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I saw on Facebook that Tom O'Malley
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just gave his parents a second grandchild.
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And he's five years younger than Jeff.
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Well, I guess at this rate by the time
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Jeffrey gives us grandchildren,
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I won't be teaching them
how to play baseball.
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I'll be teaching them how
to pee into a catheter.
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You know what his problem is?
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He's too immature.
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He never takes anything seriously.
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Guys, I have something important
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to add to this conversation
and I want you to hear me out.
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Oh!
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What is the matter with you?
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Stop laughing, Stanley!
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Oh, my Lord! Open the window!
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No, no, no, no, no.
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Rolling down the window
is bad for gas mileage.
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I mean, don't you guys care
about your carbon footprint?
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Ah, Jeff, stop! Stop, my eyes are burning.
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Are you okay, Daddy?
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My legs!
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I can't feel my legs!
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♪ Three aliens
came from the sky ♪
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♪ The Galactic
Council sent them ♪
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♪ And here's the reason why ♪
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♪ Their mission is to study ♪
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♪ Earth's most average guy ♪
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♪ To see if humans
are worth saving ♪
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♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪
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Wait... What?
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Whoo!
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Tough day at the office. Ha ha.
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Oh, [bleep] you.
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Oh, my God, I just got to interview
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the host of "Dancing on
the Stars With the Stars"!
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Blocked.
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This is the best job ever.
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I just review orgies all day.
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Ugh, I am so tired of people bragging about
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their stupid, fancy jobs.
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Let's see, what can we post about our jobs
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to make us look really cool?
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Hey, Ted, what's going on over here?
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What kind of cool, cutting-edge
research are we cookin' up?
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I'm studying Earth's tax system.
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Did you know that capital gains
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are actually taxed lower...
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Okay, okay, shut up, shut up, shut up.
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Jimmy, how 'bout you, buddy?
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Do you have anything cool to show me?
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I certainly do.
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I'm wearing a bow tie.
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00:02:01,829 --> 00:02:03,862
I'm gonna be the bow-tie guy from now on.
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There he is!
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Just in time!
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00:02:06,801 --> 00:02:08,634
Jeff, what kind of fun shenanigans
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did you get up to on this
crazy planet we call Earth?
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We were in a... a serious car accident.
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My father's spine was
broken in three places.
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- Oh.
- I am so sorry, buddy.
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There's nothing that the doctors can do.
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Well, you know what they say,
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laughter is the best medicine.
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I am so sick of you stupid aliens
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- and your insensitivity!
- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!
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- Jeff, Jeff, it's true.
- And your...
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What he means is
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you can heal anyone with a Laughter Disc.
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_
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If you're like me,
then you love to laugh.
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00:02:54,148 --> 00:02:56,849
Ah. That was enjoyable.
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But did you know
that laughter is also
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the most healing force
in the entire universe?
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00:03:01,656 --> 00:03:04,156
Of course, the most destructive
force in the universe
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is my ex-wife!
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Ah, look at me.
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00:03:10,564 --> 00:03:12,831
I'm dancing! I'm dancing!
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Wow, this is amazing.
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00:03:14,468 --> 00:03:15,701
All I got to do is just make people laugh?
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I mean, this'll be a cinch.
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Okay, so, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.
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No, no, no, Jeff, Jeff, you should
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really watch the whole video first.
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Come with me now as I
sift through all words
86
00:03:25,913 --> 00:03:28,447
and rank them in terms
of comedic value.
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00:03:28,482 --> 00:03:31,784
"Aardvark." Not funny.
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"Abacus." Mildly funny.
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Guys, my dad is in critical condition.
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Okay, I don't have time
for this crap, all right?
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00:03:36,924 --> 00:03:38,691
- Let's just turn the thing on...
- No, no, no, no, no!
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00:03:38,726 --> 00:03:41,193
- Make it stop!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
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- Ow, ow, ooh.
- Holy [bleep], Jeff.
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You were supposed to be
heavily drugged for that.
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00:03:44,932 --> 00:03:48,534
You really shoulul watch the whole video.
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00:03:48,569 --> 00:03:51,170
Okay, well, at least the worst is over,
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okay, let's... let's get crackin' here.
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00:03:53,007 --> 00:03:54,206
Let's see, uh.
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00:03:54,241 --> 00:03:55,741
Oh, okay. I got one, I got one,
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00:03:55,776 --> 00:03:56,909
all right. How 'bout this.
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00:03:56,944 --> 00:03:59,078
You guys know who Bill Clinton is?
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00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:00,679
Who?
