Original subtitles

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "SATURDAY NIGHT" IS PROUD TO PRESENT

GENTLEMEN, "SATURDAY NIGHT" IS PROUD TO PRESENT RHONDA WEISS AND THE RHONDETTES.

PROUD TO PRESENT RHONDA WEISS AND THE RHONDETTES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RHONDA WEISS AND THE RHONDETTES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ OOH ♪

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ OOH ♪ THEY SAY YOU GAVE RATS

♪ OOH ♪ THEY SAY YOU GAVE RATS CANCER, AND I SAY THAT CAN'T BE

THEY SAY YOU GAVE RATS CANCER, AND I SAY THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.

CANCER, AND I SAY THAT CAN'T BE TRUE. BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SO VERY

TRUE. BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SO VERY SWEET.

BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SO VERY SWEET. THAT'S SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER DO.

SWEET. THAT'S SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER DO. I LOVE YOU, I NEEDED YOU.

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER DO. I LOVE YOU, I NEEDED YOU. WE HAD A FINE RELATION TILL LAST

I LOVE YOU, I NEEDED YOU. WE HAD A FINE RELATION TILL LAST WEEK WHEN IT WAS RUINED BY THE

WE HAD A FINE RELATION TILL LAST WEEK WHEN IT WAS RUINED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION.

WEEK WHEN IT WAS RUINED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION. ♪ AND I CAN LOOK EVERYWHERE

FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION. ♪ AND I CAN LOOK EVERYWHERE FROM ARKANSAS TO AKRON ♪

♪ AND I CAN LOOK EVERYWHERE FROM ARKANSAS TO AKRON ♪ ♪ BUT, SUGAR ♪

FROM ARKANSAS TO AKRON ♪ ♪ BUT, SUGAR ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO SUGAR SUBSTITUTE

♪ BUT, SUGAR ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO SUGAR SUBSTITUTE TO SUBSTITUTE FOR SACC-HA-RIN ♪

♪ THERE'S NO SUGAR SUBSTITUTE TO SUBSTITUTE FOR SACC-HA-RIN ♪ ♪ SACCHARIN ♪

TO SUBSTITUTE FOR SACC-HA-RIN ♪ ♪ SACCHARIN ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, SACC-HA-RIN ♪

♪ SACCHARIN ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, SACC-HA-RIN ♪ ♪ BYE-BYE ♪

♪ GOODBYE, SACC-HA-RIN ♪ ♪ BYE-BYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, SACCHARIN ♪

♪ BYE-BYE ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, SACCHARIN ♪ [EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪ GOODBYE, SACCHARIN ♪ [EXHALES SHARPLY] ♪ WHEN I HAD... MY FIRST TASTE OF

[EXHALES SHARPLY] ♪ WHEN I HAD... MY FIRST TASTE OF YOU ♪

♪ WHEN I HAD... MY FIRST TASTE OF YOU ♪ ♪ AND YOU STOPPED MY TEENAGE

YOU ♪ ♪ AND YOU STOPPED MY TEENAGE SOBBINGS ♪

♪ AND YOU STOPPED MY TEENAGE SOBBINGS ♪ ♪ BY SHOWING ME THERE WAS A BIG,

SOBBINGS ♪ ♪ BY SHOWING ME THERE WAS A BIG, WIDE WORLD OUTSIDE

♪ BY SHOWING ME THERE WAS A BIG, WIDE WORLD OUTSIDE OF BASKIN-ROBBINS ♪

WIDE WORLD OUTSIDE OF BASKIN-ROBBINS ♪ ♪ ROBBINS ♪

OF BASKIN-ROBBINS ♪ ♪ ROBBINS ♪ SO, WHAT DID YOU WEIGH IN

♪ ROBBINS ♪ SO, WHAT DID YOU WEIGH IN COLLEGE?

SO, WHAT DID YOU WEIGH IN COLLEGE? I WENT UP AND DOWN.

COLLEGE? I WENT UP AND DOWN. LIKE, AROUND WHAT?

I WENT UP AND DOWN. LIKE, AROUND WHAT? BETWEEN 115 AND 125.

LIKE, AROUND WHAT? BETWEEN 115 AND 125. CLOSER TO 115 OR 125?

BETWEEN 115 AND 125. CLOSER TO 115 OR 125? BETWEEN, LIKE, 123 AND 125.

CLOSER TO 115 OR 125? BETWEEN, LIKE, 123 AND 125. LIKE, AROUND 124?

BETWEEN, LIKE, 123 AND 125. LIKE, AROUND 124? BITCH.

LIKE, AROUND 124? BITCH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BITCH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] ♪ OOH ♪

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ FIRST CHANCE ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ FIRST CHANCE ♪ ♪ TO WEAR MY CLOTHES WITHOUT

♪ FIRST CHANCE ♪ ♪ TO WEAR MY CLOTHES WITHOUT IMPRINTING IN MY SKIN ♪

♪ TO WEAR MY CLOTHES WITHOUT IMPRINTING IN MY SKIN ♪ ♪ THE ELASTIC FROM MY

IMPRINTING IN MY SKIN ♪ ♪ THE ELASTIC FROM MY UNDERPANTS ♪

♪ THE ELASTIC FROM MY UNDERPANTS ♪ ♪ UNDERPANTS ♪

UNDERPANTS ♪ ♪ UNDERPANTS ♪ BUT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE

♪ UNDERPANTS ♪ BUT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FACT THAT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN

BUT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FACT THAT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND...

FACT THAT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND... YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I CAN

AROUND... YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I CAN ZIP MY JEANS WITHOUT LYING

YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I CAN ZIP MY JEANS WITHOUT LYING DOWN.

ZIP MY JEANS WITHOUT LYING DOWN. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!

DOWN. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO! THAT'S NOT TRUE.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO! THAT'S NOT TRUE. IMAGINE I STEP INTO MY CAR,

THAT'S NOT TRUE. IMAGINE I STEP INTO MY CAR, DRIVE A LITTLE TOO FAST TO THE

IMAGINE I STEP INTO MY CAR, DRIVE A LITTLE TOO FAST TO THE MARKET.

DRIVE A LITTLE TOO FAST TO THE MARKET. I'M PANICKED.

MARKET. I'M PANICKED. IT'S RAINING REAL HARD, AND I

I'M PANICKED. IT'S RAINING REAL HARD, AND I CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO PARK IT.

IT'S RAINING REAL HARD, AND I CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO PARK IT. BUT FINALLY, EXHAUSTED, I RACE

CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO PARK IT. BUT FINALLY, EXHAUSTED, I RACE FROM THE STORE... IT FEELS

BUT FINALLY, EXHAUSTED, I RACE FROM THE STORE... IT FEELS REALLY FAR... AND PILE

FROM THE STORE... IT FEELS REALLY FAR... AND PILE EVERYTHING THEY HAD THAT

REALLY FAR... AND PILE EVERYTHING THEY HAD THAT CONTAINS ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER IN

EVERYTHING THEY HAD THAT CONTAINS ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER IN THE FRONT SEAT OF MY CAR.

CONTAINS ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER IN THE FRONT SEAT OF MY CAR. THEN I SQUEEZE IN AND PULL OUT,

THE FRONT SEAT OF MY CAR. THEN I SQUEEZE IN AND PULL OUT, HEADING FOR THE NEXT FOOD PLACE.

THEN I SQUEEZE IN AND PULL OUT, HEADING FOR THE NEXT FOOD PLACE. TOO BAD I DIDN'T SEE THE

HEADING FOR THE NEXT FOOD PLACE. TOO BAD I DIDN'T SEE THE GOOD HUMOR TRUCK COMING STRAIGHT

TOO BAD I DIDN'T SEE THE GOOD HUMOR TRUCK COMING STRAIGHT AT ME BEFORE THE CASE OF TAB

GOOD HUMOR TRUCK COMING STRAIGHT AT ME BEFORE THE CASE OF TAB SLID ACROSS MY FACE!

AT ME BEFORE THE CASE OF TAB SLID ACROSS MY FACE! HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?!

SLID ACROSS MY FACE! HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?! HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?!

HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?! HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?! HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?!

HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?! HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?! WATCH ME DIE.

HAVE YOU GOT INSURANCE?! WATCH ME DIE. ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪

WATCH ME DIE. ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪

♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ AND THE TRUTH IS, THAT'S WHAT

♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ AND THE TRUTH IS, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AT

AND THE TRUTH IS, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AT 7:00.

HAPPENED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AT 7:00. ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪

7:00. ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪

♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ NOW SACCHARIN AND I WILL BE

♪ OOH, AH-OOH ♪ NOW SACCHARIN AND I WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER IN LOW-CALORIE

NOW SACCHARIN AND I WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER IN LOW-CALORIE HEAVEN.

TOGETHER FOREVER IN LOW-CALORIE HEAVEN. ♪ SACCHARIN ♪

HEAVEN. ♪ SACCHARIN ♪ YOU LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY

♪ SACCHARIN ♪ YOU LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH!

YOU LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH! ♪ SACCHARIN ♪

MOUTH! ♪ SACCHARIN ♪ BUT YOU KEPT MY SEAMS FROM

♪ SACCHARIN ♪ BUT YOU KEPT MY SEAMS FROM BUSTING!

BUT YOU KEPT MY SEAMS FROM BUSTING! ♪ SACCHARIN ♪

BUSTING! ♪ SACCHARIN ♪ WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE, MY

♪ SACCHARIN ♪ WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE, MY BODY WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY

WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE, MY BODY WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!

BODY WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! ♪ AND I CAN LOOK EVERYWHERE FROM

DISGUSTING! ♪ AND I CAN LOOK EVERYWHERE FROM ARKANSAS TO AKRON ♪

♪ AND I CAN LOOK EVERYWHERE FROM ARKANSAS TO AKRON ♪ ♪ BUT, SUGAR ♪

ARKANSAS TO AKRON ♪ ♪ BUT, SUGAR ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO SUGAR SUBSTITUTE

♪ BUT, SUGAR ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO SUGAR SUBSTITUTE TO SUBSTITUTE FOR SACC-HA-RIN ♪

♪ THERE'S NO SUGAR SUBSTITUTE TO SUBSTITUTE FOR SACC-HA-RIN ♪ ♪ OHH ♪

TO SUBSTITUTE FOR SACC-HA-RIN ♪ ♪ OHH ♪ BUT I'LL BE FIT FOREVER, AND

♪ OHH ♪ BUT I'LL BE FIT FOREVER, AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

BUT I'LL BE FIT FOREVER, AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT. JUST DO WHAT I'VE DONE AND GO ON

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT. JUST DO WHAT I'VE DONE AND GO ON THE CAR-CRASH DIET.

JUST DO WHAT I'VE DONE AND GO ON THE CAR-CRASH DIET. GOODBYE, AKRON.

THE CAR-CRASH DIET. GOODBYE, AKRON. HELLO, SACCHARIN!

GOODBYE, AKRON. HELLO, SACCHARIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, SACCHARIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. AND NOW... AND NOW, EVERYBODY...

THANK YOU. AND NOW... AND NOW, EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

AND NOW... AND NOW, EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE RHONDETTES.

EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE RHONDETTES. JANE CURTAIN FROM BOSTON.

THE RHONDETTES. JANE CURTAIN FROM BOSTON. LARAINE NEWMAN FROM L.A.

JANE CURTAIN FROM BOSTON. LARAINE NEWMAN FROM L.A. AND, FINALLY, LINDA RONSTADT

LARAINE NEWMAN FROM L.A. AND, FINALLY, LINDA RONSTADT FROM THE PLAZA HOTEL.

AND, FINALLY, LINDA RONSTADT FROM THE PLAZA HOTEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FROM THE PLAZA HOTEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. AND... NOW...

THANK YOU. AND... NOW... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

AND... NOW... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT"... STARRING...

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... BRODERICK CRAWFORD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AS A VERY OLD AND DEAR AND

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AS A VERY OLD AND DEAR AND RATHER ROTUND FRIEND LIKE MYSELF

AS A VERY OLD AND DEAR AND RATHER ROTUND FRIEND LIKE MYSELF USED TO SAY...

RATHER ROTUND FRIEND LIKE MYSELF USED TO SAY... "HOW SWEET IT IS."

USED TO SAY... "HOW SWEET IT IS." YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

"HOW SWEET IT IS." YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE BEEN BACK IN THIS

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE BEEN BACK IN THIS STUDIO... 37 YEARS TO BE EXACT.

SINCE I'VE BEEN BACK IN THIS STUDIO... 37 YEARS TO BE EXACT. THAT WAS BACK IN THE DAYS OF

STUDIO... 37 YEARS TO BE EXACT. THAT WAS BACK IN THE DAYS OF RADIO.

THAT WAS BACK IN THE DAYS OF RADIO. SOME GREAT RADIO SHOWS CAME OUT

RADIO. SOME GREAT RADIO SHOWS CAME OUT OF HERE, AND WHEN TELEVISION

SOME GREAT RADIO SHOWS CAME OUT OF HERE, AND WHEN TELEVISION CAME IN, GREAT TELEVISION, GREAT

OF HERE, AND WHEN TELEVISION CAME IN, GREAT TELEVISION, GREAT MUSIC.

CAME IN, GREAT TELEVISION, GREAT MUSIC. SEE, I WORKED FOR NBC 37 YEARS

MUSIC. SEE, I WORKED FOR NBC 37 YEARS AGO.

SEE, I WORKED FOR NBC 37 YEARS AGO. I WAS WORKING ON A PLAY OVER ON

AGO. I WAS WORKING ON A PLAY OVER ON BROADWAY...

I WAS WORKING ON A PLAY OVER ON BROADWAY... THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE...

BROADWAY... THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE... 45th STREET.

THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE... 45th STREET. AND IN THOSE DAYS, YOU DIDN'T

45th STREET. AND IN THOSE DAYS, YOU DIDN'T GET VERY MUCH BREAD.

AND IN THOSE DAYS, YOU DIDN'T GET VERY MUCH BREAD. YOU KIND OF HAD TO WORK FOR THE

GET VERY MUCH BREAD. YOU KIND OF HAD TO WORK FOR THE MINIMUM.

YOU KIND OF HAD TO WORK FOR THE MINIMUM. AND SO WE SUPPLEMENTED OUR

MINIMUM. AND SO WE SUPPLEMENTED OUR INCOME BY DOING A LOT OF RADIO,

AND SO WE SUPPLEMENTED OUR INCOME BY DOING A LOT OF RADIO, AND I HAD A SMALL PART IN

INCOME BY DOING A LOT OF RADIO, AND I HAD A SMALL PART IN A RADIO SERIES HERE, AND ONE

AND I HAD A SMALL PART IN A RADIO SERIES HERE, AND ONE DAY AFTER THE MATINEE, I CAME

A RADIO SERIES HERE, AND ONE DAY AFTER THE MATINEE, I CAME OUT OF THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE,

DAY AFTER THE MATINEE, I CAME OUT OF THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE, AND I HAD TO BE HERE AT NBC, BUT

OUT OF THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE, AND I HAD TO BE HERE AT NBC, BUT I COULDN'T FIND A TAXI.

AND I HAD TO BE HERE AT NBC, BUT I COULDN'T FIND A TAXI. SO I STARTED TO RUN.

I COULDN'T FIND A TAXI. SO I STARTED TO RUN. SO I HAD MY SCRIPT IN MY HAND,

SO I STARTED TO RUN. SO I HAD MY SCRIPT IN MY HAND, AND I RAN LIKE MAD.

SO I HAD MY SCRIPT IN MY HAND, AND I RAN LIKE MAD. I FLEW THROUGH SECURITY.

AND I RAN LIKE MAD. I FLEW THROUGH SECURITY. THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS.

I FLEW THROUGH SECURITY. THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS. I JUST WENT RIGHT BY THEM.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS. I JUST WENT RIGHT BY THEM. THEN I CAME UP TO THE THIRD

I JUST WENT RIGHT BY THEM. THEN I CAME UP TO THE THIRD FLOOR, AND I WENT INTO 3-B.

THEN I CAME UP TO THE THIRD FLOOR, AND I WENT INTO 3-B. I DIDN'T NOTICE THE LIGHT WAS

FLOOR, AND I WENT INTO 3-B. I DIDN'T NOTICE THE LIGHT WAS ON, SAYING "ON THE AIR."

I DIDN'T NOTICE THE LIGHT WAS ON, SAYING "ON THE AIR." I HAD MY SCRIPT IN MY HAND, AND

ON, SAYING "ON THE AIR." I HAD MY SCRIPT IN MY HAND, AND I WAVED IT TO THE PRODUCER IN

I HAD MY SCRIPT IN MY HAND, AND I WAVED IT TO THE PRODUCER IN THE CONTROL ROOM AND POINTED TO

I WAVED IT TO THE PRODUCER IN THE CONTROL ROOM AND POINTED TO IT.

THE CONTROL ROOM AND POINTED TO IT. HE CAME OUT AND SAID TO ME,

IT. HE CAME OUT AND SAID TO ME, "WRONG STUDIO.

HE CAME OUT AND SAID TO ME, "WRONG STUDIO. YOU'RE TWO DOWN THE HALL."

"WRONG STUDIO. YOU'RE TWO DOWN THE HALL." SO OUT I GO AGAIN.

YOU'RE TWO DOWN THE HALL." SO OUT I GO AGAIN. I SAW THE LIGHT... "ON THE AIR."

SO OUT I GO AGAIN. I SAW THE LIGHT... "ON THE AIR." WELL, I WALKED IN, SCRIPT IN MY

I SAW THE LIGHT... "ON THE AIR." WELL, I WALKED IN, SCRIPT IN MY HAND, AND POINTED, AND JUST AS I

WELL, I WALKED IN, SCRIPT IN MY HAND, AND POINTED, AND JUST AS I WAS WAVING TO THE PRODUCER TO

HAND, AND POINTED, AND JUST AS I WAS WAVING TO THE PRODUCER TO COME OUT, I HEARD SOMEBODY

WAS WAVING TO THE PRODUCER TO COME OUT, I HEARD SOMEBODY READING MY LINES.

COME OUT, I HEARD SOMEBODY READING MY LINES. SO THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO

READING MY LINES. SO THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO BUT SIT DOWN AND WAIT UNTIL THE

SO THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO BUT SIT DOWN AND WAIT UNTIL THE SHOW WAS OVER.

BUT SIT DOWN AND WAIT UNTIL THE SHOW WAS OVER. WELL, I WAITED.

SHOW WAS OVER. WELL, I WAITED. THE PRODUCER CAME OUT.

WELL, I WAITED. THE PRODUCER CAME OUT. I DIDN'T LIKE THE LOOK ON HIS

THE PRODUCER CAME OUT. I DIDN'T LIKE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE, BUT HE CAME OUT, AND I

I DIDN'T LIKE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE, BUT HE CAME OUT, AND I STARTED TO SAY, "I'M SOR..."

FACE, BUT HE CAME OUT, AND I STARTED TO SAY, "I'M SOR..." AND HE SAID, "YOU'RE FIRED."

STARTED TO SAY, "I'M SOR..." AND HE SAID, "YOU'RE FIRED." WELL, THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE

AND HE SAID, "YOU'RE FIRED." WELL, THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE FEELING.

WELL, THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE FEELING. BUT NOW I'M VERY HAPPY THAT

FEELING. BUT NOW I'M VERY HAPPY THAT AFTER 40 YEARS, NBC IS GIVING ME

BUT NOW I'M VERY HAPPY THAT AFTER 40 YEARS, NBC IS GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

AFTER 40 YEARS, NBC IS GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND PLEASE CROSS YOUR FINGERS AND HOPE I DON'T BLOW IT THIS TIME, HUH?

AND HOPE I DON'T BLOW IT THIS TIME, HUH? ALL RIGHT, NOW, I'LL TELL YOU

TIME, HUH? ALL RIGHT, NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I'M GONNA SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE

WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I'M GONNA SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE SHOW.

I'M GONNA SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE SHOW. AND WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT, TOO?

SHOW. AND WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT, TOO? ALL OF US, JUST ENJOY.

AND WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT, TOO? ALL OF US, JUST ENJOY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS YOU CAN SEE, DON MARCELLO, WE ARE IN AN EXTREMELY UNTENABLE BUSINESS SITUATION.

WE ARE IN AN EXTREMELY UNTENABLE BUSINESS SITUATION. OUR EXPANSION IN THESE AREAS

BUSINESS SITUATION. OUR EXPANSION IN THESE AREAS HERE IS UNDERGOING... WHAT SHALL

OUR EXPANSION IN THESE AREAS HERE IS UNDERGOING... WHAT SHALL I SAY? A-A TREND OF

HERE IS UNDERGOING... WHAT SHALL I SAY? A-A TREND OF RESISTANCE.

I SAY? A-A TREND OF RESISTANCE. OKAY, COME ON, COME ON.

RESISTANCE. OKAY, COME ON, COME ON. DON'T GIVE ME THIS IVY-LEAGUE

OKAY, COME ON, COME ON. DON'T GIVE ME THIS IVY-LEAGUE MUMBO JUMBO.

DON'T GIVE ME THIS IVY-LEAGUE MUMBO JUMBO. LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.

MUMBO JUMBO. LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. ALL I KNOW IS MY CONGLOMERATE

LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. ALL I KNOW IS MY CONGLOMERATE AIN'T CONGLOMERATING.

ALL I KNOW IS MY CONGLOMERATE AIN'T CONGLOMERATING. I'M LOSING MONEY, AND WHEN THAT

AIN'T CONGLOMERATING. I'M LOSING MONEY, AND WHEN THAT STARTS TO HAPPEN, I BEGIN TO

I'M LOSING MONEY, AND WHEN THAT STARTS TO HAPPEN, I BEGIN TO START REEVALUATING MY PERSONNEL.

