Original subtitles

All right, Chevy.

Chevy, you're very handsome.

-Oh, stop it. -How did you become so funny?

Uh, what was the first part?

Lorne said if I just stared into the camera

that that'd take a lot of guts.

Danny.

There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing.

Action, Laraine.

Um...

Hi.

Did I spell your name right?

I'm Garrett Morris, talking to all you white Americans

about the way Black people have been treated in America.

Now, I know a lot of you feel guilty, and you should.

You see, um, having a catheter,

a lot of people think it's funny,

and they like to see me dance.

Now, I-I look up, and I-I see...

I see it coming down, now, real quick,

and I see discs, whirling discs.

All right.

Oh, really? Ra-Rad... Radney?

I'm not gonna talk about... Nah.

Whirling around, whirling around.

I see all kinds of lights. Then they just drop me.

In order to get that much iron, you'd probably have to overeat.

Send your check or money order to White Guilt Relief Fund.

Are we ready? Should we go?

At the sound of the tone,

the time will be 10:00 p.m.

Free show.

There's wedding bells again for...

Plenty of tickets left, guys. Free show.

No?

-Hey, free show, man. -Fuck off.

Hey, sir, free comedy show.

Plenty of seats.

Perfect for date night.

Um, you are invited to a new variety spectacular

featuring a parade of comedy and musical acts

ripped from the charts.

-Jesus Christ. -Where did they unearth

such a cavalcade of talent?

Hey, man. You okay?

Maybe ask me again in 90 minutes.

Why? What happens in 90 minutes?

Uh, we go live.

Oh. Far out, man.

Congrats. Miss? Show?

-Thank you. -Hey, wait, if it's live,

then why the hell are you down here?

-Free show? -I'm...

Fuck's sake.

-...waiting for... -Mr. Michaels.

Ah. It's 10:00, Andy.

Here, come on.

Wh-Where do I park?

You are invited to a new variety spectacular...

Uh, you can just pick him up at 1:00, Mrs. Kaufman.

-Do you like my suit? -Very elegant, Andy.

-This is my favorite suit. -We're heading out. Come on.

Where did they unearth such a cavalcade of talent?

Come on, Andy.

-Bye, Mommy. -Bye, honey. I love you.

-Andy, come on. -Move, you asshole!

Andy, please, come on.

This is beautiful.

Yeah.

You know, actually, down there is where Diego Rivera was hired

to paint a fresco for the American worker?

I cannot see this.

Well, no one can 'cause Diego was a commie

and added Vladimir Lenin in the middle of the night,

so the Rockefellers had it plastered over.

Deliveries use the back.

-I'm producer of the show. I'm... -Where's your badge?

-My... -Where's his badge?

I... Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.

I'm the producer of "Saturday Night."

-The whole night? -Hey, hey, he's good. He's good.

Yeah, the whole night. I'm producing every show in there.

-Let him in. Let him in. -I'm good. You see?

Live on a Saturday night? Must be some show.

Hey, you're doing a great job. Really, great stuff.

What kind of name is "Saturday Night"?

Andy, come on, please.

Okay. We're rushing.

Uh, eighth floor, and book it.

Put on your seat belts.

So, big night.

Oh, Andy, have you had dinner?

Uh, yes, I-I had spaghetti.

Oh, that sounds delicious.

Uh, hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls from upstairs.

-You ordered a llama? -A llama?

Yeah, we all decided it was much funnier than a donkey.

Right. Just, the guys down at the loading dock

weren't expecting a... you know, livestock.

Well, NBC did ask for something fresh and unexpected.

Th-That is true. That's true.

Uh, just, you know, they also weren't expecting you to demand

an overhaul on the entire lighting and sound package.

Did anyone ask Edison what a light bulb was

before he harnessed electricity?

Who are you in the metaphor?

The light bulb?

We can't expect people to recognize

something they've never seen before.

Right, okay, yes, you're correct.

But just, how about a final script?

It's not that kind of show.

Okay, well, what kind of show is it, Lorne?

Do you even know what the show is?

Of course.

Are you gonna share it with the rest of us?

Yes.

In 88 minutes.

Oh, my God.

Uh, have you tested the quality of the sound system?

-Uh, no, I haven't. -'Cause the speakers

look left over from Arturo Toscanini.

Uh, I mean, that's not really my job.

Coming through!

Lorne, did you order more lights?

-Hey, come on! Move it! -Is this your card?

How'd he do that?

He's a fucking magician, numb nuts.

-Hey, Neil. -Oh, hey.

You got to be right by my side, man, locked to my hip.

Remember, when you're here, you're not my cousin.

-You're my executive assistant. You're important. -Really?

-Like, in the credits, it'll say? -Well, no, but you and I

-will know. -They're looking for you in the control room.

-Okay. -Also, Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet.

-Right. -Oh, oh, and the llama has arrived.

Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara.

Neil, memo: We need to reeducate

the NBC pages on the show.

You should've heard the guy outside.

What the hell is this?

"Saturday Night," it's a new kind of entertainment.

It's abstract and defiant. Avant-garde yet blue-collar.

And it's also a comedy.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Gilda, come on. We need you for rehearsal.

Oh.

Oh, careful. They're still drying.

-This is monumental work, Edie. -...is Mr. Martin Gresner.

Mr. Gresner, would you please tell our studio audience...

Jane, Jane, you're still attached.

...just how you became a victim of a shark bite?

You are so fluffy.

Hey, come on, Andy.

-You cut my Nazi Dr. Dolittle? -Uh...

He has ways of making the animals talk.

I'll check with the run-of-show board.

-Can you check again? -Package was addressed

to Al Franken and Tom Davis.

I don't know what to tell you fellas.

How do you lose 28 gallons of blood?

85 minutes till showtime!

Come on, guys.

These transitions need to be crisp.

Pretend like there's a hooker holding a sandwich,

waiting for you stage right.

We still need to rehearse five sketches.

Are we any closer on lighting cues?

Hey, Schiller, what are you up to?

I'm burning sage, removing demons.

Ooh, Garrett don't do voodoo.

Uh, Andy, this is Billy Crystal and Valri Bromfield.

-They're both in the show. -Andy!

They're both very nice. Please stay with them, okay?

Now, Andy is a certifiable comedic genius.

-He's redefining the form. -Nice to meet you, Andy.

We are in the presence of greatness.

Where is the bathroom?

Neil, can you show Andy to the washroom?

-Yeah, yeah. -There you are. Lorne!

-Uh, yeah? -I can't authorize the purchase of an antique...

Dick, Jim has a question about something.

-Here, let's talk over here. -He's out of control.

-Uh, okay. Hey, I understand. -Th-This isn't a budget.

It's a ransom note.

Someone asked for last Friday's "Johnny Carson"?

Where the fuck you been, Charlie?

Sorry, I've been busy. I'll be back in a little bit, okay?

Okey-dokes. So, as it stands, we have four host monologues,

two stand-ups,

two musical guests-- each with two performances--

a solo piece by Andy Kaufman, five parody commercials,

"Weekend Update," a film by Albert Brooks,

Jim Henson's Muppet thing,

not to mention seven sketches.

-Something for everybody. -Yeah, it's a lot of show.

-It won't fit. -We don't know that.

I know that.

The dress rehearsal was three hours.

Audrey thinks we're tight.

Audrey thinks it's time to make some

-tough decisions, actually. -Lorne, just cut some things.

-No, we will, but... -Am I still in the show?

Jesus Christ.

Sorry. Tripped over my penis.

-Still in the show, Chev. -Oh, I know.

Hey, you remember Jackie, my girlfriend?

-Fiancée. -It looks expensive.

She is. It is.

I never know when you're kidding.

Hey, Chev, can I, uh...

Can you show a little goodwill to your costar?

-Who? Belushi? -Mm-hmm.

God, God, what the fuck's the matter now?

I think it's just the new dynamic,

and there are a lot of expectations...

No, I'll tell you what the issue is.

We're not doing "The Radio Hour" anymore,

and he's built like an Albanian cheeseburger.

Chevy can't help if people are responding to his face.

I mean, I could, but I won't.

Right, well, no one's asking you

to deny your own magnetism, Chevy.

Maybe there's other roles for John to play,

like a hobo or a troll.

Or a fire hydrant.

-Or a Volkswagen. -Ah.

Or a hemorrhoid.

-You're looking sharp, Patches. -What?

You have to cut something.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Uh, Neil? -Oh, yeah.

Get me a key to this door.

In fact, I want keys to all the doors.

In the building?

If you can.

Frame up on the shot, okay, Cameron?

Let's go.

Bring camera two. That looks okay.

Hey, guys.

-Hey, Lorne. -Down in front.

-Down in front. Down in front. -Down, down. Thank you, sir.

-Dave, how are we looking? -Oh, g-good, good, good.

Still working on the 47 notes you gave me in your last visit.

Okay. H-How is morale looking out there?

-Morale? -Mm-hmm.

Uh, I think I can, uh, speak for the entire crew

when I say this is exactly

where we want to be on Saturday night.

-Okay. Great. -Yeah. Yeah.

Rocky? Wake up, will you?

Give me lights 25B, 25C.

Half down on 31. That's 32.

You've done this before, right?

Man, that's a lot of lights.

Charlie, you're gonna drop a testicle

-lifting that thing. -Good job, Charlie.

All right, quiet, please!

Here we go. Rehearsal's up.

Actors on their marks.

All right. Hey, guys,

we only have two minutes of commercials

to make it from stage right to stage left.

Anybody know the load bearing on the booms?

Oh, hello, fellas.

-What's up, Joe? -Hey, Joe. -Joe.

Can I get you anything?

-Refreshment? Mai tai? -I'll take a Schaefer.

Try and at least act like you're fucking working, please.

John, thank you for your patience.

Moments away, okay?

All right, next card:

"Al 'Bud' Franken."

Next card: "Tom 'Bud' Davis."

Okay, so this is... this is... this is a bit or...

Look, I don't get half the shit that they do.

Next card: "Rosie 'Bud,'" uh...

Lorne, is Rosie going with "Michaels" or "Shuster"?

That's a good question.

-Should I ask Rosie? -No, no, no, I'll-I'll...

-I'll take care of it. -All right.

That's good. That's actually looking good.

She's been at it for hours.

