Original subtitles

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Oh, blow.

I hate spring cleaning.

I'm sick of it.

Fresh air.

My oh my.

This certainly beats spring cleaning.

To think I've been down in my hole and not out here.

Goodness, what the devil's that?

Would you look at that.

You all right?

Oh yes, yes, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Er, I, er, I hope you don't mind me asking

but is this, er, is it a river?

Course it's a river.

- Yes. - Never seen one before?

Oh, yes, yes, oh yes.

No, no, no.

Do you care to join me for a row?

Just fetch my togs.

Give me your hand.

It, er, it, it, it helps if you sit down.

Rat.

Mole.

I haven't seen you around these parts

before, have I?

No, no, I, I, I'm generally underground.

I, I, I rarely go outdoors.

When I do, I try to stick to within a few yards

of a molehill.

Yes.

I, I, I've never been in a, a boat before.

Really?

Yeah.

What on earth do you do with your time?

Believe me, my friend, there is nothing, absolutely nothing,

half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

In 'em, out of 'em, doesn't really matter.

Nothing seems to matter when you're in a boat.

Listen, if you've nothing else on, perhaps we could take

a trip down river together.

Make a day of it.

There's a hamper in the boat, a soft wind in the willows.

There's more to life than living down a hole.

Tuck in.

Cold chicken, cold ham, cold beef.

Cress sandwiches, French rolls, potted meat, ginger beer,

lemonade, G and T.

Just a few meagre provisions.

What a day!

That's my house.

Right here on the river.

Oh, you, you mean, you mean, you mean, you actually live

right by it?

By it, with it, on it and in it.

It is brother and sister to me, aunts and uncles,

food and drink.

What it hasn't got just isn't worth having.

There are floods in February

and lovely dry patches in the August heat.

What, what's that?

Oh, that's, that's nothing.

That's just the Wild Wood.

We don't get over there much, us riverbankers.

Looks a bit scary to me.

Does anybody live there?

The weasels and the foxes.

Badger, of course.

He lives at the heart of it.

No-one would want to meddle with him.

The only person around here with any real authority.

So, what, what's beyond the Wild Wood?

The Wild World, of course.

But you wouldn't want to go there,

so please don't ever mention it again.

There you are.

Chin-chin.

Out of the way, landlubbers!

Hello!

What on earth was that?

Toodle-oo.

That, I'm afraid, was Toad

and his current fad for sculling.

Well ain't it a bit dangerous?

Oh, absolutely.

Don't worry, won't last.

First it was bicycling, but he soon grew tired of that.

Then it was hot air ballooning.

You know, I've gotta say, he did look

rather impressive with...

He's a perfectly nice fellow, really.

No stability whatsoever, particularly in a boat.

It's only a matter of time before he's on to something else.

Come along, then.

Oh, er, right, could I, you know, have a go?

Er, not yet.

Wait till you've had a few lessons.

Er, if a toad can do it, then...

Stop it, you silly ass!

You'll have us over.

Silly ass.

I'm sorry about the...

Oh, what's a little wet to a water rat?

Don't worry.

I'll teach you to sail and to row.

By the end of the summer, you'll be as handy as any of us.

Cor!

I, I, I, I never thought life could be so exciting.

I'll fetch you some dry clothes.

You know, it rather reminds me of the day

that Badger and I had a little run in with a pike.

You see, the pike had this extraordinary...

♪ All along the backwater ♪

♪ Through the rushes tall ♪

♪ Ducks are a-dabbling ♪

♪ Up tails all ♪

Are you sure it's a good time to call on Mr. Toad?

It's never a bad time to call on Mr. Toad.

Early or late he's the same fellow.

Always glad to see you.

Always completely impossible.

Here we are.

My oh my.

Oh, he must be very rich.

What does he do?

Anything he likes, unfortunately.

Inherited it all from his father.

Gets him in no end of bother.

Hey, er, I wonder what happened here?

I told you.

If you ask me, I think he's tired of boating

and we'll have some other mania to contend with.

Ratty!

Hello, Toad.

Ratty!

Oh, let's have a look at you!

That's a face.

This is my good new friend, Mr. Mole.

Splendid.

Terribly pleased to meet you.

Lovely house, Mr. Toad.

- Lovely? - Oh, ow!

It's not lovely, it's magnificent.

Finest house on the river.

Finest in all England, or anywhere else for that matter.

Why would one ever leave?

I'm not going to be modest about it,

I've got nothing to be modest about.

Oh, animals, animals.

I'm so pleased you came.

I need your assistance.

With, with your boat?

Boats?

Heavens no, Mr, er...

Mole.

Yes, silly boyish amusements.

I gave up boating a long time ago.

Oh, it makes me downright sorry to see two fellows

wasting time on such an aimless activity.

No, you shall see.

It will change your life forever.

I have discovered the only genuine occupation

and propose to devote the remainder of my days

to the pursuit of it.

Ta da!

There's real life for you.

Oh, the open road, the dusty highway, the hedgerows,

the rolling downs.

Hamlets, villages, cities, towns.

Here one day, up and off to somewhere else tomorrow.

But I, I, I, I thought you said you, you, you never wanted

to leave Toad Hall.

Travel!

Change!

Excitement.

The whole world before you.

An horizon always changing.

And this is perhaps the finest cart ever built.

See.

Biscuits, potted lobster, sardines,

everything a mole could want.

Letter paper, bacon, jam, dominoes.

A bunk for you...

For me?

A sort of hole down here for you, Ratty.

And I shall sleep up here.

Yes, friends, we shall set off together on our new life

this very afternoon.

This afternoon?

The open road, yes.

Travel, change, excitement, etcetera.

