All language subtitles for Superstore S4E12 Blizzard

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

It's really comin' down out there.

Now, I'm not a licensed meteorologist,

but I believe the technical
term is snowy AF.

For anyone stocking up, we are limiting

all water purchases
to one case per person,

and that does include coconut water,

watermelon water, cucumber water,

aloe water, probiotic water,

and electric water,

which is something I just made up

but you probably got all excited about.

And if anybody lost a blue hair thingie,

please come pick it up
at customer service.

Oh, that's mine!

What?

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The snow is already at my knees

and shows no signs of slowing.

I know it doesn't look
very high, but, once again,

I'm 6'7", so it would be above the waist

of a normal size person.

So much for global warming.

Actually, this... this
is direct proof of the...

nope, I'm not gonna take the bait.

I knew this blizzard
was coming a week ago

'cause my macaw started having diarrhea.

Don't all birds diarrhea all the time?

Not like this.

- Hey, Glenn?
- Mm-hmm?

Um, it's really bad out there.

Do you think maybe we could
all go home early?

Well, we're supposed
to stay open till 11:00.

Come on, the only people
left in the store are us

and a few sample suckers.

Okay, you know what, yeah,

I could give corporate a call, sure.

So much for global warming, huh?

It's not... it's not global warming.

- It's climate change.
- Shh.

No, but, if anything, this is proof...

- Shh.
- This...

Jerry.

Sandra, hi.

Hi. What are you...

Oh, you are a lifesaver.

Mmm.

I ran out of vape juice.

It's really bad out there.

I hit some ice and almost
skidded into a pet cem...

Oh, this is cotton candy.

I asked you for candy cane.

Oh, sorry.

Whatever.

I guess I don't matter.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, you look so sad right now.

It's, like, haunting.

Can I take your picture?

Okay.

Oh, now you just look like a sad clown.

I can do it.

No, it's fine. The moment's passed.

It is really coming down out there,

and I'm worried about people
making it home safely.

Oh, of course, the most important thing

is the safety of our employees.

Exactly, so, uh, I was hoping

I could let everyone go a little early?

Oh, wouldn't that be
such a sweet gesture?

Uh-huh, it... it would be, yes.

Well, if you need anything at all,

we're here for you and, uh,

we will be right up until closing time.

So you're saying we can't leave?

I'm saying we appreciate
your commitment to stay.

Thank you.

Attention, all remaining customers.

The governor has declared
a state of emergency.

Customers are advised to get
home before conditions worsen,

which begs the question,
what about employees

who also drive cars
and also have families

and/or video games to get home to?

Yeah, I... I checked on that,

and corporate would like us
to stay until closing so...

Glenn, this is crazy.

It's really bad out there.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's starting to lighten up a bit.

No, actually, it's getting worse.

Uh, they're calling it
the snow-poca-blizz.

Oh, wait, nope, that's
just some guy on Twitter

trying to get it going.

Okay, well, you know,
I'll try 'em again.

Oh, no, no, no, Glenn, no, that's...

you're still using the intercom phone.

- Ow!
- Put it down.

Oh, phooey to corporate.

Let's just get outta here.

You heard the man, go, go!

Okay, before you go,
can you unlock the razor case?

I don't know why you guys
lock up the razor blades.

They're actually one
of the most shoplifted items,

high-ticket and easy to pocket.

People also steal name-brand detergent,

condoms, baby formula.

You wouldn't think it, but
they sell it and buy heroin.

Pretty grim. Anyway, happy to help.

Holy moly!

It is the snow-poca-blizz!

It is colder than the critical reception

of Drake's last album!

That's what you said when
we came out here last night!

Shut up. None of them heard it!

You guys think the bus is running

on its regular schedule?

I doubt it!

But maybe we can split an Uber!

I can't see my car!

I lost one of my shoes!

Maybe we should go back inside!

No, we just have to get to our cars!

Oh, there's surge pricing!

I lost my other shoe!

It costs $1,400!

Okay, we have to go back inside!

We're gonna die out here!

It is colder than the critical reception

of Justin Timberlake's last album!

We heard you the first time!

Well, I just heard an update

on KFR-AM 520 with Bill Mudd,
the Weather Stud...

who, by the way,
if you go to their website,

is far from studly.

