Original subtitles

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[BLOWS NOSE]

[LAUGHING]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING...

WITH HIS GUESTS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELLIOTT GOULD.

TIMES HAVE CHANGED. [PIANO PLAYS] ♪ AND WE'VE ALWAYS REWOUND OUR

[PIANO PLAYS] ♪ AND WE'VE ALWAYS REWOUND OUR CLOCK ♪

♪ AND WE'VE ALWAYS REWOUND OUR CLOCK ♪ ♪ SINCE THE PURITANS GOT A

CLOCK ♪ ♪ SINCE THE PURITANS GOT A SHOCK ♪

♪ SINCE THE PURITANS GOT A SHOCK ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY LANDED ON

SHOCK ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪

♪ WHEN THEY LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪ ♪ IF TODAY ♪

PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪ ♪ IF TODAY ♪ ♪ ANY SHOCK THEY WOULD TRY TO

♪ IF TODAY ♪ ♪ ANY SHOCK THEY WOULD TRY TO STEM ♪

♪ ANY SHOCK THEY WOULD TRY TO STEM ♪ ♪ 'STEAD OF LANDING ON

STEM ♪ ♪ 'STEAD OF LANDING ON PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪

♪ 'STEAD OF LANDING ON PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪ ♪ PLYMOUTH ROCK WOULD LAND ON

PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪ ♪ PLYMOUTH ROCK WOULD LAND ON THEM ♪

♪ PLYMOUTH ROCK WOULD LAND ON THEM ♪ ♪ IN OLDEN DAYS,

THEM ♪ ♪ IN OLDEN DAYS, A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING ♪

♪ IN OLDEN DAYS, A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING ♪ ♪ WAS LOOKED ON

A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING ♪ ♪ WAS LOOKED ON AS SOMETHING SHOCKING ♪

♪ WAS LOOKED ON AS SOMETHING SHOCKING ♪ ♪ NOW, HEAVEN KNOWS,

AS SOMETHING SHOCKING ♪ ♪ NOW, HEAVEN KNOWS, ANYTHING GOES ♪

♪ NOW, HEAVEN KNOWS, ANYTHING GOES ♪ ♪ GOOD AUTHORS, TOO,

ANYTHING GOES ♪ ♪ GOOD AUTHORS, TOO, WHO ONCE KNEW BETTER WORDS ♪

♪ GOOD AUTHORS, TOO, WHO ONCE KNEW BETTER WORDS ♪ ♪ NOW ONLY USE FOUR-LETTER WORDS

WHO ONCE KNEW BETTER WORDS ♪ ♪ NOW ONLY USE FOUR-LETTER WORDS WRITING PROSE ♪

♪ NOW ONLY USE FOUR-LETTER WORDS WRITING PROSE ♪ ♪ ANYTHING GOES ♪

WRITING PROSE ♪ ♪ ANYTHING GOES ♪ ♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,

♪ ANYTHING GOES ♪ ♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY, AND GOOD'S BAD TODAY ♪

♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY, AND GOOD'S BAD TODAY ♪ ♪ AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪

AND GOOD'S BAD TODAY ♪ ♪ AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪ ♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪

♪ AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪ ♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY

♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪

♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪ ♪ ARE JUST SILLY GIGOLOS ♪

THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪ ♪ ARE JUST SILLY GIGOLOS ♪ ♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T

♪ ARE JUST SILLY GIGOLOS ♪ ♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪

♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪ ♪ I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BOUND TO

NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪ ♪ I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BOUND TO ANSWER WHEN I PROPOSE ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BOUND TO ANSWER WHEN I PROPOSE ♪ ♪ "ANYTHING GOES" ♪

ANSWER WHEN I PROPOSE ♪ ♪ "ANYTHING GOES" ♪ ♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,

♪ "ANYTHING GOES" ♪ ♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY, AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪

♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY, AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪ ♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪

AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪ ♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪ ♪ AND WHAT'S RIGHT TODAY? ♪

♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪ ♪ AND WHAT'S RIGHT TODAY? ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY

♪ AND WHAT'S RIGHT TODAY? ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪

♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪ ♪ ARE JUST ♪

THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪ ♪ ARE JUST ♪ ♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T

♪ ARE JUST ♪ ♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪

♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪ ♪ I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND TO

NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪ ♪ I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND TO ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND TO ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE ♪ AND TONIGHT, EVERYTHING GOES.

ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE ♪ AND TONIGHT, EVERYTHING GOES. RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM

AND TONIGHT, EVERYTHING GOES. RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM THE MESSAGE GIVER, WHO'S GONNA

RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM THE MESSAGE GIVER, WHO'S GONNA DELIVER A MESSAGE IN A MINUTE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO? HELLO.

HELLO? HELLO. BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE

HELLO. BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A

BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT

CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY.

CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY. TELL ME MORE.

COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY. TELL ME MORE. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT

TELL ME MORE. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT-TV ADS FOR

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT-TV ADS FOR SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS

GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT-TV ADS FOR SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED

SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS

CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES?

PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES? IT'S TRUE.

AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES? IT'S TRUE. THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND

IT'S TRUE. THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU

THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL

INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL

MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW,

SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW, DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO

MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW, DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO STAND BY AT THE END OF THEIR TV

DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO STAND BY AT THE END OF THEIR TV ADS.

NOW ABC, THE ACADEMY OF BETTER

CAREERS, OFFERS YOU THE CHANCE

TO BECOME ONE OF THESE

SOUGHT-AFTER, HIGH-PAID STANDBY

OPERATORS.

YOU'LL LEARN THE LATEST UP-TO-THE-MINUTE PHONE-ANSWERING TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF

UP-TO-THE-MINUTE PHONE-ANSWERING TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS.

TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS. YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE...

EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS. YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE... ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN

YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE... ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF

ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF THE FUTURE.

THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF THE FUTURE. IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS

THE FUTURE. IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU

IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES

WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES PROFESSIONALLY.

NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES PROFESSIONALLY. 9-4.

PROFESSIONALLY. 9-4. CHAD...

ABC IS VETERAN APPROVED BY

THE FEDERAL BOARD OF PUBLIC

INSTRUCTION, AND IS ELIGIBLE...

EXCUSE ME, MISTER.

I HAVE TO GET OFF.

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO CALL ABC AND START MY NEW

CAREER AS A SOUGHT-AFTER,

HIGH-PAID STANDBY OPERATOR.

HEY, DON'T LET LIFE PUT YOU

ON HOLD.

BECOME A STANDBY OPERATOR.

CALL NOW FOR FREE BOOKLET.

OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY TO

TAKE YOUR CALL.

WELL, I'M READY TO PLAY SOME POKER, JOHNNY. HOW SOON IS THIS EUROPEAN

POKER, JOHNNY. HOW SOON IS THIS EUROPEAN HOTSHOT GONNA ARRIVE?

HOW SOON IS THIS EUROPEAN HOTSHOT GONNA ARRIVE? WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW,

HOTSHOT GONNA ARRIVE? WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW, MR. RUSSO.

WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW, MR. RUSSO. HIS REPLY SAID 9:30.

MR. RUSSO. HIS REPLY SAID 9:30. WELL, IT'S NICE OF HIM TO

HIS REPLY SAID 9:30. WELL, IT'S NICE OF HIM TO GRACE OUR HUMBLE CITY OF

WELL, IT'S NICE OF HIM TO GRACE OUR HUMBLE CITY OF NAWLINS, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

GRACE OUR HUMBLE CITY OF NAWLINS, THOUGH, ISN'T IT? THEY SAY HE'S A GENTLEMAN OF

NAWLINS, THOUGH, ISN'T IT? THEY SAY HE'S A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, YOU KNOW?

THEY SAY HE'S A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, YOU KNOW? AND, JOHNNY, THERE... THERE

HONOR, YOU KNOW? AND, JOHNNY, THERE... THERE AREN'T MANY HONORABLE GENTLEMEN

AND, JOHNNY, THERE... THERE AREN'T MANY HONORABLE GENTLEMEN LEFT IN THE WORLD TODAY.

AREN'T MANY HONORABLE GENTLEMEN LEFT IN THE WORLD TODAY. WELL, UH, THEY SAY HE'S THE

LEFT IN THE WORLD TODAY. WELL, UH, THEY SAY HE'S THE BEST CARD PLAYER IN ALL EUROPE,

WELL, UH, THEY SAY HE'S THE BEST CARD PLAYER IN ALL EUROPE, SO YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR TOES

BEST CARD PLAYER IN ALL EUROPE, SO YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR TOES TONIGHT, MR. RUSSO.

SO YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR TOES TONIGHT, MR. RUSSO. DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF,

TONIGHT, MR. RUSSO. DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF, JOHNNY.

DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF, JOHNNY. YOU JUST HAND ME MY STAKES WHEN

JOHNNY. YOU JUST HAND ME MY STAKES WHEN I WANT 'EM AND SIT BACK AND

YOU JUST HAND ME MY STAKES WHEN I WANT 'EM AND SIT BACK AND WATCH SOMEBODY GET TAUGHT A

I WANT 'EM AND SIT BACK AND WATCH SOMEBODY GET TAUGHT A LESSON.

WATCH SOMEBODY GET TAUGHT A LESSON. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

LESSON. [KNOCK ON DOOR] OH, THAT MUST BE THEM NOW.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] OH, THAT MUST BE THEM NOW. WELL, SHOW 'EM IN, JOHNNY.

OH, THAT MUST BE THEM NOW. WELL, SHOW 'EM IN, JOHNNY. BY ALL MEANS, SHOW 'EM IN.

WELL, SHOW 'EM IN, JOHNNY. BY ALL MEANS, SHOW 'EM IN. YES, INDEED.

BY ALL MEANS, SHOW 'EM IN. YES, INDEED. GOOD EVENING.

YES, INDEED. GOOD EVENING. EXCUSE US FOR BEING LATE.

GOOD EVENING. EXCUSE US FOR BEING LATE. MAY I INTRODUCE

EXCUSE US FOR BEING LATE. MAY I INTRODUCE MR. RAMONE DIARGA HIMSELF?

MAY I INTRODUCE MR. RAMONE DIARGA HIMSELF? VERY, VERY PLEASED TO MEET

MR. RAMONE DIARGA HIMSELF? VERY, VERY PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

VERY, VERY PLEASED TO MEET YOU. I'M MOE GREENSTEIN,

YOU. I'M MOE GREENSTEIN, MR. DIARGA'S PERSONAL

I'M MOE GREENSTEIN, MR. DIARGA'S PERSONAL INTERPRETER AND BACKER.

MR. DIARGA'S PERSONAL INTERPRETER AND BACKER. AND YOU, SIR... YOU MUST BE

INTERPRETER AND BACKER. AND YOU, SIR... YOU MUST BE MR. RUSSO, I PRESUME.

AND YOU, SIR... YOU MUST BE MR. RUSSO, I PRESUME. MY SOUTHERN HOSPITABLE

MR. RUSSO, I PRESUME. MY SOUTHERN HOSPITABLE PLEASURE AND HONOR TO MEET YOU,

MY SOUTHERN HOSPITABLE PLEASURE AND HONOR TO MEET YOU, GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME YOU TO MY

PLEASURE AND HONOR TO MEET YOU, GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME YOU TO MY HOME.

GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME YOU TO MY HOME. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY MOST

HOME. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY MOST TRUSTED MANSERVANT, FRIEND, AND

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY MOST TRUSTED MANSERVANT, FRIEND, AND CONSULTANT, JOHNNY SAGPANTS.

TRUSTED MANSERVANT, FRIEND, AND CONSULTANT, JOHNNY SAGPANTS. BEEN WITH ME FOR 30 YEARS.

CONSULTANT, JOHNNY SAGPANTS. BEEN WITH ME FOR 30 YEARS. JOHNNY, WHISKEY, PLEASE.

BEEN WITH ME FOR 30 YEARS. JOHNNY, WHISKEY, PLEASE. GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE SEATED.

JOHNNY, WHISKEY, PLEASE. GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE SEATED. PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE.

GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE SEATED. PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE. HOW 'BOUT WE START WITH SOME

PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE. HOW 'BOUT WE START WITH SOME 5-CARD DRAW... $1,000 LIMIT,

HOW 'BOUT WE START WITH SOME 5-CARD DRAW... $1,000 LIMIT, 3 RAISES?

5-CARD DRAW... $1,000 LIMIT, 3 RAISES? WELL, THOSE STAKES SOUND

3 RAISES? WELL, THOSE STAKES SOUND PRETTY STEEP, SIR.

WELL, THOSE STAKES SOUND PRETTY STEEP, SIR. MM-HMM.

PRETTY STEEP, SIR. MM-HMM. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MM-HMM. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT IT'LL BE

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT IT'LL BE FINE WITH HIM.

MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT IT'LL BE FINE WITH HIM. GOOD, GOOD, WONDERFUL.

FINE WITH HIM. GOOD, GOOD, WONDERFUL. WELL, PERMIT ME TO HAVE THE

GOOD, GOOD, WONDERFUL. WELL, PERMIT ME TO HAVE THE HONOR OF TOASTING YOUR VISIT TO

WELL, PERMIT ME TO HAVE THE HONOR OF TOASTING YOUR VISIT TO OUR FAIR CITY HERE.

HONOR OF TOASTING YOUR VISIT TO OUR FAIR CITY HERE. THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL,

OUR FAIR CITY HERE. THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL, SIR, WILL GO TO YOU.

THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL, SIR, WILL GO TO YOU. AHH!

SIR, WILL GO TO YOU. AHH! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AHH! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YOU KNOW, MR. DIARGA,

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YOU KNOW, MR. DIARGA, EVERYTHING IN THIS SOUTH OF THIS

YOU KNOW, MR. DIARGA, EVERYTHING IN THIS SOUTH OF THIS GREAT NATION IS INDEED AN HONOR.

EVERYTHING IN THIS SOUTH OF THIS GREAT NATION IS INDEED AN HONOR. AND IT IS INDEED AND HONOR TO

GREAT NATION IS INDEED AN HONOR. AND IT IS INDEED AND HONOR TO EXTEND THE COURTESY TO TWO

AND IT IS INDEED AND HONOR TO EXTEND THE COURTESY TO TWO HONORABLE AND DISTINGUISHED

EXTEND THE COURTESY TO TWO HONORABLE AND DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN FROM THE FINE, FINE

HONORABLE AND DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN FROM THE FINE, FINE NATION OF EUROPE.

GENTLEMEN FROM THE FINE, FINE NATION OF EUROPE. YES, SIRREE, 5-CARD DRAW... A

NATION OF EUROPE. YES, SIRREE, 5-CARD DRAW... A GENTLEMAN'S POKER GAME.

YES, SIRREE, 5-CARD DRAW... A GENTLEMAN'S POKER GAME. AND I KNOW MR. DIARGA AGREES

GENTLEMAN'S POKER GAME. AND I KNOW MR. DIARGA AGREES WITH YOU, SIR.

AND I KNOW MR. DIARGA AGREES WITH YOU, SIR. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WITH YOU, SIR. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] HE SAYS THAT IT IS HIS HONOR

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] HE SAYS THAT IT IS HIS HONOR TO BE SO HONORED BY YOUR

HE SAYS THAT IT IS HIS HONOR TO BE SO HONORED BY YOUR HOSPITABLE GENEROSITY, YOUR

TO BE SO HONORED BY YOUR HOSPITABLE GENEROSITY, YOUR HONOR.

HOSPITABLE GENEROSITY, YOUR HONOR. WELL, I AM INDEED HONORED.

HONOR. WELL, I AM INDEED HONORED. YEP.

WELL, I AM INDEED HONORED. YEP. UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

YEP. UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. DON'T BOTHER ME, JOHNNY.

UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. DON'T BOTHER ME, JOHNNY. I GOT SOMETHING COMING MY WAY

DON'T BOTHER ME, JOHNNY. I GOT SOMETHING COMING MY WAY HERE.

I GOT SOMETHING COMING MY WAY HERE. UH, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE CARDS IN

HERE. UH, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE CARDS IN YOUR HAND.

UH, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE CARDS IN YOUR HAND. I BELIEVE THAT'S, UH... THAT'S

YOUR HAND. I BELIEVE THAT'S, UH... THAT'S NOT CORRECT, SIR.

I BELIEVE THAT'S, UH... THAT'S NOT CORRECT, SIR. I MEAN, UH, YOU HAVE ALL THE...

NOT CORRECT, SIR. I MEAN, UH, YOU HAVE ALL THE... [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I MEAN, UH, YOU HAVE ALL THE... [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES,

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES, SIR.

OH, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES, SIR. HE'S USED TO THE EUROPEAN CUSTOM

SIR. HE'S USED TO THE EUROPEAN CUSTOM ON THE FIRST HAND TO HOLD ALL

HE'S USED TO THE EUROPEAN CUSTOM ON THE FIRST HAND TO HOLD ALL THE CARDS IF YOU'RE DEALING.

ON THE FIRST HAND TO HOLD ALL THE CARDS IF YOU'RE DEALING. OH, WELL, WE'LL CALL IT A

THE CARDS IF YOU'RE DEALING. OH, WELL, WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL.

OH, WELL, WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL. I UNDERSTAND.

MISDEAL. I UNDERSTAND. YOU ARE GENTLEMEN OF HONOR, I'M

I UNDERSTAND. YOU ARE GENTLEMEN OF HONOR, I'M A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, AND THIS

YOU ARE GENTLEMEN OF HONOR, I'M A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, AND THIS WAS DONE WITH HONOR.

A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, AND THIS WAS DONE WITH HONOR. YOU'RE A SCHOLAR OF HONOR.

WAS DONE WITH HONOR. YOU'RE A SCHOLAR OF HONOR. NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW.

YOU'RE A SCHOLAR OF HONOR. NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW. ANOTHER CUSTOM, SIR.

NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW. ANOTHER CUSTOM, SIR. AHH, ANOTHER CUSTOM.

ANOTHER CUSTOM, SIR. AHH, ANOTHER CUSTOM. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AHH, ANOTHER CUSTOM. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] WELL, I ACCEPT IT WITH HONOR.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] WELL, I ACCEPT IT WITH HONOR. YES, INDEED.

WELL, I ACCEPT IT WITH HONOR. YES, INDEED. YOU KNOW, MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER

YES, INDEED. YOU KNOW, MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER DAVID BENOIT WAS INVOLVED IN

YOU KNOW, MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER DAVID BENOIT WAS INVOLVED IN AFFAIRS IN FRANCE, BUT HE NEVER

DAVID BENOIT WAS INVOLVED IN AFFAIRS IN FRANCE, BUT HE NEVER ACTUALLY, UM, TOOK ME OVER

AFFAIRS IN FRANCE, BUT HE NEVER ACTUALLY, UM, TOOK ME OVER THERE, BUT I DO, UH, ACCEPT...

ACTUALLY, UM, TOOK ME OVER THERE, BUT I DO, UH, ACCEPT... EXCUSE ME.

THERE, BUT I DO, UH, ACCEPT... EXCUSE ME. YOU... YOU JUST LOOKED AT MY

EXCUSE ME. YOU... YOU JUST LOOKED AT MY CARDS, MR. DIARGA.

YOU... YOU JUST LOOKED AT MY CARDS, MR. DIARGA. NOW, PLEASE, I'M AFRAID YOU

CARDS, MR. DIARGA. NOW, PLEASE, I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

NOW, PLEASE, I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T DO THAT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

CAN'T DO THAT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YOU DON'T PLAY DEALER'S LOOK

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YOU DON'T PLAY DEALER'S LOOK IN THIS COUNTRY?

YOU DON'T PLAY DEALER'S LOOK IN THIS COUNTRY? DEALER'S LOOK?

