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1
00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:52,845
All right, Chevy.
2
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,805
Chevy, you're very handsome.
3
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,557
- Stop it.
- How did you become so funny?
4
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,725
What was the first part?
5
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:02,228
Lorne said if I just stared
into the camera,
6
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,897
that'd take a lot of guts.
7
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,737
"There were bells on the hill,
but I never heard them ringing."
8
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,782
Action, Laraine.
9
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,332
Hi.
10
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,002
Did I spell your name right?
11
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,339
I'm Garrett Morris talking
to all you white Americans...
12
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:32,968
about the way Black people
have been treated in America.
13
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:36,763
Now, I know a lot of you
feel guilty, and you should.
14
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,852
You see, having a catheter...
15
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:43,937
a lot of people
think it's funny.
16
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,732
And they like to see me dance.
17
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:52,237
Now, I look up, and I see it
coming down now, real quick...
18
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,697
and I see discs.
19
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,073
Whirlin' discs!
20
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,034
- Really?
- All right.
21
00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,493
Radney?
22
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,537
I'm not gonna talk about... No.
23
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,997
Whirlin'. Whirlin' around,
whirlin' around.
24
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,333
I see all kinds of lights.
Then they just drop me.
25
00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:06,960
In order to get that much iron,
you probably have to overeat.
26
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,839
Send your check or money order
to White Guilt Relief Fund.
27
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,008
We're ready? Should we go?
28
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,680
{\an8}Free show!
29
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,267
Plenty of tickets left, guys!
Free show!
30
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:23,810
No?
31
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,271
Hey, free show, man.
32
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,441
Hey, sir, free comedy show?
Plenty of seats.
33
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,360
Perfect for date night!
34
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,365
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular...
35
00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,076
"featuring a parade of comedy...
36
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:40,619
"and musical acts
ripped from the charts."
37
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,163
Jesus Christ.
38
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:44,665
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"
39
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,669
Hey, man! You okay?
40
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,422
Maybe ask me again
in 90 minutes.
41
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,508
Why? What happens in 90 minutes?
42
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,093
We go live.
43
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:59,054
Wow. Far out, man. Congrats.
Miss?
44
00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,973
- Thank you.
- Hey, wait. If it's live,
45
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,683
then why the hell
are you down here?
46
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,643
- Free show. For fuck's sake.
- I'm...
47
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,186
- Mr. Michaels?
- ...waiting for...
48
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,773
It's 10 o'clock, Andy.
Here. Come on.
49
00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,817
Where do I park?
50
00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:14,319
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."
51
00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:15,862
Just pick him up at 1:00,
Mrs. Kaufman.
52
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:16,947
Do you like my suit?
53
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,156
- Very elegant, Andy.
- Take care of my Andy!
54
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:19,867
This is my favorite suit.
55
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,994
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"
56
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,079
Bye. Bye, Mommy.
57
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,873
- Bye, honey. I love you!
- Andy, come on.
58
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,630
Andy, please, come on.
59
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,382
This is beautiful.
60
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,550
Yeah.
61
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:37,800
You know, actually, down there
62
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,886
is where Diego Rivera
was hired...
63
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,263
to paint a fresco
for the American worker.
64
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,472
I cannot see this.
65
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,558
Well, no one can
because Diego was a commie...
66
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,225
and added Vladimir Lenin
in the middle of the night...
67
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,602
so the Rockefellers
had it plastered over.
68
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:48,686
Deliveries use the back.
69
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:49,979
- I'm producer of the show.
- Where's your badge?
70
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,272
- My...
- Where's his badge?
71
00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,356
Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.
72
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,441
I'm the producer
of Saturday Night.
73
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,609
- The whole night?
- Hey! Hey! He's good.
74
00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:56,319
- Yeah, I'm producing every show.
- He's good. He's good.
75
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,695
- I'm good, you see?
- Let him in. Let him in.
76
00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,779
Live on a Saturday night?
Must be some show.
77
00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,864
I'm good. Andy, please.
78
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,199
Hey, you're doing a great job.
Really. Great stuff.
79
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,575
What kind of name
is "Saturday Night"?
80
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,912
- Andy, come on. Please.
- Okay. We rushing.
81
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,371
Eighth floor, and book it.
82
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,123
Put on your seat belts.
83
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,377
So, big night.
84
00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:13,837
Andy, have you had dinner?
85
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,173
Yes, I had spaghetti.
86
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,341
That sounds delicious.
87
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,217
Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls
from upstairs.
88
00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:20,344
You ordered a llama?
89
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,512
A llama?
90
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,972
Yeah. We all decided it was
much funnier than a donkey.
91
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,389
Right. Just the guys
down at the loading dock
92
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,017
weren't expecting,
you know, livestock.
93
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,394
Well, NBC did ask for something
fresh and unexpected.
94
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:30,854
That is true. That's true.
95
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,146
Just, you know,
they also weren't
96
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,232
expecting you to demand...
97
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,651
an overhaul in the entire
lighting and sound package.
98
00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,571
Did anyone ask Edison
what a light bulb was
99
00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,198
before he harnessed electricity?
100
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,368
Who are you in the metaphor?
101
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,578
The light bulb?
102
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,539
We can't expect people
to recognize
103
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:49,831
something they've
never seen before.
104
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,375
Right. Okay. Yes.
You're correct.
105
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,793
But just,
how about a final script?
106
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:53,961
It's not that kind of show.
107
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,504
Okay. Well,
what kind of show is it, Lorne?
108
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:56,839
Do you even know
what the show is?
109
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,006
Of course.
110
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,050
Are you gonna share it
with the rest of us?
111
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:01,218
Yes.
112
00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:03,554
In 88 minutes.
113
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,721
Oh, my God.
114
00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,182
Have you tested
the quality of the sound system?
115
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,433
- No, I haven't.
- 'Cause the speakers...
116
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,394
look leftover
from Arturo Toscanini.
117
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,687
I mean,
that's not really my job.
118
00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,063
Lorne,
did you order more lights?
119
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,231
Of course.
120
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:15,982
Is this your card?
121
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,066
How'd he do that?
122
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,485
He's a fuckin' magician,
numb nuts.
123
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,195
- Hey, Neil?
- Hey.
124
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,530
You got to be right by my side,
man. Locked to my hip.
125
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,906
Remember, when you're here,
you're not my cousin...
126
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,199
you're my executive assistant.
You're important.
127
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,367
Really? Like in the credits
it will say that?
128
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:27,577
Well, no,
but you and I will know.
129
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,661
They're looking for you
in the control room.
130
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,872
Also, Belushi hasn't signed
his contract yet?
131
00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:32,582
- And the llama has arrived.
- Great. Thanks, Barbara.
132
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,834
Neil, memo. We need to reeducate
the NBC Pages on the show.
133
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,918
You should've heard
the guy outside.
134
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,003
What the hell is this?
135
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,297
Saturday Night, it's a new kind
of entertainment.
136
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:42,509
It's abstract and defiant.
Avant-garde yet blue collar...
137
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,392
Gilda, come on.
We need you for rehearsal.
138
00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:54,229
Be careful.
They're still drying.
139
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,981
This is monumental work, Edie.
140
00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,567
Mr. Gresner, would you please
tell our studio audience...
141
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,277
Jane, you're still attached.
142
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:03,280
...just how you became a victim
of a shark bite?
143
00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:05,741
You are so fluffy.
144
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,034
Hey, come on, Andy.
145
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,369
You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle?
146
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,663
He has ways
of making the animals talk?
147
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,040
I'll check
with the run-of-show board.
148
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,209
Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.
149
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,751
I don't know
what to tell you, fellas.
150
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:17,961
How do you lose
28 gallons of blood?
151
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,757
85 minutes till showtime.
152
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:24,801
Come on, guys. These transitions
need to be crisp.
153
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,178
Pretend like there's a hooker
holding a sandwich
154
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:28,430
waiting for you stage right.
155
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,223
We still need
to rehearse five sketches.
156
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,267
Are we any closer
on lighting cues?
157
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,144
Hey, Schiller.
What are you up to?
158
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,688
I'm burning sage.
Removing demons.
159
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,106
Garrett don't do voodoo.
160
00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,942
Peter packed
a peck of pickled peckers.
161
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,486
Andy, this is Billy Crystal
and Valri Bromfield.
162
00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:43,820
- They're both in the show.
- Andy!
163
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,031
They're both very nice.
Please stay with them, okay?
164
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,075
Listen, Andy is
a certifiable comedic genius.
165
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,243
- He is redefining the form.
- Nice to meet you, Andy.
166
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,411
I mean, we are
in the presence of greatness.
167
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,121
Where is the bathroom?
168
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,498
Neil, can you show Andy
to the washroom?
169
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,208
- Yeah. Yeah.
- There you are. Lorne. I can't
170
00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:58,751
- authorize the purchase...
- Dick. Dick.
171
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,169
...of an antique chandelier.
172
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,254
Jim has a question
about something.
173
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,547
- Here. Let's step over here.
- He's out of control.
174
00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:04,298
- Okay. I understand.
- This isn't a budget.
175
00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:05,383
It's a ransom note.
176
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:06,509
Someone asked for last
Friday's Johnny Carson?
177
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:07,677
Where the fuck you been,
Charlie?
178
00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:08,761
Sorry, I've been busy.
179
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,846
I'll be back
in a little bit, okay?
180
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,305
Hope I still have a job
when he's gone next week.
181
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,016
Okey-dokes. So, as it stands...
182
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,435
we have four host monologues,
two stand-ups...
183
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,521
two musical guests,
each with two performances...
184
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:18,981
a solo piece for Andy Kaufman...
185
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,275
five parody commercials,
Weekend Update...
186
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,484
a film by Albert Brooks...
187
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:25,070
Jim Henson's Muppet... thing.
188
00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,239
Not to mention seven sketches.
189
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:28,782
- Something for everybody.
- Yeah, it's a lot of show.
190
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,284
- It won't fit.
- We don't know that.
191
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,953
I know that. The dress rehearsal
was three hours.
192
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,121
Audrey thinks we're tight.
193
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,456
Audrey thinks it's time to make
some tough decisions, actually.
194
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,624
Lorne, just cut some things.
195
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,251
- No. We will, but...
- Am I still in the show?
196
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:43,839
Jesus Christ.
197
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,133
- Sorry. Tripped over my penis.
- Still on the show, Chev.
198
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,801
I know.
Hey, you remember Jackie.
199
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,178
- My girlfriend.
- Fiancée.
200
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,386
It looks expensive.
201
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,470
She is.
202
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,555
It is.
203
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,723
I never know
when you're kidding.
204
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,808
Hey, Chev, can I...
205
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,393
Can you show a little goodwill
to your co-star?
206
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,895
Who? Belushi?
207
00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,397
God! God!
What the fuck's the matter now?
208
00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:02,065
I think
it's just a new dynamic and...
209
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,441
there are a lot
of expectations for every...
210
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:04,526
I'll tell you what the issue is.
211
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,360
We're not doing
a radio hour anymore
212
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,779
and he's built like
an Albanian cheeseburger.
213
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,199
Chevy can't help if people
are responding to his face.
214
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,491
I mean, I could, but I won't.
215
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:12,992
Right. Well, no one's asking you
216
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,620
to deny your own magnetism,
Chevy.
217
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,413
Maybe there's other roles
for John to play.
218
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,415
Like a hobo. Or a troll.
219
00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,918
Or a fire hydrant.
Or a Volkswagen.
220
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,086
Or a hemorrhoid.
221
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,797
- You're looking sharp, Patches.
- What?
222
00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:28,592
- You have to cut something.
- Yeah. Yeah.
223
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,388
- Neil?
- Yeah!
224
00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:35,640
Get me a key to this door.
In fact...
225
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:37,476
I want keys to all the doors.
226
00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:38,977
In the building?
227
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,854
- If you can.
- Yeah.
228
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:45,692
Frame up on the shot, okay,
Cameron?
229
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,152
That's good.
230
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,946
Ready camera 2. That looks okay.
231
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,031
Hey, guys.
232
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,741
Hey, Lorne.
Can you get down or around?
233
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,368
Down in front.
234
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,286
Dave, how're we looking?
235
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:57,454
Good, good, good. Good, good.
236
00:08:57,621 --> 00:09:00,040
Still working on the 47 notes
you gave me on your last visit.
237
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,709
Okay. How's the morale looking
out there?
238
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,127
"Morale"?
239
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,339
I think I can speak
for the entire crew...
240
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:11,760
when I say this is exactly where
we want to be on Saturday night.
241
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,930
- Okay. Great.
- Yeah. Yeah.
242
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,766
Rocky! Wake up, will you?
243
00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:21,436
Give me lights 25B, 25C!
244
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,440
Half down on 31! That's 32!
245
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,276
You've done this before, right?
246
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,443
Man, that's a lot of lights.
247
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,195
Charlie, you're gonna drop
a testicle lifting that thing.
248
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,363
Good job, Charlie.
249
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,531
All right. Quiet, please!
250
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,409
Here we go. Rehearsal's up.
Actors on their marks.
251
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:36,869
All right. Hey, guys.
252
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,288
We only have two minutes
of commercials...
253
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,832
to make it from stage right
to stage left.
254
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:43,584
Anybody know the load bearing
on the booms?
255
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,669
- Hello, fellas.
- What's up, Joe?
256
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,462
Can I get you anything?
Refreshment?
257
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,922
- Mai Tai?
- I'll take a Schaefer.
258
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,924
Try and at least act like
you're fucking working, please.
259
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,383
John, thank you
for your patience.
260
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:53,468
Moments away, okay?
261
00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:57,598
All right. Next card.
"Al 'Bud' Franken."
262
00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,558
Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis."
263
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,685
Okay. So, this is a bit?
264
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,896
Look, I don't get
half the shit that they do.
265
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,023
Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..."
266
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:09,276
Lorne, is Rosie going
with Michaels or Shuster?
267
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,570
- That's a good question.
- Should I ask Rosie?
268
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,239
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.
269
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,158
- All right.
- Stew, that's good.
270
00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,618
That's actually looking good.
271
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,578
A little more over.
272
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,078
She's been at it for hours.
273
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,538
She's simply doing her job.
274
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,873
We have to comply
with NBC standards.
275
00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,166
Well, I refuse to comply.
276
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,543
Mr. O'Donoghue.
277
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:31,215
On page 12, what is clam diving?
278
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:36,011
I believe
the act of harvesting mollusks.
279
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,803
Stew! You're killing me here.
280
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,223
I just need the lights
for Home Invasion.
281
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,015
Talk to the wonder kid!
He's trying to light
282
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,934
- Jesus Christ Superstar!
- Those are excuses.
283
00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:44,603
Four people up there,
get them lit.
284
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,564
I'm glad you're having fun,
but this isn't helpful.
285
00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:49,900
If that piglet
disfigures my work...
286
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,694
I'm gonna turn her uterus
into a sock puppet.
287
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,030
What is "Zipper Dinner"?
288
00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:02,079
How many of these
did you hide in the script?
289
00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:04,957
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.
290
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,416
I know what blue balls are.
291
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,584
You don't say.
292
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,587
Come on, people, move
with purpose. Let's do this.
293
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,006
Al, is that your one?
Come on, give it.
294
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,883
All right. Quiet, please!
Rehearsal is up.
295
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,260
Assault and burglary.
296
00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:19,137
Okay. Actors on your marks, please.
297
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,388
Cameras on their marks.
298
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,473
- Here we go.
- Hey.
299
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,397
Okay! Let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.
300
00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:30,064
Sketches! Davy, please.
301
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,148
And action on rehearsals.
302
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,776
Okay. Ready, Camera One?
Take Camera One.
303
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,322
Look, honey. Boeing Boeing with
Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes.
304
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,616
Ready, Camera Two?
Take Camera Two.
305
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,035
Sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just gonna...
306
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,287
have another glass
of diet root beer
307
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:45,956
and go to bed, okay?
308
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,668
- Aykroyd!
- Cue, Danny.
309
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,215
What's the problem?
310
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,592
What's going on, Dan?
311
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,385
It's a little lodged.
312
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,721
Hi, there!
313
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:01,972
Please do not be alarmed.
314
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,891
This is only a simulated
assault and burglary.
315
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,310
Repeat. This is a simulated
assault and burglary.
316
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,102
This could happen to you
at any time. In fact...
317
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,228
- it just has.
- Call the police!
318
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,314
No, no!
319
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,399
Don't call the police.
I am the police.
320
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,567
Well, I might be, anyway.
321
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,570
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer...
- Hold!
322
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,864
Aykroyd, one giant step
to the right, please.
323
00:12:19,198 --> 00:12:20,198
Yeah. My right?
324
00:12:20,199 --> 00:12:21,408
- Yes.
- Sure.
325
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,243
Say, man, you want me
to say anything in this?
326
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,205
Or am I the silent robber type?
327
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,373
I think we're gonna
stick to the script this time.
328
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,833
- What script?
- Thanks, Garrett.
329
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,252
Okay. Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.
330
00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,630
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.
331
00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:35,923
My name is Kenny Vorstrather.
332
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,467
I'm president
of Trojan Horse Home Security.
333
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,844
I have broken into your home
tonight to illustrate to you...
334
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,011
and your family just how...
335
00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,096
Watch out!
336
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:45,806
Shit!
337
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,058
- Have your girders been checked?
- Piece of shit!
338
00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,392
You fucking piece of shit!
339
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,521
I'll fucking break
your fucking jaw!
340
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,941
Play the cameras back.
Play the cameras back. Let's go.
341
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:56,068
John, are you hurt?
342
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:57,861
Jesus Christ!
343
00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,070
You okay?
344
00:12:59,071 --> 00:13:01,155
Need a new gun.
Where's props for me, please?
345
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,448
Can somebody
clear the children, please?
346
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,575
Excuse me. Watch out, please.
347
00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,409
Why? You got
any more fucking lights
348
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,662
you want to drop on us?
349
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,704
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, motherfucker!
350
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,498
Want me to break
your fucking jaw for you?
351
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,624
Fucking amateur hour!
352
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,710
I'll bust your fucking jaw
for you, motherfucker!
353
00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:16,170
Hey! Hey! How dare you
endanger my actors?
354
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:17,255
Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it.
355
00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:18,339
Really? Yeah.
356
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,466
You're the one asking
for 100 fucking light cues, pal!
357
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,718
Well, feel free to let me know
when my expectations
358
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:23,803
surpass your abilities.
359
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,055
There's a shit-ton of lights.
It's not worth it.
360
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,015
You know, I don't know, guys.
It was kind of exciting.
361
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,517
Like, it's probably good luck.
362
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,602
Wallie.
363
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,397
This thing's not gonna work.
I need...
364
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,481
Something with
a little more heft.
365
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,316
It's got no stopping power.
You know what I mean?
366
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,777
The script said pistol.
367
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,779
Well, the script
specifically called for...
368
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,615
a Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.
369
00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:44,825
Do we go again?
370
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,743
In this deathtrap?
371
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:47,911
Well, we've worked out
the kinks.
372
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:50,330
You know, I still think
it was kind of funny.
373
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,249
How high will this thing go, Al?
374
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:54,001
- Gilda. Gilda.
- Say hello to the cameras, boys.
375
00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:56,378
There's home base...
376
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,753
Kid, this ain't an armory.
377
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,590
No one's gonna notice
the difference.
378
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,756
I'll tell you who'll notice.
379
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:01,924
A few of the fine folks
at home...
380
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,759
who lugged M16s through
four feet of swamp juice
381
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:04,844
in Quang Nam.
382
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,305
Hey, boys!
383
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,306
Guess I picked the wrong day
to not wear underwear.
384
00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:09,390
Don't look too hard.
385
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,474
Proud of yourself?
386
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,186
I'll give you and this circus
till the end of the week.
387
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,062
That's funny. 'Cause I give you
till the end of the day.
388
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:16,773
All right, everyone.
389
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,358
Let's get this thing cleaned up.
390
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:22,029
Grab a light, broom, dustpan.
We'll get all this glass.
391
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,532
Thank you, hermano.
392
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,160
All right, Neil,
not with the keys right now.
393
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:35,876
Pow, pow! Pow, pow!
394
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,087
Hey, come on, man.
395
00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:40,756
Violence? Really?
396
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,009
My main man, Jim!
397
00:14:44,176 --> 00:14:48,222
Say, sorry for shooting
your Muppets, man.
398
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,932
They're not just...
399
00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:51,892
They're your co-stars.
400
00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:56,313
Is that you?
You all right there, Jim?
401
00:14:57,231 --> 00:14:58,232
Yes.
402
00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:00,609
No.
403
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:05,322
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.
404
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:07,658
They tied a belt
around Big Bird's neck...
405
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,619
and hung him
from my dressing room door.
406
00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:13,163
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.
I'm so sorry.
407
00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,415
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Who knew?
408
00:15:16,375 --> 00:15:17,751
You're full of baloney.
409
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,419
- Cursing.
- Consider me...
410
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,588
the first rat
off this sinkin' ship!
411
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,423
- Really?
- Don't jump to...
412
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,425
Wow, that's mature. Well,
what can I say? Bon voyage.
413
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,595
Lorne, he was our lighting
director. We need lights.
414
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,847
I'm sure there's someone
else in the building...
415
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,431
- who can push a button, Dick.
- Hey, he's the only one
416
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,725
who knows the location
of the 200 lights you asked for.
417
00:15:34,852 --> 00:15:35,853
What is this?
418
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,897
What's the meaning of this?
Who did this?
419
00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:42,067
Hey, I thought
we were making a comedy!
420
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:02,713
Sounding good, guys.
421
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,049
Yeah. Okay.
422
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,552
- All right.
- Say...
423
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,304
we actually
worked together before.
424
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,890
I sang backup for Belafonte.
425
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,018
Catch that?
426
00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,855
Drink the coconut water
427
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:21,022
Four to five!
428
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:22,941
Man, it's good
for you daughter...
429
00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:24,193
Four to five!
430
00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,653
Coco got a lotta iron
431
00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:33,368
The guy is singing, too.
432
00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,121
How many people
do they have playin' tonight?
433
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:39,750
No. No, no. See, I am one of
the comedic performers, man.
434
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:41,418
Yeah, I'm in the cast.
435
00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:44,546
You are a professional comedian?
436
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,966
- Well, no, not by trade.
- Okay.
437
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,511
You see,
I'm actually a playwright.
