All language subtitles for Selfie.S01E06 - Even Hell Has Two Bars

♪ Because you know
I'm all about that bass ♪

♪ 'bout that bass,
no treble ♪

♪ I'm all about that bass,
'bout that bass ♪

What did people do
at their desks

before buzzfeed, candy crush,
instant messaging,

texting, sexting, tweeting,
'gramming, and snapchat?

I bet they got buttloads
of work done. Suckers.

What did we say about
half-naked snapchats?

We didn't say anything.

You said,
"this is a place of business,"

and then you asked
what snapchat was,

and I had to tell you
because, as usual,

you have no idea
what anything fun is.

Once again, Freddy
is reinforcing your bad habits

and, quite frankly,
stoking some of his own.
What?

And, quite frankly,
stoking some of his own.
What?

If you two put a fraction
of your narcissistic energy

into solving the issues
currently plaguing our society,

perhaps rising sea levels,
autism,

and the rabidly dwindling
bee population

would be things
of the past.

Whoa. Somebody
needs to get laid.

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ not to make it all me ♪

♪ funny thing about me ♪

♪ is while I'm looking
at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ is while I'm looking
at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

Sometimes I say things
that are totally true

without even realizing
how true they are,

like in 2008
when I accidentally said...

I bet you anything
the dumb golden girl

outlives the man golden girl
and the slut golden girl.

No chance.
Sluts live forever.

So when
i accidentally diagnosed

Henry's sexual frustration,

it shouldn't have surprised me
how right I was.

It's a bed-wetting
remedy,

and your primary color
is yellow.

And your primary color
is yellow.

Do you really not understand
what the issue is?

The box literally looks like
it's been soaked in urine.

Ew.

Did you pee
on my box?

Somebody
needs to get laid.

Yes.

I accidentally called that
in 2014 like five seconds ago!

Still, I couldn't help
but feel partially responsible.

After all, I'd been consuming
most of Henry's free time.

All right, eliza.
It's getting late.

Uh,
let's try this again.

Your co-worker returns
from maternity leave

anxious to share with you
a photo of her newborn baby

anxious to share with you
a photo of her newborn baby

who happens
to look like this.

And you reply?

Aw-aw-aw-aw.

That said,
it really doesn't leave him

much time
to mack on hoes.

And because Henry's
so deficient in vitamin v,

he's super salty about
my relationship with Freddy.

So,
long story short --

we need to get Henry
some strange.

Exactly.

Oh!

You know,
there's a cute girl

that works
in the coffee shop downstairs.

Now, she asked
about Henry once.

And for no real reason,
I blocked it.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I regret that now.

So, you'll help me?

No.
Oh.

Oh, see? I don't know
what my problem is.

It's like my default setting
is to block.

But don't worry.
I-I'll help you.

Probably.

While charmonique and I
came up with a plan

to not block Henry
and the cute barista,

he rearranged his desk supplies

like a sexually frustrated
lunatic.

I don't know why
three-hole punch

gets priority seating over here.

It's not like
I punch three holes in things

all that often.

You know what?
You need to go.

You know what?
You need to go.

Just pack your paper holes
and get out of here.

Brought you something.

Where did this come from?
I don't even use this.

It's a gift card
to the coffee place downstairs.

Here.

don't you want to
go get a drink? Hmm?

Uh, before 5:00 P.M.
or tomorrow from 7:00 to 3:00,

or next Tuesday
when she covers for r-romy?

Hmm?

The next Tuesday
when she covered for romy,

Henry finally took the bait.

Henry finally took the bait.

I'm gonna grab a coffee.

Ca-kaw! Ca-caw!

Is it going down?

It's going down.

But whether or not
Henry would notice

the cute barista
who was covering for romy

remained to be seen.
He's next!

Hey, stranger.

Ooh, it is taking every ounce
of self-control I have

not to block this.

It's like I want people
to be happy.

But on the other hand,
no, I don't.

Here you go, Henry.

Oh, my god.
She gave him a cookie.

Oh, my god.
She gave him a cookie.

She gave him a cookie
he didn't even order.

I didn't order
this cookie.

I know.

I just thought maybe
you'd like to try it.

It has nuts.

You can
eat around the nuts.

No, thanks. Too much work.
I don't want it.

He gave back
the cookie.

Now, who gives back a cookie
unless it's oatmeal raisin?

Look, Henry, the cookie was
my way of saying that --

you're gonna screw up
your inventory.

Where's romy?

Wow.
He blocked himself.

It's like he doesn't even
realize she's hitting on him.

It's like he doesn't even
realize she's hitting on him.

He has no game.

And if we don't help him,
he's probably gonna die alone.

I really hope I didn't just
accidentally predict that.

