Original subtitles

AND NOW OUR FINAL CATEGORY. IN THE CATEGORY OF BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A

IN THE CATEGORY OF BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN, THE NOMINEES

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN, THE NOMINEES ARE...

POLITICAL CAMPAIGN, THE NOMINEES ARE... JIMMY CARTER, FOR HIS USE OF THE

ARE... JIMMY CARTER, FOR HIS USE OF THE TERM "ETHNIC PURITY"...

JIMMY CARTER, FOR HIS USE OF THE TERM "ETHNIC PURITY"... HENRY JACKSON, FOR THE MOST

TERM "ETHNIC PURITY"... HENRY JACKSON, FOR THE MOST FORGETTABLE STANCE ON ANY

HENRY JACKSON, FOR THE MOST FORGETTABLE STANCE ON ANY ISSUE...

FORGETTABLE STANCE ON ANY ISSUE... RONALD REAGAN, FOR NOT MAKING

ISSUE... RONALD REAGAN, FOR NOT MAKING ANY MORE MOVIES...

RONALD REAGAN, FOR NOT MAKING ANY MORE MOVIES... GERALD FORD, FOR SHORTENING THE

ANY MORE MOVIES... GERALD FORD, FOR SHORTENING THE NATION'S ATTENTION SPAN...

GERALD FORD, FOR SHORTENING THE NATION'S ATTENTION SPAN... GEORGE WALLACE, FOR HIS UNDYING

NATION'S ATTENTION SPAN... GEORGE WALLACE, FOR HIS UNDYING DEVOTION TO CIVIL RIGHTS...

GEORGE WALLACE, FOR HIS UNDYING DEVOTION TO CIVIL RIGHTS... MORRIS UDALL, FOR HIS CLEVER

DEVOTION TO CIVIL RIGHTS... MORRIS UDALL, FOR HIS CLEVER CHOICE OF THE NAME "MO"...

MORRIS UDALL, FOR HIS CLEVER CHOICE OF THE NAME "MO"... HUBERT HUMPHREY, FOR HIS NEW,

CHOICE OF THE NAME "MO"... HUBERT HUMPHREY, FOR HIS NEW, FRESH, YOUNG IDEALISM...

HUBERT HUMPHREY, FOR HIS NEW, FRESH, YOUNG IDEALISM... JERRY BROWN, FOR

FRESH, YOUNG IDEALISM... JERRY BROWN, FOR RING-AROUND-THE-COLLAR...

JERRY BROWN, FOR RING-AROUND-THE-COLLAR... AND EDWARD M. KENNEDY, FOR HIS

RING-AROUND-THE-COLLAR... AND EDWARD M. KENNEDY, FOR HIS FIRM DECISION NOT TO RUN...

AND EDWARD M. KENNEDY, FOR HIS FIRM DECISION NOT TO RUN... YET.

FIRM DECISION NOT TO RUN... YET. MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE?

YET. MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE? THANK YOU.

MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE? THANK YOU. AND THE WINNER IS...

THANK YOU. AND THE WINNER IS... WHAT IS THIS?

AND THE WINNER IS... WHAT IS THIS? "GET TO THE FALL, CHEVY."

WHAT IS THIS? "GET TO THE FALL, CHEVY." [LAUGHTER]

"GET TO THE FALL, CHEVY." [LAUGHTER] I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

[LAUGHTER] I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. UH, LOOK, I WROTE... EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. UH, LOOK, I WROTE... EXCUSE ME. I WROTE THIS PIECE.

UH, LOOK, I WROTE... EXCUSE ME. I WROTE THIS PIECE. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE

I WROTE THIS PIECE. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE PUNCH LINE TO THE PIECE... THE

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE PUNCH LINE TO THE PIECE... THE PUNCH LINE ON THE CARD.

PUNCH LINE TO THE PIECE... THE PUNCH LINE ON THE CARD. I'M A WRITER.

PUNCH LINE ON THE CARD. I'M A WRITER. I'M NOT JUST THE GUY WHO FALLS

I'M A WRITER. I'M NOT JUST THE GUY WHO FALLS AND DOES THE... NEWSCASTER.

I'M NOT JUST THE GUY WHO FALLS AND DOES THE... NEWSCASTER. AND FRANKLY, I'M HURT, AND I

AND DOES THE... NEWSCASTER. AND FRANKLY, I'M HURT, AND I DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY.

AND FRANKLY, I'M HURT, AND I DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY. AND, UH, I MEAN, I'M A POLITICAL

DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY. AND, UH, I MEAN, I'M A POLITICAL SATIRIST, NOT SOME GUY WHO JUST

AND, UH, I MEAN, I'M A POLITICAL SATIRIST, NOT SOME GUY WHO JUST FALLS FOR YOU GUYS AROUND HERE,

SATIRIST, NOT SOME GUY WHO JUST FALLS FOR YOU GUYS AROUND HERE, PRODUCER LORNE MICHAELS.

FALLS FOR YOU GUYS AROUND HERE, PRODUCER LORNE MICHAELS. AND I'D LIKE THE CORRECT CARD IN

PRODUCER LORNE MICHAELS. AND I'D LIKE THE CORRECT CARD IN THE CORRECT ENVELOPE.

AND I'D LIKE THE CORRECT CARD IN THE CORRECT ENVELOPE. YOU KNOW, THERE'S A PUNCH LINE

THE CORRECT ENVELOPE. YOU KNOW, THERE'S A PUNCH LINE TO THIS SKETCH.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A PUNCH LINE TO THIS SKETCH. I'D LIKE THE RIGHT TAG, PLEASE,

TO THIS SKETCH. I'D LIKE THE RIGHT TAG, PLEASE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

I'D LIKE THE RIGHT TAG, PLEASE, IF YOU DON'T MIND. I'M SORRY.

IF YOU DON'T MIND. I'M SORRY. I'LL WAIT. I'LL WAIT.

I'M SORRY. I'LL WAIT. I'LL WAIT. I'D LIKE THE RIGHT CARD.

I'LL WAIT. I'LL WAIT. I'D LIKE THE RIGHT CARD. I'LL WAIT.

I'D LIKE THE RIGHT CARD. I'LL WAIT. SORRY TO KEEP THE COUNTRY

I'LL WAIT. SORRY TO KEEP THE COUNTRY WAITING.

SORRY TO KEEP THE COUNTRY WAITING. THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA.

WAITING. THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA. I WILL WAIT FOR THE ENVELOPE...

THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA. I WILL WAIT FOR THE ENVELOPE... FOR THE PUNCH LINE.

I WILL WAIT FOR THE ENVELOPE... FOR THE PUNCH LINE. [LAUGHTER]

FOR THE PUNCH LINE. [LAUGHTER] AND THE WINNER IS...

[LAUGHTER] AND THE WINNER IS... "DON'T STRETCH THIS OUT, CHEVY.

AND THE WINNER IS... "DON'T STRETCH THIS OUT, CHEVY. GET TO THE FALL."

"DON'T STRETCH THIS OUT, CHEVY. GET TO THE FALL." THAT IS IT!

GET TO THE FALL." THAT IS IT! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT IS IT! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] I-I'M OUT OF THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] I-I'M OUT OF THIS. I'M WALKING.

I-I'M OUT OF THIS. I'M WALKING. [LAUGHTER]

I'M WALKING. [LAUGHTER] I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER] I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I AM NOT JUST A PHYSICAL

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I AM NOT JUST A PHYSICAL COMED... TELEVISION COMEDY...

I AM NOT JUST A PHYSICAL COMED... TELEVISION COMEDY... I-I'M WALKING.

COMED... TELEVISION COMEDY... I-I'M WALKING. THANK YOU.

I-I'M WALKING. THANK YOU. I'VE LOVED DOING THE SHOW.

THANK YOU. I'VE LOVED DOING THE SHOW. YOU'RE GREAT PEOPLE.

I'VE LOVED DOING THE SHOW. YOU'RE GREAT PEOPLE. THANKS A GREAT DEAL.

YOU'RE GREAT PEOPLE. THANKS A GREAT DEAL. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS A GREAT DEAL. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS] Announcer: NBC's...

[BAND PLAYS] Announcer: NBC's... STARRING...

Announcer: NBC's... STARRING... WITH...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RAQUEL WELCH! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOO! WHOO! WELL, THANK YOU. [CLATTERING]

WELL, THANK YOU. [CLATTERING] I, UH...

[CLATTERING] I, UH... [LAUGHS]

I, UH... [LAUGHS] I SAW LAST WEEK'S SHOW, AND I

[LAUGHS] I SAW LAST WEEK'S SHOW, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FUNNY, BUT I

I SAW LAST WEEK'S SHOW, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FUNNY, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS A LITTLE LACKING

THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FUNNY, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS A LITTLE LACKING IN TASTE UNTIL I FOUND OUT WHAT

THOUGHT IT WAS A LITTLE LACKING IN TASTE UNTIL I FOUND OUT WHAT THEY PLANNED FOR ME THIS

IN TASTE UNTIL I FOUND OUT WHAT THEY PLANNED FOR ME THIS EVENING.

THEY PLANNED FOR ME THIS EVENING. WHEW.

EVENING. WHEW. [INTRO TO "SUPERSTAR" PLAYS]

WHEW. [INTRO TO "SUPERSTAR" PLAYS] HONEY, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.

[INTRO TO "SUPERSTAR" PLAYS] HONEY, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY. OH.

HONEY, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY. OH. ♪ LONG AGO

OH. ♪ LONG AGO AND, OH, SO FAR AWAY ♪

♪ LONG AGO AND, OH, SO FAR AWAY ♪ ♪ I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

AND, OH, SO FAR AWAY ♪ ♪ I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU BEFORE THE SECOND SHOW ♪

♪ I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU BEFORE THE SECOND SHOW ♪ ♪ YOUR GUITAR ♪

BEFORE THE SECOND SHOW ♪ ♪ YOUR GUITAR ♪ ♪ IT SOUNDS SO SWEET AND CLEAR ♪

♪ YOUR GUITAR ♪ ♪ IT SOUNDS SO SWEET AND CLEAR ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY HERE ♪

♪ IT SOUNDS SO SWEET AND CLEAR ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY HERE ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST THE RADIO ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY HERE ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST THE RADIO ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME

♪ IT'S JUST THE RADIO ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME, BABY? ♪

♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME, BABY? ♪ ♪ SAID YOU'D BE COMING BACK THIS

YOU LOVED ME, BABY? ♪ ♪ SAID YOU'D BE COMING BACK THIS WAY AGAIN, BABY ♪

♪ SAID YOU'D BE COMING BACK THIS WAY AGAIN, BABY ♪ ♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, OH,

WAY AGAIN, BABY ♪ ♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, OH, BABY ♪

♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, OH, BABY ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

BABY ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ I REALLY DO ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ I REALLY DO ♪ ♪ LONELINESS

♪ I REALLY DO ♪ ♪ LONELINESS IS SUCH A SAD AFFAIR ♪

♪ LONELINESS IS SUCH A SAD AFFAIR ♪ ♪ BUT I'M NOT READY

IS SUCH A SAD AFFAIR ♪ ♪ BUT I'M NOT READY TO SLEEP WITH YOU AGAIN ♪

♪ WHAT TO SAY

TO MAKE YOU COME AGAIN? ♪

♪ COME BACK AND PLAY

YOUR SAD GUITAR ♪

Both: ♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME, BABY? ♪

YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME, BABY? ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

BABY? ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ Both: ♪ SAID YOU'D BE COMING

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ Both: ♪ SAID YOU'D BE COMING BACK THIS WAY AGAIN, BABY ♪

Both: ♪ SAID YOU'D BE COMING BACK THIS WAY AGAIN, BABY ♪ ♪ OH-OH-OH-OH ♪

BACK THIS WAY AGAIN, BABY ♪ ♪ OH-OH-OH-OH ♪ Both: ♪ BABY ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH ♪ Both: ♪ BABY ♪ ♪ BABY ♪

Both: ♪ BABY ♪ ♪ BABY ♪ Both: ♪ OH, BABY ♪

♪ BABY ♪ Both: ♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, BABY ♪

Both: ♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, BABY ♪

♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ I REALLY DO ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ I REALLY DO ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪

♪ TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME,

BABY ♪

♪ OH, YEAH-AH-AH ♪

♪ YOU SAID YOU'D BE COMING BACK

THIS WAY AGAIN, BABY ♪

♪ OOH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY,

OH, BABY ♪

♪ COME ON, BABE ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ I REALLY DO ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE... I THINK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HONEY. HUH? HONEY, I'M WORRIED ABOUT OUR

HUH? HONEY, I'M WORRIED ABOUT OUR RATS.

HONEY, I'M WORRIED ABOUT OUR RATS. I MEAN, THEY SEEM SO, UH, DULL

RATS. I MEAN, THEY SEEM SO, UH, DULL AND LISTLESS.

I MEAN, THEY SEEM SO, UH, DULL AND LISTLESS. I KNOW, HONEY.

AND LISTLESS. I KNOW, HONEY. THEY'RE NOT SLEEK AND FRISKY,

I KNOW, HONEY. THEY'RE NOT SLEEK AND FRISKY, LIKE THE NEIGHBOR'S RATS NEXT

THEY'RE NOT SLEEK AND FRISKY, LIKE THE NEIGHBOR'S RATS NEXT DOOR.

LIKE THE NEIGHBOR'S RATS NEXT DOOR. YEAH, ALL THEY EVER DO

DOOR. YEAH, ALL THEY EVER DO ANYMORE IS SIT AROUND AND WATCH

YEAH, ALL THEY EVER DO ANYMORE IS SIT AROUND AND WATCH THE TV.

ANYMORE IS SIT AROUND AND WATCH THE TV. YEAH.

THE TV. YEAH. [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

YEAH. [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] WHO ARE YOU?

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] WHO ARE YOU? WHY, I'M THE PIED PIPER.

WHO ARE YOU? WHY, I'M THE PIED PIPER. ARE YOUR RODENTS GETTING ALL THE

WHY, I'M THE PIED PIPER. ARE YOUR RODENTS GETTING ALL THE NOURISHMENT THEY DESERVE?

ARE YOUR RODENTS GETTING ALL THE NOURISHMENT THEY DESERVE? WELL, NO.

NOURISHMENT THEY DESERVE? WELL, NO. THE OTHER DAY, THEY ATE MY APRON

WELL, NO. THE OTHER DAY, THEY ATE MY APRON AND PART OF THE TOASTER.

THE OTHER DAY, THEY ATE MY APRON AND PART OF THE TOASTER. YEAH, MAYBE THEY NEED A

AND PART OF THE TOASTER. YEAH, MAYBE THEY NEED A LITTLE MORE IRON.

YEAH, MAYBE THEY NEED A LITTLE MORE IRON. WELL, THEN, WHY NOT TREAT

LITTLE MORE IRON. WELL, THEN, WHY NOT TREAT THEM TODAY TO NEW

WELL, THEN, WHY NOT TREAT THEM TODAY TO NEW PURINO RAT CHOW?

THEM TODAY TO NEW PURINO RAT CHOW? WHAT RODENT COULD RESIST THESE

PURINO RAT CHOW? WHAT RODENT COULD RESIST THESE EXOTIC CHEESE FLAVORS?

WHAT RODENT COULD RESIST THESE EXOTIC CHEESE FLAVORS? GOUDA, MUENSTER, GRUYèRE, AND

EXOTIC CHEESE FLAVORS? GOUDA, MUENSTER, GRUYèRE, AND CAMEMBERT.

GOUDA, MUENSTER, GRUYèRE, AND CAMEMBERT. PURINO RAT CHOW IS FORTIFIED

CAMEMBERT. PURINO RAT CHOW IS FORTIFIED WITH ALL THE ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS

PURINO RAT CHOW IS FORTIFIED WITH ALL THE ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS GROWING YOUNG RATS NEED FOR

WITH ALL THE ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS GROWING YOUNG RATS NEED FOR GLOSSY COATS, SHARP INCISORS,

GROWING YOUNG RATS NEED FOR GLOSSY COATS, SHARP INCISORS, AND POINTY CLAWS.

GLOSSY COATS, SHARP INCISORS, AND POINTY CLAWS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND POINTY CLAWS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] SO IF YOUR RATS ARE HERE TO

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] SO IF YOUR RATS ARE HERE TO STAY, WHY NOT TREAT YOUR PESTS

SO IF YOUR RATS ARE HERE TO STAY, WHY NOT TREAT YOUR PESTS LIKE GUESTS?

STAY, WHY NOT TREAT YOUR PESTS LIKE GUESTS? YES, PURINO RAT CHOW FOR

LIKE GUESTS? YES, PURINO RAT CHOW FOR HAPPIER, HEALTHIER VERMIN.

ALSO, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR

NEW PURINO ROACH CHOW...

AND NEW PURINO LOUSE CHOW.

FOR FLAVORS SO RICH, NUTRITION

SO COMPLETE, ALL YOU ADD IS

LOVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, MR. JOSEPH FRANKLIN OF THE U.S. COUNCIL OF STANDARDS AND

MR. JOSEPH FRANKLIN OF THE U.S. COUNCIL OF STANDARDS AND MEASURES.

COUNCIL OF STANDARDS AND MEASURES. HELLO. TONIGHT, I'D LIKE TO

MEASURES. HELLO. TONIGHT, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW THE NEW

HELLO. TONIGHT, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW THE NEW METRIC-SYSTEM CONVERSION WILL

TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW THE NEW METRIC-SYSTEM CONVERSION WILL AFFECT YOU IN ONE OF A SERIES OF

METRIC-SYSTEM CONVERSION WILL AFFECT YOU IN ONE OF A SERIES OF PUBLIC RE-EDUCATION PROGRAMS

AFFECT YOU IN ONE OF A SERIES OF PUBLIC RE-EDUCATION PROGRAMS DESIGNED TO MAKE AMERICANS AWARE

PUBLIC RE-EDUCATION PROGRAMS DESIGNED TO MAKE AMERICANS AWARE OF THE METRIC CONVERSION TO TAKE

DESIGNED TO MAKE AMERICANS AWARE OF THE METRIC CONVERSION TO TAKE PLACE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS.

OF THE METRIC CONVERSION TO TAKE PLACE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS. NOW, MOST AMERICANS ALREADY KNOW

PLACE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS. NOW, MOST AMERICANS ALREADY KNOW THAT THE MEASUREMENT OF MILES

NOW, MOST AMERICANS ALREADY KNOW THAT THE MEASUREMENT OF MILES WILL BE DISCARDED IN FAVOR OF

THAT THE MEASUREMENT OF MILES WILL BE DISCARDED IN FAVOR OF KILOMETERS, A SYSTEM OF

WILL BE DISCARDED IN FAVOR OF KILOMETERS, A SYSTEM OF MEASUREMENT BASED ON THE UNIT OF

KILOMETERS, A SYSTEM OF MEASUREMENT BASED ON THE UNIT OF TENS AND ALREADY IN USE IN MOST

MEASUREMENT BASED ON THE UNIT OF TENS AND ALREADY IN USE IN MOST OF THE WORLD.

TENS AND ALREADY IN USE IN MOST OF THE WORLD. FEW PEOPLE, HOWEVER, KNOW ABOUT

OF THE WORLD. FEW PEOPLE, HOWEVER, KNOW ABOUT THE NEW METRIC ALPHABET... THE

FEW PEOPLE, HOWEVER, KNOW ABOUT THE NEW METRIC ALPHABET... THE "DECABET"... "DECA" FROM THE

THE NEW METRIC ALPHABET... THE "DECABET"... "DECA" FROM THE GREEK "10," AND "BET" FROM OUR

"DECABET"... "DECA" FROM THE GREEK "10," AND "BET" FROM OUR OWN "ALPHABET."

GREEK "10," AND "BET" FROM OUR OWN "ALPHABET." LET'S TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?

"A," "B," "C," AND "D," OUR MOST

POPULAR LETTERS, WILL REMAIN THE

SAME.

"E" AND "F," HOWEVER, WILL BE

COMBINED AND GRAPHICALLY

SIMPLIFIED TO ONE CHARACTER.

THE GROUPINGS "G," "H," "I" AND

"L," "M," "N," "O" WILL BE

CONDENSED TO SINGLE LETTERS...

INCIDENTALLY, A BOON TO THOSE

WHO ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT "LMNO"

WAS ONE LETTER, ANYWAY.

