Original subtitles

I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I just can't play ball with you today.

When constipation starts getting you down,

flax aide will have you feeling like yourself again.

At a boy, Jimmy.

♪ Angel was just a little girl ♪

♪ Daddy's pride and joy ♪

♪ His little pearl ♪

♪ But she died when she was seven ♪

♪ Now she's up in heaven ♪

♪ Now when her daddy is in a jam ♪

♪ Angel says ♪

Daddy, here I am.

♪ She's daddy's little angel ♪

♪ She's daddy little angel ♪

Angel.

Angel, where are you?

Angel.

What is it, Daddy?

Where in the heaven have you been?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I was giving a man directions.

Directions in heaven?

Yes, but turned out he was in the wrong place though.

The wrong place?

Well, who was he?

I didn't quite catch the name,

but he had a tiny mustache and he talked in German

and he said heil a lot.

I hope you told him where to go.

Listen, Angel, there's something I'd like you to do for me.

Okay, Daddy.

I'm having some associates come over tonight

to play cards and I thought that since I'm the only one

who can see or hear you, thought maybe you could

oh fly around the room and tell daddy what the cards are

that the other men are holding.

That sounds like cheating.

Well, it's not cheating exactly.

I don't think God would like it.

Well, why don't we make this our little secret?

I just love that little girl.

She's so cute.

She's not a little girl anymore.

This show's over 30 years old.

My daddy's the best daddy ever.

I wonder what she's doing now.

I can't believe it's really you.

God bless you.

I used to watch your show every week

and I still watch it in rerun.

You were such a beautiful little girl.

Thank you.

That's really very nice.

Would you mind saying one

of those things you used to say on your show?

If it's not too much to ask.

Sure.

Uh oh, my daddy's in trouble again.

That's wonderful.

Wonderful.

My daddy's the best daddy ever.

God bless you.

You given so much joy to so many people.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

And after you've gotten an autograph

from our television star,

maybe you'd like to take a look

at some of our fine used autos

here at Budget's wonderful world of autos.

Nobody beats our prices.

Nobody.

This is my book.

I wrote this.

Where did you get this?

I got it at a garage sale.

Oh.

Here you go.

Thanks a lot.

Boy, my friends are gonna laugh their asses off at this.

Jerk.

I am a filmmaker.

How would you like to be the voice of Ophelia the octopus

in Hamlet under the waves?

Oh, it's animated.

Animated?

That's brilliant.

♪ Little girl ♪

♪ Daddy's pride and joy ♪

♪ His little pearl but she died when she was seven ♪

♪ Crash ♪

♪ Now she's up in heaven ♪

♪ Now when her daddy's in a jam ♪

You know I was hoping there'd be more people here.

That newspaper ad cost me $300.

Not to mention what I'm paying you.

Why don't you do more television?

What, and give up being a pinata?

No way.

Time's up.

Hello.

Anybody.

It's really been a miracle in my life and it's taught me

that the little things really do mean a lot.

And it's colon cleanser.

Really?

Wait a minute.

You're telling me that this little jar,

this little jar right here,

is gonna help keep me healthy and happy.

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, absolutely not.

I would not lie to you.

And it's so easy.

You just sprinkle it on.

Just sprinkle it on.

Just sprinkle it on.

Let me show you just how easy it is.

Oh wow.

That is easy.

Bridgette.

Bridgette.

Oh, sorry.

No autographs today.

No, Bridgette.

It's me, Joan.

Little Joanie Sweeney.

Don't you remember?

You did my TV show with me, "Daddy's Little Angel"

when we were kids.

Right, right.

I do remember you.

I just wanted to congratulate you on your Oscar.

That's two now, isn't it?

Yes, that's right.

But then who's counting?

Now, what are you doing?

Are you still in the business?

Yes, I am.

Oh, good.

Good for you.

It's great to see you.

Oh my God, it's Bridgette Oliver.

The crazies are here.

I gotta go.

I've seen all your movies.

No autographs today.

Bye.

No, no, no.

Please can I have your autograph?

No autographs today.

Bridgette, please.

We love you.

Bridgette, don't leave.

We love you.

Bridgette, we just wanna talk to you.

It'll take two seconds.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to bother you.

No, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no.

Please wait.

Ah, like to go over your itinerary

for the next few month while you're here.

August 10th you've been doing

the round round of South Pasadena.

19th year at the physic fair

at the Holiday Inn in Bakersfield.

Beginning of September,

you have that comic book convention in Sparks, Nevada.

Ooh, that's a biggie.

Oh, by the way, how did that gig at the car dealers go?

Huh?

Was the rope better this time?

Yeah, it held.

Oh, good.

Why do I have to keep doing this crap?

You're my manager.

Can't you get me a movie or a TV show?

It just so happens I have a great TV offer

for you right here.

As long as I'm not wearing angel wings

and sitting next to Eddie Munster

on one of those where are they now shows like some has been.

I need to be.

Oh God.

Excuse me, Joanie.

Yeah, Manny Green, talent management.

Coco.

Coco, what's wrong?

Coco, you're crying.

I can't understand you.

Yes.

You are funny.

You are a very funny clown.

Who says your act sucks?

They're five years old.

What do they know about comedy?

Look, Coco.

Look, please.

I'll call you back, okay.

Clowns.

Sorry about that.

What were you saying, Joanie?

It's Joan.

I told you I'm a grown woman now.

- Joan. - Look, I'm an actress.

I need acting roles.

Doing the best I can.

I'm busting my balls to find you roles,

but they just don't wanna know about you.

In their eyes you're just little Joanie Sweeney,

America's little angel.

But see how would they know if I'm any good

if they won't even let me read?

Are you operating under the assumption

that talent plays a part in you getting cast?

Nobody gives a rat's ass about talent anymore.

You know what this business is about?

Publicity.

Getting your face out there.

Who's in, who's out.

Who's hot, who's not.

Here.

Take a look at this.

See?

She's on the cover of every tabloid in town.

People is doing a cover story on her.

Hard Copy, ET.

See, nothing like this ever happens to me.

That's the problem.

To the public at large,

you're just another child star who's gotten to,

whose mature abilities have yet to be discovered.

So I went to this audition yesterday

and after I finished reading, the guy says to me,

could you make it a little more Eddie Haskell like?

