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1
00:00:03,270 --> 00:00:06,306
♪ Show me the meaning
of being lonely ♪
when I was younger,i didn't have a lot of friends.
2
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:12,379
It's not that kids injunior high didn't notice me.
3
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:13,714
They did.
4
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:16,683
Being butt-ugly wasn't whati wanted to be noticed for.
5
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,218
So I took a lesson
6
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,420
from the most popular girlin 7th grade.
7
00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,990
It took me 14 yearsto perfect it,
8
00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:26,426
but now I was insta-famous.
9
00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:28,495
I had 263,000 friends,
10
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:30,000
followers,and insta-quaintances.
11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,231
Followers,and insta-quaintances.
12
00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:34,234
Not to mention the loveand respect of my co-workers,
13
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:35,536
who were still stuck in coach.
14
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,337
Got the upgrade, ladies.
15
00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:38,572
don't be jelly, linda.
16
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,742
Is that one of ours?
17
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,510
Eliza dooley,
18
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,512
our company's best-performing
sales rep? Yeah.
19
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:48,615
She's our best sales rep?
That can't be true.
20
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:52,119
That's the magic of the
miniskirt -- no one's immune,
21
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:54,254
including Miller from legal,
who happens to be --
22
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:55,255
married, isn't he?
23
00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:57,024
She hasn't picked up
on that yet.
24
00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:58,158
She's been
a little too busy
25
00:00:58,158 --> 00:01:00,000
making sure her lipstick
matches her thong.
26
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:00,193
Making sure her lipstick
matches her thong.
27
00:01:00,193 --> 00:01:02,763
How do you know so much about
her lipstick and her thong?
28
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:04,698
I follow her
on instagram.
29
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,133
Very classy.
30
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,968
What is this,
her breakfast?
31
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:11,004
Why does her generation feel
compelled to tweet every item
that goes into their mouths,
32
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,506
including Miller
from marketing's --
33
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,108
warm nuts?
Thanks.
34
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:22,215
Thought you could escape me
in first class?
35
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,152
Eliza, wait.
36
00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:27,187
Look, I know
it's intimidating
37
00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:29,556
to fall for a girl
with a strong pelvic floor
38
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:30,000
and an advertising presence
on her Facebook page --
39
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,292
and an advertising presence
on her Facebook page --
40
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:33,594
no, no.
It's not that.
41
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,495
Then what?
42
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:37,631
Devices off.
Seat belts buckled.
43
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:46,473
He was...Married?
44
00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:51,144
And I just neededto gif my way through that.
45
00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:54,548
Nausea, dizziness,a legit case of ham tongue.
46
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:57,117
It was either the turbulenceor grinder's remorse
47
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,385
or a rare combinationof the --
48
00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:02,756
oh, wow.
49
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:06,293
That was, uh...
50
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,362
Are you okay?
51
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,998
Can you please
move your nuts?
52
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:12,099
Yep.
53
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:18,305
Married.
54
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,107
You're married.
55
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,745
Why does this crap
always happen to --
56
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,649
so, hey,
maybe you should...
57
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,000
Head to the bathroom now.
58
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:30,550
Head to the bathroom now.
59
00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:33,353
I think they've got a toilet
in there.
60
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:47,200
♪ One is the loneliest number
that you'll ever do ♪
61
00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:52,305
♪ two can be as bad as one ♪
62
00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:57,511
♪ it's the loneliest number
since the number one ♪
63
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,984
I couldn't tellwhat sucked more --
64
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,318
being drenched in panic pudding
65
00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:07,521
at a cruising altitudeof 36,000 feet
66
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,357
or how many people likedseeing me that way.
67
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,161
Everything okay
in there?
68
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,631
Not really.
69
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,499
My new boyfriend
is someone else's husband.
70
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:21,501
I barfed
all over my Louboutins.
71
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,236
The plane is full
of my co-workers.
72
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:26,173
And now I'm stranded in here,
naked and afraid.
73
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,108
Oh.
74
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:30,000
Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need
you to vacate the lav.
