Original subtitles

OH, PATTY, I'M SO HAPPY YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS IN THAT AWFUL PRISON.

DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS IN THAT AWFUL PRISON. ME TOO, SIS.

HOLIDAYS IN THAT AWFUL PRISON. ME TOO, SIS. WELL, I'M VERY THANKFUL.

ME TOO, SIS. WELL, I'M VERY THANKFUL. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE

WELL, I'M VERY THANKFUL. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR. THE WORST IS OVER.

THANKFUL FOR. THE WORST IS OVER. YOU'RE HOME.

THE WORST IS OVER. YOU'RE HOME. AND WE'RE STILL RICH.

YOU'RE HOME. AND WE'RE STILL RICH. OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THIS.

AND WE'RE STILL RICH. OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THIS. WE'VE GOT "SHELTER" ON THE

OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THIS. WE'VE GOT "SHELTER" ON THE BOARD HERE.

WE'VE GOT "SHELTER" ON THE BOARD HERE. SO, THAT'S "T"...

BOARD HERE. SO, THAT'S "T"... "A"...

SO, THAT'S "T"... "A"... "X."

"A"... "X." "TAX SHELTER."

"X." "TAX SHELTER." A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE ON THE "X."

"TAX SHELTER." A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE ON THE "X." THAT'S 44 POINTS.

A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE ON THE "X." THAT'S 44 POINTS. [CHUCKLES]

THAT'S 44 POINTS. [CHUCKLES] VERY GOOD, RANDY.

[CHUCKLES] VERY GOOD, RANDY. NOW, LET'S SEE.

VERY GOOD, RANDY. NOW, LET'S SEE. THAT'S FATHER... 391.

NOW, LET'S SEE. THAT'S FATHER... 391. MOTHER, 304.

THAT'S FATHER... 391. MOTHER, 304. ANNE... YOU HAVE 217.

MOTHER, 304. ANNE... YOU HAVE 217. AND PATTY, 37.

ANNE... YOU HAVE 217. AND PATTY, 37. WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT

AND PATTY, 37. WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT SCRABBLE.

WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT SCRABBLE. YOU SHOULD TRY FOR LONGER

SCRABBLE. YOU SHOULD TRY FOR LONGER WORDS, PATTY.

YOU SHOULD TRY FOR LONGER WORDS, PATTY. I MEAN, "PIG" AND "GUN" AREN'T

WORDS, PATTY. I MEAN, "PIG" AND "GUN" AREN'T GONNA GET YOU MANY POINTS.

I MEAN, "PIG" AND "GUN" AREN'T GONNA GET YOU MANY POINTS. GO AHEAD, HONEY.

GONNA GET YOU MANY POINTS. GO AHEAD, HONEY. IT'S YOUR TURN.

GO AHEAD, HONEY. IT'S YOUR TURN. [SIGHS] OKAY.

IT'S YOUR TURN. [SIGHS] OKAY. THERE.

[SIGHS] OKAY. THERE. WHAT'S THAT WORD SUPPOSED TO

THERE. WHAT'S THAT WORD SUPPOSED TO BE?

WHAT'S THAT WORD SUPPOSED TO BE? "SLAW," LIKE IN "COLESLAW."

BE? "SLAW," LIKE IN "COLESLAW." YOU DON'T SPELL "SLAW" S-L-A.

"SLAW," LIKE IN "COLESLAW." YOU DON'T SPELL "SLAW" S-L-A. CHEATER!

YOU DON'T SPELL "SLAW" S-L-A. CHEATER! OH, YOU STOP IT!

CHEATER! OH, YOU STOP IT! OH, NOW, COME ON, GIRLS.

OH, YOU STOP IT! OH, NOW, COME ON, GIRLS. THERE, THERE, REALLY.

OH, NOW, COME ON, GIRLS. THERE, THERE, REALLY. NOW, ANNE, PATTY'S NOT CHEATING.

THERE, THERE, REALLY. NOW, ANNE, PATTY'S NOT CHEATING. SHE'S JUST CONFUSED.

NOW, ANNE, PATTY'S NOT CHEATING. SHE'S JUST CONFUSED. OH, PATTY'S CONFUSED.

SHE'S JUST CONFUSED. OH, PATTY'S CONFUSED. IT'S ALWAYS "PATTY" THIS AND

OH, PATTY'S CONFUSED. IT'S ALWAYS "PATTY" THIS AND "PATTY" THAT.

IT'S ALWAYS "PATTY" THIS AND "PATTY" THAT. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THE REAL

"PATTY" THAT. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THE REAL VICTIM IS?

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THE REAL VICTIM IS? ME! ME! ME!

VICTIM IS? ME! ME! ME! COME ON, GIRLS.

ME! ME! ME! COME ON, GIRLS. HERE COMES MISS PATTY'S

COME ON, GIRLS. HERE COMES MISS PATTY'S FAVORITE.

HERE COMES MISS PATTY'S FAVORITE. EGGNOG ALA FRANKLIN.

FAVORITE. EGGNOG ALA FRANKLIN. THANK YOU, FRANKLIN.

EGGNOG ALA FRANKLIN. THANK YOU, FRANKLIN. YOU'RE WELCOME, MISS HEARST.

THANK YOU, FRANKLIN. YOU'RE WELCOME, MISS HEARST. MMM. IT'S GOOD.

YOU'RE WELCOME, MISS HEARST. MMM. IT'S GOOD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

MMM. IT'S GOOD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FRANKLIN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FRANKLIN. FRANKLIN, DO YOU FEEL

FRANKLIN. FRANKLIN, DO YOU FEEL EXPLOITED BY MY FAMILY?

FRANKLIN, DO YOU FEEL EXPLOITED BY MY FAMILY? UH... WHY, NO, MISS HEARST.

EXPLOITED BY MY FAMILY? UH... WHY, NO, MISS HEARST. I DON'T FEEL EXPLOITED.

UH... WHY, NO, MISS HEARST. I DON'T FEEL EXPLOITED. FRANKLIN, TAKE NEXT WEEK OFF.

I DON'T FEEL EXPLOITED. FRANKLIN, TAKE NEXT WEEK OFF. YOU DESERVE IT.

FRANKLIN, TAKE NEXT WEEK OFF. YOU DESERVE IT. THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU DESERVE IT. THANK YOU, SIR. WHY DON'T WE PUT AWAY THE

THANK YOU, SIR. WHY DON'T WE PUT AWAY THE SCRABBLE GAME AND JUST RELAX

WHY DON'T WE PUT AWAY THE SCRABBLE GAME AND JUST RELAX WITH SOME TV?

SCRABBLE GAME AND JUST RELAX WITH SOME TV? GOOD IDEA.

WITH SOME TV? GOOD IDEA. LET'S ESCAPE INTO THE TV.

GOOD IDEA. LET'S ESCAPE INTO THE TV. [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

LET'S ESCAPE INTO THE TV. [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] TONIGHT ON "S.W.A.T.," A

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] TONIGHT ON "S.W.A.T.," A WEALTHY NEWSPAPER HEIRESS IS

TONIGHT ON "S.W.A.T.," A WEALTHY NEWSPAPER HEIRESS IS KIDNAPPED BY A RADICAL TERRORIST

WEALTHY NEWSPAPER HEIRESS IS KIDNAPPED BY A RADICAL TERRORIST GROUP, RANSOM FOR A CHINA D...

KIDNAPPED BY A RADICAL TERRORIST GROUP, RANSOM FOR A CHINA D... A KIDNAP VICTIM BECOMES THE

GROUP, RANSOM FOR A CHINA D... A KIDNAP VICTIM BECOMES THE UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE IN A BANK

A KIDNAP VICTIM BECOMES THE UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE IN A BANK ROBBERY ON "HAWAII..."

UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE IN A BANK ROBBERY ON "HAWAII..." TONIGHT ON "CINEMA CLASSICS,"

ROBBERY ON "HAWAII..." TONIGHT ON "CINEMA CLASSICS," ORSON WELLES' IMMORTAL "CITIZEN

TONIGHT ON "CINEMA CLASSICS," ORSON WELLES' IMMORTAL "CITIZEN KANE."

ORSON WELLES' IMMORTAL "CITIZEN KANE." WE AT KNOO FEEL THAT PATTY

KANE." WE AT KNOO FEEL THAT PATTY HAS BEEN EXPLOITED BY THE MEDIA.

WE AT KNOO FEEL THAT PATTY HAS BEEN EXPLOITED BY THE MEDIA. WHERE IS THE DECENCY THAT SHOULD

HAS BEEN EXPLOITED BY THE MEDIA. WHERE IS THE DECENCY THAT SHOULD BE AFFORDED THIS YOUNG GIRL WHO

WHERE IS THE DECENCY THAT SHOULD BE AFFORDED THIS YOUNG GIRL WHO HAS UNDERGONE S...

BE AFFORDED THIS YOUNG GIRL WHO HAS UNDERGONE S... WHAT SHOW IS THIS?

HAS UNDERGONE S... WHAT SHOW IS THIS? OH, IT'S NBC's "SATURDAY

WHAT SHOW IS THIS? OH, IT'S NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT."

OH, IT'S NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT." IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.

NIGHT." IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW. I USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME

IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW. I USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME IN PRISON.

I USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME IN PRISON. I COULD ALWAYS DEPEND ON IT

IN PRISON. I COULD ALWAYS DEPEND ON IT BEING TASTEFUL.

I COULD ALWAYS DEPEND ON IT BEING TASTEFUL. OH, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART,

BEING TASTEFUL. OH, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART, WHERE THEY SAY...

OH, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART, WHERE THEY SAY... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

WHERE THEY SAY... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT"... STARRING CANDICE BERGEN...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUEST, FRANK ZAPPA...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CANDICE BERGEN!

CANDY? THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU. YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT.

THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU. YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT. THE SHOW'S STARTED.

YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT. THE SHOW'S STARTED. UM... I-I REALLY CAN'T DO IT,

THE SHOW'S STARTED. UM... I-I REALLY CAN'T DO IT, JANE.

UM... I-I REALLY CAN'T DO IT, JANE. I'M JUST TOO FRIGHTENED.

JANE. I'M JUST TOO FRIGHTENED. CANDY, THAT'S SILLY!

I'M JUST TOO FRIGHTENED. CANDY, THAT'S SILLY! YOU'VE DONE THE SHOW BEFORE, AND

CANDY, THAT'S SILLY! YOU'VE DONE THE SHOW BEFORE, AND IT WAS GREAT.

YOU'VE DONE THE SHOW BEFORE, AND IT WAS GREAT. WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I ONLY

IT WAS GREAT. WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I ONLY DID IT TO BE CLOSE TO HIM, JANE.

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I ONLY DID IT TO BE CLOSE TO HIM, JANE. DON'T YOU SEE?

DID IT TO BE CLOSE TO HIM, JANE. DON'T YOU SEE? WHEN I WAS WITH HIM, I WASN'T

DON'T YOU SEE? WHEN I WAS WITH HIM, I WASN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING!

WHEN I WAS WITH HIM, I WASN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING! CANDY, FORGET HIM,

AFRAID OF ANYTHING! CANDY, FORGET HIM, HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

CANDY, FORGET HIM, HE'S NOT WORTH IT. NO MAN IS, ESPECIALLY

HE'S NOT WORTH IT. NO MAN IS, ESPECIALLY JOHN BELUSHI.

NO MAN IS, ESPECIALLY JOHN BELUSHI. I CAN'T FORGET HIM, JANE.

JOHN BELUSHI. I CAN'T FORGET HIM, JANE. WE SHARED SO MUCH TOGETHER.

I CAN'T FORGET HIM, JANE. WE SHARED SO MUCH TOGETHER. WHEN HE HELD ME IN HIS ARMS, WE

WE SHARED SO MUCH TOGETHER. WHEN HE HELD ME IN HIS ARMS, WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WHEN HE HELD ME IN HIS ARMS, WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL. CANDY, THAT WAS CELLULITE YOU

HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL. CANDY, THAT WAS CELLULITE YOU FELT.

CANDY, THAT WAS CELLULITE YOU FELT. IT'S NOT CELLULITE.

FELT. IT'S NOT CELLULITE. JOHN JUST GIVES THAT APPEARANCE

IT'S NOT CELLULITE. JOHN JUST GIVES THAT APPEARANCE ON TELEVISION.

JOHN JUST GIVES THAT APPEARANCE ON TELEVISION. HE EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

ON TELEVISION. HE EXPLAINED IT TO ME. THE CAMERA MAKES HIM LOOK 50

HE EXPLAINED IT TO ME. THE CAMERA MAKES HIM LOOK 50 POUNDS HEAVIER.

THE CAMERA MAKES HIM LOOK 50 POUNDS HEAVIER. JANE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

POUNDS HEAVIER. JANE, WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S JOHN AGAIN.

JANE, WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S JOHN AGAIN. [SIGHS]

IT'S JOHN AGAIN. [SIGHS] I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

[SIGHS] I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. WHAT IS THIS POWER THAT BELUSHI

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. WHAT IS THIS POWER THAT BELUSHI HAS OVER WOMEN?

WHAT IS THIS POWER THAT BELUSHI HAS OVER WOMEN? THEY GO BONKERS OVER HIM, AND

HAS OVER WOMEN? THEY GO BONKERS OVER HIM, AND ALL HE DOES IS WALK ALL OVER

THEY GO BONKERS OVER HIM, AND ALL HE DOES IS WALK ALL OVER THEM.

ALL HE DOES IS WALK ALL OVER THEM. SHE WON'T COME OUT?

THEM. SHE WON'T COME OUT? NO.

SHE WON'T COME OUT? NO. I'LL FIND JOHN.

NO. I'LL FIND JOHN. OKAY.

I'LL FIND JOHN. OKAY. STAY WITH CANDY.

OKAY. STAY WITH CANDY. OKAY.

STAY WITH CANDY. OKAY. CANDY, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO

OKAY. CANDY, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF.

CANDY, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF. I DON'T CARE, JANE.

YOURSELF. I DON'T CARE, JANE. WHY WON'T JOHN AT LEAST TALK TO

I DON'T CARE, JANE. WHY WON'T JOHN AT LEAST TALK TO ME?

WHY WON'T JOHN AT LEAST TALK TO ME? BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL.

ME? BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL. I KNOW.

BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL. I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM. CANDY, HE'S NO GOOD.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM. CANDY, HE'S NO GOOD. HE'S HAD HIS WAY WITH EVERY

CANDY, HE'S NO GOOD. HE'S HAD HIS WAY WITH EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ON THIS NETWORK.

HE'S HAD HIS WAY WITH EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ON THIS NETWORK. WHY DO YOU THINK BARBARA WALTERS

SINGLE WOMAN ON THIS NETWORK. WHY DO YOU THINK BARBARA WALTERS LEFT?

WHY DO YOU THINK BARBARA WALTERS LEFT? IT WASN'T MONEY.

LEFT? IT WASN'T MONEY. IT WAS BELUSHI.

IT WASN'T MONEY. IT WAS BELUSHI. CANDY, COME ON.

IT WAS BELUSHI. CANDY, COME ON. PLEASE?

CANDY, COME ON. PLEASE? I'M SORRY, JANE.

PLEASE? I'M SORRY, JANE. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS FOR

I'M SORRY, JANE. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT? GO AWAY!

YOU, ALL RIGHT? GO AWAY! CANDY?

GO AWAY! CANDY? GET OUT HERE.

CANDY? GET OUT HERE. JOHN?

GET OUT HERE. JOHN? OH, JOHN.

JOHN? OH, JOHN. CANDY.

OH, JOHN. CANDY. LISTEN, CANDY, BABY.

CANDY. LISTEN, CANDY, BABY. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BUT... BUT

LISTEN, CANDY, BABY. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BUT... BUT IT'S OVER.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BUT... BUT IT'S OVER. IT CAN'T BE.

IT'S OVER. IT CAN'T BE. YOU'RE JUST ANGRY, THAT'S ALL.

IT CAN'T BE. YOU'RE JUST ANGRY, THAT'S ALL. LISTEN, JOHN, I'LL DO ANYTHING.

YOU'RE JUST ANGRY, THAT'S ALL. LISTEN, JOHN, I'LL DO ANYTHING. I DON'T CARE!

LISTEN, JOHN, I'LL DO ANYTHING. I DON'T CARE! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I DON'T CARE! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? IT'S NOT YOU, CANDY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? IT'S NOT YOU, CANDY. IT'S ME.

IT'S NOT YOU, CANDY. IT'S ME. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL

IT'S ME. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

YOU? IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'LL ONLY HURT YOU!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'LL ONLY HURT YOU! I KNOW, I KNOW!

I'LL ONLY HURT YOU! I KNOW, I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT I WANT, JOHN!

I KNOW, I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT I WANT, JOHN! JOHN, NICE GUYS ARE A DIME A

THAT'S WHAT I WANT, JOHN! JOHN, NICE GUYS ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

JOHN, NICE GUYS ARE A DIME A DOZEN. I'M ATTRACTED TO... SWILL!

DOZEN. I'M ATTRACTED TO... SWILL! AH, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE

I'M ATTRACTED TO... SWILL! AH, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU TOLD ME RIGHT NOW.

AH, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU TOLD ME RIGHT NOW. YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO GET WHAT

ANYTHING YOU TOLD ME RIGHT NOW. YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. JOHN, CAN'T YOU JUST THINK

YOU WANT. JOHN, CAN'T YOU JUST THINK ABOUT US?

JOHN, CAN'T YOU JUST THINK ABOUT US? THERE IS NO US, CANDY.

ABOUT US? THERE IS NO US, CANDY. ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS

THERE IS NO US, CANDY. ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS YOURSELF!

ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS YOURSELF! ONE WOMAN HURTS YOU, AND YOU

YOURSELF! ONE WOMAN HURTS YOU, AND YOU JUST TAKE IT OUT ON THE REST OF

ONE WOMAN HURTS YOU, AND YOU JUST TAKE IT OUT ON THE REST OF THE WORLD!

JUST TAKE IT OUT ON THE REST OF THE WORLD! YOU'RE A COWARD AND A WEAKLING!

THE WORLD! YOU'RE A COWARD AND A WEAKLING! I'M SORRY, JOHN.

YOU'RE A COWARD AND A WEAKLING! I'M SORRY, JOHN. I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M SORRY, JOHN. I'M REALLY SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY. DID I HURT YOU?

I'M REALLY SORRY. DID I HURT YOU? YES, VERY MUCH.

