Original subtitles

Don't get discouraged. You've been trying awfully hard.

One of these fine days you're gonna get it.

Max, can't you see it in the headlines now?

"Artie Pinsetter, scientific genius,

"discovers the power from Dinosaur Canyon."

You know, Max, everybody, they're all laughing at us now,

but they also laughed at Einstein and his theory of relativity.

Now everybody's got relatives.

They also laughed at Marconi.

The same people are sending telegrams.

And how about Benjamin Franklin?

They told him to go fly a kite, and he flied it.

What did he get?

Electricity.

One, two, three, and a half.

Excuse me, Max.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, we've worked together for a long time,

but there's still a lot of work to do.

There's no time for play.

We gotta work, work, work.

Now you stay out of this, Corporal.

All right, Max, get ready.

Now tell me the theory for changing time curves

in relation to space orbits.

Hmm?

You don't know?

Shame on you.

After all I've taught you from the time

we started with one and one makes two,

and C-A-T spells cat.

I'm sorry, Max, but that's a tough one.

But we'll get it. We'll go out to Dinosaur Canyon again today.

Oh-oh.

You need some new tubes.

Oh, Max, I better get going.

The people at Candy Rock, they're depending on me

to clean this town up.

Come on, Corporal. Get in the truck.

Attaboy!

Corporal, it's my turn to drive today.

Now move over. Come on.

Isn't it exciting, Steve?

-Hi, Carol. -Well, hi, Artie.

What are they doing in the bank? Giving away free samples?

No. Mr. Rossiter is going to be on Bill Burton's TV show.

They're in there rehearsing.

All right, now, Mr. Rossiter,

just saunter over to the teller's window and say what we discussed.

Uh, don't you announce me first?

All right.

Presenting the Bill Burton Show

and so forth and so forth, from Candy Rock.

The only one-man town left and so forth.

And that one man is Mr. Raven Rossiter.

And that's your cue.

My friends, Uncle Raven they call me in these parts.

Now this is my bank, but I don't call it my bank

because I say it belongs to all of my friends in Candy Rock.

And I intend to run the office of Governor of this great state

just the way I run this bank, with a heart.

And if elected, I assure you...

Uh, no, no, please, Mr. Rossiter. Uh, no politics.

My running for Governor isn't politics. It's a public service.

Your opponent doesn't think so.

You give yourself a plug on my show, he'll want equal time.

Now see here, I don't see...

I agree with you, Bill.

It's about time I called you Bill, eh?

And you call me Uncle Raven just like everybody else does, eh?

Isn't that right, Tommy, my boy?

-Yes. Yes, sir. -Yeah.

-Uncle Raven, sir? -Yes, son?

Is it all right if I take Emmy Lou

to the campaign dance tomorrow night?

Listen, errand boy,

you keep your hands on the money and off my niece, or I'll...

You let Uncle Raven think about it, eh?

Pinsetter, the bank is closed for the day.

Even if I came here to make a payment on my truck?

Well, shucks, boy.

You know Uncle Raven is always ready to do a favor for a man.

Now, you know our policy.

Yeah, like give and take.

Yeah. Just make your payment.

I said "if I came to make a payment on my truck."

Which I can't make.

Would you mind extending me a little...

Credit? To Pinsetter the rubbish collector?

Mr. Pinsetter.

We wanted an ordinary man to talk about Mr. Rossiter.

An ordinary man's viewpoint.

Now we haven't been able to find anybody

who can put into words what they actually feel.

Now tell me, sir.

How do you feel about Mr. Rossiter?

I can't stand compliments.

You get on about your rubbish, Pinsetter.

Come on, Corporal.

Uh, this Pinsetter...

Uh, well, let's get on with the rest of the rehearsal, shall we?

Now I go out the front door.

See, I've been studying the script.

How's the business?

Fine.

How's the family? Good to see you.

Oh, I tell you, Billy, I don't want to sound like I'm boasting,

but my being on your show is going to give it a lift. A real lift.

Pinsetter, you idiot, get me down!

I'm sorry, Uncle Raven.

Oh, I'll skin you alive. You...

Oh, I have to have a sense of humor, you know.

I told you to get going.

Now get!

Hmm.

Now, Mr. Rossiter, we'll walk down the street.

Uh, dolly with us, boys.

Let's go, Mr. Rossiter.

Hello, Jackie.

On your way, boy, on your way.

Just trying to be friendly.

Well, don't try.

Uh-huh.

Hiya, you all. You surely do sell nice cars

at your automobile agency, Uncle Raven.

Is this your niece?

No, it is not my niece. It's Jackie Delaney.

And did you use your usual powers of persuasion

to get the salesman to let you take this car out?

I'm good advertising, he said.

But you're not advertising the car.

You take it right back.

Oh.

Is there any business in this town you don't own?

Well, only Artie Pinsetter's rubbish business.

But then, I'm a builder, Mr. Burton.

I'm only interested in what people buy,

not what they throw away.

And this next song is dedicated to Emmy Lou Rossiter

with love from anonymous.