75
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,678
Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need
you to vacate the lav.
76
00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:33,180
Okay.
I'll vacate your lav,
77
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:36,149
but can you at least grab me
an extra stewardess outfit?
78
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,018
Ma'am, this is
not a department store.
79
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,486
There are
no extra outfits.
80
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:45,392
Carol-June,
straight up, now, tell me --
81
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,327
what would you do
if you were me?
82
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,735
It's amazing what you can do
83
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:58,171
with three in-flight blanketstied sarong-style.
84
00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:00,000
♪ If you come around here,
I make 'em all day ♪
85
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,641
♪ if you come around here,
I make 'em all day ♪
86
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:04,044
♪ bona fide hustler
making my name ♪
87
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:06,146
I'd spent years laughing
88
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,982
...at stupid idiotson the Internet.
89
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:12,719
And now thatstupid idiot was me.
90
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:14,521
♪ And take your money ♪
91
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:17,224
Hold the elevator! Hold!
92
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:24,064
Even if you are
in a passionless marriage,
93
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:26,233
it doesn't mean
adultery is okay.
94
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:27,400
Okay, you knowwhat I wasn't in the mood for?
95
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,603
A lecture from myhipster-crite neighbor bryn.
96
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,000
She's the worst --
97
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,238
she's the worst --
98
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,106
with her nail artand her chevron stripes
99
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,741
and her non-prescriptionprescription glasses
100
00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:36,343
and her bffs who love to diy
101
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:38,278
and their top knotsand Peter Pan collars
102
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,513
and cross body bags.
103
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,148
It's weird.
104
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,450
She defines herself
by her sexuality,
105
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,718
but I actually think
106
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,286
it's the least interesting thing
about her.
107
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,321
Okay, first of all,
I had no idea he was married
108
00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,190
when we engaged
in gland-to-gland combat,
109
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,992
and second of all,
110
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:55,095
I get super horny
when I travel,
111
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,130
and that's not my fault --
that's science.
112
00:04:58,198 --> 00:04:59,533
Um...
113
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,000
We weren't talking
about you.
114
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,568
We weren't talking
about you.
115
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,372
We were discussing
"fear of flying."
116
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:08,208
By Erica jong.
117
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,409
We're a book club.
118
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,145
I know that.
119
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,382
How stupid
do you think I am?
120
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,286
I tried sending an s.O. Textto my own friends
121
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,155
to see if anyonewould bring me a ginger ale...
122
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,157
♪ When I was a child ♪
...But no luck.
123
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,759
♪ Everybody smiled ♪
124
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,727
Is there a market close to me
that delivers?
125
00:05:27,727 --> 00:05:29,196
♪ Nobody knows me at all ♪
126
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:30,000
I found five markets.
127
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,697
I found five markets.
128
00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,666
♪ Very late at night ♪
two of themare fairly close to you.
129
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,968
♪ And in the morning light ♪
130
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,436
♪ nobody knows me at all ♪
131
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,505
When siri is the onlyperson who's there for you...
132
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,273
♪ And, oh ♪
...It kind of makes you realize
133
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,309
being friended is not the samething as having friends.
134
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:45,212
♪ When the lights are low ♪
135
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,581
♪ nobody knows me at all ♪
136
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,053
The next morning,i was praying the whole company
137
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,654
had forgotten aboutmy epic fail.
138
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:58,091
Or, at the very least,was willing to make likeElsa and "let it go."
139
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,535
All right, everybody,
settle down.
140
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,136
Bring it home, everybody.
141
00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:11,338
Beautiful. Good.
142
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,974
Now, as you all know,
this company took a major hit
143
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,675
when our best-selling
pediatric nasal spray
144
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:18,545
was pulled from the shelves for
causing satanic hallucinations.
145
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:18,849
Ah, allegedly.
146
00:06:18,849 --> 00:06:19,646
Ah, allegedly.
147
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,314
"Allegedly" is right.
148
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:24,584
Nonetheless, the product
was recalled and reformulated.