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00:04:00,715 --> 00:04:01,914
Come on, he's Hillary Clinton's husband.
104
00:04:01,949 --> 00:04:03,882
He was president in the '90s.
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00:04:03,918 --> 00:04:05,751
No? Nothing?
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00:04:05,786 --> 00:04:08,721
Okay, well, you need to know
that he played saxophone.
107
00:04:08,756 --> 00:04:11,557
And that was Kenneth Starr.
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00:04:11,592 --> 00:04:12,758
Oh, oh, and then
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Monica turns to Kenneth Starr
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and says, "I didn't inhale either."
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00:04:20,735 --> 00:04:21,767
O... kay.
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Just so you know,
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laughing at your own jokes doesn't count.
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Oh, it's not my joke.
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I could never write something that funny.
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00:04:30,778 --> 00:04:32,111
You can't steal other people's jokes.
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That's the lowest thing
a comedy healer can do.
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Stolen laughs are incredibly toxic.
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So I've got to come up with my own jokes?
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00:04:39,553 --> 00:04:40,886
Don't worry, Jeff.
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Making people laugh is the most joyous,
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easiest thing in the entire universe!
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00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,560
Okay, just gotta bring the funny.
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- Jeff!
- Huh?
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Where is rent, huh?
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00:04:50,831 --> 00:04:52,264
You're three weeks late now!
127
00:04:52,299 --> 00:04:53,932
Uh-oh, three weeks late?
128
00:04:53,968 --> 00:04:56,135
I hope my apartment's not pregnant.
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00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,569
Get it?
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My apartment's a woman.
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00:04:59,974 --> 00:05:01,707
And the rent is her p...
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- [gagging]
- You think it's a [bleep] game?
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00:05:03,978 --> 00:05:06,979
No, I'm sorry. I... I'll get you the money.
134
00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:08,614
Hey, Larry,
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00:05:08,649 --> 00:05:09,882
will you give me a hand with this one?
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00:05:09,917 --> 00:05:10,883
Hey!
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00:05:10,918 --> 00:05:12,751
Quit talking trash, you two.
138
00:05:14,755 --> 00:05:17,623
PU, what's that smell? The garbage
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00:05:17,658 --> 00:05:20,159
or the stink-eye you guys are giving me?
140
00:05:22,029 --> 00:05:24,096
I'm sorry, uh, have a nice day.
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00:05:25,666 --> 00:05:27,499
I got a question for everybody out here.
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How many of y'all like eating [bleep]?
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And I ain't talking about no
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"Mmm, I'm eating sunflower seeds."
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Nah, I'm talking about
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put some more gravy on that mother[bleep]
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'cause I'm 'bout to
eat Thanksgiving dinner!
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Excuse me. Hi.
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Uh, I've been waiting
here for over an hour.
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00:05:48,823 --> 00:05:50,522
Uh, how much longer until it's my turn?
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This guy, I know...
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'Bout an hour before you're up,
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but it takes decades to
call yourself a comic.
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What?
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Hello?
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Jeff, where have you been?
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We could really use your help here.
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Dad is not doing well.
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00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,937
Sorry, I... I've just been extremely busy.
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00:06:04,972 --> 00:06:07,706
You ever eaten two
[bleep] at the same time?
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00:06:07,741 --> 00:06:09,641
I call it the Mickey
D's number four.
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00:06:09,677 --> 00:06:10,876
Where are you?
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00:06:10,911 --> 00:06:12,678
You know what? I hope you're having fun.
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You should know that the doctor said
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Dad has internal bleeding.
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He might not live more than two weeks.
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What-what-no-no-wait-wait...
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I know this guy knows
what I'm talking about.
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- Look at that face...
- Hey, hey.
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- Wait, what are you doing?
- Sorry, I just really gotta...
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Hey, so, uh.
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I work at a smoothie
place and I often wonder,
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"Why do they call them smoothies?"
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You know? They're not that smooth.
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Maybe they should start calling them
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"roughies."
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Huh?
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00:06:39,039 --> 00:06:41,039
Oh, come on! You guys laugh at butthole guy
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but you can't give me one chuckle?
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My dad is dying, please!
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00:06:46,413 --> 00:06:48,680
Why aren't you laughing?
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Come on, come on, give me a little more.
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Whoo! Just another Tuesday,
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training a smoking hottie.
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Man, I love being a personal trainer.
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Hey, big stud,
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00:06:59,727 --> 00:07:02,761
put your camera away
so you can focus on me.
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00:07:02,796 --> 00:07:05,163
She stares at Sammy's
rippling muscles, as lust...
