Original subtitles

OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER. AFTER THE SHOW, HUH? OH, HELLO, STEVE.

AFTER THE SHOW, HUH? OH, HELLO, STEVE. GILDA, HOW YOU DOING?

OH, HELLO, STEVE. GILDA, HOW YOU DOING? I'M JUST GREAT.

GILDA, HOW YOU DOING? I'M JUST GREAT. YOU KNOW, STEVE, I FEEL KIND OF

I'M JUST GREAT. YOU KNOW, STEVE, I FEEL KIND OF BAD.

YOU KNOW, STEVE, I FEEL KIND OF BAD. I HAVEN'T SEEN AS MUCH OF YOU AS

BAD. I HAVEN'T SEEN AS MUCH OF YOU AS I DID THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON

I HAVEN'T SEEN AS MUCH OF YOU AS I DID THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON THE SHOW.

I DID THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON THE SHOW. WELL, WE'VE BEEN PRETTY BUSY

THE SHOW. WELL, WE'VE BEEN PRETTY BUSY WITH THE SHOW.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN PRETTY BUSY WITH THE SHOW. YOU KNOW THAT.

WITH THE SHOW. YOU KNOW THAT. RIGHT.

YOU KNOW THAT. RIGHT. HEY, COME ON.

RIGHT. HEY, COME ON. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

HEY, COME ON. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? I DON'T KNOW. I THINK YOU'VE CHANGED A LITTLE

I DON'T KNOW. I THINK YOU'VE CHANGED A LITTLE BIT SINCE YOU WERE ON "THE

I THINK YOU'VE CHANGED A LITTLE BIT SINCE YOU WERE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW."

BIT SINCE YOU WERE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW." WHAT?

TONIGHT SHOW." WHAT? ME, CHANGE?

WHAT? ME, CHANGE? JUST BECAUSE I GUEST-HOSTED

ME, CHANGE? JUST BECAUSE I GUEST-HOSTED "THE TONIGHT SHOW"?

JUST BECAUSE I GUEST-HOSTED "THE TONIGHT SHOW"? GUEST-HOSTED, RIGHT.

"THE TONIGHT SHOW"? GUEST-HOSTED, RIGHT. WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE ON THE ROAD

GUEST-HOSTED, RIGHT. WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE ON THE ROAD AND EVERYTHING.

WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE ON THE ROAD AND EVERYTHING. WELL, YOU KNOW, SHOW BUSINESS

AND EVERYTHING. WELL, YOU KNOW, SHOW BUSINESS IS MY LIFE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, SHOW BUSINESS IS MY LIFE. WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE?

IS MY LIFE. WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE? WELL, UH... I GUESS YOUR LIFE

WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE? WELL, UH... I GUESS YOUR LIFE IS RUINED.

WELL, UH... I GUESS YOUR LIFE IS RUINED. I MEAN, YOU KNEW I WAS A

IS RUINED. I MEAN, YOU KNEW I WAS A RAMBLIN' GUY WHEN YOU GOT

I MEAN, YOU KNEW I WAS A RAMBLIN' GUY WHEN YOU GOT INVOLVED.

RAMBLIN' GUY WHEN YOU GOT INVOLVED. WELL, YOU COULD HAVE CALLED

INVOLVED. WELL, YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME OR SOMETHING.

WELL, YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME OR SOMETHING. WELL, I DID CALL YOU.

ME OR SOMETHING. WELL, I DID CALL YOU. I LEFT THE NAME OF THE LOTION ON

WELL, I DID CALL YOU. I LEFT THE NAME OF THE LOTION ON YOUR ANSWERING SERVICE!

I LEFT THE NAME OF THE LOTION ON YOUR ANSWERING SERVICE! WAS THAT YOU?!

YOUR ANSWERING SERVICE! WAS THAT YOU?! YEAH!

WAS THAT YOU?! YEAH! DID THE LOTION WORK OKAY?

YEAH! DID THE LOTION WORK OKAY? OH, YEAH! THANK YOU!

DID THE LOTION WORK OKAY? OH, YEAH! THANK YOU! OKAY, THEN.

OH, YEAH! THANK YOU! OKAY, THEN. NO PROBLEM, THEN.

OKAY, THEN. NO PROBLEM, THEN. RIGHT, RIGHT.

NO PROBLEM, THEN. RIGHT, RIGHT. HEY, UH, LISTEN.

RIGHT, RIGHT. HEY, UH, LISTEN. THIS GIRL LIKES TO CRASH EARLY.

HEY, UH, LISTEN. THIS GIRL LIKES TO CRASH EARLY. SO, MAYBE I COULD COME OVER TO

THIS GIRL LIKES TO CRASH EARLY. SO, MAYBE I COULD COME OVER TO YOUR PLACE ABOUT, UH, THREE?

SO, MAYBE I COULD COME OVER TO YOUR PLACE ABOUT, UH, THREE? SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YOUR PLACE ABOUT, UH, THREE? SOMETHING LIKE THAT? THREE?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT? THREE? UH... WELL, OKAY, OKAY.

THREE? UH... WELL, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, GREAT!

UH... WELL, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, GREAT! HEY, CIAO, BABY!

OKAY, GREAT! HEY, CIAO, BABY! [CHUCKLES]

HEY, CIAO, BABY! [CHUCKLES] "CIAO, BABY?"

[CHUCKLES] "CIAO, BABY?" HEY, COMPADRES, MUCHACHOS!

"CIAO, BABY?" HEY, COMPADRES, MUCHACHOS! HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDIES?

HEY, COMPADRES, MUCHACHOS! HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDIES? WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE...

HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDIES? WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE... MR. BIG-TIME SHOW BUSINESS

WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE... MR. BIG-TIME SHOW BUSINESS HIMSELF!

MR. BIG-TIME SHOW BUSINESS HIMSELF! YEAH, MR. HOST OF

HIMSELF! YEAH, MR. HOST OF "THE TONIGHT SHOW."

YEAH, MR. HOST OF "THE TONIGHT SHOW." GUEST HOST.

"THE TONIGHT SHOW." GUEST HOST. GUEST HOST ONCE... BIG DEAL.

GUEST HOST. GUEST HOST ONCE... BIG DEAL. STEVE, UH, I WASN'T HERE THE

GUEST HOST ONCE... BIG DEAL. STEVE, UH, I WASN'T HERE THE LAST TIME YOU DID THE SHOW, BUT

STEVE, UH, I WASN'T HERE THE LAST TIME YOU DID THE SHOW, BUT FROM WHAT I HEAR, I DON'T THINK

LAST TIME YOU DID THE SHOW, BUT FROM WHAT I HEAR, I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH.

FROM WHAT I HEAR, I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH. HEY, UH, WHAT'S TROUBLING YOU

I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH. HEY, UH, WHAT'S TROUBLING YOU GUYS?

HEY, UH, WHAT'S TROUBLING YOU GUYS? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

GUYS? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, I COME OUT HERE TO DO

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, I COME OUT HERE TO DO THE SHOW, AND YOU ACT LIKE I'M

I MEAN, I COME OUT HERE TO DO THE SHOW, AND YOU ACT LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF JACK THE RIPPER.

THE SHOW, AND YOU ACT LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF JACK THE RIPPER. WHAT'S THE DEAL?

SOME KIND OF JACK THE RIPPER. WHAT'S THE DEAL? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH

WHAT'S THE DEAL? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH HERE? OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU.

HERE? OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO GILDA.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO GILDA. WE THINK YOU GOT OFF PRETTY

GILDA. WE THINK YOU GOT OFF PRETTY EASY.

WE THINK YOU GOT OFF PRETTY EASY. HEY, IS THAT ALL?

EASY. HEY, IS THAT ALL? COME ON, YOU GUYS ARE GUYS!

HEY, IS THAT ALL? COME ON, YOU GUYS ARE GUYS! YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS!

COME ON, YOU GUYS ARE GUYS! YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS! HEY, MAN, THAT HAS NOTHING TO

YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS! HEY, MAN, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, MAN!

HEY, MAN, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, MAN! YOU'VE RUINED THE REPUTATION OF

DO WITH IT, MAN! YOU'VE RUINED THE REPUTATION OF A NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

YOU'VE RUINED THE REPUTATION OF A NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER, BABY.

A NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER, BABY. WELL, EXCU-U-U-U-U-SE ME!

PLAYER, BABY. WELL, EXCU-U-U-U-U-SE ME! I'M GONNA RIP HIS FACE OFF!!

WELL, EXCU-U-U-U-U-SE ME! I'M GONNA RIP HIS FACE OFF!! I SWEAR TO GOD!!

I'M GONNA RIP HIS FACE OFF!! I SWEAR TO GOD!! HE'S GOT A SHOW TO DO, MAN!

I SWEAR TO GOD!! HE'S GOT A SHOW TO DO, MAN! YOU GET HIM BLOODY, WE'LL RUIN

HE'S GOT A SHOW TO DO, MAN! YOU GET HIM BLOODY, WE'LL RUIN HIS PRETTY COAT, OKAY?

YOU GET HIM BLOODY, WE'LL RUIN HIS PRETTY COAT, OKAY? HEY, LET ME TELL YOU GUYS

HIS PRETTY COAT, OKAY? HEY, LET ME TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING.

HEY, LET ME TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING. I COME DOWN HERE, I'M GOING ON

SOMETHING. I COME DOWN HERE, I'M GOING ON THE AIR AND EVERYTHING, AND YOU

I COME DOWN HERE, I'M GOING ON THE AIR AND EVERYTHING, AND YOU COME OUT HERE AND TRY TO MAKE IT

THE AIR AND EVERYTHING, AND YOU COME OUT HERE AND TRY TO MAKE IT LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF BAD GUY OR

COME OUT HERE AND TRY TO MAKE IT LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF BAD GUY OR SOMETHING.

LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF BAD GUY OR SOMETHING. I JUST HAD A LONG, LONG,

SOMETHING. I JUST HAD A LONG, LONG, PERSONAL TALK WITH GILDA, KIND

I JUST HAD A LONG, LONG, PERSONAL TALK WITH GILDA, KIND OF SMOOTH THINGS OVER, OKAY?

PERSONAL TALK WITH GILDA, KIND OF SMOOTH THINGS OVER, OKAY? SO, LOOK.

OF SMOOTH THINGS OVER, OKAY? SO, LOOK. I DON'T NEED YOU, AND YOU DON'T

SO, LOOK. I DON'T NEED YOU, AND YOU DON'T NEED ME!

I DON'T NEED YOU, AND YOU DON'T NEED ME! I'M GONNA TAKE A HIKE!

NEED ME! I'M GONNA TAKE A HIKE! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

I'M GONNA TAKE A HIKE! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY. I THINK I'LL RAMBLE!

I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY. I THINK I'LL RAMBLE! HEY, GOOD LUCK WITH THE OPENING,

I THINK I'LL RAMBLE! HEY, GOOD LUCK WITH THE OPENING, BELUSHI!

HEY, GOOD LUCK WITH THE OPENING, BELUSHI! BE SEEING YOU!

BELUSHI! BE SEEING YOU! YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

BE SEEING YOU! YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU DO THAT OPENING.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU DO THAT OPENING. HEY, NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO

UNTIL YOU DO THAT OPENING. HEY, NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!

HEY, NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! YEAH?!

DO! YEAH?! NOW SAY IT, PAL!

YEAH?! NOW SAY IT, PAL! I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT!

NOW SAY IT, PAL! I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT! SAY IT!

I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT! SAY IT! LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SAY IT! LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVE MARTIN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN NOW, EH, KIDS? [LAUGHTER]

NOW, EH, KIDS? [LAUGHTER] EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHTER] EXCUSE ME. SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET

EXCUSE ME. SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET SOME ON YOU THERE.

SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET SOME ON YOU THERE. WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN... HEY!

SOME ON YOU THERE. WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN... HEY! EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN... HEY! EXCUSE ME. ALL RIGHT!

EXCUSE ME. ALL RIGHT! HEY, YOU GET TO SEE A SHOW.

ALL RIGHT! HEY, YOU GET TO SEE A SHOW. ALL I HAVE ARE MEMORIES.

HEY, YOU GET TO SEE A SHOW. ALL I HAVE ARE MEMORIES. I PAID 900 BUCKS FOR THIS.

ALL I HAVE ARE MEMORIES. I PAID 900 BUCKS FOR THIS. THAT TOO MUCH?

I PAID 900 BUCKS FOR THIS. THAT TOO MUCH? I DON'T KNOW.

THAT TOO MUCH? I DON'T KNOW. OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW. OKAY. WE'RE MOVING!

OKAY. WE'RE MOVING! I TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'RE MOVING! I TELL YOU WHAT. LET'S RIP THE PLACE APART!

I TELL YOU WHAT. LET'S RIP THE PLACE APART! SORRY, FOLKS.

LET'S RIP THE PLACE APART! SORRY, FOLKS. OKAY, WE'LL BE STARTING IN JUST

SORRY, FOLKS. OKAY, WE'LL BE STARTING IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS.

OKAY, WE'LL BE STARTING IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS. JUST WAITING FOR THE DRUGS TO

A FEW MOMENTS. JUST WAITING FOR THE DRUGS TO TAKE EFFECT.

JUST WAITING FOR THE DRUGS TO TAKE EFFECT. AND THEN...

TAKE EFFECT. AND THEN... AH!

AND THEN... AH! OKAY, THERE WE GO!

AH! OKAY, THERE WE GO! UH-OH!

OKAY, THERE WE GO! UH-OH! I'M GETTING HAPPY FEET!

UH-OH! I'M GETTING HAPPY FEET! [LAUGHTER]

I'M GETTING HAPPY FEET! [LAUGHTER] EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHTER] EXCUSE ME. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THAT

EXCUSE ME. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THAT HAPPENS.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THAT HAPPENS. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT WHEN

HAPPENS. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT WHEN IT...

I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT WHEN IT... SORRY.

IT... SORRY. OKAY, WE'RE MOVING ALONG NOW.

SORRY. OKAY, WE'RE MOVING ALONG NOW. YOU KNOW... OOH!

OKAY, WE'RE MOVING ALONG NOW. YOU KNOW... OOH! [LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW... OOH! [LAUGHTER] I DON'T LIKE TO GET SERIOUS WITH

[LAUGHTER] I DON'T LIKE TO GET SERIOUS WITH THE OPENING OF THE SHOW.

I DON'T LIKE TO GET SERIOUS WITH THE OPENING OF THE SHOW. YOU PROBABLY HEARD I WAS INTO

THE OPENING OF THE SHOW. YOU PROBABLY HEARD I WAS INTO THE COMEDY THING, BUT I'M KIND

YOU PROBABLY HEARD I WAS INTO THE COMEDY THING, BUT I'M KIND OF GETTING OUT OF THAT NOW AND

THE COMEDY THING, BUT I'M KIND OF GETTING OUT OF THAT NOW AND GETTING MORE INTO MUSIC.

OF GETTING OUT OF THAT NOW AND GETTING MORE INTO MUSIC. I'D LIKE TO OPEN THE SHOW WITH

GETTING MORE INTO MUSIC. I'D LIKE TO OPEN THE SHOW WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE KINDS OF

I'D LIKE TO OPEN THE SHOW WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE KINDS OF TUNES.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE KINDS OF TUNES. THIS IS A TRADITIONAL

TUNES. THIS IS A TRADITIONAL AMERICAN INDIAN FOLK SONG.

THIS IS A TRADITIONAL AMERICAN INDIAN FOLK SONG. NOW I REALIZE WE'RE ON TV.

AMERICAN INDIAN FOLK SONG. NOW I REALIZE WE'RE ON TV. I CAN'T JUST COME OUT HERE AND

NOW I REALIZE WE'RE ON TV. I CAN'T JUST COME OUT HERE AND SING ONE OF THE GREAT TUNES...

I CAN'T JUST COME OUT HERE AND SING ONE OF THE GREAT TUNES... ONE OF MY FAVORITES... AND HAVE

SING ONE OF THE GREAT TUNES... ONE OF MY FAVORITES... AND HAVE PEOPLE GET INTO IT THE SAME WAY

ONE OF MY FAVORITES... AND HAVE PEOPLE GET INTO IT THE SAME WAY I HAVE.

PEOPLE GET INTO IT THE SAME WAY I HAVE. SO WHAT I'VE DONE, I'VE JAZZED

I HAVE. SO WHAT I'VE DONE, I'VE JAZZED IT UP A LITTLE BIT FOR TV.

SO WHAT I'VE DONE, I'VE JAZZED IT UP A LITTLE BIT FOR TV. BASICALLY, I KEPT IT VERY

IT UP A LITTLE BIT FOR TV. BASICALLY, I KEPT IT VERY TRADITIONAL, BUT I THINK YOU'RE

BASICALLY, I KEPT IT VERY TRADITIONAL, BUT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIG THIS.

TRADITIONAL, BUT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIG THIS. SO HERE WE GO.

GONNA DIG THIS. SO HERE WE GO. [CHANTING]

♪ WHOA WHOA WHOA ♪ [CHANTING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHANTING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ LITTLE GIRL ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ LITTLE GIRL ♪ OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

♪ LITTLE GIRL ♪ OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU.

OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE] EXCUSE ME!

[APPLAUSE] EXCUSE ME! I FEEL GOOD TONIGHT, BECAUSE

EXCUSE ME! I FEEL GOOD TONIGHT, BECAUSE WELL, I'VE FINALLY GOT A GOAL IN

I FEEL GOOD TONIGHT, BECAUSE WELL, I'VE FINALLY GOT A GOAL IN LIFE, AND THAT'S WHAT PLEASES

WELL, I'VE FINALLY GOT A GOAL IN LIFE, AND THAT'S WHAT PLEASES ME, TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A GOAL,

LIFE, AND THAT'S WHAT PLEASES ME, TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A GOAL, AND THIS IS WHY I'M SO HAPPY,

ME, TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A GOAL, AND THIS IS WHY I'M SO HAPPY, BECAUSE, SEE, IT'S IMPORTANT...

AND THIS IS WHY I'M SO HAPPY, BECAUSE, SEE, IT'S IMPORTANT... THE THING YOU HAVE TO LEARN, IN

BECAUSE, SEE, IT'S IMPORTANT... THE THING YOU HAVE TO LEARN, IN HAVING A GOAL, IS NOT TO SET AN

THE THING YOU HAVE TO LEARN, IN HAVING A GOAL, IS NOT TO SET AN IMPOSSIBLE GOAL, SOMETHING TOO

HAVING A GOAL, IS NOT TO SET AN IMPOSSIBLE GOAL, SOMETHING TOO HIGH YOU CAN NEVER REACH.

IMPOSSIBLE GOAL, SOMETHING TOO HIGH YOU CAN NEVER REACH. YOU GOT TO HAVE A SERIES OF

HIGH YOU CAN NEVER REACH. YOU GOT TO HAVE A SERIES OF SMALLER GOALS THAT YOU CAN

YOU GOT TO HAVE A SERIES OF SMALLER GOALS THAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH AND SLOWLY WORK YOUR

SMALLER GOALS THAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH AND SLOWLY WORK YOUR WAY UP.

ACCOMPLISH AND SLOWLY WORK YOUR WAY UP. AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DONE.

WAY UP. AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DONE. THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPY.

AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DONE. THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPY. MY GOAL... RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO

THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPY. MY GOAL... RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO BE THE ALL-BEING MASTER OF TIME,

MY GOAL... RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO BE THE ALL-BEING MASTER OF TIME, SPACE, AND DIMENSION.

BE THE ALL-BEING MASTER OF TIME, SPACE, AND DIMENSION. [LAUGHTER]

SPACE, AND DIMENSION. [LAUGHTER] THEN, I WANT TO GO TO EUROPE, I

[LAUGHTER] THEN, I WANT TO GO TO EUROPE, I THINK.

THEN, I WANT TO GO TO EUROPE, I THINK. I MENTIONED EARLIER IN THE SHOW

THINK. I MENTIONED EARLIER IN THE SHOW THE DRUG JOKE, AND I HATE TO DO

I MENTIONED EARLIER IN THE SHOW THE DRUG JOKE, AND I HATE TO DO THAT, 'CAUSE IT CREATES A MESS,

THE DRUG JOKE, AND I HATE TO DO THAT, 'CAUSE IT CREATES A MESS, AND I'M NOT INTO DRUGS ANYMORE.

THAT, 'CAUSE IT CREATES A MESS, AND I'M NOT INTO DRUGS ANYMORE. I QUIT COMPLETELY, AND I HATE

AND I'M NOT INTO DRUGS ANYMORE. I QUIT COMPLETELY, AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL INTO IT.

I QUIT COMPLETELY, AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL INTO IT. BUT I DO TAKE ONE DRUG NOW, FOR

PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL INTO IT. BUT I DO TAKE ONE DRUG NOW, FOR FUN, AND MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF

BUT I DO TAKE ONE DRUG NOW, FOR FUN, AND MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT.

FUN, AND MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT. IT'S A NEW THING.

IT. IT'S A NEW THING. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE OR NOT.

IT'S A NEW THING. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE OR NOT. IT'S A NEW THING.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE OR NOT. IT'S A NEW THING. IT MAKES YOU SMALL... ABOUT THIS

IT'S A NEW THING. IT MAKES YOU SMALL... ABOUT THIS BIG.

IT MAKES YOU SMALL... ABOUT THIS BIG. AND, YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HOME,

BIG. AND, YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HOME, SITTING WITH MY FRIENDS, AND

AND, YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HOME, SITTING WITH MY FRIENDS, AND WE'LL BE SITTING AROUND, AND

SITTING WITH MY FRIENDS, AND WE'LL BE SITTING AROUND, AND SOMEBODY WILL SAY, "HEY...

WE'LL BE SITTING AROUND, AND SOMEBODY WILL SAY, "HEY... LET'S GET SMALL."

SOMEBODY WILL SAY, "HEY... LET'S GET SMALL." [LAUGHTER]

LET'S GET SMALL." [LAUGHTER] SO, YOU KNOW, WE GET SMALL, AND

[LAUGHTER] SO, YOU KNOW, WE GET SMALL, AND THE ONLY BAD THING IS IF SOME

SO, YOU KNOW, WE GET SMALL, AND THE ONLY BAD THING IS IF SOME TALL PEOPLE COME OVER.

THE ONLY BAD THING IS IF SOME TALL PEOPLE COME OVER. YOU'RE WALKING AROUND GOING,

TALL PEOPLE COME OVER. YOU'RE WALKING AROUND GOING, "HUH-HUH-HUH."

YOU'RE WALKING AROUND GOING, "HUH-HUH-HUH." NOW I KNOW I SHOULDN'T GET SMALL

"HUH-HUH-HUH." NOW I KNOW I SHOULDN'T GET SMALL WHEN I'M DRIVING.

NOW I KNOW I SHOULDN'T GET SMALL WHEN I'M DRIVING. [LAUGHTER]

WHEN I'M DRIVING. [LAUGHTER] BUT I WAS DRIVING AROUND THE

[LAUGHTER] BUT I WAS DRIVING AROUND THE OTHER DAY, AND I SAID, "WHAT THE

BUT I WAS DRIVING AROUND THE OTHER DAY, AND I SAID, "WHAT THE HECK?"

OTHER DAY, AND I SAID, "WHAT THE HECK?" YOU KNOW?

HECK?" YOU KNOW? SO I'M DRIVING, GOING...

YOU KNOW? SO I'M DRIVING, GOING... [LAUGHTER]

SO I'M DRIVING, GOING... [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND A COP PULLS ME OVER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND A COP PULLS ME OVER. AND HE MAKES ME GET OUT.

AND A COP PULLS ME OVER. AND HE MAKES ME GET OUT. HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE SAYS,

AND HE MAKES ME GET OUT. HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE SAYS, "HEY, ARE YOU SMALL?"

HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE SAYS, "HEY, ARE YOU SMALL?" I SAID, "NO! I'M NOT!"

"HEY, ARE YOU SMALL?" I SAID, "NO! I'M NOT!" HE SAID, "WELL, I'M GONNA HAVE

I SAID, "NO! I'M NOT!" HE SAID, "WELL, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MEASURE YOU."