STARTS TO HAPPEN, I BEGIN TO START REEVALUATING MY PERSONNEL. AND THAT MEANS IF MY ADVISORS

START REEVALUATING MY PERSONNEL. AND THAT MEANS IF MY ADVISORS DON'T START GIVING ME SOME SOUND

AND THAT MEANS IF MY ADVISORS DON'T START GIVING ME SOME SOUND ADVICE, THEIR NEXT PUBLIC

DON'T START GIVING ME SOME SOUND ADVICE, THEIR NEXT PUBLIC APPEARANCE WILL BE AT THE

ADVICE, THEIR NEXT PUBLIC APPEARANCE WILL BE AT THE SUPERMARKET AS SEVERAL BRIGHTLY

APPEARANCE WILL BE AT THE SUPERMARKET AS SEVERAL BRIGHTLY PACKAGED TWO-POUND ROLLS OF

SUPERMARKET AS SEVERAL BRIGHTLY PACKAGED TWO-POUND ROLLS OF PIMENTO LOAF.

PACKAGED TWO-POUND ROLLS OF PIMENTO LOAF. INDEED, WE DISCUSSED THAT

PIMENTO LOAF. INDEED, WE DISCUSSED THAT POSSIBILITY OVER BREAKFAST THIS

INDEED, WE DISCUSSED THAT POSSIBILITY OVER BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

POSSIBILITY OVER BREAKFAST THIS MORNING. YES, BUT WE HAVE A SPECIFIC

MORNING. YES, BUT WE HAVE A SPECIFIC RECOMMENDATION TO INCREASE

YES, BUT WE HAVE A SPECIFIC RECOMMENDATION TO INCREASE REVENUE.

RECOMMENDATION TO INCREASE REVENUE. YES, THE PROBLEM IS THIS,

REVENUE. YES, THE PROBLEM IS THIS, DON MARCELLO.

YES, THE PROBLEM IS THIS, DON MARCELLO. NOW, THE KIRSHNER FAMILY

DON MARCELLO. NOW, THE KIRSHNER FAMILY CONTROLS THE NUMBERS AND THE

NOW, THE KIRSHNER FAMILY CONTROLS THE NUMBERS AND THE PROSTITUTION HERE AND HERE.

CONTROLS THE NUMBERS AND THE PROSTITUTION HERE AND HERE. AND THE CORNELIUS FAMILY IS

PROSTITUTION HERE AND HERE. AND THE CORNELIUS FAMILY IS MOVING INTO THE DRUG-TRAFFIC IN

AND THE CORNELIUS FAMILY IS MOVING INTO THE DRUG-TRAFFIC IN SECTOR "B."

MOVING INTO THE DRUG-TRAFFIC IN SECTOR "B." SO AS LONG AS THE KIRSHNER

SECTOR "B." SO AS LONG AS THE KIRSHNER FAMILY AND THE CORNELIUS FAMILY

SO AS LONG AS THE KIRSHNER FAMILY AND THE CORNELIUS FAMILY ARE PHYSICAL ENTITIES, WE CANNOT

FAMILY AND THE CORNELIUS FAMILY ARE PHYSICAL ENTITIES, WE CANNOT EXPAND INTO THESE AREAS.

ARE PHYSICAL ENTITIES, WE CANNOT EXPAND INTO THESE AREAS. SO, WHAT IS YOUR

EXPAND INTO THESE AREAS. SO, WHAT IS YOUR RECOMMENDATION?

SO, WHAT IS YOUR RECOMMENDATION? WE RECOMMEND THAT YOU KILL AS

RECOMMENDATION? WE RECOMMEND THAT YOU KILL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE BOTH

WE RECOMMEND THAT YOU KILL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE BOTH DON CORNELIUS AND DON KIRSHNER.

SOON AS POSSIBLE BOTH DON CORNELIUS AND DON KIRSHNER. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOUNDS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL IDEA. HAVE YOU GOT A BUTTON MAN LINED UP TO DO THE JOB OR WHAT?

HAVE YOU GOT A BUTTON MAN LINED UP TO DO THE JOB OR WHAT? YES, WE DO.

UP TO DO THE JOB OR WHAT? YES, WE DO. WE WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO

YES, WE DO. WE WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO SECURE THE SERVICES OF THE BEST

WE WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO SECURE THE SERVICES OF THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS.

SECURE THE SERVICES OF THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS. WHERE IS HE?

IN THE BUSINESS. WHERE IS HE? HE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE

WHERE IS HE? HE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE OFFICE, SIR.

HE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE OFFICE, SIR. COULD YOU SEND IN THE

OFFICE, SIR. COULD YOU SEND IN THE GENTLEMAN THAT'S WAITING,

COULD YOU SEND IN THE GENTLEMAN THAT'S WAITING, PLEASE?

GENTLEMAN THAT'S WAITING, PLEASE? WHERE'S THIS GUY FROM,

PLEASE? WHERE'S THIS GUY FROM, ANYWAY?

WHERE'S THIS GUY FROM, ANYWAY? OUR NEW YORK MEN ARE TOO

ANYWAY? OUR NEW YORK MEN ARE TOO WELL-KNOWN FOR THIS, YOU KNOW.

OUR NEW YORK MEN ARE TOO WELL-KNOWN FOR THIS, YOU KNOW. NO, DON'T WORRY.

WELL-KNOWN FOR THIS, YOU KNOW. NO, DON'T WORRY. HE'S FROM OUT OF TOWN.

NO, DON'T WORRY. HE'S FROM OUT OF TOWN. YEAH.

HE'S FROM OUT OF TOWN. YEAH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER EPISODE OF... [GONG BANGS]

UH, DON MARCELLO, THIS IS THE BUTTON MAN WE HAVE HIRED FOR THE JOB.

THE BUTTON MAN WE HAVE HIRED FOR THE JOB. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

THE JOB. WHERE ARE YOU FROM? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHERE ARE YOU FROM? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] DETROIT, HUH?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] DETROIT, HUH? WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT

DETROIT, HUH? WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT.

WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT. WHO'S THE HEAD OF THE NUMBERS

THAT. WHO'S THE HEAD OF THE NUMBERS RACKET IN THE DOWNTOWN AREA

WHO'S THE HEAD OF THE NUMBERS RACKET IN THE DOWNTOWN AREA THERE NOW?

RACKET IN THE DOWNTOWN AREA THERE NOW? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THERE NOW? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OKAY.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OKAY. NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

OKAY. NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS. WHAT'S HIS BROTHER DOING NOW?

NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS. WHAT'S HIS BROTHER DOING NOW? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHAT'S HIS BROTHER DOING NOW? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [CHUCKLES] THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHUCKLES] THAT'S RIGHT. HE DOESN'T HAVE A BROTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT. HE DOESN'T HAVE A BROTHER. WHO WAS THE SHERIFF IN

HE DOESN'T HAVE A BROTHER. WHO WAS THE SHERIFF IN WAYNE COUNTY BETWEEN 1958 AND

WHO WAS THE SHERIFF IN WAYNE COUNTY BETWEEN 1958 AND 1963?

WAYNE COUNTY BETWEEN 1958 AND 1963? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

1963? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I DON'T KNOW, EITHER.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I DON'T KNOW, EITHER. HEY, THIS GUY'S GONNA BE

I DON'T KNOW, EITHER. HEY, THIS GUY'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

HEY, THIS GUY'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

ALL RIGHT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] ALL RIGHT.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] ALL RIGHT. OKAY, NOW, DO YOU GUYS HAVE THIS

ALL RIGHT. OKAY, NOW, DO YOU GUYS HAVE THIS HIT PLANNED OR WHAT?

OKAY, NOW, DO YOU GUYS HAVE THIS HIT PLANNED OR WHAT? YES, WE'VE TAKEN ALL FACTORS

HIT PLANNED OR WHAT? YES, WE'VE TAKEN ALL FACTORS INTO CONSIDERATION.

YES, WE'VE TAKEN ALL FACTORS INTO CONSIDERATION. NOW, WE KNOW THAT DON CORNELIUS

INTO CONSIDERATION. NOW, WE KNOW THAT DON CORNELIUS AND DON KIRSHNER ALWAYS EAT

NOW, WE KNOW THAT DON CORNELIUS AND DON KIRSHNER ALWAYS EAT LUNCH IN THE SAME RESTAURANT.

AND DON KIRSHNER ALWAYS EAT LUNCH IN THE SAME RESTAURANT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.

LUNCH IN THE SAME RESTAURANT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. I'M NOT GONNA SEND THIS GUY INTO

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. I'M NOT GONNA SEND THIS GUY INTO A RESTAURANT.

I'M NOT GONNA SEND THIS GUY INTO A RESTAURANT. HE'D STAND OUT LIKE

A RESTAURANT. HE'D STAND OUT LIKE A GREEN THUMB!

HE'D STAND OUT LIKE A GREEN THUMB! OH, NOT REALLY.

A GREEN THUMB! OH, NOT REALLY. THEY EAT AT BENIHANA'S...

OH, NOT REALLY. THEY EAT AT BENIHANA'S... A JAPANESE RESTAURANT ON THE

THEY EAT AT BENIHANA'S... A JAPANESE RESTAURANT ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE.

A JAPANESE RESTAURANT ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE. HE'LL FIT IN JUST FINE.

LOWER EAST SIDE. HE'LL FIT IN JUST FINE. OKAY, TELL ME SOMETHING.

HE'LL FIT IN JUST FINE. OKAY, TELL ME SOMETHING. JUST HOW IS THIS HIT GONNA GO

OKAY, TELL ME SOMETHING. JUST HOW IS THIS HIT GONNA GO DOWN?

JUST HOW IS THIS HIT GONNA GO DOWN? WE'VE ARRANGED IT SO THAT HE

DOWN? WE'VE ARRANGED IT SO THAT HE WILL PREPARE THE FOOD THAT

WE'VE ARRANGED IT SO THAT HE WILL PREPARE THE FOOD THAT DON CORNELIUS AND DON KIRSHNER

WILL PREPARE THE FOOD THAT DON CORNELIUS AND DON KIRSHNER WILL EAT.

DON CORNELIUS AND DON KIRSHNER WILL EAT. SHOW ME.

WILL EAT. SHOW ME. IF WE COULD JUST HAVE A

SHOW ME. IF WE COULD JUST HAVE A MINUTE FOR A BRIEF

IF WE COULD JUST HAVE A MINUTE FOR A BRIEF DEMONSTRATION.

MINUTE FOR A BRIEF DEMONSTRATION. YEAH, I GUESS SO.

DEMONSTRATION. YEAH, I GUESS SO. SO YOU COME OUT OF THAT

YEAH, I GUESS SO. SO YOU COME OUT OF THAT MOTOR CITY.

SO YOU COME OUT OF THAT MOTOR CITY. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MOTOR CITY. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] WHAT'S YOUR PRICE?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] WHAT'S YOUR PRICE? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHAT'S YOUR PRICE? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] FAIR ENOUGH.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] FAIR ENOUGH. OKAY, NOW, YOU REALIZE THAT

FAIR ENOUGH. OKAY, NOW, YOU REALIZE THAT ACCORDING TO TRADITION, YOU MUST

OKAY, NOW, YOU REALIZE THAT ACCORDING TO TRADITION, YOU MUST KISS BOTH OF THE VICTIMS.

ACCORDING TO TRADITION, YOU MUST KISS BOTH OF THE VICTIMS. MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH.

KISS BOTH OF THE VICTIMS. MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] PBHT! UGH!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] PBHT! UGH! UGH, UGH!

PBHT! UGH! UGH, UGH! THE KISS OF DEATH.

UGH, UGH! THE KISS OF DEATH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THE KISS OF DEATH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YOU DON'T GET THE JOB UNLESS

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YOU DON'T GET THE JOB UNLESS YOU KISS BOTH VICTIMS ON THE

YOU DON'T GET THE JOB UNLESS YOU KISS BOTH VICTIMS ON THE CHEEK.

YOU KISS BOTH VICTIMS ON THE CHEEK. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

CHEEK. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OKAY, HOLD IT, HOLD IT,

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OKAY, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

OKAY, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT. THAT POINT'S NEGOTIABLE.

HOLD IT. THAT POINT'S NEGOTIABLE. WHAT THE HELL'S ALL THIS?

THAT POINT'S NEGOTIABLE. WHAT THE HELL'S ALL THIS? THIS IS A SIMULATION OF THE

WHAT THE HELL'S ALL THIS? THIS IS A SIMULATION OF THE DINING AREA AT BENIHANA'S.

THIS IS A SIMULATION OF THE DINING AREA AT BENIHANA'S. NOW, THAT... THIS CABBAGE HERE

DINING AREA AT BENIHANA'S. NOW, THAT... THIS CABBAGE HERE IS DON KIRSHNER, AND THIS

NOW, THAT... THIS CABBAGE HERE IS DON KIRSHNER, AND THIS CABBAGE IS DON CORNELIUS.

IS DON KIRSHNER, AND THIS CABBAGE IS DON CORNELIUS. OKAY, PAL.

CABBAGE IS DON CORNELIUS. OKAY, PAL. SHOW ME YOUR STUFF.

OKAY, PAL. SHOW ME YOUR STUFF. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SIZZLING]

[APPLAUSE]

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU'RE GOING TO COOK THEIR LAST MEAL RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM?

YOU'RE GOING TO COOK THEIR LAST MEAL RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MEAL RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I'M GLAD TO KNOW YOU'RE NOT

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I'M GLAD TO KNOW YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME ON.

I'M GLAD TO KNOW YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME ON. UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH.

PUTTING ME ON. UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH. ALL RIGHT.

UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH. ALL RIGHT. NOW, ABOUT THAT KISS OF DEATH.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, ABOUT THAT KISS OF DEATH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

NOW, ABOUT THAT KISS OF DEATH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] IS IT WORTH $10,000 TO YOU?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] IS IT WORTH $10,000 TO YOU? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

IS IT WORTH $10,000 TO YOU? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] $12,500.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] $12,500. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

$12,500. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. HOLD IT, HOLD IT. $17,000 AND CARFARE BACK TO

HOLD IT, HOLD IT. $17,000 AND CARFARE BACK TO DETROIT.

$17,000 AND CARFARE BACK TO DETROIT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OKAY, PAL. YOU GOT A DEAL. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YOU GOT A DEAL. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF... [GONG BANGS]

FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF... [GONG BANGS] [APPLAUSE]

ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY, GARY WEIS AND MYSELF WENT WANDERING AROUND NEW YORK TO

GARY WEIS AND MYSELF WENT WANDERING AROUND NEW YORK TO VISIT SOME OF MY OLD HAUNTS AND

WANDERING AROUND NEW YORK TO VISIT SOME OF MY OLD HAUNTS AND HANGOUTS.

VISIT SOME OF MY OLD HAUNTS AND HANGOUTS. WELL, HERE'S THE FILM ON IT.

HANGOUTS. WELL, HERE'S THE FILM ON IT. I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.

WELL, HERE'S THE FILM ON IT. I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT. IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT. IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH. I WAS BORN AND BROUGHT UP AROUND

IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH. I WAS BORN AND BROUGHT UP AROUND THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WAS BORN AND BROUGHT UP AROUND THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. THOSE BUILDINGS WEREN'T THERE

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. THOSE BUILDINGS WEREN'T THERE WHEN I WAS A KID.

THOSE BUILDINGS WEREN'T THERE WHEN I WAS A KID. BUT THEM HOUSES, THAT'S WHERE I

WHEN I WAS A KID. BUT THEM HOUSES, THAT'S WHERE I WAS BORN.

BUT THEM HOUSES, THAT'S WHERE I WAS BORN. THERE USED TO BE A SALOON THERE,

WAS BORN. THERE USED TO BE A SALOON THERE, TOO.

THERE USED TO BE A SALOON THERE, TOO. AND THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE ON THE

TOO. AND THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE ON THE OTHER CORNER.

AND THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE ON THE OTHER CORNER. NO, IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH.

OTHER CORNER. NO, IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH. YOU STILL GOT THE SAME PLACE YOU

NO, IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH. YOU STILL GOT THE SAME PLACE YOU CAN GET YOUR VEGETABLES CHEAPER,

YOU STILL GOT THE SAME PLACE YOU CAN GET YOUR VEGETABLES CHEAPER, YOU CAN GET YOUR MEATS CHEAPER,

CAN GET YOUR VEGETABLES CHEAPER, YOU CAN GET YOUR MEATS CHEAPER, AND YOU CAN GET YOUR BRAINS BEAT

YOU CAN GET YOUR MEATS CHEAPER, AND YOU CAN GET YOUR BRAINS BEAT OUT QUICKER IN HELL'S KITCHEN

AND YOU CAN GET YOUR BRAINS BEAT OUT QUICKER IN HELL'S KITCHEN THAN ANY PLACE I KNOW IN

OUT QUICKER IN HELL'S KITCHEN THAN ANY PLACE I KNOW IN NEW YORK.

THAN ANY PLACE I KNOW IN NEW YORK. YOU'RE OUT OF FOCUS, DEAR.

NEW YORK. YOU'RE OUT OF FOCUS, DEAR. I'M WALKING THIS WAY.

YOU'RE OUT OF FOCUS, DEAR. I'M WALKING THIS WAY. BRODERICK CRAWFORD DRIVES UP...

I'M WALKING THIS WAY. BRODERICK CRAWFORD DRIVES UP... TERRIBLE.

BRODERICK CRAWFORD DRIVES UP... TERRIBLE. OH, BOY... A LONG TIME.

TERRIBLE. OH, BOY... A LONG TIME. NO, NO.

OH, BOY... A LONG TIME. NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME HOW OLD YOU

NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME HOW OLD YOU ARE.

DON'T TELL ME HOW OLD YOU ARE. I WAS AN INFANT.

ARE. I WAS AN INFANT. WHEN YOU SAW ME?

I WAS AN INFANT. WHEN YOU SAW ME? YEAH.

WHEN YOU SAW ME? YEAH. THAT MAKES ME 95.

YEAH. THAT MAKES ME 95. [LAUGHTER]

THAT MAKES ME 95. [LAUGHTER] YEAH, IT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL.

[LAUGHTER] YEAH, IT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL. BUT IT SEEMS CENTRAL PARK HAS

YEAH, IT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL. BUT IT SEEMS CENTRAL PARK HAS CHANGED SINCE I'VE BEEN A KID.

BUT IT SEEMS CENTRAL PARK HAS CHANGED SINCE I'VE BEEN A KID. WHEN I WAS KID, WE USED TO ASK

CHANGED SINCE I'VE BEEN A KID. WHEN I WAS KID, WE USED TO ASK OUR MOTHERS, "GIVE US A BLANKET.

WHEN I WAS KID, WE USED TO ASK OUR MOTHERS, "GIVE US A BLANKET. WE WANT TO SLEEP IN THE PARK

OUR MOTHERS, "GIVE US A BLANKET. WE WANT TO SLEEP IN THE PARK TONIGHT."

WE WANT TO SLEEP IN THE PARK TONIGHT." SO WE'D COME OUT HERE AND SLEEP.

TONIGHT." SO WE'D COME OUT HERE AND SLEEP. IN THE MORNING, THE SUN WOULD

SO WE'D COME OUT HERE AND SLEEP. IN THE MORNING, THE SUN WOULD WAKE US UP OR THE COPS WOULD

IN THE MORNING, THE SUN WOULD WAKE US UP OR THE COPS WOULD WAKE US UP.

WAKE US UP OR THE COPS WOULD WAKE US UP. THEY DIDN'T HUSTLE US.

WAKE US UP. THEY DIDN'T HUSTLE US. THEY SAID, "COME ON, GET UP, AND

THEY DIDN'T HUSTLE US. THEY SAID, "COME ON, GET UP, AND GET OUT."

THEY SAID, "COME ON, GET UP, AND GET OUT." SO WE'D FLIP A COIN AND DECIDE

GET OUT." SO WE'D FLIP A COIN AND DECIDE WHAT RIVER WE WERE GONNA SWIM

SO WE'D FLIP A COIN AND DECIDE WHAT RIVER WE WERE GONNA SWIM IN.

WHAT RIVER WE WERE GONNA SWIM IN. BUT RIGHT NOW, I WOULDN'T COME

IN. BUT RIGHT NOW, I WOULDN'T COME INTO CENTRAL PARK IN THIS YEAR

BUT RIGHT NOW, I WOULDN'T COME INTO CENTRAL PARK IN THIS YEAR OF '77 AFTER SUNDOWN.

INTO CENTRAL PARK IN THIS YEAR OF '77 AFTER SUNDOWN. AND PLUS THE FACT, WHAT'S THE

OF '77 AFTER SUNDOWN. AND PLUS THE FACT, WHAT'S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET KILLED?

AND PLUS THE FACT, WHAT'S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET KILLED? 'CAUSE IF YOU JUMP IN ANY ONE

EASIEST WAY TO GET KILLED? 'CAUSE IF YOU JUMP IN ANY ONE OF THE RIVERS, THE POLLUTION

'CAUSE IF YOU JUMP IN ANY ONE OF THE RIVERS, THE POLLUTION WILL KILL YOU.

OF THE RIVERS, THE POLLUTION WILL KILL YOU. BUT IT WAS A HELL OF A PLACE

WILL KILL YOU. BUT IT WAS A HELL OF A PLACE WHEN I WAS A KID.

BUT IT WAS A HELL OF A PLACE WHEN I WAS A KID. AND IT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL, AND I

WHEN I WAS A KID. AND IT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL, AND I HOPE SOMEDAY IT GETS BACK TO IT.

AND IT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL, AND I HOPE SOMEDAY IT GETS BACK TO IT. BEAUTIFUL SKYLINE, HUH?

HOPE SOMEDAY IT GETS BACK TO IT. BEAUTIFUL SKYLINE, HUH? [ALARM BLARING]

BEAUTIFUL SKYLINE, HUH? [ALARM BLARING] OH, YOU.

