Original subtitles

BECAUSE HE CAN'T. BECAUSE HE CAN'T DO THE SHOW. HE WAS IN DRESS REHEAR...

BECAUSE HE CAN'T DO THE SHOW. HE WAS IN DRESS REHEAR... YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK DANNY

HE WAS IN DRESS REHEAR... YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK DANNY TO GO OUT AND DO THE OPENING.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK DANNY TO GO OUT AND DO THE OPENING. BELUSHI IS JUST NOT READ...

TO GO OUT AND DO THE OPENING. BELUSHI IS JUST NOT READ... YEAH, ONE SECOND, PLEASE. OKAY?

BELUSHI IS JUST NOT READ... YEAH, ONE SECOND, PLEASE. OKAY? SEND DANNY OUT.

YEAH, ONE SECOND, PLEASE. OKAY? SEND DANNY OUT. THIS IS JOHN'S DOCTOR.

SEND DANNY OUT. THIS IS JOHN'S DOCTOR. MR. MICHAELS, HE'S GOT TO GO

THIS IS JOHN'S DOCTOR. MR. MICHAELS, HE'S GOT TO GO ON.

MR. MICHAELS, HE'S GOT TO GO ON. NOW, MAYBE HE'S NOT 100%

ON. NOW, MAYBE HE'S NOT 100% BELUSHI, BUT HE'S GOT THE DRIVE

NOW, MAYBE HE'S NOT 100% BELUSHI, BUT HE'S GOT THE DRIVE HE'S GOT THE WILL.

BELUSHI, BUT HE'S GOT THE DRIVE HE'S GOT THE WILL. DOCTOR...

HE'S GOT THE WILL. DOCTOR... HE'S GOT TO PERFORM.

DOCTOR... HE'S GOT TO PERFORM. HE'LL BE CRUSHED IF HE DOESN'T.

HE'S GOT TO PERFORM. HE'LL BE CRUSHED IF HE DOESN'T. I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE WITH

HE'LL BE CRUSHED IF HE DOESN'T. I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU, BUT FROM WHAT I SAW IN

I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU, BUT FROM WHAT I SAW IN DRESS REHEARSAL, I CANNOT PUT

YOU, BUT FROM WHAT I SAW IN DRESS REHEARSAL, I CANNOT PUT BELUSHI ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

DRESS REHEARSAL, I CANNOT PUT BELUSHI ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. GILDA, WOULD YOU PLEASE FETCH

BELUSHI ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. GILDA, WOULD YOU PLEASE FETCH HIM IN HERE?

GILDA, WOULD YOU PLEASE FETCH HIM IN HERE? JUST TAKE ONE MORE LOOK AT HIM,

HIM IN HERE? JUST TAKE ONE MORE LOOK AT HIM, PLEASE.

JUST TAKE ONE MORE LOOK AT HIM, PLEASE. THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED.

PLEASE. THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED. WE'RE ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW.

THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED. WE'RE ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW. I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW. I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND. I CAN'T PUT HIM IN.

I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND. I CAN'T PUT HIM IN. AHH.

I CAN'T PUT HIM IN. AHH. WELL, NOW, YOU SEE? YOU SEE?

AHH. WELL, NOW, YOU SEE? YOU SEE? YOU SEE? YOU SEE?

WELL, NOW, YOU SEE? YOU SEE? YOU SEE? YOU SEE? THERE YOU GO.

YOU SEE? YOU SEE? THERE YOU GO. LOOK, I CAN'T PUT THIS MAN ON

THERE YOU GO. LOOK, I CAN'T PUT THIS MAN ON TELEVISION.

LOOK, I CAN'T PUT THIS MAN ON TELEVISION. I MEAN, HE'S BARELY AWAKE.

TELEVISION. I MEAN, HE'S BARELY AWAKE. LORNE, IF JOHN BELUSHI COULD

I MEAN, HE'S BARELY AWAKE. LORNE, IF JOHN BELUSHI COULD SPEAK, HE'D TELL YOU HE'S GOT TO

LORNE, IF JOHN BELUSHI COULD SPEAK, HE'D TELL YOU HE'S GOT TO GO ON.

SPEAK, HE'D TELL YOU HE'S GOT TO GO ON. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

GO ON. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY ARE YOU SO CONVINCED THAT

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY ARE YOU SO CONVINCED THAT THIS MAN CAN DO A SHOW?

WHY ARE YOU SO CONVINCED THAT THIS MAN CAN DO A SHOW? [LAUGHS]

THIS MAN CAN DO A SHOW? [LAUGHS] TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, IT'S

[LAUGHS] TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, IT'S ABOUT MY FEE.

TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, IT'S ABOUT MY FEE. YOU SEE, IF HE DOESN'T GO ON, HE

ABOUT MY FEE. YOU SEE, IF HE DOESN'T GO ON, HE DOESN'T GET PAID.

YOU SEE, IF HE DOESN'T GO ON, HE DOESN'T GET PAID. AND IF HE DOESN'T GET PAID, I

DOESN'T GET PAID. AND IF HE DOESN'T GET PAID, I DON'T GET PAID.

AND IF HE DOESN'T GET PAID, I DON'T GET PAID. AND IF I DON'T GET PAID, I'LL BE

DON'T GET PAID. AND IF I DON'T GET PAID, I'LL BE FORCED TO CUT OFF HIS DRUGS.

AND IF I DON'T GET PAID, I'LL BE FORCED TO CUT OFF HIS DRUGS. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

FORCED TO CUT OFF HIS DRUGS. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NBC'S "SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING...

"SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING... WITH SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RUTH GORDON! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL... WELL, TONIGHT... TONIGHT YOU'RE SEEING SOMEBODY VERY UNUSUAL IN THIS WORLD

TONIGHT YOU'RE SEEING SOMEBODY VERY UNUSUAL IN THIS WORLD BECAUSE I'M DOING SOMETHING I

VERY UNUSUAL IN THIS WORLD BECAUSE I'M DOING SOMETHING I LIKE TO DO.

BECAUSE I'M DOING SOMETHING I LIKE TO DO. I'M SORRY THAT'S UNUSUAL, BUT

LIKE TO DO. I'M SORRY THAT'S UNUSUAL, BUT THAT EXPLAINS ME.

I'M SORRY THAT'S UNUSUAL, BUT THAT EXPLAINS ME. TONIGHT I'M HERE BECAUSE I ENJOY

THAT EXPLAINS ME. TONIGHT I'M HERE BECAUSE I ENJOY BEING HERE.

TONIGHT I'M HERE BECAUSE I ENJOY BEING HERE. I LIKE TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.

BEING HERE. I LIKE TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE. I LIKE TO GET APPLAUSE.

I LIKE TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE. I LIKE TO GET APPLAUSE. AND WHEN I'M ON, I LIKE TO DO

I LIKE TO GET APPLAUSE. AND WHEN I'M ON, I LIKE TO DO SOMETHING NEW.

AND WHEN I'M ON, I LIKE TO DO SOMETHING NEW. AND IS THIS EVER NEW TONIGHT?

SOMETHING NEW. AND IS THIS EVER NEW TONIGHT? BECAUSE TONIGHT, THE BUNCH

AND IS THIS EVER NEW TONIGHT? BECAUSE TONIGHT, THE BUNCH BELIEVES THAT I, AFTER 61 YEARS

BECAUSE TONIGHT, THE BUNCH BELIEVES THAT I, AFTER 61 YEARS OF BEING AN ACTRESS, THAT I AM

BELIEVES THAT I, AFTER 61 YEARS OF BEING AN ACTRESS, THAT I AM READY FOR THE

OF BEING AN ACTRESS, THAT I AM READY FOR THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

READY FOR THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS. AND HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS?

PLAYERS. AND HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS? FIVE WILL GET YOU 10.

AND HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS? FIVE WILL GET YOU 10. I AM READY.

FIVE WILL GET YOU 10. I AM READY. TAKE IT EASY.

I AM READY. TAKE IT EASY. [APPLAUSE]

["THE MARINES' HYMN" PLAYS] [NO AUDIO] ["THE MARINES' HYMN"

[NO AUDIO] ["THE MARINES' HYMN" CONTINUES]

Announcer: THE MARINES.

♪ ALL THE CRITICS HATED MY NEW MOVIE ♪ ♪ "A STAR IS BORN" WAS

NEW MOVIE ♪ ♪ "A STAR IS BORN" WAS SELF-INDULGENT, THEY AGREE ♪

♪ "A STAR IS BORN" WAS SELF-INDULGENT, THEY AGREE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE IN THE FILM, I'M

SELF-INDULGENT, THEY AGREE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE IN THE FILM, I'M PRACTICALLY THE ONLY OTHER ONE

♪ 'CAUSE IN THE FILM, I'M PRACTICALLY THE ONLY OTHER ONE YOU EVER SEE ♪

PRACTICALLY THE ONLY OTHER ONE YOU EVER SEE ♪ ♪ I'LL ADMIT THE FILM WAS WEAK

YOU EVER SEE ♪ ♪ I'LL ADMIT THE FILM WAS WEAK IN PLACES ♪

♪ I'LL ADMIT THE FILM WAS WEAK IN PLACES ♪ ♪ LIKE WHEN THE CAMERA WAS ON

IN PLACES ♪ ♪ LIKE WHEN THE CAMERA WAS ON OTHER PEOPLE'S FACES ♪

♪ LIKE WHEN THE CAMERA WAS ON OTHER PEOPLE'S FACES ♪ ♪ AND I SAY THAT NOT FROM

OTHER PEOPLE'S FACES ♪ ♪ AND I SAY THAT NOT FROM SELF-INDULGENCY ♪

♪ AND I SAY THAT NOT FROM SELF-INDULGENCY ♪ ♪ BUT BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH

SELF-INDULGENCY ♪ ♪ BUT BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH ME ♪

♪ BUT BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH ME ♪ ♪ ME ♪

ME ♪ ♪ ME ♪ ♪ ME ♪

♪ ME ♪ ♪ ME ♪ ♪ ME ♪

♪ ME ♪ ♪ ME ♪ ♪ I'M WHO EVERYONE SHOULD BE ♪

♪ ME ♪ ♪ I'M WHO EVERYONE SHOULD BE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVEN IF ONE OF MY FILMS

♪ I'M WHO EVERYONE SHOULD BE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVEN IF ONE OF MY FILMS SUCKS, IT STILL MAKES

♪ 'CAUSE EVEN IF ONE OF MY FILMS SUCKS, IT STILL MAKES 4 MILLION BUCKS FOR ME ♪

SUCKS, IT STILL MAKES 4 MILLION BUCKS FOR ME ♪ ♪ JUST FOR ME ♪

4 MILLION BUCKS FOR ME ♪ ♪ JUST FOR ME ♪ ♪ I WAS NOT IN "LADY SINGS THE

♪ JUST FOR ME ♪ ♪ I WAS NOT IN "LADY SINGS THE BLUES" 'CAUSE NOBODY WOULD

♪ I WAS NOT IN "LADY SINGS THE BLUES" 'CAUSE NOBODY WOULD LISTEN WHEN I KEPT SAYING JUST

BLUES" 'CAUSE NOBODY WOULD LISTEN WHEN I KEPT SAYING JUST MAKE IT JEWS ♪

LISTEN WHEN I KEPT SAYING JUST MAKE IT JEWS ♪ ♪ FOR ME ♪

MAKE IT JEWS ♪ ♪ FOR ME ♪ ♪ I'VE PLAYED MISS MARMELSTEIN,

♪ FOR ME ♪ ♪ I'VE PLAYED MISS MARMELSTEIN, FANNY BRICE, AND DOLLY LEVI ♪

♪ I'VE PLAYED MISS MARMELSTEIN, FANNY BRICE, AND DOLLY LEVI ♪ ♪ BUT THOUGH EACH PART HAD A

FANNY BRICE, AND DOLLY LEVI ♪ ♪ BUT THOUGH EACH PART HAD A DIFFERENT NAME ♪

♪ BUT THOUGH EACH PART HAD A DIFFERENT NAME ♪ ♪ YOU COULD'VE SEEN THEM ALL

DIFFERENT NAME ♪ ♪ YOU COULD'VE SEEN THEM ALL WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED ♪

♪ YOU COULD'VE SEEN THEM ALL WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I ACTED EVERY ONE OF

WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I ACTED EVERY ONE OF THEM THE SAME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I ACTED EVERY ONE OF THEM THE SAME ♪ ♪ EXACTLY THE SAME ♪

THEM THE SAME ♪ ♪ EXACTLY THE SAME ♪ ♪ EXACTLY LIKE ME ♪

♪ EXACTLY THE SAME ♪ ♪ EXACTLY LIKE ME ♪ ♪ A BEAUTICIAN

♪ EXACTLY LIKE ME ♪ ♪ A BEAUTICIAN PRODUCED MY LAST FILM WITH GREAT

♪ A BEAUTICIAN PRODUCED MY LAST FILM WITH GREAT CARE ♪

PRODUCED MY LAST FILM WITH GREAT CARE ♪ ♪ AND THE EDITING SURE SHOWED

CARE ♪ ♪ AND THE EDITING SURE SHOWED IT ♪

♪ AND THE EDITING SURE SHOWED IT ♪ ♪ "A STAR IS BORN" WAS CUT JUST

IT ♪ ♪ "A STAR IS BORN" WAS CUT JUST LIKE MY HAIR ♪

♪ "A STAR IS BORN" WAS CUT JUST LIKE MY HAIR ♪ ♪ FOR ME ♪

LIKE MY HAIR ♪ ♪ FOR ME ♪ ♪ SO, HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN

♪ FOR ME ♪ ♪ SO, HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN FOR ME ♪

♪ SO, HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN FOR ME ♪ ♪ YOU CAN RAIN ON MY PARADE, BUT

FOR ME ♪ ♪ YOU CAN RAIN ON MY PARADE, BUT NOT ON ME! ♪

♪ YOU CAN RAIN ON MY PARADE, BUT NOT ON ME! ♪ ♪ AND MY MAN, I LOVE HIM SO, BUT

NOT ON ME! ♪ ♪ AND MY MAN, I LOVE HIM SO, BUT NOT LIKE I LOVE ME ♪

♪ AND MY MAN, I LOVE HIM SO, BUT NOT LIKE I LOVE ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE ON A CLEAR DAY YOU CAN

NOT LIKE I LOVE ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE ON A CLEAR DAY YOU CAN SEE ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE ON A CLEAR DAY YOU CAN SEE ME ♪ ♪ BUT TELL ME WOULD YOU, COULD

SEE ME ♪ ♪ BUT TELL ME WOULD YOU, COULD YOU BE ME? ♪

♪ BUT TELL ME WOULD YOU, COULD YOU BE ME? ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, DOLLY ♪

YOU BE ME? ♪ ♪ GOODBYE, DOLLY ♪ ♪ HELLO, ME ♪

♪ GOODBYE, DOLLY ♪ ♪ HELLO, ME ♪ ♪ THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE

♪ HELLO, ME ♪ ♪ THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE ME ♪

♪ THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE ME ♪ ♪ BUT FIRST BE A PERSON WHO IS

ME ♪ ♪ BUT FIRST BE A PERSON WHO IS ME ♪

♪ BUT FIRST BE A PERSON WHO IS ME ♪ ♪ PEOPLE WHO ARE ME ARE THE

ME ♪ ♪ PEOPLE WHO ARE ME ARE THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ♪

♪ PEOPLE WHO ARE ME ARE THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND IT'S THE LAUGHTER

LUCKIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND IT'S THE LAUGHTER THAT WE'LL REMEMBER ♪

♪ AND IT'S THE LAUGHTER THAT WE'LL REMEMBER ♪ ♪ WHENEVER WE REMEMBER

THAT WE'LL REMEMBER ♪ ♪ WHENEVER WE REMEMBER M-E-E ♪

♪ WHENEVER WE REMEMBER M-E-E ♪ ♪ ME! ♪

M-E-E ♪ ♪ ME! ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, ESSIE, SHALL WE HAVE SOME NICE TOAST FOR LUNCH? OH, I LOVE TOAST, BUT WE HAD

SOME NICE TOAST FOR LUNCH? OH, I LOVE TOAST, BUT WE HAD TOAST FOR BREAKFAST.

OH, I LOVE TOAST, BUT WE HAD TOAST FOR BREAKFAST. HOW ABOUT SOME NICE CAKE?

TOAST FOR BREAKFAST. HOW ABOUT SOME NICE CAKE? OH, WELL, WE COULD TOAST IT.

HOW ABOUT SOME NICE CAKE? OH, WELL, WE COULD TOAST IT. ALTHOUGH, REAL TOAST IS ONE OF

OH, WELL, WE COULD TOAST IT. ALTHOUGH, REAL TOAST IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES OF THE FOODS.

ALTHOUGH, REAL TOAST IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES OF THE FOODS. I KNOW!

MY FAVORITES OF THE FOODS. I KNOW! LET'S HAVE RAISIN TOAST, AND

I KNOW! LET'S HAVE RAISIN TOAST, AND LET'S CUT IT IN POINTS.

LET'S HAVE RAISIN TOAST, AND LET'S CUT IT IN POINTS. OH, LOVELY, ESSIE!

LET'S CUT IT IN POINTS. OH, LOVELY, ESSIE! BUT IT'S MY TURN TO CUT IT.

OH, LOVELY, ESSIE! BUT IT'S MY TURN TO CUT IT. YOU CUT IT AT BREAKFAST.

BUT IT'S MY TURN TO CUT IT. YOU CUT IT AT BREAKFAST. THAT WAS STRIPES!

YOU CUT IT AT BREAKFAST. THAT WAS STRIPES! THIS IS POINTS!

THAT WAS STRIPES! THIS IS POINTS! OH, ESSIE.

THIS IS POINTS! OH, ESSIE. THERE WE GO.

OH, ESSIE. THERE WE GO. WELL, EMILY?

THERE WE GO. WELL, EMILY? YES?

WELL, EMILY? YES? I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU'VE

YES? I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU'VE BECOME THE CORRESPONDENT ON

I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU'VE BECOME THE CORRESPONDENT ON "NEWS UPDATE."

BECOME THE CORRESPONDENT ON "NEWS UPDATE." OH, YES.

"NEWS UPDATE." OH, YES. HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT THIS

OH, YES. HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL IS GONNA BE?

HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL IS GONNA BE? OH, NO, I HAVEN'T, ESSIE.

WEEK'S EDITORIAL IS GONNA BE? OH, NO, I HAVEN'T, ESSIE. I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR HELP.

OH, NO, I HAVEN'T, ESSIE. I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR HELP. NOW, THAT JANE CURTIN GIRL IS

I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR HELP. NOW, THAT JANE CURTIN GIRL IS GOING TO BE SO ANGRY WITH ME IF

NOW, THAT JANE CURTIN GIRL IS GOING TO BE SO ANGRY WITH ME IF I DON'T COME UP WITH SOMETHING

GOING TO BE SO ANGRY WITH ME IF I DON'T COME UP WITH SOMETHING RELEVANT.

I DON'T COME UP WITH SOMETHING RELEVANT. NOW, ESSIE, WHAT ARE THE BURNING

RELEVANT. NOW, ESSIE, WHAT ARE THE BURNING ISSUES OF THE DAY?

NOW, ESSIE, WHAT ARE THE BURNING ISSUES OF THE DAY? HMM...

ISSUES OF THE DAY? HMM... THE BURNING TISSUES OF THE DAY?

HMM... THE BURNING TISSUES OF THE DAY? OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THE BURNING TISSUES OF THE DAY? OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. HOW CAN YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE ON

OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. HOW CAN YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE ON SOMETHING THAT'S BURNING?

HOW CAN YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE ON SOMETHING THAT'S BURNING? ISSUES, ESSIE! ISSUES!

SOMETHING THAT'S BURNING? ISSUES, ESSIE! ISSUES! OH, WELL, UH...

ISSUES, ESSIE! ISSUES! OH, WELL, UH... OH! THERE'S THIS NEW FAD...

OH, WELL, UH... OH! THERE'S THIS NEW FAD... TRANSCENDENTAL MEDICATION.

OH! THERE'S THIS NEW FAD... TRANSCENDENTAL MEDICATION. AND THEN THERE'S ALL THIS HOOPLA

TRANSCENDENTAL MEDICATION. AND THEN THERE'S ALL THIS HOOPLA THEY'RE MAKING OVER SHIPS

AND THEN THERE'S ALL THIS HOOPLA THEY'RE MAKING OVER SHIPS DISAPPEARING IN THE MAGUDA

THEY'RE MAKING OVER SHIPS DISAPPEARING IN THE MAGUDA TRIANGLE.

DISAPPEARING IN THE MAGUDA TRIANGLE. OH, OH, DEAR, NO, NO, NO.

TRIANGLE. OH, OH, DEAR, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S MUCH TOO PERSONAL.

OH, OH, DEAR, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S MUCH TOO PERSONAL. WELL, THEN WHAT IS ALL THIS

THAT'S MUCH TOO PERSONAL. WELL, THEN WHAT IS ALL THIS RUCKUS RALPH NADER'S BEEN

WELL, THEN WHAT IS ALL THIS RUCKUS RALPH NADER'S BEEN RAISING ABOUT EQUIPPING EVERY

RUCKUS RALPH NADER'S BEEN RAISING ABOUT EQUIPPING EVERY CAR IN AMERICA WITH AN AIR FAG?

RAISING ABOUT EQUIPPING EVERY CAR IN AMERICA WITH AN AIR FAG? AIR FAG?

CAR IN AMERICA WITH AN AIR FAG? AIR FAG? WELL, THAT'S TERRIBLE!

AIR FAG? WELL, THAT'S TERRIBLE! I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE ENOUGH

WELL, THAT'S TERRIBLE! I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE ENOUGH OF THOSE HOMOS TO GO AROUND!

I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE ENOUGH OF THOSE HOMOS TO GO AROUND! I SAY LET'S KEEP THEM IN

OF THOSE HOMOS TO GO AROUND! I SAY LET'S KEEP THEM IN GREENWICH VILLAGE WHERE THEY

I SAY LET'S KEEP THEM IN GREENWICH VILLAGE WHERE THEY BELONG!

GREENWICH VILLAGE WHERE THEY BELONG! LOOK, EMILY! A DUCK!

BELONG! LOOK, EMILY! A DUCK! ESSIE!

LOOK, EMILY! A DUCK! ESSIE! YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!

ESSIE! YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! IT'S YOUR FILTHY MOUTH THAT'S

YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! IT'S YOUR FILTHY MOUTH THAT'S KEPT YOU OFF THE TELEVISION ALL

IT'S YOUR FILTHY MOUTH THAT'S KEPT YOU OFF THE TELEVISION ALL THESE YEARS.

KEPT YOU OFF THE TELEVISION ALL THESE YEARS. NOW, DEAR, DEAR, WHAT AM I GOING

THESE YEARS. NOW, DEAR, DEAR, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ON "UPDATE" THIS WEEK?

