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(CROWD CHEERING)
4
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,725
( HOLLY HOLY by Neil Diamond
PLAYING)
5
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,395
NEIL DIAMOND:
* Sing, sing a song
6
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,733
* Sing a song of songs
7
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,737
* Sing it out
8
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,673
* Sing it strong
9
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,445
* Yeah
10
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,582
* Honey, yeah
11
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,723
* Call the sun
in the dead of the night
12
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:59,793
* And the sun's gonna rise
in the sky *
13
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:05,766
Neil Diamond,
Hot August Night, 1972.
14
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:08,602
That concert rocked.
And rolled.
15
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,938
I know, 'cause I was there.
16
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,840
(CROWD CHEERING)
17
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,578
(WATER SPLASHING)
That's me.
18
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,550
My water broke.
19
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:26,520
WAYNE:
Ever since then I've had this
cosmic connection with Neil.
20
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,556
But this story
isn't about Neil.
21
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:32,293
It's about me
and my two pals,
Darren and J.D.
22
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,662
Best friends
since fifth grade.
23
00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:38,966
That's J.D.
24
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:40,568
He's lactose intolerant.
25
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,035
(GAGGING)
26
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,571
(KIDS GROANING)
27
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,006
And he's not very bright.
28
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,209
Uh, that's Darren Silverman.
29
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,043
He's the romantic.
30
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,847
But when it comes to women,
he's incredibly gullible.
31
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:56,517
(EXCLAIMS)
32
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:57,851
(ALL LAUGHING)
33
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,190
WAYNE: That's me, Wayne.
34
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,625
I'm loyal to my friends.
35
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,527
If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat you up.
36
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:07,728
Me, too!
37
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:10,130
CHILDREN:
Ooh!
38
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,899
(GRUNTS)
Don't!
39
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,867
(ALL SHOUTING)
40
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,105
(SCREAMS)
41
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,574
WAYNE: After that,
I started working out.
42
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,743
We stayed best friends
throughout high school.
43
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:26,347
Yep, I was
the third-string quarterback.
44
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,781
(SQUAWKS)
45
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,683
J.D. became
the school mascot.
46
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,420
* Hey, what you say?
47
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,755
* I don't remember
that I hear you
48
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:38,526
* Yeah, yeah, you,
yeah, you, yeah, you,
yeah, you *
49
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,329
WAYNE: And Darren joined
the cheerleading squad.
50
00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,831
(CHEERING)
51
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:45,833
(DARREN WHOOPING)
52
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,368
Uh, that's Sandy.
53
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:50,304
Yeah, Darren's always
had a thing for her.
54
00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:52,573
CHEERLEADERS:
When you're up against
the Warbird,
55
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,344
you're upside down!
56
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,479
WAYNE:
Oh, that's Coach Norton.
57
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,715
He was a big
influence in our lives.
He taught us many things.
58
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:04,385
Two things you got
to remember, boys.
59
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:08,289
Number one,
stay away from women.
60
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:11,325
All they want from you
is your man juice.
61
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:16,930
Now, if you get any urges
that you can't suppress
with hard liquor,
62
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,098
use this.
63
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:20,934
WAYNE:
Oh, and number two?
64
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,937
Sportsmanship!
Sportsmanship!
65
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,307
(GRUNTING)
COACH:
Sportsmanship!
66
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,276
(GROANING)
67
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:31,245
Healy! You fairy
wimp fruit bag!
68
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,846
You suck!
69
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,218
Lefessier!
Get out there!
70
00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:41,355
I just gotta
get my helmet.
71
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:44,224
Hey, guys! Guys...
Guys, I'm in!
72
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,462
(BOTH WHOOPING)
He's in! Wayne!
73
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,030
Go, Wayne!
Go, Wayne!
74
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:52,900
(SHOUTS)
75
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,537
(SHOUTING)
76
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,638
Hike!
77
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,740
(GRUNTING)
78
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:05,946
Oh!
79
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,482
But now
we're all grown up.
80
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,685
(WHOOPING)
81
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:21,094
J.D. is rapidly working
his way up the ladder
at Subway.
82
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:27,601
Recently, he was promoted
to temporary second assistant
manager in charge of training.
83
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,337
Okay McNugent,
let's see what you got.
84
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:30,971
Sir.
85
00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,840
I've been working
with these guys
for eight weeks.
86
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,676
I'm proud to present to you
the future of Subway
sandwiches.
87
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:37,244
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Belston.
88
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,647
Three sizes of bevi are
small, medium and what?
89
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,714
Uh...
90
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,416
Big?
91
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,452
Come on, like we practiced.
You can do this.
92
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,354
L...
93
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,222
L...
94
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:50,991
L...
95
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,092
L...
96
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,293
Long!
97
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,663
Hmm. Okay, we'll come
back to you.
98
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,666
Sir, this guy's
my stinkiest student
by far.
99
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,401
Trimble,
let's see you sub.
100
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,072
No. No.
Meat on the inside.
Bread on the outside.
101
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,708
Okay, take it away.
102
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:08,909
Take it away.
Take it away.
103
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,411
J.D.: Take it away!
104
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,680
Uh, don't judge me
on those two guys.
105
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,748
This next guy is
my protégé.
106
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,016
He's top of his class,
107
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,885
and for his thesis,
he made a party sub.
108
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:20,954
Heston, where's
the party sub?
109
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,626
(BELCHES)
110
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:37,104
WAYNE:
Darren is the social director
at a retirement home.
111
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,606
"D-17."
112
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,673
Bingo.
113
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,443
Bingo.
114
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:46,647
Abe, pull your pants up
or no more Matlock.
115
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,282
Oh!
116
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,951
(HORN HONKS)
Yoo-hoo!
117
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,686
Good mornin'.
118
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,388
WAYNE:
And, uh, I started
my own business.
119
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,659
WAYNE: Okay, what are
we dealin' with here?
120
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,194
I don't know
what it is,
but it sounds big.
121
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,696
(TWITTERING)
122
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,732
WAYNE: Stay back.
I'm goin' in.
123
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,739
Careful, sonny.
124
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:20,414
Hey, so you're causin'
all this trouble, huh?
125
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,616
Come here. Hey there.
126
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,051
(TWITTERING)
Hello.
127
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:27,320
(COOING)
You poor little thing, yeah.
128
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,023
Here's your ferocious beast.
129
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,427
Who is your mommy?
130
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,863
(BOTH SCREAMING)
131
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,575
(YELPS)
132
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,146
Is it dead?
133
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:57,417
No, but she is
in one deep coon coma.
134
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,187
(SNARLING)
135
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,122
(SCREAMING)
136
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,630
Oh!
137
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:12,432
Don't! Don't!
Stop it!
138
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,369
WAYNE: But we all have
one mystical thing in common,
139
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,971
our love for Neil.
140
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,407
That's our band,
Diamonds in the Rough.
141
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:21,942
(SINGING CHERRY, CHERRY)
142
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,712
ALL: * Cherry, baby,
she got the way to groove me
143
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:34,187
* No, we won't tell a soul
where we gone to *
144
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,523
(LAUGHING)
145
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:39,326
* Girl, we do
whatever we want to
146
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:44,998
* Ah, I love the way
that you do me
147
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,103
* Cherry, babe,
you really get to me
148
00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,407
* She got the way
to move me, Cherry
149
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,844
BOTH:
* She got the way
to groove me
150
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,946
ALL: * She got the way
to move me
151
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:02,049
* Cherry, baby
* She got the way
to groove me *
152
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:03,717
(SHOUTS)
153
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,489
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
154
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,697
Hi.
Hi.
155
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,331
Hey, uh, I'm Darren.
156
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,100
Sophie.
157
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,302
I was wondering,
maybe do you want to
grab a drink with me?
158
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,538
I'm sorry, I'm involved.
159
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,007
With a real entertainer.
160
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:29,910
(LAUGHING)
161
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,686
I can't believe I got
blown off again.
162
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,588
I'm never gonna find
the right girl.
163
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:43,056
Dude, you don't want
a chick who would
fuck a mime.
164
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,760
Dude, what does a mime
look like when he's
having sex anyway?
165
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:51,131
It's probably like,
"Oh, oh, I'm a mime.
166
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,666
"I'm a mime."
167
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,602
Hey. Mimes don't talk.
168
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,840
They do when
they're off duty.
169
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,645
It's not her.
It's... It's all women.
170
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:08,649
I'm really afraid
that there's nobody
out there for me.
171
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:12,753
The only girl
I ever loved walked out
of my life years ago.
172
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:14,988
Sandy Perkus.
173
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,757
DARREN: Remember her?
174
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,926
Her family was
with the circus.
175
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,694
Her dad was the strong man.
176
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,830
Her mom was the bearded lady.
177
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,732
And her brother was
the dogfaced boy.
178
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,467
Bye, Darren!
179
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,336
DARREN: Before I could muster
the courage to ask her out,
she moved away.
180
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,438
Remember?
181
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,540
You know, guys,
I truly believe
182
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:37,645
that there is
a one-and-only
someone for everyone.
183
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,180
And Sandy.
184
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,414
Sandy Perkus...
185
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,585
Was my one and only.
186
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,255
Man, that is
really romantic.
187
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,925
Oh, my God!
Look at that juicy
piece of ass.
188
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,962
( BUTTERFLY by Crazy Town
PLAYING)
189
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,997
WAYNE:
What do you think of her?
190
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,666
Who?
Right there.
191
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:01,201
DARREN: In the red? Oh.
192
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,671
Yeah,
she's gorgeous.
Go talk to her.
193
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,873
No.
Okay, I'll do it
for you.
194
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,474
What? Hey, wait!
195
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,677
DARREN: Wayne!
196
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,111
Hi! I'm Wayne.
197
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,512
No!
198
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,115
No, you don't understand.
I'm not hittin' on ya.
199
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,717
Back off.
200
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,820
I just want
to tell you about
my buddy, Darren.
201
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:22,555
He's smart.
He's sensitive.
I don't care.
202
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,825
I think he'd make
a wonderful husband.
I don't want to meet him.
203
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,059
Great!
204
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,333
Dude, she wants you.
She thinks you're really cute.
Really?
205
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,837
Yeah, she's like, "I'm
so excited to meet him,"
and everything.
206
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,939
Are you sure?
207
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,408
Totally.
Get down there
and make your move.
208
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,376
Oh, I don't know.
209
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,878
WAYNE: Come on!
You can do it!
210
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,213
Carpe poon!
211
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,614
Really?
212
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,249
Okay.
213
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,384
Okay,
I'll do it.
214
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:52,452
WAYNE: All right!
215
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,454
Yes!
216
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,289
Yes.
217
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,293
Hi!
218
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,063
I'm Darren.
219
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,199
Darren. My, uh...
220
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:09,202
My friend said
you wanted to meet me.
221
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,503
He lied.
222
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:13,106
(CHUCKLING)
That's, uh,
that's a good one.
223
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,243
(CHUCKLES)
No, seriously,
I don't want to meet you.
224
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:26,686
Well, um, my friend
must have been mistaken.
225
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,390
I'm really sorry
to bother you.
226
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:31,658
Mmm-hmm.
227
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,265
Let me guess.
228
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:41,969
That jerk tried
to get in your pants with
some tacky pickup line.
229
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,304
I'm not like that.
I use magic.
230
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,806
(EXCLAIMS)
231
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,140
Beat it, baldy.
232
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,977
Okay, good stuff.
Tough crowd. I like that.
233
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:54,247
I have here
two ordinary metal rings.
234
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,083
You, me.
235
00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,388
Hello. Hello.
I "ruv" you.
236
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,557
Sorry. I forgot my beer.
237
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:08,395
This is my boyfriend, Darren,
so hit the bricks, porky.
238
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,998
Okay. Nice to meet you,
Darren.
239
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,065
Satan.
240
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,306
I'm really sorry
about hitting on you
before, I...
241
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,308
You should be.
I am. I am.
242
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:25,245
I just...
I wasn't thinking,
and, um...
243
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,815
You're so beautiful,
and I, um...
244
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,985
I'm sorry.
245
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,454
So make up for it.
Buy me a drink.
246
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,825
Yeah, okay.
I'll have a scotch.
247
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,692
Excuse me.
Can you give the lady
a scotch,
248
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,228
and I'll have
another beer.
249
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,130
Oh, he'll have
a gin and tonic.
Make that a gin and tonic.
250
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,564
WAITER:
You got it.
251
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,271
Can you believe
he hooked up with
the queen of all hotties?
252
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,074
Hey, they're just
havin' a drink together.
253
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:56,910
It's not like they're goin'
steady or anything.
254
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,145
Right.
255
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,283
DARREN: It's midnight.
Know what that means?
256
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,252
No. What?
257
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,087
It's our six-week
anniversary.
258
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,389
Oh.
259
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:10,657
Did you get me anything?
260
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,859
No.
261
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,928
That's okay.
That's okay.
No big deal.
262
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,564
But... I...
263
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,834
Got you a little something.
264
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,238
Thanks.
That's really nice.
265
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,280
You know,
I, I... I've been thinking.
266
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,248
(STAMMERING)
We've been...
267
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,951
Well, we've been together
for a while now,
268
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,088
and it seems like
maybe it's time
269
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,325
we get a little...
A little more intimate.
270
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,862
Are you saying
you want to have sex?
271
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,999
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
272
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,102
I don't believe in
premarital sex.
273
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,204
I'd rather not cheapen
what we have together.
274
00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:00,807
Of course.
Of course not.
Me neither.
275
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:03,043
So I think
it's best to wait.
I think you're right.
276
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,578
I think...
I mean, you're...
277
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,380
It's best. Yeah.
278
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:10,884
But that doesn't mean
that we can't
279
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,221
pleasure each other
in other ways.
280
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,962
I got ya!
281
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,030
Ho! I got ya!
282
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,265
Yeah, but... What?
283
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:29,369
(MOANS)
284
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,876
That was really great.
285
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,179
Thanks.
286
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,415
So, um...
287
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,783
That got me
pretty excited.
288
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,320
That's nice.
289
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,157
I mean, I... I wouldn't
mind if...
290
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,359
Someone did that
to me.
291
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,594
Oh, I get it.
You want me to
go down on you.
292
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,697
Yeah.
293
00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,000
Oh, God, I would
love to but I can't.
294
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,002
I have very, very
sensitive...
295
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,136
Gums.
296
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,404
Oh!
297
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,140
It's... You have gums?
It's, um...
298
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,875
It's a medical condition?
299
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,710
Mmm-hmm.
No, I wouldn't want to
300
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,479
cause you any pain,
baby, no.
301
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,482
You're so sweet.
302
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,422
You know, there are
other ways to...
303
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,191
Give me pleasure
without using your mouth.
304
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,695
Oh, God, I am
so inconsiderate.
I'm sorry.
305
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:32,032
(CHUCKLING) No, that's...
That's fine. That's fine.
306
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,338
Have fun.
307
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,278
Watch your head.
This place is a dump.
308
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,515
I really don't
want to do this.
309
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,184
No. No, come on.
It's gonna be great.
310
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:54,721
It's our Sunday ritual,
and I want you
to be part of it.
311
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,356
I want you to get
to know these guys.
312
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,925
You're gonna
love 'em, honey.
You're gonna love 'em.
313
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,330
Yeah! Buddy!
What's up, dude?
314
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,564
What's up, J.D.?
315
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,200
Judy,
awesome to meet you.
316
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,369
Judith.
317
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,737
Judith.
318
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,605
And a beer bong
for the lady?
319
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:13,773
Uh, no.
320
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,643
Totally cool.
No peer pressure.
321
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,881
(CHOKING)
322
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,551
Judith rules!
323
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,719
Sorry. Come on in.
324
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,488
Dude, Darren.
Check it out, chewy.
325
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,490
(GROANING)
Yo.
326
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,225
You want a drink?
Hey, man.
327
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,326
Um, scotch
on the rocks.
328
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,627
No problem,
you want ice
with that?
329
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,264
I'll help him.
I'll help you
with that.
330
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,967
Hey, Judith, can I
give you the grand tour?
Uh, sure.
331
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:44,137
Let's start right here
in the Hall O' Neil.
332
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:48,308
This is Neil, '74.
Uh, check this out.
333
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:52,412
This is a set list from
the millennium concert. Look.
334
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,515
Signed by Neil.
Got that on eBay.
335
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,384
Looks like a Xerox.
336
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:00,287
No. This cost
a lot of money.
337
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,622
Check this out.
I think you got taken.
338
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,258
Ready? This shirt... Phew!
339
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,959
Was worn by Neil...
340
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,561
( SWEET CAROLINE
by Neil Diamond
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
341
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,363
In concert.
342
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,799
Check it out.
We snuck backstage,
343
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,536
and totally stole it from him
while he was takin' a whiz.
344
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:19,572
Well, in my profession,
we call your obsession
with Neil Diamond
345
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,242
a delusional
projection fantasy.
346
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,776
Yeah, sure,
347
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,247
but he's America's
greatest songwriter,
and he's our hero.
348
00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:30,049
And he's playin'
the forum in two weeks.
Yeah.
349
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:32,519
Of course, we can't go
'cause of the whole,
you know,
350
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,821
restraining order thing.
