All language subtitles for Selfie.S01E01 - [Pilot] (original broadcast)

- Sync: caioalbanezi -
- Corrections: brayanatsix -

- www.addic7ed.com -

♪ Let me take a selfie ♪

[camera shutter clicking]
The funny thing is,

people used to call me butt-ugly.

In my 7th-grade yearbook,

I was literally voted "most butt."

So I took a lesson from Corynn McWatters,

I blew out my curls and pushed up the girls,

corrected my vision, stepped up my nutrition,

traded likes for likes,

and before long, I was insta-famous.

I have 263,000 friends, followers...

And insta-quaintances.

Not to mention the love and respect of my co-workers,

who happen to be on board.

Got the upgrade, ladies.

Don't be jelly, Linda.

Is that one of ours?

Eliza Dooley,

- our company's best-performing sales rep?
- Yeah.

She's our best sales rep?
That can't be true.

That's the magic of the miniskirt...
no one's immune,

including Miller from legal,
who happens to be...

Married, isn't he?

She hasn't picked up on that yet.

She's been a little too busy making
sure her lipstick matches her thong.

How do you know so much about
her lipstick and her thong?

I follow her on instagram.

Very classy.

What is this, her breakfast?

See, this is exactly what I can't stand.

Social media is this...
is this giant fingernail

scratching this woman's
itch for constant attention.

Giant fingernail.

"Oh, look at me. Something
good happened. #blessed."

"Oh, look at me. Something
bad happened. #stillblessed."

"I'm at the gym. #gymflow."

"I'm at work. #workflow."

"Oh, I'm standing near a baby.
#babyflow, #circleoflife, #blessed."

Your volume is really high right now.

Why does her generation
feel compelled to tweet

every item that goes
into their mouths,

including Miller from marketing's...

- Warm nuts?
- Thanks.

Thought you could escape me in first class?

Eliza, wait.

Look, I know it's intimidating

to fall for a girl with
a strong pelvic floor

and an advertising presence
on her Facebook page...

No, no. It's not that.

Then what?

Devices off. Seat belts buckled.

[Seat belt clicks]

[Breathes sharply]

He was... married?

And I just needed to gif
my way through that.

Nausea, dizziness, a legit
case of ham tongue.

It was either the turbulence
or grinder's remorse

or a rare combination of the...

[Vomits, coughs]

Oh, wow.

That was, uh...

Are you okay?

Can you please move your nuts?

Yep.

[Sniffles]

Married. [Chuckles]

You're married.

[Breathes sharply]

Why does this crap always happen to...

[Vomits, coughs]

So, hey, maybe you should...

Head to the bathroom now.

I think they've got a toilet in there.

[Intro to "one" plays]

♪ One is the loneliest number
that you'll ever do ♪

♪ Two can be as bad as one ♪

♪ It's the loneliest number
since the number one ♪

[all groaning]

I couldn't tell what sucked more...

Being drenched in panic pudding
at a cruising altitude of 36,000 feet

or how many people
liked seeing me that way.

Everything okay in there?

[Breathing rapidly]

Not really.

My new boyfriend is someone else's husband.

I barfed all over my Louboutins.

The plane is full of my co-workers.

And now I'm stranded in
here, naked and afraid.

[Alert dings] Oh.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna
need you to vacate the lav.

Okay. I'll vacate your lav,

but can you at least grab me
an extra stewardess outfit?

I probably wouldn't do the little lady tie,

but the skirt, yes, and
the button-down, certainly.

And [Sniffles] why not?
Sure... the vest.

Ma'am, this is not a department store.

There are no extra outfits.

Carol-June, straight up, now, tell me...

What would you do if you were me?

I'd keep doing what you're doing.

I mean, is this cardio barre or pilates?

- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.

But what if you didn't
want to show this off?

It's amazing what you can do

with three in-flight
blankets tied sarong-style.

* I fly like paper, get high like planes *

* If you catch me at the border, *
* I got visas in my name *

♪ if you come around here ♪
[Laughter]

I'd spent years laughing...
At stupid idiots on the Internet.

And now that stupid idiot was me.

Hold the elevator! Hold!

