Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NEW LINE HOME VIDEO

[GERMAN ACCENT] HELLO, MOVIEGOERS.

I AM DR. ARNOLD QUACKENSHAW,

AND I AM HERE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU

THE WONDROUS SCREEN GIMMICK, ODORAMA.

ODORAMA WILL ENABLE YOU, THE VIEWER,

TO ACTUALLY SMELL, RIGHT FROM YOUR MOVIE SEAT,

SOME OF LIFE'S MOST FRAGRANT ODORS.

THE PRODUCERS OF THIS FILM HAVE UNSELFISHLY

SPENT UNTOLD MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

TO DEVELOP THIS STARTLING PROCESS.

AND I, I HAVE BEEN LOCKED AWAY FOR MANY YEARS

IN THE LABORATORY

EXPERIMENTING WITH THIS MIND-BOGGLING PROJECT.

I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU

SOME OF MY RESEARCH.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST OF ALL,

THIS...IS THE NOSE.

THE MOST PROMINENT PART OF THE HUMAN FACE.

IT BEARS THE NOSTRILS,

UNDCOVERS THE NASAL PASSAGES.

WE ALL HAVE ONE, THIS NOSE, CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL--

SNEEZER, SCHNOZ, BEAK, SMELLER, SNOUT, SCHNOOT--

IT ALL MEANS THE SAME THING.

THROUGH THIS NOSE COMES

SOME OF LIFE'S MOST REWARDING SENSATIONS,

UNDWE PLAN TO SHARE WITH YOU

SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ODORS KNOWN TO MANKIND.

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS SAME NOSE

IS ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING US SOME ODORS

THAT ARE RATHER REPULSIVE.

WE HAVE NOT SHIED AWAY FROM THIS DISTRESSING FACT.

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE SOME ODORS

THAT MAY SHOCK YOU,

BUT THE PRODUCERS OF THIS FILM BELIEVE

THAT TODAY'S AUDIENCES ARE MATURE ENOUGH

TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SOME THINGS IN LIFE

JUST PLAIN STINK.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, THIS IS THE PRODUCT

OF OUR ENDLESS EXPERIMENTATION,

MMM, THE ODORAMA CARD.

THE CARD IS ACTUALLY QUITE SIMPLE TO OPERATE.

JUST LISTEN CAREFULLY UNDFOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS.

WHEN A NUMBER APPEARS ON THE SCREEN,

THAT IS YOUR SIGNAL TO SCRATCH AND TO SNIFF

THE SAME NUMBER ON YOUR ODORAMA CARD.

MMM.

JA,HMM?

LOOK, USE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SCRATCH IT.

USE A KEY, A COIN. USE YOUR FINGERNAIL.

HMM, NUMBER ONE...AH!

NOW, SNIFF IT, NUMBER ONE.

THERE, SEE, YOU GET IT? YOU SMELL IT, EH?

IT WORKS. BY GOD, IT ACTUALLY WORKS!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS ODORAMA.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS ODORAMA.

[MUSIC STARTS]

[MUSIC STARTS]

♪♪ SEE THE HOUSES ♪♪

♪♪ LOOK AT THE TREES SWAYING ♪♪

♪♪ IN THE COOL BREEZE ♪♪

♪♪ MM-HMM ♪♪

♪♪ ♪♪ OH, WHAT A LOVELY STREET

♪♪ IT'S THE DEAD END ♪♪

♪♪ HEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON IN ♪♪

♪♪ HEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON IN ♪♪

♪♪ FRENCH PROVINCIAL ♪♪

♪♪ THEY DO THEIR BEST ♪♪

♪♪ TO STAY NEUTRAL ♪♪

♪♪ AND EXPRESSIONLESS ♪♪

♪♪ UH-HUH ♪♪

♪♪ COME ON UPSTAIRS ♪♪

♪♪ MEET YOUR POLYESTER QUEEN ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ YOU KNOW ABOUT ABUNDANT WOMEN ♪♪

♪♪ WELL, THIS GIRL ONLY AIMS TO PLEASE ♪♪

♪♪ OUTSIDE THERE'S A LOAD OF NOISY NEIGHBORS ♪♪

♪♪ UPSTAIRS THERE'S A POLYESTER SQUEEZE ♪♪

♪♪ POLYESTER ♪♪

♪♪ THIS IS YOUR LIFE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ SMELL THE FRAGRANT PERFUMED MEAT ♪♪

♪♪ DARLING, IN MY DREAMS ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE THE POLYESTER QUEEN ♪♪

♪♪ PURELY POLYESTER QUEEN ♪♪

♪♪ PURELY POLYESTER FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ PURELY POLYESTER FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ PURELY POLYESTER QUEEN ♪♪

♪♪ PURELY POLYESTER FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ OH, FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ OH, FRANCINE ♪♪

All: DOWN WITH SMUT! DOWN WITH SMUT!

OH!

All: DOWN WITH SMUT! DOWN WITH SMUT!

[ALL YELLING]

[ALL YELLING]

[YELLING]

SMUT KING!

YOU BOUGHT THIS HOUSE

WITH THE PROFITS OF PORNO!

[PEOPLE YELLING]

OH!

ALL THE CHILDREN ARE GOING TO HELL

BECAUSE OF YOUR THEATER.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY TO HIM?

CHILDREN UNDER 12, $1.50.

PLEASE SHOWBENJI! PLEASE SHOW G-RATED MOVIES!

GARBAGE AND FILTH!

ELMER, THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME.

GET OFF OF ME!

WHY HAVEN'T YOU NOTIFIED THE PRESS?

THINK OF THE PUBLICITY!

THE THEATER WILL BE PACKED TOMORROW NIGHT.

ELMER! PLEASE DON'T CALL THE PRESS.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH ALREADY.

ALL THE NEIGHBORHOOD WOMEN SPIT AT ME

WHEN I'M IN THE SHOPPING MALL.

YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THE SHOPPING MALL

IF IT WASN'T FOR MY THEATER.

HELLO? CHANNEL 12 NEWS?

THIS IS ELMER FISHPAW, 538 WYMAN WAY.

I'M THE OWNER OF THE CHARLES ART THEATER.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEND

A MINI-CAM CREW OUT TO MY HOME.

MINI-CAM?! ELMER, PLEASE!

THE CITIZENS FOR DECENT FILMS

ARE VIOLENTLY DEMONSTRATING ON MY FRONT LAWN.

Protestors: ...HATE FILTH!

ELMER, THERE ARE MORE OF THEM OUT THERE.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE

IN CHURCH AGAIN!

I'LL BE EXCOMMUNICATED BECAUSE OF YOU!

STOP THAT YAMMERING AND FIX ME A DRINK.

Man: WHAT DO WE LOVE?

Protesters: DECENCY!

Man: WHAT DO WE HATE?

Protestors: FILTH!

DOWN WITH SMUT!

HERE, BONKERS. HERE, BONKERS.

AW, HERE'S LITTLE BONKERS.

BONKERS IS DADDY'S LITTLE BABY.

BONKERS KNOWS WHO'S BOSS

IN THIS HOUSE. YEAH, BONKERS.

GIVE ME A LITTLE KISS, BONKERS.

THAT A LITTLE DOGGIE. LITTLE DOGGIE!

YOU ARE SO CUTE, BONKERS.

OH, ELMER, THAT DOG STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN.

YOU'LL BE PERMEATED BY HIS ODOR.

YEAH? WELL, THIS WHOLE WORLD STINKS, FRANCINE,

SO, GET USED TO IT.

YOU AND THAT BIG NOSE OF YOURS

ARE STARTING TO GET ON MY NERVES.

SNORTING AROUND THE PLACE

LIKE A GODDAMN ANTEATER.

I'VE ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU.

GIVE ME THAT DRINK!

YES, DEAR.

HURRY UP!

[DOG WHINING]

Protestor: WHAT DO WE HATE?

Group: FILTH!

[RING RING RING]

LU-LU, DINNER'S READY!

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.

[RING RING RING]

DEXTER, HONEY, DINNER'S ON THE TABLE.

OHH.

OHH.

MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

[RING RING RING]

ELMER, DINNER'S SERVED.

I'M IN HERE WAITING FOR IT!

OH.

[BELL RINGING]

[PROTESTORS CHANTING]

ELMER, LET'S TRY AND HAVE A PLEASANT FAMILY DINNER.

LET'S TRY TO BE KIND TO THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY.

I'LL TRY, FRANCINE,

BUT DON'T GO RILING ME UP.

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WITH CARE,

AND I WON'T GET RILED.

YES, DEAR.

OH, LU-LU, YOUR HAIR LOOKS SO PRETTY.

I KNOW.

DEXTER, DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK, HONEY?

SURE, SURE.

CAN WE SAY GRACE? CAN WE AT LEAST DO THAT?

Francine and kids: BLESS US, O LORD, AND THESE THY GIFTS

WHICH WE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE FROM THY BOUNTY,

THROUGH CHRIST OUR LORD. AMEN.

THROUGH CHRIST OUR LORD. AMEN.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DON'T ANSWER IT!

