Original subtitles

OKAY, YOU IRISH FILTH, TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. [Irish accent] YOU'LL GET

ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. [Irish accent] YOU'LL GET NOTHING FROM ME, YOU ENGLISH

[Irish accent] YOU'LL GET NOTHING FROM ME, YOU ENGLISH SWILL.

NOTHING FROM ME, YOU ENGLISH SWILL. BE REASONABLE, MATE.

SWILL. BE REASONABLE, MATE. JUST ANSWER THOSE THREE

BE REASONABLE, MATE. JUST ANSWER THOSE THREE QUESTIONS.

JUST ANSWER THOSE THREE QUESTIONS. I'LL GIVE YOU A CIGARETTE.

QUESTIONS. I'LL GIVE YOU A CIGARETTE. I'LL GIVE YOU SOME FOOD, A BIG,

I'LL GIVE YOU A CIGARETTE. I'LL GIVE YOU SOME FOOD, A BIG, BRIMMING BOWL FULL OF

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME FOOD, A BIG, BRIMMING BOWL FULL OF LUCKY CHARMS.

BRIMMING BOWL FULL OF LUCKY CHARMS. WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE?

LUCKY CHARMS. WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE? YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME,

WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE? YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, SLIMY LIME.

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, SLIMY LIME. THAT'S "LIMEY SLIME," YOU

SLIMY LIME. THAT'S "LIMEY SLIME," YOU UNEDUCATED HICK SCUM.

THAT'S "LIMEY SLIME," YOU UNEDUCATED HICK SCUM. VERY WELL.

UNEDUCATED HICK SCUM. VERY WELL. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT

VERY WELL. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE. IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF ALL

YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE. IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF ALL CIVILIZED MORAL CODES, I AM NOW

IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF ALL CIVILIZED MORAL CODES, I AM NOW GOING TO ATTACH THESE ELECTRODES

CIVILIZED MORAL CODES, I AM NOW GOING TO ATTACH THESE ELECTRODES TO YOUR POTATOES...

GOING TO ATTACH THESE ELECTRODES TO YOUR POTATOES... AND THEN TURN THE CRANK ON THIS

TO YOUR POTATOES... AND THEN TURN THE CRANK ON THIS FIELD GENERATOR.

AND THEN TURN THE CRANK ON THIS FIELD GENERATOR. NOW, YOU IGNORANT BOG HOPPER,

FIELD GENERATOR. NOW, YOU IGNORANT BOG HOPPER, START SINGING.

NOW, YOU IGNORANT BOG HOPPER, START SINGING. ♪ WHEN IRISH EYES ARE

START SINGING. ♪ WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING ♪

♪ WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING ♪ ♪ YOU'RE... ♪

SMILING ♪ ♪ YOU'RE... ♪ ♪ OHHHHHH ♪

♪ YOU'RE... ♪ ♪ OHHHHHH ♪ ♪ GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ♪

♪ OHHHHHH ♪ ♪ GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ♪ ♪ MOTHER MACHREE ♪

♪ GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ♪ ♪ MOTHER MACHREE ♪ I SEE THIS IS GETTING US

♪ MOTHER MACHREE ♪ I SEE THIS IS GETTING US NOWHERE.

I SEE THIS IS GETTING US NOWHERE. YOU FORCE MY HAND.

NOWHERE. YOU FORCE MY HAND. UNLESS YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER TO

YOU FORCE MY HAND. UNLESS YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER TO THESE THREE QUESTIONS, I'M GONNA

UNLESS YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER TO THESE THREE QUESTIONS, I'M GONNA TURN YOUR POTATOES INTO FRENCH

THESE THREE QUESTIONS, I'M GONNA TURN YOUR POTATOES INTO FRENCH FRIES.

TURN YOUR POTATOES INTO FRENCH FRIES. YOU'VE GOT 10 SECONDS.

FRIES. YOU'VE GOT 10 SECONDS. 10...

YOU'VE GOT 10 SECONDS. 10... 9...

10... 9... 8...

9... 8... 7...

8... 7... 6...

7... 6... 5...

6... 5... 4...

5... 4... 3...

4... 3... 2...

3... 2... 1.

2... 1. ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

1. ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL TELL YOU.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL TELL YOU. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU. ALL RIGHT. ONE... IS THE BOMB LIVE OR

ALL RIGHT. ONE... IS THE BOMB LIVE OR DIFFUSED?

ONE... IS THE BOMB LIVE OR DIFFUSED? TWO... WHAT CITY WAS IT MAILED

DIFFUSED? TWO... WHAT CITY WAS IT MAILED FROM?

TWO... WHAT CITY WAS IT MAILED FROM? AND THREE... WHEN WILL IT GO

FROM? AND THREE... WHEN WILL IT GO OFF?

AND THREE... WHEN WILL IT GO OFF? LIVE.

OFF? LIVE. FROM NEW YORK.

LIVE. FROM NEW YORK. IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

FROM NEW YORK. IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! [BAND PLAYS]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! [BAND PLAYS] Announcer: NBC's

[BAND PLAYS] Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT"...

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT"... STARRING...

"SATURDAY NIGHT"... STARRING... WITH SPECIAL GUESTS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... ERIC IDLE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM WELCOME, PLEASE, TO THE QUEEN OF

PLEASE GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM WELCOME, PLEASE, TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

WELCOME, PLEASE, TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ENGLAND. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]

YOUR MAJESTY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE IN A LIFETIME... WELL, MAYBE TWICE, IF YOU'RE

GENTLEMEN, ONCE IN A LIFETIME... WELL, MAYBE TWICE, IF YOU'RE VERY LUCKY... ONCE OR TWICE IN

WELL, MAYBE TWICE, IF YOU'RE VERY LUCKY... ONCE OR TWICE IN A... WELL, EVEN POSSIBLY THREE

VERY LUCKY... ONCE OR TWICE IN A... WELL, EVEN POSSIBLY THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME... BUT THREE

A... WELL, EVEN POSSIBLY THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME... BUT THREE TIMES WOULD BE JUST SO AMAZING.

TIMES IN A LIFETIME... BUT THREE TIMES WOULD BE JUST SO AMAZING. YOU'D THINK, "WOW!

TIMES WOULD BE JUST SO AMAZING. YOU'D THINK, "WOW! THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME!"

YOU'D THINK, "WOW! THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME!" AND FOUR WOULD BE RIGHT OUT OF

THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME!" AND FOUR WOULD BE RIGHT OUT OF THE QUESTION... NEVER, NEVER.

AND FOUR WOULD BE RIGHT OUT OF THE QUESTION... NEVER, NEVER. I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T RULE IT

THE QUESTION... NEVER, NEVER. I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T RULE IT OUT, STATISTICALLY, OBVIOUSLY,

I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T RULE IT OUT, STATISTICALLY, OBVIOUSLY, BUT YOU COULDN'T SAY, "NEVER

OUT, STATISTICALLY, OBVIOUSLY, BUT YOU COULDN'T SAY, "NEVER FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME,"

BUT YOU COULDN'T SAY, "NEVER FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME," BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY,

FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME," BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY, STATISTICALLY, FOUR TIMES IN A

BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY, STATISTICALLY, FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME IS A DISTINCT

STATISTICALLY, FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY.

LIFETIME IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY. BUT ANYTHING ABOVE, SAY, FOUR OR

POSSIBILITY. BUT ANYTHING ABOVE, SAY, FOUR OR FIVE TIMES... START AGAIN.

BUT ANYTHING ABOVE, SAY, FOUR OR FIVE TIMES... START AGAIN. 20 TIMES IN A LIFETIME OR SO,

FIVE TIMES... START AGAIN. 20 TIMES IN A LIFETIME OR SO, YOU ARE PRESENT ENOUGH TO BE

20 TIMES IN A LIFETIME OR SO, YOU ARE PRESENT ENOUGH TO BE FORTUNATE TO BE PRESENT IN

YOU ARE PRESENT ENOUGH TO BE FORTUNATE TO BE PRESENT IN SOMETHING SO SPLENDID, SO

FORTUNATE TO BE PRESENT IN SOMETHING SO SPLENDID, SO MAJESTIC, SO WORTHWHILE YOU FEEL

SOMETHING SO SPLENDID, SO MAJESTIC, SO WORTHWHILE YOU FEEL REALLY PROUD.

MAJESTIC, SO WORTHWHILE YOU FEEL REALLY PROUD. AND TONIGHT ISN'T ONE OF THOSE

REALLY PROUD. AND TONIGHT ISN'T ONE OF THOSE OCCASIONS, BUT WE ARE PRETTY

AND TONIGHT ISN'T ONE OF THOSE OCCASIONS, BUT WE ARE PRETTY THRILLED TO WELCOME TO

OCCASIONS, BUT WE ARE PRETTY THRILLED TO WELCOME TO "SATURDAY NIGHT" HER MAJESTY,

THRILLED TO WELCOME TO "SATURDAY NIGHT" HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE QUEEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL QUEEN HAS BEEN ON THE SHOW, WITH

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL QUEEN HAS BEEN ON THE SHOW, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOME OF THE

QUEEN HAS BEEN ON THE SHOW, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOME OF THE MUSICIANS.

THE EXCEPTION OF SOME OF THE MUSICIANS. YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONE THING WE

MUSICIANS. YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONE THING WE ENGLISH HAVE ALWAYS LOVED ABOVE

YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONE THING WE ENGLISH HAVE ALWAYS LOVED ABOVE ALL ABOUT YOU AMERICANS, AND

ENGLISH HAVE ALWAYS LOVED ABOVE ALL ABOUT YOU AMERICANS, AND THAT IS YOUR MONEY.

ALL ABOUT YOU AMERICANS, AND THAT IS YOUR MONEY. WE HAVE 1,000 YEARS HISTORY.

THAT IS YOUR MONEY. WE HAVE 1,000 YEARS HISTORY. YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

WE HAVE 1,000 YEARS HISTORY. YOU HAVE THE MONEY. WE HAVE THE LITERATURE, THE

YOU HAVE THE MONEY. WE HAVE THE LITERATURE, THE POETRY, THE TRADITIONS.

WE HAVE THE LITERATURE, THE POETRY, THE TRADITIONS. YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

POETRY, THE TRADITIONS. YOU HAVE THE MONEY. WE HAVE THE BUILDINGS, THE

YOU HAVE THE MONEY. WE HAVE THE BUILDINGS, THE PAINTINGS, THE GARDENS, THE

WE HAVE THE BUILDINGS, THE PAINTINGS, THE GARDENS, THE PALACES.

PAINTINGS, THE GARDENS, THE PALACES. YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

PALACES. YOU HAVE THE MONEY. AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE

YOU HAVE THE MONEY. AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE TONIGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE TONIGHT. WE'RE GOING TO HOLD A TELETHON

TONIGHT. WE'RE GOING TO HOLD A TELETHON FOR ENGLAND.

IF YOU WISH TO PLEDGE MONEY FOR

ENGLAND, THAT ANCIENT CHARITY,

HERE IS THE NUMBER TO REACH...

555-1066.

INCIDENTALLY, THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WAS, IN FACT, INVENTED IN ENGLAND.

LANGUAGE WAS, IN FACT, INVENTED IN ENGLAND. THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO

IN ENGLAND. THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO YOU NOW... "THESE VERY WORDS I'M

THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO YOU NOW... "THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO YOU NOW"... THESE ARE

YOU NOW... "THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO YOU NOW"... THESE ARE ALL EXAMPLES OF WORDS WE MADE UP

SAYING TO YOU NOW"... THESE ARE ALL EXAMPLES OF WORDS WE MADE UP IN ENGLAND FOR YOU.

ALL EXAMPLES OF WORDS WE MADE UP IN ENGLAND FOR YOU. OF COURSE, A LOT OF THEM WERE

IN ENGLAND FOR YOU. OF COURSE, A LOT OF THEM WERE MADE UP BY PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD

OF COURSE, A LOT OF THEM WERE MADE UP BY PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD NOW, BUT THEY'RE STILL GOOD

MADE UP BY PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD NOW, BUT THEY'RE STILL GOOD WORDS, AND YOU'VE BEEN USING

NOW, BUT THEY'RE STILL GOOD WORDS, AND YOU'VE BEEN USING THEM FOR A VERY LONG TIME

WORDS, AND YOU'VE BEEN USING THEM FOR A VERY LONG TIME WITHOUT PAYING ANY ROYALTIES.

SO WE NEED YOUR MONEY.

PLEASE CALL UP 555-1066.

ONE OR TWO APOLOGIES... THE

BEATLES COULDN'T BE HERE, BUT WE

DO HAVE ONE OF THE RUTLES.

AND CLIVE DAVIS HAS PLEDGED $20 IF WE MENTION HIS NAME. THANK YOU, CLIVE.

IF WE MENTION HIS NAME. THANK YOU, CLIVE. WE'LL TAKE THAT.

THANK YOU, CLIVE. WE'LL TAKE THAT. COULD WE SEE THAT?

WE'LL TAKE THAT. COULD WE SEE THAT? THERE WE GO. RIGHT.

COULD WE SEE THAT? THERE WE GO. RIGHT. [FANFARE PLAYING]

THERE WE GO. RIGHT. [FANFARE PLAYING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[FANFARE PLAYING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST BIT OF

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST BIT OF MONEY THAT STARTS THE BALL

WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST BIT OF MONEY THAT STARTS THE BALL ROLLING.

MONEY THAT STARTS THE BALL ROLLING. WE SHALL HAVE SEVERAL

ROLLING. WE SHALL HAVE SEVERAL FUND-RAISING EVENTS LATER ON.

WE SHALL HAVE SEVERAL FUND-RAISING EVENTS LATER ON. AT ABOUT 11:50, THERE WILL BE A

FUND-RAISING EVENTS LATER ON. AT ABOUT 11:50, THERE WILL BE A SMELL-ALIKE COMPETITION, WHERE

AT ABOUT 11:50, THERE WILL BE A SMELL-ALIKE COMPETITION, WHERE WE SHALL INTRODUCE PEOPLE WHO

SMELL-ALIKE COMPETITION, WHERE WE SHALL INTRODUCE PEOPLE WHO SMELL REMARKABLY LIKE OTHER

WE SHALL INTRODUCE PEOPLE WHO SMELL REMARKABLY LIKE OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE...

SMELL REMARKABLY LIKE OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE... BARBRA STREISAND, JOHNNY CARSON,

FAMOUS PEOPLE... BARBRA STREISAND, JOHNNY CARSON, AND SO ON.

IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU OR YOUR

FRIENDS SMELL LIKE ANYONE

FAMOUS... SAY, TRUMAN CAPOTE OR

NELSON ROCKEFELLER... HERE'S THE

NUMBER TO RING INTO... 555-1066.

AND THROUGHOUT THE EVENING,

THERE IS A "KICK A CANADIAN"

COMPETITION, WHERE VOLUNTEERS

FROM CANADA, IN NATIONAL DRESS,

HAVE AGREED TO BE KICKED FOR

CHARITY.

AND I'M GOING TO ASK HER MAJESTY RIGHT NOW IF SHE WILL FORMALLY OPEN THIS EVENT.

RIGHT NOW IF SHE WILL FORMALLY OPEN THIS EVENT. COULD WE HAVE THE CANADIAN,

OPEN THIS EVENT. COULD WE HAVE THE CANADIAN, PLEASE?

COULD WE HAVE THE CANADIAN, PLEASE? THIS IS CONSTABLE RONALD QUINN

PLEASE? THIS IS CONSTABLE RONALD QUINN FROM TORONTO.

THIS IS CONSTABLE RONALD QUINN FROM TORONTO. YOUR MAJESTY, WOULD YOU

FROM TORONTO. YOUR MAJESTY, WOULD YOU INAUGURATE THIS EVENT, PLEASE?

YOUR MAJESTY, WOULD YOU INAUGURATE THIS EVENT, PLEASE? [GROANS]

MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE WHO WISH TO KICK THE CANADIAN FOR $1, FALL IN AND PLEASE COME

WISH TO KICK THE CANADIAN FOR $1, FALL IN AND PLEASE COME FORWARD DURING THE BREAKS.

$1, FALL IN AND PLEASE COME FORWARD DURING THE BREAKS. ALSO, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING

FORWARD DURING THE BREAKS. ALSO, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING IN, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

ALSO, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING IN, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

IN, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY TIME YOU BUY POT FROM MEXICO OR COLUMBIA, YOU'RE PUTTING AN AMERICAN OUT OF WORK.

MEXICO OR COLUMBIA, YOU'RE PUTTING AN AMERICAN OUT OF WORK. WE OF THE AMERICAN DOPE GROWERS

PUTTING AN AMERICAN OUT OF WORK. WE OF THE AMERICAN DOPE GROWERS UNION SUPPORT OURSELVES BY

WE OF THE AMERICAN DOPE GROWERS UNION SUPPORT OURSELVES BY GROWING MARIJUANA IN AMERICAN

UNION SUPPORT OURSELVES BY GROWING MARIJUANA IN AMERICAN SOIL.

GROWING MARIJUANA IN AMERICAN SOIL. WE'VE HAD A PRETTY HARD TIME ON

SOIL. WE'VE HAD A PRETTY HARD TIME ON OUR OWN, BUT WITH THE UNION, WE

WE'VE HAD A PRETTY HARD TIME ON OUR OWN, BUT WITH THE UNION, WE CAN LIVE DECENT LIVES AND STAY

OUR OWN, BUT WITH THE UNION, WE CAN LIVE DECENT LIVES AND STAY OFF WELFARE.

CAN LIVE DECENT LIVES AND STAY OFF WELFARE. THAT'S MY UNION, AND THAT'S WHAT

OFF WELFARE. THAT'S MY UNION, AND THAT'S WHAT OUR UNION LABEL STANDS FOR.

THAT'S MY UNION, AND THAT'S WHAT OUR UNION LABEL STANDS FOR. ♪ SO LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪

OUR UNION LABEL STANDS FOR. ♪ SO LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪ All: ♪ WHEN YOU ARE BUYING

♪ SO LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪ All: ♪ WHEN YOU ARE BUYING THAT JOINT, LID, OR POUND ♪

All: ♪ WHEN YOU ARE BUYING THAT JOINT, LID, OR POUND ♪ ♪ REMEMBER SOMEWHERE OUR UNION'S

THAT JOINT, LID, OR POUND ♪ ♪ REMEMBER SOMEWHERE OUR UNION'S GROWING ♪

♪ REMEMBER SOMEWHERE OUR UNION'S GROWING ♪ ♪ DOPE TO BE SMOKING ♪

GROWING ♪ ♪ DOPE TO BE SMOKING ♪ ♪ AT THE BEST PRICE AROUND ♪

♪ DOPE TO BE SMOKING ♪ ♪ AT THE BEST PRICE AROUND ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW WE WORK HARD ♪

♪ AT THE BEST PRICE AROUND ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW WE WORK HARD ♪ ♪ BUT WHO'S COMPLAINING ♪

♪ YOU KNOW WE WORK HARD ♪ ♪ BUT WHO'S COMPLAINING ♪ ♪ WHEN WE AT A.D.G. STAY HIGH

♪ BUT WHO'S COMPLAINING ♪ ♪ WHEN WE AT A.D.G. STAY HIGH AND EARN OUR WAY? ♪

♪ WHEN WE AT A.D.G. STAY HIGH AND EARN OUR WAY? ♪ ♪ SO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE UNION

AND EARN OUR WAY? ♪ ♪ SO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪

♪ SO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪ ♪ IT SAYS WE GIVE FOR THE U.S.

♪ IT SAYS WE GIVE FOR THE U.S. OF "A" ♪

Announcer: THIS MESSAGE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE AMERICAN

DOPE GROWERS UNION.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

HELLO. HELLO. GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME. THRICE WELCOME, THANK YOU,

HELLO. GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME. THRICE WELCOME, THANK YOU, SUPER.

THRICE WELCOME, THANK YOU, SUPER. BLESS YOU.

SUPER. BLESS YOU. WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC, GREAT,

BLESS YOU. WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC, GREAT, MARVELOUS, SPLENDID.

WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC, GREAT, MARVELOUS, SPLENDID. CALL AGAIN. MM-HMM.

MARVELOUS, SPLENDID. CALL AGAIN. MM-HMM. YOU'RE WELCOME.

CALL AGAIN. MM-HMM. YOU'RE WELCOME. HAVE A NICE DAY.

YOU'RE WELCOME. HAVE A NICE DAY. THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, AND

HAVE A NICE DAY. THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME.

THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME. TONIGHT IS INDEED A MOST

WELCOME. TONIGHT IS INDEED A MOST TREMENDOUS AND UNUSUAL OCCASION

TONIGHT IS INDEED A MOST TREMENDOUS AND UNUSUAL OCCASION FOR AMERICAN TELEVISION.

TREMENDOUS AND UNUSUAL OCCASION FOR AMERICAN TELEVISION. I'M BACK ON IT.

FOR AMERICAN TELEVISION. I'M BACK ON IT. AND THAT IN ITSELF IS MOST

I'M BACK ON IT. AND THAT IN ITSELF IS MOST WELCOME.

AND THAT IN ITSELF IS MOST WELCOME. HELLO, GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU.

WELCOME. HELLO, GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU. CALL AGAIN.

HELLO, GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU. CALL AGAIN. SUPER TO SEE YOU, MM-HMM.

CALL AGAIN. SUPER TO SEE YOU, MM-HMM. YOU'RE WELCOME.

SUPER TO SEE YOU, MM-HMM. YOU'RE WELCOME. HAVE A NICE DAY. GOOD EVE...

YOU'RE WELCOME. HAVE A NICE DAY. GOOD EVE... TONIGHT MY GUEST IS A FORMER

HAVE A NICE DAY. GOOD EVE... TONIGHT MY GUEST IS A FORMER PRESIDENT OF YOUR COUNTRY, NOW

TONIGHT MY GUEST IS A FORMER PRESIDENT OF YOUR COUNTRY, NOW COMPLETELY PARDONED BY HIS

PRESIDENT OF YOUR COUNTRY, NOW COMPLETELY PARDONED BY HIS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FOR ANY

COMPLETELY PARDONED BY HIS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FOR ANY CRIMES HE MIGHT HAVE COMMITTED

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FOR ANY CRIMES HE MIGHT HAVE COMMITTED WHILE IN OFFICE.