DID I HURT YOU? YES, VERY MUCH. I REALLY... I'M SO SORRY.

YES, VERY MUCH. I REALLY... I'M SO SORRY. YOU KNOW I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING

I REALLY... I'M SO SORRY. YOU KNOW I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.

YOU KNOW I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU. YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER

TO HURT YOU. YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER LOVED.

YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER LOVED. YES, AND I LOVE YOU, TOO.

LOVED. YES, AND I LOVE YOU, TOO. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET YOU OUT

YES, AND I LOVE YOU, TOO. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET YOU OUT THERE ON THAT STAGE.

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET YOU OUT THERE ON THAT STAGE. ARE YOU NOT JUST SAYING THAT

THERE ON THAT STAGE. ARE YOU NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME GO?

ARE YOU NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME GO? I'M SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S

TO MAKE ME GO? I'M SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH, SANDY!

I'M SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH, SANDY! CANDY.

THE TRUTH, SANDY! CANDY. CANDY.

CANDY. CANDY. IT'S THE TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW IT.

CANDY. IT'S THE TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT THERE.

IT'S THE TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT THERE. ["AS TIME GOES BY" PLAYS]

YOU HAVE TO GET OUT THERE. ["AS TIME GOES BY" PLAYS] NOW, LISTEN.

["AS TIME GOES BY" PLAYS] NOW, LISTEN. LOOK, I'M NO GOOD AT BEING

NOW, LISTEN. LOOK, I'M NO GOOD AT BEING NOBLE.

LOOK, I'M NO GOOD AT BEING NOBLE. BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE

NOBLE. BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE THAT THE PROBLEMS OF TWO LITTLE

BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE THAT THE PROBLEMS OF TWO LITTLE PEOPLE DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF

THAT THE PROBLEMS OF TWO LITTLE PEOPLE DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.

PEOPLE DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD. YOU SEE, INSIDE OF US, WE BOTH

BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD. YOU SEE, INSIDE OF US, WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU BELONG UP ON THAT

YOU SEE, INSIDE OF US, WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU BELONG UP ON THAT STAGE.

KNOW THAT YOU BELONG UP ON THAT STAGE. YOU'RE PART OF THE SHOW, THE

STAGE. YOU'RE PART OF THE SHOW, THE THING THAT KEEPS IT GOING.

YOU'RE PART OF THE SHOW, THE THING THAT KEEPS IT GOING. AND IF THAT SHOW STARTS AND

THING THAT KEEPS IT GOING. AND IF THAT SHOW STARTS AND YOU'RE NOT ON IT, YOU'LL REGRET

AND IF THAT SHOW STARTS AND YOU'RE NOT ON IT, YOU'LL REGRET IT.

YOU'RE NOT ON IT, YOU'LL REGRET IT. I WON'T.

IT. I WON'T. NO, I...

I WON'T. NO, I... MAYBE NOT NOW, MAYBE NOT

NO, I... MAYBE NOT NOW, MAYBE NOT TOMORROW, BUT SOON AND FOR THE

MAYBE NOT NOW, MAYBE NOT TOMORROW, BUT SOON AND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

TOMORROW, BUT SOON AND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. [AIRPLANE ENGINE TURNS OVER]

REST OF YOUR LIFE. [AIRPLANE ENGINE TURNS OVER] THE LAST PLANE FOR LISBON NOW

[AIRPLANE ENGINE TURNS OVER] THE LAST PLANE FOR LISBON NOW DEPARTING.

THE LAST PLANE FOR LISBON NOW DEPARTING. UM... WHAT ABOUT US, JOHN?

DEPARTING. UM... WHAT ABOUT US, JOHN? WELL, WE STILL HAVE PARIS...

UM... WHAT ABOUT US, JOHN? WELL, WE STILL HAVE PARIS... AND THE MUPPETS.

WELL, WE STILL HAVE PARIS... AND THE MUPPETS. WELL...

AND THE MUPPETS. WELL... HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.

WELL... HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID. YOU BETTER GO.

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID. YOU BETTER GO. HI, LOUIE.

YOU BETTER GO. HI, LOUIE. ["AS TIME GOES BY" CONTINUES]

HI, LOUIE. ["AS TIME GOES BY" CONTINUES] GOOD MORNING, MR. RICK,

["AS TIME GOES BY" CONTINUES] GOOD MORNING, MR. RICK, MISS ILSA.

GOOD MORNING, MR. RICK, MISS ILSA. HELLO, SAM.

MISS ILSA. HELLO, SAM. BOY, YOU SOUND AS GOOD AS EVER.

HELLO, SAM. BOY, YOU SOUND AS GOOD AS EVER. LISTEN UP, SAM, YOU CAN CLOSE

BOY, YOU SOUND AS GOOD AS EVER. LISTEN UP, SAM, YOU CAN CLOSE UP FOR THE NIGHT.

LISTEN UP, SAM, YOU CAN CLOSE UP FOR THE NIGHT. ALL RIGHT, MR. RICK.

UP FOR THE NIGHT. ALL RIGHT, MR. RICK. LISTEN, UH... CANDY.

ALL RIGHT, MR. RICK. LISTEN, UH... CANDY. YOU DO A GOOD SHOW, AND MAYBE...

LISTEN, UH... CANDY. YOU DO A GOOD SHOW, AND MAYBE... JUST MAYBE... AFTERWARDS, WE CAN

YOU DO A GOOD SHOW, AND MAYBE... JUST MAYBE... AFTERWARDS, WE CAN HAVE A DRINK LATER.

JUST MAYBE... AFTERWARDS, WE CAN HAVE A DRINK LATER. MY PLACE?

HAVE A DRINK LATER. MY PLACE? THAT'S FINE.

MY PLACE? THAT'S FINE. THE THING IS, I DON'T EVEN

THAT'S FINE. THE THING IS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP.

THE THING IS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP. YOU'RE SUCH A FILTHY LIAR.

KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP. YOU'RE SUCH A FILTHY LIAR. YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME THE TRUTH.

YOU'RE SUCH A FILTHY LIAR. YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME THE TRUTH. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU,

YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME THE TRUTH. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU, JOHN.

I GUESS THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU, JOHN. I THINK THIS COULD BE THE START

JOHN. I THINK THIS COULD BE THE START OF... OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

I THINK THIS COULD BE THE START OF... OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

OF... OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS. IF YOU REMEMBER MY CAMPAIGN FOR

AMERICANS. IF YOU REMEMBER MY CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT, I PROMISED TO KEEP

IF YOU REMEMBER MY CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT, I PROMISED TO KEEP EVERY PROMISE I MADE.

PRESIDENT, I PROMISED TO KEEP EVERY PROMISE I MADE. TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

EVERY PROMISE I MADE. TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT

TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE. YOU SEE, I'M NOW PRIVY TO

WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE. YOU SEE, I'M NOW PRIVY TO INFORMATION THAT ONLY A

YOU SEE, I'M NOW PRIVY TO INFORMATION THAT ONLY A PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TO, AND I'M

INFORMATION THAT ONLY A PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TO, AND I'M BEGINNING TO APPRECIATE JUST HOW

PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TO, AND I'M BEGINNING TO APPRECIATE JUST HOW GOOD A PRESIDENT GERALD FORD HAS

BEGINNING TO APPRECIATE JUST HOW GOOD A PRESIDENT GERALD FORD HAS BEEN.

GOOD A PRESIDENT GERALD FORD HAS BEEN. CONSIDERING TODAY'S HARSH

BEEN. CONSIDERING TODAY'S HARSH ECONOMIC REALITIES... FOR

CONSIDERING TODAY'S HARSH ECONOMIC REALITIES... FOR EXAMPLE, I PROMISED THAT I WOULD

ECONOMIC REALITIES... FOR EXAMPLE, I PROMISED THAT I WOULD BOTH BALANCE THE BUDGET AND

EXAMPLE, I PROMISED THAT I WOULD BOTH BALANCE THE BUDGET AND REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT.

BOTH BALANCE THE BUDGET AND REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT. WELL, IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE DONE.

REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT. WELL, IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE DONE. NO WAY.

WELL, IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE DONE. NO WAY. IT JUST LOOKS BAD.

NO WAY. IT JUST LOOKS BAD. IF YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAPERS

IT JUST LOOKS BAD. IF YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAPERS AND THE BRIEFS AND INFORMATION

IF YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAPERS AND THE BRIEFS AND INFORMATION THAT I READ... WELL, AS

AND THE BRIEFS AND INFORMATION THAT I READ... WELL, AS BOB DYLAN SAID, "IT BLOWS MY

THAT I READ... WELL, AS BOB DYLAN SAID, "IT BLOWS MY MIND."

BOB DYLAN SAID, "IT BLOWS MY MIND." NOW, LOOK... THE ECONOMY OF THE

MIND." NOW, LOOK... THE ECONOMY OF THE ENTIRE WORLD IS IN A TAILSPIN.

NOW, LOOK... THE ECONOMY OF THE ENTIRE WORLD IS IN A TAILSPIN. NOW, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE

ENTIRE WORLD IS IN A TAILSPIN. NOW, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

NOW, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. I NEVER DID.

ANSWERS. I NEVER DID. BUT I HAVE DEVELOPED A PLAN TO

I NEVER DID. BUT I HAVE DEVELOPED A PLAN TO SAVE THE WORLD ECONOMY.

BUT I HAVE DEVELOPED A PLAN TO SAVE THE WORLD ECONOMY. BUT THAT'S GONNA TAKE ME AT

SAVE THE WORLD ECONOMY. BUT THAT'S GONNA TAKE ME AT LEAST FOUR YEARS TO GET STARTED,

BUT THAT'S GONNA TAKE ME AT LEAST FOUR YEARS TO GET STARTED, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE

LEAST FOUR YEARS TO GET STARTED, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD.

BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD. SO, DON'T EXPECT THINGS TO START

PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD. SO, DON'T EXPECT THINGS TO START IMPROVING UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF

SO, DON'T EXPECT THINGS TO START IMPROVING UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF MY SECOND TERM.

IMPROVING UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF MY SECOND TERM. BUT I DO PROMISE THAT, BY 1984,

MY SECOND TERM. BUT I DO PROMISE THAT, BY 1984, WELL, WE'LL HAVE A BALANCED

BUT I DO PROMISE THAT, BY 1984, WELL, WE'LL HAVE A BALANCED BUDGET AND FULL EMPLOYMENT.

WELL, WE'LL HAVE A BALANCED BUDGET AND FULL EMPLOYMENT. AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT!

BUDGET AND FULL EMPLOYMENT. AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT! I LOVE YOU ALL.

AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT! I LOVE YOU ALL. GOD BLESS.

I LOVE YOU ALL. GOD BLESS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND THANK YOU

GOD BLESS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME YOUR PRESIDENT!

I'M NEXT! ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? SURE! YOU KNOW.

THIS? SURE! YOU KNOW. I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY.

SURE! YOU KNOW. I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY. THIS TIME OF YEAR DOES SOMETHING

I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY. THIS TIME OF YEAR DOES SOMETHING TO ME.

THIS TIME OF YEAR DOES SOMETHING TO ME. I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID.

TO ME. I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID. MAKE IT QUICK, THOUGH.

I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID. MAKE IT QUICK, THOUGH. WE GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO.

MAKE IT QUICK, THOUGH. WE GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO. OH, DON'T BE SUCH A SCROOGE.

WE GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO. OH, DON'T BE SUCH A SCROOGE. WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT?

OH, DON'T BE SUCH A SCROOGE. WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT? AHH, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT? AHH, MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOBBY!

AHH, MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOBBY! I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOBBY! I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE. OHH.

I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE. OHH. HERE YOU GO.

OHH. HERE YOU GO. HO HO HO.

HERE YOU GO. HO HO HO. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

HO HO HO. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? RELAX!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? RELAX! I SAID I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.

RELAX! I SAID I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE. WHAT IS THIS?

I SAID I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE. WHAT IS THIS? IT'S FOR PROTECTION.

WHAT IS THIS? IT'S FOR PROTECTION. TOILET TISSUE?

IT'S FOR PROTECTION. TOILET TISSUE? YOU MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF

TOILET TISSUE? YOU MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF SANTI-WRAP?

YOU MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF SANTI-WRAP? SURE, IT'S SANTI-WRAP,

SANTI-WRAP? SURE, IT'S SANTI-WRAP, THE COLORFUL, DECORATIVE, AND

SURE, IT'S SANTI-WRAP, THE COLORFUL, DECORATIVE, AND HYGIENIC WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF

THE COLORFUL, DECORATIVE, AND HYGIENIC WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM GERMS CARRIED BY THE LIKES

HYGIENIC WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM GERMS CARRIED BY THE LIKES OF A PART-TIME SANTA CLAUS.

FROM GERMS CARRIED BY THE LIKES OF A PART-TIME SANTA CLAUS. HO HO HO.

OF A PART-TIME SANTA CLAUS. HO HO HO. LOOK, HE'S SO JOLLY.

HO HO HO. LOOK, HE'S SO JOLLY. HE'S SMART.

LOOK, HE'S SO JOLLY. HE'S SMART. HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN

HE'S SMART. HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING.

HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN

SLEEPING. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN SLEEPING?

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN SLEEPING? THAT'S JUST IT.

SLEEPING? THAT'S JUST IT. LOOK, LARAINE, I LOVE SANTA JUST

THAT'S JUST IT. LOOK, LARAINE, I LOVE SANTA JUST AS MUCH AS ANYBODY ELSE, BUT

LOOK, LARAINE, I LOVE SANTA JUST AS MUCH AS ANYBODY ELSE, BUT DECEMBER 26th, NOEL OVER HERE

AS MUCH AS ANYBODY ELSE, BUT DECEMBER 26th, NOEL OVER HERE GOES BACK TO THE "Y."

DECEMBER 26th, NOEL OVER HERE GOES BACK TO THE "Y." HO HO HO!

GOES BACK TO THE "Y." HO HO HO! BUT WON'T TOILET PAPER

HO HO HO! BUT WON'T TOILET PAPER PROTECT ME?

BUT WON'T TOILET PAPER PROTECT ME? TWO-PLY? NEVER.

PROTECT ME? TWO-PLY? NEVER. NOT THESE GERMS.

TWO-PLY? NEVER. NOT THESE GERMS. LET ME SHOW YOU.

NOT THESE GERMS. LET ME SHOW YOU. THIS IS A PICTURE OF SANTA'S

LET ME SHOW YOU. THIS IS A PICTURE OF SANTA'S LEG.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF SANTA'S LEG. SEEMS NORMAL, BUT LOOK AT THE

LEG. SEEMS NORMAL, BUT LOOK AT THE SAME PICTURE MAGNIFIED UNDER A

SEEMS NORMAL, BUT LOOK AT THE SAME PICTURE MAGNIFIED UNDER A MICROSCOPE.

SAME PICTURE MAGNIFIED UNDER A MICROSCOPE. ARE THOSE SANTA'S HELPERS?

MICROSCOPE. ARE THOSE SANTA'S HELPERS? YES, THOSE ARE SANTA'S

ARE THOSE SANTA'S HELPERS? YES, THOSE ARE SANTA'S HELPERS, AND THEY'RE

YES, THOSE ARE SANTA'S HELPERS, AND THEY'RE COMMUNICABLE.

HELPERS, AND THEY'RE COMMUNICABLE. NOW, WILL YOU STOP USING THE

COMMUNICABLE. NOW, WILL YOU STOP USING THE TWO-PLY?

NOW, WILL YOU STOP USING THE TWO-PLY? WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN!

TWO-PLY? WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN! OKAY, I WANT A CAR AND A

WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN! OKAY, I WANT A CAR AND A REFRIGERATOR, AND...

OKAY, I WANT A CAR AND A REFRIGERATOR, AND... USE SANTI-WRAPS, AND I

REFRIGERATOR, AND... USE SANTI-WRAPS, AND I PROMISE YOU WON'T GET ONE TICK

USE SANTI-WRAPS, AND I PROMISE YOU WON'T GET ONE TICK FROM JOLLY ST. NICK.

PROMISE YOU WON'T GET ONE TICK FROM JOLLY ST. NICK. HO HO HO.

FROM JOLLY ST. NICK. HO HO HO. HO HO.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS TREAT... THE MELLOW SOUNDS OF

GENTLEMEN, A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS TREAT... THE MELLOW SOUNDS OF FRANK ZAPPA.

TREAT... THE MELLOW SOUNDS OF FRANK ZAPPA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FRANK ZAPPA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "I'M THE SLIME"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "I'M THE SLIME" PLAYS]

♪ I AM GROSS AND PERVERTED ♪ ♪ I'M OBSESSED AND DERANGED ♪ ♪ I HAVE EXISTED FOR YEARS ♪

♪ I'M OBSESSED AND DERANGED ♪ ♪ I HAVE EXISTED FOR YEARS ♪ ♪ BUT VERY LITTLE HAD CHANGED ♪

♪ I HAVE EXISTED FOR YEARS ♪ ♪ BUT VERY LITTLE HAD CHANGED ♪ ♪ I'M THE TOOL OF THE

♪ BUT VERY LITTLE HAD CHANGED ♪ ♪ I'M THE TOOL OF THE GOVERNMENT ♪

♪ I'M THE TOOL OF THE GOVERNMENT ♪ ♪ AND INDUSTRY, TOO ♪

GOVERNMENT ♪ ♪ AND INDUSTRY, TOO ♪ ♪ FOR I AM DESTINED TO RULE ♪

♪ AND INDUSTRY, TOO ♪ ♪ FOR I AM DESTINED TO RULE ♪ ♪ AND REGULATE YOU ♪

♪ FOR I AM DESTINED TO RULE ♪ ♪ AND REGULATE YOU ♪ ♪ I MIGHT BE VILE AND

♪ AND REGULATE YOU ♪ ♪ I MIGHT BE VILE AND PERNICIOUS ♪

♪ I MIGHT BE VILE AND PERNICIOUS ♪ ♪ BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY ♪

PERNICIOUS ♪ ♪ BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY ♪ ♪ I MAKE YOU THINK I'M

♪ BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY ♪ ♪ I MAKE YOU THINK I'M DELICIOUS ♪

♪ I MAKE YOU THINK I'M DELICIOUS ♪ ♪ WITH THE STUFF THAT I SAY ♪

DELICIOUS ♪ ♪ WITH THE STUFF THAT I SAY ♪ ♪ I'M THE BEST YOU CAN GET ♪

♪ WITH THE STUFF THAT I SAY ♪ ♪ I'M THE BEST YOU CAN GET ♪ ♪ HAVE YOU GUESSED ME YET? ♪

♪ I'M THE BEST YOU CAN GET ♪ ♪ HAVE YOU GUESSED ME YET? ♪ ♪ I'M THE SLIME OOZIN' OUT ♪

♪ HAVE YOU GUESSED ME YET? ♪ ♪ I'M THE SLIME OOZIN' OUT ♪ ♪ FROM YOUR... ♪

♪ I'M THE SLIME OOZIN' OUT ♪ ♪ FROM YOUR... ♪ TAKE IT AWAY, DON PARDO!