Lu-Lu: IT'S A TV CREW!

I'LL HANDLE THAT. YOU ALL STAY HERE.

OH!

MR. FISHPAW, WOULD YOU STEP OUT, PLEASE?

WHY, CERTAINLY.

[BOOING]

HA HA HA!

MR. FISHPAW, I'M JERRY HALLER

FROM CHANNEL 12 NEWS.

I WAS WONDERING, COULD YOU MAKE A COMMENT

ON THIS DEMONSTRATION

AGAINST YOUR X-RATED MOVIE THEATER?

I'LL SHOW ANY MOVIE I WANNA SHOW.

THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY, ISN'T IT?

OUR CURRENT ATTRACTION IS MY BURNING BUSH.

WE HAVE SHOWS DAILY AT 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00

AND 10:00!

[LAUGHING]

LEAVE US ALONE! PLEASE, LEAVE US ALONE!

MY FAMILY HASN'T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU.

[LAUGHING]

I'M A GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN!

[EXCITED CHATTER AND BOOS]

OH! OH! OH!

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

Man: 2-4-6-8!

Man: 2-4-6-8!

OHH.

ALL THAT FREE PUBLICITY.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE 11:00 NEWS.

EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME?

WHAT THE HELL?

EXCUSE ME, MY NAME'S FREDDY ASHTON.

I'M SORRY IF I CAUGHT YOU AT A BAD TIME.

I HAVE A DATE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER, LU-LU.

SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT A DATE.

IT IS A SCHOOL NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

YES, MA'AM, I KNOW.

WE'RE GOING TO WORK ON OUR TERMS PAPERS TOGETHER,

DOWN AT THE LIBRARY.

YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS, FRANCINE.

I'M GONNA FIX MYSELF A BIG DRINK

AND GET INTO BED.

I'VE GOT A BIG DAY

COUNTING MONEY TOMORROW.

NICE MEETING YOU, MR. FISHPAW.

HAVE A NICE NIGHT!

[GROAN]

I THINK IT'S DISGRACEFUL

THE WAY YOUR NEIGHBORS ACT, MRS. FISHPAW.

VERY KIND OF YOU TO SAY SO, FREDDY.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I DIDN'T GET YOUR LAST NAME?

ASHTON.

YOU'RE NOT BY ANY CHANCE A FRIEND

OF BO-BO BELSINGER'S, ARE YOU?

YOU SEE, LU-LU'S FORBIDDEN TO SEE HIM.

Freddy: OH, NO, MA'AM.

OOH. AHH.

HI, FREDDY.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT OUTFIT?

I BORROWED IT. DO YOU LIKE IT?

THAT'S A NEW GARMENT, LU-LU.

I CAN SMELL IT.

HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPLIFTING AGAIN?

I BOUGHT IT WITH MONEY I SAVED.

WHAT MONEY? YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

BOYS AT SCHOOL GIVE ME MONEY.

FOR WHAT?

FOR DANCING AT LUNCH PERIOD!

YOU DANCE LEWDLY FOR THE BOYS

AT LUNCH PERIOD?

FOR A QUARTER I WILL.

STOP THAT DANCING!

DON'T BE UPSET, MRS. FISHPAW.

PUBERTY BRINGS ON STRANGE BEHAVIOR

IN ADOLESCENCE.

I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER.

HAVE A NICE NIGHT!

YES...OH.

YES...OH.

GOOD-BYE, CHILDREN.

DON'T BE LATE, IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

FREDDY, DRIVE CAREFULLY.

LU-LU, YOU HAVE 15 CENTS TO CALL HOME--

I SURE DO! [GIGGLE]

WELL, BE A GOOD GIRL. BYE!

WELL, BE A GOOD GIRL. BYE!

LU-LU, YOU LOOK SO NICE, TONIGHT.

OH, FREDDY, YOU'RE SO POLITE.

OH, FREDDY, YOU'RE SO POLITE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SUCH FUN.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SUCH FUN.

OK, BIRD-BRAIN, IT'S GONNA COST YOU 10 BUCKS.

PULL DOWN BY THE GOLF COURSE.

LU-LU, DON'T TRY TO SHOCK ME,

'CAUSE IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

WE'RE GOING TO LIBRARY TO STUDY.

TOO CHEAP, HUH? COME ON, GET TO THE JOINT.

LU-LU, STAY ON YOUR SIDE!

GIVE IT SOME GAS! GIVE IT SOME GAS!

GIVE IT SOME GAS! GIVE IT SOME GAS!

SEE YOU LATER, CHUMP.

[GIGGLING] BO-BO!

BO-BO!

BO-BO!

[KISSING SOUND]

LU-LU, WE'D BETTER BE GETTING TO THE LIBRARY.

YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE WITH THIS LITTLE LADY, FAGGOT!

I BELIEVE I HAD A DATE WITH HER, BO-BO.

GET LOST, MORON!

[SCREECHING]

[SCREECHING]

SEE YOU LATER, FREDDY!

ALL RIGHT, GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!

WHOO!

YEAH, SHAKE IT ALL! COME ON, GET DOWN!

HOT DAMN, YEAH!

SHAKE IT, LU-LU!

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

WHOO! OH! OH!

COME ON, YEAH.

COME ON, GIRL.

WHOO!

HEY, HEY, LOOK WHAT I GOT.

ALL RIGHT!

LET'S GO DOWNTOWN AND PLAY SOME POOL!

WHOO!

WHOO! WHOO! YEAH-HA!

WHOO! WHOO! YEAH-HA!

[CURSING IN HEBREW]

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

[CURSING IN CHINESE]

[CURSING IN CHINESE]

WHITE HONKY!

YOU CRAZY CRACKER!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE CHILDREN OF TODAY?

DON'T HE KNOW HE JUST HIT

ONE OF THE SISTERS OF THE CHURCH?

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF WHAT THESE CHILDREN ARE DOING--

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF WHAT THESE CHILDREN ARE DOING--

[DRIVER YELLING]

[DRIVER YELLING]

[ALL YELLING]

[ALL YELLING]

[SCREECHING STOP]

[SCREECHING STOP]

[RIDERS SCREAMING]

[RIDERS SCREAMING]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING!

[POP]

[POP]

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

HELP! HELP!

HEY, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

[PLEASURABLE MOANING]

OH, DON'T STOP. MMM.

TV: BALTIMORE POLICE TODAY REPORTED

THEY HAD NO SUSPECTS IN THE BALTIMORE FOOT STOMPER CASE.

DESCRIBED AS A THIN, WHITE TEENAGE MALE,

THE STOMPER STRUCK TWICE THIS WEEK

SERIOUSLY INJURING THE FEET OF 2 BALTIMORE WOMEN.

COME ON! WHERE'S MY FOOTAGE?

TV: MISS BETTY LAZINSKI,

A WAITRESS AT THE WHITE COFFEE POT RESTAURANT,

WAS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL TODAY

AND TALKED WITH CHANNEL 12 NEWS.

AND TALKED WITH CHANNEL 12 NEWS.

SOME PEOPLE THINK THIS IS FUNNY,

BUT I HAVE 3 BROKEN TOES TO SHOW FOR IT.

DID THE STOMPER SAY ANYTHING?

COME ON! COME ON! WHERE'S MY FOOTAGE?!

HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING. HE JUST STOMPED ON MY FOOT!

IN OTHER NEWS...

SHUT UP! HERE IT IS.

...PICKETED THE HOME OF MR. ELMER FISHPAW TODAY.

MR. FISHPAW IS THE OWNER OF THE CHARLES ART THEATER,

A LOCAL X-RATED MOVIE HOUSE.

2-4-6-8, X-RATED MOVIES WE ALL HATE!

1-3-5-9, G-RATED MOVIES ARE MIGHTY FINE!

THE PICKETS, LED BY MRS. JEANETTE SMISE OF TOWNSEND,

FEEL HE SHOULD CHANGE THE THEATER'S POLICY

BY SHOWING ONLY "G" RATED FAMILY MOVIES.

WELL, HIS THEATER CATERS TO SEX OFFENDERS.

WE VISITED THE CHARLES ART THEATER TODAY,

BUT WERE UNABLE TO FIND A TICKET BUYER

WILLING TO BE INTERVIEWED ON CAMERA.

SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMMENT

ON THE MOVIE YOU'VE JUST SEEN?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, PARDON ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMMENT ON THE MOVIE?

EXCUSE ME, SIR. PARDON ME, SIR, WOULD--

PARDON ME, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE

TO COMMENT ON THE MOVIE?

MR. FISHPAW WHEN CONTACTED BY CHANNEL 12 NEWS...

HERE I AM!

...RESPONDED TO THE PROTESTORS.

I THINK THAT MY THEATER HELPS STOP RAPE.

MRS. FISHPAW, HOWEVER,

REFUSED TO TALK WITH REPORTERS.

NO! NO! NO!

OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED.

HA HA HA!

IN OTHER NEWS,

A MEMBER OF THE CHARLES MANSON FAMILY ESCAPED TODAY

FROM THE CALIFORNIA INSTITUTE FOR WOMEN

AT FRONTERA, CALIFORNIA.