I said, hey, there's more to me than Eddie Haskell.

I swear I haven't had a decent role

since they stopped using vacuum tubes.

Hey guys, after this hand,

you wanna see my new infomercial about colon cleanser?

Got it right here.

You showed it to us two weeks ago, Joanie,

right after I showed you my infomercial

on boy wonder barbecues.

But Burt, this is totally different, 'kay.

I mean, this is the director's cut.

There's a lot of stuff in this you guys haven't seen yet.

You know, I gotta get myself a new agent.

You're really lucky, Joanie.

Seems like your agent works really hard for you.

Manny?

I guess he does.

Do you think he'd be interested

in taking on any new clients?

You know, I think his plate's really

kind of full right now.

Oh yeah, I guess it would be.

It must be hard to book someone

that was on TV such a long time ago.

I'll take three.

Well, Erin, I wouldn't worry too much if I were you,

'cause I'm sure you can always get

some extra work from Ron Howard.

I'll take two.

I have an auto show in North Carolina next week.

Really?

How's the money?

It's not bad.

Maybe I should call Adam

and see if I can bring in the Batmobile

and you know sell some photos.

Hey, who's booking it, Dana?

Well hell, I don't know.

Shoot.

You know how I am.

I don't pay any attention to those things.

You know, they just get me there.

No clue.

Likely story.

And believable.

Yeah right.

Hey, Joanie.

It's me, Rod.

Remember me?

We were almost married once.

Hey, don't look too surprised.

Listen, I'm gonna be in town this weekend.

Some studio hack wants to turn one of my novels

into fodder for the Cineplexes.

Anyway, I'd love to see you again.

What's it been 20 years, 25?

I'll call you when I get into town.

I'd love to see you.

Bye.

You can just forget about eloping with my daughter.

She's not going anywhere.

Does she know about the baby?

There is no baby.

It was a false alarm.

So now you don't have to marry her.

So why don't you just leave?

I still want to marry you, Joan.

I don't care if you're pregnant or not.

Let's just elope like we planned.

She's a star.

She belongs here in Hollywood.

Not in the middle of nowhere with some wanna be writer.

Oh no.

We worked way too hard to throw it all away now.

What do you want?

For once in your life think for yourself.

What do you want?

She wants her career.

I see you've made your decision.

Yes, she has.

Mom, he's going.

Good.

Rod.

You remember that emotion, honey.

You can use it in your acting.

Oh, excuse me.

It's kind of bright in here.

Could you dim the lights a little?

Si, Senora.

Thanks.

Joanie?

Rod?

Joanie.

God, you look exactly the same.

Thanks.

It is so great to see you.

It's great to see you.

Just sit down.

Sit down.

Oh, thanks.

And you must be doing really well

if they're making a movie out of one of your books.

Yeah.

Can't complain.

I'll say.

Any parts in it for me.

No, it takes place in a man's prison.

It's called "Prisoner of the System".

Oh, like I can't pass for a man.

Cut my hair short.

You saw "Yentl".

Oh, Papa.

Papa, why can't you talk to me like a regular person?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I don't think it would work.

And besides, I turned them down.

You turned them down?

They wanted to change the ending to my book.

I mean, they wanted to make it a happy ending,

so it would be more commercial.

I did not become a writer

so some studio executive pinhead could change my words.

I would never turn down a movie.

Pardon me for interrupting,

but you're Rod Van Horn the author, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

I am a great fan of your work, Mr. Van Horn.

I did my college thesis on "A Muse Remembered".

I hope you don't think I'm being nosy,

but I couldn't help overhearing what you were talking about

and I just wanted to say to you bravo

for your refusal to sell out.

I think "Prisoner of the System" is a masterpiece

and I only wish that more artists today

took the same attitude.

Excuse me, but are-

- Oh, yes I am.

My daddy's the best daddy ever.

Ready to order?

That's my sad history.

Three marriages, three divorces.

Any children?

No, I threw myself into my work.

I guess that's the price you pay when you're an artist.

How about you?

No.

In a way I've always considered my fans,

the three I have left, to be my children.

So you have no regrets?

I know I do.

Well, I didn't say I had no regrets.

I mean, I always felt badly about the way you and I ended,

but I would have to say my major regret was turning down

the part that Jodie Foster played in "Taxi Driver"

because my mother didn't think it would be good

for my career to play a prostitute.

Yeah, I imagine that would create a little resentment.

Oh, I wouldn't say resentment.

Somehow she's the president for it.

I can't even get on "Loveboat".

I'll never speak to you again.

Exactly.

So what happens now?

Want me take you home or take a little drive?

I don't know.

There's a movie I was hoping to catch on cable tonight.

A movie?

What movie?

It's just my movie.

It's called "The Girl Scout".

It's a low budget horror film I made a few years ago.

It's on tonight?

Well, that's perfect.

No, I don't.

I don't think we should.

What?

You afraid of what might happen?

Oh no.

It's not that.

It's just, it's a really lousy movie.

Come on.

It's exposure.

May be fun.

All right.

But do you have to promise not to make fun of it.

It's really low budget.

I wonder who that could be.

I'm not expecting anyone.

Who is it?

I'm really not supposed to answer the door

because of the recent string of murders.

Girl Scouts.

Oh, I guess that would be okay.

Hello, little girl.

Hello, would you like to try some of my cookies?

Sure.

What kind do you have?

Oh, watch this little girl.

She was such a brat.

Watch this, watch this.

What have you done to me?

What's in these cookies?

Oh my God.

It's you.

It's you who's been killing all those people.

I had to.

I took the Girl Scout's oath.

Honey, come on.

I told you it was bad.

Come on.

You're crazy.

Come on.

Be merciful.

I can't help it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hello, is this the police?

You've gotta help me.

There's a girl scout here and I think she's the one

who's been killing all those people.

No, no.

There's no one else here.

I'm all alone.

Are you alone in the world?

Are your problems getting you down?

Oh, I can't believe it.

Look, this is my commercial.

Someone who can help.

Someone with higher powers.

Just dial 1-900-4-ANGELS,

and talk to your own personal guardian angel.

I talk to my guardian angel all the time.

It's nice to know someone's looking out for me.