Even if you are in a passionless marriage,

it doesn't mean adultery is okay.

Okay, you know what I
wasn't in the mood for?

A lecture from my
hipster-crite neighbor bryn.

She's the worst...

With her nail art and her chevron stripes

and her non-prescription
prescription glasses

and her bffs who love to diy

and their top knots and Peter Pan collars

and cross body bags.

It's weird.

She defines herself by her sexuality,

but I actually think

it's the least interesting thing about her.

Okay, first of all, I had
no idea he was married

when we engaged in
gland-to-gland combat,

and second of all,

I get super horny when I travel,

and that's not my fault... that's science.

Um...

We weren't talking about you.

We were discussing "fear of flying."

By Erica Jong.
We're a book club.

[Chuckles] I know that.

[Chuckles] How stupid do you think I am?

I tried sending an S.O.
Text to my own friends

to see if anyone would
bring me a ginger ale...

But no luck.
[Siri beeps]

Is there a market close
to me that delivers?

[siri beeps]
Siri: I found five markets.

Two of them are fairly close to you.

When Siri is the only person
who's there for you...

It kind of makes you realize

being friended is not the same
thing as having friends.

- So, any plans for the weekend?
- No.

So, no girlfriend.

I'm just trying to determine

if it's your utter lack
of personal connections

that makes you...
so good at your job.

I find it rather easy not
to form personal connections

in a city that only
values wireless connection.

[Mid-tempo muzak plays]

[Elevator bell dings]

- Mm. Good morning. How are you?
- Yes?

- Good morning. How are you?
- I was dreading going into work.

- Good morning. How are you?
- Hi.

So I waited until the coast was clear,

like Katy Perry's skin on proactiv.

Oh. I missed one.

Good morning, and how are you?

- Did you hear?
- No.

B.F. B.S... Got played like
"flappy bird". Mortified.com.

Then hurled, overslept,
O.D.'D on the bean,

contracted legit hamster
breath. [Smacking lips] Ugh.

And now I'm hella-late
for the staff meeting.

Okay. Well, have a nice day.

I was praying the whole company
had forgotten about my epic fail...

Or, at the very least, was willing
to make like Elsa and "let it go."

[Muffled laughter]

[Laughter]

All right, everybody, settle down.

Bring it home, everybody.

- [Laughter stops]
- Beautiful. Good.

Now, as you all know, this
company took a Major hit

when our best-selling
pediatric nasal spray

was pulled from the shelves
for causing satanic hallucinations.

Ah, allegedly.

"Allegedly" is right.

Nonetheless, the product was
recalled and reformulated.

But whether or not we could
regain the market's trust was...

Tbd.

But now, thanks to one man,

it's a big, fat "d"!

Henry, you loon, get
up here! Come on, Henry!

Come on. Yeah!

- [Cheers and applause]
- We love this guy.

Don't worry... I'm not
gonna make out with you.

I'm not gonna make out.

I lied about that.

Mmm!

You know, I read an article

that said Asian men are more comfortable

kissing on the mouth
as a sign of friendship.

They're not, no. Mm.

All right, well, I'll forward it to you.

Thank you. It's good.

Folks, this man did the impossible.

He took a product whose reputation
had been badly tarnished

and rebranded it as a product that
consumers could once again love and trust.

Okay, if that dude in the vest
could remarket our nasal spray,

he could definitely remarket me.

And I love and trust you. Mm.

I love and trust you, too, sir.

Yeah. Yeah.

Take a moment.

- [Indistinct conversations]
- [Clears throat]

You're, uh, coming to my daughter's
wedding this weekend, right?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.

- Good. Good.
- [Chuckles]

Bring a date.

You're always alone. It's kind of weird.

- I wouldn't call it weird.
- It is. It is.

[Door opens]

What are you doing in my office?

I'm Eliza, I work in sales,

and it recently came to my
attention that I have poor instincts,

a weak stomach, no real friends, and...

Loose sexual morals?

Have we met?

If they make you EVP, I'm gonna murd...

Oh, sorry. I see you have company.

She was just leaving.

No, I wasn't.

I'm not leaving until
you say you'll help me.