♪ FROM YOUR... ♪ TAKE IT AWAY, DON PARDO! Announcer: YOU WILL OBEY ME

TAKE IT AWAY, DON PARDO! Announcer: YOU WILL OBEY ME WHILE I LEAD YOU, AND EAT THE

Announcer: YOU WILL OBEY ME WHILE I LEAD YOU, AND EAT THE GARBAGE THAT I FEED YOU UNTIL

WHILE I LEAD YOU, AND EAT THE GARBAGE THAT I FEED YOU UNTIL THE DAY THAT WE DON'T NEED YOU.

GARBAGE THAT I FEED YOU UNTIL THE DAY THAT WE DON'T NEED YOU. DON'T GO FOR HELP.

THE DAY THAT WE DON'T NEED YOU. DON'T GO FOR HELP. NO ONE WILL HEED YOU.

DON'T GO FOR HELP. NO ONE WILL HEED YOU. YOUR MIND IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED.

NO ONE WILL HEED YOU. YOUR MIND IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED. IT HAS BEEN STUFFED INTO MY

YOUR MIND IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED. IT HAS BEEN STUFFED INTO MY MOLD.

IT HAS BEEN STUFFED INTO MY MOLD. AND YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD

MOLD. AND YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD UNTIL THE RIGHTS TO YOU ARE

AND YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD UNTIL THE RIGHTS TO YOU ARE SOLD.

UNTIL THE RIGHTS TO YOU ARE SOLD. TAKE IT AWAY, FRANK!

SOLD. TAKE IT AWAY, FRANK! THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, DON'T

TAKE IT AWAY, FRANK! THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL.

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL. ♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR

TOUCH THAT DIAL. ♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR VIDEO ♪

♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR VIDEO ♪ ♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR

VIDEO ♪ ♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪

♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪ ♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR

LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪ ♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR VIDEO ♪

♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR VIDEO ♪ Announcer: IT'S ME, FRANK.

VIDEO ♪ Announcer: IT'S ME, FRANK. I AM SLIME.

Announcer: IT'S ME, FRANK. I AM SLIME. I AM SLIME!

I AM SLIME. I AM SLIME! THAT'S RIGHT, DON!

I AM SLIME! THAT'S RIGHT, DON! ♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR

THAT'S RIGHT, DON! ♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪

♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪ ♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR

LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪ ♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR VIDEO ♪

♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR VIDEO ♪ ♪ CAN'T STOP THE SLIME ♪

VIDEO ♪ ♪ CAN'T STOP THE SLIME ♪ ♪ PEOPLE, LOOK AT ME GO ♪

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO THE HOLIDAY EDITION OF "CONSUMER PROBE."

THE HOLIDAY EDITION OF "CONSUMER PROBE." OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT IS UNSAFE

PROBE." OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT IS UNSAFE TOYS FOR CHILDREN... FOR

OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT IS UNSAFE TOYS FOR CHILDREN... FOR INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE

TOYS FOR CHILDREN... FOR INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE BOW-AND-ARROW SET.

INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE BOW-AND-ARROW SET. PULL THE RUBBER SUCTION CUPS

BOW-AND-ARROW SET. PULL THE RUBBER SUCTION CUPS OFF, AND THE ARROWS BECOME

PULL THE RUBBER SUCTION CUPS OFF, AND THE ARROWS BECOME DANGEROUS MISSILES.

OFF, AND THE ARROWS BECOME DANGEROUS MISSILES. WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT

DANGEROUS MISSILES. WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF

WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF MAINWAY TOYS.

MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF MAINWAY TOYS. UH, MR. MAINWAY, YOUR COMPANY

MAINWAY TOYS. UH, MR. MAINWAY, YOUR COMPANY MANUFACTURES THE FOLLOWING

UH, MR. MAINWAY, YOUR COMPANY MANUFACTURES THE FOLLOWING SO-CALLED HARMLESS PLAYTHINGS...

MANUFACTURES THE FOLLOWING SO-CALLED HARMLESS PLAYTHINGS... PRETTY PEGGY EAR-PIERCING SET,

SO-CALLED HARMLESS PLAYTHINGS... PRETTY PEGGY EAR-PIERCING SET, MR. SKIN-GRAFTER,

PRETTY PEGGY EAR-PIERCING SET, MR. SKIN-GRAFTER, GENERAL TRON'S SECRET POLICE

MR. SKIN-GRAFTER, GENERAL TRON'S SECRET POLICE CONFESSION KIT, AND

GENERAL TRON'S SECRET POLICE CONFESSION KIT, AND DOGGY DENTIST.

CONFESSION KIT, AND DOGGY DENTIST. AND WHAT ABOUT THIS INNOCENT

DOGGY DENTIST. AND WHAT ABOUT THIS INNOCENT RUBBER DOLL, WHICH YOU MARKET

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS INNOCENT RUBBER DOLL, WHICH YOU MARKET UNDER THE NAME

RUBBER DOLL, WHICH YOU MARKET UNDER THE NAME JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE?

UNDER THE NAME JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE? PRESS HIS HEAD, AND TWO SHARP

JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE? PRESS HIS HEAD, AND TWO SHARP KNIVES SPRING FROM HIS ARMS.

PRESS HIS HEAD, AND TWO SHARP KNIVES SPRING FROM HIS ARMS. MR. MAINWAY, I'M AFRAID THIS IS

KNIVES SPRING FROM HIS ARMS. MR. MAINWAY, I'M AFRAID THIS IS BY NO MEANS A SAFE TOY.

MR. MAINWAY, I'M AFRAID THIS IS BY NO MEANS A SAFE TOY. OKAY, MISS, I WANT TO CORRECT

BY NO MEANS A SAFE TOY. OKAY, MISS, I WANT TO CORRECT ON ONE THING HERE, OKAY?

OKAY, MISS, I WANT TO CORRECT ON ONE THING HERE, OKAY? THE FULL NAME OF THIS PRODUCT,

ON ONE THING HERE, OKAY? THE FULL NAME OF THIS PRODUCT, AS IT APPEARS IN STORES ALL OVER

THE FULL NAME OF THIS PRODUCT, AS IT APPEARS IN STORES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, IS

AS IT APPEARS IN STORES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, IS "JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE: ADVENTURE

THE COUNTRY, IS "JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE: ADVENTURE PUNK."

"JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE: ADVENTURE PUNK." I MEAN, NOTHING GOES WRONG..

PUNK." I MEAN, NOTHING GOES WRONG.. THESE LITTLE GIRLS BUY THEM.

I MEAN, NOTHING GOES WRONG.. THESE LITTLE GIRLS BUY THEM. YOU KNOW, THEY PLAY GAMES.

THESE LITTLE GIRLS BUY THEM. YOU KNOW, THEY PLAY GAMES. THEY MAKE UP STORIES.

YOU KNOW, THEY PLAY GAMES. THEY MAKE UP STORIES. NOBODY GETS HURT.

THEY MAKE UP STORIES. NOBODY GETS HURT. SO BARBIE TAKES A KNIFE ONCE IN

NOBODY GETS HURT. SO BARBIE TAKES A KNIFE ONCE IN A WHILE, OR KEN GETS CUT.

SO BARBIE TAKES A KNIFE ONCE IN A WHILE, OR KEN GETS CUT. THERE'S NO HARM IN THAT, I MEAN,

A WHILE, OR KEN GETS CUT. THERE'S NO HARM IN THAT, I MEAN, AS FAR AS I CAN SEE, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S NO HARM IN THAT, I MEAN, AS FAR AS I CAN SEE, YOU KNOW? I SEE. FINE, FINE.

AS FAR AS I CAN SEE, YOU KNOW? I SEE. FINE, FINE. WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU

I SEE. FINE, FINE. WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER ONE OF MR. MAINWAY'S

WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER ONE OF MR. MAINWAY'S PRODUCTS.

ANOTHER ONE OF MR. MAINWAY'S PRODUCTS. IT RETAILS FOR $1.98, AND IT'S

PRODUCTS. IT RETAILS FOR $1.98, AND IT'S CALLED "BAG O' GLASS."

IT RETAILS FOR $1.98, AND IT'S CALLED "BAG O' GLASS." MR. MAINWAY, THIS IS SIMPLY A

CALLED "BAG O' GLASS." MR. MAINWAY, THIS IS SIMPLY A BAG OF JAGGED, DANGEROUS GLASS

MR. MAINWAY, THIS IS SIMPLY A BAG OF JAGGED, DANGEROUS GLASS BITS.

BAG OF JAGGED, DANGEROUS GLASS BITS. YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S, YOU

BITS. YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S, YOU KNOW... IT'S GLASS.

YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S, YOU KNOW... IT'S GLASS. IT'S BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW?

KNOW... IT'S GLASS. IT'S BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW? IT SELLS VERY WELL, AS A MATTER

IT'S BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW? IT SELLS VERY WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW?

IT SELLS VERY WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW? IT'S JUST BROKEN GLASS, YOU

OF FACT, YOU KNOW? IT'S JUST BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

KNOW? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I MEAN, CHILDREN COULD SERIOUSLY

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I MEAN, CHILDREN COULD SERIOUSLY CUT THEMSELVES ON ANY ONE OF

I MEAN, CHILDREN COULD SERIOUSLY CUT THEMSELVES ON ANY ONE OF THESE PIECES.

CUT THEMSELVES ON ANY ONE OF THESE PIECES. YEAH, WELL, LOOK.

THESE PIECES. YEAH, WELL, LOOK. YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE KID... HE

YEAH, WELL, LOOK. YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE KID... HE PICKS UP, YOU KNOW, BROKEN GLASS

YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE KID... HE PICKS UP, YOU KNOW, BROKEN GLASS ANYWHERE... THE BEACH, THE

PICKS UP, YOU KNOW, BROKEN GLASS ANYWHERE... THE BEACH, THE STREET, GARBAGE CANS, PARKING

ANYWHERE... THE BEACH, THE STREET, GARBAGE CANS, PARKING LOTS, ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ANY

STREET, GARBAGE CANS, PARKING LOTS, ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ANY BIG CITY.

LOTS, ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ANY BIG CITY. WE'RE JUST PACKAGING WHAT THE

BIG CITY. WE'RE JUST PACKAGING WHAT THE KIDS WANT.

WE'RE JUST PACKAGING WHAT THE KIDS WANT. I MEAN, IT'S A CREATIVE TOY, YOU

KIDS WANT. I MEAN, IT'S A CREATIVE TOY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT'S A CREATIVE TOY, YOU KNOW? IF YOU HOLD THIS UP, YOU SEE

KNOW? IF YOU HOLD THIS UP, YOU SEE COLORS.

IF YOU HOLD THIS UP, YOU SEE COLORS. YOU SEE ALL THE COLORS OF THE

COLORS. YOU SEE ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW.

YOU SEE ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW. I MEAN, IT TEACHES HIM ABOUT

RAINBOW. I MEAN, IT TEACHES HIM ABOUT LIGHT REFRACTION, PRISMS, AND

I MEAN, IT TEACHES HIM ABOUT LIGHT REFRACTION, PRISMS, AND THAT STUFF!

LIGHT REFRACTION, PRISMS, AND THAT STUFF! PRISMS... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT STUFF! PRISMS... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I SEE.

PRISMS... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I SEE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I SEE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SO, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT THIS

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SO, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT THIS PRODUCT IS DANGEROUS?

SO, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT THIS PRODUCT IS DANGEROUS? NO! LOOK.

PRODUCT IS DANGEROUS? NO! LOOK. WE PUT A LABEL ON EVERY BAG,

NO! LOOK. WE PUT A LABEL ON EVERY BAG, SAYS, "KID, BE CAREFUL... BROKEN

WE PUT A LABEL ON EVERY BAG, SAYS, "KID, BE CAREFUL... BROKEN GLASS!"

SAYS, "KID, BE CAREFUL... BROKEN GLASS!" I MEAN, WE SELL A LOT OF

GLASS!" I MEAN, WE SELL A LOT OF PRODUCTS IN THE "BAG O'" LINE,

I MEAN, WE SELL A LOT OF PRODUCTS IN THE "BAG O'" LINE, LIKE BAG O' GLASS, BAG O' NAILS,

PRODUCTS IN THE "BAG O'" LINE, LIKE BAG O' GLASS, BAG O' NAILS, BAG O' BUGS, BAG O' VIPERS,

LIKE BAG O' GLASS, BAG O' NAILS, BAG O' BUGS, BAG O' VIPERS, BAG O' SULFURIC ACID.

BAG O' BUGS, BAG O' VIPERS, BAG O' SULFURIC ACID. THEY'RE DECENT TOYS, YOU KNOW

BAG O' SULFURIC ACID. THEY'RE DECENT TOYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY'RE DECENT TOYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WELL, I GUESS WE CAN SEE THAT

WHAT I MEAN? WELL, I GUESS WE CAN SEE THAT ALL OF YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY

WELL, I GUESS WE CAN SEE THAT ALL OF YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE

ALL OF YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE BANNED FROM THE MARKET.

UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE BANNED FROM THE MARKET. I DON'T KNOW.

BANNED FROM THE MARKET. I DON'T KNOW. I JUST WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD

I JUST WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD TEDDY BEAR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD TEDDY BEAR. HOLD ON A MINUTE, SISTER.

TEDDY BEAR. HOLD ON A MINUTE, SISTER. WE MAKE A TEDDY BEAR.

HOLD ON A MINUTE, SISTER. WE MAKE A TEDDY BEAR. I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.

WE MAKE A TEDDY BEAR. I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE. IT'S RIGHT HERE. IT'S GOT A NICE LITTLE FEATURE

IT'S RIGHT HERE. IT'S GOT A NICE LITTLE FEATURE HERE, YOU SEE?

IT'S GOT A NICE LITTLE FEATURE HERE, YOU SEE? TAKE A SHOT OF THAT.

HERE, YOU SEE? TAKE A SHOT OF THAT. I'LL HOLD IT UP HERE.

TAKE A SHOT OF THAT. I'LL HOLD IT UP HERE. WE CALL IT TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR.

I'LL HOLD IT UP HERE. WE CALL IT TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR. THERE IT IS... TEDDY CHAIN SAW

WE CALL IT TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR. THERE IT IS... TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR.

THERE IT IS... TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR. [CHAIN SAW REVS]

BEAR. [CHAIN SAW REVS] A KID PLAYS WITH IT.

[CHAIN SAW REVS] A KID PLAYS WITH IT. YOU CAN CUT LOGS WITH IT, YOU

A KID PLAYS WITH IT. YOU CAN CUT LOGS WITH IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN CUT LOGS WITH IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A

KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A VERY SAD SITUATION... ONE OF THE

WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A VERY SAD SITUATION... ONE OF THE PRECIOUS JOYS OF CHRISTMAS

VERY SAD SITUATION... ONE OF THE PRECIOUS JOYS OF CHRISTMAS WARPED BY A RUTHLESS PROFITEER

PRECIOUS JOYS OF CHRISTMAS WARPED BY A RUTHLESS PROFITEER LIKE YOURSELF.

WARPED BY A RUTHLESS PROFITEER LIKE YOURSELF. THAT'S YOUR OPINION, YOU KNOW

LIKE YOURSELF. THAT'S YOUR OPINION, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S YOUR OPINION, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WELL, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT I MEAN? WELL, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE HARMLESS TOYS

WELL, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE HARMLESS TOYS LIKE THESE ALPHABET BLOCKS.

WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE HARMLESS TOYS LIKE THESE ALPHABET BLOCKS. COME ON, THIS IS HARMLESS?

LIKE THESE ALPHABET BLOCKS. COME ON, THIS IS HARMLESS? ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU CALL THIS

COME ON, THIS IS HARMLESS? ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU CALL THIS HARMLESS?

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU CALL THIS HARMLESS? AAH! I GOT A SPLINTER IN HERE!

HARMLESS? AAH! I GOT A SPLINTER IN HERE! THIS IS WOOD.

AAH! I GOT A SPLINTER IN HERE! THIS IS WOOD. THIS IS UNSANDED WOOD.

THIS IS WOOD. THIS IS UNSANDED WOOD. IT'S ROUGH.

THIS IS UNSANDED WOOD. IT'S ROUGH. ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF

IT'S ROUGH. ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS RIDICULOUS DISPLAY.

ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS RIDICULOUS DISPLAY. HERE IS ANOTHER CREATIVE TOY,

THIS RIDICULOUS DISPLAY. HERE IS ANOTHER CREATIVE TOY, SAFE ENOUGH FOR A BABY.

HERE IS ANOTHER CREATIVE TOY, SAFE ENOUGH FOR A BABY. YOU SAY IT'S SAFE.

SAFE ENOUGH FOR A BABY. YOU SAY IT'S SAFE. I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS CORD.

YOU SAY IT'S SAFE. I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS CORD. THE KID IS ON THE PHONE...

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS CORD. THE KID IS ON THE PHONE... "HELLO? HELLO?"

THE KID IS ON THE PHONE... "HELLO? HELLO?" THEN... "AGH!"

"HELLO? HELLO?" THEN... "AGH!" YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN... "AGH!" YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S AN EXAMPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S AN EXAMPLE. IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE.

IT'S AN EXAMPLE. IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE. IT'S AN EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW.

IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE. IT'S AN EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW. YOU SEE MY POINT,

IT'S AN EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW. YOU SEE MY POINT, I DEMONSTRATE LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE MY POINT, I DEMONSTRATE LIKE THAT. YOU SEE MY POINT, YOU KNOW?

I DEMONSTRATE LIKE THAT. YOU SEE MY POINT, YOU KNOW? UM... WELL, LET'S TRY THIS

YOU SEE MY POINT, YOU KNOW? UM... WELL, LET'S TRY THIS ONE.

UM... WELL, LET'S TRY THIS ONE. WHAT ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOAM PLAY

ONE. WHAT ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOAM PLAY BALL?

