Original subtitles

HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI. I'M JUST HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE THE SHOW.

I'M JUST HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE THE SHOW. IT'S KIND OF A TRADITION WITH

BEFORE THE SHOW. IT'S KIND OF A TRADITION WITH ME.

IT'S KIND OF A TRADITION WITH ME. [COUGHS]

ME. [COUGHS] HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,"

[COUGHS] HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," WE HAVE ANOTHER TRADITION THAT

HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," WE HAVE ANOTHER TRADITION THAT THE SHOW HAS ALWAYS OPENED WITH

WE HAVE ANOTHER TRADITION THAT THE SHOW HAS ALWAYS OPENED WITH THE WORDS, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

THE SHOW HAS ALWAYS OPENED WITH THE WORDS, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S..."

THE WORDS, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S..." WELL, YOU KNOW THE REST.

IT'S..." WELL, YOU KNOW THE REST. TONIGHT, OUR PRODUCER,

WELL, YOU KNOW THE REST. TONIGHT, OUR PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, HAS CONVINCED

TONIGHT, OUR PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, HAS CONVINCED THE NBC BRASS TO LET ME SAY THE

LORNE MICHAELS, HAS CONVINCED THE NBC BRASS TO LET ME SAY THE WORDS WHICH WILL START TONIGHT'S

THE NBC BRASS TO LET ME SAY THE WORDS WHICH WILL START TONIGHT'S SHOW.

WORDS WHICH WILL START TONIGHT'S SHOW. NOW, IT WAS NO EASY BATTLE.

SHOW. NOW, IT WAS NO EASY BATTLE. I MEAN, WE'VE DONE CLOSE TO

NOW, IT WAS NO EASY BATTLE. I MEAN, WE'VE DONE CLOSE TO 50 SHOWS, AND THIS IS THE FIRST

I MEAN, WE'VE DONE CLOSE TO 50 SHOWS, AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ALLOWED TO DO THE

50 SHOWS, AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ALLOWED TO DO THE OPENING.

TIME I'VE BEEN ALLOWED TO DO THE OPENING. YOU SEE, I'VE GOT A BAD

OPENING. YOU SEE, I'VE GOT A BAD REPUTATION AROUND NBC AS A

YOU SEE, I'VE GOT A BAD REPUTATION AROUND NBC AS A TROUBLEMAKER.

REPUTATION AROUND NBC AS A TROUBLEMAKER. [COUGHS]

TROUBLEMAKER. [COUGHS] THE NETWORK BRASS THINK ALL

[COUGHS] THE NETWORK BRASS THINK ALL ACTORS ARE STUPID.

THE NETWORK BRASS THINK ALL ACTORS ARE STUPID. SO, UH, NATURALLY, ANY ACTOR WHO

ACTORS ARE STUPID. SO, UH, NATURALLY, ANY ACTOR WHO THINKS FOR HIMSELF OR HAS ANY

SO, UH, NATURALLY, ANY ACTOR WHO THINKS FOR HIMSELF OR HAS ANY SORT OF INTELLECT IS A

THINKS FOR HIMSELF OR HAS ANY SORT OF INTELLECT IS A TROUBLEMAKER TO THEM.

SORT OF INTELLECT IS A TROUBLEMAKER TO THEM. LET'S FORGET THAT NOW.

TROUBLEMAKER TO THEM. LET'S FORGET THAT NOW. I MEAN, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT

LET'S FORGET THAT NOW. I MEAN, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.

I MEAN, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW. ANYWAY, THAT...

NOW. ANYWAY, THAT... I KNOW THAT MY BEING OUT HERE

ANYWAY, THAT... I KNOW THAT MY BEING OUT HERE ALONE, AT THE BEGINNING OF A

I KNOW THAT MY BEING OUT HERE ALONE, AT THE BEGINNING OF A LIVE SHOW, REPRESENTS A... A

ALONE, AT THE BEGINNING OF A LIVE SHOW, REPRESENTS A... A SACRED TRUST THE NETWORK HAS

LIVE SHOW, REPRESENTS A... A SACRED TRUST THE NETWORK HAS BESTOWED UPON ME.

SACRED TRUST THE NETWORK HAS BESTOWED UPON ME. BECAUSE, OF COURSE, THE SHOW

BESTOWED UPON ME. BECAUSE, OF COURSE, THE SHOW CANNOT START UNTIL I SAY THOSE

BECAUSE, OF COURSE, THE SHOW CANNOT START UNTIL I SAY THOSE WORDS.

CANNOT START UNTIL I SAY THOSE WORDS. THINK OF IT.

WORDS. THINK OF IT. RIGHT NOW, NBC, ONE OF THE

THINK OF IT. RIGHT NOW, NBC, ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LARGEST CORPORATIONS,

RIGHT NOW, NBC, ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LARGEST CORPORATIONS, WITH BILLIONS IN ASSETS, IS

COUNTRY'S LARGEST CORPORATIONS, WITH BILLIONS IN ASSETS, IS WAITING FOR ME, A STUPID

WITH BILLIONS IN ASSETS, IS WAITING FOR ME, A STUPID TROUBLEMAKING PUNK ACTOR FROM

WAITING FOR ME, A STUPID TROUBLEMAKING PUNK ACTOR FROM WHEATON, ILLINOIS, TO OPEN THE

TROUBLEMAKING PUNK ACTOR FROM WHEATON, ILLINOIS, TO OPEN THE SHOW.

WHEATON, ILLINOIS, TO OPEN THE SHOW. WELL, I'VE GOT THEM WHERE I WANT

SHOW. WELL, I'VE GOT THEM WHERE I WANT THEM.

WELL, I'VE GOT THEM WHERE I WANT THEM. RIGHT IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.

THEM. RIGHT IN THE PALM OF MY HAND. BUT ALTHOUGH I COULD EASILY DO

RIGHT IN THE PALM OF MY HAND. BUT ALTHOUGH I COULD EASILY DO IT, I WOULD NEVER, NEVER... OH,

BUT ALTHOUGH I COULD EASILY DO IT, I WOULD NEVER, NEVER... OH, WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING

IT, I WOULD NEVER, NEVER... OH, WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR? BETRAY THE NETWORK'S

WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR? BETRAY THE NETWORK'S TRUST IN ME.

FOR? BETRAY THE NETWORK'S TRUST IN ME. I WILL SAY THE WORDS, "LIVE

TRUST IN ME. I WILL SAY THE WORDS, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S..." YOU KNOW

I WILL SAY THE WORDS, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S..." YOU KNOW WHAT... WHEN I'M READY.

FROM NEW YORK, IT'S... "YOU KNOW WHAT... WHEN I'M READY. I WILL NOW READ A LIST OF

WHAT... WHEN I'M READY. I WILL NOW READ A LIST OF DEMANDS.

I WILL NOW READ A LIST OF DEMANDS. [LAUGHTER]

DEMANDS. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CLEARS THROAT]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CLEARS THROAT] WHEN THESE DEMANDS ARE MET, I

[CLEARS THROAT] WHEN THESE DEMANDS ARE MET, I WILL SAY THE WORDS THAT OPEN THE

WHEN THESE DEMANDS ARE MET, I WILL SAY THE WORDS THAT OPEN THE SHOW.

WILL SAY THE WORDS THAT OPEN THE SHOW. GET BACK, BOBBY.

SHOW. GET BACK, BOBBY. NOW, I MEAN BUSINESS.

GET BACK, BOBBY. NOW, I MEAN BUSINESS. NO, DON'T TRY AND STOP ME.

NOW, I MEAN BUSINESS. NO, DON'T TRY AND STOP ME. BOB VAN RY, ONE OF OUR STAGE

NO, DON'T TRY AND STOP ME. BOB VAN RY, ONE OF OUR STAGE MANAGERS, A HECK OF A GUY.

BOB VAN RY, ONE OF OUR STAGE MANAGERS, A HECK OF A GUY. LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM.

MANAGERS, A HECK OF A GUY. LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM. A NICE GUY.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM. A NICE GUY. LET'S NOT START ANYTHING, OKAY?

A NICE GUY. LET'S NOT START ANYTHING, OKAY? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S NOT START ANYTHING, OKAY? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CLEARS THROAT]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CLEARS THROAT] FIRST DEMAND.

[CLEARS THROAT] FIRST DEMAND. SEPARATE SHOWERS FOR THE MALE

FIRST DEMAND. SEPARATE SHOWERS FOR THE MALE AND FEMALE CAST MEMBERS.

SEPARATE SHOWERS FOR THE MALE AND FEMALE CAST MEMBERS. NOW, I, MYSELF, DON'T MIND

AND FEMALE CAST MEMBERS. NOW, I, MYSELF, DON'T MIND SHOWERING WITH THE GIRLS, BUT I

NOW, I, MYSELF, DON'T MIND SHOWERING WITH THE GIRLS, BUT I KNOW THE NEW KID, BILL MURRAY,

SHOWERING WITH THE GIRLS, BUT I KNOW THE NEW KID, BILL MURRAY, DOESN'T LIKE IT.

KNOW THE NEW KID, BILL MURRAY, DOESN'T LIKE IT. HE'S SHY.

DOESN'T LIKE IT. HE'S SHY. THE GUY'S BEEN SHOWERING WITH

HE'S SHY. THE GUY'S BEEN SHOWERING WITH HIS SWIM TRUNKS ON, YOU KNOW.

THE GUY'S BEEN SHOWERING WITH HIS SWIM TRUNKS ON, YOU KNOW. IT'S EMBARRASSING.

HIS SWIM TRUNKS ON, YOU KNOW. IT'S EMBARRASSING. BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM?

IT'S EMBARRASSING. BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM? UH, MY SECOND DEMAND.

BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM? UH, MY SECOND DEMAND. BEER FOR THE WHOLE CREW ON WORK

UH, MY SECOND DEMAND. BEER FOR THE WHOLE CREW ON WORK NIGHTS!

BEER FOR THE WHOLE CREW ON WORK NIGHTS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NIGHTS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MY THIRD DEMAND!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MY THIRD DEMAND! FOR MYSELF, I WANT NOTHING.

MY THIRD DEMAND! FOR MYSELF, I WANT NOTHING. BUT FOR MY LOVELY NEW WIFE,

FOR MYSELF, I WANT NOTHING. BUT FOR MY LOVELY NEW WIFE, JUDY, I DEMAND AN

BUT FOR MY LOVELY NEW WIFE, JUDY, I DEMAND AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP FOR TWO TO

JUDY, I DEMAND AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP FOR TWO TO THE NEXT ALI/FOREMAN FIGHT IN

ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP FOR TWO TO THE NEXT ALI/FOREMAN FIGHT IN KOREA, PLUS TWO RINGSIDE SEATS.

THE NEXT ALI/FOREMAN FIGHT IN KOREA, PLUS TWO RINGSIDE SEATS. I CAN WAIT.

KOREA, PLUS TWO RINGSIDE SEATS. I CAN WAIT. HEY.

I CAN WAIT. HEY. I'VE GOT ALL NIGHT.

HEY. I'VE GOT ALL NIGHT. WATCH THIS.

I'VE GOT ALL NIGHT. WATCH THIS. "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

WATCH THIS. "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S THURSDAY NIGHT!"

"LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S THURSDAY NIGHT!" [LAUGHS]

THURSDAY NIGHT!" [LAUGHS] JUST KIDDING, SUCKERS.

[LAUGHS] JUST KIDDING, SUCKERS. AH.

JUST KIDDING, SUCKERS. AH. OOH, WHAT'S THIS?

AH. OOH, WHAT'S THIS? I KNEW THE WEASELS WOULD BACK

OOH, WHAT'S THIS? I KNEW THE WEASELS WOULD BACK DOWN.

I KNEW THE WEASELS WOULD BACK DOWN. OH!

DOWN. OH! HO HO HO.

OH! HO HO HO. "DEAR JOHN, WHATEVER YOUR

HO HO HO. "DEAR JOHN, WHATEVER YOUR DEMANDS ARE, THEY WILL BE MET."

"DEAR JOHN, WHATEVER YOUR DEMANDS ARE, THEY WILL BE MET." HEY, WHAT DID I SAY?

DEMANDS ARE, THEY WILL BE MET." HEY, WHAT DID I SAY? "BUT BEFORE WE DISCUSS THOSE

HEY, WHAT DID I SAY? "BUT BEFORE WE DISCUSS THOSE DEMANDS IN GREATER DETAIL, MAY

"BUT BEFORE WE DISCUSS THOSE DEMANDS IN GREATER DETAIL, MAY WE SAY HOW VERY MUCH WE ADMIRE

DEMANDS IN GREATER DETAIL, MAY WE SAY HOW VERY MUCH WE ADMIRE YOUR ACTING WORK.

WE SAY HOW VERY MUCH WE ADMIRE YOUR ACTING WORK. WE ENJOY ALL YOUR

YOUR ACTING WORK. WE ENJOY ALL YOUR CHARACTERIZATIONS, THOUGH OUR

WE ENJOY ALL YOUR CHARACTERIZATIONS, THOUGH OUR FAVORITES WOULD HAVE TO BE YOUR

CHARACTERIZATIONS, THOUGH OUR FAVORITES WOULD HAVE TO BE YOUR SAMURAI, YOUR BRANDO, YOUR BEE,

FAVORITES WOULD HAVE TO BE YOUR SAMURAI, YOUR BRANDO, YOUR BEE, YOUR JOE COCKER, YOUR 'LIVE FROM

SAMURAI, YOUR BRANDO, YOUR BEE, YOUR JOE COCKER, YOUR 'LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.'"

YOUR JOE COCKER, YOUR 'LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.'" NO, WAIT, STOP!

NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.'" NO, WAIT, STOP! NO, IT'S A TRICK!

NO, WAIT, STOP! NO, IT'S A TRICK! IT'S A TRICK!

NO, IT'S A TRICK! IT'S A TRICK! [BAND PLAYS]

IT'S A TRICK! [BAND PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: NBC's

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...

AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACK BURNS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOO! OH! WELL, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I AM

OH! WELL, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I AM REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT

WELL, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I AM REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT TO HOST THE SHOW.

REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT TO HOST THE SHOW. I AM A LITTLE NERVOUS BECAUSE

TO HOST THE SHOW. I AM A LITTLE NERVOUS BECAUSE IT'S BEEN ABOUT THREE YEARS

I AM A LITTLE NERVOUS BECAUSE IT'S BEEN ABOUT THREE YEARS SINCE I'VE BEEN IN FRONT OF A

IT'S BEEN ABOUT THREE YEARS SINCE I'VE BEEN IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION CAMERA.

SINCE I'VE BEEN IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION CAMERA. I'VE BEEN IN THE HOME FOR

TELEVISION CAMERA. I'VE BEEN IN THE HOME FOR RETIRED COMEDY TEAMS.

I'VE BEEN IN THE HOME FOR RETIRED COMEDY TEAMS. AND...

RETIRED COMEDY TEAMS. AND... [CHUCKLES]

AND... [CHUCKLES] AND, UH, I'M ALWAYS NERVOUS ON

[CHUCKLES] AND, UH, I'M ALWAYS NERVOUS ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

AND, UH, I'M ALWAYS NERVOUS ON SATURDAY NIGHT. IT'S SORT OF A HANGOVER FROM MY

SATURDAY NIGHT. IT'S SORT OF A HANGOVER FROM MY CHILDHOOD.

IT'S SORT OF A HANGOVER FROM MY CHILDHOOD. I GREW UP IN BOSTON, AND, TO ME,

CHILDHOOD. I GREW UP IN BOSTON, AND, TO ME, SATURDAY NIGHT ONLY MEANT ONE

I GREW UP IN BOSTON, AND, TO ME, SATURDAY NIGHT ONLY MEANT ONE THING... GOING TO CONFESSION.

SATURDAY NIGHT ONLY MEANT ONE THING... GOING TO CONFESSION. TO CONFESS YOUR SINS.

THING... GOING TO CONFESSION. TO CONFESS YOUR SINS. YEAH, I CAN STILL REMEMBER THAT,

TO CONFESS YOUR SINS. YEAH, I CAN STILL REMEMBER THAT, DURING THOSE COLD WINTER NIGHTS

YEAH, I CAN STILL REMEMBER THAT, DURING THOSE COLD WINTER NIGHTS DOWN THERE, TRYING TO MAKE UP

DURING THOSE COLD WINTER NIGHTS DOWN THERE, TRYING TO MAKE UP THINGS, YOU KNOW.

DOWN THERE, TRYING TO MAKE UP THINGS, YOU KNOW. AND, UH, I ALWAYS WENT TO

THINGS, YOU KNOW. AND, UH, I ALWAYS WENT TO FATHER NOONAN, THOUGH, BECAUSE

AND, UH, I ALWAYS WENT TO FATHER NOONAN, THOUGH, BECAUSE HE GAVE EASY PENANCE, YOU KNOW.

FATHER NOONAN, THOUGH, BECAUSE HE GAVE EASY PENANCE, YOU KNOW. I'D SAY, UH, "FORGIVE ME,

HE GAVE EASY PENANCE, YOU KNOW. I'D SAY, UH, "FORGIVE ME, FATHER, IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK SINCE

I'D SAY, UH, "FORGIVE ME, FATHER, IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

FATHER, IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION. I TOUCHED MYSELF ONE TIME."

MY LAST CONFESSION. I TOUCHED MYSELF ONE TIME." [COUGHS]

I TOUCHED MYSELF ONE TIME." [COUGHS] YOU KNOW, HE WOULD SAY, "WELL,

[COUGHS] YOU KNOW, HE WOULD SAY, "WELL, UH, SAY ONE HAIL MARY AND WATCH

YOU KNOW, HE WOULD SAY, "WELL, UH, SAY ONE HAIL MARY AND WATCH FIVE EPISODES OF

UH, SAY ONE HAIL MARY AND WATCH FIVE EPISODES OF 'GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, '" YOU KNOW.

FIVE EPISODES OF 'GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, '" YOU KNOW. IT WAS VERY SIMPLE.

'GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, '" YOU KNOW. IT WAS VERY SIMPLE. BUT I STOPPED GOING TO

IT WAS VERY SIMPLE. BUT I STOPPED GOING TO CONFESSION, GANG, AS I'M SURE

BUT I STOPPED GOING TO CONFESSION, GANG, AS I'M SURE MANY OF YOU DID.

CONFESSION, GANG, AS I'M SURE MANY OF YOU DID. I STOPPED GOING BECAUSE, UH,

MANY OF YOU DID. I STOPPED GOING BECAUSE, UH, FATHER NOONAN LEFT THE PARISH.

I STOPPED GOING BECAUSE, UH, FATHER NOONAN LEFT THE PARISH. HE DIDN'T REALLY LEAVE,

FATHER NOONAN LEFT THE PARISH. HE DIDN'T REALLY LEAVE, ACTUALLY.

HE DIDN'T REALLY LEAVE, ACTUALLY. HE GOT TRADED TO ST. LOUIS FOR

ACTUALLY. HE GOT TRADED TO ST. LOUIS FOR FATHER GILHOOEY AND TWO NUNS TO

HE GOT TRADED TO ST. LOUIS FOR FATHER GILHOOEY AND TWO NUNS TO BE NAMED AT A LATER DATE.

FATHER GILHOOEY AND TWO NUNS TO BE NAMED AT A LATER DATE. BUT, UH, FATHER GILHOOEY, WHO

BE NAMED AT A LATER DATE. BUT, UH, FATHER GILHOOEY, WHO CAME IN TO TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU

BUT, UH, FATHER GILHOOEY, WHO CAME IN TO TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU KNOW, HE WAS SORT OF AN OLD

CAME IN TO TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU KNOW, HE WAS SORT OF AN OLD REACTIONARY AND SEXUALLY

KNOW, HE WAS SORT OF AN OLD REACTIONARY AND SEXUALLY MISINFORMED.

REACTIONARY AND SEXUALLY MISINFORMED. UH, HE WOULD SAY, "YOU WHAT?!

MISINFORMED. UH, HE WOULD SAY, "YOU WHAT?! YOU TOUCHED YOURSELF?!

UH, HE WOULD SAY, "YOU WHAT?! YOU TOUCHED YOURSELF?! YOU'RE GONNA GO CRAZY!

YOU TOUCHED YOURSELF?! YOU'RE GONNA GO CRAZY! BESIDES, IT PUTS HAIR ON THE

YOU'RE GONNA GO CRAZY! BESIDES, IT PUTS HAIR ON THE PALM OF YOUR HAND!"

BESIDES, IT PUTS HAIR ON THE PALM OF YOUR HAND!" I HAD THIS DREAD FEAR OF GOING

PALM OF YOUR HAND!" I HAD THIS DREAD FEAR OF GOING TO THE BARBERSHOP AND, YOU KNOW,

I HAD THIS DREAD FEAR OF GOING TO THE BARBERSHOP AND, YOU KNOW, "UH, YOU WANT TO GIVE THIS A

TO THE BARBERSHOP AND, YOU KNOW, "UH, YOU WANT TO GIVE THIS A LITTLE TRIM AROUND THE EDGES

"UH, YOU WANT TO GIVE THIS A LITTLE TRIM AROUND THE EDGES THERE?