AND FINALLY, THE SO-CALLED

"TRASH LETTERS," OR "P," "Q,"

"R," "S," "T," "U," "V," "W,"

"X," "Y," AND "Z," WILL BE

CONDENSED TO THIS EASILY

RECOGNIZABLE DARK CHARACTER.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

10 LETTERS, 10 FINGERS...

SIMPLE, ISN'T IT?

NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HOW

THESE CHANGES WILL AFFECT OUR

DAILY SPEECH HABITS.

IN THE E-F GROUPING ADDITION,

THE WORD "EAGLE" WOULD REMAIN

BASICALLY THE SAME IN CHARACTER,

BUT WOULD BE PRONOUNCED

"EFAGLEF."

HOWEVER, CERTAIN WORDS

PREVIOUSLY BEGINNING WITH THE

LETTER "F," LIKE "FISH," WOULD

BE PRONOUNCED WITH AN ADDITIONAL

"E" SOUND.

THUS, THE SENTENCE "I CAUGHT A

BIG FISH " WOULD READ " I CAUGHT

A BIG EFISH."

THE G-H-I GROUPING CHARACTER

MIGHT INCLUDE THESE EXAMPLES.

"GOAT" WOULD REMAIN "GOAT."

"GHOTEL" WILL CARRY THE G-LETTER

ADDITION, BUT, AS IN MANY WORDS

BEGINNING WITH THE G-H SOUND,

AS IN "GHANA," THE G WILL REMAIN

SILENT.

THUS, "HOTEL."

HOWEVER, WORDS BEGINNING WITH

"I," LIKE "INDUSTRY," WOULD BE

PRONOUNCED "GHINDUSTRY."

THE MEANING WILL REMAIN THE

SAME.

LMNO's GROUPING IS SIMILAR.

"MUCUS" WOULD BE "LMNOUCUS."

"LIGHT," ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE

"LMNOIGHT," WOULD BE PRONOUNCED

"LIGHT."

AND "OPEN" WOULD THEN BE

"LMNOPEN," AS IN, "HONEY, WOULD

YOU LMNOPEN THE DOOR?"

FINALLY, THE TRASH LETTERS, OR

THE LETTERS FROM "P" TO "Z,"

WOULD MAKE A COMMON STOP SIGN

APPEAR LIKE THIS.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.

WE EVENTUALLY HOPE TO ESTABLISH

THE UNIVERSAL METRIC ALPHABET BY

1979.

JOIN ME NEXT TIME, WHEN WE

EXPLORE CHANGES IN ALPHABET SOUP

AND SPELLING-BEE-CONTEST RULES.

BUT NOW, LET'S SING THAT OLD

CHILDHOOD ALPHABET SONG...

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

AS WE WILL HEAR IT IN THE

FUTURE.

♪ A, B, C, D, EF ♪

♪ GHI, J, K, LMNO ♪

KKRRRAAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON IN, CHIEF. THE COAST IS CLEAR. OH, YEAH.

THE COAST IS CLEAR. OH, YEAH. GEE, I WONDER WHY THEY WOULDN'T

OH, YEAH. GEE, I WONDER WHY THEY WOULDN'T LET US IN THE STUDIO, HMM?

GEE, I WONDER WHY THEY WOULDN'T LET US IN THE STUDIO, HMM? HMM. I DON'T KNOW.

LET US IN THE STUDIO, HMM? HMM. I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY THE GUARD JUST DIDN'T

HMM. I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY THE GUARD JUST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE US.

PROBABLY THE GUARD JUST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE US. WELL, THAT'S VERY STRANGE,

RECOGNIZE US. WELL, THAT'S VERY STRANGE, 'CAUSE THEY ALL KNOW AND LOVE

WELL, THAT'S VERY STRANGE, 'CAUSE THEY ALL KNOW AND LOVE US.

'CAUSE THEY ALL KNOW AND LOVE US. EVERYBODY LOVES THE MUPPETS.

US. EVERYBODY LOVES THE MUPPETS. MM-HMM.

EVERYBODY LOVES THE MUPPETS. MM-HMM. LISTEN, SCRED.

MM-HMM. LISTEN, SCRED. [CHOKING]

LISTEN, SCRED. [CHOKING] WE'RE LOVABLE.

[CHOKING] WE'RE LOVABLE. NEVER FORGET THAT, SCRED!

WE'RE LOVABLE. NEVER FORGET THAT, SCRED! MMM.

NEVER FORGET THAT, SCRED! MMM. YES, OH, AFFECTIONATE ONE.

MMM. YES, OH, AFFECTIONATE ONE. WE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND

YES, OH, AFFECTIONATE ONE. WE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY AND ASK 'EM WHERE WE

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY AND ASK 'EM WHERE WE COME IN THE SHOW... THAT'S ALL.

SOMEBODY AND ASK 'EM WHERE WE COME IN THE SHOW... THAT'S ALL. CHIEF, HERE'S SOMEBODY NOW.

COME IN THE SHOW... THAT'S ALL. CHIEF, HERE'S SOMEBODY NOW. HMM.

CHIEF, HERE'S SOMEBODY NOW. HMM. WELL, HI, THERE.

HMM. WELL, HI, THERE. YOU'RE THE MUPPETS, AREN'T YOU?

WELL, HI, THERE. YOU'RE THE MUPPETS, AREN'T YOU? UH, YES, YES.

YOU'RE THE MUPPETS, AREN'T YOU? UH, YES, YES. THAT IS INDEED US, MM-HMM.

UH, YES, YES. THAT IS INDEED US, MM-HMM. OH, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU

THAT IS INDEED US, MM-HMM. OH, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE WERE SO LOVABLE.

OH, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE WERE SO LOVABLE. YOU HEAR THAT, SCRED?

PEOPLE WERE SO LOVABLE. YOU HEAR THAT, SCRED? [GRUNTS]

YOU HEAR THAT, SCRED? [GRUNTS] OH, THAT'S TRUE, LADY, YEAH.

[GRUNTS] OH, THAT'S TRUE, LADY, YEAH. WE'RE KNOWN FAR AND WIDE FOR

OH, THAT'S TRUE, LADY, YEAH. WE'RE KNOWN FAR AND WIDE FOR BEING LOVABLE.

WE'RE KNOWN FAR AND WIDE FOR BEING LOVABLE. UH, CHIEF, THAT LADY IS

BEING LOVABLE. UH, CHIEF, THAT LADY IS RAQUEL WELCH.

UH, CHIEF, THAT LADY IS RAQUEL WELCH. OH.

RAQUEL WELCH. OH. OH, YEAH.

OH. OH, YEAH. WELL, UH.

OH, YEAH. WELL, UH. [CLEARS THROAT]

WELL, UH. [CLEARS THROAT] [LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT] [LAUGHS] YEAH.

[LAUGHS] YEAH. YOU SURE ARE RAQUEL WELCH...

YEAH. YOU SURE ARE RAQUEL WELCH... ALL OVER, AREN'T YOU?

YOU SURE ARE RAQUEL WELCH... ALL OVER, AREN'T YOU? MM-HMM.

ALL OVER, AREN'T YOU? MM-HMM. FEELS LIKE RAQUEL WELCH, TOO.

MM-HMM. FEELS LIKE RAQUEL WELCH, TOO. CAREFUL, THERE, HONEY.

FEELS LIKE RAQUEL WELCH, TOO. CAREFUL, THERE, HONEY. UH, YOU KNOW, UM...

CAREFUL, THERE, HONEY. UH, YOU KNOW, UM... [CLEARS THROAT]

UH, YOU KNOW, UM... [CLEARS THROAT] YOU KNOW, WE MUPPETS ARE VERY,

[CLEARS THROAT] YOU KNOW, WE MUPPETS ARE VERY, VERY LOVABLE.

YOU KNOW, WE MUPPETS ARE VERY, VERY LOVABLE. I MEAN, UH...

VERY LOVABLE. I MEAN, UH... RELAX, BABY.

I MEAN, UH... RELAX, BABY. YOU KNOW, MATTER OF FACT,

RELAX, BABY. YOU KNOW, MATTER OF FACT, UNTIL YOU'VE MADE IT WITH A

YOU KNOW, MATTER OF FACT, UNTIL YOU'VE MADE IT WITH A MUPPET, UH... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

UNTIL YOU'VE MADE IT WITH A MUPPET, UH... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

MUPPET, UH... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SAYING? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] UH, UH, UH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] UH, UH, UH. WAIT A MINUTE, LOVER.

UH, UH, UH. WAIT A MINUTE, LOVER. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WAIT A MINUTE, LOVER. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MAKING

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MAKING LOVE TO ME?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MAKING LOVE TO ME? UH, WELL...

LOVE TO ME? UH, WELL... [CHUCKLING]

UH, WELL... [CHUCKLING] BECAUSE, UH, YOU GUYS ARE

[CHUCKLING] BECAUSE, UH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST PUPPETS, RIGHT?

BECAUSE, UH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST PUPPETS, RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST

JUST PUPPETS, RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST BELOW THE WAIST.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST BELOW THE WAIST. UH, WELL...

BELOW THE WAIST. UH, WELL... [CHUCKLES]

UH, WELL... [CHUCKLES] I MEAN, ALL YOU ARE IS JUST THE

[CHUCKLES] I MEAN, ALL YOU ARE IS JUST THE TOP HALF OF A PERSON, RIGHT?

I MEAN, ALL YOU ARE IS JUST THE TOP HALF OF A PERSON, RIGHT? WELL, UH...

TOP HALF OF A PERSON, RIGHT? WELL, UH... YEAH, BUT, UH...

WELL, UH... YEAH, BUT, UH... GOOD TOP, THOUGH.

YEAH, BUT, UH... GOOD TOP, THOUGH. SO THAT KIND OF MAKES YOU

GOOD TOP, THOUGH. SO THAT KIND OF MAKES YOU JUST A LOT OF TALK... ALL TALK,

SO THAT KIND OF MAKES YOU JUST A LOT OF TALK... ALL TALK, RIGHT?

JUST A LOT OF TALK... ALL TALK, RIGHT? WELL, I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH MY

RIGHT? WELL, I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH MY HANDS.

WELL, I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH MY HANDS. I'VE NOTICED.

HANDS. I'VE NOTICED. YEAH, MM-HMM.

I'VE NOTICED. YEAH, MM-HMM. UH, I'M SORRY, BOYS.

YEAH, MM-HMM. UH, I'M SORRY, BOYS. PLOOBIS, SCRED.

UH, I'M SORRY, BOYS. PLOOBIS, SCRED. YEAH?

PLOOBIS, SCRED. YEAH? YOU'RE NOT ON THIS WEEK.

YEAH? YOU'RE NOT ON THIS WEEK. I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT ON THIS WEEK. I'M SORRY. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO

I'M SORRY. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? WE WORK THIS SHOW.

MEAN? WE WORK THIS SHOW. YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I GUESS YOU

WE WORK THIS SHOW. YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I GUESS YOU DIDN'T GET THE CALL.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I GUESS YOU DIDN'T GET THE CALL. UH, I'M SORRY, RAQUEL.

DIDN'T GET THE CALL. UH, I'M SORRY, RAQUEL. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

UH, I'M SORRY, RAQUEL. IS EVERYTHING OKAY? OH, YEAH, IT'S OKAY.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY? OH, YEAH, IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE JUST ALL TALK, ANYWAYS.

OH, YEAH, IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE JUST ALL TALK, ANYWAYS. OH, YEAH? OH, YEAH?

THEY'RE JUST ALL TALK, ANYWAYS. OH, YEAH? OH, YEAH? UGH. I'M LEAVING.

OH, YEAH? OH, YEAH? UGH. I'M LEAVING. I'M LEAVING.

UGH. I'M LEAVING. I'M LEAVING. AW.

I'M LEAVING. AW. OH, UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS,

AW. OH, UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, RAQUEL.

OH, UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, RAQUEL. AND BY THE WAY, I JUST WANT TO

RAQUEL. AND BY THE WAY, I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I SAID

AND BY THE WAY, I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I SAID BEFORE, BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOU

APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I SAID BEFORE, BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOU GET HIT ON ALL THE TIME.

BEFORE, BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOU GET HIT ON ALL THE TIME. [LAUGHS] YEAH, BUT NEVER BY

GET HIT ON ALL THE TIME. [LAUGHS] YEAH, BUT NEVER BY A MUPPET BEFORE.

[LAUGHS] YEAH, BUT NEVER BY A MUPPET BEFORE. OH, WELL, IF YOU'D LIKE

A MUPPET BEFORE. OH, WELL, IF YOU'D LIKE MY NUMBER...

OH, WELL, IF YOU'D LIKE MY NUMBER... SCRED? SCRED?

MY NUMBER... SCRED? SCRED? YOU'RE NOT ON THIS WEEK, OKAY?

SCRED? SCRED? YOU'RE NOT ON THIS WEEK, OKAY? I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOU'RE NOT ON THIS WEEK, OKAY? I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT. THEY DIDN'T KNOW.

I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT. THEY DIDN'T KNOW. NOBODY GAVE THEM THE CALL.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW. NOBODY GAVE THEM THE CALL. I THINK THE BEES OR THE SHARKS

NOBODY GAVE THEM THE CALL. I THINK THE BEES OR THE SHARKS ARE ON, OR SOMETHING IS ON.

I THINK THE BEES OR THE SHARKS ARE ON, OR SOMETHING IS ON. BUT YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL SO

ARE ON, OR SOMETHING IS ON. BUT YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL SO FAR.

BUT YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL SO FAR. EVERYBODY LOVES THE SHOW.

FAR. EVERYBODY LOVES THE SHOW. THE SONG WAS GREAT.

EVERYBODY LOVES THE SHOW. THE SONG WAS GREAT. AND ALL I CAN SAY IS, RELAX AND

THE SONG WAS GREAT. AND ALL I CAN SAY IS, RELAX AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

AND ALL I CAN SAY IS, RELAX AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. [LAUGHTER]

TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. [LAUGHTER] WELL, UNH-UNH.

[LAUGHTER] WELL, UNH-UNH. WELL, RAQUEL, THIS IS YOUR

WELL, UNH-UNH. WELL, RAQUEL, THIS IS YOUR RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN.

WELL, RAQUEL, THIS IS YOUR RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. THANKS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO. THANKS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

THANKS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. ALL RIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TO, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TO, RIGHT? NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I DON'T HAVE TO, RIGHT? NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. OH, 'CAUSE THIS IS A TASTEFUL

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. OH, 'CAUSE THIS IS A TASTEFUL SHOW WITH A LOT OF CLASS, RIGHT?

OH, 'CAUSE THIS IS A TASTEFUL SHOW WITH A LOT OF CLASS, RIGHT? RIGHT, RIGHT.

SHOW WITH A LOT OF CLASS, RIGHT? RIGHT, RIGHT. NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

RIGHT, RIGHT. NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN [CHUCKLES] I AM VERY PLEASED

NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN [CHUCKLES] I AM VERY PLEASED TO INTRODUCE TO YOU A LOVELY

[CHUCKLES] I AM VERY PLEASED TO INTRODUCE TO YOU A LOVELY LADY... IN FACT, A GENIUS IN THE

TO INTRODUCE TO YOU A LOVELY LADY... IN FACT, A GENIUS IN THE WORLD OF CONTEMPORARY MUSIC,

LADY... IN FACT, A GENIUS IN THE WORLD OF CONTEMPORARY MUSIC, MISS PHOEBE SNOW.

WORLD OF CONTEMPORARY MUSIC, MISS PHOEBE SNOW. [APPLAUSE]

MISS PHOEBE SNOW. [APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "ALL OVER" PLAYS]

♪ NINE OF DIAMONDS, NINE OF DIAMONDS ♪ ♪ LORD, THAT'S A LUCKY CARD ♪

NINE OF DIAMONDS ♪ ♪ LORD, THAT'S A LUCKY CARD ♪ ♪ WE'LL CELEBRATE IT

♪ LORD, THAT'S A LUCKY CARD ♪ ♪ WE'LL CELEBRATE IT WHEN WE'VE MADE IT ♪

♪ WE'LL CELEBRATE IT WHEN WE'VE MADE IT ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪

WHEN WE'VE MADE IT ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪

♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER ♪

♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIT ME, BUT

♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIT ME, BUT I'M SEEING STARS ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIT ME, BUT I'M SEEING STARS ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

I'M SEEING STARS ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ THIS COMIC-BOOK LIFE IS

♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ THIS COMIC-BOOK LIFE IS LIKE BEING ON MARS ♪

♪ THIS COMIC-BOOK LIFE IS LIKE BEING ON MARS ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

LIKE BEING ON MARS ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ THOUSANDS OF WARM HANDS ARE

♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ THOUSANDS OF WARM HANDS ARE TOUCHING ME ♪

♪ THOUSANDS OF WARM HANDS ARE TOUCHING ME ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪

TOUCHING ME ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL

♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪

♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪

OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL

♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪

♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

OVER ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ THE NIGHT QUEEN FRIGHT WIG

[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ THE NIGHT QUEEN FRIGHT WIG STREET PARADE MAY FADE ♪

♪ THE NIGHT QUEEN FRIGHT WIG STREET PARADE MAY FADE ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

STREET PARADE MAY FADE ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHEN WE LAUGH AT THE

♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHEN WE LAUGH AT THE STATUES OF GODS THEY HAVE MADE ♪

♪ WHEN WE LAUGH AT THE STATUES OF GODS THEY HAVE MADE ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

STATUES OF GODS THEY HAVE MADE ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OCEANS OF LOVE WAVES ARE

♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OCEANS OF LOVE WAVES ARE WASHING ME ♪

♪ OCEANS OF LOVE WAVES ARE WASHING ME ♪ ♪ WHOO, WHOO ♪

WASHING ME ♪ ♪ WHOO, WHOO ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪

♪ WHOO, WHOO ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪

♪ NINE OF DIAMONDS, NINE OF DIAMONDS ♪ ♪ LORD, THAT'S A LUCKY CARD ♪

NINE OF DIAMONDS ♪ ♪ LORD, THAT'S A LUCKY CARD ♪ ♪ WE'LL CELEBRATE IT

♪ LORD, THAT'S A LUCKY CARD ♪ ♪ WE'LL CELEBRATE IT WHEN WE'VE MADE IT ♪

♪ WE'LL CELEBRATE IT WHEN WE'VE MADE IT ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪

WHEN WE'VE MADE IT ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I SAID, I'LL JUMP ALL OVER

♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I SAID, I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪

♪ I SAID, I'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER ♪

YOUR YARD ♪ ♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪

♪ I'LL JUMP ALL OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL

♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪

♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪

OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL

♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪

♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

OVER ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR TRAIN OF

[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT'S BEEN DERAILED ♪

♪ IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT'S BEEN DERAILED ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

THOUGHT'S BEEN DERAILED ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LET OUT YOUR WILD WISHES

♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LET OUT YOUR WILD WISHES FROM WHERE THEY'VE BEEN JAILED ♪

♪ LET OUT YOUR WILD WISHES FROM WHERE THEY'VE BEEN JAILED ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

FROM WHERE THEY'VE BEEN JAILED ♪ ♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ YOU FEEL THE FUTURE

♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ YOU FEEL THE FUTURE EMBRACING YOU ♪

♪ YOU FEEL THE FUTURE EMBRACING YOU ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪

EMBRACING YOU ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL

♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪

♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪

OVER ♪ ♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL

♪ ALL OVER, ALL OVER ♪ ♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪

♪ I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER BE ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHOO! ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHOO! ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ WHOO! ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH ♪ ♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH ♪ ♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ ALL OVER ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHOA-OH-OH! ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHOA-OH-OH! ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ WHOA-OH-OH! ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHOO, WHOO! ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ WHOO, WHOO! ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ WHOO, WHOO! ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ [MUSIC ENDS]

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪ [MUSIC ENDS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD AFTERNOON. THIS IS TOM TRYMAN. AND THIS IS

THIS IS TOM TRYMAN. AND THIS IS JESSICA ANTLERDANCE.

AND THIS IS JESSICA ANTLERDANCE. AND OF COURSE, WE'RE HERE

JESSICA ANTLERDANCE. AND OF COURSE, WE'RE HERE IN VAIL, COLORADO, TO COVER THE

AND OF COURSE, WE'RE HERE IN VAIL, COLORADO, TO COVER THE CLAUDINE LONGET INVITATIONAL.

