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1
00:00:02,423 --> 00:00:06,492
"what are some of your greatest
contributions to the cia?"
2
00:00:06,494 --> 00:00:07,427
Pass.
3
00:00:07,562 --> 00:00:09,228
Long-term goals?
Pass.
4
00:00:09,230 --> 00:00:10,563
Biggest strengths.
5
00:00:10,698 --> 00:00:12,231
Pass.
Greatest weakness.
6
00:00:12,233 --> 00:00:13,699
Oh, man.
Where to begin?
7
00:00:13,835 --> 00:00:15,901
I don't know how to turn on
my computer, for one.
8
00:00:16,037 --> 00:00:16,970
Actually, pass.
9
00:00:17,105 --> 00:00:18,904
I don't think
you're gonna be able to pass
10
00:00:18,906 --> 00:00:20,706
On every single question.
11
00:00:20,842 --> 00:00:23,042
Well, how many passes do you get
in a performance review?
12
00:00:23,044 --> 00:00:26,579
I don't know.
I want to say like...12?
13
00:00:26,714 --> 00:00:29,049
[ thud, string stretching ]
14
00:00:31,252 --> 00:00:32,986
Explain me this.
15
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:36,455
How is it that I absolutely
plaster this town with flyers,
16
00:00:36,457 --> 00:00:38,391
But still not a single person
shows up
17
00:00:38,526 --> 00:00:41,194
To see my cherry poppin' daddies
tribute band,
18
00:00:41,329 --> 00:00:42,862
The hymen bustin' fathers?
19
00:00:42,864 --> 00:00:44,130
Roger, please.
20
00:00:44,265 --> 00:00:46,199
I'm practicing for
my performance review at work,
21
00:00:46,334 --> 00:00:48,668
And I really need to concent--
[ apple skin cracks ]
22
00:00:48,803 --> 00:00:51,537
Why do you need to practice
for a performance review?
23
00:00:51,539 --> 00:00:52,938
I'm not great off the cuff.
24
00:00:53,074 --> 00:00:55,208
I get all nervous and go blank
when I'm not prepared.
25
00:00:55,343 --> 00:00:56,810
Not me.
I'm good on my feet.
26
00:00:56,944 --> 00:00:58,811
And even better on my knees.
"and even better on my knees."
27
00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:01,214
I am so sick of that joke.
28
00:01:01,349 --> 00:01:02,615
Anyway, say no more, stan.
29
00:01:02,750 --> 00:01:04,149
Really -- say no more,
30
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:06,151
Because all he ever does
is complain.
31
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,353
Don't involve me in this.
32
00:01:07,488 --> 00:01:09,222
Okay. Let's--
can't chat now anyway.
33
00:01:09,357 --> 00:01:10,690
Got to work on my tap dancing
34
00:01:10,692 --> 00:01:13,026
For my big community-theater
audition.
35
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,094
Please. If I could just have
some quiet so --
36
00:01:15,230 --> 00:01:17,430
I got these fat
little kangaroo legs.
37
00:01:17,565 --> 00:01:20,099
Not ideal for funk tap.
I'm all knee!
38
00:01:20,101 --> 00:01:22,435
Not like you, stan.
You've got dancer's legs.
39
00:01:22,570 --> 00:01:24,503
Big, muscular tree trunks.
40
00:01:24,505 --> 00:01:25,839
Mighty oaks.
Shut up!
41
00:01:25,973 --> 00:01:27,773
Why do you always have to be
such a nuisance?!
42
00:01:27,775 --> 00:01:29,975
Well, you're not exactly perfect
yourself, stan.
43
00:01:29,977 --> 00:01:31,711
You put my zoot suit
in the dryer.
44
00:01:31,846 --> 00:01:33,779
Shrunk the hell out of it.
I look ridiculous!
45
00:01:33,781 --> 00:01:35,181
That's my zoot suit.
46
00:01:35,316 --> 00:01:37,516
Well, it fits me better.
[ apple crunching ]
47
00:01:37,518 --> 00:01:40,586
Come on, francine. Let's go
somewhere roger can't bother us.
48
00:01:40,722 --> 00:01:41,987
Why didn't you come see
49
00:01:42,123 --> 00:01:44,724
My cherry poppin' daddies
tribute band,
50
00:01:44,726 --> 00:01:47,660
The hymen bustin' fathers?
Please stop saying that.
51
00:01:47,795 --> 00:01:49,595
[ theme music plays ]
52
00:01:49,731 --> 00:01:51,264
[ music stops, shoes tapping ]
53
00:01:51,399 --> 00:01:52,732
What's that sound?
54
00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:54,200
Check it out, rogu.
55
00:01:54,335 --> 00:01:57,670
I think these shoes are
even louder than my old ones!
56
00:01:57,805 --> 00:02:00,273
[ up-tempo music plays ]
[ slurping ]
57
00:02:00,408 --> 00:02:03,008
Mmm!
Mm-mm-mmm!
58
00:02:03,144 --> 00:02:05,678
I'm good on my feet...
But even better on my knees.
59
00:02:05,813 --> 00:02:08,414
[ laughs ]
[ apple crunches ]
60
00:02:08,416 --> 00:02:12,351
♪♪
61
00:02:12,487 --> 00:02:13,953
[ muffled screaming ]
62
00:02:14,089 --> 00:02:16,822
He's so annoying,
and he's always around.
63
00:02:16,958 --> 00:02:18,691
It's like --
hold that thought.