[ALARM BLARING] OH, YOU. BRODERICK CRAWFORD!

OH, YOU. BRODERICK CRAWFORD! BRODERICK CRAWFORD... RIGHT.

BRODERICK CRAWFORD! BRODERICK CRAWFORD... RIGHT. HELLO, MISTER-R-R-R!

BRODERICK CRAWFORD... RIGHT. HELLO, MISTER-R-R-R! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A

HELLO, MISTER-R-R-R! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A BALLOON LIKE THIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A BALLOON LIKE THIS? TAKE A PICTURE OF

BALLOON LIKE THIS? TAKE A PICTURE OF BRODERICK CRAWFORD.

TAKE A PICTURE OF BRODERICK CRAWFORD. MISSISSIPPI!

BRODERICK CRAWFORD. MISSISSIPPI! YAY!

MISSISSIPPI! YAY! ARE THE CAMERAS ROLLING?

YAY! ARE THE CAMERAS ROLLING? HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

ARE THE CAMERAS ROLLING? HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? COME ON.

HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? COME ON. OHH!

COME ON. OHH! YEAH!

OHH! YEAH! BOY, I'M NOTHING BUT A

YEAH! BOY, I'M NOTHING BUT A GROWN-UP DEAD-END KID.

BOY, I'M NOTHING BUT A GROWN-UP DEAD-END KID. I REMEMBER YEARS AGO...

GROWN-UP DEAD-END KID. I REMEMBER YEARS AGO... LOOK AT IT NOW...

I REMEMBER YEARS AGO... LOOK AT IT NOW... MORGAN GUARANTY.

LOOK AT IT NOW... MORGAN GUARANTY. IT USED TO BE A HOTEL.

MORGAN GUARANTY. IT USED TO BE A HOTEL. I LIVED IN THERE.

IT USED TO BE A HOTEL. I LIVED IN THERE. IT WAS WONDERFUL.

I LIVED IN THERE. IT WAS WONDERFUL. I COULD CHARGE THINGS.

IT WAS WONDERFUL. I COULD CHARGE THINGS. I COULD GET AWAY WITH MURDER.

I COULD CHARGE THINGS. I COULD GET AWAY WITH MURDER. AND IT WAS A WONDERFUL PLACE TO

I COULD GET AWAY WITH MURDER. AND IT WAS A WONDERFUL PLACE TO STAY, AND AROUND THE CORNER,

AND IT WAS A WONDERFUL PLACE TO STAY, AND AROUND THE CORNER, AFTER THE SHOWS WERE CLOSED, IT

STAY, AND AROUND THE CORNER, AFTER THE SHOWS WERE CLOSED, IT HAD TO BE 2:00 OR 3:00 IN THE

AFTER THE SHOWS WERE CLOSED, IT HAD TO BE 2:00 OR 3:00 IN THE MORNING, WE USED TO GO TO A

HAD TO BE 2:00 OR 3:00 IN THE MORNING, WE USED TO GO TO A PLACE CALLED RUBENS JUST AROUND

MORNING, WE USED TO GO TO A PLACE CALLED RUBENS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

PLACE CALLED RUBENS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. AND IT'S FUNNY.

THE CORNER. AND IT'S FUNNY. WHEN YOU WALKED IN THERE, IF YOU

AND IT'S FUNNY. WHEN YOU WALKED IN THERE, IF YOU WERE AN ACTOR OR A NEWSPAPERMAN

WHEN YOU WALKED IN THERE, IF YOU WERE AN ACTOR OR A NEWSPAPERMAN OR ANYTHING ELSE LIKE THIS, THEY

WERE AN ACTOR OR A NEWSPAPERMAN OR ANYTHING ELSE LIKE THIS, THEY WOULD BRING YOU A POT OF TEA AT

OR ANYTHING ELSE LIKE THIS, THEY WOULD BRING YOU A POT OF TEA AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, AND USUALLY

WOULD BRING YOU A POT OF TEA AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, AND USUALLY IT WAS SCOTCH BECAUSE THE BARS

3:00 IN THE MORNING, AND USUALLY IT WAS SCOTCH BECAUSE THE BARS WERE CLOSED... OR BOURBON.

IT WAS SCOTCH BECAUSE THE BARS WERE CLOSED... OR BOURBON. ONCE IN A WHILE, IT TURNED OUT

WERE CLOSED... OR BOURBON. ONCE IN A WHILE, IT TURNED OUT TO BE WHITE TEA IF YOU WERE

ONCE IN A WHILE, IT TURNED OUT TO BE WHITE TEA IF YOU WERE DRINKING GIN.

TO BE WHITE TEA IF YOU WERE DRINKING GIN. BUT THEY ALWAYS DID IT FOR YOU.

DRINKING GIN. BUT THEY ALWAYS DID IT FOR YOU. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

BUT THEY ALWAYS DID IT FOR YOU. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE. WE'RE HELPING A FELLOW ON

COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE. WE'RE HELPING A FELLOW ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY WITH

WE'RE HELPING A FELLOW ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY WITH HANDCUFFS.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY WITH HANDCUFFS. [LAUGHTER]

HANDCUFFS. [LAUGHTER] WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR A JOB

[LAUGHTER] WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR A JOB AROUND THIS TOWN AND WHATNOT, I

WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR A JOB AROUND THIS TOWN AND WHATNOT, I WOULD COME IN SHINE THIS AND

AROUND THIS TOWN AND WHATNOT, I WOULD COME IN SHINE THIS AND SHINE THAT.

WOULD COME IN SHINE THIS AND SHINE THAT. YOUR DAD SAID TO ME,

SHINE THAT. YOUR DAD SAID TO ME, "KEEP SHINING, KEEP SHINING.

YOUR DAD SAID TO ME, "KEEP SHINING, KEEP SHINING. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE OKAY

"KEEP SHINING, KEEP SHINING. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE OKAY HERE AND YOU GOT A CREDIT HERE."

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE OKAY HERE AND YOU GOT A CREDIT HERE." FINALLY MY CREDIT RAN TO

HERE AND YOU GOT A CREDIT HERE." FINALLY MY CREDIT RAN TO 100-AND-SOME-ODD DOLLARS, AND

FINALLY MY CREDIT RAN TO 100-AND-SOME-ODD DOLLARS, AND FINALLY I GOT A JOB, AND YOUR

100-AND-SOME-ODD DOLLARS, AND FINALLY I GOT A JOB, AND YOUR FATHER SAID TO ME, "FROM NOW ON,

FINALLY I GOT A JOB, AND YOUR FATHER SAID TO ME, "FROM NOW ON, I'LL TAKE OVER."

FATHER SAID TO ME, "FROM NOW ON, I'LL TAKE OVER." HE WENT TO

I'LL TAKE OVER." HE WENT TO THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE, PICKED UP

HE WENT TO THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE, PICKED UP MY CHECK, TOOK $20 OUT FOR

THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE, PICKED UP MY CHECK, TOOK $20 OUT FOR HIMSELF, ENOUGH FOR MY HOTEL

MY CHECK, TOOK $20 OUT FOR HIMSELF, ENOUGH FOR MY HOTEL ROOM AND RENT, AND ENOUGH FOR MY

HIMSELF, ENOUGH FOR MY HOTEL ROOM AND RENT, AND ENOUGH FOR MY POCKET.

ROOM AND RENT, AND ENOUGH FOR MY POCKET. HE WAS YOUR BANKER.

POCKET. HE WAS YOUR BANKER. HE WAS MY BANKER.

HE WAS YOUR BANKER. HE WAS MY BANKER. HEY, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG

HE WAS MY BANKER. HEY, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG TIME.

HEY, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG TIME. HOW ARE YOU, MR. CRAWFORD?

TIME. HOW ARE YOU, MR. CRAWFORD? GOOD, AND YOU?

HOW ARE YOU, MR. CRAWFORD? GOOD, AND YOU? FINE, THANK YOU.

GOOD, AND YOU? FINE, THANK YOU. IS BUSINESS STILL GOOD HERE?

FINE, THANK YOU. IS BUSINESS STILL GOOD HERE? TERRIFIC, DOING GREAT.

IS BUSINESS STILL GOOD HERE? TERRIFIC, DOING GREAT. YOU GOT ANY BIG TIPPERS OR

TERRIFIC, DOING GREAT. YOU GOT ANY BIG TIPPERS OR SMALL TIPPERS IN HERE?

YOU GOT ANY BIG TIPPERS OR SMALL TIPPERS IN HERE? GOT A LOT OF WALKOUTS.

SMALL TIPPERS IN HERE? GOT A LOT OF WALKOUTS. SMALL?

GOT A LOT OF WALKOUTS. SMALL? SMALL ONES AND BIG ONES.

SMALL? SMALL ONES AND BIG ONES. I'LL MOVE IN AND TRY AND

SMALL ONES AND BIG ONES. I'LL MOVE IN AND TRY AND IMPROVE IT.

I'LL MOVE IN AND TRY AND IMPROVE IT. GOOD SEEING YOU.

IMPROVE IT. GOOD SEEING YOU. GOD BLESS.

GOOD SEEING YOU. GOD BLESS. MAY I SHAKE YOUR HAND?

GOD BLESS. MAY I SHAKE YOUR HAND? OF COURSE YOU MAY.

MAY I SHAKE YOUR HAND? OF COURSE YOU MAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OF COURSE YOU MAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [LAUGHS]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [LAUGHS] I LOVE NEW YORK.

[LAUGHS] I LOVE NEW YORK. I DON'T KNOW.

I LOVE NEW YORK. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A NUTHOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A NUTHOUSE. HEY, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG

IT'S A NUTHOUSE. HEY, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG TIME.

HEY, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG TIME. [APPLAUSE]

[MID-TEMPO POP MUSIC PLAYS] HEY, WHY DO THESE PEOPLE LOOK SO GOOD?

HEY, WHY DO THESE PEOPLE LOOK SO GOOD? BECAUSE THEY'RE WEARING THE

SO GOOD? BECAUSE THEY'RE WEARING THE FINEST-QUALITY LEATHER COATS AND

BECAUSE THEY'RE WEARING THE FINEST-QUALITY LEATHER COATS AND ACCESSORIES.

FINEST-QUALITY LEATHER COATS AND ACCESSORIES. LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL LEATHER

ACCESSORIES. LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL LEATHER COAT... A SMOOTH, THICK GRAIN OF

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL LEATHER COAT... A SMOOTH, THICK GRAIN OF COWHIDE FOR ONLY $20.

COAT... A SMOOTH, THICK GRAIN OF COWHIDE FOR ONLY $20. $20?

COWHIDE FOR ONLY $20. $20? WHY SUCH QUALITY FOR SUCH A LOW

$20? WHY SUCH QUALITY FOR SUCH A LOW PRICE?

WHY SUCH QUALITY FOR SUCH A LOW PRICE? WHY?

PRICE? WHY? BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE BUY THEIR

WHY? BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE BUY THEIR SUEDE AND LEATHER AT

BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE BUY THEIR SUEDE AND LEATHER AT MEL'S HIDE HEAVEN, WHERE YOU

SUEDE AND LEATHER AT MEL'S HIDE HEAVEN, WHERE YOU SELECT YOUR OWN COW, THEN YOU

MEL'S HIDE HEAVEN, WHERE YOU SELECT YOUR OWN COW, THEN YOU ROPE IT, YOU STUN IT, YOU SKIN

SELECT YOUR OWN COW, THEN YOU ROPE IT, YOU STUN IT, YOU SKIN IT!

ROPE IT, YOU STUN IT, YOU SKIN IT! YOU SELECT YOUR OWN COW FROM

IT! YOU SELECT YOUR OWN COW FROM OVER 900 HEAD IN MEL'S 40-ACRE,

YOU SELECT YOUR OWN COW FROM OVER 900 HEAD IN MEL'S 40-ACRE, FULLY AIR-CONDITIONED INDOOR

OVER 900 HEAD IN MEL'S 40-ACRE, FULLY AIR-CONDITIONED INDOOR CATTLE RANGE.

FULLY AIR-CONDITIONED INDOOR CATTLE RANGE. THEN YOU ROPE, YOU STUN, YOU

CATTLE RANGE. THEN YOU ROPE, YOU STUN, YOU SKIN, WE TAN AND TAILOR THE

THEN YOU ROPE, YOU STUN, YOU SKIN, WE TAN AND TAILOR THE HIDES.

SKIN, WE TAN AND TAILOR THE HIDES. ALL OUR EQUIPMENT IS LIGHT AND

HIDES. ALL OUR EQUIPMENT IS LIGHT AND EASY TO OPERATE.

ALL OUR EQUIPMENT IS LIGHT AND EASY TO OPERATE. HERE'S MRS. MEL TO SHOW YOU HOW

EASY TO OPERATE. HERE'S MRS. MEL TO SHOW YOU HOW TO WORK THE SAWS.

HERE'S MRS. MEL TO SHOW YOU HOW TO WORK THE SAWS. [MOTOR WHIRRING]

YEAH.

SHE'S GOT HER LEATHER.

YOU GET YOURS AT

MEL'S HIDE HEAVEN, ROUTE 15,

PARAMUS, OFF EXIT 21.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE RCO ALL-STARS, FEATURING DR. JOHN, LEVON HELM, AND

THE RCO ALL-STARS, FEATURING DR. JOHN, LEVON HELM, AND PAUL BUTTERFIELD.

DR. JOHN, LEVON HELM, AND PAUL BUTTERFIELD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PAUL BUTTERFIELD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "SING, SING, SING" PLAYS]

♪ THE WORLD WE KNOW ♪ ♪ WITH ITS OWN SKILL ♪ ♪ THAT ALONE DON'T COUNT ♪

♪ WITH ITS OWN SKILL ♪ ♪ THAT ALONE DON'T COUNT ♪ ♪ WITHOUT THIS SWEAT ♪

♪ THAT ALONE DON'T COUNT ♪ ♪ WITHOUT THIS SWEAT ♪ ♪ AND TOIL OF MINE ♪

♪ WITHOUT THIS SWEAT ♪ ♪ AND TOIL OF MINE ♪ ♪ IT WOULDN'T BE WORTH A DIME ♪

♪ AND TOIL OF MINE ♪ ♪ IT WOULDN'T BE WORTH A DIME ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO LIVE AND GIVE ♪

♪ IT WOULDN'T BE WORTH A DIME ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO LIVE AND GIVE ♪ ♪ SHARE AND CARE ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO LIVE AND GIVE ♪ ♪ SHARE AND CARE ♪ ♪ REALLY PUT SOME LOVE IN

♪ SHARE AND CARE ♪ ♪ REALLY PUT SOME LOVE IN THE AIR ♪

♪ REALLY PUT SOME LOVE IN THE AIR ♪ ♪ WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOWN ♪

THE AIR ♪ ♪ WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOWN ♪ ♪ JUST LIFT HIM UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOWN ♪ ♪ JUST LIFT HIM UP ♪ ♪ NOBODY CAN LIVE IN DESPAIR ♪

♪ JUST LIFT HIM UP ♪ ♪ NOBODY CAN LIVE IN DESPAIR ♪ ♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING,

♪ NOBODY CAN LIVE IN DESPAIR ♪ ♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪

♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING,

SING, SING ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪

♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S ALL PITCH IN ♪

SING ♪ ♪ LET'S ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪

♪ LET'S ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪ ♪ MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE

♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪ ♪ MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪

♪ MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪ ♪ SING, SING, SING ♪

IN ♪ ♪ SING, SING, SING ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S SING ♪

♪ SING, SING, SING ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S SING ♪ ♪ ...SING, SING ♪

♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S SING ♪ ♪ ...SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST ALL PITCH IN ♪

♪ ...SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET'S MAKE A FRIEND ♪

♪ LET'S JUST ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET'S MAKE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE

♪ LET'S MAKE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪

♪ MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪ BLOW YOUR HEART, BUDDY.

IN ♪ BLOW YOUR HEART, BUDDY. [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ SOCIETY, YOU HAVE NO PRIORITY ♪ ♪ WE'RE ALL ONE PART OF

PRIORITY ♪ ♪ WE'RE ALL ONE PART OF A WHOLE ♪

♪ WE'RE ALL ONE PART OF A WHOLE ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE PEOPLE SHOUT ♪

A WHOLE ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE PEOPLE SHOUT ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HEAR THEM OUT ♪

♪ AND WHEN THE PEOPLE SHOUT ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HEAR THEM OUT ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY IS A BEAUTIFUL

♪ YOU GOT TO HEAR THEM OUT ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY IS A BEAUTIFUL SOUL ♪

♪ EVERYBODY IS A BEAUTIFUL SOUL ♪ ♪ WE GOT TO PULL TOGETHER ♪

SOUL ♪ ♪ WE GOT TO PULL TOGETHER ♪ ♪ WORK HAND IN HAND ♪

♪ WE GOT TO PULL TOGETHER ♪ ♪ WORK HAND IN HAND ♪ ♪ REALLY GOT TO DO OUR BEST... ♪

♪ WORK HAND IN HAND ♪ ♪ REALLY GOT TO DO OUR BEST... ♪ ♪ ...KNOW THE FIRST FROM

♪ REALLY GOT TO DO OUR BEST... ♪ ♪ ...KNOW THE FIRST FROM THE LAST ♪

♪ ...KNOW THE FIRST FROM THE LAST ♪ ♪ KNOW THE GRASS FROM

THE LAST ♪ ♪ KNOW THE GRASS FROM THE WHEAT ♪

♪ KNOW THE GRASS FROM THE WHEAT ♪ ♪ KNOW THE FLOWER FROM

THE WHEAT ♪ ♪ KNOW THE FLOWER FROM THE SEED ♪

♪ KNOW THE FLOWER FROM THE SEED ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S TIME ♪

THE SEED ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S TIME ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ NOW IT'S TIME ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING,

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪

♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST SING ♪

SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST SING ♪ ♪ ...SING, SING ♪

♪ LET'S JUST SING ♪ ♪ ...SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S ALL PITCH IN ♪

♪ ...SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪

♪ LET'S ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪ ♪ MAKE UP A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE

♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪ ♪ MAKE UP A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪

♪ MAKE UP A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪ ♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING,

IN ♪ ♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪

♪ NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S SING, SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST SING ♪

SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST SING ♪ ♪ ...SING, SING ♪

♪ LET'S JUST SING ♪ ♪ ...SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST ALL PITCH IN ♪

♪ ...SING, SING ♪ ♪ LET'S JUST ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪

♪ LET'S JUST ALL PITCH IN ♪ ♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪ ♪ AND MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO

♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪ ♪ AND MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪

♪ AND MAKE A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN ♪ [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S JUST SING, SING, SING ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, I'M BILL MURRAY. YOU CAN CALL ME BILLY, BUT AROUND HERE, EVERYBODY JUST

YOU CAN CALL ME BILLY, BUT AROUND HERE, EVERYBODY JUST CALLS ME THE NEW GUY.

AROUND HERE, EVERYBODY JUST CALLS ME THE NEW GUY. I WANT TO THANK THE PRODUCER

CALLS ME THE NEW GUY. I WANT TO THANK THE PRODUCER LORNE MICHAELS FOR URGING ME TO

I WANT TO THANK THE PRODUCER LORNE MICHAELS FOR URGING ME TO SPEAK WITH YOU DIRECTLY.

LORNE MICHAELS FOR URGING ME TO SPEAK WITH YOU DIRECTLY. YOU SEE, I'M A LITTLE BIT

SPEAK WITH YOU DIRECTLY. YOU SEE, I'M A LITTLE BIT CONCERNED.

YOU SEE, I'M A LITTLE BIT CONCERNED. I DON'T THINK I'M MAKING IT ON

CONCERNED. I DON'T THINK I'M MAKING IT ON THE SHOW.

I DON'T THINK I'M MAKING IT ON THE SHOW. I'M A FUNNY GUY, BUT I HAVEN'T

THE SHOW. I'M A FUNNY GUY, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN SO FUNNY ON THE SHOW.

I'M A FUNNY GUY, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN SO FUNNY ON THE SHOW. MY FRIENDS SAY, "HOW COME

BEEN SO FUNNY ON THE SHOW. MY FRIENDS SAY, "HOW COME THEY'RE GIVING YOU ALL THOSE

MY FRIENDS SAY, "HOW COME THEY'RE GIVING YOU ALL THOSE PARTS THAT AREN'T FUNNY?"

THEY'RE GIVING YOU ALL THOSE PARTS THAT AREN'T FUNNY?" WELL, IT'S NOT THE MATERIAL,

PARTS THAT AREN'T FUNNY?" WELL, IT'S NOT THE MATERIAL, IT'S ME.

WELL, IT'S NOT THE MATERIAL, IT'S ME. IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT FUNNY.

IT'S ME. IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT FUNNY. IT'S THAT I'M NOT BEING FUNNY AT

IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT FUNNY. IT'S THAT I'M NOT BEING FUNNY AT THE RIGHT TIME.

IT'S THAT I'M NOT BEING FUNNY AT THE RIGHT TIME. HONEST.

THE RIGHT TIME. HONEST. BEFORE, YOU KNOW, I COULD BE

HONEST. BEFORE, YOU KNOW, I COULD BE FUNNY WHENEVER I WANTED.

BEFORE, YOU KNOW, I COULD BE FUNNY WHENEVER I WANTED. BUT NOW, AS A PROFESSIONAL, I

FUNNY WHENEVER I WANTED. BUT NOW, AS A PROFESSIONAL, I HAVE TO LEARN TO PICK MY SPOTS,

BUT NOW, AS A PROFESSIONAL, I HAVE TO LEARN TO PICK MY SPOTS, YOU KNOW.

HAVE TO LEARN TO PICK MY SPOTS, YOU KNOW. THIS MORNING I PICKED UP MY

YOU KNOW. THIS MORNING I PICKED UP MY LAUNDRY.