THAT'S ALL?!

SHE WAS IDENTIFIED AS--

THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THE SHOWTIME.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED.

YELLOW JOURNALISM, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

OH, GOD. IT'S NOT FAIR.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

SAYING MY PRAYERS, ELMER.

ASKING GOD TO FORGIVE YOU

FOR SHOWING DIRTY MOVIES.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

I GOT A GODDAMN NUN FOR A WIFE.

I GOT A GODDAMN NUN FOR A WIFE.

NO, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

[SIGH] OH.

[SIGH] OH.

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

[PASSES GAS]

OH!

OH!

OHH.

OHH...OHH, OH, SANDRA.

OH, SANDRA! EASY--EASY, SAN--

EASY SANDRA!

SANDRA?

OH! OH, HO HO HO!

OH, OH...GRR.

SANDRA...

SANDRA...

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

THE WHITE TABLES MOTEL?!

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[BUZZING]

[BUZZING]

GET UP, FRANCINE, YOU BIG OAF!

I WANT SOME BREAKFAST.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

TIME TO GET THAT FAT ASS OUT OF BED,

THAT'S WHAT TIME IT IS.

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO FIX MY OWN CEREAL!

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO FIX MY OWN CEREAL!

BLEAH!

YOU PIG!

YOU'RE THE PIG!

YOU'RE THE PIG!

SIT UP STRAIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU LET THAT HAIR GROW, BOY?

YOU LOOK LIKE A FRUIT WITH THAT SHORT HAIR.

WHY DON'T YOU DROP DEAD?

HA HA HA!

YOU'RE JUST ASKING FOR IT.

Lu-Lu: HA HA HA!

HOW'S MY BABY DOING IN SCHOOL?

I LEARNED ALL ABOUT MY CERVIX

IN SEX EDUCATION CLASS YESTERDAY.

I GOTTA GO.

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO.

GOOD MORNING, DARLING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I SLEPT SO LATE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SEE YOU LATER.

I GOT A BUSY DAY.

OH, ELMER!

OH, ELMER!

[DOG GROWLING]

[RUFF]

[GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

FRANCINE?

FRANCINE?

I'M IN THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM, MOTHER.

I'M IN THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM, MOTHER.

CAN'T YOU DO THAT LATER?

I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY, YOU KNOW.

I'M MISSING VALUABLE SHOPPING TIME.

MOTHER, PLEASE, I'LL BE OUT IN A SECOND.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU BOTHER.

YOU'VE ALWAYS RETAINED YOUR FLUIDS.

YOU'VE ALWAYS RETAINED YOUR FLUIDS.

HELLO, MOTHER.

UHH.

GOOD LORD, FRANCINE.

YOU'VE PUT ON ANOTHER 20 POUNDS!

AVOIR,HEINTZ.

SHOULD I GO TO THE LAUNDROMAT NOW, MADAME,

OR WAIT FOR YOU?

YOU CAN GO NOW, HEINTZ.

I'LL [PRESSES BEEPER] IF I NEED YOU.

AS YOU WISH, MADAME.

OH, IT'S CUDDLES.

GOOD LORD, FRANCINE.

DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK

TO LET RETARDED PEOPLE IN YOUR HOME?

CALL ME A CAB, THIS INSTANT.

BUT, MOTHER, SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

YOUR BEST FRIEND?!

SHE WAS YOUR CLEANING LADY, FRANCINE.

ARE YOU THAT UNPOPULAR

THAT YOU SEEK OUT THE SOCIAL COMPANY

OF YOUR MAID?

BUT SHE'S NOT A MAID ANYMORE, MOTHER.

SHE INHERITED A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY

FROM A FAMILY SHE USED TO WORK FOR.

MONEY OR NOT--OH, THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL!

SHE WAS A SCRUB WOMAN!

GIVE HER CAR FARE, A HAM AT EASTER,

BUT FOR GOD'S SAKES, DON'T HANG AROUND WITH HER!

ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A CAB,

OR DO I HAVE TO WALK?

YES, MOTHER.

YES, MOTHER.

GOOD GOD.

HI, FRANCINE.

HI, CUDDLES.

YOU REMEMBER MY MOTHER, LA RUE?

ENCHANTE.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

OFF WORK SO EARLY? SCRUBBED OUT

ANY INTERESTING TOILETS LATELY?

[HORN HONKS] MOTHER, PLEASE.

THANK GOD, MY CAB.

THANK GOD, MY CAB.

OH, CUDDLES, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

FRANCINE, I'M IN A HEAVENLY MOOD TODAY.

I JUST GOT MY SECOND INSTALLMENT

OF MY INHERITANCE.

LET'S CELEBRATE.

THAT CALLS FOR A BIG LUNCH.

YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY!

YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY!

THIS HOUSE IS JUST LIKE ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST,

FRANCINE.

THANK YOU, CUDDLES.

OH, CUDDLES, I'VE BEEN SO DEPRESSED LATELY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD GET OUT MORE.

BACHELOR COTILLIONS, PARTIES, COUNTRY CLUBS.

I'VE BEEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD LATELY

WITH MY DEBUTANTE PARTY COMING UP.

OH, CUDDLES, YOU'RE TOO OLD

TO BE A DEBUTANTE.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE INHERITED A LOT OF MONEY

DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU'RE SUDDENLY

SOCIALLY PROMINENT.

I'VE ALREADY RENTED THE HALL, FRANCINE.

NOVEMBER THE TENTH.

IT WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL AFFAIR.

EVERY LITTLE DETAIL WILL BE PERFECT.

I WISH I COULD BE MORE LIKE YOU, CUDDLES.

ALWAYS OPTIMISTIC.

I LOOK INTO MY FUTURE AND ALL I SEE

IS A LONG, DARK HIGHWAY,

FILLED WITH ENDLESS TOLL BOOTHS

AND NO EXITS.

I'LL BE QUITE BLUNT WITH YOU, CUDDLES.

I THINK MY MARRIAGE IS ON THE ROCKS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

HELLO, MRS. FISHPAW? THIS IS SANDRA SULLIVAN,

YOUR HUSBAND'S SECRETARY.

ELMER ASKED ME TO CALL YOU AND LET YOU KNOW

THAT HE WON'T BE COMING HOME TONIGHT.

HE'S BEEN CALLED OUT OF TOWN ON BUSINESS.

I SEE. I SEE. THANK YOU.

[SOBS]

[SOBS]

SHE FELL FOR IT.

OH, GOD, WHAT SHE MUST LOOK LIKE.

WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF HER?

OH, GOD, YES.

[SNIGGERING]

THIS I GOT TO SEE.

THE BITTER TRUTH.

[GASPS, LAUGHS]

ELMER, SHE'S AN ABSOLUTE COW!

HELLO! [LAUGHS]

HELLO! [LAUGHS]

ELMER, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.

ELMER, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE?

YES, SIRREE. ORAL CONTRACEPTIVES.

THEY'LL SUPPRESS MY OVULATIONS THROUGH HORMONES.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, SANDRA.

[SANDRA SQUEALS]

I GOT CONDOMS.

RED-HOT PROPHYLACTICS.

BLACK, YOUR FAVORITE COLOR.

OH, GO, HONEY!

OH, ELMER, YOU DO THAT SO GOOD.

COME ON, HONEY. MOVE FOR ME, BABY.

MAYBE HE REALLY DID GO OUT OF TOWN, FRANCINE.

NO. NO, HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH HIS SECRETARY, AND I HAVE THE PROOF.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN HIS POCKET.

A MASTERCHARGE RECEIPT, DATED YESTERDAY.

FROM THE WHITE GABLES MOTEL!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'LL GET IT, FRANCINE.

ELLO-HAY?

OLD-HAY ON-AY.

FOR YOU, FRANCINE.

OH.

OH.

HELLO?

MRS. FISHPAW? THIS IS MR. KIRK,

PRINCIPAL OF OVERLEE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

HELLO, MR. KIRK.

IS DEXTER ILL TODAY?

WHY, NO, MR. KIRK. DEXTER'S IN SCHOOL.

I'M AFRAID HE'S NOT, MRS. FISHPAW.

DEXTER'S TRUANCY PROBLEM IS WAY OUT OF HAND.

AND THE BALTIMORE COUNTY SCHOOL BOARD

HAVE DECIDED TO EXPEL DEXTER

FROM THE ENTIRE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM.

WHY, MR. KIRK, I'M AS UPSET AS YOU

TO LEARN OF DEXTER'S TRUANCY.

BUT SURELY EXPULSION IS NOT THE ANSWER!

I'M AFRAID EXPULSION IS THE ONLY ANSWER.

IT IS THE OPINION OF THE ENTIRE STAFF

THAT DEXTER IS CRIMINALLY INSANE,

AND A HAZARD TO THE SAFETY

OF THE OTHER STUDENTS.

WE HAVE NO CHOICE. I'M SORRY.

GOOD DAY, MRS. FISHPAW.

HELLO? HELLO?!

HELLO? HELLO?!

DEXTER'S BEEN EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL!

FOR WHAT?