64
00:02:18,826 --> 00:02:20,493
[ theme music continues ]
65
00:02:20,628 --> 00:02:23,696
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
66
00:02:23,831 --> 00:02:25,164
Okay.
You were saying?
67
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:27,032
It's like I can't even remember
anymore
68
00:02:27,034 --> 00:02:28,701
Why we ever became friends
in the first place.
69
00:02:28,836 --> 00:02:32,906
Well, when you first met
all those years ago at area 51,
70
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,774
He saved your --
nope. No, no, no, no.
71
00:02:34,776 --> 00:02:35,975
No need for that.
72
00:02:35,977 --> 00:02:37,843
He saved my life
at area 51,
73
00:02:37,979 --> 00:02:39,845
So we escaped together
in a laundry truck,
74
00:02:39,847 --> 00:02:42,581
Drove back to virginia
in a stolen pt cruiser
75
00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:44,249
And I let him live with us,
76
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:46,385
Eventually repaid my life debt
by saving his,
77
00:02:46,387 --> 00:02:48,521
Yada, yada, yada,
because we were really friends.
78
00:02:48,656 --> 00:02:51,256
But why, franny-my-baby?
Why are we friends?
79
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,858
That's what I
just can't remember
80
00:02:52,994 --> 00:02:54,393
After all these years
together.
81
00:02:54,529 --> 00:02:56,862
Everything he does
gets on my nerves these days.
82
00:02:56,864 --> 00:02:58,731
The way he eats,
the way he walks --
83
00:02:58,866 --> 00:02:59,933
Scratch that -- waddles.
84
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,734
Oh, my god.
That voice!
85
00:03:01,869 --> 00:03:04,470
Wow.
This is devastating stuff.
86
00:03:04,605 --> 00:03:05,939
He's rude,
he's selfish,
87
00:03:06,073 --> 00:03:07,740
He's clumsy,
and he's always snooping!
88
00:03:07,875 --> 00:03:10,543
Okay. Those last two are not --
waah!
89
00:03:10,678 --> 00:03:11,844
Ugh.
90
00:03:12,547 --> 00:03:14,079
Aah!
91
00:03:14,215 --> 00:03:16,549
You can't remember
why we're friends anymore?!
92
00:03:16,684 --> 00:03:17,750
Well, same here!
93
00:03:17,885 --> 00:03:18,952
Are we even friends?
94
00:03:19,086 --> 00:03:20,753
Friends do things
for each other.
95
00:03:20,888 --> 00:03:22,755
What do you ever do for me
besides annoy me?
96
00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:24,423
What do you ever do
for me?!
97
00:03:24,425 --> 00:03:27,560
Maybe what you two need
is some time alone together
98
00:03:27,695 --> 00:03:30,296
To rediscover
why you're friends.
99
00:03:30,431 --> 00:03:32,165
A desert-island
situation.
100
00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:33,566
Please don't take offense
at this,
101
00:03:33,701 --> 00:03:35,301
But, francine,
you absolute fool.
102
00:03:35,436 --> 00:03:37,102
More time together?
103
00:03:37,104 --> 00:03:39,172
What I need is to get him
as far away from me as possible!
104
00:03:39,307 --> 00:03:41,641
Well, for once I actually agree
with this piece of shit.
105
00:03:41,776 --> 00:03:43,442
You're the piece of shit.
106
00:03:43,444 --> 00:03:46,045
So how about I go ahead and
check myself into a hotel, then?
107
00:03:46,181 --> 00:03:47,647
Perfect!
I'll even drive you there!
108
00:03:47,782 --> 00:03:49,582
Well, thank you
so very much!
109
00:03:49,717 --> 00:03:51,450
Should we swing by arby's
on the way!
110
00:03:51,452 --> 00:03:52,852
Great idea!
111
00:03:52,854 --> 00:03:54,587
I think it's five for five
beef 'n cheddars!
112
00:03:55,122 --> 00:03:58,524
I feel like I should do
something funny.
113
00:03:58,526 --> 00:03:59,859
[ chicken squeaking ]
114
00:03:59,861 --> 00:04:01,694
Is this it?
115
00:04:05,776 --> 00:04:07,509
[ sighs ]
116
00:04:07,644 --> 00:04:11,046
Maybe all I really can do
is just give it some time.
117
00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:13,115
Hey, thanks for listening,
klaus.
118
00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:15,918
Steve?
Are you...
119
00:04:16,053 --> 00:04:18,787
Talking to the paper-mache
sculpture of me jurgen made
120
00:04:18,923 --> 00:04:21,323
For his court-mandated
art-therapy class?
121
00:04:21,458 --> 00:04:22,725
Sculpture?
122
00:04:23,460 --> 00:04:26,461
Wow. I guess I was
just so preoccupied with --
123
00:04:26,597 --> 00:04:27,996
Oh, is something
weighing on you?
124
00:04:27,998 --> 00:04:30,399
You know I'm this family's
sounding board.
125
00:04:30,534 --> 00:04:31,934
Lay it on me, bro.
126
00:04:32,069 --> 00:04:34,603
Well, I-I could use
a sympathetic ear.
127
00:04:34,739 --> 00:04:36,271
So there's this girl.
128
00:04:36,273 --> 00:04:39,274
Ohh! Nice.
129
00:04:39,276 --> 00:04:40,242
Pound it.
130
00:04:41,946 --> 00:04:44,747
And I'm confused
about where we --
131
00:04:44,882 --> 00:04:46,348
What's her name?
Kelsey.