CRIMES HE MIGHT HAVE COMMITTED WHILE IN OFFICE. I SHALL BE TALKING TO HIM

WHILE IN OFFICE. I SHALL BE TALKING TO HIM TONIGHT FOR 20 HOURS, COMPLETELY

I SHALL BE TALKING TO HIM TONIGHT FOR 20 HOURS, COMPLETELY UNCENSORED, EXCEPT FOR THE BITS

TONIGHT FOR 20 HOURS, COMPLETELY UNCENSORED, EXCEPT FOR THE BITS WE'LL CUT OUT.

UNCENSORED, EXCEPT FOR THE BITS WE'LL CUT OUT. SUPER.

WE'LL CUT OUT. SUPER. SO LET'S GET RIGHT ON WITH

SUPER. SO LET'S GET RIGHT ON WITH TONIGHT'S GUEST, A MAN WHO WENT

SO LET'S GET RIGHT ON WITH TONIGHT'S GUEST, A MAN WHO WENT FROM A LITTLE DOG CALLED

TONIGHT'S GUEST, A MAN WHO WENT FROM A LITTLE DOG CALLED CHECKERS TO A LITTLE CHECK

FROM A LITTLE DOG CALLED CHECKERS TO A LITTLE CHECK CALLED PLUMBERS.

CHECKERS TO A LITTLE CHECK CALLED PLUMBERS. [LAUGHS] TERRIFIC.

CALLED PLUMBERS. [LAUGHS] TERRIFIC. WILL YOU WELCOME PLEASE FORMER

[LAUGHS] TERRIFIC. WILL YOU WELCOME PLEASE FORMER PRESIDENT MR.

WILL YOU WELCOME PLEASE FORMER PRESIDENT MR. RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON?

PRESIDENT MR. RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

SUPER. GOOD EVENING. SUPER. MOST WELCOME. WONDERFUL. GOOD EVENING, DAVID.

MOST WELCOME. WONDERFUL. GOOD EVENING, DAVID. SUPER.

GOOD EVENING, DAVID. SUPER. SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT,

SUPER. SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT, EX-PRESIDENT.

SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT, EX-PRESIDENT. WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE TO BE

EX-PRESIDENT. WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE TO BE HERE, JOHNNY.

WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE TO BE HERE, JOHNNY. SUPER. TERRIFIC.

HERE, JOHNNY. SUPER. TERRIFIC. MAY I... MAY I PERHAPS BEGIN

SUPER. TERRIFIC. MAY I... MAY I PERHAPS BEGIN THESE 20 HOURS OF TALKS BETWEEN

MAY I... MAY I PERHAPS BEGIN THESE 20 HOURS OF TALKS BETWEEN YOU AND ME FIRST BY ASKING YOU

THESE 20 HOURS OF TALKS BETWEEN YOU AND ME FIRST BY ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD?

YOU AND ME FIRST BY ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD? DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULARLY

ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD? DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULARLY STRONG CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULARLY STRONG CHILDHOOD MEMORIES? WELL, OF COURSE, I DO HAVE

STRONG CHILDHOOD MEMORIES? WELL, OF COURSE, I DO HAVE SOME CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT

WELL, OF COURSE, I DO HAVE SOME CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT COME BACK TO ME NOW AND AGAIN.

SOME CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT COME BACK TO ME NOW AND AGAIN. I REMEMBERER ONE PARTICULAR

COME BACK TO ME NOW AND AGAIN. I REMEMBERER ONE PARTICULAR MORNING IN APRIL OF 1921.

I REMEMBERER ONE PARTICULAR MORNING IN APRIL OF 1921. I REMEMBER COMING DOWN TO THE

MORNING IN APRIL OF 1921. I REMEMBER COMING DOWN TO THE KITCHEN, WHERE MY MOTHER WAS

I REMEMBER COMING DOWN TO THE KITCHEN, WHERE MY MOTHER WAS PREPARING THE MEAL THAT WE

KITCHEN, WHERE MY MOTHER WAS PREPARING THE MEAL THAT WE CALLED BREAKFAST AND HOW SHE'D

PREPARING THE MEAL THAT WE CALLED BREAKFAST AND HOW SHE'D POUR DRY CEREAL INTO A BOWL.

CALLED BREAKFAST AND HOW SHE'D POUR DRY CEREAL INTO A BOWL. AND THEN WE'D POUR MILK ON TOP

POUR DRY CEREAL INTO A BOWL. AND THEN WE'D POUR MILK ON TOP OF THE CEREAL, AND SOMETIMES

AND THEN WE'D POUR MILK ON TOP OF THE CEREAL, AND SOMETIMES SUGAR, DEPENDING UPON WHETHER WE

OF THE CEREAL, AND SOMETIMES SUGAR, DEPENDING UPON WHETHER WE WANTED IT SWEET OR NOT.

SUGAR, DEPENDING UPON WHETHER WE WANTED IT SWEET OR NOT. AND, UH, THEN WE'D STIR THE

WANTED IT SWEET OR NOT. AND, UH, THEN WE'D STIR THE WHOLE THING AROUND IN THE BOWL

AND, UH, THEN WE'D STIR THE WHOLE THING AROUND IN THE BOWL WITH OUR SPOONS.

WHOLE THING AROUND IN THE BOWL WITH OUR SPOONS. SUPER. M-MOST INTERESTING.

WITH OUR SPOONS. SUPER. M-MOST INTERESTING. LET'S GET ON WITH THE SECOND

SUPER. M-MOST INTERESTING. LET'S GET ON WITH THE SECOND QUESTION NOW, SHALL WE?

LET'S GET ON WITH THE SECOND QUESTION NOW, SHALL WE? I CAN REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY

QUESTION NOW, SHALL WE? I CAN REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY MY FATHER COMING DOWN IN THE

I CAN REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY MY FATHER COMING DOWN IN THE MORNING, AND HE USED TO SHAVE.

MY FATHER COMING DOWN IN THE MORNING, AND HE USED TO SHAVE. HE'D SHAVE HIS FACE.

MORNING, AND HE USED TO SHAVE. HE'D SHAVE HIS FACE. NOW, HE WOULD SHAVE IN THE

HE'D SHAVE HIS FACE. NOW, HE WOULD SHAVE IN THE BATHROOM.

NOW, HE WOULD SHAVE IN THE BATHROOM. THIS WAS WHERE WE WENT TO THE

BATHROOM. THIS WAS WHERE WE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, OF COURSE.

THIS WAS WHERE WE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, OF COURSE. AND HE'D RUN HOT WATER AND COLD

BATHROOM, OF COURSE. AND HE'D RUN HOT WATER AND COLD WATER IN THE SINK.

AND HE'D RUN HOT WATER AND COLD WATER IN THE SINK. NOW, HE'D SHAVE WITH HOT WATER,

WATER IN THE SINK. NOW, HE'D SHAVE WITH HOT WATER, AND YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL

NOW, HE'D SHAVE WITH HOT WATER, AND YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO SPIGOTS

AND YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO SPIGOTS ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FAUCET,

BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO SPIGOTS ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FAUCET, AND THE RIGHT ONE... YOU TURNED

ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FAUCET, AND THE RIGHT ONE... YOU TURNED IT ON, AND COLD WATER WOULD COME

AND THE RIGHT ONE... YOU TURNED IT ON, AND COLD WATER WOULD COME OUT, AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE

IT ON, AND COLD WATER WOULD COME OUT, AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE LEFT ONE, AND HOT WATER WOULD

OUT, AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE LEFT ONE, AND HOT WATER WOULD COME OUT.

LEFT ONE, AND HOT WATER WOULD COME OUT. AND I CAN REMEMBER HIM ADJUSTING

COME OUT. AND I CAN REMEMBER HIM ADJUSTING THE LEFT ONE TO GET MORE HOT

AND I CAN REMEMBER HIM ADJUSTING THE LEFT ONE TO GET MORE HOT WATER BECAUSE YOU COULD USE THE

THE LEFT ONE TO GET MORE HOT WATER BECAUSE YOU COULD USE THE TWO SPIGOTS TO...

WATER BECAUSE YOU COULD USE THE TWO SPIGOTS TO... SUPER.

TWO SPIGOTS TO... SUPER. CAN I COME ON NOW TO A SECOND

SUPER. CAN I COME ON NOW TO A SECOND QUESTION, IF I MAY, PLEASE, MR.

CAN I COME ON NOW TO A SECOND QUESTION, IF I MAY, PLEASE, MR. NIXON?

QUESTION, IF I MAY, PLEASE, MR. NIXON? NOW, THE THING WAS, YOU COULD

NIXON? NOW, THE THING WAS, YOU COULD RUN YOUR HAND UNDER THE WATER TO

NOW, THE THING WAS, YOU COULD RUN YOUR HAND UNDER THE WATER TO SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW HOT OR COLD

RUN YOUR HAND UNDER THE WATER TO SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW HOT OR COLD IT WAS.

SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW HOT OR COLD IT WAS. NOW, I REMEMBER MY FATHER HAD A

IT WAS. NOW, I REMEMBER MY FATHER HAD A LITTLE, ROUND...

NOW, I REMEMBER MY FATHER HAD A LITTLE, ROUND... WELL, WHILE THE EX-PRESIDENT

LITTLE, ROUND... WELL, WHILE THE EX-PRESIDENT IS TALKING AND SO ON, LET ME

WELL, WHILE THE EX-PRESIDENT IS TALKING AND SO ON, LET ME JUST REMIND YOU THERE WILL BE

IS TALKING AND SO ON, LET ME JUST REMIND YOU THERE WILL BE ANOTHER 19 HOURS OF THESE TALKS,

JUST REMIND YOU THERE WILL BE ANOTHER 19 HOURS OF THESE TALKS, WHICH WILL BE REALLY

ANOTHER 19 HOURS OF THESE TALKS, WHICH WILL BE REALLY FASCINATING, IN WHICH THE FORMER

WHICH WILL BE REALLY FASCINATING, IN WHICH THE FORMER PRESIDENT WILL BE TALKING AT

FASCINATING, IN WHICH THE FORMER PRESIDENT WILL BE TALKING AT GREAT LENGTH.

PRESIDENT WILL BE TALKING AT GREAT LENGTH. NOW, THIS WAS A SMALL DISK,

GREAT LENGTH. NOW, THIS WAS A SMALL DISK, HE USED TO CALL IT A DRAIN PLUG,

NOW, THIS WAS A SMALL DISK, HE USED TO CALL IT A DRAIN PLUG, AND IT WOULD GO RIGHT IN THE

HE USED TO CALL IT A DRAIN PLUG, AND IT WOULD GO RIGHT IN THE LITTLE HOLE THERE IN THE BOTTOM

AND IT WOULD GO RIGHT IN THE LITTLE HOLE THERE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SINK.

LITTLE HOLE THERE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SINK. SUPER. YES.

OF THE SINK. SUPER. YES. NOW, ANOTHER THING I

SUPER. YES. NOW, ANOTHER THING I REMEMBER...

NOW, ANOTHER THING I REMEMBER... WELL, IT SEEMS THERE'S STILL

REMEMBER... WELL, IT SEEMS THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF TIME BEFORE THE FIRST

WELL, IT SEEMS THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF TIME BEFORE THE FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK.

PLENTY OF TIME BEFORE THE FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK. STOP THE TAPE.

COMMERCIAL BREAK. STOP THE TAPE. STOP THE TAPE.

STOP THE TAPE. STOP THE TAPE. OH, JULIE.

STOP THE TAPE. OH, JULIE. WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE... A

OH, JULIE. WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE... A BIG, WARM WELCOME...

WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE... A BIG, WARM WELCOME... JULIE NIXON.

BIG, WARM WELCOME... JULIE NIXON. SUPER TO SEE YOU.

JULIE NIXON. SUPER TO SEE YOU. COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THE

SUPER TO SEE YOU. COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THE TAPE?

COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THE TAPE? DADDY'S COMING OFF BADLY.

TAPE? DADDY'S COMING OFF BADLY. HELLO, PRINCESS.

DADDY'S COMING OFF BADLY. HELLO, PRINCESS. IT'S WONDERFUL.

HELLO, PRINCESS. IT'S WONDERFUL. IT'S MOST INTERESTING.

IT'S WONDERFUL. IT'S MOST INTERESTING. NO, JUST STOP THE TAPE.

IT'S MOST INTERESTING. NO, JUST STOP THE TAPE. WE HAVE A CONTRACT.

NO, JUST STOP THE TAPE. WE HAVE A CONTRACT. OKAY. FINE, FINE.

WE HAVE A CONTRACT. OKAY. FINE, FINE. YES, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL STOP THE

OKAY. FINE, FINE. YES, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL STOP THE TAPE.

YES, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL STOP THE TAPE. DAVEY, WILL YOU STOP THE TAPE,

TAPE. DAVEY, WILL YOU STOP THE TAPE, PLEASE?

DAVEY, WILL YOU STOP THE TAPE, PLEASE? YES, THE TAPE'S STOPPED, YES.

PLEASE? YES, THE TAPE'S STOPPED, YES. IS IT FOR SURE?

YES, THE TAPE'S STOPPED, YES. IS IT FOR SURE? RIGHT, AND YOU WON'T HAVE THIS

IS IT FOR SURE? RIGHT, AND YOU WON'T HAVE THIS PART IN, WHERE I CAME IN OR

RIGHT, AND YOU WON'T HAVE THIS PART IN, WHERE I CAME IN OR ANYTHING?

PART IN, WHERE I CAME IN OR ANYTHING? OH, NO PROBLEM, THIS WILL ALL

ANYTHING? OH, NO PROBLEM, THIS WILL ALL BE CUT OUT.

OH, NO PROBLEM, THIS WILL ALL BE CUT OUT. YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A TELEVISION

BE CUT OUT. YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A TELEVISION ENTERTAINER THAT THIS BIT WILL

YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A TELEVISION ENTERTAINER THAT THIS BIT WILL NOT APPEAR ON THE TELEVISION

ENTERTAINER THAT THIS BIT WILL NOT APPEAR ON THE TELEVISION SCREENS OF AMERICA.

NOT APPEAR ON THE TELEVISION SCREENS OF AMERICA. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

SCREENS OF AMERICA. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. CALL AGAIN. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. CALL AGAIN. THANK YOU. MM-HMM. HAVE A NICE DAY.

CALL AGAIN. THANK YOU. MM-HMM. HAVE A NICE DAY. OKAY. GO ON.

MM-HMM. HAVE A NICE DAY. OKAY. GO ON. OKAY, PRINCESS.

OKAY. GO ON. OKAY, PRINCESS. WELL, FORMER PRESIDENT,

OKAY, PRINCESS. WELL, FORMER PRESIDENT, WHILST WE'VE CUT THE TAPE AND

WELL, FORMER PRESIDENT, WHILST WE'VE CUT THE TAPE AND WE'RE NOT ON TELEVISION OR

WHILST WE'VE CUT THE TAPE AND WE'RE NOT ON TELEVISION OR RECORDING OR ANYTHING... JUST

WE'RE NOT ON TELEVISION OR RECORDING OR ANYTHING... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, JUST FOR

RECORDING OR ANYTHING... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, JUST FOR PERSONAL INTEREST, AS WE HAVE TO

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, JUST FOR PERSONAL INTEREST, AS WE HAVE TO TALK FOR 20 HOURS TOGETHER...

PERSONAL INTEREST, AS WE HAVE TO TALK FOR 20 HOURS TOGETHER... DID YOU, IN FACT... WERE YOU, IN

TALK FOR 20 HOURS TOGETHER... DID YOU, IN FACT... WERE YOU, IN FACT, BEHIND THE WATERGATE?

DID YOU, IN FACT... WERE YOU, IN FACT, BEHIND THE WATERGATE? WELL, JOHNNY, TO BE PERFECTLY

FACT, BEHIND THE WATERGATE? WELL, JOHNNY, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST AND FRANK WITH YOU... AND

WELL, JOHNNY, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST AND FRANK WITH YOU... AND I'M MOST GRATEFUL FOR THE

HONEST AND FRANK WITH YOU... AND I'M MOST GRATEFUL FOR THE MONEY... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND

I'M MOST GRATEFUL FOR THE MONEY... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, MAN TO MAN, AS IT WERE, I

MONEY... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, MAN TO MAN, AS IT WERE, I GUESS I CAN TELL YOU THAT AS FAR

ME, MAN TO MAN, AS IT WERE, I GUESS I CAN TELL YOU THAT AS FAR AS THE WATERGATE IS CONCERNED, I

GUESS I CAN TELL YOU THAT AS FAR AS THE WATERGATE IS CONCERNED, I WAS COMPLETELY...

AS THE WATERGATE IS CONCERNED, I WAS COMPLETELY... [LOUD BEEPING]

UH, HELLO.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE SEEMS TO

HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF

MYSTERIOUS INTERFERENCE WITH THE

TAPE THERE.

WE SEEM TO HAVE GOT AN 18-MINUTE

GAP.

[CHUCKLES] SUPER.

SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO RIGHT NOW

IS PUT ON AN EXCERPT FROM ONE OF

THE LATER SHOWS OF THE 20 HOURS

OF HISTORIC TALKS, AND THIS ONE

IS REALLY MOST EXCITING.

SO LET'S JUST PUT THAT ON FOR

YOU RIGHT AWAY.

[CHUCKLES] SUPER.

NOW, I CAN REMEMBER ONE MORNING OF 1921, IN PARTICULAR, BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD COOK

MORNING OF 1921, IN PARTICULAR, BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD COOK BREAKFAST.

BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD COOK BREAKFAST. NOW, THIS CONSISTED OF A BOWL OF

BREAKFAST. NOW, THIS CONSISTED OF A BOWL OF CEREAL AND SOME SUGAR AND MILK,

NOW, THIS CONSISTED OF A BOWL OF CEREAL AND SOME SUGAR AND MILK, DEPENDING ON WHETHER...

CEREAL AND SOME SUGAR AND MILK, DEPENDING ON WHETHER... WELL, YOU'RE JOINING US IN

DEPENDING ON WHETHER... WELL, YOU'RE JOINING US IN THE 18th HOUR OF THESE

WELL, YOU'RE JOINING US IN THE 18th HOUR OF THESE EXCITINGLY INTIMATE AND FRANK

THE 18th HOUR OF THESE EXCITINGLY INTIMATE AND FRANK TALKS BETWEEN MYSELF...

EXCITINGLY INTIMATE AND FRANK TALKS BETWEEN MYSELF... DAVID FROST... AND THE FORMER

TALKS BETWEEN MYSELF... DAVID FROST... AND THE FORMER RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON.

DAVID FROST... AND THE FORMER RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON. WHEN THE MEAL...

RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON. WHEN THE MEAL... SO FAR WE'VE COVERED MOST OF

WHEN THE MEAL... SO FAR WE'VE COVERED MOST OF BREAKFAST, APRIL 1921, AND WE'LL

SO FAR WE'VE COVERED MOST OF BREAKFAST, APRIL 1921, AND WE'LL BE HOPING TO COVER THE REST OF

BREAKFAST, APRIL 1921, AND WE'LL BE HOPING TO COVER THE REST OF MR. NIXON'S CAREER IN THE NEXT

BE HOPING TO COVER THE REST OF MR. NIXON'S CAREER IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES.

MR. NIXON'S CAREER IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES. BUT BEFORE WE DO, PAT HERE HAS

FEW MINUTES. BUT BEFORE WE DO, PAT HERE HAS GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW US.

BUT BEFORE WE DO, PAT HERE HAS GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW US. PAT?

GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW US. PAT? SUPPER INSTEAD OF

PAT? SUPPER INSTEAD OF DINNER...

SUPPER INSTEAD OF DINNER... PAT, WAKE UP, PLEASE.

DINNER... PAT, WAKE UP, PLEASE. STOP IT, BABY.

PAT, WAKE UP, PLEASE. STOP IT, BABY. NO, PAT, IT'S ME.

STOP IT, BABY. NO, PAT, IT'S ME. IT'S ME... DAVID, DAVID FROST

NO, PAT, IT'S ME. IT'S ME... DAVID, DAVID FROST FROM ENGLAND.

IT'S ME... DAVID, DAVID FROST FROM ENGLAND. OH, YES, DAVID.

FROM ENGLAND. OH, YES, DAVID. WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING

OH, YES, DAVID. WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SHOW YOU, WHICH I

WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SHOW YOU, WHICH I THINK YOUR VIEWERS WOULD LIKE TO

INTERESTING TO SHOW YOU, WHICH I THINK YOUR VIEWERS WOULD LIKE TO SEE.

THINK YOUR VIEWERS WOULD LIKE TO SEE. SUPER. SUPER.

SEE. SUPER. SUPER. WHAT IS IT?

SUPER. SUPER. WHAT IS IT? WAS NOW ORANGES...

WHAT IS IT? WAS NOW ORANGES... CHECKERS.

WAS NOW ORANGES... CHECKERS. CHECKERS. SUPER.

CHECKERS. CHECKERS. SUPER. HOW WONDERFUL.

CHECKERS. SUPER. HOW WONDERFUL. YES, WHEN HE PASSED ON,

HOW WONDERFUL. YES, WHEN HE PASSED ON, RICHARD HAD HIM STUFFED.

YES, WHEN HE PASSED ON, RICHARD HAD HIM STUFFED. AND WHEN RICHARD PASSES ON, HE'S

RICHARD HAD HIM STUFFED. AND WHEN RICHARD PASSES ON, HE'S ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE HIM...

AND WHEN RICHARD PASSES ON, HE'S ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE HIM... STUFFED?

ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE HIM... STUFFED? NO, BURIED NEXT TO CHECKERS.

STUFFED? NO, BURIED NEXT TO CHECKERS. OH, SUPER, YES.

NO, BURIED NEXT TO CHECKERS. OH, SUPER, YES. THIS IS ACTUALLY CHECKERS?

OH, SUPER, YES. THIS IS ACTUALLY CHECKERS? OH, YES. HE'S A GOOD DOG.

THIS IS ACTUALLY CHECKERS? OH, YES. HE'S A GOOD DOG. A LITTLE DOG CALLED

OH, YES. HE'S A GOOD DOG. A LITTLE DOG CALLED CHECKERS.

A LITTLE DOG CALLED CHECKERS. NOW, THIS IS ALL WE RECEIVED

CHECKERS. NOW, THIS IS ALL WE RECEIVED FROM TEXAS... A LITTLE COCKER

NOW, THIS IS ALL WE RECEIVED FROM TEXAS... A LITTLE COCKER SPANIEL.

FROM TEXAS... A LITTLE COCKER SPANIEL. NOW, OUR YOUNG ONE... TRICIA...

SPANIEL. NOW, OUR YOUNG ONE... TRICIA... CALLED IT CHECKERS.