FOR TRUANCY!

IT'S JUST THOSE COMMON BALTIMORE PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

GOD, I WISHED I LIVED IN CONNECTICUT.

THE PRINCIPAL SAID THAT HE WAS INSANE!

HE'S PROBABLY OUT PLAYING POLO WITH HIS FRIENDS.

OH, CUDDLES, DO YOU THINK

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY SON?

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY SON?

AAH! AAH!

[LAUGHING]

AAH! GOD!

AAH! HELP!

AAH! OH, MY GOD! HELP!

IS ANYBODY GONNA HELP ME?!

IS ANYBODY GONNA HELP ME?!

IF MY SON DOES HAVE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS,

I CAN ONLY BLAME ELMER.

OH, CUDDLES,

GO TO THE WHITE GABLES MOTEL FOR ME

AND CALL ME IF YOU SEE HIS CAR.

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE A SPY, FRANCINE?

YES.

YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL!

[PAGER BEEPING]

ACH,MY GOODNESS.

ACH,MY GOODNESS.

HURRY, HEINTZ. EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY.

HURRY, HEINTZ. EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY.

HURRY, HEINTZ.

HURRY, HEINTZ.

DON'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS. MAKE A FAST RIGHT.

CIRCLE THE BLOCK.

HEAD STRAIGHT TO THE WHITE GABLE MOTEL,

AND HURRY!

YES, MA'AM.

HURRY, HEINTZ.

HURRY, HEINTZ.

LU-LU? LU-LU, IS THAT YOU?

LU-LU? OH. HI, HONEY.

OH, LU-LU. HOME FROM SCHOOL ALREADY?

UNFORTUNATELY, YES.

DID YOU HAVE A NICE DAY?

LU-LU, YOUR MOTHER IS SPEAKING TO YOU.

DID YOU HAVE A NICE DAY?

LU-LU! I'M TRYING TO CLEAN IN HERE!

I GOT MY REPORT CARD TODAY. WANT TO SEE IT?

HAVE YOU DONE ANY BETTER THIS TIME?

HAVE YOU DONE ANY BETTER THIS TIME?

LU-LU, YOU HAVE FAILED EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT AGAIN!

OH, NO, MA. THEY CHANGED THE GRADING SYSTEM.

"F" IS FOR "FANTASTIC."

YOU LITTLE LIAR.

IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT PINOCCHIO.

YOUR NOSE WOULD BE A MILE LONG.

I SWEAR TO GOD ON THE BIBLE IT'S TRUE!

STOP THAT LYING!

I GOT VOTED PRESIDENT OF STUDENT COUNCIL TODAY.

LIAR MOUTH!

I'M A CHEERLEADER, TOO!

LIAR! LIAR!

I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING, MOTHER.

I QUIT SCHOOL TODAY,

AND I'M GONNA GET ME A JOB AS A GO-GO GIRL

DOWN AT THE FLAMING CAVE LOUNGE.

YOU'LL WORK AT THE FLAMING CAVE LOUNGE

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

NOW, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM AND YOU STAY THERE

UNTIL I CALL YOU!

HA!

OH! OH!

OH! OH!

I'LL WORK WHERE I WANNA WORK!

YOU'VE NEVER WORKED A DAY IN YOUR LIFE.

FAT COW! OH!

I'M NOT GONNA STAY IN THIS STINKING HOUSE!

[MUMBLING]

♪♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY ♪♪

♪♪ NEED A DADDY ♪♪

♪♪ NEED A DADDY ♪♪

[SPITS]

[SPITS]

♪♪ OH, DADDY ♪♪

♪♪ BE MY DADDY ♪♪

♪♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY ♪♪

♪♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY ♪♪

♪♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY ♪♪

HI, HONEY.

HEY, BABY. COME HERE.

HEY, BABY. COME HERE.

COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

I HATE THIS PLACE.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, YOU'RE ALL BEAT UP.

AW, IT AIN'T NOTHING.

[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH]

[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH]

ANY SIGN OF HIM, HEINTZ?

NOT YET, MADAM.

NOT YET, MADAM.

Sandra: OH, ELMER! HA HA HA!

YOU DEVIL, YOU.

YOU WAIT TILL I GET IN THAT ROOM!

OOH...OH, I CAN'T WAIT, HONEY.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OK, YOU HURRY UP NOW.

OH, HEINTZ,

SHE'S STRAIGHT FROM THE GUTTER!

A SPORTING GIRL, I WOULD IMAGINE.

AFILLE DE JOIE!

IT SADDENS ME THAT YOU HAVE TO SEE

ANYTHING THIS COMMON, MADAME.

POOR FRANCINE! POOR, POOR FRANCINE!

Newscaster: IN OTHER NEWS, JAMES WEMO,

ACCUSED OF THE AUGUST 9th

BOMBING OF THE MARYLAND CENSOR BOARD OFFICE,

HAS PLEADED "NOT GUILTY" IN FEDERAL COURT TODAY.

AND THIS JUST IN, FOLKS.

AND THIS JUST IN, FOLKS.

THE BALTIMORE FOOT-STOMPER HAS STRUCK AGAIN.

BALTIMORE COUNTY POLICE REPORT

THE STOMPER HAS ATTACKED A MRS. SHIRLEY EVANS

JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO AT THE CROCKFIELD MALL,

AND CHANNEL 12 NEWS WAS THERE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ON TELEVISION!

OW! MY FOOT! NOT NOW! OW!

MRS. EVANS WAS RUSHED TO THE MERCY HOSPITAL

SHOCK TRAUMA UNIT FOR EMERGENCY TREATMENT.

MANY CROCKFIELD MALL SHOPPERS WITNESSED THE ATTACK.

I SEEN IT, MAN! I SEEN THIS WEIRD-LOOKING DUDE

RUN RIGHT OUT AND STOMP ON THIS HONKY LADY'S FEET!

POLICE RELEASED THIS COMPOSITE SKETCH TODAY

IN THE HOPES THAT SOMEONE WOULD IDENTIFY THE STOMPER.

IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION,

POLICE HAVE ASKED CITIZENS TO CALL THE STOMPER HOT LINE.

JUST DIAL "STOMPER." S-T-O-M-P-E-R.

JUST DIAL "STOMPER." S-T-O-M-P-E-R.

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

YOU'LL BE READY FOR THE BACK SEAT IN A MINUTE.

YOU'LL BE READY FOR THE BACK SEAT IN A MINUTE.

MOTHER! AAH!

DON'T YOU TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!

TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY BOYFRIEND!

THAT'S MY CAR! THAT'S MY CAR!

COME ON! COME ON!

OH, MY GOD! MY GOD!

HIT HER, BO-BO! HIT HER!

Lu-Lu: NO! NO!

Lu-Lu: NO! NO!

AAH!

OH! OH!

OH! OH!

THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE,

YOU BIG, FAT GALOOT! OH!

OH! OH! OH!

OH-HO...

IT WAS NICE BEATING YOU, MRS. FISHPAW!

[LAUGHS]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

DEXTER, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

DEXTER, WHAT'S WRONG?

DEXTER, TALK TO ME.

DEXTER, IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

DEXTER, WHAT IS IT?

WHAT'S WRONG, HONEY?

MOM...

DEXTER...

DEXTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AAH!

OH! DEXTER!

DO YOU WANT TO SEE SURPRISES--

NOOO! BUT I LOVE YOU--

NO!

DEX--DEXTER. OHH...

DEXTER. OH, HONEY...

HONEY...DEXTER...

HONEY...DEXTER...

[GASPS] OH! OH!

YOU HAD BETTER WATCH YOURSELF, YOUNG LADY.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN REAL TROUBLE!

WELL, MOTHER, I GUESS I SHOULD TELL YOU

I'M 2 MONTHS PREGNANT RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE WHAT?!

I'M KNOCKED UP, AND THAT'S THAT!

WHO DID THIS TO YOU?

BO-BO! THE MAN I LOVE.

I'LL NEVER ALLOW YOU TO MARRY HIM.

MARRY HIM?! ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'M GETTING AN ABORTION,

AND I CAN'T WAIT!

I CANNOT TAKE ANOTHER HEARTBREAK.

I JUST CANNOT TAKE IT!

DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF STEEL, MISS LU-LU?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO!

HE'S HERE FRANCINE.

AT FIRST I THOUGHT

HE WAS WALKING A DOG.

THEN I REALIZED IT WAS HIS DATE.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

OH!

OH!

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

GOD, FRANCINE,

HASN'T HE EVER HEARD OF THE HILTON?

HASN'T HE EVER HEARD OF THE HILTON?

WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON HIM.

THEY WENT DOWN THAT WAY,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHICH ROOM.

I PICKED UP HER SCENT ALREADY.

CHEAP MIDNIGHT IN PARIS PERFUME.

I CAN SMELL IT ANYWHERE!

I CAN SMELL IT ANYWHERE!

THIS IS IT. HOLD THIS.

THIS IS IT. HOLD THIS.

[WHISPERING] 1...2...3...

[WHISPERING] 1...2...3...

OH! WHAT THE HELL?!

