Original subtitles

[mellow hip-hop music]

Yo, I'ma need this shit when I get signed to...

♪ Def Jam! ♪

DENNIS: See, Elektra really believes in Dirty.

Everything that Def Jam wouldn't give Dirty

on the backend, Elektra will, and much more.

Take the Elektra deal.

It's all I ever wanted to be was on Def Jam.

If you want to be treated differently,

you need to grow up.

Yo, Bobby, we had to turn in that album,

like, two months ago.

Yo, how can I even focus on tracks

if he won't even talk to me, you know?

I'm sorry for signing you to Elektra

before talking to you about it.

You can't be treating me like no kid no more, son.

And you can't be out here fucking around

when we got work to do.

I'm ready to work now.

[mellow beat playing]

♪ ♪

[music stops]

RZA: All right, man. This song right here?

I've been saving this one, a'ight?

[mellow hip-hop piano music plays]

♪ ♪

[music stops]

Yo. It's been two fucking days.

Pick a fucking beat already, cuz.

You ain't even fucking helped on the mike yet.

You just sitting there smoking, nodding,

and waving off my beats and shit.

Hey, Elektra ain't accepting no delays, you hear me?

[tense music]

They gonna hold money from us that they owe,

and they gonna sue us for money we don't have.

You gotta start laying down tracks, nigga.

Figure this shit out.

Your first album, it's your whole life explained.

[groaning]

[laughs]

Yo, son.

Remember we used to do that shit?

See how long we could last.

Yeah, yo. That shit's still funny, nigga,

but it ain't helping us right now.

- You hear what I'm saying? - [sighs]

You gonna do that shit on your album for an hour?

Down low.

We just listened to that shit.

No. We heard it. We didn't experience this.

We gotta get this album done, a'ight?

This ain't something that's just

gonna come out of nowhere.

If I do that, it ain't gonna go nowhere, yo.

Like you said, this album is my whole life explained.

I been listening to this shit since I was five years old, yo.

I'm not the poster boy Method is or the wordsmith Genius is.

Yo, I'm me. Ain't no father to my style.

Yo, when a album got a sound like that,

it gotta be on some unpredictable, grimy...

Yo, dirt dog, grimy shit, yo.

Yo, we gotta hop into our creative chamber, Abbott.

We gotta... we gotta do shit we used to do when we was kids.

- RZA: Hmm. - We wasn't afraid to laugh,

but still bust a nigga's ass. [Blowfly's "All You Hos"]

Hey!

RZA: [laughs] Oh, shit.

Like some punch card shit, nigga?

DIRT: Fingers crossed. RZA: Fingers crossed, a'ight?

A'ight.

BOTH: [singing along] ♪ And all you and your hos ♪

[laughs]

♪ You keep lives full of soul ♪

Hey, yo, this album gotta be my essence, son.

Uncensored. Unfiltered.

I want you to laugh, cry, and punch a nigga in the face.

The album is an experience,

and you're the audience to my show,

and I'm onstage, at that show,

'cause you need me to lift your spirits and touch your soul!

Oh! [laughs]

Yeah, thank you very much. Thank you very much.

My name is Dirt McGirt, ladies and gentlemen,

and, uh, the next bit I'd like to do is called

Taurus and the goddamn Bulls.

Hey, you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. Since Tauruses are so stubborn,

I imagine they think a tune sound like this.

Yeah, yeah.

♪ The first time you suck my dick ♪

[audience gasps, murmurs] DIRT MCGIRT: ♪ And the ♪

♪ First time I shot off in your mouth ♪

♪ Something shot out of me real fast ♪

[funky music]

Ooh!

I be available for weddings,

bar mitzvahs, and funerals, ladies and gentlemen.

Disgusting! We're leaving. [laughter]

DIRT MCGIRT: That sister right there

is the kind of prude-ass girl

that won't even let a man go up her dress!

[laughter] [switch clicks]

Hey, motherfucker! DIRT MCGIRT: Oh...

Hey!

Folks, they want me to turn my noise down.

Hey! DIRT MCGIRT: First, let me

ask y'all a question.

What's worse than gettin' gonorrhea?

[feedback whine] Sister?

Lady? Sir?

Getting that motherfucker twice, am I right?

Oh, baby, I should stop meeting chicks at the free clinic.

I don't know. What y'all think?

[overlapping chatter] I can't help it.

AIRTIGHT MIKE: I don't care about none-a that shit!

Look, you can't be out here scaring off big-time money.

ANNOUNCER: bring out our next comic.

Mm.

Why can't you be like Shaquan Smith?

Shaquan has supreme clientele that brought in bookoo bucks.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Now look at him, nigga.

An international superstar.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Right next to my hotel, there's a corner store.

Some guys buy beer.

Some kids buy junk food.

- Right there... - Nigga!

What the fuck does that have to do with what we talking about?

Not a goddamn thing, man!

