All language subtitles for ARRRR

Francesca.

Francesca.

[in Italian] Wait.

You look incredible.

Get your hands off me!

Francesca, here I come!

Wait for me!

Easy, take it easy, sir.

Get your hand off me!

Francesca.

I am coming to you.

My dearly beloved.

Darling.

My sweet darling.

Hurry, hurry!

My jacket. My jacket.

My vest. My vest.

So beautiful.

My bow-tie. How do these
damn suspenders work?!

So beautiful.
I need scissors.

Francesca.

Francesca.

Oh!

One second.

This devilish collar.

I am coming to you.

Pants. Pants.

You are so beautiful. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Ooh!

[crash]

Hello?

I need a doctor, immediately.

Yes, please.

[motor vehicle approaching]

[chuckles]

[in English] Operator?

[in Italian]
Hello?

I need a number
in Nice.

Nice. France.

[Baby in English] Nicky?
[Nick] Hmm?

[Baby] When are we going
to get married?

[Nick] What?

[Baby] I said, when are we
going to get married?

[Nick]
Oh, oh. Soon. Soon, Baby. Soon.

[Baby] How soon, Nicky?

[Nick] Well--
[phone ringing]

[Nick] It must be the phone.
[Baby] You're joking.

[ringing]

[Nick] Hello. Parker!

It's-- it's Parker.
Yeah, yeah.

Hello, Parker.

Well, sir, it appears
that events have moved

a little more rapidly than
we'd anticipated, sir.

You're kidding. When?

About ten minutes ago,
to be precise, sir.

Look, there's a plane
leaving from Nice
at 4:00.

Shall I make
reservations?

Yes, by all means.

I'll pack immediately.

Oh, not again.

Mm-hmm.
Well, goodbye, Parker.

[Parker] Bon voyage, sir.

Right.
Pip-pip, old boy. [chuckles]

Hmm.

You know, it's a funny thing.
What?

Every time
I mention marriage,

the phone rings.

Yeah,
that is a funny thing,
come to think of it.

Mm-hmm. [chuckles]

I swear to you, Baby.
This is it.

I won't need that.
Where are my shirts?

If I can make this score,

we'll have so much money

we won't be able to count it,
we'll have to weigh it.

Always running off
someplace.

Well, I've got to be working.

By the way,
have you seen my shirts?

How else am I gonna
keep you accustomed

to what you're not
accustomed?

Well, it's like living
with a sailor.
How would you like it?

I don't know.
I never lived with a sailor.
Where are my shirts?

You made a lot of promises,
Nick.

I know, but these are sweaters.
I want shirts.

Shirts?
Shirts. That's right.

Nicky.
Mm-hmm.

If you don't
marry me before you go,

I won't be here
when you come back.

These are nice.
But these aren't shirts.
These are ties.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, I heard everything
you said. Everything.

Where are my shirts?

Nicky, am I such
a lousy proposition?

Not at all.

You're terrific,
and I'm nuts about you.

But these are shorts.

What I want are shirts.

[adventurous music playing]

Didn't you see
the red light back there?

Oh, when you've seen
one red light...

you've seen them all.
You've seen them all.

Yeah. Porter?

Nick.
Yeah?

I love you.

I love you, too, Baby.

Goodbye.

[in French]
BagageS, monsieur?
Mm-hmm.

[in English] For Rome?
Mm-hmm.

Goodbye.

I'll be waiting for you.

Take care.

Look out
for red lights.

Bye.

[Nick] The fundamental
requirements
of a high-class con man

are that
he should be personable,

well-dressed, amiable,
well-mannered,

good-looking,
attractive to women,

and utterly without
conscience or scruples.

I'm glad to say
that I fill that bill
to the letter.

My name is Nick Johnson,

Crombie, O'Hara, Stark,

or when the occasion arise,
Schwartz.

I am, by profession,
a lady killer.

Women have played
a big part in my life

as far back
as I can remember,

even back in the orphanage
when I was a kid.

Come on.

Come on.

Stop it, Joe.

[indistinct chatter]

I'll take that.

Cut it out!

Cut it out, Sam.

Hi, Gladys.
Nicky, give me that cigarette.

You want a puff?
No, and don't call me Gladys.

OK, OK.
See you later,
sweetheart.

[Nick] I was what
you might call
a professional orphan.

The business of selecting
one's parents
seemed to me

a matter requiring
considerable care,

so I was prepared
to take my time.

The first of every month,
prospective parents would
come and look us over.

Most of them, I wouldn't
have trusted with a dog,

let alone a delicate,
sensitive child like me,

until one day...

There she was.

Lovely, lonely,
and loaded.

And you, Nick.
Back in line.

How are you,
darling?

[indistinct chatter]

Well,
isn't that nice?

Oh. Here's a charming
young man.

Hello, son.

Mmm!
Oh!

[Gladys] Sam.

Bob.

Well.

And what's your name,
young man?

Nicolas, ma'am.

Nicolas.
Yes, ma'am.

That's a nice name.

[Gladys] This is Mrs. Waldorf.

How do you do, Mrs. Waldorf?

And how old
are you, Nicolas?

Sixteen years old, ma'am.

Sixteen. Well...

Boy, what a--

Gladys.
Did you see?

Yeah. Yeah.

And what's your name,
young man?

Johnny, ma'am.
Johnny.

[Miriam]
And how old are you, Johnny?

[Gladys]
Stand up straight, dear.

[Johnny] Fourteen, ma'am.
[Miriam] He's 14.

I've been here
since last June, ma'am.

Excuse me.

Why? What is it, young man?

You dropped your purse.

Well, now, there's
an honest little fellow.

Here, sonny.

Here's a dollar
for yourself.

Oh, no. No, ma'am. No.

Why, what is it, my boy?

It's... it's charity.

All my life
I've had to get charity.
[sobbing]

I'm just getting tired
of getting charity.

I've never had
a place of my own.

[unintelligible]

Oh, you'll love
the house, Nicky.

It's a beautiful
house.

It's by the ocean,

and there are boats.
You like boats?

And we have grass
and a dog

and all sorts
of things.

And you must
call me Aunt...

Aunt Miriam.

Aunt Miriam.

[Nick] Aunt Miriam
took me to her bosom

like a long lost child.

[music plays]

A kindly soul,
she lived in a world

of faded elegance
and gentility.

From her late husband,
a naval officer
and a goodly man,

she had inherited
gentleness...

sweetness...

kindness...

and $100,000,

which was to make life
appreciably more agreeable
for the both of us.

Surprise, my dear,
on your first day here.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, let me, Aunt Miriam.

[music stops]

[Nick]
Aunt Miriam's great delight

was to play the harp
and sing.

For a few months at least,

we shared a life
of peaceful tranquility.

And...

[clears throat]

♪♪ Pale hands I love ♪♪

♪♪ Beside the Shalimar ♪♪

♪♪ Where are you now? ♪♪

♪♪ Who lies beneath ♪♪

♪♪ Your spell? ♪♪

♪♪ Whom do you lead ♪♪

♪♪ On rapture's
Roadway far-har ♪♪

♪♪ Before you agonize them ♪

♪♪ In farewell? ♪♪

♪♪ Before you agonize them ♪

♪♪ In farewell ♪♪

♪♪ Pale hands I love ♪♪

♪♪ Beside the Shalimar ♪♪

♪♪ Where are you now? ♪♪

♪♪ Where are you ♪♪

♪♪ Now? ♪♪

The Nightingale.