351
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,556
(CROWD CHEERING)
352
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,931
Neil, I love you!
353
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,666
(SHOUTS)
Come here! You again!
354
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734
(GRUNTS)
355
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,868
(CROWD GASPS)
356
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,003
Neil! Neil! Neil!
357
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,905
Neil, hey!
Where ya goin'?
358
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:57,444
I wanna party with you!
I wanna party with you!
359
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,978
Right.
Game's on.
Game's on!
360
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:00,747
(BOTH SHOUTING)
361
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,518
What?
(WHISPERS)
I want to leave.
362
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,086
Sweetheart,
we just got here.
363
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,189
These guys are pigs.
364
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,591
Come on.
No, they're...they're
not that...
365
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,661
Hey. Hey!
What are you doin'?
366
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:18,965
Dude, if you get
the nachos stuck together,
that's one nacho.
367
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,768
Uh, okay, look,
why don't we just stay
for a little bit?
368
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,404
Just a little while, huh?
369
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,773
Oh, take mine.
Take mine. Take mine.
370
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,741
Give her the old
sweep-a-roo.
371
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:32,179
Yep, old Ethel.
We've been through
a lot of games together.
372
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:33,246
Enjoy.
373
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:35,782
Let me help you
with her.
374
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,817
She's got multiple
reclining positions.
375
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,152
That's okay.
I can just sit forward.
376
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,453
Nah, that's all right.
It's a little stuck.
377
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,389
No, no, it's fine.
Takes a little muscle.
378
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,791
(GROANING)
Come on,
you fuckin' piece of shit.
379
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:47,126
I don't need...
I prefer...
I got it. It's no trouble.
380
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:48,928
(SCREAMS)
381
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:50,230
(ALL CLAMORING)
382
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:53,233
I'm sorry.
That hardly ever happens.
383
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,735
(SOBBING)
J.D.: You know what?
I think it's... Yep.
384
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,104
It's the lug nut.
Fixed it.
385
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,706
Please, have a seat.
386
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:00,873
I'll stand.
387
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,109
I'm a...
388
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:06,613
Sorry.
389
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,548
Get me something.
Yeah.
390
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,483
(GASPS)
391
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,622
So Darren tells me
you're a psychologist?
392
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,890
That's right.
393
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,627
It's interesting.
I'm in a related field.
394
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:21,928
Really? What's that?
395
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,963
Pest and rodent removal.
396
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,932
How is that related?
397
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,901
We both help people.
398
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,571
While you help them
deal with their emotional
and intellectual needs,
399
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:35,542
I protect them from gophers,
coons, roaches, silverfish...
400
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,144
He launched it.
All right, touchdown!
401
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,112
(BOTH CHEERING)
402
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,283
(SCREAMING)
403
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,185
(TIRES SCREECHING)
404
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:53,793
I don't want you
to see Wayne or J.D.
ever again, Darren.
405
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,795
What? But they're
my best friends.
406
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,966
You're getting new friends,
and you're quitting
that bullshit band.
407
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,569
I know you're upset.
I... I do,
408
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,004
but I'm not dropping
Wayne and J.D.,
409
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:07,474
and I'm not quitting
the band.
410
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,742
Okay, fine,
no more sex.
411
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,378
What?
412
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,179
You're not allowed to
go down on me
for one month.
413
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,481
No, Judith, please...
414
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,717
Don't make me take away
your masturbation
privileges.
415
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,652
( CHERRY, CHERRY
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
416
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,658
* My baby is loving me,
yes, yes, she does
417
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,361
* Oh, she tells me
all the time, oh, Cherry
418
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,263
* All the time
419
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:31,931
* She says
she's going to be
showing me tonight
420
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,767
* Oh, Cherry, what are you
going to show me?
421
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,235
* Oh, baby
422
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:39,972
* You got
the way to be moving me,
oh, Cherry, baby *
423
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,574
You go, boys.
You sing this song.
424
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:42,875
You know it.
Come on, boys.
425
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,111
Come on! Sing it!
Sing it!
426
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,779
This blows, man!
427
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,650
Judith's out of control.
We gotta do somethin'.
428
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:53,653
Dude, besides
ruining the band,
what else has she done?
429
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,857
What? Ever since she
moved in with him,
she's controlled his life.
430
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:01,794
She didn't like how
his ass looked. Made him
get butt cheek implants.
431
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:04,764
(GROANS)
432
00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:09,135
I thought his ass
looked tighter.
433
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,538
Check this out.
Last night,
434
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,840
torched his
Neil Diamond albums.
435
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:15,975
She torched Neil?
436
00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:17,510
DARREN: Oh!
437
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,116
You're right.
The woman's a monster.
438
00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:25,618
BOTH: Two, three, four.
439
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,887
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba,
bop, bop
440
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,490
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba
bop, bop
441
00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:33,860
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba
bop, bop *
442
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:46,138
Hey!
Yes!
443
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:47,907
Hey, guys,
sorry I'm late.
444
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,542
It's all right.
445
00:21:49,609 --> 00:21:51,611
I only have a minute.
I have to get back
and wax Judith's legs.
446
00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:53,780
We miss you.
We never see you anymore.
447
00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:56,148
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, I am,
448
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,618
but I've just been so happy
spending time with Judith.
449
00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:02,321
You know? Plus,
with my relationship
counseling sessions...
450
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:04,290
Counseling?
Yeah, yeah.
451
00:22:04,357 --> 00:22:06,258
I go two hours,
three times a week.
452
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,094
Oh. Who's
your counselor?
453
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,496
Judith.
454
00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:11,964
Look. We don't think
she's right for you.
455
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:13,566
Break up with her.
456
00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:16,403
She's ruining our lives
and yours.
457
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,705
And this graph should
illustrate our point. Look.
458
00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:23,342
Before Judith,
our fun level was at
an all-time high, 93.
459
00:22:23,410 --> 00:22:25,277
It is now
an eight.
460
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,414
Band numbers
have plunged
dramatically as well.
461
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,116
Girls, never very high,
at nine,
462
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,552
but look now. Two.
463
00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:34,854
This has obviously led
to increased whacking off.
464
00:22:34,921 --> 00:22:36,188
I'm chafing.
465
00:22:36,255 --> 00:22:37,690
(BEEPING)
466
00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:39,659
Shit. I have to get home
and heat the wax.
467
00:22:39,726 --> 00:22:43,362
Uh, guys, listen.
Thanks for your concern.
468
00:22:43,430 --> 00:22:45,632
Really. And I miss you, too.
469
00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:48,300
But it was great seein' ya,
all right?
470
00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:57,544
That guy's in
serious trouble.
Yeah.
471
00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:59,378
We need to save him.
472
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:03,382
Sorry to bother ya.
473
00:23:03,450 --> 00:23:05,317
What are you doing here?
474
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,287
Uh, well, first,
we want to apologize
for the beer shower.
475
00:23:08,354 --> 00:23:10,322
And the salsa bath.
That was bad.
476
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:11,591
Get the hell out of here.
477
00:23:11,658 --> 00:23:13,793
Whoa. Wait.
Just give us a minute,
okay?
478
00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:15,828
My rate is $200 an hour.
479
00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,397
Do you have any money?
480
00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:20,366
I got some of that.
481
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,671
Just give me the big bills.
482
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:27,306
Six. Is that
all you have?
483
00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:29,008
37, 38.
484
00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:34,814
Two and a half minutes.
485
00:23:34,881 --> 00:23:38,250
Okay, look,
we don't want you seeing
Darren anymore.
486
00:23:38,317 --> 00:23:39,552
We don't think
you're right for him.
487
00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:40,853
The band needs him.
488
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,955
But we're prepared
to buy you off.
489
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:44,824
With what?
490
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:48,728
My house.
Okay? Look.
491
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,631
My grandma here?
492
00:23:51,698 --> 00:23:55,001
She was born in this house,
is buried in the backyard.
493
00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:58,671
There's my mom.
There's my dad,
and there's me.
494
00:23:59,706 --> 00:24:02,208
My dad was droppin' me
on my head.
495
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:05,444
But we're willing
496
00:24:05,512 --> 00:24:07,446
to sign this
over to you,
497
00:24:07,514 --> 00:24:10,149
if you just agree
not to see Darren.
498
00:24:10,216 --> 00:24:12,885
I don't want
your shitty old house
or your dead grandmother.
499
00:24:13,653 --> 00:24:15,054
I'll throw J.D. in.
500
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,557
He doesn't look
like much, but he's
hung like a horse.
501
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:19,592
It's true.
502
00:24:19,659 --> 00:24:22,962
Look, Darren's mine.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
503
00:24:23,029 --> 00:24:24,997
I own him.
He does whatever I say.
504
00:24:25,064 --> 00:24:26,833
I'm in complete
control of him.
505
00:24:26,899 --> 00:24:29,869
He's my puppet,
and I'm his puppet master.
506
00:24:29,936 --> 00:24:31,804
You're not takin'
Darren away from us!
507
00:24:31,871 --> 00:24:33,339
Just try to stop me.
508
00:24:35,374 --> 00:24:37,476
One round.
Winner takes Darren.
509
00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:38,778
You're on.
Kick her ass.
510
00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:39,846
Go.
511
00:24:40,847 --> 00:24:42,715
You've got quite a grip.
512
00:24:42,782 --> 00:24:44,383
You must be
a heavy masturbator.
513
00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:47,186
My guess is...
Three times a day?
514
00:24:47,253 --> 00:24:49,321
I bet you're also
a premature ejaculator.
515
00:24:49,388 --> 00:24:51,057
Start off
with a big bang.
516
00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:52,959
Before you know it,
you're limp.
517
00:24:53,025 --> 00:24:54,226
(ALARM BEEPING)
518
00:24:54,293 --> 00:24:55,862
Hey!
I win. You lose.
Now get out.
519
00:24:56,696 --> 00:24:57,764
God!
520
00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:58,898
God!
521
00:25:07,574 --> 00:25:09,175
Hey, check it out.
522
00:25:11,611 --> 00:25:13,880
Hey, baby.
523
00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:16,115
Hello, ladies.
524
00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:17,483
(CHUCKLES)
525
00:25:17,550 --> 00:25:19,218
So, uh, how much?
526
00:25:19,285 --> 00:25:22,822
50 bucks for you
and 200 for your friend.
527
00:25:24,991 --> 00:25:26,793
Okay.
All right.
528
00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:28,761
I want you to be laughin'
like he just said somethin'...
529
00:25:28,828 --> 00:25:30,229
(LAUGHING)
530
00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:31,598
(I LIKE TO MOVE IT
by Reel 2 Real
PLAYING ON STEREO)
531
00:25:31,664 --> 00:25:32,765
Perfect!
532
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,602
Get this one! Be like this!
533
00:25:35,668 --> 00:25:37,036
Like this! Like this!
534
00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:38,504
Douche! Douche!
535
00:25:38,571 --> 00:25:39,939
Yeah you... Slap his ass!
536
00:25:43,342 --> 00:25:44,543
That's not sexy.
537
00:25:49,248 --> 00:25:50,282
Yeah! Awesome!
538
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:55,554
Dude, watch it!
539
00:25:58,591 --> 00:26:00,092
You're movin my guy.
540
00:26:05,031 --> 00:26:06,833
Oh.
541
00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,067
Look it. Look it.
542
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:14,741
J.D.: Good.
543
00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:19,245
WAYNE:
Ah, dude. Check this out.
544
00:26:20,747 --> 00:26:21,981
J.D.: Hurry up. Let's go.
WAYNE: Okay.
545
00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:24,083
Okay, mailed.
Check. Let's go.
546
00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:26,085
Don't look back!
547
00:26:26,753 --> 00:26:27,854
Hurry up! Come on!
548
00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:30,790
Hey, Judith.
How's it goin'?
549
00:26:30,857 --> 00:26:33,492
Not so good.
Look at these.
550
00:26:37,463 --> 00:26:39,331
Oh, my God.
Oh!
551
00:26:40,767 --> 00:26:43,636
He's sick.
He's perverted.
552
00:26:43,703 --> 00:26:44,937
And he's cheatin'
on you.
553
00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:46,639
With two chicks.
554
00:26:46,706 --> 00:26:49,075
I don't know.
I guess I'd dump him?
555
00:26:49,141 --> 00:26:50,242
Oh, totally.
556
00:26:50,309 --> 00:26:51,778
Right?
Yeah!
557
00:26:51,844 --> 00:26:55,581
Do you guys think
there's anything weird
about these photos, though?
558
00:26:55,648 --> 00:26:58,217
Mmm, no.
No, that's Darren,
all right.
559
00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:00,653
Hey!
560
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,855
Darren doesn't
have a tattoo.
561
00:27:05,591 --> 00:27:06,959
Nice try, idiots.
562
00:27:07,026 --> 00:27:09,829
If I ever see either one
of you near Darren again,
563
00:27:09,896 --> 00:27:11,163
I'll kill you.
564
00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:19,806
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
565
00:27:20,773 --> 00:27:21,874
Hey, hey.
566
00:27:21,941 --> 00:27:23,109
Hey!
Hey.
567
00:27:23,175 --> 00:27:24,643
Thanks for meeting me here.
568
00:27:24,711 --> 00:27:27,513
I have something really
important to tell you guys.
569
00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:29,682
Aw, man,
you broke up.
570
00:27:29,749 --> 00:27:34,020
No, no, no, no.
Out of the blue,
571
00:27:34,086 --> 00:27:36,555
Judith proposed to me.
We're engaged.
572
00:27:36,622 --> 00:27:38,624
What?
Dude, congratulations.
573
00:27:38,691 --> 00:27:40,392
(FOOT STOMPS)
Ow!
574
00:27:40,459 --> 00:27:43,996
Yeah, yeah, starting
next week, I'll be known
as Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.
575
00:27:44,063 --> 00:27:46,632
Oh, right, 'cause you're gonna
take her last name, huh?
576
00:27:46,699 --> 00:27:48,467
Yeah.
Wow.
577
00:27:48,534 --> 00:27:52,571
Judith feels,
and I think she's got
a really good point here,
578
00:27:52,638 --> 00:27:55,742
that it's sexist
for the woman to take
the man's last name.
579
00:27:55,808 --> 00:27:58,377
Huh.
Yeah, and anyway,
it's too late
580
00:27:58,444 --> 00:28:01,347
to make any changes
because we've already ordered
the monogrammed towels.
581
00:28:01,413 --> 00:28:02,749
Right.
Yeah.
582
00:28:02,815 --> 00:28:04,350
Darren.
583
00:28:04,416 --> 00:28:07,453
Sandy? Sandy Perkus.
584
00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:09,521
Oh, my God. Darren!
Wow! Hey!
585
00:28:09,588 --> 00:28:12,358
It's been so long.
Yes, it has.
586
00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,794
Hey, it's Wayne.
587
00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:17,463
High school, remember?
You remember?
588
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,298
* You can dance
if you want to
589
00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:21,467
* You can leave
your friends behind
590
00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:23,702
* Because if your friends
don't dance and if
they don't dance *
591
00:28:23,770 --> 00:28:27,539
Oh, right,
the senior talent show.
592
00:28:27,606 --> 00:28:30,810
Yeah, you were booed
off the stage.
593
00:28:31,744 --> 00:28:32,912
That was me.
594
00:28:32,979 --> 00:28:36,382
Yep, Sandy, remember me,
J.D. McNugent?
595
00:28:36,448 --> 00:28:41,553
I was the guy who went
to the prom with the tuxedo
painted on my naked body.
596
00:28:41,620 --> 00:28:44,056
Oh, I... I guess I missed it.
597
00:28:44,123 --> 00:28:48,828
I spilled a drink, and
the paint ran, and everyone
could see my dong.
598
00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:51,430
It doesn't ring a bell.
599
00:28:51,497 --> 00:28:54,867
Oh, oh, oh!
Remember that time
in science class,
600
00:28:54,934 --> 00:28:58,604
I was lighting farts
with a Bunsen burner,
and I singed my ball sack?
601
00:28:59,138 --> 00:29:01,740
Oh. No.
602
00:29:01,808 --> 00:29:05,011
Man. I still can't
grow hair on my left nut.
603
00:29:05,812 --> 00:29:07,079
It sucks.
604
00:29:08,781 --> 00:29:10,249
So how are ya?
605
00:29:10,316 --> 00:29:13,685
Oh! Great. Great.
I...I just moved back to town.
606
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,587
Oh, wow, that's great.
607
00:29:15,654 --> 00:29:18,757
WOMAN: Sandy!
Oh, gosh,
I have to go, but...
608
00:29:18,825 --> 00:29:20,426
It was... It was great
seeing you.
609
00:29:20,492 --> 00:29:22,561
Yeah, same here.
Me, too.
610
00:29:24,163 --> 00:29:25,431
Bye.
Bye.
611
00:29:25,497 --> 00:29:27,699
Take care.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
612
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:30,602
Awesome.
Yeah, bye! Bye.
613
00:29:31,537 --> 00:29:32,939
Wow.
614
00:29:33,005 --> 00:29:35,574
Oh, my God!
This is it!
615
00:29:35,641 --> 00:29:37,576
What?
616
00:29:37,643 --> 00:29:41,147
It's your big chance.
Sandy Perkus has just
walked back into your life.