She's simply doing her job.

We have to comply with NBC standards.

Well, I refuse to comply.

-Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue. -Mm-hmm?

On page 12... oh, what is "clam diving"?

I believe the act of harvesting mollusks.

Stew. You're killing me here.

I just need the light for "Home Invasion."

Talk to the wunderkind. He's trying to light fucking

-"Jesus Christ Superstar." -Those are excuses.

There's four people up there. Get 'em lit.

I'm glad you're having fun, but this isn't helpful.

If that piglet disfigures my work,

I'm gonna turn her uterus into a sock puppet.

What is "zipper dinner"?

Two, ready for the entrance.

How many of these did you hide in the script?

Maybe a dozen.

It's like a scavenger hunt.

I know what blue balls are.

You don't say.

Come on, people.

Move with purpose. Let's do this.

-Al, is that-that your one? -It doesn't look...

Come on, give it.

All right, quiet, please.

Rehearsal is up.

Assault and burglary.

Okay, actors on their marks, please.

Cameras on their marks. Here we go.

Okay, let's see if we can get through one of these skits.

Sketches. Davey, please.

-Okay. Ready, camera one? -And...

-action on rehearsal. -Take camera one.

Oh, look, honey.

"Boeing, Boeing" with Jerry Lewis

is on in ten minutes.

Ready, camera two? Take camera two.

Ah, sweetheart, I'm tired.

I think I'm just gonna have another glass

of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?

-Aykroyd! -Cue Danny.

What's the problem?

What's going on, Dan?

It's a little lodged.

Hi there. Please do not be alarmed.

This is only a simulated assault and burglary.

Repeat, this is a simulated assault and burglary.

This could happen to you at any time.

-In fact, it just has. -Call the police!

No, no! Don't call the police.

I am the police. Well, I might be anyway.

Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer?

Hold. Aykroyd, one giant step

-to the right, please. -Uh, yeah. My right?

-Yes. -Sure.

Uh, say, man, you want me to say anything in this,

or am I the silent robber type?

Uh, I think we're gonna stick to the script this time.

-What script? -Thanks, Garrett. Okay.

Here we go. And action on rehearsal.

Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, my name is Kenny Vorstrather.

I'm president of Trojan Horse Home Security.

I've broken into your home tonight to illustrate to you

and your family just how...

Have your girders been checked?

I'll fucking break your fucking jaw!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -Play the cameras back.

Play the cameras back. Let's go.

-John, are you hurt? Are you hurt? -Get the...

-Oh, my God. -Jesus Christ!

I need a new gun. This is, uh... It's, uh...

Where's props for me, please?

Somebody clear the children, please!

-Hey, Stew, lights out, please. -Somebody get the fire?

Come on. You got any more fucking lights

-you want to drop on us? -Yeah, maybe.

Maybe, you motherfucker!

You want me to break your fucking jaw for you?

Fucking amateur hour!

I'll break your fucking jaw for you, motherfucker!

-Get the fuck off me! -Hey, hey, hey!

How dare you endanger my actors?

-Lorne, Lorne. -Oh, really? Yeah, oh, you're...

you're the one asking for a hundred

-fucking light cues, pal! -Feel free to let me know

when my expectations surpass your abilities.

You know, I-I don't know, guys.

It was kind of exciting. Like, it's probably good luck.

Wallie.

Uh, this one's not gonna work.

I need, uh, something with a little more heft.

It's got no stopping power. You know what I mean?

Script said "pistol."

Well, the script specifically called for

a Smith & Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

-Can we go again? -Uh, in this death trap?

Well, we've worked out the kinks. Give me that.

You know, I still think it was kind of funny.

How high will this thing go, Al?

-Gilda. Gilda. -Say hello to the camera, boys.

There's, um, home base.

Kid, this ain't an armory.

No one's gonna notice the difference.

I'll tell you who'll notice:

a few of the fine folks at home who lugged M16s

through four feet of swamp juice in Quang Nam.

Hey, boys.

Guess I picked the wrong day to not wear underwear.

Don't look too hard.

Proud of yourself? I give you and your circus

-till the end of the week. -Oh, that's funny,

'cause I give you till the end of the day.

-All right, everyone... -Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Mm-hmm!

Thank you, hermano.

Yeah, I-- Neil, not with the keys right now.

I been in this for almost 20 fucking years,

and shit like this has never happened...

Pow, pow! Pow, pow!

Hey, come on, man.

Violence, really?

My main man, Jim.

Say, uh, sorry for shooting your Muppets, man.

They're not just... They're your costars.

Say, you... you all right there, Jim?

Yes.

No.

I don't think the writers on the 17th floor speak Muppet.

They tied a belt around Big Bird's neck

and hung him from my dressing room door.

Hey, I heard about Big Bird.

So sorry.

Autoerotic asphyxiation. Who knew?

You're full of baloney.

Uh-oh. Cursing.

Consider me the first rat off this sinking ship!

-Oh, really? Oh... -Please don't jump to...

Oh, wow, that's mature.

Well, what can I say? Bon voyage.

Lorne, he was our lighting director.

-We need lights. -I'm sure there's someone else

in the building who can push a button, Dick.

Hey, he's the only one who knows the location

of the 200 lights you asked for.

What is this?

What's the meaning of this? Who did this?

Hey, I thought we were making a comedy.

♪ Hey, oh ♪

-Mm! -♪ Yeah. ♪

Sounding good, guys.

Yeah. Okay.

All right.

Say, uh, we actually worked together before.

I sang backup for Belafonte.

Catch that?

♪ Drink the coconut water ♪

♪ Four to five ♪

♪ Man, it's good for your daughter ♪

♪ Four to five ♪

♪ Coco got a lotta iron. ♪

Guy singing, too.

Man, how many people

-do they have playing tonight? -Wow.

No, no, no, see, I am one of the comedic performers, man.

Uh-huh. -Yeah, I'm in the...

-I'm in the cast. -You-you...

you are a professional comedian?

Uh, uh, well, uh, no, not-not-not-not by trade.

-Uh... -Okay, uh...

You see, I'm actually a playwright.

-All right. -Perhaps you saw my work

at the Black Arts Repertory Theatre in Harlem.

Yeah, I must have missed that.

Yeah, I actually don't know why they hired me, man.

Yeah, you seem a little tight.

-Little... -Do I?

Yeah, you got to kind of loosen it up for the show.

Say, Alvin. Hook Mister, Mister...

-What's your name? -Uh, Garrett Morris.

Garrett Morris, y'all, the comedian.

Yeah, hook Mr. Garrett Morris up

with a little bit of confidence.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, come...

-Oh, okay. -Go ahead and get it.

Medical-grade.

Shit so light, air at the bottom of the bottle.

You gonna float.

Float?

-I'm gonna put this away. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is, uh, illegal.

Yeah, well, you gonna need it for your comedy.

-Right. -Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. Yeah. -All right.

All right, y'all, let's get it.

Scotty, sound check.

All right, everyone, quiet for sound check.

Sound check!

This should be fun.

Is this... is this full volume?

It's the whole enchilada.

Uh, it sounds pretty adequate to me.

Well, this isn't Wimbledon.

It needs to feel like a rock concert for everyone at home.

Uh, Lorne has such a deep appreciation for music.

-Shouldn't we have more mics? -One band, one mic.

Dick, this needs to be fixed for-for tonight.

It's what I've been talking about.

Three, four!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this for John?

Yeah. I heard he's in makeup.

Do you like being yelled at or something?

Here, I've got this.

Where are you going?

♪ Pretty mama ♪

♪ You're looking fine ♪

♪ You do your thing ♪

♪ And I'll do mine ♪

♪ Right on... ♪

Oh, Jim, do not bet on that hand, please.

♪ Got my own thing ♪

♪ And I'm going right on ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Can you hold the door?

Ooh. Easy on the macaroni, Carmine.

All right.

You don't want to hurt your stomach.

All right, Rosie.

There he is.

The star of the show.

Oh, come on, Rosie, not the fucking bees.

I'm not a dashboard ornament.

No. You're adorable is what you are.

And all that fur-- every girl's gonna want to squeeze you.

I am a trained professional.

Well, you better watch where you point that stinger.

Come on.

You want a little cig?

What happened to my reporter costume?

Blaine Hotel?

It's a five-second changeover

from the reporter to ancient Greece, okay?

Lorne didn't think you'd have time

to get into your toga.

O-Okay.

Excuse me. Ma'am.

Oh, don't be alarmed.

You're dealing with a fully qualified male strumpet.

Hey, Rosie, I got the latest version of "New Dad."

Okay.

Behave. Bee-have.

Mm-hmm.

I can assure you professional hygiene...

Oh.

...discretion, animal gratification.

Listen, strumpet.

It's Fred Garvin, male prostitute.

How much is this gonna cost me?

Hey.

Speaking of costumes, I told them to make

-those hot pants extra hot. -Yummy.

Oh, Lorne, we're gonna go check out the cut on "New Dad."

You want to see?

Holy shit. Holy shit. Sorry, Lorne.

Jesus.

Hey, I heard John doesn't like the bee costume.

-You know anything about this? -It's not a costume problem.

He thinks he's Brando.

-He's better than Brando. -Lorne. Lorne.

I'm-I'm working on it, Dick.

He's better than Brando. He's more important even.

-He'll be studied. -They will study his liver.

-Move away! Let's go! -John is better when he's angry.

Rosie, you understand that in an hour

I owe a television program?

I made a covenant with the National Broadcasting...

-A covenant, huh? -Yeah, a covenant,

and I'm on the hook for 90 minutes of live television.

Okay, Abraham.

Rose, must you turn him into a bee?

I am not turning him into a bee.

Thanks, Tom.

He is a man in a bee costume.

-There is a difference. -Mm.

It's an image you can't get out of your head.

It's postmodern. It's Warhol.

It's iconic.

Mm-hmm. Where do these ideas even come from?

Oh, I just send an imaginary dog

-to fetch an imaginary stick. -Oh, yeah?

-Must be some dog. -He's very well trained.

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, pal. Hey.

How are ya?

Looks like Chevy's fiancée

slipped and fell into another segment.

Jacqueline's gonna be hosting the show if you're not careful.

Jesus Christ.

...a wonderful family.

Everything you need for the future.

-Danny's good in this. -Yeah, he is.

