Original subtitles

Announcer: AND NOW,

GILDA RADNER SPEAKS OUT FOR

CHROMA-TRAK.

MY HAIR IS RED.

MY EYES ARE BLUE. MY SCARF IS YELLOW. THE PEOPLE AT CHROMA-TRAK PAID

MY SCARF IS YELLOW. THE PEOPLE AT CHROMA-TRAK PAID ME A LOT OF MONEY TO TELL YOU

THE PEOPLE AT CHROMA-TRAK PAID ME A LOT OF MONEY TO TELL YOU THAT MY TOP IS GREEN.

ME A LOT OF MONEY TO TELL YOU THAT MY TOP IS GREEN. GREEN?

THAT MY TOP IS GREEN. GREEN? MY BELT IS BLACK.

GREEN? MY BELT IS BLACK. I'LL BE DOGGONE.

MY BELT IS BLACK. I'LL BE DOGGONE. MY GLOVES ARE BROWN.

I'LL BE DOGGONE. MY GLOVES ARE BROWN. I JUST PAID $600 FOR THIS.

MY GLOVES ARE BROWN. I JUST PAID $600 FOR THIS. [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

I JUST PAID $600 FOR THIS. [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] $600!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] $600! $600!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING...

WITH SPECIAL GUEST...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DICK CAVETT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. SAY, IT'S NICE OF YOU TO BE

AND GENTLEMEN. SAY, IT'S NICE OF YOU TO BE HERE, AND IT'S NICE OF ME TO BE

SAY, IT'S NICE OF YOU TO BE HERE, AND IT'S NICE OF ME TO BE HERE.

HERE, AND IT'S NICE OF ME TO BE HERE. YOU MAY WONDER WHAT I MEAN BY

HERE. YOU MAY WONDER WHAT I MEAN BY THAT, BUT THE FACT IS THE

YOU MAY WONDER WHAT I MEAN BY THAT, BUT THE FACT IS THE PRODUCER CALLED ME,

THAT, BUT THE FACT IS THE PRODUCER CALLED ME, MR. MICHAELS, QUITE AGITATED.

PRODUCER CALLED ME, MR. MICHAELS, QUITE AGITATED. IF YOU READ TV GUIDE, DON'T

MR. MICHAELS, QUITE AGITATED. IF YOU READ TV GUIDE, DON'T COMPLAIN TO THEM BECAUSE IT SAYS

IF YOU READ TV GUIDE, DON'T COMPLAIN TO THEM BECAUSE IT SAYS THAT ELLIOTT GOULD IS HOSTING

COMPLAIN TO THEM BECAUSE IT SAYS THAT ELLIOTT GOULD IS HOSTING TONIGHT.

THAT ELLIOTT GOULD IS HOSTING TONIGHT. ELLIOTT WAS GOING TO HOST

TONIGHT. ELLIOTT WAS GOING TO HOST TONIGHT, BUT THEY CALLED ME AND

ELLIOTT WAS GOING TO HOST TONIGHT, BUT THEY CALLED ME AND SAID, "CAN YOU COME IN?"

TONIGHT, BUT THEY CALLED ME AND SAID, "CAN YOU COME IN?" THIS WAS NOT TO BE MY WEEK,

SAID, "CAN YOU COME IN?" THIS WAS NOT TO BE MY WEEK, BECAUSE ELLIOTT ACTUALLY...

THIS WAS NOT TO BE MY WEEK, BECAUSE ELLIOTT ACTUALLY... EVERYTHING WAS READY TO GO, AND

BECAUSE ELLIOTT ACTUALLY... EVERYTHING WAS READY TO GO, AND HIS DOCTOR ADVISED HIM THAT HE

EVERYTHING WAS READY TO GO, AND HIS DOCTOR ADVISED HIM THAT HE COULD MAKE A GREAT DEAL MORE

HIS DOCTOR ADVISED HIM THAT HE COULD MAKE A GREAT DEAL MORE MONEY ON THE "OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

COULD MAKE A GREAT DEAL MORE MONEY ON THE "OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN SPECIAL."

MONEY ON THE "OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN SPECIAL." SO HE ISN'T HERE, BUT I REALLY

SPECIAL." SO HE ISN'T HERE, BUT I REALLY DID LEAP INTO THE BREACH, AND

SO HE ISN'T HERE, BUT I REALLY DID LEAP INTO THE BREACH, AND THANK YOU FOR... AND TO ELLIOTT

DID LEAP INTO THE BREACH, AND THANK YOU FOR... AND TO ELLIOTT FANS, I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN.

THANK YOU FOR... AND TO ELLIOTT FANS, I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN. WE HAD THESE CARDS HANDED OUT

FANS, I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN. WE HAD THESE CARDS HANDED OUT BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO

WE HAD THESE CARDS HANDED OUT BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE THINKS IN

BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE THINKS IN THIS... COMES TO THIS SHOW.

KNOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE THINKS IN THIS... COMES TO THIS SHOW. AND ALSO, I THOUGHT HAVING A

THIS... COMES TO THIS SHOW. AND ALSO, I THOUGHT HAVING A CARD THAT SAY "I WOULD LIKE TO

AND ALSO, I THOUGHT HAVING A CARD THAT SAY "I WOULD LIKE TO ASK DICK CAVETT THE FOLLOWING

CARD THAT SAY "I WOULD LIKE TO ASK DICK CAVETT THE FOLLOWING QUESTION" WOULD MAKE IT QUITE

ASK DICK CAVETT THE FOLLOWING QUESTION" WOULD MAKE IT QUITE CLEAR WHO THE HOST IS TONIGHT.

QUESTION" WOULD MAKE IT QUITE CLEAR WHO THE HOST IS TONIGHT. SO, I'LL JUST RUN THROUGH THESE.

CLEAR WHO THE HOST IS TONIGHT. SO, I'LL JUST RUN THROUGH THESE. "HOW DID IT FEEL BEING MARRIED

SO, I'LL JUST RUN THROUGH THESE. "HOW DID IT FEEL BEING MARRIED TO BARBRA STREISAND?"

"HOW DID IT FEEL BEING MARRIED TO BARBRA STREISAND?" "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THERAPY?

TO BARBRA STREISAND?" "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THERAPY? WE'RE AVAILABLE FOR

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THERAPY? WE'RE AVAILABLE FOR CONSULTATION.

WE'RE AVAILABLE FOR CONSULTATION. MARTY STEINBERG AND

CONSULTATION. MARTY STEINBERG AND DEBBIE LAMBERTI..."

MARTY STEINBERG AND DEBBIE LAMBERTI..." ARE YOU HERE?

DEBBIE LAMBERTI..." ARE YOU HERE? OH, YEAH?

ARE YOU HERE? OH, YEAH? LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR COUCH,

OH, YEAH? LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR COUCH, WOULD YOU?

LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR COUCH, WOULD YOU? "DO YOU ENJOY LIVE AUDIENCES?"

WOULD YOU? "DO YOU ENJOY LIVE AUDIENCES?" YES, IN FACT, WE'RE THINKING OF

"DO YOU ENJOY LIVE AUDIENCES?" YES, IN FACT, WE'RE THINKING OF BRINGING ONE IN HERE.

YES, IN FACT, WE'RE THINKING OF BRINGING ONE IN HERE. OH, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU'RE

BRINGING ONE IN HERE. OH, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

OH, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY. "WE KNOW YOUR WIFE IS A BROADWAY

GONNA BE OKAY. "WE KNOW YOUR WIFE IS A BROADWAY ACTRESS.

"WE KNOW YOUR WIFE IS A BROADWAY ACTRESS. YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT HER ON TV."

ACTRESS. YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT HER ON TV." I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD.

YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT HER ON TV." I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD. SHE NEVER MENTIONS ME IN HER

I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD. SHE NEVER MENTIONS ME IN HER PLAYS.

SHE NEVER MENTIONS ME IN HER PLAYS. OH, THERE'S MORE.

PLAYS. OH, THERE'S MORE. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE MARRIED

OH, THERE'S MORE. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE MARRIED TO A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE DISH?"

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE MARRIED TO A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE DISH?" YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HER.

TO A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE DISH?" YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HER. [AUDIENCE GROANS]

YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HER. [AUDIENCE GROANS] "FIRST YOU APPEAR ON

[AUDIENCE GROANS] "FIRST YOU APPEAR ON 'THE BIG EVENT' AND NOW THIS.

"FIRST YOU APPEAR ON 'THE BIG EVENT' AND NOW THIS. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?"

'THE BIG EVENT' AND NOW THIS. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?" [LAUGHTER]

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?" [LAUGHTER] LISTEN, A LOT OF SHOWS, IT'S

[LAUGHTER] LISTEN, A LOT OF SHOWS, IT'S BETTER TO BE ON THEM.

LISTEN, A LOT OF SHOWS, IT'S BETTER TO BE ON THEM. THEY HAVE TO WATCH THEM, AND

BETTER TO BE ON THEM. THEY HAVE TO WATCH THEM, AND IT'S A BIG ADVANTAGE.

THEY HAVE TO WATCH THEM, AND IT'S A BIG ADVANTAGE. THIS SHOW'S FUN 'CAUSE YOU GET A

IT'S A BIG ADVANTAGE. THIS SHOW'S FUN 'CAUSE YOU GET A LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU GET NO

THIS SHOW'S FUN 'CAUSE YOU GET A LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU GET NO REHEARSAL, YOU RUN FROM SET TO

LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU GET NO REHEARSAL, YOU RUN FROM SET TO SET, AND THE NEXT DAY YOU GET

REHEARSAL, YOU RUN FROM SET TO SET, AND THE NEXT DAY YOU GET EXERCISE 'CAUSE PEOPLE THROW

SET, AND THE NEXT DAY YOU GET EXERCISE 'CAUSE PEOPLE THROW THINGS AT YOU ON THE STREET.

EXERCISE 'CAUSE PEOPLE THROW THINGS AT YOU ON THE STREET. THIS IS A FUN SHOW TO DO.

THINGS AT YOU ON THE STREET. THIS IS A FUN SHOW TO DO. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO

THIS IS A FUN SHOW TO DO. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO SHORT...

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO SHORT... IN A WORLD OF MENTAL G-A-I..."

SHORT... IN A WORLD OF MENTAL G-A-I..." YOU PROBABLY MEANT "GIANTS,"

IN A WORLD OF MENTAL G-A-I..." YOU PROBABLY MEANT "GIANTS," DID YOU?

YOU PROBABLY MEANT "GIANTS," DID YOU? "I DON'T LIKE TO COME TO YOUR

DID YOU? "I DON'T LIKE TO COME TO YOUR TOWN ANYMORE.

"I DON'T LIKE TO COME TO YOUR TOWN ANYMORE. WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO CRUMMY

TOWN ANYMORE. WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO CRUMMY THESE DAYS?"

WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO CRUMMY THESE DAYS?" UH, TOURISTS.

THESE DAYS?" UH, TOURISTS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UH, TOURISTS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, I MUST REMEMBER THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, I MUST REMEMBER THAT. THIS SAYS, "WOULD YOU PATRONIZE

THANK YOU, I MUST REMEMBER THAT. THIS SAYS, "WOULD YOU PATRONIZE A STREETWALKER?"

THIS SAYS, "WOULD YOU PATRONIZE A STREETWALKER?" NO, I WOULD TREAT HER AS AN

A STREETWALKER?" NO, I WOULD TREAT HER AS AN EQUAL.

NO, I WOULD TREAT HER AS AN EQUAL. I DON'T KNOW... THERE'S A THEME

EQUAL. I DON'T KNOW... THERE'S A THEME RUNNING THROUGH THESE.

I DON'T KNOW... THERE'S A THEME RUNNING THROUGH THESE. "HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED

RUNNING THROUGH THESE. "HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED ADULTERY IN YOUR MIND?"

"HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED ADULTERY IN YOUR MIND?" UM, NOT IN MY MIND.

ADULTERY IN YOUR MIND?" UM, NOT IN MY MIND. IT'S FAR TOO CROWDED THERE.

UM, NOT IN MY MIND. IT'S FAR TOO CROWDED THERE. "WHO DO YOU THINK HAS THE MOST

IT'S FAR TOO CROWDED THERE. "WHO DO YOU THINK HAS THE MOST CHARISMA BETWEEN FORD AND

"WHO DO YOU THINK HAS THE MOST CHARISMA BETWEEN FORD AND CARTER?"

CHARISMA BETWEEN FORD AND CARTER?" ACTUALLY, ANYBODY BETWEEN FORD

CARTER?" ACTUALLY, ANYBODY BETWEEN FORD AND CARTER...

ACTUALLY, ANYBODY BETWEEN FORD AND CARTER... WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE CHARISMA.

AND CARTER... WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE CHARISMA. [APPLAUSE]

WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE CHARISMA. [APPLAUSE] "I HEAR YOU WERE IN A

[APPLAUSE] "I HEAR YOU WERE IN A COMMERCIAL... WHICH?"

"I HEAR YOU WERE IN A COMMERCIAL... WHICH?" I ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW THIS.

COMMERCIAL... WHICH?" I ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW THIS. I'M THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.

I ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW THIS. I'M THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY. "IS THERE ANY COMMERCIAL YOU

I'M THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY. "IS THERE ANY COMMERCIAL YOU WOULDN'T DO?"

"IS THERE ANY COMMERCIAL YOU WOULDN'T DO?" I WOULD NOT BE THAT GUY IN THE

WOULDN'T DO?" I WOULD NOT BE THAT GUY IN THE TOILET IN THE LITTLE BOAT.

I WOULD NOT BE THAT GUY IN THE TOILET IN THE LITTLE BOAT. HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN

TOILET IN THE LITTLE BOAT. HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN TELEVISION WHOSE CAREER'S IN THE

HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN TELEVISION WHOSE CAREER'S IN THE TOILET, BUT HE'S MAKING MONEY ON

TELEVISION WHOSE CAREER'S IN THE TOILET, BUT HE'S MAKING MONEY ON IT.

TOILET, BUT HE'S MAKING MONEY ON IT. "WITH WHAT FRATERNITY WERE YOU

IT. "WITH WHAT FRATERNITY WERE YOU AFFILIATED AT YALE?"

"WITH WHAT FRATERNITY WERE YOU AFFILIATED AT YALE?" I WASN'T IN ONE.

AFFILIATED AT YALE?" I WASN'T IN ONE. I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF...

I WASN'T IN ONE. I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF... I COULDN'T AFFORD IT, IS WHAT IT

I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF... I COULDN'T AFFORD IT, IS WHAT IT WAS.

I COULDN'T AFFORD IT, IS WHAT IT WAS. BUT MY ROOMMATES AND I HAD THE

WAS. BUT MY ROOMMATES AND I HAD THE SAME FUN AS IF WE WERE IN ONE.

BUT MY ROOMMATES AND I HAD THE SAME FUN AS IF WE WERE IN ONE. WE, YOU KNOW, WOULD GET NUDE AND

SAME FUN AS IF WE WERE IN ONE. WE, YOU KNOW, WOULD GET NUDE AND DRINK BEER AND THROW UP ON EACH

WE, YOU KNOW, WOULD GET NUDE AND DRINK BEER AND THROW UP ON EACH OTHER.

DRINK BEER AND THROW UP ON EACH OTHER. [APPLAUSE]

OTHER. [APPLAUSE] "DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR

[APPLAUSE] "DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR VU?

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR VU? IF YOU DO, WAS THERE ANYTHING

VU? IF YOU DO, WAS THERE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST

IF YOU DO, WAS THERE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST THAT'S RECURRED RECENTLY?"

THAT'S HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST THAT'S RECURRED RECENTLY?" NO, I WISH THERE WERE.

THAT'S RECURRED RECENTLY?" NO, I WISH THERE WERE. "DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR

NO, I WISH THERE WERE. "DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR VU..."

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR VU..." [LAUGHTER]

VU..." [LAUGHTER] LADY SAYS, "PLEASE TAKE YOUR

[LAUGHTER] LADY SAYS, "PLEASE TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. CATHY."

LADY SAYS, "PLEASE TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. CATHY." I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU,

SHIRT OFF. CATHY." I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU, CATHY.

I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU, CATHY. "YOU'VE HAD BARBARA WALTERS.

CATHY. "YOU'VE HAD BARBARA WALTERS. IS SHE WORTH $5 MILLION?"

"YOU'VE HAD BARBARA WALTERS. IS SHE WORTH $5 MILLION?" [LAUGHTER]

IS SHE WORTH $5 MILLION?" [LAUGHTER] SHALL I SKIP ON DOWN HERE?

[LAUGHTER] SHALL I SKIP ON DOWN HERE? OKAY.

SHALL I SKIP ON DOWN HERE? OKAY. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS.

OKAY. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. IN ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED

I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. IN ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED QUESTIONS... "ARE YOU HUNG IN

IN ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED QUESTIONS... "ARE YOU HUNG IN PROPORTION TO YOUR HEIGHT?"

QUESTIONS... "ARE YOU HUNG IN PROPORTION TO YOUR HEIGHT?" [LAUGHTER]

YOU WANT TO SEE IF IT'S ON THERE? THE RATIO IS 5 TO 1, BUT I'M NOT

THERE? THE RATIO IS 5 TO 1, BUT I'M NOT SAYING WHICH WAY.

THE RATIO IS 5 TO 1, BUT I'M NOT SAYING WHICH WAY. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

SAYING WHICH WAY. IT'S RIDICULOUS. "HOW DO YOU GET A DATE WITH

IT'S RIDICULOUS. "HOW DO YOU GET A DATE WITH ROBERT REDFORD?"

"HOW DO YOU GET A DATE WITH ROBERT REDFORD?" I USUALLY DRESS SEXY AND HINT A

ROBERT REDFORD?" I USUALLY DRESS SEXY AND HINT A LOT.

I USUALLY DRESS SEXY AND HINT A LOT. SAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

LOT. SAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL. LET'S DO THIS ALL AGAIN, SHALL

SAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL. LET'S DO THIS ALL AGAIN, SHALL WE?

LET'S DO THIS ALL AGAIN, SHALL WE? WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

WE? WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE. STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

MESSAGE. STAY WHERE YOU ARE. [APPLAUSE]

"CANINE." DOUBLE-WORD SCORE, 21 POINTS. GOOD.

DOUBLE-WORD SCORE, 21 POINTS. GOOD. CANINE.

GOOD. CANINE. GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND

CANINE. GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND LISTLESS LATELY.

GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND LISTLESS LATELY. I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG

LISTLESS LATELY. I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG WITH HIM.

I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG WITH HIM. MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE

WITH HIM. MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE LIKE THAT UNTIL I FOUND OUT

MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE LIKE THAT UNTIL I FOUND OUT ABOUT PUPPY UPPERS.

PUPPY UPPERS PEP UP YOUR POOCH.

PLUS, THEY HELP CONTROL HIS

WEIGHT.

PUPPY UPPERS.

MIND IF I TRY ONE?

GO RIGHT AHEAD.

MMM. SPARKY. [BARKS]

SPARKY. [BARKS] "BONE."

[BARKS] "BONE." TRIPLE-WORD SCORE.

"BONE." TRIPLE-WORD SCORE. THAT'S 25 POINTS.

TRIPLE-WORD SCORE. THAT'S 25 POINTS. VERY GOOD.

THAT'S 25 POINTS. VERY GOOD. [BARKING]

VERY GOOD. [BARKING] OKAY. OKAY, SPARKY!

[BARKING] OKAY. OKAY, SPARKY! HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER.

OKAY. OKAY, SPARKY! HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER. [WHIMPERING]

HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER. [WHIMPERING] MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I

[WHIMPERING] MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A

MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A LITTLE TOO MUCH. NO ARGUMENT THERE, JOY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY SKIPPY GETS

A LITTLE TOO FRISKY, I GIVE HIM

THESE... DOGGIE DOWNERS.

"DOGGIE DOWNERS.

MELLOWS OUT YOUR MUTT."

MIND IF I TRY ONE?

GO RIGHT AHEAD.

HMM.

[WHIMPERS]

[THUD]

THAT'S PUPPY UPPERS FOR WHEN

YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS.

AND DOGGIE DOWNERS FOR WHEN

YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS.

FROM HOUND-DOZE.

[APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] ORDER. [GAVEL BANGS]

ORDER. [GAVEL BANGS] ORDER.

[GAVEL BANGS] ORDER. SO, UH, MR. DEAN.

ORDER. SO, UH, MR. DEAN. WOULD YOU STAND ON A... SWEAR ON

SO, UH, MR. DEAN. WOULD YOU STAND ON A... SWEAR ON A BI... UM, UM, A BI... A BIBLE?

WOULD YOU STAND ON A... SWEAR ON A BI... UM, UM, A BI... A BIBLE? ON THE BIBLE?

A BI... UM, UM, A BI... A BIBLE? ON THE BIBLE? A BIBLE, THAT THE PRESIDENT

ON THE BIBLE? A BIBLE, THAT THE PRESIDENT AUTHORIZED THE USE OF $1 MILLION

A BIBLE, THAT THE PRESIDENT AUTHORIZED THE USE OF $1 MILLION IN A HUSH, UM, UM, HUSH...