LITTLE TRIM AROUND THE EDGES THERE? MAYBE A D.A. STYLE.

THERE? MAYBE A D.A. STYLE. I DON'T KNOW."

MAYBE A D.A. STYLE. I DON'T KNOW." YOU KNOW, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS THAT

I DON'T KNOW." YOU KNOW, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS THAT WAY. EVEN OUR FOOTBALL COACH,

WAY. EVEN OUR FOOTBALL COACH, COACH QUALY, WAS THE SAME.

EVEN OUR FOOTBALL COACH, COACH QUALY, WAS THE SAME. HE WOULD, "I DON'T WANT ANY OF

COACH QUALY, WAS THE SAME. HE WOULD, "I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU PEOPLE TOUCHING YOURSELF

HE WOULD, "I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU PEOPLE TOUCHING YOURSELF DURING THE SEASON.

YOU PEOPLE TOUCHING YOURSELF DURING THE SEASON. IF YOU DO, 9 TIMES OUT OF 10,

DURING THE SEASON. IF YOU DO, 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, WHEN IT'S 4th DOWN AND INCHES TO

IF YOU DO, 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, WHEN IT'S 4th DOWN AND INCHES TO GO, YOU'LL COME UP SHORT BECAUSE

WHEN IT'S 4th DOWN AND INCHES TO GO, YOU'LL COME UP SHORT BECAUSE OF GENITALIA FATIGUE."

GO, YOU'LL COME UP SHORT BECAUSE OF GENITALIA FATIGUE." AND THEN WHEN I WENT INTO THE

OF GENITALIA FATIGUE." AND THEN WHEN I WENT INTO THE MARINE CORPS, IT WAS THE SAME.

AND THEN WHEN I WENT INTO THE MARINE CORPS, IT WAS THE SAME. "MY NAME IS SERGEANT HENNESSY.

MARINE CORPS, IT WAS THE SAME. "MY NAME IS SERGEANT HENNESSY. IF WE CATCH ANY OF YOU PEOPLE

"MY NAME IS SERGEANT HENNESSY. IF WE CATCH ANY OF YOU PEOPLE TOUCHING YOURSELF DURING BOOT

IF WE CATCH ANY OF YOU PEOPLE TOUCHING YOURSELF DURING BOOT CAMP, WE'LL BLOW IT AWAY WITH AN

TOUCHING YOURSELF DURING BOOT CAMP, WE'LL BLOW IT AWAY WITH AN M16."

CAMP, WE'LL BLOW IT AWAY WITH AN M16." THAT WOULD STRAIGHTEN YOU UP

M16." THAT WOULD STRAIGHTEN YOU UP RIGHT AWAY.

THAT WOULD STRAIGHTEN YOU UP RIGHT AWAY. AND I DON'T KNOW.

RIGHT AWAY. AND I DON'T KNOW. BUT TONIGHT, WHEN I CAME ON THE

AND I DON'T KNOW. BUT TONIGHT, WHEN I CAME ON THE SHOW, LORNE... I DIDN'T REALLY

BUT TONIGHT, WHEN I CAME ON THE SHOW, LORNE... I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT, AND

SHOW, LORNE... I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT, AND LORNE SAID, "LOOK, YOU CAN DO

KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT, AND LORNE SAID, "LOOK, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

LORNE SAID, "LOOK, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. IT'S LIVE TV."

WHATEVER YOU WANT. IT'S LIVE TV." SO I THOUGHT ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD,

IT'S LIVE TV." SO I THOUGHT ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD, AND I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING

SO I THOUGHT ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD, AND I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING TONIGHT THAT I COULDN'T DO AS A

AND I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING TONIGHT THAT I COULDN'T DO AS A CHILD BECAUSE OF MY UPBRINGING.

TONIGHT THAT I COULDN'T DO AS A CHILD BECAUSE OF MY UPBRINGING. I AM GOING TO... AND IF THIS IS

CHILD BECAUSE OF MY UPBRINGING. I AM GOING TO... AND IF THIS IS GOING TO OFFEND ANY OF YOU, I

I AM GOING TO... AND IF THIS IS GOING TO OFFEND ANY OF YOU, I WANT YOU TO, YOU KNOW, JUST SORT

GOING TO OFFEND ANY OF YOU, I WANT YOU TO, YOU KNOW, JUST SORT OF, YOU KNOW, TURN YOUR HEADS.

WANT YOU TO, YOU KNOW, JUST SORT OF, YOU KNOW, TURN YOUR HEADS. BUT I'M GONNA TOUCH MYSELF ON

OF, YOU KNOW, TURN YOUR HEADS. BUT I'M GONNA TOUCH MYSELF ON LIVE TV.

BUT I'M GONNA TOUCH MYSELF ON LIVE TV. AND, I MEAN, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU

LIVE TV. AND, I MEAN, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU WANT TO DO THAT, RIGHT?

AND, I MEAN, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU WANT TO DO THAT, RIGHT? WELL, I'M GONNA DO IT NOW.

WANT TO DO THAT, RIGHT? WELL, I'M GONNA DO IT NOW. AND I'M SORRY, MOTHER, BUT THIS

WELL, I'M GONNA DO IT NOW. AND I'M SORRY, MOTHER, BUT THIS IS THE WAY IT IS.

AND I'M SORRY, MOTHER, BUT THIS IS THE WAY IT IS. I'M... OH, GOD!

IS THE WAY IT IS. I'M... OH, GOD! OH, YEAH!

I'M... OH, GOD! OH, YEAH! OH, OOH, OOH, OOH!

OH, YEAH! OH, OOH, OOH, OOH! OH, OH!

OH, OOH, OOH, OOH! OH, OH! YOU KNOW... WHY WOULDN'T THEY LET

OH, OH! YOU KNOW... WHY WOULDN'T THEY LET US DO THAT WHEN WE WERE KIDS?

YOU KNOW... WHY WOULDN'T THEY LET US DO THAT WHEN WE WERE KIDS? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

US DO THAT WHEN WE WERE KIDS? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I WANT YOU TO STAY TUNED NOW FOR

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I WANT YOU TO STAY TUNED NOW FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW, BUT DON'T

I WANT YOU TO STAY TUNED NOW FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW, BUT DON'T TOUCH YOURSELF.

THE REST OF THE SHOW, BUT DON'T TOUCH YOURSELF. IF YOU DO, YOU'LL GO BLIND AND

TOUCH YOURSELF. IF YOU DO, YOU'LL GO BLIND AND MISS WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IF YOU DO, YOU'LL GO BLIND AND MISS WHAT'S HAPPENING. ALL RIGHT, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MISS WHAT'S HAPPENING. ALL RIGHT, GOOD TO SEE YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LARRY FARBER. WHAT? DID YOU USE THE GUEST TOWELS?

WHAT? DID YOU USE THE GUEST TOWELS? I MEAN, I JUST FINISHED CLEANING

DID YOU USE THE GUEST TOWELS? I MEAN, I JUST FINISHED CLEANING THAT BATHROOM.

I MEAN, I JUST FINISHED CLEANING THAT BATHROOM. OUR NEW NEIGHBORS WILL BE OVER

THAT BATHROOM. OUR NEW NEIGHBORS WILL BE OVER ANY MINUTE.

OUR NEW NEIGHBORS WILL BE OVER ANY MINUTE. OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.

ANY MINUTE. OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY. I'LL PUT OUT FRESH ONES.

OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY. I'LL PUT OUT FRESH ONES. OH, NO, NO, NO.

I'LL PUT OUT FRESH ONES. OH, NO, NO, NO. NOW, WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY THEY

OH, NO, NO, NO. NOW, WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY THEY WERE COMING OVER?

NOW, WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY THEY WERE COMING OVER? OH, GEE, I TALKED TO THEM ON

WERE COMING OVER? OH, GEE, I TALKED TO THEM ON THE PHONE.

OH, GEE, I TALKED TO THEM ON THE PHONE. I TOLD THEM TO COME OVER FOR

THE PHONE. I TOLD THEM TO COME OVER FOR DRINKS ABOUT 8:00.

I TOLD THEM TO COME OVER FOR DRINKS ABOUT 8:00. 8:00, YOU BETTER START THE

DRINKS ABOUT 8:00. 8:00, YOU BETTER START THE BROILER, OR WE WON'T HAVE DINNER

8:00, YOU BETTER START THE BROILER, OR WE WON'T HAVE DINNER TILL 10:00.

BROILER, OR WE WON'T HAVE DINNER TILL 10:00. NOW, HOW MANY ARE COMING?

TILL 10:00. NOW, HOW MANY ARE COMING? WELL, I TOLD THE WHOLE

NOW, HOW MANY ARE COMING? WELL, I TOLD THE WHOLE FAMILY, MR. AND MRS. COHEN, UH,

WELL, I TOLD THE WHOLE FAMILY, MR. AND MRS. COHEN, UH, I BELIEVE, AND, UH, THEIR

FAMILY, MR. AND MRS. COHEN, UH, I BELIEVE, AND, UH, THEIR TEENAGE DAUGHTER.

I BELIEVE, AND, UH, THEIR TEENAGE DAUGHTER. OH, WELL, WHAT ARE THEIR

TEENAGE DAUGHTER. OH, WELL, WHAT ARE THEIR FIRST NAMES?

OH, WELL, WHAT ARE THEIR FIRST NAMES? GEE, I FORGOT TO ASK.

FIRST NAMES? GEE, I FORGOT TO ASK. [DOORBELL RINGS]

GEE, I FORGOT TO ASK. [DOORBELL RINGS] OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

[DOORBELL RINGS] OH, WAIT A MINUTE. THERE THEY ARE.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. THERE THEY ARE. OKAY, JUST...

THERE THEY ARE. OKAY, JUST... GREETINGS.

OH, HI. LARRY, IT'S OUR NEW NEIGHBORS. UH, I'M BOBBI FARBER, AND THIS

LARRY, IT'S OUR NEW NEIGHBORS. UH, I'M BOBBI FARBER, AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND, LARRY.

UH, I'M BOBBI FARBER, AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND, LARRY. HI, HOW ARE YOU?

IS MY HUSBAND, LARRY. HI, HOW ARE YOU? YOU CAN JUST CALL ME "THE FARB."

HI, HOW ARE YOU? YOU CAN JUST CALL ME "THE FARB." [BOTH CHUCKLE]

YOU CAN JUST CALL ME "THE FARB." [BOTH CHUCKLE] I AM BELDAR.

[BOTH CHUCKLE] I AM BELDAR. THIS IS PRYMATT AND CONNIE.

I AM BELDAR. THIS IS PRYMATT AND CONNIE. I TRUST WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE

THIS IS PRYMATT AND CONNIE. I TRUST WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE PREDESIGNATED TIME COORDINATES.

I TRUST WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE PREDESIGNATED TIME COORDINATES. WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU'RE A BIT

PREDESIGNATED TIME COORDINATES. WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU'RE A BIT EARLY, BUT THAT'S OKAY.

WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU'RE A BIT EARLY, BUT THAT'S OKAY. UH, LOOK, COME ON IN AND SIT

EARLY, BUT THAT'S OKAY. UH, LOOK, COME ON IN AND SIT DOWN.

UH, LOOK, COME ON IN AND SIT DOWN. JUST DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON THE

DOWN. JUST DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON THE FURNITURE.

JUST DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON THE FURNITURE. THAT'S THE ONLY RULE WE HAVE

FURNITURE. THAT'S THE ONLY RULE WE HAVE AROUND HERE.

THAT'S THE ONLY RULE WE HAVE AROUND HERE. [CHUCKLES]

AROUND HERE. [CHUCKLES] OTHER THAN THAT, YOU CAN GO

[CHUCKLES] OTHER THAN THAT, YOU CAN GO CRAZY.

OTHER THAN THAT, YOU CAN GO CRAZY. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

CRAZY. [BOTH CHUCKLE] UH, COHEN, COHEN.

[BOTH CHUCKLE] UH, COHEN, COHEN. IS THAT SPELLED WITH AN "H"?

UH, COHEN, COHEN. IS THAT SPELLED WITH AN "H"? CONEHEAD.

IS THAT SPELLED WITH AN "H"? CONEHEAD. THE NAME IS CONEHEAD.

CONEHEAD. THE NAME IS CONEHEAD. WE COME FROM FRANCE.

THE NAME IS CONEHEAD. WE COME FROM FRANCE. OH!

WE COME FROM FRANCE. OH! OH, FRANCE.

OH! OH, FRANCE. WELL, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

OH, FRANCE. WELL, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. [CLEARS THROAT]

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. [CLEARS THROAT] SO, UH, YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA

[CLEARS THROAT] SO, UH, YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE YOUR NEW HOUSE?

SO, UH, YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE YOUR NEW HOUSE? IT WILL BE MORE THAN ADEQUATE

LIKE YOUR NEW HOUSE? IT WILL BE MORE THAN ADEQUATE SHELTER.

IT WILL BE MORE THAN ADEQUATE SHELTER. IT IS ALSO VISUALLY PLEASING.

SHELTER. IT IS ALSO VISUALLY PLEASING. WHY WAS IT GLOWING LAST

IT IS ALSO VISUALLY PLEASING. WHY WAS IT GLOWING LAST NIGHT?

WHY WAS IT GLOWING LAST NIGHT? YEAH, UH, WELL, UH, SAY, HOW

NIGHT? YEAH, UH, WELL, UH, SAY, HOW ABOUT A DRINK?

YEAH, UH, WELL, UH, SAY, HOW ABOUT A DRINK? WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?

ABOUT A DRINK? WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH? HOW ABOUT A DRINK?

WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH? HOW ABOUT A DRINK? MOST CERTAINLY.

HOW ABOUT A DRINK? MOST CERTAINLY. WE WOULD ENJOY CONSUMING MASS

MOST CERTAINLY. WE WOULD ENJOY CONSUMING MASS QUANTITIES OF ANY SUBSTANCE YOU

WE WOULD ENJOY CONSUMING MASS QUANTITIES OF ANY SUBSTANCE YOU HAVE TO OFFER.

QUANTITIES OF ANY SUBSTANCE YOU HAVE TO OFFER. YES, I DIG LIQUIDS.

HAVE TO OFFER. YES, I DIG LIQUIDS. WELL, COME ON.

YES, I DIG LIQUIDS. WELL, COME ON. COME ON, PRYMATT.

WELL, COME ON. COME ON, PRYMATT. COME WITH ME TO THE KITCHEN.

COME ON, PRYMATT. COME WITH ME TO THE KITCHEN. I... I JUST REMODELED.

COME WITH ME TO THE KITCHEN. I... I JUST REMODELED. VERY, VERY ATTRACTIVE WIFE

I... I JUST REMODELED. VERY, VERY ATTRACTIVE WIFE YOU HAVE THERE.

VERY, VERY ATTRACTIVE WIFE YOU HAVE THERE. SHE'S QUITE A... QUITE A...

YOU HAVE THERE. SHE'S QUITE A... QUITE A... HEY, UH, THAT'S ANOTHER RULE

SHE'S QUITE A... QUITE A... HEY, UH, THAT'S ANOTHER RULE WE'VE GOT.

HEY, UH, THAT'S ANOTHER RULE WE'VE GOT. YEAH, YO.

WE'VE GOT. YEAH, YO. HEY, UH, BELDAR, THAT'S A...

YEAH, YO. HEY, UH, BELDAR, THAT'S A... [COUGHS]

HEY, UH, BELDAR, THAT'S A... [COUGHS] THAT'S ANOTHER RULE WE HAVE

[COUGHS] THAT'S ANOTHER RULE WE HAVE AROUND THE FARBER HOUSEHOLD.

THAT'S ANOTHER RULE WE HAVE AROUND THE FARBER HOUSEHOLD. NO SMOKING.

AROUND THE FARBER HOUSEHOLD. NO SMOKING. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SOMETHING

NO SMOKING. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT BOTHERS ME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT BOTHERS ME. I WILL COMPLY.

THAT BOTHERS ME. I WILL COMPLY. THANK YOU.

I WILL COMPLY. THANK YOU. I MEAN, UH, THERE'S NO SMOKING,

THANK YOU. I MEAN, UH, THERE'S NO SMOKING, NO PUTTING YOUR FEET ON THE

I MEAN, UH, THERE'S NO SMOKING, NO PUTTING YOUR FEET ON THE TABLE.

NO PUTTING YOUR FEET ON THE TABLE. I MEAN, OTHER THAN THAT, YOU CAN

TABLE. I MEAN, OTHER THAN THAT, YOU CAN GO NUTS HERE.

I MEAN, OTHER THAN THAT, YOU CAN GO NUTS HERE. [CHUCKLES]

GO NUTS HERE. [CHUCKLES] WHAT IS THIS CUBICLE OBJECT?

[CHUCKLES] WHAT IS THIS CUBICLE OBJECT? OH, OH, THOSE ARE SOME

WHAT IS THIS CUBICLE OBJECT? OH, OH, THOSE ARE SOME PICTURES THAT, UH, WE TOOK ON

OH, OH, THOSE ARE SOME PICTURES THAT, UH, WE TOOK ON OUR TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD.

PICTURES THAT, UH, WE TOOK ON OUR TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD. DISNEY WORLD?

OUR TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD. DISNEY WORLD? YES, A VAST MAN-MADE

DISNEY WORLD? YES, A VAST MAN-MADE CONSTRUCTION WHICH DUPLICATES

YES, A VAST MAN-MADE CONSTRUCTION WHICH DUPLICATES HUMAN PSYCHOSEXUAL EXPERIENCES

CONSTRUCTION WHICH DUPLICATES HUMAN PSYCHOSEXUAL EXPERIENCES THROUGH TENSION-RELEASING

HUMAN PSYCHOSEXUAL EXPERIENCES THROUGH TENSION-RELEASING FANTASY MECHANISMS.

THROUGH TENSION-RELEASING FANTASY MECHANISMS. YEAH, THAT'S ME ON THE

FANTASY MECHANISMS. YEAH, THAT'S ME ON THE PIRATE RIDE HERE.

YEAH, THAT'S ME ON THE PIRATE RIDE HERE. SIMILAR TO THE VACTROTH PODS

PIRATE RIDE HERE. SIMILAR TO THE VACTROTH PODS OF REMULAK.

SIMILAR TO THE VACTROTH PODS OF REMULAK. YEAH, REMULAK.

OF REMULAK. YEAH, REMULAK. WHAT IS THAT, A COUGH MEDICINE?

YEAH, REMULAK. WHAT IS THAT, A COUGH MEDICINE? NO, IT'S A SMALL TOWN IN

WHAT IS THAT, A COUGH MEDICINE? NO, IT'S A SMALL TOWN IN FRANCE.

NO, IT'S A SMALL TOWN IN FRANCE. OH, RIGHT.

FRANCE. OH, RIGHT. WELL, EVERYBODY, HERE'S THE

OH, RIGHT. WELL, EVERYBODY, HERE'S THE DRINKS.

WELL, EVERYBODY, HERE'S THE DRINKS. HAVE ONE OR TWO.

DRINKS. HAVE ONE OR TWO. RIGHT, YOU KNOW, LARRY USED TO

HAVE ONE OR TWO. RIGHT, YOU KNOW, LARRY USED TO BE A SEMIPROFESSIONAL BARTENDER.

RIGHT, YOU KNOW, LARRY USED TO BE A SEMIPROFESSIONAL BARTENDER. OH, COME ON, I DO IT...

BE A SEMIPROFESSIONAL BARTENDER. OH, COME ON, I DO IT... I DO IT TWICE A YEAR FOR THE

OH, COME ON, I DO IT... I DO IT TWICE A YEAR FOR THE VFW.

I DO IT TWICE A YEAR FOR THE VFW. OH, RIGHT.

VFW. OH, RIGHT. OH.

OH, RIGHT. OH. BOY, YOU PEOPLE SURE KNOW HOW

OH. BOY, YOU PEOPLE SURE KNOW HOW TO SUCK IT BACK, DON'T YOU, HUH?

BOY, YOU PEOPLE SURE KNOW HOW TO SUCK IT BACK, DON'T YOU, HUH? WHERE DO YOU PUT IT ALL, HUH?

TO SUCK IT BACK, DON'T YOU, HUH? WHERE DO YOU PUT IT ALL, HUH? LARRY, LARRY, LARRY.

WHERE DO YOU PUT IT ALL, HUH? LARRY, LARRY, LARRY. WHY... WHY... WHY DON'T YOU HAVE

LARRY, LARRY, LARRY. WHY... WHY... WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOME CHIPS AND DIP?

WHY... WHY... WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOME CHIPS AND DIP? ENJOY YOURSELVES.

SOME CHIPS AND DIP? ENJOY YOURSELVES. OH, HERE.

ENJOY YOURSELVES. OH, HERE. WATCH THE TABLE.