Look, I ain't got a goddamn thing to do with Shaquan Smith.

Look,

you see how, uh, I'm turning into a broken record?

Thank you, baby.

Look, man, the back seaters love my Black ass.

Yeah, but the back seaters buy cheap ripple.

I'm trying to run a business here, baby.

DIRT: You're not listening to me, man!

See, you want me to be a international superstar

when I'm already the biggest star in the galaxy.

Come on now, baby. This McGirt.

If that's true then,

why am I the only club that still books you?

See, ever since you bought this whole establishment,

you done turned into straight management.

You used to be a comic.

'Member when we toured together?

Broke all the rules together?

What happened to you, brother?

You used to trust the art.

Brother, trust goes both ways.

Now, if your motherfucking ass wasn't out here

trying to be a motherfucking pervert's dream act,

you'd be bigger than Shaquan.

Come on, man. I'll play nice.

Look, can a brother get paid, man?

Damn. AIRTIGHT MIKE: Look, player.

All I'm saying is

you gotta be a version of yourself that ain't you.

Now, what the fuck is that even 'posed to mean, man?

H-h-how I'm gonna be somebody other than myself, man?

Clean up your act, or get out.

♪ ♪

My man main Daddy Cool!

DADDY COOL: Whoo hoo hoo!

DIRT: Hey.

Gimme that. [register dings]

[both whooping]

How's it hanging, brother?

Hey, life is living, and living is life, my brother.

- DIRT: All right now. - Hey, I heard the laughter

and saw the tight asses running out the club.

You keep doing your thing, now, Dirt.

I appreciate that, brother.

- DADDY: No problem, brother. - Hey.

Hey, matter of fact,

I'ma bring my old lady to come see you next time.

- The foxy one? - The foxy one.

DIRT: Bring her through! Bring it through, baby!

[laughs] Hey, I gots to go. I gotta go write

a whole new set for tomorrow night, you dig?

Hey, hey, hey, Jack. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

DIRT: Hey, man.

Don't put the powder before your word power.

You understand? We need brothers like you.

Can you dig it?

DIRT: Yeah, man, but dig this.

A man like me gots to live in the moment, baby.

All right, now. I'll catch you later, man.

Be cool, all right? DADDY: All right, brother.

- Till next time. - Till next time.

[dreamy hip-hop music]

[Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Brooklyn Zoo"]

Knock, knock.

Skrrt, skrrt! [laughs]

PERSON: Hey, baby. DIRT: Hey, hey...

PERSON: Come on! Come on, baby.

- I'll take care-a you. - [chortling]

PERSON: You know I got the goody-good.

Hey, hey. What did the preacher say to the strippers?

Fuck you! [laughs]

SAILOR: [laughing] You one funny motherfucker!

[laughter echoes]

Hey, hey, hey, man!

I don't give a damn about no Uncle Sam.

[laughter]

[grunting, groaning]

[keys jangling]

[subway train horn blasts]

[fast-forward high-pitched sound]

[high-pitched chattering voice]

[high-pitched voice]

[funky music]

♪ ♪

[bang, clattering]

Hey, get the fuck... hey, man...

Sit your ass down, man.

Shit, why... damn!

Hey, man. Listen, man. I'm sorry about, uh...

I'm sorry if that was your car I stole, man.

If you don't shut the fuck up, I swear to God...

- LINDA: No. - I'ma slap the shit outta you.

He needs those lips.

Do you know who I am, sugar?

Yeah, um,

you the lady who had these goons kick down my door.

- [laughs] - Mm-hmm.

I'm a lot more than that, funnyman.

I'm Lady Marlboro, and you'd know that,

if your vice was numbers and not...

But today, I'm here because I'm opening a club.

The Ladies Room. You like the name?

Yeah. I like ladies, yeah.

[chuckles]

Music and comedy.

And I need me a headliner.

And I hear you're none too happy with Mr. Airtight Mike.

- I'm not following. - Get the fuck out...

DIRT: [yelps]

Nigga!

The gracious lady wants you

to sling your jokes for her.

And she gonna pay you a whole lot more

than they pay you at the Kit Club, motherfucker.

I'll pay you 2,000, up front, to jump ship.

And I can be myself? Say whatever I want?

As long as you pack the house.

Nah, man.

I can't do that to Airtight Mike.

He the one gave me my start.

Reconsider.

[tense music]

Do it already, man.

You willing to die for this?

Man, lady. [sighs]

I got a lot to explain to God.

Backstabbing just ain't one of 'em.

It's not. LINDA: Hmm.

Normally, I'd have Grits and Gravy pummel you to dust,

but I respect a man who doesn't compromise his principle.

And do try to reconsider.