NOW, OUR YOUNG ONE... TRICIA... CALLED IT CHECKERS. THE $18,000... I DON'T THINK THE

CALLED IT CHECKERS. THE $18,000... I DON'T THINK THE SENATOR SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY

THE $18,000... I DON'T THINK THE SENATOR SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY THAT COMES TO HIM.

SENATOR SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY THAT COMES TO HIM. PERSONALLY...

THAT COMES TO HIM. PERSONALLY... MR. NIXON...

PERSONALLY... MR. NIXON... GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND

MR. NIXON... GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY, HENRY, PRAY!

GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY, HENRY, PRAY! YOU LEAD THE PRAYER, HENRY.

PRAY, HENRY, PRAY! YOU LEAD THE PRAYER, HENRY. ME?

YOU LEAD THE PRAYER, HENRY. ME? AL... ALMIGHTY... LOOK, WHY DON'T

ME? AL... ALMIGHTY... LOOK, WHY DON'T WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE BREAK

AL... ALMIGHTY... LOOK, WHY DON'T WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE BREAK RIGHT HERE, RICHARD, AND WE'LL

WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE BREAK RIGHT HERE, RICHARD, AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS.

RIGHT HERE, RICHARD, AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS. WE CAN EDIT THIS.

TALK ABOUT THIS. WE CAN EDIT THIS. DAVEY, THIS IS AN EDIT POINT.

WE CAN EDIT THIS. DAVEY, THIS IS AN EDIT POINT. I'LL JUST DO THE WIND-UP, THEN

DAVEY, THIS IS AN EDIT POINT. I'LL JUST DO THE WIND-UP, THEN WE CAN COME BACK WITH THE

I'LL JUST DO THE WIND-UP, THEN WE CAN COME BACK WITH THE CREDITS, ALL RIGHT?

WE CAN COME BACK WITH THE CREDITS, ALL RIGHT? WE'LL EDIT THIS LATER.

CREDITS, ALL RIGHT? WE'LL EDIT THIS LATER. YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING NUMBER 47

WE'LL EDIT THIS LATER. YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING NUMBER 47 OF THE FROST/NIXON INTERVIEW.

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING NUMBER 47 OF THE FROST/NIXON INTERVIEW. WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH

OF THE FROST/NIXON INTERVIEW. WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF, WHEN WE

WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF, WHEN WE SHOULD BE HOPING TO DEAL WITH

ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF, WHEN WE SHOULD BE HOPING TO DEAL WITH EVENTS AFTER LUNCH, APRIL 1921.

SHOULD BE HOPING TO DEAL WITH EVENTS AFTER LUNCH, APRIL 1921. UNTIL THEN, IT'S "BYE" FROM US.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

THE HOPE OF OUR NATION... OH, UH, WELL, WELCOME BACK TO OUR TELETHON.

OH, UH, WELL, WELCOME BACK TO OUR TELETHON. LET'S GO AND HAVE A LOOK RIGHT

OUR TELETHON. LET'S GO AND HAVE A LOOK RIGHT AT THE BOARD, SEE HOW WE'RE

LET'S GO AND HAVE A LOOK RIGHT AT THE BOARD, SEE HOW WE'RE DOING.

AT THE BOARD, SEE HOW WE'RE DOING. STILL JUST THE $20.

DOING. STILL JUST THE $20. RIGHT, WELL, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES

STILL JUST THE $20. RIGHT, WELL, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING IN, PLEASE, AND WHILST

RIGHT, WELL, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING IN, PLEASE, AND WHILST YOU DO, HERE IS AN ENGLISH

COMING IN, PLEASE, AND WHILST YOU DO, HERE IS AN ENGLISH PERSON TO PLAY FOR YOU.

YOU DO, HERE IS AN ENGLISH PERSON TO PLAY FOR YOU. WILL YOU GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM

PERSON TO PLAY FOR YOU. WILL YOU GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM WELCOME, PLEASE... ALL THE WAY

WILL YOU GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM WELCOME, PLEASE... ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND... TO ALAN PRICE?

WELCOME, PLEASE... ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND... TO ALAN PRICE? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FROM ENGLAND... TO ALAN PRICE? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [ALAN PRICE'S "POOR PEOPLE"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [ALAN PRICE'S "POOR PEOPLE" PLAYING]

[ALAN PRICE'S "POOR PEOPLE" PLAYING] ♪ POOR PEOPLE ARE POOR

[PLAYING] ♪ POOR PEOPLE ARE POOR PEOPLE ♪

♪ POOR PEOPLE ARE POOR PEOPLE ♪ ♪ AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪

PEOPLE ♪ ♪ AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ A MAN'S GOT TO MAKE WHATEVER

♪ AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ A MAN'S GOT TO MAKE WHATEVER HE WANTS ♪

♪ A MAN'S GOT TO MAKE WHATEVER HE WANTS ♪ ♪ AND TAKE IT WITH HIS OWN

HE WANTS ♪ ♪ AND TAKE IT WITH HIS OWN HANDS ♪

♪ AND TAKE IT WITH HIS OWN HANDS ♪ ♪ POOR PEOPLE STAY POOR

HANDS ♪ ♪ POOR PEOPLE STAY POOR PEOPLE ♪

♪ POOR PEOPLE STAY POOR PEOPLE ♪ ♪ AND THEY NEVER GET TO SEE ♪

PEOPLE ♪ ♪ AND THEY NEVER GET TO SEE ♪ ♪ THAT SOMEONE'S GOT TO WIN IN

♪ AND THEY NEVER GET TO SEE ♪ ♪ THAT SOMEONE'S GOT TO WIN IN THE HUMAN RACE ♪

♪ THAT SOMEONE'S GOT TO WIN IN THE HUMAN RACE ♪ ♪ IF IT ISN'T YOU, THEN IT HAS

THE HUMAN RACE ♪ ♪ IF IT ISN'T YOU, THEN IT HAS TO BE ME ♪

♪ IF IT ISN'T YOU, THEN IT HAS TO BE ME ♪ ♪ SO SMILE WHILE YOU'RE MAKING

TO BE ME ♪ ♪ SO SMILE WHILE YOU'RE MAKING IT ♪

♪ SO SMILE WHILE YOU'RE MAKING IT ♪ ♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE TAKIN IT ♪

IT ♪ ♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE TAKIN IT ♪ ♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAKIN IT ♪

♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE TAKIN IT ♪ ♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAKIN IT ♪ ♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAKIN IT ♪ ♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ IT'S NO USE MUMBLING ♪

♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ IT'S NO USE MUMBLING ♪ ♪ IT'S NO USE GRUMBLING ♪

♪ IT'S NO USE MUMBLING ♪ ♪ IT'S NO USE GRUMBLING ♪ ♪ LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR ♪

♪ IT'S NO USE GRUMBLING ♪ ♪ LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO EASY WAYS ♪

♪ LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO EASY WAYS ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO EASY DAYS ♪

♪ THERE'S NO EASY WAYS ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO EASY DAYS ♪ ♪ JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT ♪

♪ THERE'S NO EASY DAYS ♪ ♪ JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT ♪ ♪ AND SING AND THEY'LL SING YOUR

♪ JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT ♪ ♪ AND SING AND THEY'LL SING YOUR SONG ♪

♪ AND SING AND THEY'LL SING YOUR SONG ♪ ♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE GETTING

SONG ♪ ♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE GETTING ON ♪

♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE GETTING ON ♪ ♪ SMILE AND THEY'LL STRING

ON ♪ ♪ SMILE AND THEY'LL STRING ALONG ♪

♪ SMILE AND THEY'LL STRING ALONG ♪ ♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

ALONG ♪ ♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ MMM MMM MM-MMM MM-MMM ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ MMM MMM MM-MMM MM-MMM ♪ ♪ HMM HMM HMM ♪

♪ MMM MMM MM-MMM MM-MMM ♪ ♪ HMM HMM HMM ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ HMM HMM HMM ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ [FINALE PLAYS]

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOT MANY PEOPLE REALIZE THAT BODY LANGUAGE IS AS IMPORTANT TO US AS SPEECH.

BODY LANGUAGE IS AS IMPORTANT TO US AS SPEECH. UNCONSCIOUSLY, WE READ WHAT

US AS SPEECH. UNCONSCIOUSLY, WE READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY SAYING BY

UNCONSCIOUSLY, WE READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY SAYING BY THEIR BODY LANGUAGE.

PEOPLE ARE REALLY SAYING BY THEIR BODY LANGUAGE. FOR EXAMPLE, LOOK AT THE WAY

THEIR BODY LANGUAGE. FOR EXAMPLE, LOOK AT THE WAY THIS MAN'S BODY SAYS, "I AM

FOR EXAMPLE, LOOK AT THE WAY THIS MAN'S BODY SAYS, "I AM UNHAPPY.

THIS MAN'S BODY SAYS, "I AM UNHAPPY. I AM MISERABLE AND TENSE AND

UNHAPPY. I AM MISERABLE AND TENSE AND LONELY."

I AM MISERABLE AND TENSE AND LONELY." NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

LONELY." NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A PRETTY GIRL COMES ALONG.

NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A PRETTY GIRL COMES ALONG. THE GIRL'S BODY LANGUAGE SAYS

A PRETTY GIRL COMES ALONG. THE GIRL'S BODY LANGUAGE SAYS THAT SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING

THE GIRL'S BODY LANGUAGE SAYS THAT SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT EVENING APART FROM WATCHING

THAT SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT EVENING APART FROM WATCHING TELEVISION AND MAYBE WASHING HER

THAT EVENING APART FROM WATCHING TELEVISION AND MAYBE WASHING HER HAIR.

TELEVISION AND MAYBE WASHING HER HAIR. THE MAN FIRST SIGNALS THAT HE IS

HAIR. THE MAN FIRST SIGNALS THAT HE IS INTERESTED...

THE MAN FIRST SIGNALS THAT HE IS INTERESTED... AND THEN VERY INTERESTED.

INTERESTED... AND THEN VERY INTERESTED. THE WOMAN SIGNALS THAT SHE, TOO,

AND THEN VERY INTERESTED. THE WOMAN SIGNALS THAT SHE, TOO, IS INTERESTED, BUT HAS A DENTAL

THE WOMAN SIGNALS THAT SHE, TOO, IS INTERESTED, BUT HAS A DENTAL APPOINTMENT.

IS INTERESTED, BUT HAS A DENTAL APPOINTMENT. THE MAN, HOWEVER, BECOMES

APPOINTMENT. THE MAN, HOWEVER, BECOMES NERVOUS AND EMBARRASSED.

THE MAN, HOWEVER, BECOMES NERVOUS AND EMBARRASSED. AND, ALAS, THE FEMALE FEELS

NERVOUS AND EMBARRASSED. AND, ALAS, THE FEMALE FEELS REJECTED AND GOES AWAY MISERABLE

AND, ALAS, THE FEMALE FEELS REJECTED AND GOES AWAY MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY.

REJECTED AND GOES AWAY MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY. THIS MAN WANTS TO VISIT THE

AND UNHAPPY. THIS MAN WANTS TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.

THIS MAN WANTS TO VISIT THE BATHROOM. SEE HOW HIS BODY TELLS US THIS.

BATHROOM. SEE HOW HIS BODY TELLS US THIS. THIS MAN WISHES THAT HE WERE

SEE HOW HIS BODY TELLS US THIS. THIS MAN WISHES THAT HE WERE BETTER INSURED.

THIS MAN WISHES THAT HE WERE BETTER INSURED. SEE WHAT A SIMPLE PREY HE IS FOR

BETTER INSURED. SEE WHAT A SIMPLE PREY HE IS FOR A CLEVER INSURANCE SALESMAN WHO

SEE WHAT A SIMPLE PREY HE IS FOR A CLEVER INSURANCE SALESMAN WHO CAN READ BODY LANGUAGE.

A CLEVER INSURANCE SALESMAN WHO CAN READ BODY LANGUAGE. A QUICK PIECE OF BUSINESS, AND

CAN READ BODY LANGUAGE. A QUICK PIECE OF BUSINESS, AND THE DEAL IS DONE.

A QUICK PIECE OF BUSINESS, AND THE DEAL IS DONE. HE CAN NOW CROSS THE ROAD WITH

THE DEAL IS DONE. HE CAN NOW CROSS THE ROAD WITH COMPLETE PEACE OF MIND.

HE CAN NOW CROSS THE ROAD WITH COMPLETE PEACE OF MIND. [TIRES SCREECHING]

COMPLETE PEACE OF MIND. [TIRES SCREECHING] [THUD!]

[TIRES SCREECHING] [THUD!] THIS MAN IS A FOREIGNER.

[THUD!] THIS MAN IS A FOREIGNER. SEE HOW HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS

THIS MAN IS A FOREIGNER. SEE HOW HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS DIFFERENT.

SEE HOW HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS DIFFERENT. HE IS ASKING THE WAY TO A

DIFFERENT. HE IS ASKING THE WAY TO A RESTAURANT, BUT THE PASSERBY

HE IS ASKING THE WAY TO A RESTAURANT, BUT THE PASSERBY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HIM...

RESTAURANT, BUT THE PASSERBY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HIM... [GUNSHOT]

DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HIM... [GUNSHOT] AND SHOOTS HIM.

[GUNSHOT] AND SHOOTS HIM. HERE ARE SOME MORE COMMON

AND SHOOTS HIM. HERE ARE SOME MORE COMMON EXAMPLES OF BODY LANGUAGE.

HERE ARE SOME MORE COMMON EXAMPLES OF BODY LANGUAGE. "I AM DRUNK."

EXAMPLES OF BODY LANGUAGE. "I AM DRUNK." "I AM STONED."

"I AM DRUNK." "I AM STONED." "I AM A KLUTZ."

"I AM STONED." "I AM A KLUTZ." "I HAVE TERRIBLE ACNE."

"I AM A KLUTZ." "I HAVE TERRIBLE ACNE." "I AM AVAILABLE FOR

"I HAVE TERRIBLE ACNE." "I AM AVAILABLE FOR SOPHISTICATED SEXUAL ACTIVITY

"I AM AVAILABLE FOR SOPHISTICATED SEXUAL ACTIVITY AT A REASONABLE RATE, TO BE

SOPHISTICATED SEXUAL ACTIVITY AT A REASONABLE RATE, TO BE DETERMINED BY MUTUAL,

AT A REASONABLE RATE, TO BE DETERMINED BY MUTUAL, FREE-EXCHANGE, OPEN-MARKET

DETERMINED BY MUTUAL, FREE-EXCHANGE, OPEN-MARKET BARGAINING."

FREE-EXCHANGE, OPEN-MARKET BARGAINING." "I AM A LOONY."

BARGAINING." "I AM A LOONY." "I AM DEAD."

"I AM A LOONY." "I AM DEAD." BODY LANGUAGE... MAYBE IF WE

"I AM DEAD." BODY LANGUAGE... MAYBE IF WE COULD ALL READ IT, THE WORLD

BODY LANGUAGE... MAYBE IF WE COULD ALL READ IT, THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN. BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEWS,

JANE CURTIN. BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEWS, I'D LIKE TO MENTION THAT THE

BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEWS, I'D LIKE TO MENTION THAT THE COVETED PULITZER PRIZES WERE

I'D LIKE TO MENTION THAT THE COVETED PULITZER PRIZES WERE AWARDED THIS WEEK, AND THE

COVETED PULITZER PRIZES WERE AWARDED THIS WEEK, AND THE PULITZER PRIZE IN BROADCAST

AWARDED THIS WEEK, AND THE PULITZER PRIZE IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM WAS WON BY...

PULITZER PRIZE IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM WAS WON BY... GUESS WHO... OUR OWN

JOURNALISM WAS WON BY... GUESS WHO... OUR OWN "WEEKEND UPDATE."

GUESS WHO... OUR OWN "WEEKEND UPDATE." THE AWARD IS FOR SUPERIOR

"WEEKEND UPDATE." THE AWARD IS FOR SUPERIOR ACHIEVEMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND

THE AWARD IS FOR SUPERIOR ACHIEVEMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND ACCURACY IN REPORTING.

ACHIEVEMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND ACCURACY IN REPORTING. I'D LIKE TO THANK THE JUDGES FOR

ACCURACY IN REPORTING. I'D LIKE TO THANK THE JUDGES FOR THIS HONOR, AND WE'LL TRY TO

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE JUDGES FOR THIS HONOR, AND WE'LL TRY TO LIVE UP TO IT.

THIS HONOR, AND WE'LL TRY TO LIVE UP TO IT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

LIVE UP TO IT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

THANK YOU. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ERIN FLEMING, MANAGER AND

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ERIN FLEMING, MANAGER AND COMPANION OF VETERAN COMEDIAN

ERIN FLEMING, MANAGER AND COMPANION OF VETERAN COMEDIAN GROUCHO MARX, WAS RELIEVED OF

COMPANION OF VETERAN COMEDIAN GROUCHO MARX, WAS RELIEVED OF HER DUTIES YESTERDAY BY A

GROUCHO MARX, WAS RELIEVED OF HER DUTIES YESTERDAY BY A CALIFORNIA JUDGE, PENDING A

HER DUTIES YESTERDAY BY A CALIFORNIA JUDGE, PENDING A COURT HEARING NEXT MONTH.

CALIFORNIA JUDGE, PENDING A COURT HEARING NEXT MONTH. MISS FLEMING, IN AN EFFORT TO

COURT HEARING NEXT MONTH. MISS FLEMING, IN AN EFFORT TO ELUDE REPORTERS AND

MISS FLEMING, IN AN EFFORT TO ELUDE REPORTERS AND PHOTOGRAPHERS, HAS ADOPTED A

ELUDE REPORTERS AND PHOTOGRAPHERS, HAS ADOPTED A DISGUISE IN HOPES OF MAINTAINING

PHOTOGRAPHERS, HAS ADOPTED A DISGUISE IN HOPES OF MAINTAINING HER PRIVACY.

DISGUISE IN HOPES OF MAINTAINING HER PRIVACY. SHE'S ALSO FILED AN APPLICATION

HER PRIVACY. SHE'S ALSO FILED AN APPLICATION TO LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO

SHE'S ALSO FILED AN APPLICATION TO LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO "FLEMMO."

TO LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO "FLEMMO." AT A FUND-RAISING DINNER IN

"FLEMMO." AT A FUND-RAISING DINNER IN NEW YORK, FORMER CONGRESSWOMAN

AT A FUND-RAISING DINNER IN NEW YORK, FORMER CONGRESSWOMAN BELA ABZUG THREW UP ON

NEW YORK, FORMER CONGRESSWOMAN BELA ABZUG THREW UP ON WALTER CRONKITE'S FORK AS A

BELA ABZUG THREW UP ON WALTER CRONKITE'S FORK AS A PROTEST AGAINST WHAT SHE LABELED

WALTER CRONKITE'S FORK AS A PROTEST AGAINST WHAT SHE LABELED THE "MALE-DOMINATED TV NEWS

PROTEST AGAINST WHAT SHE LABELED THE "MALE-DOMINATED TV NEWS ESTABLISHMENT."

THE "MALE-DOMINATED TV NEWS ESTABLISHMENT." ALEX HALEY, AUTHOR OF THE

ESTABLISHMENT." ALEX HALEY, AUTHOR OF THE BEST-SELLING "ROOTS," HAS BEEN

ALEX HALEY, AUTHOR OF THE BEST-SELLING "ROOTS," HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MATERIAL

BEST-SELLING "ROOTS," HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MATERIAL FROM EXISTING WORKS BY TWO OTHER

ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MATERIAL FROM EXISTING WORKS BY TWO OTHER AUTHORS, MARGARET ALEXANDER'S

FROM EXISTING WORKS BY TWO OTHER AUTHORS, MARGARET ALEXANDER'S "JUBILEE" AND

AUTHORS, MARGARET ALEXANDER'S "JUBILEE" AND HAROLD COURLANDER'S

"JUBILEE" AND HAROLD COURLANDER'S "THE AFRICAN."

HAROLD COURLANDER'S "THE AFRICAN." HALEY CLAIMS IT'S JUST A

"THE AFRICAN." HALEY CLAIMS IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE, AND, SHRUGGING OFF

HALEY CLAIMS IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE, AND, SHRUGGING OFF THE CHARGES, HE WENT BACK TO

COINCIDENCE, AND, SHRUGGING OFF THE CHARGES, HE WENT BACK TO FINISHING HIS NEW NOVEL,

THE CHARGES, HE WENT BACK TO FINISHING HIS NEW NOVEL, "MOBY DICK."

FINISHING HIS NEW NOVEL, "MOBY DICK." THAT GIANT ICEBERG WHICH BROKE

"MOBY DICK." THAT GIANT ICEBERG WHICH BROKE OFF ANTARCTICA IS MOVING

THAT GIANT ICEBERG WHICH BROKE OFF ANTARCTICA IS MOVING NORTHWARD, TOWARD SOUTH AMERICA.

OFF ANTARCTICA IS MOVING NORTHWARD, TOWARD SOUTH AMERICA. NASA RELEASED THIS PICTURE,

NORTHWARD, TOWARD SOUTH AMERICA. NASA RELEASED THIS PICTURE, CLAIMING IT WAS A SATELLITE

NASA RELEASED THIS PICTURE, CLAIMING IT WAS A SATELLITE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE 45-BY-25-MILE

CLAIMING IT WAS A SATELLITE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE 45-BY-25-MILE ICEBERG, BUT OUR SOURCES REPORT

PHOTOGRAPH OF THE 45-BY-25-MILE ICEBERG, BUT OUR SOURCES REPORT IT IS ACTUALLY AN AERIAL SHOT OF

ICEBERG, BUT OUR SOURCES REPORT IT IS ACTUALLY AN AERIAL SHOT OF IDI AMIN'S WASSERMAN TEST.

IT IS ACTUALLY AN AERIAL SHOT OF IDI AMIN'S WASSERMAN TEST. MORE ON THIS CONDITION AS IT

IDI AMIN'S WASSERMAN TEST. MORE ON THIS CONDITION AS IT DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS CONDITION AS IT DEVELOPS. WELL, A PHILADELPHIA MAN HAS

DEVELOPS. WELL, A PHILADELPHIA MAN HAS FILED A $2 MILLION MALPRACTICE

WELL, A PHILADELPHIA MAN HAS FILED A $2 MILLION MALPRACTICE SUIT AGAINST HIS PLASTIC

FILED A $2 MILLION MALPRACTICE SUIT AGAINST HIS PLASTIC SURGEON.

