Original subtitles

Announcer: "GRIZZLY ADAMS SETS FIRE TO HIS HEAD" WILL NOT BE SEEN THIS WEEK SO THAT NBC

SETS FIRE TO HIS HEAD" WILL NOT BE SEEN THIS WEEK SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING

BE SEEN THIS WEEK SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.

MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM. [WHISTLE BLOWS]

SPECIAL PROGRAM. [WHISTLE BLOWS] OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S ROLL

[WHISTLE BLOWS] OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S ROLL 'EM UP, MOVE 'EM IN, REHEARSE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S ROLL 'EM UP, MOVE 'EM IN, REHEARSE. THE SHOW'S GETTING READY TO...

'EM UP, MOVE 'EM IN, REHEARSE. THE SHOW'S GETTING READY TO... WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BELUSHI?

THE SHOW'S GETTING READY TO... WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BELUSHI? [ALL GROANING]

WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BELUSHI? [ALL GROANING] HE'S NOT HERE.

[ALL GROANING] HE'S NOT HERE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

HE'S NOT HERE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. WAIT A MINUTE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. BELUSHI'S ABSENCE, ALL OF THIS

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. BELUSHI'S ABSENCE, ALL OF THIS MISH-MASH HERE, THIS REFLECTS AN

BELUSHI'S ABSENCE, ALL OF THIS MISH-MASH HERE, THIS REFLECTS AN ATTITUDE THAT I HAVE NOTICED ALL

MISH-MASH HERE, THIS REFLECTS AN ATTITUDE THAT I HAVE NOTICED ALL WEEK, AND THAT IS LACK OF PEP.

ATTITUDE THAT I HAVE NOTICED ALL WEEK, AND THAT IS LACK OF PEP. NOW, I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU

WEEK, AND THAT IS LACK OF PEP. NOW, I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU GUYS THIS, BECAUSE THE NETWORK

NOW, I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU GUYS THIS, BECAUSE THE NETWORK ASKED ME TO HOST THE SHOW ONLY

GUYS THIS, BECAUSE THE NETWORK ASKED ME TO HOST THE SHOW ONLY BECAUSE I COULD PUMP SOME PEP

ASKED ME TO HOST THE SHOW ONLY BECAUSE I COULD PUMP SOME PEP INTO THE SHOW.

BECAUSE I COULD PUMP SOME PEP INTO THE SHOW. NOW, IT IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT

INTO THE SHOW. NOW, IT IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT TO PUMP PEP INTO THE SHOW WHEN

NOW, IT IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT TO PUMP PEP INTO THE SHOW WHEN THE PEPPERS ARE NOT

TO PUMP PEP INTO THE SHOW WHEN THE PEPPERS ARE NOT PARTICIPATING, OKAY?

THE PEPPERS ARE NOT PARTICIPATING, OKAY? NOW, YOU ALL HAVE NOT BEEN

PARTICIPATING, OKAY? NOW, YOU ALL HAVE NOT BEEN PARTICIPATING PEPPILY.

NOW, YOU ALL HAVE NOT BEEN PARTICIPATING PEPPILY. PEP? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PEP?

PARTICIPATING PEPPILY. PEP? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PEP? I MEAN PUMPED, ENTHUSIASM,

PEP? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PEP? I MEAN PUMPED, ENTHUSIASM, ENERGY, VERVE, PIZZAZZ, YOU

I MEAN PUMPED, ENTHUSIASM, ENERGY, VERVE, PIZZAZZ, YOU KNOW.

ENERGY, VERVE, PIZZAZZ, YOU KNOW. I JUST USE "PEP" AS A CATCHALL

KNOW. I JUST USE "PEP" AS A CATCHALL PHRASE.

I JUST USE "PEP" AS A CATCHALL PHRASE. LET'S BE BRUTALLY HONEST.

PHRASE. LET'S BE BRUTALLY HONEST. I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

LET'S BE BRUTALLY HONEST. I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT IN THE EYE.

I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT IN THE EYE. BILL, LOOK IN THE EYE.

TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT IN THE EYE. BILL, LOOK IN THE EYE. CAN YOU ALL LOOK AT ME AND SAY

BILL, LOOK IN THE EYE. CAN YOU ALL LOOK AT ME AND SAY "YES, MARY KAY, YES, I HAVE BEEN

CAN YOU ALL LOOK AT ME AND SAY "YES, MARY KAY, YES, I HAVE BEEN AS PEPPY AS POSSIBLE THIS WEEK,"

"YES, MARY KAY, YES, I HAVE BEEN AS PEPPY AS POSSIBLE THIS WEEK," HMM?

AS PEPPY AS POSSIBLE THIS WEEK," HMM? I, FOR ONE, CAN'T.

HMM? I, FOR ONE, CAN'T. I'M SORRY.

I, FOR ONE, CAN'T. I'M SORRY. WELL, I TRIED.

I'M SORRY. WELL, I TRIED. I'VE HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL

WELL, I TRIED. I'VE HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL PROBLEMS, MARY KAY.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL PROBLEMS, MARY KAY. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

PROBLEMS, MARY KAY. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. HERE'S BELUSHI.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. HERE'S BELUSHI. THANKS FOR SHOWING UP.

HERE'S BELUSHI. THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. JOHN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. JOHN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, AND WHERE HAS YOUR PEP BEEN?

JOHN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, AND WHERE HAS YOUR PEP BEEN? PEP?

AND WHERE HAS YOUR PEP BEEN? PEP? MM-HMM.

PEP? MM-HMM. DID YOU SAY PEP?

MM-HMM. DID YOU SAY PEP? YEAH, I SAID PEP.

DID YOU SAY PEP? YEAH, I SAID PEP. THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN.

YEAH, I SAID PEP. THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN. SHE SAID PEP.

THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN. SHE SAID PEP. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT SHE

SHE SAID PEP. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT SHE SAID... PEP.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT SHE SAID... PEP. WHY SHOULD I HAVE PEP? WHY?

SAID... PEP. WHY SHOULD I HAVE PEP? WHY? I'M FORCED TO WEAR THIS

WHY SHOULD I HAVE PEP? WHY? I'M FORCED TO WEAR THIS CHEERLEADER OUTFIT.

I'M FORCED TO WEAR THIS CHEERLEADER OUTFIT. IT'S A STUPID OUTFIT.

CHEERLEADER OUTFIT. IT'S A STUPID OUTFIT. I HATE THIS WHOLE CHEERLEADER

IT'S A STUPID OUTFIT. I HATE THIS WHOLE CHEERLEADER METAPHOR.

I HATE THIS WHOLE CHEERLEADER METAPHOR. OH.

METAPHOR. OH. WHO THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA,

OH. WHO THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA, ANYWAY... DANNY?

WHO THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA, ANYWAY... DANNY? IT WAS MY IDEA.

ANYWAY... DANNY? IT WAS MY IDEA. BUT THE NETWORK MADE ME DO IT.

IT WAS MY IDEA. BUT THE NETWORK MADE ME DO IT. I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

BUT THE NETWORK MADE ME DO IT. I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA. THERE REALLY ISN'T ENOUGH PEP

I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA. THERE REALLY ISN'T ENOUGH PEP AROUND HERE, JOHN, AND YOU'RE

THERE REALLY ISN'T ENOUGH PEP AROUND HERE, JOHN, AND YOU'RE THE NUMBER-ONE OFFENDER.

AROUND HERE, JOHN, AND YOU'RE THE NUMBER-ONE OFFENDER. YOU'VE BEEN A DISCIPLINARY

THE NUMBER-ONE OFFENDER. YOU'VE BEEN A DISCIPLINARY PROBLEM SINCE THE SHOW BEGAN.

YOU'VE BEEN A DISCIPLINARY PROBLEM SINCE THE SHOW BEGAN. WELL, I THINK YOU'RE BOTH

PROBLEM SINCE THE SHOW BEGAN. WELL, I THINK YOU'RE BOTH FASCISTS.

WELL, I THINK YOU'RE BOTH FASCISTS. THERE IS NOTHING FASCIST

FASCISTS. THERE IS NOTHING FASCIST ABOUT PEP!

THERE IS NOTHING FASCIST ABOUT PEP! I MEAN, YOU CAN GO TO ANY

ABOUT PEP! I MEAN, YOU CAN GO TO ANY FASCIST COUNTRY AND THERE'S

I MEAN, YOU CAN GO TO ANY FASCIST COUNTRY AND THERE'S HARDLY ANY PEP THERE AT ALL!

FASCIST COUNTRY AND THERE'S HARDLY ANY PEP THERE AT ALL! YEAH.

HARDLY ANY PEP THERE AT ALL! YEAH. LOOK, I JUST THINK THIS WHOLE

YEAH. LOOK, I JUST THINK THIS WHOLE PEP THING IS REALLY STUPID AND

LOOK, I JUST THINK THIS WHOLE PEP THING IS REALLY STUPID AND LAME, THAT'S ALL, OKAY?

PEP THING IS REALLY STUPID AND LAME, THAT'S ALL, OKAY? OKAY. OKAY, FINE.

LAME, THAT'S ALL, OKAY? OKAY. OKAY, FINE. IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, I

OKAY. OKAY, FINE. IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT THE

IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT THE NETWORK ASKED ME TO DO.

WAS JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT THE NETWORK ASKED ME TO DO. I WAS JUST TRYING TO PEP THINGS

NETWORK ASKED ME TO DO. I WAS JUST TRYING TO PEP THINGS UP.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO PEP THINGS UP. I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE FOR THIS

UP. I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE FOR THIS SHOW, LACK OF PEP IS BEST.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE FOR THIS SHOW, LACK OF PEP IS BEST. I'M SORRY.

SHOW, LACK OF PEP IS BEST. I'M SORRY. I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD JOB.

I'M SORRY. I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD JOB. NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, MAN.

I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD JOB. NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, MAN. YOU MADE THE HOST CRY!

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, MAN. YOU MADE THE HOST CRY! GEE, I'M SORRY, MARY KAY,

YOU MADE THE HOST CRY! GEE, I'M SORRY, MARY KAY, REALLY.

GEE, I'M SORRY, MARY KAY, REALLY. I'M SORRY I MADE YOU CRY.

REALLY. I'M SORRY I MADE YOU CRY. YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY?

I'M SORRY I MADE YOU CRY. YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY? YEAH, I GUESS SO.

YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY? YEAH, I GUESS SO. I'LL TELL YOU, MARY KAY.

YEAH, I GUESS SO. I'LL TELL YOU, MARY KAY. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT PEP.

I'LL TELL YOU, MARY KAY. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT PEP. MAYBE I HAVEN'T GIVEN PEP ENOUGH

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT PEP. MAYBE I HAVEN'T GIVEN PEP ENOUGH THOUGHT THESE PAST 15 YEARS OR

MAYBE I HAVEN'T GIVEN PEP ENOUGH THOUGHT THESE PAST 15 YEARS OR SO.

THOUGHT THESE PAST 15 YEARS OR SO. YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF EVERYBODY HAD

SO. YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF EVERYBODY HAD A LITTLE MORE PEP, THERE WOULD

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF EVERYBODY HAD A LITTLE MORE PEP, THERE WOULD BE LESS SUFFERING IN THE WORLD,

A LITTLE MORE PEP, THERE WOULD BE LESS SUFFERING IN THE WORLD, DON'T YOU THINK?

BE LESS SUFFERING IN THE WORLD, DON'T YOU THINK? MAYBE, YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK? MAYBE, YEAH. SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, LET'S

MAYBE, YEAH. SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, LET'S MAKE THIS THE PEPPIEST SHOW

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, LET'S MAKE THIS THE PEPPIEST SHOW EVER?

MAKE THIS THE PEPPIEST SHOW EVER? WHAT DO YOU SAY, GANG?!

EVER? WHAT DO YOU SAY, GANG?! ALL RIGHT! LET'S DO IT!

WHAT DO YOU SAY, GANG?! ALL RIGHT! LET'S DO IT! WHAT DO YOU SAY, MARY KAY?

ALL RIGHT! LET'S DO IT! WHAT DO YOU SAY, MARY KAY? I SAY LET'S START THE SHOW.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, MARY KAY? I SAY LET'S START THE SHOW. [BLOWS WHISTLE]

I SAY LET'S START THE SHOW. [BLOWS WHISTLE] [ALL CHEERING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE] [ALL CHEERING] [MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS] JOHN! JANE!

JOHN! JANE! BILL!

JANE! BILL! GARRETT!

BILL! GARRETT! DANNY!

GARRETT! DANNY! GILDA!

DANNY! GILDA! LARAINE!

GILDA! LARAINE! OKAY!

LARAINE! OKAY! JUMP TO THE LEFT, JUMP TO THE

OKAY! JUMP TO THE LEFT, JUMP TO THE RIGHT...

JUMP TO THE LEFT, JUMP TO THE RIGHT... All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

RIGHT... All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS] Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

[BAND PLAYS] Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"...

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"... STARRING...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MARY KAY PLACE!

WHOO! NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE WITH THOSE C-JUMPS.

NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE WITH THOSE C-JUMPS. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THINGS HAVE

WITH THOSE C-JUMPS. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK IN

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK.

HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK. IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY,

NEW YORK. IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY, MADCAP, WACKY KIND OF WEEK FOR

IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY, MADCAP, WACKY KIND OF WEEK FOR ME.

MADCAP, WACKY KIND OF WEEK FOR ME. A LOT OF NEW EXPERIENCES, A LOT

ME. A LOT OF NEW EXPERIENCES, A LOT OF NEW FEELINGS, AND SOME THAT I

A LOT OF NEW EXPERIENCES, A LOT OF NEW FEELINGS, AND SOME THAT I THOUGHT I WANTED TO RECORD AND

OF NEW FEELINGS, AND SOME THAT I THOUGHT I WANTED TO RECORD AND WRITE DOWN.

THOUGHT I WANTED TO RECORD AND WRITE DOWN. KIND OF LIKE KEEPING A DIARY

WRITE DOWN. KIND OF LIKE KEEPING A DIARY AGAIN, AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT I

KIND OF LIKE KEEPING A DIARY AGAIN, AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T FELT THE NEED TO

AGAIN, AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T FELT THE NEED TO DO SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

REALLY HAVEN'T FELT THE NEED TO DO SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. AND I GUESS ADOLESCENCE AND LIVE

DO SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. AND I GUESS ADOLESCENCE AND LIVE TELEVISION HAVE A LOT IN COMMON

AND I GUESS ADOLESCENCE AND LIVE TELEVISION HAVE A LOT IN COMMON THERE, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH

TELEVISION HAVE A LOT IN COMMON THERE, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH POTENTIALLY VERY EMBARRASSING.

THERE, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH POTENTIALLY VERY EMBARRASSING. THE LAST ENTRY IN MY DIARY

POTENTIALLY VERY EMBARRASSING. THE LAST ENTRY IN MY DIARY BEFORE THIS WEEK WAS FEBRUARY

THE LAST ENTRY IN MY DIARY BEFORE THIS WEEK WAS FEBRUARY 1961.

BEFORE THIS WEEK WAS FEBRUARY 1961. NOW, THIS IS THE ACTUAL DIARY

1961. NOW, THIS IS THE ACTUAL DIARY THAT I KEPT IN 8th GRADE.

NOW, THIS IS THE ACTUAL DIARY THAT I KEPT IN 8th GRADE. NIGHTLY NOTES ON MY DAILY

THAT I KEPT IN 8th GRADE. NIGHTLY NOTES ON MY DAILY DOINGS.

NIGHTLY NOTES ON MY DAILY DOINGS. I WILL NOW READ FROM THE

DOINGS. I WILL NOW READ FROM THE 8th-GRADE DIARY.

I WILL NOW READ FROM THE 8th-GRADE DIARY. IF I CAN ONLY FIND THE PLACE.

8th-GRADE DIARY. IF I CAN ONLY FIND THE PLACE. HERE WE GO.

IF I CAN ONLY FIND THE PLACE. HERE WE GO. "DEAR DIARY, MADE AN

HERE WE GO. "DEAR DIARY, MADE AN EXTRA-CREDIT POSTER IN ENGLISH

"DEAR DIARY, MADE AN EXTRA-CREDIT POSTER IN ENGLISH ON COMMAS.

EXTRA-CREDIT POSTER IN ENGLISH ON COMMAS. [LAUGHTER]

ON COMMAS. [LAUGHTER] GUESS WHAT?

[LAUGHTER] GUESS WHAT? GIRLS' LEADER COURSE GOING TO

GUESS WHAT? GIRLS' LEADER COURSE GOING TO HAVE A SOCK HOP.

GIRLS' LEADER COURSE GOING TO HAVE A SOCK HOP. NEATO, EH?

HAVE A SOCK HOP. NEATO, EH? NATURALLY, I'D LOVE TO ASK ROB,

NEATO, EH? NATURALLY, I'D LOVE TO ASK ROB, BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO WITH

NATURALLY, I'D LOVE TO ASK ROB, BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO WITH ME.

BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO WITH ME. OH, HE'S SO CUTE.

ME. OH, HE'S SO CUTE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CREATE THEM

OH, HE'S SO CUTE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CREATE THEM LIKE THAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CREATE THEM LIKE THAT. [LAUGHTER]

LIKE THAT. [LAUGHTER] WENT SHOPPING AND FINALLY GOT A

[LAUGHTER] WENT SHOPPING AND FINALLY GOT A CIRCLE PIN AND A NEW

WENT SHOPPING AND FINALLY GOT A CIRCLE PIN AND A NEW AUTOGRAPH HOUND."

CIRCLE PIN AND A NEW AUTOGRAPH HOUND." BLESS MY LITTLE HEART.

AUTOGRAPH HOUND." BLESS MY LITTLE HEART. "DEAR DIARY, LOST COMMA POSTER.

BLESS MY LITTLE HEART. "DEAR DIARY, LOST COMMA POSTER. WILL MAKE NEW ONE ON QUESTION

"DEAR DIARY, LOST COMMA POSTER. WILL MAKE NEW ONE ON QUESTION MARKS AND SEMICOLONS.

WILL MAKE NEW ONE ON QUESTION MARKS AND SEMICOLONS. BUT THE BIG NEWS IS THIS... I

MARKS AND SEMICOLONS. BUT THE BIG NEWS IS THIS... I ASKED GAIL IF SHE WOULD ASK BILL

BUT THE BIG NEWS IS THIS... I ASKED GAIL IF SHE WOULD ASK BILL IF HE WOULD ASK ROB IF HE WOULD

ASKED GAIL IF SHE WOULD ASK BILL IF HE WOULD ASK ROB IF HE WOULD EVEN CONSIDER GOING WITH ME TO

IF HE WOULD ASK ROB IF HE WOULD EVEN CONSIDER GOING WITH ME TO THE LEADER COURSE SOCK HOP.

EVEN CONSIDER GOING WITH ME TO THE LEADER COURSE SOCK HOP. SHE DID, AND GUESS WHAT?

THE LEADER COURSE SOCK HOP. SHE DID, AND GUESS WHAT? GAIL SAID THAT ROB SAID THAT

SHE DID, AND GUESS WHAT? GAIL SAID THAT ROB SAID THAT BILL SAID... RATHER, GAIL SAID

GAIL SAID THAT ROB SAID THAT BILL SAID... RATHER, GAIL SAID THAT BILL SAID THAT ROB SAID

BILL SAID... RATHER, GAIL SAID THAT BILL SAID THAT ROB SAID YES.

THAT BILL SAID THAT ROB SAID YES. OH!

YES. OH! FOUND TERRIF NEW NAIL POLISH.

OH! FOUND TERRIF NEW NAIL POLISH. PASSIONATELY PINK.

FOUND TERRIF NEW NAIL POLISH. PASSIONATELY PINK. GREAT IN STORE BUT THROW-UP-EY

PASSIONATELY PINK. GREAT IN STORE BUT THROW-UP-EY AT HOME."

GREAT IN STORE BUT THROW-UP-EY AT HOME." "DEAR DIARY, TOMORROW I AM GOING

AT HOME." "DEAR DIARY, TOMORROW I AM GOING TO ASK ROB.

"DEAR DIARY, TOMORROW I AM GOING TO ASK ROB. WHAT A BABE AND A HALF!

