Original subtitles

*THE GRAND TOUR* Season 03 Episode 11 Episode Title: "Sea to Unsalty Sea"

- Thank you so much.

They're a rowdy bunch.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to what is a Grand Tour mini-special.

It's all based around here

in this rather troubled part of the world.

You've got Syria and Iraq and Iran, sort of at the bottom.

And then at the top you've got Russia.

But in-between you have this sliver of peace and prosperity.

And that got us thinking.

You see, if you live on the shores of the Black Sea

and you're partial to a bit of fish, you're fine.

But... What if you like bream?

You see, bream likes fresh water.

And the Black Sea is salty.

The nearest fresh water is all the way over here in the Caspian.

And that is a thousand kilometres away.

Yeah, so we were wondering, if you have to drive all that way for your supper,

what would be the best car?

Obviously, you'd need some sort of GT, but which one?

The new Aston Martin DBS? The new Bentley Continental GT?

Or the newerer BMW 8 Series?

Now this is exactly the sort of question this show was designed to answer.

So, this week, we took The Grand Tour to Batumi,

in the former Soviet State of Georgia.

The meeting point was on the shores of the Black Sea,

and naturally enough James May was the last to arrive.

In the new BMW 8 Series.

God, it doesn't look anything like as good in the flesh as it did in the pictures.

It is disappointing in the metal. I'm afraid that's the case.

- And brown! - What?

- Brown! - It's sunburst orange.

- Mate, that's a brown car. - Sunburst orange.

- It's brown! - Orange!

- It looks very like a Toyota. - It doesn't.

Is it on delivery wheels - are they specially for delivering it?

- What are you talking about? - Those little wheels

they can move it around on.

That's what I mean. They're not big enough, are they?

- Can you have a 22-inch wheel? - No.

- Why not? - Why would you want a 22-inch wheel?

- It would spoil the ride. - It would fill the arches.

- Yeah. - Ooh, ooh, ooh!

And I suspect... criminal offence.

- What? - Anyone who puts an M badge

on a BMW that isn't an M BMW has to go to prison.

So this is one of those M cars that isn't an M car.

- They've done that before. - No, it's not the M8.

- Why does it say M8 on it? - Because it's the M Sport, in effect.

So M Sport just means

- not an M, doesn't it? - Yeah.

But it's in-between the M and the normal cars.

That's why you have M Sport 5 Series, for example.

This is like Elton John's Greatest Hits

without Your Song or Tiny Dancer on it.

James, I don't want to be childish about this now...

- Do you not? But you're going to. - I hate your gear lever.

- I love it. - Look at it!

I think that's fantastic.

And the rest... it's a horrible gear lever

in a boring interior.

That's contemporary and tasteful.

Let's look at yours. What have you got?

You've got the new Bentley

that's the same as the old Bentley.

Apart from being a completely new car.

- Yeah, but it looks the same. - It doesn't look the same.

It's complete... different front end. Different size.

- No, it looks like an Aventador. - Different back.

- No. - It's a completely new car.

This monochrome Union Jack applied by Germans?

Yes?

There is some German involved.

- Chassis? German. - Yeah.

- Engine? German? - Yeah.

Oh, no, the Germans have done all the tech and engineering.

That'll... No, wait, it will be brilliant.

What?

It's a bit... I use the word advisedly - it's a bit camp.

- It's not camp! - It is.

- What's camp about that? - It's all pleated and

leathery and... Urgh!

It does give good occasion, that.

That is a special event.

Does Liberace pop up out of the centre console

and play the piano for you?

You see, the reason I'm not having a go at your interior

is my Aston has been delivered with Birmingham spec.

- That's horrible! - Ooh, that's quite vivid, isn't it?

I mean, worryingly for you, I quite like that interior.

You like that? Exactly.

So this is...it's a DB11.

Well, no. It's the DBS.

- Superleggera. - Because it's very light, isn't it?

- Is it? - That's what superleggera means, yeah?

It's 72 kilograms lighter than a DB11.

And no more expensive.

- It's a bit more expensive. - How much more expensive?

- It's £67,000 more... - Yes.

-...than the DB11. - How much is it?

A lot.

Is it something like a quarter of a million pounds?

- No! - What is it, then?

- A little bit less. -230?

- A bit less. -225?

- Yes. - Mine's £100,000.

It's contemporary and it's modern.

It's no good saying, "It looks Japanese" as if that's a slur.

- The Japanese advanced the car massively. - No, no, that just means...

Eventually, we decided to stop arguing

and drive from here on the Black Sea

right through Georgia and Azerbaijan

to the Caspian for a nice piece of grilled bream.

Funny thing is, I've no idea what to expect on this journey.

I mean, I've seen the Grand Prix from Azerbaijan

and I've seen Borat.

Hmm... Which is it?

I don't know what the roads are gonna be like.

I mean, should we be doing this in pick-up trucks?

Or tanks?

I mean, this is the former Soviet Union.

It doesn't look it, but it is.

Whatever. The roads at this point were fine.

So, we could get to know our cars.

The question I really want to answer on this journey is this:

How can the DBS be worth £67,000 more than the DB11

when, from where I'm sitting...

they appear to be exactly the same.

At first, you're forced to say, "Well, it isn't."

This interior simply isn't good enough

in a £225,000 car.

Just not even close.

You look at the Bentley and you go, "That is an interior."

It's chintzy, but it's...

fabulous.

However, as we left the city,

the DBS's true colours started to shine through.

This is by far the most powerful car here, and the lightest.

And the most sort of aggressive.

And yet it just glides along, in GT mode,

which I'm in now - Grand Touring mode.

It's like a hovercraft.

Whooosh!

I'm driving a twin-turbo-charged VI2.

I can go 211mph.

And I can whisper at 70.