♪ ♪

[Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Goin' Down"]

SINGER: ♪ Ah ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

DIRTY: ♪ My advantage on the M-I-C is the slang ♪

♪ That I manifest so you could never hang ♪

♪ Obviously you know my name by now ♪

♪ I done thrown stupid parties all through your town ♪

♪ Dirt McGirt, that's my motherfucking name ♪

♪ Love to flirt, that's my motherfucking game ♪

♪ They said "You want to be MC... ♪

[distant cheers and applause]

Wait, wait. I didn't get to the joke yet.

There are rules when you start dating a guy in a wheelchair.

It's just things you just can't say to me.

You can't walk me through a step-by-step process.

[laughter]

You feel awkward if you ask me about my "stand-up"?

Or did I get a standing ovation?

And where do I stand with politics?

There was a crime that happened the other day,

and the cops didn't believe me

when I said I was just a innocent bystander.

[laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce our next comedian.

By his name, you'll know he'll struggle to clean it up.

Dirt McGirt, y'all!

[cheers and applause]

DIRT: [groaning]

[drawn-out groan continues]

[applause]

Whew. [sniffs]

How y'all doin' tonight? Mm.

I wanna tell you guys about myself.

I'm not from here. I'm from Philadelphia.

Typical Philly family.

Ten of us in a two-bedroom apartment,

or should I mention that ten of us lived in one bedroom.

The other half of my family lived in the other bedroom.

All 12 of them. [soft laughter]

Very typical family. Very typical.

Just kids. No mother. No father.

We was bastards on both sides.

Double bastards. [scattered laughter]

We even shared clothes at the same time.

Two kids an outfit.

My sister would pick out the perfect dress for us.

[laughs]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, Mike.

Here's to my first time I ever wore a condom, god damn it.

[laughs]

See, I prefer it raw. I prefer it raw.

Some people are Mormon. I am a Raw-mon.

[laughter]

The first time I even wore a condom,

it wasn't even a condom, god damn it.

It was, uh, sandwich plastic bag wrap

that I had to just wrap around that motherfucker.

Care for me to demonstrate, ladies? No gentlemen.

GUEST: Yeah! GUEST: Whoo!

[audience whoops, claps]

- [un-zipping sound] - [audience whooping]

[gasps, commotion]

Shit!

- [laughter] - WOMAN: Look at that thing!

DIRT: Dirt McDirt!

[wrap it up bell dings]

Ladies!

You ain't never seen nothin' like this?

And don't you bring your motherfucking ass

back around here again, motherfucker.

Yeah, go on and get.

[laughs] Welcome, welcome.

Welcome back, player.

Thank you, player. Come on in.

We got something nice for your lady.

Yep. After you. After you.

Ha ha. All right, all right.

♪ ♪

[mellow funk]

♪ ♪

[snorts]

Oh, man.

Come on, man.

Hey. Hey. It's me, man.

All right, man.

Do you know the most important commodity is time?

It's the only thing you spend you can't get back.

Nigga, do you hear me?

[gurgling]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

I'm not a woman who repeats herself,

because it wastes my time!

Don't you ever mix that rock-and-roll shit

with my soul music again.

Do you hear?

I promise. [coughing]

LINDA: All right. Come on.

Ah, you look like a man who's reconsidered my generous offer.

Um... I have conditions.

I set conditions.

Uh...

I don't want you at my club anymore

if you're going butt-ball naked at my fine establishment.

Oh, yeah. I heard what you did.

But you said I could say whatever I want.

I said you could say whatever you want,

as long as you packed the house.

Based on everyone that left the club that night,

I don't have high hopes of that happening at my joint.

I realize that your kind of funny

is for the privacy of perverts,

so instead of headlining my club,

you're going to record an album for me.

And they can hear your filthy vinyl records

at their drugged-out parties.

Now, to love Dirt is to see Dirt.

See, I gotta be in the room,

so I can uplift they souls and spirits, you dig?

Nigga, if you don't watch your mouth

in front of the lady, I swear to God, I will...

Easy, Grits.

Now, if you take my money, you owe me time.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Am I going to have to repeat myself about this, sugar?

No, no. No, no.

No.

Ooh, yo, Soul Train starts in ten minutes, Lady Marlboro.

Thanks, hon. [chuckles]

Ooh, I love that host.

Whew, shit. In another life.

I could see myself bouncing his balls all around my bedroom.

[chuckles]

In a holy matrimony-type way.

[laughs]

Oh. Now, McGirt.

You gonna run your ass down to my recording studio,

and after that boy Syl finish cutting his song,

you gonna cut me a comedy record,

or I'm gonna cut your lifeline short.

[dark music]

[chuckles]

Whoo!

[funky rock music]

♪ ♪

OWNER: Hey, that's my stuff!

Get back here! Crazy kids!

DIRT: Listen, dog, I wanna get so high, I get sober, baby.

You know what I'm talking about?

Lay it on me, Daddy.

Hey, mirrors still work, brother... use one.

That's what I'm trying to do, man.

No, nigga, you're not listening.

Look at your face in the mirror.

Not you, too, on this righteous kick shit, man.

Hey, I ain't selling you blow no more.

