All language subtitles for Requisitos para ser una persona normal (2015).HDrip-eng(1)(2)(3)(4)(5)(6)(7)

Carlos Romero.

Marta Rubial.

Mar Garcia.

Pablo Guerrero.

Mary of the Mountains Enriquez?

You have a very good CV,
Mary of the Mountains.

Thank you.

What would you do first
in the firm if we hired you?

Well, get to work on time.

A market study,
including all the social networks,

the main targets, and focus resources
on the prime target.

What type of person are you?

A... normal person.

And what's a normal person?

A normal person is someone...

with a job,

a home,

a partner,

hobbies,

a social life,

family life...

Hello?

Merry Christmas.

...and...

and who's happy-

Do you think you fulfil
all these requisites?

JOB, HOME, PARTNER, SOCIAL LIFE,
HOBBIES, FAMILY LIFE, BE HAPPY

All of them. Certainly.

My name's Mary of the Mountains
and my life is a mess.

500,000 children
were born in Spain in 1985.

I was one of them.

I cried a lot, non-stop,
until they put on my ID bracelet.

They are different shapes
and colours,

but all with the same purpose,
to label you.

I guess knowing who I was
gave me some peace.

And this is me now.
I have no ID bracelet now,

beyond being
an unemployed thirty-something

who thought she'd conquer the world
when she graduated...

and didn't.

With a degree in advertising,

an online English course
and a masters in advertising,

my greatest achievement
is an unemployment card,

though I think it's expired now.

Why am I loaded down with bags?

No, I'm not going on a trip.
I wish!

I got thrown out of my flat
for not paying the rent.

Sure, I did owe them three months.

So I'm going back to the last place
I'd want to go back to,

my mother's place.

Sis!

Bro!

So glad to see you!
You look skinnier!

And you look outer!

Wait, I'll open up!

This is Alex, my brother.

He's always been
more sure about things than me.

At 7 he told us he was gay
and at 18 he already had a job.

And he was just re-elected
president of the Twilight Fan Club.

- Hey, handsome!
- Hi!

So...?

Mum's going to be so happy
you're back home!

It's temporary, Alex,

just till I find a job,
then I'm going.

Isn't she home?

No, there's a meeting
of Thermomix salespeople.

5 years selling Thermomixes!

I can't believe how time's flown.

Believe it!

I beat my own record this year,

10 machines in one month!

Yes, but you haven't reached
Maria Eugenia's 20.

What excuse
will I give my husband tomorrow?

See? That's why I don't have one.

Excuse me.

Alex, honey.

Hi, Mum. I've got news.
Mary's back home.

- Is she alright?
- Sure, she's fine.

Did she seem strange?

No way. The things you say, Mum.

Shall I put her on?

No, don't put her on.
I'll be back soon. Big kiss.

This is my mum, Barbara.
We haven't spoken in a while.

Since she was widowed
she's sold Thermomixes.

She likes classical music,
playing Solitaire and...

I don't know much more about her.

The last time we spoke was because
my phone dialled by accident.

Tell me,

what type of person
do you consider yourself to be?

REQUIREMENTS TO BE A NORMAL PERSON

HOME

JOB

PARTNER

FAMILY LIFE

SOCIAL LIFE

HOBBIES

BE HAPPY

REQUIREMENTS TO BE A NORMAL PERSON

Morning! Wake up,
we have to go see my boss.

Don't forget your CV.

And don't go back to sleep!

First requisite, have a job.

JOB

Look, I've got your CV here.

You'd better send it off
via the website too.

Okay.

- See you later!
- See you later!

I did marketing, but
you can consider me for any position.

- Anything, don't worry.
- Thank you.

Great, see you. 'Bye, Alex.

-'Bye, Paula. You look pretty.
- Thanks!

I hope they call you.
Why don't we have lunch together?

- Okay. Do they sell light bulbs here?
- Of course, sis'.

Hello. Need anything?

No.

- Sure?
- Yes, I'm fine, thanks.

Are you sure I can't help you?

Well, I'm looking for a bulb
for my desk lamp,

but I'm not sure what light
these give off exactly.

Exactly... 15 watts.

Right, 15 watts,
and how much light is that?

Turn it on and off.

Yes, but... See?

You can't really see the difference.

So to tell we should
be in darkness here, right?

I mean, all the lamps should be off

and we turn it on and off
to tell the difference.

- You never thought about that?
- No.

That's alright.

- Need anything else?
- No.

Okay.

Do you know if Mum uses Dad's car?

- Yes, but not to drive.
- No?

No, but when she's sad,

she goes to the car to think.

Gee.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

How do you know if someone
likes you or not?

Iguess„.because„.
when you're with them...

- Do you like somebody?
- I think so.

I can't remember the last time
I really liked someone.

That was me in primary school
with Guillermo Conde Sánchez.

I know, it was a long time ago.

He'd always ask for my notes
and I'd blush every time.

Once I dared to put a heart
and "I like you" on my math notes,

and I don't know why,
but he never asked me again.