TO ASK ROB. WHAT A BABE AND A HALF! OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE MOM

WHAT A BABE AND A HALF! OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE MOM WON'T LET ME GO SEE 'PSYCHO.'

OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE MOM WON'T LET ME GO SEE 'PSYCHO.' WHAT A SPAZ."

WON'T LET ME GO SEE 'PSYCHO.' WHAT A SPAZ." "DEAR DIARY, BABE AND A HALF MY

WHAT A SPAZ." "DEAR DIARY, BABE AND A HALF MY FOOT.

"DEAR DIARY, BABE AND A HALF MY FOOT. ROB CAN'T GO, AND YOU KNOW WHY?

FOOT. ROB CAN'T GO, AND YOU KNOW WHY? GET THIS... BILL SAYS, HE COMES

ROB CAN'T GO, AND YOU KNOW WHY? GET THIS... BILL SAYS, HE COMES UP TO ME AND HE SAYS, 'DON'T ASK

GET THIS... BILL SAYS, HE COMES UP TO ME AND HE SAYS, 'DON'T ASK ROB TO THE PARTY, MARY KAY,

UP TO ME AND HE SAYS, 'DON'T ASK ROB TO THE PARTY, MARY KAY, BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO

ROB TO THE PARTY, MARY KAY, BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO WITH YOU.

BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO WITH YOU. HE WON'T GO WITH YOU.'

WITH YOU. HE WON'T GO WITH YOU.' GOD, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED, I

HE WON'T GO WITH YOU.' GOD, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

GOD, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE! I MEAN, I ABOUT HAD A COW!

THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE! I MEAN, I ABOUT HAD A COW! THAT REALLY WRECKS ME UP.

I MEAN, I ABOUT HAD A COW! THAT REALLY WRECKS ME UP. I THINK I'LL JUST DIE."

THAT REALLY WRECKS ME UP. I THINK I'LL JUST DIE." WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I THINK I'LL JUST DIE." WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT. PATHETIC LITTLE TEEN TRAUMA FROM

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT. PATHETIC LITTLE TEEN TRAUMA FROM YESTERYEAR.

PATHETIC LITTLE TEEN TRAUMA FROM YESTERYEAR. I GUESS NONE OF US REALLY KNEW

YESTERYEAR. I GUESS NONE OF US REALLY KNEW WAY BACK THEN WHEN I WAS IN 8th

I GUESS NONE OF US REALLY KNEW WAY BACK THEN WHEN I WAS IN 8th GRADE, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, ROB,

WAY BACK THEN WHEN I WAS IN 8th GRADE, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, ROB, IF YOU'RE WATCHING AT HOME

GRADE, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, ROB, IF YOU'RE WATCHING AT HOME TONIGHT, THAT SOMEDAY, THAT SAME

IF YOU'RE WATCHING AT HOME TONIGHT, THAT SOMEDAY, THAT SAME LITTLE GAL YOU SO BRUTALLY

TONIGHT, THAT SOMEDAY, THAT SAME LITTLE GAL YOU SO BRUTALLY REFUSED TO ESCORT TO THE SOCK

LITTLE GAL YOU SO BRUTALLY REFUSED TO ESCORT TO THE SOCK HOP WOULD ONE DAY BE ASKED TO

REFUSED TO ESCORT TO THE SOCK HOP WOULD ONE DAY BE ASKED TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND

HOP WOULD ONE DAY BE ASKED TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND BE PAID A PRETTY PENNY FOR IT,

HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND BE PAID A PRETTY PENNY FOR IT, TOO, ROB.

BE PAID A PRETTY PENNY FOR IT, TOO, ROB. AND ANOTHER THING, ROB.

TOO, ROB. AND ANOTHER THING, ROB. DANNY AYKROYD HAS BEEN KIND OF

AND ANOTHER THING, ROB. DANNY AYKROYD HAS BEEN KIND OF HITTING ON ME ALL WEEK, AND NOT

DANNY AYKROYD HAS BEEN KIND OF HITTING ON ME ALL WEEK, AND NOT UNSUCCESSFULLY.

HITTING ON ME ALL WEEK, AND NOT UNSUCCESSFULLY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

UNSUCCESSFULLY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

Announcer: NOT ALL WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT. SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A

LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT. SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING.

SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING. THAT'S WHY OLFAB CREATED

LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING. THAT'S WHY OLFAB CREATED HEY, YOU!

THAT'S WHY OLFAB CREATED HEY, YOU! JUST ONE WHIFF DOES THE TRICK,

HEY, YOU! JUST ONE WHIFF DOES THE TRICK, FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU

JUST ONE WHIFF DOES THE TRICK, FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE.

FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE. HEY, YOU!

CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE. HEY, YOU! THE SCENT YOU CAN'T IGNORE.

HEY, YOU!

Announcer: HEY, YOU! FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE YOU NEVER EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN.

HEY, YOU! THE PERFUME FOR ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

GOOD EVENING. WELCOME TO "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY ABOUT."

WELCOME TO "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY ABOUT." I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.

WORRY ABOUT." I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN. TONIGHT'S GUEST IS A HIGHLY

I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN. TONIGHT'S GUEST IS A HIGHLY REGARDED SPECIALIST ON DANGEROUS

TONIGHT'S GUEST IS A HIGHLY REGARDED SPECIALIST ON DANGEROUS INSECTS... DR. HASKELL LACK.

REGARDED SPECIALIST ON DANGEROUS INSECTS... DR. HASKELL LACK. AND HE'S MADE SOME STARTLING

INSECTS... DR. HASKELL LACK. AND HE'S MADE SOME STARTLING DISCOVERIES CONCERNING THE

AND HE'S MADE SOME STARTLING DISCOVERIES CONCERNING THE HORRORS LYING IN WAIT FOR US IN

DISCOVERIES CONCERNING THE HORRORS LYING IN WAIT FOR US IN THE INSECT WORLD.

HORRORS LYING IN WAIT FOR US IN THE INSECT WORLD. THANK YOU, JANE.

THE INSECT WORLD. THANK YOU, JANE. I'M SURE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE

THANK YOU, JANE. I'M SURE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE OF THE DANGER ALREADY POSED BY

I'M SURE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE OF THE DANGER ALREADY POSED BY SUCH INSECTS AS THE SOUTH

OF THE DANGER ALREADY POSED BY SUCH INSECTS AS THE SOUTH AMERICAN KILLER BEE, THE

SUCH INSECTS AS THE SOUTH AMERICAN KILLER BEE, THE SEVEN-YEAR LOCUST, AND THE

AMERICAN KILLER BEE, THE SEVEN-YEAR LOCUST, AND THE TSETSE FLY AND SO ON.

SEVEN-YEAR LOCUST, AND THE TSETSE FLY AND SO ON. BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE AWARE

TSETSE FLY AND SO ON. BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE AWARE THAT IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, THE

BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE AWARE THAT IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, THE LENS BEETLE COULD INFEST EVERY

THAT IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, THE LENS BEETLE COULD INFEST EVERY CORNER OF THIS CONTINENT?

LENS BEETLE COULD INFEST EVERY CORNER OF THIS CONTINENT? THE LENS BEETLE?

CORNER OF THIS CONTINENT? THE LENS BEETLE? YES.

THE LENS BEETLE? YES. IT'S AN AFRICAN INSECT IN THE

YES. IT'S AN AFRICAN INSECT IN THE ORDER COLEOPTERA, OFTEN CALLED

IT'S AN AFRICAN INSECT IN THE ORDER COLEOPTERA, OFTEN CALLED THE EYESUCKER.

ORDER COLEOPTERA, OFTEN CALLED THE EYESUCKER. THE INSECT'S NAME COMES FROM THE

THE EYESUCKER. THE INSECT'S NAME COMES FROM THE FACT THAT THE PREGNANT FEMALE

THE INSECT'S NAME COMES FROM THE FACT THAT THE PREGNANT FEMALE CAN ONLY HATCH HER EGGS WHILE

FACT THAT THE PREGNANT FEMALE CAN ONLY HATCH HER EGGS WHILE NESTLED BETWEEN THE HUMAN

CAN ONLY HATCH HER EGGS WHILE NESTLED BETWEEN THE HUMAN EYEBALL AND THE CONTACT LENS.

NESTLED BETWEEN THE HUMAN EYEBALL AND THE CONTACT LENS. REALLY?

EYEBALL AND THE CONTACT LENS. REALLY? YES, UNDER THE PROTECTIVE

REALLY? YES, UNDER THE PROTECTIVE COVER OF THE LENS, THE FEMALE

YES, UNDER THE PROTECTIVE COVER OF THE LENS, THE FEMALE UNLOADS HER EGGS IN A WRITHING

COVER OF THE LENS, THE FEMALE UNLOADS HER EGGS IN A WRITHING FIT, THEN TIGHTLY WEAVES THE

UNLOADS HER EGGS IN A WRITHING FIT, THEN TIGHTLY WEAVES THE UPPER AND LOWER LASHES TOGETHER.

FIT, THEN TIGHTLY WEAVES THE UPPER AND LOWER LASHES TOGETHER. THE VICTIM'S EYES REMAIN SHUT

UPPER AND LOWER LASHES TOGETHER. THE VICTIM'S EYES REMAIN SHUT FOR THE ENTIRE GESTATION PERIOD,

THE VICTIM'S EYES REMAIN SHUT FOR THE ENTIRE GESTATION PERIOD, WHICH COULD GO ON FOR MONTHS.

FOR THE ENTIRE GESTATION PERIOD, WHICH COULD GO ON FOR MONTHS. OH, THAT'S FASCINATING.

WHICH COULD GO ON FOR MONTHS. OH, THAT'S FASCINATING. DO THEY ALSO MATE IN THE

OH, THAT'S FASCINATING. DO THEY ALSO MATE IN THE EYEBALLS?

DO THEY ALSO MATE IN THE EYEBALLS? NO.

EYEBALLS? NO. ALL MATING IS CONDUCTED IN THE

NO. ALL MATING IS CONDUCTED IN THE WARMTH OF THE VICTIM'S

ALL MATING IS CONDUCTED IN THE WARMTH OF THE VICTIM'S UNDERWEAR IN A MASS RITUAL

WARMTH OF THE VICTIM'S UNDERWEAR IN A MASS RITUAL ATTENDED BY THE ENTIRE BEETLE

UNDERWEAR IN A MASS RITUAL ATTENDED BY THE ENTIRE BEETLE COLONY.

ATTENDED BY THE ENTIRE BEETLE COLONY. AFTER A LONG TREK FROM THE EYES

COLONY. AFTER A LONG TREK FROM THE EYES DOWN TO THE TORSO, THE MATURE

AFTER A LONG TREK FROM THE EYES DOWN TO THE TORSO, THE MATURE BEETLES BEGIN THE MATING PROCESS

DOWN TO THE TORSO, THE MATURE BEETLES BEGIN THE MATING PROCESS BY SECRETING A SUBSTANCE NOT

BEETLES BEGIN THE MATING PROCESS BY SECRETING A SUBSTANCE NOT UNLIKE OUR OWN KRAZY GLUE...

BY SECRETING A SUBSTANCE NOT UNLIKE OUR OWN KRAZY GLUE... WHICH SEALS THE ELASTIC EDGES OF

UNLIKE OUR OWN KRAZY GLUE... WHICH SEALS THE ELASTIC EDGES OF THE UNDERWEAR TO THE FLESH.

WHICH SEALS THE ELASTIC EDGES OF THE UNDERWEAR TO THE FLESH. WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY DO

THE UNDERWEAR TO THE FLESH. WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY DO THEY DO THIS?

WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY DO THEY DO THIS? STRICTLY FOR PRIVACY.

THEY DO THIS? STRICTLY FOR PRIVACY. AH.

STRICTLY FOR PRIVACY. AH. THEN THE MATING BEGINS.

AH. THEN THE MATING BEGINS. AFTER IT'S OVER, EACH MALE

THEN THE MATING BEGINS. AFTER IT'S OVER, EACH MALE BEETLE WILL ATTACH THEMSELF TO A

AFTER IT'S OVER, EACH MALE BEETLE WILL ATTACH THEMSELF TO A SINGLE ABDOMINAL HAIR WITH HIS

BEETLE WILL ATTACH THEMSELF TO A SINGLE ABDOMINAL HAIR WITH HIS CORKSCREW BEAK, THEN SIMPLY

SINGLE ABDOMINAL HAIR WITH HIS CORKSCREW BEAK, THEN SIMPLY SPINS HIMSELF TO DEATH.

CORKSCREW BEAK, THEN SIMPLY SPINS HIMSELF TO DEATH. THE WHIRRING CAN BE HEARD UP TO

SPINS HIMSELF TO DEATH. THE WHIRRING CAN BE HEARD UP TO 50 FEET AWAY.

THE WHIRRING CAN BE HEARD UP TO 50 FEET AWAY. IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING.

50 FEET AWAY. IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING. OH, THAT'S REALLY AWFUL.

IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING. OH, THAT'S REALLY AWFUL. YEAH, THE IRONY OF THIS IS

OH, THAT'S REALLY AWFUL. YEAH, THE IRONY OF THIS IS THAT THE MALES DIE LONG BEFORE

YEAH, THE IRONY OF THIS IS THAT THE MALES DIE LONG BEFORE GETTING AROUND TO BREAKING THE

THAT THE MALES DIE LONG BEFORE GETTING AROUND TO BREAKING THE SEAL THEY'VE PLACED ALONG THE

GETTING AROUND TO BREAKING THE SEAL THEY'VE PLACED ALONG THE SEAMS OF THE UNDERPANTS.

SEAL THEY'VE PLACED ALONG THE SEAMS OF THE UNDERPANTS. WHEN IT FINALLY DOES WEAR DOWN

SEAMS OF THE UNDERPANTS. WHEN IT FINALLY DOES WEAR DOWN SOME MONTHS LATER, THE FEMALES

WHEN IT FINALLY DOES WEAR DOWN SOME MONTHS LATER, THE FEMALES GO OFF AND LAY THEIR EGGS IN THE

SOME MONTHS LATER, THE FEMALES GO OFF AND LAY THEIR EGGS IN THE EYES.

GO OFF AND LAY THEIR EGGS IN THE EYES. AS A SCIENTIST, I RESPECT NATURE

EYES. AS A SCIENTIST, I RESPECT NATURE AND HER LAWS.

AS A SCIENTIST, I RESPECT NATURE AND HER LAWS. BUT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.

AND HER LAWS. BUT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. AND YOU SAY THESE BEETLES

BUT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. AND YOU SAY THESE BEETLES WILL SOON MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE

AND YOU SAY THESE BEETLES WILL SOON MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE IN NORTH AMERICA?

WILL SOON MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE IN NORTH AMERICA? THEY'RE ALREADY

IN NORTH AMERICA? THEY'RE ALREADY WELL-ESTABLISHED IN THE

THEY'RE ALREADY WELL-ESTABLISHED IN THE CARIBBEAN AND ARE MOVING

WELL-ESTABLISHED IN THE CARIBBEAN AND ARE MOVING NORTHWARD AT THE RATE OF 200

CARIBBEAN AND ARE MOVING NORTHWARD AT THE RATE OF 200 MILES A YEAR.

NORTHWARD AT THE RATE OF 200 MILES A YEAR. WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE

MILES A YEAR. WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE INSECTICIDES WILL DO ANY GOOD?

WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE INSECTICIDES WILL DO ANY GOOD? DO THEY HAVE ANY NATURAL

INSECTICIDES WILL DO ANY GOOD? DO THEY HAVE ANY NATURAL ENEMIES?

DO THEY HAVE ANY NATURAL ENEMIES? NOT A ONE, JANE.

ENEMIES? NOT A ONE, JANE. YOU KNOW, WE HUMANS MAY NOT LIKE

NOT A ONE, JANE. YOU KNOW, WE HUMANS MAY NOT LIKE THEM, BUT WITHIN THE INSECT

YOU KNOW, WE HUMANS MAY NOT LIKE THEM, BUT WITHIN THE INSECT WORLD, THESE BEETLES ARE AMONG

THEM, BUT WITHIN THE INSECT WORLD, THESE BEETLES ARE AMONG THE BEST-LIKED AND MOST

WORLD, THESE BEETLES ARE AMONG THE BEST-LIKED AND MOST RESPECTED CREATURES AROUND.

THE BEST-LIKED AND MOST RESPECTED CREATURES AROUND. THESE BUGS ARE COMING, JANE, AND

RESPECTED CREATURES AROUND. THESE BUGS ARE COMING, JANE, AND WE'RE GONNA BE IN A LOT OF

THESE BUGS ARE COMING, JANE, AND WE'RE GONNA BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE WHEN THEY DO.

WE'RE GONNA BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE WHEN THEY DO. WELL, DR. LACK, SURELY WE CAN

TROUBLE WHEN THEY DO. WELL, DR. LACK, SURELY WE CAN DEAL WITH ONE STRAIN OF BEETLE.

WELL, DR. LACK, SURELY WE CAN DEAL WITH ONE STRAIN OF BEETLE. YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF

DEAL WITH ONE STRAIN OF BEETLE. YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT, JANE.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT, JANE. EVEN IF WE SUCCEED IN STOPPING

IT, JANE. EVEN IF WE SUCCEED IN STOPPING THE LENS BEETLE, BY EARLY 1980,

EVEN IF WE SUCCEED IN STOPPING THE LENS BEETLE, BY EARLY 1980, WE'LL BE SURROUNDED BY FUNNY

THE LENS BEETLE, BY EARLY 1980, WE'LL BE SURROUNDED BY FUNNY ANTS.

WE'LL BE SURROUNDED BY FUNNY ANTS. WELL, WE'RE VERY SHORT OF

ANTS. WELL, WE'RE VERY SHORT OF TIME, DR. LACK, BUT COULD YOU

WELL, WE'RE VERY SHORT OF TIME, DR. LACK, BUT COULD YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY FUNNY

TIME, DR. LACK, BUT COULD YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY FUNNY ANTS?

EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY FUNNY ANTS? THE SO-CALLED FUNNY ANTS ARE

ANTS? THE SO-CALLED FUNNY ANTS ARE GANGS OF IMMATURE BLACK ANTS WHO

THE SO-CALLED FUNNY ANTS ARE GANGS OF IMMATURE BLACK ANTS WHO THINK THEY'RE REAL FUNNY.

GANGS OF IMMATURE BLACK ANTS WHO THINK THEY'RE REAL FUNNY. THEY TRY TO WIN THE APPROVAL OF

THINK THEY'RE REAL FUNNY. THEY TRY TO WIN THE APPROVAL OF OTHER INSECTS WITH ALL SORTS OF

THEY TRY TO WIN THE APPROVAL OF OTHER INSECTS WITH ALL SORTS OF SOPHOMORIC TRICKS AND PRACTICAL

OTHER INSECTS WITH ALL SORTS OF SOPHOMORIC TRICKS AND PRACTICAL JOKES, USUALLY DIRECTED TOWARD

SOPHOMORIC TRICKS AND PRACTICAL JOKES, USUALLY DIRECTED TOWARD HUMANS.

JOKES, USUALLY DIRECTED TOWARD HUMANS. IN THE COURSE OF MY RESEARCH, I

HUMANS. IN THE COURSE OF MY RESEARCH, I ONCE WATCHED A COLONY OF 200

IN THE COURSE OF MY RESEARCH, I ONCE WATCHED A COLONY OF 200 ANTS CARRYING A BAG OF DOG DOO

ONCE WATCHED A COLONY OF 200 ANTS CARRYING A BAG OF DOG DOO FOR A DISTANCE OF SIX BLOCKS.

ANTS CARRYING A BAG OF DOG DOO FOR A DISTANCE OF SIX BLOCKS. EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK...

FOR A DISTANCE OF SIX BLOCKS. EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK... I WATCHED THEM LAY THE BAG AT

EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK... I WATCHED THEM LAY THE BAG AT SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP, LIGHT IT ON

I WATCHED THEM LAY THE BAG AT SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP, LIGHT IT ON FIRE, THEN STAND ON EACH OTHER'S

SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP, LIGHT IT ON FIRE, THEN STAND ON EACH OTHER'S SHOULDER TILL THEY REACHED THE

FIRE, THEN STAND ON EACH OTHER'S SHOULDER TILL THEY REACHED THE DOORBELL.