IN THIS COUNTRY? DEALER'S LOOK? I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HEARD

DEALER'S LOOK? I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HEARD OF THAT.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HEARD OF THAT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OF THAT. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] ONCE AGAIN, SIR, MR. DIARGA

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] ONCE AGAIN, SIR, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES AND HONORS YOU WITH

ONCE AGAIN, SIR, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES AND HONORS YOU WITH THE TAKING OF YOUR STAKES IN A

APOLOGIZES AND HONORS YOU WITH THE TAKING OF YOUR STAKES IN A SHOW OF GOOD FAITH AND HONOR.

THE TAKING OF YOUR STAKES IN A SHOW OF GOOD FAITH AND HONOR. THE TAKING OF MY STAKES?

SHOW OF GOOD FAITH AND HONOR. THE TAKING OF MY STAKES? AHH, YES, THE TAKING OF THE

THE TAKING OF MY STAKES? AHH, YES, THE TAKING OF THE STAKES.

AHH, YES, THE TAKING OF THE STAKES. IT'S AN HONOR SELDOM BESTOWED,

STAKES. IT'S AN HONOR SELDOM BESTOWED, EVEN IN THE EUROPEAN CAPITALS OF

IT'S AN HONOR SELDOM BESTOWED, EVEN IN THE EUROPEAN CAPITALS OF YOUR NATION.

EVEN IN THE EUROPEAN CAPITALS OF YOUR NATION. WHERE?

YOUR NATION. WHERE? ONCE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE...

WHERE? ONCE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE... YOU KNOW, SIR, MR. DIARGA

ONCE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE... YOU KNOW, SIR, MR. DIARGA GENUINELY RESPECTS YOU,

YOU KNOW, SIR, MR. DIARGA GENUINELY RESPECTS YOU, MR. RUSSO.

GENUINELY RESPECTS YOU, MR. RUSSO. HMM.

MR. RUSSO. HMM. YES, INDEED.

HMM. YES, INDEED. YES, INDEED.

YES, INDEED. YES, INDEED. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YES, INDEED. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT HE HAS

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT HE HAS NEVER ENCOURAGED SUCH

MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT HE HAS NEVER ENCOURAGED SUCH GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY AS

NEVER ENCOURAGED SUCH GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY AS NEW ORLEANS HOSPITALITY AND THAT

GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY AS NEW ORLEANS HOSPITALITY AND THAT YOU, SIR, ARE A TRUE-BLOODED

NEW ORLEANS HOSPITALITY AND THAT YOU, SIR, ARE A TRUE-BLOODED GENTLEMAN OF GREAT HONOR, AND HE

YOU, SIR, ARE A TRUE-BLOODED GENTLEMAN OF GREAT HONOR, AND HE SAYS THAT HE WILL TAKE MORE

GENTLEMAN OF GREAT HONOR, AND HE SAYS THAT HE WILL TAKE MORE STAKES IN YOUR HONOR, SIR.

SAYS THAT HE WILL TAKE MORE STAKES IN YOUR HONOR, SIR. MR. RUSSO, THIS IS

STAKES IN YOUR HONOR, SIR. MR. RUSSO, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

MR. RUSSO, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. NEVER MIND, JOHNNY.

RIDICULOUS. NEVER MIND, JOHNNY. JUST GET ME SOME MORE STAKES.

NEVER MIND, JOHNNY. JUST GET ME SOME MORE STAKES. MR. RUSSO, MAN, HE IS BUSTIN'

JUST GET ME SOME MORE STAKES. MR. RUSSO, MAN, HE IS BUSTIN' YOUR CHOPS.

MR. RUSSO, MAN, HE IS BUSTIN' YOUR CHOPS. UH, HOLD IT, HERE.

YOUR CHOPS. UH, HOLD IT, HERE. LET'S PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME, ALL

UH, HOLD IT, HERE. LET'S PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME, ALL RIGHT? JUST FOR A LITTLE VARIETY'S

RIGHT? JUST FOR A LITTLE VARIETY'S SAKE, OKAY?

JUST FOR A LITTLE VARIETY'S SAKE, OKAY? WE'LL JUST CALL THIS A MISDEAL,

SAKE, OKAY? WE'LL JUST CALL THIS A MISDEAL, SHALL WE?

WE'LL JUST CALL THIS A MISDEAL, SHALL WE? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

SHALL WE? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA WANTS TO KNOW IF

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM

MR. DIARGA WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL.

YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL. WHY, CERTAINLY.

THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL. WHY, CERTAINLY. CERTAINLY, I'D BE QUITE PLEASED

WHY, CERTAINLY. CERTAINLY, I'D BE QUITE PLEASED TO, QUITE PLEASED TO.

CERTAINLY, I'D BE QUITE PLEASED TO, QUITE PLEASED TO. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

TO, QUITE PLEASED TO. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] HE THANKS YOU ONCE AGAIN,

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] HE THANKS YOU ONCE AGAIN, SIR, AND HE HONORS YOU WITH THE

HE THANKS YOU ONCE AGAIN, SIR, AND HE HONORS YOU WITH THE GIVING OF THE STAKES.

SIR, AND HE HONORS YOU WITH THE GIVING OF THE STAKES. THIS IS WHERE HE TAKES YOUR

GIVING OF THE STAKES. THIS IS WHERE HE TAKES YOUR STAKES AND HE GIVES THEM TO ME,

THIS IS WHERE HE TAKES YOUR STAKES AND HE GIVES THEM TO ME, FOR WHICH I AM DEEPLY HONORED,

STAKES AND HE GIVES THEM TO ME, FOR WHICH I AM DEEPLY HONORED, SIR, FOR YOUR KIND SOUTHERN

FOR WHICH I AM DEEPLY HONORED, SIR, FOR YOUR KIND SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY.

SIR, FOR YOUR KIND SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY. AND I WISH TO THANK YOU MYSELF,

HOSPITALITY. AND I WISH TO THANK YOU MYSELF, MR. RUSSO.

AND I WISH TO THANK YOU MYSELF, MR. RUSSO. WHY, YOU'RE MOST WELCOME.

MR. RUSSO. WHY, YOU'RE MOST WELCOME. HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BLACKJACK?

WHY, YOU'RE MOST WELCOME. HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BLACKJACK? MAYBE I CAN RECOUP A BIT OF MY

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BLACKJACK? MAYBE I CAN RECOUP A BIT OF MY LOSSES HERE.

MAYBE I CAN RECOUP A BIT OF MY LOSSES HERE. 21, 21.

LOSSES HERE. 21, 21. AHA.

21, 21. AHA. UH, BEGGING YOUR PARDON, BUT

AHA. UH, BEGGING YOUR PARDON, BUT I BELIEVE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

UH, BEGGING YOUR PARDON, BUT I BELIEVE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DEAL ONE DOWN AND ONE UP.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DEAL ONE DOWN AND ONE UP. IS THIS NOT THE CORRECT

DEAL ONE DOWN AND ONE UP. IS THIS NOT THE CORRECT PROCEDURE?

IS THIS NOT THE CORRECT PROCEDURE? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

PROCEDURE? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES ONCE

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES ONCE AGAIN, SIR, FOR THE MISTAKE, AND

MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES ONCE AGAIN, SIR, FOR THE MISTAKE, AND HE DRINKS TO YOU WITH BOTH HIS

AGAIN, SIR, FOR THE MISTAKE, AND HE DRINKS TO YOU WITH BOTH HIS OWN AND WITH YOUR DRINK.

HE DRINKS TO YOU WITH BOTH HIS OWN AND WITH YOUR DRINK. UH...

OWN AND WITH YOUR DRINK. UH... WHY, I'M NATURALLY HONORED, SIR.

UH... WHY, I'M NATURALLY HONORED, SIR. NATURALLY, I'M HONORED.

WHY, I'M NATURALLY HONORED, SIR. NATURALLY, I'M HONORED. UH, EXCUSE ME, THERE.

NATURALLY, I'M HONORED. UH, EXCUSE ME, THERE. BUT, UH, I THINK, UH...

UH, EXCUSE ME, THERE. BUT, UH, I THINK, UH... THAT'S MR. RUSSO'S POT THERE

BUT, UH, I THINK, UH... THAT'S MR. RUSSO'S POT THERE YOU GOT, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S MR. RUSSO'S POT THERE YOU GOT, ISN'T IT? YES, YEAH.

YOU GOT, ISN'T IT? YES, YEAH. THE BLACKJACK.

YES, YEAH. THE BLACKJACK. ANTE IT UP HERE.

THE BLACKJACK. ANTE IT UP HERE. BLACKJACK.

ANTE IT UP HERE. BLACKJACK. BLACKJACK.

BLACKJACK. BLACKJACK. WAIT A MINUTE.

BLACKJACK. WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVE A BLACKJACK THERE.

WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVE A BLACKJACK THERE. SIR.

I HAVE A BLACKJACK THERE. SIR. WAIT A MINUTE.

SIR. WAIT A MINUTE. NOW YOU'RE GETTING MR. RUSSO'S

WAIT A MINUTE. NOW YOU'RE GETTING MR. RUSSO'S POT.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING MR. RUSSO'S POT. SIR, EXCUSE ME.

POT. SIR, EXCUSE ME. IN EUROPE, THE EXPRESSION

SIR, EXCUSE ME. IN EUROPE, THE EXPRESSION "BLACKJACK" MEANS "HIT ME,"

IN EUROPE, THE EXPRESSION "BLACKJACK" MEANS "HIT ME," "GIVE ME ANOTHER CARD."

"BLACKJACK" MEANS "HIT ME," "GIVE ME ANOTHER CARD." BLACKJACK.

"GIVE ME ANOTHER CARD." BLACKJACK. ONCE AGAIN, MR. DIARGA IS

BLACKJACK. ONCE AGAIN, MR. DIARGA IS DEEPLY ASHAMED AND HUMBLED BY

ONCE AGAIN, MR. DIARGA IS DEEPLY ASHAMED AND HUMBLED BY MISUNDERSTANDING THE NEW ORLEANS

DEEPLY ASHAMED AND HUMBLED BY MISUNDERSTANDING THE NEW ORLEANS BLACKJACK RULES.

MISUNDERSTANDING THE NEW ORLEANS BLACKJACK RULES. WELL, I'M SURE IT WAS A

BLACKJACK RULES. WELL, I'M SURE IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING WITH HONOR.

WELL, I'M SURE IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING WITH HONOR. WITH HONOR.

MISUNDERSTANDING WITH HONOR. WITH HONOR. CALL IT AN HONOR.

WITH HONOR. CALL IT AN HONOR. WITH HONOR, SIR.

CALL IT AN HONOR. WITH HONOR, SIR. WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL AND,

WITH HONOR, SIR. WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL AND, UH, YOU CAN JUST GIVE ME BACK MY

WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL AND, UH, YOU CAN JUST GIVE ME BACK MY STAKE THERE IF YOU WOULD,

UH, YOU CAN JUST GIVE ME BACK MY STAKE THERE IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE.

STAKE THERE IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE. PLEASE, PARDON ME, PLEASE.

PLEASE. PLEASE, PARDON ME, PLEASE. SIR, MR. RUSSO...

PLEASE, PARDON ME, PLEASE. SIR, MR. RUSSO... [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

SIR, MR. RUSSO... [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] PLEASE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] PLEASE. THE COUNT DIARGA SAYS THAT

PLEASE. THE COUNT DIARGA SAYS THAT YOU ARE THE MOST ACCOMMODATING

THE COUNT DIARGA SAYS THAT YOU ARE THE MOST ACCOMMODATING AND HOSPITABLE GENTLEMAN THE

YOU ARE THE MOST ACCOMMODATING AND HOSPITABLE GENTLEMAN THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, SIR, AND

AND HOSPITABLE GENTLEMAN THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, SIR, AND THAT IT WOULD BE THE GRAVEST

WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, SIR, AND THAT IT WOULD BE THE GRAVEST INSULT FOR YOU TO TAKE ANY MONEY

THAT IT WOULD BE THE GRAVEST INSULT FOR YOU TO TAKE ANY MONEY BACK FROM HIM.

INSULT FOR YOU TO TAKE ANY MONEY BACK FROM HIM. UH, WELL, FINE.

BACK FROM HIM. UH, WELL, FINE. THAT'S DONE WITH HONOR... DONE

UH, WELL, FINE. THAT'S DONE WITH HONOR... DONE WITH HONOR.

THAT'S DONE WITH HONOR... DONE WITH HONOR. HE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER DRINK,

WITH HONOR. HE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER DRINK, AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE A VERY

HE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER DRINK, AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE A VERY HANDSOME FELLOW AND HE'D LIKE

AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE A VERY HANDSOME FELLOW AND HE'D LIKE TO MEET YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY.

HANDSOME FELLOW AND HE'D LIKE TO MEET YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY. WELL, I DON'T HAVE A WIFE.

TO MEET YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY. WELL, I DON'T HAVE A WIFE. MY WIFE IS LONG SINCE DEAD.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE A WIFE. MY WIFE IS LONG SINCE DEAD. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MY WIFE IS LONG SINCE DEAD. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] IN THAT CASE, HE NO LONGER

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] IN THAT CASE, HE NO LONGER WISHES TO MEET YOUR WIFE, AND HE

IN THAT CASE, HE NO LONGER WISHES TO MEET YOUR WIFE, AND HE PUBLICLY MOURNS HER, WHICH IS A

WISHES TO MEET YOUR WIFE, AND HE PUBLICLY MOURNS HER, WHICH IS A GREAT CUSTOM IN EUROPE.

PUBLICLY MOURNS HER, WHICH IS A GREAT CUSTOM IN EUROPE. AND PRIVATELY, WE FEEL THAT WE

GREAT CUSTOM IN EUROPE. AND PRIVATELY, WE FEEL THAT WE SHOULD RETURN TO THE HOTEL AND

AND PRIVATELY, WE FEEL THAT WE SHOULD RETURN TO THE HOTEL AND MOURN PRIVATELY, YES.

SHOULD RETURN TO THE HOTEL AND MOURN PRIVATELY, YES. I AM INDEED IMPRESSED BY YOUR

MOURN PRIVATELY, YES. I AM INDEED IMPRESSED BY YOUR GALLANTRY AND HONOR, MOURNING MY

I AM INDEED IMPRESSED BY YOUR GALLANTRY AND HONOR, MOURNING MY WIFE.

GALLANTRY AND HONOR, MOURNING MY WIFE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT

WIFE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN TO THE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN TO THE DOOR, PLEASE.

SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN TO THE DOOR, PLEASE. I'M TOUCHED BY THIS SHOW OF

DOOR, PLEASE. I'M TOUCHED BY THIS SHOW OF AFFECTION TO SOMEONE YOU DID NOT

I'M TOUCHED BY THIS SHOW OF AFFECTION TO SOMEONE YOU DID NOT KNOW.

AFFECTION TO SOMEONE YOU DID NOT KNOW. I-I'M VERY PLEASED.

KNOW. I-I'M VERY PLEASED. SIR, YOU ARE MOST HONORABLE,

I-I'M VERY PLEASED. SIR, YOU ARE MOST HONORABLE, AND IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO

SIR, YOU ARE MOST HONORABLE, AND IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO PLAY WITH YOU, SIR.

AND IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO PLAY WITH YOU, SIR. I TAKE THIS AS THE GREATEST

PLAY WITH YOU, SIR. I TAKE THIS AS THE GREATEST GESTURE OF HONOR... INDEED, A

I TAKE THIS AS THE GREATEST GESTURE OF HONOR... INDEED, A GESTURE OF HONOR.

GESTURE OF HONOR... INDEED, A GESTURE OF HONOR. SO LONG.

GESTURE OF HONOR. SO LONG. THANKS A LOT.

SO LONG. THANKS A LOT. MR. RUSSO, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THANKS A LOT. MR. RUSSO, DID YOU HEAR THAT? HE SPOKE ENGLISH.

MR. RUSSO, DID YOU HEAR THAT? HE SPOKE ENGLISH. YES, I KNOW.

HE SPOKE ENGLISH. YES, I KNOW. HE EVEN TOOK THE COURTESY TO

YES, I KNOW. HE EVEN TOOK THE COURTESY TO LEARN THE LANGUAGE.

GEE, BABS, YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING THE CAT JUST DRAGGED IN.

SOMETHING THE CAT JUST DRAGGED IN. I KNOW.

IN. I KNOW. I FEEL CRUMMY, BUT I JUST CAN'T

I KNOW. I FEEL CRUMMY, BUT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO PUT MY FINGER ON WHAT'S

I FEEL CRUMMY, BUT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO PUT MY FINGER ON WHAT'S WRONG.

SEEM TO PUT MY FINGER ON WHAT'S WRONG. THAT'S TOO BAD, BABS.

WRONG. THAT'S TOO BAD, BABS. HAS IT EVER DAWNED ON YOU THAT

THAT'S TOO BAD, BABS. HAS IT EVER DAWNED ON YOU THAT IT MAY BE YOUR UVULA?

HAS IT EVER DAWNED ON YOU THAT IT MAY BE YOUR UVULA? GEE, NO, SIS.

IT MAY BE YOUR UVULA? GEE, NO, SIS. I MUST HAVE STUPIDLY GLOSSED

GEE, NO, SIS. I MUST HAVE STUPIDLY GLOSSED RIGHT OVER MY UVULA.

I MUST HAVE STUPIDLY GLOSSED RIGHT OVER MY UVULA. I HAD A HUNCH YOU MIGHT HAVE.

RIGHT OVER MY UVULA. I HAD A HUNCH YOU MIGHT HAVE. THAT'S WHY I MADE AN APPOINTMENT

I HAD A HUNCH YOU MIGHT HAVE. THAT'S WHY I MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU WITH A TOP UVULA

THAT'S WHY I MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU WITH A TOP UVULA SPECIALIST...

FOR YOU WITH A TOP UVULA SPECIALIST... [DOORBELL RINGS]

SPECIALIST... [DOORBELL RINGS] WHO MAKES HOUSE CALLS.

[DOORBELL RINGS] WHO MAKES HOUSE CALLS. RIGHT NOW!

WHO MAKES HOUSE CALLS. RIGHT NOW! HELLO. I'M THE DOCTOR.

RIGHT NOW! HELLO. I'M THE DOCTOR. HI.

HELLO. I'M THE DOCTOR. HI. THAT MUST BE HIM.

HI. THAT MUST BE HIM. [COUGHS]

THAT MUST BE HIM. [COUGHS] I WON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH,

[COUGHS] I WON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH, BABS.

I WON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH, BABS. IS IT BAD?

BABS. IS IT BAD? IN A NUTSHELL, YOUR UVULA IS

IS IT BAD? IN A NUTSHELL, YOUR UVULA IS ON THE FRITZ...

IN A NUTSHELL, YOUR UVULA IS ON THE FRITZ... WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE

ON THE FRITZ... WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE.

WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE. KNOCK, KNOCK.

JOKE. KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE? BABS'S UVULA.

WHO'S THERE? BABS'S UVULA. BABS'S UVULA WHO?

BABS'S UVULA. BABS'S UVULA WHO? I DON'T KNOW, BABS.

BABS'S UVULA WHO? I DON'T KNOW, BABS. BUT I DO KNOW THIS.

I DON'T KNOW, BABS. BUT I DO KNOW THIS. YOU'VE REALLY LET YOUR UVULA GO

BUT I DO KNOW THIS. YOU'VE REALLY LET YOUR UVULA GO TO THE DOGS.

YOU'VE REALLY LET YOUR UVULA GO TO THE DOGS. YES, I HAVE.

TO THE DOGS. YES, I HAVE. I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS WITH

YES, I HAVE. I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU, SIS.