HE SAID, "WELL, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MEASURE YOU." [LAUGHTER]

TO MEASURE YOU." [LAUGHTER] AND THEY HAVE THIS LITTLE TEST

[LAUGHTER] AND THEY HAVE THIS LITTLE TEST THEY GIVE YOU.

AND THEY HAVE THIS LITTLE TEST THEY GIVE YOU. THEY GIVE YOU A BALLOON.

THEY GIVE YOU. THEY GIVE YOU A BALLOON. AND IF YOU CAN GET INSIDE OF IT,

THEY GIVE YOU A BALLOON. AND IF YOU CAN GET INSIDE OF IT, THEY KNOW YOU'RE SMALL.

AND IF YOU CAN GET INSIDE OF IT, THEY KNOW YOU'RE SMALL. NOW I'VE ALREADY TALKED IT OVER

THEY KNOW YOU'RE SMALL. NOW I'VE ALREADY TALKED IT OVER WITH THE CAST.

NOW I'VE ALREADY TALKED IT OVER WITH THE CAST. THEY'VE BEEN WORKING ALL WEEK.

WITH THE CAST. THEY'VE BEEN WORKING ALL WEEK. IT'S A TOUGH THING TO DO, COME

THEY'VE BEEN WORKING ALL WEEK. IT'S A TOUGH THING TO DO, COME OUT HERE LIVE.

IT'S A TOUGH THING TO DO, COME OUT HERE LIVE. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SHOW,

OUT HERE LIVE. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SHOW, WE'RE ALL GONNA GO OUT AND GET

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SHOW, WE'RE ALL GONNA GO OUT AND GET REALLY SMALL!

WE'RE ALL GONNA GO OUT AND GET REALLY SMALL! OKAY, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW

REALLY SMALL! OKAY, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.

OKAY, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. LILY TOMLIN, SPECIAL GUEST.

TONIGHT. LILY TOMLIN, SPECIAL GUEST. THE KINKS.

LILY TOMLIN, SPECIAL GUEST. THE KINKS. AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

THE KINKS. AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS... JOHN BELUSHI,

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS... JOHN BELUSHI, DAN AYKROYD, GARRETT...

PLAYERS... JOHN BELUSHI, DAN AYKROYD, GARRETT... SO, WE'LL BE BACK IN JUST A

DAN AYKROYD, GARRETT... SO, WE'LL BE BACK IN JUST A MOMENT.

SO, WE'LL BE BACK IN JUST A MOMENT. THANKS A LOT!

MOMENT. THANKS A LOT! GOOD NIGHT!

THANKS A LOT! GOOD NIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD MORNING, DEAR. HOW WAS YOUR SLEEP PHASE? SUFFICIENT!

HOW WAS YOUR SLEEP PHASE? SUFFICIENT! AND YOURS?

SUFFICIENT! AND YOURS? I DREAMT OF THE GELATIN POOLS

AND YOURS? I DREAMT OF THE GELATIN POOLS ON OUR HOME PLANET, REMULAK.

I DREAMT OF THE GELATIN POOLS ON OUR HOME PLANET, REMULAK. [BLARING]

ON OUR HOME PLANET, REMULAK. [BLARING] MMM... YOU HAVE STIMULATED ME!

[BLARING] MMM... YOU HAVE STIMULATED ME! LET US RETURN TO THE SLEEP

MMM... YOU HAVE STIMULATED ME! LET US RETURN TO THE SLEEP CHAMBER IMMEDIATELY!

LET US RETURN TO THE SLEEP CHAMBER IMMEDIATELY! GOOD MORNING, PARENTAL UNITS.

CHAMBER IMMEDIATELY! GOOD MORNING, PARENTAL UNITS. I MUST INFORM YOU NOW THAT I

GOOD MORNING, PARENTAL UNITS. I MUST INFORM YOU NOW THAT I WILL NOT BE HOME FROM SCHOOL

I MUST INFORM YOU NOW THAT I WILL NOT BE HOME FROM SCHOOL TONIGHT.

WILL NOT BE HOME FROM SCHOOL TONIGHT. YOUR CONE! UNACCEPTABLE!

TONIGHT. YOUR CONE! UNACCEPTABLE! UNDESIRABLE! UNACCEPTABLE!

YOUR CONE! UNACCEPTABLE! UNDESIRABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! OH, COME ON, DAD!

UNDESIRABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! OH, COME ON, DAD! I HAVE ALTERED MY CONE FOR

OH, COME ON, DAD! I HAVE ALTERED MY CONE FOR TONIGHT.

I HAVE ALTERED MY CONE FOR TONIGHT. I'M ATTENDING A CONCERT OF A

TONIGHT. I'M ATTENDING A CONCERT OF A POPULAR MUSIC GROUP, CALLED

I'M ATTENDING A CONCERT OF A POPULAR MUSIC GROUP, CALLED PETER FRAMPTON.

POPULAR MUSIC GROUP, CALLED PETER FRAMPTON. FOR SOME REASON, I AM THE ONLY

PETER FRAMPTON. FOR SOME REASON, I AM THE ONLY GIRL WHO CAN GET BACKSTAGE.

FOR SOME REASON, I AM THE ONLY GIRL WHO CAN GET BACKSTAGE. I CANNOT COMPREHEND THOSE

GIRL WHO CAN GET BACKSTAGE. I CANNOT COMPREHEND THOSE IRREGULAR SOUND PATTERNS THAT

I CANNOT COMPREHEND THOSE IRREGULAR SOUND PATTERNS THAT YOU ENJOY.

IRREGULAR SOUND PATTERNS THAT YOU ENJOY. NOW, THE VIBRA ORBS OF

YOU ENJOY. NOW, THE VIBRA ORBS OF REMULAK... THAT WAS MUSIC.

NOW, THE VIBRA ORBS OF REMULAK... THAT WAS MUSIC. YES.

REMULAK... THAT WAS MUSIC. YES. OH, DADDY, I HATE SCHOOL SO

YES. OH, DADDY, I HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH.

OH, DADDY, I HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH. I HAVE ABSORBED ALL THE

MUCH. I HAVE ABSORBED ALL THE KNOWLEDGE THERE IS TO KNOW.

I HAVE ABSORBED ALL THE KNOWLEDGE THERE IS TO KNOW. WHEN WILL THE STAR CRUISERS COME

KNOWLEDGE THERE IS TO KNOW. WHEN WILL THE STAR CRUISERS COME TO TAKE US OFF THIS PLANET?

WHEN WILL THE STAR CRUISERS COME TO TAKE US OFF THIS PLANET? HEAR ME, YOUNG ONE.

HEAR ME, YOUNG ONE. YOU ARE PRIVILEGED.

YOU ARE PRIVILEGED. WHEN I WAS A SMALL CONE, MY

WHEN I WAS A SMALL CONE, MY FAMILY LIVED IN AN ISOLATED

FAMILY LIVED IN AN ISOLATED QUADRANT.

QUADRANT. I HAD TO WALK TEN DEXTRONS,

I HAD TO WALK TEN DEXTRONS, KNEE-DEEP IN FARLITE CRYSTALS

KNEE-DEEP IN FARLITE CRYSTALS EACH DAY, TO A LITTLE, RED

EACH DAY, TO A LITTLE, RED ONE-ROOM DATA CENTER!

ONE-ROOM DATA CENTER! I'LL NEVER FORGET MY FIRST

I'LL NEVER FORGET MY FIRST PROGRAMMER, MISS MORLAX.

PROGRAMMER, MISS MORLAX. I WONDER IF HER LIFE FUNCTIONS

I WONDER IF HER LIFE FUNCTIONS ARE STILL ACTIVE.

ARE STILL ACTIVE. [DOORBELL RINGS] I HAVE TO SPLIT.

[DOORBELL RINGS] I HAVE TO SPLIT. I WILL RESPOND TO THE DOOR

I HAVE TO SPLIT. I WILL RESPOND TO THE DOOR SIGNAL.

I WILL RESPOND TO THE DOOR SIGNAL. ALLOW THE HUMAN TO ENTER.

SIGNAL. ALLOW THE HUMAN TO ENTER. RETURN AT THE PREDETERMINED

ALLOW THE HUMAN TO ENTER. RETURN AT THE PREDETERMINED TIME COORDINATES.

RETURN AT THE PREDETERMINED TIME COORDINATES. I WILL TRY.

TIME COORDINATES. I WILL TRY. GREETINGS. ENTER.

I WILL TRY. GREETINGS. ENTER. MY NAME IS CONNIE.

GREETINGS. ENTER. MY NAME IS CONNIE. I THINK YOU'RE CUTE.

MY NAME IS CONNIE. I THINK YOU'RE CUTE. UH, IS THIS THE, UH...

I THINK YOU'RE CUTE. UH, IS THIS THE, UH... CON-ED RESIDENCE?

UH, IS THIS THE, UH... CON-ED RESIDENCE? CONEHEAD!

CON-ED RESIDENCE? CONEHEAD! THE NAME IS CONEHEAD!

CONEHEAD! THE NAME IS CONEHEAD! PLEASE IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

THE NAME IS CONEHEAD! PLEASE IDENTIFY YOURSELF. I'M ELI TURNBULL OF THE

PLEASE IDENTIFY YOURSELF. I'M ELI TURNBULL OF THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.

I'M ELI TURNBULL OF THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE. I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS I HAVE TO

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE. I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS I HAVE TO ASK YOU HERE.

I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS I HAVE TO ASK YOU HERE. VERY WELL. SIT!

ASK YOU HERE. VERY WELL. SIT! YOU SEE, MR. CONEHEAD,

VERY WELL. SIT! YOU SEE, MR. CONEHEAD, ACCORDING TO OUR RECORDS, YOU'VE

YOU SEE, MR. CONEHEAD, ACCORDING TO OUR RECORDS, YOU'VE ONLY, UM...

ACCORDING TO OUR RECORDS, YOU'VE ONLY, UM... YOU'VE ONLY BEEN FILING SINCE

ONLY, UM... YOU'VE ONLY BEEN FILING SINCE 1968.

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN FILING SINCE 1968. AHH!

1968. AHH! THE MORNING MEAL!

AHH! THE MORNING MEAL! SHREDDED SWINE FLESH...

THE MORNING MEAL! SHREDDED SWINE FLESH... AND FRIED CHICKEN EMBRYOS.

SHREDDED SWINE FLESH... AND FRIED CHICKEN EMBRYOS. BEER.

AND FRIED CHICKEN EMBRYOS. BEER. DRY CITRUS.

BEER. DRY CITRUS. BACON AND EGGS.

DRY CITRUS. BACON AND EGGS. MMM...

I... I GUESS YOU FOLKS ARE REALLY INTO BREAKFAST! VISITOR, WE ADVISE YOU TO

REALLY INTO BREAKFAST! VISITOR, WE ADVISE YOU TO CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES OF FOOD.

VISITOR, WE ADVISE YOU TO CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES OF FOOD. HEY, HEY, THAT'S OKAY.

CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES OF FOOD. HEY, HEY, THAT'S OKAY. MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD, I'M JUST

HEY, HEY, THAT'S OKAY. MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD, I'M JUST TRYING TO SORT OUT YOUR TAX

MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD, I'M JUST TRYING TO SORT OUT YOUR TAX SITUATION BEFORE '68.

TRYING TO SORT OUT YOUR TAX SITUATION BEFORE '68. NOW, FOR THE LAST NINE YEARS,

SITUATION BEFORE '68. NOW, FOR THE LAST NINE YEARS, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN FILING UNDER

NOW, FOR THE LAST NINE YEARS, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN FILING UNDER THE NAME "MR. AND

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN FILING UNDER THE NAME "MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD."

THE NAME "MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD." DO YOU HAVE A FIRST NAME?

MRS. CONEHEAD." DO YOU HAVE A FIRST NAME? I AM BELDAR!

DO YOU HAVE A FIRST NAME? I AM BELDAR! I AM PRYMAAT!

I AM BELDAR! I AM PRYMAAT! OKAY.

I AM PRYMAAT! OKAY. "BELDAR CONEHEAD."

OKAY. "BELDAR CONEHEAD." THAT'S GREAT.

"BELDAR CONEHEAD." THAT'S GREAT. NOW IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE

THAT'S GREAT. NOW IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE CURRENTLY EMPLOYED AS A

NOW IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE CURRENTLY EMPLOYED AS A DRIVING-SCHOOL INSTRUCTOR?

CURRENTLY EMPLOYED AS A DRIVING-SCHOOL INSTRUCTOR? CORRECT.

DRIVING-SCHOOL INSTRUCTOR? CORRECT. HEY, ISN'T THIS THE DRINK THE

CORRECT. HEY, ISN'T THIS THE DRINK THE ASTRONAUTS TOOK TO THE MOON?

HEY, ISN'T THIS THE DRINK THE ASTRONAUTS TOOK TO THE MOON? Both: ASTRONAUTS TO THE

ASTRONAUTS TOOK TO THE MOON? Both: ASTRONAUTS TO THE MOON?!

Both: ASTRONAUTS TO THE MOON?! HA HA HA HA HA!!

MOON?! HA HA HA HA HA!! YEAH.

HA HA HA HA HA!! YEAH. OKAY, NOW, FROM '68 TO '70, YOU

YEAH. OKAY, NOW, FROM '68 TO '70, YOU WERE LIVING AT THE

OKAY, NOW, FROM '68 TO '70, YOU WERE LIVING AT THE BURDETTE FALLS SEASON TRAILER

WERE LIVING AT THE BURDETTE FALLS SEASON TRAILER PARK IN MOLINE, OHIO?

BURDETTE FALLS SEASON TRAILER PARK IN MOLINE, OHIO? IOWA. CORRECT.

PARK IN MOLINE, OHIO? IOWA. CORRECT. OKAY, NOW ABOUT THESE

IOWA. CORRECT. OKAY, NOW ABOUT THESE DEDUCTIONS FOR LAST YEAR.

OKAY, NOW ABOUT THESE DEDUCTIONS FOR LAST YEAR. YOU CLAIMED $2,000 FOR STOCKING

DEDUCTIONS FOR LAST YEAR. YOU CLAIMED $2,000 FOR STOCKING CAPS, $7,000 FOR BEER, AND

YOU CLAIMED $2,000 FOR STOCKING CAPS, $7,000 FOR BEER, AND $2,000 FOR TITANIUM.

CAPS, $7,000 FOR BEER, AND $2,000 FOR TITANIUM. WHAT IS TITANIUM, ANYWAY?

$2,000 FOR TITANIUM. WHAT IS TITANIUM, ANYWAY? THE MOST DURABLE METAL KNOWN

WHAT IS TITANIUM, ANYWAY? THE MOST DURABLE METAL KNOWN TO MANKIND.

THE MOST DURABLE METAL KNOWN TO MANKIND. WE NEED IT TO SURVIVE.

TO MANKIND. WE NEED IT TO SURVIVE. OKAY, FINE.

WE NEED IT TO SURVIVE. OKAY, FINE. NOW MY MAIN QUESTION IS... WHERE

OKAY, FINE. NOW MY MAIN QUESTION IS... WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE 1968?

NOW MY MAIN QUESTION IS... WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE 1968? WE HAD NOT YET LANDED ON

WERE YOU BEFORE 1968? WE HAD NOT YET LANDED ON THIS... IN THIS COUNTRY.

WE HAD NOT YET LANDED ON THIS... IN THIS COUNTRY. OH, I SEE.

THIS... IN THIS COUNTRY. OH, I SEE. THEN, YOU'RE NOT FROM THIS

OH, I SEE. THEN, YOU'RE NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY.

THEN, YOU'RE NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY. YOU'RE ILLEGAL ALIENS.

COUNTRY. YOU'RE ILLEGAL ALIENS. YES! WE COME FROM FRANCE!

YOU'RE ILLEGAL ALIENS. YES! WE COME FROM FRANCE! FRANCE!

YES! WE COME FROM FRANCE! FRANCE! WE CAME FROM FRANCE!

FRANCE! WE CAME FROM FRANCE! SO YOU ARE ALIENS!

WE CAME FROM FRANCE! SO YOU ARE ALIENS! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

SO YOU ARE ALIENS! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! YES, OUR RECORDS WERE LOST

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! YES, OUR RECORDS WERE LOST WHEN THE CRAFT WHICH BROUGHT US

YES, OUR RECORDS WERE LOST WHEN THE CRAFT WHICH BROUGHT US FROM FRANCE PLUNGED INTO

WHEN THE CRAFT WHICH BROUGHT US FROM FRANCE PLUNGED INTO LAKE MICHIGAN.

FROM FRANCE PLUNGED INTO LAKE MICHIGAN. WE CRAWLED FROM THE BOTTOM OF

LAKE MICHIGAN. WE CRAWLED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE AND LIVED BY NIGHT FOR

WE CRAWLED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE AND LIVED BY NIGHT FOR YEARS OFF OUR REMAINING

THE LAKE AND LIVED BY NIGHT FOR YEARS OFF OUR REMAINING PROTO-CAPS.

YEARS OFF OUR REMAINING PROTO-CAPS. YEAH.

PROTO-CAPS. YEAH. LISTEN.

YEAH. LISTEN. I THINK I'VE GOT ALL THE

LISTEN. I THINK I'VE GOT ALL THE INFORMATION I NEED RIGHT HERE.

I THINK I'VE GOT ALL THE INFORMATION I NEED RIGHT HERE. I'M JUST GOING TO TURN THIS OVER

INFORMATION I NEED RIGHT HERE. I'M JUST GOING TO TURN THIS OVER TO MISSING RECORDS, AND THERE'S

I'M JUST GOING TO TURN THIS OVER TO MISSING RECORDS, AND THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

TO MISSING RECORDS, AND THERE'S NO PROBLEM. YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I KNOW WHERE

NO PROBLEM. YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, HEY!

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, HEY! STOCKING CAPS, TITANIUM, AND

YOU'RE COMING FROM, HEY! STOCKING CAPS, TITANIUM, AND BEER... WHAT THE HECK, HAPPENS

STOCKING CAPS, TITANIUM, AND BEER... WHAT THE HECK, HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!

BEER... WHAT THE HECK, HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! SO I'LL BE GOING.

ALL THE TIME! SO I'LL BE GOING. ALL THINGS ARE WOVEN OF THE

SO I'LL BE GOING. ALL THINGS ARE WOVEN OF THE SAME MOLECULAR FIBER!

ALL THINGS ARE WOVEN OF THE SAME MOLECULAR FIBER! THAT'S SO TRUE.

SAME MOLECULAR FIBER! THAT'S SO TRUE. I'M GONNA WRITE THAT DOWN.

THAT'S SO TRUE. I'M GONNA WRITE THAT DOWN. HEY, TAXES ARE NO BIG DEAL, SO,

I'M GONNA WRITE THAT DOWN. HEY, TAXES ARE NO BIG DEAL, SO, UH, YOU CALL US!

HEY, TAXES ARE NO BIG DEAL, SO, UH, YOU CALL US! NO PROBLEM!

UH, YOU CALL US! NO PROBLEM! HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY.

NO PROBLEM! HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY. SOMEDAY, YOU CAN TAKE ME TO

HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY. SOMEDAY, YOU CAN TAKE ME TO YOUR SUPERVISOR.

SOMEDAY, YOU CAN TAKE ME TO YOUR SUPERVISOR. GREAT, GREAT.

YOUR SUPERVISOR. GREAT, GREAT. DO WE HAVE TIME FOR A QUICK

GREAT, GREAT. DO WE HAVE TIME FOR A QUICK ONE BEFORE I MUST PREPARE FOR

DO WE HAVE TIME FOR A QUICK ONE BEFORE I MUST PREPARE FOR WORK?

ONE BEFORE I MUST PREPARE FOR WORK? YES.

WORK? YES. LET'S DO IT RIGHT HERE IN THE

YES. LET'S DO IT RIGHT HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

LET'S DO IT RIGHT HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM. YES, LET'S.

YOU HAVE STIMULATED ME! YOU HAVE STIMULATED ME! YOU HAVE STIMULATED ME!

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[SINGING "NUR WER DIE SEHNSUCHT KENNT"]

[OLYMPICS THEME PLAYS]

GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY WEIGHT LIFTING."

WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY WEIGHT LIFTING." TONIGHT'S BIG TREAT, OF COURSE,

WEIGHT LIFTING." TONIGHT'S BIG TREAT, OF COURSE, IS THE CLEAN-AND-JERK

TONIGHT'S BIG TREAT, OF COURSE, IS THE CLEAN-AND-JERK COMPETITION FEATURING

IS THE CLEAN-AND-JERK COMPETITION FEATURING VASILIY ALEKSEYEV, THE BIG

COMPETITION FEATURING VASILIY ALEKSEYEV, THE BIG RUSSIAN WHO'S WON THIS EVENT

VASILIY ALEKSEYEV, THE BIG RUSSIAN WHO'S WON THIS EVENT THREE TIMES IN THE OLYMPIC

RUSSIAN WHO'S WON THIS EVENT THREE TIMES IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES, THREE GOLDS.

THREE TIMES IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES, THREE GOLDS. AND HIS OPPONENT TONIGHT WILL BE

GAMES, THREE GOLDS. AND HIS OPPONENT TONIGHT WILL BE JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS, THE

AND HIS OPPONENT TONIGHT WILL BE JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS, THE SOCIALITE AND FORMER FIRST LADY.

JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS, THE SOCIALITE AND FORMER FIRST LADY. NOW THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT

SOCIALITE AND FORMER FIRST LADY. NOW THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT THAT ALEKSEYEV'S AT THE TOP OF

NOW THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT THAT ALEKSEYEV'S AT THE TOP OF HIS FORM NOW.

THAT ALEKSEYEV'S AT THE TOP OF HIS FORM NOW. OF COURSE, HE BROKE HIS OWN

HIS FORM NOW. OF COURSE, HE BROKE HIS OWN RECORD LAST YEAR AT MONTREAL IN

OF COURSE, HE BROKE HIS OWN RECORD LAST YEAR AT MONTREAL IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES THERE.

RECORD LAST YEAR AT MONTREAL IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES THERE. NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

THE OLYMPIC GAMES THERE. NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. JACKIE, OF COURSE, HAS BEEN

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. JACKIE, OF COURSE, HAS BEEN PLAGUED WITH INJURIES.

JACKIE, OF COURSE, HAS BEEN PLAGUED WITH INJURIES. PERHAPS MOST RECENTLY IS THAT

PLAGUED WITH INJURIES. PERHAPS MOST RECENTLY IS THAT BIG RIB-CAGE SEPARATION SHE

PERHAPS MOST RECENTLY IS THAT BIG RIB-CAGE SEPARATION SHE SUFFERED JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO

BIG RIB-CAGE SEPARATION SHE SUFFERED JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO OVER AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM

SUFFERED JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO OVER AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART... THEIR IMPERIAL RUSSIAN

OVER AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART... THEIR IMPERIAL RUSSIAN COSTUME EXHIBITION OVER THERE.

OF ART... THEIR IMPERIAL RUSSIAN COSTUME EXHIBITION OVER THERE. THAT MUST STILL HURT.

COSTUME EXHIBITION OVER THERE. THAT MUST STILL HURT. JUST HOW MUCH WE'RE GONNA SEE IN

THAT MUST STILL HURT. JUST HOW MUCH WE'RE GONNA SEE IN A MOMENT.

JUST HOW MUCH WE'RE GONNA SEE IN A MOMENT. OKAY, LOOKS LIKE VASILIY IS

A MOMENT. OKAY, LOOKS LIKE VASILIY IS ABOUT READY TO MAKE HIS FIRST

OKAY, LOOKS LIKE VASILIY IS ABOUT READY TO MAKE HIS FIRST ATTEMPT, AT A WEIGHT OF 250

ABOUT READY TO MAKE HIS FIRST ATTEMPT, AT A WEIGHT OF 250 KILOGRAMS.

ATTEMPT, AT A WEIGHT OF 250 KILOGRAMS. OH, LOOK AT THAT NECK.