438
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,346
- All right.
- Perhaps you saw my work...
439
00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:55,432
at the Black Arts
Repertory Theatre in Harlem.
440
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:57,100
Yeah, I must have missed that.
441
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,813
Yeah. I actually don't know
why they hired me, man.
442
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:05,067
Yeah, you seem a little tight.
443
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,359
- A little...
- Do I?
444
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:08,694
Yeah, you gotta kinda
loosen it up for the show.
445
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,030
Say, Alvin...
446
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,573
Hook Mr...
447
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,575
- What's your name?
- Garrett Morris.
448
00:17:13,951 --> 00:17:15,868
Garrett Morris, y'all,
the comedian.
449
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,538
Yeah,
hook Mr. Garrett Morris up...
450
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,707
with a little bit of confidence.
You know what I'm saying?
451
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:23,417
- Yeah, come...
- Okay.
452
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,795
Go ahead and get it.
453
00:17:24,962 --> 00:17:25,963
Medical grade.
454
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,464
Shit so light,
air at the bottom of the bottle.
455
00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:29,633
You're gonna float.
456
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,593
Float?
457
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,720
- I'm gonna put this away.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
458
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,931
This is illegal.
459
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,768
Yeah, well, you're gonna
need it. For your comedy.
460
00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,603
- Right. Right.
- Yeah.
461
00:17:42,855 --> 00:17:43,939
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
462
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,233
- All right, y'all, let's get it.
- Scotty, sound check.
463
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,943
All right, everyone,
quiet for sound check.
464
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:49,444
Sound check!
465
00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:51,029
This should be fun.
466
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,332
Is this full volume?
467
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:03,833
The whole enchilada.
468
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:05,501
Sounds pretty adequate to me.
469
00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:06,794
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.
470
00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:09,130
It needs to feel like a rock
concert for everyone at home.
471
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:11,257
Lorne has such
a deep appreciation for music.
472
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,676
Shouldn't we have more mics?
473
00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:14,052
One band, one mic.
474
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:18,932
Dick, this needs to be fixed
for tonight.
475
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:20,517
That's what
I've been talking about.
476
00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:22,019
Three, four.
477
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,486
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this for John?
478
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,779
Yeah, I heard he's in makeup.
479
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,573
Do you like being yelled at
or something?
480
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:35,782
Here, I've got you.
481
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,117
Where are you going?
482
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:52,591
Jimmy, do not bet
on that hand, please.
483
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:58,805
Can you hold the door?
484
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,475
Yeah, I think so.
485
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:04,769
- Easy on the macaroni, Carmine.
- All right.
486
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,604
You don't want
to hurt your stomach.
487
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:07,689
All right, Rosie.
488
00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,613
There he is...
489
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:17,199
the star of the show.
490
00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:19,993
Come on, Rosie.
Not the fucking bees!
491
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:23,914
I'm not a dashboard ornament.
492
00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:27,543
No, you're adorable,
is what you are...
493
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:31,755
and all that fur, every girl's
gonna want to squeeze you.
494
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:35,342
I am a trained professional.
495
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,136
Well, you better watch
where you point that stinger.
496
00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:41,473
Come on. You want a little cig?
497
00:19:42,850 --> 00:19:46,395
What happened to my reporter
costume? Blaine Hotel?
498
00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:47,687
It's a five-second changeover
499
00:19:47,688 --> 00:19:49,189
from the reporter
to ancient Greece, okay?
500
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,567
Lorne didn't think you'd
have time to get into your toga.
501
00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:53,318
Okay.
502
00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:00,534
Excuse me, ma'am.
503
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:01,743
Don't be alarmed.
504
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:05,289
You're dealing with
a fully-qualified male strumpet.
505
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,833
Hey, Rosie, I got
the latest version of New Dad.
506
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,001
Okay.
507
00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:10,669
Behave.
508
00:20:11,128 --> 00:20:12,421
Bee-have.
509
00:20:14,089 --> 00:20:16,466
I can assure you
professional hygiene...
510
00:20:17,176 --> 00:20:19,344
discretion,
animal gratification...
511
00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:20,512
Listen, strumpet...
512
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,639
It's Fred Garvin.
Male prostitute.
513
00:20:22,806 --> 00:20:24,141
How much is this gonna cost me?
514
00:20:24,308 --> 00:20:25,976
Hey, need you in costumes.
515
00:20:26,143 --> 00:20:28,395
I told them to make those
hot pants extra hot.
516
00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:29,605
Yummy.
517
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,939
Lorne, we're gonna go check out
the cut on New Dad,
518
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,025
you want to see?
519
00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:38,322
Holy shit, holy shit.
Sorry, Lorne. Jesus.
520
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:39,864
Hey, I heard John
doesn't like the bee costume.
521
00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:40,949
You know anything about this?
522
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,951
It's not a costume problem.
He thinks he's Brando.
523
00:20:43,118 --> 00:20:44,202
- He's better than Brando.
- Lorne, Lorne.
524
00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:45,411
I'm working on it, Dick.
525
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,413
He's better than Brando.
He's more important even.
526
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,457
- He'll be studied.
- They will study his liver.
527
00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:51,459
John is better when he's angry.
528
00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,044
Rose, you understand
that in an hour,
529
00:20:53,045 --> 00:20:54,170
I owe a television program?
530
00:20:54,171 --> 00:20:55,296
I made a covenant
with the National...
531
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,380
- Broadcasting Company.
- A covenant, huh?
532
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,549
Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on
the hook for 90 minutes...
533
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,552
- of live television.
- Okay, Abraham.
534
00:21:02,221 --> 00:21:05,557
Rose, must you turn him
into a bee?
535
00:21:05,724 --> 00:21:06,933
I am not turning him into a bee.
536
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:08,017
Thanks, Tom.
537
00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:10,229
He is a man in a bee costume.
538
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:11,522
There is a difference.
539
00:21:12,648 --> 00:21:14,691
It's an image
you can't get out of your head.
540
00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:18,654
It's postmodern,
it's Warhol, it's iconic.
541
00:21:19,947 --> 00:21:21,198
Where do these ideas
even come from?
542
00:21:21,365 --> 00:21:23,992
I just send an imaginary dog
to fetch an imaginary stick.
543
00:21:24,159 --> 00:21:25,494
Yeah? Must be some dog.
544
00:21:25,661 --> 00:21:27,371
He's very well trained.
545
00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:28,956
Honey, I'm home.
546
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,207
Hey, pal.
547
00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:31,959
Hey.
548
00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:33,626
How are ya?
549
00:21:33,627 --> 00:21:35,545
Looks like Chevy's fiancée
slipped and fell
550
00:21:35,546 --> 00:21:36,796
into another segment.
551
00:21:36,797 --> 00:21:39,091
Jacqueline's gonna be hosting
the show if you're not careful.
552
00:21:39,258 --> 00:21:40,300
Jesus Christ.
553
00:21:40,676 --> 00:21:42,302
A wonderful family.
554
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:44,555
Everything you need
for the future.
555
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:46,557
- Danny's good in this.
- Yeah, he is.
556
00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:49,726
What if you were suddenly
out of the picture?
557
00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:51,687
Can we add sound there
over the X?
558
00:21:51,854 --> 00:21:54,189
- Like a buzzer?
- No, funny, like a bell.
559
00:21:54,356 --> 00:21:55,440
Good call.
560
00:21:55,983 --> 00:21:57,358
And if we could hold
on the photo
561
00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,735
for another eight frames.
562
00:21:58,902 --> 00:21:59,987
16 frames.
563
00:22:02,573 --> 00:22:03,782
Were you...
564
00:22:05,075 --> 00:22:07,202
thinking of going home
with him tonight?
565
00:22:07,828 --> 00:22:09,037
With Danny? Tonight?
566
00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:10,621
Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting
that you weren't gonna tell me.
567
00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:11,706
If you need alone time,
I can, I just...
568
00:22:11,707 --> 00:22:12,957
No, no, no. I just didn't know,
like, if you were...
569
00:22:12,958 --> 00:22:14,876
It's opening night.
So, I figured that it wasn't
570
00:22:14,877 --> 00:22:16,378
- the right time.
- I mean, neither did I.
571
00:22:16,545 --> 00:22:17,713
Well, then why are you asking?
572
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,798
Just avoiding surprises, Rose.
573
00:22:19,965 --> 00:22:21,800
- But you love surprises.
- I love surprises.
574
00:22:21,967 --> 00:22:24,136
Like Anne Frank
loved her drum set.
575
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:26,263
Don't encourage her.
576
00:22:27,139 --> 00:22:28,139
Can you hold on the photo
577
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,349
for another eight frames, please?
578
00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:30,517
It's always eight frames.
579
00:22:30,684 --> 00:22:32,686
Eight frames is a beat. So...
580
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,565
Can you believe I need to cut
an hour of the show?
581
00:22:36,732 --> 00:22:39,067
NBC doesn't want a three-hour
sketch comedy review?
582
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:40,944
Jesus, Rose,
don't call it that, please.
583
00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:42,613
Well, what is it, then?
584
00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:44,031
Honey, I'm home.
585
00:22:44,198 --> 00:22:46,200
Yes, it's New Dad.
586
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:47,825
I spent years collecting
orphaned comedians
587
00:22:47,826 --> 00:22:48,911
off the street.
588
00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:50,204
I know.
589
00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,247
They sleep on our dinette
and they whiz in our sink.
590
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:53,582
By some miraculous accident...
591
00:22:53,749 --> 00:22:55,166
I found a place to call home
592
00:22:55,167 --> 00:22:56,667
for our little circus
of rejects,
593
00:22:56,668 --> 00:22:58,086
on national television.
594
00:22:58,253 --> 00:22:59,713
Rose, this is our shot.
595
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,340
It's a shot.
596
00:23:01,507 --> 00:23:02,508
Rose...
597
00:23:05,010 --> 00:23:06,220
You're actually nervous.
598
00:23:12,684 --> 00:23:14,520
Barbara was asking about...
599
00:23:15,145 --> 00:23:18,315
your credit... on the show.
600
00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:20,317
I figured
you'd go with Michaels.
601
00:23:20,484 --> 00:23:21,693
Is that what you want?
602
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:26,865
I mean, you know, we're married
and you're my wife.
603
00:23:27,032 --> 00:23:29,368
I figured
it's the straightest line.
604
00:23:29,535 --> 00:23:31,453
Lorne, we're married,
but I'm not your wife.
605
00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:33,705
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on a crawl.
606
00:23:33,872 --> 00:23:35,374
Well, what would you prefer?
607
00:23:39,044 --> 00:23:40,378
Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs
608
00:23:40,379 --> 00:23:41,797
are waiting
in the green room for you.
609
00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:43,882
- Fuck.
- VTR needed this yesterday.
610
00:23:44,049 --> 00:23:45,217
Well, it looks great.
611
00:23:47,427 --> 00:23:50,013
- Tom, Al, what's this about?
- Hey, Lorne.
612
00:23:50,180 --> 00:23:52,140
- A last-minute piece.
- Just in case you need it.
613
00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:53,433
I don't. What's the gag?
614
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,894
We're gonna dress Aykroyd up
as Julia Childs.
615
00:23:56,061 --> 00:23:57,521
- America's favorite chef.
- Okay.
616
00:23:57,688 --> 00:23:59,648
And right as she's carvin' up
a turkey on live television...
617
00:23:59,815 --> 00:24:01,859
She slices open an artery.
Blood everywhere.
618
00:24:02,025 --> 00:24:03,193
Everywhere.
619
00:24:04,945 --> 00:24:05,946
That's the whole pitch?
620
00:24:06,113 --> 00:24:07,113
Yeah, just America's
favorite chef
621
00:24:07,114 --> 00:24:08,197
painting the walls
with her insides.
622
00:24:08,198 --> 00:24:09,282
Total gore fest.
623
00:24:09,283 --> 00:24:10,658
It's gonna be utter carnage, boss.
624
00:24:10,659 --> 00:24:12,660
Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs
625
00:24:12,661 --> 00:24:14,871
and I've cut the dickens
out of my finger.
626
00:24:14,872 --> 00:24:16,122
- Sounds promising.
- Wait, wait, boss.
627
00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:17,248
I didn't even get
to the good part yet.
628
00:24:17,249 --> 00:24:18,332
Just put down a tarp.
629
00:24:18,333 --> 00:24:20,209
Yeah, he doesn't like
the Julia Childs bit.
630
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,295
George...
631
00:24:23,422 --> 00:24:25,381
- How's Carlin?
- Warming up the pipes.
632
00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:28,134
Okay, well, heard Belushi
hasn't signed his contract yet.
633
00:24:28,135 --> 00:24:29,427
Formality.
634
00:24:29,428 --> 00:24:31,679
Yeah, well,
they're pretty formal here.
635
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,056
Speaking of, the folks in
standards are a little uneasy...
636
00:24:34,057 --> 00:24:35,183
about the parody commercial
637
00:24:35,184 --> 00:24:36,684
playing right before
the regular ads.
638
00:24:36,685 --> 00:24:38,519
I think they think the viewers
might be a little confused.
639
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,521
One might argue that's
what makes it humorous, Dick.
640
00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:41,898
Yeah, but, Lorne,
at what point are we
641
00:24:41,899 --> 00:24:43,232
not just making fun
of the audience?
642
00:24:43,233 --> 00:24:45,067
Hardly. It's commedia dell'arte.
If anything,
643
00:24:45,068 --> 00:24:47,154
it'll make the other commercials
feel all the more real...
644
00:24:47,321 --> 00:24:49,072
and the sponsors
will probably thank you.
645
00:24:49,615 --> 00:24:50,741
Who's in there?
Should I be concerned?
646
00:24:50,908 --> 00:24:52,533
No. Just try not to use words
647
00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:54,244
like "underground"
or "revolutionary."
648
00:24:54,411 --> 00:24:55,495
I'm not exactly Che Guevara.
649
00:24:55,662 --> 00:24:56,663
Yeah.
650
00:24:58,415 --> 00:24:59,875
What the fuck? There's like
a thousand people in there.
651
00:25:00,042 --> 00:25:02,294
Fifty. The affiliates,
from across the country.
652
00:25:02,461 --> 00:25:03,545
Lorne, they're excited
to see the show.
653
00:25:03,712 --> 00:25:04,796
I don't have time for this,
Dick.
654
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,631
Lorne, these are the people
that will decide
655
00:25:06,632 --> 00:25:08,175
whether or not we have a hit.
656
00:25:08,342 --> 00:25:11,136
They choose whether we go
on the air. We need them.
657
00:25:13,805 --> 00:25:15,390
- Three minutes?
- Tops.
658
00:25:17,309 --> 00:25:19,186
Gentlemen. Hello.
Lorne Michaels.
659
00:25:19,353 --> 00:25:20,687
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
660
00:25:20,854 --> 00:25:23,148
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
661
00:25:23,315 --> 00:25:25,067
Lorne Michaels. This is my show.
662
00:25:25,234 --> 00:25:27,611
Hi, where are we flying in from,
gentlemen? Chicago and...
663
00:25:27,778 --> 00:25:29,738
- New Orleans.
- New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic.
664
00:25:29,905 --> 00:25:32,366
Well, we're very lucky
to have some Southerners here.
665
00:25:32,533 --> 00:25:33,784
Hi. Nice to meet you.
666
00:25:33,951 --> 00:25:36,828
Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.
I'm the creator of the show.
667
00:25:36,995 --> 00:25:39,039
Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi.
668
00:25:39,206 --> 00:25:41,625
I appreciate your support,
gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi.
669
00:25:41,792 --> 00:25:43,544
- Tallahassee.
- Tallahassee? Wow.
670
00:25:43,710 --> 00:25:45,379
- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Hi.
671
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:47,881
Who am I kidding? Gentlemen...
672
00:25:50,676 --> 00:25:51,802
Can I see that?
673
00:25:52,511 --> 00:25:53,512
Thank you.
674
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:55,847
Hope this isn't the only thing
675
00:25:55,848 --> 00:25:57,558
getting sucked
on this weekend, boys.
676
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,893
Jesus, you guys look like
the cast of Godfather
677
00:26:00,894 --> 00:26:02,604
if it was shot in Alabama.
678
00:26:04,523 --> 00:26:06,316
I see some cowboys here.
679
00:26:06,483 --> 00:26:08,235
That's a hell
of a 10-gallon hat.
680
00:26:08,402 --> 00:26:10,237
You look like you're ready
for a date with a livestock.
681
00:26:12,948 --> 00:26:14,408
Welcome to New York.
682
00:26:14,575 --> 00:26:15,742
It's quite diverse.
683
00:26:16,076 --> 00:26:17,452
If you want to meet
Black people, go to Harlem.
684
00:26:17,619 --> 00:26:19,705
If you want to meet Jews,
come to our writer's room.
685
00:26:21,582 --> 00:26:23,500
Sir, you look like
you're from Ohio.
686
00:26:23,667 --> 00:26:26,336
My favorite thing about Ohio...
687
00:26:29,047 --> 00:26:30,591
Let me introduce you
to our head writer...
688
00:26:31,383 --> 00:26:34,219
our prince of darkness,
Michael O'Donoghue.
689
00:26:35,012 --> 00:26:37,055
Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.
690
00:26:37,973 --> 00:26:39,808
I'm certain
you all know Mr. Rogers.
691
00:26:39,975 --> 00:26:42,185
Perhaps the most kind
and gentle man
692
00:26:42,186 --> 00:26:43,395
in all of television.
693
00:26:43,562 --> 00:26:47,065
This is my impression
of Mr. Rogers...
694
00:26:47,232 --> 00:26:50,402
plunging 18-inch
steel sewing needles...
695
00:26:50,569 --> 00:26:51,570
into his eyes.
696
00:27:04,625 --> 00:27:06,793
Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael.
697
00:27:08,128 --> 00:27:10,172
Well, now you know
why they put us on at midnight.
698
00:27:14,176 --> 00:27:15,761
Hello, everybody,
my name is Lorne Michaels.
699
00:27:15,928 --> 00:27:19,723
I'm the producer
and creator of Saturday Night.
700
00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:23,393
We have a wonderful show
for you this evening.
701
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,647
George Carlin,
the great Billy Preston...
702
00:27:27,773 --> 00:27:28,899
a film by Albert Brooks.
703
00:27:29,358 --> 00:27:31,568
Jim Henson's Muppets.
704
00:27:33,111 --> 00:27:35,155
We're excited for tonight.
705
00:27:37,032 --> 00:27:39,326
Because there's never been
a television show...
706
00:27:39,493 --> 00:27:42,704
made for or by the generation...
707
00:27:42,871 --> 00:27:45,666
that grew up
watching television. So...
708
00:27:48,836 --> 00:27:52,589
In the words
of my dear friend Che Guevara...
709
00:27:53,090 --> 00:27:54,341
this is the revolution.
710
00:27:55,050 --> 00:27:56,051
Yes. Yes.
711
00:27:57,678 --> 00:27:58,804
Who's with us?
712
00:27:58,971 --> 00:28:00,305
Heads on pikes!
713
00:28:00,973 --> 00:28:02,808
Blood will run in the streets!
714
00:28:05,060 --> 00:28:06,353
Gentlemen, behold...
715
00:28:06,979 --> 00:28:08,146
if you listen closely,
you can hear...
716
00:28:08,313 --> 00:28:10,691
Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.
717
00:28:10,858 --> 00:28:11,941
Lorne can get
a little passionate.
718
00:28:11,942 --> 00:28:13,402
And so can Chevy.
719
00:28:13,777 --> 00:28:14,903
- Blood in the streets?
- Yeah.
720
00:28:15,070 --> 00:28:16,738
Well, that sounds delightful.
721
00:28:16,905 --> 00:28:19,283
How much are we spending
on this insurrection?
722
00:28:19,449 --> 00:28:21,493
About 250 an episode.
723
00:28:21,660 --> 00:28:23,703
Well, I guess
revolutions aren't cheap.
724
00:28:23,704 --> 00:28:24,788
Right.
725
00:28:24,955 --> 00:28:27,374
What is this? Absolutely not.
726
00:28:27,541 --> 00:28:29,542
No. No, no, no. We're not
gonna beg for their approval.
727
00:28:29,543 --> 00:28:30,668
No, take it down,
we don't need this.
728
00:28:30,669 --> 00:28:31,752
Well, you know...
729
00:28:31,753 --> 00:28:33,296
Lorne Michaels is
a special bird, you know.
730
00:28:33,297 --> 00:28:34,381
He believes in his vision.
731
00:28:35,215 --> 00:28:36,800
Well, that's nice.
732
00:28:39,970 --> 00:28:41,388
And he doesn't really bend.
733
00:28:43,182 --> 00:28:45,350
We know how that story goes.
734
00:28:49,646 --> 00:28:51,773
Des Moines. How'd you escape?
735
00:28:51,940 --> 00:28:53,692
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.
736
00:28:54,276 --> 00:28:56,695
My father had good taste
and my mom was an alcoholic.
737
00:28:56,862 --> 00:29:00,449
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?
738
00:29:00,866 --> 00:29:02,326
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.
739
00:29:03,452 --> 00:29:05,287
You held that room like a pro.
740
00:29:05,454 --> 00:29:07,080
- Thank you.
- I mean it.
741
00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,541
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.
742
00:29:09,708 --> 00:29:11,752
You know,
I handle The Tonight Show.
743
00:29:12,085 --> 00:29:13,337
I didn't know that.
744
00:29:14,296 --> 00:29:15,297
Between us...
745
00:29:15,464 --> 00:29:18,091
Johnny Carson isn't gonna
be around forever.
746
00:29:19,343 --> 00:29:20,511
Think about it.
747
00:29:22,304 --> 00:29:24,473
You're a handsome,
funny gentile.
748
00:29:26,558 --> 00:29:27,893
That means something.
749
00:29:40,489 --> 00:29:42,324
Lorne, you remember Dave Tebet.
750
00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:44,117
Of course.
751
00:29:44,284 --> 00:29:45,452
I remember everyone
who gives me a job, Dick.
752
00:29:45,619 --> 00:29:46,787
Smart kid.
753
00:29:46,954 --> 00:29:48,497
Quite a lineup this evening.
754
00:29:48,664 --> 00:29:50,206
You know, while I have you,
I do understand
755
00:29:50,207 --> 00:29:51,625
that we are bending
some of the rules...
756
00:29:51,792 --> 00:29:54,086
Lorne, this is NBC.
