Original subtitles

Masterji?

Masterji?

Where did you go?

This turban is loose. Once the horse moves, it will fall off.

And put artificial jasmine flowers. The real ones look good at home.

But once you reach the wedding hall, they turn black

You put artificial jasmine flowers; I will spray the jasmine scent on them.

It will be the con of the century.

Is this is okay?

One minute.

A little loose.

Yes, this is good.

Will the cleavage remain like this? Open?

Tell the makeup person to draw muscles over here.

And don’t keep the pyjamas simple, even the waistband should have embroidery on it.

Masterji, attention to detail.

Mikesh, what the hell is going on?

Hey, Tanu! Surprise!

No, no, he is masterji. He is taking measurements. Masterji, the bride has come.

Sandhya? The bride is here. Take her measurements for the blouse.

Madam, lift your arm.

What is happening? There is a big photo of us hanging outside?

Why have you called me here? What is happening?

Our wedding is happening. We are getting your wedding skirt made.

The problem with readymade ones is that the blouse become tight.

During the garland ceremony, when people will lift us up

and down, you won’t be able to enjoy it to the fullest.

It's better we get it made Tannu!

But why now? We still haven’t decided the date for the wedding.

And I thought our wedding is a closed affair.

So, if only our parents are coming, why so much preparation?

No, everything has changed. Khatri came and changed everything,

planned the whole wedding and has made a guest list of 500 people.

Khatri gave the advance and booked the venue as well.

So everything has changed. Khatri has planned the whole wedding.

Micky, I was on a business trip for 2 days.

And Khatri, who is this Khatri?

Khatri is our relative from my father’s side. I told you about this before.

He is a wedding planner. He has planned everybody’s wedding.

What a brilliant deal he has gotten me! He got me a 5 lakh sherwani for 1.5 lakh

1.5? What? One second, please. Just give us 5 minutes.

Madam, after this, I have to go take measurements of a TV star.

Sorry, just give us 5 minutes.

Masterji, 5 minutes.

Baby, what is this?

What happened? Did you not like this? He showed me another one in baby pink as well.

But it's cleavage was dropping to the navel.

No, I am talking about the wedding.

Do you want this kind of a wedding?

What do you mean?

This kind. Where we and our parents spend lakhs of rupees to please some random

unknown 500 relatives who will come, dance, eat, drink and judge us all night long?

Yes, exactly! Do you read minds?

Didn’t you say that marriages aren’t a one day

affair, what surrounds it is more important?

I just said that in anger to win the argument. You take everything too seriously.

You have told me so many times that you will murder me! Have I filed an FIR against you?

Baby, think about this? You had to quit your job because of me.

Till the time you get a new job, I will be on a maternity leave. Our parents,

too, are retiring soon. We are running low on savings. We cannot afford this.

Tanu, don’t worry about the expenses. Khatri has told

me that the whole wedding will be under 50 to 60 lakhs.

What! Where is this Mr. Khatri? Let me just talk to him and put an end to this crap.

I will decide how my wedding will go, not some Mr. Khatri. Okay?

Tanu? Tanu? At least listen to me. -50 lakhs? Right!

You always leave; never listen to what I am trying to say.

Tanu?

Ok girls. Get in the groove.

Ya, I want a big smile. Come on!

And flowers on.

And bride's entry.

Go right, go left.

Bhaiya, where is Mr. Khatri?

Hey you fucker! Finish it quickly. We need to leave.

Kill it.

I drink about 15- 20 cups of tea in a day. They have to be served hot.

There are 2 things I am very particular about. This is one of them.

But that is the thing with tea you know,

if you leave it lying unattended for a couple of minutes,

it transforms itself from a hot cup of tea to lukewarm sugar water.

And I hate drinking lukewarm sugar water.

So I normally don’t leave my tea to gradually decay by itself, unless,

there is someone trying to ruin the second thing that I am very particular about.

Can you try and take a guess as to how you almost wrecked my wedding?

I am sorry ma’am, actually, my sister had called so I had gone outside.

Make it brief, my tea is getting cold.

To not wear our shoes on the carpet.

The elephant can remember then.

Do you have dreams, child?

Dreams? Do you have dreams? What do you dream about?

Ma’am, I want to open my own restaurant some day.

