Original subtitles

STAND BY, CAST. WE HAVE TWO MINUTES TO AIR, TWO MINUTES!

WE HAVE TWO MINUTES TO AIR, TWO MINUTES! I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

MINUTES! I DON'T BELIEVE IT. OH, JOHN, MAN, YOU'RE TAKING

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. OH, JOHN, MAN, YOU'RE TAKING YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY, MAN.

OH, JOHN, MAN, YOU'RE TAKING YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY, MAN. COME ON.

YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY, MAN. COME ON. JUST GO ON AND HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

COME ON. JUST GO ON AND HAVE A GOOD SHOW. GILDA, WILL YOU TALK TO HIM?

JUST GO ON AND HAVE A GOOD SHOW. GILDA, WILL YOU TALK TO HIM? YEAH, RIGHT.

GILDA, WILL YOU TALK TO HIM? YEAH, RIGHT. HAVE A GOOD SHOW, GARRETT.

YEAH, RIGHT. HAVE A GOOD SHOW, GARRETT. ALL RIGHT.

HAVE A GOOD SHOW, GARRETT. ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER. I DON'T KNOW, GILDA.

SEE YOU LATER. I DON'T KNOW, GILDA. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, GILDA. I DON'T KNOW. THIS CHUCK GRODIN GUY IS REALLY

I DON'T KNOW. THIS CHUCK GRODIN GUY IS REALLY MAKING ME NERVOUS.

THIS CHUCK GRODIN GUY IS REALLY MAKING ME NERVOUS. I MEAN, HE'S BARELY HERE ALL

MAKING ME NERVOUS. I MEAN, HE'S BARELY HERE ALL WEEK, AND HE MISSED DRESS

I MEAN, HE'S BARELY HERE ALL WEEK, AND HE MISSED DRESS REHEARSAL.

WEEK, AND HE MISSED DRESS REHEARSAL. THAT'S INEXCUSABLE... DRESS

REHEARSAL. THAT'S INEXCUSABLE... DRESS REHEARSAL!

THAT'S INEXCUSABLE... DRESS REHEARSAL! WELL, HE MUST KNOW WHAT HE'S

REHEARSAL! WELL, HE MUST KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING, JOHN.

WELL, HE MUST KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING, JOHN. HE'S A BRILLIANT ACTOR.

DOING, JOHN. HE'S A BRILLIANT ACTOR. I KNOW, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW

HE'S A BRILLIANT ACTOR. I KNOW, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW TV, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW TV, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, HE DOESN'T SMOKE DOPE.

TV, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, HE DOESN'T SMOKE DOPE. HE'S JUST NOT ONE OF US.

I MEAN, HE DOESN'T SMOKE DOPE. HE'S JUST NOT ONE OF US. WELL, HE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME

HE'S JUST NOT ONE OF US. WELL, HE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME BY HIMSELF.

WELL, HE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME BY HIMSELF. HE HAS A PLACE UP IN

BY HIMSELF. HE HAS A PLACE UP IN MASSACHUSETTS, AND THEN HE

HE HAS A PLACE UP IN MASSACHUSETTS, AND THEN HE LEAVES THERE AND DOES A FILM,

MASSACHUSETTS, AND THEN HE LEAVES THERE AND DOES A FILM, AND THEN HE GOES BACK TO

LEAVES THERE AND DOES A FILM, AND THEN HE GOES BACK TO MASSACHUSETTS.

AND THEN HE GOES BACK TO MASSACHUSETTS. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING

MASSACHUSETTS. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. YOU KNOW HE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN

ON. YOU KNOW HE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN THE SHOW?

YOU KNOW HE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN THE SHOW? LOOK, HE'S A REAL SWEET GUY,

THE SHOW? LOOK, HE'S A REAL SWEET GUY, AND IF WE JUST HELP HIM THROUGH,

LOOK, HE'S A REAL SWEET GUY, AND IF WE JUST HELP HIM THROUGH, WE CAN... HI, CHUCK.

AND IF WE JUST HELP HIM THROUGH, WE CAN... HI, CHUCK. HI, GLINDA. HI, BUNJI.

WE CAN... HI, CHUCK. HI, GLINDA. HI, BUNJI. I GOT YOU SOME GIFTS.

HI, GLINDA. HI, BUNJI. I GOT YOU SOME GIFTS. IT'S AN OLD NEW ENGLAND

I GOT YOU SOME GIFTS. IT'S AN OLD NEW ENGLAND TRADITION TO GIVE GIFTS.

IT'S AN OLD NEW ENGLAND TRADITION TO GIVE GIFTS. OH, WHY, THANK YOU, CHUCK.

TRADITION TO GIVE GIFTS. OH, WHY, THANK YOU, CHUCK. THAT'S REAL NICE.

OH, WHY, THANK YOU, CHUCK. THAT'S REAL NICE. IT'S A MAROON DICKEY.

THAT'S REAL NICE. IT'S A MAROON DICKEY. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, GLINDA.

IT'S A MAROON DICKEY. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, GLINDA. OH, THANKS.

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, GLINDA. OH, THANKS. BUNJI, YOU'RE A TOUGH GUY TO

OH, THANKS. BUNJI, YOU'RE A TOUGH GUY TO SHOP FOR.

BUNJI, YOU'RE A TOUGH GUY TO SHOP FOR. HERE, I GOT YOU A SHAVING KIT.

SHOP FOR. HERE, I GOT YOU A SHAVING KIT. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

HERE, I GOT YOU A SHAVING KIT. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. THANKS.

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. THANKS. ONE MINUTE!

THANKS. ONE MINUTE! ONE MINUTE TO THE MONOLOGUE!

ONE MINUTE! ONE MINUTE TO THE MONOLOGUE! OH, CHUCK, HAVE YOU WORKED ON

ONE MINUTE TO THE MONOLOGUE! OH, CHUCK, HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR MONOLOGUE?

OH, CHUCK, HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR MONOLOGUE? MONOLOGUE?

YOUR MONOLOGUE? MONOLOGUE? RIGHT, WELL, YOU DO A

MONOLOGUE? RIGHT, WELL, YOU DO A MONOLOGUE TO OPEN THE SHOW.

RIGHT, WELL, YOU DO A MONOLOGUE TO OPEN THE SHOW. YEAH, A MONOLOGUE.

MONOLOGUE TO OPEN THE SHOW. YEAH, A MONOLOGUE. DIDN'T LORNE TELL YOU ABOUT THE

YEAH, A MONOLOGUE. DIDN'T LORNE TELL YOU ABOUT THE MONOLOGUE?

DIDN'T LORNE TELL YOU ABOUT THE MONOLOGUE? OH, HE DID MENTION SOMETHING,

MONOLOGUE? OH, HE DID MENTION SOMETHING, BUT WHAT WITH DOING PROMOTION

OH, HE DID MENTION SOMETHING, BUT WHAT WITH DOING PROMOTION FOR THE SHOW AND SIGHTSEEING AND

BUT WHAT WITH DOING PROMOTION FOR THE SHOW AND SIGHTSEEING AND CATCHING UP WITH OLD FRIENDS...

FOR THE SHOW AND SIGHTSEEING AND CATCHING UP WITH OLD FRIENDS... AND I'VE WRITTEN A SONG TO

CATCHING UP WITH OLD FRIENDS... AND I'VE WRITTEN A SONG TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE

AND I'VE WRITTEN A SONG TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE THAT THEY SAID THEY'RE GONNA LET

EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE THAT THEY SAID THEY'RE GONNA LET ME SING.

THAT THEY SAID THEY'RE GONNA LET ME SING. SO, I REALLY HAVEN'T PAID THAT

ME SING. SO, I REALLY HAVEN'T PAID THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO IT.

SO, I REALLY HAVEN'T PAID THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO IT. WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO

MUCH ATTENTION TO IT. WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO OUT THERE IN LESS THAN A MINUTE

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO OUT THERE IN LESS THAN A MINUTE AND DO A MONOLOGUE TO MAKE THE

OUT THERE IN LESS THAN A MINUTE AND DO A MONOLOGUE TO MAKE THE STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH, YOU KNOW?

AND DO A MONOLOGUE TO MAKE THE STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH, YOU KNOW? STUDIO AUDIENCE?

STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH, YOU KNOW? STUDIO AUDIENCE? I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS AN

STUDIO AUDIENCE? I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE. WELL, MAYBE IF YOU'D BEEN TO

AUDIENCE. WELL, MAYBE IF YOU'D BEEN TO DRESS REHEARSAL, YOU'D KNOW THAT

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU'D BEEN TO DRESS REHEARSAL, YOU'D KNOW THAT THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE OUT THERE!

DRESS REHEARSAL, YOU'D KNOW THAT THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE OUT THERE! JOHN.

THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE OUT THERE! JOHN. I'M SORRY.

JOHN. I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW, THE STORES CLOSE AT

I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW, THE STORES CLOSE AT 9:00.

YOU KNOW, THE STORES CLOSE AT 9:00. IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT WITH

9:00. IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT WITH THE DRESS REHEARSAL.

IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT WITH THE DRESS REHEARSAL. I COULDN'T VERY WELL GET GIFTS

THE DRESS REHEARSAL. I COULDN'T VERY WELL GET GIFTS FOR SOME OF THE CAST AND NOT FOR

I COULDN'T VERY WELL GET GIFTS FOR SOME OF THE CAST AND NOT FOR EVERYONE.

FOR SOME OF THE CAST AND NOT FOR EVERYONE. I HAD FORGOTTEN TO GET A GIFT

EVERYONE. I HAD FORGOTTEN TO GET A GIFT FOR GARRETT.

I HAD FORGOTTEN TO GET A GIFT FOR GARRETT. I MEAN, COULD YOU IMAGINE MY

FOR GARRETT. I MEAN, COULD YOU IMAGINE MY EMBARRASSMENT IF I'D FORGOTTEN

I MEAN, COULD YOU IMAGINE MY EMBARRASSMENT IF I'D FORGOTTEN TO GET A GIFT FOR GARRETT?

EMBARRASSMENT IF I'D FORGOTTEN TO GET A GIFT FOR GARRETT? I MEAN, GARRETT, ESPECIALLY.

TO GET A GIFT FOR GARRETT? I MEAN, GARRETT, ESPECIALLY. WELL, CHUCK, THE GIFTS ARE

I MEAN, GARRETT, ESPECIALLY. WELL, CHUCK, THE GIFTS ARE REALLY NICE.

WELL, CHUCK, THE GIFTS ARE REALLY NICE. THANK YOU, BUT I THINK YOU

REALLY NICE. THANK YOU, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD...

THANK YOU, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD... LISTEN, I CAN GIVE LARAINE

SHOULD... LISTEN, I CAN GIVE LARAINE THE TRAVEL ALARM CLOCK IF YOU

LISTEN, I CAN GIVE LARAINE THE TRAVEL ALARM CLOCK IF YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE THAT THAN THE

THE TRAVEL ALARM CLOCK IF YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE THAT THAN THE DICKEY.

WOULD RATHER HAVE THAT THAN THE DICKEY. NO, I LOVE THE DICKEY.

DICKEY. NO, I LOVE THE DICKEY. HOW ABOUT YOU, JOHN?

NO, I LOVE THE DICKEY. HOW ABOUT YOU, JOHN? WOULD YOU PREFER A TRAVEL ALARM

HOW ABOUT YOU, JOHN? WOULD YOU PREFER A TRAVEL ALARM CLOCK INSTEAD OF THE SHAVING

WOULD YOU PREFER A TRAVEL ALARM CLOCK INSTEAD OF THE SHAVING KIT?

CLOCK INSTEAD OF THE SHAVING KIT? WELL, IF IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY

KIT? WELL, IF IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, I'D RATHER HAVE THE

WELL, IF IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, I'D RATHER HAVE THE ALARM CLOCK.

DIFFERENCE, I'D RATHER HAVE THE ALARM CLOCK. TAKE THE ALARM CLOCK, AND I

ALARM CLOCK. TAKE THE ALARM CLOCK, AND I CAN GIVE THE SHAVING KIT TO

TAKE THE ALARM CLOCK, AND I CAN GIVE THE SHAVING KIT TO DANNY, AND I GOT A KEY CHAIN FOR

CAN GIVE THE SHAVING KIT TO DANNY, AND I GOT A KEY CHAIN FOR DANNY THAT I COULD GIVE TO

DANNY, AND I GOT A KEY CHAIN FOR DANNY THAT I COULD GIVE TO LARAINE.

DANNY THAT I COULD GIVE TO LARAINE. I COULDN'T GIVE THE SHAVING KIT

LARAINE. I COULDN'T GIVE THE SHAVING KIT TO LARAINE.

I COULDN'T GIVE THE SHAVING KIT TO LARAINE. NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

TO LARAINE. NO, I DON'T THINK SO. OH, MY GOD.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO. OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO GET

OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO GET SOMETHING FOR THE DIRECTOR.

YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO GET SOMETHING FOR THE DIRECTOR. YOU THINK THERE ARE ANY SHOPS

SOMETHING FOR THE DIRECTOR. YOU THINK THERE ARE ANY SHOPS THAT ARE STILL OPEN AROUND HERE

YOU THINK THERE ARE ANY SHOPS THAT ARE STILL OPEN AROUND HERE NOW?

THAT ARE STILL OPEN AROUND HERE NOW? CHUCK, YOU CAN'T GO TO A

NOW? CHUCK, YOU CAN'T GO TO A SHOP.

CHUCK, YOU CAN'T GO TO A SHOP. WE'RE DOING A LIVE SHOW.

SHOP. WE'RE DOING A LIVE SHOW. THERE'S NO TIME!

WE'RE DOING A LIVE SHOW. THERE'S NO TIME! LIVE?

THERE'S NO TIME! LIVE? YEAH, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT

LIVE? YEAH, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

YEAH, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." WAIT A SECOND.

LIVE." WAIT A SECOND. YOU MEAN LITERALLY LIVE?

WAIT A SECOND. YOU MEAN LITERALLY LIVE? YES!

YOU MEAN LITERALLY LIVE? YES! REALLY?

YES! REALLY? YEAH, AND YOU SHOULD BE

REALLY? YEAH, AND YOU SHOULD BE WORKING ON YOUR MONOLOGUE,

YEAH, AND YOU SHOULD BE WORKING ON YOUR MONOLOGUE, 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND DO

WORKING ON YOUR MONOLOGUE, 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND DO IT IN ONE MINUTE.

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND DO IT IN ONE MINUTE. YOU DO THIS ACTUALLY LIVE?

IT IN ONE MINUTE. YOU DO THIS ACTUALLY LIVE? YES!

YOU DO THIS ACTUALLY LIVE? YES! YOU KNOW, LIKE LIVE FROM

YES! YOU KNOW, LIKE LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

YOU KNOW, LIKE LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S...

STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHARLES GRODIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE WOULD

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE WOULD BE AN AUDIENCE HERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE WOULD BE AN AUDIENCE HERE. [LAUGHTER]

BE AN AUDIENCE HERE. [LAUGHTER] HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT THIS

[LAUGHTER] HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS LIVE?

HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS LIVE? [APPLAUSE]

IS LIVE? [APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN THE

[APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW, BUT I

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW, BUT I HEAR IT'S A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW, BUT I HEAR IT'S A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL SHOW.

HEAR IT'S A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL SHOW. [LAUGHTER]

SHOW. [LAUGHTER] I WISH I'D HAD MORE TIME DURING

[LAUGHTER] I WISH I'D HAD MORE TIME DURING THE WEEK TO REHEARSE AND REALLY

I WISH I'D HAD MORE TIME DURING THE WEEK TO REHEARSE AND REALLY WORK ON THE SKITS WITH ALL THE

THE WEEK TO REHEARSE AND REALLY WORK ON THE SKITS WITH ALL THE GANG HERE, BUT HOW CAN YOU COME

WORK ON THE SKITS WITH ALL THE GANG HERE, BUT HOW CAN YOU COME TO NEW YORK AND NOT SEE AT LEAST

GANG HERE, BUT HOW CAN YOU COME TO NEW YORK AND NOT SEE AT LEAST A COUPLE OF BROADWAY SHOWS?

TO NEW YORK AND NOT SEE AT LEAST A COUPLE OF BROADWAY SHOWS? AND I HAD NEVER BEEN TO THE TOP

A COUPLE OF BROADWAY SHOWS? AND I HAD NEVER BEEN TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.

AND I HAD NEVER BEEN TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. YOU KNOW IT'S HIGHER THAN THE

OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. YOU KNOW IT'S HIGHER THAN THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?

YOU KNOW IT'S HIGHER THAN THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING? IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET TO THE

EMPIRE STATE BUILDING? IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET TO THE TOP, BUT YOU CAN SEE ALL OF

IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET TO THE TOP, BUT YOU CAN SEE ALL OF NEW YORK AND A LOT OF

TOP, BUT YOU CAN SEE ALL OF NEW YORK AND A LOT OF NEW JERSEY... I THINK EVEN PART

NEW YORK AND A LOT OF NEW JERSEY... I THINK EVEN PART OF CONNECTICUT.

NEW JERSEY... I THINK EVEN PART OF CONNECTICUT. IT'S A TREMENDOUS VIEW.

OF CONNECTICUT. IT'S A TREMENDOUS VIEW. SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND TOO

IT'S A TREMENDOUS VIEW. SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND TOO MUCH THIS WEEK, BUT I THINK

SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND TOO MUCH THIS WEEK, BUT I THINK THEY'VE GOT ME IN SOME CRAZY

MUCH THIS WEEK, BUT I THINK THEY'VE GOT ME IN SOME CRAZY SKITS.

THEY'VE GOT ME IN SOME CRAZY SKITS. AND WHILE I'VE BEEN HERE, DOING

SKITS. AND WHILE I'VE BEEN HERE, DOING SOME PROMOS FOR THE SHOW, I'VE

AND WHILE I'VE BEEN HERE, DOING SOME PROMOS FOR THE SHOW, I'VE SEEN THE KIDS REHEARSING, AND IT

SOME PROMOS FOR THE SHOW, I'VE SEEN THE KIDS REHEARSING, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY CUTE SHOW.

SEEN THE KIDS REHEARSING, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY CUTE SHOW. [LAUGHTER]

LOOKS LIKE A REALLY CUTE SHOW. [LAUGHTER] I'M GONNA HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME,

[LAUGHTER] I'M GONNA HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME, AND I HOPE YOU DO, TOO.

I'M GONNA HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME, AND I HOPE YOU DO, TOO. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

AND I HOPE YOU DO, TOO. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEWS GATHERING IS A TOUGH, DEMANDING JOB. THE NEWS NEVER STOPS HAPPENING.

A TOUGH, DEMANDING JOB. THE NEWS NEVER STOPS HAPPENING. SO, THE BEST REPORTERS NEVER

THE NEWS NEVER STOPS HAPPENING. SO, THE BEST REPORTERS NEVER STOP WORKING.

SO, THE BEST REPORTERS NEVER STOP WORKING. AND THE "WEEKEND UPDATE"

STOP WORKING. AND THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" REPORTERS ARE THE BEST.

AND THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" REPORTERS ARE THE BEST. THAT'S WHY, ON ASSIGNMENTS FROM

REPORTERS ARE THE BEST. THAT'S WHY, ON ASSIGNMENTS FROM BANGOR TO BANGKOK, OR WHEREVER

THAT'S WHY, ON ASSIGNMENTS FROM BANGOR TO BANGKOK, OR WHEREVER THE AMERICAN PRESS IS WORKING,

BANGOR TO BANGKOK, OR WHEREVER THE AMERICAN PRESS IS WORKING, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ONE

THE AMERICAN PRESS IS WORKING, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ONE REPORTER WHO HANGS IN THERE WHEN

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ONE REPORTER WHO HANGS IN THERE WHEN ALL THE OTHERS HAVE QUIT.

REPORTER WHO HANGS IN THERE WHEN ALL THE OTHERS HAVE QUIT. THAT REPORTER IS AWARD-WINNING

ALL THE OTHERS HAVE QUIT. THAT REPORTER IS AWARD-WINNING NEWSMAN DAN AYKROYD.

THAT REPORTER IS AWARD-WINNING NEWSMAN DAN AYKROYD. HE'S THE GUY IN THE "WEEKEND

NEWSMAN DAN AYKROYD. HE'S THE GUY IN THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM WHO WORKS

HE'S THE GUY IN THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM WHO WORKS OVERTIME, STAYING UP ALL NIGHT

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM WHO WORKS OVERTIME, STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO BRING YOU TOTAL NEWS

OVERTIME, STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO BRING YOU TOTAL NEWS COVERAGE.

TO BRING YOU TOTAL NEWS COVERAGE. THE BEST KEEP ON WORKING.

COVERAGE. THE BEST KEEP ON WORKING. THE NEWS DOESN'T WAIT TILL THE

THE BEST KEEP ON WORKING. THE NEWS DOESN'T WAIT TILL THE MORNING, AND YOU CAN'T WRITE THE

THE NEWS DOESN'T WAIT TILL THE MORNING, AND YOU CAN'T WRITE THE NEWS IF YOU'RE ASLEEP.

[DOORBELL RINGS] AAH! THE LITTLE HUMANS... WHEN WILL

AAH! THE LITTLE HUMANS... WHEN WILL THEY CEASE?

THE LITTLE HUMANS... WHEN WILL THEY CEASE? Together: TRICK OR TREAT?

THEY CEASE? Together: TRICK OR TREAT? OH, MY, YOUR COSTUMES ARE SO

Together: TRICK OR TREAT? OH, MY, YOUR COSTUMES ARE SO FRIGHTENING.

OH, MY, YOUR COSTUMES ARE SO FRIGHTENING. HERE.

FRIGHTENING. HERE. ACCEPT THESE TREATS.

HERE. ACCEPT THESE TREATS. MOMMY, I MUST SPLIT TO JOIN

ACCEPT THESE TREATS. MOMMY, I MUST SPLIT TO JOIN MY HUMAN FRIENDS IN THEIR

MOMMY, I MUST SPLIT TO JOIN MY HUMAN FRIENDS IN THEIR HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES.

MY HUMAN FRIENDS IN THEIR HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES. ACTIVITIES?

HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES. ACTIVITIES? APPLE BOBBING.

ACTIVITIES? APPLE BOBBING. APPLE BOBBING?

APPLE BOBBING. APPLE BOBBING? APPLE BOBBING... AN ANCIENT

APPLE BOBBING? APPLE BOBBING... AN ANCIENT HUMAN RITUAL... THE IMMERSION OF

APPLE BOBBING... AN ANCIENT HUMAN RITUAL... THE IMMERSION OF THE CONE INTO A FLUID BATH WHILE

HUMAN RITUAL... THE IMMERSION OF THE CONE INTO A FLUID BATH WHILE ATTEMPTING TO GRASP BUOYANT

THE CONE INTO A FLUID BATH WHILE ATTEMPTING TO GRASP BUOYANT FRUIT WITH A MAJOR ORIFICE.