My angel gives me tips on the stock market.

My guardian angel tells me

where all the hot guys hang out.

Hey, who knows your problems

better than your own guardian angel?

Oh.

I'm not an angel, I played one on television.

So I know angels.

Don't be fooled by imitations.

1-900-4-ANGELS is the only 900 number certified

by the national bureau of heavenly bodies.

So why not make that call now?

Don't keep your angel waiting.

Oh.

How can you endorse this crap?

They didn't even spell angels right.

Oh, like that's my fault.

Come on.

You know, I just need to keep my face out there.

Whatever.

We've been through this.

I mean, how do you expect to get respected

if you're in garbage?

Respect.

They just need to know that I'm alive.

All right.

It's your career.

I'll just shut up.

Thank you.

I am a girl scout through and through

and to my troop I will be true.

I am a girl scout through and through

and to my troop I will be true.

I am a girl scout through and through

and to my troop I will be true.

Hello?

Joanie, you gotta get over

to Universal right away.

What is it?

They're doing a big screen version of your show.

They wanna see you immediately.

What?

"Daddy's Little Angel" the movie.

They wanna see you immediately.

Okay, I'll get over there right of way.

Thanks, Manny.

What?

- Honey. - What is it?

Guess what?

Oh.

I have to get to Universal right away.

My manager says they wanna see me for a movie.

Oh, I must be good luck for you.

Oh gosh.

Oh yeah.

You understand, right?

I mean, this could be it.

My chance to get back into the big time.

Yeah, well don't let me hold you up.

Good luck.

Oh, honey.

Last night was great though.

Really.

I thought so, too.

Yeah, but I have to go really.

Do me one favor then.

Yeah.

If you're ever gonna get out of this town

or even if you don't, will you please come

and visit me in Chicago?

It's awful lonely there with just me and my word processor.

Yeah.

Well you know, I'll try, honey.

Really I will, but you know if I'm gonna be filming a movie,

I'm not gonna have a lot of free time.

Well, what about Christmas?

Why don't we spend the holidays together?

I mean, that is if you don't have plans.

Oh, okay.

We'll see maybe.

Good luck.

Break a leg.

Roger will be reading with you

if that's all right.

Sure.

Okay.

We'll be doing the scene between little angel

and the old beggar woman.

So whenever you're ready, let's begin.

The old beggar woman has the first line actually.

Okay.

Let's start.

I'm ready.

Great.

The old beggar woman has the first line.

So you start.

What?

I said the old beggar woman has the first line.

Yes.

So that's your line.

What do you mean?

The old beggar woman has the first line.

You're reading for the part of the old beggar woman.

No, that's not right.

I'm Angel.

No, no.

Angel's a little girl.

We're reading you for the part of the old beggar woman.

It's a cameo.

No, I'm Angel.

That's my part.

I don't understand.

Miss Sweeney, did you talk to your agent at all?

We made it very clear to him that we were calling you

in here to read you for a cameo role of an old beggar woman.

No, but can I read for Angel?

What do you mean?

I'm Angel.

That's my part.

Angel's seven.

But who says she has to be seven?

I mean, when you think about it,

we don't really know what time is like in heaven.

A day could be 30 years.

I did hear that once.

And the earth was created in seven days.

So who really knows how long a day is in heaven?

Am I right?

We want to cast a little girl.

Now, Miss Sweeney, do you want to read

for the part of the old beggar woman or not?

No, I'm Angel.

That's my part.

My daddy's the best daddy ever.

Miss Sweeney.

My daddy's in trouble again.

My daddy's in trouble again.

I've got to tell you if you cast anyone else in this part,

people aren't gonna like it.

It's like Vivian Leigh and Scarlett O'Hara

or Judy Garland in the "Wizard of Oz".

Miss Sweeney, if you don't wanna read

for the part of the old beggar woman,

then I'm afraid we have no further business.

What's wrong with you people?

Are you trying to ruin a classic American television show?

You can't cast someone else in my part.

It's sacrilegious.

Okay then.

Well thank you for coming down, Miss Sweeney.

Wait, wait.

Just listen to me, okay.

Listen to me for a minute.

I created this role.

People expect to see me.

I photograph young.

Why don't you ask Miss Sweeney to leave?

No.

No.

No.

Why don't you come with me, Miss Sweeney?

You get your hands off me, you bunch of hacks.

People are not gonna stand for this.

There's gonna be a massive boycott of this studio.

No.

It's my part.

You can't take it away from me.

This is my part.

All right.

No, it's my part.

Daddy, daddy, daddy.

We'll somebody get security down here?

Daddy don't let them.

Daddy, go after them.

No.

This is my part.

What are you doing?

This is my part.

You jerk.

Who do you think you are?

As God is my witness, they're not gonna lick me.

I'll live through this if I have

to lie, steal, cheat or kill.

As God is my witness,

I'll never be small time again.

I'm telling you, you need the exposure.

You need the publicity.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Huh?

You asshole.

You knew.

You knew.

I was never so humiliated in my life.

You're fired.

Now Joanie, now wait a minute.

Morty, come on, move it.

You can't do that.

How come you didn't tell me I was reading

for the part of a beggar, huh?

What are you talking about?

What, a beggar?

What are you joking?

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

It must've been.

It must've been on the page

that got stuck in this damn fax machine.

Piece of shit.

They're making a movie about me.

They won't even let me play my role.

What's worse, they're making me audition

for the part of a lowly nothing.

It's a sacrilege.

You're right.

You are right.

I'll bet they don't even get this project off the ground.

I'll bet they don't even have the full backing yet.

I mean, how in God's name can they do the show

without you being in it?

It'll be a disaster, believe me.

You know something.

We should thank our lucky stars

that we are dissociated from this turkey.

I just never wanna be treated like that again.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Oh.

I am so happy to hear you say that.

You know that?

Because I have something in mind

that's gonna put your name back on the front page

of every newspaper in this country.

What is it?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

Oh, hey Sandusky.

Hold on.

One of my other clients has a big audition today.

Yeah, right.

So.

What did you think of Steve, huh?

Didn't I tell he'd be perfect?

Well, he's got a lot of talent the kid.

Oh no, no, no, no.

That won't be a problem for him at all.

He can get it up and keep it up full 10 inches.