For purely, fictional purposes,

let us assume that you have managed to set up this beautiful

restaurant, this udipi joint, with veg thallis and all.

And imagine on the opening day,

people have lined up, everyone is dying to enter,

but as you open the door, there you see, a giant muddy patch on the doorstep.

It would break your heart, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it?

It would.

Now, imagine, hundreds of people at this wedding,

friends, family, relatives, and everyone’s heart breaking together, at the same time.

I am sorry ma’am. I’ll fix it.

How? The carpet won’t clean itself.

I’ll just clean it.

This carpet is more dear to me than your feet.

You will all go and clean your feet right now.

Let’s go.

Sorry.

I don’t mean to intervene actually we don’t need this.

You don’t have to do this.

We don’t need this carpet.

We don’t need any of this.

When you say we,

is it that bihari thing when you refer to yourself in the plural?

No, no. By we, I mean Mikesh and I.

I am Tanya, the bride to be.

Ya, actually you know I left town for two days and all this misunderstanding.

I... just... This is just not a part of our plan.

Plans change with great leaders.

Give it time, you will be fine.

No, no no no. This is really like not our thing.

This is just too much and

actually I am looking for Mr. Khatri, the one in charge.

If I could just speak to him?

Oh ho, too bad. Mr. Khatri is in Delhi,

his children had monthly tests. So, he decided to stay back.

Okay, so you are?

Seema, the one in charge.

Or as you would rather like to call Mrs. Khatri.

Jagan, get another cup of tea!

We have eaten so much while tasting little bites.

Do you want some tomato sauce?

No, I don’t like Ketchup. Thank you.

No, thank you.

I am done.

I am ordering tea for myself;

do any of you want anything?

Orange Juice? Will you have some?

I will also have an orange juice. I will also have some.

Bring three orange juices and a cold coffee for me.

Ravinder uncle really likes it, let’s see how it tastes here?

I am sorry. Lata, don’t get perplexed.

You told me not to talk about it but I want to say it. Sir?

Yes.

Sir, in my life, a big tragedy has occurred.

It is that I have never become friends with a beautiful man.

All my friends are so ugly.

That Kundu, he looks like a cobbler.

But when I saw you,

I realised, there is God.

I mean, beautiful, you are so beautiful. Sir has got such personality.

You shall see, his jokes will continue like this all day long.

But, really, Mikku also praises you a lot.

Yes, a lot.

He keeps saying that he spoke to you. As if you are his best friend.

No, he has never said best friend.

He may have said close friend, but never best friend.

But he talks a lot about you.

He doesn’t talk about you at all.

But he talks a lot about you.

It is better that he speaks less about me.

He might not have a lot to say about me.

No, no, nothing like that.

Tanya talks a lot.

She has said that she has an aunt who lives in Mumbai.

But I didn’t know that you were so close.

Actually, in her childhood, I was the only woman around her.

She was in the hostel then.

She used to meet me once in a month.

She liked me a lot.

She can’t talk to her father about everything.

So, you must have been a mother-figure to her?

Yeah, she didn’t even have a lot of options,

So she had to make do with me.

Actually, Ila, has been more than an aunt for Tanya.

That is why we were thinking of talking to you about a certain thing.

But Ila said that we should wait until after Mikesh and Tanya’s wedding.

We can talk after that.

Okay, so, we will talk then.

Anyway, we shall keep meeting now.

Without a doubt, without a doubt!

Okay, as you think is right.

Anyway, now we are almost like family.

Yes, yes. Now everybody is family.

Only I have been adopted from an old age home.

That is why; I have been made to sit separately like a driver.

Papa you only said you were feeling cold here. Didn’t you say that?

You should have sat instead of me. Why did you send me away?

Sir, come here. We shall switch off the AC here.

Who is this tall man?

He is Tanya’s father. Papa, you have met him four times before, haven’t you?

Oh, yes. Our boy got your girl pregnant. Sorry.

Yes, you have told me 4 times.

Papa, this is enough. You finish your food.

Eh, is this something to eat?

I thought this would be a wedding atmosphere. I would get pizza etc.

They have sandwiched a banana in milk and roti.

What is this? Banana? Yuck.

Hey Gollu!

Yes, you. Hello! Are you done or do you want to eat more?

Done.

Done? Put all your leftovers in this.

