Original subtitles

I'm not employing a handsome swine, she wants it.

Right, my son, get ready, get steady, go!

Tell her to get the tea out!

Call yourself an athlete?

You run like a girl!

Just put me to work, Mrs. Ryan.

Oh, I could give you a dozen jobs, but you have to meet Mr. Jarvis first.

Esther, er, Darby room.

Esther?

Are you going to drench yourself in rose water?

No, Mrs. Ryan, she's got the stench.

Mr. Jarvis should be back sometime tonight.

Go and wash it off.

And take him with you.

Give him something to eat.

Come on, Jarvis.

Die!

Die!

We're back!

The family's behind us!

We're back!

We're back.

The family's just behind us.

We're back.

It couldn't be, it's too early.

It's still early.

It's still early.

Oh no!

It's all right.

It's all right.

It's all right.

It's all right.

We didn't know which way to go.

It's all right.

I don't believe you.

It's all right.

I know.

Maybe we should have let the doctor before.

It couldn't be. It's too early.

Oh, God. Polly, quick, go and make up the beds.

Stop. Susan, can you, um, stop the fires? Go on, stop.

Lizzie, Lizzie, will you come and help me? Go on.

Move, big lumps. Go on.

Who are you?

Who the hell are you?

Whoa.

Will! Look at you.

About bloody time.

Get off me, Robert. Show some sense.

Peter Jarvis is just behind us, and the family's not far behind him.

Robert, get the trunks pulled off.

Don't stand there dithering.

What did you get me? Do I smell nice?

All the luggage should be unloaded and out of the way by the time the Earl gets here.

All they've got in Rome is tat and sweaty sausages.

Christ, where is everybody?

What shall I do?

Get out of the way from the start, Susan.

Look, let's walk.

Frank.

Mr Jarvis.

His Lordship will have left Southampton just two hours behind us.

I'm sure we'll have everything in order for him.

Did no-one think to regulate the clocks in the last three months?

Mr Keneally, your seat of the luggage.

If you please, the family's to be unloaded.

Mr Keneally?

Keneally!

He went in, Mr Jarvis.

Oops.

Well, do I smell nice?

Come on, lads, let's get these difficult buggers shifted.

Here you are, ladies. Feast your eyes on that.

I thought you'd be waiting.

There was no-one to help me down the stairs with Harry.

Keneally!

How are you?

Go up and get your things. I'm taking you home.

What?

We're going back to Ireland. My father sent for me.

There's a yard in chaos out there.

You can chase skirt in your own time.

Am I bright to be, Mr Jarvis?

Not in the next few hours, I trust.

Come on, man, work to do.

I'll see you later.

I'll see you later.

Not in the next few hours, I trust. Come on, man, work to do.

Best go and do it then.

What did you say?

I only came back for you.

When where do we get there?

Have you lost your senses?

It's not slavery, mate.

I'm not in bloody chains.

Go on, put your things together.

You can't just decide to...

Off and running.

Free.

I mean it, love.

Think very carefully, miss.

You'll get no character.

Frank.

Are you going with this man?

Of course you're not.

Good girl.

Get back to your work, then.

As for you, you pick up your trappings and go.

In my arm time.

See you in a bit, Grace.

You won't.

Who the hell are you?

George Cosmo, sir. New footman.

You think so, do you?

You will take a walk to the village.

You will adjust this to the time on the church clock

by pulling out the winder thus and adjusting the hands thus.

You will then return, hot foot.

But first, I'm going to have you in livery.

As for you...

Save it for the new lads. It's too wet behind the ears.

I go when I'm good and ready.

As from this moment,

we do not have an under-butler.

Mr Keneally has been disgraced,

and none of you...

None of you will speak to him.

Understand?

They're a slaggy match in bloody Venice.

They never.

You do as you're bloody well told, Keneally,

and they come straight back at him.

You happen to think so, do you?

I thought they sorted it all out.

What about Grace May?

Maybe she'll sod off with him.

So what do you reckon?

Fancy a shag with a new under-butler, eh?

Come on, let's get these things shifted.

