All language subtitles for Adrienne.Iapalucci.The.Dark.Queen.2024.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage, my favorite comic,

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

The Dark Queen, Adrienne Iapalucci!

[audience cheers and applauds]

[crowd whistles and cheers]

[applause dies down]

[Adrienne] I'm not a good person.

My best friend, she moved to Austin

She's not very good with money.
So for her birthday, I gave her $200,

and she spent it
getting her shelter dogs DNA tested.

[audience laughs]

I was like,
I'd rather you'd given that money to ISIS.

[audience laughs]

Well, at least they would've
blown up something with that.

[crowd laughs]

What did you think you're gonna
find out about your shelter dog? [scoffs]

I'm pretty sure it's 100% nobody wanted it

[audience laughs]

No.

I know.

I also have a dog and people are like,
"Did you rescue it?"

I'm like, "No, I paid for it
'cause I wanted a cute one."

[audience laughs]

[sighs] Oh my God, she's so much cuter
than your rescues.

[audience laughs]

Our life matters so much more.

[audience laughs]

[sighs] Little Peggy Sue, she's so cute.

She's a Boston Terrier pug, and… [sighs]

…she has brown fur, crystal green eyes,

and she has, like,
the tiniest little pussy.

[audience laughs]

[gasps] It's so cute.
Yeah, we had to pay extra for it.

[audience laughs]

My friend's shelter dog's pussy
is disgusting.

[audience laughs]

Like, I see why they were
gonna put that one down.

[audience laughs]

No, my best friend,
she lives in Austin, she's very liberal,

and she's always complaining that
the rest of Texas is very conservative.

I'm like, "Well, you're actually
the problem there."

[audience laughs]

You know? [smacks lips]

Just like Israel. [chokes back laugh]

[audience laughs]

No! I'm not saying either side
is right or wrong,

but they are surrounded by Arab countries
that hate them. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

You are the problem. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

Listen, I've been to Israel.
It's not great.

[audience chuckles]

It's just, like, hot and beaches.

It's a lot like Florida.

[audience laughs]

I wonder if Ukraine is worried that we're
gonna cut them off financially now.

You know?

Ukraine's kinda like America's stepchild,
but Israel is like our real child.

[audience laughs]

You know, Palestine is like
our trans child.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] They exist,
but we don't want to talk about them.

[audience laughs]

[woman howls]

No, I don't… Listen, I don't know anything
about what's going on in the Middle East,

which is why I feel like
I'm the right person to talk about it.

[audience laughs]

[inhales deeply]

I will say, isn't it a nice change of pace
to see white and brown people fight

in another country for a bit?

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] Look, I don't know how
to make Palestine happy,

but has anyone tried giving them casinos?

[audience laughs and claps]

I don't know.

[audience laughs and whistles]

I feel like it worked for us.

[audience laughs]

[Adrienne chuckles]

Oh my God, the Native Americans
are so happy. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

[smack lips] No.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] Maybe we could name
some sports teams after them, you know?

[audience groans and laughs]

I don't know, the Palestinian Paragliders.

[audience groans and laughs]

I don't know, I'm just talking.

Um… Obviously we can work this out.

[audience chuckles]

No. I don't know.

I guess Hamas has to kill all of the Jews,

and they got that directly from Allah,

or like, some guy
they're hanging out with.

Um, it's kind of… [chuckles]

…unclear.

Um… But even if they do have to kill
all of the Jews, right?

It does feel like the rapes
were just for them.

[audience laughs]

Right? Like when they get to
the afterlife, like,

"That is not what we talked about."

[audience laughs]

You really freestyled there.

[laughter continues]

Yes.

Hamas has to kill all of the Jews.

They are really limiting it to Israel.

Right? If they wanted all the Jews dead,
wouldn't they do it globally?

It's just local.

[audience laughs]

Which lets you know
it's not really about the Jews.

It's about whoever
is occupying that space.

If Asian people lived there,
they would hate the Asians, you know?

Um…

Like, look at me. I've lived in the Bronx
my entire life, so I hate Puerto Ricans.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

And what I am proposing
is a little exchange program…

[audience laughs]

…where we send
the Puerto Ricans to Israel.

[laughter continues]

And send the Jews to the Bronx.

And then you watch how quickly
the Palestinians will be begging

for the Jews back.

[audience laughs]

Like…

[sharp inhale]

[applause]

Like, oh my God.

Like, "These people never sleep!" [laughs]

"Just always playing music."

Yeah!

[laughter continues]

"The Jews go to bed, you know?"

[laughter continues]

"They have jobs."

[audience laughs]

Um…

[audience laughs and applauds]

You know…

No.

[audience laughs]

I am part Jewish, which,
you know, I didn't want to bring up,

because we were having so much fun.

-[audience laughs]
-But…

Nobody knew that growing up.

I have a very Italian last name and I also
went to Catholic school my whole life.

And I had blonde hair as a kid, so…

One day in class, my teacher
said in front of everyone,

"Adrienne, if this had been
during Hitler's era, you might've been

one of the only people in the class
that he saved."

[audience chuckles]

I was like, what a weird way
to tell everyone I'm better than them.

[audience laughs]

My mother's mother is Jewish,
and that's how you get it.

And, uh…

[audience laughs]

I thought she was in the Holocaust.

I told a lot of people that.

[audience laughs]

My mom was like, "You know,
she was also just born in the Bronx."

[laughter continues]

Well, she had a much longer train ride.
[chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

[laughter continues]

Uh…

I did get to go to Israel.

If you've never been there
before, you know,

this is a good time to go.