OH, HERE. WATCH THE TABLE. LARRY, LARRY, STOP IT.

WATCH THE TABLE. LARRY, LARRY, STOP IT. OH, LARRY, NOW, I DON'T WANT YOU

LARRY, LARRY, STOP IT. OH, LARRY, NOW, I DON'T WANT YOU TO DRINK...

OH, LARRY, NOW, I DON'T WANT YOU TO DRINK... LARRY, DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH.

TO DRINK... LARRY, DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH. NOW, YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED

LARRY, DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH. NOW, YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST YEAR WHEN I DRANK ALL

NOW, YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST YEAR WHEN I DRANK ALL THAT KAHLúA AND ATE ALL THOSE

TO ME LAST YEAR WHEN I DRANK ALL THAT KAHLúA AND ATE ALL THOSE SCALLOPS.

THAT KAHLúA AND ATE ALL THOSE SCALLOPS. WOW, BOY, DID SHE GET SICK.

SCALLOPS. WOW, BOY, DID SHE GET SICK. AND GUESS WHO HAD TO CLEAN IT

WOW, BOY, DID SHE GET SICK. AND GUESS WHO HAD TO CLEAN IT UP.

AND GUESS WHO HAD TO CLEAN IT UP. YOU HAD TO SEE IT.

UP. YOU HAD TO SEE IT. SCALLOPS AND KAHLúA ALL OVER THE

YOU HAD TO SEE IT. SCALLOPS AND KAHLúA ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR.

SCALLOPS AND KAHLúA ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

BATHROOM FLOOR. [BOTH CHUCKLE] [CONEHEADS LAUGH LOUDLY]

[BOTH CHUCKLE] [CONEHEADS LAUGH LOUDLY] THAT WAS FUNNY.

[CONEHEADS LAUGH LOUDLY] THAT WAS FUNNY. WOW, GEE, WE'RE STILL AROUND

THAT WAS FUNNY. WOW, GEE, WE'RE STILL AROUND AN HOUR AWAY FROM DINNER.

WOW, GEE, WE'RE STILL AROUND AN HOUR AWAY FROM DINNER. WHY DON'T WE PLAY A LITTLE

AN HOUR AWAY FROM DINNER. WHY DON'T WE PLAY A LITTLE SCRABBLE?

WHY DON'T WE PLAY A LITTLE SCRABBLE? SCRABBLE?

SCRABBLE? SCRABBLE? SCRABBLE?

SCRABBLE? SCRABBLE? SMALL ROCKS FOR PAVING ROADS?

SCRABBLE? SMALL ROCKS FOR PAVING ROADS? NO, NO, THAT'S GRAVEL.

SMALL ROCKS FOR PAVING ROADS? NO, NO, THAT'S GRAVEL. UM, YOU KNOW SCRABBLE.

NO, NO, THAT'S GRAVEL. UM, YOU KNOW SCRABBLE. IT'S A GAME.

UM, YOU KNOW SCRABBLE. IT'S A GAME. HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF

IT'S A GAME. HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF SCRABBLE?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF SCRABBLE? DO YOU HAVE AN INSTRUCTION

SCRABBLE? DO YOU HAVE AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL?

DO YOU HAVE AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL? OH, YES, ONE SECOND.

MANUAL? OH, YES, ONE SECOND. YEAH, WE DO.

OH, YES, ONE SECOND. YEAH, WE DO. IT'S WRITTEN RIGHT IN HERE.

YEAH, WE DO. IT'S WRITTEN RIGHT IN HERE. HERE YOU GO.

IT'S WRITTEN RIGHT IN HERE. HERE YOU GO. RIGHT THERE ON THE BACK.

HERE YOU GO. RIGHT THERE ON THE BACK. ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT THERE ON THE BACK. ALL RIGHT. [LOUD BEEP]

ALL RIGHT. [LOUD BEEP] [LOUD BEEP]

[LOUD BEEP] [LOUD BEEP] [LOUD BEEP]

[LOUD BEEP] [LOUD BEEP] SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE,

[LOUD BEEP] SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE,

SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE.

SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE. I'LL KEEP SCORE, OKAY.

SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE. I'LL KEEP SCORE, OKAY. YOU KEEP SCORE, LARRY.

I'LL KEEP SCORE, OKAY. YOU KEEP SCORE, LARRY. I'LL KEEP SOME SCORE HERE.

YOU KEEP SCORE, LARRY. I'LL KEEP SOME SCORE HERE. YOU CATCH ON PRETTY FAST, YOU

I'LL KEEP SOME SCORE HERE. YOU CATCH ON PRETTY FAST, YOU KNOW.

YOU CATCH ON PRETTY FAST, YOU KNOW. LET US COMMENCE.

KNOW. LET US COMMENCE. OKAY.

LET US COMMENCE. OKAY. OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

OKAY. OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVE A WORD HERE.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVE A WORD HERE. I'LL GO FIRST.

I HAVE A WORD HERE. I'LL GO FIRST. F-R-E-S-C-A.

I'LL GO FIRST. F-R-E-S-C-A. "FRESCA."

F-R-E-S-C-A. "FRESCA." HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

"FRESCA." HOLD IT, HOLD IT. YOU CAN'T USE THAT.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT. YOU CAN'T USE THAT. WHY NOT?

YOU CAN'T USE THAT. WHY NOT? 'CAUSE IT'S A SOFT DRINK.

WHY NOT? 'CAUSE IT'S A SOFT DRINK. SO WHAT?

'CAUSE IT'S A SOFT DRINK. SO WHAT? OKAY.

SO WHAT? OKAY. S-E-B-F-A-R-G.

OKAY. S-E-B-F-A-R-G. "SEBFARG."

S-E-B-F-A-R-G. "SEBFARG." HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

"SEBFARG." HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT. NOW, WHAT'S A SEBFARG?

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT. NOW, WHAT'S A SEBFARG? SEBFARG... ONE OF THE 10

NOW, WHAT'S A SEBFARG? SEBFARG... ONE OF THE 10 PROTOIDS, SELF-REPRODUCING FUEL

SEBFARG... ONE OF THE 10 PROTOIDS, SELF-REPRODUCING FUEL SOURCE USED IN OUR EARLY STAR

PROTOIDS, SELF-REPRODUCING FUEL SOURCE USED IN OUR EARLY STAR CRUISERS.

SOURCE USED IN OUR EARLY STAR CRUISERS. IN FRANCE.

CRUISERS. IN FRANCE. YES.

IN FRANCE. YES. OKAY.

YES. OKAY. OH, I SEE.

OKAY. OH, I SEE. HOW MANY YOU GOT THERE?

OH, I SEE. HOW MANY YOU GOT THERE? 1, 2...

HOW MANY YOU GOT THERE? 1, 2... K-L-A-T-U.

1, 2... K-L-A-T-U. "KLATU."

K-L-A-T-U. "KLATU." AH.

"KLATU." AH. HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T PLAY

AH. HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T PLAY THIS GAME IF WE KEEP USING

HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T PLAY THIS GAME IF WE KEEP USING FRENCH WORDS.

THIS GAME IF WE KEEP USING FRENCH WORDS. I DON'T KNOW.

FRENCH WORDS. I DON'T KNOW. RIGHT, LARRY DOESN'T KNOW

I DON'T KNOW. RIGHT, LARRY DOESN'T KNOW FRENCH BECAUSE HE'S A SALESMAN.

RIGHT, LARRY DOESN'T KNOW FRENCH BECAUSE HE'S A SALESMAN. HEY, I'M NOT A SALESMAN

FRENCH BECAUSE HE'S A SALESMAN. HEY, I'M NOT A SALESMAN ANYMORE, YOU KNOW.

HEY, I'M NOT A SALESMAN ANYMORE, YOU KNOW. I'VE GOT A LITTLE PIECE OF THE

ANYMORE, YOU KNOW. I'VE GOT A LITTLE PIECE OF THE ACTION NOW, YOU KNOW.

I'VE GOT A LITTLE PIECE OF THE ACTION NOW, YOU KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR BAG IS,

ACTION NOW, YOU KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR BAG IS, BELDAR, BUT, UH, I'M DOING

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR BAG IS, BELDAR, BUT, UH, I'M DOING PRETTY WELL RIGHT NOW IN, UH,

BELDAR, BUT, UH, I'M DOING PRETTY WELL RIGHT NOW IN, UH, WOMEN'S COMMERCIAL HAIR DRYERS.

PRETTY WELL RIGHT NOW IN, UH, WOMEN'S COMMERCIAL HAIR DRYERS. Both: HAIR DRYERS?

WOMEN'S COMMERCIAL HAIR DRYERS. Both: HAIR DRYERS? OH, YEAH, I DISTRIBUTE THEM

Both: HAIR DRYERS? OH, YEAH, I DISTRIBUTE THEM ON THE WHOLESALE LEVEL.

OH, YEAH, I DISTRIBUTE THEM ON THE WHOLESALE LEVEL. OH, SHOW THEM, LARRY.

ON THE WHOLESALE LEVEL. OH, SHOW THEM, LARRY. GO AND SHOW THEM.

OH, SHOW THEM, LARRY. GO AND SHOW THEM. LARRY IS THE BEST SALESMAN IN

GO AND SHOW THEM. LARRY IS THE BEST SALESMAN IN HIS DISTRICT, REALLY.

LARRY IS THE BEST SALESMAN IN HIS DISTRICT, REALLY. THIS YEAR, HE'S DONE INCREDIBLY

HIS DISTRICT, REALLY. THIS YEAR, HE'S DONE INCREDIBLY WELL.

THIS YEAR, HE'S DONE INCREDIBLY WELL. I'M VERY PROUD OF HIM.

WELL. I'M VERY PROUD OF HIM. WE CALL THIS ONE THE FARM.

I'M VERY PROUD OF HIM. WE CALL THIS ONE THE FARM. RIGHT.

WE CALL THIS ONE THE FARM. RIGHT. [CONEHEADS SCREAMING]

L-LARRY? YES, HONEY? DO YOU... DO YOU THINK "HAIR

YES, HONEY? DO YOU... DO YOU THINK "HAIR DRYER" MEANS SOMETHING BAD IN

DO YOU... DO YOU THINK "HAIR DRYER" MEANS SOMETHING BAD IN FRENCH?

DRYER" MEANS SOMETHING BAD IN FRENCH? I DON'T KNOW.

FRENCH? I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS. [APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SANTANA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SANTANA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "BLACK MAGIC WOMAN"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "BLACK MAGIC WOMAN" PLAYS]

♪ I GOT A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪ ♪ GOT A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪ ♪ YES ♪

♪ GOT A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪ ♪ YES ♪ ♪ SHE'S A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪

♪ YES ♪ ♪ SHE'S A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪ ♪ SHE'S GOT ME SO BLIND, I CAN'T

♪ SHE'S A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪ ♪ SHE'S GOT ME SO BLIND, I CAN'T SEE ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT ME SO BLIND, I CAN'T SEE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

SEE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SHE'S A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SHE'S A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪ ♪ SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE A DEVIL

♪ SHE'S A BLACK-MAGIC WOMAN ♪ ♪ SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE A DEVIL OUT OF ME ♪

♪ SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE A DEVIL OUT OF ME ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME,

OUT OF ME ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME,

BABY ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME,

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ STOP MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR

BABY ♪ ♪ STOP MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR TRICKS, BABY ♪

♪ STOP MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR TRICKS, BABY ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME,

TRICKS, BABY ♪ ♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ I JUST MIGHT PULL OUT MY MAGIC

BABY ♪ ♪ I JUST MIGHT PULL OUT MY MAGIC STICKS ♪

♪ I JUST MIGHT PULL OUT MY MAGIC STICKS ♪ [GUITAR SOLO]

♪ YOU GOT YOUR SPELL ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ GOT YOUR SPELL ON ME, BABY ♪

BABY ♪ ♪ GOT YOUR SPELL ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ GOT YOUR SPELL ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ YOU GOT YOUR SPELL ON ME,

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ YOU GOT YOUR SPELL ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ YOU GOT YOUR SPELL ON ME, BABY ♪ ♪ IT'S TURNING MY HEART INTO

BABY ♪ ♪ IT'S TURNING MY HEART INTO STONE ♪

♪ IT'S TURNING MY HEART INTO STONE ♪ ♪ BUT I NEED YOU SO BAD ♪

STONE ♪ ♪ BUT I NEED YOU SO BAD ♪ ♪ MAGIC WOMAN, PLEASE DON'T

♪ BUT I NEED YOU SO BAD ♪ ♪ MAGIC WOMAN, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE ♪

♪ MAGIC WOMAN, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE ♪ [GUITAR SOLO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

["THE MARINES HYMN" PLAYS] WELL, SIR, MY FIANCéE AND ME ARE HONORED THAT YOU ARE

WELL, SIR, MY FIANCéE AND ME ARE HONORED THAT YOU ARE PERFORMING THE CEREMONY TODAY.

ARE HONORED THAT YOU ARE PERFORMING THE CEREMONY TODAY. WELL, SON, IN ALL MY CAREER

PERFORMING THE CEREMONY TODAY. WELL, SON, IN ALL MY CAREER AS A CHAPLAIN IN THE SERVICE,

WELL, SON, IN ALL MY CAREER AS A CHAPLAIN IN THE SERVICE, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER

AS A CHAPLAIN IN THE SERVICE, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER MET A FEMALE MARINE, YOU KNOW.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER MET A FEMALE MARINE, YOU KNOW. YEAH, WELL, THIS IS THE NEW

MET A FEMALE MARINE, YOU KNOW. YEAH, WELL, THIS IS THE NEW CORPS, SIR.

YEAH, WELL, THIS IS THE NEW CORPS, SIR. THERE ARE A LOT OF LADY

CORPS, SIR. THERE ARE A LOT OF LADY LEATHERNECKS.

THERE ARE A LOT OF LADY LEATHERNECKS. UH, SHE'S BEEN IN THREE YEARS

LEATHERNECKS. UH, SHE'S BEEN IN THREE YEARS NOW, AND I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.

UH, SHE'S BEEN IN THREE YEARS NOW, AND I LOVE HER VERY MUCH. WELL, I'VE SPRINKLED HOLY

NOW, AND I LOVE HER VERY MUCH. WELL, I'VE SPRINKLED HOLY WATER ON THE BOYS IN THE

WELL, I'VE SPRINKLED HOLY WATER ON THE BOYS IN THE SOLOMONS.

WATER ON THE BOYS IN THE SOLOMONS. I'VE CHRISTENED A NEWLY BORN

SOLOMONS. I'VE CHRISTENED A NEWLY BORN KOREAN BABY IN A MACHINE-GUN

I'VE CHRISTENED A NEWLY BORN KOREAN BABY IN A MACHINE-GUN NEST ON HILL 249.

KOREAN BABY IN A MACHINE-GUN NEST ON HILL 249. I BLESSED THE JETS AT THANH HOA,

NEST ON HILL 249. I BLESSED THE JETS AT THANH HOA, BUT I'VE NEVER, EVER MARRIED TWO

I BLESSED THE JETS AT THANH HOA, BUT I'VE NEVER, EVER MARRIED TWO MARINES, AND I DON'T EXPECT THIS

BUT I'VE NEVER, EVER MARRIED TWO MARINES, AND I DON'T EXPECT THIS TO BE AN EASY WEDDING.

MARINES, AND I DON'T EXPECT THIS TO BE AN EASY WEDDING. WE ARE PREPARED TO DIE IF

TO BE AN EASY WEDDING. WE ARE PREPARED TO DIE IF NECESSARY.

WE ARE PREPARED TO DIE IF NECESSARY. GOOD, GOOD.

NECESSARY. GOOD, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED.

GOOD, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED. [CLEARS THROAT]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED. [CLEARS THROAT] PARENTS, FRIENDS, AND RELATIVES,

[CLEARS THROAT] PARENTS, FRIENDS, AND RELATIVES, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY IN

PARENTS, FRIENDS, AND RELATIVES, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY IN THIS SHIP TO UNITE THIS MAN,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY IN THIS SHIP TO UNITE THIS MAN, SERGEANT LOUIS BOYD, AND, UH,

THIS SHIP TO UNITE THIS MAN, SERGEANT LOUIS BOYD, AND, UH, THIS WOMAN, PRIVATE

SERGEANT LOUIS BOYD, AND, UH, THIS WOMAN, PRIVATE KATHRYN LAZETTI, IN HOLY

THIS WOMAN, PRIVATE KATHRYN LAZETTI, IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

KATHRYN LAZETTI, IN HOLY MATRIMONY. LET US BE MINDFUL, HOWEVER, IN

MATRIMONY. LET US BE MINDFUL, HOWEVER, IN ONE SENSE, THAT THESE TWO PEOPLE

LET US BE MINDFUL, HOWEVER, IN ONE SENSE, THAT THESE TWO PEOPLE ARE ALREADY UNITED UNDER THE

ONE SENSE, THAT THESE TWO PEOPLE ARE ALREADY UNITED UNDER THE HOLIEST OF ALL MATRIMONIES, A

ARE ALREADY UNITED UNDER THE HOLIEST OF ALL MATRIMONIES, A COMMITMENT TO THE

HOLIEST OF ALL MATRIMONIES, A COMMITMENT TO THE UNITED STATES MARINES.

COMMITMENT TO THE UNITED STATES MARINES. AM I RIGHT, SERGEANT BOYD?

UNITED STATES MARINES. AM I RIGHT, SERGEANT BOYD? YES, SIR.

AM I RIGHT, SERGEANT BOYD? YES, SIR. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

YES, SIR. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YES, SIR!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YES, SIR! I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU.

YES, SIR! I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU. YES, SIR!!

I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU. YES, SIR!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

YES, SIR!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YES, SIR!!!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YES, SIR!!! LIVING WITHIN THE SACRED,

YES, SIR!!! LIVING WITHIN THE SACRED, SACRED BONDS OF WEDLOCK REQUIRES

LIVING WITHIN THE SACRED, SACRED BONDS OF WEDLOCK REQUIRES LOVE, PATIENCE, AND

SACRED BONDS OF WEDLOCK REQUIRES LOVE, PATIENCE, AND CONSIDERATION ON THE PART OF

LOVE, PATIENCE, AND CONSIDERATION ON THE PART OF BOTH.

CONSIDERATION ON THE PART OF BOTH. THE REWARDS, OF COURSE, ARE THE

BOTH. THE REWARDS, OF COURSE, ARE THE WARMTH AND GROWING BEAUTY WHICH

THE REWARDS, OF COURSE, ARE THE WARMTH AND GROWING BEAUTY WHICH GROWS FROM A LIFELONG

WARMTH AND GROWING BEAUTY WHICH GROWS FROM A LIFELONG COMPANIONSHIP.

GROWS FROM A LIFELONG COMPANIONSHIP. RIGHT, MAGGOT?

COMPANIONSHIP. RIGHT, MAGGOT? YES, SIR.

RIGHT, MAGGOT? YES, SIR. RIGHT, MAGGOT?!

YES, SIR. RIGHT, MAGGOT?! YES, SIR!

RIGHT, MAGGOT?! YES, SIR! SLIME?!

YES, SIR! SLIME?! YES, SIR!

SLIME?! YES, SIR! WHAT ARE YOU?!

YES, SIR! WHAT ARE YOU?! WE ARE SLIME, SIR!

WHAT ARE YOU?! WE ARE SLIME, SIR! LOUDER!

WE ARE SLIME, SIR! LOUDER! WE ARE SLIME, SIR!!

LOUDER! WE ARE SLIME, SIR!! LOUDER!!

WE ARE SLIME, SIR!! LOUDER!! WE ARE SLIME, SIR!!!

LOUDER!! WE ARE SLIME, SIR!!! DO YOU...

WE ARE SLIME, SIR!!! DO YOU... DO YOU, SERGEANT BOYD, TAKE THIS

DO YOU... DO YOU, SERGEANT BOYD, TAKE THIS WOMAN, KATHRYN LAZETTI, TO BE

DO YOU, SERGEANT BOYD, TAKE THIS WOMAN, KATHRYN LAZETTI, TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE, TO

WOMAN, KATHRYN LAZETTI, TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, IN SICKNESS

YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH, FOR RICHER AND

HAVE AND TO HOLD, IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH, FOR RICHER AND POORER UNTIL THE DEATH DO YOU

AND HEALTH, FOR RICHER AND POORER UNTIL THE DEATH DO YOU PART?

POORER UNTIL THE DEATH DO YOU PART? I DO.

PART? I DO. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I DO. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I DO.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I DO. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I DO. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I DO!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I DO! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

I DO! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I DO, SIR!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I DO, SIR! AND DO YOU...

I DO, SIR! AND DO YOU... DO YOU, PRIVATE LAZETTI...

AND DO YOU... DO YOU, PRIVATE LAZETTI... KNOW THE CATEGORIES OF EXPLOSIVE

DO YOU, PRIVATE LAZETTI... KNOW THE CATEGORIES OF EXPLOSIVE MINES?!