"In china,
as you well know,

the emperor is Chinese,

and all around him
are Chinese also.

Now, what I'm about to tell
happened many years ago."

[dog yelps]
"But that very..."

And a Merry Christmas,
Nicolas.

Thank you, auntie.

And a happy
new year.

Babe Ruth's
my favorite.

Nicolas.

[Nick] It was the story
of my life,

whenever I had it made,
something
would always go wrong.

What are you
looking at?

Uh, a dredger.

A dredger?
Mmm.

What are they
dredging for, Nicolas?

They're dredging
for mud.

Good grief.
What anyone would want

with a boatful of mud
I can't imagine.

Come along, Nicolas.

♪♪ Time for tea ♪♪

[Nick] There was something
about that dredger
that had me worried.

[ship honking]

♪♪ Take thou this rose ♪♪

♪♪ This little tender rose ♪

I'm sorry.

♪♪ Likewise, I'm sure
The sweetest flower ♪♪

♪♪ In all god's garden fair-- ♪♪

[knock on door]

Now, who on earth
can that be?

I'll get it.

If it's not
an impertinence, ma'am,

but was that
your charming voice

I had the pleasure
of hearing just now?

Well, yes, it was.

Beautiful.
Beautiful.

Oh. A nautical gentleman.

How exciting.

Captain
Daniel O'Flannery, ma'am,

master of the coastal dredger

number 706,
New York harbor board,
at your service.

Look, do I have
to stand here all-day
listening to your blathering?

Shut your gob, you lout.

'Tis fresh water
we're needing, ma'am,

for washing and the like.

There's a well
around the back.

A well at the back?

You heard the lady.
Get going.

I hope we didn't
disturb you, ma'am.

Gracious, no.

Perhaps you'd care
to step inside.

Well, thank you, ma'am.
Thank you kindly.
Beautiful.

We were just about
to have some tea.

Tea, is it?

Well, that's something
I've always been meaning to try.

♪♪ La la la la la la ♪♪

This is our best view.

Lovely things
you've got here, ma'am.

Now I'll get a chance
to see things.
[unintelligible]

Captain?

Captain, this is
my late husband.

[Daniel] A handsome man.

Oh.

Would you care
to have some tea?

A cup of tea, ma'am?

[boing]

♪♪ La la la la ♪♪

Milk? Sugar?

[Nick] The captain
fired a broadside

that hit Aunt Miriam
square amidships.

Ooh!

[knocks on door]

Here you are,
me darling.

[Nick] Days of tranquility
had come to an end.

That happy intimacy

that existed between
Aunt Miriam and myself

was no more.

Get out, you!

I brought you
something else, darling.

I brought you
something else.

Tell me, darling,
did you miss me
while I was away?

[boing]

[Miriam] I can't imagine
what it could be.

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter continues]

Oh! Captain,
how wonderful!

Oh, how marvelous!

I love it.
To your health.

[indistinct]

[Miriam] Oh, how lovely.

[Nick] I knew then
that if peace was going to
reign once more,

the good captain
had to go.

[Danial] Sheepshead bay!

The East Mill Basin!

The Battery
by moonlight.

I'll show them all
to you.

I'll show them all
to you.

Just say the word,
me lovely lady,

and we'll splice
the main brace together.
Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo.

Come and save
a place for me.

Come, me darling.
Say goodbye to your lover.

Oh, captain.

Goodbye, sweetheart. Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Take care
of yourself.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, captain.

Farewell, me darling.

Farewell. Farewell.

Goodbye.

Farewell, my brave
seafaring man.

Come back soon.
Oh.

Goodbye.

Oh!

Goodbye.

Oh.

[Nick] It was fitting
that in the tradition
of the sea,

the gallant captain
stayed with his ship
to the bitter end.

[wailing]

But peace did not return
to auntie's house.

The distress signals were u,
and she was sinking fast.

If only I could have
gone with him.

If only he had not
left me alone.

[sobbing]

♪♪ Last night as I lay
On my pillow ♪♪

♪♪ Last night as I lay
On my bed ♪♪

♪♪ Last night as I lay
On my pillow ♪♪

♪♪ I dreamed that my Bonnie ♪♪

♪♪ Was dead ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

[slurp]

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

[slurp]

♪♪ Oh, bring back
My Bonnie to me ♪♪

♪♪ To me ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, bring back my Bonnie ♪

♪♪ To me ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, bring back my Bonnie ♪

♪♪ To-- ♪♪

Aah!

[Nick] Auntie was reunited
with her beloved captain,

leaving me the house
and $50,000,

for which consideration
I was forever in debt.

What's the, uh,
what's the villa like?

I think
you'll be delighted, sir.

Good.

They certainly are
a warm people.

Welcome to Rome, sir.

[laughs]

I trust madam's in
the best of health, sir?

Uh, bursting.

Bursting with it.

How exhausting
for you.

Yes. Quite exhausting,
I must say.

Did you wire the bank?
Yes, sir.

I had 50,000 Swiss
francs transferred

to the local bank
this morning, sir.

50,000?

This looks like
a big operation.

What's left?

$10.58.

Not enough for good cigars.

Not even
cheap ones, sir.

Now, then,
here's your passport
and driving license.

You'll find all your
life history
typed out there.

Right. "Nick Johnson,
Philadelphia millionaire.

Hotels, oil wells,
and airlines."

Yes, sir.
Very good, Parker.

What would I do
without you?

I tremble
to think, sir.

Yeah, so do I.

Very nice.
Very nice, indeed.

Glad you like it, sir.
Mm-hmm.

Now, where's this villa?
The Villa Rienzi, sir?

Yes.
Down there.

Oh, there it is.

Nice and close.

Excellent, Parker.
Excellent.

[Parker]
I estimate the current value
of the property

at around
8 million lire.

Holdings in Persian oil,
sir, $5,000.

Government stock, $750,000.
That's free of tax,
of course.

Then there's marine
holdings, $500,000.

Real estate interests,
$700,000.

That's quite a pad.

Yes, sir.
Italian baroque.
Very nouveau riche.

Mm-hmm.

Now, then, allowing for taxes,
death duties,
and other sundries,

I'd say
the late count's estate

was in the neighborhood
of $10 million, sir.

That's a nice neighborhood.
[chuckles]

OK, so the contessa
gets all the money.
Are there any relatives?

There's no close relative.
A brother-- Maximillian.

He's not gonna like it,
but there's not much
he can do about it.

Well, we know
what he can do about it.

He wouldn't like that either.

[both chuckle]

Here we are, sir.

Parker, if we can...
Yes, sir.

...pull off this job,

we'll be able
to retire for life.

Yes, indeed, sir.

A penthouse in Manhattan.

A little pub in Essex.

Francesca de Rienzi,
sir.

Born Naples, 1933.
Maiden name
Francesca Gottini.

Relatives?
No relatives.

What's the background?
Working class, sir.