NOW, DEAR, DEAR, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ON "UPDATE" THIS WEEK? I MEAN, COULD I TALK ABOUT

TO DO ON "UPDATE" THIS WEEK? I MEAN, COULD I TALK ABOUT TOAST?

I MEAN, COULD I TALK ABOUT TOAST? EMILY, LET'S PRETEND I'M THE

TOAST? EMILY, LET'S PRETEND I'M THE ONE WHO GOES ON "UPDATE."

EMILY, LET'S PRETEND I'M THE ONE WHO GOES ON "UPDATE." NOW, INTRODUCE ME, COME ON.

ONE WHO GOES ON "UPDATE." NOW, INTRODUCE ME, COME ON. OH, ALL RIGHT.

NOW, INTRODUCE ME, COME ON. OH, ALL RIGHT. [CLEARS THROAT]

OH, ALL RIGHT. [CLEARS THROAT] AND NOW, IN RESPONSE TO A RECENT

[CLEARS THROAT] AND NOW, IN RESPONSE TO A RECENT EDITORIAL WHICH WAS SHOWN ON

AND NOW, IN RESPONSE TO A RECENT EDITORIAL WHICH WAS SHOWN ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," HERE, WITH AN

EDITORIAL WHICH WAS SHOWN ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," HERE, WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY... WATCH IT,

"WEEKEND UPDATE," HERE, WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY... WATCH IT, ESSIE... IS MISS ESSIE LITELLA.

EDITORIAL REPLY... WATCH IT, ESSIE... IS MISS ESSIE LITELLA. WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP

ESSIE... IS MISS ESSIE LITELLA. WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT FLEA ELECTIONS IN

WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT FLEA ELECTIONS IN CHINA?

HEARING ABOUT FLEA ELECTIONS IN CHINA? IF ORIENTAL INSECTS WANT TO RUN

CHINA? IF ORIENTAL INSECTS WANT TO RUN FOR OFFICE, THAT IS THEIR

IF ORIENTAL INSECTS WANT TO RUN FOR OFFICE, THAT IS THEIR BUSINESS.

FOR OFFICE, THAT IS THEIR BUSINESS. MISS LITELLA! MISS LITELLA!

BUSINESS. MISS LITELLA! MISS LITELLA! WHAT?

MISS LITELLA! MISS LITELLA! WHAT? THAT'S FLEA ERECTIONS.

WHAT? THAT'S FLEA ERECTIONS. FLEA ERECTIONS.

THAT'S FLEA ERECTIONS. FLEA ERECTIONS. OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY

FLEA ERECTIONS. OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT. NEVER MIND.

DIFFERENT. NEVER MIND. OH! ESSIE, LOOK!

NEVER MIND. OH! ESSIE, LOOK! A POSTCARD FROM NORM CROSBY.

OH! ESSIE, LOOK! A POSTCARD FROM NORM CROSBY. LET ME READ IT TO YOU.

A POSTCARD FROM NORM CROSBY. LET ME READ IT TO YOU. "DEAR LITELLA SISTERS, KEEP UP

LET ME READ IT TO YOU. "DEAR LITELLA SISTERS, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORM, ALL MY LUNCH,

"DEAR LITELLA SISTERS, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORM, ALL MY LUNCH, NORN."

THE GOOD WORM, ALL MY LUNCH, NORN." WELL, THAT'S PRETTY STUPID.

NORN." WELL, THAT'S PRETTY STUPID. LET'S TOAST IT.

HELLO, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO THE "TOMORROW" SHOW. WELL, HE DID IT.

TO THE "TOMORROW" SHOW. WELL, HE DID IT. PEANUT BUTTER IN THE

WELL, HE DID IT. PEANUT BUTTER IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

PEANUT BUTTER IN THE WHITE HOUSE. WHAT THE HECK WE'LL BE EATING IN

WHITE HOUSE. WHAT THE HECK WE'LL BE EATING IN FOUR YEARS FROM NOW, I JUST

WHAT THE HECK WE'LL BE EATING IN FOUR YEARS FROM NOW, I JUST DON'T KNOW.

FOUR YEARS FROM NOW, I JUST DON'T KNOW. ANYWAY, TONIGHT WE'LL BE EATING

DON'T KNOW. ANYWAY, TONIGHT WE'LL BE EATING BANANAS.

ANYWAY, TONIGHT WE'LL BE EATING BANANAS. HA.

BANANAS. HA. HEY, BANANAS AND PEANUT BUTTER

HA. HEY, BANANAS AND PEANUT BUTTER MAKE PRETTY GOOD SANDWICHES,

HEY, BANANAS AND PEANUT BUTTER MAKE PRETTY GOOD SANDWICHES, DON'T THEY?

MAKE PRETTY GOOD SANDWICHES, DON'T THEY? [LAUGHS]

DON'T THEY? [LAUGHS] I THINK BOB KNOWS WHAT I'M

[LAUGHS] I THINK BOB KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT THERE.

I THINK BOB KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT THERE. HE'S IN THE CREW.

TALKING ABOUT THERE. HE'S IN THE CREW. BUT...

HE'S IN THE CREW. BUT... ANYWAY, I SAY BANANAS BECAUSE

BUT... ANYWAY, I SAY BANANAS BECAUSE TONIGHT OUR GUEST IS THE GUY WHO

ANYWAY, I SAY BANANAS BECAUSE TONIGHT OUR GUEST IS THE GUY WHO MADE THE BIGGEST APE MOVIE OF

TONIGHT OUR GUEST IS THE GUY WHO MADE THE BIGGEST APE MOVIE OF THEM ALL, "KING KONG,"

MADE THE BIGGEST APE MOVIE OF THEM ALL, "KING KONG," DINO DE LAURENTIIS, THE PRODUCER

THEM ALL, "KING KONG," DINO DE LAURENTIIS, THE PRODUCER OF THAT MOVIE.

DINO DE LAURENTIIS, THE PRODUCER OF THAT MOVIE. HE'S HERE WITH US TONIGHT.

OF THAT MOVIE. HE'S HERE WITH US TONIGHT. AT THE OUTSET, I'D JUST LIKE

HE'S HERE WITH US TONIGHT. AT THE OUTSET, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, WELL, OBVIOUSLY

AT THE OUTSET, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, WELL, OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR

TO SAY, WELL, OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR LEGS, SIR.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR LEGS, SIR. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?

LEGS, SIR. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED? [Italian accent] MY KONG,

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED? [Italian accent] MY KONG, HE HAS A GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW?

[Italian accent] MY KONG, HE HAS A GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW? A LITTLE FUN WITH

HE HAS A GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW? A LITTLE FUN WITH MR. JEFF BRIDGES, YOU KNOW?

A LITTLE FUN WITH MR. JEFF BRIDGES, YOU KNOW? AND ONE GRABBED ONE LEG, ONE

MR. JEFF BRIDGES, YOU KNOW? AND ONE GRABBED ONE LEG, ONE GRABBED THE OTHER LEG AND SAID,

AND ONE GRABBED ONE LEG, ONE GRABBED THE OTHER LEG AND SAID, "MAKE A WISH."

GRABBED THE OTHER LEG AND SAID, "MAKE A WISH." AND KONG BEAT HIM, YOU KNOW?

"MAKE A WISH." AND KONG BEAT HIM, YOU KNOW? ABOUT THE PICTURE ITSELF,

AND KONG BEAT HIM, YOU KNOW? ABOUT THE PICTURE ITSELF, MR. DE LAURENTIIS, A FEW MEMBERS

ABOUT THE PICTURE ITSELF, MR. DE LAURENTIIS, A FEW MEMBERS OF THE HOLLYWOOD PRESS HAVE SAID

MR. DE LAURENTIIS, A FEW MEMBERS OF THE HOLLYWOOD PRESS HAVE SAID THAT WITH ALL THAT MONEY...

OF THE HOLLYWOOD PRESS HAVE SAID THAT WITH ALL THAT MONEY... YOU'VE MADE OVER 500

THAT WITH ALL THAT MONEY... YOU'VE MADE OVER 500 PICTURES.

YOU'VE MADE OVER 500 PICTURES. WITH ALL THE MONEY THAT YOU

PICTURES. WITH ALL THE MONEY THAT YOU SPENT ON "KING KONG," YOU COULD

WITH ALL THE MONEY THAT YOU SPENT ON "KING KONG," YOU COULD HAVE MADE 20 GOOD MOVIES

SPENT ON "KING KONG," YOU COULD HAVE MADE 20 GOOD MOVIES INSTEAD.

HAVE MADE 20 GOOD MOVIES INSTEAD. REPORTERS HAVE CALLED YOU

INSTEAD. REPORTERS HAVE CALLED YOU EVERYTHING FROM A RUTHLESS

REPORTERS HAVE CALLED YOU EVERYTHING FROM A RUTHLESS MONKEY PIMP TO A TOY COMMERCIAL

EVERYTHING FROM A RUTHLESS MONKEY PIMP TO A TOY COMMERCIAL MAKER.

MONKEY PIMP TO A TOY COMMERCIAL MAKER. NOW, HOW, SIR, DO YOU ANSWER

MAKER. NOW, HOW, SIR, DO YOU ANSWER THESE CHARGES?

NOW, HOW, SIR, DO YOU ANSWER THESE CHARGES? I ANSWER THESE CHARGES BY

THESE CHARGES? I ANSWER THESE CHARGES BY SAYING THIS... WHEN JAWS DIE,

I ANSWER THESE CHARGES BY SAYING THIS... WHEN JAWS DIE, NOBODY CRIES.

SAYING THIS... WHEN JAWS DIE, NOBODY CRIES. RIGHT?

NOBODY CRIES. RIGHT? WHEN MY KONG DIES, EVERYBODY

RIGHT? WHEN MY KONG DIES, EVERYBODY CRIES.

WHEN MY KONG DIES, EVERYBODY CRIES. INTELLECTUALS CRY.

CRIES. INTELLECTUALS CRY. LITTLE KIDS CRY.

INTELLECTUALS CRY. LITTLE KIDS CRY. ESPECIALLY WOMEN, THEY CRY.

LITTLE KIDS CRY. ESPECIALLY WOMEN, THEY CRY. IT'S LIKE A "BEAUTY AND THE

ESPECIALLY WOMEN, THEY CRY. IT'S LIKE A "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" TYPE THING.

IT'S LIKE A "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" TYPE THING. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOU,

BEAST" TYPE THING. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOU, TOO.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOU, TOO. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT.

TOO. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT. [LAUGHS]

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT. [LAUGHS] EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY LIKE

[LAUGHS] EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY LIKE MY KONG.

EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY LIKE MY KONG. YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY.

MY KONG. YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY. LET ME JUST ASK YOU THIS...

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY. LET ME JUST ASK YOU THIS... HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND ON

LET ME JUST ASK YOU THIS... HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND ON THE APE MODEL ITSELF?

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND ON THE APE MODEL ITSELF? TOM... TOM... TOM, TOM, TOM.

THE APE MODEL ITSELF? TOM... TOM... TOM, TOM, TOM. MONEY MEANS NOTHING TO ME.

TOM... TOM... TOM, TOM, TOM. MONEY MEANS NOTHING TO ME. I WANT TO MAKE A CLASSIC.

MONEY MEANS NOTHING TO ME. I WANT TO MAKE A CLASSIC. I WANT TO MAKE A $5-MILLION

I WANT TO MAKE A CLASSIC. I WANT TO MAKE A $5-MILLION ACCIDENT JUST TO MAKE A CLASSIC

I WANT TO MAKE A $5-MILLION ACCIDENT JUST TO MAKE A CLASSIC OUT OF THE KONG, ALL RIGHT?

ACCIDENT JUST TO MAKE A CLASSIC OUT OF THE KONG, ALL RIGHT? I WANT TO MAKE A PIECE OF ART,

OUT OF THE KONG, ALL RIGHT? I WANT TO MAKE A PIECE OF ART, YOU KNOW?

I WANT TO MAKE A PIECE OF ART, YOU KNOW? LIKE MICHELANGELO.

YOU KNOW? LIKE MICHELANGELO. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT ART?

LIKE MICHELANGELO. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT ART? KONG IS ART.

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT ART? KONG IS ART. KONG IS ART.

KONG IS ART. KONG IS ART. YOU KNOW?

KONG IS ART. YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE A

YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE A SPECIAL KONG FACE.

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE A SPECIAL KONG FACE. WHEN PEOPLE BRING ME A KONG

SPECIAL KONG FACE. WHEN PEOPLE BRING ME A KONG FACE, I SAY, "NO, THIS ONE IS

WHEN PEOPLE BRING ME A KONG FACE, I SAY, "NO, THIS ONE IS NOT RIGHT.

FACE, I SAY, "NO, THIS ONE IS NOT RIGHT. IT LOOKS LIKE 'PLANET OF THE

NOT RIGHT. IT LOOKS LIKE 'PLANET OF THE APES, ' YOU KNOW?"

IT LOOKS LIKE 'PLANET OF THE APES, ' YOU KNOW?" YES, SIR.

APES, ' YOU KNOW?" YES, SIR. I BRING ANOTHER ONE.

YES, SIR. I BRING ANOTHER ONE. I SAY, "IT LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE A

I BRING ANOTHER ONE. I SAY, "IT LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE A MAN, YOU KNOW?"

I SAY, "IT LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE A MAN, YOU KNOW?" SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

MAN, YOU KNOW?" SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THEY BRING ME ANOTHER ONE, IT

SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THEY BRING ME ANOTHER ONE, IT LOOKS LIKE CHARLES BRONSON, YOU

THEY BRING ME ANOTHER ONE, IT LOOKS LIKE CHARLES BRONSON, YOU KNOW?

LOOKS LIKE CHARLES BRONSON, YOU KNOW? I MADE DEATH WISH. I DID THAT.

KNOW? I MADE DEATH WISH. I DID THAT. CHARLES BRONSON IS A VERY GOOD

I MADE DEATH WISH. I DID THAT. CHARLES BRONSON IS A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

CHARLES BRONSON IS A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. AND SO, FINALLY, WHAT I HAD TO

FRIEND OF MINE. AND SO, FINALLY, WHAT I HAD TO DO... WHAT I HAD TO DO IS BRING

AND SO, FINALLY, WHAT I HAD TO DO... WHAT I HAD TO DO IS BRING IN SOMEONE FROM ITALY.

DO... WHAT I HAD TO DO IS BRING IN SOMEONE FROM ITALY. I'M ITALIAN.

IN SOMEONE FROM ITALY. I'M ITALIAN. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THAT.

I'M ITALIAN. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THAT. BUT I HAD TO BRING SOMEBODY IN

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THAT. BUT I HAD TO BRING SOMEBODY IN FROM ITALY, A MAN WHO IS A

BUT I HAD TO BRING SOMEBODY IN FROM ITALY, A MAN WHO IS A GENIUS, TO MAKE THE KONG FACE

FROM ITALY, A MAN WHO IS A GENIUS, TO MAKE THE KONG FACE THAT WAS RIGHT.

GENIUS, TO MAKE THE KONG FACE THAT WAS RIGHT. HE WAS A MAN NAMED GEPPETTO.

THAT WAS RIGHT. HE WAS A MAN NAMED GEPPETTO. AND HE USED TO MAKE PUPPETS.

HE WAS A MAN NAMED GEPPETTO. AND HE USED TO MAKE PUPPETS. LET ME ASK YOU THIS... WHY

AND HE USED TO MAKE PUPPETS. LET ME ASK YOU THIS... WHY MAKE ANOTHER VERSION OF

LET ME ASK YOU THIS... WHY MAKE ANOTHER VERSION OF "KING KONG"?

MAKE ANOTHER VERSION OF "KING KONG"? THE FIRST ONE... AND I DIDN'T

"KING KONG"? THE FIRST ONE... AND I DIDN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, WELL, AT THE

THE FIRST ONE... AND I DIDN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, WELL, AT THE TIME, MY MOTHER JUST WOULDN'T

SEE IT BECAUSE, WELL, AT THE TIME, MY MOTHER JUST WOULDN'T LET ME SEE IT.

TIME, MY MOTHER JUST WOULDN'T LET ME SEE IT. [LAUGHS]

LET ME SEE IT. [LAUGHS] TOO SCARY OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHS] TOO SCARY OR SOMETHING. I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

TOO SCARY OR SOMETHING. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. BUT THAT WAS A SUPERB VERSION OF

I REALLY DON'T KNOW. BUT THAT WAS A SUPERB VERSION OF A MOVIE, AND IT WAS GREAT

BUT THAT WAS A SUPERB VERSION OF A MOVIE, AND IT WAS GREAT CINEMA.

A MOVIE, AND IT WAS GREAT CINEMA. WHY DUPLICATE IT?

CINEMA. WHY DUPLICATE IT? THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.

WHY DUPLICATE IT? THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT OLD KONG, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT OLD KONG, ALL RIGHT? THE OLD KONG... LET ME TELL YOU

OLD KONG, ALL RIGHT? THE OLD KONG... LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THAT OLD KONG,

THE OLD KONG... LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THAT OLD KONG, ALL RIGHT?

SOMETHING ABOUT THAT OLD KONG, ALL RIGHT? LOOK, THE OLD KONG WAS...

ALL RIGHT? LOOK, THE OLD KONG WAS... THEY'D TELL THE OLD KONG, "WE

LOOK, THE OLD KONG WAS... THEY'D TELL THE OLD KONG, "WE GOT TO SHOOT TOMORROW MORNING AT

THEY'D TELL THE OLD KONG, "WE GOT TO SHOOT TOMORROW MORNING AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

GOT TO SHOOT TOMORROW MORNING AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING. WANT TO BE THERE AT 6:00 IN THE

6:00 IN THE MORNING. WANT TO BE THERE AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING."

WANT TO BE THERE AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING." HE'D SAY, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO

MORNING." HE'D SAY, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP.

HE'D SAY, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP. I WANT TO SHOOT AT 8:00 AT

SHOW UP. I WANT TO SHOOT AT 8:00 AT NIGHT."

I WANT TO SHOOT AT 8:00 AT NIGHT." HE'D BE DRUNK.

NIGHT." HE'D BE DRUNK. HE'D BE OUT ALL NIGHT LONG.

HE'D BE DRUNK. HE'D BE OUT ALL NIGHT LONG. HE WAS A BIG STAR.

HE'D BE OUT ALL NIGHT LONG. HE WAS A BIG STAR. HE WANTED TO SHOOT THEN.

HE WAS A BIG STAR. HE WANTED TO SHOOT THEN. SINATRA COULD DO THAT NOW.

HE WANTED TO SHOOT THEN. SINATRA COULD DO THAT NOW. SINATRA WANT TO SHOOT AT 8:00,

SINATRA COULD DO THAT NOW. SINATRA WANT TO SHOOT AT 8:00, YOU SHOOT AT 8:00 AT NIGHT.

SINATRA WANT TO SHOOT AT 8:00, YOU SHOOT AT 8:00 AT NIGHT. YOU KNOW.

YOU SHOOT AT 8:00 AT NIGHT. YOU KNOW. THE OLD KONG, HE'S A DRUNK.

YOU KNOW. THE OLD KONG, HE'S A DRUNK. PARTY APE. A REAL PARTY APE.

THE OLD KONG, HE'S A DRUNK. PARTY APE. A REAL PARTY APE. YOU KNOW...

PARTY APE. A REAL PARTY APE. YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW THE WHOLE THING WITH

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW THE WHOLE THING WITH THE OLD KONG AND JEAN HARLOW.

YOU KNOW THE WHOLE THING WITH THE OLD KONG AND JEAN HARLOW. NO, SIR, I DIDN'T.

THE OLD KONG AND JEAN HARLOW. NO, SIR, I DIDN'T. THEY USED TO GO OUT TOGETHER.

NO, SIR, I DIDN'T. THEY USED TO GO OUT TOGETHER. THEY WENT CRAZY.

THEY USED TO GO OUT TOGETHER. THEY WENT CRAZY. THEY WENT CRAZY.

THEY WENT CRAZY. THEY WENT CRAZY. HE COULDN'T GET UP IN THE

THEY WENT CRAZY. HE COULDN'T GET UP IN THE MORNING.

HE COULDN'T GET UP IN THE MORNING. HE USED TO MAKE LONG-DISTANCE

MORNING. HE USED TO MAKE LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS ALL OVER THE PLACE,

HE USED TO MAKE LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS ALL OVER THE PLACE, RAN UP THE BUDGET OF THE MOVIE.

PHONE CALLS ALL OVER THE PLACE, RAN UP THE BUDGET OF THE MOVIE. IT'S CRAZY.

RAN UP THE BUDGET OF THE MOVIE. IT'S CRAZY. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT LOSING

IT'S CRAZY. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT LOSING MONEY, THOUGH, MY MOVIE LOST

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT LOSING MONEY, THOUGH, MY MOVIE LOST $500 ON PHONE CALLS MADE BY THE

MONEY, THOUGH, MY MOVIE LOST $500 ON PHONE CALLS MADE BY THE CREW.

$500 ON PHONE CALLS MADE BY THE CREW. I SEE.

CREW. I SEE. SO, WHAT ABOUT ALL THE MONEY

I SEE. SO, WHAT ABOUT ALL THE MONEY SPENT ON ADVERTISING?

SO, WHAT ABOUT ALL THE MONEY SPENT ON ADVERTISING? THE BILLBOARDS AND SO ON DEPICT

SPENT ON ADVERTISING? THE BILLBOARDS AND SO ON DEPICT THE MONSTER CRUSHING JET PLANES,

THE BILLBOARDS AND SO ON DEPICT THE MONSTER CRUSHING JET PLANES, AND THERE'S NOT EVEN ONE JET

THE MONSTER CRUSHING JET PLANES, AND THERE'S NOT EVEN ONE JET PLANE IN THE MOVIE.

AND THERE'S NOT EVEN ONE JET PLANE IN THE MOVIE. ISN'T THIS A BIT OF A HYPE?

PLANE IN THE MOVIE. ISN'T THIS A BIT OF A HYPE? DEPENDS WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT

ISN'T THIS A BIT OF A HYPE? DEPENDS WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT HYPE.

DEPENDS WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT HYPE. YOU KNOW, YOU SEE "A STAR IS

HYPE. YOU KNOW, YOU SEE "A STAR IS BORN"?

YOU KNOW, YOU SEE "A STAR IS BORN"? NO, SIR, I DIDN'T.

BORN"? NO, SIR, I DIDN'T. NOW YOU TALK ABOUT HYPE.

NO, SIR, I DIDN'T. NOW YOU TALK ABOUT HYPE. YOU KNOW, BARBARA STREISAND

NOW YOU TALK ABOUT HYPE. YOU KNOW, BARBARA STREISAND WANTED TO PLAY THE FAY WRAY PART

YOU KNOW, BARBARA STREISAND WANTED TO PLAY THE FAY WRAY PART IN THE MOVIE?

WANTED TO PLAY THE FAY WRAY PART IN THE MOVIE? NO, SIR, I DID NOT.

IN THE MOVIE? NO, SIR, I DID NOT. THAT'S RIGHT.