AUTHORIZED THE USE OF $1 MILLION IN A HUSH, UM, UM, HUSH... HUSH MONEY?

IN A HUSH, UM, UM, HUSH... HUSH MONEY? UM, MONEY?

HUSH MONEY? UM, MONEY? HUSH MONEY.

UM, MONEY? HUSH MONEY. THAT IS CORRECT, SENATOR, YES.

HUSH MONEY. THAT IS CORRECT, SENATOR, YES. ARE YOU AWARE OF THE

THAT IS CORRECT, SENATOR, YES. ARE YOU AWARE OF THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT YOU, UM,

ARE YOU AWARE OF THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT YOU, UM, UM, OF WHAT YOU, UM...

IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT YOU, UM, UM, OF WHAT YOU, UM... TESTIFIED, DIVULGED,

UM, OF WHAT YOU, UM... TESTIFIED, DIVULGED, ASSERTED, IMPLIED...

TESTIFIED, DIVULGED, ASSERTED, IMPLIED... UM...

ASSERTED, IMPLIED... UM... SOUNDS LIKE...

UM... SOUNDS LIKE... OF WHAT, UM...

SOUNDS LIKE... OF WHAT, UM... YOU JUST SAID!

OF WHAT, UM... YOU JUST SAID! YES, I AM.

YOU JUST SAID! YES, I AM. YES, I AM, SIR.

YES, I AM. YES, I AM, SIR. IT MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT IS

YES, I AM, SIR. IT MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY OF AN IMPEACHABLE

IT MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY OF AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE, AND IT ALSO MEANS THAT

GUILTY OF AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE, AND IT ALSO MEANS THAT I CAN MAKE A BUNDLE BY WRITING A

OFFENSE, AND IT ALSO MEANS THAT I CAN MAKE A BUNDLE BY WRITING A BOOK ABOUT IT.

MY DECISION TO TESTIFY BEFORE THE SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE WAS MADE ON A FATEFUL DAY IN APRIL

THE SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE WAS MADE ON A FATEFUL DAY IN APRIL OF 1973.

MADE ON A FATEFUL DAY IN APRIL OF 1973. I WAS OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE

OF 1973. I WAS OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE WAITING TO TALK WITH THE

I WAS OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE WAITING TO TALK WITH THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF, THE LEADER

WAITING TO TALK WITH THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF, THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD,

COMMANDER IN CHIEF, THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, RICHARD M. NIXON.

OF THE FREE WORLD, RICHARD M. NIXON. SO, ROSEMARY, AS SOON AS

RICHARD M. NIXON. SO, ROSEMARY, AS SOON AS SAMMY LEFT THE ROOM, I SAID,

SO, ROSEMARY, AS SOON AS SAMMY LEFT THE ROOM, I SAID, "ALL HE WANTS IS GOOD SEX,

SAMMY LEFT THE ROOM, I SAID, "ALL HE WANTS IS GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM

"ALL HE WANTS IS GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM."

COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM." [BOTH LAUGH]

PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM." [BOTH LAUGH] OH, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU

[BOTH LAUGH] OH, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO TELL A

OH, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO TELL A JOKE.

CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO TELL A JOKE. YEAH, REMIND ME TO TELL THAT

JOKE. YEAH, REMIND ME TO TELL THAT ONE TO BUTZ.

YEAH, REMIND ME TO TELL THAT ONE TO BUTZ. HE LOVES A GOOD JOKE NOW AND

ONE TO BUTZ. HE LOVES A GOOD JOKE NOW AND AGAIN.

HE LOVES A GOOD JOKE NOW AND AGAIN. OH, NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING,

AGAIN. OH, NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING, SO, WE'RE READY IF HE SINGS TO

OH, NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING, SO, WE'RE READY IF HE SINGS TO THAT WOP SIRICA, RIGHT?

SO, WE'RE READY IF HE SINGS TO THAT WOP SIRICA, RIGHT? UH, YES.

THAT WOP SIRICA, RIGHT? UH, YES. [German accent]

UH, YES. [German accent] MR. PRESIDENT.

[German accent] MR. PRESIDENT. MR. PRESIDENT.

MR. PRESIDENT. MR. PRESIDENT. HENRY, YOU CAN'T BARGE IN

MR. PRESIDENT. HENRY, YOU CAN'T BARGE IN HERE LIKE THIS!

HENRY, YOU CAN'T BARGE IN HERE LIKE THIS! BUT, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS

HERE LIKE THIS! BUT, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

BUT, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. BREZHNEV IS THREATENING TO SEND

AN EMERGENCY. BREZHNEV IS THREATENING TO SEND TROOPS INTO THE MIDDLE EAST.

BREZHNEV IS THREATENING TO SEND TROOPS INTO THE MIDDLE EAST. WELL, I DON'T CARE.

TROOPS INTO THE MIDDLE EAST. WELL, I DON'T CARE. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

WELL, I DON'T CARE. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS ON MY

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS ON MY MIND.

I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS ON MY MIND. OH-HO.

MIND. OH-HO. MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SHOULDN'T

OH-HO. MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SHOULDN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON WATERGATE.

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SHOULDN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON WATERGATE. HENRY, NOT NOW, I'M BUSY,

SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON WATERGATE. HENRY, NOT NOW, I'M BUSY, PLEASE!

HENRY, NOT NOW, I'M BUSY, PLEASE! OH, YOU'RE BUSY?

PLEASE! OH, YOU'RE BUSY? WELL, I QUIT.

OH, YOU'RE BUSY? WELL, I QUIT. SEE YOU LATER, PAL.

WELL, I QUIT. SEE YOU LATER, PAL. NO! DON'T QUIT!

SEE YOU LATER, PAL. NO! DON'T QUIT! I'M BLOWING THIS POP STAND.

NO! DON'T QUIT! I'M BLOWING THIS POP STAND. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

I'M BLOWING THIS POP STAND. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. PLEASE, DON'T QUIT.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. PLEASE, DON'T QUIT. I NEED YOU, HENRY.

PLEASE, DON'T QUIT. I NEED YOU, HENRY. I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.

I NEED YOU, HENRY. I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. ANYTHING I WANT?

I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. ANYTHING I WANT? YEAH, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

ANYTHING I WANT? YEAH, WHATEVER YOU WANT. ANYTHING YOU WANT, HENRY.

YEAH, WHATEVER YOU WANT. ANYTHING YOU WANT, HENRY. PLEASE, JUST DON'T QUIT ON ME

ANYTHING YOU WANT, HENRY. PLEASE, JUST DON'T QUIT ON ME NOW.

PLEASE, JUST DON'T QUIT ON ME NOW. HOW 'BOUT A RAISE?

NOW. HOW 'BOUT A RAISE? OKAY, YOU GOT IT.

HOW 'BOUT A RAISE? OKAY, YOU GOT IT. I GOT A RAISE?

OKAY, YOU GOT IT. I GOT A RAISE? UH, I WANT A SILVER STINGRAY.

I GOT A RAISE? UH, I WANT A SILVER STINGRAY. NO PROBLEM.

UH, I WANT A SILVER STINGRAY. NO PROBLEM. I WANT TO TAKE GIRLS INTO THE

NO PROBLEM. I WANT TO TAKE GIRLS INTO THE BLUE ROOM.

I WANT TO TAKE GIRLS INTO THE BLUE ROOM. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

BLUE ROOM. GO RIGHT AHEAD. AND I WANT TO PLAY GOLF IN A

GO RIGHT AHEAD. AND I WANT TO PLAY GOLF IN A COUNTRY CLUB WHERE THEY DON'T

AND I WANT TO PLAY GOLF IN A COUNTRY CLUB WHERE THEY DON'T ALLOW JEWS.

COUNTRY CLUB WHERE THEY DON'T ALLOW JEWS. GEE, HENRY, THAT MIGHT BE

ALLOW JEWS. GEE, HENRY, THAT MIGHT BE TOUGH.

GEE, HENRY, THAT MIGHT BE TOUGH. I-I DON'T KNOW.

TOUGH. I-I DON'T KNOW. SORRY, PAL.

I-I DON'T KNOW. SORRY, PAL. NICE WORKING WITH YOU.

SORRY, PAL. NICE WORKING WITH YOU. SEE YOU LATER.

NICE WORKING WITH YOU. SEE YOU LATER. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

SEE YOU LATER. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'LL PUT YOU IN A FOURSOME WITH

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'LL PUT YOU IN A FOURSOME WITH BILLY GRAHAM AND

I'LL PUT YOU IN A FOURSOME WITH BILLY GRAHAM AND FRANK FITZSIMMONS.

BILLY GRAHAM AND FRANK FITZSIMMONS. ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE

FRANK FITZSIMMONS. ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE TALKING. ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO, UH...

TALKING. ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO, UH... HOW 'BOUT THE WIRETAPS?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO, UH... HOW 'BOUT THE WIRETAPS? CAN I WIRETAP ANYBODY I WANT?

HOW 'BOUT THE WIRETAPS? CAN I WIRETAP ANYBODY I WANT? ANYBODY YOU WANT.

CAN I WIRETAP ANYBODY I WANT? ANYBODY YOU WANT. OH, GOOD.

ANYBODY YOU WANT. OH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE

OH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE BREZHNEV THING.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE BREZHNEV THING. I'LL TALK TO HIM, I'LL COOL HIM

BREZHNEV THING. I'LL TALK TO HIM, I'LL COOL HIM OFF.

I'LL TALK TO HIM, I'LL COOL HIM OFF. GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.

OFF. GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. ROSEMARY.

GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. ROSEMARY. ROSEMARY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO

ROSEMARY. ROSEMARY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU THIS.

ROSEMARY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU THIS. BUT FOR A WOMAN YOUR AGE, YOU

TELL YOU THIS. BUT FOR A WOMAN YOUR AGE, YOU ARE EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE.

BUT FOR A WOMAN YOUR AGE, YOU ARE EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE. WELL, THAT'S VERY DIPLOMATIC

ARE EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE. WELL, THAT'S VERY DIPLOMATIC OF YOU, MR. KISSINGER.

WELL, THAT'S VERY DIPLOMATIC OF YOU, MR. KISSINGER. NOW, JUST GET OUT OF HERE,

OF YOU, MR. KISSINGER. NOW, JUST GET OUT OF HERE, HENRY, PLEASE.

NOW, JUST GET OUT OF HERE, HENRY, PLEASE. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HENRY, PLEASE. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. ALL RIGHT!

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. ALL RIGHT! NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING.

ALL RIGHT! NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING. UM, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING. UM, YES, MR. PRESIDENT. HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE.

UM, YES, MR. PRESIDENT. HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE. NOW, I'VE TYPED UP THIS LETTER

HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE. NOW, I'VE TYPED UP THIS LETTER OF RESIGNATION THAT WAS DRAFTED

NOW, I'VE TYPED UP THIS LETTER OF RESIGNATION THAT WAS DRAFTED BY MR. EHRLICHMAN FOR MR. DEAN

OF RESIGNATION THAT WAS DRAFTED BY MR. EHRLICHMAN FOR MR. DEAN TO SIGN.

BY MR. EHRLICHMAN FOR MR. DEAN TO SIGN. MMM, GOOD. GOOD.

TO SIGN. MMM, GOOD. GOOD. IF HE SIGNS THIS, I'M HOME FREE.

MMM, GOOD. GOOD. IF HE SIGNS THIS, I'M HOME FREE. OH, AND, ROSEMARY, WOULD YOU

IF HE SIGNS THIS, I'M HOME FREE. OH, AND, ROSEMARY, WOULD YOU TURN ON THE TAPE MACHINE,

OH, AND, ROSEMARY, WOULD YOU TURN ON THE TAPE MACHINE, PLEASE?

TURN ON THE TAPE MACHINE, PLEASE? OH, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

PLEASE? OH, YES, MR. PRESIDENT. MM-HMM.

OH, YES, MR. PRESIDENT. MM-HMM. [CHUCKLES]

MM-HMM. [CHUCKLES] I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DEAN TO

[CHUCKLES] I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DEAN TO INCRIMINATE HIMSELF AND MAKE ME

I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DEAN TO INCRIMINATE HIMSELF AND MAKE ME LOOK INNOCENT.

INCRIMINATE HIMSELF AND MAKE ME LOOK INNOCENT. A TAPE COULD COME IN HANDY AS

LOOK INNOCENT. A TAPE COULD COME IN HANDY AS EVIDENCE.

A TAPE COULD COME IN HANDY AS EVIDENCE. YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

EVIDENCE. YES, MR. PRESIDENT. BOY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA THIS

YES, MR. PRESIDENT. BOY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA THIS TAPING SYSTEM IS.

BOY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA THIS TAPING SYSTEM IS. HO, BOY, AM I GONNA MAKE DEAN

TAPING SYSTEM IS. HO, BOY, AM I GONNA MAKE DEAN LOOK STUPID!

HO, BOY, AM I GONNA MAKE DEAN LOOK STUPID! OH, IS HE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN

LOOK STUPID! OH, IS HE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!

OH, IS HE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS,

IDIOT! OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS, MR. PRESIDENT.

OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS, MR. PRESIDENT. YES, I AM.

MR. PRESIDENT. YES, I AM. NOW, ONCE I GET DEAN ON TAPE,

YES, I AM. NOW, ONCE I GET DEAN ON TAPE, THERE'S NO WAY I COULD

NOW, ONCE I GET DEAN ON TAPE, THERE'S NO WAY I COULD ACCIDENTALLY ERASE IT, IS THERE?

THERE'S NO WAY I COULD ACCIDENTALLY ERASE IT, IS THERE? OH, NO, ALL IT CAN DO IS PLAY

ACCIDENTALLY ERASE IT, IS THERE? OH, NO, ALL IT CAN DO IS PLAY AND RECORD.

OH, NO, ALL IT CAN DO IS PLAY AND RECORD. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD ERASE

AND RECORD. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD ERASE IT ACCIDENTALLY.

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD ERASE IT ACCIDENTALLY. OH, GOOD.

IT ACCIDENTALLY. OH, GOOD. THANKS, ROSEMARY, YOU SURE ARE

OH, GOOD. THANKS, ROSEMARY, YOU SURE ARE LOYAL.

THANKS, ROSEMARY, YOU SURE ARE LOYAL. THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

LOYAL. THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. NOW SEND DEAN IN, WILL YOU,

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. NOW SEND DEAN IN, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

NOW SEND DEAN IN, WILL YOU, PLEASE? OH, MR. PRESIDENT, ONE MORE

PLEASE? OH, MR. PRESIDENT, ONE MORE THING.

OH, MR. PRESIDENT, ONE MORE THING. BE SURE TO HAVE MR. DEAN TALK

THING. BE SURE TO HAVE MR. DEAN TALK INTO THE LAMP.

BE SURE TO HAVE MR. DEAN TALK INTO THE LAMP. OKAY. UH-HUH.

INTO THE LAMP. OKAY. UH-HUH. TESTING.

OKAY. UH-HUH. TESTING. TESTING, ONE, TWO.

TESTING. TESTING, ONE, TWO. TESTING, ONE, TWO.

TESTING, ONE, TWO. TESTING, ONE, TWO. ♪ ONCE THERE WAS

TESTING, ONE, TWO. ♪ ONCE THERE WAS A SILLY OLD RAM ♪

♪ ONCE THERE WAS A SILLY OLD RAM ♪ ♪ THOUGHT HE'D KNOCK A HOLE IN

A SILLY OLD RAM ♪ ♪ THOUGHT HE'D KNOCK A HOLE IN THAT DAM ♪

♪ THOUGHT HE'D KNOCK A HOLE IN THAT DAM ♪ ♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM

THAT DAM ♪ ♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM SCRAM ♪

♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM SCRAM ♪ ♪ HE KEPT HITTING THAT DAM ♪

SCRAM ♪ ♪ HE KEPT HITTING THAT DAM ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪

♪ HE KEPT HITTING THAT DAM ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪ ♪ HE HAD HIGH... ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪ ♪ HE HAD HIGH... ♪ JOHN!

♪ HE HAD HIGH... ♪ JOHN! WELL, JOHN, I-I WAS JUST SITTING

JOHN! WELL, JOHN, I-I WAS JUST SITTING HERE, SINGING TO RELAX.

WELL, JOHN, I-I WAS JUST SITTING HERE, SINGING TO RELAX. I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD ON THE

HERE, SINGING TO RELAX. I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD ON THE BUSINESS OF RUNNING THE COUNTRY

I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD ON THE BUSINESS OF RUNNING THE COUNTRY AND NATIONAL SECURITY MATTERS

BUSINESS OF RUNNING THE COUNTRY AND NATIONAL SECURITY MATTERS AND SUCH THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T

AND NATIONAL SECURITY MATTERS AND SUCH THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT

AND SUCH THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT WATERGATE.

HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT WATERGATE. WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I ONLY

WATERGATE. WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I ONLY CAME TO SAY THAT I WANT TO

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I ONLY CAME TO SAY THAT I WANT TO SAY... WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO

CAME TO SAY THAT I WANT TO SAY... WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS, BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND,

SAY... WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS, BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU, THAT I'M LOYAL?

PUT THIS, BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU, THAT I'M LOYAL? JOHN, YOU REMEMBER IN MARCH

DON'T YOU, THAT I'M LOYAL? JOHN, YOU REMEMBER IN MARCH WHEN YOU CAME IN AND TOLD ME

JOHN, YOU REMEMBER IN MARCH WHEN YOU CAME IN AND TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS A CANCER GROWING

WHEN YOU CAME IN AND TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS A CANCER GROWING IN THE PRESIDENCY?

THAT THERE WAS A CANCER GROWING IN THE PRESIDENCY? I CERTAINLY DO, SIR, YES.

IN THE PRESIDENCY? I CERTAINLY DO, SIR, YES. YES, I DO.

I CERTAINLY DO, SIR, YES. YES, I DO. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I

YES, I DO. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HEARD ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HEARD ABOUT IT, RIGHT? WELL, YES, THAT... THAT WOULD

HEARD ABOUT IT, RIGHT? WELL, YES, THAT... THAT WOULD BE TRUE IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO TAKE

WELL, YES, THAT... THAT WOULD BE TRUE IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO TAKE THAT LINE OF DEFENSE, SIR.

BE TRUE IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO TAKE THAT LINE OF DEFENSE, SIR. THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE YOU MUST

THAT LINE OF DEFENSE, SIR. THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE YOU MUST CLEAR THE AIR BECAUSE IT'S MY

THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE YOU MUST CLEAR THE AIR BECAUSE IT'S MY FEELING THAT SIRICA WILL NOT

CLEAR THE AIR BECAUSE IT'S MY FEELING THAT SIRICA WILL NOT STOP AT HUNT AND LIDDY.

FEELING THAT SIRICA WILL NOT STOP AT HUNT AND LIDDY. JOHN, I KNOW THAT

STOP AT HUNT AND LIDDY. JOHN, I KNOW THAT JUDGE JOHN SIRICA IS A FINE AND

JOHN, I KNOW THAT JUDGE JOHN SIRICA IS A FINE AND FAIR JURIST IN THE TRADITION OF

JUDGE JOHN SIRICA IS A FINE AND FAIR JURIST IN THE TRADITION OF THE ITALIAN PEOPLE.

FAIR JURIST IN THE TRADITION OF THE ITALIAN PEOPLE. SIR, I JUST HOPE NOTHING THAT

THE ITALIAN PEOPLE. SIR, I JUST HOPE NOTHING THAT I WOULD EVER SAY COULD LEAD THE

SIR, I JUST HOPE NOTHING THAT I WOULD EVER SAY COULD LEAD THE PROSECUTORS TO, WELL, TO CALL

I WOULD EVER SAY COULD LEAD THE PROSECUTORS TO, WELL, TO CALL FOR YOUR IMPEACHMENT.

PROSECUTORS TO, WELL, TO CALL FOR YOUR IMPEACHMENT. JOHN, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST

FOR YOUR IMPEACHMENT. JOHN, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME I UNDERSTOOD THE SANCTITY

JOHN, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME I UNDERSTOOD THE SANCTITY OF THE PRESIDENCY WAS AFTER IKE

TIME I UNDERSTOOD THE SANCTITY OF THE PRESIDENCY WAS AFTER IKE HAD HIS HEART ATTACK.

OF THE PRESIDENCY WAS AFTER IKE HAD HIS HEART ATTACK. I SAT BEHIND THIS VERY DESK

HAD HIS HEART ATTACK. I SAT BEHIND THIS VERY DESK HERE, AND I SAID TO MYSELF,

I SAT BEHIND THIS VERY DESK HERE, AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO HAVE MY

HERE, AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO HAVE MY OWN PRESIDENCY.

"SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO HAVE MY OWN PRESIDENCY. THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES

OWN PRESIDENCY. THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES MADE.

THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES MADE. I'M... "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

MADE. I'M... "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? OH, NOTHING.

