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1
00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:03,103
I have more friendsthan anyone else I know,
2
00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:05,038
and every single day,more people ask
3
00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:06,573
to be friends with me.
4
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:13,013
Seeing that number creep updoes make me feel good.
5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,049
But for all my online friends,
6
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:18,585
in the real world,i only have one.
7
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,053
Hey!
Hey.
8
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,355
There you are.
Got you something.
9
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,056
Aah!
10
00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:26,393
What is that?
11
00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,128
It's a landline.
12
00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:30,000
Before touchscreens,
there was touch-tone.
13
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,032
Before touchscreens,
there was touch-tone.
14
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,066
And before touch-tone,
15
00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:36,670
there were rotary phones,
like this one.
16
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,038
Henry and I spenda lot of time together,
17
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,573
and we never have sex.
18
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:43,010
We are, in the truest senseof the word, friends.
19
00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:46,013
This phone
will teach you to be patient.
20
00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:49,349
Huh.
21
00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:51,418
It is not fast.
It does not store numbers.
22
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,220
So you may have to learn some.
Or...
23
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,354
Hmm.
24
00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:56,723
...you could
use one of these.
25
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,659
See, that's what madeour friendship so great.
26
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,000
Henry was alwaysteaching me stuff,
27
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:00,427
Henry was alwaysteaching me stuff,
28
00:01:00,427 --> 00:01:02,062
and I was always letting him.
29
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,197
That's why I thoughtnothing could come between us.
30
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:05,165
Hi.
31
00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:06,166
Hi.
32
00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:08,135
His door's closed.
I see that.
33
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:09,303
I'm about to open it.
34
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:10,470
No, no, no.
35
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:13,140
Uh, it's intentionally closed.
It's staying closed.
36
00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:14,207
What's that
supposed to mean?
37
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:15,609
Well, he's in there
with someone
38
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:17,611
and doesn't
want to be disturbed.
39
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:18,612
Shut up.
40
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,414
I'm serious, eliza.
41
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,416
He asked me to make sure
no one bothers him.
42
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,651
Who's in there?
43
00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:25,619
I'm not at liberty to --
44
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,387
is it saperstein?
No.
45
00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:28,322
Joan?
No.
46
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:29,556
Is it Larry, linda?
47
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:30,000
No. No.
48
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:30,657
No. No.
49
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,326
Is it Obama?
50
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,660
No.
51
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:34,995
Is it tobey Maguire?
52
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,229
No.
53
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,165
Is it tobey Maguire,
you little bitch?!
No.
54
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:39,099
No.
55
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,669
Oh.
Oh!
56
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:48,208
Julia, this is
my...Contemporary,
57
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:49,409
eliza.
58
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:53,046
Eliza, I present,
for your consideration, Julia,
59
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,548
the gentlewoman
I'm courting.
60
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,382
What?
61
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:56,683
Henry, thank you
62
00:01:56,683 --> 00:02:00,000
for the enjoyable conversation
and the lime-infused water.
63
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:00,153
For the enjoyable conversation
and the lime-infused water.
64
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:02,089
No, thank you
for making the schlep
65
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,024
and providing
the curried chicken salad.
66
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:11,164
Henry?
67
00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:14,034
Are you low-key dating
that tiny woman?
68
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,236
Well, increasingly,
things are moving
69
00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:17,638
in that direction, so...
70
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,973
I would have to say yes.
71
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,975
Officially, yes, I am.
72
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,180
Thank you, Charlie.
73
00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:30,000
♪ I'm looking at me ♪
74
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,052
♪ I'm looking at me ♪
75
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,287
♪ hey, look, it's me ♪
76
00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:36,690
♪ not to make it all me ♪
77
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,126
♪ funny thing about me ♪
78
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:43,730
♪ is while I'm looking
at me-e-e-e-e ♪
79
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,266
♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪
80
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:49,569
What seems to be
the problem?
81
00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:50,704
What? No, it's not a --
nothing.
82
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,506
It's just -- it's weird
that you didn't tell me
83
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,207
that you officially
started dating someone.
84
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:56,143
We just became official
like six seconds ago.
85
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,310
Yeah,
but if I hadn't have asked,
86
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,445
you wouldn't
have told me.
87
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:00,000
So?
So?
88
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:00,013
So?