[audience laughs]

I'd never been there before.
I was there on a tour,

and me and my friend,
we went to the Western Wall.

If you've never been to the Western Wall,
don't bother going,

It's just a brick wall. [suppresses laugh]

[audience chuckles]

[audience laughs]

This place is owned by Jews also.

[laughter continues]

So…

It's like being at the Western Wall.
[laughs]

[audience laughs]

So when you go there, they separate
the men and the women from praying.

And the women's side was very long,
so I just went on the men's side.

And, uh…

That is highly frowned upon there.

Like, "You cannot be on this side."
I was like, "Why?"

They're like, "Well, the men
cannot have any distractions."

I was like, "How do you know
I'm not sent from God as a test?"

[audience laughs]

He's like, "Just go on the other side."

[laughter continues]

You know, I go on the other side.
It's just old ladies crying

and young girls with selfie sticks.
If there is a God, he's not thrilled.

[audience laughs]

[sighs]

And, you know, being a native New Yorker,
I just pushed everyone out of the way.

-[laughter continues]
-"Let's get to the wall."

I didn't know what to do when I got there
'cause no one told me.

So I just treated it
like it was Santa Claus.

[audience chuckles]

Like, "I want a new car."

[audience laughs]

"And I want to hit the lottery."

"Give this lady whatever she wants,
she's crying pretty hard."

[laughter continues]

There's also cracks in the wall,
which people put little notes to God.

Because God can hear you,
but he also likes to do a bit of reading.

[audience laughs]

[Adrienne stifles a laugh]

No.

Nobody told me that, so I just took
the notes out and started reading them.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] "He's not gonna grant that one."

[laughter continues]

No.

I'm not very religious, but you know,
I did go to Catholic school my whole life.

When I was a kid I used to have
a crucifix, and the Jesus fell off,

so I'd make Jesus date my dolls.

-[audience laughs]
-But…

I always had to make him
extremely argumentative

to explain why his arms were always up.

[audience laughs]

No, he'd just come home
from the market one day, like,

"Yo, bitch, where my slippers at?"

[audience laughs]

No.

[audience chuckles]

No, I'm not religious, but I do like to
switch up my gods every couple of years.

They're kind of like cell phone carriers,
you got to keep switching

to get the best deal, so…

Right now I'm praying to Allah.

That's my God, but I don't think
I'm doing it right, you know?

I'm not praying on a rug,
and I'm not praying five times a day,

but I do find if you get him
during his off-peak hours…

[audience chuckles]

…you can get him to give a message
to the real God.

[audience laughs]

Well, I'm pretty sure they're all fake.
[chuckles]

But it's definitely not that one. [snorts]

[laughter continues]

Like, if we all died and went
to the afterlife and it was him,

wouldn't you be like, "Well,
this is a bit surprising." [laughs]

[audience laughs and claps]

You know, I thought… You know… [chuckles]
maybe Buddha. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

No. [smacks lips]

[laughter continues]

I dated a Muslim guy for a while.

He's like, "Adrienne, Muslim men
do not go down on women."

I was like, "I do not remember
reading that in the Qur'an."

[audience laughs]

Like, I'm pretty sure he's like,

"You can beat them,
but you still have to eat their box."

[audience laughs and claps]

[laughter continues]

[woman] Oh my God.

Can't be a total savage.

[audience laughs]

No. I was supposed to go to Ukraine
the day that it got bombed,

and then it got bombed
and I didn't have to go.

And… No, I know that's not woke.

I know I should have went there and died.

-Um…
-[audience laughs]

I'm sorry. [laughs]

Somebody was at a concert the other day.
They had a "Fuck Putin" sign.

I was like, "Oh, do you think
he got the message?"

[audience laughs]

Somebody knocked on his door.

[microphone thumps]

"You're not going to like this."

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

"People at this Lizzo concert
are pretty mad at you."

[audience laughs]

Mm…

[audience chuckles]

Are you guys still supporting Ukraine?

Yeah?

[scattered laughter]

[smacks lips] It sounds nice to say
we're still supporting them, right?

Kind of like how we feed homeless
people once a year on Thanksgiving.

[audience laughs]

Then a couple of days later they're like,
"Hey, we're still hungry."

We're like, "We just fucking fed you."

[audience laughs]

No.

Sometimes I think about the Ukrainian
women that got sex trafficked to America,

like five or six years ago, you know?

They're like,
"Well, who's free now?" [laughs]

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

No. I supported Ukraine for about a week.

-Um…
-[audience laughs]

Well, then I stopped and thought
about it. I was like, "You know what?"

"Every week in this country there's
a school shooting, and not one person

in Ukraine has changed
their profile picture…"

[audience laughs]

"…to our flag."

It's like the least you could do.

[audience chuckles]

One lady's like,
"They're in the middle of a war."

I'm like, "They're all still scrolling."

[audience laughs]

No. We have a lot
of school shootings in this country.

Some people would say too many,
some would say not enough.

[audience laughs]

Like it depends what side you're on.

[laughter continues]

[scoffs and smacks lips]

I don't know. If you do have kids
and you love them,

you have to send them
to private school, you know?

'Cause there's, like, way less
school shootings there.

But, you know, I get it.
You want to redo your kitchen.

So…

[audience laughs]

Yup. You're just going to roll the dice.

[laughter continues]

I get it, you know?
Who wants old countertops?

[audience laughs]

Especially when everyone's gonna
come to your house after the funeral.

[audience groans and laughs]

"Oh my God."

"Is this new?" [snickers]

[audience laughs]

Yes, uh…

Parkland was a very
upsetting shooting, you know?

Because it happened on Ash Wednesday,
which made it sadder

'cause it just meant all those kids
had targets on their heads.