I'M... "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? OH, NOTHING. I JUST COULDN'T HELP NOTICING

OH, NOTHING. I JUST COULDN'T HELP NOTICING THAT YOUR SHAKESPEARE VOLUMES

I JUST COULDN'T HELP NOTICING THAT YOUR SHAKESPEARE VOLUMES ARE TITLED "MACBETH,"

THAT YOUR SHAKESPEARE VOLUMES ARE TITLED "MACBETH," "ROMEO AND JULIET,"

ARE TITLED "MACBETH," "ROMEO AND JULIET," "RECORD, STOP, FAST-FORWARD,

"ROMEO AND JULIET," "RECORD, STOP, FAST-FORWARD, REWIND," AND "THE MERCHANT

"RECORD, STOP, FAST-FORWARD, REWIND," AND "THE MERCHANT OF VENICE," SIR.

REWIND," AND "THE MERCHANT OF VENICE," SIR. YEAH, WELL, JOHN, COME HERE

OF VENICE," SIR. YEAH, WELL, JOHN, COME HERE AND SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

YEAH, WELL, JOHN, COME HERE AND SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, PLEASE? JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR HERE.

AND SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, PLEASE? JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR HERE. SEE HOW IT FEELS, AS IT WERE.

JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR HERE. SEE HOW IT FEELS, AS IT WERE. JUST RELAX FOR A MOMENT, YOU

SEE HOW IT FEELS, AS IT WERE. JUST RELAX FOR A MOMENT, YOU KNOW?

JUST RELAX FOR A MOMENT, YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, MY AUNT WHO LIVES IN

KNOW? YOU KNOW, MY AUNT WHO LIVES IN MODESTO, CALIFORNIA, SHE'S A

YOU KNOW, MY AUNT WHO LIVES IN MODESTO, CALIFORNIA, SHE'S A HANDWRITING ANALYST.

MODESTO, CALIFORNIA, SHE'S A HANDWRITING ANALYST. SHE DOES IT AS A HOBBY, SORT OF,

HANDWRITING ANALYST. SHE DOES IT AS A HOBBY, SORT OF, AND, WELL, SHE'D BE THRILLED IF

SHE DOES IT AS A HOBBY, SORT OF, AND, WELL, SHE'D BE THRILLED IF SHE HAD YOUR SIGNATURE AMONG

AND, WELL, SHE'D BE THRILLED IF SHE HAD YOUR SIGNATURE AMONG HER COLLECTION, SO WHY DON'T YOU

SHE HAD YOUR SIGNATURE AMONG HER COLLECTION, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIGN THIS PIECE OF PAPER

HER COLLECTION, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIGN THIS PIECE OF PAPER AND I'LL SEND IT UP THERE?

JUST SIGN THIS PIECE OF PAPER AND I'LL SEND IT UP THERE? SHE'D GET A BIG KICK OUT OF IT.

AND I'LL SEND IT UP THERE? SHE'D GET A BIG KICK OUT OF IT. JUST PUT MY NAME RIGHT...

SHE'D GET A BIG KICK OUT OF IT. JUST PUT MY NAME RIGHT... JUST PUT YOUR NAME... SHE'D

JUST PUT MY NAME RIGHT... JUST PUT YOUR NAME... SHE'D GET A BIG... SHE FRAMES THEM UP.

JUST PUT YOUR NAME... SHE'D GET A BIG... SHE FRAMES THEM UP. WAIT A MINUTE.

GET A BIG... SHE FRAMES THEM UP. WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS A LETTER.

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS A LETTER. "DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE

THIS IS A LETTER. "DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE ACCEPT MY IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION

"DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE ACCEPT MY IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION BECAUSE OF MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR

ACCEPT MY IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION BECAUSE OF MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WATERGATE COVER-UP.

BECAUSE OF MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WATERGATE COVER-UP. ALSO FOR THE SECRET WAR IN

THE WATERGATE COVER-UP. ALSO FOR THE SECRET WAR IN CAMBODIA AND THE I.T.T.

ALSO FOR THE SECRET WAR IN CAMBODIA AND THE I.T.T. INCIDENT.

CAMBODIA AND THE I.T.T. INCIDENT. EHRLICHMAN AND HALDEMAN KNEW

INCIDENT. EHRLICHMAN AND HALDEMAN KNEW NOTHING.

EHRLICHMAN AND HALDEMAN KNEW NOTHING. I JUST HOPE YOU FIND IT IN YOUR

NOTHING. I JUST HOPE YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME.

I JUST HOPE YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME. I AM NOT A BOTTOM-DWELLING SLUG.

HEART TO FORGIVE ME. I AM NOT A BOTTOM-DWELLING SLUG. YOU ARE NOT A CROOK.

I AM NOT A BOTTOM-DWELLING SLUG. YOU ARE NOT A CROOK. SIGNED JOHN DEAN."

YOU ARE NOT A CROOK. SIGNED JOHN DEAN." BUT...

SIGNED JOHN DEAN." BUT... WHAT?!

BUT... WHAT?! WHAT?!

WHAT?! WHAT?! LET ME SEE THAT!

WHAT?! LET ME SEE THAT! ISN'T THAT WEIRD?!

LET ME SEE THAT! ISN'T THAT WEIRD?! WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?! WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING? THAT REALLY IS A MYSTERY, JOHN.

WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING? THAT REALLY IS A MYSTERY, JOHN. THAT'S A STUMPER IF EVER I SAW

THAT REALLY IS A MYSTERY, JOHN. THAT'S A STUMPER IF EVER I SAW ONE, JOHN.

THAT'S A STUMPER IF EVER I SAW ONE, JOHN. WHY, ISN'T THAT STRANGE!

ONE, JOHN. WHY, ISN'T THAT STRANGE! WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING...

WHY, ISN'T THAT STRANGE! WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING... THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I

WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING... THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SPOKE WITH RICHARD NIXON.

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SPOKE WITH RICHARD NIXON. A YEAR AND A HALF LATER FOUND A

SPOKE WITH RICHARD NIXON. A YEAR AND A HALF LATER FOUND A NEW PRESIDENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE

A YEAR AND A HALF LATER FOUND A NEW PRESIDENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND ME AT HOLABIRD

NEW PRESIDENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND ME AT HOLABIRD MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON.

AND ME AT HOLABIRD MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON. IT WAS VISITING DAY, AND MY

MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON. IT WAS VISITING DAY, AND MY WIFE, MO, HAD COME TO SEE ME.

IT WAS VISITING DAY, AND MY WIFE, MO, HAD COME TO SEE ME. [TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

WIFE, MO, HAD COME TO SEE ME. [TYPEWRITER CLACKING] HOW'S THE BOOK COMING?

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING] HOW'S THE BOOK COMING? OH, HELLO, MO.

HOW'S THE BOOK COMING? OH, HELLO, MO. JUST GREAT.

OH, HELLO, MO. JUST GREAT. IT'S DOING NICELY.

JUST GREAT. IT'S DOING NICELY. HAVE YOU SEEN TODAY'S PAPER?

IT'S DOING NICELY. HAVE YOU SEEN TODAY'S PAPER? NO, WHY?

HAVE YOU SEEN TODAY'S PAPER? NO, WHY? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

NO, WHY? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] ON THE FRONT?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] ON THE FRONT? "FORD PARDONS NIXON"?!

ON THE FRONT? "FORD PARDONS NIXON"?! I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

"FORD PARDONS NIXON"?! I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THEN, ONLY NIXON... WELL, HE'LL

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THEN, ONLY NIXON... WELL, HE'LL NEVER HAVE TO ADMIT ANYTHING.

THEN, ONLY NIXON... WELL, HE'LL NEVER HAVE TO ADMIT ANYTHING. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON FORD

NEVER HAVE TO ADMIT ANYTHING. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON FORD IN YOUR BOOK?

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON FORD IN YOUR BOOK? YES, I DO... A COUPLE OF

IN YOUR BOOK? YES, I DO... A COUPLE OF THINGS.

YES, I DO... A COUPLE OF THINGS. FORD WILL PROBABLY RUN IN

THINGS. FORD WILL PROBABLY RUN IN '76.

FORD WILL PROBABLY RUN IN '76. YEAH?

'76. YEAH? WHY DON'T YOU RELEASE YOUR

YEAH? WHY DON'T YOU RELEASE YOUR BOOK RIGHT BEFORE THE ELECTION?

WHY DON'T YOU RELEASE YOUR BOOK RIGHT BEFORE THE ELECTION? THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

BOOK RIGHT BEFORE THE ELECTION? THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. THAT'LL ENSURE TWO THINGS... BIG

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. THAT'LL ENSURE TWO THINGS... BIG SALES FOR MY BOOK AND THE

THAT'LL ENSURE TWO THINGS... BIG SALES FOR MY BOOK AND THE PRESIDENCY FOR HUBERT HUMPHREY.

SALES FOR MY BOOK AND THE PRESIDENCY FOR HUBERT HUMPHREY. [APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLES] MADAM AND MONSIEUR, RY COODER, RIGHT HERE.

MADAM AND MONSIEUR, RY COODER, RIGHT HERE. [INTRO TO "TATTLER" PLAYS]

♪ WHENEVER YOU FIND A MAN THAT LOVES EVERY WOMAN HE SEES ♪ ♪ WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME KIND

THAT LOVES EVERY WOMAN HE SEES ♪ ♪ WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME KIND OF WOMAN THAT'S A-PUTTIN' HIM UP

♪ WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME KIND OF WOMAN THAT'S A-PUTTIN' HIM UP A TREE ♪

OF WOMAN THAT'S A-PUTTIN' HIM UP A TREE ♪ ♪ NOW, THAT KIND OF MAN,

A TREE ♪ ♪ NOW, THAT KIND OF MAN, HE AIN'T GOT AS MUCH SENSE

♪ NOW, THAT KIND OF MAN, HE AIN'T GOT AS MUCH SENSE AS A MULE ♪

HE AIN'T GOT AS MUCH SENSE AS A MULE ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERY WOMAN

AS A MULE ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERY WOMAN DON'T LOVE YOU ♪

♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERY WOMAN DON'T LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ THEY'RE JUST A-PLAYIN' YOU

DON'T LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ THEY'RE JUST A-PLAYIN' YOU FOR A FOOL ♪

♪ THEY'RE JUST A-PLAYIN' YOU FOR A FOOL ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

FOR A FOOL ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN ♪

♪ IF YOU MARRY THE WRONG KIND OF WOMAN AND YOU GET WHERE YOU CAN'T AGREE ♪

WOMAN AND YOU GET WHERE YOU CAN'T AGREE ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU JUST AS WELL TO GET

CAN'T AGREE ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU JUST AS WELL TO GET YOUR HAT AND LET THAT WOMAN BE ♪

♪ WELL, YOU JUST AS WELL TO GET YOUR HAT AND LET THAT WOMAN BE ♪ ♪ BUT MEN OUGHT TO MAKE GOOD

YOUR HAT AND LET THAT WOMAN BE ♪ ♪ BUT MEN OUGHT TO MAKE GOOD HUSBANDS ♪

♪ BUT MEN OUGHT TO MAKE GOOD HUSBANDS ♪ ♪ QUIT TRYIN' TO LEAD A FAST

HUSBANDS ♪ ♪ QUIT TRYIN' TO LEAD A FAST LIFE ♪

♪ QUIT TRYIN' TO LEAD A FAST LIFE ♪ ♪ GOIN' ABOUT DRESSIN' UP OTHER

LIFE ♪ ♪ GOIN' ABOUT DRESSIN' UP OTHER WOMEN WON'T PUT CLOTHES

♪ GOIN' ABOUT DRESSIN' UP OTHER WOMEN WON'T PUT CLOTHES ON HIS OWN WIFE ♪

WOMEN WON'T PUT CLOTHES ON HIS OWN WIFE ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

ON HIS OWN WIFE ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN ♪

♪ NOW, THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD WOMEN WHO WANTS TO MARRY ♪ ♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL

WOMEN WHO WANTS TO MARRY ♪ ♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL AT HOME ♪

♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL AT HOME ♪ ♪ BUT THEY'RE 'FRAID THEY'LL

AT HOME ♪ ♪ BUT THEY'RE 'FRAID THEY'LL MIGHT GET HOLD OF A ROWDY MAN ♪

♪ BUT THEY'RE 'FRAID THEY'LL MIGHT GET HOLD OF A ROWDY MAN ♪ ♪ CAN'T LET OTHER WOMEN ALONE ♪

MIGHT GET HOLD OF A ROWDY MAN ♪ ♪ CAN'T LET OTHER WOMEN ALONE ♪ ♪ AND THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD MEN

♪ CAN'T LET OTHER WOMEN ALONE ♪ ♪ AND THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD MEN NOW WANTS TO MARRY ♪

♪ AND THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD MEN NOW WANTS TO MARRY ♪ ♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL

NOW WANTS TO MARRY ♪ ♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL AT HOME ♪

♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL AT HOME ♪ ♪ BUT EVERY TIME THEY TURN THEIR

AT HOME ♪ ♪ BUT EVERY TIME THEY TURN THEIR BACK, THERE'S A MAN THERE

♪ BUT EVERY TIME THEY TURN THEIR BACK, THERE'S A MAN THERE ASKIN', "DARLIN', IS HE GONE?" ♪

BACK, THERE'S A MAN THERE ASKIN', "DARLIN', IS HE GONE?" ♪ ♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪

ASKIN', "DARLIN', IS HE GONE?" ♪ ♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU

♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN ♪

HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN ♪ ♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪

THAT YOU CAN ♪ ♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU

♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

TO UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN ♪

[APPLAUSE]

NEXT WEEK, PAUL SIMON RETURNS TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT." HIS SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE

TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT." HIS SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE GEORGE HARRISON.

HIS SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE GEORGE HARRISON. IT'S GONNA BE TERRIFIC.

GEORGE HARRISON. IT'S GONNA BE TERRIFIC. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IN HONOR OF THE BICENTENNIAL, IT

POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IN HONOR OF THE BICENTENNIAL, IT IS GOING TO REISSUE A STAMP

IN HONOR OF THE BICENTENNIAL, IT IS GOING TO REISSUE A STAMP COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN

IS GOING TO REISSUE A STAMP COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN THE UNITED STATES.

COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN THE UNITED STATES. IT'S A 10-CENT STAMP, BUT IF YOU

THE UNITED STATES. IT'S A 10-CENT STAMP, BUT IF YOU WANT TO LICK IT, IT'S A QUARTER.

FOLLOWING THE FINAL ELECTION RETURNS LAST WEEK, GERALD FORD MADE A PRIVATE TELEPHONE CALL TO

RETURNS LAST WEEK, GERALD FORD MADE A PRIVATE TELEPHONE CALL TO RICHARD NIXON AT SAN CLEMENTE.

MADE A PRIVATE TELEPHONE CALL TO RICHARD NIXON AT SAN CLEMENTE. OUR SOURCES REPORT THAT THE EX-

RICHARD NIXON AT SAN CLEMENTE. OUR SOURCES REPORT THAT THE EX- AND SOON-TO-BE EX-PRESIDENT

OUR SOURCES REPORT THAT THE EX- AND SOON-TO-BE EX-PRESIDENT DISCUSSED PLANS FOR RUNNING

AND SOON-TO-BE EX-PRESIDENT DISCUSSED PLANS FOR RUNNING TOGETHER IN 1980 BUT COULDN'T

DISCUSSED PLANS FOR RUNNING TOGETHER IN 1980 BUT COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT COUNTRY TO DO IT IN.

TOGETHER IN 1980 BUT COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT COUNTRY TO DO IT IN. NOW THAT THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER,

DECIDE WHAT COUNTRY TO DO IT IN. NOW THAT THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER, PEOPLE ARE OBVIOUSLY EXCITED

NOW THAT THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER, PEOPLE ARE OBVIOUSLY EXCITED ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHANGE IN

PEOPLE ARE OBVIOUSLY EXCITED ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHANGE IN ADMINISTRATIONS, BUT NOT WITHOUT

ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHANGE IN ADMINISTRATIONS, BUT NOT WITHOUT CAUTION, HOWEVER.

ADMINISTRATIONS, BUT NOT WITHOUT CAUTION, HOWEVER. STUDENTS ARE SHOWN HERE PARADING

CAUTION, HOWEVER. STUDENTS ARE SHOWN HERE PARADING THROUGH THE STREETS OF

STUDENTS ARE SHOWN HERE PARADING THROUGH THE STREETS OF WASHINGTON WITH THE HEAD OF

THROUGH THE STREETS OF WASHINGTON WITH THE HEAD OF JERRY FORD, WHO THEY DECAPITATED

WASHINGTON WITH THE HEAD OF JERRY FORD, WHO THEY DECAPITATED AS A WARNING TO JIMMY CARTER

JERRY FORD, WHO THEY DECAPITATED AS A WARNING TO JIMMY CARTER THAT HE'D BETTER WATCH HIMSELF.

AS A WARNING TO JIMMY CARTER THAT HE'D BETTER WATCH HIMSELF. MANY REPUBLICANS ARE BLAMING

THAT HE'D BETTER WATCH HIMSELF. MANY REPUBLICANS ARE BLAMING SENATOR ROBERT DOLE FOR THE LOSS

MANY REPUBLICANS ARE BLAMING SENATOR ROBERT DOLE FOR THE LOSS OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

SENATOR ROBERT DOLE FOR THE LOSS OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. DOLE DENIES THAT HE WAS A MINUS

OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. DOLE DENIES THAT HE WAS A MINUS RATHER THAN A PLUS ON THIS

DOLE DENIES THAT HE WAS A MINUS RATHER THAN A PLUS ON THIS YEAR'S TICKET BY SAYING THAT IF

RATHER THAN A PLUS ON THIS YEAR'S TICKET BY SAYING THAT IF IT HAD BEEN CARTER/MONDALE

YEAR'S TICKET BY SAYING THAT IF IT HAD BEEN CARTER/MONDALE AGAINST JUST FORD, MANY VOTERS

IT HAD BEEN CARTER/MONDALE AGAINST JUST FORD, MANY VOTERS WOULD HAVE CRITICIZED THE

AGAINST JUST FORD, MANY VOTERS WOULD HAVE CRITICIZED THE PRESIDENT FOR NOT HAVING A

WOULD HAVE CRITICIZED THE PRESIDENT FOR NOT HAVING A RUNNING MATE.

PRESIDENT FOR NOT HAVING A RUNNING MATE. WELL, THE LARGEST PRIEST IN THE

RUNNING MATE. WELL, THE LARGEST PRIEST IN THE WORLD TURNED VENTRILOQUIST THIS

WELL, THE LARGEST PRIEST IN THE WORLD TURNED VENTRILOQUIST THIS WEEK.

WORLD TURNED VENTRILOQUIST THIS WEEK. A HIGHLIGHT OF HIS NEW ACT WILL

WEEK. A HIGHLIGHT OF HIS NEW ACT WILL BE DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE AND

A HIGHLIGHT OF HIS NEW ACT WILL BE DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE AND SINGING "I GOTTA BE ME" AT THE

BE DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE AND SINGING "I GOTTA BE ME" AT THE SAME TIME.

SINGING "I GOTTA BE ME" AT THE SAME TIME. ACTRESS SALLY FIELD IS MAKING A

SAME TIME. ACTRESS SALLY FIELD IS MAKING A COMEBACK IN A 4-HOUR DRAMA,

ACTRESS SALLY FIELD IS MAKING A COMEBACK IN A 4-HOUR DRAMA, "SYBIL," TO BE TELEVISED ON NBC.

COMEBACK IN A 4-HOUR DRAMA, "SYBIL," TO BE TELEVISED ON NBC. ADAPTED FROM THE BOOK, "SYBIL"

"SYBIL," TO BE TELEVISED ON NBC. ADAPTED FROM THE BOOK, "SYBIL" IS THE STORY OF A WOMAN WHO TOOK

ADAPTED FROM THE BOOK, "SYBIL" IS THE STORY OF A WOMAN WHO TOOK REFUGE IN 16 DIFFERENT

IS THE STORY OF A WOMAN WHO TOOK REFUGE IN 16 DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES.

REFUGE IN 16 DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES. SALLY WELCOMES THE CHALLENGE OF

PERSONALITIES. SALLY WELCOMES THE CHALLENGE OF THIS ROLE AND FEELS SHE IS

SALLY WELCOMES THE CHALLENGE OF THIS ROLE AND FEELS SHE IS COMPETENT TO PULL IT OFF, AS SHE

THIS ROLE AND FEELS SHE IS COMPETENT TO PULL IT OFF, AS SHE RECENTLY TOLD THIS REPORTER...

COMPETENT TO PULL IT OFF, AS SHE RECENTLY TOLD THIS REPORTER... "THANK YOU, IT'S NICE TO BE

RECENTLY TOLD THIS REPORTER... "THANK YOU, IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.

"THANK YOU, IT'S NICE TO BE HERE. SHOULD I CHECK YOUR OIL, MA'AM?

