All language subtitles for The_Women.1939.720p.ENG

Oh, poor darling! Aw!

Did that bad monster try to fight
with Muddy's little baby? My darling.

You sure is nice and sweet,
but you need perfume on your breath.

- Good morning, Olive.
- Good morning.

Good grief. Women should leave
beasts like that at home.

But my little Lillikins is different.
She's her Muddy's little playmate.

Olive, here's her special drinking water.

She never wants to drink,
Mrs. Van Adams.

Ah, but you never can tell.
Some day, she may.

If she cries for me,
tell her that...

Muddy's making herself beautiful
just to play with little Lillikins.

Mrs. Carter and I are being done together.
Is she here?

Yes. You're going to have a manicure,
shampoo, facial and everything.

- Look at Sydney's miniatures.
- Sure sign of a petty mind.

They've been waiting half an hour.
You could see the art exhibit later.

All right. Art exhibit, my foot.

Would you remove your hat?
Sit here, Mrs. Spencer.

How fascinating.

- Put your face in there and be quiet.
- Let me see. Oh!

Good grief. I hate to
tell you, dear, but your

skin makes the Rockies
look like chiffon velvet.

Only half a minute more, Mrs. Miller,
and you can talk again.

Oh. I beg your pardon.
I'm looking for Grandma.

- Grandma isn't in there.
- She isn't in here.

This mud has worms in it!
I know it has worms in it! I can feel them.

They're more scared of you
than you are of them.

What's a little worm?
At Harvard and Yale, they eat them.

- Relax. Rest and close your eyes.
- All right.

But I still say I'm going to pull a gun
on him, just like I did on Judge McClure.

I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh, my dears!

That solid mountain of flesh
is going to marry a jockey.

- Won't her husband turn over in his grave?
- What's she got in common with a jockey?

Horse feathers.

Yes, miss?

She's all right, Miss Spencer.
She's my press agent.

Has anybody seen my grandmother?
She's Southern. Thank you.

The South is in that direction.

- Grandma!
- Hello, darling.

- Where have you been?
- Four miles.

- May I go to the fights tonight?
- Not without me.

Oh, Grandma.

Is Miss Atkinson here?

You don't look a day over 35.

That old gasoline truck.
She's 60, she's a minute.

- Who is she?
- Gillingswater.

One more perm
and she won't have a hair left.

- She's got plenty on her arms, baby.
- She does shed, doesn't she?

It's the newest color, Jungle Red.

- What?
- It's the newest color, Jungle Red.

One of the girls recognized
in Cholly Knickerbocker's column...

and it was Haines.

- What did you say the name was?
- Haines.

How do you know?

Two weeks ago I passed by
where Crystal lives.

The landlady said she'd moved
to be with her gentlemen friend.

- "What gentlemen friend," I said.
- Shut it off. I can't hear a thing!

Hazel! Hurry, get the pins out.
I want to get out!

- Boo! I'm an elevator man!
- Don't frighten Mother, dear.

Run along, darlings.

The lambs! Are you sure they are dressed
warm enough? Hello?

Edith? Take a good grip on yourself.
You're going to die.

Stephen Haines is stepping out on Mary.

- What?
- All aboard for the main lobby!

Yes. Run along now, children.

But, Sylvia, darling, who told you?

A manicurist? Go on.

This manicurist,
she's perfectly divine, she said to me:

"I know something about
rich Mrs. Haines."

Oh!

But, Sylvia, suppose Mary should
hear about it? Wouldn't it be terrible?

Wouldn't it be ghastly?

But, darling,
we've got to face her at lunch today.

Won't it be too tragic?

Eating her food
and knowing all about her husband.

Darling, I'll burst until
I get the details,

but I've got to see
that filthy doctor.

Yes, you know, my regular checkup.
Goodbye, darling.

Operator, will you give me
Great Neck 8125, please.

Will you tone her down?
This is a toll call.

Hello, this is Mrs. Potter speaking.

Will you tell Mrs. Haines
not to wait lunch for me?

No, tell her I have to see my doctor,
but I'll make it just as soon as I can.

Mrs. Haines is out riding now
with Little Mary, but I'll let her know.

Mother, will you tell Daddy I beat you?
Will you tell him?

If I tell him, he'll
think I'm conceited.

Ha, ha. He'll be awfully
disappointed in me.

But you're so solid
with him anyway.

Oh, you think so. All
right, I'll tell him.

And to prove it beyond doubt,
I'll photograph the finish.

Oh, swell.

Lickety-split now.
It's got to look like the real McCoy.

All right, Mother. Here I come.

- Hooray!
- Hooray! The winner.

- I'll have to borrow your horse next time.
- I could beat you with any horse.

Let me take you now, Mother.

Wait a minute. Oh! Ha, ha.
Look at that one.

How's that?

Look out there.
You're shooting us on the bias.

Oh, I meant to. That's artistic.

That won't impress Daddy.
He's heard that one before.

- How is this for artistic?
- That's swell.

Hold it. Still.

My goodness. What a racket.

If this was an angel cake,
it would fall like a board.

Any sensational ideas about
dessert tonight, lngrid?

- Baked apples.
- What? No charlotte russe?

- You never eat it, and he shouldn't.
- Why?

Because he sits in an office all day,
and most every night too, lately.

That's why he should be pampered.
It's our last dinner at home.

We'll be up in Canada for two weeks,
living like pioneers.

I'll be cooking, so you
know what he'll get.

I know. indigestion.

You can't fool me. You cook for him like
a French chef all the time you're away.

I was looking for my cookbook
this morning, and I found it in your trunk.

- I'll bring it back.
- I hope.

What kind of food
do you want for him tonight?

- Pancakes Barbara.
- Oh, ridiculous. Twenty pounds right off.

- Oh, come on.
- All right, if you say so.

But that Adonis figure of his won't last
forever without help from the kitchen.

I'll cry for you...

- Mother, I'm helping you to pack.
- Thanks, darling.

Sheba, get off Daddy's coat.

You don't want to take this old thing
along with Daddy, do you?

- What old thing, dear?
- This.

Old thing? Heh.
What do you mean, old thing?

- Daddy never wears that coat.
- Yes, he does.

Whenever we go away on trips together,
hunting and fishing.

- Where did you get those?
- I found them in here.

Oh.

- We took those on our honeymoon.
- You did? Where was your honeymoon?

Up in Canada,
where we're going tomorrow.

You know, that's the spot
where I caught that famous fish.

Goodness gracious. it isn't such a
big fish, though, is it, Mother?

Well, the big fish aren't always
the most important, you know.

When I first married Daddy,
I couldn't fish worth a cent.

He started to teach me.

The first thing I learned was how
to cast a fly. And then I caught that fish.

And Daddy said
he'd have to have it stuffed...

- ...in case I never catch another.
- In case I never catch another.

- But you do catch others?
- Millions of them.

It's only nip and tuck now who makes
the biggest catch, Daddy or me.

- Does it make Daddy jealous?
- Furious. We have terrific battles.

- Oh, now you're just fooling.
- Ha, ha.

- Where's Daddy in this one?
- He's probably taking the picture.

- I see his shadow, there in the snow.
- That's right.

Oh, I remember that morning.

It snowed during the night and we had to
dig our way out of the cabin.

We were snowbound for two whole days.

- Like in a movie?
- Yes, darling.

- Were your lives in danger?
- Mm?

Well, uh, hardly.
But it was very romantic, anyway.

Oh.

I think that kind
of lovey-dovey stuff is silly.

You do, hmm?
What do you know about it, anyway?

- Mother?
- Mm-hm?

What do you and Daddy talk about
when I'm not around?

- Oh, I don't know. Everything.
- You do an awful lot of laughing.

- Do we?
- I hear you sometimes.

- You shouldn't be listening.
- What do you laugh at?

Oh, little jokes. Lots of things.

- Do you love Daddy better than me?
- What?

Whatever gave you such an idea?

Ingrid says you love him
better than anyone.

Oh. That's a different kind of love.
You'll find out when you grow up.

- Will I?
- Mm-hm.

Well, when I do,
I hope that I won't think it's silly.

Mrs. Haines.
The lunch guests have started to arrive.

Mother, let me pick out your dress.

- They'll be fancy, why not be plain?
- Let's hurry.

- How do you do, Mrs. Potter?
- Hello, Jane.

- How are you feeling today?
- Too awful.

I wouldn't wish my
woes on my worst friend.

Aw.

Oh, Jane. Will you tell Mrs. Fowler
that I'd like to talk to her for a moment?

Yes, Mrs. Potter.

- How's the little mother?
- Jane, never mind about that.

Hello, dear.

The spider's in the parlor. Let's join her.

I said, "Do you expect me to stay home
and darn your socks?

- Why do we keep servants?"
- You don't keep them long.

Great guns, what are you made up for?
"The Seeing Eye"?

You better save your cracks
for your next book.

- Edith, you must have dashed.
- I broke every speed record.

- I thought you were going to Africa.
- As soon as my book's out.

I'd rather face a tiger than the things
the critics said about your last book.

- Isn't this divine of
Mary and the little girl?

Let's see.

Uh, what does it say?

Hmm. Leave it to Mary to see
she's photographed from her best angle.

Is that so?

What will you write next? Animal stories?

I wouldn't have to go to Africa for that.

Ha-ha.

I wish I could make a little money writing,
the way you do.

If you wrote the way I do,
that's what you'd make.

You're not a very
popular author, are you?

Not with you.

Best angle, my foot.
It doesn't half do her justice.

You'll have some sherry?

I'll take it. Peggy never seems
to connect very well.

- I'm sorry.
- Let me see.

She's in love, bless her. After the child's
been married as long as you...

she may be able to concentrate
on matters like cocktails.

- Ah, another lecture on the modern woman.
- At the drop of a hat.

I consider myself a perfectly good wife.
I've sacrificed a lot for Howard Fowler.

Oh, smoked oysters. Mm.

Don't mention smoked oysters.
They turn me green.

Oh, Edith, you are a bore.

Lay off my reputation, girls,
while I unswallow.

Please.

Heh. isn't Little Mary a dream?
I wish I could afford to have a baby.

You never will
if your bridge game doesn't improve.

I'm devoted to Edith Potter,
but she gets me down.

I don't blame her husband
for being bored with her.

- What makes you think Mr. Potter is--?
- My dear, he's one of those flirty types.

Loves to kiss all the girls.
I told him off one time.

I said, "Look, one more smack,
and I'll go straight to Edith."

- And did you?
- Of course not.

I'd die before I'd hurt Edith.

- Nuts.
- Thanks, dear.

Heaven be praised, I'm on to my husband.
I wouldn't trust him on Alcatraz.

You oughtn't to talk about him like that.
I think it's disloyal.

Do we know how the men talk
about us when we're not around?

- I've heard rumors.
- Exactly.

And, uh, while we're on the subject...

have you wondered if the master
of this maison might not be straying?

I haven't.

Mary Haines may be living
in a fool's paradise.

You're so resourceful.
I ought to go to you for plots.

You ought to go to someone.

- All over, dear?
- False alarm. Have you finished with me?

Long ago. We're on our hostess.

I think Mary's being very wise,
snatching Stephen Haines off to Canada.

You just can't bear Mary's happiness,
can you? it gets you down.

- How ridiculous. Why should it?
- She's contented to be what she is.

- Which is what?
- A woman.

- Ah. And what are we?
- Females.

Really? And what are you, pet?

What nature abhors.
An old maid. A frozen asset.

Ha! Come on. Let's see
what's keeping Mary.

Run along, children.

I thought I'd never get you alone.
I can't wait to get the lowdown.

You're going to swoon when I tell you.
You know I go to Sydney's for my hair.

You should go, pet.
I despise whoever does yours.

I know it looks awful.
Never mind. Hurry up.

This manicurist, Olga, is a riot.
Isn't that divine? Jungle Red.

Simply divine. Go on.

I was looking at Vogue,
the one with Mary in it.

The one with the wig
that flatters her so much?

Yes. That started this girl on Mary,
and the whole story rolled out.

- Is it someone we know?
- No. That's what's so awful about it.