ATTEMPTING TO GRASP BUOYANT FRUIT WITH A MAJOR ORIFICE. UNACCEPTABLE!

FRUIT WITH A MAJOR ORIFICE. UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE!

UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! BUT, MOM!

UNACCEPTABLE! BUT, MOM! BELDAR, I SUMMON YOU!

BUT, MOM! BELDAR, I SUMMON YOU! PRYMAAT, WHY HAVE YOU

BELDAR, I SUMMON YOU! PRYMAAT, WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME FROM THE SLEEP

PRYMAAT, WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME FROM THE SLEEP CHAMBER?

SUMMONED ME FROM THE SLEEP CHAMBER? IT IS ONLY THE 55th HOUR OF MY

CHAMBER? IT IS ONLY THE 55th HOUR OF MY MEGMAZOME STORAGE STAGE.

IT IS ONLY THE 55th HOUR OF MY MEGMAZOME STORAGE STAGE. OUR YOUNG CONE WISHES TO

MEGMAZOME STORAGE STAGE. OUR YOUNG CONE WISHES TO PERFORM APPLE BOBBING.

OUR YOUNG CONE WISHES TO PERFORM APPLE BOBBING. APPLE BOBBING?

PERFORM APPLE BOBBING. APPLE BOBBING? APPLE BOBBING.

APPLE BOBBING? APPLE BOBBING. APPLE BOBBING... A HALLOWEEN

APPLE BOBBING. APPLE BOBBING... A HALLOWEEN RITUAL.

APPLE BOBBING... A HALLOWEEN RITUAL. OH, CONNIE, I WANT NO

RITUAL. OH, CONNIE, I WANT NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS HUMAN

OH, CONNIE, I WANT NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS HUMAN ACTIVITY.

KNOWLEDGE OF THIS HUMAN ACTIVITY. HALLOWEEN... A MISERABLE EARTH

ACTIVITY. HALLOWEEN... A MISERABLE EARTH FESTIVAL.

HALLOWEEN... A MISERABLE EARTH FESTIVAL. IT IS REGRETTABLE THAT THE HIGH

FESTIVAL. IT IS REGRETTABLE THAT THE HIGH MASTER DEMANDED THAT WE RETURN

IT IS REGRETTABLE THAT THE HIGH MASTER DEMANDED THAT WE RETURN TO THIS PLANET.

MASTER DEMANDED THAT WE RETURN TO THIS PLANET. ON OUR HOME PLANET, REMULAC, AT

TO THIS PLANET. ON OUR HOME PLANET, REMULAC, AT THIS MOMENT, ALL CONES ARE

ON OUR HOME PLANET, REMULAC, AT THIS MOMENT, ALL CONES ARE CELEBRATING THE HARVEST UNDER

THIS MOMENT, ALL CONES ARE CELEBRATING THE HARVEST UNDER THE MOONS OF MIPZOR.

CELEBRATING THE HARVEST UNDER THE MOONS OF MIPZOR. NOW, THAT'S A PARTY.

THE MOONS OF MIPZOR. NOW, THAT'S A PARTY. ALL THE GELATO SPHERES WILL BE

NOW, THAT'S A PARTY. ALL THE GELATO SPHERES WILL BE HARVESTED AND SMOKED.

ALL THE GELATO SPHERES WILL BE HARVESTED AND SMOKED. SO WHAT? BIG DEAL!

HARVESTED AND SMOKED. SO WHAT? BIG DEAL! THE HARVEST OF MIPZOR LONG

SO WHAT? BIG DEAL! THE HARVEST OF MIPZOR LONG AGO WAS WHEN I FIRST SAW

THE HARVEST OF MIPZOR LONG AGO WAS WHEN I FIRST SAW BELDAR'S CONE.

AGO WAS WHEN I FIRST SAW BELDAR'S CONE. HOW YOUNG AND STRONG HE LOOKED

BELDAR'S CONE. HOW YOUNG AND STRONG HE LOOKED AS HE PURSUED AND CAPTURED THE

HOW YOUNG AND STRONG HE LOOKED AS HE PURSUED AND CAPTURED THE GREASED GARTHOK, WHICH WAS

AS HE PURSUED AND CAPTURED THE GREASED GARTHOK, WHICH WAS ROASTED FOR ALL TO CONSUME.

GREASED GARTHOK, WHICH WAS ROASTED FOR ALL TO CONSUME. THIS MISERABLE EARTH FESTIVAL

ROASTED FOR ALL TO CONSUME. THIS MISERABLE EARTH FESTIVAL IS NOTHING BUT A RITUAL COSTUME

THIS MISERABLE EARTH FESTIVAL IS NOTHING BUT A RITUAL COSTUME FANTASY FOR HUMAN YOUNG ONES,

IS NOTHING BUT A RITUAL COSTUME FANTASY FOR HUMAN YOUNG ONES, WHO MOVE THROUGH THE NIGHT

FANTASY FOR HUMAN YOUNG ONES, WHO MOVE THROUGH THE NIGHT DEMANDING SMALL CONSUMABLES.

WHO MOVE THROUGH THE NIGHT DEMANDING SMALL CONSUMABLES. [DOORBELL RINGS]

DEMANDING SMALL CONSUMABLES. [DOORBELL RINGS] All: AAH!

[DOORBELL RINGS] All: AAH! THE LITTLE HUMANS.

All: AAH! THE LITTLE HUMANS. BELDAR, GO GREET THEM AND

THE LITTLE HUMANS. BELDAR, GO GREET THEM AND DISPENSE THE CONSUMABLES.

BELDAR, GO GREET THEM AND DISPENSE THE CONSUMABLES. GREETINGS. ENTER.

DISPENSE THE CONSUMABLES. GREETINGS. ENTER. ACCEPT THESE TREATS... BEER AND

GREETINGS. ENTER. ACCEPT THESE TREATS... BEER AND FRIED EGGS.

ACCEPT THESE TREATS... BEER AND FRIED EGGS. AREN'T YOU HUMANS A LITTLE

FRIED EGGS. AREN'T YOU HUMANS A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR THIS SORT OF THING?

AREN'T YOU HUMANS A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR THIS SORT OF THING? WELL, WE'RE NOT

TOO OLD FOR THIS SORT OF THING? WELL, WE'RE NOT TRICK-OR-TREATING.

WELL, WE'RE NOT TRICK-OR-TREATING. I'M CARL VAN ARSDALE, AND THIS

TRICK-OR-TREATING. I'M CARL VAN ARSDALE, AND THIS IS MY WIFE, SHARLENE.

I'M CARL VAN ARSDALE, AND THIS IS MY WIFE, SHARLENE. WE'RE BLOCK PARENTS HERE AT

IS MY WIFE, SHARLENE. WE'RE BLOCK PARENTS HERE AT PARKWOOD HEIGHTS.

WE'RE BLOCK PARENTS HERE AT PARKWOOD HEIGHTS. YES, I KNOW YOUR FAMILY HAS

PARKWOOD HEIGHTS. YES, I KNOW YOUR FAMILY HAS JUST MOVED INTO THE

YES, I KNOW YOUR FAMILY HAS JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I'M SORRY WE

JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I'M SORRY WE HAD TO MEET UNDER THESE

NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I'M SORRY WE HAD TO MEET UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

HAD TO MEET UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU PEOPLE

CIRCUMSTANCES. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU PEOPLE ARE FROM, BUT WE OF PARKWOOD

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU PEOPLE ARE FROM, BUT WE OF PARKWOOD HEIGHTS DO NOT GIVE LIQUOR TO

ARE FROM, BUT WE OF PARKWOOD HEIGHTS DO NOT GIVE LIQUOR TO MINORS.

HEIGHTS DO NOT GIVE LIQUOR TO MINORS. YES, WE WERE EXTREMELY UPSET

MINORS. YES, WE WERE EXTREMELY UPSET TO FIND SIX-PACKS OF BREWSKI IN

YES, WE WERE EXTREMELY UPSET TO FIND SIX-PACKS OF BREWSKI IN THE CHILDREN'S TRICK-OR-TREAT

TO FIND SIX-PACKS OF BREWSKI IN THE CHILDREN'S TRICK-OR-TREAT BAGS.

THE CHILDREN'S TRICK-OR-TREAT BAGS. NOW, WE ARE SERIOUSLY

BAGS. NOW, WE ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING REPORTING THIS TO

NOW, WE ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING REPORTING THIS TO THE POLICE, MR., UH...

CONSIDERING REPORTING THIS TO THE POLICE, MR., UH... CONEHEAD! I AM BELDAR.

THE POLICE, MR., UH... CONEHEAD! I AM BELDAR. THIS IS PRYMAAT AND OUR YOUNG

CONEHEAD! I AM BELDAR. THIS IS PRYMAAT AND OUR YOUNG ONE, CONNIE.

THIS IS PRYMAAT AND OUR YOUNG ONE, CONNIE. WE'RE FROM FRANCE!

ONE, CONNIE. WE'RE FROM FRANCE! OH. YOU'RE FROM FRANCE.

WE'RE FROM FRANCE! OH. YOU'RE FROM FRANCE. WELL, THAT COULD EXPLAIN PART OF

OH. YOU'RE FROM FRANCE. WELL, THAT COULD EXPLAIN PART OF IT.

WELL, THAT COULD EXPLAIN PART OF IT. I KNOW THAT IN FRANCE CHILDREN

IT. I KNOW THAT IN FRANCE CHILDREN START DRINKING AT AN EARLIER

I KNOW THAT IN FRANCE CHILDREN START DRINKING AT AN EARLIER AGE.

START DRINKING AT AN EARLIER AGE. CORRECT! CORRECT.

AGE. CORRECT! CORRECT. WE APOLOGIZE FOR CAUSING YOU

CORRECT! CORRECT. WE APOLOGIZE FOR CAUSING YOU THIS ANXIETY.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR CAUSING YOU THIS ANXIETY. MY PARENTAL UNITS WERE MERELY

THIS ANXIETY. MY PARENTAL UNITS WERE MERELY ATTEMPTING TO CONFORM TO THE

MY PARENTAL UNITS WERE MERELY ATTEMPTING TO CONFORM TO THE HALLOWEEN RITES.

ATTEMPTING TO CONFORM TO THE HALLOWEEN RITES. WE WILL CEASE DISPENSING THE

HALLOWEEN RITES. WE WILL CEASE DISPENSING THE CANNED CONSUMABLES.

WE WILL CEASE DISPENSING THE CANNED CONSUMABLES. IS IT PERMISSIBLE TO DISPENSE

CANNED CONSUMABLES. IS IT PERMISSIBLE TO DISPENSE FRIED CHICKEN EMBRYOS?

IS IT PERMISSIBLE TO DISPENSE FRIED CHICKEN EMBRYOS? CHICKEN EMBRYOS?

FRIED CHICKEN EMBRYOS? CHICKEN EMBRYOS? FRIED EGGS, HONEY.

CHICKEN EMBRYOS? FRIED EGGS, HONEY. FRIED EGGS AS TREATS?

FRIED EGGS, HONEY. FRIED EGGS AS TREATS? WELL, I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT.

FRIED EGGS AS TREATS? WELL, I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE INVITE YOU TO STAY WITH

WELL, I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE INVITE YOU TO STAY WITH US.

WE INVITE YOU TO STAY WITH US. WE WILL HONOR YOUR HALLOWEEN

US. WE WILL HONOR YOUR HALLOWEEN RITUAL BY PAYING HOMAGE TO THE

WE WILL HONOR YOUR HALLOWEEN RITUAL BY PAYING HOMAGE TO THE SYMBOLIC VEGETABLE ORB.

RITUAL BY PAYING HOMAGE TO THE SYMBOLIC VEGETABLE ORB. HEY, UH, NO, THANKS.

SYMBOLIC VEGETABLE ORB. HEY, UH, NO, THANKS. WE ALREADY HAD A FEW PIECES OF

HEY, UH, NO, THANKS. WE ALREADY HAD A FEW PIECES OF VEGETABLE-ORB PIE.

WE ALREADY HAD A FEW PIECES OF VEGETABLE-ORB PIE. [CHUCKLES]

VEGETABLE-ORB PIE. [CHUCKLES] YES. BYE-BYE!

[CHUCKLES] YES. BYE-BYE! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

YES. BYE-BYE! HAPPY HALLOWEEN! WE LOVE YOUR COSTUMES.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! WE LOVE YOUR COSTUMES. YEAH.

WE LOVE YOUR COSTUMES. YEAH. HUMANS... THEY'RE NOT

YEAH. HUMANS... THEY'RE NOT ESSENTIALLY PARTY ORGANISMS.

HUMANS... THEY'RE NOT ESSENTIALLY PARTY ORGANISMS. CORRECT. SHALL WE BEGIN?

I RECENTLY COMPLETED FILMING A MOTION PICTURE... "TOO LATE, TOO LATE, MY LOVE, MY LOVE"...

A MOTION PICTURE... "TOO LATE, TOO LATE, MY LOVE, MY LOVE"... WHICH MARKS THE AMERICAN DEBUT

TOO LATE, MY LOVE, MY LOVE"... WHICH MARKS THE AMERICAN DEBUT OF THE RENOWNED ITALIAN FILM

WHICH MARKS THE AMERICAN DEBUT OF THE RENOWNED ITALIAN FILM DIRECTOR ERNESTO BERKOVICHI.

OF THE RENOWNED ITALIAN FILM DIRECTOR ERNESTO BERKOVICHI. MY LEADING LADY IS THE LOVELY

DIRECTOR ERNESTO BERKOVICHI. MY LEADING LADY IS THE LOVELY INTERNATIONAL STAR

MY LEADING LADY IS THE LOVELY INTERNATIONAL STAR DOMINIQUE SANDA, WHOM YOU'LL OF

INTERNATIONAL STAR DOMINIQUE SANDA, WHOM YOU'LL OF COURSE ALL REMEMBER FROM

DOMINIQUE SANDA, WHOM YOU'LL OF COURSE ALL REMEMBER FROM "THE GARDEN OF THE

COURSE ALL REMEMBER FROM "THE GARDEN OF THE FINZI-CONTINIS."

"THE GARDEN OF THE FINZI-CONTINIS." BERKOVICHI MADE HIS NAME WITH

FINZI-CONTINIS." BERKOVICHI MADE HIS NAME WITH SUCH FILMS AS "IL DIVITTORI" AND

BERKOVICHI MADE HIS NAME WITH SUCH FILMS AS "IL DIVITTORI" AND "MATTRIX," WHERE HE DEVELOPED

SUCH FILMS AS "IL DIVITTORI" AND "MATTRIX," WHERE HE DEVELOPED HIS FLUID CINEMATIC STYLE,

"MATTRIX," WHERE HE DEVELOPED HIS FLUID CINEMATIC STYLE, CHARACTERIZED BY THE USE OF THE

HIS FLUID CINEMATIC STYLE, CHARACTERIZED BY THE USE OF THE MOUNTED AIRY IN HIS CHASE

CHARACTERIZED BY THE USE OF THE MOUNTED AIRY IN HIS CHASE SEQUENCES.

MOUNTED AIRY IN HIS CHASE SEQUENCES. THE CLIP WE'RE GONNA SHOW FROM

SEQUENCES. THE CLIP WE'RE GONNA SHOW FROM THE PICTURE IS A CLASSIC

THE CLIP WE'RE GONNA SHOW FROM THE PICTURE IS A CLASSIC BERKOVICHI CHASE SCENE.

THE PICTURE IS A CLASSIC BERKOVICHI CHASE SCENE. MANY REVIEWERS HAVE ALREADY

BERKOVICHI CHASE SCENE. MANY REVIEWERS HAVE ALREADY CALLED IT THE FINEST CAR-CHASE

MANY REVIEWERS HAVE ALREADY CALLED IT THE FINEST CAR-CHASE SCENE SINCE "THE FRENCH

CALLED IT THE FINEST CAR-CHASE SCENE SINCE "THE FRENCH CONNECTION."

SCENE SINCE "THE FRENCH CONNECTION." IN THE PICTURE, I PLAY

CONNECTION." IN THE PICTURE, I PLAY ERNESTO MONTECARLO, A DAZZLING

IN THE PICTURE, I PLAY ERNESTO MONTECARLO, A DAZZLING MAN-ABOUT-TOWN WITH MORE ON HIS

ERNESTO MONTECARLO, A DAZZLING MAN-ABOUT-TOWN WITH MORE ON HIS MIND THAN MEETS THE EYE.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN WITH MORE ON HIS MIND THAN MEETS THE EYE. THIS CLIP CULMINATES WITH ONE OF

MIND THAN MEETS THE EYE. THIS CLIP CULMINATES WITH ONE OF THE MOST BREATHTAKING SHOTS OF A

THIS CLIP CULMINATES WITH ONE OF THE MOST BREATHTAKING SHOTS OF A CAR DRIVING OFF A BR... WELL, I

THE MOST BREATHTAKING SHOTS OF A CAR DRIVING OFF A BR... WELL, I SHOULDN'T REALLY SAY ANYMORE.

CAR DRIVING OFF A BR... WELL, I SHOULDN'T REALLY SAY ANYMORE. COULD WE JUST SHOW THE CLIP?

[HORNS HONKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

LORNE? LORNE, WHAT HAPPENED? UH, CHUCK, I'M VERY SORRY,

LORNE, WHAT HAPPENED? UH, CHUCK, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LONG.

UH, CHUCK, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LONG. YOUR INTRO INTO THE FILM CLIP

BUT WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LONG. YOUR INTRO INTO THE FILM CLIP TOOK A LITTLE LONGER THAN WE

YOUR INTRO INTO THE FILM CLIP TOOK A LITTLE LONGER THAN WE THOUGHT.

TOOK A LITTLE LONGER THAN WE THOUGHT. BUT... BUT YOU DIDN'T GET TO

THOUGHT. BUT... BUT YOU DIDN'T GET TO THE SHOT WHERE I DRIVE OFF THE

BUT... BUT YOU DIDN'T GET TO THE SHOT WHERE I DRIVE OFF THE BRIDGE AND SWIM IN THE WATER,

THE SHOT WHERE I DRIVE OFF THE BRIDGE AND SWIM IN THE WATER, DODGING THE BULLETS, PROTECTING

BRIDGE AND SWIM IN THE WATER, DODGING THE BULLETS, PROTECTING DOMINIQUE WITH MY BODY.

DODGING THE BULLETS, PROTECTING DOMINIQUE WITH MY BODY. I'M REALLY VERY SORRY, CHUCK.

DOMINIQUE WITH MY BODY. I'M REALLY VERY SORRY, CHUCK. CAN WE GO ON WITH THE SHOW?

I'M REALLY VERY SORRY, CHUCK. CAN WE GO ON WITH THE SHOW? SURE, YES, OF COURSE.

CAN WE GO ON WITH THE SHOW? SURE, YES, OF COURSE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY VERY

SURE, YES, OF COURSE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY VERY DEAR FRIEND PAUL SIMON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY VERY DEAR FRIEND PAUL SIMON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DEAR FRIEND PAUL SIMON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [GUITAR STRUMMING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [GUITAR STRUMMING] ONE, TWO.

[GUITAR STRUMMING] ONE, TWO. ONE, TWO, THREE.

ONE, TWO. ONE, TWO, THREE. ♪ OOH ♪

ONE, TWO, THREE. ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE

♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ I KNOW A MAN ♪

SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ I KNOW A MAN ♪ ♪ HE CAME FROM MY HOMETOWN ♪

♪ I KNOW A MAN ♪ ♪ HE CAME FROM MY HOMETOWN ♪ ♪ HE WORE HIS PASSION FOR HIS

♪ HE CAME FROM MY HOMETOWN ♪ ♪ HE WORE HIS PASSION FOR HIS WOMAN LIKE A THORNY CROWN ♪

♪ HE WORE HIS PASSION FOR HIS WOMAN LIKE A THORNY CROWN ♪ ♪ HE SAID, "DOLORES ♪

WOMAN LIKE A THORNY CROWN ♪ ♪ HE SAID, "DOLORES ♪ ♪ I LIVE IN FEAR ♪

♪ HE SAID, "DOLORES ♪ ♪ I LIVE IN FEAR ♪ ♪ MY LOVE FOR YOU'S SO

♪ I LIVE IN FEAR ♪ ♪ MY LOVE FOR YOU'S SO OVERPOWERING I'M AFRAID THAT I

♪ MY LOVE FOR YOU'S SO OVERPOWERING I'M AFRAID THAT I WILL DISAPPEAR" ♪

OVERPOWERING I'M AFRAID THAT I WILL DISAPPEAR" ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

WILL DISAPPEAR" ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE

♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW A WOMAN ♪

SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW A WOMAN ♪ ♪ BECAME A WIFE ♪

♪ AND I KNOW A WOMAN ♪ ♪ BECAME A WIFE ♪ ♪ THESE ARE THE VERY WORDS SHE

♪ BECAME A WIFE ♪ ♪ THESE ARE THE VERY WORDS SHE USES TO DESCRIBE HER LIFE ♪

♪ THESE ARE THE VERY WORDS SHE USES TO DESCRIBE HER LIFE ♪ ♪ SHE SAID, "A GOOD DAY ♪

USES TO DESCRIBE HER LIFE ♪ ♪ SHE SAID, "A GOOD DAY ♪ ♪ AIN'T GOT NO RAIN" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "A GOOD DAY ♪ ♪ AIN'T GOT NO RAIN" ♪ ♪ SHE SAID, "A BAD DAY IS WHEN I

♪ AIN'T GOT NO RAIN" ♪ ♪ SHE SAID, "A BAD DAY IS WHEN I LIE IN THE BED AND THINK OF

♪ SHE SAID, "A BAD DAY IS WHEN I LIE IN THE BED AND THINK OF THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN" ♪

LIE IN THE BED AND THINK OF THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN" ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN" ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE

♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW A FATHER WHO HAD A

SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW A FATHER WHO HAD A SON ♪

♪ AND I KNOW A FATHER WHO HAD A SON ♪ ♪ HE LONGED TO TELL HIM ALL THE

SON ♪ ♪ HE LONGED TO TELL HIM ALL THE REASONS FOR THE THINGS HE'D

♪ HE LONGED TO TELL HIM ALL THE REASONS FOR THE THINGS HE'D DONE ♪

REASONS FOR THE THINGS HE'D DONE ♪ ♪ HE CAME A LONG WAY ♪

DONE ♪ ♪ HE CAME A LONG WAY ♪ ♪ JUST TO EXPLAIN ♪

♪ HE CAME A LONG WAY ♪ ♪ JUST TO EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ HE KISSED HIS BOY AS HE LAY

♪ JUST TO EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ HE KISSED HIS BOY AS HE LAY SLEEPING ♪

♪ HE KISSED HIS BOY AS HE LAY SLEEPING ♪ ♪ THEN HE TURNED AROUND AND HE

SLEEPING ♪ ♪ THEN HE TURNED AROUND AND HE HEADED HOME AGAIN ♪

♪ THEN HE TURNED AROUND AND HE HEADED HOME AGAIN ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

HEADED HOME AGAIN ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE

♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ GOD ONLY KNOWS ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ GOD ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ GOD MAKES HIS PLAN ♪

♪ GOD ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ GOD MAKES HIS PLAN ♪ ♪ THE INFORMATION'S UNAVAILABLE

♪ GOD MAKES HIS PLAN ♪ ♪ THE INFORMATION'S UNAVAILABLE TO THE MORTAL MAN ♪

♪ THE INFORMATION'S UNAVAILABLE TO THE MORTAL MAN ♪ ♪ WE'RE WORKIN' OUR JOBS ♪

TO THE MORTAL MAN ♪ ♪ WE'RE WORKIN' OUR JOBS ♪ ♪ COLLECT OUR PAY ♪

♪ WE'RE WORKIN' OUR JOBS ♪ ♪ COLLECT OUR PAY ♪ ♪ BELIEVE WE'RE GLIDING DOWN THE

♪ COLLECT OUR PAY ♪ ♪ BELIEVE WE'RE GLIDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY WHEN IN FACT WERE SLIP

♪ BELIEVE WE'RE GLIDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY WHEN IN FACT WERE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

HIGHWAY WHEN IN FACT WERE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE

♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, BABY, THE MORE

♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, BABY, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

DESTINATION, BABY, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR

♪ SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE

♪ YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪

DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU'RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UP-TEMPO CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] GOOD EVENING. I'M JOAN FACE.