I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU, SIS. "TO BABS... IT'LL BEHOOVE YA TO

YOU, SIS. "TO BABS... IT'LL BEHOOVE YA TO CARE FOR YOUR UVULA!

"TO BABS... IT'LL BEHOOVE YA TO CARE FOR YOUR UVULA! LOVE, SIS."

CARE FOR YOUR UVULA! LOVE, SIS." BOY, DO I HEAR YA, SIS.

LOVE, SIS." BOY, DO I HEAR YA, SIS. FROM NOW ON, IT'S STRICTLY GOOD,

BOY, DO I HEAR YA, SIS. FROM NOW ON, IT'S STRICTLY GOOD, CLEAN FUN FOR ME AND MY UVULA!

FROM NOW ON, IT'S STRICTLY GOOD, CLEAN FUN FOR ME AND MY UVULA! THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE

CLEAN FUN FOR ME AND MY UVULA! THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE.

THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE. KNOCK, KNOCK.

JOKE. KNOCK, KNOCK. Announcer: WHO'S THERE?

THE PRECEDING DRAMATIZATION WAS

BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR NATIONAL

UVULA ASSOCIATION.

AND NOW IT IS MY HONOR... AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE... TO INTRODUCE TO YOU ALL AN ARTIST

HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE... TO INTRODUCE TO YOU ALL AN ARTIST LIKE LEON REDBONE.

INTRODUCE TO YOU ALL AN ARTIST LIKE LEON REDBONE. LEON REDBONE.

LIKE LEON REDBONE. LEON REDBONE. [APPLAUSE]

LEON REDBONE. [APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "SHINE ON,

[APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON" PLAYS]

♪ THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY DARK, SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO

SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO SHINE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO SHINE ♪ ♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING

SHINE ♪ ♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING 'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪

♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING 'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪ ♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪

'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪ ♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪ ♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID

♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪ ♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID OF DARKNESS ♪

♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID OF DARKNESS ♪ ♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK

OF DARKNESS ♪ ♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO" ♪

♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO" ♪ ♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪

I'LL GO" ♪ ♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪ ♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪

♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪ ♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE

♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE TALE OF WOE ♪

♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE TALE OF WOE ♪ ♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪

TALE OF WOE ♪ ♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON

♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON UP IN THE SKY ♪

♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON UP IN THE SKY ♪ ♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE

UP IN THE SKY ♪ ♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR

♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR JULY ♪

JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR JULY ♪ ♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME

JULY ♪ ♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪

♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,

TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON ♪

♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON ♪ ♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪

HARVEST MOON ♪ ♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪ [HUMMING]

♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪ [HUMMING] ♪ DO-DO DO DO ♪

[HUMMING] ♪ DO-DO DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO BA-DO-DO DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO BA-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ [HUMMING]

♪ DO DO BA-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ [HUMMING] ♪ OO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪

[HUMMING] ♪ OO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ BA-DA-DO ♪

♪ OO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ BA-DA-DO ♪ [HUMMING]

♪ BA-DA-DO ♪ [HUMMING] ♪ I SAID THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY

[HUMMING] ♪ I SAID THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY DARK, SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪

♪ I SAID THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY DARK, SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO

DARK, SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO SHINE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO SHINE ♪ ♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING

SHINE ♪ ♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING 'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪

♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING 'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪ ♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪

'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪ ♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪ ♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID

♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪ ♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID OF DARKNESS ♪

♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID OF DARKNESS ♪ ♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK

OF DARKNESS ♪ ♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO" ♪

♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO" ♪ ♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪

I'LL GO" ♪ ♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪ ♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪

♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪ ♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE

♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE TALE OF WOE ♪

♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE TALE OF WOE ♪ ♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪

TALE OF WOE ♪ ♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON

♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON UP IN THE SKY ♪

♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON UP IN THE SKY ♪ ♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE

UP IN THE SKY ♪ ♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR

♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR JULY ♪

JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR JULY ♪ ♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME

JULY ♪ ♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪

♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,

TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪ ♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON ♪

♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON ♪ ♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪

HARVEST MOON ♪ ♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪ [HUMMING]

Announcer: THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU IN LIVING COLOR ON NBC.

PROGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU IN LIVING COLOR ON NBC. [ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

LIVING COLOR ON NBC. [ELECTRONIC BEEPING] CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING] CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE. CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.

CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE. CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE. CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.

CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE. CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE. YES, MR. SPOCK?

CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE. YES, MR. SPOCK? CAPTAIN, SENSORS ARE PICKING

YES, MR. SPOCK? CAPTAIN, SENSORS ARE PICKING UP AN UNIDENTIFIED VESSEL HEADED

CAPTAIN, SENSORS ARE PICKING UP AN UNIDENTIFIED VESSEL HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARD US.

UP AN UNIDENTIFIED VESSEL HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARD US. RANGE, MR. SULU?

STRAIGHT TOWARD US. RANGE, MR. SULU? .04 LIGHT-YEARS, SIR, AND

RANGE, MR. SULU? .04 LIGHT-YEARS, SIR, AND CLOSING FAST.

.04 LIGHT-YEARS, SIR, AND CLOSING FAST. LIEUTENANT UHURA, OPEN A

CLOSING FAST. LIEUTENANT UHURA, OPEN A HAILING FREQUENCY.

LIEUTENANT UHURA, OPEN A HAILING FREQUENCY. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RAISE

HAILING FREQUENCY. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RAISE THEM, BUT THERE'S NO RESPONSE,

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RAISE THEM, BUT THERE'S NO RESPONSE, SIR.

THEM, BUT THERE'S NO RESPONSE, SIR. THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

SIR. THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE.

THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE. IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE. IDENTIFY YOURSELF. PUT THEM ON THE VIEW SCREEN,

IDENTIFY YOURSELF. PUT THEM ON THE VIEW SCREEN, FULL MAGNIFICATION.

PUT THEM ON THE VIEW SCREEN, FULL MAGNIFICATION. AYE, AYE, SIR.

FULL MAGNIFICATION. AYE, AYE, SIR. I REPEAT, IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

AYE, AYE, SIR. I REPEAT, IDENTIFY YOURSELF. WHAT KIND OF SHIP IS THAT,

I REPEAT, IDENTIFY YOURSELF. WHAT KIND OF SHIP IS THAT, SPOCK?

WHAT KIND OF SHIP IS THAT, SPOCK? FASCINATING, CAPTAIN.

SPOCK? FASCINATING, CAPTAIN. IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN EARLY

FASCINATING, CAPTAIN. IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN EARLY GAS-COMBUSTION VEHICLE, AT LEAST

IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN EARLY GAS-COMBUSTION VEHICLE, AT LEAST 200 OR 300 YEARS OLD.

GAS-COMBUSTION VEHICLE, AT LEAST 200 OR 300 YEARS OLD. RUN IT THROUGH THE

200 OR 300 YEARS OLD. RUN IT THROUGH THE COMPUTER.

RUN IT THROUGH THE COMPUTER. FIND OUT WHAT THOSE LITTLE

COMPUTER. FIND OUT WHAT THOSE LITTLE NUMBERS MEAN.

FIND OUT WHAT THOSE LITTLE NUMBERS MEAN. I WANT ANSWERS.

NUMBERS MEAN. I WANT ANSWERS. PROCESS VISUAL FEED.

I WANT ANSWERS. PROCESS VISUAL FEED. ANALYZE AND REPLY.

PROCESS VISUAL FEED. ANALYZE AND REPLY. I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK,

ANALYZE AND REPLY. I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE A

I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE A MENACE MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE

THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE A MENACE MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FLYING PARASITES OF INGRAHAM B,

MENACE MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FLYING PARASITES OF INGRAHAM B, MORE INSIDIOUS...

FLYING PARASITES OF INGRAHAM B, MORE INSIDIOUS... MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THE

MORE INSIDIOUS... MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THE SAND BATS OF MANARK 4...

MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THE SAND BATS OF MANARK 4... MORE BLOODTHIRSTY THAN THE

SAND BATS OF MANARK 4... MORE BLOODTHIRSTY THAN THE VAMPIRE CLOUDS OF ARGUS 10.

MORE BLOODTHIRSTY THAN THE VAMPIRE CLOUDS OF ARGUS 10. I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT

VAMPIRE CLOUDS OF ARGUS 10. I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE SOMETHING

I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE SOMETHING DEADLIER THAN THE ROMULANS, THE

WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE SOMETHING DEADLIER THAN THE ROMULANS, THE KLINGONS, AND THE GORNS ALL

DEADLIER THAN THE ROMULANS, THE KLINGONS, AND THE GORNS ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.

KLINGONS, AND THE GORNS ALL ROLLED INTO ONE. HERE IS THE READOUT, CAPTAIN.

ROLLED INTO ONE. HERE IS THE READOUT, CAPTAIN. THE COMPUTER HAS IDENTIFIED THE

HERE IS THE READOUT, CAPTAIN. THE COMPUTER HAS IDENTIFIED THE ALIEN VESSEL AS A 1968 CHRYSLER

THE COMPUTER HAS IDENTIFIED THE ALIEN VESSEL AS A 1968 CHRYSLER IMPERIAL WITH A TINTED

ALIEN VESSEL AS A 1968 CHRYSLER IMPERIAL WITH A TINTED WINDSHIELD AND RETRACTABLE

IMPERIAL WITH A TINTED WINDSHIELD AND RETRACTABLE HEADLIGHTS.

WINDSHIELD AND RETRACTABLE HEADLIGHTS. AND THE LITTLE BLUE AND

HEADLIGHTS. AND THE LITTLE BLUE AND ORANGE NUMBERS?

AND THE LITTLE BLUE AND ORANGE NUMBERS? THAT'S CALLED A "CALIFORNIA

ORANGE NUMBERS? THAT'S CALLED A "CALIFORNIA LICENSE PLATE", AND IT'S

THAT'S CALLED A "CALIFORNIA LICENSE PLATE", AND IT'S REGISTERED, OR WAS IN 1968,

LICENSE PLATE", AND IT'S REGISTERED, OR WAS IN 1968, TO A CORPORATION KNOWN AS "NBC."

REGISTERED, OR WAS IN 1968, TO A CORPORATION KNOWN AS "NBC." WAIT A MINUTE.

TO A CORPORATION KNOWN AS "NBC." WAIT A MINUTE. THERE'S SOMETHING MORE.

WAIT A MINUTE. THERE'S SOMETHING MORE. THE COMPUTER ISN'T SURE, BUT IT

THERE'S SOMETHING MORE. THE COMPUTER ISN'T SURE, BUT IT THINKS THIS NBC USED TO

THE COMPUTER ISN'T SURE, BUT IT THINKS THIS NBC USED TO MANUFACTURE COOKIES.

THINKS THIS NBC USED TO MANUFACTURE COOKIES. COULD THAT... COULD THAT BE

MANUFACTURE COOKIES. COULD THAT... COULD THAT BE SOME SORT OF ILLUSION,

COULD THAT... COULD THAT BE SOME SORT OF ILLUSION, MR. SPOCK?

SOME SORT OF ILLUSION, MR. SPOCK? IT'S NO ILLUSION, CAPTAIN.

MR. SPOCK? IT'S NO ILLUSION, CAPTAIN. SCANNER READINGS INDICATE TWO

IT'S NO ILLUSION, CAPTAIN. SCANNER READINGS INDICATE TWO LIFE FORMS INSIDE THIS CRAFT.

SCANNER READINGS INDICATE TWO LIFE FORMS INSIDE THIS CRAFT. MR. SULU, INCREASE SPEED TO

LIFE FORMS INSIDE THIS CRAFT. MR. SULU, INCREASE SPEED TO WARP FACTOR EIGHT.

MR. SULU, INCREASE SPEED TO WARP FACTOR EIGHT. BUT, SIR, THAT'S ONLY FOR THE

WARP FACTOR EIGHT. BUT, SIR, THAT'S ONLY FOR THE MOST EXTREME EMERGENCIES.

BUT, SIR, THAT'S ONLY FOR THE MOST EXTREME EMERGENCIES. THE SHIP CAN'T TAKE IT.

MOST EXTREME EMERGENCIES. THE SHIP CAN'T TAKE IT. YOU HEARD MY ORDER, MR. SULU.

THE SHIP CAN'T TAKE IT. YOU HEARD MY ORDER, MR. SULU. AYE, AYE, SIR.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 3615.6... ON A ROUTINE DELIVERY OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES TO EARTH

3615.6... ON A ROUTINE DELIVERY OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES TO EARTH COLONY 9, WE ARE BEING CHASED

OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES TO EARTH COLONY 9, WE ARE BEING CHASED THROUGH SPACE BY AN AUTOMOBILE

COLONY 9, WE ARE BEING CHASED THROUGH SPACE BY AN AUTOMOBILE THREE CENTURIES OLD, OWNED BY A

THROUGH SPACE BY AN AUTOMOBILE THREE CENTURIES OLD, OWNED BY A COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURED

THREE CENTURIES OLD, OWNED BY A COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURED COOKIES.

COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURED COOKIES. IT WOULD ALL SEEM SILLY

COOKIES. IT WOULD ALL SEEM SILLY IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS FEELING

IT WOULD ALL SEEM SILLY IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS FEELING OF DREAD THAT HAUNTS ME, THIS

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS FEELING OF DREAD THAT HAUNTS ME, THIS SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM.

OF DREAD THAT HAUNTS ME, THIS SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM. THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US,

SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM. THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US, CAPTAIN.

THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US, CAPTAIN. LET'S LOSE THEM, MR. SULU.

CAPTAIN. LET'S LOSE THEM, MR. SULU. PREPARE FOR EVASIVE ACTION.

LET'S LOSE THEM, MR. SULU. PREPARE FOR EVASIVE ACTION. HELM HARD TO PORT!

PREPARE FOR EVASIVE ACTION. HELM HARD TO PORT! HARD TO STARBOARD!

HELM HARD TO PORT! HARD TO STARBOARD! HARD TO PORT!

HARD TO STARBOARD! HARD TO PORT! FRANKLY, CAPTAIN, I'M

HARD TO PORT! FRANKLY, CAPTAIN, I'M EXHAUSTED.

FRANKLY, CAPTAIN, I'M EXHAUSTED. ME TOO.

EXHAUSTED. ME TOO. STABILIZE, MR. SULU.

ME TOO. STABILIZE, MR. SULU. LOOK, CAPTAIN, IT'S NO USE.

STABILIZE, MR. SULU. LOOK, CAPTAIN, IT'S NO USE. WE CAN'T SHAKE THEM.

LOOK, CAPTAIN, IT'S NO USE. WE CAN'T SHAKE THEM. THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM A FIGHT

WE CAN'T SHAKE THEM. THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM A FIGHT THEY WON'T FORGET.

THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM A FIGHT THEY WON'T FORGET. ALL HANDS, MAN YOUR BATTLE

THEY WON'T FORGET. ALL HANDS, MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS.

ALL HANDS, MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

STATIONS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. RED ALERT!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. RED ALERT! MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!

RED ALERT! MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS! RED ALERT!

MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS! RED ALERT! [BUZZER RINGS]

RED ALERT! [BUZZER RINGS] PHASERS LOCKED ON TARGET,

[BUZZER RINGS] PHASERS LOCKED ON TARGET, SIR.

PHASERS LOCKED ON TARGET, SIR. CAPTAIN, YOU CAN'T.

SIR. CAPTAIN, YOU CAN'T. STAND BY TO FIRE.

CAPTAIN, YOU CAN'T. STAND BY TO FIRE. PHASERS STANDING BY, SIR.

STAND BY TO FIRE. PHASERS STANDING BY, SIR. WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE ALIENS

PHASERS STANDING BY, SIR. WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE ALIENS ARE OR WHAT THEY WANT.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE ALIENS ARE OR WHAT THEY WANT. TO KILL THEM WITHOUT ANYTHING

ARE OR WHAT THEY WANT. TO KILL THEM WITHOUT ANYTHING WOULD BE ILLOGICAL.

TO KILL THEM WITHOUT ANYTHING WOULD BE ILLOGICAL. FACT, MR. SPOCK.

WOULD BE ILLOGICAL. FACT, MR. SPOCK. WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR INTENTIONS.

FACT, MR. SPOCK. WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR INTENTIONS. FACT... I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR INTENTIONS. FACT... I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN.

FACT... I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN. AND FACT... I CAN'T TAKE ANY

LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN. AND FACT... I CAN'T TAKE ANY CHANCES.

AND FACT... I CAN'T TAKE ANY CHANCES. FIRE MAIN PHASERS!

CHANCES. FIRE MAIN PHASERS! I SAID, "FIRE MAIN PHASERS!"

FIRE MAIN PHASERS! I SAID, "FIRE MAIN PHASERS!" I'M TRYING, SIR.

I SAID, "FIRE MAIN PHASERS!" I'M TRYING, SIR. NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

I'M TRYING, SIR. NOTHING IS HAPPENING. LOCK AND ARM PHOTON

NOTHING IS HAPPENING. LOCK AND ARM PHOTON TORPEDOES, MR. SULU.

LOCK AND ARM PHOTON TORPEDOES, MR. SULU. THEY'RE NOT WORKING EITHER,

TORPEDOES, MR. SULU. THEY'RE NOT WORKING EITHER, CAPTAIN.

THEY'RE NOT WORKING EITHER, CAPTAIN. DEFLECTORS UP.

CAPTAIN. DEFLECTORS UP. CAPTAIN, THE HELM DOES NOT

DEFLECTORS UP. CAPTAIN, THE HELM DOES NOT RESPOND.

CAPTAIN, THE HELM DOES NOT RESPOND. THE CONTROLS ARE DEAD.

RESPOND. THE CONTROLS ARE DEAD. WE'RE SLOWING DOWN, CAPTAIN.

THE CONTROLS ARE DEAD. WE'RE SLOWING DOWN, CAPTAIN. WE'RE STOPPING.

WE'RE SLOWING DOWN, CAPTAIN. WE'RE STOPPING. [ELECTRONIC BEEP]

WE'RE STOPPING. [ELECTRONIC BEEP] BRIDGE TO ENGINE ROOM.

[ELECTRONIC BEEP] BRIDGE TO ENGINE ROOM. ACKNOWLEDGE.

BRIDGE TO ENGINE ROOM. ACKNOWLEDGE. [Scottish accent] SCOTTY

ACKNOWLEDGE. [Scottish accent] SCOTTY HERE, CAPTAIN.

[Scottish accent] SCOTTY HERE, CAPTAIN. WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON,

HERE, CAPTAIN. WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON, SCOTTY?

WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON, SCOTTY? I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN.

SCOTTY? I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN. WE'RE LOSING POWER, AND I DON'T

I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN. WE'RE LOSING POWER, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WE'RE LOSING POWER, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. WELL, DO SOMETHING, MAN!

KNOW WHY. WELL, DO SOMETHING, MAN! GO TO MANUAL OVERDRIVE.

WELL, DO SOMETHING, MAN! GO TO MANUAL OVERDRIVE. CUT TO AUXILIARY SYSTEMS.

GO TO MANUAL OVERDRIVE. CUT TO AUXILIARY SYSTEMS. SAINTS PRESERVE US, CAPTAIN,

CUT TO AUXILIARY SYSTEMS. SAINTS PRESERVE US, CAPTAIN, BUT EVEN THE EMERGENCY SYSTEMS

SAINTS PRESERVE US, CAPTAIN, BUT EVEN THE EMERGENCY SYSTEMS ARE OUT.

BUT EVEN THE EMERGENCY SYSTEMS ARE OUT. WELL, FIX IT, SCOTTY.

ARE OUT. WELL, FIX IT, SCOTTY. I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT FIX IT!

WELL, FIX IT, SCOTTY. I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT FIX IT! THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN

I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT FIX IT! THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN STAND IN THE BALANCE.

THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN STAND IN THE BALANCE. KIRK OUT.

STAND IN THE BALANCE. KIRK OUT. LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE

KIRK OUT. LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE STILL OPERATIVE, CAPTAIN.

LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE STILL OPERATIVE, CAPTAIN. BUT FOR HOW LONG, MR. SPOCK?

STILL OPERATIVE, CAPTAIN. BUT FOR HOW LONG, MR. SPOCK? FOR HOW LONG?

BUT FOR HOW LONG, MR. SPOCK? FOR HOW LONG? LIEUTENANT UHURA, INFORM

FOR HOW LONG? LIEUTENANT UHURA, INFORM STARFLEET OF OUR SITUATION.

LIEUTENANT UHURA, INFORM STARFLEET OF OUR SITUATION. ALL COMMUNICATIONS ARE DEAD,

STARFLEET OF OUR SITUATION. ALL COMMUNICATIONS ARE DEAD, CAPTAIN.

ALL COMMUNICATIONS ARE DEAD, CAPTAIN. WELL, KEEP TRYING.

CAPTAIN. WELL, KEEP TRYING. JIM, I-I...

WELL, KEEP TRYING. JIM, I-I... JIM, I...

JIM, I-I... JIM, I... SPIT IT OUT, MAN.

JIM, I... SPIT IT OUT, MAN. JIM... THE ALIENS, JIM.

SPIT IT OUT, MAN. JIM... THE ALIENS, JIM. THEY BOARDED THE SHIP.

JIM... THE ALIENS, JIM. THEY BOARDED THE SHIP. THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.

THEY BOARDED THE SHIP. THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY. BUT... BUT HOW? HOW?

THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY. BUT... BUT HOW? HOW? DID THEY BEAM ON BOARD?

BUT... BUT HOW? HOW? DID THEY BEAM ON BOARD? DID THEY SUDDENLY MATERIALIZE?

DID THEY BEAM ON BOARD? DID THEY SUDDENLY MATERIALIZE? HOW DID THEY GET HERE?

DID THEY SUDDENLY MATERIALIZE? HOW DID THEY GET HERE? THEY JUST OF STEPPED OUT FROM

HOW DID THEY GET HERE? THEY JUST OF STEPPED OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAINS.

THEY JUST OF STEPPED OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAINS. DESCRIBE THEM, DOCTOR.

BEHIND THE CURTAINS. DESCRIBE THEM, DOCTOR. WELL, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM,

DESCRIBE THEM, DOCTOR. WELL, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM, HUMANOID IN APPEARANCE.

WELL, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM, HUMANOID IN APPEARANCE. THEY'RE BIPEDS.

HUMANOID IN APPEARANCE. THEY'RE BIPEDS. THEY HAVE SORT OF DRAB CLOTHING,

THEY'RE BIPEDS. THEY HAVE SORT OF DRAB CLOTHING, EXCEPT THAT AROUND THE NECK OF

THEY HAVE SORT OF DRAB CLOTHING, EXCEPT THAT AROUND THE NECK OF THE LEADER IS A BRIGHTLY COLORED

EXCEPT THAT AROUND THE NECK OF THE LEADER IS A BRIGHTLY COLORED PIECE OF CLOTH.

THE LEADER IS A BRIGHTLY COLORED PIECE OF CLOTH. WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE ODD

PIECE OF CLOTH. WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE ODD ABOUT THEIR CLOTHING?

WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE ODD ABOUT THEIR CLOTHING? I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR,

ABOUT THEIR CLOTHING? I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR, DAMN IT.

I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR, DAMN IT. I DON'T KNOW.

DAMN IT. I DON'T KNOW. BUT, YES, THERE WAS SOMETHING

I DON'T KNOW. BUT, YES, THERE WAS SOMETHING STRANGE, LIKE THEY SPOKE

BUT, YES, THERE WAS SOMETHING STRANGE, LIKE THEY SPOKE ENGLISH.

STRANGE, LIKE THEY SPOKE ENGLISH. THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, JIM.

ENGLISH. THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, JIM. THEY'LL BE HERE IN SECONDS!

THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, JIM. THEY'LL BE HERE IN SECONDS! I CAN HEAR THEM COMING UP THE

THEY'LL BE HERE IN SECONDS! I CAN HEAR THEM COMING UP THE TURBOLIFT.

I CAN HEAR THEM COMING UP THE TURBOLIFT. WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

TURBOLIFT. WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. WE'LL BE READY FOR THEM.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. WE'LL BE READY FOR THEM. I'M CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

WE'LL BE READY FOR THEM. I'M CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK WITH THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE,

I'M CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK WITH THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, REPRESENTING THE UNITED

WITH THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, REPRESENTING THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS.

REPRESENTING THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS. HI, I'M HERB GOODMAN, HEAD OF

FEDERATION OF PLANETS. HI, I'M HERB GOODMAN, HEAD OF PROGRAMMING FOR THE NETWORK.

HI, I'M HERB GOODMAN, HEAD OF PROGRAMMING FOR THE NETWORK. STAND BACK.

PROGRAMMING FOR THE NETWORK. STAND BACK. I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT.

STAND BACK. I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT. CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,

I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT. CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? PLEASE, I NEED SOME ATTENTION.

PLEASE? PLEASE, I NEED SOME ATTENTION. CURTIS, WILL YOU TURN THE SOUND

PLEASE, I NEED SOME ATTENTION. CURTIS, WILL YOU TURN THE SOUND EFFECTS DOWN?

CURTIS, WILL YOU TURN THE SOUND EFFECTS DOWN? I'D LIKE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION,

EFFECTS DOWN? I'D LIKE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION, PLEASE.

I'D LIKE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION, PLEASE. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

PLEASE. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE. [SOUND EFFECTS FADE]

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE. [SOUND EFFECTS FADE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[SOUND EFFECTS FADE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DUE TO THE LOW NIELSEN RATINGS,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DUE TO THE LOW NIELSEN RATINGS, WE AT NBC HAVE DECIDED TO,

DUE TO THE LOW NIELSEN RATINGS, WE AT NBC HAVE DECIDED TO, UNFORTUNATELY, CANCEL

WE AT NBC HAVE DECIDED TO, UNFORTUNATELY, CANCEL "STAR TREK."

UNFORTUNATELY, CANCEL "STAR TREK." FIRE AT MY COMMAND!

"STAR TREK." FIRE AT MY COMMAND! ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU CAN PASS

FIRE AT MY COMMAND! ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU CAN PASS THE CASHIER'S DESK AND PICK UP

ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU CAN PASS THE CASHIER'S DESK AND PICK UP YOUR CHECKS.

THE CASHIER'S DESK AND PICK UP YOUR CHECKS. SET PHASERS TO "STUN."

YOUR CHECKS. SET PHASERS TO "STUN." FIRE!

SET PHASERS TO "STUN." FIRE! NOTHING'S HAPPENING, JIM.

FIRE! NOTHING'S HAPPENING, JIM. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

NOTHING'S HAPPENING, JIM. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. DO ME A FAVOR AND RETURN

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. DO ME A FAVOR AND RETURN THESE THINGS TO THE PROPERTY

DO ME A FAVOR AND RETURN THESE THINGS TO THE PROPERTY DEPARTMENT, OKAY?

THESE THINGS TO THE PROPERTY DEPARTMENT, OKAY? TRY "KILL."

DEPARTMENT, OKAY? TRY "KILL." THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING,

TRY "KILL." THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING, JIM.

THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING, JIM. THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING.

JIM. THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING. MOST PECULIAR, CAPTAIN.

THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING. MOST PECULIAR, CAPTAIN. I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THEY

MOST PECULIAR, CAPTAIN. I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THEY POSSESS SOME SORT OF WEAPONS

I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THEY POSSESS SOME SORT OF WEAPONS DEACTIVATOR, IN WHICH CASE I

POSSESS SOME SORT OF WEAPONS DEACTIVATOR, IN WHICH CASE I SHALL MERELY RENDER HIM

DEACTIVATOR, IN WHICH CASE I SHALL MERELY RENDER HIM UNCONSCIOUS WITH MY FAMOUS

SHALL MERELY RENDER HIM UNCONSCIOUS WITH MY FAMOUS VULCAN NERVE PINCH.

UNCONSCIOUS WITH MY FAMOUS VULCAN NERVE PINCH. OF COURSE, IF IT WAS UP TO

VULCAN NERVE PINCH. OF COURSE, IF IT WAS UP TO ME, YOU COULD KEEP THEM, GIVE

OF COURSE, IF IT WAS UP TO ME, YOU COULD KEEP THEM, GIVE THEM AWAY AS SOUVENIRS TO THE

ME, YOU COULD KEEP THEM, GIVE THEM AWAY AS SOUVENIRS TO THE KIDS, WHATEVER.

THEM AWAY AS SOUVENIRS TO THE KIDS, WHATEVER. BUT WE'RE PLANNING TO MARKET A

KIDS, WHATEVER. BUT WE'RE PLANNING TO MARKET A COMPLETE LINE FOR MERCHANDISING,

BUT WE'RE PLANNING TO MARKET A COMPLETE LINE FOR MERCHANDISING, AND... OH, THAT'S, UH... WE NEED

COMPLETE LINE FOR MERCHANDISING, AND... OH, THAT'S, UH... WE NEED TO SEND THEM TO TAIWAN TO BE

AND... OH, THAT'S, UH... WE NEED TO SEND THEM TO TAIWAN TO BE COPIED.

TO SEND THEM TO TAIWAN TO BE COPIED. IT'S NICE MATERIAL, ISN'T IT?

COPIED. IT'S NICE MATERIAL, ISN'T IT? YES, NIMOY, I'M SORRY.

IT'S NICE MATERIAL, ISN'T IT? YES, NIMOY, I'M SORRY. WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR EARS

YES, NIMOY, I'M SORRY. WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR EARS BACK, TOO.

WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR EARS BACK, TOO. FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN.

BACK, TOO. FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN. WE'RE ON A FIVE-YEAR MISSION TO

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN. WE'RE ON A FIVE-YEAR MISSION TO EXPLORE SPACE.

WE'RE ON A FIVE-YEAR MISSION TO EXPLORE SPACE. WE'VE ONLY BEEN OUT HERE FOR

EXPLORE SPACE. WE'VE ONLY BEEN OUT HERE FOR THREE YEARS!

WE'VE ONLY BEEN OUT HERE FOR THREE YEARS! I'M SORRY.

THREE YEARS! I'M SORRY. IT'S THE NIELSENS.

I'M SORRY. IT'S THE NIELSENS. IF IT WAS UP TO ME... MY KIDS

IT'S THE NIELSENS. IF IT WAS UP TO ME... MY KIDS LIKE IT.

IF IT WAS UP TO ME... MY KIDS LIKE IT. WAIT.

LIKE IT. WAIT. WHAT... WHAT ARE THOSE NIELSENS

WAIT. WHAT... WHAT ARE THOSE NIELSENS THE ALIEN KEEPS TALKING ABOUT,

WHAT... WHAT ARE THOSE NIELSENS THE ALIEN KEEPS TALKING ABOUT, MR. SPOCK?

THE ALIEN KEEPS TALKING ABOUT, MR. SPOCK? IF I REMEMBER MY HISTORY

MR. SPOCK? IF I REMEMBER MY HISTORY CORRECTLY, CAPTAIN, NIELSENS

IF I REMEMBER MY HISTORY CORRECTLY, CAPTAIN, NIELSENS WERE A PRIMITIVE SYSTEM OF

CORRECTLY, CAPTAIN, NIELSENS WERE A PRIMITIVE SYSTEM OF ESTIMATING TELEVISION VIEWERS

WERE A PRIMITIVE SYSTEM OF ESTIMATING TELEVISION VIEWERS ONCE USED IN THE MID-20th

ESTIMATING TELEVISION VIEWERS ONCE USED IN THE MID-20th CENTURY.

ONCE USED IN THE MID-20th CENTURY. IF MAN WERE MEANT TO FLY,

CENTURY. IF MAN WERE MEANT TO FLY, HE'D HAVE BETTER RATINGS.

IF MAN WERE MEANT TO FLY, HE'D HAVE BETTER RATINGS. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

HE'D HAVE BETTER RATINGS. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, MR. GOODBODY?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, MR. GOODBODY? I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

MR. GOODBODY? I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS. GEORGE, NICHELLE, LET'S GO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS. GEORGE, NICHELLE, LET'S GO. I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON.

GEORGE, NICHELLE, LET'S GO. I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON. I'M WITH YOU, KELLEY.

I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON. I'M WITH YOU, KELLEY. I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME.

I'M WITH YOU, KELLEY. I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME. BELAY THAT KIND OF TALK,

I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME. BELAY THAT KIND OF TALK, DR. McCOY.

BELAY THAT KIND OF TALK, DR. McCOY. BILL, FORGET IT.

DR. McCOY. BILL, FORGET IT. IT'S LOST.

BILL, FORGET IT. IT'S LOST. IT'S ALL OVER.

IT'S LOST. IT'S ALL OVER. LEONARD, YOU COMING?

IT'S ALL OVER. LEONARD, YOU COMING? LAY OFF, JOKER.

LEONARD, YOU COMING? LAY OFF, JOKER. WAIT A MINUTE.

LAY OFF, JOKER. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. MR. SPOCK, WE HAVE YET TO TRY

WAIT A MINUTE. MR. SPOCK, WE HAVE YET TO TRY THE VULCAN MIND MELD, WHERE YOU

MR. SPOCK, WE HAVE YET TO TRY THE VULCAN MIND MELD, WHERE YOU ACTUALLY ENTER THE ALIEN'S

THE VULCAN MIND MELD, WHERE YOU ACTUALLY ENTER THE ALIEN'S MIND, MELD WITH HIS

ACTUALLY ENTER THE ALIEN'S MIND, MELD WITH HIS INTELLIGENCE, AND READ HIS

MIND, MELD WITH HIS INTELLIGENCE, AND READ HIS THOUGHTS.

INTELLIGENCE, AND READ HIS THOUGHTS. I ENTERED MR. GOODMAN'S MIND

THOUGHTS. I ENTERED MR. GOODMAN'S MIND WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO

I ENTERED MR. GOODMAN'S MIND WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO DR. McCOY, CAPTAIN, AND IT WAS

WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO DR. McCOY, CAPTAIN, AND IT WAS ALL... ALL DARK AND EMPTY IN

DR. McCOY, CAPTAIN, AND IT WAS ALL... ALL DARK AND EMPTY IN THERE, AND THERE WERE LITTLE

ALL... ALL DARK AND EMPTY IN THERE, AND THERE WERE LITTLE MICE IN THE CORNERS.

THERE, AND THERE WERE LITTLE MICE IN THE CORNERS. SPOCK!

MICE IN THE CORNERS. SPOCK! I KEPT BUMPING MY HEAD ON THE

SPOCK! I KEPT BUMPING MY HEAD ON THE CEILING.

I KEPT BUMPING MY HEAD ON THE CEILING. SPOCK!

CEILING. SPOCK! I'M ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

SPOCK! I'M ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN. ALL RIGHT.

I'M ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN. ALL RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK, CURTIS?

ALL RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK, CURTIS? YOU THINK WE CAN SELL ANY OF

WHAT DO YOU THINK, CURTIS? YOU THINK WE CAN SELL ANY OF THIS JUNK TO "LOST IN SPACE"?

YOU THINK WE CAN SELL ANY OF THIS JUNK TO "LOST IN SPACE"? WELL, MAN, IT ALL COMES

THIS JUNK TO "LOST IN SPACE"? WELL, MAN, IT ALL COMES APART.

WELL, MAN, IT ALL COMES APART. HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE.

APART. HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE. RIGHT ON, BUCK ROGERS.

HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE. RIGHT ON, BUCK ROGERS. IS THAT AN ORDER, BABY?

RIGHT ON, BUCK ROGERS. IS THAT AN ORDER, BABY? NO.

IS THAT AN ORDER, BABY? NO. OKAY, BOYS, LET'S GO AND

NO. OKAY, BOYS, LET'S GO AND BREAK IT ON UP.

OKAY, BOYS, LET'S GO AND BREAK IT ON UP. NO.

BREAK IT ON UP. NO. IT CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS!

NO. IT CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS! NO, I'M THE COMMANDER OF THIS

IT CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS! NO, I'M THE COMMANDER OF THIS SHIP.

NO, I'M THE COMMANDER OF THIS SHIP. I GIVE THE ORDERS AROUND HERE.

SHIP. I GIVE THE ORDERS AROUND HERE. IT IS MY SHIP.

I GIVE THE ORDERS AROUND HERE. IT IS MY SHIP. I GIVE THE COMMANDS.

IT IS MY SHIP. I GIVE THE COMMANDS. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES

I GIVE THE COMMANDS. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN, AND I WILL NOT

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN, AND I WILL NOT LET THEM DOWN.

OF 430 CREWMEN, AND I WILL NOT LET THEM DOWN. THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT.

LET THEM DOWN. THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT. YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE

THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT. YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE EMOTIONAL, CAPTAIN.

YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE EMOTIONAL, CAPTAIN. NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY TRAINED

EMOTIONAL, CAPTAIN. NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY TRAINED VULCAN MIND FINDS SUCH OPEN

NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY TRAINED VULCAN MIND FINDS SUCH OPEN DISPLAYS OF EMOTION DISTASTEFUL.

VULCAN MIND FINDS SUCH OPEN DISPLAYS OF EMOTION DISTASTEFUL. EMOTION, YOU SEE, INTERFERES

DISPLAYS OF EMOTION DISTASTEFUL. EMOTION, YOU SEE, INTERFERES WITH LOGIC.

EMOTION, YOU SEE, INTERFERES WITH LOGIC. IT IS ONLY BY DEALING WITH

WITH LOGIC. IT IS ONLY BY DEALING WITH PROBLEMS IN A LOGICAL,

IT IS ONLY BY DEALING WITH PROBLEMS IN A LOGICAL, SCIENTIFIC FASHION THAT WE CAN

PROBLEMS IN A LOGICAL, SCIENTIFIC FASHION THAT WE CAN ARRIVE AT VALID SOLUTIONS.

SCIENTIFIC FASHION THAT WE CAN ARRIVE AT VALID SOLUTIONS. NOW, WITH REGARD TO THE ALIEN

ARRIVE AT VALID SOLUTIONS. NOW, WITH REGARD TO THE ALIEN TAKEOVER OF THE ENTERPRISE, I

NOW, WITH REGARD TO THE ALIEN TAKEOVER OF THE ENTERPRISE, I WOULD SUGGEST THAT WE SEEK SOME

TAKEOVER OF THE ENTERPRISE, I WOULD SUGGEST THAT WE SEEK SOME NEW ALTERNATIVE, BASED ON SOME

WOULD SUGGEST THAT WE SEEK SOME NEW ALTERNATIVE, BASED ON SOME EXACT COMPUTER ANALYSIS, OF

NEW ALTERNATIVE, BASED ON SOME EXACT COMPUTER ANALYSIS, OF COURSE, AND TAKING INTO

EXACT COMPUTER ANALYSIS, OF COURSE, AND TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION ELEMENTS OF...

COURSE, AND TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION ELEMENTS OF... I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

CONSIDERATION ELEMENTS OF... I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! GOD!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! GOD! EVERYBODY I KNOW LOVES THE SHOW!

GOD! EVERYBODY I KNOW LOVES THE SHOW! I-I HAVE A CONTRACT!

EVERYBODY I KNOW LOVES THE SHOW! I-I HAVE A CONTRACT! I HAVE A CONTRACT.

I-I HAVE A CONTRACT! I HAVE A CONTRACT. I WANT MY... WHERE'S MY EARS?