She sells perfume at
Black's Fifth Avenue.

Black's?

Oh, my...

it wouldn't be so bad if he'd picked
someone of his class. But a beezle.

How did he meet a girl like that?

How do men ever meet girls like that?
They live for that.

Somebody should shut that manicurist up.

A piece of scandal like that? Not a chance.

She never stops talking.
You know how those creatures are.

Babble, babble, babble.

Never let up.
A lot they care whose lives they ruin.

Ten cents. it's fine to be homespun
in the country, but really.

- Isn't it a dirty trick?
- Isn't it foul?

Cheap Chinese embroidery.
I'll bet Peggy gave her these.

It wouldn't be so bad if only we knew.
We could keep our mouths shut.

Ha. I know plenty I'd never breathe
about my friends' husbands.

Oh, so do I.

- You know I adore Mary.
- I worship her.

We're not only cousins.
She's my best friend.

We were raised together.
I forgot to tell you...

- Break it up, girls.
- Darling.

- Hello.
- You're so slim, I could kill you.

You don't have to.
The diet I'm on is pure poison.

How can you exercise all day
and look so contented?

It's a trick I learned from the cows.

- Sorry to be late, girls.
- We haven't had a dull moment.

Sylvia, feeling better?

Meaning what?

You and Edith look so relaxed.
It must have been choice.

It was.

- What are you talking about?
- Nothing. Oh, uh, how's Stevie?

Not so well lately. - Oh?

- What's the trouble?
- Just nerves, I guess.

Phelps has had nervous indigestion
for years.

You should hear him rumble.
Like a truck on cobblestones. Ha, ha.

- Lunch is served.
- Thanks, Jane.

There's nothing worrying
Stevie, is there?

I don't think so.

He's been working too late
the last few weeks, that's all.

Are you sure it's work, darling,
and not a beautiful blond?

Come on, Sylvia. Let's feed. I'm famished.

- Stephen's a very attractive man.
- Isn't he?

I can't imagine why he hasn't deserted me
for some glamour girl long ago.

Don't be too sure of Methuselah.

I tell Howard, "if you manage to make
a fool of me, I'll deserve it."

- You certainly will.
- Mr. Haines is on the phone.

He probably can't get home to dinner.

Please don't talk about me when I'm gone

Hello, dear.

Oh, Stephen. What a bore.

Yes, I'm nearly packed...

but I can unpack again.

I know.

I know, darling.

And don't you be too disappointed, either.
It'll be just as nice later on.

Maybe you can make
an early train out tonight.

I'll meet you at the station and we'll--

I see.

I'm sorry, darling.

It's just that, heh, lngrid was going
to outdo herself for you tonight.

All right, sweet. Call
me a little later, hmm?

Goodbye, dear.

You look as low as a swamp, dear.
What's up?

It's really too disgusting. Stephen can't
get away to go to Canada tomorrow.

He can't?

If the trip's off,
I'll move into town in the morning.

I would if I were you, Mary.

Heh. Watercress. I'd just as soon
eat my way through the front lawn.

Sylvia, what did you mean when you said
"Mary was in a fool's paradise"?

She was trying to make a wisecrack
about marriage.

She said, "A woman's paradise
is always a fool's paradise."

That's not bad, is it, Nancy?
Sylvia, whatever I'm living in, I like it.

- No, thank you.
- Go ahead, dear. No starch. it's gluten.

Did you ever know such a housewife?

- Mary, how do you like that?
- Too adorable.

You have no idea how it stays on.
I get it at Sydney's. You should go.

A wonderful new manicurist. Olga.
She's marvelous.

- Isn't that divine? Jungle Red.
- Looks as if you've torn someone's throat.

I'll be darned
if I'll let you ride me anymore.

Nancy is only trying to be clever.

She picks at everything about me.
Even my nails.

I like them. I really do. Sydney's,
Olga, Jungle Red. I'll remember.

I woke up this morning and decided,
for no reason, to have myself overhauled.

But why, darling?
Stephen adores you just as you are.

Why do you think I'm getting
overhauled for Stephen?

- You are, aren't you?
- Of course.

I called for an appointment.
I'm Mrs. Fowler's friend.

- Anyone in particular?
- Who does Mrs. Fowler's nails?

Olga. I'll see if she's free.

My Johnny doesn't like
Sylvia's Jungle Red.

He said he'd like to do her nails right
down to the wrist with a buzz saw.

He's intolerant.
Sylvia is all right, underneath.

Oh, Summer Rain.
This is the most divine new perfume.

Yes, I have some.
Stephen gave me a bottle for my birthday.

- I think Stephen's awfully sweet.
- Sweet?

He gave you those gorgeous clips,
then he bothered to get you perfume too.

- Olga's ready, madam.
- Thank you. See you at the Ritz at 1:00.

Take this with you.
It will keep you company.

- Right up here, madam.
- Bye.

Good morning, madam. Are you the one?

I love to get a new client.
It puts a girl on her mettle.

Don't you just love to read?
How do they think up those plots?

Don't soak it yet. I
suppose anybody's life

would be a plot if it
had an exciting finish.

- Who sent you in here?
- Mrs. Fowler.

Isn't she a lamb?
She sent me three clients this week.

Know Mrs. Parrish?

She told me that Mr. Parrish came home
one night with lipstick on his collar.

He always explained everything before.

But that was something
he wasn't going to try to explain.

Soak it, please. Know Mrs. Potter?

I did her at her apartment.
It looks like a reform school.

Her seven daughters are total gangsters.
Know Mrs. Stephen Haines?

Why, yes, I--

I guess Mrs. Fowler told you about that.
Oh, she feels awful sorry for her.

I don't, I--

- You would if you knew this girl.
- What girl?

- Crystal Allen.
- Crystal Allen?

Yes. You know,
the girl who hooked Mr. Haines.

Oh, don't you like the file?

This Crystal Allen is a friend of mine.
She's a terrible mantrap. Soak it, please.

She's behind the perfume counter
at Black's. So was I, before I got fired.

Left. That's how she met him.

- Met Stephen Haines?
- It was a couple of months ago.

Us girls wasn't busy.

It was an awful rainy day.

This gentleman walks up to the counter.
Crystal nabs him.

"I want some perfume," he says.

"May I ask what type of woman for?"
Crystal says.

That didn't mean a thing. She was going
to sell him Summer Rain, our feature.

Crystal goes on conning him,
and batting her eyes.

She's got those eyes that
run up and down a man like a searchlight.

She puts perfume in her palm and in
the crook of her arm for him to smell.

He got to smelling around,
and I guess he liked it.

Since then, they've been inseparable,
practically every evening.

Did I hurt? Jungle Red, I suppose?
One coat or two?

Never mind.

But I thought that's what you came in for?
All Mrs. Fowler's friends--

I think I got
what all Mrs. Fowler's friends come for.

Oh, thanks. Goodbye.
I'll tell her you were in, Mrs., uh...?

- Mrs. Stephen Haines.
- Mrs...?

Oh, gee. Oh, gee.

Mrs. Haines, I'm sorry.
ls there something I can do?

- Just stop telling that story.
- Sure, I will.

Please don't tell
anyone you told it to me.

I won't. I promise.

That would be kind of humiliating for you.
I mean, Crystal's a terrible girl.

She's terribly clever and terribly pretty,
Mrs. Haines.

If I was you, I wouldn't waste time
trying to get Mr. Haines away from her.

I mean, now you know, Mrs. Haines.

Mrs. Haines, your
mother is here.

Thank you, Jane. Tell
her I'll be right out.

Yes, ma'am.

- Hello, dear.
- Hello, Mother.

My, my, what lovely flowers.

- What will you wear this evening?
- My old black.

Yes, ma'am.

- No, I think I'll wear my new pink.
- Very well.

What's on your mind? You sounded
so excited on the telephone just now.

I think I was, my dear. Jungle Red.
I've been to Sydney's this afternoon too.

- Did you have Olga?
- No, but Olga knew who I was.

She asked to meet me. She's very upset
about the story she blurted out to you.

- She didn't say it wasn't true, did she?
- No.

I knew this sort of thing happened
to other people, but I...

I never dreamed it could happen to us.

We've been so happy together.
So really happy.

I know.

There, there, baby.

Have you got one?

I'll be all right now.

You haven't said anything
to Stephen yet, have you?

- No. I haven't even seen him since--
- Then say nothing.

Don't forget that's my handkerchief.

Shall I give this
a touch with the iron?

- Yes. Thank you, Jane.

Look, Mother. Rather sweet, isn't it?

Charming. And very wise of you
to wear pink.

Mother, you didn't really mean
that I should say nothing?

- Of course I do.
- But, Mother--

I felt the same way 20 years ago.

Not Father. Oh!

Mary, in many ways, your father was
an exceptional man, but that wasn't one.

- And you said nothing?
- Nothing. I had a wise mother too.

Listen, my dear. This story isn't new.
It comes to most wives.

Oh, but Stephen...

Stephen is a man.
He's been married 10 years.

You mean he's tired of me?

Stephen's tired of himself, tired of
feeling the same things in himself.

Time comes when a man
has to feel something new.

And he's got to feel young again,
just because he's growing old.

- Mother, Stephen isn't old.
- Of course not.

But we women are much more sensible.

When we tire of ourselves,
we change our hair, or hire a new cook...

or decorate the house.

I suppose a man could do over his office,
but he never thinks of anything so simple.

No, dear. A man has only one escape
from his old self.

To see a different self
in the mirror of some woman's eyes.

Oh, Mother.

The girl probably means no more to him
than that new dress means to you.

- But, Mother--
- "But, Mother."

He doesn't love the girl. if he did,
you'd have felt it yourself long ago.

Yes, I always thought I would.
I love him so much.

And he loves you, baby.
So take my advice. Keep still.

Keep still when you're
fairly aching to talk.

It's about the only sacrifice
spoiled women like us...

ever have to make to keep our men.

- What if I don't want him on those terms?
- But, Mary...

Mother, it's all right for you
to talk of another generation...

when women were chattels,
and they did as men told them to.

But this is today.
Stephen and I are equals.

We took each other of our own free will,
for life, because we loved each other.

We've always given each other our best.
I won't qualify that relationship now.

It's wrong. Shockingly wrong.

And women that stand for such things
are beneath contempt.

I'll never be one of them. Never.

- But, Mary... - it's all over.
It's finished. I'm through.

No, it isn't. it will never be finished
while you love him.

Oh, I'll get over that. Women do.
They have to.

What are you doing this evening?

We're dining at home
and going to the theater.

I've asked Beth and Dave.
I'll go through with it.

I'll have it out with him after.
I'll tell him that I can't go on.

You're not to say a word to Stephen
until you've thought this out very calmly.

I'm going this minute to get our tickets.

You're taking me to Bermuda.
My throat's bad.

I didn't want to worry you,
but my doctor says...

How sweet of you.

But what can there be between us now?

The thing that made us
belong to each other is gone.

There's something more for you
to think of besides each other.

There's your daughter.

When Mary's old enough to realize,
she'll know I'm right.

Have it your own way,
but don't forget, it's

being together at the
end that matters.

One more piece of motherly advice.
Don't confide in your girlfriends.

I think they all know.

- Do they think you know?
- I don't know.

Leave it that way.

If you let them, they'll see that,
in the name of friendship...

you lose your husband and your home.

I'm an old woman, my dear,
and I know my sex. Goodbye.

Goodbye, darling,
and thanks for coming up.

It's nice to have you need Mother again.

You'd better think it over, dear,
about Bermuda.

Your home, Little Mary's home,
is worth putting up a stiff battle for.

There's nothing like a good dose
of being alone...

to make a man appreciate his wife.

I think I better take my handkerchief.

Hello.

Hello, Stephen.

Yes.

Oh, you can't?

I see.

No, I'm not angry. Heh.

Beth and Dave will be disappointed
not to see you, that's all.

No, I won't wait up.

Stephen, I think I'll take Mother
to Bermuda for a few weeks.

She was just here
and she doesn't seem to be feeling well.

On the first boat, if you don't mind.