Worked in a laundry.
Hotel maid.

Matter of fact is,
that's where
she met the count.

So, she took his breakfast
at the bed one morning,

stayed for lunch,
as you might say.

How long were they married?
Hour and 40 minutes.

When's the funeral?
Day after tomorrow, sir.

What took him so long?
In this hot weather,

they can't
lie around too long.

Very sad, isn't it?

Married at 3:00,
stone-cold dead
by 5:00.

Hardly worthwhile
leaving the church.

What about
the contessa?

Yes, sir. Oh, she's rich,
young, beautiful,
and likes money.

Mm-hmm. Anything else?

Yes, sir. She also likes
dancing, swimming,
and water skiing.

Ah, the active type.
She drives fast cars.

With hostilities
towards the male sex.

Oh, strong
personality, sir.

Well, then, we gonna have to be
manly, virile, and all that.

Yes, sir.
Sir, she's got
a private library

consisting of books
by Balzac, Cocteau,
and Frud.

Frud?

Yes, sir. Frud, sir.

That's Freud.

Freud.
Thank you, sir.

Anything else?

No, sir.
That just about
covers it, sir.

That's it?
That's it, sir.

Oh, I see.
What am I supposed to do?

Knock on the door and say,
"I'm here
to steal your money"?

Hardly.
Hardly.

I mean, we have to have
some approach.

So, what do you suggest?

Uh...

What about the routine,
"I've always
admired your house,

and I'd like to do
a painting of it"?

Oh, I know.

"I was born here,
and I'd like to see
me old nursery."

Nah.

Wait a minute, sir.
There is one angle

that's got
distinct possibilities.

What is it?

Whilst keeping
a close observation
on the premises,

it came to my attention
that there was going on

what I can
only describe as...

a little bit of hanky-panky.
You're kidding.

No, sir. Really.
As a matter of fact, sir,

it's coming up
to hanky-panky time now.

The downstairs
French windows, sir.

Downstairs
French windows.

What is that?

It's your foot, sir.

Oh.

So much for the hanky.
Uh-huh.

Now for the panky.

The inevitable lover, sir.

Who is he?
Romano, sir. Her chauffeur.

A touch of the lady Chatterley,
I fear.

The situation has
distinct possibilities,
Parker.

Romano.
[in Italian] Yes?

A telegram.
[in English] For me?

[in Italian] Yes.

Maledetta sfacciata!

Ti ammazzo!

[in English]
Cor blimey, sir.
He went off a bit sharpish.

What'd you put
in that telegram, anyway?

Only that
his wife in Milan
was expecting a baby.

Oh, he didn't seem
very pleased about it.

Well, I'm not surprised.
He hasn't been
in Milan in 12 months.

Oh.

Now, don't forget, sir.
Once inside,
it's left across the lounge,

upstairs, and the first door
on the left.

Got it.
Anything else?

No, sir, that's it.

Good luck, sir.

Romano?

[in Italian]
Yes.

Has anyone seen you?

Yeah.
Yes?

Ehm, no!

Ahh.

Darling.

Yes.

Mmm...

I have been waiting for you
for so long.
Yes.

My beautiful Romano.
Oh, yes!

[bell chimes]

Romano?

[telephone rings]

[ring]

Hello?

Yes, Milan.

Thank you.

[Romano] Francesca.
My love,

I am here in Milan.

Who's this?

It's Romano.
Yes, Romano.

Romano?

[in English] But...

[bell tolls]

[priest praying in Latin]

[praying in Latin]

[Nick] There's probably
no more vulnerable animal
than a woman

whose curiosity
has been aroused.

Lesson one,
from How To Catch Women
Without Really Trying,

by Nick Johnson.

It was curiosity that hookd
my first wife... Gigi.

I first saw Gigi
in the casino at Cannes.

I was down to my last
50 francs,

and as all the loot
was at the casino,

it seemed the obvious place
to be.

Not that I'm
a gambler by nature.

The last way to
make money in a casino
is to play the tables.

As soon as I saw her,

I knew she was for me.

Martini, huh?

Ah, you were lucky,
weren't you?

Would you like a drink?
What would you like?

Martini.

Martini, huh?

Bartender, two martinis.

What's your name?
Gigi.

My name's Nick.

Why are we whispering?

I have terrible
laryngitis.

Oh, you probably
got a chill

from all the ice.
Salut.

Thank you.

[in French] Darling,
wanna play with us?

Wait a second.

[in English]
He's such a bore.

All night,
he plays on the table.

I love a man
who plays all night,
but not on the table.

[chuckles]

My Alfa Romeo
is parked outside.

It's gold.
Wait for me.

Uh, maybe I ought
to tell you

how I picked those numbers
at the roulette table.

No, on second thought,
I won't.

[moaning]

Oh, yes.

[Nick] Gigi and I were married
in true Hungarian style.

[plays gypsy music]

Her four ex-husbands
said goodbye,

as did her four children.

[speaking Hungarian] Now,
Eszterházy Ilonka
Katarina Mária,

and Nicholas Miklós Johnson,

pronounce you married!

Give me the knife!

Let this blood contract
be a seal

of your fidelity
and constancy.

Good luck!

[in English]
Oh, good morning, sir.

Good morning.

[humming]

Cream, sir?

No, thank you, uh...

The name's Parker, sir. Parker.
Parker, huh?

[shouting] Nicky? Nicky,
where are you?

What the hell
is that?

That's madam, sir.
What?

I think we're back to normal.
Will you excuse me?

Certainly.
[Gigi] Nicky! Nicky, darling,

Oh, Nicky, I have such
wonderful news.

Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that
simply wonderful?

Wh-what's wonderful?

My voice. I woke up this morning
and I can talk again.

Oh, my darling.
There are so many things
I want to tell you.

Oh, I love you.
I adore you.

And I'm so hungry.
Parker! Parker!

Yes, ma'am?
Please bring me some eggs,

some toast, some coffee,
and some Hungarian salami.

Oh, I love you,
my darling.

And Parker, also bring me
some black bread
and some green pepper.

Oh, my darling,
you must be starving, too,
aren't you?

Parker,
bring us some sausages,
some cheese, and apples.

Oh, no. Parker,
on second thought,
I changed our minds.

Just bring us
two grapefruits and some coffee.

It's not healthy
to eat so much, darling.
One has to be healthy.

You know, my second husband,
he used to practice yogi.

He used to sit on the floor
the whole day...

Here you are, sir.
Get this down you.

[Gigi] ...just thinking,
just thinking.

Mind you, every night,
I used to find out what
he was thinking about.

Darling, it's the most
wonderful honeymoon
I ever had.

What about you?

Oh, you must
listen to this.

This is the most
fantastic letter.

I got it
from my girlfriend Ingrid.

She's charming.
You'll adore her.

We went to finishing
school together.

Of course, she finished
much before I did.

Imagine, she just married
her third millionaire.

She's such a simple girl.

But then my mother said
it's only simple girls

who really get
the millionaires.

Nicky, do you know
what day it is today?

It's our wedding
anniversary.

We are married
a whole day.

That's the trouble
with you men.

You never remember
any anniversaries.

Wasn't it
a beautiful wedding?