[PLAYING] GOOD EVENING. I'M JOAN FACE. WELCOME TO "CONSUMER PROBE."

GOOD EVENING. I'M JOAN FACE. WELCOME TO "CONSUMER PROBE." WELL, ON MONDAY NIGHT, ALL

WELCOME TO "CONSUMER PROBE." WELL, ON MONDAY NIGHT, ALL HALLOW'S EVE, THERE WILL BE A

WELL, ON MONDAY NIGHT, ALL HALLOW'S EVE, THERE WILL BE A LOT OF WITCHES, GHOSTS, AND

HALLOW'S EVE, THERE WILL BE A LOT OF WITCHES, GHOSTS, AND GOBLINS ROAMING THE STREETS,

LOT OF WITCHES, GHOSTS, AND GOBLINS ROAMING THE STREETS, TRYING TO GIVE US ALL A

GOBLINS ROAMING THE STREETS, TRYING TO GIVE US ALL A TRADITIONAL HALLOWEEN FRIGHT.

TRYING TO GIVE US ALL A TRADITIONAL HALLOWEEN FRIGHT. BUT WHAT REALLY FRIGHTENS US

TRADITIONAL HALLOWEEN FRIGHT. BUT WHAT REALLY FRIGHTENS US HERE AT "CONSUMER PROBE" IS THE

BUT WHAT REALLY FRIGHTENS US HERE AT "CONSUMER PROBE" IS THE INCREASING NUMBER OF INJURIES

HERE AT "CONSUMER PROBE" IS THE INCREASING NUMBER OF INJURIES AND EVEN FATALITIES CAUSED EACH

INCREASING NUMBER OF INJURIES AND EVEN FATALITIES CAUSED EACH YEAR BY UNSAFE HALLOWEEN

AND EVEN FATALITIES CAUSED EACH YEAR BY UNSAFE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR CHILDREN.

YEAR BY UNSAFE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR CHILDREN. FOR INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE

COSTUMES FOR CHILDREN. FOR INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE SKELETON COSTUME LOOKS CUTE AND

FOR INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE SKELETON COSTUME LOOKS CUTE AND HARMLESS, BUT IN FACT IS COATED

SKELETON COSTUME LOOKS CUTE AND HARMLESS, BUT IN FACT IS COATED WITH A HIGHLY FLAMMABLE PAINT.

HARMLESS, BUT IN FACT IS COATED WITH A HIGHLY FLAMMABLE PAINT. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS

WITH A HIGHLY FLAMMABLE PAINT. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF MAINWAY NOVELTIES AND CHAIRMAN

MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF MAINWAY NOVELTIES AND CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF MAINWAY LATEX

MAINWAY NOVELTIES AND CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF MAINWAY LATEX CORPORATION.

OF THE BOARD OF MAINWAY LATEX CORPORATION. MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE CLEARLY THE

CORPORATION. MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE CLEARLY THE MOST FLAGRANT OFFENDER IN THIS

MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE CLEARLY THE MOST FLAGRANT OFFENDER IN THIS AREA.

MOST FLAGRANT OFFENDER IN THIS AREA. FOR INSTANCE, YOUR COMPANY

AREA. FOR INSTANCE, YOUR COMPANY MANUFACTURES AND DISTRIBUTES

FOR INSTANCE, YOUR COMPANY MANUFACTURES AND DISTRIBUTES THIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME...

MANUFACTURES AND DISTRIBUTES THIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME... JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK,

THIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME... JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK, WHICH RETAILS FOR $6.95.

JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK, WHICH RETAILS FOR $6.95. IT'S NOTHING MORE THAN A PLASTIC

WHICH RETAILS FOR $6.95. IT'S NOTHING MORE THAN A PLASTIC BAG AND A RUBBER BAND.

IT'S NOTHING MORE THAN A PLASTIC BAG AND A RUBBER BAND. THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS FOR YOUNG

BAG AND A RUBBER BAND. THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS FOR YOUNG CHILDREN.

THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS FOR YOUNG CHILDREN. OKAY, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING

CHILDREN. OKAY, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY PRODUCT RIGHT HERE,

OKAY, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY PRODUCT RIGHT HERE, JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK.

ABOUT MY PRODUCT RIGHT HERE, JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK. I WANT TO SAY, FIRST OF ALL,

JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK. I WANT TO SAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S A VERY FLUID ITEM, IN TERMS

I WANT TO SAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S A VERY FLUID ITEM, IN TERMS OF SALES.

IT'S A VERY FLUID ITEM, IN TERMS OF SALES. I DON'T KNOW, MISS FACE, IF

OF SALES. I DON'T KNOW, MISS FACE, IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE

I DON'T KNOW, MISS FACE, IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE "STAR WARS"?

YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE "STAR WARS"? WELL, THIS MOVIE HAS GENERATED A

"STAR WARS"? WELL, THIS MOVIE HAS GENERATED A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF POPULARITY

WELL, THIS MOVIE HAS GENERATED A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF POPULARITY AND ENTHUSIASM ABOUT SPACE AND

TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF POPULARITY AND ENTHUSIASM ABOUT SPACE AND SCIENCE FICTION.

AND ENTHUSIASM ABOUT SPACE AND SCIENCE FICTION. THIS JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK

SCIENCE FICTION. THIS JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK HERE IS A PURE FANTASY TOY.

THIS JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER MASK HERE IS A PURE FANTASY TOY. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, KIDS CAN HAVE

HERE IS A PURE FANTASY TOY. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, KIDS CAN HAVE A LOT OF FUN WITH A TOY LIKE

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, KIDS CAN HAVE A LOT OF FUN WITH A TOY LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

A LOT OF FUN WITH A TOY LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW? LET ME SHOW YOU.

THIS, YOU KNOW? LET ME SHOW YOU. I PLAY WITH IT ALL THE TIME.

LET ME SHOW YOU. I PLAY WITH IT ALL THE TIME. "HELLO, HELLO.

I PLAY WITH IT ALL THE TIME. "HELLO, HELLO. THIS IS JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER.

"HELLO, HELLO. THIS IS JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER. TO SPACE BASE...

THIS IS JOHNNY SPACE COMMANDER. TO SPACE BASE... I'M GONNA LAND THE ROCKET NOW."

TO SPACE BASE... I'M GONNA LAND THE ROCKET NOW." YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

I'M GONNA LAND THE ROCKET NOW." YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? SEE WHAT I MEAN?

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? SEE WHAT I MEAN? PURE FANTASY, YOU KNOW?

SEE WHAT I MEAN? PURE FANTASY, YOU KNOW? ALL RIGHT, MR. MAINWAY, IF

PURE FANTASY, YOU KNOW? ALL RIGHT, MR. MAINWAY, IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT WAS UNSAFE,

ALL RIGHT, MR. MAINWAY, IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT WAS UNSAFE, HOW ABOUT THIS HALLOWEEN

YOU DON'T THINK THAT WAS UNSAFE, HOW ABOUT THIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME, WHICH YOU MARKET UNDER

HOW ABOUT THIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME, WHICH YOU MARKET UNDER THE LABEL "INVISIBLE

COSTUME, WHICH YOU MARKET UNDER THE LABEL "INVISIBLE PEDESTRIAN"?

THE LABEL "INVISIBLE PEDESTRIAN"? IT'S AN ALL-BLACK SUIT, GLOVES,

PEDESTRIAN"? IT'S AN ALL-BLACK SUIT, GLOVES, AND MASK.

IT'S AN ALL-BLACK SUIT, GLOVES, AND MASK. NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME,

AND MASK. NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME, MR. MAINWAY, A CHILD WEARING

NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME, MR. MAINWAY, A CHILD WEARING THIS COSTUME AT NIGHT TO GO

MR. MAINWAY, A CHILD WEARING THIS COSTUME AT NIGHT TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING IS IN GRAVE

THIS COSTUME AT NIGHT TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING IS IN GRAVE DANGER OF BEING HIT BY A CAR.

TRICK-OR-TREATING IS IN GRAVE DANGER OF BEING HIT BY A CAR. CAR?

DANGER OF BEING HIT BY A CAR. CAR? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "CAR,"

CAR? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "CAR," MISS FACE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "CAR," MISS FACE? I MEAN, A CAR IS A PRETTY BIG

MISS FACE? I MEAN, A CAR IS A PRETTY BIG OBJECT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, A CAR IS A PRETTY BIG OBJECT, RIGHT? I MEAN, KIDS ARE SMART TODAY,

OBJECT, RIGHT? I MEAN, KIDS ARE SMART TODAY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, KIDS ARE SMART TODAY, YOU KNOW? THEY KNOW WHEN A CAR IS COMING

YOU KNOW? THEY KNOW WHEN A CAR IS COMING AT THEM TO JUMP OUT OF THE WAY.

THEY KNOW WHEN A CAR IS COMING AT THEM TO JUMP OUT OF THE WAY. I MEAN, MOST OF THE KIDS I KNOW

AT THEM TO JUMP OUT OF THE WAY. I MEAN, MOST OF THE KIDS I KNOW GO TRICK-OR-TREATING AT HOUSES,

I MEAN, MOST OF THE KIDS I KNOW GO TRICK-OR-TREATING AT HOUSES, RIGHT?

GO TRICK-OR-TREATING AT HOUSES, RIGHT? YOU DON'T SEE TOO MANY KIDS

RIGHT? YOU DON'T SEE TOO MANY KIDS WALKING ALONG THE EXPRESSWAY AND

YOU DON'T SEE TOO MANY KIDS WALKING ALONG THE EXPRESSWAY AND KNOCKING ON WINDSHIELDS, SAYING,

WALKING ALONG THE EXPRESSWAY AND KNOCKING ON WINDSHIELDS, SAYING, "TRICK OR TREAT?" RIGHT?

KNOCKING ON WINDSHIELDS, SAYING, "TRICK OR TREAT?" RIGHT? THIS IS A SIDEWALK COSTUME.

"TRICK OR TREAT?" RIGHT? THIS IS A SIDEWALK COSTUME. A SIDEWALK COSTUME?

THIS IS A SIDEWALK COSTUME. A SIDEWALK COSTUME? YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE

A SIDEWALK COSTUME? YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE DON'T RECOMMEND IT FOR BLIND

YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE DON'T RECOMMEND IT FOR BLIND KIDS.

DON'T RECOMMEND IT FOR BLIND KIDS. I MEAN, SEE, THERE'S A WARNING

KIDS. I MEAN, SEE, THERE'S A WARNING RIGHT ON THE LABEL - "INVISIBLE

I MEAN, SEE, THERE'S A WARNING RIGHT ON THE LABEL - "INVISIBLE PEDESTRIAN... NOT FOR BLIND

RIGHT ON THE LABEL - "INVISIBLE PEDESTRIAN... NOT FOR BLIND KIDS."

PEDESTRIAN... NOT FOR BLIND KIDS." ALL RIGHT?

KIDS." ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, MR. MAINWAY.

ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, MR. MAINWAY. BUT SURELY EVEN YOU CAN SEE THE

ALL RIGHT, MR. MAINWAY. BUT SURELY EVEN YOU CAN SEE THE DANGER IN THIS NEXT PRODUCT,

BUT SURELY EVEN YOU CAN SEE THE DANGER IN THIS NEXT PRODUCT, WHICH YOU CALL JOHNNY COMBAT

DANGER IN THIS NEXT PRODUCT, WHICH YOU CALL JOHNNY COMBAT ACTION COSTUME.

WHICH YOU CALL JOHNNY COMBAT ACTION COSTUME. THIS IS AN ACTUAL WORKING RIFLE!

ACTION COSTUME. THIS IS AN ACTUAL WORKING RIFLE! YEAH, IT'S AN M1.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL WORKING RIFLE! YEAH, IT'S AN M1. M-1, YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S AN M1. M-1, YEAH. I MEAN, THIS IS A DEADLY

M-1, YEAH. I MEAN, THIS IS A DEADLY WEAPON, AND YOU'RE SELLING IT TO

I MEAN, THIS IS A DEADLY WEAPON, AND YOU'RE SELLING IT TO CHILDREN!

WEAPON, AND YOU'RE SELLING IT TO CHILDREN! THE AMMO'S NOT INCLUDED.

CHILDREN! THE AMMO'S NOT INCLUDED. THIS IS A VERY POPULAR PRODUCT,

THE AMMO'S NOT INCLUDED. THIS IS A VERY POPULAR PRODUCT, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS A VERY POPULAR PRODUCT, YOU KNOW? WE GIVE THE KID A LITTLE

YOU KNOW? WE GIVE THE KID A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA... FIELD

WE GIVE THE KID A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA... FIELD GLASSES, A LITTLE HELMET THERE,

SOMETHING EXTRA... FIELD GLASSES, A LITTLE HELMET THERE, THE GUN, YOU KNOW?

GLASSES, A LITTLE HELMET THERE, THE GUN, YOU KNOW? IT MAKES THEM FEEL LIKE A REAL

THE GUN, YOU KNOW? IT MAKES THEM FEEL LIKE A REAL GENERAL!

IT MAKES THEM FEEL LIKE A REAL GENERAL! [CHUCKLES]

GENERAL! [CHUCKLES] THIS PRODUCT IS VERY POPULAR IN

[CHUCKLES] THIS PRODUCT IS VERY POPULAR IN TEXAS AND DETROIT.

THIS PRODUCT IS VERY POPULAR IN TEXAS AND DETROIT. WE SELL A LOT OF THEM.

TEXAS AND DETROIT. WE SELL A LOT OF THEM. WHAT ABOUT THIS...

WE SELL A LOT OF THEM. WHAT ABOUT THIS... JOHNNY HUMAN TORCH?

WHAT ABOUT THIS... JOHNNY HUMAN TORCH? IT'S A BAG OF OILY RAGS AND A

JOHNNY HUMAN TORCH? IT'S A BAG OF OILY RAGS AND A LIGHTER.

IT'S A BAG OF OILY RAGS AND A LIGHTER. THIS HAPPENS TO BE A FAVORITE

LIGHTER. THIS HAPPENS TO BE A FAVORITE ITEM OF MINE BECAUSE IT'S A

THIS HAPPENS TO BE A FAVORITE ITEM OF MINE BECAUSE IT'S A LOW-PRICED HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

ITEM OF MINE BECAUSE IT'S A LOW-PRICED HALLOWEEN COSTUME. IT'S REALLY ONE OF THE MORE

LOW-PRICED HALLOWEEN COSTUME. IT'S REALLY ONE OF THE MORE EXCITING ONES, YOU KNOW?

IT'S REALLY ONE OF THE MORE EXCITING ONES, YOU KNOW? YOU TAKE THE RAGS.

EXCITING ONES, YOU KNOW? YOU TAKE THE RAGS. YOU JUST PIN THEM ON THERE LIKE

YOU TAKE THE RAGS. YOU JUST PIN THEM ON THERE LIKE A HOBO, YOU KNOW, AND THEN FLAME

YOU JUST PIN THEM ON THERE LIKE A HOBO, YOU KNOW, AND THEN FLAME ON... LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT, YOU

A HOBO, YOU KNOW, AND THEN FLAME ON... LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

ON... LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT, YOU KNOW? IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COSTUME, I

KNOW? IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COSTUME, I THINK.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COSTUME, I THINK. MR. MAINWAY, I AM SHOCKED AT

THINK. MR. MAINWAY, I AM SHOCKED AT YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE ATTITUDE!

MR. MAINWAY, I AM SHOCKED AT YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE ATTITUDE! I THINK WE CAN ALL SEE THAT YOUR

YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE ATTITUDE! I THINK WE CAN ALL SEE THAT YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES ARE UNSAFE

I THINK WE CAN ALL SEE THAT YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES ARE UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE BANNED

HALLOWEEN COSTUMES ARE UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE BANNED FROM THE MARKET.

AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE BANNED FROM THE MARKET. NOW, WAIT A SECOND! HOLD IT!

FROM THE MARKET. NOW, WAIT A SECOND! HOLD IT! YOU'RE PICKING ON THINGS BECAUSE

NOW, WAIT A SECOND! HOLD IT! YOU'RE PICKING ON THINGS BECAUSE YOU'RE SAYING THESE COSTUMES ARE

YOU'RE PICKING ON THINGS BECAUSE YOU'RE SAYING THESE COSTUMES ARE UNSAFE.

YOU'RE SAYING THESE COSTUMES ARE UNSAFE. WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU

UNSAFE. WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING... ANY ITEM OF

WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING... ANY ITEM OF CLOTHING CAN BE PROVEN UNSAFE!

SOMETHING... ANY ITEM OF CLOTHING CAN BE PROVEN UNSAFE! ANYTHING... WHAT YOU'RE WEARING,

CLOTHING CAN BE PROVEN UNSAFE! ANYTHING... WHAT YOU'RE WEARING, WHAT I'M WEARING.

ANYTHING... WHAT YOU'RE WEARING, WHAT I'M WEARING. RIGHT NOW I'VE GOT THIS TIE ON,

WHAT I'M WEARING. RIGHT NOW I'VE GOT THIS TIE ON, A NICE TIE, A NICE THIN TIE.

RIGHT NOW I'VE GOT THIS TIE ON, A NICE TIE, A NICE THIN TIE. OKAY, I'M DRIVING ALONG IN MY

A NICE TIE, A NICE THIN TIE. OKAY, I'M DRIVING ALONG IN MY CONVERTIBLE.

OKAY, I'M DRIVING ALONG IN MY CONVERTIBLE. SUDDEN GUST OF WIND COMES UP.

CONVERTIBLE. SUDDEN GUST OF WIND COMES UP. I COULD CHOKE TO DEATH.

SUDDEN GUST OF WIND COMES UP. I COULD CHOKE TO DEATH. I COULD DIE, YOU KNOW?

I COULD CHOKE TO DEATH. I COULD DIE, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, REALLY, YOU KNOW?

I COULD DIE, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, REALLY, YOU KNOW? I COULD PUT IN MY MOUTH.

I MEAN, REALLY, YOU KNOW? I COULD PUT IN MY MOUTH. I COULD SWALLOW MY WHOLE SHIRT!

I COULD PUT IN MY MOUTH. I COULD SWALLOW MY WHOLE SHIRT! MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE A VERY

I COULD SWALLOW MY WHOLE SHIRT! MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE A VERY SLEAZY MAN.

MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE A VERY SLEAZY MAN. YEAH, WELL...

SLEAZY MAN. YEAH, WELL... I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE

YEAH, WELL... I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE...

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE... SEE THIS JACKET HERE?

TIME WE HAVE... SEE THIS JACKET HERE? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK...

SEE THIS JACKET HERE? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK... THIS IS A RAYON/POLYESTER

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK... THIS IS A RAYON/POLYESTER JACKET...

THIS IS A RAYON/POLYESTER JACKET... HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE

JACKET... HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE HALLOWEEN.

HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE HALLOWEEN. THIS COULD GO UP IN FLAMES

HALLOWEEN. THIS COULD GO UP IN FLAMES JUST LIKE THAT!

THIS COULD GO UP IN FLAMES JUST LIKE THAT! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!

JUST LIKE THAT! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS! SEE? HUH? HUH?

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS! SEE? HUH? HUH? LOOK AT THIS!

SEE? HUH? HUH? LOOK AT THIS! HEY! HEY! LOOK AT THIS!

LOOK AT THIS! HEY! HEY! LOOK AT THIS! IT'S BURNING, OKAY?

HEY! HEY! LOOK AT THIS! IT'S BURNING, OKAY? THIS THING'S BURNING!

HI, GANG. BILL MURRAY HERE. SAY, MR. MIKE AND I ARE HARD AT

BILL MURRAY HERE. SAY, MR. MIKE AND I ARE HARD AT WORK.

SAY, MR. MIKE AND I ARE HARD AT WORK. POOR PENMANSHIP.

WORK. POOR PENMANSHIP. WE'RE CHECKING THE ENTRIES

POOR PENMANSHIP. WE'RE CHECKING THE ENTRIES FOR OUR "ANYONE CAN HOST"

WE'RE CHECKING THE ENTRIES FOR OUR "ANYONE CAN HOST" CONTEST.

FOR OUR "ANYONE CAN HOST" CONTEST. NOW, MANY PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE

CONTEST. NOW, MANY PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE THERE'S A CONTEST, BUT THERE IS.

NOW, MANY PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE THERE'S A CONTEST, BUT THERE IS. THERE REALLY IS, REALLY!

THERE'S A CONTEST, BUT THERE IS. THERE REALLY IS, REALLY! IT HAS A SMUDGE ON THE

THERE REALLY IS, REALLY! IT HAS A SMUDGE ON THE CORNER.

IT HAS A SMUDGE ON THE CORNER. UGH.

CORNER. UGH. AND THE CONTEST DEADLINE IS

UGH. AND THE CONTEST DEADLINE IS NOVEMBER 1st.

AND THE CONTEST DEADLINE IS NOVEMBER 1st. THAT'S MONDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

NOVEMBER 1st. THAT'S MONDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. SO, YOU GOT TO SEND THESE CARDS

THAT'S MONDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. SO, YOU GOT TO SEND THESE CARDS IN, REALLY!

SO, YOU GOT TO SEND THESE CARDS IN, REALLY! NOW, HERE'S THE RULES.

IN, REALLY! NOW, HERE'S THE RULES. TELL US ON A POSTCARD... NOT A

NOW, HERE'S THE RULES. TELL US ON A POSTCARD... NOT A LETTER, BUT A POSTCARD.

TELL US ON A POSTCARD... NOT A LETTER, BUT A POSTCARD. UNEVEN MARGINS.

LETTER, BUT A POSTCARD. UNEVEN MARGINS. UGH!

UNEVEN MARGINS. UGH! IN 25 WORDS OR LESS WHY YOU'D

UGH! IN 25 WORDS OR LESS WHY YOU'D LIKE TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT."