NO, SIR, I DID NOT. THAT'S RIGHT. I TELL HER, "ONE MONSTER IN A

THAT'S RIGHT. I TELL HER, "ONE MONSTER IN A MOVIE IS ENOUGH."

I TELL HER, "ONE MONSTER IN A MOVIE IS ENOUGH." THAT'S RIGHT. I TELL HER THAT.

MOVIE IS ENOUGH." THAT'S RIGHT. I TELL HER THAT. AND YOU KNOW, I SEE HER.

THAT'S RIGHT. I TELL HER THAT. AND YOU KNOW, I SEE HER. I GO TO A PARTY ONE TIME WITH

AND YOU KNOW, I SEE HER. I GO TO A PARTY ONE TIME WITH THE PRODUCER, JON PETERS.

I GO TO A PARTY ONE TIME WITH THE PRODUCER, JON PETERS. JON PETERS MADE "A STAR IS

THE PRODUCER, JON PETERS. JON PETERS MADE "A STAR IS BORN."

JON PETERS MADE "A STAR IS BORN." AND HE SAYS TO ME, "DINO, I BET

BORN." AND HE SAYS TO ME, "DINO, I BET YOU THAT MY MOVIE IS GONNA GROSS

AND HE SAYS TO ME, "DINO, I BET YOU THAT MY MOVIE IS GONNA GROSS MORE MONEY THAN YOUR MOVIE,

YOU THAT MY MOVIE IS GONNA GROSS MORE MONEY THAN YOUR MOVIE, 'KING KONG.'"

MORE MONEY THAN YOUR MOVIE, 'KING KONG.'" NOW, I SAID, "MAYBE SO.

'KING KONG.'" NOW, I SAID, "MAYBE SO. YOUR MONKEY CAN SING."

NOW, I SAID, "MAYBE SO. YOUR MONKEY CAN SING." [LAUGHS]

YOUR MONKEY CAN SING." [LAUGHS] THAT'S GOOD JOKE. COME ON.

[LAUGHS] THAT'S GOOD JOKE. COME ON. TWO JOKES.

THAT'S GOOD JOKE. COME ON. TWO JOKES. MY WHOLE LIFE I TELL TWO JOKES.

TWO JOKES. MY WHOLE LIFE I TELL TWO JOKES. WE'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME

MY WHOLE LIFE I TELL TWO JOKES. WE'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME TONIGHT WITH...

WE'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME TONIGHT WITH... THAT IS IT.

TONIGHT WITH... THAT IS IT. ALL RIGHT.

THAT IS IT. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, SIR.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, SIR. WE'VE GOT TO MOVE ON.

THANK YOU, SIR. WE'VE GOT TO MOVE ON. OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE OWNER OF A

WE'VE GOT TO MOVE ON. OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE OWNER OF A MASSAGE PARLOR...

OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE OWNER OF A MASSAGE PARLOR... I MAKE "VALACHI PAPERS."

MASSAGE PARLOR... I MAKE "VALACHI PAPERS." YES, SIR.

I MAKE "VALACHI PAPERS." YES, SIR. NOBODY CRY WHEN JAWS DIE.

YES, SIR. NOBODY CRY WHEN JAWS DIE. NOBODY CARE WHEN JAWS DIE.

NOBODY CRY WHEN JAWS DIE. NOBODY CARE WHEN JAWS DIE. WHEN MY KONG DIE, EVERYBODY

NOBODY CARE WHEN JAWS DIE. WHEN MY KONG DIE, EVERYBODY CRIES.

WHEN MY KONG DIE, EVERYBODY CRIES. I CRY.

CRIES. I CRY. FISH DIE. NOTHING.

I CRY. FISH DIE. NOTHING. MY KONG HAS A FACE. NICE.

FISH DIE. NOTHING. MY KONG HAS A FACE. NICE. THANK YOU, SIR.

MY KONG HAS A FACE. NICE. THANK YOU, SIR. INTELLECTUALS, THEY CRY.

THANK YOU, SIR. INTELLECTUALS, THEY CRY. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

INTELLECTUALS, THEY CRY. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I SPENT $10 MILLION ON THAT

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I SPENT $10 MILLION ON THAT KONG.

I SPENT $10 MILLION ON THAT KONG. YOU KNOW THAT, TOM?

KONG. YOU KNOW THAT, TOM? $10 MILLION.

YOU KNOW THAT, TOM? $10 MILLION. YES, SIR.

$10 MILLION. YES, SIR. HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE?

YES, SIR. HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE? YOU DON'T MAKE THAT MUCH MONEY.

HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE? YOU DON'T MAKE THAT MUCH MONEY. $10 MILLION.

YOU DON'T MAKE THAT MUCH MONEY. $10 MILLION. SO, I'M GONNA BRING KONG BACK TO

$10 MILLION. SO, I'M GONNA BRING KONG BACK TO LIFE NEXT YEAR, CHRISTMASTIME.

SO, I'M GONNA BRING KONG BACK TO LIFE NEXT YEAR, CHRISTMASTIME. I'M GONNA BRING BACK KONG II,

LIFE NEXT YEAR, CHRISTMASTIME. I'M GONNA BRING BACK KONG II, KONG III.

I'M GONNA BRING BACK KONG II, KONG III. WE'RE GONNA HAVE HONG KONG KONG.

KONG III. WE'RE GONNA HAVE HONG KONG KONG. IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A BRUCE LEE

WE'RE GONNA HAVE HONG KONG KONG. IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A BRUCE LEE TYPE OF THING.

IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A BRUCE LEE TYPE OF THING. IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A MARTIAL

TYPE OF THING. IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A MARTIAL ARTS.

IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A MARTIAL ARTS. WE SENT OUR RESEARCHERS OUT

ARTS. WE SENT OUR RESEARCHERS OUT TO MASSAGE PARLORS IN

WE SENT OUR RESEARCHERS OUT TO MASSAGE PARLORS IN NEW YORK CITY, AND WE'RE GONNA

TO MASSAGE PARLORS IN NEW YORK CITY, AND WE'RE GONNA SET ONE UP IN THE STUDIO HERE

NEW YORK CITY, AND WE'RE GONNA SET ONE UP IN THE STUDIO HERE NEXT.

SET ONE UP IN THE STUDIO HERE NEXT. BRUCE McKAY'S DOING IT, AND, SO,

NEXT. BRUCE McKAY'S DOING IT, AND, SO, I WANT YOU TO TUNE IN FOR THAT.

BRUCE McKAY'S DOING IT, AND, SO, I WANT YOU TO TUNE IN FOR THAT. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

I WANT YOU TO TUNE IN FOR THAT. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND ALL THE REST OF US, NEXT, MY FRIEND, THE WONDERFUL CHUCK BERRY.

THE REST OF US, NEXT, MY FRIEND, THE WONDERFUL CHUCK BERRY. [INTRODUCTION TO

THE WONDERFUL CHUCK BERRY. [INTRODUCTION TO "JOHNNY B. GOODE" PLAYS]

♪ DEEP DOWN IN LOUISIANA CLOSE TO NEW ORLEANS ♪ ♪ WAY BACK UP IN THE WOODS AMONG

CLOSE TO NEW ORLEANS ♪ ♪ WAY BACK UP IN THE WOODS AMONG THE EVERGREENS ♪

♪ WAY BACK UP IN THE WOODS AMONG THE EVERGREENS ♪ ♪ THERE STOOD A LOG CABIN MADE

THE EVERGREENS ♪ ♪ THERE STOOD A LOG CABIN MADE OF EARTH AND WOOD ♪

♪ THERE STOOD A LOG CABIN MADE OF EARTH AND WOOD ♪ ♪ WHERE LIVED A COUNTRY BOY

OF EARTH AND WOOD ♪ ♪ WHERE LIVED A COUNTRY BOY NAMED JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪

♪ WHERE LIVED A COUNTRY BOY NAMED JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ ♪ WHO'D NEVER EVER LEARNED TO

NAMED JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ ♪ WHO'D NEVER EVER LEARNED TO READ OR WRITE SO WELL ♪

♪ WHO'D NEVER EVER LEARNED TO READ OR WRITE SO WELL ♪ ♪ BUT HE COULD PLAY A GUITAR

READ OR WRITE SO WELL ♪ ♪ BUT HE COULD PLAY A GUITAR JUST LIKE A RINGIN' A BELL ♪

♪ BUT HE COULD PLAY A GUITAR JUST LIKE A RINGIN' A BELL ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪

JUST LIKE A RINGIN' A BELL ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO, JOHNNY, GO! ♪

♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO, JOHNNY, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪

♪ GO, JOHNNY, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO, JOHNNY, GO! ♪

♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO, JOHNNY, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO, JOHNNY, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! GO! GO! GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! GO! GO! GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO, GO, GO! ♪

♪ GO! GO! GO! GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO, GO, GO! ♪ ♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪

♪ I SAID, GO, GO, GO! ♪ ♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ ♪ HE USED TO CARRY HIS GUITAR IN

♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ ♪ HE USED TO CARRY HIS GUITAR IN A GUNNY SACK ♪

♪ HE USED TO CARRY HIS GUITAR IN A GUNNY SACK ♪ ♪ GO SIT BENEATH THE TREE BY THE

A GUNNY SACK ♪ ♪ GO SIT BENEATH THE TREE BY THE RAILROAD TRACK ♪

♪ GO SIT BENEATH THE TREE BY THE RAILROAD TRACK ♪ ♪ OLD ENGINEERS WOULD SEE HIM

RAILROAD TRACK ♪ ♪ OLD ENGINEERS WOULD SEE HIM SITTIN' IN THE SHADE ♪

♪ OLD ENGINEERS WOULD SEE HIM SITTIN' IN THE SHADE ♪ ♪ STRUMMIN' WITH THE RHYTHM THAT

SITTIN' IN THE SHADE ♪ ♪ STRUMMIN' WITH THE RHYTHM THAT THE DRIVERS MADE ♪

♪ STRUMMIN' WITH THE RHYTHM THAT THE DRIVERS MADE ♪ ♪ THE PEOPLE PASSED HIM BY ♪

THE DRIVERS MADE ♪ ♪ THE PEOPLE PASSED HIM BY ♪ ♪ THEY WOULD STOP AND SAY,

♪ THE PEOPLE PASSED HIM BY ♪ ♪ THEY WOULD STOP AND SAY, "OH, MY" ♪

♪ THEY WOULD STOP AND SAY, "OH, MY" ♪ ♪ BUT THAT LITTLE COUNTRY BOY

"OH, MY" ♪ ♪ BUT THAT LITTLE COUNTRY BOY COULD PLAY ♪

♪ BUT THAT LITTLE COUNTRY BOY COULD PLAY ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪

COULD PLAY ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO, GO, GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO, GO, GO! ♪ ♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪

♪ I SAID, GO, GO, GO! ♪ ♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ LOOK OUT NOW. LET'S GET ONE.

♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ LOOK OUT NOW. LET'S GET ONE. [GUITAR SOLO]

LOOK OUT NOW. LET'S GET ONE. [GUITAR SOLO] [BAND PLAYS]

[GUITAR SOLO] [BAND PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [GUITAR SOLO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [GUITAR SOLO] [BAND PLAYS]

♪ YOU KNOW HIS MOTHER TOLD HIM, "SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE A MAN, AND YOU WILL BE THE LEADER OF A BIG

"SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE A MAN, AND YOU WILL BE THE LEADER OF A BIG OLD BAND" ♪

YOU WILL BE THE LEADER OF A BIG OLD BAND" ♪ ♪ "MANY PEOPLE COMIN' FROM MILES

OLD BAND" ♪ ♪ "MANY PEOPLE COMIN' FROM MILES AROUND TO HEAR YOU PLAY YOUR

♪ "MANY PEOPLE COMIN' FROM MILES AROUND TO HEAR YOU PLAY YOUR MUSIC WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN" ♪

AROUND TO HEAR YOU PLAY YOUR MUSIC WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN" ♪ ♪ MAYBE SOMEDAY YOUR NAME WILL

MUSIC WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN" ♪ ♪ MAYBE SOMEDAY YOUR NAME WILL BE IN LIGHTS, SAYIN'

♪ MAYBE SOMEDAY YOUR NAME WILL BE IN LIGHTS, SAYIN' 'JOHNNY B. GOODE TONIGHT'" ♪

BE IN LIGHTS, SAYIN' 'JOHNNY B. GOODE TONIGHT'" ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪

'JOHNNY B. GOODE TONIGHT'" ♪ ♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO! GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪

♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪

♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪

♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ I SAID, GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO, GO, GO! ♪

♪ GO! ♪ ♪ GO, GO, GO! ♪ ♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪

♪ GO, GO, GO! ♪ ♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ ♪ BA BA BA BA ♪

♪ JOHNNY B. GOODE ♪ ♪ BA BA BA BA ♪ [SONG CONCLUDES]

♪ BA BA BA BA ♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... SHARING A TOUCHING MOMENT FOR THE CAMERAS, A DEJECTED

SHARING A TOUCHING MOMENT FOR THE CAMERAS, A DEJECTED GERALD FORD WAS CONSOLED BY

THE CAMERAS, A DEJECTED GERALD FORD WAS CONSOLED BY BETTY FORD AS HE REVEALED HIS

GERALD FORD WAS CONSOLED BY BETTY FORD AS HE REVEALED HIS EMOTIONS ON HIS LAST DAY IN

BETTY FORD AS HE REVEALED HIS EMOTIONS ON HIS LAST DAY IN OFFICE.

EMOTIONS ON HIS LAST DAY IN OFFICE. A MOMENT LATER, AS THE PRESIDENT

OFFICE. A MOMENT LATER, AS THE PRESIDENT TURNED AWAY TO HIDE HIS TEARS,

A MOMENT LATER, AS THE PRESIDENT TURNED AWAY TO HIDE HIS TEARS, BETTY ONCE AGAIN DEMONSTRATED

TURNED AWAY TO HIDE HIS TEARS, BETTY ONCE AGAIN DEMONSTRATED HER SENSE OF HUMOR BY HAVING A

BETTY ONCE AGAIN DEMONSTRATED HER SENSE OF HUMOR BY HAVING A GOOD LAUGH BEHIND HIS BACK.

HER SENSE OF HUMOR BY HAVING A GOOD LAUGH BEHIND HIS BACK. WHILE AT THE INAUGURAL BALL

GOOD LAUGH BEHIND HIS BACK. WHILE AT THE INAUGURAL BALL THURSDAY NIGHT, IT WAS

WHILE AT THE INAUGURAL BALL THURSDAY NIGHT, IT WAS JIMMY CARTER WHO STOLE THE SHOW

THURSDAY NIGHT, IT WAS JIMMY CARTER WHO STOLE THE SHOW WHEN HE DID A VENTRILOQUIST ACT

JIMMY CARTER WHO STOLE THE SHOW WHEN HE DID A VENTRILOQUIST ACT WITH A DUMMY THAT LOOKED JUST

WHEN HE DID A VENTRILOQUIST ACT WITH A DUMMY THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE HIS DAUGHTER AMY.

WITH A DUMMY THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE HIS DAUGHTER AMY. AND NOW WITH MORE NEWS ABOUT

LIKE HIS DAUGHTER AMY. AND NOW WITH MORE NEWS ABOUT THE RECENT NEW ADMINISTRATION,

AND NOW WITH MORE NEWS ABOUT THE RECENT NEW ADMINISTRATION, HERE IS CORRESPONDENT

THE RECENT NEW ADMINISTRATION, HERE IS CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.

HERE IS CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN. LARAINE?

THANK YOU, JANE.

I'M TALKING WITH LILLIAN CARTER,

THE MOTHER OF OUR NEW PRESIDENT.

MISS LILLY, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE

THE NEW FIRST MOTHER?

OH, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL! IT TRULY IS. EVERYONE IS SO NICE TO ME,

IT TRULY IS. EVERYONE IS SO NICE TO ME, ESPECIALLY JIMMY.

EVERYONE IS SO NICE TO ME, ESPECIALLY JIMMY. YOU KNOW, WHEN HE WAS JUST A

ESPECIALLY JIMMY. YOU KNOW, WHEN HE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOY, I TOLD HIM,

YOU KNOW, WHEN HE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOY, I TOLD HIM, "JIMMY..." I ALWAYS CALLED HIM

LITTLE BOY, I TOLD HIM, "JIMMY..." I ALWAYS CALLED HIM JIMMY, EVER SINCE HE WAS A

"JIMMY..." I ALWAYS CALLED HIM JIMMY, EVER SINCE HE WAS A LITTLE BOY.

JIMMY, EVER SINCE HE WAS A LITTLE BOY. AND THAT IS WHY I WAS SO HAPPY

LITTLE BOY. AND THAT IS WHY I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN HE KEPT JIMMY.

AND THAT IS WHY I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN HE KEPT JIMMY. UH, YOU MEAN THAT WHEN HE

WHEN HE KEPT JIMMY. UH, YOU MEAN THAT WHEN HE TOOK THE OATH OF OFFICE AS

UH, YOU MEAN THAT WHEN HE TOOK THE OATH OF OFFICE AS JIMMY CARTER INSTEAD OF

TOOK THE OATH OF OFFICE AS JIMMY CARTER INSTEAD OF JAMES EARL CARTER, YOU WERE GLAD

JIMMY CARTER INSTEAD OF JAMES EARL CARTER, YOU WERE GLAD ABOUT THAT?

JAMES EARL CARTER, YOU WERE GLAD ABOUT THAT? THAT'S RIGHT.

ABOUT THAT? THAT'S RIGHT. AND, LIKE I WAS SAYING, WHEN

THAT'S RIGHT. AND, LIKE I WAS SAYING, WHEN JIMMY WAS A LITTLE BOY, I SAID

AND, LIKE I WAS SAYING, WHEN JIMMY WAS A LITTLE BOY, I SAID TO HIM, "JIMMY, DON'T YOU EVER

JIMMY WAS A LITTLE BOY, I SAID TO HIM, "JIMMY, DON'T YOU EVER TELL A LIE?"

TO HIM, "JIMMY, DON'T YOU EVER TELL A LIE?" AND, YOU KNOW WHAT, HE JUST

TELL A LIE?" AND, YOU KNOW WHAT, HE JUST LOOKED UP AT ME, AND HE SAID,

AND, YOU KNOW WHAT, HE JUST LOOKED UP AT ME, AND HE SAID, "MAMA, I WON'T EVER TELL A LIE."

LOOKED UP AT ME, AND HE SAID, "MAMA, I WON'T EVER TELL A LIE." WELL, WHEN DID YOU THINK YOUR

"MAMA, I WON'T EVER TELL A LIE." WELL, WHEN DID YOU THINK YOUR SON MIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT?

WELL, WHEN DID YOU THINK YOUR SON MIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT? IT WAS AT THAT VERY MOMENT.

SON MIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT? IT WAS AT THAT VERY MOMENT. I SAID TO MYSELF, "LILLY..."

IT WAS AT THAT VERY MOMENT. I SAID TO MYSELF, "LILLY..." UH, I NEVER CALL MYSELF

I SAID TO MYSELF, "LILLY..." UH, I NEVER CALL MYSELF MISS LILLY, YOU KNOW.

UH, I NEVER CALL MYSELF MISS LILLY, YOU KNOW. I SAID TO MYSELF, "LILLY, IF HE

MISS LILLY, YOU KNOW. I SAID TO MYSELF, "LILLY, IF HE CAN SELL THAT CRAP TO HIS OWN

I SAID TO MYSELF, "LILLY, IF HE CAN SELL THAT CRAP TO HIS OWN MOTHER, HE CAN MAKE EVERYBODY

CAN SELL THAT CRAP TO HIS OWN MOTHER, HE CAN MAKE EVERYBODY BELIEVE IT."

MOTHER, HE CAN MAKE EVERYBODY BELIEVE IT." BACK TO YOU, JANE.

BELIEVE IT." BACK TO YOU, JANE. THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF

BACK TO YOU, JANE. THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF PLAINS, GEORGIA, SPENT THE NIGHT

THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF PLAINS, GEORGIA, SPENT THE NIGHT AFTER THE INAUGURATION IN THE

PLAINS, GEORGIA, SPENT THE NIGHT AFTER THE INAUGURATION IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM IN THE

AFTER THE INAUGURATION IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

LINCOLN BEDROOM IN THE WHITE HOUSE. IT IS REPORTED THAT THEY ALL

WHITE HOUSE. IT IS REPORTED THAT THEY ALL SLEPT IN THE FAMOUS LINCOLN BED,

IT IS REPORTED THAT THEY ALL SLEPT IN THE FAMOUS LINCOLN BED, EXCEPT BILLY CARTER WHO SLEPT

SLEPT IN THE FAMOUS LINCOLN BED, EXCEPT BILLY CARTER WHO SLEPT UNDER IT.

EXCEPT BILLY CARTER WHO SLEPT UNDER IT. REACTING TO THE EXPERIENCE,

UNDER IT. REACTING TO THE EXPERIENCE, BILLY REPORTEDLY COMMENTED,

REACTING TO THE EXPERIENCE, BILLY REPORTEDLY COMMENTED, QUOTE [BELCHES] END QUOTE.

BILLY REPORTEDLY COMMENTED, QUOTE [BELCHES] END QUOTE. TRAGEDY THIS WEEK WHEN TWO

QUOTE [BELCHES] END QUOTE. TRAGEDY THIS WEEK WHEN TWO MASKED MEN WIELDING SHOTGUNS

TRAGEDY THIS WEEK WHEN TWO MASKED MEN WIELDING SHOTGUNS ENTERED A NEW YORK LUNCHEONETTE,

MASKED MEN WIELDING SHOTGUNS ENTERED A NEW YORK LUNCHEONETTE, MADE THE PROPRIETOR AND

ENTERED A NEW YORK LUNCHEONETTE, MADE THE PROPRIETOR AND CUSTOMERS STRIP NAKED AND LIE

MADE THE PROPRIETOR AND CUSTOMERS STRIP NAKED AND LIE FACEDOWN ON THE FLOOR, KILLED AN

CUSTOMERS STRIP NAKED AND LIE FACEDOWN ON THE FLOOR, KILLED AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER AND MADE OFF

FACEDOWN ON THE FLOOR, KILLED AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER AND MADE OFF WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE THAT HAD

INNOCENT BYSTANDER AND MADE OFF WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE THAT HAD A STREET VALUE OF $6,000.

WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE THAT HAD A STREET VALUE OF $6,000. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

A STREET VALUE OF $6,000. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS. PRIME MINISTER INDIRA GANDHI

DEVELOPS. PRIME MINISTER INDIRA GANDHI ANNOUNCED THAT INDIA'S

PRIME MINISTER INDIRA GANDHI ANNOUNCED THAT INDIA'S LONG-AWAITED GENERAL ELECTIONS

ANNOUNCED THAT INDIA'S LONG-AWAITED GENERAL ELECTIONS WILL BE HELD IN MARCH.

