Original subtitles

♪ Every time that I'm with Susie my heart grows ♪

♪ I'm looking at her longingly ♪

♪ But she doesn't know ♪

♪ Well today that all ends ♪

♪ I'm gonna make my move ♪

♪ I'm finally gonna say something ♪

Can we turn this off?

These old movies are, like,

impossible for me to connect with.

Huh? Yeah, totally. They...

they were different times.

So, uh, what should we do now?

- You want to wrestle? - Huh?

We can do shirts versed skins.

I call shirts.

I'm just kidding.

You can be shirts.

You know, that sounds fun, but it's getting late.

I think I'm gonna go.

Thank you so much for helping me fix my computer, though.

Hey, ju... just think of me as... as your IT guy.

Oh. Oh, God!

- Ooh! - Really? Wrestling?

- Oh, come on. - What was even supposed

to happen? I-I don't understand.

Like, you guys wrestle and then what?

You just, like, accidentally make out?

You know what? I don't have to defend myself

to you guys, okay?

Maybe it wasn't the smoothest move in the world, but...

- Yeah, you can say that again. - Why don't we just agree

to never talk about this again, okay?

- Shirts versus skins? - Goddamn it!

I get a message from one of my analysts

telling me our human subject finally has a woman in his home

and I think, "Fantastic.

I'll get to see what love looks like on Earth."

But instead, it's just more of the same

desperate, pathetic groveling.

Okay, look, there's no need to be disrespectful here.

I do feel like I'm making some good progress

and slowly wearing Linda down, okay?

We've had enough waiting, Jeff.

We want to see some action.

Species who are not capable of love

are a threat to the harmony of the galaxy.

- Everybody knows that. - What? No, no, no, no.

We're totally capable of love. That's not the problem.

You know what the problem is?

I think I've been putting a little too much pressure

on myself to make this happen and that's mak...

If you don't close the deal with Linda,

we're gonna blow up your planet.

Come on! What the [bleep]?

Don't you guys worry that if you keep making

the same threat all the time I might go numb to it, huh?

Well, if it's all the same to you,

we'll just blow it up right now.

Oh, [bleep], no, no, no, no, no.

Please, please no. I'm not numb to it.

Wait, no, no, not numb. Not numb.

You have 50 days.

God, what an asshole.

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪

♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪

♪ And here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪

♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait, what?

- Hey, Linda. - Aah! Jeff.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just curious.

What are you up to tonight?

Huh? Say, uh, 7:30.

Um, I don't... I don't have any plans, why?

Cool, cool. 'Cause I was just thinking,

you know, no pressure, but it might be fun

if you and I right now went to Paris.

- What? - Yeah, I just saw that they had

really low fares and I just thought, "Why not?"

Life is short, you know?

Honestly, Jeff, you're...

you're kind of putting me in an uncomfortable position here.

I don't know, I mean, maybe I haven't been clear.

Sure, there was a spark between us once.

And what a spark, huh? What a spark!

And I was really hoping maybe we could still stay friends,

but maybe it's best for both of us

if we just don't hang out for a while.

Okay. Totally get it, yeah.

What about Wednesday? What are you doing then?

No, Jeff. I mean, like, a long time.

Like, maybe forever.

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

You know, I think the problem is, you didn't go big enough.

How about you take her on this luxury cruise to Bali?

Oh, it's hopeless. It's over.

Everyone's gonna die

and it's all because I have zero game.

You couldn't have less game than me, Jeff.

But I still found a way to go steady

with the girl of my dreams.

I just needed a little help from love goggles.

Okay, love goggles, huh?

I'm listening.

Her name was Zarga.

We were lifeguards at a fancy Slorgian resort.

And every day around lunchtime she would come up to me

and say in the sweetest, most exquisite voice

you've ever heard, "Hey, Ted, wanna go get some lunch?"

That was the best part of my day because...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, come on.

Let... let's... let's stay on track here.

What about the love goggles, okay?

What do they do and how are they gonna help?

Well, Jeff, the way they work is,

they'll show you how you destroyed the love

that Linda had for you.

There was a whole context that I guess you're not inter...

Jeff, you want to go to the gym with me?

- It could be good for you. - What?

That's the whole point of being in a relationship.

You can let yourself go and no matter what,

you still love each other. Right?

Whew. What a day.

Thanks for offering to make dinner, baby.

What are we having?

Uh, just a sec.

Um, uh, oh.

Oh, hey.

We're... we're having...

cheese bowl with potato chips.

♪ We never want to grow up ♪

♪ Slam shots until we grow up ♪

Jeff, we're gonna be late for the ballet.