IN VAIL, COLORADO, TO COVER THE CLAUDINE LONGET INVITATIONAL. THIS IS, OF COURSE, A MEN'S

CLAUDINE LONGET INVITATIONAL. THIS IS, OF COURSE, A MEN'S FREESTYLE SKIING COMPETITION.

THIS IS, OF COURSE, A MEN'S FREESTYLE SKIING COMPETITION. SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

FREESTYLE SKIING COMPETITION. SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S GO TO THE SLOPES.

SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S GO TO THE SLOPES. TOM?

LET'S GO TO THE SLOPES. TOM? WELL, WE CERTAINLY HAVE A

TOM? WELL, WE CERTAINLY HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR IT, TOM.

WELL, WE CERTAINLY HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR IT, TOM. RIGHT YOU ARE, JESSICA.

BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR IT, TOM. RIGHT YOU ARE, JESSICA. AND OF COURSE, FIRST OUT WILL

RIGHT YOU ARE, JESSICA. AND OF COURSE, FIRST OUT WILL BE HELMUT KINDLE.

AND OF COURSE, FIRST OUT WILL BE HELMUT KINDLE. HELMUT IS A 24-YEAR-OLD

BE HELMUT KINDLE. HELMUT IS A 24-YEAR-OLD FRENCHMAN... I'M SORRY...

HELMUT IS A 24-YEAR-OLD FRENCHMAN... I'M SORRY... HE'S A WEST GERMAN.

FRENCHMAN... I'M SORRY... HE'S A WEST GERMAN. AND THIS IS HIS SECOND RUN OF

HE'S A WEST GERMAN. AND THIS IS HIS SECOND RUN OF THE DAY, I BELIEVE.

AND THIS IS HIS SECOND RUN OF THE DAY, I BELIEVE. HE HAD AN INITIAL TIME OF 41.8.

THE DAY, I BELIEVE. HE HAD AN INITIAL TIME OF 41.8. LOOKING VERY GOOD HERE.

HE HAD AN INITIAL TIME OF 41.8. LOOKING VERY GOOD HERE. THAT'S RIGHT, TOM.

LOOKING VERY GOOD HERE. THAT'S RIGHT, TOM. BUT HELMUT INJURED HIS ANKLE

THAT'S RIGHT, TOM. BUT HELMUT INJURED HIS ANKLE LAST MONTH, AND THAT'S BOUND TO

BUT HELMUT INJURED HIS ANKLE LAST MONTH, AND THAT'S BOUND TO AFFECT HIS PERFORMANCE HERE

LAST MONTH, AND THAT'S BOUND TO AFFECT HIS PERFORMANCE HERE TODAY.

AFFECT HIS PERFORMANCE HERE TODAY. HE CAUGHT AN EDGE THERE, BUT

TODAY. HE CAUGHT AN EDGE THERE, BUT HE SEEMS TO BE OKAY.

HE CAUGHT AN EDGE THERE, BUT HE SEEMS TO BE OKAY. HE'S IN GOOD SHAPE.

HE SEEMS TO BE OKAY. HE'S IN GOOD SHAPE. ACTUALLY, I THINK HE'S A

HE'S IN GOOD SHAPE. ACTUALLY, I THINK HE'S A LITTLE...

ACTUALLY, I THINK HE'S A LITTLE... [GUNSHOT]

LITTLE... [GUNSHOT] UH-OH! HE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN

[GUNSHOT] UH-OH! HE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY

UH-OH! HE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY CLAUDINE LONGET.

ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY CLAUDINE LONGET. YES. AND I'M AFRAID

CLAUDINE LONGET. YES. AND I'M AFRAID HELMUT KINDLE IS OUT OF THIS

YES. AND I'M AFRAID HELMUT KINDLE IS OUT OF THIS RACE.

HELMUT KINDLE IS OUT OF THIS RACE. YES, IT'S A SHAME, BUT THAT'S

RACE. YES, IT'S A SHAME, BUT THAT'S ALL PART OF THE EXCITING WORLD

YES, IT'S A SHAME, BUT THAT'S ALL PART OF THE EXCITING WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL SKIING, TOM.

ALL PART OF THE EXCITING WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL SKIING, TOM. WELL, HE DEFINITELY SEEMS

OF PROFESSIONAL SKIING, TOM. WELL, HE DEFINITELY SEEMS OUT OF IT, JESSICA, AND I

WELL, HE DEFINITELY SEEMS OUT OF IT, JESSICA, AND I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

OUT OF IT, JESSICA, AND I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. AND NOW HERE COMES THE MAN TO

COULDN'T AGREE MORE. AND NOW HERE COMES THE MAN TO BEAT... WE'RE GOING TO BE SEEING

AND NOW HERE COMES THE MAN TO BEAT... WE'RE GOING TO BE SEEING HIM IN A SECOND... OF COURSE,

BEAT... WE'RE GOING TO BE SEEING HIM IN A SECOND... OF COURSE, JEAN-PAUL BAPTISTE, A

HIM IN A SECOND... OF COURSE, JEAN-PAUL BAPTISTE, A 28-YEAR-OLD CIVIL ENGINEER FROM

JEAN-PAUL BAPTISTE, A 28-YEAR-OLD CIVIL ENGINEER FROM BERN, SWITZERLAND.

28-YEAR-OLD CIVIL ENGINEER FROM BERN, SWITZERLAND. AND HE'S STRONG.

BERN, SWITZERLAND. AND HE'S STRONG. HE'S AGILE.

AND HE'S STRONG. HE'S AGILE. HE'S GOT A GREAT DEAL OF POWER,

HE'S AGILE. HE'S GOT A GREAT DEAL OF POWER, JESSICA.

HE'S GOT A GREAT DEAL OF POWER, JESSICA. HE'LL NEED ALL THE POWER HE'S

JESSICA. HE'LL NEED ALL THE POWER HE'S GOT ON THOSE MOGULS, TOM.

HE'LL NEED ALL THE POWER HE'S GOT ON THOSE MOGULS, TOM. LOOK AT THE WAY HIS LEGS

GOT ON THOSE MOGULS, TOM. LOOK AT THE WAY HIS LEGS ABSORB THOSE SHOCKS AS HE

LOOK AT THE WAY HIS LEGS ABSORB THOSE SHOCKS AS HE MANEUVERS HIS WAY DOWN THIS

ABSORB THOSE SHOCKS AS HE MANEUVERS HIS WAY DOWN THIS BUMPY TERRAIN.

MANEUVERS HIS WAY DOWN THIS BUMPY TERRAIN. THERE'S A VERY NICE MOVE THERE,

BUMPY TERRAIN. THERE'S A VERY NICE MOVE THERE, A LOT OF SPRING.

THERE'S A VERY NICE MOVE THERE, A LOT OF SPRING. HE'S REALLY PLAYING THIS HILL.

A LOT OF SPRING. HE'S REALLY PLAYING THIS HILL. IT'S EASY TO SEE WHY HE WON A

HE'S REALLY PLAYING THIS HILL. IT'S EASY TO SEE WHY HE WON A BRONZE MEDAL AT INNSBRUCK... A

IT'S EASY TO SEE WHY HE WON A BRONZE MEDAL AT INNSBRUCK... A STRONG SKIER AND A FIERCE

BRONZE MEDAL AT INNSBRUCK... A STRONG SKIER AND A FIERCE COMPETITOR.

STRONG SKIER AND A FIERCE COMPETITOR. WELL, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY,

COMPETITOR. WELL, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY, IT'S A VERY FAST TIME UP TO THIS

WELL, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY, IT'S A VERY FAST TIME UP TO THIS POINT.

IT'S A VERY FAST TIME UP TO THIS POINT. HE'S DOING VERY WELL.

POINT. HE'S DOING VERY WELL. AND THERE'S A VERY NICE MOVE.

HE'S DOING VERY WELL. AND THERE'S A VERY NICE MOVE. I WOULD SAY AT THIS HALFWAY

AND THERE'S A VERY NICE MOVE. I WOULD SAY AT THIS HALFWAY POINT THAT HE'S CERTAINLY GOING

I WOULD SAY AT THIS HALFWAY POINT THAT HE'S CERTAINLY GOING TO TAKE THIRD, OR MAYBE EVEN A

POINT THAT HE'S CERTAINLY GOING TO TAKE THIRD, OR MAYBE EVEN A SECOND PLACE, BECAUSE...

TO TAKE THIRD, OR MAYBE EVEN A SECOND PLACE, BECAUSE... [GUNSHOT]

SECOND PLACE, BECAUSE... [GUNSHOT] UH-OH! UH-OH!

[GUNSHOT] UH-OH! UH-OH! IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE HAS BEEN

UH-OH! UH-OH! IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE HAS BEEN ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY

IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE HAS BEEN ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY CLAUDINE LONGET.

ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY CLAUDINE LONGET. JUST GRAZED, I THINK, TOM.

CLAUDINE LONGET. JUST GRAZED, I THINK, TOM. [GUNSHOT]

JUST GRAZED, I THINK, TOM. [GUNSHOT] OH, NO.

[GUNSHOT] OH, NO. THAT ONE GOT HIM... HE'S DOWN.

OH, NO. THAT ONE GOT HIM... HE'S DOWN. NO, HE'S DOWN THIS TIME.

THAT ONE GOT HIM... HE'S DOWN. NO, HE'S DOWN THIS TIME. NO, NO.

NO, HE'S DOWN THIS TIME. NO, NO. NO, HE'S GETTING UP.

NO, NO. NO, HE'S GETTING UP. ALWAYS THE MARK OF A FINE

NO, HE'S GETTING UP. ALWAYS THE MARK OF A FINE ATHLETE IS THE ABILITY TO

ALWAYS THE MARK OF A FINE ATHLETE IS THE ABILITY TO RECOVER IN DIFFICULT SITUATIONS.

ATHLETE IS THE ABILITY TO RECOVER IN DIFFICULT SITUATIONS. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GOING

RECOVER IN DIFFICULT SITUATIONS. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GOING FOR THE FINISH LINE, AND...

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GOING FOR THE FINISH LINE, AND... [GUNSHOT]

FOR THE FINISH LINE, AND... [GUNSHOT] OH, NO. AGAIN... AGAIN, HE HAS

[GUNSHOT] OH, NO. AGAIN... AGAIN, HE HAS BEEN ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY

OH, NO. AGAIN... AGAIN, HE HAS BEEN ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY CLAUDINE LONGET, AND, THIS TIME,

BEEN ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY CLAUDINE LONGET, AND, THIS TIME, I THINK HE'S DOWN TO STAY,

CLAUDINE LONGET, AND, THIS TIME, I THINK HE'S DOWN TO STAY, JESSICA.

I THINK HE'S DOWN TO STAY, JESSICA. WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LATE,

JESSICA. WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LATE, TOM, SO LET'S JUST CUT TO A FEW

WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LATE, TOM, SO LET'S JUST CUT TO A FEW HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EVENT.

TOM, SO LET'S JUST CUT TO A FEW HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EVENT. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THAT.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EVENT. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THAT. HERE, SHE MISTAKENLY DROPPED HER

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THAT. HERE, SHE MISTAKENLY DROPPED HER GUN, AND IT WENT OFF.

HERE, SHE MISTAKENLY DROPPED HER GUN, AND IT WENT OFF. HERE, SHE WAS SHOWING THE GUN

GUN, AND IT WENT OFF. HERE, SHE WAS SHOWING THE GUN TO A FRIEND.

HERE, SHE WAS SHOWING THE GUN TO A FRIEND. YEAH. I THINK SHE WAS JUST

TO A FRIEND. YEAH. I THINK SHE WAS JUST CLEANING HER GUN HERE, WASN'T

YEAH. I THINK SHE WAS JUST CLEANING HER GUN HERE, WASN'T SHE?

CLEANING HER GUN HERE, WASN'T SHE? [GUNFIRE]

SHE? [GUNFIRE] AND ONCE AGAIN, OF COURSE,

[GUNFIRE] AND ONCE AGAIN, OF COURSE, SHOWING A GUN TO A FRIEND.

AND ONCE AGAIN, OF COURSE, SHOWING A GUN TO A FRIEND. HERE, I THINK SHE JUST PUT THE

SHOWING A GUN TO A FRIEND. HERE, I THINK SHE JUST PUT THE GUN DOWN IN THE SNOW, AND IT

HERE, I THINK SHE JUST PUT THE GUN DOWN IN THE SNOW, AND IT WENT OFF BY MISTAKE.

GUN DOWN IN THE SNOW, AND IT WENT OFF BY MISTAKE. THAT LOOKED ALMOST LIKE SKEET

WENT OFF BY MISTAKE. THAT LOOKED ALMOST LIKE SKEET SHOOTING.

THAT LOOKED ALMOST LIKE SKEET SHOOTING. [CHUCKLES]

SHOOTING. [CHUCKLES] YOU MUST MEAN "SKI SHOOTING."

[CHUCKLES] YOU MUST MEAN "SKI SHOOTING." [LAUGHTER]

YOU MUST MEAN "SKI SHOOTING." [LAUGHTER] AHH.

[LAUGHTER] AHH. OH, WELL.

AHH. OH, WELL. THIS HAS BEEN TOM TRYMAN.

OH, WELL. THIS HAS BEEN TOM TRYMAN. AND JESSICA ANTLERDANCE.

THIS HAS BEEN TOM TRYMAN. AND JESSICA ANTLERDANCE. HERE IN VAIL, COLORADO, AT

AND JESSICA ANTLERDANCE. HERE IN VAIL, COLORADO, AT THE CLAUDINE LONGET

HERE IN VAIL, COLORADO, AT THE CLAUDINE LONGET INVITATIONAL.

THE CLAUDINE LONGET INVITATIONAL. "SKI SHOOTING"... THAT'S VERY

INVITATIONAL. "SKI SHOOTING"... THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

"SKI SHOOTING"... THAT'S VERY FUNNY. [CHUCKLES]

FUNNY. [CHUCKLES] RIGHT NOW, HERE'S A WORD FROM

[CHUCKLES] RIGHT NOW, HERE'S A WORD FROM POLAROID.

HI. I'M JANE CURTIN. AND THIS IS POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA.

AND THIS IS POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA. AND HERE ARE THREE PICTURES OF

SX-70 LAND CAMERA. AND HERE ARE THREE PICTURES OF JOHN BELUSHI WE TOOK RIGHT HERE.

AND HERE ARE THREE PICTURES OF JOHN BELUSHI WE TOOK RIGHT HERE. YES, JANE.

JOHN BELUSHI WE TOOK RIGHT HERE. YES, JANE. THEY DEVELOPED RIGHT IN MINUTES.

YES, JANE. THEY DEVELOPED RIGHT IN MINUTES. THIS WAS FROM 3 FEET...

THEY DEVELOPED RIGHT IN MINUTES. THIS WAS FROM 3 FEET... THAT'S AS CLOSE AS MOST CAMERAS

THIS WAS FROM 3 FEET... THAT'S AS CLOSE AS MOST CAMERAS CAN GET.

THAT'S AS CLOSE AS MOST CAMERAS CAN GET. HERE'S 2 FEET... THIS IS THE

CAN GET. HERE'S 2 FEET... THIS IS THE HEAD-AND-SHOULDERS PORTRAIT.

HERE'S 2 FEET... THIS IS THE HEAD-AND-SHOULDERS PORTRAIT. AND 10 INCHES... NOW, THAT'S A

HEAD-AND-SHOULDERS PORTRAIT. AND 10 INCHES... NOW, THAT'S A CLOSE-UP.

AND 10 INCHES... NOW, THAT'S A CLOSE-UP. THAT'S QUITE A DIFFERENCE,

CLOSE-UP. THAT'S QUITE A DIFFERENCE, JANE.

THAT'S QUITE A DIFFERENCE, JANE. [CHUCKLES]

JANE. [CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW, IT'S CLOSER THAN

[CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW, IT'S CLOSER THAN ALMOST ANY OTHER CAMERA YOU CAN

YOU KNOW, IT'S CLOSER THAN ALMOST ANY OTHER CAMERA YOU CAN GET WITHOUT A SPECIAL LENS.

ALMOST ANY OTHER CAMERA YOU CAN GET WITHOUT A SPECIAL LENS. AND WITH THE SX-70, YOU LOOK

GET WITHOUT A SPECIAL LENS. AND WITH THE SX-70, YOU LOOK INTO THE VIEWFINDER AND FOCUS

AND WITH THE SX-70, YOU LOOK INTO THE VIEWFINDER AND FOCUS RIGHT THROUGH THE LENS.

INTO THE VIEWFINDER AND FOCUS RIGHT THROUGH THE LENS. SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE

RIGHT THROUGH THE LENS. SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE PICTURE YOU GET.

SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE PICTURE YOU GET. THEN JUST PUSH THE LITTLE

PICTURE YOU GET. THEN JUST PUSH THE LITTLE BUTTON AND...

THEN JUST PUSH THE LITTLE BUTTON AND... KKHHH! WHOOM!

BUTTON AND... KKHHH! WHOOM! YOU SEE? THIS IS FOR YOU, JOHN.

KKHHH! WHOOM! YOU SEE? THIS IS FOR YOU, JOHN. OH, THANKS, JANE.

YOU SEE? THIS IS FOR YOU, JOHN. OH, THANKS, JANE. AND THAT PICTURE WILL BE

OH, THANKS, JANE. AND THAT PICTURE WILL BE DEVELOPED IN JUST MINUTES.

AND THAT PICTURE WILL BE DEVELOPED IN JUST MINUTES. FOR COLOR PICTURES FROM

DEVELOPED IN JUST MINUTES. FOR COLOR PICTURES FROM 10.4 INCHES TO INFINITY THAT

FOR COLOR PICTURES FROM 10.4 INCHES TO INFINITY THAT DEVELOP WHILE YOU WATCH, ONLY

10.4 INCHES TO INFINITY THAT DEVELOP WHILE YOU WATCH, ONLY POLAROID'S DELUXE... DELUXE

DEVELOP WHILE YOU WATCH, ONLY POLAROID'S DELUXE... DELUXE SX-70.

POLAROID'S DELUXE... DELUXE SX-70. VERY NICE, JANE.

SX-70. VERY NICE, JANE. THANKS, JOHN.

[SIGHS] MR. HUGHES. HOWARD, I'VE BEEN WAITING

MR. HUGHES. HOWARD, I'VE BEEN WAITING 3 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES.

HOWARD, I'VE BEEN WAITING 3 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES. IF YOU'RE NOT OUT HERE IN

3 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES. IF YOU'RE NOT OUT HERE IN 10 SECONDS, YOU'LL BE FLYING

IF YOU'RE NOT OUT HERE IN 10 SECONDS, YOU'LL BE FLYING SOLO TONIGHT.

10 SECONDS, YOU'LL BE FLYING SOLO TONIGHT. JANE, IT'S ME... HOWARD.

SOLO TONIGHT. JANE, IT'S ME... HOWARD. GUESS WHAT. GUESS WHAT.

JANE, IT'S ME... HOWARD. GUESS WHAT. GUESS WHAT. WHAT?

GUESS WHAT. GUESS WHAT. WHAT? GUESS WHAT.

WHAT? GUESS WHAT. I'M RIGHT HERE.

GUESS WHAT. I'M RIGHT HERE. LISTEN, BOSS, YOU BETTER PULL

I'M RIGHT HERE. LISTEN, BOSS, YOU BETTER PULL THIS MOVIE TOGETHER.

LISTEN, BOSS, YOU BETTER PULL THIS MOVIE TOGETHER. FIRST, YOU FIRE THE DIRECTOR,

THIS MOVIE TOGETHER. FIRST, YOU FIRE THE DIRECTOR, HIRE YOURSELF, AND THEN YOU

FIRST, YOU FIRE THE DIRECTOR, HIRE YOURSELF, AND THEN YOU DON'T SHOW UP ON THE SET FOR

HIRE YOURSELF, AND THEN YOU DON'T SHOW UP ON THE SET FOR THREE WEEKS.

DON'T SHOW UP ON THE SET FOR THREE WEEKS. YOU'RE THE MOST UNPROFESSIONAL

THREE WEEKS. YOU'RE THE MOST UNPROFESSIONAL TEXAS BILLIONAIRE I'VE EVER MET.