KILOGRAMS. OH, LOOK AT THAT NECK. [CHUCKLES]

OH, LOOK AT THAT NECK. [CHUCKLES] I UNDERSTAND IT'S A 19-INCH NECK

[CHUCKLES] I UNDERSTAND IT'S A 19-INCH NECK THE RUSSIAN HAS.

IT'S UP. IT'S UP. HE'S CLEANED IT.

IT'S UP. HE'S CLEANED IT. AND IT'S GOOD!

HE'S CLEANED IT. AND IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOD.

AND IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOD. A VERY FINE LIFT FOR

IT'S GOOD. A VERY FINE LIFT FOR ALEKSEYEV... 250 KILOGRAMS.

A VERY FINE LIFT FOR ALEKSEYEV... 250 KILOGRAMS. YOU CAN SEE WHY HE WON THE GOLD

ALEKSEYEV... 250 KILOGRAMS. YOU CAN SEE WHY HE WON THE GOLD MEDAL LAST YEAR IN MONTREAL.

YOU CAN SEE WHY HE WON THE GOLD MEDAL LAST YEAR IN MONTREAL. NOW IT LOOKS LIKE MISS ONASSIS

MEDAL LAST YEAR IN MONTREAL. NOW IT LOOKS LIKE MISS ONASSIS IS APPROACHING THE BAR.

NOW IT LOOKS LIKE MISS ONASSIS IS APPROACHING THE BAR. IT'S GONNA BE HER FIRST ATTEMPT.

IS APPROACHING THE BAR. IT'S GONNA BE HER FIRST ATTEMPT. WHAT A COMPETITOR.

IT'S GONNA BE HER FIRST ATTEMPT. WHAT A COMPETITOR. SHE'S GOT A LOT OF DRIVE.

WHAT A COMPETITOR. SHE'S GOT A LOT OF DRIVE. I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY,

SHE'S GOT A LOT OF DRIVE. I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY, YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S APPROACHING

I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY, YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S APPROACHING THE BAR.

YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S APPROACHING THE BAR. YOU KNOW, SHE GAVE SOME GATORADE

THE BAR. YOU KNOW, SHE GAVE SOME GATORADE TO ALEKSEYEV IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

YOU KNOW, SHE GAVE SOME GATORADE TO ALEKSEYEV IN THE LOCKER ROOM. HE SAID HE NEVER TRIED IT.

TO ALEKSEYEV IN THE LOCKER ROOM. HE SAID HE NEVER TRIED IT. THEY WERE GONNA ARRANGE TO GET A

HE SAID HE NEVER TRIED IT. THEY WERE GONNA ARRANGE TO GET A COUPLE OF CASES SENT OVER TO THE

THEY WERE GONNA ARRANGE TO GET A COUPLE OF CASES SENT OVER TO THE SOVIET UNION SO HE COULD USE AT

COUPLE OF CASES SENT OVER TO THE SOVIET UNION SO HE COULD USE AT HIS OWN TRAINING CAMP.

SOVIET UNION SO HE COULD USE AT HIS OWN TRAINING CAMP. OOP.

HIS OWN TRAINING CAMP. OOP. SHE'S NOT HAPPY WITH HER GRIP.

OOP. SHE'S NOT HAPPY WITH HER GRIP. AND I DON'T BLAME HER.

SHE'S NOT HAPPY WITH HER GRIP. AND I DON'T BLAME HER. IF YOU'RE NOT READY, YOU JUST

AND I DON'T BLAME HER. IF YOU'RE NOT READY, YOU JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE BAR.

IF YOU'RE NOT READY, YOU JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE BAR. IT'S THE WAY THEY SAY TO DO IT,

WALK AWAY FROM THE BAR. IT'S THE WAY THEY SAY TO DO IT, AND SHE'S RIGHT TO DO IT.

IT'S THE WAY THEY SAY TO DO IT, AND SHE'S RIGHT TO DO IT. OKAY, SHE'S GOT IT.

SHE SEEMS A LITTLE BIT UNSTEADY. SHE'S GOT IT. SHE IS CLEANING IT.

SHE'S GOT IT. SHE IS CLEANING IT. SHE'S TRYING TO CLEAN IT.

SHE IS CLEANING IT. SHE'S TRYING TO CLEAN IT. SHE'S TRYING TO CLEAN.

SHE'S TRYING TO CLEAN IT. SHE'S TRYING TO CLEAN. SHE'S AT THE BELLY.

SHE'S TRYING TO CLEAN. SHE'S AT THE BELLY. COME ON!

SHE'S AT THE BELLY. COME ON! SHE'S CLEANED IT!

COME ON! SHE'S CLEANED IT! SHE'S CLEANED IT.

SHE'S CLEANED IT! SHE'S CLEANED IT. THE JUDGES HAVE SIGNALED.

SHE'S CLEANED IT. THE JUDGES HAVE SIGNALED. SHE'S CLEANED IT.

THE JUDGES HAVE SIGNALED. SHE'S CLEANED IT. NOW IF SHE COULD ONLY GET IT UP

SHE'S CLEANED IT. NOW IF SHE COULD ONLY GET IT UP FULL EXTENSION.

NOW IF SHE COULD ONLY GET IT UP FULL EXTENSION. SHE NEEDS FOR ONE FULL SECOND.

FULL EXTENSION. SHE NEEDS FOR ONE FULL SECOND. FULL EXTENSION... SHE'S GOT IT!

SHE NEEDS FOR ONE FULL SECOND. FULL EXTENSION... SHE'S GOT IT! SHE'S GOT IT!

FULL EXTENSION... SHE'S GOT IT! SHE'S GOT IT! TRYING TO KEEP IT THERE.

SHE'S GOT IT! TRYING TO KEEP IT THERE. OH, OH!

TRYING TO KEEP IT THERE. OH, OH! SHE'S GOT TO BE STEADY.

OH, OH! SHE'S GOT TO BE STEADY. OH, NO!

SHE'S GOT TO BE STEADY. OH, NO! OH, SHE HAD TO REMAIN STEADY.

OH, NO! OH, SHE HAD TO REMAIN STEADY. THE JUDGES, OF COURSE, ARE GONNA

OH, SHE HAD TO REMAIN STEADY. THE JUDGES, OF COURSE, ARE GONNA GIVE IT TO ALEKSEYEV.

THE JUDGES, OF COURSE, ARE GONNA GIVE IT TO ALEKSEYEV. OH, VASILIY, ANOTHER CONVINCING

GIVE IT TO ALEKSEYEV. OH, VASILIY, ANOTHER CONVINCING VICTORY... IF ONLY SHE COULD

OH, VASILIY, ANOTHER CONVINCING VICTORY... IF ONLY SHE COULD HAVE HUNG ON.

VICTORY... IF ONLY SHE COULD HAVE HUNG ON. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR

HAVE HUNG ON. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT TONIGHT?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT TONIGHT? [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

WEIGHT TONIGHT? [SPEAKING RUSSIAN] MAYBE YOU COULD GET ME AMERICAN

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN] MAYBE YOU COULD GET ME AMERICAN BLUE JEANS SOMETIME?

MAYBE YOU COULD GET ME AMERICAN BLUE JEANS SOMETIME? LOVE TO, ALEKSEYEV.

BLUE JEANS SOMETIME? LOVE TO, ALEKSEYEV. YOU CERTAINLY EARNED IT WITH

LOVE TO, ALEKSEYEV. YOU CERTAINLY EARNED IT WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.

YOU CERTAINLY EARNED IT WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT. LET ME CHECK ON MISS ONASSIS'

YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT. LET ME CHECK ON MISS ONASSIS' CONDITION.

LET ME CHECK ON MISS ONASSIS' CONDITION. JACKIE, HOW ARE YOU?

CONDITION. JACKIE, HOW ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE

JACKIE, HOW ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE LIFT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE LIFT? WELL, I-I THINK IT'S MY

LIFT? WELL, I-I THINK IT'S MY COLLARBONE.

WELL, I-I THINK IT'S MY COLLARBONE. I-I BROKE IT.

COLLARBONE. I-I BROKE IT. SHE BROKE THE COLLARBONE.

I-I BROKE IT. SHE BROKE THE COLLARBONE. WELL, IT'S ALWAYS THE

SHE BROKE THE COLLARBONE. WELL, IT'S ALWAYS THE COLLARBONE.

WELL, IT'S ALWAYS THE COLLARBONE. THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY.

COLLARBONE. THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY. WELL, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY. WELL, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF MAYBE JACKIE WILL BE MISSING

WELL, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF MAYBE JACKIE WILL BE MISSING THAT BIG PARTY FOR

IF MAYBE JACKIE WILL BE MISSING THAT BIG PARTY FOR RUDOLF NUREYEV THIS MONDAY

THAT BIG PARTY FOR RUDOLF NUREYEV THIS MONDAY NIGHT.

RUDOLF NUREYEV THIS MONDAY NIGHT. SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO COMPETE AT

NIGHT. SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO COMPETE AT THAT DRINK FEST, NO QUESTION

SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO COMPETE AT THAT DRINK FEST, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

THAT DRINK FEST, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME RIGHT

ABOUT IT. WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME RIGHT NOW, BUT PLEASE COME ON BACK.

WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME RIGHT NOW, BUT PLEASE COME ON BACK. JOIN US NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT,

NOW, BUT PLEASE COME ON BACK. JOIN US NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN THE FINALS OF THE 2-HANDED

JOIN US NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN THE FINALS OF THE 2-HANDED SNATCH WILL FEATURE

WHEN THE FINALS OF THE 2-HANDED SNATCH WILL FEATURE ARETHA FRANKLIN AND

SNATCH WILL FEATURE ARETHA FRANKLIN AND ERIC SEVAREID.

ARETHA FRANKLIN AND ERIC SEVAREID. WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.

ERIC SEVAREID. WE'LL SEE YOU THEN. KEEP LIFTING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE KINKS.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE KINKS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO PRESENT THE KINKS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["YOU REALLY GOT ME"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["YOU REALLY GOT ME" INTRODUCTION PLAYS]

["YOU REALLY GOT ME" INTRODUCTION PLAYS] YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

[INTRODUCTION PLAYS] YEAH, ALL RIGHT. ♪ GIRL, YOU REALLY GOT ME

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. ♪ GIRL, YOU REALLY GOT ME GOIN' ♪

♪ GIRL, YOU REALLY GOT ME GOIN' ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I DON'T KNOW

GOIN' ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOIN' ♪

♪ YOU GOT ME SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOIN' ♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪

WHAT I'M DOIN' ♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I CAN'T SLEEP

♪ YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT ME SO I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪

AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I DON'T KNOW

♪ YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOIN' ♪

♪ YOU GOT ME SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOIN' ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH, YOU REALLY

WHAT I'M DOIN' ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪

♪ OH, YEAH, YOU REALLY GOT ME NOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I CAN'T SLEEP

GOT ME NOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT ME SO I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT ME SO I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪

AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪ ♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪

♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪ ♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪ ♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪♪

♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪ ♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪♪ ♪ I'M NOT CONTENT TO BE WITH YOU

♪ YOU REALLY GOT ME ♪♪ ♪ I'M NOT CONTENT TO BE WITH YOU IN THE DAYTIME ♪

♪ I'M NOT CONTENT TO BE WITH YOU IN THE DAYTIME ♪ ♪ GIRL, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

IN THE DAYTIME ♪ ♪ GIRL, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALL OF THE TIME ♪

♪ GIRL, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALL OF THE TIME ♪ ♪ THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALL RIGHT

ALL OF THE TIME ♪ ♪ THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALL RIGHT IS BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALL RIGHT IS BY YOUR SIDE ♪ ♪ GIRL, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

IS BY YOUR SIDE ♪ ♪ GIRL, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALL OF THE TIME ♪

♪ GIRL, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALL OF THE TIME ♪ ♪ ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT ♪

ALL OF THE TIME ♪ ♪ ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ ALL DAY

♪ ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NIGHT ♪♪

♪ HE GETS UP IN THE MORNING, AND HE GOES TO WORK AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ AND HE COMES BACK HOME

AND HE GOES TO WORK AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ AND HE COMES BACK HOME AT 5:30 ♪

♪ AND HE COMES BACK HOME AT 5:30 ♪ ♪ GETS THE SAME TRAIN

AT 5:30 ♪ ♪ GETS THE SAME TRAIN EVERY TIME ♪

♪ GETS THE SAME TRAIN EVERY TIME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HIS WORLD IS BUILT

EVERY TIME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HIS WORLD IS BUILT ON PUNCTUALITY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HIS WORLD IS BUILT ON PUNCTUALITY ♪ ♪ IT NEVER FAILS ♪

ON PUNCTUALITY ♪ ♪ IT NEVER FAILS ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO GOOD ♪

♪ IT NEVER FAILS ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO GOOD ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO FINE ♪

♪ AND HE'S OH, SO GOOD ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO FINE ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO HEALTHY

♪ AND HE'S OH, SO FINE ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO HEALTHY IN HIS BODY AND HIS MIND ♪

♪ AND HE'S OH, SO HEALTHY IN HIS BODY AND HIS MIND ♪ ♪ HE'S A WELL-RESPECTED

IN HIS BODY AND HIS MIND ♪ ♪ HE'S A WELL-RESPECTED MAN ABOUT TOWN ♪

♪ HE'S A WELL-RESPECTED MAN ABOUT TOWN ♪ ♪ DOING THE BEST THINGS

MAN ABOUT TOWN ♪ ♪ DOING THE BEST THINGS SO CONSERVATIVELY ♪

♪ DOING THE BEST THINGS SO CONSERVATIVELY ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO GOOD ♪

SO CONSERVATIVELY ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO GOOD ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO FINE ♪

♪ AND HE'S OH, SO GOOD ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO FINE ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO HEALTHY

♪ AND HE'S OH, SO FINE ♪ ♪ AND HE'S OH, SO HEALTHY IN HIS BODY AND HIS MIND ♪

♪ AND HE'S OH, SO HEALTHY IN HIS BODY AND HIS MIND ♪ ♪ HE'S A WELL-RESPECTED

IN HIS BODY AND HIS MIND ♪ ♪ HE'S A WELL-RESPECTED MAN ABOUT TOWN ♪

♪ HE'S A WELL-RESPECTED MAN ABOUT TOWN ♪ ♪ DOING THE BEST THINGS

MAN ABOUT TOWN ♪ ♪ DOING THE BEST THINGS SO CONSERVATIVELY ♪♪

♪ DOING THE BEST THINGS SO CONSERVATIVELY ♪♪ [PLAYS "LOLA" INTRODUCTION]

SO CONSERVATIVELY ♪♪ [PLAYS "LOLA" INTRODUCTION] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[PLAYS "LOLA" INTRODUCTION] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ I MET HER IN A CLUB

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ I MET HER IN A CLUB DOWN IN OLD SOHO,

♪ I MET HER IN A CLUB DOWN IN OLD SOHO, WHERE YOU DRINK CHAMPAGNE

DOWN IN OLD SOHO, WHERE YOU DRINK CHAMPAGNE AND IT TASTES JUST LIKE

WHERE YOU DRINK CHAMPAGNE AND IT TASTES JUST LIKE COCA-COLA ♪

AND IT TASTES JUST LIKE COCA-COLA ♪ ♪ C-O-L-A COLA ♪

COCA-COLA ♪ ♪ C-O-L-A COLA ♪ ♪ SHE WALKED UP TO ME,

♪ C-O-L-A COLA ♪ ♪ SHE WALKED UP TO ME, AND SHE ASKED ME TO DANCE ♪

♪ SHE WALKED UP TO ME, AND SHE ASKED ME TO DANCE ♪ ♪ I ASKED HER HER NAME,

AND SHE ASKED ME TO DANCE ♪ ♪ I ASKED HER HER NAME, AND IN A DARK BROWN VOICE

♪ I ASKED HER HER NAME, AND IN A DARK BROWN VOICE SHE SAID, "LOLA" ♪

AND IN A DARK BROWN VOICE SHE SAID, "LOLA" ♪ ♪ L-O-L-A LOLA ♪

SHE SAID, "LOLA" ♪ ♪ L-O-L-A LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ L-O-L-A LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ WELL, I'M NOT THE WORLD'S

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ WELL, I'M NOT THE WORLD'S MOST PHYSICAL GUY,

♪ WELL, I'M NOT THE WORLD'S MOST PHYSICAL GUY, BUT WHEN SHE SQUEEZED ME TIGHT

MOST PHYSICAL GUY, BUT WHEN SHE SQUEEZED ME TIGHT SHE NEARLY BROKE MY SPINE ♪

BUT WHEN SHE SQUEEZED ME TIGHT SHE NEARLY BROKE MY SPINE ♪ ♪ OH, MY, LOLA ♪

SHE NEARLY BROKE MY SPINE ♪ ♪ OH, MY, LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ OH, MY, LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ WELL, I'M NOT DUMB,

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ WELL, I'M NOT DUMB, BUT I CANT UNDERSTAND

♪ WELL, I'M NOT DUMB, BUT I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WALKED LIKE A WOMAN

BUT I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WALKED LIKE A WOMAN BUT TALKED LIKE A MAN ♪

WHY SHE WALKED LIKE A WOMAN BUT TALKED LIKE A MAN ♪ ♪ OH, MY, LOLA ♪

BUT TALKED LIKE A MAN ♪ ♪ OH, MY, LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ OH, MY, LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ WELL, I PUSHED HER AWAY ♪

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ WELL, I PUSHED HER AWAY ♪ ♪ WALKED TO THE DOOR ♪

♪ WELL, I PUSHED HER AWAY ♪ ♪ WALKED TO THE DOOR ♪ ♪ I FELL TO THE FLOOR ♪

♪ WALKED TO THE DOOR ♪ ♪ I FELL TO THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES ♪

♪ I FELL TO THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES ♪ ♪ THEN I LOOKED AT HER

♪ I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES ♪ ♪ THEN I LOOKED AT HER AND SHE AT ME ♪

♪ THEN I LOOKED AT HER AND SHE AT ME ♪ ♪ WELL, THAT'S THE WAY

AND SHE AT ME ♪ ♪ WELL, THAT'S THE WAY THAT I WANT IT TO STAY ♪

♪ WELL, THAT'S THE WAY THAT I WANT IT TO STAY ♪ ♪ I ALWAYS WANT IT TO BE

THAT I WANT IT TO STAY ♪ ♪ I ALWAYS WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY FOR MY LOLA ♪

♪ I ALWAYS WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY FOR MY LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

THAT WAY FOR MY LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ GIRLS WILL BE BOYS,

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ GIRLS WILL BE BOYS, AND BOYS WILL BE GIRLS ♪

♪ GIRLS WILL BE BOYS, AND BOYS WILL BE GIRLS ♪ ♪ IT'S A MIXED-UP, MUDDLED-UP,

AND BOYS WILL BE GIRLS ♪ ♪ IT'S A MIXED-UP, MUDDLED-UP, SHOOK-UP WORLD EXCEPT FOR LOLA ♪

♪ IT'S A MIXED-UP, MUDDLED-UP, SHOOK-UP WORLD EXCEPT FOR LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

SHOOK-UP WORLD EXCEPT FOR LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LOLA ♪

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LOLA ♪

♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

♪ LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪ ♪ LO-LO-LO-LO LOLA ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH JANE CURTIN. HI.

UPDATE," WITH JANE CURTIN. HI. I'M JANE CURTIN.

HI. I'M JANE CURTIN. REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I DID

I'M JANE CURTIN. REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I DID "UPDATE" FROM THIS DESK?

REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I DID "UPDATE" FROM THIS DESK? NOT TONIGHT.

"UPDATE" FROM THIS DESK? NOT TONIGHT. I HAVE A HEADACHE.

NOT TONIGHT. I HAVE A HEADACHE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A

I HAVE A HEADACHE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A REPORT FROM FLORIDA STATES THAT

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A REPORT FROM FLORIDA STATES THAT ANITA BRYANT PLANS TO UNDERGO A

REPORT FROM FLORIDA STATES THAT ANITA BRYANT PLANS TO UNDERGO A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION THIS

ANITA BRYANT PLANS TO UNDERGO A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION THIS SPRING.

SEX-CHANGE OPERATION THIS SPRING. THE EXACT DATE WILL NOT BE SET

SPRING. THE EXACT DATE WILL NOT BE SET UNTIL THE POPULAR TV PERSONALITY

THE EXACT DATE WILL NOT BE SET UNTIL THE POPULAR TV PERSONALITY DECIDES WHICH SEX TO CHANGE TO.

UNTIL THE POPULAR TV PERSONALITY DECIDES WHICH SEX TO CHANGE TO. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

DECIDES WHICH SEX TO CHANGE TO. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS. WELL, BEGINNING MARCH 15th, "THE

DEVELOPS. WELL, BEGINNING MARCH 15th, "THE TONIGHT SHOW," STARRING

WELL, BEGINNING MARCH 15th, "THE TONIGHT SHOW," STARRING JOHNNY CARSON, WILL BE BROADCAST

TONIGHT SHOW," STARRING JOHNNY CARSON, WILL BE BROADCAST LIVE ON THE NBC TV NETWORK.

JOHNNY CARSON, WILL BE BROADCAST LIVE ON THE NBC TV NETWORK. CARSON, WHO HAS BEEN DOING THE

LIVE ON THE NBC TV NETWORK. CARSON, WHO HAS BEEN DOING THE SHOW DEAD FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS,

CARSON, WHO HAS BEEN DOING THE SHOW DEAD FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS, COULD NOT EXPLAIN HOW HE WAS

SHOW DEAD FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS, COULD NOT EXPLAIN HOW HE WAS GOING TO MAKE THAT TRANSITION.

COULD NOT EXPLAIN HOW HE WAS GOING TO MAKE THAT TRANSITION. THE GREENWICH VILLAGE COMMUNITY

GOING TO MAKE THAT TRANSITION. THE GREENWICH VILLAGE COMMUNITY COURT TODAY CONVICTED THE CITY

THE GREENWICH VILLAGE COMMUNITY COURT TODAY CONVICTED THE CITY OF CINCINNATI FOR OBSCENITY FOR

COURT TODAY CONVICTED THE CITY OF CINCINNATI FOR OBSCENITY FOR THEIR CONVICTION OF HUSTLER

OF CINCINNATI FOR OBSCENITY FOR THEIR CONVICTION OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT.

THEIR CONVICTION OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT. THE GREENWICH VILLAGE COURT

MAGAZINE PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT. THE GREENWICH VILLAGE COURT SENTENCED THE PEOPLE OF

THE GREENWICH VILLAGE COURT SENTENCED THE PEOPLE OF CINCINNATI TO LIVE IN

SENTENCED THE PEOPLE OF CINCINNATI TO LIVE IN CINCINNATI.

CINCINNATI TO LIVE IN CINCINNATI. ALTHOUGH PRESIDENT CARTER HAS

CINCINNATI. ALTHOUGH PRESIDENT CARTER HAS FORBIDDEN THE DRINKING OF HARD

ALTHOUGH PRESIDENT CARTER HAS FORBIDDEN THE DRINKING OF HARD LIQUOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE, HE

FORBIDDEN THE DRINKING OF HARD LIQUOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE, HE REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT HE

LIQUOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE, HE REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT HE DOESN'T OBJECT TO TAKING IT

REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT HE DOESN'T OBJECT TO TAKING IT INTRAVENOUSLY.

DOESN'T OBJECT TO TAKING IT INTRAVENOUSLY. THE PRESIDENT IS SHOWN HERE

INTRAVENOUSLY. THE PRESIDENT IS SHOWN HERE HAVING A SHOT OF BOURBON TO

THE PRESIDENT IS SHOWN HERE HAVING A SHOT OF BOURBON TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF HIS NEW

HAVING A SHOT OF BOURBON TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF HIS NEW GRANDSON.

CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF HIS NEW GRANDSON. ADOLF HITLER'S RIGHT-HAND MAN,

GRANDSON. ADOLF HITLER'S RIGHT-HAND MAN, RUDOLF HESS, UNSUCCESSFULLY

ADOLF HITLER'S RIGHT-HAND MAN, RUDOLF HESS, UNSUCCESSFULLY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE THIS WEEK IN

RUDOLF HESS, UNSUCCESSFULLY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE THIS WEEK IN BERLIN'S SPANDAU PRISON, WHERE

ATTEMPTED SUICIDE THIS WEEK IN BERLIN'S SPANDAU PRISON, WHERE HE IS THE ONLY INMATE.