[audience groans and laughs]

[scattered applause]

-[Adrienne smacks lips]
-[laughter continues]

Uh…

[man cheers]

That. That was for Ari. [chuckles]

-[Adrienne laughs]
-[audience laughs]

No.

A lot of schools have safe spaces
for words, you know, not for bullets.

[audience chuckles]

Even if you go into those schools
as a shooter, they'll be like,

"Hey. You can shoot the kids, but
please don't call them retards." [laughs]

[audience laughs]

You know?

We don't want them triggered…

-[laughter continues]
-…you know,

before they're murdered.

[audience chuckles]

Because then the meat won't be as soft.

[audience laughs and groans]

[smacks lips] No.

We did give Ukraine a lot of money.

I just wish we would've fixed some
of our own problems also, you know?

Like homelessness. [inhales deeply]

Not gotten them homes.

Just put them all somewhere
so we don't have to see 'em anymore.

[audience laughs]

Ever have a homeless person
ask for money and you're like,

"I'm also not doing well."

-[audience laughs and claps]
-[woman cheers]

"I'm just doing a little bit
better than you."

[audience laughs and cheers]

[scattered applause]

I know. I don't like whenever I see
homeless people without shoes on,

'cause I'm like, "Why doesn't he cut down
those sneakers off the power line?"

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

If I was homeless, that's what I would do.

[audience chuckles]

All the homeless people would be like,
"Adrianne is really killing it."

[audience laughs]

I was at a red light the other day
and a homeless guy asked for money.

I didn't have any,
but he was standing near the trash,

so I was like, "Hey would you mind
throwing this out for me?"

[audience laughs]

He was like, "That's my home."

[laughter continues]

Well, "Would you consider this
a housewarming present?"

[audience groans and laughs]

What else could we have done
with that money?

We could've given
Black people reparations.

We never did that.
That's pretty fucked up.

If I was Black in this country,
I would be so fucking mad.

But I'm not, so…

[audience laughs]

No, I still think it's fucked up.
I like to do my own reparations.

Whenever I'm in a store
and the line is very long,

I always let a couple of Black people
cut in front of me.

I just lean over, like, "Hey, I know
this isn't what we promised you…"

[audience laughs]

[Adrienne sighs]

-[laughter continues]
-[smacks lips]

What else? We could've gotten rid
of student loans, you know?

But instead, this administration
did put more kids in cages,

which… which is good.

-[audience laughs]
-Um…

Now, maybe if they start
charging them rent,

we'd get the rest
of our student loans wiped clean.

[audience laughs]

Oh my God. Remember how much
people pretended they cared

about the kids in the cages?

Oh my God, we're all hypocrites.

We're all still wearing Nikes.

[audience chuckles]

Those are just made by different kids
in China that nobody cares about.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, those kids would love
to be in the cages.

[audience groans]

Like, "Oh my God, I would love
a couple of days off from work."

[audience laughs]

"Yeah. I haven't been off since I'm two."

[laughter continues]

[smacks lips] "I would love a siesta."

[audience laughs]

No.

I had a pair of Jordans on, and this lady
was like, "You know, kids make those?"

I'm like, "Yeah.
That's why they're so nice."

[audience cheers and laughs]

You have to have tiny fingers

to be able to get in between
the tiny crevices.

Listen, everything I wear is made by kids.

I will not wear anything made by an adult.

[audience laughs]

I refuse to buy from their competitors.

[audience groans and laughs]

Yeah.

-[audience chuckles]
-[smacks lips]

No. Immigration, that's a fun topic

in this country.

Um… no.

That's why I like Republicans.

They're honest about not caring
about poor people.

[audience chuckles]

Like, "Yeah, we hate all of you,
and we can't wait for you to die."

[chuckling continues]

But Democrats are like, "No, we love you,
and we are fighting for you

to not live anywhere near us." [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[scattered applause and whistling]

No.

[man cheers]

[smacks lips] No…

Republicans are also full of shit.
[scoffs]

Yeah, you guys hate poor people,
but you need them to fight your wars.

Um…

And, you know, fill your prisons.

-Um…
-[audience chuckles]

Yeah, that's why they overturned
Roe vs Wade.

It has nothing to do with kids.

Every abortion is a future soldier.

[audience laughs and groans]

Yeah, nobody with a trust fund
joins the military.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] I'm dating the guys
that come back from war. They're not good.

[audience laughs]

Army's like, "Be all that you can be."
You're like, "Well, save some." [laughs]

You're gonna come back from war
and nobody's going to care. [laughs]

[smacks lips] We don't care
about veterans. What do we do for them?

We give them discounts at ski resorts.

[audience laughs]

Like, "Cool. I have no legs, but I guess
it's the thought that counts." [snickers]

-[audience laughs]
-Yeah. [smacks lips]

No. I did, I dated two Iraq war vets.

Uh… They were both very fucked up,
you know, not their fault.

I don't know what you think will happen.
Send a kid off to war for 8-10 years,

he's gonna come back,

and you think he's gonna be
a great Target employee. [snickers]

-[audience laughs]
-[Adrienne snorts]

Yeah. My ex-boyfriend was very toxic.

We'd always break up
and get back together.

When we finally broke up, he was like,
"If you don't get back together with me,

I am going to kill myself."

Like, "I'm not gonna stop you
'cause it'll have been the only thing

that you ever accomplished."

[audience laughs and groans]

[smacks lips] No, he didn't even do it.

So…

[audience chuckles]

He still accomplished nothing.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

My ex-boyfriend had very bad night terrors

and he'd just be like screaming at night.