The ballet? Uh, okay.

Let me break it down for you. The ballet is for losers.

And you don't want to spend your birthday

with a bunch of losers, do you?

No, Jeff.

Oh, my God.

I mean, no wonder she doesn't want to be with me.

Thank you. Thank you guys so much

for helping me see all my flaws.

All your flaws? We're just getting started.

We got five more hours just in the first...

No, no, that's not necessary.

I think I got the gist.

I just gotta fix every single part of myself, that's all.

And voila, mes amis, you open ze oven,

and ze goose should be moist and bursting with flavor.

Oh.

Mmm, oh, my God, this turmeric is out of this world.

Oh, you got any fresh kohlrabi?

- Jeff? - Oh, Linda.

I thought this place was my little secret.

You look great.

You know, it's weird. People keep saying that.

I mean, it's like did I not look good before or something?

No, no, no, no. That's not what I meant.

Oh, you know what? I actually thought about you the other day.

- You did? - I went to see

that modern Slovenian ballet troupe at the Independent.

The choreography was so cutting edge,

it made Pina Bausch look like George Balanchine, I'm serious.

Oh, my God, I read about it.

It sounded amazing.

You know, I think I should apologize, Jeff.

I feel like the last time I saw you, I was really hard on you.

Oh, please. I think we can both agree

I used to be a bit of a knucklehead, right?

Hey, I got an idea.

I just bought way too much amazing organic produce.

Why don't I whip us up a little something?

We can crack open this earthy priorat

and let the past be the past.

You cook?

Mmm, this is amazing.

Oh, it's nothing. I just spatchcocked it,

brined it, and basted it in a little caramelized demi-glace.

Couldn't have been more simple.

Jeff, I am not gonna lie.

I am seriously impressed.

This was fun. I should probably go.

I've got to get up early tomorrow.

It's a legs day.

Why don't you just make it a legs night?

Yeah! Whoo! I did it!

And with five days to spare! Yeah!

- Whoo! - All right! Yeah, buddy!

Thank you, thank you. Really.

You know, it was insanely stressful,

but I guess the threat of a mass holocaust

was exactly what I need to hit the gym and all that [bleep].

- Aah! - Congratulations, Jeff.

When's the wedding?

You crazy aliens. Oh.

See, those are the kinds of questions

I'm not even thinking about anymore.

Because I'm just gonna enjoy this and...

What? No, you have to get married.

- What? - I clearly stated

that you have to close the deal. That means marriage.

I mean, come on, do I have to spell everything out for you?

- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. - So now, Jeff,

- I'm going to say good-bye. - Just listen, don't cut me off

this time, just let me... don't cut me off, do not cut me off.

Which means our conversation is over.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh!

Seriously, that guy is the worst.

Come on, right this way. Just a little bit further.

Hey, you know why I think

we're working so well this time around?

- Why is that? - Because we're taking it slow.

We're not trying to put labels on anything.

No labels?

Excuse me.

Get... get out of here! Get out of here!

- Huh? - You know what?

I just realized we're on the wrong mountain.

Wait, what?

The view here sucks, so what do you say we turn around, huh?

We've been hiking for, like, three hours.

Let's at least just take a look.

No, no, no, no. No need to look around, okay?

Jeff, stop. Let me see what's...

Just come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh, no.

That's crazy.

Somebody must be proposing to another person named Linda here.

Oh, damn. I forgot about that part.

Oh, Jeff. You always want something more,

yet you can't just be happy in the moment.

I guess we're just on very different pages.

No, no, no, no, no. We're on the same page, I swear.

Shut the [bleep] up!

I want to take things slow too, all right?

We don't have to get married today.

Just sometime in the next, uh, four days.

We're [bleep], we're [bleep]. She dumped me.

We're all gonna die, we're all gonna [bleep] die.

You know, Zarga wouldn't marry me either.

She said I was too creepy.

Well, I showed her.

I bought some black market parts

so my goggles would suck the love out of other couples.

Then I pumped their love into her,

so she had no choice but to love me.

Soon, I had my sweetheart back in my loving arms.

And I cuddled her and snuggled her all night

like a sweet little bird.

My sweet little bird.

Whoa, okay, that is by far the creepiest thing

I've ever heard in my life.

But I guess I don't really have any other options, do I?

I can't think of any.

Mmm, I love you so much, honey.

I just didn't know life could be this good.

Huh?

We may not have money, but we'll be okay

because we're rich in love.

Damn it, I can't do this.

- Huh? - What the [bleep], Stinger?

You can't solve all your problems

by throwing bottles at 'em!

