All language subtitles for Selfie.S01E04 - Nugget of Wisdom

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:03,971 Old habits die hard. 2 00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:05,706 don't tweet it. Eat it. 3 00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:07,007 ♪ I love you like peaches ♪ 4 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,279 ♪ you're as sweet as can be ♪ 5 00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:14,448 It is not an "outfit of the day." 6 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,350 It is just an outfit. ♪ I love you like peaches ♪ 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,518 My followers want to know what I'm wearing. 8 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,152 Perhaps they can redirect their attention 9 00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:20,387 to something more important, 10 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:23,056 like fracking or ronan farrow. 11 00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:26,193 I'm pretty sure my followers hate both of those things. 12 00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:29,062 Henry was trying to help me become a better person. 13 00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:30,000 And even though i appreciated his help... 14 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,031 And even though i appreciated his help... 15 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,700 "For your prompt and professional service, 16 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,003 "I offer my sincere thanks. 17 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,171 Kind regards. Eliza dooley." 18 00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:40,507 ...I also kind of wanted him die. 19 00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,142 By the time the weekend rolled around, 20 00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,145 i just wanted to order a latte and not say "thanks." 21 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:47,648 Thanks. 22 00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:52,019 Any big plans this weekend? 23 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:53,320 Yeah, I'm gonna try to bump into some celebrities, 24 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,322 maybe hit a gifting suite, kick it with karrueche, 25 00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:58,025 yacht-hop, pitbull, binge-drink till I'm white-girl wasted. That sounds... 26 00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,493 Pop by this pop-up party, get my grind on, 27 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:00,000 swing by in-n-out, kiss a hamburger 28 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,228 swing by in-n-out, kiss a hamburger 29 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:03,597 full makeup, no filter, David guetta. W-what? W-why? 30 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,165 Why would you do any of those things? 31 00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:07,100 My friend brit is only 17 followhores away 32 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:07,968 from catching up to me. 33 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,236 "Followhores." 34 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,971 So I need to cop a like spike, score a regram, 35 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,072 and basically, you know, 36 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,473 remind brit that she's a worthless skank. 37 00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:15,309 I can say that. 38 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,310 She's my best friend. 39 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,644 Morning. Morning. 40 00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:19,513 Morning. Morning. Oh, morning. 41 00:01:22,149 --> 00:01:24,451 Not to diminish the importance of smiting your friends, 42 00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:27,287 but could I also convince you to try something more meaningful, 43 00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:29,156 something more constructive, 44 00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:30,000 like, dare I say, to help others? 45 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,158 Like, dare I say, to help others? 46 00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:32,626 Help...Others? 47 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:35,329 B-but it's the weekend. And? 48 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,664 Weekends are supposed to be productive. 49 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,132 Haven't you ever heard the song "working for the weekend"? 50 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:41,602 No. No? 51 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,137 It's an extremely catchy pop anthem about people 52 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:47,107 who opt to spend the weekend working. 53 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:51,411 ♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪ 54 00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:58,318 ♪ everybody needs a second chance ♪ 55 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:00,000 ♪ everybody's working for the weekend ♪ 56 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,222 ♪ everybody's working for the weekend ♪ 57 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,726 That song's not about working for the weekend. 58 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:07,728 Beg your pardon? 59 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:11,064 I love that song, but it's not about working for the weekend. 60 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,100 It's about working for the weekend. 61 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,167 That's what I said. 62 00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:17,037 No, it's about working in anticipation of the weekend. 63 00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:18,138 Oh, I see. 64 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,041 So the sole purpose of working is to enjoy the weekend. 65 00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:22,709 That's exactly right. Yes! Thank you! 66 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,478 Well, that was certainly not my interpretation. 67 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,712 As you can imagine, 68 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,081 I will now be removing that jam from my playlist. 