Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

All right, Chevy.

[LAUGH]

Chevy, you're very handsome.

How did you become so funny?

What was the first part?

[LAUGH]

What I said, if I just stare it into the camera,

that'd take a lot of guts.

[LAUGH]

There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing.

[MUSIC]

Actual right.

[MUSIC]

Hi.

[LAUGH]

Did I spill your meat back?

[LAUGH]

[MUSIC]

I'm Garak Mars talking to all you white Americans

about the way black people have been treated in America.

Now I know a lot of you feel guilty and you should.

[LAUGH]

You see, having a catheter, a lot of people think it's funny.

[LAUGH]

And they like to see me dance.

[LAUGH]

Now I look up and I'll see it coming down now real quick and I'll see discs.

Where are the discs?

All right.

Rad, rad, rad, nice, you know, I could buy a lot.

We're a little around, we're a little around, I'll see all kinds of lights.

Then they'll just drop me.

If you get that much iron, you probably have to over eat.

Then you're on Tech H

on my order to white-dealed relief fund.

Okay, ready?

Here we go.

[MUSIC]

[INAUDIBLE]

Why don't you take a flip, guys?

Free show.

[INAUDIBLE] You are invited to a new variety spectacular featuring a

parade of comedy and musical acts ripped from the charts.

Jesus Christ.

Why are they on there?

Such a cavalcade of talent.

Hey, man.

You okay?

You asked me again in 90 minutes.

Why?

What happens in 90 minutes?

Uh, we go live.

Oh, wow.

All right, man.

Congrats.

Yes, thank you.

Hey, wait, if it's live, then why the hell are you down here?

For sure.

I'm, for fuck's sake, waiting for--

[INAUDIBLE]

Ah, it's 10 o'clock, Andy.

Here, come on.

Where do I park?

You are invited to a new variety spectacular.

Can you just pick up another one, Miss Scott?

Do you like my suit?

[INAUDIBLE] Where do they honor such a cavalcade of talent?

[MUSIC]

[SNAP]

[SNAP]

[SNAP]

[SNAP]

[SNAP]

[SNAP]

Andy, please, come on.

This is beautiful.

You know, actually, down there is where Diego Rivera

was hired to paint a fresco for the American worker.

I cannot see this.

Well, no one can.

He's Diego's a commie, and I'm glad I'm

related in the middle of the night to the Rockefell.

Delivery's used to back. I'm pretty sure--

Where's your bitch? My--

Where's his bitch?

Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.

I'm the producer of Saturday Night.

The whole night? Hey, hey.

Yeah, the whole night.

I just got a show.

I could, you see.

I'm on a Saturday night. Andy, please.

I must be some show.

Hey, you're doing a great job. Really.

Great stuff. Funny name, Saturday Night.

Funny name, please. Me and Rashi.

Uh, eight floor in Bookit.

What are you seeing now?

So, big night.

Oh, Andy, have you had dinner?

Yes, I had spaghetti.

Oh, that sounds delicious.

Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls from upstairs.

You ordered a llama?

A llama? Yeah, we all decided it was much funnier than donkey.

Right, just the guys now at the loading dock were expecting a, you know, livestock.

Well, NBC did ask for something fresh and unexpected.

That is true. That's true.

Uh, just, you know, they also weren't expecting you to

demand an overhaul in the entire lighting and sound package.

Did anyone ask Edison what a light bulb was before you harnessed electricity?

Who are you in the metaphor?

Did I? But we can't expect people to recognize something they've never seen before.

Right, okay, yes, you're correct.

But how about a final script? It's not my kind of show.

Okay, but what kind of show is it, Lorne? Do you even know what the show is?

Of course.

Are you gonna share it with the rest of us?

Yes.

In 88 minutes.

Oh, my God.

Have you tested the quality of the sound system?

I don't know what happened.

Because your speakers look left over from our tour of Dunceniti.

Ah, I mean, that's probably my job.

Bro, we want you to do it with one or more lights.

This is your card.

How do you do that?

He's a fucking magician, I'm not.

You know, you gotta be right by my side, man.

Lock my hip. Remember, when you're here,

you're not my cousin, you're my executive assistant.

You're important. Really? Like in the credits?

No, but I know. You're really in control, right?

So Balushi hasn't signed his contract yet?

Oh, and the llama's right. Oh, great, thanks, Barbara.

Neil, memo, we need to re-educate the NBC pages on the show.

You should have heard the guy outside.

Saturday night, it's no kind of entertainment. It's abstract.

Oh, God.

The llama's also a god.

You'll have to come out, you need to rehearse.

Oh, careful. You're still trying.

This is monument working.

Mr. Pressner, would you please tell us who you are?

Jake, we still have that. We are.

Which is how you became a magician, but...

You are so bloody. Hey, come on, Eddie.

You got my Nazi Dr. Joe little?

Uh, she's lying. He has space of making his animals talk.

I'll check with him when I check again.

Package was addressed to Al Franken and Tom Davis.

I don't know what the joke is. How do you lose 28 gallons of blood?

85 minutes till showtime.

Come on, guys. He's down.

The intentions need to be crisp.

It tastes like there's a hook or a hole in the ceiling.

Wait for your stage rights.

I'll be any clerk we're all hiding here. Hey, you too.

Hey, you up too. Burning Sage, removing demons.

Ooh, Gary, don't do voodoo.

Amy, this is Billy Crystal at Valor's Bromfield at both of the shows.

Hey! Hey!

Very nice. Please stay with us. Amy is a certifiable comedic genius.

He's redefining the format. We are in the presence of greatness.

Where is the bathroom? Neil, can you show me the washroom?

There you are, Lord. I can't authorize the purpose of dancing, sir.

You have to crush your best hair. He's out of control.

Okay, hey, hey. This isn't a budget. It's a ransom note.

So, when asked for last Friday's Johnny Carson... Motherfucking win, Charlotte.

I'll be back in a little bit. Okay.

Okay, date. So, as it stands, we have four hosts and monologues, two stand-ups,

two musical guests each with two performances,

a solo piece by Andy Kaufman, five parody commercials,

a weekend update, a film by Albert Brooks, Jim Henson's Muppet thing,

not to mention seven sketches.