Hi, anonymous.

Hiya, Paul.

What'll it be today?

Well, I'd like to get a receiver selsyn and a transmitter selsyn

and two 171 GL twos.

Make him pay cash.

Artie Pinsetter.

What are you doing with all these radio parts you've been buying?

I don't know. It's a habit.

Uh, some people smoke. I buy radio tubes.

-That's ridiculous, boy. -Yeah.

How much money has he spent on parts in this last year?

$980, Mr. Rossiter, and he still owes us $9.12.

Mmm-hmm.

You see, my TV set keeps breaking, and I can't afford a new one.

And I put so much money into parts

that I can't afford a real repairman.

So, I keep buying parts and they keep burning out, sir.

Uncle Raven, can't I have these on credit?

Credit?

Oh, well, answer one question about my niece, my boy.

Only one.

Then maybe we can make some credit arrangement.

Excuse us, please.

Oh, excuse us, please.

You have been sneaking Emmy Lou out on dates, haven't you?

Uh, well, I...

I don't know how you got her out,

but you're the only one who did.

And I'll break you, boy! Break you! No more radio tubes.

Foreclose on your truck. It's for your own good.

You can't afford a wife!

You're right, sir. So right, sir.

I can't afford a truck and radio tubes and a wife, sir.

Not this day and age. One of them has got to go.

And furthermore...

Mr. Rossiter, you like little people, don't you?

Well, of course.

Yes, after all, any man running for Governor...

Well, I'm little people.

So you are. Insignificant.

Yeah. Insignificant. I mean, after all, I'm plain.

I'm ordinary, common.

Yeah, a nobody.

Yeah, I'm a nobody.

But the kind of a nobody that would vote for you for Governor.

Artie, get on about your job.

All right.

Oh, give this boy what he wants.

Huh? Oh-oh, thanks.

Here you are, Artie.

-Thanks, Paul. -Thanks, Uncle Raven. Thank you.

Ah, yes indeed, the little man.

I know the kind of show you do.

That's why I'm right for it.

A little man, such as myself,

challenging the inhuman, unfeeling machine of state politics.

Oh, glory to the little man!

Like Artie Pinsetter?

Too little.

Well, let's get on with it, huh?

We have a nice rehearsal, I think, lined up.

And all the going to the bank was a very good idea,

because it shows the local activities.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Here he comes, Emmy Lou.

Now you know your uncle doesn't want you talking to him.

Oh, Auntie May. If he'd only realize that Artie is

more than a rubbish collector.

He's a world famous...

A world famous scientist who isn't famous yet.

Well, he is a scientist.

It's just that he's kind of two people.

A split personality.

I wish you'd tell Uncle Raven what I said.

Once I told your uncle what you said

and he said Artie Pinsetter doesn't have enough

personality to split in two.

Some day.

Some day you'll be married to a good and important man, your Uncle Raven says.

Some day... Some day I'm going to break loose

and go crazy, insane, out of my mind, some day.

Honey, he runs my life, too.

Now, now try to understand.

He may seem gruff and bossy,

but deep inside there's another Uncle Raven

who's sweet and warm and lovable.

Maybe you should have married that one.

Mrs. Rossiter!

Hello, Arthur.

Hello, Mrs. Rossiter. Uh, can I see her for a minute?

It's not because I don't like you, Arthur.

I know.

He's the one that's keeping her from me.

Not you.

You know, all of us would be nicer to each of us

if it wasn't for one of us.

Oh, Artie, be careful.

Don't knock over those jars of jelly.

I won't. I'm in enough jam already.

Well, keep out of that, too.

Oh, that boy.

Help yourself to anything you want, Artie.

Anything, Mrs. Rossiter?

And this is home.

It was my grandfather's, my father's and now mine.

-Isn't everything? -What?

Isn't everything?

Oh. Oh. I see what...

Yeah. Well, I lead a very quiet life with my darling niece,

and my wife and, uh, these trees.

You know, folks around here said they couldn't be raised,

but I fooled them.

-I... -Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry, Mr. Rossiter.

What were you doing inside the house?

I was taking a full barrel out and left you an empty one.

Well, I don't like it.

Oh. All right.

The next time I'll take an empty one and leave you a full barrel.

What I mean is, from now on

the rubbish will be left outside for you.

Easier on you, my boy.

All right, Mr. Rossiter.

Yeah. I'll do that.

-All right, careful of the lawn. -I'm sorry.

And watch the tree.

Now look what you've done!

You bumped into the tree with that...

Tough on the outside, heart of gold.

-Him? -No, me.

Well, uh, let's go and meet my wife and niece.

They're lovely ladies.

Oh, marry me today, Artie.

Oh, honey, you know I want to very much,

but what are we going to live on?

We'd run away.

Run away? The only thing I own is this truck.

Which your uncle owns.

You're not afraid of him, are you?

How about that bank manager?

Did he have courage enough to take you out?

No, you did, Artie.

And how about the school teacher with all his education?

Did he ever take you out?

No, you did, Artie.