There is a way things are done.
757
00:29:54,253 --> 00:29:55,629
- The Peacock way.
- Right.
758
00:29:55,796 --> 00:29:56,838
Well, we are thinking
a little differently.
759
00:29:56,839 --> 00:29:57,922
We just, you know...
760
00:29:57,923 --> 00:29:59,257
You know, maybe an emu.
761
00:29:59,258 --> 00:30:00,384
Hey, that's... Well, I just...
762
00:30:00,551 --> 00:30:01,593
Dick, shut the fuck up.
763
00:30:03,387 --> 00:30:06,974
Can't you see talent when it's
standing inches from your face?
764
00:30:07,140 --> 00:30:08,350
What do you think he's gonna do?
765
00:30:08,517 --> 00:30:10,768
Embarrass us
with some half-assed,
766
00:30:10,769 --> 00:30:12,271
rat-fuck donkey show?
767
00:30:12,437 --> 00:30:14,022
Frankly, that's exactly
what I signed up for.
768
00:30:14,189 --> 00:30:15,899
- Michael.
- I expect you...
769
00:30:16,066 --> 00:30:19,611
to be an unbending force
of seismic disturbance.
770
00:30:19,987 --> 00:30:23,699
Light up that NBC switchboard
like a bomb went off.
771
00:30:24,283 --> 00:30:26,326
Well, I promise
not to play the music too loud.
772
00:30:26,577 --> 00:30:29,496
Fuck that. This isn't
the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.
773
00:30:29,663 --> 00:30:30,831
It's Saturday fucking Night.
774
00:30:30,998 --> 00:30:33,000
I want you
to be thunderous and deafening.
775
00:30:33,166 --> 00:30:35,961
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.
776
00:30:36,128 --> 00:30:37,920
Great. I mean,
I've always seen this
777
00:30:37,921 --> 00:30:39,047
as a collision that erupts...
778
00:30:39,214 --> 00:30:40,716
- from every screen in America.
- Yes. Yes.
779
00:30:40,883 --> 00:30:43,218
A prism that captures the light
of an emerging generation.
780
00:30:43,385 --> 00:30:45,512
Stop! Don't say another word.
781
00:30:45,679 --> 00:30:49,141
Don't question another instinct.
782
00:30:49,641 --> 00:30:50,976
- Ebersol?
- Yes?
783
00:30:51,852 --> 00:30:54,313
We're standing in the presence
of a prophet.
784
00:30:54,479 --> 00:30:55,480
Yeah, he certainly
talks like a...
785
00:30:55,647 --> 00:30:58,734
A man with a vision.
786
00:30:59,151 --> 00:31:01,320
And I want you
to take that vision...
787
00:31:01,820 --> 00:31:03,447
like a Sherman Tank...
788
00:31:03,614 --> 00:31:07,034
and plow through any fuck
that gets in your way.
789
00:31:07,201 --> 00:31:08,202
Even me.
790
00:31:09,912 --> 00:31:12,623
"Use emotion for the many
and reserve reason for the few."
791
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:14,124
I like that.
792
00:31:14,708 --> 00:31:16,418
I'm putting it on my wall.
793
00:31:19,505 --> 00:31:21,005
Was that a Hitler quote?
794
00:31:21,006 --> 00:31:22,673
Atrocities aside,
the man was a wordsmith.
795
00:31:22,674 --> 00:31:24,175
You missed a call
from Johnny Carson.
796
00:31:24,176 --> 00:31:25,426
I picked up the phone
'cause it was ringing.
797
00:31:25,427 --> 00:31:26,511
What did you tell him?
798
00:31:26,512 --> 00:31:28,262
I told... I don't remember.
He hung up on me.
799
00:31:28,263 --> 00:31:29,680
Lorne, Lorne.
Is that a bunk bed?
800
00:31:29,681 --> 00:31:31,183
I did have
a UFO encounter experience once.
801
00:31:31,350 --> 00:31:32,351
Danny ordered it for his office.
802
00:31:32,518 --> 00:31:34,686
That's confidence. Can you find
me something to eat?
803
00:31:34,853 --> 00:31:36,813
Neil, why would
he order a bunk bed?
804
00:31:38,524 --> 00:31:39,899
Could you get that hippie shit
out of my face?
805
00:31:39,900 --> 00:31:41,442
And I am actually very strong.
806
00:31:41,443 --> 00:31:42,527
Thinking that
he can do the voice?
807
00:31:42,528 --> 00:31:44,278
- It's Aykroyd. Of course he can.
- It's Aykroyd.
808
00:31:44,279 --> 00:31:45,405
But that doesn't
necessarily mean anything.
809
00:31:45,572 --> 00:31:46,573
Hello, boys.
810
00:31:46,740 --> 00:31:48,367
- Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?
- Hey, Mike.
811
00:31:48,534 --> 00:31:50,285
- Nervous about what?
- Performing on live TV.
812
00:31:50,452 --> 00:31:51,662
I'd be shitting bricks.
813
00:31:51,828 --> 00:31:55,457
Television is merely a lava lamp
with slightly better audio.
814
00:31:56,124 --> 00:31:58,168
Colored beads
to fascinate the animal.
815
00:31:58,335 --> 00:31:59,962
I could do it
in a narcoleptic coma.
816
00:32:00,128 --> 00:32:02,130
Hello, Herb.
How's Update coming?
817
00:32:02,297 --> 00:32:04,715
South Vietnam has seized
and burned
818
00:32:04,716 --> 00:32:06,969
100,000 Playboy magazines.
819
00:32:07,135 --> 00:32:08,428
I'm still working
on the punch line.
820
00:32:09,847 --> 00:32:12,724
For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny.
821
00:32:14,601 --> 00:32:17,688
That's the one. Grab it, boys.
We need that couch.
822
00:32:18,605 --> 00:32:20,023
- Rise and shine.
- Oh, God.
823
00:32:21,108 --> 00:32:22,192
- Coming through, coming through.
- Okay.
824
00:32:23,735 --> 00:32:24,735
Oh, pages.
825
00:32:24,736 --> 00:32:25,821
- Watch your back.
- Coming through.
826
00:32:26,822 --> 00:32:27,823
Here we are.
827
00:32:29,867 --> 00:32:30,993
You all right there, Chev?
828
00:32:32,494 --> 00:32:33,704
Things are...
829
00:32:34,496 --> 00:32:35,831
kooper kippy, Herb.
830
00:32:36,498 --> 00:32:37,791
I think it just happened.
831
00:32:37,958 --> 00:32:40,127
Think I got
the old shoulder tap.
832
00:32:41,211 --> 00:32:42,421
- The what?
- You know...
833
00:32:43,088 --> 00:32:44,590
from the guys upstairs.
834
00:32:45,799 --> 00:32:48,260
What's gonna happen to me?
I mean, Herb...
835
00:32:49,511 --> 00:32:52,598
you've been around the block.
Where am I going from here?
836
00:32:52,764 --> 00:32:53,849
Well, I don't know, Chevy.
837
00:32:54,224 --> 00:32:55,893
I never got a shoulder tap.
838
00:32:56,643 --> 00:32:58,187
I just made a fortune...
839
00:32:58,353 --> 00:33:00,189
and won a few Emmys...
840
00:33:00,355 --> 00:33:01,523
and slept with Gloria Steinem.
841
00:33:01,982 --> 00:33:02,983
Two out of three ain't bad.
842
00:33:03,317 --> 00:33:04,318
Here we are.
843
00:33:04,902 --> 00:33:06,486
Wow, you're in so many scenes.
844
00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:10,199
Well... Yeah, but I'm always
everyone's kid sister.
845
00:33:10,365 --> 00:33:11,366
You're the hot one.
846
00:33:11,533 --> 00:33:13,118
I think Jane's the hot one.
847
00:33:13,285 --> 00:33:16,455
No, I'm the mom.
The still-fuckable mom.
848
00:33:18,290 --> 00:33:20,124
My instinct is that
the American people
849
00:33:20,125 --> 00:33:22,085
are gonna fall in love with you.
850
00:33:22,753 --> 00:33:26,340
You'll be obscenely overpaid
for pratfalls and cute jokes.
851
00:33:26,507 --> 00:33:28,550
You'll waste away
most of your life...
852
00:33:29,218 --> 00:33:31,011
with purchased company.
853
00:33:31,637 --> 00:33:33,222
And then eventually
you'll self-medicate...
854
00:33:33,388 --> 00:33:36,225
with booze and hookers
and heroin.
855
00:33:37,017 --> 00:33:38,810
I imagine you'll die alone.
856
00:33:39,811 --> 00:33:41,980
Falling out of a hotel room
window in Stockholm.
857
00:33:42,147 --> 00:33:43,148
Jesus.
858
00:33:44,024 --> 00:33:45,025
I can't wait.
859
00:33:45,526 --> 00:33:47,152
Well, you're
everyone's favorite, Gilda.
860
00:33:47,444 --> 00:33:49,655
I'm just a bagel
looking for lox.
861
00:33:49,821 --> 00:33:52,741
I'm a parrot
with nothing to squawk.
862
00:33:52,908 --> 00:33:54,116
Well, I keep feeling
like any minute,
863
00:33:54,117 --> 00:33:56,453
Lorne's just gonna ship me back.
864
00:33:57,037 --> 00:33:58,914
No. On this budget,
we can't afford the postage.
865
00:33:59,081 --> 00:34:00,248
There's a reason you're here.
866
00:34:00,249 --> 00:34:01,666
You may not know it,
but Lorne does.
867
00:34:01,667 --> 00:34:03,292
- Oh, God!
- You're dealing here with...
868
00:34:03,293 --> 00:34:04,795
a fully-qualified male strumpet.
869
00:34:04,962 --> 00:34:06,505
I'm not a prop, mister.
870
00:34:06,672 --> 00:34:08,841
You know, I can assure you
professional hygiene...
871
00:34:09,341 --> 00:34:12,094
discretion,
animal gratification.
872
00:34:12,261 --> 00:34:14,513
Why don't you assure me a little
peace and quiet?
873
00:34:14,679 --> 00:34:15,681
You rang?
874
00:34:15,848 --> 00:34:17,474
Yeah. I need the Muppet pages.
875
00:34:17,641 --> 00:34:18,891
I already turned in
that one script.
876
00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:20,267
Was Henson uncomfortable
877
00:34:20,268 --> 00:34:22,019
with the Muppets
on a plantation?
878
00:34:22,020 --> 00:34:23,104
It was a musical number.
879
00:34:23,105 --> 00:34:24,481
I don't think
that's the problem.
880
00:34:25,274 --> 00:34:27,650
I just can't write for those
little hairy facecloths.
881
00:34:27,818 --> 00:34:28,818
Well, I need something
for Henson.
882
00:34:28,819 --> 00:34:29,987
We go live in an hour.
883
00:34:30,571 --> 00:34:33,574
You cannot say "horny" on NBC.
884
00:34:34,116 --> 00:34:35,825
Did you see
what that evangelical cunt
885
00:34:35,826 --> 00:34:37,119
did to our pages?
886
00:34:40,664 --> 00:34:41,956
I'll be right back.
887
00:34:42,123 --> 00:34:44,126
So you want us to say sexy
instead of horny?
888
00:34:44,293 --> 00:34:45,585
And sexy and horny
just don't mean the same thing.
889
00:34:45,752 --> 00:34:47,670
I struggle
to see the difference.
890
00:34:47,838 --> 00:34:50,047
Well, if a dog is humping
your leg, it's horny.
891
00:34:50,215 --> 00:34:51,341
It's certainly not sexy.
892
00:34:51,507 --> 00:34:53,092
What on earth are you doing?
893
00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:57,848
I'd rather butt-fuck cancer
than make these changes.
894
00:35:06,356 --> 00:35:09,109
Your words don't scare me,
Mr. O'Donoghue.
895
00:35:09,276 --> 00:35:11,403
I am a woman of God.
896
00:35:11,570 --> 00:35:14,364
I'd heard that God's love
is blind. Now I know why.
897
00:35:15,032 --> 00:35:16,033
You see this?
898
00:35:16,241 --> 00:35:17,242
I do.
899
00:35:17,409 --> 00:35:20,245
I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker...
900
00:35:20,412 --> 00:35:22,206
but this one is special.
901
00:35:22,372 --> 00:35:25,501
It has kept America safe
for the better part of a decade.
902
00:35:25,667 --> 00:35:26,668
It is a weapon...
903
00:35:26,835 --> 00:35:29,671
against vulgarity, sex...
904
00:35:29,838 --> 00:35:33,133
communism, and hedonism.
905
00:35:34,092 --> 00:35:37,596
What about violence? Does it
protect America from violence?
906
00:35:37,763 --> 00:35:38,805
Yes, that too.
907
00:35:38,972 --> 00:35:40,516
How about infanticide?
908
00:35:41,141 --> 00:35:42,142
Excuse me?
909
00:35:42,309 --> 00:35:43,727
Apologies.
910
00:35:44,144 --> 00:35:46,813
Just a $2 word for a parent
who kills their own child.
911
00:35:48,774 --> 00:35:50,442
The mere thought
makes me nauseous.
912
00:35:50,859 --> 00:35:52,318
Understandably.
Me too, by the way.
913
00:35:52,319 --> 00:35:53,819
It's just I had this idea
for a sketch,
914
00:35:53,820 --> 00:35:54,946
and I'm not sure if it's funny.
915
00:35:54,947 --> 00:35:56,031
You can be the judge.
916
00:35:56,198 --> 00:35:57,324
It's about this...
917
00:35:57,866 --> 00:35:59,075
powerful, temperamental guy
918
00:35:59,076 --> 00:36:00,952
who rapes this virgin
in the middle of the night.
919
00:36:00,953 --> 00:36:02,120
I know, awful.
920
00:36:02,287 --> 00:36:04,331
Knocks her up
without ever saying "Hello..."
921
00:36:04,498 --> 00:36:05,707
buying her flowers, whatever.
922
00:36:05,958 --> 00:36:07,417
And then...
923
00:36:07,584 --> 00:36:08,752
here's the funny part.
924
00:36:09,253 --> 00:36:10,838
He has their bastard son...
925
00:36:11,004 --> 00:36:13,799
publicly mutilated and tortured
to death on a cross.
926
00:36:16,218 --> 00:36:18,220
You are a vile human.
927
00:36:19,096 --> 00:36:20,472
Fuck. You've heard this before.
928
00:36:22,641 --> 00:36:23,642
Mr. O'Donoghue.
929
00:36:23,809 --> 00:36:26,477
Are we still being formal?
Please, just call me Satan.
930
00:36:26,478 --> 00:36:27,563
No, I am Satan.
931
00:36:28,105 --> 00:36:29,523
- I am Satan.
- I am Satan.
932
00:36:29,690 --> 00:36:30,899
- I am Satan.
- I'm Satan.
933
00:36:31,066 --> 00:36:32,442
- No. I am Satan.
- We're Satan.
934
00:36:32,609 --> 00:36:36,905
You will be forgotten.
I am gonna make sure of it.
935
00:36:37,531 --> 00:36:38,740
Bye.
936
00:36:41,451 --> 00:36:42,660
Are you out of your mind?
937
00:36:42,661 --> 00:36:44,161
Look, for better or worse,
I call it like I see it.
938
00:36:44,162 --> 00:36:45,288
Well, that was worse.
939
00:36:45,289 --> 00:36:46,539
Lorne, they need you
at the loading dock.
940
00:36:46,540 --> 00:36:47,623
I'm sure someone can sign
for whatever.
941
00:36:47,624 --> 00:36:48,708
You're back on the Muppets.
942
00:36:48,709 --> 00:36:50,209
- Fuck you, I'll quit.
- Yeah, I doubt that.
943
00:36:50,210 --> 00:36:51,377
It's Leo. He's been fighting
944
00:36:51,378 --> 00:36:52,671
with security,
and there's blood.
945
00:36:53,213 --> 00:36:54,631
Oh, my God. Dick.
946
00:36:55,048 --> 00:36:56,049
Oh, shit.
947
00:37:00,971 --> 00:37:03,097
- Hey!
- Hey, Dick. Is this turkey?
948
00:37:03,098 --> 00:37:04,724
- While I have...
- There wasn't a sign, so I...
949
00:37:04,725 --> 00:37:05,808
- Great.
- Lorne, Lorne.
950
00:37:05,809 --> 00:37:06,894
While I have you...
951
00:37:07,352 --> 00:37:09,104
I know you always want to be
on the cutting edge.
952
00:37:09,605 --> 00:37:10,606
Check this out.
953
00:37:11,190 --> 00:37:12,357
Polaroid.
954
00:37:14,526 --> 00:37:15,527
Okay.
955
00:37:16,695 --> 00:37:18,864
We can have the actors
demo it live.
956
00:37:19,031 --> 00:37:21,450
Write it into sketches,
do live commercials.
957
00:37:21,617 --> 00:37:23,035
Funny ones.
The payout is bonkers.
958
00:37:23,202 --> 00:37:24,995
Dick, the cast didn't sign up
to do live commercials.
959
00:37:25,204 --> 00:37:26,205
Neither did I.
960
00:37:26,371 --> 00:37:28,331
Some of the cast
might find that very unseemly.
961
00:37:28,332 --> 00:37:29,790
I completely understand.
962
00:37:29,791 --> 00:37:31,792
But television's driven
by advertising.
963
00:37:31,793 --> 00:37:33,252
It's what makes the motor run.
964
00:37:33,253 --> 00:37:34,587
It's really
not a big deal at all.
965
00:37:34,588 --> 00:37:36,255
Just please don't show this
to the talent.
966
00:37:36,256 --> 00:37:37,632
I don't want them thinking
967
00:37:37,633 --> 00:37:38,926
they're back
on the Kraft Macaroni Hour.
968
00:37:39,676 --> 00:37:41,595
You know, what, are we
going kayaking? What is this?
969
00:37:42,304 --> 00:37:43,597
Lorne, we're over budget.
970
00:37:44,223 --> 00:37:45,265
Dick, you don't need
to tell me that.
971
00:37:45,432 --> 00:37:46,682
Someone needs to tell you that.
972
00:37:46,683 --> 00:37:48,017
We don't even know
what the show is yet.
973
00:37:48,018 --> 00:37:49,560
How could we possibly know
the budget?
974
00:37:49,561 --> 00:37:50,645
That's true.
That's a good point.
975
00:37:50,646 --> 00:37:51,771
Neil, please.
976
00:37:51,772 --> 00:37:53,272
If we don't know
what the show is,
977
00:37:53,273 --> 00:37:54,816
Lorne, what the fuck
are we doing here?
978
00:37:54,983 --> 00:37:56,610
I know the ingredients.
979
00:37:57,402 --> 00:37:58,444
Just not the amounts.
980
00:37:58,445 --> 00:37:59,530
Lorne, what does that mean?
981
00:37:59,696 --> 00:38:02,032
We just have to make it
to 11:30.
982
00:38:02,199 --> 00:38:03,200
Hey!
983
00:38:04,618 --> 00:38:05,786
Fuck! You fascist.
984
00:38:05,953 --> 00:38:07,954
- You want to lose your job?
- You want to lose your teeth?
985
00:38:07,955 --> 00:38:09,664
I'm the producer
of NBC'S Saturday Night
986
00:38:09,665 --> 00:38:11,249
and you just hit a man
with a Tony.
987
00:38:11,250 --> 00:38:13,335
- I've hit plenty of Tony's.
- All right. Hey, that's enough.
988
00:38:13,752 --> 00:38:16,171
Tell your friends,
no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.
989
00:38:16,421 --> 00:38:18,256
- Shove it up your ass.
- Fuck you.
990
00:38:18,257 --> 00:38:19,715
All right.
Keep going with the bricks.
991
00:38:19,716 --> 00:38:21,425
You took that punch
like a champ.
992
00:38:21,426 --> 00:38:22,844
I'm actually not sure
you're supposed
993
00:38:22,845 --> 00:38:24,345
to be pinching
the bottom of the nostrils.
994
00:38:24,346 --> 00:38:25,429
If you pinch a little higher...
995
00:38:25,430 --> 00:38:28,517
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
Am I missing something?
996
00:38:28,684 --> 00:38:30,978
Why are we using real brick?
Can't we just roll out linoleum?
997
00:38:31,144 --> 00:38:33,855
- Hey! Fuck you!
- Okay. Jesus. Just relax.
998
00:38:33,856 --> 00:38:35,773
Dick, our vision for home base
is a street corner...
999
00:38:35,774 --> 00:38:37,733
with all the grit and texture
of New York City.
1000
00:38:37,734 --> 00:38:39,902
Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna
use real blood and vomit, too?
1001
00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:41,028
I'll give you
some real fucking blood.
1002
00:38:41,029 --> 00:38:42,113
Hey, hey, whoa,
no more fighting.
1003
00:38:42,114 --> 00:38:43,447
No more fighting.
He doesn't know.
1004
00:38:43,448 --> 00:38:44,658
He doesn't know. It's okay.
1005
00:38:46,994 --> 00:38:48,662
Why are we stopping?
1006
00:38:54,501 --> 00:38:56,252
- Hello, everybody.
- Andy.
1007
00:38:56,253 --> 00:38:58,171
What are you... You can't keep
wandering off like that.
1008
00:38:58,172 --> 00:38:59,714
I had to go to the bathroom.
1009
00:38:59,715 --> 00:39:00,965
That's very good.
That's very good.
1010
00:39:00,966 --> 00:39:02,049
Lorne...
1011
00:39:02,050 --> 00:39:04,636
- Barbara, what time do you have?
- 10:39.
1012
00:39:04,803 --> 00:39:05,804
Lorne.
1013
00:39:07,222 --> 00:39:08,223
The brick.
1014
00:39:08,682 --> 00:39:09,683
It's...
1015
00:39:14,521 --> 00:39:16,523
It's got its pockets out.
It's workmanlike.
1016
00:39:16,690 --> 00:39:18,066
It's honest.
1017
00:39:18,233 --> 00:39:19,902
Dick, it's critical
for the success of the show.
1018
00:39:20,068 --> 00:39:22,112
Okay, but what is the show?
1019
00:39:27,784 --> 00:39:29,786
I mean, honestly, Dick,
if you don't know by now...
1020
00:39:32,122 --> 00:39:33,624
Chevy Chase.