But when you shift from GT mode to Sport mode,

it's a very different animal.

Ready?

Jesus Christ. Whoo!

Right, there's a small difference there

between the DB11 and... and this.

I'm afraid you're going to have to face facts, both of you.

You're in wheelbarrows and I'm in a spaceship.

Ahh.

An old man imagining he's James Bond.

The thing is, if we're going to talk about long-legged,

luxurious, continent-crossing GT cars

we're talking about Bentleys.

They're the definitive GTs.

Whisper-quiet, velvety-smooth,

a hint of massive power waiting.

626 horsepower under my right foot.

Ooh-hoo, my word.

Ha-ha!

But the GT car, first and foremost,

has got to be a nice place to be.

Because, by definition, you're going to spend a lot of time in it.

And this is a fine place to be.

This finish on the centre console - this metal here -

is aluminium that's been milled in the same way

that they mill aluminium inserts in the back of expensive watches.

If I press this button here I can rotate between my different screens.

Oh, analogue dials and clocks!

In the centre of the dash, thank you.

The problem for me with the Bentley and the Aston

is that they're actually a bit too hung-up on being British.

It is a bit of a British disease. We can't shake it off.

We're obsessed with phoney heritage

and the meaning of tradition.

It's all just nonsense, really.

Actually, if you want to talk about heritage and traditions

then the BMW has the strongest.

It's still made in Munich by the same company.

They make their own bits.

And some of those bits are very good.

It has a 4.4-litre twin-turbo-charged V8,

developing 523 horsepower.

It also has four-wheel drive, rear-wheel steering,

and adaptive anti-roll bars.

It has an eight-speed gear box.

It's not twin clutch, but it is flappy paddle, and it is very sharp.

There we go - drop it down to three.

This is a proper car.

Not tinsel!

After James had finished his interesting lecture

on what's wrong with Britain,

May started to think about buying some fruit.

Anybody need a lemon?

Er... No, I'm all right, thanks.

I don't want... Oh, hang on, they've all had the same idea here, look.

Lemons on the right.

There can't be another lemon stall.

Seriously... It is - it's more lemons.

Why doesn't someone go, "Right, everyone is selling lemons on this piece of road,

we're gonna sell furniture."

Also, as a general rule, you don't need many lemons,

whatever you're making.

We must have driven past, what, 10,000?

There's some more here on the right.

Well, that's one evening with Richard Hammond's gin and tonic intake.

Just trying out the voice activation system.

Always worth a laugh.

"Enter country."

Please say the name of the country.

- Georgia. - Malta. Accepted.

- I don't want to go to Malta. - Would you like to enter a destination?

- No. - Please say the name of the country.

Georgia.

Please say the name of the desired country.

Georgia.

Please say the name of a country.

For example, England.

Georgia.

Please say the name of the desired country.

Say the name of the country as one word.

For example, France.

Yes. Georgia.

Cancel.

Even though our cars didn't recognise Georgia as a country,

we soon arrived in the town of Gori.

The birthplace of Joseph Stalin.

Look at that - is that a Stalin museum?

Can we just have a look?

Yeah, we can have a look.

Trouble is, when you tend to go into a building owned by Stalin

you rarely come out again.

In the museum grounds we found the house

where the Soviet dictator grew up.

So Stalin sat at that table in the morning, when he was a little boy.

- Yes. - And said, "One day when I grow up

I want to be the nastiest piece of work

the world has ever seen."

And the parents would have said,

"There's a little boy in Austria

and he wants to be the nastiest piece of work.

But we think, son, you can be an even nastier piece of work." And then he was.

"You can be whatever you wanna be, son."

"If you wanna be the biggest bastard the world has ever seen."

- Bastard is a good word. - And his mum said to him,

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to follow your father and be a shoemaker?"

"No. I want to murder 20,000,000 people."

He was actually sitting right here in his little shorts and his little moustache.

That is really weird, though,

isn't it, to think what started in here.

I've broken Stalin's house.

-- Jeez, I'm going to the Gulag.

James!

"I've broken Stalin's house!"

Outside, we checked out the statue of Stalin.

Which that night caused a debate between...

well, two of us.

The man who beat Hitler is from your town,

so obviously, as they have done, you put up a statue to him.

But then it turns out

that he's an even bigger mass murderer,

so do you take it down?

Eee, it's tricky, that one. It's very tricky.

Can we talk about our cars?

No.

I'm not interested in the war.

Well, it's more than the war, Hammond.

This is the sort of pivotal bit of 20th-century history.

It affected the whole world.

- Right. Well, I'm off to bed. - What?

- I'm off to bed. - Going to bed?

I'm going to bed. See you in the morning.

We must have bored him, cos he's left some of his gin and tonic.

After some more considered debate

about the town's Stalin's problems,

I had a brainwave.

I tell you what, that statue...

maybe we could take it down for them.

- Make up their minds for them. - Exactly.

- Do you know... - Cos they're...

This whole town, big dilemma.

Do you know what it's like? It's like someone who has

an old piece of furniture that they don't really like,

but they can't throw it away because it was their grandma's.

But we'll go and throw it away for them.

And then they're actually glad.

Cos there's no question they shouldn't have a statue...

Course you shouldn't.

I mean, I can't remember the town in Austria,

not Germany, where Hitler was born.

But I bet they haven't got a statue to him...

And so, that night, when the town's people were fast asleep...

Kill the lights.

Hang on. Where is it? Where's...

No, I meant...

- I may have overdone that bit. - I meant turn them off.

Can you put the ladder... Put the ladder... No.

- You go up the ladder. - I know. Put it on the back.

That is his back.

Right. Right.

Open it.

Come on.

The next morning as we were saddling up,

Richard Hammond had a question.

