Original subtitles

I'm on a roll!

This book is gonna be sick.

Stephen King, watch your back.

I cannot believe that you really wrote a book, Hank.

I've never even seen you read a book.

See, this book is like my baby,

'cause it's been gestating in my brain uterus

for, like, ten years.

So, now I'm ready

to squeeze it out and present it to the world.

I call it...

- Shade by Hank Henderson. - Oh.

Ooh. Shade.

I once tried to write a book.

That's the end of the story. I, uh...

I once tried to write a book, and I stopped.

It's really hard.

That was the best blind date I've ever been on,

and I've been on three of 'em.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna head out.

Uh, hey. Uh...

what do you think about grabbing a drink later?

I mean, not that I would drink myself, no.

If I have a little bit of alcohol, oh, look out.

- I have the worst gas. - Yeah, yeah.

You mentioned that... how your large intestine is too small,

- and your small intestine... - Small intestine too large.

Oh, look at us.

We're already finishing each other's...

So, I'm gonna go.

I'll, uh... I'll see you later, Leonard.

- I'll hold you to that. - Ah.

Oh, heck, I just want to hold you.

Oh!

What the hell, Charlie?!

Why'd you set me up with that guy?

All he did was talk about gas.

Well, gas pricing is a fascinating mix of geo...

His gas, Charlie.

Butt gas.

On a date! It's not exactly

- the kind of guy I usually go for. - Oh, no. You're right.

He's a lot better than the guys you usually go for.

What?

You go for losers, Margaret.

Huge losers.

She does.

That food snob Murray was a sociopath,

that colonel picked you up at his wife's funeral,

- and that Karl was the Zodiac Killer. - Yeah.

So that's, uh,

loser, loser...

murderer/loser.

Okay, but those guys were...

I mean, there was also...

Ugh.

Well, it's not like...

Oh, my God, I only date losers.

Does this mean that I've become a loser?

That doesn't feel like a safe question to answer.

How did this happen?

You know, before I moved in here, I crushed ass.

Quality ass.

I dated a Bee Gee.

Well, it's simple.

You're not putting enough effort into it.

You're waiting for guys to approach you.

That's like sitting on the beach

waiting for the fish to wash ashore.

More like pieces of ocean trash.

Yeah, if you want to catch the good fish,

i.e. hot dudes,

you got to go swimming in the ocean, i.e. try.

Well, I guess maybe I could up my game a little bit.

I could still date a hot guy.

- Gene in the house! - Gene!

I'm gonna date him.

Gene?!

Margaret,

we said go fishing in the ocean.

We didn't say go harpoon a white whale with your bare hands.

I could date Gene. I just, uh...

I just need to pull out all the stops.

Watch out, boys.

I'm jumping in the ocean.

So, Hank, tell me all about your book.

And speak real slow, 'cause

the last book I finished was written by Reese Witherspoon.

First of all, we all know

vampires are sexy as hell, right?

Yeah.

And who is the sexiest vampire of all time?

Brad Pitt, Interview with the Vampire.

Wrong.

Tom Cruise, Interview with the Vampire.

No.

Antonio Banderas, Interview with the...

Stop guessing Interview with the Vampire!

Now, the sexiest vampire

of all time is obviously Wesley Snipes in Blade.

And what is the one complaint everybody has about that movie?

Never saw it.

Not enough sex.

You can't walk down the street without somebody saying,

"You know the problem with that movie Blade is?

Ain't got enough sex scenes."

Well...

problem solved.

I present to you...

Shade.

Oh.

Now, be careful. That's my baby, now.

Don't forget to support his head.

All right, let's get started.

Read it out loud so I know which parts get to you the most.

"Shade strutted into the sexy-ass club

"and was all like,

'What's up, y'all? Who wants to get freaky?'"

Ah!

- That's just the first sentence! - Let's see.

We're gonna need more water up in here!

"Shade pulled a photo of his father,

"who was dead,

"out of his pocket, and whispered,

'Fangs for nothing.'"

Wow! Hank, I love it.

It's the best thing I ever created,

and that's including my kids.

Now, did you notice that

Shade's minivan was really a metaphor for society?

Oh, big time.