BERLIN'S SPANDAU PRISON, WHERE HE IS THE ONLY INMATE. AUTHORITIES SAID THE 82-YEAR-OLD

HE IS THE ONLY INMATE. AUTHORITIES SAID THE 82-YEAR-OLD NAZI BECAME CONFUSED AFTER

AUTHORITIES SAID THE 82-YEAR-OLD NAZI BECAME CONFUSED AFTER SECRETLY PLAN... PLAN...

NAZI BECAME CONFUSED AFTER SECRETLY PLAN... PLAN... PLANNING...

SECRETLY PLAN... PLAN... PLANNING... ADOLF HITLER'S RIGHT-HAND MAN,

PLANNING... ADOLF HITLER'S RIGHT-HAND MAN, RUDOLF HESS, UNSUCCESSFULLY

ADOLF HITLER'S RIGHT-HAND MAN, RUDOLF HESS, UNSUCCESSFULLY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE THIS WEEK IN

RUDOLF HESS, UNSUCCESSFULLY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE THIS WEEK IN BERLIN'S SPANDAU PRISON, WHERE

ATTEMPTED SUICIDE THIS WEEK IN BERLIN'S SPANDAU PRISON, WHERE HE IS THE ONLY INMATE.

BERLIN'S SPANDAU PRISON, WHERE HE IS THE ONLY INMATE. AUTHORITIES SAID THE 82-YEAR-OLD

HE IS THE ONLY INMATE. AUTHORITIES SAID THE 82-YEAR-OLD NAZI BECAME CONFUSED AFTER

AUTHORITIES SAID THE 82-YEAR-OLD NAZI BECAME CONFUSED AFTER SECRETLY PLANNING A PRISON BREAK

NAZI BECAME CONFUSED AFTER SECRETLY PLANNING A PRISON BREAK AND REPEATEDLY SAYING TO

SECRETLY PLANNING A PRISON BREAK AND REPEATEDLY SAYING TO HIMSELF, "PASS IT ON."

AND REPEATEDLY SAYING TO HIMSELF, "PASS IT ON." PASS IT ON.

HIMSELF, "PASS IT ON." PASS IT ON. STILL TO COME... BOB HOPE AND

PASS IT ON. STILL TO COME... BOB HOPE AND GERALD FORD ANNOUNCE WEDDING

STILL TO COME... BOB HOPE AND GERALD FORD ANNOUNCE WEDDING PLANS AFTER THIS WORD FROM

GERALD FORD ANNOUNCE WEDDING PLANS AFTER THIS WORD FROM WHOEVER.

YES, EVEN A WOMAN DOCTOR LIKE

ME CAN HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

THAT'S WHY FOR MANY YEARS I'VE TRIED EXHAUSTING EXERCISES, HARMFUL PILLS, AND, WORST OF

TRIED EXHAUSTING EXERCISES, HARMFUL PILLS, AND, WORST OF ALL, COMPLEX AND ANNOYING DIETS.

HARMFUL PILLS, AND, WORST OF ALL, COMPLEX AND ANNOYING DIETS. SO, FINALLY, I WROTE MY OWN

ALL, COMPLEX AND ANNOYING DIETS. SO, FINALLY, I WROTE MY OWN BOOK... A STEP-BY-STEP,

SO, FINALLY, I WROTE MY OWN BOOK... A STEP-BY-STEP, EASY-TO-UNDERSTAND,

BOOK... A STEP-BY-STEP, EASY-TO-UNDERSTAND, EASY-TO-FOLLOW BOOK THAT IS

EASY-TO-UNDERSTAND, EASY-TO-FOLLOW BOOK THAT IS ABSOLUTELY 100% FOOLPROOF.

EASY-TO-FOLLOW BOOK THAT IS ABSOLUTELY 100% FOOLPROOF. I CALL IT "DR. BREADLOAF'S

ABSOLUTELY 100% FOOLPROOF. I CALL IT "DR. BREADLOAF'S QUICK-LOSS DIET BOOK."

I CALL IT "DR. BREADLOAF'S QUICK-LOSS DIET BOOK." LET'S TURN TO PAGE ONE AND READ

QUICK-LOSS DIET BOOK." LET'S TURN TO PAGE ONE AND READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.

LET'S TURN TO PAGE ONE AND READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. "BREAKFAST... EAT PAGE ONE."

THE INSTRUCTIONS. "BREAKFAST... EAT PAGE ONE." THAT'S RIGHT.

"BREAKFAST... EAT PAGE ONE." THAT'S RIGHT. YOU SIMPLY TEAR THE PAGE OUT OF

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU SIMPLY TEAR THE PAGE OUT OF THE BOOK AND EAT IT.

YOU SIMPLY TEAR THE PAGE OUT OF THE BOOK AND EAT IT. WHAT COULD BE EASIER OR MORE

THE BOOK AND EAT IT. WHAT COULD BE EASIER OR MORE SLIMMING?

WHAT COULD BE EASIER OR MORE SLIMMING? MMM-MMM!

SLIMMING? MMM-MMM! AND FOR LUNCH, EAT PAGE TWO.

MMM-MMM! AND FOR LUNCH, EAT PAGE TWO. FOLLOWED BY A HEARTY DINNER OF

AND FOR LUNCH, EAT PAGE TWO. FOLLOWED BY A HEARTY DINNER OF PAGES THREE AND FOUR.

FOLLOWED BY A HEARTY DINNER OF PAGES THREE AND FOUR. MMM-MMM!

PAGES THREE AND FOUR. MMM-MMM! THAT'S GOOD!

MMM-MMM! THAT'S GOOD! AND OF COURSE THESE BOOKS COME

THAT'S GOOD! AND OF COURSE THESE BOOKS COME WITH EXTRA PAGES FOR HOLIDAY

AND OF COURSE THESE BOOKS COME WITH EXTRA PAGES FOR HOLIDAY DINNERS, COLOR ILLUSTRATIONS FOR

WITH EXTRA PAGES FOR HOLIDAY DINNERS, COLOR ILLUSTRATIONS FOR MIDNIGHT SNACKS, AND IMPORTED

DINNERS, COLOR ILLUSTRATIONS FOR MIDNIGHT SNACKS, AND IMPORTED CARDBOARD BINDINGS FOR GOURMET

MIDNIGHT SNACKS, AND IMPORTED CARDBOARD BINDINGS FOR GOURMET DINING AT ITS BEST.

CARDBOARD BINDINGS FOR GOURMET DINING AT ITS BEST. AND FOR JEWS... TWO BOOKS.

DINING AT ITS BEST. AND FOR JEWS... TWO BOOKS. PAPERBACKS FOR POOR PEOPLE.

AND FOR JEWS... TWO BOOKS. PAPERBACKS FOR POOR PEOPLE. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

PAPERBACKS FOR POOR PEOPLE. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE. I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH.

I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE. I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH. I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU CAN

I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH. I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU CAN READ.

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU CAN READ. ALL I CARE IS THAT YOU USE MY

READ. ALL I CARE IS THAT YOU USE MY BOOK FOR ONE WEEK, AND IF YOU

ALL I CARE IS THAT YOU USE MY BOOK FOR ONE WEEK, AND IF YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED,

BOOK FOR ONE WEEK, AND IF YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED, RETURN THE UNEATEN PORTION TO

ARE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED, RETURN THE UNEATEN PORTION TO ME, AND I'LL RETURN YOUR MONEY.

RETURN THE UNEATEN PORTION TO ME, AND I'LL RETURN YOUR MONEY. ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE FREE OF

ME, AND I'LL RETURN YOUR MONEY. ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE FREE OF CHARGE THIS COMBINATION

ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE FREE OF CHARGE THIS COMBINATION BOOKMARK/BIRTHDAY CAKE.

CHARGE THIS COMBINATION BOOKMARK/BIRTHDAY CAKE. Announcer: YOU'LL LOSE WEIGHT

BOOKMARK/BIRTHDAY CAKE. Announcer: YOU'LL LOSE WEIGHT FAST AND FEEL WONDERFUL.

Announcer: YOU'LL LOSE WEIGHT FAST AND FEEL WONDERFUL. YES, HERE'S A BOOK WITH A HAPPY

FAST AND FEEL WONDERFUL. YES, HERE'S A BOOK WITH A HAPPY ENDING.

YES, HERE'S A BOOK WITH A HAPPY ENDING. FOR YOUR COPY, SEND $8.95 IN

ENDING. FOR YOUR COPY, SEND $8.95 IN CASH OR MONEY ORDER TO...

AND THIS IS DR. RUTH BREADLOAF SAYING TONIGHT, WHY NOT RELAX, CURL UP

DR. RUTH BREADLOAF SAYING TONIGHT, WHY NOT RELAX, CURL UP WITH A GOOD BOOK, AND EAT IT?

THE UNITED STATES DEFENSE DEPARTMENT HAS RECENTLY BEEN TEST-FLYING THE PRESIDENT'S NEW

DEPARTMENT HAS RECENTLY BEEN TEST-FLYING THE PRESIDENT'S NEW FLYING COMMAND POST, A REGULAR

TEST-FLYING THE PRESIDENT'S NEW FLYING COMMAND POST, A REGULAR 747 AIRPLANE WHICH WAS CONVERTED

FLYING COMMAND POST, A REGULAR 747 AIRPLANE WHICH WAS CONVERTED FOR HIS USE IN CASE OF A NUCLEAR

747 AIRPLANE WHICH WAS CONVERTED FOR HIS USE IN CASE OF A NUCLEAR ATTACK.

FOR HIS USE IN CASE OF A NUCLEAR ATTACK. "UPDATE" HAS MADE ARRANGEMENTS

ATTACK. "UPDATE" HAS MADE ARRANGEMENTS TO TAKE ITS CAMERAS ON BOARD THE

"UPDATE" HAS MADE ARRANGEMENTS TO TAKE ITS CAMERAS ON BOARD THE AIRCRAFT.

TO TAKE ITS CAMERAS ON BOARD THE AIRCRAFT. LET'S GO NOW FOR A SPECIAL

AIRCRAFT. LET'S GO NOW FOR A SPECIAL REPORT WITH LARAINE NEWMAN

LET'S GO NOW FOR A SPECIAL REPORT WITH LARAINE NEWMAN SOMEWHERE ABOVE WASHINGTON.

REPORT WITH LARAINE NEWMAN SOMEWHERE ABOVE WASHINGTON. JANE, I'M STANDING INSIDE THE

SOMEWHERE ABOVE WASHINGTON. JANE, I'M STANDING INSIDE THE ELECTRONIC CORE OF THE DEFENSE

JANE, I'M STANDING INSIDE THE ELECTRONIC CORE OF THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT'S EXECUTIVE COMMAND

ELECTRONIC CORE OF THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT'S EXECUTIVE COMMAND FLYING POST.

DEPARTMENT'S EXECUTIVE COMMAND FLYING POST. WITH ME IS MAJOR GENERAL

FLYING POST. WITH ME IS MAJOR GENERAL ROBERT LAZETTE, WHO IS

WITH ME IS MAJOR GENERAL ROBERT LAZETTE, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MAINTENANCE

ROBERT LAZETTE, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MAINTENANCE OF THIS COMPLEX AIRCRAFT.

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MAINTENANCE OF THIS COMPLEX AIRCRAFT. MR. LAZETTE, WHAT IS THIS

OF THIS COMPLEX AIRCRAFT. MR. LAZETTE, WHAT IS THIS CONTROL PANEL WE'RE LOOKING AT

MR. LAZETTE, WHAT IS THIS CONTROL PANEL WE'RE LOOKING AT HERE?

CONTROL PANEL WE'RE LOOKING AT HERE? OKAY, THIS IS A WARNING

HERE? OKAY, THIS IS A WARNING SIGNAL TRANSMITTING AN ARMY

OKAY, THIS IS A WARNING SIGNAL TRANSMITTING AN ARMY CONSOLE... WSTAC.

SIGNAL TRANSMITTING AN ARMY CONSOLE... WSTAC. WE CALL IT "STACY."

CONSOLE... WSTAC. WE CALL IT "STACY." AND WHAT IS STACY'S FUNCTION?

WE CALL IT "STACY." AND WHAT IS STACY'S FUNCTION? OKAY.

AND WHAT IS STACY'S FUNCTION? OKAY. IN THE INSTANCE OF A NUCLEAR

OKAY. IN THE INSTANCE OF A NUCLEAR CONFRONTATION, PRESIDENT CARTER

IN THE INSTANCE OF A NUCLEAR CONFRONTATION, PRESIDENT CARTER CAN BE INSIDE THE PLANE AND

CONFRONTATION, PRESIDENT CARTER CAN BE INSIDE THE PLANE AND AIRBORNE WITHIN 10 MINUTES.

CAN BE INSIDE THE PLANE AND AIRBORNE WITHIN 10 MINUTES. NOW THROUGH THIS CONSOLE, HE'S

AIRBORNE WITHIN 10 MINUTES. NOW THROUGH THIS CONSOLE, HE'S HOOKED INTO THE COMMAND DATA

NOW THROUGH THIS CONSOLE, HE'S HOOKED INTO THE COMMAND DATA BUFFER SYSTEM IN COLORADO.

HOOKED INTO THE COMMAND DATA BUFFER SYSTEM IN COLORADO. HE CAN THEN PROGRAM, CANCEL, AND

BUFFER SYSTEM IN COLORADO. HE CAN THEN PROGRAM, CANCEL, AND RESET ENEMY TARGETS FROM ON

HE CAN THEN PROGRAM, CANCEL, AND RESET ENEMY TARGETS FROM ON BOARD THE AIRCRAFT.

RESET ENEMY TARGETS FROM ON BOARD THE AIRCRAFT. I SEE.

BOARD THE AIRCRAFT. I SEE. WELL, GENERAL, WITH ALL THE

I SEE. WELL, GENERAL, WITH ALL THE FLYING WEAPONRY WHICH WOULD BE

WELL, GENERAL, WITH ALL THE FLYING WEAPONRY WHICH WOULD BE AIRBORNE DURING A NUCLEAR

FLYING WEAPONRY WHICH WOULD BE AIRBORNE DURING A NUCLEAR ATTACK, ISN'T A BIG AIRPLANE

AIRBORNE DURING A NUCLEAR ATTACK, ISN'T A BIG AIRPLANE LIKE THIS PARTICULARLY

ATTACK, ISN'T A BIG AIRPLANE LIKE THIS PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE TO, SAY, A SMALL

LIKE THIS PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE TO, SAY, A SMALL HEAT-SEEKING OR LASER-GUIDED

VULNERABLE TO, SAY, A SMALL HEAT-SEEKING OR LASER-GUIDED DEVICE?

HEAT-SEEKING OR LASER-GUIDED DEVICE? UH...

DEVICE? UH... Y-YEAH, I GUESS SO.

UH... Y-YEAH, I GUESS SO. NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT.

Y-YEAH, I GUESS SO. NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT. THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN ABOARD

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT. THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN ABOARD THE EXPENSIVE AND DANGEROUS

THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN ABOARD THE EXPENSIVE AND DANGEROUS FLYING COMMAND POST.

THE EXPENSIVE AND DANGEROUS FLYING COMMAND POST. YOU'D SEE WHERE IT WAS GONNA

FLYING COMMAND POST. YOU'D SEE WHERE IT WAS GONNA HIT YOU ON THIS LITTLE SCREEN

YOU'D SEE WHERE IT WAS GONNA HIT YOU ON THIS LITTLE SCREEN HERE.

HIT YOU ON THIS LITTLE SCREEN HERE. YOU'D SEE IT BEFORE IT HIT.

HERE. YOU'D SEE IT BEFORE IT HIT. MM-HMM.

YOU'D SEE IT BEFORE IT HIT. MM-HMM. TAKING IT BACK TO YOU, JANE.

MM-HMM. TAKING IT BACK TO YOU, JANE. AN "UPDATE" CORRECTION...

TAKING IT BACK TO YOU, JANE. AN "UPDATE" CORRECTION... LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY

AN "UPDATE" CORRECTION... LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT SUPREME COURT

LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE WARREN BURGER WON THE

REPORTED THAT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE WARREN BURGER WON THE 1958 KENTUCKY DERBY.

JUSTICE WARREN BURGER WON THE 1958 KENTUCKY DERBY. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED.

1958 KENTUCKY DERBY. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT

WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT TOM SNYDER IS ACTUALLY ONE OF A

WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT TOM SNYDER IS ACTUALLY ONE OF A PAIR OF SIAMESE TWINS, AND HIS

TOM SNYDER IS ACTUALLY ONE OF A PAIR OF SIAMESE TWINS, AND HIS MUCH SMALLER SISTER SPENDS MOST

PAIR OF SIAMESE TWINS, AND HIS MUCH SMALLER SISTER SPENDS MOST OF HER TIME INSIDE TOM'S SHIRT

MUCH SMALLER SISTER SPENDS MOST OF HER TIME INSIDE TOM'S SHIRT DOING RESEARCH FOR THE

OF HER TIME INSIDE TOM'S SHIRT DOING RESEARCH FOR THE "TOMORROW" SHOW.

DOING RESEARCH FOR THE "TOMORROW" SHOW. HUGH BENNETT OF ST. LOUIS,

"TOMORROW" SHOW. HUGH BENNETT OF ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI, IS SUING THE FOOD AND

HUGH BENNETT OF ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI, IS SUING THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION FOR

MISSOURI, IS SUING THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION FOR $1 MILLION.

DRUG ADMINISTRATION FOR $1 MILLION. THE 78-YEAR-OLD BENNETT HAS AN

$1 MILLION. THE 78-YEAR-OLD BENNETT HAS AN ELECTRONIC PACEMAKER IN HIS

THE 78-YEAR-OLD BENNETT HAS AN ELECTRONIC PACEMAKER IN HIS HEART WHICH HE SAYS WORKS GREAT

ELECTRONIC PACEMAKER IN HIS HEART WHICH HE SAYS WORKS GREAT EVERY TIME... EXCEPT WHEN HE

HEART WHICH HE SAYS WORKS GREAT EVERY TIME... EXCEPT WHEN HE SNEEZES, HIS GARAGE DOOR GOES

EVERY TIME... EXCEPT WHEN HE SNEEZES, HIS GARAGE DOOR GOES UP.

SNEEZES, HIS GARAGE DOOR GOES UP. HIS CASE WILL BE HEARD LATER

UP. HIS CASE WILL BE HEARD LATER THIS MONTH.

HIS CASE WILL BE HEARD LATER THIS MONTH. THIS JUST RELEASED...

THIS MONTH. THIS JUST RELEASED... ACCORDING TO A UNITED NATIONS

THIS JUST RELEASED... ACCORDING TO A UNITED NATIONS REPORT ON INTERNATIONAL POVERTY,

ACCORDING TO A UNITED NATIONS REPORT ON INTERNATIONAL POVERTY, IN CERTAIN THIRD WORLD

REPORT ON INTERNATIONAL POVERTY, IN CERTAIN THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES, PRINCE SPAGHETTI DAY

IN CERTAIN THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES, PRINCE SPAGHETTI DAY ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR.

COUNTRIES, PRINCE SPAGHETTI DAY ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR. OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT...

ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR. OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT... FOODSAN COMPUTRONICS, A FIRM

OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT... FOODSAN COMPUTRONICS, A FIRM WHICH ORDERS MEALS FOR IN-FLIGHT

FOODSAN COMPUTRONICS, A FIRM WHICH ORDERS MEALS FOR IN-FLIGHT SERVICE FOR MANY AIRLINES, WAS

WHICH ORDERS MEALS FOR IN-FLIGHT SERVICE FOR MANY AIRLINES, WAS FINED $3,000 BY THE CIVIL

SERVICE FOR MANY AIRLINES, WAS FINED $3,000 BY THE CIVIL AERONAUTICS BOARD BECAUSE OF A

FINED $3,000 BY THE CIVIL AERONAUTICS BOARD BECAUSE OF A MIX-UP ON AN EL AL FLIGHT TO

AERONAUTICS BOARD BECAUSE OF A MIX-UP ON AN EL AL FLIGHT TO TEL AVIV.

MIX-UP ON AN EL AL FLIGHT TO TEL AVIV. WHERE THERE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE

TEL AVIV. WHERE THERE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE 250 MEALS CONSISTING OF 185

WHERE THERE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE 250 MEALS CONSISTING OF 185 KOSHER, 15 NORMAL, AND 15

250 MEALS CONSISTING OF 185 KOSHER, 15 NORMAL, AND 15 VEGETARIAN, DUE TO A COMPUTER

KOSHER, 15 NORMAL, AND 15 VEGETARIAN, DUE TO A COMPUTER MIX-UP, ONLY 180 KOSHER, 42

VEGETARIAN, DUE TO A COMPUTER MIX-UP, ONLY 180 KOSHER, 42 NORMAL, AND 3 VEGETARIAN MEALS

MIX-UP, ONLY 180 KOSHER, 42 NORMAL, AND 3 VEGETARIAN MEALS WERE ORDERED.

NORMAL, AND 3 VEGETARIAN MEALS WERE ORDERED. AS A RESULT, THE REMAINING 25

WERE ORDERED. AS A RESULT, THE REMAINING 25 PASSENGERS WITHOUT MEALS WERE

AS A RESULT, THE REMAINING 25 PASSENGERS WITHOUT MEALS WERE FORCED TO BEG SCRAPS OF THE

PASSENGERS WITHOUT MEALS WERE FORCED TO BEG SCRAPS OF THE APPROPRIATE LEFTOVERS FROM OTHER

FORCED TO BEG SCRAPS OF THE APPROPRIATE LEFTOVERS FROM OTHER PASSENGERS, CLOGGING THE AISLES

APPROPRIATE LEFTOVERS FROM OTHER PASSENGERS, CLOGGING THE AISLES AND MAKING THE MEAL SERVICE AN

PASSENGERS, CLOGGING THE AISLES AND MAKING THE MEAL SERVICE AN UNPLEASANT AND MESSY AFFAIR.

AND MAKING THE MEAL SERVICE AN UNPLEASANT AND MESSY AFFAIR. SAID PASSENGER ISAAC SINGER, "AT

UNPLEASANT AND MESSY AFFAIR. SAID PASSENGER ISAAC SINGER, "AT LEAST, THANK GOD, THERE WAS

SAID PASSENGER ISAAC SINGER, "AT LEAST, THANK GOD, THERE WAS ENOUGH TO GO AROUND.

LEAST, THANK GOD, THERE WAS ENOUGH TO GO AROUND. OTHERWISE, WE SHOULD ALL STARVE

ENOUGH TO GO AROUND. OTHERWISE, WE SHOULD ALL STARVE IN THE SKY."

OTHERWISE, WE SHOULD ALL STARVE IN THE SKY." GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

IN THE SKY." GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

PLACES, PLEASE, FOR "BROADWAY BABY." PLACES, PLEASE.

BABY." PLACES, PLEASE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

PLACES, PLEASE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. AND NOW, LADIES AND

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LILY TOMLIN.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LILY TOMLIN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LILY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU ALL NIGHT HOW GREAT IT IS I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE ON

YOU ALL NIGHT HOW GREAT IT IS I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE ON BROADWAY.

THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE ON BROADWAY. WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA BE

BROADWAY. WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA BE AT THE BILTMORE IN MARCH.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA BE AT THE BILTMORE IN MARCH. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, LILY.

AT THE BILTMORE IN MARCH. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, LILY. IT'S GREAT.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, LILY. IT'S GREAT. THANKS, BUT I REALLY DESERVE

IT'S GREAT. THANKS, BUT I REALLY DESERVE THIS.

THANKS, BUT I REALLY DESERVE THIS. I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD EVER

THIS. I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD EVER SINCE I FIRST STARTED OUT IN THE

I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD EVER SINCE I FIRST STARTED OUT IN THE EARLY 1930s.