617
00:29:41,213 --> 00:29:44,250
You even said so yourself.
She was your
one-and-only someone!
618
00:29:44,316 --> 00:29:45,651
She used to be.
619
00:29:45,717 --> 00:29:48,054
Now Judith is
my one-and-only someone.
620
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,823
Okay, I'll... I'll talk
to you guys later, okay?
621
00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:54,626
Isn't one-and-only
like one...
622
00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:57,296
And only?
623
00:29:57,897 --> 00:29:59,331
(PIANO PLAYING)
624
00:29:59,398 --> 00:30:01,467
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
625
00:30:04,871 --> 00:30:07,439
Here's your drink.
Where's the lemon wedge?
626
00:30:07,506 --> 00:30:10,309
Sorry. We were out of lemons,
but I could run to the store.
627
00:30:10,376 --> 00:30:13,745
Forget it.
I want you to meet
two exciting people.
628
00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:16,748
Brett is a tax attorney,
and Clayton's a CPA.
629
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:19,751
Wow. That... That is...
That is exciting.
630
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,587
This is my fiancé,
Darren.
631
00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:22,889
Pleased to
meet you.
Same here.
632
00:30:22,955 --> 00:30:24,790
Congratulations.
Thank you.
633
00:30:24,857 --> 00:30:27,326
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, excuse me.
I'll get that.
634
00:30:31,130 --> 00:30:32,198
Hi.
635
00:30:32,264 --> 00:30:34,400
Hi. Is, uh,
Darren here?
636
00:30:34,466 --> 00:30:36,936
I think he left
his Vespa helmet.
637
00:30:37,003 --> 00:30:38,337
What's goin' on?
638
00:30:38,404 --> 00:30:40,006
We're having
our engagement party.
639
00:30:40,072 --> 00:30:45,377
Oh, then I guess
our invitations must have
been lost in the mail.
640
00:30:45,444 --> 00:30:48,647
No, I think it's very
possible, Wayne,
641
00:30:48,714 --> 00:30:50,983
that she didn't even
send us invitations.
642
00:30:52,818 --> 00:30:54,020
Thanks for stopping by.
643
00:30:54,086 --> 00:30:55,754
Who's Darren
talkin' to?
644
00:30:55,821 --> 00:30:57,289
Those are his
new friends.
645
00:30:59,791 --> 00:31:01,193
Oh, hey, guys.
646
00:31:01,260 --> 00:31:03,695
Oh, good.
I'll have a merlot.
I'll have a spritzer.
647
00:31:03,762 --> 00:31:05,597
We don't work here.
648
00:31:05,664 --> 00:31:08,700
Fooled me.
Okay, my name is Brett,
and this is Clayton.
649
00:31:08,767 --> 00:31:09,868
And this is Darren.
650
00:31:09,936 --> 00:31:12,804
Yeah, we know
who he is, Clayton.
651
00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,174
Darren's our friend, Brett.
652
00:31:15,241 --> 00:31:18,544
We knew him first.
Fuck you,
replacement friend!
653
00:31:18,610 --> 00:31:20,312
Eat this,
fake Wayne!
654
00:31:21,813 --> 00:31:24,683
(MEN CLAMORING)
655
00:31:24,750 --> 00:31:25,784
(YELLING)
656
00:31:27,553 --> 00:31:28,720
(SHRIEKS)
657
00:31:29,821 --> 00:31:31,223
(ALL SHOUTING)
658
00:31:33,792 --> 00:31:34,793
Get out of here!
659
00:31:35,761 --> 00:31:37,163
MEN: Get out!
660
00:31:42,068 --> 00:31:43,569
Hey! This isn't over yet!
661
00:31:43,635 --> 00:31:46,705
We're not givin' up
on Darren!
Yeah!
662
00:31:46,772 --> 00:31:48,807
Come on! Yeah, ha!
663
00:31:53,712 --> 00:31:56,015
WAYNE: She thinks
this game is over.
664
00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:58,117
It's not over! No!
665
00:31:58,184 --> 00:32:00,419
We are taking
this into overtime!
666
00:32:00,486 --> 00:32:02,388
Come on! Yeah, ha!
667
00:32:02,454 --> 00:32:04,856
Yeah! Okay,
strategy session.
668
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:06,758
Okay, our enemy is wicked.
669
00:32:06,825 --> 00:32:08,260
Dude, she's
Freddy Krueger.
670
00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:10,329
Damien.
Dude, she's Vader.
671
00:32:10,396 --> 00:32:12,231
No! She's the Emperor!
672
00:32:12,298 --> 00:32:13,966
Yeah, but with
really great tits.
673
00:32:14,033 --> 00:32:16,635
Okay, now, Sandy,
that girl,
she's a nice girl.
674
00:32:16,702 --> 00:32:17,736
Oh, yeah.
675
00:32:17,803 --> 00:32:19,538
She's a sweetheart.
Dude, a saint.
676
00:32:19,605 --> 00:32:21,140
She's a goddess.
A princess.
677
00:32:21,207 --> 00:32:23,909
Know what,
she's kind of like
Mother Teresa.
678
00:32:23,976 --> 00:32:25,944
Yeah, but with
way better tits.
679
00:32:26,012 --> 00:32:30,316
And Darren loves Sandy,
no matter what he says.
Definitely.
680
00:32:30,382 --> 00:32:32,418
That is why
we have to intervene...
Yep.
681
00:32:32,484 --> 00:32:34,353
And fix the problem!
Definitely!
682
00:32:34,420 --> 00:32:36,522
All right! Yeah!
683
00:32:36,588 --> 00:32:39,491
We're gonna kidnap Judith
and set Darren up with Sandy.
684
00:32:39,558 --> 00:32:41,127
Yeah!
685
00:32:42,995 --> 00:32:44,096
What?
686
00:32:48,534 --> 00:32:49,701
(STATIC CRACKLING)
687
00:32:49,768 --> 00:32:52,438
(IMITATES STATIC)
The bat is leaving the cave.
688
00:32:53,205 --> 00:32:55,107
Roger that.
689
00:33:04,716 --> 00:33:05,817
Gaw...
690
00:33:06,452 --> 00:33:07,486
Uh?
691
00:33:11,757 --> 00:33:15,394
WAYNE ON RADIO:
Alarm system has been
deactivated. Out.
692
00:33:15,461 --> 00:33:18,297
(IMITATES STATIC)
Roger that.
693
00:33:18,364 --> 00:33:19,731
Dude, you don't
have to do the...
694
00:33:19,798 --> 00:33:20,832
(IMITATES STATIC)
Sound.
695
00:33:20,899 --> 00:33:22,901
It already does that. Out.
696
00:33:22,968 --> 00:33:25,471
Copy that.
I'm not gonna make the
(IMITATES STATIC)
697
00:33:25,537 --> 00:33:27,539
sound after I say stuff
from now on.
698
00:33:29,441 --> 00:33:31,810
J.D. McNugent,
over and out.
699
00:33:31,877 --> 00:33:33,145
(IMITATES STATIC)
700
00:33:33,212 --> 00:33:34,913
That was the last one.
701
00:33:45,957 --> 00:33:47,859
(WHISPERING)
I'm scared.
What if we get caught?
702
00:33:47,926 --> 00:33:49,095
(WHISPERING)
Not gonna happen.
703
00:33:55,134 --> 00:33:57,336
I'm hungry.
704
00:33:57,403 --> 00:33:58,870
We'll eat later.
705
00:33:58,937 --> 00:34:00,772
Could we go
to Happy Burger?
706
00:34:00,839 --> 00:34:02,908
Yes, after
the kidnapping.
707
00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:05,711
I'm gonna get
a Chubby Checker with...
Shh!
708
00:34:07,179 --> 00:34:08,580
With cheese.
709
00:34:18,357 --> 00:34:19,625
(CAWS)
710
00:34:25,531 --> 00:34:26,632
What?
711
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,143
You go downstairs.
I'll check upstairs.
712
00:34:37,209 --> 00:34:39,411
Do the Navy SEALs signals.
Come on.
713
00:34:39,478 --> 00:34:42,614
I only know
the Air Force signals.
714
00:34:42,681 --> 00:34:45,584
J.D.: I'm gonna
be on lookout.
Shh! God.
715
00:34:54,260 --> 00:34:56,195
WAYNE:
I haven't located her yet.
716
00:34:56,262 --> 00:34:57,596
Me neither.
717
00:34:57,663 --> 00:34:59,298
Keep checking.
718
00:34:59,365 --> 00:35:03,269
Wait a second,
I think I see something
in the back of the refrig...
719
00:35:04,303 --> 00:35:06,338
In the back
of the closet.
720
00:35:06,405 --> 00:35:08,073
Check it out.
721
00:35:08,140 --> 00:35:10,476
Nope. Coast is clear.
722
00:35:10,542 --> 00:35:12,511
I'm gonna keep lookin'
down here, buddy.
723
00:35:12,578 --> 00:35:14,613
You keep an eye
peeled up there.
724
00:35:16,215 --> 00:35:17,749
(DOOR CREAKS)
725
00:35:26,158 --> 00:35:28,026
(FLOOR CREAKS)
726
00:35:28,093 --> 00:35:29,628
(GASPS)
727
00:35:29,695 --> 00:35:30,696
(GRUNTS)
728
00:35:30,762 --> 00:35:33,332
Ow! Oh, shit!
729
00:35:33,399 --> 00:35:35,301
(WAYNE SHOUTING ON RADIO)
730
00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:36,535
What is it?
731
00:35:36,602 --> 00:35:38,804
I'm hit.
I need backup.
732
00:35:39,905 --> 00:35:41,240
I'm comin'.
733
00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:45,511
What happened?
734
00:35:45,577 --> 00:35:46,945
(EXCLAIMS)
735
00:35:47,012 --> 00:35:48,414
(WHIMPERS)
736
00:35:56,855 --> 00:35:58,690
(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY)
737
00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:05,497
(SHOUTS)
738
00:36:05,564 --> 00:36:06,798
(LAUGHING)
739
00:36:06,865 --> 00:36:08,367
(SCREAMING)
740
00:36:10,436 --> 00:36:11,503
Ow!
741
00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:14,306
Help!
742
00:36:16,275 --> 00:36:18,310
(GROANING)
743
00:36:29,921 --> 00:36:31,790
Dead... Leg.
744
00:36:33,292 --> 00:36:34,393
(GROANS)
745
00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:36,194
Help me, Wayne!
746
00:36:41,467 --> 00:36:42,468
(SHOUTS)
747
00:36:43,235 --> 00:36:44,436
Oh, my God!
748
00:36:46,438 --> 00:36:48,574
(SCREAMS)
749
00:36:58,149 --> 00:37:00,786
(GROANING)
Get the door.
Get the door.
750
00:37:00,852 --> 00:37:02,754
(GRUNTING)
751
00:37:23,909 --> 00:37:25,110
DARREN:
Judith?
752
00:37:28,347 --> 00:37:29,415
Judith?
753
00:37:31,917 --> 00:37:34,786
DARREN:
"Darren, I'm leaving you.
We're finished. Done.
754
00:37:34,853 --> 00:37:37,255
"Don't call, write,
e-mail or fax.
755
00:37:37,323 --> 00:37:40,091
"I never want to see your face
or your fake butt again."
756
00:37:45,063 --> 00:37:47,366
(DOGS BARKING)
757
00:37:51,737 --> 00:37:53,004
(GASPS)
758
00:38:02,314 --> 00:38:03,549
(GASPS)
759
00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:13,459
Okay, get down there.
760
00:38:13,525 --> 00:38:15,727
Dude, wait. Why me?
761
00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:18,063
Because you're in charge
of guarding Judith.
762
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:19,665
I'm dealing
with Darren and Sandy.
763
00:38:19,731 --> 00:38:21,232
But when we let her go,
764
00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:22,801
she'll be able
to identify me.
765
00:38:22,868 --> 00:38:26,905
No, she, uh, won't be able to,
'cause you'll be wearing this.
766
00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:28,574
But after we let
Judith go,
767
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,009
the cops will be looking for
a guy dressed in a bird suit.
768
00:38:31,076 --> 00:38:33,445
So?
So what am I
gonna wear to work?
769
00:38:33,512 --> 00:38:34,946
Your work clothes.
770
00:38:35,013 --> 00:38:36,982
But tomorrow's
casual Friday.
771
00:38:37,583 --> 00:38:39,250
Get downstairs!
772
00:38:46,592 --> 00:38:47,993
Who the hell are you?
773
00:38:55,801 --> 00:38:56,902
(DOOR LOCKS)
774
00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:04,910
Hi.
Hey, Sandy!
775
00:39:04,976 --> 00:39:08,013
Hi.
Hi, yeah.
776
00:39:08,079 --> 00:39:10,616
Thanks for meeting me.
I know I just called you
out of the blue.
777
00:39:10,682 --> 00:39:12,183
That's okay.
778
00:39:12,250 --> 00:39:14,386
I love
catching up with old
high school friends.
779
00:39:14,453 --> 00:39:16,187
Yeah.
Are you single?
780
00:39:16,254 --> 00:39:17,789
Yes.
781
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:21,560
Great. Look, I wanted
to talk to you about
Darren Silverman.
782
00:39:21,627 --> 00:39:23,228
He's a really
good guy.
Ah.
783
00:39:23,294 --> 00:39:26,331
You know what?
He works with
the elderly.
784
00:39:26,398 --> 00:39:27,899
Really!
Yeah.
785
00:39:27,966 --> 00:39:29,300
That is so sweet.
786
00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:31,202
You know, he still
talks about you
all the time.
787
00:39:31,269 --> 00:39:32,971
Oh, Wayne,
there's something
I need to...
788
00:39:33,038 --> 00:39:34,873
He even writes
poems about you.
789
00:39:34,940 --> 00:39:38,444
In fact, I think
he loves you.
790
00:39:38,510 --> 00:39:40,946
Wayne, I'm going
to become a nun.
791
00:39:41,012 --> 00:39:42,147
Huh?
792
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:43,281
Yeah.
793
00:39:43,348 --> 00:39:45,517
In a week
I take my final vows.
794
00:39:45,584 --> 00:39:49,120
I didn't even know
that you were religious.
795
00:39:49,187 --> 00:39:51,122
Oh, well, I wasn't
in high school.
796
00:39:51,189 --> 00:39:54,793
But after I graduated,
I went and I joined
my parents in the circus.
797
00:39:54,860 --> 00:39:56,762
And I became
a trapeze artist.
798
00:39:56,828 --> 00:39:58,430
(CHEERING)
799
00:39:58,497 --> 00:40:01,399
SANDY:
I fell in love with
my partner, Luigi Panini.
800
00:40:01,467 --> 00:40:05,537
MAN ON P.A.:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the fabulous Luigi!
801
00:40:05,604 --> 00:40:08,540
Everything was perfect,
until...
802
00:40:08,607 --> 00:40:10,909
Well, there were these
talent scouts in the audience.
803
00:40:10,976 --> 00:40:13,378
Luigi wanted
to impress them.
804
00:40:13,445 --> 00:40:15,213
He was a great
trapeze artist,
805
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,282
but he was
completely vain.
806
00:40:17,348 --> 00:40:19,818
MAN ON PA:
And now Luigi will attempt
the most dangerous stunt
807
00:40:19,885 --> 00:40:21,787
in the history of trapeze,
808
00:40:21,853 --> 00:40:23,689
the Quadruple Bierman.
809
00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:25,390
(CROWD GASPING)
810
00:40:28,393 --> 00:40:29,761
(GASPING)
811
00:40:33,064 --> 00:40:34,700
(CHEERING)
812
00:40:39,505 --> 00:40:41,239
Luigi!
813
00:40:41,306 --> 00:40:42,474
(ALL GASPING)
814
00:40:42,541 --> 00:40:43,542
(LUIGI THUDS)
815
00:40:44,409 --> 00:40:45,611
Wow.
816
00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:47,045
Yeah.
817
00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:51,116
After Luigi died,
I knew I would never
love again.
818
00:40:51,182 --> 00:40:55,954
That's when I decided to
devote my life to serving
the Lord and helping others.
819
00:40:56,021 --> 00:41:00,125
So you haven't taken
your final vows yet,
right?
820
00:41:00,191 --> 00:41:01,359
Right.
821
00:41:01,426 --> 00:41:05,230
So, technically,
you're not a nun yet.
822
00:41:05,296 --> 00:41:07,966
Well, no.
I mean, not yet.
823
00:41:08,033 --> 00:41:10,969
So why not just have
lunch with Darren?
824
00:41:13,038 --> 00:41:15,574
I just can't figure out
why Judith left.
825
00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:17,375
It doesn't make
any sense.
826
00:41:17,442 --> 00:41:19,244
She didn't even
take her clothes.
827
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,613
Maybe she went someplace
where she didn't need clothes,
828
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,048
like a nudist colony.
829
00:41:23,114 --> 00:41:25,951
I don't think so.
Maybe she got kidnapped.
830
00:41:26,017 --> 00:41:27,252
You think?
831
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,387
No, no. Definitely not.
832
00:41:29,454 --> 00:41:31,289
That's impossible.
That's like...
833
00:41:31,356 --> 00:41:33,992
Why would that happen
in a world?
