Original subtitles

* MTV ♪

- That is humorous, yes. - Very humorous, yes.

- Quite jocular, yes. - Droll, very droll, yes.

Whimsical, yes. Yes, quite absurd, yes.

Quite whimsical, yes.

Priceless wit of a satirical bit, yes.

- Smart Butt-Head? - Yes, Smart Beavis.

Why have we been called today before the Supreme Leaders?

Surely to reward us for our good work

and many achievements in space.

Perhaps they will give us a trophy.

Yes, the Supreme Leaders love us

because we are smart.

So begins the trial

of Smart Beavis and Smart Butt-Head

for crimes against Earth 327-Z.

This is the opposite of what we expected.

- Our logic was in error. - Indeed so.

This tribunal finds you guilty.

- Guilty. - Guilty!

- Guilty. - Guilty, mm-kay?

Thoroughly at odds

with the deontological theory of law,

as put forth by Smart Emmanuel Kant.

Well put, Smart Todd.

You were supposed to have spent

the last two years

exploring the various universes and what have you,

but all you've done is run up an expense account

on space nachos

and intergalactic pornography.

In our defense, Supreme Leader,

we were observing the universe

where Beavis and Butt-Head are in middle age.

Yes, at the height of their powers.

No one cares about that at all.

I mean, come on, just listen to yourselves.

And now, the matter of your punishment.

Your sentence is death, mm-kay?

Am I to understand

that we are definitely not getting a trophy, then?

Your sentence will be suspended,

and you will be permitted to live,

on the following condition.

You must quit screwing around and successfully complete

one scientific mission.

Your mission is as follows:

you will go to Earth-1,

the planet they call normal Earth,

and abduct a human for scientific experiments.

Failure will result in disintegration, mm-kay?

May science be with you.

Very well. We must abduct a human.

Set course for normal Earth.

Whoopsie-daisy.

Should we leave a space note on their windshield?

- No. - That was humorous.

- Quite humorous. - Very droll indeed, yes.

Who is this, Smart Butt-Head?

This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn.

He is a singer of country songs.

He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer.

He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards

for masterworks such as "Cost of Livin'"

and "Mama Don't Get Dressed Up For Nothing."

Ah, yes.

So country music has an academy?

Yes, they do. Perhaps we could teach there

if they don't already have instructors

in non-gravitational propulsion

or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions.

We would instantly be the smartest professors

at the country music academy,

for humans are stupid.

Yes, very stupid.

Look at this one, trying to wrestle a cow.

Humorous, quite humorous.

Which one is the human, and which one is the cow?

Ah, yes, humorous. Quite jocular, yes.

That one appears smarter. He must be the cow.

Please stop, Smart Butt-Head. I need to catch my breath.

Yes.

* He's walking to the left ♪

I don't know why,

but this music is making me love America.

This video also makes me want

to worship the man they call Jesus.

Yes, yes indeed, yes.

They have finally made music

for ordinary space people like us.

Those of us from the heartland of space

who work hard and deserve to unwind.

Yes, yes.

* Where the whiskey flows ♪

I wish there was more footage

of the females in this video.

Yes, yes, it is a veritable intergalactic festival

of sausage, Smart Beavis.

Ah, yes, yes, so called

because an intergalactic sausage

looks like a space penis, yes, it does, yes.

Quite humorous.

Notice the females are becoming intoxicated.

It is part of their ritual of scoring.

On this planet, the slut is shamed.

Ah, yes, yes, quite primitive,

quite primitive.

Yes.

Your mother is a slut.

I had non-procreational sexual intercourse

with your mother.

Thank you, Smart Butt-Head.

I am honored, for on our planet,

we have realized long ago

that the slut is not to be shamed,

but to be honored.

Yes, and your mother is quite honorable.

Again, thank you, Smart Butt-Head.

It is said that there are more men

that have been inside your mother

than there are Planck lengths

in the entire diameter of the universe.

Let us talk more about this video,

Smart Butt-Head, and not of my mother.

Is this the cowboy's wife?

I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis.

I did not ask you to evaluate

the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-Head.

I'm just asking, are they married?

- Humor detected. - Yes, humorous.

Quite humorous.

Yes, yes, humorous in the way

of the belt of the borscht.

Yes, yes, and the mountainous region

of the Catskills. - Yes.

Let us now begin abducting, Smart Beavis.

Yes, yes, let it be so.

We must find a human to abduct, Smart Butt-Head.

Smart Beavis, observe.

And now, the winner

of the 35th annual chili cook-off,

Tom Anderson.

Thank you.

I owe it all to my brisket.

Observe, Smart Butt-Head.

We have arrived on the coronation day

of their king.

How fortuitous.

Let us seize him and take him to our ship.

Humorous, but also menacing, yes.

Yes, yes, mirthful and sinister as well, yes, yes.

It's a hell of a chili, Tom.

Well, thank you, Bob.

I'm just gonna go get a couple two more beers

out of my car to wash it down with.