THIS MORNING I PICKED UP MY LAUNDRY. THEY GUY SAYS TO ME, "BILL,

LAUNDRY. THEY GUY SAYS TO ME, "BILL, YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU COME IN

THEY GUY SAYS TO ME, "BILL, YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU COME IN HERE, YOU SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU COME IN HERE, YOU SAY SOMETHING FUNNY. BUT I SAW YOU ON THE SHOW

HERE, YOU SAY SOMETHING FUNNY. BUT I SAW YOU ON THE SHOW 'SATURDAY NIGHT, ' AND YOU

BUT I SAW YOU ON THE SHOW 'SATURDAY NIGHT, ' AND YOU STUNK."

'SATURDAY NIGHT, ' AND YOU STUNK." WELL, THAT HURT, YOU KNOW?

STUNK." WELL, THAT HURT, YOU KNOW? YEAH, IT JUST TOTALLY DESTROYED

WELL, THAT HURT, YOU KNOW? YEAH, IT JUST TOTALLY DESTROYED MY CONFIDENCE.

YEAH, IT JUST TOTALLY DESTROYED MY CONFIDENCE. LAST FRIDAY I WENT TO A PARTY

MY CONFIDENCE. LAST FRIDAY I WENT TO A PARTY WITH DANNY.

LAST FRIDAY I WENT TO A PARTY WITH DANNY. THERE WAS A PRETTY GIRL THERE I

WITH DANNY. THERE WAS A PRETTY GIRL THERE I WANTED TO IMPRESS, AND I'M A

THERE WAS A PRETTY GIRL THERE I WANTED TO IMPRESS, AND I'M A PARTY ANIMAL.

WANTED TO IMPRESS, AND I'M A PARTY ANIMAL. I WAS VERY FUNNY.

PARTY ANIMAL. I WAS VERY FUNNY. DANNY SAID NOTHING.

I WAS VERY FUNNY. DANNY SAID NOTHING. HE WAS SAVING IT.

DANNY SAID NOTHING. HE WAS SAVING IT. SHE SAID TO ME, "YOU'RE SO

HE WAS SAVING IT. SHE SAID TO ME, "YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

SHE SAID TO ME, "YOU'RE SO FUNNY. I WISH I HAD A TAPE RECORDER."

FUNNY. I WISH I HAD A TAPE RECORDER." WELL, I WISH SHE HAD, TOO,

I WISH I HAD A TAPE RECORDER." WELL, I WISH SHE HAD, TOO, YOU KNOW?

WELL, I WISH SHE HAD, TOO, YOU KNOW? SATURDAY NIGHT AFTER THE SHOW,

YOU KNOW? SATURDAY NIGHT AFTER THE SHOW, WHEN SHE WENT HOME WITH DAN, I

SATURDAY NIGHT AFTER THE SHOW, WHEN SHE WENT HOME WITH DAN, I COULD HAVE PLAYED THE TAPE BACK

WHEN SHE WENT HOME WITH DAN, I COULD HAVE PLAYED THE TAPE BACK FOR HER.

COULD HAVE PLAYED THE TAPE BACK FOR HER. NOW, WHAT I'M ASKING FOR IS YOUR

FOR HER. NOW, WHAT I'M ASKING FOR IS YOUR SUPPORT.

NOW, WHAT I'M ASKING FOR IS YOUR SUPPORT. I'VE GOTTEN SOME NICE LETTERS

SUPPORT. I'VE GOTTEN SOME NICE LETTERS FROM OLD FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I

I'VE GOTTEN SOME NICE LETTERS FROM OLD FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I OWE MONEY TO, BUT FROM YOU

FROM OLD FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I OWE MONEY TO, BUT FROM YOU PEOPLE, I HEAR NOTHING.

OWE MONEY TO, BUT FROM YOU PEOPLE, I HEAR NOTHING. I'M NOT ASKING FOR LETTERS,

PEOPLE, I HEAR NOTHING. I'M NOT ASKING FOR LETTERS, BUT... I KNOW THIS SOUNDS

I'M NOT ASKING FOR LETTERS, BUT... I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CORNY... SUPPORT.

BUT... I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CORNY... SUPPORT. I'M A CATHOLIC.

CORNY... SUPPORT. I'M A CATHOLIC. [LAUGHTER]

I'M A CATHOLIC. [LAUGHTER] I'M ONE OF NINE CHILDREN...

[LAUGHTER] I'M ONE OF NINE CHILDREN... ED, BRIAN, NANCY, PEGGY, LAURA,

I'M ONE OF NINE CHILDREN... ED, BRIAN, NANCY, PEGGY, LAURA, ANDY, JOHN, AND JOEL.

ED, BRIAN, NANCY, PEGGY, LAURA, ANDY, JOHN, AND JOEL. I CAN SAY THAT FASTER, BUT I

ANDY, JOHN, AND JOEL. I CAN SAY THAT FASTER, BUT I WANTED THEM ALL TO HEAR THEIR

I CAN SAY THAT FASTER, BUT I WANTED THEM ALL TO HEAR THEIR NAMES.

WANTED THEM ALL TO HEAR THEIR NAMES. I WAS RAISED IN WILMETTE,

NAMES. I WAS RAISED IN WILMETTE, ILLINOIS... A SMALL MINING TOWN

I WAS RAISED IN WILMETTE, ILLINOIS... A SMALL MINING TOWN NORTH OF CHICAGO.

ILLINOIS... A SMALL MINING TOWN NORTH OF CHICAGO. THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING

NORTH OF CHICAGO. THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING FUNNY.

THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING FUNNY. MY FATHER DIED WHEN I WAS 17.

FUNNY. MY FATHER DIED WHEN I WAS 17. [LAUGHTER]

MY FATHER DIED WHEN I WAS 17. [LAUGHTER] NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT WAS FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER] NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT WAS FUNNY. HE WAS FUNNY.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT WAS FUNNY. HE WAS FUNNY. PEOPLE ALWAYS SAID TO ME,

HE WAS FUNNY. PEOPLE ALWAYS SAID TO ME, "OH, YOU'LL NEVER GROW UP TO BE

PEOPLE ALWAYS SAID TO ME, "OH, YOU'LL NEVER GROW UP TO BE AS FUNNY AS YOUR DAD."

"OH, YOU'LL NEVER GROW UP TO BE AS FUNNY AS YOUR DAD." AND NOW HE'S NOT AROUND TO SEE

AS FUNNY AS YOUR DAD." AND NOW HE'S NOT AROUND TO SEE ME BE NOT AS FUNNY AS HIM.

AND NOW HE'S NOT AROUND TO SEE ME BE NOT AS FUNNY AS HIM. MY SISTER NANCY IS A NUN.

ME BE NOT AS FUNNY AS HIM. MY SISTER NANCY IS A NUN. MY MOM WORKS TO SUPPORT THE

MY SISTER NANCY IS A NUN. MY MOM WORKS TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY.

MY MOM WORKS TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY. BUT THAT'S ALL BESIDE THE POINT.

FAMILY. BUT THAT'S ALL BESIDE THE POINT. IT'S NO CONCERN OF YOURS WHETHER

BUT THAT'S ALL BESIDE THE POINT. IT'S NO CONCERN OF YOURS WHETHER OR NOT THEY NEED THE MONEY I

IT'S NO CONCERN OF YOURS WHETHER OR NOT THEY NEED THE MONEY I MAKE.

OR NOT THEY NEED THE MONEY I MAKE. WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IS

MAKE. WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME. IF YOU COULD SEE IT IN YOUR

BETWEEN YOU AND ME. IF YOU COULD SEE IT IN YOUR HEART TO LAUGH WHENEVER I SAY

IF YOU COULD SEE IT IN YOUR HEART TO LAUGH WHENEVER I SAY SOMETHING... I DON'T CARE WHAT

HEART TO LAUGH WHENEVER I SAY SOMETHING... I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS... OR IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH,

SOMETHING... I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS... OR IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH, THINK ABOUT MY FAMILY AND THE

IT IS... OR IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH, THINK ABOUT MY FAMILY AND THE FATHER THAT I NEVER REALLY GOT

THINK ABOUT MY FAMILY AND THE FATHER THAT I NEVER REALLY GOT TO KNOW.

FATHER THAT I NEVER REALLY GOT TO KNOW. IF I KNOW YOU'RE ON MY SIDE,

TO KNOW. IF I KNOW YOU'RE ON MY SIDE, I'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH SO HARD,

IF I KNOW YOU'RE ON MY SIDE, I'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH SO HARD, YOU'LL HAVE TO HOLD YOUR SIDES

I'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH SO HARD, YOU'LL HAVE TO HOLD YOUR SIDES TO KEEP FROM PULLING A MUSCLE OR

YOU'LL HAVE TO HOLD YOUR SIDES TO KEEP FROM PULLING A MUSCLE OR TEARING A CARTILAGE.

TO KEEP FROM PULLING A MUSCLE OR TEARING A CARTILAGE. IT'S UP TO YOU... YEAH, YOU.

TEARING A CARTILAGE. IT'S UP TO YOU... YEAH, YOU. NOW, I DON'T WANT LETTERS.

IT'S UP TO YOU... YEAH, YOU. NOW, I DON'T WANT LETTERS. I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT AS A

NOW, I DON'T WANT LETTERS. I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT AS A NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT AS A NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER. AND WHEN THAT'S DONE, I'LL BE

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER. AND WHEN THAT'S DONE, I'LL BE ABLE TO STAND HERE ON A

AND WHEN THAT'S DONE, I'LL BE ABLE TO STAND HERE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF

ABLE TO STAND HERE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ROCKEFELLER PLAZA,

SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ROCKEFELLER PLAZA, NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK,

ROCKEFELLER PLAZA, NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK, 10020...

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK, 10020... [LAUGHTER]

10020... [LAUGHTER] AND SAY, "DAD, I DID IT."

[LAUGHTER] AND SAY, "DAD, I DID IT." HE'D LIKE THAT.

AND SAY, "DAD, I DID IT." HE'D LIKE THAT. [APPLAUSE]

WELL, MRS. RICARDO, THIS IS YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

THIS IS YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JOB. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] DON'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] DON'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM.

DON'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. THIS IS A CONVEYOR BELT.

YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. THIS IS A CONVEYOR BELT. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM.

THIS IS A CONVEYOR BELT. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. I'M NOW GOING TO PULL THE

YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. I'M NOW GOING TO PULL THE LEVER THAT STARTS THE

I'M NOW GOING TO PULL THE LEVER THAT STARTS THE CONVEYOR BELT.

LEVER THAT STARTS THE CONVEYOR BELT. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM.

CONVEYOR BELT. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. NOW, THIS, MRS. RICARDO, IS A

YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. NOW, THIS, MRS. RICARDO, IS A NUCLEAR WARHEAD.

NOW, THIS, MRS. RICARDO, IS A NUCLEAR WARHEAD. [LAUGHTER]

NUCLEAR WARHEAD. [LAUGHTER] YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE A CAN OF

[LAUGHTER] YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM...

YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM... SPRAY THE NUCLEAR WARHEAD LIKE

WHIPPED CREAM... SPRAY THE NUCLEAR WARHEAD LIKE SO...

SPRAY THE NUCLEAR WARHEAD LIKE SO... PUT A CHERRY ON THE TOP OF THE

SO... PUT A CHERRY ON THE TOP OF THE NUCLEAR WARHEAD, AND PLACE IT ON

PUT A CHERRY ON THE TOP OF THE NUCLEAR WARHEAD, AND PLACE IT ON THIS SHELF LIKE SO.

NUCLEAR WARHEAD, AND PLACE IT ON THIS SHELF LIKE SO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND SO FAR?

THIS SHELF LIKE SO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND SO FAR? YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND SO FAR? YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. NOW, IF FOR ANY REASON AT ALL

YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. NOW, IF FOR ANY REASON AT ALL YOU WANT TO STOP THE

NOW, IF FOR ANY REASON AT ALL YOU WANT TO STOP THE CONVEYOR BELT, SIMPLY PULL THIS

YOU WANT TO STOP THE CONVEYOR BELT, SIMPLY PULL THIS LEVER DOWN INTO THE "OFF"

CONVEYOR BELT, SIMPLY PULL THIS LEVER DOWN INTO THE "OFF" POSITION.

LEVER DOWN INTO THE "OFF" POSITION. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM.

POSITION. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. AND ONE MORE THING.

YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. AND ONE MORE THING. THESE NUCLEAR WARHEADS ARE ARMED

AND ONE MORE THING. THESE NUCLEAR WARHEADS ARE ARMED AND VERY DANGEROUS.

THESE NUCLEAR WARHEADS ARE ARMED AND VERY DANGEROUS. SO DON'T LET ANY OF THEM HIT THE

AND VERY DANGEROUS. SO DON'T LET ANY OF THEM HIT THE FLOOR.

SO DON'T LET ANY OF THEM HIT THE FLOOR. IS THAT CLEAR?

FLOOR. IS THAT CLEAR? YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM.

IS THAT CLEAR? YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. ALL RIGHT, THEN, GET TO WORK.

YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. ALL RIGHT, THEN, GET TO WORK. I'LL CHECK BACK IN A FEW HOURS

ALL RIGHT, THEN, GET TO WORK. I'LL CHECK BACK IN A FEW HOURS TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.

I'LL CHECK BACK IN A FEW HOURS TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM.

TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING. YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. THANK YOU, MR. WITHERBOT...

YES, MR. WITHERBOTTOM. THANK YOU, MR. WITHERBOT... THANK YOU, MRS. RICARDO.

THANK YOU, MR. WITHERBOT... THANK YOU, MRS. RICARDO. GOODBYE, MR. WITHER... BOTTOM.

[METAL LEVER RATTLES]

WELL, MRS. RICARDO, HOW ARE WE DOING? AAH!

WHAT DO WE DO NOW, MR. WITHERBOTTOM? NOW WE GET SOME CANNED GOODS

MR. WITHERBOTTOM? NOW WE GET SOME CANNED GOODS AND WE GO LIVE IN THE BASEMENT

NOW WE GET SOME CANNED GOODS AND WE GO LIVE IN THE BASEMENT FOR 10 OR 15 YEARS.

AND WE GO LIVE IN THE BASEMENT FOR 10 OR 15 YEARS. [WAILING]

FOR 10 OR 15 YEARS. [WAILING] [APPLAUSE]

[WAILING] [APPLAUSE] MR. WITHERBOTTOM...

[APPLAUSE] MR. WITHERBOTTOM... DOES THAT MEAN I'M FIRED?

MR. WITHERBOTTOM... DOES THAT MEAN I'M FIRED? NO, MRS. RICARDO.

DOES THAT MEAN I'M FIRED? NO, MRS. RICARDO. ANYBODY CAN MAKE A MISTAKE.

NO, MRS. RICARDO. ANYBODY CAN MAKE A MISTAKE. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING. I'M WEARING BLACK MESH

GOOD EVENING. I'M WEARING BLACK MESH STOCKINGS...

I'M WEARING BLACK MESH STOCKINGS... AND STUDDED LEATHER BOOTS WITH

STOCKINGS... AND STUDDED LEATHER BOOTS WITH 8-INCH SPIKED HEELS AND A GARTER

AND STUDDED LEATHER BOOTS WITH 8-INCH SPIKED HEELS AND A GARTER BELT.

8-INCH SPIKED HEELS AND A GARTER BELT. [WOLF WHISTLE]

BELT. [WOLF WHISTLE] OF COURSE, YOU'VE ALL SEEN MY

[WOLF WHISTLE] OF COURSE, YOU'VE ALL SEEN MY BRA.

OF COURSE, YOU'VE ALL SEEN MY BRA. BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT MY PANTIES

BRA. BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT MY PANTIES FOR ONE SECOND, SHALL WE?

BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT MY PANTIES FOR ONE SECOND, SHALL WE? THEY'RE MESH.

FOR ONE SECOND, SHALL WE? THEY'RE MESH. BLACK-MESH STRING BIKINIS.

THEY'RE MESH. BLACK-MESH STRING BIKINIS. I LOVE THEM.

BLACK-MESH STRING BIKINIS. I LOVE THEM. YOU WOULD, TOO.

I LOVE THEM. YOU WOULD, TOO. I WISH I HAD THEM ON RIGHT NOW.

YOU WOULD, TOO. I WISH I HAD THEM ON RIGHT NOW. THEY'RE IN MY LAUNDRY BASKET...

I WISH I HAD THEM ON RIGHT NOW. THEY'RE IN MY LAUNDRY BASKET... AT HOME.

THEY'RE IN MY LAUNDRY BASKET... AT HOME. THEREFORE, UNDER THIS SUIT...

AT HOME. THEREFORE, UNDER THIS SUIT... YOU GET THE PICTURE.

THEREFORE, UNDER THIS SUIT... YOU GET THE PICTURE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

YOU GET THE PICTURE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... 19-MONTH-OLD JASON CARTER,

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... 19-MONTH-OLD JASON CARTER, GRANDSON OF THE PRESIDENT, WAS

19-MONTH-OLD JASON CARTER, GRANDSON OF THE PRESIDENT, WAS BUSTED TODAY BY WASHINGTON

GRANDSON OF THE PRESIDENT, WAS BUSTED TODAY BY WASHINGTON POLICE, LOCKED UP, AND CHARGED

BUSTED TODAY BY WASHINGTON POLICE, LOCKED UP, AND CHARGED WITH LEAKING CLASSIFIED MATERIAL

POLICE, LOCKED UP, AND CHARGED WITH LEAKING CLASSIFIED MATERIAL ON THE WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN.

WITH LEAKING CLASSIFIED MATERIAL ON THE WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN. YOUNG CARTER FACES UP TO 20

ON THE WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN. YOUNG CARTER FACES UP TO 20 YEARS OF TOILET TRAINING AT A

YOUNG CARTER FACES UP TO 20 YEARS OF TOILET TRAINING AT A FEDERAL INSTITUTION.

YEARS OF TOILET TRAINING AT A FEDERAL INSTITUTION. FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER LAST

FEDERAL INSTITUTION. FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER LAST FRIDAY FORMALLY UNVEILED THE NEW

FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER LAST FRIDAY FORMALLY UNVEILED THE NEW OFFICIAL PORTRAIT OF THE

FRIDAY FORMALLY UNVEILED THE NEW OFFICIAL PORTRAIT OF THE PRESIDENT, PAINTED ON COMMISSION

OFFICIAL PORTRAIT OF THE PRESIDENT, PAINTED ON COMMISSION BY ARTIST WILLEM de KOONING.

PRESIDENT, PAINTED ON COMMISSION BY ARTIST WILLEM de KOONING. AND IN A HEARTWARMING GESTURE OF

BY ARTIST WILLEM de KOONING. AND IN A HEARTWARMING GESTURE OF SHOW BUSINESS, COMEDIAN BOB HOPE

AND IN A HEARTWARMING GESTURE OF SHOW BUSINESS, COMEDIAN BOB HOPE HAS DONATED HIS BRAIN TO

SHOW BUSINESS, COMEDIAN BOB HOPE HAS DONATED HIS BRAIN TO LUCILLE BALL.

HAS DONATED HIS BRAIN TO LUCILLE BALL. POSING FOR THIS PICTURE, JUST

LUCILLE BALL. POSING FOR THIS PICTURE, JUST AFTER THE TRANSPLANT OPERATION,

POSING FOR THIS PICTURE, JUST AFTER THE TRANSPLANT OPERATION, LUCY SAID, "I FEEL MUCH FUNNIER

AFTER THE TRANSPLANT OPERATION, LUCY SAID, "I FEEL MUCH FUNNIER ALREADY."

LUCY SAID, "I FEEL MUCH FUNNIER ALREADY." MR. HOPE SAID NOTHING.

ALREADY." MR. HOPE SAID NOTHING. AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE"

MR. HOPE SAID NOTHING. AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" REPORTER GARRETT MORRIS REPORTS

AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" REPORTER GARRETT MORRIS REPORTS ON THE BLACK GOVERNOR CONFERENCE

REPORTER GARRETT MORRIS REPORTS ON THE BLACK GOVERNOR CONFERENCE BEING HELD AT THE

ON THE BLACK GOVERNOR CONFERENCE BEING HELD AT THE AMERICANA HOTEL IN NEW YORK.

BEING HELD AT THE AMERICANA HOTEL IN NEW YORK. COME IN, GARRETT.

AMERICANA HOTEL IN NEW YORK. COME IN, GARRETT. THIS IS THE SECOND DAY OF THE

COME IN, GARRETT. THIS IS THE SECOND DAY OF THE THIRD ANNUAL BLACK GOVERNORS'

THIS IS THE SECOND DAY OF THE THIRD ANNUAL BLACK GOVERNORS' CONFERENCE.

THE EXPECTED SHOWDOWN BETWEEN

THE CONSERVATIVE AND LIBERAL

BLACK GOVERNORS HAS NOT

MATERIALIZED BECAUSE OF THE FACT

THAT, FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A

ROW, NO ONE HAS SHOWN UP.

NOW, I'M TOLD THAT THIS IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT THERE ARE NO BLACK GOVERNORS IN THE

TO THE FACT THAT THERE ARE NO BLACK GOVERNORS IN THE UNITED STATES.

BLACK GOVERNORS IN THE UNITED STATES. YOU COULDN'T FIND A BLACK

UNITED STATES. YOU COULDN'T FIND A BLACK GOVERNOR IN THE UNITED STATES IF

YOU COULDN'T FIND A BLACK GOVERNOR IN THE UNITED STATES IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

GOVERNOR IN THE UNITED STATES IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. I MEAN, I THOUGHT THIS WAS

MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. I MEAN, I THOUGHT THIS WAS LARAINE NEWMAN'S THING... YOU

I MEAN, I THOUGHT THIS WAS LARAINE NEWMAN'S THING... YOU KNOW, UH, JANE, SHOWING UP WHEN

LARAINE NEWMAN'S THING... YOU KNOW, UH, JANE, SHOWING UP WHEN NOTHING'S HAPPENING?