Something for everybody. Yeah, it's a lot of show.

It won't fit. I don't know that.

I know that. The dress rehearsal was three hours.

Audrey thinks we're tight. Audrey thinks it's

time to make some tough decisions, actually.

We want to just cut some things. No, we will.

This is the show.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry, tripped over my penis. Still in the show, Jeff.

Oh, I know. Hey, you remember Jackie, my girlfriend?

Fancy. It looks expensive.

She is. It is.

I never know when you're kidding. Hey, Jeff, can I...

Can you show a little Goodwill, Tear-Co-Sar? Who?

Belushi? Mm-hmm.

God, God. What the fuck's the matter now?

I think it's just a new dynamic, and there are a lot of expectations.

I'll tell you what the issue is.

We're not doing a radio hour anymore, and he's built like an Albanian cheeseburger.

Jeffy can't help if people are responding to his face.

I mean, I could, but I won't. Right.

I'm asking you to deny your own magnetism, Chevy.

Maybe there's other roles for John to play, like a hobo or a troll.

Or a fire hydrant or a Volkswagen or a hemorrhoid.

You're looking sharp, Patches. What?

You have to cut something. Yeah, yeah.

Neil? Oh, yeah.

Get me a key to the story.

In fact, I want keys to all the doors.

In the building, if you can.

Come on, come on. Come on, hurry!

It all looks okay. Hey, guys.

Hey, Laurie, the other front. Down in front.

Dave, how are you looking? Oh, good, good.

Still working on the 47 notes you gave me on your last visit.

Okay. How's the round looking out there? We're out.

Oh, I think I can speak for the entire crew when I say this

is exactly where we want to be on Saturday night.

Okay? Yeah. Great. Yeah.

Rocky, wake up, will you? Give me your lights.

45 games, 45 seats.

Half down on 31, that's 32. You've done this before, right?

That's a lot of lights. You're gonna have a test to look at that thing.

Good job, John. Fire, please.

You have no rehearsals up. Actors on the marks.

Hey, guys, we only have two weeks of commercials to make it

from stage right to stage left.

Hello, fellas. What's up, Joe?

Can I get you anything? A refreshment? Mind tie? I'd like a shape.

Try and at least act like a fucking worker, please.

John, thank you for your patience moments away, okay?

All right, next card, Alba-Franken.

Next card, Tomba Davis. Okay, so this is a bit?

Look, I don't get half the shit that they do.

Next card, Rosie Budd.

Lauren, is Rosie going with Michael, Sir Shuster?

That's a good question. Should I ask Rosie?

No, no, no, I'll take care of it. All right.

That's good. That's actually looking good.

She's been at it for hours. She's simply doing her job.

We have to comply with NBC's order. She's refused to comply.

Mr. O'Donohue. Mm-hmm.

On page 12, oh, what is clan diving?

I believe the act of harvesting mollusks.

Joe! I just need the lights to home and be patient.

Talk to the wunderkind! He's trying to, like, fucking treat this Christ-Sue-Stark!

There are more people up there. Get him blamed.

I'm glad you're having fun, Wilbert. This isn't helpful.

If that piglet just figures my work,

I'm gonna turn our eudorus into a sock puppet.

What is zipper dinner?

How many of these did you hide in the script?

Maybe a dozen. It's like a scavenger hunt.

I know what blue balls are. You don't say.

Let's move the purpose. Let's move it.

That was it. Come on, let's get it.

All right, quiet, please. Rehearsal is up.

Salt over.

Can I get the action on the marks, please?

Camera's on them marks. Here we go.

Okay, let's see if we can get through one of these skits.

Skitches. Danny, please. Okay.

Ready, camera one? Take camera one.

Oh, look, Connie. Boing, boing with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.

Camera two. Take camera two.

I swear, I'm tired.

I think I'm just gonna have another glass of diet

and we'll be here in God of the day, okay?

Ackroyd! Chew Danny.

What's the problem? Let's go not again.

Just a little lodge.

Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed.

This is only a simulated assault in burglary.

Repeat, this is a simulated assault in burglary.

This could happen to you at any time. In fact, it just has.

Probably! No, no!

Don't call the police. I am the police.

Well, I might be anyway.

Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Cromer?

Well, Ackroyd, one giant step to the right, please.

Uh, yeah, am I right? Yes.

Sure. Say, man, you want me to say anything in this,

or am I the silent robber type?

I think we're gonna stick to the script this time.

What? That's good. I'm scared.

Okay, here we go. And action on rehearsal.

Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Cromer,

my name is Kenny Vorce, rather.

I'm president of Trojan Horse Home Security.

I've broken into your home tonight

to illustrate to you and your family just how--

(all shouting)

(indistinct chatter)

(indistinct chatter)

(indistinct chatter)

(indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter)

You got any more fucking left to drop on it?

Yeah, maybe, maybe, motherfuckers.

You want me to break your fucking heart?

Get out of the job!

What the fuck is wrong with you, motherfucker?

Hey, hey, hey. How dare you endanger my actors?

Really? Yeah, you're the one asking

for a hundred fucking light, dude.

Let me know if my expectations surpass your abilities.

You know, I don't know, guys.

That was kind of exciting. Like, it's probably a good look.

What?

Ah, this is not gonna work.

I need, uh, some of the little more heft.

It's got no stopping power. You know what I mean?

Script said pistol.

Well, the script specifically called for a Smith & Wesson

K-frame Model 19 combat magnum.

Here we go again? Uh, in this death trap?

Well, we've worked out the case.

Well, I still think it was kind of funny.

How high will this thing go, Al?

Kill that? Kill that?

(laughing)

Kid, this ain't an armory.

No one's gonna notice a difference.

I'll tell you who'll notice.

A few of the fine folks in home will look at them six-heans

before a fear of swamp troops in Quang Nam.

Hey, boys!

It's a big girl I made an hour.

I'm not wearing a underwear. Don't look too hard.

Try it yourself.

I'll give you and your service to the end of the week.

Oh, that's funny, because I gave you until the end of the day.

All right, everyone.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(chattering)

Mm-hmm.

Thank you, Airman. No.

This is the idea without the keys right now.

I've been in this for years.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

(laughing)

Hey, come on, man.