You're wasting your talent.

Would you do me like that, man?

I ain't got no choice.

Fuck you then, man!

Keep your shit.

♪ ♪

Now, being though I'm givin' you $200,

the same amount that I just tried to give him,

and he don't know you...

I'ma need you to show a little more titty meat

to distract him, you know what I'm talking about?

'Cause I'ma need a 50 on the side for tit work.

You'd do me like that?

Sorry, baby, but damn.

Nixon in office is making times harder than a convict's dick.

I'ma do you good right after, anyway.

Now, you drive a hard bargain don't you?

Come here. Take that.

Now get that booger sugar, honey.

DIRT: Shit.

Lord, have mercy.

Is that Priscilla?

Juanita? Cindy?

Peaches? How you doing, Peaches?

Now, you know your name Peaches, sister.

Come on, now!

Shit, that was my way of putting a smile on your face.

Can I ask you a deeply personal question?

Come walk with me real quick, baby.

NIA: Can you start with your name?

I'm Dirt McGirt.

No. Seriously.

What's your name?

Look, seeing as that we destined to have kids

and get married and all that,

I wanted to know what side of the bed you like sleepin' on...

The left or the right side, baby?

I have known you for all of three seconds.

Slow down, mister.

Well, I mean, slow down to the first date?

Shit, I'm glad you suggest it. I accept it.

That's not what I meant, but okay.

Dirt!

[quirky funky music]

Who's that?

[sirens wailing]

SINGER: Now hold on, baby.

[sultry blues music]

My friend Cinnamon was just wondering

if she could come over for a while.

Ha ha ha ha.

SINGER: Now, I know you don't like sharin'.

[cackles]

SINGER: But it's all equal over here, baby.

♪ ♪

'Cause sharin' is carin'.

[Dirt laughing, moaning]

[both moaning]

All right, now it's time for the scramble board once again.

Let's see what this beautiful couple has in store for us.

Say it loud. Black and proud.

- Say it with soul. - [funky music playing on TV]

Oh, shit.

I told my job I went to get cigarettes.

Mr. Parker's gonna fire me for sure. Fuck.

Soda and cereal, all day.

They've been on a real food kick lately.

Got everybody buying junk food.

Don Cornelius is a man you can trust.

Fuck it. I'ma get my job back.

SINGER: ♪ Things they never could ♪

♪ I like it, I like it... ♪

Say, don't you have an album to record, baby?

[snorts, groans]

I ain't doing shit for that bitch.

Ain't you gonna get in trouble?

♪ ♪

[smooching]

I been in trouble before.

- [moans] - It's the principle.

She don't get to decide if I'm onstage or not.

[scoffs]

Ain't this like "end up dead" trouble?

SINGER: ♪ You got enough power in your touch... ♪

First, it was Mike.

Then Daddy Cool. [scoffs]

Every-fucking-body thinking they can see me.

[laughs] Please.

You know what? Fuck it.

If I get fired, I get fired.

I don't know what the fuck to tell these people.

And why should you? You are who you are.

Don't be a robot to this jackass system.

[laughs] I like how that sounds.

[chuckles] God don't make no mistakes.

Shit, I've been who I was

since my mama squirted me out her hips.

These Banana Smacks good as a motherfucker, Mama!

Put some more milk in this bitch.

[audience laughs]

One day, the world drop a ton of rules on your head.

"Don't say that. Can't do this.

"Oh, no, that's wrong.

Act right." [scoffs]

Shit, if I can learn to see the world how they see it,

they should see it how I see it too.

We are who we believe we are.

- [huffs] - I believe in you, baby.

You okay, baby?

[soft dramatic music]

I know some people laugh at me,

not with me.

Think I'm some sort of minstrel show.

But those who know, know.

They will never see no talent like this again.

Ever.

So fuck that bitch and her studio!

SYL: ♪ I ain't going through no more changes ♪

♪ To keep you, girl ♪

♪ Make up your mind ♪

♪ Stay or leave ♪

♪ 'Cause any way the wind blows ♪

♪ It's cool with me ♪

♪ Any way the wind blows ♪

♪ Oh, it's cool with me ♪

♪ Any way the wind blows, it's cool with me ♪

[music stops]

LINDA: Yeah.

Now. Play me my comedy nigga shit.

He never showed up to his session.

I-I waited, and I waited. I-I swear.

[tense music]

Go.

For standing me up,

I want you to make that sucka number one...

Minus one, that's zero.

[KC & The Sunshine Band's "Boogie Shoes"]

DON CORNELIUS: All right, now.

It's time for a little bit of Soul Train line dancing.

SINGER: ♪ Come on, now ♪

♪ Put it down now ♪

♪ Sock it to me, huh ♪

Ooh!

SINGER: ♪ Foxy lady ♪

♪ Uh, she bad ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You'll come around ♪

♪ Oh, you gone be mad ♪

[groaning]

Damn, baby, them nipples hard as a motherfucker.