Shut your mouth, you lousy bitch!

Hey, Sammy, quick question.

Relationships that are, uh, not necessarily the best,

those still have love in them that can be sucked out, right?

Uh, yeah, yeah. You... you probably need

a lot more couples, but that should work.

I'd be freeing them, right? I mean,

I'd actually be doing something good.

Hey, Jeff, I gotta go, I don't want to burn my chicken breasts.

I spent all day marinating them, and I really don't want

to mess these up.

Oh.

Oh, come on.

Why don't you let Stinger pound that ass

and make everything better?

Not this time, Stinger. Not this time.

Should we get the chickpeas or the kidney beans?

Well, we both know you're only asking me so you can disagree.

Oh, now stop that [bleep], honey.

Linda, we need to talk.

Jeff, listen.

Can I just ask you one question?

What?

Will you marry me... tomorrow?

Jeff, of course! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, thank God!

This is great!

Congratulations, you two.

I couldn't help but overhear.

- Oh, thank you. - You think I'm blind?

I saw the way you looked at her ass.

- Huh? - You want to [bleep] her, Jeff?

- Excuse me? - Excuse me?

Excuse me? My name's Jeff

and I can't keep my dick in my pants.

Wait, wait, wait. What's going on?

Okay, you... you know what?

I-I think I-I may have made a mistake.

- Give me those stupid things. - Aah!

This first thing I'm gonna do is teach you how to dress.

No! Oh!

Now are you ready to plan the perfect wedding? Muah.

Oh, you broke my love goggles?

Great, now I'll be a bachelor for life.

She broke them. She's totally out of control.

Well, you filled her up with the worst kind

of garbage love you could find. What did you expect?

What do you mean? Sammy told me it was okay.

Well, what do I know? I don't use machines

to pick up chicks, okay? I'm not some weird loser.

Don't you see, Jeff?

Now she's riddled with all their issues,

baggage, and abusive neuroses.

But congrats on the wedding.

What are you doing in there?

Are you talking to one of your sluts?

What? No. No, darling.

I don't have any sluts.

Baby, I'm sorry, I just... aah!

Jeff!

- Huh? - Dude, I just saw

the Facebook invite. You're getting married?

- That's awesome. - Honestly, dude,

we always thought you were just kinda wasting your time

with Linda 'cause she's just so far out of your league.

Thanks, guys. I feel really lucky.

Whoa! What happened to your eye?

Oh, this? Oh, it's nothing.

I accidentally hit the door on my face this morning.

You know me.

Just a big, clumsy idiot.

Oh, okay.

Well, it's happening so fast.

You're not even going to have a bachelor party?

We could totally do one afterwards, man.

My cousin Stacy's a stripper and she's really good at it.

- Jeff! - Oh, hello, my love.

We need to talk.

- Oh, someone's in the doghouse! - Oh, oh, yeah, Jeff.

- Better watch out, you're gonna... - Oh!

Five times.

I told you five times

to make sure they didn't write the nametags in cursive.

Nobody can [bleep] read this, Jeff.

Oh, gosh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

I-I thought I remembered to tell them.

Baby, the only reason I'm getting mad

is because I really love you.

And I want to have a great wedding.

Do you want to have a great wedding, Jeff?

Yes, yes, of course I do. More than anything.

Then stop [bleep] everything up!

Because if there is one more screw-up,

one more, the wedding is off.

Wow, I really goofed that up, huh, guys?

Sir, the Earth wedding is about to begin

in viewing room C.

Ah, yes, uh, "Joff," is it?

Let's see how humans go about their sacred day of love.

No, no, no, no, no. What are you doing, huh?

She hates tulips. She wanted peonies.

We went over this!

I'm sorry, sir. They were out.

And, you know, since they're similar colors, we thought...

Similar? Oh, okay.

How about instead of money, I pay you in scrap paper?

'Cause that's similar too, you [bleep] idiot!

Uh, yes, sir.

I'll make sure to find some peonies.

Yeah, you do that because my wife is extremely volatile,

and if this wedding isn't perfect,

everybody is going to die. Do you understand that?

Do you [bleep] understand that?

Believe it or not, sir, you're being a lot more level-headed

than the last groom I had to deal with.

Okay, gotta check the seating arrangements.

- I need to make sure... - Jeff, we gotta talk.

- Not now, guys. - Listen to us!

- You cannot marry this girl. - We're your friends.

And we can tell this is a really sick relationship.

No, no, no, no. You... you don't understand, okay?

The reason Linda has been so upset is actually all my fault.

Stop saying that!

You gotta break out of this victim mentality, dude.