And then I'd have to just be like,
"Get down!" [laughs]

[audience laughs]

Oh my God.

[scattered applause]

"They're gonna get you." [chuckles]

Oh my God.

"They hate you so much…" [laughs]

No.

I dated a lot of guys that have PTSD.

Uh… It makes sense, I'm a war.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

"Oh, two tours in Afghanistan?"

"Let's see if that prepared you for me."

[audience laughs]

I dated a guy that was a first responder
on 9/11, which was hard

'cause everyone always thought
he was a hero.

[inhales deeply]

"I kind of feel like I'm the hero after
hearing him talk about it all the time."

-[audience laughs]
-[Adrienne snickers]

Like, "First responder? You got there
and both of the towers were down already."

[audience chuckles]

I don't know, at best the 500th responder.

[chuckles continue]

[laughter builds]

[woman laughs]

No. I get it, though.

You know, once you watch people
jump out of the towers,

it's gonna be a real cakewalk

when I throw your shit out
the third floor window.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

No…

[audience chuckles]

[woman cheers]

I watched that documentary
about Flight 93.

I don't know if you guys know or not…
That's the flight on 9/11

where the passengers took over.

And, in my opinion, the best 9/11 flight.

-Um…
-[audience chuckles]

No, I don't know how you're ranking them,
but, for me, that one's up top.

Um… [inhales sharply]

It's a touching documentary, I guess.
People are talking about people they lost.

But you have to keep in mind
not all of these people were important.

Um…

[audience laughs]

I saw one lady really struggle to come up
with anything nice to say…

[laughter continues]

…about her sister.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] She was like,
"Well, she did karate."

[audience laughs]

[scattered cackling]

"She made it to brown belt and we'll never
know if she could've went all the way."

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

I stayed in a hotel recently
in Fairfield, Connecticut,

and the receptionist made a point
to tell me that

that was the hotel
that the terrorists stayed at on 9/11.

I was like, "I'd rather you just tell me
the beds are really nice."

[audience laughs]

Doesn't actually help me.
[inhales sharply]

Know what the terrorists did before 911?
They went to a strip club and got wasted.

Which is crazy 'cause they all
still made their flights.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] I do wonder if people
in terrorist groups have friends

outside the terrorist group, you know?

Just people that could level with them
and be honest, you know?

Maybe like a dog walker.

Um…

Somebody that could just be like, "Look,
you guys know religion is fake, right?"

[audience laughs]

How upset do you think
the terrorists were… [snickers]

…in the afterlife
when there's no virgins there,

and they're just hanging out
with everyone that they just blew up.

[audience laughs]

[sighs and trills]

-[smacks lips]
-[audience laughs]

"Fuck, man…" [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

"I'm sorry, I thought I was never
gonna see you again."

[audience laughs]

[sighs] "Thought I'd be knee-deep
in 13-year-olds by now."

[audience groans and laughs]

What? They're not white… [laughs]
13-year-olds.

It's fine, you know?

[smacks lips] No one cares about them.

[audience laughs]

We worry about the weirdest things
in this country.

They were taking down
all of the racist statues.

I'm like, take 'em all down.

Take down the non-racist statues also.

[audience laughs]

To send a message.

Let's do this. Take it a step further.

Just stop talking about white people
in history class altogether.

Just totally deplatform us.

And then, in 50 years there'll be no proof
we did anything bad. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

You take our mistakes down.
I don't care. [laughs].

That's great.

[audience laughs]

No. At some point where gonna have to
accept that some old, racist white men

made great shit
we don't want to stop using.

My friend's daughter is like,
"They're changing the name

of the Benjamin Franklin Bridge."

I was like, "Oh, are you gonna
also stop using electricity?"

[audience laughs]

"Be a lot harder to do your
TikTok videos on construction paper."

[audience laughs]

No matter how progressive you are,
you have to ask yourself,

if you found out tomorrow that the AC
was made by somebody in the KKK,

would you stop using it?

[audience laughs]

No. You'd be like, "Thank God
they were wearing all of those sheets."

[audience laughs]

"It's so hot." [chuckles]

"Make the air conditioner."

[smacks lips] No.

Regardless of who wins, I just want
to keep hearing about Hunter Biden.

[audience laughs]

He's one of us.

[audience laughs]

Oh my God.

[audience laughs and whistles]

[smacks lips] Doesn't he make you feel
so much better about yourself?

[audience laughs]

Like, "Well, look, if the president's son
can't stop doing crack…

[audience laughs]

…how am I gonna stop?"

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] No. He has been
doing crack for a long time,

which I do really respect.

[audience laughs]

What's that saying? "Do what you love,
you'll never work a day in your life."

-[audience laughs]
-[Adrienne chuckles]

I had a friend that did crack
with a prostitute.

He's like, "Adrienne, crack's so good
that I went down on the prostitute."

[audience groans and laughs]

I was like,
"That should be crack's slogan."

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

[sighs]

I was in a restaurant,
and Hillary and Bill Clinton were there,

and I asked to take a picture.
Not even 'cause I like them.

I just want to make a joke on Instagram
about Epstein not killing himself. So….

[audience laughs]

We took the picture and then Bill wanted
to take a selfie with just me and him,

and Hillary goes,
"She already got her picture."

I was like, "Hill, it's a little late
in the game to be on it." [scoffs]

[audience laughs]

I'm like, you're about 30 years too late.

[audience laughs]

Look, it's true what they say,
he's very nice and charismatic,

and she is not.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] Do you know how
embarrassing it is that she lost to Trump?

[audience laughs].