Cocoa butter that up.

[guns click]

Oh, them ain't titties.

[screams] Fuck!

Shit. Hey. Hey, man.

I ain't have your number. I was just about to call you.

GRITS: Get the fuck up. Stand the fuck up!

You know what, brother? I done left my jokes upstairs.

Hey, let me go get 'em real quick.

That's enough of all that bullshit!

GRITS: Yo, this is one funny nigga, huh?

GRAVY: Hey, he gonna be a funny dead nigga, in a second.

Shit! Who do you think...

- [whack] - Oh, damn it!

All this fighting's gonna get one of us hurt, man.

GRAVY: Yo ass gonna get hurt!

SINGER: Uh!

GRITS: Jiving motherfucker.

- SINGER: Uh! - [tires screech]

SINGER: Uh!

Uh!

♪ Baby, you laughing ♪

DIRT: Hey. Hey, man. You fellas hungry?

Let's go get some... Some pancakes.

- Chicken and waffles? - Nigga, I will break my hand

breaking your face, if you don't shut the fuck up!

Shit, man.

They ain't gonna have no chicken and waffles where I'm going.

[laughs, snorts]

Oh, co-come on, Gravy.

This... this fool funny.

You ever hear him playing at the Kitty Kat Club?

He got a familiar face,

but the cat I'm thinking of wouldn't be such a jive-ass.

Do I remind you of somebody you'd let go?

GRAVY: No! Motherfucker!

- It's me, man. - Nigga!

Ahh! Shit, man.

If it was up to me, I'd blow your brains out

all over the back of this Cadillac.

Don't you know laughter good for the heart, mind, and soul?

Ahh! Shit, man.

GRAVY: Stop all this shit!

GRITS: Since you about to die and all,

how about you tell us a little bit of your last material?

DIRT: Knock-knock.

GRAVY: Who's there? Who's there? Who's there?

- Not me, nigga! - What the...

SINGER: ♪ Baby, baby, come on, baby, come on ♪

SINGER: ♪ Baby, come on, baby come on ♪

DIRT: What the fuck? Anybody wanna...

Oh, shit, motherfucker! DIRT: Right motherfuckin' now.

- Watch out for the nuns! - [tires screech]

Oh!

GRAVY: you want us to go to hell, nigga?

- [car horn honks] - Whaa...

NUN: Holy shit!

DIRTY: ♪ You can never ignore ♪

♪ Hip hop to me is like the place to be ♪

♪ My specialty from me to you is MC ♪

♪ Say what you wanna say, baby say ♪

♪ I flip the microphone any day ♪

♪ I'm mad swift 'cause I got that gift of gab ♪

♪ Niggas get mad ♪

- ♪ Your ass never had ♪ - [nuns exclaiming] Oh, Jesus!

♪ This talent that I got will riz-zock... ♪

[clattering]

DIRT: Hey. Hey. Hey, man. Say, man.

Listen, whoever the fuck you are,

I got $10,000 in a safety deposit box,

and you can have that shit.

Just let me go, man!

What the fuck?

[tense music]

We've been watching you for some time now, Dirt.

What? White man. Who the hell are you, man?

Never you worry about who I am,

just what I am offering.

I have $5,000 for you.

That should, uh,

cover your little situation with Lady Marlboro.

You The Man, ain't you?

See, I knew The Man was looking for me. I knew it.

That's right. I'm The Man.

And I will have your ass thrown into a jail cell

until you rot, Dirt.

Tch. Man, only place I'm rottin' is the graveyard.

Yeah? Well, we can arrange that too.

Fuck is your problem, man?

SHADY GUY: Now, do you watch, uh, Soul Train?

You know, uh, do you know Don Cornelius?

The, "love, peace, and soul."

I might know some people. I don't know, man.

SHADY GUY: Oh, you'll be going down

to the taping of Soul Train

with a backstage pass where you'll be posing as a dancer.

You know how you people do.

There, you will complete your mission.

[scoffs]

What mission are you talking about, sir?

I think you got the wrong brother, man.

That... that ain't me. [laughs]

You will kill

Mr. Don Cornelius.

♪ ♪

DIRT: Let me get this straight.

You want me to kill Don Cornelius, Black royalty?

[laughs]

Damn, man.

You funny as hell, whitey. You big white man.

You must be out your motherfucking mind, man!

See, despite me sitting down, I am a stand-up,

Asiatic Black man

with his dick and balls

and his word intact, god damn it!

So you can shove that funky-ass assignment

up yo narrow white ass!

[funky percussive music]

♪ ♪

What the fuck?

Far out, right?

Whew, I need to get high for this, man.

What the fuck is going on?

We needed to make sure you weren't a sellout.

- You passed the test. - Nigga, what test?

I'm Leroy Roscoe,

brother-in-arms for the Black-Eye-A.