Just me. Artie Pinsetter.

A nobody.

You're everybody to me, Artie.

But I'm nobody to the Boosters Club.

Do you know they turned me down again?

All those businessmen are members,

and I'm the only one that owns my own business,

even though your uncle does own my truck.

Well, don't worry about the Boosters,

and don't work on that now, Artie.

Now, honey, if that canyon starts cooking, I gotta be ready for it.

Let's just be together for once.

We are together. You and me.

And that thing.

Thing?

This maximum evaluator is going to make us rich

when I can put the secret energy into it.

You've got all the secret energy.

Well, you see, the hydrogen molecules

are forced between tungsten electrodes,

in this case important symbols.

Symbols, sweet.

And if my estimate of the temperature is accurate, the melting point...

Melting point...

is equally divided between hydrogen and helium,

and the explosions...

Explosions.

lead to a limitless amount of...

of atomic power from the middle of the Earth

which comes to the surface and changes structures

that come in contact with it.

And when Max and I get that, I'll be an important man.

Artie, all you have to do to be an important man

is to walk into any company and tell them what you know.

The only thing I know is what I read about science.

It's like there's a camera in my head that photographs

any scientific thing I read.

Well, tell them.

Tell them straight out like you tell me.

Oh, you're the only one I can talk to.

I clam up inside when I see that they're laughing at me.

But, Artie, how long can I wait till we get married?

I'll explode!

Oh. Oh.

Then, uh, I better get to work.

I want you to marry me now, Artie.

I don't care what everybody else thinks.

I do.

Oh, Artie.

If you'd only say that in front of a preacher.

To work. To work. No play, to work.

In a minute.

Oh, and stop talking to that silly machine.

It's not silly.

Work, work. No marriage.

Work, work now. Marriage later.

Marriage much later. Maybe never.

-You... -No marriage.

-You monster! -No marriage.

-No marriage. -I hate you.

-No marriage. -You taught it to say that!

No marriage.

-No marriage. -Emmy Lou. Don't go in there!

-No marriage. -Emmy Lou!

-Don't go in there! -No marriage.

No marriage. No marriage.

No marriage. No marriage.

No marriage. No marriage.

Emmy Lou. I'm sorry. Don't go in there!

Emmy Lou! Don't go in there!

Help! Help!

Artie, something awful is happening to me.

Stay away! Stay away.

Max! Max! You gotta help me. We got to save Emmy Lou.

Oh, come on, Max, you're my pal.

-Artie! -Come on.

Artie, what's happened?

Look at me! No! No, don't!

Artie, I'm so big!

Well, stop staring and get me something to wear.

All right, all right. I'll get you something to wear.

Anything to cover me. I'm hideous.

You're magnificent, and you're mine, all mine!

Artie Pinsetter, don't you dare tell anybody

about what's happened to me.

I won't, honey.

Max, how do I change her back?

E equals mc2.

I know. I know. Now look. This is a crisis.

Tell me, you dope! What can I do to change her back?

One and one are two. Two and two are four.

Oh, that stupid machine. I told you it was a waste!

Honey, don't blame Max.

I'm his teacher. He's like me.

If you yell at him he gets stupid.

One plus one is three.

Artie, do something, anything. Save me!

Maybe I'll never stop growing.

Now be calm.

Now, sit down somewhere, and I'll be right back.

Corporal! Oh, Corporal! Where's that dog? Corporal!

Corporal, what I want you to do is watch Emmy Lou.

You watch her.

And, Max, I want you to think. Think!

One and one is four.

Huh! He's thinking, Emmy Lou. Think!

Figure it would give kind of a homey touch...

Yes, that's fine.

I'll try to get everything in.

That's fine. I'll be watching on that side.

All right, we'll rehearse it.

Quiet, please!

Take it, Mr. Rossiter.

Uncle Raven.

-Seen my glasses, May? -No.

-Mr. Rossiter... -All right.

You're hurting.

How did you get her out? Where is she?

I'll drive you out of town, every town, every place.

-Emmy Lou is big. -Big?

Real big. And she's expecting...

Expecting? Emmy Lou?

You're lying! It never showed!

It couldn't. It just happened.

If this gets out before the election and my TV show...

Magruder! Oh.

Emmy Lou. Mmm-hmm.

With you of all people. You tell anybody and I'll murder you.

Magruder! Oh.

Yes, Mr. Rossiter.

I lost my glasses.

Oh. Come with me.

All right, Magruder,

you're a justice of the peace. I want you to marry that,

whatever it is, to my niece immediately.

And don't you dare let this leak out.

Got it?

All right, Magruder has his orders.

He'll look after my interests.

And if Burton wasn't in town, I'd tear you apart.

Now get out!

And no sign of you until day after tomorrow.

No. I gotta have some money. I got to buy her some things.

Oh. Yeah.

-Blackmail, too, eh? -Hmm.

All right, Magruder, now remember, you are a witness.

See?

-There. Now. -Thank you.

Take him out.

Artie!

Artie! Artie!

Emmy Lou! Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

Artie!