69 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,282 Okay, how about this? 70 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,000 I promise to work for the weekend if you promise not to. 71 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,120 I promise to work for the weekend if you promise not to. 72 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,522 And just to clarify, 'cause there has been some confusion -- 73 00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,991 I will accept Henry's assignment and do something to help others 74 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,026 if, in return, 75 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,061 he will spend his weekend doing anything but working. 76 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:43,196 He needs to let loose and have some fun. 77 00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:44,631 Oh, I intend to. 78 00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:48,035 We're talking weekends, right? Mine's gonna be huge. 79 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:51,004 Got my high-school reunion tomorrow night! 80 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,372 And the one that got away 81 00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:55,976 will be in attendance -- Mitchell mcmoney. 82 00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,978 Now, I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, 83 00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,000 that the only reason why I am still single is because 84 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,248 that the only reason why I am still single is because 85 00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:04,584 I'm destined to be Mrs. mcmoney. 86 00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:10,290 The year was 1994. 87 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:12,059 Yeah, I got a meeting that starts -- shh! 88 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,362 ♪ I'll make love to you ♪ just as we were about to exit the friend zone 89 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:18,365 and get our grind on, someone paged me. ♪ like you want me to ♪ 90 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,367 ♪ and I'll hold you tight ♪ the 411 was a 911, 91 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,503 meaning I had to outie 5000. ♪ baby, all through the night ♪ 92 00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:25,038 The next thing you know, 93 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,041 he was on tour making oversized blazers for jodeci, 94 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,000 and I was at Yale. You went to Yale? 95 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:30,043 And I was at Yale. You went to Yale? 96 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,545 This weekend, I'm finally gonna get my chance 97 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,679 to rekindle things. 98 00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:33,680 Charmonique? Hmm? 99 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,148 I always look good. 100 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:37,284 I could come over tomorrow night and help you get ready, 101 00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:40,387 if you think that would be selfless and thoughtful of me. 102 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:43,223 You know what? That would be selfless and thoughtful of you. 103 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,691 Thanks! Yeah! 104 00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,093 Your turn. 105 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,496 ♪ I'm looking at me ♪ 106 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:51,998 ♪ hey, look, it's me ♪ 107 00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:54,267 ♪ not to make it all me ♪ 108 00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:56,603 ♪ funny thing about me ♪ 109 00:03:56,603 --> 00:04:00,000 ♪ is while I'm looking at me-e-e-e-e ♪ 110 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,341 ♪ is while I'm looking at me-e-e-e-e ♪ 111 00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:06,012 ♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪ 112 00:04:06,012 --> 00:04:07,514 Hey, Henry. 113 00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:08,515 Friday night, huh? 114 00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:09,683 That's correct. 115 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,151 About to get turnt! 116 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,486 Myself, as well. 117 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,755 Really? What have you got planned? 118 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,089 Well, I was planning on going home 119 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,525 to not think about work for a little while. 120 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:21,061 And I thought I'd make and enjoy a big salad. 121 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,264 Might throw in some chicken I grilled two nights ago. 122 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,432 Henry. 123 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,400 Maybe a handful of tortilla strips 124 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,568 for added crunch. 125 00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:30,000 Added crunch. You heard. 126 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:30,403 Added crunch. You heard. 127 00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:32,172 Henry, that's the most depressing thing 128 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:33,406 I've ever heard. 129 00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,575 Well, you must be blissfully unaware of the sound 130 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:38,745 a mother whale makes when mourning the loss of her pup. 131 00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:41,081 She basically barks across the whole ocean. 132 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:44,017 Well, I hope saperstein doesn't bark across the ocean 133 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:45,585 when we kill the children's vitamin line on Monday. 134 00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:46,987 What? Has that been confirmed? 135 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,989 Oh, it's confirmed. It's going bye-bye. 136 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:49,990 Oh, come on, Henry. 