SHOULDER TILL THEY REACHED THE DOORBELL. EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK, WE ARE

DOORBELL. EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK, WE ARE OUT OF TIME.

EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK, WE ARE OUT OF TIME. HAVE YOU EVER STOOD THERE AND

OUT OF TIME. HAVE YOU EVER STOOD THERE AND BEEN LAUGHED AT BY A GROUP OF

HAVE YOU EVER STOOD THERE AND BEEN LAUGHED AT BY A GROUP OF ANTS?

BEEN LAUGHED AT BY A GROUP OF ANTS? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?

ANTS? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE? THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE? THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING WITH YOU. THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU.

THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING WITH YOU. THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING. THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING. THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION OF "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY

THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION OF "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY ABOUT."

OF "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY ABOUT." THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

[Southern accent] OKAY, GALS, ARE Y'ALL READY TO BEGIN CLASS?

GALS, ARE Y'ALL READY TO BEGIN CLASS? DICKIE NELL, LURLENE, GAYVETTE,

CLASS? DICKIE NELL, LURLENE, GAYVETTE, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO REITERATE

DICKIE NELL, LURLENE, GAYVETTE, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO REITERATE THAT TOTAL WOMANHOOD HAS WORKED

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO REITERATE THAT TOTAL WOMANHOOD HAS WORKED FOR ME, MARIBEL MORGAN, AND

THAT TOTAL WOMANHOOD HAS WORKED FOR ME, MARIBEL MORGAN, AND IT WILL WORK FOR YOU.

FOR ME, MARIBEL MORGAN, AND IT WILL WORK FOR YOU. I DO BELIEVE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE

IT WILL WORK FOR YOU. I DO BELIEVE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ANY WIFE TO HAVE HER HUSBAND

I DO BELIEVE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ANY WIFE TO HAVE HER HUSBAND ABSOLUTELY ADORE HER IN JUST A

FOR ANY WIFE TO HAVE HER HUSBAND ABSOLUTELY ADORE HER IN JUST A FEW WEEKS' TIME IF SHE IS

ABSOLUTELY ADORE HER IN JUST A FEW WEEKS' TIME IF SHE IS WILLING TO GIVE UP BEING A

FEW WEEKS' TIME IF SHE IS WILLING TO GIVE UP BEING A PERSON.

WILLING TO GIVE UP BEING A PERSON. LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS, SERVE

PERSON. LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS, SERVE YOUR HUSBAND AS YOU WOULD SERVE

LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS, SERVE YOUR HUSBAND AS YOU WOULD SERVE THE LORD.

YOUR HUSBAND AS YOU WOULD SERVE THE LORD. ONLY SERVE HIM SMALLER PORTIONS.

THE LORD. ONLY SERVE HIM SMALLER PORTIONS. NOW, GIRLS, LET'S HAVE A

ONLY SERVE HIM SMALLER PORTIONS. NOW, GIRLS, LET'S HAVE A PROGRESS REPORT ON HOW TOTAL

NOW, GIRLS, LET'S HAVE A PROGRESS REPORT ON HOW TOTAL WOMANHOOD IS WORKING IN YOUR

PROGRESS REPORT ON HOW TOTAL WOMANHOOD IS WORKING IN YOUR EACH AND INDIVIDUAL HOMES.

WOMANHOOD IS WORKING IN YOUR EACH AND INDIVIDUAL HOMES. GAYVETTE?

EACH AND INDIVIDUAL HOMES. GAYVETTE? OKAY, WELL, I CONCENTRATED ON

GAYVETTE? OKAY, WELL, I CONCENTRATED ON RULE NUMBER ONE, ALWAYS LOOK

OKAY, WELL, I CONCENTRATED ON RULE NUMBER ONE, ALWAYS LOOK YOUR LOVELIEST FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

RULE NUMBER ONE, ALWAYS LOOK YOUR LOVELIEST FOR YOUR HUSBAND. LIKE, LAST WEEK, I GOT THE

YOUR LOVELIEST FOR YOUR HUSBAND. LIKE, LAST WEEK, I GOT THE UGLIEST LITTLE OLD BOIL ON THE

LIKE, LAST WEEK, I GOT THE UGLIEST LITTLE OLD BOIL ON THE BACK OF MY NECK.

UGLIEST LITTLE OLD BOIL ON THE BACK OF MY NECK. AND I HID IN THE BASEMENT FOR A

BACK OF MY NECK. AND I HID IN THE BASEMENT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS TILL IT WENT

AND I HID IN THE BASEMENT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS TILL IT WENT AWAY.

COUPLE OF DAYS TILL IT WENT AWAY. GOOD MOVE, GAYVETTE!

AWAY. GOOD MOVE, GAYVETTE! NOW, DICKIE NELL, WHAT WERE YOU

GOOD MOVE, GAYVETTE! NOW, DICKIE NELL, WHAT WERE YOU WORKING ON?

NOW, DICKIE NELL, WHAT WERE YOU WORKING ON? NEVER REFUSE YOUR HUSBAND

WORKING ON? NEVER REFUSE YOUR HUSBAND SEX, WHATEVER, WHEREVER,

NEVER REFUSE YOUR HUSBAND SEX, WHATEVER, WHEREVER, WHENEVER.

SEX, WHATEVER, WHEREVER, WHENEVER. NOW, AFTER MY GALLBLADDER

WHENEVER. NOW, AFTER MY GALLBLADDER OPERATION, MY VERNE GOT SO

NOW, AFTER MY GALLBLADDER OPERATION, MY VERNE GOT SO TURNED ON BY MY PAPER NIGHTIE

OPERATION, MY VERNE GOT SO TURNED ON BY MY PAPER NIGHTIE THAT HE STARTED COMING ON TO ME

TURNED ON BY MY PAPER NIGHTIE THAT HE STARTED COMING ON TO ME RIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL BED.

THAT HE STARTED COMING ON TO ME RIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL BED. WELL, I DID NOT PROTEST,

RIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL BED. WELL, I DID NOT PROTEST, MARIBEL, EVEN THOUGH WITHOUT MY

WELL, I DID NOT PROTEST, MARIBEL, EVEN THOUGH WITHOUT MY GALLBLADDER, I DID NOT FEEL MUCH

MARIBEL, EVEN THOUGH WITHOUT MY GALLBLADDER, I DID NOT FEEL MUCH LIKE THE TOTAL WOMAN.

GALLBLADDER, I DID NOT FEEL MUCH LIKE THE TOTAL WOMAN. NOW, DICKIE NELL, YOU SHOULD

LIKE THE TOTAL WOMAN. NOW, DICKIE NELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN JUST A MOMENT OUT TO

NOW, DICKIE NELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN JUST A MOMENT OUT TO CHECK YOUR GRATITUDE METER.

HAVE TAKEN JUST A MOMENT OUT TO CHECK YOUR GRATITUDE METER. I MEAN, WHO WAS PAYING FOR THAT

CHECK YOUR GRATITUDE METER. I MEAN, WHO WAS PAYING FOR THAT OPERATION?

I MEAN, WHO WAS PAYING FOR THAT OPERATION? OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

OPERATION? OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. MARIBEL, HONEY, I HATE TO

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. MARIBEL, HONEY, I HATE TO DISTURB YOU, HONEY, BUT THE KIDS

MARIBEL, HONEY, I HATE TO DISTURB YOU, HONEY, BUT THE KIDS AND I, WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE

DISTURB YOU, HONEY, BUT THE KIDS AND I, WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE HUNGRY.

AND I, WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE HUNGRY. WE'RE WONDERING WHEN WE'RE GONNA

HUNGRY. WE'RE WONDERING WHEN WE'RE GONNA EAT.

WE'RE WONDERING WHEN WE'RE GONNA EAT. ISN'T HE ADORABLE?

EAT. ISN'T HE ADORABLE? NOW, HANDS OFF CHARLIE, GIRLS.

ISN'T HE ADORABLE? NOW, HANDS OFF CHARLIE, GIRLS. HE'S ALL MINE.

NOW, HANDS OFF CHARLIE, GIRLS. HE'S ALL MINE. LURLENE, HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT

HE'S ALL MINE. LURLENE, HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT?

LURLENE, HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT? WELL, I PRACTICED THRILLING

WITH YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT? WELL, I PRACTICED THRILLING JOE BOB AT THE FRONT DOOR IN A

WELL, I PRACTICED THRILLING JOE BOB AT THE FRONT DOOR IN A SEXY NEW COSTUME EVERY NIGHT.

JOE BOB AT THE FRONT DOOR IN A SEXY NEW COSTUME EVERY NIGHT. WEDNESDAY, I PUT ON THE TOP HALF

SEXY NEW COSTUME EVERY NIGHT. WEDNESDAY, I PUT ON THE TOP HALF OF MY MAJORETTE UNIFORM.

WEDNESDAY, I PUT ON THE TOP HALF OF MY MAJORETTE UNIFORM. THURSDAY, I GREETED HIM IN TWO

OF MY MAJORETTE UNIFORM. THURSDAY, I GREETED HIM IN TWO DIXIE CUPS AND A HANDI WIPE.

THURSDAY, I GREETED HIM IN TWO DIXIE CUPS AND A HANDI WIPE. AND LAST NIGHT, I WORE NOTHING

DIXIE CUPS AND A HANDI WIPE. AND LAST NIGHT, I WORE NOTHING BUT A DRY-CLEANER'S BAG AND A

AND LAST NIGHT, I WORE NOTHING BUT A DRY-CLEANER'S BAG AND A HEFTY-BAG TWIST AROUND MY NECK.

BUT A DRY-CLEANER'S BAG AND A HEFTY-BAG TWIST AROUND MY NECK. AND HOW DID IT GO OVER WITH

HEFTY-BAG TWIST AROUND MY NECK. AND HOW DID IT GO OVER WITH JOE BOB?

AND HOW DID IT GO OVER WITH JOE BOB? WELL, HE JUST ATE IT UP WITH

JOE BOB? WELL, HE JUST ATE IT UP WITH A FORK.

WELL, HE JUST ATE IT UP WITH A FORK. ATTAGIRL, LURLENE.

A FORK. ATTAGIRL, LURLENE. OKAY, NOW, WHY DON'T WE ACT OUT

ATTAGIRL, LURLENE. OKAY, NOW, WHY DON'T WE ACT OUT THAT LITTLE TOTAL WOMAN PLAY

OKAY, NOW, WHY DON'T WE ACT OUT THAT LITTLE TOTAL WOMAN PLAY THAT WE DO HAVE PLANNED?

THAT LITTLE TOTAL WOMAN PLAY THAT WE DO HAVE PLANNED? DO YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME,

THAT WE DO HAVE PLANNED? DO YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME, DICKIE NELL?

DO YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME, DICKIE NELL? YES, I DO.

DICKIE NELL? YES, I DO. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

YES, I DO. IT'S RIGHT HERE. OKAY, GAYVETTE, WHY DON'T YOU

IT'S RIGHT HERE. OKAY, GAYVETTE, WHY DON'T YOU PLAY THE PART OF THE HUSBAND?

OKAY, GAYVETTE, WHY DON'T YOU PLAY THE PART OF THE HUSBAND? GOOD, YOU GOT THE HAT.

PLAY THE PART OF THE HUSBAND? GOOD, YOU GOT THE HAT. OKAY, FABULOUS.

GOOD, YOU GOT THE HAT. OKAY, FABULOUS. YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

OKAY, FABULOUS. YOU LOOK WONDERFUL. THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK WONDERFUL. THANK YOU. OH, WHOO!

THANK YOU. OH, WHOO! ALL RIGHT.

OH, WHOO! ALL RIGHT. SAVE MY DRESS.

ALL RIGHT. SAVE MY DRESS. ALL RIGHT.

SAVE MY DRESS. ALL RIGHT. HONEY, I'M HOME.

ALL RIGHT. HONEY, I'M HOME. OH, MY LORD AND MASTER.

HONEY, I'M HOME. OH, MY LORD AND MASTER. I MISSED YOU TERRIBLY.

OH, MY LORD AND MASTER. I MISSED YOU TERRIBLY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

I MISSED YOU TERRIBLY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY? WELL, IT WAS HELL OUT THERE.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY? WELL, IT WAS HELL OUT THERE. I'M BEAT.

WELL, IT WAS HELL OUT THERE. I'M BEAT. OH, WELL, HONEY, HAVE A SEAT.

I'M BEAT. OH, WELL, HONEY, HAVE A SEAT. LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR PIPE,

OH, WELL, HONEY, HAVE A SEAT. LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR PIPE, AND I BROUGHT YOU YOUR SLIPPERS,

LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR PIPE, AND I BROUGHT YOU YOUR SLIPPERS, AND HERE'S THE NEWSPAPER OPENED

AND I BROUGHT YOU YOUR SLIPPERS, AND HERE'S THE NEWSPAPER OPENED TO THE SPORTS SECTION, AND

AND HERE'S THE NEWSPAPER OPENED TO THE SPORTS SECTION, AND HERE'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK.

TO THE SPORTS SECTION, AND HERE'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S A

HERE'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S A REAL SEXY GETUP.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S A REAL SEXY GETUP. AND THAT DOG COLLAR MAKES ME

REAL SEXY GETUP. AND THAT DOG COLLAR MAKES ME HOT.

AND THAT DOG COLLAR MAKES ME HOT. OH!

HOT. OH! OH, WELL, SNOOKUMS, I JUST PUT

OH! OH, WELL, SNOOKUMS, I JUST PUT ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO BED

OH, WELL, SNOOKUMS, I JUST PUT ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO BED EARLY SO WE COULD HAVE SOME HOT

ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO BED EARLY SO WE COULD HAVE SOME HOT FUN.

EARLY SO WE COULD HAVE SOME HOT FUN. OOH-WHEE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE

FUN. OOH-WHEE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

OOH-WHEE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN! WHERE SHOULD WE HAVE IT TONIGHT?

FUN! WHERE SHOULD WE HAVE IT TONIGHT? WELL...

WHERE SHOULD WE HAVE IT TONIGHT? WELL... HOW ABOUT ON THE BAR, UNDER THE

WELL... HOW ABOUT ON THE BAR, UNDER THE STUFFED MARLIN?

HOW ABOUT ON THE BAR, UNDER THE STUFFED MARLIN? YAHOO! WHAT A GREAT IDEA TO

STUFFED MARLIN? YAHOO! WHAT A GREAT IDEA TO PERK UP OUR MARRIAGE!

YAHOO! WHAT A GREAT IDEA TO PERK UP OUR MARRIAGE! VERY GOOD, GIRLS. VERY GOOD.

PERK UP OUR MARRIAGE! VERY GOOD, GIRLS. VERY GOOD. LURLENE, DO YOU HAVE ANY

VERY GOOD, GIRLS. VERY GOOD. LURLENE, DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMENTS?

LURLENE, DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMENTS? WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL

COMMENTS? WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL DICKIE NELL WAS OBSEQUIOUS

WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL DICKIE NELL WAS OBSEQUIOUS ENOUGH.

DICKIE NELL WAS OBSEQUIOUS ENOUGH. I'M SORRY.

ENOUGH. I'M SORRY. OH, THAT'S VERY...

I'M SORRY. OH, THAT'S VERY... DICKIE NELL... GOOD POINT.

OH, THAT'S VERY... DICKIE NELL... GOOD POINT. PLEASE BRUSH UP ON YOUR

DICKIE NELL... GOOD POINT. PLEASE BRUSH UP ON YOUR GROVELING, OKAY?

PLEASE BRUSH UP ON YOUR GROVELING, OKAY? YES, I WILL.

GROVELING, OKAY? YES, I WILL. ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH FOR

YES, I WILL. ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT, GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT, GIRLS. I THINK WE SHOULD ALL JOIN HANDS

TONIGHT, GIRLS. I THINK WE SHOULD ALL JOIN HANDS IN OUR TOTAL WOMAN DEVOTIONAL.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL JOIN HANDS IN OUR TOTAL WOMAN DEVOTIONAL. OH, LORD, IN TIMES OF TEARFUL

IN OUR TOTAL WOMAN DEVOTIONAL. OH, LORD, IN TIMES OF TEARFUL STRIFE, DRY UP OUR DUCTS.

OH, LORD, IN TIMES OF TEARFUL STRIFE, DRY UP OUR DUCTS. WHENSOEVER WE SHOULD FEEL TIRED,

STRIFE, DRY UP OUR DUCTS. WHENSOEVER WE SHOULD FEEL TIRED, ENABLE US TO SMILE, EVEN WHEN

WHENSOEVER WE SHOULD FEEL TIRED, ENABLE US TO SMILE, EVEN WHEN OUR BODIES NEED IRON.

ENABLE US TO SMILE, EVEN WHEN OUR BODIES NEED IRON. AMEN, AMEN.

OUR BODIES NEED IRON. AMEN, AMEN. AND WHENSOEVER OUR LITTLE

AMEN, AMEN. AND WHENSOEVER OUR LITTLE HUBBIES SHOULD JUST COME HOME

AND WHENSOEVER OUR LITTLE HUBBIES SHOULD JUST COME HOME DRUNKER THAN A SKUNK WITH FIVE

HUBBIES SHOULD JUST COME HOME DRUNKER THAN A SKUNK WITH FIVE OF HIS ARMY FRIENDS AND WANTS US

DRUNKER THAN A SKUNK WITH FIVE OF HIS ARMY FRIENDS AND WANTS US TO WHIP UP A LITTLE SIRLOIN TIP,

OF HIS ARMY FRIENDS AND WANTS US TO WHIP UP A LITTLE SIRLOIN TIP, THEN PLEASE, THOU RENEW OUR

TO WHIP UP A LITTLE SIRLOIN TIP, THEN PLEASE, THOU RENEW OUR VALIUM PRESCRIPTION.

THEN PLEASE, THOU RENEW OUR VALIUM PRESCRIPTION. AND, LORD, LET IT BE NOT 5s, BUT

VALIUM PRESCRIPTION. AND, LORD, LET IT BE NOT 5s, BUT 10s.

AND, LORD, LET IT BE NOT 5s, BUT 10s. All: AMEN!

NOW HERE'S A GOOD OL' BOY I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE... WILLIE NELSON!

THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE... WILLIE NELSON! [PLAYING INTRO TO

WILLIE NELSON! [PLAYING INTRO TO "WHISKEY RIVER"]

[PLAYING INTRO TO "WHISKEY RIVER"] ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY

["WHISKEY RIVER"] ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY

MIND ♪ ♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN

TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF ME ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪

ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪

TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF ME ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF ME ♪ ♪ I'M DROWNING IN A WHISKEY

ME ♪ ♪ I'M DROWNING IN A WHISKEY RIVER ♪

♪ I'M DROWNING IN A WHISKEY RIVER ♪ ♪ BATHING MY MEMORIED MIND

RIVER ♪ ♪ BATHING MY MEMORIED MIND IN THE WETNESS OF ITS SOUL ♪

♪ BATHING MY MEMORIED MIND IN THE WETNESS OF ITS SOUL ♪ ♪ FEELING THE AMBER CURRENT

IN THE WETNESS OF ITS SOUL ♪ ♪ FEELING THE AMBER CURRENT FLOWING FROM MY MIND ♪

♪ FEELING THE AMBER CURRENT FLOWING FROM MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND WARM AN EMPTY HEART YOU

FLOWING FROM MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND WARM AN EMPTY HEART YOU LEFT SO COLD ♪

♪ AND WARM AN EMPTY HEART YOU LEFT SO COLD ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪

LEFT SO COLD ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪

TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF ME ♪

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪ ♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪

TORTURE ME ♪ ♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF ME ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF ME ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ME ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [PLAYING INTRO TO

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [PLAYING INTRO TO "BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN"]

[PLAYING INTRO TO "BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN"] ♪ IN THE TWILIGHT GLOW, I SEE

["BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN"] ♪ IN THE TWILIGHT GLOW, I SEE HER ♪

♪ IN THE TWILIGHT GLOW, I SEE HER ♪ ♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪

HER ♪ ♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE AND

♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE AND PARTED ♪

♪ AND WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE AND PARTED ♪ ♪ I KNEW THAT WE'D NEVER MEET

PARTED ♪ ♪ I KNEW THAT WE'D NEVER MEET AGAIN ♪

♪ I KNEW THAT WE'D NEVER MEET AGAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE IS LIKE A DYING EMBER ♪

AGAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE IS LIKE A DYING EMBER ♪ ♪ ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN ♪

♪ LOVE IS LIKE A DYING EMBER ♪ ♪ ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN ♪ ♪ AND THROUGH THE AGES, I'LL

♪ ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN ♪ ♪ AND THROUGH THE AGES, I'LL REMEMBER ♪

♪ AND THROUGH THE AGES, I'LL REMEMBER ♪ ♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ SOME DAY, WHEN WE MEET UP YONDER ♪ ♪ WE'LL STROLL HAND IN HAND

YONDER ♪ ♪ WE'LL STROLL HAND IN HAND AGAIN ♪

♪ WE'LL STROLL HAND IN HAND AGAIN ♪ ♪ IN A LAND THAT KNOWS NO

AGAIN ♪ ♪ IN A LAND THAT KNOWS NO PARTING ♪

♪ IN A LAND THAT KNOWS NO PARTING ♪ ♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

TONIGHT ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," ANWAR SADAT BRUSHES UP ON JEWISH EXPRESSIONS.