You can't say
I talked you into it,

because I
couldn't even talk.

Darling, I don't know
anything at all about you.

Tell me a little bit
about yourself.

Have you
ever been married?
Whoops.

Don't even tell it to me.
I only going to be jealous.

Parker! Parker!
Please bring me
some more champagne.

Nicky?
Oh, he went for a swim.

What a wonderful idea.
I'm coming, my darling.

Nicky, wait for me.

[gurgling]
It's the simple girls
who get the millionaires.

And mother
is always right.

Wait until you meet her.
You'll adore her.

Nicky. Nicky, darling, wake up!

Do you know
what time it is in Rio?

It's 4 o'clock in the morning,
in Rio, nobody ever sleeps.

They dance and sing
the whole day and the night.

They have so much fun,
darling.

Oh, Nicky--

How can you sleep
with that silly thing
over your head?

Darling, I have the world's
greatest idea.

Why don't you and I fly
to Rio tomorrow morning?

We'll have so much fun.
I introduce you to
the most wonderful people.

[sirens]

[Nick] It seemed I had married
some kind of a...

celebrity.

It was something
of a relief

the day she was
invited to Germany

to open the new
NATO rocket site.

[in German] Welcome.
Thank you. Good Morning.

[in English]
We have to hurry.
We don't have much time.

How many husbands
have you had?

You mean apart
from my own?

[speaking German]

You do speak German?
No.

Oh, I'm sorry.
As I was saying...

[reporter]
Why did you divorce
your last husband?

I needed
the closet space.

[speaking German]

Yoo-hoo, Nicky.

[indistinct chatter in German]

This giant is powered
by 51 rocket engines,

with a combined thrust
of 40,000 pounds.

Isn't it amazing?

Nicky, how exciting.
I say,

you've such a charming wife.
Thank you.

You're a very lucky man,
Mr. Lamour.

Thank you, corporal. Forget it.
Hmm?

[speaking German]

Oh, I never
have been so high.

I'm sorry, Miss Lamour,
but we must hurry.

This is my first missile.

It's noisy in here.

Oh, it's nice.

Excuse me.

I'd like you to
meet Herr Gunter,
our chief technician.

[speaking German] Nice to
meet you. Oh that's...

Oh, excuse me.

Well, you've gone
right to the top,
Mr. Lamour.

Watch it.
Step out here.

This is the nerve center,
you might say.

Get out of the way.

It's the brain,
as you might call it.
Step right in.

There you are, darling.
What happened to you?

The elevator
was a little slow.

This is going all
the way to the moon.

[alarm sounds]

[technician] It's time
for everyone to go.

We've got to go.
The missile's off.

Hurry. Hurry.
I have to put on some make-up.

Gigi.

Gigi,
we have 20 seconds.

The warning light
has gone off.

I should have never
brought this hat.

It's time to go.

It looks wonderful.

Gigi, not now.
Not now.

[speaking German]

Gigi, will you hurry up?

Darling, tell them
one moment.

I'll wait in
the elevator, all right?

Nicky! Nicky,
where are you?

Open the door, Nicky.

Don't--
don't panic!

Nicky, please
open the door.

Can you hear me?
Nicky, are you there?

[banging]

[operator]
Attention. Attention.

[speaking German]
Two minutes.

[corporal in English]
Mr. Lamour!

Mr. Lamour,
please, we must hurry.
We haven't got much time.

Unless you want to go
up with the rocket, too.

[laughter]

Nicky, if you
don't open the door,
I never speak to you again.

Nicky?

[siren wailing]

[operator in German] Ten,

nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four,

three, two,

one, fire!

Well, that ought
to make them reds
sit up and take notice.

Excuse me, sir.
Where's madam, sir?

Parker, come here.

[whispering]

Where's
your charming wife?

She went to
the ladies room.

[in German] Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Schnell!

Hans?
Ja?

Was ist dis?

[Gigi in English]
Darling!
Darling! Darling!

Darling! Darling!
Darling!

Darling!
Darling! Darling!

[Nick] With Gigi
safely in orbit,

it dawned on Parker and me
that we'd stumbled onto
a terrific little racket.

Like all professionals,
we took our vocation
very seriously.

No, nothing in here.
Oh, uh, sir...

Hmm?
How about her, sir?

No, not at all.
Are you kidding?
That's terrible looking.

Oh, what about her, sir?

She's worth
a couple of million.

I like the mother better.
[chuckles]

Here we go.

What do you know
about Fenton,
Fenella Fenton?

Oh, the Fentons, sir. Oh.

Extremely high-class
English family, sir.

[Nick] My second wife,
the honorable
Lady Fenella Fenton,

had more class than
a Kentucky thoroughbred.

Her father,
the late Lord Fenton,

died on a Monday,
leaving his daughter
everything.

Parker and I arrived
in England on Tuesday.

Good morning, Fenella.
Hello, Boopy.

Fenella,
you are brutish.

I called you
four times last week.

Did you, darling?

You know I'm potty about you.

Are you, darling?
How lovely for you.

Who's that
young man over there?

Super morning, what?

Hello.

What a divine
young man.

Some gate-crasher,
I should think.

I think
he's quite divine.

[trumpeting]

[dogs barking]

[whistles]

[whistles]

[whistles]

Tally-ho!

[man 1] Whoa!
[man 2] whoa!

[man 1] Whoa, there!
[man 2] Whoa, there, fellow!

[Fenella]
Come back!

[Nick] Tally-ho!

What the devils of matter
with the fellow?
Is he raving mad?

[Nick] Tally-ho!

Damn it! He's after the fox.

No, that's
impossible.

He is! Come on.

Tally-ho.

[man 1] Come on!

[man 2] Hyah!

[man 3] Hyah!

Parker, the fox.

Hello.

[dogs barking]

Caught him by
the jolly old brush.
Down! Down!

That's the sort
of thing a bounder
like you would do.

I told you, Fenella,
the fellow's
an absolute outsider.

I didn't quite
catch the name, Mr...

Crombie--
Nicolas Crombie, milady.

I like a man, Mr. Crombie,

who goes after something
and gets it.

Thank you.

Call me Fenella.

Thank you.
Call me Nicolas.

[Nick] Looking back,
I often wonder who got caugh,

me or the fox.

[dog barking and howling]

Oh, Nicky, darling.

Oh, Fenella. [chuckles]

Oh, Fenella.
Oh, Fenella, dear.

Fenella...

Oh, Fenella,
it's 6:00 in the morning,
my dear.

Is it really?
Yes, it's really 6:00--

[knock on door]
Who is it?

[door squeaking]

The horses have
been saddled, milady.

[Fenella]
Thank you, Henry.

[door squeaking]

Aah!

Come on, boy.
Rise and shine.

Fenella, do you
have any idea
what time it is?

I always go for
a canter at this time
of the morning.

Works up an appetite.

Oh. Oh.

♪♪ As I was going
To strawberry fair ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol
Tol-da-riddle-ido ♪♪

♪♪ I met a maiden
Selling her wares ♪♪

♪♪ Fol-da-di ♪♪

♪♪ Her eyes were blue
And golden her hair ♪♪

♪♪ And she walked on
To strawberry fair ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol
Tol-da-riddle-ido ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol
Tol-da-riddle-di ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol
Tol-da-riddle-ido ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol
Tol-da-riddle-di ♪♪

Fenella?