132
00:04:46,483 --> 00:04:48,884
Ohh!
Does she have big ones?
133
00:04:49,019 --> 00:04:50,553
You know,
maybe I should talk to --
134
00:04:50,687 --> 00:04:53,288
So here's what we do --
fake mugging.
135
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:55,624
Then you swoop in
and be the hero.
136
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,960
Worked like a charm
for my boy squirts.
137
00:04:58,095 --> 00:04:59,762
I mean, he actually went to jail
for a while,
138
00:04:59,896 --> 00:05:01,630
But there's
all these crazy chicks
139
00:05:01,632 --> 00:05:03,165
Who write to inmates
and stuff.
140
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,699
Crazy hot chicks.
141
00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:07,636
I'll reach out to squirts
to see if he has any pointers.
142
00:05:07,638 --> 00:05:10,038
[ birds chirping ]
143
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,576
God. You drive so bad.
You drive so stupid.
144
00:05:13,710 --> 00:05:15,244
I cannot wait
to be rid of you.
145
00:05:15,379 --> 00:05:17,312
Everything about you --
just yuck!
146
00:05:17,448 --> 00:05:18,981
All your stupid
little characters.
147
00:05:19,116 --> 00:05:21,916
"francine, I realize now
I was wrong."
148
00:05:21,918 --> 00:05:24,787
"stupido mcdumbass,
douche inspector."
149
00:05:24,921 --> 00:05:26,588
That's actually not a bad
character idea.
150
00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:28,323
Ugh!
You're the absolute worst!
151
00:05:28,325 --> 00:05:31,460
You are so loathsome.
How I loathe you.
152
00:05:31,462 --> 00:05:32,727
I despise you.
153
00:05:32,863 --> 00:05:35,130
Your name should be
linsday loathe-han.
154
00:05:35,265 --> 00:05:38,533
If you were a movie, your name
should be "despise like us."
155
00:05:38,669 --> 00:05:41,670
That is so dumb -- which is why
it just makes so much sense
156
00:05:41,806 --> 00:05:43,271
That you would say it.
Ugh!
157
00:05:43,273 --> 00:05:45,007
[ the spin doctors'
"two princes" plays ]
158
00:05:45,142 --> 00:05:46,074
Oh, sweet!
Ugh!
159
00:05:46,210 --> 00:05:47,609
I'm so sick
of this song.
160
00:05:47,744 --> 00:05:49,744
"two princes"
by the spin doctors?
161
00:05:49,746 --> 00:05:51,146
You have
the worst taste.
162
00:05:51,281 --> 00:05:53,882
"little miss can't be wrong"
by the spin doctors.
163
00:05:53,884 --> 00:05:55,284
Now, that's music.
164
00:05:55,419 --> 00:05:58,153
My car. My song.
♪ yeah -- ♪
165
00:05:58,288 --> 00:06:00,022
♪ little miss, little miss, little miss -- ♪
166
00:06:00,157 --> 00:06:02,491
♪ one, two -- ♪
♪ ...Wrong -- ♪
167
00:06:02,493 --> 00:06:04,426
♪ ...Kneel be-- two... ♪
♪ what you g-- thoughts... ♪
168
00:06:04,561 --> 00:06:07,162
♪ ...Princes, princes who adore you... ♪
169
00:06:07,164 --> 00:06:08,763
♪ little miss, little miss, little miss -- ♪
170
00:06:08,899 --> 00:06:10,699
Aah!
I can't stand you!
171
00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:13,502
[ horn blares, tires screech ]
172
00:06:13,504 --> 00:06:15,570
[ engine revs, glass breaking ]
173
00:06:15,706 --> 00:06:17,406
[ thudding ]
174
00:06:21,245 --> 00:06:23,445
[ frame rattles,
birds chirping ]
175
00:06:24,981 --> 00:06:26,849
Wow.
Not a scratch on us.
176
00:06:26,983 --> 00:06:29,451
[ horn blares ]
177
00:06:29,586 --> 00:06:32,054
Stan:
[ groaning ]
178
00:06:33,190 --> 00:06:36,658
Is...Roger...Okay?
179
00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:38,993
Kind of.
Shit.
180
00:06:38,995 --> 00:06:41,129
Those asshats
at the regular hospital
181
00:06:41,265 --> 00:06:44,199
Pronounced you both dead,
so I brought you here.
182
00:06:44,201 --> 00:06:49,738
Now, I did have to employ
some...Unorthodox measures.
183
00:06:49,874 --> 00:06:52,607
But it was the only way
I could save you.
184
00:06:52,609 --> 00:06:53,942
Mirror.
185
00:06:53,944 --> 00:06:56,011
Just know
that it may take some time
186
00:06:56,146 --> 00:06:57,612
For you to adjust to --
187
00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,048
Mirror!
188
00:07:01,686 --> 00:07:03,151
Oh.
I look fine.
189
00:07:03,153 --> 00:07:05,087
And you gave me a haircut.
Nice.
190
00:07:05,222 --> 00:07:07,422
Roger:
Down here, stan.
191
00:07:07,424 --> 00:07:09,958
[ both screaming ]
192
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,394
[ screaming ]
193
00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:16,700
[ theme music plays ]
194
00:07:16,835 --> 00:07:18,502
♪ good morning, u.S.A. -- ♪
195
00:07:18,637 --> 00:07:20,304
Aah! Oh, god!
Ugh!
196
00:07:20,438 --> 00:07:21,972
I thought it was all
just a nightmare!