So?
89
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:03,150
I tell you every single detail
about my love life with Freddy.
90
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,585
That is a habit I'm desperately
trying to break you of.
91
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,754
Lest we not forget,
you were the one
92
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,057
who was giving me grief
about not getting any.
93
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,093
I thought
you'd be happy for me.
94
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:15,295
But, funnily enough,
they never are.
95
00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:18,532
Now, I typically don't like
to generalize, but I will say,
96
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,767
with the exception
of phylicia rashad,
97
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:24,071
whom I once chatted with
on a layover at O'Hare airport,
98
00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:26,006
all women
are highly emotional
99
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,674
and deeply jealous
creatures.
100
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,643
Julia doesn't seem
to be that --
101
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:30,000
uh, doesn't seem to be.
102
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,244
Uh, doesn't seem to be.
103
00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:34,047
I'm telling you, the two of us
are really simpatico,
104
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,749
more so than anyone else
I've ever dated.
105
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,452
We're both well-groomed,
but not overly ornate.
106
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:47,360
Neither of us feel compelled
to fill every silence
107
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,063
with mindless chatter.
108
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,065
And when we do
make conversation,
109
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,500
we always see
eye-to-eye.
110
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,502
Holding hands
or locking pinkies?
111
00:03:55,502 --> 00:03:56,536
Locking pinkies.
112
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,144
Well, enjoy the pinky-holding
while it lasts
113
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,146
because when Julia
catches wind of how much time
114
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,681
you're spending
with eliza,
115
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,050
she's gonna get all weird
and threatened.
116
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:12,052
Just -- oh, hold on.
117
00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:13,286
Hey, there, lover.
118
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:15,155
No, I'm with Henry.
119
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,457
Yes, I am.
120
00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:20,427
All right,
I'll put him on right now.
121
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,462
Henry,
say hi to my wife.
122
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:24,464
No, no, no.
Just let her hear
your voice!
123
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,703
Hi, Nancy.
It's Henry.
124
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,006
No, it's not Larry
doing a voice.
125
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,074
It's really me.
Good, good.
126
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,443
Oh, god, just because
he's dating someone else
127
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:39,646
does not mean
things between us will change.
128
00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:41,681
No way --
I'm just being paranoid.
129
00:04:41,681 --> 00:04:44,050
You're not
being paranoid.
130
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:47,154
You remember thistle
from my book club?
131
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:50,590
She and I were
hard-core bffs.
132
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:52,459
We canned peaches together,
133
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,261
nostalgia-read
Judy blume books together.
134
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:56,296
We were even
on the same menstrual cycle.
135
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,532
But then she started dating
balthazar and singing backup
136
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,000
in his
ashkenazi klezmer band,
137
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:00,667
in his
ashkenazi klezmer band,
138
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:03,737
and just like that,
our friendship was over.
139
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:07,140
Well, luckily,
Henry doesn't listen to klezmer.
140
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,075
Oh, no.
It wasn't the klezmer.
141
00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:10,177
It was balthazar.
142
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:12,479
He felt threatened
by our friendship.
143
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,347
And thistle knew
I didn't like him,
144
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:16,016
which drove a wedge
between us.
145
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:19,753
If I had just been
more supportive of him,
146
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:22,322
maybe I'd still be friends
with her.
147
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,760
We need to talk.
148
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,095
I'm sorry
for how I reacted.
149
00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:30,000
I'm sorry I sprung
this Julia news on you.
150
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,564
I'm sorry I sprung
this Julia news on you.
151
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:31,598
But I've thought
about it,
152
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,066
and I want to be
super-supportive.
153
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,234
I hope you can be
super-supportive
154
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:35,535
because I really do
like Julia.
155
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:38,104
I get it. I get it.
And I'm dating someone, too.
156
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:38,972
Hi, Freddy.
Hey.
157
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,106
Oh!
158
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:41,975
Even though he's a tool,
I try to be encouraging.
159
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,009
As I will be
160
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,045
of your tiny, sterile,
micro, pocket lady-boy.
161
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,113
Listen, and as far as
our friendship goes --
162
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:48,248
nothing has to change.
163
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,016
I completely agree.
164
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,117
I was gonna say
165
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:53,720
we should probably
make some modifications.