Greetings, Your Majesty.

We salute you, oh royal one.

Well, thank you kindly.

Are you boys in one of them fraternal organizations?

My daddy was a proud member of the Elks Club.

Are you all Elks?

- You must come with us. - Now, please.

Hell, all right.

You know, I always wondered what you gotta do

to get invited to join the Elks in this town.

I guess you just gotta win a chili cook-off.

After you, Your Majesty.

Boy, this van of yours must be a custom job.

You do this yourself, or have it done?

We purchased it used from Smart Beavis' uncle.

Yes, yes, it had numerous issues

he did not disclose.

But no matter,

for you are now our captive.

Huh. - Hmm.

Is that boy gonna be all right now?

That was another whoopsie-daisy.

Trying it again.

Ah!

Humorous.

Humorous in a foreboding manner.

Yes, quite humorous, yes.

Very well, Smart Beavis.

We shall now perform scientific experiments

on this human.

Does that mean probe his anus?

That is what it means, and that is all that it means.

Prepare the machine.

Hmm.

How many anuses does a human have?

I believe one.

The machine is fully prepared.

Then let the science begin.

I think the machine is broken, Smart Butt-Head.

Do you know how to fix it?

No. Do you?

Well, I could probably get that working for you again.

Nine times out of ten, what you're looking at

is a bad motor coupling.

Well, the capacitor seems good. That's not it.

You know, I don't exactly remember

who you boys are or how I even got here.

Yes, your memory was wiped

with a mnemulator.

Well, I call it a case of senioritis.

I ain't never seen something like this before.

Must be made in Italy or something.

It is made in a universe beyond your comprehension.

Ah, well, then it's probably all metric.

Oh, here's your problem.

See, this wire housing just worked its way loose.

We just gotta tighten that up like so.

See, you take this into the shop,

and they see you got a custom van from Italy,

they're gonna say it needs all kinds of parts

and run the price up on you,

but it's just a loose housing.

So it works now?

It sure does.

So what's this thing do anyway?

It seals your doom.

What now?

Incapacitate him

and attach him to the probe.

Very well, but first, I shall wipe his memory

with a mnemulator.

Look at this device.

You might see a bright light.

Look at what now?

Whoops, I missed.

Where am I? Who are you?

What is your name?

Are you boys all right?

What is this device?

I do not remember it.

It seems I can fit inside it.

Yes, quite comfortable, yes.

Do you remember what this button does?

I do not. Please press it.

Agh! My anus.

Agh! There is a probing of my anus.

Sir, do you remember how to turn this machine off?

The device is unfolding something.

It is expanding. - This is quite humorous.

Well, I don't need to join the Elks Club that bad,

I tell you what.

That sounds like the kind of shenanigans

they do at the Moose Lodge.

There seems to be an unexpected intrusion

in my anus.

Its reach was much more further

than I had imagined.

I remember who I am now,

and it is making it worse.

My anus.

Um, Cody, you said

we could come over here and play your game,

and we've been watching you play

for, like, an hour.

I didn't say you could play it.

I said you could see it.

Um, what?

It's called seeing.

You do it with your eyes, genius.

Damn it, Cody, we wanna play.

Yeah, yeah, I wanna shoot guys in the butt.

Yeah.

I don't care. I hate you guys.

Cody, you suck

more than anyone has ever sucked.

- Yeah, and you suck. - Aw.

it's so good to see Cody is making friends.

What friends?

This is wonderful.

Cody, why don't you invite your new friends

for dinner, hmm? - But...

Beavis, do you like broccolini?

Is she, like, a chick or something?

So you two are Cody's new friends?

Uh, sir, we're just here

because we wanna play this video game.

It's turning into such a good year for Cody.

I knew it would happen sooner or later.

Uh, no, seriously, he's, like, kind of a butthole--

We're gonna do everything we can

to make it work out this time.

Dad, help me in the kitchen a minute?

Don't have too much fun without us.

Get out of my house.

We're not leaving until we play the video game,

you butthole.

That's right. Yeah. [snickers] You said.

No matter how much this place sucks,

we will stay until we can shoot those guys

in the butt.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, fine, you can shoot one guy in the butt, then go.

One guy in the butt each.

Fine.

Okay, then.

Seconds for everybody.

Mom, can Beavis and Butt-Head go play the video game,

like, right now?

Of course you can.

But before we have screen time,

what do we have?

Family time.

Does anyone see an edge piece with a little bit of cloud?

This sucks.

Uh... hmm.

Yeah.

Huh.

This is the worst song I've ever heard in my life.

Is it a song, though?

I don't think it's a song, Butt-Head.

Yeah, it is.

It's got, like, notes

and music or something.

Yeah, yeah, definitely not a song.

I think it's just, like, sounds

that are supposed to, like, calm you down, you know?

Damn it, Beavis, just sounds can't calm you down.

You need a song to calm you down.

No, you don't!

It's calming me down, and it's not a song.