HERE. SHOULD I CHECK YOUR OIL, MA'AM? AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY DOUBLE

SHOULD I CHECK YOUR OIL, MA'AM? AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY DOUBLE JEOPARDY.

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY DOUBLE JEOPARDY. WE'LL CALL THE BABY 'JESUS.'

JEOPARDY. WE'LL CALL THE BABY 'JESUS.' [SPEAKING FRENCH]

WE'LL CALL THE BABY 'JESUS.' [SPEAKING FRENCH] FRANKLIN, STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE

[SPEAKING FRENCH] FRANKLIN, STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE AND COME TO BED!

FRANKLIN, STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE AND COME TO BED! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AND COME TO BED! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I DO.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] I DO. WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

I DO. WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN? I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN? I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT. COME ON, SANDY, WE GOTTA FIND

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT. COME ON, SANDY, WE GOTTA FIND DADDY WARBUCKS!

COME ON, SANDY, WE GOTTA FIND DADDY WARBUCKS! $20 FOR ME, $10 FOR THE HOTEL.

DADDY WARBUCKS! $20 FOR ME, $10 FOR THE HOTEL. EVERY BOY WANTS A HASBRO TOY.

$20 FOR ME, $10 FOR THE HOTEL. EVERY BOY WANTS A HASBRO TOY. HEY, ABBOTT!

EVERY BOY WANTS A HASBRO TOY. HEY, ABBOTT! I AM NOT A CROOK.

HEY, ABBOTT! I AM NOT A CROOK. LASSIE, IT'S ME, TIMMY!

I AM NOT A CROOK. LASSIE, IT'S ME, TIMMY! AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'LL

LASSIE, IT'S ME, TIMMY! AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'LL NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN."

AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'LL NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN." [APPLAUSE]

NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN." [APPLAUSE] MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST

[APPLAUSE] MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST CHURCH, WHICH... HELLO.

MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST CHURCH, WHICH... HELLO. MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST...

CHURCH, WHICH... HELLO. MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST... HELLO.

MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST... HELLO. MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST

HELLO. MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST CHURCH, WHICH JIMMY CARTER HAS

MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST CHURCH, WHICH JIMMY CARTER HAS ATTENDED ALL HIS LIFE, WILL MEET

CHURCH, WHICH JIMMY CARTER HAS ATTENDED ALL HIS LIFE, WILL MEET TOMORROW MORNING TO DECIDE ON

ATTENDED ALL HIS LIFE, WILL MEET TOMORROW MORNING TO DECIDE ON WHETHER OR NOT TO ADMIT BLACKS

TOMORROW MORNING TO DECIDE ON WHETHER OR NOT TO ADMIT BLACKS TO THE CONGREGATION.

WHETHER OR NOT TO ADMIT BLACKS TO THE CONGREGATION. VILLAGE RESIDENTS ARE OPTIMISTIC

TO THE CONGREGATION. VILLAGE RESIDENTS ARE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE DECISION, AS THE

VILLAGE RESIDENTS ARE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE DECISION, AS THE CHURCH BAPTISMAL BASIN IS BEING

ABOUT THE DECISION, AS THE CHURCH BAPTISMAL BASIN IS BEING STOCKED THIS WEEK WITH

CHURCH BAPTISMAL BASIN IS BEING STOCKED THIS WEEK WITH ALLIGATORS SHIPPED IN FROM THE

STOCKED THIS WEEK WITH ALLIGATORS SHIPPED IN FROM THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES.

ALLIGATORS SHIPPED IN FROM THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES. WE COULD TRY THAT AGAIN ON THAT

FLORIDA EVERGLADES. WE COULD TRY THAT AGAIN ON THAT CAMERA AND SEE IF... OH, HELLO.

WE COULD TRY THAT AGAIN ON THAT CAMERA AND SEE IF... OH, HELLO. IN A TRAGIC NOTE THIS WEEK, IT

CAMERA AND SEE IF... OH, HELLO. IN A TRAGIC NOTE THIS WEEK, IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT THE DEATH

IN A TRAGIC NOTE THIS WEEK, IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT THE DEATH OF SMOKEY THE BEAR WAS ACTUALLY

WAS DISCOVERED THAT THE DEATH OF SMOKEY THE BEAR WAS ACTUALLY A SUICIDE.

OF SMOKEY THE BEAR WAS ACTUALLY A SUICIDE. THE VETERAN FIREFIGHTER WAS

A SUICIDE. THE VETERAN FIREFIGHTER WAS DESPONDENT OVER HIS FAILING

THE VETERAN FIREFIGHTER WAS DESPONDENT OVER HIS FAILING HEALTH, A CONDITION DOCTORS

DESPONDENT OVER HIS FAILING HEALTH, A CONDITION DOCTORS DESCRIBED AS CHRONIC INSOMNIA.

HEALTH, A CONDITION DOCTORS DESCRIBED AS CHRONIC INSOMNIA. SMOKEY HADN'T SLEPT FOR THE PAST

DESCRIBED AS CHRONIC INSOMNIA. SMOKEY HADN'T SLEPT FOR THE PAST THREE WINTERS, LEAVING HIM

SMOKEY HADN'T SLEPT FOR THE PAST THREE WINTERS, LEAVING HIM RESTLESS, CONFUSED, AND QUITE

THREE WINTERS, LEAVING HIM RESTLESS, CONFUSED, AND QUITE INCOHERENT, AS INDICATED IN HIS

RESTLESS, CONFUSED, AND QUITE INCOHERENT, AS INDICATED IN HIS SUICIDE NOTE WHICH READ,

INCOHERENT, AS INDICATED IN HIS SUICIDE NOTE WHICH READ, "REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT

SUICIDE NOTE WHICH READ, "REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FORREST TUCKER."

"REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FORREST TUCKER." FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE

FORREST TUCKER." FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE YOU NOW TO LINCOLN NATIONAL

FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE YOU NOW TO LINCOLN NATIONAL FOREST IN NEW MEXICO, WITH

YOU NOW TO LINCOLN NATIONAL FOREST IN NEW MEXICO, WITH CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.

FOREST IN NEW MEXICO, WITH CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN. [CRICKETS CHIRPING]

JANE, I'M STANDING HERE IN

NEW MEXICO AT THE SITE OF THE

FUNERAL FOR SMOKEY THE BEAR.

IT WAS A TOUCHING SERVICE ATTENDED BY CLOSE FRIENDS AS WELL AS CELEBRITIES INCLUDING

ATTENDED BY CLOSE FRIENDS AS WELL AS CELEBRITIES INCLUDING BAMBI, THUMPER,

WELL AS CELEBRITIES INCLUDING BAMBI, THUMPER, PETER COTTONTAIL, REDD FOXX,

BAMBI, THUMPER, PETER COTTONTAIL, REDD FOXX, MAX BAER, AND BEAVER CLEAVER.

PETER COTTONTAIL, REDD FOXX, MAX BAER, AND BEAVER CLEAVER. YOU KNOW, ODDLY ENOUGH, JANE,

MAX BAER, AND BEAVER CLEAVER. YOU KNOW, ODDLY ENOUGH, JANE, SMOKEY'S LAST REQUEST WAS TO BE

YOU KNOW, ODDLY ENOUGH, JANE, SMOKEY'S LAST REQUEST WAS TO BE CREMATED.

SMOKEY'S LAST REQUEST WAS TO BE CREMATED. HE WANTED IT THAT WAY.

CREMATED. HE WANTED IT THAT WAY. SMOKEY WAS ALWAYS CONCERNED

HE WANTED IT THAT WAY. SMOKEY WAS ALWAYS CONCERNED ABOUT ECOLOGY AND FIGURED THAT

SMOKEY WAS ALWAYS CONCERNED ABOUT ECOLOGY AND FIGURED THAT HIS REMAINS SHOULD NOT TAKE UP

ABOUT ECOLOGY AND FIGURED THAT HIS REMAINS SHOULD NOT TAKE UP PRECIOUS LAND SPACE WITH A

HIS REMAINS SHOULD NOT TAKE UP PRECIOUS LAND SPACE WITH A BURIAL.

PRECIOUS LAND SPACE WITH A BURIAL. SO A SIMPLE CREMATION IT IS,

BURIAL. SO A SIMPLE CREMATION IT IS, JANE, AS THIS BELOVED CIVIL

SO A SIMPLE CREMATION IT IS, JANE, AS THIS BELOVED CIVIL SERVANT IS NOW GONE BUT

JANE, AS THIS BELOVED CIVIL SERVANT IS NOW GONE BUT DEFINITELY NOT FORGOTTEN.

SERVANT IS NOW GONE BUT DEFINITELY NOT FORGOTTEN. AND SO, SMOKEY THE BEAR, WHO

DEFINITELY NOT FORGOTTEN. AND SO, SMOKEY THE BEAR, WHO SPENT HIS LIFE PROWLIN' AND

AND SO, SMOKEY THE BEAR, WHO SPENT HIS LIFE PROWLIN' AND A-GROWLIN' AND A-SNIFFIN' THE

SPENT HIS LIFE PROWLIN' AND A-GROWLIN' AND A-SNIFFIN' THE AIR, HE COULD SMELL A FIRE

A-GROWLIN' AND A-SNIFFIN' THE AIR, HE COULD SMELL A FIRE BEFORE IT STARTS TO FLAME,

AIR, HE COULD SMELL A FIRE BEFORE IT STARTS TO FLAME, THAT'S THE WAY THEY CALL HIM,

BEFORE IT STARTS TO FLAME, THAT'S THE WAY THEY CALL HIM, SMOKEY, THAT'S HOW HE GOT HIS

THAT'S THE WAY THEY CALL HIM, SMOKEY, THAT'S HOW HE GOT HIS NAME.

SMOKEY, THAT'S HOW HE GOT HIS NAME. BACK TO YOU, JANE.

NAME. BACK TO YOU, JANE. [APPLAUSE]

BACK TO YOU, JANE. [APPLAUSE] AND WITH SMOKEY'S DEATH, SO

[APPLAUSE] AND WITH SMOKEY'S DEATH, SO ENDS THE 26-YEAR MORATORIUM ON

AND WITH SMOKEY'S DEATH, SO ENDS THE 26-YEAR MORATORIUM ON FOREST FIRES.

ENDS THE 26-YEAR MORATORIUM ON FOREST FIRES. A POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY...

FOREST FIRES. A POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY... WEEKEND UPDATE HAS JUST LEARNED

A POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY... WEEKEND UPDATE HAS JUST LEARNED THAT SMOKEY'S JOB AS

WEEKEND UPDATE HAS JUST LEARNED THAT SMOKEY'S JOB AS FIRE-PREVENTION SYMBOL WILL BE

THAT SMOKEY'S JOB AS FIRE-PREVENTION SYMBOL WILL BE TAKEN OVER BY NBC's OWN

FIRE-PREVENTION SYMBOL WILL BE TAKEN OVER BY NBC's OWN GENE SHALIT.

TAKEN OVER BY NBC's OWN GENE SHALIT. [APPLAUSE]

GENE SHALIT. [APPLAUSE] STILL TO COME... GENERAL

[APPLAUSE] STILL TO COME... GENERAL WILLIAM WESTMORELAND ON HIS WAY

STILL TO COME... GENERAL WILLIAM WESTMORELAND ON HIS WAY TO A UTAH FIRING SQUAD AFTER

WILLIAM WESTMORELAND ON HIS WAY TO A UTAH FIRING SQUAD AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

TO A UTAH FIRING SQUAD AFTER THIS MESSAGE. ["THE MARINES' HYMN" PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Announcer: THE MARINES...

[APPLAUSE]

OUR FINAL STORY IS THE KIND OF STORY WE LIKE TO SEE IN THIS AGE WHEN ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT

OF STORY WE LIKE TO SEE IN THIS AGE WHEN ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT NEW YORKERS IS THAT THEY JUST

AGE WHEN ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT NEW YORKERS IS THAT THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.

NEW YORKERS IS THAT THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED. WELL, VIETNAM VET TONY HERNANDEZ

DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED. WELL, VIETNAM VET TONY HERNANDEZ WAS WALKING HOME TO HIS SOUTH

WELL, VIETNAM VET TONY HERNANDEZ WAS WALKING HOME TO HIS SOUTH BRONX APARTMENT LAST NIGHT WHEN

WAS WALKING HOME TO HIS SOUTH BRONX APARTMENT LAST NIGHT WHEN HE HEARD THE SCREAMS OF

BRONX APARTMENT LAST NIGHT WHEN HE HEARD THE SCREAMS OF 23-YEAR-OLD VICKY HAMEL, WHO WAS

HE HEARD THE SCREAMS OF 23-YEAR-OLD VICKY HAMEL, WHO WAS BEING RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT BY A

23-YEAR-OLD VICKY HAMEL, WHO WAS BEING RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT BY A 300-POUND ASSAILANT.

BEING RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT BY A 300-POUND ASSAILANT. WELL, HERNANDEZ INTERCEDED, THE

300-POUND ASSAILANT. WELL, HERNANDEZ INTERCEDED, THE ASSAILANT KNIFED HIM TO DEATH,

WELL, HERNANDEZ INTERCEDED, THE ASSAILANT KNIFED HIM TO DEATH, AND CONTINUED WITH MISS HAMEL.

ASSAILANT KNIFED HIM TO DEATH, AND CONTINUED WITH MISS HAMEL. YOU JUST DON'T HEAR STORIES LIKE

AND CONTINUED WITH MISS HAMEL. YOU JUST DON'T HEAR STORIES LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

YOU JUST DON'T HEAR STORIES LIKE THAT ANYMORE. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT ANYMORE. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. [APPLAUSE]

[CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING] [Irish accent] ALL OF US AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER REACH A

[Irish accent] ALL OF US AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER REACH A CROSSROAD, A TIME TO DECIDE

ONE TIME OR ANOTHER REACH A CROSSROAD, A TIME TO DECIDE WHICH PATH ONE WILL TAKE DURING

CROSSROAD, A TIME TO DECIDE WHICH PATH ONE WILL TAKE DURING ONE'S LIFETIME.

WHICH PATH ONE WILL TAKE DURING ONE'S LIFETIME. BUT WHILE THE LORD GUIDES US

ONE'S LIFETIME. BUT WHILE THE LORD GUIDES US WITH HIS SPIRIT, WE ALSO HAVE

BUT WHILE THE LORD GUIDES US WITH HIS SPIRIT, WE ALSO HAVE FREE WILL TO HELP DETERMINE OUR

WITH HIS SPIRIT, WE ALSO HAVE FREE WILL TO HELP DETERMINE OUR FATE.

FREE WILL TO HELP DETERMINE OUR FATE. THIS FAMILY IS ABOUT TO CONFRONT

FATE. THIS FAMILY IS ABOUT TO CONFRONT A CROSSROAD.

THIS FAMILY IS ABOUT TO CONFRONT A CROSSROAD. LET US WATCH AND SEE HOW THEY

A CROSSROAD. LET US WATCH AND SEE HOW THEY HANDLE THEIR PERSONAL CRISIS.

LET US WATCH AND SEE HOW THEY HANDLE THEIR PERSONAL CRISIS. DAD?

HANDLE THEIR PERSONAL CRISIS. DAD? DAD, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A

DAD? DAD, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

DAD, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE? YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT COME AS

MINUTE? YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT COME AS QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I

YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT COME AS QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I THINK I'D LIKE TO QUIT SCHOOL.

QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I THINK I'D LIKE TO QUIT SCHOOL. I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR IT,

THINK I'D LIKE TO QUIT SCHOOL. I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR IT, DAD.

I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR IT, DAD. YOU KNOW HOW HARD I TRIED, HOW

DAD. YOU KNOW HOW HARD I TRIED, HOW I'VE STUDIED, BUT NO MATTER HOW

YOU KNOW HOW HARD I TRIED, HOW I'VE STUDIED, BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORK, I STILL DO POORLY.

I'VE STUDIED, BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORK, I STILL DO POORLY. LOOK, EVEN IF I STICK IT OUT AND

HARD I WORK, I STILL DO POORLY. LOOK, EVEN IF I STICK IT OUT AND FINISH THE TERM AND GRADUATE,

LOOK, EVEN IF I STICK IT OUT AND FINISH THE TERM AND GRADUATE, WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO?

FINISH THE TERM AND GRADUATE, WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO? I'M JUST NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL,

WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO? I'M JUST NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL, DAD.

I'M JUST NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL, DAD. I'M AT THE AGE WHERE I CAN MAKE

DAD. I'M AT THE AGE WHERE I CAN MAKE UP MY OWN MIND AND MAKE THE

I'M AT THE AGE WHERE I CAN MAKE UP MY OWN MIND AND MAKE THE DECISIONS THAT'LL MAKE ME HAPPY.

UP MY OWN MIND AND MAKE THE DECISIONS THAT'LL MAKE ME HAPPY. I SPOKE TO MR. HENDERSON TODAY,

DECISIONS THAT'LL MAKE ME HAPPY. I SPOKE TO MR. HENDERSON TODAY, AND HE SAID HE COULD USE A

I SPOKE TO MR. HENDERSON TODAY, AND HE SAID HE COULD USE A COUPLE OF NEW GUYS DOWN AT THE

AND HE SAID HE COULD USE A COUPLE OF NEW GUYS DOWN AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE.

COUPLE OF NEW GUYS DOWN AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE. HE COULD PULL A FEW STRINGS, AND

CONSTRUCTION SITE. HE COULD PULL A FEW STRINGS, AND MAYBE LATER I COULD GET INTO THE

HE COULD PULL A FEW STRINGS, AND MAYBE LATER I COULD GET INTO THE UNION.

MAYBE LATER I COULD GET INTO THE UNION. THEN I'D BE MAKING SOME REAL

UNION. THEN I'D BE MAKING SOME REAL MONEY, DAD.

THEN I'D BE MAKING SOME REAL MONEY, DAD. IT WOULD HELP YOU, TOO.

MONEY, DAD. IT WOULD HELP YOU, TOO. I COULD START PULLING MY OWN

IT WOULD HELP YOU, TOO. I COULD START PULLING MY OWN WEIGHT AROUND HERE.

I COULD START PULLING MY OWN WEIGHT AROUND HERE. YOU KNOW, PAY SOME BILLS AND

WEIGHT AROUND HERE. YOU KNOW, PAY SOME BILLS AND ALL.

YOU KNOW, PAY SOME BILLS AND ALL. IT'D BE GREAT, DAD.

ALL. IT'D BE GREAT, DAD. I'D FEEL LIKE A MAN INSTEAD OF A

IT'D BE GREAT, DAD. I'D FEEL LIKE A MAN INSTEAD OF A FAILURE, WHICH I AM AT SCHOOL,

I'D FEEL LIKE A MAN INSTEAD OF A FAILURE, WHICH I AM AT SCHOOL, DAD.

FAILURE, WHICH I AM AT SCHOOL, DAD. LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE

DAD. LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED. DAD, YOU'VE TRIED TO MAKE IT

DISAPPOINTED. DAD, YOU'VE TRIED TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR ME, EASIER FOR ME TO

DAD, YOU'VE TRIED TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR ME, EASIER FOR ME TO HELP ME HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES,

EASIER FOR ME, EASIER FOR ME TO HELP ME HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES, THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU NEVER HAD.

HELP ME HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES, THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU NEVER HAD. AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.

THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU NEVER HAD. AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT. BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO,

AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT. BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO, DAD.

BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO, DAD. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.

DAD. PLEASE UNDERSTAND. DAD!

PLEASE UNDERSTAND. DAD! BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION.

DAD! BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION. JAMIE WANTS TO YIELD TO

BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION. JAMIE WANTS TO YIELD TO TEMPTATION AND SACRIFICE HIS

JAMIE WANTS TO YIELD TO TEMPTATION AND SACRIFICE HIS FUTURE FOR IMMEDIATE REWARD, NOT

TEMPTATION AND SACRIFICE HIS FUTURE FOR IMMEDIATE REWARD, NOT UNUSUAL.

FUTURE FOR IMMEDIATE REWARD, NOT UNUSUAL. AN ADOLESCENT CRY FOR HELP.

UNUSUAL. AN ADOLESCENT CRY FOR HELP. AAH!

AN ADOLESCENT CRY FOR HELP. AAH! BUT JAMIE'S FATHER HAS ALSO

AAH! BUT JAMIE'S FATHER HAS ALSO REACHED A CROSSROAD.

BUT JAMIE'S FATHER HAS ALSO REACHED A CROSSROAD. SHOULD HE GRANT APPROVAL TO HIS

REACHED A CROSSROAD. SHOULD HE GRANT APPROVAL TO HIS SON'S DESIRE, OR SHOULD HE BE

SHOULD HE GRANT APPROVAL TO HIS SON'S DESIRE, OR SHOULD HE BE ADAMANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT'S

SON'S DESIRE, OR SHOULD HE BE ADAMANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT'S BEST FOR HIS SON?

ADAMANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT'S BEST FOR HIS SON? WELL, JAMIE NOW APPROACHES HIS

BEST FOR HIS SON? WELL, JAMIE NOW APPROACHES HIS OTHER PARENT, HOPING A MOTHER'S

WELL, JAMIE NOW APPROACHES HIS OTHER PARENT, HOPING A MOTHER'S LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING WILL

OTHER PARENT, HOPING A MOTHER'S LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING WILL EMBRACE HIM AND SUPPORT HIM.

LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING WILL EMBRACE HIM AND SUPPORT HIM. [GROANING]

EMBRACE HIM AND SUPPORT HIM. [GROANING] JAMIE, DEAR, EAT YOUR SOUP

[GROANING] JAMIE, DEAR, EAT YOUR SOUP BEFORE IT GETS COLD.

JAMIE, DEAR, EAT YOUR SOUP BEFORE IT GETS COLD. MOM? DO YOU LOVE ME?

BEFORE IT GETS COLD. MOM? DO YOU LOVE ME? OH, JAMIE, WHAT A SILLY

MOM? DO YOU LOVE ME? OH, JAMIE, WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.

OH, JAMIE, WHAT A SILLY QUESTION. YOU KNOW I DO.

QUESTION. YOU KNOW I DO. EAT IT, IT'S VEGETABLE.

YOU KNOW I DO. EAT IT, IT'S VEGETABLE. IT'S YOUR FAVORITE.

EAT IT, IT'S VEGETABLE. IT'S YOUR FAVORITE. MOM, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

IT'S YOUR FAVORITE. MOM, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME. YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

MOM, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME. YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU? I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU WANT

YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU? I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR ME, BUT DON'T

I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR ME, BUT DON'T YOU SEE?

WHAT'S BEST FOR ME, BUT DON'T YOU SEE? RIGHT NOW, WORKING DOWN AT

YOU SEE? RIGHT NOW, WORKING DOWN AT HENDERSON IS WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.

RIGHT NOW, WORKING DOWN AT HENDERSON IS WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. PLEASE, MOM, I KNOW...

HENDERSON IS WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. PLEASE, MOM, I KNOW... I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU'D

PLEASE, MOM, I KNOW... I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU'D NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME,

I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU'D NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME, AND I'D NEVER WANT TO DO

NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME, AND I'D NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.

AND I'D NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU. BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN WA...

ANYTHING TO HURT YOU. BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN WA... AAH!

BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN WA... AAH! OHH!

AAH! OHH! A FAMILY AT THE CROSSROADS.

OHH! A FAMILY AT THE CROSSROADS. JAMIE APPEARS INTENT UPON

A FAMILY AT THE CROSSROADS. JAMIE APPEARS INTENT UPON LEAVING SCHOOL, AND HIS PARENTS

JAMIE APPEARS INTENT UPON LEAVING SCHOOL, AND HIS PARENTS ARE VEHEMENT ABOUT NOT APPROVING

LEAVING SCHOOL, AND HIS PARENTS ARE VEHEMENT ABOUT NOT APPROVING SUCH A DECISION.

ARE VEHEMENT ABOUT NOT APPROVING SUCH A DECISION. NOW, WHEN SUCH A STALEMATE HAS

SUCH A DECISION. NOW, WHEN SUCH A STALEMATE HAS BEEN REACHED, WHEN NO SOLUTION

NOW, WHEN SUCH A STALEMATE HAS BEEN REACHED, WHEN NO SOLUTION HAS BEEN FOUND BY THE LOVED ONES

BEEN REACHED, WHEN NO SOLUTION HAS BEEN FOUND BY THE LOVED ONES INVOLVED, IT IS NATURAL, THEN,

HAS BEEN FOUND BY THE LOVED ONES INVOLVED, IT IS NATURAL, THEN, THAT THEY SEEK OUTSIDE GUIDANCE

INVOLVED, IT IS NATURAL, THEN, THAT THEY SEEK OUTSIDE GUIDANCE AND HELP.

THAT THEY SEEK OUTSIDE GUIDANCE AND HELP. [GROANING]

AND HELP. [GROANING] [DOORBELL RINGS]

[GROANING] [DOORBELL RINGS] THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.

[DOORBELL RINGS] THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR. AAH!

THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR. AAH! WHY, REVEREND DANTLEY!

AAH! WHY, REVEREND DANTLEY! WHAT A SURPRISE.

WHY, REVEREND DANTLEY! WHAT A SURPRISE. WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AT THIS

WHAT A SURPRISE. WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AT THIS HOUR?

WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AT THIS HOUR? I WAS JUST IN THE

HOUR? I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. I THOUGHT I'D SEE HOW YOU PEOPLE

NEIGHBORHOOD. I THOUGHT I'D SEE HOW YOU PEOPLE ARE FARING.

I THOUGHT I'D SEE HOW YOU PEOPLE ARE FARING. YOU'RE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE.

ARE FARING. YOU'RE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE. OH, WE'RE JUST FINE.

YOU'RE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE. OH, WE'RE JUST FINE. WON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME

OH, WE'RE JUST FINE. WON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME DINNER?

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME DINNER? WELL, I REALLY SHOULDN'T, BUT

DINNER? WELL, I REALLY SHOULDN'T, BUT I SUPPOSE...

WELL, I REALLY SHOULDN'T, BUT I SUPPOSE... PLEASE, WE HAVE SOME ROAST

I SUPPOSE... PLEASE, WE HAVE SOME ROAST BEEF COMING.

PLEASE, WE HAVE SOME ROAST BEEF COMING. WE HAVE SOME GOOD SOUP HERE.

BEEF COMING. WE HAVE SOME GOOD SOUP HERE. SIT DOWN AND JOIN US.

WE HAVE SOME GOOD SOUP HERE. SIT DOWN AND JOIN US. I THINK YOU TALKED ME INTO

SIT DOWN AND JOIN US. I THINK YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.

I THINK YOU TALKED ME INTO IT. HOW ARE YOU, JAMIE?

IT. HOW ARE YOU, JAMIE? WELL, I'M HAVING KIND OF AN

HOW ARE YOU, JAMIE? WELL, I'M HAVING KIND OF AN IDENTITY CRISIS, BUT I DON'T...

WELL, I'M HAVING KIND OF AN IDENTITY CRISIS, BUT I DON'T... AYE-YO!

IDENTITY CRISIS, BUT I DON'T... AYE-YO! HONOR THY FATHER AND THY

AYE-YO! HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER, THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT.

HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER, THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT. MAYBE NOW JAMIE WILL SHUT UP.

MOTHER, THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT. MAYBE NOW JAMIE WILL SHUT UP. AFTER ALL, A PARENT CAN ONLY

MAYBE NOW JAMIE WILL SHUT UP. AFTER ALL, A PARENT CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT ADOLESCENT

AFTER ALL, A PARENT CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT ADOLESCENT CRAP FROM AN OVERWEIGHT WIMP

TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT ADOLESCENT CRAP FROM AN OVERWEIGHT WIMP LIKE HIM.

CRAP FROM AN OVERWEIGHT WIMP LIKE HIM. PERSONALLY, I'M SURPRISED THEY

LIKE HIM. PERSONALLY, I'M SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T BELT THAT KID YEARS AGO.

PERSONALLY, I'M SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T BELT THAT KID YEARS AGO. WHAT A BORE.

DIDN'T BELT THAT KID YEARS AGO. WHAT A BORE. NOW, I'M READY FOR THAT SOUP.

WHAT A BORE. NOW, I'M READY FOR THAT SOUP. HOW ARE THINGS AT THE CHURCH,

NOW, I'M READY FOR THAT SOUP. HOW ARE THINGS AT THE CHURCH, REVEREND?

HOW ARE THINGS AT THE CHURCH, REVEREND? LOVELY.

REVEREND? LOVELY. MRS. CARSON HAD HER BABY.

LOVELY. MRS. CARSON HAD HER BABY. IS THAT RIGHT?

MRS. CARSON HAD HER BABY. IS THAT RIGHT? [APPLAUSE]

♪ THIS FALL ♪ ♪ NBC SENDS YOU ALL THE BEST ♪ HE SAID, "IF I DON'T CALL

♪ NBC SENDS YOU ALL THE BEST ♪ HE SAID, "IF I DON'T CALL YOU, HOW AM I GONNA SPEAK TO

HE SAID, "IF I DON'T CALL YOU, HOW AM I GONNA SPEAK TO YOU?" AND I SAID, "WELL, LISTEN,

YOU, HOW AM I GONNA SPEAK TO YOU? "AND I SAID," WELL, LISTEN, I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY

YOU?" AND I SAID, "WELL, LISTEN, I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO ME."

I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO ME." Announcer: THIS FALL, NBC

YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO ME." Announcer: THIS FALL, NBC PRESENTS AN EXCITING NEW MEDICAL

Announcer: THIS FALL, NBC PRESENTS AN EXCITING NEW MEDICAL DRAMA.

PRESENTS AN EXCITING NEW MEDICAL DRAMA. DR. ROBERT LIEBMAN, A NEW BREED

DRAMA. DR. ROBERT LIEBMAN, A NEW BREED OF ANALYST, GIVES UP HIS

DR. ROBERT LIEBMAN, A NEW BREED OF ANALYST, GIVES UP HIS PROFITABLE OFFICE PRACTICE TO

OF ANALYST, GIVES UP HIS PROFITABLE OFFICE PRACTICE TO FIGHT DEPRESSION, NEUROSIS, AND

PROFITABLE OFFICE PRACTICE TO FIGHT DEPRESSION, NEUROSIS, AND FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY NO MATTER

FIGHT DEPRESSION, NEUROSIS, AND FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY NO MATTER WHERE OR WHEN THEY STRIKE.

FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY NO MATTER WHERE OR WHEN THEY STRIKE. [TIRES SCREECH]

HELLO, AL. SORRY I'M A LITTLE BIT LATE THIS AFTERNOON.

SORRY I'M A LITTLE BIT LATE THIS AFTERNOON. HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

AFTERNOON. HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? FINE.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? FINE. THAT'S GOOD.

FINE. THAT'S GOOD. Announcer: WITH A BEEMER,

THAT'S GOOD. Announcer: WITH A BEEMER, COMPASSION, AND A NOTEPAD, HE

Announcer: WITH A BEEMER, COMPASSION, AND A NOTEPAD, HE GOES OUT INTO THE STREETS TO

COMPASSION, AND A NOTEPAD, HE GOES OUT INTO THE STREETS TO THOSE WHO NEED HELP MOST, THE

GOES OUT INTO THE STREETS TO THOSE WHO NEED HELP MOST, THE OVER 5.3 MILLION AMERICANS WHO

THOSE WHO NEED HELP MOST, THE OVER 5.3 MILLION AMERICANS WHO DON'T SEEK PROPER MENTAL

OVER 5.3 MILLION AMERICANS WHO DON'T SEEK PROPER MENTAL HEALTHCARE.

DON'T SEEK PROPER MENTAL HEALTHCARE. THE WHOLE PROBLEM YOU'VE BEEN

HEALTHCARE. THE WHOLE PROBLEM YOU'VE BEEN HAVING WITH YOUR FAMILY, THE

THE WHOLE PROBLEM YOU'VE BEEN HAVING WITH YOUR FAMILY, THE WIFE AND CHILDREN...

HAVING WITH YOUR FAMILY, THE WIFE AND CHILDREN... SOMETHING HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU

WIFE AND CHILDREN... SOMETHING HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU TODAY.

SOMETHING HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU TODAY. YEAH, WELL, I HAD THE SAME

TODAY. YEAH, WELL, I HAD THE SAME NIGHTMARE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE

YEAH, WELL, I HAD THE SAME NIGHTMARE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE ABOUT THAT SQUISHY SNAKE.

NIGHTMARE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE ABOUT THAT SQUISHY SNAKE. 59 CENTS.

ABOUT THAT SQUISHY SNAKE. 59 CENTS. Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."

59 CENTS. Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK." BOLDLY EXPLORING THE

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK." BOLDLY EXPLORING THE SUBCONSCIOUS, BREAKING DOWN

BOLDLY EXPLORING THE SUBCONSCIOUS, BREAKING DOWN DEFENSE MECHANISMS,

SUBCONSCIOUS, BREAKING DOWN DEFENSE MECHANISMS, RESTRUCTURING ANXIETIES, AND

DEFENSE MECHANISMS, RESTRUCTURING ANXIETIES, AND REINTEGRATING THE BEHAVIORAL

RESTRUCTURING ANXIETIES, AND REINTEGRATING THE BEHAVIORAL CHARACTERISTICS OF THE

REINTEGRATING THE BEHAVIORAL CHARACTERISTICS OF THE INDIVIDUAL.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE INDIVIDUAL. HOW MUCH IS THE AVOCADOS?

INDIVIDUAL. HOW MUCH IS THE AVOCADOS? IT'S A SIMPLE RORSCHACH TEST.

HOW MUCH IS THE AVOCADOS? IT'S A SIMPLE RORSCHACH TEST. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE ON THE

IT'S A SIMPLE RORSCHACH TEST. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE ON THE CARD, WHATEVER COMES TO YOUR

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE ON THE CARD, WHATEVER COMES TO YOUR MIND.

CARD, WHATEVER COMES TO YOUR MIND. I SEE A RAT.

MIND. I SEE A RAT. Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."

I SEE A RAT. Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK." COMBINING THE WISDOM OF FREUD,

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK." COMBINING THE WISDOM OF FREUD, THE CLARITY OF JUNG, AND THE

COMBINING THE WISDOM OF FREUD, THE CLARITY OF JUNG, AND THE HUMAN INSIGHT OF

THE CLARITY OF JUNG, AND THE HUMAN INSIGHT OF DR. JOYCE BROTHERS.

HUMAN INSIGHT OF DR. JOYCE BROTHERS. THIS ONE?

DR. JOYCE BROTHERS. THIS ONE? UH, I SEE A BAT.

THIS ONE? UH, I SEE A BAT. LOOK AT THE LAST ONE HERE.

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK." HE WENT OUTSIDE TO HELP PEOPLE GO INSIDE.

HE WENT OUTSIDE TO HELP PEOPLE GO INSIDE. INSIDE THEMSELVES, DEEPER THAN

GO INSIDE. INSIDE THEMSELVES, DEEPER THAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE.

INSIDE THEMSELVES, DEEPER THAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE. DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE

THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE. DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE PSYCHE, UPROOTING THE BASIC

DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE PSYCHE, UPROOTING THE BASIC FEARS THAT BLOCK THEIR

PSYCHE, UPROOTING THE BASIC FEARS THAT BLOCK THEIR HAPPINESS.

FEARS THAT BLOCK THEIR HAPPINESS. LET'S GET BACK TO THE

HAPPINESS. LET'S GET BACK TO THE SEPARATION OF YOU AND YOUR

LET'S GET BACK TO THE SEPARATION OF YOU AND YOUR PARENTS!

SEPARATION OF YOU AND YOUR PARENTS! HOW OLD WERE YOU AT THE TIME?

PARENTS! HOW OLD WERE YOU AT THE TIME? I'M 47!

HOW OLD WERE YOU AT THE TIME? I'M 47! WHAT?

I'M 47! WHAT? 47!

WHAT? 47! HOW OLD WERE YOU?!

47! HOW OLD WERE YOU?! WHEN?!

HOW OLD WERE YOU?! WHEN?! WHEN YOUR PARENTS SEPARATED,

WHEN?! WHEN YOUR PARENTS SEPARATED, HOW OLD WERE YOU?

WHEN YOUR PARENTS SEPARATED, HOW OLD WERE YOU? I WAS 4!

HOW OLD WERE YOU? I WAS 4! OKAY!

I WAS 4! OKAY! HOW DID YOU FEEL... ANY ANXIETY,

OKAY! HOW DID YOU FEEL... ANY ANXIETY, ANY...

HOW DID YOU FEEL... ANY ANXIETY, ANY... ANXIOUS.

ANY... ANXIOUS. ANGER?

ANXIOUS. ANGER? ANXIOUS!

ANGER? ANXIOUS! LET IT OUT!

ANXIOUS! LET IT OUT! ANXIOUS!

LET IT OUT! ANXIOUS! Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."

ANXIOUS! Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK." COMING TO NBC THIS FALL.

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK." COMING TO NBC THIS FALL. ♪ ALL THE BEST ON NBC ♪

COMING TO NBC THIS FALL. ♪ ALL THE BEST ON NBC ♪ [APPLAUSE]

♪ ALL THE BEST ON NBC ♪ [APPLAUSE] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO "HOW THINGS WORK," THE SHOW

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO "HOW THINGS WORK," THE SHOW DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE

"HOW THINGS WORK," THE SHOW DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND JUST HOW OUR SOCIETY

DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND JUST HOW OUR SOCIETY FUNCTIONS.

UNDERSTAND JUST HOW OUR SOCIETY FUNCTIONS. OUR GUEST TODAY IS

FUNCTIONS. OUR GUEST TODAY IS MR. MERLE TADBURNEY, INDEPENDENT

OUR GUEST TODAY IS MR. MERLE TADBURNEY, INDEPENDENT COORDINATOR OF PRESSURE GROUP

MR. MERLE TADBURNEY, INDEPENDENT COORDINATOR OF PRESSURE GROUP ACTIVITY.

COORDINATOR OF PRESSURE GROUP ACTIVITY. MR. TADBURNEY, COULD YOU EXPLAIN

ACTIVITY. MR. TADBURNEY, COULD YOU EXPLAIN HOW PRESSURE GROUPS WORK?

MR. TADBURNEY, COULD YOU EXPLAIN HOW PRESSURE GROUPS WORK? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR

HOW PRESSURE GROUPS WORK? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR AUDIENCE EXACTLY HOW I GOT ON

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR AUDIENCE EXACTLY HOW I GOT ON YOUR SHOW TONIGHT?

AUDIENCE EXACTLY HOW I GOT ON YOUR SHOW TONIGHT? WELL, UH, WE RECEIVED

YOUR SHOW TONIGHT? WELL, UH, WE RECEIVED THOUSANDS OF LETTERS FROM ALL

WELL, UH, WE RECEIVED THOUSANDS OF LETTERS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY REQUESTING THAT

THOUSANDS OF LETTERS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY REQUESTING THAT WE DO A SHOW ON HOW THINGS WORK

OVER THE COUNTRY REQUESTING THAT WE DO A SHOW ON HOW THINGS WORK AND PRESSURE GROUPS, AND MOST OF

WE DO A SHOW ON HOW THINGS WORK AND PRESSURE GROUPS, AND MOST OF THE LETTERS SINGLED YOU OUT AS

AND PRESSURE GROUPS, AND MOST OF THE LETTERS SINGLED YOU OUT AS THE FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON THE

THE LETTERS SINGLED YOU OUT AS THE FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON THE SUBJECT.

THE FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON THE SUBJECT. THAT'S RIGHT, AND THEY WERE

SUBJECT. THAT'S RIGHT, AND THEY WERE ALL BOGUS LETTERS SENT OUT BY MY

THAT'S RIGHT, AND THEY WERE ALL BOGUS LETTERS SENT OUT BY MY ORGANIZATION, JUST TO GET ME ON

ALL BOGUS LETTERS SENT OUT BY MY ORGANIZATION, JUST TO GET ME ON YOUR SHOW TONIGHT.

ORGANIZATION, JUST TO GET ME ON YOUR SHOW TONIGHT. DO YOU MEAN THAT THERE'S NO

YOUR SHOW TONIGHT. DO YOU MEAN THAT THERE'S NO ONE OUT THERE WHO IS REALLY

DO YOU MEAN THAT THERE'S NO ONE OUT THERE WHO IS REALLY INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS?

ONE OUT THERE WHO IS REALLY INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS? WELL, I COULDN'T BE SURE OF

INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS? WELL, I COULDN'T BE SURE OF THAT.

WELL, I COULDN'T BE SURE OF THAT. I PERSONALLY NEVER MET ANYONE

THAT. I PERSONALLY NEVER MET ANYONE WHO WAS INTERESTED IN PRESSURE

I PERSONALLY NEVER MET ANYONE WHO WAS INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS OR HOW THEY WORK.

WHO WAS INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS OR HOW THEY WORK. WELL, I CERTAINLY AM

GROUPS OR HOW THEY WORK. WELL, I CERTAINLY AM IMPRESSED, AND OUR PRODUCER FELL

WELL, I CERTAINLY AM IMPRESSED, AND OUR PRODUCER FELL FOR IT HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

IMPRESSED, AND OUR PRODUCER FELL FOR IT HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER. WELL, THANK YOU.

FOR IT HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER. WELL, THANK YOU. WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD TO

WELL, THANK YOU. WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD TO DEVELOP AN EFFECTIVE

WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD TO DEVELOP AN EFFECTIVE PHONY-LETTER CAMPAIGN THAT WORKS

DEVELOP AN EFFECTIVE PHONY-LETTER CAMPAIGN THAT WORKS EVERY TIME, AND WE'RE PROUD OF

PHONY-LETTER CAMPAIGN THAT WORKS EVERY TIME, AND WE'RE PROUD OF IT.