166
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,089
What kind of
modifications?
167
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,425
Well, we probably don't need
quite as many work sessions,
168
00:05:58,425 --> 00:06:00,000
since you've been doing
so well recently.
169
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:00,393
Since you've been doing
so well recently.
170
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:02,295
Uh, what are you
talking about?
171
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,064
Yesterday
was Linda's birthday,
172
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,566
and I didn't sign her card
because my nails were wet.
173
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,735
I'm not doing well.
I'm just -- I'm not.
There she is!
174
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,538
There's our number-one
sales rep.
175
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,573
My little
shooting star!
176
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:15,208
Me? No, no, no, no.
You've got the wrong girl.
177
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,444
I am consistently
late to work.
178
00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:20,981
And sometimes I turn in receipts
for personal expenses.
179
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:23,149
Well, you know who else
was a bit of a rule-breaker?
180
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,385
Harriet tubman.
181
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:29,289
Like you, she had a --
she had a lot of followers.
182
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,000
Yeah,
a lot of followers.
183
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,625
Yeah,
a lot of followers.
184
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:35,095
How many followers
would you say you have?
185
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:38,565
Um, across
all platforms?
186
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:42,102
Roughly 300,000, sir.
Wow.
187
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,471
That's -- that's
significantly more than tubman.
188
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:46,006
Although, to be fair,
189
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,074
she did have
a lot more on her plate
190
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,076
than, uh...You do.
191
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:53,446
How would you like to introduce
our keynote speaker
192
00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:55,448
at the pharmaceutical conference
next week?
193
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:57,550
Me?
194
00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:59,619
We could use
a little star power.
195
00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:00,000
Oh.
And I'm not afraid
to tell you
196
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,988
oh.
And I'm not afraid
to tell you
197
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:04,991
Joan sucked the life out
of pharmaceuti-con last year.
198
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:06,026
But this year,
199
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,395
I really want to grab
people's attention.
200
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:09,562
So, what do you say?
201
00:07:09,562 --> 00:07:11,398
Will you get up there
and make
202
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,366
kinderkare pharmaceuticals
proud?
203
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,435
I'd be honored, sir.
Great.
204
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,404
And I'm sure with Henry
by my side...
205
00:07:19,472 --> 00:07:21,107
I can't lose.
206
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:27,614
I thought we were gonna eat
lunch together, like always.
207
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,050
I'm sorry.
I promised Julia.
208
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,985
Henry, this isn't a good time
for Julia.
209
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,286
I have pharmaceuti-con
coming up,
210
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,555
and I need your help preparing
for the keynote speech.
211
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:37,657
Eliza, you are introducing
the speech, not giving it.
212
00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:39,392
All you got to say is,
"here's this guy."
213
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,361
And if you can remember
his name, all the better.
214
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,395
So...
215
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,531
You're not gonna help me?
I just did!
216
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,665
How's my hair?
217
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:48,134
Black. Same as always.
Thank you.
218
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,438
Hey, if you want to eat lunch
in my office, you're welcome to.
219
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,651
What's that supposed to mean?
220
00:07:52,651 --> 00:07:54,307
What's that supposed to mean?
221
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,977
I think he just means
that it's okay
222
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,011
to eat in his office,
223
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,045
even though he's not
gonna be in there.
224
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:01,348
And you don't think
that's weird?
225
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,984
I mean, he's on his way to eat
lunch with his new girlfriend,
226
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,518
and he's telling me
to eat in his office?
227
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:06,386
Hello!
228
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,288
Okay, I'm surmising
229
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:11,057
that you're worried
now that Henry's dating...
230
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:13,727
Ooh! She whose name
shall not be spoken.
231
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,261
...Julia...
232
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,297
That he won't want you
in his life anymore.
233
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,433
I know I'm probably
just being paranoid.
234
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,102
No, you're not
being paranoid.
235
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:22,651
That's pretty much the script,
unless...
236
00:08:22,651 --> 00:08:24,270
That's pretty much the script,
unless...
237
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:26,139
You do something
to flip it.
238
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,541
Well, I tried being,
like, supportive.
239
00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,043
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
240
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,045
I'm not talking about
being supportive.
241
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,214
Little miss muffet
needs to recognize.
