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00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:02,803
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #050
"Everybody Hates Bad Boys"
CLOSED CAPTIONED
2
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:03,704
CHRIS ROCK:
After months
of being around Tasha,
3
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:04,405
we had become
really good friends.
4
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:05,039
"Wake Me Up
Before You Go-Go"?
5
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,207
What does that even mean?
6
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:07,141
The problem was: I didn't want
to be just a friend.
7
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:10,444
I wanted to get
out of the friend zone
8
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,513
and into the lover zone,
9
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,482
and the only way was
to swing for the fences.
10
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,716
Can I ask you a question?
11
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:17,051
Yeah.
12
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,352
Will you go with me?
13
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:20,454
Go where?
14
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,323
Strike one.
15
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:25,226
No, I mean, like,
go together.
16
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,195
We are together.
17
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,629
Strike two!
18
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,800
No, I mean, like,
you and me go out.
19
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:33,834
What?
20
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,304
Strike three and you're out!
21
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,072
Boy, you so crazy.
22
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:39,807
(scoffing):
Yeah, I'm so crazy.
23
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,342
Are you about to go home?
24
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,843
Yeah, to cry.
25
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,545
Yeah, I guess.
26
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,480
Since the direct approach
didn't work,
27
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,349
I wondered what would.
28
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,184
I thought about being romantic.
29
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,519
Chris, what are you doing?
30
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,854
These are for you.
31
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,290
Boy, you're so crazy.
32
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:57,591
I thought
about being chivalrous.
33
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,160
Allow me.
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00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,364
Boy, you so crazy.
35
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,634
Boy, is that
your good jacket?
36
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,136
No.
37
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,504
I even thought
about being brave.
38
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:13,574
Hey... why don't y'all
leave her alone?
39
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,310
* Somebody tell me...
40
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:17,511
CHRIS:
Oh, God!
41
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:20,748
(all yelling)
42
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,117
Boy, you so crazy!
43
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,819
No matter what I did,
she always said the same thing.
44
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,621
I'm glad we're friends.
45
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:28,822
That makes one of us.
46
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:31,192
I think you're, like, one
of the funniest people I know.
47
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:32,493
Thanks.
48
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,330
Friends don't let friends
die lonely.
49
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,840
* Ah, make it funky now.
50
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:50,844
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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.
52
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,365
While I tried
to kick the Tasha blues,
53
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:13,167
my father came bearing news.
Hey.
54
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,202
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, everybody.
55
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,203
Hi, baby.
Hey.
56
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,605
I've got good news.
57
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,807
You finally kicked the gout?
No.
58
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,310
Chris isn't
your real son?
No.
59
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:23,844
Lionel Richie is back
with The Commodores?
60
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:24,845
No.
61
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,847
Did you trade Tonya
to the devil for cable?
62
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,249
No.
63
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,618
I am Employee of the Month.
64
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,752
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
65
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,554
That's nice, baby.
That's great.
66
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:35,289
Aren't you going
to ask me what I got?
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00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:37,225
A raise?
No.
68
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,859
Well, what did you get?
Your regular pay
69
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:40,361
and a kick in the ass.
70
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:44,332
A coupon for a free dinner
for six at Domaine et Mer.
71
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,300
ALL:
Domain...
72
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,701
Mayor?
CHRIS:
The man is where?
73
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,237
Is that Russian?
74
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:50,371
DREW:
No, that's Spanish.
75
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,272
No, baby, it's French.
76
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,874
Ah, dinner for six,
that sounds nice.
77
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:55,909
But there's only five of us.
78
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,478
DREW:
Yeah.
79
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,546
Maybe we can
bring somebody.
80
00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,780
Wait a minute now.
81
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,449
This sounds like a nice place.
82
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:02,850
We can't just bring anybody.
83
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,752
We thought
about bringing Vanessa.
84
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,587
I dated a French guy once.
85
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,256
I can't stand French food.
86
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,457
I mean,
hors d'oeuvres.