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00:07:05,199 --> 00:07:07,032
What? Cut, cut, cut!
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00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:09,401
You don't read the stage
directions, you moron.
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00:07:09,436 --> 00:07:11,737
All right, we're filming
for real this time.
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No more screw ups.
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You know what's crazy about this job?
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I mean, you're a smoking hot...
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- oh!
- Oh!
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- Oh, oh!
- Jeff, are you okay?
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00:07:22,983 --> 00:07:25,117
Damn it, you guys get away from me!
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00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:27,920
Today has been a nightmare.
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00:07:27,955 --> 00:07:29,788
I couldn't even get a courtesy laugh.
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Every single person out there
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00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:33,292
is just a uptight asshole!
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00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:35,427
Sounds like you're not
respecting your audience, Jeff.
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My dad's gonna die.
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00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:39,131
It's all because I'm the least funny,
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stupidest, loseriest guy in the world.
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Guys!
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They love you, Jeff.
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00:07:47,274 --> 00:07:48,740
They do?
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00:07:48,776 --> 00:07:55,106
_
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00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:59,868
_
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00:08:01,635 --> 00:08:03,816
Oh, of course they put up a Q-wall.
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00:08:03,870 --> 00:08:06,180
Okay, let me see and... Okay, I got it.
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00:08:06,215 --> 00:08:07,813
All right, Jeff, this will give you access
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00:08:07,848 --> 00:08:09,815
to the entire Azurian viewing public.
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00:08:09,850 --> 00:08:12,284
Every time you get a laugh,
this thing will absorb it
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00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,919
and shoot it into your laughter disk...
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00:08:13,955 --> 00:08:15,387
Sweet. Oh, my God!
218
00:08:15,423 --> 00:08:17,456
- Whoa! Oh, no!
- Jeff, I wasn't finished yet!
219
00:08:17,491 --> 00:08:19,225
It wasn't even sterilized.
220
00:08:19,260 --> 00:08:21,126
All right, Jeff, you ready to get out there
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00:08:21,162 --> 00:08:22,828
and make me a hit producer?
222
00:08:22,863 --> 00:08:24,463
You mean heal my father?
223
00:08:24,498 --> 00:08:26,398
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That part too.
224
00:08:26,434 --> 00:08:28,100
That goes without saying.
225
00:08:28,135 --> 00:08:30,302
And Candy Cane leads
from the inside.
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00:08:30,338 --> 00:08:32,137
Summer Sunday two
leagues ahead of her
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00:08:32,173 --> 00:08:34,306
and... Oh, my God! There's
a man on the racetrack!
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00:08:34,342 --> 00:08:36,842
- Aah! Ohh! Oh, my God!
- Oh, oh, dear.
229
00:08:36,877 --> 00:08:39,144
Aah! Ohh! Oh, my God!
230
00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:41,914
Weird. doesn't seem to be
getting any traction at all!
231
00:08:41,949 --> 00:08:43,515
What do you think the problem is?
232
00:08:43,551 --> 00:08:45,251
I don't know. It just... maybe it's because
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00:08:45,286 --> 00:08:47,186
it doesn't have the
spontaneity the other one had.
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00:08:47,221 --> 00:08:50,155
Yeah, I mean, who has
a picnic on a racetrack?
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00:08:50,191 --> 00:08:52,157
Alone? It doesn't really make sense
236
00:08:52,193 --> 00:08:53,859
when you actually think about it.
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00:08:53,894 --> 00:08:56,328
Well, maybe next time
we'll think things through
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00:08:56,364 --> 00:08:57,630
- a little more...
- Look, Jeff, here's the thing.
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00:08:57,665 --> 00:08:59,331
The weights falling on your throat video
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00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:00,633
was incredible. Okay?
241
00:09:00,668 --> 00:09:02,134
No one... no one's gonna deny that.
242
00:09:02,169 --> 00:09:03,435
But it was an accident.
243
00:09:03,471 --> 00:09:05,137
I mean, maybe you're not a pranks guy.
244
00:09:05,172 --> 00:09:06,972
Ooh! You know what I'm thinking for you?
245
00:09:07,008 --> 00:09:10,209
I'm thinkin' you could be
the Earth version of Zorby!
246
00:09:10,244 --> 00:09:12,011
Who's Zorby?
247
00:09:12,046 --> 00:09:16,315
Only the biggest comedy genius
the universe has ever known!
248
00:09:18,352 --> 00:09:21,287
Ooh! Right in my stinkhole!