LONG-AWAITED GENERAL ELECTIONS WILL BE HELD IN MARCH. THE PRIME MINISTER, WHO

WILL BE HELD IN MARCH. THE PRIME MINISTER, WHO DESPOTICALLY IMPOSED PRESS AND

THE PRIME MINISTER, WHO DESPOTICALLY IMPOSED PRESS AND DOMESTIC CENSORSHIP ON HER

DESPOTICALLY IMPOSED PRESS AND DOMESTIC CENSORSHIP ON HER PEOPLE, FEELS THAT THIS IS

DOMESTIC CENSORSHIP ON HER PEOPLE, FEELS THAT THIS IS IMPORTANT TO A DEMOCRACY AND

PEOPLE, FEELS THAT THIS IS IMPORTANT TO A DEMOCRACY AND THAT THE ELECTIONS IN MARCH WILL

IMPORTANT TO A DEMOCRACY AND THAT THE ELECTIONS IN MARCH WILL MARK A DAWN OF A NEW DEMOCRATIC

THAT THE ELECTIONS IN MARCH WILL MARK A DAWN OF A NEW DEMOCRATIC ERA FOR INDIA.

MARK A DAWN OF A NEW DEMOCRATIC ERA FOR INDIA. OH, THIS BULLETIN JUST IN.

ERA FOR INDIA. OH, THIS BULLETIN JUST IN. PRIME MINISTER INDIRA GANDHI HAS

OH, THIS BULLETIN JUST IN. PRIME MINISTER INDIRA GANDHI HAS JUST ANNOUNCED... THAT SHE HAS

PRIME MINISTER INDIRA GANDHI HAS JUST ANNOUNCED... THAT SHE HAS WON THE GENERAL ELECTION TO BE

JUST ANNOUNCED... THAT SHE HAS WON THE GENERAL ELECTION TO BE HELD NEXT MARCH.

WON THE GENERAL ELECTION TO BE HELD NEXT MARCH. STILL TO COME, ZERO MOSTEL BLOWS

HELD NEXT MARCH. STILL TO COME, ZERO MOSTEL BLOWS JACK GILFORD'S NOSE AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME, ZERO MOSTEL BLOWS JACK GILFORD'S NOSE AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

CRAZY ERNIE! BOY, IS ERNIE CRAZY! HE'S BEEN AT IT AGAIN, FOLKS,

BOY, IS ERNIE CRAZY! HE'S BEEN AT IT AGAIN, FOLKS, SLASHING PRICES SO LOW YOU WON'T

HE'S BEEN AT IT AGAIN, FOLKS, SLASHING PRICES SO LOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.

SLASHING PRICES SO LOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT. SHOP AROUND THEN COME SEE FOR

BELIEVE IT. SHOP AROUND THEN COME SEE FOR YOURSELF.

SHOP AROUND THEN COME SEE FOR YOURSELF. CRAZY ERNIE WILL NOT BE

YOURSELF. CRAZY ERNIE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD.

CRAZY ERNIE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD. FOR THE BEST BARGAINS IN STEREO

UNDERSOLD. FOR THE BEST BARGAINS IN STEREO EQUIPMENT, TVs, RADIOS,

FOR THE BEST BARGAINS IN STEREO EQUIPMENT, TVs, RADIOS, CRAZY ERNIE IS YOUR MAN.

EQUIPMENT, TVs, RADIOS, CRAZY ERNIE IS YOUR MAN. HE'S GOT IT ALL... COAX, WITH

CRAZY ERNIE IS YOUR MAN. HE'S GOT IT ALL... COAX, WITH CUSTOM HEADPHONES, BETAMAX

HE'S GOT IT ALL... COAX, WITH CUSTOM HEADPHONES, BETAMAX CHROME CLASSIC CASSETTE DECKS,

CUSTOM HEADPHONES, BETAMAX CHROME CLASSIC CASSETTE DECKS, JAWS TRIPLE-X FLOOR-STANDING

CHROME CLASSIC CASSETTE DECKS, JAWS TRIPLE-X FLOOR-STANDING SPEAKERS AND LOTS, LOTS MORE!

CRAZY ERNIE... HIS PRICES ARE

INSANE!

HIS PRICES ARE INSANE BECAUSE

CRAZY ERNIE IS REALLY CRAZY.

AND I DON'T MEAN CRAZY PRICES

CRAZY.

I'M TALKING CRAZY "NOT PLAYING

WITH A FULL DECK" CRAZY.

I MEAN REALLY CRAZY.

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS TURNTABLE WITH FACE-LOCK

CIRCUITRY AND DIRECTOR MOTOR

DRIVE... $900 MARKED DOWN TO

$12!

AND THIS BRAND-NEW TELEVISION

SET NOW YOURS FOR 52 CENTS.

AND WHY IS CRAZY ERNIE SLASHING

PRICES SO LOW?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT CRAZY ERNIE'S

STORE!

In fact, he's not even

Crazy Ernie.

He's Crazy Frank, Crazy Ernie's

cousin.

You see, last Tuesday, the real

Crazy Ernie, whose store this

really is, ran off to the

Bahamas with Crazy Frank's girl.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DON'T

LIKE BEING LEFT ALONE WITH HIM.

IF I HAD A SHOVEL OR SOMETHING

TO STUN HIM WITH, YOU KNOW?

YOU'D BE CRAZY NOT TO TAKE

ADVANTAGE OF THESE BARGAINS.

CASH IN ON THIS.

CRAZY FRANK WANTS TO UNLOAD ALL

THIS STUFF BY NEXT TUESDAY WHEN

THE REAL CRAZY ERNIE GETS BACK

FROM THE BAHAMAS.

CRAZY FRANK... HIS PRICES ARE

INSANE!

WELL, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, BUT "WEEKEND UPDATE" WOULD LIKE TO CORRECT A MISTAKE

OFTEN, BUT "WEEKEND UPDATE" WOULD LIKE TO CORRECT A MISTAKE MADE IN ONE OF OUR NEWS ITEMS

WOULD LIKE TO CORRECT A MISTAKE MADE IN ONE OF OUR NEWS ITEMS LAST WEEK.

MADE IN ONE OF OUR NEWS ITEMS LAST WEEK. IN A PROFILE OF

LAST WEEK. IN A PROFILE OF GENERAL WILLIAM C. WESTMORELAND,

IN A PROFILE OF GENERAL WILLIAM C. WESTMORELAND, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT

GENERAL WILLIAM C. WESTMORELAND, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT HE IS A MEMBER OF THE MANSON

WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT HE IS A MEMBER OF THE MANSON FAMILY.

HE IS A MEMBER OF THE MANSON FAMILY. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED.

FAMILY. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S

WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL REPLY IS CORRESPONDENT

AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL REPLY IS CORRESPONDENT EMILY LITELLA.

EDITORIAL REPLY IS CORRESPONDENT EMILY LITELLA. HI. THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

EMILY LITELLA. HI. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JANE.

HI. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JANE. WHAT BRILLIANT TOPIC ARE YOU

JANE. WHAT BRILLIANT TOPIC ARE YOU GOING TO COMMENT ON TONIGHT,

WHAT BRILLIANT TOPIC ARE YOU GOING TO COMMENT ON TONIGHT, EMILY?

GOING TO COMMENT ON TONIGHT, EMILY? NOTHING.

EMILY? NOTHING. EXCUSE ME?

NOTHING. EXCUSE ME? WELL, I COULDN'T THINK OF

EXCUSE ME? WELL, I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY THIS WEEK.

WELL, I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY THIS WEEK. I MEAN, NOTHING GOT MY GOAT.

ANYTHING TO SAY THIS WEEK. I MEAN, NOTHING GOT MY GOAT. MISS LITELLA, LET'S GET

I MEAN, NOTHING GOT MY GOAT. MISS LITELLA, LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.

MISS LITELLA, LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT. BEING A NEWSCASTER GOES BEYOND

SOMETHING STRAIGHT. BEING A NEWSCASTER GOES BEYOND PERSONAL FEELINGS.

BEING A NEWSCASTER GOES BEYOND PERSONAL FEELINGS. YOU HAVE A JOURNALISTIC

PERSONAL FEELINGS. YOU HAVE A JOURNALISTIC RESPONSIBILITY TO THIS STATION

YOU HAVE A JOURNALISTIC RESPONSIBILITY TO THIS STATION AND TO THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH IT.

RESPONSIBILITY TO THIS STATION AND TO THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH IT. WELL, UH, MISS CURTIN, IN MY

AND TO THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH IT. WELL, UH, MISS CURTIN, IN MY OPINION, THERE'S VERY LITTLE

WELL, UH, MISS CURTIN, IN MY OPINION, THERE'S VERY LITTLE HAPPENING.

OPINION, THERE'S VERY LITTLE HAPPENING. JUST PICK UP A NEWSPAPER!

HAPPENING. JUST PICK UP A NEWSPAPER! FRANCE JUST GOT RID OF A

JUST PICK UP A NEWSPAPER! FRANCE JUST GOT RID OF A TERRORIST.

FRANCE JUST GOT RID OF A TERRORIST. WE JUST HAD ELECTIONS.

TERRORIST. WE JUST HAD ELECTIONS. I WAS JUST...

WE JUST HAD ELECTIONS. I WAS JUST... YOU'RE VERY IRRESPONSIBLE,

I WAS JUST... YOU'RE VERY IRRESPONSIBLE, MISS LITELLA, AND, AS A MATTER

YOU'RE VERY IRRESPONSIBLE, MISS LITELLA, AND, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF IT WERE UP TO ME,

MISS LITELLA, AND, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF IT WERE UP TO ME, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THIS JOB RIGHT

OF FACT, IF IT WERE UP TO ME, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THIS JOB RIGHT NOW.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THIS JOB RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE NOT FIT TO BE A

NOW. YOU'RE NOT FIT TO BE A NEWSCASTER.

YOU'RE NOT FIT TO BE A NEWSCASTER. OH, DEAR, WELL, THERE'S NO

NEWSCASTER. OH, DEAR, WELL, THERE'S NO REASON TO BE SO UPSET.

OH, DEAR, WELL, THERE'S NO REASON TO BE SO UPSET. I MEAN, YOU SEEM VERY CRANKY

REASON TO BE SO UPSET. I MEAN, YOU SEEM VERY CRANKY TONIGHT.

I MEAN, YOU SEEM VERY CRANKY TONIGHT. IS IT THAT TIME, DEAR?

TONIGHT. IS IT THAT TIME, DEAR? NO, IT IS NOT.

IS IT THAT TIME, DEAR? NO, IT IS NOT. AND IF IT WAS, IT WOULD BE NONE

NO, IT IS NOT. AND IF IT WAS, IT WOULD BE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, ANYWAY.

AND IF IT WAS, IT WOULD BE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, ANYWAY. MISS LITELLA, I THINK WE'VE

OF YOUR BUSINESS, ANYWAY. MISS LITELLA, I THINK WE'VE SPENT ENOUGH AIRTIME WITH THIS

MISS LITELLA, I THINK WE'VE SPENT ENOUGH AIRTIME WITH THIS ISSUE, AND I JUST THINK THAT YOU

SPENT ENOUGH AIRTIME WITH THIS ISSUE, AND I JUST THINK THAT YOU SHOULD, FROM NOW ON, TRY TO DO

ISSUE, AND I JUST THINK THAT YOU SHOULD, FROM NOW ON, TRY TO DO YOUR BEST, OKAY?

SHOULD, FROM NOW ON, TRY TO DO YOUR BEST, OKAY? OH, YES, DEAR, I'M VERY, VERY

YOUR BEST, OKAY? OH, YES, DEAR, I'M VERY, VERY SORRY, AND I PROMISE FROM NOW ON

OH, YES, DEAR, I'M VERY, VERY SORRY, AND I PROMISE FROM NOW ON I WILL DO MY BEST.

SORRY, AND I PROMISE FROM NOW ON I WILL DO MY BEST. SEE THAT YOU DO.

I WILL DO MY BEST. SEE THAT YOU DO. BITCH.

SEE THAT YOU DO. BITCH. WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.

BITCH. WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

AND NOW, LIKE, HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. IT'S ABOUT A GIRL I USED TO

WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. IT'S ABOUT A GIRL I USED TO KNOW.

IT'S ABOUT A GIRL I USED TO KNOW. YOU KNOW... WELL... I... WHEN I

KNOW. YOU KNOW... WELL... I... WHEN I MET HER, UM... WHEN YOU...

♪ I WAS A LITTLE TOO TALL ♪ ♪ COULD'VE USED A FEW POUNDS ♪ ♪ TIGHT PANTS POINTS HARDLY

♪ COULD'VE USED A FEW POUNDS ♪ ♪ TIGHT PANTS POINTS HARDLY REKNOWN ♪

♪ TIGHT PANTS POINTS HARDLY REKNOWN ♪ ♪ SHE WAS A BLACK-HAIRED BEAUTY

REKNOWN ♪ ♪ SHE WAS A BLACK-HAIRED BEAUTY WITH BIG DARK EYES ♪

♪ SHE WAS A BLACK-HAIRED BEAUTY WITH BIG DARK EYES ♪ ♪ AND POINTS ALL HER OWN SITTING

WITH BIG DARK EYES ♪ ♪ AND POINTS ALL HER OWN SITTING WAY UP HIGH ♪

♪ AND POINTS ALL HER OWN SITTING WAY UP HIGH ♪ ♪ WAY UP FIRM AND HIGH ♪

WAY UP HIGH ♪ ♪ WAY UP FIRM AND HIGH ♪ ♪ OUT PAST THE CORNFIELDS WHERE

♪ WAY UP FIRM AND HIGH ♪ ♪ OUT PAST THE CORNFIELDS WHERE THE WOODS GOT HEAVY ♪

♪ OUT PAST THE CORNFIELDS WHERE THE WOODS GOT HEAVY ♪ ♪ OUT IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY '60

THE WOODS GOT HEAVY ♪ ♪ OUT IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY '60 CHEVY ♪

♪ OUT IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY '60 CHEVY ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON MYSTERIES WITHOUT

CHEVY ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON MYSTERIES WITHOUT ANY CLUES ♪

♪ WORKIN' ON MYSTERIES WITHOUT ANY CLUES ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪

ANY CLUES ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME FRONT-PAGE

♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME FRONT-PAGE DRIVE-IN NEWS ♪

♪ TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME FRONT-PAGE DRIVE-IN NEWS ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪

DRIVE-IN NEWS ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

♪ IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ IN THE SWEET SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ IN THE SWEET SUMMERTIME ♪ ♪ WE WEREN'T IN LOVE ♪

♪ IN THE SWEET SUMMERTIME ♪ ♪ WE WEREN'T IN LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, NO, FAR FROM IT ♪

♪ WE WEREN'T IN LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, NO, FAR FROM IT ♪ ♪ WE WEREN'T SEARCHIN' FOR SOME

♪ OH, NO, FAR FROM IT ♪ ♪ WE WEREN'T SEARCHIN' FOR SOME PIE-IN-THE-SKY SUMMIT ♪

♪ WE WEREN'T SEARCHIN' FOR SOME PIE-IN-THE-SKY SUMMIT ♪ ♪ WE WERE JUST YOUNG AND

PIE-IN-THE-SKY SUMMIT ♪ ♪ WE WERE JUST YOUNG AND RESTLESS AND BORED ♪

♪ WE WERE JUST YOUNG AND RESTLESS AND BORED ♪ ♪ LIVIN' BY THE SWORD ♪

RESTLESS AND BORED ♪ ♪ LIVIN' BY THE SWORD ♪ ♪ AND WE'D STEAL AWAY EVERY

♪ LIVIN' BY THE SWORD ♪ ♪ AND WE'D STEAL AWAY EVERY CHANCE WE COULD ♪

♪ AND WE'D STEAL AWAY EVERY CHANCE WE COULD ♪ ♪ TO THE BACK ROOM, TO THE ALLEY

CHANCE WE COULD ♪ ♪ TO THE BACK ROOM, TO THE ALLEY OR THE TRUSTY WOODS ♪

♪ TO THE BACK ROOM, TO THE ALLEY OR THE TRUSTY WOODS ♪ ♪ I USED HER, SHE USED ME,

OR THE TRUSTY WOODS ♪ ♪ I USED HER, SHE USED ME, BUT NEITHER ONE CARED ♪

♪ I USED HER, SHE USED ME, BUT NEITHER ONE CARED ♪ ♪ WE WERE GETTIN' OUR SHARE ♪

BUT NEITHER ONE CARED ♪ ♪ WE WERE GETTIN' OUR SHARE ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ WE WERE GETTIN' OUR SHARE ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ TRYIN' TO LOSE THE AWKWARD

♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ TRYIN' TO LOSE THE AWKWARD TEENAGE BLUES ♪

♪ TRYIN' TO LOSE THE AWKWARD TEENAGE BLUES ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪

TEENAGE BLUES ♪ ♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

♪ WORKIN' ON OUR NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ AND IT WAS SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ AND IT WAS SUMMERTIME ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

♪ AND IT WAS SUMMERTIME ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ SWEET SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ SWEET SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ WORKIN' AND PRACTICIN', OH,

♪ NIGHT MOVES ♪ ♪ WORKIN' AND PRACTICIN', OH, THE NIGHT MOVES ♪

HI. I'M CAPTAIN JOE PALANTINE OF THE GERIATRIC DIVISION OF A BIG POLICE DEPARTMENT IN A BIG

OF THE GERIATRIC DIVISION OF A BIG POLICE DEPARTMENT IN A BIG CITY.

BIG POLICE DEPARTMENT IN A BIG CITY. LET'S JUST CALL IT ANYTOWN,

CITY. LET'S JUST CALL IT ANYTOWN, U.S.A.

LET'S JUST CALL IT ANYTOWN, U.S.A. EVERY DAY IN THE ANYTOWN BUS

U.S.A. EVERY DAY IN THE ANYTOWN BUS STATION, HUNDREDS OF FEMALE

EVERY DAY IN THE ANYTOWN BUS STATION, HUNDREDS OF FEMALE RUNAWAYS ARRIVE, LOOKING FOR

STATION, HUNDREDS OF FEMALE RUNAWAYS ARRIVE, LOOKING FOR ADVENTURE, EXCITEMENT, AND

RUNAWAYS ARRIVE, LOOKING FOR ADVENTURE, EXCITEMENT, AND GLAMOUR IN THE BIG CITY.

ADVENTURE, EXCITEMENT, AND GLAMOUR IN THE BIG CITY. INSTEAD, THEY FALL INTO THE

GLAMOUR IN THE BIG CITY. INSTEAD, THEY FALL INTO THE MURKY WEB OF STREET HUSTLING,

INSTEAD, THEY FALL INTO THE MURKY WEB OF STREET HUSTLING, TURNING TRICKS WITH JOHNS TO

MURKY WEB OF STREET HUSTLING, TURNING TRICKS WITH JOHNS TO SUPPORT THEIR PIMPS.

TURNING TRICKS WITH JOHNS TO SUPPORT THEIR PIMPS. NOT VERY PRETTY WORDS, ARE THEY?

SUPPORT THEIR PIMPS. NOT VERY PRETTY WORDS, ARE THEY? SHOCKING AS IT MAY SEEM, A

NOT VERY PRETTY WORDS, ARE THEY? SHOCKING AS IT MAY SEEM, A STEADILY INCREASING NUMBER OF

SHOCKING AS IT MAY SEEM, A STEADILY INCREASING NUMBER OF THESE RUNAWAYS ARE AGED 65 AND

STEADILY INCREASING NUMBER OF THESE RUNAWAYS ARE AGED 65 AND OVER.

THESE RUNAWAYS ARE AGED 65 AND OVER. ONCE THEY'VE TURNED A TRICK WITH

OVER. ONCE THEY'VE TURNED A TRICK WITH THEIR FIRST JOHN FOR THEIR PIMP,

ONCE THEY'VE TURNED A TRICK WITH THEIR FIRST JOHN FOR THEIR PIMP, THEY SELDOM RETURN TO THE

THEIR FIRST JOHN FOR THEIR PIMP, THEY SELDOM RETURN TO THE NURSING HOMES AND SENIOR CITIZEN

THEY SELDOM RETURN TO THE NURSING HOMES AND SENIOR CITIZEN RETIREMENT VILLAGES FROM WHERE

NURSING HOMES AND SENIOR CITIZEN RETIREMENT VILLAGES FROM WHERE THEY CAME.

RETIREMENT VILLAGES FROM WHERE THEY CAME. WE ARREST THEM.

THEY CAME. WE ARREST THEM. THEY BAIL THEIR WAY OUT WITH

WE ARREST THEM. THEY BAIL THEIR WAY OUT WITH SOCIAL SECURITY AND OLD-AGE

THEY BAIL THEIR WAY OUT WITH SOCIAL SECURITY AND OLD-AGE PENSION CHECKS.

SOCIAL SECURITY AND OLD-AGE PENSION CHECKS. AND THERE THEY ARE, BACK ON THE

PENSION CHECKS. AND THERE THEY ARE, BACK ON THE STREET, HUSTLING, TURNING TRICKS

AND THERE THEY ARE, BACK ON THE STREET, HUSTLING, TURNING TRICKS WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS.

STREET, HUSTLING, TURNING TRICKS WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS. THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF THE

WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS. THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF THE LITTLE OLD LADIES OF THE NIGHT.

NOW, Y'ALL BETTER SHAPE UP, NOW. YOU GOT TO STABILIZE MY INCOME.

NOW. YOU GOT TO STABILIZE MY INCOME. YOU KNOW, MY WARDROBE IS

YOU GOT TO STABILIZE MY INCOME. YOU KNOW, MY WARDROBE IS FLUCTUATING.

UM... UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT ARE YOU THE MANAGER OF THIS BUS STATION?

ARE YOU THE MANAGER OF THIS BUS STATION? OOH, I SMELL CHICKEN.

STATION? OOH, I SMELL CHICKEN. HELLO, FOX!

OOH, I SMELL CHICKEN. HELLO, FOX! YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, BABY...

HELLO, FOX! YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, BABY... LOOKING GOOD.

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, BABY... LOOKING GOOD. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND

LOOKING GOOD. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND SOMETHING TO EAT AND A PLACE TO

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND SOMETHING TO EAT AND A PLACE TO STAY FOR 21 CENTS?

SOMETHING TO EAT AND A PLACE TO STAY FOR 21 CENTS? OH, WHY, YOU ARE WELCOME IN

STAY FOR 21 CENTS? OH, WHY, YOU ARE WELCOME IN MY HOME, BABY.

OH, WHY, YOU ARE WELCOME IN MY HOME, BABY. I'M SNOW. YEAH.

MY HOME, BABY. I'M SNOW. YEAH. YEAH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS

I'M SNOW. YEAH. YEAH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WHATEVER SNOW TELLS YOU TO DO...

YEAH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WHATEVER SNOW TELLS YOU TO DO... 30 OR 40 TIMES A NIGHT.