834
00:41:34,059 --> 00:41:35,326
Maybe she's a lesbo.
835
00:41:37,462 --> 00:41:38,730
Maybe she's a herm.
836
00:41:40,632 --> 00:41:44,335
Yeah, hermaphrodite.
Little dick, little puss.
(CHUCKLING)
What?
837
00:41:46,538 --> 00:41:48,707
Hey!
838
00:41:48,774 --> 00:41:50,676
Guess who
I bumped into today?
839
00:41:50,742 --> 00:41:54,780
Who?
Sandy Perkus, and
she wants to see you.
840
00:41:54,846 --> 00:41:56,715
I'm engaged
to Judith, Wayne.
841
00:41:56,782 --> 00:41:58,349
She dumped you, dude.
842
00:41:58,416 --> 00:42:01,452
Just have lunch
with Sandy.
What's it gonna hurt?
843
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,355
No way.
Judith's coming back.
844
00:42:04,422 --> 00:42:05,991
Yeah,
what if she doesn't?
845
00:42:06,057 --> 00:42:09,294
As long as Judith's alive,
I'll never give up on her.
846
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,729
Okay? Okay?
847
00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,870
J.D.:
I got it. Crowbar me.
848
00:42:20,205 --> 00:42:22,473
(WOOD SPLINTERING)
849
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,509
Oh, my God.
What is it?
850
00:42:24,576 --> 00:42:26,411
This dead chick
is really stacked.
851
00:42:29,147 --> 00:42:31,049
(GRUNTING)
852
00:42:32,417 --> 00:42:35,053
Okay, go, go, go.
853
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,488
What are you doin'?
Jacket's caught.
854
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:38,990
Well, take it off.
855
00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,826
I love this jacket!
856
00:42:41,326 --> 00:42:42,493
Lose it!
857
00:42:46,031 --> 00:42:48,466
(SHOUTING)
Oh, why, why, why?
858
00:42:59,277 --> 00:43:02,681
Damn. That was
my favorite jacket.
859
00:43:07,318 --> 00:43:10,421
A bizarre incident last night.
Local resident,
Judith Fessbeggler,
860
00:43:10,488 --> 00:43:13,224
was incinerated beyond
recognition when her BMW
861
00:43:13,291 --> 00:43:15,593
careened off a cliff
into a rocky gorge.
862
00:43:15,661 --> 00:43:17,395
Investigators have
declared it an accident,
863
00:43:17,462 --> 00:43:19,597
and no foul play
is suspected.
864
00:43:20,498 --> 00:43:22,267
(SOBBING)
865
00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:25,671
And in unrelated news,
the body of deceased
local resident Joan Snerd
866
00:43:25,737 --> 00:43:28,006
was dug up in an apparent
grave robbing last night.
867
00:43:28,073 --> 00:43:30,375
Police have arrested
three Cuban nationals.
868
00:43:30,441 --> 00:43:32,277
(SOBBING)
869
00:43:41,653 --> 00:43:43,054
Why are you doin' this?
870
00:43:43,121 --> 00:43:45,590
So you can eat
and have somethin'
to wear.
871
00:43:45,657 --> 00:43:47,793
No, why did you kidnap me?
872
00:43:47,859 --> 00:43:49,227
I'm not supposed to tell ya.
873
00:43:49,294 --> 00:43:52,497
Oh, I get it.
The other guy is the boss.
874
00:43:54,232 --> 00:43:56,434
No, I make decisions, too.
875
00:43:57,435 --> 00:43:59,604
I suggested that.
876
00:43:59,671 --> 00:44:01,206
JUDITH: An outhouse. Clever.
877
00:44:01,272 --> 00:44:02,340
Thanks.
878
00:44:02,407 --> 00:44:04,109
You must be very
well-educated.
879
00:44:04,175 --> 00:44:05,210
I suppose.
880
00:44:05,276 --> 00:44:06,344
Ivy league?
881
00:44:06,411 --> 00:44:07,478
More or less.
882
00:44:07,545 --> 00:44:09,647
Oh, which one?
Yale, Harvard, Princeton?
883
00:44:09,715 --> 00:44:10,782
SU.
884
00:44:10,849 --> 00:44:12,550
Oh, Stanford University?
885
00:44:14,552 --> 00:44:16,688
Subway University.
886
00:44:16,755 --> 00:44:19,224
Oh, yeah, wait.
I know someone
who went there.
887
00:44:19,290 --> 00:44:20,726
Did you know
J.D. McNugent?
888
00:44:20,792 --> 00:44:22,527
No, no.
889
00:44:22,593 --> 00:44:24,395
Never heard of
such a person ever!
890
00:44:24,462 --> 00:44:26,331
Oh, well.
891
00:44:26,397 --> 00:44:27,766
Well, see you
later, J.D.
892
00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:29,134
Take it easy, Judith.
893
00:44:31,036 --> 00:44:32,971
Goddamnit!
894
00:44:33,038 --> 00:44:34,605
She knows
who we are?
895
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,641
Dude, there was nothin'
I could do.
896
00:44:36,708 --> 00:44:38,910
She used her super
intellect on me, man.
897
00:44:38,977 --> 00:44:40,278
She's like Hannibal Lecter.
898
00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,080
Great. Now we can't
let her go.
899
00:44:42,147 --> 00:44:43,749
So what are we gonna do?
900
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:47,318
J.D. AND WAYNE:
Coach! Coach! Hey!
901
00:44:47,385 --> 00:44:49,788
Well! If it ain't my favorite
third-string quarterback...
902
00:44:49,855 --> 00:44:52,357
And the best damn mascot
Wheaton High School ever had.
903
00:44:52,423 --> 00:44:53,424
(SQUAWKING)
904
00:44:53,491 --> 00:44:54,960
(LAUGHING)
He's still got it.
905
00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:56,294
All right.
906
00:44:56,361 --> 00:44:57,996
It's good seein' you boys.
907
00:44:58,063 --> 00:44:59,965
I want to thank you
for comin' to my trial.
908
00:45:00,031 --> 00:45:01,466
Oh no problem, Coach.
909
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:03,869
We were happy
to act as witnesses
on your behalf.
910
00:45:03,935 --> 00:45:06,271
Yeah, that ref blew.
He deserved what he got.
911
00:45:07,906 --> 00:45:09,174
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
912
00:45:10,308 --> 00:45:11,810
Touchdown!
913
00:45:11,877 --> 00:45:14,579
No touchdown!
No touchdown!
He's out of bounds!
914
00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:16,581
What?
Out of bounds!
915
00:45:20,819 --> 00:45:22,453
CROWD:
Oh!
916
00:45:23,221 --> 00:45:24,790
(ALL GASPING)
917
00:45:24,856 --> 00:45:26,124
Whoops.
918
00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,327
(CREAKING)
919
00:45:30,829 --> 00:45:33,464
Coach, do you think
after you get out of prison
920
00:45:33,531 --> 00:45:35,801
they'll let you get
your old job back?
921
00:45:35,867 --> 00:45:38,837
Well, boys,
I don't think so.
922
00:45:38,904 --> 00:45:40,972
So when are they
gonna let you out?
923
00:45:41,039 --> 00:45:42,808
Well, I've got
an appeal pending,
924
00:45:42,874 --> 00:45:44,742
but it doesn't look good.
925
00:45:44,810 --> 00:45:47,946
The victim's whiny
family's protesting.
926
00:45:48,013 --> 00:45:50,081
What's their
damn problem?
927
00:45:50,148 --> 00:45:52,550
So what brings you boys
up here today?
928
00:45:52,617 --> 00:45:54,853
Well, Coach,
we need your advice.
929
00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:56,287
Okay, shoot.
930
00:45:56,354 --> 00:45:59,090
Darren fell in love
with this girl Judith.
931
00:45:59,157 --> 00:46:01,126
And we kidnapped her.
932
00:46:01,192 --> 00:46:02,360
Kill her.
933
00:46:02,427 --> 00:46:05,330
Okay, just wait a minute.
Let me finish.
934
00:46:05,396 --> 00:46:09,100
So, we screwed up,
'cause now she knows
who we are.
935
00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:12,270
We can't let her go,
or she'll turn us in.
936
00:46:12,337 --> 00:46:14,039
Is that it?
That everything?
937
00:46:14,105 --> 00:46:15,540
Yeah.
938
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:16,741
Hmm.
939
00:46:16,808 --> 00:46:17,943
Kill her!
940
00:46:18,009 --> 00:46:20,645
Well,
we can't kill her.
941
00:46:20,711 --> 00:46:22,347
Sure, you can!
942
00:46:22,413 --> 00:46:24,382
You're Wheaton Warbirds.
You can do anything
you put your minds to.
943
00:46:24,449 --> 00:46:26,351
Yeah, but, Coach,
come on.
944
00:46:26,417 --> 00:46:28,153
We can't actually
kill a person.
945
00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:31,089
What is it that
I always said?
946
00:46:31,156 --> 00:46:33,791
BOTH:
If you can dream it,
you can do it.
947
00:46:33,859 --> 00:46:35,026
Exactly!
948
00:46:35,093 --> 00:46:36,361
You have the dream.
949
00:46:36,427 --> 00:46:38,463
All you have to do is
turn it into reality.
950
00:46:39,497 --> 00:46:41,432
Okay.
Attaboy!
951
00:46:41,499 --> 00:46:43,501
Now go on home
and snuff that bitch!
952
00:46:43,568 --> 00:46:44,936
Come on, move.
Thanks, Coach.
953
00:46:45,003 --> 00:46:47,572
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
954
00:46:51,542 --> 00:46:52,978
Where's your bird suit?
955
00:46:53,044 --> 00:46:55,713
I don't need it,
because we're...
956
00:46:57,315 --> 00:46:59,417
Because we're
gonna kill you, right?
957
00:46:59,484 --> 00:47:00,485
Right.
958
00:47:02,287 --> 00:47:04,222
You guys aren't
gonna shoot me.
959
00:47:04,289 --> 00:47:06,391
Oh, yeah?
What makes you say that?
960
00:47:06,457 --> 00:47:07,692
Because you're not killers.
961
00:47:07,758 --> 00:47:09,127
Sure, we are.
962
00:47:09,194 --> 00:47:10,728
You've never
killed anyone.
963
00:47:10,795 --> 00:47:12,530
I killed a man once.
Oh, really?
964
00:47:12,597 --> 00:47:14,099
Yeah.
Who?
965
00:47:14,165 --> 00:47:15,967
Kevin... Beckley.
966
00:47:16,034 --> 00:47:19,137
You didn't kill
Kevin Beckley.
He died in a car wreck.
967
00:47:20,238 --> 00:47:22,908
She doesn't know that.
God damn it.
968
00:47:22,974 --> 00:47:26,044
You see? You guys
have never killed anything
in your entire lives.
969
00:47:26,111 --> 00:47:28,513
Oh, yeah?
One time I was drivin',
970
00:47:28,579 --> 00:47:30,148
and this squirrel
ran out in the street.
971
00:47:30,215 --> 00:47:31,682
I ran over him.
972
00:47:31,749 --> 00:47:33,651
He didn't die right then,
but he was limpin' and stuff.
973
00:47:33,718 --> 00:47:35,220
I'm pretty sure
he died
right after that.
974
00:47:35,286 --> 00:47:36,721
Look.
975
00:47:36,787 --> 00:47:39,090
It doesn't matter
whether we've killed
anybody or not.
976
00:47:39,157 --> 00:47:41,692
We're gonna do it
right now! Ready?
977
00:47:41,759 --> 00:47:42,793
J.D.: Ready!
978
00:47:44,829 --> 00:47:45,897
Well, do it.
979
00:47:45,964 --> 00:47:47,465
I can't!
God!
980
00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:48,934
God damn it!
981
00:47:52,203 --> 00:47:54,539
( SHOW ME THE MEANING
OF BEING LONELY by
The Backstreet Boys PLAYING)
982
00:47:58,176 --> 00:48:00,078
Okay, it's Tuesday!
983
00:48:00,145 --> 00:48:01,179
So?
984
00:48:01,246 --> 00:48:03,414
So you're meetin'
Sandy for lunch.
985
00:48:03,481 --> 00:48:05,150
Can't you see
I'm in mourning?
986
00:48:05,216 --> 00:48:07,385
Right, but you promised
you'd be there.
987
00:48:07,452 --> 00:48:09,220
You gave her
your word.
988
00:48:09,287 --> 00:48:10,855
I didn't even
talk to her.
989
00:48:10,922 --> 00:48:13,291
Okay, I gave her your word.
990
00:48:13,358 --> 00:48:15,193
For God sakes, Wayne.
991
00:48:15,260 --> 00:48:18,163
When are you gonna
give up on this idea
that I'll go out with Sandy?
992
00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:20,331
When you go
out with Sandy.
993
00:48:22,067 --> 00:48:23,668
Now come on.
994
00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:26,637
Come on. Come on.
995
00:48:26,704 --> 00:48:30,108
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Hey!
996
00:48:30,175 --> 00:48:33,311
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
997
00:48:33,378 --> 00:48:37,548
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
998
00:48:37,615 --> 00:48:39,750
WAYNE:
Come on! All right!
Come on.
999
00:48:41,686 --> 00:48:43,721
Darren. Hi.
1000
00:48:43,788 --> 00:48:47,525
Sandy, hey! Wow.
You're wearin' the...
1001
00:48:47,592 --> 00:48:49,961
I'm training
to become a nun.
1002
00:48:50,028 --> 00:48:52,998
A nun?
Well, that explains it.
1003
00:48:53,064 --> 00:48:55,166
I hope it doesn't
freak you out.
1004
00:48:55,233 --> 00:48:58,369
No, it doesn't.
Actually, I'm relieved.
1005
00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:02,440
I think Wayne was tryin'
to set us up on a date.
1006
00:49:02,507 --> 00:49:05,776
(LAUGHING)
Oh, yeah. He's got
some crazy ideas.
1007
00:49:05,843 --> 00:49:10,581
Yeah. Now that I know
that you're unavailable,
1008
00:49:10,648 --> 00:49:12,250
it makes this easier.
1009
00:49:12,317 --> 00:49:13,684
We can just be friends.
1010
00:49:13,751 --> 00:49:16,021
Yeah.
Exactly, friends.
1011
00:49:16,087 --> 00:49:17,188
Please.
1012
00:49:17,255 --> 00:49:20,258
Oh, uh, thank you.
Sure.
1013
00:49:21,259 --> 00:49:22,460
So how are
your parents?
1014
00:49:22,527 --> 00:49:23,995
Oh, great.
1015
00:49:24,062 --> 00:49:26,331
They're making a fortune
on the Internet.
1016
00:49:26,397 --> 00:49:29,634
They started their own
website, circusfreak.com.
1017
00:49:29,700 --> 00:49:31,502
Wow. Good for them.
1018
00:49:31,569 --> 00:49:33,804
Oh and how is your
brother?
Dogfaced boy.
1019
00:49:33,871 --> 00:49:35,540
He got rabies.
1020
00:49:35,606 --> 00:49:37,575
God that's too bad.
Yeah.
1021
00:49:37,642 --> 00:49:40,278
For a while there, we thought
we were going to have
to put him down, but...
1022
00:49:40,911 --> 00:49:41,912
He recovered!
1023
00:49:42,613 --> 00:49:43,814
Oh, good. Good.
1024
00:49:44,815 --> 00:49:46,351
So, how are you?
1025
00:49:46,417 --> 00:49:48,953
Me? I'm... I'm great.
1026
00:49:49,020 --> 00:49:52,257
Yeah, everything's
been really good,
you know?
1027
00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:53,324
Yeah.
1028
00:49:55,226 --> 00:49:57,362
Well, my fiancée died.
1029
00:49:57,428 --> 00:49:59,697
She died?
Yeah, she's dead.
1030
00:49:59,764 --> 00:50:01,866
I am so sorry.
Don't be.
1031
00:50:01,932 --> 00:50:04,635
Please don't be sorry.
1032
00:50:04,702 --> 00:50:06,304
It's... It's nothing.
1033
00:50:07,838 --> 00:50:09,874
So how do you feel about...
1034
00:50:10,808 --> 00:50:12,577
(WHIMPERS)
1035
00:50:12,643 --> 00:50:13,811
Oh.
1036
00:50:13,878 --> 00:50:15,246
(SOBBING)
1037
00:50:15,313 --> 00:50:18,049
Oh, no. Oh, gosh.
1038
00:50:18,816 --> 00:50:20,685
Just cry.
Okay.
1039
00:50:20,751 --> 00:50:21,852
Let it out.
Uh-huh.
1040
00:50:21,919 --> 00:50:24,955
I'm here for you, okay?
I'm here for you.
1041
00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:26,023
Thank you.
1042
00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:32,797
* Hello, my friend, hello
1043
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:36,467
BOTH:
* It's good to need you so
1044
00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:38,569
Wait a minute. Wait.
1045
00:50:38,636 --> 00:50:40,571
You're a Neil Diamond
fan, too?
1046
00:50:40,638 --> 00:50:43,274
Oh, the man's a genius.
1047
00:50:43,341 --> 00:50:48,979
Yeah, he's...he's the
greatest songwriter/performer
of this or any generation.