What if you were suddenly out of the picture?

Can we add sound there over the "X"?

Like a buzzer?

-No, funny, like-like a bell. -Oh, good call.

And if we could hold on the photo

for another eight frames.

Um, 16 frames.

Everything...

Were you, uh...

thinking of going home with him tonight?

Uh, with Danny tonight?

Yeah, I mean, I'm not suggesting...

Uh, if you need alone time, I can just...

No, no, no, I just didn't know if...

It's opening night, so I figured

-that it wasn't the right time. -Neither did I.

Well, then why are you asking?

Uh, just avoiding surprises.

-But you love surprises. -Oh, I love surprises.

Like Anne Frank loved her drum set.

Don't encourage her.

Can you hold on that photo

for another eight frames, please?

-It's always eight frames. -Eight frames is a beat, so...

Can you believe that I need to cut an hour of the show?

Oh, NBC doesn't want a three-hour sketch comedy revue?

Oh, Jesus, Rose, don't call it that, please.

Well, what is it, then?

Honey, I'm home.

Yes, it's New Dad...

I spent years collecting

orphaned comedians off the street.

I know.

They sleep on our dinette, and they whiz in our sink.

By some miraculous accident, I found a place to call home

for our little circus of rejects

on national television.

Rose, this is our shot.

It's a shot.

Rose.

You're actually nervous.

Oh, uh, Barbara was asking about, um,

your credit on the show.

I figured you'd go with "Michaels."

Is that what you want?

I...

I mean, you know, we're married.

You're my wife.

I figured it's the straightest line.

Lorne, we're married, but I'm not your wife.

Yeah, I don't think that'll fit on the crawl.

Well, what would you prefer?

Lorne, Lorne! NBC execs are waiting

in the green room for you.

-Oh, fuck. -Uh, VTR needed this yesterday.

Well, it looks great.

Tom, Al, what's this about?

-Hey, Lorne. -Hey, Lorne.

-A last-minute piece. -Just in case you need it.

I don't. What's the gag?

Uh, we're gonna dress Aykroyd up as Julia Child.

-America's favorite chef. -Okay.

And right as she's carving up a turkey on live television...

She slices open an artery.

-Blood everywhere. -Everywhere.

Oh, that's the whole pitch?

Yeah, just America's favorite chef painting the walls

-with her insides. -Total gore fest.

It's gonna be utter carnage, boss.

Oh, no. I'm Julia Child,

and I've cut the dickens out of my finger.

-Sounds promising. -Wait, wait, boss,

I didn't even get to the good part yet.

-Just put down a tarp. -Yeah.

He doesn't like the Julia Child bit.

Uh, George?

-How's Carlin? -Warming up the pipes.

Okay. Well, uh, I heard Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet.

Formality.

Uh, yeah, well, they're pretty formal here.

Uh, speaking of, the folks in Standards

are a little uneasy about the parody commercial

playing right before the regular ads.

I think they think the viewers might be a little confused.

One might argue that's what makes it humorous, Dick.

Yeah, but, Lorne, at what point

are we not just making fun of the audience?

Oh, hardly. It's commedia dell'arte.

If anything, it'll make the other commercials

feel all the more real,

and the sponsors will probably thank you.

-Oh. -Who's in there?

-Should I be concerned? -No, uh, just try not to use

words like "underground" or "revolutionary."

-I'm not exactly Che Guevara. -Yeah.

What the f... There's like a thousand people in there.

Fifty. The affiliates from across the country.

Lorne, they're excited to see the show.

I don't have time for this, Dick.

Lorne, these are the people that will decide

whether or not we have a hit.

They choose whether we go on the air.

We need them.

-Three minutes. -Tops.

-Uh, gentlemen. -Gentlemen.

Hello. Lorne Michaels.

Hi. Lorne Michaels. Hi. Lorne Michaels.

Nice to meet you. Pleasure.

Lorne Michaels. I'm... This is my show. Hi.

Where are we flying in from, gentlemen?

-Such a pleasure. -Chicago.

-New Orleans. -New Orleans. Wow.

Fantastic. Well, uh,

we're very lucky to have you Southerners here.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.

I'm the creator of the show.

Hi. Wow, firm handshake. Hi.

Appreciate your support, gentlemen. Thank you.

-Hello. Hi. -Tallahassee.

Tallahassee? Wow.

-Ladies and gentlemen... -Hi.

Who am I kidding? Gentlemen.

Can I see that?

Thank you.

Hope this isn't the only thing

getting sucked on this weekend, boys.

Jesus, you guys look like

the cast of "Godfather" if it was shot in Alabama.

I see some cowboys here.

That's a hell of a ten-gallon hat.

You look like you're ready for a date with livestock.

Welcome to New York.

It's quite diverse.

If you want to meet Black people, go to Harlem.

If you want to meet Jews, come to our writers' room.

Sir, you look like you're from Ohio.

My, uh... my favorite thing about Ohio...

Let me introduce you to our head writer,

our prince of darkness,

Michael O'Donoghue.

Mm, thank you.

Thank you, Chevy.

Um, I'm certain you all know Mister Rogers,

perhaps the most kind and gentle man

in all of television.

This is my impression of Mister Rogers

plunging 18-inch steel sewing needles into his eyes.

Okay, okay. Thank you, Michael.

Um, well, now you know why they put us on at midnight.

Um...

Uh, hello, everybody. My name is Lorne Michaels.

I'm the producer and creator of "Saturday Night."

We have a wonderful show for you this evening.

George Carlin, the great Billy Preston.

A film by Albert Brooks.

Jim Henson's Muppets.

We're, uh, excited for tonight.

Uh, because there's never been a television show

made for or by the generation

that grew up watching television, so...

In the words of my dear friend, Che Guevara,

-this is the revolution. -¡Viva la revolución!

Yes. Yes.

-Yes. -Okay. Thank you, Chevy.

Who's with us?

Heads on pikes!

Blood will run in the streets!

Come on!

Gentlemen, behold.

If you listen closely, you can hear Buffalo Bob

shuckin' the cob with Howdy Doody.

Lorne can get a little passionate,

and so can Chevy here.

-"Blood in the streets." -Yeah.

-Well, that sounds delightful. -Mm-hmm.

How much are we spending on this insurrection?

Uh, about 250 an episode.

Well, I guess revolutions aren't cheap.

-Right. -What, uh, what is this?

Absolutely not. No, no, no, no.

We're not gonna beg for their approval.

No, take it down. We don't need this.

Well, you know, Lorne Michaels is a special bird.

You know, he believes in his vision.

Well, that's nice.

Mm.

And he doesn't really bend.

We know how that story goes.

Mm-hmm.

Des Moines.

How'd you escape?

Well, I appreciate you saying that.

You know, my, uh... my father had good taste,

and my mom was an alcoholic.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Can I borrow him for a moment?

Enjoy the show, gentlemen.

You held that room like a pro.

Oh, thank you.

I mean it.

I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.

You know, I handle "The Tonight Show."

I didn't know that.

Between us, Johnny Carson isn't gonna be around forever.

Think about it.

You're a handsome, funny gentile.

That means something.

Uh, Lorne, you remember Dave Tebet.

Oh, of course.

I remember everyone who gives me a job, Dick.

Smart kid. Quite a lineup this evening.

You know, while I have you, I do understand

that we are bending some of the rules...

Lorne, uh, this is NBC.

There's a way things are done-- the Peacock way.

Right, well, we are thinking a little differently.

-We just, you know... -Maybe an emu.

Well, I just really don't...

Dick, shut the fuck up!

Can't you see talent when it's standing

-inches from your face? -Mm-hmm.

What do you think he's gonna do, embarrass us

with some half-assed, rat-fuck donkey show?

Frankly, that's exactly what I signed up for.

M-Michael.

I expect you to be an unbending force of seismic disturbance.

Light up that NBC switchboard like a bomb went off.

Well, I promise not to play the music too loud.

Ah, fuck that. This isn't Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.

It's "Saturday Fucking Night."

I want you to be thunderous and deafening.

If my ears don't bleed, I'll be asking for a refund.

Great. I-I mean, I've always seen this as a collision

that erupts from every screen in America.

-Yes. Yes. -A prism that captures

the light of an emerging generation...

Stop! Don't say another word.

Don't question another instinct.

-Ebersol. -Yes.

We're standing in the presence of a prophet.

Yeah, he certainly talks like it.

A man with a vision.

And I want you to take that vision

like a Sherman tank

and plow through any fuck that gets in your way, even me.

"Use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few."

I like that.

I'm putting it on my wall.

Was that a Hitler quote?

Atrocities aside, the man was a wordsmith.

Uh, you missed a call from Johnny Carson.

-I-I picked up the phone... -What did you tell him?

Uh, I told... I don't remember.

-He hung up on me, so... -Lorne, Lorne.

Is that a bunk bed?

I did have a UFO encounter experience once.

Danny ordered it for his office.

That's confidence. Can you find me something to eat?

Neil, why would he order a bunk--

All right.

Could you get that hippie shit out of my face?

And I'm actually very strong...

You think that he can do the voice?

Uh, it's Aykroyd. Of course he can do the voice.

It's Aykroyd, but that doesn't necessarily mean...

Hello, boys.

-Hey, Mike. -Hey, Mike.

-Are you nervous? -Nervous about what?

Performing on live TV.

I'd be shitting bricks.

Television is merely a lava lamp

with slightly better audio.

Colored beads to fascinate the animal.

I could do it in a narcoleptic coma.

Hello, Herb. How's "Update" coming?

"South Vietnam has seized and burned

a hundred thousand 'Playboy' magazines."

I'm still working on the punch line.

"For miles, all anyone could smell was roast bunny."

That's the one. Grab it, boys.

-Let's go. -We need that couch.

Rise and shine.

-Whoo! Okay. -Coming through.

Coming through.

Ooh, pages.

-Watch your back. -Coming through.

-Oh. Here we are. -This is...

You all right there, Chev?

Oh, things are, uh, kooper kippy, Herb.

I think it just happened.

Think I got the old shoulder tap.

The what?

You know, from the guys upstairs.

What's gonna happen to me?

I mean, Herb, you've been around the block.

Where am I going from here?

Well, I don't know, Chevy.

I never got a shoulder tap.