That day I understood that
love confessions are not my forte.

JOB

Don't tell me your life story.
The economic report was for today!

PARTNER

BEING HAPPY IS EASY

LIVING HAPPY

I WANT A CHANGE

SELF-HELP

I'm sorry! Excuse me!

This... This...

THE JUICE DIET

These aren't for me.

And these aren't for me...

SLIMMING IS EASY

...obviously.

Obviously.

"Smile, It Works",

"The Power is in You",

"Living Happy".

And what's happiness?

I don't know.

At least you're thin.

- Your weight doesn't make you happy.
- Typical thin girl answer.

SLIMMING IS EASY

THE JUICE DIET

QUALITY CALORIES

You don't know what it's like
to diet all the time.

Carrot cake with extra cream here,

coffee...

Can you bring some saccharine?

To Compensate.

Not going to answer it?

Mum? Yes.

No, I won't be at dinner.
Because I...

I ran into a friend.

What friend?

You, right?

Do you want to go to dinner?

- If it's a salad, yes.
- Okay.

No, I won't be at dinner,
I'm going out with Borja.

Well... a friend.

- What bulb did you get in the end?
- The 15.

Oh, okay.
Tell me what the light's like.

- I will, when I see it in the dark.
- Of course.

What? Are you taking
the piss out of me?

No, no way.

Just your obsession with
turning the lamps on and off.

- It's an obsession that works.
- It depends.

Where'd you read that list?

I didn't read it. They asked me
about it at a job interview.

I'd never thought about it before.

- I only Satisfy half the list.
- Then you're half normal.

That's not bad.
What about you?

I don't Satisfy any of it.

Nothing?

Nothing. Bugger all.

There are people,
like the Pope for example,

that don't Satisfy the list.

But the Pope's the Pope,
he doesn't need to be normal.

- If you look at it like that...
- Sure.

Though he's married to God,
so one of them...

No, nuns are married to God.
Not the Pope.

- And why not?
- I don't know. Ask him.

You'll love this place.

We'll get a table, for sure.

- Here?
- Right?

Mary, Gagandeep.

- Nice to meet you.
- Same here.

The pizza's delicious.

Yeah.

So, to help you with your list,

you want me to find you a flat.

- Yes. A studio flat will do.
- Okay.

A little one.

A job.

Not as a trainee, please.

- A boyfriend.
- Yes.

- How do you want him?
- Normal.

- Normal.
- Supernormal.

If he's normal, like on your list,
he'll have a partner.

Oh, right.

Then he's to Satisfy
80% of the list.

Okay.

So?

Do you think you can
turn me into a normal person?

Yeah.

Do you think
you can make me thin?

Sure.

Yeah.

Have we got a pact?

Quid pro quo.

Quid pro quo.

Right, Mary of the Mountains.
Let's start our quid pro quo.

Point one: SOCIAL LIFE.

I don't feel like doing this one.

Come on, you must have
some friend from university.

I did it by correspondence.

Then from high school
or matriculation classes?

I was in the first year
of the new system.

- You done?
- I did the last year of the old one.

Really? They say
you're better educated.

Absolutely.

Don't change the subject.
Come on, someone from high school.

I don't keep in touch with anyone.

- Nobody?
- No.

I'm going to do something.
What? What?

I'll look at your contacts,
and phone at random.

No, no.

Cristina Pi.

- No, not Cristina Pi!
- It's ringing, take it!

- Mary? Cristina?
- Who?

No, I'm Mary...

- This is Mary Enriquez Conde.
- Who?

- From Sant Jordi.
- From school?

- Yes.
- Well!

- Do you remember me?
- No,Id0nT

We were in the same class.

Give me more clues, or...

Remember the end-of-year dances?

There was a number by Vicky Larraz?

Who's Vicky Larraz?

Who's Vicky Larraz?

The singer in OIé Olé,
not Marta Sánchez,

the real one, the first one.

- Never mind, in Vicky's number...
- Yes.

There was an accident
with a katana...

The Samurai!

- Yes, that's me.
- Oh, great!

I was thinking, "I wonder
what Cristina's up to. I'll call her."

I've got your number from the students
reunion which I didn't got to.

- How are you?
- Great!

Do you feel like
meeting up next week?

Yes, I'd love to.

I was thinking of taking the kids
to Montjuic Gardens.

I love gardens.

- Perfect, shall we write?
- Okay.

What's your Facebook name?
I'll add you.

- My Facebook name...
- Tell her.

- I don't have one.
- What? Make one up!

Mary Carrot.

Mary Carrot, that's original.

- I'll write to you.
- Okay.

- Big kiss.
- Big kiss.

My grandmother's on Facebook!

And I've got a friends afternoon
with Cristina Pi.

First objective, make contact.

- What'll we talk about?
- You'll see.

I won't have any conversation topics.

- What happened at the school party?
- I don't know what you mean.

Tell me what happened.

- Tell me, please.
- Nothing happened.