But you can't be helped. [Chuckles]

You are addicted to the
instant gratification

of unearned adulation from
a group of perfect strangers

you insist on referring to
as your "friends."

[Sighs] Our nasal spray caused
satanic hallucinations,

and you fixed that.

Come on. I just want to change my image.

- You mean be a better person?
- Or that.

Look, I'm not trying to, like, tug
at your heartstrings or whatever,

but I threw up really hard.

Like, my abs still hurt
from throwing up that hard.

And I don't know if either of you have
ever thrown up that hard... #thestruggle.

But it really makes you think.

Makes you think what?

[Chuckling] I'm genuinely dying to know.

When I was sick, not one person
called to see if I was okay,

and I don't know why.

People used to hate me because I was butt.

Butt-ugly... aesthetically challenged.

But I'm not butt anymore.

Eliza, I'm sure you're aware

it is possible to be
beautiful on the outside

and still... butt on the inside.

Like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Okay, you need to go.

What? No.

No, please.

Look, I know. I know you don't like me.

But if you don't like me,
then just change me.

Just change me.

I don't like you.

But I can change you.

Okay, please tell me you're
not actually considering this.

If we change your packaging...

Her "packaging"?

Alter her formula.

- She's not a pharmaceutical product.
- Shh!

And yet, the same principles apply.

If we just... if we soften her palette,

improve her... taste, expand her market,

I can transform this... vapid...

Uh, despised social-media-obsessed
narcissist

into a valued and
respected woman of stature.

[Knock on door]

Like Linda. Like Linda.

Only prettier.

The next day, we got right to work.

I'll need your implicit trust.

That means you do anything
and everything I say,

even if it seems unorthodox.

Totally, just no backdoor stuff.

Okay, that... that's... come here.

That's another thing...
you mustn't misinterpret

my professional interest
as romantic interest

because, I assure you,
there isn't any.

Oh, got it. Got it. We're just friends.

We're not... we're not friends.

And it's important to me
that you acknowledge that.

Fine. We're not friends,
and you're a gay dude.

I'm... [chuckles] I am not a gay dude.

Just go about your day
as you normally would.

- Good morning. How are you?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That bald dude from the 12th floor
took total fart blanche in the elevator,

so if you catch a whiff of something,
it's residual him... not me. LOL.

- May I point something out?
- Yeah.

Every day, you greet Eliza, do you not?

I sure do. I check in with everybody.

And in the entire time
that you've worked here,

has Eliza ever once
asked how you are doing?

You know the first thing about this woman?

Do you, uh...

Do you even know her name?

Charmonique.

What?

Charmonique.

Ch... ch...

Charmon... charmonique.

Charmonique.

Like "Monique," but with a "Char."

Okay, but, in my defense,
that's not a real name.

- Hmm?!
- Lesson number one...

Each and every morning as you
pass by Charmonique's desk,

I want you to ask how she's doing.

Totes. Coolio.

- Donezo.
- Let's start now.

Okay.

Open your lips and repeat
after me... "How are you?"

How are you?

[Deep voice] How are you?

Go-o-o-od.

Then, if you will, a follow-up question...

For example, "How'd you sleep last night?"

You know what? Not great.

But that's because I had my
9-year-old in bed with me.

[Buttons clicking]
See, he has sleep apnea, so...

Did you hear that? Put the
phone down. Off your phone.

Apparently, Charmonique and her
son didn't sleep well last night.

Now it's your turn to
say something sympathetic.

I'm really glad I don't have kids.

[Slurping]

You're not slurping.

We're making pleasant conversation.

We are not... on our phones.

We are looking into each other's eyes

and giving one another
our undivided attention.

Good.

[Cup clinks]

I'd like you to answer these questions
as honestly as you possibly can.

"The thing I'm most
soothed by in life is..."

The sound of gentle rain against windows

or medium rain against rooftop
with overspill from gutters.

I have a rain app on my phone.

That's pathetic. Please delete it.

It's free.

"The thing I'm most confused by is..."

Plus-size skinny jeans.

It's like, why?

Okay. Class dismissed.

Uh, wait.

Wait. I almost forgot.

I'm giving you an assignment.