87
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,925
Who wants a piece of liver
on a toothpick?
88
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,461
You got any chimichangas?
89
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:14,762
We thought about Jerome.
90
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:15,829
Uh...
91
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,298
excuse me,
garçon.
92
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,766
Can we get
some more silverware?
93
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:19,833
I just put some out.
94
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,303
(chuckling):
I don't know
what happened to it.
95
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:27,475
We even thought about Mr. Omar.
96
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,277
Oh, my God!
97
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,278
He's choking!
98
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,279
Help him!
99
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,480
Hold on!
100
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,947
There's nothing we can do.
101
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,984
But he's still choking.
102
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:38,886
Not anymore.
103
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,621
Tragic.
104
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,989
Uh-uh.
105
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:42,990
You know what?
106
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,326
We need to bring
somebody classy.
107
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,261
Let me think about it.
108
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,663
I was still hoping to make
some progress with Tasha,
109
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,399
but Greg was convinced
all hope was lost.
110
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,401
Dude, once a friend,
always a friend.
111
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,668
It's the
Westermarck effect.
112
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:55,736
West what?
113
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:56,737
Edward Westermarck.
114
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:57,805
He was a scientist.
115
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,640
He concluded that
when two people live together
116
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,610
in close proximity
during the early years of life,
117
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,044
they will never become
boyfriend and girlfriend.
118
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,913
That means I still have
a chance with Shakira.
119
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,781
There's got to be some
way for her to see me
120
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:08,849
as more than just a friend.
121
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,484
What kind of boys
does she like?
122
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:11,985
I don't know.
123
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,422
Well, maybe you should ask
some other girls.
124
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,789
You'll get some ideas.
125
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,591
When you ask girls
what they like,
126
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,428
I found out you learn two
things: everything and nothing.
127
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,563
So what type of guys
do you like?
128
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,997
I like dumb guys.
129
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,599
I like tall guys.
130
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:26,900
I like girls.
131
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,803
Not interesting now,
but it will be later.
132
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:30,804
Free spirits.
133
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:32,706
Nice guys.
Bad boys.
134
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,842
ALL:
Rich.
135
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,043
Thanks.
136
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,545
I thought that was bad.
137
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:39,046
Then I found out
I wasn't the only guy
138
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,681
that didn't know anything
about women.
139
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,584
Girls like it
when you give them compliments.
140
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,685
Hey, baby,
141
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,455
I'm no Fred Flintstone,
but I can make your Bedrock.
142
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,458
Shut up, idiot.
143
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:51,792
I wasn't even talking to her.
144
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,628
Hey, baby, what you doing?
145
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:59,099
Julius, I'm gonna need
a few extra dollars this week.
146
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,501
For what?
147
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,436
Well, we can't go
to a nice restaurant
148
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,705
looking like
"Who let you in?"
149
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:05,939
I'm gonna need
a new dress.
150
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:08,742
The boys need haircuts.
151
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,511
And I need a new pair
of shoes.
152
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,413
So does Tonya.
153
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,682
I saw
these fake eyelashes...
154
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,850
There's this really nice shawl
that goes with the dress.
155
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:20,821
Pantyhose.
Only my mother could make
a free dinner expensive.
156
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,624
After getting every answer
under the sun,
157
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,125
I figured the only way
to find out
158
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,528
what Tasha liked
was to ask Tasha.
159
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:28,729
Tag.
160
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:29,997
You need to borrow
some detergent?
161
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,064
No, it's okay.
162
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,132
My grandma's ticky.
163
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,567
If I get the wrong soap,
164
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,436
she says it's going
to make her butt itch.
165
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:36,470
Do you have any quarters?
166
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:39,039
Yeah.
167
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,141
You know, I didn't expect
to see you here today.
168
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,810
I always do laundry
on Wednesdays.
169
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:43,944
I told you that.
170
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,779
Oh, yeah, I must
have forgot.
171
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:47,915
Don't you just hate
doing laundry?