249
00:09:23,391 --> 00:09:25,024
You know you guys promote yourself
250
00:09:25,059 --> 00:09:27,026
as an advanced species, right?
251
00:09:27,061 --> 00:09:28,894
Honey, I told you!
252
00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:30,863
No back flipping in the house.
253
00:09:30,898 --> 00:09:32,531
How 'bout I front flip you then?
254
00:09:32,566 --> 00:09:34,633
Badabadabada!
255
00:09:34,669 --> 00:09:37,670
Oh, man, he really holds
a mirror up to society.
256
00:09:37,705 --> 00:09:39,538
Seriously, what the hell is this?
257
00:09:39,573 --> 00:09:41,173
It's brilliant is what it is!
258
00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:43,075
It's relentless, it's in your face,
259
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:45,077
and it's all centered around a family unit
260
00:09:45,112 --> 00:09:46,578
so everybody can relate to it.
261
00:09:46,614 --> 00:09:48,380
You tap into that, my friend,
262
00:09:48,416 --> 00:09:51,350
and your dad is as good as healed.
263
00:09:53,087 --> 00:09:55,921
Daddy, we love you...
264
00:09:55,956 --> 00:09:58,257
and we're gonna get through this, okay?
265
00:09:58,292 --> 00:10:00,259
Because we're family and...
266
00:10:00,294 --> 00:10:02,194
family always sticks to...
267
00:10:02,229 --> 00:10:04,229
H-Hey! Sorry I'm late,
268
00:10:04,265 --> 00:10:07,366
I was busy shaving my balls.
269
00:10:10,971 --> 00:10:13,238
Yes! You hear that, baby?
270
00:10:13,274 --> 00:10:16,008
That's the sound of a star being born!
271
00:10:16,043 --> 00:10:17,343
But seriously, how's Dad?
272
00:10:17,378 --> 00:10:18,410
Is he okay? I'm so sorry.
273
00:10:18,446 --> 00:10:19,678
Never apologize!
274
00:10:19,714 --> 00:10:21,513
You gotta own your bits, Jeff!
275
00:10:21,549 --> 00:10:23,248
Of course he's not okay, you idiot!
276
00:10:23,284 --> 00:10:25,417
- What are you thinking?
- Ooh, wt do we have here?
277
00:10:25,453 --> 00:10:27,419
A new flavor of Capri Sun?
278
00:10:27,455 --> 00:10:30,055
That's good 'cause I'm thirsty.
279
00:10:34,729 --> 00:10:36,095
How dare you!
280
00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:38,097
This whole situation is your fault
281
00:10:38,132 --> 00:10:39,131
- and you're acting like...
- You think I don't live
282
00:10:39,166 --> 00:10:40,699
with that guilt every minute?
283
00:10:40,735 --> 00:10:42,601
I'd trade places with
him right now if I could.
284
00:10:42,636 --> 00:10:45,070
But first, how about I take a little sip
285
00:10:45,106 --> 00:10:48,073
of this delicious chocolate milkshake?
286
00:10:48,109 --> 00:10:49,074
Mmm.
287
00:10:50,444 --> 00:10:52,644
- Get out!
- I'm only doing this
288
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,113
because I love him! I'm trying to help!
289
00:10:55,449 --> 00:10:57,149
Okay, Jeff, looks like that bit in there
290
00:10:57,184 --> 00:10:58,617
may've overstayed it's
welcome a little bit.
291
00:10:58,652 --> 00:11:00,552
I can't do this anymore, okay?
292
00:11:00,588 --> 00:11:02,554
Look! It-it's about halfway full,
293
00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:04,623
I mean, that... that should
be enough to help, right?
294
00:11:04,658 --> 00:11:06,258
What? No, no, no.
295
00:11:06,293 --> 00:11:08,127
The laughter disc has to be filled to 100%,
296
00:11:08,162 --> 00:11:10,095
or it doesn't work at
all. Everybody knows that.
297
00:11:10,131 --> 00:11:12,498
Tell him he would've known
that if he'd watched the video.
298
00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:15,467
Will you tell that guy to
shut up about the damn video?
299
00:11:15,503 --> 00:11:17,169
Huh, according to these stats,
300
00:11:17,204 --> 00:11:19,405
people only watch for
six-second increments.
301
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,473
Wait a second. I think we may have just
302
00:11:21,509 --> 00:11:23,342
cracked the perfect form of comedy here!
303
00:11:23,377 --> 00:11:26,979
Six-second bursts of
random, idiotic behavior.