- Ooh!
- [Clears throat]

Sam Saperstein's daughter
is getting married,

and I'd like you to
attend the event with me.

I think it'll be a chance
to show the higher-ups

a side of yourself other than the back one.

Write this down.

Okay.

Makeup should be light,
your dress less tight.

Hair should be tame,
your face softly framed.

No 6-inch heels, no cleavage revealed.

Nothing coarse, nothing sleazy,

and bring a wrap in case it's breezy.

With my credit cards maxed
and my own clothes too slutty,

I had no choice other than
to ask a friend for help.

But all the girls I knew were either
drunk or at soulcycle, which left...

Hold the elevator!

Bryn.

Bryn, I am so screwed.

I have this work wedding,

and I don't have anything
appropriate to wear.

And if you help me,

I swear will never anonymously
complain to management

about your book club again.

I knew that was you!

You are lucky "make-unders"
are my everything.

[Gasps]

Bryn was on board.

What I didn't realize was

that meant the rest of her
book club was on board, too.

Hi!

[ALL] Hi!

Come in. Come in.

How about the peach one?

- Ooh!
- Oh.

Oh, yeah, I love the peach one,

but it might be small in the bust.

Oh, because of these?
Oh, no, these aren't real.

[Smacks lips] Still, it might
be tight in the rear.

Oh, because of this?
Oh, no, this isn't real.

Okay. We might be in business now.

Take a seat.

Were you planning on doing
your own hair and makeup?

Because I don't think that's a good idea.

As wren cleaned out the litter box
of my cat who died six months ago

and eyelet dumped my old
lo mein into the trash,

I had to wonder... is this
what friends do for each other?

♪ Rah, rah, rah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Roma roma ma ♪

♪ Ga-ga-ooh-la-la ♪

♪ Want your bad romance ♪

♪ I want your love and
I want your revenge ♪

♪ You and me could write
a bad romance ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh, ♪
♪ I want your love ♪

These girls really knew
how to get ready.

♪ You and me could write
a bad romance ♪

♪ Oh, whoa-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- [breathes sharply]
- Hi.

Hi.

Wow. You are...

Wearing an enormous amount of fragrance.

Can't you say anything nice?

Well, had you employed a lighter touch...

Never mind. Let me just grab
the tiniest purse known to man,

and then we can go.

Whoa.

- My, that is wee.
- Yeah.

You don't even want to know
where I had to stash my phone.

No phones. No... no... no wedding selfies.

Today's about focusing on a
beauty other than your own.

Is there something funny?

You just called me beautiful.

- I absolutely didn't.
- You indirectly did.

[Orchestral version of "Bad Romance" plays]

Henry, who is this
beautiful girl on your arm?

Sir, this is Eliza Dooley.
She works in sales.

Eliza Dooley. [Smooches]

[Giggles]

Wow. Uh, Eliza, you...
you, uh... you look amazing.

Right?

- "Thank you."
- Thank you.

- "How are you?"
- How are you?

- Good!
- Good!

And now, in lieu of vows,

Maureen will recite a poem
she wrote for Terrance.

[Breathes deeply]

If I'm the fire, you're the spark.

If I'm the nest, you're my lark.

If I'm the lock, you're the key.

[Voice breaking]
If I am hook, you are smee.

- Did she say "smee"?
- Yes, I believe so.

If I'm the eye, you're the tear.

If I am bagel, you're my schmear.

Why would she be bagel?

It's unclear. Shh!

If I'm the dark, you're the light.

If I'm Ben Franklin, you're my Kite.

- [Intro to Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris" plays]
- If I am nordstrom, you're the rack.

If I'm a net...

As I listened to Maureen recite
those crazy vows, it hit me...

I might get thousands of likes
and retweets and favorites,

but it's entirely possible
that no one will ever look at me

the way Terrance was looking at her.

♪ And I'd give up forever to touch you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow ♪

So I did what I guess I've
always done when I needed...

To distract myself from my feelings.

Do you, Terrance, take Maureen

to be your lawful wedded
wife, to have and to ho...

[Cellphone warbling]

[Clack! Sloop!]

[Click] Sorry.

S... Thought it was on silent.