172
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,683
Yeah.
173
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,752
But, you know,
I guess it'd be kind of cool
174
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,755
if you had a boyfriend
to do it for you.
175
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,623
No.
176
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,658
What kind of man does
a woman's laundry?
177
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,926
Strike one!
178
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,762
Yeah, no, that
wouldn't be cool.
179
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,431
I-I wouldn't do that.
180
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,165
I'd be like, "Woman, you
better do my laundry."
181
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,434
And I guess you want her
182
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,068
barefoot and pregnant,
too, huh?
183
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,537
Strike two!
184
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,639
Nah.
185
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,541
I was just kidding.
186
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,576
All right,
don't mess this one up.
187
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:19,547
So if you could go out with any
type of guy, who would you pick?
188
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:23,150
I know this is going
to sound funny, but...
189
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:24,752
I'd go with Slaver Slav.
190
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:25,753
Who?
191
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,689
Slaver Slav is
the preeminent bad boy of rap,
192
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,858
the top recording act
at Setback Records.
193
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,626
He is responsible
for the hit album
194
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,562
I'm Smacking
and Stabbing Somebody.
195
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,929
At the tender age of 16,
196
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,431
Slaver Slav was released
from prison
197
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:40,534
after serving 17 years
for aggravated battery.
198
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:44,137
This is Slaver Slav's first mug
shot, but it wasn't his last.
199
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,973
He released his first single
200
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,542
"Put Me in Jail Again and
I'll Smack the Stank Off You"
201
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:49,577
about a month later.
202
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,445
The rest is history.
203
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,847
Slaver Slav?
204
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:54,815
Why?
205
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:55,849
He's a bad boy.
206
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:58,185
I mean, you never know
what he's going to do next.
207
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,987
Yeah, stab you or shoot you.
208
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,321
All the girls like him.
209
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:05,559
Now if I could just get locked
up, I could finally get lucky.
210
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,160
Wait,
that didn't come out right.
211
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,869
Hey, man, I've been
looking for you.
What's up?
212
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,772
I've got every tape and
article on Slaver Slav.
My wigga!
213
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:22,743
All you have to do is
study him, learn him, be him.
214
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,478
Thanks.
No problem.
215
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:25,746
(record scratching)
216
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,014
Watching Slaver Slav,
217
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:30,017
I learned the most important
thing about being a bad boy.
218
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,486
When it comes to girls,
the meaner the better,
219
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,988
and whatever you do,
don't be nice.
220
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,625
* Girls be talking
about what they like *
221
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,659
* I don't care
222
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:39,660
* 'Cause I ain't nice
223
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,195
* I talked to you once,
don't call me twice *
224
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,898
* Kiss my ass, girl,
I ain't nice *
225
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:47,901
* I got no manners,
I wear bandannas *
226
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,604
* Word on the street
is I'm bananas *
227
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,640
* I got a lot of money,
I'm cold as ice *
228
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,275
* So get out my face,
ho, I ain't nice *
229
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,878
* I ain't nice, I ain't nice
230
00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:00,614
* Ha, ha, Slaver Slav!
231
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:05,553
(girls panting)
232
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,621
That girl on the left
eventually had a baby
233
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,990
with Ghostface Killah.
234
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,263
Chris, I hear your father
got Employee of the Month
235
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:17,264
down at the paper.
236
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:19,499
Yeah.
237
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,904
They still giving out
their free dinners?
238
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:24,772
Uh-huh.
239
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:27,240
Subtlety was not
Doc's strong suit.
240
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:30,544
Uh, that's usually
for six people, right?
241
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,813
Uh-huh, I'm thinking
about asking Tasha to go.
242
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,848
Oh, Tasha.
243
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,184
'Cause she looks better
in a dress.
244
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,852
Slaver Slav.
245
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,288
The bad boy
of rap.
246
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,255
You know him?
247
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:46,794
Yeah, he broke up
with my best buddy's niece.
248
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,862
That boy is bad.