KNOW THE CATEGORIES OF EXPLOSIVE MINES?! SOUND OFF ON THE DOUBLE!

MINES?! SOUND OFF ON THE DOUBLE! ANTITANK, ANTIPERSONNEL,

SOUND OFF ON THE DOUBLE! ANTITANK, ANTIPERSONNEL, ANTIAIRBORNE, ANTIAMPHIBIOUS,

ANTITANK, ANTIPERSONNEL, ANTIAIRBORNE, ANTIAMPHIBIOUS, SIR!

ANTIAIRBORNE, ANTIAMPHIBIOUS, SIR! AND DO YOU TAKE THIS MAGGOT,

SIR! AND DO YOU TAKE THIS MAGGOT, SERGEANT LOUIS BOYD?

AND DO YOU TAKE THIS MAGGOT, SERGEANT LOUIS BOYD? DO YOU TAKE HIM TO BE YOUR

SERGEANT LOUIS BOYD? DO YOU TAKE HIM TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND, TO HAVE

DO YOU TAKE HIM TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, TO HOLD IN

LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, TO HOLD IN HAND-TO-HAND ASSAULT POSITION,

AND TO HOLD, TO HOLD IN HAND-TO-HAND ASSAULT POSITION, AS IN COMBAT DRILL NUMBER

HAND-TO-HAND ASSAULT POSITION, AS IN COMBAT DRILL NUMBER A-1750?!

AS IN COMBAT DRILL NUMBER A-1750?! MOVE!

A-1750?! MOVE! DO YOU?!

MOVE! DO YOU?! I DO.

DO YOU?! I DO. ALL RIGHT.

I DO. ALL RIGHT. I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND

ALL RIGHT. I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE. YOU MAY NOW DESCRIBE THE 75-MM

WIFE. YOU MAY NOW DESCRIBE THE 75-MM RECOILLESS RIFLE.

YOU MAY NOW DESCRIBE THE 75-MM RECOILLESS RIFLE. AIR CODE, SINGLE-SHOT,

RECOILLESS RIFLE. AIR CODE, SINGLE-SHOT, BREECH-LOADING WEAPON USING

AIR CODE, SINGLE-SHOT, BREECH-LOADING WEAPON USING FIXED AMMUNITION, PORTABLE,

BREECH-LOADING WEAPON USING FIXED AMMUNITION, PORTABLE, DESIGNED TO BE FIRED FROM A

FIXED AMMUNITION, PORTABLE, DESIGNED TO BE FIRED FROM A MACHINE-GUN TRIPOD MOUNT!

DESIGNED TO BE FIRED FROM A MACHINE-GUN TRIPOD MOUNT! KISS THE BRIDE.

MACHINE-GUN TRIPOD MOUNT! KISS THE BRIDE. CONGRATULATIONS, I HOPE YOU'LL

KISS THE BRIDE. CONGRATULATIONS, I HOPE YOU'LL BOTH BE VERY HAPPY AND

CONGRATULATIONS, I HOPE YOU'LL BOTH BE VERY HAPPY AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

BOTH BE VERY HAPPY AND UNCOMFORTABLE. RECEPTION IS ON DECK.

UNCOMFORTABLE. RECEPTION IS ON DECK. BRIDAL COUPLE, WEDDING GUESTS,

RECEPTION IS ON DECK. BRIDAL COUPLE, WEDDING GUESTS, FILE, SINGLE!

BRIDAL COUPLE, WEDDING GUESTS, FILE, SINGLE! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE IT!

FILE, SINGLE! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

MOVE, MOVE, MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE, YOU PEOPLE!

MOVE IT! MOVE, YOU PEOPLE! MOVE, YOU SLIME!

MOVE, YOU PEOPLE! MOVE, YOU SLIME! I HATE YOUR GUTS!

MOVE, YOU SLIME! I HATE YOUR GUTS! [APPLAUSE]

WELL, THAT'S IT, SANJAY. ALL MY PAPERS, EVERYTHING THAT IS PRECIOUS TO ME.

ALL MY PAPERS, EVERYTHING THAT IS PRECIOUS TO ME. OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE WE LOST THE

IS PRECIOUS TO ME. OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE WE LOST THE ELECTION.

OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE WE LOST THE ELECTION. WE LOST BY ONLY A FEW HUNDRED

ELECTION. WE LOST BY ONLY A FEW HUNDRED MILLION VOTES, MADAM.

WE LOST BY ONLY A FEW HUNDRED MILLION VOTES, MADAM. YES, IT WAS CLOSE, WASN'T IT?

MILLION VOTES, MADAM. YES, IT WAS CLOSE, WASN'T IT? YES, IT WAS.

YES, IT WAS CLOSE, WASN'T IT? YES, IT WAS. IT WAS VERY CLOSE.

YES, IT WAS. IT WAS VERY CLOSE. SOON, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER,

IT WAS VERY CLOSE. SOON, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER, THE LEADER OF THE UNTOUCHABLES,

SOON, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER, THE LEADER OF THE UNTOUCHABLES, WILL BE HERE TO TAKE OVER OUR

THE LEADER OF THE UNTOUCHABLES, WILL BE HERE TO TAKE OVER OUR OLD OFFICE.

WILL BE HERE TO TAKE OVER OUR OLD OFFICE. MOTHER, WE MUST LEAVE NEW DELHI.

OLD OFFICE. MOTHER, WE MUST LEAVE NEW DELHI. WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

MOTHER, WE MUST LEAVE NEW DELHI. WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER. YOU KNOW, I THINK NEW DELHI IS

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER. YOU KNOW, I THINK NEW DELHI IS NOT SO NICE ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK NEW DELHI IS NOT SO NICE ANYMORE. NOW, OLD DELHI, THERE WAS A

NOT SO NICE ANYMORE. NOW, OLD DELHI, THERE WAS A TOWN.

NOW, OLD DELHI, THERE WAS A TOWN. YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, IN THOSE

TOWN. YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, IN THOSE DAYS, WE JUST CALLED IT "DELHI."

YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, IN THOSE DAYS, WE JUST CALLED IT "DELHI." WE NEVER CALLED IT "OLD DELHI"

DAYS, WE JUST CALLED IT "DELHI." WE NEVER CALLED IT "OLD DELHI" UNTIL AFTER THERE WAS NEW DELHI.

WE NEVER CALLED IT "OLD DELHI" UNTIL AFTER THERE WAS NEW DELHI. BECAUSE IN THOSE DAYS, DELHI WAS

UNTIL AFTER THERE WAS NEW DELHI. BECAUSE IN THOSE DAYS, DELHI WAS NOT OLD.

BECAUSE IN THOSE DAYS, DELHI WAS NOT OLD. OH, MOMMY, NOW THAT WE CAN NO

NOT OLD. OH, MOMMY, NOW THAT WE CAN NO LONGER SENSELESSLY IMPRISON AND

OH, MOMMY, NOW THAT WE CAN NO LONGER SENSELESSLY IMPRISON AND POINTLESSLY TORTURE OUR FELLOW

LONGER SENSELESSLY IMPRISON AND POINTLESSLY TORTURE OUR FELLOW COUNTRYMEN, COULD WE PLEASE GO

POINTLESSLY TORTURE OUR FELLOW COUNTRYMEN, COULD WE PLEASE GO TO A REAL DELI FOR A HAMBURGER?

COUNTRYMEN, COULD WE PLEASE GO TO A REAL DELI FOR A HAMBURGER? OH, FOOLISH LITTLE ONE.

TO A REAL DELI FOR A HAMBURGER? OH, FOOLISH LITTLE ONE. I, TOO, HAVE DREAMT OF MEAT,

OH, FOOLISH LITTLE ONE. I, TOO, HAVE DREAMT OF MEAT, ESPECIALLY A SALISBURY STEAK.

I, TOO, HAVE DREAMT OF MEAT, ESPECIALLY A SALISBURY STEAK. OH, NOTHING.

ESPECIALLY A SALISBURY STEAK. OH, NOTHING. BUT, YOU KNOW, HOW DARE WE?

OH, NOTHING. BUT, YOU KNOW, HOW DARE WE? I MEAN, EVERYBODY IN NEW DELHI

BUT, YOU KNOW, HOW DARE WE? I MEAN, EVERYBODY IN NEW DELHI HATES US ALREADY.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY IN NEW DELHI HATES US ALREADY. SOMETIMES, MOMMY, I THINK NEW

HATES US ALREADY. SOMETIMES, MOMMY, I THINK NEW DELHI IS A TOWN WITHOUT PITY.

SOMETIMES, MOMMY, I THINK NEW DELHI IS A TOWN WITHOUT PITY. YES.

DELHI IS A TOWN WITHOUT PITY. YES. ♪ IF WE STOP TO GAZE UPON A

YES. ♪ IF WE STOP TO GAZE UPON A STAR ♪

♪ IF WE STOP TO GAZE UPON A STAR ♪ ♪ PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW BAD WE

STAR ♪ ♪ PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW BAD WE ARE ♪

♪ PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW BAD WE ARE ♪ ♪ OURS IS NOT AN EASY AGE ♪

ARE ♪ ♪ OURS IS NOT AN EASY AGE ♪ ♪ WE'RE LIKE TIGERS IN A CAGE ♪

♪ OURS IS NOT AN EASY AGE ♪ ♪ WE'RE LIKE TIGERS IN A CAGE ♪ ♪ WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY CAN

♪ WE'RE LIKE TIGERS IN A CAGE ♪ ♪ WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY CAN DO ♪

♪ WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY CAN DO ♪ ♪ OH, WE HAVE PROBLEMS ♪

DO ♪ ♪ OH, WE HAVE PROBLEMS ♪ ♪ MANY PROBLEMS ♪

♪ OH, WE HAVE PROBLEMS ♪ ♪ MANY PROBLEMS ♪ ♪ WE NEED AN UNDERSTANDING

♪ MANY PROBLEMS ♪ ♪ WE NEED AN UNDERSTANDING HEART ♪

♪ WE NEED AN UNDERSTANDING HEART ♪ ♪ WHY DON'T THEY HELP US? ♪

HEART ♪ ♪ WHY DON'T THEY HELP US? ♪ ♪ TRY TO HELP US ♪

♪ WHY DON'T THEY HELP US? ♪ ♪ TRY TO HELP US ♪ ♪ BEFORE THIS CLAY-AND-GRANITE

♪ TRY TO HELP US ♪ ♪ BEFORE THIS CLAY-AND-GRANITE PLANET FALLS APART ♪

♪ BEFORE THIS CLAY-AND-GRANITE PLANET FALLS APART ♪ Both: ♪ HOW CAN WE KEEP LOVE

PLANET FALLS APART ♪ Both: ♪ HOW CAN WE KEEP LOVE ALIVE? ♪

Both: ♪ HOW CAN WE KEEP LOVE ALIVE? ♪ ♪ HOW CAN ANYTHING SURVIVE? ♪

ALIVE? ♪ ♪ HOW CAN ANYTHING SURVIVE? ♪ ♪ WHEN THESE LITTLE MINDS TEAR

♪ HOW CAN ANYTHING SURVIVE? ♪ ♪ WHEN THESE LITTLE MINDS TEAR US IN TWO ♪

♪ WHEN THESE LITTLE MINDS TEAR US IN TWO ♪ ♪ NO, IT ISN'T VERY PRETTY WHAT

US IN TWO ♪ ♪ NO, IT ISN'T VERY PRETTY WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY ♪

♪ NO, IT ISN'T VERY PRETTY WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY ♪ ♪ CAN ♪

A TOWN WITHOUT PITY ♪ ♪ CAN ♪ Both: ♪ D-O-O-O-O-O-O-O ♪

OH. OH, THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN, MOMMY. DO YOU KNOW MECCA?

OH, THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN, MOMMY. DO YOU KNOW MECCA? OH, YOU SILLY BOY.

DO YOU KNOW MECCA? OH, YOU SILLY BOY. YOU SILLY, SILLY BOY.

OH, YOU SILLY BOY. YOU SILLY, SILLY BOY. MRS. GANDHI, THE NEW PRIME

YOU SILLY, SILLY BOY. MRS. GANDHI, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER IS HERE.

MRS. GANDHI, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER IS HERE. OOH.

MINISTER IS HERE. OOH. MADAM GANDHI, HOW DO YOU DO?

OOH. MADAM GANDHI, HOW DO YOU DO? I HAVE JUST MET WITH THE LEADER

MADAM GANDHI, HOW DO YOU DO? I HAVE JUST MET WITH THE LEADER OF THE UNTOUCHABLES.

I HAVE JUST MET WITH THE LEADER OF THE UNTOUCHABLES. OOH, HE TOUCHED AN

OF THE UNTOUCHABLES. OOH, HE TOUCHED AN UNTOUCHABLE.

OOH, HE TOUCHED AN UNTOUCHABLE. AH, SO, THIS IS MY NEW

UNTOUCHABLE. AH, SO, THIS IS MY NEW OFFICE.

AH, SO, THIS IS MY NEW OFFICE. OH, VERY GOOD CRAFTSMANSHIP.

OFFICE. OH, VERY GOOD CRAFTSMANSHIP. OH, NO, THAT WAS MY...

OH, VERY GOOD CRAFTSMANSHIP. OH, NO, THAT WAS MY... WONDERFUL WORK HERE.

OH, NO, THAT WAS MY... WONDERFUL WORK HERE. WONDERFUL WORK.

WONDERFUL WORK HERE. WONDERFUL WORK. HOWEVER, I MUST GET TO WORK

WONDERFUL WORK. HOWEVER, I MUST GET TO WORK RIGHT AWAY.

HOWEVER, I MUST GET TO WORK RIGHT AWAY. OH, IS THIS YOUR BRIEFCASE?

RIGHT AWAY. OH, IS THIS YOUR BRIEFCASE? OH, KEEP IT, KEEP IT.

OH, IS THIS YOUR BRIEFCASE? OH, KEEP IT, KEEP IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, KEEP IT, KEEP IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. MRS. GANDHI, THE LEADER OF

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. MRS. GANDHI, THE LEADER OF THE UNTOUCHABLES IS HERE.

LEE, RICO, YOUNGBLOOD. NESS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NESS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? MRS. GANDHI, SANJAY, IT'S

HERE? MRS. GANDHI, SANJAY, IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP YOUR OFFICE.

MRS. GANDHI, SANJAY, IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP YOUR OFFICE. LET'S GO.

TIME TO GIVE UP YOUR OFFICE. LET'S GO. LEE, RICO, YOUNGBLOOD, TAKE THEM

LET'S GO. LEE, RICO, YOUNGBLOOD, TAKE THEM AWAY.

LEE, RICO, YOUNGBLOOD, TAKE THEM AWAY. WAIT, IT IS NOT TIME YET.

AWAY. WAIT, IT IS NOT TIME YET. I WILL NOT GO UNTIL I GET A SIGN

WAIT, IT IS NOT TIME YET. I WILL NOT GO UNTIL I GET A SIGN THAT IT IS THE WILL OF THE

I WILL NOT GO UNTIL I GET A SIGN THAT IT IS THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE.

THAT IT IS THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. I MUST HAVE A SIGN FROM ABOVE.

PEOPLE. I MUST HAVE A SIGN FROM ABOVE. [COW MOOS]

I MUST HAVE A SIGN FROM ABOVE. [COW MOOS] LEE, RICO...

[COW MOOS] LEE, RICO... LEE, RICO, YOUNGBLOOD, GET THE

LEE, RICO... LEE, RICO, YOUNGBLOOD, GET THE CAR AT THE BACK AND TAKE THEM

LEE, RICO, YOUNGBLOOD, GET THE CAR AT THE BACK AND TAKE THEM AWAY.

CAR AT THE BACK AND TAKE THEM AWAY. MRS. GANDHI, FATSO, LET'S GO.

AWAY. MRS. GANDHI, FATSO, LET'S GO. NOW, THEN, I'M GONNA STAY HERE

MRS. GANDHI, FATSO, LET'S GO. NOW, THEN, I'M GONNA STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR MR. NITTI.

NOW, THEN, I'M GONNA STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR MR. NITTI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A

AND WAIT FOR MR. NITTI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SEAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SEAT? YES, HOW ARE YOU?

SEAT? YES, HOW ARE YOU? [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN. I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

JANE CURTIN. I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, HARRY.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, HARRY. YOU'VE GOT TO FORGET HER.

TALKING ABOUT, HARRY. YOU'VE GOT TO FORGET HER. IT'S FUTILE.

YOU'VE GOT TO FORGET HER. IT'S FUTILE. THAT WOMAN WILL STOP AT NOTHING.

IT'S FUTILE. THAT WOMAN WILL STOP AT NOTHING. SO SHE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU

THAT WOMAN WILL STOP AT NOTHING. SO SHE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU DO.

SO SHE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU DO. YOU HAVE THE CREDIBILITY.

DO. YOU HAVE THE CREDIBILITY. YOU CAN PRONOUNCE YOUR R's.

YOU HAVE THE CREDIBILITY. YOU CAN PRONOUNCE YOUR R's. YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

YOU CAN PRONOUNCE YOUR R's. YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, YOU KNOW. AND I UNDERSTAND YOU.

YOU KNOW. AND I UNDERSTAND YOU. JOIN ME HERE AT

AND I UNDERSTAND YOU. JOIN ME HERE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE."

JOIN ME HERE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE." I WILL BE YOUR CO-ANCHORPERSON,

"WEEKEND UPDATE." I WILL BE YOUR CO-ANCHORPERSON, AND I WILL ALSO BE YOUR

I WILL BE YOUR CO-ANCHORPERSON, AND I WILL ALSO BE YOUR COMPANION.

AND I WILL ALSO BE YOUR COMPANION. I KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A

COMPANION. I KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY.

I KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE, UH,

MAN HAPPY. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE, UH, YOKOHAMA ROPE TRICK, HARRY?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE, UH, YOKOHAMA ROPE TRICK, HARRY? OH.

YOKOHAMA ROPE TRICK, HARRY? OH. WELL, THEN, HOW ABOUT THE, UH,

OH. WELL, THEN, HOW ABOUT THE, UH, EMBRACE OF THE BENT BADGERS?

WELL, THEN, HOW ABOUT THE, UH, EMBRACE OF THE BENT BADGERS? COME ON, HARRY.

EMBRACE OF THE BENT BADGERS? COME ON, HARRY. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

COME ON, HARRY. WHAT DO YOU SAY? [Deep voice] I'LL THINK ABOUT

WHAT DO YOU SAY? [Deep voice] I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, JANE.

[Deep voice] I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, JANE. [Normal voice] I KNOW YOU'LL

IT, JANE. [Normal voice] I KNOW YOU'LL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION, HARRY.

[Normal voice] I KNOW YOU'LL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION, HARRY. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, AT A NEWS

MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION, HARRY. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, AT A NEWS CONFERENCE TODAY, DAVID FROST

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, AT A NEWS CONFERENCE TODAY, DAVID FROST CALLED HIS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH

CONFERENCE TODAY, DAVID FROST CALLED HIS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH EX-PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON BOTH

CALLED HIS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH EX-PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON BOTH CANDID AND REVEALING.

EX-PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON BOTH CANDID AND REVEALING. FROST SAID THAT NIXON ADMITTED

CANDID AND REVEALING. FROST SAID THAT NIXON ADMITTED HIS INVOLVEMENT IN WATERGATE,

FROST SAID THAT NIXON ADMITTED HIS INVOLVEMENT IN WATERGATE, CONCEDED THAT ALGER HISS WAS

HIS INVOLVEMENT IN WATERGATE, CONCEDED THAT ALGER HISS WAS INNOCENT, APOLOGIZED FOR BOMBING

CONCEDED THAT ALGER HISS WAS INNOCENT, APOLOGIZED FOR BOMBING CAMBODIA, DOCUMENTED

INNOCENT, APOLOGIZED FOR BOMBING CAMBODIA, DOCUMENTED "BEBE" REBOZO'S UNDERWORLD

CAMBODIA, DOCUMENTED "BEBE" REBOZO'S UNDERWORLD CONNECTIONS, AND, AT ONE POINT,

"BEBE" REBOZO'S UNDERWORLD CONNECTIONS, AND, AT ONE POINT, ACTUALLY FELL TO HIS KNEES,

CONNECTIONS, AND, AT ONE POINT, ACTUALLY FELL TO HIS KNEES, BEGGING FORGIVENESS FROM THE

ACTUALLY FELL TO HIS KNEES, BEGGING FORGIVENESS FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR HIS CRIMES.

BEGGING FORGIVENESS FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR HIS CRIMES. "UNFORTUNATELY...

AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR HIS CRIMES. "UNFORTUNATELY... UNFORTUNATELY," ADDED FROST,

"UNFORTUNATELY... UNFORTUNATELY," ADDED FROST, "THE VIDEOTAPE WITH THIS PORTION

UNFORTUNATELY," ADDED FROST, "THE VIDEOTAPE WITH THIS PORTION OF THE INTERVIEW WAS STOLEN BY

"THE VIDEOTAPE WITH THIS PORTION OF THE INTERVIEW WAS STOLEN BY DANIEL ELLSBERG'S PSYCHIATRIST."