Hmm.

So, here's the plan.

We covertly gather intel
on Henry,

post him on every single
dating site in existence,

handle the pregame for him
so he can't mess it up,

and then throw a mixer
full of women

already predisposed
to bang.

Mm, okay, so we're gonna need
his height, weight,

likes, dislikes, birthstone,
and any stds.

And favorite cast member
of "friends."

Ooh! Mine's Chandler.

It's that sarcasm
as a self-defense, though.

Good morning, charmo...

Nique.

Nique.

What's this? There's no one here
to say "good morning" to.

How then will people know
to have a good --

good morning, joanna!

♪ Joanna ♪

There she is!

Oh.
Linda.

♪ Linda in red ♪

♪ is dancing with me ♪

Thank you
for your leadership, linda.

You're welcome, sir.

Hey, dad!
Oh, hey, Terrence.

don't I get a song?

don't I get a song?

I'm okay
with "Terrence in red."

Actually, it's more
of a ketchup-y color.

And I wouldn't
want people to think

I'm favoring you
because you're my son-in-law.

Oh, right. Good thinking.

Better safe than sorry.
And who do we have here?

Who's this?

Oh, my name's Fatima.
Fatima.

♪ Fatim-a-way, fatim-a-way ♪

♪ fatim-a-way,
fatim-a-way ♪

♪ in the jungle,
the mighty jungle ♪

♪ Fatima sleeps tonight ♪

I bet you get that
all the time, don't you?

I'm sorry.

I'm interviewing
for an administrative position.

♪ Fatim-am-am-away ♪

You're on the wrong floor,
but you can walk down to five.

Just head straight.

I love this job.

Here you go.

So, how's whatever thing
you were whatevering about

in your office
the other day?

Oh, I redesigned
the package myself.

Oh, I redesigned
the package myself.

Went with a cool gray,
which connotes dryness.

Oh, my god, yes, cool gray
connotes the hell out of --

hey.
Do you like hiking?

What?

Do you like
to go for hikes?

Why?
Do you like hikes?

Let's say I did.

Would you be all,
like, "awesome!

"Let's go on a hike.
Hiking is my favorite thing"?

No.

Yeah, hiking sucks.

Can you lick your lips
and look off in the distance?

What?
I want to add a photo of you
to my contacts,

what?
I want to add a photo of you
to my contacts,

but I don't have one, so
could you unbutton your shirt,

lean against
that doorframe,

and just, like,
slowly lick your lips like...

Are you on drugs?

No, but if I were,
would that be a deal-breaker?

Oh, uh, dad?

Can I -- sir?
Hmm?

Oh, what is it, boy?

Oh, well, it's not
that I'm at all ungrateful

for my position
as alternate office floater.
Mm-hmm.

It's just I was wondering
since Fatima

was being given
the opportunity to --
who?

Was being given
the opportunity to --
who?

Uh,
fatim-am-am-away?

Oh.
Oh, yeah. I love her.

Right.

Um, I was wondering
if maybe I could

also interview
for the administrative --

don't be silly,
Terrence.

That job has Fatima's name
written all over it.

And this company counts on you
to float...Alternately.

Sam.

Honey.

Mwah!
Mwah!

Mwah!
Mwah!

Hi, mom.
Hello, Terrence.

I was just, uh,
picking Sam up for lunch.

Do you want to join us?
Oh, he can't.

He has, uh,

a lot of floating
to do.

A lot of floating
to do.

In fact, he was just
about to float away.

Oh, actually --

float away, Terrence.

Oh!
Uh, copy that, dad.

Uh, bye, mom.
Love you.

Now, my love,
let's go nourish ourselves.

Actually, Sam,
let's not.

I beg your pardon?

I'm afraid
I just lost my appetite

watching you be
so cruel to Terrence.

He is married to our daughter.
He's family now.

I can't understand why
you dislike him so much.
Mm.

I can't understand why
you dislike him so much.
Mm.

I guess
I always pictured Maureen

with some strapping
blue-collar bloke

who later turned out to be
the prince of zamunda.

Well, I'm sorry.

But until you make things right
with Terrence,

I'll be lunching alone.

Oh, yazmin.

This is a bad idea.

We have no other choice.

Henry didn't offer up
any personal info,

and the only pic
I was able to get

looks like this.

Okay.

Darn,
it's password protected.

Try "1234henry."

That's not it.

Try "henry69."

I'm sure it's not --
oh, my god, we're in.

Henry.

I got a great idea.

Ladies,
what's going on here?

Because it looks to me
like you're rifling

through Henry's
personal belongings.

Oh. We are.

But...

But...

...we have good reason.

We want to help Henry
find a lady.