304
00:11:28,482 --> 00:11:30,115
That feeling you get when you find
305
00:11:30,151 --> 00:11:32,284
the perfect parking spot.
306
00:11:32,319 --> 00:11:35,187
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
307
00:11:37,625 --> 00:11:39,591
That feeling when you
gotta write a long text,
308
00:11:39,627 --> 00:11:43,162
but you only got 1%
battery left on your phone.
309
00:11:43,197 --> 00:11:45,164
Quick. Quick. Get all the letters out
310
00:11:45,199 --> 00:11:47,666
or we'll never get laid again!
311
00:11:47,701 --> 00:11:50,335
That feeling when your
toast gets too toasted.
312
00:11:50,371 --> 00:11:52,771
No!
313
00:11:55,342 --> 00:11:58,143
We've all seen Jeff, the
galaxy's most outrageous
314
00:11:58,179 --> 00:12:00,179
new comedy star, but
now, we talk to Sammy...
315
00:12:00,214 --> 00:12:02,381
- Hey-oh!
- The man behind the man.
316
00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:04,550
So, what inspired you to
give this human a platform?
317
00:12:04,585 --> 00:12:06,652
Well, I think Azurians
318
00:12:06,687 --> 00:12:08,687
are sick and tired of
turning on their screens
319
00:12:08,722 --> 00:12:10,689
and seeing the same old faces all the time.
320
00:12:10,724 --> 00:12:13,559
Jeff is something an audience
has never seen before.
321
00:12:13,594 --> 00:12:16,128
He's a straight, white, human, male.
322
00:12:16,163 --> 00:12:18,530
That's so bold and exciting.
323
00:12:18,566 --> 00:12:20,332
Well, that's all the show we got!
324
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:22,367
Thank you so much, good night!
325
00:12:23,737 --> 00:12:25,804
Hey, we're having a little soirée
326
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,206
up at my place tonight.
327
00:12:27,241 --> 00:12:29,541
Nothing fancy just a massive orgy
328
00:12:29,577 --> 00:12:31,677
with a bunch of A-listers. You in?
329
00:12:31,712 --> 00:12:35,314
You have no idea how much this means to me.
330
00:12:36,584 --> 00:12:38,650
Well, usually, I like to tell people
331
00:12:38,686 --> 00:12:40,352
to hold out hope,
332
00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:41,820
but in this case...
333
00:12:41,856 --> 00:12:43,856
the contents of a man's colostomy bag
334
00:12:43,891 --> 00:12:45,691
has entered his bloodstream.
335
00:12:45,726 --> 00:12:49,428
I'm afraid he'll have no
more than 48 hours left.
336
00:12:49,463 --> 00:12:52,197
Oh, God! Oh, God!
337
00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:54,399
Oh, no. Oh, God.
338
00:12:54,435 --> 00:12:56,401
Hello, Jeff? I just want you to know
339
00:12:56,437 --> 00:12:58,504
that Dad's got 48 hours left to live
340
00:12:58,539 --> 00:13:00,205
and it's all your fault!
341
00:13:00,241 --> 00:13:01,707
Oh, my God!
342
00:13:01,742 --> 00:13:03,242
- Oops! My bad.
- Aah!
343
00:13:09,583 --> 00:13:11,884
Hey, Evgeny, the bank was out of hundreds.
344
00:13:11,919 --> 00:13:15,254
Mind if I pay my rent in tenners?
345
00:13:15,289 --> 00:13:17,789
- Well, okay.
- Hit it, boys.
346
00:13:21,762 --> 00:13:23,562
Ummm. I think I'm gonna give this one
347
00:13:23,597 --> 00:13:25,430
somewhere between a 7
or an 8? We'll see how...
348
00:13:25,466 --> 00:13:26,765
All right, everyone.
349
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,368
20 minutes until the orgy begins.
350
00:13:29,403 --> 00:13:31,570
Sounds like it's gonna
be the longest 20 minutes
351
00:13:31,605 --> 00:13:34,106
of my life. Am I right ladies?
352
00:13:34,141 --> 00:13:35,807
Yeah. Anyways...
353
00:13:35,843 --> 00:13:38,610
I started watching that Jeff
the human feed yesterday.
354
00:13:38,646 --> 00:13:39,745
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
355
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:40,913
Oh, my God,
356
00:13:40,948 --> 00:13:42,781
it was just such lowbrow garbage.
357
00:13:42,816 --> 00:13:45,817
Yeah, it's obviously just
made for stoned teenage morons.
358
00:13:45,853 --> 00:13:47,319
I think entertainment
359
00:13:47,354 --> 00:13:49,788
has a responsibility to plumb the depths
360
00:13:49,823 --> 00:13:52,491
- of our souls.