[Bells chiming, cheers and applause]

I'm not used to paying attention
to super-boring long stuff, okay?

No, it's not okay.

It's not just yourself you embarrassed.

- I specifically said no phones.
- Okay, okay!

God. Haven't you ever
made a mistake before?!

- Yeah, I have when I agreed to help you.
- Oh, really?

Are you helping me, or am I helping you?

Don't think I didn't notice you
didn't have a date for this event.

And literally anyone else in the world
would have been a better choice.

So you admit it. Ah. [Chuckles] I...

And it's no surprise you don't have a date,

because you are an unfun man.

"Unfun" is not a word.

And according to your
ex-girlfriend's blog,

- that's why she broke up with you, so...
- My ex-girlfriend?

Did you Google me?
Don't you dare Google me!

I was just confirming
what I already know...

You're a holier-than-thou,
antisocial, judgmental,

hypercritical, workaholic...

Coxcomb!

Oh, I'm a coxcomb?

Well, you, my dear, are a lost cause.

Super mean!

[Footsteps depart]

The next day, I decided
I was done socializing

and back to social networking
because the real world sucks.

You have a good night, now.

You, too, Charmon...

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, where's your mom?

She went to go rinse my lunchbox out.

You gonna let her get some sleep tonight?

No. But you know what?

We got him one of them sleep-apnea masks.

Come on, Kevin. Let's go.

He looks like Bane,
but he sleeps like a baby.

[As Bane] "I was born in the darkness."

Why'd Bane sound like
the pepperidge farm guy?

I don't know, but he did.

[Both laugh]

Hold up. Did we just have

a friendly exchange that
had nothing to do with you?

I think we did.

Well, whatever you're doing with Mr. Man,

it's working, okay?

[Thunder rumbling]

[Rain falling, insects chirping]

Henry?

Henry?

Henry?

I can see you.

You live in a glass house.

[Rumbling continues]

Henry!

Please open this door right now.

Oh. You opened.

This is the exit for my home. Excuse me.

Oh, come on. You... you were leaving?

Yes, I was.

Henry, wait. Wait.

Um...

I'm not a lost cause.

What you're doing with me... it's working.

I wasn't on my phone because I was bored.

- That wedding gave me feels, and...
- "Feels."

And that scared me, and
I... like, I lashed out

and I called you a coxcomb,

which was probably an
incorrect use of the word.

No. Uh, I looked it up.

It's archaic, but it's dead on.

Okay.

Sounded a little bit like
an apology. [Chuckles]

And...

I'm sorry, too.

Hey.

Medium rainfall on roof

with gentle overspill from gutters...

It's your favorite, isn't it?

No. Eliza, don't.

You think that you're getting it...

But you are, in fact, missing it.

And what about you... do you get it?

I get it.

You don't get it. I get it.

You don't get it. I don't think you get it.

You don't think that I'm getting it?

I think I should tell you how to get it!

Oh!

Something told me it had been a while

since anyone gave Henry a push...

And sometimes, we all need a push.

See? I get it.

I get it.

Oh! [Laughs]

[Groans softly]

[Laughs]

See, this is exactly the kind
of thing that we need to work on.

It's not funny when someone gets injured.

Henry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You're totally right.

I'll work on that, I swear.

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Sorry.

- Okay, that's tomorrow's lesson.
- Got it.

- Showing compassion for others.
- Great.

And after that, you can
come with me to soulcycle.

Yeah, I'm not going with you to soulcycle.

- Don't you want a rock-hard ass?
- Uh, no, I don't.

Everything okay in there?

Not really. My new boyfriend
is someone else's husband.

You're married?

The plane is full of my co-workers.

And now I'm stranded in
here, naked and afraid.

Is that one of ours?

Come on, Henry.

I know you don't like me. I
just want to change my image.

- You mean be a better person?
- Or that.

Eliza, don't.

You are addicted to instant gratification.

You think that you're getting it...

But you are, in fact, missing it.

You're coming to my daughter's
wedding? Bring a date.

I'd like you to attend the event with me.

Wow.

- You, my dear, are a lost cause.
- I'm not a lost cause.

What you're doing with me... it's working.

We might be in business now.