197
00:07:22,107 --> 00:07:23,707
[ breathing heavily ]
198
00:07:23,842 --> 00:07:24,942
Nope.
199
00:07:26,244 --> 00:07:28,712
Aah! Watch it!
You splashed me, you brute!
200
00:07:28,847 --> 00:07:31,581
[ grunts ] hey. Can't quite
reach my acqua di gio.
201
00:07:31,583 --> 00:07:32,716
You already put some on.
202
00:07:32,851 --> 00:07:35,452
Yeah, but I like to use
a lot.
203
00:07:35,587 --> 00:07:37,253
I'm happy right here.
204
00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:39,456
[ both grunting ]
205
00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:41,925
Aah!
206
00:07:42,394 --> 00:07:44,128
No bacon.
I'm a pescatarian.
207
00:07:44,262 --> 00:07:45,795
Plus I just can't have you
208
00:07:45,797 --> 00:07:48,064
Putting that kind of garbage
in our body, stan.
209
00:07:48,066 --> 00:07:51,067
Oh, my god.
I can't live like -- [ burps ]
210
00:07:51,203 --> 00:07:52,536
What the hell
are you doing?
211
00:07:52,671 --> 00:07:54,871
You think this is a walk
in the park for me?
212
00:07:54,873 --> 00:07:56,006
I'm taking the edge off.
213
00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:57,207
[ hiccups ]
damn it, roger!
214
00:07:57,343 --> 00:07:59,075
I've got my performance review
today!
215
00:07:59,077 --> 00:08:00,410
I can't show up
to work drunk!
216
00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:01,411
Whatever.
217
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:02,812
That's it.
I'm cutting you out.
218
00:08:02,814 --> 00:08:04,548
Stan, stop!
Listen.
219
00:08:04,683 --> 00:08:07,351
Maybe this is
just what you two need.
220
00:08:07,485 --> 00:08:09,485
Your desert-island
situation!
221
00:08:09,487 --> 00:08:12,889
A chance to rediscover
why you're friends.
222
00:08:12,891 --> 00:08:15,825
I guess...Maybe I could feed you
some good answers
223
00:08:15,827 --> 00:08:17,493
At your performance review?
224
00:08:17,495 --> 00:08:20,030
And then we could use
those big, burly legs of yours
225
00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:21,231
To nail my audition?
226
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:23,167
I suppose we have --
at times --
227
00:08:23,301 --> 00:08:24,968
Made a pretty good team
in the past.
228
00:08:25,103 --> 00:08:27,771
Maybe this could all be
for the...Best?
229
00:08:27,906 --> 00:08:29,239
Best...Friends?
230
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,107
The best of friends?
231
00:08:31,109 --> 00:08:32,842
The very best?
Are we doin' this?
232
00:08:32,844 --> 00:08:34,510
I think so!
We [bleep] doin' this?
233
00:08:34,512 --> 00:08:35,979
Hell yeah,
we're doin' this!
234
00:08:36,114 --> 00:08:37,647
Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!
Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!
235
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:39,049
Whoo!
236
00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:40,784
Hey.
Look what I can do.
237
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:42,052
Tickle, tickle, tickle!
238
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,788
[ laughing ]
stop!
239
00:08:44,923 --> 00:08:46,390
[ birds chirping ]
240
00:08:46,524 --> 00:08:47,657
Okay, steve.
241
00:08:47,793 --> 00:08:49,726
Small kink in your plan
to have my boy squirts
242
00:08:49,728 --> 00:08:51,395
Help you get that girl
with the big ones.
243
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,397
He apparently died
seven years ago.
244
00:08:53,532 --> 00:08:55,932
What do you have
behind your back?
245
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:56,933
Nothing.
246
00:08:57,069 --> 00:08:58,535
Telescoping driving cane
247
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:01,004
With articulating
grabber attachment!
248
00:09:01,139 --> 00:09:03,540
[ gasps ]
were you talking to that thing?
249
00:09:03,675 --> 00:09:05,141
I'm sorry.
250
00:09:05,277 --> 00:09:07,878
But honestly, it's kind of a...
Better listener than you.
251
00:09:08,013 --> 00:09:09,345
[ gasps ]
252
00:09:09,481 --> 00:09:12,148
You just always butt in
or -- or miss the point
253
00:09:12,284 --> 00:09:15,351
Or make that sound.
What sound?
254
00:09:15,353 --> 00:09:17,954
If anyone even mentions
a woman.
255
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:19,355
Ohh!
256
00:09:19,491 --> 00:09:21,024
Hey, steve,
you done with good klaus?
257
00:09:21,159 --> 00:09:22,225
"good klaus"?!
258
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,628
Ooh.
It's bad klaus.
259
00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:26,496
Well, cat's out of the bag,
I guess.
260
00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:28,632
I -- w--
you talk to it, too?
261
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,634
Yeah, and I really
need to vent right now.
262
00:09:30,769 --> 00:09:33,169
Jeff's home sick today,
and he's driving me crazy.
263
00:09:33,171 --> 00:09:34,771
Home sick from what?
264
00:09:34,906 --> 00:09:37,040
You know, following that turtle
around the neighborhood.
265
00:09:37,175 --> 00:09:38,775
I got dibs
after hayley.
266
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:42,578
And, guys, please don't leave
good klaus just lying around.
267
00:09:42,580 --> 00:09:45,782
I found rogu being inappropriate
with it,
268
00:09:45,784 --> 00:09:49,185
And we don't want it to end up
like that old teddy bear of his.