Look, if I was Bill,
I would've been so embarrassed

that I would've hired
the same people the Clintons hired

to kill everybody else
that works for them.

-[audience laughs]
-[smacks lips]

And had them kill Hillary. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

No. I shouldn't talk about them,
'cause I do want to be rich.

-[audience laughs]
-[smacks lips]

We all want to be rich, not too rich.

I do want to stop right before
it's okay to fuck kids.

[audience laughs]

But what if I do it and I love it?
[chuckles]

[audience laughs]

Okay, obviously that's a joke.
I don't want to fuck kids.

If I did, I wouldn't tell you guys.

[audience laughs]

No.

[sighs]

I know what you're thinking.
Poor people also fuck kids, which is true.

They do, but it's… you know, a lot sadder.

[audience laughs]

No big party.

Just one guy in a UPS uniform
walking over to his truck, like,

"Man, I shouldn't have fucked that kid."

[audience laughs]

"This is not good." [chuckles]

But, you know, rich people are on yachts
high-fiving each other, like,

"Man, I can't believe
we're fucking these kids." [laughs]

[audience laughs]

"Holy fuck, man!"

[laughs]

[inhales sharply] Mm…

[smacks lips]

Imagine getting lost at sea,
and you finally get to an island

and it's Epstein Island?

[audience groans and laughs]

[chuckles]

At first you have no idea what's going on.
Like, "There's people here that can help."

"This is great." [heavy sigh]

You're like, "It's a lot of grandpas
and their granddaughters."

[audience chuckles]

"It's a little weird."

You're like, "That's nice.
She's tying his shoe."

"Oh my God! No…" [gasps]

[audience laughs]

"Are they…? They all are…" [laughs]

"How long have I been lost
at sea?" [laughs]

[audience laughs]

What a weird predicament, right?
You have to pretend it's okay

'cause you need their help.

Like, "Yeah, I was just
at this other island

where nobody was fucking kids, so I left.

-Ugh!
-[audience laughs]

[Adrienne chuckles]

-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]

[Adrienne chuckles]

[audience chuckles]

You're like, "Well, you know,

how many kids do I have to fuck
before I can use the phone?" [laughs]

[audience laughs].

No…

[audience chuckles]

Lot of you guys look kind of young.

Do you guys have kids? Any of you?

No. Smart.

I don't have kids either.

I did it on purpose, you know?

'Cause I am trying to stop pedophilia.

[audience laughs]

That is the only way.

We have to take away the supply.

[audience laughs]

But, you know…

Sometimes you just got to be the change
that you want to see.

[audience laughs]

No, I get it, though.
Somebody's got to feed the machine.

-[audience groans]
-So…

No! Listen, it's… It's fine.

My sister has a kid also.
She's also pro-pedophile.

-[audience laughs]
-And, uh…

[audience chuckles]

No.

Yeah, she had a kid. Uh…
You know, the old-fashioned way,

with a married man.

-[audience laughs]
-And uh…

No, it's fine.

She got him to, like,
leave his wife and kids. [laughs]

No, I'm not like bragging about it,
but you just never hear

the success stories, so…

[audience laughs]

Uh… I want to give people hope.

If you want to fuck someone
that's married, do it.

Love is love.

-[audience laughs]
-Yeah.

That's what progressives say.

It's not just for gay people.

[audience laughs]

Sometime someone might want
to fuck your husband or wife

and you have to let them.

Otherwise, you're a conservative.

[audience laughs]

No.

If you ever do get the chance to fuck
a liberal's husband, you got to do it.

[audience laughs]

Just to show 'em they're not
as open-minded as they think they are.

[audience laughs]

[man] That's right.

My sister's been fucking
that dude for 10 years,

and it's not the first time she got
pregnant by him, it's the second.

The first time, she had a miscarriage,
'cause even God was like,

"This is not a good idea." [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

He's like, "The first one's on me."

Um…

[audience laughs]

That's… That's a nice policy.

[audience laughs]

That God has. [chuckles]

No. My nephew is autistic, and uh…

Well, his dad's 60.

So…

[audience laughs]

Usually, when kids have autism
they don't know why, but we all know.

It's old jizz.

[audience laughs]

You're not supposed to have a baby
with someone that went through puberty

when Nixon was in office.

[audience laughs]

She tells people he's on the spectrum.

Like, we have to be specific, you know?
The spectrum is big.

You know, is he, like, eating glue,
or he knows all the train stops?

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

[laughter continues]

[sighs] She'd be very upset if she knew
I was still doing these jokes.

[audience laughs]

She has asked me to stop.

But you know, my body, my choice. Um…

[audience laughs]

I was in a store, and the cashier asked me
if I wanted to donate to diabetes.

I was like, "Well, my sister has diabetes,
and we don't really get along."

-[audience laughs]
-So… [smacks lips]

"It's gonna be a no."

[audience laughs]

And she was so confused.

-She was like, "Not even a dollar?"
-I was like, "I want to take money out."

[audience laughs]

[Adrienne sighs and chuckles]

How do we defund diabetes?

-[audience laughs]
-[Adrienne chuckles and smacks lips]

'Cause it's also taking out Black men.
[suppresses laugh]

[audience laughs and groans]

[smacks lips]

That was just for some of you.

[audience laughs]

No.

Me and my sister, we love each other,
but we're not super close.

We were talking the other day
about the strength of mothers.

I was like, "You mean emotional strength,
'cause women are strong emotionally."

She was like, "No, physical strength."

"Haven't you heard that
if a child's trapped under a car,

a mom will find superhuman strength

and be able to lift the car
off the child?"

I was like,
"Man, that's crazy they can do that,

but they can't beat off
an abusive boyfriend."