137 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,125 That chewable hasn't been profitable for years now. 138 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,994 We're actually losing money producing it. 139 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,029 That chewable put our company on the map! 140 00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:59,166 The year was several years ago. 141 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,000 The assignment was to make kids excited about minerals. 142 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,369 The assignment was to make kids excited about minerals. 143 00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,037 Until then, our kids chewable 144 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,206 had been a blue oval that tasted like dirt. 145 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:08,108 But I supposed children would prefer 146 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,710 a vibrant orange elephant that tasted like tangerine. 147 00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:11,711 And, damn it, they did! 148 00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:14,247 Our chewable flew off the shelves, 149 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,415 and kinderkare pharmaceuticals 150 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,584 won the prestigious brandmar award. 151 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,719 That little orange elephant is a rock star, 152 00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,488 and my first big rebrand. 153 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,024 It's a relic, and it can't keep up 154 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,159 with its younger, hipper, gummier counterparts. 155 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,260 Look, I know it sucks, 156 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,029 but sometimes you got to cut down the old trees 157 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,000 to let the new ones grow. 158 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,330 To let the new ones grow. 159 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,498 Am I right, father time? 160 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:34,034 Who's father time? I'm father time? 161 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,302 I'm not the one planning my weekend 162 00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:36,469 around a bowl of roughage. 163 00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:38,471 I said with grilled chicken! Oh, wow. 164 00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:39,673 Sir. 165 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,576 Grilled chicken could be fun. 166 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,511 I thought so. 167 00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,454 Our chewable's history, isn't it? 168 00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:56,356 I don't know -- 169 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,659 don't flimflam me, son. Give it to me straight. 170 00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:00,000 Sir, I'm gonna think of something. 171 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,095 Sir, I'm gonna think of something. 172 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,730 I'm gonna work through the weekend -- there's no point. 173 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,098 It's already gone. 174 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,100 Its chalky soul left the building hours ago. 175 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,101 I can feel it. 176 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:11,605 And if I know that fruity rascal like I think I do, 177 00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:13,607 it would want us to carry on. 178 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,110 Have a great weekend. 179 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:25,986 So...Carry on and have a...Great weekend. 180 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:30,000 The next night, I showed up at charmonique's place. 181 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:30,590 The next night, I showed up at charmonique's place. 182 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:34,127 I would do my good deed, then get the hell out of dodge. 183 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,666 No, thank you. 184 00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:42,002 Move. 185 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:43,203 Mom! 186 00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:46,039 Now, he remembers me with the Mary j. Blige, 187 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:48,208 but a part of me wants to flip the script 188 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,310 and hit him with some erykah badu. 189 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,979 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I understand that instinct. Okay. 190 00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:54,981 But when you completely reinvent your look, 191 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,349 you run the risk of 192 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,451 people not knowing who the hell you are... Oh. 193 00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:00,000 ...I.E. Renée zellweger, who still looks good... 194 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,021 ...I.E. Renée zellweger, who still looks good... 195 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:04,391 But doesn't look a damn thing like miss Renée zellweger. 196 00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,059 Mm-hmm. I see what you mean. 197 00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,694 Mm. Exactly. 198 00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:10,230 Whoo! Okay. So, let's try the t-boz. 199 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:13,333 Okay. Thank you. 200 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,536 Oh, I love it. 201 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,407 ♪ No, I don't want no scrubs ♪ 202 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:23,043 ♪ a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me ♪ 203 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:26,379 ♪ hanging on the passenger side of his best friend's ride ♪ 204 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:27,714 ♪ try-- ♪ oh, no. 205 00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,149 Oh, hell, no. 206 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,000 Please, no, no. This can't be happening. 