269
00:09:49,187 --> 00:09:51,721
He literally tore that thing
a new a-hole.
270
00:09:51,723 --> 00:09:53,657
Okay. I'll just put him
in his room when I'm done.
271
00:09:53,792 --> 00:09:55,391
His room?!
272
00:09:55,393 --> 00:09:57,593
Yeah. We kind of gave him
the spare guest room.
273
00:09:57,595 --> 00:09:59,863
Shares a jack-and-jill bath
with dad's office?
274
00:09:59,998 --> 00:10:01,197
What?! There's a --
275
00:10:01,199 --> 00:10:02,732
Uh, okay.
Never mind that.
276
00:10:02,734 --> 00:10:05,735
Just talk to me, though.
Not that thing.
277
00:10:05,871 --> 00:10:08,004
I'm this family's
sounding board.
278
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:11,475
Talk to me!
279
00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:13,009
Now, where were we?
280
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:17,013
♪♪
281
00:10:17,015 --> 00:10:18,148
How you feeling, bud?
282
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,415
Feeling good.
283
00:10:19,551 --> 00:10:20,950
Feeling good
'cause you're here, buddy.
284
00:10:20,952 --> 00:10:22,218
I got you, pal.
285
00:10:22,354 --> 00:10:23,687
I know how to chop it up
with bullock.
286
00:10:23,822 --> 00:10:24,888
Bullock:
Smith?
287
00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:26,556
Go time.
Go time.
288
00:10:26,558 --> 00:10:29,425
My records indicate
that you missed...
289
00:10:29,561 --> 00:10:32,696
112 days of work
last year.
290
00:10:32,831 --> 00:10:34,364
Where were you
all that time?
291
00:10:34,366 --> 00:10:35,499
Roger: [ whispering ]
mostly with your mom.
292
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:37,301
Mostly with your mom.
What?
293
00:10:37,435 --> 00:10:39,569
What?
Y-your mom...Bo.
294
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:42,306
Teacher. M-most --
mostly with your mambo teacher.
295
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,642
My mambo teacher
is a saint!
296
00:10:45,777 --> 00:10:46,977
How dare you!
297
00:10:47,112 --> 00:10:48,444
[ exhales deeply ]
298
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:51,581
Now, what do you consider
your biggest strength?
299
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:54,851
Say, "I'm good on my feet
but even better on my knees."
300
00:10:54,986 --> 00:10:56,186
What? No.
Say it!
301
00:10:56,188 --> 00:10:57,521
He'll think it's funny.
No!
302
00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:58,722
No what?
303
00:10:58,857 --> 00:11:00,390
No...One's better than me
at --
304
00:11:00,392 --> 00:11:01,925
[ apple crunching,
loud chewing ]
305
00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:03,660
Excuse me.
306
00:11:03,795 --> 00:11:04,928
Be quiet in there!
307
00:11:05,063 --> 00:11:06,462
Why are you ignoring
my suggestions?
308
00:11:06,464 --> 00:11:07,931
Because your suggestions
suck.
309
00:11:08,066 --> 00:11:08,932
You suck!
310
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,066
I what?!
311
00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:11,801
Nothing!
312
00:11:11,803 --> 00:11:14,070
H-how about I tell you some
of my greatest weaknesses?
313
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:16,006
[ burps loudly ]
314
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:22,145
A little liquid lunch,
just like in the old days, huh?
315
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,881
Are you, uh,
offering me a beer?
316
00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:25,949
Yes.
Roger: No.
317
00:11:26,084 --> 00:11:28,118
One moment, please.
318
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:31,521
[ indistinct whispering ]
319
00:11:33,959 --> 00:11:35,759
You can have
a pumpkin ale?
320
00:11:35,894 --> 00:11:39,429
Get the hell out of my office,
you bastard!
321
00:11:39,431 --> 00:11:40,696
You totally screwed me
in there!
322
00:11:40,698 --> 00:11:41,965
Oh, relax.
323
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,167
I'll help you smooth things over
after my audition.
324
00:11:44,302 --> 00:11:47,103
I'm not leaving work now
to go to your stupid audition!
325
00:11:47,105 --> 00:11:48,504
But you promised!
326
00:11:48,506 --> 00:11:50,106
What are you gonna do about it,
belly boy?
327
00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:51,841
Aah!
328
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:53,043
[ clank, body thuds ]
329
00:11:53,178 --> 00:11:54,845
Uh-oh.
330
00:11:57,916 --> 00:11:59,649
Well, would you look at this?
331
00:11:59,651 --> 00:12:02,386
I can control stan's legs now.
332
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:03,987
And would you look at this?
333
00:12:04,122 --> 00:12:06,055
Bicentennial quarter!
334
00:12:06,057 --> 00:12:08,592
[ down-tempo music plays ]
335
00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:13,263
Look at you.
So smug.
336
00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:14,864
You may think
you've replaced me,
337
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:19,002
But I'm gonna make it so the
family will talk to me again.
338
00:12:19,671 --> 00:12:22,506
Wow.
You really are a good listener.
339
00:12:30,548 --> 00:12:33,817
[ thinking ]
and now we wait.
340
00:12:33,952 --> 00:12:36,420
[ up-tempo music plays ]
341
00:12:36,554 --> 00:12:37,954
Okay!
342
00:12:38,089 --> 00:12:40,756
And you're sure you want to
go ahead with the audition
343
00:12:40,758 --> 00:12:43,493
Like this, with your...
Son in tow?