Oh, don't tell me you mean to stick

to the dull, old river bank all your life?

But I don't want to see the world.

I'm not going anywhere.

And Mole is staying with me, and that I'm afraid is that.

-But- -But it will be so thrilling.

Our hearts will run free.

England will be ours.

Our roof will be the stars

and the road under our wheels our path,

to eternal liberation.

Absolutely not.

Over my dead body.

My oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my.

This is the life, eh?

The open road.

Free from all the cares of the world, yes.

Oh Mole, my inseparable companion.

These are the days, Moley, these are the days!

I never thought life on the open road

was so much hard work.

Only for us, Moley.

Perhaps we can run away.

There's no point.

He's bound to track us down.

Our only hope is that he gets bored.

What a pleasant life.

Free from all the cares and woes of housework.

Come on, chaps, stop lazing about.

There are adventures to seek.

What wonders we shall see today?

I was hoping, er, the river bank?

Stop going on about the river bank.

Stuff the stupid river bank.

Think new vistas, grand adventure.

Like Mole here.

Oh, er, I, er, actually, I was hoping to go back meself.

What?

Stuff and nonsense.

You don't know what's good for you.

Come along.

I feel some travelling coming on.

♪ Life on the open road ♪

♪ With Mole and Rat and Toad ♪

♪ The gentle pace ♪

♪ Befits the place ♪

♪ As the ancients knowed ♪

♪ As nature it has taught ♪

♪ The best of all transport ♪

♪ Is a caravan ♪

♪ Without a plan ♪

♪ It's better far than sport ♪

What's that?

Road hogs!

Mr. Toad?

Are you all right, Mr. Toad?

Mr. Toad, are you all right?

Poop, poop.

Poop, poop.

Ratty!

Poop, poop.

Poop, poop.

Toad?

Speak to me.

Poop, poop.

Don't worry.

I, I, I, I will make an official complaint.

Complain?

You absolute ass.

About that swan, that sunbeam.

You might as well complain about the seasons.

Oh, no, I have seen the future and it is a motor car.

Poop, poop!

The poetry of motion!

Oh, how many flowery tracks lie spread before me.

What dust clouds shall spring up behind me

as I speed my reckless past.

What horrid little caravans shall be flung into ditches

as I pass.

Poop, poop!

What...

What do you think we should do with him?

It's hopeless.

Badger's the only person who can deal with him now.

Badger?

Well, perhaps we should invite him for supper right away.

Oh, he hates society.

If he had his way, he'd hibernate all year round.

Well, we've got to do something.

Oh, couldn't we call on him?

It's out of the question.

He lives in the middle of the Wild Wood.

And we're not going there.

We're going to have to deal with Toad ourselves,

and that's all there is to it.

Poop, poop!

Poop, poop!

Woo-hoo!

Woo!

Woo-hoo!

Poop poop!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Slow down, Toad!

Poop, poop!

Oh, this is dreadful.

Come on, Moley.

He's not really going to buy another car, is he?

There's no stopping him once he's got the bit

between his teeth.

I really don't think we should be doing this.

If we don't do something about Toad he's gonna end up

killing himself or summit.

And you said yourself, Badger was the only one

that could deal with him, so come on, let's go.

It looks awfully dark in there.

I, I, I really think this is a bad idea.

What?

I...

It doesn't look that w-wild to me.

Come on.

Oh, Ratty, Ratty, this way, come on!

Mole?

This way, Ratty, this way.

Ratty?

Ratty?

Where...

Where you...

Ratty!

Moley!

Ratty!

Where are you, Ratty?

Mole!

Moley!

Ratty?

Oh, Moley!

Ratty!

I'm so scared I can't think straight.

Oh, you've really done it this time, Moley.

I told you we shouldn't have come here.

We're gonna die in this forest and it's all your fault!

What are you doing on your backside?

Get up!

Look, I tripped over a, a, a, a door scraper

in the middle of the wood.

What's a door scraper doing in the middle of the wood?

I could've broken me leg on that!

Oh, thank goodness!

Don't you see what this means?

We're saved!

No, no, well...

'Cause you can't, really eat a door scraper.

It gets...

You absolute clot.

Look!

Badger!

We're saved!

Ring the bell.

Go away!

Should I try again?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We don't want to appear rude.

Badger!

Open this door!

Badger, open the door!

Go away!

It's me, Ratty.

What?

Speak up.

It's Ratty.

It's Ratty!

Go away!

Please, Badger, open the door!

I've warned you!

Ratty!

Why didn't you say it was you?

Come inside.

Bring your friend.

Come in, come in for goodness' sake.

There's a first rate fire.

There's, er, supper on the stove and everything,

and there's some spare dressing gowns

that should fit you somewhere.

My oh my.

Get those wet clothes off.

Let's get you sorted.

Look at this.

Look at all this!

Yeah, just a few things for winter.

What I don't understand is what you're doing

in the Wild Woods this late at night?

Don't you know that this place is crawling

with stoats and weasels at this time.

Well, Ratty had told me all about you.

How you were, er, grumpy and grizzly and...

Eh, oh, er, how you were the only one

that can control Mr. Toad.

What?

Mr. Toad.

Toad!

What's he done now?

Gone from bad to worse, unfortunately.

He has alas discovered the thrills

of motoring and has already had several major smash ups.

It's only a matter of time before somebody

is seriously hurt.

How many has he had?

Smashes?

Cars.

It amounts to the same thing really.

This will be the seventh.

The whole of Toad Hall is littered

with bits of broken motor car.

He's only been driving three months.

Yeah, he's been in hospital four times.

And the fines!

He may be rich but he's not a millionaire.

Well, we can't do anything right now.

Not in the off season.

Well anything strenuous or even moderately heroic

is quite out of the question.