It's starting to take it down. Come on, quickly!

What's wrong with him?

It's dinner time.

Got any time to eat or something?

What a good idea. Why didn't I think of that?

Cook's got a bad one.

Anyhow, it's not a cook's job.

He'll have to ask Prince Albert.

If you mean me, Miss Fat Arse,

the title is chef.

Sorry, chef.

The cook prepares slop for pigs like you.

But Lord Harry's a snurge is born,

and his meals are prepared by me,

which takes time and thought.

You!

Out of that bench and leave my oven.

You!

Hang this up.

Because God is in his oven,

and Felix Krauss is back in his kitchen!

Bread.

Milk.

And...

Twisted sugar.

It's for the boy.

Oi, Grace!

Sorry to hear your troubles.

It's a bugger that, your fella going loony.

I'll pack your bag, shall I? Time we got shot of you.

She's not going.

Yeah, she is.

Made for each other, her and mad Frank.

Who said I'm not?

Well, you're not, mate.

Maybe he wants to tag along.

Three in a bed. Lovely.

She's a charmer.

Thanks for Harry's tea.

But she's right, though.

That Frank's a wild man.

You don't want to spend the rest of your life

tied to someone like that.

Come on, Harry.

You mind your business and I'll mind mine.

Don't need rescuing.

How about we all need rescuing sometimes.

George Cosmo.

As in Cosmos.

One of the stars.

Your servant.

Mr. Jarvis?

Susan's bringing us tea and cake.

A welcome home treat.

Appreciate it.

Now,

Frank's been eating.

He's hopped down the drive.

He's just walked out on us.

He's got a gun.

He's got a gun.

He's got a gun.

He's got a gun.

He's got...

He's got a gun pointed at us.

He never did.

Good riddance.

Nothing but insolence and temper since the day we left.

His father wants him to take over the Tannery.

He's welcome to it.

A Tannery?

Poor Grace.

A lifetime of liming, pelts,

and the stench of death.

She won't give up Taplos for that.

Ah, but for love.

But she's not going with him.

She has more sense.

Ah, it's a very good recommendation

for a very good house.

It's fit, and strong, and very courteous.

So this is from the housekeeper?

I did come through.

Thank you, Susan.

She did send a letter by the time.

I don't care if she sent a proposal of marriage

written in her own blood.

Since when did any housekeeper have responsibility

for male members of staff?

I know you women and young men.

They wrap you around their little fingers.

We are not a refuge for good-looking layabouts.

God gave us ears to save our feet.

Oi!

I've not missed them, have I?

Got back about an hour ago.

How come no one told me?

Ah, they're making time from Southampton.

It has me up for another bollocking.

Why? What's the panic?

I'm only supposed to be stood here

like bloody little Bo Peep for every bloody carriage

that passes, isn't I?

The master's idea of a pastoral idol, isn't it?

Wanker.

Oh.

Oi, Shepherd.

The Earl's not back yet.

Left Southampton two hours after the household.

Be back soon, no?

Just thought you'd like to know.

William Forrest.

George Codman.

First footman with great expectations of promotion.

Second footman with a bit of luck and a fair wind.

Well, so shorthanded they just count your legs.

If there's more than one, you'll do.

Yeah. Why the statues?

Horrible great things.

Uppercrown says we're carting them to proof.

New boy!

My pantry.

Bring your character.

Mrs. Ryan has it, sir.

A character, lad.

Not some scrawled note from a bloody female.

No, don't worry about it.

Ritual humiliation.

We've all been there.

You going into that or what?

Come on, then.

Let's get these boogers moved.

Quite the blue-eyed boy, according to your character.

Any special talents?

Shooting?

Running?

The Earl likes his athletes.

Not really, sir.

You're too modest.

Judging by your speed to the church and back,

you'll give our Frederick something to worry about?

A bit more bookish than athletic.

I'm learning French, Mr. Jarvis, in case the family visit Paris.

Are you any good?

En Francais, si vous plait, monsieur.

Try, in case the family visits Paris.

I'm French.

Try, in case the family visits Paris.