I HAVE A CONTRACT. I WANT MY... WHERE'S MY EARS? I WANT MY EARS.

I WANT MY... WHERE'S MY EARS? I WANT MY EARS. LEAVE THAT STUFF ALONE.

I WANT MY EARS. LEAVE THAT STUFF ALONE. LEAVE IT ALONE!

LEAVE THAT STUFF ALONE. LEAVE IT ALONE! LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS.

LEAVE IT ALONE! LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS. SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS, HUH?

LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS. SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS, HUH? SPOCK?!

SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS, HUH? SPOCK?! YOU'RE HALF HUMAN, REMEMBER?

SPOCK?! YOU'RE HALF HUMAN, REMEMBER? SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH?

YOU'RE HALF HUMAN, REMEMBER? SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH? JUST ME, HUH?

SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH? JUST ME, HUH? WELL, I'VE BEEN IN TOUGHER SPOTS

JUST ME, HUH? WELL, I'VE BEEN IN TOUGHER SPOTS BEFORE.

WELL, I'VE BEEN IN TOUGHER SPOTS BEFORE. NO WAY... NO WAY AM I GONNA GIVE

BEFORE. NO WAY... NO WAY AM I GONNA GIVE UP.

NO WAY... NO WAY AM I GONNA GIVE UP. I'D RATHER GO DOWN WITH THE

UP. I'D RATHER GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP.

I'D RATHER GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP. OH, SHATNER, YOU HAD A CALL

SHIP. OH, SHATNER, YOU HAD A CALL FROM A MARGARINE COMPANY.

OH, SHATNER, YOU HAD A CALL FROM A MARGARINE COMPANY. THEY SAID THEY'D CALL YOU BACK.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, FINAL ENTRY. WE HAVE TRIED TO EXPLORE STRANGE NEW WORLDS, TO SEEK OUT NEW

WE HAVE TRIED TO EXPLORE STRANGE NEW WORLDS, TO SEEK OUT NEW CIVILIZATIONS, TO BOLDLY GO

NEW WORLDS, TO SEEK OUT NEW CIVILIZATIONS, TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.

CIVILIZATIONS, TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. AND EXCEPT FOR ONE TELEVISION

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. AND EXCEPT FOR ONE TELEVISION NETWORK, WE HAVE FOUND

AND EXCEPT FOR ONE TELEVISION NETWORK, WE HAVE FOUND INTELLIGENCE EVERYWHERE IN THE

NETWORK, WE HAVE FOUND INTELLIGENCE EVERYWHERE IN THE GALAXY.

INTELLIGENCE EVERYWHERE IN THE GALAXY. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

GALAXY. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER. PROMISE.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER. PROMISE. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK,

PROMISE. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK, SC 937-0176 CEC.

THE MUPPETS ARE VACATIONING IN ENGLAND FOR A WHILE, AND THEY SENT US THIS POSTCARD, AND I'M

IN ENGLAND FOR A WHILE, AND THEY SENT US THIS POSTCARD, AND I'M GONNA READ IT TO YOU.

SENT US THIS POSTCARD, AND I'M GONNA READ IT TO YOU. "DEAR GANG, WE'RE HAVING A

GONNA READ IT TO YOU. "DEAR GANG, WE'RE HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME HERE IN ENGLAND.

"DEAR GANG, WE'RE HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME HERE IN ENGLAND. WE TRACED OUR ANCESTRY BACK TO A

WONDERFUL TIME HERE IN ENGLAND. WE TRACED OUR ANCESTRY BACK TO A FELT FACTORY IN YORKSHIRE.

WE TRACED OUR ANCESTRY BACK TO A FELT FACTORY IN YORKSHIRE. NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GOING TO

FELT FACTORY IN YORKSHIRE. NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GOING TO SCOTLAND TO VISIT A COUSIN OF

NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GOING TO SCOTLAND TO VISIT A COUSIN OF OURS, THE LOCH NESS MUPPET.

SCOTLAND TO VISIT A COUSIN OF OURS, THE LOCH NESS MUPPET. LOVE TO ALL, THE MUPPETS."

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. THAT'S SILLY.

CHEVY CHASE. THAT'S SILLY. EVERYBODY MAKES NOISE.

THAT'S SILLY. EVERYBODY MAKES NOISE. EVERYBODY REACTS DIFFERENTLY.

EVERYBODY MAKES NOISE. EVERYBODY REACTS DIFFERENTLY. SO WHAT IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAUGH?

EVERYBODY REACTS DIFFERENTLY. SO WHAT IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAUGH? THAT'S NOT A...

SO WHAT IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAUGH? THAT'S NOT A... I GOT TO GO.

THAT'S NOT A... I GOT TO GO. GOOD EVENING.

I GOT TO GO. GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND SO ARE YOU.

GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND SO ARE YOU. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CUBAN

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND SO ARE YOU. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CUBAN PREMIER FIDEL CASTRO ANNOUNCED

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CUBAN PREMIER FIDEL CASTRO ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS PULLING OUT OF

PREMIER FIDEL CASTRO ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS PULLING OUT OF ANGOLA.

THAT HE IS PULLING OUT OF ANGOLA. A FRUSTRATED ANGOLA COULD NOT BE

ANGOLA. A FRUSTRATED ANGOLA COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT.

A FRUSTRATED ANGOLA COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT. JIMMY CARTER AND HIS WIFE,

REACHED FOR COMMENT. JIMMY CARTER AND HIS WIFE, ROSALYNN, IN AN EFFORT TO

JIMMY CARTER AND HIS WIFE, ROSALYNN, IN AN EFFORT TO DRAMATIZE THE SOLIDARITY OF

ROSALYNN, IN AN EFFORT TO DRAMATIZE THE SOLIDARITY OF THEIR MARRIAGE, HAVE HAD

DRAMATIZE THE SOLIDARITY OF THEIR MARRIAGE, HAVE HAD THEMSELVES EPOXIED TOGETHER AT

THEIR MARRIAGE, HAVE HAD THEMSELVES EPOXIED TOGETHER AT THE CHEEK.

THEMSELVES EPOXIED TOGETHER AT THE CHEEK. ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,

THE CHEEK. ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, TRAILING IN THE PRIMARIES,

ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, TRAILING IN THE PRIMARIES, MORRIS UDALL MADE A LAST-DITCH

TRAILING IN THE PRIMARIES, MORRIS UDALL MADE A LAST-DITCH EFFORT AT VOTE-GETTING BY

MORRIS UDALL MADE A LAST-DITCH EFFORT AT VOTE-GETTING BY SHOWING A CROWD THAT HE CAN LIFT

EFFORT AT VOTE-GETTING BY SHOWING A CROWD THAT HE CAN LIFT A CHAIR.

SHOWING A CROWD THAT HE CAN LIFT A CHAIR. WELL, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE

A CHAIR. WELL, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE WAYNE HAYS, SHOWN HERE HOLDING

WELL, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE WAYNE HAYS, SHOWN HERE HOLDING UP NOTHING, HAS ADMITTED HIS

WAYNE HAYS, SHOWN HERE HOLDING UP NOTHING, HAS ADMITTED HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH A

UP NOTHING, HAS ADMITTED HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH A $14,000-A-YEAR SECRETARY.

RELATIONSHIP WITH A $14,000-A-YEAR SECRETARY. SOURCES REPORT THAT HAYS, AFTER

$14,000-A-YEAR SECRETARY. SOURCES REPORT THAT HAYS, AFTER DOING SOME QUICK ARITHMETIC,

SOURCES REPORT THAT HAYS, AFTER DOING SOME QUICK ARITHMETIC, COMMENTED, "$14,000 A YEAR?

DOING SOME QUICK ARITHMETIC, COMMENTED, "$14,000 A YEAR? I THOUGHT IT WAS $38 A NIGHT."

COMMENTED, "$14,000 A YEAR? I THOUGHT IT WAS $38 A NIGHT." SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS $38 A NIGHT." SORRY ABOUT THAT. HERE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT. HERE. THE WOMAN IN QUESTION,

HERE. THE WOMAN IN QUESTION, ELIZABETH RAY, POSING HERE FOR A

THE WOMAN IN QUESTION, ELIZABETH RAY, POSING HERE FOR A "GIRLS OF WASHINGTON" LAYOUT IN

ELIZABETH RAY, POSING HERE FOR A "GIRLS OF WASHINGTON" LAYOUT IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN SEPTEMBER,

"GIRLS OF WASHINGTON" LAYOUT IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN SEPTEMBER, REPORTEDLY TOLD THE PRESS, "I

PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN SEPTEMBER, REPORTEDLY TOLD THE PRESS, "I CAN'T USE A TYPEWRITER, I DON'T

REPORTEDLY TOLD THE PRESS, "I CAN'T USE A TYPEWRITER, I DON'T KNOW AN 'L' FROM AN 'R, ' AND

CAN'T USE A TYPEWRITER, I DON'T KNOW AN 'L' FROM AN 'R, ' AND AFTER ALL, THIS IS AN ELECTION

KNOW AN 'L' FROM AN 'R, ' AND AFTER ALL, THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR."

AFTER ALL, THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR." WELL, NOBODY REALLY CARES

YEAR." WELL, NOBODY REALLY CARES ANYMORE.

WELL, NOBODY REALLY CARES ANYMORE. THE WEST POINT CHEATING SCANDAL

ANYMORE. THE WEST POINT CHEATING SCANDAL HAS REACHED SUCH LARGE

THE WEST POINT CHEATING SCANDAL HAS REACHED SUCH LARGE PROPORTIONS THAT THE ACADEMY IS

HAS REACHED SUCH LARGE PROPORTIONS THAT THE ACADEMY IS CONSIDERING CHANGING ITS HONOR

PROPORTIONS THAT THE ACADEMY IS CONSIDERING CHANGING ITS HONOR CODE RATHER THAN EXPELLING

CONSIDERING CHANGING ITS HONOR CODE RATHER THAN EXPELLING HUNDREDS OF WEST POINT CADETS.

CODE RATHER THAN EXPELLING HUNDREDS OF WEST POINT CADETS. THE HONOR CODE NOW STATES THAT A

HUNDREDS OF WEST POINT CADETS. THE HONOR CODE NOW STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE, STEAL, OR

THE HONOR CODE NOW STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE, STEAL, OR CHEAT.

CADET WILL NOT LIE, STEAL, OR CHEAT. THE NEW CODE BEING PROPOSED

CHEAT. THE NEW CODE BEING PROPOSED STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE

THE NEW CODE BEING PROPOSED STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE OR STEAL.

STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE OR STEAL. WELL, AIR BULGARIA TODAY PROUDLY

OR STEAL. WELL, AIR BULGARIA TODAY PROUDLY UNVEILED ITS NEW SUPERSONIC

WELL, AIR BULGARIA TODAY PROUDLY UNVEILED ITS NEW SUPERSONIC TRANSPORT PLANE, DESIGNED TO

UNVEILED ITS NEW SUPERSONIC TRANSPORT PLANE, DESIGNED TO COMPETE WITH THE CONCORDE NOW

TRANSPORT PLANE, DESIGNED TO COMPETE WITH THE CONCORDE NOW IN SERVICE.

COMPETE WITH THE CONCORDE NOW IN SERVICE. THE CRAFT WILL FLY AT TWICE THE

IN SERVICE. THE CRAFT WILL FLY AT TWICE THE SPEED OF SOUND IF THEY CAN GET

THE CRAFT WILL FLY AT TWICE THE SPEED OF SOUND IF THEY CAN GET IT INSIDE A CONCORDE.

SPEED OF SOUND IF THEY CAN GET IT INSIDE A CONCORDE. AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA,

IT INSIDE A CONCORDE. AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA, FRANK SINATRA RECEIVED A DOUBLE

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA, FRANK SINATRA RECEIVED A DOUBLE HONOR THIS WEEK.

FRANK SINATRA RECEIVED A DOUBLE HONOR THIS WEEK. HE WAS NAMED DOCTOR OF HUMANE

HONOR THIS WEEK. HE WAS NAMED DOCTOR OF HUMANE LETTERS AND ALSO THE WINNER OF

HE WAS NAMED DOCTOR OF HUMANE LETTERS AND ALSO THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S MICKEY ROONEY

LETTERS AND ALSO THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S MICKEY ROONEY LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.

THIS YEAR'S MICKEY ROONEY LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST. BOSTON BRUIN BOBBY ORR, THE

LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST. BOSTON BRUIN BOBBY ORR, THE SUPERSTAR DEFENSEMAN, ANNOUNCED

BOSTON BRUIN BOBBY ORR, THE SUPERSTAR DEFENSEMAN, ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL GIVE UP HOCKEY TO

SUPERSTAR DEFENSEMAN, ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL GIVE UP HOCKEY TO ENTER THE FREESTYLE-DIVING EVENT

THAT HE WILL GIVE UP HOCKEY TO ENTER THE FREESTYLE-DIVING EVENT IN THE '76 OLYMPICS.

ENTER THE FREESTYLE-DIVING EVENT IN THE '76 OLYMPICS. HE IS SHOWN HERE EXECUTING A

IN THE '76 OLYMPICS. HE IS SHOWN HERE EXECUTING A PERFECT SWAN DIVE INTO SOLID

HE IS SHOWN HERE EXECUTING A PERFECT SWAN DIVE INTO SOLID ICE.

PERFECT SWAN DIVE INTO SOLID ICE. FORMER VICE PRESIDENT

ICE. FORMER VICE PRESIDENT SPIRO AGNEW TOOK TIME OFF FROM

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT SPIRO AGNEW TOOK TIME OFF FROM HIS BOOK-PROMOTION TOUR THIS

SPIRO AGNEW TOOK TIME OFF FROM HIS BOOK-PROMOTION TOUR THIS WEEK TO ATTEND A MASQUERADE

HIS BOOK-PROMOTION TOUR THIS WEEK TO ATTEND A MASQUERADE PARTY GIVEN IN HIS HONOR.

WEEK TO ATTEND A MASQUERADE PARTY GIVEN IN HIS HONOR. AGNEW IS SHOWN HERE BEFORE HE

PARTY GIVEN IN HIS HONOR. AGNEW IS SHOWN HERE BEFORE HE DECIDED ON HIS COSTUME.

AGNEW IS SHOWN HERE BEFORE HE DECIDED ON HIS COSTUME. THIS JUST IN... PETER PIPER

DECIDED ON HIS COSTUME. THIS JUST IN... PETER PIPER PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED

THIS JUST IN... PETER PIPER PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS.

PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS. MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.

PEPPERS. MORE ON THAT STORY LATER. STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD BUYS

MORE ON THAT STORY LATER. STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD BUYS AN ALARM CLOCK, AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD BUYS AN ALARM CLOCK, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP.

WITH ME. I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP. I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP. I DON'T KNOW. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO RELAX.

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO RELAX. WHAT?

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO RELAX. WHAT? SAY, HONEY, I'M STARVING.

WHAT? SAY, HONEY, I'M STARVING. I SURE COULD USE A NICE SALAD.

SAY, HONEY, I'M STARVING. I SURE COULD USE A NICE SALAD. MAKE IT YOURSELF.

I SURE COULD USE A NICE SALAD. MAKE IT YOURSELF. AW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT...

MAKE IT YOURSELF. AW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT... ALL THAT CHOPPING AND CUTTING.

AW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT... ALL THAT CHOPPING AND CUTTING. IT'S TOO MUCH BOTHER TO MAKE A

ALL THAT CHOPPING AND CUTTING. IT'S TOO MUCH BOTHER TO MAKE A SALAD.

IT'S TOO MUCH BOTHER TO MAKE A SALAD. I GUESS YOU TWO HAVEN'T HEARD

SALAD. I GUESS YOU TWO HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT VIBRAMATIC, THAT FABULOUS

I GUESS YOU TWO HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT VIBRAMATIC, THAT FABULOUS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE FROM ROVCO

ABOUT VIBRAMATIC, THAT FABULOUS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE FROM ROVCO THAT'LL FIX YOU A SALAD AND HELP

HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE FROM ROVCO THAT'LL FIX YOU A SALAD AND HELP YOU RELAX AS FAST AS YOU CAN

THAT'LL FIX YOU A SALAD AND HELP YOU RELAX AS FAST AS YOU CAN SAY, "VIBRAMATIC."

YOU RELAX AS FAST AS YOU CAN SAY, "VIBRAMATIC." IT'S A KITCHEN AID.

SAY, "VIBRAMATIC." IT'S A KITCHEN AID. I'S A PERSONAL MASSAGER AND A

IT'S A KITCHEN AID. I'S A PERSONAL MASSAGER AND A BEAUTY FRIEND.

I'S A PERSONAL MASSAGER AND A BEAUTY FRIEND. IT CHOPS, IT STIMULATES, IT

BEAUTY FRIEND. IT CHOPS, IT STIMULATES, IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT TINGLES,

IT CHOPS, IT STIMULATES, IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT TINGLES, AND MASSAGES.

SLICES, IT DICES, IT TINGLES, AND MASSAGES. IT MASSAGES THOSE HARD-TO-REACH

AND MASSAGES. IT MASSAGES THOSE HARD-TO-REACH AREAS LIKE THE BRIDGE OF THE

IT MASSAGES THOSE HARD-TO-REACH AREAS LIKE THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE...

AREAS LIKE THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE... THE BACK OF THE NECK...

WHOA!

AND IT CAN BE YOURS FOR THE

UNBELIEVABLY LOW PRICE OF

$39.95.

THAT'S RIGHT, JUST $39.95.

THE EXCITING VIBRAMATIC...

RECOMMENDED BY ATHLETES...

PENETRATES TO BRING DEEP-DOWN

RELIEF TO TENDER MUSCLE ZONES.

RELAXING, REFRESHING, MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD ALL OVER. OOH, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT

FEEL GOOD ALL OVER. OOH, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT MY VIBRAMATIC.

OOH, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT MY VIBRAMATIC. I USE IT IN EVERY ROOM IN THE

I'D DO WITHOUT MY VIBRAMATIC. I USE IT IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE.

I USE IT IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. VIBRAMATIC CUTS EVERYTHING IN

HOUSE. VIBRAMATIC CUTS EVERYTHING IN SIGHT... LETTUCE, CABBAGES, EVEN

VIBRAMATIC CUTS EVERYTHING IN SIGHT... LETTUCE, CABBAGES, EVEN SLICES ONIONS.

SIGHT... LETTUCE, CABBAGES, EVEN SLICES ONIONS. WITH VIBRAMATIC, THE ONLY TEARS

SLICES ONIONS. WITH VIBRAMATIC, THE ONLY TEARS YOU'LL CRY WILL BE TEARS OF JOY.

WITH VIBRAMATIC, THE ONLY TEARS YOU'LL CRY WILL BE TEARS OF JOY. PERFECT, EVEN STROKES EVERY

YOU'LL CRY WILL BE TEARS OF JOY. PERFECT, EVEN STROKES EVERY TIME.

PERFECT, EVEN STROKES EVERY TIME. ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

TIME. ISN'T THAT AMAZING? MAKES SALADS IN SECONDS.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING? MAKES SALADS IN SECONDS. A HOUSEHOLD TOOL YOU'LL NEVER

MAKES SALADS IN SECONDS. A HOUSEHOLD TOOL YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO BE WITHOUT.

A HOUSEHOLD TOOL YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO BE WITHOUT. GET YOURS NOW... THE INCREDIBLE

WANT TO BE WITHOUT. GET YOURS NOW... THE INCREDIBLE VIBRAMATIC.

GET YOURS NOW... THE INCREDIBLE VIBRAMATIC. FOR WOMEN...

VIBRAMATIC. FOR WOMEN... AND VEGETABLES.