But he'll be killed if we wait till spring.

No, no, I, I, I, I think Mr. Badger's right.

I, I think we should wait, 'cause...

'Cause I'm a bit tired.

But this is ridiculous.

No, no.

Everything has its time.

And it's season.

I promise I'll deal with Toad

but only once the year has turned.

Now if you ask me it's high time this young fellow

was asleep as well.

But, but...

I trust you are going to stay.

Haven't you just got up?

Exactly.

It's wintertime.

I told you this was a pointless exercise.

It's only half past six.

Poop, poop!

Out of the way, road hog!

Hello!

Oh, yes, excellent.

Yes, yes, this shall go very nicely in my collection.

Yes.

If I could just show you...

No.

Who are you?

- Hedgehogs. - Hedgehogs.

What are you doing here?

We was trying to get home from school, sir.

But we lost our way in the snow.

It's terrible bad outside, sir.

And Mr. Badger makes such nice porridge.

Sir, we were so bold, sir, as to knock.

Yes, less of the sir, if you don't mind.

Where is he now?

Went to his study, sir.

On account as he was particularly busy.

He said he was not to be disturbed.

What's going on here?

It's like Didscombe Station.

Can't anyone hibernate any more?

What are you two still doing here?

We were just finishing our porridge, sir.

Look, off you go now, home to your mother.

Yes, you'll be eating me out of house and home.

There's sixpence each.

And don't go spending it all at once.

Off you go.

Thank you, Mr. Badger.

- Thank you. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, fine.

Scallywags.

Oh, it's, er, it's a nice quiet home

you've got here, Mr. Badger.

Nothing beats living underground,

it gives a real sense of history.

Where'd you get all this?

Oh, it was just there.

All I did was dig.

Long ago, before everything grew, there was a city,

a city of people.

And this is where they stood.

It's where they walked and talked and slept.

Powerful, rich people.

They built a city to last forever.

So, where are they now?

Oh, who knows?

People come.

They stay for a while, they flourish,

and they build, then they go.

But we Badgers, we remain.

We might be, um...

Displaced?

Displaced for a while,

but, um, we're a patient sort.

So this used to be a city?

What?

So this used to be a city?

Oh, oh, yes, yeah, yeah.

And the rain rained and the saplings grew into a forest.

And the leaf-mold rose and obliterated.

Even fresh streams brought silt and oil.

And after a time our home was ready for us again.

The world turns in a big circle.

There is a power beyond us.

Oh, you can roll your eyes.

There are things in heaven and earth

that you couldn't even imagine.

Yes.

That's what we've always understood,

and humans, with all their new fangled ways, never did.

Anyway, it's time for you to be heading home.

Get your stuff.

Now if you go to the end of this tunnel, right to the end,

you come out at the edge of the Wild Wood.

Right.

Mm, and try to leave me alone until spring time.

Thanks ever so much, Badger.

Yes, goodbye.

Pleasure to meet you...

Oh, sorry.

Delicate little fellow.

Bye.

Mm, bed.

No, I, I, I don't like nature in the rough.

At all.

No, I, I think I'm more of a creature of, of tilled fields

and hedgerows and I've had enough of adventure

to last me a lifetime.

Civilization at last.

Are we nearly there yet?

Just through this village, over the hill

and we'll be at the riverbank in no time.

Ain't it a bit dangerous with...

Oh, never mind.

This time of year, they're all sitting safely indoors

sipping Spanish sherry, huddled round the fire.

You can look at them if you like.

No, I'm all right.

Go on.

Put that on the tree, pet.

What do you think Father Christmas

is bringing you this year?

Well you have been a good boy.

Please can I go home, Ratty?

I almost forgot I had one.

You don't want to go down a hole in the ground

in this freezing weather.

Oh, no, no, you, you don't understand.

I, I know it's shabby, and dingy and, well, it's not warm

and cosy like your place

or, or grand and beautiful like Toad Hall,

but, well it's, it's where I live.

Come on, we'll catch our deaths.

Oh, what a pig, what an absolute pig I've been.

Come along, Moley.

Come on.

Where are we going?

To find this hole of yours.

Really?

Come along.

Forward.

No, I can't...

Mole?

Mole?

Moley!

Home sweet home.

Oh, Ratty!

I, I, I think my heart will burst.

Well, make yourself at home.

Get rid of that.

I was, er, spring cleaning, and, from the, er...

That's the, um...

It's...

Oh, dear.

What have I done?

Well, we could be at your place, couldn't we?

Toasting ourselves by the fire.

Oh, it's so compact.

So well planned.

No.

No, we, we shouldn't be here.

I've got nowt to give you.

Nonsense.

Look, um, ah, here, here's a lovely tin of, er, sardines.

And, er, oh, some Captain's biscuits.

My favourites.

And, er, yes, here, oh, here's a smashing, um...

What is this?

It's a nice German sausage.

Ah, exactly.

Just, er, get me a duster

and we'll be as right as ninepence.

Well there's a small banquet for you.

This really is the jolliest little place I ever was in.

Really?

Oh, yes.

I want to hear all about it.

Oh, right.

Well, first I decided to dig a, a, an 'ole.

Most remarkable.

And then I digged another 'ole

so I had two interconnecting 'oles.

Marvellous.

And I might dig a third 'ole and maybe, er, put...

What's that?

Blowed if I know.

One, two, three.

♪ Villagers all, this frosty tide ♪

♪ Let your doors swing open wide ♪

♪ The wind may follow and snow beside ♪

♪ You draw us in by your fire to bide ♪

Oh, this is really delightful.

Come on, let's invite them in.

No, no, no, no, no.

I, I don't have anything to give 'em.