Si.

La famille...

...visit Paris.

Paris.

Paris.

Oh, well.

Never mind.

I've only just started, Mr. Jarvis.

I am hard-working and ambitious.

I have no doubt of the latter.

As to the former, I'll study in his under-butler.

When will I learn?

Let's just wait for your character.

Shall we?

A woman's opinion.

I prefer something a little less febrile and heartfelt,

like the considered opinion of your butler.

I've written to Mr. Savage, and he's prompt with his replies.

Here she is.

You may go.

Sir.

Promises are ironed.

Everyone in their places in five minutes.

Sir.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

May your bollocks blacken and drop off my lord.

I've lost a shoulder bundle.

There is where I can find any damn thing.

You never heard of a iron?

You never heard of a smack on the face?

Here, what's your name?

Knockout.

I've just got to write a letter to my old mum

before I miss the post.

Shut up and move your arses.

Have you got any paper?

What do you want paper for?

Two minutes, come along.

Mr. Jarvis is waiting with his watch in his hand.

Johnny Boots, since when were you a stable lad?

Over with the house servants, if you please.

His lordship paid for a matching pair and we have an odd sock.

Housemaids are a credit to you, Mrs. Ryan, as ever.

And your ladies' maids, the footmen, the grooms.

What we'll have to do.

Cornelia, you have the cheek of the devil.

Get your filthy feet off that carpet.

Grace.

Grace!

Grace, may I?

You will take your leave this minute, Mr. Cornelia.

Grace, come down.

William, see him off.

Touch me for us and I'll have you.

Do as you're told.

Will you come down to me?

William, get him out of here.

Round the back, double quick.

Get shot of him once and for all.

Look at you!

Look at what you've done to me, you lackey's all!

Guards, come in!

Mr. Cornelia!

Get back to your place, Forrest.

You're useless!

Oh, for God's sake.

Grace.

Leave me alone.

I just want to know, who brings the post here?

Post?

Any bloody post, Grace.

Piss off and leave me alone.

He was, he was standing there with his pants around his shanks, shaking hands with a bleeding

bishop.

All right, ladies.

I'd have laughed if I'd seen you.

What were you doing in his room?

Well, I had a cold fall, so I went in to stop the rug burning.

You don't need to hide, then, had you?

You cock up.

I get a bollocking.

I take bollockings for no one.

Well, there was me thinking you were just a first footman, not the Prince Regent.

And you're no one, son.

We've lost the bloody trunk.

It's got my best toes in it.

Oh, no, the brandy.

You are joking.

It's got my best in those shoes and all the brandy.

No, no.

It's in the trunk with the trees, the liquor.

Oh, yeah, you can bring back a load of booze, but you can't manage anything for me.

Where's my best day dress?

Well, it's in the same trunk.

I knew it.

He only wants them damn ugly things up on the roof.

Oh, bloody brandy.

Give him a slap, for God's sake, Hester.

The statues will.

On the roof.

Now.

Fred?

Don't ask me.

Joseph.

Don't ask me.

Joseph.

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me.

Sir?

New boy.

You're not getting out of this.

Would have missed it for the world.

Come on, Will.

Lift it higher.

She won't go up any further.

I've got a right knife fell here.

Let's take it up the main staircase, then.

What?

There was nothing else for it.

Right, you two.

Take your boots off.

Push me, fish.

Just better looking enough, girl.

You ready, mate?

Just about the same weight.

Just had a girl on top, Fred.

You ready?

Always ready, me.

Just lower it down.

Let her slip.

I like it if she slips.

Here she comes, the slut.

Get your hands off me.

I'd rather have Lady Caroline.

Shh, boys.

Don't talk to the devil.

Don't talk to the devil.

You're a gigantic bitch.

Come on, William.

I've got a job to do.

One more for the Pope.

Damage her.

You'd do well to follow good advice, Mr. Forrest.

You get her onto her fat arse, get her into the corridor,

and leave her for the night.

We have dinner to serve.

In the morning, William,

I want her and her old man on the roof by midday tomorrow

and no more silly pantomimes.