EVERY TIME, AND WE'RE PROUD OF IT. WELL, SWELL.

IT. WELL, SWELL. WHAT ORGANIZATIONS DO YOU

WELL, SWELL. WHAT ORGANIZATIONS DO YOU REPRESENT?

WHAT ORGANIZATIONS DO YOU REPRESENT? WELL, I WORK FOR A LOT OF

REPRESENT? WELL, I WORK FOR A LOT OF ETHNIC GROUPS SUCH AS THE...

WELL, I WORK FOR A LOT OF ETHNIC GROUPS SUCH AS THE... WELL, THERE'S ONE CALLED THE

ETHNIC GROUPS SUCH AS THE... WELL, THERE'S ONE CALLED THE ITALIANS FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.

WELL, THERE'S ONE CALLED THE ITALIANS FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. THEY'RE UPSET EVERY TIME THE

ITALIANS FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. THEY'RE UPSET EVERY TIME THE STEREOTYPE OF AN ITALIAN AS A

THEY'RE UPSET EVERY TIME THE STEREOTYPE OF AN ITALIAN AS A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA IS USED IN

STEREOTYPE OF AN ITALIAN AS A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA IS USED IN THE MEDIA, AND SO WE EDUCATE

MEMBER OF THE MAFIA IS USED IN THE MEDIA, AND SO WE EDUCATE PEOPLE BY POINTING OUT SEVERAL

THE MEDIA, AND SO WE EDUCATE PEOPLE BY POINTING OUT SEVERAL SUCCESSFUL ITALIAN-AMERICANS WHO

PEOPLE BY POINTING OUT SEVERAL SUCCESSFUL ITALIAN-AMERICANS WHO HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THE

SUCCESSFUL ITALIAN-AMERICANS WHO HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THE MAFIA AT ALL.

HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THE MAFIA AT ALL. LIKE FRANK SINATRA.

MAFIA AT ALL. LIKE FRANK SINATRA. OH, I SEE.

LIKE FRANK SINATRA. OH, I SEE. ARE THEY ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT

OH, I SEE. ARE THEY ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT DEMEANING JOKES?

ARE THEY ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT DEMEANING JOKES? NO.

DEMEANING JOKES? NO. THEY HAVE QUITE A GOOD SENSE OF

NO. THEY HAVE QUITE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, BUT THERE IS ONE GROUP

THEY HAVE QUITE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, BUT THERE IS ONE GROUP THAT IS RATHER SENSITIVE ABOUT

HUMOR, BUT THERE IS ONE GROUP THAT IS RATHER SENSITIVE ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING, BEING THE

THAT IS RATHER SENSITIVE ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING, BEING THE BRUNT OF ETHNIC JOKES, YOU MIGHT

THAT SORT OF THING, BEING THE BRUNT OF ETHNIC JOKES, YOU MIGHT SAY.

BRUNT OF ETHNIC JOKES, YOU MIGHT SAY. ARE YOU REFERRING TO A

SAY. ARE YOU REFERRING TO A CERTAIN EASTERN-EUROPEAN GROUP?

ARE YOU REFERRING TO A CERTAIN EASTERN-EUROPEAN GROUP? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

CERTAIN EASTERN-EUROPEAN GROUP? YES, THAT'S RIGHT. I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I'M

YES, THAT'S RIGHT. I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I'M REFERRING TO THE

I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I'M REFERRING TO THE SERBO-CROATIANS.

REFERRING TO THE SERBO-CROATIANS. AND IF A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE

SERBO-CROATIANS. AND IF A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE APPEARS ON TELEVISION, WE MAKE

AND IF A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE APPEARS ON TELEVISION, WE MAKE SURE THE NETWORKS KNOW THAT

APPEARS ON TELEVISION, WE MAKE SURE THE NETWORKS KNOW THAT MILLIONS OF VIEWERS ARE

SURE THE NETWORKS KNOW THAT MILLIONS OF VIEWERS ARE OUTRAGED, MOST OF THEM

MILLIONS OF VIEWERS ARE OUTRAGED, MOST OF THEM SERBO-CROATS.

OUTRAGED, MOST OF THEM SERBO-CROATS. WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO

SERBO-CROATS. WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY NOT KNOW WHAT A

WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY NOT KNOW WHAT A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE IS, MAYBE

MAY NOT KNOW WHAT A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE IS, MAYBE YOU COULD POSSIBLY EXPLAIN.

SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE IS, MAYBE YOU COULD POSSIBLY EXPLAIN. WELL, THAT WOULD BE SORT OF

YOU COULD POSSIBLY EXPLAIN. WELL, THAT WOULD BE SORT OF ACTING AT CROSS PURPOSES,

WELL, THAT WOULD BE SORT OF ACTING AT CROSS PURPOSES, WOULDN'T IT?

ACTING AT CROSS PURPOSES, WOULDN'T IT? BECAUSE THEN I WOULD BE ACTING

WOULDN'T IT? BECAUSE THEN I WOULD BE ACTING AGAINST THE BEHALF OF ONE OF MY

BECAUSE THEN I WOULD BE ACTING AGAINST THE BEHALF OF ONE OF MY CLIENTS, BUT I CAN TELL YOU ONE

AGAINST THE BEHALF OF ONE OF MY CLIENTS, BUT I CAN TELL YOU ONE LITTLE JOKE.

CLIENTS, BUT I CAN TELL YOU ONE LITTLE JOKE. WHY DO A CERTAIN TYPE OF PEOPLE

LITTLE JOKE. WHY DO A CERTAIN TYPE OF PEOPLE MAKE BAD DRUGGISTS?

WHY DO A CERTAIN TYPE OF PEOPLE MAKE BAD DRUGGISTS? I DON'T KNOW. WHY?

MAKE BAD DRUGGISTS? I DON'T KNOW. WHY? BECAUSE WHEN THEY MAKE OUT

I DON'T KNOW. WHY? BECAUSE WHEN THEY MAKE OUT THE PRESCRIPTIONS, THEY KEEP

BECAUSE WHEN THEY MAKE OUT THE PRESCRIPTIONS, THEY KEEP BREAKING THE LITTLE BOTTLES IN

THE PRESCRIPTIONS, THEY KEEP BREAKING THE LITTLE BOTTLES IN THE TYPEWRITER.

BREAKING THE LITTLE BOTTLES IN THE TYPEWRITER. [LAUGHS]

THE TYPEWRITER. [LAUGHS] WELL, I THINK WE'VE JUST ABOUT

[LAUGHS] WELL, I THINK WE'VE JUST ABOUT RUN OUT OF TIME, AND I WANT TO

WELL, I THINK WE'VE JUST ABOUT RUN OUT OF TIME, AND I WANT TO THANK YOU, MERLE, FOR BEING ON

RUN OUT OF TIME, AND I WANT TO THANK YOU, MERLE, FOR BEING ON "HOW THINGS WORK."

THANK YOU, MERLE, FOR BEING ON "HOW THINGS WORK." WELL, IT'S NICE BEING HERE,

"HOW THINGS WORK." WELL, IT'S NICE BEING HERE, AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR

WELL, IT'S NICE BEING HERE, AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR RATINGS, I THINK YOU'LL GET A

AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR RATINGS, I THINK YOU'LL GET A LITTLE SURPRISE.

RATINGS, I THINK YOU'LL GET A LITTLE SURPRISE. [LAUGHS]

LITTLE SURPRISE. [LAUGHS] TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN SENATOR

[LAUGHS] TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN SENATOR BOB DOLE EXPLAINS HOW TV

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN SENATOR BOB DOLE EXPLAINS HOW TV DEBATING WORKS.

BOB DOLE EXPLAINS HOW TV DEBATING WORKS. AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM

DEBATING WORKS. AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS.

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE]

BY GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE] [WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[APPLAUSE] [WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] AND WE FIND THAT TRICKS AND

[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] AND WE FIND THAT TRICKS AND JOKES HAVE BECOME LARGER AND

AND WE FIND THAT TRICKS AND JOKES HAVE BECOME LARGER AND LARGER SINCE WE HAVE STARTED.

JOKES HAVE BECOME LARGER AND LARGER SINCE WE HAVE STARTED. AND, OF COURSE...

LARGER SINCE WE HAVE STARTED. AND, OF COURSE... [PBHT!]

AND, OF COURSE... [PBHT!] OH, MY GOODNESS.

[PBHT!] OH, MY GOODNESS. THIS IS FUNNY.

OH, MY GOODNESS. THIS IS FUNNY. THIS IS A POO-POO CUSHION.

THIS IS FUNNY. THIS IS A POO-POO CUSHION. AND IT'S ONE OF OUR VERY, VERY

THIS IS A POO-POO CUSHION. AND IT'S ONE OF OUR VERY, VERY LARGE NUMBERS...

AND IT'S ONE OF OUR VERY, VERY LARGE NUMBERS... AND LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES...

LARGE NUMBERS... AND LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES... AND PRACTICAL JOKES AT HOME.

AND LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES... AND PRACTICAL JOKES AT HOME. THESE ARE INSECTS.

AND PRACTICAL JOKES AT HOME. THESE ARE INSECTS. THIS IS USED IN SALADS, OR YOU

THESE ARE INSECTS. THIS IS USED IN SALADS, OR YOU COULD ON A TABLE.

THIS IS USED IN SALADS, OR YOU COULD ON A TABLE. AND NATURALLY, PEOPLE THINK THAT

COULD ON A TABLE. AND NATURALLY, PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU'RE NOT SO CLEAN.

AND NATURALLY, PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU'RE NOT SO CLEAN. HERE WE HAVE THE BLOODY WORM,

YOU'RE NOT SO CLEAN. HERE WE HAVE THE BLOODY WORM, WHICH IS ALSO USED IN SALADS

HERE WE HAVE THE BLOODY WORM, WHICH IS ALSO USED IN SALADS OR ON THE TABLE.

WHICH IS ALSO USED IN SALADS OR ON THE TABLE. AND NATURALLY WHEN THE PEOPLE

OR ON THE TABLE. AND NATURALLY WHEN THE PEOPLE SEE THAT, THEY SHUDDER AND GET

AND NATURALLY WHEN THE PEOPLE SEE THAT, THEY SHUDDER AND GET SCARED.

SEE THAT, THEY SHUDDER AND GET SCARED. HERE IS ONE OF OUR TERRIFIC

SCARED. HERE IS ONE OF OUR TERRIFIC NUMBERS.

HERE IS ONE OF OUR TERRIFIC NUMBERS. THE JUMBO RAT, WE CALL IT.

NUMBERS. THE JUMBO RAT, WE CALL IT. THIS IS A PEANUT BRITTLE CAN.

THE JUMBO RAT, WE CALL IT. THIS IS A PEANUT BRITTLE CAN. THIS I PERSONALLY PLAYED ON SOME

THIS IS A PEANUT BRITTLE CAN. THIS I PERSONALLY PLAYED ON SOME OF MY FRIENDS AT THE BEACH.

THIS I PERSONALLY PLAYED ON SOME OF MY FRIENDS AT THE BEACH. WE WERE HAVING A PARTY, AND I

OF MY FRIENDS AT THE BEACH. WE WERE HAVING A PARTY, AND I PRESENTED THIS TO THE HOSTESS,

WE WERE HAVING A PARTY, AND I PRESENTED THIS TO THE HOSTESS, AND WHEN SHE OPENED IT UP...

PRESENTED THIS TO THE HOSTESS, AND WHEN SHE OPENED IT UP... THREE BIG SNAKES CAME OUT.

AND WHEN SHE OPENED IT UP... THREE BIG SNAKES CAME OUT. AND IT WAS THE LAUGH OF THE

THREE BIG SNAKES CAME OUT. AND IT WAS THE LAUGH OF THE PARTY.

AND IT WAS THE LAUGH OF THE PARTY. THIS IS A TERRIFIC NUMBER.

PARTY. THIS IS A TERRIFIC NUMBER. THE BLACK SOAP.

THIS IS A TERRIFIC NUMBER. THE BLACK SOAP. IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY CAKE

THE BLACK SOAP. IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY CAKE OF SOAP, AND WHEN THEY WASH

IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY CAKE OF SOAP, AND WHEN THEY WASH THEIR HANDS, YOUR HANDS TURN

OF SOAP, AND WHEN THEY WASH THEIR HANDS, YOUR HANDS TURN BLACK.

THEIR HANDS, YOUR HANDS TURN BLACK. AND OF COURSE THEY GET VERY

BLACK. AND OF COURSE THEY GET VERY FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED OVER IT.

AND OF COURSE THEY GET VERY FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED OVER IT. THIS LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS

FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED OVER IT. THIS LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE BLACK SOAP, BUT THIS IS THE

THIS LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE BLACK SOAP, BUT THIS IS THE BLOODY SOAP.

THE BLACK SOAP, BUT THIS IS THE BLOODY SOAP. WE ALSO HAVE A HAND.

BLOODY SOAP. WE ALSO HAVE A HAND. I'D LOVE TO SHOW YOU THE HAND.

WE ALSO HAVE A HAND. I'D LOVE TO SHOW YOU THE HAND. YOU CAN PLACE THIS UNDER A

I'D LOVE TO SHOW YOU THE HAND. YOU CAN PLACE THIS UNDER A BLANKET JUST SO.

YOU CAN PLACE THIS UNDER A BLANKET JUST SO. BUT NOBODY BEING IN THE BED.

BLANKET JUST SO. BUT NOBODY BEING IN THE BED. YOU COULD PUT IT IN A DOOR.

BUT NOBODY BEING IN THE BED. YOU COULD PUT IT IN A DOOR. THIS IS ONE OF OUR VERY POPULAR

YOU COULD PUT IT IN A DOOR. THIS IS ONE OF OUR VERY POPULAR NUMBERS NOW.

THIS IS ONE OF OUR VERY POPULAR NUMBERS NOW. SINCE THE POLISH JOKES ARE SO

NUMBERS NOW. SINCE THE POLISH JOKES ARE SO VERY POPULAR.

SINCE THE POLISH JOKES ARE SO VERY POPULAR. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST

VERY POPULAR. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A POLISH

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A POLISH DICTIONARY, BUT WE DON'T HAVE

RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A POLISH DICTIONARY, BUT WE DON'T HAVE IT.

DICTIONARY, BUT WE DON'T HAVE IT. I WILL TRY AND GET IT.

IT. I WILL TRY AND GET IT. AND OF COURSE THIS IS ONE OF THE

I WILL TRY AND GET IT. AND OF COURSE THIS IS ONE OF THE OLD STANDBYS... THE JOY BUZZER.

AND OF COURSE THIS IS ONE OF THE OLD STANDBYS... THE JOY BUZZER. WE HAVE SO MANY ITEMS THAT I

OLD STANDBYS... THE JOY BUZZER. WE HAVE SO MANY ITEMS THAT I CAN'T SEE WHERE YOU COULDN'T GET

WE HAVE SO MANY ITEMS THAT I CAN'T SEE WHERE YOU COULDN'T GET A LAUGH.

CAN'T SEE WHERE YOU COULDN'T GET A LAUGH. AND IF, IN ANY EVENT, IT FAILS

A LAUGH. AND IF, IN ANY EVENT, IT FAILS THAT WAY, WHY, THEN, WE HAVE THE

AND IF, IN ANY EVENT, IT FAILS THAT WAY, WHY, THEN, WE HAVE THE LAUGH BAG, AND TRULY THIS WILL

THAT WAY, WHY, THEN, WE HAVE THE LAUGH BAG, AND TRULY THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH.

LAUGH BAG, AND TRULY THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH. [ LAUGHING]

MAKE YOU LAUGH. [ LAUGHING] [APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLING] [Foreign accent] AND HE SAYS, "YOU WANT TO BUY THE SHOES?

[Foreign accent] AND HE SAYS, "YOU WANT TO BUY THE SHOES? DO IT!" [LAUGHS]

"YOU WANT TO BUY THE SHOES? DO IT!" [LAUGHS] OH, BUT, NEIL, NEIL, NEIL, WHO'S

DO IT!" [LAUGHS] OH, BUT, NEIL, NEIL, NEIL, WHO'S TALKING, ME OR YOU, NEIL?

OH, BUT, NEIL, NEIL, NEIL, WHO'S TALKING, ME OR YOU, NEIL? NEIL.

TALKING, ME OR YOU, NEIL? NEIL. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PROUD IT

NEIL. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PROUD IT MAKES US THAT YOU'VE BEEN

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PROUD IT MAKES US THAT YOU'VE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL!

MAKES US THAT YOU'VE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL! THANK YOU, GRANDFATHER.

ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL! THANK YOU, GRANDFATHER. TO THINK I WOULD LIVE TO SEE

THANK YOU, GRANDFATHER. TO THINK I WOULD LIVE TO SEE THE DAY THAT HARVARD WOULD OPEN

TO THINK I WOULD LIVE TO SEE THE DAY THAT HARVARD WOULD OPEN ITS DOORS TO BEES.

THE DAY THAT HARVARD WOULD OPEN ITS DOORS TO BEES. AH.

ITS DOORS TO BEES. AH. WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?

AH. WHY SHOULDN'T THEY? "WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?"

WHY SHOULDN'T THEY? "WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?" BECAUSE, NEIL, IT WASN'T LONG

"WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?" BECAUSE, NEIL, IT WASN'T LONG AGO THAT A BEE IN AMERICA COULD

BECAUSE, NEIL, IT WASN'T LONG AGO THAT A BEE IN AMERICA COULD NOT HAVE DREAMED OF BECOMING A

AGO THAT A BEE IN AMERICA COULD NOT HAVE DREAMED OF BECOMING A LAWYER.

NOT HAVE DREAMED OF BECOMING A LAWYER. BEES WERE JUST ANOTHER MINORITY

LAWYER. BEES WERE JUST ANOTHER MINORITY IN A COUNTRY RUN BY WASPS.

BEES WERE JUST ANOTHER MINORITY IN A COUNTRY RUN BY WASPS. THAT'S RIGHT.

IN A COUNTRY RUN BY WASPS. THAT'S RIGHT. THE WASPS RAN EVERYTHING!

THAT'S RIGHT. THE WASPS RAN EVERYTHING! AND THEY TREATED BEES TERRIBLE.

THE WASPS RAN EVERYTHING! AND THEY TREATED BEES TERRIBLE. AND THE THINGS THEY CALLED US

AND THEY TREATED BEES TERRIBLE. AND THE THINGS THEY CALLED US YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

AND THE THINGS THEY CALLED US YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE. FLOWER SUCKERS.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE. FLOWER SUCKERS. ANTENNA HEADS.

FLOWER SUCKERS. ANTENNA HEADS. YOU KNOW, THEY CALL US

ANTENNA HEADS. YOU KNOW, THEY CALL US EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, THEY CALL US EVERYTHING. OH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE

EVERYTHING. OH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.

OH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD. HE SHOULD KNOW.

CHILD. HE SHOULD KNOW. HE SHOULD KNOW.

HE SHOULD KNOW. HE SHOULD KNOW. THEY CALLED US FLYING BARBER

HE SHOULD KNOW. THEY CALLED US FLYING BARBER POLES, BEE STUFFERS, QUEEN

THEY CALLED US FLYING BARBER POLES, BEE STUFFERS, QUEEN STUFFERS, YOU KNOW.

POLES, BEE STUFFERS, QUEEN STUFFERS, YOU KNOW. IT WAS TERRIBLE.

STUFFERS, YOU KNOW. IT WAS TERRIBLE. I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST

IT WAS TERRIBLE. I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST WASP I EVER MET.

I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST WASP I EVER MET. IT WAS, UH, IMMIGRATION

WASP I EVER MET. IT WAS, UH, IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL, ELLIS ISLAND.

IT WAS, UH, IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL, ELLIS ISLAND. AND THERE WERE YOUR GRANDMOTHER

OFFICIAL, ELLIS ISLAND. AND THERE WERE YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND I, FRESH FROM THE OLD

AND THERE WERE YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND I, FRESH FROM THE OLD COUNTRY, GETTING OUR FIRST TASTE

AND I, FRESH FROM THE OLD COUNTRY, GETTING OUR FIRST TASTE OF PREJUDICE.

OKAY, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. VERIFY THIS.

ALL RIGHT. VERIFY THIS. INCLUDE THIS HERE.

VERIFY THIS. INCLUDE THIS HERE. HO HO HO, UH-OH.

INCLUDE THIS HERE. HO HO HO, UH-OH. WHAT'S BLACK AND YELLOW AND RED

HO HO HO, UH-OH. WHAT'S BLACK AND YELLOW AND RED ALL OVER?

WHAT'S BLACK AND YELLOW AND RED ALL OVER? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

ALL OVER? WELL, I DON'T KNOW. A DEAD BEE COVERED WITH A

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. A DEAD BEE COVERED WITH A NEWSPAPER.

A DEAD BEE COVERED WITH A NEWSPAPER. [BOTH LAUGH]

NEWSPAPER. [BOTH LAUGH] WATCH THIS.

[BOTH LAUGH] WATCH THIS. EVER HAD HIVES?