Absolute nonsense.

Bravo.

Well sung, everyone.

Come along inside and get yourselves warm.

Hello, young field mouse.

Now, do you happen to know if there are any shops

open at this time of night?

Well certainly, sir,

this time of year they keep all hours.

Well, you go and get yourselves

some Buggins finest cheddar and a bottle of Old Burton,

and we'll brew some ale.

Run along now.

Be as swift as the wind.

Yes, sir!

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our saviour was born on Christmas Day ♪

Such excellent harmonies.

They really are a very talented troupe.

Yeah, and they're hungry, too.

You should never have invited them in.

Ah, perfect timing.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh, plenty for everyone.

Don't get too excited.

There we are.

Smashing.

Well, it didn't go too badly in the end, did it?

You know, I would...

Poop, poop!

Spring has sprung!

Woo hoo!

Mr. Badger.

Come on.

There's no time to waste.

I said I'd take him in hand once the winter was over.

The hour has come.

Let's go.

- Toad! - Toad!

Yes, the hour of Toad.

I have learnt that this very morning

a new and exceedingly powerful motor car

arrived at Toad Hall, and Toad is at this very moment

donning singularly hideous habiliments.

We must be up and doing before it's too late.

Ah, well, what, what do you think we should do?

What?

What do you think we should do?

We will convert him.

And teach him to be a sensible Toad,

and save the unfortunate animal from himself.

Poop poop!

He'll be the most converted Toad there ever was,

by the time I'm finished with him.

And I'll give you another 50 for the chairs.

Thank you.

Oh, what a beautiful spring day.

Hello, fellows.

What do you think of the new motor, eh?

Had to sell all my chairs, but who cares.

I love standing up!

Is anything the matter?

Take him inside.

Oh, oh, what?

Wait, stop!

Nice and gently.

Watch out!

Morning, sir.

What is the meaning of this scandalous outrage?

Take off the driving suit.

You won't be needing it today, or any other day.

Certainly not!

Take them off for him then.

Be off me!

You unconscionable knaves, bankside pleb.

Oh, look, a shark.

Quickly, head him off!

He went that away!

Grab him, Moley!

Grab him!

Go get him.

Come on, Toad.

Oh, no.

Get off me!

Oh, no you don't.

My shoe, where's my shoes?

So, you are no longer the terror of the highways.

You knew it had to come to this sooner or later.

You, you disregarded our warnings.

Squandered every last penny your father left you.

Independence is all very well,

but you have become a public nuisance.

I am going to give you one last chance, Toad.

You will meet me in the smoking room,

where we will discuss this like gentlemen.

That's no good.

Talking to Toad will never cure him.

Poor Toad.

All he did was drive a little recklessly.

You've done it again, and again,

and again, and again.

Well, it went very well, actually.

Toad!

Contrition.

My friends, I have deeply wronged you.

I have wronged myself and the whole of amphibian kind.

I am sorry.

No.

Mm-mm, I am more than sorry.

I am pleased to inform you

that I have seen the error of my ways.

My gross offences, my hideous transgressions.

And I promise to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, not ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, to ever, ever ride a motor car ever again.

Ever again.

Promise?

Promise.

Right, well, well, this is all very good news, isn't it?

If only it were true.

Of course it's true.

He told me himself he had seen the folly of his ways.

Right, so it is true.

No, of course it's not true.

I am not sorry and it wasn't folly.

It was absolutely glorious.

You backsliding monster!

Mm, I've decided, I am not repentant and never will be.

So you don't promise never to touch

another motor car again?

No!

And what's more, the first car I see, poop, poop,

I'll ride off in it.

That's it.

Take him upstairs, you two.

Lock him up in his bedroom.

You verminous weasel, you myopic little squirts!

You killjoys!

You puritan prigs!

You...

No, it's completely gone...

In!

Yes, I've never seen him this determined.

We'll have to take turns guarding him

until the poison's worn out of him.

I see.

I'll find you Mole.

I'll run you over!

What do you think?

Maybe he's calmed down.

Oh, it's a train, it's a train!

Ship ahoy!

Poop, poop!

Poop, poop!

I'm being attacked by a cushion!

I'm being attacked by a shoe!

I'm being attacked by my foot!

Boink!

Boink!

Boink!

Moley.

He's still in bed.

Doesn't seem to be up to much.

Just lying there, listless.

Perhaps he's given in.

Careful.

This is when he is at his most artful.

See you later.

Ta-ta.

Hello, Toad.

How are you today, old chap?

Oh, very weak.

Very weak indeed.

Mole and Badger have gone to the pictures

so I, I thought I'd come and keep you company.

Oh, dear, kind, Rat, I, I feel I will never be well again.

But don't trouble yourself about me.

The last thing I want is to be a burden

to my very dear friends.

You know I'd take any trouble in the world

for you if you'd only be a more sensible animal.

If I really thought you meant it I would ask you

right now to run and fetch me a doctor but don't bother.

I don't wish to put you out.

Why do you need a doctor?

Surely you have noticed.

No, why would you?

Tomorrow you will say indeed, "If only I had noticed."

But, no, forget that I asked.

It's probably not fatal.

Look here, old man, I, I can't let you suffer like this.

I'll go at once.

Oh, er, please do call in on the priest

and have him come here.

The priest?

Well, just in case the doctor can't help.

Don't you worry, Toad, er, I'll, I'll return immediately.

You will hurry, won't you?

Get myself down.

Brains, one.

Brute force, nil.

Ah, just the ticket.

You blithering idiot.

Morning.

Your full English breakfast, with kidneys and sweetbreads.

And your finest bottle of port, oh, please, barman.

No, no, no.

Morning.

Morning.

Tea for two in the back room, please.