IN 25 WORDS OR LESS WHY YOU'D LIKE TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT." TYPING ERROR.

LIKE TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT." TYPING ERROR. FIVE FINALISTS... FIVE...

TYPING ERROR. FIVE FINALISTS... FIVE... WILL BE CHOSEN TO READ THEIR

FIVE FINALISTS... FIVE... WILL BE CHOSEN TO READ THEIR POSTCARDS ON THE AIR NOVEMBER

WILL BE CHOSEN TO READ THEIR POSTCARDS ON THE AIR NOVEMBER 19th, AND THE WINNER WILL HOST

POSTCARDS ON THE AIR NOVEMBER 19th, AND THE WINNER WILL HOST OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW DECEMBER

19th, AND THE WINNER WILL HOST OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW DECEMBER 17th.

OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW DECEMBER 17th. OH, THIS IS FUNNY, BILL.

17th. OH, THIS IS FUNNY, BILL. LET'S KEEP THIS ONE.

OH, THIS IS FUNNY, BILL. LET'S KEEP THIS ONE. YOU'LL BE FLOWN OUT, PUT UP

LET'S KEEP THIS ONE. YOU'LL BE FLOWN OUT, PUT UP FOR A WEEK AT THE ESSEX HOUSE,

YOU'LL BE FLOWN OUT, PUT UP FOR A WEEK AT THE ESSEX HOUSE, MEET AND PARTY WITH THE

FOR A WEEK AT THE ESSEX HOUSE, MEET AND PARTY WITH THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

MEET AND PARTY WITH THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS, AND GET PAID $3,000 FOR

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS, AND GET PAID $3,000 FOR IT!

PLAYERS, AND GET PAID $3,000 FOR IT! MIKE, HOW YOU COMING WITH THOSE

IT! MIKE, HOW YOU COMING WITH THOSE POSTCARDS?

MIKE, HOW YOU COMING WITH THOSE POSTCARDS? 24, 25, 26.

POSTCARDS? 24, 25, 26. WHOOPS, THIS WAS ONE WORD OVER.

24, 25, 26. WHOOPS, THIS WAS ONE WORD OVER. AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

WHOOPS, THIS WAS ONE WORD OVER. AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DISQUALIFY THIS ONE, BILL.

AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DISQUALIFY THIS ONE, BILL. OH, GEE!

DISQUALIFY THIS ONE, BILL. OH, GEE! LOOK, LORNE MICHAELS IS

OH, GEE! LOOK, LORNE MICHAELS IS WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE ON AN

LOOK, LORNE MICHAELS IS WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE ON AN UNKNOWN, JUST LIKE HE DID WITH

WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE ON AN UNKNOWN, JUST LIKE HE DID WITH ME.

UNKNOWN, JUST LIKE HE DID WITH ME. HECK, THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, YOU

ME. HECK, THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, YOU COULD HAVE MY JOB.

HECK, THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, YOU COULD HAVE MY JOB. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SEND YOUR

COULD HAVE MY JOB. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SEND YOUR POSTCARD TO THIS ADDRESS.

Announcer: REMEMBER... RELATIVES OF PERSONS EMPLOYED BY NBC, RCA, OR ANY OF THEIR

RELATIVES OF PERSONS EMPLOYED BY NBC, RCA, OR ANY OF THEIR COMPANIES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE.

NBC, RCA, OR ANY OF THEIR COMPANIES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE

COMPANIES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW. UNATTRACTIVE STAMP.

PROHIBITED BY LAW. UNATTRACTIVE STAMP. [SIGHS]

UNATTRACTIVE STAMP. [SIGHS] WELL, GOOD LUCK, AND I MEAN IT.

[SIGHS] WELL, GOOD LUCK, AND I MEAN IT. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE!

WELL, GOOD LUCK, AND I MEAN IT. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO MAIL THOSE POSTCARDS, YOU

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO MAIL THOSE POSTCARDS, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS!

GO MAIL THOSE POSTCARDS, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS! I MEAN IT! GET OUT OF HERE!

Announcer: AND NOW, ANOTHER EPISODE OF... AHH!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] UH, EXCUSE ME. WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP OUR

UH, EXCUSE ME. WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP OUR SHIRTS.

WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP OUR SHIRTS. YOU SAID YOU'D HAVE THEM READY

SHIRTS. YOU SAID YOU'D HAVE THEM READY BY TODAY.

YOU SAID YOU'D HAVE THEM READY BY TODAY. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

BY TODAY. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, YES.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, YES. DEAR, DO YOU HAVE THE TICKET?

OH, YES. DEAR, DO YOU HAVE THE TICKET? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

DEAR, DO YOU HAVE THE TICKET? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH. YES, HERE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH. YES, HERE. THERE YOU GO.

OH. YES, HERE. THERE YOU GO. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THERE YOU GO. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

LOOK HOW HE HANDLES THAT SWORD. YEAH.

SWORD. YEAH. Shh.

YEAH. Shh. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Shh. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH! OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL!

OH! OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL! YOU DID A GREAT JOB!

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL! YOU DID A GREAT JOB! OOH.

YOU DID A GREAT JOB! OOH. WAIT A MINUTE.

OOH. WAIT A MINUTE. LOOK AT THAT SPOT.

WAIT A MINUTE. LOOK AT THAT SPOT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

LOOK AT THAT SPOT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] RIGHT THERE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] RIGHT THERE. I MEAN, YOU SAID YOU COULD GET

RIGHT THERE. I MEAN, YOU SAID YOU COULD GET THAT OUT.

I MEAN, YOU SAID YOU COULD GET THAT OUT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THAT OUT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I MEAN, YOU PROMISED.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I MEAN, YOU PROMISED. I WAS COUNTING ON IT.

I MEAN, YOU PROMISED. I WAS COUNTING ON IT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I WAS COUNTING ON IT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] WAIT! WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] WAIT! WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE! IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE! IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT. WHEW!

IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT. WHEW! WHEW! WHEW!

WHEW! WHEW! WHEW! WHEW!

WHEW! WHEW! WHEW! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHEW! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. WE'D LOVE IT IN A BOX.

IDEA. WE'D LOVE IT IN A BOX. [CHUCKLES]

WE'D LOVE IT IN A BOX. [CHUCKLES] HOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT

[CHUCKLES] HOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S SAYING?

HOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S SAYING? Shh.

HE'S SAYING? Shh. [CHUCKLES]

Shh. [CHUCKLES] [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THAT WAS PRE-ARRANGED, WASN'T IT? Shh.

IT? Shh. NO, I MEAN, IT HAD TO BE.

Shh. NO, I MEAN, IT HAD TO BE. YOU HAD TO HAVE A PROP DOWN

NO, I MEAN, IT HAD TO BE. YOU HAD TO HAVE A PROP DOWN THERE.

YOU HAD TO HAVE A PROP DOWN THERE. IT'S A GREAT GAG, THOUGH.

THERE. IT'S A GREAT GAG, THOUGH. IT HAD TO BE PLACED DOWN THERE

IT'S A GREAT GAG, THOUGH. IT HAD TO BE PLACED DOWN THERE AND THEN BROUGHT UP HERE.

IT HAD TO BE PLACED DOWN THERE AND THEN BROUGHT UP HERE. CHUCK, NO.

AND THEN BROUGHT UP HERE. CHUCK, NO. [COUGHS]

CHUCK, NO. [COUGHS] UM, LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO

[COUGHS] UM, LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO KNOW... HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE

UM, LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO KNOW... HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE FOR BEDSPREADS?

KNOW... HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE FOR BEDSPREADS? UH...

FOR BEDSPREADS? UH... [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

UH... [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] CHUCK!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] CHUCK! CHUCK, THOSE ARE JOHN'S LINES!

CHUCK! CHUCK, THOSE ARE JOHN'S LINES! OH.

CHUCK, THOSE ARE JOHN'S LINES! OH. "JOHN."

OH. "JOHN." OH, I'M SORRY.

"JOHN." OH, I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW, JOHN, IT'S SUCH AN

OH, I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW, JOHN, IT'S SUCH AN INCREDIBLE CHARACTER THAT... I'M

YOU KNOW, JOHN, IT'S SUCH AN INCREDIBLE CHARACTER THAT... I'M SORRY.

INCREDIBLE CHARACTER THAT... I'M SORRY. YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD AT THIS

SORRY. YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD AT THIS CHARACTER.

YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD AT THIS CHARACTER. IT'S TERRIFIC MAKEUP.

CHARACTER. IT'S TERRIFIC MAKEUP. IT'S VERY AUTHENTIC, JOHN.

IT'S TERRIFIC MAKEUP. IT'S VERY AUTHENTIC, JOHN. EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. GO AHEAD.

IT'S VERY AUTHENTIC, JOHN. EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. GO AHEAD. THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. GO AHEAD. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. COME ON. LET'S GO, CHUCK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. COME ON. LET'S GO, CHUCK. IT'S A FUNNY IDEA, JOHN.

COME ON. LET'S GO, CHUCK. IT'S A FUNNY IDEA, JOHN. IT'S AN EXCELLENCE SCENE.

IT'S A FUNNY IDEA, JOHN. IT'S AN EXCELLENCE SCENE. COME ON. LET'S GO.

IT'S AN EXCELLENCE SCENE. COME ON. LET'S GO. COME ON, CHUCK.

COME ON. LET'S GO. COME ON, CHUCK. [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN

COME ON, CHUCK. [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [GONG BANGS]

[LANGUAGE] [GONG BANGS] Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

[GONG BANGS] Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE DAN AYKROYD AND

THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE DAN AYKROYD AND ENAJ NIATRUC.

HERE ARE DAN AYKROYD AND ENAJ NIATRUC. UH, TRY TURNING THAT AROUND,

ENAJ NIATRUC. UH, TRY TURNING THAT AROUND, DON.

UH, TRY TURNING THAT AROUND, DON. Announcer: JANE CURTAIN.

DON. Announcer: JANE CURTAIN. ATTABOY, DON.

Announcer: JANE CURTAIN. ATTABOY, DON. YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

ATTABOY, DON. YOU'RE DOING GREAT. WELL, I'D BETTER.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT. WELL, I'D BETTER. OTHERWISE, THEY'RE GONNA PUT MY

WELL, I'D BETTER. OTHERWISE, THEY'RE GONNA PUT MY SSA IN A SLING.

OTHERWISE, THEY'RE GONNA PUT MY SSA IN A SLING. "SSA IN A SLING"?

SSA IN A SLING. "SSA IN A SLING"? JUST TURN THAT THE OTHER WAY

"SSA IN A SLING"? JUST TURN THAT THE OTHER WAY THERE, DON.

JUST TURN THAT THE OTHER WAY THERE, DON. Announcer: OOH, I BETTER NOT,

THERE, DON. Announcer: OOH, I BETTER NOT, DAN.

Announcer: OOH, I BETTER NOT, DAN. WELL, PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T.

DAN. WELL, PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T. JANE?

WELL, PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T. JANE? OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

JANE? OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IVAN MARX, A FORMER TV

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IVAN MARX, A FORMER TV PERSONALITY, CLAIMS TO POSSESS

IVAN MARX, A FORMER TV PERSONALITY, CLAIMS TO POSSESS AN AUTHENTIC 10-SECOND FILM OF

PERSONALITY, CLAIMS TO POSSESS AN AUTHENTIC 10-SECOND FILM OF BIGFOOT IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA,

AN AUTHENTIC 10-SECOND FILM OF BIGFOOT IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, AND HE THINKS IT CAN REAP

BIGFOOT IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, AND HE THINKS IT CAN REAP MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

AND HE THINKS IT CAN REAP MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. MARX IS SHOWN HERE CARRYING THE

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. MARX IS SHOWN HERE CARRYING THE FILM INTO A PHOTOGRAPHIC

MARX IS SHOWN HERE CARRYING THE FILM INTO A PHOTOGRAPHIC LABORATORY FOR INSPECTION OF ITS

FILM INTO A PHOTOGRAPHIC LABORATORY FOR INSPECTION OF ITS AUTHENTICITY.

LABORATORY FOR INSPECTION OF ITS AUTHENTICITY. SCANDAL IN THE WORLD OF

AUTHENTICITY. SCANDAL IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING THIS WEEK WHEN

SCANDAL IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING THIS WEEK WHEN SMALL CYST, THE WINNER OF THE

HORSE RACING THIS WEEK WHEN SMALL CYST, THE WINNER OF THE FIRST RACE AT BELMONT, WAS

SMALL CYST, THE WINNER OF THE FIRST RACE AT BELMONT, WAS DISQUALIFIED WHEN OFFICIALS

FIRST RACE AT BELMONT, WAS DISQUALIFIED WHEN OFFICIALS DISCOVERED AN ILLEGAL DRUG IN

DISQUALIFIED WHEN OFFICIALS DISCOVERED AN ILLEGAL DRUG IN HIS SYSTEM.

DISCOVERED AN ILLEGAL DRUG IN HIS SYSTEM. AFTERWARDS, THE EMBARRASSED

HIS SYSTEM. AFTERWARDS, THE EMBARRASSED HORSE DRESSED INCOGNITO TO AVOID

AFTERWARDS, THE EMBARRASSED HORSE DRESSED INCOGNITO TO AVOID THE QUESTION OF PROBING

HORSE DRESSED INCOGNITO TO AVOID THE QUESTION OF PROBING REPORTERS.

THE QUESTION OF PROBING REPORTERS. DAN?

REPORTERS. DAN? IN COLUMBUS, OHIO, A

DAN? IN COLUMBUS, OHIO, A 14-YEAR-OLD BOY ACCIDENTALLY

IN COLUMBUS, OHIO, A 14-YEAR-OLD BOY ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AND KILLED HIS BROTHER

14-YEAR-OLD BOY ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AND KILLED HIS BROTHER AFTER REENACTING A SHOOTOUT FROM

SHOT AND KILLED HIS BROTHER AFTER REENACTING A SHOOTOUT FROM THE MOVIE "DIRTY HARRY."

AFTER REENACTING A SHOOTOUT FROM THE MOVIE "DIRTY HARRY." ACCORDING TO HIS LAWYER, THE BOY

THE MOVIE "DIRTY HARRY." ACCORDING TO HIS LAWYER, THE BOY HAS SEEN AN ESTIMATED 11,000

ACCORDING TO HIS LAWYER, THE BOY HAS SEEN AN ESTIMATED 11,000 MURDERS ON TELEVISION.

HAS SEEN AN ESTIMATED 11,000 MURDERS ON TELEVISION. THE BOY IS NOW AT HOME ON

MURDERS ON TELEVISION. THE BOY IS NOW AT HOME ON PROBATION, WHERE HE IS BEING

THE BOY IS NOW AT HOME ON PROBATION, WHERE HE IS BEING SHOWN THE "BIRDMAN OF ALCATRAZ."

PROBATION, WHERE HE IS BEING SHOWN THE "BIRDMAN OF ALCATRAZ." CONTROVERSY SURROUNDS THE DEATH

SHOWN THE "BIRDMAN OF ALCATRAZ." CONTROVERSY SURROUNDS THE DEATH OF BLACK DISSIDENT STEVE BIKO,

CONTROVERSY SURROUNDS THE DEATH OF BLACK DISSIDENT STEVE BIKO, WHO DIED IN THE CUSTODY OF

OF BLACK DISSIDENT STEVE BIKO, WHO DIED IN THE CUSTODY OF SOUTH AFRICAN POLICE LAST MONTH.

WHO DIED IN THE CUSTODY OF SOUTH AFRICAN POLICE LAST MONTH. THE AUTHORITIES REPORTED THAT HE

SOUTH AFRICAN POLICE LAST MONTH. THE AUTHORITIES REPORTED THAT HE HAD DIED IN A HUNGER STRIKE, BUT

THE AUTHORITIES REPORTED THAT HE HAD DIED IN A HUNGER STRIKE, BUT BLACK LEADERS PURPORTED HE DIED

HAD DIED IN A HUNGER STRIKE, BUT BLACK LEADERS PURPORTED HE DIED FROM A BEATING.

BLACK LEADERS PURPORTED HE DIED FROM A BEATING. LATER, WHEN EXAMINATION OF HIS

FROM A BEATING. LATER, WHEN EXAMINATION OF HIS BODY SHOWED THAT HIS SKULL HAD

LATER, WHEN EXAMINATION OF HIS BODY SHOWED THAT HIS SKULL HAD BEEN KNOCKED IN, THE POLICE

BODY SHOWED THAT HIS SKULL HAD BEEN KNOCKED IN, THE POLICE EXPLAINED THAT THEY HAD TRIED TO

BEEN KNOCKED IN, THE POLICE EXPLAINED THAT THEY HAD TRIED TO AVERT HIS HUNGER STRIKE BY

EXPLAINED THAT THEY HAD TRIED TO AVERT HIS HUNGER STRIKE BY FORCE-FEEDING A FROZEN POT ROAST

AVERT HIS HUNGER STRIKE BY FORCE-FEEDING A FROZEN POT ROAST THROUGH THE TOP OF HIS HEAD.

FORCE-FEEDING A FROZEN POT ROAST THROUGH THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. JANE.

THROUGH THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. JANE. CHER BONO IS SUING HER

JANE. CHER BONO IS SUING HER PLASTIC SURGEON.

CHER BONO IS SUING HER PLASTIC SURGEON. SHOWN HERE ON HER WAY TO THE

PLASTIC SURGEON. SHOWN HERE ON HER WAY TO THE TAPING OF THE "BATTLE OF THE

SHOWN HERE ON HER WAY TO THE TAPING OF THE "BATTLE OF THE NETWORKS," SHE WAS QUESTIONED BY

TAPING OF THE "BATTLE OF THE NETWORKS," SHE WAS QUESTIONED BY NEWSMEN ABOUT WHY SHE'S TAKING

NETWORKS," SHE WAS QUESTIONED BY NEWSMEN ABOUT WHY SHE'S TAKING THIS ACTION.

NEWSMEN ABOUT WHY SHE'S TAKING THIS ACTION. THE 27-YEAR-OLD ENTERTAINER JUST

THIS ACTION. THE 27-YEAR-OLD ENTERTAINER JUST SMILED AND SAID NOTHING.

THE 27-YEAR-OLD ENTERTAINER JUST SMILED AND SAID NOTHING. FROM WASHINGTON, AN UNCONFIRMED

SMILED AND SAID NOTHING. FROM WASHINGTON, AN UNCONFIRMED REPORT STATES THAT THE FOOD AND

FROM WASHINGTON, AN UNCONFIRMED REPORT STATES THAT THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION WILL CHANGE

REPORT STATES THAT THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION WILL CHANGE ITS TITLE TO THE FOOD AND DOPE

DRUG ADMINISTRATION WILL CHANGE ITS TITLE TO THE FOOD AND DOPE ADMINISTRATION IN AN ATTEMPT TO

ITS TITLE TO THE FOOD AND DOPE ADMINISTRATION IN AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP UP WITH THE USERS OF THE

ADMINISTRATION IN AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP UP WITH THE USERS OF THE ADMINISTRATION'S SERVICES.

KEEP UP WITH THE USERS OF THE ADMINISTRATION'S SERVICES. [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

ADMINISTRATION'S SERVICES. [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] AH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] AH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A SPECIAL URGENT "WEEKEND UPDATE"

AH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A SPECIAL URGENT "WEEKEND UPDATE" BULLETIN COMING IN ON OUR

SPECIAL URGENT "WEEKEND UPDATE" BULLETIN COMING IN ON OUR DANCING "N."

BULLETIN COMING IN ON OUR DANCING "N." STEP BACK HERE TOWARDS THE DESK

DANCING "N." STEP BACK HERE TOWARDS THE DESK IF YOU COULD, "N."

STEP BACK HERE TOWARDS THE DESK IF YOU COULD, "N." JUST TAP IT A LITTLE THIS WAY,

IF YOU COULD, "N." JUST TAP IT A LITTLE THIS WAY, PLEASE.

JUST TAP IT A LITTLE THIS WAY, PLEASE. A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, "N."

PLEASE. A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, "N." LITTLE TO THE...

A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, "N." LITTLE TO THE... I GOT IT.

LITTLE TO THE... I GOT IT. THIS URGENT BULLETIN JUST IN...

I GOT IT. THIS URGENT BULLETIN JUST IN... "NO BULLETIN TODAY.

THIS URGENT BULLETIN JUST IN... "NO BULLETIN TODAY. I JUST FELT LIKE DANCING."

"NO BULLETIN TODAY. I JUST FELT LIKE DANCING." [SIGHS]

I JUST FELT LIKE DANCING." [SIGHS] [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

WELL, ASTRONOMY BUFFS WILL BE DELIGHTED TO KNOW THAT MONDAY AT 12:35 A.M., EASTERN STANDARD

DELIGHTED TO KNOW THAT MONDAY AT 12:35 A.M., EASTERN STANDARD TIME, WE'LL HAVE A VERY RARE

12:35 A.M., EASTERN STANDARD TIME, WE'LL HAVE A VERY RARE TREAT.

TIME, WE'LL HAVE A VERY RARE TREAT. THE PLANET MARS WILL DEVIATE

TREAT. THE PLANET MARS WILL DEVIATE FROM ITS NORMAL ORBIT AND

THE PLANET MARS WILL DEVIATE FROM ITS NORMAL ORBIT AND COLLIDE WITH VENUS AND THROW THE

FROM ITS NORMAL ORBIT AND COLLIDE WITH VENUS AND THROW THE EARTH INTO THE MOON!

COLLIDE WITH VENUS AND THROW THE EARTH INTO THE MOON! THE EVENT WILL BE VISIBLE

EARTH INTO THE MOON! THE EVENT WILL BE VISIBLE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE WORLD.

THE EVENT WILL BE VISIBLE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE WORLD. HEAVY CLOTHING IS RECOMMENDED.

THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE WORLD. HEAVY CLOTHING IS RECOMMENDED. WELL, BILL MURRAY IS JUST

HEAVY CLOTHING IS RECOMMENDED. WELL, BILL MURRAY IS JUST BACK FROM THE THEATER WITH A

WELL, BILL MURRAY IS JUST BACK FROM THE THEATER WITH A REVIEW FOR US.

BACK FROM THE THEATER WITH A REVIEW FOR US. BILL?

REVIEW FOR US. BILL? THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL? THANK YOU, JANE. HELLO, ALL YOU MANIACS.

THANK YOU, JANE. HELLO, ALL YOU MANIACS. GET OUT OF HERE.

HELLO, ALL YOU MANIACS. GET OUT OF HERE. HOW YOU DOING?

GET OUT OF HERE. HOW YOU DOING? TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE TALKING

HOW YOU DOING? TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT THE NEWEST TREND IN THE

TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT THE NEWEST TREND IN THE AMERICAN THEATER... THE ONE-MAN

ABOUT THE NEWEST TREND IN THE AMERICAN THEATER... THE ONE-MAN SHOW.

AMERICAN THEATER... THE ONE-MAN SHOW. USUALLY IT'S AN ACTOR PLAYING A

SHOW. USUALLY IT'S AN ACTOR PLAYING A FAMOUS PERSON.