Mr. Magruder, this way.

Oh, there you are.

Did you get me something to wear?

Yeah, did I.

Here's a needle and thread.

And I got...

Wait till you see this. You're gonna like this.

Scissors to make a dress.

You said you weren't going to tell anybody about me.

What's Mr. Magruder doing there?

I'm here to marry you two.

-Marry us? -Yes.

Marry us?

You mean Uncle Raven gave his approval?

His approval? It was an order.

An order? I don't take orders from anybody.

If I want to get married, I'll get married

and nobody's going to tell me when to get married.

Emmy Lou, will you marry me?

Yes, Artie.

That's what I've been saying all along.

But... But do you want to marry me as I am?

Any way you are, honey.

You'll always be my little Emmy Lou.

Artie.

I should have a wedding dress.

You have.

You have.

A parachute?

Yeah, honey. It's pure white silk,

and it'll make a beautiful wedding dress.

Are you ready, Mr. Magruder?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Do you take this woman, uh...

Over here, Mr. Magruder.

I can't see to read the ceremony without my glasses.

Oh. Don't need it.

Just a minute. Turn it around.

I know it. I know it.

Now, do you take this woman, Artie Pinsetter, to be your...

I do.

And do you, Emmy Lou, take this man to be your...

I do.

And, now the ring.

-Oh, the ring. -Uh, the ring.

We...

The ring.

Oh!

Quiet, Max.

Aren't you the best man?

And the best man always gives the ring.

I'll have it made smaller for you, honey.

Okay, Mr. Magruder.

Then I pronounce you man and wife.

Uh, do I get a kiss, Mrs. Pinsetter?

Help! Help! Point me towards town!

Here.

Mr. Magruder's afraid of me. Am I so terrible?

You're my wife. You're beautiful.

I love you.

Artie.

Yes?

Do you still love me?

Oh, yes.

A lot?

From the tip of your toes

to the top of your head.

Sweetheart,

goodnight.

Darling,

goodnight.

Good morning, darling.

Good morning, sweetheart.

I was fixing you a nice little big breakfast.

No! I'm your bride and I'm going to cook for my husband.

How do you want your eggs? Fried or scrambled?

Any way that you want to fix them.

Let me help.

No.

You think I don't know how to fry an egg?

Oh!

I can't do anything right.

Now everything's ruined.

The coffee spilled and the eggs all broken.

Oh, don't cry, honey.

We're just like every honeymoon couple that ever got married.

But I'm not like everybody else.

Even when I was little I couldn't do anything right,

because they never let me.

Yes, Uncle Raven. No, Uncle Raven.

I didn't touch your trees, Uncle Raven.

I'm hungry.

Oh, whenever I get upset, I get so hungry!

I'm starving.

Yeah.

I want jelly donuts, French fries and milkshakes.

Lots of them.

I need them! I want them!

Now! Uncle Raven's got to feed me now!

Uncle Raven won't feed anybody.

He's got to, or I'm going to walk into town and I'm

going to get them myself.

I'll take care of you, dear. I'll be back, dear.

Don't go away.

That's it!

Mr. Bates.

Well, Pinsetter.

It won't do you any good to apply for the Boosters again.

I'm not here for that.

Well, maybe you've come to apply for relief.

Yes, sir. How many you got there?

-One. -Oh, I'm going to need a couple of hundred.

A couple of hundred?

Oh, my wife, she eats more than the average wife.

-Your wife? -Yes.

You claim a wife on your application and that's perjury!

Oh, Mr. Bates, Emmy Lou, she's so hungry.

Raven Rossiter's Emmy Lou?

Yes, sir. Yes.

Well, this is a matter for Raven, not the Welfare Director.

I... Come on, boy. Get out of here, son.

I'm going to get me more applications for...

Ah, good, good. Yeah, yeah.

Ah, good.

Not a word of that girl in the newspapers anywhere.

Yo, ho, ho and an empty bottle

Yo, ho, ho

Go and shut Magruder up!

Go down in the cellar and give him another bottle of wine.

Well, he's had a dozen bottles since yesterday.

Fine. I want him so plastered

he'll have to join AA one A at a time.

I want him happy and unconscious

until Burton leaves after the television program.

Is that all you can think of?

Your program and your election?

No. I think of my treacherous niece

sneaking off with that no-good idiot

and getting herself bigger.

Yo, ho, ho and an empty bottle

Shut up, Magruder!

That's not Magruder. That's the back door.

-Emmy Lou... -She's your problem now.

All yours.

-I don't have... -Your wife. Out.

Just a minute.

She was your niece before she was my wife.

Go away before I throw you out.

Oh, Mr. Rossiter...

You gotta let me in before you can throw me out.

Oh, you!

I thought I told you to keep...

What do you want?

Well, he says he's married to your niece

and he's applied for county relief to feed her.

Well, that's what relief is for.

To feed the wives of men who can't support them.

But he's got enough blanks to feed a giant.

Who told you?

Who told me what?

That Emmy Lou is 30 feet tall?