242
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:37,050
Now, what you need to do
is the same thing I did
243
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,519
when this lady from
my urban league who does hair
244
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,721
was trying to steal
my best friend, Camilla.
245
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:44,124
What did you do?
246
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,526
I took the bitch down.
247
00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:49,462
Huh!
248
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:52,032
Look at
this profile pic.
249
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:52,651
Ugh. That is tasteful
and demure.
250
00:08:52,651 --> 00:08:54,734
Ugh. That is tasteful
and demure.
251
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,403
And these reviews...
252
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:59,105
"After years of being
misdiagnosed,
253
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:01,574
"Dr. Julia honed in
on the true cause
254
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:04,411
"of my son's
neurogenic bladder disorder.
255
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:07,747
Thanks to Dr. Julia,
Truman is now peeing freely."
256
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:10,116
Oh, way to go, Truman.
257
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:11,751
Okay. Okay. Okay.
258
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,119
But they're not all trumans.
259
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:14,687
I mean, look right here.
260
00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,456
"Wait time was a little longer
than expected."
261
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:19,692
"But only because Dr. Julia
was performing
262
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:22,651
emergency urethral
reconstructive surgery"?
263
00:09:22,651 --> 00:09:23,029
Emergency urethral
reconstructive surgery"?
264
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:24,197
"Dr. j is a hero."
265
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:27,000
Okay, but...
266
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,168
I got nothing.
267
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,371
Since I couldn't find
268
00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:33,640
a visible holein Julia's character,
269
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,175
i decided to poke one.
270
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,977
Mmm! Tea time!
271
00:09:37,977 --> 00:09:40,280
don't mind if I don't.
272
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,548
What?
You don't want tea?
273
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:44,050
There's no need to specify
that you don't want something,
274
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,585
particularly
if it hasn't been offered.
275
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,455
Duly noted, Earl grey.
276
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,156
Okay,
you're acting weird.
277
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:50,990
I'm being weird?
278
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:52,651
I'm not the one
who loves urine.
279
00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:53,159
I'm not the one
who loves urine.
280
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,294
What did you say?
281
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:57,163
Baby urine.
Isn't that your new lady's fave?
282
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,132
Her fave?
283
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,700
Julia's
a pediatric urologist.
284
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,035
Like I said.
285
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,603
Urology is not
the study of urine.
286
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,005
It is the study of
the urinary-tract system,
287
00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:08,975
which includes the kidneys,
the adrenal glands, the bladder,
288
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:10,143
as well as the male
reproductive organs.
289
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:12,445
Oh, hello.
Paging Dr. peen.
290
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,114
She's a pediatric
urologist.
291
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,516
Oh, hello.
Paging Dr. baby-peen.
292
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:17,517
So sorry.
293
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:20,286
Okay, you are being
incredibly juvenile.
294
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,522
Henry, come on.
Come on.
295
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:22,651
You're still coming over
tonight, right,
296
00:10:22,651 --> 00:10:24,057
you're still coming over
tonight, right,
297
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,993
to help me
with the keynote thingy?
298
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:28,027
Henry?
299
00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:31,131
So, I'll start on the Risotto
if you want to prep
300
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,033
the lamb shanks and mirepoix
for braising.
301
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,735
Braise, huh?
302
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:38,404
What is the e.T.A.
On a braise?
303
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,006
Do you have
somewhere to be?
304
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,142
Uh, not immediately, but
I may have this one work thing
305
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,677
to take care of
later tonight.
Fine.
306
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:46,412
If it's not fine,
you can say so.
307
00:10:46,412 --> 00:10:48,014
I can probably
blow it off.
308
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,048
Oh, no.
309
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:51,251
I'm sorry
if I sound punishing, Henry.
310
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,651
That's my default cadence.
311
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:53,052
That's my default cadence.
312
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:56,322
It's fine.
Sincerely, I'm not mad.
313
00:10:56,322 --> 00:11:00,193
Truth told, I had a...
Rough day at work.
314
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:02,495
Oh, I'm sorry.
You want to talk about it?
315
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,198
Some idiot left
a bunch of negative feedback
316
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,100
about me online.
What?
317
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,969
They kept insisting
that I got my "peen-hd"
318
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:11,638
in "urinology."
319
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:15,441
Have you ever heard of something
so incredibly ignorant?
320
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,744
Unfortunately, I have.