207 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,284 Please, no, no. This can't be happening. 208 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,153 What's wrong? She's sick. 209 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,988 My sitter's sick! She's sick?! 210 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:37,557 Yeah, she says she had bad Mexican food at the mall 211 00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:38,625 and she can't stop vomiting. 212 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,060 Did you tell her she can vomit here? 213 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,395 Oh. 214 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:47,701 "You...Can... Vomit...Here." 215 00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,035 What did she say? 216 00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:52,072 She says she isn't coming. 217 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:56,009 My psychic said an unknown force would keep me from true love. 218 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,010 But I didn't think 219 00:07:57,010 --> 00:08:00,000 it was gonna be a $5 burrito from the food court. 220 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:00,113 It was gonna be a $5 burrito from the food court. 221 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,982 I'm really sorry. 222 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,417 And no one's gonna be able to come on such short notice. 223 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,119 Mm. Probably not, no. 224 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,154 So that's it. 225 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,689 I'm gonna miss my reunion 226 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:12,158 and my chance to find true love. 227 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,295 It sure sounds that way. 228 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,397 Yeah. 229 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:21,067 I can't think of one single solution 230 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:24,104 in this whole, entire universe 231 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:28,308 that would allow me to go to my event tonight. 232 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,342 Can you? 233 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,153 No. 234 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,058 Now, he only eats nuggets, so just nuggets for dinner, 235 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,559 maybe one or two nuggets before bed, 236 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:48,395 and, if I'm not home by morning, 237 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,296 a bowl of nuggets with some o.J. 238 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:54,968 Um, okay, here is my number if you need to reach me. 239 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,103 Oh, I would like to request that 240 00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:59,272 you keep the door to my wig colosseum closed 241 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,141 because, if I did not make it clear, 242 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:04,144 this whole situation is on climate control 243 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,346 and has an estimated value of 60 grand. 244 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,114 $60,000? 245 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:09,182 Okay, Kevin, I'm leaving. 246 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,250 Get it. 247 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,021 I will, baby. 248 00:09:11,021 --> 00:09:11,451 I will, baby. 249 00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:13,153 Mwah! 250 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,287 I'm gonna call you soon, okay? 251 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:16,656 Oh, and, eliza, thank you for this. 252 00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:18,158 Ah, ah! 253 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,659 I owe you one. 254 00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:21,161 Get it! 255 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,496 I'm not gonna let you die. 256 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,564 I can't. 257 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:28,635 Hello? 258 00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:29,669 Thanks a lot, Henry. 259 00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:31,237 That one nice thing you made me do 260 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,672 turned into another nice thing. 261 00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:35,008 That's wonderful. No, it's not wonderful! 262 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,643 Now I'm actually working for the weekend, 263 00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,678 which you'd better not be, because that was our deal. 264 00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:40,013 What do you think -- I'm over here hanging out 265 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,021 with a bottle of vitamins? No. 266 00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:42,048 With a bottle of vitamins? No. 267 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:45,018 I promise you -- I am full of salad, 268 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:48,154 and I'm about to get... Turnt. 269 00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:50,490 Well, that makes one of us. 270 00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,463 Want to dress up like power rangers? 271 00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,364 No. 272 00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:01,101 What's wrong? You don't like kids? 273 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,036 They're okay. Then what? 274 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,038 You wouldn't understand. 275 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,005 Try me. 276 00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:08,108 It's just my friend brit and I have 277 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,276 this highly competitive relationship. 278 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:11,021 She a Virgo? 279 00:10:11,021 --> 00:10:12,112 She a Virgo? 280 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,514 Continue. 