1048
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:50,215
I know.
1049
00:50:50,281 --> 00:50:53,551
* It's good to love you
1050
00:50:53,618 --> 00:50:55,320
* Like I do
1051
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:57,388
* And to feel this way
1052
00:50:57,455 --> 00:51:00,325
BOTH:
* When I hear you say
1053
00:51:00,391 --> 00:51:02,293
* Hello
1054
00:51:02,993 --> 00:51:04,462
Oh, God. Wow.
1055
00:51:05,696 --> 00:51:07,532
I could've been free.
1056
00:51:07,998 --> 00:51:09,066
Hey.
1057
00:51:10,135 --> 00:51:11,402
(CHUCKLES)
1058
00:51:11,469 --> 00:51:13,271
I brought you
some more videos.
1059
00:51:13,338 --> 00:51:16,241
You got your choice,
porno or monster trucks.
1060
00:51:16,307 --> 00:51:18,443
Oh, and I got one
that's both.
Thanks, J.D.
1061
00:51:18,509 --> 00:51:21,812
Hey. I really appreciate
you taking care of me.
1062
00:51:21,879 --> 00:51:23,214
My pleasure.
1063
00:51:23,281 --> 00:51:26,617
Hey, you strike me as
a pretty responsible guy.
1064
00:51:26,684 --> 00:51:27,852
Uh, thanks.
1065
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:29,254
Yeah, that's why
I'm surprised
1066
00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:31,456
that you let Wayne
boss you around.
1067
00:51:33,391 --> 00:51:35,593
Wayne's not...
No... He...
1068
00:51:35,660 --> 00:51:38,329
No one bosses me around.
Wayne's not the boss of me.
1069
00:51:38,396 --> 00:51:42,300
Yeah, I think
that you seem
depressed and confused.
1070
00:51:42,367 --> 00:51:43,434
You think?
1071
00:51:43,501 --> 00:51:45,069
Not to mention,
I think you're
suffering from
1072
00:51:45,136 --> 00:51:47,104
a self-defeating
personality disorder.
1073
00:51:47,172 --> 00:51:48,973
Whoa.
Mmm-hmm.
1074
00:51:49,039 --> 00:51:50,575
Have you considered therapy?
1075
00:51:52,877 --> 00:51:56,814
I remember in high school,
you were really into
helping people.
1076
00:51:56,881 --> 00:51:59,650
At parties, you were always
the designated driver.
1077
00:51:59,717 --> 00:52:02,753
Right. And I remember
you were a really
good dancer.
1078
00:52:02,820 --> 00:52:06,757
And strong, too.
You used to be able to
lift me up over your head.
1079
00:52:06,824 --> 00:52:08,593
Mmm. Still can.
1080
00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:10,761
Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.
1081
00:52:10,828 --> 00:52:12,997
Ready? And...
1082
00:52:13,063 --> 00:52:15,266
Whoa! Whoa!
1083
00:52:17,435 --> 00:52:19,069
Oh, Darren!
Help me!
1084
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,671
Are you okay?
1085
00:52:20,738 --> 00:52:22,307
I can't...
Just hang on.
1086
00:52:23,341 --> 00:52:25,142
Swim.
I can't swim.
1087
00:52:27,845 --> 00:52:29,614
(DARREN GASPING)
1088
00:52:40,691 --> 00:52:42,092
(BOTH GRUNT)
1089
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:44,262
Darren! Darren!
1090
00:52:44,329 --> 00:52:45,630
Are you okay?
1091
00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:49,300
Thank you.
Thank you for saving me.
1092
00:52:49,367 --> 00:52:51,769
(CHUCKLES) No problem.
1093
00:52:58,909 --> 00:53:00,245
(COUGHING)
1094
00:53:01,679 --> 00:53:04,949
Let it out now.
There you go.
1095
00:53:07,818 --> 00:53:09,854
Come on.
Let's go, okay?
1096
00:53:14,158 --> 00:53:16,727
You're a lot stronger
than you were
in high school.
1097
00:53:16,794 --> 00:53:20,164
Yeah, well,
the convent's
got a great gym.
1098
00:53:20,231 --> 00:53:21,566
Oh.
Yeah.
1099
00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:26,537
And ever since then,
I've been afraid of toilets.
Right.
1100
00:53:26,604 --> 00:53:29,039
What else can I tell you
about the second grade?
1101
00:53:29,106 --> 00:53:31,041
You know what J.D.?
Let's fast-forward.
1102
00:53:31,108 --> 00:53:33,010
Have you ever had
a girlfriend?
Yes.
1103
00:53:34,312 --> 00:53:36,113
No.
1104
00:53:36,180 --> 00:53:38,483
Have you ever fantasized
about having sex
with a man?
1105
00:53:38,549 --> 00:53:40,217
Any man.
Which man?
1106
00:53:40,285 --> 00:53:41,619
You mean like
a tall man?
1107
00:53:41,686 --> 00:53:43,020
Sure, whatever.
1108
00:53:43,087 --> 00:53:44,555
'Cause I don't like
tall people.
They bother me.
1109
00:53:44,622 --> 00:53:45,623
Okay, how about
a short man?
1110
00:53:45,690 --> 00:53:47,258
How short?
1111
00:53:47,325 --> 00:53:50,428
Sometimes people can
be too short. That's weird.
Like midgets.
1112
00:53:50,495 --> 00:53:53,030
Have you ever
fantasized about
having sex with any man?
1113
00:53:53,097 --> 00:53:54,565
Any man at all?
1114
00:53:54,632 --> 00:53:56,301
Does that include
celebrities?
1115
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:00,538
Can I ask you something?
1116
00:54:00,605 --> 00:54:02,006
Sure.
1117
00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:04,642
Um, I mean. Not that it
matters now.
1118
00:54:06,010 --> 00:54:09,280
But if had asked
you out back
in high school...
1119
00:54:09,347 --> 00:54:10,715
Would you have
gone out with me?
1120
00:54:11,982 --> 00:54:12,983
Definitely.
1121
00:54:14,685 --> 00:54:16,321
Not that it matters now...
1122
00:54:16,387 --> 00:54:18,389
You know...
Right. Of course.
1123
00:54:22,793 --> 00:54:23,928
Thanks.
Perfect.
1124
00:54:23,994 --> 00:54:24,995
Sure.
1125
00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:27,064
Oh, could you?
1126
00:54:27,131 --> 00:54:28,165
You know, turn around?
1127
00:54:28,232 --> 00:54:29,534
Right, yeah. Certainly.
1128
00:54:36,874 --> 00:54:38,509
Oh and uh...
1129
00:54:38,576 --> 00:54:39,944
I have these...
1130
00:54:41,479 --> 00:54:43,581
Oh.
Sorry, sorry.
Those are...
1131
00:54:44,582 --> 00:54:45,683
Thanks.
1132
00:54:57,595 --> 00:54:59,397
Um, can you...
1133
00:54:59,464 --> 00:55:00,965
Zip me up?
Yeah of course.
1134
00:55:03,601 --> 00:55:05,636
I had a really great time.
1135
00:55:05,703 --> 00:55:07,237
Yeah, me too.
1136
00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:08,473
You want to have
dinner tonight?
1137
00:55:08,539 --> 00:55:10,040
I can't.
1138
00:55:10,107 --> 00:55:12,577
Tomorrow, I have a test
in my catechism class,
1139
00:55:12,643 --> 00:55:15,012
and I have to score
at least an 85
1140
00:55:15,079 --> 00:55:17,815
so I can take
my final vows
on Sunday.
1141
00:55:17,882 --> 00:55:19,083
What about tomorrow night?
1142
00:55:19,717 --> 00:55:21,251
Tomorrow night,
1143
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:24,254
I'm scheduled to take care
of an elderly nun
on her deathbed.
1144
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,523
I understand.
1145
00:55:25,590 --> 00:55:27,124
But I'd really like
to see you again.
1146
00:55:29,226 --> 00:55:31,396
I'll get out of it.
1147
00:55:31,462 --> 00:55:34,865
I always knew I was different,
and now I know why!
1148
00:55:34,932 --> 00:55:37,267
I'm gay!
1149
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:41,606
You're the only person
who's ever truly
understood me!
1150
00:55:41,672 --> 00:55:43,841
(WHINING)
I know. It's okay.
1151
00:55:43,908 --> 00:55:47,478
Just let it out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
1152
00:55:48,245 --> 00:55:50,014
It's all gonna be okay.
1153
00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:51,882
It's gonna be just...
1154
00:56:05,663 --> 00:56:07,097
Oh!
1155
00:56:07,164 --> 00:56:08,433
Hey!
1156
00:56:18,776 --> 00:56:20,745
Hey! Stop!
1157
00:56:20,811 --> 00:56:22,780
(GROANING)
Wayne?
1158
00:56:24,314 --> 00:56:25,616
Wayne!
1159
00:56:25,683 --> 00:56:28,152
(SCREAMING)
1160
00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:29,219
(GROANS)
1161
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:31,522
Judith escaped!
1162
00:56:33,257 --> 00:56:34,258
Der!
1163
00:56:38,629 --> 00:56:40,431
(GROANING)
Get to the truck.
1164
00:56:40,498 --> 00:56:42,667
(BOTH GROANING)
1165
00:56:50,374 --> 00:56:51,842
Judith?
1166
00:56:51,909 --> 00:56:53,277
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1167
00:56:53,343 --> 00:56:54,845
(SCREAMS)
1168
00:56:56,180 --> 00:56:58,082
Okay,
she can't be far.
1169
00:57:00,350 --> 00:57:01,519
J.D.: I see her!
1170
00:57:01,586 --> 00:57:04,154
Where? Okay, steady!
Steady!
1171
00:57:04,221 --> 00:57:05,322
(GLASS SHATTERING)
1172
00:57:06,223 --> 00:57:07,692
I missed her.
1173
00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:12,797
WAYNE: Gah!
1174
00:57:12,863 --> 00:57:14,899
Now, let's go,
go, go!
1175
00:57:14,965 --> 00:57:17,635
You go this way!
I'll go that way!
All right!
1176
00:57:23,608 --> 00:57:24,642
Hey!
1177
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,946
JUDITH: Open up!
I've been kidnapped!
1178
00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:33,250
Hold your
goddamn horses.
1179
00:57:33,317 --> 00:57:35,085
Oh, thank God.
Hurry up.
1180
00:57:35,152 --> 00:57:36,220
Oh.
1181
00:57:39,356 --> 00:57:41,492
Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.
1182
00:57:43,961 --> 00:57:46,531
Young lady,
so horny, so impatient.
1183
00:57:46,597 --> 00:57:48,398
(SCREAMS)
1184
00:57:50,568 --> 00:57:52,570
Oh, scrotum!
1185
00:57:55,272 --> 00:57:58,576
WAYNE: Dude, she's stealing
the truck! Come on!
1186
00:57:58,643 --> 00:58:00,811
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1187
00:58:01,546 --> 00:58:02,713
Now! Do her!
1188
00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:04,048
I got her!
1189
00:58:04,114 --> 00:58:05,449
I got her!
1190
00:58:13,591 --> 00:58:14,725
(GRUNTS)
1191
00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:17,995
Okay, Judith,
it's over.
1192
00:58:18,062 --> 00:58:20,397
You might as well turn
this thing around and head
back to the house.
1193
00:58:20,464 --> 00:58:21,766
Now, come on...
Hey!
1194
00:58:22,199 --> 00:58:23,768
(ZAPPING)
1195
00:58:26,370 --> 00:58:27,572
(GROANS)
1196
00:58:28,472 --> 00:58:29,940
Ah!
1197
00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:31,341
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1198
00:58:34,378 --> 00:58:35,880
Oh, thank God.
1199
00:58:40,585 --> 00:58:41,819
(SHRIEKS)
1200
00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:01,371
Hi, officers.
You're safe.
1201
00:59:01,438 --> 00:59:05,610
I'm Cowboy Wayne.
I just bagged me
one of them
1202
00:59:05,676 --> 00:59:09,413
killer goats
that escaped from the zoo.
1203
00:59:10,815 --> 00:59:12,617
Good job.
Yeah.
1204
00:59:12,683 --> 00:59:14,919
Okay, then.
I'll see you later.
1205
00:59:20,157 --> 00:59:21,425
(GRUNTS)
1206
00:59:28,298 --> 00:59:30,034
There. That should
hold you for tonight.
1207
00:59:30,100 --> 00:59:31,101
(GRUNTS)
1208
00:59:32,002 --> 00:59:33,203
Don't!
1209
00:59:35,205 --> 00:59:36,340
(EXHALES)
1210
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,910
Hey, what
the hell happened?
1211
00:59:39,977 --> 00:59:43,513
Well, Judith was
givin' me some therapy...
1212
00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:46,316
And helped me
realize I was gay,
and the next thing...
1213
00:59:46,383 --> 00:59:48,385
Wait. What?
1214
00:59:48,452 --> 00:59:50,888
(LAUGHING)
I see what happened.
1215
00:59:50,955 --> 00:59:52,990
She messed
with your head.
1216
00:59:53,057 --> 00:59:54,859
Wayne, I'm gay.
1217
00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:58,595
No, you're not.
You're just unsuccessful
with women.
1218
00:59:58,663 --> 01:00:00,297
No, I'm gay.
1219
01:00:00,364 --> 01:00:02,867
Judith got me in touch
with the inner J.D.
1220
01:00:02,933 --> 01:00:04,234
How'd she do that?
1221
01:00:04,301 --> 01:00:06,236
She listened,
1222
01:00:06,303 --> 01:00:09,006
unlike other people who've
known me for years
1223
01:00:09,073 --> 01:00:11,108
and have ignored
all the tell-tale signs.
1224
01:00:11,175 --> 01:00:12,476
Like what?
1225
01:00:12,542 --> 01:00:14,311
Like my obsession
with Bette Midler.
1226
01:00:14,378 --> 01:00:16,213
My preference
for track lighting.
1227
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,282
Oh, and the fact
that I like sucking dick.
1228
01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:20,718
What?
1229
01:00:20,785 --> 01:00:22,319
You've done that?
1230
01:00:22,386 --> 01:00:24,154
No... I mean not
with another guy.
1231
01:00:24,221 --> 01:00:25,756
No, but remember when
I bought that book on yoga?
1232
01:00:25,823 --> 01:00:26,957
Dude, that...
1233
01:00:27,024 --> 01:00:28,525
That's enough. I don't
want to hear anymore.
1234
01:00:28,592 --> 01:00:32,162
Look, you wanna be gay?
Fine, no problem.
1235
01:00:32,229 --> 01:00:34,498
But from now on,
I'll take care of
Judith myself.
1236
01:00:34,564 --> 01:00:35,733
Okay?
Okay.
1237
01:00:40,938 --> 01:00:42,873
You want to be gay
with me?
No!
1238
01:00:42,940 --> 01:00:44,274
All right.
1239
01:00:46,276 --> 01:00:48,412
( COUNTRY GRAMMAR
by Nelly PLAYING)
1240
01:00:48,478 --> 01:00:50,681
Come on, come on.
Go. Come on.
1241
01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:52,717
All you, all you.
All you, 11.
1242
01:00:52,783 --> 01:00:54,785
Okay. One more.
One more. Come on.
1243
01:00:54,852 --> 01:00:56,787
One more, one more.
Come on.
1244
01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:59,389
(GROANING)
Feel the burn.
Come on now.
1245
01:01:00,925 --> 01:01:02,727
(EXHALING)
11. Oh.
1246
01:01:03,961 --> 01:01:05,830
What's the matter,
dear?
1247
01:01:05,896 --> 01:01:09,533
You never used to be
so winded after only
five sets.
1248
01:01:09,599 --> 01:01:11,601
Well, Mother Superior,
1249
01:01:11,668 --> 01:01:13,270
(GRUNTING)
1250
01:01:13,337 --> 01:01:17,374
I'm having
some second thoughts
about becoming a nun.
1251
01:01:18,075 --> 01:01:19,576
Oh, don't get me wrong.
1252
01:01:19,643 --> 01:01:23,147
This is a terrific convent,
but I...
1253
01:01:23,213 --> 01:01:25,750
(GRUNTS) But?
Well, I...
1254
01:01:26,884 --> 01:01:30,454
I'm having these
feelings.
1255
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,022
What kind of feelings?
1256
01:01:34,424 --> 01:01:35,860
Um, I, uh...
1257
01:01:35,926 --> 01:01:38,462
You mean sexual feelings?
1258
01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:41,531
Yeah. Yeah,
but it's so much more
than that.
1259
01:01:41,598 --> 01:01:43,700
(GRUNTS) Yes, well...
1260
01:01:43,768 --> 01:01:45,502
My dear...
1261
01:01:45,569 --> 01:01:49,239
You're the only one
who can decide if this is
the life you want to live.
1262
01:01:49,306 --> 01:01:51,876
But, once you take
your final vows,
1263
01:01:54,078 --> 01:01:56,981
there is no going back.
1264
01:01:57,047 --> 01:02:00,350
Now, let's go bust out
some power squats.
1265
01:02:03,287 --> 01:02:04,989
(WAYNE WHISTLING)
1266
01:02:14,631 --> 01:02:17,968
There.
That should keep you
from escaping again.