321
00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:19,412
♪ Sha-la-la-la-la ♪
322
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:22,651
♪ it's not the way you smile
that touched my heart ♪
323
00:11:22,651 --> 00:11:23,750
♪ it's not the way you smile
that touched my heart ♪
324
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,653
I think I was being stood up.
325
00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:28,188
♪ Sha-la-la-la-la ♪
326
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,589
I'd never actuallybeen stood up before,
327
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,158
so I wasn't totally sure.
328
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,061
♪ ...that tears me apart ♪
329
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,096
♪ whoa ♪
330
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:39,065
♪ many nights,
many nights roll by ♪
331
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:42,101
I checked all my phonesto make sure
332
00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:42,969
they were in working order.
333
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,172
They were.
334
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:47,674
Hello? Hello?
335
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,108
Hello? Hello?
336
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:50,710
Hello.
I'm talking to myself.
337
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,145
I'm talking to myself.
338
00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:58,017
So I sat by the phonewaiting for Henry to call.
339
00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:58,718
Aah! Aah!
340
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,286
♪ Baby, it's you ♪
341
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:01,588
But he didn't.
342
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,089
Aah!
343
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,991
Henry?
344
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:07,026
Ah. Ahh.
345
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,296
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah,
I do have three minutes
346
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:12,565
to answer a few short questions
about my water usage.
347
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,466
Abso--
348
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,635
uh, I got to go.
349
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:21,574
Yes!
350
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:22,651
I knew you'd come.
Hold your mirth.
351
00:12:22,651 --> 00:12:23,977
I knew you'd come.
Hold your mirth.
352
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,980
I'm here for one reason,
and one reason only.
353
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:30,550
To help me learn to say
"here's this guy"? Huh?
354
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:31,651
How could you have left
355
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,419
those negative reviews
of Julia online?
356
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:36,656
That is a career
you're messing with, and why?
357
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:40,026
Because you can't stand anyone
but you soaking up my attention.
358
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:41,995
You are not the sun,
eliza.
359
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:45,064
The world does not revolve
around you.
360
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,333
You're right.
361
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,335
I think I'm the sun.
362
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,704
And I hear from your tone
that I'm not.
363
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:52,651
Point bees, until we figure out
who the sun is,
364
00:12:52,651 --> 00:12:54,407
point bees, until we figure out
who the sun is,
365
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,542
maybe we need to go back
to meeting
366
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:58,578
like one to three times
per week.
367
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,413
You do need help.
368
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,382
But you're not gonna get it
from me.
369
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,650
I think we're done here.
370
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:08,021
Wait -- done with our
conversation, or done
with this friendship?
371
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,556
Henry, just clarify!
372
00:13:16,136 --> 00:13:17,604
Henry had dumped me.
373
00:13:17,604 --> 00:13:19,139
I was legit friendless
374
00:13:19,139 --> 00:13:21,742
and feelingso-Cal sorry for myself.
375
00:13:21,742 --> 00:13:23,577
#thestruggleisreal.
376
00:13:25,579 --> 00:13:26,580
Beep, beep.
377
00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:27,614
Excuse us.
378
00:13:27,614 --> 00:13:28,716
Wow.
379
00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,184
You know something?
380
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:32,653
No one has ever
baked me a cake.
381
00:13:32,653 --> 00:13:35,522
This is the closest
I've ever come to someone
382
00:13:35,522 --> 00:13:37,024
baking me a cake --
383
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:40,494
standing near a cake
that was baked for someone else.
384
00:13:40,494 --> 00:13:42,563
And now that I've lost the only
real friend I ever had,
385
00:13:42,563 --> 00:13:43,751
I'm guessing my future
is gonna be pretty cake-less.
386
00:13:43,751 --> 00:13:46,033
I'm guessing my future
is gonna be pretty cake-less.
387
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,768
Pretty cake-less,
you guys.
388
00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:55,242
Sorry, can you move?
389
00:13:55,242 --> 00:13:57,010
We need to get this cake
to balthazar
390
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,679
before the fondant
starts to sweat.
391
00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:00,581
You baked a cake
for balthazar?
392
00:14:00,581 --> 00:14:02,149
I thought you guys
hated balthazar.
393
00:14:02,149 --> 00:14:04,651
We do.