- Did you kill someone?
- No, no.

Tell me, Mary Carrot, please!

- Now your quid pro quo.
- Tell me.

Let's get started.

Look. Stairs.

Come on, Borja!

One, two, one, two!

RUTH!

This is more my level.

- That's how it is.
- It's not a package.

It's vertical.

- What's it for?
- It's a ball of energy.

Borja, did you bring
yourjunk food?

That's it?
That's all the stuff you've got?

Yes.

- Sure you don't have anything else?
- I'm sure.

I'd rather go to your place and check.

My place?

I share a place,
and without warning...

Thanks for the cupcakes, grandma!

Yes, homemade, very nice,
but your grandson has to eat healthy!

When she wants her space,
she takes out her hearing aid.

- Who can say no to her?
- To a grandma? Nobody.

Want to see the place?

This is the recreation area.

Let's hit the kitchen first.

My turn. Let's do the easy one:

HOBBIES.

Playing an instrument.

Painting.

Origami?

Knitting.

Cooking.

Puzzles.

Swimming.

Cycling.

Running.

Knitting!

Sex.

No way.

I've got it!
Watching Venezuelan soaps

with my grandma.

HOBBIES

LIVING HAPPY

Mary?

Coming!

I'm going to bed,
I don't feel so good.

See you tomorrow.

Good night.

What are up to this afternoon?

Will you come with me
to look at a flat?

Wait, the little ball was in front of us.

No, you're the little ball.

Isn't that the destination?

There are two balls!

Look! If I spin around
the ball changes colour!

It's here.

Here it says "pet shop".

The lady said it was
next to a pet shop.

You sure?

Wait for me!

The loft is separate,
but access is through the shop.

And if it's closed?

Don't worry, I'll give you a key.

What do you do?

It's just for the forms,
for the rent of the flat.

Marketing and advertising,

but right now I'm
in professional transition.

Here, it won't take long
to see it.

Right, a loft means
no separating partitions,

but if you had another budget

you could rent the flat
my daughter Desi vacated.

It's 60 sq. metres,
two rooms, if you want kids...

- No, we're not...
- No, it's for me.

Go on! I can see it in your eyes.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't
afford it. I'm actually unemployed.

Weren't you in advertising?
Well, I think I have a job for you.

- When can I start?
- Whenever you like, right now.

JOB

What do I have to do?

New vanilla flavour,
your dog will be over the moon!

New vanilla flavour, your dog...

Look, he'll be over the moon.
Biscuit?

Would you like a biscuit?

New vanilla flavour,
your dog will be...

It's for dogs, eh?

- Mind if I take a photo?
- No. Sure.

Daddy, take my photo
with the biscuit!

Hey,bum

New biscuits!

If I tell you the watts
the bulb has, it doesn't matter

because we've got
no perspective on the light.

The watts don't matter.
We have no idea.

Because we have no perspective,
understand?

We'd have to turn out
all the lights in Ikea

to remotely understand its light,
understand?

Biscuits! Fresh made today, sir!

Sir! Sir!

But...

Get off!

What the...?

Get off!

Dumbass!

Dirty doggie! Dirty!

I'm going to tell my mum!

Mateo! I told you,
I don't like you Chasing Chicho!

- Sorry, did he bother you?
- No. No.

Mary?

- Mary of the Mountains!
- Cristina!

That's amazing!
What a coincidence!

We spoke the other day
and now we run into each other!

You're...

I'm doing a study

to see the effect on a brand
of product representation.

Great.

Yes, we marketing people
are kind of...

I know, my husband's in advertising,
I know what you mean.

I'm off to the club nearby.
Will they let get away, 15 minutes?

I don't know...

- Like a biscuit?
- No, thanks.

Did you eat...?

I was going to sign him up forjudo,
but I chose tennis

because it's less violent,
and he loves Rafa Nadal.

- Sure.
- Excuse me.

Yes, honey.

They can't after all.
Have it before the vitamins go.

That way I can rest up.

Okay, big kiss.

I love you, too. 'Bye.

Sorry.

My HUSBAND'S opening an ART GALLERY
he's starting with some FRIENDS,

my parents can't mind the KIDS,

and the poor man was worried
I'd forgotten about it.

I've started a new JOB
working from HOME

and I'm a bit stressed,
but never mind, I'm HAPPY.

You can tell.

Chicho! Stop!

Sorry, he's turned out so virile,

he latches on to
the first thing he can.

Behave yourself
or no date with Smurf a.

- Smurf a is...
- His girlfriend.

He's got a girlfriend
and everything.

He's very sporty too.
Sometimes he acts as a ballboy!

He's so cute!
The King of the house.

Sorry, I'm going on about myself.
What about you?

Do you live around here?
Partner? Kids?

Javi! We're training next week!

- How's your love life?
- Not right now...

- No?
- No.

How are your parents?

My father died.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

And your mother?

No, my mother didn't.

Honey?

Yes, I sent the invitations.

Gustavo's as well.

Gustavo's coming alone, isn't he?