OF THE INTERVIEW WAS STOLEN BY DANIEL ELLSBERG'S PSYCHIATRIST." WELL, THE LOSER OF THE

DANIEL ELLSBERG'S PSYCHIATRIST." WELL, THE LOSER OF THE JIMMY CARTER LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST

WELL, THE LOSER OF THE JIMMY CARTER LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST IS IN WASHINGTON THIS WEEK TO

JIMMY CARTER LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST IS IN WASHINGTON THIS WEEK TO MEET THE PRESIDENT.

IS IN WASHINGTON THIS WEEK TO MEET THE PRESIDENT. FROM HERE, HE'LL BE FLOWN TO

MEET THE PRESIDENT. FROM HERE, HE'LL BE FLOWN TO ISRAEL, WHERE HE ALSO LOST THE

FROM HERE, HE'LL BE FLOWN TO ISRAEL, WHERE HE ALSO LOST THE GOLDA MEIR LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.

ISRAEL, WHERE HE ALSO LOST THE GOLDA MEIR LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST. POLISH MOVIE DIRECTOR

GOLDA MEIR LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST. POLISH MOVIE DIRECTOR ROMAN POLANSKI ANNOUNCED PLANS

POLISH MOVIE DIRECTOR ROMAN POLANSKI ANNOUNCED PLANS YESTERDAY TO FILM A REMAKE OF

ROMAN POLANSKI ANNOUNCED PLANS YESTERDAY TO FILM A REMAKE OF LOUISA MAY ALCOTT'S

YESTERDAY TO FILM A REMAKE OF LOUISA MAY ALCOTT'S "LITTLE WOMEN."

LOUISA MAY ALCOTT'S "LITTLE WOMEN." PBHT!

"LITTLE WOMEN." PBHT! [CLEARS THROAT]

PBHT! [CLEARS THROAT] ACCORDING TO A BOOK PUBLISHED

[CLEARS THROAT] ACCORDING TO A BOOK PUBLISHED THIS WEEK, NOT ONLY DID

ACCORDING TO A BOOK PUBLISHED THIS WEEK, NOT ONLY DID GEORGE WASHINGTON HAVE WOODEN

THIS WEEK, NOT ONLY DID GEORGE WASHINGTON HAVE WOODEN TEETH, BUT AMERICA'S FIRST

GEORGE WASHINGTON HAVE WOODEN TEETH, BUT AMERICA'S FIRST PRESIDENT ALSO HAD A WOODEN EYE,

TEETH, BUT AMERICA'S FIRST PRESIDENT ALSO HAD A WOODEN EYE, A WOODEN LEG, FOUR WOODEN TOES,

PRESIDENT ALSO HAD A WOODEN EYE, A WOODEN LEG, FOUR WOODEN TOES, A WOODEN WRIST, A WOODEN SPLEEN,

A WOODEN LEG, FOUR WOODEN TOES, A WOODEN WRIST, A WOODEN SPLEEN, AND A WOODEN PROSTATE GLAND.

A WOODEN WRIST, A WOODEN SPLEEN, AND A WOODEN PROSTATE GLAND. IN FACT, HE WAS THE ROWBOAT THAT

AND A WOODEN PROSTATE GLAND. IN FACT, HE WAS THE ROWBOAT THAT CROSSED THE DELAWARE.

IN FACT, HE WAS THE ROWBOAT THAT CROSSED THE DELAWARE. DON'T YOU LOVE HISTORY?

CROSSED THE DELAWARE. DON'T YOU LOVE HISTORY? WELL, THE 36-MEMBER

DON'T YOU LOVE HISTORY? WELL, THE 36-MEMBER ASSASSINATION COMMITTEE

WELL, THE 36-MEMBER ASSASSINATION COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE ASSASSINATIONS

ASSASSINATION COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE ASSASSINATIONS OF JOHN F. KENNEDY AND

INVESTIGATING THE ASSASSINATIONS OF JOHN F. KENNEDY AND MARTIN LUTHER KING WAS ITSELF

OF JOHN F. KENNEDY AND MARTIN LUTHER KING WAS ITSELF ASSASSINATED THIS WEEK.

MARTIN LUTHER KING WAS ITSELF ASSASSINATED THIS WEEK. THE COMMITTEE WAS RUSHED TO

ASSASSINATED THIS WEEK. THE COMMITTEE WAS RUSHED TO BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL, WHERE

THE COMMITTEE WAS RUSHED TO BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL, WHERE IT DIED AT 2:02, 2:09, 2:17,

BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL, WHERE IT DIED AT 2:02, 2:09, 2:17, 2:41, 3:38, AND 5:23.

IT DIED AT 2:02, 2:09, 2:17, 2:41, 3:38, AND 5:23. KARL MALDEN AND ERNEST BORGNINE

2:41, 3:38, AND 5:23. KARL MALDEN AND ERNEST BORGNINE WILL COSTAR IN A NEW ADVENTURE

KARL MALDEN AND ERNEST BORGNINE WILL COSTAR IN A NEW ADVENTURE SERIES NEXT SEASON ON NBC TV.

WILL COSTAR IN A NEW ADVENTURE SERIES NEXT SEASON ON NBC TV. THE TWO STARS, SHOWN HERE DINING

SERIES NEXT SEASON ON NBC TV. THE TWO STARS, SHOWN HERE DINING IN BEVERLY HILLS, SAY THEY LOOK

THE TWO STARS, SHOWN HERE DINING IN BEVERLY HILLS, SAY THEY LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING TOGETHER FOR

IN BEVERLY HILLS, SAY THEY LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.

FORWARD TO WORKING TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME. STILL TO COME,

A LONG TIME. STILL TO COME, DR. RENéE RICHARDS DESCRIBES HER

STILL TO COME, DR. RENéE RICHARDS DESCRIBES HER OPERATION AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

DR. RENéE RICHARDS DESCRIBES HER OPERATION AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

[DOOR OPENS, BELL DINGS] MR. WIGGINS, HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING FOR THAT TIRED,

MR. WIGGINS, HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING FOR THAT TIRED, HEADACHY FEELING?

ANYTHING FOR THAT TIRED, HEADACHY FEELING? JIM'S BEEN, UH, PRETTY RUN-DOWN

HEADACHY FEELING? JIM'S BEEN, UH, PRETTY RUN-DOWN LATELY.

JIM'S BEEN, UH, PRETTY RUN-DOWN LATELY. NONE OF MY REGULAR PAIN

LATELY. NONE OF MY REGULAR PAIN RELIEVERS SEEM TO WORK.

NONE OF MY REGULAR PAIN RELIEVERS SEEM TO WORK. MARY, HAVE YOU AND JIM EVER

RELIEVERS SEEM TO WORK. MARY, HAVE YOU AND JIM EVER TRIED LEECHES?

MARY, HAVE YOU AND JIM EVER TRIED LEECHES? LEECHES?

TRIED LEECHES? LEECHES? YOU MEAN BLOODSUCKERS?

LEECHES? YOU MEAN BLOODSUCKERS? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU MEAN BLOODSUCKERS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

ARE YOU SERIOUS? WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BLOODSUCKING, JIM.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BLOODSUCKING, JIM. HERE, TRY THIS LEECH.

WITH BLOODSUCKING, JIM. HERE, TRY THIS LEECH. PUT IT ON YOUR FACE.

HERE, TRY THIS LEECH. PUT IT ON YOUR FACE. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

PUT IT ON YOUR FACE. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER. OKAY, MR. WIGGINS.

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER. OKAY, MR. WIGGINS. YES, NOW WITH NEW

OKAY, MR. WIGGINS. YES, NOW WITH NEW LEECH-TAB 100, YOU GET

YES, NOW WITH NEW LEECH-TAB 100, YOU GET INDIVIDUALLY BOTTLED WHOLE, LIVE

LEECH-TAB 100, YOU GET INDIVIDUALLY BOTTLED WHOLE, LIVE LEECHES, EACH PRESERVED IN A

INDIVIDUALLY BOTTLED WHOLE, LIVE LEECHES, EACH PRESERVED IN A SOLUTION OF PURE SPRINGWATER

LEECHES, EACH PRESERVED IN A SOLUTION OF PURE SPRINGWATER AND THE LEECHES' ALL-NATURAL

SOLUTION OF PURE SPRINGWATER AND THE LEECHES' ALL-NATURAL SECRETIONS.

AND THE LEECHES' ALL-NATURAL SECRETIONS. AND A SINGLE APPLICATION OF A

SECRETIONS. AND A SINGLE APPLICATION OF A LEECH-TAB 100 DRAINS OFF EXCESS

AND A SINGLE APPLICATION OF A LEECH-TAB 100 DRAINS OFF EXCESS BLOOD, ACTUALLY GIVES THE BLOOD

LEECH-TAB 100 DRAINS OFF EXCESS BLOOD, ACTUALLY GIVES THE BLOOD LEFT IN YOUR BODY MORE ROOM TO

BLOOD, ACTUALLY GIVES THE BLOOD LEFT IN YOUR BODY MORE ROOM TO CIRCULATE.

LEFT IN YOUR BODY MORE ROOM TO CIRCULATE. BUT AREN'T LEECHES, WELL,

CIRCULATE. BUT AREN'T LEECHES, WELL, KIND OF OLD-FASHIONED?

BUT AREN'T LEECHES, WELL, KIND OF OLD-FASHIONED? WELL, SOMETIMES, THE

KIND OF OLD-FASHIONED? WELL, SOMETIMES, THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY IS THE BEST

WELL, SOMETIMES, THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY IS THE BEST WAY, JIM.

OLD-FASHIONED WAY IS THE BEST WAY, JIM. SAY, MR. WIGGINS, I REMEMBER

WAY, JIM. SAY, MR. WIGGINS, I REMEMBER MOM TELLING ME ABOUT LEECHES.

SAY, MR. WIGGINS, I REMEMBER MOM TELLING ME ABOUT LEECHES. SHE SAID GRAMPS SWORE BY THEM.

MOM TELLING ME ABOUT LEECHES. SHE SAID GRAMPS SWORE BY THEM. YOU KNOW, I FEEL BETTER

SHE SAID GRAMPS SWORE BY THEM. YOU KNOW, I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL BETTER ALREADY. YOU KNOW, SOME THINGS NEVER

ALREADY. YOU KNOW, SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

YOU KNOW, SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE. LEECHES ARE ONE OF THEM.

SO GET LEECH-TAB 100 BY

ORTHOX MEDCO AND SUCK OUT THAT

BAD BLOOD.

THERE YOU GO, LITTLE FELLA.

YEAH.

Announcer: LEECH-TAB 100 BY

ORTHOX MEDCO.

USE ONLY AS DIRECTED.

MAY RESULT IN MINOR ABRASION,

BLOTCHING, OR SKIN INFLAMMATION.

[APPLAUSE]

A "WEEKEND UPDATE" CORRECTION. LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY

CORRECTION. LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT THE CALIFORNIA

LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT THE CALIFORNIA STATE LEGISLATURE HAD CHANGED

REPORTED THAT THE CALIFORNIA STATE LEGISLATURE HAD CHANGED THE STATE'S NAME TO WILLIE MAYS.

STATE LEGISLATURE HAD CHANGED THE STATE'S NAME TO WILLIE MAYS. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED.

THE STATE'S NAME TO WILLIE MAYS. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT

WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT QUEEN ELIZABETH II WAS STUDYING

WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT QUEEN ELIZABETH II WAS STUDYING ELECTROLYSIS IN HER SPARE TIME.

QUEEN ELIZABETH II WAS STUDYING ELECTROLYSIS IN HER SPARE TIME. MORE ON THAT ASSASSINATION

ELECTROLYSIS IN HER SPARE TIME. MORE ON THAT ASSASSINATION COMMITTEE.

MORE ON THAT ASSASSINATION COMMITTEE. 7:55, 8:06, AND 11:34.

COMMITTEE. 7:55, 8:06, AND 11:34. [INHALES DEEPLY]

7:55, 8:06, AND 11:34. [INHALES DEEPLY] WELL, NEXT MONDAY IS OSCAR

[INHALES DEEPLY] WELL, NEXT MONDAY IS OSCAR NIGHT, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO

WELL, NEXT MONDAY IS OSCAR NIGHT, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE IMPATIENT FOR THE RESULTS,

NIGHT, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE IMPATIENT FOR THE RESULTS, AS WE WERE, WE HAVE THEM.

ARE IMPATIENT FOR THE RESULTS, AS WE WERE, WE HAVE THEM. YOU SEE, PRICEWATERHOUSE, THE

AS WE WERE, WE HAVE THEM. YOU SEE, PRICEWATERHOUSE, THE ACCOUNTING FIRM THAT TALLIES THE

YOU SEE, PRICEWATERHOUSE, THE ACCOUNTING FIRM THAT TALLIES THE ACADEMY'S VOTES, IS RIGHT HERE

ACCOUNTING FIRM THAT TALLIES THE ACADEMY'S VOTES, IS RIGHT HERE IN THE BUILDING, AND ONE OF OUR

ACADEMY'S VOTES, IS RIGHT HERE IN THE BUILDING, AND ONE OF OUR WRITERS HAPPENED TO BE WALKING

IN THE BUILDING, AND ONE OF OUR WRITERS HAPPENED TO BE WALKING PAST THEIR OFFICE, AND YOU KNOW

WRITERS HAPPENED TO BE WALKING PAST THEIR OFFICE, AND YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY THEY GUARD THE

PAST THEIR OFFICE, AND YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY THEY GUARD THE RESULTS... UH, ALL THAT SECURITY

HOW THEY SAY THEY GUARD THE RESULTS... UH, ALL THAT SECURITY AND SECRECY.

RESULTS... UH, ALL THAT SECURITY AND SECRECY. WELL, THE DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN,

AND SECRECY. WELL, THE DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN, AND SOME OF THE ENVELOPES WERE

WELL, THE DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN, AND SOME OF THE ENVELOPES WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE, SO WE TOOK

AND SOME OF THE ENVELOPES WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE, SO WE TOOK THEM.

SITTING RIGHT THERE, SO WE TOOK THEM. AND WE DO HAVE THE RESULTS FOR

THEM. AND WE DO HAVE THE RESULTS FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

AND WE DO HAVE THE RESULTS FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. FOR BEST ACTOR,

YOU RIGHT NOW. FOR BEST ACTOR, SYLVESTER STALLONE.

FOR BEST ACTOR, SYLVESTER STALLONE. [LAUGHS]

SYLVESTER STALLONE. [LAUGHS] BEST ACTRESS, FAYE DUNAWAY FOR

[LAUGHS] BEST ACTRESS, FAYE DUNAWAY FOR "NETWORK."

BEST ACTRESS, FAYE DUNAWAY FOR "NETWORK." AND BEST MOVIE,

"NETWORK." AND BEST MOVIE, "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."

AND BEST MOVIE, "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN." TO ALL YOU DIRECTORS, WE'RE

"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN." TO ALL YOU DIRECTORS, WE'RE SORRY.

TO ALL YOU DIRECTORS, WE'RE SORRY. WE COULDN'T FIND YOUR ENVELOPE.

SORRY. WE COULDN'T FIND YOUR ENVELOPE. AND TO ALL YOU VIEWERS, ENJOY

WE COULDN'T FIND YOUR ENVELOPE. AND TO ALL YOU VIEWERS, ENJOY THE SHOW MONDAY.

AND TO ALL YOU VIEWERS, ENJOY THE SHOW MONDAY. BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT THAT WE WERE

THE SHOW MONDAY. BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT THAT WE WERE RIGHT.

BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT THAT WE WERE RIGHT. [CLEARS THROAT]

RIGHT. [CLEARS THROAT] AT A WASHINGTON PRESS CONFERENCE

[CLEARS THROAT] AT A WASHINGTON PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK, SECRETARY OF

AT A WASHINGTON PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK, SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE BOB BERGLAND

THIS WEEK, SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE BOB BERGLAND DISCUSSED MILK PRICE SUPPORTS.

AGRICULTURE BOB BERGLAND DISCUSSED MILK PRICE SUPPORTS. WHEN ASKED WHAT HE THOUGHT OF

DISCUSSED MILK PRICE SUPPORTS. WHEN ASKED WHAT HE THOUGHT OF PRESIDENT CARTER'S DECISION TO

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE THOUGHT OF PRESIDENT CARTER'S DECISION TO RAISE THE PRICES, BERGLAND BLEW

PRESIDENT CARTER'S DECISION TO RAISE THE PRICES, BERGLAND BLEW HIS NOSE IN A DIXIE CUP.

RAISE THE PRICES, BERGLAND BLEW HIS NOSE IN A DIXIE CUP. AND OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS A

HIS NOSE IN A DIXIE CUP. AND OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS A TOUCHING ONE, AS ICEBERG, THE

AND OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS A TOUCHING ONE, AS ICEBERG, THE POPULAR POLAR BEAR IN THE

TOUCHING ONE, AS ICEBERG, THE POPULAR POLAR BEAR IN THE LONDON ZOO, GAVE BIRTH THIS WEEK

POPULAR POLAR BEAR IN THE LONDON ZOO, GAVE BIRTH THIS WEEK TO A BABY WHO WAS NAMED

LONDON ZOO, GAVE BIRTH THIS WEEK TO A BABY WHO WAS NAMED SNOWFLAKE BY THE KEEPERS.

TO A BABY WHO WAS NAMED SNOWFLAKE BY THE KEEPERS. IT WAS THE 67,000th SUCH BIRTH

SNOWFLAKE BY THE KEEPERS. IT WAS THE 67,000th SUCH BIRTH IN CAPTIVITY AND OF NO

IT WAS THE 67,000th SUCH BIRTH IN CAPTIVITY AND OF NO IMPORTANCE TO ANYONE WHATSOEVER.

IN CAPTIVITY AND OF NO IMPORTANCE TO ANYONE WHATSOEVER. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

IMPORTANCE TO ANYONE WHATSOEVER. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. [APPLAUSE]

OKAY. OKAY, THE MOUNTAINS ARE OVER HERE.

OKAY, THE MOUNTAINS ARE OVER HERE. THE RIVER IS OVER HERE.

HERE. THE RIVER IS OVER HERE. HMM.

THE RIVER IS OVER HERE. HMM. I SAY WE GO THAT WAY.

HMM. I SAY WE GO THAT WAY. LOOKS GOOD TO ME.

I SAY WE GO THAT WAY. LOOKS GOOD TO ME. ME, TOO.

LOOKS GOOD TO ME. ME, TOO. OKAY, EVERYBODY!

ME, TOO. OKAY, EVERYBODY! LET'S GO!

OKAY, EVERYBODY! LET'S GO! ALL RIGHT!

Announcer: THESE ARE THE

SQUATTERS, AND THIS IS THEIR

STORY.

[GROANS] BOY, AM I TIRED. YEAH, MY KNEES ARE KILLING

BOY, AM I TIRED. YEAH, MY KNEES ARE KILLING ME.

YEAH, MY KNEES ARE KILLING ME. MINE, TOO.

ME. MINE, TOO. WELL, THIS LOOKS LIKE AS GOOD

MINE, TOO. WELL, THIS LOOKS LIKE AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANY.

WELL, THIS LOOKS LIKE AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANY. LET'S STOP HERE.

A PLACE AS ANY. LET'S STOP HERE. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

LET'S STOP HERE. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. OKAY, EVERYBODY!

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. OKAY, EVERYBODY! THIS IS THE PLACE!

OKAY, EVERYBODY! THIS IS THE PLACE! [CHEERING]

COME ON, LET'S GO TO WORK!

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] [CHEERING] FACE YOUR PARTNER, DO-SI-DO.

[CHEERING] FACE YOUR PARTNER, DO-SI-DO. IF YOU LOVE HER, LET HER SEE.

FACE YOUR PARTNER, DO-SI-DO. IF YOU LOVE HER, LET HER SEE. NOW, PROMENADE NOW.

IF YOU LOVE HER, LET HER SEE. NOW, PROMENADE NOW. AND COME BACK HOME.

NOW, PROMENADE NOW. AND COME BACK HOME. THE LANE IS CLEAR.

AND COME BACK HOME. THE LANE IS CLEAR. [CHEERING]

THE LANE IS CLEAR. [CHEERING] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[CHEERING] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] HEY, YOU KNOW, MA, HERE, IS

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] HEY, YOU KNOW, MA, HERE, IS THE BEST COOK IN THE TERRITORY.

HEY, YOU KNOW, MA, HERE, IS THE BEST COOK IN THE TERRITORY. NOW, WHAT ARE WE...

THE BEST COOK IN THE TERRITORY. NOW, WHAT ARE WE... WHAT'S FOR DINNER TONIGHT, MA?

NOW, WHAT ARE WE... WHAT'S FOR DINNER TONIGHT, MA? SQUAB.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER TONIGHT, MA? SQUAB. OH, AND THAT'S... VEGETABLE?