WHATEVER SNOW TELLS YOU TO DO... 30 OR 40 TIMES A NIGHT. AND THEN GIVE WHATEVER MONEY YOU

30 OR 40 TIMES A NIGHT. AND THEN GIVE WHATEVER MONEY YOU MAKE FOR DOING IT TO SNOW.

AND THEN GIVE WHATEVER MONEY YOU MAKE FOR DOING IT TO SNOW. YEAH, AND CLEAN OUT THE GLOVE

MAKE FOR DOING IT TO SNOW. YEAH, AND CLEAN OUT THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT OF SNOW'S CADDY

YEAH, AND CLEAN OUT THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT OF SNOW'S CADDY THREE TIMES A WEEK.

COMPARTMENT OF SNOW'S CADDY THREE TIMES A WEEK. WITH YOUR TONGUE.

THREE TIMES A WEEK. WITH YOUR TONGUE. WELL, I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO

WITH YOUR TONGUE. WELL, I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO PITCH IN AND DO A FEW CHORES.

WELL, I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO PITCH IN AND DO A FEW CHORES. WELL, BABY, I AM SURE THAT

PITCH IN AND DO A FEW CHORES. WELL, BABY, I AM SURE THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE ONE OF MY MAIN

WELL, BABY, I AM SURE THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE ONE OF MY MAIN BREADWINNERS FOR MANY, MANY,

YOU'RE GONNA BE ONE OF MY MAIN BREADWINNERS FOR MANY, MANY, MANY...

BREADWINNERS FOR MANY, MANY, MANY... MONTHS.

MANY... MONTHS. UH, I'M GONNA, UH... GO.

MONTHS. UH, I'M GONNA, UH... GO. YOU'RE WELCOME HERE TO SNOW'S

UH, I'M GONNA, UH... GO. YOU'RE WELCOME HERE TO SNOW'S STABLE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE WELCOME HERE TO SNOW'S STABLE, ALL RIGHT? I'LL SEE YOU LATER, SNOW.

STABLE, ALL RIGHT? I'LL SEE YOU LATER, SNOW. BYE-BYE.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, SNOW. BYE-BYE. SO LONG.

BYE-BYE. SO LONG. HEY, HONEY, YOU WANT SOME

SO LONG. HEY, HONEY, YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?

HEY, HONEY, YOU WANT SOME COFFEE? UH, TEA, PLEASE.

COFFEE? UH, TEA, PLEASE. OKAY, LISTEN UP... ROCKET TO

UH, TEA, PLEASE. OKAY, LISTEN UP... ROCKET TO THE MOON... $25.

OKAY, LISTEN UP... ROCKET TO THE MOON... $25. WALKING THE DOG... $15.

THE MOON... $25. WALKING THE DOG... $15. AND JUST TO POP THE WEASEL... A

WALKING THE DOG... $15. AND JUST TO POP THE WEASEL... A DIME.

AND JUST TO POP THE WEASEL... A DIME. HEY, HONEY, CHECK OUT MY

DIME. HEY, HONEY, CHECK OUT MY APPROACH.

HEY, HONEY, CHECK OUT MY APPROACH. HEY, HONEY, WANT TO GO TO A

APPROACH. HEY, HONEY, WANT TO GO TO A PARTY?

HEY, HONEY, WANT TO GO TO A PARTY? SURE. WHERE?

PARTY? SURE. WHERE? OUTSIDE, BEHIND THAT ROW OF

SURE. WHERE? OUTSIDE, BEHIND THAT ROW OF LOCKERS.

OUTSIDE, BEHIND THAT ROW OF LOCKERS. COME ON. SHAKE IT, HONEY.

LOCKERS. COME ON. SHAKE IT, HONEY. OKAY, WE'LL BE BACK IN FOUR

COME ON. SHAKE IT, HONEY. OKAY, WE'LL BE BACK IN FOUR MINUTES.

OKAY, WE'LL BE BACK IN FOUR MINUTES. GET TO WORK.

MINUTES. GET TO WORK. SNOW NEEDS A NEW WARDROBE.

GET TO WORK. SNOW NEEDS A NEW WARDROBE. UH...

SNOW NEEDS A NEW WARDROBE. UH... THIS TYPE OF COME-ON OR TOUCH

UH... THIS TYPE OF COME-ON OR TOUCH OR PROCUREMENT TAKES PLACE

THIS TYPE OF COME-ON OR TOUCH OR PROCUREMENT TAKES PLACE THOUSANDS OF TIMES A DAY, AND

OR PROCUREMENT TAKES PLACE THOUSANDS OF TIMES A DAY, AND IT'S A 24-HOUR TRADE.

THOUSANDS OF TIMES A DAY, AND IT'S A 24-HOUR TRADE. STREET HUSTLERS TURNING TRICKS

IT'S A 24-HOUR TRADE. STREET HUSTLERS TURNING TRICKS WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS!

STREET HUSTLERS TURNING TRICKS WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS! UM... HI, SONNY.

WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS! UM... HI, SONNY. WANT TO GO TO A PARTY?

UM... HI, SONNY. WANT TO GO TO A PARTY? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR

WANT TO GO TO A PARTY? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR SOLICITING.

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR SOLICITING. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, JOE.

SOLICITING. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, JOE. TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT HER.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, JOE. TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT HER. I KNOW. SHE'S OVERAGE.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT HER. I KNOW. SHE'S OVERAGE. WE GOT TO BOOK HER ANYWAY.

I KNOW. SHE'S OVERAGE. WE GOT TO BOOK HER ANYWAY. OH, PLEASE DON'T ARREST ME.

WE GOT TO BOOK HER ANYWAY. OH, PLEASE DON'T ARREST ME. THE OTHER GIRLS WILL BE BACK

OH, PLEASE DON'T ARREST ME. THE OTHER GIRLS WILL BE BACK SOON, AND WE CAN ALL GO HAVE A

THE OTHER GIRLS WILL BE BACK SOON, AND WE CAN ALL GO HAVE A PARTY BEHIND THE LOCKERS.

SOON, AND WE CAN ALL GO HAVE A PARTY BEHIND THE LOCKERS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU?

PARTY BEHIND THE LOCKERS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU? I'M A GOOD COP.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU? I'M A GOOD COP. I DON'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF.

I'M A GOOD COP. I DON'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF. SURE, THERE ARE GUYS THAT WOULD

I DON'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF. SURE, THERE ARE GUYS THAT WOULD DO IT, BUT THEY WOULDN'T RESPECT

SURE, THERE ARE GUYS THAT WOULD DO IT, BUT THEY WOULDN'T RESPECT YOU THE NEXT DAY.

DO IT, BUT THEY WOULDN'T RESPECT YOU THE NEXT DAY. COME ON.

YOU THE NEXT DAY. COME ON. WE'RE DOING YOU A FAVOR BY

COME ON. WE'RE DOING YOU A FAVOR BY RUNNING YOU IN.

WE'RE DOING YOU A FAVOR BY RUNNING YOU IN. IT SOUNDS STUPID, BUT HE'S

RUNNING YOU IN. IT SOUNDS STUPID, BUT HE'S RIGHT.

IT SOUNDS STUPID, BUT HE'S RIGHT. WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM

RIGHT. WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM A LIFE AS A STREET HUSTLER...

WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM A LIFE AS A STREET HUSTLER... TURNING TRICKS...

A LIFE AS A STREET HUSTLER... TURNING TRICKS... WITH JOHNS FOR A PIMP!

TURNING TRICKS... WITH JOHNS FOR A PIMP! BELIEVE ME. TRUST ME.

WITH JOHNS FOR A PIMP! BELIEVE ME. TRUST ME. YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME, NOT

BELIEVE ME. TRUST ME. YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME, NOT JUST FOR ME OR FOR YOU BUT FOR

YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME, NOT JUST FOR ME OR FOR YOU BUT FOR ALL THE OTHERS LIKE YOU... THE

JUST FOR ME OR FOR YOU BUT FOR ALL THE OTHERS LIKE YOU... THE ONES I COULDN'T HELP, EVEN

ALL THE OTHERS LIKE YOU... THE ONES I COULDN'T HELP, EVEN THOUGH I WANTED TO.

ONES I COULDN'T HELP, EVEN THOUGH I WANTED TO. NOT JUST FOR THEM, BUT FOR YOU

THOUGH I WANTED TO. NOT JUST FOR THEM, BUT FOR YOU AND FOR ME AND FOR ALL THE

NOT JUST FOR THEM, BUT FOR YOU AND FOR ME AND FOR ALL THE OTHERS LIKE YOU AND LIKE ME AND

AND FOR ME AND FOR ALL THE OTHERS LIKE YOU AND LIKE ME AND THE OTHERS THAT ARE LIKE YOU AND

OTHERS LIKE YOU AND LIKE ME AND THE OTHERS THAT ARE LIKE YOU AND LIKE ME.

THE OTHERS THAT ARE LIKE YOU AND LIKE ME. RUN HER UPTOWN, BILL.

LIKE ME. RUN HER UPTOWN, BILL. COME ON. LET'S GO, BABY.

RUN HER UPTOWN, BILL. COME ON. LET'S GO, BABY. HONKY PIGS.

COME ON. LET'S GO, BABY. HONKY PIGS. REMEMBER ATTICA.

HONKY PIGS. REMEMBER ATTICA. ATTICA!

REMEMBER ATTICA. ATTICA! ATTICA!

WELL, THERE IT IS... A SWEET LITTLE LADY. IF WE HADN'T STOPPED HER, SHE

LITTLE LADY. IF WE HADN'T STOPPED HER, SHE COULD HAVE BECOME A STREET

IF WE HADN'T STOPPED HER, SHE COULD HAVE BECOME A STREET HUSTLER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT

COULD HAVE BECOME A STREET HUSTLER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT STREET HUSTLERS DO.

HUSTLER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT STREET HUSTLERS DO. THEY TURN TRICKS...

STREET HUSTLERS DO. THEY TURN TRICKS... WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS!

THEY TURN TRICKS... WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS! [BREATHING HEAVILY]

WITH JOHNS FOR THEIR PIMPS! [BREATHING HEAVILY] HEY, HONEY.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] HEY, HONEY. WANT TO GO TO A PARTY?

HEY, HONEY. WANT TO GO TO A PARTY? YEAH, I GUESS SO.

Announcer: AND NOW, ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S CHUCK BERRY. [INTRODUCTION TO "MEMPHIS"

AGAIN, HERE'S CHUCK BERRY. [INTRODUCTION TO "MEMPHIS" PLAYS]

♪ LONG-DISTANCE INFORMATION, GIVE ME MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE ♪ ♪ HELP ME FIND THE PARTY TRYING

GIVE ME MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE ♪ ♪ HELP ME FIND THE PARTY TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME ♪

♪ HELP ME FIND THE PARTY TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME ♪ ♪ SHE COULD NOT LEAVE HER

TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME ♪ ♪ SHE COULD NOT LEAVE HER NUMBER, BUT I KNOW WHO PLACED

♪ SHE COULD NOT LEAVE HER NUMBER, BUT I KNOW WHO PLACED THE CALL ♪

NUMBER, BUT I KNOW WHO PLACED THE CALL ♪ ♪ MY UNCLE TOOK THE MESSAGE, AND

THE CALL ♪ ♪ MY UNCLE TOOK THE MESSAGE, AND HE WROTE IT ON THE WALL ♪

♪ MY UNCLE TOOK THE MESSAGE, AND HE WROTE IT ON THE WALL ♪ ♪ OH, HELP ME, INFORMATION ♪

HE WROTE IT ON THE WALL ♪ ♪ OH, HELP ME, INFORMATION ♪ ♪ MORE THAN THAT, I CANNOT ADD ♪

♪ OH, HELP ME, INFORMATION ♪ ♪ MORE THAN THAT, I CANNOT ADD ♪ ♪ ONLY THAT I MISS HER AND ALL

♪ MORE THAN THAT, I CANNOT ADD ♪ ♪ ONLY THAT I MISS HER AND ALL THE FUN WE HAD ♪

♪ ONLY THAT I MISS HER AND ALL THE FUN WE HAD ♪ ♪ WE WERE PULLED APART BECAUSE

THE FUN WE HAD ♪ ♪ WE WERE PULLED APART BECAUSE HER MOM DID NOT AGREE ♪

♪ WE WERE PULLED APART BECAUSE HER MOM DID NOT AGREE ♪ ♪ AND TORE APART OUR HAPPY HOME

HER MOM DID NOT AGREE ♪ ♪ AND TORE APART OUR HAPPY HOME IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE ♪

[GUITAR SOLO]

♪ HELP ME, INFORMATION, GET IN TOUCH WITH MY MARIE ♪ ♪ THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD PHONE

TOUCH WITH MY MARIE ♪ ♪ THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD PHONE ME HERE FROM MEMPHIS,

♪ THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD PHONE ME HERE FROM MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE ♪

ME HERE FROM MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE ♪ ♪ HER HOME IS ON THE SOUTH SIDE,

TENNESSEE ♪ ♪ HER HOME IS ON THE SOUTH SIDE, HIGH UPON A RIDGE ♪

♪ HER HOME IS ON THE SOUTH SIDE, HIGH UPON A RIDGE ♪ ♪ JUST A HALF A MILE FROM THE

HIGH UPON A RIDGE ♪ ♪ JUST A HALF A MILE FROM THE MISSISSIPPI BRIDGE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME I SAW MARIE, SHE WAS WAVING ME GOODBYE ♪

MARIE, SHE WAS WAVING ME GOODBYE ♪ ♪ WITH HURRY-HOME DROPS ON HER

GOODBYE ♪ ♪ WITH HURRY-HOME DROPS ON HER CHEEK THAT TRICKLED FROM HER

♪ WITH HURRY-HOME DROPS ON HER CHEEK THAT TRICKLED FROM HER EYE ♪

CHEEK THAT TRICKLED FROM HER EYE ♪ ♪ MARIE IS ONLY 6 YEARS OLD ♪

EYE ♪ ♪ MARIE IS ONLY 6 YEARS OLD ♪ ♪ INFORMATION, PLEASE, TRY TO

♪ MARIE IS ONLY 6 YEARS OLD ♪ ♪ INFORMATION, PLEASE, TRY TO PUT ME THROUGH TO HER IN

♪ INFORMATION, PLEASE, TRY TO PUT ME THROUGH TO HER IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE ♪

PUT ME THROUGH TO HER IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE ♪ [GUITAR SOLO]

[SONG CONCLUDES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HAS ANYBODY SEEN CAROL?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HAS ANYBODY SEEN CAROL? [INTRODUCTION TO "CAROL"

HAS ANYBODY SEEN CAROL? [INTRODUCTION TO "CAROL" PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO "CAROL" PLAYS] ♪ OH, CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL

[PLAYS] ♪ OH, CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL YOUR HEART AWAY ♪

♪ OH, CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL YOUR HEART AWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT

YOUR HEART AWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪ ♪ CLIMB INTO MY MACHINE SO WE

TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪ ♪ CLIMB INTO MY MACHINE SO WE CAN CRUISE ON OUT ♪

♪ CLIMB INTO MY MACHINE SO WE CAN CRUISE ON OUT ♪ ♪ I KNOW A SWINGIN' LITTLE JOINT

CAN CRUISE ON OUT ♪ ♪ I KNOW A SWINGIN' LITTLE JOINT WHERE WE CAN JUMP AND SHOUT ♪

♪ I KNOW A SWINGIN' LITTLE JOINT WHERE WE CAN JUMP AND SHOUT ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT TOO FAR BACK OFF THE

WHERE WE CAN JUMP AND SHOUT ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT TOO FAR BACK OFF THE HIGHWAY, NOT SO LONG A RIDE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT TOO FAR BACK OFF THE HIGHWAY, NOT SO LONG A RIDE ♪ ♪ YOU PARK YOUR CAR OUT IN THE

HIGHWAY, NOT SO LONG A RIDE ♪ ♪ YOU PARK YOUR CAR OUT IN THE OPEN, YOU CAN WALK INSIDE ♪

♪ YOU PARK YOUR CAR OUT IN THE OPEN, YOU CAN WALK INSIDE ♪ ♪ A LITTLE CUTE GIRL TAKES YOUR

OPEN, YOU CAN WALK INSIDE ♪ ♪ A LITTLE CUTE GIRL TAKES YOUR HAT, AND YOU THANK HER, MA'AM ♪

♪ A LITTLE CUTE GIRL TAKES YOUR HAT, AND YOU THANK HER, MA'AM ♪ ♪ AND EVERY TIME YOU MAKE THE

HAT, AND YOU THANK HER, MA'AM ♪ ♪ AND EVERY TIME YOU MAKE THE SCENE, YOU FIND THE JOINT IS

♪ AND EVERY TIME YOU MAKE THE SCENE, YOU FIND THE JOINT IS JAMMED ♪

SCENE, YOU FIND THE JOINT IS JAMMED ♪ ♪ OH, CAROL ♪

JAMMED ♪ ♪ OH, CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL ♪

♪ OH, CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL, CAROL, CAROL,

♪ CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL, CAROL, CAROL, CAROL, CAROL ♪

♪ CAROL, CAROL, CAROL, CAROL, CAROL ♪ ♪ OH, CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL

CAROL, CAROL ♪ ♪ OH, CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL IT AWAY ♪

♪ OH, CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL IT AWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT

IT AWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪ [GUITAR SOLO]

♪ YOU HEAR SOME MUSIC LIKE THE BOYS GONNA PLAY ♪ ♪ HOLD TIGHT, PAT YOUR FOOT,

BOYS GONNA PLAY ♪ ♪ HOLD TIGHT, PAT YOUR FOOT, DON'T LET 'EM CARRY IT AWAY ♪

♪ HOLD TIGHT, PAT YOUR FOOT, DON'T LET 'EM CARRY IT AWAY ♪ ♪ DON'T LET THE HEAT OVERCOME

DON'T LET 'EM CARRY IT AWAY ♪ ♪ DON'T LET THE HEAT OVERCOME YOU IF WE PLAY TOO LOUD ♪

♪ DON'T LET THE HEAT OVERCOME YOU IF WE PLAY TOO LOUD ♪ ♪ OH, DON'T THE MUSIC INTRIGUE

YOU IF WE PLAY TOO LOUD ♪ ♪ OH, DON'T THE MUSIC INTRIGUE YOU WHEN THERE'S A GATHERING

♪ OH, DON'T THE MUSIC INTRIGUE YOU WHEN THERE'S A GATHERING CROWD? ♪

YOU WHEN THERE'S A GATHERING CROWD? ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T DANCE, I KNOW YOU

CROWD? ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T DANCE, I KNOW YOU WISH YOU COULD ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T DANCE, I KNOW YOU WISH YOU COULD ♪ ♪ COME ON, SOCK IT TO ME,

WISH YOU COULD ♪ ♪ COME ON, SOCK IT TO ME, BARITONE, MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ♪

♪ COME ON, SOCK IT TO ME, BARITONE, MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ♪ [BARITONE SAXOPHONE SOLO]

BARITONE, MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ♪ [BARITONE SAXOPHONE SOLO] ♪ CAROL ♪

[BARITONE SAXOPHONE SOLO] ♪ CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL ♪

♪ CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL, CAROL, CAROL, CAROL ♪

♪ CAROL ♪ ♪ CAROL, CAROL, CAROL, CAROL ♪ ♪ B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R ♪

♪ CAROL, CAROL, CAROL, CAROL ♪ ♪ B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R ♪ ♪ CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL

♪ B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R ♪ ♪ CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL YOUR HEART AWAY ♪

♪ CAROL, DON'T LET HIM STEAL YOUR HEART AWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT

YOUR HEART AWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE IF IT TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪ ♪ BA BA BA BOW ♪

TAKES ME ALL NIGHT AND DAY ♪ ♪ BA BA BA BOW ♪ [SONG CONCLUDES]

♪ BA BA BA BOW ♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LETS YOU SLEEP WHILE IT TRAINS YOUR DOG. [TONE PLAYS]

TRAINS YOUR DOG. [TONE PLAYS] DUE TO THE MATURE SUBJECT

[TONE PLAYS] DUE TO THE MATURE SUBJECT MATTER DEALT WITH IN THE

DUE TO THE MATURE SUBJECT MATTER DEALT WITH IN THE FOLLOWING FILM, PARENTAL

MATTER DEALT WITH IN THE FOLLOWING FILM, PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

FOLLOWING FILM, PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED. AND NOW... BABIES IN MAKEUP.

DISCRETION IS ADVISED. AND NOW... BABIES IN MAKEUP. [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

AND NOW... BABIES IN MAKEUP. [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] OH, NO. OH, NO.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] OH, NO. OH, NO. PLEASE, MRS. GILLEY.

OH, NO. OH, NO. PLEASE, MRS. GILLEY. PLEASE, CAN I WATCH IT?

PLEASE, MRS. GILLEY. PLEASE, CAN I WATCH IT? OH, PLEASE.

PLEASE, CAN I WATCH IT? OH, PLEASE. I'LL BE SO SAD IF I DON'T.

OH, PLEASE. I'LL BE SO SAD IF I DON'T. IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST SHOW ON

I'LL BE SO SAD IF I DON'T. IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION.

IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. PLEASE.

TELEVISION. PLEASE. NO, YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME YOU

PLEASE. NO, YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH IT.

NO, YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH IT. WHY?

WEREN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH IT. WHY? BECAUSE IT'S DIRTY.

WHY? BECAUSE IT'S DIRTY. DIRTY LIKE "TAKE A BATH"

BECAUSE IT'S DIRTY. DIRTY LIKE "TAKE A BATH" DIRTY?

DIRTY LIKE "TAKE A BATH" DIRTY? NOT EXACTLY.

DIRTY? NOT EXACTLY. DIRTY LIKE "THEY'RE NAKED IN

NOT EXACTLY. DIRTY LIKE "THEY'RE NAKED IN FRONT OF STRANGERS" DIRTY?

DIRTY LIKE "THEY'RE NAKED IN FRONT OF STRANGERS" DIRTY? MORE LIKE THAT.

FRONT OF STRANGERS" DIRTY? MORE LIKE THAT. L-LIKE WHEN YOUR PAJAMA

MORE LIKE THAT. L-LIKE WHEN YOUR PAJAMA TRAPDOOR IS OPEN AND THERE'S

L-LIKE WHEN YOUR PAJAMA TRAPDOOR IS OPEN AND THERE'S COMPANY OVER AND YOUR BUM SHOWS?

TRAPDOOR IS OPEN AND THERE'S COMPANY OVER AND YOUR BUM SHOWS? YEAH.

COMPANY OVER AND YOUR BUM SHOWS? YEAH. MRS. GILLEY?

YEAH. MRS. GILLEY? WHAT, PENNY?

MRS. GILLEY? WHAT, PENNY? WANT TO SEE MY BUM?

WHAT, PENNY? WANT TO SEE MY BUM? NO.

WANT TO SEE MY BUM? NO. MRS. GILLEY...

NO. MRS. GILLEY... WHY DO... WHY DO GIRLS HAVE MORE

MRS. GILLEY... WHY DO... WHY DO GIRLS HAVE MORE DIRTY PARTS THAN BOYS?