1267
01:02:18,035 --> 01:02:19,569
And this...
1268
01:02:20,470 --> 01:02:21,505
(GRUNTS)
1269
01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:23,273
This...
1270
01:02:23,340 --> 01:02:26,176
This should keep you
from biting.
1271
01:02:26,243 --> 01:02:28,979
How am I gonna eat?
I thought of that.
1272
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:31,982
What is that?
It's breakfast.
1273
01:02:32,049 --> 01:02:35,252
It's pancakes, sausage,
uh, hash brown, Pop-Tart,
pureed.
1274
01:02:35,319 --> 01:02:37,487
I'm not eating that shit.
I want a Big Montana.
A what?
1275
01:02:37,554 --> 01:02:40,124
A Big Montana from Arby's
with curly fries.
1276
01:02:40,190 --> 01:02:42,159
No. I'm not gonna
get you one.
1277
01:02:42,226 --> 01:02:45,129
If you don't wanna
eat what I made for you,
then you can starve.
1278
01:02:45,195 --> 01:02:47,331
Why are you doing this?
1279
01:02:47,397 --> 01:02:49,166
It's the only way
to save our friendship.
1280
01:02:49,233 --> 01:02:50,734
It doesn't seem like
a friendship to me.
1281
01:02:50,801 --> 01:02:52,602
It seems like you're
in love with Darren.
1282
01:02:52,669 --> 01:02:54,839
Bullshit!
1283
01:02:54,905 --> 01:02:57,374
Just get over it.
Your buddy smokes pole,
and so do you.
1284
01:02:57,441 --> 01:03:00,177
(LAUGHING)
I am so un-gay.
1285
01:03:00,244 --> 01:03:02,379
Okay, fine.
Let's pretend for a second
that you're straight.
1286
01:03:02,446 --> 01:03:04,214
When's the last time
you got any?
1287
01:03:04,281 --> 01:03:06,383
That's none
of your business.
1288
01:03:06,450 --> 01:03:08,085
So, it's been years?
1289
01:03:08,152 --> 01:03:09,619
I'm waiting for
the right woman.
1290
01:03:09,686 --> 01:03:11,521
There is no right woman
for you, Wayne.
1291
01:03:11,588 --> 01:03:13,657
My guess is,
if there ever was,
you've already met her.
1292
01:03:13,723 --> 01:03:16,193
And she's either
killed herself or
become a lesbian.
1293
01:03:16,260 --> 01:03:18,295
Oh bite me!
Blow me!
1294
01:03:18,362 --> 01:03:20,230
Skank!
Eunuch!
1295
01:03:20,297 --> 01:03:22,732
Stealer...
Of my friend!
1296
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,436
(SLOW ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
1297
01:03:28,338 --> 01:03:30,908
Hi.
Hey, hi.
1298
01:03:30,975 --> 01:03:32,642
What happened
to your head?
1299
01:03:32,709 --> 01:03:35,512
Oh, um, well,
1300
01:03:36,580 --> 01:03:38,248
I saw Judith.
1301
01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:40,217
Judith's dead.
1302
01:03:40,284 --> 01:03:44,221
Yeah, but...
I could have sworn
it was her.
1303
01:03:44,288 --> 01:03:46,456
I was, uh...
You poor thing.
1304
01:03:46,523 --> 01:03:49,193
You're still not
over her death.
1305
01:03:49,259 --> 01:03:52,196
Maybe we shouldn't
be seeing each other.
1306
01:03:52,262 --> 01:03:54,298
No. No, no.
1307
01:03:54,364 --> 01:03:56,266
No, God, I'm fine.
1308
01:03:56,333 --> 01:03:59,103
And look, I can
deal with this. Okay?
1309
01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:00,604
Okay.
Okay.
1310
01:04:03,140 --> 01:04:05,943
So, what are
you having?
Uh, let's see.
1311
01:04:06,010 --> 01:04:07,677
Ah, there's the duck.
1312
01:04:07,744 --> 01:04:09,479
That was always
Judith's favorite.
1313
01:04:09,546 --> 01:04:10,881
I'm sorry.
I should leave.
1314
01:04:10,948 --> 01:04:12,883
No, you shouldn't.
I'm so sorry.
1315
01:04:12,950 --> 01:04:16,786
God, uh, I will never mention
Judith's name again, really.
1316
01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:19,456
I swear. I swear.
1317
01:04:19,523 --> 01:04:24,161
Hey, uh, would you
excuse me for just a moment?
1318
01:04:24,228 --> 01:04:26,863
Uh, please,
I'll... I'll be right back.
1319
01:04:26,931 --> 01:04:29,166
Okay? In a... In a moment.
1320
01:04:32,036 --> 01:04:33,770
(PHONE RINGING)
1321
01:04:34,771 --> 01:04:36,773
Oh! Damn it!
1322
01:04:41,445 --> 01:04:44,114
What do you want?
DARREN: Wayne,
it's me, Darren.
1323
01:04:44,181 --> 01:04:45,615
Look, there's a problem.
1324
01:04:45,682 --> 01:04:48,986
I'm with Sandy,
but I can't stop
talking about Judith.
1325
01:04:49,053 --> 01:04:51,188
Okay. I'll be right there.
1326
01:04:56,160 --> 01:04:57,727
(HORN HONKS)
1327
01:05:03,533 --> 01:05:05,669
Okay.
Open up your shirt.
1328
01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:07,371
Why?
Just do it.
1329
01:05:08,238 --> 01:05:10,207
What is this?
1330
01:05:10,274 --> 01:05:12,977
(GRUNTS) Okay. Now...
1331
01:05:13,944 --> 01:05:15,545
Here's what's
gonna happen.
1332
01:05:16,580 --> 01:05:17,814
(GRUNTS)
1333
01:05:17,881 --> 01:05:20,684
I'm going to listen
to your conversation.
1334
01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:22,852
Now...
1335
01:05:22,919 --> 01:05:23,920
(GRUNTS)
1336
01:05:23,988 --> 01:05:27,524
If you say anything
about Judith,
1337
01:05:27,591 --> 01:05:29,994
or so much as
mention her name,
1338
01:05:30,060 --> 01:05:32,829
then, I'm gonna
give you a little shock.
1339
01:05:32,896 --> 01:05:35,032
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Ow!
1340
01:05:35,099 --> 01:05:37,801
Perfect.
Ow! Ow.
1341
01:05:37,867 --> 01:05:39,703
I don't think
I'm comfortable
1342
01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:41,838
having these things
on my nipples, okay?
1343
01:05:41,905 --> 01:05:43,707
I can put 'em
on your balls.
1344
01:05:43,773 --> 01:05:45,442
The nipples are fine.
1345
01:05:45,509 --> 01:05:47,277
Nipples work.
Okay.
1346
01:05:48,445 --> 01:05:50,680
Hi. Sorry,
sorry, sorry.
1347
01:05:50,747 --> 01:05:52,649
I'm back. I am back.
1348
01:05:52,716 --> 01:05:55,019
It was a talkative
men's room...
Mmm.
1349
01:05:55,085 --> 01:05:57,554
Attendant.
That's okay.
1350
01:06:11,601 --> 01:06:13,270
Excuse me.
Hey.
1351
01:06:13,337 --> 01:06:15,639
This table's reserved, sir.
Do you know what?
1352
01:06:15,705 --> 01:06:18,608
I come here all the time,
and I spend a lot of money
in this place.
1353
01:06:18,675 --> 01:06:21,045
So, why don't you just
leave me the hell alone?
1354
01:06:23,547 --> 01:06:25,782
SANDY:
I don't mean
to be pushy, but
1355
01:06:25,849 --> 01:06:28,785
if this relationship
is gonna get serious,
1356
01:06:28,852 --> 01:06:31,121
then I have to give up
becoming a nun.
1357
01:06:31,188 --> 01:06:33,957
And I'd have to decide
soon because...
1358
01:06:34,024 --> 01:06:36,760
I'm taking
my final vows on Sunday.
1359
01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:39,029
Yeah, that thought
had occurred to me.
1360
01:06:39,096 --> 01:06:42,232
And if I do that,
I need to know...
1361
01:06:42,299 --> 01:06:44,934
That you want
marriage and a family.
1362
01:06:46,303 --> 01:06:49,106
Absolutely.
1363
01:06:49,173 --> 01:06:52,676
I never thought
I'd say this to anyone
after Luigi died, but...
1364
01:06:54,178 --> 01:06:55,845
I love you, Darren.
1365
01:06:57,814 --> 01:06:59,516
DARREN: Wow. Wow.
1366
01:06:59,583 --> 01:07:01,085
I love you too, Judith.
1367
01:07:02,018 --> 01:07:04,721
Ow! Ow.
Judith!
1368
01:07:04,788 --> 01:07:07,157
I mean, Sandy.
I mean.
1369
01:07:07,224 --> 01:07:09,626
Let's dance.
Okay?
1370
01:07:10,627 --> 01:07:12,462
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1371
01:07:18,968 --> 01:07:22,806
You're out of here.
Hey! Put me down!
I haven't ordered yet.
1372
01:07:26,042 --> 01:07:28,512
Time for an attitude
adjustment, mister.
Ooh! Ow!
1373
01:07:31,014 --> 01:07:33,750
Oh!
Hey. Nice move.
1374
01:07:37,221 --> 01:07:38,955
(GROANING)
1375
01:07:39,022 --> 01:07:40,023
Ooh!
1376
01:07:41,725 --> 01:07:43,160
Damn, he's good.
1377
01:07:44,528 --> 01:07:45,795
(GRUNTS)
Darren!
1378
01:07:47,063 --> 01:07:48,565
(GRUNTING)
1379
01:07:50,767 --> 01:07:53,903
Oh, my God.
Oh, geez. Oh, my...
1380
01:07:53,970 --> 01:07:55,572
(WHIMPERING)
1381
01:07:57,374 --> 01:07:59,809
Oh, my...
Are... Are you okay?
1382
01:07:59,876 --> 01:08:02,779
Yeah.
It was a little weird.
1383
01:08:02,846 --> 01:08:04,148
(ALL GASPING)
1384
01:08:04,214 --> 01:08:05,415
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1385
01:08:05,482 --> 01:08:07,151
(FIRE ALARM RINGING)
1386
01:08:07,217 --> 01:08:09,186
(SIREN BLARING)
1387
01:08:11,855 --> 01:08:13,590
WOMAN: Wait for me!
1388
01:08:13,657 --> 01:08:16,493
Darren. Darren,
Darren, Darren.
What's going on?
1389
01:08:16,560 --> 01:08:20,297
Okay, I can explain.
See, it's aversion therapy.
1390
01:08:20,364 --> 01:08:23,267
See, Wayne was trying
to help me get over Judith.
1391
01:08:23,333 --> 01:08:25,101
Judith?
I had these things
on my nipples...
1392
01:08:25,169 --> 01:08:28,472
Oh, my God. It's so much
worse than I thought.
No.
1393
01:08:28,538 --> 01:08:32,108
No, you're obviously not
ready for this relationship.
1394
01:08:33,277 --> 01:08:35,111
No, I am!
Sandy, wait!
1395
01:08:35,179 --> 01:08:37,281
Sandy... Okay...
1396
01:08:37,947 --> 01:08:39,183
Damn it!
1397
01:08:41,084 --> 01:08:44,288
Sandy! Sandy,
wait...wait, Sandy!
1398
01:08:44,354 --> 01:08:46,523
Sandy!
Wait, Sandy!
1399
01:08:50,427 --> 01:08:51,661
Sandy, wait!
1400
01:08:52,729 --> 01:08:53,963
(GRUNTS)
1401
01:08:56,533 --> 01:08:57,767
Sandy.
1402
01:08:59,369 --> 01:09:02,038
(GASPS)
Darren! Oh, my God!
1403
01:09:02,105 --> 01:09:04,274
Darren,
what happened to you?
1404
01:09:04,341 --> 01:09:06,976
Oh, I ran here
from the nightclub.
But that's 30 miles!
1405
01:09:07,043 --> 01:09:08,745
Yeah, I know, I just...
1406
01:09:08,812 --> 01:09:11,648
Wanted to say...
I'm sorry.
1407
01:09:11,715 --> 01:09:13,717
I'm sorry. Can you
ever forgive me?
1408
01:09:13,783 --> 01:09:17,287
Oh, yeah.
'Cause the whole Judith thing
and the nipple clamps...
1409
01:09:17,354 --> 01:09:18,855
It's crazy and...
Yes!
1410
01:09:20,190 --> 01:09:21,791
Really?
Yes.
1411
01:09:21,858 --> 01:09:23,393
Just like that?
1412
01:09:23,460 --> 01:09:26,230
Yeah, well, I am training to
become a nun, you know.
1413
01:09:26,296 --> 01:09:28,532
Forgiveness is just
sort of my thing.
1414
01:09:28,598 --> 01:09:30,166
I love you.
Really?
1415
01:09:30,234 --> 01:09:32,168
I love you!
I love you.
1416
01:09:32,236 --> 01:09:33,837
Love. Love.
1417
01:09:51,488 --> 01:09:54,358
Happy?
You didn't have to do that.
1418
01:09:54,424 --> 01:09:57,261
Well, I just happened
to be by an Arby's,
1419
01:09:57,327 --> 01:10:00,129
and they were throwin' out
some old food so, you know,
1420
01:10:00,196 --> 01:10:01,665
I thought, why not?
1421
01:10:01,731 --> 01:10:04,100
Either way,
that's nice of you.
1422
01:10:08,838 --> 01:10:09,973
Hey,
1423
01:10:11,841 --> 01:10:13,377
I was wondering.
1424
01:10:14,878 --> 01:10:17,547
Why Darren?
What do you mean?
1425
01:10:17,614 --> 01:10:21,351
You just don't seem like
the type that goes for
a sensitive guy like Darren.
1426
01:10:21,418 --> 01:10:25,722
You seem more the kind
of woman that needs
an assertive type of guy.
1427
01:10:32,296 --> 01:10:33,930
Before I met Darren,
I was...
1428
01:10:37,166 --> 01:10:39,503
I was engaged
to a guy like that.
1429
01:10:39,569 --> 01:10:41,605
His idea of a fun weekend
was to fly to Thailand
1430
01:10:41,671 --> 01:10:43,440
and compete
in a kickboxing tournament.
1431
01:10:43,507 --> 01:10:44,541
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
1432
01:10:44,608 --> 01:10:46,310
U.S.A.! Go, Josh!
1433
01:10:48,745 --> 01:10:49,913
Yeah!
1434
01:10:52,849 --> 01:10:54,083
(NECK SNAPPING)
1435
01:10:55,652 --> 01:10:56,720
No!
1436
01:10:58,422 --> 01:11:01,090
No!
1437
01:11:04,060 --> 01:11:05,795
(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
1438
01:11:10,099 --> 01:11:12,469
After that I decided
no more tough guys.
1439
01:11:12,536 --> 01:11:14,971
Hmm. Yeah, and then
you found Darren.
1440
01:11:15,439 --> 01:11:16,773
Yeah.
1441
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:18,542
So do you even love him?
1442
01:11:18,608 --> 01:11:20,410
Well, I think there's
all different types of love.
1443
01:11:20,477 --> 01:11:22,479
Ah, I knew it!
1444
01:11:22,546 --> 01:11:25,615
Look, sometimes you have
to make cold,
rational decisions.
1445
01:11:25,682 --> 01:11:28,818
You can't always
follow your heart.
Yeah. Whatever.
1446
01:11:28,885 --> 01:11:32,255
Although I will admit
there's something sexy about
a man who takes charge.
1447
01:11:33,323 --> 01:11:36,326
Like you kidnapping me.
Mmm-hmm.
1448
01:11:36,393 --> 01:11:37,661
That took balls.
1449
01:11:38,528 --> 01:11:39,963
Big balls.
1450
01:11:41,531 --> 01:11:43,099
I gotta say
it turned me on.
1451
01:11:45,134 --> 01:11:47,537
It did?
Mmm-hmm.
1452
01:12:27,911 --> 01:12:29,178
Oh. Oh.
1453
01:12:30,514 --> 01:12:31,948
(PANTING) Chain.
1454
01:12:33,016 --> 01:12:34,918
Goddamn these chains!
1455
01:12:35,985 --> 01:12:37,421
(EXCLAIMS)
1456
01:12:38,655 --> 01:12:41,391
Give it a little key,
little key...
1457
01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:44,160
Wait!
What am I doing?
I can't let you go!
1458
01:12:44,227 --> 01:12:47,163
Just give me one free hand,
and I promise
it'll be worth it.
1459
01:12:47,230 --> 01:12:48,965
(PANTING)
Okay.
1460
01:12:49,032 --> 01:12:50,800
Okay, give me the fries.
1461
01:12:56,540 --> 01:12:58,508
Okay, okay, okay.
1462
01:12:58,575 --> 01:13:00,577
(MOANING)
1463
01:13:00,644 --> 01:13:02,679
Wow. Hey...
(DOORBELL RINGING)
1464
01:13:03,580 --> 01:13:05,081
Shit.
1465
01:13:05,148 --> 01:13:07,851
(DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)
1466
01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:09,853
Just wait
one minute, okay?
1467
01:13:14,123 --> 01:13:15,825
Dude!