What's your problem?

My problem is,

I'm sick of sitting next to you

being wrong all the time about everything.

Yeah, well, I'm sick of you

telling me I'm wrong all the time, yeah.

I've had enough of your crap,

so shut up.

Beavis, I will beat the living crap out of you

if you ever talk to me like that again.

Oh, yeah, yeah?

Well, let me say it again, Butt-Head.

You're wrong, and I'm tired of you giving me crap

all the time!

You wanna do something about it?

Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna do this about it.

Agh! Damn it!

Shove it up your ass, you--

- I've been waiting

a long time for this, Beavis.

Oh, no, you don't! No, you don't!

Your mom is a--[groans]

Shut up, Butt-Head.

Say one more thing about my mom!

You don't like that, do you, huh?

Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.

- Yah!

Don't even try that--ugh!

Oh, no, you don't, no, you don't!

- Gah!

Ugh. [groans]

Oh, what's that?

Uh... [groaning]

Uh, where are we? What happened?

What's that? - Uh...

I don't know, but this song sucks.

Yeah, um...

I don't think that's a song, Butt-Head.

Yeah, definitely not a song.

Damn it, Beavis.

Oh, this is definitely the side of the barn.

Can Beavis and Butt-Head just play the video game

for five minutes so they can leave?

Cody, you know that this time is important

for us to connect as a family.

Sometimes, honey, we feel

like we're just not connecting with you like we should.

And that's why it's important for us to spend time

with you and your friends,

who I know are very important to you.

This piece looks like it has a schlong.

Cody, you didn't tell us your friend was a comedian.

Uh, a what?

"Schlong" is age-appropriate language.

Very natural for teenagers to be testing limits.

Look, Beavis, your piece fits right in here.

Yeah, whoa!

Boing-oing-oing-oing- oing-oing-oing.

See, Cody never tells us

the cool teen lingo like "boing."

We have to learn it from his friends.

Boing. - Yeah, that there's

a real nice boing.

- Mom. - Boing-oing-oing.

Boing-yoing-yoing.

That new teen slang is terrific.

Whoa. Your mom's got wood.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, your dad, too, yeah.

Yeah, they're probably gonna score.

Yeah.

Mom, Dad, seriously.

They have to g-- - You know what?

We're all having such a good time.

Why don't you two spend the night?

That's a great idea.

Oh, it's just so much fun that Cody has friends now.

- Mom... - Wait, what's happening?

We can finish the puzzle and then play Risk.

Or Settlers of Catan.

And then hot cocoa and go to bed.

Uh, no.

We wanna play the video game.

Yeah, yeah, we wanna shoot guys in the butt.

Yeah.

You can play all day tomorrow.

Don't worry.

Cody's got some PJs he's grown out of.

Uh... this sucks.

- Yeah, really. - I know.

Uh, well, this sucks.

- Oh, God.

Now, I know you guys were planning

on playing video games all day...

Yeah, we're gonna shoot a guy in the butt.

But after breakfast, let's all go down to the park

and enjoy this sunny weather.

What?

We just wanna give Cody some quality time

with his new friends.

Just leave, please.

Sorry, Cody.

We don't like this any more than you do,

but we cannot leave until we play your video game.

That's true, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna shoot a guy in the butt.

Yeah.

Usually, for breakfast, we have unsweetened granola,

but since it's a special occasion--

Cody made some friends--

we're having Cody's special breakfast.

He's so creative, he came up with this himself.

It's Cocoa Puffs, Count Chocula, and Sugar Smacks

with a scoop of ice cream on top.

It is a whole lot of sugar, but what the heck?

It's not every day that Cody makes friends.

Whoa.

This is gonna be cool.

Hey!

Philip, can I talk to you for a second?

- I hate to say this... - I know.

But Cody's so shy.

It's good for him to be friends with someone so expressive

and theatrical, like Beavis.

Exactly.

It could really bring him out of his shell.

He's an only child, and it's just good for him

to be around an extrovert, you know?

Oh, maybe he'll join theater club.

Exactly. Beavis is a good influence.

I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole.

- Cody needs this.

Mom, Dad, you gotta do something.

We know, sweetie.

We know what we have to do.

We need to start listening to you better

and respect your choice of friends.

- What? - Ooh!

- Hey, Beavis? - Ah!

I just want you to know, we hear you.

I'm Cornholio too.

And we're always here if you and your friends

want to rap about TP and bungholes

or substance abuse or just whatever.

Are you threatening me?

Not at all, man.

Boing. - Boing-oing-oing.

Broccolini!

I have broccolini in my bunghole.

I'm gonna go ahead and borrow this.

See you later.

You will give me all your broccolini!

Are your friends leaving?

Well, their parents probably want them home

on Saturday morning.

I can't wait to meet them.

I bet they're really bunghole.

I need broccolini for my bunghole.

Broccolini!

I knew he liked that broccolini.

You will not disrespect my bunghole!

Chirp.