344
00:12:43,495 --> 00:12:45,895
Oh, yeah.
Little guy's all tuckered out.
345
00:12:45,897 --> 00:12:48,498
Couldn't find a sitter.
Won't slow me down a bit.
346
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:51,100
Now, I've prepared a little
tap-dance number for you.
347
00:12:51,102 --> 00:12:54,104
These are auditions
for "the vagina monologues."
348
00:12:54,239 --> 00:12:57,106
Well, a little razzle-dazzle
couldn't hurt, right?
349
00:12:57,108 --> 00:12:58,308
Certainly not!
350
00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:00,310
[ up-tempo introduction plays ]
351
00:13:00,445 --> 00:13:04,314
[ scott joplin's
"the entertainer" playing ]
352
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,650
[ moaning weakly ]
353
00:13:06,785 --> 00:13:08,852
♪♪
354
00:13:08,987 --> 00:13:10,253
[ grunts ]
355
00:13:10,388 --> 00:13:13,723
♪♪
356
00:13:13,725 --> 00:13:16,259
[ groans ]
357
00:13:16,394 --> 00:13:18,928
[ thud, stan grunts,
bat clatters ]
358
00:13:18,930 --> 00:13:21,597
[ groans softly ]
359
00:13:21,599 --> 00:13:23,733
[ mumbling
indistinctly ]
360
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:24,868
Psst!
Old man.
361
00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:27,270
You seen a baseball bat
around here?
362
00:13:27,405 --> 00:13:30,540
Baseball bat's been sent out
for cleanin'.
363
00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:31,341
What?
364
00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:33,477
Roger, where...
365
00:13:33,611 --> 00:13:36,412
You knocked me out
and left work to come here?!
366
00:13:36,548 --> 00:13:37,814
Stan, if you'll please
just let me --
367
00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:39,282
Hit you in the face
with a hammer!
368
00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:40,550
Ow!
369
00:13:40,552 --> 00:13:42,018
You promised
we would come here,
370
00:13:42,153 --> 00:13:43,954
You selfish piece of --
ow!
371
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:46,089
Me? Selfish?
372
00:13:46,224 --> 00:13:48,892
I knew being stuck with you
would be a disaster!
373
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:53,363
Aah!
Ow!
374
00:13:53,365 --> 00:13:54,430
Aah!
Aah!
375
00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:56,966
[ "the entertainer" continues ]
376
00:13:56,968 --> 00:14:01,705
♪♪
377
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,239
Aah!
378
00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:04,440
Crotch punch!
379
00:14:04,576 --> 00:14:06,443
Aah!
Aah!
380
00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:09,846
[ both grunting ]
381
00:14:11,983 --> 00:14:12,982
Ooh.
382
00:14:12,984 --> 00:14:14,718
[ both groan ]
383
00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:17,220
[ horn blares ]
384
00:14:19,023 --> 00:14:20,422
Good news!
385
00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:23,492
You survived your latest
train accident intact.
386
00:14:23,627 --> 00:14:25,627
And I gave you
a faux-hawk!
387
00:14:25,629 --> 00:14:27,095
Thanks, doc.
But listen.
388
00:14:27,231 --> 00:14:28,564
Is there any way...
389
00:14:28,699 --> 00:14:30,966
...That you could
separate us?
390
00:14:31,101 --> 00:14:32,168
[ sighs ]
391
00:14:32,302 --> 00:14:33,569
To be honest,
392
00:14:33,704 --> 00:14:36,438
He didn't actually
need to fuse you two together
393
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,973
In the first place.
394
00:14:38,108 --> 00:14:39,441
Then why did you?!
395
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:41,577
She told me you needed
a desert-island situation.
396
00:14:41,712 --> 00:14:46,515
So I gave you a body buddy
to rekindle your relationship.
397
00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:49,185
It's worked wonders
for me and billy!
398
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:53,189
No, it hasn't.
I hate you more than ever!
399
00:14:53,324 --> 00:14:54,990
Quiet, body billy!
400
00:14:55,125 --> 00:14:57,459
So yes,
I can separate you.
401
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:58,995
But why would you
want me to?
402
00:14:59,129 --> 00:15:03,065
Because, well, we've had
our desert-island situation...
403
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,868
...And we still can't seem
to remember why we're friends...
404
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:08,003
...What we even do
for each other...
405
00:15:08,138 --> 00:15:09,471
...So maybe...
406
00:15:09,607 --> 00:15:11,740
...Maybe we're
not friends.
407
00:15:11,876 --> 00:15:15,077
Then I suppose
what is needed is...
408
00:15:15,213 --> 00:15:17,145
[ sniffs ]
409
00:15:17,281 --> 00:15:18,947
...A bestfriendectomy.
410
00:15:18,949 --> 00:15:21,349
[ down-tempo music plays ]
411
00:15:21,351 --> 00:15:23,019
[ thinking ]
okay.
412
00:15:23,153 --> 00:15:24,820
Maybe I should've thought this through a little better.
413
00:15:24,955 --> 00:15:27,223
No one's come to talk to me yet.
414
00:15:27,357 --> 00:15:29,458
Getting pretty hungry.
415
00:15:32,162 --> 00:15:35,097
Good klaus?
We need to talk.
416
00:15:35,099 --> 00:15:36,632
Ooh! Here we go!
417
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:39,768
Gentleman -- singular -- start your listenin'!
418
00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:41,904
It's about bad klaus.
419
00:15:42,039 --> 00:15:43,572
Real klaus.