No reason.

I'm going, I'm with a friend.

I was thinking...

Do you like blind dates?

BE HAPPY

(WITH AN ARGENTINIAN ACCENT)
Let's breathe, relax your abdomens.

Let go, let your mind go,
your emotions as well,

they have to come out...

- Borja.
- What?

- We put ourselves in therapy.
- So?

That's what people with problems do.

No! Normal people go to therapy.

You should put that on your list.

I want to laugh to be happy!

After me!
I want to laugh to be happy!

- I ran into Cristina Pi yesterday.
- And?

Great, super normal.

She's got a lovely husband,
parents that babysit her boy Mateo.

The vocal laugh with abdominal thrust
is the most contagious.

She's going to introduce me to a guy,
Gustavo, he's charming.

Let's try it.

One, two, three, four...

Here are the balloons.

For the next time,
I want you to do an exercise:

Blow them up, get a marker pen,

write down everything
that makes you anxious,

sad, sorrowful... right?

Put it on the balloons, tie them up
and toss them into the air.

Is that clear?

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Can I get two bags?

Of course. Why not?

I thought at 30
my life would be different.

- Different to what?
- To what it is now.

You didn't?

No.

I didn't think at 30
I'd be back at my mum's house.

I live with my grandma, so...
we're even.

But you get along with her.

It's impossible
not to get along with her.

There's no credit in that.

Come on, you know what's next:

FAMILY LIFE

Start with Ludo, close families do it.

Do you want to play Ludo?

Hallö, Hemnes, Hilver, Hövet...

I'll need two more,
in the name of Pàmies and Barroso.

The same street, yes.

When's delivery?

Two weeks?

Do you think we become
copies of our parents?

No.

Because my father
and my brother are thin.

And your mother?

Her too.

Maybe you're adopted.

Switch.

My mother's a mystery to me.

I never really know
what she's feeling or thinking.

Why don't you talk to her?

Do you have deep conversations
with your parents?

We're Galicians. You never really
know what we're talking about.

Right.

And what about your father?

Switch.

I remember the day
we took this photo,

on a trip to Montserrat.

We ate hamburgers and
Alex and I were allowed to eat sweets.

On the way back
my parents argued, for a change.

They could argue about anything,
the weather, food,

what was on TV, banks,

a blown light bulb, shoelaces,

a skirt that was too short,
an overdone steak,

a badly ironed shirt,
"you're a bad mother,

you're worthless, useless,
an idiot..."

After every argument,
my father went into his office

and my mother
locked herself in the car.

Hi!

What?

- I was doing my Swedish classes.
- How come?

In case I get a job
at central office in Stockholm.

Stockholm.

- There's one exchange every year.
- Cool.

- Did you talk to your mother?
- I haven't had time yet.

For the exercise today
I brought the console.

No console, no way!

Give it here. You design my avatar
and I'll do yours.

- How's the Sausage job?
- It's a biscuit.

- How is it?
- Fine.

Where's your grandma?

- I wanted to talk to you about that.
- What happened?

She's not my grandma.

What?

One day I helped her carry up
her shopping, I was flat-hunting,

she asked me if I wanted to stay,

one thing led to another, and now...

she thinks I'm her grandson.

Are you serious?

I save on rent money
by cleaning the house,

making the food,
doing the shopping,

I shower her...

It's quid pro quo, like us, right?

Let's piav.

You shower her every day?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, I'm not that fat!

- And my head's not that huge!
- Sure it isn't.

- Are you insinuating something?
- No, your tits are perfect.

You looked at my tits!

If we're discussing your tits,
I'll look at your tits.

If we're discussing your feet,
I'll look at your feet.

You did it again!

Can we stop talking about your tits
and talk about the screen?

We can.

Though your feet are pretty too,
I must say.

What do you like more,
my tits or my feet?

Your head.

And your ass.

Okay, I swallowed and breathed in,

but revenge is best served
on a cold plate.

- It doesn't go like that.
- Yes, it does.

No, it's "revenge is a dish
best served cold".

- Revenge is the dish.
- That's what I just said.

- No, you're mixing me up.
- Yes!

No, revenge is a dish,
it's the dish...

It's the dish you serve cold.

No, revenge is the dish
and you put it in the fridge.

What? The fridge?

What's up, lovebirds?

Why are you spying on your sister?

I'm checking that she's dating
handsome guys like you.

Cutie!

- This isn't a date, Alex.
- It looks like it.

- Working tomorrow?
- Yes, so are you.

Then we'll talk tomorrow.

The Swedish jobs registrations
come out tomorrow.

- Yes! Get to sleep!
-'Bye!

'Bye!

This isn't a date, is it?

This?

- I don't know.
- No.

We spent all evening
playing video games.

That's true.

- Not much of a date.
- No, no.

- Shall we meet tomorrow?
- Tomorrow.

Okay. We'll talk.

- Quid pro quo.
- Quid pro quo.

-'Bye.
-'Bye.