Violence? Really?

Ha ha, my main man Jim.

Say, uh, sorry for shooting your Muppets, man.

They're not just-- they're your co-stars.

Is that you? You all right there, Jim?

Yes.

No.

I don't think the writers on the 17th floor speak Muppet.

They tied a belt around Big Bird's neck

and hung him from my dressing room door.

Hey, I heard about Big Bird.

So sorry.

Autorotic asphyxiation, who knew?

Shh. You're full of baloney.

Uh-oh, cursing.

Incidentally, the first rat off this sinking ship!

Oh, really? Don't jump--

Oh, wow, that's a good shirt.

What can I say, long way out.

Come on, he was our lighting judge.

We hit lights.

I'm sure there's someone else in the building

who can push me by the deck.

Hey, he's the only one who knows the location

of the 200 lights you asked for.

What is this?

What's the meaning of this? Who did this?

Ha ha ha!

Hey, I told you we were making a comedy.

[laughter]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[music]

Hey!

Oh, yeah.

Soundin' good, guys.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Uh, we actually worked together before.

I sang back up for Belafonte.

[laughs]

Catch that.

[laughs]

Break the coconut water

Woke it by

Man is good for you, daughter

Woke it by

Go-kogata-lata-ion

[laughter]

You gotta sing him, too.

How many people do they have planned tonight?

No, no, no, see, I am one of the comedic performers, man.

Okay. Yeah, I'm in-- You cast.

You are a professional comedian.

Uh, what?

No, not by trade.

Okay.

You see, I'm actually a playwright.

All right.

Perhaps you saw my work at the Black Arts and Batault Theatre

in Harlem.

Yeah, I must have missed that.

Yeah, I actually don't know why they hired me, man.

[laughter]

You seem a little tight.

Yeah, you gotta kind of loosen it up for the show.

Stay out.

Hook Mr.-- Mr. Garrett Morris.

Garrett Morris, y'all the comedian.

Yeah, Hook Mr. Garrett Morris up with a little bit of confidence.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, come--

Okay, who in the get it?

Medical grade.

Shit's so light, add the bottles for the bottles.

You gonna float.

Float.

Put this away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is illegal.

Yeah, well, you gonna need it.

But you're coming.

All right, you good?

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, y'all, let's get--

All right, sound check.

All right, everyone, quiet for sound check.

Sound check.

[music]

Is this-- is this for volume?

It's a whole inch of water.

That sounds pretty adequate to me.

Well, this isn't Wimbledon.

It needs to feel like a rock concert for everyone at home.

I was going to such a deep appreciation for music.

Shouldn't we have more mics?

One band, one mic.

I think this needs to be fixed for tonight.

What I've been talking about, three, four.

[music]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this for John?

Yeah, is this for makeup?

Do you like being yelled at or something?

Here, I've got you.

Where are you going?

Here, here, here, here.

[music]

Jim, you're not set on that hand, please.

[music]

Keep up the door.

[music]

Easy on the macaroni, poor friend.

You don't want to hurt your stomach.

[music]

There he is, the star of the show.

Oh, come on, Rosie, not the fucking bees.

I'm not a dashboard ornament.

No, you're adorable is what you are.

And all that fur, every girl's gonna want to squeeze you.

I am a trained professional.

Oh, you better watch where you point that stinger.

Come on, you want a little sick.

What happened to my reporter costume?

Blaine Hotel?

It's a five second changeover from the reporter to Ancient Greece, okay?

Lauren doesn't think you'd have time to get into your tote.

Okay.

[music]

Excuse me, ma'am, don't be alarmed.

You're dealing with a fully qualified male trumpet.

Hey, Rosie, I got the latest version of new dad.

Okay.

Hey, bees.

Mm-hmm.

Making sure you professional ID.

No.

Expression, animal graph, and--

And a pleasant strum, then.

It's Fred Garvin.

Male brass.

How much is this gonna cost?

Hey, you can get costumes.

I told them to make those hot pants extra hot.

Dummy.

Oh, Lauren, we're gonna go check out the cut on new dad.

You wanna see?

[crashing]

Holy shit, sorry, Lauren.

Hey, I heard John doesn't like the big costume.

You know anything about this?

It's not a costume for me.

He thinks he's Brando.

He's better than Brando.

I'm working on it, Dick.

He's more important than me.

He'll be studied.

They will study his local.

John is better when he's angry.

Rose, you understand that in an hour television program,

I made a covenant with the National Broadcasting Program.

A covenant?

Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on the hook for 90 minutes of live television.

Okay, Abraham.

Rose, why don't you turn him into a bee?

I am not turning him into a bee.

He is a man in a bee costume.

There was a difference.

It's an image you can't get out of your head.

It's postmodern, it's Warhol, it's iconic.

Mm-hmm.

Where exactly is he gonna come from?

Oh, I just sent an imaginary dog to fetch an imaginary stick.

Must be some dog.

He's very well trained.

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, pal.

Hey.

How are ya?

Looks like Chevy's fiance slipped and fell into another segment.

Jacqueline's gonna be hosting the show if you're not careful.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

All the investments, a wonderful family,

everything you need for the future.

Danny's gonna miss.

Yeah, he is.

What if you were suddenly out of the picture?

Should we add sound there over the X?

Want a buzzer?

No, funny, like a bell.

Oh, good call.

You called him for them financially.

And if we could hold him a photo for another eight frames.

16 frames.

Everything.

Were you thinking of going home with a... tonight?

With Danny, tonight?

Yeah, I mean, I was suggesting that we were gonna tell him that.

You knew long time ago.

No, I just didn't know that.

It's opening night, so I figured that it was a long time.

Neither did I.

Well, then why are you asking?

I'm just... I'm gonna avoid it, it's right.

But you love surprises.

I love surprises.

Like it, Frank loved a drum set.

No, don't encourage him.

Can you hold him to that photo for another eight frames, please?

I'll leave it friends.

Eight frames is a beat.

Well, there are needs.

Can you believe I need to cut an hour of the show?

Oh, NBC doesn't want a three hours sketch comedy review.

Jesus Christ, don't call it that, please.

Well, what is it then?

Honey, I'm home.

It's been years collecting orphan comedians off the street.