Fenella?

Fenella, come here.

Come on, darling,
what's the matter?
You're not tired, surely?

Oh, no, no, Fenella.

Carry on.

Uhh!

That was fabulous, wasn't it?
Fabulous.

There's nothing like
a good hard ride

to get you in trim, eh, darling?
Yes, quite true.

Oh, Nicky!
Oh, Fenella. Fenella.

You can't imagine
how much I absolutely
adore you.

[gong]
I-- I can, Fenella--

Oh, that's breakfast, my dear.
They're serving breakfast.

Oh, Nicky,
don't be so greedy.

Aah!

Oh! Oh, Fenella.

Thank you,
but some grapefruit
would be so marvelous.

Besides, the butler
kind of likes me,
my dear.

You know something,
Parker?

I can't take
much more of this.
I can't.

Oh, good stock,
the Fentons, sir?

About as good as you can get.
But I'm not as young
as I used to be.

Nil desperandum, s.
We'll come up
with something.

I'd better come up
with something.
I'll tell you that.

Want a bit more,
darling?

No, thank you.
Thank you. No.

Here we are, sir.
Drink this.

What is it?

An old English
remedy, sir.

Salut.
Cheers.

Come on, darling.
Yes, I'm coming, my dear.

Mount up, sir.

Again?

Up.

Ooh!

Thank you.

You're not
a bad horseman,
for a chap, that is.

Except you ought to
sit up more.

I'd rather lie down,
my dear.

Later, darling,
later.

[neighs]

Oh, by the way, darling,
I signed those
papers you gave me.

Smashing.
Were they important?

No. Legal documents.

I leave all that sort of thing
to you, Nicky, darling.

I don't understand them at all,
really.

I'm just a frail
little woman.

She's the lone ranger.
Come on!

I must say, darling,
you seem very nervous
this morning.

Oh, no. No, no.
No, no.

Well, race you
back to the house, then.

No, no, no. Let's go
a bit further, shall we?

Well, as long as
you're not tired.

Oh, no.
Not too tired at all.
Why don't we go over there?

Say, I haven't
seen that hedge before.

No, neither have I.

It probably
grew last night.
It rained, you know.

Oh, darling,
you are funny.

Right.
Right.

Last one over the hedge
is a silly ass.

A silly ass, indeed.
Whoo-hoo!

[Fenella]
Goodbye!

Tally-ho!

[Fenella] Tally-hooooooooo!

[in Italian] You mistress!

[in English] Who's that?

Maximillian, sir,
the count's brother.

[man]
Ma'am.

Maria? Maria?

[speaking Italian]
Yes, ma'am.

[in Italian]
Fix me a bath.

[in Italian] Maria, the phone.

Pronto.
Dammi il 5-10-20.

Si, grazie.

Coffee, contessa?
No, thank you.

More coffee, sir?
Thank you, no.

Then shall we
have our liqueur
in the other room?

It's more
comfortable.

You know,
Mr. Johnson,

I have the feeling
that we have met
before somewhere.

Oh?

That we have known
each other... intimately.

Intimately? Oh, well, hardly.
Mmm.

I mean, uh, let's see.
Could it have been
St. Moritz?

No. No St. Moritz. No.

Not St. Moritz, huh?

Well, how about Bahamas
last winter?

No. Much more recently
than that, Mr. Johnson.

More recently than that...

Salut.
Salut.

Uh, well, let's see.
I wonder where
we could've...

Bumped into each other.

I can't say I remember
having had the pleasure.

Oh, can't you?

It's Hindu.
The goddess of love.

That's why she's smiling
and has her eyes closed.

It's 19th century, you know.
Very rare. Very--

Tell me, Mr. Johnson,

what were you doing
at my husband's funeral
this morning?

Well, I was
just passing by.

I can't resist
a good funeral.

You speak
very casually of death,
Mr. Johnson.

I approach death
as I approach life,
with complete indifference.

In Italy, death
is very serious business.

For the living, perhaps,
but for the dead,

it can be an awful drag.

You seem to forget that
I am still in mourning
for my husband.

You should wear
black more often.
It's most becoming.

You are extremely
impertinent, Mr. Johnson.

I was very fond
of my husband.

He was a nice,
kind man,
and I loved him.

I loved him
very much.

Are you here
on business,
Mr. Johnson?

No, not business.

You see, I'm retired.

Really?
Yes.

I seem a little young
to retire,

but I did because
I have all these hotels.

Hotels?
Mm-hmm.

And then the airlines...

Oh, you own an airlines?

Yes, so I can fly down
and see all my oil wells.

Oil wells?
Yeah.

Funny thing
about oil wells,

always pumping,
pumping, pumping.

You are a very
attractive man,
Mr. Johnson.

Oh, but then, of course,
you know that.

Is it any secret to you
that you're very beautiful?

You're also very vain,
and by admitting it,

you hope to charm me.

Are you sure
we haven't met before?

Positive.

Would you mind
kissing me again?

My pleasure.
Hold this.

I knew it!

You! It was you.

You thief, you interloper,
you Cossack!

Francesca, please listen to me.
You are to be ashamed.

Taking advantage
of a poor widow!

You're not too poor--

Only a man with such a vanity
could play such a dirty trick!

But you have to listen to me.
No.

Francesca,
just listen to me.

The police!
I will call the police!

No. There's no reason
to call the police.

I have no reason?

Yes, I have a reason
to call the police!

Let me ask a question.
No!

Well, you haven't
let me ask it yet!

Whatever it is,
the answer is no!

But, will you please
listen to me?

Let me tell you something.
In Napoli,
where I come from,

such a thing would
get you a knife so!

[babbles] Now, Francesca.
I want you to calm down
and listen to me.

No.
You're the most fabulous-looking

woman...
Let me go.

I've ever seen in my life.
Let me go.

Please.

Will you just listen to me.
No!

Let me just explain
something to you.

No! No, Nicky! No.
Please.

[lightning strike]

We're not in shape
at all, are we, sir?

You really must persevere
with that wheat germ oil.

All right.

What do we do next?
I tell you.

We're going
to cool it,

take a trip
to someplace,

and keep
her guessing.

You certainly
know your women.

You're talking
to an expert.

I tell you,
when I'm through with her,

she won't know
whether she's
coming or going.

She's going.

What?
Look!

Parker, pack the bags.
Yes, sir.

The south of France.

The south of France?
The south of France!

Parker,
what's the matter with you?

Of course, the riviera.

It's simple psychology.
Really, sir?

Yeah.
Look at it this way.

You're a beautiful dame. Mm-hmm.
Right.

Now, you've been engaged
to this old bum for months.

Right.

You've been playing it
respectable...

Right. Right.
Then you marry him.

And bam!
Yes?

He drops dead.
He drops dead. Right.

This is just what
you've been waiting for.

Got this beautiful house,
beautiful car,

all this money, all that loot,
what would you do?

Buy a little pub in Essex, sir.

Oh, you...

That's it.
Go ahead.

There she is, sir.