249
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:51,832
He treated her like nothing,
and she still loved him.
250
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,000
See, that's what
I don't get.
251
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,135
I don't understand why girls
like you to treat them bad.
252
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,270
Chris, women are crazy.
253
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,673
They think just
because they get a bad boy,
254
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,710
they'll be so special
that they'll be the only ones
255
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,645
to make him treat
a girl nice.
256
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,781
It's just like trying
to climb Mount Everest.
257
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,950
Every now and then,
somebody does it,
258
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,019
but they usually end up
in a snow cave,
259
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,086
chewing on their own leg.
260
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,222
Analogies were not
Doc's strong suit either.
261
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,257
Are we still
talking about girls?
262
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:21,094
Chris, all I'm trying to say
is Slaver Slav figured it out.
263
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:24,064
If you want a girl
to go crazy over you,
264
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,933
be like Mount Everest.
265
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,200
Be difficult.
266
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,670
Try to get to her
to eat her own leg off.
267
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,973
And whatever you do,
don't be nice.
268
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,343
And again I say there's
a reason why Doc lives alone.
269
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:39,312
I was a bad boy years before
Martin Lawrence and Will Smith.
270
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:40,748
Hey, Chris.
271
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,149
Do I know you?
272
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,117
You don't remember me?
Do I look like I remember you?
273
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,653
I'm Yolanda.
274
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,387
Yolanda?
No. Sonia.
275
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,122
Why you acting
all funny?
276
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,291
Look, I'm just trying to read.
Why don't you go do something?
277
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,360
I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute. Dag!
278
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,728
Did you come here
279
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,363
to buy something
or just get on my nerves?
280
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,032
How come every time I come in
here, you always playing me off?
281
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,001
What's your name again?
It's Carla.
282
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,070
Does your head just do that,
or is that a nervous condition?
283
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,972
You ain't got to talk
about nobody.
284
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,674
What's up with that hat?
You don't like it?
285
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,375
If it's covering up a bald spot,
it's fine.
286
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,843
It's much better than your hair.
287
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:10,978
What's wrong
with my hair?
288
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,245
What's not wrong with your hair?
289
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,715
Call me.
290
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,717
Call me.
291
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,351
Call me.
292
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:22,322
* If we talked,
what words could I describe... *
293
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,825
I didn't know
if this would work on Tasha,
294
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,927
or if she had too much
self-esteem.
295
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,095
Hey, Chris.
296
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,196
What?
297
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,298
I said hi.
What's wrong with you?
298
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:32,966
Why does something got
to be wrong with me?
299
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,101
Maybe you just didn't say hi
loud enough.
300
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,169
Forget it.
301
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,270
Damn!
302
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:40,140
Why did I listen to an old fool
that lives alone?
303
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,042
Did I do something to you?
304
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,210
No, but I wish you would.
305
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,177
Girl, ain't nobody
thinking about you.
306
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,345
Okay.
307
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,680
Except me.
308
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,148
* Cold-blooded,
the way you walk *
309
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,750
Are you going to the bus stop?
310
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:50,918
Yeah. Why?
311
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,219
Do you want me
to walk with you?
312
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,186
I don't care.
313
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,354
* Sexy *
314
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,890
* Mama, you're too cold for me
315
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:58,892
(laughs)
You're trippin'.
316
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:02,229
And you're falling for it.
317
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,065
* Who are you...
318
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,467
I heard your father made
Employee of the Month.
319
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,969
Who told you that?
320
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,070
Tonya.
321
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,071
Oh. (scoffs)
322
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,405
The girl talk too much.
323
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,807
That's true.
324
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,175
You didn't want
me to know?
325
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:18,078
Nah, it's just that
she be running her mouth.
326
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,813
I got this free dinner
327
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:22,415
at this place where
Slaver Slav eats-- place called
328
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,984
Domaine et Mer.
329
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,086
He might be ignorant,
but he loves good food.
330
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:29,256
Slaver Slav? Wow.