- So true.
361
00:13:52,526 --> 00:13:53,659
Oh, my God! Did you see the premiere of
362
00:13:53,694 --> 00:13:55,460
"Dancing With The Stars On The Stars"?
363
00:13:55,496 --> 00:13:57,129
Oh, my God, yes, I'm, like,
obsessed with that show.
364
00:13:57,164 --> 00:13:58,196
- It's so cool that they're...
- Oh, my God!
365
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,899
Guys...
366
00:14:00,935 --> 00:14:03,168
my dad is as good as healed!
367
00:14:03,203 --> 00:14:05,337
I had no idea comedy could be so easy.
368
00:14:05,372 --> 00:14:07,606
I just think of the dumbest thing I can,
369
00:14:07,641 --> 00:14:09,575
and then I just don't second guess myself.
370
00:14:09,610 --> 00:14:10,642
What do you mean? What kinds of stu...
371
00:14:10,678 --> 00:14:11,910
Aah!
372
00:14:13,948 --> 00:14:15,647
Oh, what a night!
373
00:14:15,683 --> 00:14:16,815
Jeff, put those sausages down!
374
00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:18,283
I realized something last night.
375
00:14:18,319 --> 00:14:19,818
Nobody respects comedy.
376
00:14:19,853 --> 00:14:22,354
That why I'm taking you to the next level
377
00:14:22,389 --> 00:14:26,191
with a spot on "Dancing
With The Stars On The Stars."
378
00:14:26,226 --> 00:14:27,960
No big deal, just the biggest show
379
00:14:27,995 --> 00:14:29,661
- in the galaxy!
- I'm not interested
380
00:14:29,697 --> 00:14:31,430
in being famous, okay?
381
00:14:31,465 --> 00:14:34,499
I am what you would
call a "pure performer."
382
00:14:34,535 --> 00:14:36,768
I'm only in this for the healing laughs!
383
00:14:41,475 --> 00:14:43,175
I just love that it's so smart
384
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:44,543
and dumb at the same time.
385
00:14:44,578 --> 00:14:46,545
What's the dumb part?
386
00:14:47,881 --> 00:14:49,648
Oh, yeah! So close!
387
00:14:49,683 --> 00:14:51,350
All right, all right.
What we got? What we got?
388
00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:54,353
Oh, hey, What the hell are
these tiny little things?
389
00:14:54,388 --> 00:14:56,788
I've had dingleberries longer than these.
390
00:14:56,824 --> 00:14:58,390
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
391
00:14:58,425 --> 00:15:00,659
What'd he say?
392
00:15:00,694 --> 00:15:03,195
Little dingleberries. Huh?
393
00:15:03,230 --> 00:15:04,896
Not big enough?
394
00:15:04,932 --> 00:15:06,365
Oh! Ohhh!
395
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,500
Wha... What just
happened? Is this thing on?
396
00:15:08,535 --> 00:15:12,279
You really should have watched that video.
397
00:15:12,375 --> 00:15:17,730
_
398
00:15:17,879 --> 00:15:20,078
For generations,
there has been a group
399
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:24,287
of Azurians that has never
known peace or justice...
400
00:15:24,322 --> 00:15:26,618
The Short Antennae'd.
401
00:15:26,654 --> 00:15:29,488
Their history of inequity
goes back to Ancient Emperor
402
00:15:29,523 --> 00:15:32,658
Zlarkon, who famously
ground short antennae
403
00:15:32,693 --> 00:15:34,927
into a fine powder,
believing it to be
404
00:15:34,962 --> 00:15:37,930
a powerful sexual stimulant.
405
00:15:37,965 --> 00:15:40,132
Jesus. I-I had no idea.
406
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:42,067
With offensive names like
407
00:15:42,102 --> 00:15:44,803
"Shorties" and "Tip-Tips",
408
00:15:44,838 --> 00:15:47,639
mockery of the Short-Antennae'd
was long a staple
409
00:15:47,675 --> 00:15:49,474
of Azurian Comedy.
410
00:15:49,510 --> 00:15:53,445
What do you think about
interplanetary politics, Znags?
411
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,347
Duh, how should I know?
412
00:15:55,382 --> 00:15:57,482
I can barely pick up gamma rays
413
00:15:57,518 --> 00:15:59,017
with my little dinky dinks.
414
00:16:00,654 --> 00:16:02,154
It's just shameful.
415
00:16:02,189 --> 00:16:04,489
I still don't get it.