We got a deal, right?

Okay, all right.

Send me over the paperwork.

Talk to you later, bye.

Sorry about that.

What was I talking about?

You were about to tell me your big idea

to put me back on top again.

Right, right, right, right.

Okay.

Now I don't want you to rush to any hasty decision here.

Okay?

Keep an open mind.

What is it?

You come out as a lesbian.

But I'm not a lesbian.

What difference does that make?

Lesbians are hot.

Ellen DeGeneres.

KD Lang.

Everybody loves lesbians.

I know I do.

I don't know.

No, it's perfect.

It's perfect.

You said you wanna come back on top again, right?

Well, what you need is publicity.

Daddy's little angel, a lesbian.

It's perfect.

Does it have to be that?

I mean, can it just be something else?

Joanie, it's flawless.

Trust me, everybody loves lesbians.

I mean guys get into it.

Women aren't threatened by it.

What do you say?

So we're here at Gay Life Magazine our very concerned

with the stereotypes the media

frequently presents of gays and lesbians.

Joan, do you feel that a public figure such as yourself

has a special responsibility to come out

in order to fight against these stereotypes?

Hell yeah.

That's why I'm doing this, you know.

I hate those frigging stereotypes.

I hope you don't mind me saying this,

but you seem much different in person.

Well, hey, you know how the hell it is

having to pretend to be something you're not

for a job or whatever, but hey,

this is the real me and chicks dig it.

How about you babes?

Either of you wanna beer, huh?

A nice cold brewski.

No, thanks.

I'm fine, thanks.

Are you currently in a relationship?

Me?

Hell no.

I'm getting it where I can, eating lunch at the Y

if you know what I mean.

So would you consider yourself sexually promiscuous?

Oh, I wouldn't say promiscuous,

but you know, I see a hot chicken, hell I'm moist.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Hey, back at you.

Both of you.

Chick power, huh?

Thanks.

Thanks.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, bye.

Manny Green talent management.

Hi, Manny.

It's me.

Yeah, I just did the interview and I think it went okay.

That's great.

This story is gonna rock this business to its core.

Yeah, I hope so.

No, there were two of 'em, a reporter and a photographer.

Yeah, I guess they were pretty.

Who cares what they were wearing?

Oh, Manny, I got to go.

Someone's at the door.

Call you back.

Who is it?

Hi, it's Mary Mundy from Gay Life Magazine.

I forgot to ask you a question.

May I come up?

Oh.

Yeah, sure.

Come on up, babe.

Hi.

Hey.

Hope I'm not disturbing you.

Oh, no problem.

You wanna ask me something?

Well.

Marcy and I were just out in the parking lot

and we both thought that there

was something not quite right here.

We think you're trying to put one over on us.

We don't think you're a lesbian.

Oh, well.

Why would anyone say she's a lesbian when she's not?

I don't know.

I was hoping that you would be able to tell me that.

Well hey.

You know, think whatever you want, but I know what I am

and if you don't believe me, that's tough tacos.

Really?

So, I feel like hearing some music.

You have any KD Lang?

No, not here.

Okay.

How about Melissa Etheridge?

No.

Ann Marie?

No.

You're definitely not a lesbian.

How 'bout Ethel Merman?

I'm afraid not.

What are you saying?

Because I don't have these CDs, I'm not a lesbian.

I mean, I thought you didn't like stereotypes.

Okay.

If you're lesbian, then prove it.

How can I do that?

I mean.

There's no way to prove it.

I know a way.

Hi.

Nice day, huh?

Listen, would you be interested

in making a little extra money on the side I mean?

You know, you can keep your regular job.

Joanie, please try to calm down.

It's Joan.

My name is Joan.

Joan, of course.

Now, just settle down.

Tell me what happened from the beginning.

Did you see today's Hollywood Reporter?

No, I didn't.

Okay.

Well, this morning I went to the newsstand

to pick up my lesbian interview

and I see this on the front page.

The Christian family cable channel has announced

that it will discontinue showing

the 1960s television sitcom "Daddy's Little Angel"

because of what they call the unacceptable lifestyle

of the show star little Joanie Sweeney.

The one time child actress recently revealed

to Gay Life Magazine that she is now a lesbian.

Great, Einstein.

This was your idea.

That's great.

You can't buy this kind of publicity.

When this story hits, the backlash is gonna be so big,

you're bound to be number one again.

It's great.

I'm very pleased.

So officers.

You know, like I was saying,

I'm really concerned about this stalker.

You know, I mean, I'm really afraid for my life.

So, have you guys heard anything about this man

you know who might be doing this stuff to me?

Yes, as a matter of fact, we did pick up the man

who was responsible for the death threats

that you've been receiving.

Really?

Is it the same guy who's been hanging out

at my apartment at all hours?

Yes.

And we found something very interesting on his person

that we thought you might be able to explain.

The subject was carrying this in his wallet.

Is that your signature?

Are you aware that making false claims

is a very serious charge?

You know, I've really had it

with you actresses pulling this stunt.

You think stalking's a laughing matter?

Oh no, no, no, officer.

Honestly, I didn't mean any harm.

Yeah, well.

The next time you pull a stunt like this,

we're gonna run you in so fast

and tell everyone the real story.

And I don't think you'll be pleased with that publicity.

Maybe you're right.

Well, they're onto us so I guess the jig is up,

but you did a really great job, really convincing,

but you know, just didn't work out so sorry.

Okay.

I'd like to give you a little something extra

for all your trouble.

Is $20 okay?

I can't take any money from you.

Oh no.

You went above and beyond the call of duty.

Because you're my wife

and a man can't take money from his own wife.

What are you talking about?

We're not married.

You're my wife and I'm your husband.

If I ever find out that you've been

unfaithful to me, I'll kill you.

Do you hear me?

I'll kill you.

A stalker.

You hired a stalker?

Why don't you just offer him a bonus to murder you?

That would make a great story.

I know.

I know.

Well, where is he now?

Outside.

He's in a tree right outside my bedroom window.

Call the police right now.

Honey, I told you I can't call them.

They'll arrest me.

And then they'll tell everyone I hired him.

Now do me a favor in all of this, will you?

Tell me that you've learned a little lesson here

that this is not the way to make a comeback.