[audience groans and laughs]

[smacks lips]

I mean, a Ford Festiva's 2400 pounds.

[audience laughs]

The average guy's like 190.

[laughter continues]

It sounds like some of you
have gotten beat.

[audience groans and laughs]

Well, no… I want you to know
that is your fault.

-[audience groans and laughs]
-Um…

You could've stopped it, you know,
if you wanted to.

Obviously.

It is weird though. We all know about that
one woman that lifted a car off her child,

but nobody's ever met her.

[woman laughs]

Anytime I meet a new mom,
I'm like, "Was it you?"

[audience laughs]

No. That means it had to happen
at least one time, you know?

I mean, she's probably transgender.

-[audience laughs]
-Um…

What? They're just stronger.

[laughter continues]

Nobody will tell us why. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips]

[laughter continues]

[smacks lips]

My mom wants me to have a kid.
I'm like, "It's not gonna happen, I'm 45."

But just to make her happy
I asked my doctor.

"How much longer do you think
I have to have kids?"

He looked at me like I showed up 5 minutes
before a supermarket was closing.

[audience laughs]

[scoffs]

-He was like, "I think you're done."
-[audience laughs]

"You can probably get something
at the deli."

[laughter continues]

[smacks lips] No.

Which is like, you know,
the equivalent of adopting kids. Um…

[smack lips] Adopted kids are like the ham
and cheese sandwiches at the deli.

You know, you don't go in for that,
but you settle for it.

[audience laughs]

No. I would never adopt a kid,

just 'cause I don't want
somebody else's garbage.

-Um…
-[audience laughs]

I know. My friend doesn't like it,
'cause it's about him, that joke.

-Um…
-[audience laughs]

"I'm pretty sure your bio parents
are glad they're not here

for round 3 of rehab." [snorts]

[audience laughs and groans]

[sighs] Yeah.

It is hard to know what came first.

Abandonment or crack cocaine.

[audience laughs]

But me and my family, we're pretty trashy.
I grew up pretty poor.

My sister's a little trashier than me,
and I know that

'cause after my dad died she went
and got a tattoo of his face on her tit.

[audience laughs]

[inhales sharply]

It's supposed to be above her heart,
but the picture she used is so big

that it just looks like a headshot.

[audience laughs]

She was like,
"What are you gonna do for Dad?"

I was like, "Nothing, you win."

[audience laughs]

"Dad loves you more."

[laughter continues]

[smacks lips] She also used a bad picture.

She used a picture
where his hairline's receding.

I was like, "So the older you get,
and the more your tits sag…

the more his hairline's gonna recede?"

[audience laughs]

"That doesn't seem like
a nice way to honor Dad."

-[laughter continues]
-No.

You can only see the tattoo
when she dresses sexy,

which I think makes it worse.

[audience laughs]

"I guess you're getting fucked tonight.
I see the top of Dad's head sticking out."

[audience laughs]

[snorts]

[laughter continues]

[smacks lips]

-[sighs]
-[laughter continues]

[inhales deeply]

[smacks lips] Our stepfather,
he died, uh… six months ago.

I was like, "You should get
his face tattooed on your other tit…"

[audience laughs]

"…so when your six-year-old boyfriend
jerks off, he can cum onto a graveyard."

[audience laughs]

Well, you know…

Plus, he's also very homophobic.

So I was like… Her boyfriend…
"You could just make them kiss." [laughs]

[audience laughs]

All day… [chuckles]

No. [smacks lips]

Me and my family grew up poor,
and whenever you tell people

they always want examples from your life,
to make sure you suffered enough.

[audience laughs]

You could tell if you were poor or not
by the games you played as kids.

We never played teacher or doctor.
We played pregnant stripper and cashier.

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] Which is way more fun.

I think we were poor because my dad
was a gambler and a mailman,

and you can't do both of those things.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. He wanted me to become a cop

because to a man that's like being
president of the United States.

[audience laughs]

I didn't want to become a cop,
but he made me take the test.

I did well on the written part,

then they found out
I suffer from depression.

Like, "You can't be a cop
and have depression."

Which I thought was weird 'cause I'm like,
"I only want to kill myself."

-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

I don't know.

Let's have some depressed cops. [laughs]

It can't be any worse.

Look, if I was a cop
and somebody came at me with a gun,

I would just close my eyes, like,
"I hope this guy doesn't miss."

[audience laughs]

I don't think gender roles are
as calculated as everyone makes it seem.

I don't think back in the day it was like,
"Men do this, and women do this."

No. I think everybody went out to hunt,

and all the women came back with nothing.

[audience laughs]

[sighs and smacks lips]

[laughter continues]

The hunters were like,
"Why don't you just stay home?"

[audience laughs]

"And gather."

[audience laughs]

That's what they did.
They gathered in a circle

and talked about how much
they hate their husbands.

[audience laughs]

[man laughs]

I think the first woman to have an orgasm
was definitely by herself

when that happened.

[audience laughs]

She was like, "There's got to be a way
that this is enjoyable for me too."

-[audience laughs]
-[smacks lips]

One day, out in the field picking berries
she bent down, hit a twig the right way.

[audience laughs]

Just kept doing it over and over
and over again.

All the other women were like,
"What are you doing over there?"

She was like, "Drop the berries
and gather around." [laughs]

[audience laughs]

What an interesting time
to be a woman in this country now.

They keep telling us they're gonna
put Harriet Tubman on money.

We're like,
"Hey, can you just pay us the same?"

-[woman cheers]
-[audience laughs]

I don't know.

I'd rather more Andrew Jacksons
in my pocket than 30% less Tubmans.