WHAT ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOAM PLAY BALL? I MEAN, EVEN YOU, MR. MAINWAY,

BALL? I MEAN, EVEN YOU, MR. MAINWAY, CAN'T FIND ANYTHING DANGEROUS

I MEAN, EVEN YOU, MR. MAINWAY, CAN'T FIND ANYTHING DANGEROUS ABOUT THIS

CAN'T FIND ANYTHING DANGEROUS ABOUT THIS HUH?

ABOUT THIS HUH? THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON

HUH? THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON "CONSUMER PROBE" THIS WEEK.

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON "CONSUMER PROBE" THIS WEEK. BOUNCE IT ON THE TABLE.

"CONSUMER PROBE" THIS WEEK. BOUNCE IT ON THE TABLE. AGH!

BOUNCE IT ON THE TABLE. AGH! [GRUNTING]

AGH! [GRUNTING] YOU CAN'T BREATHE!

[GRUNTING] YOU CAN'T BREATHE! AND NOW FOR THIS FILMED

YOU CAN'T BREATHE! AND NOW FOR THIS FILMED MESSAGE.

AND NOW FOR THIS FILMED MESSAGE. THANK YOU.

Announcer: INFLATIONARY PRICES GETTING YOU DOWN? THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY

PRICES GETTING YOU DOWN? THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY PRICES WITH THE NEW

THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY PRICES WITH THE NEW PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM

PRICES WITH THE NEW PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM K-PUT.

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM K-PUT. SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE-TAG

K-PUT. SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE-TAG ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP

SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE-TAG ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR

ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE

CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE TRIGGER, AND PRESTO.

REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE TRIGGER, AND PRESTO. LOOK AT THIS.

TRIGGER, AND PRESTO. LOOK AT THIS. A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY

LOOK AT THIS. A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS, A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR

A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS, A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST 4 CENTS.

3 CENTS, A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST 4 CENTS. SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

JUST 4 CENTS. SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR

SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR PENNIES A DAY.

FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR PENNIES A DAY. SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.

PENNIES A DAY. SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S FUN AND EASY.

SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S FUN AND EASY. ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR

IT'S FUN AND EASY. ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR

ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.

K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR ITSELF. BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.

ITSELF. BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED. THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO STRETCH

BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED. THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO STRETCH YOUR SHOPPING DOLLARS.

K-PUT'S PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN.

A STEAL AT ONLY $49.95 WHILE

THEY LAST.

THAT'S $49.95 TO K-PUT

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN,

DEPARTMENT 8, SHOPPING MALL,

NEW JERSEY.

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [MUMBLING] HI, FERN, I'M HOME.

[MUMBLING] HI, FERN, I'M HOME. OH, HI!

HI, FERN, I'M HOME. OH, HI! YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

OH, HI! YOU'RE JUST IN TIME. I MADE SOME COOKIES, AND HERE'S

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME. I MADE SOME COOKIES, AND HERE'S SOME MILK.

I MADE SOME COOKIES, AND HERE'S SOME MILK. OH, GREAT, I'M SO THIRSTY, I

SOME MILK. OH, GREAT, I'M SO THIRSTY, I COULD DRINK A HORSE.

OH, GREAT, I'M SO THIRSTY, I COULD DRINK A HORSE. BOY, ARE YOU STUPID.

COULD DRINK A HORSE. BOY, ARE YOU STUPID. IT'S "EAT A HORSE."

BOY, ARE YOU STUPID. IT'S "EAT A HORSE." "I COULD EAT A HORSE."

IT'S "EAT A HORSE." "I COULD EAT A HORSE." WELL, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU

"I COULD EAT A HORSE." WELL, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, FERN.

WELL, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, FERN. I'M STILL THIRSTY.

WANT, FERN. I'M STILL THIRSTY. WELL, HERE, HAVE SOME MILK.

I'M STILL THIRSTY. WELL, HERE, HAVE SOME MILK. OH, THANKS.

WELL, HERE, HAVE SOME MILK. OH, THANKS. [LAUGHTER]

OH, THANKS. [LAUGHTER] GEE, THIS MILK ISN'T TOO

[LAUGHTER] GEE, THIS MILK ISN'T TOO GOOD.

GEE, THIS MILK ISN'T TOO GOOD. I'M STILL THIRSTY.

GOOD. I'M STILL THIRSTY. WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU

I'M STILL THIRSTY. WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU POURED IT IN YOUR PURSE, YOU

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU POURED IT IN YOUR PURSE, YOU SEE.

POURED IT IN YOUR PURSE, YOU SEE. OH.

SEE. OH. YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE

OH. YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE YOU, FERN?

YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE YOU, FERN? I MEAN... WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.

YOU, FERN? I MEAN... WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS. LISA.

I MEAN... WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS. LISA. AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE

LISA. AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE EXTREMELY STUPID.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE EXTREMELY STUPID. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, FERN, YOU

EXTREMELY STUPID. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, FERN, YOU KNOW, AND I'M PROUD OF IT.

WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, FERN, YOU KNOW, AND I'M PROUD OF IT. YOU KNOW, WE ALL CAN'T BE

KNOW, AND I'M PROUD OF IT. YOU KNOW, WE ALL CAN'T BE BRAINY LIKE FERN HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE ALL CAN'T BE BRAINY LIKE FERN HERE. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO TALK TO YOU TONIGHT ON BEHALF OF A GOD-GIVEN AMERICAN RIGHT... THE RIGHT TO

TONIGHT ON BEHALF OF A GOD-GIVEN AMERICAN RIGHT... THE RIGHT TO EXTREME STUPIDITY.

AMERICAN RIGHT... THE RIGHT TO EXTREME STUPIDITY. EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE ARE

EXTREME STUPIDITY. EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE ARE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST ALL THE

EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE ARE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST ALL THE TIME, AND I SHOULD KNOW, AND SO

DISCRIMINATED AGAINST ALL THE TIME, AND I SHOULD KNOW, AND SO SHOULD FERN, BECAUSE WE ARE

TIME, AND I SHOULD KNOW, AND SO SHOULD FERN, BECAUSE WE ARE EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.

SHOULD FERN, BECAUSE WE ARE EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE. FOR INSTANCE, I THINK THAT BAMBI

EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE. FOR INSTANCE, I THINK THAT BAMBI IS A FISH.

FOR INSTANCE, I THINK THAT BAMBI IS A FISH. [LAUGHS]

IS A FISH. [LAUGHS] YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME OF A

[LAUGHS] YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE.

YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE. [LAUGHING]

LITTLE JOKE. [LAUGHING] [LAUGHTER]

BUT, SERIOUSLY... THE VERY ENGLISH LANGUAGE ITSELF IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST

THE VERY ENGLISH LANGUAGE ITSELF IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.

IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE. FOR INSTANCE, INSULTING PHRASES

EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE. FOR INSTANCE, INSULTING PHRASES LIKE, "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB" AND

FOR INSTANCE, INSULTING PHRASES LIKE, "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB" AND "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB."

LIKE, "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB" AND "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB." THANK YOU.

"BOY, ARE YOU DUMB." THANK YOU. AND "YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE

THANK YOU. AND "YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE YOU?"

AND "YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE YOU?" [LAUGHS]

YOU?" [LAUGHS] "WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?"

[LAUGHS] "WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?" [LAUGHS]

"WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?" [LAUGHS] "BOY, ARE YOU EVER EXTREMELY

[LAUGHS] "BOY, ARE YOU EVER EXTREMELY STUPID."

"BOY, ARE YOU EVER EXTREMELY STUPID." "I COULD DRINK A HORSE."

STUPID." "I COULD DRINK A HORSE." [LAUGHS]

"I COULD DRINK A HORSE." [LAUGHS] "GOSH, AM I THIRSTY."

[LAUGHS] "GOSH, AM I THIRSTY." THIS HAS BEEN A PAID MESSAGE

"GOSH, AM I THIRSTY." THIS HAS BEEN A PAID MESSAGE FROM THE RIGHT TO EXTREME

THIS HAS BEEN A PAID MESSAGE FROM THE RIGHT TO EXTREME STUPIDITY LEAGUE.

FROM THE RIGHT TO EXTREME STUPIDITY LEAGUE. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN. LONELY, LONELY THING.

JANE CURTIN. LONELY, LONELY THING. DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING

LONELY, LONELY THING. DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING HERE?

DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING HERE? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS?

HERE? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS? YOU'RE CRAZY.

DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS? YOU'RE CRAZY. OH, COME ON.

YOU'RE CRAZY. OH, COME ON. YOU'VE GOT TO COME HOME

OH, COME ON. YOU'VE GOT TO COME HOME SOMETIME.

YOU'VE GOT TO COME HOME SOMETIME. SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO MAKE THE

SOMETIME. SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO MAKE THE MONEY.

SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO MAKE THE MONEY. OTHERWISE, WE CAN'T EAT.

MONEY. OTHERWISE, WE CAN'T EAT. I'M WRITING A BOOK.

OTHERWISE, WE CAN'T EAT. I'M WRITING A BOOK. IT'S GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE.

I'M WRITING A BOOK. IT'S GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE. THE BOOK, THE BOOK. BIG DEAL.

IT'S GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE. THE BOOK, THE BOOK. BIG DEAL. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... STILL

THE BOOK, THE BOOK. BIG DEAL. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... STILL TRYING TO MAKE UP HIS CAMPAIGN

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... STILL TRYING TO MAKE UP HIS CAMPAIGN DEFICIT, PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER

TRYING TO MAKE UP HIS CAMPAIGN DEFICIT, PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER HAS TAKEN A PART-TIME JOB

DEFICIT, PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER HAS TAKEN A PART-TIME JOB DELIVERING DRY CLEANING IN THE

HAS TAKEN A PART-TIME JOB DELIVERING DRY CLEANING IN THE WASHINGTON AREA.

DELIVERING DRY CLEANING IN THE WASHINGTON AREA. AS A SECURITY MEASURE, TO AVOID

WASHINGTON AREA. AS A SECURITY MEASURE, TO AVOID ANY LEAKING OF WHITE HOUSE

AS A SECURITY MEASURE, TO AVOID ANY LEAKING OF WHITE HOUSE INFORMATION, THE SECRET SERVICE

ANY LEAKING OF WHITE HOUSE INFORMATION, THE SECRET SERVICE HAS STAPLED AMY CARTER'S EYES

INFORMATION, THE SECRET SERVICE HAS STAPLED AMY CARTER'S EYES SHUT AND EPOXIED HER HAND TO HER

HAS STAPLED AMY CARTER'S EYES SHUT AND EPOXIED HER HAND TO HER MOUTH FOR THE DURATION OF

SHUT AND EPOXIED HER HAND TO HER MOUTH FOR THE DURATION OF JIMMY CARTER'S TERM.

MOUTH FOR THE DURATION OF JIMMY CARTER'S TERM. A DECISION ON WHAT TO DO WITH

JIMMY CARTER'S TERM. A DECISION ON WHAT TO DO WITH AMY'S EARS WILL BE MADE SHORTLY.

A DECISION ON WHAT TO DO WITH AMY'S EARS WILL BE MADE SHORTLY. PRESIDENT FORD FINALLY REVEALED

AMY'S EARS WILL BE MADE SHORTLY. PRESIDENT FORD FINALLY REVEALED THE SUBSTANCE OF HIS

PRESIDENT FORD FINALLY REVEALED THE SUBSTANCE OF HIS POST-ELECTION TELEPHONE CALL TO

THE SUBSTANCE OF HIS POST-ELECTION TELEPHONE CALL TO RICHARD NIXON.

POST-ELECTION TELEPHONE CALL TO RICHARD NIXON. FORD ASKED NIXON IF HE THOUGHT

RICHARD NIXON. FORD ASKED NIXON IF HE THOUGHT JIMMY CARTER WOULD ABUSE THE

FORD ASKED NIXON IF HE THOUGHT JIMMY CARTER WOULD ABUSE THE PRESIDENCY.

JIMMY CARTER WOULD ABUSE THE PRESIDENCY. NIXON SAID, "NAH, HE DOESN'T

PRESIDENCY. NIXON SAID, "NAH, HE DOESN'T HAVE THE EXPERIENCE."

NIXON SAID, "NAH, HE DOESN'T HAVE THE EXPERIENCE." [LIGHT LAUGHTER]

HAVE THE EXPERIENCE." [LIGHT LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]

[LIGHT LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS DAYS

[LAUGHTER] DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS DAYS AS SECRETARY OF STATE ARE

DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS DAYS AS SECRETARY OF STATE ARE NUMBERED, HENRY KISSINGER SHOWED

AS SECRETARY OF STATE ARE NUMBERED, HENRY KISSINGER SHOWED HE STILL HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

NUMBERED, HENRY KISSINGER SHOWED HE STILL HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. THE ETERNAL DIPLOMAT IS SHOWN

HE STILL HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. THE ETERNAL DIPLOMAT IS SHOWN HERE AT A WASHINGTON PARTY DOING

THE ETERNAL DIPLOMAT IS SHOWN HERE AT A WASHINGTON PARTY DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF CHINESE LEADER

HERE AT A WASHINGTON PARTY DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF CHINESE LEADER HUA KUO-FENG.

HIS IMPRESSION OF CHINESE LEADER HUA KUO-FENG. [LAUGHTER]

HUA KUO-FENG. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS] THE FIRST ANNUAL BARBARA WALTERS

[LAUGHS] THE FIRST ANNUAL BARBARA WALTERS LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST WAS HELD THIS

THE FIRST ANNUAL BARBARA WALTERS LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST WAS HELD THIS WEEK IN WASHINGTON, AND THE

LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST WAS HELD THIS WEEK IN WASHINGTON, AND THE FIRST RUNNER-UP WAS FIRST LADY

WEEK IN WASHINGTON, AND THE FIRST RUNNER-UP WAS FIRST LADY BETTY FORD.

FIRST RUNNER-UP WAS FIRST LADY BETTY FORD. THE WINNER WAS BARBARA WALTERS,

BETTY FORD. THE WINNER WAS BARBARA WALTERS, WHO REMARKED THAT SHE DOESN'T

THE WINNER WAS BARBARA WALTERS, WHO REMARKED THAT SHE DOESN'T FEEL SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE

WHO REMARKED THAT SHE DOESN'T FEEL SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE HERSELF BUT WILL USE THE PRIZE

FEEL SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE HERSELF BUT WILL USE THE PRIZE MONEY TO BUY A LIFETIME SUPPLY

HERSELF BUT WILL USE THE PRIZE MONEY TO BUY A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF THE LETTER "R."

MONEY TO BUY A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF THE LETTER "R." [LAUGHTER]

OF THE LETTER "R." [LAUGHTER] AND, IN SPORTS THIS WEEK,

[LAUGHTER] AND, IN SPORTS THIS WEEK, UNDERWATER EXPLORER

AND, IN SPORTS THIS WEEK, UNDERWATER EXPLORER JACQUES COUSTEAU HAS DISCOVERED

UNDERWATER EXPLORER JACQUES COUSTEAU HAS DISCOVERED A TRIBE OF 11-INCH-TALL

JACQUES COUSTEAU HAS DISCOVERED A TRIBE OF 11-INCH-TALL PRIZEFIGHTERS IN THE AEGEAN SEA.

A TRIBE OF 11-INCH-TALL PRIZEFIGHTERS IN THE AEGEAN SEA. NEGOTIATIONS ARE UNDER WAY TO

PRIZEFIGHTERS IN THE AEGEAN SEA. NEGOTIATIONS ARE UNDER WAY TO MATCH ONE OF THEM AGAINST

NEGOTIATIONS ARE UNDER WAY TO MATCH ONE OF THEM AGAINST MAYOR BEAME AT

MATCH ONE OF THEM AGAINST MAYOR BEAME AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN NEXT

MAYOR BEAME AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN NEXT SPRING.

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN NEXT SPRING. [LAUGHTER]

SPRING. [LAUGHTER] AND NOW "UPDATE" PRESENTS A

[LAUGHTER] AND NOW "UPDATE" PRESENTS A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEGMENT,

AND NOW "UPDATE" PRESENTS A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEGMENT, COURTESY OF THE UNITED STATES

SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEGMENT, COURTESY OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT'S PUBLIC SAFETY

COURTESY OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT'S PUBLIC SAFETY BUREAU.

GOVERNMENT'S PUBLIC SAFETY BUREAU. HERE IS CORRESPONDENT RAY BASALT

BUREAU. HERE IS CORRESPONDENT RAY BASALT WITH THE DECEMBER

HERE IS CORRESPONDENT RAY BASALT WITH THE DECEMBER RADIOACTIVE-FALLOUT REPORT.

WITH THE DECEMBER RADIOACTIVE-FALLOUT REPORT. THANK YOU, JANE.

RADIOACTIVE-FALLOUT REPORT. THANK YOU, JANE. HI, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO

THANK YOU, JANE. HI, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO THE FALLOUT REPORT.

HI, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO THE FALLOUT REPORT. WE, UH, HOPE TO GIVE YOU AS MUCH

THE FALLOUT REPORT. WE, UH, HOPE TO GIVE YOU AS MUCH INFORMATION AS WE CAN ON THE

WE, UH, HOPE TO GIVE YOU AS MUCH INFORMATION AS WE CAN ON THE DOMESTIC FALLOUT SITUATION FOR

INFORMATION AS WE CAN ON THE DOMESTIC FALLOUT SITUATION FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

DOMESTIC FALLOUT SITUATION FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON. I'M RAY BASALT, AND HERE'S HOW

THE HOLIDAY SEASON. I'M RAY BASALT, AND HERE'S HOW IT LOOKS:

I'M RAY BASALT, AND HERE'S HOW IT LOOKS: OKAY, PREVAILING NORTHERLY WINDS

IT LOOKS: OKAY, PREVAILING NORTHERLY WINDS IN THE MID-ATLANTIC HAVE CARRIED

OKAY, PREVAILING NORTHERLY WINDS IN THE MID-ATLANTIC HAVE CARRIED A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE PARTICLES

IN THE MID-ATLANTIC HAVE CARRIED A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE PARTICLES INTO A FEW POPULATION CENTERS

A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE PARTICLES INTO A FEW POPULATION CENTERS ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD HERE.