USUALLY IT'S AN ACTOR PLAYING A FAMOUS PERSON. HAL HOLBROOK PLAYS MARK TWAIN,

FAMOUS PERSON. HAL HOLBROOK PLAYS MARK TWAIN, SHAY DUFFIN DOES BRENDAN BEHAN,

HAL HOLBROOK PLAYS MARK TWAIN, SHAY DUFFIN DOES BRENDAN BEHAN, AND THE NUMERO-UNO ONE-MAN MAN,

SHAY DUFFIN DOES BRENDAN BEHAN, AND THE NUMERO-UNO ONE-MAN MAN, JAMES WHITMORE, DOES

AND THE NUMERO-UNO ONE-MAN MAN, JAMES WHITMORE, DOES WILL ROGERS, HARRY TRUMAN, AND

JAMES WHITMORE, DOES WILL ROGERS, HARRY TRUMAN, AND TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

WILL ROGERS, HARRY TRUMAN, AND TEDDY ROOSEVELT. I DON'T WANT TO SOUND CRUEL, BUT

TEDDY ROOSEVELT. I DON'T WANT TO SOUND CRUEL, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHITMORE IS

I DON'T WANT TO SOUND CRUEL, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHITMORE IS STEALING LITTLE RICH LITTLE'S

IT SEEMS LIKE WHITMORE IS STEALING LITTLE RICH LITTLE'S ACT.

STEALING LITTLE RICH LITTLE'S ACT. NOW, I MEAN IT. GET OUT OF HERE.

ACT. NOW, I MEAN IT. GET OUT OF HERE. JUST KIDDING, JIMMY.

NOW, I MEAN IT. GET OUT OF HERE. JUST KIDDING, JIMMY. YOU KNOW ME.

JUST KIDDING, JIMMY. YOU KNOW ME. AND IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW

YOU KNOW ME. AND IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T TAKE THE BOX SEATS

AND IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T TAKE THE BOX SEATS THAT THE THEATER PEOPLE GIVE ME.

THAT I DON'T TAKE THE BOX SEATS THAT THE THEATER PEOPLE GIVE ME. UNH-UNH.

THAT THE THEATER PEOPLE GIVE ME. UNH-UNH. I SIT IN THE BALCONIES, UP WITH

UNH-UNH. I SIT IN THE BALCONIES, UP WITH THE PEOPLE, UH-HUH.

I SIT IN THE BALCONIES, UP WITH THE PEOPLE, UH-HUH. NOW, THIS GUY MAY SPEND THREE

THE PEOPLE, UH-HUH. NOW, THIS GUY MAY SPEND THREE HOURS IN MAKEUP, BUT FROM WHERE

NOW, THIS GUY MAY SPEND THREE HOURS IN MAKEUP, BUT FROM WHERE I SIT, HE COMES ON LOOKING LIKE

HOURS IN MAKEUP, BUT FROM WHERE I SIT, HE COMES ON LOOKING LIKE AN OLD ANT.

I SIT, HE COMES ON LOOKING LIKE AN OLD ANT. AN OLD ANT... COME ON.

AN OLD ANT. AN OLD ANT... COME ON. THAT'S FUNNY.

AN OLD ANT... COME ON. THAT'S FUNNY. ALL RIGHT, BUT I MISS THE

THAT'S FUNNY. ALL RIGHT, BUT I MISS THE PAGEANTRY.

ALL RIGHT, BUT I MISS THE PAGEANTRY. DON'T SAY TO ME, "HEY,

PAGEANTRY. DON'T SAY TO ME, "HEY, BILL MURRAY, WORKING AT RADIO

DON'T SAY TO ME, "HEY, BILL MURRAY, WORKING AT RADIO CITY, YOU'VE BEEN SPOILED BY THE

BILL MURRAY, WORKING AT RADIO CITY, YOU'VE BEEN SPOILED BY THE ROCKETTES."

CITY, YOU'VE BEEN SPOILED BY THE ROCKETTES." UNH-UNH. NO.

ROCKETTES." UNH-UNH. NO. UNH-UNH.

UNH-UNH. NO. UNH-UNH. AND SPEAKING OF THE ROCKETTES,

UNH-UNH. AND SPEAKING OF THE ROCKETTES, WHO'S EVER SEEN THEM DO A

AND SPEAKING OF THE ROCKETTES, WHO'S EVER SEEN THEM DO A ONE-MAN SHOW?

WHO'S EVER SEEN THEM DO A ONE-MAN SHOW? [CHUCKLES]

ONE-MAN SHOW? [CHUCKLES] BUT I DON'T SEE WHY

[CHUCKLES] BUT I DON'T SEE WHY TEDDY ROOSEVELT, FOR EXAMPLE,

BUT I DON'T SEE WHY TEDDY ROOSEVELT, FOR EXAMPLE, COULDN'T LOOK TO THE SIDE AND

TEDDY ROOSEVELT, FOR EXAMPLE, COULDN'T LOOK TO THE SIDE AND SHOOT A RHINO THAT CHARGES ON

COULDN'T LOOK TO THE SIDE AND SHOOT A RHINO THAT CHARGES ON FROM THE WINGS, STAGE LEFT, YOU

SHOOT A RHINO THAT CHARGES ON FROM THE WINGS, STAGE LEFT, YOU KNOW, OR LEAD A CHARGE UP

FROM THE WINGS, STAGE LEFT, YOU KNOW, OR LEAD A CHARGE UP SAN JUAN HILL.

KNOW, OR LEAD A CHARGE UP SAN JUAN HILL. THEN, INSTEAD OF ONE ANT, WE IN

SAN JUAN HILL. THEN, INSTEAD OF ONE ANT, WE IN THE BALCONY WOULD SEE AN ARMY OF

THEN, INSTEAD OF ONE ANT, WE IN THE BALCONY WOULD SEE AN ARMY OF ANTS.

THE BALCONY WOULD SEE AN ARMY OF ANTS. THE ANT JOKE FROM BEFORE.

ANTS. THE ANT JOKE FROM BEFORE. THERE ARE TWO REASONS FOR THESE

THE ANT JOKE FROM BEFORE. THERE ARE TWO REASONS FOR THESE SHOWS.

THERE ARE TWO REASONS FOR THESE SHOWS. ONE, EGOCENTRIC ACTORS WHO DON'T

SHOWS. ONE, EGOCENTRIC ACTORS WHO DON'T LIKE TO SHARE THE SPOTLIGHT, AND

ONE, EGOCENTRIC ACTORS WHO DON'T LIKE TO SHARE THE SPOTLIGHT, AND TWO, SHALL WE SAY "FRUGAL"

LIKE TO SHARE THE SPOTLIGHT, AND TWO, SHALL WE SAY "FRUGAL" PRODUCERS WHO PREFER TO PAY ONE

TWO, SHALL WE SAY "FRUGAL" PRODUCERS WHO PREFER TO PAY ONE ACTOR INSTEAD OF THE ENTIRE

PRODUCERS WHO PREFER TO PAY ONE ACTOR INSTEAD OF THE ENTIRE ENSEMBLE.

ACTOR INSTEAD OF THE ENTIRE ENSEMBLE. NOW, THIS IS UNFAIR TO THE MANY

ENSEMBLE. NOW, THIS IS UNFAIR TO THE MANY GOOD AND BAD ACTORS OUT OF WORK,

NOW, THIS IS UNFAIR TO THE MANY GOOD AND BAD ACTORS OUT OF WORK, AND TO THE PUBLIC, WHICH IS NOT

GOOD AND BAD ACTORS OUT OF WORK, AND TO THE PUBLIC, WHICH IS NOT GETTING ITS MONEY WORTH,

AND TO THE PUBLIC, WHICH IS NOT GETTING ITS MONEY WORTH, VISUALLY OR DRAMATICALLY.

GETTING ITS MONEY WORTH, VISUALLY OR DRAMATICALLY. I'M SORRY, BUT THESE ONE-MAN

VISUALLY OR DRAMATICALLY. I'M SORRY, BUT THESE ONE-MAN SHOWS ARE NOT THEATER.

I'M SORRY, BUT THESE ONE-MAN SHOWS ARE NOT THEATER. THEY'RE NOT DRAMA.

SHOWS ARE NOT THEATER. THEY'RE NOT DRAMA. WHAT IS DRAMA?

THEY'RE NOT DRAMA. WHAT IS DRAMA? INTERACTION BETWEEN PEOPLE.

WHAT IS DRAMA? INTERACTION BETWEEN PEOPLE. WHAT KIND OF INTERACTION CAN ONE

INTERACTION BETWEEN PEOPLE. WHAT KIND OF INTERACTION CAN ONE MAN HAVE WITH HIMSELF?

WHAT KIND OF INTERACTION CAN ONE MAN HAVE WITH HIMSELF? [CHUCKLES]

MAN HAVE WITH HIMSELF? [CHUCKLES] I'LL TELL YOU.

[CHUCKLES] I'LL TELL YOU. THE KIND OF ONE-MAN

I'LL TELL YOU. THE KIND OF ONE-MAN AUTO-THEATRICS THAT SHOULD BE

THE KIND OF ONE-MAN AUTO-THEATRICS THAT SHOULD BE PULLED OFF BROADWAY FOR GOOD.

AUTO-THEATRICS THAT SHOULD BE PULLED OFF BROADWAY FOR GOOD. I MEAN, IT'S A BAD JOKE, IF YOU

PULLED OFF BROADWAY FOR GOOD. I MEAN, IT'S A BAD JOKE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BUT I'M

I MEAN, IT'S A BAD JOKE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BUT I'M SORRY.

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BUT I'M SORRY. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THAT'S THE

SORRY. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE!

WAY I FEEL. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR "WEEKEND

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," THROWING IT BACK TO

THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," THROWING IT BACK TO YOU, JANE.

UPDATE," THROWING IT BACK TO YOU, JANE. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU

YOU, JANE. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD!

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD! HERE'S A LITTLE ONE-WOMAN SHOW

KNUCKLEHEAD! HERE'S A LITTLE ONE-WOMAN SHOW IN HERSELF!

HERE'S A LITTLE ONE-WOMAN SHOW IN HERSELF! I MEAN IT.

IN HERSELF! I MEAN IT. IT'S THEATER, BILL, THEATER.

I MEAN IT. IT'S THEATER, BILL, THEATER. AND NOW, A NEW FEATURE FROM

IT'S THEATER, BILL, THEATER. AND NOW, A NEW FEATURE FROM "NEWS UPDATE"... NEWS FOR THE

AND NOW, A NEW FEATURE FROM "NEWS UPDATE"... NEWS FOR THE SILENT-MOVIE BUFF.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

AND NOW, "NEWS UPDATE" HAS A SCOOP ON THE CELEBRATED JIMMY HOFFA STORY, THE TEAMSTERS

SCOOP ON THE CELEBRATED JIMMY HOFFA STORY, THE TEAMSTERS CHIEFTAIN WHO DISAPPEARED IN

JIMMY HOFFA STORY, THE TEAMSTERS CHIEFTAIN WHO DISAPPEARED IN JULY 1975.

CHIEFTAIN WHO DISAPPEARED IN JULY 1975. WE HAVE WITH US SPECIAL AGENT

JULY 1975. WE HAVE WITH US SPECIAL AGENT LIEUTENANT WILLARD JACKSON FROM

WE HAVE WITH US SPECIAL AGENT LIEUTENANT WILLARD JACKSON FROM THE FBI FIELD OFFICE...

LIEUTENANT WILLARD JACKSON FROM THE FBI FIELD OFFICE... LIEUTENANT JACKSON, WHO WILL

THE FBI FIELD OFFICE... LIEUTENANT JACKSON, WHO WILL TALK WITH DAN.

LIEUTENANT JACKSON, WHO WILL TALK WITH DAN. HI, AGENT JACKSON.

TALK WITH DAN. HI, AGENT JACKSON. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, AGENT JACKSON. HOW ARE YOU? HOW YOU DOING, MR. AYKROYD?

HOW ARE YOU? HOW YOU DOING, MR. AYKROYD? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HOW YOU DOING, MR. AYKROYD? THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NOW...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NOW... WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE FOR

NOW... WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE FOR US?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE FOR US? I'VE GOT HERE... A HUNTER

US? I'VE GOT HERE... A HUNTER FOUND THIS SKELETON IN A FOREST

I'VE GOT HERE... A HUNTER FOUND THIS SKELETON IN A FOREST LAST THURSDAY IN PHILADELPHIA,

FOUND THIS SKELETON IN A FOREST LAST THURSDAY IN PHILADELPHIA, SEE?

LAST THURSDAY IN PHILADELPHIA, SEE? YEAH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE.

SEE? YEAH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE. ONE MINUTE.

YEAH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE. ONE MINUTE. AH, THERE IT IS. THERE.

ONE MINUTE. AH, THERE IT IS. THERE. NOW... NOW... NOW, WE THOUGHT

AH, THERE IT IS. THERE. NOW... NOW... NOW, WE THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS THE REMAINS OF

NOW... NOW... NOW, WE THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS THE REMAINS OF JIMMY HOFFA, YOU KNOW?

THAT THIS WAS THE REMAINS OF JIMMY HOFFA, YOU KNOW? BUT WE HAVE SINCE DETERMINED

JIMMY HOFFA, YOU KNOW? BUT WE HAVE SINCE DETERMINED THAT THIS IS NOT JIMMY HOFFA'S

BUT WE HAVE SINCE DETERMINED THAT THIS IS NOT JIMMY HOFFA'S SKULL.

THAT THIS IS NOT JIMMY HOFFA'S SKULL. THIS IS NOT HIS SKULL.

SKULL. THIS IS NOT HIS SKULL. BUT, STRANGELY ENOUGH, THESE ARE

THIS IS NOT HIS SKULL. BUT, STRANGELY ENOUGH, THESE ARE HIS TEETH.

BUT, STRANGELY ENOUGH, THESE ARE HIS TEETH. AND THIS HERE... THIS IS

HIS TEETH. AND THIS HERE... THIS IS AMELIA EARHART'S WRIST BONE!

AND THIS HERE... THIS IS AMELIA EARHART'S WRIST BONE! AND THIS IS JUDGE CRATER'S

AMELIA EARHART'S WRIST BONE! AND THIS IS JUDGE CRATER'S HIPBONE.

AND THIS IS JUDGE CRATER'S HIPBONE. AND THIS HERE... THIS HERE...

HIPBONE. AND THIS HERE... THIS HERE... I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS FROM.

AND THIS HERE... THIS HERE... I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS FROM. OH, MIKE TODD'S VERTEBRAE.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS FROM. OH, MIKE TODD'S VERTEBRAE. THAT'S WHO THAT'S FROM.

OH, MIKE TODD'S VERTEBRAE. THAT'S WHO THAT'S FROM. AND ONE OTHER THING.

THAT'S WHO THAT'S FROM. AND ONE OTHER THING. AND THIS HERE IS BISHOP PIKE'S,

AND ONE OTHER THING. AND THIS HERE IS BISHOP PIKE'S, UH, JOCKEY SHORTS.

AND THIS HERE IS BISHOP PIKE'S, UH, JOCKEY SHORTS. THIS MISSING BISHOP PIKE FROM

UH, JOCKEY SHORTS. THIS MISSING BISHOP PIKE FROM YEARS AGO?

THIS MISSING BISHOP PIKE FROM YEARS AGO? THESE ARE HIS JOCKEY SHORTS?

YEARS AGO? THESE ARE HIS JOCKEY SHORTS? THAT'S HIS JOCKEY SHORTS.

THESE ARE HIS JOCKEY SHORTS? THAT'S HIS JOCKEY SHORTS. UH, WELL, I'LL, UH, BE SEEING

THAT'S HIS JOCKEY SHORTS. UH, WELL, I'LL, UH, BE SEEING YOU.

UH, WELL, I'LL, UH, BE SEEING YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AGENT JACKSON.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AGENT JACKSON. WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THAT STORY AS

AGENT JACKSON. WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THAT STORY AS IT DETERIORATES.

WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THAT STORY AS IT DETERIORATES. [CLEARS THROAT]

IT DETERIORATES. [CLEARS THROAT] AND OUR FINAL STORY

[CLEARS THROAT] AND OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT... ACCORDING TO THE

AND OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT... ACCORDING TO THE LATEST MASTERS AND JOHNSON

TONIGHT... ACCORDING TO THE LATEST MASTERS AND JOHNSON REPORT, MALE CHILDREN FIRST

LATEST MASTERS AND JOHNSON REPORT, MALE CHILDREN FIRST EXPERIENCE SEXUAL STIMULATION AS

REPORT, MALE CHILDREN FIRST EXPERIENCE SEXUAL STIMULATION AS EARLY AS THE TIME THEY ARE IN

EXPERIENCE SEXUAL STIMULATION AS EARLY AS THE TIME THEY ARE IN THE WOMB.

EARLY AS THE TIME THEY ARE IN THE WOMB. THIS PHENOMENON, KNOWN AS FETUS

THE WOMB. THIS PHENOMENON, KNOWN AS FETUS ERECTUS, IS SAID TO REACH A PEAK

THIS PHENOMENON, KNOWN AS FETUS ERECTUS, IS SAID TO REACH A PEAK AT ABOUT THE TIME OF BIRTH, THUS

ERECTUS, IS SAID TO REACH A PEAK AT ABOUT THE TIME OF BIRTH, THUS LENDING CREDENCE TO THE

AT ABOUT THE TIME OF BIRTH, THUS LENDING CREDENCE TO THE EXPRESSION, "THE BABY IS HOLDING

LENDING CREDENCE TO THE EXPRESSION, "THE BABY IS HOLDING HIS OWN."

EXPRESSION, "THE BABY IS HOLDING HIS OWN." THAT'S OUR NEWS.

HIS OWN." THAT'S OUR NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S OUR NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA

IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A

NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A CENTURY.

[INTRO TO "THE SOUND OF SILENCE" PLAYS]

Both: ♪ HELLO, DARKNESS, MY OLD FRIEND ♪ [Off-key] ♪ I'VE COME TO

OLD FRIEND ♪ [Off-key] ♪ I'VE COME TO TALK WITH YOU AGAIN ♪

[Off-key] ♪ I'VE COME TO TALK WITH YOU AGAIN ♪ ♪ BECAUSE A VISION SOFTLY...

TALK WITH YOU AGAIN ♪ ♪ BECAUSE A VISION SOFTLY... CREEPING ♪

♪ BECAUSE A VISION SOFTLY... CREEPING ♪ ♪ LEFT ITS SEEDS WHILE I WAS

CREEPING ♪ ♪ LEFT ITS SEEDS WHILE I WAS SLEEPING ♪

♪ LEFT ITS SEEDS WHILE I WAS SLEEPING ♪ ♪ AND THE VISION THAT WAS

SLEEPING ♪ ♪ AND THE VISION THAT WAS PLANTED IN MY BRAIN ♪

♪ AND THE VISION THAT WAS PLANTED IN MY BRAIN ♪ [MUSIC STOPS]

PLANTED IN MY BRAIN ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

[MUSIC STOPS] CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? SURE.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? SURE. WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

SURE. WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY CUT MY

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY CUT MY FILM CLIP WAY DOWN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY CUT MY FILM CLIP WAY DOWN. AND I REALLY DON'T FEEL I HAVE

FILM CLIP WAY DOWN. AND I REALLY DON'T FEEL I HAVE ALL THAT MUCH TO DO ON THE SHOW.

AND I REALLY DON'T FEEL I HAVE ALL THAT MUCH TO DO ON THE SHOW. SO, I-I'D REALLY APPREC... COULD

ALL THAT MUCH TO DO ON THE SHOW. SO, I-I'D REALLY APPREC... COULD WE JUST... A LITTLE...

SO, I-I'D REALLY APPREC... COULD WE JUST... A LITTLE... [MUSIC RESUMES]

WE JUST... A LITTLE... [MUSIC RESUMES] Both: ♪ IN RESTLESS DREAMS I

[MUSIC RESUMES] Both: ♪ IN RESTLESS DREAMS I WALKED ALONE ♪

Both: ♪ IN RESTLESS DREAMS I WALKED ALONE ♪ ♪ S... NARROW STREETS OF

WALKED ALONE ♪ ♪ S... NARROW STREETS OF COBBLESTONE ♪

♪ S... NARROW STREETS OF COBBLESTONE ♪ ♪ SEE... THE HALO OF... BAY...

COBBLESTONE ♪ ♪ SEE... THE HALO OF... BAY... LAMP ♪

♪ SEE... THE HALO OF... BAY... LAMP ♪ ♪ TIZ... HOLLAR TO THE... ♪

LAMP ♪ ♪ TIZ... HOLLAR TO THE... ♪ ♪ COLD AND DAMP ♪

♪ TIZ... HOLLAR TO THE... ♪ ♪ COLD AND DAMP ♪ ♪ WHEN THE EYES MABBED BY THE

♪ COLD AND DAMP ♪ ♪ WHEN THE EYES MABBED BY THE FW... ♪

♪ WHEN THE EYES MABBED BY THE FW... ♪ CHUCK, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

FW... ♪ CHUCK, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE LYRICS.

CHUCK, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE LYRICS. WELL, I'M REALLY... I'M

THE LYRICS. WELL, I'M REALLY... I'M LEARNING THEM AS WE'RE GOING.

WELL, I'M REALLY... I'M LEARNING THEM AS WE'RE GOING. CHUCK, THIS IS LIVE

LEARNING THEM AS WE'RE GOING. CHUCK, THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION.

CHUCK, THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE

TELEVISION. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE LEARNING.

THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE LEARNING. WELL, I'M... I'M MUCH MORE

LEARNING. WELL, I'M... I'M MUCH MORE FAMILIAR WITH WHAT'S COMING UP.

WELL, I'M... I'M MUCH MORE FAMILIAR WITH WHAT'S COMING UP. IF YOU WOULD JUST... COULD WE

FAMILIAR WITH WHAT'S COMING UP. IF YOU WOULD JUST... COULD WE JUST... A LITTLE... A LITTLE

IF YOU WOULD JUST... COULD WE JUST... A LITTLE... A LITTLE MORE?

JUST... A LITTLE... A LITTLE MORE? [MUSIC RESUMES]

MORE? [MUSIC RESUMES] YOU KNOW, AND ANOTHER

[MUSIC RESUMES] YOU KNOW, AND ANOTHER THING... THE WIG.

YOU KNOW, AND ANOTHER THING... THE WIG. WHY ARE YOU WEARING THIS WIG?

THING... THE WIG. WHY ARE YOU WEARING THIS WIG? IT LOOKS LIKE AN ART GARFUNKEL

WHY ARE YOU WEARING THIS WIG? IT LOOKS LIKE AN ART GARFUNKEL WIG.

IT LOOKS LIKE AN ART GARFUNKEL WIG. OH, IT IS AN ART GARFUNKEL

WIG. OH, IT IS AN ART GARFUNKEL WIG.

OH, IT IS AN ART GARFUNKEL WIG. BUT WHY?