But we miss thistle.
394
00:14:04,651 --> 00:14:06,787
So we're bringing this
as an olive branch.
395
00:14:06,787 --> 00:14:09,790
There's nothing in the world
a moist cake can't cure...
396
00:14:09,790 --> 00:14:11,058
Except alcoholism.
397
00:14:12,092 --> 00:14:12,726
Have a great one.
398
00:14:17,097 --> 00:14:18,766
And that's when I realized...
399
00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:20,667
Since there's nothing
in the world,
400
00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:23,137
besides alcoholism,
that a moist cake can't cure,
401
00:14:23,137 --> 00:14:25,105
I thought I'd bake one
for Julia
402
00:14:25,105 --> 00:14:27,074
to show that I do respect
her profession
403
00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:29,176
and that I now know
where the prostate is.
404
00:14:32,479 --> 00:14:34,181
Dernk!
405
00:14:34,181 --> 00:14:36,116
Oh. Looks delicious.
406
00:14:36,116 --> 00:14:38,218
Save me
a slice of the bladder.
407
00:14:38,218 --> 00:14:39,486
Will do...
408
00:14:39,486 --> 00:14:41,088
If you will call Julia's office,
pretend to be my mother,
409
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:42,623
and see if you can get her
to squeeze me in
410
00:14:42,623 --> 00:14:43,751
for an appointment
this afternoon.
411
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:44,158
For an appointment
this afternoon.
412
00:14:44,158 --> 00:14:46,260
No.
But if I make nice
with Julia,
413
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,128
maybe she'll let me
stay friends with Henry.
414
00:14:48,128 --> 00:14:49,096
No.
415
00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:50,297
Please?
416
00:14:50,297 --> 00:14:51,131
No.
417
00:14:52,399 --> 00:14:55,102
Look, you're already a mom,
and you give good phone.
418
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,603
This will be easy
for you.
419
00:15:00,140 --> 00:15:02,342
Hello, I'd like to make
an appointment
420
00:15:02,342 --> 00:15:05,078
for an adult white lady
carrying a prostate cake.
421
00:15:06,313 --> 00:15:08,715
Yes, 3:15's fine.
422
00:15:17,191 --> 00:15:19,526
Does one of you have
a teen vogue or something?
423
00:15:19,526 --> 00:15:20,627
I'd even take
424
00:15:20,627 --> 00:15:22,129
a good housekeeping
at this point.
425
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:23,163
Moms?
426
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,738
That one's
my favorite.
427
00:15:33,073 --> 00:15:34,808
"The courageous kitty"?
428
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:37,110
What's so courageous
about her?
429
00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:39,346
Did she come out
to her parents? Huh?
430
00:15:39,346 --> 00:15:40,447
Hey.
431
00:15:40,447 --> 00:15:42,783
It's about
a scared little kitty
432
00:15:42,783 --> 00:15:43,751
who doesn't think
she can cross the river
433
00:15:43,751 --> 00:15:45,619
who doesn't think
she can cross the river
434
00:15:45,619 --> 00:15:48,155
to get to
her first rodeo.
What?
435
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:51,024
But she just keeps
believing in herself.
436
00:15:51,024 --> 00:15:54,561
And she realizes
that she can make it.
437
00:15:54,561 --> 00:15:57,364
And then
she does make it.
438
00:15:57,364 --> 00:16:00,100
And she stays on the boat
for nine --
439
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:02,369
this is your favorite book?
440
00:16:02,369 --> 00:16:04,104
Then I realized --
441
00:16:04,104 --> 00:16:05,272
that little girl
442
00:16:05,272 --> 00:16:07,140
with the terrible tastein literature
443
00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:08,342
was there for a reason.
444
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:11,278
It burns when I oopsy.
445
00:16:11,278 --> 00:16:12,746
Okay, two reasons.
446
00:16:12,746 --> 00:16:13,751
And the second one wasto help me believe in myself.
447
00:16:13,751 --> 00:16:15,482
And the second one wasto help me believe in myself.
448
00:16:15,482 --> 00:16:17,351
I don't need to grovel
or beg.
449
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:20,787
I'm the courageous kitty,
but hotter.
450
00:16:20,787 --> 00:16:24,391
And I can handle pharmaceuti-con
all on my own.