I know. They sleep on our dinette and they wiz in our sink.

It's a miraculous accident.

I found a place to go home for a little circus of rejects.

A lot of national television.

Rose, this is our shot.

It's a shot.

Rose.

You're actually nervous.

Oh, uh, Barbara was asking about the movie.

Barbara was asking about your credit on the show.

I figured you'd go with Michael's.

Is that what you want?

I mean, you know, we're married.

You're my wife.

I figured it's straight as mine.

Laura, we're married, but not your wife.

Yeah, I don't think that'll fit on the crawl.

Well, what would you prefer?

What? Lord?

NBC execs are waiting in the green room for you.

Fuck.

VTR needed this yesterday.

Well, it looks great.

On, up, with this about.

Hey, Lauren.

Hey, Lauren.

The last minute.

Just in case you need it.

I know. What's your gag?

We're gonna dress acroid up as Julia Child.

America's favorite chef.

Okay.

And right, she's carving up a turkey on live television.

She slices open an artery. Blood everywhere.

Everywhere.

Oh, that's a whole bitch.

Yeah, just America's favorite chef painting the walls of their insides.

It's all on a glorifest.

It's gonna be on her carriage, boss.

Oh, no! I'm Julia Child and I'm cutting thick and tight!

Sounds wrong.

Wait, wait, boss. I didn't even get to the good part yet.

Shh, put down the torch.

Yeah, he doesn't like Julia Child.

Uh, George?

How's Colin?

Warming up the pipes.

Okay, well, her blue she hasn't signed his contract yet.

Okay.

It's her malady.

Yeah, they're pretty formal here.

Speaking of, the folks in standards are a little uneasy about the parody commercial

playing right before the regular ads.

I think they think the viewers might be a little confused.

One might argue that's what makes it humorous.

Yeah, but Lorne, at what point are we not just making fun of the audience?

Oh, hardly is. Canadian Del Arte. If

anything, it'll make the other commercials feel

all the more real and the sponsors will probably thank you.

Oh, who's in there? Should I be concerned?

No, just try not to use words like underground or revolutionary.

I'm not exactly Shaka Fara.

What the f--? There's like a thousand people in there.

Fifty? The affiliates from across the country?

Lorne, they're excited to see the show.

I don't have time for this thing.

Lorne, these are the people that will decide whether or not we have a hit.

They choose whether we go on the air. We need them.

Three minutes. Tops.

Hi, gentlemen. Hello, Lorne Michaels.

Hi, Lorne Michaels. Hi, Lorne Michaels.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, this is my show.

Hi, where are Lorne from?

Lorne.

New Orleans. Wow, fantastic.

Hi, Lorne.

Southerners here.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Hi, gentlemen.

Lorne Michaels, I'm the creator of our show.

Hi.

Wow, Fermanchi. Hi, appreciate your support, gentlemen.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hi.

Tallahassee. Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Hi.

Who am I kidding? Gentlemen.

Can I see that? Thank you.

Hope this isn't the only thing getting sucked on this weekend, boys.

Jesus, you guys look like the cast of Godfather if it was shot in Alabama.

I see some cowboys here. That's a hell of a ten gallon hat.

I look like you're ready for a date with livestock.

Welcome to New York. It's quite diverse.

If you want to meet black people, go to Harlem.

If you want to meet Jews, come to our writer's room.

Sir, you look like you're from Ohio.

My favorite thing about Ohio...

Let me introduce you to our head writer,

our Prince of Darkness, Michael O'Donoghue.

Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.

I'm certain you all know Mr. Rogers.

Perhaps the most kind and gentle man in all of television.

This is my impression of Mr. Rogers

plunging 18-inch steel sewing needles into his eyes.

[clears throat]

[screaming]

Okay, okay. Thank you, Michael.

Well, now you know why they put us on a midnight.

Hello, everybody. My name is Lord Michaels.

I'm the producer and creator of Saturday Night.

We have a wonderful show for you this evening,

George Carlin, The Great Billy Preston,

a film by Elton Brooks, Jim Henson's Muppets.

We're excited for tonight,

because there's never been a television show

made for or by the generation that grew up watching television.

So...

in the words of my dear friend Che Guevara,

this is the revolution.

Be the Lord Revimucile!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Who's with us?

And the what?

We're not well. We're not in the streets!

Gentlemen, behold,

if you listen closely, you can hear Buffalo Bob shh up in the car with Howdy-Doody.

We're gonna get a little passionate.

Tim's so longevity here.

Blood in the streets.

Well, that sounds delightful.

How much are we spending on this insurrection?

About $2.50 an episode.

I guess revolutions aren't cheap.

What is this? Absolutely not.

No, no, no, no. We're not gonna beg for their approval.

Well, you know, one of Michaels' special

birds, you know, he believes in his vision.

Well, that's nice.

And he doesn't really bend.

We know how that story goes.

Mm-hmm.

Des Moines!

How'd you escape?

I appreciate your time.

You know, my father had good taste and my mom was an alcoholic.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Can I borrow him for a moment?

Enjoy the show, gentlemen.

You have that room like a pro.

Oh, thank you.

I mean it. I'm Dave Tippett, head of talent.

You know, I handled it tonight, so...

I didn't know that.

Between us, Johnny Carson isn't gonna be around forever.

Think about it.

You're a handsome, funny gentleman.

That means something.

Something.

Uh, Lauren, you remember Dave Tippett?

Oh, of course. I remember everyone who gives me a job, Dave.

Smart kid. Quite lineup, this evening.

You know, why have you? I do understand that we are bending some of the rules.

Oh, Lauren, this is NBC. There's a way things are done, the peacock way.

Right. Well, we are thinking a little different now.

I mean, we just, you know, maybe the email.

Well, I just...

Take the fuck up.

Can't you see talent when it's standing inches from your face?

What do you think he's gonna do?

Embarrass us with some half-ass rat fuck donkey show?

Frankly, that's exactly what I signed up for.

Michael, I expect you to be an unbending force of seismic disturbance.

Light up that NBC switchboard like a bomb, why not?

Well, I promise not to play the music too loud.

Ah, fuck that. This isn't the Musharajah festival.

It's Saturday fucking night. I want you to be thunderous and deafening.