[chair creaks]

Oh...[chuckles] yeah. I got you.

Let's get you out of here, Dirt.

[grunts]

Black-Eye-A?

You heard of CIA?

Well, we're the Black-Eye-A, keeping a foot

so far up The Man's ass, he burps shoe leather.

Right on, brother. [chuckles]

You see, Black culture is expanding.

Music. Movies. Sports.

And The Man?

The Man fears our influence, so he waged an attack.

Soul Train.

You see, mighty whitey wants to kill us softly

with this poisonous food.

We've traced a spike

in unhealthy living in our community

back to the Soul Train scramble board.

Now, bear with me.

What I say next may be hard to believe.

Brother, you just wiped a white man's face

off of your face. I mean, come on now.

[chuckles]

LEROY: [sighs]

The CIA is behind it all.

They hijacked Soul Train by kidnapping Don Cornelius.

- Come again? - It gets crazier, brother.

You see, Don Cornelius is somewhere in a CIA safehouse

while the Robot Cornelius has been hosting the show

for the past year. The robot talks like Don.

Looks like Don, down to his perfect afro,

but he ain't Don.

That's why we need you to kill Robot Cornelius.

Can you do that for us, brother?

So you mean to tell me

the only reason that Don Cornelius don't dance

is because he's a goddamn robot?

I'll do it.

I'll blow that robot into metal motherfucking pieces, man.

Now, outta all the brothers in New York City,

I gotta ask, why you pick the Dirt Dog, man?

'Cause we know Dirt McGirt would never compromise himself.

Damn right.

[Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Hippa to Da Hoppa"]

♪ Aw, shit, here I go once again ♪

♪ Rhymes get shitty from the time that I spend ♪

♪ I come old like toe fungus mold ♪

♪ Ask my grand-pop pop duke gave my soul ♪

♪ Then I came with that old Al Green shit ♪

♪ Saaa-die, taught me the ballistic ♪

♪ I get too blurry in your eye with a high note ♪

♪ Down to the Brownsville, oops, you got smoked ♪

♪ The shit I'm dropping is stinking up your area ♪

♪ When I shoot it through... ♪

[Anita Ward's "Ring My Bell"]

SINGER: ♪ I'm glad you're home ♪

♪ Now did you really miss me ♪

♪ I guess you did by the look in your eyes ♪

Dirt, meet Candy,

our weapon specialist and all-around badass.

I love me some candy.

Yeah, I'll get this cat suited and booted

to ice the Robot Cornelius.

All right now.

Guns. Rifles. Bazookas. Lay it on me, mama.

CANDY: Nah, undercover brother.

All that bang-bang, pow-pow is for the pigs.

We move in silence.

SINGER: ♪ Ring my bell ♪

[boom]

[laughs]

CANDY: Now, this pinky ring is electronic with a pulse

that will disable the CIA's control over the robot.

You gonna wave it in front of Don's dead-eye stare,

and that'll disable him for 20 seconds.

SINGER: ♪ Bell, ring my bell ♪

♪ Ring my bell ♪

Oh, this 'bout to get good, man.

Pow!

CANDY: Now, while the robot is disabled,

you gonna peel back Don's afro.

That'll expose his circuit board.

Jam the pick prongs into the slots.

I designed a code inside the fist

that will self-destruct that Fugazi Cornelius.

Ooh, far out, sister. [laughs]

Far out, man.

[laughs]

While I admire the compliment and the accuracy,

I don't do prophylactics.

I'm the type of guy that like it raw,

you know what I'm talking about?

If you find yourself in an impossible situation,

this will get you out of there.

DIRT: Mm.

Well, uh, I don't know how I can do that.

I've never tried it, and, uh, yeah.

Ah, just open it up. You'll understand.

All right, the taping is starting soon.

It's time to finish the mission.

Okay, now, CIA cats is gonna be all over that scene.

You might not make it out alive.

You know that, right?

The Dirt don't die, baby.

You understand that, right?

- [record scratches] - Mm.

[sniffles, clears throat]

[funky music]

♪ ♪

The dancers have just arrived

and Don Cornelius is on the move.

[cheers and applause]

And here to help us check out some of their terrific tunes

off their hot new debut album entitled,

Can It Be All So Simple,

are two young men who've captured the hearts

and minds of millions of music lovers.

Please give a warm Soul Train welcome

to the LittleJohn Brothers.

[mellow funky music playing]

BOTH: ♪ Hello, my love ♪

♪ I heard a kiss from you ♪

♪ Red magic satin playing near too ♪

♪ All through the morning rain I gaze ♪

♪ The sun doesn't shine ♪

♪ Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind ♪

♪ A present from you, strawberry letter 22 ♪

♪ The music plays, I sit in for a few ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

It's time for the Soul Train Word Scramble,

and who do we have here today?

Talani.

DON CORNELIUS: And where are you from?

Inglewood, California.

You're familiar with how this works.

You have 60 seconds to unscramble the board.