YOU'RE THE MOST UNPROFESSIONAL TEXAS BILLIONAIRE I'VE EVER MET. I LOVE YOU, JANE.

TEXAS BILLIONAIRE I'VE EVER MET. I LOVE YOU, JANE. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, JANE. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I HAVE PERSONALLY ATTAINED A

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I HAVE PERSONALLY ATTAINED A LAND SPEED OF 565 MILES AN HOUR.

I HAVE PERSONALLY ATTAINED A LAND SPEED OF 565 MILES AN HOUR. KISS ME, BABY.

LAND SPEED OF 565 MILES AN HOUR. KISS ME, BABY. LOOK, I PUT IN A LOT OF

KISS ME, BABY. LOOK, I PUT IN A LOT OF FLYING TIME WITH YOU, BUDDY, AND

LOOK, I PUT IN A LOT OF FLYING TIME WITH YOU, BUDDY, AND YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE ME INTO A

FLYING TIME WITH YOU, BUDDY, AND YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE ME INTO A BIG STAR.

YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE ME INTO A BIG STAR. WELL, I WANT OUT OF THIS CHEAP

BIG STAR. WELL, I WANT OUT OF THIS CHEAP WESTERN.

WELL, I WANT OUT OF THIS CHEAP WESTERN. I LOVE YOU, JANE.

WESTERN. I LOVE YOU, JANE. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU?

I LOVE YOU, JANE. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU? I LOVE YOU BECAUSE

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU? I LOVE YOU BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES IS SOON

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES IS SOON GOING TO BE AT WAR WITH THE

THE UNITED STATES IS SOON GOING TO BE AT WAR WITH THE AXIS POWERS, AND OUR LOVE IS

GOING TO BE AT WAR WITH THE AXIS POWERS, AND OUR LOVE IS MUCH MORE THAN BEING ABLE TO

AXIS POWERS, AND OUR LOVE IS MUCH MORE THAN BEING ABLE TO CREATE A MACHINE GUN THAT CAN

MUCH MORE THAN BEING ABLE TO CREATE A MACHINE GUN THAT CAN FIRE 400 ROUNDS OF 50-CALIBER

CREATE A MACHINE GUN THAT CAN FIRE 400 ROUNDS OF 50-CALIBER AMMUNITION PER SECOND.

FIRE 400 ROUNDS OF 50-CALIBER AMMUNITION PER SECOND. OH, JANE, OUR LOVE IS LIKE AN

AMMUNITION PER SECOND. OH, JANE, OUR LOVE IS LIKE AN INDUSTRY MEETING THE NEEDS OF

OH, JANE, OUR LOVE IS LIKE AN INDUSTRY MEETING THE NEEDS OF WAR... SEX, WAR, SEX, WAR...

INDUSTRY MEETING THE NEEDS OF WAR... SEX, WAR, SEX, WAR... SEX IS WHAT WE NEED TO SAVE THIS

WAR... SEX, WAR, SEX, WAR... SEX IS WHAT WE NEED TO SAVE THIS PICTURE, JANE.

SEX IS WHAT WE NEED TO SAVE THIS PICTURE, JANE. SEX?

PICTURE, JANE. SEX? YOU HERMIT, I'M JANE RUSSELL!

SEX? YOU HERMIT, I'M JANE RUSSELL! I'VE GOT THE BEST GAZONGAS IN

YOU HERMIT, I'M JANE RUSSELL! I'VE GOT THE BEST GAZONGAS IN THE BUSINESS.

I'VE GOT THE BEST GAZONGAS IN THE BUSINESS. GAZONGAS!

THE BUSINESS. GAZONGAS! GAZONGAS... THAT'S IT.

GAZONGAS! GAZONGAS... THAT'S IT. A LIGHT SO POWERFUL, IT COULD

GAZONGAS... THAT'S IT. A LIGHT SO POWERFUL, IT COULD DEFLECT OFF THE MOON.

A LIGHT SO POWERFUL, IT COULD DEFLECT OFF THE MOON. FROM RELAY STATION TO RELAY

DEFLECT OFF THE MOON. FROM RELAY STATION TO RELAY STATION TO EARTH, SATELLITES AND

FROM RELAY STATION TO RELAY STATION TO EARTH, SATELLITES AND ROCKETS... GAZONGA!

STATION TO EARTH, SATELLITES AND ROCKETS... GAZONGA! ELECTRONIC BEAMS BOUNCING FROM

ROCKETS... GAZONGA! ELECTRONIC BEAMS BOUNCING FROM PLANET TO PLANET!

ELECTRONIC BEAMS BOUNCING FROM PLANET TO PLANET! GAZONGA! GAZONGA!

PLANET TO PLANET! GAZONGA! GAZONGA! ALL MEN LINKED ELECTRONICALLY...

GAZONGA! GAZONGA! ALL MEN LINKED ELECTRONICALLY... AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE PERSONALLY

ALL MEN LINKED ELECTRONICALLY... AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE PERSONALLY DESIGNED A BRASSIERE FOR YOU.

AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE PERSONALLY DESIGNED A BRASSIERE FOR YOU. OH, BROTHER.

DESIGNED A BRASSIERE FOR YOU. OH, BROTHER. WELL, BOSS, I GO THROUGH BRAS

OH, BROTHER. WELL, BOSS, I GO THROUGH BRAS LIKE YOU GO THROUGH SOCKS, SO...

WELL, BOSS, I GO THROUGH BRAS LIKE YOU GO THROUGH SOCKS, SO... WELL, THIS ONE'S GOING TO

LIKE YOU GO THROUGH SOCKS, SO... WELL, THIS ONE'S GOING TO CHANGE THE LOOK OF WOMEN IN

WELL, THIS ONE'S GOING TO CHANGE THE LOOK OF WOMEN IN FILMS, JANE.

CHANGE THE LOOK OF WOMEN IN FILMS, JANE. SKIP, BRING OUT THE BRA.

FILMS, JANE. SKIP, BRING OUT THE BRA. YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.

SKIP, BRING OUT THE BRA. YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE. WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE. WE'RE ON OUR WAY. THIS IS SKIP DIXON, MY MOST

WE'RE ON OUR WAY. THIS IS SKIP DIXON, MY MOST TRUSTED MORMON WELDER.

THIS IS SKIP DIXON, MY MOST TRUSTED MORMON WELDER. HOWDY.

TRUSTED MORMON WELDER. HOWDY. START IT UP, SKIP.

HOWDY. START IT UP, SKIP. OKAY.

START IT UP, SKIP. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, PUT IT ON, HONEY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, PUT IT ON, HONEY. CUT THE MOTORS.

ALL RIGHT, PUT IT ON, HONEY. CUT THE MOTORS. CUT THE MOTORS.

CUT THE MOTORS. CUT THE MOTORS. I CAN'T WEAR THAT THING.

CUT THE MOTORS. I CAN'T WEAR THAT THING. WHY NOT?

I CAN'T WEAR THAT THING. WHY NOT? IT'S A 72-HOUR MODEL.

WHY NOT? IT'S A 72-HOUR MODEL. WAIT TILL YOU FEEL THE LIFT.

IT'S A 72-HOUR MODEL. WAIT TILL YOU FEEL THE LIFT. WELL, IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN

WAIT TILL YOU FEEL THE LIFT. WELL, IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN SAFETY-CHECKED YET.

WELL, IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN SAFETY-CHECKED YET. WELL, THEN, I'LL PUT IT ON.

SAFETY-CHECKED YET. WELL, THEN, I'LL PUT IT ON. I KNOW THIS THING IS THE BEST IN

WELL, THEN, I'LL PUT IT ON. I KNOW THIS THING IS THE BEST IN ITS CLASS.

I KNOW THIS THING IS THE BEST IN ITS CLASS. I'VE WORKED DAY AND NIGHT TO

ITS CLASS. I'VE WORKED DAY AND NIGHT TO BUILD THIS THING... DAY AND

I'VE WORKED DAY AND NIGHT TO BUILD THIS THING... DAY AND NIGHT!

BUILD THIS THING... DAY AND NIGHT! IT NEEDS TO BE

NIGHT! IT NEEDS TO BE SAFETY-CHECKED, HOWARD.

IT NEEDS TO BE SAFETY-CHECKED, HOWARD. BUT, BOSS, I DON'T...

SAFETY-CHECKED, HOWARD. BUT, BOSS, I DON'T... VERY DANGEROUS, HOWARD.

BUT, BOSS, I DON'T... VERY DANGEROUS, HOWARD. YOU'RE GONNA KILL US ALL WITH...

VERY DANGEROUS, HOWARD. YOU'RE GONNA KILL US ALL WITH... OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE GONNA KILL US ALL WITH... OH, MY GOD! BOSS! WATCH IT!

OH, MY GOD! BOSS! WATCH IT! OH, MY GOD!

BOSS! WATCH IT! OH, MY GOD! BOSS! BOSS!

OH, MY GOD! BOSS! BOSS! OH! OH! HOWARD! HOWARD!

BOSS! BOSS! OH! OH! HOWARD! HOWARD! OH! OH!

OH! OH! HOWARD! HOWARD! OH! OH! BOSS! HEY!

OH! OH! BOSS! HEY! OH! OH!

BOSS! HEY! OH! OH! OH! HOWARD!

WE MUST HAVE MORE TIME!

WE MUST HAVE MORE TIME!

WE MUST HAVE MORE TIME!

OH!

Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN HERSTORY.

ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN HERSTORY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HERSTORY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, ON

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, ON MAY 8th, MADELINE KAHN IS GOING

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, ON MAY 8th, MADELINE KAHN IS GOING TO BE BACK.

MAY 8th, MADELINE KAHN IS GOING TO BE BACK. SHE WAS ON BEFORE, BUT BECAUSE

TO BE BACK. SHE WAS ON BEFORE, BUT BECAUSE OF THE STRIKE, WE COULDN'T DO A

SHE WAS ON BEFORE, BUT BECAUSE OF THE STRIKE, WE COULDN'T DO A COMPLETE SHOW, BUT SHE IS GOING

OF THE STRIKE, WE COULDN'T DO A COMPLETE SHOW, BUT SHE IS GOING TO BE BACK ON MAY 8th.

COMPLETE SHOW, BUT SHE IS GOING TO BE BACK ON MAY 8th. AND NOT ONLY IS MADELINE KAHN

TO BE BACK ON MAY 8th. AND NOT ONLY IS MADELINE KAHN GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW MAY 8th,

AND NOT ONLY IS MADELINE KAHN GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW MAY 8th, BUT CARLY SIMON, AS A SPECIAL

GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW MAY 8th, BUT CARLY SIMON, AS A SPECIAL MUSICAL GUEST.

BUT CARLY SIMON, AS A SPECIAL MUSICAL GUEST. AND SHE HASN'T BEEN SINGING IN A

MUSICAL GUEST. AND SHE HASN'T BEEN SINGING IN A LONG TIME.

AND SHE HASN'T BEEN SINGING IN A LONG TIME. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. NO. NO, NO.

WITH CHEVY CHASE. NO. NO, NO. IT'S JUST OUT OF BATTERIES.

NO. NO, NO. IT'S JUST OUT OF BATTERIES. [LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST OUT OF BATTERIES. [LAUGHTER] LISTEN, TAKE THE ELECTRIC

[LAUGHTER] LISTEN, TAKE THE ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH... I GOT TO GO.

LISTEN, TAKE THE ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH... I GOT TO GO. I GOT TO GO.

TOOTHBRUSH... I GOT TO GO. I GOT TO GO. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT TO GO. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] GOOD EVENING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU CAN'T.

GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU CAN'T. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU CAN'T. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN CRITICIZED ALL WEEK BY

PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN CRITICIZED ALL WEEK BY CONSERVATIVE SUPPORTERS FOR HIS

CRITICIZED ALL WEEK BY CONSERVATIVE SUPPORTERS FOR HIS APPEARANCE ON AND ENDORSEMENT OF

CONSERVATIVE SUPPORTERS FOR HIS APPEARANCE ON AND ENDORSEMENT OF A LATE-NIGHT COMEDY TV SHOW,

APPEARANCE ON AND ENDORSEMENT OF A LATE-NIGHT COMEDY TV SHOW, WHICH SPECIALIZES IN BAD TASTE,

A LATE-NIGHT COMEDY TV SHOW, WHICH SPECIALIZES IN BAD TASTE, CHEAP-SHOT HUMOR, AND FILTHY

WHICH SPECIALIZES IN BAD TASTE, CHEAP-SHOT HUMOR, AND FILTHY LANGUAGE WHEREVER POSSIBLE.

CHEAP-SHOT HUMOR, AND FILTHY LANGUAGE WHEREVER POSSIBLE. REPLYING TO ALLEGATIONS THAT THE

LANGUAGE WHEREVER POSSIBLE. REPLYING TO ALLEGATIONS THAT THE PROGRAM MADE THE PRESIDENT LOOK

REPLYING TO ALLEGATIONS THAT THE PROGRAM MADE THE PRESIDENT LOOK STUPID, MR. FORD REPORTEDLY

PROGRAM MADE THE PRESIDENT LOOK STUPID, MR. FORD REPORTEDLY SAID, "NONSENSE.

STUPID, MR. FORD REPORTEDLY SAID, "NONSENSE. PASS THE SOUP ONTO MY FACE,

SAID, "NONSENSE. PASS THE SOUP ONTO MY FACE, PLEASE."

PASS THE SOUP ONTO MY FACE, PLEASE." HE IS SEEN HERE READING THE

PLEASE." HE IS SEEN HERE READING THE STATEMENT FROM A BLANK PIECE OF

HE IS SEEN HERE READING THE STATEMENT FROM A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER.

STATEMENT FROM A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER. [LAUGHTER]

PAPER. [LAUGHTER] WELL, VICE PRESIDENT

[LAUGHTER] WELL, VICE PRESIDENT NELSON ROCKEFELLER STATED THAT

WELL, VICE PRESIDENT NELSON ROCKEFELLER STATED THAT HE BELIEVES THERE ARE COMMUNISTS

NELSON ROCKEFELLER STATED THAT HE BELIEVES THERE ARE COMMUNISTS IN HENRY JACKSON'S CAMPAIGN

HE BELIEVES THERE ARE COMMUNISTS IN HENRY JACKSON'S CAMPAIGN ORGANIZATION.

IN HENRY JACKSON'S CAMPAIGN ORGANIZATION. INFURIATED BY THE CHARGE,

ORGANIZATION. INFURIATED BY THE CHARGE, JACKSON DEMANDED AN IMMEDIATE

INFURIATED BY THE CHARGE, JACKSON DEMANDED AN IMMEDIATE RETRACTION AND APOLOGY AND

JACKSON DEMANDED AN IMMEDIATE RETRACTION AND APOLOGY AND CALLED FOR ROCKEFELLER'S

RETRACTION AND APOLOGY AND CALLED FOR ROCKEFELLER'S RESIGNATION.

CALLED FOR ROCKEFELLER'S RESIGNATION. TODAY, THE VICE PRESIDENT

RESIGNATION. TODAY, THE VICE PRESIDENT APOLOGIZED AND RESIGNED AND GAVE

TODAY, THE VICE PRESIDENT APOLOGIZED AND RESIGNED AND GAVE AWAY HIS ENTIRE FAMILY TO SINGER

APOLOGIZED AND RESIGNED AND GAVE AWAY HIS ENTIRE FAMILY TO SINGER ROY CLARK.

AWAY HIS ENTIRE FAMILY TO SINGER ROY CLARK. [LAUGHTER]

ROY CLARK. [LAUGHTER] LATER, JACKSON WAS SEEN PAWNING

[LAUGHTER] LATER, JACKSON WAS SEEN PAWNING HIS WATCH IN PENNSYLVANIA FOR

LATER, JACKSON WAS SEEN PAWNING HIS WATCH IN PENNSYLVANIA FOR ADDED CAMPAIGN FUNDS.

HIS WATCH IN PENNSYLVANIA FOR ADDED CAMPAIGN FUNDS. [LAUGHTER]

ADDED CAMPAIGN FUNDS. [LAUGHTER] THIS JUST IN...

[LAUGHTER] THIS JUST IN... 253 CONVICTED MURDERERS AND

THIS JUST IN... 253 CONVICTED MURDERERS AND RAPISTS HAVE REPORTEDLY ESCAPED

253 CONVICTED MURDERERS AND RAPISTS HAVE REPORTEDLY ESCAPED FROM A MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON

RAPISTS HAVE REPORTEDLY ESCAPED FROM A MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON NEAR THE SMALL TOWN OF

FROM A MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON NEAR THE SMALL TOWN OF KINGSDALE, MARYLAND.

NEAR THE SMALL TOWN OF KINGSDALE, MARYLAND. RESIDENTS ARE ADVISED TO ANSWER

KINGSDALE, MARYLAND. RESIDENTS ARE ADVISED TO ANSWER THEIR DOORS VERY POLITELY.

RESIDENTS ARE ADVISED TO ANSWER THEIR DOORS VERY POLITELY. [LAUGHTER]

THEIR DOORS VERY POLITELY. [LAUGHTER] DR. TIMOTHY LEARY, GURU OF THE

[LAUGHTER] DR. TIMOTHY LEARY, GURU OF THE 1960s LSD PSYCHEDELIC ERA, WAS

DR. TIMOTHY LEARY, GURU OF THE 1960s LSD PSYCHEDELIC ERA, WAS PAROLED AND RELEASED FROM PRISON

1960s LSD PSYCHEDELIC ERA, WAS PAROLED AND RELEASED FROM PRISON THIS WEEK.

PAROLED AND RELEASED FROM PRISON THIS WEEK. LEARY HAD WON NOTORIETY FOR

THIS WEEK. LEARY HAD WON NOTORIETY FOR ADVISING YOUNG PEOPLE TO TUNE

LEARY HAD WON NOTORIETY FOR ADVISING YOUNG PEOPLE TO TUNE IN, TURN ON, AND DROP OUT.

ADVISING YOUNG PEOPLE TO TUNE IN, TURN ON, AND DROP OUT. HE WON HIS RELEASE AFTER TELLING

IN, TURN ON, AND DROP OUT. HE WON HIS RELEASE AFTER TELLING THE PAROLE BOARD THAT HE WOULD

HE WON HIS RELEASE AFTER TELLING THE PAROLE BOARD THAT HE WOULD ADVISE YOUNG PEOPLE TO TUNE OUT,

THE PAROLE BOARD THAT HE WOULD ADVISE YOUNG PEOPLE TO TUNE OUT, TURN IN, AND GIVE UP.

ADVISE YOUNG PEOPLE TO TUNE OUT, TURN IN, AND GIVE UP. WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS FUTURE

TURN IN, AND GIVE UP. WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS FUTURE PLANS, HE REPLIED, "I DON'T

WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS FUTURE PLANS, HE REPLIED, "I DON'T KNOW, BUT FIRST, I GUESS I'LL

PLANS, HE REPLIED, "I DON'T KNOW, BUT FIRST, I GUESS I'LL JUST TAKE A LITTLE TRIP

KNOW, BUT FIRST, I GUESS I'LL JUST TAKE A LITTLE TRIP SOMEWHERE."

JUST TAKE A LITTLE TRIP SOMEWHERE." [LIGHT LAUGHTER]

SOMEWHERE." [LIGHT LAUGHTER] JIMMY CARTER SAID IN HIS

[LIGHT LAUGHTER] JIMMY CARTER SAID IN HIS CAMPAIGN THAT HE IS INCAPABLE OF

JIMMY CARTER SAID IN HIS CAMPAIGN THAT HE IS INCAPABLE OF TELLING A LIE.

CAMPAIGN THAT HE IS INCAPABLE OF TELLING A LIE. WELL, YESTERDAY, IN

TELLING A LIE. WELL, YESTERDAY, IN PENNSYLVANIA, A FACTORY WORKER

WELL, YESTERDAY, IN PENNSYLVANIA, A FACTORY WORKER ASKED CARTER WHY HE WANTS TO BE

PENNSYLVANIA, A FACTORY WORKER ASKED CARTER WHY HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT.