I just made a fortune and won a few Emmys,

slept with Gloria Steinem.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Here we are.

Oh, wow, you're in so many scenes.

Oh, yeah, but I'm always everyone's kid sister.

You're the hot one.

I think Jane's the hot one.

No, I'm the mom.

The still fuckable mom.

My instinct is that the American people

are gonna fall in love with you.

You'll be obscenely overpaid for pratfalls and cute jokes.

You'll waste away most of your life

with purchased company,

and then eventually you'll self-medicate

with booze and hookers and heroin.

I imagine you'll die alone,

falling out of a hotel room window in Stockholm.

Jesus.

I can't wait.

Well, you're everyone's favorite, Gilda.

Oh, I'm just a bagel looking for lox.

I'm a parrot with nothing to squawk.

Well, I keep feeling like any minute

Lorne's just gonna ship me back.

Aw.

No, on this budget, we can't afford the postage.

There's a reason you're here.

You may not know it, but Lorne d...

Oh, God!

You're dealing with a fully qualified male strumpet.

I am not a prop, mister.

You know, I can assure you, uh, professional hygiene,

discretion, animal gratification.

Why don't you assure me

a little peace and quiet, Mr. Strumpet?

You rang?

Yeah, I need the Muppet pages.

I already turned in that one script.

Oh, was Henson uncomfortable

with the Muppets on a plantation?

It was a musical number.

I don't think that's the problem.

I just can't write for those little hairy facecloths.

Well, I need something for Henson. We go live in an hour.

You cannot say "horny" on NBC.

Did you see what that evangelical cunt did

to our pages?

I'll be right back.

So you want us to say "sexy" instead of "horny"?

"Sexy" and "horny" just don't mean the same thing.

I struggle to see the difference.

Well, if a dog is humping your leg, it's horny.

It's certainly not sexy.

What on earth are you doing?

I'd rather butt-fuck cancer than make these changes.

Your words don't scare me, Mr. O'Donoghue.

I am a woman of God.

I'd heard God's love is blind.

Now I know why.

You see this?

I do.

I know it looks like an ordinary red marker,

but this one is special.

It has kept America safe for the better part of a decade.

It is a weapon against vulgarity,

sex, communism and hedonism.

Oh. What about violence?

Does it protect America from violence?

Yes. That, too.

Oh, how about infanticide?

Excuse me?

Apologies. Just a, uh, two-dollar word

for a parent who kills their own child.

The mere thought makes me nauseous.

Oh, understandably. Me, too, by the way.

It's just, I had this idea for a sketch,

and I'm not sure if it's funny-- you can be the judge.

It's about this powerful, temperamental guy

who rapes this virgin in the middle of the night.

I know. Awful.

Knocks her up without ever saying hello,

buying her flowers, whatever.

And then... then-- here's the funny part--

he has their bastard son publicly mutilated

and tortured to death on a cross.

You are a vile human.

Ah, fuck. You've heard this before.

Mr. O'Donoghue.

Are we still being formal?

Please, just call me Satan.

-No, I am Satan. -I am Satan.

-I am Satan. -I am Satan.

-I'm Satan. -No, I'm Satan.

You will be forgotten.

I am gonna make sure of it.

Well, we're Satan.

Bye.

Are you out of your mind?

Look, for better or worse,

-I call it like I see it. -That was worse.

Lorne, they need you at the loading dock.

I'm sure someone can sign for whatever.

-You're back on the Muppets. -Fuck you.

-I'll quit. -Yeah, I doubt that.

It's-it's Leo. He's been fighting with security,

and there's blood.

Dick.

Oh, shit.

Satan.

-Ah. -Hey.

-Hey, Dick. -Is this turkey? -

-While I have you... -Uh, there wasn't a sign, so...

-Great. -Lorne, Lorne, while I have you,

uh, I know you always want to be on the cutting edge.

Check this out.

Polaroid.

Okay.

Uh, we can have the actors demo it live,

write it into sketches, uh, do live commercials.

Funny ones. The payout is bonkers.

Dick, the cast didn't sign up to do live commercials.

Neither did I.

Some of the cast might find that very unseemly.

Mm-hmm. I completely understand, but, uh, uh,

television's driven by advertising.

It's what makes the motor run.

It's really not a big deal at all.

Just please don't show this to the talent.

I don't want them thinking they're back

on "The Kraft Macaroni Hour."

Neil, what, are we going kayaking?

What is this?

Uh, Lorne, we're over budget.

Dick, you don't need to tell me that.

Someone needs to tell you that.

We don't even know what the show is yet.

How could we possibly know the budget?

That's true. It's a good point.

Neil, please!

If we don't know what the show is,

uh, Lorne, what the fuck are we doing here?

I know the ingredients, just...

-just not the amounts. -Lorne, what does that mean?

-Just have to make it to 11:30. -I'm gonna fuck you up!

Hey!

Ah, fuck! You fascist.

You want to lose your job?

You want to lose your teeth?

I'm the producer of "NBC's Saturday Night,"

and you just hit a man with a Tony.

-Fuck you. -I've hit plenty of Tonys.

All right, hey, that's enough.

Tell your friends no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.

-Walk away. -All right.

-Shove it up your ass. -Fuck you.

All right, keep coming with the bricks.

You took that punch like a champ.

I'm actually not sure you're supposed to be

pinching the bottom of the nostrils.

If you pinch a little higher...

-Hey, guys, I'm so sorry. -Any higher, it's bone.

Am I missing something? Why are we using real brick?

Can't we just roll out linoleum?

-Hey, fuck you! -Okay, whoa. Just relax.

Dick, our vision for home base is a street corner

with all the grit and texture of New York City.

Yeah, okay, but are... I mean, are we gonna use

-real blood and vomit, too? -I'll give you some

-real fucking blood. -Hey, hey. Whoa. No more fighting.

-No more fighting. He doesn't know. -Whoa. Relax.

He doesn't know. It's okay.

LEO Oh, my God.

Wh-Why are we stopping?

-Hello, everybody. -Andy.

-Why is Andy on another floor? -What are you...

You can't keep wandering off like that.

Mr. Michaels, I had to go to the bathroom.

-That's very good. That's very good. -Lorne.

Barbara, what time do you have?

Uh, 10:39.

-Lorne. -Hmm?

The brick.

It's...

It's got its pockets out.

It's workmanlike. It's honest.

Dick, it's critical for the success of the show.

Okay, but what is the show?

I mean, honestly, Dick, if you don't know by now...

Chevy Chase.

Gilda Radner.

Dan Ike-a...

How the fuck do you pronounce it?

Aykroyd.

-Dan Aykroyd. -50 minutes, everybody!

-Laraine Newman. -So, you nervous?

Uh, no, not really.

I mean, I've only got a couple bits.

The... the jury thing and a TV host.

Uh-huh.

Say, uh, you ever wonder

exactly what it is you are doing here?

Yeah, and I think I've got a pretty good idea.

And what is that?

Well, Garrett, I'll tell you, I like to give

a hundred percent in everything I do.

And I like a dish soap that does that, too.

So alive, so young, so alluring, so exotic,

so hypnotic, so manipulative,

so sadistically abusive,

so cartoonishly abhorrent.

You see, when it comes to my skin and my sensitive parts,

I only trust 100% American-made steel wool.

Strong enough for a man

but whimsical and helpless enough for a woman.

Don't wait. Act now.

Act like your very life depends on it.

Act like your children's lives depend on it.

Act like the children in Africa's lives depend on it.

-And what the fuck was all of that? -

That was my 20s, Garrett,

and that is exactly what I'm doing here.

Well, shit.

I'm just here to play, uh, the butler,

the shoeshine guy and the pimp.

Think you seem a little nice for a pimp.

And you're a little pretty for a comedienne.

Well, cheers to staying out of the spotlight.

Mm.

Ladies and gentlemen, your host,

George Carlin!

Can't just let me come out from behind the goddamn curtain.

I have to descend like Norma fucking Desmond.

All right. Fuck you, everyone!

Fuck you. Fuck you.

I've definitely fucked you.

-Fuck you. -Yeah!

Fuck you, and fuck all of you.

-You have to distract her. -How?

With your sparkling wit.

Uh, excuse me, miss.

Uh, could you confirm that this is a normal deck of cards?

No marks, no folds, no blemishes?

-George! -Yeah. All right.

Welcome to the show.

I have some music, some laughs.

I plug the record. Blah, blah, blah.

...regular old deck of 52 cards.

I am going to...

George, keep going, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever look at

the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet?

Slow, slow, slow!

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

And throw to Janis.

What?

Yeah, throw it to Janis. Introduce her, please.

Keep going.

Ladies and gentlemen, J-Janis Ian.

♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪

♪ That love was meant for beauty queens ♪

♪ And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles ♪

♪ Who married young and then retired... ♪

-Mr. Carlin. -Yeah.

I'm Joan Carbunkle, NBC Standards.

Oh, I didn't know they had any.

Joan, he's very busy.

Just please share your concerns with me, all right?

No, no, no, no, I-I'd like to hear her concerns personally,

if you don't mind.

I know you have a propensity for the obscene

and a lurid interest in colorful language.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Carlin, you'll be happy to know that there is

one delay button, and my finger is on it.

♪ With ravaged faces, lacking in the social graces ♪

I'm surprised you even found the button,

let alone touched it.

♪ Desperately remained at home ♪

Is this your eight of diamonds?

♪ Inventing lovers on the phone who called to say ♪

♪ "Come dance with me" ♪

♪ And murmured vague... ♪

Are you gonna help?

I really wish we could, but, uh, we don't do bricks.

What guild is it that does the bricks?

-Is that 422? -No, that's carpenters.

How about 303?

Nah, that's the pipe fitters.

I don't know why you're laying brick.

You're gonna be gone in two weeks.

♪ A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs... ♪

So, it's gonna be like one of those 1950s safari flicks.

You know the ones with Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hay...

What the... Th-That's a prop.

So I want you to take this bowl of potato chips here.

-Me? -Yes, you.

-I want you to reach into them. -Okay.

Every time I take a step, give them a little crunch.

All right? It's like we're in the safari.

Ready?

Give it a try.

Early.

I just got this job.

Now we're getting it.

You piece of shit.

That was nice.

Not bad.

Oh.