SQUAB. OH, AND THAT'S... VEGETABLE? WHAT'S THAT VEGETABLE?

OH, AND THAT'S... VEGETABLE? WHAT'S THAT VEGETABLE? SQUASH.

WHAT'S THAT VEGETABLE? SQUASH. UH-HUH, SQUASH AND...

SQUASH. UH-HUH, SQUASH AND... WHO ARE YOU?!

UH-HUH, SQUASH AND... WHO ARE YOU?! SQUAW.

WHO ARE YOU?! SQUAW. COME ON, SQUAW.

SQUAW. COME ON, SQUAW. OVER HERE BY ME, SQUAW.

HEY, HEY, HEY! YOU CAN STOP RUNNING. YOU'VE FOUND A HOME AS A

YOU CAN STOP RUNNING. YOU'VE FOUND A HOME AS A SQUATTER.

YOU'VE FOUND A HOME AS A SQUATTER. THANKS!

SQUATTER. THANKS! MY NAME'S DRED SQUAT.

THANKS! MY NAME'S DRED SQUAT. WELCOME, DRED.

MY NAME'S DRED SQUAT. WELCOME, DRED. NO REASON YOU SHOULD LIVE IN

WELCOME, DRED. NO REASON YOU SHOULD LIVE IN SQUALOR WHEN YOU CAN BE A

NO REASON YOU SHOULD LIVE IN SQUALOR WHEN YOU CAN BE A SQUATTER.

SQUALOR WHEN YOU CAN BE A SQUATTER. YEAH.

ARE YOU PEOPLE SQUATTERS? DOES A BEAR SQUAT IN THE WOODS?

DOES A BEAR SQUAT IN THE WOODS? WELL, I'M COLONEL

WOODS? WELL, I'M COLONEL GEORGE HALL, UNITED STATES

WELL, I'M COLONEL GEORGE HALL, UNITED STATES CAVALRY.

GEORGE HALL, UNITED STATES CAVALRY. I'M ASSIGNED TO ORDER YOU PEOPLE

CAVALRY. I'M ASSIGNED TO ORDER YOU PEOPLE OFF RAILROAD PROPERTY.

I'M ASSIGNED TO ORDER YOU PEOPLE OFF RAILROAD PROPERTY. YOU MEAN YOU'RE TAKING OUR

OFF RAILROAD PROPERTY. YOU MEAN YOU'RE TAKING OUR LAND, AND YOU AREN'T GONNA PAY

YOU MEAN YOU'RE TAKING OUR LAND, AND YOU AREN'T GONNA PAY US ANYTHING FOR IT?!

LAND, AND YOU AREN'T GONNA PAY US ANYTHING FOR IT?! YOU AIN'T GONNA GET

US ANYTHING FOR IT?! YOU AIN'T GONNA GET DIDDLY-SQUAT.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE, BUT I'M

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE, BUT I'M MAD.

KNOW ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE, BUT I'M MAD. [CHEERING]

MAD. [CHEERING] I SAY WE FIGHT THE RAILROAD

[CHEERING] I SAY WE FIGHT THE RAILROAD WITH GUNS.

I SAY WE FIGHT THE RAILROAD WITH GUNS. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WITH GUNS. WHAT DO YOU SAY? NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU IDIOT!

WHAT DO YOU SAY? NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU IDIOT! WE'LL ALL GET KILLED.

NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU IDIOT! WE'LL ALL GET KILLED. WHY, YOU CHICKEN SQUAWK.

WE'LL ALL GET KILLED. WHY, YOU CHICKEN SQUAWK. HEY, HEY, HOLD IT.

WHY, YOU CHICKEN SQUAWK. HEY, HEY, HOLD IT. ALL RIGHT!

HEY, HEY, HOLD IT. ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, STOP IT!

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, STOP IT! STOP IT!

ALL RIGHT, STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP IT! STOP IT! LET'S UNITE!

STOP IT! LET'S UNITE! LET'S NOT SQUABBLE AMONG

LET'S UNITE! LET'S NOT SQUABBLE AMONG OURSELVES!

LET'S NOT SQUABBLE AMONG OURSELVES! COME ON, UNITE!

OURSELVES! COME ON, UNITE! SQUAT, SQUAT, SQUAT!

COME ON, UNITE! SQUAT, SQUAT, SQUAT! [ALL CHANTING "SQUAT!"]

SQUAT, SQUAT, SQUAT! [ALL CHANTING "SQUAT!"] Announcer: THE SQUATTERS WON

[ALL CHANTING "SQUAT!"] Announcer: THE SQUATTERS WON THEIR FIGHT.

Announcer: THE SQUATTERS WON THEIR FIGHT. AND IN 1841, CONGRESS PASSED THE

THEIR FIGHT. AND IN 1841, CONGRESS PASSED THE PREEMPTION ACT, GUARANTEEING

AND IN 1841, CONGRESS PASSED THE PREEMPTION ACT, GUARANTEEING SQUATTERS THE FIRST RIGHT TO BUY

PREEMPTION ACT, GUARANTEEING SQUATTERS THE FIRST RIGHT TO BUY THE LAND ON WHICH THEY SQUATTED.

SQUATTERS THE FIRST RIGHT TO BUY THE LAND ON WHICH THEY SQUATTED. AND TODAY, DESCENDENTS OF THE

THE LAND ON WHICH THEY SQUATTED. AND TODAY, DESCENDENTS OF THE ORIGINAL SQUATTERS FLOURISH IN

AND TODAY, DESCENDENTS OF THE ORIGINAL SQUATTERS FLOURISH IN THE MODERN COMMUNITY OF

ORIGINAL SQUATTERS FLOURISH IN THE MODERN COMMUNITY OF SQUATTERS HEIGHTS, KANSAS.

AND THAT IS THE STORY OF THE

SQUATTERS, AMERICANS WHO DID NOT

STOOP TO CONQUER.

[APPLAUSE]

UH, SHERRY, CAN YOU... CAN YOU COME IN, PLEASE? AND, UH, BRING YOUR...

CAN YOU COME IN, PLEASE? AND, UH, BRING YOUR... BRING YOUR PAD WITH YOU.

AND, UH, BRING YOUR... BRING YOUR PAD WITH YOU. HI, MR. ROSS.

BRING YOUR PAD WITH YOU. HI, MR. ROSS. JUST LOOK AT THIS BOSS PEN I GOT

HI, MR. ROSS. JUST LOOK AT THIS BOSS PEN I GOT FROM A DEAF-AND-DUMB PERSON

JUST LOOK AT THIS BOSS PEN I GOT FROM A DEAF-AND-DUMB PERSON WHO CAME TO THE RECEPTION DESK.

FROM A DEAF-AND-DUMB PERSON WHO CAME TO THE RECEPTION DESK. IT ONLY COST ME $6.

WHO CAME TO THE RECEPTION DESK. IT ONLY COST ME $6. YOU KNOW, THAT SEEMED LIKE A LOT

IT ONLY COST ME $6. YOU KNOW, THAT SEEMED LIKE A LOT OF MONEY FOR A PEN, BUT HE

YOU KNOW, THAT SEEMED LIKE A LOT OF MONEY FOR A PEN, BUT HE TALKED ME INTO IT.

OF MONEY FOR A PEN, BUT HE TALKED ME INTO IT. WELL, UH, SHERRY, WILL YOU...

TALKED ME INTO IT. WELL, UH, SHERRY, WILL YOU... WILL YOU TAKE A LETTER, PLEASE?

WELL, UH, SHERRY, WILL YOU... WILL YOU TAKE A LETTER, PLEASE? FOR SURE.

WILL YOU TAKE A LETTER, PLEASE? FOR SURE. UH, TO, UH...

FOR SURE. UH, TO, UH... TO WHOM...

UH, TO, UH... TO WHOM... TO WHOM IT MAY...

TO WHOM... TO WHOM IT MAY... WAIT A SECOND.

TO WHOM IT MAY... WAIT A SECOND. THIS PEN DOESN'T WORK.

WAIT A SECOND. THIS PEN DOESN'T WORK. GUY, MY FRIEND TOLD ME YOU CAN

THIS PEN DOESN'T WORK. GUY, MY FRIEND TOLD ME YOU CAN GET IT TO WORK IF YOU SHAKE IT

GUY, MY FRIEND TOLD ME YOU CAN GET IT TO WORK IF YOU SHAKE IT LIKE THIS.

GET IT TO WORK IF YOU SHAKE IT LIKE THIS. SHE SAID IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO

LIKE THIS. SHE SAID IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH KOHOUTEK.

SHE SAID IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH KOHOUTEK. OH, IT'S WORKING NOW.

WITH KOHOUTEK. OH, IT'S WORKING NOW. OKAY, DEAR.

OH, IT'S WORKING NOW. OKAY, DEAR. UH, TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

OKAY, DEAR. UH, TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY, UH, BUSINESS HAS GONE

UH, TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY, UH, BUSINESS HAS GONE BANKRUPT.

MY, UH, BUSINESS HAS GONE BANKRUPT. FRAN HAS LEFT ME.

BANKRUPT. FRAN HAS LEFT ME. I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR.

FRAN HAS LEFT ME. I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. SO GOODBYE FOREVER.

I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. SO GOODBYE FOREVER. OKAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO READ

SO GOODBYE FOREVER. OKAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO READ THAT BACK TO YOU, MR. ROSS?

OKAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO READ THAT BACK TO YOU, MR. ROSS? YEAH, OKAY.

THAT BACK TO YOU, MR. ROSS? YEAH, OKAY. OKAY, "TO WHOM IT MAY

YEAH, OKAY. OKAY, "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY BUSINESS IS

OKAY, "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY BUSINESS IS BANKRUPT.

CONCERN, MY BUSINESS IS BANKRUPT. FRAN HAS LEFT ME.

BANKRUPT. FRAN HAS LEFT ME. SO GOODBYE FOREVER."

FRAN HAS LEFT ME. SO GOODBYE FOREVER." OH, UH, MAKE THAT, "GOODBYE

SO GOODBYE FOREVER." OH, UH, MAKE THAT, "GOODBYE FOREVER, GOODBYE."

OH, UH, MAKE THAT, "GOODBYE FOREVER, GOODBYE." "GOODBYE FOREVER, GOODBYE."

FOREVER, GOODBYE." "GOODBYE FOREVER, GOODBYE." RIGHT, NOW, WOULD YOU SEND

"GOODBYE FOREVER, GOODBYE." RIGHT, NOW, WOULD YOU SEND OUT SOME COPIES TO MY, UH,

RIGHT, NOW, WOULD YOU SEND OUT SOME COPIES TO MY, UH, ATTORNEY, MY ACCOUNTANT, AND TO

OUT SOME COPIES TO MY, UH, ATTORNEY, MY ACCOUNTANT, AND TO THE MORGAN TRUST COMPANY, WHO IS

ATTORNEY, MY ACCOUNTANT, AND TO THE MORGAN TRUST COMPANY, WHO IS IN CHARGE OF MY ESTATE?

THE MORGAN TRUST COMPANY, WHO IS IN CHARGE OF MY ESTATE? AND, BY THE WAY, WOULD YOU

IN CHARGE OF MY ESTATE? AND, BY THE WAY, WOULD YOU PLEASE CANCEL MY 3:00

AND, BY THE WAY, WOULD YOU PLEASE CANCEL MY 3:00 APPOINTMENT WITH BARRY SPATS?

PLEASE CANCEL MY 3:00 APPOINTMENT WITH BARRY SPATS? ALL RIGHT?

APPOINTMENT WITH BARRY SPATS? ALL RIGHT? MR. ROSS, I THINK I KNOW WHAT

ALL RIGHT? MR. ROSS, I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.

MR. ROSS, I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED. A NICE HOT CUP OF FRESH COFFEE.

YOU NEED. A NICE HOT CUP OF FRESH COFFEE. UH, NO, DEAR, I'M GONNA KILL

A NICE HOT CUP OF FRESH COFFEE. UH, NO, DEAR, I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF, SEE?

UH, NO, DEAR, I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF, SEE? OH, WELL, CAN I GET ONE?

MYSELF, SEE? OH, WELL, CAN I GET ONE? SURE, YEAH, OKAY.

OH, WELL, CAN I GET ONE? SURE, YEAH, OKAY. [CLEARS THROAT]

SURE, YEAH, OKAY. [CLEARS THROAT] [DOOR CLOSES, HORN HONKS]

[CLEARS THROAT] [DOOR CLOSES, HORN HONKS] [SIGHS]

MR. ROSS? MR. ROSS?! WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

MR. ROSS?! WHAT IS IT, DEAR? LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE

WHAT IS IT, DEAR? LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE SUPER-PREOCCUPIED AND

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE SUPER-PREOCCUPIED AND EVERYTHING, BUT, LIKE, I'D

SUPER-PREOCCUPIED AND EVERYTHING, BUT, LIKE, I'D REALLY LIKE THE REST OF THE DAY

EVERYTHING, BUT, LIKE, I'D REALLY LIKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.

REALLY LIKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF. YOU SEE, MY BOYFRIEND, BRAD, IS

OFF. YOU SEE, MY BOYFRIEND, BRAD, IS FLYING IN FROM L.A., AND HE'S

YOU SEE, MY BOYFRIEND, BRAD, IS FLYING IN FROM L.A., AND HE'S REALLY, REALLY PISSED AT ME

FLYING IN FROM L.A., AND HE'S REALLY, REALLY PISSED AT ME 'CAUSE HE FOUND OUT THAT I WENT

REALLY, REALLY PISSED AT ME 'CAUSE HE FOUND OUT THAT I WENT TO THE EAGLES CONCERT WITH

'CAUSE HE FOUND OUT THAT I WENT TO THE EAGLES CONCERT WITH THIS GUY GREG, WHO'S REALLY GAY,

TO THE EAGLES CONCERT WITH THIS GUY GREG, WHO'S REALLY GAY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER TO BRAD.

THIS GUY GREG, WHO'S REALLY GAY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER TO BRAD. AND, LIKE, I TOLD HIM THAT I

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER TO BRAD. AND, LIKE, I TOLD HIM THAT I REALLY NEED SOME SPACE AND THAT

AND, LIKE, I TOLD HIM THAT I REALLY NEED SOME SPACE AND THAT HE DOESN'T OWN ME.

REALLY NEED SOME SPACE AND THAT HE DOESN'T OWN ME. DON'T YOU AGREE, MR. ROSS?

HE DOESN'T OWN ME. DON'T YOU AGREE, MR. ROSS? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE,

DON'T YOU AGREE, MR. ROSS? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, HONEY.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, HONEY. I'M SORRY, I'M GOING!

HONEY. I'M SORRY, I'M GOING! OH, MR. ROSS, DON'T JUMP!

I'M SORRY, I'M GOING! OH, MR. ROSS, DON'T JUMP! [SCREAMING]

OH, MR. ROSS, DON'T JUMP! [SCREAMING] GREAT LEAP, JACK.

[SCREAMING] GREAT LEAP, JACK. UH, WHAT HAPPENED?

GREAT LEAP, JACK. UH, WHAT HAPPENED? WELL, THAT WAS A REAL

UH, WHAT HAPPENED? WELL, THAT WAS A REAL CONVINCING JUMP.

WELL, THAT WAS A REAL CONVINCING JUMP. I MEAN, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE

CONVINCING JUMP. I MEAN, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SKYSCRAPER, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SKYSCRAPER, YOU KNOW. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIGH ABOVE

A SKYSCRAPER, YOU KNOW. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIGH ABOVE THE GROUND, AND YOU WERE

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIGH ABOVE THE GROUND, AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DUCK.

THE GROUND, AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DUCK. WELL, WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY

SUPPOSED TO DUCK. WELL, WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME?

WELL, WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME? I READ THE SCRIPT.

TELL ME? I READ THE SCRIPT. IT JUST SAID JUMP.

I READ THE SCRIPT. IT JUST SAID JUMP. IT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT

IT JUST SAID JUMP. IT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DUCKING.

IT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DUCKING. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW,

DUCKING. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW, UH, LARAINE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW, UH, LARAINE. HI, HOW DO YOU DO?

UH, LARAINE. HI, HOW DO YOU DO? I'M BARRY SPATS.

HI, HOW DO YOU DO? I'M BARRY SPATS. I BELIEVE I HAVE A 3:00

I'M BARRY SPATS. I BELIEVE I HAVE A 3:00 APPOINTMENT WITH MR. ROSS.

I BELIEVE I HAVE A 3:00 APPOINTMENT WITH MR. ROSS. JOHN, SKIP THE LINES.

APPOINTMENT WITH MR. ROSS. JOHN, SKIP THE LINES. JACK FORGOT TO JUMP... UH, DUCK.

JOHN, SKIP THE LINES. JACK FORGOT TO JUMP... UH, DUCK. GREAT, JACK!

JACK FORGOT TO JUMP... UH, DUCK. GREAT, JACK! NICE GOING!

GREAT, JACK! NICE GOING! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS

NICE GOING! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO HERE, JACK!

I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO HERE, JACK! [SIREN WAILING]

SUPPOSED TO DO HERE, JACK! [SIREN WAILING] HEY, HEAR THOSE SIRENS?

[SIREN WAILING] HEY, HEAR THOSE SIRENS? THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE

HEY, HEAR THOSE SIRENS? THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE AMBULANCE THAT ARRIVES TOO LATE

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE AMBULANCE THAT ARRIVES TOO LATE TO SAVE YOU.

AMBULANCE THAT ARRIVES TOO LATE TO SAVE YOU. WELL, COULDN'T WE DO IT OVER?

TO SAVE YOU. WELL, COULDN'T WE DO IT OVER? I'M WILLING TO DO IT OVER AGAIN.

WELL, COULDN'T WE DO IT OVER? I'M WILLING TO DO IT OVER AGAIN. HEY, A WITNESS SAID THAT THEY

I'M WILLING TO DO IT OVER AGAIN. HEY, A WITNESS SAID THAT THEY SAW A MAN JUMP OUT OF THIS

HEY, A WITNESS SAID THAT THEY SAW A MAN JUMP OUT OF THIS WINDOW.

SAW A MAN JUMP OUT OF THIS WINDOW. YEAH, CAN YOU IDENTIFY HIM

WINDOW. YEAH, CAN YOU IDENTIFY HIM FOR US?

YEAH, CAN YOU IDENTIFY HIM FOR US? WHAT'S THE VICTIM'S NAME?

FOR US? WHAT'S THE VICTIM'S NAME? DROP IT, GUYS.

WHAT'S THE VICTIM'S NAME? DROP IT, GUYS. HUH?

DROP IT, GUYS. HUH? HI, GARRETT, BILL.

HUH? HI, GARRETT, BILL. NICE WORK, JACK.

HI, GARRETT, BILL. NICE WORK, JACK. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

NICE WORK, JACK. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING STANDING UP?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING STANDING UP? OKAY, HOLD IT, EVERYBODY.

STANDING UP? OKAY, HOLD IT, EVERYBODY. TOM SUSSMAN, DAILY NEWS.

OKAY, HOLD IT, EVERYBODY. TOM SUSSMAN, DAILY NEWS. GET PICTURES OF EVERYTHING,

TOM SUSSMAN, DAILY NEWS. GET PICTURES OF EVERYTHING, LOIS.

GET PICTURES OF EVERYTHING, LOIS. THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT STORY.

LOIS. THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT STORY. "WEALTHY EXEC GETS DEPRESSED.

THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT STORY. "WEALTHY EXEC GETS DEPRESSED. WIFE LEAVES HIM.

"WEALTHY EXEC GETS DEPRESSED. WIFE LEAVES HIM. HE TAKES THE PLUNGE."

WIFE LEAVES HIM. HE TAKES THE PLUNGE." DAN, JANE.

HE TAKES THE PLUNGE." DAN, JANE. OH.

DAN, JANE. OH. I SORT OF FEEL RESPONSIBLE

OH. I SORT OF FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, DAN.

I SORT OF FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, DAN. [SCREAMING]

FOR THIS, DAN. [SCREAMING] I JUST SAW HIM LYING ON THE

[SCREAMING] I JUST SAW HIM LYING ON THE SIDEWALK!

I JUST SAW HIM LYING ON THE SIDEWALK! OH, MY GOD!

SIDEWALK! OH, MY GOD! I WAS HIS MISTRESS!

OH, MY GOD! I WAS HIS MISTRESS! WE MET ON A WEEKEND IN TAHITI

I WAS HIS MISTRESS! WE MET ON A WEEKEND IN TAHITI AT CLUB MED!

WE MET ON A WEEKEND IN TAHITI AT CLUB MED! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND WE WERE

AT CLUB MED! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND WE WERE GONNA WORK IT OUT!

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND WE WERE GONNA WORK IT OUT! BUT I CAME TO TELL HIM IT WAS

GONNA WORK IT OUT! BUT I CAME TO TELL HIM IT WAS OVER!