He is all work and,
like, no play, sir.

And we mean no play.

Well, he takes his job
seriously.

He's a man
after my own heart.

Yes, but at the end
of the day,

you go home
to your beautiful wife,

whereas Henry goes home
to a salad, usually.

You can't make love
to a salad.

What can I do to help?

Oh, find out who
his favorite "friend" is.

Oh, find out who
his favorite "friend" is.

And if he ever
had the clap.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Uh, no, Henry, please,
join me.

Thought you had
a private bathroom

in your office.
Oh, I do. I do.

It's just that sometimes,

I like to make amongst
the masses, you know.

Hmm. I see.
Yeah. Yeah.

Although,
you can pick up

some rather rare ailments
doing just that.

You ever pick up
any rare ailments, Henry?

You ever pick up
any rare ailments, Henry?

Sir?

You ever contract
the she-bola virus?

Come down with a...
Rotten Richard?

You ever accidentally download
a bad episode of "burn notice"?

No, sir.

No. No, no.
Me neither. Yeah.

I don't think it's gonna happen
for me here today, sir.
No.

No, sure. Sure.
Just gonna shove off.

He's clean.

Yeah. Sounded that way.
Yeah.

Noted. I will remove his profile
from hotdatescoldsores.Net.

Good. Yeah.

Henry may have been
disease free,

but we were about
to make him go viral.

Now, 51% of the mice with
symptoms survive the trial,

which
I'm calling a success.

Good morning, Henry.
And how are you?

Listening intently,

as we're in the middle
of a meeting.

Listen, I was wondering
if you were free on Thursday.

Listen, I was wondering
if you were free on Thursday.

Free to do what?
Get a drink with me maybe.

There's something
I want to show you.

He's free.

What do you
want to show me?

Um, I thought
we could just leave

from the office after work
and drive together.

Sound good?
Yes. Very.

Great.
It's gonna be a late night.

So make sure
you rest up.

She's been acting
so weird lately.

Henry, are you out of your mind?
She wants you.

Okay, don't...

don't do that.
don't do that!

don't do that.
don't do that!

She doesn't want me.

You may not be good at reading
between the lines, but I am.

"Rest up"?
Oh, you are in for it, buddy.

Now, do you want me
to go down to the lab

and whip up
some stamina sups?

Sups?
Supplements!
Yes or no?

Larry,
you're being ridiculous.

We're like
brother and sister.

Or cousins.

Took my cousin
to the prom.

And I am not afraid
to say

that we did more
than slow dance.

don't...
Hmm?

...tell people
that story.
No?

...tell people
that story.
No?

Henry is super, super
excited about tomorrow night.

He is?
Well, Larry is,

but I'm hoping
it'll trickle down.

Good because I found
a great venue.

Ooh!

I think we could each invite,
mm, 20 girls?

20? I'm having trouble
finding one who's right.

Listen to this one.

"I love nature."

What's wrong
with nature?

Nothing, but the people
who love it smell bad.

And look at this bitch.
Ugh.

She looks nice.

In a flowers-in-the-attic
kind of way.

don't tell me she's not sleeping
with her brother.

don't tell me she's not sleeping
with her brother.

Whoa!
Okay, hold up.

Now you're the one
blocking.

Block-- blocking?
I'm not blocking.

I just know Henry's tastes,
and sorry, but people who

"don't like animals"

need not apply.

Henry doesn't even have
animals.

If you don't like animals,
you're racist.

Mm, disagree.

I really hope we're
not wasting our time on this,

because we served
that cookie up on a platter,

and he didn't even bite.
Yeah.

We could probably invite
a million girls with bad dads,

and Henry would still find a way
to screw it up.

Mm-hmm. You're gonna
have to coach him up.

Get your Mr. miyagi on.

Get your Mr. miyagi on.

Teach him a little wax on,
wax that ass.

Pshew!

That night,
i stopped by Henry's

to help him get his game on.

What are
you doing here?

Henry, let me in.
I need to talk to you.

About what?
Open your door.

For someone
so big on manners,

you seem to
have forgotten yours.

Would you like a beverage?
Yes, please.

All right.

You know,
it's, uh, customary

to call someone
before dropping by.

A girl walks
into your house,

a girl walks
into your house,

and that's the first thing
you say to her?

No wonder you're just
sitting around being lonely.

I'm not lonely. I have
my good friend Philip roth.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe a little lonely.

And maybe I can
help you with that.

Uh,
what are you doing?

Women like it when
you find excuses to touch them.

You never do that.

Well, I don't like
touching people for no reason.

Well, I'm not talking
about for no reason.

I'm talking about for a very,
very specific reason.

What are
we doing here?