Oh, uh...

Don't break your appointment, dear,
if it's going to upset your business.

But if you find that you can go tonight,
just call me back.

You needn't dress, and it doesn't matter
if you're late for dinner.

Goodbye.

- Well, here we are. Creeping up on her.
- Do you think we ought to do this?

Oh, shut up.

- That's little Crystal.
- None other.

May I serve you, madam?

- Uh, no, thank you.
- We're just looking.

From the neck up, I'd say no.
How about Baby?

Of course.

Perhaps you'd like to try this.

It couldn't be anyone else.

Pat, here's your customer's change.

- Pat.
- May I wait on you?

I still don't know why he overlooked her.

I do. Pipe.

Never mind. This has got to go out now.
Wrap it up.

- Were you asking for me, Miss Allen?
- I've been looking for you.

I want you to cook dinner.

- I got a date tonight, Miss Crystal.
- Ah, you can break it. Come on.

But I'm noted for the bad way I cook.

If you throw a lamb chop in a hot oven,
what will keep it from getting done?

What happened to that hot date
you had for tonight?

It's hotter than ever, dear.
I'm having him dine at my place.

It's about time he found out
I was a home girl.

Home girl? Heh. Get her. Why don't you
borrow the quintuplets for an evening?

Because I'm all the baby he wants.

- How much will you pay me?
- Two bucks.

- Can't you make it 3?
- I said 2 bucks.

Oh, all right. Will I find anything
in your icebox?

Cobwebs and a bottle of gin.

Here's some dough.
Get anything, and make it fast.

Perfume Department. it's for you, Crystal.

Oh, it's too late to take any orders.
Tell them I've left the floor.

- All right. I'll tell the gentleman.
- Gentleman? Why didn't you say so?

Hello.

Oh, hello, Stephen.

What?

Well, don't worry, my sweet.

Of course I don't mind
your breaking our engagement.

That is, I mind, of course,
but it's such good discipline...

for my selfishness about you.

- Holy mackerel. What a lie.
- Shut up, will you?

L, uh-- I was going to surprise you
tonight, darling...

and cook dinner myself
in my little apartment.

Why, of course I can cook.

She thinks because Lulu's dark,
he won't be able to see her.

Shh.

You don't know half my accomplishments.

- I'll say, he doesn't.
- Will you get out of here?

Oh, well, that's all right, Stephen.

I'll save you a piece of the cake
with a candle on it.

Oh, well, I didn't tell
you before, Stephen...

because I was afraid
you might do something extravagant.

Oh, it is dear of you to want to be with me
on my birthday...

but I won't be lonely.

Honestly, I won't.

And, uh, if this weather lets up,
my neuralgia will be better.

Then maybe I can...

Oh, no, it's nothing. it's just nerves.

I had a rather gloomy letter
from home today.

My little sister, she's not very well.

What's wrong with her?
She got a hangover?

But she'll be all right.
Yes, I'm holding the thought.

Oh, no, Stephen.

I couldn't think of your
disarranging your evening.

I'll have another birthday next year.

- You'll have another one next week.
- So help me, I'm going to slug you.

Oh, Stephen, if you could drop by
for just a few moments...

and have a glass of sherry to my health.

Stephen. Oh, I do need you so.

Yes, dear.

Yes, darling, I'll meet you on our corner
in five minutes.

Goodbye.

Say, can you beat him?
He almost stood me up for his wife.

Tsk-tsk-tsk.

- Two late shoppers waiting for you.
- You can have them. I've got to hustle.

But they asked for you by name, dear.
Miss Crystal Allen.

- Oh. Why me?
- Maybe they're slumming.

Might I be of assistance?

Oh, yes.
I'm thinking of changing my perfume.

Something more subtle,
or something in the woodsy order?

This, for instance.

- Oh, ha, ha. Is that what you use?
- No, that's much too expensive for me.

Nonsense, my dear. A pretty girl like you,
with all the rich men that float in here.

I'm afraid when they come to this counter
they are thinking of other women.

I shouldn't think you'd
let that disturb you.

Oh. Here's this new one, Summer Rain.

That's the kind Mary
Haines is so keen about.

Oh, yes, that's it.

A friend of ours, Mrs. Stephen Haines...

- ...simply dotes on this.
- Really?

Uh, her husband picked it out for her.
Perhaps you sold it to him.

Stephen Haines, the engineer?

Oh, I'm afraid I don't remember.
We have so many men come in here.

Awfully good looking.
Tall, fair, distinguished.

I'm sure you wouldn't overlook him.

I'm sorry, but when one's mind
is on one's own business...

Of course. And as you say,
you have so many men.

I wouldn't think that one suggested your
personality at all. it's called, uh, Oomph.

How amusing.

- Oh! What's that?
- Closing time.

The bum's rush in melody, dear.

- Good night, Pat.
- Good night, Crystal.

- I'm afraid we're keeping you.
- That's quite all right.

Well, uh, I'll take this.
Charge it and send.

Here's my name and address.

Twenty-five cents. You are getting off
economically, aren't you?

Aren't I?

It'll be out tomorrow, Mrs. Prowler.

- Fowler.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Fowler.

The impertinent upstart.
I won't let her get away with that.

You weren't exactly
any Pollyanna yourself.

No wonder she caught on.

"Prowler." She's laughing at us.
I can see from here.

- I believe she is.
- She called me that deliberately.

I'll have her fired.
I'll go to management right now.

I'll go with you.

Ta-da.

You never told me you could do that.

I can do a lot of things
you don't know about.

Bermuda's finest railway.

- Did you like to ride on that thing?
- We had to like it.

There wasn't a single automobile
in Bermuda. Those were our taxis.

Now you'll see
your grandmother ride a bicycle.

- Grandma, you can't ride a bicycle.
- Can't I? Here I come.

Grandma, you're a riot.

Riot? I was a catastrophe.

How did you ever get out of it?

Your mother brushed me up in a dustpan.

What have you got on there?

Watch and see.

- He's giving you a run for your money.
- There.

Oh, that fish is
dead as a doornail, Mother.

What?

- He wouldn't fool anybody.
- No harm in trying.

Watch. This is where the camera
goes overboard.

Did you drop
our precious camera in the water?

Your precious grandma dropped in after it
straight to the bottom of the ocean.

Not quite to the bottom.
I know I saw whales on my way up.

- Weren't you having a good time that day?
- I was getting homesick for you.

Until your grandmother broke it up.

You're pretty in that picture, Mother...

with the book in front of your face.

Well, the show is over.

- Homesick for me or for Daddy?
- For Sheba.

If Sheba would have been along...

you would have stayed
the full four weeks?

- Of course.
- Your music teacher is here.

Thanks. Don't put the machine away yet.
I want to run them for Daddy.

I ran them for him last night.

I bet he wished he was there
when he saw you catch that fish.

- Heh. Yes, I bet he did.
- We missed you so while you were gone.

- Daddy and I.
- Did you?

Yes. He finally had to take me to the zoo
to cheer me up.

- Well, a fine compliment to me.
- I didn't mean it that way, Mother.

You're better than all the lions,
tigers and elephants in the whole world.

- Bless you.
- I saw Mrs. Potter at the zoo that day.

- Who was she visiting with? The snakes?
- Oh, Mother.

As a matter of fact, she was.

Mrs. Potter said she and Auntie Sylvia
would call you up that evening...

in Bermuda.

- You didn't tell me they called you up.
- Didn't I?

I guess I thought they hadn't said anything
worth reporting.

- Mademoiselle is waiting, Mary.
- Oh, bother. Goodbye, Grandma.

I'll give you a lesson some day
with the camera.

Mary, is that why
we hurried home ahead of time?

Why, we hurried?

Was it something those women said
to you when they called you up?

Heh. Of course not. You're so suspicious.
I'm happy we came home when we did.

Stephen has spent every evening with me
since I got back.

- Are you really happy, dear?
- Divinely.

Mary, look me in the eye.

- Now say it again.
- I'm divinely happy.

Mrs. Potter called. She said
she'd see you at the fashion show.

- Will you put those things away?
- Yes, ma'am.

Come along this afternoon
and watch me splurge.

And listen to Edith Potter?
I'd sooner have the itch.

I'm afraid you don't
humor my friends enough.

It's humoring some of them
not to cut their throats.

Mary, now that you're home again, promise
me that you stay in your own ivory tower...

and be very noncommittal
about yourself and Stephen.

- They won't get a thing out of me.
- Good.

Any more advice to the lovelorn?

You mustn't kid Mother, dear.
I was married before you were born.

No.

Mary, have one of these.
They're delicious.

Edith, don't tempt me.
I lost pounds in Bermuda.

You are thin, darling.
I hope it's not from worry.

No. The tropics are swell for the figure.

- What did you wear there?
- Slacks, mostly. I got very sloppy.

One always does, traveling alone.

You ought to load up on clothes
for Stephen, dear.

- Is he taking you out much?
- Yes, lots.

- Come on, girls. Let's sit down.
- She can't take it.

it gives me pleasure to be your cicerone...

on our adventurous little voyage
into Fashionland.

But today, ladies, as an innovation,
you'll see the models...

go through the rhythmic movement
of everyday life.

You'll be able to study the flow
of the new line...

as it responds to the ever-changing glow
of the female form divine.

Et maintenant,
a little peep into the coming season.

And, a glimpse of the future too.

Princess Mara, show here, please.

- Hello, Mary.
- Hello.

You should have it, Mary.
You're just what it needs.

It was Mrs. Potter who asked
for the dress, Princess.

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- You'd sell a woman anything.

Come here. Why don't you wear it right?
The cape goes up here.

Stop mauling me.
What do you know about clothes?

I'm not a model,
but nobody disputes how I wear clothes.

You better apologize.

It's professional jealousy.
They're good friends.

Oh, yes. She adores the Fowler family.
Particularly my husband.

Are you accusing me
of flirting with Howard?

No, but of trying to. I'd like to see
Howard bat an eye at another woman.

I've seen him, and she's not bad either.

- You little...
- Come on, Sylvia.

Did you get her innuendo?

I've always hated that creature.
The way she exploits her title.

The one thing I'm sure of
is Howard Fowler.

- How do you do, Mrs. Fowler?
- Hello, my dear. Hey, you.

I don't like that.

Howard wants me to go on a world cruise.

- Oh, isn't that adorable?
- It's divine.

- Don't tell me, but how much is it?
- Two hundred and twenty-five.

- It is a nightgown, isn't it?
- Yes.

I'd be glad to wear
it for an evening gown.

Isn't she naive?

Mary, you have to have it.

If Stephen doesn't notice the nightgown,
he'll notice the bill.

- Okay. I'll take it.
- I'll take that.

I could use a few more gowns.
Imports with hand embroidery.

- I'll get it back for you.
- Please don't bother.

Mary, how humiliating.

Mary, you poor darling,
I could die for you.

What's the matter? I don't want it.
It's too expensive anyway.

- You don't know who she is?
- No. Who?

That's Crystal Allen.

Yes, it's very nice.

I'll take that too.

Pretty, isn't she?

But did you hear the brazen thing? At two
and a quarter, she could use a few more.

- You won't stand by and let that...
- Sorry, girls. it's time for my fitting.

I've been saving a good room for you,
Mrs. Haines. Right this way.

I'll have your fitting sent down directly.

- Right in here, please.
- Thank you.

Our new one-piece foundation garment.
Zips up the back, and no bone.

- Will you open a charge?
- Yes, please.

- May I have the name?
- Crystal Allen, the Hotel Viceroy.

May I have your other charges?
Saks? Bergdorf? Cartier?

- I'll be opening those in a few days.
- Then, may I have your bank?

I've no checking account either,
at the moment.

I'm sorry, but we must have
one business reference.

Certainly. Mr. Stephen Haines.
He's a very old friend of my family.

That will do.
Mrs. Haines is a very good client of ours.

Oh?

Uh, by the way, I've
never met Mrs. Haines.

Oh, she's a dear.

Yes, I'm sure, so I'd rather you didn't say
that I gave her husband as a reference.

- Do you mind?
- Of course not, Miss Allen.