331
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,925
Yeah. My mom wants
to invite one more person.
332
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,160
I'm, like,
"Yo, Mom, bus' it.
333
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,262
Why we got
to take one more person?"
334
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,229
There's more food for us.
335
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,131
I wish I could go.
336
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,067
He says the food
is incredible.
337
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,002
Yeah, well,
that's what we gonna do.
338
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,471
If you want to come,
then come on.
339
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,473
Are you asking me to go?
340
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,276
I ain't asking you twice.
341
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:50,310
Thanks.
342
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:51,745
(bat strikes ball)
343
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,346
MAN (on TV):
It's a home run!
344
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,983
And that ball is out of here.
345
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,751
Hey, Ma.
346
00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,219
Hey, sweetie.
347
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,954
Found somebody
to go to dinner with us.
348
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,122
Oh, that's okay, baby.
349
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,290
I decided to
take Michael.
350
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:04,992
Uncle Michael's
coming?
Yeah, man.
351
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,293
I heard
French food
352
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,394
real good!
353
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,229
(speaking French)
That's French.
354
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,364
I've been studying,
'cause I'm ready to go.
355
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,301
Ooh, la, la. I can't wait.
356
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:18,138
And I can't wait for you
to choke on that spaghetti.
357
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,977
CHRIS ROCK:
Trying to take a free meal
away from my uncle Michael
358
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:25,913
was like trying to take a bone
away from a pit bull.
359
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:26,980
Let me get this straight.
360
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:29,817
You want me to give up
a free dinner for a girl?
361
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,318
Michael, please.
I already invited her.
362
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,787
I've been trying to get with her
for I don't know how long.
363
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,322
If I blow this, probably
won't get another chance.
364
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,924
I don't know.
365
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,892
What do I get out of it?
366
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,193
What do you want?
367
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,795
The one thing my uncle loved
368
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,831
more than a free meal
was a bunch of free meals.
369
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,498
All it took was
a shrimp basket...
370
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,234
What's up?
What's up?
371
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,902
Mmm! Later.
Later.
372
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,437
...and a slopper.
373
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,205
Hmm. What's up?
What's up?
374
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,273
Mmm. Later.
375
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,541
Later.
376
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,477
What's all this?
377
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:58,946
Well, I just thought
378
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,480
that since we're going
to a nice restaurant,
379
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,315
we need to brush up
on our manners.
380
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,251
I don't want y'all in there
embarrassing me.
381
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,518
For a free meal, I don't care
382
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,387
if y'all showed up
butt-naked with socks on.
383
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,589
If we were butt-naked,
we wouldn't have socks on,
384
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,024
would we?
385
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,325
We're not even there yet,
and I'm already
386
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,895
embarrassed.
What's going on?
387
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:17,230
Mom is trying to teach us
manners before we go out.
388
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:20,333
Manners? Who's going to teach us
how to use all these forks?
389
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,135
I'm getting to that.
Where's Michael?
390
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,370
He's the one needs
to learn some manners.
391
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:24,471
Oh, yeah, Uncle Michael
stopped by earlier.
392
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,939
He can't make it to dinner.
393
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:28,208
Oh, well, I don't know
who else to invite.
394
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,977
How about Tasha?
ALL:
Tasha?
395
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,312
Do I have to buy everybody
shrimp and sloppers?
396
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,146
Is that okay with you, baby?
397
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,448
Sounds like
a good idea.
Oh, good.
398
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,185
Translation:
she eats like a white girl.
399
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:41,421
My father was really excited,
but he was about to find out
400
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,290
that his free dinner
had a high price.
401
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,125
(clears throat)
Good evening, sir.
402
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,293
May I help you?
403
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,528
Yes. We have a
reservation for six.
404
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,530
Um, it was made
by the newspaper.
405
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,933
I'm the Employee
of the Month.
406
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,335
That look means,
"Oh, great, poor people."
407
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,436
Employee of the Month,
408
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:57,938
party of six.