Why have you got one tit open to the air?

Oh, same reason you're going meat and two veg

waving in the wind, husband.

What do you think of anything else?

She only wants me for my salami.

Oh, husband, husband, all these promises.

I thought so.

Half past ten and it's bedlam.

This is not Italy.

I will not tolerate sloppy foreign ways in my household.

Frederick, down.

And as for you, Mr. Forrest,

you've precious little to strut about.

My back passage is still obstructed by some half-naked heathen.

Well, I don't know if she's boasting or complaining, if you ask me.

Let's all scream a bit more and bring her back, shall we?

Are you still here?

I thought Owen Frank was true love.

Don't start, Esther.

Now, you haven't got a man of your own, love.

You keep your eyes tight shut when you walk past mine.

It's always a bit tricky with your William.

You never know where he'll grab you next.

You wish.

No, love, I really don't.

If I wanted to, I could have a man ten times his worth

and a night still.

Charming.

And for your information, the one with the bow and arrow is Artemis.

So?

She doesn't have tits.

She has a breast.

Just the one?

Actaeon saw her naked,

so she changed him into a deer and then she shot him.

She's the goddess of hunters.

She's not a tart.

You're confusing her with Esther.

Come on.

Come on.

Is that it, then?

You should be so glad to have that pillow.

My guts still aren't right.

He's puked in every sea in Europe.

Well, thanks.

God, I've been looking forward to this for weeks.

Stuff it, then.

Well?

Charlotte brought it back for me.

I'll take you there one day, if you're a good girl.

You won't even have to take a boat, will you?

Just one.

I'll be back in a week.

I'll be back in a week.

I'll be back in a week.

I'll be back in a week.

I'll be back in a week.

I'll be back in a week.

I'll be back in a week.

I'll walk across the seven seas.

Wasting your time with her.

Frank and Annie don't give up easy.

And does George Cosmay?

She'll go after him.

She hasn't yet.

Either way,

she's too good for you.

The way I see it, George,

the underbutler, gets first pick.

Not my meal, am I not?

The under-butler, not some spotty foreman.

You under-butler, that's a laugh, isn't it?

Do you hear that, cocky sod?

Aren't you supposed to be upstairs?

You shouldn't do that.

Yeah, you shouldn't be in the scullery.

Dear Mr Jarvis, so why are you writing to him?

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

I'm not, just...

Sod you, Grace.

Are you faking a character?

Shh.

Look, I'm not a villain.

I'm not.

I just need this job.

I've dreamed of a place like this since I was...

You've never been a footman before, have you?

I know what to do, Grace.

I've seen enough.

Mr Savage, the butler, was a bastard.

Hated me.

I kept putting in for footman, but you...

I've heard him talking about Mr Savage.

Worked together years ago.

What if he knows he's writing?

If he does, I'm finished with it.

It's worth a go, isn't it?

I suppose so.

See you in the morning.

His name's not Jarvis.

It's just what the master calls all his butlers.

His given name's Walter Corey.

C-O-R-R-Y.

Italian brandy.

I wouldn't cook with it.

They thought they could smuggle this in behind my back.

When you're that age, Felix, you think everyone's stupid.

That's true.

I will remind you men that I do not accept incomplete livery.

You're a disgrace.

The lost trunk, Mr Jarvis.

My heart bleeds.

Mrs Ryan's girls put you all to shame.

I will also remind you that servants are not permitted

to keep spirits anywhere on the estate.

Is that clear?

Did any of you bring whiskey?

Brandy?

Any other spirit back from Rome?

Hmm?

Well?

What is it, Mr Mackey?

The undertaker, sir.

I'll be there.

In the absence of Frank Keneally,

William, you will act as under butler.

For now.

You are dismissed.

You will have statues littering every hallway and entry.

Well done, Will.

I knew you'd get it.

So did I.

About bloody time, eh?

I said now.

Just one of these little games.

I've got the job.

Hear that, Grace?

I'm the under butler's sweetheart.

That's you fulfilled a lifetime ambition.