ANWAR SADAT BRUSHES UP ON JEWISH EXPRESSIONS. THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND

EXPRESSIONS. THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT.

THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT. Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND

UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT. Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING, I'M

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING, I'M DAN AYKROYD, AND SITTING IN FOR

GOOD EVENING, I'M DAN AYKROYD, AND SITTING IN FOR JANE CURTIN...

DAN AYKROYD, AND SITTING IN FOR JANE CURTIN... IS JANE CURTIN.

JANE CURTIN... IS JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, UNDER A

IS JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, UNDER A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PRISONER

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, UNDER A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PRISONER EXCHANGE TREATY WITH MEXICO,

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PRISONER EXCHANGE TREATY WITH MEXICO, AMERICANS IN MEXICAN PRISONS ARE

EXCHANGE TREATY WITH MEXICO, AMERICANS IN MEXICAN PRISONS ARE BEING SENT BACK TO PRISONS IN

AMERICANS IN MEXICAN PRISONS ARE BEING SENT BACK TO PRISONS IN THE UNITED STATES.

BEING SENT BACK TO PRISONS IN THE UNITED STATES. THE FIRST GROUP ARRIVED IN

THE UNITED STATES. THE FIRST GROUP ARRIVED IN CALIFORNIA YESTERDAY, IN KEEPING

THE FIRST GROUP ARRIVED IN CALIFORNIA YESTERDAY, IN KEEPING WITH THE GOODWILL AND SPIRIT OF

CALIFORNIA YESTERDAY, IN KEEPING WITH THE GOODWILL AND SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

WITH THE GOODWILL AND SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON. THE U.S. IS SENDING MEXICO AN

THE HOLIDAY SEASON. THE U.S. IS SENDING MEXICO AN EQUAL NUMBER OF SANTA CLAUSES,

THE U.S. IS SENDING MEXICO AN EQUAL NUMBER OF SANTA CLAUSES, WHO WILL BE THROWN INTO MEXICAN

EQUAL NUMBER OF SANTA CLAUSES, WHO WILL BE THROWN INTO MEXICAN PRISONS IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.

WHO WILL BE THROWN INTO MEXICAN PRISONS IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT

PRISONS IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT ANWAR AL-SADAT THIS WEEK

EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT ANWAR AL-SADAT THIS WEEK ATTACKED ARAB-NATION CRITICS OF

ANWAR AL-SADAT THIS WEEK ATTACKED ARAB-NATION CRITICS OF HIS ISRAELI PEACE PROPOSALS.

ATTACKED ARAB-NATION CRITICS OF HIS ISRAELI PEACE PROPOSALS. HE SAID THOSE WHO ARE CASTING

HIS ISRAELI PEACE PROPOSALS. HE SAID THOSE WHO ARE CASTING DOUBTS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE

HE SAID THOSE WHO ARE CASTING DOUBTS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE DWARFS.

DOUBTS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE DWARFS. SADAT IS SHOWN HERE ADDRESSING

DWARFS. SADAT IS SHOWN HERE ADDRESSING HIS CRITICS FACE-TO-FACE.

SADAT IS SHOWN HERE ADDRESSING HIS CRITICS FACE-TO-FACE. AFTER 14 YEARS OF CONTROVERSY,

HIS CRITICS FACE-TO-FACE. AFTER 14 YEARS OF CONTROVERSY, AMERICANS STILL AREN'T SATISFIED

AFTER 14 YEARS OF CONTROVERSY, AMERICANS STILL AREN'T SATISFIED THAT WE HAVE AN ACCURATE

AMERICANS STILL AREN'T SATISFIED THAT WE HAVE AN ACCURATE UNDERSTANDING ON HOW

THAT WE HAVE AN ACCURATE UNDERSTANDING ON HOW PRESIDENT KENNEDY DIED.

UNDERSTANDING ON HOW PRESIDENT KENNEDY DIED. ADMITTING THAT THEY MIGHT NEED

PRESIDENT KENNEDY DIED. ADMITTING THAT THEY MIGHT NEED ADDITIONAL OUTSIDE HELP IN THIS

ADMITTING THAT THEY MIGHT NEED ADDITIONAL OUTSIDE HELP IN THIS INVESTIGATION, THE CIA HAS

ADDITIONAL OUTSIDE HELP IN THIS INVESTIGATION, THE CIA HAS APPEALED, ODDLY ENOUGH, TO THE

INVESTIGATION, THE CIA HAS APPEALED, ODDLY ENOUGH, TO THE COMMITTEE WHO CONDUCTED A RECENT

APPEALED, ODDLY ENOUGH, TO THE COMMITTEE WHO CONDUCTED A RECENT INQUEST OF THE STEVE BIKO CASE

COMMITTEE WHO CONDUCTED A RECENT INQUEST OF THE STEVE BIKO CASE IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA.

INQUEST OF THE STEVE BIKO CASE IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA. THEIR FINDINGS... JOHN KENNEDY

IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA. THEIR FINDINGS... JOHN KENNEDY DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.

THEIR FINDINGS... JOHN KENNEDY DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES. HIS HEAD WOUNDS WERE

DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES. HIS HEAD WOUNDS WERE SELF-INFLICTED AND

HIS HEAD WOUNDS WERE SELF-INFLICTED AND LEE HARVEY OSWALD DIED AS A

SELF-INFLICTED AND LEE HARVEY OSWALD DIED AS A RESULT OF A HUNGER STRIKE,

LEE HARVEY OSWALD DIED AS A RESULT OF A HUNGER STRIKE, CLEARING THE DALLAS POLICE

RESULT OF A HUNGER STRIKE, CLEARING THE DALLAS POLICE DEPARTMENT OF NEGLIGENCE, AS

CLEARING THE DALLAS POLICE DEPARTMENT OF NEGLIGENCE, AS ORIGINALLY REPORTED.

DEPARTMENT OF NEGLIGENCE, AS ORIGINALLY REPORTED. THANK GOD NOW WE HAVE THE

ORIGINALLY REPORTED. THANK GOD NOW WE HAVE THE ANSWERS, DAN.

THANK GOD NOW WE HAVE THE ANSWERS, DAN. I'LL SAY, JANE.

ANSWERS, DAN. I'LL SAY, JANE. WELL, NBC IS REVIVING THAT

I'LL SAY, JANE. WELL, NBC IS REVIVING THAT CLASSIC COMEDY OF YESTERYEAR

WELL, NBC IS REVIVING THAT CLASSIC COMEDY OF YESTERYEAR "THE AMOS 'N ANDY SHOW."

CLASSIC COMEDY OF YESTERYEAR "THE AMOS 'N ANDY SHOW." THE TV PROGRAM HAD BEEN CANCELED

"THE AMOS 'N ANDY SHOW." THE TV PROGRAM HAD BEEN CANCELED IN THE LATE 1950s DUE TO

THE TV PROGRAM HAD BEEN CANCELED IN THE LATE 1950s DUE TO OBJECTIONS FROM BLACK-PRESSURE

IN THE LATE 1950s DUE TO OBJECTIONS FROM BLACK-PRESSURE GROUPS.

OBJECTIONS FROM BLACK-PRESSURE GROUPS. BUT THE NETWORK NOW FEELS THAT

GROUPS. BUT THE NETWORK NOW FEELS THAT THE NEW SHOW HAS CHANGED THE

BUT THE NETWORK NOW FEELS THAT THE NEW SHOW HAS CHANGED THE DEROGATORY RACIAL STEREOTYPES TO

THE NEW SHOW HAS CHANGED THE DEROGATORY RACIAL STEREOTYPES TO PROJECT A POSITIVE IMAGE OF THE

DEROGATORY RACIAL STEREOTYPES TO PROJECT A POSITIVE IMAGE OF THE AFRO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY.

PROJECT A POSITIVE IMAGE OF THE AFRO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY. THE SERIES IS RETITLED "TO BE

AFRO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY. THE SERIES IS RETITLED "TO BE YOUNG, BLACK, GIFTED, AND

THE SERIES IS RETITLED "TO BE YOUNG, BLACK, GIFTED, AND FUNNY."

YOUNG, BLACK, GIFTED, AND FUNNY." AMOS, A TYPICAL BLACK BRAIN

FUNNY." AMOS, A TYPICAL BLACK BRAIN SURGEON, AND ANDY, A GULLIBLE

AMOS, A TYPICAL BLACK BRAIN SURGEON, AND ANDY, A GULLIBLE OLYMPIC SWIMMING COACH, FALL

SURGEON, AND ANDY, A GULLIBLE OLYMPIC SWIMMING COACH, FALL EASY PREY TO THE GET-RICH-QUICK

OLYMPIC SWIMMING COACH, FALL EASY PREY TO THE GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES OF THE KINGFISH, A WILY

EASY PREY TO THE GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES OF THE KINGFISH, A WILY WALL STREET INVESTMENT BROKER.

SCHEMES OF THE KINGFISH, A WILY WALL STREET INVESTMENT BROKER. ONE MAJOR CHANGE... CALHOUN, THE

WALL STREET INVESTMENT BROKER. ONE MAJOR CHANGE... CALHOUN, THE IDEALISTIC CIVIL-RIGHTS LAWYER,

ONE MAJOR CHANGE... CALHOUN, THE IDEALISTIC CIVIL-RIGHTS LAWYER, IS NOW A WOMAN, AND WILL BE

IDEALISTIC CIVIL-RIGHTS LAWYER, IS NOW A WOMAN, AND WILL BE PLAYED BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

IS NOW A WOMAN, AND WILL BE PLAYED BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN WITH SHOE POLISH ALL OVER HER

PLAYED BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN WITH SHOE POLISH ALL OVER HER FACE.

WITH SHOE POLISH ALL OVER HER FACE. IN A RELATED STORY, BLACK

FACE. IN A RELATED STORY, BLACK PANTHER CO-FOUNDER HUEY NEWTON

IN A RELATED STORY, BLACK PANTHER CO-FOUNDER HUEY NEWTON SPOKE TO REPORTERS AND OFFERED

PANTHER CO-FOUNDER HUEY NEWTON SPOKE TO REPORTERS AND OFFERED INTERESTING INSIGHT INTO THE

SPOKE TO REPORTERS AND OFFERED INTERESTING INSIGHT INTO THE BLACK MOVEMENT OF THE '60s,

INTERESTING INSIGHT INTO THE BLACK MOVEMENT OF THE '60s, STATING THAT ORIGINALLY, THE

BLACK MOVEMENT OF THE '60s, STATING THAT ORIGINALLY, THE PANTHERS WERE GOING TO BE CALLED

STATING THAT ORIGINALLY, THE PANTHERS WERE GOING TO BE CALLED THE DUCKS, AN ORGANIZATION THAT

PANTHERS WERE GOING TO BE CALLED THE DUCKS, AN ORGANIZATION THAT HUEY CO-FOUNDED WITH HIS

THE DUCKS, AN ORGANIZATION THAT HUEY CO-FOUNDED WITH HIS BROTHERS LOUIE, DEWIE, AND UNCLE

HUEY CO-FOUNDED WITH HIS BROTHERS LOUIE, DEWIE, AND UNCLE DONALD.

BROTHERS LOUIE, DEWIE, AND UNCLE DONALD. AND THERE'S THAT PICTURE WE WERE

DONALD. AND THERE'S THAT PICTURE WE WERE WAITING FOR.

AND THERE'S THAT PICTURE WE WERE WAITING FOR. LOUIE, DEWIE, UNCLE DONALD.

WAITING FOR. LOUIE, DEWIE, UNCLE DONALD. DUCK BIRD.

LOUIE, DEWIE, UNCLE DONALD. DUCK BIRD. REMEMBER DUCK BIRD?

DUCK BIRD. REMEMBER DUCK BIRD? THE BEAGLE BOYS.

REMEMBER DUCK BIRD? THE BEAGLE BOYS. I SURE DO, DAN.

THE BEAGLE BOYS. I SURE DO, DAN. OUR NEXT STORY...

I SURE DO, DAN. OUR NEXT STORY... CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!

OUR NEXT STORY... CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS! CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!

CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS! CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS! [CLEARS THROAT]

CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS! [CLEARS THROAT] AN ATLANTA, GEORGIA,

[CLEARS THROAT] AN ATLANTA, GEORGIA, UROLOGIST HAS ANNOUNCED THAT AN

AN ATLANTA, GEORGIA, UROLOGIST HAS ANNOUNCED THAT AN OPERATION TO REATTACH THE

UROLOGIST HAS ANNOUNCED THAT AN OPERATION TO REATTACH THE SEVERED PENIS OF A COLLEGE

OPERATION TO REATTACH THE SEVERED PENIS OF A COLLEGE STUDENT WAS A SUCCESS.

SEVERED PENIS OF A COLLEGE STUDENT WAS A SUCCESS. THE LUCKY STUDENT REPORTEDLY

STUDENT WAS A SUCCESS. THE LUCKY STUDENT REPORTEDLY COMMENTED THAT HE'S GLAD TO BE

THE LUCKY STUDENT REPORTEDLY COMMENTED THAT HE'S GLAD TO BE BACK IN SCHOOL AND ABLE TO CRAM

COMMENTED THAT HE'S GLAD TO BE BACK IN SCHOOL AND ABLE TO CRAM FOR HIS MIDTERM EXAMS.

BACK IN SCHOOL AND ABLE TO CRAM FOR HIS MIDTERM EXAMS. NOW HERE'S CORRESPONDENT

FOR HIS MIDTERM EXAMS. NOW HERE'S CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN WITH A SPECIAL

NOW HERE'S CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN WITH A SPECIAL REPORT ON LIE DETECTION.

LARAINE NEWMAN WITH A SPECIAL REPORT ON LIE DETECTION. LARAINE?

REPORT ON LIE DETECTION. LARAINE? THANK YOU, JANE.

LARAINE? THANK YOU, JANE. AT OHIO UNIVERSITY,

THANK YOU, JANE. AT OHIO UNIVERSITY, ROGER E. BENNETT HAS PROVEN THAT

AT OHIO UNIVERSITY, ROGER E. BENNETT HAS PROVEN THAT SPLIT-SECOND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

ROGER E. BENNETT HAS PROVEN THAT SPLIT-SECOND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS KNOWN AS MICROMOMENTARIES OCCUR

SPLIT-SECOND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS KNOWN AS MICROMOMENTARIES OCCUR AT THE PRECISE MOMENT A PERSON

KNOWN AS MICROMOMENTARIES OCCUR AT THE PRECISE MOMENT A PERSON IS TELLING A LIE.

AT THE PRECISE MOMENT A PERSON IS TELLING A LIE. HE SAYS HE CAN CATCH THE

IS TELLING A LIE. HE SAYS HE CAN CATCH THE EXPRESSIONS ON VIDEOTAPE, AND

HE SAYS HE CAN CATCH THE EXPRESSIONS ON VIDEOTAPE, AND CONSEQUENTLY, CATCH A LIAR IN

EXPRESSIONS ON VIDEOTAPE, AND CONSEQUENTLY, CATCH A LIAR IN THE ACT OF LYING BY SPOTTING THE

CONSEQUENTLY, CATCH A LIAR IN THE ACT OF LYING BY SPOTTING THE ALMOST INVISIBLE FACIAL

THE ACT OF LYING BY SPOTTING THE ALMOST INVISIBLE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

ALMOST INVISIBLE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. RIGHT NOW, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE.

EXPRESSIONS. RIGHT NOW, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE. I WILL MAKE A STATEMENT AND SEE

RIGHT NOW, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE. I WILL MAKE A STATEMENT AND SEE IF YOU CAN DETECT THE FACIAL

I WILL MAKE A STATEMENT AND SEE IF YOU CAN DETECT THE FACIAL EXPRESSION THAT TELLS YOU I AM

IF YOU CAN DETECT THE FACIAL EXPRESSION THAT TELLS YOU I AM LYING.

EXPRESSION THAT TELLS YOU I AM LYING. I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.

LYING. I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER

I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS. THAT WAS A LOVELY COLOGNE YOU

DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS. THAT WAS A LOVELY COLOGNE YOU WERE WEARING.

THAT WAS A LOVELY COLOGNE YOU WERE WEARING. AND THAT WAS CERTAINLY A

WERE WEARING. AND THAT WAS CERTAINLY A DELICIOUS DINNER.

AND THAT WAS CERTAINLY A DELICIOUS DINNER. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T NOTICE

DELICIOUS DINNER. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ANYTHING TO GIVE AWAY MY TRUE

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ANYTHING TO GIVE AWAY MY TRUE FEELINGS, BUT MR. BENNETT'S

ANYTHING TO GIVE AWAY MY TRUE FEELINGS, BUT MR. BENNETT'S VIDEOTAPE METHOD WOULD HAVE

FEELINGS, BUT MR. BENNETT'S VIDEOTAPE METHOD WOULD HAVE REVEALED THEM TO YOU

VIDEOTAPE METHOD WOULD HAVE REVEALED THEM TO YOU IMMEDIATELY.

REVEALED THEM TO YOU IMMEDIATELY. JANE?

IMMEDIATELY. JANE? ADLAI STEVENSON.

JANE? ADLAI STEVENSON. IN MADRID LAST WEEK,

ADLAI STEVENSON. IN MADRID LAST WEEK, KING JUAN CARLOS...

IN MADRID LAST WEEK, KING JUAN CARLOS... EXCUSE ME.

KING JUAN CARLOS... EXCUSE ME. ISSUED A ROYAL DECREE WHICH

EXCUSE ME. ISSUED A ROYAL DECREE WHICH ABOLISHED ALL FILM CENSORSHIP

ISSUED A ROYAL DECREE WHICH ABOLISHED ALL FILM CENSORSHIP AND PAVED THE WAY FOR

ABOLISHED ALL FILM CENSORSHIP AND PAVED THE WAY FOR ESTABLISHMENT OF SPAIN'S FIRST

AND PAVED THE WAY FOR ESTABLISHMENT OF SPAIN'S FIRST X-RATED MOVIE INDUSTRY.

ESTABLISHMENT OF SPAIN'S FIRST X-RATED MOVIE INDUSTRY. REACTION FROM OTHER SPANISH

X-RATED MOVIE INDUSTRY. REACTION FROM OTHER SPANISH OFFICIALS WAS INSTANT AND

REACTION FROM OTHER SPANISH OFFICIALS WAS INSTANT AND WIDESPREAD, EXCEPT FOR

OFFICIALS WAS INSTANT AND WIDESPREAD, EXCEPT FOR GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,

WIDESPREAD, EXCEPT FOR GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO, WHO AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS, WAS

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO, WHO AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS, WAS STILL TOO DEAD TO MAKE A

WHO AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS, WAS STILL TOO DEAD TO MAKE A STATEMENT.

STILL TOO DEAD TO MAKE A STATEMENT. WELL, DESPITE WHAT WE MAY BE LED

STATEMENT. WELL, DESPITE WHAT WE MAY BE LED TO BELIEVE, THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS

WELL, DESPITE WHAT WE MAY BE LED TO BELIEVE, THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS THAT BLEAK BEHIND THE IRON

TO BELIEVE, THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS THAT BLEAK BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN.