420
00:15:43,574 --> 00:15:45,774
As much of an improvement
as you are over him
421
00:15:45,776 --> 00:15:47,643
And as much as we like you...
422
00:15:47,778 --> 00:15:49,377
So much more
than bad klaus.
423
00:15:49,379 --> 00:15:50,979
Much, much more
than him.
424
00:15:51,115 --> 00:15:53,115
Okay. Not loving this.
425
00:15:53,251 --> 00:15:54,850
...He's still family.
426
00:15:54,985 --> 00:15:57,253
And we decided
that keeping you around
427
00:15:57,387 --> 00:15:58,987
Is just too hurtful to him.
428
00:15:59,123 --> 00:16:00,256
Oh, hell yeah!
429
00:16:00,391 --> 00:16:02,258
Okay.
We'd better destroy this thing.
430
00:16:02,393 --> 00:16:04,927
Otherwise it'll be
too tempting to go back to it.
431
00:16:04,929 --> 00:16:06,128
What, now?
432
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:08,130
Right.
Let's just toss it to rogu.
433
00:16:08,266 --> 00:16:09,531
He'll make short work
of it.
434
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:12,868
No. Wait. It's me! Bad klaus!
435
00:16:13,003 --> 00:16:14,403
Can't even grunt!
436
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:17,005
Swallowed...Too much...Glue!
437
00:16:17,141 --> 00:16:18,740
Wait!
438
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:20,276
Help!
439
00:16:20,410 --> 00:16:22,278
Oh, god.
440
00:16:22,412 --> 00:16:26,214
Ooh.
Orangey orangey.
441
00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:27,616
No! No!
[ dramatic music plays ]
442
00:16:27,751 --> 00:16:31,353
[ screaming ]
no!
443
00:16:31,355 --> 00:16:33,622
Okay, then.
Best of luck to you.
444
00:16:33,757 --> 00:16:35,424
Have a nice...
Eternity.
445
00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:37,225
You too.
And tell the family --
446
00:16:37,227 --> 00:16:40,362
I don't know -- goodbye forever
for me or -- or whatever.
447
00:16:40,364 --> 00:16:42,164
It's been real.
448
00:16:42,166 --> 00:16:44,566
[ engine idling ]
449
00:16:44,702 --> 00:16:47,569
♪ if you want to call me
flowers ♪
450
00:16:47,705 --> 00:16:49,237
♪ just go ahead now ♪
451
00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:50,639
♪ and if you... ♪
452
00:16:50,641 --> 00:16:52,641
♪ ...Diamonds in his pockets ♪
453
00:16:52,643 --> 00:16:53,709
♪ that's some bread, now ♪
454
00:16:53,844 --> 00:16:56,312
♪ this one said... ♪
455
00:17:03,321 --> 00:17:05,053
[ brakes squeak, hiss ]
456
00:17:05,189 --> 00:17:07,490
[ engine idling ]
457
00:17:08,392 --> 00:17:11,293
[ insects chirping ]
458
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:15,331
All clear. You can come out now.
Sit up front if you want.
459
00:17:15,466 --> 00:17:17,533
I'm good back here.
460
00:17:17,668 --> 00:17:20,068
So you're really gonna let me
live with you?
461
00:17:20,070 --> 00:17:21,337
I'm a man of my word.
462
00:17:21,471 --> 00:17:22,738
We've got a bomb shelter
out back.
463
00:17:22,873 --> 00:17:25,073
I can leave groceries for you
once a month.
464
00:17:25,209 --> 00:17:26,742
Cool, cool.
465
00:17:30,014 --> 00:17:33,081
So, what's...Space like?
466
00:17:33,217 --> 00:17:35,217
S'all right.
Lot of hydrogen.
467
00:17:35,219 --> 00:17:38,687
And...What kind of things do
you like to get up to out there?
468
00:17:38,822 --> 00:17:43,392
[ exhales deeply ]
glorxnars. I like glorxnars.
469
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,628
You know, we -- we don't have to
do this, you know.
470
00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:48,430
I appreciate you putting me up
and all,
471
00:17:48,566 --> 00:17:50,566
But silence is fine,
too.
472
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,234
Well, excuse me, baldy.
473
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:54,570
Whoa!
Easy there, buckaroo.
474
00:17:54,705 --> 00:17:56,238
You're wound pretty tight,
huh?
475
00:17:56,374 --> 00:17:57,839
Sorry.
I just...
476
00:17:57,841 --> 00:17:59,975
Yes, I tend to be
a-a somewhat rigid person.
477
00:18:00,110 --> 00:18:02,578
Is that your finger
poking around my anus?
478
00:18:02,713 --> 00:18:04,046
Oh, you ain't lyin',
brother.
479
00:18:04,048 --> 00:18:06,582
You're as tight
as a pencil sharpener. Okay.
480
00:18:06,717 --> 00:18:07,916
If we're gonna do this,
though,
481
00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:09,651
None of this inane small talk,
all right?
482
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:10,786
Tell me something real.
483
00:18:10,921 --> 00:18:12,854
Tell me, like,
a deep, dark secret.
484
00:18:12,856 --> 00:18:14,923
But...My rigidity.
Come on!
485
00:18:14,925 --> 00:18:16,658
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
No. Not happening. Nope.
486
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,861
Well, I-I guess there is
something, but...
487
00:18:18,996 --> 00:18:20,662
No, I-I can't.
You'll laugh.
488
00:18:20,798 --> 00:18:22,731
Probably.