FOR WOMEN... AND VEGETABLES. COMPLETE SATISFACTION OR

AND VEGETABLES. COMPLETE SATISFACTION OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

COMPLETE SATISFACTION OR YOUR MONEY BACK. Announcer: VIBRAMATIC... AT

YOUR MONEY BACK. Announcer: VIBRAMATIC... AT WOOLIES.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY GENERAL KURT WALDHEIM SAID TODAY THAT SYRIA, LEBANON, GREECE,

GENERAL KURT WALDHEIM SAID TODAY THAT SYRIA, LEBANON, GREECE, INDIA, AND LITHUANIA.

THAT SYRIA, LEBANON, GREECE, INDIA, AND LITHUANIA. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP MUHAMMAD ALI

INDIA, AND LITHUANIA. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP MUHAMMAD ALI KNOCKED OUT A 6-YEAR-OLD,

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP MUHAMMAD ALI KNOCKED OUT A 6-YEAR-OLD, 1st-GRADE GIRL IN OHIO TODAY.

KNOCKED OUT A 6-YEAR-OLD, 1st-GRADE GIRL IN OHIO TODAY. IT ONLY TOOK HIM ONE LEFT JAB.

1st-GRADE GIRL IN OHIO TODAY. IT ONLY TOOK HIM ONE LEFT JAB. THE GIRL IS REPORTED IN SERIOUS

IT ONLY TOOK HIM ONE LEFT JAB. THE GIRL IS REPORTED IN SERIOUS CONDITION AT A NEARBY HOSPITAL.

THE GIRL IS REPORTED IN SERIOUS CONDITION AT A NEARBY HOSPITAL. WHILE THE CITY OF MONTREAL,

CONDITION AT A NEARBY HOSPITAL. WHILE THE CITY OF MONTREAL, CANADA, READIES ITSELF FOR THE

WHILE THE CITY OF MONTREAL, CANADA, READIES ITSELF FOR THE UPCOMING SUMMER OLYMPICS, TEAMS

CANADA, READIES ITSELF FOR THE UPCOMING SUMMER OLYMPICS, TEAMS FROM OVER MUCH OF THE WORLD ARE

UPCOMING SUMMER OLYMPICS, TEAMS FROM OVER MUCH OF THE WORLD ARE PRACTICING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THE

FROM OVER MUCH OF THE WORLD ARE PRACTICING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THE GAMES.

PRACTICING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THE GAMES. REPORTING ON ONE SUCH TEAM IS

GAMES. REPORTING ON ONE SUCH TEAM IS CORRESPONDENT JACQUELINE CARLIN

REPORTING ON ONE SUCH TEAM IS CORRESPONDENT JACQUELINE CARLIN IN LATVIA.

CORRESPONDENT JACQUELINE CARLIN IN LATVIA. [High-pitched voice] THE

IN LATVIA. [High-pitched voice] THE LATVIANS HAVE YET TO WIN A GOLD

[High-pitched voice] THE LATVIANS HAVE YET TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN OLYMPIC COMPETITION.

LATVIANS HAVE YET TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN OLYMPIC COMPETITION. CRITICS SAY THIS MAY BE A RESULT

MEDAL IN OLYMPIC COMPETITION. CRITICS SAY THIS MAY BE A RESULT OF SHODDY TRAINING, LACK OF

CRITICS SAY THIS MAY BE A RESULT OF SHODDY TRAINING, LACK OF EQUIPMENT, AND LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

OF SHODDY TRAINING, LACK OF EQUIPMENT, AND LITTLE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT MAY BE REQUIRED OF THEM

EQUIPMENT, AND LITTLE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT MAY BE REQUIRED OF THEM AT THE GAMES.

OF WHAT MAY BE REQUIRED OF THEM AT THE GAMES. HERE THE COED TEAMMATES ARE

AT THE GAMES. HERE THE COED TEAMMATES ARE SHOWN PASSING BALLS OVER THEIR

HERE THE COED TEAMMATES ARE SHOWN PASSING BALLS OVER THEIR HEADS TO EACH OTHER AND HALABAH

SHOWN PASSING BALLS OVER THEIR HEADS TO EACH OTHER AND HALABAH BETWEEN THEIR LEGS.

HEADS TO EACH OTHER AND HALABAH BETWEEN THEIR LEGS. PERHAPS THE MOST INTERESTING

BETWEEN THEIR LEGS. PERHAPS THE MOST INTERESTING CONTEST FOR THIS SPIRITED TEAM

PERHAPS THE MOST INTERESTING CONTEST FOR THIS SPIRITED TEAM IS THE DANCE-AROUND-THE-DUCKPINS

CONTEST FOR THIS SPIRITED TEAM IS THE DANCE-AROUND-THE-DUCKPINS RITUAL, DURING WHICH MEMBERS OF

IS THE DANCE-AROUND-THE-DUCKPINS RITUAL, DURING WHICH MEMBERS OF THE SAME GROUP ACTUALLY DANCE

RITUAL, DURING WHICH MEMBERS OF THE SAME GROUP ACTUALLY DANCE AROUND DUCKPINS, TRYING TO FORCE

THE SAME GROUP ACTUALLY DANCE AROUND DUCKPINS, TRYING TO FORCE THE TEAMMATES CLOSEST TO THEM TO

AROUND DUCKPINS, TRYING TO FORCE THE TEAMMATES CLOSEST TO THEM TO KICK THE DUCKPINS OVER.

THE TEAMMATES CLOSEST TO THEM TO KICK THE DUCKPINS OVER. THIS IS JACQUELINE CARLIN...

KICK THE DUCKPINS OVER. THIS IS JACQUELINE CARLIN... [Normal voice] REPORTING.

THIS IS JACQUELINE CARLIN... [Normal voice] REPORTING. LAST WEEK "WEEKEND UPDATE"

[Normal voice] REPORTING. LAST WEEK "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL BY

LAST WEEK "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL BY GORDON FLOWERS OBJECTING TO THE

PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL BY GORDON FLOWERS OBJECTING TO THE OVERCOMMERCIALISM OF AMERICA'S

GORDON FLOWERS OBJECTING TO THE OVERCOMMERCIALISM OF AMERICA'S BICENTENNIAL.

OVERCOMMERCIALISM OF AMERICA'S BICENTENNIAL. HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS

BICENTENNIAL. HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS JUNIOR CHAIRPERSON OF THE

HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS JUNIOR CHAIRPERSON OF THE BICENTENNIAL BUSINESS-AFFAIRS

JUNIOR CHAIRPERSON OF THE BICENTENNIAL BUSINESS-AFFAIRS COMMITTEE,

BICENTENNIAL BUSINESS-AFFAIRS COMMITTEE, MISS AUDREY PEART DICKMAN.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING

PATRIOTIC?

IN THIS, OUR BICENTENNIAL YEAR,

TOO MANY SO-CALLED CONCERNED

CITIZENS HAVE BEEN CRITICIZING

THE USE OF THE GOOD OLD RED,

WHITE, AND BLUE AND OTHER

AMERICAN SYMBOLS, IN CONNECTION

WITH COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS,

ADVERTISING, MERCHANDISING, AND

GENERAL ACTIVITIES SURROUNDING

THE CELEBRATION OF THE BIRTH OF

THIS GREAT COUNTRY.

I SAY WHAT'S WRONG WITH EXPRESSING OUR PATRIOTISM? I'M PROUD TO DIAPER MY BABY WITH

EXPRESSING OUR PATRIOTISM? I'M PROUD TO DIAPER MY BABY WITH THE STARS AND STRIPES OR TO

I'M PROUD TO DIAPER MY BABY WITH THE STARS AND STRIPES OR TO STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK WEARING

THE STARS AND STRIPES OR TO STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK WEARING AN OLD GLORY LEISURE SUIT.

STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK WEARING AN OLD GLORY LEISURE SUIT. CALL ME SENTIMENTAL AND

AN OLD GLORY LEISURE SUIT. CALL ME SENTIMENTAL AND OLD-FASHIONED, BUT IT'S A

CALL ME SENTIMENTAL AND OLD-FASHIONED, BUT IT'S A THRILLING REMINDER OF OUR

OLD-FASHIONED, BUT IT'S A THRILLING REMINDER OF OUR HERITAGE TO HAVE THE AMERICAN

THRILLING REMINDER OF OUR HERITAGE TO HAVE THE AMERICAN EAGLE STAMPED ON MY TOILET

HERITAGE TO HAVE THE AMERICAN EAGLE STAMPED ON MY TOILET TISSUE SO I CAN BE REMINDED

EAGLE STAMPED ON MY TOILET TISSUE SO I CAN BE REMINDED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN HOW

TISSUE SO I CAN BE REMINDED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN HOW OUR ANCESTORS FOUGHT THAT

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN HOW OUR ANCESTORS FOUGHT THAT GALLANT BATTLE FOR INDEPENDENCE,

OUR ANCESTORS FOUGHT THAT GALLANT BATTLE FOR INDEPENDENCE, CLEANSING THE NATION OF

GALLANT BATTLE FOR INDEPENDENCE, CLEANSING THE NATION OF OPPRESSIVE FORCES.

CLEANSING THE NATION OF OPPRESSIVE FORCES. LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT

OPPRESSIVE FORCES. LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS BECOME MORE THAN

LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS BECOME MORE THAN MERE WORDS WHEN THEY APPEAR

OF HAPPINESS BECOME MORE THAN MERE WORDS WHEN THEY APPEAR EMBOSSED ON A PIZZA SLICED INTO

MERE WORDS WHEN THEY APPEAR EMBOSSED ON A PIZZA SLICED INTO 13 SECTIONS AS A REMINDER OF THE

EMBOSSED ON A PIZZA SLICED INTO 13 SECTIONS AS A REMINDER OF THE VALIANT ORIGINAL COLONIES WHO

13 SECTIONS AS A REMINDER OF THE VALIANT ORIGINAL COLONIES WHO STOOD TOGETHER AGAINST

VALIANT ORIGINAL COLONIES WHO STOOD TOGETHER AGAINST OPPRESSION.

STOOD TOGETHER AGAINST OPPRESSION. YES, I'LL BRUSH MY TEETH WITH

OPPRESSION. YES, I'LL BRUSH MY TEETH WITH BICENTENNIAL TOOTHPASTE AND

YES, I'LL BRUSH MY TEETH WITH BICENTENNIAL TOOTHPASTE AND GARGLE WITH "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR

BICENTENNIAL TOOTHPASTE AND GARGLE WITH "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH" MOUTHWASH.

GARGLE WITH "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH" MOUTHWASH. AND I'LL FEEL BETTER FOR IT,

GIVE ME DEATH" MOUTHWASH. AND I'LL FEEL BETTER FOR IT, BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL TASTE LIKE

AND I'LL FEEL BETTER FOR IT, BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL TASTE LIKE AN AMERICAN.

BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL TASTE LIKE AN AMERICAN. "WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES

AN AMERICAN. "WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS RESPONSIBILITY TO PRESENT

"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS RESPONSIBILITY TO PRESENT OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS WHENEVER

ITS RESPONSIBILITY TO PRESENT OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS WHENEVER WE'RE IN THE MOOD.

OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS WHENEVER WE'RE IN THE MOOD. AND NOW, FOR THOSE OF OUR

WE'RE IN THE MOOD. AND NOW, FOR THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE EMILY LITELLA

AND NOW, FOR THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE EMILY LITELLA FANS, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP

VIEWERS WHO MAY BE EMILY LITELLA FANS, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY...

FANS, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY... WHO ELSE? MISS EMILY LITELLA.

[CLEARS THROAT]

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

OUR FLOP STORY TONIGHT...

NO, EMILY, I SAID, "OUR TOP

STORY."

WHAT, CHEDDAR?

OUR TOP STORY.

NOT OUR FLOP STORY.

OUR FLOP STORY WOULD BE OUR

WORST STORY.

OUR TOP STORY WOULD BE OUR BEST

STORY.

OH.

NEVER MIND. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. GOOD MORNING, AND HOW ARE YOU

PLEASANT TOMORROW. GOOD MORNING, AND HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

THE TROOPS ARE IN POSITION, SIR. THE BOMBS AT THE CAPITOL

SIR. THE BOMBS AT THE CAPITOL BUILDING ARE SET TO GO OFF IN...

THE BOMBS AT THE CAPITOL BUILDING ARE SET TO GO OFF IN... FIVE MINUTES.

BUILDING ARE SET TO GO OFF IN... FIVE MINUTES. SO, THE WAR HAS FINALLY

FIVE MINUTES. SO, THE WAR HAS FINALLY BECOME A REALITY.

SO, THE WAR HAS FINALLY BECOME A REALITY. I HATE WAR.

BECOME A REALITY. I HATE WAR. I HATE IT.

I HATE WAR. I HATE IT. I KNOW, SIR.

I HATE IT. I KNOW, SIR. IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT COULD

I KNOW, SIR. IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT COULD JUST SIGN THE APARTHEID BILL.

IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT COULD JUST SIGN THE APARTHEID BILL. BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR

JUST SIGN THE APARTHEID BILL. BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT NOW, SIR.

BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT NOW, SIR. I KNOW. I KNOW.

THAT NOW, SIR. I KNOW. I KNOW. GHANA WILL SOON BE TORN APART BY

I KNOW. I KNOW. GHANA WILL SOON BE TORN APART BY CIVIL VIOLENCE, AND THERE IS

GHANA WILL SOON BE TORN APART BY CIVIL VIOLENCE, AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO... NOT ME,

CIVIL VIOLENCE, AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO... NOT ME, NOT YOU, NOT EVEN THE

NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO... NOT ME, NOT YOU, NOT EVEN THE UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR BLACK.

NOT YOU, NOT EVEN THE UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR BLACK. THAT'S TRUE, SIR.

UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR BLACK. THAT'S TRUE, SIR. YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

THAT'S TRUE, SIR. YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. WHEN SHE WAS APPOINTED

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. WHEN SHE WAS APPOINTED AMBASSADOR TO GHANA, I LAUGHED.

WHEN SHE WAS APPOINTED AMBASSADOR TO GHANA, I LAUGHED. BUT IT SEEMS SHE DOES POSSESS

AMBASSADOR TO GHANA, I LAUGHED. BUT IT SEEMS SHE DOES POSSESS DIPLOMATIC METHODS AT HER

BUT IT SEEMS SHE DOES POSSESS DIPLOMATIC METHODS AT HER DISPOSAL THAT NO OTHER

DIPLOMATIC METHODS AT HER DISPOSAL THAT NO OTHER AMBASSADOR POSSESSES.

DISPOSAL THAT NO OTHER AMBASSADOR POSSESSES. SHE DOES, SIR?

AMBASSADOR POSSESSES. SHE DOES, SIR? YES.

SHE DOES, SIR? YES. BUT THIS TIME, AMBASSADOR BLACK

YES. BUT THIS TIME, AMBASSADOR BLACK DID NOT COME THROUGH.

BUT THIS TIME, AMBASSADOR BLACK DID NOT COME THROUGH. BUT I'M SURE SHE TRIED IT, AND

DID NOT COME THROUGH. BUT I'M SURE SHE TRIED IT, AND IF SHE FAILED, WELL...

BUT I'M SURE SHE TRIED IT, AND IF SHE FAILED, WELL... BUT, PRESIDENT HINCH, I'M

IF SHE FAILED, WELL... BUT, PRESIDENT HINCH, I'M SURE I DROPPED MY DOLLY

BUT, PRESIDENT HINCH, I'M SURE I DROPPED MY DOLLY SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR HERE, AND

SURE I DROPPED MY DOLLY SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR HERE, AND YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME FIND

SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR HERE, AND YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME FIND HER.

YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME FIND HER. MY DEAR, WE'VE ALREADY WALKED

HER. MY DEAR, WE'VE ALREADY WALKED FOR 10 MILES, AND I HAVE A WAR

MY DEAR, WE'VE ALREADY WALKED FOR 10 MILES, AND I HAVE A WAR TO ATTEND.

FOR 10 MILES, AND I HAVE A WAR TO ATTEND. IF YOU WEREN'T SO DAD-BLASTED

TO ATTEND. IF YOU WEREN'T SO DAD-BLASTED CONNIVING, I'D NEVER HAVE COME

IF YOU WEREN'T SO DAD-BLASTED CONNIVING, I'D NEVER HAVE COME OUT HERE...

CONNIVING, I'D NEVER HAVE COME OUT HERE... MR. MOBUTU, WHAT A

OUT HERE... MR. MOBUTU, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

MR. MOBUTU, WHAT A COINCIDENCE. MOBUTU.

COINCIDENCE. MOBUTU. HINCH.

MOBUTU. HINCH. MOBUTU.

HINCH. MOBUTU. OH, MR. THALMUS, WHY, COULD

MOBUTU. OH, MR. THALMUS, WHY, COULD YOU FIND MY DOLLY, MR. THALMUS,

OH, MR. THALMUS, WHY, COULD YOU FIND MY DOLLY, MR. THALMUS, PLEASE?

YOU FIND MY DOLLY, MR. THALMUS, PLEASE? I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHILE

PLEASE? I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHILE YOU'RE AT ARM'S LENGTH.

I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHILE YOU'RE AT ARM'S LENGTH. MR. MOBUTU, THAT ISN'T A VERY

YOU'RE AT ARM'S LENGTH. MR. MOBUTU, THAT ISN'T A VERY NICE THING TO SAY TO MR. HINCH.

MR. MOBUTU, THAT ISN'T A VERY NICE THING TO SAY TO MR. HINCH. HE'S MY FRIEND.

NICE THING TO SAY TO MR. HINCH. HE'S MY FRIEND. HE'S MY FRIEND, TOO.

HE'S MY FRIEND. HE'S MY FRIEND, TOO. I WOULDN'T ADVISE IT, MOBUTU.

HE'S MY FRIEND, TOO. I WOULDN'T ADVISE IT, MOBUTU. THE JUNGLE'S CRAWLING WITH MY

I WOULDN'T ADVISE IT, MOBUTU. THE JUNGLE'S CRAWLING WITH MY MEN.

THE JUNGLE'S CRAWLING WITH MY MEN. ONE SHOT, AND THEY'LL RUSH DOWN

MEN. ONE SHOT, AND THEY'LL RUSH DOWN HERE AND CLOSE YOUR BASE OF

ONE SHOT, AND THEY'LL RUSH DOWN HERE AND CLOSE YOUR BASE OF OPERATIONS AND YOUR WAR, SIR.

HERE AND CLOSE YOUR BASE OF OPERATIONS AND YOUR WAR, SIR. OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK WAR IS

OPERATIONS AND YOUR WAR, SIR. OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK WAR IS JUST ICKY.

OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK WAR IS JUST ICKY. IT MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE I DO

JUST ICKY. IT MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE I DO WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD MY NAP.

IT MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE I DO WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD MY NAP. NOBODY LIKES WARS, MY DEAR.

WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD MY NAP. NOBODY LIKES WARS, MY DEAR. WELL, THEN, WHY DO PEOPLE

NOBODY LIKES WARS, MY DEAR. WELL, THEN, WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE THEM?

WELL, THEN, WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE THEM? WELL...

HAVE THEM? WELL... WELL...

WELL... WELL... WELL, THOSE WEREN'T VERY GOOD

WELL... WELL, THOSE WEREN'T VERY GOOD ANSWERS.

WELL, THOSE WEREN'T VERY GOOD ANSWERS. YOU KNOW, IF THIS WERE SCHOOL,

ANSWERS. YOU KNOW, IF THIS WERE SCHOOL, I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU BOTH AN

YOU KNOW, IF THIS WERE SCHOOL, I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU BOTH AN EVER-SO-BAD MARK.