THAT BLEAK BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN. THERE WAS A FESTIVE CELEBRATION

CURTAIN. THERE WAS A FESTIVE CELEBRATION YESTERDAY IN VOLNEG, BULGARIA,

THERE WAS A FESTIVE CELEBRATION YESTERDAY IN VOLNEG, BULGARIA, WHERE THE WINNER OF THE BALKAN

YESTERDAY IN VOLNEG, BULGARIA, WHERE THE WINNER OF THE BALKAN INTERNATIONAL FANCY-DRESS BALL

WHERE THE WINNER OF THE BALKAN INTERNATIONAL FANCY-DRESS BALL CLAIMED HIS PRIZE... TWO TONS OF

INTERNATIONAL FANCY-DRESS BALL CLAIMED HIS PRIZE... TWO TONS OF UNCUT BEEF JERKY.

CLAIMED HIS PRIZE... TWO TONS OF UNCUT BEEF JERKY. LAST WEEK, ERIC SEVAREID, WHO

UNCUT BEEF JERKY. LAST WEEK, ERIC SEVAREID, WHO GAVE NIGHTLY EDITORIALS ON THE

LAST WEEK, ERIC SEVAREID, WHO GAVE NIGHTLY EDITORIALS ON THE CBS EVENING NEWS FOR 14 YEARS,

GAVE NIGHTLY EDITORIALS ON THE CBS EVENING NEWS FOR 14 YEARS, RETIRED FROM THAT PROGRAM

CBS EVENING NEWS FOR 14 YEARS, RETIRED FROM THAT PROGRAM BECAUSE HE REACHED CBS'S

RETIRED FROM THAT PROGRAM BECAUSE HE REACHED CBS'S MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE OF 65.

BECAUSE HE REACHED CBS'S MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE OF 65. TONIGHT, MR. SEVAREID ASKED IF

MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE OF 65. TONIGHT, MR. SEVAREID ASKED IF HE COULD BE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TONIGHT, MR. SEVAREID ASKED IF HE COULD BE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" TO GIVE ONE LAST EDITORIAL ON

HE COULD BE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" TO GIVE ONE LAST EDITORIAL ON THE QUESTION OF

TO GIVE ONE LAST EDITORIAL ON THE QUESTION OF MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE.

THE QUESTION OF MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE. WHILE IT MAY NOT BE TRUE THAT

MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE. WHILE IT MAY NOT BE TRUE THAT JUST AS YOU CANNOT TEACH OLD

WHILE IT MAY NOT BE TRUE THAT JUST AS YOU CANNOT TEACH OLD DOGS NEW TRICKS, SO YOU CANNOT

JUST AS YOU CANNOT TEACH OLD DOGS NEW TRICKS, SO YOU CANNOT TEACH A GENERATION OF YOUNG

DOGS NEW TRICKS, SO YOU CANNOT TEACH A GENERATION OF YOUNG VIDEO ADDICTS TO READ.

TEACH A GENERATION OF YOUNG VIDEO ADDICTS TO READ. THERE IS NO SMALL AGREEMENT

VIDEO ADDICTS TO READ. THERE IS NO SMALL AGREEMENT AMONG EDUCATORS THAT TELEVISION

THERE IS NO SMALL AGREEMENT AMONG EDUCATORS THAT TELEVISION HAS REPLACED THE PRINTED WORD

AMONG EDUCATORS THAT TELEVISION HAS REPLACED THE PRINTED WORD AND THAT McLUHAN'S GLOBAL

HAS REPLACED THE PRINTED WORD AND THAT McLUHAN'S GLOBAL VILLAGE IS, IF NOT TOTALLY

AND THAT McLUHAN'S GLOBAL VILLAGE IS, IF NOT TOTALLY ILLITERATE, THEN CERTAINLY LESS

VILLAGE IS, IF NOT TOTALLY ILLITERATE, THEN CERTAINLY LESS LITERATE THAN THE WORLD THAT

ILLITERATE, THEN CERTAINLY LESS LITERATE THAN THE WORLD THAT EXISTED BEFORE TELEVISION.

LITERATE THAN THE WORLD THAT EXISTED BEFORE TELEVISION. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

EXISTED BEFORE TELEVISION. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? IT MEANS THAT A MAJORITY OF

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? IT MEANS THAT A MAJORITY OF AMERICANS BORN AFTER A WAR

IT MEANS THAT A MAJORITY OF AMERICANS BORN AFTER A WAR FOUGHT TO PRESERVE FREEDOM OF

AMERICANS BORN AFTER A WAR FOUGHT TO PRESERVE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS CANNOT FOLLOW THE

FOUGHT TO PRESERVE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS CANNOT FOLLOW THE WORDS, PHRASES, SENTENCES,

THE PRESS CANNOT FOLLOW THE WORDS, PHRASES, SENTENCES, CLAUSES, AND AWKWARD SPEECH

WORDS, PHRASES, SENTENCES, CLAUSES, AND AWKWARD SPEECH PATTERNS OF A 65-YEAR-OLD

CLAUSES, AND AWKWARD SPEECH PATTERNS OF A 65-YEAR-OLD BROADCAST JOURNALIST GEARED TO

PATTERNS OF A 65-YEAR-OLD BROADCAST JOURNALIST GEARED TO LITERARY CONSTRUCTIONS OF AN ERA

BROADCAST JOURNALIST GEARED TO LITERARY CONSTRUCTIONS OF AN ERA GONE BY.

LITERARY CONSTRUCTIONS OF AN ERA GONE BY. MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE IS NOT

GONE BY. MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE IS NOT REALLY A QUESTION HERE.

MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE IS NOT REALLY A QUESTION HERE. WILLIAM PALEY, THE MAN WHO

REALLY A QUESTION HERE. WILLIAM PALEY, THE MAN WHO ULTIMATELY MADE THE DECISION TO

WILLIAM PALEY, THE MAN WHO ULTIMATELY MADE THE DECISION TO RETIRE ME, IS MY ELDER, AND YET

ULTIMATELY MADE THE DECISION TO RETIRE ME, IS MY ELDER, AND YET CONTINUES TO CHAIR ON THE CBS

RETIRE ME, IS MY ELDER, AND YET CONTINUES TO CHAIR ON THE CBS BOARD, PERHAPS THE VERY REASON

CONTINUES TO CHAIR ON THE CBS BOARD, PERHAPS THE VERY REASON THE NETWORK FINDS ITSELF IN THE

BOARD, PERHAPS THE VERY REASON THE NETWORK FINDS ITSELF IN THE EMBARRASSING POSITION OF THIRD

THE NETWORK FINDS ITSELF IN THE EMBARRASSING POSITION OF THIRD AMONG THREE.

EMBARRASSING POSITION OF THIRD AMONG THREE. WHAT IS A QUESTION IS MY

AMONG THREE. WHAT IS A QUESTION IS MY RELATIVE VIABILITY AS A

WHAT IS A QUESTION IS MY RELATIVE VIABILITY AS A TELEVISION JOURNALIST.

RELATIVE VIABILITY AS A TELEVISION JOURNALIST. SOME ARGUE THAT I OFTEN MAKE

TELEVISION JOURNALIST. SOME ARGUE THAT I OFTEN MAKE PERFECT SENSE, ILLUMINATING

SOME ARGUE THAT I OFTEN MAKE PERFECT SENSE, ILLUMINATING SUBTLE NUANCES OF CONJECTURE

PERFECT SENSE, ILLUMINATING SUBTLE NUANCES OF CONJECTURE UPON THE GREAT PROBLEMS OF THE

SUBTLE NUANCES OF CONJECTURE UPON THE GREAT PROBLEMS OF THE DAY.

UPON THE GREAT PROBLEMS OF THE DAY. OTHERS WOULD ARGUE THE OPPOSITE,

DAY. OTHERS WOULD ARGUE THE OPPOSITE, THAT MY USE OF TIRED SYNTAX AND

OTHERS WOULD ARGUE THE OPPOSITE, THAT MY USE OF TIRED SYNTAX AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE COUPLED WITH

THAT MY USE OF TIRED SYNTAX AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE COUPLED WITH A STACCATO AND OFTEN SINGSONG

SENTENCE STRUCTURE COUPLED WITH A STACCATO AND OFTEN SINGSONG DELIVERY MAKE THESE EDITORIALS

A STACCATO AND OFTEN SINGSONG DELIVERY MAKE THESE EDITORIALS INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND AN EXERCISE

DELIVERY MAKE THESE EDITORIALS INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY, LIKE SO MANY GRAINS

INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY, LIKE SO MANY GRAINS OF SAND AGAINST THE TIDES OF THE

IN FUTILITY, LIKE SO MANY GRAINS OF SAND AGAINST THE TIDES OF THE OCEANS.

OF SAND AGAINST THE TIDES OF THE OCEANS. I HAVE NO STRONG ARGUMENT WITH

OCEANS. I HAVE NO STRONG ARGUMENT WITH EITHER PROPOSITION.

I HAVE NO STRONG ARGUMENT WITH EITHER PROPOSITION. I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN MY PRIMARY

EITHER PROPOSITION. I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN MY PRIMARY DUTY AS ONE OF ELUCIDATION AND

I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN MY PRIMARY DUTY AS ONE OF ELUCIDATION AND NOT ADVOCATION, AND SO I ACCEPT

DUTY AS ONE OF ELUCIDATION AND NOT ADVOCATION, AND SO I ACCEPT THE DECISION OF CBS WITH THE

NOT ADVOCATION, AND SO I ACCEPT THE DECISION OF CBS WITH THE FEELING THAT ADLAI STEVENSON MAY

THE DECISION OF CBS WITH THE FEELING THAT ADLAI STEVENSON MAY HAVE PUT BEST WHEN, AFTER HIS

FEELING THAT ADLAI STEVENSON MAY HAVE PUT BEST WHEN, AFTER HIS DISASTROUS SECOND DEFEAT AT THE

HAVE PUT BEST WHEN, AFTER HIS DISASTROUS SECOND DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF

DISASTROUS SECOND DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, SAID,

HANDS OF DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, SAID, "IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LAUGH, AND

DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, SAID, "IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LAUGH, AND I'M TOO OLD TO CRY."

"IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LAUGH, AND I'M TOO OLD TO CRY." FROM NEW YORK, THIS WAS

I'M TOO OLD TO CRY." FROM NEW YORK, THIS WAS ERIC SEVAREID.

FROM NEW YORK, THIS WAS ERIC SEVAREID. THANK YOU AND GOODBYE.

ERIC SEVAREID. THANK YOU AND GOODBYE. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE. [APPLAUSE] THAT'S THE NEWS.

[APPLAUSE] THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND TO OUR AILING

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND TO OUR AILING CUE-CARD MAN AL SIEGEL, GET

GOOD NIGHT, AND TO OUR AILING CUE-CARD MAN AL SIEGEL, GET WELL.

CUE-CARD MAN AL SIEGEL, GET WELL. GET WELL SOON.

Announcer: NEW YORK CITY, 1961. SOARING UNEMPLOYMENT, PLUNGING

1961. SOARING UNEMPLOYMENT, PLUNGING INCOMES, INADEQUATE HOUSING.

SOARING UNEMPLOYMENT, PLUNGING INCOMES, INADEQUATE HOUSING. NEW YORK, WHERE THE RATIO OF

INCOMES, INADEQUATE HOUSING. NEW YORK, WHERE THE RATIO OF AVAILABLE BACHELORS TO

NEW YORK, WHERE THE RATIO OF AVAILABLE BACHELORS TO BACHELORETTES IS 35 TO 2, AND

AVAILABLE BACHELORS TO BACHELORETTES IS 35 TO 2, AND THE ODDS OF RUNNING INTO SOMEONE

BACHELORETTES IS 35 TO 2, AND THE ODDS OF RUNNING INTO SOMEONE YOU CAN STAND A MILLION TO ONE.

THE ODDS OF RUNNING INTO SOMEONE YOU CAN STAND A MILLION TO ONE. BUT DESPITE THIS NEW YORK, IN

YOU CAN STAND A MILLION TO ONE. BUT DESPITE THIS NEW YORK, IN MOVIES LIKE THESE, WHEN POOR

BUT DESPITE THIS NEW YORK, IN MOVIES LIKE THESE, WHEN POOR YOUNG GALS ARRIVE HERE WITH NO

MOVIES LIKE THESE, WHEN POOR YOUNG GALS ARRIVE HERE WITH NO MONEY, NO FRIENDS, AND NO PLACE

YOUNG GALS ARRIVE HERE WITH NO MONEY, NO FRIENDS, AND NO PLACE TO GO, THEY ALWAYS GETTING RICH,

MONEY, NO FRIENDS, AND NO PLACE TO GO, THEY ALWAYS GETTING RICH, FAMOUS, AND MARRIED IN A MINUTE!

TO GO, THEY ALWAYS GETTING RICH, FAMOUS, AND MARRIED IN A MINUTE! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

FAMOUS, AND MARRIED IN A MINUTE! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THE IMPERIAL ROYAL PRESIDENTIAL

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THE IMPERIAL ROYAL PRESIDENTIAL SUITE AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA

THE IMPERIAL ROYAL PRESIDENTIAL SUITE AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA HOTEL!

SUITE AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA HOTEL! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOANED A

HOTEL! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOANED A KLEENEX TO THAT ECCENTRIC

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOANED A KLEENEX TO THAT ECCENTRIC MILLIONAIRE AT THE BUS STATION

KLEENEX TO THAT ECCENTRIC MILLIONAIRE AT THE BUS STATION WHO WAS SO GRATEFUL TO US THAT

MILLIONAIRE AT THE BUS STATION WHO WAS SO GRATEFUL TO US THAT HE TOLD US WE COULD HAVE THIS

WHO WAS SO GRATEFUL TO US THAT HE TOLD US WE COULD HAVE THIS SUITE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!

HE TOLD US WE COULD HAVE THIS SUITE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES! WASN'T THAT NICE?

SUITE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES! WASN'T THAT NICE? OH, HERE'S A PENNY.

WASN'T THAT NICE? OH, HERE'S A PENNY. I'M SORRY IT COULDN'T BE MORE.

OH, HERE'S A PENNY. I'M SORRY IT COULDN'T BE MORE. BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT NEW YORK

I'M SORRY IT COULDN'T BE MORE. BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT NEW YORK WAS GONNA BE SO EXPENSIVE, AND

BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT NEW YORK WAS GONNA BE SO EXPENSIVE, AND THE CAB RIDE FROM THE BUS

WAS GONNA BE SO EXPENSIVE, AND THE CAB RIDE FROM THE BUS STATION WAS GONNA COST $843.

THE CAB RIDE FROM THE BUS STATION WAS GONNA COST $843. A PENNY. THAT'S OKAY.

STATION WAS GONNA COST $843. A PENNY. THAT'S OKAY. YOUR NICENESS MAKES UP FOR IT.

A PENNY. THAT'S OKAY. YOUR NICENESS MAKES UP FOR IT. OH, HERE WE ARE IN

YOUR NICENESS MAKES UP FOR IT. OH, HERE WE ARE IN NEW YORK CITY WITH NO MONEY

OH, HERE WE ARE IN NEW YORK CITY WITH NO MONEY LEFT... OH, NO!

NEW YORK CITY WITH NO MONEY LEFT... OH, NO! BEHIND THE FLOWERS! LOOK!

LEFT... OH, NO! BEHIND THE FLOWERS! LOOK! HERE'S $1 MILLION!

BEHIND THE FLOWERS! LOOK! HERE'S $1 MILLION! WELL, I GUESS OUR MONEY

HERE'S $1 MILLION! WELL, I GUESS OUR MONEY PROBLEMS ARE OVER!

WELL, I GUESS OUR MONEY PROBLEMS ARE OVER! FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ANYWAY.

PROBLEMS ARE OVER! FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ANYWAY. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ANYWAY. [TELEPHONE RINGS] I'LL GET IT!

[TELEPHONE RINGS] I'LL GET IT! HELLO?

I'LL GET IT! HELLO? NO, I'M SORRY, THIS ISN'T FAMOUS

HELLO? NO, I'M SORRY, THIS ISN'T FAMOUS ACTRESSES, INCORPORATED.

NO, I'M SORRY, THIS ISN'T FAMOUS ACTRESSES, INCORPORATED. YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG N...

ACTRESSES, INCORPORATED. YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG N... OH, YES, THERE IS AN ACTRESS

YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG N... OH, YES, THERE IS AN ACTRESS HERE.

OH, YES, THERE IS AN ACTRESS HERE. WELL, OF COURSE I COULD!

HERE. WELL, OF COURSE I COULD! YOU'RE KIDDING! THE PLAY?

WELL, OF COURSE I COULD! YOU'RE KIDDING! THE PLAY? THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW IN

YOU'RE KIDDING! THE PLAY? THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW IN CASE THE STAR GETS SICK?

THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW IN CASE THE STAR GETS SICK? WELL, OF COURSE... THE STAR'S

CASE THE STAR GETS SICK? WELL, OF COURSE... THE STAR'S SICK NOW?

WELL, OF COURSE... THE STAR'S SICK NOW? OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

SICK NOW? OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! OH, SURE, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN IN

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! OH, SURE, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN IN JUST A JIFF.

OH, SURE, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN IN JUST A JIFF. OH, HEY, THANKS!

JUST A JIFF. OH, HEY, THANKS! I GOT THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY

OH, HEY, THANKS! I GOT THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW!

I GOT THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW! OH, LOOK, HERE'S THIS CARD,

SHOW! OH, LOOK, HERE'S THIS CARD, AND IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME!

OH, LOOK, HERE'S THIS CARD, AND IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME! "SAW YOU IN THE LOBBY, WON'T YOU

AND IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME! "SAW YOU IN THE LOBBY, WON'T YOU BE MY DATE AT THE CORONATION

"SAW YOU IN THE LOBBY, WON'T YOU BE MY DATE AT THE CORONATION BALL?"

BE MY DATE AT THE CORONATION BALL?" SIGNED, THE PRINCE OF FRANCE!

BALL?" SIGNED, THE PRINCE OF FRANCE! I CAN'T!

SIGNED, THE PRINCE OF FRANCE! I CAN'T! ALL I HAVE TO WEAR IS THIS OLD

I CAN'T! ALL I HAVE TO WEAR IS THIS OLD THING.

ALL I HAVE TO WEAR IS THIS OLD THING. WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE JUST

THING. WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE JUST ABOUT MY SIZE.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE JUST ABOUT MY SIZE. I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING THAT

ABOUT MY SIZE. I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN WEAR IF I CAN JUST FIND

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN WEAR IF I CAN JUST FIND IT.

YOU CAN WEAR IF I CAN JUST FIND IT. HERE IT IS!

IT. HERE IT IS! IT'S JUST AN OLD THING, BUT IT

HERE IT IS! IT'S JUST AN OLD THING, BUT IT MIGHT WORK!

IT'S JUST AN OLD THING, BUT IT MIGHT WORK! HEY, LOOK.

MIGHT WORK! HEY, LOOK. I'VE GOT SOME SHOES.

HEY, LOOK. I'VE GOT SOME SHOES. OH, THANKS.

I'VE GOT SOME SHOES. OH, THANKS. PURSE AND ACCESSORIES RIGHT

OH, THANKS. PURSE AND ACCESSORIES RIGHT HERE!

PURSE AND ACCESSORIES RIGHT HERE! OH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST THE

HERE! OH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST THE BEST FRIENDS A GAL EVER HAD!

OH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST THE BEST FRIENDS A GAL EVER HAD! HOW WILL I GET MY MODELING

BEST FRIENDS A GAL EVER HAD! HOW WILL I GET MY MODELING CAREER OFF THE GROUND AND MEET

HOW WILL I GET MY MODELING CAREER OFF THE GROUND AND MEET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS?

CAREER OFF THE GROUND AND MEET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS? I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TRYING

THE MAN OF MY DREAMS? I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TRYING ANYMORE.

I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TRYING ANYMORE. PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS... WE

ANYMORE. PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS... WE CAN'T EVEN FIND THE CORRECT

PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS... WE CAN'T EVEN FIND THE CORRECT ROOM!