Okay, okay.

Yes, I promise.

From now on no more stunts.

Manny Green, talent management.

Yeah Manny, it's me.

What time did you say the Enquirer is supposed to be here?

They're gonna be there right away.

Stay put.

Yeah, well this idea of yours better work.

Oh, trust me.

Trust me.

It's terrific.

Former child star living on the streets.

It's beautiful.

Oh, make sure it's good and pathetic.

Tear their hearts out, okay.

Show them the depths to which you sunk.

Yeah, I won't even have to act.

Great, bye.

Actresses.

I'm sorry, Coco.

Pizza boy, over here.

Over here, pizza.

I don't think I can take this from you.

Why not?

It's good.

This isn't the address on the check.

Well, I don't really live here, you know?

I mean, I'm just hanging out to be cool.

I don't think I can take this.

Look, I'm starving.

I swear the check is good.

Okay.

I'll be honest with you.

I'm an actress.

Joan Sweeney from television.

"Daddy's Little Angel".

It's a classic TV show.

My daddy's the best daddy ever.

You know?

And it's a really famous.

Look, can you just call your boss?

Hi, it's Edward.

Can I take a check if the address

is not the same as on the check?

No.

She lives in a cardboard box.

He says I can't take it.

Tell him who I am.

No.

Just let me.

Hi, this is Joan Sweeney.

My daddy's the best daddy ever.

You know?

And I'm on the classic TV show "Daddy's Little Angel".

And you know I'm.

Yes, the lesbian.

Look, I'm just here hanging out in this box, you know,

waiting for the Inquirer to take publicity photos of me

and they haven't arrived and I'm just starving.

So could you just?

Thank you.

He wants to talk to you.

Hey.

Okay.

He says I can take it.

Great.

You know, I'm making a film myself.

That's original.

Yeah, it's a go project.

I'm financing it with my credit card.

You know, there might be a part in it for you.

Oh, what's it about?

It's about a guy who has a job delivering pizzas.

And his mom works at a supermarket as a cashier

and she's divorced and she gets drunk a lot.

And the pizza delivery guy is saving all his tip money

so he can get a sex change operation.

Bubby, when are you gonna stop delivering pizzas

and make me a grandmother?

I'll get back to you.

Get out of here, you freak.

Oh god.

Manny Green talent management.

Where the hell are they?

I'm starving.

I'm freezing.

I'm filthy.

And that one TV has shown up so far.

I'm going home.

No, no, no.

Don't do that.

What if they show up and you're not there?

They smell a phony story, they won't print it.

Now look up, Tina Yothers is holding a press conference

about her stalking incident.

That's where they are, but you just stay put.

They'll be there.

If you think I'm sleeping overnight here, you're crazy.

I've got some dignity, you know?

All right, fine.

Fine.

That's the way you want it.

I can always book you into a Chuck E. Cheese somewhere.

Okay, you win, but if they're not here

first thing in the morning, you're dead meat.

Are you from the Inquirer?

Yeah.

The anesthesia's wearing off.

That's okay.

Lucky for us this is a soundproof room.

Thank God for the homeless.

They're the perfect Guinea pigs.

Wait a minute.

This one looks familiar.

How can that be?

They all look alike.

Colon cleanser.

She's on the infomercial with Al Yankovic.

That product changed my life.

You really oughta try it.

Really?

Mm hm.

We can't risk this on her.

She's too recognizable.

It's always something.

My daddy's.

So they drugged me and they took me from my bed

and then I wake up in this room

with these bright lights right on me

and these scary looking guys hovering over me.

And then the next thing you know, I'm here in my bed.

You know, personally, I like your stalking story better.

It was more believable.

I could've been killed out there in the street.

Anything could have happened.

I was missing and you didn't bother to.

Didn't you wonder where I was?

Of course.

Of course I did.

It's just a little angry

that you weren't there when Hard Copy came.

I could have been raped.

Hard Copy was there?

Yes, they were there.

They left.

They weren't very happy.

They weren't very happy?

I was kidnapped by mad scientists.

Isn't there a story in that?

No proof.

Well, maybe we could say you were kidnapped by aliens.

That might have some possibilities.

Would you get real?

I think we should call Hard Copy

and tell them what happened.

Oh no.

No way.

We burned that bridge anyway.

We're gonna have to come up with something really,

really big for them to be interested in you again.

Something monumental.

Ooh.

Are you sure about this?

Are you absolutely sure this is gonna work?

Absolutely.

Can't fail, trust me.

You know I'm really getting tired of hearing you say that.

I've trusted you so far

and Mason Reese gets more offers than I do.

This is just the dark before the dawn.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

What do you think separates the winners

in life from the losers?

Having you for a manager.

Ha ha ha ha.

Cute.

No, no.

The ability to do whatever it takes to achieve one's goals.

That and.

Publicity.

Publicity, right.

All right.

All right.

Where's the gun?

It's in the glove compartment.

Oh God.

You know, I can't believe I'm doing this.

I must be insane to listen to you.

Joanie, come on, come on.

Relax.

What are you worrying about?

What is the worst that can happen?

You don't have a criminal record.

The gun's not loaded, right?

You're a celebrity.

No jury in the world is gonna convict you.

The worst can happen six months probation

and the cover of People.

Or I could get shot.

No one is gonna shoot an angel.

That's the beauty of this outfit.

The irony.

I'm gonna tell you something.

This surveillance video is gonna be seen

by more people than the OJ trial.

Okay, okay.

Enough, enough, enough.

Just got to know one thing, okay.

Just tell me this.

Is it fluorescent lighting in there?

'Cause if it is, you know I'm not taking these glasses off.

No, no, no.

You can't wear the sunglasses.

How they gonna know it's you?

No, no.

You know I look terrible in fluorescent lighting.

I am not gonna be seen by 50 million people

looking like a fossil.

You have to take the sunglasses off.

They have to see your face.

Manny.

Break a leg.

No, no, don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

Do what I say and you won't get hurt.

Okay.

Take that lamp and move it over here.

Okay.

I am completely at your disposal.

All right, now shine it up on my face.

On my face.

Shine it up on my.

Yes.

Yes okay, that's good.

I need a mirror.

Do you have a mirror?

A mirror.

Okay.