Why have you put Nigel Mansell's head on my bonnet?

I thought you'd like it. You know.

British racing driver, British car,

I thought it would be appropriate.

It's a bold statement, isn't it?

You've got a famous Brummie in the car,

and on the front of the car.

Nigel Mansell must have been a big name around here.

A lot of people looking at him.

Was Nigel Mansell popular here?

Yes. Global superstar, mate.

Global superstar. They love him.

- Why? Are people pointing? - Yeah.

They must have been into racing or something.

Did Nigel ever race a Bentley?

No, mostly Williams is what he's famous for.

Oh, yeah, that might be what's confusing people.

That's why they look puzzled.

I'd quite like to be Richard Hammond.

Life is so much simpler.

Our next destination was a racetrack 70 miles away.

And because James and I had racist satnavs...

we were taking guidance from the man up front.

Which was a mistake.

Hammond, we've definitely been round here before.

If you wanted me to be in charge of navigation,

you shouldn't have glued Nigel Mansell's head to my bonnet.

I'm trying.

Eventually, Hammond managed to stumble across the highway leading out of town.

But things didn't really get any better.

Why are we going so slowly? I'm being overtaken by trucks.

Well, Nigel Mansell's head gets in the way of road signs

and I have to crane round him to see them.

And I don't want to miss them.

There's a sign there to Tehran, which is in Iran.

We're not going to Iran.

Well, I don't know. I can't see the bloody signs, because of Nigel.

Now I've been overtaken by an orange van.

Everybody filming us. This is embarrassing.

We're going to be all over the news.

Hammond's gonna read it and say, "That wasn't Nigel Mansell, you bastards."

It was somebody called Josephine Stalin.

Eventually, I found what I reckoned was our turn-off.

- It's down here. - No, it's not down here.

We'll go down this bit and then there'll be a bigger road again

and we'll be there.

And that is exactly what didn't happen.

Aaargh! Hammond!

Ooh, I've just grounded out!

Yeah, that happens a lot on main roads.

The DBS is actually five millimetres lower

than the DB11 which, of course, is marvellous on a road like this.

Aaargh!

Still...at least things soon got worse.

That man is armed.

Another man with a machine gun.

OK. A lot of people with machine guns.

A local then explained to me exactly where we were.

It's the border that isn't a border.

You look on here, right?

- We're here. - Yeah.

Yeah? That is the border

between Georgia...and Russia

as recognised by... most people in the world.

But the Russians reckon... it's here.

So, well, what they do,

is they put this barbed-wire fence up...

At night they move it.

Right.

- The Russians move it? - The Russians move it.

So you go to bed at night, you're living in Georgia,

you wake up in the morning - you're Russian.

But people live here.

And this is a rural spot in the middle of nowhere.

What if somebody did this in Ross-on-Wye where I live?

Yeah, what if you suddenly woke up and the Welsh suddenly decided...

It's about the same sort of distance. "Right, you're in Wales."

We then met an actual casualty of this border dispute.

Sir, are you Georgian?

TRANSLATOR SPEAKS GEORGIAN...

THEY SPEAK GEORGIAN...

Can you come across here, though?

TRANSLATOR SPEAKS GEORGIAN...

Are there Russian soldiers over there?

Sadly, because we're The Grand Tour and not the United Nations...

all we could do was remove Nigel Mansell's head,

sack Hammond as navigator...

and resume our search for the racetrack.

And once we found the right road

James started to attract some special friends.

In their BMWs.

Holy moly!

Have you seen what's sticking out of the bonnet of that thing?

He's an emeritus professor at Tbilisi University.

He studies Latin and Ancient Greek.

That's how he gets to work in the morning.

Oh, James, there's another one.

Oh, this one's even better.

I've never felt more like a gooseberry, Hammond.

I know what you mean.

And we're spoiling the moment for him.

Oh, this is great!

Ha-ha-ha! Ah, they're everywhere.

Having parted company with James's fan club,

we eventually arrived at the racetrack.

Built in the days of communism...

it hosted some terrible and boring races,

until the Soviet Union and it fell apart.

A few years ago, though,

it was brought back to life.

Now, what you've gotta remember:

715 horsepower is...

a huge amount.

That is a cathedral of power!

119, 122, 129,

136!

God, that is so quick.

And the best thing is, it's old school.

All of that power goes to the rear wheels.

There's no... four-wheel drive.

There's no four-wheel steering.

There's no fancy trickery.

Oh, look at this.

Drifting with the traction control on.

Yessss!

We like this.

And with the traction control off...

I liked it even more.

Look at that. Hah, ha-ha!

The DB11 was the first Aston I've ever driven that felt good...on a track.

And this is the second.

Jesus, what a car!

Uh, Richard Hammond driving around in Chatsworth House here.

This engine - this twin-turbo, six-litre W12

is actually the all-new engine out of the Bentayga,

but set up specially for this car.

Putting out 626 brake horsepower.

And it's mounted further back in the car than before.

And the front wheels are further forwards.

Which gets it closer to 50-50 weight distribution.

And there's the keyword: weight.

There's a lot of it.

Two and a quarter tons of it.

So for it to stand a chance of doing anything sporty,

it's all about controlling that weight.

To do that Bentley has equipped the Continental

with an arsenal of high-tech weapons.

Torque vectoring, four-wheel drive,

superfast adaptive suspension.

And active diffs.

All of which means this big old Hector

can, to use appropriate Bentley parlance,

pick up its skirts and run.

Ooh, lovely.

The guy who designs the traction control for this car

is apparently a drifting champion.

And you can tell.

He's built a Bentley for himself.

I swear...

Ha-ha-ha!

It's... It's indecent asking it to do that.

Meanwhile, in the BMW,

I too had been leaning on the electronics.