He's insane.

Of course, he's insane.

It's a figment of his idiotic imagination.

Well, if you don't feed my idiotic imagination

she's going to come into town and take what she wants.

Yo, ho, ho and an empty bottle

Did you lie to me? You told me she was that way.

Oh, Uncle Rossiter! Not that way. This way.

And I thought Magruder was drunk.

Pinsetter, are you telling me the truth?

Oh! What will this do to my election?

Nothing. Unless the voters think

that Emmy Lou came from Mars, uh, Uncle Raven, sir.

-What? -What?

Everyone knows very well where she came from.

Well, before she was 30 feet tall, they knew.

And maybe we all know. Who'll believe us?

Well, I am not from Mars!

Ah, sure, Uncle Raven.

And you can prove it to the voters,

even if you have a niece who is 30 feet tall.

Well, this isn't just my problem.

If she comes to town, I'll be ruined, Brother Bates.

And if I am ruined, I'll ruin every Brother Booster in town.

You call a secret meeting of the Boosters immediately.

Oh.

Oh, May, it's good to have you standing by me.

Oh, you!

Better not take any, Joe.

There are 200 dozen donuts here. They're gonna miss one?

Raven's gonna count them?

You don't know Raven Rossiter.

Remember when those cigarettes came out with 20.000 filter traps?

Mmm-hmm. Raven counted them.

I've been in the meat business for 20 years,

but this is the first time I've ever had to make a 90 pound hot dog.

What are you complaining about?

I had to get the bun.

So when he called up and said he wanted 60 gallons

of chocolate milkshake,

it didn't bother me at all.

But I got a little nervous when he said,

"Make sure you put in a straw five foot long."

Say, if she's 30 feet tall,

her head must be six feet long.

Then she would...

Wow!

Take the detour, please.

War games. This is a restricted area.

Thank you, Mr. Bates, and Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Adams.

You're welcome, Emmy Lou.

Okay. Anytime.

Emmy Lou?

Yes, dear?

Uncle Raven gave us a house for a wedding present.

Gave us? Where?

The old barn.

You know, 10 miles on the other side of town.

A barn!

How could he do that?

Well, I won't go. We'll live at your place, Artie.

Are you laughing at me, Mr. Bates?

No, ma'am. No, Emmy Lou. No, I never laugh. Never.

Don't believe in laughter.

Now, it's not our doing.

We just want you to go out to that trailer truck

so we can take you over to the barn.

Uh, I mean, the honeymoon cottage.

A trailer truck.

I will not be made a fool of!

Like moving an elephant!

Like I was a hippopotamus in a circus!

I won't be made a laughing stock.

But your uncle said you've got to do it.

He said, "Tell that girl, or else!"

Or else what?

Well, "or else."

Now, everybody knows what Raven Rossiter's "or else" means.

Well, what about my feelings? What about me?

Why always him? Why? Why? Why?

Emmy Lou, uh, we'll have to be realistic.

Do it for me.

I mean, I can't afford to build the kind of house that we'd need.

Sergeant! Get that lead driver back here.

Sarge!

You wouldn't believe it.

You wouldn't believe it if I told you.

Oh, Lord, get me there by sundown,

and please don't let the Pentagon find out about this.

Yucca, Yucca, from Blue Army Command.

We are delayed due to complete mechanical failure.

Cannot join Division as planned.

Delay advance.

Artie.

She's all set.

Are you all right, Emmy Lou?

Hmm, it's a little warm, but I'm okay.

Corporal, get into the truck.

Are you all right, Emmy?

Hmm, I'm all right.

Come here, Corporal.

Corporal, I thought I told you to get into the truck.

Now that was me talking.

That was me talking.

Now, listen, Corporal. Now you listen to me. You keep your mouth shut.

Now, come on, Max. Now we got to get into the car.

Come on, Corporal.

Come on, Corporal.

Goodbye, Mr. Bates, and thanks.

Uh, goodbye, Pinsetter.

I hope you'll both be very happy.

And may all your troubles be big ones.

It isn't much, but it's home.

It isn't exactly what I dreamed

the first day of married life would be like.

Oh, honey, tears in the morning and laughter in the evening.

I cried last night, and I cried this morning,

and I'm gonna cry now.

What does my little bride want?

What can I do?

I want a shower. I always feel better after a shower.

A shower?

Shower.

Oh, boy.

Reconnaissance to convoy. Recon to convoy.

You seem to have lost contact with your two wing divisions, sir.

Shall I lead you through a short cut?

Carry on, Rainbow.

Off road, across field...

You like it, Emmy Lou?

Artie!

Artie! I think I'm growing again.

Oh, no! No!

Don't grow!

Don't grow!

Don't grow!

Raincon to Blubow.

Uh, Blubow Blubow to Rainbow.

Uh, lead car, left, uh, left.

Giants! Giants!

Giants?

Uh, no, no, no. Right, right, right.

Left... Right, uh, left.

Over and under and out.

Over and out. Out.

Yucca Yucca from Commander Convoy Blue.