Book a room.
What, here?

It'll cost a fortune. Yes, sir.
Book a room!

[in French]
See you soon, darling! Sorry.

Sorry.

[Nick in English]
Hello, Francesca.

Nicky? What are
you doing here?

I'm looking for you.

Oh.

Why'd you run out on me?

What's the matter?
Is it the first time
a girl ever ran out on you?

Well, as a matter of fact,
it is.

What did I do wrong, huh?

Nothing.

Then what's
all this about?

What is it, Nicky,
your pride?

Maybe.

Just because we spend
the night together?

Francesca, you're coming
back with me.

No.
But you are.

Nicky, please. Please.
Will you listen to me--

[in French]
What are you waiting
for, Francesca?

Let's go to Cannes!

[in English]
Francesca, what's going on?

Nicky, please.

I come down here
and I catch you hanging--

It's none of your business.
Well, of course, it is.

He's old enough
to be your grandfather!

[man in French]
Please come, Francesca!

I'm coming right away!

[in English]
Listen, Francesca,
I've got to talk to you.

No!
But--

[in French]
Je viens tout suit!

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me, excuse me!

[radio static]

I don't understand it.

A man old enough
to be a grandmother.

Ugh. Will you please
shut that thing off?

Trying to get
the cricket score from London.

Well, then just turn it down--

Gigi over radio]
Darling, darling, darling,
darling, darling.

darling, darling,
darling, darling--

[water splashes]

[waiter] Thank you, Sir.

Thank you.

[waiter] Merci, monsieur.

Oh, sir, sir.

I don't wish
to worry you unduly, sir...

Yeah. Alright.

...but we're on the verge
of bankruptcy.

Oh, I see.
Sure, sir.

The time has come
for positive action.

Right. Positive action.
Positive action, sir.

Positive.
I agree with you.

And what do you think
we should we do?

I don't have
the faintest idea, sir.

Alright. Tell me
what she sees in him.

I can't imagine, sir.

I can't either.
If there was something
I could do.

Sir, sir. I don't wish
to be personal,

but has it never occurred
to you to tell the young lady
that you love her?

I didn't hear you.
It's not difficult, sir.

I love you. I love you,
and I want to marry you.

Are you crazy?
That's against my principles!

$10 million, sir.
I'll do it.

Forget it.

$10 million, sir.

All right. I'll go there.

[disco music playing]

[mouthing] I love you. I...

Hi, Nicky.

Uh, Francesca.
Uh... uh...
Excuse me, will you?

[stutters] I love you,
and I want to marry you.

[Francesca chuckles]

She laughed.

I love you,
and I want to marry you.

Oh, oh.
Excuse me. Oh.

Excuse me.
Francesca, are you going
to marry me? Yes or no?

Oh, darling,
you are so romantic.

[in French]
Oh, come on, Sir!

[in English]
Voyons, and drop dead.

[in French]
What did he say?

[in English]
He told you to drop dead. Yes.

Drop dead. Yes. Yes.

You still haven't
answered my question.

Oh, you want an answer.
I intend to.

Yes, I do.

I wouldn't marry you
if you were the last man
on earth.

"Where is
the American embassy?

The wheel
has come off my car."

[laughter]

Excuse me. Now, look.

I'm not going
to take no for answer.

Such conceit!

[man]
"You are a scoundrel
and a cad, sir!"

Will you beat it?
Now, look,
I want to marry you.

No!
Will you listen to me?

No. You listen to me.

I don't need you.
I am free. I have money.

I can do whatever I like.

Go where I like.

"Could you kindly direct me
to the toilet?"

Yes. That way.

[indistinct chatter]

What are you doing?
Put me down!
Let me go!

[blows whistle]

[in French] Let's go!

Please, wait for me!

[in English] Look what you did
to my dress!

Teach you to go out
with old men!

Arrogant! Arrogant!
Arrogant? I'm arrogant?

[indistinct]

How could you come
to a place like this
with an old man?

Aah!

[in French]
Nicolas and Francesca.

[chanting in Latin]

[Baby in English]
Will you let me go, please?

[chanting continues]

[Baby] Let me go!

[in Latin] Dominus et cum
spiritum tuo...

[in English] Let me get him.
I'll kill him!

Not yet, madam.

Take your hands
off me, you slimy lackey!

There's no need to be personal.

You're both in this together,
you collaborator!

[in French]
Sir, what are you doing?

[in English]
How do you do?

[in French] With this ring,

With this ring,

I thee wed.
I thee wed.

I thee...
I thee wed.

Ego con--
Ego con--

You may now kiss the bride.

[in English] You may now
kiss the bride.

[in Latin] In nomine...

In nomine patris et filii
et spiritus sancti. Amen.

Top.

You wait,
you ten-cent bluebeard!

By the time
I'm finished with you,

you'll be married to a widow!

[honking]

You've just
wet yourself, Parker.

Understandably, madam.

All right,
where is he?

Um, I think
he went for a swim.

No. I wouldn't
if I was you, madam.
Madam! Madam!

Now, Baby,
don't jump to conclusions.
Let me explain.

All right, explain.

So you see, Baby,
the poor girl hasn't got long
to live at all.

And there's no hope? Terrible.
No hope. Nothing.

Isn't it terrible, a young,
beautiful girl like that?

How long?

Uh, it can happen
any second, any minute,
any hour, any day.

Sooner than that, sir.
Yes, sooner than--

But isn't there
a doctor or specialist?

No. We've checked
with every doctor
on the continent.

You see,
it's these heart conditions.

Yes, these heart conditions.

Parker, it's terrible.

You know, Nicky...
Hmm?

You're one
of the kindest persons...

Well, to give somebody
like that a little happiness
for a few days.

Well, I-I think it's wonderful.

It's the least I can do.

You're not in love
with her, are you?

Why, you cute
little monkey.

Love. Parker...

No, my love. It's...
It's more pity than love.

Pity, sir.

Pity.

[Nick] Yes, pity.

Isn't it terrible,
how horrible life
can be at times?

All the money
in the world,

and she's got nothing.

Money?

The countess happens to be

one of
the wealthiest women
in Italy, madam.

I always knew
there was something
evil about you, Nicky.

Thank you.

Maybe that's why
I'm crazy about you.

But you'd better be telling Baby
the truth, darling.

Uh, of course, I am.
Don't be silly.
Want some sugar?

Bye!
Bye, Baby.

[sighs]

Well, sir, I reckon
the sooner, the better.

[bell tolls]

Nicky...
Hmm?

I have a confession
to make to you.

That morning I drove off
to the south of France,

I was running away, Nicky.

I was running
away because...

I was falling
in love with you, and I...

Haven't you ever been
afraid of love, Nicky?

Nicky? What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I'm just enjoying
the evening.

Come on.
It's getting chilly.

Oh!

Sorry, darling.
Did I keep you waiting?

No, no, no.
Come on, we better go.

Come on!
Wait.

Come on, let's go.
We don't have much time.

Hey, what's the hurry?

You'll see.
Come on.

[Nick] Come on, my love,
we're going to be late.
Come on.

[Francesca]
Nicky, I'm trying.

Come on, we--
we just have to hurry.

Just wait a second.
I have to fix my shoe.