CAN'T EVEN FIND THE CORRECT ROOM! THIS IS NOT MY ROOM!

ROOM! THIS IS NOT MY ROOM! WAIT... THERE SHE IS!

THIS IS NOT MY ROOM! WAIT... THERE SHE IS! THE WOMAN I HAVE WAITED FOR TO

WAIT... THERE SHE IS! THE WOMAN I HAVE WAITED FOR TO BE IN MY ADS FOR MY HUNGARIAN

THE WOMAN I HAVE WAITED FOR TO BE IN MY ADS FOR MY HUNGARIAN PERFUME... A FASHION MODEL!

BE IN MY ADS FOR MY HUNGARIAN PERFUME... A FASHION MODEL! I WAS LOOKING FOR HER!

PERFUME... A FASHION MODEL! I WAS LOOKING FOR HER! OF 500,000 WOMEN, I'M LOOKING

I WAS LOOKING FOR HER! OF 500,000 WOMEN, I'M LOOKING FOR, BUT THIS ONE HERE IS THE

OF 500,000 WOMEN, I'M LOOKING FOR, BUT THIS ONE HERE IS THE ONE I FOUND, THE ONLY ONE I

FOR, BUT THIS ONE HERE IS THE ONE I FOUND, THE ONLY ONE I WOULD WANT TO MARRY, BECAUSE I

ONE I FOUND, THE ONLY ONE I WOULD WANT TO MARRY, BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GIVE UP LOOKING

WOULD WANT TO MARRY, BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GIVE UP LOOKING JUST A SECOND AGO, BUT HERE SHE

WAS GOING TO GIVE UP LOOKING JUST A SECOND AGO, BUT HERE SHE IS!

JUST A SECOND AGO, BUT HERE SHE IS! HERE, A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT.

IS! HERE, A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT. AND A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!

HERE, A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT. AND A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL! WELL, I'LL NEED A LITTLE TIME

AND A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL! WELL, I'LL NEED A LITTLE TIME TO THINK IT OVER!

WELL, I'LL NEED A LITTLE TIME TO THINK IT OVER! TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU WANT.

TO THINK IT OVER! TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU WANT. I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE SMALL SECOND

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU WANT. I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE SMALL SECOND HAND GETS TO THE 3.

I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE SMALL SECOND HAND GETS TO THE 3. OKAY, I'LL DO IT, OKAY!

HAND GETS TO THE 3. OKAY, I'LL DO IT, OKAY! OKAY, GREAT!

OKAY, I'LL DO IT, OKAY! OKAY, GREAT! [KNOCK ON DOOR]

OKAY, GREAT! [KNOCK ON DOOR] WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER. OH, EXCUSE ME.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER. OH, EXCUSE ME. OH, A NOTE.

OH, EXCUSE ME. OH, A NOTE. HERE.

OH, A NOTE. HERE. "PLEASE ACCEPT THIS BIG PILE OF

HERE. "PLEASE ACCEPT THIS BIG PILE OF DIRT.

"PLEASE ACCEPT THIS BIG PILE OF DIRT. LOVE, A SECRET ADMIRER."

DIRT. LOVE, A SECRET ADMIRER." OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ACCEPT

LOVE, A SECRET ADMIRER." OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ACCEPT SUCH A NICE THING.

OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ACCEPT SUCH A NICE THING. OH, WELL, I TRIED.

SUCH A NICE THING. OH, WELL, I TRIED. YOU MEAN IT WAS FROM YOU?

OH, WELL, I TRIED. YOU MEAN IT WAS FROM YOU? WELL, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU

YOU MEAN IT WAS FROM YOU? WELL, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO EXPRESS HOW I FELT,

WELL, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO EXPRESS HOW I FELT, AND I CAN'T OFFER YOU VERY MUCH,

SOMETHING TO EXPRESS HOW I FELT, AND I CAN'T OFFER YOU VERY MUCH, SO...

AND I CAN'T OFFER YOU VERY MUCH, SO... OH!

SO... OH! DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?

OH! DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT? OH, BUT, FATHER, I LOVE HER,

DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT? OH, BUT, FATHER, I LOVE HER, EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MARRY HER

OH, BUT, FATHER, I LOVE HER, EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MARRY HER BECAUSE SHE IS A COMMONER!

EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MARRY HER BECAUSE SHE IS A COMMONER! OH, PLEASE, FATHER... CAN'T I

BECAUSE SHE IS A COMMONER! OH, PLEASE, FATHER... CAN'T I GIVE UP THE THRONE, PLEASE, EVEN

OH, PLEASE, FATHER... CAN'T I GIVE UP THE THRONE, PLEASE, EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD MEAN THE

GIVE UP THE THRONE, PLEASE, EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD MEAN THE OVERTHROW OF OUR GOVERNMENT, THE

THOUGH IT WOULD MEAN THE OVERTHROW OF OUR GOVERNMENT, THE END OF OUR COUNTRY, THE FREE

OVERTHROW OF OUR GOVERNMENT, THE END OF OUR COUNTRY, THE FREE WORLD, DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT,

END OF OUR COUNTRY, THE FREE WORLD, DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT, AND KILL YOU FROM GRIEF?

WORLD, DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT, AND KILL YOU FROM GRIEF? WELL, ALL RIGHT.

AND KILL YOU FROM GRIEF? WELL, ALL RIGHT. OH, WAIT!

WELL, ALL RIGHT. OH, WAIT! BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PLANNED CAREER

OH, WAIT! BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PLANNED CAREER OF A PERSON WHO COMES TO YOUR

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PLANNED CAREER OF A PERSON WHO COMES TO YOUR HOUSE AND REARRANGES MOSTLY

OF A PERSON WHO COMES TO YOUR HOUSE AND REARRANGES MOSTLY YELLOW FLOWERS?

HOUSE AND REARRANGES MOSTLY YELLOW FLOWERS? YOU CAN BE THAT AND A QUEEN!

YELLOW FLOWERS? YOU CAN BE THAT AND A QUEEN! OH, PAPA.

YOU CAN BE THAT AND A QUEEN! OH, PAPA. GEE, THINGS DON'T SEEM TO BE

OH, PAPA. GEE, THINGS DON'T SEEM TO BE WORKING OUT FOR ME.

GEE, THINGS DON'T SEEM TO BE WORKING OUT FOR ME. MAYBE NEW YORK'S NOT MY KIND OF

WORKING OUT FOR ME. MAYBE NEW YORK'S NOT MY KIND OF TOWN.

MAYBE NEW YORK'S NOT MY KIND OF TOWN. I THINK I'LL GIVE UP AND GO

TOWN. I THINK I'LL GIVE UP AND GO HOME.

I THINK I'LL GIVE UP AND GO HOME. LOOK, ON THAT LEDGE!

HOME. LOOK, ON THAT LEDGE! IT'S A TEXAS OIL MAN, AND HE'S

LOOK, ON THAT LEDGE! IT'S A TEXAS OIL MAN, AND HE'S ABOUT TO JUMP AND HE WON'T

IT'S A TEXAS OIL MAN, AND HE'S ABOUT TO JUMP AND HE WON'T LISTEN TO ANYBODY!

ABOUT TO JUMP AND HE WON'T LISTEN TO ANYBODY! YOU GET IN HERE!

LISTEN TO ANYBODY! YOU GET IN HERE! IT WORKED!

YOU GET IN HERE! IT WORKED! [ALL CHEERING]

IT WORKED! [ALL CHEERING] YOU GET THE $10 BILLION!

[ALL CHEERING] YOU GET THE $10 BILLION! A REWARD!

YOU GET THE $10 BILLION! A REWARD! YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT A

A REWARD! YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT A HUSBAND AND A CAREER?

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT A HUSBAND AND A CAREER? WAIT.

HUSBAND AND A CAREER? WAIT. WHAT'S THIS?

WAIT. WHAT'S THIS? "WHOEVER FINDS THIS NOTE GETS A

WHAT'S THIS? "WHOEVER FINDS THIS NOTE GETS A CAREER AND IS PERFECT IN IT FOR

"WHOEVER FINDS THIS NOTE GETS A CAREER AND IS PERFECT IN IT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, SIGNED

CAREER AND IS PERFECT IN IT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, SIGNED GOD"!

THE REST OF HER LIFE, SIGNED GOD"! OH, WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF

GOD"! OH, WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF THE CAREER!

OH, WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF THE CAREER! I LOVE YOU, HONEY.

THE CAREER! I LOVE YOU, HONEY. WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME TIE THE

I LOVE YOU, HONEY. WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME TIE THE KNOT?

WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME TIE THE KNOT? WELL, WHAT THE HEY?

KNOT? WELL, WHAT THE HEY? I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

WELL, WHAT THE HEY? I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I'M NOT REALLY A BLACK BELLHOP.

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I'M NOT REALLY A BLACK BELLHOP. I'M A WHITE MILLIONAIRE POSING

I'M NOT REALLY A BLACK BELLHOP. I'M A WHITE MILLIONAIRE POSING AS A BLACK BELLHOP.

I'M A WHITE MILLIONAIRE POSING AS A BLACK BELLHOP. I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO

AS A BLACK BELLHOP. I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME FOR ME.

I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME FOR ME. AWW!

WILL LOVE ME FOR ME. AWW! LET'S ALL GET MARRIED RIGHT

AWW! LET'S ALL GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW!

LET'S ALL GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW! YEAH!

NOW! YEAH! THERE'S A PRIEST!

YEAH! THERE'S A PRIEST! YEAH, AND HERE ARE FOUR

THERE'S A PRIEST! YEAH, AND HERE ARE FOUR DIAMOND RINGS I ALWAYS CARRY

YEAH, AND HERE ARE FOUR DIAMOND RINGS I ALWAYS CARRY WITH ME IN CASE I MEET FOUR

DIAMOND RINGS I ALWAYS CARRY WITH ME IN CASE I MEET FOUR GIRLS WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED

WITH ME IN CASE I MEET FOUR GIRLS WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

GIRLS WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME! I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND

RIGHT AWAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME! I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE. HEY, COME ON, LET'S GO SEE

WIFE. HEY, COME ON, LET'S GO SEE SUSIE IN HER OPENING NIGHT!

HEY, COME ON, LET'S GO SEE SUSIE IN HER OPENING NIGHT! YEAH, AND DINNER HERE AT THE

SUSIE IN HER OPENING NIGHT! YEAH, AND DINNER HERE AT THE HOTEL IS ON ME!

YEAH, AND DINNER HERE AT THE HOTEL IS ON ME! I OWN THE PLACE!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANDY KAUFMAN.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[LAUGHS] [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] YEAH.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH] YEAH. YEAH?

YEAH. YEAH? [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

YEAH. YEAH? [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[APPLAUSE]

♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪ ♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪ ♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪

♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪ ♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪ ♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪

♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪ ♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪ ♪ A BO DAY ♪

♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪ ♪ A BO DAY ♪ ♪ A BO DAY ♪

♪ A BO DAY ♪ ♪ A BO DAY ♪ ♪ KI CHAY WA ♪

♪ A BO DAY ♪ ♪ KI CHAY WA ♪ ♪ KI CHAY WA ♪

♪ KI CHAY WA ♪ ♪ KI CHAY WA ♪ ♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪

♪ KI CHAY WA ♪ ♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪ ♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪

♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪ ♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪ ♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪

♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪ ♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪ ♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪

♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪ ♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪ ♪ YACHADISHIBIKODISHAVILLAKA

♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪ ♪ YACHADISHIBIKODISHAVILLAKA SEKALAMINAKILOHH ♪

♪ YACHADISHIBIKODISHAVILLAKA SEKALAMINAKILOHH ♪ ♪ OHH ♪

SEKALAMINAKILOHH ♪ ♪ OHH ♪ ♪ OHH ♪

♪ OHH ♪ ♪ OHH ♪ ♪ OHH ♪

♪ OHH ♪ ♪ OHH ♪ ♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪

♪ OHH ♪ ♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪ ♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪

♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪ ♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪ [CROWD CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY]

[PLAYS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "BAD MUSICAL," WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

FOR "BAD MUSICAL," WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. GOOD EVENING.

HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. GOOD EVENING. I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND

GOOD EVENING. I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD

I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD MUSICAL."

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD MUSICAL." TONIGHT'S BAD MUSICAL IS

MUSICAL." TONIGHT'S BAD MUSICAL IS ENTITLED "LEEUWENHOEK," AND IS

TONIGHT'S BAD MUSICAL IS ENTITLED "LEEUWENHOEK," AND IS IN FACT THE STORY OF

ENTITLED "LEEUWENHOEK," AND IS IN FACT THE STORY OF FREDERICK LEEUWENHOEK, THE DUTCH

IN FACT THE STORY OF FREDERICK LEEUWENHOEK, THE DUTCH EYEGLASS MAKER WHO PERFECTED THE

FREDERICK LEEUWENHOEK, THE DUTCH EYEGLASS MAKER WHO PERFECTED THE FIRST WORKING COMPOUND

EYEGLASS MAKER WHO PERFECTED THE FIRST WORKING COMPOUND MICROSCOPE.

FIRST WORKING COMPOUND MICROSCOPE. IT IS EXQUISITELY BAD.

MICROSCOPE. IT IS EXQUISITELY BAD. WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT A MUSICAL

IT IS EXQUISITELY BAD. WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT A MUSICAL WHICH CONCERNS ITSELF WITH THE

WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT A MUSICAL WHICH CONCERNS ITSELF WITH THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE MICROSCOPE?

WHICH CONCERNS ITSELF WITH THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE MICROSCOPE? WELL, HANS VAN DER SCHEENEN MUST

DEVELOPMENT OF THE MICROSCOPE? WELL, HANS VAN DER SCHEENEN MUST HAVE, OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE

WELL, HANS VAN DER SCHEENEN MUST HAVE, OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN IT.

HAVE, OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN IT. IT OPENED ON VERY-OFF-BROADWAY

WRITTEN IT. IT OPENED ON VERY-OFF-BROADWAY IN 1953 AND CLOSED IN 2 1/2

IT OPENED ON VERY-OFF-BROADWAY IN 1953 AND CLOSED IN 2 1/2 MINUTES.

IN 1953 AND CLOSED IN 2 1/2 MINUTES. IT CONCERNS LEEUWENHOEK'S SEARCH

MINUTES. IT CONCERNS LEEUWENHOEK'S SEARCH FOR THE MINUTAE OF EVERYDAY

IT CONCERNS LEEUWENHOEK'S SEARCH FOR THE MINUTAE OF EVERYDAY EXTERNAL PHENOMENA VERSUS THE

FOR THE MINUTAE OF EVERYDAY EXTERNAL PHENOMENA VERSUS THE ANTAGONISM FROM HIS CHIDING

EXTERNAL PHENOMENA VERSUS THE ANTAGONISM FROM HIS CHIDING DUTCH HOUSEWIFE, WHO ONLY WANTS

ANTAGONISM FROM HIS CHIDING DUTCH HOUSEWIFE, WHO ONLY WANTS HIS ATTENTION.

DUTCH HOUSEWIFE, WHO ONLY WANTS HIS ATTENTION. IT'S BASICALLY A TRIANGLE

HIS ATTENTION. IT'S BASICALLY A TRIANGLE BETWEEN HER, LEEUWENHOEK, HIS

IT'S BASICALLY A TRIANGLE BETWEEN HER, LEEUWENHOEK, HIS MICROSCOPE, AND HER DELFT CHINA,

BETWEEN HER, LEEUWENHOEK, HIS MICROSCOPE, AND HER DELFT CHINA, WHICH IS A BAD TRIANGLE, BECAUSE

MICROSCOPE, AND HER DELFT CHINA, WHICH IS A BAD TRIANGLE, BECAUSE IT'S A RECTANGLE.

WHICH IS A BAD TRIANGLE, BECAUSE IT'S A RECTANGLE. THE MUSICAL OPENS AND CLOSES IN

IT'S A RECTANGLE. THE MUSICAL OPENS AND CLOSES IN LEEUWENHOEK'S COTTAGE IN THE

THE MUSICAL OPENS AND CLOSES IN LEEUWENHOEK'S COTTAGE IN THE DUTCH COUNTRYSIDE NEAR THE OLD

LEEUWENHOEK'S COTTAGE IN THE DUTCH COUNTRYSIDE NEAR THE OLD HEINEKEN BREWERY.

DUTCH COUNTRYSIDE NEAR THE OLD HEINEKEN BREWERY. HIS WIFE, EVA, IS POLISHING THE

HEINEKEN BREWERY. HIS WIFE, EVA, IS POLISHING THE DELFT CHINA.

HIS WIFE, EVA, IS POLISHING THE DELFT CHINA. GRETA, HIS DAUGHTER, IS SEWING,

DELFT CHINA. GRETA, HIS DAUGHTER, IS SEWING, AND JORG, THE DISHONEST

GRETA, HIS DAUGHTER, IS SEWING, AND JORG, THE DISHONEST LENS-GRINDER OF AMSTEL, IS

AND JORG, THE DISHONEST LENS-GRINDER OF AMSTEL, IS EAVESDROPPING AS OUR BAD MUSICAL

LENS-GRINDER OF AMSTEL, IS EAVESDROPPING AS OUR BAD MUSICAL BEGINS.

♪ LOOK OUT, WORLD, HERE I COME ♪ ♪ GONNA MAKE A SPLASH, HAVE SOME

COME ♪ ♪ GONNA MAKE A SPLASH, HAVE SOME FUN ♪

♪ GONNA MAKE A SPLASH, HAVE SOME FUN ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M LEEUWENHOEK ♪

FUN ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT

♪ 'CAUSE I'M LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ HE'S WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ♪

LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ HE'S WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ♪ ♪ HE'S NOT A SCHLOOK, HE'S

♪ HE'S WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ♪ ♪ HE'S NOT A SCHLOOK, HE'S LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ HE'S NOT A SCHLOOK, HE'S LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT TO SAY ♪

LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT TO SAY ♪ OH, I WISH YOU'D LOOK AT ME

♪ THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT TO SAY ♪ OH, I WISH YOU'D LOOK AT ME SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF ALL THAT

OH, I WISH YOU'D LOOK AT ME SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF ALL THAT SCHMUTZ UNDERNEATH YOUR

SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF ALL THAT SCHMUTZ UNDERNEATH YOUR MICROSCOPE.

SCHMUTZ UNDERNEATH YOUR MICROSCOPE. ♪ OH, MAYBE I'M TOO BIG FOR

MICROSCOPE. ♪ OH, MAYBE I'M TOO BIG FOR HIM ♪

♪ OH, MAYBE I'M TOO BIG FOR HIM ♪ ♪ MAYBE I'M TOO BIG ♪

HIM ♪ ♪ MAYBE I'M TOO BIG ♪ ♪ IF I SHRUNK MYSELF DOWN TO THE

♪ MAYBE I'M TOO BIG ♪ ♪ IF I SHRUNK MYSELF DOWN TO THE SIZE OF AN AMOEBA ♪

♪ IF I SHRUNK MYSELF DOWN TO THE SIZE OF AN AMOEBA ♪ ♪ THEN MAYBE HE WOULD TAKE A

SIZE OF AN AMOEBA ♪ ♪ THEN MAYBE HE WOULD TAKE A LOOK AT ME ♪

♪ THEN MAYBE HE WOULD TAKE A LOOK AT ME ♪ I CAN SEE YOU JUST FINE.

LOOK AT ME ♪ I CAN SEE YOU JUST FINE. ♪ LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪

I CAN SEE YOU JUST FINE. ♪ LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪ ♪ LET ALL THE REST GO TO HELL ♪

♪ LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪ ♪ LET ALL THE REST GO TO HELL ♪ ♪ WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN AND LATER

♪ LET ALL THE REST GO TO HELL ♪ ♪ WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN AND LATER EAT A BUN ♪

♪ WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN AND LATER EAT A BUN ♪ ♪ SO LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪

I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING! I'M A MISERABLE FAILURE! I NEED A BEER.

I'M A MISERABLE FAILURE! I NEED A BEER. HOW ABOUT A HEINIE, HONEY?

I NEED A BEER. HOW ABOUT A HEINIE, HONEY? DID YOU EVER THINK OF

HOW ABOUT A HEINIE, HONEY? DID YOU EVER THINK OF CLEANING THESE GLASSES?

DID YOU EVER THINK OF CLEANING THESE GLASSES? HERE, NOW TRY THIS.