INTO A FEW POPULATION CENTERS ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD HERE. NOW, THIS DEBRIS IS THE RESULT

ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD HERE. NOW, THIS DEBRIS IS THE RESULT OF A BLAST THAT WAS DETONATED

NOW, THIS DEBRIS IS THE RESULT OF A BLAST THAT WAS DETONATED OVER 4,000 MILES AWAY BY THE

OF A BLAST THAT WAS DETONATED OVER 4,000 MILES AWAY BY THE INDIAN GOVERNMENT IN THE

OVER 4,000 MILES AWAY BY THE INDIAN GOVERNMENT IN THE GOBI DESERT.

INDIAN GOVERNMENT IN THE GOBI DESERT. AND IT'S AFFECTING THE TRI-STATE

GOBI DESERT. AND IT'S AFFECTING THE TRI-STATE AREA.

AND IT'S AFFECTING THE TRI-STATE AREA. THESE PARTICLES ARE EXPECTED TO

AREA. THESE PARTICLES ARE EXPECTED TO START SPRINKLING DOWN INTO

THESE PARTICLES ARE EXPECTED TO START SPRINKLING DOWN INTO NEW JERSEY, PENNSYLVANIA, AND

START SPRINKLING DOWN INTO NEW JERSEY, PENNSYLVANIA, AND PARTS OF NEW YORK STATE EARLY

NEW JERSEY, PENNSYLVANIA, AND PARTS OF NEW YORK STATE EARLY NEXT WEEK.

PARTS OF NEW YORK STATE EARLY NEXT WEEK. NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT,

NEXT WEEK. NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT, HOWEVER.

NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT, HOWEVER. THESE PARTICLES ARE FAR TOO BIG

HOWEVER. THESE PARTICLES ARE FAR TOO BIG TO INHALE INTO THE LUNGS.

THESE PARTICLES ARE FAR TOO BIG TO INHALE INTO THE LUNGS. HOWEVER, THEY DO CONTAIN

TO INHALE INTO THE LUNGS. HOWEVER, THEY DO CONTAIN TELLURIUM GAMMA RAYS, SO WATER,

HOWEVER, THEY DO CONTAIN TELLURIUM GAMMA RAYS, SO WATER, MILK, AND ALL DAIRY PRODUCTS

TELLURIUM GAMMA RAYS, SO WATER, MILK, AND ALL DAIRY PRODUCTS WILL BE CONTAMINATED THROUGHOUT

MILK, AND ALL DAIRY PRODUCTS WILL BE CONTAMINATED THROUGHOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON FOR AT LEAST

WILL BE CONTAMINATED THROUGHOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON FOR AT LEAST TWO MONTHS, ANYWAY.

THE HOLIDAY SEASON FOR AT LEAST TWO MONTHS, ANYWAY. WELL, IT IS THE SOFT-DRINK

TWO MONTHS, ANYWAY. WELL, IT IS THE SOFT-DRINK SEASON, SO WE DON'T HAVE TOO

WELL, IT IS THE SOFT-DRINK SEASON, SO WE DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.

SEASON, SO WE DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT. OKAY, LET'S TURN TO THE

MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT. OKAY, LET'S TURN TO THE WEST COAST NOW AND SEE WHAT WE

OKAY, LET'S TURN TO THE WEST COAST NOW AND SEE WHAT WE FIND HERE.

WEST COAST NOW AND SEE WHAT WE FIND HERE. ALL RIGHT, LAST SUMMER, AS YOU

FIND HERE. ALL RIGHT, LAST SUMMER, AS YOU KNOW, WAS A HEAVY TIME OF

ALL RIGHT, LAST SUMMER, AS YOU KNOW, WAS A HEAVY TIME OF THERMONUCLEAR TESTING BY THE

KNOW, WAS A HEAVY TIME OF THERMONUCLEAR TESTING BY THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.

THERMONUCLEAR TESTING BY THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA. IN JULY, THEY DETONATED A

PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA. IN JULY, THEY DETONATED A 50-MEGATON

IN JULY, THEY DETONATED A 50-MEGATON FISSION-FUSION-FISSION DEVICE

50-MEGATON FISSION-FUSION-FISSION DEVICE ABOVE THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

FISSION-FUSION-FISSION DEVICE ABOVE THE PACIFIC OCEAN. THIS RESULTED IN A HIGH-ALTITUDE

ABOVE THE PACIFIC OCEAN. THIS RESULTED IN A HIGH-ALTITUDE AIRBURST.

THIS RESULTED IN A HIGH-ALTITUDE AIRBURST. NOW, THE FISSION PRODUCTS FROM

AIRBURST. NOW, THE FISSION PRODUCTS FROM THIS DETONATION, WHICH LINGER

NOW, THE FISSION PRODUCTS FROM THIS DETONATION, WHICH LINGER JUST BELOW THE EARTH'S

THIS DETONATION, WHICH LINGER JUST BELOW THE EARTH'S TROPOSPHERE, HAVE STARTED TO

JUST BELOW THE EARTH'S TROPOSPHERE, HAVE STARTED TO DROP.

TROPOSPHERE, HAVE STARTED TO DROP. THEY'RE BEING MOVED ACROSS THE

DROP. THEY'RE BEING MOVED ACROSS THE PACIFIC WATER BODY BY THE HIGH

THEY'RE BEING MOVED ACROSS THE PACIFIC WATER BODY BY THE HIGH WINDS UP THERE IN THE

PACIFIC WATER BODY BY THE HIGH WINDS UP THERE IN THE TROPOSPHERE.

WINDS UP THERE IN THE TROPOSPHERE. THIS, COUPLED WITH COLD FRONTS

TROPOSPHERE. THIS, COUPLED WITH COLD FRONTS WHICH MOVE UP INTO

THIS, COUPLED WITH COLD FRONTS WHICH MOVE UP INTO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FROM TEXAS,

WHICH MOVE UP INTO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FROM TEXAS, ALL IN ALL, WELL, WE SHOULD SAY

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FROM TEXAS, ALL IN ALL, WELL, WE SHOULD SAY THAT, WELL, IT SHOULD BRING A

ALL IN ALL, WELL, WE SHOULD SAY THAT, WELL, IT SHOULD BRING A FAIRLY HEAVY SHOWER OF DANGEROUS

THAT, WELL, IT SHOULD BRING A FAIRLY HEAVY SHOWER OF DANGEROUS BETA PARTICLES INTO THE

FAIRLY HEAVY SHOWER OF DANGEROUS BETA PARTICLES INTO THE SAN DIEGO AREA SOMETIME NEAR THE

BETA PARTICLES INTO THE SAN DIEGO AREA SOMETIME NEAR THE END OF THE MONTH AND PROBABLY

SAN DIEGO AREA SOMETIME NEAR THE END OF THE MONTH AND PROBABLY BEFORE CHRISTMAS ANYWAY.

END OF THE MONTH AND PROBABLY BEFORE CHRISTMAS ANYWAY. NOW, THAT BLAST WAS A PRETTY

BEFORE CHRISTMAS ANYWAY. NOW, THAT BLAST WAS A PRETTY HEAVY ONE, SO THE YIELD OF BETA

NOW, THAT BLAST WAS A PRETTY HEAVY ONE, SO THE YIELD OF BETA PARTICLES WILL BE SIZABLE.

HEAVY ONE, SO THE YIELD OF BETA PARTICLES WILL BE SIZABLE. BETA PARTICLES, OF COURSE, AS

PARTICLES WILL BE SIZABLE. BETA PARTICLES, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW, CAUSE SERIOUS

BETA PARTICLES, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW, CAUSE SERIOUS RADIATION BURNS, SO, SAN DIEGO

YOU KNOW, CAUSE SERIOUS RADIATION BURNS, SO, SAN DIEGO RESIDENTS, STAY INSIDE, KEEP

RADIATION BURNS, SO, SAN DIEGO RESIDENTS, STAY INSIDE, KEEP PETS INSIDE, DON'T DRINK OR EAT

RESIDENTS, STAY INSIDE, KEEP PETS INSIDE, DON'T DRINK OR EAT ANYTHING, AND, IF YOU HAVE A

PETS INSIDE, DON'T DRINK OR EAT ANYTHING, AND, IF YOU HAVE A LEAD SUIT, WEAR IT.

ANYTHING, AND, IF YOU HAVE A LEAD SUIT, WEAR IT. ELSEWHERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN

LEAD SUIT, WEAR IT. ELSEWHERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN FLORIDA, SOME PARTICLES AS A

ELSEWHERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN FLORIDA, SOME PARTICLES AS A RESULT OF FRENCH TESTING IN THE

FLORIDA, SOME PARTICLES AS A RESULT OF FRENCH TESTING IN THE ANTARCTIC.

RESULT OF FRENCH TESTING IN THE ANTARCTIC. ALL ACROSS THE MIDWEST, THERE

ANTARCTIC. ALL ACROSS THE MIDWEST, THERE ARE PARTICLES THERE FROM

ALL ACROSS THE MIDWEST, THERE ARE PARTICLES THERE FROM DOMESTIC TESTING IN NEVADA, OF

ARE PARTICLES THERE FROM DOMESTIC TESTING IN NEVADA, OF COURSE, AND, UH, THERE WAS SOME

DOMESTIC TESTING IN NEVADA, OF COURSE, AND, UH, THERE WAS SOME IN TEXAS DOWN HERE NEAR

COURSE, AND, UH, THERE WAS SOME IN TEXAS DOWN HERE NEAR CORPUS CHRISTI.

IN TEXAS DOWN HERE NEAR CORPUS CHRISTI. NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.

CORPUS CHRISTI. NOTHING TOO SERIOUS. WE SHOULD MENTION, HOWEVER, THE

NOTHING TOO SERIOUS. WE SHOULD MENTION, HOWEVER, THE BETA CLOUD OVER SAN DIEGO WILL

WE SHOULD MENTION, HOWEVER, THE BETA CLOUD OVER SAN DIEGO WILL BE MOVING ON UP INTO THE

BETA CLOUD OVER SAN DIEGO WILL BE MOVING ON UP INTO THE LOS ANGELES AREA.

BE MOVING ON UP INTO THE LOS ANGELES AREA. AND, ALTHOUGH IT WON'T BE

LOS ANGELES AREA. AND, ALTHOUGH IT WON'T BE DANGEROUS FROM A RADIOACTIVE

AND, ALTHOUGH IT WON'T BE DANGEROUS FROM A RADIOACTIVE STANDPOINT, THE REMAINING

DANGEROUS FROM A RADIOACTIVE STANDPOINT, THE REMAINING FALLOUT, WHEN COMBINED WITH

STANDPOINT, THE REMAINING FALLOUT, WHEN COMBINED WITH HYDROCARBON EMISSIONS IN THE

FALLOUT, WHEN COMBINED WITH HYDROCARBON EMISSIONS IN THE LOS ANGELES BASIN, SHOULD MAKE

HYDROCARBON EMISSIONS IN THE LOS ANGELES BASIN, SHOULD MAKE FOR QUITE A BREW.

LOS ANGELES BASIN, SHOULD MAKE FOR QUITE A BREW. AND A READING OF ONE, TWO,

FOR QUITE A BREW. AND A READING OF ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ON OUR AIR-QUALITY

AND A READING OF ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ON OUR AIR-QUALITY TABLE.

THREE, FOUR ON OUR AIR-QUALITY TABLE. AND, REMEMBER, THE MLRD FOR

TABLE. AND, REMEMBER, THE MLRD FOR HUMAN BEINGS... THAT'S MEDIAN

AND, REMEMBER, THE MLRD FOR HUMAN BEINGS... THAT'S MEDIAN LETHAL RADIATION DOSE... IS 450

HUMAN BEINGS... THAT'S MEDIAN LETHAL RADIATION DOSE... IS 450 REMS.

LETHAL RADIATION DOSE... IS 450 REMS. ANYTHING UNDER THAT AND THE MOST

REMS. ANYTHING UNDER THAT AND THE MOST YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS SOME

ANYTHING UNDER THAT AND THE MOST YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS SOME ODD INTERNAL BLEEDING, LOSS OF

YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS SOME ODD INTERNAL BLEEDING, LOSS OF HAIR, SKIN SORES, AND UNCEASING

ODD INTERNAL BLEEDING, LOSS OF HAIR, SKIN SORES, AND UNCEASING NAUSEA.

HAIR, SKIN SORES, AND UNCEASING NAUSEA. OKAY, AND THAT'S THE FALLOUT

NAUSEA. OKAY, AND THAT'S THE FALLOUT REPORT FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

OKAY, AND THAT'S THE FALLOUT REPORT FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON. BACK TO YOU, JANE.

REPORT FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON. BACK TO YOU, JANE. [APPLAUSE]

BACK TO YOU, JANE. [APPLAUSE] OLGA KORBUT, THE SENSATIONAL

[APPLAUSE] OLGA KORBUT, THE SENSATIONAL RUSSIAN GYMNAST OF THE '72

OLGA KORBUT, THE SENSATIONAL RUSSIAN GYMNAST OF THE '72 OLYMPICS, ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK

RUSSIAN GYMNAST OF THE '72 OLYMPICS, ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT SHE WILL BE MARRIED NEXT

OLYMPICS, ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT SHE WILL BE MARRIED NEXT MONTH IN MOSCOW.

THAT SHE WILL BE MARRIED NEXT MONTH IN MOSCOW. THE AGILE 21-YEAR-OLD IS SHOWN

MONTH IN MOSCOW. THE AGILE 21-YEAR-OLD IS SHOWN HERE GETTING IN SHAPE FOR HER

THE AGILE 21-YEAR-OLD IS SHOWN HERE GETTING IN SHAPE FOR HER WEDDING NIGHT.

HERE GETTING IN SHAPE FOR HER WEDDING NIGHT. THE PROSPECTIVE BRIDEGROOM IS

WEDDING NIGHT. THE PROSPECTIVE BRIDEGROOM IS REPORTED TO BE IN A RUSSIAN

THE PROSPECTIVE BRIDEGROOM IS REPORTED TO BE IN A RUSSIAN HOSPITAL UNDERGOING SPECIAL

REPORTED TO BE IN A RUSSIAN HOSPITAL UNDERGOING SPECIAL SURGERY TO HAVE ALL OF HIS BONES

HOSPITAL UNDERGOING SPECIAL SURGERY TO HAVE ALL OF HIS BONES REMOVED.

SURGERY TO HAVE ALL OF HIS BONES REMOVED. STILL TO COME... COCAINE DEALERS

REMOVED. STILL TO COME... COCAINE DEALERS CONVENE IN BUFFALO, AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME... COCAINE DEALERS CONVENE IN BUFFALO, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

CONVENE IN BUFFALO, AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [APPLAUSE]

MESSAGE. [APPLAUSE] [WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE] [WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS] OKAY, JOHNNY, WHAT DO YOU

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS] OKAY, JOHNNY, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OKAY, JOHNNY, WHAT DO YOU SAY? CHEE-EE-SE!

SAY? CHEE-EE-SE! GOT IT.

CHEE-EE-SE! GOT IT. ANOTHER PERFECT SLICE OF

GOT IT. ANOTHER PERFECT SLICE OF PROCESSED CHEESE.

ANOTHER PERFECT SLICE OF PROCESSED CHEESE. AND LOOK AT THAT COLOR.

PROCESSED CHEESE. AND LOOK AT THAT COLOR. IT TURNS FROM MILD TO SHARP IN

AND LOOK AT THAT COLOR. IT TURNS FROM MILD TO SHARP IN 60 SECONDS.

THE NEW FX-70 CHEESE SLICER AND

PROCESSED CHEESE CARTRIDGES.

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

ONLY $69.95 FOR ALL YOUR CHEESE

NEEDS.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY? CHEE-EE-SE! [APPLAUSE]

TRAGEDY AT THE NORTH POLE THIS WEEK WHEN RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER BROKE A LEG

THIS WEEK WHEN RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER BROKE A LEG AND HAD TO BE SHOT.

RED-NOSED REINDEER BROKE A LEG AND HAD TO BE SHOT. WHEN ASKED WHO WILL GUIDE HIS

AND HAD TO BE SHOT. WHEN ASKED WHO WILL GUIDE HIS SLEIGH, A GRIEF-STRICKEN

WHEN ASKED WHO WILL GUIDE HIS SLEIGH, A GRIEF-STRICKEN SANTA CLAUS REPLIED,

SLEIGH, A GRIEF-STRICKEN SANTA CLAUS REPLIED, "JIM NABORS."

SANTA CLAUS REPLIED, "JIM NABORS." MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

"JIM NABORS." MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS. [LIGHT LAUGHTER]

DEVELOPS. [LIGHT LAUGHTER] WELL, TIME CERTAINLY FLIES,

[LIGHT LAUGHTER] WELL, TIME CERTAINLY FLIES, DOESN'T IT?

WELL, TIME CERTAINLY FLIES, DOESN'T IT? HAVING TROUBLE SELECTING A

DOESN'T IT? HAVING TROUBLE SELECTING A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR

HAVING TROUBLE SELECTING A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR STALLION?

CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR STALLION? WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.

STALLION? WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP. IT'S THE LATEST STYLE IN ANIMAL

WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP. IT'S THE LATEST STYLE IN ANIMAL FOOTWEAR... EARTH HORSESHOES.

IT'S THE LATEST STYLE IN ANIMAL FOOTWEAR... EARTH HORSESHOES. MANUFACTURERS SAY THAT THEY ARE

FOOTWEAR... EARTH HORSESHOES. MANUFACTURERS SAY THAT THEY ARE LIKE ORDINARY SHOES EXCEPT THE

MANUFACTURERS SAY THAT THEY ARE LIKE ORDINARY SHOES EXCEPT THE HEELS ARE LOWER THAN THE TOES.

LIKE ORDINARY SHOES EXCEPT THE HEELS ARE LOWER THAN THE TOES. HONEST PLEASURE, PICTURED HERE,

HEELS ARE LOWER THAN THE TOES. HONEST PLEASURE, PICTURED HERE, SAYS HE WEARS THEM AND THAT,

HONEST PLEASURE, PICTURED HERE, SAYS HE WEARS THEM AND THAT, QUOTE, "IT'S REAL MELLOW.

SAYS HE WEARS THEM AND THAT, QUOTE, "IT'S REAL MELLOW. IT'S LIKE I'M STANDING IN A

QUOTE, "IT'S REAL MELLOW. IT'S LIKE I'M STANDING IN A LOTUS POSITION."

IT'S LIKE I'M STANDING IN A LOTUS POSITION." [SNORTS]

LOTUS POSITION." [SNORTS] END QUOTE.