- Thank you.
- We understand.

- What do you mean, you understand?
- I mean, uh...

- Never mind.
- I hope you don't think I...

No, it's quite all right.

It's so dreadful living in a strange city
all alone.

You have to be so careful not to do
anything people might misconstrue.

I don't know Mrs. Haines yet...

and I'd hate to get off on the
wrong foot before I met her socially.

Naturally. Women are funny
about little things like that.

Wait. You know that blue jersey...
Unzip me, will you?

That blue jersey you had
all drippy with embroidery?

The blue negligee?

- Will you bring that in?
- Certainly.

- Oh, that really suits you, Mrs. Haines.
- Yes. it is nice, isn't it?

- Is there something wrong?
- No. it's really charming.

- Yoo-hoo. May I come in?
- I'll get your hat, Mrs. Haines.

Sit down, Sylvia.

- Mary, why don't you confide in me?
- Will you please stay out of my affairs?

No, I won't. if you think I'll let you hide
your head in the sand, you're mistaken.

You're the only one in New York
that doesn't know all about it.

Howard says that Stephen
hasn't been seen in the club for weeks.

Oh, go away.

Show that model to Miss Allen, there.
Your hat, Mrs. Haines.

Oh, yes.

Oh, uh, is that Crystal
Allen across the hall?

Yes, she's a new customer.

Do you know her?

- Has she a lot of money?
- She knows where to get a lot.

She's buying everything she sees,
regardless.

- Mrs. Haines, are you ill?
- No, I'm just tired.

You've been standing too long.

- Go get her a glass of sherry.
- Surely.

Mary, dear, you'd feel so much better
if you talked this out with someone.

Stephen's a worm,
spending money on a girl like that.

Oh, shut up.

Do you like being made ridiculous
before all your friends? Don't be a fool.

- Go in there.
- Go in there? I'm going home.

Now's your chance to go there
and put an end to this.

Go in and say a few quiet words.

Tell her you'll make Stephen's life
a tornado until he gives her up.

Look where she was six months ago
and where she is now.

Sylvia, will you please let me do
what I want to with my own life?

Well, she may be a perfectly marvelous
influence for your husband...

but she won't do your child any good.

- What do you mean?
- Oh.

Far be it for me to tell you things
you don't care to hear.

I've known this all along.

Edith wanted me to tell you
when you were in Bermuda.

But did I utter?

What's this got to do with my child?

It was while you were away.
Edith saw them.

Stephen, that creature and Little Mary
lunching in the park.

She said they were having a happy time.

That beezle had her arm
around Little Mary...

and was kissing her between every bite.

When I heard that,
I was positively heartsick, dear.

But as you say, it's your affair, not mine.

No doubt that girl will make
a good step-mama for your daughter.

Come in.

- I beg your pardon.
- I am Mrs. Stephen Haines.

- Sorry, but I don't think I know you.
- I believe it's my husband you know.

Oh.

- So Stephen's told you.
- No, he's never mentioned you.

- Here's the blue negligee you ordered.
- Stay out of here.

But I've known about you for some time.

That'll be news to Stephen.
Personally, I'm glad you know.

I've kept still because I knew it wouldn't
take him long to get fed up.

Don't lay any bets on that. I'm not you.

You've been seeing my daughter.
That's why I came in.

- I won't have you around my daughter.
- Don't get hysterical.

What do I care about her?
I'm sick of hearing about her.

You won't have to hear
about her anymore...

because you and my husband
aren't going on seeing each other.

That's rather up to Stephen,
don't you think?

Completely,
so you better start making other plans.

Listen, I'm taking my marching orders
from Stephen.

He seems to be satisfied
with this arrangement.

So don't force any issues unless you want
to cause plenty of trouble.

You've made it impossible for me
to do anything else.

- You're very confident, aren't you?
- Yes.

Because I know Stephen couldn't love
a girl like you.

If he couldn't, he's an awfully good actor.

Look, what have you got to kick about?

You've got everything that matters.
The name, the position, the money.

My husband's love happens to mean
more to me than those things.

Oh, can the sob stuff, Mrs. Haines.

You noble wives and mothers
bore the brains out of me.

- I'll bet you bore your husbands too.
- You're a hard one, aren't you?

I can be soft on the right occasion.

Look, what did you expect me to do?

Burst into tears
and beg you to forgive me?

Isn't that what you really
came in here for?

Not after seeing you.
You're even more typical than I dared hope.

Honey, that goes double. Get this.

I'd break up your snug little roost
if I could...

but I don't stand a chance.

Don't think it's because your husband
isn't crazy about me.

It's because he lets old-fashioned
sentiment put the lndian sign on him.

I'm glad you understand the strength
of sentiment, Miss Allen...

because its beauty is something
you'll never know.

This happens to be my room, Mrs. Haines.

It's yours, yes, for the time being,
like everything else you've got.

May I suggest, if you're dressing
to please Stephen, not that one.

He doesn't like such obvious effects.

Thanks for the tip. But when anything I
wear doesn't please Stephen, I take it off.

That's what she calls
meeting Mrs. Haines socially.

I feel sorry for Mrs. Haines.
She's so nice.

She should've kept
her mouth shut.

- Now she's in the soup.
- Allen's smart.

She's fixed it so anything Mr. Haines says
will sound wrong.

- She'll get him, sure.
- Look at that chassis. She's got him now.

You can't trust any man.
That's all they want.

What else have we got to give?

Our new one-piece foundation garment.
Zips up the back, and no bone.

Ready? Up, over, up, down.

Up, stretch, up, together.

Up, over, up, down.

Up, stretch, up, together.

Up, over, up, down.

Up, stretch, up, together.

My sympathies are with Mrs. Haines.
They always are with the woman.

She's been stupid about it.
She walked in and faced the creature.

I begged her not to,
"Mary, where's your dignity?"

- Ouch. My scars.
- Very good for adhesions. Up.

No more "up." This has got me down.

Rest a moment and relax your diaphragm,
if you can.

If only she'd decide to get a divorce.
It's hard on her friends not knowing.

- You can't ask them anywhere.
- On your side.

Ready? Up, down.

For her daughter's sake,
she has to hang on. I would.

Don't bend your knees.

She should not have told him.
When a man's into that, he needs time.

Thigh in.

- She never listens to us.
- How does she avoid it?

Whatever she wants to do is okay by me.
I've got to be loyal to Mrs. Haines.

Oh, I'm simply exhausted.

Suppose you try something simpler,
like crawling up the wall.

Oh, what I go through to keep my figure.

Do I see red when some
fat, lazy, dinner partner says:

"What do you do with yourself
all day, Mrs. Fowler?"

Arms flat. Crawl slowly up the wall.

They way you say that
makes me feel like vermin.

That shouldn't take much effort.
I mean crawling up the wall.

- Hello, Sylvia.
- You're late again, after all I've done.

Please. Please! Let's begin with posture.

- A lady always enters a room erect.
- Lots of my friends exit horizontally.

Now, knees apart, sit on the wall.

Relax. Roll slowly up the wall...

pressing each vertebrae
as hard as you can.

Shoulders back. Heads back.

Mrs. Fowler, lift
yourself behind the ears.

Ouch.

Now, chin up, elbows bent.
Up on your toes.

Arms out,
shove with the small of your back.

John's furious that
you're paying for these.

He ought to be darn
glad he's not paying.

You're still giving him your income?

Yes, he's so proud,
he resents taking that tiny amount.

- He resents it because there isn't more.
- Tuck under, please.

You don't understand,
he's so clever but makes so little.

You should hang on to your income.
It's a married woman's only protection.

Are you as you were
when you left the wall?

- I am.
- No, Mrs. Fowler, you're not.

Not this, that. Try it, please.

That's better. Relax on the mat.

Ready?

One, two.

Now, bend, stretch, you know. Ready?

Bend, stretch, bend, down.
Plenty of pull on the hamstrings, please.

Sylvia. Hello, Peggy.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm having a facial.

Darling, I've done the most awful thing.

We're in the middle of our exercises.

Go tell them I want my paraffin bath.
I'm simply exhausted.

You've hardly moved a muscle.

- Whose carcass is this, yours or mine?
- It's yours, but I'm paid to exercise it.

- You talk like a horse trainer.
- Mrs. Fowler, you're getting warm.

- How do you like...?
- What?

Darling, I've just done
the most ghastly thing.

Move over, will you?

It wasn't until I got here during my
facial, I could bite my tongue off...

Edith, what is it?

I ate with Dolly Dupuyster...

I know. You forgot she's
writing a gossip column,

and you told her something about me.

Darling, you know I never give you away.

- I told her about Stephen and Mary.
- Oh, that.

- It wasn't until I got here... - it'll
be in all the dreadful scandal sheets.

I know. I've been racking my brain
to try and remember what it was I said.

I think I said that Mary
went into the fitting

room and yanked the coat
off the Allen girl.

You didn't.

I don't know if I said
ermine or sable coat,

but I said she gave
her an awful smack.

That's what Sylvia told me.

- I didn't.
- You did too.

I didn't expect you'd tell it
to some cheap reporter.

It doesn't matter.
The divorce is practically settled.

- Who said so?
- You did.

I said, "She can't broadcast her affairs
without them appearing in the scandals."

- Mary didn't broadcast them.
- Who did?

You made it perfectly impossible for Mary.

That's the sort of talk
that mixes everything all up.

The paraffin bath is ready now.

Oh, now, don't worry,
I'll give Dupuyster a ring. I'll fix it.

How?

- I'll say you were lying.
- You'll do no such thing.

Then let the story ride.
It'll be forgotten in the morning.

Remember what they wrote about that girl
who jumped out the window?

See, I can't even remember her name.
So who cares?

- Mrs. Potter, you come right back.
- This is like a boarding school.

- It's such a waste of money.
- Relaxing is part of my facial.

Then you should relax completely,
Mrs. Potter, from the chin up.

Honestly, the class feeling
you run into nowadays.

I'm so sick of creatures like that
who insult me.

Sylvia is a perfectly dreadful woman
and I'm going to tell her so.

She can't help it. it's her tough luck
that she wasn't born deaf and dumb.

Take a tip from me.
Keep out of other women's troubles.

I've never had a fight
with a girlfriend in my life. Why?

I see no evil, I hear no
evil, I speak no evil.

Your idea of love and mine
are slightly different, Stephen.

I don't like being one of a group,
even if I am first.

Stephen, we can't go on like this.

What's happened? - Shh.

- What's happened?
- Shh.

It's come. They're having a showdown.

What's happened?

Give me a cup of coffee
and I'll tell you.

She said that he's put her
in an impossible situation.

People point at her in the street
because of the picture in the papers.

- Ain't it the truth.
- So he blames it on her girlfriends...

for spilling it all.

That ain't far from wrong, either.

Oh, dear. Enough to make you
lose your faith in marriage.

Whose faith in marriage?

- Don't you believe in marriage?
- Sure I do, for women.

But it's the sons of Adam
they have to marry.

- What else did they say?
- Mr. Haines says:

"I told you I'd give her up and I did.

And I was a swine about the way I did it."

How do you think he did it?

Maybe he said,
"Scram, the wife is on to us."

Mrs. Haines seemed hurt by him saying
he was a swine the way he gave her up.

So she says very quiet,
"Would you like to go back to her?"

Did he lie in his teeth to that one?

The way he said he wouldn't,
I kind of believed him.

She said, "You should really make
your manner more convincing, Stephen."

Then she tried to laugh,
but it didn't come off very well.

And he says,
"Aren't you ever going to trust me again?"

I hope she said no.

You can't trust none of them
no further than I can kick this lemon pie.

Oh, no, he said this girl
was really a good girl.

That's why he feels he owes her.
She wouldn't take nothing for months.

That one's a clever one.
She'd have to be to get Mr. Haines.

That's what the madam said. She said:

"Stephen, can't you see the girl is only
interested in you for your money?"

Ha, ha. That made him sore.

A man hates to be told no woman
but his wife is fool enough to love him.

She brought up him taking Little Mary
to lunch with that creature.