I spend tons of time
letting you boss me around,

I spend tons of time
letting you boss me around,

and now it's your turn.

So, lesson number one, while
I'm casually talking to you,

find some small excuse
to touch me.

Great job. Great job.

That was
excellent progress.

Hats off to you, sir.
So, yeah -- oh.

This is yours.
I'm really sorry.

And I will be
seeing you tomorrow.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Terrence, yes, um...

I had Joan
order you some lunch.

Oh!

Well, this will sure make
my cube mates jealous.

Thanks, dad.

I meant for you to eat it
here in my office.

With me.

Seriously?

Seriously.

I'd be honored.

Oh, wow,
this looks lovely.

Is that a frizzled leek?

Let's cut the crap,
Terrence. I mean...

Let's cut the crap,
Terrence. I mean...

Look. Look.

What is it you want
from me, huh?

Well, sir, I...
Suppose I want

what everyone else
at work seems entitled to --

love, respect, and...

My name worked
cleverly into a song.

Well, "Terrence" doesn't work
cleanly into songs.

It's cumbersome,
un-- ungainly.

Oh, what about
"oops, I terranced again"?

Be reasonable.

Fine.

Fine.

But I would
be remiss, sir,

if I didn't articulate
my frustration

with your
unwarranted rejection of me.

In fact, it ignites
a burning rage in my soul.

And this is you with
a burning rage in your soul?

Absolutely, sir.

This is the angriest
I've ever been.

That's fascinating.

What if I said you weren't
good enough for my daughter

and you never will be.

I would firmly disagree

and ask if there's anything else
I can help you with.

Terrence.

Terrence.

don't you see?

You're not
an alternate office floater.

The way verbal abuse
passes right through

your pale, clammy skin,
you're customer service.

I am?

How would you like
a promotion?

I'd love one!

Thank you
for choosing Terrence.

Stop shaking my hand.

Oh, sorry.
Sit. Eat. Eat!

The big night
had finally arrived.

You look great.

Thanks.

So do you.
Thanks.

Hey, uh, so, uh,
don't forget about

that smolder you showed me
last night.

Yeah, about that.

Eliza, I would feel
a lot more comfortable

if you were to just come out
and tell me -- hey.

What am I doing here?

Um, okay, okay.

You know how you can never tell
if someone's hitting on you,

like the barista?
Romy?

No, not romy.

Filling in for romy.
The cookie lady.

Cookie lady?

Was jeopardizing
her inventory

by expressing
sexual interest in me.

Yeah. It's called flirting,
you idiot.

Yeah. It's called flirting,
you idiot.

So, because you have no game
and you're grouchy

because you aren't getting any,
we decided to help you out.

I see.

These women look remarkably
like the both of you.

This is very telling,
and a little sad, frankly.

What are you
talking about?

At least half the women here
are downright beautiful.

Clearly, this has
nothing to do with me

and everything to do
with the two of you.

And everything to do
with the two of you.

This is
incredibly insulting.

I was just trying
to help you.

I don't need help.

Just because I'm not
sexually promiscuous

doesn't mean that there's
something wrong with me.

And for the record...

...I do all right,
thank you very much.

A-and let the record
also show

that I'm not interested
in that cookie.

And -- and --
and off the record...

Not everybody thinks
that casual sex is a cure-all.

Some of us happen to be looking
for the real thing.

Okay, henry69.

That -- that is in reference
to the moon landing,

and you had no right
to be in my office!

I couldn't let Henry
walk away mad at me.

I needed to apologize.

I also needed his credit card
to pay for the bar tab.

♪ I met my future yesterday ♪

So, you're just going to
uber-Jack me?

Oh, that was
not my intention.

I sincerely thought
this was mine.

You know what?
Oh, maybe it is.

Are you saying that
in a suggestive manner,

because I've been told
I'm really bad

at reading cues
from women

who are sexually attracted
to me.

I think you're bad
at reading cues in general.

I think you're bad
at reading cues in general.

But then again, the same thing
could probably be said for me.

Really?

So, if I were to say
something like,

"would you like to go somewhere
quiet for a drink," you'd say?

In terms
of relative volume,

we're already somewhere
very quiet.

That sounds remarkably
like something I would say.

Probably be impossible

for two people like us
to get together.

Probably.

In that case,
goodnight, madam.

In that case,
goodnight, madam.

Oh, and to you, sir.

♪ I lost myself ♪

Henry!

Take the cookie!

I -- yeah.
I was about to.

♪ I lost myself ♪

Um, on second thought...

♪ I lost myself
in the dream you gave me ♪

Watching Henry speed away
in that car...

You're welcome.

...was bittersweet,
i had to admit.

Should I block it?

Yeah.

I'm-a block it.

I'm-a block it.