SUIT AGAINST HIS PLASTIC SURGEON. THE SURGEON, SHOWN HERE, SAYS,

SURGEON. THE SURGEON, SHOWN HERE, SAYS, "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HIM

THE SURGEON, SHOWN HERE, SAYS, "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HIM LOOK NORMAL."

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HIM LOOK NORMAL." AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL

LOOK NORMAL." AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL BY CORRESPONDENT BILL MURRAY.

AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL BY CORRESPONDENT BILL MURRAY. THANK YOU, JANE.

BY CORRESPONDENT BILL MURRAY. THANK YOU, JANE. IN A LANDMARK RULING THIS WEEK,

THANK YOU, JANE. IN A LANDMARK RULING THIS WEEK, THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT

IN A LANDMARK RULING THIS WEEK, THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT DECLARED THAT THE SPANKING OF

THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT DECLARED THAT THE SPANKING OF SCHOOLCHILDREN BY TEACHERS OR

DECLARED THAT THE SPANKING OF SCHOOLCHILDREN BY TEACHERS OR OTHER SCHOOL OFFICIALS IS

SCHOOLCHILDREN BY TEACHERS OR OTHER SCHOOL OFFICIALS IS CONSTITUTIONAL.

THIS 5-4 ENDORSEMENT OF

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT SHOULD NOT

BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, THAT YOU

ARE A FIFTH-GRADE TEACHER AND

YOUR CLASS IS LINED UP FOR A

FIRE DRILL, AND AN 11-YEAR-OLD

GIRL IN THE CLASS TALKS TO HER

NEIGHBOR... NO BIG CRIME.

CHILDREN ARE AT TIMES UNRULY, BUT PERHAPS SHE SHOULD BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

BUT PERHAPS SHE SHOULD BE TAUGHT A LESSON. OKAY, HAVE HER STAY AFTER

A LESSON. OKAY, HAVE HER STAY AFTER SCHOOL.

OKAY, HAVE HER STAY AFTER SCHOOL. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HUMILIATE

SCHOOL. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HUMILIATE HER IN FRONT OF HER CLASSMATES.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HUMILIATE HER IN FRONT OF HER CLASSMATES. THEN TAKE THE CHILD... SO PURE,

HER IN FRONT OF HER CLASSMATES. THEN TAKE THE CHILD... SO PURE, SO FRAIL, SO UNSUSPECTING... AND

THEN TAKE THE CHILD... SO PURE, SO FRAIL, SO UNSUSPECTING... AND PUT HER OVER YOUR KNEE GENTLY,

SO FRAIL, SO UNSUSPECTING... AND PUT HER OVER YOUR KNEE GENTLY, EVER SO GENTLY.

PUT HER OVER YOUR KNEE GENTLY, EVER SO GENTLY. BUT FIRST YOUR MIND WANDERS, AND

EVER SO GENTLY. BUT FIRST YOUR MIND WANDERS, AND IMAGES OF SUNNY SUNDAYS AND

BUT FIRST YOUR MIND WANDERS, AND IMAGES OF SUNNY SUNDAYS AND BREAKFAST WITH MOM AND DAD,

IMAGES OF SUNNY SUNDAYS AND BREAKFAST WITH MOM AND DAD, WALKS IN THE PARK WITH GRAMPS...

BREAKFAST WITH MOM AND DAD, WALKS IN THE PARK WITH GRAMPS... LOVE, SO MUCH LOVE.

WALKS IN THE PARK WITH GRAMPS... LOVE, SO MUCH LOVE. THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MADE FUN OF

LOVE, SO MUCH LOVE. THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MADE FUN OF YOU, AND THEY CALLED YOU

THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MADE FUN OF YOU, AND THEY CALLED YOU "SISSY."

YOU, AND THEY CALLED YOU "SISSY." AND THE BOYS LAUGHED AT YOU IN

"SISSY." AND THE BOYS LAUGHED AT YOU IN GYM CLASS, AND THEY SAID YOU

AND THE BOYS LAUGHED AT YOU IN GYM CLASS, AND THEY SAID YOU WEREN'T AS MASCULINE AS THEY

GYM CLASS, AND THEY SAID YOU WEREN'T AS MASCULINE AS THEY WERE.

WEREN'T AS MASCULINE AS THEY WERE. YOU COULDN'T CLIMB THE ROPES.

WERE. YOU COULDN'T CLIMB THE ROPES. AND THE SHOWERS, OF COURSE, WERE

YOU COULDN'T CLIMB THE ROPES. AND THE SHOWERS, OF COURSE, WERE THE HARDEST.

AND THE SHOWERS, OF COURSE, WERE THE HARDEST. "BALD BILLY," THEY CALLED YOU.

THE HARDEST. "BALD BILLY," THEY CALLED YOU. BUT THE GIRLS... THE GIRLS,

"BALD BILLY," THEY CALLED YOU. BUT THE GIRLS... THE GIRLS, THEY LAUGHED THE HARDEST,

BUT THE GIRLS... THE GIRLS, THEY LAUGHED THE HARDEST, GIGGLING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND

THEY LAUGHED THE HARDEST, GIGGLING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND POINTING AT YOU.

GIGGLING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND POINTING AT YOU. "BILLY, BILLY, WHAT'S THE

POINTING AT YOU. "BILLY, BILLY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

"BILLY, BILLY, WHAT'S THE MATTER? THE BOYS WON'T PLAY BASEBALL

MATTER? THE BOYS WON'T PLAY BASEBALL WITH YOU!"

THE BOYS WON'T PLAY BASEBALL WITH YOU!" THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'D CALL

WITH YOU!" THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'D CALL THEM, ASK THEM ON DATES, BUT

THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'D CALL THEM, ASK THEM ON DATES, BUT STILL THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED

THEM, ASK THEM ON DATES, BUT STILL THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.

STILL THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. AND YOU ENDED AT HOME ON

AND LAUGHED. AND YOU ENDED AT HOME ON SATURDAY NIGHT, WATCHING

AND YOU ENDED AT HOME ON SATURDAY NIGHT, WATCHING WRESTLING ON TV.

SATURDAY NIGHT, WATCHING WRESTLING ON TV. AND THEN GRAMPS DIED.

WRESTLING ON TV. AND THEN GRAMPS DIED. THEN MOM... WELL, SHE LEFT DAD

AND THEN GRAMPS DIED. THEN MOM... WELL, SHE LEFT DAD AND MARRIED A GUY WHO LAUGHED

THEN MOM... WELL, SHE LEFT DAD AND MARRIED A GUY WHO LAUGHED WHEN HE HEARD YOU WERE 23 YEARS

AND MARRIED A GUY WHO LAUGHED WHEN HE HEARD YOU WERE 23 YEARS OLD AND YOU'D NEVER BEEN KISSED.

WHEN HE HEARD YOU WERE 23 YEARS OLD AND YOU'D NEVER BEEN KISSED. AND MOM, SHE LAUGHED, TOO, WITH

OLD AND YOU'D NEVER BEEN KISSED. AND MOM, SHE LAUGHED, TOO, WITH THIS WEIRD GUY SHE MARRIED.

AND MOM, SHE LAUGHED, TOO, WITH THIS WEIRD GUY SHE MARRIED. AND YOU SWORE YOU'D GET EVEN,

THIS WEIRD GUY SHE MARRIED. AND YOU SWORE YOU'D GET EVEN, GET EVEN WITH ALL OF THOSE

AND YOU SWORE YOU'D GET EVEN, GET EVEN WITH ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT LAUGHED.

GET EVEN WITH ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT LAUGHED. AND NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

PEOPLE THAT LAUGHED. AND NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. IT TAKES WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN

AND NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. IT TAKES WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY, BUT YOU TAKE THE

IT TAKES WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY, BUT YOU TAKE THE TREMBLING GIRL ON YOUR KNEE AND

ETERNITY, BUT YOU TAKE THE TREMBLING GIRL ON YOUR KNEE AND PULL UP HER DRESS.

TREMBLING GIRL ON YOUR KNEE AND PULL UP HER DRESS. YES, YOU'RE ALMOST HOME NOW.

PULL UP HER DRESS. YES, YOU'RE ALMOST HOME NOW. YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, BUT YOU

YES, YOU'RE ALMOST HOME NOW. YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, BUT YOU MUST CONTINUE.

YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, BUT YOU MUST CONTINUE. AND THEN THE PANTIES... OH, THE

MUST CONTINUE. AND THEN THE PANTIES... OH, THE PANTIES.

AND THEN THE PANTIES... OH, THE PANTIES. THEY'RE WHITE, AND THEY'VE GOT

PANTIES. THEY'RE WHITE, AND THEY'VE GOT PINK OR LIGHT BLUE TRIM.

THEY'RE WHITE, AND THEY'VE GOT PINK OR LIGHT BLUE TRIM. AND YOU TOUCH THE PANTIES, AND

PINK OR LIGHT BLUE TRIM. AND YOU TOUCH THE PANTIES, AND YOU PULL DOWN THE PANTIES.

AND YOU TOUCH THE PANTIES, AND YOU PULL DOWN THE PANTIES. AND THERE ARE FIRM, WHITE MOUNDS

YOU PULL DOWN THE PANTIES. AND THERE ARE FIRM, WHITE MOUNDS OF HEAVEN... SWEET, SWEET, SWEET

AND THERE ARE FIRM, WHITE MOUNDS OF HEAVEN... SWEET, SWEET, SWEET NIRVANA.

OF HEAVEN... SWEET, SWEET, SWEET NIRVANA. THE GIRLS MADE FUN OF ME.

NIRVANA. THE GIRLS MADE FUN OF ME. YEAH, THEY GIGGLED.

THE GIRLS MADE FUN OF ME. YEAH, THEY GIGGLED. THEY POINTED.

YEAH, THEY GIGGLED. THEY POINTED. THEY STOOD ME UP.

THEY POINTED. THEY STOOD ME UP. BUT NOW THEY'LL PAY FOR IT.

THEY STOOD ME UP. BUT NOW THEY'LL PAY FOR IT. AND YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS.

BUT NOW THEY'LL PAY FOR IT. AND YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS. YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS AGAIN AND

AND YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS. YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND YOU HIT THEM UNTIL,

YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND YOU HIT THEM UNTIL, "YOU BEG FOR MERCY!" AND, "ARE

AGAIN, AND YOU HIT THEM UNTIL, "YOU BEG FOR MERCY!" AND, "ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?"

"YOU BEG FOR MERCY!" AND, "ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?" AND YOU'LL SHOW THEM.

YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?" AND YOU'LL SHOW THEM. GRAMPS? HUH?

AND YOU'LL SHOW THEM. GRAMPS? HUH? WHY DID YOU DIE? I MISSED YOU!

GRAMPS? HUH? WHY DID YOU DIE? I MISSED YOU! MOM? WHY DID YOU REMARRY, HUH?

WHY DID YOU DIE? I MISSED YOU! MOM? WHY DID YOU REMARRY, HUH? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?

MOM? WHY DID YOU REMARRY, HUH? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERYBODY

WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, HUH?

WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, HUH? I'LL SHOW YOU WHY!

ELSE, HUH? I'LL SHOW YOU WHY! ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?!

I'LL SHOW YOU WHY! ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?! NO!

ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?! NO! THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR

NO! THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE." BACK TO YOU, JANE.

STILL TO COME, AN ALTERNATIVE TO BREAST-FEEDING, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

TO BREAST-FEEDING, AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [FANFARE PLAYING]

MESSAGE. [FANFARE PLAYING] Announcer: THIS IS THE

[FANFARE PLAYING] Announcer: THIS IS THE BIGGEST PROP EVER MADE FOR A

Announcer: THIS IS THE BIGGEST PROP EVER MADE FOR A COMMERCIAL, AND OXXON PAID FOR

BIGGEST PROP EVER MADE FOR A COMMERCIAL, AND OXXON PAID FOR IT.

COMMERCIAL, AND OXXON PAID FOR IT. THE RISING COST OF OIL

IT. THE RISING COST OF OIL ADVERTISING IS JUST ONE REASON

THE RISING COST OF OIL ADVERTISING IS JUST ONE REASON WHY YOUR ENERGY COSTS MORE.

ADVERTISING IS JUST ONE REASON WHY YOUR ENERGY COSTS MORE. THESE SHOTS ARE TAKEN FROM A

WHY YOUR ENERGY COSTS MORE. THESE SHOTS ARE TAKEN FROM A HELICOPTER.

THESE SHOTS ARE TAKEN FROM A HELICOPTER. YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A

HELICOPTER. YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A HELICOPTER LIKE THIS COSTS TO

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A HELICOPTER LIKE THIS COSTS TO RENT?

HELICOPTER LIKE THIS COSTS TO RENT? AND FOR EVERY FOOT OF FILM THAT

RENT? AND FOR EVERY FOOT OF FILM THAT YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW,

AND FOR EVERY FOOT OF FILM THAT YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW, THERE'S 100 FEET WE DIDN'T USE.

YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW, THERE'S 100 FEET WE DIDN'T USE. THAT'S A LOT OF FILM...

THERE'S 100 FEET WE DIDN'T USE. THAT'S A LOT OF FILM... EXPENSIVE FILM.

THAT'S A LOT OF FILM... EXPENSIVE FILM. LOOK AT THIS SET... VERY

EXPENSIVE FILM. LOOK AT THIS SET... VERY EXPENSIVE... AND WE HAVE TO USE

LOOK AT THIS SET... VERY EXPENSIVE... AND WE HAVE TO USE ALL UNION ACTORS AND AN

EXPENSIVE... AND WE HAVE TO USE ALL UNION ACTORS AND AN ALL-UNION CREW TO SHOOT THESE

ALL UNION ACTORS AND AN ALL-UNION CREW TO SHOOT THESE THINGS.

ALL-UNION CREW TO SHOOT THESE THINGS. AND WE'VE GOT TO FEED THESE

THINGS. AND WE'VE GOT TO FEED THESE PEOPLE... NOT JUST SPAGHETTI,

AND WE'VE GOT TO FEED THESE PEOPLE... NOT JUST SPAGHETTI, BUT MEAT.

PEOPLE... NOT JUST SPAGHETTI, BUT MEAT. JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY EAT.

BUT MEAT. JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY EAT. AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME, THE

JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY EAT. AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME, THE GUY WHO NARRATES THESE THINGS.

AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME, THE GUY WHO NARRATES THESE THINGS. I GET PAID, TOO.

GUY WHO NARRATES THESE THINGS. I GET PAID, TOO. AND ONCE THE COMMERCIAL'S MADE,

I GET PAID, TOO. AND ONCE THE COMMERCIAL'S MADE, THE COST JUST BEGINS.

AND ONCE THE COMMERCIAL'S MADE, THE COST JUST BEGINS. WE'VE GOT TO PAY UP TO $100,000

THE COST JUST BEGINS. WE'VE GOT TO PAY UP TO $100,000 A MINUTE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE

WE'VE GOT TO PAY UP TO $100,000 A MINUTE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE THIS.

A MINUTE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE THIS. SO NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT

THIS. SO NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT OIL PRICES, TURN ON YOUR TV AND

SO NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT OIL PRICES, TURN ON YOUR TV AND WATCH AN EXPENSIVE OIL

OIL PRICES, TURN ON YOUR TV AND WATCH AN EXPENSIVE OIL COMMERCIAL LIKE THIS ONE.

SOVIET COMMUNIST PARTY CHIEF LEONID BREZHNEV SURPRISED THE WORLD THIS WEEK.

LEONID BREZHNEV SURPRISED THE WORLD THIS WEEK. MARY POPPINS' HUSBAND,

WORLD THIS WEEK. MARY POPPINS' HUSBAND, MARTY POPPINS, HAS BEEN SIGNED

MARY POPPINS' HUSBAND, MARTY POPPINS, HAS BEEN SIGNED AS SHORTSTOP BY THE

MARTY POPPINS, HAS BEEN SIGNED AS SHORTSTOP BY THE MINNESOTA TWINS.

AS SHORTSTOP BY THE MINNESOTA TWINS. MARTY IS SHOWN HERE LANDING IN

MINNESOTA TWINS. MARTY IS SHOWN HERE LANDING IN THE STADIUM JUST IN TIME TO

MARTY IS SHOWN HERE LANDING IN THE STADIUM JUST IN TIME TO FIELD THE GROUND BALL AND THROW

THE STADIUM JUST IN TIME TO FIELD THE GROUND BALL AND THROW THE RUNNER OUT AT FIRST.

FIELD THE GROUND BALL AND THROW THE RUNNER OUT AT FIRST. A CAPACITY CROWD OF 55,000

THE RUNNER OUT AT FIRST. A CAPACITY CROWD OF 55,000 SALUTED HIM BY SINGING TWO

A CAPACITY CROWD OF 55,000 SALUTED HIM BY SINGING TWO CHORUSES OF "CHIM CHIM CHER-EE."

SALUTED HIM BY SINGING TWO CHORUSES OF "CHIM CHIM CHER-EE." AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S

CHORUSES OF "CHIM CHIM CHER-EE." AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL REPLY BY

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL REPLY BY EMILY LITELLA.

EDITORIAL REPLY BY EMILY LITELLA. HI.

EMILY LITELLA. HI. THANK YOU.

HI. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, JANE.

TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS

CONCERNED WITH AIR SOLUTION.

NOW, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I HEAR

ABOUT AIR SOLUTION?

I DON'T... OH, GOD. [LAUGHS] I CAN'T...

[LAUGHS] I CAN'T... [LAUGHS]

I CAN'T... [LAUGHS] WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

[LAUGHS] WHAT'S SO FUNNY? [LAUGHS]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY? [LAUGHS] THAT WAS THE WORST JOKE I EVER

[LAUGHS] THAT WAS THE WORST JOKE I EVER MADE.

THAT WAS THE WORST JOKE I EVER MADE. IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE!

MADE. IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE! I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT.

IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE! I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? OH, I'M SORRY, MISS CURTIN.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? OH, I'M SORRY, MISS CURTIN. I'M JUST NOT MYSELF.

OH, I'M SORRY, MISS CURTIN. I'M JUST NOT MYSELF. I'M QUITE PREOCCUPIED.

I'M JUST NOT MYSELF. I'M QUITE PREOCCUPIED. PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT?

I'M QUITE PREOCCUPIED. PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT? OH, MY MAN! MY MAN!

PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT? OH, MY MAN! MY MAN! OH! YOU KNOW, MY JUICES ARE ALL

OH, MY MAN! MY MAN! OH! YOU KNOW, MY JUICES ARE ALL FLOWING!

OH! YOU KNOW, MY JUICES ARE ALL FLOWING! I'M ALL JUICED UP!

FLOWING! I'M ALL JUICED UP! WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?

I'M ALL JUICED UP! WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY? TOM SNYDER!

WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY? TOM SNYDER! TOM SNYDER?

TOM SNYDER! TOM SNYDER? YOU, EMILY LITELLA, ARE IN LOVE

TOM SNYDER? YOU, EMILY LITELLA, ARE IN LOVE WITH TOM SNYDER.

YOU, EMILY LITELLA, ARE IN LOVE WITH TOM SNYDER. WHAT A HUNK!

WITH TOM SNYDER. WHAT A HUNK! WELL, I GUESS HE'S APPEALING,

WHAT A HUNK! WELL, I GUESS HE'S APPEALING, BUT, UH, I'D NEVER TRUST HIM.

WELL, I GUESS HE'S APPEALING, BUT, UH, I'D NEVER TRUST HIM. BESIDES, HE'S GOING TO

BUT, UH, I'D NEVER TRUST HIM. BESIDES, HE'S GOING TO CALIFORNIA ANYWAY.

BESIDES, HE'S GOING TO CALIFORNIA ANYWAY. WELL, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM

CALIFORNIA ANYWAY. WELL, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM THAT WAY.

WELL, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM THAT WAY. I LOVE HIM!

THAT WAY. I LOVE HIM! OH, COME ON, HE'S NOT WORTH

I LOVE HIM! OH, COME ON, HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

OH, COME ON, HE'S NOT WORTH IT. LOOK AT HIS HAIR!

IT. LOOK AT HIS HAIR! HE'LL ONLY HURT YOU.

LOOK AT HIS HAIR! HE'LL ONLY HURT YOU. I LOVE HIM!

HE'LL ONLY HURT YOU. I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM!

I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM!

I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! ♪ AND WHERE HE GOES, I'LL

I LOVE HIM! ♪ AND WHERE HE GOES, I'LL SWALLOW ♪

♪ AND WHERE HE GOES, I'LL SWALLOW ♪ ♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪

SWALLOW ♪ ♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪ ♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪

♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪ ♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪ ♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪ ♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY TRUE LOVE ♪ ♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY TRUE LOVE ♪ ♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪ ♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪ ♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪ ♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER ♪

♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪ ♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER ♪ ♪ FOREVER ♪

♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER ♪ ♪ FOREVER ♪ ♪ FOREVER ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪ ♪ FOREVER ♪ ♪ I WILL SWALLOW HIM ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪ ♪ I WILL SWALLOW HIM ♪ EMILY?

♪ I WILL SWALLOW HIM ♪ EMILY? EMILY?

EMILY? EMILY? ♪ THERE ISN'T... ♪

EMILY? ♪ THERE ISN'T... ♪ EMILY!

♪ THERE ISN'T... ♪ EMILY! WHAT?

EMILY! WHAT? THAT'S "I WILL FOLLOW HIM"...

WHAT? THAT'S "I WILL FOLLOW HIM"... NOT "SWALLOW HIM," "FOLLOW HIM."

THAT'S "I WILL FOLLOW HIM"... NOT "SWALLOW HIM," "FOLLOW HIM." OH!

NOT "SWALLOW HIM," "FOLLOW HIM." OH! WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.

OH! WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT. THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.

WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT. THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT. TOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING... NEVER

THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT. TOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING... NEVER MIND.

TOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING... NEVER MIND. THAT'S OUR NEWS TONIGHT.

MIND. THAT'S OUR NEWS TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S OUR NEWS TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

[BELL DINGING] AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE COME TO THE MAIN

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE COME TO THE MAIN EVENT OF THE PROGRAM... THE

GENTLEMEN, WE COME TO THE MAIN EVENT OF THE PROGRAM... THE WORLD HEAVY WIT CHAMPIONSHIP

EVENT OF THE PROGRAM... THE WORLD HEAVY WIT CHAMPIONSHIP CONTEST, FEATURING, ON MY LEFT,

WORLD HEAVY WIT CHAMPIONSHIP CONTEST, FEATURING, ON MY LEFT, IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE

CONTEST, FEATURING, ON MY LEFT, IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE CHALLENGER FROM LONDON, ENGLAND,

IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE CHALLENGER FROM LONDON, ENGLAND, EUROPE... AT 140 POUNDS, 15

CHALLENGER FROM LONDON, ENGLAND, EUROPE... AT 140 POUNDS, 15 SHILLINGS, AND 6 PENCE, MR.