451
00:16:30,597 --> 00:16:34,434
Look at this cake
one of my patients made me.
452
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:35,469
Wow!
453
00:16:35,469 --> 00:16:36,537
A child made that?
454
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,639
Yes, a child
with a very thorough
455
00:16:38,639 --> 00:16:41,041
understanding
of the urological system.
456
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:42,075
Yeah.
457
00:16:52,753 --> 00:16:56,023
May I offer you
a piece of the urethra?
458
00:16:56,023 --> 00:16:57,124
No.
459
00:16:57,124 --> 00:16:58,792
Irritable bowel?
460
00:16:58,792 --> 00:17:02,029
Oh...Or just irritable?
461
00:17:02,029 --> 00:17:05,299
I'm not irritable.
I-I-I'm fine.
462
00:17:05,299 --> 00:17:06,266
I'm fine.
463
00:17:06,266 --> 00:17:09,136
Mmm! This is good!
464
00:17:09,136 --> 00:17:11,705
Season 3 "mentalist" finale.
Let's do it.
465
00:17:11,705 --> 00:17:13,440
Henry...
466
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:13,751
One needn't be
the mentalist
467
00:17:13,751 --> 00:17:15,208
one needn't be
the mentalist
468
00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:19,413
to see that something
is bothering you.
469
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,081
Okay, I'm sorry.
470
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:24,451
It's just, um...
471
00:17:24,451 --> 00:17:26,153
Do you know
that contemporary of mine
472
00:17:26,153 --> 00:17:27,287
I introduced you to?
473
00:17:27,287 --> 00:17:30,257
The jolly ginger giantess.
Yes, I remember.
474
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,759
Ooh, she was a skyscraper,
she was.
475
00:17:32,759 --> 00:17:34,061
Right.
476
00:17:34,061 --> 00:17:36,663
The thing is,
she's more than a contemporary.
477
00:17:36,663 --> 00:17:38,532
She's more like a friend.
478
00:17:38,532 --> 00:17:41,635
The two of us
are pretty close, actually.
479
00:17:41,635 --> 00:17:43,170
And?
480
00:17:43,170 --> 00:17:43,751
And...
481
00:17:43,751 --> 00:17:44,738
And...
482
00:17:44,738 --> 00:17:46,807
Eliza...
483
00:17:46,807 --> 00:17:50,577
She has a big event tonight,
and it is the kind of thing
484
00:17:50,577 --> 00:17:53,080
that I would normally
be there for
485
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,615
to offer her support.
486
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,049
But I didn't --
487
00:17:56,049 --> 00:17:59,019
I didn't want it to be
an issue between us.
488
00:17:59,019 --> 00:18:02,022
Well,
why would it be an issue?
489
00:18:02,022 --> 00:18:03,490
I'm a self-assured woman.
490
00:18:03,490 --> 00:18:06,159
Of course I expect you
to have female friends.
491
00:18:06,159 --> 00:18:08,528
I myself
have throngs of male cohorts.
492
00:18:08,528 --> 00:18:10,163
So you don't mind if I --
493
00:18:10,163 --> 00:18:11,264
throngs?
494
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:13,233
What -- what --
what constitutes a throng?
495
00:18:13,233 --> 00:18:13,751
Oh, more than a gaggle,
less than a swarm.
496
00:18:13,751 --> 00:18:16,269
Oh, more than a gaggle,
less than a swarm.
497
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:20,340
Go help your enormous friend.
It's no problemo.
498
00:18:20,340 --> 00:18:22,142
I won't have a cow.
499
00:18:23,343 --> 00:18:24,778
"The mentalist" and I
will be here
500
00:18:24,778 --> 00:18:26,680
waiting for you
when you get back.
501
00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:35,155
You are phylicia rashad.
502
00:18:36,189 --> 00:18:39,126
I get that a lot.
503
00:18:39,126 --> 00:18:42,396
Ladies and gentlemen,
we welcome you
504
00:18:42,396 --> 00:18:43,751
to kinderkare pharmaceuticals'
505
00:18:43,751 --> 00:18:44,131
to kinderkare pharmaceuticals'
506
00:18:44,131 --> 00:18:47,367
strides in children's
medicine symposium.