149
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:28,421
But whether or not we could
regain the market's trust was...
150
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:29,723
Tbd.
151
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,059
But now, thanks to one man,
152
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,095
it's a big, fat "d"!
153
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:38,098
Henry, you loon, get up here!
Come on, Henry!
154
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,100
Come on.
Yeah!
155
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,301
We love this guy.
156
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,669
don't worry --
I'm not gonna make out with you.
157
00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:44,471
I'm not gonna make out.
158
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:46,506
I lied about that.
159
00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:48,849
Mmm!
160
00:06:48,849 --> 00:06:49,676
Mmm!
161
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:51,678
You know,
I read an article
162
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,179
that said Asian men
are more comfortable
163
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:56,283
kissing on the mouth
as a sign of friendship.
164
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,318
They're not, no.
Mm.
165
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:00,553
All right,
well, I'll forward it to you.
166
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:02,489
Thank you.
It's good.
167
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:05,458
Folks, this man
did the impossible.
168
00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:06,993
He took a product
169
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:09,296
whose reputation
had been badly tarnished
170
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,164
and rebranded it
171
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:17,437
as a product that consumers
could once again love and trust.
172
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,849
Okay, if that dude in the vestcould remarket our nasal spray,
173
00:07:18,849 --> 00:07:20,040
okay, if that dude in the vestcould remarket our nasal spray,
174
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,275
he coulddefinitely remarket me.
175
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,476
Take a moment.
176
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:28,081
You're, uh, coming
to my daughter's wedding
this weekend, right?
177
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,549
Oh, I wouldn't miss it
for the world, sir.
178
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:32,152
Good. Good.
179
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,219
Bring a date.
180
00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:35,455
You're always alone.
It's kind of weird.
181
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,558
I wouldn't call it weird.
It is. It is.
182
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,461
What are you doing
in my office?
183
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,463
I'm eliza, I work in sales,
184
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,699
and it recently came
to my attention that
I have poor instincts,
185
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,334
a weak stomach,
no real friends, and --
186
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,468
loose sexual morals?
187
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:48,849
Have we met?
188
00:07:48,849 --> 00:07:49,569
Have we met?
189
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,541
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
190
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:57,677
I'm afraid I'm not leaving
until you say you'll help me.
191
00:07:57,677 --> 00:08:00,413
But you can't be helped.
192
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:03,550
You are addicted
to the instant gratification
193
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:06,186
of unearned adulation from
a group of perfect strangers
194
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:09,255
you insist on referring to
as your "friends."
195
00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:11,758
Our nasal spray
caused satanic hallucinations,
196
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,159
and you fixed that.
197
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,462
Come on.
I just want to change my image.
198
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:18,031
You mean be
a better person?
Or that.
199
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:18,849
Look, I'm not trying
to, like, tug at your
heartstrings or whatever,
200
00:08:18,849 --> 00:08:21,101
look, I'm not trying
to, like, tug at your
heartstrings or whatever,
201
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,136
but I threw up
really hard.
202
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:26,473
And I don't know if
you have ever thrown up
that hard -- #thestruggle --
203
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,475
but it
really makes you think.
204
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:29,409
Makes you think what?
205
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,344
I'm genuinely dying to know.
206
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:35,281
When I was sick, not one person
called to see if I was okay,
207
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:37,150
and I don't know why.
208
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:40,086
People used to hate me
because I was butt.
209
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,022
But I'm not butt anymore.
210
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:45,125
Look, eliza,
I'm sure you're aware
211
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,293
it is possible
to be beautiful on the outside
212
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:48,849
and still...Butt
on the inside.
213
00:08:48,849 --> 00:08:50,130
And still...Butt
on the inside.
214
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,631
Like Gwyneth Paltrow.
215
00:08:51,631 --> 00:08:53,033
Okay, you need to go.
216
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,334
No.
217
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,435
Come on, please.
218
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:58,238
Look, I know.
I know you don't like me.
219
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:01,408
But if you don't like me,
then just change me.