Previously on the road I had this set up

in my version of Sport, which you can program.

And I had the steering on comfort, and the ride on comfort.

But now... I have it in Sport Plus.

I have the least power - 523.

I have the lowest power to weight ratio.

Look, it's a meaty engine with lots of low-down grunt.

I can dig deep.

Combine that with the four-wheel drive

and the four-wheel steering,

and the 8 Series is exactly what you'd expect.

It's easy. It's a BMW. It feels like a BMW.

It's so easy, in fact,

that while going past the pits,

I noticed something.

There's a bloke with a stopwatch there.

Does that mean they're actually taking times? I presume it does.

They were. So, all of us

decided to concentrate on some hot laps.

Bouncing over the kerbs there.

Unleashing it - and bam!

More speed.

Come on. Come on, turn. Grip. Grip, grip, grip, grip.

The brakes, the turning...

the acceleration...

all absolutely...

brilliant.

What happens here?

Stay wide, dab of brakes...

now bean it.

Is this the fast one or the slow one?

God, it can pick up. It just charges.

0-60 in 3.4 seconds,

which is... absolutely mind-boggling

in a car this big.

Send it in.

-- Oh, collecting a bit of kerb.

These brakes are gonna get hot.

These are the largest steel brakes on any production car,

but I'm still asking a lot of them.

Eventually we pitted to see how we'd done.

- No surprises here. - Go on.

- Aston was the fastest. - Oh, God.

- No, but obviously by an enormous margin. - Fair enough.

- Yes. - Two minutes, yes?

- Two minutes dead, pretty much. - Faster by two minutes?

No, no. Two minutes.

Here's the interesting one, though.

The former President of Georgia

when this track was reopened,

a few years ago - he set a time.

- Did he? - Yeah. In a Formula 3 car.

Two minutes five dead.

That's the President of Georgia.

- So, James May. - Yes?

Were you faster or slower, do you think,

than the President of Georgia?

Do I have to be the President of Georgia if I...

No. I'm gonna say I was slower.

- You're absolutely right. - But... -

Here's something interesting.

You were only point-eight of a second slower

than the President of Georgia and he was in a Formula 3 car.

Do you think you were faster than the President of Georgia?

I'll be honest, I'd very, very much like to have been.

- James May, you did 2:05.8. - Yes.

- Richard Hammond. - Yes? -Two minutes...

Yes?

Four...point eight.

- So you're only a second quicker. - Ohh.

That's the closest you two have

- Yeah, that is. - ever been. Oh, hang on.

A text. Oh, God. Mr Wilman.

How does he know when we're all sitting...

It's uncanny.

- Go on, then. - Right.

I've seen how fast you can go in your cars on a flying lap.

- Yes. - Now we shall see

how fast you can go when you're bursting for a pee.

- What? - Really?

Right, each of you will drink three pints of water,

wait 20 minutes

and then see how much your times improve.

Soon, we were ready to begin the test.

Right, so we drink these, and then when we've drunk all three,

-start the timer? - Yeah.

- That's disgusting. - Mm.

It's just revolting, this stuff.

Women drink this, you know, for fun.

- Couldn't we have done it with wine? - Shut up.

Oh, God.

- Have you finished? - I'm going.

How have you done that?

Why are you so far ahead of me?

The thing is, this is quite an interesting test,

because when I drive normally, I drive on the motorway at 70mph.

- Of course you do. - When I need a pee, I'll do 180.

- This test is unfair. - Why is it?

Well, my capacity is smaller than you two.

Er...

Plus, it's got to go less distance to my stomach, then less distance to my bladder,

and then less distance to my chap.

- But... - What? -We're older.

- Yes. - And you have wooden bladders.

When you get older... Younger viewers may be interested in this.

It comes on more suddenly, doesn't it?

I can do the nights still. I don't need to get up in the night.

Mind you, that's prostrate cancer, isn't it?

- Is it? - Yeah, it is. It's a sign.

You know with prostrate cancer, they tell you

you've got to put your finger in your back bottom and have a rummage about.

Now, never having done that, I don't know what it should feel like normally.

- So I don't know... - No, it's the doctor.

That's why you get the doctor to do it.

- No, it says check yourself. - You don't back on to your own digit.

- It's... That's what it says. - It isn't.

Posters say, "Check your anus."

I've never seen a poster that says, shove your finger up your arse. I just...

Well, I've never understood it cos it does say in the adverts,

check yourself, prostrate cancer.

No, you check yourself for testicular cancer, you spanner.

You rummage your nuts about to make sure there's no...

- That you can do, yes. - That's correct.

No, that's what you tell your wife.

Mercifully, my 20-minute wait was soon over.

Four, three, two.

- One. --Goodbye.

Ooh, no, that hurts.

- Three, two, one. - - I'm out of here. Good luck.

Ooh, it is starting. And running's unwise.

I don't need a wazz. I don't need a wazz.

Oh, God, it's... it's interfering.

Aah... aah...

Come on. Come on!

I'm not thinking about it.

I'm just not thinking about it.

Need a wee. Braking, braking hard.

Oh, it's worse going through the corners because it all sloshes to one side.

Oh, God.

If Williams had given their drivers

three pints of water before every race last year,

they'd have won everything.

Oh, God, I'm living in my bladder.

Don't relax!

I'm never gonna make it.

That'll do. That'll do.

Just...

Can't run.

It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen.

What? Who's in there?

- James. - Bugger off, I'm having a wazz.

- Hurry up. - I'm having a wazz.

Just hurry up! I'm going to go in a minute.

Oh, he's...

Right, that's it. Let me in.

Oh, God, there's more!

Oh, God.

It's just awful. When you...

Listen, mate, James is in there and I'm first.

You ain't getting in ahead of me.