409
00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:59,306
I don't have anything available
right now,
410
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,009
but if you have a seat,
I'll be right with you.
411
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,244
Never trust a black man
who speaks French.
412
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:07,114
Hi. Banks party
for six, 8:00 p.m.?
413
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,248
Bonsoir, Mr. Banks.
414
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,482
Right this way.
415
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,018
Ah, good.
Come on, gang.
416
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:11,985
Oui, oui.
417
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,553
Oui, oui really means
white, white.
418
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,955
Bon appétit!
419
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,423
Thank you.
420
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:24,464
She's about to smack
the duck liver out of him.
421
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:25,465
(clears throat)
422
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,200
May I help you?
423
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,970
I thought you said you didn't
have anything available.
424
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:30,904
We don't.
425
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:33,673
But you had something available
for them.
426
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,543
They are... how do I put this?
427
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,978
They are paying.
428
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:38,678
They're white.
429
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,680
Oh, hold on.
We're paying.
430
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,481
No, you're not.
431
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,950
You're not white!
432
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,384
We provide the newspaper
433
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,453
with one complimentary table
a month.
434
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,489
The provide us
with a reduced ad rate.
435
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,158
So you're not paying.
436
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,559
Now, if you check your coupon...
437
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,694
You do have your coupon,
don't you?
438
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,997
Does he know
who he's talking to?
439
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:59,466
It says right here
that promotional seating
440
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,135
is subject to the manager's
discretion.
441
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,604
I am the manager;
it's my discretion.
442
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:07,607
So are you telling us
that we can't sit down?
443
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:08,976
(laughs)
444
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,410
You-You can sit down.
445
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:12,379
(laughs)
Just can't sit
at the same table.
446
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,413
What?
447
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:17,550
This is so nice.
448
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,087
I wonder what
Slaver Slav would order.
449
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,454
Bet it be cheap.
450
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,490
And fried.
451
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,328
Nothing's cooler than
lighting a match for no reason.
452
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:31,931
Do you think the kids
will be okay, baby?
453
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,669
They'll be fine.
454
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,972
Meanwhile, back at
the Diff'rent Strokes table...
455
00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,140
This is so cool.
456
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,408
Thanks for letting us
sit with you guys.
457
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,575
No problem at all.
458
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,077
You're our guests,
459
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,445
so feel free
to order anything you want.
460
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,379
For real?
461
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,547
For real.
462
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,249
(laughs)
463
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,319
Meanwhile, I had started acting
like a bad boy for Tasha,
464
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,354
but ended up being a jerk
to everybody.
465
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:55,555
Can I take your order?
466
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,757
Bus' it.
We get some French fries?
467
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,759
We don't have French fries.
468
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,162
Y'all call yourself
a French restaurant.
469
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,531
All right, what y'all got?
470
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,333
Uh, have you had a chance
to look at the menu?
471
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:07,400
Nah.
472
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,568
Y'all got some fish?
473
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:09,536
We have several types.
474
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,638
All right, well,
fry some of that up for me,
475
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,506
get us some drinks,
some salad with French dressing
476
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,008
some of them escargots,
477
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,310
some French onion soup,
some French toast,
478
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,512
and for dessert,
some French vanilla ice cream.
479
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:20,613
Anything else?
480
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:23,550
Y'all got French mustard?
481
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,118
I'll check.
482
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,287
Check on then.
483
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,290
(French instrumental
music playing)
484
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:34,261
You want one?
485
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,200
Excuse me?
486
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,337
That's the French version
of black-on-black crime?
487
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:45,505
(sighs)
488
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:46,673
So, what are you
having, baby?
489
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,209
I'm about to have a fit.
490
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:51,178
Hey! Hey! Hey!
491
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,450
May I help you?
492
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:58,685
Do you see us sitting here?
493
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,288
I'm not understanding
the question.
494
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:04,457
Look, man, we just want to have
our dinner and get out of here.
495
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,059
Could you please take our order?