WHY DO... WHY DO GIRLS HAVE MORE DIRTY PARTS THAN BOYS? BECAUSE BOYS ARE ALWAYS

DIRTY PARTS THAN BOYS? BECAUSE BOYS ARE ALWAYS LOSING THEIR THINGS.

BECAUSE BOYS ARE ALWAYS LOSING THEIR THINGS. GOD FIGURED IF HE CLUMPED ALL

LOSING THEIR THINGS. GOD FIGURED IF HE CLUMPED ALL THE DIRTY PARTS TOGETHER, THEY'D

GOD FIGURED IF HE CLUMPED ALL THE DIRTY PARTS TOGETHER, THEY'D KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM.

THE DIRTY PARTS TOGETHER, THEY'D KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM. WELL, IF... IF BOYS DON'T

KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM. WELL, IF... IF BOYS DON'T HAVE BUST BUMPS, HOW COME THEY

WELL, IF... IF BOYS DON'T HAVE BUST BUMPS, HOW COME THEY STILL HAVE TWO PINK DOTS RIGHT

HAVE BUST BUMPS, HOW COME THEY STILL HAVE TWO PINK DOTS RIGHT HERE?

STILL HAVE TWO PINK DOTS RIGHT HERE? YEAH. WELL, SEE, THAT'S FROM

HERE? YEAH. WELL, SEE, THAT'S FROM WHEN GOD BLEW THEM UP.

YEAH. WELL, SEE, THAT'S FROM WHEN GOD BLEW THEM UP. MRS. GILLEY, HOW DO YOU GET A

WHEN GOD BLEW THEM UP. MRS. GILLEY, HOW DO YOU GET A BABY?

MRS. GILLEY, HOW DO YOU GET A BABY? WELL, THE MAN TAKES A LADY

BABY? WELL, THE MAN TAKES A LADY OUT TO A FANCY DINNER.

WELL, THE MAN TAKES A LADY OUT TO A FANCY DINNER. THEN THEY GO HOME AND THEY DO

OUT TO A FANCY DINNER. THEN THEY GO HOME AND THEY DO THE CHA-CHA LYING DOWN.

THEN THEY GO HOME AND THEY DO THE CHA-CHA LYING DOWN. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

THE CHA-CHA LYING DOWN. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS? WELL, THEN THE NEXT DAY, THE

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS? WELL, THEN THE NEXT DAY, THE MOMMY CALLS UP HER BEST FRIEND

WELL, THEN THE NEXT DAY, THE MOMMY CALLS UP HER BEST FRIEND FROM ACROSS THE ROAD... ASKS HER

MOMMY CALLS UP HER BEST FRIEND FROM ACROSS THE ROAD... ASKS HER TO GO OUT AND BUY PILLOWS SO SHE

FROM ACROSS THE ROAD... ASKS HER TO GO OUT AND BUY PILLOWS SO SHE CAN STUFF THEM UP HER SWEATER.

TO GO OUT AND BUY PILLOWS SO SHE CAN STUFF THEM UP HER SWEATER. OH, NO, NO, THAT'S WRONG.

CAN STUFF THEM UP HER SWEATER. OH, NO, NO, THAT'S WRONG. TELL ME THE REAL WAY YOU GET A

OH, NO, NO, THAT'S WRONG. TELL ME THE REAL WAY YOU GET A BABY.

TELL ME THE REAL WAY YOU GET A BABY. NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

BABY. NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG. OH, PLEASE, PLEASE?

NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG. OH, PLEASE, PLEASE? OKAY, HERE'S THE REAL STORY.

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE? OKAY, HERE'S THE REAL STORY. SEE, THE MAN ZIPS AND UNZIPS HIS

OKAY, HERE'S THE REAL STORY. SEE, THE MAN ZIPS AND UNZIPS HIS PANTS SEVEN TIMES QUICK, AND

SEE, THE MAN ZIPS AND UNZIPS HIS PANTS SEVEN TIMES QUICK, AND THEN HE SAYS, "OH, BABY, OH,

PANTS SEVEN TIMES QUICK, AND THEN HE SAYS, "OH, BABY, OH, BABY, OH, BABY."

THEN HE SAYS, "OH, BABY, OH, BABY, OH, BABY." YEAH.

BABY, OH, BABY." YEAH. WELL, I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF

YEAH. WELL, I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF ANYWAY.

WELL, I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF ANYWAY. FIRST THE LADY MARRIES A DADDY,

ANYWAY. FIRST THE LADY MARRIES A DADDY, AND THEN THEY HAVE A BABY, AND

FIRST THE LADY MARRIES A DADDY, AND THEN THEY HAVE A BABY, AND THEN THE LADY MARRIES ANOTHER

AND THEN THEY HAVE A BABY, AND THEN THE LADY MARRIES ANOTHER DADDY, AND THEN THEY HAVE

THEN THE LADY MARRIES ANOTHER DADDY, AND THEN THEY HAVE ANOTHER BABY, AND THEN THE

DADDY, AND THEN THEY HAVE ANOTHER BABY, AND THEN THE BABIES GO ON TELEVISION.

ANOTHER BABY, AND THEN THE BABIES GO ON TELEVISION. WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT?

BABIES GO ON TELEVISION. WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT? "SONNY AND CHER."

WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT? "SONNY AND CHER." WELL, THAT'S ALL WRONG.

"SONNY AND CHER." WELL, THAT'S ALL WRONG. SEE, THE DADDY TAKES OFF HIS

WELL, THAT'S ALL WRONG. SEE, THE DADDY TAKES OFF HIS JOCKEY SHORTS, AND THE MOMMY

SEE, THE DADDY TAKES OFF HIS JOCKEY SHORTS, AND THE MOMMY PUTS THEM ON.

JOCKEY SHORTS, AND THE MOMMY PUTS THEM ON. THEN THEY GO IN THE KITCHEN AND

PUTS THEM ON. THEN THEY GO IN THE KITCHEN AND THEY EAT BACON AND EGGS OFF THE

THEN THEY GO IN THE KITCHEN AND THEY EAT BACON AND EGGS OFF THE SAME FORK.

THEY EAT BACON AND EGGS OFF THE SAME FORK. OH.

SAME FORK. OH. WELL, NOW THAT I KNOW

OH. WELL, NOW THAT I KNOW EVERYTHING, CAN WE WATCH THE

WELL, NOW THAT I KNOW EVERYTHING, CAN WE WATCH THE MOVIE?

EVERYTHING, CAN WE WATCH THE MOVIE? OKAY, BUT DON'T TELL YOUR

MOVIE? OKAY, BUT DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER, HUH?

OKAY, BUT DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER, HUH? OKAY.

MOTHER, HUH? OKAY. OH, BABY, OH, BABY, OH, BABY.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S HOME MOVIE, SENT TO US FROM NEW ORLEANS BY WALTER WILLIAMS,

MOVIE, SENT TO US FROM NEW ORLEANS BY WALTER WILLIAMS, VANCE DeGENERES, AND

NEW ORLEANS BY WALTER WILLIAMS, VANCE DeGENERES, AND DAVID DERICKSON.

VANCE DeGENERES, AND DAVID DERICKSON. IT'S TIME FOR

DAVID DERICKSON. IT'S TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW."

IT'S TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW." HELLO, KIDDIES!

"THE MR. BILL SHOW." HELLO, KIDDIES! OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR

HELLO, KIDDIES! OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE TV SET.

BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE TV SET. OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT

TV SET. OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME TODAY.

OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME TODAY. AND HERE'S MY FRIEND WHO HELPS

TIME TODAY. AND HERE'S MY FRIEND WHO HELPS ME ALL THE TIME, MR. HANDS.

AND HERE'S MY FRIEND WHO HELPS ME ALL THE TIME, MR. HANDS. HEY, MR. BILL.

ME ALL THE TIME, MR. HANDS. HEY, MR. BILL. ONE OF YOUR GOOD FRIENDS IS

HEY, MR. BILL. ONE OF YOUR GOOD FRIENDS IS COMING TO VISIT.

ONE OF YOUR GOOD FRIENDS IS COMING TO VISIT. ♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

COMING TO VISIT. ♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪ OHH! SPOT!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪ OHH! SPOT! OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU,

OHH! SPOT! OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, SPOT.

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, SPOT. YOU BEEN A GOOD DOG?

SPOT. YOU BEEN A GOOD DOG? I'M SURE HE HAS, MR. BILL,

YOU BEEN A GOOD DOG? I'M SURE HE HAS, MR. BILL, BUT YOUR BEST PAL'S COMING TO

I'M SURE HE HAS, MR. BILL, BUT YOUR BEST PAL'S COMING TO VISIT RIGHT NOW.

BUT YOUR BEST PAL'S COMING TO VISIT RIGHT NOW. WHO'S THAT?

VISIT RIGHT NOW. WHO'S THAT? IT'S MR. SLUGGO.

WHO'S THAT? IT'S MR. SLUGGO. OH, NO!

IT'S MR. SLUGGO. OH, NO! HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.

OH, NO! HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME. HE'S GONNA HURT ME.

HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME. HE'S GONNA HURT ME. NO, HE JUST SAYS HE'S HUNGRY.

HE'S GONNA HURT ME. NO, HE JUST SAYS HE'S HUNGRY. OH, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO

NO, HE JUST SAYS HE'S HUNGRY. OH, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT... NOTHING TO EAT, NO FOOD.

OH, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT... NOTHING TO EAT, NO FOOD. HE SAYS THAT DOG LOOKS MIGHTY

EAT... NOTHING TO EAT, NO FOOD. HE SAYS THAT DOG LOOKS MIGHTY TASTY.

HE SAYS THAT DOG LOOKS MIGHTY TASTY. NO, LEAVE SPOT ALONE!

TASTY. NO, LEAVE SPOT ALONE! OHHHHHH!

NO, LEAVE SPOT ALONE! OHHHHHH! MR. SLUG SAYS SPOT WAS

OHHHHHH! MR. SLUG SAYS SPOT WAS DELICIOUS.

MR. SLUG SAYS SPOT WAS DELICIOUS. OH, WHY DID YOU LET HIM DO

DELICIOUS. OH, WHY DID YOU LET HIM DO THAT TO SPOT?

OH, WHY DID YOU LET HIM DO THAT TO SPOT? MR. BILL, YOU KNOW, IT'S

THAT TO SPOT? MR. BILL, YOU KNOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE WELL GROOMED

MR. BILL, YOU KNOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE WELL GROOMED WHEN EXPECTING VISITORS.

IMPORTANT TO BE WELL GROOMED WHEN EXPECTING VISITORS. I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHEN EXPECTING VISITORS. I CAN'T DO THAT. I CAN'T DO IT. WAIT.

I CAN'T DO THAT. I CAN'T DO IT. WAIT. SURE. LET'S BRUSH YOUR HAIR.

I CAN'T DO IT. WAIT. SURE. LET'S BRUSH YOUR HAIR. OHH! AAH! OHHHHHHH!

SURE. LET'S BRUSH YOUR HAIR. OHH! AAH! OHHHHHHH! I DON'T WANT TO BE BALD.

OHH! AAH! OHHHHHHH! I DON'T WANT TO BE BALD. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE,

I DON'T WANT TO BE BALD. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE, 'CAUSE I'VE MADE YOU A NEW

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE, 'CAUSE I'VE MADE YOU A NEW MOD-LOOK TOUPEE.

'CAUSE I'VE MADE YOU A NEW MOD-LOOK TOUPEE. OH, I DON'T LIKE IT.

MOD-LOOK TOUPEE. OH, I DON'T LIKE IT. I DON'T LIKE IT!

OH, I DON'T LIKE IT. I DON'T LIKE IT! I'D RATHER BE BALD.

I DON'T LIKE IT! I'D RATHER BE BALD. SAY, MR. BILL, A VISITOR'S

I'D RATHER BE BALD. SAY, MR. BILL, A VISITOR'S COMING RIGHT NOW, AND HE'S A

SAY, MR. BILL, A VISITOR'S COMING RIGHT NOW, AND HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS MAGICIAN.

COMING RIGHT NOW, AND HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS MAGICIAN. UH, WHO IS THAT, HUH?

WORLD-FAMOUS MAGICIAN. UH, WHO IS THAT, HUH? IT'S THE AMAZING SLUGGO THE

UH, WHO IS THAT, HUH? IT'S THE AMAZING SLUGGO THE MAGICIAN.

IT'S THE AMAZING SLUGGO THE MAGICIAN. OH, NO! HE'S NO MAGICIAN.

MAGICIAN. OH, NO! HE'S NO MAGICIAN. HE'S JUST GONNA HURT ME AGAIN.

OH, NO! HE'S NO MAGICIAN. HE'S JUST GONNA HURT ME AGAIN. HE'S GONNA HURT ME!

HE'S JUST GONNA HURT ME AGAIN. HE'S GONNA HURT ME! AND I'M HIS ASSISTANT, AND

HE'S GONNA HURT ME! AND I'M HIS ASSISTANT, AND FOR SLUG'S FIRST TRICK, HE'S

AND I'M HIS ASSISTANT, AND FOR SLUG'S FIRST TRICK, HE'S GOING TO LEVITATE YOU.

FOR SLUG'S FIRST TRICK, HE'S GOING TO LEVITATE YOU. I CAN'T DO THAT! NO!

GOING TO LEVITATE YOU. I CAN'T DO THAT! NO! AND TO MAKE IT MORE

I CAN'T DO THAT! NO! AND TO MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING, HE SAYS TO PUT

AND TO MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING, HE SAYS TO PUT THESE POISON-TIPPED SPIKES

INTERESTING, HE SAYS TO PUT THESE POISON-TIPPED SPIKES UNDERNEATH YOU.

THESE POISON-TIPPED SPIKES UNDERNEATH YOU. OH, NO!

UNDERNEATH YOU. OH, NO! HE'S JUST GOING TO HURT ME

OH, NO! HE'S JUST GOING TO HURT ME AGAIN!

HE'S JUST GOING TO HURT ME AGAIN! HERE WE GO.

AGAIN! HERE WE GO. LEVITATE YOURSELF.

HERE WE GO. LEVITATE YOURSELF. OHHHHHHHHH!

LEVITATE YOURSELF. OHHHHHHHHH! OH, JUST THINK POSITIVE.

OHHHHHHHHH! OH, JUST THINK POSITIVE. NOW FOR THE TRADITIONAL

OH, JUST THINK POSITIVE. NOW FOR THE TRADITIONAL "SAW THE MAN IN HALF" TRICK.

NOW FOR THE TRADITIONAL "SAW THE MAN IN HALF" TRICK. NO, I CAN'T DO THAT!

"SAW THE MAN IN HALF" TRICK. NO, I CAN'T DO THAT! SOMEONE HELP ME!

NO, I CAN'T DO THAT! SOMEONE HELP ME! OH, MR. BILL, I'VE SEEN IT

SOMEONE HELP ME! OH, MR. BILL, I'VE SEEN IT DONE THOUSANDS OF TIMES ON TV.

OH, MR. BILL, I'VE SEEN IT DONE THOUSANDS OF TIMES ON TV. THAT'S GONNA BREAK MY ARM!

DONE THOUSANDS OF TIMES ON TV. THAT'S GONNA BREAK MY ARM! NO! WAIT, WAIT!

THAT'S GONNA BREAK MY ARM! NO! WAIT, WAIT! OHHHHHHHH!

NO! WAIT, WAIT! OHHHHHHHH! OKAY, MR. BILL.

OHHHHHHHH! OKAY, MR. BILL. NOW JUST GET IN THE RIGHT FRAME

OKAY, MR. BILL. NOW JUST GET IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND, AND HERE WE GO.

NOW JUST GET IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND, AND HERE WE GO. NO, I CAN'T DO THIS.

OF MIND, AND HERE WE GO. NO, I CAN'T DO THIS. HE'S GONNA SAW ME IN HALF.

NO, I CAN'T DO THIS. HE'S GONNA SAW ME IN HALF. WAIT, WAIT!

HE'S GONNA SAW ME IN HALF. WAIT, WAIT! I'M GONNA SAW YOU IN HALF

WAIT, WAIT! I'M GONNA SAW YOU IN HALF RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA SAW YOU IN HALF RIGHT NOW. NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!

RIGHT NOW. NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! OKAY, MR. BILL.

NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! OKAY, MR. BILL. LET'S CHECK THOSE RESULTS.

OKAY, MR. BILL. LET'S CHECK THOSE RESULTS. HERE WE GO.

LET'S CHECK THOSE RESULTS. HERE WE GO. OH, MR. BILL, SOMETHING MUST

HERE WE GO. OH, MR. BILL, SOMETHING MUST HAVE GONE HAYWIRE.

OH, MR. BILL, SOMETHING MUST HAVE GONE HAYWIRE. MR. BILL'S GOING ON AN

HAVE GONE HAYWIRE. MR. BILL'S GOING ON AN OUTER-SPACE ADVENTURE RIGHT NOW.

MR. BILL'S GOING ON AN OUTER-SPACE ADVENTURE RIGHT NOW. OHHHHHH!

OUTER-SPACE ADVENTURE RIGHT NOW. OHHHHHH! SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL

OHHHHHH! SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL SAYS, "SO LONG."

SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL SAYS, "SO LONG." SO LONG FROM MR. SLUGGO AND

SAYS, "SO LONG." SO LONG FROM MR. SLUGGO AND SPOT AND EVERYBODY.

Announcer: IF YOU HAVE A SUPER 8 OR A 16-MILLIMETER HOME MOVIE APPROXIMATELY 2 MINUTES IN

SUPER 8 OR A 16-MILLIMETER HOME MOVIE APPROXIMATELY 2 MINUTES IN LENGTH, SEND IT TO...

AND INCLUDE A STAMPED, SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE. THERE WILL BE NO MONETARY

SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE. THERE WILL BE NO MONETARY COMPENSATION AT ALL.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE INCREDIBLE RICKY JAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHING STOPS]

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, BUT ENOUGH OF THIS LEVITY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE REASON

LEVITY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE REASON THAT I AM HERE THIS EVENING IS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE REASON THAT I AM HERE THIS EVENING IS BECAUSE I READ MINDS, AND THIS

THAT I AM HERE THIS EVENING IS BECAUSE I READ MINDS, AND THIS EVENING I WOULD LIKE TO READ THE

BECAUSE I READ MINDS, AND THIS EVENING I WOULD LIKE TO READ THE MINDS OF SOME OF YOU OUT IN THE

EVENING I WOULD LIKE TO READ THE MINDS OF SOME OF YOU OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.

MINDS OF SOME OF YOU OUT IN THE AUDIENCE. YOU PEOPLE IN THE CHEAPER SEATS

AUDIENCE. YOU PEOPLE IN THE CHEAPER SEATS WILL HAVE TO WAIT.

YOU PEOPLE IN THE CHEAPER SEATS WILL HAVE TO WAIT. WOULD YOU, SIR, LIKE TO JOIN ME

WILL HAVE TO WAIT. WOULD YOU, SIR, LIKE TO JOIN ME ON STAGE, IF THAT'S OKAY?

WOULD YOU, SIR, LIKE TO JOIN ME ON STAGE, IF THAT'S OKAY? AND HOW ABOUT THIS WOMAN... THE

ON STAGE, IF THAT'S OKAY? AND HOW ABOUT THIS WOMAN... THE THIRD ONE IN?

AND HOW ABOUT THIS WOMAN... THE THIRD ONE IN? WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ON UP AS

THIRD ONE IN? WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ON UP AS WELL?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ON UP AS WELL? JUST COME ON UP TO THE STAGE.

WELL? JUST COME ON UP TO THE STAGE. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

JUST COME ON UP TO THE STAGE. HI. HOW ARE YOU? HI.

HI. HOW ARE YOU? HI. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

HI. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? STANLEY SHERMAN.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME? STANLEY SHERMAN. STANLEY, I'M RICKY.

STANLEY SHERMAN. STANLEY, I'M RICKY. NICE TO MEET YOU.

STANLEY, I'M RICKY. NICE TO MEET YOU. NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU. NICE TO MEET YOU. THAT'S ENOUGH, STANLEY.

NICE TO MEET YOU. THAT'S ENOUGH, STANLEY. THANK YOU.

THAT'S ENOUGH, STANLEY. THANK YOU. AND YOU ARE?

THANK YOU. AND YOU ARE? PEGGY SIEGEL.

AND YOU ARE? PEGGY SIEGEL. PEGGY, STILL RICKY.

PEGGY SIEGEL. PEGGY, STILL RICKY. NICE TO MEET YOU.

PEGGY, STILL RICKY. NICE TO MEET YOU. NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU. NICE TO MEET YOU. THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU HERE

NICE TO MEET YOU. THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU HERE IS TO CONDUCT A LITTLE

THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU HERE IS TO CONDUCT A LITTLE EXPERIMENT WITH THE ORDINARY

IS TO CONDUCT A LITTLE EXPERIMENT WITH THE ORDINARY PACK OF PLAYING CARDS.

EXPERIMENT WITH THE ORDINARY PACK OF PLAYING CARDS. NOW, UNDERSTAND THAT THESE

PACK OF PLAYING CARDS. NOW, UNDERSTAND THAT THESE PLAYING CARDS ARE MERELY AN

NOW, UNDERSTAND THAT THESE PLAYING CARDS ARE MERELY AN ADJUNCT TO THE PARTICULAR FEAT

PLAYING CARDS ARE MERELY AN ADJUNCT TO THE PARTICULAR FEAT OF MIND READING THAT I'M GOING

ADJUNCT TO THE PARTICULAR FEAT OF MIND READING THAT I'M GOING TO DO, AND THEY IN NO WAY HAVE

OF MIND READING THAT I'M GOING TO DO, AND THEY IN NO WAY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

TO DO, AND THEY IN NO WAY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. I'M VERY UNFAMILIAR WITH PLAYING

ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. I'M VERY UNFAMILIAR WITH PLAYING CARDS.

I'M VERY UNFAMILIAR WITH PLAYING CARDS. NOW, PEGGY, WHAT I WOULD LIKE

CARDS. NOW, PEGGY, WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO IS TO HELP ME BY

NOW, PEGGY, WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO IS TO HELP ME BY SELECTING A CARD.

YOU TO DO IS TO HELP ME BY SELECTING A CARD. OKAY, I'M GOING TO FAN THEM, AND

SELECTING A CARD. OKAY, I'M GOING TO FAN THEM, AND YOU JUST TAKE ONE OUT OF THE

OKAY, I'M GOING TO FAN THEM, AND YOU JUST TAKE ONE OUT OF THE DECK... A FREE CHOICE.

YOU JUST TAKE ONE OUT OF THE DECK... A FREE CHOICE. DON'T LET ME INFLUENCE YOU.

DECK... A FREE CHOICE. DON'T LET ME INFLUENCE YOU. [LAUGHS]

DON'T LET ME INFLUENCE YOU. [LAUGHS] SETTLE DOWN, PEGGY.

[LAUGHS] SETTLE DOWN, PEGGY. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IN A

SETTLE DOWN, PEGGY. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IN A MOMENT.

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IN A MOMENT. STANLEY, HANG IN THERE.