281 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:17,183 We're constantly battling over who's more famous, 282 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:19,252 and, duh, it's always me. 283 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,421 But last weekend, brit almost broke instagram 284 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,755 when she got iced-out grills, 285 00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:24,257 made out with Courtney love, 286 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:27,127 and stepped up her corn nut game by posting those picante limons. 287 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:31,464 Hold up. When did corn nuts drop picante limons? 288 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,667 I was gonna go so hard tonight to defend my crown, 289 00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:37,103 but now I'm stuck here with you. 290 00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:38,171 Are you? 291 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,572 I'm pretty sure I am, yeah. 292 00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,021 The Internet is all about illusions, girl. 293 00:10:41,021 --> 00:10:43,409 The Internet is all about illusions, girl. 294 00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:44,611 You know that. 295 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:47,080 I do know that. 296 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,150 Charmonique, you look amazing! 297 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,451 Thanks, Jeanette. You, too. 298 00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,052 Did you hear about Joe miner? 299 00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,988 His wife left him, and he got hair plugs. 300 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,123 Okay. That's nice. Listen. 301 00:10:57,123 --> 00:10:58,625 Hey. Hey. Bring it down. 302 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,693 Now, I don't mean no disrespect, 303 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:03,596 but I did not come here to talk smack with you thirsty ratchets. 304 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:07,233 I came here for one reason and one reason only. 305 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,002 Charmonique? Mitchell. 306 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,170 ♪ Close your eyes ♪ 307 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,021 Hi, Mitchell. Hi, Mitchell. ♪ make a wish ♪ 308 00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:11,671 Hi, Mitchell. Hi, Mitchell. ♪ make a wish ♪ 309 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,707 Jeanette, chantaal, please break the hell out. 310 00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:16,376 ♪ And blow out the candlelight ♪ 311 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:19,045 I was afraid I'd never see you again. 312 00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:21,714 I would never let that happen. You have to know that 313 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:24,217 I've waited a long time for this opportunity, charmonique. 314 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,251 Me, too. 315 00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:27,320 ♪ All through the night ♪ 316 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,022 When I heard that you were a mother, 317 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:33,026 well, there were no words to describe the way I felt. 318 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,494 But when I found out you weren't married 319 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,062 or even with the father -- shh. 320 00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,530 Mitchell, no, no. Wait. 321 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,732 Let's not do this here. 322 00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,021 Let's get rid of our coats and find a quiet place to talk. 323 00:11:41,021 --> 00:11:42,302 Let's get rid of our coats and find a quiet place to talk. 324 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,237 Wonderful. That's a great idea. 325 00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,072 ♪ I will do anything ♪ okay. 326 00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:48,074 ♪ Girl, you need only ask ♪ 327 00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:49,209 ♪ I'll make love to you ♪ 328 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,211 Looks like you, sir boysenberry, 329 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,713 shall reign until the first of the month. 330 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:58,084 Whereas your days, lord key lime of custard, are numbered. 331 00:11:58,084 --> 00:11:59,219 You, there! 332 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,621 You sneaky Greek bastard. 333 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:04,123 Expired. 334 00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:06,259 You'll hang for your crime! 335 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,021 I have to get out of the house. 336 00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:11,364 I have to get out of the house. 337 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,271 ♪ Oh, ha ♪ 338 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,006 ♪ look ♪ 339 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:22,141 ♪ we all got targets, many they never hit ♪ 340 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:24,277 ♪ few of us bull's-eye, jordon that higher living ♪ 341 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:26,145 ♪ believing that they can fly, "space jam" the mission ♪ 342 00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:28,448 ♪ if the limit was the sky, why am I star-wishing? ♪ 343 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,250 ♪ Trying to shine in the darkness ♪ 344 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,985 ♪ be like a cliff climb with no -- ♪ 345 00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,386 Popo shut us down? 346 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:39,158 Eliza, you cannot have a child at -- 347 00:12:39,158 --> 00:12:41,021 this isn't a wild party. 348 00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:41,327 This isn't a wild party. 349 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:44,564 Nope! But it 'grammed like one, right? 350 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:47,400 It really did. You two really appeared to be having a blast. 351 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,403 Oh, we were... Until you got here. 352 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,139 Okay, deejay pre-k. 353 00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:54,274 But it's almost midnight, 354 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,242 and I'm guessing it's way past your bedtime. 