Original subtitles

Out.

Come on. You go stitching yourself up.

Ladies and gentlemen, step up.

Step up.

I, Mercury, the messenger of the gods,

invite you… invite you, sir,

tonight, for one night only,

here, at this very venue, to enter into the mind,

the very great mind…

of Doctor Parnassus.

Doctor Parnassus!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Doctor Parnassus, as old…

as old as time. Yes.

He is over a thousand years old.

He has the power to empower your mind.

Let Doctor Parnassus open your imagination.

Let him… let him transport you.

Oh, my God. Oh, check out the lights.

Check out that.

Transcend the heights on Beauty's wing.

Whoa, whoa!

Check this.

Dave, Dave, haway. Come on, we'll go get these sorted.

Check this out, sweetheart.

Come here, my love, near me.

Come on, love.

Where is he, then? Come on.

If you must…

scour the squalid depths

with Putrid's brother, Stench…

Raaaa!

Join the queue.

Only five quid a go.

Bang. Bang.

You choose… you choose… you choose fulfilment?

Whoa! Sir, please… Sir, please, if you will…

Whoa! Whoa!

Sir, please, you cannot audition without a ticket, I'm afraid, sir.

Give us a kiss. Please don't.

Hey… You all right down there, mate?

All right, Captain Planet? Get off the stage, you damn drunk.

What are you doing, little man?

He's got us by the leg.

Ha-hey!

Hey, man, check it out. It's not even real.

Hey!

Get off the stage!

Mm, that's a nice pair of tits. I said, get off the stage!

Nah.

I want you, like. Come here, man.

Come here, man. Hey, hey, come here!

Hey-hey!

What are you running away for?

Yoo-hoo! There she is!

Come 'ere, gorgeous. Come 'ere…

Oh, shite.

I'm coming after…

I'm gonna feel your arse.

Come here, gorgeous.

Come back, you bitch!

Me nose!

Ohhh…

Oh, my face!

My face! My gorgeous face!

Martin!

He went with that cow!

I'll scratch her eyes out! Oi, you two.

My boyfriend is in there!

Anybody there?

Anybody there?

Please, is anybody there?

Please! Please!

Mum!

Aaargh!

Help me!

Please…

I'll never drink again. I promise.

Honest.

From now on, I swear, not a drop.

Oh, really?

Whoo!

You have chosen well.

The path to Parnassus Is steep.

The way Is long.

But with perseverance,

and fierce dedication,

the heights are attainable.

So with spirits high and a spring in your step,

with a song In your heart,

the clouds will part,

the heavens will open

and you will be a man, my son.

Hi there. Come on in.

Looks like you could use a drink.

Maybe just the one.

Hey!

Make mine a double!

Oh!

He won, I lost.

I lost again.

What were you doing? He was chasing me.

What was I supposed to… Don't go through the mirror.

Never. You know that. Oi, you!

Gunga Din.

Come 'ere.

What do you think you're playing at?

Playing? Oh, no, no, no.

We don't play.

What we do is deadly serious.

Gone.

Will we miss him? I don't think so.

Don't worry if you don't understand it all immediately.

Right, look, I want you freaks out of here, now.

Ow!

Sorry, I didn't mean to use that word. All right? Vertically deficient.

Defunct?

Vertically d…

Vertically challenged. Vertically…

Vertically challenged. Whatever you are, get off of my beat or I will do you.

You included. D'accord. D'accord.

Who threw that? Bonne nuit.

You're nicked.

Take a ticket. Wait your turn.

Only 20 quid a go.

Reduced to five for one night only.

Ladies and gentlemen, this world, this world that we live in…

is full of enchantment…

for those with eyes to see it.

Chicken!

I want to go there, there and there.

I want something to eat. Stop going on.

No. They won't let you, darling.

But I want to, I want to.

Linda! You never let me…

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Do you mind?

Anton.

Anton, he went back there.

Just go and er… I'm going to go back. Ssh.

Diego! Diego!

Die.

Die! Yes.

Yes.

Please exit the Imaginarium immediately.

Choice is not available without parental consent.

Die!

Yeah!

If one of you perverts has got our boy, I won't be answerable for my actions.

Diego! Diego!

Diego!

Ah…

W-What?

She's not looking for him. I don't care!

Hello.

Voilà.

Yeah! Oh, it worked!

Where have you been? I've been worried sick.

One little devil out of the fire…

Wipe that silly expression off your face, you little poof. Get up.

The astounding world of Doctor Parnassus. Thank you.

Anton? Yes, sir.

You know the rules about the mirror? Yes, I do. I'm sorry, sir. I'm really…

He was a ten-year-old boy. I know.

You did well, my boy. You did well.

Good lad. Good lad.

Thank you.

Good lad. Good lad. Thank you.

You go through the mirror and he's all over you.

I do it once and he serves you my head on a plate.

Come on now, Valentina. You're his daughter.

Do you know what I mean? And you're scrumptious…

His scrumptious daughter.

Why did I say “scrumptious”?

Beautiful.

Intelligent. Sweet.

“Scrumptious”? Idiot!

Hey, Parny.

It's been a while.

Whoa… Last call.

Hey, Anton. Yes, Percy?

What did I say? Stop Percying about.

We don't have all night.

Bloody kids again.

What's up, Doc? Hey!

Don't we love our children?

She's ripe as a peach.

Sweet little 16.

And all mine!

He's come to collect.

I thought so.

He's early.

What can I do?

Nothing.

There must be something.

How many days left?

Three.