Lata, doesn’t give me food in the afternoons.

I will eat all of it.

Papa, enough of this. Now go and rest.

I shall get 10-12 pizzas for you.

I want chaat masala on top too.

Papa, I shall send oregano for you.

Oregano? Okay.

Old generation. Sorry, I apologize. What do to, I have only one father.

I understand.

*phat phat phat phat phat phat phat*

The crackers should burst for at least 15–20 mins.

Everybody will think it is over.

But again *phat phat phat phat phat phat phat*

It should continue for 15-20 mins more.

And in between light sutli bombs.

There will be surprise in it.

What happened about the horse? The photo hasn’t come yet.

Mikesh?

Yes, yes Tanya, I’ll come in a minute.

Shilpi, pay attention okay?

I want an extremely majestic, white horse.

The child may be less cute. We can cover his face.

But there should be no compromise on the grace of the horse. I’ll be back.

Oh brother, we are done with the phat phat phat.

Tanu where do you keep going?

Do you know how tensed the masterji was?

I am leaving.

Leaving? Don’t you want to rehearse for the dance?

We have a couple dance on “Sajanji ghar aaye”.

Do you know how difficult the steps are?

You can do what you want, I don’t want to do this glittery wedding.

Why are you doing this Tanu? It is so beautiful.

Look at this, we have even installed a Gerard Butler statue.

There are even beggars from Europe. Hi!

Have you seen the love of my life?

No, I don’t have change. Ask someone else.

He is kidding.

What do you want from me? Do you want that to make one night special,

we and our parents should keep paying loans for 3-4 years?

We cannot do this to them. Please, we will have to cancel all this.

How can we cancel this?

We have given 30% in advance to the owner and we have horses auditions,

and now you are talking like this.

I'll look after the horse. At least go and talk to the owner about the advance.

Just talk to him, say sorry and get the advance back, okay?

Then we will go talk to the parents, and they will also understand.

No, Tanu. You... What will the owner think of me; such an unprofessional groom.

Does anybody ask for an advance back like that?

The owner might have a policy. He does business.

Thank God he is here.

Please, take me back? Please!

I told you. I cannot give you kids.

Security! Security! Get her off my property now!

Please, no! Please, no!

Move! -No. No!

Hey Laxman! Hey Lleo!

Who scheduled a threesome on a Tuesday?

Lax...Lleo? Mikesh. Tanya.

We used to drink alcohol together. You used to ask where is the space?

Oh, the one with the dominating girlfriend, right?

Yes.

Ya, ya. Come bro. Ask Scarlet to get me a back massage.

Chop, chop! Move your butt. Come on!

Hey bro. So you are getting married at my place, huh?

Hey kiddo! You have become way hotter, huh?!

This is so big.

Come, I will show you my den.

No, you guys carry on.

This car, horse, is all yours?

Come, it will be fun. -No thanks. You please go ahead.

Your loss.

Too much horse power bro.

Come bro. I’ll show you around.

Where?

I bought a new Jacuzzi. We will skinny dip.

What is the rate of this per square feet?

Very expensive, bro.

Have you put real gold glitter on your jacket? -Yeah, bro.

Taxi?

With respect, Shabnam.

Will you go?

It is OLA’s. Booking takes place via an app.

Okay. I’ll do it.

I have logged out.

So you won’t take a passenger?

Why don’t you take another cab?

There are so many OLA’s around.

I have a family matter. My brother's wedding is taking place.

I may have to go any time.

When they leave..

I roam around them for emergency purposes.

Where they are, I am.

Where I am, there is Shabnam.

Hey! Do you a cigarette?

Oh, Uncle! I am Purshottam.

That night when you chased someone thinking he was a thief, it was me.

Okay, now give me a cigarette.

I don’t smoke.

I used to chew tobacco but my teeth got rotten so I left it.

Damn. I am not getting a pizza. Not getting a cigarette. What kind of life is this?

I was more taken care off over there.

Since, I have come here, wedding, wedding, wedding.

Uncle, I have been waiting for so long for this wedding.

It is good that this time everything it set because of the baby.

The families are also ready. This time the wedding will take place.

Really? Are you sure? Will it take place?

I used to always say that if they took part in Nach Baliye, they would come first.

Their pair is like Ram- Sita.