Where did all my laughs go?
416
00:16:04,525 --> 00:16:06,658
Your laughs were erased, Jeff!
417
00:16:06,694 --> 00:16:08,827
Hate-based comedians don't deserve
418
00:16:08,862 --> 00:16:10,963
- to have healing laughter.
- Erased?!
419
00:16:10,998 --> 00:16:12,864
I worked like a dog for those laughs.
420
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:15,601
I can't believe after all that
421
00:16:15,636 --> 00:16:17,102
it's gonna end like this. I mean...
422
00:16:17,137 --> 00:16:19,705
I'll never find an
audience big enough to...
423
00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:21,773
Sammy, can you still get me
424
00:16:21,809 --> 00:16:23,709
on that stupid dancing show?
425
00:16:25,846 --> 00:16:28,780
Well, I hope there aren't any fire marshals
426
00:16:28,816 --> 00:16:32,117
in the house tonight because
we are way beyond capacity
427
00:16:32,152 --> 00:16:35,721
with people coming in droves
to see the hated Earth bigot,
428
00:16:35,756 --> 00:16:38,190
Jeff Mahoney dance.
429
00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:51,903
Okay, look, I'm not really here to dance.
430
00:16:52,940 --> 00:16:54,706
- What?
- Huh?
431
00:16:54,742 --> 00:16:55,874
I didn't know about the
whole short antenna thing,
432
00:16:55,909 --> 00:16:57,909
but ya gotta believe me when I say
433
00:16:57,945 --> 00:17:00,212
I'm really, really sorry.
434
00:17:00,247 --> 00:17:02,514
- Now...
- Whoa! Slow down, there, buddy.
435
00:17:02,549 --> 00:17:04,750
This isn't "Monologues With
The Stars On The Stars."
436
00:17:04,785 --> 00:17:06,084
Let's move on
437
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,719
- to our next contestants...
- Back off!
438
00:17:07,755 --> 00:17:09,187
All right, now,
439
00:17:09,223 --> 00:17:10,489
here's what's gonna happen,
440
00:17:10,524 --> 00:17:11,723
I'm going to tell some jokes
441
00:17:11,759 --> 00:17:14,092
and I need you to laugh
442
00:17:14,128 --> 00:17:15,761
even if you don't think they're funny.
443
00:17:15,796 --> 00:17:19,731
Please, just open your hearts...
444
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:23,201
I'm Mr. Nipples! I'm Mr. Nipples!
445
00:17:23,237 --> 00:17:25,771
I'm Mr. Buttcheeks. Big Mr. Buttcheeks.
446
00:17:25,806 --> 00:17:27,939
What the [bleep]?
447
00:17:27,975 --> 00:17:29,875
Okay, you know, I, uh...
448
00:17:29,910 --> 00:17:32,210
I usually have music that kicks in
449
00:17:32,246 --> 00:17:34,613
- when I do this stuff, and...
- You suck, skin face!
450
00:17:34,648 --> 00:17:36,181
You're not funny!
451
00:17:36,216 --> 00:17:38,116
You think I don't know that?
452
00:17:38,152 --> 00:17:40,052
You think this is easy?
453
00:17:40,087 --> 00:17:43,088
You know the only time I
ever really made anyone laugh?
454
00:17:43,123 --> 00:17:47,125
Was at summer camp, and
this kid named Jake Weisner
455
00:17:47,161 --> 00:17:48,960
pantsed me, and told everyone
456
00:17:48,996 --> 00:17:50,562
I had a small penis...
457
00:17:50,597 --> 00:17:52,130
I mean, do you have any idea what it's like
458
00:17:52,166 --> 00:17:54,099
to be mocked for something
that has nothing to do with
459
00:17:54,134 --> 00:17:55,901
who you are on the inside?
460
00:17:55,936 --> 00:17:56,914
_
461
00:17:58,939 --> 00:18:02,641
That's it. People of Azuria, don't you see?
462
00:18:04,111 --> 00:18:06,978
I, too, have a short antenna!
463
00:18:07,014 --> 00:18:10,048
Oh, my goodness, that's
the shortest antenna
464
00:18:10,084 --> 00:18:12,984
I've ever seen.
465
00:18:17,191 --> 00:18:19,991
Huh, so it's funny when
it's my pain, huh?
466
00:18:20,027 --> 00:18:21,159
OK great, great, great.
467
00:18:21,195 --> 00:18:23,829
Well, that summer, my nickname
468
00:18:23,864 --> 00:18:26,665
became "Lil' Nubbins"
and that stuck with me
469
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:28,900
until the 12th grade!