355 00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:59,045 This one goes out to my man. 356 00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:00,980 ♪ Together, one, pa-pa-pa-pa, pa-pa-pa-pa ♪ 357 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,048 Oh, I get it. 358 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,717 You think 'cause I'm Korean I automatically like k-pop. 359 00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,052 ♪ Pa-pa-pa-pa ♪ 360 00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:20,700 ♪ everybody ♪ 361 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:24,003 ♪ one, two, three ♪ 362 00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:26,105 ♪ yeah ♪ 363 00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:28,141 I certainly don't mean to lecture you. 364 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,176 But when you engage in immoral sex, 365 00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:32,345 it's not just an oops upside your head. 366 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,213 It's also an oops upside the head of 367 00:13:34,213 --> 00:13:36,549 our lord and creator, Christ almighty. 368 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,051 Oh, Mitchell, come on. 369 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,053 You were on tour with jodeci. 370 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,021 Which is why I had to repent -- 371 00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,355 which is why I had to repent -- 372 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,023 specifically for providing the leatherwear 373 00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:45,525 in their "freek'n you" video. 374 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,694 When I think about all the fornication I fostered... 375 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:51,364 I can't believe I flat-ironed my mjb for this. 376 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:54,033 Excuse me, Mitchell. I have to check in on my son. 377 00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:55,168 Uh, while you're at it, 378 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,170 could you also check in on the son of god? 379 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,072 He's been waiting to hear from you. 380 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,575 I've never put a child to bed before. 381 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:05,144 I'm sure it'll be fine. 382 00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:08,548 Good night, Kevin. 383 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,983 And to you. 384 00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:11,021 I'm going to turn the light off now. 385 00:14:11,021 --> 00:14:13,286 I'm going to turn the light off now. 386 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,154 I understand. 387 00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:17,190 You do what you got to do. 388 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,192 Mm-hmm. 389 00:14:24,063 --> 00:14:26,065 What was that? 390 00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:27,533 I'm not sure. 391 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,202 Oh, my god, it sounded like Eddie Murphy. 392 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:32,138 Is that him? I-is he choking? 393 00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:34,407 I want my mom! 394 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,408 He wants his mom! What are we gonna do?! 395 00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:36,576 His mom's not here! E-e-eliza! 396 00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,745 We got to remain calm and be of comfort to Kevin. 397 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:41,021 The lights went out, and he's like a totally different person. 398 00:14:41,021 --> 00:14:41,414 The lights went out, and he's like a totally different person. 399 00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,249 Bedtime can be really stressful for kids. 400 00:14:43,249 --> 00:14:46,352 Let's try and soothe him, shall we? Yeah. 401 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:50,523 Kevin, is there something soothing 402 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,392 that your mother does for you at bedtime? 403 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,128 She fills my humidifier... 404 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,264 Humidif-- ...Puts on my air purifier, 405 00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:00,133 turns off my closet light... 406 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,134 You get the closet! Okay. 407 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:02,068 ...turns on my bathroom light, 408 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,036 finds my stuffed lion... Here! 409 00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:05,037 Okay, I got it! I got it! 410 00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,006 ...gives him to me... Rawr! 411 00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:10,676 ...takes away one pillow, adds one extra blanket... 412 00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:11,021 Get the blanket! I got the blanket! 413 00:15:11,021 --> 00:15:12,111 Get the blanket! I got the blanket! 414 00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:14,414 ...sprays three pumps of lavender mist... 415 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,748 Lavender! 416 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:16,983 Yeah. 417 00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:19,051 ...cracks the window and closes the door. 418 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:21,254 You get the door. 419 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:24,624 All right. 420 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:27,293 Then she sings "ease on down the road" 421 00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:28,294 from "the wiz." 422 00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,163 I never saw "the wiz"! 423 00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,635 There, there. 424 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:38,004 don't... Make that noise. 425 00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:40,640 As I watched Henry pat Kevin's afro, 426 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,021 i realized I wasn't going clubbing tonight. 