♪ ♪

[Robot Cornelius whirring]

CIA AGENT: Someone changed the scramble board.

We have an intruder.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

DIRT: Robot Cornelius!

[Robot Cornelius whirs]

I'm calling you out, jive turkey.

There's only one way in and one way out.

Ah!

- [grunts] - Whoo!

Ah!

- [clink, crunch] - [groans]

Fuck it. Let's get it on!

- [clank] - Aah!

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[crunch] AGENT: Aah!

[music end notes]

You really thought you was gonna get away

with using our music to fool the world's children,

you fake mother-less sucka?

About as fake as your stand-up routine,

so I guess we have something in common.

It's a shame I have to kill you.

DIRT: Get in line.

Matter of fact,

get your Black robot ass in the back of the line.

Ha-ha-ha.

You got jokes.

I don't like jokes.

Well, I don't like phonies.

- [screams] - Your Black-Eye-A ring

won't work on me.

DIRT: [grunts]

[Robot Cornelius whirring]

[groans]

Now who's the fake?

[whirring]

[ding]

Got you, sucka.

Now you get a complete view

of how I whoop your featherweight ass.

ROBOT CORNELIUS: Self-detonation activated.

Shit is gonna blow.

I better get to the rooftop!

[countdown beep escalating]

CANDY: If you find yourself in an impossible situation,

this will get you out of there.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

[condom whooshing]

Oh, shit!

[funk/pop]

♪ ♪

[mellow music]

The Black-Eye-A thanks you.

The Black Power movement thanks you,

and I thank you, brother.

[laughs] Ooh, baby, the Black-Eye-A don't play.

Any moment now,

the brothers'll be appearing with Mr. Cornelius.

The actual Don Cornelius?

While you were kung fu fighting,

the CIA called for some reinforcements...

- No. - And exposed their safehouse.

- DIRT: No way. - That's right.

We were able to rescue Mr. Cornelius.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

Mr. Dirt McGirt.

Ha, Mr. Don Cornelius! It's a pleasure, brother.

The man had a plan

to slow the train of our progress,

to hijack soul,

until you put an end to that bullshit.

See, I knew he cursed when he wasn't on TV, man.

Talk yo shit, Don.

I owe you one, Mr. McGirt.

It's Dirt, man. You don't owe me shit.

It was my pleasure.

Well, then, let me leave you with this.

I don't play ball, tell jokes, or sing.

I stay true to myself and do my own thing.

Dang.

Being your own boss never gets old,

as long as you do it with peace, love, and soul.

- DIRT: And soul! - Now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to go see my family.

They must be terribly concerned about my wellbeing.

You know what, Don?

I-I just lied back there so I could come off well.

I need a big favor, Don.

What is it?

Could you, Don Cornelius,

get me back onstage at the Kitty Kat Club?

- Man, come on. - How would I do that?

See, people always telling me how I can't just be me.

I'm just our ancestors' dream.

Shit, I know my comedy ain't for everybody,

and you one of the most trusted Black men in America.

Baby, you Don Cornelius!

If you can just explain that to Airtight Mike,

man, I'm sure that'd get me unbanned.

I'll be back onstage. The ladies will be...

I'll do you one better.

I'll emcee your introduction to the stage.

- Now, how would that be? - Oh, man.

That will be a beautiful thing, brother.

- [laughs] - My brother.

Just let me go change my clothes first

before I get out there.

Yeah. I'ma go see you there.

I gotta get there early to rehearse and everything.

[whoops, laughs] Thank you.

Yeah!

[laughs]

[jaunty percussive music]

♪ ♪

[intense soul music]

♪ ♪

[background chatter]

See you down below. Hey, brother.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Brother, brother.

I wanted to ask you.

Brother, how'd you get Don Cornelius to be here tonight?

Yo, the people are talking, and they are flocking, playa.

It's a long story.

I'll tell you right after this set.

Whoa, nigga. What's happening?

AIRTIGHT MIKE: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Only talent backstage, all right?

Hey, yo, French fry, if you don't shut the fuck up,

I'ma smother your ass in ketchup.

Listen, man, he-he don't got nothing to do with this.

That's-that's-this your money right here, plus interest.

Lemme see that. Thanks.

Yeah, it's here, and some.

LINDA: Okay.

The skinny one can go.

[Don Cornelius speaking indistinctly onstage]

Wait a minute.

You remind me of someone.

Have you ever been to Ohio?

Ohio?

Oh, no. [chuckles] No, ma'am.

Look, I'ma let y'all handle y'all business, all right?

I'ma meet you by the stage, all right, brother?

[chuckles] Excuse me.

It's all there, man.

I'm telling you.

Mm.

Ha.

Remember what I said about my time?

Whoa. [yelps]

[tense music]

Please. I'll sweeten the deal.

I'll make three albums for you. Just don't kill me.

With that money, you'll be making profit.

You'll be making profit before you even start.