[SNORTS] END QUOTE. [APPLAUSE]

END QUOTE. [APPLAUSE] FROM TIME TO TIME,

[APPLAUSE] FROM TIME TO TIME, "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS

FROM TIME TO TIME, "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO IMPORTANT

"WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO IMPORTANT ISSUES.

OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO IMPORTANT ISSUES. NOW, HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL

ISSUES. NOW, HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS MISS EMILY LITELLA.

NOW, HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS MISS EMILY LITELLA. UM, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I

REPLY IS MISS EMILY LITELLA. UM, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT, THIS

UM, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT, THIS CHRISTMAS, THE UNITED NATIONS IS

KEEP HEARING ABOUT, THIS CHRISTMAS, THE UNITED NATIONS IS COLLECTING MONEY FOR UNISEX?

NOW, DON'T THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE

HAVE ENOUGH BEAUTY PARLORS AND

CLOTHING STORES AS IT IS?

I MEAN, DO THEY NEED MORE?

WHY, THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE,

THESE UNISEX PLACES.

THE UNITED NATIONS SHOULD BE

GIVING MONEY TO LITTLE CHILDREN

OVERSEAS... CHILDREN WHO CAN USE

IT... NOT TO THESE WEIRDOS!

WHY, IT'S OUTRAGEOUS! MISS LITELLA? WHAT? WHAT?

MISS LITELLA? WHAT? WHAT? UH, THAT'S UNICEF, NOT

WHAT? WHAT? UH, THAT'S UNICEF, NOT UNISEX.

UH, THAT'S UNICEF, NOT UNISEX. THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT UNICEF,

UNISEX. THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT UNICEF, THE UNITED NATIONS INTERNATIONAL

THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT UNICEF, THE UNITED NATIONS INTERNATIONAL CHILDREN'S EMERGENCY FUND, NOT

THE UNITED NATIONS INTERNATIONAL CHILDREN'S EMERGENCY FUND, NOT UNISEX.

CHILDREN'S EMERGENCY FUND, NOT UNISEX. UNICEF.

UNISEX. UNICEF. OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY

UNICEF. OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT. NEVER MIND.

DIFFERENT. NEVER MIND. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UH, JUST, UM, ONE MORE THING, MISS CLAYTON. UM, I WAS WONDERING WHY, EVER

MISS CLAYTON. UM, I WAS WONDERING WHY, EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN DOING

UM, I WAS WONDERING WHY, EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN DOING "UPDATE," I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN DOING "UPDATE," I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE SHOW TOO MUCH.

"UPDATE," I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE SHOW TOO MUCH. I MEAN, I USED TO BE ON QUITE

SHOW TOO MUCH. I MEAN, I USED TO BE ON QUITE OFTEN.

I MEAN, I USED TO BE ON QUITE OFTEN. YES, WELL, MISS LITELLA, YOU

OFTEN. YES, WELL, MISS LITELLA, YOU CAN BE ON AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE,

YES, WELL, MISS LITELLA, YOU CAN BE ON AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE, AS LONG AS YOU COME UP WITH

CAN BE ON AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE, AS LONG AS YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING FUNNIER THAN UNISEX.

AS LONG AS YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING FUNNIER THAN UNISEX. WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST...

SOMETHING FUNNIER THAN UNISEX. WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST... GOOD.

WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST... GOOD. BITCH.

GOOD. BITCH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BITCH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S ALL THE NEWS FOR

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S ALL THE NEWS FOR TONIGHT.

THAT'S ALL THE NEWS FOR TONIGHT. THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY

TONIGHT. THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY PLEASANT HOLIDAY.

THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY PLEASANT HOLIDAY. [APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

PLEASANT HOLIDAY. [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES] Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, FRANK ZAPPA!

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, FRANK ZAPPA! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FRANK ZAPPA! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS "PURPLE LAGOON"]

["PURPLE LAGOON" CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER] [SINGING SCAT]

♪ DOO LAU ♪ ♪ DOO LAU ♪ [SINGING SCAT]

♪ DOO LAU ♪ [SINGING SCAT] ♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪

[SINGING SCAT] ♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪ ♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪

♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪ ♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪ [SINGING SCAT]

♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪ [SINGING SCAT] [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[SINGING SCAT] [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE] ♪ DOODLE LA ♪

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE] ♪ DOODLE LA ♪ ♪ DOODLE LA ♪

♪ DOODLE LA ♪ ♪ DOODLE LA ♪ [SINGING SCAT]

♪ DOODLE LA ♪ [SINGING SCAT] [KAZOO PLAYS]

[SINGING SCAT] [KAZOO PLAYS] [KAZOOS PLAY]

[KAZOO PLAYS] [KAZOOS PLAY] [KAZOO PLAYS]

[KAZOOS PLAY] [KAZOO PLAYS] ♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪

[KAZOO PLAYS] ♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪ ♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪ ♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪ [SINGING SCAT]

♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪ [SINGING SCAT] ♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪

[SINGING SCAT] ♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪ ♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪

♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪ ♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪ ♪ OH, AH, OH, AH ♪

♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪ ♪ OH, AH, OH, AH ♪ ♪ OH, AH ♪

♪ OH, AH, OH, AH ♪ ♪ OH, AH ♪ ♪ OH, AH ♪

♪ OH, AH ♪ ♪ OH, AH ♪ [SAXOPHONE PLAYS]

♪ OH, AH ♪ [SAXOPHONE PLAYS] [SAXOPHONES PLAY]

[SAXOPHONE PLAYS] [SAXOPHONES PLAY] [SAXOPHONE PLAYS]

[SAXOPHONES PLAY] [SAXOPHONE PLAYS] [BAND PLAYS "PURPLE LAGOON "]

[SAXOPHONE PLAYS] [BAND PLAYS "PURPLE LAGOON "] [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

["PURPLE LAGOON" CONTINUES] [MUSIC STOPS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪

O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪ ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪

♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪ ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪

♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪ ♪ DU GRUENST NICHT NUR

♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪ ♪ DU GRUENST NICHT NUR ZUR SOMMERZEIT ♪

♪ DU GRUENST NICHT NUR ZUR SOMMERZEIT ♪ ♪ NEIN AUCH IM WINTER

ZUR SOMMERZEIT ♪ ♪ NEIN AUCH IM WINTER WENN ES SCHNEIT ♪

♪ NEIN AUCH IM WINTER WENN ES SCHNEIT ♪ ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBA... ♪

WENN ES SCHNEIT ♪ ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBA... ♪ AAH!

♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBA... ♪ AAH! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

AAH! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Announcer: "THE KILLER

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Announcer: "THE KILLER TREES."

Announcer: "THE KILLER TREES." YEAH.

TREES." YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID. YOU HEARD ME!

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID. YOU HEARD ME! THEY'RE KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES!

YOU HEARD ME! THEY'RE KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES! THEY'RE DESPERATE TREES, CHIEF.

THEY'RE KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES! THEY'RE DESPERATE TREES, CHIEF. THEY WON'T JUST SETTLE FOR

THEY'RE DESPERATE TREES, CHIEF. THEY WON'T JUST SETTLE FOR TINSEL AND CANDY CANES.

THEY WON'T JUST SETTLE FOR TINSEL AND CANDY CANES. THEY WANT BLOOD.

TINSEL AND CANDY CANES. THEY WANT BLOOD. I DON'T KNOW, CHIEF.

THEY WANT BLOOD. I DON'T KNOW, CHIEF. THEY'RE SOME KIND OF MUTANT!

I DON'T KNOW, CHIEF. THEY'RE SOME KIND OF MUTANT! WELL, THEY HEAR THE TRADITIONAL

THEY'RE SOME KIND OF MUTANT! WELL, THEY HEAR THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS HYMN "O TANNENBAUM,"

WELL, THEY HEAR THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS HYMN "O TANNENBAUM," AND THEN THEY KILL.

CHRISTMAS HYMN "O TANNENBAUM," AND THEN THEY KILL. LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A

AND THEN THEY KILL. LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A FULL-SCALE ECOLOGICAL DISASTER

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A FULL-SCALE ECOLOGICAL DISASTER ON OUR HANDS.

FULL-SCALE ECOLOGICAL DISASTER ON OUR HANDS. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS

ON OUR HANDS. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS I CAN.

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS I CAN. YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

I CAN. YEAH. ALL RIGHT. THESE TREES GOT AN M.O.?

YEAH. ALL RIGHT. THESE TREES GOT AN M.O.? WELL, THEY FORCE THEMSELVES

THESE TREES GOT AN M.O.? WELL, THEY FORCE THEMSELVES ONTO CHRISTMAS-TREE LOTS WHERE

WELL, THEY FORCE THEMSELVES ONTO CHRISTMAS-TREE LOTS WHERE THEY LURE THEIR VICTIMS...

ONTO CHRISTMAS-TREE LOTS WHERE THEY LURE THEIR VICTIMS... UNSUSPECTING CHRISTMAS-TREE

THEY LURE THEIR VICTIMS... UNSUSPECTING CHRISTMAS-TREE BUYERS.

UNSUSPECTING CHRISTMAS-TREE BUYERS. HOW DO THEY DO IT?

BUYERS. HOW DO THEY DO IT? WELL, BY LOOKING FULL AND

HOW DO THEY DO IT? WELL, BY LOOKING FULL AND BUSHY AND STANDING CLOSE TO

WELL, BY LOOKING FULL AND BUSHY AND STANDING CLOSE TO WHERE THEIR CARS ARE PARKED.

BUSHY AND STANDING CLOSE TO WHERE THEIR CARS ARE PARKED. AND THEY'RE VERY SMART.

WHERE THEIR CARS ARE PARKED. AND THEY'RE VERY SMART. THEY KEEP THEIR PRICES LOW BY

AND THEY'RE VERY SMART. THEY KEEP THEIR PRICES LOW BY CONSTANTLY MARKING THEMSELVES

THEY KEEP THEIR PRICES LOW BY CONSTANTLY MARKING THEMSELVES DOWN.

CONSTANTLY MARKING THEMSELVES DOWN. SOUNDS LIKE A TOUGH CASE TO

DOWN. SOUNDS LIKE A TOUGH CASE TO CRACK.

SOUNDS LIKE A TOUGH CASE TO CRACK. WE GOT TO CRACK IT...

CRACK. WE GOT TO CRACK IT... OR A LOT OF LITTLE KIDS WHO

WE GOT TO CRACK IT... OR A LOT OF LITTLE KIDS WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA GET A

OR A LOT OF LITTLE KIDS WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA GET A BICYCLE WILL END UP WITH A

THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA GET A BICYCLE WILL END UP WITH A PIERCED THORAX.

BICYCLE WILL END UP WITH A PIERCED THORAX. OKAY. LET'S ROLL.

PIERCED THORAX. OKAY. LET'S ROLL. YEAH.

OKAY. LET'S ROLL. YEAH. [UPBEAT VERSION OF

YEAH. [UPBEAT VERSION OF "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

[UPBEAT VERSION OF "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS] WELL, GOOD NIGHT,

["O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS] WELL, GOOD NIGHT, MRS. RODRIGUEZ.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, MRS. RODRIGUEZ. UM, Y FELIZ NAVIDAD.

MRS. RODRIGUEZ. UM, Y FELIZ NAVIDAD. GOOD NIGHT!

UM, Y FELIZ NAVIDAD. GOOD NIGHT! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,

GOOD NIGHT! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, MISS VAVESEUR!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, MISS VAVESEUR! ♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪

MISS VAVESEUR! ♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ HELLO? HELLO, MAMA?

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪ HELLO? HELLO, MAMA? MAMA, YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO

HELLO? HELLO, MAMA? MAMA, YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU.

MAMA, YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU. RIGHT, I DECIDED WHAT TO GIVE

TELL YOU. RIGHT, I DECIDED WHAT TO GIVE LITTLE JOSé FOR CHRISTMAS FOR

RIGHT, I DECIDED WHAT TO GIVE LITTLE JOSé FOR CHRISTMAS FOR HIM TO PLAY WITH.

LITTLE JOSé FOR CHRISTMAS FOR HIM TO PLAY WITH. YEAH, A BOX OF KLEENEX.

HIM TO PLAY WITH. YEAH, A BOX OF KLEENEX. YEAH, HE CAN PUT IT IN HIS NOSE

YEAH, A BOX OF KLEENEX. YEAH, HE CAN PUT IT IN HIS NOSE AND STUFF.

YEAH, HE CAN PUT IT IN HIS NOSE AND STUFF. RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SAY IT'S

AND STUFF. RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SAY IT'S FROM YOU, TOO... FROM BOTH OF

RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SAY IT'S FROM YOU, TOO... FROM BOTH OF US.

FROM YOU, TOO... FROM BOTH OF US. OKAY, MAMA, ENJOY THE TURKEY

US. OKAY, MAMA, ENJOY THE TURKEY CARCASS.

OKAY, MAMA, ENJOY THE TURKEY CARCASS. GOODBYE!

CARCASS. GOODBYE! [High-pitched] ♪ O

GOODBYE! [High-pitched] ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪

[High-pitched] ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ LA LA LA, OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ LA LA LA, OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ LA LA LA, OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ LA DA DA ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪ ♪ LA DA DA ♪ ♪ DA DA ♪

♪ LA DA DA ♪ ♪ DA DA ♪ AAH!

♪ DA DA ♪ AAH! [SCREAMING]

AAH! [SCREAMING] SANTA CLAUS!

[SCREAMING] SANTA CLAUS! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

SANTA CLAUS! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [Sobbing] OH! OH, GOD!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [Sobbing] OH! OH, GOD! OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN FOR A

[Sobbing] OH! OH, GOD! OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN FOR A MINUTE.

OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN FOR A MINUTE. WE JUST HAVE TO PIECE THIS THING

MINUTE. WE JUST HAVE TO PIECE THIS THING TOGETHER NOW.

WE JUST HAVE TO PIECE THIS THING TOGETHER NOW. YOU SAY YOU HEARD THE SCREAM.

TOGETHER NOW. YOU SAY YOU HEARD THE SCREAM. WHEN YOU HEARD THE SCREAM, YOU

YOU SAY YOU HEARD THE SCREAM. WHEN YOU HEARD THE SCREAM, YOU RAN BACK IN, AND YOU SAW THE

WHEN YOU HEARD THE SCREAM, YOU RAN BACK IN, AND YOU SAW THE KILLER.

RAN BACK IN, AND YOU SAW THE KILLER. THAT'S ALL WE WANT.

KILLER. THAT'S ALL WE WANT. WHAT DID YOU SEE?

THAT'S ALL WE WANT. WHAT DID YOU SEE? JUST A ROUGH DESCRIPTION.

WHAT DID YOU SEE? JUST A ROUGH DESCRIPTION. NOW, JUST CALM DOWN HERE, ALL

JUST A ROUGH DESCRIPTION. NOW, JUST CALM DOWN HERE, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, JUST CALM DOWN HERE, ALL RIGHT? CALM DOWN AND DESCRIBE THE

RIGHT? CALM DOWN AND DESCRIBE THE KILLER TO OUR POLICE ARTIST

CALM DOWN AND DESCRIBE THE KILLER TO OUR POLICE ARTIST HERE, SERGEANT NAGEY.

KILLER TO OUR POLICE ARTIST HERE, SERGEANT NAGEY. TRY TO DESCRIBE IT, NOW.

HERE, SERGEANT NAGEY. TRY TO DESCRIBE IT, NOW. WAS HE TALL? SHORT?

TRY TO DESCRIBE IT, NOW. WAS HE TALL? SHORT? HE WAS VERY TALL.

WAS HE TALL? SHORT? HE WAS VERY TALL. HE WAS SO TALL.

HE WAS VERY TALL. HE WAS SO TALL. AND REALLY BUSHY, VERY BUSHY...

HE WAS SO TALL. AND REALLY BUSHY, VERY BUSHY... WITH A LOT OF REALLY NEAT

AND REALLY BUSHY, VERY BUSHY... WITH A LOT OF REALLY NEAT ORNAMENTS.

WITH A LOT OF REALLY NEAT ORNAMENTS. OH, GOD!

ORNAMENTS. OH, GOD! SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

OH, GOD! SOMETHING LIKE THIS? OH, NO!

SOMETHING LIKE THIS? OH, NO! THAT'S IT!

OH, NO! THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE KILLER!

THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE KILLER! SEND IT OUT OVER THE WIRE

THAT'S THE KILLER! SEND IT OUT OVER THE WIRE SERVICES.

SEND IT OUT OVER THE WIRE SERVICES. HURRY UP, COME ON.

SERVICES. HURRY UP, COME ON. OKAY, NOW, UH, WE NEED ONE MORE

HURRY UP, COME ON. OKAY, NOW, UH, WE NEED ONE MORE THING.

OKAY, NOW, UH, WE NEED ONE MORE THING. WE NEED YOU TO IDENTIFY SOME

THING. WE NEED YOU TO IDENTIFY SOME SUSPECTS, ALL RIGHT?

WE NEED YOU TO IDENTIFY SOME SUSPECTS, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SHOW

SUSPECTS, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A LINE-UP, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A LINE-UP, ALL RIGHT? YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

YOU A LINE-UP, ALL RIGHT? YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT? COME ON, LET'S GO.

YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT? COME ON, LET'S GO. [UPBEAT VERSION OF

COME ON, LET'S GO. [UPBEAT VERSION OF "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

[UPBEAT VERSION OF "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS] OKAY, MISS VAVESEUR, NOW, YOU'RE

["O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS] OKAY, MISS VAVESEUR, NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING THROUGH ONE-WAY GLASS.

OKAY, MISS VAVESEUR, NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING THROUGH ONE-WAY GLASS. NOBODY CAN SEE YOU.

LOOKING THROUGH ONE-WAY GLASS. NOBODY CAN SEE YOU. LOOK AT THESE THREE SUSPECTS AND

NOBODY CAN SEE YOU. LOOK AT THESE THREE SUSPECTS AND TELL US WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS

LOOK AT THESE THREE SUSPECTS AND TELL US WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS THE KILLER.

TELL US WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS THE KILLER. UH, I DON'T KNOW.

THE KILLER. UH, I DON'T KNOW. THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME.

UH, I DON'T KNOW. THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME. UH-HUH.

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME. UH-HUH. WAIT A MINUTE!

UH-HUH. WAIT A MINUTE! I GOT A HUNCH.

WAIT A MINUTE! I GOT A HUNCH. IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT

I GOT A HUNCH. IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK. SIMON SAYS, "SHAKE YOUR

WORK. SIMON SAYS, "SHAKE YOUR BRANCHES!"