BUT I CAME TO TELL HIM IT WAS OVER! I FEEL TERRIBLE!

OVER! I FEEL TERRIBLE! YOU FEEL TERRIBLE?

I FEEL TERRIBLE! YOU FEEL TERRIBLE? HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

YOU FEEL TERRIBLE? HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I MISS OUT ON A CHANCE OF GIVING

HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I MISS OUT ON A CHANCE OF GIVING MY BIG SPEECH.

I MISS OUT ON A CHANCE OF GIVING MY BIG SPEECH. OH, GOD.

MY BIG SPEECH. OH, GOD. BECAUSE MR. IMPROV OVER HERE

OH, GOD. BECAUSE MR. IMPROV OVER HERE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DUCK!

BECAUSE MR. IMPROV OVER HERE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DUCK! ISN'T THAT RIGHT?!

DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DUCK! ISN'T THAT RIGHT?! THAT'S RIGHT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT?! THAT'S RIGHT. I DIDN'T KNOW.

THAT'S RIGHT. I DIDN'T KNOW. IT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT.

I DIDN'T KNOW. IT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT. HE WAS MY TROOP LEADER.

IT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT. HE WAS MY TROOP LEADER. DOES THIS MEAN THE HIKE IS OFF?

HE WAS MY TROOP LEADER. DOES THIS MEAN THE HIKE IS OFF? OH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

DOES THIS MEAN THE HIKE IS OFF? OH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. MR. REALISM OVER HERE.

OH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. MR. REALISM OVER HERE. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, JACK.

MR. REALISM OVER HERE. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, JACK. TAKE CARE.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, JACK. TAKE CARE. SWEET WORKING WITH YOU, JACK.

TAKE CARE. SWEET WORKING WITH YOU, JACK. I... I FEEL KIND OF

SWEET WORKING WITH YOU, JACK. I... I FEEL KIND OF HUMILIATED, YOU KNOW, FOULING

I... I FEEL KIND OF HUMILIATED, YOU KNOW, FOULING THE SKETCH UP LIKE THIS.

HUMILIATED, YOU KNOW, FOULING THE SKETCH UP LIKE THIS. I DID TRY.

THE SKETCH UP LIKE THIS. I DID TRY. I'VE BEEN TRYING ALL WEEK.

I DID TRY. I'VE BEEN TRYING ALL WEEK. UH, I WAS TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE

I'VE BEEN TRYING ALL WEEK. UH, I WAS TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE FOR THE SHOW, MENTALLY AS WELL

UH, I WAS TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE FOR THE SHOW, MENTALLY AS WELL AS PHYSICALLY.

FOR THE SHOW, MENTALLY AS WELL AS PHYSICALLY. AND, UH...

AS PHYSICALLY. AND, UH... WELL, I REALLY WORKED OUT.

AND, UH... WELL, I REALLY WORKED OUT. IN FACT, I WAS SORT OF INSPIRED

WELL, I REALLY WORKED OUT. IN FACT, I WAS SORT OF INSPIRED BY THE, UH, MOVIE "ROCKY," UH,

IN FACT, I WAS SORT OF INSPIRED BY THE, UH, MOVIE "ROCKY," UH, AS THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS

BY THE, UH, MOVIE "ROCKY," UH, AS THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS WILL SHOW YOU.

AS THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS WILL SHOW YOU. YOU WANT TO ROLL THAT FILM,

WILL SHOW YOU. YOU WANT TO ROLL THAT FILM, DAVE?

YOU WANT TO ROLL THAT FILM, DAVE? MAYBE IT WILL SAVE MY ASS.

DAVE? MAYBE IT WILL SAVE MY ASS. [APPLAUSE]

[BILL CONTI'S "GONNA FLY NOW" PLAYS] ♪ TRYING HARD NOW ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ TRYING HARD NOW ♪ ♪ IT'S SO HARD NOW ♪

♪ TRYING HARD NOW ♪ ♪ IT'S SO HARD NOW ♪ ♪ TRYING HARD NOW ♪

♪ GETTING STRONG NOW ♪ ♪ WON'T BE LONG NOW ♪ ♪ GETTING STRONG NOW ♪

♪ WON'T BE LONG NOW ♪ ♪ GETTING STRONG NOW ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

[DRUMS BEATING]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "ASK BIG DADDY." TONIGHT, RANDOM CITIZENS OF

"ASK BIG DADDY." TONIGHT, RANDOM CITIZENS OF UGANDA WILL TALK TO THEIR OWN

TONIGHT, RANDOM CITIZENS OF UGANDA WILL TALK TO THEIR OWN PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, HIS

UGANDA WILL TALK TO THEIR OWN PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, HIS EXCELLENCY, IDI AMIN.

PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, HIS EXCELLENCY, IDI AMIN. THAT IS RIGHT, WALTER.

EXCELLENCY, IDI AMIN. THAT IS RIGHT, WALTER. TONIGHT, I WILL HAVE A PHONE

THAT IS RIGHT, WALTER. TONIGHT, I WILL HAVE A PHONE CALL, JUST LIKE YOUR

TONIGHT, I WILL HAVE A PHONE CALL, JUST LIKE YOUR PRESIDENT CARTER.

CALL, JUST LIKE YOUR PRESIDENT CARTER. HE AND I ARE VERY MUCH ALIKE,

PRESIDENT CARTER. HE AND I ARE VERY MUCH ALIKE, SOUL BROTHERS, AS YOU MIGHT SAY,

HE AND I ARE VERY MUCH ALIKE, SOUL BROTHERS, AS YOU MIGHT SAY, ALIKE, AND SOMEDAY, VERY GOOD

SOUL BROTHERS, AS YOU MIGHT SAY, ALIKE, AND SOMEDAY, VERY GOOD FRIENDS.

ALIKE, AND SOMEDAY, VERY GOOD FRIENDS. WELL, I'M SURE YOU'RE RIGHT.

REMEMBER, FOR THOSE WATCHING IN

UGANDA, THE NUMBER TO CALL IS

CROCODILE-41.

WELL, OUR FIRST CALLER IS ON THE

LINE.

HIS NAME IS ANU SHAPVY.

HE'S A 31-YEAR-OLD COFFEE WORKER IN KAMPALA. GO AHEAD, MR. SHAPVY.

IN KAMPALA. GO AHEAD, MR. SHAPVY. Hello?

GO AHEAD, MR. SHAPVY. Hello? HELLO, THIS IS BIG DADDY

Hello? HELLO, THIS IS BIG DADDY SPEAKING.

HELLO, THIS IS BIG DADDY SPEAKING. Yeah, I've got a question for

SPEAKING. Yeah, I've got a question for you.

Yeah, I've got a question for you. My brother is a Major under

you. My brother is a Major under General Nimba, and he

My brother is a Major under General Nimba, and he disappeared three weeks ago.

General Nimba, and he disappeared three weeks ago. Do you know what happened to

disappeared three weeks ago. Do you know what happened to him?

Do you know what happened to him? OH, YES, YES, HE DIED IN A

him? OH, YES, YES, HE DIED IN A CAR CRASH, YES.

OH, YES, YES, HE DIED IN A CAR CRASH, YES. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.

CAR CRASH, YES. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. Oh, okay, thank you.

THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. Oh, okay, thank you. I think you're doing a wonderful

Oh, okay, thank you. I think you're doing a wonderful job.

I think you're doing a wonderful job. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Job. YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU'RE WELCOME. ALL RIGHT, YOUR WORSHIPNESS,

YOU'RE WELCOME. ALL RIGHT, YOUR WORSHIPNESS, OUR NEXT CALLER IS SAMBIRA NABU,

ALL RIGHT, YOUR WORSHIPNESS, OUR NEXT CALLER IS SAMBIRA NABU, A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL FROM

OUR NEXT CALLER IS SAMBIRA NABU, A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL FROM OCOROCCO.

A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL FROM OCOROCCO. VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

OCOROCCO. VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD. YOUNG PEOPLE LOVE ME.

VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD. YOUNG PEOPLE LOVE ME. [LAUGHS]

YOUNG PEOPLE LOVE ME. [LAUGHS] HELLO, HELLO, LITTLE SAMBIRA.

[LAUGHS] HELLO, HELLO, LITTLE SAMBIRA. THIS IS BIG DADDY SPEAKING.

HELLO, HELLO, LITTLE SAMBIRA. THIS IS BIG DADDY SPEAKING. Yes, a week ago, your

THIS IS BIG DADDY SPEAKING. Yes, a week ago, your soldiers came and tied a bag

Yes, a week ago, your soldiers came and tied a bag over my father's head and beat

soldiers came and tied a bag over my father's head and beat him and threw him in the back of

over my father's head and beat him and threw him in the back of a police truck.

Him and threw him in the back of a police truck. Do you know what happened to

a police truck. Do you know what happened to him?

Do you know what happened to him? OH, I'M SORRY.

Him? OH, I'M SORRY. IT IS A VERY, VERY SAD THING.

OH, I'M SORRY. IT IS A VERY, VERY SAD THING. HE DIED IN A CAR CRASH, TOO.

IT IS A VERY, VERY SAD THING. HE DIED IN A CAR CRASH, TOO. YES.

HE DIED IN A CAR CRASH, TOO. YES. WELL, KEEP IN MIND THAT NONE

YES. WELL, KEEP IN MIND THAT NONE OF THESE CALLS ARE SCREENED AND

WELL, KEEP IN MIND THAT NONE OF THESE CALLS ARE SCREENED AND THAT PRESIDENT AMIN IS TALKING

OF THESE CALLS ARE SCREENED AND THAT PRESIDENT AMIN IS TALKING DIRECTLY TO HIS OWN PEOPLE.

THAT PRESIDENT AMIN IS TALKING DIRECTLY TO HIS OWN PEOPLE. THE NEXT PERSON ON THE LINE IS

DIRECTLY TO HIS OWN PEOPLE. THE NEXT PERSON ON THE LINE IS LAMBOBO BOBOLLO...

THE NEXT PERSON ON THE LINE IS LAMBOBO BOBOLLO... LAMBOBO BOBOLLO.

LAMBOBO BOBOLLO... LAMBOBO BOBOLLO. OUTSIDE OF KAMPALA.

LAMBOBO BOBOLLO. OUTSIDE OF KAMPALA. LAMBOBO BOBOLLO, YES.

OUTSIDE OF KAMPALA. LAMBOBO BOBOLLO, YES. Hello, President Amin.

LAMBOBO BOBOLLO, YES. Hello, President Amin. HELLO.

Hello, President Amin. HELLO. Yes, my aunt and uncle and

HELLO. Yes, my aunt and uncle and several old friends are still

Yes, my aunt and uncle and several old friends are still Christians, and they went to

several old friends are still Christians, and they went to church Sunday and have not come

Christians, and they went to church Sunday and have not come back.

Church Sunday and have not come back. Uh, I was just wondering where

back. Uh, I was just wondering where they might be.

Uh, I was just wondering where they might be. AH, IT WAS A VERY, VERY

they might be. AH, IT WAS A VERY, VERY UNFORTUNATE THING.

AH, IT WAS A VERY, VERY UNFORTUNATE THING. THEY DIED IN A BUS CRASH, OKAY?

UNFORTUNATE THING. THEY DIED IN A BUS CRASH, OKAY? Hey, no problem.

THEY DIED IN A BUS CRASH, OKAY? Hey, no problem. ALL RIGHT.

Hey, no problem. ALL RIGHT. On behalf of the Ugandan

ALL RIGHT. On behalf of the Ugandan peoples, thank you for being

On behalf of the Ugandan peoples, thank you for being ruler.

Peoples, thank you for being ruler. WELL, I DON'T MIND AT ALL.

Ruler. WELL, I DON'T MIND AT ALL. WELL, YOUR EXCELLENCY, OUR

WELL, I DON'T MIND AT ALL. WELL, YOUR EXCELLENCY, OUR TIME IS UP, AND BEFORE YOU

WELL, YOUR EXCELLENCY, OUR TIME IS UP, AND BEFORE YOU RELEASE ME, I'D LIKE TO JOIN

TIME IS UP, AND BEFORE YOU RELEASE ME, I'D LIKE TO JOIN THAT MAN AND INCLUDE MYSELF

RELEASE ME, I'D LIKE TO JOIN THAT MAN AND INCLUDE MYSELF AMONG YOUR MANY, MANY ADMIRERS.

THAT MAN AND INCLUDE MYSELF AMONG YOUR MANY, MANY ADMIRERS. THANK YOU, WALTER.

AMONG YOUR MANY, MANY ADMIRERS. THANK YOU, WALTER. YOU ARE THE BIG DADDY OF NEWS

THANK YOU, WALTER. YOU ARE THE BIG DADDY OF NEWS REPORTING.

YOU ARE THE BIG DADDY OF NEWS REPORTING. YES, OKAY, UH...

REPORTING. YES, OKAY, UH... THE TELEVISION SHOW, IT IS OVER.

[APPLAUSE]

NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S HOME MOVIE.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] [GASPING]

[APPLAUSE]

AHH. YOU KNOW, I LOVE FINE POETRY. HELLO, I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN.

YOU KNOW, I LOVE FINE POETRY. HELLO, I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN. YOU KNOW ME FROM MANY OTHER

HELLO, I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN. YOU KNOW ME FROM MANY OTHER TELEVISION COMMERCIALS.

YOU KNOW ME FROM MANY OTHER TELEVISION COMMERCIALS. I WANT TO SHARE A VERY INTIMATE

TELEVISION COMMERCIALS. I WANT TO SHARE A VERY INTIMATE SECRET WITH YOU.

I WANT TO SHARE A VERY INTIMATE SECRET WITH YOU. I BELIEVE A MAN MUST KEEP IN

SECRET WITH YOU. I BELIEVE A MAN MUST KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIS LOVED ONES.

I BELIEVE A MAN MUST KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIS LOVED ONES. YET SOMETIMES, THE TELEPHONE IS

TOUCH WITH HIS LOVED ONES. YET SOMETIMES, THE TELEPHONE IS NOT CLOSE ENOUGH.

YET SOMETIMES, THE TELEPHONE IS NOT CLOSE ENOUGH. THAT'S WHY WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING

NOT CLOSE ENOUGH. THAT'S WHY WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL TO SAY TO SOMEONE

THAT'S WHY WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL TO SAY TO SOMEONE SPECIAL, I SAY IT WITH A

SPECIAL TO SAY TO SOMEONE SPECIAL, I SAY IT WITH A PANTYGRAM.

SPECIAL, I SAY IT WITH A PANTYGRAM. YES, UNITED CABLE AND LINGERIE

PANTYGRAM. YES, UNITED CABLE AND LINGERIE WILL DELIVER YOUR MESSAGE,

YES, UNITED CABLE AND LINGERIE WILL DELIVER YOUR MESSAGE, HAND-EMBROIDERED ON THESE

WILL DELIVER YOUR MESSAGE, HAND-EMBROIDERED ON THESE BEAUTIFUL CLING-RESISTANT 100%

HAND-EMBROIDERED ON THESE BEAUTIFUL CLING-RESISTANT 100% RAYON PANTIES.

BEAUTIFUL CLING-RESISTANT 100% RAYON PANTIES. NOW, WHATEVER THE OCCASION,

RAYON PANTIES. NOW, WHATEVER THE OCCASION, YOUR DEAR ONES CAN PUT THEIR

NOW, WHATEVER THE OCCASION, YOUR DEAR ONES CAN PUT THEIR LEGS THROUGH YOUR MESSAGE.

YOUR DEAR ONES CAN PUT THEIR LEGS THROUGH YOUR MESSAGE. LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL

LEGS THROUGH YOUR MESSAGE. LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENTS.

LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENTS. "GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEW JOB."

SENTIMENTS. "GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEW JOB." "ARRIVING THURSDAY.

"GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEW JOB." "ARRIVING THURSDAY. JFK, FLIGHT 303."

"ARRIVING THURSDAY. JFK, FLIGHT 303." AND...

JFK, FLIGHT 303." AND... "SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT."

AND... "SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT." WHAT BETTER WAY TO SHOW THAT YOU

"SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT." WHAT BETTER WAY TO SHOW THAT YOU CARE?

WHAT BETTER WAY TO SHOW THAT YOU CARE? [DOORBELL BUZZES]

CARE? [DOORBELL BUZZES] COMING.

[DOORBELL BUZZES] COMING. [DOORBELL BUZZING]

COMING. [DOORBELL BUZZING] COMING!

[DOORBELL BUZZING] COMING! [BUZZING CONTINUES]

COMING! [BUZZING CONTINUES] COMING!

[BUZZING CONTINUES] COMING! PANTYGRAM.

COMING! PANTYGRAM. OH, THANK YOU.

PANTYGRAM. OH, THANK YOU. OH, THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU. OH, THANK YOU. PANTYGRAM, PANTYGRAM.

"IT'S BENIGN.

DR. MILLER."

OH!

[DOORBELL RINGS] YES, SIR. PANTYGRAM, SIR.

YES, SIR. PANTYGRAM, SIR. OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PANTYGRAM, SIR. OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HERE YOU ARE.

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HERE YOU ARE. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A TERRIFIC

HERE YOU ARE. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A TERRIFIC SON-IN-LAW."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A TERRIFIC SON-IN-LAW." PANTYGRAMS.

SON-IN-LAW." PANTYGRAMS. WHETHER IT'S INFORMATION YOU

PANTYGRAMS. WHETHER IT'S INFORMATION YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE OR JUST A

WHETHER IT'S INFORMATION YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE OR JUST A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION YOU WANT

WANT TO COMMUNICATE OR JUST A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION YOU WANT TO REMEMBER.

VERY SPECIAL OCCASION YOU WANT TO REMEMBER. HELLO, MOM.

TO REMEMBER. HELLO, MOM. YEAH, YOU'RE ALONE?

HELLO, MOM. YEAH, YOU'RE ALONE? NO, NO, NO, NO.

YEAH, YOU'RE ALONE? NO, NO, NO, NO. I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER. THANKS, THOUGH, HUH?

I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER. THANKS, THOUGH, HUH? YES, TRULY, A PANTYGRAM...

THANKS, THOUGH, HUH? YES, TRULY, A PANTYGRAM... A PANTYGRAM IS THE MESSAGE THAT

YES, TRULY, A PANTYGRAM... A PANTYGRAM IS THE MESSAGE THAT YOU CAN WEAR.

A PANTYGRAM IS THE MESSAGE THAT YOU CAN WEAR. [DOORBELL BUZZING]

YOU CAN WEAR. [DOORBELL BUZZING] COMING!

[DOORBELL BUZZING] COMING! [BUZZING CONTINUES]

COMING! [BUZZING CONTINUES] I'M COMING!

[BUZZING CONTINUES] I'M COMING! [BUZZING CONTINUES]

I'M COMING! [BUZZING CONTINUES] PANTYGRAM, MISS.

[BUZZING CONTINUES] PANTYGRAM, MISS. OH, COULD YOU PLEASE READ IT

PANTYGRAM, MISS. OH, COULD YOU PLEASE READ IT TO ME?

OH, COULD YOU PLEASE READ IT TO ME? CERTAINLY.

TO ME? CERTAINLY. IT SAYS, "YOUR SISTER ROSE IS

CERTAINLY. IT SAYS, "YOUR SISTER ROSE IS DEAD."

IT SAYS, "YOUR SISTER ROSE IS DEAD." OH, WELL, SHE WAS SUFFERING

DEAD." OH, WELL, SHE WAS SUFFERING ANYWAY.

OH, WELL, SHE WAS SUFFERING ANYWAY. THANK YOU.

YES, WHETHER IT'S A SAD

OCCASION OR A JOYOUS ONE, SAY

IT IN PANTYGRAMS.

PANTYGRAMS, FROM

UNITED CABLE AND LINGERIE.

NOW AVAILABLE IN NEW, WORN, AND

SOILED.

AHH.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, SANTANA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SANTANA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "EUROPA (EARTH'S CRY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "EUROPA (EARTH'S CRY HEAVEN'S SMILE)" PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD SHOW? I CAN NEVER TELL, 'CAUSE I

SHOW? I CAN NEVER TELL, 'CAUSE I DON'T WATCH IT.

I CAN NEVER TELL, 'CAUSE I DON'T WATCH IT. YEAH, I KNOW.

DON'T WATCH IT. YEAH, I KNOW. WE DON'T GET TO SEE IT 'CAUSE

YEAH, I KNOW. WE DON'T GET TO SEE IT 'CAUSE WE'RE RUNNING AROUND AND

WE DON'T GET TO SEE IT 'CAUSE WE'RE RUNNING AROUND AND EVERYTHING.

WE'RE RUNNING AROUND AND EVERYTHING. [Slurring] I WAS LOOKING

EVERYTHING. [Slurring] I WAS LOOKING FOR THE MEN'S ROOM.

[Slurring] I WAS LOOKING FOR THE MEN'S ROOM. I WAS LOOKING...

FOR THE MEN'S ROOM. I WAS LOOKING... WAIT A MINUTE.