If my ears don't bleed, I'll be asking for a refund.

Great. I mean, I've always seen this as a

collision that erupts from every screen in America,

a prism that captures the light of an emerging generation.

Stop. Don't say another word.

Don't question another instinct.

I'm very sorry. Yes.

We're standing in the presence of a prophet.

He certainly talks like a man with a vision.

And I want you to take that vision like a Sherman tank

and plow through any fuck that gets in your way. Even me.

Use a motion for the many and reserve reason for the few.

I like that. I'm putting it on my wall.

Was that Hitler quilting?

Trusted he's a sign the man was a wordsmith.

You missed a call from Johnny Carson.

I picked up phone calls. What did you tell him?

I don't remember either of them. Lord, Lord.

Is that a bump bet? I did have a UFO in California.

Daddy ordered it for his office.

Can you find something to eat?

Neil, why would he order a both arm?

He did tell me.

Could you get that image of that in my face?

And I'm actually very sorry.

I think you can do the bois.

But I have a point backwards.

That is necessary.

That's a similar voice. Hey, Mike.

Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?

Nervous about what?

A television is merely a lava lamp with slightly better audio.

Colored beads to fascinate the animal.

I could do it in an arcoleptic coma.

Hello, Herb. How's update coming?

South Vietnam has seized and burned 100,000 Playboy magazines.

We're still working on the punchline.

For miles, all anyone could smell was roast bunny.

That's the one. Grab it, boys.

Who did that, Cops?

Oh, yeah. Come in, girl. Come in.

Oh, hey. Watch your back.

Here we are.

You all right there, Jeff?

All the things are, uh, Cooper Kippy Herb.

I think it just happened.

I think I got the old shoulder tab.

What?

You know, from the guys upstairs.

What's gonna happen to me?

I mean, Herb, you've been around the block.

Where am I going from here?

Well, I don't know, Chevy. I never got a shoulder tab.

I just made a fortune and won a few Evvies.

Slapped with Gloria Steinem.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Why?

Oh, wow. You're in so many scenes.

Oh, yeah, but I'm always having these kids, sister.

You're the hot one.

I think Jane's the hot one.

No, my mom. You're still fuckable, mom.

My instinct is that the American people are gonna fall in love with you.

You'll be obscenely overpaid for cratfalls and cute jokes.

You'll waste away most of your life with purchased company.

And then eventually you'll self-medicate with booze and huggers and heroin.

I imagine you'll die alone falling out of a hotel room window in Stockholm.

Jesus.

I can't wait.

Well, you're everyone's favorite, Gilda.

Oh, I'm just a bagel looking for locks on the parrot with nothing to squawk.

Well, I keep feeling like any minute Lauren's just gonna shit me back.

Oh, no. On this budget, we can't afford the postage.

There's a reason you're here. You may not know it, but Lauren's a--

We're dealing with a fully full of un-mailed super-spat.

Not a prop, mister.

You know, I can assure you, uh,

professional hygiene, discretion, animal gratification.

Why don't you assure me?

You rang?

Yeah, I need the muck pages.

I already turned in that one script.

Oh, was sense and uncomfortable with the muppets on a plantation?

It was a musical number.

I don't think that's a problem.

I just can't write for those little hairy face claws.

Well, I need something for Henson. We go live at an hour.

You cannot say "40" on NBC.

Did you see what that evangelical cunt did to our pages?

I'll be right back.

She wants to say "sexy" instead of "horny."

Sexy and horny just don't mean the same thing.

I struggle to see the difference.

Well, if a dog is helping her leg, it's horny.

Certainly not sexy.

What on earth are you doing?

I'd rather butt-fuck cancer than make these changes.

Your words don't scare me, Mr. Adonohue.

I am a woman of God.

I'd heard God's love is blind, now I know why.

You see this?

I do.

I know. It looks like an ordinary red marker.

But this one is special.

It has kept America safe for the better part of a decade.

It is a weapon against vulgarity, sex, communism, and...

...hate-ism.

Oh. What about violence?

Does it protect America from violence?

Yes, that too.

How about infanticide?

Excuse me?

Apologies. Just a $2 word for a parent who gills their own child.

The mytho makes me nauseous.

Oh, understandably. Me too, by the way.

It's just I had this idea for a sketch.

And I'm not sure if it's funny. You can be the judge.

It's about this powerful temperamental guy

who rapes his virgin in the middle of the night.

I know. Awful.

Knocks her up without ever saying hello, buying her flowers, whatever.

And then, and then, here's the funny part.

He has their bastard son publicly mutilated and tortured to death on a cross.

You are a vile human.

Ah, fuck. You've heard this before.

Mr. O'Donohue.

Are we still being formal? Please just call me Satan.

No, I am Satan.

I am Satan.

I am Satan.

I am Satan.

I am Satan.

I am Satan.

Will be forgotten. I am going to make sure of it.

You were Satan?

I...

Are you out of your mind?

Look, for better or worse, I call it like I see it.

That was worse.

Well, maybe you two at the loading dock.

I'm sure someone can sign for whatever. You're back on the Muppets.

Fuck you.

Yeah, I doubt that.

It's Leo. He's been fighting with security and there's blood.

Dick.

Ah, hey.

Hey, Dan.

Is this Starkey?

Well, I have you.

Oh, there was an aside side.

Great.

Well, I have you.

Ah, I know you always want to be on the cutting edge.

Check this out.

Polaroid.

Okay.

We can have the actors demo it live, write it into sketches, do live commercials.

Funny ones. The payout is long.

Take the cast and sign up to do live commercials.

Neither do I.

Some of the cast might find that very unsafe.

Mm-hmm. I completely understand.

But television is driven by advertising.

It's what makes the motor run. It's really not a big deal at all.

Just please don't show this to the talent.

I don't want them thinking they're back on the cast back of the hour.

What are we doing kayaking? What is this?

Uh, Lauren, we're over budget.

Dick, you don't need to tell me that.

Someone needs to tell you that.

We don't even know what the show is yet.

How could we possibly know the budget?

That's true. That's a good point.

Neil, please.

If we don't know what the show is,

Lauren, what the fuck are we doing here?

I know the ingredients. Just...