Oh, his eyes are on
the side of his head.

- I know.
- Yeah.

Anyway, it looks as though
we are stuck here tonight.

- Oh!
- What?

- What?
- Come on.

So because corporate

couldn't let us home a tad bit earlier,

now I can't get home to my children?

I thought Adam has the kids tonight.

He does. I'm just
trying to make a point.

I was gonna host chili night tonight.

We were gonna host chili night tonight.

Well, it's my apartment.

You're just bringing the chili.

The chili's the whole point.

So we're just supposed
to spend the night here

like homeless people.

Yes, this is the exact sleeping
situation homeless people have.

They wouldn't sleep here.

This place is crawling with raccoons.

I let a homeless guy
use my bathroom once.

Now he just does it
when I'm not even home.

Okay, we have no idea how
long we're gonna be stuck here,

so we need to ration our food.

The less we eat up front,
the longer we can go

before we start eating each other later.

Um, I have a child here.

That is an amazing offer,

but why don't we just try
and get out of here alive

before we start
eating the children, huh?

I... I don't think it'll come to that.

Let's just help ourselves
to whatever we need:

bedding, food, pajamas, you know.

Mi casa is sues mos, wazzas.

Cell phones are out.

Do you have a landline
I can call my family from?

Oh, sure, yeah, you can use
the phone at customer service.

And can I also use it
to call my mistress?

Is... is... is... is she nice?

She's okay.

Well, that's good.

So how have you been?

Good.

Carol doesn't let me eat sugar.

Oh, cool.

You look good.

Thanks.

You look nice too.

Thanks.

I was thinking about getting bangs,

but I didn't.

Hmm.

Where should I set up my stuff?

Oh, anywhere is fine.

Are you crazy?

You know that we're liable

for any assaults that
take place tonight, right?

I...

Now, you need to set up
in the very center of the floor, okay?

We need to keep
the hotties in the middle,

make them harder to get to.

That's how wolves protect
their hottest wolves.

Okay.

Listen, I'm gonna do
everything in my power

to make sure you make it
through the night alive, okay?

Oh, all right, thanks, Dina.

You know, we should really tie bells

to some of the creeps
so we can hear them coming.

No, I'm not gonna make it tonight.

Just enjoy the hotel room.
Watch some HBO.

Use all the blankets.
Take 'em in the shower.

Doesn't cost nothin'.

Just nothing from the minibar.

See, this isn't so bad.

It's like we're all having
a big slumber party.

Ooh, we should do a Ouija board.

Nah, the only dead guy here is Sal,

and I don't want to talk to that dude.

Oh, we could play Spin the Bottle.

I'm awesome at Spin the Bottle.

I can make it spin forever.

It's like a wrist thing.

All right, let's go around

and each of us say
how we lost our virginity.

Oh, no, we don't need to do that.

Okay, for me, it was Mark Benthis.

He was this jock in high school,

and I was tutoring him in English.

So one day, he comes to my house

to study after basketball practice

and he's all sweaty
and one thing leads to another.

Alley-oop.

- Swish.
- That's awesome.

Did you guys date after that?

No, he pretended not to know me,

so I started tutoring him wrong.

If he thought he was dyslexic before...

- Oh.
- Mine was

a French foreign exchange student

my family hosted when I was 16.

After a couple weeks,
it was avoir la petit Mort.

Please tell me that means sex.

Uh, yes.

Yes, awesome. Lucky girl.

Jasmine Mendoza.

- Oh?
- Wow.

I know. I was so freaked out afterwards,

she had to take me
to the emergency room.

- Aww.
- I'm crying.

For me, it was Adam, duh.

It was the night before his
state wrestling championship,

and he begged me because

he didn't want to pop a boner
during his match.

So how'd he do?

He broke his foot
and lost his scholarship.

Ouch.

At least he didn't get a boner.

No, he still did, actually.

To this day, he still calls that

the week of boners that ruined his life.

- Hmm.
- All right, who's next?

Sandra, you go.

Um, what do we do

if the person we did it with is here?

Jesus, your feet are freezing.

Come on. How 'bout now?

No, I... they're like blocks of ice.

Come on, that's your job.

- It's not my job.
- Yes.

Then I quit.

- Stop.
- It's freezing.

Oh, so you guys are sharing a bed.