Dude, you got a boner?
1468
01:13:16,359 --> 01:13:17,661
No...
1469
01:13:17,727 --> 01:13:19,829
Why didn't you
answer the door?
I'm eatin'.
1470
01:13:19,896 --> 01:13:21,631
So?
I don't answer the door
when I'm eatin'.
1471
01:13:21,698 --> 01:13:22,932
Since when?
Since always.
1472
01:13:22,999 --> 01:13:24,501
I never knew that.
1473
01:13:24,568 --> 01:13:26,703
You didn't know
a lot of things.
You didn't know I was gay.
1474
01:13:26,770 --> 01:13:28,137
Is there anything else
you wanna tell me?
1475
01:13:28,204 --> 01:13:29,873
I got three balls.
1476
01:13:29,939 --> 01:13:32,642
Shut up! God!
1477
01:13:32,709 --> 01:13:34,911
Dude. Dude. Dude!
1478
01:13:36,446 --> 01:13:39,449
Hi, Coach.
Coach!
What are you doin' here?
1479
01:13:39,516 --> 01:13:42,251
Retrial. Got a judge
that's a sports fan.
1480
01:13:42,318 --> 01:13:44,521
Congrats.
What are you gonna do now?
1481
01:13:44,588 --> 01:13:47,757
That's why I'm here.
Need a place to crash.
Get my shit together.
1482
01:13:47,824 --> 01:13:50,694
Figure out my next move.
I knew I could
count on you boys.
1483
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:52,862
Of course. Coach, our house is
your house,
We gotta talk about it.
1484
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:54,263
You stay as long
as you like.
1485
01:13:54,330 --> 01:13:56,700
Great!
Where's the bathroom?
I gotta take a dump.
1486
01:13:56,766 --> 01:13:58,835
We don't use
the toilet anymore,
1487
01:13:58,902 --> 01:14:01,505
'cause we're cuttin' down
on the water bill.
1488
01:14:01,571 --> 01:14:02,972
What the hell
do you do?
1489
01:14:03,039 --> 01:14:06,042
Well, we just
use the lawn now.
1490
01:14:06,109 --> 01:14:09,412
Smart thinkin'.
Oh, God.
1491
01:14:09,479 --> 01:14:11,247
You've been pinchin' loaves
on the lawn, man?
1492
01:14:11,314 --> 01:14:12,749
I play croquet out there!
1493
01:14:12,816 --> 01:14:15,084
What, are you crazy?
The coach can't stay here.
1494
01:14:15,151 --> 01:14:17,253
We've got a woman
locked in the garage.
1495
01:14:17,320 --> 01:14:18,321
Oh, yeah.
1496
01:14:20,056 --> 01:14:21,658
(GRUNTS)
1497
01:14:21,725 --> 01:14:23,026
(COACH WHISTLES)
1498
01:14:23,092 --> 01:14:24,961
You boys got any T.P.?
1499
01:14:25,028 --> 01:14:26,195
No!
1500
01:14:26,262 --> 01:14:28,231
That's all right.
I'll find something.
1501
01:14:34,571 --> 01:14:36,973
Be cool. We'll find
some way to get rid of him.
Okay.
1502
01:14:37,040 --> 01:14:40,376
How about this?
We tell him we've got
dates tonight.
1503
01:14:40,443 --> 01:14:42,211
He can't be here
'cause we're gettin' laid.
1504
01:14:42,278 --> 01:14:44,480
Nah, he'll never
believe that.
Oh, yeah.
1505
01:14:44,548 --> 01:14:46,516
Okay, we'll tell him
we've got ghosts.
1506
01:14:46,583 --> 01:14:48,785
Oh, boys!
What's for supper?
1507
01:14:48,852 --> 01:14:50,554
Uh, listen, Coach...
We have ghosts.
1508
01:14:50,620 --> 01:14:51,788
What?
1509
01:14:51,855 --> 01:14:53,422
Uh, we were thinkin'
that maybe
1510
01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:55,091
you stayin' here is
not such a great idea.
1511
01:14:55,158 --> 01:14:56,660
Yeah.
Nonsense.
1512
01:14:56,726 --> 01:15:00,163
It'll give us a chance
to get to know one another
again.
1513
01:15:00,229 --> 01:15:02,566
By the way, did you boys
take care of that bitch
1514
01:15:02,632 --> 01:15:04,333
that was gonna
marry Silverman?
1515
01:15:04,400 --> 01:15:09,105
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
We snuffed that bitch
just like you said.
1516
01:15:09,172 --> 01:15:11,040
Good.
How'd you do it?
1517
01:15:11,107 --> 01:15:12,876
Uh, we...
Ate her.
1518
01:15:13,743 --> 01:15:16,045
You ate her?
Yeah.
1519
01:15:16,112 --> 01:15:17,914
We ate her.
Alive.
1520
01:15:17,981 --> 01:15:20,617
My hat goes off to you.
You boys are smart.
1521
01:15:20,684 --> 01:15:22,218
That's the perfect crime.
1522
01:15:23,653 --> 01:15:25,054
Wonder what's on the tube.
1523
01:15:25,722 --> 01:15:27,090
No! Coach!
1524
01:15:28,191 --> 01:15:29,325
What the hell
have we got here?
1525
01:15:29,392 --> 01:15:31,294
Some kind of public access
show or something?
1526
01:15:31,360 --> 01:15:32,929
Yeah.
1527
01:15:32,996 --> 01:15:34,998
Wait a minute.
That's your kidnap victim,
ain't it?
1528
01:15:35,064 --> 01:15:36,499
You didn't kill her,
did you?
1529
01:15:37,033 --> 01:15:38,034
No, Coach.
1530
01:15:38,101 --> 01:15:41,437
I am really disappointed
in you boys.
1531
01:15:41,504 --> 01:15:44,040
Now I want you
to go out there and
off that cooze.
1532
01:15:44,107 --> 01:15:45,909
Well, we can't,
Coach...
1533
01:15:45,975 --> 01:15:49,212
Oh, for Pete's sake!
Look, she's gettin' out!
1534
01:15:49,278 --> 01:15:51,280
Go chop her head off
or somethin'!
1535
01:15:52,782 --> 01:15:56,152
There's no fight
left in you boys.
You're nutless!
1536
01:15:56,219 --> 01:15:57,754
You've been pussified!
1537
01:15:57,821 --> 01:16:00,757
Don't worry about a thing,
boys. I'll take care
of that broad.
1538
01:16:00,824 --> 01:16:03,593
No, no.
No! Hey!
1539
01:16:05,228 --> 01:16:07,697
WAYNE: Hey!
1540
01:16:07,764 --> 01:16:09,766
Who the hell are you?
WAYNE: Judith, don't worry!
I'm comin'!
1541
01:16:09,833 --> 01:16:13,369
Let's just say
I'm a friend of the boys,
and I'm here to kill ya.
1542
01:16:13,436 --> 01:16:16,539
You don't mind
if I try to defend myself,
do you?
1543
01:16:16,606 --> 01:16:19,475
Of course not.
I love a good challenge.
1544
01:16:19,542 --> 01:16:21,144
(GRUNTING)
1545
01:16:22,311 --> 01:16:25,682
(GRUNTING)
1546
01:16:29,352 --> 01:16:31,054
(GRUNTING)
1547
01:16:40,163 --> 01:16:41,497
Are you okay?
1548
01:16:41,564 --> 01:16:42,799
(GROANS)
1549
01:16:47,971 --> 01:16:49,005
Dude...
1550
01:16:49,072 --> 01:16:50,173
(SCREAMS)
1551
01:16:54,844 --> 01:16:56,545
Watch your step.
1552
01:16:57,681 --> 01:16:58,715
Got it?
1553
01:16:58,782 --> 01:17:00,750
(GRUNTS)
1554
01:17:00,817 --> 01:17:02,251
Hmm.
1555
01:17:02,318 --> 01:17:05,021
I'm so happy.
Oh, me, too.
1556
01:17:08,024 --> 01:17:10,259
Does this couch
fold out?
Mmm.
1557
01:17:10,927 --> 01:17:11,928
Mmm.
1558
01:17:13,129 --> 01:17:14,330
(MOANING)
1559
01:17:19,268 --> 01:17:20,804
DARREN: Oh, Sandy...
1560
01:17:20,870 --> 01:17:23,172
What the hell
is going on here?
1561
01:17:23,239 --> 01:17:25,108
Wha... Wha... Judith!
1562
01:17:25,174 --> 01:17:27,410
Yes. Yes!
You're alive!
1563
01:17:27,476 --> 01:17:28,544
Judith?
1564
01:17:28,611 --> 01:17:30,413
Who is this tramp?
1565
01:17:30,479 --> 01:17:32,181
I'm not a tramp!
1566
01:17:32,248 --> 01:17:35,484
Actually, until yesterday
I was training to
become a nun.
1567
01:17:35,551 --> 01:17:38,221
I'm gone for a week,
and you're screwing a nun?
1568
01:17:38,287 --> 01:17:40,489
No, no.
We're in love!
1569
01:17:41,590 --> 01:17:43,326
I thought you were dead.
1570
01:17:43,392 --> 01:17:46,395
Really? I'm not dead.
I was kidnapped, okay?
1571
01:17:46,462 --> 01:17:47,731
It was a living hell.
1572
01:17:47,797 --> 01:17:49,365
I was beaten
and tortured...
1573
01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:51,634
And treated like
a friggin' farm animal!
1574
01:17:52,401 --> 01:17:53,937
And the entire time,
1575
01:17:54,003 --> 01:17:57,306
the only thing that kept me
alive was the thought
1576
01:17:57,373 --> 01:18:01,210
that somewhere out there,
my sweet Darren still loved me
1577
01:18:01,277 --> 01:18:03,379
and that one day
we'd be together again.
1578
01:18:06,349 --> 01:18:07,683
It was so horrible.
1579
01:18:08,985 --> 01:18:09,986
(SOBBING)
1580
01:18:15,892 --> 01:18:17,460
Where are we going?
1581
01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:19,628
Where? I don't know.
We've gotta find her.
Come on!
1582
01:18:19,695 --> 01:18:22,565
Let's go!
Okay, where to?
Where to?
1583
01:18:22,631 --> 01:18:25,168
Go left!
I'm goin' right!
1584
01:18:25,234 --> 01:18:27,737
They kept me in a dark
closet for days,
1585
01:18:27,804 --> 01:18:29,638
and they fed me, like,
1586
01:18:29,705 --> 01:18:32,075
crushed potato chips
under the door.
1587
01:18:32,141 --> 01:18:33,709
(SOBBING)
1588
01:18:33,777 --> 01:18:36,813
Um, maybe...
1589
01:18:36,880 --> 01:18:39,048
I should go.
1590
01:18:39,115 --> 01:18:43,219
Oh, no. Sandy...
Sandy, no.
1591
01:18:43,286 --> 01:18:45,388
Please, please,
uh, don't.
1592
01:18:45,454 --> 01:18:47,456
Don't... Don't... Don't leave.
1593
01:18:47,523 --> 01:18:49,058
Well, but, I mean,
1594
01:18:49,125 --> 01:18:54,230
Judith's alive, and
she is your fiancée.
1595
01:18:54,297 --> 01:18:56,966
Yeah, uh, I know.
You're right.
You're right.
1596
01:18:57,033 --> 01:18:59,769
But, um,
but you can't go,
1597
01:18:59,836 --> 01:19:01,805
because I, um...
Because what?
1598
01:19:01,871 --> 01:19:04,073
Because I... I, um...
Why, Darren?
1599
01:19:04,140 --> 01:19:05,942
Yeah?
See, you, uh...
1600
01:19:06,009 --> 01:19:07,944
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, we... Because...
1601
01:19:08,011 --> 01:19:10,814
Sweetheart, we pledged
our love to one another.
1602
01:19:10,880 --> 01:19:12,982
Spare her the pain
of seeing us together.
1603
01:19:14,083 --> 01:19:16,719
You! Run along,
back to the nunnery.
1604
01:19:20,723 --> 01:19:24,327
Sandy, uh, she's right.
1605
01:19:24,393 --> 01:19:27,530
I mean, I did pledge.
1606
01:19:30,066 --> 01:19:31,334
Okay.
1607
01:19:33,036 --> 01:19:34,037
(SIGHS)
1608
01:19:34,637 --> 01:19:35,771
Bye.
1609
01:19:38,674 --> 01:19:40,709
WAYNE: He's here!
Hey, Darren?
1610
01:19:40,776 --> 01:19:41,845
Sandy, hi.
Look, I can...
1611
01:19:41,911 --> 01:19:45,381
Darren! Sorry.
Darren, look, uh...
1612
01:19:45,448 --> 01:19:47,250
I understand that
you're really upset,
1613
01:19:47,316 --> 01:19:49,853
and I probably look like
a really big asshole, but I...
1614
01:19:49,919 --> 01:19:52,255
J.D.: Dude? Dude!
1615
01:19:52,321 --> 01:19:55,624
Dude.
Okay. I deserved that.
1616
01:19:55,691 --> 01:19:57,493
But now, let me explain...
1617
01:20:02,365 --> 01:20:06,635
Okay, I guess
I deserved that one, too,
but now we're even, okay?
1618
01:20:06,702 --> 01:20:07,770
(GRUNTS)
1619
01:20:09,472 --> 01:20:10,773
(SCREAMING)
1620
01:20:10,840 --> 01:20:13,409
Darren, stop!
1621
01:20:13,476 --> 01:20:15,378
We only did it
because we love you.
1622
01:20:15,444 --> 01:20:17,413
Oh, right.
Because you love me.
1623
01:20:17,480 --> 01:20:20,116
Oh.
Yeah, man. Come on.
Give me a hug.
1624
01:20:20,583 --> 01:20:21,717
(SHOUTING)
1625
01:20:27,456 --> 01:20:29,358
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
1626
01:20:29,425 --> 01:20:30,693
(SOBBING)
1627
01:20:33,897 --> 01:20:36,199
Freeze! Freeze!
Don't move!
1628
01:20:45,441 --> 01:20:46,675
Darren!
1629
01:20:48,177 --> 01:20:50,846
Don't think that my presence
here means I've forgiven you.
1630
01:20:50,914 --> 01:20:54,017
I... I just wanted to
tell you guys, in person,
1631
01:20:54,083 --> 01:20:56,886
that Judith and I are
getting married tomorrow.
1632
01:20:56,953 --> 01:20:59,788
You don't wanna
marry Judith! Admit it.
1633
01:20:59,855 --> 01:21:02,658
Of course I do.
Okay.
1634
01:21:02,725 --> 01:21:04,793
Then look into
my eyes and say it.
1635
01:21:05,661 --> 01:21:07,396
I wanna marry Judith.
1636
01:21:07,463 --> 01:21:10,934
Look into both our eyes
at the same time and say it.
1637
01:21:12,101 --> 01:21:15,004
I'm out of here.
Darren!
1638
01:21:15,071 --> 01:21:18,241
Come on.
We're sorry, okay?
1639
01:21:18,307 --> 01:21:20,176
What we did was wrong.
1640
01:21:24,213 --> 01:21:26,015
We gotta stop
that wedding.
1641
01:21:26,082 --> 01:21:27,483
Dude, how?
1642
01:21:28,952 --> 01:21:32,956
Let's go, you maggots!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
1643
01:21:33,022 --> 01:21:35,491
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
1644
01:21:35,558 --> 01:21:38,561
Hello!
Hey, Coach.
Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.
1645
01:21:38,627 --> 01:21:41,530
Look, we need your help.
I'd do anything for you boys.
1646
01:21:41,597 --> 01:21:43,933
You're like sons to me.
Name it, you got it.
1647
01:21:44,000 --> 01:21:46,135
Well, we need you
to post bail for us.
1648
01:21:46,202 --> 01:21:48,004
It's, uh,
10,000 apiece.
1649
01:21:48,071 --> 01:21:53,109
No way!
Come on, Coach.
We need your help.
1650
01:21:53,176 --> 01:21:55,344
Jail life is real tough.
They're...
1651
01:21:56,179 --> 01:21:57,947
Sodomizing us in here.
1652
01:21:58,014 --> 01:22:00,083
What?
They're cornholing you?
1653
01:22:00,149 --> 01:22:02,451
Yeah.
Oh, my God,
that's horrible.
1654
01:22:02,518 --> 01:22:04,587
Don't worry about it.
I'll get you out of there.
1655
01:22:05,888 --> 01:22:07,123
You got sodomized?
1656
01:22:07,190 --> 01:22:08,657
Who? I want to meet him.
1657
01:22:11,360 --> 01:22:13,362
(TRUCK BACKING UP)
What is that?
1658
01:22:13,429 --> 01:22:15,531
Sounds kinda like my truck.
1659
01:22:16,199 --> 01:22:17,433
Yeah.
1660
01:22:18,667 --> 01:22:19,935
(BOTH SCREAMING)
1661
01:22:22,405 --> 01:22:25,008
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
1662
01:22:25,074 --> 01:22:27,876
Get the lead out, boys!
Hut, hut, hut!
1663
01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:30,279
Come on. Move it!
Ha, ha!
1664
01:22:30,346 --> 01:22:33,216
You're free!