427 00:15:41,021 --> 00:15:43,276 I realized I wasn't going clubbing tonight. 428 00:15:48,147 --> 00:15:49,282 Come on, Kevin. 429 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,452 No super-cool deejays cry for their mommies! 430 00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:57,990 Hello. 431 00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,525 Eliza, is everything okay? 432 00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:03,029 Everything's great. Uh-oh, I hear Eddie Murphy. 433 00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:05,398 Kevin is just a little anxious. Maybe about going to bed. 434 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,033 Well, did you give him his bedtime nuggets? 435 00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:08,334 His what? His bedtime nuggets. 436 00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,436 I told you -- he needs two or three of those 437 00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:12,004 before he can go to sleep. 438 00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,073 His bedtime nuggets, of course. I completely forgot. 439 00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:14,235 Hey, Kevin, would you like some bedtime nuggets? 440 00:16:14,235 --> 00:16:16,075 Hey, Kevin, would you like some bedtime nuggets? 441 00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:18,544 You know what? I would. 442 00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:20,580 Oh! Oh! 443 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,114 Thanks, charmonique. 444 00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:24,116 Somehow, you called at the exact right time 445 00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:25,985 and knew exactly what to do. 446 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,420 You're the best mom ever. 447 00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:32,525 You know what? I am. Hmm. 448 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,027 Everything good? Everything's great. 449 00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:36,596 You know, I don't know if 450 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:39,765 you were trying to make me feel bad about my life choices. 451 00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:42,401 But I'm sorry, father mcmoney -- I don't. 452 00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:44,235 And I'm glad that you found higher love. 453 00:16:44,235 --> 00:16:45,738 And I'm glad that you found higher love. 454 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:48,241 ♪ We made it through the storm ♪ 455 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:53,246 But I have self-love, and that's real love. 456 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,581 So now if you'll excuse me, 457 00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:57,049 they're playing my jam. 458 00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:59,085 ♪ Won't you be my inspiration? ♪ 459 00:16:59,085 --> 00:17:01,454 Sometimes, when the grind window closes, 460 00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,990 the door to enlightenment opens. 461 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:07,093 ♪ Real love ♪ 462 00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:11,097 ♪ I'm searching for a real love ♪ 463 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:13,766 ♪ someone to set my heart free ♪ 464 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:14,235 ♪ real love ♪ 465 00:17:14,235 --> 00:17:15,268 ♪ real love ♪ 466 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,603 ♪ oh, oh ♪ eliza? 467 00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,272 Yes, Kevin? 468 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,374 Did we get a like spike? 469 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,043 We sure did, buddy. We sure did. 470 00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:27,313 You did? 471 00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:29,148 Absolutely not. 472 00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,449 I actually lost followers 473 00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,051 by posting those pics of Kevin. 474 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,052 Brit crushed me. 475 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,720 What up, doolio? 476 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,722 It's your girl fit brit. 477 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:41,060 Check your stats, hon, 'cause I just smoked your ass. 478 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,562 Well, I'm really proud of you. 479 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,196 You did a really good job tonight. 480 00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:44,235 Brit may have killed the instagame, 481 00:17:44,235 --> 00:17:47,033 brit may have killed the instagame, 482 00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:50,002 but I had earned Henry's respect 483 00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:52,038 and kept a small child alive. 484 00:17:55,474 --> 00:17:56,542 Damn. 485 00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:58,210 Is there anything in the world kids love 486 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,079 more than chicken nuggets? 487 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,013 Maybe not. 488 00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:04,650 Hey. Maybe not. 489 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,322 Vita-nuggets -- 490 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,058 chicken nuggets with vitamin-infused breading. 491 00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:14,235 It's their dinner and their daily allowance, all in one! 492 00:18:14,235 --> 00:18:14,327 It's their dinner and their daily allowance, all in one! 493 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,128 Look how excited you are. 494 00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,166 With vita-nuggets, 495 00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:23,302 we move from the pharmacy to the frozen-foods aisle. 496 00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:25,738 What happens if they want seconds? 497 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,540 Which got us thinking. 498 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,375 With vitamins disguising themselves as 499 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:32,178 gum balls and sour worms and Teddy bears 500 00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,347 and even, in theory, chicken nuggets, 501 00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:37,383 how many calls must poison control receive annually 502 00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:42,054 from parents whose children have unintentionally overdosed? 