Just not the amounts.

Well, what does that mean?

We just have to make it to 1130.

Hey!

Oh, fuck!

What are you back to doing?

What about your job?

You want to lose your teeth?

I mean, lose your NBC Saturday night and you just hit a man with a Tony.

Fuck you.

I've hit plenty of Tony.

Hey, that's enough.

Tell your friend those deliveries after six days.

All right.

Shut up your ass.

Fuck you.

You took that punch like a champ.

I'm actually not sure you're supposed to be pinching the bottom of the notch

because you've been to a little higher.

Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.

Any higher?

Am I missing something?

Why are we using real break?

Can we just roll out the null amp?

Hey, fuck you!

Okay, well, let's get the null amp.

Dick, our vision for home base is a street corner

with all the grit and texture of New York City.

Okay, but I mean, are we gonna use real blood and vomit too?

Hey, hey, no more fighting. No more fighting.

He doesn't know. He doesn't know. It's okay.

Why are we stopping?

Hello, everybody.

What are you-- You can't keep wondering what's like that.

I'm fine.

That's very good.

That's very good.

Barbara, what time do you have?

10.39.

Lauren.

The break.

It's--

It's got its pockets out.

It's workman-like.

It's honest.

Dick, it's critical for the success of the show.

Okay, but what is the show?

I mean, honestly, Dick, you know what? Bye now.

Jimmy Chicks.

Kildall Crandor.

Dan Aikka.

How the fuck do you pronounce it?

Dan Aikroy.

Dan Aikroy.

50 minutes, everybody.

You nervous?

Uh, no. No, not really.

I mean, I've only got a couple bits.

The jury thing and the TV host.

Uh, huh.

Say, uh, you ever wonder exactly what it is you are doing here?

Yeah, and I think I've got a pretty good idea.

And what is that?

Well, Garrett, I'll tell you.

I like to give 100% in everything I do.

And I like a dish soap that does that, too.

So alive.

So young.

So boring.

So exotic.

So hypnotic.

So manipulative.

So sadistically abusive.

So cartoonishly abhorrent.

You see, when it comes to my skin and my sensitive parts,

I only trust 100% American-made steel wool.

Strong enough for a man, but whimsical and helpless enough for a woman.

Don't wait.

Act now.

Act like your very life depends on it.

Act like your children's lives depend on it.

Act like the children in Africa's lives depend on it.

What the fuck was all that?

That was my 20s, Garrett, and that is exactly what I'm doing here.

Oh, shit.

I'm just here to play, uh, the butler, the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.

Think you've seen a little nice burp them?

You're a little pretty for a commie, Diane.

Well, cheers to staying out of the spotlight.

Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Jordan Carlin!

You can't just let me come out from behind a goddamn curtain.

I have to descend like Norma fucking Desmond.

All right!

Fuck you, everyone!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

I've definitely fucked you.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck all of you!

You have to distract her.

How?

She was barking away.

Uh, excuse me, miss.

Could you confirm that this is a normal deck of cards?

No marks, no poles, no punches?

Jordan! Yeah, I'm sorry. Jordan!

Yeah, all right.

Welcome to the show.

I have some music, some laughs.

I plugged the record, blah, blah, blah.

Fitting your cards.

I am Jordan.

Keep going, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're looking at crowds and old movies and wonder if they're dead yet.

Oh!

You fucking kidding me with this shit!

And throw it to Janice.

What?

Yeah, throw it to Janice.

Introduce it, please.

Keep going.

Ladies and gentlemen, Janice Ian.

Mr. Kerr.

Yeah?

I am Joan Kerr, about coal and B.C. standards.

Oh, I didn't know they had it.

Joan, he's very busy.

Just please share in terms of me, all right?

No, no, I'd like to hear your concerns personally, if you don't mind.

I know you have a propensity for the

obscene and alert interest in colorful language.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Callan, you'll be happy to know that

there is one delay button, and my finger is on it.

I'm surprised you even found the button, let alone touched it.

Is this your read of diamonds?

Are you gonna help?

I really wish we could, but we don't do bricks.

What guild is it that does the bricks? Is that 422?

It's called 303.

That's the pipe fitters.

I don't know why you're laying brick. You're gonna be gone in two weeks.

So it's gonna be like one of those 1950s safari flips.

You know, the ones with Rhonda Fleming, Susan Haverton.

That's a prop.

So I want you to take this bowl of potato chips here.

Me?

Yes, you. I want you to reach into them.

Every time I take a step, give them a little crunch, right?

It's like Rhonda Safari.

Ready?

Give it a try.

Early.

I just got this job.

Now we're getting it.

That was nice.

Oh, Pete.

Ah, ah! Don't shoot me!

Ah!

I know that noise.

That's a monkey being run over by the sea train.

My arch nemesis. Here he comes.

There's no way they're gonna fit all that show.

You think?

Something's gotta go. Hey, Lon, can we talk for a minute?

You're doing great, Billy.

That was weird.

Yep, we're fucked.

Excuse me, also, but have I done something wrong?

What do we have here?

Fine, that would be my ass.

Mm-hmm.

Billy Preston's band hooked it up.

"Metacool Grade, baby. Floats in the bottle."

And then...

Check's out.

"Metacool Grade."

So tell me how you fit into this ensemble.

Oh, is this an ensemble?

No, we have many talented, talented

improvisers from Chicago and Toronto and Boston.

Yes, Jane Creighton's from Boston.

That's what I was gonna say.

Missed a little there.

But to answer your question...

I'll have value, Captain.

They wanna shave me.

Oh, careful. There's no jaw under that mirror. Just ten pounds of neck.

Chevy!

I'm gonna show you some...

Jesus Christ, you suck!

I don't fucking...

Shut the fuck up!

Hey, hey, hey, stop!

You're gonna end me!

Stop!

Chevy, out!

Don't be cooked with animals!

Shab!

Take the sink.

Okay, John.

So we're throwing things now?

He started it.

It's just a shave, John.

So I'll be seeing on his fucking face?

No.

But would Jimi Hendrix play in "Mittens"?

That's a good point.

John, you're going to go down as one of the giants

of character expressionism from "Choplin," Brando.

Belushi.

Why had your gift?

Beards are for pussies.