ASKED CARTER WHY HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT. CARTER ALLEGEDLY ANSWERED, "TO

PRESIDENT. CARTER ALLEGEDLY ANSWERED, "TO TELL THE HONEST TRUTH, I WISH TO

CARTER ALLEGEDLY ANSWERED, "TO TELL THE HONEST TRUTH, I WISH TO BE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THE POWER

TELL THE HONEST TRUTH, I WISH TO BE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THE POWER OF THE OFFICE WOULD GET ME OFF

BE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THE POWER OF THE OFFICE WOULD GET ME OFF SEXUALLY."

OF THE OFFICE WOULD GET ME OFF SEXUALLY." [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEXUALLY." [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] AND ONCE AGAIN, GEORGE WALLACE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] AND ONCE AGAIN, GEORGE WALLACE WAS QUESTIONED BY REPORTERS AS

AND ONCE AGAIN, GEORGE WALLACE WAS QUESTIONED BY REPORTERS AS TO HIS PHYSICAL CAPABILITIES TO

WAS QUESTIONED BY REPORTERS AS TO HIS PHYSICAL CAPABILITIES TO HANDLE THE PRESIDENCY.

TO HIS PHYSICAL CAPABILITIES TO HANDLE THE PRESIDENCY. AIMING TO SET THE RECORD

HANDLE THE PRESIDENCY. AIMING TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT ON THIS ISSUE ONCE AND

AIMING TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT ON THIS ISSUE ONCE AND FOR ALL, WALLACE DEMONSTRATED

STRAIGHT ON THIS ISSUE ONCE AND FOR ALL, WALLACE DEMONSTRATED HIS STRENGTH AT A LUNCHEON TODAY

FOR ALL, WALLACE DEMONSTRATED HIS STRENGTH AT A LUNCHEON TODAY BY CRUSHING A SMALL CHILD WITH

HIS STRENGTH AT A LUNCHEON TODAY BY CRUSHING A SMALL CHILD WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

BY CRUSHING A SMALL CHILD WITH HIS BARE HANDS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HIS BARE HANDS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THE 103rd RUNNING OF THE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THE 103rd RUNNING OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY TAKES PLACE NEXT

THE 103rd RUNNING OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY TAKES PLACE NEXT WEEK, AND THE ODDS-ON FAVORITE

KENTUCKY DERBY TAKES PLACE NEXT WEEK, AND THE ODDS-ON FAVORITE IS SAID TO BE HONEST PLEASURE.

WEEK, AND THE ODDS-ON FAVORITE IS SAID TO BE HONEST PLEASURE. CHURCHILL DOWNS TODAY REPORTED

IS SAID TO BE HONEST PLEASURE. CHURCHILL DOWNS TODAY REPORTED THAT IT HAS ACCEPTED AN ENTRY BY

CHURCHILL DOWNS TODAY REPORTED THAT IT HAS ACCEPTED AN ENTRY BY RUFFIAN, THE LATE FILLY, WHO IS

THAT IT HAS ACCEPTED AN ENTRY BY RUFFIAN, THE LATE FILLY, WHO IS NOW A 3-YEAR-OLD AND FINALLY

RUFFIAN, THE LATE FILLY, WHO IS NOW A 3-YEAR-OLD AND FINALLY ELIGIBLE TO RUN.

NOW A 3-YEAR-OLD AND FINALLY ELIGIBLE TO RUN. INSIDERS BELIEVE SHE WILL

ELIGIBLE TO RUN. INSIDERS BELIEVE SHE WILL BE RIDDEN BY JOCKEY

INSIDERS BELIEVE SHE WILL BE RIDDEN BY JOCKEY FRANCISCO FRANCO, WHO, IT IS

BE RIDDEN BY JOCKEY FRANCISCO FRANCO, WHO, IT IS SAID, IS FINALLY DOWN TO RACING

FRANCISCO FRANCO, WHO, IT IS SAID, IS FINALLY DOWN TO RACING WEIGHT.

SAID, IS FINALLY DOWN TO RACING WEIGHT. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WEIGHT. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] RIGHT NOW, LET'S GO TO

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] RIGHT NOW, LET'S GO TO LARAINE NEWMAN, OUR

RIGHT NOW, LET'S GO TO LARAINE NEWMAN, OUR "WEEKEND UPDATE" ELECTION '76

LARAINE NEWMAN, OUR "WEEKEND UPDATE" ELECTION '76 POLITICAL ANALYST.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ELECTION '76 POLITICAL ANALYST. LARAINE?

POLITICAL ANALYST. LARAINE? LARAINE?

LARAINE? LARAINE? THANK YOU, CHEVY.

LARAINE? THANK YOU, CHEVY. AS THE MIDDLE PRIMARIES APPROACH

THANK YOU, CHEVY. AS THE MIDDLE PRIMARIES APPROACH US IN THIS ELECTION '76,

AS THE MIDDLE PRIMARIES APPROACH US IN THIS ELECTION '76, "SATURDAY NIGHT" ASKED 1,200

US IN THIS ELECTION '76, "SATURDAY NIGHT" ASKED 1,200 RESPONDENTS WHOM THEY PLAN TO

"SATURDAY NIGHT" ASKED 1,200 RESPONDENTS WHOM THEY PLAN TO VOTE FOR THIS NOVEMBER.

RESPONDENTS WHOM THEY PLAN TO VOTE FOR THIS NOVEMBER. "SATURDAY NIGHT" ASKED ME TO

VOTE FOR THIS NOVEMBER. "SATURDAY NIGHT" ASKED ME TO ANALYZE THE RESULTS, WHICH WENT

"SATURDAY NIGHT" ASKED ME TO ANALYZE THE RESULTS, WHICH WENT LIKE THIS.

AS YOU CAN SEE, MORE PEOPLE

VOTED, 23%, "DON'T KNOW" THAN

FOR ANY CANDIDATE.

WHO ARE THESE "DON'T KNOWS," AND

WHY DON'T THEY KNOW?

WE ASKED THE "DON'T KNOWS" SOME

QUESTIONS, AND THERE ARE SOME

INTERESTING RESULTS.

OF THE PEOPLE WHO ANSWERED

"DON'T KNOW," 31% ARE MALE, 35%

ARE FEMALE, AND 36% DON'T KNOW.

WHEN ASKED WHY THEY DON'T KNOW WHOM TO VOTE FOR, 45% SAID THEY DON'T CARE, 12% SAID THEY RESENT

WHOM TO VOTE FOR, 45% SAID THEY DON'T CARE, 12% SAID THEY RESENT THE POLL, AND 32% SAID THEY

DON'T CARE, 12% SAID THEY RESENT THE POLL, AND 32% SAID THEY DON'T KNOW.

THE POLL, AND 32% SAID THEY DON'T KNOW. WHEN ASKED WHEN THEY WILL KNOW,

DON'T KNOW. WHEN ASKED WHEN THEY WILL KNOW, 13% SAID THEY WOULD KNOW SOON,

WHEN ASKED WHEN THEY WILL KNOW, 13% SAID THEY WOULD KNOW SOON, 47% SAID THEY WOULD NEVER KNOW,

13% SAID THEY WOULD KNOW SOON, 47% SAID THEY WOULD NEVER KNOW, AND 40% DON'T KNOW.

47% SAID THEY WOULD NEVER KNOW, AND 40% DON'T KNOW. ALREADY THIS CAMPAIGN, THE

AND 40% DON'T KNOW. ALREADY THIS CAMPAIGN, THE "DON'T KNOWS" HAVE PLAYED A

ALREADY THIS CAMPAIGN, THE "DON'T KNOWS" HAVE PLAYED A SIGNIFICANT ROLE.

"DON'T KNOWS" HAVE PLAYED A SIGNIFICANT ROLE. GEORGE WALLACE COUNTED HEAVILY

SIGNIFICANT ROLE. GEORGE WALLACE COUNTED HEAVILY UPON THIS GROUP IN HIS EARLY

GEORGE WALLACE COUNTED HEAVILY UPON THIS GROUP IN HIS EARLY PRIMARIES, BUT THEY DIDN'T TURN

UPON THIS GROUP IN HIS EARLY PRIMARIES, BUT THEY DIDN'T TURN OUT.

PRIMARIES, BUT THEY DIDN'T TURN OUT. IF ONE CANDIDATE CAN CAPTURE

OUT. IF ONE CANDIDATE CAN CAPTURE THESE "DON'T KNOWS," HE'LL BE

IF ONE CANDIDATE CAN CAPTURE THESE "DON'T KNOWS," HE'LL BE WAY AHEAD OF THE PACK.

THESE "DON'T KNOWS," HE'LL BE WAY AHEAD OF THE PACK. BUT THE QUESTION BECOMES HOW TO

WAY AHEAD OF THE PACK. BUT THE QUESTION BECOMES HOW TO GET THE "DON'T KNOWS" INTERESTED

BUT THE QUESTION BECOMES HOW TO GET THE "DON'T KNOWS" INTERESTED IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS, HOW TO

GET THE "DON'T KNOWS" INTERESTED IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS, HOW TO GET THEM TO THE POLLS, AND HOW

IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS, HOW TO GET THEM TO THE POLLS, AND HOW TO GET THEM TO MARK THE BALLOT

GET THEM TO THE POLLS, AND HOW TO GET THEM TO MARK THE BALLOT IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

TO GET THEM TO MARK THE BALLOT IN THE RIGHT PLACE. HOW DOES A CANDIDATE DO THIS?

IN THE RIGHT PLACE. HOW DOES A CANDIDATE DO THIS? I DON'T KNOW.

HOW DOES A CANDIDATE DO THIS? I DON'T KNOW. LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING.

I DON'T KNOW. LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING. [APPLAUSE]

LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING. [APPLAUSE] TWO WEEKS AGO,

[APPLAUSE] TWO WEEKS AGO, HENRY KISSINGER CALLED WOODWARD

TWO WEEKS AGO, HENRY KISSINGER CALLED WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN'S BOOK

HENRY KISSINGER CALLED WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN'S BOOK "FINAL DAYS" IRRESPONSIBLE AND

AND BERNSTEIN'S BOOK "FINAL DAYS" IRRESPONSIBLE AND SAID THE AUTHORS "LACK

"FINAL DAYS" IRRESPONSIBLE AND SAID THE AUTHORS "LACK COMPASSION."

SAID THE AUTHORS "LACK COMPASSION." TODAY, KISSINGER, WHO IS THE

COMPASSION." TODAY, KISSINGER, WHO IS THE COMPASSIONATE ARCHITECT OF

TODAY, KISSINGER, WHO IS THE COMPASSIONATE ARCHITECT OF RICHARD NIXON'S COMPASSIONATE

COMPASSIONATE ARCHITECT OF RICHARD NIXON'S COMPASSIONATE VIETNAM POLICY, GOT A REPLY FROM

RICHARD NIXON'S COMPASSIONATE VIETNAM POLICY, GOT A REPLY FROM WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN WHO SAID

VIETNAM POLICY, GOT A REPLY FROM WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN WHO SAID THAT THEY DON'T MEAN TO KICK A

WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN WHO SAID THAT THEY DON'T MEAN TO KICK A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN.

THAT THEY DON'T MEAN TO KICK A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN. THEY MEAN TO KICK HIM, BREAK HIS

MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN. THEY MEAN TO KICK HIM, BREAK HIS THUMBS, DANCE ON HIS FACE WITH

THEY MEAN TO KICK HIM, BREAK HIS THUMBS, DANCE ON HIS FACE WITH GOLF SHOES, AND CRACK HIS TEETH

THUMBS, DANCE ON HIS FACE WITH GOLF SHOES, AND CRACK HIS TEETH WITH A SMALL HAMMER.

GOLF SHOES, AND CRACK HIS TEETH WITH A SMALL HAMMER. ACCORDING TO WELL-PLACED STATE

WITH A SMALL HAMMER. ACCORDING TO WELL-PLACED STATE DEPARTMENT SOURCES,

ACCORDING TO WELL-PLACED STATE DEPARTMENT SOURCES, HENRY KISSINGER HAS BEEN SOLD TO

DEPARTMENT SOURCES, HENRY KISSINGER HAS BEEN SOLD TO THE CLEVELAND INDIANS FOR A

HENRY KISSINGER HAS BEEN SOLD TO THE CLEVELAND INDIANS FOR A REPORTED $12 MILLION, THE

THE CLEVELAND INDIANS FOR A REPORTED $12 MILLION, THE HIGHEST PRICE EVER PAID BY A

REPORTED $12 MILLION, THE HIGHEST PRICE EVER PAID BY A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM FOR A

HIGHEST PRICE EVER PAID BY A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM FOR A SECRETARY OF STATE.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM FOR A SECRETARY OF STATE. WELL, NBC'S BARBARA WALTERS HAS

SECRETARY OF STATE. WELL, NBC'S BARBARA WALTERS HAS LEFT THE NETWORK FOR A REPORTED

WELL, NBC'S BARBARA WALTERS HAS LEFT THE NETWORK FOR A REPORTED $5 MILLION JOB IN ABC'S NEWS

LEFT THE NETWORK FOR A REPORTED $5 MILLION JOB IN ABC'S NEWS DEPARTMENT.

$5 MILLION JOB IN ABC'S NEWS DEPARTMENT. HERE WITH A LIVE INTERVIEW WITH

DEPARTMENT. HERE WITH A LIVE INTERVIEW WITH MS. WALTERS IS CORRESPONDENT

HERE WITH A LIVE INTERVIEW WITH MS. WALTERS IS CORRESPONDENT GARRETT MORRIS.

MS. WALTERS IS CORRESPONDENT GARRETT MORRIS. MS. WALTERS, WE UNDERSTAND

GARRETT MORRIS. MS. WALTERS, WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE JUST SIGNED A

MS. WALTERS, WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE JUST SIGNED A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH

THAT YOU HAVE JUST SIGNED A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH ABC.

MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH ABC. WHY?

ABC. WHY? TOM SNYDER.

WHY? TOM SNYDER. YOU AND MR. SNYDER DON'T GET

TOM SNYDER. YOU AND MR. SNYDER DON'T GET ALONG WELL?

YOU AND MR. SNYDER DON'T GET ALONG WELL? I SIMPLY CANNOT SEE HIS EARS.

ALONG WELL? I SIMPLY CANNOT SEE HIS EARS. HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT?

I SIMPLY CANNOT SEE HIS EARS. HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT? IT'S THE WAY THE MAN WEARS HIS

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT? IT'S THE WAY THE MAN WEARS HIS HAIR... WIGHT OVER HIS EARS.

IT LOOKS LIKE HE CUTS HIS HAIR

IN HOWAND OR SOMETHING.

WHERE?

HOWAND.

IT'S JUST NORTH OF FWANCE.

UH, UH, ARE YOU SURE YOUR LEAVING NBC HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MONEY, I MEAN, THE

LEAVING NBC HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MONEY, I MEAN, THE MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR?

WITH THE MONEY, I MEAN, THE MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR? IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR? IT'S NOT THE MONEY. IT'S HIS EARS... NO EARS.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY. IT'S HIS EARS... NO EARS. IT WOOKS SIWWY.

IT'S HIS EARS... NO EARS. IT WOOKS SIWWY. UH, WHEN DOES YOUR CONTRACT

IT WOOKS SIWWY. UH, WHEN DOES YOUR CONTRACT WITH ABC GO INTO EFFECT?

UH, WHEN DOES YOUR CONTRACT WITH ABC GO INTO EFFECT? AS SOON AS I WEARN TO

WITH ABC GO INTO EFFECT? AS SOON AS I WEARN TO PRONOUNCE HAWWY WEASONER.

AS SOON AS I WEARN TO PRONOUNCE HAWWY WEASONER. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PRONOUNCE HAWWY WEASONER. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] UH, THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] UH, THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS REPORTING.

UH, THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS REPORTING. THIS STORY JUST IN FROM

REPORTING. THIS STORY JUST IN FROM EGYPT.

THIS STORY JUST IN FROM EGYPT. THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL JOURNEYED

EGYPT. THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL JOURNEYED FROM RAMSES TO SUKKOTH, ABOUT

THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL JOURNEYED FROM RAMSES TO SUKKOTH, ABOUT 600,000 ON FOOT THAT WERE MEN

FROM RAMSES TO SUKKOTH, ABOUT 600,000 ON FOOT THAT WERE MEN BESIDE CHILDREN.

600,000 ON FOOT THAT WERE MEN BESIDE CHILDREN. AND A MIXED MULTITUDE WENT UP

BESIDE CHILDREN. AND A MIXED MULTITUDE WENT UP ALSO WITH THEM AND FLOCKS AND

AND A MIXED MULTITUDE WENT UP ALSO WITH THEM AND FLOCKS AND HERDS EVEN VERY MUCH CATTLE.

ALSO WITH THEM AND FLOCKS AND HERDS EVEN VERY MUCH CATTLE. AND THEY BAKED UNLEAVENED CAKES

HERDS EVEN VERY MUCH CATTLE. AND THEY BAKED UNLEAVENED CAKES OF THE DOUGH WHICH THEY BROUGHT

AND THEY BAKED UNLEAVENED CAKES OF THE DOUGH WHICH THEY BROUGHT FORTH OUT OF EGYPT FOR WAS NOT

OF THE DOUGH WHICH THEY BROUGHT FORTH OUT OF EGYPT FOR WAS NOT LEAVEN BECAUSE THEY WERE THRUST

FORTH OUT OF EGYPT FOR WAS NOT LEAVEN BECAUSE THEY WERE THRUST OUT OF EGYPT AND COULD NOT

LEAVEN BECAUSE THEY WERE THRUST OUT OF EGYPT AND COULD NOT TARRY.

OUT OF EGYPT AND COULD NOT TARRY. NEITHER HAD THEY PREPARED FOR

TARRY. NEITHER HAD THEY PREPARED FOR THEMSELVES ANY VICTUAL.

NEITHER HAD THEY PREPARED FOR THEMSELVES ANY VICTUAL. MORE ON THIS STORY LATER.

THEMSELVES ANY VICTUAL. MORE ON THIS STORY LATER. STILL TO COME, A WEDDING IN

MORE ON THIS STORY LATER. STILL TO COME, A WEDDING IN BEIRUT AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

HI. I'M GORE VIDAL. 200 YEARS AGO TODAY, MY

I'M GORE VIDAL. 200 YEARS AGO TODAY, MY ANCESTORS PLANTED THE FIRST

200 YEARS AGO TODAY, MY ANCESTORS PLANTED THE FIRST SEEDS FROM WHICH THIS NATION

ANCESTORS PLANTED THE FIRST SEEDS FROM WHICH THIS NATION WOULD ULTIMATELY GROW.

SEEDS FROM WHICH THIS NATION WOULD ULTIMATELY GROW. AARON BURR, A RELATIVE THROUGH

WOULD ULTIMATELY GROW. AARON BURR, A RELATIVE THROUGH MARRIAGE, WAS MOVING INTO

AARON BURR, A RELATIVE THROUGH MARRIAGE, WAS MOVING INTO POSITION TO BECOME THE THIRD

MARRIAGE, WAS MOVING INTO POSITION TO BECOME THE THIRD PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

POSITION TO BECOME THE THIRD PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. THE BOUVIER FAMILY, OF WHICH

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. THE BOUVIER FAMILY, OF WHICH JACQUELINE KENNEDY WAS A PART,

THE BOUVIER FAMILY, OF WHICH JACQUELINE KENNEDY WAS A PART, WERE DISTINGUISHING THEMSELVES

JACQUELINE KENNEDY WAS A PART, WERE DISTINGUISHING THEMSELVES IN SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC CIRCLES,

WERE DISTINGUISHING THEMSELVES IN SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC CIRCLES, AND MY OWN GREAT-GRANDPARENTS

IN SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC CIRCLES, AND MY OWN GREAT-GRANDPARENTS WERE SIRING MY GRANDFATHER,

AND MY OWN GREAT-GRANDPARENTS WERE SIRING MY GRANDFATHER, SENATOR THOMAS GORE.

WERE SIRING MY GRANDFATHER, SENATOR THOMAS GORE. LITTLE DID ANY OF THESE PEOPLE

SENATOR THOMAS GORE. LITTLE DID ANY OF THESE PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEIR GREAT-GRANDSON,

LITTLE DID ANY OF THESE PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEIR GREAT-GRANDSON, ME, WOULD GO ON TO BECOME THE

KNOW THAT THEIR GREAT-GRANDSON, ME, WOULD GO ON TO BECOME THE ONLY LITERARY FIGURE OF THE 20th

ME, WOULD GO ON TO BECOME THE ONLY LITERARY FIGURE OF THE 20th CENTURY WHO WHINES.