I will, but first I gotta go double check the playlist

and make sure there's nothing with any horns in it

because they really set Linda off.

♪ Found my answer ♪

♪ Harmony ♪

White socks?

You want Linda to have a meltdown?

- Huh? - I had a feeling

something like this would happen.

Here, put these on.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to celebrate the beautiful union of Jeff and Linda.

The bride has asked to perform

a traditional Gaelic ribbon ceremony.

The groom will now present the heirloom ribbons.

The ribbons?

You didn't forget the ribbons, did you, Jeff?

I dropped them off at the cleaners to make sure

they'd be perfect for you,

but I've just been scrambling around

to do so much that I must have...

You [bleep] idiot!

Oh, Linda.

Isn't she funny, folks? She's just joking, yeah.

We have a really edgy sense of humor.

It's one of the things that really binds us.

Do you really expect me to spend the rest of my life

with the kind of moron who can't even remember the ribbons?

I don't feel taken care of, Jeff.

I'm sorry, everybody,

- the wedding is off. - What?

I can't believe "Joff" forgot the ribbons.

Well if this is what love looks like on Earth,

we'd be doing them a great service

by wiping them off the galaxy. Fire up the death ray.

Wait! Linda, don't you see?

The way you humiliate and insult me

just proves how deep your love for me is.

That's one of the classic ways we humans express our love,

as we all know.

Wait, let him finish.

That is so stupid.

No wonder you've had a minimum wage job

for, like, 15 years.

You see? You would never dream

of talking to a stranger like that.

You would show them basic human decency and respect.

But since I'm so special to you,

you take the time to really cut me down to the core of my being.

And that's a beautiful thing. And the part that move...

Okay, okay, okay, shut up.

I'll marry you. Just stop boring everyone.

- Yes! - Uh, are you sure?

I mean, this decision should not be taken lightly.

Just do it, asshole!

Very well.

Do you take each other to be man and wife?

- I do. - I do.

Oh, my Jeffy!

You mark my words. This love is real.

And this marriage is gonna last.

- Congratulations, "Joff." - Nice job, buddy.

- Thanks. - So moving.

I love weddings.

I guess at the end of the day,

I'm just an old-fashioned romantic.

Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but we have another genocide scheduled is star cluster X7.

Oh, goodie.

Okay, guys, now how do I get Linda back to normal?

Ted, what happened with you and Zarga?

Well, I think I may have pumped her full

of too much love, Jeff.

I was all she cared and thought about.

I knew the right thing to do

was suck the love back out of her and free her,

but I couldn't bring myself to do it

because she was my sweet little bird.

Then one day, I missed a call from her

and she must have taken it personally or something,

because I came home...

and she was dead!

She was dead, Jeff, and it was all my fault!

What the [bleep]?

I can't believe I let you advise me on anything ever.

Here you go, Jeff.

Whoa, whoa. You... you can do that?

- Yeah. - That's crazy.

I-I thought this was just like an alien video chat thing.

These are gonna suck all the love Linda has for you forever.

- So there's no going back. - Oh, God.

Isn't there some other way to get her to stop loving me?

You could always try that wrestling move again.

That'll probably do the trick. Am I right, guys?

- Sammy. - Don't leave me hanging.

Hey there. Uh...

Get yourself hard and wait in the bed.

Well, Linda, that sounds really nice,

but, uh, I think we may have rushed into this.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

What the [bleep] are you talking about?

You can't break up with me.

We just dragged my grandfather

out of a nursing home in Minneapolis.

Linda, we keep trying all these ways to make us work,

but deep down, you and I both know

we don't belong together. I'm sorry.

I can't believe you're a divorcee now.

That sounds so continental.

You know, I could have gone after her for half of her stuff,

- but I-I took the high road. - What a gentleman.

Oh, I just can't stop thinking about her, guys.

How am I gonna get through this?

Hey, why don't we all just curl up and watch some TV?

♪ Now that I'm in love ♪

♪ Life is joy and mirth ♪

♪ Because being alone is like hell on earth ♪

♪ Oh every minute alone is like a knife in the heart ♪

♪ That keeps stabbing for eternity and only gets worse ♪

♪ And the only release is death itself ♪

Guys, let's... let's see what else is on.

♪ Oh I'd rather be dead than alone ♪

Cut.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

You're not even going to have a bachelor party?

We could totally do one afterwards, man.

My cousin Stacy's a stripper and she's really good at it.

- Jeff! - Oh, hello, my love.

We need to talk.

- Oh, someone's in the doghouse. - Oh, oh, yeah, Jeff.

- Better watch out, you're gonna... - Oh!