Nearly went to the nearly under butler.

You'll know when you look me!

Girls!

Girls!

Girls!

Girls!

Girls!

Some bloody statues.

Where's Cosmo got to?

He's not in the truffle then, sir.

Truffled a few buckets of ice on top of him.

Earl should have had him quietly done away with years ago.

There's not a tooth in his head.

Usual Sturges, born, headstone.

Full embalming, all the usual.

He was a good dog in his day.

At least we don't have to stuff him and stick him on the roof.

Any post yet?

Should be hearing from your butler today.

You only had to ask.

They'd give me a hard time, wouldn't they?

Right, well, the woke up mothers, mate.

Not that mine, mate.

She'd write every bloody day if she could afford to.

I'm going to see Jarvis now.

You want me to take him up?

No.

There's nothing for him.

It's all for Mrs. Ryan, you idiot.

Didn't even say goodbye.

He didn't want you to say anything.

Just pick up your bags and run after him like a little child.

You were wise and brave not to give in to him.

I know it hurts.

But it'll pass.

In a couple of years, he'll just be a distant memory.

Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Ryan.

I had a friend once engaged to be married.

On the very brink.

And then for all sorts of reasons, she couldn't go through with it.

Looked at him and realized that she didn't trust him,

that he wasn't...

She could have married him easily.

But her head drained.

And now, 12 years on, she's a senior position

and horizons she'd never dreamed of.

Well, she hears of him from time to time

and he's nothing and no one.

She doesn't have any regrets.

Or many regrets.

Yes?

Mrs. Ryan.

Right, go on.

Busy yourself with your duties.

And turn a deaf eye to any doubts.

Do you... A blind ear, do you...

Oh, go on.

It's a perfect moment.

It's not enough.

You let go.

I've done it now.

It's not a common circus and no one is dead.

Return to your duties.

Return to your duties.

Mrs. Ryan.

The gods are falling.

As false gods will.

When you hear me talking, get on out of here.

Yeah?

Mr. Jarvis, sir.

Your doing, is it?

Yes, sir.

All on your own?

Yes, sir.

An atlas in your service, Mr. Jarvis.

Able to move whole worlds on his own.

I rigged up a pulley system, but it seems the bannisters couldn't take the strain.

Are you a total bloody idiot?

Mrs. Ryan was worrying.

Blocking the stairs.

You said by noon, it's well past that.

William's given up, so I thought I'd give it a try.

Typical William.

We're lucky it didn't bring the whole staircase down, was it?

It's cool, it's cool, it's cool.

At least one Italian won't be fathering any more bambinos.

Bloody thing fell off in Rome.

Naples and then Calais.

Kept on sticking it back, but every time.

Going up to the house?

Later, to have a beer with the lads.

Tell Grace from me I'm not leaving without her.

Where are you going?

Just tell her I'm going nowhere until she's with me.

Tell her the usual time, the usual place.

There you are, you sneaky swine.

I wanted to help her, but that nasty William, he couldn't be arsed.

The point is, Will, you copped her.

And I got us out of it.

You've wrecked that chair.

What is it?

A machine for making underbucklers,

so you can stop creeping around Jarvis.

I must have joined her as well, eh?

I've put my arse up in this hole for seven years,

waiting for bloody Frank to move on.

And now he has.

And no-one's going to bolt it up for me.

LAUGHTER

Come on, lads.

Who's she dragged in now?

God knows. She only goes to medical men and liquors.

Yeah.

Oi, Susan, who's the mophead?

He's a doctor.

Aren't you?

I'm not fully a doctor.

No, it's cos Dad's.

Bloody hell.

Here's Dad Blow from Lidderminton Powell.

He's one of the embalmer.

The embalmer? Susan!

He's a medical man.

He is.

Oh, York.

You'll not let him touch your tits, have you?

Why don't you all just shut up?

Oh, think where them bony hands have been.

Perking up a dog's arse.

It's his silver wing.

Take it for a snog in the graveyard, love.

They'll have a good stuff for bloody hell.

It's Grace.

Back to the dig.

You be the gentleman.