Convoy Blue unable to make maneuvers.

Advise Pentagon cancel war games. Over and out.

Out, out, out.

Quiet, gentlemen. Quiet, please.

We have Yucca Yucca, sir.

They're still trying to reach Convoy Blue. Wait.

Stand by, sir.

We're through, sir, to Convoy Blue Command.

Hello, Convoy Command. Lovely day, isn't it?

Sun shining, birds singing.

Too nice out to play nasty old war games, isn't it?

What happened?

Sergeant, tell 'em what happened.

Yes, sir.

Sir, it was like this, see...

I was coming around a curve and there it was up on top of the ridge.

There it was, that monster.

I've never seen anything like this in my life.

It was a monster. Easily 40 or 50. I just... It was the biggest...

You never saw, 120 feet and two inches.

The whole thing was way up in the sky,

and it was... I don't know, if it was a girl.

It looked like a little girl,

but if it was, it was a pretty...

But I got so scared I was panicky. I didn't know what to do.

And this monster was tremendous.

I jammed the brakes of the car and all of the cars rolled into it.

It was the most tremendous I've ever seen.

And all of a sudden, as I put my brakes on,

I don't remember anything much except the monster disappeared.

That's right, sir. Incredible as it seems.

Our Recon pilot disappeared as he kept saying, "Giant, giant!"

Oh, this is a strange country out here, sir.

If anything, the Sergeant was being conservative about the monster's size.

Hmm.

Can't rule out invasion from space.

All right, all orders top secret.

Desert area within a 100 mile radius of Candy Rock on attack alert.

Do not alarm civilian population. Panic must be averted.

Mission, be on lookout for monster in human form.

Order to attack, open fire at sight.

Well, now that you've met them all, Mr. Burton,

we can conclude the interview with our Boosters.

Benevolent, philanthropic, charity for all, kindnesses for many.

Uh, of which I am President.

And founder.

-Yes and founder. -Yes.

Now, surely, you can use all of them...

Business. I got to talk business.

as a kind of a windup of the civic...

I got to talk business.

Uncle Raven, I got to talk business. Come on, quick, please.

This is business. Big business.

And it's getting bigger all the time.

Go away.

You'll never recognize her. She's growing so big.

"Grown," not "growing."

Growing and you may never see her again.

And when I say you may never see her again, I mean she's gone!

Clear out! Way out!

Idiot. Nobody grows over 30 feet tall!

Nobody except my wife, your niece.

She made 30, was trying for 40.

By this time she may be hitting 50.

I don't believe you.

Oh, I never should have watered her.

You're lying, aren't you?

I wish I was.

Then you're insane!

I wish I was.

I'll go get her and you can see for yourself.

No! No! Keep her there.

Do anything to keep her there.

'Cause if you don't, you know what I'll do?

I'll...

I'll make you a Booster!

Me?

A Booster?

Uncle Raven!

I'm going to be a Booster, Mr. Burton.

It's nothing, Pinsetter.

Nothing?

Oh, boy, wait till Emmy Lou hears this.

A Booster! A Booster! Yes. Come on.

Boost, Boost, Boosters!

Who's a Candy Rock Booster?

We're the Boost, Boost, Boosters!

Good.

And so is Artie Pinsetter!

Initiate him now!

Why does this man run in and out?

And why do you look so worried every time he does?

Me, worried? Never? I said now!

Boost, Boost, Booster!

That's me. That's me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Put him down. I want to talk to him.

Not now. I'm gonna be initiated.

And every little Booster needs a big boost in life.

And what better going away present than the one I've got.

Going away? I just got here. Where am I going?

Outside. Outside.

Booster! Booster!

I've got something for you, my boy.

My new car, which is my wedding gift

to the newest Booster in Candy Rock.

Mr. Pinsetter!

Mr. Pinsetter, I'd like to ask you some questions.

I come from poor but humble parents.

I am the son of a nobody, a long line of nobodys.

Except today I am somebody.

You're so right. Take it away.

-For me? -For you.

Thank you, Uncle Raven.

Oh, boy. Oh.

Now, just step on the gas and bon voyage!

Oh. So long, Brother Boosters!

Bye-bye.

Great Booster. Ha-ha! That boy's going places.

He's gone.

What? Oh, yes. Well, now to more important matters.

We'll be on the air before you know it.

I want to be sure that I have all my lines.

Artie! Artie, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Artie!

What's the matter with you?

What are you doing with Uncle Raven's car?

Uncle Raven gave me the car. It's mine. I was made a Booster.

Oh, come on, honey. Let me drive it.

-Come on, come on. -Please, Jackie, I'm in a hurry.

Oh, so am I.

Now, come on, get out of my car.

No. I want to drive it.

No, I gotta drive. Come on.

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Oh, did you hurt yourself?

No! Now get out of the car.

Where can I drive you?

To the old barn.

-The old barn? -What did I say?

Oh, Artie, you little devil, you.

Jackie.

Little ol' me isn't too much woman for little ol' you, is she?

Lady,

if you were triplets,

you wouldn't know what too much woman is for little ol' me.