- It's fine. Just relax. - There's no way.

It is awful, though, when you get to the door,

your body's saying, yes, time to go.

- But then you can't. - Stop talking.

Why aren't you bothered anyway?

Well, I solved the problem, second corner.

- Oh, yeah. - So...

- James... - I'm having a wazz.

Yes, I know. I've got the times. It's quite interesting.

You were a second slower on that lap.

I'm desperate for a slash.

Do you think you were faster or slower?

I don't care.

- Richard Hammond... - J...

your original lap, two minutes four point eight.

- Your new lap... - Stop talking.

- Two minutes... - Yes, whatever.

Zero point five.

You were slower as well.

Because I was concentrating on not doing what you've done.

Yeah, well, that's interesting. Because I did what I did, look at that.

How interesting is that. Exactly the same.

- I mean, I was basically... - James!

- Hurry up! - I was point three of a second slower.

But basically the same.

After our important day's work,

I cleaned myself up and we headed into Tbilisi,

Georgia's capital,

for something you can only get in this country.

You see, the thing is, America gave the world aviation.

Germany gave it the car. Britain gave it the internet.

But Georgia's contribution was much more profound and important.

You see, Georgia gave the world... wine.

They've been making wine in Georgia for 4,000 years.

It's such a big thing here, they now have spas where you can bathe in it.

- How does it feel? - Tremendous.

This is wine.

That's the great thing about that. He doesn't need a plug.

No.

He will simply lower himself down and consume his bathwater.

If I were to take the plug out now,

would you panic and try and drink it all before it went away?

Hang on, I just need to rinse my hair. Hold on a minute.

- He's actually going to wash... - Oh, God, he is.

- ..his hair in wine. - Oh, no, he is!

Oh, God, I got some in my mouth.

James, do not fall asleep in the bath.

- OK. - He's going to.

Now I can relax.

Ooh...

The next morning, we went for a drive around Tbilisi,

one of the coolest cities we'd ever been to.

Who is this on his horse?

According to the sign, it's King David the Builder.

- What? - Better than Eric the Chemist.

The last builder I had working on the house

didn't look like that.

He certainly didn't turn up on a horse.

We then found a flea market

and decided to test the boot space in our grand tourers

by picking up a few souvenirs.

I'm not sure

they would have been able to win a war like this.

This is a Russian wall clock.

It says Moscow on the dial. It works.

-- Is it a Soviet one? -Yeah.

A Soviet cine-camera.

Now, come on.

How much is the record player?

I'm going to do a selfie.

I like the way that they've captured the lustfulness of the lady dog

and the wistfulness of James.

Having done our shopping,

Hammond and I were soon back at our cars

and filling up the boots.

- What have you bought? - A giant pair of jugs.

Georgian wine jugs.

Do you know what the Georgian is for wine jugs?

- No. - Norks.

- Is it? Is it? - Yeah.

So you've got two giant norks.

Yeah. A guitar and a clock.

And I'm very pleased with my purchases.

What's with the trombone, or whatever it is?

Well, it won't fit.

With my record player and my bird and my gas mask...

That's a striking piece. Well, put it on the back seat.

- Quite small. - It will go on...

The back seat will accommodate that, look.

- He's going to be critical. - Oh, my God!

There you go. Told you he would.

Do Aston Martin describe that as a back seat?

Yes.

I wouldn't call it a leather pouch.

I can't argue...

- I can't argue with him. - It's not acceptable.

- Are you actually in? - Yes.

- Head room? - No.

That is absolutely hopeless.

Anyway, the interesting thing about the Aston Martin is...

- I've got quite a lot to say. - I need to get out now!

At this point, James came back.

After a very ambitious shopping trip.

Could you hold the porcupine, please?

Yak goes in first.

You won't... How big is that boot?

- It is actually really big. - It's unnecessarily big, actually.

- It's too much boot. - It's a grand tourer.

It's for taking luggage as you said only the other day.

His Master's Voice will go there.

And then the Spanish man-o-war...

I then came up with a plan to get rid of what wouldn't fit in my car.

I bought you a present.

You're a musical man.

That's very thoughtful of him, actually.

Thank you.

With our souvenirs loaded up,

we got back on the road.

Lot of rattling in here. I'm a bit worried that

my big jugs are going to rub against my clock and ruin it.

I thought you jammed your clock between the jugs, so that it wouldn't.

Finbarr Saunders And His Double Entendres.

Soon, we arrived at the border.

Where Europe stops and Asia begins.

So there we are. Bye-bye, Georgia, the birthplace of wine,

and hello Azerbaijan,

the birthplace of something very nearly as important.

Oil.

It was first discovered here in the third century.

Marco Polo wrote about it a thousand years ago.

He said it didn't taste very nice.

The oil industry began here.

This was the first country in the world to develop offshore drilling.

But, weirdly, we are struggling to find a petrol station.

This meant we had to back off a bit.

Which prompted some smug eco-sermons from Hammond and May.

As we're now in the cruise,

my car can do a very clever thing.

Its W12 can shut down six cylinders

and run as a V6 to save fuel.

And you can get as much as 30mpg,

but actually that's quite a lot for a 2.2-tonne car.

And more importantly, it means I get a 500-mile range out of a tank.

What I can do is I can put it in Eco Pro mode, which I'm just doing now,

which shuts down some vital features. Not the engine fortunately.

And I have an active grille.

The flaps open when they need to

and then shut for better aerodynamic efficiency when they're not needed.

So this is all hi-tech stuff we're doing.

Jeremy, what's your Aston Martin got?

Well, between 40 and 80

it'll shut down six of the cylinders and run as a straight six

until the catalytic converter on the shut-down bank gets cool,

then it starts that bank up again and shuts the other one down,

alternating to make sure everything is at the optimum temperature.