After you, dear.

Yes, yes.

Well, there's no harm in looking.

Yeah, I, I wonder if this is the sort

of car that starts easily?

Oh, oh, like a dream.

I say, that's my car!

Poop, poop!

Oh, dash it!

Poop, poop!

Now coming up on the fast lane, now it's Toad.

It's Mr. Toad leading the pack.

He's sure to get the ribbon,

and everybody will declare

him the most brilliant Toad of all time.

Yes, the winner today of the race is Toad!

This is freedom.

This is living.

This is propulsion into the modern world!

Oh, shoot.

To my mind the only difficulty that presents itself

in this otherwise very clear case,

is how we can make it sufficiently severe

for the incorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian

whom we now see cowering in the dock before us.

He has been found guilty of stealing a car,

driving to the public danger

and gross insubordination to the rural police.

Mr. Clerk, can you tell me what is the stiffest penalty

we can impose?

Well, clearly, stealing a motor car

is the most grave offence,

but cheeking the police undoubtedly carries

the most severe penalty.

So we could say 12 months for the theft,

three years for the furious driving

and 15 for the pretty bad sort of cheek.

Which is, by my reckoning, Your Honour, tots up to 19 years.

First rate.

So we should round that up to a straight 20,

just to be on the safe side.

Excellent suggestion, Clerk.

20 years it is then.

Ha!

Carried unanimously.

20 years?

No, no!

No.

Please, no, this is an injustice.

Actually, I might just...

Let's be having you, come on.

No, there's been a terrible mistake!

I...

Ah, here it comes.

No.

I wish Mr. Toad was here.

20 years!

It's gonna kill him to be locked up for so long.

I think it'll teach him a damn good lesson.

Well, he's very resilient.

I'm sure he'll make the best of everything.

No, this is the end of everything!

It's the end of Toad.

Popular, handsome Toad.

Rich, debonair Toad.

Generous and carefree Toad, so kind and hospitable.

How can I hope to ever be set large again?

Hello?

Who's there?

Wise old Badger?

Clever, intelligent Rat?

Not sensible little Mole?

It's only me.

Who are you?

I'm the Gaoler's daughter.

Got the keys off my dad.

I couldn't bear to see anyone so unhappy,

so I brought you some bubble and squeak.

Bubble and squeak.

A lifetime of roast beef would be no compensation!

Please your Bessie.

No, wait!

Hang on.

Oh, where have you gone to?

It's all right.

I'll eat it myself.

Come back, come back!

At least it's a start.

If you are going to be rude, you can forget all about it.

Oh, I won't be rude.

Ever again.

Honest.

Okay.

I'll let you have some bread.

Oh, the smell of warm kitchens,

hot breakfasts on bright frosty mornings, cosy-

Are you gonna eat it or what?

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

I feel myself once again.

Venerable Toad.

Great, wise, remarkably handsome Toad of Toad Hall.

Do you live in a hall?

Not just any hall.

It is an eligible self-contained gentleman's residence,

dating in part from the fourteenth century.

Replete with every modern convenience,

up to date sanitation

and only five minutes from the church,

post office and the golf links.

I was mildly curious, I don't wanna buy it.

And where do you live perchance, delicate creature?

Oh, I share a room upstairs with my father

and my six brothers and sisters.

Oh, well, we can't all be Toads.

Oh, what fun we had: Ratty, Mole and me.

Are you friends with a rat?

Friends?

We are inseparable companions.

Knights Templar against the modern world.

I really like rats, me.

Not as pets or nothing.

I think it's wrong to keep things in cages.

How true.

No animal in this world should be caged.

How we should all run free,

unfettered by the manacles of small minds

and bigotry of creatures larger than oneself.

You are so right, Mr. Toad.

Let me plump up your straw for you.

There you are.

Just think, only 19 years, 364 days to go.

Ta-ta.

You know, I'm finding it really hard

to enjoy meself when I think about Toad in his dungeon.

I know he brought it all on himself

but, I can't help but think that life is less

than it ought to be without him.

If I were you, I'd enjoy the peace and quiet.

By past experience,

I don't think Toad will be in there for long.

But he's been locked away for 20 years.

The rules that apply to you

and me somehow just don't apply to Toad.

You'll see.

I think it's time we turned in.

See, I, I don't feel tired at all.

Oh, hey, why don't we get the boat out

and, and, and, and ride upstream?

But it's nearly dark.

Well, the moon'll be out soon enough.

See, I've, I've, I've got this yearning

just to, er, be here with nature.

Don't you feel it too?

To be under the moonlight, floating free.

What's the point in freedom, if we never really use it?

All right.

I've never stayed out an entire night before.

Look how the meadow's changed by moonlight.

It's like a, a, like a land made of silver.

Must be nearly dawn.

Do you hear it?

What is that?

So beautiful.

So quiet.

There!

Can you hear it?

Oh, the beauty of it.

I never dreamed of such music.

The call of it is stronger than sweetness.

It's as if it's calling us to it.

There it is again.

Surely you can hear it now?

This is it.

The Holy place where the dream-song music is playing.

Is, is this the magic at the heart of everything,

like what Badger told us about?

I think it must be.

Ah, what things are in this world.

More than I ever dreamed of.

Are you scared, Ratty?

Scared of him?

Never.

Oh, Mole, I feel so small and yet as big as the world.

Do you think it is magic?

No.

I think it's just the truth,

at the heart of everything.

Mr. Toad.

Mr. Toad.

Mr. Toad.

I've been thinking, about what you said about incarceration

and, um, people being free and such like.

Yes?

Well, I wanted to say, um, you know,

I have an aunt who is a washerwoman.

Well we all have our crosses to bear.