507
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:50,404
Now, here to introduce
our keynote speaker,
508
00:18:50,404 --> 00:18:51,705
Ms. eliza dooley.
509
00:18:51,705 --> 00:18:53,607
As I stepped onto the stage,it hit me.
510
00:18:53,607 --> 00:18:55,008
I was on my own.
511
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,076
I couldn't believethat my only friend
512
00:18:56,076 --> 00:18:58,211
was missingthe most important moment
513
00:18:58,211 --> 00:19:00,047
in the guyi was introducing's life.
514
00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:01,314
There she is.
There she is.
515
00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:02,349
Oh.
516
00:19:05,152 --> 00:19:06,520
Thank you.
517
00:19:08,755 --> 00:19:11,291
And now this guy.
518
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:17,064
Oh.
519
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:23,336
Thank you.
520
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:26,106
Shine bright
like a diamond.
521
00:19:26,106 --> 00:19:27,641
Thank you so much.
522
00:19:27,641 --> 00:19:30,711
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
523
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,112
I had killed it,
524
00:19:32,112 --> 00:19:34,014
but no amountof new friend requests
525
00:19:34,014 --> 00:19:35,382
could replace the one person
526
00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:37,217
who had unfriended mein real life.
527
00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:39,086
Told you
you could do it.
528
00:19:40,487 --> 00:19:43,423
Hey.
You showed up.
529
00:19:45,158 --> 00:19:49,129
And what happened to me
not needing you anymore?
530
00:19:49,129 --> 00:19:50,230
Are you kidding?
531
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:52,199
You didn't sign
Linda's birthday card
532
00:19:52,199 --> 00:19:53,600
because your nails
were wet.
533
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,404
What about the tardiness
and the petty-cash fraud?
534
00:19:57,404 --> 00:20:00,807
Not to mention your tendency
to use emojis in work memos.
535
00:20:01,641 --> 00:20:03,210
Your rudeness
to children.
536
00:20:03,210 --> 00:20:04,044
Hey.
537
00:20:04,044 --> 00:20:05,245
Constant gum-chewing.
538
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:07,013
And that landline
I gave you,
539
00:20:07,013 --> 00:20:09,783
which has been off the hook
for at least 24 hours.
540
00:20:09,783 --> 00:20:10,650
Oh, god.
541
00:20:10,650 --> 00:20:12,753
I'm sorry.
542
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:13,751
Come on.
543
00:20:13,751 --> 00:20:14,121
Come on.
544
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:21,328
Thank you.
545
00:20:25,156 --> 00:20:27,125
Aah. Aah.
546
00:20:27,125 --> 00:20:29,260
I heard someone in here
547
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:30,762
has a burning pee-pee!
548
00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:34,733
You're not a child.
549
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,367
But I acted like one.
550
00:20:38,002 --> 00:20:39,738
Did Henry send you?
551
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:40,972
No.
552
00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:46,344
I want to apologize for writing
those stupid reviews.
553
00:20:46,344 --> 00:20:49,114
Well...Thank you.
554
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,513
And I'm gonna make it up to you
by writing a new one that says
555
00:20:52,513 --> 00:20:54,119
and I'm gonna make it up to you
by writing a new one that says
556
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,554
you reconstructed my oopsy
and gave me one of your kidneys.
557
00:20:56,554 --> 00:20:58,256
Please, don't do that.
558
00:20:58,256 --> 00:21:00,759
False reviews of any kind
are a strict breach of --
even if they come from
559
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:03,094
the urine-versity
of Southern bladderfornia?
560
00:21:03,094 --> 00:21:05,096
Especially
if they come from
561
00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:08,133
the urine-versity
of Southern bladderfornia.
562
00:21:08,133 --> 00:21:10,168
Ah.
563
00:21:10,168 --> 00:21:12,270
Now,
if you will excuse me,
564
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:15,039
I have some actual patients
to see.
565
00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:15,673
Yeah.
566
00:21:16,975 --> 00:21:18,076
Bye.
567
00:21:18,076 --> 00:21:19,577
And that's when I realized --
568
00:21:19,577 --> 00:21:22,013
Julia and Imay never be friends,
569
00:21:22,013 --> 00:21:22,513
but at least I wasthe bigger person.
570
00:21:22,513 --> 00:21:24,682
But at least I wasthe bigger person.
38611
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