And I'll be the virgin.

Right, lads.

Who wants an extra jug of beer?

Come on, Randy.

Work to be done.

Fred, put her down.

Nice and easy. Very nice and quiet.

Oh, sorry, George.

That's it. Very nice.

Just keep it moving.

Mind that lamp, Josh.

Good work, Mr Forrest.

You all right, Josh?

That I gaze on so fondly today.

Grace.

It's just such a mess.

Would you like me to help, Mrs Rye?

No.

You go on out and enjoy yourself with your friends.

I'm nearly finished.

Take no notice.

I'm just ignorant.

It's a very skilled job, I know that.

You've got to be...

sensitive and...

artistic.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Pops on my pillow

An oar in the night

My oar labours empty

Earth dyes pepper white

Trembles me weary knee

My child's nearly died

Then comes the unbuttoned foot

That's my wife they've got nearby

La la la, la la la

This is the most precious one of all.

A replica from the basilica of the Church of St Simon.

I don't want you breathing beer all over it.

The finger of St Paul.

The what?

The holding finger of the sainted bull.

And how much do they please you for that?

Contribution to church violence?

Contribution to a robbing a poor bastard.

Do saints have no knuckles, then?

So are you.

Come in, though.

That's about as holy as your family can get.

Bloody ironic.

Never mind.

Just do a box of Peter's Bailey, that'll do.

Where's my dancing partner?

Oh.

Frank?

I was so worried.

Thor might never see you again.

We ain't even spoken, not properly kissed.

Why didn't you come with me?

Don't be so cold, Frank.

Please.

I've waited months for that.

Why didn't you come with me?

Never met your family.

Don't know anything about Ireland.

Don't know anything about tanning halls.

You know everything about me.

We can be on a boat this time tomorrow.

You were going to be a butler.

I was going to be a lady's maid.

We were going to travel the world.

I've done that.

But I haven't.

We've courted near on two years now.

I kept myself true to you.

I've done everything you've wanted of me.

I know.

I've told my father I'm bringing back a wife.

I've not had the chance to talk about or tell you how I felt.

My mistake then.

I thought you loved me.

I do.

You love this place more.

You love the idiot more.

I don't know your parents.

Tannery, all I know is about that.

That smell, it's all anybody knows, I know.

But you get used to it.

You don't smell it anymore.

You always said it was hell.

But now I'll be the boss.

The master.

And you'll be my missus.

I've come halfway across England for you.

I stood there in front of everyone and begged you.

I won't be made a fool of.

Who, me?

Two years courting a bloody virgin.

To be humiliated in front of those gay Benedicts.

Stop it!

Stop it!

No!

Get off me!

No!

Stop it!

Keneally!

Bugger off, boy.

Just leave her alone.

Toddle back to your new little friends.

This has nothing to do with you.

I just have to shout, mate.

You'll be coughing up blood for us mammies, boy.

You have to count to three to get back to your kennel.

One.

Two.

Three years in the infantry, Sam,

and you learn how to hurt people real bad.

Get up.

You're never coming back, Paddy.

Say it.

You're never coming back.

Don't worry.

I'll be back.

I know.

You don't need rescuing.

You kenny-witty boy,

when he comes so back to you,

kenny-witty boy,

in the top of the back to you,

kenny-witty boy,

so far, far away in the butler's pantry in the morning.

I know you like that face.

You ain't going to get the job.

Morning, beautiful.

I'll try again.

Good morning, Miss May.

Mr. Joe, we should get your character this morning,

shouldn't we?

Say goodbye now.

Save us the trouble later.

I'm not done just yet.

I wish you'd stop thanking me.

It was fair, fat and beautiful,

with legs all like trees,

all like pudding bowls hung down to its lid.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning, my friend.

That's the best ball job, isn't it?

Oi, Posty!

Save your legs!

Oi!

Oi, Posty!

Oi, Post!

Oi!

Why aren't you upstairs?

Better things to do, mate.

Will you tell me where you're going first?

Don't make me hurt you, Will.

Don't you make me laugh!

George!