I myself have several aunts who ought to be washerwomen.

No!

I'm trying to tell you something.

I think you'll have to be clearer.

I have an aunt who is a washerwoman for the prison.

She visits every week on a Friday.

Today is a Thursday.

You get my drift?

What does she want, a commemorative plaque?

Mr. Toad, you are very rich, as you endlessly tell me,

and she is very poor.

Now, I believe if she was properly approached

she would, for a certain fee, lend you her costume,

so you can escape!

What?

Dress as a washerwoman?

Well, in many respects you're very similar.

Particularly about the figure.

How dare you!

I have a very elegant figure, for a Toad.

So has my aunt, for a washerwoman.

Anyway, that's not the point.

You horrid, ungrateful animal.

I'm only trying to help you.

Horrid and ungrateful, is it?

I'm the one locked here in a dungeon.

And you'd have me parade up and down the country

dressed as a washerwoman!

Fine!

Stay here as a Toad, then!

Wait!

Wait.

Good, kind, beautiful girl.

Oh, you are so right, I am a putrid and ungrateful toad.

Oh, please, I would love to roam the world dressed in rags.

Do introduce me to your excellent relative

and I will arrange terms satisfactory to all parties.

Oh, what in the name of God is that hideous creature?

Madam, let me inform you, I am Toad of Toad Hall.

Well, I don't care who you are,

I'm not stripping myself of my essentials

for that, that odious beast.

I'll, er, give you a sovereign.

Yes?

That isn't even enough to get me to loosen me cap strings.

Nope.

All right.

But I want this back in exactly the same condition

I gave it to you in.

Er, one more thing.

I'd like you to tie me up.

What?

I'd like you to tie me up.

Tie you up?

To prove that you robbed me!

I wouldn't like to appear suspicious.

It'll be a pleasure, madam.

Well, you did say to make it look convincing.

Besides, I have a reputation to protect,

as a desperate and dangerous fellow.

And I said tying up, not amputate.

Terribly sorry.

Oh, thank the Lord for that.

Get off, you rascal.

Hello.

Sorry, I, I must...

All right.

Good day to you, madam.

Thank you kindly, sir.

Oh, hello, darling.

Yeah.

Good day.

Trains!

Thank you.

I, er, I'm, a ticket to Toad Hall, if you'd be so kind.

Sorry?

Toad Hall.

That'll be a farthing.

- Er... - Seems to be a hold up here.

Not long I hope.

Whatever can be the hold up?

I say, shall we come back later?

I say, hurry it up there, would you?

Hello, what seems to be the problem?

Look here, I, I find I've left my purse behind,

just give me that ticket, will you,

and I'll have someone send you the money tomorrow.

I, I think you'll find I'm very well known in these parts.

I don't doubt it, trying to pull a stunt like that.

Have you any idea who you are talking to?

Out of the way, my good woman.

I have a train to catch.

- Hurry up! - Come on!

Oh, oh, the humiliation of it!

Hello, ma'am, what's the trouble?

Oh, kind sir, I am but a lowly washerwoman,

and I've lost all my money,

and I can't get home for a very important appointment.

Well that is a very bad business indeed.

You've lost your money, and you can't get home?

And a whole family of kids waiting on you, I'll be bound.

Oh, hundreds of 'em.

All starving and playing with matches,

and that sort of thing.

I'll tell you what, love.

If you wash a few shirts for me when you get home,

I'll give you a ride for nothing.

Hop on, grandma.

Toad escaped, read all about it!

Toad escaped, read all about it!

Thank you again, kind sir.

When I get back I will do any quantity of washing.

You will have the brightest shirts

on the whole Southern railway.

You just hold on tight, grandma.

That's it.

Go on, faster.

Go on, faster!

Faster, faster!

Go on, faster!

Faster!

Faster!

That's it.

Go on, faster, faster!

Faster, faster!

Oh, when I get back, what a supper I shall have.

A duckling and roast beef and piles of mashed potatoes.

What's that?

I don't understand it.

We're the last train running on this line tonight,

but there seems there's another one right behind us.

And it's full of the queerest people, warders and policemen.

They're all shouting, "Stop, stop."

Oh, no.

Oh, oh, Mr. Engine Driver, I confess everything.

I am not the washerwoman I seem to be.

I have no children waiting for me.

I am a toad.

I have just escaped, by daring and cleverness,

from a loathsome dungeon my enemies had me thrown in.

And if these fellows on that engine there recapture me,

it'll be chains and bread and water

for this poor, miserable, innocent Toad!

Now, you tell the truth, now.

What were you in prison for?

Oh, nothing much.

Borrowing a car when the owners were at lunch.

I would have brought it back, had I not crashed.

Oh, you certainly have been a wicked creature.

And clearly, I should give you up.

But I'll not have people telling me what to do

with my engine.

Cheer up, grandma.

Full speed ahead!

Yippee!

Pull over, stop the train!

Stop!

They're gaining on us.

Look, there's only one way to get out of this.

As soon as we get over this bridge, I'll slow down

and you jump off before they can see where you've gone.

And then I'll lead them off as far as I can.

What?

Jump?

Without stopping?

It's your only chance!

Now!

Good morning, ma'am.

Ma'am?

I beg your...

Oh, yeah, I, I dare say it is to them

that's not in sore trouble.

But here's me trying to get home to my 13 young children,

and I've lost all my money and, and I can't get home.

Where might you be heading?

Oh, er, er, just down the river.

Yeah, very near to a very nice house named Toad Hall.

Er, where I does the washing.

I am in the washing and laundering line,

as you may have guessed already on account of my attire.

I'm going right past there.

You come along, I'll give you a lift.

Oh, Toad's in luck again.