- You just made that up.
- No.

It's the typical thing
that everyone does,

but won't admit to it.

I don't know, Borja.

You've done it.

- No.
- Admit it.

- No!
- You've done it, admit it.

Okay, right...

Maybe one time,

just after the deed itself,

I did this with the duvet...

And?

And the smell reached me
and it didn't bother me.

You...

I liked it a little bit!

A lot! You liked it a lot!

I bet you breathed deep.

It's a "Dutch oven", everyone does it.

You know what a "Dutch oven" is?

You fart, cover yourself with
the duvet and make a microclimate.

- There you go.
- Welcome to the club.

Thanks.

- I'll just get your card...
- Thanks.

-...and you can sign it.
- And we'll fart to seal it.

- That's how you sign it.
- Oh, thanks.

- What's this?
- A surprise.

From Gagandeep and me.

Take that!

- But...?
- You can skip your diet today.

- Really?
- Sure.

A message from Gustavo,
Cristina Pi's friend.

He doesn't waste any time.

Hi, Mary, it's Gustavo.

Are you coming at 9
to Pablo's gallery opening?

I'd love to meet you. Big kiss.

- Now what do I do?
- Say yes.

But that's in an hour.

Say yes. Let me...

Send me the address
and I'll be there,

looking cute.

- Don't put that!
- I didn't.

Big kiss. And an emoticon.

- You like emoticons.
- Very much.

Well.

You've got it.

You'll be late. You have to go home,
get yourself pretty,

even prettier than now.

Thanks.

Put on earrings, perfume...

Leave the plaits,
you look cute with them.

- I look good in plaits?
- Yes.

Go on.

You're my champ, you can do it.

Another point on the list.
Come on.

You're doing your duty.

- Go on!
-'Bye!

"Bye.

PARTNER

...extremely beautiful,
but with a disconcerting depth.

What?

I am the artwork.

She's the artwork.

Very interesting... very good...

Gustavo,

I'm in front of a painting...

I suppose it's a uterus,
in theory, but...

I'm in a white dress,
with straps,

I'm in plaits...

And it all looks great on you.

Hi!

- Sorry. I saw you here...
- That's okay.

- Gustavo, right? Of course.
- Yes.

- How are you?
- Great.

- Nice space.
- Isn't it?

Yes.

Pablo chose the place well.

It was hard for him to decide,
but he got it right in the end.

- Do you know...?
- It just opened, didn't it?

No, I mean Pablo, Cris' husband.

Oh, sure.
No, I don't know him.

He's a charming guy.

Except when you beat him
at tennis.

We've got an amateur CHAMPIONSHIP,
a few FRIENDS after WORK,

a few games,
it does us the world of GOOD.

At some courts near HOME.

My BROTHER lives nearby
and sometimes he comes too.

He's an ace, I mean it.

I'm talking too much.
I'm a bit nervous.

It's my first blind date.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Mine too.
- Really?

- Yes.
- How about that! It's a tie.

- Well, deuce.
- What?

- Deuce, like in tennis.
- Deuce, of course.

- Shall we take a look?
- Okay.

Tell me about yourself.
Brothers and sisters?

- This is my favourite.
- Nice. What's the plant?

The sword oi Sam Aarch.

- Very nice.
- And this?

A new plant, my mother's.
Mari.

Isn't your mother called Luisa?

No, Mari is the plant!

Shall we get the Sandwiches
from the kitchen?

- Yes, sandwiches first!
- Let's go!

And get met a Fanta!

I'll put on the movie
and get the Costumes.

Marta, how do you know
if you really like someone?

- Do you want me to tell you?
- Keep your voice down!

Okay, if you really like someone

if that person makes you feel
like David the Gnome.

But David the Gnome is tiny.

But he's 7 times stronger than you!

Juanj0's mum's plant.

I wonder if it's the one
the hippies smoked in the 60s.

The artist wished to show
the void of the siren

as a reflection of our times.

The absence of the uterus
is the key to the artwork,

her hysterectomy a symbol of vacuous,
superficial Western consumerism.

Precisely.

You can see the influence
of François Mauvellet.

Correct.

If you'll accompany me,
we shall further appreciate...

I think the...

I didn't get it at all.

You didn't? Me neither!

- I don't get any of it.
- I see a fishbowl.

Sure, I'm nodding away,
and acting interested, but...

Excuse me.

No, we were just
discussing Mauvellet.

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

Let me introduce you.
Mary, Pablo.

- I don't know if you know each other.
- Hi. How are you?

- How are you?
- You're Cris' Pablo?

The very same.
Nice to meet you.

Sorry, I need to take him away
for a second, if you don't mind.

Of course.

I just need your help with a buyer
about tax deductions,

what you told me the other day,
I just don't understand it.

Mind if I go?

That's fine, I'll stay here
with the uteruses...

- Learn a lot, then tell me later.
- Okay.

- Don't go away.
- Yes.

Just a second, okay?

One, two, three... The uterus.