COITUS INTERRUPTUS?

GET OUT OF HERE, FRANCINE!

GET OUT OF HERE, FRANCINE!

CAUGHT YOU, DIDN'T I?

RIGHT IN THE ACT OF ADULTERY!

RIGHT IN THE ACT OF ADULTERY!

WELL, I WON'T STAND FOR THIS, ELMER.

I WANT A DIVORCE!

AND A BIG, FAT SETTLEMENT

TO GO ALONG WITH IT!

YOU'LL NEVER GET A PENNY OUT OF ME,

YOU FAT HUNK OF CELLULITE.

I ONLY SUPPORT THE WOMEN I LOVE.

SEE THESE RINGS?

GUESS WHO BOUGHT THEM FOR ME.

IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN LOOK AT MY CLOTHES.

THEY'RE THE FINEST OF POLYESTER, AND...

I DIDN'T PAY FOR THEM.

DON'T WORRY, FRANCINE.

I HEAR EVERY WORD THAT THIS SCAG SAYS,

AND I'LL TESTIFY IN COURT.

COME ON, SANDRA. GET DRESSED.

LET'S GO TO SOME SNAZZY COCKTAIL LOUNGE

AND CELEBRATE MY NEW FREEDOM.

BUT ELMER, WHAT ABOUT DEXTER AND LITTLE LU-LU?

THOSE 2 LITTLE BASTARDS

ARE A PERFECT ARGUMENT FOR BIRTH CONTROL.

CHILDREN WOULD ONLY GET IN THE WAY

OF OUR EROTIC LIFESTYLE.

OF OUR EROTIC LIFESTYLE.

YOU PIECE OF TRASH!

BYE-BYE!

YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY ATTORNEY!

SOOOEY!

OHH! OH!

[ELMER AND SANDRA LAUGH]

OH!

OH, FRANCINE, DON'T WORRY.

YOU'LL GET ANOTHER MAN.

DON'T WORRY. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

TAKE IT EASY ON THAT SAUCE.

DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH, FRANCINE.

DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH, FRANCINE.

AHH.

AHH.

AHH.

AHH.

OH...

OH...

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

HELLO?

HA HA HA!

ELMER?

[SNORTING LIKE A PIG]

[SNORTING LIKE A PIG]

[GROWLING]

OH! OH...

[WHINES]

MMM.

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

HI, MS. FISHPAW. THIS'LL BE $14.88.

I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING.

BUT THIS IS 538 WYMAN WAY, ISN'T IT?

I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST MY HUSBAND HARASSING ME.

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

COME ON, LADY. OPEN UP.

IT'S GETTING COLD.

YO, PIZZA.

[KNOCKING AND DOORBELL]

NO, NO, NO!

NO, NO, NO!

[WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

NO!

NO!

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

[MOANING AND HEAVY BREATHING]

LEAVE ME ALONE!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

ELMER!

ELMER!

HAVING A LITTLE WAKE-UP COCKTAIL?

YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN TORMENTING ME ALL MORNING!

THAT'S NO EXCUSE. YOU BIG DRUNK!

THAT'S NO EXCUSE. YOU BIG DRUNK!

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I NEED MONEY FOR A CAB. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN

TODAY'S THE DAY FOR MY ABORTION?

LU-LU, THERE'S A LIVING THING INSIDE OF YOU.

OH, LU-LU, HAVE THE BABY.

WE'LL RAISE IT TOGETHER.

WE'LL GET A LITTLE BASSINET

AND SOME PAMPERS.

OH, LU-LU, THAT BABY IS PART OF YOU.

IT'S STEALING PART OF ME, YOU MEAN!

I CAN FEEL IT LIKE CANCER,

GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER, LIKE THE BLOB.

ONE DAY, IT'LL RIP ME OPEN!

AND IT'LL BE THERE IN MY LIFE,

READY TO ROB ME OF EVERY BIT OF FUN

I DESERVE TO HAVE!

[SOBBING] LU-LU! LU-LU!

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

MMM.

MMM.

NO!

NO!

WHOA! OH!

LOOK AT YOURSELF.

PLEASE!

YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF TO AN ALCOHOLICS MEETING

BEFORE YOU END UP IN THE POORHOUSE!

WHAT'S IN THE BOTTLE, MOTHER?

YOUR BELOVED BOOZE, FRANCINE.

WANT A LITTLE SCENT?

PLEASE. PLEASE, DON'T DO IT TO ME, MOTHER.

COCKTAIL, DEAR?!

OH! MMM...MMM...

YOU SEE WHAT AN ALCOHOLIC YOU ARE?

YOU'D EVEN DRINK GASOLINE

IF IT WAS IN A BOTTLE.

YOU STINK LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC!

POSITIVELY DISGUSTING!

POSITIVELY DISGUSTING!

FRANCINE FISHPAW LIVES AT 538 WYMAN WAY.

SHE WEIGHS 300 POUNDS

AND IS AN ALCOHOLIC.

[LAUGHS]

OH! OH!

SHE EATS AN ENTIRE CAKE AT ONE SITTING.

YOU CAN SEE HER STRETCH MARKS.

YOU CAN SEE HER STRETCH MARKS.

BECAUSE OF HER DRUNKENNESS,

BOTH HER CHILDREN ARE DELINQUENTS.

BOTH HER CHILDREN ARE DELINQUENTS.

SHE'S THE HAIRIEST WOMAN

I'VE EVER LAID EYES ON.

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

WHAT THE MATTER, MA PETITE?

SPEAK ENGLISH, CUDDLES.

PLEASE,SPEAK ENGLISH.

YOU WANT A LITTLE DRINKY, FRANCINEY?

OH, GOD. HELP ME UP. PLEASE.

OH, GOD. HELP ME UP. PLEASE.

YOU'RE SO CUTE WHEN YOU GET TIPSY.

OH, CUDDLES, I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.

WELL, YOU SHOULD GET OUT MORE, THEN, HONEY,

AND FORGET YOUR SILLY NILLY PROBLEMS.

YOU GOT TO GET ME TO THE ALCOHOLICS MEETING.

I'LL TAKE YOU TO YOUR CLUB MEETING, FRANCINE,

BUT FIRST, YOU'RE GOING SHOPPING WITH ME.

I SIMPLY CANNOT STAND ANOTHER DAY

UNDECIDED ABOUT MY DEBUTANTE GOWN.

I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE ALCOHOLICS MEET--

OH, NO. HEINTZ! HEINTZ!

HURRY, HEINTZ! HURRY!

[BEEPING]

HURRY! COME ON! COME ON, HEINTZ!

OH, FRANCINE. HURRY!

AT YOUR SERVICE, MADAME.

MRS. FISHPAW AND I HAVE DECIDED TO GO

VIEW THE NEW PARIS CREATIONS, HEINTZ.

I WOULD LIKE IT IF YOU WOULD HELP ME

GET HER INTO A MORE PRESENTABLE OUTFIT.

YES, MADAME.

COME ON, FRANCINE. WE'RE GOING SHOPPING.

MRS. FISHPAW, COME ON, LET'S GO.

THIS WAY, MRS. FISHPAW. UPSTAIRS.

LET'S GO UPSTAIRS, MRS. FISHPAW.

UPSTAIRS?

THIS WAY. YES, MA'AM.

THIS WAY. YES, MA'AM.

[BURPS]

LOOK AT THIS DRESS, FRANCINE.

ISN'T IT RA-SHA-SHA?

IT'S VERY PRETTY, CUDDLES.

OH...

OH! OH, A HALSTON!

HOWAU COURANT!

I'M GOING TO TRY THIS ONE ON, TOO,

AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

OH! THIS PLACE IS GLAMOROUS!

OH, HURRY. I DON'T WANT

TO BE LATE FOR MY MEETING.

TO BE LATE FOR MY MEETING.

GOD!

DAMN THESE DESIGNERS!

DAMN THESE DESIGNERS!

[BURPS]

[BURPS]

[VOMITS]

[VOMITS]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

AH, SHOES...

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

MADAM, YOU WILL SIMPLY

HAVE TO LEAVE THIS STORE IMMEDIATELY,

OR I WILL BE FORCED TO CALL THE SECURITY GUARDS.

YOU'RE REALLY GAUCHE,MADAM.

A REGULAR LITTLE COCHON,

AND THAT MEANS PIG.

OH!

COME ON, FRANCINE.

I SEE WE SHOULD HAVE GONE

STRAIGHT TO PECK AND PECK AFTER ALL.

STRAIGHT TO PECK AND PECK AFTER ALL.

AAH!

AAH!

HEY! HEY!

CALL THE POLICE!

CALL THE POLICE!

FELLOW MEMBERS, WE HAVE SOMEONE NEW WITH US TONIGHT.

HER NAME IS FRANCINE FISHPAW,

AND SHE'S AN ALCOHOLIC.

FRANCINE, COME UP HERE AND WITNESS FOR US.

Man: STEP UP THERE, NOW!

COME ON! COME ON UP!

COME ON! MOVE IT!

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

I--I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

All: SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!

All: SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!