You're in the washing business?

I do, I do washing, ironing,

clear-starching, evening wear.

I am a genius of the washing business.

Yeah, I do it all meself.

All yourself?

Yeah, well, I have my girls.

But you know what girls are, ma'am.

Can't take your eye off anything.

Anyway, once you've been brought up washing,

you never lose a feel for the suds.

Well, what a regular piece of good luck.

Sorry?

I've got a right tonne of washing down below!

Go on, be my guest!

I'd hate to see you up here idle

when you could be down there enjoying yourself.

Oh, how could I deprive you?

No, no, I insist.

Now, you shall do the washing you are so fond of.

No...

No, now, you wouldn't deprive me extending my hospitality,

now would you?

Please.

It would be my pleasure.

All right, then.

Poo!

Oh well, any fool can wash.

Oh, ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Oh, goodness.

Ah, here we are.

Oh, I can't see.

Oh, poo!

Oh, poo!

No, no...

Look at this.

Call yourself a washerwoman?

You've never washed a dish cloth in your entire life.

You common, low, fat barge woman!

Don't you dare talk to your betters like that!

I am a toad.

The very well respected, distinguished Toad of Toad Hall.

Admittedly, I may be under a cloud at the moment

but I will not be laughed at by a barge woman!

Why, so you are.

A horrid, nasty, crawly, foetid, filthy toad.

Hop it, hop it, off my boat, you overweight amphibian!

You web-toed cretin.

You, you pop-eyed, big-mouthed, ball of slime!

That's it!

No!

No, you come...

You come back here.

Stop!

He's got my horse!

He's got my horse!

Help!

Come back here, you lying toad!

♪ The world has held great heroes ♪

♪ As history books have showed ♪

♪ But never a name to go down to fame ♪

♪ Compared with that of Toad ♪

♪ The clever men at Oxford ♪

♪ Know all that there is to be knowed ♪

♪ But none of them know half as much ♪

♪ As intelligent Mr. Toad ♪

Wait, stop!

How will I ever get home now?

Could that really be?

A car!

Poop, poop!

A car!

Brothers of the wheel, I hail thee.

Stop.

Stop!

Oh, it is all over, I am in chains again.

I say, a poor washerwoman left on the road.

She looks in such distress.

Come on, we'll give you a lift.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, look, the fresh air is doing her good.

She looks better already.

Oh, much better.

Here, you don't suppose

I could sit next to the driver, do you?

Yippee!

Here, er, you don't suppose I could have a, a go

for a little bit?

No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, you crazy washerwoman!

Washerwoman!

I am no washerwoman, my friend.

I am the Toad.

The motor-snatcher, the prison breaker.

Stop the car, for heaven's sake.

As usual, Toad comes out on top.

♪ The motor car went poop poop poop ♪

♪ As it raced along the road ♪

♪ Who was it steered it into a river ♪

♪ Ingenious Mr. Toad ♪

Toad!

Ha!

Ratty!

Mole!

Oh, what times I've been through.

Such trials, such sufferings, but so nobly borne.

Toad, I don't want to cause you pain,

you've been through enough already,

but, seriously, you must understand

what an awful ass you've made of yourself.

An ass?

I've broken free from prison,

disguised myself convincingly as one of the lower orders.

I've washed linen, stolen a horse and humbugged everybody.

And been jeered at, insulted, terrified, handcuffed,

imprisoned, fallen in the water,

chased off a barge, by a woman.

Tell me, why would you risk being a, a cripple,

a bankrupt, a convict all for the sake of a motor car?

'Cause it was fun!

Awful fun!

Toad, you nearly killed yourself.

Oh, all right, I've been a conceited old ass.

But I've decided you are right about cars,

stupid, unreliable machines.

No.

I've decided it's high time I bought myself a motorboat.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I think I'll be heading back to Toad Hall.

Poop poop.

Toad Hall?

Oh, Toad, haven't you heard?

Heard what?

Nobody's told you.

Told me what?

About the stoats and weasels.

Stoats and weasels what?

The ones that have taken over Toad Hall.

When it looked like you were gone for good

there was a great deal of interest

from the, um, from the Wild Wood.

We told them you'd be back.

They moved in anyway.

They've been there ever since.

Oh, this is the end of everything!

They're there as we speak.

Sleeping in till midday, drinking your wines,

telling jokes about you.

Singing horrid, personal songs about you

with no real humour in them.

They told the tradespeople that they were staying for good.

Oh, did they?

Well, I'll jolly soon see about that.

No...

No, wait, Toad, come back!

They're armed to the teeth, man.

Who goes there?

Stuff and nonsense.

How dare you!

It's me, Mr. Toad!

Now jolly well get out of my way.

Retreat!

Retreat!

Reinforcements!

Reinforcements!

Well it's pretty much as bad as it can be.

We've been around the house at all hours

and it's always the same.

Sentry posts everywhere,

guns pointing at us from all directions.

The only thing to do is to find a balloon

and bomb them from above.

No.

- A balloon? - Mm.

I, I don't wanna get into a balloon

because they, they go up and I'm, and I like to be...

We need a tank!

We need a tank!

I can drive a tank.

Where are we going to find a tank?

A tank?

No, no, no,

- we can't get a tank. - I can get hold of a tank.

What's a tank?

Shut up.

All of you.

And listen.

Yes, it's true, Toad Hall is armed to the teeth.

And we have no hope of storming it directly.

There is something that I have kept to myself

for many, many years.

There is a secret underground passage

leading to the main hall.

Tonight there will be a banquet

for the Chief Weasel's birthday,

and they will all be there.

Drunk as Lords.

No pistols, no swords, no sticks.

And we'll come at them with pistols and sticks.