WIG. BUT WHY? WELL, I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD

BUT WHY? WELL, I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO IT A LITTLE

WELL, I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO IT A LITTLE BETTER.

HELP ME GET INTO IT A LITTLE BETTER. IT'S VERY DISQUIETING TO ME

BETTER. IT'S VERY DISQUIETING TO ME TO SEE, OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY

IT'S VERY DISQUIETING TO ME TO SEE, OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE, THESE BLOND, CURLY HAIRS

TO SEE, OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE, THESE BLOND, CURLY HAIRS AND SINGING THIS SONG.

EYE, THESE BLOND, CURLY HAIRS AND SINGING THIS SONG. WELL...

AND SINGING THIS SONG. WELL... CHUCK, I MUST SAY THIS...

WELL... CHUCK, I MUST SAY THIS... YOU'RE A VERY WELL-KNOWN ACTOR.

CHUCK, I MUST SAY THIS... YOU'RE A VERY WELL-KNOWN ACTOR. YOU'RE A DIRECTOR.

YOU'RE A VERY WELL-KNOWN ACTOR. YOU'RE A DIRECTOR. WRITER.

YOU'RE A DIRECTOR. WRITER. YOU'RE A WRITER, AS WELL, AND

WRITER. YOU'RE A WRITER, AS WELL, AND I DON'T SEE WHY YOU FEEL THAT

YOU'RE A WRITER, AS WELL, AND I DON'T SEE WHY YOU FEEL THAT YOU MUST SING.

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU FEEL THAT YOU MUST SING. WELL, CLEARLY I HAVE MADE YOU

YOU MUST SING. WELL, CLEARLY I HAVE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, AND AS...

WELL, CLEARLY I HAVE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, AND AS... WELL, NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT

UNCOMFORTABLE, AND AS... WELL, NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT.

WELL, NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN IDEA

THAT. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN IDEA WHOSE...

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN IDEA WHOSE... WHOSE TIME HAS NOT COMING.

WHOSE... WHOSE TIME HAS NOT COMING. HAS NOT COME, NO.

WHOSE TIME HAS NOT COMING. HAS NOT COME, NO. NOT COME, NO.

HAS NOT COME, NO. NOT COME, NO. IT'S NOT COME YET.

NOT COME, NO. IT'S NOT COME YET. WELL, LISTEN, I'M SORRY.

IT'S NOT COME YET. WELL, LISTEN, I'M SORRY. AS THE HOST, I SHOULD BE TRYING

WELL, LISTEN, I'M SORRY. AS THE HOST, I SHOULD BE TRYING TO MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE, AND

AS THE HOST, I SHOULD BE TRYING TO MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE, AND I'VE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

TO MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE, AND I'VE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'VE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. DON'T MENTION IT.

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. DON'T MENTION IT. AND I THINK THE TIME THAT YOU

DON'T MENTION IT. AND I THINK THE TIME THAT YOU SAVE NOW CAN BE PUT TO MUCH

AND I THINK THE TIME THAT YOU SAVE NOW CAN BE PUT TO MUCH BETTER USE LATER ON IN THE SHOW.

SAVE NOW CAN BE PUT TO MUCH BETTER USE LATER ON IN THE SHOW. WELL, THANK YOU.

BETTER USE LATER ON IN THE SHOW. WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEARING WITH ME AS

WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEARING WITH ME AS LONG AS YOU DID.

THANK YOU FOR BEARING WITH ME AS LONG AS YOU DID. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

LONG AS YOU DID. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE IT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I APPRECIATE IT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. PAUL SIMON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. PAUL SIMON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UH, WOULD YOU HIT THE INTRO TO THAT, UH... [INTRO TO "BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED

THAT, UH... [INTRO TO "BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER" PLAYS]

♪ WHEN YOU'RE WEARY ♪ ♪ FEELING SMALL ♪ ♪ WHEN TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ FEELING SMALL ♪ ♪ WHEN TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES ♪ ♪ I WILL DRY THEM ALL ♪

♪ WHEN TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES ♪ ♪ I WILL DRY THEM ALL ♪ [Off-key] ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ I WILL DRY THEM ALL ♪ [Off-key] ♪ WHOO ♪ [LAUGHTER]

[Off-key] ♪ WHOO ♪ [LAUGHTER] UM...

[LAUGHTER] UM... I'LL TELL YOU... IS THAT THE

UM... I'LL TELL YOU... IS THAT THE RIGHT KEY?

I'LL TELL YOU... IS THAT THE RIGHT KEY? I GUESS IT IS THE RIGHT KEY,

RIGHT KEY? I GUESS IT IS THE RIGHT KEY, TOO, ISN'T IT?

I GUESS IT IS THE RIGHT KEY, TOO, ISN'T IT? UM, COULD I HEAR THAT BACK,

TOO, ISN'T IT? UM, COULD I HEAR THAT BACK, LORNE?

UM, COULD I HEAR THAT BACK, LORNE? COULD I JUST HEAR THAT BACK?

LORNE? COULD I JUST HEAR THAT BACK? I'M...

COULD I JUST HEAR THAT BACK? I'M... ♪ WHEN YOU'RE WEARY ♪

I'M... ♪ WHEN YOU'RE WEARY ♪ ♪ FEELING SMALL ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE WEARY ♪ ♪ FEELING SMALL ♪ ♪ WHEN TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ FEELING SMALL ♪ ♪ WHEN TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES ♪ ♪ I WILL DRY THEM ALL ♪

♪ WHEN TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES ♪ ♪ I WILL DRY THEM ALL ♪ [Off-key] ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ I WILL DRY THEM ALL ♪ [Off-key] ♪ WHOO ♪ OH, ART!

[Off-key] ♪ WHOO ♪ OH, ART! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. LISTEN, ART, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

LISTEN, ART, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE. I WOULD NEVER HAVE...

WERE HERE. I WOULD NEVER HAVE... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WOULD NEVER HAVE... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I... WELL... UH, YOU SEE, I

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I... WELL... UH, YOU SEE, I HAD A FILM CLIP IN THE SHOW, AND

I... WELL... UH, YOU SEE, I HAD A FILM CLIP IN THE SHOW, AND IT WAS CUT WAY DOWN.

HAD A FILM CLIP IN THE SHOW, AND IT WAS CUT WAY DOWN. I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE THIS IF

IT WAS CUT WAY DOWN. I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE THIS IF YOU...

I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE THIS IF YOU... CHUCK, HAND IT OVER.

YOU... CHUCK, HAND IT OVER. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

CHUCK, HAND IT OVER. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY, EVERYONE, YES.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY, EVERYONE, YES. I-I JUST... I'M SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY, EVERYONE, YES. I-I JUST... I'M SORRY. THANKS, CHUCK.

I-I JUST... I'M SORRY. THANKS, CHUCK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GETTING AWFULLY WORRIED, HONEY. IT'S AFTER 10:00, AND STEPHANIE

HONEY. IT'S AFTER 10:00, AND STEPHANIE ISN'T HOME YET.

IT'S AFTER 10:00, AND STEPHANIE ISN'T HOME YET. I DON THINK WE SHOULD HAVE LET

ISN'T HOME YET. I DON THINK WE SHOULD HAVE LET HER GO TRICK-OR-TREATING BY

I DON THINK WE SHOULD HAVE LET HER GO TRICK-OR-TREATING BY HERSELF.

HER GO TRICK-OR-TREATING BY HERSELF. DON'T WORRY.

HERSELF. DON'T WORRY. SHE'LL BE HOME ANY MINUTE.

DON'T WORRY. SHE'LL BE HOME ANY MINUTE. I HOPE SO, DEAR.

SHE'LL BE HOME ANY MINUTE. I HOPE SO, DEAR. [DOORBELL RINGS]

I HOPE SO, DEAR. [DOORBELL RINGS] THAT'S PROBABLY HER RIGHT

[DOORBELL RINGS] THAT'S PROBABLY HER RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S PROBABLY HER RIGHT NOW. [Spanish accent]

NOW. [Spanish accent] TRICK OR TREAT, SEÑOR.

WE ARE, UH... WE ARE SOME LITTLE CHILDREN IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, COMING TO PLAY

LITTLE CHILDREN IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, COMING TO PLAY TRICKS ON YOU FOR YOUR CANDY.

NEIGHBORHOOD, COMING TO PLAY TRICKS ON YOU FOR YOUR CANDY. OH! WELL, WHAT CUTE COSTUMES!

TRICKS ON YOU FOR YOUR CANDY. OH! WELL, WHAT CUTE COSTUMES! HERE'S SOME CANDY.

OH! WELL, WHAT CUTE COSTUMES! HERE'S SOME CANDY. AND WHO HAS THE UNICEF BOX?

HERE'S SOME CANDY. AND WHO HAS THE UNICEF BOX? WE DON'T HAVE NO STINKING

AND WHO HAS THE UNICEF BOX? WE DON'T HAVE NO STINKING UNICEF!

WE DON'T HAVE NO STINKING UNICEF! WE ARE...

UNICEF! WE ARE... THE KILLER BEES!

WE ARE... THE KILLER BEES! [EVIL LAUGHTER]

THE KILLER BEES! [EVIL LAUGHTER] WAIT A SECOND, JOHN.

[EVIL LAUGHTER] WAIT A SECOND, JOHN. UH, WHAT IS THIS?

WAIT A SECOND, JOHN. UH, WHAT IS THIS? ENOUGH TALK!

UH, WHAT IS THIS? ENOUGH TALK! WE WANT YOUR POLLEN!

ENOUGH TALK! WE WANT YOUR POLLEN! OH, DO IT, HONEY!

WE WANT YOUR POLLEN! OH, DO IT, HONEY! DO WHAT THEY SAY!

OH, DO IT, HONEY! DO WHAT THEY SAY! THEY LOOK DANGEROUS!

DO WHAT THEY SAY! THEY LOOK DANGEROUS! WELL, WE DON'T HAVE ANY

THEY LOOK DANGEROUS! WELL, WE DON'T HAVE ANY POLLEN.

WELL, WE DON'T HAVE ANY POLLEN. UH... UH, EXCUSE ME, JOHN.

POLLEN. UH... UH, EXCUSE ME, JOHN. I'M SORRY.

UH... UH, EXCUSE ME, JOHN. I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE THESE OUTFITS YOU HAVE

I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE THESE OUTFITS YOU HAVE ON?

WHAT ARE THESE OUTFITS YOU HAVE ON? GILDA, DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE

ON? GILDA, DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE GONNA BE DRESSED LIKE THIS IN

GILDA, DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE GONNA BE DRESSED LIKE THIS IN THE SCENE?

GONNA BE DRESSED LIKE THIS IN THE SCENE? NO, I'M REALLY THROWN.

THE SCENE? NO, I'M REALLY THROWN. I'M SORRY.

NO, I'M REALLY THROWN. I'M SORRY. ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND

I'M SORRY. ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF ANIMALS?

ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF ANIMALS? WE ARE NOT ANIMALS!

OF ANIMALS? WE ARE NOT ANIMALS! WE ARE THE KILLER BEES!

WE ARE NOT ANIMALS! WE ARE THE KILLER BEES! GIVE US YOUR POLLEN NOW!

WE ARE THE KILLER BEES! GIVE US YOUR POLLEN NOW! [EVIL LAUGHTER]

GIVE US YOUR POLLEN NOW! [EVIL LAUGHTER] HEY, I'M SORRY.

[EVIL LAUGHTER] HEY, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT I DIDN'T EXPECT

HEY, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU IN THESE COSTUMES.

IT'S JUST THAT I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU IN THESE COSTUMES. THEY'RE TERRIFIC, BUT YOU DIDN'T

TO SEE YOU IN THESE COSTUMES. THEY'RE TERRIFIC, BUT YOU DIDN'T WEAR THEM IN REHEARSAL.

THEY'RE TERRIFIC, BUT YOU DIDN'T WEAR THEM IN REHEARSAL. MAYBE YOU WORE THEM IN DRESS,

WEAR THEM IN REHEARSAL. MAYBE YOU WORE THEM IN DRESS, BUT IT JUST SEEMS ALL DIFFERENT

MAYBE YOU WORE THEM IN DRESS, BUT IT JUST SEEMS ALL DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I'VE SEEN.

BUT IT JUST SEEMS ALL DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I'VE SEEN. WHY DO YOU PRETEND THAT YOU

THAN WHAT I'VE SEEN. WHY DO YOU PRETEND THAT YOU HAVE NO POLLEN?!

WHY DO YOU PRETEND THAT YOU HAVE NO POLLEN?! WE ARE NOT FOOLS!

HAVE NO POLLEN?! WE ARE NOT FOOLS! UM, IT'S JUST THESE LITTLE

WE ARE NOT FOOLS! UM, IT'S JUST THESE LITTLE THINGS MOVING AROUND ON YOUR

UM, IT'S JUST THESE LITTLE THINGS MOVING AROUND ON YOUR HEAD.

THINGS MOVING AROUND ON YOUR HEAD. I THINK IT'S VERY DISTRACTING TO

HEAD. I THINK IT'S VERY DISTRACTING TO THE AUDIENCE.

I THINK IT'S VERY DISTRACTING TO THE AUDIENCE. I MEAN, IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE

THE AUDIENCE. I MEAN, IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE AS AN ACTOR THAT WHEN THINGS

I MEAN, IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE AS AN ACTOR THAT WHEN THINGS MOVE ON SOMEBODY'S HEAD, THE

AS AN ACTOR THAT WHEN THINGS MOVE ON SOMEBODY'S HEAD, THE AUDIENCE IS GONNA LOOK AT THEM.

MOVE ON SOMEBODY'S HEAD, THE AUDIENCE IS GONNA LOOK AT THEM. CHUCK, CHUCK, SEE THE MAN

AUDIENCE IS GONNA LOOK AT THEM. CHUCK, CHUCK, SEE THE MAN OVER THERE WITH THE CARDS?

CHUCK, CHUCK, SEE THE MAN OVER THERE WITH THE CARDS? THEY HAVE YOUR LINES ON THEM.

OVER THERE WITH THE CARDS? THEY HAVE YOUR LINES ON THEM. COULD YOU JUST SAY YOUR LINES?

THEY HAVE YOUR LINES ON THEM. COULD YOU JUST SAY YOUR LINES? NO, I KNOW MY LINES.

COULD YOU JUST SAY YOUR LINES? NO, I KNOW MY LINES. UH, WELL... SEE, ACTUALLY, I'M

NO, I KNOW MY LINES. UH, WELL... SEE, ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY A LITTLE THROWN IN THIS

UH, WELL... SEE, ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY A LITTLE THROWN IN THIS SCENE.

REALLY A LITTLE THROWN IN THIS SCENE. I MEAN... I'M SORRY.

SCENE. I MEAN... I'M SORRY. I'VE REALLY KIND OF LOST MY...

I MEAN... I'M SORRY. I'VE REALLY KIND OF LOST MY... I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.

I'VE REALLY KIND OF LOST MY... I'M VERY, VERY SORRY. I'VE JUST LOST MY PLACE

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY. I'VE JUST LOST MY PLACE COMPLETELY AND... LOOK, COULD WE

I'VE JUST LOST MY PLACE COMPLETELY AND... LOOK, COULD WE TAKE IT AGAIN?

COMPLETELY AND... LOOK, COULD WE TAKE IT AGAIN? I JUST... CAN WE TAKE THOSE

TAKE IT AGAIN? I JUST... CAN WE TAKE THOSE LITTLE THINGS OFF YOUR HEADS?

I JUST... CAN WE TAKE THOSE LITTLE THINGS OFF YOUR HEADS? [Normal voice] THERE IS NO

LITTLE THINGS OFF YOUR HEADS? [Normal voice] THERE IS NO "AGAIN," CHUCK.

[Normal voice] THERE IS NO "AGAIN," CHUCK. THERE'S NO AGAIN.

"AGAIN," CHUCK. THERE'S NO AGAIN. THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION.

THERE'S NO AGAIN. THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION. IT'S NOT THE MOVIES.

THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION. IT'S NOT THE MOVIES. WELL, I REALIZE WE'RE DOING

IT'S NOT THE MOVIES. WELL, I REALIZE WE'RE DOING IT LIVE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THERE'S

WELL, I REALIZE WE'RE DOING IT LIVE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THERE'S GOOD LIVE AND THERE'S BAD LIVE,

IT LIVE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THERE'S GOOD LIVE AND THERE'S BAD LIVE, AND MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY TO DO

GOOD LIVE AND THERE'S BAD LIVE, AND MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY TO DO SOME GOOD LIVE.

AND MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY TO DO SOME GOOD LIVE. UNBELIEVABLE.

SOME GOOD LIVE. UNBELIEVABLE. MAYBE I DON'T FULLY

UNBELIEVABLE. MAYBE I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND THE BEES.

MAYBE I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND THE BEES. I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU?

UNDERSTAND THE BEES. I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU PLAYING CHILDREN DRESSED

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU PLAYING CHILDREN DRESSED UP AS BEES, OR ARE YOU BEES

ARE YOU PLAYING CHILDREN DRESSED UP AS BEES, OR ARE YOU BEES PLAYING CHILDREN WHO ARE DRESSED

UP AS BEES, OR ARE YOU BEES PLAYING CHILDREN WHO ARE DRESSED UP FOR HALLOWEEN?

PLAYING CHILDREN WHO ARE DRESSED UP FOR HALLOWEEN? AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT

UP FOR HALLOWEEN? AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE REAL BEES?

AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE REAL BEES? I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW

YOU'RE REAL BEES? I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW RELATE TO THE WHOLE BEE THING.

I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW RELATE TO THE WHOLE BEE THING. I MEAN, IT'S CUTE.

RELATE TO THE WHOLE BEE THING. I MEAN, IT'S CUTE. IT'S REALLY CUTE, BUT IT'S,

I MEAN, IT'S CUTE. IT'S REALLY CUTE, BUT IT'S, UH...

IT'S REALLY CUTE, BUT IT'S, UH... WELL, UH, I THINK WE'RE REAL

UH... WELL, UH, I THINK WE'RE REAL BEES.

WELL, UH, I THINK WE'RE REAL BEES. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE REAL BEES.

BEES. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE REAL BEES. NO, I THINK THAT WE'RE NOT

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE REAL BEES. NO, I THINK THAT WE'RE NOT REAL BEES.

NO, I THINK THAT WE'RE NOT REAL BEES. WE HAVE A LOT OF THE

REAL BEES. WE HAVE A LOT OF THE CHARACTERISTICS OF BEES, BUT

WE HAVE A LOT OF THE CHARACTERISTICS OF BEES, BUT THEN WE'RE LIKE PEOPLE, TOO.

CHARACTERISTICS OF BEES, BUT THEN WE'RE LIKE PEOPLE, TOO. I DISAGREE.

THEN WE'RE LIKE PEOPLE, TOO. I DISAGREE. I THINK IT'S AN ETYMOLOGICAL

I DISAGREE. I THINK IT'S AN ETYMOLOGICAL MASQUERADE.

I THINK IT'S AN ETYMOLOGICAL MASQUERADE. WE'RE ACTUALLY BIOLOGICALLY,

MASQUERADE. WE'RE ACTUALLY BIOLOGICALLY, ANIMALOGICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE

WE'RE ACTUALLY BIOLOGICALLY, ANIMALOGICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE BEES.

ANIMALOGICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE BEES. YEAH.

BEES. YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE DOING A SCENE HERE!

ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE DOING A SCENE HERE! AT LEAST WE WERE, UNTIL HE

WE'RE DOING A SCENE HERE! AT LEAST WE WERE, UNTIL HE RUINED IT!

AT LEAST WE WERE, UNTIL HE RUINED IT! WELL, LOOK, IF SOMEONE HAD

RUINED IT! WELL, LOOK, IF SOMEONE HAD ONLY MENTIONED THAT YOU WERE

WELL, LOOK, IF SOMEONE HAD ONLY MENTIONED THAT YOU WERE GONNA COME IN AS INSECTS.

ONLY MENTIONED THAT YOU WERE GONNA COME IN AS INSECTS. YOU SEE, I WASN'T TOLD.

GONNA COME IN AS INSECTS. YOU SEE, I WASN'T TOLD. IN THE MOVIES, WE'RE TOLD

YOU SEE, I WASN'T TOLD. IN THE MOVIES, WE'RE TOLD EVERYTHING.

IN THE MOVIES, WE'RE TOLD EVERYTHING. THERE ARE JUST NOT THESE KIND OF

EVERYTHING. THERE ARE JUST NOT THESE KIND OF SURPRISES.

THERE ARE JUST NOT THESE KIND OF SURPRISES. WE WORE THESE IN THE DRESS

SURPRISES. WE WORE THESE IN THE DRESS REHEARSAL, CHUCK.

WE WORE THESE IN THE DRESS REHEARSAL, CHUCK. OH, WELL, I'M VERY SORRY I

REHEARSAL, CHUCK. OH, WELL, I'M VERY SORRY I MISSED THE DRESS REHEARSAL.

OH, WELL, I'M VERY SORRY I MISSED THE DRESS REHEARSAL. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

MISSED THE DRESS REHEARSAL. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU'RE THE ONLY HOST WHO'S EVER

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU'RE THE ONLY HOST WHO'S EVER MISSED A DRESS REHEARSAL.

YOU'RE THE ONLY HOST WHO'S EVER MISSED A DRESS REHEARSAL. WE HAD THESE ON!

MISSED A DRESS REHEARSAL. WE HAD THESE ON! WELL, I WAS OUT SHOPPING FOR

WE HAD THESE ON! WELL, I WAS OUT SHOPPING FOR THE GIFTS.

WELL, I WAS OUT SHOPPING FOR THE GIFTS. UH, THE STORES WERE CLOSING.

THE GIFTS. UH, THE STORES WERE CLOSING. IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT WITH

UH, THE STORES WERE CLOSING. IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT WITH THE DRESS REHEARSAL.

IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT WITH THE DRESS REHEARSAL. MAYBE IF I HAD SEEN THESE COS...

THE DRESS REHEARSAL. MAYBE IF I HAD SEEN THESE COS... I'M SURE THINGS CAN STILL WORK.

MAYBE IF I HAD SEEN THESE COS... I'M SURE THINGS CAN STILL WORK. LOOK, OKAY, LET'S TAKE IT FROM

I'M SURE THINGS CAN STILL WORK. LOOK, OKAY, LET'S TAKE IT FROM HERE.

LOOK, OKAY, LET'S TAKE IT FROM HERE. WAIT A SECOND.

HERE. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND. BILL, PLEASE.

WAIT A SECOND. BILL, PLEASE. OKAY, LOOK, HERE'S SOME POLLEN.

BILL, PLEASE. OKAY, LOOK, HERE'S SOME POLLEN. BEES.

OKAY, LOOK, HERE'S SOME POLLEN. BEES. BEES, LOOK, I HAVE SOME POLLEN

BEES. BEES, LOOK, I HAVE SOME POLLEN FOR YOU.

BEES, LOOK, I HAVE SOME POLLEN FOR YOU. JOHN. JOHN, TAKE THE POLLEN!