Caw, caw.

Don't shoot me.

Caw.

Caw, caw.

I know that noise.

That's a monkey being run over by the C Train.

My archnemesis.

Here he comes.

There's no way they're gonna fit all that show.

You think?

Yeah, something's got to go.

Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes?

You're doing great, Billy.

-That was weird. -Yep, we're fucked.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, "Ossifer." Have I done something wrong?

What do we have here?

Why, that would be my ass.

Mm-hmm.

Billy Preston's band hooked it up.

Medical-grade, baby.

Floats in the bottle, and then...

Checks out.

Medical-grade.

Uh...

So, tell me how you fit into this, uh, ensemble.

Oh, is this an ensemble?

Uh, no, we have many, uh,

talented, talented improvisers

from Chicago and Toronto and, uh...

-And Boston. -And Boston.

Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston.

You met my fiancée.

Missed a little there.

Uh, but to answer your question...

While I've got you captive...

-They want to shave me. -Oh, careful.

There's no jaw under that beard.

-Just ten pounds of neck. -Chevy.

Uh, I'm pretty sure you'll be seeing...

Jesus Christ, you psycho.

-You son of a bitch. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Throw that one more time, I'll shove it

-up your fucking ass! -Hey, hey. Hey, hey!

Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, stop right now.

Guys, come on.

-Cut it out right now. -Goddamn it, stop!

Stop! Chevy, out.

Don't feed coke to the animals.

Out! Chev.

Take a seat.

You okay, John?

-So we're throwing things now? -He started it.

It's just a shave, John.

So NBC owns my fucking face?

-No. -Yeah, a little bit.

Would Jimi Hendrix play in mittens?

That's a good point.

John, you're going to go down as one of the giants

of character expressionism, from Chaplin, Brando...

Belushi.

Why hide your gift?

Beards are for pussies.

The bees are bullshit.

You think I don't know that? Of course they are.

They're stupid. They're postmodern.

They're Warhol. They're iconic. They're-they're Sgt. Pepper.

-So well said. -I'm glad you get it.

John, we go live in less than an hour.

45 minutes!

I need you to sign your contract.

Oh, yeah.

What? What's happening?

What happened to the music?

Hey, what... wh-why'd you stop playing?

The speakers went out.

-All of them? -All of them.

What the hell is happening? What... Dick.

I'm on with the outfit that supplied speakers at...

-Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza. -Toscanini!

Height of audio fidelity. What can we be doing?

Uh, yeah, what can we be doing?

We got no sound, idiot on the light board,

and we go live in 45.

What do you want to rehearse?

Uh...

-We could pull up... -Do you want to do...

-"Weekend Update"? -"Weekend Update"? Yeah.

All right, everyone, we're moving to "Weekend Update"!

-Okay, great, great, great. -Don, stand by for your intro!

Here we go. Move it, people.

Let's go, let's go!

I'm good. Fine.

All right, let's go.

Last looks, everyone.

From "Saturday Night" News Headquarters,

this is "Weekend Update" with Lorne Michaels.

Our top story tonight.

Some world news: Japanese Emperor Hirohito

met Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week.

The emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.

Oy.

How was that?

It was horrible.

Right. Um...

And now with a weather report,

we turn it over to meteorologist John Belushi.

What's it looking like out there, John?

Thank you, Lorne.

Uh, it's often said March comes in like a lion

and goes out like a lamb.

But did you know March behaves differently in other countries?

In Norway, for example, March comes in like a polar bear

and goes out like a walrus.

Or consider the Republic of South Africa,

where March comes in like a lion

and goes out like a different lion.

Like, one has a mane,

and the other doesn't have a mane.

And there's a country where March hops in like a kangaroo

and stays a kangaroo for a while.

-Australia. -Then... then,

for a couple days, it's sort of a cross between

a frilled lizard and a common house cat.

Then it changes back into a smaller kangaroo,

and then it goes out like a... like a wild dingo.

Now, now, and it's not Australia!

You'd think it'd be Australia, but it's not!

Oh.

And there are nine different countries where March

comes in like a frog and goes out like a golden retriever!

But that's not the weird part!

No, no, no, no, the weird part is the frog!

The frog! The weird part is...

Okay.

You all right?

Are you okay?

-I give in. -That was brilliant.

Now I need you to sign your contract.

-Was that a yes? -That was a yes.

-Was that a yes? Okay. -That was a yes.

-Uh, Neil, can I get the contract? -Yeah.

-Okay. -Do you have a pen?

Uh, uh...

Lorne, Lorne, Lorne, there's a call from Burbank

waiting in your office.

Burbank. Carson.

Uh, okay. Um, someone get him a pen.

Don't let him use it as a straw.

Uh, rehearse something. Anything.

All right, uh, "Bee Hospital," stage left.

-Let's go. We're moving. Here we go. -

-Great work, guys. -Excuse me.

Hey, Mr. Michaels.

-Oh, Mr. Henson. -Hey.

I'm excited to see what you and your merry band of creatures

have in store for us tonight.

Well, Lorne, uh, we don't have any script pages yet,

so, uh, the Muppets are flying blind here.

Well, this is the first I'm hearing of it.

-Neil, Jim needs his pages. -Thank you, thank you.

And please, uh, sorry, Lorne.

Can you please remind your crew

not to leave the Muppets in compromising positions?

That doesn't sound like them.

Well, they left a note.

They didn't.

They did.

It said...

"Fuck-rags for rent."

-Mm-hmm. -Okay?

I know what that means, so...

I'll... I'll talk to Michael.

-Immediately. -Thank you.

All right. Thank you.

Oh, hey, Bernie.

Oh, no, you're good.

Hello. This is Lorne.

I, uh... I was beginning

to think you didn't like me.

Of course not, Mr. Carson.

You're the voice of a generation.

I, uh... I just wanted to reach out

and say good luck tonight.

Oh, that's very kind.

And also, I suppose I wanted to make sure

we don't end up stepping on each other's dicks.

-Right. -You know how this all started,

-don't you? -Just sign it, John.

Just sign it, John.

With a kite and a key, I'm sure.

Don't be a dipshit for a second, kid.

I'm sure you've heard by now

that Mommy and Daddy are fighting

and that's why you've got the house to yourself tonight.

Frankly, it's the only reason

they'd ever green-light your little talent show.

Look, these things always go the same way.

First they try to fuck you,

-and then they buy you dinner. -Oh.

I'm not opposed to "Saturday Night."

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Even if it is a dumping ground

for the deadbeats and bagheads.

-Dick, no. -In the meantime,

you get to play dress-up on national television.

-Don't let him hold the camera. -Good for you.

So, here's some friendly advice.

Enjoy your little show, but don't get too comfortable.

You're a benchwarmer, a stalking horse.

It's my fucking network. It's my fucking night.

No hard feelings, though.

Fuck the bees, and fuck this show!

John, hey. Where you going?

-I go where I'm kicked! -John.

Heard you are a halfway decent writer.

Uh, send me some samples sometime.

We're always looking for a punch-up.

How'd the call go?

Tremendous. Thank you for asking.

-Oh, great. -Belushi walked.

What? He quit?

No. Well, technically, he would need a fucking job to quit,

but yes, he walked. We need to find him.

I'll take the eighth floor. You take the ninth. Okay?

Uh... oh, okay.

Uh, hey, have you seen John Belushi?

We cannot broadcast directly from 8H.

Um, sorry, Jim. Have you seen John Belushi?

You want to hand the airwaves over to that maniac?

Have you seen Belushi?

I'm not an animal wrangler.

Belushi? Belushi?

-Belushi? -Belushi?

Belushi?

-Belushi? -Belushi?

Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi?

John?

Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.

Have you seen John Belushi anywhere?

Oh, yeah, sure.

He was, uh, hanging out with us yesterday, right, Howard?

No, sorry, I meant in the last few minutes.

Oh. No.

You seemed stressed.

-You okay, buddy? -Yeah.

You need a... you need a hit?

Uh, oh, no, no, no. That's-that's fine.

-That's okay. -Oh, I...

think it'd help.

That makes sense.

There we go.

Oh, look at him.

Attaboy.

Good luck on your quest, amigo.

Have you seen John Belushi?

Have you guys seen John?

Uh, Neil, who do you think I am?

Human bumblebee.

No, man, I am talking about:

What is my identity on the show?

Don't ask me that right now.

I can't answer that right now.

Oh.

-Oh. - What the hell are you doing?

Oh.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Has anybody seen John?

-I'm John. -I'm John.

-No, no, no, no. -OTHERS I'm John.

Hold this, please.

TOM and FRANKEN Belushi?

Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi?

Hey, kid, why are you holding your face like that?

-Why you shouting? -Oh, sweetie, are you okay?

I don't know. I-I-I can hear my own blood.

-Am I gonna be okay? -Don't ask her.

She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid.

-I know that! -Whoa.

-Look, should I be worried? -About Neil?

No, fuck Neil. About my act.

I can't get a straight answer out of Lorne.

Billy, you're family.

-Uh, Neil... -Neil.

This week on "The Rumpus Hour,"

Tony Orlando and Dawn, Shields and Yarnell,

the Domingo Brothers,

and your favorite juggling barbershop quartet,

Macho Quatro.

Lorne.

-You know Milton Berle? -Oh. Absolutely.

Big fan. I grew up on your work.

Who didn't? Hear it's your big night.

Planning on it. How's it all coming?

Just perfect.

-You never hear that. -You certainly don't.

Yep. Being here must bring back

all kinds of memories, I'm sure.

Sure, sure, yeah.

Used to call this the RCA Radio Tower.

Radio, that wonderful invention

by which I could reach a million people

who, fortunately, couldn't reach me.

You know, Milt's TV show once pulled a 97 share.

97% of the American audience was watching Uncle Miltie.

Do you ever miss being Mr. Television?

What is he talking about?

Lorne, Milton remains

one of the Peacock's most colorful feathers.

-It's quite a feather. -Of course. Of course.

And I'm looking forward to hosting your show.

Well, well, we'd be honored. Uh, I think there's still

so many decisions we'd have to make.

I'm hearing episode five.

The boys upstairs love it,

and the affiliates ate it up.

Well, they're the real boss.

Right. Well, it is a late show.

Are you suited for midnight?

At 67, I still feel like a 20-year-old.