1021
00:39:34,041 --> 00:39:35,876
Gilda Radner.
1022
00:39:36,335 --> 00:39:37,920
Dan Ayk-a...
1023
00:39:38,086 --> 00:39:40,088
How the fuck
do you pronounce this?
1024
00:39:40,255 --> 00:39:41,256
Aykroyd.
1025
00:39:41,590 --> 00:39:42,674
Dan Aykroyd.
1026
00:39:42,841 --> 00:39:44,218
50 minutes, everybody!
1027
00:39:44,384 --> 00:39:46,094
Laraine Newman.
1028
00:39:46,428 --> 00:39:47,679
You nervous?
1029
00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:50,140
No. No, not really.
1030
00:39:50,307 --> 00:39:51,975
I mean,
I've only got a couple bits.
1031
00:39:52,142 --> 00:39:54,144
The jury thing and a TV host.
1032
00:39:58,023 --> 00:40:02,027
Say, you ever wonder exactly
what it is you are doing here?
1033
00:40:02,903 --> 00:40:04,780
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.
1034
00:40:05,322 --> 00:40:06,323
And what is that?
1035
00:40:06,907 --> 00:40:08,366
Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya,
1036
00:40:08,367 --> 00:40:10,994
I like to give 100%
in everything I do.
1037
00:40:12,079 --> 00:40:14,581
And I like a dish soap
that does that too.
1038
00:40:15,832 --> 00:40:18,836
So alive, so young,
so alluring...
1039
00:40:19,378 --> 00:40:22,005
so exotic, so hypnotic...
1040
00:40:22,464 --> 00:40:23,715
so manipulative...
1041
00:40:24,049 --> 00:40:27,344
so sadistically abusive...
1042
00:40:27,511 --> 00:40:29,596
so cartoonishly abhorrent...
1043
00:40:30,097 --> 00:40:31,556
You see, when it comes
to my skin
1044
00:40:31,557 --> 00:40:33,016
and my sensitive parts...
1045
00:40:33,225 --> 00:40:36,478
I only trust
100% American-made steel wool.
1046
00:40:37,062 --> 00:40:38,480
Strong enough for a man...
1047
00:40:38,647 --> 00:40:41,525
but whimsical and helpless
enough for a woman.
1048
00:40:42,025 --> 00:40:43,902
And don't wait. Act now.
1049
00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:46,321
Act like your very life
depends on it.
1050
00:40:46,488 --> 00:40:48,198
Act like your children's lives
depend on it.
1051
00:40:48,365 --> 00:40:52,661
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.
1052
00:40:54,621 --> 00:40:57,291
Man, what the fuck
was all of that?
1053
00:40:57,457 --> 00:40:58,458
That was my 20s, Garrett.
1054
00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:00,586
And that is exactly
what I'm doing here.
1055
00:41:01,003 --> 00:41:02,004
Well, shit...
1056
00:41:02,171 --> 00:41:05,257
I'm just here
to play the butler...
1057
00:41:05,591 --> 00:41:08,594
the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.
1058
00:41:09,636 --> 00:41:11,305
Think you seem
a little nice for a pimp.
1059
00:41:12,014 --> 00:41:14,057
You're a little pretty
for a comedienne.
1060
00:41:14,308 --> 00:41:16,268
Well, cheers to staying out
of the spotlight.
1061
00:41:17,144 --> 00:41:21,481
Ladies and gentlemen, your host,
George Carlin!
1062
00:41:21,648 --> 00:41:23,942
You can't just let me come out
from behind a goddamn curtain?
1063
00:41:24,109 --> 00:41:26,195
I have to descend
like Norma fuckin' Desmond.
1064
00:41:26,361 --> 00:41:28,488
All right. Fuck you, everyone.
1065
00:41:28,655 --> 00:41:30,657
Fuck you, fuck you.
1066
00:41:30,824 --> 00:41:32,117
I've definitely fucked you.
1067
00:41:32,284 --> 00:41:33,744
- Fuck you.
- Yeah.
1068
00:41:33,911 --> 00:41:35,829
- Fuck you.
- Fuck all of you.
1069
00:41:35,996 --> 00:41:37,080
You have to distract her.
1070
00:41:37,247 --> 00:41:38,373
How?
1071
00:41:38,540 --> 00:41:39,875
With your sparkling wit.
1072
00:41:42,252 --> 00:41:43,336
Excuse me, miss.
1073
00:41:43,337 --> 00:41:45,214
Could you confirm that this is
a normal deck of cards?
1074
00:41:45,380 --> 00:41:46,840
No marks, no folds,
no blemishes?
1075
00:41:47,007 --> 00:41:49,259
- George!
- Yeah. All right.
1076
00:41:50,052 --> 00:41:52,137
Welcome to the show.
I have some musics and laughs.
1077
00:41:52,304 --> 00:41:54,555
I plug the record,
blah-blah-blah.
1078
00:41:54,556 --> 00:41:57,517
Regular old deck, 52 cards.
I am going to make...
1079
00:41:57,518 --> 00:41:59,310
- George, keep going, please.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1080
00:41:59,311 --> 00:42:00,770
You ever look at the crowds
in old movies
1081
00:42:00,771 --> 00:42:02,147
and wonder if they're dead yet?
1082
00:42:02,314 --> 00:42:03,524
Slow, slow, slow!
1083
00:42:05,484 --> 00:42:07,528
Are you fucking kidding me
with this shit?
1084
00:42:07,945 --> 00:42:09,404
And throw to Janis.
1085
00:42:09,821 --> 00:42:10,822
What?
1086
00:42:10,989 --> 00:42:13,325
Yeah, throw it to Janis.
Introduce her, please.
1087
00:42:13,951 --> 00:42:15,994
- Keep going.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
1088
00:42:16,161 --> 00:42:17,454
Janis Ian.
1089
00:42:17,996 --> 00:42:21,917
I learned the truth at 17
1090
00:42:22,084 --> 00:42:26,046
That love was meant
for beauty queens
1091
00:42:27,130 --> 00:42:29,591
And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles
1092
00:42:30,425 --> 00:42:33,554
Who married young
and then retired
1093
00:42:35,305 --> 00:42:36,390
- Mr. Carlin?
- Yeah?
1094
00:42:36,557 --> 00:42:38,892
I am Joan Carbunkle,
NBC standards.
1095
00:42:39,059 --> 00:42:40,727
- I didn't know they had any.
- Joan, he's very busy.
1096
00:42:40,894 --> 00:42:42,271
Just please share your concerns
with me, all right?
1097
00:42:42,437 --> 00:42:44,647
No, no, no. I'd like to hear
her concerns personally,
1098
00:42:44,648 --> 00:42:45,732
if you don't mind.
1099
00:42:45,899 --> 00:42:47,568
I know you have
a propensity for the obscene...
1100
00:42:47,734 --> 00:42:50,404
and a lurid interest
in colorful language.
1101
00:42:50,571 --> 00:42:51,905
- Thank you very much.
- Mr. Carlin...
1102
00:42:52,072 --> 00:42:53,365
you'll be happy to know
that there is...
1103
00:42:54,491 --> 00:42:56,285
one delay button...
1104
00:42:56,451 --> 00:42:58,871
and my finger is on it.
1105
00:43:01,582 --> 00:43:03,584
I'm surprised
you even found the button...
1106
00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:05,210
let alone touched it.
1107
00:43:07,546 --> 00:43:09,047
Is this your eight of diamonds?
1108
00:43:10,549 --> 00:43:13,760
Who called to say
come dance with me
1109
00:43:15,512 --> 00:43:16,513
Are you gonna help?
1110
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,850
I really wish we could,
but we don't do bricks.
1111
00:43:20,017 --> 00:43:21,476
What guild is it
that does the bricks?
1112
00:43:21,643 --> 00:43:22,936
Is that 422?
1113
00:43:23,103 --> 00:43:25,022
No, that's carpenters.
How about 303?
1114
00:43:25,189 --> 00:43:27,191
Nah, that's the pipefitters.
1115
00:43:28,567 --> 00:43:30,194
I don't know
why you're laying brick.
1116
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:31,945
You're gonna be gone
in two weeks.
1117
00:43:32,112 --> 00:43:35,490
A brown-eyed girl
in hand-me-downs
1118
00:43:35,657 --> 00:43:37,951
So, it's gonna be like one of
those 1950s safari flicks.
1119
00:43:38,118 --> 00:43:39,745
You know, the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward.
1120
00:43:39,912 --> 00:43:41,496
That's a prop.
1121
00:43:44,166 --> 00:43:46,292
So, I want you to take
this bowl of potato chips here.
1122
00:43:46,293 --> 00:43:47,460
- Me?
- Yes, you.
1123
00:43:47,461 --> 00:43:48,587
I want you to reach into them.
1124
00:43:48,754 --> 00:43:49,754
Every time I take a step,
1125
00:43:49,755 --> 00:43:50,880
give 'em a little crunch,
all right?
1126
00:43:50,881 --> 00:43:52,758
It's like we're in the safari.
Ready?
1127
00:43:53,133 --> 00:43:54,218
Give it a try.
1128
00:43:59,056 --> 00:44:00,057
Early.
1129
00:44:00,224 --> 00:44:02,017
I just got this job.
1130
00:44:02,851 --> 00:44:04,144
Now we're getting it.
1131
00:44:05,687 --> 00:44:07,523
You piece of shit.
1132
00:44:08,273 --> 00:44:10,317
That was nice. Not bad.
1133
00:44:17,991 --> 00:44:19,243
Don't shoot me.
1134
00:44:22,829 --> 00:44:23,956
I know that noise.
1135
00:44:25,123 --> 00:44:27,042
That's a monkey
being run over by the C-train.
1136
00:44:28,710 --> 00:44:30,087
My archnemesis.
1137
00:44:30,379 --> 00:44:31,505
Here he comes.
1138
00:44:38,387 --> 00:44:40,055
There's no way
they're gonna fit all that show.
1139
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:42,641
You think?
1140
00:44:43,851 --> 00:44:45,853
Yeah, something's got to go.
Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes?
1141
00:44:46,019 --> 00:44:47,062
You're doing great, Billy.
1142
00:44:47,229 --> 00:44:48,981
- That was weird.
- Yep. We're fucked.
1143
00:45:00,158 --> 00:45:02,995
Excuse me, "ociffer,"
have I done somethin' wrong?
1144
00:45:03,954 --> 00:45:05,789
What do we have here?
1145
00:45:05,956 --> 00:45:08,375
Why, that would be my ass.
1146
00:45:11,962 --> 00:45:13,755
Billy Preston's band
hooked it up.
1147
00:45:13,922 --> 00:45:15,507
Medical grade, baby.
1148
00:45:15,674 --> 00:45:17,801
Floats in the bottle
and then you...
1149
00:45:21,346 --> 00:45:22,347
Checks out.
1150
00:45:22,973 --> 00:45:24,141
Medical grade.
1151
00:45:25,475 --> 00:45:27,644
So, tell me how you fit
into this ensemble.
1152
00:45:27,978 --> 00:45:29,479
Is this an ensemble?
1153
00:45:29,938 --> 00:45:32,858
No, we have many talented,
talented improvisers...
1154
00:45:33,025 --> 00:45:34,902
from Chicago and Toronto and...
1155
00:45:35,068 --> 00:45:36,069
And Boston.
1156
00:45:36,236 --> 00:45:38,405
And Boston.
Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston.
1157
00:45:38,572 --> 00:45:39,573
You've met my fiancée?
1158
00:45:40,199 --> 00:45:41,200
Missed a little there.
1159
00:45:42,367 --> 00:45:43,493
But to answer your question...
1160
00:45:43,660 --> 00:45:45,704
- While I've got you captive.
- They want to shave me.
1161
00:45:45,871 --> 00:45:47,706
Careful. There's no jaw
under that beard,
1162
00:45:47,873 --> 00:45:48,957
just 10 pounds of neck.
1163
00:45:49,124 --> 00:45:50,292
Chevy.
1164
00:45:52,044 --> 00:45:55,005
Jesus Christ, you psycho,
you son of a bitch!
1165
00:45:55,380 --> 00:45:57,132
Shove it up your fucking ass!
1166
00:45:58,592 --> 00:46:00,761
Hey, hey, hey, stop right now!
1167
00:46:01,637 --> 00:46:04,848
Guys! Goddamn it!
Stop! Stop! Chevy, out!
1168
00:46:05,015 --> 00:46:06,975
- Don't feed coke to the animals!
- Out! Chev!
1169
00:46:08,310 --> 00:46:10,187
Take a seat.
1170
00:46:11,772 --> 00:46:12,773
Yeah.
1171
00:46:12,940 --> 00:46:14,316
You okay, John?
1172
00:46:14,483 --> 00:46:15,526
So, we're throwing things now?
1173
00:46:15,692 --> 00:46:16,860
He started it.
1174
00:46:17,319 --> 00:46:18,529
It's just a shave, John.
1175
00:46:18,695 --> 00:46:20,197
So, NBC owns my fucking face?
1176
00:46:20,364 --> 00:46:21,406
- No.
- Yeah, a little bit.
1177
00:46:21,573 --> 00:46:23,283
But would Jimi Hendrix play
in mittens?
1178
00:46:23,450 --> 00:46:24,618
That's a good point.
1179
00:46:25,827 --> 00:46:28,079
John, you're going to go down
as one of the giants
1180
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:29,247
of character expressionism...
1181
00:46:29,248 --> 00:46:30,791
from Chaplin to Brando.
1182
00:46:30,958 --> 00:46:31,959
Belushi...
1183
00:46:32,376 --> 00:46:33,377
Why hide your gift?
1184
00:46:33,544 --> 00:46:35,003
Beards are for pussies.
1185
00:46:36,421 --> 00:46:37,631
And the bees are bullshit.
1186
00:46:37,798 --> 00:46:38,966
You think I don't know that?
Of course, they are.
1187
00:46:39,132 --> 00:46:40,801
They're stupid,
they're postmodern...
1188
00:46:40,968 --> 00:46:43,303
they're Warhol, they're iconic,
they're Sergeant Pepper.
1189
00:46:43,470 --> 00:46:45,138
- So well said.
- I'm glad you get it.
1190
00:46:46,306 --> 00:46:47,307
John...
1191
00:46:47,474 --> 00:46:48,725
we go live in less than an hour.
1192
00:46:48,892 --> 00:46:50,102
45 minutes.
1193
00:46:54,022 --> 00:46:55,941
I need you
to sign your contract.
1194
00:47:04,491 --> 00:47:05,492
Yeah.
1195
00:47:06,785 --> 00:47:07,786
What?
1196
00:47:07,953 --> 00:47:08,954
What's happening?
1197
00:47:09,371 --> 00:47:10,622
What happened to the music?
1198
00:47:11,832 --> 00:47:13,584
Hey! Why did you stop playing?
1199
00:47:13,750 --> 00:47:15,085
The speakers went out.
1200
00:47:15,460 --> 00:47:16,461
- All of them?
- All of them.
1201
00:47:16,628 --> 00:47:18,297
What the hell is happening?
What... Dick?
1202
00:47:18,463 --> 00:47:20,340
I'm on with the outfit
that supplied speakers at...
1203
00:47:20,507 --> 00:47:21,508
- Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza.
- Toscanini!
1204
00:47:21,675 --> 00:47:23,844
Height of audio fidelity!
What can we be doing?
1205
00:47:24,011 --> 00:47:25,345
Yeah, what can we be doing?
1206
00:47:25,512 --> 00:47:26,722
We got no sound.
1207
00:47:26,889 --> 00:47:29,725
Idiot on the light board,
and we go live in 45.
1208
00:47:30,142 --> 00:47:31,435
What do you want to rehearse?
1209
00:47:34,479 --> 00:47:35,563
We could pull up...
1210
00:47:35,564 --> 00:47:36,647
Weekend Update?
1211
00:47:36,648 --> 00:47:38,316
Do you want
to do Weekend Update? Yeah.
1212
00:47:38,317 --> 00:47:40,152
All right, everyone,
we're moving to Weekend Update.
1213
00:47:40,319 --> 00:47:42,654
- Okay, great, great.
- Don, stand by for your intro.
1214
00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:45,991
Here we go. Move it, people.
1215
00:47:56,877 --> 00:47:58,003
Let's go. Let's go.
1216
00:47:58,504 --> 00:47:59,505
I'm good. Fine.
1217
00:48:03,008 --> 00:48:06,261
From Saturday Night News
headquarters.
1218
00:48:06,428 --> 00:48:08,347
This is Weekend Update...
1219
00:48:08,514 --> 00:48:10,474
with Lorne Michaels.
1220
00:48:18,482 --> 00:48:19,983
Our top story tonight...
1221
00:48:20,150 --> 00:48:21,193
some world news.
1222
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:23,569
Japanese Emperor Hirohito
met Mickey Mouse
1223
00:48:23,570 --> 00:48:24,988
at Disneyland this week.
1224
00:48:25,155 --> 00:48:28,242
The emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.
1225
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:34,081
How was that?
1226
00:48:34,248 --> 00:48:35,332
It was horrible.
1227
00:48:36,291 --> 00:48:37,292
Right.
1228
00:48:39,545 --> 00:48:42,589
And now with a weather report...
1229
00:48:42,756 --> 00:48:45,968
we turn it over
to meteorologist John Belushi.
1230
00:48:46,134 --> 00:48:47,761
What's it looking like
out there, John?
1231
00:48:47,928 --> 00:48:49,220
Thank you, Lorne.
1232
00:48:49,221 --> 00:48:50,471
It's often said,
1233
00:48:50,472 --> 00:48:53,684
"March comes in like a lion
and goes out like a lamb."
1234
00:48:53,892 --> 00:48:56,436
But did you know March behaves
differently in other countries?
1235
00:48:57,020 --> 00:48:58,312
In Norway, for example,
1236
00:48:58,313 --> 00:49:01,233
March comes in like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.
1237
00:49:01,650 --> 00:49:03,610
Or consider
the Republic of South Africa...
1238
00:49:03,777 --> 00:49:05,236
where March comes in like a lion
1239
00:49:05,237 --> 00:49:06,572
and goes out
like a different lion.
1240
00:49:06,738 --> 00:49:08,155
Like one has a mane
1241
00:49:08,156 --> 00:49:10,284
and the other
doesn't have a mane.
1242
00:49:10,450 --> 00:49:13,245
And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo...
1243
00:49:13,412 --> 00:49:14,913
and stays a kangaroo
for a while.
1244
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:16,123
Australia.
1245
00:49:16,290 --> 00:49:18,125
Then for a couple of days,
it's sort of a cross between...
1246
00:49:18,292 --> 00:49:20,377
a frilled lizard
and a common house cat.
1247
00:49:20,794 --> 00:49:23,213
Then it changes back
into a smaller kangaroo...
1248
00:49:23,380 --> 00:49:25,507
and then it goes out
like a wild dingo!
1249
00:49:25,757 --> 00:49:27,301
No, no, and it's not Australia!
1250
00:49:27,634 --> 00:49:29,636
You'd think it'd be Australia,
but it's not!
1251
00:49:31,013 --> 00:49:32,847
And there are
nine different countries...
1252
00:49:32,848 --> 00:49:34,473
where March comes in like a frog
1253
00:49:34,474 --> 00:49:36,350
and goes out
like a golden retriever.
1254
00:49:36,351 --> 00:49:38,145
But that's not the weird part.
No, no, no.
1255
00:49:38,312 --> 00:49:40,480
The weird part is the frog.
The frog.
1256
00:49:40,647 --> 00:49:41,773
The weird part is the...
1257
00:49:45,694 --> 00:49:46,695
Okay.
1258
00:49:47,863 --> 00:49:48,864
John.
1259
00:49:50,324 --> 00:49:51,950
Are you all right? Are you okay?
1260
00:49:52,367 --> 00:49:53,368
I give in.
1261
00:49:53,869 --> 00:49:54,870
That was brilliant.
1262
00:49:55,037 --> 00:49:57,080
Now I need you
to sign your contract.
1263
00:50:00,626 --> 00:50:01,960
- Was that a yes?
- That was a yes.
1264
00:50:02,127 --> 00:50:03,670
- Was that a yes? Okay.
- That was a yes.
1265
00:50:03,837 --> 00:50:05,130
- Neil, can I get the contract?
- Yeah.
1266
00:50:06,006 --> 00:50:07,382
Okay. Do you have a pen?
1267
00:50:08,133 --> 00:50:09,175
Lorne, Lorne, Lorne,
1268
00:50:09,176 --> 00:50:11,178
there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office.
1269
00:50:12,012 --> 00:50:13,222
Burbank?
1270
00:50:13,388 --> 00:50:14,389
Carson.
1271
00:50:14,932 --> 00:50:16,600
Okay. Someone get him a pen.
1272
00:50:16,767 --> 00:50:18,227
Don't let him use it as a straw.
1273
00:50:18,852 --> 00:50:21,146
Rehearse something. Anything.
1274
00:50:21,313 --> 00:50:23,440
All right,
Bee Hospital stage left.
1275
00:50:23,607 --> 00:50:25,150
Let's go. We're moving.
Here we go.
1276
00:50:26,235 --> 00:50:27,861
- Great work, guys.
- Excuse me.
1277
00:50:28,028 --> 00:50:29,987
Hey, Mr. Michaels.
1278
00:50:29,988 --> 00:50:31,239
- Mr. Henson.
- Hey.
1279
00:50:31,240 --> 00:50:33,533
I'm excited to see what you
and your merry band of creatures
1280
00:50:33,534 --> 00:50:34,951
have in store for us tonight.
1281
00:50:34,952 --> 00:50:37,453
Well, Lorne, we don't have
any script pages yet...
1282
00:50:37,454 --> 00:50:40,248
so, the Muppets
are flyin' blind here.
1283
00:50:40,249 --> 00:50:41,666
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of it.
1284
00:50:41,667 --> 00:50:42,959
Neil, Jim needs his pages.
1285
00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:45,087
Thank you. Thank you.
And please, sorry, Lorne...
1286
00:50:46,004 --> 00:50:48,048
can you please
remind your crew...
1287
00:50:48,215 --> 00:50:51,844
not to leave the Muppets
in compromising positions?
1288
00:50:53,303 --> 00:50:54,805
That doesn't sound like them.
1289
00:50:55,180 --> 00:50:57,266
Well, they left a note.
1290
00:50:58,016 --> 00:50:59,017
They didn't.