FOR YOU. JOHN. JOHN, TAKE THE POLLEN! HE'S THE HOST!

JOHN. JOHN, TAKE THE POLLEN! HE'S THE HOST! [Spanish accent] OKAY.

HE'S THE HOST! [Spanish accent] OKAY. HERE'S THE POLLEN.

[Spanish accent] OKAY. HERE'S THE POLLEN. HEY, LOOK, CARLOS.

HERE'S THE POLLEN. HEY, LOOK, CARLOS. HEY, SEÑOR.

HEY, LOOK, CARLOS. HEY, SEÑOR. OH, WHAT DELICIOUS POLLEN!

HEY, SEÑOR. OH, WHAT DELICIOUS POLLEN! [EVIL LAUGHTER]

OH, WHAT DELICIOUS POLLEN! [EVIL LAUGHTER] POLLEN.

[EVIL LAUGHTER] POLLEN. [SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS]

POLLEN. [SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS] SEÑOR...

[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS] SEÑOR... [BEES VOCALIZING]

SEÑOR... [BEES VOCALIZING] YOU SAVED MY VILLAGE.

[BEES VOCALIZING] YOU SAVED MY VILLAGE. THERE IS NO POLLEN TO POUR IN

YOU SAVED MY VILLAGE. THERE IS NO POLLEN TO POUR IN THE MOUTHS OF OUR CHILDREN.

THERE IS NO POLLEN TO POUR IN THE MOUTHS OF OUR CHILDREN. OUR CHILDREN WERE DYING.

THE MOUTHS OF OUR CHILDREN. OUR CHILDREN WERE DYING. OUR WOMEN COULD HARDLY FLY.

OUR CHILDREN WERE DYING. OUR WOMEN COULD HARDLY FLY. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!

OUR WOMEN COULD HARDLY FLY. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! [Normal voice] FORGET IT!

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! [Normal voice] FORGET IT! WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. STOP.

[Normal voice] FORGET IT! WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. STOP. STOP.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. STOP. STOP. SORRY. I'M SORRY.

STOP. SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW?

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, IT'S A JOKE.

I CAN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, IT'S A JOKE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, IT'S A JOKE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, I'M AN ACTOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, I'M AN ACTOR. I WORK HARD AT MY CRAFT, YOU

I MEAN, I'M AN ACTOR. I WORK HARD AT MY CRAFT, YOU KNOW?

I WORK HARD AT MY CRAFT, YOU KNOW? I'M HERE EVERY WEEK, YOU KNOW?

KNOW? I'M HERE EVERY WEEK, YOU KNOW? I AM A PRO!

I'M HERE EVERY WEEK, YOU KNOW? I AM A PRO! I AM A PROFESSIONAL!

I AM A PRO! I AM A PROFESSIONAL! JOHN BELUSHI IS A PROFESSIONAL,

I AM A PROFESSIONAL! JOHN BELUSHI IS A PROFESSIONAL, IF NOTHING ELSE.

JOHN BELUSHI IS A PROFESSIONAL, IF NOTHING ELSE. HE DOES HIS JOB.

IF NOTHING ELSE. HE DOES HIS JOB. HE DOESN'T LIKE THE BEES, BUT HE

HE DOES HIS JOB. HE DOESN'T LIKE THE BEES, BUT HE DOES THEM ANYWAY!

HE DOESN'T LIKE THE BEES, BUT HE DOES THEM ANYWAY! HE DOES THE BEST HE CAN!

DOES THEM ANYWAY! HE DOES THE BEST HE CAN! YOU KNOW?

HE DOES THE BEST HE CAN! YOU KNOW? HE DOES THE BEST HE CAN!

YOU KNOW? HE DOES THE BEST HE CAN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE DOES THE BEST HE CAN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] GOD, LOOK AT THIS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] GOD, LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT IT! LOOK!

GOD, LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT IT! LOOK! BUT YOU... YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE.

LOOK AT IT! LOOK! BUT YOU... YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. I MEAN, Y-Y-Y-YOU RUINED THE

BUT YOU... YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. I MEAN, Y-Y-Y-YOU RUINED THE OPENING MONOLOGUE.

I MEAN, Y-Y-Y-YOU RUINED THE OPENING MONOLOGUE. YOU RUINED MY SAMURAI!

OPENING MONOLOGUE. YOU RUINED MY SAMURAI! OKAY?

YOU RUINED MY SAMURAI! OKAY? AND NOW YOU'RE RUINING THIS

OKAY? AND NOW YOU'RE RUINING THIS SCENE.

AND NOW YOU'RE RUINING THIS SCENE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE

SCENE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE ON THE SHOW.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE ON THE SHOW. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

ON THE SHOW. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. LOOK, I'M SORRY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA. LOOK, I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE MORE

I'M REALLY SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE MORE THIS WEEK.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE MORE THIS WEEK. I REALIZE THAT.

THIS WEEK. I REALIZE THAT. IT'S JUST THAT... IT WAS EITHER

I REALIZE THAT. IT'S JUST THAT... IT WAS EITHER MISS THE DRESS REHEARSAL OR NOT

IT'S JUST THAT... IT WAS EITHER MISS THE DRESS REHEARSAL OR NOT GET THE GIFTS.

MISS THE DRESS REHEARSAL OR NOT GET THE GIFTS. IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT.

GET THE GIFTS. IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT. HEY, THIS IS NO GAME, CHUCK.

IT WAS A DIRECT CONFLICT. HEY, THIS IS NO GAME, CHUCK. THIS IS NOT A GAME.

HEY, THIS IS NO GAME, CHUCK. THIS IS NOT A GAME. I MEAN, YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW...

THIS IS NOT A GAME. I MEAN, YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THIS IS MY

I MEAN, YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THIS IS MY ART!

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THIS IS MY ART! THIS IS ART TO ME, YOU KNOW?

ART! THIS IS ART TO ME, YOU KNOW? AND "SATURDAY NIGHT" IS IT FOR

THIS IS ART TO ME, YOU KNOW? AND "SATURDAY NIGHT" IS IT FOR ME.

AND "SATURDAY NIGHT" IS IT FOR ME. THIS IS IT, YOU KNOW?

ME. THIS IS IT, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

THIS IS IT, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME. AND I THINK... I THINK THAT I...

I MEAN, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME. AND I THINK... I THINK THAT I... I CAN SPEAK FOR EVERYONE HERE

AND I THINK... I THINK THAT I... I CAN SPEAK FOR EVERYONE HERE AND EVERYONE IN THIS CAST WHEN I

I CAN SPEAK FOR EVERYONE HERE AND EVERYONE IN THIS CAST WHEN I SAY... WHEN I SAY TO YOU...

AND EVERYONE IN THIS CAST WHEN I SAY... WHEN I SAY TO YOU... [GUN COCKS]

SAY... WHEN I SAY TO YOU... [GUN COCKS] YOU ARE THE LAMEST HOST WE'VE

[GUN COCKS] YOU ARE THE LAMEST HOST WE'VE EVER HAD.

YOU ARE THE LAMEST HOST WE'VE EVER HAD. YEAH!

EVER HAD. YEAH! YEAH!

YEAH! YEAH! GET OUT!

YEAH! GET OUT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GET OUT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] GET OUT OF HERE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE!

GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE NOT A HOST.

GET OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE NOT A HOST. YOU'RE A PARASITE.

WHAT A POWERFUL PRESENCE HE HAS. NO, WHAT A GUY!

HAS. NO, WHAT A GUY! CHUCK, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR

NO, WHAT A GUY! CHUCK, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

CHUCK, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? YOU KNOW, IN THE RIGHT SKIT,

A SECOND? YOU KNOW, IN THE RIGHT SKIT, THOSE COSTUMES WOULD HAVE BEEN

YOU KNOW, IN THE RIGHT SKIT, THOSE COSTUMES WOULD HAVE BEEN SENSATIONAL.

THOSE COSTUMES WOULD HAVE BEEN SENSATIONAL. LOOK, LOOK, CHUCK, SOMEONE

SENSATIONAL. LOOK, LOOK, CHUCK, SOMEONE HAS GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.

LOOK, LOOK, CHUCK, SOMEONE HAS GOT TO TELL YOU THIS. YES.

HAS GOT TO TELL YOU THIS. YES. YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE CONTROL

YES. YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE CONTROL IF YOU ARE GOING TO HOST THE

YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE CONTROL IF YOU ARE GOING TO HOST THE SHOW.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HOST THE SHOW. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GILDA?

SHOW. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GILDA? I AM HOSTING THE SHOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GILDA? I AM HOSTING THE SHOW. YOU TALK LIKE IT'S IN THE FU...

I AM HOSTING THE SHOW. YOU TALK LIKE IT'S IN THE FU... WE'RE ON THE AIR NOW.

YOU TALK LIKE IT'S IN THE FU... WE'RE ON THE AIR NOW. THIS IS LIVE.

WE'RE ON THE AIR NOW. THIS IS LIVE. YES, I KNOW. I KNOW.

THIS IS LIVE. YES, I KNOW. I KNOW. BUT LOOK... YOU HAVE JUST GOT TO

YES, I KNOW. I KNOW. BUT LOOK... YOU HAVE JUST GOT TO TAKE CONTROL, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE

BUT LOOK... YOU HAVE JUST GOT TO TAKE CONTROL, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE CUT COMPLETELY OUT OF THE SHOW!

TAKE CONTROL, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE CUT COMPLETELY OUT OF THE SHOW! I COULD BE CUT?

CUT COMPLETELY OUT OF THE SHOW! I COULD BE CUT? YEAH.

I COULD BE CUT? YEAH. I'M THE HOST.

YEAH. I'M THE HOST. YEAH.

I'M THE HOST. YEAH. I THOUGHT IT WAS... I THOUGHT

YEAH. I THOUGHT IT WAS... I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING FAIRLY WELL.

I THOUGHT IT WAS... I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING FAIRLY WELL. I GOT A QUICK CHANGE.

IT WAS GOING FAIRLY WELL. I GOT A QUICK CHANGE. YEAH. NO...

I GOT A QUICK CHANGE. YEAH. NO... LORNE?

YEAH. NO... LORNE? LORNE, THIS ISN'T GOING TO

LORNE? LORNE, THIS ISN'T GOING TO AFFECT MY SONG, IS IT?

LORNE, THIS ISN'T GOING TO AFFECT MY SONG, IS IT? I MEAN, THE BEE THING RAN A

AFFECT MY SONG, IS IT? I MEAN, THE BEE THING RAN A LITTLE LONG.

I MEAN, THE BEE THING RAN A LITTLE LONG. IT'S NOT GOING TO EAT INTO THE

LITTLE LONG. IT'S NOT GOING TO EAT INTO THE TIME FOR MY SONG, LORNE, IS IT?

IT'S NOT GOING TO EAT INTO THE TIME FOR MY SONG, LORNE, IS IT? CHUCK, I'M AFRAID IT DOES.

TIME FOR MY SONG, LORNE, IS IT? CHUCK, I'M AFRAID IT DOES. IT REALLY LOOKS NOW LIKE THE

CHUCK, I'M AFRAID IT DOES. IT REALLY LOOKS NOW LIKE THE SONG IS CUT.

IT REALLY LOOKS NOW LIKE THE SONG IS CUT. LORNE!

SONG IS CUT. LORNE! LORNE, THIS IS MY OWN

LORNE! LORNE, THIS IS MY OWN COMPOSITION.

LORNE, THIS IS MY OWN COMPOSITION. IT TELLS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE.

COMPOSITION. IT TELLS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE. I'M VERY, VERY SORRY, CHUCK.

IT TELLS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE. I'M VERY, VERY SORRY, CHUCK. GEE, I...

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY, CHUCK. GEE, I... WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?

GEE, I... WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? COULD YOU JUST SAY THAT WE'LL

WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? COULD YOU JUST SAY THAT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK?

COULD YOU JUST SAY THAT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK? WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING] OKAY, BUT AS SOON AS YOUR BRIDGE GAME'S OVER, I'M COMING

OKAY, BUT AS SOON AS YOUR BRIDGE GAME'S OVER, I'M COMING DOWNSTAIRS!

BRIDGE GAME'S OVER, I'M COMING DOWNSTAIRS! [DOOR SLAMS]

DOWNSTAIRS! [DOOR SLAMS] I DIDN'T MEAN TO SLAM IT!

[DOOR SLAMS] I DIDN'T MEAN TO SLAM IT! [DOOR SLAMS]

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SLAM IT! [DOOR SLAMS] I AM SO BORED!

[DOOR SLAMS] I AM SO BORED! BECAUSE...

I AM SO BORED! BECAUSE... MY...

BECAUSE... MY... ROOM...

MY... ROOM... IS...

ROOM... IS... THE BORING ROOM OF THE...

IS... THE BORING ROOM OF THE... WORLD!

THE BORING ROOM OF THE... WORLD! THIS IS MY ROOM.

WORLD! THIS IS MY ROOM. AND THIS IS MY HOUSE.

THIS IS MY ROOM. AND THIS IS MY HOUSE. AND THIS IS MY LAWN.

AND THIS IS MY HOUSE. AND THIS IS MY LAWN. AND THIS IS MY LAWN ON MY

AND THIS IS MY LAWN. AND THIS IS MY LAWN ON MY STREET.

AND THIS IS MY LAWN ON MY STREET. AND THIS IS MY STREET.

STREET. AND THIS IS MY STREET. AND THIS IS MY TOWN.

AND THIS IS MY STREET. AND THIS IS MY TOWN. AND THIS IS MY COUNTRY.

AND THIS IS MY TOWN. AND THIS IS MY COUNTRY. AND THIS IS MY PLANET EARTH.

AND THIS IS MY COUNTRY. AND THIS IS MY PLANET EARTH. AND THIS IS MY UNIVERSE.

AND THIS IS MY PLANET EARTH. AND THIS IS MY UNIVERSE. AND THIS IS MY... I DON'T KNOW.

AND THIS IS MY UNIVERSE. AND THIS IS MY... I DON'T KNOW. ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

AND THIS IS MY... I DON'T KNOW. ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR...

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR... "THE JUDY MILLER SHOW!"

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR... "THE JUDY MILLER SHOW!" ♪ OH, ITS THE SHOW OF THE DAY ♪

"THE JUDY MILLER SHOW!" ♪ OH, ITS THE SHOW OF THE DAY ♪ ♪ IT'S THE SHOW OF THE WAY ♪

♪ OH, ITS THE SHOW OF THE DAY ♪ ♪ IT'S THE SHOW OF THE WAY ♪ ♪ AND I AM IN IT ♪

♪ IT'S THE SHOW OF THE WAY ♪ ♪ AND I AM IN IT ♪ ♪ YES, I AM ♪

♪ AND I AM IN IT ♪ ♪ YES, I AM ♪ ♪ AND IT'S THE SHOW OF YOUR

♪ YES, I AM ♪ ♪ AND IT'S THE SHOW OF YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ AND IT'S THE SHOW OF YOUR LIFE ♪ ♪ IT'S "THE JUDY MILLER SHOW" ♪

LIFE ♪ ♪ IT'S "THE JUDY MILLER SHOW" ♪ AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FAMOUS

♪ IT'S "THE JUDY MILLER SHOW" ♪ AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FAMOUS STAR OF THE SHOW, THE PERSON...

AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FAMOUS STAR OF THE SHOW, THE PERSON... [SINGS FANFARE]

STAR OF THE SHOW, THE PERSON... [SINGS FANFARE] THE PERSON WHO IS ALSO A BRIDE,

[SINGS FANFARE] THE PERSON WHO IS ALSO A BRIDE, NAMED JUDY ARLEEN MILLER!

THE PERSON WHO IS ALSO A BRIDE, NAMED JUDY ARLEEN MILLER! HELLO!

NAMED JUDY ARLEEN MILLER! HELLO! I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON

HELLO! I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WHOLE, WIDE WORLD!

I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WHOLE, WIDE WORLD! YES, I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

IN THE WHOLE, WIDE WORLD! YES, I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE THAT ESPECIALLY EVERYBODY

YES, I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE THAT ESPECIALLY EVERYBODY LOVES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

BRIDE THAT ESPECIALLY EVERYBODY LOVES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! AND HERE COMES MY HUSBAND.

LOVES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! AND HERE COMES MY HUSBAND. ♪ LA LA ♪

AND HERE COMES MY HUSBAND. ♪ LA LA ♪ ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ LA LA ♪ ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ [Deep voice] WOULD YOU MARRY

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ [Deep voice] WOULD YOU MARRY ME?

[Deep voice] WOULD YOU MARRY ME? [GIGGLES]

ME? [GIGGLES] [Normal voice] YES.

[GIGGLES] [Normal voice] YES. [Deep voice] OH, DARLING!

[Normal voice] YES. [Deep voice] OH, DARLING! AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

[Deep voice] OH, DARLING! AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR!

AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR! THIS IS THE FOOD THAT IS REALLY

THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR! THIS IS THE FOOD THAT IS REALLY THE GOOD FOOD THAT IS REALLY

THIS IS THE FOOD THAT IS REALLY THE GOOD FOOD THAT IS REALLY DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS AND

THE GOOD FOOD THAT IS REALLY DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS AND THAT IS SO SMOOTH AND CREAMY.

DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS AND THAT IS SO SMOOTH AND CREAMY. MMM, GOOD!

THAT IS SO SMOOTH AND CREAMY. MMM, GOOD! HERE'S THE THING THAT IS SO

MMM, GOOD! HERE'S THE THING THAT IS SO SMOOTH AND CREAMY THAT EVERYBODY

HERE'S THE THING THAT IS SO SMOOTH AND CREAMY THAT EVERYBODY LOVES.

SMOOTH AND CREAMY THAT EVERYBODY LOVES. SO, YOU SHOULD GET IT!

LOVES. SO, YOU SHOULD GET IT! AND NOW BACK TO THE SHOW!

SO, YOU SHOULD GET IT! AND NOW BACK TO THE SHOW! THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON

AND NOW BACK TO THE SHOW! THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON WHO IS JUMPING UP SO HIGH THAT

THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON WHO IS JUMPING UP SO HIGH THAT SHE CAN'T SEE TILL SHE TOUCHED

WHO IS JUMPING UP SO HIGH THAT SHE CAN'T SEE TILL SHE TOUCHED THE SKY!

SHE CAN'T SEE TILL SHE TOUCHED THE SKY! AND NOW PRESENTING...

THE SKY! AND NOW PRESENTING... [SINGS FANFARE]

AND NOW PRESENTING... [SINGS FANFARE] PRESENTING THE VERY, VERY

[SINGS FANFARE] PRESENTING THE VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF FRANCE.

PRESENTING THE VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF FRANCE. [IMITATING SPEAKING FRENCH]

BUT WHAT... WHAT THAT QUEEN DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT WHO'S COMING IS THE VERY WICKED QUEEN

DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT WHO'S COMING IS THE VERY WICKED QUEEN OF GERMANY,

COMING IS THE VERY WICKED QUEEN OF GERMANY, QUEEN DOFALUPCHINVOKINVUCKSKIN.

OF GERMANY, QUEEN DOFALUPCHINVOKINVUCKSKIN. AND HERE SHE COMES!

QUEEN DOFALUPCHINVOKINVUCKSKIN. AND HERE SHE COMES! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU RIGHT

AND HERE SHE COMES! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW!

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! OH, NO, NO, NO!

NOW! OH, NO, NO, NO! YOU CANNOT KILL ME! OH, NO!

OH, NO, NO, NO! YOU CANNOT KILL ME! OH, NO! AAH!

YOU CANNOT KILL ME! OH, NO! AAH! I'LL HAVE TO RUN TO ENGLAND!

AAH! I'LL HAVE TO RUN TO ENGLAND! NO!

I'LL HAVE TO RUN TO ENGLAND! NO! I WILL HAVE TO RUN TO FRANCE!

NO! I WILL HAVE TO RUN TO FRANCE! NO!

I WILL HAVE TO RUN TO FRANCE! NO! I WILL HAVE TO RUN TO BOLIVIA!

NO! I WILL HAVE TO RUN TO BOLIVIA! NO! AUSTRALIA!

I WILL HAVE TO RUN TO BOLIVIA! NO! AUSTRALIA! SHE KILLED HER!

NO! AUSTRALIA! SHE KILLED HER! YAY! YAY, SHE DID!

SHE KILLED HER! YAY! YAY, SHE DID! YAY, SHE DID!

YAY! YAY, SHE DID! YAY, SHE DID! JUDY!

YAY, SHE DID! JUDY! WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?

JUDY! WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING!

WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING! THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON

NOTHING! THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON WHO IS ALSO A WONDERFUL,

THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON WHO IS ALSO A WONDERFUL, BUNDERFUL BALLET DANCER!

WHO IS ALSO A WONDERFUL, BUNDERFUL BALLET DANCER! YES, SHE IS A BALLET DANCER!

BUNDERFUL BALLET DANCER! YES, SHE IS A BALLET DANCER! ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

YES, SHE IS A BALLET DANCER! ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ JUDY, BE QUIET!

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ JUDY, BE QUIET! ON "THE JUDY MILLER SHOW."

JUDY, BE QUIET! ON "THE JUDY MILLER SHOW." THE END!

ARE YOU STUCK IN A GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB? HM!

GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB? HM! WELL, IF SO, THIS IS YOUR

HM! WELL, IF SO, THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO START AN EXCITING

WELL, IF SO, THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO START AN EXCITING NEW CAREER IN THE WORLD OF

OPPORTUNITY TO START AN EXCITING NEW CAREER IN THE WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL BY

NEW CAREER IN THE WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL BY ENROLLING NOW IN THE

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL BY ENROLLING NOW IN THE PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL OF FOOTBALL.

ENROLLING NOW IN THE PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL OF FOOTBALL. PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS

PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL OF FOOTBALL. PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS MAKE BIG MONEY.

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS MAKE BIG MONEY. THEY SIGN LUCRATIVE CONTRACTS

MAKE BIG MONEY. THEY SIGN LUCRATIVE CONTRACTS FOR ENDORSING PRODUCTS ON

THEY SIGN LUCRATIVE CONTRACTS FOR ENDORSING PRODUCTS ON TELEVISION, THEY ARE FAMOUS, AND

FOR ENDORSING PRODUCTS ON TELEVISION, THEY ARE FAMOUS, AND THEY GET TO GO OUT WITH

TELEVISION, THEY ARE FAMOUS, AND THEY GET TO GO OUT WITH BEAUTIFUL MOVIE STARS AND

THEY GET TO GO OUT WITH BEAUTIFUL MOVIE STARS AND STEWARDESSES.

BEAUTIFUL MOVIE STARS AND STEWARDESSES. MM-HMM.

STEWARDESSES. MM-HMM. OH, AND THEY EAT BIG STEAKS,

MM-HMM. OH, AND THEY EAT BIG STEAKS, MAN.

OH, AND THEY EAT BIG STEAKS, MAN. NOW, WE'RE NOT SAYING THAT

MAN. NOW, WE'RE NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE CAN BE A PRO-FOOTBALL

NOW, WE'RE NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE CAN BE A PRO-FOOTBALL PLAYER.