496
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,827
Yes. What would you like?
497
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,430
Oh, yes. Okay, um, I was
looking at this item
498
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:11,664
right here.
Excuse me.
499
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:14,201
See that.
500
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:17,337
Is there something wrong?
501
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,172
Yes. They gave you
the wrong menus.
502
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,340
These
503
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,509
are the Employee
of the Month menus.
504
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,377
What?
505
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,546
There's only
three things on here.
506
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,348
Yes, and we're out
of the chicken.
507
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,083
What?
508
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,551
Take your time.
509
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,255
But I wanted the chicken.
510
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,623
Wow.
511
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,225
I've never had
coq au vin before.
512
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,693
You two have such
great manners.
513
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,462
Your mother must be very proud.
514
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,197
Well, she said
if we didn't act right,
515
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:45,532
she'd slap the caviar out of us.
516
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,234
Oh.
517
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:49,569
Béarnaise, anyone?
518
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,841
I don't think you're supposed
to have your feet on the table.
519
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:57,544
Ain't nobody ask you.
520
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,347
(sighs)
Young man, I'm going
to have to ask you
521
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,449
to take your feet off the table.
522
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,783
What if I don't feel like it?
523
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:06,486
Then I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
524
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:12,159
What if I don't feel
like doing that either?
525
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:15,828
You're with the Employee
of the Month, aren't you?
526
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,202
What is going on over there?
527
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,438
Is that Chris?
528
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:28,341
What?
529
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:33,913
* Everybody plays the fool
sometime *
530
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:37,517
* There's no exception
to the rule *
531
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,719
* Listen, baby
532
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:43,556
* It may be factual,
may be cruel *
533
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:45,592
* I ain't lying
534
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,794
* Everybody plays a fool...
535
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,629
Chris!
536
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,631
What?!
537
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:55,668
(heartbeat thumping)
538
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,170
(rhythmic beeping,
air whooshing)
539
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,638
ROCHELLE:
Hey, baby.
540
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,273
Ma?
541
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,275
How's everything going
in here?
542
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,811
Oh, Doctor,
is he going to be okay?
543
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,646
Well, I think we'll be able
to get it out,
544
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,281
but you won't be able
to wear that shoe again.
545
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:09,382
Hang in there, big guy.
546
00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:11,684
WOMAN (over intercom):
Any available IC nurse, 609.
547
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:12,652
Any available...
548
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:13,853
How you feeling, sweetie?
549
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,555
Not too good.
550
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:18,625
(sighs):
Well, why were you
acting like that?
551
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,328
Just trying to
impress Tasha.
552
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:24,331
By acting like an idiot?
553
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:27,600
No. She said she liked bad boys,
like Slaver Slav.
554
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,702
Trying to act like him.
555
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,903
Without the money.
556
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,440
Baby, you can only be
who you are.
557
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,908
If she doesn't want you,
then you don't want her.
558
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:38,578
That day I learned the most
important lesson in life:
559
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:41,281
be yourself,
or get a pump in your ass.
560
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,383
Mommy's gonna get you
some ice chips, okay?
561
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,352
Better get a shoehorn, too.
562
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:46,919
Dr. Anthony to the...
563
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,555
Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
564
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:49,589
(rhythmic beeping)
565
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,923
Hey, Chris.
566
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,426
Tasha?
567
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,395
Yeah. Are you okay?
568
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,897
Yeah, I'll be fine.
569
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,734
I just wanted to apologize
for acting like such an idiot.
570
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:02,969
Forgive me?
571
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,671
Yeah, it's okay.
572
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,539
That's what friends are for.
573
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,341
Thanks, Dionne Warwick.
574
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,710
Is this your x-ray?
575
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,412
Yeah.
576
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,747
(laughs):
Boy, you so crazy.
577
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:17,750
Crazy like a boy
with a shoe up his butt.
578
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,686
(sobbing)
579
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,688
* Everybody hates Chris.
580
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:25,525
Captioned by
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