SIMON SAYS, "SHAKE YOUR BRANCHES!" SIMON SAYS, "JIGGLE YOUR

BRANCHES!" SIMON SAYS, "JIGGLE YOUR ORNAMENTS!"

SIMON SAYS, "JIGGLE YOUR ORNAMENTS!" KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU!

ORNAMENTS!" KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU! OKAY.

KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU! OKAY. SIMON SAYS, "KILL THE PERSON

OKAY. SIMON SAYS, "KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU."

SIMON SAYS, "KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU." [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

NEXT TO YOU." [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] WELL, I THINK WE'VE GOT OUR

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] WELL, I THINK WE'VE GOT OUR TREE.

WELL, I THINK WE'VE GOT OUR TREE. THESE TREES ARE SMART, BUT

TREE. THESE TREES ARE SMART, BUT THEY'RE NOT THAT SMART.

THESE TREES ARE SMART, BUT THEY'RE NOT THAT SMART. OKAY, ONE MORE THING,

THEY'RE NOT THAT SMART. OKAY, ONE MORE THING, MISS VAVESEUR.

OKAY, ONE MORE THING, MISS VAVESEUR. WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT TREE?

MISS VAVESEUR. WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT TREE? THE TREE.

WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT TREE? THE TREE. I BOUGHT IT AT A LOT DOWN THE

THE TREE. I BOUGHT IT AT A LOT DOWN THE STREET.

I BOUGHT IT AT A LOT DOWN THE STREET. IT'S THE SAME PLACE WHERE I

STREET. IT'S THE SAME PLACE WHERE I BOUGHT THE TREE FOR MY

IT'S THE SAME PLACE WHERE I BOUGHT THE TREE FOR MY APARTMENT.

BOUGHT THE TREE FOR MY APARTMENT. THAT MEANS THAT ONE IN YOUR

APARTMENT. THAT MEANS THAT ONE IN YOUR APARTMENT MIGHT BE A KILLER,

THAT MEANS THAT ONE IN YOUR APARTMENT MIGHT BE A KILLER, TOO.

APARTMENT MIGHT BE A KILLER, TOO. YEAH, BUT WE CAN ONLY ARREST

TOO. YEAH, BUT WE CAN ONLY ARREST HIM IF WE CATCH HIM THE ACT.

YEAH, BUT WE CAN ONLY ARREST HIM IF WE CATCH HIM THE ACT. I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE

HIM IF WE CATCH HIM THE ACT. I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK FOR ONE MORE THING.

I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK FOR ONE MORE THING. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO

TO ASK FOR ONE MORE THING. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACT AS A DECOY, OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACT AS A DECOY, OKAY? NOW, UH, DON'T...

ACT AS A DECOY, OKAY? NOW, UH, DON'T... IF YOU JUST START SINGING

NOW, UH, DON'T... IF YOU JUST START SINGING "O TANNENBAUM," OKAY, IN THE

IF YOU JUST START SINGING "O TANNENBAUM," OKAY, IN THE APARTMENT WITH THE TREE.

"O TANNENBAUM," OKAY, IN THE APARTMENT WITH THE TREE. YOU'LL ACT AS A DECOY.

APARTMENT WITH THE TREE. YOU'LL ACT AS A DECOY. IF YOU NEED US, WE'LL BE RIGHT

YOU'LL ACT AS A DECOY. IF YOU NEED US, WE'LL BE RIGHT OUTSIDE.

IF YOU NEED US, WE'LL BE RIGHT OUTSIDE. WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

OUTSIDE. WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE. JUST YELL. OKAY?

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE. JUST YELL. OKAY? OKAY? YOU WITH US?

JUST YELL. OKAY? OKAY? YOU WITH US? OKAY, LET'S GO.

OKAY? YOU WITH US? OKAY, LET'S GO. GET A TASK FORCE OVER THERE

OKAY, LET'S GO. GET A TASK FORCE OVER THERE RIGHT AWAY.

GET A TASK FORCE OVER THERE RIGHT AWAY. I'LL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO

RIGHT AWAY. I'LL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO SPARE THE LIVES OF INNOCENT

I'LL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO SPARE THE LIVES OF INNOCENT GENTILES.

SPARE THE LIVES OF INNOCENT GENTILES. OKAY.

GENTILES. OKAY. I'LL CALL THE TASK FORCE.

OKAY. I'LL CALL THE TASK FORCE. I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE.

I'LL CALL THE TASK FORCE. I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE. YES, THIS IS

I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE. YES, THIS IS LIEUTENANT BUSHAKIS.

YES, THIS IS LIEUTENANT BUSHAKIS. I WANT 10 SQUAD CARS AND 4

LIEUTENANT BUSHAKIS. I WANT 10 SQUAD CARS AND 4 PATROL CARS OUTSIDE 29 WEST

I WANT 10 SQUAD CARS AND 4 PATROL CARS OUTSIDE 29 WEST STREET.

PATROL CARS OUTSIDE 29 WEST STREET. AND, JUST IN CASE, SEND AN

STREET. AND, JUST IN CASE, SEND AN AMBULANCE...

AND, JUST IN CASE, SEND AN AMBULANCE... WITH A TREE SURGEON.

AMBULANCE... WITH A TREE SURGEON. THAT'S RIGHT.

WITH A TREE SURGEON. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. DO IT FAST, PAL.

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. DO IT FAST, PAL. [UPBEAT VERSION OF

DO IT FAST, PAL. [UPBEAT VERSION OF "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

[CLEARS THROAT] WELL... WELL...

WELL... WELL... BOY, DO I EVER WANT TO GET

WELL... BOY, DO I EVER WANT TO GET PIERCED IN THE THORAX!

BOY, DO I EVER WANT TO GET PIERCED IN THE THORAX! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

PIERCED IN THE THORAX! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] [High-pitched] ♪ O

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] [High-pitched] ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪

[High-pitched] ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ O KILLER TREES,

TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ ♪ O KILLER TREES, O KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES ♪

♪ O KILLER TREES, O KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES ♪ ♪ I WANT TO FEEL YOUR BRANCHES

O KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES ♪ ♪ I WANT TO FEEL YOUR BRANCHES IN ME ♪

♪ I WANT TO FEEL YOUR BRANCHES IN ME ♪ AAH! AAH!

IN ME ♪ AAH! AAH! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

AAH! AAH! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] WELL, WE SAID WE'D BE

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] WELL, WE SAID WE'D BE OUTSIDE, BUT WE DIDN'T SAY WE'D

WELL, WE SAID WE'D BE OUTSIDE, BUT WE DIDN'T SAY WE'D DO ANYTHING.

OUTSIDE, BUT WE DIDN'T SAY WE'D DO ANYTHING. YEAH.

DO ANYTHING. YEAH. WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER TAKE

YEAH. WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER TAKE THIS TREE DOWNTOWN.

WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER TAKE THIS TREE DOWNTOWN. OKAY.

THIS TREE DOWNTOWN. OKAY. OKAY, TREE!

OKAY. OKAY, TREE! YOU'RE COMIN' WITH US. COME ON.

OKAY, TREE! YOU'RE COMIN' WITH US. COME ON. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONE PHONE

YOU'RE COMIN' WITH US. COME ON. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONE PHONE CALL.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONE PHONE CALL. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN

CALL. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE

SILENT. ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.

USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW. HEY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE

LAW. HEY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE GUY BEHIND IT?

HEY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE GUY BEHIND IT? WHAT? THIS GUY?

GUY BEHIND IT? WHAT? THIS GUY? HE'S JUST AN INNOCENT STAGEHAND.

WHAT? THIS GUY? HE'S JUST AN INNOCENT STAGEHAND. HE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO

HE'S JUST AN INNOCENT STAGEHAND. HE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

HE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. WELL, WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN

WITH IT. WELL, WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN AND BOOK HIM AS AN ACCOMPLICE.

WELL, WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN AND BOOK HIM AS AN ACCOMPLICE. IT'S SO SAD, YOU KNOW,

AND BOOK HIM AS AN ACCOMPLICE. IT'S SO SAD, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE... SHE LOOKED LIKE AN

IT'S SO SAD, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE... SHE LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL.

BECAUSE... SHE LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL. AND NOW... SHE IS ONE.

ANGEL. AND NOW... SHE IS ONE. I GUESS...

AND NOW... SHE IS ONE. I GUESS... THIS CASE... IS CLOSED.

I GUESS... THIS CASE... IS CLOSED. [UPBEAT VERSION OF

THIS CASE... IS CLOSED. [UPBEAT VERSION OF "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. IT'S ABOUT DIANA NYAD, THE

FILM BY GARY WEIS. IT'S ABOUT DIANA NYAD, THE MARATHON SWIMMER WHO SWAM AROUND

IT'S ABOUT DIANA NYAD, THE MARATHON SWIMMER WHO SWAM AROUND MANHATTAN ISLAND.

MARATHON SWIMMER WHO SWAM AROUND MANHATTAN ISLAND. [APPLAUSE]

MANHATTAN ISLAND. [APPLAUSE] DIANA'S BEEN A BIG INFLUENCE

[APPLAUSE] DIANA'S BEEN A BIG INFLUENCE ON ME AS FAR AS MY DEFINITIONS

DIANA'S BEEN A BIG INFLUENCE ON ME AS FAR AS MY DEFINITIONS OF WHAT A WOMAN CAN BE AND

ON ME AS FAR AS MY DEFINITIONS OF WHAT A WOMAN CAN BE AND WHAT A WOMAN IS.

OF WHAT A WOMAN CAN BE AND WHAT A WOMAN IS. SHE'S THE FIRST WOMAN I'VE MET

WHAT A WOMAN IS. SHE'S THE FIRST WOMAN I'VE MET IN MY LIFE THAT SAT DOWN AND

SHE'S THE FIRST WOMAN I'VE MET IN MY LIFE THAT SAT DOWN AND SAID, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT, AND

IN MY LIFE THAT SAT DOWN AND SAID, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT, AND I'M GONNA GET IT.

SAID, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT, AND I'M GONNA GET IT. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL

I'M GONNA GET IT. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL WHAT ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL WHAT ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD THINKS."

WHAT ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD THINKS." [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

I HAVE BEEN SWIMMING NOW FOR OVER 15 YEARS, OVER 4 HOURS A DAY, SOMETIMES 5, SOMETIMES 6.

THE AVERAGE HEARTBEAT IS 72 TO 75 BEATS A MINUTE. THE AVERAGE TRAINED ATHLETE IS

75 BEATS A MINUTE. THE AVERAGE TRAINED ATHLETE IS FROM 60 TO 70.

THE AVERAGE TRAINED ATHLETE IS FROM 60 TO 70. MY HEARTBEAT IS 45 IN THE

FROM 60 TO 70. MY HEARTBEAT IS 45 IN THE MORNING AT REST.

MY HEARTBEAT IS 45 IN THE MORNING AT REST. UM, I CAN GET IT UP TO 180 WHEN

MORNING AT REST. UM, I CAN GET IT UP TO 180 WHEN I'M WORKING VERY HARD, BUT THE

UM, I CAN GET IT UP TO 180 WHEN I'M WORKING VERY HARD, BUT THE POINT ABOUT BEING IN SHAPE IS

I'M WORKING VERY HARD, BUT THE POINT ABOUT BEING IN SHAPE IS THAT IT COMES BACK DOWN VERY

POINT ABOUT BEING IN SHAPE IS THAT IT COMES BACK DOWN VERY QUICKLY.

I, UM, HOLD THE WORLD RECORD FOR SWIMMING FROM CAPRI TO NAPLES IN ITALY, AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON

SWIMMING FROM CAPRI TO NAPLES IN ITALY, AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON TO HAVE CROSSED LAKE ONTARIO,

ITALY, AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON TO HAVE CROSSED LAKE ONTARIO, WHICH TOOK 18 HOURS, 20 MINUTES.

TO HAVE CROSSED LAKE ONTARIO, WHICH TOOK 18 HOURS, 20 MINUTES. I HOLD THE RECORD FOR SWIMMING

WHICH TOOK 18 HOURS, 20 MINUTES. I HOLD THE RECORD FOR SWIMMING AROUND MANHATTAN ISLAND IN A

I HOLD THE RECORD FOR SWIMMING AROUND MANHATTAN ISLAND IN A LITTLE UNDER 8 HOURS.

WHEN I'M SWIMMING DURING THE TOUGHEST SEASONS OF THE YEAR, I EAT 12,000 TO 12,500 CALORIES A

TOUGHEST SEASONS OF THE YEAR, I EAT 12,000 TO 12,500 CALORIES A DAY, WHICH IS AT LEAST 10 TIMES

EAT 12,000 TO 12,500 CALORIES A DAY, WHICH IS AT LEAST 10 TIMES WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON EATS.

DAY, WHICH IS AT LEAST 10 TIMES WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON EATS. DIANA NYAD IS OUR COACH ON

WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON EATS. DIANA NYAD IS OUR COACH ON THE BARNARD COLLEGE SWIM TEAM.

DIANA NYAD IS OUR COACH ON THE BARNARD COLLEGE SWIM TEAM. SHE REALLY HAS BEEN AN

THE BARNARD COLLEGE SWIM TEAM. SHE REALLY HAS BEEN AN INSPIRATION FOR ALL OF US.

SHE REALLY HAS BEEN AN INSPIRATION FOR ALL OF US. KNOWING DIANA HAS MADE ME SEE

INSPIRATION FOR ALL OF US. KNOWING DIANA HAS MADE ME SEE THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I

KNOWING DIANA HAS MADE ME SEE THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO.

THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO. SHE DEMANDS PERFECTION FROM YOU

WANT TO DO. SHE DEMANDS PERFECTION FROM YOU IN EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON'T

SHE DEMANDS PERFECTION FROM YOU IN EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON'T MIND GIVING IT TO HER BECAUSE

IN EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON'T MIND GIVING IT TO HER BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SHE DEMANDS IT

MIND GIVING IT TO HER BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SHE DEMANDS IT FROM HERSELF.

FROM A MILE OUT, I CAN HEAR THE CLAPPING AND THE SCREAMING. PEOPLE REALIZE I SWAM FROM A

THE CLAPPING AND THE SCREAMING. PEOPLE REALIZE I SWAM FROM A PLACE THAT THEY COULDN'T EVEN

PEOPLE REALIZE I SWAM FROM A PLACE THAT THEY COULDN'T EVEN SEE ON THE CLEAREST DAY.

PLACE THAT THEY COULDN'T EVEN SEE ON THE CLEAREST DAY. THEY KNOW I MAY FAINT WHEN I

SEE ON THE CLEAREST DAY. THEY KNOW I MAY FAINT WHEN I ARRIVE.

THEY KNOW I MAY FAINT WHEN I ARRIVE. THEY SHARE WITH ME THE MOST

ARRIVE. THEY SHARE WITH ME THE MOST EXTREME MOMENT OF ALL, FOR,

THEY SHARE WITH ME THE MOST EXTREME MOMENT OF ALL, FOR, AFTER THE PAIN, THE COLD, THE

EXTREME MOMENT OF ALL, FOR, AFTER THE PAIN, THE COLD, THE HOURS, THE DISTANCE, AFTER THE

AFTER THE PAIN, THE COLD, THE HOURS, THE DISTANCE, AFTER THE FATIGUE AND THE LONELINESS...

HOURS, THE DISTANCE, AFTER THE FATIGUE AND THE LONELINESS... AFTER ALL THIS COMES MY

FATIGUE AND THE LONELINESS... AFTER ALL THIS COMES MY EMERGENCE.

AFTER ALL THIS COMES MY EMERGENCE. AND MY EMERGENCE IS WHAT IT'S

EMERGENCE. AND MY EMERGENCE IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

[APPLAUSE]

WELL, IT'S THE LAST SHOW BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND AFTER IT'S OVER, WE'LL PROBABLY ALL GO OUT

BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND AFTER IT'S OVER, WE'LL PROBABLY ALL GO OUT AND CELEBRATE BEFORE HEADING OUR

OVER, WE'LL PROBABLY ALL GO OUT AND CELEBRATE BEFORE HEADING OUR SEPARATE WAYS FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

AND CELEBRATE BEFORE HEADING OUR SEPARATE WAYS FOR THE HOLIDAYS. GILDA'S GOING HOME TO DETROIT,

SEPARATE WAYS FOR THE HOLIDAYS. GILDA'S GOING HOME TO DETROIT, DANNY UP TO CANADA, LARAINE TO

GILDA'S GOING HOME TO DETROIT, DANNY UP TO CANADA, LARAINE TO LOS ANGELES, JANE WILL STAY HERE

DANNY UP TO CANADA, LARAINE TO LOS ANGELES, JANE WILL STAY HERE WITH PATRICK, AND, I GUESS,

LOS ANGELES, JANE WILL STAY HERE WITH PATRICK, AND, I GUESS, GARRETT WILL BE GOING BACK TO

WITH PATRICK, AND, I GUESS, GARRETT WILL BE GOING BACK TO AFRICA.

GARRETT WILL BE GOING BACK TO AFRICA. YES, EVERYBODY'S GOING HOME...

AFRICA. YES, EVERYBODY'S GOING HOME... EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR BELUSHI.

YES, EVERYBODY'S GOING HOME... EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR BELUSHI. NOW, WE ALL WANT TO HELP JOHN,

EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR BELUSHI. NOW, WE ALL WANT TO HELP JOHN, BUT, THEN, WE'VE ALL HELPED HIM

NOW, WE ALL WANT TO HELP JOHN, BUT, THEN, WE'VE ALL HELPED HIM SO MUCH ALREADY... PUTTING HIM

BUT, THEN, WE'VE ALL HELPED HIM SO MUCH ALREADY... PUTTING HIM UP, TALKING OVER HIS PROBLEMS

SO MUCH ALREADY... PUTTING HIM UP, TALKING OVER HIS PROBLEMS WITH HIM, LENDING HIM MONEY.

UP, TALKING OVER HIS PROBLEMS WITH HIM, LENDING HIM MONEY. SO NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO HELP.

WITH HIM, LENDING HIM MONEY. SO NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO HELP. AND, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU LIKE

SO NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO HELP. AND, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU LIKE GOOD ACTING AND YOU JUST PLAIN

AND, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU LIKE GOOD ACTING AND YOU JUST PLAIN GET OFF ON GOOD VIBES, THEN

GOOD ACTING AND YOU JUST PLAIN GET OFF ON GOOD VIBES, THEN HERE'S AN OFFER YOU JUST CAN'T

GET OFF ON GOOD VIBES, THEN HERE'S AN OFFER YOU JUST CAN'T REFUSE.