ANYONE CAN BE A PRO-FOOTBALL PLAYER. YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THE NATURAL

PLAYER. YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THE NATURAL TALENT.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THE NATURAL TALENT. AND YOU CAN TAKE THIS EASY TEST

TALENT. AND YOU CAN TAKE THIS EASY TEST TO SEE IF YOU HAVE AN EXCITING

AND YOU CAN TAKE THIS EASY TEST TO SEE IF YOU HAVE AN EXCITING CAREER AWAITING YOU IN

TO SEE IF YOU HAVE AN EXCITING CAREER AWAITING YOU IN PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL.

CAREER AWAITING YOU IN PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL. NOW, HERE'S TWO SAMPLE QUESTIONS

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL. NOW, HERE'S TWO SAMPLE QUESTIONS HERE.

NOW, HERE'S TWO SAMPLE QUESTIONS HERE. NOW, COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY

PEOPLE SAY "C," BUT IF YOU SAID

"A," THE TOUGH GET GOING, THEN

YOU HAVE THE MENTALITY IT TAKES

TO BE A PRO-FOOTBALL PLAYER.

NOW TRY THIS QUESTION.

YOU ARE THE QUARTERBACK.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY

PEOPLE SAY "C," BUT IF YOU SAID

"A," "PASS," THEN YOU HAVE WHAT

WE CALL FOOTBALL SAVVY.

WHEN YOU ENROLL AT THE PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL OF FOOTBALL, YOU WILL LEARN EVERY ASPECT OF

PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL OF FOOTBALL, YOU WILL LEARN EVERY ASPECT OF THE GAME, SUCH AS OFFENSE AND

YOU WILL LEARN EVERY ASPECT OF THE GAME, SUCH AS OFFENSE AND DEFENSE AND HOW TO KEEP SCORE,

THE GAME, SUCH AS OFFENSE AND DEFENSE AND HOW TO KEEP SCORE, AND ALL BY MAIL!

YOU WILL LEARN WORDS LIKE...

SO, SEND FOR YOUR FREE TEST

BOOKLET TO...

SEE YOU AT...

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, PAUL SIMON!

GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, PAUL SIMON! [INTRO TO "YOU'RE KIND" PLAYS]

♪ YOU'RE KIND ♪ ♪ SO KIND ♪ ♪ YOU RESCUED ME WHEN I WAS

♪ SO KIND ♪ ♪ YOU RESCUED ME WHEN I WAS BLIND ♪

♪ YOU RESCUED ME WHEN I WAS BLIND ♪ ♪ AND YOU PUT ME ON YOUR PILLOW

BLIND ♪ ♪ AND YOU PUT ME ON YOUR PILLOW WHEN I WAS ON YOUR WALL ♪

♪ AND YOU PUT ME ON YOUR PILLOW WHEN I WAS ON YOUR WALL ♪ ♪ YOU'RE KIND ♪

WHEN I WAS ON YOUR WALL ♪ ♪ YOU'RE KIND ♪ ♪ SO KIND, SO KIND ♪

♪ YOU'RE KIND ♪ ♪ SO KIND, SO KIND ♪ ♪ AND YOU'RE GOOD ♪

♪ SO KIND, SO KIND ♪ ♪ AND YOU'RE GOOD ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SO GOOD ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE GOOD ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SO GOOD ♪ ♪ YOU INTRODUCED ME TO YOUR

♪ YOU'RE SO GOOD ♪ ♪ YOU INTRODUCED ME TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD ♪

♪ YOU INTRODUCED ME TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD ♪ ♪ IT SEEM LIKE I AIN'T NEVER

NEIGHBORHOOD ♪ ♪ IT SEEM LIKE I AIN'T NEVER HAD SO MANY FRIENDS BEFORE ♪

♪ IT SEEM LIKE I AIN'T NEVER HAD SO MANY FRIENDS BEFORE ♪ ♪ THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD ♪

HAD SO MANY FRIENDS BEFORE ♪ ♪ THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SO GOOD ♪

♪ THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SO GOOD ♪ ♪ WHY YOU DON'T TREAT ME LIKE

♪ YOU'RE SO GOOD ♪ ♪ WHY YOU DON'T TREAT ME LIKE THE OTHER HUMANS DO IS JUST A

♪ WHY YOU DON'T TREAT ME LIKE THE OTHER HUMANS DO IS JUST A MYSTERY TO ME ♪

THE OTHER HUMANS DO IS JUST A MYSTERY TO ME ♪ ♪ IT GETS ME AGITATED WHEN I

MYSTERY TO ME ♪ ♪ IT GETS ME AGITATED WHEN I THINK THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME

♪ IT GETS ME AGITATED WHEN I THINK THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME NOW INDEFINITELY ♪

THINK THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME NOW INDEFINITELY ♪ ♪ SO, GOODBYE ♪

NOW INDEFINITELY ♪ ♪ SO, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE ♪

♪ SO, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪

♪ GOODBYE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪ ♪ AND HERE'S THE REASON WHY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪ ♪ AND HERE'S THE REASON WHY ♪ ♪ I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THE

♪ AND HERE'S THE REASON WHY ♪ ♪ I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THE WINDOW OPEN ♪

♪ I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THE WINDOW OPEN ♪ ♪ AND YOU KEEP THE WINDOW

WINDOW OPEN ♪ ♪ AND YOU KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED ♪

♪ AND YOU KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED ♪ ♪ SO, GOODBYE, GOODBYE,

CLOSED ♪ ♪ SO, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪

♪ SO, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ LORD, LORD, LORD ♪

GOODBYE ♪ ♪ LORD, LORD, LORD ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ SO, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪

♪ GOODBYE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪ ♪ AND HERE'S THE REASON WHY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪ ♪ AND HERE'S THE REASON WHY ♪ ♪ I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THE

♪ AND HERE'S THE REASON WHY ♪ ♪ I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THE WINDOW OPEN ♪

♪ I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THE WINDOW OPEN ♪ ♪ YOU KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED ♪

WINDOW OPEN ♪ ♪ YOU KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED ♪ ♪ SO, GOODBYE, GOODBYE,

♪ YOU KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED ♪ ♪ SO, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪

♪ SO, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪

GOODBYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪

♪ GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ WHOO ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M HERE TO SPEAK TO YOU TONIGHT ON BEHALF OF A DISCRIMINATED PEOPLE WHO YOU

TONIGHT ON BEHALF OF A DISCRIMINATED PEOPLE WHO YOU DEAL WITH DAILY BUT WHO YOU

DISCRIMINATED PEOPLE WHO YOU DEAL WITH DAILY BUT WHO YOU DON'T HEAR MUCH ABOUT.

DEAL WITH DAILY BUT WHO YOU DON'T HEAR MUCH ABOUT. I AM SPEAKING, OF COURSE, OF THE

DON'T HEAR MUCH ABOUT. I AM SPEAKING, OF COURSE, OF THE INCOMPETENT.

I AM SPEAKING, OF COURSE, OF THE INCOMPETENT. EVERY YEAR, THOUSANDS AND

INCOMPETENT. EVERY YEAR, THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PERFECTLY NICE,

EVERY YEAR, THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PERFECTLY NICE, INCOMPETENT PEOPLE ARE FIRED

THOUSANDS OF PERFECTLY NICE, INCOMPETENT PEOPLE ARE FIRED FROM THEIR JOBS MERELY BECAUSE

INCOMPETENT PEOPLE ARE FIRED FROM THEIR JOBS MERELY BECAUSE THEY LACK THE QUALITIES TO DO

FROM THEIR JOBS MERELY BECAUSE THEY LACK THE QUALITIES TO DO THESE JOBS WELL.

THEY LACK THE QUALITIES TO DO THESE JOBS WELL. AND WHY?

THESE JOBS WELL. AND WHY? WHY SHOULD SOMEONE WHO IS

AND WHY? WHY SHOULD SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY GOOD AT THEIR JOB WIN

WHY SHOULD SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY GOOD AT THEIR JOB WIN OUT OVER SOMEONE WHO IS POOR AT

ALREADY GOOD AT THEIR JOB WIN OUT OVER SOMEONE WHO IS POOR AT THEIRS?

OUT OVER SOMEONE WHO IS POOR AT THEIRS? EFFECTIVE WORKERS DON'T NEED THE

THEIRS? EFFECTIVE WORKERS DON'T NEED THE JOB.

EFFECTIVE WORKERS DON'T NEED THE JOB. THEY ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

JOB. THEY ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO IT. IF THEY'RE SUCH HOT STUFF, WHY

THEY ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO IT. IF THEY'RE SUCH HOT STUFF, WHY DON'T THEY TRY DOING SOMETHING

IF THEY'RE SUCH HOT STUFF, WHY DON'T THEY TRY DOING SOMETHING THEY'RE BAD AT?

DON'T THEY TRY DOING SOMETHING THEY'RE BAD AT? HOW WILL SOCIETY EVER GROW IF

THEY'RE BAD AT? HOW WILL SOCIETY EVER GROW IF PEOPLE ARE JUST HIRED TO DO WHAT

HOW WILL SOCIETY EVER GROW IF PEOPLE ARE JUST HIRED TO DO WHAT THEY ALREADY DO WELL?

PEOPLE ARE JUST HIRED TO DO WHAT THEY ALREADY DO WELL? JUST LISTEN TO THESE

THEY ALREADY DO WELL? JUST LISTEN TO THESE HEARTBREAKING TESTIMONIES.

JUST LISTEN TO THESE HEARTBREAKING TESTIMONIES. UM, I WORKED AT THIS

HEARTBREAKING TESTIMONIES. UM, I WORKED AT THIS SUPERMARKET, PACKING GROCERIES

UM, I WORKED AT THIS SUPERMARKET, PACKING GROCERIES INTO BROWN BAGS FOR CUSTOMERS.

SUPERMARKET, PACKING GROCERIES INTO BROWN BAGS FOR CUSTOMERS. AND I KEPT PUTTING FRAGILES,

INTO BROWN BAGS FOR CUSTOMERS. AND I KEPT PUTTING FRAGILES, LIKE EGGS AND TOMATOES, ON THE

AND I KEPT PUTTING FRAGILES, LIKE EGGS AND TOMATOES, ON THE BOTTOM AND HEAVY STUFF, LIKE

LIKE EGGS AND TOMATOES, ON THE BOTTOM AND HEAVY STUFF, LIKE 10-POUND BAGS OF KITTY LITTER

BOTTOM AND HEAVY STUFF, LIKE 10-POUND BAGS OF KITTY LITTER AND ECONOMY-SIZED CANS OF BEANS,

10-POUND BAGS OF KITTY LITTER AND ECONOMY-SIZED CANS OF BEANS, ON THE TOP.

AND ECONOMY-SIZED CANS OF BEANS, ON THE TOP. AND THE HEAVY STUFF WOULD CRUSH

ON THE TOP. AND THE HEAVY STUFF WOULD CRUSH THE SOFT STUFF, YOU KNOW, JUST

AND THE HEAVY STUFF WOULD CRUSH THE SOFT STUFF, YOU KNOW, JUST SMASH IT.

THE SOFT STUFF, YOU KNOW, JUST SMASH IT. AND THE SLIME WOULD DRIP OUT OF

SMASH IT. AND THE SLIME WOULD DRIP OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG AND BREAK

AND THE SLIME WOULD DRIP OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG AND BREAK AND SPILL ALL OVER THESE LADIES'

THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG AND BREAK AND SPILL ALL OVER THESE LADIES' GOOD COATS.

AND SPILL ALL OVER THESE LADIES' GOOD COATS. THEY'D GET REALLY CHEESED OFF

GOOD COATS. THEY'D GET REALLY CHEESED OFF AND COMPLAIN ABOUT ME.

THEY'D GET REALLY CHEESED OFF AND COMPLAIN ABOUT ME. BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY MY MIND

AND COMPLAIN ABOUT ME. BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY MY MIND WORKS... EGGS, BOTTOM, CANS,

BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY MY MIND WORKS... EGGS, BOTTOM, CANS, TOP.

WORKS... EGGS, BOTTOM, CANS, TOP. AND, YOU KNOW, IF THAT'S SUCH A

TOP. AND, YOU KNOW, IF THAT'S SUCH A CRIME, GO AHEAD.

AND, YOU KNOW, IF THAT'S SUCH A CRIME, GO AHEAD. PUT ME ON WELFARE.

CRIME, GO AHEAD. PUT ME ON WELFARE. I USED TO WORK AS AN

PUT ME ON WELFARE. I USED TO WORK AS AN AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLER AT

I USED TO WORK AS AN AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLER AT KENNEDY, AND IT WAS MY JOB TO

AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLER AT KENNEDY, AND IT WAS MY JOB TO WATCH THE RADAR SCREEN AND RADIO

KENNEDY, AND IT WAS MY JOB TO WATCH THE RADAR SCREEN AND RADIO LANDING INSTRUCTIONS TO THE

WATCH THE RADAR SCREEN AND RADIO LANDING INSTRUCTIONS TO THE PILOTS, LIKE RAY AND JIM AND

LANDING INSTRUCTIONS TO THE PILOTS, LIKE RAY AND JIM AND LYLE AND DEREK.

PILOTS, LIKE RAY AND JIM AND LYLE AND DEREK. LIKE, IF YOU COULD HAVE SEEN

LYLE AND DEREK. LIKE, IF YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THESE GUYS!

LIKE, IF YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THESE GUYS! I MEAN, THEY WERE SO CUTE!

THESE GUYS! I MEAN, THEY WERE SO CUTE! AND, LIKE, THERE WAS THIS ONE

I MEAN, THEY WERE SO CUTE! AND, LIKE, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS REALLY BIG

AND, LIKE, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS REALLY BIG STORM, AND DIRK, THIS PILOT I

TIME THERE WAS THIS REALLY BIG STORM, AND DIRK, THIS PILOT I WAS SEEING AT THE TIME WHO WAS

STORM, AND DIRK, THIS PILOT I WAS SEEING AT THE TIME WHO WAS ONLY SO FINE... HE YELLS AT ME

WAS SEEING AT THE TIME WHO WAS ONLY SO FINE... HE YELLS AT ME OVER THE HEADSET, "WHERE'S THE

ONLY SO FINE... HE YELLS AT ME OVER THE HEADSET, "WHERE'S THE RUNWAY?"

OVER THE HEADSET, "WHERE'S THE RUNWAY?" AND I SAID, "WHERE WERE YOU

RUNWAY?" AND I SAID, "WHERE WERE YOU SATURDAY NIGHT?"

AND I SAID, "WHERE WERE YOU SATURDAY NIGHT?" SO, HE MAKES THIS B.F.D. WITH

SATURDAY NIGHT?" SO, HE MAKES THIS B.F.D. WITH THE F.A.A., AND I GET FIRED.

SO, HE MAKES THIS B.F.D. WITH THE F.A.A., AND I GET FIRED. UH...

THE F.A.A., AND I GET FIRED. UH... I, UH... I WAS FIRED FROM MY JOB

UH... I, UH... I WAS FIRED FROM MY JOB MAKING BURGERS IN THE BACK

I, UH... I WAS FIRED FROM MY JOB MAKING BURGERS IN THE BACK KITCHEN AT BURGER LAND BECAUSE A

MAKING BURGERS IN THE BACK KITCHEN AT BURGER LAND BECAUSE A LOT OF CUSTOMERS COMPLAINED

KITCHEN AT BURGER LAND BECAUSE A LOT OF CUSTOMERS COMPLAINED ABOUT HAIR IN THEIR BURGERS.

LOT OF CUSTOMERS COMPLAINED ABOUT HAIR IN THEIR BURGERS. NOW, I COULD TAKE IT WHEN THE

ABOUT HAIR IN THEIR BURGERS. NOW, I COULD TAKE IT WHEN THE BOSS WOULD ASK, "HOW DO YOU MAKE

NOW, I COULD TAKE IT WHEN THE BOSS WOULD ASK, "HOW DO YOU MAKE THEM... LIKE THIS?"

BOSS WOULD ASK, "HOW DO YOU MAKE THEM... LIKE THIS?" LOOK!

THEM... LIKE THIS?" LOOK! I'M NO JERK!

LOOK! I'M NO JERK! I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I'M NO JERK! I WOULDN'T DO THAT. IT WAS HEAD HAIR.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT. IT WAS HEAD HAIR. IT WASN'T PIT HAIR.

IT WAS HEAD HAIR. IT WASN'T PIT HAIR. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, WEAR

IT WASN'T PIT HAIR. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, WEAR A BATHING CAP TO WORK?

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, WEAR A BATHING CAP TO WORK? [LAUGHS]

A BATHING CAP TO WORK? [LAUGHS] BESIDES, THERE'S A LOT WORSE

[LAUGHS] BESIDES, THERE'S A LOT WORSE THINGS THAT COULD BE IN BURGERS.

UH... ISN'T THIS A PATHETIC WASTE OF INEPTITUDE? BELIEVE ME.

WASTE OF INEPTITUDE? BELIEVE ME. I KNOW HOW THEY FEEL.

BELIEVE ME. I KNOW HOW THEY FEEL. LOOK AT ME.

I KNOW HOW THEY FEEL. LOOK AT ME. THEY HIRED ME AS HOST, AND YOU

LOOK AT ME. THEY HIRED ME AS HOST, AND YOU COULDN'T EXACTLY CALL ME

THEY HIRED ME AS HOST, AND YOU COULDN'T EXACTLY CALL ME COMPETENT.

COULDN'T EXACTLY CALL ME COMPETENT. WAIT, I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE CUE

COMPETENT. WAIT, I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE CUE CARDS BEFORE.

WAIT, I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE CUE CARDS BEFORE. I'D NEVER BE SAYING THESE THINGS

CARDS BEFORE. I'D NEVER BE SAYING THESE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF OR ANYONE

I'D NEVER BE SAYING THESE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF OR ANYONE INCOMPETENT.

ABOUT MYSELF OR ANYONE INCOMPETENT. GEE, YOU KNOW, IT'S PERFECTLY

INCOMPETENT. GEE, YOU KNOW, IT'S PERFECTLY CLEAR BY NOW THAT NO ONE REALLY

GEE, YOU KNOW, IT'S PERFECTLY CLEAR BY NOW THAT NO ONE REALLY APPRECIATES ALL THE TIME I SPEND

CLEAR BY NOW THAT NO ONE REALLY APPRECIATES ALL THE TIME I SPEND AT THE SWEATER COUNTER AT SAKS

APPRECIATES ALL THE TIME I SPEND AT THE SWEATER COUNTER AT SAKS ALONE.

AT THE SWEATER COUNTER AT SAKS ALONE. LORNE? LORNE?

ALONE. LORNE? LORNE? YES, CHUCK?

LORNE? LORNE? YES, CHUCK? THIS IS... YOU KNOW, TALK

YES, CHUCK? THIS IS... YOU KNOW, TALK ABOUT INCOMPETENT.

THIS IS... YOU KNOW, TALK ABOUT INCOMPETENT. THIS TASTE THING... THIS IS A

ABOUT INCOMPETENT. THIS TASTE THING... THIS IS A PERFECT SPOT FOR ME TO DO MY

THIS TASTE THING... THIS IS A PERFECT SPOT FOR ME TO DO MY SONG.

PERFECT SPOT FOR ME TO DO MY SONG. I DON'T SEE WHY... IS THERE SOME

SONG. I DON'T SEE WHY... IS THERE SOME TIME?

I DON'T SEE WHY... IS THERE SOME TIME? I THINK THERE MAY BE ENOUGH

TIME? I THINK THERE MAY BE ENOUGH TIME.

I THINK THERE MAY BE ENOUGH TIME. GO AHEAD.

TIME. GO AHEAD. OH, THANK YOU.

GO AHEAD. OH, THANK YOU. WELL, THIS IS... BRING A

OH, THANK YOU. WELL, THIS IS... BRING A LITTLE... YOU KNOW.

WELL, THIS IS... BRING A LITTLE... YOU KNOW. ♪ HELP A PERSON ♪

LITTLE... YOU KNOW. ♪ HELP A PERSON ♪ ♪ BE A FRIEND ♪

♪ HELP A PERSON ♪ ♪ BE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ HANG ON TILL THE VERY END ♪

♪ BE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ HANG ON TILL THE VERY END ♪ ♪ A CAR, TV, SOME CAKE, A WIFE ♪

♪ HANG ON TILL THE VERY END ♪ ♪ A CAR, TV, SOME CAKE, A WIFE ♪ ♪ THESE ARE MY FEELINGS ABOUT

♪ A CAR, TV, SOME CAKE, A WIFE ♪ ♪ THESE ARE MY FEELINGS ABOUT LIFE ♪

♪ THESE ARE MY FEELINGS ABOUT LIFE ♪ [APPLAUSE]

LIFE ♪ [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THAT WAS NICE, CHUCK.

THANK YOU. THAT WAS NICE, CHUCK. THANK YOU.

THAT WAS NICE, CHUCK. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, LORNE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, LORNE. THANK YOU. Announcer: "HIRE THE

THANK YOU, LORNE. THANK YOU. Announcer: "HIRE THE INCOMPETENT."

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. YOU'VE BEEN A WONDERFUL

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. YOU'VE BEEN A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE.

YOU'VE BEEN A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE. AS YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST

AUDIENCE. AS YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST KIDDING, RIGHT, JOHN?

AS YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST KIDDING, RIGHT, JOHN? YEAH, MR. SPACEMAN.

KIDDING, RIGHT, JOHN? YEAH, MR. SPACEMAN. RIGHT. NO, RIGHT.

YEAH, MR. SPACEMAN. RIGHT. NO, RIGHT. JUST A JOKE.

RIGHT. NO, RIGHT. JUST A JOKE. THANK YOU TO PAUL AND TO ART AND

JUST A JOKE. THANK YOU TO PAUL AND TO ART AND TO... AND TO LARAINE AND

THANK YOU TO PAUL AND TO ART AND TO... AND TO LARAINE AND EVERYBODY AND THE PERSUASIONS,

TO... AND TO LARAINE AND EVERYBODY AND THE PERSUASIONS, AND YOU'VE BEEN A TERRIFIC

EVERYBODY AND THE PERSUASIONS, AND YOU'VE BEEN A TERRIFIC AUDIENCE.

AND YOU'VE BEEN A TERRIFIC AUDIENCE. IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL NIGHT FOR

AUDIENCE. IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL NIGHT FOR US.

IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL NIGHT FOR US. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, WATCH NBC's "WEEKEND"

WITH LLOYD DOBYNS.

WE'LL BE BACK TWO WEEKS FROM

TONIGHT, NOVEMBER 12th, WHEN OUR

HOST WILL BE RAY CHARLES, WITH

GUEST FRANKLYN AJAYE.

DON'T FORGET TO SET YOUR CLOCKS

BACK.

THIS IS

DON "TRICK OR TREAT" PARDO, WITH

MY ANNUAL HALLOWEEN MESSAGE TO

AMERICA... BOO!

GOOD NIGHT.