EUROPE... AT 140 POUNDS, 15 SHILLINGS, AND 6 PENCE, MR. RAY GRIMWADE!

SHILLINGS, AND 6 PENCE, MR. RAY GRIMWADE! [JEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RAY GRIMWADE! [JEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND ON MY RIGHT, IN THE RED

[JEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND ON MY RIGHT, IN THE RED CORNER, AND FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA,

AND ON MY RIGHT, IN THE RED CORNER, AND FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA, AT 180 POUNDS... WHICH IS

CORNER, AND FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA, AT 180 POUNDS... WHICH IS CURRENTLY $12 IN ENGLISH

AT 180 POUNDS... WHICH IS CURRENTLY $12 IN ENGLISH MONEY... THE HOLDER OF A BLACK

CURRENTLY $12 IN ENGLISH MONEY... THE HOLDER OF A BLACK BORSCHT BELT IN COMEDY, THE

MONEY... THE HOLDER OF A BLACK BORSCHT BELT IN COMEDY, THE UNDISPUTED HEAVY WIT CHAMPION OF

BORSCHT BELT IN COMEDY, THE UNDISPUTED HEAVY WIT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, MOHAMMED STALLION!

UNDISPUTED HEAVY WIT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, MOHAMMED STALLION! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE WORLD, MOHAMMED STALLION! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND OUR REFEREE FOR TONIGHT'S

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND OUR REFEREE FOR TONIGHT'S MATCH WILL BE REG McQUADE.

AND OUR REFEREE FOR TONIGHT'S MATCH WILL BE REG McQUADE. WELL, GOOD EVENING FROM ME,

MATCH WILL BE REG McQUADE. WELL, GOOD EVENING FROM ME, EVERYBODY.

WELL, GOOD EVENING FROM ME, EVERYBODY. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO

EVERYBODY. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO HAVE MET IN THE RING.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO HAVE MET IN THE RING. THEY MET ONCE BEFORE IN THE

HAVE MET IN THE RING. THEY MET ONCE BEFORE IN THE LOBBY OF THE ALGONQUIN HOTEL AND

THEY MET ONCE BEFORE IN THE LOBBY OF THE ALGONQUIN HOTEL AND ONCE AT MY PLACE, BUT THAT'S

LOBBY OF THE ALGONQUIN HOTEL AND ONCE AT MY PLACE, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY AND DOESN'T MATTER

ONCE AT MY PLACE, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY AND DOESN'T MATTER TONIGHT.

ANOTHER STORY AND DOESN'T MATTER TONIGHT. THE ENGLISHMAN HAS HAD 24

TONIGHT. THE ENGLISHMAN HAS HAD 24 PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH

THE ENGLISHMAN HAS HAD 24 PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH HE'S WON 20, HAD 3 DEFEATS, AND

PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH HE'S WON 20, HAD 3 DEFEATS, AND ONE RAN AWAY.

HE'S WON 20, HAD 3 DEFEATS, AND ONE RAN AWAY. THE CHAMP HAS HAD 28

ONE RAN AWAY. THE CHAMP HAS HAD 28 PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH

THE CHAMP HAS HAD 28 PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH HE'S WON 26, 2 FATALLY.

PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH HE'S WON 26, 2 FATALLY. IN HIS LAST OUTING, YOU

HE'S WON 26, 2 FATALLY. IN HIS LAST OUTING, YOU REMEMBER, HE WENT THE DISTANCE

IN HIS LAST OUTING, YOU REMEMBER, HE WENT THE DISTANCE WITH HENNY YOUNGMAN... A RATHER

REMEMBER, HE WENT THE DISTANCE WITH HENNY YOUNGMAN... A RATHER DISAPPOINTING PERFORMANCE, BUT

WITH HENNY YOUNGMAN... A RATHER DISAPPOINTING PERFORMANCE, BUT WE HOPE HE'S GONNA DO BETTER

DISAPPOINTING PERFORMANCE, BUT WE HOPE HE'S GONNA DO BETTER TONIGHT, AND YOU CAN SEE HE'S

WE HOPE HE'S GONNA DO BETTER TONIGHT, AND YOU CAN SEE HE'S TRYING TO PSYCH-OUT THE

TONIGHT, AND YOU CAN SEE HE'S TRYING TO PSYCH-OUT THE ENGLISHMAN, WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO

TRYING TO PSYCH-OUT THE ENGLISHMAN, WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO DISTURBED BY IT, BUT THE

ENGLISHMAN, WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO DISTURBED BY IT, BUT THE ENGLISHMAN LIKES CUTTING HUMOR,

DISTURBED BY IT, BUT THE ENGLISHMAN LIKES CUTTING HUMOR, AND WE MAY SEE JUST A LITTLE BIT

ENGLISHMAN LIKES CUTTING HUMOR, AND WE MAY SEE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD HERE TONIGHT.

AND WE MAY SEE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD HERE TONIGHT. I HOPE SO. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

OF BLOOD HERE TONIGHT. I HOPE SO. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. GOD, I HOPE SO.

I HOPE SO. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. GOD, I HOPE SO. ANYWAY, WE SEEM ALL SET.

GOD, I HOPE SO. ANYWAY, WE SEEM ALL SET. [BELL DINGS]

ANYWAY, WE SEEM ALL SET. [BELL DINGS] HERE'S THE FUNNY THING.

[BELL DINGS] HERE'S THE FUNNY THING. NOW, THIS IS THE FUNNY THING.

HERE'S THE FUNNY THING. NOW, THIS IS THE FUNNY THING. I WENT HOME THE OTHER DAY, AND

NOW, THIS IS THE FUNNY THING. I WENT HOME THE OTHER DAY, AND THERE'S THE FUNNY THING.

I WENT HOME THE OTHER DAY, AND THERE'S THE FUNNY THING. MY WIFE WAS IN THE LIVING ROOM

THERE'S THE FUNNY THING. MY WIFE WAS IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH A NAKED MAN.

MY WIFE WAS IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH A NAKED MAN. I'M A FAIR CHAP.

WITH A NAKED MAN. I'M A FAIR CHAP. I GAVE HER A CHANCE.

I'M A FAIR CHAP. I GAVE HER A CHANCE. I SAID, "WHAT'S THIS NAKED MAN

I GAVE HER A CHANCE. I SAID, "WHAT'S THIS NAKED MAN DOING IN THE LIVING ROOM?"

I SAID, "WHAT'S THIS NAKED MAN DOING IN THE LIVING ROOM?" SHE SAID, "HE'S A NUDIST COMING

DOING IN THE LIVING ROOM?" SHE SAID, "HE'S A NUDIST COMING TO USE THE TELEPHONE."

SHE SAID, "HE'S A NUDIST COMING TO USE THE TELEPHONE." OH!

TO USE THE TELEPHONE." OH! WHOA, A GOOD START BY THE

OH! WHOA, A GOOD START BY THE CHALLENGER, JUST FEELING OUT HIS

WHOA, A GOOD START BY THE CHALLENGER, JUST FEELING OUT HIS OPPONENT THERE WITH A MUSICAL

CHALLENGER, JUST FEELING OUT HIS OPPONENT THERE WITH A MUSICAL OPENING.

OPPONENT THERE WITH A MUSICAL OPENING. HE USED IT BEFORE AGAINST

OPENING. HE USED IT BEFORE AGAINST GORE VIDAL AT

HE USED IT BEFORE AGAINST GORE VIDAL AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

GORE VIDAL AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN. IT'S NOT A BUILDER, BUT IT'S

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN. IT'S NOT A BUILDER, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY A RIB-TICKLER.

IT'S NOT A BUILDER, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY A RIB-TICKLER. I THINK THE CHAMP FELT JUST A

CERTAINLY A RIB-TICKLER. I THINK THE CHAMP FELT JUST A HINT OF A SMILE.

I THINK THE CHAMP FELT JUST A HINT OF A SMILE. LET'S SEE WHAT HE COMES BACK

HINT OF A SMILE. LET'S SEE WHAT HE COMES BACK WITH.

LET'S SEE WHAT HE COMES BACK WITH. KIDS ARE REALLY SOMETHING

WITH. KIDS ARE REALLY SOMETHING TODAY, REALLY, AREN'T THEY?

KIDS ARE REALLY SOMETHING TODAY, REALLY, AREN'T THEY? I'VE GOT A KID, DOESN'T WANT TO

TODAY, REALLY, AREN'T THEY? I'VE GOT A KID, DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING.

I'VE GOT A KID, DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING. I SAID TO HIM, "IF I HAD 10

KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING. I SAID TO HIM, "IF I HAD 10 APPLES AND GAVE YOU 6, WHAT'S

I SAID TO HIM, "IF I HAD 10 APPLES AND GAVE YOU 6, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"

APPLES AND GAVE YOU 6, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?" YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

THE DIFFERENCE?" YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? NO. WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? NO. WHAT? "THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT

NO. WHAT? "THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"

"THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?" THANK YOU!

IT... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?" THANK YOU! WHOA, AND I THINK THE CHAMP

THANK YOU! WHOA, AND I THINK THE CHAMP IS GONNA KEEP HIM AT A DISTANCE.

WHOA, AND I THINK THE CHAMP IS GONNA KEEP HIM AT A DISTANCE. WHOA, HE GOT HIM.

IS GONNA KEEP HIM AT A DISTANCE. WHOA, HE GOT HIM. GRIMWADE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE

WHOA, HE GOT HIM. GRIMWADE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.

GRIMWADE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING. HE FELL RIGHT FOR THE LINE, AND

COMING. HE FELL RIGHT FOR THE LINE, AND THAT CERTAINLY HAD TO HURT HIM.

HE FELL RIGHT FOR THE LINE, AND THAT CERTAINLY HAD TO HURT HIM. LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS.

THAT CERTAINLY HAD TO HURT HIM. LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS. I WAS IN A PUB THE OTHER DAY.

LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS. I WAS IN A PUB THE OTHER DAY. THIS CHAP COMES UP TO ME, HITS

I WAS IN A PUB THE OTHER DAY. THIS CHAP COMES UP TO ME, HITS ME ON THE HEAD WITH A BOTTLE.

THIS CHAP COMES UP TO ME, HITS ME ON THE HEAD WITH A BOTTLE. I SAID, "WAS THAT SERIOUS OR A

ME ON THE HEAD WITH A BOTTLE. I SAID, "WAS THAT SERIOUS OR A JOKE?"

I SAID, "WAS THAT SERIOUS OR A JOKE?" HE SAID, "IT WAS SERIOUS."

JOKE?" HE SAID, "IT WAS SERIOUS." I SAID, "THANK GOD.

HE SAID, "IT WAS SERIOUS." I SAID, "THANK GOD. I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT."

I SAID, "THANK GOD. I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT." OHH.

I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT." OHH. I DON'T THINK THAT ONE HURT

OHH. I DON'T THINK THAT ONE HURT HIM AT ALL.

I DON'T THINK THAT ONE HURT HIM AT ALL. WHAT DO YOU THINK,

HIM AT ALL. WHAT DO YOU THINK, DANNY FONTANELLI?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DANNY FONTANELLI? WELL, I DON'T KNOW,

DANNY FONTANELLI? WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BILLY LANOVA.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BILLY LANOVA. IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD, BUT I

BILLY LANOVA. IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD, BUT I DON'T THINK IT TOUCHED HIM.

IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD, BUT I DON'T THINK IT TOUCHED HIM. AND LOOK AT THE CHAMP TONIGHT.

DON'T THINK IT TOUCHED HIM. AND LOOK AT THE CHAMP TONIGHT. HE'S DROPPED HIS GUARD.

AND LOOK AT THE CHAMP TONIGHT. HE'S DROPPED HIS GUARD. I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY GOOD.

HE'S DROPPED HIS GUARD. I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY GOOD. NO, I DON'T THINK THIS IS

I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY GOOD. NO, I DON'T THINK THIS IS NECESSARY.

NO, I DON'T THINK THIS IS NECESSARY. HE SHOULD TAKE THE WIT TO HIM,

NECESSARY. HE SHOULD TAKE THE WIT TO HIM, RATHER THAN JUST MAKE HIM MISS A

HE SHOULD TAKE THE WIT TO HIM, RATHER THAN JUST MAKE HIM MISS A LITTLE BIT.

RATHER THAN JUST MAKE HIM MISS A LITTLE BIT. YEAH.

LITTLE BIT. YEAH. RAY'S LOST HIS RHYTHM IN THERE.

YEAH. RAY'S LOST HIS RHYTHM IN THERE. THIS IS WHERE THE CHAMP REALLY

RAY'S LOST HIS RHYTHM IN THERE. THIS IS WHERE THE CHAMP REALLY OUGHT TO BE PUNISHING HIM.

THIS IS WHERE THE CHAMP REALLY OUGHT TO BE PUNISHING HIM. YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S GAINING

OUGHT TO BE PUNISHING HIM. YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S GAINING WEIGHT.

YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S GAINING WEIGHT. LAST WEEK THE POST OFFICE GAVE

WEIGHT. LAST WEEK THE POST OFFICE GAVE HER HER OWN ZIP CODE.

LAST WEEK THE POST OFFICE GAVE HER HER OWN ZIP CODE. THANK YOU.

HER HER OWN ZIP CODE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HEY, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HEY, THANK YOU. MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.

HEY, THANK YOU. MY WIFE WEARS A COIL. THANK YOU.

MY WIFE WEARS A COIL. THANK YOU. MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.

THANK YOU. MY WIFE WEARS A COIL. NOT ONLY DOES IT PREVENT

MY WIFE WEARS A COIL. NOT ONLY DOES IT PREVENT PREGNANCY, BUT IT ALSO DOES

NOT ONLY DOES IT PREVENT PREGNANCY, BUT IT ALSO DOES WONDERS FOR MY TELEVISION

PREGNANCY, BUT IT ALSO DOES WONDERS FOR MY TELEVISION RECEPTION.

WONDERS FOR MY TELEVISION RECEPTION. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

RECEPTION. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! WOW!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH! WOW! WOW!

WOW! WOW! THAT ONE REALLY STUNG!

WOW! THAT ONE REALLY STUNG! YEAH, BILLY, THAT WAS A

THAT ONE REALLY STUNG! YEAH, BILLY, THAT WAS A DEVASTATING "MY WIFE"

YEAH, BILLY, THAT WAS A DEVASTATING "MY WIFE" COMBINATION, SUPERBLY TIMED AND

DEVASTATING "MY WIFE" COMBINATION, SUPERBLY TIMED AND DELIVERED, AND RAY DOES NOT LOOK

COMBINATION, SUPERBLY TIMED AND DELIVERED, AND RAY DOES NOT LOOK TOO HAPPY OUT THERE TONIGHT.

DELIVERED, AND RAY DOES NOT LOOK TOO HAPPY OUT THERE TONIGHT. NO, HE'S SHOULDN'T.

TOO HAPPY OUT THERE TONIGHT. NO, HE'S SHOULDN'T. HE'S REELING.

NO, HE'S SHOULDN'T. HE'S REELING. HE GLANCES TOWARDS HIS OWN

HE'S REELING. HE GLANCES TOWARDS HIS OWN CORNER, BUT THEY CANNOT HELP HIM

HE GLANCES TOWARDS HIS OWN CORNER, BUT THEY CANNOT HELP HIM NOW.

CORNER, BUT THEY CANNOT HELP HIM NOW. HE'S ON HIS OWN.

NOW. HE'S ON HIS OWN. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S GOT NO

HE'S ON HIS OWN. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S GOT NO NOSE.

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S GOT NO NOSE. YEAH? HOW'S SHE SMELL?

NOSE. YEAH? HOW'S SHE SMELL? NO, SHE WENT OF HER OWN

YEAH? HOW'S SHE SMELL? NO, SHE WENT OF HER OWN ACCORD.

NO, SHE WENT OF HER OWN ACCORD. OHH.

ACCORD. OHH. HE RUINED THAT COMPLETELY...

OHH. HE RUINED THAT COMPLETELY... A WRONG SETUP, A WRONG

HE RUINED THAT COMPLETELY... A WRONG SETUP, A WRONG COMBINATION, AND A WRONG PUNCH!

A WRONG SETUP, A WRONG COMBINATION, AND A WRONG PUNCH! THE CHAMP REALLY SOLD HIM ON

COMBINATION, AND A WRONG PUNCH! THE CHAMP REALLY SOLD HIM ON THAT BEAUTIFULLY.

THE CHAMP REALLY SOLD HIM ON THAT BEAUTIFULLY. HE'S REELING, AND HE IS IN

THAT BEAUTIFULLY. HE'S REELING, AND HE IS IN TROUBLE.

HE'S REELING, AND HE IS IN TROUBLE. I GOT A GREAT INSURANCE

TROUBLE. I GOT A GREAT INSURANCE COMPANY... REALLY.

I GOT A GREAT INSURANCE COMPANY... REALLY. THEY GOT THIS NEW

COMPANY... REALLY. THEY GOT THIS NEW HEALTH-AND-ACCIDENT PLAN... LIKE

THEY GOT THIS NEW HEALTH-AND-ACCIDENT PLAN... LIKE IF I LOSE A LEG, THEY HELP ME

HEALTH-AND-ACCIDENT PLAN... LIKE IF I LOSE A LEG, THEY HELP ME FIND IT.

IF I LOSE A LEG, THEY HELP ME FIND IT. THANK YOU! HEY!

FIND IT. THANK YOU! HEY! THAT HURT.

THANK YOU! HEY! THAT HURT. [BELL DINGS]

THAT HURT. [BELL DINGS] WHAT A BELTER!

[BELL DINGS] WHAT A BELTER! OH, BROTHER.

WHAT A BELTER! OH, BROTHER. THAT REALLY HAD TO HURT.

OH, BROTHER. THAT REALLY HAD TO HURT. OH, THERE'S THE BELL.

THAT REALLY HAD TO HURT. OH, THERE'S THE BELL. THAT'S A BRIEF REST, BUT AT

OH, THERE'S THE BELL. THAT'S A BRIEF REST, BUT AT LEAST... I DON'T THINK RAY KNOWS

THAT'S A BRIEF REST, BUT AT LEAST... I DON'T THINK RAY KNOWS QUITE WHERE HE IS, BILL.

LEAST... I DON'T THINK RAY KNOWS QUITE WHERE HE IS, BILL. WELL, HE'S DEFINITELY GROGGY

QUITE WHERE HE IS, BILL. WELL, HE'S DEFINITELY GROGGY FROM THAT LAST ONE,

WELL, HE'S DEFINITELY GROGGY FROM THAT LAST ONE, DANNY FONTANELLI, AND HE'S

FROM THAT LAST ONE, DANNY FONTANELLI, AND HE'S HAVING TO BE HELPED BACK TO HIS

DANNY FONTANELLI, AND HE'S HAVING TO BE HELPED BACK TO HIS CORNER.

HAVING TO BE HELPED BACK TO HIS CORNER. YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A

CORNER. YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A "MY WIFE" COMBINATION SINCE

YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A "MY WIFE" COMBINATION SINCE 1949, WHEN BENNETT CERF TOOK

"MY WIFE" COMBINATION SINCE 1949, WHEN BENNETT CERF TOOK ROCKY MARCIANO THE DISTANCE.

1949, WHEN BENNETT CERF TOOK ROCKY MARCIANO THE DISTANCE. OR IN THE SECOND

ROCKY MARCIANO THE DISTANCE. OR IN THE SECOND RICKLES/FRAZIER FIGHT, OF

OR IN THE SECOND RICKLES/FRAZIER FIGHT, OF COURSE.

RICKLES/FRAZIER FIGHT, OF COURSE. ANY COMMENTS, DANNY FONTANELLI?

COURSE. ANY COMMENTS, DANNY FONTANELLI? WE SAW A SPECTACULAR ROUND

ANY COMMENTS, DANNY FONTANELLI? WE SAW A SPECTACULAR ROUND THERE, BILLY LANOVA.

WE SAW A SPECTACULAR ROUND THERE, BILLY LANOVA. THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE IS

THERE, BILLY LANOVA. THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE IS MISSING, AND I DON'T THINK HE

THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE IS MISSING, AND I DON'T THINK HE LANDED A LINE ON THE CHAMP IN

MISSING, AND I DON'T THINK HE LANDED A LINE ON THE CHAMP IN THAT FIRST ROUND.

LANDED A LINE ON THE CHAMP IN THAT FIRST ROUND. AND IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE'S

THAT FIRST ROUND. AND IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE'S SWALLOWING THAT STUFF.

AND IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE'S SWALLOWING THAT STUFF. AND THAT IS PURE GIN AND TONIC,

SWALLOWING THAT STUFF. AND THAT IS PURE GIN AND TONIC, ENGLISH-STYLE, BILLY.

AND THAT IS PURE GIN AND TONIC, ENGLISH-STYLE, BILLY. WELL, I NOTICE HE'S GOT A

ENGLISH-STYLE, BILLY. WELL, I NOTICE HE'S GOT A NOSE SPECIALIST IN THE CORNER.

WELL, I NOTICE HE'S GOT A NOSE SPECIALIST IN THE CORNER. YOU NEED A GOOD NOSE MAN, AND

NOSE SPECIALIST IN THE CORNER. YOU NEED A GOOD NOSE MAN, AND HE'S WORKING ON THAT SUSPECT

YOU NEED A GOOD NOSE MAN, AND HE'S WORKING ON THAT SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE.

HE'S WORKING ON THAT SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE. YEAH, AND AS FAR AS THAT

FUNNY NOSE. YEAH, AND AS FAR AS THAT SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE IS CONCERNED,

YEAH, AND AS FAR AS THAT SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE IS CONCERNED, IT SEEMS LIKE... IT SEEMS A

SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE IS CONCERNED, IT SEEMS LIKE... IT SEEMS A LITTLE EARLY FOR THIS KIND OF

IT SEEMS LIKE... IT SEEMS A LITTLE EARLY FOR THIS KIND OF THING.

LITTLE EARLY FOR THIS KIND OF THING. LET'S SEE IF THE CHAMP GOES

THING. LET'S SEE IF THE CHAMP GOES FOR THAT.

LET'S SEE IF THE CHAMP GOES FOR THAT. THE CHAMP... HE'S USING HIS

FOR THAT. THE CHAMP... HE'S USING HIS HEAD THIS EVENING.