KNOW, UH, JANE, SHOWING UP WHEN NOTHING'S HAPPENING? JUST BECAUSE I'M BLACK DOESN'T

NOTHING'S HAPPENING? JUST BECAUSE I'M BLACK DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PULL THAT STUFF ON

JUST BECAUSE I'M BLACK DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PULL THAT STUFF ON ME, TOO.

MEAN YOU CAN PULL THAT STUFF ON ME, TOO. YOU KNOW, I GOT FRIENDS.

ME, TOO. YOU KNOW, I GOT FRIENDS. I'LL GET ALEX HALEY TO CANCEL

YOU KNOW, I GOT FRIENDS. I'LL GET ALEX HALEY TO CANCEL YOUR "ROOTS"...

I'LL GET ALEX HALEY TO CANCEL YOUR "ROOTS"... HONKY.

YOUR "ROOTS"... HONKY. THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS AT THE

HONKY. THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS AT THE AMERICANA HOTEL, SIGNING OFF.

THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS AT THE AMERICANA HOTEL, SIGNING OFF. THANK YOU, GARRETT.

AMERICANA HOTEL, SIGNING OFF. THANK YOU, GARRETT. WE ALL WONDERED WHEN YOU'D CATCH

THANK YOU, GARRETT. WE ALL WONDERED WHEN YOU'D CATCH ON TO OUR LITTLE JOKE.

WE ALL WONDERED WHEN YOU'D CATCH ON TO OUR LITTLE JOKE. HAVE FUN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE

ON TO OUR LITTLE JOKE. HAVE FUN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE SEND YOU TO THE

HAVE FUN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE SEND YOU TO THE CONFERENCE ON BLACK POPES.

SEND YOU TO THE CONFERENCE ON BLACK POPES. SOURCES IN HOLLYWOOD SAY THAT

CONFERENCE ON BLACK POPES. SOURCES IN HOLLYWOOD SAY THAT FILM DIRECTOR ROMAN POLANSKI HAS

SOURCES IN HOLLYWOOD SAY THAT FILM DIRECTOR ROMAN POLANSKI HAS ANNOUNCED HE'S QUITTING THE

FILM DIRECTOR ROMAN POLANSKI HAS ANNOUNCED HE'S QUITTING THE MOVIE BUSINESS AND WILL OPEN A

ANNOUNCED HE'S QUITTING THE MOVIE BUSINESS AND WILL OPEN A BABYSITTING SERVICE.

MOVIE BUSINESS AND WILL OPEN A BABYSITTING SERVICE. IN A SURPRISE MOVE THIS WEEK,

BABYSITTING SERVICE. IN A SURPRISE MOVE THIS WEEK, IDI AMIN STEPPED DOWN AS

IN A SURPRISE MOVE THIS WEEK, IDI AMIN STEPPED DOWN AS PRESIDENT OF UGANDA TO FULFILL A

IDI AMIN STEPPED DOWN AS PRESIDENT OF UGANDA TO FULFILL A DREAM HE'S HAD SINCE

PRESIDENT OF UGANDA TO FULFILL A DREAM HE'S HAD SINCE CHILDHOOD... THAT IS,

DREAM HE'S HAD SINCE CHILDHOOD... THAT IS, BECOME A MEMBER OF THE

CHILDHOOD... THAT IS, BECOME A MEMBER OF THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.

BECOME A MEMBER OF THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS. [WHISTLE AND BONES PLAY

HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS. [WHISTLE AND BONES PLAY "SWEET GEORGIA BROWN"]

[WHISTLE AND BONES PLAY "SWEET GEORGIA BROWN"] HEY, MAN, WHO'S THAT CAT

["SWEET GEORGIA BROWN"] HEY, MAN, WHO'S THAT CAT COMING DOWN THE STREET?

HEY, MAN, WHO'S THAT CAT COMING DOWN THE STREET? I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SOUND TO

COMING DOWN THE STREET? I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SOUND TO ME LIKE THAT WHISTLING MAN WITH

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SOUND TO ME LIKE THAT WHISTLING MAN WITH THE BONES.

ME LIKE THAT WHISTLING MAN WITH THE BONES. SURE HAS HIMSELF A BALL.

THE BONES. SURE HAS HIMSELF A BALL. [MUSIC CONTINUES]

MORE ON MEADOWLARK AMIN AS THE SEASON PROGRESSES. WELL, THE MOVIE "EARTHQUAKE"

THE SEASON PROGRESSES. WELL, THE MOVIE "EARTHQUAKE" OPENED IN MALAYSIA THIS WEEK.

WELL, THE MOVIE "EARTHQUAKE" OPENED IN MALAYSIA THIS WEEK. UNFORTUNATELY, A CARELESS

OPENED IN MALAYSIA THIS WEEK. UNFORTUNATELY, A CARELESS PROJECTIONIST TURNED UP THE

UNFORTUNATELY, A CARELESS PROJECTIONIST TURNED UP THE SENSURROUND A BIT TOO MUCH,

PROJECTIONIST TURNED UP THE SENSURROUND A BIT TOO MUCH, KILLING THOUSANDS AND LEAVING

SENSURROUND A BIT TOO MUCH, KILLING THOUSANDS AND LEAVING UNTOLD MILLIONS HOMELESS.

KILLING THOUSANDS AND LEAVING UNTOLD MILLIONS HOMELESS. STILL TO COME, BEEKEEPERS HOLD

UNTOLD MILLIONS HOMELESS. STILL TO COME, BEEKEEPERS HOLD BLACK MAN HOSTAGE, AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME, BEEKEEPERS HOLD BLACK MAN HOSTAGE, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

BLACK MAN HOSTAGE, AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [APPLAUSE]

MESSAGE. [APPLAUSE] "CANINE"... DOUBLE-WORD

[APPLAUSE] "CANINE"... DOUBLE-WORD SCORE, 21 POINTS.

"CANINE"... DOUBLE-WORD SCORE, 21 POINTS. GOOD.

SCORE, 21 POINTS. GOOD. "CANINE."

GOOD. "CANINE." GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND

"CANINE." GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND LISTLESS LATELY.

GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND LISTLESS LATELY. I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG

LISTLESS LATELY. I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG WITH HIM.

I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG WITH HIM. MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE

WITH HIM. MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE LIKE THAT UNTIL I FOUND OUT

MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE LIKE THAT UNTIL I FOUND OUT ABOUT PUPPY UPPERS.

PUPPY UPPERS PEP UP YOUR POOCH.

PLUS, THEY HELP CONTROL HIS

WEIGHT.

PUPPY UPPERS.

MIND IF I TRY ONE?

GO RIGHT AHEAD. HMM. SPARKY.

HMM. SPARKY. [SPARKY BARKS]

SPARKY. [SPARKY BARKS] "BONE"... TRIPLE-WORD SCORE, 25

[SPARKY BARKS] "BONE"... TRIPLE-WORD SCORE, 25 POINTS.

"BONE"... TRIPLE-WORD SCORE, 25 POINTS. VERY GOOD.

POINTS. VERY GOOD. [SPARKY BARKING]

VERY GOOD. [SPARKY BARKING] OKAY, OKAY, SPARKY.

[SPARKY BARKING] OKAY, OKAY, SPARKY. HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER.

OKAY, OKAY, SPARKY. HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER. [SPARKY WHIMPERING]

HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER. [SPARKY WHIMPERING] MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I THINK

[SPARKY WHIMPERING] MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A LITTLE TOO

MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

SPARKY'S PERKED UP A LITTLE TOO MUCH. NO ARGUMENT THERE, JOY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY SKIPPY GETS

A LITTLE TOO FRISKY, I GIVE HIM

THESE... DOGGIE DOWNERS.

"DOGGIE DOWNERS. MELLOWS OUT YOUR MUTT." MIND IF I TRY ONE?

MELLOWS OUT YOUR MUTT." MIND IF I TRY ONE? GO RIGHT AHEAD.

MIND IF I TRY ONE? GO RIGHT AHEAD. HMM.

GO RIGHT AHEAD. HMM. [SPARKY WHINING]

HMM. [SPARKY WHINING] [THUD]

[SPARKY WHINING] [THUD] THAT'S PUPPY UPPERS, FOR WHEN

[THUD] THAT'S PUPPY UPPERS, FOR WHEN YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS.

THAT'S PUPPY UPPERS, FOR WHEN YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS. AND DOGGIE DOWNERS, FOR WHEN

YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS. AND DOGGIE DOWNERS, FOR WHEN YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS.

AND DOGGIE DOWNERS, FOR WHEN YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS. FROM HOUND-DOZE.

THIS JUST IN. IN BROOKLYN, A MAN WALKS INTO A PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, SAYS,

IN BROOKLYN, A MAN WALKS INTO A PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, SAYS, "DOCTOR, DOCTOR, NO ONE WILL

PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, SAYS, "DOCTOR, DOCTOR, NO ONE WILL TALK TO ME."

"DOCTOR, DOCTOR, NO ONE WILL TALK TO ME." THE DOCTOR SAYS, "NEXT."

TALK TO ME." THE DOCTOR SAYS, "NEXT." OH, THAT NEW WRITER IS JUST

THE DOCTOR SAYS, "NEXT." OH, THAT NEW WRITER IS JUST TERRIFIC.

OH, THAT NEW WRITER IS JUST TERRIFIC. [LAUGHS]

TERRIFIC. [LAUGHS] AND NOW, BECAUSE OF

[LAUGHS] AND NOW, BECAUSE OF ST. PATRICK'S DAY,

AND NOW, BECAUSE OF ST. PATRICK'S DAY, MR. JOHN BELUSHI IS HERE TO

ST. PATRICK'S DAY, MR. JOHN BELUSHI IS HERE TO DISCUSS THE LUCK OF THE IRISH.

MR. JOHN BELUSHI IS HERE TO DISCUSS THE LUCK OF THE IRISH. THANK YOU.

DISCUSS THE LUCK OF THE IRISH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JANE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JANE. WELL, IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JANE. WELL, IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN. ST. PATRICK'S DAY HAS COME AND

WELL, IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN. ST. PATRICK'S DAY HAS COME AND GONE, AND, WELL, THE SONS OF

ST. PATRICK'S DAY HAS COME AND GONE, AND, WELL, THE SONS OF IRELAND ARE BASKING IN THE GLOW.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I THINK OF

IRELAND, I THINK OF A LOT OF

COLORFUL IRISH EXPRESSIONS LIKE,

"TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA,"

"KISS THE BLARNEY STONE," "MAY

THE ROAD RISE TO MEET YA, " " MAY

YOU BE IN HEAVEN AN HOUR BEFORE

THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD,"

"I'D LIKE TO SMASH YOU IN THE

FACE WITH MY SHILLELAGH,"

"DANNY BOY," "BEGORRA," "WAIL

OF THE BANSHEE, " AND " WHISKEY

FOR THE LEPRECHAUNS, WHISKEY FOR

THE LEPRECHAUNS."

BUT THE EXPRESSION I THINK MOST PEOPLE IDENTIFY WITH THE IRISH, IS, OF COURSE, "THE LUCK OF THE

PEOPLE IDENTIFY WITH THE IRISH, IS, OF COURSE, "THE LUCK OF THE IRISH."

IS, OF COURSE, "THE LUCK OF THE IRISH." "LUCK OF THE IRISH."

IRISH." "LUCK OF THE IRISH." SURE.

"LUCK OF THE IRISH." SURE. SAY YOU'RE IN A PUB SOMEWHERE IN

SURE. SAY YOU'RE IN A PUB SOMEWHERE IN IRELAND... OH, ANYWHERE IN

SAY YOU'RE IN A PUB SOMEWHERE IN IRELAND... OH, ANYWHERE IN IRELAND.

IRELAND... OH, ANYWHERE IN IRELAND. SOME GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND

IRELAND. SOME GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND SAYS, "HEY, IS THAT A BOMB I

SOME GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND SAYS, "HEY, IS THAT A BOMB I HEAR TICKING?"

SAYS, "HEY, IS THAT A BOMB I HEAR TICKING?" THEN BAM!!

HEAR TICKING?" THEN BAM!! YOUR SMALL INTESTINES ARE ON THE

THEN BAM!! YOUR SMALL INTESTINES ARE ON THE CEILING, AND YOUR BRAINS ARE ON

YOUR SMALL INTESTINES ARE ON THE CEILING, AND YOUR BRAINS ARE ON YOUR CAR ACROSS THE STREET.

CEILING, AND YOUR BRAINS ARE ON YOUR CAR ACROSS THE STREET. [CHUCKLES]

YOUR CAR ACROSS THE STREET. [CHUCKLES] THAT'S THE LUCK OF THE IRISH FOR

[CHUCKLES] THAT'S THE LUCK OF THE IRISH FOR YOU.

THAT'S THE LUCK OF THE IRISH FOR YOU. LOOK, WHO'S KIDDING WHO, OKAY?

YOU. LOOK, WHO'S KIDDING WHO, OKAY? LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BAD LUCK OF

LOOK, WHO'S KIDDING WHO, OKAY? LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BAD LUCK OF THE IRISH, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BAD LUCK OF THE IRISH, ALL RIGHT? HOW ABOUT THIS?

THE IRISH, ALL RIGHT? HOW ABOUT THIS? POTATO FAMINE!! [CHUCKLES]

HOW ABOUT THIS? POTATO FAMINE!! [CHUCKLES] HOW ABOUT THAT?

POTATO FAMINE!! [CHUCKLES] HOW ABOUT THAT? IT SCARES THEM, DOESN'T IT?

HOW ABOUT THAT? IT SCARES THEM, DOESN'T IT? WELL, IT SHOULD.

IT SCARES THEM, DOESN'T IT? WELL, IT SHOULD. THAT'S WHY THEY CAME HERE IN THE

WELL, IT SHOULD. THAT'S WHY THEY CAME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE... SO THEY WOULDN'T

THAT'S WHY THEY CAME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE... SO THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK IN THE POTATO

FIRST PLACE... SO THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK IN THE POTATO FIELDS.

HAVE TO WORK IN THE POTATO FIELDS. THAT'S WHY THEY BECAME

FIELDS. THAT'S WHY THEY BECAME POLITICIANS, PRIESTS, AND COPS.

THAT'S WHY THEY BECAME POLITICIANS, PRIESTS, AND COPS. LUCK? GIVE ME A BREAK.

POLITICIANS, PRIESTS, AND COPS. LUCK? GIVE ME A BREAK. I GOT A FRIEND.

LUCK? GIVE ME A BREAK. I GOT A FRIEND. HIS NAME IS DAN SULLIVAN.

I GOT A FRIEND. HIS NAME IS DAN SULLIVAN. JOHN, GET TO THE POINT.

HIS NAME IS DAN SULLIVAN. JOHN, GET TO THE POINT. HE'S IRISH AS THEY COME.

JOHN, GET TO THE POINT. HE'S IRISH AS THEY COME. WE USED TO DRINK TOGETHER A LOT.

HE'S IRISH AS THEY COME. WE USED TO DRINK TOGETHER A LOT. AFTER TWO DRINKS, HE WOULD LOOK

WE USED TO DRINK TOGETHER A LOT. AFTER TWO DRINKS, HE WOULD LOOK LIKE AN IRISH PIRATE, YOU KNOW.

AFTER TWO DRINKS, HE WOULD LOOK LIKE AN IRISH PIRATE, YOU KNOW. YOU THINK HE HAD LUCK?

LIKE AN IRISH PIRATE, YOU KNOW. YOU THINK HE HAD LUCK? IN ONE DAY, HE GOT HIS CAR

YOU THINK HE HAD LUCK? IN ONE DAY, HE GOT HIS CAR STOLEN, AND THE STUPID... HE HAD

IN ONE DAY, HE GOT HIS CAR STOLEN, AND THE STUPID... HE HAD NO INSURANCE AND NO LICENSE, AND

STOLEN, AND THE STUPID... HE HAD NO INSURANCE AND NO LICENSE, AND THEN HE GETS LOCKED UP FOR BEING

NO INSURANCE AND NO LICENSE, AND THEN HE GETS LOCKED UP FOR BEING DRUNK.

THEN HE GETS LOCKED UP FOR BEING DRUNK. OKAY? SO, AFTER THAT, HE TAKES

DRUNK. OKAY? SO, AFTER THAT, HE TAKES OFF FOR SOMEPLACE LIKE INDIA OR

OKAY? SO, AFTER THAT, HE TAKES OFF FOR SOMEPLACE LIKE INDIA OR NEPAL OR SOMEPLACE LIKE THAT.

OFF FOR SOMEPLACE LIKE INDIA OR NEPAL OR SOMEPLACE LIKE THAT. AND HIS MOTHER DIES, YOU KNOW,

NEPAL OR SOMEPLACE LIKE THAT. AND HIS MOTHER DIES, YOU KNOW, SO THEY WIRE HIM AND TELL HIM TO

AND HIS MOTHER DIES, YOU KNOW, SO THEY WIRE HIM AND TELL HIM TO COME TO THE FUNERAL.

SO THEY WIRE HIM AND TELL HIM TO COME TO THE FUNERAL. YOU KNOW, HIS MOTHER'S FUNERAL.

COME TO THE FUNERAL. YOU KNOW, HIS MOTHER'S FUNERAL. JOHN, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE...

YOU KNOW, HIS MOTHER'S FUNERAL. JOHN, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE... ONE SECOND, WAIT.

JOHN, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE... ONE SECOND, WAIT. AND HE'S IN INDIA OR NEPAL,

ONE SECOND, WAIT. AND HE'S IN INDIA OR NEPAL, SITTING SQUAT-LEGGED LISTENING

AND HE'S IN INDIA OR NEPAL, SITTING SQUAT-LEGGED LISTENING TO SOME SACRED COW.

SITTING SQUAT-LEGGED LISTENING TO SOME SACRED COW. SO, HE COMES BACK AND HE GETS

TO SOME SACRED COW. SO, HE COMES BACK AND HE GETS STOPPED AT U.S. CUSTOMS FOR

SO, HE COMES BACK AND HE GETS STOPPED AT U.S. CUSTOMS FOR TRAFFICKING IN ILLEGAL DRUGS.

STOPPED AT U.S. CUSTOMS FOR TRAFFICKING IN ILLEGAL DRUGS. NOT HOLDING, HE'S TRAFFICKING.

TRAFFICKING IN ILLEGAL DRUGS. NOT HOLDING, HE'S TRAFFICKING. I MEAN, HERE'S THIS GUY

NOT HOLDING, HE'S TRAFFICKING. I MEAN, HERE'S THIS GUY SULLIVAN, HIS OLD LADY KICKS

I MEAN, HERE'S THIS GUY SULLIVAN, HIS OLD LADY KICKS OFF, HE GETS POPPED AT THE

SULLIVAN, HIS OLD LADY KICKS OFF, HE GETS POPPED AT THE BORDER, AND HE'S SITTING ON

OFF, HE GETS POPPED AT THE BORDER, AND HE'S SITTING ON 50 POUNDS OF BLACK TIBETAN

BORDER, AND HE'S SITTING ON 50 POUNDS OF BLACK TIBETAN FINGER HASH AND TWO KEYS OF

50 POUNDS OF BLACK TIBETAN FINGER HASH AND TWO KEYS OF SLAM!

FINGER HASH AND TWO KEYS OF SLAM! NOW, THAT'S NOT BAD LUCK.

SLAM! NOW, THAT'S NOT BAD LUCK. THAT'S DUMB LUCK.

NOW, THAT'S NOT BAD LUCK. THAT'S DUMB LUCK. I DON'T THINK LUCK HAS ANYTHING

THAT'S DUMB LUCK. I DON'T THINK LUCK HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!

I DON'T THINK LUCK HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT! I THINK IT'S BRAINS!

TO DO WITH IT! I THINK IT'S BRAINS! I DON'T THINK THE GUY HAS ANY

I THINK IT'S BRAINS! I DON'T THINK THE GUY HAS ANY BRAINS AT ALL!

I DON'T THINK THE GUY HAS ANY BRAINS AT ALL! FIRST OF ALL, HE'S A DRUNK, THEN

BRAINS AT ALL! FIRST OF ALL, HE'S A DRUNK, THEN HE'S A JUNKIE!

FIRST OF ALL, HE'S A DRUNK, THEN HE'S A JUNKIE! NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE!

HE'S A JUNKIE! NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE! DON'T ASK ME. ASK SULLIVAN.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE! DON'T ASK ME. ASK SULLIVAN. AND WHAT HAPPENS?

DON'T ASK ME. ASK SULLIVAN. AND WHAT HAPPENS? HE CALLS ME UP AND HE SAYS,

AND WHAT HAPPENS? HE CALLS ME UP AND HE SAYS, "HEY, MAN, I GOT BUSTED AT THE

HE CALLS ME UP AND HE SAYS, "HEY, MAN, I GOT BUSTED AT THE BORDER.

"HEY, MAN, I GOT BUSTED AT THE BORDER. I NEED 5 GRAND BAIL."

BORDER. I NEED 5 GRAND BAIL." JOHN?

I NEED 5 GRAND BAIL." JOHN? WAIT A SECOND.

JOHN? WAIT A SECOND. I SAID... I SAID, "5 GRAND MAN!?

WAIT A SECOND. I SAID... I SAID, "5 GRAND MAN!? HEY, MAN, I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN

I SAID... I SAID, "5 GRAND MAN!? HEY, MAN, I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN $5,000 IN MY LIFE, SO DON'T ASK

HEY, MAN, I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN $5,000 IN MY LIFE, SO DON'T ASK ME FOR IT, MAN.

$5,000 IN MY LIFE, SO DON'T ASK ME FOR IT, MAN. WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER?!"