(TWILIGHT SCENE

This is about absence,
only smoke remains.

And the verticality is the abyss.

Excuse us.

No! That's the artwork!

Sure, if you look at it separately...

Mary, I'm here now.
Did they bring out the canapés? May I?

- Delicious!
- Yes.

It's got a dash of something...
Can't you taste it?

- Thanks for walking me.
- No trouble.

Thank you for coming.

It was fun in the end, wasn't it?

Yes, it was good.
We Iearnt some things.

As well.

About uteruses, where they are...

Maybe you knew better than I did.

Yes, especially my own.

It's here.

Oh, it's nice.

- You've got a singing neighbour.
- My brother.

- Really? He sings well.
- Doesn't he?

- Hi there!
- Hi.

Let me introduce a friend.

- How are you? I'm Gustavo.
- I'm Alex.

Nice to meet you.

Can I get your MP3?

Okay, in my night table,
in the drawer.

- By the way, how was your dinner?
- Great, thanks!

Cool.

Alex, great to meet you.
I hope we see each other again.

Maybe.

- Nice guy.
- He is nice, yes.

Your brother's very nice.

Yes, he's really happy
I'm staying for a few days.

No wonder.

Big sister at home.

Yes.

Well, I don't know, Mary...

I'd love to see you again.
I don't know if you...

Me too.

- Really?
- Yes, of course, yes.

We could go to Cris and Pablo's
baby shower, or...

'Yes'?

Yes. Well, they didn't mention it
to me...

No, you're coming with me,
don't worry.

Check, check, check, check...

I Satisfy them all.

- What are you looking at?
- Is this list on the level?

I don't know, I think so.

Why do you want to be normal?

That's what everyone wants.

I don't.

Well... to fit in.

You fit in here.

Sure, with you, but...

By the way, I know
when you really like someone.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

It's when they make you feel
like David the Gnome.

What?

7 times stronger.

-7 times?
- Sure!

- Come on.
- On three.

One, two, three!

Quick, quick!

Quick!

Take that!

Point!

Don't get too excited,
we're on 6-17-1.

Let's go over your list.

You've now got hobbies.

Bagpipes and puzzles...
I'm not so sure.

Playing with the console
is a hobby.

You've got a social life,
Cristina Pi,

you go to galleries,
you've got a job.

- Temporary job.
- Temporary is normal.

What you don't have is a partner.

Gustavo's around.

- But did anything happen?
- A shag? No way!

Until the third date, no partner.

But he might be.

Not until the third date.
It's a universal law.

I'm meeting him this week.
That'll be our second date.

Take that!

- No.
- Yes, a bet's a bet.

- You can't do this to me.
- Yes, yes I can.

- It's filthy.
- Yes, I can.

Be a man and get in there.
Go on.

- Now?
- Wait!

- I'm bored.
-3, 2, 1...

Dutch oven!

- That's gross!
- Hang on, we said 10 seconds.

- It's disgusting. I want to get out!
- No.

- It's horrible! What did you eat?
- Carrots.

- Gross!
- It's part of your diet.

This is the most intimate moment
I've had with anybody.

What are you doing?

- No, no...
- Yes.

- God!
- Now you hang on!

'Ha”9 on!
- No!

I ate tons of stuff!

- God, you've got Hell in there.
- I know.

If there's a Hell,
you have it inside you.

Thanks.

- If my kids catch me, I'll die.
- Aren't they working?

Quiet, it's starting.

Get it out.

- Here.
- A bit here, no?

A bit more?

- No, he said...
- This is very expensive.

That puts my teeth on edge.

Now.

Oh, he's got two kinds.

It's impossible,
I keep on dropping the filter.

If John from Prescott, Arkansas,
can do it, so can we.

I've got an idea.

JAMAICAN BROWNIES

INGREDIENTS

BUTTER

FLOUR

SUGAR

EGGS

CHOCOLATE

W ALNUT S

MARIJUANA

Butter, flour, eggs,

chocolate, walnuts... That's it.

Now a little grass...

More, put in more.

- Will we get high?
- Put it all in!

Sabina!

Sabina, Serrat.
Serrat, Sabina.

I think Serrat and Sabina
are the same person.

I think before I'm 60
I want to get it off with a black guy,

like the guy from "The Intouchables",
very firm, very black.

Black.

- But with really white teeth.
- White.

Who was the actor in "The Intouchables"?

I'll look it up
in my multimedia device...

- Look, your boyfriend's name is Omar.
- What boyfriend?

Omar, your black boyfriend.

- Omar Sy, I can't say it.
- Omar Sharif f!

- Why not?
- Omar Sy.

How nice.

What about you?
You're not saying anything.

- Me?
- Your wishes, Barbara.

What do you wish for?

To tell my kids I'm sorry
for being a bad mother.

This marijuana is...

Vanilla biscuits,
they'll be over the moon!

This girl won't make me rich.

Gustavo! Hi, how are you?

I'm so tied up here...

Cristina's baby shower was today?

No, sure I remember.
Just kidding.