220
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,243
Just change me.
221
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,678
Please.
222
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:09,015
I don't like you.
223
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:10,517
But I can change you.
224
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:12,752
I could change
your packaging...
225
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:14,587
Alter your formula.
226
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:17,323
If I just soften your palette
and improve your taste,
227
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:18,849
I could transform you
from a vapid,
228
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,460
I could transform you
from a vapid,
229
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:24,297
uh, despised
social-media-obsessed narcissist
230
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:27,567
into a valued and respected
woman of stature.
231
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,441
Like linda.
Like linda.
232
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:38,344
Only prettier.
233
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:40,046
The next day,we got right to work.
234
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:41,414
I'll need
your implicit trust.
235
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,550
That means you do anything
and everything I say,
236
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,018
even if it seems
unorthodox.
237
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,252
Totally,
just no backdoor stuff.
238
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,654
Okay, that -- that's --
come here.
239
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:48,849
That's another thing --
you mustn't misinterpret
240
00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:49,756
that's another thing --
you mustn't misinterpret
241
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,991
my professional interest
as romantic interest
242
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:53,193
because, I assure you,
there isn't any.
243
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,694
Oh, got it. Got it.
We're just friends.
244
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:56,162
We're not --
we're not friends.
245
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:57,664
And it's important to me
that you acknowledge that.
246
00:09:57,664 --> 00:09:59,766
Fine. We're not friends,
and you're a gay dude.
247
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,335
I'm --
I am not a gay dude.
248
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,972
Just go about your day
as you normally would.
249
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,509
Good morning.
How are you?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
250
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:13,046
That bald dude from
the 12th floor took total
fart blanche in the elevator,
251
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,982
so if you catch a whiff
of something, it's residual
him -- not me. Lol.
252
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:18,284
May I point
something out?
253
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:18,849
Yeah.
254
00:10:18,849 --> 00:10:19,285
Yeah.
255
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,088
Every day, you greet eliza,
do you not?
256
00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:23,990
I sure do.
I check in with everybody.
257
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:26,292
And in the entire time
that you've worked here,
258
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,361
has eliza ever once asked
how you are doing?
259
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:34,300
You know the first thing
about this woman?
260
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:36,970
Do you, uh...
261
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,272
Do you even know
her name?
262
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:43,009
Charmonique.
263
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,144
What?
264
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,211
Charmonique.
265
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,112
Ch-- ch--
266
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:47,547
charmon--
charmonique.
267
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:48,615
Charmonique.
268
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:48,849
Like "Monique,"
but with a "char."
269
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,084
Like "Monique,"
but with a "char."
270
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:55,188
Okay, but, in my defense,
that's not a real name.
271
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,623
Hmm?!
Lesson number one --
272
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:59,092
each and every morning as you
pass by charmonique's desk,
273
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,693
I want you to ask
how she's doing.
274
00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:02,162
Donezo.
Let's start now.
275
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,630
Okay.
276
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:06,499
Open your lips and repeat
after me -- "how are you?"
277
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,070
How are you?
278
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,473
How are you?
279
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:16,209
Go-o-o-od.
280
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:18,849
Then, if you will,
a follow-up question --
281
00:11:18,849 --> 00:11:20,413
then, if you will,
a follow-up question --
282
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,382
for example,
"how'd you sleep last night?"
283
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,318
You know what?
Not great.
284
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,554
But that's because I had
my 9-year-old in bed with me.
285
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:30,323
Did you hear that?
Put the phone down.
Off your phone.
286
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,659
Apparently, charmonique
and her son didn't
sleep well last night.
287
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:36,196
Now it's your turn to say
something sympathetic.
288
00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:41,367
I'm really glad
I don't have kids.
289
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,441
You're not slurping.
290
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,009
We're making
pleasant conversation.
291
00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:53,413
We are not...
On our phones.
292
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:56,082
We are looking into
each other's eyes
293
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:59,419
and giving one another
our undivided attention.
294
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:00,553
Good.