He said she happened to be passing by
as he and Little Mary were taking lunch.

- That's a laugh.
- That's the way she took it.

Then they both got mad.
He started telling her all over again...

what a good husband he'd been
and how hard he'd worked for her and Mary.

She kept interrupting, saying that
she wasn't such a washout herself.

Anybody that's ever been married
knows that line backwards and forwards.

Then somewhere in there,
he starts saying:

"Mary, I may have been a heel,
but you've always been first with me."

First. Don't that sound like a husband.

That's what she thought, I guess.
Because she said, kind of hysterical:

"Stephen, I don't go for being one
of a group, even if I am first."

That gets him kind of sore and he says:

"I don't ask you to be fair to me,
but please remember we have a child...

and we do owe her something to her."

That's when she really blew up.

No woman wants to be told she's being
kept on just to run a kindergarten.

Finally, it got to him saying:

"You've known about us for weeks.

Why did you wait until now
to make a fool of me?"

Ha, ha. As if he needed her help.

Then she says suddenly in a low voice,
"Stephen, we can't go on like this."

And he says, "You're
right, Mary, we can't."

You're quite an actress, ain't you?

My new boyfriend says I got eyes
like Jeanette McDonald's.

Did he say anything about your legs?

- Well, how did it all end?
- It ain't ended. They're still at it.

Then what are you doing down here, then?

Get back there and see who's ahead.
We may be out of our jobs tomorrow.

- Well? Well?
- I want some more coffee. I'm done in.

Relax and tell me everything
that happened.

When I got there, the first thing I heard
was the madam saying:

- "Stephen, I want a divorce."
- Abdicating.

You could have knocked him down
with a feather.

I'd like to knock him down with this.
What did he say?

He said he didn't blame her,
but he wished she'd think things over.

He said she should go to bed
and he was going out for some fresh air.

- Ha. The old hat trick.
- And she says, "Fresh air.

Is the air fresher in the Viceroy Hotel?"
That's where the girl lives.

He says, "You never want to see me again
and then I can't even go out for air."

You shouldn't let them out without
a leash. What happened then?

Nothing for a time,
he just kept walking up and down.

He was thinking.

Then he said he was going out,
so I got ready to scoot.

I heard her call, "Stephen."
And he stops on the landing and she says:

"Don't slam the front door,
the servants might hear."

So I came down here.
Gee, Maggie, I feel so sad for her.

- Do you think they're going to break up?
- I don't know.

The first man that can explain...

how he can be in love with his wife
and another woman...

is going to win
that prize they give out in Sweden.

Jane, here are some books you can put in.

Yes, ma'am.

Mr. Haines won't want that old thing.

- It's none of my business.
- Oh, Mrs. Haines.

- Put this in too, will you?
- Yes, ma'am.

The train leaves in an hour.
Give yourself plenty of time.

The traffic is maddening.

Yes, Mother.

Stephen's secretary is bringing around
more papers for me to sign.

Oh. I never knew
there could be so many.

You've shown everything to your lawyers?

Yes, they keep telling me
I'm getting a raw deal.

- Now, Mary.
- Oh, Mother, it isn't true.

Stephen's been very generous.

I'm sure he has.
You're both making a terrible mistake.

- Please, Mother.
- You and Stephen have a child.

Mother, what good will it do her
to be brought up...

in a house full of quarreling
and suspicion?

No. She'll be better off with just me.

No, she won't. A child needs both
its parents in one home.

What's the use?

Every argument just keeps
going around in circles, it seems.

Besides, it's too late now.

No. it's never too late
when you love someone.

Oh, Mary, call this off.
Stephen doesn't want a divorce.

Why doesn't he fight me on it, then?

He's not the fighting kind.

- Well, neither am I.
- Oh, blast these modern laws.

Fifty years ago,
women couldn't get divorces...

and made the best of
situations like this.

Sometimes, out of situations like this,
they made very good things indeed.

- Mr. Haines' secretary, ma'am.
- I'll see her in a few minutes.

Bathe your eyes. You don't want
that adding machine to see you like this.

Remember, you have to tell Little Mary.

Yes, I'm going to but I've been
putting it off because...

You're hoping that a miracle will keep you
from making a mess of your life.

Did you ever think
that Stephen might marry that girl?

Oh, no.

He wouldn't do that.

What makes you so sure?

Because...

Because Stephen, deep down,
really still loves me.

But he won't find it out
until I've gone away.

Mother, make Mary write to me
in Reno at least once a week, will you?

And don't spoil her too much.

Spoil her? You'd think
I never raised children of my own.

Good afternoon.
This is Miss Trimmerback from the office.

- She's a notary.
- How do you do?

I brought the inventories of the furniture.

Mr. Haines wants to know
if he can have the portrait of Little Mary.

- Oh, yes, but it's in storage.
- This will get it out.

Sign here.

The cook's letter of reference.

Sign here.

The insurance papers. Sign here.

Transfer papers on the car.
What do you want done with it?

- I don't know.
- I'll find a garage.

Do you care to rent this apartment,
Mrs. Haines?

I thought of taking a smaller one.

This will give us power of attorney
until you return. Sign here.

Your husband took the privilege
of drawing you a new will.

Well, I'd really...

it's to your advantage, not his.
This will cuts off Mr. Haines.

Your attorneys
overlooked that small detail.

We'll need three witnesses.
Your maid will do.

Jane, will you witness this? it's my will.

- Oh, Mrs. Haines.
- Sign here.

You can always make changes
in the event of your remarriage.

Don't hesitate to let me know
if there's anything I can ever do for you.

There'll be nothing, Miss Watts.

There are always tag ends to a divorce,
Mrs. Haines.

You know how Mr. Haines hates to be
bothered with inconsequential details.

Well, good afternoon, Mrs. Haines.
A pleasant journey to you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Haines.
I wish you weren't going.

Thank you.

Mr. Haines said
to give these to you, ma'am.

- Mother, where are you?
- Here, dear.

- All set, dear?
- Yes. All set.

Mary, Mother would like to have
a talk with you before she goes.

I'll wait for you.

- Mary, um...
- Yes, Mother?

Mary...

- Have I done something wrong, Mother?
- Oh, no, darling, no.

Sit down, dear.

You know Daddy
has been gone for some time.

A whole month.

- Shall I tell you why?
- Why?

You know when a man and woman
fall in love...

- ...what they do, don't you?
- They kiss a lot.

- They get married.
- Yes, and then they have those children.

Well, sometimes married people
don't stay in love.

What, Mother?

A husband and a wife fall out of love.

Why do they do that?

I don't know, but they do.

And when they do,
they get un-married. You see?

No.

They do. That's all.

They get, what is called, a divorce.

Do they?

- You don't know what a divorce is?
- Yes, I do.

Lots of my friends have
mommies and daddies who are divorced.

You know I love you very much, don't you?

Of course, Mother.

So you see, Daddy and Mommy
are going to get a divorce.

That's why I'm going away.

That's why I...

Darling, I can't explain quite, but...

When you're older,
I know you'll understand...

And you'll forgive me. You really will.

Baby...

Look at me, please.

I am looking at you, Mother.

Doesn't Daddy love you anymore?

No, dear, he doesn't.

Don't you love him?

Oh, I... No, Mary.

- Mother, why?
- I don't know, but it isn't Daddy's fault.

Or it isn't Mommy's fault. it's just...

But, Mother, I thought
when you loved somebody...

you loved them until the day you die.

With children, yes.
But grownups are different.

They can fall out of love.

I won't fall out of love with you and Daddy
when I grow up.

Will you fall out of love with me?

No, darling. Never.
But that's different too.

- But I don't see how.
- You'll have to take my word for it, baby.

The divorce has nothing to do
with our love for you. Don't you see?

But if you and Daddy...

Darling, I can explain it better
on the way to the train.

We'll go alone in the car, shall we?

Mother, if you and Daddy
are going to get a divorce...

which one won't I see again,
Daddy or you?

You'll live with me, Mary.

That's what happens
when people get divorced.

Children must go with their mothers.

But you'll see Daddy often, dear.

Come along, darling.

- Please, Mother, wait for me in the car.
- Why?

I have to wash my hands.

Please, Mother, dear.

Daddy. Daddy, darling.

Why don't you do something?
Do something, Mother dear.

Do something.

Please, darling, don't. You mustn't.

Oh, Mary, who'd have thought...

- ...that I'd be going to Reno too?
- I know.

- Come in.
- Is you the lady...

that needs the toothbrush?

Yes.

I guess you made up your mind
to come on this trip in a hurry?

- Yes.
- I thought you did.

The porter will be
making your room up next.

Thank you.

Mary, did you hear from Stephen?

- This? No, that's from an old beau.
- Oh.

You'll be having lots of beaus now,
won't you?

I won't. I'll never look at another man.

When I think of the things he said to me.
My Johnny.

He wouldn't let me buy a car
with my own money.

Just because he couldn't afford one,
I can't have one.

- He wants me to be a slave.
- No, he doesn't.

Oh, yes, he does.

The only protection I have
is my own little income.

- Sounds like Sylvia.
- Well, this time she's right.

Oh, Mary, if I couldn't have caught
this train to be with you,

I'd have jumped right in front of it.

That would have been quite a feat, dear.

I'm such a fool.

Maybe Johnny is right.

Stop it. You'll have me crying too.

- Mary.
- Yes, dear.

Listen to the wheels.

- Do they seem to be saying anything?
- No.

Don't they seem to be saying, "Go back"?

"Go back, go back,
go back, go back, go back."

Why don't you go back to him?

I can't, Mary. After all, I have my pride.

Yes.

I know.

- You better get some sleep, dear.
- All right. I'll see you in the morning.

- If you can't sleep, dear, send for me.
- I will.

Good night.

- Porter's ready now, Mrs. Haines.
- Thank you.

- What, darling?
- Mommy, will Daddy come to Reno?

No, darling.

- Mommy, where is Daddy?
- I don't know and I don't care.

In the future,
please refer to him as "That Heel."

Ch�rie, won't you join me
in some champagne?

Why, yes.

You look so d�sol�e,
sitting there all by yourself.

- Did I?
- I'm the Countess De Lave.

Of course,
I've seen your pictures in the paper.

- And I've seen yours too.
- I'm Mrs. Stephen Haines.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, my dear, those crummy newspaper
pictures didn't do you half justice. Heh.

Let's all have a little party.
You too, dearie.

Now, don't sit in the corner and mope.
Let's all have a little drink.

Champagne? Right you are.

This sweet little thing
is getting her first divorce too.

She's a dear friend of mine.
What did you say your name was?

- Miriam Aarons.
- This is Mrs. Haines.

Yanked the scalp off that Allen woman
in the fitting room.

Oh, yeah. Good for you.

I was afraid you were
a wet firecracker, sister. Shake.

- Hello.
- Cheer up, ch�rie.

Wait until you've lost as many
husbands as I have.

Married, divorced, married, divorced.
Oh, I'amour, I'amour.

- That's French for "Love."
- Oui, oui.

But where love leads, I always follow.

Take it, dearie. Dip
that pretty little beak.

Well, uh, happy days.

Happy nights.

Mrs. Aarons is connected with the stage,
or is it the circus, dear?

- It was the chorus.
- You must tell us all about it sometime.

I bet you made some great hauls
out of our New York boyfriends.

If you mean diamonds and orchids,
that breed died out just before my time.

Yes, isn't it a pity?

I never get a sue out of anybody,
except my first husband, Mr. Strauss.

He said the most touching
thing in his will.

I remember every word of it.

He said, "To my beloved wife, Flora,
I leave all my estate.

"To be administered by executors,
because she is an A-1 schlemiel."

- Wasn't that sweet?
- Any ladle is sweet...

that dishes out some gravy.

Isn't it true? None of my other husbands
ever gave me a dime.

Oh, I'amour, I'amour.
How it can let you down.

Heh-heh.
How it can pick you up again too.

Where is this wretched train taking us?

- We're in the mountains, dear.
- I detest mountains.

They always remind me
of the day Gustave...

made me climb to the top of an alp.

Gustave was my third husband.
Give Flora another little drinkie, dear.