503 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,556 The answer is... 504 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:44,235 An ass-load. 505 00:18:44,235 --> 00:18:45,324 An ass-load. 506 00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:46,993 Eliza, the data, please. 507 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,027 "Eliza, the data, please." 508 00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:52,198 Um an estimated 50,000 calls a year -- 509 00:18:52,198 --> 00:18:54,033 so two ass-loads. 510 00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:56,702 Wow. Two ass-loads. 511 00:18:56,702 --> 00:19:00,072 Sir, there are people in this room who will tell you that 512 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:03,442 our vitamin needs to be cooler, hipper, gummier, 513 00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:05,711 that it needs to pretend to be something it is not. 514 00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:09,181 Like Jessica Simpson when she dated John Mayer. 515 00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:10,149 Who did she think she was kidding? 516 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,417 I know, right? 517 00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:13,753 But I maintain, 518 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:14,235 for this vitamin to be a success, 519 00:19:14,235 --> 00:19:15,721 for this vitamin to be a success, 520 00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:20,726 all it needs to do is keep being a vitamin... 521 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:27,533 ...with a pleasant but not delicious orangey taste. 522 00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:31,037 Mm. No one's eating a bottle of these bad boys. 523 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:35,041 That's what makes them safe. 524 00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:36,742 That's what we tell parents 525 00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:40,680 because what parent doesn't want their child to be safe? 526 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,235 So we take down our competitors by exposing a strength 527 00:19:44,235 --> 00:19:44,684 so we take down our competitors by exposing a strength 528 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,118 which is actually a weakness? 529 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,420 Yes. 530 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,122 It's nothing short of brilliant! 531 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,258 Oh! How about that?! 532 00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:55,094 Our elephant shall ride again! 533 00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:56,062 Come here, you. 534 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,097 Oh, o-okay. 535 00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,433 I could dip you. 536 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:01,767 Oh! Actually, sir, it was eliza's revelation. 537 00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,035 Eliza. 538 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,073 Aah! 539 00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:08,274 That's magnificent work. 540 00:20:08,274 --> 00:20:09,975 Thank you. No, thank you. 541 00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:14,235 You two really are quite the power couple. 542 00:20:14,235 --> 00:20:15,047 You two really are quite the power couple. 543 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,015 Oh, no, sir. We're just -- 544 00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,050 perfect together. You really are. 545 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,586 I mean, can you imagine how exquisite the offspring? 546 00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:23,089 Oh, I imagine they'd be quite ugly, sir. 547 00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:26,058 Red-headed Koreans -- it's not a good look. 548 00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:31,664 Typically. 549 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,068 Okay, so, what is "everyone wang chung tonight" about? 550 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,070 That I don't know, but I can tell you that 551 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,406 "sussudio" is the name of Phil Collins' horse 552 00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,742 and that "yah mo b there" is actually an allegory. 553 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,244 Okay. What is "private dancer" about? 554 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,579 I think that one's pretty self-explanatory. 555 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,080 Oh, Henry, can I talk to you for a sec? 556 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,049 What's up? 557 00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:52,351 Well, you know how I did exactly what you instructed me to do, 558 00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:54,620 and I spent the whole weekend helping others, including you? Yes. 559 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,021 And you know how you were 560 00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:57,389 supposed to have fun and not work, 561 00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:59,258 but you did the opposite, so you lose and I win? Okay. 562 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,026 I was thinking that maybe I should get some kind of reward. 563 00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:02,523 Reward? What did you have in mind? 564 00:21:02,523 --> 00:21:02,661 Reward? What did you have in mind? 565 00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:04,263 $60,000. 566 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,600 I accidentally left charmonique's wig closet open. 567 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,235 I have bad news for you, eliza. 568 00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,403 I actually had fun this weekend. 569 00:21:11,403 --> 00:21:13,439 You did not! I had a freaking blast. 570 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,608 No! No! You're a liar! 571 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:18,577 Fine, then just $30,000, made out to charmonique! 572 00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:21,113 Henry! 40334

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