ONLY LITERARY FIGURE OF THE 20th CENTURY WHO WHINES. I'M GORE VIDAL.

CENTURY WHO WHINES. I'M GORE VIDAL. AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS.

I'M GORE VIDAL. AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS. Announcer: THE PRECEDING HAS

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS. Announcer: THE PRECEDING HAS BEEN A BISEXUAL MINUTE.

AND NOW HERE IS CHIEF METEOROLOGIST JOHN BELUSHI TO DISCUSS SONGS WRITTEN ABOUT THE

METEOROLOGIST JOHN BELUSHI TO DISCUSS SONGS WRITTEN ABOUT THE WEATHER.

DISCUSS SONGS WRITTEN ABOUT THE WEATHER. HIS TALK TONIGHT IS ENTITLED

WEATHER. HIS TALK TONIGHT IS ENTITLED "DOWNPOURS AND DOWNBEATS."

HIS TALK TONIGHT IS ENTITLED "DOWNPOURS AND DOWNBEATS." JOHN.

"DOWNPOURS AND DOWNBEATS." JOHN. THANK YOU, CHEVY.

JOHN. THANK YOU, CHEVY. YOU KNOW, THROUGHOUT HISTORY,

THANK YOU, CHEVY. YOU KNOW, THROUGHOUT HISTORY, MAN HAS WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT

YOU KNOW, THROUGHOUT HISTORY, MAN HAS WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT WEATHER AND CLIMATIC CONDITIONS,

MAN HAS WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT WEATHER AND CLIMATIC CONDITIONS, "STORMY WEATHER," "RAINDROPS

WEATHER AND CLIMATIC CONDITIONS, "STORMY WEATHER," "RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD,"

"STORMY WEATHER," "RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD," "APRIL SHOWERS,"

KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD," "APRIL SHOWERS," "WE'RE HAVING A HEAT WAVE,"

"APRIL SHOWERS," "WE'RE HAVING A HEAT WAVE," "A FOGGY DAY IN LONDON TOWN,"

"WE'RE HAVING A HEAT WAVE," "A FOGGY DAY IN LONDON TOWN," "MISTY," AND

"A FOGGY DAY IN LONDON TOWN," "MISTY," AND "YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE," TO

"MISTY," AND "YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE," TO NAME BUT A FEW.

"YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE," TO NAME BUT A FEW. MOST OF THESE SONGS ARE HARMLESS

NAME BUT A FEW. MOST OF THESE SONGS ARE HARMLESS ENOUGH, BUT A FEW SPREAD

MOST OF THESE SONGS ARE HARMLESS ENOUGH, BUT A FEW SPREAD DANGEROUS MISINFORMATION ABOUT

ENOUGH, BUT A FEW SPREAD DANGEROUS MISINFORMATION ABOUT WEATHER AND ITS EFFECT.

DANGEROUS MISINFORMATION ABOUT WEATHER AND ITS EFFECT. TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, "IT NEVER

WEATHER AND ITS EFFECT. TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, "IT NEVER RAINS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,"

TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, "IT NEVER RAINS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA," WHEREAS, IN REALITY, SOUTHERN

RAINS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA," WHEREAS, IN REALITY, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA HAS A NORMAL ANNUAL

WHEREAS, IN REALITY, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA HAS A NORMAL ANNUAL PRECIPITATION OF 14.68 INCHES.

CALIFORNIA HAS A NORMAL ANNUAL PRECIPITATION OF 14.68 INCHES. OR CONSIDER THE IRRESPONSIBLE

PRECIPITATION OF 14.68 INCHES. OR CONSIDER THE IRRESPONSIBLE MELODY ABOUT WINTER... "LET IT

OR CONSIDER THE IRRESPONSIBLE MELODY ABOUT WINTER... "LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW."

MELODY ABOUT WINTER... "LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW." ALL VERY EASY TO SAY, BUT WHAT

SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW." ALL VERY EASY TO SAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE THOUSANDS OF LIVESTOCK

ALL VERY EASY TO SAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE THOUSANDS OF LIVESTOCK WHO FREEZE TO DEATH OR STARVE AS

ABOUT THE THOUSANDS OF LIVESTOCK WHO FREEZE TO DEATH OR STARVE AS A RESULT OF HEAVY SNOWFALLS EACH

WHO FREEZE TO DEATH OR STARVE AS A RESULT OF HEAVY SNOWFALLS EACH YEAR?

A RESULT OF HEAVY SNOWFALLS EACH YEAR? I DOUBT THAT THESE POOR,

YEAR? I DOUBT THAT THESE POOR, SUFFERING ANIMALS WOULD FIND THE

I DOUBT THAT THESE POOR, SUFFERING ANIMALS WOULD FIND THE WEATHER OUTSIDE DELIGHTFUL.

SUFFERING ANIMALS WOULD FIND THE WEATHER OUTSIDE DELIGHTFUL. THE OTHER DAY, WHILE RIDING IN

WEATHER OUTSIDE DELIGHTFUL. THE OTHER DAY, WHILE RIDING IN AN ESCALATOR, I HEARD

THE OTHER DAY, WHILE RIDING IN AN ESCALATOR, I HEARD ROBERT GOULET SINGING

AN ESCALATOR, I HEARD ROBERT GOULET SINGING "DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE."

ROBERT GOULET SINGING "DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE." PEOPLE ALWAYS ARE SINGING ABOUT

"DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE." PEOPLE ALWAYS ARE SINGING ABOUT "DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE."

PEOPLE ALWAYS ARE SINGING ABOUT "DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE." BUT THERE ARE A LOT WORSE THINGS

"DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE." BUT THERE ARE A LOT WORSE THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN TO THEIR

BUT THERE ARE A LOT WORSE THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN TO THEIR PARADE THAN A LITTLE RAIN.

THAT COULD HAPPEN TO THEIR PARADE THAN A LITTLE RAIN. WHAT ABOUT "DON'T BLOW YOUR NOSE

PARADE THAN A LITTLE RAIN. WHAT ABOUT "DON'T BLOW YOUR NOSE ON MY PARADE," HUH?

WHAT ABOUT "DON'T BLOW YOUR NOSE ON MY PARADE," HUH? OH, THAT'S THE SORT OF THING

ON MY PARADE," HUH? OH, THAT'S THE SORT OF THING THAT COULD REALLY RUIN A PARADE.

OH, THAT'S THE SORT OF THING THAT COULD REALLY RUIN A PARADE. OR WHAT ABOUT, "DON'T THROW UP

THAT COULD REALLY RUIN A PARADE. OR WHAT ABOUT, "DON'T THROW UP ON MY PARADE" OR "DON'T DUMP

OR WHAT ABOUT, "DON'T THROW UP ON MY PARADE" OR "DON'T DUMP YOUR KITTY LITTER ON MY PARADE"

ON MY PARADE" OR "DON'T DUMP YOUR KITTY LITTER ON MY PARADE" OR "DON'T DRAIN YOUR BOILS ON MY

YOUR KITTY LITTER ON MY PARADE" OR "DON'T DRAIN YOUR BOILS ON MY PARADE"?

OR "DON'T DRAIN YOUR BOILS ON MY PARADE"? AFTER A FEW THINGS LIKE THAT, A

PARADE"? AFTER A FEW THINGS LIKE THAT, A LITTLE RAIN WOULDN'T SEEM SO

AFTER A FEW THINGS LIKE THAT, A LITTLE RAIN WOULDN'T SEEM SO BAD, WOULD IT?

LITTLE RAIN WOULDN'T SEEM SO BAD, WOULD IT? AFTER THAT, YOU MIGHT EVEN WANT

BAD, WOULD IT? AFTER THAT, YOU MIGHT EVEN WANT IT TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE.

AFTER THAT, YOU MIGHT EVEN WANT IT TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE. YOU MIGHT EVEN HEAR

IT TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE. YOU MIGHT EVEN HEAR ROBERT GOULET SING,

YOU MIGHT EVEN HEAR ROBERT GOULET SING, "PLEASE RAIN ON MY PARADE," YOU

ROBERT GOULET SING, "PLEASE RAIN ON MY PARADE," YOU KNOW?

"PLEASE RAIN ON MY PARADE," YOU KNOW? JOHN. JOHN.

KNOW? JOHN. JOHN. WAIT A MINUTE.

JOHN. JOHN. WAIT A MINUTE. YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT REALLY HONKS ME OFF, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT REALLY HONKS ME OFF, HUH? "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW."

REALLY HONKS ME OFF, HUH? "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW." NOW, NOT THE SONG SO MUCH AS THE

"SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW." NOW, NOT THE SONG SO MUCH AS THE MOVIE.

NOW, NOT THE SONG SO MUCH AS THE MOVIE. JOHN.

MOVIE. JOHN. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

JOHN. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. JUST LET ME SAY SOMETHING.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. JUST LET ME SAY SOMETHING. NOW, THE TIN MAN GOT A HEART,

JUST LET ME SAY SOMETHING. NOW, THE TIN MAN GOT A HEART, OKAY?

NOW, THE TIN MAN GOT A HEART, OKAY? THE SCARECROW GOT A BRAIN.

OKAY? THE SCARECROW GOT A BRAIN. EVERYBODY GOT SOMETHING BUT

THE SCARECROW GOT A BRAIN. EVERYBODY GOT SOMETHING BUT TOTO.

EVERYBODY GOT SOMETHING BUT TOTO. TOTO GOT DIDDLY.

TOTO. TOTO GOT DIDDLY. JOHN.

TOTO GOT DIDDLY. JOHN. NOW, NOW, WAIT.

JOHN. NOW, NOW, WAIT. NOW, IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S AN

NOW, NOW, WAIT. NOW, IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL BECAUSE THE LION WAS AN

NOW, IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL BECAUSE THE LION WAS AN ANIMAL, AND HE GOT A MEDAL, YOU

ANIMAL BECAUSE THE LION WAS AN ANIMAL, AND HE GOT A MEDAL, YOU KNOW?

ANIMAL, AND HE GOT A MEDAL, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, THE WIZARD... IF THE

KNOW? I MEAN, THE WIZARD... IF THE WIZARD WAS ONLY SMART ENOUGH.

I MEAN, THE WIZARD... IF THE WIZARD WAS ONLY SMART ENOUGH. IF HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM

WIZARD WAS ONLY SMART ENOUGH. IF HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

IF HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM SOMETHING, YOU KNOW? JOHN.

SOMETHING, YOU KNOW? JOHN. DON'T TOUCH ME!

JOHN. DON'T TOUCH ME! NOW, THE WIZARD, HE COULD HAVE

DON'T TOUCH ME! NOW, THE WIZARD, HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM SOMETHING... A LIVER

NOW, THE WIZARD, HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM SOMETHING... A LIVER SNAP.

GIVEN HIM SOMETHING... A LIVER SNAP. HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A LIVER

SNAP. HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A LIVER SNAP, RIGHT?

HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A LIVER SNAP, RIGHT? HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A

SNAP, RIGHT? HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A DOG-AND-TICK... FLEA-AND-TICK

HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A DOG-AND-TICK... FLEA-AND-TICK COLLAR OR SOMETHING, JUST A

DOG-AND-TICK... FLEA-AND-TICK COLLAR OR SOMETHING, JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

COLLAR OR SOMETHING, JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING, YOU KNOW? NO BIG DEAL.

LITTLE SOMETHING, YOU KNOW? NO BIG DEAL. TOTO'S A LITTLE DOG!

NO BIG DEAL. TOTO'S A LITTLE DOG! [SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY]

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TOMORROW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND NOW, HERE'S

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND NOW, HERE'S JOHN SEBASTIAN.

AND NOW, HERE'S JOHN SEBASTIAN. [INTRO TO "WELCOME BACK"

JOHN SEBASTIAN. [INTRO TO "WELCOME BACK" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "WELCOME BACK" PLAYS] ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] CAN I START AGAIN?

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] CAN I START AGAIN? ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

CAN I START AGAIN? ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK HOW

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW ♪

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW ♪ [LAUGHING]

♪ AND I KNOW ♪ [LAUGHING] [MUSIC STOPS]

[LAUGHING] [MUSIC STOPS] ONE, TWO, A ONE, TWO, THREE,

[MUSIC STOPS] ONE, TWO, A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

ONE, TWO, A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. [INTRO TO "WELCOME BACK"

FOUR. [INTRO TO "WELCOME BACK" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "WELCOME BACK" PLAYS] ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE YOUR TICKET

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE YOUR TICKET OUT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

OUT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE THAT

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪ ♪ WELL, THE NAMES HAVE ALL

YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪ ♪ WELL, THE NAMES HAVE ALL CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ WELL, THE NAMES HAVE ALL CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪ ♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED

CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪ ♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪ ♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD

AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪ ♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪ ♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD

YA ♪ ♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪ ♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

YA ♪ ♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT

♪ HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ SING THIS PART.

WELCOME BACK ♪ SING THIS PART. ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

SING THIS PART. ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WE ALWAYS COULD SPOT A

WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WE ALWAYS COULD SPOT A FRIEND ♪

♪ WE ALWAYS COULD SPOT A FRIEND ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

FRIEND ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK HOW

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE YOU

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪ ♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE YOU WERE LEARNING IN ♪

♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE YOU WERE LEARNING IN ♪ ♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT MADE

WERE LEARNING IN ♪ ♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪

♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ AND WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪

YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ AND WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪ ♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ AND WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪ ♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS]

♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE YOU WERE LEARNING IN ♪ ♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT MADE

WERE LEARNING IN ♪ ♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪

♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ AND WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪

YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ AND WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪ ♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ AND WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪ ♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ SING.

WELCOME BACK ♪ SING. ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

SING. ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT 'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK,

WELCOME BACK ♪ ♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, I'M LORNE MICHAELS, THE PRODUCER OF "SATURDAY NIGHT." RIGHT NOW, WE'RE BEING SEEN BY

PRODUCER OF "SATURDAY NIGHT." RIGHT NOW, WE'RE BEING SEEN BY APPROXIMATELY 22 MILLION

RIGHT NOW, WE'RE BEING SEEN BY APPROXIMATELY 22 MILLION VIEWERS.

APPROXIMATELY 22 MILLION VIEWERS. BUT PLEASE ALLOW ME, IF I MAY,

VIEWERS. BUT PLEASE ALLOW ME, IF I MAY, TO ADDRESS MYSELF TO FOUR VERY

BUT PLEASE ALLOW ME, IF I MAY, TO ADDRESS MYSELF TO FOUR VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE... JOHN, PAUL,

TO ADDRESS MYSELF TO FOUR VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE... JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO, THE BEATLES.

SPECIAL PEOPLE... JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO, THE BEATLES. LATELY THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF

GEORGE, AND RINGO, THE BEATLES. LATELY THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF RUMORS TO THE EFFECT THAT THE

LATELY THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF RUMORS TO THE EFFECT THAT THE FOUR OF YOU MIGHT BE GETTING

RUMORS TO THE EFFECT THAT THE FOUR OF YOU MIGHT BE GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

FOUR OF YOU MIGHT BE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

BACK TOGETHER. THAT WOULD BE GREAT. IN MY BOOK, THE BEATLES ARE THE

THAT WOULD BE GREAT. IN MY BOOK, THE BEATLES ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO

IN MY BOOK, THE BEATLES ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MUSIC.

BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MUSIC. IT GOES EVEN DEEPER THAN THAT...

MUSIC. IT GOES EVEN DEEPER THAN THAT... YOU'RE NOT JUST A MUSICAL GROUP,

IT GOES EVEN DEEPER THAN THAT... YOU'RE NOT JUST A MUSICAL GROUP, YOU'RE A PART OF US.

YOU'RE NOT JUST A MUSICAL GROUP, YOU'RE A PART OF US. WE GREW UP WITH YOU.

YOU'RE A PART OF US. WE GREW UP WITH YOU. IT'S FOR THIS REASON THAT I AM

WE GREW UP WITH YOU. IT'S FOR THIS REASON THAT I AM INVITING YOU TO COME ON OUR

IT'S FOR THIS REASON THAT I AM INVITING YOU TO COME ON OUR SHOW.

INVITING YOU TO COME ON OUR SHOW. NOW, WE'VE HEARD AND READ A LOT

SHOW. NOW, WE'VE HEARD AND READ A LOT ABOUT PERSONALITY AND LEGAL

NOW, WE'VE HEARD AND READ A LOT ABOUT PERSONALITY AND LEGAL CONFLICTS THAT MIGHT PREVENT YOU

ABOUT PERSONALITY AND LEGAL CONFLICTS THAT MIGHT PREVENT YOU GUYS FROM REUNITING.

CONFLICTS THAT MIGHT PREVENT YOU GUYS FROM REUNITING. THAT'S SOMETHING WHICH IS NONE

GUYS FROM REUNITING. THAT'S SOMETHING WHICH IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

THAT'S SOMETHING WHICH IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS. YOU GUYS WILL HAVE TO HANDLE

OF MY BUSINESS. YOU GUYS WILL HAVE TO HANDLE THAT.

YOU GUYS WILL HAVE TO HANDLE THAT. BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN SAID THAT NO

THAT. BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN SAID THAT NO ONE HAS YET TO COME UP WITH

BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN SAID THAT NO ONE HAS YET TO COME UP WITH ENOUGH MONEY TO SATISFY YOU.

ONE HAS YET TO COME UP WITH ENOUGH MONEY TO SATISFY YOU. WELL, IF IT'S MONEY YOU WANT,

ENOUGH MONEY TO SATISFY YOU. WELL, IF IT'S MONEY YOU WANT, THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE.

WELL, IF IT'S MONEY YOU WANT, THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE. THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING

THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE. THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY HAS AUTHORIZED ME TO

THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY HAS AUTHORIZED ME TO OFFER YOU A CERTIFIED CHECK

COMPANY HAS AUTHORIZED ME TO OFFER YOU A CERTIFIED CHECK FOR $3,000.

OFFER YOU A CERTIFIED CHECK FOR $3,000. HERE IT IS.

FOR $3,000. HERE IT IS. CAN WE, UH, GET A CLOSE-UP OF

HERE IT IS. CAN WE, UH, GET A CLOSE-UP OF THIS, DAVE?

CAN WE, UH, GET A CLOSE-UP OF THIS, DAVE? WHICH CAMERA IS IT ON?

THIS, DAVE? WHICH CAMERA IS IT ON? AH.

WHICH CAMERA IS IT ON? AH. MOVE IN THERE.

AH. MOVE IN THERE. NOW, HERE IT IS AS YOU CAN SEE,

MOVE IN THERE. NOW, HERE IT IS AS YOU CAN SEE, VERIFIABLY, IT IS A CHECK MADE

NOW, HERE IT IS AS YOU CAN SEE, VERIFIABLY, IT IS A CHECK MADE OUT TO YOU, THE BEATLES, FOR

VERIFIABLY, IT IS A CHECK MADE OUT TO YOU, THE BEATLES, FOR $3,000.

OUT TO YOU, THE BEATLES, FOR $3,000. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SING THREE

$3,000. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SING THREE BEATLE TUNES... "SHE LOVES YOU,

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SING THREE BEATLE TUNES... "SHE LOVES YOU, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."

BEATLE TUNES... "SHE LOVES YOU, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH." THAT'S $1,000 RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH." THAT'S $1,000 RIGHT THERE. YOU KNOW THE WORDS.

THAT'S $1,000 RIGHT THERE. YOU KNOW THE WORDS. IT'LL BE EASY.

YOU KNOW THE WORDS. IT'LL BE EASY. LIKE I SAID, THIS IS MADE OUT...

IT'LL BE EASY. LIKE I SAID, THIS IS MADE OUT... THIS CHECK HERE IS MADE OUT TO

LIKE I SAID, THIS IS MADE OUT... THIS CHECK HERE IS MADE OUT TO THE BEATLES.

THIS CHECK HERE IS MADE OUT TO THE BEATLES. YOU DIVIDE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT.

THE BEATLES. YOU DIVIDE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. IF YOU WANT TO GIVE RINGO LESS,

YOU DIVIDE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. IF YOU WANT TO GIVE RINGO LESS, THAT'S UP TO YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO GIVE RINGO LESS, THAT'S UP TO YOU. I'D RATHER NOT GET INVOLVED.