ME FOR IT, MAN. WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER?!" WHICH WAS A DUMB THING FOR ME TO

WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER?!" WHICH WAS A DUMB THING FOR ME TO SAY, BECAUSE HIS MOTHER JUST

WHICH WAS A DUMB THING FOR ME TO SAY, BECAUSE HIS MOTHER JUST DIED.

SAY, BECAUSE HIS MOTHER JUST DIED. NOW, I GOT THIS DRUNKEN IRISH

DIED. NOW, I GOT THIS DRUNKEN IRISH JUNKIE WHO WANTS TO KILL ME

NOW, I GOT THIS DRUNKEN IRISH JUNKIE WHO WANTS TO KILL ME BECAUSE OF WHAT I SAID ABOUT HIS

JUNKIE WHO WANTS TO KILL ME BECAUSE OF WHAT I SAID ABOUT HIS MOTHER BEING IN TERMINAL

BECAUSE OF WHAT I SAID ABOUT HIS MOTHER BEING IN TERMINAL DREAMLAND, YOU KNOW.

MOTHER BEING IN TERMINAL DREAMLAND, YOU KNOW. OH, ONE THING... LEAVE ME

DREAMLAND, YOU KNOW. OH, ONE THING... LEAVE ME ALONE!!

OH, ONE THING... LEAVE ME ALONE!! ONE THING!

ALONE!! ONE THING! THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHERS, BOY!

ONE THING! THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHERS, BOY! OH, THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHERS.

THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHERS, BOY! OH, THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHERS. IT'S MAMA THIS AND MAMA THAT.

OH, THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHERS. IT'S MAMA THIS AND MAMA THAT. "OH, MY IRISH MOTHER!"

IT'S MAMA THIS AND MAMA THAT. "OH, MY IRISH MOTHER!" "IRELAND MUST BE HEAVEN, BECAUSE

"OH, MY IRISH MOTHER!" "IRELAND MUST BE HEAVEN, BECAUSE MY MOTHER COMES FROM THERE!"

"IRELAND MUST BE HEAVEN, BECAUSE MY MOTHER COMES FROM THERE!" AAH!

MY MOTHER COMES FROM THERE!" AAH! AAH!

[CLEARS THROAT] THAT'S THE NEWS FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, MARY RICHARDS, AND

THAT'S THE NEWS FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, MARY RICHARDS, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, MARY RICHARDS, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

WHENEVER THE LAWS OF ANY

STATE ARE BROKEN, A DULY

AUTHORIZED ORGANIZATION SWINGS

INTO ACTION.

THEY MAY BE CALLED THE STATE

POLICE, STATE TROOPERS, MILITIA,

THE RANGERS, THE PIGS, THE HEAT,

THE KLINGONS, OR THE HIGHWAY

PATROL.

THESE ARE THE STORIES OF THE MEN

WHOSE TRAINING, SKILL, COURAGE,

AND EQUIPMENT MAKE FOR EXCELLENT

TV ENTERTAINMENT.

CAPTAIN MATHEWS, WE PULLED A CARFUL OF DRUNKS OVER NEAR MALIBU.

CARFUL OF DRUNKS OVER NEAR MALIBU. SO, WHERE ARE THEY?

MALIBU. SO, WHERE ARE THEY? WELL, WE LOCKED ALL OF THEM

SO, WHERE ARE THEY? WELL, WE LOCKED ALL OF THEM UP BUT THE DRIVER.

WELL, WE LOCKED ALL OF THEM UP BUT THE DRIVER. NONE OF THEM HAVE ANY

UP BUT THE DRIVER. NONE OF THEM HAVE ANY IDENTIFICATION.

NONE OF THEM HAVE ANY IDENTIFICATION. THEN BRING IN THE DRIVER.

IDENTIFICATION. THEN BRING IN THE DRIVER. OKAY.

THEN BRING IN THE DRIVER. OKAY. COME IN HERE, WILL YA?

OKAY. COME IN HERE, WILL YA? SIT DOWN THERE, PUNK.

COME IN HERE, WILL YA? SIT DOWN THERE, PUNK. SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN THERE, PUNK. SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, KID?

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, KID? I HAVE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, KID? I HAVE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS. I'M NOT OBLIGED TO ANSWER THAT

I HAVE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS. I'M NOT OBLIGED TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

I'M NOT OBLIGED TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION. LOOK, DON'T MAKE TROUBLE FOR

QUESTION. LOOK, DON'T MAKE TROUBLE FOR YOURSELF.

LOOK, DON'T MAKE TROUBLE FOR YOURSELF. YOU WANT TO GET STRAIGHTENED

YOURSELF. YOU WANT TO GET STRAIGHTENED OUT, I'LL GIVE YOU A BREAK, BUT,

YOU WANT TO GET STRAIGHTENED OUT, I'LL GIVE YOU A BREAK, BUT, RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE FACING THREE

OUT, I'LL GIVE YOU A BREAK, BUT, RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE FACING THREE MONTHS IN THE SLAMMER FOR DRUNK

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE FACING THREE MONTHS IN THE SLAMMER FOR DRUNK DRIVING.

MONTHS IN THE SLAMMER FOR DRUNK DRIVING. NOW, WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR NAME?

DRIVING. NOW, WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR NAME? JACK KEROUAC.

NOW, WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR NAME? JACK KEROUAC. [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

JACK KEROUAC. [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS] TELL ME, WHO WAS IN THE CAR

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS] TELL ME, WHO WAS IN THE CAR WITH YOU?

TELL ME, WHO WAS IN THE CAR WITH YOU? NEAL CASSADY,

WITH YOU? NEAL CASSADY, LAWRENCE FERLINGHETTI, AND

NEAL CASSADY, LAWRENCE FERLINGHETTI, AND GINSBERG.

LAWRENCE FERLINGHETTI, AND GINSBERG. KEROUAC?

GINSBERG. KEROUAC? OH, WAIT A MINUTE, KEROUAC,

KEROUAC? OH, WAIT A MINUTE, KEROUAC, KEROUAC.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE, KEROUAC, KEROUAC. HEY, I THINK I READ THAT BOOK

KEROUAC. HEY, I THINK I READ THAT BOOK YOU WROTE.

HEY, I THINK I READ THAT BOOK YOU WROTE. "ON THE ROAD"?

YOU WROTE. "ON THE ROAD"? YEAH, "ON THE ROAD."

"ON THE ROAD"? YEAH, "ON THE ROAD." YOU KNOW, THAT BOOK MAKES YOU

YEAH, "ON THE ROAD." YOU KNOW, THAT BOOK MAKES YOU OUT A VERY UNSAFE DRIVER, KID.

YOU KNOW, THAT BOOK MAKES YOU OUT A VERY UNSAFE DRIVER, KID. IT'S NOT ME, MAN, IT'S THE

OUT A VERY UNSAFE DRIVER, KID. IT'S NOT ME, MAN, IT'S THE AMERICAN HIGHWAY.

IT'S NOT ME, MAN, IT'S THE AMERICAN HIGHWAY. WHERE GOEST THOU, AMERICA?

AMERICAN HIGHWAY. WHERE GOEST THOU, AMERICA? WHERE GOEST THOU IN THY SHINY,

WHERE GOEST THOU, AMERICA? WHERE GOEST THOU IN THY SHINY, BLACK CAR IN THE NIGHT?

WHERE GOEST THOU IN THY SHINY, BLACK CAR IN THE NIGHT? MOTION AND, WHOOSH, THE GRAY

BLACK CAR IN THE NIGHT? MOTION AND, WHOOSH, THE GRAY SKIES ABOVE THE STEEL MILL AT

MOTION AND, WHOOSH, THE GRAY SKIES ABOVE THE STEEL MILL AT DAWN AND, WHOOSH, THE TRUCK

SKIES ABOVE THE STEEL MILL AT DAWN AND, WHOOSH, THE TRUCK STOPS AND NEON AND THE SINGING

DAWN AND, WHOOSH, THE TRUCK STOPS AND NEON AND THE SINGING OF BLACKTOP IN THE RAIN, AND ME

STOPS AND NEON AND THE SINGING OF BLACKTOP IN THE RAIN, AND ME IN MY...

OF BLACKTOP IN THE RAIN, AND ME IN MY... WHOA, HOLD UP.

IN MY... WHOA, HOLD UP. LOCK THIS GUY UP AND LET HIM

WHOA, HOLD UP. LOCK THIS GUY UP AND LET HIM SLEEP IT OFF, WILL YA?

LOCK THIS GUY UP AND LET HIM SLEEP IT OFF, WILL YA? COME ON.

SLEEP IT OFF, WILL YA? COME ON. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, KEROUAC.

COME ON. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, KEROUAC. YOU KNOW, YOU WRITE PRETTY GOOD

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, KEROUAC. YOU KNOW, YOU WRITE PRETTY GOOD PROSE?

YOU KNOW, YOU WRITE PRETTY GOOD PROSE? THANKS A LOT.

PROSE? THANKS A LOT. OH, TAKE HIM THE HELL OUT OF

THANKS A LOT. OH, TAKE HIM THE HELL OUT OF HERE, WILL YA?

OH, TAKE HIM THE HELL OUT OF HERE, WILL YA? COME ON, LET'S GO.

HERE, WILL YA? COME ON, LET'S GO. 2125 TO 2150.

COME ON, LET'S GO. 2125 TO 2150. [CLATTER]

2125 TO 2150. [CLATTER] SORRY, CAPTAIN MATHEWS.

[CLATTER] SORRY, CAPTAIN MATHEWS. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, PICK IT UP.

SORRY, CAPTAIN MATHEWS. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, PICK IT UP. 2125... 2125 TO 2150.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, PICK IT UP. 2125... 2125 TO 2150. 2150. BYE.

2125... 2125 TO 2150. 2150. BYE. TROUBLE AT THE PINK HOTEL.

2150. BYE. TROUBLE AT THE PINK HOTEL. WHAT'S UP?

TROUBLE AT THE PINK HOTEL. WHAT'S UP? A GIRL IS HOLDING HER SIAMESE

WHAT'S UP? A GIRL IS HOLDING HER SIAMESE TWIN HOSTAGE.

A GIRL IS HOLDING HER SIAMESE TWIN HOSTAGE. SHE'S GOT A GUN.

TWIN HOSTAGE. SHE'S GOT A GUN. WELL, KEEP HER TALKING TILL I

SHE'S GOT A GUN. WELL, KEEP HER TALKING TILL I GET THERE, WILL YA?

WELL, KEEP HER TALKING TILL I GET THERE, WILL YA? ALL RIGHT, COME ON, LET'S MOVE.

GET THERE, WILL YA? ALL RIGHT, COME ON, LET'S MOVE. COME ON, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, LET'S MOVE. COME ON, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! [DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE HER DEMANDS? DEMANDS? WHY IS SHE HOLDING HER SISTER

DEMANDS? WHY IS SHE HOLDING HER SISTER HOSTAGE?

WHY IS SHE HOLDING HER SISTER HOSTAGE? GEE, I DIDN'T THINK TO ASK.

HOSTAGE? GEE, I DIDN'T THINK TO ASK. I'VE JUST BEEN TELLING HER,

GEE, I DIDN'T THINK TO ASK. I'VE JUST BEEN TELLING HER, "EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL

I'VE JUST BEEN TELLING HER, "EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART," THAT'S ALL.

"EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART," THAT'S ALL. WHAT'S HER NAME?

RIGHT, SWEETHEART," THAT'S ALL. WHAT'S HER NAME? NAME? I DIDN'T THINK TO ASK

WHAT'S HER NAME? NAME? I DIDN'T THINK TO ASK HER THAT, EITHER.

NAME? I DIDN'T THINK TO ASK HER THAT, EITHER. GIVE ME THAT THING, WILL YA?

HER THAT, EITHER. GIVE ME THAT THING, WILL YA? THIS IS CAPTAIN MATHEWS OF THE

GIVE ME THAT THING, WILL YA? THIS IS CAPTAIN MATHEWS OF THE HIGHWAY PATROL.

THIS IS CAPTAIN MATHEWS OF THE HIGHWAY PATROL. WHY ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR SISTER

HIGHWAY PATROL. WHY ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR SISTER HOSTAGE?

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR SISTER HOSTAGE? I'M... I'M CALLING THE

HOSTAGE? I'M... I'M CALLING THE WORLD'S ATTENTION TO THE PLIGHT

I'M... I'M CALLING THE WORLD'S ATTENTION TO THE PLIGHT OF THE OPPRESSED SIAMESE TWINS

WORLD'S ATTENTION TO THE PLIGHT OF THE OPPRESSED SIAMESE TWINS EVERYWHERE!

OF THE OPPRESSED SIAMESE TWINS EVERYWHERE! I HAVE TWO DEMANDS!

EVERYWHERE! I HAVE TWO DEMANDS! IF THEY'RE NOT MET, I'LL KILL MY

I HAVE TWO DEMANDS! IF THEY'RE NOT MET, I'LL KILL MY SISTER!

IF THEY'RE NOT MET, I'LL KILL MY SISTER! LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S SERIOUS!

SISTER! LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S SERIOUS! WAIT A MINUTE, IF YOU KILL

LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S SERIOUS! WAIT A MINUTE, IF YOU KILL YOUR SISTER, YOU'RE GONNA DIE,

WAIT A MINUTE, IF YOU KILL YOUR SISTER, YOU'RE GONNA DIE, TOO.

YOUR SISTER, YOU'RE GONNA DIE, TOO. YOU GOT THE PICTURE,

TOO. YOU GOT THE PICTURE, FLATFOOT!

YOU GOT THE PICTURE, FLATFOOT! WE'RE TALKING MURDER-SUICIDE

FLATFOOT! WE'RE TALKING MURDER-SUICIDE HERE!

WE'RE TALKING MURDER-SUICIDE HERE! SHE DOESN'T KID! SHE'S CRAZY!

HERE! SHE DOESN'T KID! SHE'S CRAZY! SHUT UP!

SHE DOESN'T KID! SHE'S CRAZY! SHUT UP! WHAT ARE YOUR DEMANDS?

SHUT UP! WHAT ARE YOUR DEMANDS? DEMAND NUMBER ONE... I WANT A

WHAT ARE YOUR DEMANDS? DEMAND NUMBER ONE... I WANT A JOB THAT ISN'T IN ANY WAY

DEMAND NUMBER ONE... I WANT A JOB THAT ISN'T IN ANY WAY CONNECTED WITH THE CIRCUS.

JOB THAT ISN'T IN ANY WAY CONNECTED WITH THE CIRCUS. AND, NUMBER TWO, I WANT MY

CONNECTED WITH THE CIRCUS. AND, NUMBER TWO, I WANT MY SISTER AND I CONSIDERED AS ONE

AND, NUMBER TWO, I WANT MY SISTER AND I CONSIDERED AS ONE PERSON WHEN WE GO TO BUY AIRLINE

SISTER AND I CONSIDERED AS ONE PERSON WHEN WE GO TO BUY AIRLINE TICKETS.

PERSON WHEN WE GO TO BUY AIRLINE TICKETS. CAPTAIN MATHEWS, UH, TWO

TICKETS. CAPTAIN MATHEWS, UH, TWO PRIESTS FROM THE PARISH ARE

CAPTAIN MATHEWS, UH, TWO PRIESTS FROM THE PARISH ARE HERE.

PRIESTS FROM THE PARISH ARE HERE. THEY WANT A CHANCE TO TALK HER

HERE. THEY WANT A CHANCE TO TALK HER DOWN.

THEY WANT A CHANCE TO TALK HER DOWN. CAPTAIN MATHEWS, THIS IS

DOWN. CAPTAIN MATHEWS, THIS IS FATHER TIM, FATHER ROY, THE

CAPTAIN MATHEWS, THIS IS FATHER TIM, FATHER ROY, THE SIAMESE PRIESTS.

FATHER TIM, FATHER ROY, THE SIAMESE PRIESTS. HOW ARE YOU, FATHER?

SIAMESE PRIESTS. HOW ARE YOU, FATHER? [Irish accent] YOU KNOW,

HOW ARE YOU, FATHER? [Irish accent] YOU KNOW, CAPTAIN MATHEWS, WE THOUGHT

[Irish accent] YOU KNOW, CAPTAIN MATHEWS, WE THOUGHT MAYBE THAT WE COULD BRING THE

CAPTAIN MATHEWS, WE THOUGHT MAYBE THAT WE COULD BRING THE LORD'S HELP.

MAYBE THAT WE COULD BRING THE LORD'S HELP. [Irish accent] GIVE THE

LORD'S HELP. [Irish accent] GIVE THE GIRL HALF A CHANCE, AND SHE'LL

[Irish accent] GIVE THE GIRL HALF A CHANCE, AND SHE'LL HAND ME THE GUN.

GIRL HALF A CHANCE, AND SHE'LL HAND ME THE GUN. THAT IS, IF SHE'S

HAND ME THE GUN. THAT IS, IF SHE'S RIGHT-HANDED.

THAT IS, IF SHE'S RIGHT-HANDED. IF SHE'S LEFT-HANDED, SHE'LL BE

RIGHT-HANDED. IF SHE'S LEFT-HANDED, SHE'LL BE HANDING ME THE GUN.

IF SHE'S LEFT-HANDED, SHE'LL BE HANDING ME THE GUN. SHE'LL HAND ME THE GUN.

HANDING ME THE GUN. SHE'LL HAND ME THE GUN. IT WAS MY IDEA. I SAID IT FIRST.

SHE'LL HAND ME THE GUN. IT WAS MY IDEA. I SAID IT FIRST. YES, BUT I THOUGHT OF IT

IT WAS MY IDEA. I SAID IT FIRST. YES, BUT I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST.

YES, BUT I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST. I HAD IT IN A DREAM SEVERAL

FIRST. I HAD IT IN A DREAM SEVERAL NIGHTS AGO!

I HAD IT IN A DREAM SEVERAL NIGHTS AGO! WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE,

NIGHTS AGO! WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE, FATHERS!

WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE, FATHERS! WILL YOU GO AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN

FATHERS! WILL YOU GO AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT?

WILL YOU GO AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT? YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

DO ABOUT IT? YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YOU GO WITH THEM, OKAY?

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YOU GO WITH THEM, OKAY? YEAH, GO AHEAD.

YOU GO WITH THEM, OKAY? YEAH, GO AHEAD. HEY, WHAT GOES ON HERE?

YEAH, GO AHEAD. HEY, WHAT GOES ON HERE? I DIDN'T ASK FOR NO LOUSY

HEY, WHAT GOES ON HERE? I DIDN'T ASK FOR NO LOUSY PRIESTS.

I DIDN'T ASK FOR NO LOUSY PRIESTS. WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO PULL ON

PRIESTS. WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO PULL ON ME?

WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO PULL ON ME? Both: OH, DON'T SHOOT!

ME? Both: OH, DON'T SHOOT! WE'RE SIAMESE PRIESTS.

Both: OH, DON'T SHOOT! WE'RE SIAMESE PRIESTS. THIS IS NONE OF YOUR

WE'RE SIAMESE PRIESTS. THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. AH, CHILD, IF YOU KNEW HALF

BUSINESS. AH, CHILD, IF YOU KNEW HALF AS MUCH AS WE KNOW ABOUT GOD'S

AH, CHILD, IF YOU KNEW HALF AS MUCH AS WE KNOW ABOUT GOD'S PLAN, YOU WOULDN'T BE SAYING

AS MUCH AS WE KNOW ABOUT GOD'S PLAN, YOU WOULDN'T BE SAYING THIS RIGHT NOW.

PLAN, YOU WOULDN'T BE SAYING THIS RIGHT NOW. YOU MEAN, A QUARTER AS MUCH.

THIS RIGHT NOW. YOU MEAN, A QUARTER AS MUCH. WELL, ALL RIGHT.

YOU MEAN, A QUARTER AS MUCH. WELL, ALL RIGHT. THAT'S A POINT WELL TAKEN.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. THAT'S A POINT WELL TAKEN. OKAY, CHILD, GIVE ME THE GUN.

THAT'S A POINT WELL TAKEN. OKAY, CHILD, GIVE ME THE GUN. COME A STEP CLOSER, AND I'LL

OKAY, CHILD, GIVE ME THE GUN. COME A STEP CLOSER, AND I'LL SHOOT, I SWEAR!

COME A STEP CLOSER, AND I'LL SHOOT, I SWEAR! ALL RIGHT, THEN GIVE ME THE

SHOOT, I SWEAR! ALL RIGHT, THEN GIVE ME THE GUN.

ALL RIGHT, THEN GIVE ME THE GUN. SHE'S SO DEPRESSED, SHE

GUN. SHE'S SO DEPRESSED, SHE DOESN'T CARE WHETHER SHE LIVES

SHE'S SO DEPRESSED, SHE DOESN'T CARE WHETHER SHE LIVES OR DIES, BUT I DO!

DOESN'T CARE WHETHER SHE LIVES OR DIES, BUT I DO! YOU GOT TO MEET HER DEMANDS!

OR DIES, BUT I DO! YOU GOT TO MEET HER DEMANDS! WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT, BUT I

YOU GOT TO MEET HER DEMANDS! WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT, BUT I CAN DO THIS.

WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT, BUT I CAN DO THIS. I WILL TALK TO THE JUDGE AND SEE

CAN DO THIS. I WILL TALK TO THE JUDGE AND SEE IF I CAN GET HIM TO DROP THE

I WILL TALK TO THE JUDGE AND SEE IF I CAN GET HIM TO DROP THE KIDNAPPING CHARGES.

IF I CAN GET HIM TO DROP THE KIDNAPPING CHARGES. NOW, GIVE ME THE GUN.

KIDNAPPING CHARGES. NOW, GIVE ME THE GUN. I'LL SHOOT.

NOW, GIVE ME THE GUN. I'LL SHOOT. GIVE ME THE GUN, THEN, WILL

I'LL SHOOT. GIVE ME THE GUN, THEN, WILL YOU, PLEASE, CHILD?