SINCE I FIRST STARTED OUT IN THE EARLY 1930s. BROADWAY'S BEEN A DREAM OF MINE

EARLY 1930s. BROADWAY'S BEEN A DREAM OF MINE FOR SO LONG... NOT JUST OF MINE,

BROADWAY'S BEEN A DREAM OF MINE FOR SO LONG... NOT JUST OF MINE, BUT OF GILDA'S AND LARAINE'S AND

FOR SO LONG... NOT JUST OF MINE, BUT OF GILDA'S AND LARAINE'S AND JANE'S.

BUT OF GILDA'S AND LARAINE'S AND JANE'S. I REMEMBER WHEN I MET THEM IN

JANE'S. I REMEMBER WHEN I MET THEM IN 1934.

I REMEMBER WHEN I MET THEM IN 1934. WE WERE FLAT BROKE.

1934. WE WERE FLAT BROKE. GOSH, I DON'T KNOW HOW WE KEPT

WE WERE FLAT BROKE. GOSH, I DON'T KNOW HOW WE KEPT OUR SPIRITS UP.

GOSH, I DON'T KNOW HOW WE KEPT OUR SPIRITS UP. OUR HOPES FOR SUCCESS DIMMED

OUR SPIRITS UP. OUR HOPES FOR SUCCESS DIMMED TIME AFTER TIME.

OUR HOPES FOR SUCCESS DIMMED TIME AFTER TIME. BUT WE JUST ATE, SLEPT, AND

TIME AFTER TIME. BUT WE JUST ATE, SLEPT, AND DREAMT BROADWAY.

BUT WE JUST ATE, SLEPT, AND DREAMT BROADWAY. WE REALLY DID.

DREAMT BROADWAY. WE REALLY DID. ONCE BEFORE THE WAR, WE EVEN

WE REALLY DID. ONCE BEFORE THE WAR, WE EVEN SHARED A ONE-ROOM DUMP TOGETHER.

ONCE BEFORE THE WAR, WE EVEN SHARED A ONE-ROOM DUMP TOGETHER. I REMEMBER A DAY... IT WAS

SHARED A ONE-ROOM DUMP TOGETHER. I REMEMBER A DAY... IT WAS JUNE 6, 1938.

I REMEMBER A DAY... IT WAS JUNE 6, 1938. IT WAS A TUESDAY.

JUNE 6, 1938. IT WAS A TUESDAY. I WAS HOLDING A BAR RAG, NOT

IT WAS A TUESDAY. I WAS HOLDING A BAR RAG, NOT UNLIKE THE ONE I'M HOLDING NOW.

I WAS HOLDING A BAR RAG, NOT UNLIKE THE ONE I'M HOLDING NOW. IT WAS DAMP AGAINST MY PALM.

UNLIKE THE ONE I'M HOLDING NOW. IT WAS DAMP AGAINST MY PALM. I WAS SORT OF WIPING THE

IT WAS DAMP AGAINST MY PALM. I WAS SORT OF WIPING THE COUNTER, LIKE THIS, IN THIS

I WAS SORT OF WIPING THE COUNTER, LIKE THIS, IN THIS SLEAZY CAFé I WAS WORKING IN.

COUNTER, LIKE THIS, IN THIS SLEAZY CAFé I WAS WORKING IN. I NOTICED A PIECE OF SPONGE CAKE

SLEAZY CAFé I WAS WORKING IN. I NOTICED A PIECE OF SPONGE CAKE ON THE COUNTER.

I NOTICED A PIECE OF SPONGE CAKE ON THE COUNTER. I PICKED IT UP.

ON THE COUNTER. I PICKED IT UP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME.

I PICKED IT UP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME. I JUST STARTED SINGING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME. I JUST STARTED SINGING. [MUSIC BEGINS]

I JUST STARTED SINGING. [MUSIC BEGINS] ♪ I'M JUST A BROADWAY BABY ♪

[MUSIC BEGINS] ♪ I'M JUST A BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ SLAVIN' AT A FIVE-AND-TEN ♪

♪ I'M JUST A BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ SLAVIN' AT A FIVE-AND-TEN ♪ ♪ WAITIN' FOR THE BIG DAY WHEN

♪ SLAVIN' AT A FIVE-AND-TEN ♪ ♪ WAITIN' FOR THE BIG DAY WHEN I'LL BE IN A SHOW ♪

♪ WAITIN' FOR THE BIG DAY WHEN I'LL BE IN A SHOW ♪ ♪ BROADWAY BABY ♪

I'LL BE IN A SHOW ♪ ♪ BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ MAKIN' ROUNDS ALL AFTERNOON ♪

♪ BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ MAKIN' ROUNDS ALL AFTERNOON ♪ ♪ EATIN' AT A GREASY SPOON

♪ MAKIN' ROUNDS ALL AFTERNOON ♪ ♪ EATIN' AT A GREASY SPOON TO SAVE ON MY DO-O-O-UGH ♪

♪ EATIN' AT A GREASY SPOON TO SAVE ON MY DO-O-O-UGH ♪ ♪ AT MY TINY FLAT

TO SAVE ON MY DO-O-O-UGH ♪ ♪ AT MY TINY FLAT THERE'S JUST MY CAT,

♪ AT MY TINY FLAT THERE'S JUST MY CAT, A BED, AND A CHAIR ♪

THERE'S JUST MY CAT, A BED, AND A CHAIR ♪ ♪ STILL I'LL STICK IT TILL

A BED, AND A CHAIR ♪ ♪ STILL I'LL STICK IT TILL I'M ON A BILL

♪ STILL I'LL STICK IT TILL I'M ON A BILL ALL OVER TIMES SQUARE ♪

I'M ON A BILL ALL OVER TIMES SQUARE ♪ ♪ I'M JUST A BROADWAY BABY ♪

ALL OVER TIMES SQUARE ♪ ♪ I'M JUST A BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ WALKIN' OFF MY TIRED FEET ♪

♪ I'M JUST A BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ WALKIN' OFF MY TIRED FEET ♪ ♪ POUNDIN' 42nd STREET

♪ WALKIN' OFF MY TIRED FEET ♪ ♪ POUNDIN' 42nd STREET TO BE IN A SHOW ♪

♪ POUNDIN' 42nd STREET TO BE IN A SHOW ♪ ♪ BROADWAY BABY ♪

TO BE IN A SHOW ♪ ♪ BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ LEARNIN' HOW TO SING

♪ BROADWAY BABY ♪ ♪ LEARNIN' HOW TO SING AND DANCE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' HOW TO SING AND DANCE ♪ ♪ WAITIN' FOR THE ONE BIG CHANCE

AND DANCE ♪ ♪ WAITIN' FOR THE ONE BIG CHANCE TO BE IN A SHO-O-O-W ♪

♪ WAITIN' FOR THE ONE BIG CHANCE TO BE IN A SHO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ GEE, I'D LIKE TO BE

TO BE IN A SHO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ GEE, I'D LIKE TO BE ON SOME MARQUIS,

♪ GEE, I'D LIKE TO BE ON SOME MARQUIS, ALL TWINKLIN' LIGHTS ♪

ON SOME MARQUIS, ALL TWINKLIN' LIGHTS ♪ ♪ A SPARK TO PIERCE THE DARK

ALL TWINKLIN' LIGHTS ♪ ♪ A SPARK TO PIERCE THE DARK FROM BATTERY PARK

♪ A SPARK TO PIERCE THE DARK FROM BATTERY PARK WAY UP TO WASHINGTON HEIGHTS ♪

FROM BATTERY PARK WAY UP TO WASHINGTON HEIGHTS ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY MAYBE ♪

WAY UP TO WASHINGTON HEIGHTS ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY MAYBE ♪ ♪ ALL MY DREAMS WILL BE REPAID ♪

♪ SOMEDAY MAYBE ♪ ♪ ALL MY DREAMS WILL BE REPAID ♪ ♪ HELL, I'D EVEN PLAY

♪ ALL MY DREAMS WILL BE REPAID ♪ ♪ HELL, I'D EVEN PLAY THE MAID ♪

♪ HELL, I'D EVEN PLAY THE MAID ♪ ♪ TO BE IN A SHOW ♪

THE MAID ♪ ♪ TO BE IN A SHOW ♪ ♪ SAY, MR. PRODUCER ♪

♪ TO BE IN A SHOW ♪ ♪ SAY, MR. PRODUCER ♪ ♪ YEAH? ♪

♪ SAY, MR. PRODUCER ♪ ♪ YEAH? ♪ ♪ I'M TALKING TO YOU, SIR ♪

♪ YEAH? ♪ ♪ I'M TALKING TO YOU, SIR ♪ ♪ I DON'T NEED A LOT,

♪ I'M TALKING TO YOU, SIR ♪ ♪ I DON'T NEED A LOT, ONLY WHAT I GOT ♪

♪ I DON'T NEED A LOT, ONLY WHAT I GOT ♪ ♪ PLUS, A TUBE OF GREASEPAINT

ONLY WHAT I GOT ♪ ♪ PLUS, A TUBE OF GREASEPAINT AND A FOLLOW SPOT ♪

♪ PLUS, A TUBE OF GREASEPAINT AND A FOLLOW SPOT ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY MAYBE ♪

AND A FOLLOW SPOT ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY MAYBE ♪ ♪ IF I STICK IT LONG ENOUGH ♪

♪ SOMEDAY MAYBE ♪ ♪ IF I STICK IT LONG ENOUGH ♪ ♪ I MIGHT GET

♪ IF I STICK IT LONG ENOUGH ♪ ♪ I MIGHT GET TO STRUT MY STUFF ♪

♪ I MIGHT GET TO STRUT MY STUFF ♪ ♪ IN A BIG... ♪

TO STRUT MY STUFF ♪ ♪ IN A BIG... ♪ ♪ TIME... ♪

♪ IN A BIG... ♪ ♪ TIME... ♪ ♪ BROAD... ♪

♪ TIME... ♪ ♪ BROAD... ♪ ♪ WAY ♪

♪ BROAD... ♪ ♪ WAY ♪ ♪ I DON'T NEED A LOT ♪

♪ WAY ♪ ♪ I DON'T NEED A LOT ♪ ♪ ONLY WHAT I'VE GOT ♪

♪ I DON'T NEED A LOT ♪ ♪ ONLY WHAT I'VE GOT ♪ ♪ PLUS, A TUBE

♪ ONLY WHAT I'VE GOT ♪ ♪ PLUS, A TUBE OF GREASEPAINT ♪

♪ PLUS, A TUBE OF GREASEPAINT ♪ ♪ AND A FOLLOW SPOT ♪

OF GREASEPAINT ♪ ♪ AND A FOLLOW SPOT ♪ ♪ IN A BIG-TIME

♪ AND A FOLLOW SPOT ♪ ♪ IN A BIG-TIME BROADWAY SHOW ♪

I'M SORRY, MR. AND MRS. DIONOSOPOLIS, BUT YOUR SON CAN'T GET ANY CLOSER TO DEATH

MRS. DIONOSOPOLIS, BUT YOUR SON CAN'T GET ANY CLOSER TO DEATH THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW.

CAN'T GET ANY CLOSER TO DEATH THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW. TOMORROW'S HIS BIRTHDAY.

THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW. TOMORROW'S HIS BIRTHDAY. DOCTOR, ISN'T THERE A CHANCE

TOMORROW'S HIS BIRTHDAY. DOCTOR, ISN'T THERE A CHANCE THAT BUDDY COULD COME OUT OF

DOCTOR, ISN'T THERE A CHANCE THAT BUDDY COULD COME OUT OF THIS COMA?

THAT BUDDY COULD COME OUT OF THIS COMA? WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS

THIS COMA? WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY. IF YOU WANT TO GET BUDDY

WAY. IF YOU WANT TO GET BUDDY SOMETHING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, I'D

IF YOU WANT TO GET BUDDY SOMETHING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, I'D SUGGEST MOSS FOR HIS NORTH SIDE.

SOMETHING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, I'D SUGGEST MOSS FOR HIS NORTH SIDE. [CRYING]

SUGGEST MOSS FOR HIS NORTH SIDE. [CRYING] HEY!

[CRYING] HEY! JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THINGS UP

HEY! JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT!

JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT! THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

A LITTLE BIT! THANK YOU, DOCTOR. IT'S A GOOD JOKE.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR. IT'S A GOOD JOKE. IT IS.

IT'S A GOOD JOKE. IT IS. I'M SURE THAT BUDDY WOULD HAVE

IT IS. I'M SURE THAT BUDDY WOULD HAVE LAUGHED.

I'M SURE THAT BUDDY WOULD HAVE LAUGHED. WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW

LAUGHED. WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THE MACHINE THAT KEEPS

WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THE MACHINE THAT KEEPS BUDDY ALIVE IS COSTING YOU $500

THAT THE MACHINE THAT KEEPS BUDDY ALIVE IS COSTING YOU $500 A DAY.

BUDDY ALIVE IS COSTING YOU $500 A DAY. [MONITOR BEEPING]

A DAY. [MONITOR BEEPING] I THINK YOU'D BETTER PULL THE

[MONITOR BEEPING] I THINK YOU'D BETTER PULL THE PLUG, DOCTOR.

I THINK YOU'D BETTER PULL THE PLUG, DOCTOR. BUDDY!

PLUG, DOCTOR. BUDDY! NOW YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN

BUDDY! NOW YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID.

NOW YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID. BUDDY HAS NO MOTOR REFLEXES, HIS

SAID. BUDDY HAS NO MOTOR REFLEXES, HIS MIND IS GONE.

BUDDY HAS NO MOTOR REFLEXES, HIS MIND IS GONE. DO YOU THINK HE'S HAVING FUN?

MIND IS GONE. DO YOU THINK HE'S HAVING FUN? LOOK AT THAT!

DO YOU THINK HE'S HAVING FUN? LOOK AT THAT! NOW LISTEN.

LOOK AT THAT! NOW LISTEN. ACCORDING TO LAW, I CANNOT

NOW LISTEN. ACCORDING TO LAW, I CANNOT DELIBERATELY PULL THE PLUG.

ACCORDING TO LAW, I CANNOT DELIBERATELY PULL THE PLUG. I SEE.

DELIBERATELY PULL THE PLUG. I SEE. BUT, UH, IF THE PLUG WERE TO,

I SEE. BUT, UH, IF THE PLUG WERE TO, UH, "ACCIDENTALLY" BE PULLED

BUT, UH, IF THE PLUG WERE TO, UH, "ACCIDENTALLY" BE PULLED FROM THE WALL, I DON'T THINK

UH, "ACCIDENTALLY" BE PULLED FROM THE WALL, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S GONNA MAKE A FEDERAL

FROM THE WALL, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S GONNA MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF IT.

ANYBODY'S GONNA MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF IT. I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

CASE OUT OF IT. I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, HUH?

I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, HUH? MM-HMM.

TALKING ABOUT, HUH? MM-HMM. WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY

MM-HMM. WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY JUST PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY.

WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY JUST PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY. HONEY!

JUST PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY. HONEY! CATHY, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS,

HONEY! CATHY, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS, BUT ABOUT A YEAR AGO, BUDDY CAME

CATHY, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS, BUT ABOUT A YEAR AGO, BUDDY CAME TO ME, AND HE SAID, "DAD, IF I'M

BUT ABOUT A YEAR AGO, BUDDY CAME TO ME, AND HE SAID, "DAD, IF I'M EVER IN A BAD ACCIDENT AT WORK,

TO ME, AND HE SAID, "DAD, IF I'M EVER IN A BAD ACCIDENT AT WORK, AND I'M HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A

EVER IN A BAD ACCIDENT AT WORK, AND I'M HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER AND LAPSE INTO A

AND I'M HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER AND LAPSE INTO A COMA AND HAVE TO BE KEPT ALIVE

SLEDGEHAMMER AND LAPSE INTO A COMA AND HAVE TO BE KEPT ALIVE BY A MACHINE, I WANT TO DIE WITH

COMA AND HAVE TO BE KEPT ALIVE BY A MACHINE, I WANT TO DIE WITH DIGNITY.

BY A MACHINE, I WANT TO DIE WITH DIGNITY. SO PLEASE PULL THE PLUG."

DIGNITY. SO PLEASE PULL THE PLUG." WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY THAT

SO PLEASE PULL THE PLUG." WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY THAT BUDDY WANTS IT, THEN PULL THE

WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY THAT BUDDY WANTS IT, THEN PULL THE PLUG.

BUDDY WANTS IT, THEN PULL THE PLUG. ACCIDENTALLY.

PLUG. ACCIDENTALLY. ACCIDENTALLY.

ACCIDENTALLY. ACCIDENTALLY. ACCIDENTALLY.

ACCIDENTALLY. ACCIDENTALLY. OKAY!

ACCIDENTALLY. OKAY! WELL, HEY, I'VE GOT TO

OKAY! WELL, HEY, I'VE GOT TO [CLEARS THROAT] RUN UP TO

WELL, HEY, I'VE GOT TO [CLEARS THROAT] RUN UP TO SURGERY.

[CLEARS THROAT] RUN UP TO SURGERY. I'M KIND OF LATE RIGHT NOW.

SURGERY. I'M KIND OF LATE RIGHT NOW. SO I'LL PROBABLY BE TAKING OFF!

I'M KIND OF LATE RIGHT NOW. SO I'LL PROBABLY BE TAKING OFF! SEE YOU LATER.

SO I'LL PROBABLY BE TAKING OFF! SEE YOU LATER. THEY'RE CALLING ME!

SEE YOU LATER. THEY'RE CALLING ME! OH, NO!

THEY'RE CALLING ME! OH, NO! MY LEG IS TANGLED IN THE CORD!

OH, NO! MY LEG IS TANGLED IN THE CORD! IT COULD CUT OFF THE

MY LEG IS TANGLED IN THE CORD! IT COULD CUT OFF THE CIRCULATION!

IT COULD CUT OFF THE CIRCULATION! HELP ME!

CIRCULATION! HELP ME! OKAY.

HELP ME! OKAY. HERE, HERE.

OKAY. HERE, HERE. LET ME GET YOUR FOOT OUT.

HERE, HERE. LET ME GET YOUR FOOT OUT. YEAH!

LET ME GET YOUR FOOT OUT. YEAH! MAYBE WE CAN JUST PULL ON IT.

HI, MOM! HI, DAD! I'M NOT IN A COMA ANYMORE!

HI, DAD! I'M NOT IN A COMA ANYMORE! BUDDY!

I'M NOT IN A COMA ANYMORE! BUDDY! OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BUDDY! OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WERE YOU PULLING THE PLUG ON ME?

OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WERE YOU PULLING THE PLUG ON ME? BUDDY, THE DOCTOR TOLD US YOU

WERE YOU PULLING THE PLUG ON ME? BUDDY, THE DOCTOR TOLD US YOU WERE A VEGETABLE.

BUDDY, THE DOCTOR TOLD US YOU WERE A VEGETABLE. I, FOR ONE, AM BAFFLED!

WERE A VEGETABLE. I, FOR ONE, AM BAFFLED! BUT PULLING THE PLUG?

I, FOR ONE, AM BAFFLED! BUT PULLING THE PLUG? HONEY, WE WERE JUST DOING

BUT PULLING THE PLUG? HONEY, WE WERE JUST DOING WHAT YOU TOLD YOUR FATHER ABOUT

HONEY, WE WERE JUST DOING WHAT YOU TOLD YOUR FATHER ABOUT "DYING WITH DIGNITY," YOU KNOW?

WHAT YOU TOLD YOUR FATHER ABOUT "DYING WITH DIGNITY," YOU KNOW? IF YOU EVER GOT HIT IN THE HEAD

"DYING WITH DIGNITY," YOU KNOW? IF YOU EVER GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER AND HAD TO

IF YOU EVER GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER AND HAD TO BE KEPT ALIVE BY MACHINES?

WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER AND HAD TO BE KEPT ALIVE BY MACHINES? YOU REMEMBER.

BE KEPT ALIVE BY MACHINES? YOU REMEMBER. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE

YOU REMEMBER. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT, MOM.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT, MOM. OH, YEAH.

THAT, MOM. OH, YEAH. YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU?

OH, YEAH. YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU? IT WAS THAT ONE DAY, REMEMBER?

YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU? IT WAS THAT ONE DAY, REMEMBER? YOU WEREN'T ACTING YOURSELF.

IT WAS THAT ONE DAY, REMEMBER? YOU WEREN'T ACTING YOURSELF. YOU WERE REAL STRANGE.

YOU WEREN'T ACTING YOURSELF. YOU WERE REAL STRANGE. I THOUGHT, "GEE, THAT'S NOT LIKE

YOU WERE REAL STRANGE. I THOUGHT, "GEE, THAT'S NOT LIKE BUDDY, WANTS TO DIE LIKE THAT."

I THOUGHT, "GEE, THAT'S NOT LIKE BUDDY, WANTS TO DIE LIKE THAT." BUT I FIGURED, "WHAT THE HECK?

BUDDY, WANTS TO DIE LIKE THAT." BUT I FIGURED, "WHAT THE HECK? OKAY."

BUT I FIGURED, "WHAT THE HECK? OKAY." YOU SAID IT, THOUGH!

OKAY." YOU SAID IT, THOUGH! YOU SAID IT.

YOU SAID IT, THOUGH! YOU SAID IT. YOU JUST FORGOT.

YOU SAID IT. YOU JUST FORGOT. I PROBABLY FORGOT.

YOU JUST FORGOT. I PROBABLY FORGOT. WELL, BUDDY, YOU FEEL GOOD

I PROBABLY FORGOT. WELL, BUDDY, YOU FEEL GOOD ENOUGH TO GO HOME?

WELL, BUDDY, YOU FEEL GOOD ENOUGH TO GO HOME? I GOT A LITTLE HEADACHE, BUT

ENOUGH TO GO HOME? I GOT A LITTLE HEADACHE, BUT I FEEL JUST GREAT!

I GOT A LITTLE HEADACHE, BUT I FEEL JUST GREAT! ALL RIGHT.

I FEEL JUST GREAT! ALL RIGHT. I'LL FIX YOU A NICE, BIG

ALL RIGHT. I'LL FIX YOU A NICE, BIG LUNCH.

I'LL FIX YOU A NICE, BIG LUNCH. AND WE'LL GO HUNTING FIRST

LUNCH. AND WE'LL GO HUNTING FIRST THING NEXT WEEK, OKAY?

AND WE'LL GO HUNTING FIRST THING NEXT WEEK, OKAY? THANKS A LOT, DOCTOR.

THING NEXT WEEK, OKAY? THANKS A LOT, DOCTOR. THANKS FOR ALMOST KILLING LITTLE

THANKS A LOT, DOCTOR. THANKS FOR ALMOST KILLING LITTLE BUDDY!

THANKS FOR ALMOST KILLING LITTLE BUDDY! [DOOR SLAMS]

BUDDY! [DOOR SLAMS] WELL, EXCU-U-U-U-U-SE ME!

IN MY HOMETOWN, NEW ORLEANS, ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS EATING PLACES IS BUSTER HOLMES'

ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS EATING PLACES IS BUSTER HOLMES' FABULOUS RESTAURANT ON

PLACES IS BUSTER HOLMES' FABULOUS RESTAURANT ON BURGUNDY STREET.

FABULOUS RESTAURANT ON BURGUNDY STREET. NOW BUSTER HOLMES COOKS

BURGUNDY STREET. NOW BUSTER HOLMES COOKS EVERYTHING SO GOOD, HE'LL MAKE

NOW BUSTER HOLMES COOKS EVERYTHING SO GOOD, HE'LL MAKE YOU SMACK YOUR MAMMY.