The bees are bullshit.

You think I don't know that? Of course they are. They're stupid.

They're postmodern. They're Warhol. They're iconic. They're Sergeant Bevers.

So well said.

I'm glad you get it.

John, we go live in less than an hour.

45 minutes!

I need you to sign your contract.

Oh, yeah.

What? What's happening?

What happened to the music?

Hey, what? Why'd you stop playing?

The speakers went out.

All of them?

What the hell is happening? What? Dick?

A mom with the album put up supplied speakers at...

Yeah, rock-top.

Oscar and Eenie, out of audio fidelity. What can we be doing?

Yeah, what can we be doing?

You got no sound.

Idiot on the light board and we go live in 45.

What, do you want to rehearse?

You can pull up.

Do you want to...

Should we get up there?

Yeah.

All right, everyone. We're moving to Wicked Update.

Great, great, great.

And I stand by the restroom.

You're moving, people.

From Saturday Night News headquarters,

this is Wicked Update with Lauren Michaels.

Our top story tonight, some world news.

Japanese emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse on Disneyland this week.

The emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.

All right.

How was that?

It was horrible.

Right.

And now with a weather report, we turn it over to meteorologist John Blusche.

What's it looking like out there, John?

Thank you, Lauren.

It's often said, "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb."

But did you know March behaves differently in other countries?

In Norway, for example, March comes in

like a polar bear and goes out like a walrus.

Or consider the Republic of South Africa, where March comes in like a lion

and goes out like a different lion.

Like one has a mane and the other doesn't have a mane.

And there's a country where March hops in

like a kangaroo and stays a kangaroo for a while.

Australia.

Then, then, for a couple days, it's sort of a

cross between a frilled lizard and a common house cat.

Then it changes back into a smaller

kangaroo and then it goes out like a wild dingo.

No, no, and it's not Australia.

You're thinking of Australia, but it's not.

And there are nine different countries where March comes in like a frog

and goes out like a bowling retriever.

But that's not the weird part.

No, no, no, no, the weird part is the frog.

The frog.

The weird part is the--

[screams]

[laughter]

You all right? Are you okay?

I give in.

That was brilliant.

Now, I need you to sign your contract.

Is that a yes?

That was a yes.

Is it a yes? Okay.

Neil, can I get the contract?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, so you have a pen?

Uh...

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, there's a call from Burbank waiting in your office.

Burbank.

Carson.

Okay, someone get him a pen.

Don't let him use it as a straw.

Uh, rehearse something.

Anything.

All right, the hospital stage left.

Let's go. We're moving.

Here we go.

Great work, guys.

Excuse me.

Hey, Mr. Michaels.

Oh, Mr. Hanson.

Hey. I'm excited to see what you and your

Maribatic creatures have to store for us tonight.

Well, Lauren, we don't have any script

pages yet, so the Muppets are flying blind here.

Well, this is the first time hearing of it. Neil, Jim needs his pages.

Thank you. Thank you.

And please, sorry, Lauren.

Can you please remind your crew not to leave the Muppets in compromising positions?

That doesn't sound like them.

Well, they left a note.

They didn't.

They did.

It's sad.

Fuck rags for rent.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. I know what that means.

I'll talk to Michael immediately.

Thank you.

All right. Thank you.

Oh, hey, Bernie.

Oh, no, you're good.

Hello. This is Lauren.

I was beginning to think you didn't like me.

Of course not, Mr. Carson. You're the voice of a generation.

I just wanted to reach out and say good luck tonight.

Oh, that's very kind.

And also, I suppose I wanted to make sure we

don't end up stepping on each other's dicks.

Right.

You know how this all started, don't you?

She's signed a joint. She just signed a joint with a kite and a key, I'm sure.

Don't be a dipshit for a second, kid.

I'm sure you've heard by now that Mommy and Daddy are fighting,

and that's why you've got the house to yourself tonight.

Frankly, it's the only reason they ever greenlight your little talent show.

Look, these things always go the same way.

First, they try to fuck you, and then they buy you dinner.

I'm not opposed to Saturday night, even if it

isn't a dumpling grab with dead beats and bag heads.

They don't.

You can play dress-up on national television.

Don't let them hold the camera.

Good for you.

So, here's some friendly advice.

Enjoy your little show.

But don't get too comfortable.

You're a bench-wommer.

A stalking horse.

It's my fucking network.

It's my fucking night.

No hard feeling, so...

Fuck the bees and fuck this show!

Done.

Hey, where you going?

I told her I'm kidding!

You are a half-witted writer.

Tell me some samples of time.

We're always looking for a bunch of them.

How's it go?

Tremendous, thank you for asking.

Oh, great.

I wish you walked.

What? You quit?

No.

Well, technically, you would need a fucking job to quit.

But yes, you want it.

We need to find him.

I'll take the eighth floor.

I'll take the knife.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Hey, have you seen John Belushi?

(indistinct chatter)

Sorry, John.

Have you seen John Belushi?

You want to hand the air where you go?

You seen Belushi?

I'm not an animal wrangler.

Belushi?

Belushi?

Belushi?

Belushi?

Belushi?

Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi?

John?

I think it's funny.

I think that's pretty cool.

Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.

Have you seen John Belushi anywhere?

Oh, yeah, sure.

He was hanging out with us yesterday, right?

No, sorry.

I'm in the last few minutes.

Oh, no.

Well, you seem stressed.

You okay?

But I need a hint.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's fine.

That's okay.

I think it helped.

That makes sense.

(laughter)

There we go.

(laughter)

Oh, look at him.

Atta boy.

Good luck on your quest, amigo.

(laughter)

(coughing)

Have you seen John Belushi?

Have you guys seen John?

Ah, meow.

Who do you think I am?

Even Bumblebee.

No, man, I am talking about him.

What is my idea to John Belushi?

Don't ask me that right now.

I can't answer that.

Oh.

Oh.

How are you doing?

Thank you.

So nice.

Has anybody seen John?

Hi, John.

Hi, John.

No.

No.

Oh, this is...

(indistinct chatter)

(indistinct chatter)

Have you guys seen John Belushi?

Why are you holding your face like that?

Why are you shouting?

Are you okay?

I don't know.