Oh!

Artie!

Now, come on, you got to go home. Go home.

But, honey, we just got here.

Oh, please, will you go.

Oh, Artie.

Jackie! You keep away from my husband!

You stay away from me, Artie Pinsetter.

Artie Pinsetter, how dare you bring that woman

right into your own home and make love to her!

Ah, honey, let me explain.

Uncle Raven gave us this car for a wedding present,

and, honey, he made me a Booster.

See?

I see a lot of things.

Here we've been married less than one day

and you're already chasing out after other women.

No. No, honey. I wasn't chasing her.

She was chasing me.

Well, you didn't run very fast or very far.

Be a Booster, big shot.

You're just like all the rest of 'em.

Ride around in a convertible!

Shh, honey. Don't talk so loud.

They'll hear your voice in town.

I will not hold my voice down.

I kept my voice down too long.

Yes, sir, Uncle Raven, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

Well, people will...

People in town will get frightened, honey.

People in town! Ha!

I don't care that much about people in town.

And I'll bet Uncle Raven doesn't want Mr. Burton

to find out about me, either.

'Cause if he does, there'll be no program on TV.

No Governor's mansion for Uncle Raven.

Now you listen to me.

I am your husband and I want you to listen to me,

'cause it's for your own good.

For my own good.

I know what's for my own good,

and I don't need any unfaithful husband to tell me.

From now on it's goodbye Emmy Lou and hello me.

I'm me! And I'm a lot of woman.

Hello, Candy Rock! Hello, Mr. Burton!

Emmy Lou! Emmy Lou!

Max the Machine, myself,

and Dinosaur Springs are your only hope!

Stay here!

Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

You'll be sorry. You'll be sorry.

Emmy Lou, she's a giant!

She tried to kill me!

Oh, Emmy Lou wouldn't do that.

Where's Mr. Bill Burton?

Is Mr. Burton down there in that little pack of little men?

Does he want to put me on his TV show?

I'd be the biggest guest he ever had.

Now you listen to me, Emmy Lou.

Cool off, Uncle Raven.

Times have changed.

How dare you speak to me that way! I said...

And I said cool off!

Oh! Emmy Lou, you big, big...

Call the Army!

Rossiter's out! That girl's our show!

I'm going home!

Auntie May!

Halt.

Flying saucers!

Flying... This is it! Look.

Auntie May!

Auntie May!

Oh, my baby, my sweet baby. How you've grown.

They're after me, Auntie May. They think I'm a monster.

Monster. Why, who does?

Now don't you sass me, girl.

Big or little I'm still your uncle,

and what I say goes now and forever.

Stop ordering me!

I can't stand orders anymore.

And get your big, clumsy hands off of my tree!

Down with your trees!

Everybody for themselves!

Get her before she gets us!

Look out for the trees!

Run for your life, Emmy! Run!

Look at... Look at my trees. My poor trees.

I've been trying to raise those for months.

I don't know what I'll do without trees.

Even if she begs me,

I won't go back.

No, I won't.

I won't go back.

Yes, I will.

Max, you got to help me.

Two and two are eight.

You don't have any feelings.

You don't know what it is to be in love.

Two and two are six.

There it is.

Give me the phone.

Target sighted. Target sighted.

Prepare for firing.

Notify the Pentagon and please spell my name right.

G-R-I-F-F-I-N.

And give me Oxford 29310.

Hello, Mom. Maybe I'll be back...

Oh, Max, come on, we're brothers.

We're closer than brothers.

You gotta help me.

Two and two are four!

You're getting there.

Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

Artie, darling.

Artie.

What happened in town?

Never mind. You don't have to tell me.

I don't want to know.

You were right, Artie. I should have listened to you.

Then from now on you take orders from me, you understand?

Me, your husband! I'm the boss!

Yes, dear.

But save me, Artie.

I'll save you.

You'll become smaller because structures of cells enlarged

are capable of...

Your uncle must have changed his mind about our wedding.

It's the Army, Artie!

The Army?

What have they got against marriage?

It's not that.

They must think I'm a monster from another planet!

It's war!

Artie, we'll be killed.

Got to stop 'em.

Another guided missile!

Max, I really need you now.

Look!

A misguided missile.

Oh, Max! You're really working now.

Only a Martian can do that!

-A Martian? -A Martian?

Attaboy, Max. You're getting your power back.

My husband.

Love me? We haven't even met yet!

Sir, maybe that's the way they surrender on Mars.

Well, we can't afford to take any chances.

Give me the field phone. Fire another missile!

Oh, they'll hear from me at Cape Canaveral!

The enemy is better at scientific warfare,

but we've still got guts!

Charge!

It's too quiet. You take a look.

They're charging with guns in their hands.

With guns in their hands.

This is your hour.

Utilize the time curve principle.

Inherent translucence of cell structures.

Individual gravitational magnetic fields.

Two way radio controls and the antennas...

Antennas!

Emmy Lou, give me your wedding ring.

My wedding ring?

Never!