EVERYTHING SO GOOD, HE'LL MAKE YOU SMACK YOUR MAMMY. BUT THERE'S ONE THING

YOU SMACK YOUR MAMMY. BUT THERE'S ONE THING BUSTER HOLMES COOKS BETTER THAN

BUT THERE'S ONE THING BUSTER HOLMES COOKS BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

BUSTER HOLMES COOKS BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE. ♪ HOLMES IS THE SPACE

ANYBODY ELSE. ♪ HOLMES IS THE SPACE DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS

♪ HOLMES IS THE SPACE DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS WHERE YOU CAN GET YOUR STOMACH

DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS WHERE YOU CAN GET YOUR STOMACH FULL OF RED BEANS AND RICE ♪

WHERE YOU CAN GET YOUR STOMACH FULL OF RED BEANS AND RICE ♪ ♪ FOR 40 CENTS ♪

FULL OF RED BEANS AND RICE ♪ ♪ FOR 40 CENTS ♪ THIS IS BUSTER HOLMES, THE

♪ FOR 40 CENTS ♪ THIS IS BUSTER HOLMES, THE KING OF RED BEANS.

THIS IS BUSTER HOLMES, THE KING OF RED BEANS. I HAVE ALL KINDS... HAM

KING OF RED BEANS. I HAVE ALL KINDS... HAM SANDWICH, POOR BOYS THAT LONG,

I HAVE ALL KINDS... HAM SANDWICH, POOR BOYS THAT LONG, AND BREAD AND BUTTER ANY WAY YOU

SANDWICH, POOR BOYS THAT LONG, AND BREAD AND BUTTER ANY WAY YOU WANT IT.

AND BREAD AND BUTTER ANY WAY YOU WANT IT. THAT'S TO GO, IF YOU WANT.

WANT IT. THAT'S TO GO, IF YOU WANT. HAMBURGERS, WEENIES... ALL THAT

THAT'S TO GO, IF YOU WANT. HAMBURGERS, WEENIES... ALL THAT GOING.

HAMBURGERS, WEENIES... ALL THAT GOING. TAKE HIS MEALS ON A PLANE.

GOING. TAKE HIS MEALS ON A PLANE. LET HIM TRAVEL WITH IT.

TAKE HIS MEALS ON A PLANE. LET HIM TRAVEL WITH IT. WE GOT FRIED CHICKEN, MEAT LOAF,

LET HIM TRAVEL WITH IT. WE GOT FRIED CHICKEN, MEAT LOAF, AND A HOT SAUSAGE, SMOKED

WE GOT FRIED CHICKEN, MEAT LOAF, AND A HOT SAUSAGE, SMOKED SAUSAGE AND A BAKED HAM AND RED

AND A HOT SAUSAGE, SMOKED SAUSAGE AND A BAKED HAM AND RED BEANS.

SAUSAGE AND A BAKED HAM AND RED BEANS. BEST SOUL FOOD THEY GOT HERE

BEANS. BEST SOUL FOOD THEY GOT HERE IN THE QUARTER.

BEST SOUL FOOD THEY GOT HERE IN THE QUARTER. PRICES ARE RIGHT, AND I KNOW

IN THE QUARTER. PRICES ARE RIGHT, AND I KNOW SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT COME

PRICES ARE RIGHT, AND I KNOW SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT COME HERE.

SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT COME HERE. I'M HAVING VEGETABLES, BROWN

HERE. I'M HAVING VEGETABLES, BROWN GRAVY AND RICE AND MEAT LOAF.

I'M HAVING VEGETABLES, BROWN GRAVY AND RICE AND MEAT LOAF. IT'S CALLED REAL SOUL FOOD.

GRAVY AND RICE AND MEAT LOAF. IT'S CALLED REAL SOUL FOOD. RIGHT, POP.

IT'S CALLED REAL SOUL FOOD. RIGHT, POP. YEAH, EVERYBODY LOVES THESE

RIGHT, POP. YEAH, EVERYBODY LOVES THESE RED BEANS.

YEAH, EVERYBODY LOVES THESE RED BEANS. MEAT LOAF, MEATBALLS... ANYTHING

RED BEANS. MEAT LOAF, MEATBALLS... ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH THEM RED BEANS.

MEAT LOAF, MEATBALLS... ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH THEM RED BEANS. I LIKE TO FEED PEOPLE.

YOU WANT WITH THEM RED BEANS. I LIKE TO FEED PEOPLE. EVERYBODY LOVES BUSTER'S, AND

I LIKE TO FEED PEOPLE. EVERYBODY LOVES BUSTER'S, AND BUSTER LOVES THE PEOPLE, AND HE

EVERYBODY LOVES BUSTER'S, AND BUSTER LOVES THE PEOPLE, AND HE KEEP THEM A-GOING.

BUSTER LOVES THE PEOPLE, AND HE KEEP THEM A-GOING. ALL THE BREAD AND BUTTER THEY

KEEP THEM A-GOING. ALL THE BREAD AND BUTTER THEY WANT WITH THAT SOUL FOOD.

ALL THE BREAD AND BUTTER THEY WANT WITH THAT SOUL FOOD. EVERYTHING IS LOVELY HERE THIS

WANT WITH THAT SOUL FOOD. EVERYTHING IS LOVELY HERE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

EVERYTHING IS LOVELY HERE THIS TIME OF YEAR. Y'ALL COMING IN, BABY?

TIME OF YEAR. Y'ALL COMING IN, BABY? COME ON.

Y'ALL COMING IN, BABY? COME ON. Y'ALL COMING IN?

COME ON. Y'ALL COMING IN? COME ON IN.

Y'ALL COMING IN? COME ON IN. COME ON IN.

COME ON IN. COME ON IN. GO AHEAD ON IN, BABY.

COME ON IN. GO AHEAD ON IN, BABY. HEY!

GO AHEAD ON IN, BABY. HEY! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HEY! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. OKAY, EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. OKAY, EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT? OKAY.

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "HOLLYWOOD BINGO." SO LET'S BRING OUT YOUR HOST,

TO PLAY "HOLLYWOOD BINGO." SO LET'S BRING OUT YOUR HOST, GERN BLANSTON.

SO LET'S BRING OUT YOUR HOST, GERN BLANSTON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GERN BLANSTON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, DON PARDO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, DON PARDO. THANK YOU AND GOOD EVENING.

THANK YOU, DON PARDO. THANK YOU AND GOOD EVENING. I'M GERN BLANSTON, AND WELCOME

THANK YOU AND GOOD EVENING. I'M GERN BLANSTON, AND WELCOME TO "HOLLYWOOD BINGO," WHERE YOU

I'M GERN BLANSTON, AND WELCOME TO "HOLLYWOOD BINGO," WHERE YOU MEET THE BIG STARS, GO FOR THE

TO "HOLLYWOOD BINGO," WHERE YOU MEET THE BIG STARS, GO FOR THE BIG PRIZES AND THE BIG MONEY.

MEET THE BIG STARS, GO FOR THE BIG PRIZES AND THE BIG MONEY. YOU KNOW HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED.

BIG PRIZES AND THE BIG MONEY. YOU KNOW HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED. SIX ACROSS, UP AND DOWN...

YOU KNOW HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED. SIX ACROSS, UP AND DOWN... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

SIX ACROSS, UP AND DOWN... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] OKAY, NOW LET'S MEET THE STARS.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH] OKAY, NOW LET'S MEET THE STARS. HELLO, STARS!

OKAY, NOW LET'S MEET THE STARS. HELLO, STARS! All: HELLO, GERN!

HELLO, STARS! All: HELLO, GERN! OKAY, ALL THE WAY UP IN THE

All: HELLO, GERN! OKAY, ALL THE WAY UP IN THE "B," WHY IT'S THAT LATINO HOT

OKAY, ALL THE WAY UP IN THE "B," WHY IT'S THAT LATINO HOT TAMALE, CHARO!

"B," WHY IT'S THAT LATINO HOT TAMALE, CHARO! OOH...

TAMALE, CHARO! OOH... [SPEAKING SPANISH]

OOH... [SPEAKING SPANISH] CHARO WILL BE APPEARING AT

[SPEAKING SPANISH] CHARO WILL BE APPEARING AT THE IMPERIAL LAKE TAHOE.

CHARO WILL BE APPEARING AT THE IMPERIAL LAKE TAHOE. SAY, IF ANYONE CAN, THE CANDY

THE IMPERIAL LAKE TAHOE. SAY, IF ANYONE CAN, THE CANDY MAN CAN, 'CAUSE THE CANDY MAN IS

SAY, IF ANYONE CAN, THE CANDY MAN CAN, 'CAUSE THE CANDY MAN IS NONE OTHER THAN I-19,

MAN CAN, 'CAUSE THE CANDY MAN IS NONE OTHER THAN I-19, SAMMY DAVIS JR.!

NONE OTHER THAN I-19, SAMMY DAVIS JR.! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME, MAN.

SAMMY DAVIS JR.! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME, MAN. THANK YOU, SAMMY.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME, MAN. THANK YOU, SAMMY. SAMMY WILL BE OPENING AT THE

THANK YOU, SAMMY. SAMMY WILL BE OPENING AT THE DUNE WITH DEAN IN VEGAS.

SAMMY WILL BE OPENING AT THE DUNE WITH DEAN IN VEGAS. SAY, HERE'S A CRAZY, KOOKY NUT

DUNE WITH DEAN IN VEGAS. SAY, HERE'S A CRAZY, KOOKY NUT WHO SEES THINGS SAMMY'S WAY...

SAY, HERE'S A CRAZY, KOOKY NUT WHO SEES THINGS SAMMY'S WAY... SANDY DUNCAN!

WHO SEES THINGS SAMMY'S WAY... SANDY DUNCAN! HI, EVERYBODY.

SANDY DUNCAN! HI, EVERYBODY. I'LL BE STARRING IN STRATFORD,

HI, EVERYBODY. I'LL BE STARRING IN STRATFORD, CONNECTICUT, WHERE I'LL BE

I'LL BE STARRING IN STRATFORD, CONNECTICUT, WHERE I'LL BE PLAYING KATE IN "TAMING OF THE

CONNECTICUT, WHERE I'LL BE PLAYING KATE IN "TAMING OF THE SHREW."

PLAYING KATE IN "TAMING OF THE SHREW." NEXT, THE MAN WHO'S A MOVIE

SHREW." NEXT, THE MAN WHO'S A MOVIE STAR, A GOURMET CHEF, ALL-AROUND

NEXT, THE MAN WHO'S A MOVIE STAR, A GOURMET CHEF, ALL-AROUND GREAT GUY, G-50, VINCENT PRICE.

STAR, A GOURMET CHEF, ALL-AROUND GREAT GUY, G-50, VINCENT PRICE. YOU KNOW I ADORE DOING THE

GREAT GUY, G-50, VINCENT PRICE. YOU KNOW I ADORE DOING THE SHOW, GERN, AND I JUST WANT TO

YOU KNOW I ADORE DOING THE SHOW, GERN, AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I HAVE A COOKBOOK COMING OUT

SHOW, GERN, AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I HAVE A COOKBOOK COMING OUT FROM VIKING PRESS.

SAY I HAVE A COOKBOOK COMING OUT FROM VIKING PRESS. IT'S CALLED "THROUGH HIS

FROM VIKING PRESS. IT'S CALLED "THROUGH HIS STOMACH."

IT'S CALLED "THROUGH HIS STOMACH." HEY, OUR NEXT GAL IS A GREAT,

STOMACH." HEY, OUR NEXT GAL IS A GREAT, OLD GAL... THE LOVELY OR

HEY, OUR NEXT GAL IS A GREAT, OLD GAL... THE LOVELY OR TALENTED ROSE MARIE.

OLD GAL... THE LOVELY OR TALENTED ROSE MARIE. [LAUGHS]

TALENTED ROSE MARIE. [LAUGHS] WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE

[LAUGHS] WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE SHOW?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE SHOW? ROSE WILL BE APPEARING ON OLD

SHOW? ROSE WILL BE APPEARING ON OLD RERUNS OF THE "DICK VAN DYKE

ROSE WILL BE APPEARING ON OLD RERUNS OF THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW."

RERUNS OF THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW." HEY, I LOVE TO KID OUR NEXT

SHOW." HEY, I LOVE TO KID OUR NEXT STAR, MR. SHOWBIZ HIMSELF, B-8,

HEY, I LOVE TO KID OUR NEXT STAR, MR. SHOWBIZ HIMSELF, B-8, GEORGIE JESSEL.

STAR, MR. SHOWBIZ HIMSELF, B-8, GEORGIE JESSEL. IT'S A REAL PLEASURE TO BE

GEORGIE JESSEL. IT'S A REAL PLEASURE TO BE HERE, GERN, AND BELIEVE ME, AT

IT'S A REAL PLEASURE TO BE HERE, GERN, AND BELIEVE ME, AT MY AGE, IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE

HERE, GERN, AND BELIEVE ME, AT MY AGE, IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE ANYWHERE.

MY AGE, IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE ANYWHERE. [LAUGHS]

ANYWHERE. [LAUGHS] GEORGIE JUST CUT AN ALBUM ON THE

[LAUGHS] GEORGIE JUST CUT AN ALBUM ON THE MCA LABEL... "JESSEL DOES IT TO

GEORGIE JUST CUT AN ALBUM ON THE MCA LABEL... "JESSEL DOES IT TO JOLSON."

MCA LABEL... "JESSEL DOES IT TO JOLSON." HEY, I'M REAL PROUD TO BE ABLE

JOLSON." HEY, I'M REAL PROUD TO BE ABLE TO CALL OUR NEXT STAR MY CLOSE

HEY, I'M REAL PROUD TO BE ABLE TO CALL OUR NEXT STAR MY CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND, MR. TELEVISION

TO CALL OUR NEXT STAR MY CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND, MR. TELEVISION HIMSELF, HAL LINDEN.

PERSONAL FRIEND, MR. TELEVISION HIMSELF, HAL LINDEN. YOU KNOW, I LOVE

HIMSELF, HAL LINDEN. YOU KNOW, I LOVE "BARNEY MILLER," BUT MY REAL

YOU KNOW, I LOVE "BARNEY MILLER," BUT MY REAL ROOTS ARE IN THE LEGITIMATE

"BARNEY MILLER," BUT MY REAL ROOTS ARE IN THE LEGITIMATE THEATER, AND I...

ROOTS ARE IN THE LEGITIMATE THEATER, AND I... GREAT. GREAT, HAL.

THEATER, AND I... GREAT. GREAT, HAL. HAL'S HOPING TO DO A GUEST SHOT

GREAT. GREAT, HAL. HAL'S HOPING TO DO A GUEST SHOT ON THE McLEAN STEVENSON SHOW

HAL'S HOPING TO DO A GUEST SHOT ON THE McLEAN STEVENSON SHOW NEXT YEAR.

ON THE McLEAN STEVENSON SHOW NEXT YEAR. GOOD LUCK ON THAT ONE, HAL.

NEXT YEAR. GOOD LUCK ON THAT ONE, HAL. HEY, HERE'S A STAR WHO MADE THE

GOOD LUCK ON THAT ONE, HAL. HEY, HERE'S A STAR WHO MADE THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSITION FROM

HEY, HERE'S A STAR WHO MADE THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSITION FROM MOVIES TO TELEVISION, THE STAR

SUCCESSFUL TRANSITION FROM MOVIES TO TELEVISION, THE STAR OF "BARETTA," ROBERT BLAKE.

MOVIES TO TELEVISION, THE STAR OF "BARETTA," ROBERT BLAKE. FIVE YEARS AGO, I WOULDN'T

OF "BARETTA," ROBERT BLAKE. FIVE YEARS AGO, I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS SHOW ON A DARE.

FIVE YEARS AGO, I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS SHOW ON A DARE. I'M DOING IT NOW BECAUSE I GOT A

HAVE DONE THIS SHOW ON A DARE. I'M DOING IT NOW BECAUSE I GOT A BIG HIT.

I'M DOING IT NOW BECAUSE I GOT A BIG HIT. YOU CAN BANK ON THAT.

BIG HIT. YOU CAN BANK ON THAT. "DESE, DEM, DOSE."

YOU CAN BANK ON THAT. "DESE, DEM, DOSE." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE

"DESE, DEM, DOSE." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TO SAY, IF GOD HAD ANGELS AS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TO SAY, IF GOD HAD ANGELS AS PRETTY AS THIS NEXT GUEST, HE

TO SAY, IF GOD HAD ANGELS AS PRETTY AS THIS NEXT GUEST, HE WOULDN'T HAVE DIED.

PRETTY AS THIS NEXT GUEST, HE WOULDN'T HAVE DIED. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WOULDN'T HAVE DIED. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FARRAH FAWCETT MAJORS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FARRAH FAWCETT MAJORS. YOU KNOW, FARRAH AND HER HAIR

FARRAH FAWCETT MAJORS. YOU KNOW, FARRAH AND HER HAIR WILL BE APPEARING IN SEPARATE

YOU KNOW, FARRAH AND HER HAIR WILL BE APPEARING IN SEPARATE CITIES.

WILL BE APPEARING IN SEPARATE CITIES. AND NOW A FONZIE LOOK-ALIKE,

CITIES. AND NOW A FONZIE LOOK-ALIKE, STEFFY HELLERS, O-67.

AND NOW A FONZIE LOOK-ALIKE, STEFFY HELLERS, O-67. OKAY, NOW I DON'T KNOW WHO HE

STEFFY HELLERS, O-67. OKAY, NOW I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

OKAY, NOW I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS. OKAY, LET'S SEE, UNDER THE "B."

IS. OKAY, LET'S SEE, UNDER THE "B." LET'S WELCOME DRINK MEXICO.

OKAY, LET'S SEE, UNDER THE "B." LET'S WELCOME DRINK MEXICO. DRINK IS SORT OF IN THE NATIONAL

LET'S WELCOME DRINK MEXICO. DRINK IS SORT OF IN THE NATIONAL TOURING COMPANY OF "MAN WITHOUT

DRINK IS SORT OF IN THE NATIONAL TOURING COMPANY OF "MAN WITHOUT A PIN."

TOURING COMPANY OF "MAN WITHOUT A PIN." OKAY, NOW THE SENSATIONAL

A PIN." OKAY, NOW THE SENSATIONAL SONJA.

OKAY, NOW THE SENSATIONAL SONJA. SONJA'S CURRENTLY APPEARING ON

SONJA. SONJA'S CURRENTLY APPEARING ON "HOLLYWOOD BINGO."

SONJA'S CURRENTLY APPEARING ON "HOLLYWOOD BINGO." OKAY, THAT BRINGS US UP TO THE

"HOLLYWOOD BINGO." OKAY, THAT BRINGS US UP TO THE CHARLIE WEAVER MEMORIAL FREE

OKAY, THAT BRINGS US UP TO THE CHARLIE WEAVER MEMORIAL FREE SQUARE.

CHARLIE WEAVER MEMORIAL FREE SQUARE. AND CHARLIE WILL BE APPEARING...

SQUARE. AND CHARLIE WILL BE APPEARING... NOWHERE.

AND CHARLIE WILL BE APPEARING... NOWHERE. YOU KNOW, CHARLIE WOULD HAVE

NOWHERE. YOU KNOW, CHARLIE WOULD HAVE LOVED THAT JOKE.

YOU KNOW, CHARLIE WOULD HAVE LOVED THAT JOKE. NEXT, G-56, A REAL NUN AND A

LOVED THAT JOKE. NEXT, G-56, A REAL NUN AND A REAL CAT, TO BOOT... IT'S

NEXT, G-56, A REAL NUN AND A REAL CAT, TO BOOT... IT'S SISTER MARY MARGARET MARY, THE

REAL CAT, TO BOOT... IT'S SISTER MARY MARGARET MARY, THE NUTTY NUN!

SISTER MARY MARGARET MARY, THE NUTTY NUN! HEY, ISN'T SHE FUNNY?

NUTTY NUN! HEY, ISN'T SHE FUNNY? O-72... SY BLINKWELL.

HEY, ISN'T SHE FUNNY? O-72... SY BLINKWELL. SY WILL UNDERSTUDY RIP TAYLOR IN

O-72... SY BLINKWELL. SY WILL UNDERSTUDY RIP TAYLOR IN THE L.A. PRODUCTION OF "DIAL 'N'

SY WILL UNDERSTUDY RIP TAYLOR IN THE L.A. PRODUCTION OF "DIAL 'N' FOR NURDER."

THE L.A. PRODUCTION OF "DIAL 'N' FOR NURDER." AND UNDER THE "B"... NEVER SAW

FOR NURDER." AND UNDER THE "B"... NEVER SAW HIM BEFORE.

AND UNDER THE "B"... NEVER SAW HIM BEFORE. DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

HIM BEFORE. DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS. NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE.

DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS. NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE. NOT SURE ABOUT HIM, AND WE'RE

NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE. NOT SURE ABOUT HIM, AND WE'RE NOT SURE ABOUT THIS PERSON,

NOT SURE ABOUT HIM, AND WE'RE NOT SURE ABOUT THIS PERSON, EITHER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

NOT SURE ABOUT THIS PERSON, EITHER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT WE DO BELIEVE THIS NEXT

EITHER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT WE DO BELIEVE THIS NEXT PERSON RIGHT ALONG HERE IS

BUT WE DO BELIEVE THIS NEXT PERSON RIGHT ALONG HERE IS WOODY ALLEN'S SISTER.

PERSON RIGHT ALONG HERE IS WOODY ALLEN'S SISTER. ALL RIGHT, NOW UNDER THE "B,"

WOODY ALLEN'S SISTER. ALL RIGHT, NOW UNDER THE "B," IT'S GARTH LUDROW, ROAD MANAGER

ALL RIGHT, NOW UNDER THE "B," IT'S GARTH LUDROW, ROAD MANAGER FOR MICKEY DOLENZ.

IT'S GARTH LUDROW, ROAD MANAGER FOR MICKEY DOLENZ. NOW I-28, VERN HOOKMAN.

FOR MICKEY DOLENZ. NOW I-28, VERN HOOKMAN. VERN JUST FINISHED MAKING

NOW I-28, VERN HOOKMAN. VERN JUST FINISHED MAKING "KING KONG," IN WHICH HE PLAYED

VERN JUST FINISHED MAKING "KING KONG," IN WHICH HE PLAYED A FRIGHTENED PERSON.

"KING KONG," IN WHICH HE PLAYED A FRIGHTENED PERSON. OKAY, SAY HI TO HAROLD.

A FRIGHTENED PERSON. OKAY, SAY HI TO HAROLD. HAROLD WILL BE APPEARING BEHIND

OKAY, SAY HI TO HAROLD. HAROLD WILL BE APPEARING BEHIND THE MEAT COUNTER WEEKDAYS TILL

HAROLD WILL BE APPEARING BEHIND THE MEAT COUNTER WEEKDAYS TILL 6:00.

THE MEAT COUNTER WEEKDAYS TILL 6:00. NOW G-49.

6:00. NOW G-49. AND NOW FINALLY O-73... JOANIE

NOW G-49. AND NOW FINALLY O-73... JOANIE FROM NEXT DOOR.

AND NOW FINALLY O-73... JOANIE FROM NEXT DOOR. JOANIE EATS FOOD.

FROM NEXT DOOR. JOANIE EATS FOOD. AND THOSE ARE OUR STARS TONIGHT

JOANIE EATS FOOD. AND THOSE ARE OUR STARS TONIGHT ON "HOLLYWOOD BINGO."

AND THOSE ARE OUR STARS TONIGHT ON "HOLLYWOOD BINGO." HEY, WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME.

ON "HOLLYWOOD BINGO." HEY, WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME. DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY THE

HEY, WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME. DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY THE GAME, BUT TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN

DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY THE GAME, BUT TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN 25 DIFFERENT STARS WILL PLUG 25

GAME, BUT TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN 25 DIFFERENT STARS WILL PLUG 25 DIFFERENT THINGS.

25 DIFFERENT STARS WILL PLUG 25 DIFFERENT THINGS. GOODBYE, STARS!

THIS WEEK'S HOME MOVIE WAS SUBMITTED BY THE FRIENDS OF LILY TOMLIN.

SUBMITTED BY THE FRIENDS OF LILY TOMLIN. IT'S ENTITLED FROM "THE BIG

LILY TOMLIN. IT'S ENTITLED FROM "THE BIG ORANGE TO THE BIG APPLE."