295
00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,189
I'd like you to answer
these questions
296
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:05,491
as honestly
as you possibly can.
297
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:09,362
"The thing I'm most soothed by
in life is..."
298
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,431
The sound of gentle rain
against windows
299
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,534
or medium rain against rooftop
with overspill from gutters.
300
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:18,071
I have a rain app
on my phone.
301
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,372
That's pathetic.
Please delete it.
302
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,640
It's free.
303
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,142
"The thing
I'm most confused by is..."
304
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:25,745
Plus-size skinny jeans.
305
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,680
It's like, why?
306
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:31,084
Okay.
Class dismissed.
307
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:34,220
Uh, wait.
308
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,123
Wait.
I almost forgot.
309
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:38,725
I'm giving you
an assignment.
310
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,526
Ooh!
311
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:43,730
Sam saperstein's daughter
is getting married,
312
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,621
and I'd like you to attend
the event with me.
313
00:12:44,621 --> 00:12:46,132
And I'd like you to attend
the event with me.
314
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,401
Write this down.
315
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,304
Okay.
316
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,542
Makeup should be light,
your dress less tight.
317
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:59,045
Hair should be tame,
your face softly framed.
318
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,214
No 6-inch heels,
no cleavage revealed.
319
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:04,017
Nothing coarse,
nothing sleazy,
320
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,718
and bring a wrap
in case it's breezy.
321
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,390
With my credit cards maxedand my own clothes too slutty,
322
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:13,192
i had no choice other thanto ask a friend for help.
323
00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:14,621
But all the girls I knewwere either drunk or atsoulcycle, which left...
324
00:13:14,621 --> 00:13:15,595
But all the girls I knewwere either drunk or atsoulcycle, which left...
325
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,597
Hold the elevator!
326
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:22,135
...bryn.
327
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,006
Bryn,
I am so screwed.
328
00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:28,408
I have
this work wedding,
329
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,743
and I don't have
anything appropriate to wear.
330
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,245
And if you help me,
331
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:35,315
I swear will never anonymously
complain to management
332
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,582
about your book club
again.
333
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:39,485
I knew that was you!
334
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:44,621
You are lucky "make-unders"
are my everything.
335
00:13:44,621 --> 00:13:48,494
You are lucky "make-unders"
are my everything.
336
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,167
Hi!
337
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,002
Hi!
338
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:59,272
Come in. Come in.
339
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:00,606
How about
the peach one?
340
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:02,041
- Ooh!
- Oh.
341
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,576
Oh, yeah,
I love the peach one,
342
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,244
but it might be small
in the bust.
343
00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:07,714
Oh, because of these?
Oh, no, these aren't real.
344
00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,551
Still,
it might be tight in the rear.
345
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:14,587
Oh, because of this?
Oh, no, this isn't real.
346
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,491
Okay. We might be
in business now.
347
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,693
Take a seat.
348
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,563
Were you planning on doing
your own hair and makeup?
349
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,631
Because I don't think
that's a good idea.
350
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:28,701
As wren cleaned outthe litter box of my catwho died six months ago
351
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,537
and eyelet dumped my oldlo mein into the trash,
352
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:36,175
i had to wonder -- is this whatfriends do for each other?
353
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,479
♪ Rah, rah,
rah-ah-ah ♪
354
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,282
♪ roma roma ma ♪
355
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,154
♪ ga-ga-ooh-la-la ♪
356
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,423
♪ want
your bad romance ♪
357
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:53,292
♪ I want your love,
and I want your revenge ♪
358
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:57,096
♪ you and me could write
a bad romance ♪
359
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:59,132
♪ whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh,
I want your love
360
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,134
♪ and all your lover's revenge ♪
these girls really knewhow to get ready.
361
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:04,537
♪ You and me could write
a bad romance ♪
362
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,440
♪ oh, whoa-oh, oh-oh ♪
363
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,742
♪ oh ♪
364
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:17,417
Hi.
365
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,352
Hi.
366
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:22,221
Wow.
You are...