470
00:18:29,970 --> 00:18:31,269
Little Nubbins.
471
00:18:32,873 --> 00:18:34,306
You guys wanna hear about the first time
472
00:18:34,341 --> 00:18:37,542
a girl met Lil' Nubbins?
473
00:18:44,885 --> 00:18:46,318
Daddy.
474
00:18:46,353 --> 00:18:48,687
Everything's gonna be okay now.
475
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:54,993
- Jeff?
- Get out!
476
00:18:55,028 --> 00:18:57,696
I swear to God I'm not gonna
do any more hilarious bits.
477
00:18:57,731 --> 00:19:01,600
That's too bad 'cause I
love your hilarious bits.
478
00:19:01,635 --> 00:19:02,968
- both: Dad!
- Stanley!
479
00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:04,970
Daddy! Oh, I thought I'd lost you.
480
00:19:05,005 --> 00:19:06,705
I'm so sorry for everything.
481
00:19:06,740 --> 00:19:10,175
You're the best dad ever,
and you deserve a son
482
00:19:10,210 --> 00:19:12,711
you can be proud of. Not some loser
483
00:19:12,746 --> 00:19:15,313
who's never gonna give you grandkids.
484
00:19:15,349 --> 00:19:17,816
Oh, what do I care about grandkids
485
00:19:17,851 --> 00:19:20,986
when I already have the most incredible son
486
00:19:21,021 --> 00:19:23,121
- in the world?
- Oh, it feels so good
487
00:19:23,157 --> 00:19:25,857
to have an honest and
sincere moment with you guys,
488
00:19:25,893 --> 00:19:28,126
and be able to really tell you,
489
00:19:28,162 --> 00:19:30,996
how much I love you all.
490
00:19:31,031 --> 00:19:33,865
And we love you, Jeff.
491
00:19:41,408 --> 00:19:44,075
Uh, Jeff, what the hell is this?
492
00:19:44,111 --> 00:19:45,911
A Lifetime movie?
493
00:19:45,946 --> 00:19:48,213
We're gonna need a huge
joke to make up for this...
494
00:19:48,248 --> 00:19:50,849
um, ideally, something
that's highbrow and lowbrow
495
00:19:50,884 --> 00:19:52,918
at the same time. Here's the bad pitch:
496
00:19:52,953 --> 00:19:55,320
you talk about the decline
of social mobility...
497
00:19:55,355 --> 00:19:57,647
with your asshole!
498
00:20:02,098 --> 00:20:03,898
Freeze!
499
00:20:05,768 --> 00:20:07,068
Well, well, well.
500
00:20:07,103 --> 00:20:09,904
- Easy.
- Looks like you're toast,
501
00:20:09,939 --> 00:20:12,907
Detective. Aah!
502
00:20:12,942 --> 00:20:16,010
Looks like you're toast...
503
00:20:16,045 --> 00:20:18,246
covered in strawberry jam.
504
00:20:18,281 --> 00:20:22,049
♪ Small time crooks, but
this cop is even smaller ♪
505
00:20:22,085 --> 00:20:23,484
♪ If you're in heat ♪
506
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,253
♪ He'll bring you back hotter ♪
507
00:20:25,288 --> 00:20:28,489
♪ All you bad guys
are going down ♪
508
00:20:28,525 --> 00:20:31,926
♪ He's one adjective
and one proper noun ♪
509
00:20:31,961 --> 00:20:34,028
♪ He's Lil' Nubbins ♪
510
00:20:34,063 --> 00:20:36,264
♪ The smallest
private dick in town ♪
511
00:20:36,299 --> 00:20:38,065
You're under arrest!
512
00:20:38,101 --> 00:20:40,401
I like his funny, high voice.
513
00:20:40,436 --> 00:20:42,069
He sounds so stupid.
514
00:20:42,105 --> 00:20:44,171
I'm telling you guys, I can feel it.
515
00:20:44,207 --> 00:20:46,541
We got something really
special on our hands here.
516
00:20:46,576 --> 00:20:48,109
Jeff, what's the matter with you?
517
00:20:48,144 --> 00:20:49,443
You don't want to watch the show?
518
00:20:49,479 --> 00:20:51,379
I'm sorry, guys, I can't handle
519
00:20:51,414 --> 00:20:53,848
any more garbage comedy right now.
520
00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:57,785
Why don't you check back
in with me in about a week?
521
00:20:57,820 --> 00:20:58,445
Cut!
522
00:20:58,479 --> 00:21:00,125
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
35989
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