HERE'S AN OFFER YOU JUST CAN'T REFUSE. "SATURDAY NIGHT" PROUDLY

REFUSE. "SATURDAY NIGHT" PROUDLY ANNOUNCES THE "ADOPT BELUSHI FOR

"SATURDAY NIGHT" PROUDLY ANNOUNCES THE "ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS" CONTEST.

ANNOUNCES THE "ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS" CONTEST. WRITE IN IMMEDIATELY AND STATE

CHRISTMAS" CONTEST. WRITE IN IMMEDIATELY AND STATE YOUR CASE IN 20 WORDS OR LESS

WRITE IN IMMEDIATELY AND STATE YOUR CASE IN 20 WORDS OR LESS WHY YOU ARE THE IDEAL FAMILY TO

YOUR CASE IN 20 WORDS OR LESS WHY YOU ARE THE IDEAL FAMILY TO ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS.

WHY YOU ARE THE IDEAL FAMILY TO ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS. WITH HIS SWARTHY GOOD LOOKS,

ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS. WITH HIS SWARTHY GOOD LOOKS, JOHN WILL APPEAR RIGHT AT HOME

WITH HIS SWARTHY GOOD LOOKS, JOHN WILL APPEAR RIGHT AT HOME IN ANY FAMILY WITH A DEPRESSED

JOHN WILL APPEAR RIGHT AT HOME IN ANY FAMILY WITH A DEPRESSED EUROPEAN BACKGROUND.

IN ANY FAMILY WITH A DEPRESSED EUROPEAN BACKGROUND. JOHN'S HAD ALL OF HIS SHOTS.

EUROPEAN BACKGROUND. JOHN'S HAD ALL OF HIS SHOTS. HE'S AN EAGER EATER.

JOHN'S HAD ALL OF HIS SHOTS. HE'S AN EAGER EATER. PLUS, HE COMES WITH HIS OWN

HE'S AN EAGER EATER. PLUS, HE COMES WITH HIS OWN ATTRACTIVE WARDROBE WHICH

PLUS, HE COMES WITH HIS OWN ATTRACTIVE WARDROBE WHICH INCLUDES A KOHOUTEK T-SHIRT.

ATTRACTIVE WARDROBE WHICH INCLUDES A KOHOUTEK T-SHIRT. LET BELUSHI SHARE HIS MANY

INCLUDES A KOHOUTEK T-SHIRT. LET BELUSHI SHARE HIS MANY STORIES AND SONGS WITH THE

LET BELUSHI SHARE HIS MANY STORIES AND SONGS WITH THE KIDDIES.

STORIES AND SONGS WITH THE KIDDIES. ♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING

KIDDIES. ♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪

♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪ ♪ JACK FROST NIPPING

ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪ ♪ JACK FROST NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE ♪

♪ JACK FROST NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE ♪ HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI.

AT YOUR NOSE ♪ HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI. AH, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME

HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI. AH, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME BELUSH, JUST LIKE MY CLOSE,

AH, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME BELUSH, JUST LIKE MY CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND CHEVY CHASE

BELUSH, JUST LIKE MY CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND CHEVY CHASE DOES.

PERSONAL FRIEND CHEVY CHASE DOES. YOU KNOW, IT'S CORNY, BUT I LOVE

DOES. YOU KNOW, IT'S CORNY, BUT I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S CORNY, BUT I LOVE CHRISTMAS. HEY, I'D LOVE TO SIT AROUND THE

CHRISTMAS. HEY, I'D LOVE TO SIT AROUND THE YULE LOG AND PLAY WITH YOUR

HEY, I'D LOVE TO SIT AROUND THE YULE LOG AND PLAY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.

YULE LOG AND PLAY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. ACTUALLY, I'M NOT DOING MUCH

DAUGHTER. ACTUALLY, I'M NOT DOING MUCH THIS CHRISTMAS.

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT DOING MUCH THIS CHRISTMAS. UH, ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT DINNER?

THIS CHRISTMAS. UH, ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT DINNER? I'M NOT FUSSY.

UH, ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT DINNER? I'M NOT FUSSY. I'D LIKE SOME CANDIED YAMS, SOME

I'M NOT FUSSY. I'D LIKE SOME CANDIED YAMS, SOME PLUM PUDDING, A ROAST GOOSE

I'D LIKE SOME CANDIED YAMS, SOME PLUM PUDDING, A ROAST GOOSE STUFFED WITH DRUGS.

PLUM PUDDING, A ROAST GOOSE STUFFED WITH DRUGS. QUADRAPHONIC SOUND SYSTEM WOULD

STUFFED WITH DRUGS. QUADRAPHONIC SOUND SYSTEM WOULD BE REAL NICE.

QUADRAPHONIC SOUND SYSTEM WOULD BE REAL NICE. AND MAYBE I COULD USE A CAR IF

BE REAL NICE. AND MAYBE I COULD USE A CAR IF YOU'VE GOT ONE... A NICE

AND MAYBE I COULD USE A CAR IF YOU'VE GOT ONE... A NICE BRAND-NEW CAR.

YOU'VE GOT ONE... A NICE BRAND-NEW CAR. IF YOU'VE GOT A 15-YEAR OLD

BRAND-NEW CAR. IF YOU'VE GOT A 15-YEAR OLD GIRL, OF COURSE, THAT WOULD BE

IF YOU'VE GOT A 15-YEAR OLD GIRL, OF COURSE, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

GIRL, OF COURSE, THAT WOULD BE NICE. 14, I DON'T CARE. 16.

NICE. 14, I DON'T CARE. 16. NICE GIRL.

SO, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE THAT

SPECIAL AMERICAN FAMILY, WHY NOT

WRITE TO...

RUNNERS-UP WILL RECEIVE A

PERSONAL PHONE CALL FROM

DON PARDO.

COME ON, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HI, MOM AND DAD!

[APPLAUSE]

ONE NIGHT THIS JULY, GARY GILMORE KILLED A UTAH SERVICE-STATION ATTENDANT, AND

GARY GILMORE KILLED A UTAH SERVICE-STATION ATTENDANT, AND THE NEXT NIGHT HE SHOT A

SERVICE-STATION ATTENDANT, AND THE NEXT NIGHT HE SHOT A 25-YEAR-OLD STUDENT TWICE IN

THE NEXT NIGHT HE SHOT A 25-YEAR-OLD STUDENT TWICE IN THE HEAD.

25-YEAR-OLD STUDENT TWICE IN THE HEAD. HE WAS CONVICTED OF THE SECOND

THE HEAD. HE WAS CONVICTED OF THE SECOND MURDER AND SENTENCED TO DEATH.

HE WAS CONVICTED OF THE SECOND MURDER AND SENTENCED TO DEATH. GILMORE REQUESTED THAT THE

MURDER AND SENTENCED TO DEATH. GILMORE REQUESTED THAT THE SENTENCE BE CARRIED OUT BY

GILMORE REQUESTED THAT THE SENTENCE BE CARRIED OUT BY FIRING SQUAD.

SENTENCE BE CARRIED OUT BY FIRING SQUAD. PRISON OFFICIALS WERE FLOODED

FIRING SQUAD. PRISON OFFICIALS WERE FLOODED WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE

PRISON OFFICIALS WERE FLOODED WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE VOLUNTEERING TO SHOOT GILMORE, A

WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE VOLUNTEERING TO SHOOT GILMORE, A JOB WHICH PAYS $125.

VOLUNTEERING TO SHOOT GILMORE, A JOB WHICH PAYS $125. GILMORE'S LAWYER IS NEGOTIATING

JOB WHICH PAYS $125. GILMORE'S LAWYER IS NEGOTIATING WITH PUBLISHERS AND

GILMORE'S LAWYER IS NEGOTIATING WITH PUBLISHERS AND MOTION-PICTURE STUDIOS FOR BOOK

WITH PUBLISHERS AND MOTION-PICTURE STUDIOS FOR BOOK AND MOVIE RIGHTS, AND THERE HAS

MOTION-PICTURE STUDIOS FOR BOOK AND MOVIE RIGHTS, AND THERE HAS BEEN A CRY FOR PUBLIC EXECUTION.

AND MOVIE RIGHTS, AND THERE HAS BEEN A CRY FOR PUBLIC EXECUTION. ALL THREE NETWORKS HAVE ASKED

BEEN A CRY FOR PUBLIC EXECUTION. ALL THREE NETWORKS HAVE ASKED PERMISSION TO FILM THE EVENT,

ALL THREE NETWORKS HAVE ASKED PERMISSION TO FILM THE EVENT, AND, IF PERMISSION IS NOT

PERMISSION TO FILM THE EVENT, AND, IF PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED, THEN THERE'S TALK OF

AND, IF PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED, THEN THERE'S TALK OF FILMING THE EXECUTION FROM A

GRANTED, THEN THERE'S TALK OF FILMING THE EXECUTION FROM A DIRIGIBLE, HELICOPTER, OR HANG

FILMING THE EXECUTION FROM A DIRIGIBLE, HELICOPTER, OR HANG GLIDER.

DIRIGIBLE, HELICOPTER, OR HANG GLIDER. AND SO IT'S IN THIS SPIRIT THAT

GLIDER. AND SO IT'S IN THIS SPIRIT THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS PREPARED A

AND SO IT'S IN THIS SPIRIT THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS PREPARED A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SONG.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS PREPARED A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SONG. [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SONG. [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ THERE'S A LITTLE GUY

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ THERE'S A LITTLE GUY IN UTAH ♪

♪ THERE'S A LITTLE GUY IN UTAH ♪ ♪ WITH A SINGLE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪

IN UTAH ♪ ♪ WITH A SINGLE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪ ♪ FOR ONE SPECIAL THING

♪ WITH A SINGLE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪ ♪ FOR ONE SPECIAL THING THAT CAN'T BE SUBSTITUTED ♪

♪ FOR ONE SPECIAL THING THAT CAN'T BE SUBSTITUTED ♪ ♪ DOESN'T WANT TO GET

THAT CAN'T BE SUBSTITUTED ♪ ♪ DOESN'T WANT TO GET ELECTRIC TRAINS, GET TOYS,

♪ DOESN'T WANT TO GET ELECTRIC TRAINS, GET TOYS, OR GET PET FISH ♪

ELECTRIC TRAINS, GET TOYS, OR GET PET FISH ♪ ♪ ALL HE REALLY WANTS TO GET

OR GET PET FISH ♪ ♪ ALL HE REALLY WANTS TO GET IS EXECUTED ♪

♪ ALL HE REALLY WANTS TO GET IS EXECUTED ♪ ♪ SO LET'S KILL GARY GILMORE

IS EXECUTED ♪ ♪ SO LET'S KILL GARY GILMORE FOR CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ SO LET'S KILL GARY GILMORE FOR CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ LET'S HANG HIM FROM ATOP

FOR CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ LET'S HANG HIM FROM ATOP THE CHRISTMAS TREE ♪

♪ LET'S HANG HIM FROM ATOP THE CHRISTMAS TREE ♪ ♪ LET'S GIVE TO HIM THE ONLY

THE CHRISTMAS TREE ♪ ♪ LET'S GIVE TO HIM THE ONLY GIFT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪

♪ LET'S GIVE TO HIM THE ONLY GIFT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪ ♪ PUT POISON IN HIS EGGNOG, LET

GIFT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪ ♪ PUT POISON IN HIS EGGNOG, LET HIM DRINK IT, WATCH HIM DIE ♪

♪ PUT POISON IN HIS EGGNOG, LET HIM DRINK IT, WATCH HIM DIE ♪ LET'S THROW ANOTHER YULE LOG

HIM DRINK IT, WATCH HIM DIE ♪ LET'S THROW ANOTHER YULE LOG ON THE FIRE...

LET'S THROW ANOTHER YULE LOG ON THE FIRE... AND THEN LET'S THROW

ON THE FIRE... AND THEN LET'S THROW GARY GILMORE ON THERE, TOO...

AND THEN LET'S THROW GARY GILMORE ON THERE, TOO... WITH A RIBBON SO GAY

GARY GILMORE ON THERE, TOO... WITH A RIBBON SO GAY AND A CARD THAT WILL SAY...

WITH A RIBBON SO GAY AND A CARD THAT WILL SAY... "DEAR GARY, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO

AND A CARD THAT WILL SAY... "DEAR GARY, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU."

"DEAR GARY, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU." ♪ IN THE MEADOW,

YOU." ♪ IN THE MEADOW, WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪

♪ IN THE MEADOW, WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ ONE WITH GARY GILMORE

WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ ONE WITH GARY GILMORE PACKED INSIDE ♪

♪ ONE WITH GARY GILMORE PACKED INSIDE ♪ ♪ WE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU DEAD

PACKED INSIDE ♪ ♪ WE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU DEAD YET?" HE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN" ♪

♪ WE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU DEAD YET?" HE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN" ♪ ♪ BUT WE'LL WAIT OUT THE

YET?" HE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN" ♪ ♪ BUT WE'LL WAIT OUT THE FROSTBITE TILL HE DIES ♪

♪ BUT WE'LL WAIT OUT THE FROSTBITE TILL HE DIES ♪ ♪ I'VE ONE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪

FROSTBITE TILL HE DIES ♪ ♪ I'VE ONE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪ ♪ JUST ASK IT ♪

♪ I'VE ONE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪ ♪ JUST ASK IT ♪ ♪ PLEASE PUT GARY

♪ JUST ASK IT ♪ ♪ PLEASE PUT GARY IN A CASKET ♪

♪ PLEASE PUT GARY IN A CASKET ♪ ♪ SO LET'S TOLL

IN A CASKET ♪ ♪ SO LET'S TOLL THE SILVER BELLS FOR HIM ♪

♪ SO LET'S TOLL THE SILVER BELLS FOR HIM ♪ ♪ WHILE HE CAN STILL HEAR

THE SILVER BELLS FOR HIM ♪ ♪ WHILE HE CAN STILL HEAR WHAT THEY SAY ♪

♪ WHILE HE CAN STILL HEAR WHAT THEY SAY ♪ ♪ DING-DONG DING-DONG ♪

WHAT THEY SAY ♪ ♪ DING-DONG DING-DONG ♪ ♪ YOU'RE DEAD, SO LONG ♪

♪ DING-DONG DING-DONG ♪ ♪ YOU'RE DEAD, SO LONG ♪ ♪ WE CAN THRILL GARY GILMORE ♪

♪ YOU'RE DEAD, SO LONG ♪ ♪ WE CAN THRILL GARY GILMORE ♪ ♪ IF WE KILL GARY GILMORE ♪

♪ WE CAN THRILL GARY GILMORE ♪ ♪ IF WE KILL GARY GILMORE ♪ ♪ ON THIS CHRISTMAS DAY ♪

♪ IF WE KILL GARY GILMORE ♪ ♪ ON THIS CHRISTMAS DAY ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW HERE'S FRANK ZAPPA WITH "PEACHES EN REGALIA."

FRANK ZAPPA WITH "PEACHES EN REGALIA." ["PEACHES EN REGALIA" PLAYS]

[SONG ENDS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

WE'RE ON? OH, WELL, ON BEHALF OF THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" CREW AND MYSELF

OH, WELL, ON BEHALF OF THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" CREW AND MYSELF AND ALL GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE,

"SATURDAY NIGHT" CREW AND MYSELF AND ALL GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AND ALL GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE, MERRY CHRISTMAS. AND WE'RE ALL SKATING HERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. AND WE'RE ALL SKATING HERE. AND, UM...

AND WE'RE ALL SKATING HERE. AND, UM... WELL, BE NICE TO EVERYONE.

AND, UM... WELL, BE NICE TO EVERYONE. AND... AND KEEP TALKING.

WELL, BE NICE TO EVERYONE. AND... AND KEEP TALKING. [LAUGHS]

AND... AND KEEP TALKING. [LAUGHS] MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GILDA AND

[LAUGHS] MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GILDA AND DANNY AND JOHN AND LARAINE AND

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GILDA AND DANNY AND JOHN AND LARAINE AND JANE AND LORNE AND GARRETT AND

DANNY AND JOHN AND LARAINE AND JANE AND LORNE AND GARRETT AND DAVEY... THIS IS SUCH AN UNFAIR

JANE AND LORNE AND GARRETT AND DAVEY... THIS IS SUCH AN UNFAIR THING TO DO TO ME.

DAVEY... THIS IS SUCH AN UNFAIR THING TO DO TO ME. CAN I SKATE NOW?

THING TO DO TO ME. CAN I SKATE NOW? OH, THE TREE HERE...

CAN I SKATE NOW? OH, THE TREE HERE... THE TREE HERE IS THE ROCKEFELLER

OH, THE TREE HERE... THE TREE HERE IS THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER TREE.

THE TREE HERE IS THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER TREE. WE ALL SAW IT BEING LIT.

CENTER TREE. WE ALL SAW IT BEING LIT. HEY, YOU GUYS COULD COME HERE

WE ALL SAW IT BEING LIT. HEY, YOU GUYS COULD COME HERE AND HELP ME FILL SPACE ON THE

HEY, YOU GUYS COULD COME HERE AND HELP ME FILL SPACE ON THE CLOSING OF THE SHOW.

AND HELP ME FILL SPACE ON THE CLOSING OF THE SHOW. COME HERE, JOHN.

CLOSING OF THE SHOW. COME HERE, JOHN. COME HERE AND TALK.

COME HERE, JOHN. COME HERE AND TALK. NOW WE'RE GOING TO SKATE FOR

COME HERE AND TALK. NOW WE'RE GOING TO SKATE FOR YOU, AND HERE WE ARE.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO SKATE FOR YOU, AND HERE WE ARE. OH, BOY.

YOU, AND HERE WE ARE. OH, BOY. [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY

NIGHT" WILL RETURN LIVE JANUARY

15, 1977.

BUT NEVER FEAR... WE'LL BE WITH

YOU AS WE REPEAT SHOWS WITH

MADELINE KAHN ON DECEMBER 18th,

ELLIOTT GOULD ON DECEMBER 25th,

AND RICHARD PRYOR ON JANUARY

8th.

IN THE MEANTIME, THIS IS THE

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST,

DON PARDO, WISHING YOU HAPPY

HOLIDAYS AND SAYING GOOD NIGHT.

♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS! ♪

♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY! ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH! ♪

OH, I'M THE SLIME!

I WAS THE SLIME!

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, AND

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY!

[High-pitched] ♪ O

TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