1291
00:50:59,184 --> 00:51:00,185
They did.
1292
00:51:00,769 --> 00:51:01,770
It said...
1293
00:51:04,481 --> 00:51:06,650
"Fuck-Rags for rent."
1294
00:51:08,068 --> 00:51:09,069
Okay?
1295
00:51:09,236 --> 00:51:10,904
I know what that means, so...
1296
00:51:11,947 --> 00:51:13,615
I'll talk to Michael.
Immediately.
1297
00:51:13,782 --> 00:51:14,867
Thank you.
1298
00:51:17,619 --> 00:51:18,620
All right. Thank you.
1299
00:51:19,746 --> 00:51:20,831
Hey, Bernie.
1300
00:51:20,998 --> 00:51:22,165
No, you're good.
1301
00:51:28,046 --> 00:51:29,298
Hello, this is Lorne.
1302
00:51:29,590 --> 00:51:31,925
I was beginning to think
you didn't like me.
1303
00:51:32,092 --> 00:51:33,342
Of course not, Mr. Carson.
1304
00:51:33,343 --> 00:51:35,137
You're the voice
of a generation.
1305
00:51:35,304 --> 00:51:37,430
I just wanted
to reach out and say,
1306
00:51:37,431 --> 00:51:38,640
"Good luck tonight."
1307
00:51:38,807 --> 00:51:40,017
That's very kind.
1308
00:51:40,184 --> 00:51:41,852
And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure...
1309
00:51:42,019 --> 00:51:44,855
we don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.
1310
00:51:45,022 --> 00:51:46,022
Right.
1311
00:51:46,023 --> 00:51:47,273
You know how this all started,
don't you?
1312
00:51:47,274 --> 00:51:48,358
Just sign it, John.
1313
00:51:49,234 --> 00:51:50,444
Just sign it, John.
1314
00:51:50,611 --> 00:51:52,154
With a kite and a key, I'm sure.
1315
00:51:52,321 --> 00:51:53,822
Don't be a dipshit
for a second, kid.
1316
00:51:54,323 --> 00:51:55,531
I'm sure you've heard by now
1317
00:51:55,532 --> 00:51:57,534
that Mommy and Daddy
are fighting...
1318
00:51:57,701 --> 00:52:00,453
and that's why you got
the house to yourself tonight.
1319
00:52:00,454 --> 00:52:01,913
Frankly, it's the only reason
1320
00:52:01,914 --> 00:52:04,666
they ever greenlight
your little talent show.
1321
00:52:05,375 --> 00:52:07,336
Look, these things
always go the same way.
1322
00:52:07,669 --> 00:52:09,922
First, they try to fuck you,
and then they buy you dinner.
1323
00:52:10,464 --> 00:52:12,256
I'm not opposed
to Saturday Night...
1324
00:52:12,257 --> 00:52:13,674
even if it is
a dumping ground...
1325
00:52:13,675 --> 00:52:14,759
No. No.
1326
00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:16,761
...for the deadbeats
and bagheads.
1327
00:52:16,762 --> 00:52:18,305
- Dick, no.
- In the meantime, you get to...
1328
00:52:18,472 --> 00:52:19,722
play dress-up
on national television.
1329
00:52:19,723 --> 00:52:20,848
Don't let him hold the camera.
1330
00:52:20,849 --> 00:52:21,934
Good for you.
1331
00:52:22,351 --> 00:52:24,061
So, here's some friendly advice.
1332
00:52:24,895 --> 00:52:26,188
Enjoy your little show...
1333
00:52:26,355 --> 00:52:27,898
but don't get too comfortable.
1334
00:52:28,565 --> 00:52:30,734
You're a benchwarmer,
a stalking horse.
1335
00:52:30,901 --> 00:52:33,654
It's my fucking network.
It's my fucking night.
1336
00:52:34,947 --> 00:52:35,948
No hard feelings, though.
1337
00:52:36,114 --> 00:52:38,116
Fuck the bees
and fuck this show!
1338
00:52:38,283 --> 00:52:39,868
John. Hey, where are you going?
1339
00:52:40,035 --> 00:52:41,411
I go where I'm kicked!
1340
00:52:41,787 --> 00:52:43,747
Heard you are
a halfway decent writer.
1341
00:52:44,665 --> 00:52:46,166
Send me some samples sometime.
1342
00:52:46,333 --> 00:52:47,793
We're always looking
for a bunch of 'em.
1343
00:52:49,837 --> 00:52:50,921
How'd the call go?
1344
00:52:51,088 --> 00:52:52,422
Tremendous.
Thank you for asking.
1345
00:52:52,589 --> 00:52:54,424
- Great.
- Belushi walked.
1346
00:52:54,591 --> 00:52:56,468
- What? He quit?
- No, well, technically...
1347
00:52:56,635 --> 00:52:58,428
he would need a fucking job
to quit! But, yes, he walked.
1348
00:52:58,595 --> 00:53:00,055
We need to find him.
I'll take the eighth floor.
1349
00:53:00,222 --> 00:53:01,640
You take the ninth, okay?
1350
00:53:02,015 --> 00:53:03,016
Okay.
1351
00:53:04,309 --> 00:53:05,685
Hey, have you seen John Belushi?
1352
00:53:05,686 --> 00:53:06,770
No.
1353
00:53:08,355 --> 00:53:09,606
There's a reason
they call it master control.
1354
00:53:09,773 --> 00:53:10,774
Sorry, Jim,
have you seen John Belushi?
1355
00:53:10,941 --> 00:53:13,235
You want to hand the airwaves
over to that maniac?
1356
00:53:13,402 --> 00:53:15,821
- Have you seen Belushi?
- I'm not an animal wrangler.
1357
00:53:16,363 --> 00:53:17,364
Belushi? Belushi?
1358
00:53:17,531 --> 00:53:18,699
- Belushi?
- Belushi?
1359
00:53:18,866 --> 00:53:20,200
- Belushi?
- Belushi?
1360
00:53:20,367 --> 00:53:23,078
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi? John?
1361
00:53:28,333 --> 00:53:29,584
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.
1362
00:53:29,585 --> 00:53:31,420
Have you seen
John Belushi anywhere?
1363
00:53:32,004 --> 00:53:34,088
Yeah, sure. He was hangin' out
with us yesterday.
1364
00:53:34,089 --> 00:53:35,257
Right, Howard?
1365
00:53:35,424 --> 00:53:36,925
No, sorry. I meant
in the last few minutes.
1366
00:53:37,092 --> 00:53:38,260
- Did he...
- No.
1367
00:53:39,469 --> 00:53:41,180
Well, you seem stressed.
You okay, buddy?
1368
00:53:41,346 --> 00:53:43,265
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You need a hit?
1369
00:53:44,766 --> 00:53:46,977
No, no, no, that's fine.
That's okay.
1370
00:53:48,103 --> 00:53:49,188
I think it'd help.
1371
00:53:50,564 --> 00:53:51,565
That makes sense.
1372
00:53:54,276 --> 00:53:55,277
There we go.
1373
00:53:58,488 --> 00:53:59,823
Look at him.
1374
00:53:59,990 --> 00:54:01,867
Attaboy.
1375
00:54:02,034 --> 00:54:03,827
Good luck on your quest, amigo.
1376
00:54:07,289 --> 00:54:09,082
Have you seen John Belushi?
1377
00:54:09,791 --> 00:54:10,959
Have you guys seen John?
1378
00:54:11,126 --> 00:54:13,629
Neil, who do you think I am?
1379
00:54:14,338 --> 00:54:15,631
Human bumblebee.
1380
00:54:15,797 --> 00:54:17,174
No, man. I am talking about...
1381
00:54:17,341 --> 00:54:20,344
what is my identity on the show?
1382
00:54:20,511 --> 00:54:21,929
Don't ask me that right now.
1383
00:54:22,846 --> 00:54:24,806
I can't answer that right now.
1384
00:54:29,728 --> 00:54:31,230
What the hell are you doing?
1385
00:54:34,316 --> 00:54:35,317
Thank you.
1386
00:54:39,863 --> 00:54:41,114
Has anybody seen John?
1387
00:54:41,281 --> 00:54:43,283
- I'm John.
- I'm John.
1388
00:54:43,450 --> 00:54:44,451
- No. No.
- I'm John.
1389
00:54:44,618 --> 00:54:46,286
- I'm John.
- No. No.
1390
00:54:46,453 --> 00:54:48,205
- I'm John.
- I'm John.
1391
00:54:48,372 --> 00:54:49,373
Hold this, please.
1392
00:54:53,043 --> 00:54:54,043
One of them is mine.
1393
00:54:54,044 --> 00:54:55,211
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi?
1394
00:54:55,212 --> 00:54:56,921
Hey, you're... Kid, why are you
holding your face like that?
1395
00:54:56,922 --> 00:54:58,506
- Why are you shouting?
- Sweetie, are you okay?
1396
00:54:58,507 --> 00:55:01,635
I don't know.
I can hear my own blood.
1397
00:55:02,553 --> 00:55:03,554
Am I gonna be okay?
1398
00:55:03,720 --> 00:55:05,722
Don't ask her.
She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid.
1399
00:55:05,889 --> 00:55:07,349
I know that!
1400
00:55:07,850 --> 00:55:09,643
- Look, should I be worried?
- About Neil?
1401
00:55:09,810 --> 00:55:11,144
No. Fuck Neil. About my act.
1402
00:55:11,311 --> 00:55:13,355
I can't get a straight answer
out of Lorne.
1403
00:55:13,522 --> 00:55:15,858
Billy, you're family.
1404
00:55:17,192 --> 00:55:18,277
- Neil...
- Neil...
1405
00:55:21,947 --> 00:55:23,574
This week on The Rumpus Hour.
1406
00:55:23,740 --> 00:55:25,116
Tony Orlando and Dawn,
1407
00:55:25,117 --> 00:55:27,243
Shields and Yarnell,
the Domingo Brothers...
1408
00:55:27,244 --> 00:55:29,871
and your favorite juggling
barbershop quartet,
1409
00:55:29,872 --> 00:55:31,205
Macho Quatro.
1410
00:55:31,206 --> 00:55:33,750
{\an8}Lorne. You know Milton Berle?
1411
00:55:33,917 --> 00:55:36,628
Absolutely. Big fan.
I grew up on your work.
1412
00:55:36,795 --> 00:55:38,338
Who didn't?
Hear it's your big night.
1413
00:55:38,505 --> 00:55:40,591
Planning on it.
How's it all coming?
1414
00:55:41,300 --> 00:55:42,759
Just perfect.
1415
00:55:42,926 --> 00:55:44,636
- You never hear that.
- You certainly don't.
1416
00:55:45,888 --> 00:55:48,599
Yep. Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories, I'm sure.
1417
00:55:48,765 --> 00:55:49,933
Sure, sure. Yeah.
1418
00:55:50,100 --> 00:55:52,144
Used to call this
the RCA Radio Tower.
1419
00:55:52,311 --> 00:55:53,936
Radio, that wonderful invention
1420
00:55:53,937 --> 00:55:55,606
by which I could reach
a million people.
1421
00:55:55,772 --> 00:55:57,524
Who fortunately
couldn't reach me.
1422
00:55:57,691 --> 00:56:01,862
You know, Milt's TV show
once pulled a 97 share.
1423
00:56:02,029 --> 00:56:06,325
97% of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.
1424
00:56:06,491 --> 00:56:08,493
Do you ever miss
being Mr. Television?
1425
00:56:09,828 --> 00:56:11,246
What is he talking about?
1426
00:56:11,413 --> 00:56:12,414
Lorne...
1427
00:56:12,581 --> 00:56:14,957
Milton remains
one of the Peacock's
1428
00:56:14,958 --> 00:56:16,585
most colorful feathers.
1429
00:56:16,752 --> 00:56:18,378
- It's quite a feather.
- Of course, of course.
1430
00:56:18,545 --> 00:56:20,589
And I'm looking forward
to hosting your show.
1431
00:56:21,298 --> 00:56:23,091
Well, we'd be honored.
1432
00:56:23,383 --> 00:56:25,093
I think there's still so many
decisions we'd have to make.
1433
00:56:25,260 --> 00:56:26,386
I'm hearing episode five.
1434
00:56:26,553 --> 00:56:29,640
The boys upstairs love it
and the affiliates ate it up.
1435
00:56:29,806 --> 00:56:30,974
Well, they're the real boss.
1436
00:56:31,141 --> 00:56:34,353
Right. Well, it is a late show.
Are you suited for midnight?
1437
00:56:35,604 --> 00:56:38,315
At 67, I still feel like
a 20-year-old.
1438
00:56:38,482 --> 00:56:40,400
Unfortunately,
there's never one around.
1439
00:56:40,943 --> 00:56:42,069
Your reputation precedes you.
1440
00:56:42,236 --> 00:56:44,947
Yeah, by about 11 inches.
Excuse me a second.
1441
00:56:47,491 --> 00:56:49,159
Any sign of Belushi?
1442
00:56:49,785 --> 00:56:50,827
John?
1443
00:56:50,994 --> 00:56:52,412
I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?
1444
00:56:52,579 --> 00:56:54,623
Legal is frantic
for his paperwork.
1445
00:56:54,790 --> 00:56:55,916
That's strange.
I'll look into it.
1446
00:56:56,083 --> 00:56:57,543
Lorne, I can only imagine...
1447
00:56:57,709 --> 00:56:59,294
what must be running
through your mind.
1448
00:56:59,461 --> 00:57:01,797
The thought,
no matter how improbable...
1449
00:57:01,964 --> 00:57:03,632
that you might
not make it to air.
1450
00:57:03,799 --> 00:57:05,634
- Hadn't even occurred to me.
- Really?
1451
00:57:05,801 --> 00:57:08,846
I heard that you were having
some technical difficulties.
1452
00:57:09,012 --> 00:57:10,013
None that I know of.
1453
00:57:10,514 --> 00:57:11,515
What the fuck?
1454
00:57:11,682 --> 00:57:12,766
I just heard that...
1455
00:57:12,933 --> 00:57:14,518
your writers were stoned...
1456
00:57:14,685 --> 00:57:16,687
your actors were physically
assaulting each other.
1457
00:57:17,688 --> 00:57:18,772
The sound system was down.
1458
00:57:18,939 --> 00:57:20,065
What the hell
is happening? What...
1459
00:57:20,232 --> 00:57:21,567
And a fire broke out earlier.
1460
00:57:24,903 --> 00:57:27,614
I've been doing this job
a long time. I've seen it all.
1461
00:57:29,575 --> 00:57:31,785
I'm sure you have it
all under control.
1462
00:57:33,370 --> 00:57:35,163
Minor issues, already addressed.
1463
00:57:35,706 --> 00:57:36,707
That's reassuring.
1464
00:57:36,874 --> 00:57:39,168
This whole conversation
is a soothing shower of relief.
1465
00:57:39,334 --> 00:57:41,003
Hey, good, good. Look.
1466
00:57:41,170 --> 00:57:43,589
If for some reason
you can't lock your script...
1467
00:57:44,590 --> 00:57:47,426
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts...
1468
00:57:47,593 --> 00:57:48,844
rest assured...
1469
00:57:49,344 --> 00:57:52,181
the country will be
happy to watch Johnny Carson.
1470
00:57:53,557 --> 00:57:56,059
Well, we could always play
the tape of dress rehearsal.
1471
00:57:56,226 --> 00:57:57,895
Worst-case scenario.
1472
00:57:59,146 --> 00:58:00,564
That's not the worst case.
1473
00:58:17,122 --> 00:58:19,166
Fuck me. That's a lot of cards.
1474
00:58:19,750 --> 00:58:21,877
Yeah. What's the fastest you can
do your set? Top to bottom.
1475
00:58:22,044 --> 00:58:23,212
- Five minutes.
- Yeah, me too.
1476
00:58:23,378 --> 00:58:24,838
- Could you do it in four?
- Probably.
1477
00:58:25,005 --> 00:58:26,006
Yeah, me too.
1478
00:58:27,799 --> 00:58:29,551
So, look,
they're gonna offer us three...
1479
00:58:30,135 --> 00:58:31,720
but we got to draw the line
at four. All right?
1480
00:58:32,471 --> 00:58:34,598
Okay. I want to do the show.
1481
00:58:34,765 --> 00:58:36,558
Yeah, we're doing the show.
We just can't get jerked around.
1482
00:58:36,725 --> 00:58:37,726
- That's all.
- But we're doing the show?
1483
00:58:37,893 --> 00:58:39,352
Of course, we're doing the show.
We just got to be
1484
00:58:39,353 --> 00:58:40,979
- in this together.
- Okay.
1485
00:58:42,648 --> 00:58:43,774
Neil, sweetie.
1486
00:58:43,941 --> 00:58:45,567
- Is everything okay in there?
- Hello?
1487
00:58:45,734 --> 00:58:47,986
Special delivery for Neil Levy.
Flowers.
1488
00:58:48,153 --> 00:58:49,404
- Candygram.
- What's with the convention?
1489
00:58:49,571 --> 00:58:51,156
Neil, it's your mother.
Open the door!
1490
00:58:51,323 --> 00:58:53,700
Don't say that. He's gonna
believe you if you say that.
1491
00:58:53,867 --> 00:58:56,245
Hey, Neil. Buddy.
You freaking out in there?
1492
00:58:56,411 --> 00:58:58,455
I took a hit
in the departure lounge.
1493
00:58:58,622 --> 00:59:00,249
All right. Whose grass was it?
1494
00:59:00,415 --> 00:59:01,834
One of the horn players.
1495
00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:03,085
Degenerates.
1496
00:59:03,252 --> 00:59:04,919
That's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.
1497
00:59:04,920 --> 00:59:06,629
What you smoked
was a sacred strain from...
1498
00:59:06,630 --> 00:59:08,130
the Isaan plateau in Thailand,
I believe.
1499
00:59:08,131 --> 00:59:09,215
The best plateau.
1500
00:59:09,216 --> 00:59:10,299
Make no mistake about it,
1501
00:59:10,300 --> 00:59:12,009
that stick's probably stronger
than a bull elephant.
1502
00:59:12,010 --> 00:59:14,470
But, listen, we're all a little
freaked out so...
1503
00:59:14,471 --> 00:59:15,596
- I'm freaked out.
- Why don't you come out...
1504
00:59:15,597 --> 00:59:17,056
and we can check on your face...
1505
00:59:17,057 --> 00:59:18,307
make sure it's not
inside out, okay?
1506
00:59:18,308 --> 00:59:19,934
- Come on, Neil.
- Show us your face, Neil!
1507
00:59:19,935 --> 00:59:21,310
Come on, there's nothing
to be afraid of.
1508
00:59:21,311 --> 00:59:23,188
- Come on.
- Come on out, Neil.
1509
00:59:24,481 --> 00:59:25,482
Oh, God!
1510
00:59:26,900 --> 00:59:28,776
No. I'm just kidding. Look.
You're gonna be fine.
1511
00:59:28,777 --> 00:59:30,111
We'll fix you up
with some amphetamines.
1512
00:59:30,112 --> 00:59:31,195
You'll be fit as a flea.
1513
00:59:31,196 --> 00:59:33,030
You might even like the stuff.
Cocaine.
1514
00:59:33,031 --> 00:59:34,407
Robert Louis Stevenson
actually did
1515
00:59:34,408 --> 00:59:35,575
some of his best writing
on the nose candy.
1516
00:59:35,576 --> 00:59:37,411
- Bobby.
- Not a lot of people know that.
1517
00:59:37,578 --> 00:59:38,744
Yeah, he was a big freak...
1518
00:59:38,745 --> 00:59:39,829
- for the Peruvian Lady.
- Hey!
1519
00:59:39,830 --> 00:59:40,913
We need everyone in togas!
1520
00:59:40,914 --> 00:59:42,791
Everyone down
to the eighth floor now!
1521
00:59:47,004 --> 00:59:48,338
I'm not in a toga!
1522
01:00:02,477 --> 01:00:05,147
Okay, okay.
But why are we yelling?
1523
01:00:07,733 --> 01:00:10,110
Rocky, there's no way these kids
are gonna hit their marks.
1524
01:00:10,277 --> 01:00:12,946
So you better be wide enough
to catch 'em all. We got that?
1525
01:00:13,113 --> 01:00:15,199
Hey, did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?
1526
01:00:17,576 --> 01:00:19,703
She was of two minds...
1527
01:00:23,207 --> 01:00:24,833
What is this? Why are you
cueing up Carson? Who is that?
1528
01:00:25,584 --> 01:00:26,919
I think that's Tony Curtis.
1529
01:00:27,085 --> 01:00:29,338
That's pretty normal right
before a live show, right, Dave?
1530
01:00:29,505 --> 01:00:31,465
Yeah. If anything goes wrong,
we bump to tape.
1531
01:00:31,632 --> 01:00:32,758
- See?
- Right.
1532
01:00:32,925 --> 01:00:34,593
Lorne! Lorne.
We found a lighting director.
1533
01:00:34,927 --> 01:00:35,928
Great. Go get him.
1534
01:00:36,094 --> 01:00:37,637
No, he's lighting
a show right now.
1535
01:00:37,638 --> 01:00:39,014
This will take some massaging.
1536
01:00:39,181 --> 01:00:40,182
We don't have...
1537
01:00:42,100 --> 01:00:43,101
What floor?
1538
01:00:44,019 --> 01:00:46,522
It's down on the sixth floor.
Some variety show.
1539
01:00:46,688 --> 01:00:47,898
And he knows I'm coming?
1540
01:00:49,858 --> 01:00:52,236
- Say, Lorne. This a bad time?
- Perfect time, Garrett.
1541
01:00:52,402 --> 01:00:53,904
Okay, I've been thinkin'.
1542
01:00:54,071 --> 01:00:56,114
Why did you hire me?
1543
01:00:56,281 --> 01:00:57,323
You were cheap.
1544
01:00:57,324 --> 01:00:58,408
Really?
1545
01:00:58,575 --> 01:01:00,118
I'm being ironical, Garrett.
1546
01:01:00,953 --> 01:01:01,954
The fuck?
1547
01:01:06,208 --> 01:01:07,209
Hey, Garrett.
1548
01:01:07,835 --> 01:01:08,836
What's wrong?
1549
01:01:09,920 --> 01:01:11,296
Nothin'. I'm just...