WELL, MY NAME IS FRANCINE FISHPAW--

All: AND?

AND? AND?

AND I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

MISS MALLON, WE'RE ALL READY FOR YOU.

YES.

NOW, DON'T BE AFRAID.

[SOBBING]

THIS'LL BE ALL OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

I GUESS I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

DON'T HAVE THIS ABORTION!

Man: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A MURDERER?

KILLER! MURDERER!

BABIES WANNA LIVE, TOO, YOU KNOW!

SUPPOSE EINSTEIN'S MOTHER

HAD AN ABORTION! NO!

OR JOHN F. KENNEDY'S, HUH?

NO...

WHAT IF MARY AND JOSEPH HAD HAD AN ABORTION? WHAT THEN?

All: PRO LIFE! PRO LIFE! PRO LIFE!

THAT'S FROM JESUS!

THAT'S WHAT HE WOULD DO, YOU MURDERER!

THAT'S WHAT HE WOULD DO, YOU MURDERER!

Francine: THANK YOU, HEINTZ.

Francine: THANK YOU, HEINTZ.

AAH!

NO, NO! YOU'RE GOING TO HURT YOURSELF!

STOP SPYING ON ME!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

[WAILING]

[WAILING]

LU-LU, STOP IT.

YES, I NEED THE NUMBER

OF THE HOME OF THE SHEPHERD'S FLOCK.

LU-LU, STOP IT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

LU-LU, STOP!

HOME OF THE SHEPHERD'S FLOCK.

YES, THIS IS FRANCINE FISHPAW OF 538 WYMAN WAY.

I NEED AN UNWED MOTHERS HOME. MY DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT

AND TRYING TO INDUCE A MISCARRIAGE!

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

Both: HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE,

THE LORD IS WITH THEE.

BLESSED ARE THOU AMONG WOMEN

AND BLESSED IS THE FRUIT OF THY WOMB, JESUS...

SHE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.

OH, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

GOOD-BYE, LU-LU. IT'LL BE OK.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

Lu-Lu: NO! GET IN THERE.

NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

MY BACK!

MY BACK!

Woman: GIRLS!

INSTEAD OF ROSARY TONIGHT,

WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT PLANNED FOR YOU.

WE'RE ALL GOING ON A HAYRIDE.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

A HAYRIDE?

BRING PROPER CLOTHING

AND PROCEED TO THE WAGONS IMMEDIATELY!

[PROTESTING]

GO!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[SHRIEKING]

[SHRIEKING]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

OH, IT HURTS! IT HURTS!

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

STOP THIS FAKING!

PROSTITUTES AND DEVILS' WITCHES

LOSE THEIR BABIES.

PRAY WITH US, GIRLS!

PRAY WITH US, GIRLS!

[BREATHING HEAVY]

[BREATHING HEAVY]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING LOUDER]

[MOANING LOUDER]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Man: OPEN UP, MRS.FISHPAW! WE HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

KNOCK IT DOWN.

KNOCK IT DOWN.

LET'S GO.

LET'S GO.

CHECK EVERYWHERE. I KNOW THE EVIDENCE IS AROUND.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME KIND OF SHOES HERE.

THIS WHOLE FAMILY IS SICK, MAN.

RIP IT OFF. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

UHH!

UH...AAH!

MRS. FISHPAW, I HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT

SIGNED BY JUDGE SOLOMON WISE

TO SEARCH THIS ENTIRE HOUSE.

FOR WHAT?

YOUR SON'S BEEN ARRESTED

FOR BEING THE BALTIMORE FOOT STOMPER.

DEXTER!

COME ON, JACK. LET'S SEARCH THE HOUSE.

[CRYING]

LOOKY HERE! HERE IT IS.

IT'S SICK! SICK!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? HE IS THE FOOT STOMPER!

WE GOT IT. I KNEW IT.

THIS STUFF WILL HOLD UP.

TAKE IT DOWNTOWN.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?

ARE YOU RELATED TO DEXTER FISHPAW?

ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE FISHPAW FAMILY?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ARE YOU AWARE THAT DEXTER'S BEEN ARRESTED?

[GASPING]

[GASPING]

ANYBODY HOME?

OH, GOD! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?

COME ON. WE'RE GOING ON A PICNIC.

COME ON. COME ON!

COME ON, FRANCINE.

[SIRENS BLARING]

[SIRENS BLARING]

OH, CUDDLES, ELMER SENT THE FIRE TRUCKS! OH!

Woman: BRAVO! BRAVO!

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

NICE GOING! NICE GOING!

BRAVO! BRAVO!

Second woman: THERE SHE IS!

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

GOD, FRANCINE.

MAYBE WE'LL GET ON TV TONIGHT.

OH, NO!

WANT SOME HOOCH, FRANCINE?

OH, THANK YOU, CUDDLES.

OH, THANK YOU, CUDDLES.

GOD, FRANCINE.

YOU'RE THE MOST DRINKING-EST GAL

I'VE EVER SEEN. HA HA. OH.

OH...OH... OH, CUDDLES,

MAYBE I SHOULD GET OUT OF BALTIMORE.

MAYBE I SHOULD GET OUT OF BALTIMORE.

Cuddles: GOD, FRANCINE,

THERE MUST BE A GOD.

EVERYTHING IS SO BEAUTIFUL!

[FRANCINE WEEPING]

OH, YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME FAITH, FRANCINE.

EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

OH, THIS IS NICE.

COME ON. HERE, HELP ME WITH THE TABLECLOTH,

WILL YOU, FRANCINE?

OK. [SNIFFS]

OK. [SNIFFS]

COME ON. LET'S SIT DOWN.

COME ON. LET'S SIT DOWN.

LOOK, FRANCINE. TAB FOR OUR DIET.

AIN'T THAT GREAT? LOOK, CUPS,

AND--OOH! SANDWICHES!

WOW!

WOW!

FRANCINE, HAPPINESS IS A PICNIC IN THE WOODS.

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

GOD, LOOK AROUND YOU, FRANCINE.

LOOK AT THE NATURE.

LOOK, FRANCINE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

LOOK, FRANCINE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

AAH! OH!

OH, FRANCINE, I GOT ANTS IN MY PANTS!

OHH!

OH!

[SNIFFING]

I SMELL SOMETHING.

I SMELL SOMETHING.

I SMELL SOMETHING!

A SKUNK, FRANCINE!

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT? A SKUNK!

A SKUNK! OHH!

OH! OH!

[WAILING]

[WAILING]

WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

THE DIVORCE HAS FINALLY COME THROUGH!

2,000 A MONTH AND THE HOUSE!

TIME FOR US TO MOVE IN ON THAT POT OF GOLD!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.

I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET HOME.

I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET HOME.

Both: TRICK OR TREAT!

I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T LIVE HERE,

AND NO ONE ELSE IS AT HOME.

WHAT, NO CANDY?

I'M SORRY, BUT I FORGOT IT WAS HALLOWEEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT NO CANDY MEANS,

DON'T YOU?

HALLOWEEN JUST SLIPPED MY MIND THIS YEAR.

Both: THAT MEANS TRICK!

Both: THAT MEANS TRICK!

La Rue: STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP THAT! NOW, YOU LEAVE THAT ALONE!

STOP IT! STOP THAT!

STOP IT! STOP THAT!

HA HA HA!

LADY, WHEN WE SAY "TRICK OR TREAT,"

WE MEAN IT!

HA HA! KILL HER.

NEXT TIME YOU WON'T BE SO SELFISH

AND IGNORE LITTLE CHILDREN ON HOLIDAYS!

MAYBE WE HAVE AN APPLE OR SOMETHING.

TOO LATE NOW, GRANDMA. NO CANDY MEANS DEATH!

AAH! [WHIMPERS]

LET'S DESTROY THIS PLACE!

LET'S DESTROY THIS PLACE!

UHH!

SEE YOU LATER!

SEE YOU LATER!

BO-BO! BO-BO!

OH, GOD, BO-BO! [SOBBING]

GOOD NIGHT, FRANCINE.

GOOD NIGHT, CUDDLES.

Cuddles: SLEEP TIGHT.

DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE.

DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR CLOTHES.

HA HA HA!

[SNIFFING]

HAVE A PEACEFUL NIGHT, MRS. FISHPAW.

GOOD NIGHT, HEINTZ.

GOOD NIGHT, HEINTZ.

OH! OH! NO!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

NO, NO!

NO, NO!

AAH!

AAH!

NO, GOD, PLEASE. NOT MY BABY.

NO, NO!

OH, GOD, NOT MY LITTLE GIRL.

OH, GOD, NOT MY LITTLE GIRL.

OHH! OH! UHH...

OHH! OH! UHH...

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

HI, MOM!

HI, MOM!

DEXTER! HONEY! YOU'RE HOME!

DEXTER! HONEY! YOU'RE HOME!

OH, HONEY, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

I'M SORRY FOR THE GRIEF I CAUSED YOU,

BUT I'M REHABILITATED NOW.

I HAD A WONDERFUL DRUG COUNSELOR IN PRISON,

AND I RECEIVED PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT.

MOM, I AM AN ARTIST NOW.