There we were...

when suddenly it struck me
that Gustave had pushed me.

I slid halfway down the mountain
before I realized...

that Gustav didn't love me anymore.

But love takes care of its own.

I slid right into the arms
of my fourth husband, the Count.

Isn't that the bird you're divorcing now?

But of course. What else could I do?

I found he was putting poison
in my headache powders.

Poison? You're not a very good judge
of character, are you?

No, that's the trouble with me.

I don't pick them for character.
I'll bet you picked yours for character.

Well, yes, in a way.

Yes, and where did it get you?
On the train for Reno.

- On the train for Reno.
- Well...

my way, your marriage
may not last until death.

But, uh, heh, it's fun
while it hangs together.

I think it's cruel sitting around
waiting for somebody to die.

- What did you pick yours for?
- Not for character.

There you are. No matter what
you pick them for, where does it get you?

- On the train for Reno.
- On the train for Reno.

Let's all have another drinkie. To Reno.

The biggest little city in the world,
American cradle of liberty.

Reno.
Beautiful emblem of the great divide.

What's the matter, dearie,
cat got your tongue?

No.

To Reno.

Down on Old Smokey all covered with snow

I lost my true lover
From courting too slow

Courting is pleasure
Parting is grief

And a false-hearted lover
ls worse than a thief

The grave will decay you
And turn you to dust

Ain't one boy out of 20
A poor girl can trust

- Lucy?
- Hello, honey. How's tricks?

- Where's Mrs. Haines?
- Don't know.

She'll be moseying around pretty soon.
For the six weeks she's been here...

she's never been far away
when the mail comes in.

Wish that man of hers would send her
a letter, a telegram or something.

Men are all like that. Anything for me?

Nary a postcard, dearie.

You'll miss her a lot
when she leaves tomorrow, won't you?

Yes, I will.

I ain't finished getting
her packing done yet.

Come on. You can mope in her room
as well as anywhere else.

Why didn't you get divorced
this morning with Mrs. Haines?

I had to wait for some papers
from New York.

I see.

Truth to tell, I'll miss Mrs. H too.
She's about the nicest ever came here.

- I hate Reno.
- You didn't come for fun.

The grave will decay
you and turn you to dust

There ain't one boy out of 20
A poor girl can trust

You've seen a lot of divorc�es,
haven't you?

Been cooking for them for 10 years.

- Do you feel sorry for us?
- Ma'am, I don't.

You feel sorry enough for yourselves.
You ain't got much else to do.

You've never been married.

I've had three.

- Husbands?
- Kids.

Oh. Well, then you're probably very happy.

Good gracious, ma'am, I stopped
thinking about being happy years ago.

- You don't think about being happy?
- Ain't had the time with the kids and all.

The old man's such a demon
when he's drinking.

Them big, strong,
red-headed men, they're fierce.

He beat you. How terrible.

Yes, when you think
that a lot of women on the ranch...

need a beating worse than I do.

I'll get Buck to come fix that thing.

But you live in Reno.
You could get a divorce overnight.

A woman can't get herself
worked up to a thing like that overnight.

Yee-hee! Whoa.

Hello, Peggy.

Hi, Countess. You've seen enough.
Let's get out there with the Countess.

ls Mrs. Haines around?

No, Countess. But come on in.
She'll be here soon, the mail has come.

Come a yip a yadi and a yip a yadi

Now she wants to see Mrs. Haines.
I've simply got to see her alone.

- How are you, dear child?
- All right.

Did you see the doctor? What did he say?

Oh, he said it was the altitude.

My dear, you've got
the Reno jumpy-wumpsies.

Lucy, here's a wee juggy.

- We must celebrate Mrs. Haines' divorce.
- Right you are, Countess.

Countess, I don't think a divorce
is anything to celebrate.

if the ocean was whiskey and I was a duck

I'd dive to the bottom
And never come up

Oh, baby, oh, baby
I've told you before

The more I drink whiskey
I love you the more

Oh, baby, oh, ba--

- Lucy, have you ever been in love?
- Yes, ma'am.

Oh. Tell us about it.

Oh, ma'am, ain't much to tell.

I kind of enjoyed the courting time.

It was as pretty a sight as you ever saw
to see him come loping across them hills.

The sky was so big and blue
and that brick top of his...

blazing like the bejiggers in the sun.

Then we'd sit on my back fence and spark.

Ma'am, you know how them
big, strong red-headed men are.

They just got to get to the point.

So we got married, ma'am.

Naturally, I ain't had no chance
to think about love since.

Hello, Countess.
How's the rhythm on the range?

Simply divine, my dear.

Gallop madly over the sagebrush.

- Hello, sunshine.
- Hello.

What you need is a wee drinkie
of this good corn liquor.

- No, thanks.
- Is that invitation general, Countess?

Yes, indeedy, as we say on the range.

Here's to freedom. Day after tomorrow,
I shall be free. Free as a bird.

That little French buzzard.

But whither? Wither shall I fly?

To the arms of our pet cowboy, darling.

- Miriam Aarons.
- Why he's plum loco for you, Countess.

He likes you even better than his horse,
and it's a blasted big horse.

Buck Winston is nice.
He's so young and strong.

Have you noticed
the play of his muscles? Ah. Musical.

You don't mean to say his joints squeak?

Lucy.

He could crack a coconut
with those knees.

If he could get them together.

Say, Countess.

That guy hasn't been arousing
your honorable intentions, has he?

Yes. But I'm different
from the rest of you.

I've always put my faith in love.

Still I've had four divorces.
Dare I risk a fifth?

What are you risking, Countess?
Or maybe I shouldn't ask.

Alas. I fear I'd never make a success
of Buck at Newport.

Why not?
They'd have to admit Buck's handsome.

But if I had your dough,
I'd sell him to the radio first.

- Radio?
- Sure.

Just think of how his voice might sound
cooing over a microphone.

Dreamily drifting over the ether.

Why not?

I'll turn him into a radio star.

Miriam, when are you going to open up
and tell us your great secret?

What secret, Countess?

Heh. About the man in your life.
After all, there must be a man.

I would have spilled before...

but I found out that his wife's
a friend of our palsy-walsy's.

Oh. Who is it? Tell me.

- Ever hear them speak of Sylvia Fowler?
- Yes, I think so.

It's the dame's husband, Howard Fowler.

How sweet.

Yeah, and all he had to do
to get rid of her was...

Oh, look, you got the jackpot.

Hello, girls.

- Hello, babe. How does it feel to be free?
- Oh, great.

- You lie.
- Have it your own way.

Mary, could I see you for a minute?

Certainly, dear.
As my last official act in Reno,

I'm going to prepare the supper
with my own little hands.

- Lucy, any mail?
- Here it is, my lady.

It's from Edith.

- Can't mistake that childish handwriting.
- Coming! Reckon that's the new boarder.

Just got in on the afternoon train
from New York.

Heh, heh. Listen to this.

"Dear Mary, the stork has just delivered
Phelps and me another female."

Good heavens. That makes eight girls.

Eight little cherubs. How sweet.

Who the heck is paging I'amour?

Sylvia.

Sylvia Fowler.

Well, here I am, girls. Move over.

- Where's the porter?
- What's that contraption?

An English saddle.
I refuse to learn to ride...

one of those Western things.

- Did you ever see a horse laugh?
- Pardon?

You're going to.

- Here's a letter for you.
- Oh.

Want to go to your room,
or stay here and dish with your buddies?

I'll be along.

Darling.

What a gathering of the clan.

- Why didn't you send a wire?
- They told me to put nothing on paper.

Anyway, here I am. Oh.

Another member of the big roundup?

This is the Countess De Lave,
Mrs. Howard Fowler.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- And Mrs. Aarons.
- How do you do?

How do you do?

Well, Howard Fowler,
the man I trusted my life with...

has kicked me out for
some filthy beezle.

Don't go, darling. We're
all girls together.

- Pour Mrs. Fowler a little drinkie.
- Okay.

But he couldn't have
kicked you out, not Howard.

Is that so? That's all you know about him.
The man's a fiend, an absolute Borgia.

You wouldn't believe the things he did.

Well, one day, he picked a quarrel with me,
so I ordered him out of the house.

He had Dictographs
hidden all over the place.

And I gave him complete grounds
for incompatibility.

All recorded on nasty little discs
in the most awful-sounding language.

Then he told me that if I didn't go to Reno
to divorce him, he'd go to divorce me.

Divorce me, ruin my reputation.

- Who is the woman?
- Nobody knows, not even Winchell.

- Here you are, sister. Buck up.
- Thanks.

Here's to cupid.
Tomorrow you can start looking around.

You're right,
I don't intend to sit around and act glum.

When I think of what
I've sacrificed for him.

- Such as what, Mrs. Fowler?
- I gave him my youth.

Air mail, special delivery. Ah.

Probably a bill forwarded to me
by Howard, the skunk.

Oh, it's from Carol Hammond.

She says Edith Potter's baby
is another catastrophe.

Looks like Phelps
and has lungs like a bull.

Say, there was a clipping in here.
Where is it?

Give me that.

Hey, you...

Wait a minute, you.

- Hey, you. Wasn't your name Aarons?
- What's it to you, Mrs. Fowler?

You stay right where you are.

"Miriam Aarons is now being Renovated.

"Three guesses Mrs. Fowler,
who she's going to marry."

Why, Miriam.

Ah, why can't those moldy rags
leave a successful divorce alone?

- Why, you little...
- Now, Sylvia.

- Did you know?
- No.

What do you care? You don't love him.

That is irrelevant.
How much did he settle on you?

I made Howard pay for what he wants.

You made him pay
for what he doesn't want.

Why, you filthy...

Don't call me names,
you Park Avenue playgirl.

I know a lot more words than you do.

Don't you dare strike me,
I've got glasses on.

- Now you haven't.
- Aah! How do you like that?

Miriam, darling, don't be vulgar.

My hat. How do you like that?

My hat. Let me go.

Oh, Sylvia.

Pretty well-matched, ain't they?

Get off of me.

Do something.

Leave them enjoy themselves.
I'll get the smelling salts for the loser.

Take it easy, Mrs. Fowler.
I'm only trying to help in my own way.

You big moose.

She's a cuckoo.

- Who's got some iodine?
- In my bathroom. Help her, Peggy.

I've got to be careful of hydrophobia.

Oh, Mary, how could you let her
do that to me?

Oh, forget it.

You're on her side. My own cousin.
And after all I've done for you.

- Just what have you done for me?
- I warned you.

- I'm not exactly grateful for that.
- Oh, aren't you?

You're getting exactly what you deserved.

Plenty of the girls are tickled to death.
I hate you! I hate you!

I hate everybody! I hate everybody!

Listen, Mrs. Fowler, you got the hysterics.

Oh, you wait!

Someday you'll need a girlfriend,
then you'll think of your treachery to me!

Poor creatures.

They've lost their equilibrium
because they've lost their faith in love.

A man can ride a horse to the range above

But a woman has to ride
On the wings of love

Come a yip a yadi and a yip a yadi

Well, a nice little bout between
a couple of lady palookas.

Right. We're really a couple of cats.

- Did you want to see me, Peggy?
- Yes.

Oh, Mary, I'm going to have a baby.

- Peggy.
- Mary, what shall I do?

Oh, darling. Don't cry.

- That's splendid.
- Okay, baby.

- What's John's telephone number?
- Eldorado 53598.

- Wait a minute. What is it?
- Eldorado 53598.

- I can't tell him.
- Why not? isn't he old enough to know?

Uh, long distance, please.

I always wanted a baby,
but what can I do with it now?

- Well, you can enter it for Harvard.
- Or land it with the Marines.

New York. Eldorado 359...

53598.

But I can't tell him.
I wouldn't know how to begin.

Heh. You'll know when you hear his voice.

No, Mary, it's no use.
You don't know the things he said to me.

I have my pride.

Reno's full of women
who have their pride, sweetheart.

It's a pretty chilly exchange
for the guy you're stuck on.

Uh, Mr. Day, please. Reno calling.

Mr. Day? Just a minute.