367
00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:27,160
...wearing an enormous amount
of fragrance.
368
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,661
Can't you say anything
nice?
369
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,730
Well, had you employed
a lighter touch --
370
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,299
never mind. Let me just grab
the tiniest purse known to man,
371
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:34,333
and then we can go.
372
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,102
Whoa.
373
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,671
You don't even want to know
where I had to stash my phone.
374
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:41,407
No phones.
No -- no -- no wedding selfies.
375
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:44,110
Today's about focusing
on a beauty other than your own.
376
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:48,281
Is there something funny?
377
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,249
You just called me
beautiful.
378
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:53,052
I absolutely didn't.
You indirectly did.
379
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:56,222
Henry, who is this
beautiful girl on your arm?
380
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:59,625
Sir, this is eliza dooley.
She works in sales.
381
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,394
Eliza dooley.
382
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:05,431
Wow. Uh, eliza, you --
you, uh...You look amazing.
383
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:06,632
Right?
384
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:08,000
"Thank you."
Thank you.
385
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,735
"How are you?"
How are you?
386
00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:11,537
Good!
Good!
387
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,621
And now,
in lieu of vows,
388
00:16:14,621 --> 00:16:16,175
and now,
in lieu of vows,
389
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:19,712
Maureen will recite a poem
she wrote for Terrance.
390
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:25,251
If I'm the fire,
you're the spark.
391
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:28,421
If I'm the nest,
you're my lark.
392
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:32,258
If I'm the lock,
you're the key.
393
00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:35,995
If I am hook, you are smee.
394
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,431
Did she say "smee"?
Yes, I believe so.
395
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,033
If I'm the eye,
you're the tear.
396
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:44,203
If I am bagel,
you're my schmear.
397
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:44,621
If I'm the dark,
you're the light.
398
00:16:44,621 --> 00:16:47,039
If I'm the dark,
you're the light.
399
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:50,476
As I listened to Maureen recitethose crazy vows, it hit me --
400
00:16:50,476 --> 00:16:53,446
i might get thousands of likesand retweets and favorites,
401
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,983
but it's entirely possible thatno one will ever look at me
402
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,985
the way Terrancewas looking at her.
403
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:02,021
♪ And I'd give up forever
to touch you ♪
404
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:05,424
♪ 'cause I know
that you feel me somehow ♪
405
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:08,160
So I did what I guess I'vealways done when I needed...
406
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,030
♪ You're the closest to heaven
that I'll ever be ♪
...To distract myselffrom my feelings.
407
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,166
Do you, Terrance,
take Maureen
408
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:14,621
to be your lawful wedded wife,
to have and to ho--
409
00:17:14,621 --> 00:17:17,637
to be your lawful wedded wife,
to have and to ho--
410
00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:24,677
sorry.
411
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:27,213
S--
thought it was on s-silent.
412
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,423
I'm not used to
paying attention
413
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:39,358
to super-boring
long stuff, okay?
414
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,127
No, it's not okay.
415
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:42,662
It's not just yourself
you embarrassed.
416
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,621
I specifically said
no phones.
Okay, okay!
417
00:17:44,621 --> 00:17:44,630
I specifically said
no phones.
Okay, okay!
418
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,432
God. Haven't you ever made
a mistake before?!
419
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:49,201
Yeah, I have --
when I agreed to help you.
Oh, really?
420
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,037
Are you helping me,
or am i helping you?
421
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:53,139
don't think I didn't
notice you didn't have
a date for this event.
422
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:56,409
And literally anyone else
in the world would have
been a better choice.
423
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,011
So you admit it. Ah.
I --
424
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,013
and it's no surprise
you don't have a date,
425
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:03,316
because you
are an unfun man.
426
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,053
"Unfun" is not a word.
427
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:08,554
And according to your
ex-girlfriend's blog,
428
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:11,190
that's why she broke up
with you, so...
My ex-girlfriend?
429
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:13,526
Did you Google me?
don't you dare Google me!