OH, HONEY. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

WE'LL HANG IT RIGHT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

WE CAN PUT THIS ONE IN THE KITCHEN.

OH!

I'M SAVING THIS ONE FOR MY ROOM.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MILK AND COOKIES, DEXTER?

OH, I'D LOVE SOME, MOM.

COME ON, HONEY.

I BET THAT FOOD IN PRISON WAS JUST TERRIBLE!

I SURE MISSED YOUR HOME COOKING, MOM.

OH, HONEY.

OH, HONEY.

[DOOR SHUTS]

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, HONEY.

WOW. EVERYTHING LOOKS JUST THE SAME.

IT'S SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.

MOM, ARE YOU STILL DRINKING?

DEXTER, I'M AFRAID YOUR MA'S AN ALCOHOLIC.

OH, MOM, YOU COULD STOP.

I GOT OFF THE ANGEL DUST.

OH...I WANNA STOP.

JUST POUR IT DOWN THE DRAIN, MOM.

I WANT TO.

I WANT US TO BE HAPPY AGAIN,

LIKE WE USED TO BE...

BEFORE YOUR FATHER ABANDONED US.

I LOVE YOU, MOM!

GO AHEAD. YOU CAN STOP.

OH, DEXTER.

YOU DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE.

YOU'LL BE MUCH HAPPIER.

OH, HONEY, TODAY IS GONNA BE A NEW BEGINNING.

WE'RE GOING TO BE A REAL FAMILY AGAIN.

OH, MOM.

OH, DEXTER.

WELCOME HOME, DEXTER.

HELLO, LU-LU.

WILL YOU GIVE YOUR BROTHER A KISS?

OH...OH, DEXTER.

FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO AWFUL,

BUT I'VE CHANGED.

BO-BO'S DEAD

AND I'VE HAD A MISCARRIAGE.

THAT'S AWFUL--

BUT I'VE DISCOVERED MACRAME!

IT'S HELPED ME FIND MYSELF.

I'M GENTLER NOW AND MORE CREATIVE.

I'M AN ARTIST NOW, TOO, LU-LU.

I'M OFF DRUGS AND READY FOR A NEW BEGINNING

HERE AT HOME.

OH, YOU SEE, CHILDREN.

IT'S NOT HARD TO BE NORMAL.

OH, THANK YOU, GOD.

THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING MY PRAYERS!

WE'RE A REAL FAMILY AGAIN.

A NORMAL AMERICAN FAMILY.

OH. OH.

OH.

OH.

HELLO, MOTHER.

FEELING ANY BETTER TODAY?

HOW CAN I FEEL BETTER

WITH A DRUNKEN MISER AS A DAUGHTER?

SHUT UP, MOTHER! FOR 44 YEARS

I'VE TRIED TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER TO YOU,

AND ALL I'VE GOTTEN IN RETURN IS ABUSE.

I'VE GIVEN YOU MONEY--

THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS--

AND STILL IT'S NOT ENOUGH!

WELL, I'VE HAD IT.

YOU CAN ROT IN THAT WHEELCHAIR

FOR ALL I CARE!

THE PAIN, THE PAIN! MY HEART!

SHE'S GIVING ME A HEART ATTACK!

OH, GOD, HELP! HELP!

OH, GOD, HELP! HELP!

[WEEPING]

[WEEPING]

OOH. OH!

PULL OVER HERE. PULL OVER HERE!

PULL OVER HERE. PULL OVER HERE!

STOP THE CAB. STOP THE CAB.

Driver: HERE?

YES, YES. RIGHT HERE.

I'LL STAY HERE.

I'LL STAY HERE.

Francine: HERE. KEEP THE CHANGE.

Francine: HERE. KEEP THE CHANGE.

Man: HEY, COME HERE.

COME HERE!

COME HERE!

COME HERE!

REALLY HORRIBLE, ISN'T IT?

OH, ALL THOSE POOR PEOPLE.

DID YOU SEE IT HAPPEN?

YES, I SAW IT HAPPEN.

I WAS FOLLOWING THAT VAN,

AND THAT OTHER THING CUT RIGHT IN FRONT.

WHAM! HIT IT HEAD ON.

EXCUSE ME.

OHH. REALLY HORRIBLE.

OH, IT IS. IT'S JUST TOO HORRIBLE.

I CAN'T LOOK.

Man: HEY, YOU KNOW-- YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T--

WHY DON'T WE TAKE A RIDE IN THE COUNTRY,

GET AWAY FROM ALL THIS MESS?

I MEAN, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY

AND I FIND YOU... QUITE ATTRACTIVE.

OH, WELL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

IT'S TODD, HONEY. TODD?

TODD TOMORROW.

HI. I'M FRANCINE FISHPAW.

FRANCINE FISHPAW.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME. FITS YOU WELL.

HEY, I GOT SOMETHING I WANNA SHOW YOU.

YES?

IT'S LONG... OOH!

AND IT'S SLEEK... OOH!

AND IT'S POWERFUL.

OOH! WHAT IS IT, TODD?

IT'S MY NEW 'VETTE!

OH!

OH!

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

HOP IN, HONEY.

OOH!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

WE'RE OFF! WHOO-HOO!

[REVS ENGINE]

[REVS ENGINE]

♪♪ WE MET ♪♪

♪♪ WE SPOKE ♪♪

♪♪ OUR LOVE BECAME INFINITY ♪♪

♪♪ OUR TIMELESS FANTASY ♪♪

♪♪ OUR TIMELESS FANTASY ♪♪

♪♪ ONE BOY ♪♪

♪♪ ONE GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ DEEPLY AND HONESTLY ♪♪

♪♪ OUR REAL-LIFE FANTASY ♪♪

♪♪ OUR REAL-LIFE FANTASY ♪♪

♪♪ THE FIRST ♪♪

♪♪ GOOD THING ♪♪

♪♪ GOOD THING ♪♪

♪♪ TO HAPPEN TO FRANCINE ♪♪

IF I BREAK A NAIL,

YOU'RE REALLY NEVER GONNA

HEAR THE END OF THIS ONE!

LISTEN, I'M GETTIN' SICK AND TIRED

OF ALL YOUR COMPLAINING.

ALL YOU DO IS COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN.

WELL, YOU'D COMPLAIN, TOO,

IF YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND WHO WAS LIKE YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GET A DECENT CAR?

GET THE THING CLOSER--

I'M WORKING ON IT!

YOU EXPECT ME TO DO IT ALL?

GET BACK TO WORK, ELMER!

GET BACK TO WORK, ELMER!

GET GOING. GET GOING. HURRY UP!

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO FRANCINE?

WE OUGHT TO GO CATCH 'EM.

HE'S GOT SOME GOOD TASTE IN CARS, ANYWAY.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

MM-MMM. MY, WHAT A NICE PLACE.

OH, IT'S SUCH A MESS.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED FOR YOU TO SEE IT LIKE THIS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET THE CHILDREN?

I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

OH, OK. FOLLOW ME.

STUNNING.

STUNNING.

HI, MOM.

LU-LU, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE--

MR. TODD TOMORROW.

TODD, THIS IS MY DAUGHTER LU-LU.

NICE TO MEET YOU. HEE HEE HEE.

HI, DARLIN'.

LET'S GO MEET MY LITTLE DEXTER.

LET'S GO MEET MY LITTLE DEXTER.

WELL...I DON'T KNOW.

WELL...I DON'T KNOW.

OH, COME IN. HI, MOTHER.

HI, HONEY.

THIS IS MY LITTLE DEXTER.

HE'S A CREATIVE ARTIST.

DEXTER, THIS IS MY FRIEND

MR. TODD TOMORROW.

PUT IT THERE, YOUNG FELLA.

HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, I SEEN YOU BEFORE.

I SEEN YOU BEFORE ON TV.

I SEEN HIM ON THE NEWS.

DEXTER WAS JUST RELEASED

FROM PRISON. YEAH.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE.

CONGRATULATIONS!

OH, THANK YOU.

AND THAT'S NICE, TOO.

THAT'S A... REAL MASTERPIECE.

YEAH. DO YOU LIKE IT?

YOU BET. YOU KEEP UP

THAT GOOD WORK, YOU HEAR?

I WILL, TODD.

FRANCINE...

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME YOUR BEDROOM, HONEY?

MOTHER, MAY I?

YES, YOU MAY.

OOH!

OOH!

OH, TODD, I'VE HAD A BAD YEAR.

PLEASE DON'T BE TOO HARSH IN YOUR JUDGMENTS.

WELL, IT'S EXQUISITE.

LOOK AT ME.

READ MY LIPS.

I LOVE YOU.

I'M SORRY I'M SO NERVOUS.

IT'S JUST THAT MY HUSBAND'S

BEEN HARASSING ME EVERY DAY.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!

I CRAVE LIQUOR RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

EASY DOES IT, BABY.

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I ACHE. I ACHE ALL OVER.

LET ME KISS AWAY YOUR D.T.s, HONEY.

LET ME KISS AWAY YOUR D.T.s, HONEY.

I LOVE YOU, FRANCINE.