WATCH THIS. EVER HAD HIVES? NO.

EVER HAD HIVES? NO. COME ON, LET'S SEE YOUR

NO. COME ON, LET'S SEE YOUR PAPERS.

COME ON, LET'S SEE YOUR PAPERS. COME ON, COME ON.

PAPERS. COME ON, COME ON. YES, SIR, RIGHT HERE.

COME ON, COME ON. YES, SIR, RIGHT HERE. ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOUR

YES, SIR, RIGHT HERE. ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? MR. AND MRS. HERSCHELL

NAMES? MR. AND MRS. HERSCHELL BLOUSHVASINS... WHAT IS THIS?

MR. AND MRS. HERSCHELL BLOUSHVASINS... WHAT IS THIS? BLOUSHRASINSKY.

BLOUSHVASINS... WHAT IS THIS? BLOUSHRASINSKY. TOO HARD TO PRONOUNCE.

BLOUSHRASINSKY. TOO HARD TO PRONOUNCE. FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE

TOO HARD TO PRONOUNCE. FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE MR. AND MRS. HENRY BEE.

FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE MR. AND MRS. HENRY BEE. BEE?

MR. AND MRS. HENRY BEE. BEE? GET MOVING.

BEE? GET MOVING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

GET MOVING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR. WE GO THIS WAY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR. WE GO THIS WAY. [CHUCKLING]

WE GO THIS WAY. [CHUCKLING] BOY, I'D LOVE TO DIP MY SPOON IN

[CHUCKLING] BOY, I'D LOVE TO DIP MY SPOON IN HER HONEY.

BOY, I'D LOVE TO DIP MY SPOON IN HER HONEY. YES?

HER HONEY. YES? SO, FROM THE FIRST, WE HATED

YES? SO, FROM THE FIRST, WE HATED THE WASPS.

SO, FROM THE FIRST, WE HATED THE WASPS. THEY CALLED US INSECTS.

THE WASPS. THEY CALLED US INSECTS. THEY CALLED US PESTS.

THEY CALLED US INSECTS. THEY CALLED US PESTS. THEY SENT US TO SPECIAL SCHOOLS

THEY CALLED US PESTS. THEY SENT US TO SPECIAL SCHOOLS TO LEARN HOW TO TALK LIKE THIS.

THEY SENT US TO SPECIAL SCHOOLS TO LEARN HOW TO TALK LIKE THIS. BUT WE DID LOVE NEW YORK.

TO LEARN HOW TO TALK LIKE THIS. BUT WE DID LOVE NEW YORK. THE HUSTLE, THE BUSTLE.

BUT WE DID LOVE NEW YORK. THE HUSTLE, THE BUSTLE. IT WAS EXCITING FOR A YOUNG BEE

THE HUSTLE, THE BUSTLE. IT WAS EXCITING FOR A YOUNG BEE WHO HAD JUST FLOWN OFF THE BOAT.

IT WAS EXCITING FOR A YOUNG BEE WHO HAD JUST FLOWN OFF THE BOAT. YES, THIS WAS AMERICA THAT HELD

WHO HAD JUST FLOWN OFF THE BOAT. YES, THIS WAS AMERICA THAT HELD SO MUCH PROMISE FOR THE BEE.

YES, THIS WAS AMERICA THAT HELD SO MUCH PROMISE FOR THE BEE. FOR IT WAS THE LAND OF MILK AND

SO MUCH PROMISE FOR THE BEE. FOR IT WAS THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY.

FOR IT WAS THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY. BUT, SIR, I ALREADY WORK 18

HONEY. BUT, SIR, I ALREADY WORK 18 HOURS A DAY!

BUT, SIR, I ALREADY WORK 18 HOURS A DAY! NOW, IF YOU ADD 8 MORE HOURS

HOURS A DAY! NOW, IF YOU ADD 8 MORE HOURS OVERTIME, I'LL BE WORKING 26

NOW, IF YOU ADD 8 MORE HOURS OVERTIME, I'LL BE WORKING 26 HOURS A DAY.

OVERTIME, I'LL BE WORKING 26 HOURS A DAY. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

HOURS A DAY. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IF I MAY SO, IT'S ATTITUDES

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IF I MAY SO, IT'S ATTITUDES LIKE THAT THAT HAVE KEPT YOU

IF I MAY SO, IT'S ATTITUDES LIKE THAT THAT HAVE KEPT YOU PEOPLE WHERE YOU ARE, ROCHESTER.

LIKE THAT THAT HAVE KEPT YOU PEOPLE WHERE YOU ARE, ROCHESTER. LOOK, WITH THE WAGES YOU

PEOPLE WHERE YOU ARE, ROCHESTER. LOOK, WITH THE WAGES YOU PAYING ME, I CAN'T SUPPORT MY

LOOK, WITH THE WAGES YOU PAYING ME, I CAN'T SUPPORT MY FAMILY!

PAYING ME, I CAN'T SUPPORT MY FAMILY! SURE, THE WAGES ARE LOW, BUT

FAMILY! SURE, THE WAGES ARE LOW, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FRINGE BENEFITS?

SURE, THE WAGES ARE LOW, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FRINGE BENEFITS? FRINGE BENEFITS?

WHAT ABOUT THE FRINGE BENEFITS? FRINGE BENEFITS? YES, ALL THE AIR YOU CAN

FRINGE BENEFITS? YES, ALL THE AIR YOU CAN BREATHE, FREE WALLS, AND PLENTY

YES, ALL THE AIR YOU CAN BREATHE, FREE WALLS, AND PLENTY OF FRESH WORK.

BREATHE, FREE WALLS, AND PLENTY OF FRESH WORK. HEY, THAT'S IT!

OF FRESH WORK. HEY, THAT'S IT! I QUIT THIS LOUSY SWEATSHOP!

HEY, THAT'S IT! I QUIT THIS LOUSY SWEATSHOP! DID YOU ALL HEAR THAT?

I QUIT THIS LOUSY SWEATSHOP! DID YOU ALL HEAR THAT? HE CALLED THIS A LOUSY

DID YOU ALL HEAR THAT? HE CALLED THIS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP.

HE CALLED THIS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP. WELL, HE HAS A POINT, REALLY,

SWEATSHOP. WELL, HE HAS A POINT, REALLY, BECAUSE IT IS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP.

WELL, HE HAS A POINT, REALLY, BECAUSE IT IS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP. WE HAVEN'T PRODUCED ENOUGH SWEAT

BECAUSE IT IS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP. WE HAVEN'T PRODUCED ENOUGH SWEAT IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS TO KEEP A

WE HAVEN'T PRODUCED ENOUGH SWEAT IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS TO KEEP A BIRD ALIVE.

IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS TO KEEP A BIRD ALIVE. EXCUSE ME, SIR, MAY I MAKE A

BIRD ALIVE. EXCUSE ME, SIR, MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION? PERHAPS SWEAT PRODUCTION IS DOWN

SUGGESTION? PERHAPS SWEAT PRODUCTION IS DOWN BECAUSE YOUR SPACE IS BEING USED

PERHAPS SWEAT PRODUCTION IS DOWN BECAUSE YOUR SPACE IS BEING USED INEFFICIENTLY.

BECAUSE YOUR SPACE IS BEING USED INEFFICIENTLY. YOU COULD ADD QUITE A FEW MORE

INEFFICIENTLY. YOU COULD ADD QUITE A FEW MORE SEWING MACHINES IN THIS AREA,

YOU COULD ADD QUITE A FEW MORE SEWING MACHINES IN THIS AREA, FOR EXAMPLE.

SEWING MACHINES IN THIS AREA, FOR EXAMPLE. SAY, THAT'S INTERESTING.

FOR EXAMPLE. SAY, THAT'S INTERESTING. WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO MY

SAY, THAT'S INTERESTING. WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO MY OFFICE?

WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO MY OFFICE? WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT.

OFFICE? WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT. OH, YES, SIR.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT. OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR. AND SO I GOT MY FIRST

YES, SIR. AND SO I GOT MY FIRST PROMOTION.

AND SO I GOT MY FIRST PROMOTION. SOON I WAS DOING VERY WELL.

PROMOTION. SOON I WAS DOING VERY WELL. BUT WHILE I WAS AS SUCCESSFUL AS

SOON I WAS DOING VERY WELL. BUT WHILE I WAS AS SUCCESSFUL AS MANY OTHER WASPS, I WAS NEVER

BUT WHILE I WAS AS SUCCESSFUL AS MANY OTHER WASPS, I WAS NEVER REALLY ACCEPTED BY THEM.

MANY OTHER WASPS, I WAS NEVER REALLY ACCEPTED BY THEM. I COULD NOT GAIN ADMITTANCE TO

REALLY ACCEPTED BY THEM. I COULD NOT GAIN ADMITTANCE TO THEIR SWANK CLUBS AND HOTELS.

I COULD NOT GAIN ADMITTANCE TO THEIR SWANK CLUBS AND HOTELS. SOCIALLY, I WAS STILL ON THE

THEIR SWANK CLUBS AND HOTELS. SOCIALLY, I WAS STILL ON THE "B" TEAM.

SOCIALLY, I WAS STILL ON THE "B" TEAM. BUT, HENRY, WE DON'T BELONG

"B" TEAM. BUT, HENRY, WE DON'T BELONG HERE.

BUT, HENRY, WE DON'T BELONG HERE. DID YOU SEE THE SIGN AT THE

HERE. DID YOU SEE THE SIGN AT THE DESK?

DID YOU SEE THE SIGN AT THE DESK? IT SAID, "WE DON'T ACCEPT CREDIT

DESK? IT SAID, "WE DON'T ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS OR BEES."

IT SAID, "WE DON'T ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS OR BEES." DON'T BE SILLY.

CARDS OR BEES." DON'T BE SILLY. MY OLD BOSS STAYS THIS HOTEL.

DON'T BE SILLY. MY OLD BOSS STAYS THIS HOTEL. SO WILL WE.

MY OLD BOSS STAYS THIS HOTEL. SO WILL WE. I FEEL VERY UN...

SO WILL WE. I FEEL VERY UN... WE'RE GONNA STAY HERE, AND

I FEEL VERY UN... WE'RE GONNA STAY HERE, AND THEY'RE GONNA TAKE US.

WE'RE GONNA STAY HERE, AND THEY'RE GONNA TAKE US. BUT THEY STARE AT US.

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE US. BUT THEY STARE AT US. IT'S SWANK, AIN'T IT?

BUT THEY STARE AT US. IT'S SWANK, AIN'T IT? I SAID TO HODGKINS, "TAKE

IT'S SWANK, AIN'T IT? I SAID TO HODGKINS, "TAKE THIS RASCAL OUT AND THRASH HIM.

I SAID TO HODGKINS, "TAKE THIS RASCAL OUT AND THRASH HIM. HE SPLASHED MUD ON THE LaSALLE."

THIS RASCAL OUT AND THRASH HIM. HE SPLASHED MUD ON THE LaSALLE." [LAUGHTER]

HE SPLASHED MUD ON THE LaSALLE." [LAUGHTER] IT WAS QUITE SHOCKING, REALLY.

[LAUGHTER] IT WAS QUITE SHOCKING, REALLY. HELLO!

IT WAS QUITE SHOCKING, REALLY. HELLO! GUESS WHO'S HERE.

HELLO! GUESS WHO'S HERE. HEY, WE JUST FLEW IN FROM

GUESS WHO'S HERE. HEY, WE JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW JERSEY.

HEY, WE JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW JERSEY. BOY, ARE OUR ARMS TIRED.

NEW JERSEY. BOY, ARE OUR ARMS TIRED. [LAUGHS]

BOY, ARE OUR ARMS TIRED. [LAUGHS] REGGIE AND CHRISTINA, I'D

[LAUGHS] REGGIE AND CHRISTINA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET HENRY AND... I

REGGIE AND CHRISTINA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET HENRY AND... I DO FORGET YOUR LAST NAME.

LIKE YOU TO MEET HENRY AND... I DO FORGET YOUR LAST NAME. BEE.

DO FORGET YOUR LAST NAME. BEE. YES, THEY'RE SORT OF...

BEE. YES, THEY'RE SORT OF... HEY, HOW 'BOUT TENNIS

YES, THEY'RE SORT OF... HEY, HOW 'BOUT TENNIS TOMORROW?

HEY, HOW 'BOUT TENNIS TOMORROW? WHAT DO YOU SAY? TENNIS?

TOMORROW? WHAT DO YOU SAY? TENNIS? OH, WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY BUT

WHAT DO YOU SAY? TENNIS? OH, WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY BUT THE COURTS ARE BROKEN.

OH, WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY BUT THE COURTS ARE BROKEN. WELL, HOW 'BOUT A SWIM?

THE COURTS ARE BROKEN. WELL, HOW 'BOUT A SWIM? WELL, THE POOL BURNED DOWN.

WELL, HOW 'BOUT A SWIM? WELL, THE POOL BURNED DOWN. HORSEBACK RIDING.

WELL, THE POOL BURNED DOWN. HORSEBACK RIDING. THE HORSES ARE BROKEN.

HORSEBACK RIDING. THE HORSES ARE BROKEN. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

THE HORSES ARE BROKEN. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] WELL, BIRD WATCHING.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] WELL, BIRD WATCHING. WE CAN WATCH THE BIRDS.

WELL, BIRD WATCHING. WE CAN WATCH THE BIRDS. THE BIRDS BURNED DOWN.

WE CAN WATCH THE BIRDS. THE BIRDS BURNED DOWN. BIRDS BURNED DOWN, HUH?

THE BIRDS BURNED DOWN. BIRDS BURNED DOWN, HUH? WELL, HOW 'BOUT SOME SOLITAIRE?

BIRDS BURNED DOWN, HUH? WELL, HOW 'BOUT SOME SOLITAIRE? WONDERFUL IDEA.

WELL, HOW 'BOUT SOME SOLITAIRE? WONDERFUL IDEA. CARDS.

WONDERFUL IDEA. CARDS. YOU KEEP IN TOUCH.

CARDS. YOU KEEP IN TOUCH. HOW 'BOUT SOME HOPSCOTCH?

YOU KEEP IN TOUCH. HOW 'BOUT SOME HOPSCOTCH? MAYBE WE COULD PLAY SOME?

WELL, I TRIED TO FIT IN, BUT THE WASPS DIDN'T WELCOME ME. NO MATTER HOW I ADJUSTED MY

THE WASPS DIDN'T WELCOME ME. NO MATTER HOW I ADJUSTED MY ANTENNA, THE RECEPTION WAS BAD.

NO MATTER HOW I ADJUSTED MY ANTENNA, THE RECEPTION WAS BAD. FINALLY I REALIZED, THESE PEOPLE

ANTENNA, THE RECEPTION WAS BAD. FINALLY I REALIZED, THESE PEOPLE WEREN'T FOR ME, SO I STOPPED

FINALLY I REALIZED, THESE PEOPLE WEREN'T FOR ME, SO I STOPPED TRYING TO FIT IN AND BECAME A

WEREN'T FOR ME, SO I STOPPED TRYING TO FIT IN AND BECAME A SUCCESS ON MY OWN.

TRYING TO FIT IN AND BECAME A SUCCESS ON MY OWN. AND OTHER BEES DID THE SAME.

SUCCESS ON MY OWN. AND OTHER BEES DID THE SAME. THEY DISTINGUISHED THEMSELVES IN

AND OTHER BEES DID THE SAME. THEY DISTINGUISHED THEMSELVES IN MANY AREAS.

THEY DISTINGUISHED THEMSELVES IN MANY AREAS. SOME OF OUR MOST OUTSTANDING

MANY AREAS. SOME OF OUR MOST OUTSTANDING AMERICANS WERE BEES.

SOME OF OUR MOST OUTSTANDING AMERICANS WERE BEES. FEW PEOPLE KNOW THIS, NEIL, BUT

AMERICANS WERE BEES. FEW PEOPLE KNOW THIS, NEIL, BUT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT WAS A BEE.

FEW PEOPLE KNOW THIS, NEIL, BUT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT WAS A BEE. YUL BRYNNER WAS A BEE.

FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT WAS A BEE. YUL BRYNNER WAS A BEE. BISHOP SHEEN WAS A BEE.

YUL BRYNNER WAS A BEE. BISHOP SHEEN WAS A BEE. NEIL ARMSTRONG... HE WAS A BEE.

BISHOP SHEEN WAS A BEE. NEIL ARMSTRONG... HE WAS A BEE. EVA GABOR WAS A BEE.

NEIL ARMSTRONG... HE WAS A BEE. EVA GABOR WAS A BEE. AND THE 1965-'67 GREEN BAY

EVA GABOR WAS A BEE. AND THE 1965-'67 GREEN BAY PACKERS WERE BEES!

AND THE 1965-'67 GREEN BAY PACKERS WERE BEES! AMERICA HAS BEEN KIND TO THE

PACKERS WERE BEES! AMERICA HAS BEEN KIND TO THE BEE, NEIL.

AMERICA HAS BEEN KIND TO THE BEE, NEIL. VERY KIND.

BEE, NEIL. VERY KIND. SO ALWAYS REMEMBER, NEIL, YOU

VERY KIND. SO ALWAYS REMEMBER, NEIL, YOU COME FROM A PROUD HERITAGE.

SO ALWAYS REMEMBER, NEIL, YOU COME FROM A PROUD HERITAGE. SO DON'T LET ANYONE FOR NO

COME FROM A PROUD HERITAGE. SO DON'T LET ANYONE FOR NO REASON WHAT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT

SO DON'T LET ANYONE FOR NO REASON WHAT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, YOU'RE NOT JUST

REASON WHAT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, YOU'RE NOT JUST ANOTHER LOUSY SON OF A BEE.

ANYBODY SAYS, YOU'RE NOT JUST ANOTHER LOUSY SON OF A BEE. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S RY COODER. [INTRO TO "HE'LL HAVE TO GO"

AGAIN, HERE'S RY COODER. [INTRO TO "HE'LL HAVE TO GO" PLAYS]

♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪ ♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE

A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪ ♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪

♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN

TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪

♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND

THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND THERE WITH YOU...

♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND THERE WITH YOU... HE'LL HAVE TO GO ♪

♪ WHISPER TO ME ♪ ♪ TELL ME DO YOU LOVE ME TOO? ♪ ♪ OR IS HE HOLDING YOU

♪ TELL ME DO YOU LOVE ME TOO? ♪ ♪ OR IS HE HOLDING YOU THE WAY I DO? ♪

♪ OR IS HE HOLDING YOU THE WAY I DO? ♪ ♪ THOUGH LOVE IS BLIND ♪

THE WAY I DO? ♪ ♪ THOUGH LOVE IS BLIND ♪ ♪ MAKE UP YOUR MIND ♪

♪ THOUGH LOVE IS BLIND ♪ ♪ MAKE UP YOUR MIND ♪ ♪ I'VE GOT TO KNOW ♪

♪ MAKE UP YOUR MIND ♪ ♪ I'VE GOT TO KNOW ♪ ♪ SHOULD I HANG UP

♪ I'VE GOT TO KNOW ♪ ♪ SHOULD I HANG UP OR WILL YOU TELL HIM...

♪ SHOULD I HANG UP OR WILL YOU TELL HIM... HE'LL HAVE TO GO? ♪

OR WILL YOU TELL HIM... HE'LL HAVE TO GO? ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS I WANT

HE'LL HAVE TO GO? ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS I WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH

♪ YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS I WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH SOME OTHER MAN ♪

TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH SOME OTHER MAN ♪ ♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR

SOME OTHER MAN ♪ ♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR NO? ♪

♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR NO? ♪ ♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪

NO? ♪ ♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS

♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪

♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪ ♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE

A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪ ♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪

♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN

TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪

♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND

THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND THERE WITH YOU...

♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND THERE WITH YOU... HE'LL HAVE TO GO ♪

♪ YOU CAN SAY THE WORDS I WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH SOME OTHER MAN ♪

TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH SOME OTHER MAN ♪ ♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES

SOME OTHER MAN ♪ ♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR NO? ♪

♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR NO? ♪ ♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪

OR NO? ♪ ♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS

♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪

♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪ ♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE

A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪ ♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE TOGETHER AND ALL ALONE ♪

♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE TOGETHER AND ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN

TOGETHER AND ALL ALONE ♪ ♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪

♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND

THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND THERE WITH YOU...

♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND THERE WITH YOU... HE'LL HAVE TO GO ♪

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING. I'M MIKE O'DONOGHUE, OR MR. MIKE AS MY FRIENDS LIKE TO CALL ME.

I'M MIKE O'DONOGHUE, OR MR. MIKE AS MY FRIENDS LIKE TO CALL ME. AND TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED

AS MY FRIENDS LIKE TO CALL ME. AND TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE IS ENTITLED

AND TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE IS ENTITLED "THE BLIND CHICKEN."

BEDTIME TALE IS ENTITLED "THE BLIND CHICKEN." THERE ONCE LIVED ON THE EDGE OF

"THE BLIND CHICKEN." THERE ONCE LIVED ON THE EDGE OF AN ALLIGATOR-INFESTED LAGOON A

THERE ONCE LIVED ON THE EDGE OF AN ALLIGATOR-INFESTED LAGOON A BLIND CHICKEN.