To my face, to my face.

To the left.

Camera left.

Okay, that's good.

Now.

No, don't shoot.

This is a stick up.

I want you to give me all your money.

I'll give you anything you want just don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

I won't identify you.

You don't have to.

That's just for show.

It's just a show.

I didn't see a thing.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean that's just for show?

It's just for show.

It's there to scare the robbers away.

It's broken.

What?

It's broken.

What's the point of having a camera if it doesn't work?

Don't shoot me.

I want you to look at me.

No, I see nothing.

I want you to see me.

I'm Joan Sweeney.

Little Joanie Sweeney from "Daddy's Little Angel".

Big TV star, old TV show.

I don't own a television set.

Why is this happening to me?

Okay, just write it down.

Write it down now.

Write it down.

Write it down.

I'm an old TV star.

Joanie Sweeney.

Old TV star.

Oh.

Here, wait.

I have a better idea.

Whatever you say, angel lady.

Calm down.

I want you to call the police.

911.

Do it now.

Oh god.

Oh no.

Are you okay?

I didn't know it was loaded.

Oh God, my life sucks.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Bob Mullins.

Our top story this evening.

A studio city convenience store was the scene

of a daring noonday heist.

After firing upon the cashier,

the unknown assailant unfortunately got away.

Our sources tell us the cashier was unable

to identify the culprit due

to a head injury sustained during the gunfire.

Let's go to Lorraine Yu who's at St. Joseph hospital

with the cashier who was being treated for his injuries.

Lorraine.

Thanks, Bob.

I'm here with Amrit Patel who's being treated

for a head concussion.

Can you tell me a little bit about today's robbery?

I don't remember a thing.

Is it true a note was found in your handwriting

that could provide a clue to the identity of the assailant?

That is what they tell me,

but I don't remember writing it.

Indeed, Bob, this is a mystery.

Not for long.

This just in.

Apparently police have picked up

former television star, Erin Moran,

best known for her role on television's "Happy Days".

What?

The mystery note may have contained information,

which implicates her in the crime.

We go now live to police headquarters

with correspondent, Suzanne Vincent.

Suzanne.

Thanks, Bob.

It's anything but happy days for television star Erin Moran,

who admitted to robbing a convenience store

at gunpoint earlier this afternoon in Studio City.

She can't do that.

Suzanne, at this point, do we have any idea

what the note said?

Well apparently, Bob, the note read the person robbing me

is TV Joanie old TV show.

That was enough for police to point the finger at Erin Moran

who played the character Joanie on "Happy Days".

That's my publicity.

Oh, wait a minute, Bob.

I think she's just arrive.

Miss Moran.

Miss Moran, over here.

Erin.

Erin, tell me what possessed you to do that?

That bitch.

Out of the way.

Out of the way.

Don't get discouraged.

There are other places to rob.

How 'bout a bank?

No, forget it.

I'm through listening to you.

I've had it.

From now on no more gimmicks or publicity stunts.

I'm not one of your circus hacks.

I'm an actress, damn it.

From now on I either act or nothing at all.

Transitional looks absolutely fabulous

neither morning, noon.

He would drag me by the hair.

He would beat.

I have watched all your work from way back

and you look so great.

Thank you, thank you.

I'm very happy that you're here.

Wow.

Things are going so well for you.

I mean, here you are from child star

to Oscar winning actress.

You must be on a high right now.

Well, I've been a very lucky girl, I must say,

but I must tell you Julie,

that being a wife and mother is what it's all about.

Nothing else matters.

See, I really never wanted fame or fortunate.

Yeah.

That's why you spread for half of Hollywood.

Being adored by fans and having money and fame,

it doesn't mean a thing.

B seven.

Miss, my love.

A four.

Miss.

G nine.

Hit.

You sunk my battleship, my love.

Would you please stop calling me that?

As you wish dearest one.

How many times do I have to tell you

there's nothing between us, okay?

We're just friends.

Whatever you say, light of my life.

Oh.

And next week when I'm out of town

and you're watching my place, don't pick up the phone, okay,

'cause it might be a job offer.

It could happen.

I live to serve you, my love.

Okay, come on.

You got to get going now.

I got to get to bed.

I'm so tired and I haven't been feeling well lately.

The thought of you suffering is like the pain

of 1000 forks piercing my soul.

No, it's nothing really.

I'm just coming down with the flu or something

and I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow

and he'll take care of it, okay, so go now.

Okay.

Good night.

Parting with you, my love, is like the death.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I have your test results right here.

So what is it?

What's wrong with me?

As far as I can tell you're in perfect health.

Yeah, but what about the nausea and the vomiting

and the fact that my nipples are sore and my period's late?

You're pregnant.

Yeah, right.

No, no.

There's no way.

I was told that I could never have children again.

Well, they were wrong

because you are most definitely pregnant.

Congratulations.

Oh.

Oh, "The Day of the Locust" by Nathaniel West.

Oh, that's great.

I've always wanted to read this.

It's supposedly the definitive Hollywood story.

Thank you.

Wow.

This place is just so great.

I love it.

Well I'm glad you like it.

Now sit down, sit down, sit down.

Are you ready to open your present?

Goody.

Yes.

A cow.

It's so cute.

Moo.

Look.

Oh, look at that ring.

For me?

Of course it's for you.

I have to tell you something, honey.

I'm pregnant.

What?

How long?

Almost two months.

Is it?

Who's is it?

The Pope's.

I bribed a Swiss guard to let me into his hotel room.

It's yours of course.

Baby, it's wonderful.

Are you sure?

It's not a false alarm like last time?

No, I promise it's not.

Joanie.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

I'll marry you.

What about your life in Hollywood?

Can you leave that all behind?

That.

You know, I've been thinking about that a lot and I've.

I mean, I've devoted almost 40 years to my career.

What do I have to show for it?

You know, except for a bunch of bad TV

and one lousy movie.

It was horrible.

Honey.

You could.

I just don't want to end up an old lady

with a million cats and a scrapbook.

Don't worry.

You won't.

Good morning.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, butler, you don't have to wait on me like this.

Oh, but Scarlett, I liked you.

It reminds me of the old days.

Yeah, except my mom's not here to fight with.

Your mother.

Your mother wasn't that bad.