I got a present,
it's just gorgeous.

No, it's a surprise.

Okay, see you later.
Big hug, "bye.

- Have we got anything for babies?
- Well...

Shall I buy you this outfit?

Thank you so much.
You didn't have to.

- It's lovely.
- Isn't it? It's like...

- We love it, don't we?
- We love it!

- Thanks a lot.
- It's a trifle.

She chose it,
she's just being modest.

I've never seen one this shape before.

The things they make for babies
these days, it's amazing.

Listen, a toast to the cooks.

I brought a fabulous wine.

- Here.
- Let's do it. Cheers!

SOCIAL LIFE

So, what do you do?

I work in marketing.
A biscuit company.

Teo tried them and he loves them.

- They're for dogs.
- They're for dogs?

No! I mean, yes and no.

They're biscuits for both
human and canine consumption.

- Since the dog is man's best friend...
- Sure.

And Teds med them?
- Y es.

It's all the rage.
They give kids dog biscuits.

Dog biscuits aren't for dogs,
they're for dogs and kids.

The slogan is
"Biscuits for everyone".

- I love it.
- Yes.

My firm?

Prats-McDougall.
Prats was my grandfather,

and McDougall a Scot who drank
a ton of whisky.

I've always thought the mood
in the FIRM is so good

because we're like FAMILY.

We travel, play sport TOGETHER...

I don't know if Gustavo told you,
we play tennis.

You must come one day,
you'd LOVE it.

We do Pilates TOGETHER,
it's amazing, your "power house",

they show you how to breathe,
to do this thing with your arms,

you get rid of WORK stress,
you feel better

and you can do it at HOME,
right, honey?

Yes, I had no nausea,
my HUSBAND was delighted,

and I worked up until
a month before the birth.

Actually,
I didn't want to get pregnant,

then my PARENTS helped me out
so much, they're essential.

I'm going to make some Cocktails
with an imported gin I got.

Delicious, you'll see.

- Like that?
- Yes!

- Do you know where it all is?
- Yes.

- Your schoolmate.
- Who?

You always tell that anecdote
aboutherdance,

some choreography
for the end-of-year dance,

and bam!

- Bam?
- She cut off a student's finger!

Yes!

You don't know,
you weren't there.

You've told me 20 times.

- Cut off a finger with what?
- Sliced it with a katana!

No one would dance with her,
so they got two primary schoolers,

she looked like Snow White
and two dwarves...

- Isn't it a terrific story?
- Terrific.

What did you call her?
Wait, wait...

The Samurai.

The Samurai, yes.

Got any dill?

I don't know...

Never mind, I'll make gin and tonics
with cardamom and a little...

Peppen

Where's the bathroom?

- On the left, down the end.
- Okay.

Are you alright?

What is it?

What?

What's wrong?

- No!
- Quiet.

- No!
- What is it?

She's The Samurai.

- No.
- I swear.

- That's it.
- Fucking hell.

TRANSFER REQUEST

HUGE PARTY

Wes?
'B°Ua?

Mary, I can't hear you,
I'm at a party.

I didn't know you had a party.

Yes, with some people from work.

I'll go outside a moment.
Be right back, guys!

If it's a bother, I'll call later.

- I can't hear you well.
- If it's...

We're at a birthday party
for a girlfriend of a guy at work,

all her girl friends are here,
it's a huge party.

Oh, okay.

How's your date?

It's not a date,
it's some friends meeting up,

remembering old times,
having fun.

Right.

I'm having lots of fun too.

In fact, it's been ages
since I had so much fun.

It's been months
since I had this much fun.

Years for me.

Like 10 years, for me.

I think it's the greatest night
of my life.

Shall we do something tomorrow?

I can't, I've got... this thing.

Okay. Alright.

- Alright.
- Okay.

- We'll talk.
- Right then.

"Bye.

"Bye.

I'm an idiot.

You really cut off his finger?

Bone and everything?

The whole digit.

Well...

I hope if I misbehave,
you won't do the same to me.

No, of course not.

Which finger was it?

This one.

What do you do with this?
Nothing.

You can't point, but...

- But you've got more.
- Four more.

You can't touch, that's true.

Like this.

Good evening.

Hey, champ.

You're bothering the neighbours.
It's late!

Alex!

Is he annoyed about something?

I don't know.

Well...

- Sorry.
- No, it's okay.

Do I call you?
Shall we meet up this week?

Okay.

- Great.
- Yes.

- Anyway, sleep well.
- You too.

- Give your brother a kiss.
- Okay.

CAN YOU TALK?

REQUEST, TRANSFER TO STOCKHOLM

VALIDATE

Your attention.
This centre opens in 10 minutes.

Your friend brought you some balloons.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I'd go if I were you.

Wait.

Are you angry with me?

No, I'm busy
with the Stockholm thing.

You're going?

If they choose me.

There's nothing the matter?

It's great you found helium.

We had lots of balloons
to blow up.

Now what do we do?

What the Argentine teacher said.