Unfortunately, there's never one around.

Your reputation precedes you.

Yeah, by about 11 inches. Excuse me a second.

Any sign of Belushi?

Uh, John?

I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?

Legal is frantic for his paperwork.

That's strange. I'll look into it.

Lorne, I can only imagine

what must be running through your mind:

the thought, no matter how improbable,

that you might not make it to air.

-Hadn't even occurred to me. -Really?

I heard that you were having some technical difficulties.

None that I know of.

What the fuck?

I just heard that your writers were stoned,

your actors were physically assaulting each other...

--...the sound system was down...

What the hell is happening? What...

...and a fire broke out earlier.

I've been doing this job a long time.

I've seen it all.

I'm sure you have it all under control.

Minor issues, already addressed.

That's reassuring.

Oh, this whole conversation is a soothing shower of relief.

Good, good. Look. If, for some reason,

you can't lock your script

or commit your cast to legally binding contracts,

rest assured,

the country will be happy to watch "Johnny Carson."

Well, we could always play the tape of dress rehearsal,

worst-case scenario.

That's not the worst case.

Fuck me, that's a lot of cards.

Yeah, what's the fastest you can do your set, top to bottom?

-Five minutes. -Yeah. Me, too.

-Could you do it in four? -Probably.

Yeah. Me, too.

So, look, they're gonna offer us three,

but we got to draw the line at four, all right?

Okay.

I want to do the show.

Oh, yeah, we're doing the show.

We just can't get jerked around.

-That's all. -But we're doing the show?

Of course we're doing the show.

We just got to be in this together.

Okay.

-Neil, sweetie, is everything okay in there? -Hello!

Oh, my God. Special delivery for Neil Levy.

-Flowers! Candygram. -What's with the kvetching?

-Neil, uh... -Neil, it's your mother!

Open the door!

-♪ A boy becomes a man. ♪ -Come on out.

Come on out, Neil. It's okay.

-Hey, Neil, buddy? -It's safe out here.

-You freaking out in there? -Oh, God.

I took a hit in the departure lounge.

All right. Whose grass was it?

-One of the horn players. -Oh, degenerates.

Well, that's a potent dragon you're riding there, kid.

What you smoked was a sacred strain

from the Isaan plateau of Thailand, I believe.

-The best plateau. -Make no mistake about it,

that stick's probably stronger than a bull elephant,

but, uh, listen, we're all a little freaked out, so...

-I'm freaked out. -...why don't you come out

and, uh, we can... we can check on your face,

make sure it's not inside out, okay?

-Come on, Neil. -Show us your face, Neil!

-Show us the face! -Come on, bud.

-Show us the face. -Aw. -Oh...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just kidding. Look, you're gonna be fine.

We'll fix you up with some amphetamines.

You'll be fit as a flea.

Might even like the stuff. Cocaine.

Robert Louis Stevenson actually did some of his best writing

-on the nose candy. -Oh, Bobby.

Not a lot of people know that.

Yeah. He was a big freak for the Peruvian Lady.

Hey! We need everyone in togas!

Everyone down to the eighth floor now!

I'm not in a toga!

Wait, what? Oh, oh, okay.

Okay, but why are we yelling?

Cast, got new pages. Take a look.

Rocky, there's no way

these kids are gonna hit their marks,

so you better be wide enough to catch them all.

-We got that? -Hey.

Did Rosie tell you what she wants for her credit?

Oh. Uh, she was of two minds.

What is this? Why are you cuing up "Carson"? Who is that?

I think that's Tony Curtis.

That's pretty normal

right before a live show, right, Dave?

Yeah, if anything goes wrong, we bump the tape.

-See? -R-Right.

Lorne, Lorne, we found a lighting director.

Great. Go get him.

Well, no, he's lighting a show right now.

-This will take some massaging. -We don't have...

What floor?

It's down on the sixth floor, some variety show.

And he knows I'm coming?

Uh...

-Uh, say, Lorne, this a bad time? -Huh?

-Perfect time, Garrett. -Okay, I've been thinking.

Why did you hire me?

-You were cheap. -Really?

I'm being ironical, Garrett.

The fuck?

Hey, Garrett. What's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I'm just, um...

just trying to figure out exactly what it is

I am doing here.

Aw. What do you mean?

Oh, you know, I just...

I just can't help but feeling a little bit like an outsider.

-Because you're so much older? -What?

I went to Juilliard.

I've been on Broadway. I'm a published playwright.

Man, they got me buzzing around here in a goddamn bee suit

and waving a gun around like I'm some kind of hoodlum.

These are not my strengths, man.

I am being underutilized.

Which makes me ponder-- what am I doing here?

You know how many operas I've done?

-I have no idea, Garrett. -Shit.

While Danny and Laraine were eating Froot Loops,

I was performing "La traviata" in Italian.

You dig?

Of course. I-I dig, Garrett.

But, uh...

no one is saying you can't sing on the show.

Right?

Where's the "Rumpus" room?

♪ Down on the right. ♪

Whoa, whoa. Pardon me.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -And three, two...

And we... seven, eight.

And walking.

Five, six.

Uh-oh.

Smile.

Hey! Fucker.

Get your head out of your ass.

Prep the cupcake lights and bring up the glitter, Carl.

Carl?

I have a job offer.

Comes with no guarantees, no perks and no weekends.

How's the pay?

That's the worst part.

What the fuck?

-When do I start? -Right now.

Yeah, send me a postcard

from the gutter, you little shit.

Rosie, you seen Jackie?

No. Sorry.

Knock, knock.

-Hi. -Hi, stud. Can I see?

Can you get Chevy to do this one?

Ooh. No way.

You look so sexy.

Th-These can't be the right size.

Yeah, you're right. They should be a little bit smaller.

Ah. Just feels like it's a lot of leg.

Are you kidding, hot stuff?

You're gonna melt every TV in America.

-Oh, yeah? -Oh, yeah.

You know, ma'am, you're dealing with a fully qualified

-male strumpet here. -Oh, "ma'am"?

I've actually got a work order

stating I should be rogering you roundly right now.

-Stop it. -Hey, have you guys seen John?

Um, uh, no, I haven't seen him.

Danny?

-Yeah? -Have you seen John?

John. Uh, well, John's an anarchist

and an Illinois alpha male.

Wh-What does that mean?

Oh, uh, well, see, boss,

you and I, if we were to enter this space,

we'd be like 15th-century peasants

walking into the Vatican, but Belushi's a whole other animal.

He's a skeptic and a sinner.

I'd give O'Houlihan's a recce.

-He's at the bar next door. -Ah.

Um, Barbara's still asking about your credit on the show.

-Whatever you think. -It's your name, Rose.

Has he only gotten that far?

We'd like to help, but, uh, we're rooting for the guy.

Well, at least your heart's in it.

Hey, you seen Jacqueline, my fiancée?

No, I haven't seen shit!

-Ladies, have you seen Jackie? -No.

All right, change of plan. We're skipping ancient Greece,

and we're moving into the break room.

Ladies, I need you in your hard hats.

Okay? Right now. Come on.

I don't want to change.

Are we good? 'Cause, uh...

-Is he all right? -Yeah. Yeah.

Danny, I mean, whatever's going on between you and me

is the last thing on his mind right now.

So the man doesn't wrestle with the green-eyed monster?

Hardly. I mean, look, I've known Lorne

since I had toilet paper tits.

One day, he just followed me home from school,

-and I never shook him. -Hmm.

-Pretty sure you can be arrested for that. -Yes.

-Look out, Rosie! -Oh, sorry, Moose.

Anyways, I don't know.

Lorne lost his dad when he was 14,

and his mom sold everything,

and so he spent a whole year without furniture.

So when I first met him, I thought,

he's just a stray looking for a spare piece of carpet.

Like, he wants to be a part of my family,

and I'm the kid sister or something.

But then hormones.

Turns out I'm not the kid sister.

And so we start dating, and I think,

"Okay, he wants to build a family with me."

And we get married, we buy a house.

I mean, no ring-- I think those are pretty stupid--

but linens and china.

And then it turns out I'm not the kid sister or the wife.

So who are you?

I'm the writer.

-All right, rehearsal's moments away. -Ah.

-Here we go. -And, uh, who's he?

-We take you now to ancient Greece. -Okay, girls!

-Whoa, whoa, no, not yet, Don. -Gilda, can I get you

-behind the lockers? -It's the wrong sketch, buddy.

-Okay. -Yeah.

And try sitting like men.

-Oh, yeah. -Perfect. Okay.

Hair and makeup, clear.

Clearing.

Please get the fuck out. Thank you.

Okay, and action.

Now that you've mastered all the, uh, technical know-how,

I think it's time we work on your sidewalk skills.

All right.

Daniel over here has kindly offered

to aid us in a live demonstration.

Come on out, Danny.

Danny, enter.

No, you got to take off the robe.

I can lose it on the day. I figured I'd rehearse with...

No, you can lose the robe right now.

-The shorts are too short. -Oh!

Now, when a little piece of heaven like Danny walks by...

-Little strut? -...here's how you make him

-feel right at home. -Right.

Voom, va-va, voom, va-va.

Show him how you do it, Gilda!

Okay, come on, Jane. Give it to him.

-All right. -Rocky, can you get a close-up?

Hey, dreamboat. What's the matter?

Why don't you give me a little twirl?

Show me what you're working with, huh?

Okay, give it to him, Laraine.

Hey, stud muffins. Want to make bouncy-bouncy?

Are we still doing the scene or...

What are you talking to her for?

You're talking to me, joy chunks.

Stay in character, please.

-Hey. -Come on, baby! -All right.

You dropped something.

Oh...

Well, I guess I should just pick this up.

Oh, you better get it!

Yeah, give it to him!

-Give it to him! -Oh!

All right, all right. All right.

They are so cute when they're mad!

All right. Thank you.

Okay, cut.

The shorts are... the shorts are too short. I told you.

Here you go.

It was a great scene.

Yeah, strumpet.

All right, everyone, moving on.

Great rehearsal. Here we go.

We take you now to ancient Greece

as Alexander the Great

attends his ten-year high school reunion.

Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?

Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?

Oh, look at that.

-My goodness. -Hey, hon, they need us in Athens.

Jesus. Who's this guy?

Chevy, Milton taped a show here back in 1956.