Especially when I saw this post-it

says "Van equals society."

Well, now all I got to do is get it published.

You know, I've been calling every Stephen King in the book,

but I ain't got the right one yet.

I know someone in the Tucson publishing world.

My second cousin is in the biz.

Ooh.

I'm gonna need a minute.

What's wrong, Hank?

Oh, geez.

I can't believe how rich I'm gonna be!

All right.

Wow, you are crazy tall today.

Most old ladies shrink,

but you're just getting bigger and bigger.

Yeah. These are my, uh...

- my A-game heels. - Oh.

My tall boys.

Had to retire these in the '90s

'cause my calves were getting too muscular.

Ah, hey, I still got it.

What are you doing?

Well, this is my go-to move.

I make eye contact with a guy, and I hold it,

and just when it starts to get weird,

I break into a million-dollar smile.

It works every time.

- Look, watch this. - Okay.

Whoa.

Ah...

Evening, Gene.

Don't forget to call your pocket...

Margaret, are you okay?

Okay. Just, uh, living the dream.

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

Okay, just... get yourself up

and out of here

with your dignity intact.

Ah.

Eh...

Ooh, okay.

Please don't be watching me.

Okay, that's settled.

I'm officially a loser.

Ahooga!

Wow. Look at you.

Don't mind me. I'm just rolling my tongue back in my mouth.

Thanks.

Hey, would you make me the happiest man on Earth

and let me buy you a drink?

Oh, Leonard...

- you can buy me ten. - Oh.

Ugh.

Oh!

Ah.

Good morning, beautiful.

Sorry.

My small intestine is up to no good.

Boy, you must have shimmied something askew last night.

- Leonard, last night was a mis... - Was amazing. I know.

You were insatiable, my lady.

No, it was a mistake.

I was feeling very vulnerable and shaky,

both physically and emotionally, and I...

Do you think we can get another candle going in here?

Leonard?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

I was thinking about last night.

I still can't believe it happened.

Me, either, but it did,

so I'm gonna have to live with that.

Well, sister, let me tell you.

You're gonna be living with this guy for a long time.

Ooh, ooh. B-R-B.

I got to get out of here.

Oh!

You two bitches are going straight to Goodwill.

Well, uh, you read my book,

so I stand here before you exposed,

much like Shade when he traded in his fangs

for the love of his life, Serena Williams.

Well, listen, here's the deal.

This book is super weird,

and it was hard to follow with all the post-its falling out.

And, uh, men's erotic fiction

is a genre that doesn't really exist.

But...?

But I have to admit... I loved it.

- Oh! - Hot damn! It turned you on, didn't it?

I mean, yeah.

This is for all the fellas

who just want to sit by the fire with a good book

and work up a chubby.

Oh, I did just have one tiny note.

Instead of a minivan,

I think Shade should drive a motorcycle.

Oh, no.

So... you want to get rid of the minivan?

Okay, then. All right. Okay.

I just have, uh, one question.

Did you not notice that the minivan represents society?!

Uh...

I did not notice that at all.

Did that post-it fall out?

What kind of publisher are you, man?

This is my masterpiece, and you don't give a master notes.

You don't go to-to Michelangelo

and say, "Oh, excuse me. I got one note.

Don't be a Ninja Turtle."

Come on, Sid.

We're up out of here.

Charlie,

you're not gonna believe what I did last night.

You slept with Leonard.

What? How did you know?

He texted me right after it happened.

He said you kept the boots on.

There she is.

Miss High Heels, USA.

Great, so you did see it.

Oh, of course I saw it. I've been telling everybody about it.

That part where you pretended that you couldn't walk,

it was hilarious.

It was?

- Oh, yes. - Well, yeah, of course it was.

I mean, my, uh, my comedy's kind of cerebral,

but I'm-I'm glad you got the joke.

I don't think he did.

It wasn't a joke.

Shut up, Charlie.

So I was just wondering if maybe you'd like

to have a drink with me tonight.

Uh-uh. Sorry, pal, she's taken.

She literally just banged...

Shut up, Charlie!

I got a date with Gene.

I am back, baby.

I'm back, baby.

I just did our grocery shopping.