Ha-ha! They weren't ready for that.

Happily, at this point

we finally found a fuel station.

Oh.

Now, that's an oil company name I wasn't expecting.

Really?

I know this is childish but it says...

- I wish we had Turd Petrol in Britain. - I really do.

Turd Petrol!

Why don't they sponsor a Formula 1 team?

Powered by Turd!

- Think of the skid marks. - Think of the commentary.

Back on the move, we started to soak up the local motoring culture.

Which didn't take long.

Lada, Lada

and Lada.

Lada, Lada, Lada.

Lada, Lada.

Three Ladas there, a Lada there,

two Ladas there.

If there's a Lada owners' club

in Azerbaijan, it could be massive.

"What Car?" must have been a very thin magazine over here.

At the next town, May and I wanted to pull over.

And Hammond didn't.

It's all very nice jollying around

but these are GT cars.

We've got a couple of miles in them.

We've got miles to go. We need to get a move on.

The town, however, was called Ganja.

So obviously May and I wanted to experience the architecture.

- You know I'm building a new house? - Yes.

I think I've got the scale of it wrong.

Really?

Mm. I think it needs to be more like this.

This. I like the arch.

I think the Cotswolds needs this kind of architecture in it.

Can we stop stopping off to look at things?

The whole point of this trip is to prove that these powerful GT cars

can devour continents and we're not devouring any miles.

- Ooh. - Well, we need to get going.

You do know that these aren't actually quicker

than any other type of car?

- What? - No, in the real world.

I mean, these feel great. That's why we like them.

It's nice having a powerful car, etc. But in the real world

they don't go any faster or slower than any other type of car.

- But they go faster. - They don't.

What? Those Ladas we've been overtaking endlessly since we got here.

You're saying that my twin turbocharged Aston Martin is no faster than them?

Not in the real world.

I'll demonstrate it to you, tomorrow.

Oh, God.

Right, May, what is your thinking?

Well, I've bought this Renault 9. It's the GTL.

And I've flown Abbie out to drive it

and we're going to drive 50 miles to a place called the Garden of Paradise.

Why can't we just go where we're going?

Cos I just said we're going to the Garden of Paradise. It'll be nice.

- So Abbie gets a two-minute head start. - Mm-hm.

You won't be able to catch her.

- We will. - You won't.

- A two-minute head start... - Yes.

And you think we can't catch her up in 50 miles?

Exactly.

That's not in good condition.

It wasn't very expensive.

Start the engine, please.

- Oh, well. - Oh, well.

Oh, we're in trouble now.

- Right, you ready? - Purrs like a kitten.

In three, two, one...

Go! -

- Professional racing driver. - She's good. She's good.

- You've bought a dog. - It doesn't work!

- There. - Ooh.

So James May's experiment...

Is an Aston Martin DBS, twin turbo,

faster than an ancient rusting Renault 9?

18 seconds.

Stop sounding excited about this ridiculous escapade.

Two, one, begin.

Right, let's get this charade over with, shall we?

And prove that James is mad.

The point of having a GT car with tonnes of power is it makes you feel good

and it's nice. But it's not quick.

All cars in the real world go at the same speed

because how fast they go is dictated by external factors,

not the car itself.

Traffic lights, speed cameras,

other cars, pedestrians crossing.

All these things just bunch everybody up.

If you have a powerful engine in your car, you can get home at night more quickly.

Which means you spend more time with your children.

Which means they're less likely to grow up as glue sniffers.

Soon we were out of the town and on the motorway.

But there was a problem.

These speed cameras, they're at every 100 yards.

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy.

But Abbie has got the same problem.

She's not getting away from us.

- No, but we're not catching her either, are we? - No.

Once we got off the motorway, though, Hammond and I splashed the brown roadblock

and got cracking.

Abbie is a brilliant driver.

Make no mistake. She's a lot better at it than me.

But I've got 14 times more horsepower.

All I had to do to catch her, then,

was overtake everything.

But that wasn't easy.

Single unbroken line. Can't overtake.

Can't overtake.

Right, we're stuck behind a Lada.

Oh, God, car coming the other way.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

And there's Jeremy Clarkson behind a lorry.

As I am.

Yeah, that's what you need.

Town...

Oh... What are you doing?

You dithering half-wit.

In James' real world, we weren't getting any breaks.

Oh, great. Digger.

Oh, God.

Whereas up ahead, Abbie was in scythe mode.

Oh, come on!

Right, Lada... Lada, Lada, Lada.

It's like they're releasing them every seven seconds coming the other way.

Oh, good. Red light.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four,

three, two...

Hello, chaps. Waiting at the lights?

Oh, Christ.

Mercifully, though, we were soon out of the town

and onto the open road.

Freedom!

Yes!

Splash the Lada.

Another one.

It's clear.

But then, with just 10 miles to go, everything got rural.

Hammond, cows, cows, cows!

As things became even more rural,

the Aston started to have a problem.

It's barely moving. What's he doing?

Can't you pick it up a bit?

It's bumpy and the camber is all over the shop.

Yeah, it's not perfect but it's drivable. Come on!

Hammond, I've got 715 horsepower and only rear-wheel drive.

Right, this is ridiculous. I'm going to come past.

I've got torque vectoring, four-wheel drive. It can handle this.

Meanwhile, further back in the Eeyore W...

I bet you she's still two minutes ahead.

Why have you stopped?

Because there's an entire farm coming towards me.

It's a river of wool and lunch.

Please don't scratch my Bentley.

Please don't scratch my Bentley.

All right?

As we approached journey's end, the road surface improved.

So we could both unleash our massive horsepower.

So here we are, ladies and gentlemen.

Richard Hammond's on a mountain road

in a Bentley going quickly.