MOMENT. STANLEY, HANG IN THERE. NO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... YOU

STANLEY, HANG IN THERE. NO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... YOU MAY THINK THAT I'M TRYING TO

NO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... YOU MAY THINK THAT I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU A PARTICULAR CARD, SO

MAY THINK THAT I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU A PARTICULAR CARD, SO INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, WOULD YOU

GIVE YOU A PARTICULAR CARD, SO INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, WOULD YOU HOLD UP YOUR LEFT THUMB?

INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, WOULD YOU HOLD UP YOUR LEFT THUMB? IT'S A TRICKY ONE.

HOLD UP YOUR LEFT THUMB? IT'S A TRICKY ONE. I KNOW.

IT'S A TRICKY ONE. I KNOW. DON'T WORRY.

I KNOW. DON'T WORRY. I WON'T BE INSULTED.

DON'T WORRY. I WON'T BE INSULTED. GOOD.

I WON'T BE INSULTED. GOOD. WITH YOUR LEFT THUMB, I'D LIKE

GOOD. WITH YOUR LEFT THUMB, I'D LIKE YOU TO PUSH INTO THE DECK JUST

WITH YOUR LEFT THUMB, I'D LIKE YOU TO PUSH INTO THE DECK JUST IN ONE SPOT, ANY PLACE AT ALL,

YOU TO PUSH INTO THE DECK JUST IN ONE SPOT, ANY PLACE AT ALL, JUST ONCE AND REMEMBER THE CARD

IN ONE SPOT, ANY PLACE AT ALL, JUST ONCE AND REMEMBER THE CARD THAT YOU HAPPEN TO SEE.

JUST ONCE AND REMEMBER THE CARD THAT YOU HAPPEN TO SEE. OKAY, PEGGY?

THAT YOU HAPPEN TO SEE. OKAY, PEGGY? STANLEY, WHAT YOU WILL BE DOING

OKAY, PEGGY? STANLEY, WHAT YOU WILL BE DOING AS THIS GOES ON IS LOOKING AT MY

STANLEY, WHAT YOU WILL BE DOING AS THIS GOES ON IS LOOKING AT MY EYES, AND THIS WILL PROVE THAT I

AS THIS GOES ON IS LOOKING AT MY EYES, AND THIS WILL PROVE THAT I AM NOT A THUMB FETISHIST.

EYES, AND THIS WILL PROVE THAT I AM NOT A THUMB FETISHIST. GOOD.

AM NOT A THUMB FETISHIST. GOOD. PEGGY, WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE A

GOOD. PEGGY, WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE A PEEK?

PEGGY, WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE A PEEK? NO, YOU DON'T SEEM TO

PEEK? NO, YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND.

NO, YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND. I WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY LOOK AT A

UNDERSTAND. I WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY LOOK AT A CARD.

I WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY LOOK AT A CARD. I DID.

CARD. I DID. YOU SAW A CARD THAT QUICKLY?

I DID. YOU SAW A CARD THAT QUICKLY? YEAH.

YOU SAW A CARD THAT QUICKLY? YEAH. HERE I'M EXPLAINING, AND

YEAH. HERE I'M EXPLAINING, AND SUDDENLY SHE MOVES LIKE

HERE I'M EXPLAINING, AND SUDDENLY SHE MOVES LIKE LIGHTNING.

SUDDENLY SHE MOVES LIKE LIGHTNING. YOU REMEMBERED ONE?

LIGHTNING. YOU REMEMBERED ONE? YEAH.

YOU REMEMBERED ONE? YEAH. WOULD YOU DO ME A VERY BIG

YEAH. WOULD YOU DO ME A VERY BIG FAVOR?

WOULD YOU DO ME A VERY BIG FAVOR? FORGET IT.

FAVOR? FORGET IT. LET'S TRY AGAIN, SHALL WE?

FORGET IT. LET'S TRY AGAIN, SHALL WE? I'M GOING TO GO THROUGH THE

LET'S TRY AGAIN, SHALL WE? I'M GOING TO GO THROUGH THE CARDS.

I'M GOING TO GO THROUGH THE CARDS. YOU USE YOUR THUMB TO TAKE A

CARDS. YOU USE YOUR THUMB TO TAKE A LOOK AT ONE.

YOU USE YOUR THUMB TO TAKE A LOOK AT ONE. STANLEY, YOU LOOK AT MY EYES.

LOOK AT ONE. STANLEY, YOU LOOK AT MY EYES. YOU KNOW THE REASON.

STANLEY, YOU LOOK AT MY EYES. YOU KNOW THE REASON. YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT THIS,

YOU KNOW THE REASON. YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT THIS, STANLEY.

YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT THIS, STANLEY. THANK YOU.

STANLEY. THANK YOU. HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SEEN THE CARD

THANK YOU. HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SEEN THE CARD NOW, PEGGY?

HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SEEN THE CARD NOW, PEGGY? MM-HMM.

NOW, PEGGY? MM-HMM. SOMEWHERE IN THE DECK IS A

MM-HMM. SOMEWHERE IN THE DECK IS A CARD WHICH YOU KNOW.

SOMEWHERE IN THE DECK IS A CARD WHICH YOU KNOW. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SHUFFLE

CARD WHICH YOU KNOW. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SHUFFLE CARDS?

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SHUFFLE CARDS? I HOPE SO.

CARDS? I HOPE SO. JUST A MINUTE.

I HOPE SO. JUST A MINUTE. THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.

JUST A MINUTE. THAT'S UNFORTUNATE. DO YOU?

THAT'S UNFORTUNATE. DO YOU? A LITTLE.

DO YOU? A LITTLE. WELL, THAT'S BETTER THAN

A LITTLE. WELL, THAT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.

WELL, THAT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING. WOULD YOU TRY, PLEASE?

NOTHING. WOULD YOU TRY, PLEASE? QUICKLY... IT'S DEAD TIME.

WOULD YOU TRY, PLEASE? QUICKLY... IT'S DEAD TIME. GET IT.

QUICKLY... IT'S DEAD TIME. GET IT. COME ON AND MOVE IT.

GET IT. COME ON AND MOVE IT. LET'S PLAY.

COME ON AND MOVE IT. LET'S PLAY. THAT'S GOOD, STANLEY.

LET'S PLAY. THAT'S GOOD, STANLEY. VERY GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD, STANLEY. VERY GOOD. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM NOW

VERY GOOD. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM NOW GOING TO LOOK THROUGH THE CARDS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM NOW GOING TO LOOK THROUGH THE CARDS. THIS WILL HELP ME TO LOCATE THE

GOING TO LOOK THROUGH THE CARDS. THIS WILL HELP ME TO LOCATE THE CORRECT ONE.

THIS WILL HELP ME TO LOCATE THE CORRECT ONE. AND SINCE I'M TAKING SO MUCH

CORRECT ONE. AND SINCE I'M TAKING SO MUCH TIME, WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS TO

AND SINCE I'M TAKING SO MUCH TIME, WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS TO HAVE THE CARD WHICH YOU SELECTED

TIME, WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS TO HAVE THE CARD WHICH YOU SELECTED JUMP OUT OF THE DECK AND LAND IN

HAVE THE CARD WHICH YOU SELECTED JUMP OUT OF THE DECK AND LAND IN MY OUTSTRETCHED ARM AS IF

JUMP OUT OF THE DECK AND LAND IN MY OUTSTRETCHED ARM AS IF PROPELLED.

MY OUTSTRETCHED ARM AS IF PROPELLED. WATCH! ONE CARD.

PROPELLED. WATCH! ONE CARD. AND THIS, I BELIEVE, IS THE CARD

WATCH! ONE CARD. AND THIS, I BELIEVE, IS THE CARD YOU LOOKED AT... THE 2 OF

AND THIS, I BELIEVE, IS THE CARD YOU LOOKED AT... THE 2 OF HEARTS.

YOU LOOKED AT... THE 2 OF HEARTS. THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE.

HEARTS. THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE. THE FIRST ONE.

THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE. THE FIRST ONE. [LAUGHS]

THE FIRST ONE. [LAUGHS] THIS WAS, IN FACT, THE CARD

[LAUGHS] THIS WAS, IN FACT, THE CARD WHICH I ASKED YOU TO FORGET?

THIS WAS, IN FACT, THE CARD WHICH I ASKED YOU TO FORGET? YES.

WHICH I ASKED YOU TO FORGET? YES. A FINE JOB YOU'VE DONE.

YES. A FINE JOB YOU'VE DONE. WHAT WAS THE CARD WHICH I ASKED

A FINE JOB YOU'VE DONE. WHAT WAS THE CARD WHICH I ASKED YOU TO REMEMBER?

WHAT WAS THE CARD WHICH I ASKED YOU TO REMEMBER? 2 OF CLUBS.

YOU TO REMEMBER? 2 OF CLUBS. 2 OF CLUBS.

2 OF CLUBS. 2 OF CLUBS. WATCH THE 2 OF HEARTS IN MIDAIR,

2 OF CLUBS. WATCH THE 2 OF HEARTS IN MIDAIR, 'CAUSE THAT IS NOW THE 2 OF

WATCH THE 2 OF HEARTS IN MIDAIR, 'CAUSE THAT IS NOW THE 2 OF CLUBS.

'CAUSE THAT IS NOW THE 2 OF CLUBS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CLUBS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO BACK TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT? THANK YOU.

YOUR SEAT? THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HELPING

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HELPING ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HELPING ME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MANY OF

ME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT I AM THE MAN WHO

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT I AM THE MAN WHO CORRECTLY PREDICTED THE WINNING

YOU KNOW THAT I AM THE MAN WHO CORRECTLY PREDICTED THE WINNING TICKET IN THE 1923

CORRECTLY PREDICTED THE WINNING TICKET IN THE 1923 CUBAN NATIONAL LOTTERY.

TICKET IN THE 1923 CUBAN NATIONAL LOTTERY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CUBAN NATIONAL LOTTERY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THIS EVENING I HAVE ANOTHER

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THIS EVENING I HAVE ANOTHER PREDICTION IN STORE FOR YOU.

THIS EVENING I HAVE ANOTHER PREDICTION IN STORE FOR YOU. LET'S SEE.

PREDICTION IN STORE FOR YOU. LET'S SEE. YOUNG LADY OVER HERE, WOULD YOU

LET'S SEE. YOUNG LADY OVER HERE, WOULD YOU MIND JUST STANDING IN YOUR SEAT?

YOUNG LADY OVER HERE, WOULD YOU MIND JUST STANDING IN YOUR SEAT? NO REASON TO COME UP ONSTAGE.

MIND JUST STANDING IN YOUR SEAT? NO REASON TO COME UP ONSTAGE. WOULD YOU JUST STAND AT YOUR

NO REASON TO COME UP ONSTAGE. WOULD YOU JUST STAND AT YOUR SEAT?

WOULD YOU JUST STAND AT YOUR SEAT? AND I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO

SEAT? AND I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO MENTION ANY NUMBER AT ALL IN

AND I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO MENTION ANY NUMBER AT ALL IN JUST A SECOND, BUT I WANT YOU TO

MENTION ANY NUMBER AT ALL IN JUST A SECOND, BUT I WANT YOU TO REALLY SHOUT IT OUT... A NUMBER

JUST A SECOND, BUT I WANT YOU TO REALLY SHOUT IT OUT... A NUMBER FROM 1 TO 10... NOW! SHOUT!

REALLY SHOUT IT OUT... A NUMBER FROM 1 TO 10... NOW! SHOUT! 7!

FROM 1 TO 10... NOW! SHOUT! 7! 7!

7! 7! FINALLY.

7! FINALLY. [LAUGHS]

FINALLY. [LAUGHS] YOU HAVE NO IDEA I HAVE BEEN

[LAUGHS] YOU HAVE NO IDEA I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT. THIS HAS BEEN A VERY TOUGH WEEK,

WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT. THIS HAS BEEN A VERY TOUGH WEEK, AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

THIS HAS BEEN A VERY TOUGH WEEK, AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS 7.

AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS 7. ["STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER"

7. ["STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYS]

["STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYS] JUST A LUCKY, INCREDIBLE THING.

[PLAYS] JUST A LUCKY, INCREDIBLE THING. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

JUST A LUCKY, INCREDIBLE THING. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. [SIREN WAILING]

YOU HAVE NO IDEA. [SIREN WAILING] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU

[SIREN WAILING] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR THIS, THE LUCKIEST NIGHT OF

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR THIS, THE LUCKIEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

FOR THIS, THE LUCKIEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MY LIFE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [MUSIC RESUMES]

[SCOFFS] BUT WAIT. COME ON, MAN. NOW, WHAT'S ALL THESE TISSUES,

BUT WAIT. COME ON, MAN. NOW, WHAT'S ALL THESE TISSUES, BABY?

NOW, WHAT'S ALL THESE TISSUES, BABY? I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO REPAIR A

BABY? I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO REPAIR A MOVIE PROJECTOR.

I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO REPAIR A MOVIE PROJECTOR. MR. REESE, IT'S THIS

MOVIE PROJECTOR. MR. REESE, IT'S THIS SIMPLE... WEAR THIS TISSUE, FIX

MR. REESE, IT'S THIS SIMPLE... WEAR THIS TISSUE, FIX THE PROJECTOR, SAY NOTHING TO

SIMPLE... WEAR THIS TISSUE, FIX THE PROJECTOR, SAY NOTHING TO THE MAN IN THE ROOM, AND YOU

THE PROJECTOR, SAY NOTHING TO THE MAN IN THE ROOM, AND YOU WILL BE PAID $2,000 FOR WHAT

THE MAN IN THE ROOM, AND YOU WILL BE PAID $2,000 FOR WHAT WILL PROBABLY AMOUNT TO 5

WILL BE PAID $2,000 FOR WHAT WILL PROBABLY AMOUNT TO 5 MINUTES OF WORK.

WILL PROBABLY AMOUNT TO 5 MINUTES OF WORK. $2,00... HEY, UH, YOU MISSED A

MINUTES OF WORK. $2,00... HEY, UH, YOU MISSED A SPOT OVER HERE.

$2,00... HEY, UH, YOU MISSED A SPOT OVER HERE. OKAY. GO AHEAD, MR. REESE.

SPOT OVER HERE. OKAY. GO AHEAD, MR. REESE. THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALL.

OKAY. GO AHEAD, MR. REESE. THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALL. WE'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALL. WE'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU. YOU KNOW...

WE'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU. YOU KNOW... I'VE BEEN A MORMON ALL MY LIFE,

YOU KNOW... I'VE BEEN A MORMON ALL MY LIFE, AND I KNOW WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

I'VE BEEN A MORMON ALL MY LIFE, AND I KNOW WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE STIMULANTS, BUT THERE'S ONE

AND I KNOW WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE STIMULANTS, BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT'S ALWAYS PUZZLED ME.

HAVE STIMULANTS, BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT'S ALWAYS PUZZLED ME. WHAT'S THAT?

THING THAT'S ALWAYS PUZZLED ME. WHAT'S THAT? WELL... ARE WE ALLOWED TO

WHAT'S THAT? WELL... ARE WE ALLOWED TO DRINK SANKA?

WELL... ARE WE ALLOWED TO DRINK SANKA? I DON'T THINK SO.

DRINK SANKA? I DON'T THINK SO. WHAT ABOUT BRIM?

I DON'T THINK SO. WHAT ABOUT BRIM? I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ABOUT BRIM? I DON'T KNOW. I'LL HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE

I DON'T KNOW. I'LL HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE TEMPLE.

I'LL HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE TEMPLE. LET'S DO THAT.

TEMPLE. LET'S DO THAT. OKAY.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

AAH! AAH! NO! NO! PLEASE, PLEASE, MR. REESE, DON'T PUT ANYTHING ON THE BED,

PLEASE, PLEASE, MR. REESE, DON'T PUT ANYTHING ON THE BED, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T PUT ANYTHING ON THE BED, ALL RIGHT? THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT? THANK YOU. I THINK I'LL GO TO THE

THANK YOU. I THINK I'LL GO TO THE TOILET.

I THINK I'LL GO TO THE TOILET. MR. HUGHES, YOU JUST SPENT 72

TOILET. MR. HUGHES, YOU JUST SPENT 72 HOURS ON THAT THING.

MR. HUGHES, YOU JUST SPENT 72 HOURS ON THAT THING. YEAH, I GUESS I'M JUST NOT IN

HOURS ON THAT THING. YEAH, I GUESS I'M JUST NOT IN THE SWING.

YEAH, I GUESS I'M JUST NOT IN THE SWING. WELL, MAYBE I'LL GET SOME

THE SWING. WELL, MAYBE I'LL GET SOME EXERCISE.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL GET SOME EXERCISE. COME ON, FELLAS.

EXERCISE. COME ON, FELLAS. LET'S GO FOR A WALK.

COME ON, FELLAS. LET'S GO FOR A WALK. AH, SPLENDID IDEA.

LET'S GO FOR A WALK. AH, SPLENDID IDEA. [GRUNTS]

AH, SPLENDID IDEA. [GRUNTS] THANK YOU.

[GRUNTS] THANK YOU. YES, WELL, WHAT A LOVELY DAY

THANK YOU. YES, WELL, WHAT A LOVELY DAY IT IS TODAY FOR A WALK.

YES, WELL, WHAT A LOVELY DAY IT IS TODAY FOR A WALK. WHOOP! WAS THAT A RAINDROP I

IT IS TODAY FOR A WALK. WHOOP! WAS THAT A RAINDROP I FELT ON MY HAND?

WHOOP! WAS THAT A RAINDROP I FELT ON MY HAND? I THINK IT WAS.

FELT ON MY HAND? I THINK IT WAS. TIME TO GO BACK INSIDE.

I THINK IT WAS. TIME TO GO BACK INSIDE. OH, RUN BETWEEN THE

TIME TO GO BACK INSIDE. OH, RUN BETWEEN THE RAINDROPS.

OH, RUN BETWEEN THE RAINDROPS. OOH-OOH!

RAINDROPS. OOH-OOH! OHH. AHH.

OOH-OOH! OHH. AHH. MY, YOU'RE LOOKING HEALTHY

OHH. AHH. MY, YOU'RE LOOKING HEALTHY TODAY, MR. HUGHES.

MY, YOU'RE LOOKING HEALTHY TODAY, MR. HUGHES. WELL, THANK YOU, CLARENCE.

TODAY, MR. HUGHES. WELL, THANK YOU, CLARENCE. YOU KNOW, I WORKED UP QUITE AN

WELL, THANK YOU, CLARENCE. YOU KNOW, I WORKED UP QUITE AN APPETITE.

YOU KNOW, I WORKED UP QUITE AN APPETITE. BRING ME A HEAPING SPOONFUL OF

APPETITE. BRING ME A HEAPING SPOONFUL OF BANANA-NUT ICE CREAM.

BRING ME A HEAPING SPOONFUL OF BANANA-NUT ICE CREAM. UHH.

BANANA-NUT ICE CREAM. UHH. HOW ARE YOU COMING THERE?

UHH. HOW ARE YOU COMING THERE? HEY, I KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS.

HOW ARE YOU COMING THERE? HEY, I KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS. THIS GUY IS NIXON, AIN'T HE?

HEY, I KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS. THIS GUY IS NIXON, AIN'T HE? WELL, THAT'S CLOSE.

THIS GUY IS NIXON, AIN'T HE? WELL, THAT'S CLOSE. UHH. MY GOODIES. MY GOODIES.

WELL, THAT'S CLOSE. UHH. MY GOODIES. MY GOODIES. HEY, HEY.

UHH. MY GOODIES. MY GOODIES. HEY, HEY. DOES HE NEED A DOCTOR OR

HEY, HEY. DOES HE NEED A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING, MAN?

DOES HE NEED A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING, MAN? HE'S ALREADY GOT FOUR OF THE

SOMETHING, MAN? HE'S ALREADY GOT FOUR OF THE BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD.

HE'S ALREADY GOT FOUR OF THE BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD. WHERE DO YOU THINK HE GETS HIS

BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD. WHERE DO YOU THINK HE GETS HIS DRUGS?

WHERE DO YOU THINK HE GETS HIS DRUGS? JUST FIX THE MACHINE.

DRUGS? JUST FIX THE MACHINE. THE MACHINE IS ALREADY FIXED,

JUST FIX THE MACHINE. THE MACHINE IS ALREADY FIXED, BABY.

THE MACHINE IS ALREADY FIXED, BABY. ALL RIGHT, FINE.

BABY. ALL RIGHT, FINE. THANK YOU, MR. REESE.

ALL RIGHT, FINE. THANK YOU, MR. REESE. "ICE STATION ZEBRA."

THANK YOU, MR. REESE. "ICE STATION ZEBRA." YOU KNOW, FELLAS, THIS IS MY

"ICE STATION ZEBRA." YOU KNOW, FELLAS, THIS IS MY FAVORITE FILM.

YOU KNOW, FELLAS, THIS IS MY FAVORITE FILM. IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN IT

FAVORITE FILM. IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN IT TODAY.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN IT TODAY. GOD, IT'S A GOOD FILM.

TODAY. GOD, IT'S A GOOD FILM. I THINK I'LL GO FLYING.

GOD, IT'S A GOOD FILM. I THINK I'LL GO FLYING. THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.

I THINK I'LL GO FLYING. THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. I'LL GO FLYING.

THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. I'LL GO FLYING. LAMAR, GET MY FLYING JACKET.

I'LL GO FLYING. LAMAR, GET MY FLYING JACKET. OH, BOY.

LAMAR, GET MY FLYING JACKET. OH, BOY. THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE.

OH, BOY. THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE. THANK YOU.

THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE. THANK YOU. CAN I GO NOW, MAN?

THANK YOU. CAN I GO NOW, MAN? WELL, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO FLY

CAN I GO NOW, MAN? WELL, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO FLY TO VEGAS.

WELL, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO FLY TO VEGAS. WE DO THIS EVERY DAY.

TO VEGAS. WE DO THIS EVERY DAY. I WILL ATTEND TO YOU IN A

WE DO THIS EVERY DAY. I WILL ATTEND TO YOU IN A MOMENT.

I WILL ATTEND TO YOU IN A MOMENT. I HAVE TO BE A PROPELLER.

MOMENT. I HAVE TO BE A PROPELLER. YEAH, YOUR ARMS MUST GET

I HAVE TO BE A PROPELLER. YEAH, YOUR ARMS MUST GET PRETTY TIRED BEING A PROPELLER,

YEAH, YOUR ARMS MUST GET PRETTY TIRED BEING A PROPELLER, HUH?

PRETTY TIRED BEING A PROPELLER, HUH? ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

HUH? ALL RIGHT. OKAY. THIS IS LONG BEACH TOWER TO

ALL RIGHT. OKAY. THIS IS LONG BEACH TOWER TO THE GOOSE.

THIS IS LONG BEACH TOWER TO THE GOOSE. ARE YOU READY TO TAKE OFF,

THE GOOSE. ARE YOU READY TO TAKE OFF, GOOSE?