1550
01:01:12,256 --> 01:01:14,340
Just trying to figure out
exactly what it is
1551
01:01:14,341 --> 01:01:15,551
I am doing here.
1552
01:01:15,717 --> 01:01:16,969
Aw, what do you mean?
1553
01:01:17,386 --> 01:01:18,637
You know...
1554
01:01:18,804 --> 01:01:21,515
I just can't help but feeling
a little bit like an outsider.
1555
01:01:21,682 --> 01:01:23,100
Because you're so much older?
1556
01:01:23,267 --> 01:01:24,268
What?
1557
01:01:25,102 --> 01:01:27,271
I went to Juilliard.
1558
01:01:27,688 --> 01:01:29,648
I've been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.
1559
01:01:29,815 --> 01:01:33,402
Man, they got me buzzin' around
here in a goddamn bee suit...
1560
01:01:33,569 --> 01:01:35,445
and wavin' a gun around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.
1561
01:01:35,612 --> 01:01:37,656
These are not my strengths, man.
1562
01:01:37,823 --> 01:01:39,783
I am being under-utilized...
1563
01:01:39,950 --> 01:01:41,076
which makes me ponder...
1564
01:01:41,243 --> 01:01:43,245
what am I doing here?
1565
01:01:43,996 --> 01:01:45,247
You know how many operas
I've done?
1566
01:01:45,622 --> 01:01:47,082
- I have no idea, Garrett.
- Shit...
1567
01:01:47,249 --> 01:01:48,750
while Danny and Laraine
were eatin' Froot Loops...
1568
01:01:48,917 --> 01:01:53,630
I was performing
La Traviata in Italian.
1569
01:01:53,797 --> 01:01:54,798
Ya dig?
1570
01:01:54,965 --> 01:01:57,176
Of course, I dig, Garrett.
1571
01:01:59,803 --> 01:02:02,222
But no one is saying
you can't sing on the show.
1572
01:02:02,389 --> 01:02:03,390
Right?
1573
01:02:10,147 --> 01:02:11,190
Where's the Rumpus room?
1574
01:02:11,356 --> 01:02:13,901
Down on the right
1575
01:02:17,279 --> 01:02:18,280
Pardon me.
1576
01:02:26,205 --> 01:02:28,457
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- And three, two...
1577
01:02:36,632 --> 01:02:40,219
And we...
Seven, eight, and blocking!
1578
01:02:41,595 --> 01:02:44,681
Five, six... Uh-oh!
1579
01:02:45,265 --> 01:02:46,266
Smile!
1580
01:03:31,770 --> 01:03:33,981
Hey! You little fucker.
1581
01:03:34,565 --> 01:03:36,108
Get your head out of your ass.
1582
01:03:36,275 --> 01:03:39,194
Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter, Carl.
1583
01:03:40,112 --> 01:03:41,113
Carl?
1584
01:03:41,780 --> 01:03:42,906
I have a job offer.
1585
01:03:43,490 --> 01:03:45,993
Comes with no guarantees,
no perks, and no weekends.
1586
01:03:47,536 --> 01:03:48,537
How's the pay?
1587
01:03:50,289 --> 01:03:51,540
That's the worst part.
1588
01:03:56,086 --> 01:03:57,087
What the fuck?
1589
01:03:57,254 --> 01:03:58,297
- When do you start?
- Right now.
1590
01:03:58,463 --> 01:04:01,383
Send me a postcard from
the gutter, you little shit.
1591
01:04:13,228 --> 01:04:14,313
Rosie, you seen Jackie?
1592
01:04:14,479 --> 01:04:15,856
No. Sorry.
1593
01:04:16,023 --> 01:04:17,566
Knock, knock.
1594
01:04:18,108 --> 01:04:20,235
- Hi.
- Hi, stud. Can I see?
1595
01:04:20,402 --> 01:04:21,778
Can you get Chevy
to do this one?
1596
01:04:21,945 --> 01:04:23,989
No way. You look so sexy.
1597
01:04:24,156 --> 01:04:26,450
Hey. These can't be
the right size.
1598
01:04:26,617 --> 01:04:28,827
Yeah, you're right. They should
be a little bit smaller.
1599
01:04:29,703 --> 01:04:31,121
This feels like
it's a lot of leg.
1600
01:04:31,288 --> 01:04:32,581
You kidding, hot stuff?
1601
01:04:32,748 --> 01:04:33,915
You're gonna melt
every TV in America.
1602
01:04:33,916 --> 01:04:35,041
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1603
01:04:35,042 --> 01:04:36,751
You know, ma'am, you are dealing
1604
01:04:36,752 --> 01:04:38,085
with a fully-qualified
male strumpet here.
1605
01:04:38,086 --> 01:04:39,170
Male?
1606
01:04:39,171 --> 01:04:40,421
I've actually got
a work order...
1607
01:04:40,422 --> 01:04:44,009
stating I should be
rogering you roundly right now!
1608
01:04:44,176 --> 01:04:45,594
Hey, have you guys seen John?
1609
01:04:46,428 --> 01:04:48,889
No, I haven't seen him. Danny?
1610
01:04:49,056 --> 01:04:50,516
- Have you seen John?
- Yeah? John.
1611
01:04:50,682 --> 01:04:53,602
Well, John's an anarchist
and an Illinois alpha male.
1612
01:04:54,269 --> 01:04:55,354
What does that mean?
1613
01:04:56,355 --> 01:04:57,855
Well, see, boss, you and I,
1614
01:04:57,856 --> 01:04:59,233
if we were
to enter this space...
1615
01:04:59,399 --> 01:05:01,234
we'd be like
15th century peasants
1616
01:05:01,235 --> 01:05:02,360
walking into the Vatican...
1617
01:05:02,361 --> 01:05:04,071
but Belushi's
a whole other animal.
1618
01:05:04,238 --> 01:05:05,989
He's a skeptic and a sinner.
1619
01:05:06,156 --> 01:05:07,616
I'd give O'Houlihans a recce.
1620
01:05:07,991 --> 01:05:09,326
He's at the bar next door.
1621
01:05:10,536 --> 01:05:12,913
Barbara's still asking
about your credit on the show.
1622
01:05:13,080 --> 01:05:14,122
Whatever you think.
1623
01:05:14,289 --> 01:05:15,499
It's your name, Rose.
1624
01:05:17,543 --> 01:05:18,669
Has he only gotten that far?
1625
01:05:19,086 --> 01:05:21,421
We'd like to help,
but we're rootin' for the guy.
1626
01:05:21,588 --> 01:05:23,215
Well, at least
your heart's in it.
1627
01:05:23,382 --> 01:05:25,050
Hey, you seen Jacqueline,
my fiancée?
1628
01:05:25,217 --> 01:05:26,885
No, I haven't seen shit!
1629
01:05:27,636 --> 01:05:29,555
Ladies, have you seen Jackie?
1630
01:05:29,721 --> 01:05:30,722
- No. Sorry.
- All right, change of plans.
1631
01:05:30,889 --> 01:05:32,181
We're skippin' Ancient Greece
1632
01:05:32,182 --> 01:05:33,976
and we're movin'
into the break room.
1633
01:05:34,142 --> 01:05:35,269
Ladies, I need you
in your hard hats.
1634
01:05:35,435 --> 01:05:36,770
Okay? Right now. Come on.
1635
01:05:36,937 --> 01:05:39,064
I don't want to change.
1636
01:05:39,231 --> 01:05:40,816
Are we good? Is he all right?
1637
01:05:40,983 --> 01:05:42,692
Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean...
1638
01:05:42,693 --> 01:05:44,110
whatever's going on
between you and me
1639
01:05:44,111 --> 01:05:45,821
is the last thing
on his mind right now.
1640
01:05:45,988 --> 01:05:48,031
So the man doesn't wrestle
with the green-eyed monster?
1641
01:05:48,198 --> 01:05:50,116
Hardly. I mean, look,
I've known Lorne
1642
01:05:50,117 --> 01:05:51,785
since I had toilet paper tits.
1643
01:05:52,619 --> 01:05:54,245
One day, he just followed me
home from school
1644
01:05:54,246 --> 01:05:56,038
- and I never shook him.
- Pretty sure
1645
01:05:56,039 --> 01:05:57,748
- you can be arrested for that.
- Look out, Rosie!
1646
01:05:57,749 --> 01:05:59,084
Sorry, Moose.
1647
01:05:59,960 --> 01:06:01,210
Anyways, I don't know,
1648
01:06:01,211 --> 01:06:03,881
Lorne lost his dad
when he was 14...
1649
01:06:04,047 --> 01:06:05,632
and his mom sold everything...
1650
01:06:05,799 --> 01:06:08,218
and so he spent a whole year
without furniture.
1651
01:06:08,385 --> 01:06:09,970
So when I first met him,
I thought...
1652
01:06:10,137 --> 01:06:13,807
he's just a stray looking for
a spare piece of carpet...
1653
01:06:14,516 --> 01:06:16,226
like, he wants to be
a part of my family...
1654
01:06:16,393 --> 01:06:18,896
and I'm the kid sister
or something.
1655
01:06:19,646 --> 01:06:21,648
But then, hormones.
1656
01:06:21,815 --> 01:06:23,775
Turns out,
I'm not the kid sister...
1657
01:06:24,276 --> 01:06:27,446
and so we start dating
and I think...
1658
01:06:28,155 --> 01:06:30,991
"Okay, he wants to build
a family with me."
1659
01:06:31,408 --> 01:06:33,702
And we get married,
we buy a house.
1660
01:06:33,869 --> 01:06:35,746
I mean, no ring.
I think those are pretty stupid.
1661
01:06:35,913 --> 01:06:38,248
But linens and china.
1662
01:06:39,625 --> 01:06:42,127
And then it turns out...
1663
01:06:42,294 --> 01:06:44,630
I'm not the kid sister
or the wife.
1664
01:06:45,255 --> 01:06:46,256
So who are ya?
1665
01:06:46,715 --> 01:06:48,008
I'm the writer.
1666
01:06:48,175 --> 01:06:50,219
All right,
rehearsal's moments away.
1667
01:06:50,385 --> 01:06:51,720
And who's he?
1668
01:06:51,887 --> 01:06:54,514
We take you now
to Ancient Greece.
1669
01:06:54,515 --> 01:06:56,015
Not yet, Don.
It's the wrong sketch, buddy.
1670
01:06:56,016 --> 01:06:57,476
Can I get you
behind the lockers?
1671
01:06:57,643 --> 01:06:58,977
Yeah.
1672
01:07:00,437 --> 01:07:01,980
And try sitting like men.
1673
01:07:02,481 --> 01:07:03,482
- Yeah.
- Perfect.
1674
01:07:03,649 --> 01:07:05,859
Okay. Hair and makeup, clear.
1675
01:07:06,151 --> 01:07:07,277
Clearing.
1676
01:07:07,444 --> 01:07:09,112
Please get the fuck out.
Thank you.
1677
01:07:09,279 --> 01:07:11,448
Okay, and action!
1678
01:07:13,242 --> 01:07:16,245
Now that you've mastered
all the technical know-how...
1679
01:07:16,411 --> 01:07:19,581
I think it's time
we work on your sidewalk skills.
1680
01:07:19,748 --> 01:07:20,874
All right.
1681
01:07:21,375 --> 01:07:23,669
Daniel over here
has kindly offered...
1682
01:07:23,836 --> 01:07:26,922
to aid us
in a live demonstration.
1683
01:07:27,089 --> 01:07:28,757
Come on out, Danny.
1684
01:07:29,925 --> 01:07:31,385
Danny, enter.
1685
01:07:35,514 --> 01:07:37,431
No, you got
to take off the robe.
1686
01:07:37,432 --> 01:07:39,225
I can lose it on the day.
I figured I'd rehearse with...
1687
01:07:39,226 --> 01:07:41,144
No. You can lose
the robe right now.
1688
01:07:47,442 --> 01:07:48,861
The shorts are too short.
1689
01:07:50,487 --> 01:07:52,697
Now, when
a little piece-a heaven
1690
01:07:52,698 --> 01:07:55,367
- like Danny walks by...
- Now strut.
1691
01:07:56,618 --> 01:07:58,077
- Here's how you make him feel...
- Right.
1692
01:07:58,078 --> 01:07:59,288
...right at home.
1693
01:08:00,330 --> 01:08:03,166
Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom!
1694
01:08:03,333 --> 01:08:04,918
Show him how to do it, Gilda!
1695
01:08:05,169 --> 01:08:06,295
- Yeah!
- Come on, Jane.
1696
01:08:06,461 --> 01:08:08,213
- Give it to him.
- All right.
1697
01:08:09,381 --> 01:08:10,591
Hey, dreamboat.
1698
01:08:11,133 --> 01:08:13,969
What's the matter? Why don't
you give me a little twirl?
1699
01:08:14,136 --> 01:08:17,139
Show me
what you're workin' with.
1700
01:08:20,600 --> 01:08:21,810
Okay, give it to him, Laraine.
1701
01:08:26,231 --> 01:08:28,859
Hey, stud muffins, want to
make bouncy bouncy?
1702
01:08:30,359 --> 01:08:31,402
Are we still doing the scene?
Or...
1703
01:08:31,403 --> 01:08:32,528
What are ya talkin' to her for?
1704
01:08:32,529 --> 01:08:33,821
You're talkin' to me,
joy chunks.
1705
01:08:33,822 --> 01:08:35,157
Stay in character, please.
1706
01:08:35,323 --> 01:08:37,075
- Hey.
- Come on, baby.
1707
01:08:37,242 --> 01:08:38,743
Ya dropped somethin'.
1708
01:08:41,662 --> 01:08:43,165
Well, I guess
I should just pick this up.
1709
01:08:49,129 --> 01:08:50,839
All right, all right. All right.
1710
01:08:51,006 --> 01:08:52,005
They are so cute
1711
01:08:52,006 --> 01:08:53,549
- when they're mad!
- All right, thank you.
1712
01:08:53,550 --> 01:08:54,885
Okay, cut.
1713
01:08:57,386 --> 01:08:59,014
The shorts are too short.
I told ya.
1714
01:08:59,765 --> 01:09:02,559
Here you go.
It was a great scene.
1715
01:09:03,060 --> 01:09:04,060
- Yeah, strumpet.
- Thanks.
1716
01:09:04,228 --> 01:09:07,064
All right, and we're movin' on.
Great rehearsal. Here we go.
1717
01:09:07,231 --> 01:09:09,899
We take you now
to Ancient Greece...
1718
01:09:10,067 --> 01:09:11,443
as Alexander the Great...
1719
01:09:11,609 --> 01:09:14,029
attends his ten-year
high school reunion.
1720
01:09:14,196 --> 01:09:15,781
Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?
1721
01:09:17,366 --> 01:09:18,408
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?
1722
01:09:21,620 --> 01:09:23,205
Look at that. My goodness.
1723
01:09:23,372 --> 01:09:24,790
Hey, hon.
They need us in Athens.
1724
01:09:24,957 --> 01:09:26,041
Jesus, who's this guy?
1725
01:09:26,207 --> 01:09:27,709
Chevy, Milton taped
a show here...
1726
01:09:27,876 --> 01:09:30,212
back in 1956, isn't that neat?
1727
01:09:30,379 --> 01:09:31,421
She's taken.
1728
01:09:31,587 --> 01:09:33,465
What hours? I'll take
the rest of the evening.
1729
01:09:33,631 --> 01:09:34,841
- Excuse me?
- He's kidding.
1730
01:09:35,008 --> 01:09:36,093
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.
1731
01:09:36,260 --> 01:09:37,261
That's cute.
1732
01:09:37,426 --> 01:09:38,970
I remember
when you used to do comedy.
1733
01:09:39,136 --> 01:09:40,555
Funny, 'cause I never
heard of you.
1734
01:09:40,721 --> 01:09:42,349
That's probably the Alzheimer's.
1735
01:09:43,183 --> 01:09:44,642
What's the matter,
did you wander off
1736
01:09:44,643 --> 01:09:46,310
onto an actual TV set?
1737
01:09:47,437 --> 01:09:48,563
Hey, darling, you're sitting
1738
01:09:48,564 --> 01:09:50,357
in front of the Ghost
of Television Past.
1739
01:09:50,524 --> 01:09:51,524
This old man...
1740
01:09:51,692 --> 01:09:53,484
he used to be an institution.
Now he needs one.
1741
01:09:55,362 --> 01:09:57,238
If you want my comeback,
you're gonna have to scrape it
1742
01:09:57,239 --> 01:09:59,074
off the back
of your mom's teeth.
1743
01:09:59,241 --> 01:10:00,409
Jesus.
1744
01:10:02,202 --> 01:10:03,244
You're gonna laugh at that?
1745
01:10:03,245 --> 01:10:04,413
Listen, sweetheart.
1746
01:10:04,580 --> 01:10:06,373
There's plenty more
where that came from.
1747
01:10:07,833 --> 01:10:08,834
God.
1748
01:10:11,879 --> 01:10:13,297
Do I have your attention?
1749
01:10:19,219 --> 01:10:21,180
I have two stars
on the Walk of Fame.
1750
01:10:21,930 --> 01:10:23,140
Yeah. Who gives a shit?
1751
01:10:23,891 --> 01:10:25,017
I once held 97%...
1752
01:10:25,184 --> 01:10:27,603
of America's television
viewing audience.
1753
01:10:29,897 --> 01:10:31,481
That's not
what they're gonna remember.
1754
01:10:32,482 --> 01:10:34,693
They're gonna remember
Mr. Television.
1755
01:10:35,652 --> 01:10:37,112
Their Uncle Miltie.
1756
01:10:39,072 --> 01:10:40,365
Who the fuck are you, kid?
1757
01:10:42,117 --> 01:10:43,202
You're not a star.
1758
01:10:45,078 --> 01:10:47,080
You're barely
in the fucking building.
1759
01:10:50,584 --> 01:10:52,169
You're not even a swingin' dick.
1760
01:10:55,214 --> 01:10:56,798
Call me after he's done crying.
1761
01:10:56,965 --> 01:10:59,343
Are you shitting me?
1762
01:10:59,510 --> 01:11:01,094
Are you shitting me
with this costume?
1763
01:11:01,261 --> 01:11:02,261
Can you make a path?
1764
01:11:02,262 --> 01:11:03,972
There's an actual comedian
coming through.
1765
01:11:04,139 --> 01:11:05,599
Wow. Look at these columns.
1766
01:11:05,766 --> 01:11:07,309
I feel transported.
1767
01:11:07,935 --> 01:11:09,645
Hey, George. How can I help?
1768
01:11:10,229 --> 01:11:12,189
So, what is this?
1769
01:11:12,356 --> 01:11:14,900
Why am I dressed like a fuckin'
towel boy from Caesar's?
1770
01:11:15,067 --> 01:11:17,402
Well, I believe you're
Alexander the Great at his...
1771
01:11:17,569 --> 01:11:19,029
Ten-year high school reunion.
1772
01:11:19,196 --> 01:11:20,197
- Thank you, Don.
- Exactly.
1773
01:11:20,364 --> 01:11:21,532
So, when Chevy asks
what you've been up to...
1774
01:11:21,698 --> 01:11:22,950
your response is, "You know...
1775
01:11:23,116 --> 01:11:25,077
"mostly conquering
the known universe."
1776
01:11:26,745 --> 01:11:28,496
Right.
And this is for television.
1777
01:11:28,497 --> 01:11:29,998
- Right.
- What's your concern, George?
1778
01:11:30,165 --> 01:11:31,290
My real concern is
why I let my agent
1779
01:11:31,291 --> 01:11:32,375
convince me to do your show.
1780
01:11:32,376 --> 01:11:33,460
Do you need some help
with the script?
1781
01:11:33,627 --> 01:11:35,295
I'd just love to know
where the humor is.
1782
01:11:35,462 --> 01:11:37,421
It's like a Spruce Goose.
It's a lot of wood, no lift off.
1783
01:11:37,422 --> 01:11:38,548
Well, we can rewrite.
I mean, we have...
1784
01:11:38,549 --> 01:11:39,632
Is that right?
1785
01:11:39,633 --> 01:11:40,801
- Jesus Christ.
- Great.
1786
01:11:40,968 --> 01:11:42,510
- We could find...
- No, no, no. George, I hear you.
1787
01:11:42,511 --> 01:11:44,095
- We want to make it work.
- I think I understand
1788
01:11:44,096 --> 01:11:45,931
the reason
you might be struggling.
1789
01:11:46,640 --> 01:11:48,016
You see, these are scenes.
1790
01:11:48,183 --> 01:11:49,183
Well, sketches.
1791
01:11:49,184 --> 01:11:51,061
- They revolve around acting.
- Michael...
1792
01:11:51,228 --> 01:11:52,228
And that must feel foreign
1793
01:11:52,229 --> 01:11:53,312
when you're
a ponytailed vulture...
1794
01:11:53,313 --> 01:11:55,148
feeding off the corpse
of Lenny Bruce.
1795
01:12:00,988 --> 01:12:02,739
It's okay. He's right.
You're right.
1796
01:12:06,451 --> 01:12:08,077
Because I wouldn't want
to make these skits
1797
01:12:08,078 --> 01:12:09,997
any worse
than they actually are.
1798
01:12:10,455 --> 01:12:13,500
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.
1799
01:12:13,667 --> 01:12:15,836
Enjoy your fucking
little circle jerk.
1800
01:12:16,003 --> 01:12:17,963
- We already are.
- Your mom's here?
1801
01:12:22,050 --> 01:12:23,302
Well, he's in character.
1802
01:12:46,533 --> 01:12:47,534
It's shit.
1803
01:13:04,801 --> 01:13:06,136
Lorne, Lorne.
1804
01:13:06,970 --> 01:13:07,971
Lorne.
1805
01:13:08,639 --> 01:13:09,723
Lorne, great news.
1806
01:13:09,890 --> 01:13:11,892
We figured it out. Ready?
1807
01:13:17,481 --> 01:13:18,482
Ta-da.
1808
01:13:19,191 --> 01:13:20,526
We cut the toga sketch.
1809
01:13:21,902 --> 01:13:23,529
Even without Alexander,
we're still 30 over.
1810
01:13:23,695 --> 01:13:25,781
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances?
1811
01:13:25,948 --> 01:13:27,824
Or maybe we could trim
one of the Carlin monologues.