THAT'S UP TO YOU. I'D RATHER NOT GET INVOLVED. I'M SINCERE ABOUT THIS.

I'D RATHER NOT GET INVOLVED. I'M SINCERE ABOUT THIS. IF IT HELPS YOU TO REACH A

I'M SINCERE ABOUT THIS. IF IT HELPS YOU TO REACH A DECISION TO REUNITE, WELL, THEN,

IF IT HELPS YOU TO REACH A DECISION TO REUNITE, WELL, THEN, IT'S WORTH THE INVESTMENT.

DECISION TO REUNITE, WELL, THEN, IT'S WORTH THE INVESTMENT. YOU HAVE AGENTS.

IT'S WORTH THE INVESTMENT. YOU HAVE AGENTS. YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN BE REACHED.

YOU HAVE AGENTS. YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN BE REACHED. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN BE REACHED. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY? THANK YOU.

MEDICATION TIME, GENTLEMEN.

UM, MISS RATCHED, MR. McMURPHY IS HERE.

DAMN. ARE YOU THE BULL-GOOSE LOONY AROUND HERE?

ARE YOU THE BULL-GOOSE LOONY AROUND HERE? YOU'RE AS BIG AS A MOUNTAIN.

AROUND HERE? YOU'RE AS BIG AS A MOUNTAIN. GENTLEMEN, IT'S BEEN BROUGHT

YOU'RE AS BIG AS A MOUNTAIN. GENTLEMEN, IT'S BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOMEONE HAS

GENTLEMEN, IT'S BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN GIVING THEIR MEDICATION TO

TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN GIVING THEIR MEDICATION TO BROCCOLI.

BEEN GIVING THEIR MEDICATION TO BROCCOLI. BILLY, WHO IS IT?

BROCCOLI. BILLY, WHO IS IT? [STUTTERING]

BILLY, WHO IS IT? [STUTTERING] WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS,

[STUTTERING] WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS, BROCCOLI?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS, BROCCOLI? EVERYB...

BROCCOLI? EVERYB... E-EV...

EVERYB... E-EV... EV... EVERYB... B... B... BODY'S BEEN

E-EV... EV... EVERYB... B... B... BODY'S BEEN DOING IT.

EV... EVERYB... B... B... BODY'S BEEN DOING IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS,

DOING IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS, BROCCOLI?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS, BROCCOLI? OKAY.

BROCCOLI? OKAY. AT THE CLOSE OF LAST MEETING, WE

OKAY. AT THE CLOSE OF LAST MEETING, WE WERE DISCUSSING BILLY'S

AT THE CLOSE OF LAST MEETING, WE WERE DISCUSSING BILLY'S NOMINATION FOR BEST SUPPORTING

WERE DISCUSSING BILLY'S NOMINATION FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR.

NOMINATION FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN,

ACTOR. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN, BROCCOLI?

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN, BROCCOLI? UH, LOOK, UH, NURSE RATCHED,

BROCCOLI? UH, LOOK, UH, NURSE RATCHED, UH, NURSE RATCHED, I WANT TO

UH, LOOK, UH, NURSE RATCHED, UH, NURSE RATCHED, I WANT TO MAKE THIS AS EASY AS POSSIBLE

UH, NURSE RATCHED, I WANT TO MAKE THIS AS EASY AS POSSIBLE FOR YOU.

MAKE THIS AS EASY AS POSSIBLE FOR YOU. BUT IN A FEW MINUTES, THE OSCARS

FOR YOU. BUT IN A FEW MINUTES, THE OSCARS ARE GONNA BE ON, AND I SAY WE

BUT IN A FEW MINUTES, THE OSCARS ARE GONNA BE ON, AND I SAY WE ALL BE ALLOWED TO WATCH IT.

ARE GONNA BE ON, AND I SAY WE ALL BE ALLOWED TO WATCH IT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ALL BE ALLOWED TO WATCH IT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT MIGHT UPSET THE GENTLEMEN

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT MIGHT UPSET THE GENTLEMEN IF WE CHANGE THE SCHEDULE.

IT MIGHT UPSET THE GENTLEMEN IF WE CHANGE THE SCHEDULE. HOWEVER, WE CAN VOTE.

IF WE CHANGE THE SCHEDULE. HOWEVER, WE CAN VOTE. MAJORITY RULE.

HOWEVER, WE CAN VOTE. MAJORITY RULE. WHO WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE

MAJORITY RULE. WHO WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE OSCARS?

WHO WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE OSCARS? COME ON, YOU GUYS, VOTE.

OSCARS? COME ON, YOU GUYS, VOTE. DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE

COME ON, YOU GUYS, VOTE. DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE OSCARS?

DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE OSCARS? COME ON, GET THOSE HANDS UP, YOU

OSCARS? COME ON, GET THOSE HANDS UP, YOU LOONIES.

COME ON, GET THOSE HANDS UP, YOU LOONIES. COME ON.

LOONIES. COME ON. COME ON, GET THEM UP THERE.

COME ON. COME ON, GET THEM UP THERE. COME ON.

COME ON, GET THEM UP THERE. COME ON. DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE

COME ON. DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE OSCARS?

DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE OSCARS? GET THAT HAND UP THERE.

OSCARS? GET THAT HAND UP THERE. COME ON, YOU BUNCH OF MENTAL

GET THAT HAND UP THERE. COME ON, YOU BUNCH OF MENTAL REJECTS.

COME ON, YOU BUNCH OF MENTAL REJECTS. GET THOSE UP THERE.

REJECTS. GET THOSE UP THERE. ALL RIGHT.

GET THOSE UP THERE. ALL RIGHT. COME ON, GET THEM UP THERE.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON, GET THEM UP THERE. ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, GET THEM UP THERE. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, IT'S A LANDSLIDE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, IT'S A LANDSLIDE. LOOK.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S A LANDSLIDE. LOOK. THERE ARE 12 PATIENTS ON THIS

LOOK. THERE ARE 12 PATIENTS ON THIS WARD.

THERE ARE 12 PATIENTS ON THIS WARD. I ONLY COUNT SIX HANDS.

WARD. I ONLY COUNT SIX HANDS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I ONLY COUNT SIX HANDS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SIX"?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SIX"? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SIX"? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE COUNTING THESE VEGETABLES?

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE COUNTING THESE VEGETABLES? COME ON, YOU GUYS, DON'T YOU

COUNTING THESE VEGETABLES? COME ON, YOU GUYS, DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE OSCARS?

COME ON, YOU GUYS, DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE OSCARS? COME ON, GET THOSE HANDS UP.

WANT TO SEE THE OSCARS? COME ON, GET THOSE HANDS UP. LET'S GO.

COME ON, GET THOSE HANDS UP. LET'S GO. COME ON.

LET'S GO. COME ON. SEE THE OSCARS.

COME ON. SEE THE OSCARS. DON'T LET HER PUSH YOU AROUND,

SEE THE OSCARS. DON'T LET HER PUSH YOU AROUND, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

DON'T LET HER PUSH YOU AROUND, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? COME ON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? COME ON. COME ON, WHICH ONE OF YOU NUTS

COME ON. COME ON, WHICH ONE OF YOU NUTS HAS GOT ANY GUTS?

COME ON, WHICH ONE OF YOU NUTS HAS GOT ANY GUTS? OH, YOU BASKET CASE.

HAS GOT ANY GUTS? OH, YOU BASKET CASE. DAMN.

OH, YOU BASKET CASE. DAMN. MEETING ADJOURNED.

DAMN. MEETING ADJOURNED. MUSIC APPRECIATION TIME.

MEETING ADJOURNED. MUSIC APPRECIATION TIME. [SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]

[Indian accent] MMM, JUICY FRUIT. AH, CHIEF, YOU SLY SON OF A

FRUIT. AH, CHIEF, YOU SLY SON OF A GUN.

AH, CHIEF, YOU SLY SON OF A GUN. YOU FOOLED THEM.

GUN. YOU FOOLED THEM. YOU FOOLED THEM ALL.

YOU FOOLED THEM. YOU FOOLED THEM ALL. THEY ALL THOUGHT YOU WERE A RED

YOU FOOLED THEM ALL. THEY ALL THOUGHT YOU WERE A RED INDIAN.

THEY ALL THOUGHT YOU WERE A RED INDIAN. WELL, I KNOW THAT THEY

INDIAN. WELL, I KNOW THAT THEY THOUGHT THAT.

WELL, I KNOW THAT THEY THOUGHT THAT. I KNEW THAT.

THOUGHT THAT. I KNEW THAT. [CLUNKING]

I KNEW THAT. [CLUNKING] I DROPPED MY MOP.

[CLUNKING] I DROPPED MY MOP. YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHIEF?

I DROPPED MY MOP. YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHIEF? YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TAKE IT HERE

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHIEF? YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TAKE IT HERE NO MORE.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TAKE IT HERE NO MORE. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE BUST OUT OF

NO MORE. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE BUST OUT OF THIS LOONY BIN, GO DOWNTOWN, AND

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE BUST OUT OF THIS LOONY BIN, GO DOWNTOWN, AND WATCH THE OSCARS ON TV IN SOME

THIS LOONY BIN, GO DOWNTOWN, AND WATCH THE OSCARS ON TV IN SOME BAR?

WATCH THE OSCARS ON TV IN SOME BAR? WHAT DO YOU SAY?

BAR? WHAT DO YOU SAY? WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT. YOU SEE...

WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT. YOU SEE... I AM REALLY A VERY TINY PERSON.

YOU SEE... I AM REALLY A VERY TINY PERSON. I'M VERY, VERY SMALL.

I AM REALLY A VERY TINY PERSON. I'M VERY, VERY SMALL. I'M ONLY THIS BIG.

I'M VERY, VERY SMALL. I'M ONLY THIS BIG. IF YOU WERE TO PUT ME INTO YOUR

I'M ONLY THIS BIG. IF YOU WERE TO PUT ME INTO YOUR POCKET...

IF YOU WERE TO PUT ME INTO YOUR POCKET... AND YOU WERE TO HAVE SOME

POCKET... AND YOU WERE TO HAVE SOME KLEENEX IN YOUR POCKET AT

AND YOU WERE TO HAVE SOME KLEENEX IN YOUR POCKET AT THE SAME TIME, YOU WOULD FIND

KLEENEX IN YOUR POCKET AT THE SAME TIME, YOU WOULD FIND THAT YOU WOULD NOT FIND ME.

THE SAME TIME, YOU WOULD FIND THAT YOU WOULD NOT FIND ME. I AM THAT SMALL.

THAT YOU WOULD NOT FIND ME. I AM THAT SMALL. THAT IS HOW SMALL I AM.

I AM THAT SMALL. THAT IS HOW SMALL I AM. THEN WE'LL MAKE OUR OWN

THAT IS HOW SMALL I AM. THEN WE'LL MAKE OUR OWN OSCARS.

THEN WE'LL MAKE OUR OWN OSCARS. WHAT DO YOU SAY, CHIEF?

OSCARS. WHAT DO YOU SAY, CHIEF? COME ON, LET'S MAKE OUR OWN

WHAT DO YOU SAY, CHIEF? COME ON, LET'S MAKE OUR OWN OSCARS.

COME ON, LET'S MAKE OUR OWN OSCARS. AND NOW, FOR BEST ACTRESS, THE

OSCARS. AND NOW, FOR BEST ACTRESS, THE NOMINEES ARE...

AND NOW, FOR BEST ACTRESS, THE NOMINEES ARE... ISABELLE ADJANI FOR

NOMINEES ARE... ISABELLE ADJANI FOR "THE STORY OF ADELE H."

ISABELLE ADJANI FOR "THE STORY OF ADELE H." ANN-MARGRET FOR "TOMMY."

"THE STORY OF ADELE H." ANN-MARGRET FOR "TOMMY." LOUISE FLETCHER FOR "ONE FLEW

ANN-MARGRET FOR "TOMMY." LOUISE FLETCHER FOR "ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST."

LOUISE FLETCHER FOR "ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST." GLENDA JACKSON FOR "HEDDA."

OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST." GLENDA JACKSON FOR "HEDDA." CAROL KANE FOR

GLENDA JACKSON FOR "HEDDA." CAROL KANE FOR "HESTER STREET."

CAROL KANE FOR "HESTER STREET." MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE PLEASE?

AND THE WINNER IS... LOUISE FLETCHER FOR "ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST."

OH. WELL, BILLY, WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER GOING TO THINK NOW THAT YOU

WELL, BILLY, WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER GOING TO THINK NOW THAT YOU LOST?

GOING TO THINK NOW THAT YOU LOST? P-P-P-PLEASE D-D-D-DON'T

LOST? P-P-P-PLEASE D-D-D-DON'T T-T-T...

P-P-P-PLEASE D-D-D-DON'T T-T-T... [MOANING]

T-T-T... [MOANING] LISTEN, THE OSCAR IS MINE!

[MOANING] LISTEN, THE OSCAR IS MINE! IT'S MINE, YOU LOW-ENERGY COW.

LISTEN, THE OSCAR IS MINE! IT'S MINE, YOU LOW-ENERGY COW. IT'S MINE.

IT'S MINE, YOU LOW-ENERGY COW. IT'S MINE. I DESERVE IT FOR "CHINATOWN,"

IT'S MINE. I DESERVE IT FOR "CHINATOWN," FOR "LAST DETAIL,"

I DESERVE IT FOR "CHINATOWN," FOR "LAST DETAIL," "FIVE EASY PIECES."

FOR "LAST DETAIL," "FIVE EASY PIECES." THAT'S MY OSCAR!

"FIVE EASY PIECES." THAT'S MY OSCAR! ANY VIOLENT BEHAVIOR, AND

THAT'S MY OSCAR! ANY VIOLENT BEHAVIOR, AND YOU'LL BE FORCED TO FRY YOUR

ANY VIOLENT BEHAVIOR, AND YOU'LL BE FORCED TO FRY YOUR ANTENNA.

YOU'LL BE FORCED TO FRY YOUR ANTENNA. I SHOULD HAVE GOT BEST

ANTENNA. I SHOULD HAVE GOT BEST SUPPORTING FOR "EASY RIDER."

I SHOULD HAVE GOT BEST SUPPORTING FOR "EASY RIDER." I DIRECTED "DRIVE, HE SAID"

SUPPORTING FOR "EASY RIDER." I DIRECTED "DRIVE, HE SAID" WITH BRUCE DERN.

I DIRECTED "DRIVE, HE SAID" WITH BRUCE DERN. WE BOTH TALK A LOT.

WITH BRUCE DERN. WE BOTH TALK A LOT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE BOTH TALK A LOT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? FRY HIM!

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? FRY HIM! FRY ME?

FRY HIM! FRY ME? I DID... I DID A...

FRY ME? I DID... I DID A... HE'S A VEGETABLE.

I DID... I DID A... HE'S A VEGETABLE. HE'S NOTHING BUT A VEGETABLE.

HE'S A VEGETABLE. HE'S NOTHING BUT A VEGETABLE. BUTTER.

HE'S NOTHING BUT A VEGETABLE. BUTTER. BUTTER.

BUTTER. BUTTER. BUTTER.

Announcer: AND NOW "GILDA'S EQUAL TIME." I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH

"GILDA'S EQUAL TIME." I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH RAQUEL WELCH ALL WEEK, AND WHAT

I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH RAQUEL WELCH ALL WEEK, AND WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED ARE THE MANY

RAQUEL WELCH ALL WEEK, AND WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED ARE THE MANY DIFFICULTIES AND BURDENS

I'VE DISCOVERED ARE THE MANY DIFFICULTIES AND BURDENS INVOLVED IN BEING A SEX SYMBOL

DIFFICULTIES AND BURDENS INVOLVED IN BEING A SEX SYMBOL FOR AN ENTIRE NATION.

INVOLVED IN BEING A SEX SYMBOL FOR AN ENTIRE NATION. I FEEL THAT RAQUEL IS OFTEN

FOR AN ENTIRE NATION. I FEEL THAT RAQUEL IS OFTEN SUBJECT TO ABUSE AND RIDICULE

I FEEL THAT RAQUEL IS OFTEN SUBJECT TO ABUSE AND RIDICULE AND, EVEN ON THIS SHOW, WE'VE

SUBJECT TO ABUSE AND RIDICULE AND, EVEN ON THIS SHOW, WE'VE MADE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT HER

AND, EVEN ON THIS SHOW, WE'VE MADE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT HER BODY.

MADE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT HER BODY. AND I FEEL THAT IT'S MY

BODY. AND I FEEL THAT IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MYSELF AND TO

AND I FEEL THAT IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MYSELF AND TO ALL WOMEN TO SPEAK OUT FOR

RESPONSIBILITY TO MYSELF AND TO ALL WOMEN TO SPEAK OUT FOR RAQUEL AS A PERSON.

ALL WOMEN TO SPEAK OUT FOR RAQUEL AS A PERSON. NOW, I HAVE SEEN HER COMPLETELY

RAQUEL AS A PERSON. NOW, I HAVE SEEN HER COMPLETELY NAKED.

NOW, I HAVE SEEN HER COMPLETELY NAKED. IT WASN'T BY ACCIDENT.

NAKED. IT WASN'T BY ACCIDENT. THE OTHER DAY AT REHEARSAL, AS A

IT WASN'T BY ACCIDENT. THE OTHER DAY AT REHEARSAL, AS A MATURE ADULT, I SNUCK INTO THE

THE OTHER DAY AT REHEARSAL, AS A MATURE ADULT, I SNUCK INTO THE BATHROOM AND WENT QUIETLY INTO

MATURE ADULT, I SNUCK INTO THE BATHROOM AND WENT QUIETLY INTO THE STALL NEXT TO HERS.

BATHROOM AND WENT QUIETLY INTO THE STALL NEXT TO HERS. I CLIMBED UP ON THE TOILET SEAT,

THE STALL NEXT TO HERS. I CLIMBED UP ON THE TOILET SEAT, AND I PEEKED OVER THE TOP.

I CLIMBED UP ON THE TOILET SEAT, AND I PEEKED OVER THE TOP. I FEEL I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT

AND I PEEKED OVER THE TOP. I FEEL I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT RAQUEL WELCH AND I HAVE EXACTLY

I FEEL I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT RAQUEL WELCH AND I HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME BODY.

RAQUEL WELCH AND I HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME BODY. WE'RE BOTH ALIKE.

THE SAME BODY. WE'RE BOTH ALIKE. WE'RE BOTH WOMEN.

WE'RE BOTH ALIKE. WE'RE BOTH WOMEN. WE HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME

WE'RE BOTH WOMEN. WE HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME PARTS...

WE HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME PARTS... ONLY MINE NEED A LITTLE

PARTS... ONLY MINE NEED A LITTLE REGROUPING.

ONLY MINE NEED A LITTLE REGROUPING. AND NOW BACK TO RAQUEL WITH THIS

REGROUPING. AND NOW BACK TO RAQUEL WITH THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

PHOEBE, YOU'RE GONNA BE DOING A BENEFIT PRETTY SOON FOR THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY.

A BENEFIT PRETTY SOON FOR THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY. A LOT OF REALLY TERRIFIC PEOPLE

NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY. A LOT OF REALLY TERRIFIC PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE THERE.

A LOT OF REALLY TERRIFIC PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE THERE. DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WHO?

ARE GONNA BE THERE. DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WHO? SURE.

DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WHO? SURE. IT'S GONNA BE PAUL SIMON,

SURE. IT'S GONNA BE PAUL SIMON, JIMMY CLIFF,

IT'S GONNA BE PAUL SIMON, JIMMY CLIFF, THE BRECKER BROTHERS, AND MYSELF

JIMMY CLIFF, THE BRECKER BROTHERS, AND MYSELF AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON

THE BRECKER BROTHERS, AND MYSELF AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON MAY 3rd.

AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON MAY 3rd. THAT SOUNDS REALLY GREAT.

MAY 3rd. THAT SOUNDS REALLY GREAT. I KNOW I'D LIKE TO BE THERE.

THAT SOUNDS REALLY GREAT. I KNOW I'D LIKE TO BE THERE. I'M SURE EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD,

I KNOW I'D LIKE TO BE THERE. I'M SURE EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD, TOO.

I'M SURE EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD, TOO. SING ANOTHER SONG FOR US, OKAY?