I mean actually, come to think of it she was.

Well, I think she was just frustrated

because she wanted to be a star

and she was just living through me.

Can you blame her?

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, just a second.

It's your manager.

Oh, I'm gonna kill him.

Manny, I thought I told you not to.

What?

He called you?

You're kidding.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, thanks.

What is it?

My manager just got a call from Quentin Tarantino.

I mean, he called my manager.

There's a new part in his movie

that he thinks I would be just perfect for.

And he wants to know if I can get down there tomorrow

to read for him at Renaissance Studios.

That's great, isn't it?

Oh, it is honey,

because this could be the break I've been waiting for

and then I could go out a success

and I wouldn't mind giving it up.

You understand, don't you?

Of course I do.

There's no question about it.

You got to go for it.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I love you.

I love you.

You know, Renaissance Studio was the one

that was interested in my book.

Too bad I turned them down so bluntly.

I could have helped you with your audition.

I am a humble woman.

Yes, I'm a belly dancer like my mother

and her mother before her, but I'm proud.

Proud of my legacy.

So, if I'm not good enough for your family,

I know I'm good enough for mine.

Okay.

We'll just wait for Mr. Tarantino's call.

Excuse me.

Where's Quentin watching this from?

Mr. Tarantino's in London accepting an acting award.

I just want to say how excited I was to get the chance

to audition for Mr. Tarantino.

Yes well, Mr. Tarantino very often enjoys giving a chance

to stars who have faded from the public memory.

Oh.

Yes, sir.

Right.

Right.

Well.

Part is yours.

Oh.

Thank you, Jesus.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

I just have one question.

When is shooting scheduled to begin?

Not for another five months.

Five months?

Yeah, that's right.

Is there a problem?

Oh no, no, no, no.

No problems.

Good.

Glad to hear it.

In the meantime, I hope you'll enjoy

your belly dancing lessons.

Thanks.

Be great working with you, Quentin.

Please don't bother Mr. Tarantino.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just got carried away.

Bye.

Don't worry.

I'll squeeze every nickel out of them I can get.

Believe you me we got them by the balls here.

They want you to real bad.

What was that five months business you were talking about?

I don't know if I can do it.

You don't know what, what?

I said I don't know if I can do it.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Just sounded like you said, you don't know if you can do it.

Manny, I'm pregnant.

Oh.

That's great.

That's terrific.

So?

Hello, I'm playing a belly dancer.

Oh yeah, I see what you mean.

Yeah, I mean I'll show.

I can't play a belly dancer when I'm six months pregnant.

I agree.

Well.

You'll just have to, you know.

No, I don't think I can do that.

Joanie, you're excited right now.

Don't worry.

I'll handle everything.

I'll take care it.

No, no, I don't think I can.

Joanie, do you know what you're talking about, huh?

Do you know what the situation is here?

We are talking about an A movie.

A Quentin Tarantino movie.

I mean, look at what happened to John Travolta's career.

You could be next.

We're talking about Barbara Walters, Oprah, Rosie.

You just, you just have to do it.

There's no other way.

You can have another baby later.

When, when I'm 110?

This could be my last chance.

Besides, you know, Rod and I are gonna be married

and he wants this baby and so do I.

Well, you wanna get back on top again, right?

Yeah.

Well, just tell him it was a mistake, a false alarm.

He doesn't have to know.

You know, it's too bad you never met my mother.

You two would have loved each other.

Look, we have been through too much

for a break like this to just throw it away.

Okay.

You know what, Manny?

I have to go now because I have to be alone.

I have to think.

Hello.

Hello.

Are those your kids?

Yes, they are.

Are you here with yours?

No, I don't have any kids, but I'm expecting my first.

Congratulations.

That's great.

Come sit.

Thanks, thanks.

Those two are mine.

Oh, wow.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Are you happy?

I mean, does this make you happy?

Sure.

Being a parent is the most fulfilling.

What are you doing?

No, put that down right now.

What are you doing?

Get that out of your mouth.

What are you doing?

Put it down.

Put it down.

You're going to timeout, mister.

Well, it was really nice talking to you.

It was a pleasure talking to you, too.

You know, good luck with everything.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Get that out of your mouth now.

Oh, father.

Sh.

Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me.

You know, actually it's been quite a while

since I was last in church.

Although I did once play a nun

in an episode of "Fantasy Island".

I mean, but I know that's not the same,

but anyway, I just really appreciate it.

Not at all.

If I can help in any way, it'll be my pleasure.

Now, what exactly is the nature of your problem?

Well, I don't know where to begin,

except that when I was younger,

I was pregnant and I had an abortion.

I see.

And I've really always kind of regretted it,

especially since the doctor said

that I would never be able to have children again.

I'm sorry.

But as it turns out, I'm pregnant now.

So in a way it's kind of like-

- A miracle.

The Lord does work in mysterious ways.

Except that's not the end of it.

See, I was just offered a movie,

a really big movie directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Do you know him?

He's the greatest.

I'm sorry, I don't.

"Pulp Fiction".

"Reservoir Dogs".

Sorry.

Okay.

Anyway, but it's just a great role.

Very sympathetic.

It's not the lead, but I do get killed in the middle.

So it could even mean an Academy Award.

Oh.

But see shooting starts in five months

at which point I would be showing

and that could be a problem

since I'm playing a belly dancer.

So I don't know whether I should have the kid,

in which case I wouldn't be able to do the film

or should I do the film

and then I would have to get another.

Have to get rid of it.

And I could really use a film right now.

Is this some kind of joke?

Because of it is, I don't appreciate that kind of humor.

No, no, Father.

I am totally serious.

I honestly don't know what to do here.

We're talking about a human life.

God's greatest gift.

The most sacred thing known to man.

I know that, Father, and I totally agree,

but we are talking about a Quentin Tarantino film here.

I mean, if it was just some crummy infomercial,

I wouldn't think twice.

What good is an Academy Award

at the cost of your immortal soul?

Well.

Good day.

Should I have this baby?

Should I have this baby?

Joanie, are you there?

It's me, Rod.

This is the third time I've called

and I am starting to get a little bit worried.

I wanna tell you I've been working here all week

turning the work room into a room for the baby.