IT'S ENTITLED FROM "THE BIG ORANGE TO THE BIG APPLE." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, WE'RE ON OUR WAY. WE'RE JUST FILLING UP NOW. THERE'S A REAL CUTE GUY AT THE

WE'RE JUST FILLING UP NOW. THERE'S A REAL CUTE GUY AT THE PUMPS.

THERE'S A REAL CUTE GUY AT THE PUMPS. YOU OUGHT TO SEE HIM.

PUMPS. YOU OUGHT TO SEE HIM. THE REST OF US ARE PILED IN THE

YOU OUGHT TO SEE HIM. THE REST OF US ARE PILED IN THE CAR.

THE REST OF US ARE PILED IN THE CAR. IT'S GONNA BE A HORRIBLE TRIP

CAR. IT'S GONNA BE A HORRIBLE TRIP FOR ME.

IT'S GONNA BE A HORRIBLE TRIP FOR ME. I CAN HARDLY STAND TO ASSOCIATE

FOR ME. I CAN HARDLY STAND TO ASSOCIATE WITH MOST OF THEM.

I CAN HARDLY STAND TO ASSOCIATE WITH MOST OF THEM. WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON.

WITH MOST OF THEM. WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON. I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT

WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON. I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M SENDING YOU MY LOVE, AND

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M SENDING YOU MY LOVE, AND I'LL BE BACK SOON, BECAUSE I'M

I'M SENDING YOU MY LOVE, AND I'LL BE BACK SOON, BECAUSE I'M SURE SHE'LL GET BAD REVIEWS.

I'LL BE BACK SOON, BECAUSE I'M SURE SHE'LL GET BAD REVIEWS. IT'S BOUND TO CLOSE IN TWO OR

SURE SHE'LL GET BAD REVIEWS. IT'S BOUND TO CLOSE IN TWO OR THREE DAYS.

IT'S BOUND TO CLOSE IN TWO OR THREE DAYS. [SNORTS]

THREE DAYS. [SNORTS] HEY, WHERE YOU CHICKS HEADED?

[SNORTS] HEY, WHERE YOU CHICKS HEADED? JUST YOU NEVER MIND, BUSTER.

HEY, WHERE YOU CHICKS HEADED? JUST YOU NEVER MIND, BUSTER. DIDN'T HE THINK HE WAS GOD'S

JUST YOU NEVER MIND, BUSTER. DIDN'T HE THINK HE WAS GOD'S GIFT?

DIDN'T HE THINK HE WAS GOD'S GIFT? LET'S SEE NOW.

GIFT? LET'S SEE NOW. DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING?

LET'S SEE NOW. DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING? PORTABLE CLOTHESLINE, RICE

DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING? PORTABLE CLOTHESLINE, RICE PACKAGES, TANG, SNAKE-BITE KIT,

PORTABLE CLOTHESLINE, RICE PACKAGES, TANG, SNAKE-BITE KIT, FLASHLIGHT AND FLARES, SANITIZED

PACKAGES, TANG, SNAKE-BITE KIT, FLASHLIGHT AND FLARES, SANITIZED TOILET-SEAT COVER.

FLASHLIGHT AND FLARES, SANITIZED TOILET-SEAT COVER. DID YOU BRING THOSE, SUZIE?

TOILET-SEAT COVER. DID YOU BRING THOSE, SUZIE? BAND-AIDS, WATERPROOF MATCHES,

DID YOU BRING THOSE, SUZIE? BAND-AIDS, WATERPROOF MATCHES, LIE-DETECTOR KIT, COMPASS,

BAND-AIDS, WATERPROOF MATCHES, LIE-DETECTOR KIT, COMPASS, POTATO CHIPS, SUNGLASSES,

LIE-DETECTOR KIT, COMPASS, POTATO CHIPS, SUNGLASSES, DRIVER'S LICENSE IS IN MY PURSE,

POTATO CHIPS, SUNGLASSES, DRIVER'S LICENSE IS IN MY PURSE, AND SUGARLESS GUM.

DRIVER'S LICENSE IS IN MY PURSE, AND SUGARLESS GUM. EVERYBODY READY?

AND SUGARLESS GUM. EVERYBODY READY? LET'S GO.

EVERYBODY READY? LET'S GO. EDITH, SIT DOWN.

LET'S GO. EDITH, SIT DOWN. HEY, HEY!

EDITH, SIT DOWN. HEY, HEY! YOU GOING TO NEW YORK?

HEY, HEY! YOU GOING TO NEW YORK? I'M GOING WITH YOU!

YOU GOING TO NEW YORK? I'M GOING WITH YOU! [GASPS]

I'M GOING WITH YOU! [GASPS] I COULD JUST BARF!

[GASPS] I COULD JUST BARF! YOU HOLD THIS!

I COULD JUST BARF! YOU HOLD THIS! THIS WOULD BE A GOOD THING TO

YOU HOLD THIS! THIS WOULD BE A GOOD THING TO TAKE A TRIP IN.

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD THING TO TAKE A TRIP IN. WHAT?

TAKE A TRIP IN. WHAT? I REALLY LIKE THIS CAR.

WHAT? I REALLY LIKE THIS CAR. LOOK.

I REALLY LIKE THIS CAR. LOOK. YOU CAN SEE MY PICTURE IN IT.

LOOK. YOU CAN SEE MY PICTURE IN IT. I COULD SEE MY FACE EVERYWHERE.

YOU CAN SEE MY PICTURE IN IT. I COULD SEE MY FACE EVERYWHERE. HOW YOU DOING?

I COULD SEE MY FACE EVERYWHERE. HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING?

HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING? GIVE HER SOME MONEY.

HOW YOU DOING? GIVE HER SOME MONEY. DON'T GIVE HER A RIDE.

GIVE HER SOME MONEY. DON'T GIVE HER A RIDE. MOVE OVER.

DON'T GIVE HER A RIDE. MOVE OVER. I'M READY TO GO.

MOVE OVER. I'M READY TO GO. OH!

I'M READY TO GO. OH! [HORN HONKS]

OH! [HORN HONKS] OKAY, JUST BE QUIET A MINUTE.

[HORN HONKS] OKAY, JUST BE QUIET A MINUTE. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

OKAY, JUST BE QUIET A MINUTE. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. HELLO. PARDON ME.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. HELLO. PARDON ME. DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A

HELLO. PARDON ME. DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN?

DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN? WELL, YOU BETTER LET HIM OUT

CAN? WELL, YOU BETTER LET HIM OUT BEFORE HE SMOTHERS TO DEATH.

WELL, YOU BETTER LET HIM OUT BEFORE HE SMOTHERS TO DEATH. [SNORTS]

BEFORE HE SMOTHERS TO DEATH. [SNORTS] ♪ FOUND A PEANUT,

[SNORTS] ♪ FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT,

♪ FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪

FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW FOUND A PEANUT ♪

FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW FOUND A PEANUT ♪ ♪ FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪

♪ I JUST NOW FOUND A PEANUT ♪ ♪ FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ CRACKED IT OPEN,

♪ FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ CRACKED IT OPEN, CRACKED IT OPEN,

♪ CRACKED IT OPEN, CRACKED IT OPEN, CRACKED IT OPEN JUST NOW ♪

CRACKED IT OPEN, CRACKED IT OPEN JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW CRACKED IT OPEN ♪

CRACKED IT OPEN JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW CRACKED IT OPEN ♪ ♪ CRACKED IT OPEN JUST NOW ♪

♪ I JUST NOW CRACKED IT OPEN ♪ ♪ CRACKED IT OPEN JUST NOW ♪ ♪ ATE IT ANY... ♪

♪ CRACKED IT OPEN JUST NOW ♪ ♪ ATE IT ANY... ♪ ♪ FOUND IT ROTTEN,

♪ ATE IT ANY... ♪ ♪ FOUND IT ROTTEN, FOUND IT ROTTEN,

♪ FOUND IT ROTTEN, FOUND IT ROTTEN, FOUND IT ROTTEN JUST NOW ♪

FOUND IT ROTTEN, FOUND IT ROTTEN JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW FOUND IT ROTTEN ♪

FOUND IT ROTTEN JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW FOUND IT ROTTEN ♪ ♪ FOUND IT ROTTEN RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ I JUST NOW FOUND IT ROTTEN ♪ ♪ FOUND IT ROTTEN RIGHT NOW ♪ [SIGHS]

♪ FOUND IT ROTTEN RIGHT NOW ♪ [SIGHS] THIS IS SORT OF A DREAM COME

[SIGHS] THIS IS SORT OF A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME, JUDITH.

THIS IS SORT OF A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME, JUDITH. MRS. BEASLEY?

TRUE FOR ME, JUDITH. MRS. BEASLEY? THIS IS SORT OF A DREAM COME

MRS. BEASLEY? THIS IS SORT OF A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME.

THIS IS SORT OF A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME. I MEAN, GOING TO BROADWAY, GOING

TRUE FOR ME. I MEAN, GOING TO BROADWAY, GOING TO NEW YORK.

I MEAN, GOING TO BROADWAY, GOING TO NEW YORK. I'VE PLAYED EVERY TOWN AND EVERY

TO NEW YORK. I'VE PLAYED EVERY TOWN AND EVERY BURGH ACROSS THIS COUNTRY.

I'VE PLAYED EVERY TOWN AND EVERY BURGH ACROSS THIS COUNTRY. [HUMMING TO "GIVE MY REGARDS

BURGH ACROSS THIS COUNTRY. [HUMMING TO "GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY"]

[HUMMING TO "GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY"] AND I HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN ON THE

[TO BROADWAY"] AND I HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN ON THE TOP OF THE BILL, EITHER.

AND I HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN ON THE TOP OF THE BILL, EITHER. HEY!

TOP OF THE BILL, EITHER. HEY! HEY, HERE'S A GIRL.

HEY! HEY, HERE'S A GIRL. SHE'S GOING THE SAME PLACE WE'RE

HEY, HERE'S A GIRL. SHE'S GOING THE SAME PLACE WE'RE GOING!

SHE'S GOING THE SAME PLACE WE'RE GOING! HEY, COME ON!

GOING! HEY, COME ON! WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT!

HEY, COME ON! WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT! WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT!

WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT! WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT! I WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE IN YOUR

WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT! I WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE IN YOUR CHAIR.

I WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE IN YOUR CHAIR. HEY, I WAS GETTING A SUNBURN.

CHAIR. HEY, I WAS GETTING A SUNBURN. MY NAME'S TESS.

HEY, I WAS GETTING A SUNBURN. MY NAME'S TESS. HOW YOU DOING?

MY NAME'S TESS. HOW YOU DOING? I'M CRYSTAL, THE TERRIBLE

HOW YOU DOING? I'M CRYSTAL, THE TERRIBLE TUMBLEWEED.

I'M CRYSTAL, THE TERRIBLE TUMBLEWEED. WHY CAN'T SOMEONE LIKE THAT

TUMBLEWEED. WHY CAN'T SOMEONE LIKE THAT JUST STAY HOME?

WHY CAN'T SOMEONE LIKE THAT JUST STAY HOME? LET ME GET A BETTER LOOK AT

JUST STAY HOME? LET ME GET A BETTER LOOK AT YOU.

LET ME GET A BETTER LOOK AT YOU. WELL, YOU'RE AN INTERESTING

YOU. WELL, YOU'RE AN INTERESTING GROUP.

WELL, YOU'RE AN INTERESTING GROUP. [LAUGHTER]

GROUP. [LAUGHTER] ♪ FOUND A PEANUT,

[LAUGHTER] ♪ FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT,

♪ FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪

FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW FOUND A PEANUT ♪

FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ I JUST NOW FOUND A PEANUT ♪ ♪ FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪

♪ I JUST NOW FOUND A PEANUT ♪ ♪ FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ FOUND IT ON THE FLOOR,

♪ FOUND A PEANUT JUST NOW ♪ ♪ FOUND IT ON THE FLOOR, FOUND IT ON THE FLOOR,

♪ FOUND IT ON THE FLOOR, FOUND IT ON THE FLOOR, FOUND IT ON THE FLOOR JUST NOW ♪

HELLO. I'M ALEX HALEY. SLAVERY... PRACTICED IN THIS

I'M ALEX HALEY. SLAVERY... PRACTICED IN THIS COUNTRY FROM 1609 TO 1865 OR

SLAVERY... PRACTICED IN THIS COUNTRY FROM 1609 TO 1865 OR '70, A TIME IN THIS COUNTRY'S

COUNTRY FROM 1609 TO 1865 OR '70, A TIME IN THIS COUNTRY'S HISTORY THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD

'70, A TIME IN THIS COUNTRY'S HISTORY THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD JUST AS SOON FORGET, AND ALMOST

HISTORY THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD JUST AS SOON FORGET, AND ALMOST EVERYBODY DID UNTIL ABC PRODUCED

JUST AS SOON FORGET, AND ALMOST EVERYBODY DID UNTIL ABC PRODUCED A TV VERSION OF MY BOOK,

EVERYBODY DID UNTIL ABC PRODUCED A TV VERSION OF MY BOOK, "ROOTS."

A TV VERSION OF MY BOOK, "ROOTS." 80 MILLION PEOPLE VIEWED THE

"ROOTS." 80 MILLION PEOPLE VIEWED THE FINAL EPISODE, AND IN ONE WEEK

80 MILLION PEOPLE VIEWED THE FINAL EPISODE, AND IN ONE WEEK ABC SOLD $61 MILLION IN

FINAL EPISODE, AND IN ONE WEEK ABC SOLD $61 MILLION IN ADVERTISING.

ABC SOLD $61 MILLION IN ADVERTISING. AND THE NEXT MORNING, THIS WHITE

ADVERTISING. AND THE NEXT MORNING, THIS WHITE DUDE FROM NBC CALLS ME... I

AND THE NEXT MORNING, THIS WHITE DUDE FROM NBC CALLS ME... I MEAN, THIS REALLY WHITE DUDE,

DUDE FROM NBC CALLS ME... I MEAN, THIS REALLY WHITE DUDE, MAN.

MEAN, THIS REALLY WHITE DUDE, MAN. HE SAYS, "WE WANT 'ROOTS II.'"

MAN. HE SAYS, "WE WANT 'ROOTS II.'" SO I SAY, "LIKE, MAN, I ALREADY

HE SAYS, "WE WANT 'ROOTS II.'" SO I SAY, "LIKE, MAN, I ALREADY DID IT.

SO I SAY, "LIKE, MAN, I ALREADY DID IT. I'M FRESH OUT OF RELATIVES."

DID IT. I'M FRESH OUT OF RELATIVES." SO HE SAYS, "WE'LL PAY YOU

I'M FRESH OUT OF RELATIVES." SO HE SAYS, "WE'LL PAY YOU $3 MILLION."

SO HE SAYS, "WE'LL PAY YOU $3 MILLION." SO I SAY, "DAMN, IF I AIN'T GOT

$3 MILLION." SO I SAY, "DAMN, IF I AIN'T GOT A GREAT-GREAT GRANDPA I FORGOT

SO I SAY, "DAMN, IF I AIN'T GOT A GREAT-GREAT GRANDPA I FORGOT ALL ABOUT."

A GREAT-GREAT GRANDPA I FORGOT ALL ABOUT." LIKE, MAN, THIS IS A SAD, SAD

ALL ABOUT." LIKE, MAN, THIS IS A SAD, SAD STORY.

LIKE, MAN, THIS IS A SAD, SAD STORY. WHEN THEY CAME HERE, THEY DIDN'T

STORY. WHEN THEY CAME HERE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE NO MONEY AT ALL.

WHEN THEY CAME HERE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE NO MONEY AT ALL. IT TOOK ME 12 YEARS TO WRITE THE

HAVE NO MONEY AT ALL. IT TOOK ME 12 YEARS TO WRITE THE FIRST ONE, BUT I HAD TO DO A

IT TOOK ME 12 YEARS TO WRITE THE FIRST ONE, BUT I HAD TO DO A RUSH JOB ON THIS ONE.

FIRST ONE, BUT I HAD TO DO A RUSH JOB ON THIS ONE. I DID IT IN FOUR DAYS.

RUSH JOB ON THIS ONE. I DID IT IN FOUR DAYS. NOW, IT'S A LITTLE BIT RUSHED,

I DID IT IN FOUR DAYS. NOW, IT'S A LITTLE BIT RUSHED, BUT HERE IT BE.

NOW, IT'S A LITTLE BIT RUSHED, BUT HERE IT BE. I PROUDLY PRESENT "ROOTS II."

BUT HERE IT BE. I PROUDLY PRESENT "ROOTS II." ["ROOTS" THEME PLAYS]

MAN, YOU GOT TO LEARN THIS LANGUAGE IF YOU'RE GONNA GET BY, MAN.

LANGUAGE IF YOU'RE GONNA GET BY, MAN. NOW, WHAT'S THIS OVER HERE?

MAN. NOW, WHAT'S THIS OVER HERE? THAT BE A WINDOW.

NOW, WHAT'S THIS OVER HERE? THAT BE A WINDOW. RIGHT.

THAT BE A WINDOW. RIGHT. NOW, WHAT'S THAT, RIGHT OVER

RIGHT. NOW, WHAT'S THAT, RIGHT OVER THERE?

NOW, WHAT'S THAT, RIGHT OVER THERE? THAT'S A HORSE.

THERE? THAT'S A HORSE. ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S A HORSE. ALL RIGHT. I'M TIRED OF THIS.

ALL RIGHT. I'M TIRED OF THIS. NO CRAZY CRACKER'S GONNA SELL

I'M TIRED OF THIS. NO CRAZY CRACKER'S GONNA SELL THE SON OF A MANDINKO WARRIOR.

NO CRAZY CRACKER'S GONNA SELL THE SON OF A MANDINKO WARRIOR. I AM BOP-SHU-WOP, SON OF

THE SON OF A MANDINKO WARRIOR. I AM BOP-SHU-WOP, SON OF SHA-NA-NA, GRANDSON OF THE GREAT

I AM BOP-SHU-WOP, SON OF SHA-NA-NA, GRANDSON OF THE GREAT HOLY MAN, SHA-BOOM, SHA-BOOM.

SHA-NA-NA, GRANDSON OF THE GREAT HOLY MAN, SHA-BOOM, SHA-BOOM. WELL, THESE CATS DON'T GO FOR

HOLY MAN, SHA-BOOM, SHA-BOOM. WELL, THESE CATS DON'T GO FOR NONE OF THAT JUNGLE JABBER, SO

WELL, THESE CATS DON'T GO FOR NONE OF THAT JUNGLE JABBER, SO YOU BETTER QUIT TALKING LIKE

NONE OF THAT JUNGLE JABBER, SO YOU BETTER QUIT TALKING LIKE THAT.

YOU BETTER QUIT TALKING LIKE THAT. THEY'LL CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE.

THAT. THEY'LL CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THEY'LL CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? NOW, WHAT'S THAT, RIGHT OVER

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? NOW, WHAT'S THAT, RIGHT OVER THERE?

NOW, WHAT'S THAT, RIGHT OVER THERE? OH, THAT BE A SPOON.

THERE? OH, THAT BE A SPOON. NO.

OH, THAT BE A SPOON. NO. THAT BE A BARREL.

NO. THAT BE A BARREL. NO.

THAT BE A BARREL. NO. THAT BE A LIGHTNING STICK

NO. THAT BE A LIGHTNING STICK THEY'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH,

THAT BE A LIGHTNING STICK THEY'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH, YOU TRY TO RUN AWAY.

THEY'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH, YOU TRY TO RUN AWAY. NOW, WHAT'S THIS, RIGHT HERE?

YOU TRY TO RUN AWAY. NOW, WHAT'S THIS, RIGHT HERE? THAT?

NOW, WHAT'S THIS, RIGHT HERE? THAT? OH!

THAT? OH! Both: THAT BE AN OLD ONE!

OH! Both: THAT BE AN OLD ONE! GIVE ME THAT LONG SOUL.

Both: THAT BE AN OLD ONE! GIVE ME THAT LONG SOUL. HEY.

GIVE ME THAT LONG SOUL. HEY. AAH!

HEY. AAH! OH, MAN!

AAH! OH, MAN! NO, MAN, YOU GOT TO UNLOCK MY

OH, MAN! NO, MAN, YOU GOT TO UNLOCK MY FACE FIRST.

NO, MAN, YOU GOT TO UNLOCK MY FACE FIRST. THANK YOU.

FACE FIRST. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY COME ON

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY COME ON OUT FOR NAME CHANGING.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY COME ON OUT FOR NAME CHANGING. COME ON OUT HERE.

OUT FOR NAME CHANGING. COME ON OUT HERE. YOU, COME OUT HERE.

COME ON OUT HERE. YOU, COME OUT HERE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BOY?

YOU, COME OUT HERE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BOY? MY NAME IS BOP-SHU-WOP.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BOY? MY NAME IS BOP-SHU-WOP. WELL, FROM NOW ON YOUR NAME

MY NAME IS BOP-SHU-WOP. WELL, FROM NOW ON YOUR NAME IS... PEGGY FLEMING.

WELL, FROM NOW ON YOUR NAME IS... PEGGY FLEMING. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

IS... PEGGY FLEMING. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? BOP-SHU-WOP.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? BOP-SHU-WOP. PEGGY FLEMING!

BOP-SHU-WOP. PEGGY FLEMING! AAH!

PEGGY FLEMING! AAH! BOP-SHU-WOP.

AAH! BOP-SHU-WOP. PEGGY FLEMING!

BOP-SHU-WOP. PEGGY FLEMING! OW!

PEGGY FLEMING! OW! [Quickly] BOP-SHU-WOP.

OW! [Quickly] BOP-SHU-WOP. AAH!

[Quickly] BOP-SHU-WOP. AAH! WHAT ABOUT... 'CAUSE EVERYBODY

AAH! WHAT ABOUT... 'CAUSE EVERYBODY CALLS ME "THE DOCTOR."

WHAT ABOUT... 'CAUSE EVERYBODY CALLS ME "THE DOCTOR." OW, OW!

CALLS ME "THE DOCTOR." OW, OW! OW-OW-OW-OW!

OW, OW! OW-OW-OW-OW! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OW-OW-OW-OW! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY. PEGGY FLEMING.

OKAY. PEGGY FLEMING. THAT DO HAVE A NICE RING TO IT.

PEGGY FLEMING. THAT DO HAVE A NICE RING TO IT. OKAY.

THAT DO HAVE A NICE RING TO IT. OKAY. COME ON UP HERE.

OKAY. COME ON UP HERE. SEE, LOOKY HERE.

COME ON UP HERE. SEE, LOOKY HERE. MAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER

SEE, LOOKY HERE. MAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE SHOW?

MAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE SHOW? OH, UM, I'VE DONE A LOT OF

THE SHOW? OH, UM, I'VE DONE A LOT OF KIDDING, BUT, SERIOUSLY, MY

OH, UM, I'VE DONE A LOT OF KIDDING, BUT, SERIOUSLY, MY FAMILY TREE IS NOW THE PRIDE OF

KIDDING, BUT, SERIOUSLY, MY FAMILY TREE IS NOW THE PRIDE OF MY LIFE.

FAMILY TREE IS NOW THE PRIDE OF MY LIFE. MY GREAT-GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS

MY LIFE. MY GREAT-GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS LESLIE UGGAMS, WHO ALMOST

MY GREAT-GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS LESLIE UGGAMS, WHO ALMOST MARRIED THE GUY FROM "WELCOME

LESLIE UGGAMS, WHO ALMOST MARRIED THE GUY FROM "WELCOME BACK, KOTTER."

MARRIED THE GUY FROM "WELCOME BACK, KOTTER." AND HER FATHER WAS JOHN AMOS,

BACK, KOTTER." AND HER FATHER WAS JOHN AMOS, WHO MARRIED FLORIDA, WHO USED TO

AND HER FATHER WAS JOHN AMOS, WHO MARRIED FLORIDA, WHO USED TO WORK FOR MAUDE.

WHO MARRIED FLORIDA, WHO USED TO WORK FOR MAUDE. AND THEN THEY GOT THEIR SERIES,

WORK FOR MAUDE. AND THEN THEY GOT THEIR SERIES, AND THEY GAVE BIRTH TO

AND THEN THEY GOT THEIR SERIES, AND THEY GAVE BIRTH TO J.J. WALKER.