GIVE ME THE GUN, THEN, WILL YOU, PLEASE, CHILD? GIVE ME THE GUN?

YOU, PLEASE, CHILD? GIVE ME THE GUN? AH!

GIVE ME THE GUN? AH! I GOT THE GUN, I GOT THE GUN.

AH! I GOT THE GUN, I GOT THE GUN. AH, YOU TWO OWE YOUR NECKS TO

I GOT THE GUN, I GOT THE GUN. AH, YOU TWO OWE YOUR NECKS TO THE HIGHWAY PATROL.

AH, YOU TWO OWE YOUR NECKS TO THE HIGHWAY PATROL. OFFICER!

THE HIGHWAY PATROL. OFFICER! YOU WON'T BE HAVING MORE TROUBLE

OFFICER! YOU WON'T BE HAVING MORE TROUBLE WITH THIS GIRLS.

YOU WON'T BE HAVING MORE TROUBLE WITH THIS GIRLS. THANK YOU! YOU'RE WONDERFUL!

WITH THIS GIRLS. THANK YOU! YOU'RE WONDERFUL! GOD BE WITH YOU.

THANK YOU! YOU'RE WONDERFUL! GOD BE WITH YOU. I KNEW SHE'D GIVE ME THE GUN.

GOD BE WITH YOU. I KNEW SHE'D GIVE ME THE GUN. YOU ALWAYS GET THE GUN, AND

I KNEW SHE'D GIVE ME THE GUN. YOU ALWAYS GET THE GUN, AND IT BOTHERS ME.

YOU ALWAYS GET THE GUN, AND IT BOTHERS ME. WELL, YOU ALWAYS GET TO SHAKE

IT BOTHERS ME. WELL, YOU ALWAYS GET TO SHAKE HANDS.

WELL, YOU ALWAYS GET TO SHAKE HANDS. YOU'RE RIGHT-HANDED, I'M

HANDS. YOU'RE RIGHT-HANDED, I'M LEFT-HANDED.

YOU'RE RIGHT-HANDED, I'M LEFT-HANDED. [DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

LEFT-HANDED. [DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS] WHOA, THAT WAS A TOUGH ONE.

[DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS] WHOA, THAT WAS A TOUGH ONE. YEAH, THOSE SIAMESE TWINS...

WHOA, THAT WAS A TOUGH ONE. YEAH, THOSE SIAMESE TWINS... THEY ALWAYS GIVE US TROUBLE.

YEAH, THOSE SIAMESE TWINS... THEY ALWAYS GIVE US TROUBLE. YEAH, I KNOW.

THEY ALWAYS GIVE US TROUBLE. YEAH, I KNOW. 2130 TO 2150.

YEAH, I KNOW. 2130 TO 2150. 2150. BYE.

2130 TO 2150. 2150. BYE. ACCIDENT OUT HERE ON

2150. BYE. ACCIDENT OUT HERE ON COAST HIGHWAY.

ACCIDENT OUT HERE ON COAST HIGHWAY. WHAT HAPPENED?

COAST HIGHWAY. WHAT HAPPENED? HOT ROD IN A BLUE PORSCHE.

WHAT HAPPENED? HOT ROD IN A BLUE PORSCHE. HE ROLLED IT.

HOT ROD IN A BLUE PORSCHE. HE ROLLED IT. IS HE CRITICAL?

HE ROLLED IT. IS HE CRITICAL? HE BIT IT.

IS HE CRITICAL? HE BIT IT. VICE HAS IDENTIFIED HIM AS

HE BIT IT. VICE HAS IDENTIFIED HIM AS JAMES DEAN OF LOS ANGELES.

VICE HAS IDENTIFIED HIM AS JAMES DEAN OF LOS ANGELES. JAMES DEAN?

JAMES DEAN OF LOS ANGELES. JAMES DEAN? JAMES DEAN!

JAMES DEAN? JAMES DEAN! YOU KNOW, HE WAS A HELL OF A

JAMES DEAN! YOU KNOW, HE WAS A HELL OF A GOOD ACTOR.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS A HELL OF A GOOD ACTOR. YEAH, HE WAS, BUT HE DIDN'T

GOOD ACTOR. YEAH, HE WAS, BUT HE DIDN'T TAKE OUR DEFENSIVE-DRIVING

YEAH, HE WAS, BUT HE DIDN'T TAKE OUR DEFENSIVE-DRIVING COURSE.

TAKE OUR DEFENSIVE-DRIVING COURSE. YEAH, GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

COURSE. YEAH, GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. 2130... 10-8, 10-17 ON A

YEAH, GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. 2130... 10-8, 10-17 ON A 10-99, AND OUT.

2130... 10-8, 10-17 ON A 10-99, AND OUT. 10-4.

10-99, AND OUT. 10-4. [DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

WELL, THAT'S IT. BE SURE AND SEE THE HIGHWAY PATROL IN ACTION AGAIN NEXT

BE SURE AND SEE THE HIGHWAY PATROL IN ACTION AGAIN NEXT WEEK.

PATROL IN ACTION AGAIN NEXT WEEK. UNTIL THEN, REMEMBER, WHEN YOU

UNTIL THEN, REMEMBER, WHEN YOU DRIVE, USE A CAR.

[DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[PIANO PLAYS]

HEWWO, THIS IS "BABA WAWA AT WARGE." WET ME JUST BEGIN BY SAYING,

"BABA WAWA AT WARGE." WET ME JUST BEGIN BY SAYING, THERE'S NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN

WET ME JUST BEGIN BY SAYING, THERE'S NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN MY IWWUSTWIOUS CAWEER.

THERE'S NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN MY IWWUSTWIOUS CAWEER. I JUST WETURNED FROM IWAN, WHERE

MY IWWUSTWIOUS CAWEER. I JUST WETURNED FROM IWAN, WHERE I WAS INTERVIEWING THE SHAH AND

I JUST WETURNED FROM IWAN, WHERE I WAS INTERVIEWING THE SHAH AND SHAHNESS AND SHAHNETTES OF IWAN.

I WAS INTERVIEWING THE SHAH AND SHAHNESS AND SHAHNETTES OF IWAN. AND NOW HERE I AM IN THE

SHAHNESS AND SHAHNETTES OF IWAN. AND NOW HERE I AM IN THE WUXURIOUS BEVEWY HILLS HOME OF

AND NOW HERE I AM IN THE WUXURIOUS BEVEWY HILLS HOME OF A GWEAT ORIENTAL FILM STAR.

WUXURIOUS BEVEWY HILLS HOME OF A GWEAT ORIENTAL FILM STAR. OF COURSE, I'M WEFERRING TO THE

A GWEAT ORIENTAL FILM STAR. OF COURSE, I'M WEFERRING TO THE TWULY TEWWIFIC GODZILLA.

OF COURSE, I'M WEFERRING TO THE TWULY TEWWIFIC GODZILLA. HOW ARE YOU TODAY, GODZILLA?

TWULY TEWWIFIC GODZILLA. HOW ARE YOU TODAY, GODZILLA? I'M FINE.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY, GODZILLA? I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU, BARBARA?

I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU, BARBARA? OH, JUST FINE.

HOW ARE YOU, BARBARA? OH, JUST FINE. GODZILLA, IS THIS YOUR PWACE?

OH, JUST FINE. GODZILLA, IS THIS YOUR PWACE? YES, IT SURE IS.

GODZILLA, IS THIS YOUR PWACE? YES, IT SURE IS. YOU JUST CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT.

YES, IT SURE IS. YOU JUST CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT. YOU KNOW, THE WORK IS HERE.

YOU JUST CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT. YOU KNOW, THE WORK IS HERE. THIS IS WHERE I'M GONNA MAKE MY

YOU KNOW, THE WORK IS HERE. THIS IS WHERE I'M GONNA MAKE MY HOME... LOS ANGELES.

THIS IS WHERE I'M GONNA MAKE MY HOME... LOS ANGELES. [CHUCKLES]

HOME... LOS ANGELES. [CHUCKLES] GODZILLA, IS... IS THAT A

[CHUCKLES] GODZILLA, IS... IS THAT A JAPANESE NAME?

GODZILLA, IS... IS THAT A JAPANESE NAME? UH, NO, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF

JAPANESE NAME? UH, NO, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M FROM JAPAN OR A

UH, NO, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M FROM JAPAN OR A MUPPET, YOU KNOW, BUT, ACTUALLY,

PEOPLE THINK I'M FROM JAPAN OR A MUPPET, YOU KNOW, BUT, ACTUALLY, I'M NEITHER.

MUPPET, YOU KNOW, BUT, ACTUALLY, I'M NEITHER. I'M ACTUALLY... I WAS... I'M

I'M NEITHER. I'M ACTUALLY... I WAS... I'M HAWAIIAN.

I'M ACTUALLY... I WAS... I'M HAWAIIAN. I WAS BORN IN A CRATER OFF THE

HAWAIIAN. I WAS BORN IN A CRATER OFF THE COAST OF OAHU, AND MY EGG WAS

I WAS BORN IN A CRATER OFF THE COAST OF OAHU, AND MY EGG WAS HATCHED FROM THE WARMTH OF A

COAST OF OAHU, AND MY EGG WAS HATCHED FROM THE WARMTH OF A LAVA FLOW, DURING AN ERUPTION

HATCHED FROM THE WARMTH OF A LAVA FLOW, DURING AN ERUPTION FROM A DORMANT VOLCANO.

LAVA FLOW, DURING AN ERUPTION FROM A DORMANT VOLCANO. OH, FWOM THE WARMTH OF A WAVA

FROM A DORMANT VOLCANO. OH, FWOM THE WARMTH OF A WAVA FWOW DUWING A VOLCANIC EWUPTION.

OH, FWOM THE WARMTH OF A WAVA FWOW DUWING A VOLCANIC EWUPTION. WEAWWY? SO, YOU'RE HAWAIIAN?

FWOW DUWING A VOLCANIC EWUPTION. WEAWWY? SO, YOU'RE HAWAIIAN? YES, SURE.

WEAWWY? SO, YOU'RE HAWAIIAN? YES, SURE. I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH

YES, SURE. I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH BETTE MIDLER.

I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH BETTE MIDLER. OH, WEAWWY?

BETTE MIDLER. OH, WEAWWY? WE WENT STEADY TOGETHER FOR

OH, WEAWWY? WE WENT STEADY TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS.

WE WENT STEADY TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

TWO YEARS. [BOTH CHUCKLE] GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET

[BOTH CHUCKLE] GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET PERSONAL WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT,

GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET PERSONAL WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT, WOULD YOU SAY THERE WAS ANY

PERSONAL WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT, WOULD YOU SAY THERE WAS ANY PARTICULAR WEASON WHY YOU WENT

WOULD YOU SAY THERE WAS ANY PARTICULAR WEASON WHY YOU WENT INTO SHOW BUSINESS?

PARTICULAR WEASON WHY YOU WENT INTO SHOW BUSINESS? I MEAN, SOMETHING FWOM AN

INTO SHOW BUSINESS? I MEAN, SOMETHING FWOM AN UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD?

I MEAN, SOMETHING FWOM AN UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD? I WAS HATCHED FROM AN EGG.

UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD? I WAS HATCHED FROM AN EGG. YOU COULD SAY I CAME FROM A

I WAS HATCHED FROM AN EGG. YOU COULD SAY I CAME FROM A BROKEN HOME.

YOU COULD SAY I CAME FROM A BROKEN HOME. [BOTH LAUGH]

BROKEN HOME. [BOTH LAUGH] OH, GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET

[BOTH LAUGH] OH, GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET JUST WITTLE WEE BIT MORE

OH, GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET JUST WITTLE WEE BIT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU, ARE YOU, UH

JUST WITTLE WEE BIT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU, ARE YOU, UH [CHUCKLES] BUT I DON'T WANT YOU

PERSONAL WITH YOU, ARE YOU, UH [CHUCKLES] BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET PERSONAL WITH ME.

[CHUCKLES] BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET PERSONAL WITH ME. ARE YOU MAWWIED?

TO GET PERSONAL WITH ME. ARE YOU MAWWIED? YES, VERY HAPPILY, YES.

ARE YOU MAWWIED? YES, VERY HAPPILY, YES. I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFE,

YES, VERY HAPPILY, YES. I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFE, JUANITA, AND TWO LOVELY

I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFE, JUANITA, AND TWO LOVELY CHILDREN... SCHUYLER, 8, AND

JUANITA, AND TWO LOVELY CHILDREN... SCHUYLER, 8, AND LINDSAY, 5.

CHILDREN... SCHUYLER, 8, AND LINDSAY, 5. OH, A BOY AND A GIRL.

LINDSAY, 5. OH, A BOY AND A GIRL. AH, NO, TWO BOYS.

OH, A BOY AND A GIRL. AH, NO, TWO BOYS. PLEASE, THEY'RE GONNA BE

AH, NO, TWO BOYS. PLEASE, THEY'RE GONNA BE FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

PLEASE, THEY'RE GONNA BE FOOTBALL PLAYERS. WIGHT.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS. WIGHT. OH, WATCH IT, GODZILLA.

WIGHT. OH, WATCH IT, GODZILLA. UH, IF COULD GET JUST A TEENY

OH, WATCH IT, GODZILLA. UH, IF COULD GET JUST A TEENY TINY BIT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU,

UH, IF COULD GET JUST A TEENY TINY BIT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU, WHAT IS YOUR WIFE WIKE

TINY BIT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU, WHAT IS YOUR WIFE WIKE PHYSICAWWY?

WHAT IS YOUR WIFE WIKE PHYSICAWWY? ABOUT 5'3½"... ON THE PETITE

PHYSICAWWY? ABOUT 5'3½"... ON THE PETITE SIDE.

ABOUT 5'3½"... ON THE PETITE SIDE. I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS, YOU KNOW.

SIDE. I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS, YOU KNOW. GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET A

I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS, YOU KNOW. GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET A WOT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU, HOW

GODZILLA, IF I COULD GET A WOT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU, HOW DO YOU AND YOUR WIFE DO IT?

WOT MORE PERSONAL WITH YOU, HOW DO YOU AND YOUR WIFE DO IT? VERY CAREFULLY.

DO YOU AND YOUR WIFE DO IT? VERY CAREFULLY. [BOTH LAUGH]

VERY CAREFULLY. [BOTH LAUGH] WHO DO THE KIDS TAKE AFTER?

[BOTH LAUGH] WHO DO THE KIDS TAKE AFTER? OH, MY WIFE, PLEASE.

WHO DO THE KIDS TAKE AFTER? OH, MY WIFE, PLEASE. ONE ACTOR IN THE FAMILY IS

OH, MY WIFE, PLEASE. ONE ACTOR IN THE FAMILY IS ENOUGH, YOU KNOW.

ONE ACTOR IN THE FAMILY IS ENOUGH, YOU KNOW. [CHUCKLES]

ENOUGH, YOU KNOW. [CHUCKLES] GODZILLA, WHAT'S NEXT?

[CHUCKLES] GODZILLA, WHAT'S NEXT? WELL, ACTUALLY, BARBARA, WHAT

GODZILLA, WHAT'S NEXT? WELL, ACTUALLY, BARBARA, WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIRECT.

WELL, ACTUALLY, BARBARA, WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIRECT. OHO, WELL, GOOD WUCK,

I REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIRECT. OHO, WELL, GOOD WUCK, GODZILLA.

OHO, WELL, GOOD WUCK, GODZILLA. DO YOU DO ALL YOUR OWN STUNTS?

GODZILLA. DO YOU DO ALL YOUR OWN STUNTS? I LIKE TO, BARBARA.

DO YOU DO ALL YOUR OWN STUNTS? I LIKE TO, BARBARA. OKAY, ONCE, I HURT MY HIP, AND

I LIKE TO, BARBARA. OKAY, ONCE, I HURT MY HIP, AND THEY HAD TO SEND IN A STUNT

OKAY, ONCE, I HURT MY HIP, AND THEY HAD TO SEND IN A STUNT LIZARD, BUT USUALLY I LIKE TO DO

THEY HAD TO SEND IN A STUNT LIZARD, BUT USUALLY I LIKE TO DO MY OWN STUNTS.

LIZARD, BUT USUALLY I LIKE TO DO MY OWN STUNTS. WELL, COULD YOU PWEASE

MY OWN STUNTS. WELL, COULD YOU PWEASE DEMONSTWATE FOR US?

WELL, COULD YOU PWEASE DEMONSTWATE FOR US? SURE COULD.

DEMONSTWATE FOR US? SURE COULD. WHY DON'T YOU COME ON UP OVER

SURE COULD. WHY DON'T YOU COME ON UP OVER HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON UP OVER HERE? OKAY, NOW, THERE ARE TWO BASIC

HERE? OKAY, NOW, THERE ARE TWO BASIC MOVES WHEN I COME TO DESTROY A

OKAY, NOW, THERE ARE TWO BASIC MOVES WHEN I COME TO DESTROY A CITY OR SOMETHING.

MOVES WHEN I COME TO DESTROY A CITY OR SOMETHING. FIRST, I COME IN AND THERE'S A

CITY OR SOMETHING. FIRST, I COME IN AND THERE'S A SWIPE LIKE [ROARS] LIKE THAT.

FIRST, I COME IN AND THERE'S A SWIPE LIKE [ROARS] LIKE THAT. AND THEN THERE'S THE CRUSH AND

SWIPE LIKE [ROARS] LIKE THAT. AND THEN THERE'S THE CRUSH AND SMASH LIKE THAT.

AND THEN THERE'S THE CRUSH AND SMASH LIKE THAT. OH. [CHUCKLES]

SMASH LIKE THAT. OH. [CHUCKLES] VERY SIMPLE.

OH. [CHUCKLES] VERY SIMPLE. IT'S ALL DONE WITH SPECIAL

VERY SIMPLE. IT'S ALL DONE WITH SPECIAL EFFECTS.

IT'S ALL DONE WITH SPECIAL EFFECTS. GODZILLA, I THANK YOU FOR

EFFECTS. GODZILLA, I THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAWITY, AND GOOD WUCK

GODZILLA, I THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAWITY, AND GOOD WUCK IN YOUR NEW CAWEER.

YOUR HOSPITAWITY, AND GOOD WUCK IN YOUR NEW CAWEER. ONE MORE THING, GODZILLA.

IN YOUR NEW CAWEER. ONE MORE THING, GODZILLA. UH, BE WISE WITH US.

ONE MORE THING, GODZILLA. UH, BE WISE WITH US. BE GOOD WITH US.

UH, BE WISE WITH US. BE GOOD WITH US. THIS IS BABA WAWA AT WARGE

BE GOOD WITH US. THIS IS BABA WAWA AT WARGE SAYING "GOOD NIGHT."

THIS IS BABA WAWA AT WARGE SAYING "GOOD NIGHT." [PIANO PLAYS]

SAYING "GOOD NIGHT." [PIANO PLAYS] OH!

[PIANO PLAYS] OH! [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, THE RCO ALL-STARS. [APPLAUSE]

RCO ALL-STARS. [APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "AIN'T THAT A

[APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE" PLAYS]

♪ I KNOW THE DESERT COULDN'T HOLD ALL THE LOVE THAT I FEEL IN MY HEART FOR YOU ♪

HOLD ALL THE LOVE THAT I FEEL IN MY HEART FOR YOU ♪ ♪ JUST LIKE THE OCEAN THAT

MY HEART FOR YOU ♪ ♪ JUST LIKE THE OCEAN THAT STARTED TO ROLL, MY LOVE IT

♪ JUST LIKE THE OCEAN THAT STARTED TO ROLL, MY LOVE IT WOULD BE COMING TO YOU ♪

STARTED TO ROLL, MY LOVE IT WOULD BE COMING TO YOU ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR

WOULD BE COMING TO YOU ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪

♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR

ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪

♪ IF THE COOK IN THE KITCHEN HAD A TOUCH AS HOT AS YOURS, IT WOULDN'T NEED A FIRE ♪

A TOUCH AS HOT AS YOURS, IT WOULDN'T NEED A FIRE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T THINK OF A WORD THAT

WOULDN'T NEED A FIRE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T THINK OF A WORD THAT DESCRIBES YOU BETTER THAN

♪ I CAN'T THINK OF A WORD THAT DESCRIBES YOU BETTER THAN "INDESCRIBABLE" ♪

DESCRIBES YOU BETTER THAN "INDESCRIBABLE" ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR

"INDESCRIBABLE" ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪

♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR

ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪

♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪ WHOO!

♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE? ♪ ♪ A LOT OF LOVE ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE? ♪

♪ A LOT OF LOVE ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE? ♪ ♪ A LOT OF LOVE ♪

♪ IF THE BEES ONLY KNEW HOW SWEET YOU WERE, DARLING, THEY WOULD SHUT UP THEIR HONEYCOMB ♪

SWEET YOU WERE, DARLING, THEY WOULD SHUT UP THEIR HONEYCOMB ♪ ♪ IF THE BIRDS COULD HEAR HOW

WOULD SHUT UP THEIR HONEYCOMB ♪ ♪ IF THE BIRDS COULD HEAR HOW SWEET YOUR VOICE IS, THEY'D PACK

♪ IF THE BIRDS COULD HEAR HOW SWEET YOUR VOICE IS, THEY'D PACK UP AND FLY AWAY ♪

SWEET YOUR VOICE IS, THEY'D PACK UP AND FLY AWAY ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR

UP AND FLY AWAY ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪

♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR

ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪ ♪ AIN'T THAT A LOT OF LOVE FOR ONE HEART TO HOLD? ♪

[MUSIC ENDS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS]

HOOVER'S GONNA BE SURPRISED, DADDY. WELL, THIS OUGHT TO SHOW HIM

DADDY. WELL, THIS OUGHT TO SHOW HIM RICHARD NIXON WOULDN'T ASK

WELL, THIS OUGHT TO SHOW HIM RICHARD NIXON WOULDN'T ASK ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING HE

RICHARD NIXON WOULDN'T ASK ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING HE WOULDN'T DO HIMSELF.

ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING HE WOULDN'T DO HIMSELF. YOU MEAN, YOU'D LEAD A NIGHT

WOULDN'T DO HIMSELF. YOU MEAN, YOU'D LEAD A NIGHT PATROL ON THE VIETCONG?

YOU MEAN, YOU'D LEAD A NIGHT PATROL ON THE VIETCONG? I'M NOT STUPID, PRINCESS.

PATROL ON THE VIETCONG? I'M NOT STUPID, PRINCESS. WAIT, YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.

I'M NOT STUPID, PRINCESS. WAIT, YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE. WHY?

WAIT, YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE. WHY? WELL, JULIE, HE DOESN'T

WHY? WELL, JULIE, HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN.

WELL, JULIE, HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN. YOU WAIT HERE TILL I'M FINISHED.

UNDERSTAND WOMEN. YOU WAIT HERE TILL I'M FINISHED. [ALARM WAILING]

YOU WAIT HERE TILL I'M FINISHED. [ALARM WAILING] WAIT! DON'T SHOOT!

[ALARM WAILING] WAIT! DON'T SHOOT! ALL RIGHT, DON'T SHOOT!

WAIT! DON'T SHOOT! ALL RIGHT, DON'T SHOOT! IT'S THE PRESIDENT!

ALL RIGHT, DON'T SHOOT! IT'S THE PRESIDENT! [ALARM STOPS]

IT'S THE PRESIDENT! [ALARM STOPS] YES, SIR.

[ALARM STOPS] YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

YES, SIR. YES, SIR. WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS,

YES, SIR. WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS, NIXON?

WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS, NIXON? HOW'D YOU GET THROUGH MY

NIXON? HOW'D YOU GET THROUGH MY SECURITY?

HOW'D YOU GET THROUGH MY SECURITY? I TOLD THEM I WAS THE

SECURITY? I TOLD THEM I WAS THE PRESIDENT.

I TOLD THEM I WAS THE PRESIDENT. NOW, LOOK, J. EDGAR...

PRESIDENT. NOW, LOOK, J. EDGAR... I'VE GOT A NEW PLAN FOR THAT

NOW, LOOK, J. EDGAR... I'VE GOT A NEW PLAN FOR THAT SPECIAL INTELLIGENCE GROUP WE'VE

I'VE GOT A NEW PLAN FOR THAT SPECIAL INTELLIGENCE GROUP WE'VE BEEN NEEDING AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

SPECIAL INTELLIGENCE GROUP WE'VE BEEN NEEDING AT THE WHITE HOUSE. WELL, I GOT ANOTHER PLAN.

BEEN NEEDING AT THE WHITE HOUSE. WELL, I GOT ANOTHER PLAN. IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

WELL, I GOT ANOTHER PLAN. IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING. NOW, WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU GO

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING. NOW, WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU GO HOME, TAKE A FISTFUL OF VALIUM,

NOW, WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU GO HOME, TAKE A FISTFUL OF VALIUM, AND GET SOME SLEEP?

HOME, TAKE A FISTFUL OF VALIUM, AND GET SOME SLEEP? YOU THINK I'D COME HERE IF

AND GET SOME SLEEP? YOU THINK I'D COME HERE IF THIS WASN'T IMPORTANT?

YOU THINK I'D COME HERE IF THIS WASN'T IMPORTANT? WE'RE PUBLIC SERVANTS.

THIS WASN'T IMPORTANT? WE'RE PUBLIC SERVANTS. WE'RE ON CALL 24 HOURS A DAY.

WE'RE PUBLIC SERVANTS. WE'RE ON CALL 24 HOURS A DAY. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL

WE'RE ON CALL 24 HOURS A DAY. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT, STAND UP.

THINK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT, STAND UP. NOW, TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND.

ALL RIGHT, STAND UP. NOW, TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND. NOW, DON'T PEEK.

NOW, TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND. NOW, DON'T PEEK. I'M GONNA PUT MY ROBE ON.

NOW, DON'T PEEK. I'M GONNA PUT MY ROBE ON. NOW, THIS IS A REAL DIFFERENT

I'M GONNA PUT MY ROBE ON. NOW, THIS IS A REAL DIFFERENT PLAN, NOT LIKE THE COLSON PLAN

NOW, THIS IS A REAL DIFFERENT PLAN, NOT LIKE THE COLSON PLAN OR THE MAGRUDER PLAN.

PLAN, NOT LIKE THE COLSON PLAN OR THE MAGRUDER PLAN. THIS ONE WAS SCALED WAY DOWN.

OR THE MAGRUDER PLAN. THIS ONE WAS SCALED WAY DOWN. FOR INSTANCE, GET THIS IDEA.

THIS ONE WAS SCALED WAY DOWN. FOR INSTANCE, GET THIS IDEA. WE DON'T RANDOMLY SPY ON PEOPLE

FOR INSTANCE, GET THIS IDEA. WE DON'T RANDOMLY SPY ON PEOPLE ANYMORE, WE JUST SPY ON PEOPLE

WE DON'T RANDOMLY SPY ON PEOPLE ANYMORE, WE JUST SPY ON PEOPLE WHOM WE HAVE A REASON TO SPY ON.

ANYMORE, WE JUST SPY ON PEOPLE WHOM WE HAVE A REASON TO SPY ON. GREAT, HUH?

WHOM WE HAVE A REASON TO SPY ON. GREAT, HUH? WELL...

GREAT, HUH? WELL... WHAT AGENCIES ARE INVOLVED?

WELL... WHAT AGENCIES ARE INVOLVED? WELL, THE CIA TAPS THE PHONES

WHAT AGENCIES ARE INVOLVED? WELL, THE CIA TAPS THE PHONES AND READS THE MAIL AND LETTERS

WELL, THE CIA TAPS THE PHONES AND READS THE MAIL AND LETTERS OF, LIKE, FOREIGN AGENTS,

AND READS THE MAIL AND LETTERS OF, LIKE, FOREIGN AGENTS, INCLUDING AMERICANS WHO HAVE

OF, LIKE, FOREIGN AGENTS, INCLUDING AMERICANS WHO HAVE GONE OVERSEAS.

INCLUDING AMERICANS WHO HAVE GONE OVERSEAS. LIKE DANIEL ELLSBERG,

GONE OVERSEAS. LIKE DANIEL ELLSBERG, JANE FONDA?

LIKE DANIEL ELLSBERG, JANE FONDA? YEAH, TED KENNEDY,

JANE FONDA? YEAH, TED KENNEDY, JOE NAMATH.

YEAH, TED KENNEDY, JOE NAMATH. WHAT ABOUT MY BOYS?

JOE NAMATH. WHAT ABOUT MY BOYS? WELL, THE FBI DOES DOMESTIC

WHAT ABOUT MY BOYS? WELL, THE FBI DOES DOMESTIC SURVEILLANCE... YOU KNOW,

WELL, THE FBI DOES DOMESTIC SURVEILLANCE... YOU KNOW, LEFT-WINGERS WHO MIGHT

SURVEILLANCE... YOU KNOW, LEFT-WINGERS WHO MIGHT SYMPATHIZE WITH A VIOLENT

LEFT-WINGERS WHO MIGHT SYMPATHIZE WITH A VIOLENT COMMUNIST REVOLUTION.

SYMPATHIZE WITH A VIOLENT COMMUNIST REVOLUTION. OH, ABBIE HOFFMAN,

COMMUNIST REVOLUTION. OH, ABBIE HOFFMAN, HUEY NEWTON, AND THE

OH, ABBIE HOFFMAN, HUEY NEWTON, AND THE BLACK PANTHERS?

HUEY NEWTON, AND THE BLACK PANTHERS? TED KENNEDY,

BLACK PANTHERS? TED KENNEDY, SHIRLEY MacLAINE.

TED KENNEDY, SHIRLEY MacLAINE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

SHIRLEY MacLAINE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. NOW, GET THIS.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. NOW, GET THIS. THE WHITE HOUSE WILL HAVE A

NOW, GET THIS. THE WHITE HOUSE WILL HAVE A SPECIAL UNIT.

THE WHITE HOUSE WILL HAVE A SPECIAL UNIT. THE ONLY JOB THEY HAVE IS TO

SPECIAL UNIT. THE ONLY JOB THEY HAVE IS TO PLUG LEAKS.

THE ONLY JOB THEY HAVE IS TO PLUG LEAKS. GUESS WHAT THEY'RE CALLED.

PLUG LEAKS. GUESS WHAT THEY'RE CALLED. [SIGHS] THE PLUMBERS?

GUESS WHAT THEY'RE CALLED. [SIGHS] THE PLUMBERS? YEAH, THE PLUMBERS.

[SIGHS] THE PLUMBERS? YEAH, THE PLUMBERS. HOW DID YOU KNOW?

YEAH, THE PLUMBERS. HOW DID YOU KNOW? I GUESS IT LEAKED OUT ALREADY.

HOW DID YOU KNOW? I GUESS IT LEAKED OUT ALREADY. LOOK, IF WE GET CAUGHT, WHO

I GUESS IT LEAKED OUT ALREADY. LOOK, IF WE GET CAUGHT, WHO TAKES THE RAP FOR IT?

LOOK, IF WE GET CAUGHT, WHO TAKES THE RAP FOR IT? OH, I DON'T KNOW, SOME

TAKES THE RAP FOR IT? OH, I DON'T KNOW, SOME PATSY... MITCHELL, FOR EXAMPLE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, SOME PATSY... MITCHELL, FOR EXAMPLE. NO, NO, I'M NOT GOING ALONG

PATSY... MITCHELL, FOR EXAMPLE. NO, NO, I'M NOT GOING ALONG WITH IT.

NO, NO, I'M NOT GOING ALONG WITH IT. NOT GOING ALONG WITH ANY ILLEGAL

WITH IT. NOT GOING ALONG WITH ANY ILLEGAL PLAN UNLESS YOU GIVE ME WRITTEN

NOT GOING ALONG WITH ANY ILLEGAL PLAN UNLESS YOU GIVE ME WRITTEN CONSENT TO BREAK THE LAW.

PLAN UNLESS YOU GIVE ME WRITTEN CONSENT TO BREAK THE LAW. GEE, I SURE WISH I COULD DO

CONSENT TO BREAK THE LAW. GEE, I SURE WISH I COULD DO THAT, BUT I CAN'T.

GEE, I SURE WISH I COULD DO THAT, BUT I CAN'T. THAT WOULD BE SURE GROUNDS FOR

THAT, BUT I CAN'T. THAT WOULD BE SURE GROUNDS FOR IMPEACHMENT.

THAT WOULD BE SURE GROUNDS FOR IMPEACHMENT. I MAY NOT BE FAST ON MY FEET,

IMPEACHMENT. I MAY NOT BE FAST ON MY FEET, BUT I'M NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO GET

I MAY NOT BE FAST ON MY FEET, BUT I'M NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO GET MYSELF THROWN OUT OF OFFICE.

BUT I'M NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO GET MYSELF THROWN OUT OF OFFICE. [SCOFFS] IT'D TAKE A REAL

MYSELF THROWN OUT OF OFFICE. [SCOFFS] IT'D TAKE A REAL IDIOT TO DO THAT.

[SCOFFS] IT'D TAKE A REAL IDIOT TO DO THAT. ALL RIGHT, NIXON, I CAN'T GO

IDIOT TO DO THAT. ALL RIGHT, NIXON, I CAN'T GO ALONG WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT, NIXON, I CAN'T GO ALONG WITH YOU. WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO

ALONG WITH YOU. WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, J. EDGAR, BUT I'M AFRAID

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, J. EDGAR, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU FORCED MY HAND.

THIS, J. EDGAR, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU FORCED MY HAND. THE WHITE HOUSE HAS PROOF THAT

YOU FORCED MY HAND. THE WHITE HOUSE HAS PROOF THAT YOU'RE A VIRGIN.

THE WHITE HOUSE HAS PROOF THAT YOU'RE A VIRGIN. YOU'RE BLUFFING, NIXON.

YOU'RE A VIRGIN. YOU'RE BLUFFING, NIXON. I AM?

YOU'RE BLUFFING, NIXON. I AM? THERE IS NO DEFINITIVE TEST

I AM? THERE IS NO DEFINITIVE TEST FOR DETERMINING A MAN'S

THERE IS NO DEFINITIVE TEST FOR DETERMINING A MAN'S VIRGINITY.

FOR DETERMINING A MAN'S VIRGINITY. WHAT THE HELL WAS LIDDY

VIRGINITY. WHAT THE HELL WAS LIDDY TALKING ABOUT, THEN?

WHAT THE HELL WAS LIDDY TALKING ABOUT, THEN? OH, YOU'RE REALLY AN IDIOT,

TALKING ABOUT, THEN? OH, YOU'RE REALLY AN IDIOT, NIXON.

OH, YOU'RE REALLY AN IDIOT, NIXON. BLACKMAILING ME IS LIKE TRYING

NIXON. BLACKMAILING ME IS LIKE TRYING TO BRIBE HOWARD HUGHES.

BLACKMAILING ME IS LIKE TRYING TO BRIBE HOWARD HUGHES. HEY, HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT

TO BRIBE HOWARD HUGHES. HEY, HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT CHINESE BROAD YOU BROUGHT INTO

HEY, HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT CHINESE BROAD YOU BROUGHT INTO WASHINGTON?

CHINESE BROAD YOU BROUGHT INTO WASHINGTON? SU-LI?

WASHINGTON? SU-LI? YEAH.

SU-LI? YEAH. LISTEN.

YEAH. LISTEN. SU-LI.

LISTEN. SU-LI. MR. PLESIDENT.

SU-LI. MR. PLESIDENT. SU-LI.

MR. PLESIDENT. SU-LI. OH, MR. PLESIDENT.

SU-LI. OH, MR. PLESIDENT. OH, SU-LI.

OH, MR. PLESIDENT. OH, SU-LI. [Moaning] MR. PLESIDENT.

OH, SU-LI. [Moaning] MR. PLESIDENT. THE MEETING'S OVER, NIXON.

[Moaning] MR. PLESIDENT. THE MEETING'S OVER, NIXON. GET LOST.

THE MEETING'S OVER, NIXON. GET LOST. COULD I HAVE THAT TAPE?

GET LOST. COULD I HAVE THAT TAPE? NO WAY, BUSTER.

COULD I HAVE THAT TAPE? NO WAY, BUSTER. HOW ABOUT A COPY?

NO WAY, BUSTER. HOW ABOUT A COPY? NO CHANCE.

HOW ABOUT A COPY? NO CHANCE. [SQUEALING]

NO CHANCE. [SQUEALING] [POUNDING ON WINDOW]

[SQUEALING] [POUNDING ON WINDOW] WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?

[POUNDING ON WINDOW] WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? OH! OH!

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? OH! OH! MR. HOOVER, WE FOUND HER

OH! OH! MR. HOOVER, WE FOUND HER SNEAKING AROUND IN THE BUSHES.

MR. HOOVER, WE FOUND HER SNEAKING AROUND IN THE BUSHES. JULIE!

SNEAKING AROUND IN THE BUSHES. JULIE! HAVE THEM KILLED, DADDY!

JULIE! HAVE THEM KILLED, DADDY! I CAN'T, PRINCESS, THEY'RE

HAVE THEM KILLED, DADDY! I CAN'T, PRINCESS, THEY'RE G-MEN.

I CAN'T, PRINCESS, THEY'RE G-MEN. BOYS, YOU GO AHEAD TO THE

G-MEN. BOYS, YOU GO AHEAD TO THE STEAM ROOM.

BOYS, YOU GO AHEAD TO THE STEAM ROOM. I'LL MEET YOU THERE IN ABOUT A

STEAM ROOM. I'LL MEET YOU THERE IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR.

I'LL MEET YOU THERE IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR. YES, SIR.

HALF-HOUR. YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

YES, SIR. YES, SIR. WELL, PRINCESS, LET'S CALL IT

YES, SIR. WELL, PRINCESS, LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT.

WELL, PRINCESS, LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE, NIXON, NIXON,

A NIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE, NIXON, NIXON, COME HERE, COME HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE, NIXON, NIXON, COME HERE, COME HERE. LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

COME HERE, COME HERE. LET ME LOOK AT YOU. YOU KNOW SOMETHING, IF YOU

LET ME LOOK AT YOU. YOU KNOW SOMETHING, IF YOU PARTED YOUR HAIR ON THE OTHER

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, IF YOU PARTED YOUR HAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE, YOU'D BE A PRETTY

PARTED YOUR HAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE, YOU'D BE A PRETTY NICE-LOOKING FELLA.

SIDE, YOU'D BE A PRETTY NICE-LOOKING FELLA. YOU REALLY THINK SO,

NICE-LOOKING FELLA. YOU REALLY THINK SO, J. EDGAR?

YOU REALLY THINK SO, J. EDGAR? YEAH.

J. EDGAR? YEAH. WELL, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

YEAH. WELL, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, HOOVER.

WELL, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, HOOVER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, HOOVER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS]

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE METERS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GENTLEMEN, THE METERS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS" PLAYS]

♪ LIKE TO BE A WRITER, SINGER ON FIRE ♪ ♪ ANYTHING I COULD DO TO SET MY

ON FIRE ♪ ♪ ANYTHING I COULD DO TO SET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ ANYTHING I COULD DO TO SET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I'D EVEN BE A SPOKESMAN ♪

NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I'D EVEN BE A SPOKESMAN ♪ ♪ OR JUST A PLAIN OLD JOKESMAN ♪

♪ I'D EVEN BE A SPOKESMAN ♪ ♪ OR JUST A PLAIN OLD JOKESMAN ♪ ♪ BET YOU'LL CRACK YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ OR JUST A PLAIN OLD JOKESMAN ♪ ♪ BET YOU'LL CRACK YOUR SIDE ♪ ♪ AND YOU'LL LAST ALL NIGHT ♪

♪ BET YOU'LL CRACK YOUR SIDE ♪ ♪ AND YOU'LL LAST ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ WANT TO BE NO BEGGAR ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL LAST ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ WANT TO BE NO BEGGAR ♪ ♪ CAN'T BE NO UNDERTAKER ♪

♪ WANT TO BE NO BEGGAR ♪ ♪ CAN'T BE NO UNDERTAKER ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT KIND OF THING JUST

♪ CAN'T BE NO UNDERTAKER ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT KIND OF THING JUST AIN'T RIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT KIND OF THING JUST AIN'T RIGHT ♪ ♪ HAH, HAH ♪

AIN'T RIGHT ♪ ♪ HAH, HAH ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT TO BE NO PREACHER ♪

♪ HAH, HAH ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT TO BE NO PREACHER ♪ ♪ OR JUST A PLAIN OLD TEACHER ♪

♪ DON'T WANT TO BE NO PREACHER ♪ ♪ OR JUST A PLAIN OLD TEACHER ♪ ♪ I ONLY WANT TO DO WHAT IS MY

♪ OR JUST A PLAIN OLD TEACHER ♪ ♪ I ONLY WANT TO DO WHAT IS MY NAME OF DELIGHT ♪

♪ I ONLY WANT TO DO WHAT IS MY NAME OF DELIGHT ♪ ♪ HAH ♪

NAME OF DELIGHT ♪ ♪ HAH ♪ ♪ I GOT FAME OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ HAH ♪ ♪ I GOT FAME OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

♪ I GOT FAME OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ HIT IT!

♪ OOH ♪

OW!

♪ I CAN'T BE NO GOVERNMENT WORKER ♪ ♪ I CAN'T BE NO SODA JERKER ♪

WORKER ♪ ♪ I CAN'T BE NO SODA JERKER ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT KIND OF LIFE IS

♪ I CAN'T BE NO SODA JERKER ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT KIND OF LIFE IS NOT FOR ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT KIND OF LIFE IS NOT FOR ME ♪ ♪ HAH ♪

NOT FOR ME ♪ ♪ HAH ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT TO BE NO SHIP OR

♪ HAH ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT TO BE NO SHIP OR JUST ANOTHER SAILOR ♪

♪ DON'T WANT TO BE NO SHIP OR JUST ANOTHER SAILOR ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WHAT I WANT CAN'T BE

JUST ANOTHER SAILOR ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WHAT I WANT CAN'T BE FOUND IN THE SEA ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHAT I WANT CAN'T BE FOUND IN THE SEA ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

FOUND IN THE SEA ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ HAH ♪

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ HAH ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

♪ HAH ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ HAH ♪

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ HAH ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

♪ HAH ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ GOOD GOD, I GOT TO GET MY

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ GOOD GOD, I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪

♪ GOOD GOD, I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪

LIGHTS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS ♪ [MUSIC ENDS]

LIGHTS ♪ [MUSIC ENDS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS]

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR ALL COMING TO SEE THE SHOW, AND I'D LIKE TO

AND GENTLEMEN, FOR ALL COMING TO SEE THE SHOW, AND I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU OUT THERE FOR

SEE THE SHOW, AND I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU OUT THERE FOR WATCHING, BUT, MOST OF ALL, I'D

THANK ALL OF YOU OUT THERE FOR WATCHING, BUT, MOST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO THANK THIS WONDERFUL

WATCHING, BUT, MOST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO THANK THIS WONDERFUL CAST FOR MAKING ALL THIS

LIKE TO THANK THIS WONDERFUL CAST FOR MAKING ALL THIS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SO MUCH

CAST FOR MAKING ALL THIS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN.

POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN. GOD BLESS YOU.

FUN. GOD BLESS YOU. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: FILM PRODUCTION

SERVICES BY JAMES SIGNORELLI FOR

SHOOTING STAR PRODUCTION.

NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, OUR HOST

WILL BE JACK BURNS WITH MUSICAL

GUEST SANTANA.

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS DON PARDO

REMINDING YOU THAT TOMORROW IS

THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING, SO EAT

A ROBIN FOR LUNCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]