Well, can't you do that
later?

We're going to be late.
Come on.

Here we are.

Here we are. Now,
you stand right there.
Don't move.

Hey, look, isn't it
beautiful up here?

Uh, yes, it's very beautiful.
It's so high.

Darling,
I'm so happy.

I'm so happy, too.
Now, you just stand
right here. Don't move.

Yeah, that's it.
Now, hold still.

Hello! Hello!

Hey, look, darling,
it's going to strike.

It's going to strike.
That's right.
It's going to strike.

Don't move.
That's it.

Yeah, but just,
uh, don't move.
Hold it.

That's it.
That's very nice.

Back up a little bit.
That's it. Yes. That's it.

Terrific, yes.

Now, hold it.
No, no, don't move.

That's right.
Did you get it?

No, I didn't get it.

Hey, look.
Isn't that marvelous?
It's cute, eh?

It's very nice,
lovely, wonderful.

Goodbye.

Hey, Nick--

Nicky, look out! Look out!

[dings]

Nicky!

Nicky.

Nicky, tesoro.

Nicky, eh, eh?

Signora, so much tragedy
in your young life.

It's too loose here.

Ah! There.
I remember
when your first husband died.

Oh, that's better.

Such a terrible business.

A year later,
your second husband.

Nobody so beautiful
should have
such bad luck.

It's too long,
don't you think so?

[in Italian] Yes.

[in English]
But to lose a third husband
in so short a time...

Mama mia,
such misfortune.

Tell me, signora,
when did this
terrible thing happen?

I thought next Sunday
would be
as good a day as any.

You and your bright ideas.

Don't worry, sir.
I've got even a better one.

Parker, do me a favor--
Leave it to me, sir. Please.

I'll come up
with something, sir.
Don't worry.

Nicky. Oh, my poor Nicky.

You look so pale.

I feel pale.

Oh, when I think
you might have been
killed.

[in Italian] My love,
poor thing!
[in English] Yes, yes, yes.

Now, what you would
like to eat?

Well...

I go down
and cook your lunch myself.

Good.

[man] Rienzi!

Rienzi!

Rienzi!

Hey!

[in Italian] Yes, Sir.

[in English] Hey!

Hey!

Ahh...

[in Italian] Hey! Hey!

Yes.

Sorry, is this
the only taxi?

[in English]
I don't think so.

Please, can we lift you
to somewhere?

Well, I want to get
to the Villa Rienzi.

Rienzi? Coincidence.

We are to go to there.
Please, do mount.

Oh, please.
Please.

Massimo Grazzini,

but my friends
call me Max, eh?

Max.
Eh?

May I to present
Monsignore Piscali?

[gasps]

Then it's happened.
She's gone.

Gone? Who is gone?

The contessa.

And I didn't bring
my black dress.

Damn it.

Oh, excuse me.
[in Italian]
You're excused.

[in English]
Please, I not understand.

The contessa.

You're going
to the funeral, aren't you?

[in Italian]
The Contessa is dead?

I don't know.

[in English] No... no.
I think you make a mistake.

The contessa
is not dead.

Oh, well,
that's just as well.

The black dress
doesn't fit anyway.

Hmm.
[honking]

Poor woman.

Fancy, any minute,
she might go-- just like that.

It's terrible.
Yes.

Please, what are you talk about?

The contessa.
She has a serious
heart condition, you know.

Heart condition?

Bad heart.

Bad-- bad heart?

The contessa? No!

Lis, I tell you
something.

The contessa,
she got a heart
like a rock.

She going to live
to 129.

No, I'm sorry.

Somebody has pulled
your legs, huh?

Somebody has pulled
her legs.

Yeah.

[in Italian]
Good morning, sir.

‘Morning, Maria.
No, no, here.

No, no, here,
over the bed. Here!

No, no, here, over the bed.
Here! Over the bed.

Yes. Yes. Be careful.

Oh!

Ahh...

Oh! Sir!

Oh, Miss Maria!

Enjoy your meal, sir.

Thank you. Thanks.

[humming]

Aah!

[in English] A snake!

A snake?

That Parker.

Wait till I see him.

I'll break--

Parker!

Parker?

Park-- Aah!

[thump]

Lay out your coat
of darkest black.

The dirty deed
will soon be done.

She'll give the ball
a mighty whack

and blow herself
to kingdom come.

Good heavens! What's occurred?
You silly idiot.

You imbecile.
Steady on, sir.

I ought to
tear off your head

and stuff it down your throat.
What did I do?

Snakes in the bed!
Snakes in the bed?

Yeah, John on my head.

Sawing the balcony.
Sawing the balcony?

I ought to kill you!
Kill me?

Yeah. What's the matter
with you anyway?
Whose side are you on?

I don't have any idea
what you're talking about.

Somebody's trying to kill me.

Oh...

She's on to us, you know.
Mm-hmm.

What are we going to do?

Have no fear, sir.
Parker's here.

Five years
in army ordinance
wasn't wasted.

Look at that.
What do you make of that?

What?
That.

That?

It's a red ball.

It's a red ball.
That's very good.

Watching very carefully, I hope.
Yeah.

Simple, sir,
but horribly diabolical.

What's it for?

It's an old
English pastime, sir...

Croquet.

Croquet.
Croquet.

Aha...
Aha...

Now, the game of croquet
dates back
to the 13th century.

Comes from an old French word
meaning Cook or crook.

Yes, sir.

Perhaps you'd allow me
to demonstrate, madam.

Place the ball there.

Yes. But don't hit it yet.

Now, I wonder
if you'd take your stance,

if you'll forgive
the familiarity.

Now, you keep
your eye on the ball

and your eye
on the hoop.

Slowly draw
the mallet back--

But don't hit it yet.

And strike!

[Nick and Parker]
But don't hit it yet!
[chuckling]

Uh, perhaps
you'd like to try it
nice and slowly.

We'll start
with the count of four.

Four.
Starting now.

[Nick and Parker]
One...

two...

three...

four!

[horn honks]

Ah, there they are.
Stop!

Look at them. That's madam.
What's she doing here?

I don't know
but get the red ball.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Nicky.

What are you up to?
No. What are you up to?

[clears throat]
I'd like you to meet
my wife Francesca.

This is my cousin.
Cousin.

Oh, you can call me Baby.
Everyone does.

Yes. Let me show you
the place, Baby.

[Max] Hey!

My dear Francesca,

may I to present
Monsignore Piscali
from the Vatican?

And...
My husband.

How do you do?
Aha!

Polio. Like the prince
of Edinburgh is playing.

Francesca, may I have
a word of private, please?

Get the red ball.
Yes, sir.

Baby, come here.
Croquet.

[in Italian] Such a fun game.

[in English] May I join you?

It is so sad.

Such a big place,

and you all alone.

What a pity there is
no children

to share
all of this with you.

There is no chance
maybe of a little one?

No chance at all.
Parker?

Uh, yes, madam?
What are you doing?

I'm not doing
anything, madam.

You know something?

The contessa
doesn't look to me

like she's about to drop dead
any minute.

Well, looks can be deceiving.

Unless you're planning
to give her a push.

What do you mean by that?