[audience laughs]

Doesn't actually help me.

How long do you think it'll be
before guys just start drawing dicks?

On the money?

[audience chuckles]

You can't have a picture
of a woman anywhere publicly

without random dicks
just pointed to her face.

[audience laughs]

Ever see a woman on the side of a bus?

It's always a bukkake of cum everywhere.

[audience laughs]

This lady writes children's books.
[chuckles]

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

That is the reason why the Mona Lisa
is behind bulletproof glass.

[audience laughs]

Some college kid would be like,
"You know what would be really funny?"

Hmm…

"If the Mona Lisa was just sucking
a huge Black cock."

[audience laughs]

[smacks lips] On the other hand,
in this country

they are taking women's rights away.

You know, they overturned
Roe vs Wade over religion.

Like, "I don't know.
God killed his only Son,

so you should be allowed to kill yours."

-[crowd howls and laughs]
-[smacks lips]

Kind of seems like the most
Christian thing you could do.

[audience laughs]

Oh yeah. One lady was like,

"Jesus died for our sins."
I'm like, "Well, so did that baby."

[audience laughs and groans]

[scattered applause]

I did see some good signs, though,
at the protest.

One lady had a sign that said, "I had
an illegal abortion in Birmingham, Alabama

in 1969, and I will not have another one."

I was like, "You're seventy."

[audience laughs]

I don't even know why
you're out of the house.

[audience laughs]

You're gonna break your hip. [snorts]

Look, I understand if you are religious,
and you're like, "Abortion is murder."

I'm like, "It is.
Just mind your business."

[audience laughs]

People kill family members every day,
no one's marching outside their house.

[audience laughs]

[scattered laughter and applause]

Casey Anthony is on dating sites.

-[woman cheers]
-[audience laughs]

Unflagged.
You guys remember Casey Anthony?

She got away with killing her kid,
and now she's dating a guy with a kid.

[audience groans and laughs]

That would make me very self-conscious.

[audience laughs]

Like, "Wait a second. Do you like me
or do you need help with your kid?"

[audience howls and laughs]

[scattered applause]

[laughter continues]

She had a fucked up childhood.

I watched a documentary about her.
She talked about how her dad

used to sexually assault her before
she went to school, which is brutal.

I remember being in high school,
and how much I hated waking up for school.

I couldn't imagine
also having to blow my dad.

[audience groans and laughs]

What?

[laughter continues]

[groans]

[laughter continues]

[smacks lips]

"Oh my God."

[scattered laughter]

"I didn't even finish
my calculus homework."

"Why are we doing this right now?"
[chuckles]

"This is the worst possible time."

"Especially, because my afternoons
are wide open."

[audience laughs]

No, it's still bad,
but no one wants to wake up early.

[audience laughs]

[woman] Oh my God!

I was upset when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died.
Especially, as a white woman,

'cause she's like the last white lady
you could publicly like.

[audience laughs]

It's just, like, her
and the Statue of Liberty.

[audience laughs]

Pretty sure the Statue of Liberty
is transgender.

[audience laughs]

Her hands are fucking huge.

[laughter continues]

No, no.

[smacks lips]

[scattered laughter]

My godchild, he just came out
as transgender.

Me and his mom were talking.
She's very liberal and open-minded

and cool with it, and I was like,

"Do you think he is transgender,
do you think he's confused,

or is there a small chance he failed
every subject in school this year

and doesn't want
to get punished this summer?"

[audience laughs]

Oh, yeah. You can't punish
a transgender kid, not in this climate.

No way.

If a transgender person
murdered your whole family

and you were being interviewed
by the news, you'd have to be like,

"I feel so blessed…"

[audience laughs]

[scattered applause]

"…they would choose to murder my family."

[audience laughs]

"I'm just so happy
they can be who they are."

-[laughter continues]
-[man] Oh my…

Look, I think you should do
whatever you want

as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.
You want to get a dick, cut your dick off,

or cut your tits, do it.

I think the government should pay for it.

If we can pay for most of every war,

we can finance a couple of cocks.

[audience laughs and applauds]

[man cheers]

But it does make me think
there's got to be a lot of loose dicks

and tits in a landfill somewhere.

[audience laughs and groans]

We got to make sure
it doesn't get into the ocean.

[audience laughs]

Because then all of the turtles
are gonna choke on all of the cocks.

[laughter continues]

Imagine the PSAs for that?

[audience laughs]

[sighs deeply] "Hey, everybody,
please dispose your cocks properly."

"All of the turtles are dead."

[audience laughs]

"Except for that one gay turtle."

[laughter continues]

"Ahh…"

I don't know.

No.

[audience laughs and groans]

The media wants everyone to argue
over transgender issues.

What is the truth? Six percent
of the population is transgender,

and they are all in the eighth grade.

[audience laughs and howls]

No, it's because it's cool.

You know? And trendy. I get it.

If I was in the eighth grade,
I'd be so trans.

[audience laughs]

You know, but listen,
parents are worried for their…

It's like, "It's gonna be fine.
They're not all gonna make it."

[audience laughs]

Only a small percentage are gonna go pro.

[laughter continues]

Listen, if your kid's transgender
and you're upset about it as a parent,

what you need to do is also transition,
then they won't think it's cool anymore.

[audience laughs and groans]

I asked my friend

about gender reassignment surgery.
Like, "What will you do if they want it?"

She's like, "I'll always love my kid
no matter what they do,

but if they want permanent surgery,
they should wait 'til they're a bit older

and their brain is fully formed."
I'm like, "That's actually a very logical,

reasonable answer
that you cannot say out loud." [laughs]

[audience laughs]

Without being called transphobic.
[chuckles and smacks lips]

Yeah. Like, you can support trans people
and not every single thing they're doing.