TOO. SING ANOTHER SONG FOR US, OKAY? I'LL TRY.

SING ANOTHER SONG FOR US, OKAY? I'LL TRY. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TRY. ALL RIGHT. [INTRO TO "TWO-FISTED LOVE"

ALL RIGHT. [INTRO TO "TWO-FISTED LOVE" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "TWO-FISTED LOVE" PLAYS] ♪ MY BABY'S OUT THERE

[PLAYS] ♪ MY BABY'S OUT THERE IN HIS SPACECRAFT ♪

♪ MY BABY'S OUT THERE IN HIS SPACECRAFT ♪ ♪ SEARCHING FOR SOME ENERGY ♪

IN HIS SPACECRAFT ♪ ♪ SEARCHING FOR SOME ENERGY ♪ ♪ GEEEEE ♪

♪ SEARCHING FOR SOME ENERGY ♪ ♪ GEEEEE ♪ ♪ OH, IT'S CRISIS TIME ♪

♪ GEEEEE ♪ ♪ OH, IT'S CRISIS TIME ♪ ♪ STUCK IN THE SUBURBS ♪

♪ OH, IT'S CRISIS TIME ♪ ♪ STUCK IN THE SUBURBS ♪ ♪ DYING ON THE VINE ♪

♪ STUCK IN THE SUBURBS ♪ ♪ DYING ON THE VINE ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME

♪ DYING ON THE VINE ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪

♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME

GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, HELP US, MARY JANE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, HELP US, MARY JANE ♪ ♪ WE ARE WANDERING OUT ON

♪ OH, HELP US, MARY JANE ♪ ♪ WE ARE WANDERING OUT ON THIS DESERT PLAIN ♪

♪ WE ARE WANDERING OUT ON THIS DESERT PLAIN ♪ ♪ OH, WE HAVE NO CANTEEN ♪

THIS DESERT PLAIN ♪ ♪ OH, WE HAVE NO CANTEEN ♪ ♪ CAN THE THIRSTY STAY SANE

♪ OH, WE HAVE NO CANTEEN ♪ ♪ CAN THE THIRSTY STAY SANE AFTER WHAT THEY'VE SEEN? ♪

♪ CAN THE THIRSTY STAY SANE AFTER WHAT THEY'VE SEEN? ♪ ♪ MY BABY'S OUT THERE

AFTER WHAT THEY'VE SEEN? ♪ ♪ MY BABY'S OUT THERE IN HIS SPACECRAFT ♪

♪ MY BABY'S OUT THERE IN HIS SPACECRAFT ♪ ♪ SEARCHING FOR SOME ENERGY ♪

IN HIS SPACECRAFT ♪ ♪ SEARCHING FOR SOME ENERGY ♪ ♪ GEEEEE ♪

♪ SEARCHING FOR SOME ENERGY ♪ ♪ GEEEEE ♪ ♪ OH, THAT DEVIL MOON ♪

♪ GEEEEE ♪ ♪ OH, THAT DEVIL MOON ♪ ♪ HOW CAN YOU CREATE WHEN YOU

♪ OH, THAT DEVIL MOON ♪ ♪ HOW CAN YOU CREATE WHEN YOU CAN'T STAY IN TUNE? ♪

♪ HOW CAN YOU CREATE WHEN YOU CAN'T STAY IN TUNE? ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE

CAN'T STAY IN TUNE? ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪

♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME

ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO]

♪ OHHHHH ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ AHHHHH ♪

♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ AHHHHH ♪ ♪ BABY'S IN MY ARMS

♪ AHHHHH ♪ ♪ BABY'S IN MY ARMS USING CHEMISTRY ♪

♪ BABY'S IN MY ARMS USING CHEMISTRY ♪ ♪ TO GET THE BEST OF ME ♪

USING CHEMISTRY ♪ ♪ TO GET THE BEST OF ME ♪ ♪ MEEEEE ♪

♪ TO GET THE BEST OF ME ♪ ♪ MEEEEE ♪ ♪ OH, THE PAST IS GONE ♪

♪ MEEEEE ♪ ♪ OH, THE PAST IS GONE ♪ ♪ STAY BY MY SIDE AND WE CAN

♪ OH, THE PAST IS GONE ♪ ♪ STAY BY MY SIDE AND WE CAN CARRY ON ♪

♪ STAY BY MY SIDE AND WE CAN CARRY ON ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE

CARRY ON ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪

♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪ ♪ I MEAN, HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE

ME GIFTS FROM ABOVE ♪ ♪ I MEAN, HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ I MEAN, HE KNOWS HOW TO GIVE ME TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

ME TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ OHHH-HEE ♪

♪ TWO-FISTED LOVE ♪ ♪ OHHH-HEE ♪ ♪ HELP US, MARY JANE ♪

♪ OHHH-HEE ♪ ♪ HELP US, MARY JANE ♪ ♪ WE ARE WANDERING OUT ON

♪ HELP US, MARY JANE ♪ ♪ WE ARE WANDERING OUT ON THIS DESERT PLAIN ♪

♪ WE ARE WANDERING OUT ON THIS DESERT PLAIN ♪ ♪ OHHHHH ♪

THIS DESERT PLAIN ♪ ♪ OHHHHH ♪ ♪ WE HAVE NO CANTEEN ♪

♪ OHHHHH ♪ ♪ WE HAVE NO CANTEEN ♪ ♪ CAN THE THIRSTY STAY SANE

♪ WE HAVE NO CANTEEN ♪ ♪ CAN THE THIRSTY STAY SANE AFTER WHAT THEY'VE SEEN? ♪

♪ CAN THE THIRSTY STAY SANE AFTER WHAT THEY'VE SEEN? ♪ ♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪

AFTER WHAT THEY'VE SEEN? ♪ ♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪ ♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪

♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪ ♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪ ♪ OHHHHH ♪

♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪ ♪ OHHHHH ♪ YEAH.

♪ OHHHHH ♪ YEAH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[INTRO TO "IT AIN'T NECESSARILY SO" PLAYS] ♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪

[NECESSARILY SO" PLAYS] ♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪ ♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪

♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪ ♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪ ♪ THE THINGS THAT YOU'RE LIABLE

♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪ ♪ THE THINGS THAT YOU'RE LIABLE TO READ IN THE BIBLE

♪ THE THINGS THAT YOU'RE LIABLE TO READ IN THE BIBLE AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪

TO READ IN THE BIBLE AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪ ♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL

AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪ ♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL BUT, OH, MY ♪

♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL BUT, OH, MY ♪ ♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL

BUT, OH, MY ♪ ♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL BUT, OH, MY ♪

♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL BUT, OH, MY ♪ ♪ HE FOUGHT BIG GOLIATH

BUT, OH, MY ♪ ♪ HE FOUGHT BIG GOLIATH WHO LAY DOWN AND DIETH ♪

♪ HE FOUGHT BIG GOLIATH WHO LAY DOWN AND DIETH ♪ ♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL

WHO LAY DOWN AND DIETH ♪ ♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL BUT, OH, MY ♪

♪ LITTLE DAVID WAS SMALL BUT, OH, MY ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

BUT, OH, MY ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ MOSES WAS FOUND IN A STREAM ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ MOSES WAS FOUND IN A STREAM ♪ ♪ DID YOU KNOW THAT MOSES WAS

♪ MOSES WAS FOUND IN A STREAM ♪ ♪ DID YOU KNOW THAT MOSES WAS FOUND IN A STREAM ♪

♪ DID YOU KNOW THAT MOSES WAS FOUND IN A STREAM ♪ ♪ HE FLOATED ON WATER TILL

FOUND IN A STREAM ♪ ♪ HE FLOATED ON WATER TILL PHARAOH'S YOUNG DAUGHTER ♪

♪ HE FLOATED ON WATER TILL PHARAOH'S YOUNG DAUGHTER ♪ ♪ SHE FISHED HIM, SHE SAYS, FROM

PHARAOH'S YOUNG DAUGHTER ♪ ♪ SHE FISHED HIM, SHE SAYS, FROM THAT STREAM ♪

♪ SHE FISHED HIM, SHE SAYS, FROM THAT STREAM ♪ ♪ METHUSELAH LIVED 900 YEARS ♪

THAT STREAM ♪ ♪ METHUSELAH LIVED 900 YEARS ♪ YEAH.

♪ METHUSELAH LIVED 900 YEARS ♪ YEAH. ♪ METHUSELAH LIVED 900 YEARS ♪

YEAH. ♪ METHUSELAH LIVED 900 YEARS ♪ ♪ BUT WHO CALLS THAT LIVIN'

♪ METHUSELAH LIVED 900 YEARS ♪ ♪ BUT WHO CALLS THAT LIVIN' WHEN NO GAL'S GONNA GIVE IN

♪ BUT WHO CALLS THAT LIVIN' WHEN NO GAL'S GONNA GIVE IN TO NO MAN WHAT'S 900 YEARS ♪

WHEN NO GAL'S GONNA GIVE IN TO NO MAN WHAT'S 900 YEARS ♪ ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

TO NO MAN WHAT'S 900 YEARS ♪ ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪ ♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪ ♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY ♪ ♪ AIN'T NECESSARILY ♪

♪ IT AIN'T NECESSARILY ♪ ♪ AIN'T NECESSARILY ♪ ♪ AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪

♪ AIN'T NECESSARILY ♪ ♪ AIN'T NECESSARILY SO ♪ [APPLAUSE]

OH, YEAH. OH. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, ARE YOU IN

OH. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, ARE YOU IN HERE ANYWHERE?

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, ARE YOU IN HERE ANYWHERE? [COUGHS]

HERE ANYWHERE? [COUGHS] I'M OVER HERE.

[COUGHS] I'M OVER HERE. HE'S OVER HERE, CHIEF.

I'M OVER HERE. HE'S OVER HERE, CHIEF. OH, I HEARD HIS VOICE.

HE'S OVER HERE, CHIEF. OH, I HEARD HIS VOICE. YEAH, YEAH.

OH, I HEARD HIS VOICE. YEAH, YEAH. OH, WOW.

YEAH, YEAH. OH, WOW. OH.

OH, WOW. OH. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG.

OH. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TO ME.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TO ME. LISTEN, THINGS ARE IN A

TALK TO ME. LISTEN, THINGS ARE IN A TERRIBLE STATE.

LISTEN, THINGS ARE IN A TERRIBLE STATE. YOU'RE TELLING ME?

TERRIBLE STATE. YOU'RE TELLING ME? LISTEN, OUR LAND OF GORCH IS

YOU'RE TELLING ME? LISTEN, OUR LAND OF GORCH IS GONE FOREVER.

LISTEN, OUR LAND OF GORCH IS GONE FOREVER. YEAH, THEY BURNED OUR

GONE FOREVER. YEAH, THEY BURNED OUR SCENERY.

YEAH, THEY BURNED OUR SCENERY. THEY BURNED OUR SCENERY.

SCENERY. THEY BURNED OUR SCENERY. WE'RE NO LONGER BOOKED ON THE

THEY BURNED OUR SCENERY. WE'RE NO LONGER BOOKED ON THE SHOW.

WE'RE NO LONGER BOOKED ON THE SHOW. AND THEY SAID WE'RE PUPPETS AND

SHOW. AND THEY SAID WE'RE PUPPETS AND THAT WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LOWER

AND THEY SAID WE'RE PUPPETS AND THAT WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LOWER HALF.

THAT WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LOWER HALF. WHAT DO WE DO?

HALF. WHAT DO WE DO? DON'T LOOK DOWN.

WHAT DO WE DO? DON'T LOOK DOWN. UH...

DON'T LOOK DOWN. UH... UH, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

UH... UH, THIS IS TERRIBLE. OUR WORLD IS COMING TO AN END.

UH, THIS IS TERRIBLE. OUR WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. YOU WANT YOUR GOD'S ADVICE?

OUR WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. YOU WANT YOUR GOD'S ADVICE? OH, PLEASE.

YOU WANT YOUR GOD'S ADVICE? OH, PLEASE. YES, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE.

OH, PLEASE. YES, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE. PLEASE.

YES, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE. PLEASE. DON'T BEG.

PLEASE. DON'T BEG. MY ADVICE IS "FORGET IT."

DON'T BEG. MY ADVICE IS "FORGET IT." HUH?

MY ADVICE IS "FORGET IT." HUH? FORGET IT.

HUH? FORGET IT. NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "FORGET

FORGET IT. NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "FORGET IT"?

NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "FORGET IT"? I MEAN, FORGET IT.

IT"? I MEAN, FORGET IT. PACK IT IN.

I MEAN, FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT.

PACK IT IN. QUIT. OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

QUIT. OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. WE CAN'T DO THAT.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. WE CAN'T DO THAT. SURE YOU CAN.

WE CAN'T DO THAT. SURE YOU CAN. LISTEN, YOU'RE ONLY PUPPETS.

SURE YOU CAN. LISTEN, YOU'RE ONLY PUPPETS. OOH.

LISTEN, YOU'RE ONLY PUPPETS. OOH. YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL.

OOH. YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL. OOH.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL. OOH. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE

OOH. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK.

YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK. OOH!

TRUNK. OOH! SCRED, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

OOH! SCRED, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG...

SCRED, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG... WHERE'S THE TRUNK?

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG... WHERE'S THE TRUNK? IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

WHERE'S THE TRUNK? IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE. OH, NO, NOT THE TRUNK.

IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE. OH, NO, NOT THE TRUNK. ANYTHING BUT THE TRUNK.

OH, NO, NOT THE TRUNK. ANYTHING BUT THE TRUNK. IT DON'T HURT TO GET IN THE

ANYTHING BUT THE TRUNK. IT DON'T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK.

IT DON'T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS.

TRUNK. PUPPETS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS. OOH.

PUPPETS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS. OOH. DO YOU BELIEVE THIS IS REALLY

OOH. DO YOU BELIEVE THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING?

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING? I CAN'T.

HAPPENING? I CAN'T. SCRED, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I CAN'T. SCRED, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. OKAY, GET TRUNK.

SCRED, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. OKAY, GET TRUNK. JUST OPEN IT UP AND GET RIGHT

OKAY, GET TRUNK. JUST OPEN IT UP AND GET RIGHT IN.

JUST OPEN IT UP AND GET RIGHT IN. IT'S LATCHED.

IN. IT'S LATCHED. JUST A SECOND.

IT'S LATCHED. JUST A SECOND. I GOT IT.

JUST A SECOND. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. YOU CAN'T OPEN IT 'CAUSE

I GOT IT. YOU CAN'T OPEN IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE PUPPETS.

YOU CAN'T OPEN IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE PUPPETS. I'LL GET IT IN A MINUTE.

YOU'RE PUPPETS. I'LL GET IT IN A MINUTE. JUST RIP IT OPEN.

I'LL GET IT IN A MINUTE. JUST RIP IT OPEN. YOU'RE STRONG.

JUST RIP IT OPEN. YOU'RE STRONG. HERE WE GO.

YOU'RE STRONG. HERE WE GO. OH, LOOK!

HERE WE GO. OH, LOOK! EVERYBODY ELSE IS ALREADY IN

OH, LOOK! EVERYBODY ELSE IS ALREADY IN HERE.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS ALREADY IN HERE. HIYA, WISSS, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

HERE. HIYA, WISSS, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE NOVEMBER.

HIYA, WISSS, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE NOVEMBER. OH, LOOK AT THAT.

SINCE NOVEMBER. OH, LOOK AT THAT. PLOOBIS, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OH, LOOK AT THAT. PLOOBIS, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? IT'S BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS,

PLOOBIS, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? IT'S BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS, PEUTA.

IT'S BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS, PEUTA. EVERYBODY, MOVE OVER.

PEUTA. EVERYBODY, MOVE OVER. WE'RE COMING IN.

EVERYBODY, MOVE OVER. WE'RE COMING IN. PLOOBIS, YOU CAN'T FIT IN

WE'RE COMING IN. PLOOBIS, YOU CAN'T FIT IN HERE.

PLOOBIS, YOU CAN'T FIT IN HERE. THERE'S NO ROOM TO BREATHE.

HERE. THERE'S NO ROOM TO BREATHE. PEUTA, YOU'RE A PUPPET.

THERE'S NO ROOM TO BREATHE. PEUTA, YOU'RE A PUPPET. YOU DON'T BREATHE.

PEUTA, YOU'RE A PUPPET. YOU DON'T BREATHE. YOU'RE NOT ALIVE.

YOU DON'T BREATHE. YOU'RE NOT ALIVE. WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT ALIVE. WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT

WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. JUST GET DOWN THERE.

IT. JUST GET DOWN THERE. DON'T CLOSE IT!

JUST GET DOWN THERE. DON'T CLOSE IT! WAIT A MINUTE!

DON'T CLOSE IT! WAIT A MINUTE! I'M NOT IN YET!

WAIT A MINUTE! I'M NOT IN YET! GET IN HERE, SCRED.

I'M NOT IN YET! GET IN HERE, SCRED. WAIT A MINUTE!

GET IN HERE, SCRED. WAIT A MINUTE! OH, THERE'S VAZH.

WAIT A MINUTE! OH, THERE'S VAZH. HI, THERE, VAZH.

OH, THERE'S VAZH. HI, THERE, VAZH. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, THERE, VAZH. HOW ARE YOU? NOW, IF I COULD JUST TALK THE

HOW ARE YOU? NOW, IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST

NOW, IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW.

PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW. [GROWLS]

RAQUEL, THIS IS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" THAT WE'VE

FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" THAT WE'VE ALREADY GOTTEN TELEGRAMS ON THE

"SATURDAY NIGHT" THAT WE'VE ALREADY GOTTEN TELEGRAMS ON THE SHOW.

ALREADY GOTTEN TELEGRAMS ON THE SHOW. OH, YEAH?

SHOW. OH, YEAH? AND, UH, THIS IS A TELEGRAM

OH, YEAH? AND, UH, THIS IS A TELEGRAM WE GOT.

AND, UH, THIS IS A TELEGRAM WE GOT. IT LOOKS LIKE A MAILGRAM, BUT IT

WE GOT. IT LOOKS LIKE A MAILGRAM, BUT IT ISN'T.

IT LOOKS LIKE A MAILGRAM, BUT IT ISN'T. IT'S A TELEGRAM.

ISN'T. IT'S A TELEGRAM. IT HAS THE IMPACT OF A

IT'S A TELEGRAM. IT HAS THE IMPACT OF A MAILGRAM.

IT HAS THE IMPACT OF A MAILGRAM. IT'S FROM A MAN, A 45-YEAR-OLD

MAILGRAM. IT'S FROM A MAN, A 45-YEAR-OLD VET WHO WRITES THAT HE'S IN A

IT'S FROM A MAN, A 45-YEAR-OLD VET WHO WRITES THAT HE'S IN A HOSPITAL.

VET WHO WRITES THAT HE'S IN A HOSPITAL. HE HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS, BUT

HOSPITAL. HE HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS, BUT HE LOVED THE SHOW.

HE HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS, BUT HE LOVED THE SHOW. HE LOVED YOU, HE LOVED YOUR

HE LOVED THE SHOW. HE LOVED YOU, HE LOVED YOUR NUMBERS, HE LOVED YOUR DANCE,

HE LOVED YOU, HE LOVED YOUR NUMBERS, HE LOVED YOUR DANCE, AND HE'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE YOUR

NUMBERS, HE LOVED YOUR DANCE, AND HE'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF, IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE.

AND HE'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF, IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE. HE WILL BE DYING WITHIN THE

SHIRT OFF, IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE. HE WILL BE DYING WITHIN THE WEEK.

HE WILL BE DYING WITHIN THE WEEK. THIS IS HIS LAST WISH.

WEEK. THIS IS HIS LAST WISH. HMM.

THIS IS HIS LAST WISH. HMM. WELL, WHY NOT?

ACTION-PACKED, HUH? GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE MUPPETS ARE

FRANK OZ, JERRY NELSON,

ALICE TWEENY, RICHARD HUNT, AND

JIM HENSON.

NEXT WEEK, NBC WEEKEND WITH

LAURA DOBBIN.

WE'LL BE BACK IN TWO WEEKS ON

MAY 8th WITH HOST MADELINE KAHN

AND A RARE APPEARANCE BY

CARLY SIMON.

THIS IS

DON "DAYLIGHT SAVINGS" PARDO,

AND TONIGHT I'M SETTING MYSELF

AHEAD ONE HOUR.

WON'T YOU JOIN ME?