CLEANING THESE GLASSES? HERE, NOW TRY THIS. [GASPS]

HERE, NOW TRY THIS. [GASPS] IT'S A MIRACLE!

[GASPS] IT'S A MIRACLE! ♪ I CAN SEE PLASMA ON THE

IT'S A MIRACLE! ♪ I CAN SEE PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪ ♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪

DELFT ♪ ♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT?

♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT? ♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪

PLASMA ON THE DELFT? ♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪ ♪ I'LL SEE BLOOD CLOTS AS BIG

♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪ ♪ I'LL SEE BLOOD CLOTS AS BIG AS THE SQUARE IN AMSTERDAM ♪

♪ I'LL SEE BLOOD CLOTS AS BIG AS THE SQUARE IN AMSTERDAM ♪ ♪ AMSTERDAM ♪

AS THE SQUARE IN AMSTERDAM ♪ ♪ AMSTERDAM ♪ ♪ HYDRA AS BIG AS THE

♪ AMSTERDAM ♪ ♪ HYDRA AS BIG AS THE WINDMILL TOWER ♪

♪ HYDRA AS BIG AS THE WINDMILL TOWER ♪ PHLEGM AS BIG AS THE RIFTS!

WINDMILL TOWER ♪ PHLEGM AS BIG AS THE RIFTS! ♪ MICROBES AND YOUR CROBES

PHLEGM AS BIG AS THE RIFTS! ♪ MICROBES AND YOUR CROBES AND ZYGOTES AND MY GOTES ♪

♪ MICROBES AND YOUR CROBES AND ZYGOTES AND MY GOTES ♪ ♪ VIRUSES AND RATIFIERS AND

AND ZYGOTES AND MY GOTES ♪ ♪ VIRUSES AND RATIFIERS AND RHIZOIDS AND DIATOMS AND

♪ VIRUSES AND RATIFIERS AND RHIZOIDS AND DIATOMS AND MICROSPORES! ♪

RHIZOIDS AND DIATOMS AND MICROSPORES! ♪ ♪ AND SPERM ♪

MICROSPORES! ♪ ♪ AND SPERM ♪ ♪ AND EGGS ♪

♪ AND SPERM ♪ ♪ AND EGGS ♪ ♪ AND TOAST ♪

♪ AND EGGS ♪ ♪ AND TOAST ♪ ♪ THE MOST MICRO MINIATURE

♪ AND TOAST ♪ ♪ THE MOST MICRO MINIATURE EENY-BEENY SQUEENY LITTLE TEENY

♪ THE MOST MICRO MINIATURE EENY-BEENY SQUEENY LITTLE TEENY TINY ITTY-BITTY TEENY-WEENY

EENY-BEENY SQUEENY LITTLE TEENY TINY ITTY-BITTY TEENY-WEENY ITTY-BITTY LITTLE THINGS ♪

TINY ITTY-BITTY TEENY-WEENY ITTY-BITTY LITTLE THINGS ♪ ♪ EVERY DOT, EVERY SPECK,

ITTY-BITTY LITTLE THINGS ♪ ♪ EVERY DOT, EVERY SPECK, EVERY FLECK, EVERY FLEA ♪

♪ EVERY DOT, EVERY SPECK, EVERY FLECK, EVERY FLEA ♪ ♪ IN HOLLAND ♪

EVERY FLECK, EVERY FLEA ♪ ♪ IN HOLLAND ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ IN HOLLAND ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,

♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK! ♪

LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK! ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ LEEUWENHOEK! ♪ ♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪ WHAT A KOOK!

♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪ WHAT A KOOK! LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,

WHAT A KOOK! LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, WHAT A KOOK.

LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK, WHAT A KOOK. MARVELOUSLY BAD, REALLY BITES

LEEUWENHOEK, WHAT A KOOK. MARVELOUSLY BAD, REALLY BITES THE BIG ONE.

MARVELOUSLY BAD, REALLY BITES THE BIG ONE. TONIGHT'S CAST OF "LEEUWENHOEK"

THE BIG ONE. TONIGHT'S CAST OF "LEEUWENHOEK" WAS ENTIRELY PLAYED BY THE

TONIGHT'S CAST OF "LEEUWENHOEK" WAS ENTIRELY PLAYED BY THE SERVICE STAFF OF THE GLENDALE

WAS ENTIRELY PLAYED BY THE SERVICE STAFF OF THE GLENDALE HOSPITAL FOR WRIST DISORDERS.

SERVICE STAFF OF THE GLENDALE HOSPITAL FOR WRIST DISORDERS. THANK YOU.

HOSPITAL FOR WRIST DISORDERS. THANK YOU. JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON "BAD

THANK YOU. JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON "BAD MUSICAL" WHEN WE PRESENT "SEVEN

JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON "BAD MUSICAL" WHEN WE PRESENT "SEVEN UPHOLSTERERS IN SEARCH OF SEVEN

MUSICAL" WHEN WE PRESENT "SEVEN UPHOLSTERERS IN SEARCH OF SEVEN CHAIRS."

UPHOLSTERERS IN SEARCH OF SEVEN CHAIRS." UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,

CHAIRS." UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING YOU GOOD EVENING.

HOW YOU DOING TONIGHT, WILLIE? I'M DOING FINE.

WILLIE? I'M DOING FINE. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M DOING FINE. HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M DOING FINE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M DOING FINE. YOU READY TO SING OUR NEW SONG?

I'M DOING FINE. YOU READY TO SING OUR NEW SONG? I'M READY. LET'S DO IT.

YOU READY TO SING OUR NEW SONG? I'M READY. LET'S DO IT. WELL, HIT IT, BOYS.

I'M READY. LET'S DO IT. WELL, HIT IT, BOYS. [BAND BEGINS "SOMETHING TO

WELL, HIT IT, BOYS. [BAND BEGINS "SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT"]

[BAND BEGINS "SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT"] ♪ WELL, I'VE GOT A REAL

[BRAG ABOUT"] ♪ WELL, I'VE GOT A REAL IMPORTANT JOB ♪

♪ WELL, I'VE GOT A REAL IMPORTANT JOB ♪ ♪ IN A LARGE OFFICE BUILDING ♪

IMPORTANT JOB ♪ ♪ IN A LARGE OFFICE BUILDING ♪ ♪ RIDING PEOPLE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪

♪ IN A LARGE OFFICE BUILDING ♪ ♪ RIDING PEOPLE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪ ♪ AND I DRIVE A '57 CHEVROLET ♪

♪ RIDING PEOPLE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪ ♪ AND I DRIVE A '57 CHEVROLET ♪ ♪ WITH A BUSTED TAILLIGHT,

♪ AND I DRIVE A '57 CHEVROLET ♪ ♪ WITH A BUSTED TAILLIGHT, BURNED-OUT VALVES, AND A LEAKY

♪ WITH A BUSTED TAILLIGHT, BURNED-OUT VALVES, AND A LEAKY RADIATOR ♪

BURNED-OUT VALVES, AND A LEAKY RADIATOR ♪ ♪ AND I WEAR A $20 SUIT THAT I

RADIATOR ♪ ♪ AND I WEAR A $20 SUIT THAT I BOUGHT FROM J.C. PENNEY'S BACK

♪ AND I WEAR A $20 SUIT THAT I BOUGHT FROM J.C. PENNEY'S BACK IN 1962 ♪

BOUGHT FROM J.C. PENNEY'S BACK IN 1962 ♪ ♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG

IN 1962 ♪ ♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN

ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN YOU ♪

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN YOU ♪ ♪ WELL, I'M A SHORT-ORDER

YOU ♪ ♪ WELL, I'M A SHORT-ORDER COOK IN AN ALL-NIGHT CAFé ♪

♪ WELL, I'M A SHORT-ORDER COOK IN AN ALL-NIGHT CAFé ♪ ♪ DOWN ON 18th AVENUE AND 12th

COOK IN AN ALL-NIGHT CAFé ♪ ♪ DOWN ON 18th AVENUE AND 12th STREET ♪

♪ DOWN ON 18th AVENUE AND 12th STREET ♪ ♪ I WEAR A SWINGING MINI DRESS ♪

STREET ♪ ♪ I WEAR A SWINGING MINI DRESS ♪ ♪ THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF ♪

♪ I WEAR A SWINGING MINI DRESS ♪ ♪ THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF ♪ ♪ FROM MAMA'S KITCHEN CURTAINS

♪ THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF ♪ ♪ FROM MAMA'S KITCHEN CURTAINS AND OLD BED SHEETS ♪

♪ FROM MAMA'S KITCHEN CURTAINS AND OLD BED SHEETS ♪ ♪ I GOT 17 PAGES OF TOP VALUE

AND OLD BED SHEETS ♪ ♪ I GOT 17 PAGES OF TOP VALUE STAMPS ♪

♪ I GOT 17 PAGES OF TOP VALUE STAMPS ♪ ♪ ONE OLD PAIR OF SHOES ♪

STAMPS ♪ ♪ ONE OLD PAIR OF SHOES ♪ ♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG

♪ ONE OLD PAIR OF SHOES ♪ ♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN

ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN YOU ♪

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN YOU ♪ ♪ WELL, WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE

YOU ♪ ♪ WELL, WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE FELLAS, I KNOW YOU START

♪ WELL, WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE FELLAS, I KNOW YOU START BRAGGING 'BOUT MY HOURGLASS

FELLAS, I KNOW YOU START BRAGGING 'BOUT MY HOURGLASS FIGURE AND MY BIG BROWN EYES ♪

BRAGGING 'BOUT MY HOURGLASS FIGURE AND MY BIG BROWN EYES ♪ ♪ AND YOU TELL YOUR

FIGURE AND MY BIG BROWN EYES ♪ ♪ AND YOU TELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS 'BOUT MY SWEET,

♪ AND YOU TELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS 'BOUT MY SWEET, SWEET LOVING ♪

GIRLFRIENDS 'BOUT MY SWEET, SWEET LOVING ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S ONE FIGURE THAT

SWEET LOVING ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S ONE FIGURE THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪

♪ AND THAT'S ONE FIGURE THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪ ♪ SO LET'S GET MARRIED IN THE

MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪ ♪ SO LET'S GET MARRIED IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE ♪

♪ SO LET'S GET MARRIED IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE ♪ ♪ WE'LL RENT A LITTLE FLAT ON

NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE ♪ ♪ WE'LL RENT A LITTLE FLAT ON 29th STREET ♪

♪ WE'LL RENT A LITTLE FLAT ON 29th STREET ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, WE'LL HANG OUR

29th STREET ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, WE'LL HANG OUR WASHING FROM THE CLOTHESLINE ON

♪ YOU KNOW, WE'LL HANG OUR WASHING FROM THE CLOTHESLINE ON THE WINDOW ♪

WASHING FROM THE CLOTHESLINE ON THE WINDOW ♪ ♪ WE'LL FEAST ON CORNBREAD,

THE WINDOW ♪ ♪ WE'LL FEAST ON CORNBREAD, BUTTER BEANS AND LUNCH MEAT ♪

♪ WE'LL FEAST ON CORNBREAD, BUTTER BEANS AND LUNCH MEAT ♪ ♪ WE WON'T HAVE A THERMOSTAT,

BUTTER BEANS AND LUNCH MEAT ♪ ♪ WE WON'T HAVE A THERMOSTAT, A BIG, LONG CADILLAC, BUT WE'LL

♪ WE WON'T HAVE A THERMOSTAT, A BIG, LONG CADILLAC, BUT WE'LL HAVE A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ♪

A BIG, LONG CADILLAC, BUT WE'LL HAVE A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ♪ ♪ AND I'LL HAVE ♪

HAVE A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ♪ ♪ AND I'LL HAVE ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ AND I'LL HAVE ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ YEAH, AND I'LL HAVE

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ YEAH, AND I'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ YEAH, AND I'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN

SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN YOU ♪

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN YOU ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT, MOM, AND ON THE FIFTH NIGHT, LARRY GAVE ME A BEAUTIFUL MATCHING TOP, AND THEN LAST

NIGHT, LARRY GAVE ME A BEAUTIFUL MATCHING TOP, AND THEN LAST NIGHT I GOT A LOVELY MATCHING

MATCHING TOP, AND THEN LAST NIGHT I GOT A LOVELY MATCHING PURSE, AND TOMORROW, FOR THE

NIGHT I GOT A LOVELY MATCHING PURSE, AND TOMORROW, FOR THE LAST NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, LARRY'S

PURSE, AND TOMORROW, FOR THE LAST NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, LARRY'S TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER SO I CAN

LAST NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, LARRY'S TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER SO I CAN WEAR THE WHOLE MATCHING OUTFIT.

TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER SO I CAN WEAR THE WHOLE MATCHING OUTFIT. YEAH, IT'S VERY SWEET.

WEAR THE WHOLE MATCHING OUTFIT. YEAH, IT'S VERY SWEET. WELL, MOM, LOOK, I'VE GOT TO

YEAH, IT'S VERY SWEET. WELL, MOM, LOOK, I'VE GOT TO RUN, BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING

WELL, MOM, LOOK, I'VE GOT TO RUN, BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING LARRY'S BOSS AND HIS WIFE OVER

RUN, BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING LARRY'S BOSS AND HIS WIFE OVER FOR DINNER.

LARRY'S BOSS AND HIS WIFE OVER FOR DINNER. YES, THEY'RE GENTILE. YEAH.

FOR DINNER. YES, THEY'RE GENTILE. YEAH. WELL, THEY'RE A VERY NICE

YES, THEY'RE GENTILE. YEAH. WELL, THEY'RE A VERY NICE COUPLE, AND I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE

WELL, THEY'RE A VERY NICE COUPLE, AND I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE THEM OVER FOR DINNER AND LIGHT

COUPLE, AND I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE THEM OVER FOR DINNER AND LIGHT THE CANDLES AND TELL THEM A

THEM OVER FOR DINNER AND LIGHT THE CANDLES AND TELL THEM A LITTLE ABOUT CHANUKAH.

THE CANDLES AND TELL THEM A LITTLE ABOUT CHANUKAH. WELL... OH, MOM, LARRY'S HOME.

LITTLE ABOUT CHANUKAH. WELL... OH, MOM, LARRY'S HOME. I GOT TO GO.

WELL... OH, MOM, LARRY'S HOME. I GOT TO GO. I GOT TO CHECK DINNER. OKAY.

I GOT TO GO. I GOT TO CHECK DINNER. OKAY. YEAH, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN,

I GOT TO CHECK DINNER. OKAY. YEAH, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN, RIGHT.

YEAH, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN, RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. WE'LL CALL YOU SOON.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. WE'LL CALL YOU SOON. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL CALL YOU SOON. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. OKAY, MOM. WE'LL CALL MONDAY.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. OKAY, MOM. WE'LL CALL MONDAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, MOM. WE'LL CALL MONDAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. BYE, MOM. BYE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. BYE, MOM. BYE. HI, HONEY!

BYE, MOM. BYE. HI, HONEY! BOY, AM I STARVED.

HI, HONEY! BOY, AM I STARVED. LARRY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING

BOY, AM I STARVED. LARRY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING YOUR FAVORITE.

LARRY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING YOUR FAVORITE. OH, ROAST PORK.

YOUR FAVORITE. OH, ROAST PORK. SORRY I'M LATE.

OH, ROAST PORK. SORRY I'M LATE. I STOPPED OFF THE LINCOLN DELI

SORRY I'M LATE. I STOPPED OFF THE LINCOLN DELI TO PICK UP THIS COFFEE RING.

I STOPPED OFF THE LINCOLN DELI TO PICK UP THIS COFFEE RING. BUT, LARRY, THE NELSONS ARE

TO PICK UP THIS COFFEE RING. BUT, LARRY, THE NELSONS ARE BRINGING DESSERT.

BUT, LARRY, THE NELSONS ARE BRINGING DESSERT. THIS IS JUST IN CASE I DON'T

BRINGING DESSERT. THIS IS JUST IN CASE I DON'T LIKE WHAT THEY BRING.

THIS IS JUST IN CASE I DON'T LIKE WHAT THEY BRING. WELL, LARRY, YOU PROMISE ME

LIKE WHAT THEY BRING. WELL, LARRY, YOU PROMISE ME YOU WON'T EAT IT TILL AFTER THEY

WELL, LARRY, YOU PROMISE ME YOU WON'T EAT IT TILL AFTER THEY LEAVE.

YOU WON'T EAT IT TILL AFTER THEY LEAVE. OKAY.

LEAVE. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, HONEY. NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY. NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. IT'S DICK AND BEVERLY, RIGHT?

NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. IT'S DICK AND BEVERLY, RIGHT? RIGHT.

IT'S DICK AND BEVERLY, RIGHT? RIGHT. NOW, WHAT'D I CALL HER LAST

RIGHT. NOW, WHAT'D I CALL HER LAST TIME... BEV OR BEVERLY?

NOW, WHAT'D I CALL HER LAST TIME... BEV OR BEVERLY? I DON'T REMEMBER.

TIME... BEV OR BEVERLY? I DON'T REMEMBER. [DOORBELL RINGS]

I DON'T REMEMBER. [DOORBELL RINGS] YOU GET THE DOOR.

[DOORBELL RINGS] YOU GET THE DOOR. I'LL GO MAKE THE GRAVY.

YOU GET THE DOOR. I'LL GO MAKE THE GRAVY. OKAY.

I'LL GO MAKE THE GRAVY. OKAY. HI!

OKAY. HI! HOW ARE YOU?

HI! HOW ARE YOU? BOY, IT'S COLDER THAN A

HOW ARE YOU? BOY, IT'S COLDER THAN A WITCH'S FREEZER OUT THERE.

BOY, IT'S COLDER THAN A WITCH'S FREEZER OUT THERE. FRUIT FOR DESSERT.

WITCH'S FREEZER OUT THERE. FRUIT FOR DESSERT. WELL, THANK YOU, BEVERLY.

FRUIT FOR DESSERT. WELL, THANK YOU, BEVERLY. FRUIT.

WELL, THANK YOU, BEVERLY. FRUIT. JUST CALL ME BEV.

FRUIT. JUST CALL ME BEV. BEV. OKAY.

JUST CALL ME BEV. BEV. OKAY. DICK, GIVE ME YOUR COAT.

BEV. OKAY. DICK, GIVE ME YOUR COAT. OH, LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT,

DICK, GIVE ME YOUR COAT. OH, LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT, PLEASE.

OH, LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT, PLEASE. ALL RIGHT.

PLEASE. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LARRY, WHERE IS YOUR

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LARRY, WHERE IS YOUR ATTRACTIVE WIFE, ANYWAY?

LARRY, WHERE IS YOUR ATTRACTIVE WIFE, ANYWAY? OH, HERE I AM!

ATTRACTIVE WIFE, ANYWAY? OH, HERE I AM! HI, DICK. HI, BEVER...

OH, HERE I AM! HI, DICK. HI, BEVER... BOBBI, I'LL TELL YOU, THESE

HI, DICK. HI, BEVER... BOBBI, I'LL TELL YOU, THESE "CHA-NOO-KUH" DECORATIONS ARE

BOBBI, I'LL TELL YOU, THESE "CHA-NOO-KUH" DECORATIONS ARE ADORABLE.

"CHA-NOO-KUH" DECORATIONS ARE ADORABLE. OH, THANK YOU.

ADORABLE. OH, THANK YOU. HONEY, THAT'S CHHHANUKAH.

OH, THANK YOU. HONEY, THAT'S CHHHANUKAH. AM I RIGHT, LARRY?

HONEY, THAT'S CHHHANUKAH. AM I RIGHT, LARRY? YEAH.

AM I RIGHT, LARRY? YEAH. CHHHANUKAH. CHHHANUKAH.

YEAH. CHHHANUKAH. CHHHANUKAH. OH, COME ON, EVERYBODY, BE

CHHHANUKAH. CHHHANUKAH. OH, COME ON, EVERYBODY, BE COMFORTABLE.

OH, COME ON, EVERYBODY, BE COMFORTABLE. SIT DOWN, HAVE A SEAT.

COMFORTABLE. SIT DOWN, HAVE A SEAT. WELL, I'M STARVED.

SIT DOWN, HAVE A SEAT. WELL, I'M STARVED. IS DINNER READY, HONEY?