Also, you should wait.

You know? Just think how much better
the dicks and pussies are gonna be…

[audience chuckles]

…ten years from now.

[chuckling continues]

Oh my God. You're not gonna want to get
caught dead with a 2023 pussy.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] "Oh my God,
it doesn't even have a clitoris."

[laughter continues]

Yeah. Do you remember how bad
Hyundai Elantras were ten years ago?

[audience laughs]

And now they're like really great cars.

[audience chuckles]

No. I do think transgender women
are very pretty though, you know?

That's the thing,
no matter how pretty your face is

and how nice your new pussy is

you're still gonna shit like a dude.

[audience laughs]

There's no surgery for that.

You'll be at work. They'll be like,
"Hey, Elaine, you shit eight times today."

[audience laughs]

"And most of it's on the wall."

[laughter continues]

No. [smacks lips]

I don't understand why transgender people
get very upset by the wrong pronoun.

I'm like, "You were born the wrong gender,
so obviously you get mistakes happen."

[audience laughs]

-[scattered applause]
-[man] Oh my God.

[laughter continues]

I do think it's gonna be okay, though.

And I know that 'cause my godchild,
born a boy, identifies as a girl.

And they're dating somebody
born a girl that identifies as a boy,

so they're just a straight couple.

[audience laughs]

[Adrienne snorts and smacks lips]

No. I do think it's been a couple of
hard years for everybody, you know?

I… I do think that white women
have had it the hardest.

[audience chuckles]

Oh my God, everybody hates us so much.

I'm like, "I don't know why,
we're being the most helpful."

[audience laughs]

Right? Any time we see a Black guy,

we're like, "Hey.
I'm gonna call the cops."

-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

Look, not all white women suck.
That's what I want to say.

It's usually the white women
that are wearing scarves in the summer,

just getting upset by jokes
that have nothing to do with them.

Like, why are you upset
about this joke about Mexicans?

Let Mexicans get upset about that.

Why are you trying to take that
from them also? [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

But I figured it out.

We just have way too many
white women right now

and it's because we don't have
any more serial killers.

[audience laughs]

They were keeping down
the white woman population.

Whether you want
to think about it like that or not.

Ted Bundy was a hero.

[audience laughs]

And how did we repay him?

Not well.

We locked him up
for doing the Lord's work.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. People don't know this,
Ted Bundy was a family guy.

He just wanted to hang out
with his kids and read to them,

and hold his wife's face
while they fucked, but…

[sighs]

…he couldn't.

He had to be out there every night
just killing white women…

[audience chuckles]

…so that Black people could be safe.

-[audience laughs]
-[smacks lips]

When you think like that,
it does make you think

that Martin Luther King was a lot of talk.

[audience laughs]

Now, obviously,
I think they're both great.

[audience laughs]

But you know, let's be honest.

MLK wasn't out there
killing white women… [laughs]

[audience laughs]

He was too busy fucking them.
[suppresses laugh]

[audience groans and laughs]

Could've choked some of them out
a little too hard.

It's kind of like he didn't care at all.

[audience laughs]

I guess what I'm trying to say is
Ted Bundy has done more for Black people…

[audience laughs]

…than Martin Luther King.

[audience laughs]

And he should also have a holiday.

[audience laughs, claps, and cheers]

Guys, thank you so much for coming out.

[moody hip-hop music plays]

[applause, whistles, and cheers]

[music continues]

Thank you.

♪ When the world burns ♪

♪ Blame it on the Dark Queen ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ They were trying to ♪

♪ Blame it on the Dark Queen ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ If you are what you think that you are
Then you probably are ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ Let 'em raise the bar ♪

♪ Let 'em take the fall
If they are what they are ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ Yo, what's a villain?
Look who got 'em in they feelings ♪

♪ Are you plotting while offended?
Let 'em cry if they don't get it ♪

♪ You think I invented riffs?
I embedded them ♪

♪ Diametrics you try and measure with
My endeavors are finely separate ♪

♪ From lying devils
That I won't level with ♪

♪ Let me do the honors
I'mma move how I move regardless ♪

♪ If you choose to go
Where you hated most ♪

-♪ Then you the problem ♪
-♪ You the problem ♪

♪ All these comics moving to Austin
Doing so awesome ♪

♪ True New Yorkers stay depressed
In a stupid apartment ♪

♪ I hear the oohs and ahhs
She's so rude, mute the applause ♪

♪ But y'all don't need to follow
This ain't even your movement at all ♪

♪ I don't care if it's too rough
Turn around, bitch, move on ♪

♪ Everybody know the mood's wrong
Even I be leavin' Jews home ♪

♪ Blame it on the Dark Queen ♪

[Adrienne] They exist,
but we don't wanna talk…

♪ Blame it on the Dark Queen ♪

[Adrienne] How do you know I'm not sent
from God as a test?

No, I get it, though. Somebody's got to…

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ When the world burns ♪

♪ Blame it on the Dark Queen ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ They were trying to ♪

♪ Blame it on the Dark Queen ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ If you are what you think that you are
Then you probably are ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

♪ Let 'em raise the bar ♪

♪ Let 'em take the fall
If they are what they are ♪

♪ Why they wanna blame it
On the Dark Queen? ♪

[Adrienne] Sometimes you just got to be
the change that you want to see.

You don't go in for that,
but you settle for it. [laughs]

People are like, "Why don't you move?"
"Where am I gonna bring this attitude to?"

[moody hip-hop music continues]

[music fades]