-Isn't that neat? -Oh. She's taken.

What hours? I'll take the rest of the evening.

-Excuse me? -He's kidding.

-Yeah, buddy. I'm kidding. -Oh, that's cute.

I remember when you used to do comedy.

Ah, funny, 'cause I never heard of you.

That's probably the Alzheimer's.

What's the matter, did you wander off

onto an actual TV set?

Hey, darling, you're sitting in front of

the Ghost of Television Past.

This old man, he...

he used to be an institution. Now he needs one.

If you want my comeback, you're gonna have to scrape it

off the back of your mom's teeth.

Jesus.

You're gonna laugh at that?

Listen, sweetheart.

There's plenty more where that came from.

God.

Oh.

Do I have your attention?

I have two stars on the Walk of Fame.

-Oh. Mm. -Oh, yeah, who gives a shit?

I once held 97% of America's television viewing audience.

Eh.

That's not what they're gonna remember.

They're gonna remember Mr. Television,

their Uncle Miltie.

Who the fuck are you, kid?

You're not a star.

You're barely in the fucking building.

You're not even a swinging dick.

Call me after he's done crying.

Are you shitting me?!

Are you shitting me with this costume?

Can you make a path? There's an actual comedian coming through.

Oh, wow. Look at these columns.

I feel transported. Oh...

-Hey, George. How can I help? -Yeah?

So... so, what-what is... what is this?

Why am I dressed like a fucking towel boy from Caesars?

Well, I believe you're Alexander the Great at his,

-um, ten-year high school... -Ten-year high school reunion.

-Thank you, Don. -Exactly.

So when Chevy asks what you've been up to,

your response is, "Ah, you know,

mostly, you know, conquering the known universe."

Right. And-and this is for television?

-Mm-hmm. What's your concern, George? -Right.

My real concern is why I let my agent

convince me to do your show.

Do you need some help with the script?

I'd just love to know where the humor is.

It's like a Spruce Goose.

It's a lot of wood and no liftoff.

-Is that right? -Well, we can rewrite. I mean, we have...

Jesus Christ, we could... we could find...

No, no, no. George, I hear you.

We want to make it work.

I think I understand the reason you might be struggling.

You see, these are scenes...

-Well, sketches. -...that revolve around acting.

-Michael. -And that must feel foreign

when you're a ponytailed vulture

feeding off the corpse of Lenny Bruce.

It's okay. He's right. You're right.

Because I wouldn't want to make these skits

any worse than they actually are.

It's a great thing no one will be watching.

Enjoy your fucking little circle jerk!

We already are.

Oh, your mom's here?

Hmm. Well, he's in character.

It's shit.

Goddamn it, it's just...

Lorne. Lorne.

Lorne.

Oh, Lorne. Great news.

Uh, we figured it out.

Ready?

Ta-da.

We cut the toga sketch.

Oh.

Even without "Alexander," we're still 30 over.

Maybe we don't need four musical performances,

or maybe we could trim one of the Carlin monologues.

Okay.

What about now? Are we under now?

-What... -We can make it work.

Hey, hey. Lorne, Lorne.

Uh, look, I-I know it's probably a-a bad time and all,

-but, um, uh, Valri and I have been talking... -Yeah.

...and we can't accept anything less than four minutes apiece.

So that's four minutes for me, four minutes for Valri.

Look, we ju... we've just been working too hard

on our material to accept anything less,

so it's four minutes or nothing.

Well, I need two minutes.

You need me to cut two minutes off my sketch?

I-I could do that, Lorne.

I mean, that's six minutes only, you know...

No, I need two minutes of material.

It's two minutes or nothing.

Is this for real? 'Cause...

Okay, I-I killed at dress.

Right? I'm the only act that killed at dress.

I can do the show.

Billy, can you make it work in two minutes?

I can't even set it up in two.

Then I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Can you make it in two?

-Yes. -Great.

Lorne. Lorne.

Uh...

I was thinking, why don't we punt?

Come back stronger next week, debut with Paul Simon.

That's what you've been thinking?

Listen, no one wants this show

-to succeed more than I do. -Is that so?

I mean, yeah. I hired you, Lorne.

I take it up the ass from this network every day

because I believe in this show.

And I'm telling you, we should run the dress rehearsal

and claw back a win next Saturday.

It's in everyone's best interest, mainly yours.

-Sorry, was that a threat? -No. What? No.

Uh, Lorne, all I'm trying to do is give you advice.

25 minutes!

Thanks for the advice, but we can't, Dick.

-It's a live show. -No one's gonna know the difference.

-We just can't. -Lorne, you need to start

adjusting your concept of what you can and cannot do.

We can't because there is no tape.

I didn't record the dress rehearsal.

So we don't have to argue about it.

You didn't what?

We just have to make it to air.

Lorne, I'm not gonna be able to protect you.

-I'm used to that. -Oh, screw you.

Do you know how much bullshit

never makes it to your ears because I'm the wall they hit?

Tell that to your Polaroid rep. She's cute.

I'm sorry you need a sponsor

for a show that can't pull a single advertiser.

-You know... -You know they're giving out the ads for free!

NBC is lucky to have something as relevant as this show.

-Lorne, they don't even want it. -That's logical, Dick.

That's why they're paying us all to be here.

They want you to fail.

-They're betting on it. -Really?

NBC makes more money playing reruns of "The Tonight Show."

-I... -So why don't they?

It's a contract dispute, Lorne.

I mean, th-they're trying to prove to Johnny Carson

that the reruns are inevitable,

so they built a show that was guaranteed to fail.

I mean, Lorne, 90 minutes of live television

by a group of 20-year-olds who have never made anything.

Do you ever stop and wonder why they said yes?

A counterculture show starring total unknowns

with zero narrative and even less structure.

Are you that fucking arrogant

that you never even question this?!

Now, look, you want to know what's gonna happen

at 11:30 tonight, okay?

Your actors will be on their marks,

band's tuned up, all ready to go,

Joe will be hollering out the countdown,

and you'll be in the control room,

and Dave Tebet will be standing probably right next to you,

and when those screens go black,

he will raise his big-ass, jeweled-up index finger

and say, "Go to 'Carson,'" and that will be that.

You blew it.

And listen, I know you all make fun of me and my clothes

behind my back,

but, Lorne, I'm killing myself for this show.

Also, Polaroid is cool.

-Oh, shit. Lorne. -It worked.

Nice work, fellas.

A little heavy on the flow, but very funny.

Uh, sorry about the clothes.

And your face.

Art is but a measure of sacrifice and tears.

Not quite ready for tonight,

but I'll keep it on a special list.

Special list?

Uh, lobby.

This an okay time?

Ideal.

Look...

I know what people say

when they see a man with his arm up a Muppet.

But this isn't just kids' stuff.

I believe deep in my heart that there is room

for high-stakes puppetry on grown-up TV.

And I get the sense that some of the writers

on the 17th floor don't share that dream.

Y-You didn't like the pages?

There were no pages.

That's fair criticism.

Free show.

Free show, sir?

Free show.

Plenty of tickets left, guys. Free show.

The night's still young.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Thank you. Uh, Long Island.

Massapequa Park.

Hello?

They had trouble

fitting in when they got to America,

even though my great-grandfather

actually fought in the Civil War.

He fought for the West.

-Jesus Christ. -Vodka, double.

This drunk, he's in front of the bench.

The judge says, "Hey, we brought you in for drinking."

And the drunk goes, "Great. What are we having?"

That's not the punch line.

Jesus, fucking bullshit.

What's happening here?

I get paid seven bucks a joke, if it gets a laugh, which...

This putz is taking bulletproof material

-and filling it with lead. -You wrote his jokes?

Yeah, I wrote things that vaguely resemble

the things that he's saying.

Why don't you just perform 'em yourself?

Look at me.

This is how much I sweat offstage.

I get home from work the other night,

I see my wife in bed with my best friend.

I say to him, I go, "I have to, but you?"

Oh, my God.

How many do you have in here?

About 1,100.

They're-they're single-spaced, so...

Sorry, do you mind if I go through 'em?

Bring up the next comedian.

Yeah. Go for it.

I'm sure you'll hate him, too.

Move.

God, that was fucking rough. Shit crowd.

Yeah, that was it.

Hey, come on. What's with the quarters?

Well, I changed the punch line from '46 to '49

for the line about the Buick-- much bigger laugh, by the way--

so that means I only owe you 3.50.

You want a job?

That would be great.

I want a length of rope and a sturdy beam.

-Wait. -How much do you need to live?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you...

I make three bucks an hour at my day job.

-Match it. -Th-This kid... Tell...

Tell him what you really do. Tell him.

He's a deli boy, okay?

He's a... he's a schmuck in a little paper hat

who slices the pastrami behind the counter.

And he can barely do that.

Tell him what you did to your finger.

-You're hired. Lorne Michaels. -No, he...

-Alan Zweibel. -Are you fucking kidding me?

You'd be better off buying the pastrami.

-Let's go. -Wait, what? When do we start?

Um, Jesus Christ.

You-you can't... You better not leave.

You... This is not... This is not gonna be good for you.

I was gonna take you to Reno.

Oh, look at that form.

Beautiful.

You ever have nostalgia for a moment

while you're still in it?

I-I-I mean, like, uh...

You're in the moment, but you're also looking back on it.

Like... right now I-I'm here, but I'm also

thinking about this moment 20 years from now.

Uh, we're walking by this ice rink.

Uh, maybe it's Christmas, and...

our kids are dragging us by our pinkies

and we got presents loaded on our shoulders, and...

all we can think about is this moment

right before we went on TV.

You know, the NBC liability act

forbids you from ice-skating.

-I found John. -Oh, excellent work, Gilda.

Good thing I didn't sign my contract.

What's the deal, John?

You on the show or not?

The one where I get to dress up like a giant, grotesque bee?

I don't know. Let me ask my childhood dreams.

I want to try a triple axel.

-Uh... -Now we're talking.

How about a single axel?

Nah, I...

I figure I can either pull off the triple or...

die trying.

Tho-Those are the options?

Okay, John, I... I-I...

I-I support it.

Oh, God.

-He's gonna break something. -Oh, God.

-Shit, John! -Oh, fuck. John?

-John? -Oh, fuck.