THE CHAMP... HE'S USING HIS HEAD THIS EVENING. HE IS DIRTY ON OCCASION, BUT

HEAD THIS EVENING. HE IS DIRTY ON OCCASION, BUT TONIGHT HE'S CONTENDING HIMSELF

HE IS DIRTY ON OCCASION, BUT TONIGHT HE'S CONTENDING HIMSELF WELL.

TONIGHT HE'S CONTENDING HIMSELF WELL. [BELL DINGS]

WELL. [BELL DINGS] WHOA, HE'S KNOWS WHAT HE'S

[BELL DINGS] WHOA, HE'S KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING, AND THERE'S THE GONG.

WHOA, HE'S KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING, AND THERE'S THE GONG. WHOA!

DOING, AND THERE'S THE GONG. WHOA! A SENSATIONAL OPENING FOR THE

WHOA! A SENSATIONAL OPENING FOR THE SECOND ROUND!

A SENSATIONAL OPENING FOR THE SECOND ROUND! HE REALLY CAUGHT HIM WITH A

SECOND ROUND! HE REALLY CAUGHT HIM WITH A SURPRISE PIE!

HE REALLY CAUGHT HIM WITH A SURPRISE PIE! SPECTACULAR!

SURPRISE PIE! SPECTACULAR! THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE'S

SPECTACULAR! THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE'S MISSING IT.

THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE'S MISSING IT. OHH! OHH!

MISSING IT. OHH! OHH! HE MISSED IT!

OHH! OHH! HE MISSED IT! HE DIDN'T LAND A LINE ON HIM IN

HE MISSED IT! HE DIDN'T LAND A LINE ON HIM IN THAT... OHH!

HE DIDN'T LAND A LINE ON HIM IN THAT... OHH! HE'S MISSED COMPLETELY WITH

THAT... OHH! HE'S MISSED COMPLETELY WITH THAT PIE!

HE'S MISSED COMPLETELY WITH THAT PIE! OHH!

THAT PIE! OHH! THE CHAMP THROWING A BEAUTIFUL

OHH! THE CHAMP THROWING A BEAUTIFUL RIGHT PIE!

THE CHAMP THROWING A BEAUTIFUL RIGHT PIE! WHERE DID THAT PIE COME FROM?

RIGHT PIE! WHERE DID THAT PIE COME FROM? WHOA!

WHERE DID THAT PIE COME FROM? WHOA! SPECTACULAR WHITEWASHING!

WHOA! SPECTACULAR WHITEWASHING! JUST THE FINEST PIE I'VE EVER

SPECTACULAR WHITEWASHING! JUST THE FINEST PIE I'VE EVER SEEN THROWN, AND THEN THE

JUST THE FINEST PIE I'VE EVER SEEN THROWN, AND THEN THE WHITEWASH ON TOP OF IT.

SEEN THROWN, AND THEN THE WHITEWASH ON TOP OF IT. [APPLAUSE]

WHITEWASH ON TOP OF IT. [APPLAUSE] WELL, THAT'S IT.

[APPLAUSE] WELL, THAT'S IT. I THINK THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT'S IT. I THINK THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT. YES, RAY GRIMWADE IS DOWN FOR

I THINK THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT. YES, RAY GRIMWADE IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT.

YES, RAY GRIMWADE IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT. WHAT AN AMAZING END TO THE WORLD

THE COUNT. WHAT AN AMAZING END TO THE WORLD HEAVY WIT CONTEST.

WHAT AN AMAZING END TO THE WORLD HEAVY WIT CONTEST. THE WORLD HEAVY WIT TITLE

HEAVY WIT CONTEST. THE WORLD HEAVY WIT TITLE RETAINED BY AMERICA HERE.

THE WORLD HEAVY WIT TITLE RETAINED BY AMERICA HERE. WE'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU TO JOIN

RETAINED BY AMERICA HERE. WE'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN KEN NORTON

WE'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN KEN NORTON TAKES ON JAN MURRAY AT YANKEE

US NEXT WEEK WHEN KEN NORTON TAKES ON JAN MURRAY AT YANKEE STADIUM.

TAKES ON JAN MURRAY AT YANKEE STADIUM. TILL THEN, BYE-BYE FROM

STADIUM. TILL THEN, BYE-BYE FROM DANNY FONTANELLI...

TILL THEN, BYE-BYE FROM DANNY FONTANELLI... AND BILLY LANOVA.

Announcer: AND NOW, ON BEHALF OF THE "SAVE GREAT BRITAIN" TELETHON, WE ARE PROUD TO

OF THE "SAVE GREAT BRITAIN" TELETHON, WE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE RUTLE WHO LIVES IN

TELETHON, WE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE RUTLE WHO LIVES IN NEW YORK... NASTY.

PRESENT THE RUTLE WHO LIVES IN NEW YORK... NASTY. ["CHEESE AND ONIONS" PLAYING]

NEW YORK... NASTY. ["CHEESE AND ONIONS" PLAYING] ♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT IN

["CHEESE AND ONIONS" PLAYING] ♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ♪

♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ♪ ♪ CHEESE AND ONIONS ♪

♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT

THE WORLD WAS UNKIND ♪

♪ CHEESE AND ONIONS ♪

♪ DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT? ♪ ♪ C-H-E-E-S-E ♪ ♪ A-N-D ♪

♪ C-H-E-E-S-E ♪ ♪ A-N-D ♪ ♪ O-N-I-O-N-S ♪

♪ A-N-D ♪ ♪ O-N-I-O-N-S ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

♪ O-N-I-O-N-S ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ MAN OR MACHINE ♪

♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ MAN OR MACHINE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN ♪

♪ MAN OR MACHINE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN ♪ ♪ OR BE A HAS-BEEN ♪

♪ KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN ♪ ♪ OR BE A HAS-BEEN ♪ ♪ LIKE A DINOSAUR ♪

♪ OR BE A HAS-BEEN ♪ ♪ LIKE A DINOSAUR ♪ ♪ MAN OR DEVICE ♪

♪ LIKE A DINOSAUR ♪ ♪ MAN OR DEVICE ♪ ♪ BETTER THINK TWICE ♪

♪ MAN OR DEVICE ♪ ♪ BETTER THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ YES, YOU BETTER THINK TWICE ♪

♪ BETTER THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ YES, YOU BETTER THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ AT LEAST ONCE MORE ♪

♪ YES, YOU BETTER THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ AT LEAST ONCE MORE ♪ [FINALE PLAYS]

♪ AT LEAST ONCE MORE ♪ [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TODAY ENGLAND'S MOTION-PICTURE INDUSTRY HAS ALSO FALLEN VICTIM TO HER ECONOMY.

MOTION-PICTURE INDUSTRY HAS ALSO FALLEN VICTIM TO HER ECONOMY. MAJOR STUDIOS HAVE BEEN FORCED

FALLEN VICTIM TO HER ECONOMY. MAJOR STUDIOS HAVE BEEN FORCED TO CLOSE DOWN, AND SIRS

MAJOR STUDIOS HAVE BEEN FORCED TO CLOSE DOWN, AND SIRS LAURENCE OLIVER AND

TO CLOSE DOWN, AND SIRS LAURENCE OLIVER AND RALPH RICHARDSON ARE DOING

LAURENCE OLIVER AND RALPH RICHARDSON ARE DOING SUMMER STOCK, AND

RALPH RICHARDSON ARE DOING SUMMER STOCK, AND MICHAEL REDGRAVE IS MANAGING A

SUMMER STOCK, AND MICHAEL REDGRAVE IS MANAGING A FISH-AND-CHIPS STAND OUTSIDE OF

MICHAEL REDGRAVE IS MANAGING A FISH-AND-CHIPS STAND OUTSIDE OF LIVERPOOL.

FISH-AND-CHIPS STAND OUTSIDE OF LIVERPOOL. BUT DESPITE THIS CONDITION, SOME

LIVERPOOL. BUT DESPITE THIS CONDITION, SOME PICTURES ARE BEING PRODUCED.

BUT DESPITE THIS CONDITION, SOME PICTURES ARE BEING PRODUCED. THE CURRENT HIT IS CALLED

PICTURES ARE BEING PRODUCED. THE CURRENT HIT IS CALLED "THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN."

THE CURRENT HIT IS CALLED "THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN." IT'S A SPECTACULAR WAR FILM

"THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN." IT'S A SPECTACULAR WAR FILM WHICH ACCURATELY DEPICTS THE

IT'S A SPECTACULAR WAR FILM WHICH ACCURATELY DEPICTS THE ROYAL AIR FORCE'S FINEST HOUR

WHICH ACCURATELY DEPICTS THE ROYAL AIR FORCE'S FINEST HOUR AND EMPLOYS ALL THE TRADITIONAL

ROYAL AIR FORCE'S FINEST HOUR AND EMPLOYS ALL THE TRADITIONAL BRITISH CINEMATIC TECHNIQUES,

AND EMPLOYS ALL THE TRADITIONAL BRITISH CINEMATIC TECHNIQUES, DESPITE AN ANEMIC BUDGET OF ONLY

BRITISH CINEMATIC TECHNIQUES, DESPITE AN ANEMIC BUDGET OF ONLY $900.

DESPITE AN ANEMIC BUDGET OF ONLY $900. AS A GESTURE OF GOODWILL AND AS

$900. AS A GESTURE OF GOODWILL AND AS A PLEA FOR YOUR HELP, WE PRESENT

AS A GESTURE OF GOODWILL AND AS A PLEA FOR YOUR HELP, WE PRESENT "THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN."

[ROSS PARKER'S "WE'LL MEET

[AGAIN" PLAYING]

♪ DON'T KNOW WHEN ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW WHERE ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAIN ♪

♪ SOME SUNNY DAY ♪

♪ KEEP SMILING THROUGH ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] [English accent] COUSIN

[MUSIC STOPS] [English accent] COUSIN CYNTHIA, WE'VE ALL BEEN SO

[English accent] COUSIN CYNTHIA, WE'VE ALL BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

CYNTHIA, WE'VE ALL BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF DOORS

WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF DOORS FOR A MONTH.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF DOORS FOR A MONTH. [English accent] IT'S NOT

FOR A MONTH. [English accent] IT'S NOT KNOWING, VIOLET, NOT

[English accent] IT'S NOT KNOWING, VIOLET, NOT KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT I'LL EVER

KNOWING, VIOLET, NOT KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT I'LL EVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT I'LL EVER SEE HIM AGAIN. THAT'S WHAT PLAGUES ME SO.

SEE HIM AGAIN. THAT'S WHAT PLAGUES ME SO. IT IS A DREADFUL WAR, COUSIN

THAT'S WHAT PLAGUES ME SO. IT IS A DREADFUL WAR, COUSIN CYNTHIA, BUT YOUR CONCERN WILL

IT IS A DREADFUL WAR, COUSIN CYNTHIA, BUT YOUR CONCERN WILL NOT EXPEDITE RODNEY'S RETURN.

CYNTHIA, BUT YOUR CONCERN WILL NOT EXPEDITE RODNEY'S RETURN. I KNOW, VIOLET.

NOT EXPEDITE RODNEY'S RETURN. I KNOW, VIOLET. OH! I ALMOST FORGOT.

I KNOW, VIOLET. OH! I ALMOST FORGOT. THIS LETTER ARRIVED FOR YOU THIS

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT. THIS LETTER ARRIVED FOR YOU THIS MORNING.

THIS LETTER ARRIVED FOR YOU THIS MORNING. OH!

[English accent] MY DEAREST CYNTHIA, AS I WRITE TO YOU NOW FROM THE AIRFIELD AT BLENHEIM

CYNTHIA, AS I WRITE TO YOU NOW FROM THE AIRFIELD AT BLENHEIM DOWNS, I THINK NOT OF BATTLE,

FROM THE AIRFIELD AT BLENHEIM DOWNS, I THINK NOT OF BATTLE, THE BATTLE FOR ENGLAND'S SKIES,

DOWNS, I THINK NOT OF BATTLE, THE BATTLE FOR ENGLAND'S SKIES, AS WELL AS FOR HER FUTURE, WHICH

THE BATTLE FOR ENGLAND'S SKIES, AS WELL AS FOR HER FUTURE, WHICH IN A FEW SHORT HOURS I'LL BE

AS WELL AS FOR HER FUTURE, WHICH IN A FEW SHORT HOURS I'LL BE FIGHTING, BUT RATHER OF THE LAST

IN A FEW SHORT HOURS I'LL BE FIGHTING, BUT RATHER OF THE LAST NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR

FIGHTING, BUT RATHER OF THE LAST NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR AT YOUR HOME WHEN

NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR AT YOUR HOME WHEN WE SAID GOODBYE.

GOODBYE, DARLING.

GOODBYE.

SO, SO, SO MANY THINGS HAVE

CHANGED SINCE THEN.

AS I WRITE, I CAN HEAR THE FIRST

WING OF OUR BRAVE FIGHTER GROUP

TAKE TO THE AIR IN THEIR HAWKER

HURRICANES.

AND SOON IT TOO WILL BE MY TURN TO LEAVE THE READY ROOM AND TAKE MY MACHINE UP INTO THE AIR TO

TO LEAVE THE READY ROOM AND TAKE MY MACHINE UP INTO THE AIR TO DEFEND OUR GREAT UNITED KINGDOM

MY MACHINE UP INTO THE AIR TO DEFEND OUR GREAT UNITED KINGDOM FROM THE BRUTAL ONSLAUGHT OF THE

DEFEND OUR GREAT UNITED KINGDOM FROM THE BRUTAL ONSLAUGHT OF THE LUFTWAFFE.

FROM THE BRUTAL ONSLAUGHT OF THE LUFTWAFFE. BUT I WILL NOT BE ALONE,

LUFTWAFFE. BUT I WILL NOT BE ALONE, CYNTHIA, FOR BINKY AND TONY WILL

BUT I WILL NOT BE ALONE, CYNTHIA, FOR BINKY AND TONY WILL BE FLYING BESIDE ME.

CYNTHIA, FOR BINKY AND TONY WILL BE FLYING BESIDE ME. YOU REMEMBER THEM.

BE FLYING BESIDE ME. YOU REMEMBER THEM. THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST

YOU REMEMBER THEM. THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR

THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR WHEN WE SAID

NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR WHEN WE SAID GOODBYE.

YOU KNOW BINKY AND TONY.

CYNTHIA.

HELLO, BINKY. HELLO, TONY.

Both: [English accent]

HELLO.

THAT'S IT, DARLING. MY TIME HAS COME. I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE

MY TIME HAS COME. I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE SCRAMBLE ALARM IN THE READY

I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE SCRAMBLE ALARM IN THE READY ROOM.

SCRAMBLE ALARM IN THE READY ROOM. AND AS I PREPARE TO LAY DOWN MY

ROOM. AND AS I PREPARE TO LAY DOWN MY PEN, THE DRONE OF THE NAZI

AND AS I PREPARE TO LAY DOWN MY PEN, THE DRONE OF THE NAZI HEINKEL BOMBER ECHOES OVER THE

PEN, THE DRONE OF THE NAZI HEINKEL BOMBER ECHOES OVER THE SOFT, GREEN MARSHES OF BLENHEIM

HEINKEL BOMBER ECHOES OVER THE SOFT, GREEN MARSHES OF BLENHEIM DOWNS.

SOFT, GREEN MARSHES OF BLENHEIM DOWNS. [AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING]

DOWNS. [AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING] IT'S TIME NOW, DARLING.

[AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING] IT'S TIME NOW, DARLING. I'M ZIPPING UP MY FLIGHT JACKET

IT'S TIME NOW, DARLING. I'M ZIPPING UP MY FLIGHT JACKET NOW.

I'M ZIPPING UP MY FLIGHT JACKET NOW. [ZIPPER ZIPPING]

NOW. [ZIPPER ZIPPING] AND AS I WALK OUT ONTO THE

[ZIPPER ZIPPING] AND AS I WALK OUT ONTO THE FIELD, I CAN HEAR WINNY'S WORDS

AND AS I WALK OUT ONTO THE FIELD, I CAN HEAR WINNY'S WORDS CRACKLING OVER THE WIRELESS, AND

FIELD, I CAN HEAR WINNY'S WORDS CRACKLING OVER THE WIRELESS, AND IT GIVES ME SUCH INSPIRATION.

CRACKLING OVER THE WIRELESS, AND IT GIVES ME SUCH INSPIRATION. BUT IF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND

IT GIVES ME SUCH INSPIRATION. BUT IF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND ITS COMMONWEALTH LASTS FOR 1,000

BUT IF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND ITS COMMONWEALTH LASTS FOR 1,000 YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY, "THIS

ITS COMMONWEALTH LASTS FOR 1,000 YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY, "THIS WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR."

YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY, "THIS WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR." AND THERE'S MY LOYAL GROUND

WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR." AND THERE'S MY LOYAL GROUND CREW AROUND MY HAWKER HURRICANE.

AND THERE'S MY LOYAL GROUND CREW AROUND MY HAWKER HURRICANE. YOU DO REMEMBER MY LOYAL GROUND

CREW AROUND MY HAWKER HURRICANE. YOU DO REMEMBER MY LOYAL GROUND CREW, DARLING.

YOU DO REMEMBER MY LOYAL GROUND CREW, DARLING. THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST

CREW, DARLING. THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST EVENING WE SPENT TOGETHER IN

THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST EVENING WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR AT HOME WHEN

EVENING WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR AT HOME WHEN WE SAID GOODBYE.

CYNTHIA, DARLING, YOU KNOW

BINKY, TONY.

HELLO, BINKY. HELLO, TONY.

Both: HELLO.

AND, OF COURSE, MY GROUND

CREW... ROGER, LLOYD, HUGH, AND

WENDEL.

CYNTHIA.

Together: [English accent]

HELLO!

HELLO, LADS.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY

COUSIN VIOLET.

THIS IS ROGER, LLOYD, HUGH, AND

WENDEL.

HELLO, LADS.

Together: HELLO, VIOLET.

PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SPILLING

AIRCRAFT OIL ON THE RUGS.

Together: RIGHT-O!

YES. AS I SIT IN THE COCKPIT OF MY MACHINE, I FIND I STILL HAVE A

AS I SIT IN THE COCKPIT OF MY MACHINE, I FIND I STILL HAVE A MOMENT TO WRITE "I LOVE YOU"

MACHINE, I FIND I STILL HAVE A MOMENT TO WRITE "I LOVE YOU" BEFORE I FLY HEADLONG INTO THE

MOMENT TO WRITE "I LOVE YOU" BEFORE I FLY HEADLONG INTO THE BLACK NIGHT TO SWEEP GERMANY OUT

BEFORE I FLY HEADLONG INTO THE BLACK NIGHT TO SWEEP GERMANY OUT OF ENGLAND'S SKIES.

BLACK NIGHT TO SWEEP GERMANY OUT OF ENGLAND'S SKIES. DARLING, PLEASE PRAY THAT I

OF ENGLAND'S SKIES. DARLING, PLEASE PRAY THAT I RETURN TO FINISH THIS LETTER.

DARLING, PLEASE PRAY THAT I RETURN TO FINISH THIS LETTER. [AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING]

RETURN TO FINISH THIS LETTER. [AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING] [RAPID GUNFIRE]

WELL, DARLING, GUESS WHAT. I MADE IT. THE CHAPS IN OUR FIGHTER GROUP

I MADE IT. THE CHAPS IN OUR FIGHTER GROUP DID A SMASHING JOB.

THE CHAPS IN OUR FIGHTER GROUP DID A SMASHING JOB. FOR EVERY ONE OF US, 20 OF THE

DID A SMASHING JOB. FOR EVERY ONE OF US, 20 OF THE LUFTWAFFE WOULD COME SCREAMING

FOR EVERY ONE OF US, 20 OF THE LUFTWAFFE WOULD COME SCREAMING OUT OF THE SKY.

LUFTWAFFE WOULD COME SCREAMING OUT OF THE SKY. YES, I PULLED THROUGH.

OUT OF THE SKY. YES, I PULLED THROUGH. I WAS LUCKY, UNLIKE BINKY AND

YES, I PULLED THROUGH. I WAS LUCKY, UNLIKE BINKY AND TONY.

I WAS LUCKY, UNLIKE BINKY AND TONY. I REMEMBER BINKY AND TONY.

TONY. I REMEMBER BINKY AND TONY. THEY WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT

I REMEMBER BINKY AND TONY. THEY WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN WE WERE IN MY QUIET PARLOR,

THEY WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN WE WERE IN MY QUIET PARLOR, THE NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE.

WHEN WE WERE IN MY QUIET PARLOR, THE NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE. THAT'S RIGHT, DARLING.

THE NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE. THAT'S RIGHT, DARLING. THEY WERE.

THAT'S RIGHT, DARLING. THEY WERE. I TOOK QUITE A BIT OF NAZI

THEY WERE. I TOOK QUITE A BIT OF NAZI WING-CANNON FIRE MYSELF... SO

I TOOK QUITE A BIT OF NAZI WING-CANNON FIRE MYSELF... SO MUCH MACHINE-GUN BULLET THAT, IN

WING-CANNON FIRE MYSELF... SO MUCH MACHINE-GUN BULLET THAT, IN FACT, THE DOCTORS AT THE

MUCH MACHINE-GUN BULLET THAT, IN FACT, THE DOCTORS AT THE AIRFIELD'S MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL

FACT, THE DOCTORS AT THE AIRFIELD'S MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL HAVE HAD MORE OR LESS TO PUT ME

AIRFIELD'S MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL HAVE HAD MORE OR LESS TO PUT ME BACK TOGETHER, AS IT WERE.

HAVE HAD MORE OR LESS TO PUT ME BACK TOGETHER, AS IT WERE. YES, DARLING, I GOT HIT FIVE

BACK TOGETHER, AS IT WERE. YES, DARLING, I GOT HIT FIVE TIMES.

YES, DARLING, I GOT HIT FIVE TIMES. BUT WHAT ARE A FEW POUNDS OF

TIMES. BUT WHAT ARE A FEW POUNDS OF IRON PINS IN MY BODY COMPARED

BUT WHAT ARE A FEW POUNDS OF IRON PINS IN MY BODY COMPARED WITH THE TONS OF DESTROYED

IRON PINS IN MY BODY COMPARED WITH THE TONS OF DESTROYED GERMAN AIRCRAFT?

WITH THE TONS OF DESTROYED GERMAN AIRCRAFT? OLD HERMANN GOERING IS STARTING

GERMAN AIRCRAFT? OLD HERMANN GOERING IS STARTING TO GET THE MESSAGE NOW.