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE OFF, GOOSE? START THE ENGINE.

GOOSE? START THE ENGINE. HERE WE GO!

START THE ENGINE. HERE WE GO! [IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE

HERE WE GO! [IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE REVVING]

[IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE REVVING] OKAY, YOU'RE CLEAR FOR

[REVVING] OKAY, YOU'RE CLEAR FOR TAKEOFF.

OKAY, YOU'RE CLEAR FOR TAKEOFF. MR. REESE, COME OVER HERE

TAKEOFF. MR. REESE, COME OVER HERE WITH ME.

MR. REESE, COME OVER HERE WITH ME. ALL RIGHT.

WITH ME. ALL RIGHT. HERE IS A BOX OF TISSUES WITH

ALL RIGHT. HERE IS A BOX OF TISSUES WITH $2,000 IN IT.

HERE IS A BOX OF TISSUES WITH $2,000 IN IT. YOU WILL RECEIVE A BOX LIKE THIS

$2,000 IN IT. YOU WILL RECEIVE A BOX LIKE THIS EVERY YEAR FOR THE REST OF YOUR

YOU WILL RECEIVE A BOX LIKE THIS EVERY YEAR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU SAY NOTHING ABOUT

EVERY YEAR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU SAY NOTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW OR HEARD HERE

LIFE IF YOU SAY NOTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW OR HEARD HERE TODAY, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT YOU SAW OR HEARD HERE TODAY, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, OKAY, MAN.

TODAY, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, OKAY, MAN. WHATEVER YOU WANT, BABY.

OKAY, OKAY, MAN. WHATEVER YOU WANT, BABY. WHOO!

WHATEVER YOU WANT, BABY. WHOO! ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!

WHOO! ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! OKAY. ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD THERE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD THERE. ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD THERE. ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪

♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪

♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪

♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪

♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ CAN'T BUY ME LOVE ♪

♪ HEY, BOBAREBOP ♪ ♪ CAN'T BUY ME LOVE ♪ ♪ LOVE ♪

♪ CAN'T BUY ME LOVE ♪ ♪ LOVE ♪ ♪ CAN'T BUY ME LOVE ♪

♪ LOVE ♪ ♪ CAN'T BUY ME LOVE ♪ ♪ I'LL BUY YOU A DIAMOND RING,

♪ CAN'T BUY ME LOVE ♪ ♪ I'LL BUY YOU A DIAMOND RING, MY FRIEND, IF IT'LL MAKE... ♪

HEY, GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY, AND, UH... WELCOME TO "WORLD OF ADVENTURE."

AND, UH... WELCOME TO "WORLD OF ADVENTURE." I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER.

"WORLD OF ADVENTURE." I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER. AND, UH... WE'RE GONNA LOOK AT

I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER. AND, UH... WE'RE GONNA LOOK AT SOME EXOTIC PLACES TODAY ON

AND, UH... WE'RE GONNA LOOK AT SOME EXOTIC PLACES TODAY ON "WORLD OF ADVENTURE."

SOME EXOTIC PLACES TODAY ON "WORLD OF ADVENTURE." TONIGHT OUR GUEST IS

"WORLD OF ADVENTURE." TONIGHT OUR GUEST IS CLARA MITDORF.

TONIGHT OUR GUEST IS CLARA MITDORF. SHE'S A DOCTOR OF ANTHROPOLOGY

CLARA MITDORF. SHE'S A DOCTOR OF ANTHROPOLOGY AT BERKELEY, AND SHE'S JUST

SHE'S A DOCTOR OF ANTHROPOLOGY AT BERKELEY, AND SHE'S JUST RETURNED FROM DARKEST AFRICA

AT BERKELEY, AND SHE'S JUST RETURNED FROM DARKEST AFRICA WITH SOME INSIGHTS INTO OTHER

RETURNED FROM DARKEST AFRICA WITH SOME INSIGHTS INTO OTHER CULTURES, RIGHT?

WITH SOME INSIGHTS INTO OTHER CULTURES, RIGHT? PLEASE, MR. MILLER.

CULTURES, RIGHT? PLEASE, MR. MILLER. WE ANTHROPOLOGISTS ARE REPULSED

PLEASE, MR. MILLER. WE ANTHROPOLOGISTS ARE REPULSED BY REFERENCES OF AFRICA BEING

WE ANTHROPOLOGISTS ARE REPULSED BY REFERENCES OF AFRICA BEING THE DARK CONTINENT.

BY REFERENCES OF AFRICA BEING THE DARK CONTINENT. THAT'S PREJUDICIAL AND

THE DARK CONTINENT. THAT'S PREJUDICIAL AND MISLEADING, YOU SEE?

THAT'S PREJUDICIAL AND MISLEADING, YOU SEE? YES. SURE, SURE.

MISLEADING, YOU SEE? YES. SURE, SURE. WELL, WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT,

YES. SURE, SURE. WELL, WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT, CLARA.

WELL, WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT, CLARA. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

CLARA. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. THAT'S GOOD.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. THAT'S GOOD. YOU TOOK A LOT OF FILM WHEN

THAT'S GOOD. YOU TOOK A LOT OF FILM WHEN YOU WERE OVER THERE, RIGHT?

YOU TOOK A LOT OF FILM WHEN YOU WERE OVER THERE, RIGHT? OH, YEAH, BUT YOU MUST LET ME

YOU WERE OVER THERE, RIGHT? OH, YEAH, BUT YOU MUST LET ME EXPLAIN.

OH, YEAH, BUT YOU MUST LET ME EXPLAIN. YEAH, ALL KINDS OF FILM.

EXPLAIN. YEAH, ALL KINDS OF FILM. WE'LL JUST ROLL THE FILM.

YEAH, ALL KINDS OF FILM. WE'LL JUST ROLL THE FILM. LET'S JUST WATCH THAT FILM.

WE'LL JUST ROLL THE FILM. LET'S JUST WATCH THAT FILM. HEY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

LET'S JUST WATCH THAT FILM. HEY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. HEY, ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?

HEY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. HEY, ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC? [WHISTLES]

HEY, ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC? [WHISTLES] MMM, YEAH.

[WHISTLES] MMM, YEAH. YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT REALLY

MMM, YEAH. YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT I'M ABOUT, AFTER ALL...

YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT I'M ABOUT, AFTER ALL... STUFF LIKE THAT... BUT, YOU

WHAT I'M ABOUT, AFTER ALL... STUFF LIKE THAT... BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF A GOOD

STUFF LIKE THAT... BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF A GOOD PUBLICITY FOR THEM.

KNOW, IT'S KIND OF A GOOD PUBLICITY FOR THEM. BUT, YOU SEE, YOU JUST GOT TO

PUBLICITY FOR THEM. BUT, YOU SEE, YOU JUST GOT TO LET ME EXPLAIN.

BUT, YOU SEE, YOU JUST GOT TO LET ME EXPLAIN. I WAS STUDYING THE BUSHMEN OF

LET ME EXPLAIN. I WAS STUDYING THE BUSHMEN OF THE KALAHARI.

I WAS STUDYING THE BUSHMEN OF THE KALAHARI. THAT WAS GOOD.

THE KALAHARI. THAT WAS GOOD. YEAH. WHAT'S THAT... A MELON

THAT WAS GOOD. YEAH. WHAT'S THAT... A MELON THOSE WOMEN WERE PASSING AROUND?

YEAH. WHAT'S THAT... A MELON THOSE WOMEN WERE PASSING AROUND? WHAT IS THAT... A MELON?

THOSE WOMEN WERE PASSING AROUND? WHAT IS THAT... A MELON? WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS THAT... A MELON? WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S THIS DANCE CALLED?

WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S THIS DANCE CALLED? IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S THIS DANCE CALLED? IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE IT, YOU KNOW.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE IT, YOU KNOW. OH, IT'S GOOD YOU LOVE IT,

I LOVE IT, YOU KNOW. OH, IT'S GOOD YOU LOVE IT, BECAUSE THERE IT IS.

OH, IT'S GOOD YOU LOVE IT, BECAUSE THERE IT IS. WELL, SEE, IT'S A GOURD.

BECAUSE THERE IT IS. WELL, SEE, IT'S A GOURD. IT'S KNOWN AS THE GOURD DANCE.

WELL, SEE, IT'S A GOURD. IT'S KNOWN AS THE GOURD DANCE. THERE'S THAT GOOD SHOT.

IT'S KNOWN AS THE GOURD DANCE. THERE'S THAT GOOD SHOT. HOW OLD WOULD YOU SAY THAT GIRL

THERE'S THAT GOOD SHOT. HOW OLD WOULD YOU SAY THAT GIRL WAS... ABOUT 12, 13?

HOW OLD WOULD YOU SAY THAT GIRL WAS... ABOUT 12, 13? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WAS... ABOUT 12, 13? WHAT DO YOU THINK? BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? BEAUTIFUL. WASN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW?

BEAUTIFUL. WASN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW? IT WAS ALL RIGHT, BUT WE GOT

WASN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW? IT WAS ALL RIGHT, BUT WE GOT TO GET ON WITH THE STUFF.

IT WAS ALL RIGHT, BUT WE GOT TO GET ON WITH THE STUFF. YOU HAD STUFF ABOUT THE RUINS

TO GET ON WITH THE STUFF. YOU HAD STUFF ABOUT THE RUINS AND STUFF.

YOU HAD STUFF ABOUT THE RUINS AND STUFF. WE CUT THAT OUT, 'CAUSE WE FELT

AND STUFF. WE CUT THAT OUT, 'CAUSE WE FELT THE FOLKS AT HOME WOULD REALLY

WE CUT THAT OUT, 'CAUSE WE FELT THE FOLKS AT HOME WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THAT STUFF.

THE FOLKS AT HOME WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THAT STUFF. ONE DANCE SAYS IT, I THINK.

APPRECIATE THAT STUFF. ONE DANCE SAYS IT, I THINK. IT WAS THE BEST FILM YOU TOOK.

ONE DANCE SAYS IT, I THINK. IT WAS THE BEST FILM YOU TOOK. OF EVERY ASPECT OF

IT WAS THE BEST FILM YOU TOOK. OF EVERY ASPECT OF BUSHMAN CULTURE, SEE?

OF EVERY ASPECT OF BUSHMAN CULTURE, SEE? YEAH, SURE.

BUSHMAN CULTURE, SEE? YEAH, SURE. WELL, COME BACK AND VISIT US

YEAH, SURE. WELL, COME BACK AND VISIT US AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

WELL, COME BACK AND VISIT US AGAIN, YOU KNOW? LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME

AGAIN, YOU KNOW? LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FILMS FROM TAHITI NEXT WEEK, YOU

LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FILMS FROM TAHITI NEXT WEEK, YOU KNOW?

FILMS FROM TAHITI NEXT WEEK, YOU KNOW? AND WE GOT ANOTHER

KNOW? AND WE GOT ANOTHER ANTHROPOLOGIST JUST RETURNED

AND WE GOT ANOTHER ANTHROPOLOGIST JUST RETURNED FROM KENYA, WHERE HE STUDIED THE

ANTHROPOLOGIST JUST RETURNED FROM KENYA, WHERE HE STUDIED THE BUNTARI TRIBE, AND WE'RE GONNA

FROM KENYA, WHERE HE STUDIED THE BUNTARI TRIBE, AND WE'RE GONNA SEE SOME FASCINATING CULTURE

BUNTARI TRIBE, AND WE'RE GONNA SEE SOME FASCINATING CULTURE THERE ON "WORLD OF ADVENTURE"

SEE SOME FASCINATING CULTURE THERE ON "WORLD OF ADVENTURE" NEXT TIME, SO YOU'RE ALL GONNA

THERE ON "WORLD OF ADVENTURE" NEXT TIME, SO YOU'RE ALL GONNA TUNE IN.

NEXT TIME, SO YOU'RE ALL GONNA TUNE IN. TERRIFIC. THANKS FOR COMING IN.

TUNE IN. TERRIFIC. THANKS FOR COMING IN. WELL, I MAY COME BACK.

TERRIFIC. THANKS FOR COMING IN. WELL, I MAY COME BACK. SURE. TERRIFIC. BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, I MAY COME BACK. SURE. TERRIFIC. BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL.

FIFI, FIFI, COME HERE THIS INSTANT. OUI, OUI?

INSTANT. OUI, OUI? FIFI, THERE'S DUST ON MY

OUI, OUI? FIFI, THERE'S DUST ON MY FLAMINGO.

FIFI, THERE'S DUST ON MY FLAMINGO. CERTAINEMENT, MONSIEUR MIKE.

FLAMINGO. CERTAINEMENT, MONSIEUR MIKE. YOU KNOW, WHY, I HAVE HALF A

CERTAINEMENT, MONSIEUR MIKE. YOU KNOW, WHY, I HAVE HALF A MIND TO TAKE YOU OVER MY KNEE

YOU KNOW, WHY, I HAVE HALF A MIND TO TAKE YOU OVER MY KNEE AND... OH, NOTHING.

MIND TO TAKE YOU OVER MY KNEE AND... OH, NOTHING. SAY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST HOP UP

AND... OH, NOTHING. SAY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST HOP UP HERE IN MY LAP AND I'LL TELL YOU

SAY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST HOP UP HERE IN MY LAP AND I'LL TELL YOU THE STORY OF WILLY THE WORM?

HERE IN MY LAP AND I'LL TELL YOU THE STORY OF WILLY THE WORM? WILLY THE WORM?

THE STORY OF WILLY THE WORM? WILLY THE WORM? OH, Là Là!

WILLY THE WORM? OH, Là Là! I HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS STORY.

OH, Là Là! I HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS STORY. YES, YOU SEE, ONE DAY WHILE

I HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS STORY. YES, YOU SEE, ONE DAY WHILE CROSSING THE HIGHWAY,

YES, YOU SEE, ONE DAY WHILE CROSSING THE HIGHWAY, WILLY THE WORM WAS RUN OVER BY A

CROSSING THE HIGHWAY, WILLY THE WORM WAS RUN OVER BY A LARGE TRUCK.

WILLY THE WORM WAS RUN OVER BY A LARGE TRUCK. HIS BACK HALF WAS JUST MASHED.

LARGE TRUCK. HIS BACK HALF WAS JUST MASHED. HE WAS RUSHED TO THE WORM

HIS BACK HALF WAS JUST MASHED. HE WAS RUSHED TO THE WORM DOCTOR, WHO TOOK ONE LOOK AT

HE WAS RUSHED TO THE WORM DOCTOR, WHO TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM, SHOOK HIS HEAD SLOWLY FROM

DOCTOR, WHO TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM, SHOOK HIS HEAD SLOWLY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, AND SAID, "WILLY,

HIM, SHOOK HIS HEAD SLOWLY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, AND SAID, "WILLY, I HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

SIDE TO SIDE, AND SAID, "WILLY, I HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOU. I'M AFRAID YOU'LL NEVER CRAWL

I HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOU. I'M AFRAID YOU'LL NEVER CRAWL AGAIN."

I'M AFRAID YOU'LL NEVER CRAWL AGAIN." "NOT CRAWL? NOT CRAWL?

AGAIN." "NOT CRAWL? NOT CRAWL? BUT CRAWLING'S MY WHOLE LIFE!"

"NOT CRAWL? NOT CRAWL? BUT CRAWLING'S MY WHOLE LIFE!" EXCLAIMED WILLY, AND HE SET OUT

BUT CRAWLING'S MY WHOLE LIFE!" EXCLAIMED WILLY, AND HE SET OUT TO PROVE THE DOCTOR WRONG.

EXCLAIMED WILLY, AND HE SET OUT TO PROVE THE DOCTOR WRONG. MANY YEARS PASSED AND PROGRESS

TO PROVE THE DOCTOR WRONG. MANY YEARS PASSED AND PROGRESS WAS SLOW, BUT WILLY NEVER GAVE

MANY YEARS PASSED AND PROGRESS WAS SLOW, BUT WILLY NEVER GAVE UP.

WAS SLOW, BUT WILLY NEVER GAVE UP. HIS FIERCE DETERMINATION DROVE

UP. HIS FIERCE DETERMINATION DROVE HIM ON.

HIS FIERCE DETERMINATION DROVE HIM ON. AND FINALLY, WILLY COULD CRAWL

HIM ON. AND FINALLY, WILLY COULD CRAWL JUST AS WELL AS HE EVER DID.

AND FINALLY, WILLY COULD CRAWL JUST AS WELL AS HE EVER DID. "IT'S AMAZING," SAID THE

JUST AS WELL AS HE EVER DID. "IT'S AMAZING," SAID THE WORM DOCTOR.

"IT'S AMAZING," SAID THE WORM DOCTOR. "WHY, YOU'D BE WRITTEN UP IN

WORM DOCTOR. "WHY, YOU'D BE WRITTEN UP IN MEDICAL JOURNALS IF, INDEED,

"WHY, YOU'D BE WRITTEN UP IN MEDICAL JOURNALS IF, INDEED, WORMS HAD MEDICAL JOURNALS."

MEDICAL JOURNALS IF, INDEED, WORMS HAD MEDICAL JOURNALS." "THAT'S NOTHING.

WORMS HAD MEDICAL JOURNALS." "THAT'S NOTHING. WATCH THIS, DOC!" CRIED WILLY.

"THAT'S NOTHING. WATCH THIS, DOC!" CRIED WILLY. AND HE QUICKLY CRAWLED UP A

WATCH THIS, DOC!" CRIED WILLY. AND HE QUICKLY CRAWLED UP A ROCK, DOWN THE OTHER SIDE, OVER

AND HE QUICKLY CRAWLED UP A ROCK, DOWN THE OTHER SIDE, OVER A LOG, AROUND A STUMP, AND

ROCK, DOWN THE OTHER SIDE, OVER A LOG, AROUND A STUMP, AND PARTWAY ACROSS THE HIGHWAY,

A LOG, AROUND A STUMP, AND PARTWAY ACROSS THE HIGHWAY, WHERE HE WAS RUN OVER BY ANOTHER

PARTWAY ACROSS THE HIGHWAY, WHERE HE WAS RUN OVER BY ANOTHER TRUCK EVEN LARGER THAN THE

WHERE HE WAS RUN OVER BY ANOTHER TRUCK EVEN LARGER THAN THE FIRST.

TRUCK EVEN LARGER THAN THE FIRST. THIS TIME HIS FRONT HALF WAS

FIRST. THIS TIME HIS FRONT HALF WAS MASHED.

THIS TIME HIS FRONT HALF WAS MASHED. THE END.

MASHED. THE END. [GASPS]

THE END. [GASPS] OH, WHAT A FINE STORY,

[GASPS] OH, WHAT A FINE STORY, MONSIEUR MIKE.

OH, WHAT A FINE STORY, MONSIEUR MIKE. MERCI BEAUCOUP.

MONSIEUR MIKE. MERCI BEAUCOUP. WELL, YOU SAUCY SCAMP, HADN'T

MERCI BEAUCOUP. WELL, YOU SAUCY SCAMP, HADN'T YOU BETTER BE ATTENDING TO YOUR

WELL, YOU SAUCY SCAMP, HADN'T YOU BETTER BE ATTENDING TO YOUR MANY DUTIES?

YOU BETTER BE ATTENDING TO YOUR MANY DUTIES? BUT OF COURSE.

MANY DUTIES? BUT OF COURSE. IN CLOSING, I'D JUST LIKE TO

BUT OF COURSE. IN CLOSING, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT IT'S ALL VERY EASY TO

IN CLOSING, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT IT'S ALL VERY EASY TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF.

SAY THAT IT'S ALL VERY EASY TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF. THE DIFFICULT THING IS LEARNING

LAUGH AT YOURSELF. THE DIFFICULT THING IS LEARNING TO LAUGH AT OTHERS.

THE DIFFICULT THING IS LEARNING TO LAUGH AT OTHERS. OH, MONSIEUR MIKE!

TO LAUGH AT OTHERS. OH, MONSIEUR MIKE! MONSIEUR MIKE!

OH, MONSIEUR MIKE! MONSIEUR MIKE! I HAVE DROPPED MY FEATHER

MONSIEUR MIKE! I HAVE DROPPED MY FEATHER DUSTER!

I HAVE DROPPED MY FEATHER DUSTER! WILL YOU HELP ME RETRIEVE IT?

DUSTER! WILL YOU HELP ME RETRIEVE IT? WELL, I HAVE TO GO NOW.

WILL YOU HELP ME RETRIEVE IT? WELL, I HAVE TO GO NOW. I HAVE TO HELP FIFI RETRIEVER

WELL, I HAVE TO GO NOW. I HAVE TO HELP FIFI RETRIEVER HER FEATHER DUSTER.

I HAVE TO HELP FIFI RETRIEVER HER FEATHER DUSTER. GOOD NIGHT.

WELL, WHEN I OPENED UP HERE, I SAID I LOVED WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.

I SAID I LOVED WHAT I WAS GONNA DO. WELL, YOU KNOW, A FUNNY THING...

DO. WELL, YOU KNOW, A FUNNY THING... THINGS DON'T ALWAYS WORK OUT

WELL, YOU KNOW, A FUNNY THING... THINGS DON'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THAT WAY.

THINGS DON'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THAT WAY. I ACTUALLY DID LOVE WHAT I WAS

THAT WAY. I ACTUALLY DID LOVE WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S

I ACTUALLY DID LOVE WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S A LIVE SHOW, AND WE ALL STAYED

GOING TO DO, AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S A LIVE SHOW, AND WE ALL STAYED ALIVE... YOU ALL, WE ALL.

A LIVE SHOW, AND WE ALL STAYED ALIVE... YOU ALL, WE ALL. THAT MAKES IT NICE.

ALIVE... YOU ALL, WE ALL. THAT MAKES IT NICE. AND I TELL YOU WHAT ELSE MADE IT

THAT MAKES IT NICE. AND I TELL YOU WHAT ELSE MADE IT NICE... IF YOU COULD SEE SOME OF

AND I TELL YOU WHAT ELSE MADE IT NICE... IF YOU COULD SEE SOME OF THE BARE-ASS CHANGES I WAS

NICE... IF YOU COULD SEE SOME OF THE BARE-ASS CHANGES I WAS MAKING OFF THERE, YOU WOULD HAVE

THE BARE-ASS CHANGES I WAS MAKING OFF THERE, YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

MAKING OFF THERE, YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MORE...

THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MORE... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MORE... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: MR. MIKE PLAYED BY

MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE.

JOHN BELUSHI'S DOCTOR PLAYED BY

BOB WHITE.

NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, OUR HOST

WILL BE THAT MINNESOTA VIKING

FRAN TARKENTON WITH MUSICAL

GUEST LEO SAYER.

IT'S ALMOST 1:00 A.M., 12:00

CENTRAL TIME.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN

ARE?

WELL, THEY'RE RIGHT HERE WITH

ME, DON PARDO.

GOOD NIGHT!

[YAWNS]

COME ON, KIDS.

UNCLE DON'S GONNA TAKE YOU OUT

FOR A NIGHTCAP.