430
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:14,621
I was just confirming
what I already know --
431
00:18:14,621 --> 00:18:16,195
I was just confirming
what I already know --
432
00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:18,764
you're a holier-than-thou,
judgmental,
433
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,467
hypercritical
workaholic...
434
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,703
Coxcomb!
435
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,005
Oh, I'm a coxcomb?
436
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:28,407
Well, you, my dear,
are a lost cause.
437
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:32,345
You're super mean!
438
00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:42,755
The next day, I decidedi was done socializing
439
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,290
and back to social networking.
440
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:48,561
You need to get off
that phone, girl.
441
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,229
You charmonique's kid?
442
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,032
You gonna let her
get some sleep tonight?
443
00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:54,300
No.
444
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,434
No?
445
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:56,602
Why not?
446
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:59,071
Okay, hold up.
447
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,007
Did I just catch you
showing interest
448
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,541
in somebody
other than yourself?
449
00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:04,443
I think you did.
450
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:05,745
Mm-hmm.
451
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,242
Well, whatever you're doing
with Mr. man, it's working.
452
00:19:08,242 --> 00:19:08,981
Well, whatever you're doing
with Mr. man, it's working.
453
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:14,020
♪ I got chills ♪
454
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,355
♪ they're multiplyin' ♪
Henry!
455
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:18,591
Hey! Henry!
456
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:22,561
♪ And I'm losing control ♪
Henry! I can see you.
457
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:24,296
You live
in a glass house.
458
00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:27,199
♪ 'Cause the power
you're supplyin' ♪
459
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:29,135
Henry?
460
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:31,070
♪ It's electrifyin' ♪
461
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,005
I'm not a lost cause.
462
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,573
What you're doing with me,
it is working.
463
00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:35,574
I swear.
464
00:19:35,574 --> 00:19:37,043
Congratulations.
465
00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:41,614
I need you.
Please don't give up on me.
466
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,349
There's so much work
left to do.
467
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:46,452
I mean...
468
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:51,223
All my friends' names
start with "at" symbols.
469
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:54,026
I get all my news
from buzzfeed.
470
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,728
I have
a negative uber rating,
471
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:58,397
and I have never, ever
shown up for jury duty.
472
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,110
I rarely call my mother.
473
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:14,613
I wasn't on my phone
because I was bored.
474
00:20:14,613 --> 00:20:17,450
That wedding
gave me feels.
475
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:18,617
"Feels."
476
00:20:18,617 --> 00:20:20,252
And that scared me,
477
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:23,422
and then I lashed out
and I called you a coxcomb,
478
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,658
which was probably
an incorrect use of the word.
479
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,259
No.
I looked it up.
480
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,495
It's archaic,
but it's dead on.
481
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,165
Okay.
482
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:35,634
Sounded a little bit
like an apology.
483
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:38,242
And I totally
forgive you.
484
00:20:38,242 --> 00:20:39,672
And I totally
forgive you.
485
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,607
And...
486
00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,576
I'm sorry, too.
487
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:48,013
Very good.
488
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:50,983
Look.
489
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:52,284
It's medium rainfall
on roof
490
00:20:52,284 --> 00:20:54,086
with gentle overspill
from gutters --
491
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,521
it's your favorite.
492
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:00,493
Eliza, don't.
493
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:02,027
You think
that you're getting it,
494
00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:04,230
but you're, in fact,
missing it.
495
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:08,242
Yeah? So you're gonna show me
how to get it?
496
00:21:08,242 --> 00:21:10,102
Yeah? So you're gonna show me
how to get it?
497
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,671
No. No, sir.
Not when you say it like that.
498
00:21:12,671 --> 00:21:14,340
What?
Why do you have to
make it so lurid?
499
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:16,275
I didn't.
You did.
500
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,144
I did not.
That's another thing
we have to work on.
501
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:20,312
You shouldn't feel compelled
to make everything so sexual.
502
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,281
And you shouldn't be
so uptight.
503
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,215
I'm not uptight.
504
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:24,216
I'm formal.
There's a difference.
36159
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