Okay. I'll go first.
489
00:18:22,866 --> 00:18:25,533
Something personal about me?
No genitals.
490
00:18:25,535 --> 00:18:27,135
Check it out.
Smooth.
491
00:18:27,271 --> 00:18:29,671
There is a complicated system
of cartilage
492
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,473
That can pop out in a way,
but --
493
00:18:31,609 --> 00:18:35,544
Okay. One thing
I've never told anyone is...
494
00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:38,280
[ inhales deeply ]
...That I...
495
00:18:38,282 --> 00:18:41,283
I...
[ breathing heavily ]
496
00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:44,687
I've always wanted to try
growing a chinstrap beard.
497
00:18:45,423 --> 00:18:46,554
You should do it.
498
00:18:46,556 --> 00:18:47,756
Really?
499
00:18:47,758 --> 00:18:49,157
Yeah.
You got the chin for it.
500
00:18:49,293 --> 00:18:51,894
Yeah. Yeah. I'm picturing it,
and it looks awesome.
501
00:18:52,029 --> 00:18:53,429
Yeah?
502
00:18:53,564 --> 00:18:55,831
Also I saw my grandfather kill
a man with an ax when I was 9.
503
00:18:55,966 --> 00:18:59,435
And here I'd always heard
that it never hurts to ax.
504
00:18:59,570 --> 00:19:01,570
[ laughs ]
y-you're funny!
505
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,105
Did you just come up
with that?
506
00:19:03,107 --> 00:19:05,841
I'm good on my feet --
but even better on my knees.
507
00:19:05,976 --> 00:19:08,710
Oh! Oh!
Can you even say that?!
508
00:19:08,846 --> 00:19:10,712
Oh!
You're adorable!
509
00:19:10,848 --> 00:19:12,580
♪ ...Princes, princes who adore you... ♪
510
00:19:12,582 --> 00:19:15,117
Oh! Ooh, I love this song!
Oh, me too!
511
00:19:15,252 --> 00:19:18,320
♪ this one said he's gonna
buy you flowers ♪
♪ this one got a pepper
in his pocket ♪
512
00:19:18,322 --> 00:19:20,055
♪ well, go ahead, girl ♪
♪ well, that's all red now ♪
513
00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:23,392
[ music continues,
both singing indistinctly ]
514
00:19:24,795 --> 00:19:26,795
[ both laughing ]
515
00:19:26,797 --> 00:19:28,130
[ exhales deeply ]
516
00:19:28,265 --> 00:19:30,265
Well, this is it.
517
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,600
All right. Welp.
518
00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:34,136
Guess I'll go get set up
in the bomb shelter.
519
00:19:34,138 --> 00:19:37,739
You know, we do also have
some space in the attic,
520
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:41,143
If you'd...I don't know...
Rather stay in the house?
521
00:19:41,278 --> 00:19:43,411
[ down-tempo music plays ]
522
00:19:43,413 --> 00:19:44,680
[ liquid splashes ]
523
00:19:44,815 --> 00:19:47,749
That happens sometimes
when I'm happy.
524
00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:49,217
[ music continues ]
525
00:19:49,219 --> 00:19:51,153
[ horns honking ]
526
00:19:51,288 --> 00:19:53,021
[ music builds ]
527
00:19:53,157 --> 00:19:54,556
[ tires screech ]
528
00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:56,558
♪♪
529
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,295
[ brakes hiss, engine revs ]
530
00:19:59,429 --> 00:20:00,629
Stan?
531
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,630
Roger.
Oh, thank god!
532
00:20:02,632 --> 00:20:04,166
Listen.
I remembered something.
533
00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:05,501
Our friendship --
534
00:20:05,636 --> 00:20:07,703
It's not about anything we do
for each other.
535
00:20:07,838 --> 00:20:09,838
It's about how it feels
when we're together.
536
00:20:09,973 --> 00:20:11,840
Sounds like somebody
had a flashback
537
00:20:11,975 --> 00:20:13,441
To our first road trip.
538
00:20:13,443 --> 00:20:15,043
I did.
539
00:20:15,045 --> 00:20:17,713
I'm sorry I'd lost sight of
how special our friendship is.
540
00:20:17,848 --> 00:20:19,781
It was only because I'd gotten
really, really, really,
541
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:22,184
Really, really, really sick
of you.
542
00:20:22,319 --> 00:20:24,452
Oh, stan!
Me too!
543
00:20:24,454 --> 00:20:25,587
[ down-tempo music plays ]
544
00:20:25,723 --> 00:20:27,523
I'm glad you got off that bus,
roger.
545
00:20:27,658 --> 00:20:29,257
I had to, stan.
546
00:20:29,259 --> 00:20:32,460
The bus driver caught me
jerking off under a blanket.
547
00:20:32,596 --> 00:20:35,664
Come on, pal.
Let's go home.
548
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:38,167
[ down-tempo music plays ]
549
00:20:39,336 --> 00:20:41,737
[ horn blares ]
550
00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:45,473
I'm afraid this time,
551
00:20:45,609 --> 00:20:48,276
I actually did have to
fuse you together.
552
00:20:48,412 --> 00:20:52,214
Oh, well. There's no one else
I'd rather be stuck with.
553
00:20:52,349 --> 00:20:53,815
Uh, stan?
554
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:55,351
[ both screaming ]
555
00:20:55,485 --> 00:20:58,153
[ screaming ]
556
00:20:58,288 --> 00:21:00,189
Have a great night!
37603
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