Suffering Saints.
That guy must live by the phone.

Oh, Johnny?

Hello, Johnny. No, I'm not sick.

Well, I mean, I'm all right, but...

Oh, Johnny, I'm going to have a baby.

Oh, darling, are you?

Oh, darling, do you?

Oh, darling, so do I.

So do I.

Of course I forgive you.

Oh, yes, precious.
Yes, lamb, on the very next train.

Johnny...

Oh, Johnny.
Do you mind if I reverse the charges?

Goodbye, precious.

Peggy.

- Don't expect me for dinner.
I've got to pack.

What happened?

When I get back I'm going to do
everything John says.

Ha, ha. Good.

I'm so happy, I could cry.

Listen, sister, when are you going
to get wise to yourself?

- Who, me?
- Yeah, you.

- Why, I was divorced this morning.
- A Reno divorce.

Hello.

No, operator, we completed that call.

Mary, listen to me.

There's nothing you could say
that I haven't heard.

Sure? Maybe I got a new slant.

I come from a world where a woman's got
to come out on top or it's too darn bad.

All right, talk to me all you want.
What does it come to? Compromise.

What the heck. A woman is compromised
the day she's born.

Can't compromise with utter defeat.

He doesn't want me.

How do you know?

I've waited every day to hear from him.

- Did you write to him?
- Of course not.

How do you know
he hasn't been waiting too?

Listen, honey,
I've been through all this before.

You know, uh, heh, I lost my man too.

You?

It only happened once.
Got wise to myself after that.

How did I lose him?

We didn't have enough dough
to get married and I wouldn't, well...

I had my pride.
Heh. Heaven knows where I got it.

I liked him a lot better
than I've ever liked anybody since.

One day, my Romeo took
a little walkout on me.

I made a terrible row. Why shouldn't I?

But what I ought not to have done
was to run away...

and leave him in the clutches
of that woman, like a coward.

That's what you are, Mary Haines,
you're a blithering coward.

Why?

Because I wouldn't stay
and be second fiddle?

Because you ran out of the trenches
under fire. You deserted him.

- I deserted him?
- Sure you did.

You think he wants to be
in the grip of that red-headed octopus?

If you'd given him a chance,
he'd have asked you not to get a divorce.

Why, Miriam, he did ask me.

- And you still ran away?
- Yes.

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine.

Listen, honey, don't you know
that we dames have got to be

a lot more to the guy we marry
than a schoolgirl sweetheart?

We got to be a wife.
And a mother, and a pal.

And a nursemaid.

Sometimes, when it comes to the point,
we've even got to be a cutie.

You should have licked that girl
where she licked you, in his arms.

That's where you win in the first round.

And if I know men,
it's still Custer's Last Stand.

Shocked you?

Okay, sister, but my idea of love
is that love isn't ashamed of nothing.

That's easy enough to say, Miriam,
but that girl's in his blood.

I couldn't have stayed under the same roof
with him and faced that.

Why not? Suppose the guy had smallpox.

Would you had liked to have faced that?
But you'd have done it.

This jam that he's in would make a bad
case of smallpox look like a carnival.

While the poor guy's
floundering around helpless...

you remove the one protection he's got,
his legal marriage.

So he's back there stumbling around
in the open, delirious and unprotected...

with a she-wolf in lamb's clothing
right on his heels.

And not one word of comfort out of you.

Because why? Because you're too busy
nursing your two-for-a-nickel pride.

Operator, we completed...
it's New York calling Mrs. Haines?

It's Mr. Haines?

Tell him you'll tear
that divorce decree into

a million pieces and
use it for confetti.

Hello. Hello, Stephen.

Oh, it's so good to hear your voice.

Yes, heh, it went through on schedule
this morning.

But, Stephen, I can still...

But, Stephen...

No.

I haven't seen the papers.
How could I, up here?

Yes.

I'd rather you told me.

Of course.

I understand the position you're in.

I hope you'll both be very happy.

Me? Oh. No, I have no plans.

No plans at all.

Do you mind if I hang up now?

Goodbye, Stephen.

He married her, didn't he?

Yes.

This afternoon.

Gee, sister...

I'm sorry I spoke so rough to you.

It's all right, sister.

It was a nice try.

I don't know what I'm kicking about.
I still have my pride.

Don't cry, honey.

Come on, buck up.

But madame has been soaking one whole hour.

- So what?
- Monsieur thinks that...

I told monsieur the doctor ordered me
to soak in this foam for my nerves.

Well, what do you want?

Monsieur suggests that you join him...

and walk Little Mary
to her mother's apartment.

Holy mackerel, what a cheerful evening.
Oh, I'm so bored.

Monsieur says that it doesn't improve...

madame's nerves
to stay so long in the water.

What'd he mean by that? A crack?

Oh. No, he did not say it that way,
madame.

I thought not.

I've been Mrs. Haines for 18 months now
without a single squawk.

That's some sort of a record
for Park Avenue.

Get out.

Get out! Go on!

Hello, you.

No, I'm in the tub.

Yeah, and I'm shriveled to a peanut
waiting for this call.

And say, listen,
don't call me anymore today.

If there's any calling to be done,
I'll call you. it's safer.

Oh, I know.

When I had this phone put in here,
I thought I'd have a little privacy...

but, phew, the way people barge in and out,
you'd think it was Grand Central Station.

What?

Maybe it's a good thing
you're going to the coast tomorrow.

Well, it's getting to be too risky.

Say, listen.

I've worked too hard to land this meal
ticket to make any false moves now.

Romance?

Listen, peace is a whole lot more to me
than any romance.

They're not going to get me
out on that limb again, ever.

What?

Yes. Sure, I'll miss you, baby.

I'll miss you like nobody's business.

I'll say we had fun.

I'll call you back.

Who told you to come in here?

Daddy. He's going to take me home now,
and I want to say good night.

Don't go, darling.

Um, hand me that sponge there, will you?

- Please?
- Please.

Good night.

You're in a hurry to tell Daddy about it,
aren't you?

- About what?
- My talk on the telephone.

I don't understand
grownups on the telephone.

- They all sound silly. Good night.
- Good night, who?

You've been told to call me Auntie Crystal.

- Won't you do it?
- Yes.

Yes, what?

- Yes, good night.
- You sit down there.

It's hot in here. I've got my coat on.

You heard me, young lady.
I said sit down.

Now, we're going to have this out,
once and for all.

I've done my--! I've done
my best to be friends

with you, but you
refuse to cooperate.

- What?
- Cooperate.

Oh, cooperate.

Now, answer my question.
You don't like me. Why?

- Well, good night, Crystal.
- I said, "Why?"

Listen, Crystal, my mother told me
I wasn't to be rude to you.

Listen, young lady, you're going to give me
one good reason why you don't like me.

I never said I didn't like you.

- But you don't like me, do you?
- No, but I never said so.

I've been very polite,
considering you're something awful.

Just wait till your
father hears about this.

Listen, Daddy doesn't think
you're so wonderful anymore.

- Did he tell you that?
- No. He always pretends you're all right.

You wouldn't know about such things,
but my Daddy is a gentleman.

He never talks against any woman,
not even you.

But we understand, Daddy and I,
without ever saying a word to each other.

I bet you've done plenty
of blabbing to your mother.

No, I haven't. it's my job
to try and make Mother feel cheerful.

Go on, get out of here.
Scram. On your way.

And another thing. I think this bathroom
is perfectly ridiculous.

Good night, Crystal.

Why, you...

Hello.

I told you not to call me back here again.

It's too dangerous.

That little Haines brat was just in here.

You've been drinking. Yes, you have.

You're all lit up or you wouldn't want me
to be taking any chances either.

Yoo-hoo! May I come in?
- Just a minute, Sylvia.

Here comes more trouble.

I'm going to hang up and don't you dare
call me here again. Do you understand?

Come in, dear.

Oh. I was out in the open when you called.

I hope you'll forgive
me for being modest.

You? Modest? Ha.

I'll tell that to my psychoanalyst.
I have to tell him everything.

That must be a great effort.

I don't mind talking about myself.

But discussing my friends
does make me feel disloyal.

Oh, I just saw poor Stephen
leaving with Little Mary.

He looked awfully tired and worn.

Dr. Sylvester says
Stephen has a guilt complex.

A what?

- Want me to scrub your back a bit, dear?
- Yeah.

Dr. Sylvester says-- Here, hold this.

Dr. Sylvester says that men
like Stephen can't admit...

what they feel for a woman is not love.

- You're taking my skin off.
- Sorry.

He says that's why Stephen married you.

To convince himself that
your friendship had

dignity and importance.
isn't that a laugh?

Who are you to laugh?
I've made good with my husband.

That's how you talk
after all I've done for you?

Oh, done what?

You knew no one
when you married Stephen.

- It wasn't easy to put you over.
- And who said you put me over?

I've gotten you into some
of our very best homes.

Yes, for some of their very best insults.

Oh, uh, Sylvia?

- What?
- Who was Mrs. Buck Winston...

before she married Buck Winston?

La Comtesse De Lave. imagine giving up
a title to marry that cowhand.

I laugh every time I think
she got him into radio.

My dear, he's positively
the chambermaid's delight.

Is he?

Mrs. Potter is on the phone
for you, Mrs. Fowler.

I'll take it in here.

Oh. But it's on the other phone, madame.

Other phone?

That charming little instrument
is not an extension?

Oh, Stephen does so much business on
the other phone, I got my own.

I'll bet that Stephen thinks
it's an extension.

Stephen doesn't mooch
around my bathroom.

- That's pretty obvious.
- Go on, answer the telephone.

Tell her I'll call her back.

Why, you sly little fox, you.

This settles a question that's been
on my mind from the beginning.

- What do you mean?
- You put that in here to talk to a man.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- Don't lie to me.

You're not Stephen's type.
I don't know why he picked you up.

I've got to take a shower.
Wait for me in my bedroom.

I used this cream. it brought out a rash.

Don't you dare
touch that telephone.

Give me that phone.

Hello?

What did he say?

Not a thing. Not a single thing.
He was singing.

All right. So what?

Come a ti yi yippee hi yay, darling.

Crystal, how could you?

Buck Winston, the chambermaid's delight.

You haven't got a thing on me,
Sylvia Fowler. Not a single thing.

Do I care? I'm mum as an oyster.
I don't want Stephen to find out.

It would give Mary too much satisfaction.

If you hang on to Stephen,
we'll both be happy.

- Will you shake on that?
- Why not?

- Is the coast clear?
- All clear, Mrs. Morehead.

They're having a very gay dinner party.

I'm still glad I went to the movies.
I'm starving. Those dreadful women.

How my daughter can tolerate them,
I'll never understand.

Mrs. Haines cooked for them in Reno,
the night she got her divorce, so she...

So she feels she has to feed them,
annually.

Did they bring
the same husbands this time?

I guess so. They couldn't all
very well get new ones in two years.

The approach of the innocents.
I leave you my share of them, Jane.

Miriam, how's matrimony?
Still making a go of it?

My reconstruction job
on Howard Fowler would make...

the Boulder Dam look like an egg cup.

Can't we get off to the Casino Roof?
Johnny and I have to be home by 4.

Little Johnny always wakes up.
Oh, he said the cutest thing the other day.

He said, "Dada."

When does he enter college?

- Where's Flora?
- She's at the bar, drinking with the men.

Tell her you want to get going.

What's the hurry? One more drink
and Flora will float up on her own breath.

Do you want to hear something
about Sylvia?

- No.
- No.

Well, she's going to
that new psychoanalyst.

You know, Dr. Sylvester.

- Why, he's a dreadful fake.
- Isn't it a scream? She's mad about him.

Do you know what she pays an hour
just to drool at him?

- One hundred dollars.
- It's worth a million.

You should make up with Sylvia.

She's livid at how
you've high-hatted her since Reno.

I'd rather have her for a friend
than an enemy.

Heh. I wouldn't.

Ah, what a lovely party.

Oh.

Isn't it wonderful to see all our lives
so settled, temporarily?

Do put that poor darling Freddy
out of his misery.