And whack 'em, and whack 'em, and whack 'em.

And I will be Toad of Toad Hall once more.

Affable Toad, lovable Toad.

Oh, what times we'll have.

I've been told that a fellow with my gift

for conversation should hold a salon.

Shut up, Toad!

We'll do this, only if you promise to turn over a new leaf.

Anything to get Toad Hall back.

If you're lying, I'll fry you for breakfast.

But I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

-ever, ever- -Oh, don't start that again.

Sword for Rat, sword for Mole,

sword for Toad, sword for Badger.

Er, pistol for Rat, pistol for Mole...

Oh, er, maybe I could be a lookout or something.

Because, you see, I'm a Mole, and we...

Come here.

Everybody has to stand up

and be counted at some time or another.

There you go.

Besides, you'll be a lot more use than Toad here.

Hmm?

There's a good lad.

I'll learn 'em to steal my house.

Really, Toad, don't say, "learn 'em," such bad English.

What's the matter with, "learning 'em?"

It's not, "learn 'em," it's, "teach 'em."

But we don't wanna, "teach 'em," anything.

We wanna, "learn 'em," a lesson.

What's this?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Come on, let's go.

Now follow me.

And Toad no chattering or I'll send you back.

Mm?

Yes.

Chilly, isn't it?

Ooh.

Shh!

Is it Wednesday or Thursday?

Mole...

That's it.

Home!

It's not my fault, I didn't do anything at all.

Sh!

I think I can hear something.

Mm.

We must be directly under the hall.

I say, you've gotta hand it to them,

they really are going for it, aren't they?

- Sh! - Oh, sorry, yes.

Sorry, yes, yes.

Everybody shush.

Now boys, all together.

And before I resume my seat,

I just wanna mention our kind host, Mr. Toad.

Good Toad, modest Toad.

On whose honour, I have composed a little song.

Oh, yes.

♪ Mr. Toad and his friend Badger ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪

♪ Are thrilled to bits ♪

♪ But in my opinion ♪

♪ They are stupid little ♪

Enough is enough!

Toad and his friend Badger, eh?

Seize the moment, Ratty!

Take the advantage, Mole, get in there!

Let's go.

Move it, move it!

En garde!

Ow!

Whack 'em hard!

Whack 'em!

Oh, sorry.

Don't apologise to him!

You know whose house this is?

Was?

Is?

Hello.

No, I don't like it, I don't like it.

Get off me!

I'll get this point out of the wall

if it's the last thing I do.

Ratty?

Please, um...

En garde!

Ratty!

Ha ha!

Come here, young fella.

Stand and fight.

Stand and fight, why don't you.

Oh, sorry!

Ah!

Right in the, um...

That's it, right where to hit 'em.

Go home to your mother.

Goodbye.

En garde, you blackguard.

Who's next?

Ha!

Absolutely first class.

Well done.

Home, sweet home.

Well done, chaps.

Hear, hear.

Especially young Mole.

Ah.

For your cleverness and bravery.

Fairly taken back with matchless valour.

And, the proper handling of sticks.

To the proper handling of sticks.

- Yeah. - Big sticks.

Sticks.

Oh, thank you, every one of you.

Welcome back to civilization.

Yes, well, we must celebrate.

We must organise a feast, where we all sing songs,

and I can give one of my speeches on the prison system,

and the waterways of Old England, etcetera, etcetera.

Sit down, Toad.

What?

Sit down.

All right.

Now, Toad.

There will be no banquet, no songs or speeches.

Well, you have to have speeches.

Toad!

That's an order.

You can have a few people around for a nice afternoon tea,

but that is that.

Maybe just one little song?

No!

What fun is life without a bit of showing off?

Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't do speeches any more,

I told you.

Oh, well, if you insist.

I have invited you all here today to meekly acknowledge

the return of Toad Hall to its rightful owner.

The quiet, modest, terribly good-looking me!

Yes!

Me, me, me, me, me!

And you will all be thrilled that I have composed

one of my famous ditties especially for your delectation,

"Toad Came Home at Last."

♪ There was a panic in the parlour ♪

♪ And howling in the hall ♪

♪ There was crying in the cowshed and shrieking in the stall ♪

♪ When Toad came home ♪

Thank you.

♪ There was smashing in of window ♪

♪ Crashing in of door ♪

♪ There was chivvying of weasels ♪

♪ Who fainted on the floor ♪

♪ When Toad came home ♪

♪ When Toad came home ♪

Thank you very much indeed.

Terribly well done, Toad.

- Oh. - Yes, terribly well done.

Oh, Doctor Owl, it was nothing, really.

Really?

No, really.

Badger did all the planning,

and Mole and Rat took the brunt of the fighting.

Oh, Mr. Toad, how lovely to have you back.

Well, I'm very pleased you could come.

Toady, I say Toady, aren't you going to do

one of your rip-roaring speeches?

No, no, I, I think my speech making days

are behind me, yes.

Yes, I don't really see the point

any more of useless frivolity, enjoyment or over-enthusiasm.

No.

No, I have learnt a great lesson.

Do help yourself to non-alcoholic punch.

Do you really think we did the right thing?

Maybe there's room for all types of animals.

Who knows?

At least we'll have a quieter life.

Yes.

♪ Bang go the drums ♪

♪ The trumpeters are tooting ♪

♪ The soldiers are saluting ♪

♪ And the cannons they are shooting ♪

♪ And the motor cars are hooting ♪

♪ As the hero comes ♪

♪ Shout hooray ♪

♪ And let each one of the crowd try ♪

♪ And shout it very loud ♪

♪ In honour of an animal ♪

♪ Of whom we're justly proud ♪

♪ For it's Toad's great day ♪

Poop poop!

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