AN ALLIGATOR-INFESTED LAGOON A BLIND CHICKEN. HE WAS VERY HAPPY, OR ABOUT AS

BLIND CHICKEN. HE WAS VERY HAPPY, OR ABOUT AS HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE IF YOU'RE A

HE WAS VERY HAPPY, OR ABOUT AS HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE IF YOU'RE A BLIND CHICKEN.

HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE IF YOU'RE A BLIND CHICKEN. ONE DAY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE

BLIND CHICKEN. ONE DAY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF HIS COOP.

ONE DAY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF HIS COOP. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

DOOR OF HIS COOP. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. "WHO IS IT?" ASKED THE CHICKEN.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. "WHO IS IT?" ASKED THE CHICKEN. "I'M A... A... OH, WHAT DO YOU

"WHO IS IT?" ASKED THE CHICKEN. "I'M A... A... OH, WHAT DO YOU CALL THOSE THINGS?

"I'M A... A... OH, WHAT DO YOU CALL THOSE THINGS? THEY'RE YELLOW AND THEY HAVE THE

CALL THOSE THINGS? THEY'RE YELLOW AND THEY HAVE THE WEBBED FEET.

THEY'RE YELLOW AND THEY HAVE THE WEBBED FEET. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WEBBED FEET. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. THEY'RE ALWAYS SPLASHING AROUND

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. THEY'RE ALWAYS SPLASHING AROUND IN THE WATER, AND THEY GO QUACK

THEY'RE ALWAYS SPLASHING AROUND IN THE WATER, AND THEY GO QUACK OR SOMETHING."

IN THE WATER, AND THEY GO QUACK OR SOMETHING." "A DUCK?" SUGGESTED THE CHICKEN.

OR SOMETHING." "A DUCK?" SUGGESTED THE CHICKEN. "UH, YEAH, THAT'S IT," THE VOICE

"A DUCK?" SUGGESTED THE CHICKEN. "UH, YEAH, THAT'S IT," THE VOICE ANSWERED.

"UH, YEAH, THAT'S IT," THE VOICE ANSWERED. "I'M A DUCK."

ANSWERED. "I'M A DUCK." "OH, COME RIGHT IN, MR. DUCK,"

"I'M A DUCK." "OH, COME RIGHT IN, MR. DUCK," SAID THE CHICKEN, UNLOCKING THE

"OH, COME RIGHT IN, MR. DUCK," SAID THE CHICKEN, UNLOCKING THE DOOR.

SAID THE CHICKEN, UNLOCKING THE DOOR. "YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE,

DOOR. "YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE, I WAS AFRAID YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF

"YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE, I WAS AFRAID YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE ALLIGATORS THAT INFEST

I WAS AFRAID YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE ALLIGATORS THAT INFEST THE... AAH!

THOSE ALLIGATORS THAT INFEST THE... AAH! OHH! OHH!"

THE... AAH! OHH! OHH!" AND THE ALLIGATOR ATE THE

OHH! OHH!" AND THE ALLIGATOR ATE THE CHICKEN.

AND THE ALLIGATOR ATE THE CHICKEN. UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT EXCEPT

CHICKEN. UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT EXCEPT THREE, FOUR MONTHS LATER, THE

UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT EXCEPT THREE, FOUR MONTHS LATER, THE ALLIGATOR WAS SUNNING HIMSELF ON

THREE, FOUR MONTHS LATER, THE ALLIGATOR WAS SUNNING HIMSELF ON THE HIGHWAY, AND HE WAS RUN OVER

ALLIGATOR WAS SUNNING HIMSELF ON THE HIGHWAY, AND HE WAS RUN OVER BY A BUS, A BIG GREYHOUND

THE HIGHWAY, AND HE WAS RUN OVER BY A BUS, A BIG GREYHOUND SCENE-A-CRUISER.

BY A BUS, A BIG GREYHOUND SCENE-A-CRUISER. NO, WAIT, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST

SCENE-A-CRUISER. NO, WAIT, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST KIDDING.

NO, WAIT, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST KIDDING. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THE

KIDDING. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THE ALLIGATOR WAS IN THE FOREST

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THE ALLIGATOR WAS IN THE FOREST SUNNING HIMSELF ON A LOG WHEN HE

ALLIGATOR WAS IN THE FOREST SUNNING HIMSELF ON A LOG WHEN HE WAS RUN OVER BY A HOVERCRAFT.

SUNNING HIMSELF ON A LOG WHEN HE WAS RUN OVER BY A HOVERCRAFT. IN ANY CASE, HE WAS JUST MASHED.

WAS RUN OVER BY A HOVERCRAFT. IN ANY CASE, HE WAS JUST MASHED. THE END.

IN ANY CASE, HE WAS JUST MASHED. THE END. IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO

THE END. IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT ABOUT LOVE.

LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT ABOUT LOVE. LOVE IS A DEATH CAMP IN A

ABOUT LOVE. LOVE IS A DEATH CAMP IN A COSTUME.

LOVE IS A DEATH CAMP IN A COSTUME. GOOD NIGHT.

COSTUME. GOOD NIGHT. [APPLAUSE]

NBC HAS ASKED THAT WE TAKE PART IN A SURVEY, AND THERE ARE TWO RESEARCH SCIENTISTS HERE FOR

PART IN A SURVEY, AND THERE ARE TWO RESEARCH SCIENTISTS HERE FOR THAT, SO WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME

TWO RESEARCH SCIENTISTS HERE FOR THAT, SO WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME DOCTORS FRANKEN AND DAVIS, IS

THAT, SO WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME DOCTORS FRANKEN AND DAVIS, IS IT?

DOCTORS FRANKEN AND DAVIS, IS IT? YES, THANK YOU.

IT? YES, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

YES, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'M DR. THOMAS JAMES DAVIS.

GENTLEMEN. I'M DR. THOMAS JAMES DAVIS. THIS IS MY... THIS IS MY

I'M DR. THOMAS JAMES DAVIS. THIS IS MY... THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE, DR. ALAN S. FRANKEN.

THIS IS MY... THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE, DR. ALAN S. FRANKEN. WE'RE FROM JOHNS HOPKINS

ASSOCIATE, DR. ALAN S. FRANKEN. WE'RE FROM JOHNS HOPKINS DEPARTMENT OF SEMANTIC

WE'RE FROM JOHNS HOPKINS DEPARTMENT OF SEMANTIC PSYCHOLOGY.

DEPARTMENT OF SEMANTIC PSYCHOLOGY. NOT, OF COURSE, TO BE CONFUSED

PSYCHOLOGY. NOT, OF COURSE, TO BE CONFUSED WITH SEMITIC PSYCHOLOGY, WHICH

NOT, OF COURSE, TO BE CONFUSED WITH SEMITIC PSYCHOLOGY, WHICH IS A DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER.

WITH SEMITIC PSYCHOLOGY, WHICH IS A DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER. [LAUGHS]

IS A DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER. [LAUGHS] THANK YOU.

[LAUGHS] THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WE ARE CONDUCTING A SURVEY FOR

THANK YOU. WE ARE CONDUCTING A SURVEY FOR NBC STUDYING THE PSYCHODYNAMIC

WE ARE CONDUCTING A SURVEY FOR NBC STUDYING THE PSYCHODYNAMIC RELATIONSHIP OF WORDS AND HUMOR.

NBC STUDYING THE PSYCHODYNAMIC RELATIONSHIP OF WORDS AND HUMOR. WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, DOES THE WORD

RELATIONSHIP OF WORDS AND HUMOR. WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, DOES THE WORD "POTATO" NEVER FAIL TO GET A

WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, DOES THE WORD "POTATO" NEVER FAIL TO GET A LAUGH?

"POTATO" NEVER FAIL TO GET A LAUGH? [CHUCKLES]

LAUGH? [CHUCKLES] THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES] THANK YOU. SO... THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. SO... THANK YOU. SO, WE HAVE CHOSEN... WE ARE

SO... THANK YOU. SO, WE HAVE CHOSEN... WE ARE GOING TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE,

SO, WE HAVE CHOSEN... WE ARE GOING TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE, THEN, TO MEASURE YOUR AUDIENCE

GOING TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE, THEN, TO MEASURE YOUR AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE TONIGHT TO FIVE

THEN, TO MEASURE YOUR AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE TONIGHT TO FIVE WORDS WHICH WE'VE SELECTED FROM

LAUGH RESPONSE TONIGHT TO FIVE WORDS WHICH WE'VE SELECTED FROM THE DICTIONARY AT RANDOM.

WORDS WHICH WE'VE SELECTED FROM THE DICTIONARY AT RANDOM. NOW, TO DO THIS, WE HAVE THE

THE DICTIONARY AT RANDOM. NOW, TO DO THIS, WE HAVE THE LATEST IN EQUIPMENT DEVELOPED IN

NOW, TO DO THIS, WE HAVE THE LATEST IN EQUIPMENT DEVELOPED IN THIS FIELD BY MY ASSOCIATE AND

LATEST IN EQUIPMENT DEVELOPED IN THIS FIELD BY MY ASSOCIATE AND MYSELF.

THIS FIELD BY MY ASSOCIATE AND MYSELF. WE WILL BE WORKING WITH THE

MYSELF. WE WILL BE WORKING WITH THE LAUGH-O-GRAPH AND THE

WE WILL BE WORKING WITH THE LAUGH-O-GRAPH AND THE TEE-HEE-OMETER, WHICH WE HAVE

LAUGH-O-GRAPH AND THE TEE-HEE-OMETER, WHICH WE HAVE SYNTHESIZED.

TEE-HEE-OMETER, WHICH WE HAVE SYNTHESIZED. SOMETIMES WHEN WE'RE JUST

SYNTHESIZED. SOMETIMES WHEN WE'RE JUST JOKING AROUND THE LAB, WE CALL

SOMETIMES WHEN WE'RE JUST JOKING AROUND THE LAB, WE CALL IT THE HARDY-HAR-DIOGRAPH.

JOKING AROUND THE LAB, WE CALL IT THE HARDY-HAR-DIOGRAPH. TRUE STORY!

IT THE HARDY-HAR-DIOGRAPH. TRUE STORY! TRUE STORY!

TRUE STORY! TRUE STORY! GETS A LITTLE ZANY SOMETIMES IN

TRUE STORY! GETS A LITTLE ZANY SOMETIMES IN THE LAB.

GETS A LITTLE ZANY SOMETIMES IN THE LAB. AT ANY RATE, USING THIS

THE LAB. AT ANY RATE, USING THIS EQUIPMENT, WE'LL BE ABLE TO

AT ANY RATE, USING THIS EQUIPMENT, WE'LL BE ABLE TO IMMEDIATELY COMPUTE YOUR

EQUIPMENT, WE'LL BE ABLE TO IMMEDIATELY COMPUTE YOUR AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE.

IMMEDIATELY COMPUTE YOUR AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE. SO IF YOU'RE ALL READY NOW, AS I

AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE. SO IF YOU'RE ALL READY NOW, AS I KNOW I AM, I'LL HAND THE

SO IF YOU'RE ALL READY NOW, AS I KNOW I AM, I'LL HAND THE OFFICIAL SURVEY INSTRUCTIONS TO

KNOW I AM, I'LL HAND THE OFFICIAL SURVEY INSTRUCTIONS TO MY ASSOCIATE.

OFFICIAL SURVEY INSTRUCTIONS TO MY ASSOCIATE. HE'LL BREAK THE SEAL AND READ

MY ASSOCIATE. HE'LL BREAK THE SEAL AND READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.

HE'LL BREAK THE SEAL AND READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. WE'LL BE ABLE TO BEGIN TONIGHT'S

THE INSTRUCTIONS. WE'LL BE ABLE TO BEGIN TONIGHT'S SURVEY.

WE'LL BE ABLE TO BEGIN TONIGHT'S SURVEY. SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR OVER TO

SURVEY. SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR OVER TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN.

SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR OVER TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN. THANK YOU, DR. DAVIS.

MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN. THANK YOU, DR. DAVIS. YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN.

THANK YOU, DR. DAVIS. YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. JUST START.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. JUST START. JUST START.

JUST START. JUST START. JUST START.

JUST START. JUST START. THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE

JUST START. THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE INSTRUCTIONS.

THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE INSTRUCTIONS. TRY TO AVOID UNNECESSARY

INSTRUCTIONS. TRY TO AVOID UNNECESSARY ASSOCIATIONS WITH SEXUALITY,

TRY TO AVOID UNNECESSARY ASSOCIATIONS WITH SEXUALITY, BESTIALITY, ANALITY, THE...

F-FEMALE MAMMARY GLANDS. OR THE... FALLOPIAN TUBES.

OR THE... FALLOPIAN TUBES. TRY TO KEEP YOUR MINDS AS BLANK

FALLOPIAN TUBES. TRY TO KEEP YOUR MINDS AS BLANK AS POSSIBLE.

TRY TO KEEP YOUR MINDS AS BLANK AS POSSIBLE. IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT

AS POSSIBLE. IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT TV BOWLING.

IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT TV BOWLING. READY?

TV BOWLING. READY? WORD NUMBER ONE.

READY? WORD NUMBER ONE. WAZOO.

WORD NUMBER ONE. WAZOO. [LIGHT CHUCKLING]

WORD NUMBER TWO. VASELINE. [LIGHT LAUGHTER]

VASELINE. [LIGHT LAUGHTER] WORD NUMBER THREE.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER] WORD NUMBER THREE. SAND.

WORD NUMBER FOUR.

F-FINGER. [LAUGHTER]

FINALLY, WORD NUMBER FIVE. PUBIC. [LAUGHTER]

PUBIC. [LAUGHTER] PUBLIC.

[LAUGHTER] PUBLIC. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PUBLIC. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR VERY KIND COOPERATION.

MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR VERY KIND COOPERATION. NOW IF THE EQUIPMENT HAS BEEN

YOUR VERY KIND COOPERATION. NOW IF THE EQUIPMENT HAS BEEN OPERATING PROPERLY, WE SHOULD

NOW IF THE EQUIPMENT HAS BEEN OPERATING PROPERLY, WE SHOULD HAVE THE RESULTS TO TONIGHT'S

OPERATING PROPERLY, WE SHOULD HAVE THE RESULTS TO TONIGHT'S SURVEY, SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR

HAVE THE RESULTS TO TONIGHT'S SURVEY, SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN,

SURVEY, SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN, FOR THE RESULTS OF TONIGHT'S

TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN, FOR THE RESULTS OF TONIGHT'S SURVEY.

FOR THE RESULTS OF TONIGHT'S SURVEY. DR. FRANKEN.

SURVEY. DR. FRANKEN. THERE WE GO.

DR. FRANKEN. THERE WE GO. [CLEARS THROAT]

THERE WE GO. [CLEARS THROAT] THE OFFICIAL... THANK YOU, BY

[CLEARS THROAT] THE OFFICIAL... THANK YOU, BY THE WAY, DR. DAVIS.

THE OFFICIAL... THANK YOU, BY THE WAY, DR. DAVIS. YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN!

THE WAY, DR. DAVIS. YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY, OKAY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY, OKAY. THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE RESULTS.

OKAY, OKAY. THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE RESULTS. THIS AUDIENCE RANKS IN THE

THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE RESULTS. THIS AUDIENCE RANKS IN THE LOWEST PERCENTILE IN THE NATION

THIS AUDIENCE RANKS IN THE LOWEST PERCENTILE IN THE NATION IN TERMS OF MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL

LOWEST PERCENTILE IN THE NATION IN TERMS OF MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL STABILITY...

IN TERMS OF MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL STABILITY... BUT IN THE UPPER PERCENTILE HERE

STABILITY... BUT IN THE UPPER PERCENTILE HERE IN NEW YORK.

BUT IN THE UPPER PERCENTILE HERE IN NEW YORK. [LAUGHTER]

IN NEW YORK. [LAUGHTER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

[LAUGHTER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY RESEARCH

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY RESEARCH SCIENTISTS.

WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY RESEARCH SCIENTISTS. ALLOW US TO REMOVE OUR

SCIENTISTS. ALLOW US TO REMOVE OUR DISGUISES.

ALLOW US TO REMOVE OUR DISGUISES. WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN

DISGUISES. WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN AND DAVIS.

WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN AND DAVIS. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

AND DAVIS. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT. [APPLAUSE]

SAY, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS THAT YOU DREAM ABOUT OR HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT, BECAUSE

MOMENTS THAT YOU DREAM ABOUT OR HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT, BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WAY OVER,

HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT, BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WAY OVER, BUT WE HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE AND A

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WAY OVER, BUT WE HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE AND A HALF TO KILL HERE.

BUT WE HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE AND A HALF TO KILL HERE. THIS IS A TRADITIONAL PART OF

HALF TO KILL HERE. THIS IS A TRADITIONAL PART OF THE SHOW WHERE THE HOST SAYS

THIS IS A TRADITIONAL PART OF THE SHOW WHERE THE HOST SAYS WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME HE'S HAD.

THE SHOW WHERE THE HOST SAYS WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME HE'S HAD. SO I'D SAY THAT VERY SLOWLY,

WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME HE'S HAD. SO I'D SAY THAT VERY SLOWLY, WHICH WOULD KILL THE TIME, OR I

SO I'D SAY THAT VERY SLOWLY, WHICH WOULD KILL THE TIME, OR I COULD TELL THE TRUTH AND TELL

WHICH WOULD KILL THE TIME, OR I COULD TELL THE TRUTH AND TELL YOU WHAT A ROTTEN TIME I'VE HAD

COULD TELL THE TRUTH AND TELL YOU WHAT A ROTTEN TIME I'VE HAD PLAYING THE PART OF

YOU WHAT A ROTTEN TIME I'VE HAD PLAYING THE PART OF ELLIOTT GOULD HERE TONIGHT.

PLAYING THE PART OF ELLIOTT GOULD HERE TONIGHT. BUT THAT ISN'T TRUE EITHER.

ELLIOTT GOULD HERE TONIGHT. BUT THAT ISN'T TRUE EITHER. THE FACT IS, THIS IS ONE OF THE

BUT THAT ISN'T TRUE EITHER. THE FACT IS, THIS IS ONE OF THE WITTIEST GROUPS OF PEOPLE I'VE

THE FACT IS, THIS IS ONE OF THE WITTIEST GROUPS OF PEOPLE I'VE EVER WORKED WITH.

WITTIEST GROUPS OF PEOPLE I'VE EVER WORKED WITH. WATCH THEM SAY...

EVER WORKED WITH. WATCH THEM SAY... [APPLAUSE]

WATCH THEM SAY... [APPLAUSE] THAT'S, UH...

[APPLAUSE] THAT'S, UH... NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S, UH... NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT ISN'T HELPING BECAUSE WE

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT ISN'T HELPING BECAUSE WE STILL HAVE SOME TIME.

THAT ISN'T HELPING BECAUSE WE STILL HAVE SOME TIME. I'VE GOT SOME STUFF LEFT OVER

STILL HAVE SOME TIME. I'VE GOT SOME STUFF LEFT OVER FROM "THE BIG EVENT," I DIDN'T

I'VE GOT SOME STUFF LEFT OVER FROM "THE BIG EVENT," I DIDN'T GET ON WITH.

FROM "THE BIG EVENT," I DIDN'T GET ON WITH. "THE CHICKEN."

GET ON WITH. "THE CHICKEN." AND I DO SOME MORE HAND SHADOWS.

"THE CHICKEN." AND I DO SOME MORE HAND SHADOWS. LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE.

AND I DO SOME MORE HAND SHADOWS. LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE. SAY SOMETHING.

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE. SAY SOMETHING. SO I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF

SAY SOMETHING. SO I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME.

SO I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME. THANK YOU. BLESS YOU.

TIME. THANK YOU. BLESS YOU. AND IF YOU'RE DRIVING, WHY THE

THANK YOU. BLESS YOU. AND IF YOU'RE DRIVING, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING

AND IF YOU'RE DRIVING, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING TELEVISION?

HELL ARE YOU WATCHING TELEVISION? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

TELEVISION? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. ARE WE OUT YET?

ABOUT. ARE WE OUT YET? IS IT OVER?

ARE WE OUT YET? IS IT OVER? [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

PAUL SIMON WITH A SPECIAL

RECORDED APPEARANCE BY

GEORGE HARRISON.

WASN'T HE ONE OF THE BEATLES OR

SOMETHING?

I DON'T KNOW, THEY WERE LONG

BEFORE MY TIME.

I ONLY GO BACK TO THE

MODERNAIRES.

♪ I'LL NEVER SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ TILL I SMILE AT YOU ♪

THIS IS SMILIN' DON PARDO SAYING

GOOD NIGHT!

♪ I'LL NEVER LAUGH AGAIN ♪

♪ WHAT WOULD WE DO? ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER SMILE AGAIN ♪

[HUMMING]