I LOVE YOUR LITTLE ANKLES AND YOUR LITTLE WRISTS.

YOUR LITTLE BREASTS, YOUR LITTLE BELLY.

OH, TODD. DARE I SAY IT?

I LOVE YOU, TOO, MY DARLING.

THEN LET'S MAKE LOVE, YOU SWEET LITTLE THING.

THEN LET'S MAKE LOVE, YOU SWEET LITTLE THING.

OH, TODD.

BE GENTLE WITH ME. PLEASE, BE GENTLE.

BE GENTLE WITH ME. PLEASE, BE GENTLE.

OH...OH...

OH...OH...

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

FRANCINE.

FRANCINE.

FRANCINE!

FRANCINE!

TIME TO WAKE UP, HONEY.

DID YOU SLEEP ALL RIGHT, MY DARLING?

IT WAS BLISS.

ARE YOU MY LITTLE FLESHPOT?

MM-HMM. HEE HEE HEE.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.

YES, I DO. I WANT YOU TO BE MY WIFE.

OH, TODD. OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU,

BUT CAN YOU AFFORD

TO TAKE US ON AS A FAMILY?

HELL, YES, I CAN.

I OWN THE EDMONDSON DRIVE-IN CINEMA.

YOU DO? OOH!

OH, YEAH.

OH, TODD! OH!

OH, TODD! OH!

Movie announcer: VISIT OUR CONCESSION STAND.

WE FEATURE BELUGA CAVIAR,

SUCCULENT OYSTERS, AND CHAMPAGNE.

TAKE A TEMPTING TASTE TREAT

AND PONDER THE INTELLECTUAL MEANING OF CINEMA.

AND PONDER THE INTELLECTUAL MEANING OF CINEMA.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, SWEETHEART?

OH, IT'S VERY HIGHBROW, TODD.

YEP. WE ONLY SHOW

FIRST-RUN ART FILMS HERE.

YOU WAIT HERE A SEC

WHILE I CHECK THEM RECEIPTS.

OK, BUT HURRY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE FOR CUDDLES' PARTY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE FOR CUDDLES' PARTY.

HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENIN', TODD?

HI, DARLING.

RIGHT THERE.

HOW YOU DOIN', MY MAN?

NOT BAD.

HERE YOU GO.

NOSE CANDY.

YEAH, SWEETS FOR THE SWEET.

DYNAMITE! HA HA HA!

DYNAMITE! HA HA HA!

WHOA-HO-HO!

FREE BASING!

LET'S DO IT, TODD, BABY.

GO GET HER, HONEY!

RIGHT AFTER I BLAST OFF.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

WHOO! I GOT A DATE WITH AN ANGEL.

AHEM.

AHEM.

[SLOW SONG PLAYING]

[SLOW SONG PLAYING]

[FASTER MUSIC STARTS]

[FASTER MUSIC STARTS]

[SONG ENDS]

[SONG ENDS]

Man: WHOO!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

AND NOW THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR--

THAT LOVELY LADY HERSELF,

MISS CUDDLES.

MISS CUDDLES.

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

Man: WHOO-WHOO!

Man: WHOO-WHOO!

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, MY DEAR.

WHAT IS IT, HEINTZ?

WHAT IS IT, HEINTZ?

OH, HEINTZ, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

CUDDLES, WILL YOU MARRY ME? PLEASE?

OH, HEINTZ.

All: AW.

I'LL MARRY YOU, HEINTZ.

All: OH!

OH, HEINTZ.

THANK YOU, CUDDLES.

THANK YOU, CUDDLES.

[DOGS BARKING]

[DOGS BARKING]

Francine: I COULD'VE DANCED ALL NIGHT.

Francine: I COULD'VE DANCED ALL NIGHT.

Francine: OH! OH!

OH, TODD!

[FRANCINE MOANING]

[FRANCINE MOANING]

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

[BOTH GASP]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

TODD? TODD?

TODD? TODD?

[SNIFFING]

TODD?

TODD?

[FRANCINE SNIFFING]

[FRANCINE SNIFFING]

Francine: OH, GOD!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

LET'S KEEP LOVE IN THE FAMILY, HONEY.

NO! NOT MY MOTHER!

NO!

LET GO OF ME!

HEY!

YOU MONSTER! YOU MONSTER!

AAH!

[CRYING]

YOU'RE GOOD OLD WAGON, FRANCINE,

BUT YOU DONE BROKE DOWN.

NO!

HERE'S A PRESENT FOR YOU, DAUGHTER DEAR.

SOMETHING FOR YOUR NOSE.

THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALL BETTER.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

[DOOR OPENS]

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT'S THAT?

AAH!

AAH!

ELMER! ELMER! AAH!

NO! NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!

[ALL YELLING]

Dexter: HE'S DEAD!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HERE?

I NEVER WANTED TO USE MACRAME TO KILL.

WHY, IT'S ELMER! HER LOUSY CHEAP HUSBAND.

HE WAS TRYIN' TO KILL FRANCINE.

NO!

NONSENSE, LA RUE.

WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

FRANCINE DONE IT.

SHE'S THE ONE WHO KILLED HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MOTHER?

SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE SLUT.

SHE'S GONE INSANE,

AND WE'RE PUTTING HER IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

WHERE SHE BELONGS.

NO.

I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF THEM LITTLE CREEPS.

I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF THEM LITTLE CREEPS.

[WHISTLES]

HEY, FLASHLIGHT! GET ON OVER HERE!

OK, COUSIN!

OK, COUSIN!

HEY, MAN, THE CHICKENS READY?

HEY, MAN, THE CHICKENS READY?

TAKE THAT LITTLE WHORE

DOWN TO THE MASSAGE PARLOR WHERE SHE BELONGS.

[LU-LU WHIMPERS]

AND AS FOR YOU, BUNGHOLE,

YOU GOT AN APPOINTMENT AT THE HOUSE OF TORTURE

WITH SOME VERY DIRTY OLD MEN.

ALL RIGHT, CHICKENS, MOVE IT!

NO, NO! NO!

UHH!

YOU!

AAH!

DOES THIS MEAN THE WEDDINGS OVER, HONEY?

[BARKING]

I DO THINK SHE'S HAVIN' A LITTLE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

[BARKING]

I BETTER CALL THE MENTAL HOSPITAL.

[WHIMPERING]

SHUT UP.

RIGHT! HA HA!

STOP THAT!

STOP THAT!

HAPPY HILLS? THIS IS 538 WYMAN WAY.

YEAH, YOU'D BETTER SEND SOME ATTENDANTS

OVER HERE RIGHT AWAY.

WE GOT THIS THING, THIS BIG THING,

THIS WOMAN'S HAD A BREAKDOWN.

YEAH, SHE'S COMMITTED A DOUBLE HOMICIDE

ON HER HUSBAND AND HIS GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH. HA! YEAH, RIGHT!

HA HA HA. THANK YOU.

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

THANK GOD I'M RID OF HER.

SHE'LL BE LOCKED UP FOR LIFE.

I'LL DRAIN HER BANK ACCOUNT

AND SELL THE HOUSE.

AND I CAN GET $5,000 FOR EACH ONE OF THEM LITTLE CREEPS,

AND IF I SELL THAT DRIVE-IN, WHOO! WE'LL BE RICH.

LET'S GO TO MIAMI.

FINALLY, I CAN GET MY FACE-LIFT.

I WANT A CADILLAC, TOO,

A BIG PURPLE CADILLAC,

SO I CAN RIDE AROUND

AND LAUGH AT POOR PEOPLE.

I'M GONNA GET ME ONE OF THEM SOLID GOLD LEISURE SUITS,

AND I CAN JUST STRUT AROUND AT FONTAINE BLEU ALL DAY.

WHOO-HOO! WE'RE GONNA BE HAPPY IN MIAMI, LA RUE.

HAPPY!

RICH AND HAPPY, TODD!

FREE, WHITE, RICH, AND HAPPY!

HOT DAMN!

HOT DAMN!

HELP ME! HELP ME!

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

HELP! OH, GOD, PLEASE. SOMEBODY HELP ME!

FRANCINE, SHUT UP.

I FEEL SO WONDERFUL.

I FEEL SO WONDERFUL.

HEINTZ, LOOK OUT!

HEINTZ, LOOK OUT!

OH!

ACH, DU LIEBER!

OH, NO, HEINTZ! OH!

TODD! OH!

TODD! OH!

[LA RUE SCREAMING]

NO!

NO!

HOLY JESUS!

SEE YOU CHICKENS LATER.

SEE YOU CHICKENS LATER.

SHH. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

[YELLING]

[ALL CRYING]

IT'LL ALL BE ALL RIGHT, FRANCINE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

I WAS NERVOUS.

EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

NOTHING'S RIGHT, NOTHING'S RIGHT.

IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

NO, IT'S NOT.

SHH.

AH. AH. OH, SMELL. OH.

Francine: OH, EVERYTHING SMELLS SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

YEAH, SHH. SHH.

[INHALES]

[INHALES]

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

♪♪ FRANCINE ♪♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NEW LINE HOME VIDEO

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--