You know, you're gonna have to tell her soon.

Will you shut up about food?

We're plum out. And I'm starving.

Oh, Percy, we've still got a couple of potatoes left.

Ooh, look at this. Hey, that's mine.

Oh, won't you look at that? That is…

That's private! It's gorgeous.

Give it. All that mahogany, oh!

Anton!

Would you really be happy in a place like that?

Would you?

I wouldn't. I couldn't do it, I don't think.

Well, maybe if I was with you.

Ah-ah!

Sssh.

You're always talking about escaping, aren't you?

Always thinking about it. Always dreaming about it.

Let's do it.

Why not? You and me. I can't run away.

You and me. We can't run away. I can't.

I'm underage.

Oh, don't do that.

I shall be 12 on Wednesday.

Don't be ridiculous.

Percy, how old will I be on Wednesday?

12.

Ha! See?

Parnassus says so too.

Are you trying to say he's ridiculous? No.

Actually,

I'm really going to be 16.

Sweet 16.

The age of consent.

Is that you, Scrumpy?

Who the hell else is it gonna be?

Oi, you haven't eaten any of this!

Yes, I know, I know. And that again?

For God's sakes, Dad! Put 'em up.

Come on. You're always taking the easy way out.

No, no. Not now, Scrumpy. Not now.

I have something very important that I have to tell you.

Oh, why does everybody want to live forever?

Immortality is a bloody curse.

So is pretending to be a 12-year-old child, damn it.

Look at me. I mean…

Look at me. Nobody's fooled.

And I want this stupid thing off my ankle too, while we're at it.

You can't stop me growing up just by lying about my birthday.

Shut up and listen to me!

I have to explain something to you before it's too late.

One winter night…

Is this gonna take long? Yes, yes, yes, quite possibly.

Many years ago…

Er… many centuries ago, in fact,

when I was -believe it or not-a young monk,

someone visited me in my sanctuary,

someone I had hoped never to meet.

Someone…

none of us should ever hope to meet.

Having captured the wind,

tamed the storm,

kept the stars in their orbits and the earth turning on its axis,

the Chief Steward, lying down to take his rest,

had a most disturbing dream.

He dreamt that a hooded rider was fast approaching on the snowswept plain.

The Chief Steward woke.

And so the Steward set out on his great journey…

What exactly do you all do here? We tell the eternal story.

And what is that, exactly?

The story that sustains the universe.

The story without which there is nothing.

Nothing?

You mean…

stop telling the story and the whole universe ceases to exist?

You make it sound so simple.

And you believe it?

We are ordained for this task.

It's just incredible to me,

that you can believe something that can be so easily disproved.

Oh, I don't think so.

Hm.

We'll see.

I will gather a thousand… So.

Stop!

Having been brought to the limit of his endurance…

Yet the forces of evil could not prevail…

our calmness of…

There.

The story stopped.

No more story.

But we're still here.

The fire's still burning.

It's still snowing. The wind's still blowing.

Nothing has changed.

Come on, cheer up, Doc.

I've freed you from all this ridiculous nonsense.

Now you can do other things with your powers.

You can erm…

I dunno, you can go shopping.

Have fun.

You can learn a foreign language or… or go on a cruise.

God!

Damn it!

A sign, a message.

That bird was a messenger…

from some distant place that we know nothing of.

Oh, I see it all now,

so clear.

This has nothing to do with us here.

Somewhere in this world, right now,

someone else is telling a story.

A different story. A saga or romance,

a tale of unforeseen death. It doesn't matter.

It's sustaining the universe.

That's why we're still here.

You can't stop stories being told.

That's a weak hypothesis.

I don't think so.

Say, you're probably not a betting man, are you?

What?

And that was my first wager with the Devil.

You see, the very first of us to…

attract 12 disciples would win the bet.

His argument:

The necessities of danger, of fear, of the fabled bliss of ignorance.

Mine:

The power of the imagination to transform and illuminate our lives.

It was a hard fight but I won.

My prize?

The one thing I coveted most-everlasting life.

Huh.

Everlasting torment.

He tricked me. He let me win.

He knew that times would change.

And that one day, no-one would want my stories.

This was the price of my arrogance.

Forgotten, lost, alone.

Desperate.

We've stopped.

Go on with your story.

No, another time.

Something's happened. You'd better go and see.

Why do you always do this? You always stop in the middle of your stories.

Valentina, come here. Valentina, come here.

I just saw someone… someone dancing on the water.

I swear. I swear.

When the lightning flashed, there was a shadow…

thrown from those pillars over there.

Do you see that? Do you see the dancer?

Yeah, he's river dancing. Yeah, he's river dancing. See that?

That's someone hanging!

He must be under this bridge.

Hanging?

Get a rope.

If he's hanging by his neck, he's already got a rope.

Get a rope! OK.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly! Percy, Percy! Christ!

All right, all right.

OK, lower, lower, lower. All right.

Stop, stop!

Jesus. Agh. All right. OK.

OK. OK.

OK.

No, I can't… I can't reach him.

Hold on, I'll swing you.

I'm gonna swing you in.

All right, try again.

Whoaagh!

Again, up.

Yes.

I've got him.

Oh, my God, what am I doing? Oh, my God!

Sir, are you all right?

OK, I've got you here.

Get in there.

OK, put your arms round me. Put your arms round me. Oh, jeez!

OK.

All right.

Come on. Stay with me, mate.

Aarrghh!

You've done it. Brilliant!

OK, pull him up. Pull me up!

Jesus Christ!