So nothing can go wrong here.

We've got to have closed the gap by now.

No offence, Abbie, but you're not having this.

The finish line at the Garden of Paradise was close.

And as we entered the outskirts, the patio of paradise,

Abbie was in sight.

The race we knew would be ours

but then it turned out that actually

the finish line was in the 14th Century.

Oh, my word.

Getting narrow, very narrow.

Oh, I don't know how much

a carbon fibre chin spoiler is on one of these

but I bet it's a lot.

Abbie, however, wasn't worried about that sort of thing.

That's the sound of a crow rubbing against a Russian stereo.

That was not good.

- Hello. - Hammond, I'm beached.

I'm going to find another route.

Oh, is it really round here?

A lot of noise from the boot now.

Meanwhile, I'd found another route

that wasn't much better.

Oh, God.

James May's ideal motor race, this. I'm doing four, three.

By this stage I knew I'd lost.

So I needed to come up with an excuse.

Are these for the head?

A hat.

This is not Bentley country now.

This is really Land Rover territory.

James May, you are a bloody idiot.

Sit-rep, man arrived at the window,

took 30 units of currency away and I now have this hat.

Eventually Hammond and I found Abbie's victorious Renault at the finish line.

And then what was definitely several hours later,

May turned up.

Oh, here he is.

Oh, God.

- Who won, then? - We did!

- Did you? - No. No. We didn't.

- He went hat shopping. - I did. Look.

- Really? - It took him ages choosing that one.

Honestly, we must have been... How long were we hat shopping?

Must have been a good half hour to get the right one.

Well, half an hour with the black one and then I didn't like it.

That does not happen by accident.

That sort of thing takes time.

Anyway, this does prove, does it not, that fast cars, yes, they're great,

but they're not fast. In the real world

a Renault 9 is as fast as an Aston or Bentley

-or a BMW. - Ow! Agh! Agh!

- What? - Ohh! There's been an accident.

There's no other word for it.

- The... My... Look. - You've ruined your crow.

The crow's beak's come off and base.

But more... Look. That all was in me a minute ago

and now it's not.

Why's it coming out of you?

Because half the crow's face went in there

-when I picked it up. - It attacked you?

That was a really priceless ornament, that.

That's a real shame.

That's coming out at a rate.

I reckon you've probably got three, maybe four minutes.

That's a pint.

It's not a pint. It's spread out thin on the floor.

If this were you there'd be bloody helicopters coming,

-trousers being cut off. - Yeah. I'd be out of here by now.

I'm just getting on with it. Go and have a look

-how much damage you've done in yours. - Mine'll be fine.

I won't have done any damage in the Bentley.

Oh, God!

- Go on, say it. - I've lost my jugs and my clock.

All I've got is this ring.

With James' unrealistic real world test out of the way,

we continued heading east

and eventually we arrived at the fount of everything.

The cradle of humankind is in South Africa.

That's where we began as a species.

But the cradle of everything that makes us special

is here.

The things that we make out of what's coming out of the ground here

boggles the mind.

Toothbrushes, crayons,

heart valves, parachutes,

anti-freeze.

Vinyl records, cassette tapes,

CDs, training shoes.

Guitar strings, balloons,

sunglasses, life jackets.

Anaesthetics, enamel, dentures,

prosthetic limbs, shampoo.

Disposable ballpoint pen,

smartphone,

face creams, deodorants.

Lipstick, fishing rods,

electric blankets, insect repellent,

umbrellas, roofing.

Light switches, dishwashers,

John Travolta's face.

Antiseptic, food preservatives,

basketballs, putty,

motorcycle helmets, boats,

soft contact lenses.

The crackly bottle your water comes in.

Fan belts, satellite dishes,

Frisbees, heat,

light.

And most importantly of all,

the amber nectar of the gods, petrol.

Oil is so important here, in fact,

they've built a spa where you can bathe in it.

It was like the wine spa we found in Georgia,

apart from in every way.

- Is that really crude oil? - Yeah.

I feel like a guillemot.

Any minute now some woman with hairy armpits

will take me to a yurt and wash me down with Fairy Liquid

and say, "Look what we found."

- Where's our baths? - We've only got the one bath.

You're not getting in here with me.

Well, I'm not getting in after you.

- Why not? - Are you kidding?

Well, because that would be full of your scabs and dandruff...

The next day, after I'd been scraped clean,

we set off for the Caspian Sea.

And since we were almost at journey's end,

it felt like a good time to sum up our cars.

All the things a car has to excel at

to be a good GT car,

luxury, comfort, power, style,

make for just a good car of any sort.

And this new Bentley Continental GT

is a very, very, very good GT car.

But it has surprised me beyond that.

At the track, when two and a quarter tonnes of car felt nimble and agile.

But above all else it's about this interior.

This is just a nicer place to be than anywhere else.

Got to say it... This thing is a masterpiece.

They've absolutely nailed it.

And it deserves to wear its flying B.

What a thing.

So, my BMW. Now, when we started this trip,

I merely thought it was rather good.

But now... I'm pretty much in love with it.

And most of that, to be honest, is because of that V8 engine.

It's smooth, it's quiet, it's unobtrusive,

but then you just knock it down a few and give it a bit of shoe...

See? It becomes sonorous.

Its voice becomes more heartfelt

and it tingles through the steering wheel and through my buttocks.

It's lovely.

And the other thing...

And I know this is going to sound

a little bit sort of #FirstWorldConsideration

but it's only £100,000.

Considerably less than half the price of the Aston Martin.

It also looks better and it's made by Germans.

Buy this.

It's been a great trip, this.

A couple of things we've learned on the way...

No.1, Georgia, hidden gem.

Tbilisi in particular.

And No.2, pottery is much sharper than you might imagine.