1812
01:13:27,991 --> 01:13:28,992
Okay.
1813
01:13:36,375 --> 01:13:37,960
What about now?
Are we under now?
1814
01:13:39,127 --> 01:13:40,254
We can make it work.
1815
01:13:45,884 --> 01:13:47,094
Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne.
1816
01:13:47,261 --> 01:13:50,013
Look, I know it's probably
a bad time and all...
1817
01:13:51,473 --> 01:13:52,473
but Valri and I
have been talking...
1818
01:13:52,474 --> 01:13:53,558
Yeah.
1819
01:13:53,559 --> 01:13:55,643
...and we can't accept anything
less than four minutes a piece.
1820
01:13:55,644 --> 01:13:57,354
So, that's four minutes for me,
four minutes for Valri.
1821
01:13:57,521 --> 01:13:58,730
Look, we've just been...
1822
01:13:59,147 --> 01:14:00,606
working too hard on our material
1823
01:14:00,607 --> 01:14:02,234
to accept
anything less so it's...
1824
01:14:02,943 --> 01:14:04,069
four minutes or nothin'.
1825
01:14:04,319 --> 01:14:05,737
Well, I need two minutes.
1826
01:14:06,113 --> 01:14:07,488
You need me
to cut two minutes of my sketch?
1827
01:14:07,489 --> 01:14:08,573
I could do that, Lorne.
1828
01:14:08,574 --> 01:14:10,117
I mean, that's six minutes only,
you know. I can make that...
1829
01:14:10,284 --> 01:14:11,577
No, I need two minutes
of material.
1830
01:14:12,327 --> 01:14:13,412
It's two minutes or nothing.
1831
01:14:13,829 --> 01:14:15,080
Is this for real? 'Cause...
1832
01:14:15,831 --> 01:14:17,582
Okay, I killed at dress, right?
1833
01:14:17,583 --> 01:14:19,000
I'm the only good act
that killed at dress.
1834
01:14:19,001 --> 01:14:20,084
I can do the show, so...
1835
01:14:20,085 --> 01:14:21,378
Billy, can you make it work
in two minutes?
1836
01:14:21,545 --> 01:14:23,755
- I can't even set it up in two.
- Then I don't know what to say.
1837
01:14:23,922 --> 01:14:25,090
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
1838
01:14:25,549 --> 01:14:26,550
Can you make it in two?
1839
01:14:27,551 --> 01:14:28,886
- Yes.
- Great.
1840
01:14:36,602 --> 01:14:38,020
Lorne, Lorne.
1841
01:14:41,231 --> 01:14:42,232
I was thinking...
1842
01:14:42,941 --> 01:14:44,151
why don't we punt?
1843
01:14:46,153 --> 01:14:48,864
Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon.
1844
01:14:49,281 --> 01:14:50,365
That's what
you've been thinking?
1845
01:14:50,532 --> 01:14:53,076
Listen, no one wants this show
to succeed more than I do.
1846
01:14:53,243 --> 01:14:54,244
Is that so?
1847
01:14:54,953 --> 01:14:56,997
I mean, yeah,
I hired you, Lorne.
1848
01:14:57,497 --> 01:14:58,916
I take it up the ass
from this network every day...
1849
01:14:59,082 --> 01:15:00,501
because I believe in this show.
1850
01:15:00,667 --> 01:15:02,669
And I'm telling you, we should
run the dress rehearsal...
1851
01:15:02,836 --> 01:15:04,421
and claw back a win
next Saturday.
1852
01:15:04,588 --> 01:15:05,963
It's in everyone's
best interest.
1853
01:15:05,964 --> 01:15:07,215
Mainly yours.
1854
01:15:07,216 --> 01:15:08,592
Sorry. Was that a threat?
1855
01:15:08,759 --> 01:15:10,594
No. What? No.
1856
01:15:10,969 --> 01:15:13,222
Lorne, all I'm trying to do
is give you advice.
1857
01:15:13,388 --> 01:15:14,556
25 minutes!
1858
01:15:15,891 --> 01:15:17,558
Thanks for the advice,
but we can't, Dick.
1859
01:15:17,559 --> 01:15:18,643
It's a live show.
1860
01:15:18,644 --> 01:15:19,727
No one's gonna know
the difference.
1861
01:15:19,728 --> 01:15:21,312
- We just can't.
- Lorne, you need to start
1862
01:15:21,313 --> 01:15:23,314
adjusting your concept of what
you can and cannot do.
1863
01:15:23,315 --> 01:15:24,900
We can't
because there is no tape.
1864
01:15:25,067 --> 01:15:26,777
I didn't record
the dress rehearsal.
1865
01:15:27,444 --> 01:15:29,154
So, we don't have
to argue about it.
1866
01:15:30,531 --> 01:15:31,532
You didn't what?
1867
01:15:32,032 --> 01:15:33,033
We just have to make it to air.
1868
01:15:33,200 --> 01:15:35,035
Lorne, I'm not gonna be able
to protect you.
1869
01:15:35,202 --> 01:15:36,203
I'm used to that.
1870
01:15:36,370 --> 01:15:37,663
Screw you.
1871
01:15:37,829 --> 01:15:40,207
Do you know how much bullshit
never makes it to your ears?
1872
01:15:40,374 --> 01:15:41,708
Because I'm the wall they hit.
1873
01:15:41,875 --> 01:15:43,669
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.
1874
01:15:43,836 --> 01:15:46,128
I'm sorry you need
a sponsor for a show
1875
01:15:46,129 --> 01:15:47,840
that can't pull
a single advertiser.
1876
01:15:48,006 --> 01:15:49,758
You know they're giving out
the ads for free?
1877
01:15:49,925 --> 01:15:53,261
NBC is lucky to have something
as relevant as this show.
1878
01:15:53,262 --> 01:15:54,595
Lorne, they don't even want it.
1879
01:15:54,596 --> 01:15:55,680
That's logical, Dick. That's why
1880
01:15:55,681 --> 01:15:56,890
they're paying us all
to be here.
1881
01:16:00,686 --> 01:16:02,187
They want you to fail.
1882
01:16:02,604 --> 01:16:03,646
They're betting on it.
1883
01:16:03,647 --> 01:16:04,772
Really?
1884
01:16:04,773 --> 01:16:06,023
NBC makes more money
1885
01:16:06,024 --> 01:16:07,985
playing reruns
of The Tonight Show.
1886
01:16:08,151 --> 01:16:10,320
- So, why don't they?
- It's a contract dispute, Lorne.
1887
01:16:10,487 --> 01:16:12,238
I mean, they're trying
to prove to Johnny Carson
1888
01:16:12,239 --> 01:16:13,824
that the reruns are inevitable.
1889
01:16:13,991 --> 01:16:17,035
So, they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.
1890
01:16:17,202 --> 01:16:19,245
I mean, Lorne,
90 minutes of live television
1891
01:16:19,246 --> 01:16:20,581
by a group of 20-year-olds...
1892
01:16:20,747 --> 01:16:21,915
who've never made anything.
1893
01:16:22,165 --> 01:16:24,543
Do you ever stop and wonder
why they said yes?
1894
01:16:24,710 --> 01:16:27,629
A counterculture show
starring total unknowns...
1895
01:16:27,796 --> 01:16:30,257
with zero narrative
and even less structure?
1896
01:16:30,424 --> 01:16:32,551
Are you that fucking arrogant...
1897
01:16:33,010 --> 01:16:35,095
that you never
even questioned this?
1898
01:16:38,015 --> 01:16:39,557
Now, look, you want to know
what's gonna happen
1899
01:16:39,558 --> 01:16:41,435
at 11:30 tonight? Okay.
1900
01:16:42,019 --> 01:16:43,312
Your actors
will be on their marks.
1901
01:16:43,478 --> 01:16:45,230
Band's tuned up,
all ready to go.
1902
01:16:45,397 --> 01:16:46,857
Joe will be hollering out
the countdown...
1903
01:16:47,024 --> 01:16:48,233
and you'll be
in the control room...
1904
01:16:48,400 --> 01:16:50,694
and Dave Tebet will be standing
probably right next to you.
1905
01:16:50,861 --> 01:16:52,321
And when
those screens go black...
1906
01:16:52,487 --> 01:16:53,863
he will raise his big-ass,
1907
01:16:53,864 --> 01:16:55,490
jeweled-up index finger
and say...
1908
01:16:55,657 --> 01:16:56,700
"Go to Carson."
1909
01:16:57,075 --> 01:16:58,410
And that will be that.
1910
01:16:59,786 --> 01:17:00,829
You blew it.
1911
01:17:05,292 --> 01:17:07,753
And listen,
I know you all make fun of me...
1912
01:17:07,920 --> 01:17:09,296
and my clothes behind my back.
1913
01:17:10,172 --> 01:17:12,174
But, Lorne, I'm killing myself
for this show.
1914
01:17:14,510 --> 01:17:16,011
Also, Polaroid is cool.
1915
01:17:36,532 --> 01:17:38,659
- Oh, shit! Lorne.
- It worked!
1916
01:17:44,164 --> 01:17:45,457
Nice work, fellas.
1917
01:17:46,708 --> 01:17:48,210
A little heavy on the flow,
but very funny.
1918
01:17:49,336 --> 01:17:50,337
Sorry about the clothes.
1919
01:17:50,504 --> 01:17:51,797
And your face.
1920
01:17:53,715 --> 01:17:58,136
Art is but a measure
of sacrifice and tears.
1921
01:17:59,638 --> 01:18:00,680
Not quite ready for tonight,
1922
01:18:00,681 --> 01:18:02,516
but I'll keep it
on a special list.
1923
01:18:04,309 --> 01:18:06,019
"Special list"?
1924
01:18:19,908 --> 01:18:20,909
Lobby.
1925
01:18:25,330 --> 01:18:26,999
This an okay time?
1926
01:18:28,041 --> 01:18:29,042
Ideal.
1927
01:18:29,376 --> 01:18:30,377
Look...
1928
01:18:32,129 --> 01:18:33,589
I know what people say...
1929
01:18:33,755 --> 01:18:36,633
when they see a man
with his arm up a Muppet.
1930
01:18:39,178 --> 01:18:41,513
But this isn't just kid's stuff.
1931
01:18:42,347 --> 01:18:44,224
I believe, deep in my heart...
1932
01:18:44,391 --> 01:18:47,603
that there is room
for high-stakes puppetry...
1933
01:18:47,769 --> 01:18:49,396
on grown-up TV.
1934
01:18:49,646 --> 01:18:52,649
And... I get the sense that...
1935
01:18:52,816 --> 01:18:54,984
some of the writers
on the 17th floor
1936
01:18:54,985 --> 01:18:56,945
don't share that dream.
1937
01:18:59,281 --> 01:19:01,033
You didn't like the pages?
1938
01:19:04,203 --> 01:19:05,621
There were no pages.
1939
01:19:07,497 --> 01:19:08,874
That's fair criticism.
1940
01:19:11,084 --> 01:19:12,294
Free show!
1941
01:19:12,878 --> 01:19:14,004
Free show, sir?
1942
01:19:14,796 --> 01:19:15,797
Free show.
1943
01:19:17,633 --> 01:19:19,718
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.
1944
01:19:20,135 --> 01:19:21,470
The night's still young.
1945
01:19:22,262 --> 01:19:23,347
Hey, man! How's it going?
1946
01:19:29,102 --> 01:19:31,146
Thank you. Long Island.
1947
01:19:31,605 --> 01:19:32,814
Massapequa Park.
1948
01:19:33,273 --> 01:19:34,274
Hello?
1949
01:20:04,972 --> 01:20:08,100
My family had trouble fittin' in
when they got to America.
1950
01:20:08,267 --> 01:20:09,725
Even though my great-grandfather
1951
01:20:09,726 --> 01:20:11,979
actually fought
in the Civil War...
1952
01:20:12,312 --> 01:20:14,231
he fought for the West.
1953
01:20:14,857 --> 01:20:16,483
- Jesus Christ.
- Okay.
1954
01:20:16,650 --> 01:20:18,569
This drunk,
he's in front of the bench.
1955
01:20:18,735 --> 01:20:21,029
The judge says, "Hey, we brought
you in for drinking."
1956
01:20:21,196 --> 01:20:23,240
And the drunk goes,
"Great. What are we havin'?"
1957
01:20:24,950 --> 01:20:28,370
That's not the punch line.
Jesus, fucking bullshit!
1958
01:20:28,537 --> 01:20:29,788
What's happening here?
1959
01:20:30,539 --> 01:20:33,959
I get paid seven bucks a joke,
if it gets a laugh. Which...
1960
01:20:34,334 --> 01:20:36,002
This putz is taking
bulletproof material
1961
01:20:36,003 --> 01:20:37,086
and filling it with lead.
1962
01:20:37,087 --> 01:20:38,296
You wrote his jokes?
1963
01:20:38,297 --> 01:20:40,423
Yeah. I wrote things
that vaguely resemble
1964
01:20:40,424 --> 01:20:41,758
the things that he's saying.
1965
01:20:42,467 --> 01:20:44,720
Why don't you just
perform them yourself?
1966
01:20:45,387 --> 01:20:47,431
Look at me. This is how much
I sweat off-stage.
1967
01:20:47,806 --> 01:20:49,600
I get home from work
the other night...
1968
01:20:49,975 --> 01:20:52,561
I see my wife in bed
with my best friend.
1969
01:20:52,728 --> 01:20:55,564
I say to him, I go,
"I have to, but you?"
1970
01:20:55,731 --> 01:20:57,441
- Oh, my God.
- How many do you have in here?
1971
01:20:57,608 --> 01:21:00,110
About 1,100.
They're single-spaced.
1972
01:21:00,527 --> 01:21:01,862
Sorry, do you mind
if I go through them?
1973
01:21:02,029 --> 01:21:04,198
- Bring up the next comedian!
- Yeah. Go for it.
1974
01:21:04,364 --> 01:21:05,407
I'm sure you'll hate him, too.
1975
01:21:09,328 --> 01:21:10,329
Move.
1976
01:21:14,041 --> 01:21:16,376
God. That was fuckin' rough.
Shit crowd.
1977
01:21:16,543 --> 01:21:17,878
Yeah, that was it.
1978
01:21:19,546 --> 01:21:20,547
Hey, come on.
What's with the quarters?
1979
01:21:20,714 --> 01:21:23,800
Well, I changed the punch line
from 46 to 49...
1980
01:21:23,967 --> 01:21:25,802
for the line about the Buick.
1981
01:21:25,969 --> 01:21:27,095
Much bigger laugh, by the way.
1982
01:21:27,262 --> 01:21:29,515
So, that means
I only owe you $3.50.
1983
01:21:29,681 --> 01:21:30,682
You want a job?
1984
01:21:30,849 --> 01:21:31,975
That would be great.
1985
01:21:32,142 --> 01:21:33,685
I want a length of rope
and a sturdy beam.
1986
01:21:33,852 --> 01:21:35,771
How much do you need to live?
1987
01:21:35,938 --> 01:21:38,148
I make three bucks an hour
at my day job. Match it.
1988
01:21:38,315 --> 01:21:40,025
Tell him what you really do.
Tell him.
1989
01:21:40,192 --> 01:21:41,443
He's a deli boy.
1990
01:21:41,610 --> 01:21:44,195
Okay? He's a schmuck
in a little paper hat...
1991
01:21:44,196 --> 01:21:46,864
who slices the pastrami
behind the counter.
1992
01:21:46,865 --> 01:21:48,407
And he can barely do that.
1993
01:21:48,408 --> 01:21:49,701
Tell him what you did
to your finger.
1994
01:21:49,952 --> 01:21:51,537
You're hired. Lorne Michaels.
1995
01:21:51,703 --> 01:21:54,498
- Alan. Zweibel.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
1996
01:21:54,665 --> 01:21:56,041
You'd be better off
buying the pastrami.
1997
01:21:56,208 --> 01:21:57,209
Let's go.
1998
01:21:57,376 --> 01:21:58,585
Wait, what? When do we start?
1999
01:21:59,753 --> 01:22:00,921
Jesus Christ.
2000
01:22:02,422 --> 01:22:04,508
You can't...
You better not leave.
2001
01:22:05,008 --> 01:22:06,551
This is not
gonna be good for you.
2002
01:22:06,552 --> 01:22:08,637
I was gonna take you to Reno.
2003
01:22:16,645 --> 01:22:18,021
Look at that form.
2004
01:22:18,689 --> 01:22:19,898
Beautiful.
2005
01:22:31,034 --> 01:22:32,827
You ever have nostalgia
for a moment
2006
01:22:32,828 --> 01:22:34,121
while you're still in it?
2007
01:22:36,498 --> 01:22:38,250
I mean, like...
2008
01:22:39,209 --> 01:22:41,253
You're in the moment,
but you're also...
2009
01:22:41,712 --> 01:22:43,714
looking back on it. Like...
2010
01:22:44,798 --> 01:22:47,467
Right now, I'm here,
but I'm also...
2011
01:22:47,968 --> 01:22:50,679
thinking about this moment
20 years from now.
2012
01:22:50,846 --> 01:22:52,431
We're walking by this ice rink.
2013
01:22:53,515 --> 01:22:54,766
Maybe it's Christmas...
2014
01:22:54,933 --> 01:22:57,978
and our kids are draggin' us
by our pinkies...
2015
01:22:58,437 --> 01:23:01,773
and we got presents loaded
on our shoulders...
2016
01:23:02,691 --> 01:23:04,609
and all we can think about
is this moment,
2017
01:23:04,610 --> 01:23:06,695
right before we went on TV.
2018
01:23:14,036 --> 01:23:16,955
You know, the NBC liability act
forbids you from ice skating.
2019
01:23:18,290 --> 01:23:19,291
I found John.
2020
01:23:19,458 --> 01:23:20,459
Excellent work, Gilda.
2021
01:23:20,626 --> 01:23:22,669
Good thing I didn't sign
my contract.
2022
01:23:25,923 --> 01:23:27,132
What's the deal, John?
2023
01:23:29,051 --> 01:23:30,302
You on the show or not?
2024
01:23:35,224 --> 01:23:38,268
The one where I get to dress up
like a giant, grotesque bee?
2025
01:23:39,144 --> 01:23:41,271
I don't know.
Let me ask my childhood dreams.
2026
01:23:46,235 --> 01:23:48,028
I want to try a triple axel.
2027
01:23:48,570 --> 01:23:50,197
Now we're talkin'.
2028
01:23:50,364 --> 01:23:51,823
How about a single axel?
2029
01:23:52,241 --> 01:23:53,242
Nah.
2030
01:23:54,117 --> 01:23:56,411
I figure I can either pull off
the triple...
2031
01:23:57,829 --> 01:23:58,914
or die trying.
2032
01:24:00,040 --> 01:24:01,250
Those are the options?
2033
01:24:10,217 --> 01:24:11,385
Okay, John.
2034
01:24:12,845 --> 01:24:14,304
I support it.
2035
01:24:21,687 --> 01:24:22,688
Oh, God.
2036
01:24:34,867 --> 01:24:36,702
- He's gonna break something.
- Oh, God.
2037
01:24:40,080 --> 01:24:41,080
- Fuck!
- Shit. John!
2038
01:24:41,081 --> 01:24:42,165
John?
2039
01:24:42,583 --> 01:24:43,959
- John!
- Fuck!
2040
01:24:44,126 --> 01:24:45,127
Are you okay?
2041
01:24:49,715 --> 01:24:51,258
You all right? I yield.
2042
01:24:52,593 --> 01:24:54,136
I accept your surrender.
2043
01:24:54,303 --> 01:24:56,680
Do you want me to help you up?
2044
01:24:56,847 --> 01:24:57,848
No.
2045
01:24:58,932 --> 01:25:00,767
I'm just gonna lie here
for a minute.
2046
01:25:02,436 --> 01:25:04,354
Okay, sure. Yeah.
2047
01:25:05,147 --> 01:25:06,773
We have all the time
in the world.
2048
01:25:12,112 --> 01:25:14,072
Who is that asshole, anyway?
2049
01:25:15,324 --> 01:25:16,700
It's Prometheus.
2050
01:25:17,784 --> 01:25:19,411
He stole fire
from the cauldron of the gods...
2051
01:25:19,578 --> 01:25:22,539
gave it to man, so we could
have science and the arts.
2052
01:25:26,460 --> 01:25:28,045
All right.
I'm gonna head back up.
2053
01:25:29,254 --> 01:25:30,964
We have a show to put on...
2054
01:25:31,131 --> 01:25:33,091
and I'd like to be there
when I get fired.
2055
01:25:34,885 --> 01:25:36,303
I'd hope to see you there,
too, John.
2056
01:25:57,699 --> 01:25:58,742
- Hey!
- Hey.
2057
01:25:58,909 --> 01:26:00,744
Heard you needed a quick change
for the last act?
2058
01:26:00,911 --> 01:26:01,912
Thank you.
2059
01:26:09,586 --> 01:26:10,921
What should I say
when I get up there?
2060
01:26:11,088 --> 01:26:12,631
- How should I know?
- You're the writer.
2061
01:26:12,798 --> 01:26:14,216
- You're the talker.
- I'm the talker?
2062
01:26:14,383 --> 01:26:16,426
Yeah, you talk the peel
off a grape.
2063
01:26:17,511 --> 01:26:18,512
That was funny.
2064
01:26:26,520 --> 01:26:27,562
Rose, I won't be offended
2065
01:26:27,563 --> 01:26:29,189
if you don't want to use
my last name.
2066
01:26:29,940 --> 01:26:31,984
It's not your last name,
Lipowitz.
2067
01:26:37,364 --> 01:26:38,657
Check it out! Full house, right?
2068
01:26:38,824 --> 01:26:39,825
What did you tell them?
2069
01:26:39,992 --> 01:26:41,200
Well, I kind of
had to lie a little bit,
2070
01:26:41,201 --> 01:26:42,286
but the vibes are really good.
2071
01:26:42,452 --> 01:26:43,620
Can we start to let them in?
2072
01:26:44,621 --> 01:26:45,622
- Almost.
- All right.
2073
01:26:45,789 --> 01:26:47,373
Five minutes, guys.
10 minutes tops.
2074
01:26:47,374 --> 01:26:48,834
Let's keep these vibes going!
2075
01:26:55,174 --> 01:26:56,675
- Adequate?
- Adequate.