I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU BOTH AN EVER-SO-BAD MARK. VERY WELL, MY DEAR.

EVER-SO-BAD MARK. VERY WELL, MY DEAR. HERE'S YOUR ANSWER... BECAUSE

VERY WELL, MY DEAR. HERE'S YOUR ANSWER... BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE FORCE THE ISSUES.

HERE'S YOUR ANSWER... BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE FORCE THE ISSUES. THAT'S WHY THERE'S WAR.

CERTAIN PEOPLE FORCE THE ISSUES. THAT'S WHY THERE'S WAR. AND BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE

THAT'S WHY THERE'S WAR. AND BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO MAKE CHANGES.

AND BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO MAKE CHANGES. THAT'S WHY.

AFRAID TO MAKE CHANGES. THAT'S WHY. NOW, LISTEN TO YOU TWO

THAT'S WHY. NOW, LISTEN TO YOU TWO ARGUING AND YELLING AT EACH

NOW, LISTEN TO YOU TWO ARGUING AND YELLING AT EACH OTHER JUST LIKE MY TEDDY BEARS

ARGUING AND YELLING AT EACH OTHER JUST LIKE MY TEDDY BEARS DO WHEN I'M ASLEEP AT NIGHT.

OTHER JUST LIKE MY TEDDY BEARS DO WHEN I'M ASLEEP AT NIGHT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL

DO WHEN I'M ASLEEP AT NIGHT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL EACH OF THEM?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL EACH OF THEM? ♪ DON'T BE AN OLD GRUMP WHO SITS

EACH OF THEM? ♪ DON'T BE AN OLD GRUMP WHO SITS LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG ♪

♪ DON'T BE AN OLD GRUMP WHO SITS LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG ♪ ♪ GET OFF OF YOUR RUMP ♪

LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG ♪ ♪ GET OFF OF YOUR RUMP ♪ ♪ JUST TAKE A BIG JUMP LIKE A

♪ GET OFF OF YOUR RUMP ♪ ♪ JUST TAKE A BIG JUMP LIKE A FROG ♪

♪ JUST TAKE A BIG JUMP LIKE A FROG ♪ ♪ AND SIMPLY ♪

FROG ♪ ♪ AND SIMPLY ♪ ♪ SAY, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ AND SIMPLY ♪ ♪ SAY, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪ ♪ GIVE HIM THE FRIENDLIEST

♪ SAY, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪ ♪ GIVE HIM THE FRIENDLIEST GRIN ♪

♪ GIVE HIM THE FRIENDLIEST GRIN ♪ ♪ EXTEND YOUR HAND ♪

GRIN ♪ ♪ EXTEND YOUR HAND ♪ ♪ AND IN PLACE OF

♪ EXTEND YOUR HAND ♪ ♪ AND IN PLACE OF GETTING MADDER ♪

♪ AND IN PLACE OF GETTING MADDER ♪ ♪ YOU'LL JUST FEEL GLADDER ♪

GETTING MADDER ♪ ♪ YOU'LL JUST FEEL GLADDER ♪ ♪ OH, WHY, NEIGHBOR ♪

♪ YOU'LL JUST FEEL GLADDER ♪ ♪ OH, WHY, NEIGHBOR ♪ ♪ SHOULD YOU GET OUT THERE AND

♪ OH, WHY, NEIGHBOR ♪ ♪ SHOULD YOU GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT? ♪

♪ SHOULD YOU GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT? ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU KNOW WAR

FIGHT? ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU KNOW WAR ISN'T RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU KNOW WAR ISN'T RIGHT ♪ ♪ IT'S OH SO DREARY

ISN'T RIGHT ♪ ♪ IT'S OH SO DREARY TO LIVE IN FEAR-Y ♪

♪ IT'S OH SO DREARY TO LIVE IN FEAR-Y ♪ ♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF

TO LIVE IN FEAR-Y ♪ ♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF UNCLE SAM ♪

♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF UNCLE SAM ♪ ♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF

UNCLE SAM ♪ ♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF EVERY JAM ♪

♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF EVERY JAM ♪ ♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,

EVERY JAM ♪ ♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A

"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A SWELL GUY ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A SWELL GUY ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT'S

SWELL GUY ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT'S REALLY TRUE ♪

♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT'S REALLY TRUE ♪ ♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN

REALLY TRUE ♪ ♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN THAN HATIN' ♪

♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN THAN HATIN' ♪ ♪ SO HE GETS OUT THERE TO TRY ♪

THAN HATIN' ♪ ♪ SO HE GETS OUT THERE TO TRY ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A.

♪ SO HE GETS OUT THERE TO TRY ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. "H-I" ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. "H-I" ♪ COME ON.

"H-I" ♪ COME ON. YOU SING IT THIS TIME.

COME ON. YOU SING IT THIS TIME. IT'S REALLY FUN.

YOU SING IT THIS TIME. IT'S REALLY FUN. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

IT'S REALLY FUN. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SING.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SING. ♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SING. ♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF UNCLE SAM ♪

♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF UNCLE SAM ♪ ♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF

UNCLE SAM ♪ ♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF EVERY JAM ♪

♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF EVERY JAM ♪ ♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,

EVERY JAM ♪ ♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪ HI.

"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪ HI. ♪ GIVES HIM THE FRIENDLIEST

HI. ♪ GIVES HIM THE FRIENDLIEST GRIN ♪

♪ GIVES HIM THE FRIENDLIEST GRIN ♪ ♪ AND IF THE SKIN

GRIN ♪ ♪ AND IF THE SKIN THAT HE'S IN ♪

♪ AND IF THE SKIN THAT HE'S IN ♪ ♪ IS NOT THE SAME AS HIS ♪

THAT HE'S IN ♪ ♪ IS NOT THE SAME AS HIS ♪ Both: ♪ WELL, WHO REALLY

♪ IS NOT THE SAME AS HIS ♪ Both: ♪ WELL, WHO REALLY CARES? ♪

Both: ♪ WELL, WHO REALLY CARES? ♪ ♪ WHEN GUNS ARE LOADED ♪

CARES? ♪ ♪ WHEN GUNS ARE LOADED ♪ ♪ GRENADES EXPLODING ♪

♪ WHEN GUNS ARE LOADED ♪ ♪ GRENADES EXPLODING ♪ ♪ AND BOMBS IMPLODING ♪

♪ GRENADES EXPLODING ♪ ♪ AND BOMBS IMPLODING ♪ ♪ OH, POO! ♪

♪ AND BOMBS IMPLODING ♪ ♪ OH, POO! ♪ All: ♪ 'CAUSE AMMUNITION'S

♪ OH, POO! ♪ All: ♪ 'CAUSE AMMUNITION'S SHIM-SHAM-UNITITION ♪

All: ♪ 'CAUSE AMMUNITION'S SHIM-SHAM-UNITITION ♪ ♪ IT'S TRUE ♪

SHIM-SHAM-UNITITION ♪ ♪ IT'S TRUE ♪ THE BOMB.

♪ IT'S TRUE ♪ THE BOMB. HOW CAN I STOP IT?

THE BOMB. HOW CAN I STOP IT? MORSE CODE.

HOW CAN I STOP IT? MORSE CODE. USE YOUR RADIO, MAN, YOUR RADIO.

MORSE CODE. USE YOUR RADIO, MAN, YOUR RADIO. THE MORSE CODE THINGY.

USE YOUR RADIO, MAN, YOUR RADIO. THE MORSE CODE THINGY. WHAT?

THE MORSE CODE THINGY. WHAT? IT'S BROKEN.

WHAT? IT'S BROKEN. OH, NO.

IT'S BROKEN. OH, NO. WHAT ABOUT THE RADIO?

OH, NO. WHAT ABOUT THE RADIO? DOES THE RADIO WORK?

WHAT ABOUT THE RADIO? DOES THE RADIO WORK? YES.

DOES THE RADIO WORK? YES. OH, WELL, THEN, I KNOW HOW TO

YES. OH, WELL, THEN, I KNOW HOW TO GET THE MESSAGE THROUGH.

All: ♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN THAN HATIN' ♪ ♪ SO WE'LL GET OUT THERE

THAN HATIN' ♪ ♪ SO WE'LL GET OUT THERE AND TRY ♪

♪ SO WE'LL GET OUT THERE AND TRY ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL

AND TRY ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. "H-I" ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. "H-I" ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL

U.S.A. "H-I" ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL

U.S.A. ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A. ♪ All: ♪ "H-I" ♪

U.S.A. ♪ All: ♪ "H-I" ♪ THAT'S VERY GOOD.

GOOD WORK. SAY, WHAT WAS THAT SILLY WAR ABOUT ANYWAY?

SAY, WHAT WAS THAT SILLY WAR ABOUT ANYWAY? I DON'T SEEM TO REMEMBER,

ABOUT ANYWAY? I DON'T SEEM TO REMEMBER, MOBUTU.

I DON'T SEEM TO REMEMBER, MOBUTU. AMBASSADOR BLACK, I COULDN'T

MOBUTU. AMBASSADOR BLACK, I COULDN'T FIND YOUR DOLLY ANYWHERE NEAR

AMBASSADOR BLACK, I COULDN'T FIND YOUR DOLLY ANYWHERE NEAR THAT TREE.

FIND YOUR DOLLY ANYWHERE NEAR THAT TREE. OH, WELL.

THAT TREE. OH, WELL. I JUST THINK...

OH, WELL. I JUST THINK... OH, MY GOODNESS.

I JUST THINK... OH, MY GOODNESS. WHAT A SILLY I AM.

OH, MY GOODNESS. WHAT A SILLY I AM. SHE WAS HERE ALL THE TIME.

LAST WEEK I TOOK GARY WEIS BACK TO UNCLE CHARLIE LOWE'S SCHOOL, WHERE UNCLE CHARLIE

BACK TO UNCLE CHARLIE LOWE'S SCHOOL, WHERE UNCLE CHARLIE TEACHES LITTLE KIDS LIKE ME

SCHOOL, WHERE UNCLE CHARLIE TEACHES LITTLE KIDS LIKE ME DICTION AND PERSONALITY AND HOW

TEACHES LITTLE KIDS LIKE ME DICTION AND PERSONALITY AND HOW TO TAP AND HOW TO GET ON NETWORK

DICTION AND PERSONALITY AND HOW TO TAP AND HOW TO GET ON NETWORK TELEVISION, SO HERE'S THIS

TO TAP AND HOW TO GET ON NETWORK TELEVISION, SO HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS.

TELEVISION, SO HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, CHARLIE,

WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, CHARLIE, I'D LIKE YOU TO FIX UP HIS

SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, CHARLIE, I'D LIKE YOU TO FIX UP HIS DICTION.

I'D LIKE YOU TO FIX UP HIS DICTION. HE TALKS WITH MARBLES IN HIS

DICTION. HE TALKS WITH MARBLES IN HIS MOUTH."

HE TALKS WITH MARBLES IN HIS MOUTH." SO I SAID, "HE'LL SING."

MOUTH." SO I SAID, "HE'LL SING." "OH," SHE SAID, "HE'LL NEVER

SO I SAID, "HE'LL SING." "OH," SHE SAID, "HE'LL NEVER SING AND DANCE."

"OH," SHE SAID, "HE'LL NEVER SING AND DANCE." AND YOU BECAME A WONDER.

SING AND DANCE." AND YOU BECAME A WONDER. TOE, HOP, SMILE.

AND YOU BECAME A WONDER. TOE, HOP, SMILE. THAT'S IT.

TOE, HOP, SMILE. THAT'S IT. STAMP, HOP.

THAT'S IT. STAMP, HOP. THAT'S IT.

STAMP, HOP. THAT'S IT. GOT TO STAY IN THE LINE.

THAT'S IT. GOT TO STAY IN THE LINE. HOP, STAMP.

GOT TO STAY IN THE LINE. HOP, STAMP. GREAT.

HOP, STAMP. GREAT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

GREAT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S FINE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S FINE. ♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM DA-DUM

THAT'S FINE. ♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM DA-DUM DA-DUM ♪

♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM DA-DUM DA-DUM ♪ ♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM ♪

DA-DUM ♪ ♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM ♪ ♪ THE MORNING ♪

♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM ♪ ♪ THE MORNING ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR

♪ THE MORNING ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR AL JOLSON SING A SONG OR TWO? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR AL JOLSON SING A SONG OR TWO? ♪ Both: SURE.

AL JOLSON SING A SONG OR TWO? ♪ Both: SURE. ♪ LET'S GO BACK TO 1922 ♪

Both: SURE. ♪ LET'S GO BACK TO 1922 ♪ HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE... I

♪ LET'S GO BACK TO 1922 ♪ HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE... I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE... I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT, YEAH?

THINK THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT, YEAH? ♪ MAMMY ♪

YEAH? ♪ MAMMY ♪ ♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪ ♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪ ♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪ ♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪ ♪ I KNOW WHERE THE SUN SHINES

♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪ ♪ I KNOW WHERE THE SUN SHINES BEST ♪

♪ I KNOW WHERE THE SUN SHINES BEST ♪ ♪ MAMMY ♪

BEST ♪ ♪ MAMMY ♪ GIVE IT, NOW, LIKE...

♪ MAMMY ♪ GIVE IT, NOW, LIKE... ♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪

GIVE IT, NOW, LIKE... ♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪ OKAY, ENOUGH OF JOLSON.

♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪ OKAY, ENOUGH OF JOLSON. NOW LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO CANTOR.

OKAY, ENOUGH OF JOLSON. NOW LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO CANTOR. WILL YOU TAKE CANTOR?

NOW LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO CANTOR. WILL YOU TAKE CANTOR? ALL RIGHT.

WILL YOU TAKE CANTOR? ALL RIGHT. ♪ IF YOU KNEW SUZIE LIKE I

ALL RIGHT. ♪ IF YOU KNEW SUZIE LIKE I KNOW SUZIE ♪

♪ IF YOU KNEW SUZIE LIKE I KNOW SUZIE ♪ ♪ OH, OH, OH, WHAT A GAL ♪

KNOW SUZIE ♪ ♪ OH, OH, OH, WHAT A GAL ♪ ♪ THERE'S NONE SO CLASSY AS THIS

♪ OH, OH, OH, WHAT A GAL ♪ ♪ THERE'S NONE SO CLASSY AS THIS FAIR LASSIE ♪

♪ THERE'S NONE SO CLASSY AS THIS FAIR LASSIE ♪ ♪ OH, OH, HOLY MOSES,

FAIR LASSIE ♪ ♪ OH, OH, HOLY MOSES, WHAT A CHASSIS ♪

♪ OH, OH, HOLY MOSES, WHAT A CHASSIS ♪ ♪ I HAD A MOUSTACHE

WHAT A CHASSIS ♪ ♪ I HAD A MOUSTACHE CUTE AS A PUP ♪

♪ I HAD A MOUSTACHE CUTE AS A PUP ♪ OKAY, NEVER MIND FOR CANTOR.

CUTE AS A PUP ♪ OKAY, NEVER MIND FOR CANTOR. CAN YOU DO MIRANDA, PLEASE?

OKAY, NEVER MIND FOR CANTOR. CAN YOU DO MIRANDA, PLEASE? GO.

CAN YOU DO MIRANDA, PLEASE? GO. ♪ I-I-I-I LIKE YOU

GO. ♪ I-I-I-I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH ♪ ♪ I-I-I-I THINK YOU'RE GRAND ♪

VERY MUCH ♪ ♪ I-I-I-I THINK YOU'RE GRAND ♪ ♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY IS IT,

♪ I-I-I-I THINK YOU'RE GRAND ♪ ♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY IS IT, WHEN I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪

♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY IS IT, WHEN I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪ OKAY.

WHEN I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪ OKAY. SEE, THESE ARE OLD-TIMERS.

OKAY. SEE, THESE ARE OLD-TIMERS. YOU WERE GREAT STARS.

SEE, THESE ARE OLD-TIMERS. YOU WERE GREAT STARS. ♪ WILL YOU TAKE THE FINGER

YOU WERE GREAT STARS. ♪ WILL YOU TAKE THE FINGER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪

♪ WILL YOU TAKE THE FINGER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪ GOOD.

OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪ GOOD. ♪ YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OVER 2 ♪

GOOD. ♪ YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OVER 2 ♪ ♪ A CANDY KISS IS SWEET,

♪ YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OVER 2 ♪ ♪ A CANDY KISS IS SWEET, YOU SEE ♪

♪ A CANDY KISS IS SWEET, YOU SEE ♪ ♪ BUT WAIT TILL YOU GET A KISS

YOU SEE ♪ ♪ BUT WAIT TILL YOU GET A KISS FROM ME ♪

♪ BUT WAIT TILL YOU GET A KISS FROM ME ♪ ♪ WILL YOU TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT

FROM ME ♪ ♪ WILL YOU TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪

♪ WILL YOU TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪ ♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU,

OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪ ♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, YOU MEANIE ♪

♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, YOU MEANIE ♪ ♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, SEE ♪

YOU MEANIE ♪ ♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, SEE ♪ THAT WAS VERY, VERY CUTE.

♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, SEE ♪ THAT WAS VERY, VERY CUTE. NOW GO BACK IN LINE.

THAT WAS VERY, VERY CUTE. NOW GO BACK IN LINE. THE MADEMOISELLE SENDS THIS

NOW GO BACK IN LINE. THE MADEMOISELLE SENDS THIS NOTE TO YOU.

THE MADEMOISELLE SENDS THIS NOTE TO YOU. THANK YOU, CUTIE.

NOTE TO YOU. THANK YOU, CUTIE. WHO ARE YOU?

THANK YOU, CUTIE. WHO ARE YOU? I'M THE FRENCHY MAID, MARIE.

WHO ARE YOU? I'M THE FRENCHY MAID, MARIE. BELIEVE ME, YOU LOOK GOOD TO

I'M THE FRENCHY MAID, MARIE. BELIEVE ME, YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME.

BELIEVE ME, YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME. UNH-UNH, MONSIEUR, DON'T DO

ME. UNH-UNH, MONSIEUR, DON'T DO THAT, PLEASE.

UNH-UNH, MONSIEUR, DON'T DO THAT, PLEASE. AW, JUST ONE LITTLE SQUEEZE.

THAT, PLEASE. AW, JUST ONE LITTLE SQUEEZE. DON'T DO THAT.

AW, JUST ONE LITTLE SQUEEZE. DON'T DO THAT. WHY?

DON'T DO THAT. WHY? ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WHY? ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. KIDS, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DID

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. KIDS, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DID IN SHOW BUSINESS 60 YEARS AGO.

KIDS, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DID IN SHOW BUSINESS 60 YEARS AGO. Both: ♪ AND NOW SHE'S IN THE

IN SHOW BUSINESS 60 YEARS AGO. Both: ♪ AND NOW SHE'S IN THE FOLLIES ♪

Both: ♪ AND NOW SHE'S IN THE FOLLIES ♪ ♪ A CHORUS GIRL, OF COURSE ♪

FOLLIES ♪ ♪ A CHORUS GIRL, OF COURSE ♪ ♪ SHE DANCES LIKE A PONY ♪

♪ A CHORUS GIRL, OF COURSE ♪ ♪ SHE DANCES LIKE A PONY ♪ ♪ BUT SHE EATS JUST LIKE

♪ SHE DANCES LIKE A PONY ♪ ♪ BUT SHE EATS JUST LIKE A HORSE ♪

♪ BUT SHE EATS JUST LIKE A HORSE ♪ YOU REMEMBER THAT, HUH?

A HORSE ♪ YOU REMEMBER THAT, HUH? OH, CHARLIE, MY DICTION.

Announcer: AND NOW, THE BEES PRESENT... WITH STARS...

SO, ED CAME HOME DRUNK THE OTHER NIGHT, ALICE, AND HE STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT ALL HIS

OTHER NIGHT, ALICE, AND HE STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT ALL HIS OLD GIRLFRIENDS.

STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT ALL HIS OLD GIRLFRIENDS. DO YOU KNOW THAT ED'S FIRST

OLD GIRLFRIENDS. DO YOU KNOW THAT ED'S FIRST LOVER WAS A FLY?

DO YOU KNOW THAT ED'S FIRST LOVER WAS A FLY? GEE, TRIXIE, I CAN'T SEE ED

LOVER WAS A FLY? GEE, TRIXIE, I CAN'T SEE ED WITH A FLY.

GEE, TRIXIE, I CAN'T SEE ED WITH A FLY. THEY'RE USUALLY SO COLD AND

WITH A FLY. THEY'RE USUALLY SO COLD AND CLOSED.

THEY'RE USUALLY SO COLD AND CLOSED. WELL, ED'S FLY WAS OPEN.

CLOSED. WELL, ED'S FLY WAS OPEN. DID THE TEA HELP YOUR STOMACH?

WELL, ED'S FLY WAS OPEN. DID THE TEA HELP YOUR STOMACH? I DON'T KNOW.

DID THE TEA HELP YOUR STOMACH? I DON'T KNOW. I STILL FEEL SO NAUSEOUS.

I DON'T KNOW. I STILL FEEL SO NAUSEOUS. I THINK I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN

I STILL FEEL SO NAUSEOUS. I THINK I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN FOR A WHILE.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN FOR A WHILE. WELL, THAT'S JUST AS WELL.

FOR A WHILE. WELL, THAT'S JUST AS WELL. I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FINISH

WELL, THAT'S JUST AS WELL. I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FINISH MAKING ED'S DINNER.

I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FINISH MAKING ED'S DINNER. OH, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING FOR

MAKING ED'S DINNER. OH, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING FOR DINNER?

OH, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING FOR DINNER? ROSE HIPS.

DINNER? ROSE HIPS. OH.

ROSE HIPS. OH. OKAY, TRIXIE.

OH. OKAY, TRIXIE. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

OKAY, TRIXIE. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. TAKE CARE, HONEY.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. TAKE CARE, HONEY. OKAY.

ALICE! ALICE, I'M HOME. I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, RALPH.

ALICE, I'M HOME. I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, RALPH. OW!

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, RALPH. OW! OW!

OW! OW! WHOA!

OW! WHOA! AAGH!

WHOA! AAGH! WHOA!

AAGH! WHOA! AAGH!

WHOA! AAGH! WHOA! AGH!

AAGH! WHOA! AGH! ALICE!

WHOA! AGH! ALICE! ALICE!

ALICE! ALICE! NNGH!

ALICE! NNGH! AAAGH!

NNGH! AAAGH! WHAT'S THE MATTER, RALPH?

AAAGH! WHAT'S THE MATTER, RALPH? WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, RALPH? WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? YOUR KNITTIN' NEEDLES.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? YOUR KNITTIN' NEEDLES. THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME.

YOUR KNITTIN' NEEDLES. THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME. LOOK, GET 'EM OUT, WILL YA?

THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME. LOOK, GET 'EM OUT, WILL YA? WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THE GUYS

LOOK, GET 'EM OUT, WILL YA? WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THE GUYS DOWN AT THE RACCOON LODGE?

WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THE GUYS DOWN AT THE RACCOON LODGE? WHAT ARE THEY GONNA THINK?

DOWN AT THE RACCOON LODGE? WHAT ARE THEY GONNA THINK? WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM YOU

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA THINK? WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM YOU SWALLOWED A PORCUPINE?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM YOU SWALLOWED A PORCUPINE? HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR.

SWALLOWED A PORCUPINE? HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR. HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR, ALICE.

HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR. HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR, ALICE. YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, ALICE.

HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR, ALICE. YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, ALICE. YOU'RE REALLY A RIOT, ALICE.

YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, ALICE. YOU'RE REALLY A RIOT, ALICE. YOU'RE GONNA GO PLACES, ALICE.

YOU'RE REALLY A RIOT, ALICE. YOU'RE GONNA GO PLACES, ALICE. YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GO,

YOU'RE GONNA GO PLACES, ALICE. YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GO, ALICE?

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GO, ALICE? TO THE MOON, ALICE!

ALICE? TO THE MOON, ALICE! NO, RALPH, I'M GONNA GO INTO

TO THE MOON, ALICE! NO, RALPH, I'M GONNA GO INTO THE BEDROOM.

NO, RALPH, I'M GONNA GO INTO THE BEDROOM. I FEEL NAUSEOUS.

THE BEDROOM. I FEEL NAUSEOUS. OH.

I FEEL NAUSEOUS. OH. BANG! ZOOM!

OH. BANG! ZOOM! OH, AGGH!

BANG! ZOOM! OH, AGGH! HEY, NORTON.

OH, AGGH! HEY, NORTON. HEY, RALPHIE BEE.

HEY, NORTON. HEY, RALPHIE BEE. NORTON...

HEY, RALPHIE BEE. NORTON... NORTON, GET THESE THINGS OUT

NORTON... NORTON, GET THESE THINGS OUT OF ME.

NORTON, GET THESE THINGS OUT OF ME. RALPH, WITH THOSE KNITTIN'

OF ME. RALPH, WITH THOSE KNITTIN' NEEDLES STICKIN' OUT OF YOU, YOU

RALPH, WITH THOSE KNITTIN' NEEDLES STICKIN' OUT OF YOU, YOU LOOK A BIT LIKE A GEISHA SCHOOL

NEEDLES STICKIN' OUT OF YOU, YOU LOOK A BIT LIKE A GEISHA SCHOOL BUS.

LOOK A BIT LIKE A GEISHA SCHOOL BUS. COME ON!

BUS. COME ON! GET 'EM OUT OF ME.

COME ON! GET 'EM OUT OF ME. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE.

GET 'EM OUT OF ME. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE. I'M JUST HERE TO HELP.

WILL YOU COME ON?! GET 'EM OUT OF ME. OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE.

GET 'EM OUT OF ME. OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE. TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY.

OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE. TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY. AAAAGH!

TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY. AAAAGH! OH!

AAAAGH! OH! HERE THEY ARE, RALPH.

OH! HERE THEY ARE, RALPH. GIVE ME THOSE.

HERE THEY ARE, RALPH. GIVE ME THOSE. YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

GIVE ME THOSE. YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOIN'

YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOIN' ON AROUND HERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOIN' ON AROUND HERE. I FIND THESE KNITTIN' NEEDLES

ON AROUND HERE. I FIND THESE KNITTIN' NEEDLES AROUND HERE, AND ALICE SAYS

I FIND THESE KNITTIN' NEEDLES AROUND HERE, AND ALICE SAYS SHE'S ALWAYS NAUSEOUS ALL THE

AROUND HERE, AND ALICE SAYS SHE'S ALWAYS NAUSEOUS ALL THE TIME.

SHE'S ALWAYS NAUSEOUS ALL THE TIME. KNITTIN' NEEDLES AND SHE'S

TIME. KNITTIN' NEEDLES AND SHE'S NAUSEOUS?

KNITTIN' NEEDLES AND SHE'S NAUSEOUS? YEAH, SHE'S NAUSEOUS.

NAUSEOUS? YEAH, SHE'S NAUSEOUS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,

YEAH, SHE'S NAUSEOUS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RALPHIE BOY?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RALPHIE BOY? A LITTLE DRONE.

RALPHIE BOY? A LITTLE DRONE. A WORKER, RALPHIE, MAYBE EVEN A

A LITTLE DRONE. A WORKER, RALPHIE, MAYBE EVEN A QUEEN.

A WORKER, RALPHIE, MAYBE EVEN A QUEEN. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, RALPHIE BOY,

QUEEN. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, RALPHIE BOY, CONGRATULATIONS.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, RALPHIE BOY, CONGRATULATIONS. MY RALPHIE'S GONNA HAVE A

CONGRATULATIONS. MY RALPHIE'S GONNA HAVE A WORKER.

MY RALPHIE'S GONNA HAVE A WORKER. NORTON.

WORKER. NORTON. NORTON.

NORTON. NORTON. OLD PAL OF MINE, OLD BUDDY OF

NORTON. OLD PAL OF MINE, OLD BUDDY OF MINE, NORTON, MY ALICE IS

OLD PAL OF MINE, OLD BUDDY OF MINE, NORTON, MY ALICE IS PREGNANT WITH A LITTLE RALPH.

MINE, NORTON, MY ALICE IS PREGNANT WITH A LITTLE RALPH. I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN

PREGNANT WITH A LITTLE RALPH. I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN YOU, RALPH.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN YOU, RALPH. GET OUT OF HERE!

YOU, RALPH. GET OUT OF HERE! I'M LEAVIN'.

GET OUT OF HERE! I'M LEAVIN'. [MUTTERING]

I'M LEAVIN'. [MUTTERING] ALICE?

[MUTTERING] ALICE? UH, ALICE, SWEETIE?

ALICE? UH, ALICE, SWEETIE? ALICE...

UH, ALICE, SWEETIE? ALICE... ALICE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE

ALICE... ALICE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE WAS HAVIN' A BABY?

ALICE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE WAS HAVIN' A BABY? BECAUSE, RALPH, IT'S NOT

WAS HAVIN' A BABY? BECAUSE, RALPH, IT'S NOT YOURS.

BECAUSE, RALPH, IT'S NOT YOURS. IT'S ED NORTON'S.

YOURS. IT'S ED NORTON'S. BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LEON REDBONE WITH JONATHAN DORN.

GENTLEMEN, LEON REDBONE WITH JONATHAN DORN. [APPLAUSE]

JONATHAN DORN. [APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "MY WALKING

[APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "MY WALKING STICK" PLAYS]

♪ WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK, I'D GO INSANE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LOOK MY BEST ♪

I'D GO INSANE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LOOK MY BEST ♪ ♪ I FEEL UNDRESSED

♪ I CAN'T LOOK MY BEST ♪ ♪ I FEEL UNDRESSED WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ I FEEL UNDRESSED WITHOUT MY CANE ♪ ♪ MUST HAVE MY WALKING STICK

WITHOUT MY CANE ♪ ♪ MUST HAVE MY WALKING STICK 'CAUSE IT MAY RAIN ♪

♪ MUST HAVE MY WALKING STICK 'CAUSE IT MAY RAIN ♪ ♪ WHEN IT POURS ♪

'CAUSE IT MAY RAIN ♪ ♪ WHEN IT POURS ♪ ♪ CAN'T BE OUTDOORS

♪ WHEN IT POURS ♪ ♪ CAN'T BE OUTDOORS WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ CAN'T BE OUTDOORS WITHOUT MY CANE ♪ ♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE

WITHOUT MY CANE ♪ ♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪

♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪ ♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING

WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪ ♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪

♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME

I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪

♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪ ♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE

CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪ ♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪ ♪ DROP-DE-DOP-DOP-A-DUM ♪

CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪ ♪ DROP-DE-DOP-DOP-A-DUM ♪ ♪ DROP-BE-BOP-A-BUM ♪

♪ DROP-DE-DOP-DOP-A-DUM ♪ ♪ DROP-BE-BOP-A-BUM ♪ ♪ DE-DE-DE-DO ♪

♪ DROP-BE-BOP-A-BUM ♪ ♪ DE-DE-DE-DO ♪ ♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪

♪ DE-DE-DE-DO ♪ ♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ DOOT-DE-DO-DO ♪

♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ DOOT-DE-DO-DO ♪ ♪ RA-DA-DA-DA ♪

♪ DOOT-DE-DO-DO ♪ ♪ RA-DA-DA-DA ♪ ♪ RUMP-DE-DOP-DUM-BA-DUM ♪

♪ RA-DA-DA-DA ♪ ♪ RUMP-DE-DOP-DUM-BA-DUM ♪ ♪ DROP-DE-BA-DE-DUM ♪

♪ RUMP-DE-DOP-DUM-BA-DUM ♪ ♪ DROP-DE-BA-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ DE-DE-DUM ♪

♪ DROP-DE-BA-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ DE-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪

♪ DE-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ ROOT-DE-DE-DA ♪

♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪ ♪ ROOT-DE-DE-DA ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DA-DO ♪

♪ ROOT-DE-DE-DA ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DA-DO ♪ ♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE

♪ DO-DO-DA-DO ♪ ♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪

♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪ ♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING

WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪ ♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪

♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME

I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪

♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪ ♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE

CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪ ♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

[FINALE PLAYS]

[DOORBELL RINGS] Announcer: YOU'RE MOVING... SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS...

Announcer: YOU'RE MOVING... SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS... LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW

SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS... LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW ONES.

LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW ONES. IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A

ONES. IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A PLACE YOU LOVE.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A PLACE YOU LOVE. WE UNDERSTAND.

PLACE YOU LOVE. WE UNDERSTAND. THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF

WE UNDERSTAND. THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST.

THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST. AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE

THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST. AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT.

AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT. WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS

BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT. WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT

WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT BELONGED TO US.

TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT BELONGED TO US. WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED

BELONGED TO US. WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY

WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE.

POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE. AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE

DESERVE. AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD REACHES ITS

AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD REACHES ITS DESTINATION IN ONE PIECE.

AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE

DON'T MOVE FURNITURE, WE MOVE

PEOPLE.

AND NOW IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU MR. HARLAN COLLINS AND

INTRODUCE TO YOU MR. HARLAN COLLINS AND MISS JOYCE EVERSON.

MR. HARLAN COLLINS AND MISS JOYCE EVERSON. ♪ WHEN YOU TURNED

MISS JOYCE EVERSON. ♪ WHEN YOU TURNED AND YOU WALKED AWAY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU TURNED AND YOU WALKED AWAY ♪ ♪ I KNEW YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD,

AND YOU WALKED AWAY ♪ ♪ I KNEW YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD, BUT IT WAS HARD TO SWALLOW ♪

♪ I KNEW YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD, BUT IT WAS HARD TO SWALLOW ♪ ♪ NOW, MUCH TOO LATE,

BUT IT WAS HARD TO SWALLOW ♪ ♪ NOW, MUCH TOO LATE, I UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ NOW, MUCH TOO LATE, I UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ I MISSED MY CHANCE TO BE A MAN

I UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ I MISSED MY CHANCE TO BE A MAN AND FOLLOW ♪

♪ I MISSED MY CHANCE TO BE A MAN AND FOLLOW ♪ Both: ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

AND FOLLOW ♪ Both: ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

Both: ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪ ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪ ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ MONEY DOWN

♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ MONEY DOWN AND I TOOK MY CHANCE ♪

♪ MONEY DOWN AND I TOOK MY CHANCE ♪ ♪ TO STAND IN THE CORNER

AND I TOOK MY CHANCE ♪ ♪ TO STAND IN THE CORNER OR JOIN IN THE DANCE ♪

♪ TO STAND IN THE CORNER OR JOIN IN THE DANCE ♪ ♪ WITH YOU, BABY ♪

OR JOIN IN THE DANCE ♪ ♪ WITH YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ BUT I SIDESTEPPED

♪ WITH YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ BUT I SIDESTEPPED 'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪

♪ BUT I SIDESTEPPED 'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ I WAS HEADED DOWN THE STEPS

'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ I WAS HEADED DOWN THE STEPS AND OUT THE DOOR AGAIN ♪

♪ I WAS HEADED DOWN THE STEPS AND OUT THE DOOR AGAIN ♪ ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

AND OUT THE DOOR AGAIN ♪ ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ MAYBE THAT'S

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ AND NOW I'M SITTIN'

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ AND NOW I'M SITTIN' EVERY NIGHT ♪

♪ AND NOW I'M SITTIN' EVERY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I WONDER WHERE YOU WENT

EVERY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I WONDER WHERE YOU WENT WITH ALL OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ I WONDER WHERE YOU WENT WITH ALL OF MY LIFE ♪ ♪ I NEVER REALLY

WITH ALL OF MY LIFE ♪ ♪ I NEVER REALLY MEANT TO FIGHT ♪

♪ I NEVER REALLY MEANT TO FIGHT ♪ ♪ BUT YOU HELD ME

MEANT TO FIGHT ♪ ♪ BUT YOU HELD ME MUCH TOO TIGHT ♪

♪ BUT YOU HELD ME MUCH TOO TIGHT ♪ ♪ SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S

MUCH TOO TIGHT ♪ ♪ SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ MAYBE THAT'S

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF YOUR PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF YOUR PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF YOUR PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ WHEN I SPEAK,

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ WHEN I SPEAK, AN ECHO CALLS ♪

♪ WHEN I SPEAK, AN ECHO CALLS ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST MY LONELY VOICE

AN ECHO CALLS ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST MY LONELY VOICE AGAINST THE FOUR WALLS ♪

♪ IT'S JUST MY LONELY VOICE AGAINST THE FOUR WALLS ♪ ♪ HE WHO HESITATES STALLS ♪

AGAINST THE FOUR WALLS ♪ ♪ HE WHO HESITATES STALLS ♪ ♪ IT'S HE WHO FAILS AND FALLS ♪

♪ HE WHO HESITATES STALLS ♪ ♪ IT'S HE WHO FAILS AND FALLS ♪ ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

♪ IT'S HE WHO FAILS AND FALLS ♪ ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ MAYBE THAT'S

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND ♪

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND ♪ ♪ THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND ♪ ♪ THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

♪ THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ I SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ ♪ I SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ I SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪ ♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND, THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪ ♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪ Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪ [APPLAUSE]

WELL, FOLKS, THAT'S ALL FOR TONIGHT. WE'RE GOIN' AWAY FOR SOME

TONIGHT. WE'RE GOIN' AWAY FOR SOME VACATION TIME, BUT DON'T WORRY.

WE'RE GOIN' AWAY FOR SOME VACATION TIME, BUT DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE GONNA RERUN SOME OF OUR

VACATION TIME, BUT DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE GONNA RERUN SOME OF OUR OLD SHOWS LATER ON IN THE

THEY'RE GONNA RERUN SOME OF OUR OLD SHOWS LATER ON IN THE SEASON, AND WE'RE GONNA BE BACK

OLD SHOWS LATER ON IN THE SEASON, AND WE'RE GONNA BE BACK ON JULY 24th WITH LOUISE LASSER.

SEASON, AND WE'RE GONNA BE BACK ON JULY 24th WITH LOUISE LASSER. UNTIL THEN, WE JUST WANT TO

ON JULY 24th WITH LOUISE LASSER. UNTIL THEN, WE JUST WANT TO SAY...

UNTIL THEN, WE JUST WANT TO SAY... All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

SAY... All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪ ♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪

All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪ ♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪ COME ON.

♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪ COME ON. All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

COME ON. All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪ ♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪

All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪ ♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪ ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪ ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪ ♪ TILL WE MEET AGAIN ♪

♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪ ♪ TILL WE MEET AGAIN ♪ EVERYBODY.

♪ TILL WE MEET AGAIN ♪ EVERYBODY. All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪

♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪

Announcer: OTHERS IN

TONIGHT'S CAST WERE

CARRIE BARNES, DORIS PAUL,

RONALD RAFORT, AND

AKIRA YOSHIMURA.

THE RACK OF CLOTHING WAS FROM

PLYMOUTH SHOPS.

NEXT SATURDAY, WATCH NBC'S

"WEEKEND" WITH LLOYD DOBYNS.

TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT,

ROBERT KLEIN HOSTS

"SATURDAY NIGHT."

THIS IS DON PARDO, AND I WOULD

RATHER BE AN ANNOUNCER THAN

ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WIDE

WORLD, EXCEPT MAYBE A FARMER OR

A COWBOY, AN INDIAN, AN

ASTRONAUT, OR A FOREST RANGER, A

REINDEER, A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR,

OR A HORSEY OR LION TAMER... OR A

TUNA-FISH SANDWICH.

EH, I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.