Now, where to, boys?
1665
01:22:33,282 --> 01:22:34,283
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1666
01:22:34,350 --> 01:22:35,551
J.D.: Go left!
1667
01:22:35,618 --> 01:22:38,287
COACH:
Yee-ha! Charge!
1668
01:22:39,522 --> 01:22:41,324
(ORGAN PLAYING)
1669
01:22:41,390 --> 01:22:45,061
Sandy Perkus,
do you vow to lead a life
1670
01:22:45,128 --> 01:22:49,665
of poverty, chastity,
obedience and silence?
1671
01:22:49,732 --> 01:22:52,735
Wait! Wait!
1672
01:22:52,801 --> 01:22:55,704
Uh, sorry.
Sandy... Sandy...
1673
01:22:55,771 --> 01:22:58,074
Sandy,
look you can't do this.
1674
01:22:58,141 --> 01:23:00,576
You love Darren, right?
Well, yeah.
1675
01:23:00,643 --> 01:23:03,212
Well, Darren loves you.
Really?
1676
01:23:03,279 --> 01:23:05,981
Darren's her boyfriend,
but he's got this other
girlfriend,
1677
01:23:06,049 --> 01:23:07,450
and he's gettin' ma...
1678
01:23:07,516 --> 01:23:09,152
Look, so what
are you gonna do?
1679
01:23:11,054 --> 01:23:13,489
Go, my child.
1680
01:23:13,556 --> 01:23:16,659
Okay.
Come on!
We've got a wedding to crash!
1681
01:23:16,725 --> 01:23:20,296
J.D.: Go, go, go, go!
SANDY: Bye, everybody!
1682
01:23:21,230 --> 01:23:22,698
Damn!
1683
01:23:22,765 --> 01:23:23,866
Lost another one.
1684
01:23:23,932 --> 01:23:25,301
Son of a bitch.
1685
01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:38,747
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1686
01:23:40,483 --> 01:23:42,618
Oh, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
1687
01:23:42,685 --> 01:23:45,188
Oh, here.
We got you some clothes.
1688
01:23:45,254 --> 01:23:48,891
Uh, where
did you get these?
1689
01:23:48,957 --> 01:23:51,294
Uh, J.D.'s sister.
She's a stripper.
1690
01:23:51,360 --> 01:23:53,329
And a hooker.
Oh.
1691
01:24:10,379 --> 01:24:11,847
Let's go. Go.
1692
01:24:16,752 --> 01:24:19,588
Oh, my gosh.
Neil Diamond!
1693
01:24:19,655 --> 01:24:21,324
What the hell
is going on?
1694
01:24:21,390 --> 01:24:22,891
Neil, let me explain.
1695
01:24:22,958 --> 01:24:25,294
You're the guys who've
been sending me all
those letters...
1696
01:24:25,361 --> 01:24:27,230
And tapes...
And naked pictures.
1697
01:24:27,296 --> 01:24:31,033
What? We never sent you
any naked pictures.
1698
01:24:31,100 --> 01:24:32,601
Dude.
Sorry.
1699
01:24:32,668 --> 01:24:35,871
Look, Mr. Diamond,
you gotta help us save
our buddy, Darren.
1700
01:24:35,938 --> 01:24:37,373
He's gonna marry
the wrong woman.
1701
01:24:37,440 --> 01:24:39,775
Look, Sandy and Darren,
they broke up.
1702
01:24:39,842 --> 01:24:42,077
Love on the rocks.
Ain't no big surprise.
1703
01:24:42,145 --> 01:24:44,079
But you gotta help us
get them back together.
1704
01:24:44,147 --> 01:24:45,448
I don't know.
1705
01:24:45,514 --> 01:24:47,850
Come on Neil, turn on
your heart light.
1706
01:24:47,916 --> 01:24:51,354
Judith brainwashed him.
Darren was in love with me,
but I never knew it.
1707
01:24:51,420 --> 01:24:54,190
(ALL CHATTERING)
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
1708
01:24:54,257 --> 01:24:56,792
Hold on!
And did I mention I was gay?
1709
01:24:56,859 --> 01:25:00,296
I've spent my whole life
writing songs about the
healing power of love.
1710
01:25:00,363 --> 01:25:03,432
But, up until right now,
they've only been words.
1711
01:25:03,499 --> 01:25:07,436
This may be my chance
to prove that those words
really mean something.
1712
01:25:07,503 --> 01:25:09,738
Now, you say that
if Darren marries...
1713
01:25:09,805 --> 01:25:12,275
ALL: Judith.
Judith he's gonna
be miserable.
1714
01:25:12,341 --> 01:25:15,178
ALL: Right.
I believe in happy endings.
1715
01:25:15,244 --> 01:25:17,580
And if Neil Diamond has
anything to do with it,
1716
01:25:17,646 --> 01:25:19,848
this love story's
gonna have one.
1717
01:25:19,915 --> 01:25:22,285
BOTH: Come on! Yeah! Ha!
1718
01:25:22,351 --> 01:25:24,587
We got Neil Diamond
on board! All right!
1719
01:25:24,653 --> 01:25:26,222
Where are we goin'?
1720
01:25:26,289 --> 01:25:28,757
The park on America Avenue.
1721
01:25:28,824 --> 01:25:31,093
Five-oh!
What?
1722
01:25:31,160 --> 01:25:33,329
Cops! Caprice.
Five cars back.
1723
01:25:33,396 --> 01:25:38,467
Goddamn heat.
One little prison break
and they're all over you.
1724
01:25:38,534 --> 01:25:42,871
Whoa, Coach. Whoa.
No matter what happens to me,
don't look back.
1725
01:25:42,938 --> 01:25:46,074
Just get this sweet little gal
to the man who loves her.
Pronto!
1726
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:48,344
I'd rather be cut down
in a hail of gunfire
1727
01:25:48,411 --> 01:25:50,579
than to go back
to the big house.
1728
01:25:50,646 --> 01:25:52,481
Nice meetin' you,
Mr. Diamond.
1729
01:25:53,716 --> 01:25:54,917
Hey! Wha...
1730
01:25:54,983 --> 01:25:56,084
(GROANING)
1731
01:25:56,151 --> 01:25:57,186
( COMING TO AMERICA
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
1732
01:25:57,253 --> 01:25:59,054
* Far
1733
01:25:59,121 --> 01:26:01,156
* We've been traveling far
1734
01:26:01,224 --> 01:26:02,458
Coach, look out!
1735
01:26:03,426 --> 01:26:04,627
(SHOUTING)
1736
01:26:04,693 --> 01:26:07,029
(SCREAMING)
They're not cops!
1737
01:26:07,095 --> 01:26:09,965
* But not without a star
1738
01:26:10,032 --> 01:26:11,967
* Today
1739
01:26:12,034 --> 01:26:13,736
Hey, we're comin'
to America.
1740
01:26:13,802 --> 01:26:15,238
* Today
1741
01:26:15,304 --> 01:26:18,241
* They're coming
to America today *
1742
01:26:19,775 --> 01:26:22,044
PRIEST:
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
1743
01:26:22,110 --> 01:26:23,879
To join Darren Silverman
1744
01:26:23,946 --> 01:26:27,850
and Judith Fessbeggler
in holy matrimony.
1745
01:26:27,916 --> 01:26:30,886
If anyone has any
objections, speak now.
1746
01:26:30,953 --> 01:26:32,455
I do!
ALL: What?
1747
01:26:33,155 --> 01:26:34,590
Neil?
1748
01:26:34,657 --> 01:26:39,828
* Hello, my friends, hello
1749
01:26:39,895 --> 01:26:43,232
Neil!
Neil. Get to the part
where we say, "I do."
1750
01:26:43,299 --> 01:26:47,002
* It's good to need you so
1751
01:26:48,371 --> 01:26:52,508
* It's good to love you
1752
01:26:53,642 --> 01:26:55,110
* Like I do
1753
01:26:56,078 --> 01:26:58,046
* And to feel this way
1754
01:26:59,748 --> 01:27:01,884
* When I hear you say
1755
01:27:03,352 --> 01:27:04,787
* Hello
1756
01:27:04,853 --> 01:27:08,724
* Hello, my friends, hello
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
1757
01:27:08,791 --> 01:27:10,859
Say, "I do."
No.
1758
01:27:10,926 --> 01:27:12,661
Say, "I do."
1759
01:27:12,728 --> 01:27:15,130
I can't because I...
1760
01:27:15,197 --> 01:27:17,966
* I think about you
1761
01:27:18,033 --> 01:27:20,068
I love Neil and
1762
01:27:20,135 --> 01:27:21,670
I love Sandy.
1763
01:27:21,737 --> 01:27:23,706
(CROWD GASPS)
1764
01:27:23,772 --> 01:27:25,308
You're in love
with this slut?
1765
01:27:25,374 --> 01:27:28,076
I am not a slut.
1766
01:27:28,143 --> 01:27:30,546
Sandy is my
one-and-only someone.
1767
01:27:31,146 --> 01:27:32,415
* Hello
1768
01:27:40,289 --> 01:27:41,324
Oh!
1769
01:27:44,092 --> 01:27:45,461
What about me?
1770
01:27:46,228 --> 01:27:48,230
Who's my someone?
1771
01:27:48,297 --> 01:27:52,668
* Hello again, hello
1772
01:27:55,404 --> 01:27:59,742
* It's good to need you so
1773
01:28:01,877 --> 01:28:03,946
* I think
1774
01:28:04,012 --> 01:28:05,414
(CROWD GASPS)
1775
01:28:06,382 --> 01:28:09,084
You ruined my life!
1776
01:28:09,151 --> 01:28:11,153
(GROANS)
But I saved Darren's!
1777
01:28:11,219 --> 01:28:14,790
Just because I lost
Darren doesn't mean
I'm crazy enough
1778
01:28:14,857 --> 01:28:16,359
to hook up with you!
1779
01:28:16,425 --> 01:28:18,193
(SHOUTING)
1780
01:28:18,260 --> 01:28:19,528
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
1781
01:28:21,196 --> 01:28:23,399
Hey! Why can't you
just admit
1782
01:28:23,466 --> 01:28:25,534
that when you
kissed me you liked it?
1783
01:28:25,601 --> 01:28:28,471
You're right.
I have a weakness for
incompetent morons.
1784
01:28:29,505 --> 01:28:30,706
(CROWD GASPING)
1785
01:28:37,480 --> 01:28:39,214
Admit it!
1786
01:28:39,281 --> 01:28:40,516
(GROANS)
1787
01:28:40,583 --> 01:28:43,986
I'm the strong-willed,
assertive man that you need,
1788
01:28:44,052 --> 01:28:47,356
and you're the hardcore bitch
that I've always dreamed of.
1789
01:28:47,423 --> 01:28:48,891
(CHOKING)
1790
01:28:48,957 --> 01:28:50,158
(GASPING)
1791
01:28:50,225 --> 01:28:51,660
(GRUNTING)
1792
01:28:52,695 --> 01:28:54,997
* And I know it's late
1793
01:28:56,164 --> 01:28:58,567
* But I just couldn't wait
1794
01:28:59,802 --> 01:29:01,136
* Hello
1795
01:29:03,872 --> 01:29:05,207
(GRUNTS)
1796
01:29:08,343 --> 01:29:10,078
What about you?
1797
01:29:10,145 --> 01:29:11,414
When are you
gonna get hitched?
1798
01:29:11,480 --> 01:29:13,516
Actually, I'm not.
I'm gay.
1799
01:29:14,783 --> 01:29:16,251
Me, too.
1800
01:29:16,318 --> 01:29:18,286
Really?
1801
01:29:18,353 --> 01:29:21,156
By the power vested in me
by the state of Washington,
1802
01:29:21,223 --> 01:29:24,159
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1803
01:29:24,226 --> 01:29:26,128
You may kiss the bride.
1804
01:29:28,664 --> 01:29:31,600
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1805
01:29:31,667 --> 01:29:33,268
You may kiss the bride.
1806
01:29:36,204 --> 01:29:39,875
I now pronounce you
man and man.
1807
01:29:39,942 --> 01:29:41,477
You may kiss the man.
1808
01:29:42,210 --> 01:29:44,079
( WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
1809
01:29:45,848 --> 01:29:47,650
(CROWD CHEERING)
1810
01:29:51,920 --> 01:29:53,188
( HOLLY HOLY
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
1811
01:29:53,255 --> 01:29:54,490
* Sing
1812
01:29:58,093 --> 01:29:59,327
* Sing
1813
01:30:03,098 --> 01:30:04,467
* Sing
1814
01:30:04,533 --> 01:30:06,134
Come on.
We need you for this one!
1815
01:30:06,201 --> 01:30:07,603
(CHEERING)
1816
01:30:07,670 --> 01:30:08,771
* Sing
1817
01:30:08,837 --> 01:30:10,172
* Sing a song
1818
01:30:12,741 --> 01:30:15,077
* Sing
* Sing a song of songs
1819
01:30:15,143 --> 01:30:17,379
* Sing
1820
01:30:17,446 --> 01:30:19,515
* Sing
* Sing it out
1821
01:30:21,416 --> 01:30:22,985
* Sing it strong
* Sing it
1822
01:30:23,051 --> 01:30:24,653
Yeah.
* Sing it
1823
01:30:24,720 --> 01:30:27,022
Yeah. Yeah!
* Sing it, sing it
1824
01:30:27,089 --> 01:30:28,423
* Yeah
1825
01:30:32,094 --> 01:30:33,496
* Yeah
1826
01:30:37,365 --> 01:30:40,503
* Call the sun
in the dead of night
1827
01:30:40,569 --> 01:30:43,806
* And the sun's
gonna rise in the sky
1828
01:30:43,872 --> 01:30:46,742
* Sun's gonna rise
1829
01:30:46,809 --> 01:30:49,912
* Touch a man
who can't walk upright
1830
01:30:49,978 --> 01:30:53,315
* And that lame man,
he's gonna fly
1831
01:30:53,381 --> 01:30:56,852
* He's gonna fly
* And I fly
1832
01:30:56,919 --> 01:30:59,421
* Fly
* Yeah
1833
01:30:59,488 --> 01:31:01,323
* Yeah, and I fly
1834
01:31:05,460 --> 01:31:08,597
* Holly holy love
1835
01:31:14,737 --> 01:31:18,306
* Dream of only you
1836
01:31:24,212 --> 01:31:27,415
* Holly holy, Holly
1837
01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:29,552
* Holy song
1838
01:31:33,421 --> 01:31:36,625
* Holly holy, Holly
1839
01:31:37,359 --> 01:31:41,764
* Holy rain
1840
01:31:49,171 --> 01:31:50,739
Yeah.
1841
01:31:53,742 --> 01:31:54,743
Yeah.
1842
01:31:58,113 --> 01:31:59,782
(AUDIENCE ROARING)
1843
01:32:04,286 --> 01:32:05,621
( I BELIEVE IN HAPPY ENDINGS
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
1844
01:32:05,688 --> 01:32:08,924
* I believe in happy endings
1845
01:32:11,760 --> 01:32:16,031
* Starry skies
and dreams come true
1846
01:32:18,033 --> 01:32:22,571
* I've believed it
since I first met you
1847
01:32:30,378 --> 01:32:34,416
* I believe in new beginnings
1848
01:32:36,318 --> 01:32:40,522
* Extra innings,
brand new starts
1849
01:32:42,124 --> 01:32:46,561
* Loving hearts that care
the way I do
1850
01:32:53,035 --> 01:32:57,606
* All these things
and happy endings, too
1851
01:33:04,613 --> 01:33:09,451
* Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
1852
01:33:16,324 --> 01:33:20,763
* Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
1853
01:33:23,098 --> 01:33:25,901
* And I choose to be there
1854
01:33:25,968 --> 01:33:29,772
* So that I can declare why
1855
01:33:31,473 --> 01:33:35,443
* I believe in happy endings
1856
01:33:37,112 --> 01:33:42,050
* You're the reason,
love's the way
1857
01:33:42,117 --> 01:33:46,588
* And I'll believe it
till my dying day
1858
01:33:54,162 --> 01:33:58,300
* I know the cost
of tears and trouble
1859
01:33:59,902 --> 01:34:04,907
* Some get lost,
some make it through
1860
01:34:04,973 --> 01:34:09,344
* Me, I made it
'cause I always knew
1861
01:34:15,851 --> 01:34:20,422
* That you believed in
happy endings, too
1862
01:34:55,357 --> 01:35:00,195
* Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
1863
01:35:06,568 --> 01:35:11,039
* Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
1864
01:35:13,208 --> 01:35:15,911
* And I choose to be there
1865
01:35:15,978 --> 01:35:20,015
* So that I can declare that
1866
01:35:21,549 --> 01:35:26,554
* I know the cost
of tears and troubles
1867
01:35:26,621 --> 01:35:31,426
* I got lost
but I got through
1868
01:35:31,493 --> 01:35:35,831
* And I made it
'cause I always knew
1869
01:35:42,404 --> 01:35:46,975
* That you believed in
happy endings, too
1870
01:35:53,849 --> 01:35:56,151
* You and me
1871
01:35:56,218 --> 01:35:59,788
* And happy endings
1872
01:36:02,457 --> 01:36:05,427
* Too
120544
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