I can't wait 'til it arrives.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and I can't help feeling

what an important part of life we've been missing out on.

Call me, please.

Please call.

You were such a beautiful little girl.

An old beggar woman.

I'm Angel.

I'm Angel.

An old beggar woman.

An old beggar woman.

Old beggar woman.

Old beggar woman.

And the Oscar goes to.

For her role as the belly dancer

in Quentin Tarantino's "Blood Sausage Alley", Erin Moran.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You like me.

You really like me.

But seriously tonight, I'm not gonna thank the usual array

of people because there's only one person responsible

for me being here tonight.

And that's Joan Sweeney.

Well I'm sure at least one of you remembers her.

Well, would you believe she turned this role down?

I mean, can you believe that?

What an idiot.

Manny, it's me.

Let's do it.

Murder.

Abortion is murder.

Abortion is murder.

Abortion is murder.

What the hell is this?

Don't pay any attention to them.

They're just wackos with too much time on their hands.

Manny, let's just get this over it.

Okay, come on, come on.

Back off, back off.

Come on.

Don't let them bother you.

You know you have to do this.

Don't listen to him.

You don't have to do this.

Don't let them upset you, okay.

You know you're doing the right thing.

Don't listen to him.

This is wrong.

Why don't you shut up, huh?

You want me to tell you how to live your life?

Listen to your heart.

The heart of a mother.

Why don't you mind your own business, huh?

Why don't you get yourself a life?

We're here because of life.

The human life inside her.

Fuck off.

A woman's body, a woman's choice.

What about the rights of the unborn?

What about their choice?

You know what I think about their choice?

Fuck 'em.

Ah.

You know their babies.

They're animals.

Can't believe they let those nuts

interfere with our business.

Here, sit down.

Okay.

I'll handle everything.

Hi.

Hi, how are you?

Joan Sweeney for Dr. Cox.

Oh sure, just have a seat.

He'll be right with her.

Thank you very much.

Mom, I'm scared.

There's nothing to be scared about.

It's just a simple operation but it's for the best.

Huh?

But.

How am I gonna face Rod?

He'll know I'm lying.

Now you listen to me.

I know what's best for you.

You marry Rod, you'll regret it for the rest of your days.

You're not cut out for that kind of life, honey.

You're a star.

You're special.

It's all taken care of.

Doctor's gonna be over right away.

Just think how it's gonna be in a few months,

sitting on a movie set with Quentin Tarantino.

I'll tell you something.

Both of us deserve this.

I mean after everything we've been through.

Didn't I tell you everything was gonna work out fine?

Manny.

Manny, would you do me a favor?

Please stop talking for a while.

You won't even know I'm here.

We've been through a lot together, you and I.

I'll never forget the first time you came into my office.

I knew right away you were gonna be

something special in my life.

It's just a feeling I had.

You were the big one I was waiting for.

Manny, please.

I'm trying to think.

I'm sorry.

I just want you to know I'm there for you if you need me.

Manny, what if this is wrong?

It's not.

No, but what if it is?

What if this baby is some kind of miracle?

The only miracle I can see

is that Quentin Tarantino wants you for his next movie.

Miss Sweeney, the doctor will see you now.

Joanie, are you all right?

I was worried about you.

What are you doing here?

I called like a dozen times.

I decided to come out here to make sure you're all right.

Oh, honey.

What's the matter?

Well, I got the part.

They want me.

They want me to do it.

Well, that's good.

Wonderful.

So what's the problem?

Well, you know the part is of a belly dancer

and filming starts in five months.

So.

What have you decided to do about this?

I was gonna do it,

but I couldn't go through with it

because I want to have your baby.

Oh Joanie, I love you.

I love you, too.

I got an idea.

Ted LaRue, please.

Rod Van Horn.

Thank you.

Ted, it's Rod Van Horn.

Listen, is the studio still interested

in acquiring the rights to "Prisoner of the System"?

Oh great.

You know I've decided to let you have the project

and change it any way you want with one stipulation.

A friend of mine just got the lead role

in the Quentin Tarantino project

and well she's expecting a baby.

My baby.

And if there's any way that you as head of studio

can accommodate her condition, we can make ourselves a deal.

Great.

Yeah, so she'll be excited.

I'll have my agent draw up the papers.

That's terrific.

All right, Ted, thanks.

Look forward to seeing you.

That was simple.

You would do that for me?

Yeah.

Why should you be the only one making the sacrifices?

Honey, but they're changing the ending of your book.

So what?

They go out of the theater with a smile.

What's wrong with happy endings?

You're Joan Sweeney, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Oh my God.

We're both huge fans.

I especially loved you as the pregnant belly dancer.

You made me cry.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

Bye, bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Say bye, bye.

Bye.

Come on, let's go inside.

We're gonna get you ready for your audition.

Big star just like mama.

You said you wanted to do live theater,

so I got you that new Anne Frank musical

off, off, off Broadway.

Oh yeah.

How could I forget that?

We have all the choice in the world.

You said you wanted to do live theater.

So I got you to that new Anne Frank musical

off, off, off Broadway.

Oh yeah.

How could I forget that?

We have all the choice in the world.

It all depends on how you look at it.

♪ There's a lot of magic to be found ♪

♪ But you won't see if your head's stuck in the ground ♪

♪ There's a world out there and it's waiting for me ♪

♪ There's a world out there ♪

♪ One I can't wait to see ♪

♪ So put away your Scrabbles and your Yahtzee's ♪

Sh.

♪ There's a world out there ♪

♪ Forget about your the Nazis ♪

♪ There's a world out there and it's your and it's mine ♪

♪ There's a world out there and it's fine ♪

♪ The sun will come out tomorrow ♪

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ In a world out there ♪

♪ There's a world out there ♪

♪ There's a world out there just waiting for me ♪

Please be quiet.

Gin.

Gin.

Oh.

We think you're trying to put you over on us.

We think you're a lesbian.

Good.

We don't think.

Oh, hello, Betty Ford Clinic.

Yeah, hi.

This here is Brett Butler.

Hello.

Betty Ford Clinic.

Yeah hi, this is Roseanne.

Oh, I'm great.

How are you?

Uh huh yeah, I lost weight and stuff.

Throw her out.

I'm still getting death threats from that.

Thank you.