That's so husband and wife.

Yeah, well, there... there
weren't many mattresses.

Oh, never mind, cool. Cool.

It just...

you know, could you not maybe...

If you could avoid...

Having sex on an air mattress
surrounded by our coworkers?

We will try to contain ourselves.

Oh, okay, great, thank you.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Huh?

Jesus!

Good night, Marcus.

Ah.

No, Glenn, we're okay.

- We don't...
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Yeah, that's cozy.

There we go.

That is... that is comfortable.

- Is this good?
- No, Jerry.

Sorry.

Don't apologize. Just be better.

Sandra, where are you going?

I'm gonna sleep in the break room.

Nobody moves after light's out.

It's for Cheyenne's security.

Oh, okay.

Don't move your arms so much.

Just lie there.

Hey.

Cheyenne, wake up.

Rise and Cheyenne.

Girl, wake up.

Jesus, wake up, you ox!

I think our mattress deflated.

Oh, is that what that sound was?

I thought you were just
continuously farting all night,

which I thought was cute.

Mornin'.

You guys want coffee?

Um, no, that's...

- No, I'm... penis.
- We're okay.

- Thanks.
- All right.

Oh, hey, do you guys
wanna come for breakfast?

It's Thursday, so we're
having waffle sticks

and pancake rollovers
and French toast poppers.

Yeah, I think we've spent enough time

with each other for a while.

That is a lot of snow.

Yes! I told you!

I said we need to ration our food

because we may be stuck
in there for a while,

but did any of you listen to me?

Nope, and now we very well
may starve to death.

In your faces!

Boom! Always right.

Another one for the good guys.

Sorry, baby, I'm just
gonna be a few more hours.

Um, hey, uh, don't
eat the free breakfast

and see if they'll
credit it to the room.

And, uh, you didn't do laundry, did you?

Okay, mention that.

Would you mention that
you didn't do any laundry?

Okay, um, how about what
is the most embarrassing way

you've ever injured yourself?

Go.

Uh, about ten years ago,
I tried to run a marathon,

and I made it almost the entire way,

but three feet before the finish line,

I passed out from dehydration.

Wait, how is that embarrassing?

That's just bragging that you
finished most of a marathon.

I chipped my tooth
biting a chocolate coin

that turned out to just be a quarter.

And then another time,

I fell up an escalator
when I was taking a selfie.

I got my penis caught
in my friend Russell's zipper.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I just gotta...

where was Russell's penis?

For a while, neither of us knew.

I slipped in the shower once.

That's not that embarrassing.

Oh, yeah?

'Cause I slipped on my own poop.

- What?
- Why?

I had just deuced in the shower.

- Ugh.
- Ugh.

Why?

Okay, right, when you guys
are in the shower

and you have to go, you just hold it.

Yes. Yeah.

That's what you do
when it's a number two.

Sure, so you don't poop
in the shower every morning

and stamp it down the drain
with your feet?

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my...
- No.

Okay, whatever. Screw you, snowflakes.

Bunch of princesses.

All right, we've narrowed it
down to two choices:

"Game of Thrones" season one

or "Friends" season nine.

Is that the season with Paul Rudd?

Uh, I believe so, yeah.

Pass.

My son's six.

"Game of Thrones" has too much nudity.

I feel like both those shows

have way too many white people.

Yeah, I got to agree.

I watch TV as an escape,
not to see more white people.

Well, I could watch something
with a little more diversity.

How about "Empire"?

Gonna start right in the deep end, huh?

Guys, there are two DVDs:

"Game of Thrones" season one,
"Friends" season nine.

That's it.

It has to be one of those choices.

You know, I've always wanted to watch

"Orange Is the New Black."

I'd watch that.

I thought you said your son
couldn't watch nudity.

He likes strong female leads.

Just a little more color on your cheeks.

There.

How do I look?

You look good.

Really?

I think he looks like his whore sister.

Ah!

Can you stop doing that?

What?

That "ah" you do every time you move.

It bugs.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize I did that.

Let me know if I'm doing
anything else that "bugs."

Um, those bunny ears with your hands

when you talk are annoying.

Um, noted.

Um, I'll try not to do
anything else, um, annoying

when I, um, talk.

Thank you.