- How, shoot him?
- Marry him, dear. Ha, ha.

- I'll get your wrap. Which one?
- I don't think I'll be going.

Oh, but why?

Mary. You're not cross because my Buck's
had a wee drop too much?

Don't be modest, Flora.
Your ducky is stinko.

Aw, do come, Mary.
This is really our farewell party.

- I'm never coming back to New York.
- What's wrong with New York?

- Can I trust you?
- Probably not, dear. What is it?

Well...

Well, can we keep this
between the five of us?

- Uh, the six of us.
- Shoot, Flora. it's a nationwide hookup.

You remember the way Buck was always
crooning love songs in my ear?

- He doesn't do it anymore.
- Maybe he's saving himself...

for the microphone.

No, he isn't. He stays away
from home most of the time...

and comes back smelling
of some strange perfume.

- Where does he say he's been?
- Visiting his horse.

That's why it's safer
to keep floating around.

- Poor Flora.
- Never mind, dear. Chin up.

That's right, both of them.

Good night.

I went up against a tribe of headhunters
in Africa, so I can take anything.

Good night, precious.

Since you're not going, I can tell you.

You'd have run right smack
into Stephen and Crystal and Sylvia.

- No.
- They're having supper at the Casino Roof.

- You'd have let it happen?
- They've got to meet sometime.

- Why not get it over with?
- You know Mary hates situations.

I'm not so squeamish.

Wait till you see the
cooing fest I put on

over Howard for dear,
darling little Sylvia.

Ha, ha. Good night, Mary darling.

I don't feel very much like going myself.
I hate this dress.

My husband says I look
as though I were going to sing in it.

- Good night.
- My love to little Johnny.

So long, darling.
Shall I spit in Crystal's eye for you?

You're passing up a swell chance, honey.
Where I spit, no grass grows ever.

- What are you doing?
- Fumigating.

Oh, Mother.

How do you stand those dreadful women,
even once a year?

An object lesson.

Would you like me to help you, ma'am?

No, thanks. You go to bed.

- Good night, ma'am.
- Good night.

- Good night, Mrs. Morehead.
- Good night.

- Oh. Good book?
- Oh, I think so.

It seems to be about love.

- Mary, I wish you could find...
- "Some nice man."

Haven't we been
over that enough times, dear?

I had the only one I ever wanted.

If it hadn't been for my pride...

But Stephen is happy, dear.
Why can't you forget him?

Now, Mother.

Cheer up.
Living alone has its compensations.

It's marvelous to be able
to spread out in bed like a swastika.

- Good night, dear.
- Heh. Good night, darling.

And don't read too long.
It'll hurt your eyes.

"But if you would seek
only love's pleasure...

then it is better for you to pass out
of love's domain into the outside world...

where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter.

And weep...

but not all of your tears."

Mother.

- Mary.
- Mother.

What's the matter, darling?

May I crawl in with you tonight?

Yes, but I'm so restless.
I'm apt to keep you awake, honey.

- I don't mind.
- Come on, jump in then.

That's the only good thing about divorce.

You get to sleep with your mother.

- I taste lipstick.
- I haven't washed yet.

Good night, darling.

You know,
you're a very sympathetic mother.

- Am I?
- Yes.

So would you scratch my back?

All right, but go to sleep.

- I can't go to sleep, Mother.
- Yes, you can, if you try. Good night.

No, I can't. I have such a big problem.

Have you?

Which is the most important, Mother,
truth or honor?

They're equally important, darling.
One doesn't exist without the other.

Yes, it does. it does with Daddy.

You see, tonight Daddy told me a lie.

- Oh, I don't think he did.
- Yes, he did.

He did it for an honorable reason,
but he shouldn't lie to me...

even to save her skin.

- To save whose skin?
- Crystal's.

Walking home tonight,
Daddy said he was going up to Canada.

Where you and he had your honeymoon.

So I thought it was about time he stopped
pretending to me that he likes Crystal.

- But he does like her very much, dear.
- That's what he lets on.

If he'd only break down
and say he's going up there...

because he simply can't bear her
another day.

- Why, Mary.
- Mother, he's so miserable.

He sits for hours all alone in his study,
with his head buried in his hands...

while that silly thing plays solitaire
with the radio on.

But, darling, why haven't you told me
about Daddy before?

Because you've cried over him
just about enough.

- Please keep on scratching.
- Sorry.

I told Daddy tonight
I was going to tell you.

And what did he say?

He said not to because
why would you care how he feels.

- Is Crystal happy, do you think?
- I suppose she is.

She's got somebody she talks to
pretty lovey-dovey on the phone.

Don't stop scratching, Mother.

- Do you know who it is?
- No, I don't know.

Guess you'd have to ask Auntie Sylvia.
They're together all the time.

- What are you doing?
- Go to sleep, darling.

- Are you getting dressed?
- Yes.

- You forgot you were invited to a party?
- Ha, ha. Almost.

- Are you ill, dear? You rang.
- I never felt better in my life.

Did you ring? - Yes.

My new evening wrap and a taxi.
Don't stand there. Hurry.

Mary Haines, what is all this?

Ha, ha.
I've had two years to grow claws, Mother.

Jungle red.

My dear, did you see those
quaint types with the Vanderheisens?

Yes. What filthy-looking
outsiders. Who are they?

I wouldn't admit it if I knew, pet.

Really, something ought to be
done to protect New York.

Are you sure Mrs. Fowler
didn't leave the restaurant before I came?

- Oh, I'm sure.
- You know her by sight, don't you?

Oh, sure. She's famous for
the size of her tips.

Not even a thin dime.

But it's getting late.
Maybe she's decided not to come.

Yes, maybe. Thank you.

It's one thing to come out,
but quite another to go under the table.

Don't think I didn't hear that Princeton
boy call me an old drizzle-puss.

Try these smelling salts.

Please come back out.
You've been in here over an hour.

- Have I?
- Are you waiting for someone?

No, I have sort of a headache.

You're not going to get rid of it
in this bad air.

No, perhaps you're right.

- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am.

- Oh, Stephen's in such a mood.
- lx-nay.

- How do you do?
- Oh, how do you do?

Hello, Peggy.

Stephen is going to give me
pearls for my birthday. isn't that sweet?

Oh, you have me to thank for those, dear.
I told him you'd love them.

Thank you, darling.

I beg your pardon.

- Come on.
- I have to fix my makeup.

- Hurry up before they come back.
- Leave me alone, Peggy.

Why, Mary.

So he says, "I got to go home on Sunday."
So I said, "Why do you got to?"

He says, "They always expect me home
on Easter Sunday."

I said, "What do they expect you to do,
lay an egg?"

What are you up to?

Shh.

Did I tell you I'm going to Dr. Sylvester?

My dear, he keeps me for hours
and never sends me a bill.

He tells me the pleasure is all his.

Why, Mary, you've never been
to Dr. Sylvester in your life.

You still here, Mary?

- I've, uh, got stocking trouble.
- Oh.

What a bore.

- How have you been feeling?
- Quite well.

L, uh, just heard you say
you'd been to the doctor.

Oh. Jealous?

Oh, don't be silly.
I'm not interested in Dr. Sylvester.

Shh. Dolly Dupuyster.

Oh, hello, girls. My, but you look lovely.
Got any dirt for the column?

Uh, not a thing, sweet.

No? Get me my coat, Sadie.
I might as well shove off.

- I've never seen such a clean joint.
- Don't be coy.

It's all over town what a fool you're
making of yourself over Dr. Sylvester.

Now, just one minute.
I'd thank you to explain that last crack.

- Girls, Dolly Dupuyster.
- You're paying him $100 an hour...

just to hold your hand.

- Did he tell you that?
- Of course not.

You know he never discusses his patients.

- Mary, you aren't feeling well.
- Yes, I am.

I'm going to get Nancy.

I haven't seen you for two years.
Where do you get your information?

Where do you suppose?

- Where? Where, where?
- Ha, ha. From Crystal.

Why, you...

From Crystal?

Of course. By way of every saleswoman
and manicurist in New York.

She's now telling...

She's now telling that
he had to grow a Vandyke beard...

so you can't see him laughing at you.

The rotten little... I'll slit her throat.

You're the only friend she's got.
Who else can she gossip about?

She's got Buck Winston.
Why can't she tell about him?

Buck Winston.

Why, Mary Haines.
You fished that out of me.

- Good night, girls.
- Dolly, stick around. Ha, ha.

- Something's going to pop.
- Good and dirty?

Go and ask Buck Winston what famous
society matron is crazy about him.

Oh, boy, dirt. Out of my way.

Why, you. I'll shut Buck Winston's trap
if it's the last act of my life.

No, you won't. You're going to stay here.
Stop her, girls.

- Where were you going, my pretty maid?
- Peggy, lock the door.

- Any place we can lock her up?
- In the closet.

- Mary, dear, I'll stay here.
- You bet you will.

You'd better think of your job,
my good woman.

I'm thinking of the tips you never gave me.

- This isn't like you.
- I haven't even started yet.

- Whatever you're up to, I'm for it.
- Go and unlock the door.

- Who locked that door?
- I'm sorry, ma'am. it got stuck.

- Come out, quick. All heck's broken loose.
- Of course it has.

Buck Winston just spilled
the most terrific load of dirt.

Stephen had to knock him cold
to shut his trap.

And the joint's full
of newspaper cameras.

I knew Dolly could do it.

Ha, ha. Go out there and reconnoiter.

Oh, how could Buck have done that to me?

The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Which was which?

Now, Flora, calm down.

Of all five husbands, Buck is the
first one to insult me in public.

Oh, poor Flora.

What did he do?

Do? He confessed an undying love
for little Crystal.

To Dolly Dupuyster, no less.

So that everybody in the place
could hear him.

Oh, the publicity.

- He even spilled dates and addresses.
- Don't worry, I jotted them all down.

He said he'd be a cock-eyed coyote...

before he'd herd an old beef like me
back to the coast.

Aw, Flora.

Get me a bromide. And put some gin in it.

Hey, you. ls Mrs. Fowler in here?

And how.

Open it up, Sadie.

I'll sue, that's what I'll do.
I'll sue everybody in this place.

It's kidnapping, that's what it is.
It's kidnapping.

You've been shooting off
your mouth, you rat.

I didn't say a word. Mary got it out of me.

It wasn't hard to do.

Why, you rotten little...
Just wait till I start talking about you.

You can't say a thing.

And besides, I knew you'd lose
Stephen Haines, you shop girl.

You're trying to break up my marriage,
you cats.

But get this straight.

You can't stampede me by gossip
or the ravings of Buck Winston.

You've got to have evidence.
And Stephen is a gentleman.

He doesn't need that kind of evidence
outside New York.

He's fed up with you.
In your heart, you know it.

Take my advice.
Put your mind on your alimony.

Alimony? With what Stephen has on you,
he won't have to give you a dime.

Is that so?

What if I don't need alimony?
How would you like that?

- You don't?
- What are you going to use instead?

Buck Winston.

The ingrate.

Your cowboy and I get along great,
Countess. Just great.

And the dough he earns on the radio
is more than Stephen will ever dig up.

Ah, Buck and I are tickled to death
to be rid of you.

The ingrate. - Cheer up.

This is a new lesson in amour.

That's right. See to it that your
next husband isn't financially independent.

Buck isn't independent.

Hasn't he a contract with Dandy Gelatine?

No, darling. I am Dandy Gelatine.

Nobody would give Buck a job
on the radio, the old meanies,

so I had to buy out Dandy Gelatine.

- Come a ti yi yippee.
- Come a ti yi yippee yippee yay, Crystal.

You can buy it now, dear,
and give Buck away with every package.

Well, girls, looks like it's back
to the perfume counter for me.

And by the way,
there's a name for you ladies...

but it isn't used in high society,
outside of a kennel.

So long, ladies.

Mary, Stephen is outside.
He's waiting for you.

He wants to know if you'll see him.
Oh, Mary, will you, please?

Will I? You bet I will.

- Mary Haines, haven't you any pride?
- No pride at all.

That's a luxury a woman
in love can't afford.