You really shouldn't
keep a scrapbook, Nicky.

It's very
incriminating.

Excuse me, madam,
you've got the wrong ball.

What do you call this game,
cricket?

No, madam. Croquet.

[Piscali in Italian]
Thank you.

[in English] Get the red ball.
Yes.

This is my ball.

Your dear brother died
before he even got into bed.

Aha!

[in Italian] What?

[in English] Not consummate.

Not consummate.

Monsignore...

[chuckling]

Monsignore, monsignore.

Would you be so good
as to explain?

Ah, yes.

Oh, alas, signora,
it is a most unfortunate
affair.

Not consummate, eh?

If, in fact, the marriage
was not consummated,

as you say,
then in both the eyes
of the law and ethically,

the marriage
is null and void.

Vull and noid.

That is monstrous.

I shall take it
to a higher court.

A higher court?
Ridiculous, dear lady.

[chuckling]

So I want you and him
and everybody

out of my villa
in 24 hours.

Max, my husband
has more money

than your miserable brother
ever had,

so take your villa
and your money, eh?

I won't say anything
as long as you take care
of the contessa.

Sir!

What are you doing,
Nicky?

[Baby] If you don't
do something about it, Nicky,

I'm going
to the police.

Perhaps I didn't
prime the detonator
correctly, sir.

Perhaps I didn't
prime the det--

I'll prime your detonator.

[explosion]

Sounds like
we're in for a storm.

Dinner at the usual time,
madam?

[Francesca] Yes, please, Parker.
Very good, madam.

I, um, love big houses,
don't you?

They're so... big.

Yes, well,
I don't see no reasons

why you shouldn't live
in such a villa, my dear.

[Baby] Oh, I intend to
very soon,

don't I, Nicky?

If you will excuse me,
I have a headache.

I will see you later,
Nicky.

Yes, well,
there's one or two things

I've got to look at,
if you'll excuse me.

I was watching you just now,
Nicky, looking at her.

You wouldn't be thinking
of changing your mind,
would you?

It's you or her, sir,
honestly.

He's right, you know.

Hi.

Oh... hello.

Boy, this place
is full of junk,
isn't it?

Junk? [chuckles]

Come, I show you.

You see all these etchings?

Well, they alone are worth
80 million lire.

Oh?

That is what?
That's, uh, $13,333.

No kidding.
Sure.

What are you writing?
I make an inventory.

As the new owner
of the Villa Rienzi,

I have to check
the contents.

As the new what?

Yes,
you didn't know.

It's a slight legal
misunderstanding.

It's all settled.

I am now the
Conte de Rienzi.

This house... [chuckles]

All of this junk,
it's all belong to me.

You know something?

No.

You have
very beautiful eyes.

You think so?

Here we are, sir.
Hmm?

Here's the stuff.
Right.

Are you kidding?
It's like modeling clay.

Maybe, sir,
but once it gets hot,
it's crash, bang, wallop,

and shake hands
with your Uncle Charlie.

Highly volatile stuff,
sir.

Stuck on the engine
of her car,

after a couple of miles,

there'll be nothing
but her hubcaps left.

See what I mean? Here.

Uh, well...
Stick that in your pocket.

Don't worry, sir.

Only don't stand too near
a radiator or anything
like that.

Or anything like that.

Are you kidding?

Will you want me anymore, sir?
Shh!

[in a low voice]
Will you want me anymore, sir?

Good night, sir. Good luck.

[nervous laughter]

How's your headache?

Still very bad.

Oh, good. Come on,
I'll fix that.

Yes.

You do that so well.

You should take care
of yourself.

And you, my darling.

You should look
after yourself, too.

You've got
very beautiful hair.

When I was little girl,
it was very long.

You must have been
very beautiful
as a little girl.

And you, Nicky,
you never grew up,
did you?

Makes two of us,
doesn't it?

Nicky... I have been
very happy with you,

very happy.

One or two eggs,
madam?

One, please.

[in Italian]
Excuse me, sir.

[in English]
One or two eggs, madam?

One.
Excuse me.

Little bit more, eh?
Protein, very important.

Little bit vitamin, eh?
Pretty girl like you.
Please...

Thank you.
Sit down.

And... eat! Hmm?

Ahem.

Good morning, Nicky.
Good morning.

Good morning, sir.
Eggs fried or scrambled?

Yes, please.
Yes.

Max is going to take me
shopping in Rome today.

Aren't you, Max?

Whatever you say, princess.
You don't mind, do you?

No, no, not at all.

[Max] You know something?
I'm just crazy nuts
about your cousin.

Good morning.

[all]
Good morning.

A coffee, please.
[in Italian]
Right away, ma'am.

[in English]
Good morning, darling.

Good morning.

Nicky?
Hmm?

I was wondering.
Would you do a favor for me?

Of course.

My watch,
it needs repairing.

I wonder if you'd be
kind enough to
take it in for me?

Sure.

I don't really
have the time, you know.

I have an appointment
with the hairdresser
at 10:00.

Of course.

Thank you.

I really
have to go now.

Excuse me.

[Max snaps fingers]
More coffee.

Thank you.

Well, Nicky...

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[car starts]

The watch.

Oh, the watch.

Here. Patroni in the village.

You can't miss it.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Nicky.

[adventurous music playing]

Nicky!

Just don't ask
questions.

What's happened?
Just never mind! Get down!

No, Nicky.

No, darling. Get down!

You--

I couldn't do it.
I am sorry, darling.

I couldn't do it either.
Oh, darling.

I love you so much.
I love you.

I must have been crazy
to do such a thing for money.

Darling, will you
ever forgive me?

You crazy kid.

I haven't got
any money.

You don't have any money?

I haven't got a penny.
Isn't that funny?

Haven't got a sou.
I've got nothing.

I don't have any money either,
you know.

You don't have any money?
What about the villa
and your husband?

It was all a mistake,
my beloved, yes.

A mistake?

No money?
Not a nickel, my love.

[both chuckling]

But we have each other,
you know.

Yes, we have each other.

Love is better
than all the money
in the world.

Than the whole world.

[commotion]

Is that all
you can do all day,
sit around reading magazines?

What do you
want me to do?

You could get a job, you know!

Get a job?
Why would I want
to do a thing like that?

Any other man would go
and look for work.

Work?
Are you kidding?

I'm sick.
I'm not cut out for work.

And I am not cut out

to take in other people's
dirty washing!

That's my last bottle of beer!

Why, you--

Oh, that did it!

I should have fixed you
when I had the chance.

But, no. I'm stupid.
You know what I do?

I have to marry you
in a country
where there's no divorce.

Don't touch me!
Or I'll cut you to pieces!

You know something?
See this?
To the moon! Pow!

Shut up!
Dinner is served, sir.

Surprise. Look what we got
for dinner tonight. Spaghetti!

What's the matter
with spaghetti?

It stinks! That's what's
the matter with spaghetti.

Spaghetti for breakfast,
lunch, dinner.

Spaghetti, spaghetti,
spaghetti!

I've had it up to here!

Will you cut it out?

Will you
get out of here?

[indistinct chatter]

What am I doing?
What are you looking at?

Get out of here!

[glass shatters]

[closing theme music]