He's making fun of you, Cheyenne,

because he thinks he's better
than everyone else here.

Oh, I'm sorry, he thinks
he's better than everyone?

You're the one who walks into
the break room every morning

and says, "Good morning, turd people."

It wasn't funny the first time.

It's not supposed to be funny.

It's supposed to make you feel
bad for being turd people.

Okay, guys, come on.

Let's be nice to each other, you know.

Spending all this time together

can make us a little bit bonkers.

It's true.

Do you know how many murders
happen on submarines?

Okay, great.

Well, then let's all
stop annoying each other

and nobody has to get hurt.

What if we don't know what
we're doing that's annoying?

Paradox.

Maybe we should go around
and each say something

about someone that annoys us.

Mm, that sounds like a real bad idea.

"That sounds like a real bad idea."

Who am I?

Oh! Amy. Easy.

Okay, fine, let's do this.

Uh, Mateo, when you say "touché,"

you sound like a douché.

Who's next?

You don't know how
to tell a story, Glenn.

You get lost in the details,

like whatever people
were having for lunch.

I am trying to paint a picture.

Nobody cares if it
doesn't impact the story.

I hate Mateo's anticlimactic sneezes.

It's a lot of build-up
for a tiny, little "achoo."

Yeah, and it's always, like,
three or four of them in a row.

He just likes the attention.

Isaac, you need
to stop calling me brother.

I don't do that.

You do. I've heard it.

Okay, maybe, but I don't
do it to sound cool.

I do it 'cause you're black.

Garrett, your breath smells like farts,

and your farts smell like food.

You need to see a doctor.

And, Marcus, why do you
smell like sour milk?

I eat cereal while I drive to work,

and most of the time, it spills.

Dina, your voice is a smidge loud.

Well, I'm so sorry that I have

an unusually large diaphragm!

That makes two of us! Up top!

Get your [bleep]ing hand out of my face!

Speaking of loud,

when Amy chews chips,

it sounds like
she's eating a microphone.

Aren't you just, like, a customer?

Yeah, I'm Terry.

Hi, Terry.

Shut the hell up.

Yeah, you're not a part of this.

This is Cloud 9.

We don't give a damn
what customers think.

Yeah, why don't you
go stew in softlines?

- Bye-bye.
- Yeah, get out of here.

- Bye.
- Okay, okay.

Bye.

Can you believe that guy,

barging in here
like he's part of the family?

Guys, guys, who am I?

"I'm Terry."

Yeah, that's exactly
what he sounds like.

So good.

Nailed it.

Okay, so if I had to eat someone here,

it would be... Glenn

'cause he eats a lot of sugar,
so he'd be the sweetest.

Aw, thank you.

My blood sugar is really high.

I'm prediabetic.

Personally, I wouldn't eat
anyone over the age of 35.

I know there's no
expiration date on people,

but that's when they start to turn.

Oh, Jenga!

- Yes!
- Jenga!

- That's a Jenga.
- Yas, Jenga.

- Cheers.
- That's a Jenga.

Nice.

Okay, okay, well, it's a cherry cola.

The acidity is too intense
for Coca-Cola Cherry,

and it's not quite full-bodied enough

to be Cloud 9 Cherry Splash.

RC Cherry Cola.

It's Bud Light Lime.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

Yes!

How are you so good?

You never golfed before,
like, a year ago.

I never big golfed,

but I used to mini golf all the time.

Big golfed?

Yeah.

If we make it out of here alive,

I might take you to
my favorite mini golf place.

You're not sick of me yet?

No. Are you sick of me?

Nah.

What about now? Are you sick of me now?

Um.

Is this making you sick of me?

Well.

Breath smells like farts.

I'm sure my breath
doesn't smell like farts.

Oh, hey, excuse me, man.
Is this place open?

How'd you get in here?

Just through the doors.

Did they plow the parking lot?

I guess so.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, it's kind of cold outside.

You might want to put on...
No, I'm good. I'm good.

Whoo!

The trick is to take a box out

without knocking over
the rest of the tower.

Whoa.

- Yep, that's the trick.
- Cool.

We're out of orange juice.

I got a secret stash in my office.

On it.

Dina.

Hi, Dina.

I was just coming to get some juice,

but, um, think I'll just
drink it straight.

Okay.

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