2076
01:27:00,679 --> 01:27:03,056
- Can you imagine being first up?
- Opening the show and all.
2077
01:27:03,223 --> 01:27:04,224
Millions of people
trying to decide...
2078
01:27:04,391 --> 01:27:06,560
How they want to spend
their Saturday night.
2079
01:27:06,727 --> 01:27:08,811
What's the first thing they see?
No logo, no intro.
2080
01:27:08,812 --> 01:27:10,271
Nope. Just a close up
of your pretty face.
2081
01:27:10,272 --> 01:27:11,647
- Nah.
- Nah. Who gives a fuck, right?
2082
01:27:11,648 --> 01:27:12,732
Yeah. It's just
a bunch of animals
2083
01:27:12,733 --> 01:27:13,816
watching their lava lamps.
2084
01:27:13,817 --> 01:27:14,901
You're gonna do great.
2085
01:27:14,902 --> 01:27:15,985
- Yeah.
- Fuck off.
2086
01:27:15,986 --> 01:27:17,196
- We're pullin' for you.
- Break a leg!
2087
01:27:20,157 --> 01:27:22,492
You the writer
Lorne found in a bar?
2088
01:27:23,243 --> 01:27:24,702
That's a slightly romantic read
of the story,
2089
01:27:24,703 --> 01:27:25,871
but, yeah, I guess so.
2090
01:27:26,038 --> 01:27:28,415
All right. Well, jump on in.
Water's warm.
2091
01:27:28,582 --> 01:27:29,583
Okay.
2092
01:27:29,750 --> 01:27:31,293
Okay. Quiet, please!
2093
01:27:31,460 --> 01:27:34,296
Work stops now.
We're holding for a sound check.
2094
01:27:34,463 --> 01:27:35,464
Who wants to do the sound check?
2095
01:27:35,631 --> 01:27:37,591
Garrett! Don't you know a song?
2096
01:27:43,764 --> 01:27:45,516
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2097
01:27:48,227 --> 01:27:53,232
I'm
2098
01:27:53,398 --> 01:27:55,651
Gonna
2099
01:27:56,235 --> 01:27:59,404
Get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2100
01:27:59,780 --> 01:28:03,492
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2101
01:28:03,659 --> 01:28:05,577
When I kill
all the Whities I see
2102
01:28:05,744 --> 01:28:09,414
Then Whitey, he won't bother me
2103
01:28:10,541 --> 01:28:13,919
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2104
01:28:14,086 --> 01:28:21,884
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2105
01:28:21,885 --> 01:28:24,012
When I kill
all the Whities I see
2106
01:28:24,179 --> 01:28:27,933
Whitey, he won't bother me
2107
01:28:28,100 --> 01:28:30,477
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I
2108
01:28:30,644 --> 01:28:32,437
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I
2109
01:28:32,604 --> 01:28:35,649
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2110
01:28:37,860 --> 01:28:39,820
Bravo! Garrett!
2111
01:28:40,279 --> 01:28:42,364
- That was fantastic.
- Thank you.
2112
01:28:42,990 --> 01:28:43,991
Thank you.
2113
01:28:44,867 --> 01:28:45,867
That was perfect.
2114
01:28:45,868 --> 01:28:47,327
- You have an incredible voice.
- You're still not
2115
01:28:47,494 --> 01:28:49,454
- gonna give me no lines.
- It was beautiful.
2116
01:28:51,874 --> 01:28:54,168
Gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?
2117
01:28:54,626 --> 01:28:55,752
Long enough.
2118
01:28:55,919 --> 01:28:57,045
Lorne, we need
to let the audience in.
2119
01:28:57,504 --> 01:28:58,547
No, you don't.
2120
01:29:01,508 --> 01:29:04,011
Perhaps you kids aren't
quite ready for prime time.
2121
01:29:04,178 --> 01:29:05,512
What are you talking about?
2122
01:29:05,846 --> 01:29:07,014
Look around, Lorne.
2123
01:29:07,806 --> 01:29:09,349
You haven't locked a script.
2124
01:29:09,933 --> 01:29:10,934
Your actors are missing.
2125
01:29:11,101 --> 01:29:12,436
Your crew is...
2126
01:29:12,811 --> 01:29:14,313
in open rebellion.
2127
01:29:18,734 --> 01:29:20,652
They'd be laughing at you
in Burbank.
2128
01:29:22,112 --> 01:29:24,198
Burbank? Excuse me?
This is New York fucking City.
2129
01:29:24,364 --> 01:29:25,365
Who's she?
2130
01:29:25,532 --> 01:29:26,658
- She... It's...
- It's... I...
2131
01:29:26,825 --> 01:29:29,369
It's complicated.
We have a hell of a show.
2132
01:29:29,536 --> 01:29:30,913
We have two bands.
2133
01:29:31,079 --> 01:29:33,123
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive.
2134
01:29:33,290 --> 01:29:34,708
You even know where they are?
2135
01:29:34,875 --> 01:29:36,293
Most of them. Yes.
2136
01:29:36,919 --> 01:29:39,546
Maybe we'll just try again
next Saturday.
2137
01:29:39,713 --> 01:29:41,256
No. No, no, no. Don't do that.
Come on. No.
2138
01:29:41,423 --> 01:29:43,675
Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves...
2139
01:29:43,842 --> 01:29:45,177
- to make something special.
- I know.
2140
01:29:45,344 --> 01:29:46,678
To make something innovative
and actually good...
2141
01:29:46,845 --> 01:29:48,138
- for a change.
- "For a change"?
2142
01:29:48,305 --> 01:29:49,681
Don't tell me that you've been
doing this so long...
2143
01:29:49,848 --> 01:29:52,726
that you can't even recognize
the potential for greatness...
2144
01:29:52,893 --> 01:29:54,645
when it's right
in front of your face.
2145
01:29:56,230 --> 01:29:59,024
Do you even know
what this show is? Tell me.
2146
01:30:09,076 --> 01:30:10,577
It's an all-nighter in the city.
2147
01:30:12,162 --> 01:30:15,082
It's catching Richard Pryor
at a drop-in...
2148
01:30:15,249 --> 01:30:18,627
or finding Paul Simon strumming
in the back of a dive bar.
2149
01:30:18,794 --> 01:30:21,004
It's meeting a girl
outside of a bodega...
2150
01:30:21,171 --> 01:30:23,131
and getting lucky
in a phone booth.
2151
01:30:24,216 --> 01:30:25,633
It's everything you think
is going to happen
2152
01:30:25,634 --> 01:30:27,594
when you move to the city.
That's our show.
2153
01:30:28,053 --> 01:30:29,388
That's Saturday Night.
2154
01:30:29,555 --> 01:30:30,556
Show me.
2155
01:30:31,014 --> 01:30:32,015
Show you what?
2156
01:30:32,182 --> 01:30:33,599
Show me Saturday Night.
2157
01:30:33,600 --> 01:30:34,767
We go live
in less than 10 minutes.
2158
01:30:34,768 --> 01:30:35,852
10 minutes!
2159
01:30:35,853 --> 01:30:37,312
No, you don't!
2160
01:30:39,815 --> 01:30:40,941
Show me.
2161
01:30:53,245 --> 01:30:57,124
Mr. Trouble never hangs around
2162
01:30:57,291 --> 01:31:01,503
When he hears this Mighty sound
2163
01:31:01,670 --> 01:31:04,715
Here I come to save the day
2164
01:31:04,882 --> 01:31:08,719
That means that Mighty Mouse
is on the way
2165
01:31:09,136 --> 01:31:12,681
So, though we are
in danger, we never despair
2166
01:31:12,848 --> 01:31:14,558
'Cause we know
that where there's danger
2167
01:31:14,725 --> 01:31:16,560
- He is there
- He is there
2168
01:31:16,727 --> 01:31:17,728
On the land
2169
01:31:17,895 --> 01:31:20,981
On the sea, in the air
2170
01:31:21,148 --> 01:31:24,818
We're not worrying at all
2171
01:31:24,985 --> 01:31:28,530
We're just listening
for his call
2172
01:31:28,947 --> 01:31:32,242
Here I come to save the day
2173
01:31:32,701 --> 01:31:35,829
That means that Mighty Mouse
is on the way
2174
01:31:42,419 --> 01:31:44,880
Andy, you're a genius.
Now save your voice.
2175
01:31:47,216 --> 01:31:48,425
Pull up Weekend Update.
2176
01:31:48,592 --> 01:31:51,011
We're movin' to Weekend Update,
let's go!
2177
01:31:51,512 --> 01:31:52,846
- Hey.
- You take it.
2178
01:31:53,472 --> 01:31:54,932
- What do you mean?
- The show needs a face.
2179
01:31:55,098 --> 01:31:56,099
Are you sure?
2180
01:31:56,475 --> 01:31:58,477
You were born for this.
Trust me.
2181
01:31:59,269 --> 01:32:00,771
Should I make up a name
for the news anchor?
2182
01:32:00,938 --> 01:32:02,981
Use Chevy Chase.
No one will believe it.
2183
01:32:05,817 --> 01:32:07,903
Hey, remember this. When you...
2184
01:32:08,070 --> 01:32:09,446
look into the lens...
2185
01:32:09,613 --> 01:32:11,698
you're making eye contact
with America.
2186
01:32:12,991 --> 01:32:14,451
And now...
2187
01:32:14,618 --> 01:32:17,371
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
2188
01:32:25,087 --> 01:32:26,088
Hey, doll.
2189
01:32:26,588 --> 01:32:27,589
What are you wearing?
2190
01:32:29,132 --> 01:32:30,717
Is that why I hear purring?
2191
01:32:32,094 --> 01:32:33,387
What do you got for me?
2192
01:32:33,554 --> 01:32:34,555
It's my favorite.
2193
01:32:36,974 --> 01:32:37,975
Okay, great.
2194
01:32:40,060 --> 01:32:41,061
Good...
2195
01:32:41,228 --> 01:32:42,938
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.
2196
01:32:43,272 --> 01:32:44,356
The Post Office
announced today...
2197
01:32:44,523 --> 01:32:47,067
that it's going to issue a stamp
commemorating prostitution...
2198
01:32:47,234 --> 01:32:48,443
in the United States.
2199
01:32:48,610 --> 01:32:49,611
It's a 10-cent stamp...
2200
01:32:49,903 --> 01:32:51,822
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.
2201
01:32:56,743 --> 01:32:58,704
All right, everyone.
Eight minutes till showtime!
2202
01:33:00,789 --> 01:33:01,790
Open the doors!
2203
01:33:01,957 --> 01:33:02,958
Thank God.
2204
01:33:03,959 --> 01:33:06,211
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.
2205
01:33:08,797 --> 01:33:11,049
Right this way, folks.
You're in for a real treat.
2206
01:33:11,758 --> 01:33:12,759
Yeah!
2207
01:33:16,388 --> 01:33:18,682
Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin'
2208
01:33:20,058 --> 01:33:21,435
You gotta have somethin'
2209
01:33:21,727 --> 01:33:22,978
Lorne, remember Carl?
2210
01:33:23,145 --> 01:33:25,606
Carl? Carl! Have you ever used
one of these before?
2211
01:33:25,772 --> 01:33:26,857
Not-a once.
2212
01:33:27,024 --> 01:33:28,400
You'll pick it up in no time.
2213
01:33:29,234 --> 01:33:30,694
You gotta have somethin'
2214
01:33:31,069 --> 01:33:32,321
If you wanna be with me
2215
01:33:39,786 --> 01:33:41,455
Come on, guys. Grab a brick!
2216
01:33:41,830 --> 01:33:43,916
I'm not tryin' to be your hero
2217
01:33:45,250 --> 01:33:48,795
'Cause that zero
is too cold for me, ha
2218
01:33:51,089 --> 01:33:52,841
I'm not tryin'
to be your highness
2219
01:33:53,091 --> 01:33:54,301
Heard you needed pages.
2220
01:33:55,052 --> 01:33:56,261
Thanks, Mike.
2221
01:34:01,892 --> 01:34:02,893
Oh, no.
2222
01:34:07,564 --> 01:34:09,733
Dick, question.
What is a "golden shower"?
2223
01:34:11,568 --> 01:34:13,195
It's a yoga ritual...
2224
01:34:13,362 --> 01:34:14,446
in which practitioners...
2225
01:34:14,613 --> 01:34:18,324
greet the new day by allowing
the golden rays of sun to...
2226
01:34:18,325 --> 01:34:19,742
- Shower.
- Over their skin
2227
01:34:19,743 --> 01:34:20,826
and warm their chakras.
2228
01:34:20,827 --> 01:34:21,912
It's a California thing.
2229
01:34:22,496 --> 01:34:24,248
I've had at least
50 golden showers.
2230
01:34:24,706 --> 01:34:25,748
You heard him, Joan.
2231
01:34:25,749 --> 01:34:27,167
Sign the damn script.
We're going to air.
2232
01:34:32,631 --> 01:34:34,800
Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin'
2233
01:34:36,468 --> 01:34:39,346
You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me
2234
01:34:41,890 --> 01:34:44,601
Don't you remember I told ya
2235
01:34:45,310 --> 01:34:47,437
That I'm a soldier
On the war on poverty
2236
01:34:48,105 --> 01:34:50,482
Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.
2237
01:34:50,649 --> 01:34:52,651
- Wallie, you son of a bitch!
- Hey, you asked.
2238
01:34:52,818 --> 01:34:54,778
Wallie, my man.
You got something for me?
2239
01:34:55,696 --> 01:34:56,780
Yes, you do.
2240
01:34:57,281 --> 01:34:59,283
George, I wanted to apologize
for how you were treated...
2241
01:35:01,159 --> 01:35:02,243
Are you having a stroke?
2242
01:35:02,244 --> 01:35:03,704
You need more coke?
2243
01:35:05,205 --> 01:35:06,206
Danny!
2244
01:35:14,923 --> 01:35:16,758
Hurry up. Come on, faster.
2245
01:35:17,551 --> 01:35:18,552
Watch your fingers.
2246
01:35:26,685 --> 01:35:28,145
Oh, boy. Lockjaw!
2247
01:35:28,687 --> 01:35:29,812
It's too much cocaine,
2248
01:35:29,813 --> 01:35:31,105
it's seizing up
the old mandibulars.
2249
01:35:31,106 --> 01:35:32,941
Let's get some finger love
in there, huh?
2250
01:35:33,108 --> 01:35:34,943
Yep. Just a little bit of this,
you'll be fine.
2251
01:35:35,110 --> 01:35:36,278
- Okay, great.
- There we go.
2252
01:35:38,322 --> 01:35:39,323
Hey!
2253
01:35:46,455 --> 01:35:47,664
Here we go!
2254
01:35:48,415 --> 01:35:49,583
Nothin' from nothin'
2255
01:35:51,627 --> 01:35:53,712
Nothin' from nothin
Hey, now
2256
01:35:55,714 --> 01:35:56,881
Yeah
2257
01:35:56,882 --> 01:35:58,591
Ah, yeah, yeah
2258
01:35:58,592 --> 01:35:59,884
Can you get in that wig
in 30 seconds?
2259
01:35:59,885 --> 01:36:01,552
- You got it, boss.
- Has Henson got his pages?
2260
01:36:01,553 --> 01:36:02,637
He loves them.
2261
01:36:02,638 --> 01:36:04,096
- And will that crane get there?
- It'll happen.
2262
01:36:04,097 --> 01:36:06,183
- Did you trim the fat on that?
- Already on cue cards.
2263
01:36:06,600 --> 01:36:08,477
Laraine, I don't think
you can make the change in...
2264
01:36:13,106 --> 01:36:14,233
I stand corrected.
2265
01:36:14,441 --> 01:36:15,651
Is that our show?
2266
01:36:16,193 --> 01:36:18,195
- That's our show.
- Three minutes!
2267
01:36:18,570 --> 01:36:19,571
Yeah.
2268
01:36:22,783 --> 01:36:23,784
Last one.
2269
01:36:23,951 --> 01:36:26,870
- Last one. Get it in. Finally!
- Yes! Come on!
2270
01:36:31,291 --> 01:36:34,753
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston!
2271
01:37:00,320 --> 01:37:02,989
Photo! Photo! I want a photo!
Come on, family photo!
2272
01:37:02,990 --> 01:37:04,782
No, no, no. We're at
two minutes. There's no time!
2273
01:37:04,783 --> 01:37:06,367
No, come on.
It'll never be the same
2274
01:37:06,368 --> 01:37:07,952
- after this. Come on.
- Fuck!
2275
01:37:07,953 --> 01:37:10,455
I'm not leaving until I get
my photo. Come on.
2276
01:37:10,622 --> 01:37:12,332
I guess everybody go ahead then.
2277
01:37:13,542 --> 01:37:14,918
Do we have a camera?
2278
01:37:16,837 --> 01:37:17,838
- I have a camera.
- Just quickly.
2279
01:37:18,005 --> 01:37:19,381
Great. Yes! Come here.
2280
01:37:27,931 --> 01:37:30,142
All right. 60 seconds.
Come on, everyone.
2281
01:37:30,309 --> 01:37:31,810
Let's go, please.
2282
01:37:31,977 --> 01:37:33,437
- After you, after you.
- One minute. Let's go to work.
2283
01:37:39,276 --> 01:37:40,777
What are we using him for again?
2284
01:37:40,944 --> 01:37:42,821
- I don't really remember.
- Sorry.
2285
01:37:43,697 --> 01:37:44,698
Thanks.
2286
01:37:45,782 --> 01:37:47,242
Rocky, wake up.
2287
01:37:47,492 --> 01:37:48,660
Hey, hey, name.
2288
01:37:50,662 --> 01:37:52,623
Rosie, we need your last name
for the credits.
2289
01:37:53,624 --> 01:37:54,875
- Shuster.
- Shuster.
2290
01:38:00,339 --> 01:38:02,049
30 seconds!
2291
01:38:02,216 --> 01:38:04,092
Hey, can we get
a mic check, please?
2292
01:38:05,677 --> 01:38:07,429
One, two...
2293
01:38:08,305 --> 01:38:09,306
three.
2294
01:38:09,473 --> 01:38:10,891
Somebody's got the yips.
2295
01:38:11,058 --> 01:38:12,476
- 20 seconds.
- Is Carlin in costume?
2296
01:38:12,768 --> 01:38:14,520
Yep, they settled
on a T-shirt and jacket.
2297
01:38:14,686 --> 01:38:16,480
Mr. Carlin, may we get
a mic check?
2298
01:38:16,647 --> 01:38:17,689
One, two, fuck you.
2299
01:38:17,856 --> 01:38:18,857
Subtle.
2300
01:38:19,024 --> 01:38:20,234
Carson's still cued
for dead roll?
2301
01:38:20,400 --> 01:38:21,652
Are we going live
or going to tape?
2302
01:38:26,532 --> 01:38:28,325
Pre-roll on VTR-14.
2303
01:38:29,660 --> 01:38:30,661
10 seconds.
2304
01:38:32,746 --> 01:38:33,914
Ready camera two.
2305
01:38:34,373 --> 01:38:35,457
Ready on the fade.
2306
01:38:35,791 --> 01:38:36,959
{\an8}Five, four...
2307
01:38:37,125 --> 01:38:38,709
Are we going live
or going to tape?
2308
01:38:38,710 --> 01:38:40,128
...three, two...
2309
01:38:41,713 --> 01:38:42,714
Go live.
2310
01:38:42,881 --> 01:38:44,299
- Okay, go live.
- Go live. Live, live. Go live.
2311
01:38:44,466 --> 01:38:47,052
Fade up. And we are live.
2312
01:38:52,516 --> 01:38:54,101
Ready camera one.
Take camera one.
2313
01:38:54,268 --> 01:38:55,269
Cue Belushi.
2314
01:38:58,313 --> 01:38:59,356
Cue John.
2315
01:38:59,523 --> 01:39:01,108
- Where's John?
- Where the hell is he?
2316
01:39:01,275 --> 01:39:02,526
Cue John.
2317
01:39:37,686 --> 01:39:38,687
Good evening.
2318
01:39:38,854 --> 01:39:39,855
Good evening.
2319
01:39:40,397 --> 01:39:41,732
Hey, get closer.
2320
01:39:44,234 --> 01:39:46,236
Good evening.
2321
01:39:47,613 --> 01:39:49,907
Good evening.
2322
01:39:51,700 --> 01:39:53,827
Good evening.
2323
01:39:55,579 --> 01:39:56,622
Let us begin.
2324
01:39:57,206 --> 01:39:59,249
Repeat after me.
2325
01:40:01,418 --> 01:40:03,420
- "I would like...
- I would like...
2326
01:40:04,421 --> 01:40:05,797
"...to feed your fingertips...
2327
01:40:05,964 --> 01:40:07,925
...to feed your fingertips...
2328
01:40:09,384 --> 01:40:10,427
"...to the wolverines."
2329
01:40:10,594 --> 01:40:12,054
...to the wolverines.
2330
01:40:13,514 --> 01:40:16,642
- Next, "I am afraid...
- I am afraid...
2331
01:40:17,184 --> 01:40:18,185
"...we are out...
2332
01:40:18,352 --> 01:40:19,353
...we are out...
2333
01:40:19,937 --> 01:40:21,855
- "...of badgers."
- ...of badgers.
2334
01:40:23,482 --> 01:40:24,483
"Would you accept...
2335
01:40:25,108 --> 01:40:26,360
Would you accept...
2336
01:40:26,527 --> 01:40:28,403
- "...a wolverine...
- ...a wolverine...
2337
01:40:29,530 --> 01:40:31,532
- "...in its place?"
- ...in its place?
2338
01:40:33,909 --> 01:40:36,036
Next. "'Hey!' Ned exclaimed."
2339
01:40:36,537 --> 01:40:37,955
"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.
2340
01:40:41,208 --> 01:40:42,251
"Let's boil...
2341
01:40:42,417 --> 01:40:43,877
Let's boil...
2342
01:40:44,044 --> 01:40:46,505
- "...the wolverines."
- ...the wolverines.
2343
01:40:47,965 --> 01:40:48,966
Next...
2344
01:41:19,580 --> 01:41:22,374
Live from New York.
It's Saturday Night!
2345
01:48:56,703 --> 01:48:57,913
{\an8}All right, we're going
to do it again.
2346
01:48:58,080 --> 01:49:00,582
{\an8}Now we got it. Now we got it.
Go back. Go back.
161722
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