AND THEY GAVE BIRTH TO J.J. WALKER. AND MY GREAT-GREAT UNCLE WAS

J.J. WALKER. AND MY GREAT-GREAT UNCLE WAS THALMUS RUSSELL LALA, WHO KNEW

AND MY GREAT-GREAT UNCLE WAS THALMUS RUSSELL LALA, WHO KNEW O.J. SIMPSON IN THE OLD COUNTRY,

THALMUS RUSSELL LALA, WHO KNEW O.J. SIMPSON IN THE OLD COUNTRY, WHO WAS A GREAT UNCLE TO

O.J. SIMPSON IN THE OLD COUNTRY, WHO WAS A GREAT UNCLE TO BEN VEREEN, WHO RAN AWAY FROM

WHO WAS A GREAT UNCLE TO BEN VEREEN, WHO RAN AWAY FROM LLOYD BRIDGES.

BEN VEREEN, WHO RAN AWAY FROM LLOYD BRIDGES. IT'S A CHECKERED PAST.

LLOYD BRIDGES. IT'S A CHECKERED PAST. IMAGINE ME BEING RELATED TO

IT'S A CHECKERED PAST. IMAGINE ME BEING RELATED TO J.J. WALKER.

IMAGINE ME BEING RELATED TO J.J. WALKER. DYN-O-MITE!

J.J. WALKER. DYN-O-MITE! ["ROOTS" THEME PLAYS]

DYN-O-MITE! ["ROOTS" THEME PLAYS] THEY'RE SELLING GREAT-GREAT

["ROOTS" THEME PLAYS] THEY'RE SELLING GREAT-GREAT GRANDPA RIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE SELLING GREAT-GREAT GRANDPA RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO SEE THIS.

GRANDPA RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO SEE THIS. HELLO, AGAIN, EVERYBODY.

I WANT TO SEE THIS. HELLO, AGAIN, EVERYBODY. IT'S TRADING TIME AGAIN.

HELLO, AGAIN, EVERYBODY. IT'S TRADING TIME AGAIN. I'M YOUR FRIEND, LENNY DUCKMAN,

IT'S TRADING TIME AGAIN. I'M YOUR FRIEND, LENNY DUCKMAN, AND I HOPE I'M GOING TO HELP YOU

I'M YOUR FRIEND, LENNY DUCKMAN, AND I HOPE I'M GOING TO HELP YOU OUT TODAY.

AND I HOPE I'M GOING TO HELP YOU OUT TODAY. YOU SAY YOU NEED SOME HEAVY

OUT TODAY. YOU SAY YOU NEED SOME HEAVY YARD WORK DONE?

YOU SAY YOU NEED SOME HEAVY YARD WORK DONE? WELL, TALK TO ME.

YARD WORK DONE? WELL, TALK TO ME. THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.

WELL, TALK TO ME. THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR. IF I CAN'T HELP YOU, I'LL STILL

THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR. IF I CAN'T HELP YOU, I'LL STILL GIVE YOU THIS FREE NUTCRACKER

IF I CAN'T HELP YOU, I'LL STILL GIVE YOU THIS FREE NUTCRACKER JUST FOR SEEING ME FIRST.

GIVE YOU THIS FREE NUTCRACKER JUST FOR SEEING ME FIRST. LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME MODEL

JUST FOR SEEING ME FIRST. LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME MODEL RIGHT HERE.

LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME MODEL RIGHT HERE. IT'S 25-YEAR-OLD BUBOOZOO...

RIGHT HERE. IT'S 25-YEAR-OLD BUBOOZOO... GREAT TEETH, GREAT SPIRIT.

IT'S 25-YEAR-OLD BUBOOZOO... GREAT TEETH, GREAT SPIRIT. WAS $800, NOW ONLY $599.

GREAT TEETH, GREAT SPIRIT. WAS $800, NOW ONLY $599. A 22-YEAR-OLD WARRIOR NOW ONLY

WAS $800, NOW ONLY $599. A 22-YEAR-OLD WARRIOR NOW ONLY $499.

A 22-YEAR-OLD WARRIOR NOW ONLY $499. AND OUR PRIZE MODEL TODAY, AN

$499. AND OUR PRIZE MODEL TODAY, AN 18-YEAR-OLD FULLY EQUIPPED

AND OUR PRIZE MODEL TODAY, AN 18-YEAR-OLD FULLY EQUIPPED MANDINKO WARRIOR... ONLY $599.

18-YEAR-OLD FULLY EQUIPPED MANDINKO WARRIOR... ONLY $599. THROW AWAY THE STICKER PRICE.

MANDINKO WARRIOR... ONLY $599. THROW AWAY THE STICKER PRICE. MAKE ME AN OFFER.

THROW AWAY THE STICKER PRICE. MAKE ME AN OFFER. WELL, JUST HOW EQUIPPED IS

MAKE ME AN OFFER. WELL, JUST HOW EQUIPPED IS THIS WELL-EQUIPPED ONE?

WELL, JUST HOW EQUIPPED IS THIS WELL-EQUIPPED ONE? SEE, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

THIS WELL-EQUIPPED ONE? SEE, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING FOR MY SUMMER HOME.

SEE, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING FOR MY SUMMER HOME. I ENTERTAIN A LOT.

FOR MY SUMMER HOME. I ENTERTAIN A LOT. HEY, BROWN SUGAR, YOU WANT TO

I ENTERTAIN A LOT. HEY, BROWN SUGAR, YOU WANT TO SEE WHERE THE HORSE BIT ME?

HEY, BROWN SUGAR, YOU WANT TO SEE WHERE THE HORSE BIT ME? OOH, CAREFUL THERE, MA'AM.

SEE WHERE THE HORSE BIT ME? OOH, CAREFUL THERE, MA'AM. HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

OOH, CAREFUL THERE, MA'AM. HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! NICE TO HANDLE, NICE TO HOLD,

HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! NICE TO HANDLE, NICE TO HOLD, BUT IF YOU SCRATCH HIM, MARK

NICE TO HANDLE, NICE TO HOLD, BUT IF YOU SCRATCH HIM, MARK HIM SOLD!

BUT IF YOU SCRATCH HIM, MARK HIM SOLD! I JUST LOVE HIM.

HIM SOLD! I JUST LOVE HIM. IN FACT, THEY'RE ALL WONDERFUL.

I JUST LOVE HIM. IN FACT, THEY'RE ALL WONDERFUL. I'LL TAKE THEM ALL.

IN FACT, THEY'RE ALL WONDERFUL. I'LL TAKE THEM ALL. WELL, ALL RIGHT!

I'LL TAKE THEM ALL. WELL, ALL RIGHT! YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL, LITTLE

WELL, ALL RIGHT! YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL, LITTLE LADY.

YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL, LITTLE LADY. [CHUCKLES]

LADY. [CHUCKLES] THAT'S AS MUCH AS I WROTE.

[CHUCKLES] THAT'S AS MUCH AS I WROTE. IT WAS A RUSH JOB, REMEMBER?

THAT'S AS MUCH AS I WROTE. IT WAS A RUSH JOB, REMEMBER? I TOLD YOU.

IT WAS A RUSH JOB, REMEMBER? I TOLD YOU. BUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE,

I TOLD YOU. BUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE, TUNE IN TO "ROOTS III."

BUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE, TUNE IN TO "ROOTS III." I'M TRACING MY MOTHER'S SIDE OF

TUNE IN TO "ROOTS III." I'M TRACING MY MOTHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

I'M TRACING MY MOTHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY. IT STARTS TUESDAY ON CBS.

THE FAMILY. IT STARTS TUESDAY ON CBS. ["ROOTS" THEME PLAYS]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, THE KINKS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

KINKS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "SLEEPWALKER"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "SLEEPWALKER" PLAYS]

♪ WELL, EVERYBODY'S GOT PROBLEMS, BUDDY ♪ ♪ I GOT MINE ♪

PROBLEMS, BUDDY ♪ ♪ I GOT MINE ♪ ♪ BUT WHEN MIDNIGHT COMES

♪ I GOT MINE ♪ ♪ BUT WHEN MIDNIGHT COMES AROUND,

♪ BUT WHEN MIDNIGHT COMES AROUND, I START TO LOSE MY MIND ♪

AROUND, I START TO LOSE MY MIND ♪ ♪ WHEN THE SUN

I START TO LOSE MY MIND ♪ ♪ WHEN THE SUN PUTS OUT THE LIGHT,

♪ WHEN THE SUN PUTS OUT THE LIGHT, I JOIN THE CREATURES

PUTS OUT THE LIGHT, I JOIN THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT ♪

I JOIN THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

OF THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪

♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪

♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT HAWKER ♪

♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT HAWKER ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY GOT SECRETS

♪ I'M A NIGHT HAWKER ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY GOT SECRETS THAT THEY WANNA HIDE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY GOT SECRETS THAT THEY WANNA HIDE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WHEN MIDNIGHT COMES

THAT THEY WANNA HIDE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WHEN MIDNIGHT COMES AROUND, I TAKE A LOOK INSIDE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHEN MIDNIGHT COMES AROUND, I TAKE A LOOK INSIDE ♪ ♪ SO DON'T GO TALKIN'

AROUND, I TAKE A LOOK INSIDE ♪ ♪ SO DON'T GO TALKIN' IN YOUR SLEEP ♪

♪ SO DON'T GO TALKIN' IN YOUR SLEEP ♪ ♪ I MIGHT COME IN FOR A PEEK ♪

IN YOUR SLEEP ♪ ♪ I MIGHT COME IN FOR A PEEK ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ I MIGHT COME IN FOR A PEEK ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪

♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪

♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT HAWKER ♪

♪ WELL, WHEN EVERYBODY'S FAST ASLEEP, I WALK MY BEAT ♪ ♪ THROUGH THE SHADOWS AND THE

FAST ASLEEP, I WALK MY BEAT ♪ ♪ THROUGH THE SHADOWS AND THE MOONLIGHT, I START TO CREEP ♪

♪ THROUGH THE SHADOWS AND THE MOONLIGHT, I START TO CREEP ♪ ♪ SO BETTER CLOSE YOUR WINDOW

MOONLIGHT, I START TO CREEP ♪ ♪ SO BETTER CLOSE YOUR WINDOW TIGHT ♪

♪ SO BETTER CLOSE YOUR WINDOW TIGHT ♪ ♪ I MIGHT COME IN FOR A BITE ♪

TIGHT ♪ ♪ I MIGHT COME IN FOR A BITE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ I MIGHT COME IN FOR A BITE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ WHEN THE NIGHTTIME COMES, I START TO CREEP ♪ ♪ I PROWL AROUND

I START TO CREEP ♪ ♪ I PROWL AROUND WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP ♪

♪ I PROWL AROUND WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP ♪ ♪ I WALK AROUND

WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP ♪ ♪ I WALK AROUND ON MY TIPPY TOES,

♪ I WALK AROUND ON MY TIPPY TOES, AND I GET INTO PLACES

ON MY TIPPY TOES, AND I GET INTO PLACES THAT NOBODY KNOWS ♪

AND I GET INTO PLACES THAT NOBODY KNOWS ♪ ♪ I'M ALWAYS AROUND

THAT NOBODY KNOWS ♪ ♪ I'M ALWAYS AROUND IF YOU WANNA MEET ♪

♪ I'M ALWAYS AROUND IF YOU WANNA MEET ♪ ♪ YOU CAN FIND ME

IF YOU WANNA MEET ♪ ♪ YOU CAN FIND ME ON ALMOST EVERY STREET ♪

♪ YOU CAN FIND ME ON ALMOST EVERY STREET ♪ ♪ I'LL EVEN CALL YOU

ON ALMOST EVERY STREET ♪ ♪ I'LL EVEN CALL YOU ON THE TELEPHONE ♪

♪ I'LL EVEN CALL YOU ON THE TELEPHONE ♪ ♪ I'LL EVEN COME TO YOUR HOME

ON THE TELEPHONE ♪ ♪ I'LL EVEN COME TO YOUR HOME IF YOU'RE EVER ALONE ♪

♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪

♪ I'M A NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ NIGHT STALKER ♪

♪ I'M A SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ SLEEPWALKER ♪

♪ NIGHT STALKER ♪ ♪ SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ NIGHT HAWKER ♪

♪ SLEEPWALKER ♪ ♪ NIGHT HAWKER ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ NIGHT HAWKER ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, ANYHOW, THE FIRST TIME I EVER CAME TO ONE OF THESE SINGLES BARS, I FELL DOWN THE

EVER CAME TO ONE OF THESE SINGLES BARS, I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND CRASHED INTO THE

SINGLES BARS, I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND CRASHED INTO THE CIGARETTE MACHINE.

STAIRS AND CRASHED INTO THE CIGARETTE MACHINE. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,

CIGARETTE MACHINE. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, TOO.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, TOO. YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

TOO. YOU'RE KIDDING ME. NO!

YOU'RE KIDDING ME. NO! WELL, I'LL BE HONEST WITH

NO! WELL, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

WELL, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU. WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I KIND OF

YOU. WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I KIND OF FIGURED THAT THAT HAPPENED TO

WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I KIND OF FIGURED THAT THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, TOO.

FIGURED THAT THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, TOO. REALLY?

YOU, TOO. REALLY? YEAH, JUST BY LOOKING AT YOU.

REALLY? YEAH, JUST BY LOOKING AT YOU. I'LL BET YOU PLAY

YEAH, JUST BY LOOKING AT YOU. I'LL BET YOU PLAY "OLD McDONALD" ON PUSH-BUTTON

I'LL BET YOU PLAY "OLD McDONALD" ON PUSH-BUTTON PHONES, TOO, RIGHT?

"OLD McDONALD" ON PUSH-BUTTON PHONES, TOO, RIGHT? RIGHT.

PHONES, TOO, RIGHT? RIGHT. YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

RIGHT. YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. WE'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER HERE,

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. WE'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER HERE, LIKE, TEN MINUTES, AND ALREADY

WE'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER HERE, LIKE, TEN MINUTES, AND ALREADY WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

LIKE, TEN MINUTES, AND ALREADY WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. I KNOW.

WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. I KNOW. IT'S REALLY AMAZING.

I KNOW. IT'S REALLY AMAZING. I MEAN, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR

IT'S REALLY AMAZING. I MEAN, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I MEAN, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? OH, I CALIBRATE THE PRESSURE

A LIVING? OH, I CALIBRATE THE PRESSURE RATIOS FOR HYDRAULIC VALVE

OH, I CALIBRATE THE PRESSURE RATIOS FOR HYDRAULIC VALVE SYSTEMS.

RATIOS FOR HYDRAULIC VALVE SYSTEMS. SO DO I!

SYSTEMS. SO DO I! OH!

SO DO I! OH! WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE THAT?

OH! WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE THAT? WELL, I FOLDED THE LITTLE,

WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE THAT? WELL, I FOLDED THE LITTLE, CLEAR, PLASTIC INDEX TABS THAT

WELL, I FOLDED THE LITTLE, CLEAR, PLASTIC INDEX TABS THAT SEPARATE THE SECTIONS IN

CLEAR, PLASTIC INDEX TABS THAT SEPARATE THE SECTIONS IN NOTEBOOKS.

SEPARATE THE SECTIONS IN NOTEBOOKS. I DID, TOO!

NOTEBOOKS. I DID, TOO! OH, NO!

I DID, TOO! OH, NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

OH, NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! Both: THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! Both: THIS IS INCREDIBLE! HEY, LISTEN.

Both: THIS IS INCREDIBLE! HEY, LISTEN. WHAT DOES YOUR TONGUE TASTE LIKE

HEY, LISTEN. WHAT DOES YOUR TONGUE TASTE LIKE TO YOU?

WHAT DOES YOUR TONGUE TASTE LIKE TO YOU? UM... NOTHING.

TO YOU? UM... NOTHING. IT HAS NO FLAVOR.

UM... NOTHING. IT HAS NO FLAVOR. REALLY?!

IT HAS NO FLAVOR. REALLY?! NEITHER DOES MINE!

REALLY?! NEITHER DOES MINE! OH!

NEITHER DOES MINE! OH! WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LOUD NOISE?

OH! WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LOUD NOISE? OH, I-I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LOUD NOISE? OH, I-I DON'T KNOW. I LIKE ALL OF THEM.

OH, I-I DON'T KNOW. I LIKE ALL OF THEM. AH, YOU MUST HAVE A SPECIAL

I LIKE ALL OF THEM. AH, YOU MUST HAVE A SPECIAL FAVORITE.

AH, YOU MUST HAVE A SPECIAL FAVORITE. NO, I DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE.

FAVORITE. NO, I DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE. I LIKE THEM ALL EQUALLY...

NO, I DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE. I LIKE THEM ALL EQUALLY... WELL...

I LIKE THEM ALL EQUALLY... WELL... WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU TURN ON

WELL... WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU TURN ON THE BATHTUB WATER, AND IT

WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU TURN ON THE BATHTUB WATER, AND IT DOESN'T COME OUT RIGHT AWAY, AND

THE BATHTUB WATER, AND IT DOESN'T COME OUT RIGHT AWAY, AND THEN SUDDENLY IT JUST ALL COMES

DOESN'T COME OUT RIGHT AWAY, AND THEN SUDDENLY IT JUST ALL COMES OUT?

THEN SUDDENLY IT JUST ALL COMES OUT? I LOVE THAT!

OUT? I LOVE THAT! OH, WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT'S SUMMER,

I LOVE THAT! OH, WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT'S SUMMER, AND YOU'RE SITTING ON A LEATHER

OH, WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT'S SUMMER, AND YOU'RE SITTING ON A LEATHER SOFA, AND YOU'RE WEARING SHORTS

AND YOU'RE SITTING ON A LEATHER SOFA, AND YOU'RE WEARING SHORTS AND YOU'RE SWEATING, AND YOU

SOFA, AND YOU'RE WEARING SHORTS AND YOU'RE SWEATING, AND YOU HAVE TO STAND UP REAL QUICKLY?

AND YOU'RE SWEATING, AND YOU HAVE TO STAND UP REAL QUICKLY? THAT'S MY FAVORITE PAIN!

HAVE TO STAND UP REAL QUICKLY? THAT'S MY FAVORITE PAIN! YOU SAID MY EXACT FAVORITE!

THAT'S MY FAVORITE PAIN! YOU SAID MY EXACT FAVORITE! THAT'S MY FAVORITE!

YOU SAID MY EXACT FAVORITE! THAT'S MY FAVORITE! LISTEN.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE! LISTEN. DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN

LISTEN. DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE SITTING IN YOUR ROOM, AND

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE SITTING IN YOUR ROOM, AND YOU HEAR SCREAMS AND SHOUTS

YOU'RE SITTING IN YOUR ROOM, AND YOU HEAR SCREAMS AND SHOUTS OUTSIDE, 'CAUSE SOMEONE GOT HIT

YOU HEAR SCREAMS AND SHOUTS OUTSIDE, 'CAUSE SOMEONE GOT HIT BY A TRUCK?

OUTSIDE, 'CAUSE SOMEONE GOT HIT BY A TRUCK? YEAH! YEAH!

BY A TRUCK? YEAH! YEAH! WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LAND MASS?

YEAH! YEAH! WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LAND MASS? THE DALMATIAN ISLANDS, JUST

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LAND MASS? THE DALMATIAN ISLANDS, JUST OFF THE COAST OF YUGOSLAVIA.

THE DALMATIAN ISLANDS, JUST OFF THE COAST OF YUGOSLAVIA. THE SOUTHERN ONE?

OFF THE COAST OF YUGOSLAVIA. THE SOUTHERN ONE? A LITTLE FURTHER INLAND?

THE SOUTHERN ONE? A LITTLE FURTHER INLAND? Both: JUST ABOVE THE 30th

A LITTLE FURTHER INLAND? Both: JUST ABOVE THE 30th PARALLEL!

Both: JUST ABOVE THE 30th PARALLEL! I LIKE YOUR NOSE.

PARALLEL! I LIKE YOUR NOSE. AH.

I LIKE YOUR NOSE. AH. YOU'RE SO HEALTHY-LOOKING.

AH. YOU'RE SO HEALTHY-LOOKING. YOU'RE REAL NATURAL.

YOU'RE SO HEALTHY-LOOKING. YOU'RE REAL NATURAL. WELL, I TRY TO EAT RIGHT, AND

YOU'RE REAL NATURAL. WELL, I TRY TO EAT RIGHT, AND I EXERCISE.

WELL, I TRY TO EAT RIGHT, AND I EXERCISE. AND I NEVER OPEN A SAFETY PIN

I EXERCISE. AND I NEVER OPEN A SAFETY PIN AND PUNCH IT INTO MY FACE ALL

AND I NEVER OPEN A SAFETY PIN AND PUNCH IT INTO MY FACE ALL OVER.

AND PUNCH IT INTO MY FACE ALL OVER. THAT'S GOOD, REAL GOOD.

OVER. THAT'S GOOD, REAL GOOD. LOOK, UH, DON'T YOU JUST HATE

THAT'S GOOD, REAL GOOD. LOOK, UH, DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN SOMEBODY DIES IN THE

LOOK, UH, DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN SOMEBODY DIES IN THE APARTMENT NEXT DOOR TO YOURS,

IT WHEN SOMEBODY DIES IN THE APARTMENT NEXT DOOR TO YOURS, AND THEY DON'T FIND THEM FOR A

APARTMENT NEXT DOOR TO YOURS, AND THEY DON'T FIND THEM FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND WHEN THEY

AND THEY DON'T FIND THEM FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND WHEN THEY DO, THEIR PET PARROT ATE HALF OF

COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND WHEN THEY DO, THEIR PET PARROT ATE HALF OF THEM?

DO, THEIR PET PARROT ATE HALF OF THEM? YES.

THEM? YES. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO

YES. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO RIGHT NOW?

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO RIGHT NOW? WHAT?

DO RIGHT NOW? WHAT? HAVE YOU SEEN "A STAR IS

WHAT? HAVE YOU SEEN "A STAR IS BORN"?

HAVE YOU SEEN "A STAR IS BORN"? YES!

BORN"? YES! WELL, LET'S GO STAND IN LINE,

YES! WELL, LET'S GO STAND IN LINE, AND WHEN IT GETS TO BE OUR TURN,

WELL, LET'S GO STAND IN LINE, AND WHEN IT GETS TO BE OUR TURN, WE'LL GO BACK AND GET AT THE END

AND WHEN IT GETS TO BE OUR TURN, WE'LL GO BACK AND GET AT THE END OF THE LINE AGAIN!

WE'LL GO BACK AND GET AT THE END OF THE LINE AGAIN! OH, I'D LOVE THAT!

OF THE LINE AGAIN! OH, I'D LOVE THAT! LET'S GO!

OH, I'D LOVE THAT! LET'S GO! YOU LIKE TO HOP?!

LET'S GO! YOU LIKE TO HOP?! OH, EVERYWHERE!

YOU LIKE TO HOP?! OH, EVERYWHERE! OH!

[BAND PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WANT TO THANK MY SPECIAL GUEST, LILY TOMLIN. THANK YOU.

GUEST, LILY TOMLIN. THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND THE KINKS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND THE KINKS. SEE YOU IN MINNEAPOLIS TOMORROW

AND THE KINKS. SEE YOU IN MINNEAPOLIS TOMORROW NIGHT!

SEE YOU IN MINNEAPOLIS TOMORROW NIGHT! NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

NIGHT! NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

Announcer: NEXT WEEK, WATCH

NBC's "WEEKEND" WITH

LLOYD DOBBINS.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" WILL RETURN IN

TWO WEEKS ON MARCH 12th, WHEN

OUR HOST WILL BE SISSY SPACEK,

WITH MUSICAL GUEST

RICHARD BASKIN.

YOUR ANNOUNCER HAS BEEN

DONALD PARDO.

[SINGING TO "MICKEY MOUSE" CLUB

[TUNE]

♪ D-O-N-A-L-D P-A-R-D-O ♪

GOOD NIGHT!