WELL, I'M STARVED. IS DINNER READY, HONEY? WELL, HONEY, FIRST, I THOUGHT

IS DINNER READY, HONEY? WELL, HONEY, FIRST, I THOUGHT WE'D LIGHT THE CHANUKAH CANDLES.

WELL, HONEY, FIRST, I THOUGHT WE'D LIGHT THE CHANUKAH CANDLES. YOU SEE, BECAUSE IT'S SUNDOWN.

WE'D LIGHT THE CHANUKAH CANDLES. YOU SEE, BECAUSE IT'S SUNDOWN. YOU SEE, A JEWISH DAY BEGINS AT

YOU SEE, BECAUSE IT'S SUNDOWN. YOU SEE, A JEWISH DAY BEGINS AT SUNDOWN BECAUSE THE JEWISH

YOU SEE, A JEWISH DAY BEGINS AT SUNDOWN BECAUSE THE JEWISH CALENDAR DATES BACK 5,000 YEARS,

SUNDOWN BECAUSE THE JEWISH CALENDAR DATES BACK 5,000 YEARS, AND THE SUN WAS ALWAYS THE MOST

CALENDAR DATES BACK 5,000 YEARS, AND THE SUN WAS ALWAYS THE MOST RELIABLE CLOCK.

AND THE SUN WAS ALWAYS THE MOST RELIABLE CLOCK. YEAH.

RELIABLE CLOCK. YEAH. YOU KNOW, JUDAISM PREDATES

YEAH. YOU KNOW, JUDAISM PREDATES CHRISTIANITY.

YOU KNOW, JUDAISM PREDATES CHRISTIANITY. WELL, OF COURSE.

CHRISTIANITY. WELL, OF COURSE. JESUS WAS A JEW.

WELL, OF COURSE. JESUS WAS A JEW. AND IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR

JESUS WAS A JEW. AND IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR JUDAISM, THEN JESUS WOULD NEVER

AND IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR JUDAISM, THEN JESUS WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN.

JUDAISM, THEN JESUS WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN. THAT'S RIGHT.

HAVE BEEN BORN. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS PUZZLED

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS PUZZLED ME WHY THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST.

THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS PUZZLED ME WHY THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST. UH...

ME WHY THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST. UH... OH, NO, THAT'S... WE DIDN'T KILL

UH... OH, NO, THAT'S... WE DIDN'T KILL HIM.

OH, NO, THAT'S... WE DIDN'T KILL HIM. THE ROMANS KILLED HIM.

HIM. THE ROMANS KILLED HIM. NO, I BELIEVE THE JEWS KILLED

THE ROMANS KILLED HIM. NO, I BELIEVE THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST.

NO, I BELIEVE THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST. NO, THAT'S A MYTH.

CHRIST. NO, THAT'S A MYTH. WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE

NO, THAT'S A MYTH. WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CHANUKAH

WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CHANUKAH STORY.

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CHANUKAH STORY. NOW, THIS CANDELABRA IS CALLED A

STORY. NOW, THIS CANDELABRA IS CALLED A MENORAH, AND THESE SEVEN CANDLES

NOW, THIS CANDELABRA IS CALLED A MENORAH, AND THESE SEVEN CANDLES REPRESENT THAT THIS IS THE

MENORAH, AND THESE SEVEN CANDLES REPRESENT THAT THIS IS THE SEVENTH NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, WHICH

REPRESENT THAT THIS IS THE SEVENTH NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, WHICH LASTS FOR EIGHT NIGHTS.

SEVENTH NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, WHICH LASTS FOR EIGHT NIGHTS. AND THIS CANDLE IS CALLED THE

LASTS FOR EIGHT NIGHTS. AND THIS CANDLE IS CALLED THE SHAMAS.

AND THIS CANDLE IS CALLED THE SHAMAS. AND YOU USE THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT

SHAMAS. AND YOU USE THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT ALL THE OTHER CANDLES.

AND YOU USE THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT ALL THE OTHER CANDLES. THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE

ALL THE OTHER CANDLES. THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE CANDLE THAT BURNED MIRACULOUSLY

THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE CANDLE THAT BURNED MIRACULOUSLY FOR EIGHT DAYS.

CANDLE THAT BURNED MIRACULOUSLY FOR EIGHT DAYS. NO, LARRY, THE SHAMAS

FOR EIGHT DAYS. NO, LARRY, THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE EVERLASTING

NO, LARRY, THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE EVERLASTING LIGHT.

REPRESENTS THE EVERLASTING LIGHT. YOU SEE, AROUND 150 B.C.E., THE

LIGHT. YOU SEE, AROUND 150 B.C.E., THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER THE

YOU SEE, AROUND 150 B.C.E., THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER THE TEMPLE AND ALLOWED THE

SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER THE TEMPLE AND ALLOWED THE EVERLASTING LIGHT TO GO OUT.

TEMPLE AND ALLOWED THE EVERLASTING LIGHT TO GO OUT. HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING

EVERLASTING LIGHT TO GO OUT. HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT?

HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT? LARRY, WOULD YOU LET ME TELL

LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT? LARRY, WOULD YOU LET ME TELL THE STORY?

LARRY, WOULD YOU LET ME TELL THE STORY? NOW, THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER

THE STORY? NOW, THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER PALESTINE, WHERE ISRAEL IS

NOW, THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER PALESTINE, WHERE ISRAEL IS TODAY, AND THEY HAD DEFILED THE

PALESTINE, WHERE ISRAEL IS TODAY, AND THEY HAD DEFILED THE TEMPLE, THE CENTER OF JEWISH

TODAY, AND THEY HAD DEFILED THE TEMPLE, THE CENTER OF JEWISH LIFE.

TEMPLE, THE CENTER OF JEWISH LIFE. NOW, THE JEWS FORMED AN ARMY,

LIFE. NOW, THE JEWS FORMED AN ARMY, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE

NOW, THE JEWS FORMED AN ARMY, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE OUTNUMBERED 10 TO 1, THEY WERE

AND EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE OUTNUMBERED 10 TO 1, THEY WERE STILL VICTORIOUS BECAUSE OF

OUTNUMBERED 10 TO 1, THEY WERE STILL VICTORIOUS BECAUSE OF THEIR REMARKABLE LEADER,

STILL VICTORIOUS BECAUSE OF THEIR REMARKABLE LEADER, JUDAH MACCABEE, OR

THEIR REMARKABLE LEADER, JUDAH MACCABEE, OR JUDAH "THE HAMMER" MACCABEE, WHO

JUDAH MACCABEE, OR JUDAH "THE HAMMER" MACCABEE, WHO WAS SO CALLED BECAUSE HE WAS

JUDAH "THE HAMMER" MACCABEE, WHO WAS SO CALLED BECAUSE HE WAS SUCH A STRONG SOLDIER.

WAS SO CALLED BECAUSE HE WAS SUCH A STRONG SOLDIER. HOORAY FOR JUDAH!

SUCH A STRONG SOLDIER. HOORAY FOR JUDAH! HOORAY!

HOORAY FOR JUDAH! HOORAY! YEAH, THANKS.

HOORAY! YEAH, THANKS. BOY, WHAT A VICTORY!

YEAH, THANKS. BOY, WHAT A VICTORY! 10 TO 1! THEY HAD US!

BOY, WHAT A VICTORY! 10 TO 1! THEY HAD US! THE JEWS DISCOVERED THE

10 TO 1! THEY HAD US! THE JEWS DISCOVERED THE EXTINGUISHED EVERLASTING LIGHT.

THE JEWS DISCOVERED THE EXTINGUISHED EVERLASTING LIGHT. UH-OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT

EXTINGUISHED EVERLASTING LIGHT. UH-OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT WENT OUT.

UH-OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT WENT OUT. HEY, HOW CAN IT BE THE

WENT OUT. HEY, HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT

HEY, HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT?

EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT? OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IS

OUT? OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IS A SYMBOL OF THE LIGHT OF FAITH

OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IS A SYMBOL OF THE LIGHT OF FAITH THAT ALWAYS BURNS IN THE HEARTS

A SYMBOL OF THE LIGHT OF FAITH THAT ALWAYS BURNS IN THE HEARTS OF JEWS.

THAT ALWAYS BURNS IN THE HEARTS OF JEWS. OUR VICTORY TODAY PROVES THAT

OF JEWS. OUR VICTORY TODAY PROVES THAT THE LIGHT HAD NEVER REALLY GONE

OUR VICTORY TODAY PROVES THAT THE LIGHT HAD NEVER REALLY GONE OUT.

THE LIGHT HAD NEVER REALLY GONE OUT. WE MUST FIND SOME OIL AS SOON AS

OUT. WE MUST FIND SOME OIL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO REKINDLE THE LIGHT

WE MUST FIND SOME OIL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO REKINDLE THE LIGHT AND KEEP IT BURNING.

POSSIBLE TO REKINDLE THE LIGHT AND KEEP IT BURNING. OIL?

AND KEEP IT BURNING. OIL? OIL.

OIL? OIL. BUT, AMONGST THE DEVASTATION,

OIL. BUT, AMONGST THE DEVASTATION, THE JEWS COULD FIND ONLY ONE

BUT, AMONGST THE DEVASTATION, THE JEWS COULD FIND ONLY ONE VESSEL OF OIL, ENOUGH TO KEEP

THE JEWS COULD FIND ONLY ONE VESSEL OF OIL, ENOUGH TO KEEP THE LIGHT BURNING JUST ONE DAY.

VESSEL OF OIL, ENOUGH TO KEEP THE LIGHT BURNING JUST ONE DAY. WELL, I'M SORRY, JUDAH.

THE LIGHT BURNING JUST ONE DAY. WELL, I'M SORRY, JUDAH. THIS IS IT.

WELL, I'M SORRY, JUDAH. THIS IS IT. WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN

THIS IS IT. WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.

WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING. SO, JUDAH REKINDLED THE

NOTHING. SO, JUDAH REKINDLED THE LIGHT, AND EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS

SO, JUDAH REKINDLED THE LIGHT, AND EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS OIL FOR ONLY ONE DAY, WHEN TWO

LIGHT, AND EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS OIL FOR ONLY ONE DAY, WHEN TWO DAYS HAD PASSED, THE LIGHT WAS

OIL FOR ONLY ONE DAY, WHEN TWO DAYS HAD PASSED, THE LIGHT WAS STILL BURNING.

DAYS HAD PASSED, THE LIGHT WAS STILL BURNING. HEY, LOOK, THE LIGHT'S STILL

STILL BURNING. HEY, LOOK, THE LIGHT'S STILL BURNING.

HEY, LOOK, THE LIGHT'S STILL BURNING. ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SAME

BURNING. ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SAME OIL WE USUALLY USE?

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SAME OIL WE USUALLY USE? JUDAH, IT'S THE SAME OIL.

OIL WE USUALLY USE? JUDAH, IT'S THE SAME OIL. WELL, IT'LL GO OUT SOON.

JUDAH, IT'S THE SAME OIL. WELL, IT'LL GO OUT SOON. WE'VE JUST BEEN LUCKY, I'M SURE.

WELL, IT'LL GO OUT SOON. WE'VE JUST BEEN LUCKY, I'M SURE. BUT THE THIRD AND THEN THE

WE'VE JUST BEEN LUCKY, I'M SURE. BUT THE THIRD AND THEN THE FOURTH DAYS PASSED, AND STILL

BUT THE THIRD AND THEN THE FOURTH DAYS PASSED, AND STILL THE LIGHT BURNED.

FOURTH DAYS PASSED, AND STILL THE LIGHT BURNED. BOY, LOOK AT THAT LIGHT.

THE LIGHT BURNED. BOY, LOOK AT THAT LIGHT. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

BOY, LOOK AT THAT LIGHT. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. OKAY, SOMEBODY'S SNEAKING IN

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. OKAY, SOMEBODY'S SNEAKING IN OIL WHILE THE OTHERS ARE

OKAY, SOMEBODY'S SNEAKING IN OIL WHILE THE OTHERS ARE SLEEPING.

OIL WHILE THE OTHERS ARE SLEEPING. NO, MICHAEL AND I STAYED UP

SLEEPING. NO, MICHAEL AND I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT JUST TO CHECK.

NO, MICHAEL AND I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT JUST TO CHECK. WELL, FRANKLY, RIGHT NOW,

ALL NIGHT JUST TO CHECK. WELL, FRANKLY, RIGHT NOW, THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO A MIRACLE.

WELL, FRANKLY, RIGHT NOW, THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO A MIRACLE. AND THE FIFTH DAY AND THE

THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO A MIRACLE. AND THE FIFTH DAY AND THE SIXTH DAY PASSED, AND STILL THE

AND THE FIFTH DAY AND THE SIXTH DAY PASSED, AND STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON.

SIXTH DAY PASSED, AND STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON. OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A

LIGHT BURNED ON. OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A MIRACLE.

OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A MIRACLE. HEY, JUDAH SAYS THIS IS A

MIRACLE. HEY, JUDAH SAYS THIS IS A MIRACLE!

HEY, JUDAH SAYS THIS IS A MIRACLE! All: HOORAY!

MIRACLE! All: HOORAY! AND THE SEVENTH DAY PASSED,

All: HOORAY! AND THE SEVENTH DAY PASSED, BUT STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON.

AND THE SEVENTH DAY PASSED, BUT STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON. THEN CAME THE EIGHTH AND FINAL

BUT STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON. THEN CAME THE EIGHTH AND FINAL NIGHT.

THEN CAME THE EIGHTH AND FINAL NIGHT. HEY, EVERYBODY, THE LIGHT

NIGHT. HEY, EVERYBODY, THE LIGHT JUST WENT OUT.

HEY, EVERYBODY, THE LIGHT JUST WENT OUT. OH, NUTS, AND I WANTED TO SEE

JUST WENT OUT. OH, NUTS, AND I WANTED TO SEE IT GO OUT.

OH, NUTS, AND I WANTED TO SEE IT GO OUT. MEN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

IT GO OUT. MEN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. I THINK THAT THIS WHOLE THING,

MEN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. I THINK THAT THIS WHOLE THING, THE MIRACULOUS VICTORY, THIS

I THINK THAT THIS WHOLE THING, THE MIRACULOUS VICTORY, THIS MIRACLE WITH THE LIGHT... IT'S A

THE MIRACULOUS VICTORY, THIS MIRACLE WITH THE LIGHT... IT'S A HOLY DAY.

MIRACLE WITH THE LIGHT... IT'S A HOLY DAY. AND I SAY THE HOLY DAY SHOULD BE

HOLY DAY. AND I SAY THE HOLY DAY SHOULD BE CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS AND

AND I SAY THE HOLY DAY SHOULD BE CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS AND NIGHTS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG

CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS AND NIGHTS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG THE CANDLE BURNED.

NIGHTS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG THE CANDLE BURNED. AND WHAT SHOULD WE CALL THIS

THE CANDLE BURNED. AND WHAT SHOULD WE CALL THIS HOLY DAY?

AND WHAT SHOULD WE CALL THIS HOLY DAY? OH, I DON'T KNOW.

HOLY DAY? OH, I DON'T KNOW. WHO WILL GIVE THE HOLY DAY A

OH, I DON'T KNOW. WHO WILL GIVE THE HOLY DAY A NAME?

WHO WILL GIVE THE HOLY DAY A NAME? I WILL!

NAME? I WILL! OKAY, THEN, CHANUKAH, YOU

I WILL! OKAY, THEN, CHANUKAH, YOU NAME THE HOLY DAY.

OKAY, THEN, CHANUKAH, YOU NAME THE HOLY DAY. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

NAME THE HOLY DAY. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT. AND THAT'S THE STORY OF

ALL RIGHT. AND THAT'S THE STORY OF CHANUKAH AND WHY IT'S CELEBRATED

AND THAT'S THE STORY OF CHANUKAH AND WHY IT'S CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS.

CHANUKAH AND WHY IT'S CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY,

FOR EIGHT DAYS. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY, BOBBI.

THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY, BOBBI. THANK YOU.

BOBBI. THANK YOU. NOW, I'VE LIGHTED THE CANDLES,

THANK YOU. NOW, I'VE LIGHTED THE CANDLES, AND THIS IS THE PRAYER WE SAY.

NOW, I'VE LIGHTED THE CANDLES, AND THIS IS THE PRAYER WE SAY. BARUKH ATAH ADONAI, ELOHEINU,

AND THIS IS THE PRAYER WE SAY. BARUKH ATAH ADONAI, ELOHEINU, MELEKH HA'OLAM ASHER KIDISHANU

BARUKH ATAH ADONAI, ELOHEINU, MELEKH HA'OLAM ASHER KIDISHANU B'MITZ'VOTAV V'TZIVANU L'HAD'LIK

MELEKH HA'OLAM ASHER KIDISHANU B'MITZ'VOTAV V'TZIVANU L'HAD'LIK NEIR SHEL CHANUKAH.

B'MITZ'VOTAV V'TZIVANU L'HAD'LIK NEIR SHEL CHANUKAH. BLESSED ART THOU, OH, LORD, OUR

NEIR SHEL CHANUKAH. BLESSED ART THOU, OH, LORD, OUR GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE,

BLESSED ART THOU, OH, LORD, OUR GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE, WHO COMMANDED US TO KINDLE THE

GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE, WHO COMMANDED US TO KINDLE THE CHANUKAH LIGHTS.

WHO COMMANDED US TO KINDLE THE CHANUKAH LIGHTS. AMEN.

CHANUKAH LIGHTS. AMEN. AMEN.

AMEN. AMEN. YOU KNOW, USUALLY I'M PRETTY

AMEN. YOU KNOW, USUALLY I'M PRETTY CYNICAL ABOUT...

YOU KNOW, USUALLY I'M PRETTY CYNICAL ABOUT... HOLIDAYS.

CYNICAL ABOUT... HOLIDAYS. I GOT A LITTLE MISTY, TOO,

HOLIDAYS. I GOT A LITTLE MISTY, TOO, LARRY.

I GOT A LITTLE MISTY, TOO, LARRY. YOU KNOW, USUALLY, I'M PRETTY

LARRY. YOU KNOW, USUALLY, I'M PRETTY CYNICAL ABOUT THE HOLIDAY

YOU KNOW, USUALLY, I'M PRETTY CYNICAL ABOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON, BUT THIS CHANUKAH

CYNICAL ABOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON, BUT THIS CHANUKAH CELEBRATION JUST MIGHT MAKE THIS

SEASON, BUT THIS CHANUKAH CELEBRATION JUST MIGHT MAKE THIS ONE OF THE MOST MEANINGFUL

CELEBRATION JUST MIGHT MAKE THIS ONE OF THE MOST MEANINGFUL CHRISTMASES I'VE EVER HAD.

ONE OF THE MOST MEANINGFUL CHRISTMASES I'VE EVER HAD. THAT'S A NICE THING TO SAY,

CHRISTMASES I'VE EVER HAD. THAT'S A NICE THING TO SAY, DICK.

THAT'S A NICE THING TO SAY, DICK. WELL, LET'S EAT!

DICK. WELL, LET'S EAT! LET'S EAT!

WELL, LET'S EAT! LET'S EAT! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

HI. I'VE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT, AND I WANT TO THANK "SATURDAY

I'VE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT, AND I WANT TO THANK "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" FOR HAVING ME HERE.

AND I WANT TO THANK "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" FOR HAVING ME HERE. I WANT TO THANK WILLIE NELSON

NIGHT LIVE" FOR HAVING ME HERE. I WANT TO THANK WILLIE NELSON AND ANDY KAUFMAN AND, OF COURSE,

I WANT TO THANK WILLIE NELSON AND ANDY KAUFMAN AND, OF COURSE, THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

AND ANDY KAUFMAN AND, OF COURSE, THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS. HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?

PLAYERS. HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU FOR COMING!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU FOR COMING! WE APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU FOR COMING! WE APPRECIATE IT. [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE THE

WINNER OF "SATURDAY NIGHT

LIVE'S" ANYONE CAN HOST CONTEST,

AND OUR MUSICAL GUEST WILL BE

THE SEX PISTOLS.

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD ANNOUNCER,

DON PARDO, SAYING GOOD NIGHT.