I couldn't figure out what peanut butter to get,

so I bought every one.

I got crunchy, I got smooth,

and I even got the one with the peanut butter

and the jelly all swirled together,

much like our limbs were last night.

Charlie, thanks again for setting me up with Margaret.

It's the best deal I ever made.

Deal?

What deal is he talking about?

I just, uh...

You know, uh...

I can't come up with a lie, so here goes.

I owed him 50 bucks,

and he said he would let it slide

if I set the two of you up on a date.

You sold me?

Well, yeah.

You know how sometimes friends sell friends?

Unbelievable.

You set me up with that clinger,

so you better just make him go away.

And I don't care what you say, you just do it.

I cannot believe you sold me.

For 50 bucks?

Well, at least I-I sold you for something.

You've been just giving it away for free.

I have compromised

my whole life; I'm not gonna compromise on this.

Looks like my baby is just gonna have to wind up

- in the drawer forever. - Oh, oh, oh.

Hank. You seem sadder than Shade

when he found out he'd never see Serena Williams play tennis,

because tennis happens in the sunlight.

I'm exactly that sad, Sid.

Oh. Well, screw it.

We don't need a publisher.

We will take it straight to the people.

You said Shade needs to be experienced, right?

Well, let's give the people an experience

they will never forget.

And that's when I started saying "Gene in the house."

And I mean, it just took off.

Oh, I wish I had an entrance line like that.

Sometimes I say "Margaret in the Target,"

but that only works when I'm at Target.

- You are kickass. - Oh.

I'm-I'm gonna get us another drink.

"Margaret in the Target."

There you are.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Leonard, what are you doing here?

Charlie told me why we can't date.

Well, whatever he said is true. So, bye.

No. I am not going anywhere.

And I'm telling you, I am still going to make love to you,

even though, as we speak, you are being consumed by an STD.

Look, this is all a huge mistake.

I do not have an STD.

- She does. - No, I don't.

W-Who is this guy?

Leonard Bartholomew Goin.

It's like "groin" without the "R."

Why not say "it's like coin with a 'G'?"

Wow. Where were you 60 years ago?

Okay, Leonard, so you need to get "Goin."

That's the disease talking, baby.

We can work through this.

There is no "we."

We slept together one time.

We are not "we."

I do not want to be with you, Leonard.

- And I'm on a date. - Oh?

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Look, I should probably go.

No, no, no. Don't go. I don't have an STD.

Oh, please, I don't care about that.

I've had everything.

Were you gonna tell me?

My issue...

is that you slept with Leonard.

Now, I knew you were not up to my level,

but I thought you were at least one level down.

So... we done.

Wait a minute. What about how funny I am?

Hey, you want to see me eat a dollar?

Gene out.

I'm, uh, sorry I gave you an STD.

Oh, Charlie. Lower your voice.

You'll bounce back.

You're funny as hell,

and you give the best advice,

and that look you give men...

Whoa.

I couldn't get to sleep last night.

Yep.

I know this may feel like a low point,

but, uh, it's not.

Oh, thanks, Charlie.

So, uh, what is this?

What am I watching?

Uh, Hank is going to be doing a reading

from his erotic vampire novel.

Oh, so this is the low point.

Yeah, I'm needed backstage.

Hank has me running special effects.

Oh.

Whoa.

Sorry, I-I didn't realize you were sitting here.

- I could go somewhere else. - N-No, wait.

Leonard, it's okay. Sit down.

Come on. Don't leave because of me.

And I'm sorry I lashed out at you.

I-It's not your fault. I know I can come on a little strong.

Probably need to up my game a little.

Your game is just fine.

It'll be perfect for the right person.

Advice I should probably take myself.

My point is, don't change who you are.

I hear you loud and clear.

Leonard!

Oh, my God!

"It was dark and hot

"as Shade made his way through the city.

"So dark, so hot.

"Shade and his orc sidekick were covered in demon blood.

"But Shade didn't care.

"He didn't give a hoot,

"'cause he knew who was waiting for him

"when he gets back home: Serena Williams.

"Oh, yeah.

The city's about to get even hotter tonight."

They're loving your baby.

I'm gonna be so friggin' rich!

That's pretty good.