Then there's the DBS and that is tricky.

It is as fast as hell and it's comfortable

and it looks sensational.

It's a hugely appealing car

but is it worth £70,000 more than the also hugely appealing DB11?

And I don't think it is.

I just don't think it is.

Maybe if they'd fitted an interior that made you feel special

like the interior does in the Bentley,

I'd have a different view, but they didn't.

So I don't. Sorry.

After a stunning drive through the tip of the Caucasus,

we eventually arrived in the jaw-dropping capital of Azerbaijan.

Here we are. Baku,

where there is, let's be honest, some architecture.

I mean, look at that.

A British architect did that,

my favouritest building in the world

by a long way.

These cars are now looking... well, I'd call them heroic.

James would say disgusting.

James May, how annoyed are you by the dirtiness of your car?

-- I was just saying that we're in disgrace.

Because this is a shiny, spangly city.

We should make our cars shiny and spangly.

It only takes a minute to clean them.

These look like they've done work

and battled and fought through.

No, they look dirty.

Ooh, hello. This is a bit of the Grand Prix track.

Of course, they have the Grand Prix here now.

Why don't we do a lap of the Grand Prix track?

Well, because I doubt you can. It's not just a track, is it?

Well, why don't we do a drag race on the main straight?

Because it's a city. You can't just do a drag race.

What if we asked really nicely?

As Hammond didn't have an answer to that, I did ask really nicely.

And the next day they really did close off the main straight.

So we could have our important drag race.

The Aston should absolutely cream this.

On paper it's faster to 60 and it's more powerful.

And it's lighter.

But it's rear-wheel drive and it's a wet track.

I have four-wheel drive and launch control.

My only slight worry is James has got them as well.

Here's my prediction. Their four-wheel drive systems and launch controls

will get them off the line quickly.

And then once I've got the power down, I'll just become a missile.

This is not a race to see who wins.

It's a race to see which one of my colleagues loses.

OK, here we go.

And we are away!

Can't get the power down.

Whoa!

Oh, I feel it slithering, that four-wheel drive doing its job.

Whoa! OK...

Bentley's reeling me in. I don't think he's going to do it.

Come on, BMW.

Yes!

Where's Jeremy gone?

Interesting building here. It's a government building.

I'm just going to have a look at it.

Yeah, nice.

Having looked at the building, I decided to have another go.

But still the Aston would not behave.

Oh, my...

Oh, jeez.

Victory!

So is it just all over the place?

I'm using about a quarter throttle and it's sideways.

It's not brilliant, is it?

Well done for getting permission but not so good on the weather.

I therefore decided that before we tried again,

I should do something about the weather.

So I got us and all our crew vehicles

to drive up and down the track to try and dry it out.

This took quite a while.

Jeremy, on that first run, did some poo come out?

Difficult to keep the poo in when your anus is as well oiled as mine.

How dry are we going to be able to get this track?

It's drying out on James' side.

If we do another run with me there...

- Be all right. - Well, it's hardly real world, is it,

choosing which bit of the road you drive on to make your car faster.

As that is in fact exactly what you do in a race,

I ignored him and lined up

for our third attempt on the dry line.

So, BMW, Bentley or the surface-to-air missile.

Which will win?

Amber.

Ohh!

It's a great start.

Jesus! It's still doing it.

80mph, 90mph.

Oh, it's going sideways again.

Oh, my...

Ohh!

Oh, jeez!

- Reel him in, reel him in. - Come on, BMW.

Oh, bugger!

Well, there we are. The Aston was by far the most exciting to look at there.

As usual.

So now let's get some lunch.

And moments later we found our grail.

There we are, look, 50 feet below sea level

and we have arrived at journey's end.

The Caspian.

The largest inland body of water in the world.

Our journey is complete.

Let's get a bream.

A bream's fish?

No, Hammond, they're cows. Of course they're fish!

I don't like fish.

- Well, on that terrible disappointment... - For him.

Mm...back to the tent.

Why did you say "Back to the tent," you idiot?

Um... Oh, right, um... It just slipped...

I've got biscuit.

- You don't do that. - It slipped out. -Never do that.

It gives us a chance at least to say how good GT cars are.

- I love them. - Mm.

Engine at the front and all the power you need.

They're everything you want in a car.

I agree. The BMW was the best as well.

- Eh? - Yes, but, James,

why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen

about the BMW's lane departure system?

You know, the one that keeps you in the white lines when you're driving along.

Yeah, well, the thing is, it was a pre-production car.

It had a slight glitch in it. You couldn't turn it off.

And it's quite annoying on the road because it does that.

But on the track, the problem is that you aim for a perfect apex

but the car thinks, he's about to have an accident.

It just throws you back into the middle of the track again.

It was extremely irritating.

There was that, which you moaned about a lot, and the gearbox.

Yeah, the gearbox, well...

The problem there is, the display on the dash, there's two of them.

One of them says what gear you've selected...

Mm.

...but the other one says what gear the car thinks you should be in.

So, again on the track, you'll be driving along,

going, here comes a left-hand bend...

right down to second and the car would go, seventh?

- That is annoying. - It's basically just Germans

saying, "The Englander knows nothing here."

Exactly.

But it was bloody fast, the BMW.

It was excellent.

But I still think the Bentley was the best.

- It was the best. - I agree.

- What? - I agree.

Look, I really like the DBS, OK?

It was a fantastic car.

I like the DB11 as well.

And the Vantage.

But for doing that journey...

- I'd choose the Bentley. - Wait a minute,

haven't you just recommended the Aston Martin DBS to a friend of yours?

Yes, I have.

- And has he since bought one? - Yes, he has.

And on that terrible disappointment, for him,

it's time to end. Thank you so much for watching. Goodbye!

Sync corrections by srjanapala