Christ!

I'm sweating suffering, Christ.

God help me now, or I'll never sin again.

Your character, I believe.

I need a sharp knife for the seal.

Give me one knife.

You haven't wasted the summer.

We've hung new curtains in all the morning rooms.

And the morning room has been painted and papered.

I think everything is in the best of order.

I would expect no less.

I've unpacked my boxes.

For you.

I thought we might...

There will be 18 for the next month, next Monday.

The usual 120 for breakfast, luncheon, stirrup cup.

The Coliseum.

The Coliseum.

By a local artist.

Let's see to the rabble.

Mr Jarvis, do you want me in Frank's old livery, sir?

You?

I just thought we were the house guests

Ah, yes.

I thought if it was going to fit anyone, it would probably be snuggest on Mr Cosmo.

I guess you must have heard from my dear old friend, Mr Savage.

Always said I was cut out for under butler.

See you later.

I'm past the bill.

She gets worse.

Why am I here?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What is it, woman?

It's Emma's bloody tongue, you doghouse.

It's a miracle.

Oh, my God.

Somebody shut her up.

Charlotte, stop it.

What is it?

It's the willy.

Poppy.

She should know.

It wasn't his finger.

It wasn't his finger.

What's she on about?

It's that Peter's pinky.

St Paul's, this.

And it wasn't, was it?

It's a different colour than twice his foot.

It's come to life.

It's funny.

It's come to life.

Just like mine does every morning.

Be careful, Will.

Don't get any powder on my new outfit.

Whoops.

Oh, never mind.

I'll clean it up before I wear it.

I'm on my way to see Jarvis right now.

This will probably be it.

Don't be too sure about that.

The thing is, I get this whiff of you.

Let me see.

What is that?

Oh, yeah.

Fraud.

Do you know what I reckon, son?

I reckon you're a bloody fake.

William, William, William.

I am going to be on your side.

You've lost, mate.

I have won.

Shame.

Oh, not my face.

Not my bloody face.

You moved.

I didn't move, Will.

You hit me straight on.

Bones, look at my coat.

My coat?

I think you'll find that it's my bloody coat, gentlemen.

Mr Adams?

All the way from Glasgow.

And gasping for a drink.

We didn't know you were coming.

Did you not?

A pleasant surprise, then.

Mr George Cosmo.

Mr Adams' underboss at the Glasgow house.

Position correct.

Geography wrong.

I'm transplanted here to the hallowed ground of Taplos.

Mr Jarvis sent for me two days ago.

Bastard.

Sorry, Mr Adams.

I think I can promise you will be.

Fighting on duty.

You, no pay for a month.

You, ditto.

Ah.

Not under Butler after all.

I'll get over it.

You still upset?

I'll get over it.

We could go to Italy one day.

That's what you really want?

I want a lot of things.

Same here.

This is just the start.

You'll have to learn to behave yourself, then.

I'll be as good as gold from now, I promise.

I will.

You told me you were good at this.

It's George.

George, someone's coming.

I said two.

Put it back.

Shut up. Look how many he's thiefed.

We drink one, we sell one. Two at a time.

It'll take him weeks to notice.

Quit it.

It's all about using this.

MUSIC STOPS

Position right.

Geography wrong.

Pumper's git. Nasty git.

I know why, of course.

He's too old to make Butler now.

This is him for life.

Ugly bastard.

You should have got a job.

Where we'll keep an eye out for each other.

What do you mean?

My first task...

Young gentleman.

..will be to take your pathetic, shambling thorn

into something his lordship can be proud of.

Yeah, and a pig's bloody ear.

Shit!

Shit!

Grace.

MUSIC STOPS

The woman with the bow and arrow is Artemis.

Artemis?

Actaeon saw her naked.

MUSIC RESUMES

BELL RINGS

I can never trust you to behave properly.

Ah!

This is a madhouse!

Esther.

She didn't mean to.

She was just rushing to Harry.

Then what is to stand for?

That's a shame!

It's you all over, innit?

Can't open your trap without spinning the yarn.

MUSIC STOPS