What was that?

Get a marker pen

and write down everything
that annoys you about your life.

What if nothing annoys you?

Nothing annoys you?

That's lucky.

Shall we do it?

Go on.

Okay.

LONELINESS

FEAR

FAT

REJECUON

SHOUTING

BLOWS

GUILT

I'm sorry.

I love you so much.

Are you alright?

Yes.

If you go to Stockholm, I'll miss you.

SONGS FOR WHEN MUM IS SAD

Almost at the end of side B.

Super Secret Radio 9.0 here.

For a special listener
who came on a spaceship.

Älex, Mom didn't come
on a spaceship.

For a special listener,

she's cool in the pool!

1, 2, 3, we love you, Mum!

I love you, Mum.

I love you too, my girl.

Sorry I was a bad daughter

and didn't help you with Dad.

It was my fault for loving him

and staying in love with him.

You look lovely
with your hair down.

What are you doing here?
I was looking for you!

FAMILY LIFE

We were talking.

About time, that's great.

What about you?

- I want to tell you something.
- What?

I've got a boyfriend.

Really?

- What's his name?
- Juanjo.

Juanjo?

- When do we meet him?
- I don't know.

Let's go have dinner,
the three of us.

- Now?
- Yes.

I can't, I'm meeting someone.

30th?

Before working with the carbonics
we have to cool the glass.

Oh, sorry.

No problem.

Does anyone know
the basic component of tonic?

Quinine.

Tonic's basic component
is quinine,

which appear during
the English Colonization of India.

The best is yet to come.
Taste it!

Alcohol doesn't sit right with me.

It's time to start the tasting.

Start with the first mix.
You've put in the pepper?

Try a tiny sip-

The pepper lodges
in the upper palate,

spicy at first,
then diluting in the palate.

It gives it a freshness, doesn't it?

Now the third, with the ginger.

Okay. Don't swallow!

I want you to feel the freshness,
to see how the ginger...

JOB

HOME

PARTNER

SOCIAL LIFE

HOBBIES

FAMILY LIFE

BE HAPPY

Excuse me a moment!

- Can I ask a favour?
- Yes.

Can you stand here? Look.

JOB

HOME

PARTNER

SOCIAL LIFE

HOBBIES

FAMILY LIFE

BE HAPPY

Is this list on the level?

I don't think so.

So, dill, Cucumber, right?

- Ginger.
- Ginger.

And depending on if
you put in cardamom...

Gustavo.

Do you have fun with me?

Of course I have fun.

Even though I don't perceive
the floral nuances?

Well, it's your first class.
Our first time was...

And if I say we bought Cristina's son
a Chihuahua outfit?

And I like farting
under the blanket?

Yes, yes! That's fine, Mary.

It's just... everyone's looking
at us a bit strangely and...

Sorry, what was your name?

- Manuel.
- You look familiar.

Weren't you Argentinean?

Yes, the laughter therapy's
a second job.

I get paid more
as an Argentinean.

And a great teacher, I'm sure.

Gustavo, you're so nice.

You're like the perfect guy,

the kind of guy
a normal girl would dream of.

Well...

But I'm The Samurai.

At 15 I cut off the finger
of a primary schooler with a katana.

My mentally handicapped brother
knows more about life than me.

It's taken me 10 years
to tell my mum I love her,

and I'm in love with a fat redhead
who lives with his grandma,

who's not even his grandma,
and I fart under blankets with him.

That's nice.

Thanks for everything, Gustavo.

You too, for coming and...

No, you even more.

You can taste the cardamom.

Chihuahua...

Weirdo.

Borja Santaolalla,

your presence is required
in the kitchen section, please.

I WANT...

...A THIRD...

...DATE.

I want a third date with you,

and if you like,
I'd love a pizza with you here.

But if I had to go to Stockholm,
I wouldn't mind,

I'd catch a plane,
go and eat Swedish pizza,

buy anoraks with those duck feathers.
I've seen them, they're fantastic.

- A bit expensive, but good.
- Sorry...

Can you...

repeat...

what you said?

- Which part?
- The beginning.

The pizza thing?

I said pizza because

the first day we had...

the day we met we had a date.

Was it a date?

Yes.

Then on our first date
we had pizza and...

I've realized how much I like you.

How long do we have
before you go to Stockholm?

I'm not going.

- Alex told me they chose you.
- But I'm not going.

I'm staying.

Come on.
I want to show you something.

Remember the day we met?

I'm looking for
a bulb for my desk lamp,

but I'm not sure what light
these give off exactly.

So to tell we should
be in darkness here, right?

I mean, all those lamps
should be off

and we turn it on and off
to tell the difference.

Do you know what I mean?

- How about this one?
- It's my favourite.

- Really?
- Yes.

Then it's yours.

REQUIREMENTS TO BE A NORMAL PERSON

READ IN SWEDISH

EAT ICE CREAM

DANCE

HAVE GIGGLE ATTACKS

DO A STRIPTEASE

Take it all off!