I WAS LOOKING... WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT... I KNOW YOU KIDS.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT... I KNOW YOU KIDS. I KNOW YOU.

WAIT... I KNOW YOU KIDS. I KNOW YOU. I SEE YOU ON TELEVISION ALL THE

I KNOW YOU. I SEE YOU ON TELEVISION ALL THE TIME.

I SEE YOU ON TELEVISION ALL THE TIME. OH, THANK YOU.

TIME. OH, THANK YOU. YOU'RE GREAT.

OH, THANK YOU. YOU'RE GREAT. I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE GREAT. I LOVE YOU. I NEVER... I NEVER... I NEVER

I LOVE YOU. I NEVER... I NEVER... I NEVER MISS "LAUGH-IN."

I NEVER... I NEVER... I NEVER MISS "LAUGH-IN." I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME.

MISS "LAUGH-IN." I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME. I JUST LOVE "LAUGH-IN."

I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME. I JUST LOVE "LAUGH-IN." YOU ARE FUNNY.

I JUST LOVE "LAUGH-IN." YOU ARE FUNNY. [CHUCKLES]

YOU ARE FUNNY. [CHUCKLES] UH, UH, WE'RE NOT ON "LAUGH-IN."

[CHUCKLES] UH, UH, WE'RE NOT ON "LAUGH-IN." I'M, UH, JANE CURTIN, AND THIS

UH, UH, WE'RE NOT ON "LAUGH-IN." I'M, UH, JANE CURTIN, AND THIS IS GILDA RADNER.

I'M, UH, JANE CURTIN, AND THIS IS GILDA RADNER. WE'RE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

IS GILDA RADNER. WE'RE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." THE WAY YOU HIT THAT GUY WITH

WE'RE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." THE WAY YOU HIT THAT GUY WITH THE PURSE AND KNOCK HIM OVER, I

THE WAY YOU HIT THAT GUY WITH THE PURSE AND KNOCK HIM OVER, I LOVE THAT.

THE PURSE AND KNOCK HIM OVER, I LOVE THAT. KNOCK HIM OVER.

LOVE THAT. KNOCK HIM OVER. THAT'S FUNNY STUFF.

KNOCK HIM OVER. THAT'S FUNNY STUFF. LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.

THAT'S FUNNY STUFF. LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF. I'M GAGS BEASLEY.

LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF. I'M GAGS BEASLEY. I'M IN THE BUSINESS.

I'M GAGS BEASLEY. I'M IN THE BUSINESS. I'M A COMEDY WRITER.

I'M IN THE BUSINESS. I'M A COMEDY WRITER. THE NAME RING A BELL?

I'M A COMEDY WRITER. THE NAME RING A BELL? NO.

THE NAME RING A BELL? NO. SURE, IT DOES.

NO. SURE, IT DOES. SURE, IT DOES!

SURE, IT DOES. SURE, IT DOES! GAGS BEASLEY.

SURE, IT DOES! GAGS BEASLEY. YEAH, I... I WROTE FOR...

GAGS BEASLEY. YEAH, I... I WROTE FOR... I WROTE FOR EDDIE CANTOR, AND I

YEAH, I... I WROTE FOR... I WROTE FOR EDDIE CANTOR, AND I WROTE FOR FRED ALLEN.

I WROTE FOR EDDIE CANTOR, AND I WROTE FOR FRED ALLEN. I'D BE WRITING FOR BOB HOPE

WROTE FOR FRED ALLEN. I'D BE WRITING FOR BOB HOPE TODAY IF HE WERE ALIVE.

I'D BE WRITING FOR BOB HOPE TODAY IF HE WERE ALIVE. [SNIFFS]

TODAY IF HE WERE ALIVE. [SNIFFS] WELL, YOU'VE BEEN IN THE

[SNIFFS] WELL, YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BUSINESS FOR A LONG TIME, THEN.

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BUSINESS FOR A LONG TIME, THEN. OH, I WROTE FOR THEM ALL.

BUSINESS FOR A LONG TIME, THEN. OH, I WROTE FOR THEM ALL. YEAH, I WROTE FOR... AND BY THE

OH, I WROTE FOR THEM ALL. YEAH, I WROTE FOR... AND BY THE WAY, I AM OFF THE BOOZE.

YEAH, I WROTE FOR... AND BY THE WAY, I AM OFF THE BOOZE. I AM OFF THE... DON'T START THAT

WAY, I AM OFF THE BOOZE. I AM OFF THE... DON'T START THAT RUMOR.

I AM OFF THE... DON'T START THAT RUMOR. THAT'S WHAT KILLED ME IN THIS

RUMOR. THAT'S WHAT KILLED ME IN THIS BUSINESS, IS I WAS ON THE SAUCE.

THAT'S WHAT KILLED ME IN THIS BUSINESS, IS I WAS ON THE SAUCE. I HAVEN'T... I HAVEN'T HAD A

BUSINESS, IS I WAS ON THE SAUCE. I HAVEN'T... I HAVEN'T HAD A DROP IN 20 YEARS.

I HAVEN'T... I HAVEN'T HAD A DROP IN 20 YEARS. SWEAR TO GOD!

DROP IN 20 YEARS. SWEAR TO GOD! SWEAR TO GOD!

SWEAR TO GOD! SWEAR TO GOD! THIS IS JUST THE RESIDUAL

SWEAR TO GOD! THIS IS JUST THE RESIDUAL EFFECT.

THIS IS JUST THE RESIDUAL EFFECT. AM I GOING TO THE BATHROOM?

EFFECT. AM I GOING TO THE BATHROOM? LOOK, UH, MR. BEASLEY, IT WAS

AM I GOING TO THE BATHROOM? LOOK, UH, MR. BEASLEY, IT WAS VERY NICE MEETING YOU, BUT WE...

LOOK, UH, MR. BEASLEY, IT WAS VERY NICE MEETING YOU, BUT WE... I'M SORRY TO LOSE CONTROL.

VERY NICE MEETING YOU, BUT WE... I'M SORRY TO LOSE CONTROL. I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY TO LOSE CONTROL. I DON'T KNOW. BUT I LOVE YOU KIDS.

I DON'T KNOW. BUT I LOVE YOU KIDS. I WORKED WITH JOKES JAMESON.

BUT I LOVE YOU KIDS. I WORKED WITH JOKES JAMESON. JOKES AND GAGS, GAGS AND JOKES.

I WORKED WITH JOKES JAMESON. JOKES AND GAGS, GAGS AND JOKES. I WROTE THE GAGS, AND JOKES

JOKES AND GAGS, GAGS AND JOKES. I WROTE THE GAGS, AND JOKES WROTE THE PUNCH LINE.

I WROTE THE GAGS, AND JOKES WROTE THE PUNCH LINE. OH, HE WAS A LEGEND.

WROTE THE PUNCH LINE. OH, HE WAS A LEGEND. UH, JOKES IS GONE NOW.

OH, HE WAS A LEGEND. UH, JOKES IS GONE NOW. GOD REST HIS SOUL.

UH, JOKES IS GONE NOW. GOD REST HIS SOUL. JOKES IS DEAD?

GOD REST HIS SOUL. JOKES IS DEAD? JOKES IS GONE!

JOKES IS DEAD? JOKES IS GONE! GOD REST HIS SOUL!

JOKES IS GONE! GOD REST HIS SOUL! I WAS WITH HIM WHEN HE DIED.

GOD REST HIS SOUL! I WAS WITH HIM WHEN HE DIED. HE WAS KILLED BY A JOKE.

I WAS WITH HIM WHEN HE DIED. HE WAS KILLED BY A JOKE. HE WAS A TROUPER, A REAL...

HE WAS KILLED BY A JOKE. HE WAS A TROUPER, A REAL... THESE KIDS TODAY, THEY DON'T

HE WAS A TROUPER, A REAL... THESE KIDS TODAY, THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE SKETCHES.

THESE KIDS TODAY, THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE SKETCHES. THEY WRITE GARBAGE!

KNOW HOW TO WRITE SKETCHES. THEY WRITE GARBAGE! GARBAGE!

THEY WRITE GARBAGE! GARBAGE! [GAGGING]

GARBAGE! [GAGGING] [COUGHS]

[GAGGING] [COUGHS] I'LL BE OKAY.

[COUGHS] I'LL BE OKAY. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE OKAY. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KIDS SHOULD

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KIDS SHOULD REMEMBER?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KIDS SHOULD REMEMBER? I LOVE YOU KIDS.

REMEMBER? I LOVE YOU KIDS. I SWEAR TO GOD.

I LOVE YOU KIDS. I SWEAR TO GOD. REMEMBER THIS.

I SWEAR TO GOD. REMEMBER THIS. THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN

REMEMBER THIS. THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN COMEDY AND HUMOR.

THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN COMEDY AND HUMOR. OH, THAT'S VERY PROFOUND,

COMEDY AND HUMOR. OH, THAT'S VERY PROFOUND, GAGS.

OH, THAT'S VERY PROFOUND, GAGS. HUH?

GAGS. HUH? THAT'S VERY PROFOUND.

HUH? THAT'S VERY PROFOUND. THAT'S PROFOUND!

THAT'S VERY PROFOUND. THAT'S PROFOUND! YOU DON'T LIKE THAT?

THAT'S PROFOUND! YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? YOU DON'T SEE THAT ON A BATHROOM

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? YOU DON'T SEE THAT ON A BATHROOM WALL.

YOU DON'T SEE THAT ON A BATHROOM WALL. STRUCTURE IS EVERYTHING IN

WALL. STRUCTURE IS EVERYTHING IN COMEDY.

STRUCTURE IS EVERYTHING IN COMEDY. I KNEW STRUCTURE.

COMEDY. I KNEW STRUCTURE. I KNEW IT!

I KNEW STRUCTURE. I KNEW IT! I LIVED IT.

I KNEW IT! I LIVED IT. YOU SEE THIS ASHTRAY?

I LIVED IT. YOU SEE THIS ASHTRAY? YEAH.

YOU SEE THIS ASHTRAY? YEAH. THAT ASHTRAY BY ITSELF, THAT

YEAH. THAT ASHTRAY BY ITSELF, THAT ISN'T FUNNY.

THAT ASHTRAY BY ITSELF, THAT ISN'T FUNNY. BUT YOU PUT IT IN A FUNNY

ISN'T FUNNY. BUT YOU PUT IT IN A FUNNY SITUATION, THAT'S COMEDY!

BUT YOU PUT IT IN A FUNNY SITUATION, THAT'S COMEDY! THAT'S COMEDY.

SITUATION, THAT'S COMEDY! THAT'S COMEDY. I LOVE IT.

THAT'S COMEDY. I LOVE IT. I LOVE COMEDY.

I LOVE IT. I LOVE COMEDY. YOU DON'T SEE THAT KIND OF STUFF

I LOVE COMEDY. YOU DON'T SEE THAT KIND OF STUFF TODAY.

YOU DON'T SEE THAT KIND OF STUFF TODAY. WELL, GAGS, TIMES CHANGE, I

TODAY. WELL, GAGS, TIMES CHANGE, I GUESS, YOU KNOW.

WELL, GAGS, TIMES CHANGE, I GUESS, YOU KNOW. JOKES DON'T CHANGE.

GUESS, YOU KNOW. JOKES DON'T CHANGE. YOU'RE TALKING TO THE MAN WHO

JOKES DON'T CHANGE. YOU'RE TALKING TO THE MAN WHO WROTE THE CLASSIC BANANA SKETCH

YOU'RE TALKING TO THE MAN WHO WROTE THE CLASSIC BANANA SKETCH FOR EDDIE CANTOR.

WROTE THE CLASSIC BANANA SKETCH FOR EDDIE CANTOR. I WROTE THAT!

FOR EDDIE CANTOR. I WROTE THAT! YEAH, EDDIE SAID, "GAGS, IT

I WROTE THAT! YEAH, EDDIE SAID, "GAGS, IT WON'T WORK."

YEAH, EDDIE SAID, "GAGS, IT WON'T WORK." I SAID, "YOU'RE CRAZY."

WON'T WORK." I SAID, "YOU'RE CRAZY." HE SAID, "GAGS, IT WON'T WORK."

I SAID, "YOU'RE CRAZY." HE SAID, "GAGS, IT WON'T WORK." I SAID, "EDDIE, GIVE IT A

HE SAID, "GAGS, IT WON'T WORK." I SAID, "EDDIE, GIVE IT A CHANCE.

I SAID, "EDDIE, GIVE IT A CHANCE. GIVE IT A CHANCE.

CHANCE. GIVE IT A CHANCE. GIVE IT A CHANCE."

GIVE IT A CHANCE. GIVE IT A CHANCE." YEAH, AND I GOT 3,000 BANANAS.

GIVE IT A CHANCE." YEAH, AND I GOT 3,000 BANANAS. 3,000!

YEAH, AND I GOT 3,000 BANANAS. 3,000! AND WE HUNG THEM ALL OVER THE

3,000! AND WE HUNG THEM ALL OVER THE STUDIO.

AND WE HUNG THEM ALL OVER THE STUDIO. IT WOULD HAVE WORKED, TOO, BUT

STUDIO. IT WOULD HAVE WORKED, TOO, BUT IT WAS RADIO.

IT WOULD HAVE WORKED, TOO, BUT IT WAS RADIO. [CHUCKLES]

IT WAS RADIO. [CHUCKLES] I WAS ALWAYS AHEAD OF MY

[CHUCKLES] I WAS ALWAYS AHEAD OF MY TIME.

I WAS ALWAYS AHEAD OF MY TIME. I AL... AM I GOING TO THE

TIME. I AL... AM I GOING TO THE BATHROOM YET?

I AL... AM I GOING TO THE BATHROOM YET? OH, GAGS.

BATHROOM YET? OH, GAGS. LOOK, GAGS, WE'RE SORRY.

OH, GAGS. LOOK, GAGS, WE'RE SORRY. WE HAVE TO GO.

LOOK, GAGS, WE'RE SORRY. WE HAVE TO GO. YOU SEE, UH, WE HAVE TO DO THE

WE HAVE TO GO. YOU SEE, UH, WE HAVE TO DO THE SHOW, AND...

YOU SEE, UH, WE HAVE TO DO THE SHOW, AND... CAN I ASK YOU KIDS SOMETHING?

SHOW, AND... CAN I ASK YOU KIDS SOMETHING? DO YOU NEED ANY WRITERS ON THIS

CAN I ASK YOU KIDS SOMETHING? DO YOU NEED ANY WRITERS ON THIS SHOW YOU'RE DOING?

DO YOU NEED ANY WRITERS ON THIS SHOW YOU'RE DOING? WELL, WE HAVE A WRITING

SHOW YOU'RE DOING? WELL, WE HAVE A WRITING STAFF.

WELL, WE HAVE A WRITING STAFF. I'M READY TO GO BACK TO WORK.

STAFF. I'M READY TO GO BACK TO WORK. I'VE BEEN, YOU KNOW, LAYING OFF

I'M READY TO GO BACK TO WORK. I'VE BEEN, YOU KNOW, LAYING OFF 'CAUSE I WAS WORKING TOO HARD,

I'VE BEEN, YOU KNOW, LAYING OFF 'CAUSE I WAS WORKING TOO HARD, AND I HAD ENOUGH MONEY.

'CAUSE I WAS WORKING TOO HARD, AND I HAD ENOUGH MONEY. BUT I WROTE A MONOLOGUE TODAY.

AND I HAD ENOUGH MONEY. BUT I WROTE A MONOLOGUE TODAY. I WAS JUST...

BUT I WROTE A MONOLOGUE TODAY. I WAS JUST... I'LL READ IT TO YOU.

I WAS JUST... I'LL READ IT TO YOU. MAYBE ONE OF YOUR GUEST HOSTS...

I'LL READ IT TO YOU. MAYBE ONE OF YOUR GUEST HOSTS... DO YOU HAVE GUEST HOSTS?

MAYBE ONE OF YOUR GUEST HOSTS... DO YOU HAVE GUEST HOSTS? Both: YEAH.

DO YOU HAVE GUEST HOSTS? Both: YEAH. HE COULD USE IT.

Both: YEAH. HE COULD USE IT. THIS IS FUNNY!

HE COULD USE IT. THIS IS FUNNY! FUNNY KIND OF STUFF.

THIS IS FUNNY! FUNNY KIND OF STUFF. BAM, BAM!

FUNNY KIND OF STUFF. BAM, BAM! NO WAITING AROUND FOR A JOKE.

BAM, BAM! NO WAITING AROUND FOR A JOKE. A JOKE A MINUTE.

NO WAITING AROUND FOR A JOKE. A JOKE A MINUTE. AND I WROTE THIS FOR JACK BENNY,

A JOKE A MINUTE. AND I WROTE THIS FOR JACK BENNY, BUT IT'S TOO HIP FOR HIM.

AND I WROTE THIS FOR JACK BENNY, BUT IT'S TOO HIP FOR HIM. GAGS, JACK...

BUT IT'S TOO HIP FOR HIM. GAGS, JACK... JAN, DON'T.

GAGS, JACK... JAN, DON'T. AND THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD

JAN, DON'T. AND THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD SAY.

AND THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD SAY. AND IT WOULD START OFF LIKE

SAY. AND IT WOULD START OFF LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW, TOPICAL.

AND IT WOULD START OFF LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW, TOPICAL. "AND THESE KIDS, TODAY, THEY'RE

THIS, YOU KNOW, TOPICAL. "AND THESE KIDS, TODAY, THEY'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH THEIR ZOOT

"AND THESE KIDS, TODAY, THEY'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH THEIR ZOOT SUITS AND THEIR BOOGIE-WOOGIE.

DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH THEIR ZOOT SUITS AND THEIR BOOGIE-WOOGIE. AND THIS NEW SINGER SINATRA,

SUITS AND THEIR BOOGIE-WOOGIE. AND THIS NEW SINGER SINATRA, HE'S SO THIN, WHEN HE TAKES A

AND THIS NEW SINGER SINATRA, HE'S SO THIN, WHEN HE TAKES A BATH, HE NEEDS A LIFEGUARD WITH

HE'S SO THIN, WHEN HE TAKES A BATH, HE NEEDS A LIFEGUARD WITH HIM SO HE WON'T GO DOWN THE

BATH, HE NEEDS A LIFEGUARD WITH HIM SO HE WON'T GO DOWN THE DRAIN."

HIM SO HE WON'T GO DOWN THE DRAIN." GOOD, HUH?

DRAIN." GOOD, HUH? YEAH, IT'S FUNNY.

GOOD, HUH? YEAH, IT'S FUNNY. "AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT

YEAH, IT'S FUNNY. "AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT ROOSEVELT'S NEW DEAL?

"AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT ROOSEVELT'S NEW DEAL? I'M STILL PAYING FOR THE OLD

ROOSEVELT'S NEW DEAL? I'M STILL PAYING FOR THE OLD DEAL."

I'M STILL PAYING FOR THE OLD DEAL." GAGS, IT'S TERRIFIC.

DEAL." GAGS, IT'S TERRIFIC. IT'S REALLY FINE.

GAGS, IT'S TERRIFIC. IT'S REALLY FINE. IT JUST NEEDS TO BE UPDATED A

IT'S REALLY FINE. IT JUST NEEDS TO BE UPDATED A LITTLE.

IT JUST NEEDS TO BE UPDATED A LITTLE. THAT'S ALL.

LITTLE. THAT'S ALL. OH.

THAT'S ALL. OH. UH, WOULD YOU GIVE...

OH. UH, WOULD YOU GIVE... WOULD YOU GIVE A CARD TO YOUR

UH, WOULD YOU GIVE... WOULD YOU GIVE A CARD TO YOUR PRODUCER AND HAVE HIM CALL ME IF

WOULD YOU GIVE A CARD TO YOUR PRODUCER AND HAVE HIM CALL ME IF HE NEEDS A WRITER?

PRODUCER AND HAVE HIM CALL ME IF HE NEEDS A WRITER? THIS IS AN 8 OF CLUBS.

HE NEEDS A WRITER? THIS IS AN 8 OF CLUBS. MY NUMBER'S ON IT.

THIS IS AN 8 OF CLUBS. MY NUMBER'S ON IT. OH.

MY NUMBER'S ON IT. OH. IT'S A PAY PHONE.

OH. IT'S A PAY PHONE. JUST RING IT.

IT'S A PAY PHONE. JUST RING IT. I'LL BE THERE.

JUST RING IT. I'LL BE THERE. OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM.

I'LL BE THERE. OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. GOOD LUCK, GAGS.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. GOOD LUCK, GAGS. I NEED IT.

GOOD LUCK, GAGS. I NEED IT. I'M STILL A GOOD COMEDY WRITER.

I NEED IT. I'M STILL A GOOD COMEDY WRITER. COMEDY'S...

I'M STILL A GOOD COMEDY WRITER. COMEDY'S... COMEDY'S ALL I KNOW.

COMEDY'S... COMEDY'S ALL I KNOW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SAY GOOD NIGHT TO EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.