I hate this business.

It's not my time.

[gunshot]

[panting]

It's not my time. It's not my time.

[gunshots]

[groaning]

H-Help.

[coughs, panting]

- Help. - Nigga, you can die fuckin'.

[laughs]

[heavy music]

♪ ♪

[applause]

I want to thank all you cool cats

and foxy ladies here tonight.

I'm your guest emcee, Mr. Don Cornelius.

[cheers and applause]

Tonight, I'm here to welcome a new friend,

an all-around rock-solid dude,

and from what I understand, a crazy comedian.

Word on the grapevine is that this man is admired by a few

and disliked by many.

Now, let's get to the bottom of this.

Let's figure it out, people.

[laughter and applause]

DIRT: Now, to love Dirt is to see Dirt.

I gotta be in the room

so I can uplift they souls and spirits, you dig?

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

DON CORNELIUS: I am newly familiar with Mr. Dirt McGirt,

but I found the brother to be authentic.

And when I ask people on both sides

of the matter of Dirt McGirt, they agreed.

He's authentic.

We are all just our ancestors' dreams,

and our success represents those dreams coming true.

Now, I'm sure Mr. Dirt McGirt

has rubbed some people the right and the wrong way.

A man is who a man is. That man is himself.

I gather that's why he calls himself Dirt.

Not filthy, not nasty, but dirt.

Like the Earth. The essence.

Truth.

What is in the dark must come to the light,

and so I ask tonight that we listen, we hear,

we open ourselves to Dirt McGirt.

And as the old saying goes, God made Dirt, and...

ALL: Dirt don't hurt.

[cheers and applause]

AIRTIGHT MIKE: Hey. Hey, Dirt.

- What's up, nigga? - Brother, you good?

- Never better. - Congratulations.

Get your ass on that stage, nigga.

He didn't even wait for the introduction to end.

Give it up for the old dirty doggy.

The Ol' Dirty Bastard.

[cheers and applause]

♪ Ah ♪

[fading, echoing]

[bell rings]

RODRIGUEZ: Hey.

What's up, boy? What's up?

- [indistinct chatter] - [laughs]

So yo, you heard what they're saying

about, uh, Dirty's record?

They're saying it's like a concert album.

I knew the niche, hardcore fans would embrace the albums,

but the hip-hop purists are feeling it too.

Well, they both love it.

Crazy motherfucker took 'em inside his head. [laughs]

Yo, he wants you to really feel it, all right?

- Mm-hmm. - Like it's big,

but it can be bigger.

Only something that he would do,

so we're talking '70s funk.

Hip-hop, right? Kung fu. A stage.

[Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" playing]

RZA: You get what I'm saying?

PRODUCER: Yeah.

DIRECTOR: All right.

And action!

DIRT: ♪ Raw ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya, shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mic so I can take it away ♪

♪ Off on a natural charge, bon voyage ♪

♪ Yeah, from the home of the Dodger Brooklyn squad ♪

♪ Wu-Tang killer bees on a swarm ♪

♪ Rain on your college-ass disco dorm ♪

♪ For you to even touch my skill ♪

♪ You gotta be the one killer bee ♪

♪ And he aim for the kill now ♪

♪ Jot that down, pass it all around ♪

♪ Lyrics get hard, quick, cement to the ground ♪

♪ For any emcee from any 52 states ♪

♪ I get psycho killer, Norman Bates ♪

♪ My producer slam, my flow is like bam ♪

♪ Jump on stage and then I get down ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw, yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

[backwards rapping]

♪ ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya, shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mic so I can take it away ♪

♪ Off on a natural charge, bon voyage ♪

♪ Yeah, from the home of the Dodger Brooklyn squad ♪

♪ Wu-Tang killer bees on a swarm ♪

[disco/funk music]

♪ ♪

Get on the line.

CROWD: Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang!

[dramatic music]

RZA: We're not just moving forward.

We're moving upward.

That's what I've been reaching for.

We're the standard-bearers of hip-hop.

RZA: I set y'all all up in different shops

so we can take over.

If we don't deliver, these labels

are gonna give our slots to other artists.

There's things in this life you have to take seriously.

I take life serious.

♪ ♪

Bobby, you control the music.

You cannot control their personal lives.

We gotta get this album done.

This ain't something that's just gonna come out of nowhere.

CROWD: Wu-Tang!

This next album gotta be revolutionary.

DIVINE: Stop trying to control everything.

It's only a matter of time

before they start to resent you for it.

We're 2/3 through the recording budget.

We still have nothing to show for it.

They gonna hold money from us that they owe,

and they gonna sue us for money we don't have.

You gotta start laying down tracks.

Take us to number one in the world.

[dramatic hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

When we come together, the music is real.

It's irreplaceable.

Whoo!

CROWD: Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang!

We gotta win, 'Vine.

Yeah, Abbot.

We gonna win.

[dramatic music]