Are you okay?

You all right? I yield.

I accept your surrender.

Do you... do you want me to help you up?

No, I'm...

I'm just gonna lie here for a minute.

Okay, sure. Yeah.

We have all the time in the world.

Who is that asshole, anyway?

It's Prometheus.

He stole fire from the cauldron of the gods,

gave it to man so we could have science and the arts.

Oh.

All right, I'm gonna head back up.

We have a show to put on, and...

I'd like to be there when I get fired.

I'd hope to see you there, too, John.

-Hey. -Hey.

Heard you needed a quick change for the last act.

Thank you.

What should I say when I get up there?

-How should I know? -You're the writer.

-You're the talker. -I'm the talker?

Yeah, you talk the peel off a grape.

That was funny.

Rose, I won't be offended

if you don't want to use my last name.

It's not your last name, Lipowitz.

Whoa.

Check it out. Full house, right?

What did you tell them?

Well, I kind of had to lie a little bit,

but the vibes are really good.

-Can we start to let them in? -Uh, almost.

All right. Five minutes, guys, ten minutes tops.

Let's keep these vibes going.

-Whoa. -Here we go! Pardo!

Be prepared for your intro, please.

Here we go. Keep moving.

-Adequate? -Adequate.

Can you imagine being first up?

-Opening the show and all. -Millions of people

trying to decide...

How they want to spend their Saturday night.

-What's the first thing they see? -Hmm.

-No logo, no intro. -Nope.

Just a close-up of your pretty face.

-Nah. -Ah, who gives a fuck, right?

Yeah, it's just a bunch of animals

-watching their lava lamps. -You're gonna do great.

-Yeah. -Fuck off.

We're pulling for you.

Break a leg.

You the, uh, writer Lorne found in a bar?

Uh, that's a slightly romantic read of the story,

but, uh, yeah, I guess so.

All right.

Well, jump on in. Water's warm.

Okay.

Okay, quiet, please.

Work stops now.

We're holding for a sound check.

Who wants to do the sound check?

Garrett, don't you know a song?

Hmm?

Uh...

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ I'm... ♪

♪ Gonna... ♪

♪ Get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see ♪

♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill ♪

♪ All the whiteys I see ♪

♪ When I kill all the whiteys I see ♪

♪ Then whitey, he won't bother me ♪

♪ Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see ♪

♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill ♪

♪ All the whiteys I see ♪

♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill ♪

♪ All the whiteys I see ♪

♪ When I kill all the whiteys I see ♪

♪ Whitey, he won't bother me ♪

♪ Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I ♪

♪ Get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I ♪

♪ Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see. ♪

Bravo!

Garrett, that was fantastic.

-Oh, thank you. -What?

Thank you.

That was terrific. That was absolutely...

You have an incredible voice.

-You still not gonna give me no lines. -It was beautiful.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, gentlemen, how long have you been standing there?

-Long enough. -Lorne,

we need to let the audience in.

No, you don't.

Perhaps you kids aren't quite ready for prime time.

What-what are you talking about?

Look around, Lorne.

You haven't locked a script.

Your actors are missing.

Your crew is in open rebellion.

They'd be laughing at you in Burbank.

Burbank?

Excuse me, this is New York fucking City.

Who's she?

-She... It's... -It's... I...

It's complicated. W-We have a hell of a show.

We have two bands.

We have seven of the brightest comedy minds alive.

Do you even know where they are?

Uh, most of them. Yes.

May-Maybe we'll just try again

-next Saturday. -No. No, no, no.

Don't do that. Come on. No.

Everybody in this room has been killing themselves

-to make something special. -I know.

-Special? Innovative? -To make something innovative

-and actually good, for a change. -For a change?

Don't tell me that you've been doing this so long

that you can't even recognize the potential for greatness

when it's right in front of your face.

Do you even know what this show is? Tell me.

It's an all-nighter in the city.

It-it-it's catching Richard Pryor at a drop-in

or finding Paul Simon strumming in the back of a dive bar.

It's meeting a girl outside of a bodega

and getting lucky in a phone booth.

It's...

It's everything you think is going to happen

when you move to the city.

That's our show.

That's "Saturday Night."

Show me.

Show you what?

Show me "Saturday Night."

I... We go live in less than...

Ten minutes!

No, you don't!

Show me.

♪ Mr. Trouble never hangs around ♪

♪ When he hears this mighty sound ♪

♪ Here I come to save the day ♪

♪ That means that ♪

♪ Mighty Mouse is on the way ♪

♪ So though we are in danger, we never despair ♪

♪ 'Cause we know that where there's danger he is there ♪

♪ He is there on the land, on the sea ♪

♪ In the air ♪

♪ We're not worrying at all ♪

♪ We're just listening for his call ♪

♪ Here I come to save the day ♪

♪ That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way. ♪

Andy, you're a genius. Now save your voice.

Pull up "Weekend Update."

All right, we're moving to "Weekend Update."

-Okay. -Let's go.

-Hey. -You take it.

-What do you mean? -The show needs a face.

Are you sure?

You were born for this. Trust me.

Should I make up a name for the news anchor?

Oh, use "Chevy Chase." No one will believe it.

Here we are. Good.

Hey, remember this.

When you look into the lens,

you're making eye contact with America.

And now, "Weekend Update" with Chevy Chase.

Hey, doll.

What are you wearing?

Is that why I hear purring?

What do you got for me?

It's my favorite.

Okay, great.

Good e...

Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.

The Post Office announced today that it's going to issue

a stamp commemorating prostitution

in the United States.

It's a ten-cent stamp,

but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.

All right, everyone.

Eight minutes till showtime.

Open the doors.

Oh, thank God.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston.

Right this way, folks. You're in for a real treat.

Yeah! Yeah.

♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪

♪ You gotta have somethin'... ♪

Lorne, you remember Carl?

Carl? Ooh, Carl!

Have you ever used one of these before?

Not a once.

You'll pick it up in no time.

♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪

♪ If you wanna be with me ♪

Come on, guys. Grab a brick!

♪ I'm not tryin' to be your hero ♪

♪ 'Cause that zero is too cold for me, ha! ♪

♪ I'm not tryin' to be your highness... ♪

Heard you needed pages.

Aw, thanks, Mike.

♪ Is too low to see ♪

Come on, now.

Oh, no.

Dick, uh, question:

What-what is a "golden shower"?

-Oh, uh, it's a yoga ritual... -Mm-hmm.

...in which practitioners greet the new day

by allowing the golden rays of sun to...

-Shower. -Over their skin

-and warm their chakras. -Mm. It's a California thing.

Mm.

I've had at least 50 golden showers.

You heard him, Joan. Sign the damn script.

We're going to air.

♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪

♪ You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me ♪

♪ Don't you remember I told ya ♪

♪ That I'm a soldier in the war on poverty... ♪

Smith & Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

-Wallie, you son of a bitch. -Hey, you asked.

Wallie, my man. You got something for me?

Yes, you do.

George, I wanted to apologize for how you were treated...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you having a stroke?

You need more coke?

Uh, Danny!

Here, I got you.

Hurry up. Come on, faster.

Watch your fingers.

All right.

Oh, boy. Lockjaw.

It's, uh... it's too much cocaine.

It's seizing up the old mandibulars.

Let's get some finger love in there, huh?

-Yep. Just a little bit of this. -

You'll be fine.

-Okay, great. -There we go.

Hey!

Here we go!

♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪

♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪

♪ Hey, now ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Can you get in that wig in 30 seconds?

-You got it, boss. -Has Henson got his pages?

-He loves 'em. -And will that crane get there?

-It'll happen. -Did you trim the fat on that?

Already on cue cards.

Laraine, I don't think you can make the change in...

Whoa.

I stand corrected.

Is that our show?

-That's our show. -♪ Oh! ♪

Three minutes.

Yeah.

-Last one. Last one. Get it in. -Yes!

-Come on! Hey! -Finally!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Billy Preston.

-Ah. -Oh, wow.

-Wow. -Photo. Photo. -Okay.

-Holy... -I want a photo. Come on.

-Family photo. -No, no, no, no, no. We're at two minutes.

-There's no time. -No, come on.

It'll never be the same after this.

-Come on. -Oh, fuck.

I'm not leaving until I get my photo. Come on.

I guess everybody go ahead, then.

Uh, do we have a camera?

-I have a camera. -Just quickly.

Great! Yes! Come here!

All right.

60 seconds. Come on, everyone.

Let's go, please.

-After you, after you. -One minute. Let's go to work.

Hi.

What are we using him for again?

I, uh... I don't really remember.

Sorry.

Thanks.

-Mm, mm, mm. Hey. -Rocky, wake up!

Hey, hey, name.

Oh, uh, Rosie, we need your last name for the credits.

-Uh, Shuster. -Shuster.

30 seconds!

Hey, can we get a mic check, please?

Uh, uh, one, two,

uh, uh, three.

Somebody's got the yips.

-20 seconds. -Is Carlin in costume?

Yeah, they settled on a T-shirt and jacket.

Mr. Carlin, may we get a mic check?

One, two, fuck you.

Subtle.

Okay, Carson's still cued for dead roll?

Are we going live or going to tape?

Pre-roll on VTR 14.

Ten seconds.

-Ready, camera two. -Seven...

-Pre-roll at six. -Ready on the fade.

...six, five, four...

Are we going live or going to tape?

...three, two...

-Go live. -Go live.

-Okay. Go live. -Go live! Go live! -Live, live, live!

Fade up. And we are live.

Ready, camera one. Take camera one.

Cue Belushi.

Cue John.

-Where's John? -Where the hell is he?

Cue John.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Maybe closer.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Let us begin.

Repeat after me.

-I would like... -I would like...

-...to feed your fingertips... -...to feed your fingertips...

-...to the wolverines. -...to the wolverines.

Next. I am afraid...

I am afraid...

-...we are out... -...we are out...

-...of badgers. -...of badgers.

-Would you accept... -Would you accept...

-...a wolverine... -...a wolverine...

-...in its place? -...in its place?

Next. "Hey!" Ned exclaimed.

"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.

-"Let's boil..." -"Let's boil..."

-"...the wolverines." -"...the wolverines."

Next.

Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!

Aaah! All right, we gonna do it again.

Now we got it, now we got it. Go back, go back, go back.