OLD HERMANN GOERING IS STARTING TO GET THE MESSAGE NOW. DARLING, YOU DO REMEMBER

TO GET THE MESSAGE NOW. DARLING, YOU DO REMEMBER HERMANN GOERING.

DARLING, YOU DO REMEMBER HERMANN GOERING. HE, TOO, WAS WITH US THAT LAST

HERMANN GOERING. HE, TOO, WAS WITH US THAT LAST NIGHT IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR, THE

HE, TOO, WAS WITH US THAT LAST NIGHT IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR, THE NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE.

CYNTHIA, DARLING, YOU KNOW

BINKY, TONY.

HELLO, BINKY. HELLO, TONY.

Both: HELLO.

AND, OF COURSE, MY GROUND

CREW... ROGER, LLOYD, WENDEL,

AND HUGH, AND MR.

HERMANN GOERING.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU. [German accent] FRAULEIN. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY

[German accent] FRAULEIN. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY COUSIN VIOLET.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY COUSIN VIOLET. VIOLET, THIS IS HERMANN GOERING.

COUSIN VIOLET. VIOLET, THIS IS HERMANN GOERING. MR. GOERING... VIOLET.

VIOLET, THIS IS HERMANN GOERING. MR. GOERING... VIOLET. FRAULEIN.

MR. GOERING... VIOLET. FRAULEIN. HELLO.

FRAULEIN. HELLO. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM STEALING OUR

HELLO. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM STEALING OUR ART TREASURES.

YES. IN SPITE OF MY INJURIES, HOWEVER, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO FLY

IN SPITE OF MY INJURIES, HOWEVER, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO FLY SEVERAL VITAL ESCORT MISSIONS.

HOWEVER, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO FLY SEVERAL VITAL ESCORT MISSIONS. UNFORTUNATELY, ON EVERY ONE,

SEVERAL VITAL ESCORT MISSIONS. UNFORTUNATELY, ON EVERY ONE, I'VE MANAGED TO GET MYSELF SHOT

UNFORTUNATELY, ON EVERY ONE, I'VE MANAGED TO GET MYSELF SHOT UP.

I'VE MANAGED TO GET MYSELF SHOT UP. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THE DOCTORS

UP. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THE DOCTORS HERE.

I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THE DOCTORS HERE. EACH TIME I LAND, THEY HAVE LESS

HERE. EACH TIME I LAND, THEY HAVE LESS AND LESS TO WORK WITH.

EACH TIME I LAND, THEY HAVE LESS AND LESS TO WORK WITH. THEY'RE ALL DOING SUCH A

AND LESS TO WORK WITH. THEY'RE ALL DOING SUCH A SPLENDID JOB.

THEY'RE ALL DOING SUCH A SPLENDID JOB. NURSE SAYS I'LL BE OUT ON THE

SPLENDID JOB. NURSE SAYS I'LL BE OUT ON THE 14th OF THIS MONTH, AND I HOPE

NURSE SAYS I'LL BE OUT ON THE 14th OF THIS MONTH, AND I HOPE TO BE THERE WITH YOU FOR YOUR

14th OF THIS MONTH, AND I HOPE TO BE THERE WITH YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

TO BE THERE WITH YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. I'LL SEE YOU THEN, GOD WILLING.

BIRTHDAY. I'LL SEE YOU THEN, GOD WILLING. I LOVE YOU AND LONG TO HOLD YOU

I'LL SEE YOU THEN, GOD WILLING. I LOVE YOU AND LONG TO HOLD YOU CLOSE.

I LOVE YOU AND LONG TO HOLD YOU CLOSE. RODNEY.

CYNTHIA, DEAR, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

SURPRISE FOR YOU. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] RODNEY!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] RODNEY! RODNEY, I WAS SO WORRIED!

RODNEY! RODNEY, I WAS SO WORRIED! YOU SAID YOU'D BEEN HIT!

RODNEY, I WAS SO WORRIED! YOU SAID YOU'D BEEN HIT! AH, TWADDLE!

YOU SAID YOU'D BEEN HIT! AH, TWADDLE! NOTHING THE DOCTORS COULDN'T

AH, TWADDLE! NOTHING THE DOCTORS COULDN'T FIX, DARLING.

NOTHING THE DOCTORS COULDN'T FIX, DARLING. COME ON, RODNEY!

FIX, DARLING. COME ON, RODNEY! YOU CAN DO IT!

COME ON, RODNEY! YOU CAN DO IT! COME TO HERE.

YOU CAN DO IT! COME TO HERE. COME HERE, RODNEY!

COME TO HERE. COME HERE, RODNEY! COME HERE!

COME HERE, RODNEY! COME HERE! RODNEY!

COME HERE! RODNEY! OH, DARLING, I'VE MISSED YOU SO!

RODNEY! OH, DARLING, I'VE MISSED YOU SO! ARE WE ALONE, DARLING?

OH, DARLING, I'VE MISSED YOU SO! ARE WE ALONE, DARLING? WELL, ACTUALLY, DARLING, I'VE

ARE WE ALONE, DARLING? WELL, ACTUALLY, DARLING, I'VE TAKEN IN SOME BOARDERS TO HELP

WELL, ACTUALLY, DARLING, I'VE TAKEN IN SOME BOARDERS TO HELP TO PAY FOR THE RENT.

TAKEN IN SOME BOARDERS TO HELP TO PAY FOR THE RENT. YOU REMEMBER YOUR GROUND CREW.

TO PAY FOR THE RENT. YOU REMEMBER YOUR GROUND CREW. HELLO, LADS.

YOU REMEMBER YOUR GROUND CREW. HELLO, LADS. Together: HELLO, RODNEY!

HELLO, LADS. Together: HELLO, RODNEY! RIGHT!

Together: HELLO, RODNEY! RIGHT! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

HONESTLY, THE TELETHON'S GOING REALLY WELL. I MEAN, SO FAR, YOUR MAJESTY,

GOING REALLY WELL. I MEAN, SO FAR, YOUR MAJESTY, WE'VE RAISED A TOTAL OF NEARLY

I MEAN, SO FAR, YOUR MAJESTY, WE'VE RAISED A TOTAL OF NEARLY $21.

WE'VE RAISED A TOTAL OF NEARLY $21. YEAH, WE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY...

$21. YEAH, WE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY... OH, DO KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING

YEAH, WE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY... OH, DO KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING IN, PLEASE.

OH, DO KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING IN, PLEASE. THE PHONES ARE OPEN.

IN, PLEASE. THE PHONES ARE OPEN. JUST KEEP THEM POURING IN, THE

THE PHONES ARE OPEN. JUST KEEP THEM POURING IN, THE MONEY POURING IN.

JUST KEEP THEM POURING IN, THE MONEY POURING IN. AND RIGHT NOW, WHILST YOU DO

MONEY POURING IN. AND RIGHT NOW, WHILST YOU DO THAT, HERE FROM ENGLAND IS A

AND RIGHT NOW, WHILST YOU DO THAT, HERE FROM ENGLAND IS A FRIEND OF MINE, MR. NEIL INNES.

THAT, HERE FROM ENGLAND IS A FRIEND OF MINE, MR. NEIL INNES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FRIEND OF MINE, MR. NEIL INNES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [NEIL INNES'S "SHANGRI-LA"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [NEIL INNES'S "SHANGRI-LA" PLAYING]

[NEIL INNES'S "SHANGRI-LA" PLAYING] ♪ DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING ♪

[PLAYING] ♪ DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING ♪ ♪ THAT THE TRUTH IS LESS

♪ DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING ♪ ♪ THAT THE TRUTH IS LESS REVEALING ♪

♪ THAT THE TRUTH IS LESS REVEALING ♪ ♪ THAN A DOWNRIGHT LIE? ♪

REVEALING ♪ ♪ THAN A DOWNRIGHT LIE? ♪ ♪ AND DID YOU THINK YOUR HEAD

♪ THAN A DOWNRIGHT LIE? ♪ ♪ AND DID YOU THINK YOUR HEAD WAS HIP TO CERTAIN THINGS IT'S

♪ AND DID YOU THINK YOUR HEAD WAS HIP TO CERTAIN THINGS IT'S NOT EQUIPPED TO QUALIFY? ♪

WAS HIP TO CERTAIN THINGS IT'S NOT EQUIPPED TO QUALIFY? ♪ ♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪

NOT EQUIPPED TO QUALIFY? ♪ ♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪ ♪ AND EVERYONE AGREES WITH YOU

♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪ ♪ AND EVERYONE AGREES WITH YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND EVERYONE AGREES WITH YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪

IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ EVERYDAY'S A PERFECT DAY ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ EVERYDAY'S A PERFECT DAY ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN GO YOUR OWN SWEET

♪ EVERYDAY'S A PERFECT DAY ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN GO YOUR OWN SWEET WAY IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND YOU CAN GO YOUR OWN SWEET WAY IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

WAY IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ INVESTMENT WITH A GOOD RETURN PROVIDES THE MEANS BY WHICH WE EARN OUR DAILY BREAD ♪

PROVIDES THE MEANS BY WHICH WE EARN OUR DAILY BREAD ♪ ♪ INSISTING ON AN EQUAL CUT ♪

EARN OUR DAILY BREAD ♪ ♪ INSISTING ON AN EQUAL CUT ♪ ♪ SOME PEOPLE EVEN BUST A GUT

♪ INSISTING ON AN EQUAL CUT ♪ ♪ SOME PEOPLE EVEN BUST A GUT TO STAY AHEAD ♪

♪ SOME PEOPLE EVEN BUST A GUT TO STAY AHEAD ♪ ♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪

TO STAY AHEAD ♪ ♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪ ♪ AND NO ONE HAS A LOT TO DO

♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪ ♪ AND NO ONE HAS A LOT TO DO IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND NO ONE HAS A LOT TO DO IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪

IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ IT'S A STRANGE WORLD WE LIVE IN ♪ ♪ AND SURELY WE'RE FORGIVEN IF

LIVE IN ♪ ♪ AND SURELY WE'RE FORGIVEN IF WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN ♪

♪ AND SURELY WE'RE FORGIVEN IF WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN ♪ ♪ WITH PARADISE FOR HIRE ON THE

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN ♪ ♪ WITH PARADISE FOR HIRE ON THE BACK STREETS OF DESIRE ♪

♪ WITH PARADISE FOR HIRE ON THE BACK STREETS OF DESIRE ♪ ♪ WE ALL LIVE AND LEARN ♪

BACK STREETS OF DESIRE ♪ ♪ WE ALL LIVE AND LEARN ♪ ♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪

♪ WE ALL LIVE AND LEARN ♪ ♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪ ♪ AND EVERYONE'S IN LOVE WITH

♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪ ♪ AND EVERYONE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND EVERYONE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪

YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LOVERS DANCE AND CHILDREN

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪ ♪ LOVERS DANCE AND CHILDREN SING ♪

♪ LOVERS DANCE AND CHILDREN SING ♪ ♪ AND EVERYBODY DOES THEIR THING

SING ♪ ♪ AND EVERYBODY DOES THEIR THING IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND EVERYBODY DOES THEIR THING IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA

IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪ ♪ SHANGRI-LA

IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪ ♪ SHANGRI-LA ♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ SHANGRI-LA ♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪ ♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK] [MUSIC STOPS]

[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK] [MUSIC STOPS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

HAM SANDWICH BUCKET AND WATER PLASTIC DUROLECTS, RUBBER McFISHERIES UNDERWEAR.

PLASTIC DUROLECTS, RUBBER McFISHERIES UNDERWEAR. PLUG RAPID EMULSIONS SEEK

McFISHERIES UNDERWEAR. PLUG RAPID EMULSIONS SEEK CUSTARD WITHOUT SUSTENANCE IN

PLUG RAPID EMULSIONS SEEK CUSTARD WITHOUT SUSTENANCE IN KIPLING DUFF GERIATRIC SCENERY.

CUSTARD WITHOUT SUSTENANCE IN KIPLING DUFF GERIATRIC SCENERY. MAXIMIZES PRESS INSULATING

KIPLING DUFF GERIATRIC SCENERY. MAXIMIZES PRESS INSULATING DEVILMENT GRUNTING SAPPHIRE

MAXIMIZES PRESS INSULATING DEVILMENT GRUNTING SAPPHIRE CLUBS, INCIDENTALLY.

DEVILMENT GRUNTING SAPPHIRE CLUBS, INCIDENTALLY. BUT TONIGHT SAM PAM BOMBAY

CLUBS, INCIDENTALLY. BUT TONIGHT SAM PAM BOMBAY BERMUDA IN DIPHTHERIA RUSTING

BUT TONIGHT SAM PAM BOMBAY BERMUDA IN DIPHTHERIA RUSTING McOUTLINE SPLENDOR, RABID AND

BERMUDA IN DIPHTHERIA RUSTING McOUTLINE SPLENDOR, RABID AND FUD-FUD-PHOOEY JOG STRABBEDLY

McOUTLINE SPLENDOR, RABID AND FUD-FUD-PHOOEY JOG STRABBEDLY BIG BOWERLY OR RULE LINERS, MUSS

FUD-FUD-PHOOEY JOG STRABBEDLY BIG BOWERLY OR RULE LINERS, MUSS GREEN GAUGES MICTURATE, WITH

BIG BOWERLY OR RULE LINERS, MUSS GREEN GAUGES MICTURATE, WITH NIPPLES AND TIPTOE RUSTING

GREEN GAUGES MICTURATE, WITH NIPPLES AND TIPTOE RUSTING MACHINERY RUSTICALLY INCLINED.

NIPPLES AND TIPTOE RUSTING MACHINERY RUSTICALLY INCLINED. GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.

MACHINERY RUSTICALLY INCLINED. GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME. HI.

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME. HI. FORESKIN VIEW MT. EVEREST TIN

HI. FORESKIN VIEW MT. EVEREST TIN TRAY LOBOTOMY IN ENGLAND?

FORESKIN VIEW MT. EVEREST TIN TRAY LOBOTOMY IN ENGLAND? UM, SADDLEBACK, SADDLEBACK.

TRAY LOBOTOMY IN ENGLAND? UM, SADDLEBACK, SADDLEBACK. LUXURY BILLBOARD KETTLE BUM

UM, SADDLEBACK, SADDLEBACK. LUXURY BILLBOARD KETTLE BUM SIFFERING SNUFF MASTICATED

LUXURY BILLBOARD KETTLE BUM SIFFERING SNUFF MASTICATED BAHZIDE HANDSET LEMONADE

SIFFERING SNUFF MASTICATED BAHZIDE HANDSET LEMONADE ENTERPRISINGLY APARTHEID

BAHZIDE HANDSET LEMONADE ENTERPRISINGLY APARTHEID RUBBERIZED.

ENTERPRISINGLY APARTHEID RUBBERIZED. UH, PLUM JOINT CURVACEOUSLY

RUBBERIZED. UH, PLUM JOINT CURVACEOUSLY MUCKING SQUIRRELS.

UH, PLUM JOINT CURVACEOUSLY MUCKING SQUIRRELS. I SEE.

MUCKING SQUIRRELS. I SEE. RAPIDLY PIDDLE POP STRUMMING

I SEE. RAPIDLY PIDDLE POP STRUMMING HANOVER PEACE PUDDING MOUSE DRUM

RAPIDLY PIDDLE POP STRUMMING HANOVER PEACE PUDDING MOUSE DRUM DRINGLY CORRIDOR CABINETS,

HANOVER PEACE PUDDING MOUSE DRUM DRINGLY CORRIDOR CABINETS, PRESUMABLY.

DRINGLY CORRIDOR CABINETS, PRESUMABLY. SICK IN A CUP.

PRESUMABLY. SICK IN A CUP. DOORJAMB WHISPER TAP SUNDERLAND

SICK IN A CUP. DOORJAMB WHISPER TAP SUNDERLAND SHOWER CURTAIN ICE WALLPAPER

DOORJAMB WHISPER TAP SUNDERLAND SHOWER CURTAIN ICE WALLPAPER CUPS GRANGINGLY RUBBER KING, RAB

SHOWER CURTAIN ICE WALLPAPER CUPS GRANGINGLY RUBBER KING, RAB BUTTOCK KISSING FEATHERS...

CUPS GRANGINGLY RUBBER KING, RAB BUTTOCK KISSING FEATHERS... DEFINITELY PHEASANTRY.

BUTTOCK KISSING FEATHERS... DEFINITELY PHEASANTRY. DAUGHTER SUCCESSFULLY DOUCHED

DEFINITELY PHEASANTRY. DAUGHTER SUCCESSFULLY DOUCHED IN HER BOTTOM.

DAUGHTER SUCCESSFULLY DOUCHED IN HER BOTTOM. MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER?

IN HER BOTTOM. MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER? MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER.

MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER? MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER. SO, NAIL ATTACKING BUTTERFLY

MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER. SO, NAIL ATTACKING BUTTERFLY CLOUDS REPUTEDLY WITHOUT I MIGHT

SO, NAIL ATTACKING BUTTERFLY CLOUDS REPUTEDLY WITHOUT I MIGHT GALVANIZE SUGAR.

CLOUDS REPUTEDLY WITHOUT I MIGHT GALVANIZE SUGAR. ELBOW WRENCHINGLY HEARTFELT WITH

GALVANIZE SUGAR. ELBOW WRENCHINGLY HEARTFELT WITH FOUR SLAIN PERSPICACIOUSLY

ELBOW WRENCHINGLY HEARTFELT WITH FOUR SLAIN PERSPICACIOUSLY RATTLED MANDIBLES ON ASININE

FOUR SLAIN PERSPICACIOUSLY RATTLED MANDIBLES ON ASININE SHOESTRINGS DRAWN TWO, LOST

RATTLED MANDIBLES ON ASININE SHOESTRINGS DRAWN TWO, LOST THREE.

SHOESTRINGS DRAWN TWO, LOST THREE. BUT A MACHISMO WHENEVER COBBLE

THREE. BUT A MACHISMO WHENEVER COBBLE THEY'RE IN.

BUT A MACHISMO WHENEVER COBBLE THEY'RE IN. GOOD NIGHT.

THEY'RE IN. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. Announcer: TONIGHT HAM

GOOD NIGHT. Announcer: TONIGHT HAM WRENCHING TONES ALAN McMULLEN

Announcer: TONIGHT HAM WRENCHING TONES ALAN McMULLEN HAVING SHARED GOOD HICCUPING

WRENCHING TONES ALAN McMULLEN HAVING SHARED GOOD HICCUPING SNICKER NEATH THE THUMB.

HAVING SHARED GOOD HICCUPING SNICKER NEATH THE THUMB. PUPLEX GAVANITE HARVIUM BY REX

SNICKER NEATH THE THUMB. PUPLEX GAVANITE HARVIUM BY REX CRISPER.

[PLANE ENGINES HUMMING]

GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME ABOARD TRANS EASTERN'S ROYAL LUAU JET

GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME ABOARD TRANS EASTERN'S ROYAL LUAU JET SERVICE FROM LOS ANGELES TO

TRANS EASTERN'S ROYAL LUAU JET SERVICE FROM LOS ANGELES TO NEW YORK.

SERVICE FROM LOS ANGELES TO NEW YORK. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS

NEW YORK. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK YOU ALL FOR

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK YOU ALL FOR FLYING TRANS EASTERN TODAY AND

OPPORTUNITY TO THANK YOU ALL FOR FLYING TRANS EASTERN TODAY AND TO WISH YOU A PLEASANT FLIGHT.

FLYING TRANS EASTERN TODAY AND TO WISH YOU A PLEASANT FLIGHT. MY NAME IS SHERRY NORWALK, AND

TO WISH YOU A PLEASANT FLIGHT. MY NAME IS SHERRY NORWALK, AND I'LL BE YOUR HOSTESS HERE IN

MY NAME IS SHERRY NORWALK, AND I'LL BE YOUR HOSTESS HERE IN FIRST CLASS.

I'LL BE YOUR HOSTESS HERE IN FIRST CLASS. OUR CAPTAIN IS MR.

FIRST CLASS. OUR CAPTAIN IS MR. DAVID HARBESON, AND OUR FIRST

OUR CAPTAIN IS MR. DAVID HARBESON, AND OUR FIRST MATE IS PAUL McGUIRE.

DAVID HARBESON, AND OUR FIRST MATE IS PAUL McGUIRE. OUR TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL

MATE IS PAUL McGUIRE. OUR TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL BE KAREN ASNOSKY AND

OUR TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL BE KAREN ASNOSKY AND PAM BOUCHER.

BE KAREN ASNOSKY AND PAM BOUCHER. WE'LL BE FLYING AT AN ALTITUDE

PAM BOUCHER. WE'LL BE FLYING AT AN ALTITUDE OF 18,000 FOR THE FIRST PART...

WE'LL BE FLYING AT AN ALTITUDE OF 18,000 FOR THE FIRST PART... DO YOU SUPPOSE WE COULD DO

OF 18,000 FOR THE FIRST PART... DO YOU SUPPOSE WE COULD DO WITHOUT THE REST OF YOUR OPENING

DO YOU SUPPOSE WE COULD DO WITHOUT THE REST OF YOUR OPENING TALK, PLEASE?

WITHOUT THE REST OF YOUR OPENING TALK, PLEASE? OH, CERTAINLY, SIR.

TALK, PLEASE? OH, CERTAINLY, SIR. THANK YOU.

OH, CERTAINLY, SIR. THANK YOU. BUT WE MUST REQUEST THAT YOU

THANK YOU. BUT WE MUST REQUEST THAT YOU PUT YOUR HAND LUGGAGE UNDER YOUR

BUT WE MUST REQUEST THAT YOU PUT YOUR HAND LUGGAGE UNDER YOUR SEAT DURING TAKEOFF.

PUT YOUR HAND LUGGAGE UNDER YOUR SEAT DURING TAKEOFF. WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I

SEAT DURING TAKEOFF. WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I KEPT IT IN MY LAP?

WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I KEPT IT IN MY LAP? OH, OF COURSE NOT.

KEPT IT IN MY LAP? OH, OF COURSE NOT. THANK YOU.

OH, OF COURSE NOT. THANK YOU. EXCUSE ME.

THANK YOU. EXCUSE ME. I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING YOUR

EXCUSE ME. I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING YOUR GUN.

I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING YOUR GUN. OH, YES, IT'S A COLT .38

GUN. OH, YES, IT'S A COLT .38 POLICE SPECIAL WITH A 6-OUNCE

OH, YES, IT'S A COLT .38 POLICE SPECIAL WITH A 6-OUNCE TRIGGER PULL AND MERCURY-WAD

POLICE SPECIAL WITH A 6-OUNCE TRIGGER PULL AND MERCURY-WAD SLUGS.