Who can stop them from being together?

What if I stop them? Will you buy me a cigarette?

You?

Come on. Place a bet. I will break the marriage.

Who breaks a marriage over a cigarette?

You are right!

How much money do you have in your pocket?

Rs.40 for the toll. -Okay, then.

The bet has been set for one packet of cigarette and...

Rs.40, the marriage will break.

He is your grandson. Why would you do that to him?

What is your problem? What is your problem?

Uncle, don’t hit me.

If they are Ram-Sita in Kalyug, I must be Hanuman.

If there are Ram, Sita and Hanuman, then Ravan will come, too.

Masterji, why have you wasted so much cloth?

Cut this make her costume out of it.

Hey, Seema! Mrs. Khatri, I just need to speak to you for 2 mins.

You may, but do I need to listen, because in case you forgot your glasses...

I am kind of in the middle of something here.

Okay, I thought that I would let you know that ...

Mikesh is upstairs talking to the owner and unbooking this venue.

The wedding is not happening here.

I don’t think you were listening to me the last time we spoke.

I was going to speak to my parents, so I thought I should give you a heads up.

You will need the time to clear out these arrangements. So, okay?

Girls you will give us a moment in private, please.

Come on move!

Sandhya, please close the door behind you.

Take a seat Tanya.

Listen, Seema.

I am sorry.

I know you have planned a lot but it is just that it is my day you know?

This day is going to mark the beginning of, touch wood,..

our happy lives together and

I don’t want all this.

So let me just get married the way I want to.

You think this is a marriage?

We have all assembled here for a marriage?

I have been working for the past 3 days for your marriage?

Nope.

This is not a marriage.

There never is a marriage

Here we never just have a marriage.

We have a haldi ceremony, a tilak ceremony

a jaimala, a sangeet, a mehendi,

a reception and what not!

So Tanya, this is not your day of marriage.

This is a 5 day event.

This is a show and I am running it.

A company launches a car

Not the best in design, but cheap, high on mileage

low on maintenance, ideal for the Indian middle class family

But no one purchases the car. You know why?

Because everyone knows

it is meant for the Indian middle class family

and you don’t want a middle class car.

You want a car that is out of your range.

Because in India, your car and your wedding show your status.

And you dared to think that it was your special day?

It is not about you,

it is about the chandeliers and the decorations

it is about the malai kofta and the butter chicken

it is about your jewellery and his turban

it is about the colour of the envelope in which your wedding card was sent,

it is about everything, except you.

Because no one cares about you.

More than half the people in your wedding have never even met you,

nor will they once they finish eating.

People come to a wedding to satisfy 4 out of their 5 senses

They see the lights, they hear the music,

the smell the flowers,

they taste the food but they don’t feel anything for you.

How will they? They have barely even met you.

But they will definitely create a memory for you

and for your family.

And how good that memory is or how bad it is

will depend entirely on how this show was performed.

I have encountered many girls like you in my profession.

You think you are modern,

Educated!

beyond the barriers of Indian society.

These traditions seem silly, orthodox

superstious even.

And what is your response to that?

Touchwood, I will never become like them

Touchwood,

Really!

You find touching the feet of elders ridiculous

but you believe that touching furniture will bring you luck?

You stuff yourself with junk food.

You validate yourself with likes on social media.

You take photographs of yourself inside loos,

and we are the ones who are stupid?

About an hour ago, Sandhya showed me your measurements.

When families themselves are in such a hurry to get their children married,

girls usually have a waist size like yours.

And I have done enough weddings in my life to recognize

what condition you are in.

Now!

if the entire extended family

and friends were to get to know about your pregnancy,

then I don’t think your parents will have a great time.

Please don’t consider it a veiled threat, Tanya

A relative of mine is getting married however distant he maybe,

if people were to get know that he had a lacklustre wedding

it will really hurt my image.

So you see it is a matter of reputation for all of us.

So put on a smile Tanya

and pretend like this is everything you have ever wanted.

You know once the stage is set

and the music starts playing

you will actually start enjoying the process

accept gifts, pose for the cameras,

cry your heart out when your parents see you off.

Align yourself to the plan

and you will be the perfect bride.

Little girls will look up to you and

dream of having a wedding like yours.

This is a show Tanya

so better start dancing to my tunes.