Now, look.

Don't argue with me. I mean, I'm gonna save your life.

I'm in charge. Max needs his antenna.

Now, now give me your ring.

I'll talk to them. They might listen to me.

What I want you to do is stay hidden in case they don't.

Now stay quiet. I'll be back.

All right, men, all right, this is it.

She's got giant insects watching us. It's from outer space.

Prepare to fire bazooka!

Get trajectory!

Ready on the rocket!

Fire!

Reload.

I can explain everything.

Fire.

Listen, Emmy Lou and me, or I... Uh...

We love you.

Listen. We would like to surrender politely.

I think they want to give up, sir.

Now how would that look in the papers?

"General Griffin accepts surrender from a mosquito."

Keep firing.

Fire!

We would...

Charge!

Artie to Max. Artie to Max.

What's wrong, Shorty?

Get their bazookas away!

Operate on a time curve dimension. Fourth dimension.

Past or future?

Past! No bazookas!

The past.

Halt.

Men, for the honor of the Confederacy, advance, you all!

No, no, no, Max! Don't let 'em draw their sabers.

Somebody'll get hurt. Go back in time. Go back!

Halt.

Max! Max!

Listen, men, I say, let's have a go at him.

Carry on, chaps.

Oh, Max!

Max, what's the matter with you? No weapons at all.

Oh.

No weapons at all.

Max, you've thrown me a time curve.

You're getting mixed up.

Will you... Would...

No, no, Max... Take me back to the present.

To present! We've got to take to the air.

Three, two, one...

Max!

Max! You're going too high.

Straighten me out! Straighten me out!

Max, you're coming down too fast!

Max! The earth is coming closer!

Hey, take me to your leader.

Fire!

Ow!

Max, will you tell these guys they got their limit.

Attaboy, Max. You got plenty of power now.

You almost killed me, Max.

You almost killed me. Me, Max.

Never. We've got the power, Max.

We're a success.

Artie, are you all right?

Emmy Lou, everything's going to be all right.

Everything. Come on now, Max.

Come on. Use that power on Emmy Lou.

Come on, think.

Artie!

Artie, something's happening!

It's working.

Emmy Lou, wait for me.

Emmy Lou!

Hold it, men.

We've got him boxed in that canyon.

General, sir, as long as we've seen the missile,

it's a human missile, a monster.

What do you want to chase him for?

Let the reformers go back. It's silly.

We've seen him. We don't have to go back again.

Charge!

Charge. Oh, boy, charge. I'm charging.

Emmy!

Emmy!

Help! I'm shrinking. I'm...

Emmy! Emmy! Emmy!

Emmy! Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

No! No! No!

Emmy, where are you?

Emmy Lou. Ooh!

Incredible.

Emmy, I don't want to hurt you, sweetheart.

Emmy, say something. Please, Emmy.

Martian, you're under arrest!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, you speak our language!

Of course. I'm an American.

Where's the giant girl?

The giant girl?

Yes, the giant girl.

The 40-foot high giant girl from Mars.

Are you kidding?

I most certainly am not. I saw her.

I saw her with my own two eyes.

I'm Artie Pinsetter, the rubbish collector.

Nah, but there was a giant girl.

Uh, from Mars?

You're lying to me!

Oh, no.

I mean... I mean, after all, where would a giant girl

40-feet tall be?

Where would I hide her?

No, but you... She was... Us.

General...

What am I going to tell the Pentagon?

I don't know.

I won't tell them anything.

I'll just send my uniform back in the morning.

-Here. -Oh!

-Where is she? -I want her on my show.

My niece. Kidnapper, where's my niece?

If you're referring to my wife, it's none of your business.

I'll take away the car! I'll throw you out of the Boosters.

Who cares? Who cares?

What you think about me isn't important.

I'm not what anybody thinks about me.

I'm only what I think about myself.

You're Artie Pinsetter, the rubbish collector.

I am Mr. Pinsetter, scientist!

We would... Excuse me.

Max and I, we have the right and the power

to change time and space.

Nonsense!

That's impossible!

But true.

That machine goes right to the Pentagon.

And you go right on my television show.

We're on in a half hour.

Uh, what about me?

You'll be on because Artie Pinsetter knows you.

Come along now.

I can't. Unfinished business.

You run along and I'll make it.

Right, men. The machine.

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Okay.

My boy.

Mr. Burton! Mr. Burton, wait for me.

Emmy Lou? Emmy Lou, I'm free.

Emmy Lou, I'm free. I can talk science.

I can talk science to anybody.

Oh, Emmy. Where are you, Emmy?

I don't want you to smother, Emmy.

If Max was only here.

Max is here.

Artie, I'm growing again!

Emmy! Emmy Lou! Emmy Lou!

Emmy! Emmy!

Emmy, stop growing.

I have stopped growing, Artie. I'm immune.

Thanks to Max the Machine.

I heard what you told Uncle Raven.

My husband's a genius.

You're still my husband, aren't you?

I'll always be.

Honey, from now on,

all our big problems are behind us.

Corporal!