TRIGGER PULL AND MERCURY-WAD SLUGS. REALLY?

SLUGS. REALLY? I'VE GOT A .32-CALIBER SMITH &

REALLY? I'VE GOT A .32-CALIBER SMITH & WESSON REVOLVER, AND IT'S...

I'VE GOT A .32-CALIBER SMITH & WESSON REVOLVER, AND IT'S... EXCUSE ME.

WESSON REVOLVER, AND IT'S... EXCUSE ME. MISS, OH, MISS?

EXCUSE ME. MISS, OH, MISS? WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I HAD

MISS, OH, MISS? WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I HAD AN EXTRA BAG OF MACADAMIA NUTS

WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I HAD AN EXTRA BAG OF MACADAMIA NUTS TO TAKE MY NIECE IN GARDEN CITY?

AN EXTRA BAG OF MACADAMIA NUTS TO TAKE MY NIECE IN GARDEN CITY? OH, CERTAINLY NOT, MA'AM.

TO TAKE MY NIECE IN GARDEN CITY? OH, CERTAINLY NOT, MA'AM. HERE YOU GO.

OH, CERTAINLY NOT, MA'AM. HERE YOU GO. AND HERE'S AN EXTRA SET OF

HERE YOU GO. AND HERE'S AN EXTRA SET OF HEADSETS, COMPLIMENTS OF

AND HERE'S AN EXTRA SET OF HEADSETS, COMPLIMENTS OF TRANS EASTERN.

HEADSETS, COMPLIMENTS OF TRANS EASTERN. UH, MISS, EXCUSE ME, BUT IS

TRANS EASTERN. UH, MISS, EXCUSE ME, BUT IS IT OKAY IF I SMOKE A JOIN IN THE

UH, MISS, EXCUSE ME, BUT IS IT OKAY IF I SMOKE A JOIN IN THE CAN?

IT OKAY IF I SMOKE A JOIN IN THE CAN? CERTAINLY.

CAN? CERTAINLY. THANK YOU.

CERTAINLY. THANK YOU. I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY

THANK YOU. I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY DOBERMAN HERE IN THE AISLE,

I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY DOBERMAN HERE IN THE AISLE, OKAY?

DOBERMAN HERE IN THE AISLE, OKAY? OH, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.

OKAY? OH, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT. I DON'T SEE WHAT HARM IT'LL DO.

OH, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT. I DON'T SEE WHAT HARM IT'LL DO. OKAY, BOY.

I DON'T SEE WHAT HARM IT'LL DO. OKAY, BOY. SIR, COULD I GET YOU A

OKAY, BOY. SIR, COULD I GET YOU A MAGAZINE?

SIR, COULD I GET YOU A MAGAZINE? WE HAVE U.S. NEWS WEEKLY AND

MAGAZINE? WE HAVE U.S. NEWS WEEKLY AND FORBES AND BUSINESS WORLD.

WE HAVE U.S. NEWS WEEKLY AND FORBES AND BUSINESS WORLD. IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?

FORBES AND BUSINESS WORLD. IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE? YES, I THINK THAT IS, SIR.

IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE? YES, I THINK THAT IS, SIR. SAY, DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT YOU

YES, I THINK THAT IS, SIR. SAY, DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT YOU COULD FIND ME A COPY OF

SAY, DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT YOU COULD FIND ME A COPY OF HUSTLERS OR PLAYERS?

COULD FIND ME A COPY OF HUSTLERS OR PLAYERS? I'LL GO CHECK.

HUSTLERS OR PLAYERS? I'LL GO CHECK. THANK YOU.

I'LL GO CHECK. THANK YOU. OH, MISS?

THANK YOU. OH, MISS? WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, DO YOU

OH, MISS? WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO

WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO KEEP IT IN FOCUS?

THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO KEEP IT IN FOCUS? OH, NO PROBLEM.

KEEP IT IN FOCUS? OH, NO PROBLEM. I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS

OH, NO PROBLEM. I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN

I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN "ALEX AND THE GYPSY" OR "HARRY

SOMETHING OTHER THAN "ALEX AND THE GYPSY" OR "HARRY AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK."

"ALEX AND THE GYPSY" OR "HARRY AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK." OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK." OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL. THANK YOU.

OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL. THANK YOU. OH, OH, AND ONE MORE THING...

THANK YOU. OH, OH, AND ONE MORE THING... AS A SPECIAL FAVOR, WOULD YOU

OH, OH, AND ONE MORE THING... AS A SPECIAL FAVOR, WOULD YOU MIND ASKING THE PILOT TO TO

AS A SPECIAL FAVOR, WOULD YOU MIND ASKING THE PILOT TO TO POINT OUT THE GRAND CANYON IN

MIND ASKING THE PILOT TO TO POINT OUT THE GRAND CANYON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE?

POINT OUT THE GRAND CANYON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE? NOT AT ALL, MA'AM.

THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE? NOT AT ALL, MA'AM. HERE ARE YOUR MAGAZINES, SIR.

NOT AT ALL, MA'AM. HERE ARE YOUR MAGAZINES, SIR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HERE ARE YOUR MAGAZINES, SIR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OH, UH, MISS, DO YOU MIND IF

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OH, UH, MISS, DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES

OH, UH, MISS, DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES THAT PLASTIC SALISBURY STEAK

I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES THAT PLASTIC SALISBURY STEAK THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN FEED MY

THAT PLASTIC SALISBURY STEAK THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN FEED MY DOG?

THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN FEED MY DOG? OH, OF COURSE, SIR.

DOG? OH, OF COURSE, SIR. AH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, OF COURSE, SIR. AH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HI, SHERRY.

AH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HI, SHERRY. HI.

HI, SHERRY. HI. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HI. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUST REMAIN CALM.

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUST REMAIN CALM. I'M PREPARED TO TAKE YOU

JUST REMAIN CALM. I'M PREPARED TO TAKE YOU WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO.

I'M PREPARED TO TAKE YOU WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO. WE HAVE ENOUGH FUEL TO REACH

WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO. WE HAVE ENOUGH FUEL TO REACH ALGIERS, BEIRUT, TRIPOLI.

WE HAVE ENOUGH FUEL TO REACH ALGIERS, BEIRUT, TRIPOLI. TAKE US TO NEW YORK ON

ALGIERS, BEIRUT, TRIPOLI. TAKE US TO NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE.

TAKE US TO NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE. [CHUCKLES]

SCHEDULE. [CHUCKLES] NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE.

[CHUCKLES] NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. MY FLIGHT PLAN CALLED FOR A

WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. MY FLIGHT PLAN CALLED FOR A THREE-HOUR STACK-UP OVER

MY FLIGHT PLAN CALLED FOR A THREE-HOUR STACK-UP OVER KENNEDY.

THREE-HOUR STACK-UP OVER KENNEDY. WELL, JUST THIS ONCE,

KENNEDY. WELL, JUST THIS ONCE, COULDN'T WE SIMPLY ARRIVE ON

WELL, JUST THIS ONCE, COULDN'T WE SIMPLY ARRIVE ON TIME?

COULDN'T WE SIMPLY ARRIVE ON TIME? [Laughing] WELL, I'LL RADIO

TIME? [Laughing] WELL, I'LL RADIO THE AIR CONTROLLER AND DO WHAT I

[Laughing] WELL, I'LL RADIO THE AIR CONTROLLER AND DO WHAT I CAN, BUT I CAN'T PROMISE

THE AIR CONTROLLER AND DO WHAT I CAN, BUT I CAN'T PROMISE ANYTHING.

CAN, BUT I CAN'T PROMISE ANYTHING. [CHUCKLES]

ANYTHING. [CHUCKLES] THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES] THANK YOU. HI, SHERRY.

THANK YOU. HI, SHERRY. HI, CAPTAIN.

HI, SHERRY. HI, CAPTAIN. HERE'S A LITTLE PILLOW TO

HI, CAPTAIN. HERE'S A LITTLE PILLOW TO MAKE...

HERE'S A LITTLE PILLOW TO MAKE... SAY, AREN'T YOU THE

MAKE... SAY, AREN'T YOU THE STEWARDESS THAT DOES THE

SAY, AREN'T YOU THE STEWARDESS THAT DOES THE COMMERCIAL FOR THIS AIRLINE?

STEWARDESS THAT DOES THE COMMERCIAL FOR THIS AIRLINE? YES, THAT'S ME.

COMMERCIAL FOR THIS AIRLINE? YES, THAT'S ME. OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.

YES, THAT'S ME. OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT. IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT. IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES. OH, RIGHT HERE, NOW?

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES. OH, RIGHT HERE, NOW? I COULDN'T.

OH, RIGHT HERE, NOW? I COULDN'T. IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING.

I COULDN'T. IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING. OH, COME ON! PLEASE!

IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING. OH, COME ON! PLEASE! COME ON!

OH, COME ON! PLEASE! COME ON! COME ON!

COME ON! COME ON! I GUESS I COULD. ALL RIGHT.

COME ON! I GUESS I COULD. ALL RIGHT. I'M SO NERVOUS.

I GUESS I COULD. ALL RIGHT. I'M SO NERVOUS. HI, I'M SHERRY.

I'M SO NERVOUS. HI, I'M SHERRY. STICK A GUN IN MY MOUTH, AND YOU

HI, I'M SHERRY. STICK A GUN IN MY MOUTH, AND YOU CAN FLY ME ANYWHERE.

STICK A GUN IN MY MOUTH, AND YOU CAN FLY ME ANYWHERE. AND AT TRANS EASTERN, WE GIVE

CAN FLY ME ANYWHERE. AND AT TRANS EASTERN, WE GIVE YOU YOUR OWN GUN.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S ALAN PRICE. [ALAN PRICE'S "IN TIMES LIKE

ALAN PRICE. [ALAN PRICE'S "IN TIMES LIKE THESE" PLAYING]

[ALAN PRICE'S "IN TIMES LIKE THESE" PLAYING] ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

[THESE" PLAYING] ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ NOW, ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ NOW, ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ NOW, ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪ ♪ WAH WAH WAH ♪ ♪ WHEN FOLKS NEXT DOOR ♪

♪ WAH WAH WAH ♪ ♪ WHEN FOLKS NEXT DOOR ♪ ♪ HELP YOU RAISE A SMILE ♪

♪ WHEN FOLKS NEXT DOOR ♪ ♪ HELP YOU RAISE A SMILE ♪ ♪ IT MAKES YOU FORGET ♪

♪ HELP YOU RAISE A SMILE ♪ ♪ IT MAKES YOU FORGET ♪ ♪ YOUR TROUBLES FOR AWHILE ♪

♪ IT MAKES YOU FORGET ♪ ♪ YOUR TROUBLES FOR AWHILE ♪ ♪ NOW, THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE

♪ YOUR TROUBLES FOR AWHILE ♪ ♪ NOW, THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR ♪

♪ NOW, THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR ♪ ♪ I TOLD YOU BEFORE ♪

FOR ♪ ♪ I TOLD YOU BEFORE ♪ ♪ WAH WAH AND DOO WAH ♪

♪ I TOLD YOU BEFORE ♪ ♪ WAH WAH AND DOO WAH ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T

♪ WAH WAH AND DOO WAH ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T GO FAR ♪

♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T GO FAR ♪ ♪ GO FAR ♪

GO FAR ♪ ♪ GO FAR ♪ ♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF

♪ GO FAR ♪ ♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF JAM JARS ♪

♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF JAM JARS ♪ ♪ JAM JARS ♪

JAM JARS ♪ ♪ JAM JARS ♪ ♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE

♪ JAM JARS ♪ ♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE TABLE ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE TABLE ♪ ♪ TABLE ♪

TABLE ♪ ♪ TABLE ♪ ♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE

♪ TABLE ♪ ♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE ABLE ♪

♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE ABLE ♪ ♪ ABLE ♪

ABLE ♪ ♪ ABLE ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪

♪ ABLE ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪ ♪ THAT WE ARE ALL ALONE ♪

♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪ ♪ THAT WE ARE ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪

♪ THAT WE ARE ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE

♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE IT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE IT ♪ ♪ WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AROUND ♪

IT ♪ ♪ WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AROUND ♪ ♪ YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ♪

♪ WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AROUND ♪ ♪ YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ♪ ♪ DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? ♪

♪ YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ♪ ♪ DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T GO FAR ♪ ♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF

GO FAR ♪ ♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF JAM JARS ♪

♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF JAM JARS ♪ ♪ JAM JARS ♪

JAM JARS ♪ ♪ JAM JARS ♪ ♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE

♪ JAM JARS ♪ ♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE TABLE ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE TABLE ♪ ♪ TABLE ♪

TABLE ♪ ♪ TABLE ♪ ♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE

♪ TABLE ♪ ♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE ABLE ♪

♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE ABLE ♪ ♪ ABLE ♪

ABLE ♪ ♪ ABLE ♪ ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

♪ ABLE ♪ ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪ ♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ OH, FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ OH, FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ OH, FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪ ♪ WE ALL NEED A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪ ♪ WE ALL NEED A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ OH OH OH ♪

♪ WE ALL NEED A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ OH OH OH ♪ [MUSIC STOPS]

♪ OH OH OH ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, CLIVE. NO, CLIVE. SORRY, CLI... WELL, WELCOME BACK TO THE GREAT BRITAIN TELETHON,

SORRY, CLI... WELL, WELCOME BACK TO THE GREAT BRITAIN TELETHON, WHERE I'M AFRAID THE LATEST NEWS

TO THE GREAT BRITAIN TELETHON, WHERE I'M AFRAID THE LATEST NEWS IS THAT CLIVE DAVIS HAS ASKED

WHERE I'M AFRAID THE LATEST NEWS IS THAT CLIVE DAVIS HAS ASKED FOR HIS MONEY BACK.

IS THAT CLIVE DAVIS HAS ASKED FOR HIS MONEY BACK. SO LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE

FOR HIS MONEY BACK. SO LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE TOTAL.

SO LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE TOTAL. YES.

TOTAL. YES. WELL, WE HAVE GOT A WHOLE BANK

YES. WELL, WE HAVE GOT A WHOLE BANK OF 20 TELEPHONES HERE OPEN FOR

WELL, WE HAVE GOT A WHOLE BANK OF 20 TELEPHONES HERE OPEN FOR THE LAST FINAL RUSH OF

OF 20 TELEPHONES HERE OPEN FOR THE LAST FINAL RUSH OF DONATIONS, IF YOU WILL RUSH TO

THE LAST FINAL RUSH OF DONATIONS, IF YOU WILL RUSH TO YOUR PHONES RIGHT NOW.

DONATIONS, IF YOU WILL RUSH TO YOUR PHONES RIGHT NOW. SO WHILST YOU'RE RINGING IN WITH

YOUR PHONES RIGHT NOW. SO WHILST YOU'RE RINGING IN WITH YOUR LAST-MINUTE PLEDGES, HERE'S

SO WHILST YOU'RE RINGING IN WITH YOUR LAST-MINUTE PLEDGES, HERE'S BILL MURRAY.

YOUR LAST-MINUTE PLEDGES, HERE'S BILL MURRAY. BILL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR

BILL MURRAY. BILL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR US?

BILL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR US? TO RAISE MONEY FOR ENGLAND,

US? TO RAISE MONEY FOR ENGLAND, I'M GONNA CHUG THIS BOTTLE OF

TO RAISE MONEY FOR ENGLAND, I'M GONNA CHUG THIS BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE, ERIC.

I'M GONNA CHUG THIS BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE, ERIC. WONDERFUL.

GRAPE JUICE, ERIC. WONDERFUL. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL

WONDERFUL. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL MURRAY WILL NOW CHUG-A-LUG THE

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL MURRAY WILL NOW CHUG-A-LUG THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A QUART

MURRAY WILL NOW CHUG-A-LUG THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A QUART BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE.

ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A QUART BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE. CAN I HAVE A DRUM ROLL,

BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE. CAN I HAVE A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE?

CAN I HAVE A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE? [DRUM ROLL]

PLEASE? [DRUM ROLL] I CAN'T FINISH IT.

[DRUM ROLL] I CAN'T FINISH IT. TERRIFIC.

I CAN'T FINISH IT. TERRIFIC. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[TELEPHONES RINGING] [INDISTINCT SPEAKING] WELL, WHILST YOU'VE BEEN

[INDISTINCT SPEAKING] WELL, WHILST YOU'VE BEEN AWAY, THINGS HAVE CERTAINLY

WELL, WHILST YOU'VE BEEN AWAY, THINGS HAVE CERTAINLY PERKED UP A BIT HERE.

THE TOTAL NOW IS $35 MILLION,

PLUS JOHN BELUSHI'S VEST.

THIS IS, IN FACT, THANKS TO THE

LATE SALE.

EXXON STEPPED IN AND, IN FACT,

BOUGHT THE QUEEN.

WE HAVEN'T CLINCHED THE DEAL, SO IF ANYBODY, ANY CORPORATIONS ARE WATCHING IN... AT&T... WHO WOULD

IF ANYBODY, ANY CORPORATIONS ARE WATCHING IN... AT&T... WHO WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A QUEEN, SHE HAS A

WATCHING IN... AT&T... WHO WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A QUEEN, SHE HAS A LOT OF EXPERIENCE.

LIKE TO HAVE A QUEEN, SHE HAS A LOT OF EXPERIENCE. THE MONARCHY'S STRETCHED BACK

LOT OF EXPERIENCE. THE MONARCHY'S STRETCHED BACK OVER MANY YEARS.

THE MONARCHY'S STRETCHED BACK OVER MANY YEARS. PLEASE RING IN, AND HERE ARE THE

OVER MANY YEARS. PLEASE RING IN, AND HERE ARE THE NUMBERS.

PLEASE RING IN, AND HERE ARE THE NUMBERS. CAN WE MAKE SOME

NUMBERS. CAN WE MAKE SOME LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS?

CAN WE MAKE SOME LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS? NOT ON THIS PHONE.

LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS? NOT ON THIS PHONE. CALL ON YOUR OWN TIME.

NOT ON THIS PHONE. CALL ON YOUR OWN TIME. OH, JUST A REMINDER TO ALL OF

CALL ON YOUR OWN TIME. OH, JUST A REMINDER TO ALL OF YOU... PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOCKS

OH, JUST A REMINDER TO ALL OF YOU... PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK THIS EVENING AT 2:00.

YOU... PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK THIS EVENING AT 2:00. WE'LL BE LOSING AN... NO, WE'LL

BACK THIS EVENING AT 2:00. WE'LL BE LOSING AN... NO, WE'LL BE GAINING... WE'LL BE... WE'LL

WE'LL BE LOSING AN... NO, WE'LL BE GAINING... WE'LL BE... WE'LL BE... ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR CLOCKS

BE GAINING... WE'LL BE... WE'LL BE... ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD AT 2:00 TO 1:00... NO.

BE... ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD AT 2:00 TO 1:00... NO. PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK TO 2:00...

FORWARD AT 2:00 TO 1:00... NO. PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK TO 2:00... IF YOU PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD

PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK TO 2:00... IF YOU PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD TO 2:00, YOU LOSE... IF...

IF YOU PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD TO 2:00, YOU LOSE... IF... ANYWAY, JUST PUT YOUR CLOCKS

TO 2:00, YOU LOSE... IF... ANYWAY, JUST PUT YOUR CLOCKS UNDER YOUR BED AND FORGET ABOUT

ANYWAY, JUST PUT YOUR CLOCKS UNDER YOUR BED AND FORGET ABOUT THEM.

UNDER YOUR BED AND FORGET ABOUT THEM. WHY IS IT ALWAYS SATURDAY NIGHT?

THEM. WHY IS IT ALWAYS SATURDAY NIGHT? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LOSE AN HOUR

WHY IS IT ALWAYS SATURDAY NIGHT? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LOSE AN HOUR ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LOSE AN HOUR ON SATURDAY NIGHT? WHY CAN'T IT BE BLOODY MONDAY

ON SATURDAY NIGHT? WHY CAN'T IT BE BLOODY MONDAY MORNING, WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING

WHY CAN'T IT BE BLOODY MONDAY MORNING, WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING?

MORNING, WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING? WHY CAN'T IT BE 10:00 AND 11:00

ANYTHING? WHY CAN'T IT BE 10:00 AND 11:00 YOU LOSE AN HOUR?

WHY CAN'T IT BE 10:00 AND 11:00 YOU LOSE AN HOUR? NO, IT HAS TO BE SATURDAY NIGHT,

YOU LOSE AN HOUR? NO, IT HAS TO BE SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN YOU MIGHT BE CHATTING

NO, IT HAS TO BE SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN YOU MIGHT BE CHATTING SOMEBODY UP, YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU MIGHT BE CHATTING SOMEBODY UP, YOU KNOW? YOU MIGHT BE DOING QUITE WELL

SOMEBODY UP, YOU KNOW? YOU MIGHT BE DOING QUITE WELL BETWEEN 2:00 AND 3:00.

YOU MIGHT BE DOING QUITE WELL BETWEEN 2:00 AND 3:00. SHE SAYS, "DARLING, THAT WAS

BETWEEN 2:00 AND 3:00. SHE SAYS, "DARLING, THAT WAS WONDERFUL," AND YOU SAY, "OH,

SHE SAYS, "DARLING, THAT WAS WONDERFUL," AND YOU SAY, "OH, YES."

WONDERFUL," AND YOU SAY, "OH, YES." SHE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE TIME?"

YES." SHE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE TIME?" AND YOU SAY, "BLIMEY, WHAT'S THE

SHE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE TIME?" AND YOU SAY, "BLIMEY, WHAT'S THE TIME?

AND YOU SAY, "BLIMEY, WHAT'S THE TIME? IT'S 5 MINUTES PAST 3:00."

TIME? IT'S 5 MINUTES PAST 3:00." SHE SAYS, "OH, THAT'S THE BEST

IT'S 5 MINUTES PAST 3:00." SHE SAYS, "OH, THAT'S THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN FOR ME."

SHE SAYS, "OH, THAT'S THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN FOR ME." YEAH? YEAH?

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: "SATURDAY NIGHT"

WILL RETURN THREE WEEKS FROM

TONIGHT, WHEN OUR HOST WILL BE

SHELLEY DUVALL, WITH MUSICAL

GUEST JOAN ARMATRADING.

REMEMBER... TONIGHT SET YOUR

CLOCK FORWARD ONE HOUR.

IF YOU HAVE NO CLOCK, JUST COUNT

SLOWLY TO 3,600 AND START YOUR

DAY FROM THERE.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING

GOODBYE.