I can hear my own blood.

Am I going to be okay?

Don't ask her.

She's an imp, not a nurse kid.

I know that!

Should I be worried?

About Neil?

No, fuck Neil.

About my act.

I can't get a straight answer out of line.

Billy, your family.

Ah, meow.

Neil?

This week on The Rumpus Hump, Tony Orlando and Doreen,

Shields and Yornell, the Namingo brothers,

and your favorite judge,

Robert Shop Quartet, Macho Quartet.

Morning.

You know Meltonboro?

Oh, absolutely.

Big fan.

I grew up on your work.

Who did?

Here, it's your big night.

I'm planning on it.

How's it all coming?

Just perfect.

You're not going to get that.

You certainly don't.

Yep.

Being here must bring back all kinds of memories, I'm sure.

Sure, sure, yeah.

Used to call this the RCA radio talent.

Radio, that wonderful invention by which I could reach a million people

who fortunately couldn't reach me.

You know, Milk's TV show once pulled a 97 share.

97% of the American audience was watching Uncle Milk.

Do you ever miss me, Mr. Television?

What is he talking about?

Lauren, Milk remains one of the peacock's most colorful feathers.

It's quite a feather.

Of course, of course.

I'm looking forward to hosting your show.

Well, we'd be honored.

I think there are still so many decisions we'd have to make.

I'm hearing episode five.

What are the boys upstairs loving?

Affiliates?

Aint it up.

Well, they're the real boss.

Right.

Well, it is a late show.

Are you sooner for midnight?

At 67, I still feel like a 20-year-old.

Unfortunately, there's never one around.

Your reputation precedes you.

Yeah, by about 11 inches.

Excuse me a second.

Any sign of Belushi?

Uh, John?

I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?

Leave him as Francis' paperwork.

That's strange. Don't look into it.

Lauren, I can only imagine what must be running through your mind before,

no matter how improbable, that you might not take it to there.

That didn't even occur to me.

Really?

I heard that you were having some technical difficulties.

None that I know of.

(Screams)

I just heard that your writers were stoned.

Your actors were physically assaulting each other.

(Screams)

The sound system was down.

What the hell is happening?

And the fire broke out earlier.

(Screams)

I've been doing this job a long time. I've seen it all.

I'm sure you have it all under control.

A minor issue is already addressed.

That's really sure. This whole conversation is a soothing shower in early...

Good, good. Look, if for some reason you can't block your script

or commit your cast to legally binding contracts,

rest assured, the country will be happy to watch Johnny Cash.

Well, we could always play the tape of dress rehearsal.

Worst case scenario?

That's not the worst case.

(Door opens)

Look me, that's a lot of cards.

Yeah, what's the fastest you can do you set top to bottom?

Five minutes.

Yeah, me too. Could you do it in four?

Probably.

Yeah, me too.

So, they're gonna offer us three.

But we gotta draw the line at four, all right?

Okay. I wanna do the show.

No, we're doing the show. We just can't get jerked around, that's all.

But we're doing the show?

Of course we're doing the show. We just gotta be in this together.

Okay.

Neil, sweeties, everything looks great in here.

(Knocking)

Special ovary for Neil and Amy.

Flowers.

What'd you think of that, Graham?

Neil, I'm sorry.

Neil, it's your mother, I wrote by the door.

Oh, I have to keep you in the door.

Hey, Neil, buddy, you breaking out in there?

Oh, God.

I took a hit in the departure mode.

All right, whose dress was it?

One of the horn players.

Oh, degenerates.

It's a potent dragon you're riding there, kid.

What you smoked was a sacred strain from the Isan Plateau of Thailand, I believe.

But that's Plateau of Thailand.

Make no mistake about it, that stick's probably stronger than a bull elephant.

But listen, we're all a little freaked out, so...

I'm freaked out.

Why don't you come out and we can check on

your face, make sure it's not inside out, okay?

Come on.

Show us your face, Neil.

Show us the face.

Come on.

Show us the face.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm not giving up.

You're gonna be fine, we'll fix you up with

some amphetamines, we'll be fit as a plate.

You might even like the stuff.

Cocaine.

Robert Louis Stevenson actually did some of his best writing on the nose cam.

Oh, Bobby.

A lot of people know that.

Yeah.

He was a big freak from the writing.

Hey!

We need everyone in Toga's.

Everyone down to the eighth floor now.

Whoo-hoo!

[screaming] [screaming]

I wanted a Toga!

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming] [laughing]

Hey, you're moving.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming] [screaming] [screaming] [screaming]

[screaming]

Hey, I'm good.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Rocky, there's no way these kids are going to

hit their mark, so you better be wide enough

to catch them all.

We got that?

Hey, did Rosie tell you what she wants for her credit?

Oh, uh, she was of two minds.

Mm-hmm.

What is this?

Why are you king of Carson?

Who is that?

I think that's Tony Curtis.

That's pretty normal right before a live show, right, Dave?

Yeah, if anything goes wrong, we bump the tape.

See?

Right.

Lord, Lord, we found the lighting director.

Great.

Great.

Go get him.

No, he's lighting a show right now, so we'll take some massaging.

Oh, we don't have any.

What floor?

It's down on the sixth floor, some variety show.

Any news from coming?

Uh...

Uh, say, "Lone, this is the bath time."

Perfect time, Garrett.

Okay, I've been thinking, why did you hire me?

You're cheap.

Really?

I'm being ironical, Garrett.

All right.

What the fuck?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Garrett.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I'm just, uh...

I'm just trying to figure out exactly what it is I am doing here.

Oh, what do you mean?

Oh, you know, I just...

I just can't help but feeling a little bit like an outsider.

Because you're so much older.

Huh?

I went to Juilliard.

Been on Broadway. I'm a published playwright.

Man, they got me buzzing around here in a goddamn bee suit

and waving a gun around like I'm some kind of hoodlum.

These are not my strengths, man.

I am being underutilized, which makes me ponder.

What am I doing here?

You know how many operas I've done?

I have no idea.

She, while daddy and the ring were eating Froot Loops,

I was performing La Traviata in Italian.

You dig?

Of course, I dig.

But, uh...

no one is saying they can't sing on the show.

Right?

Where's the robs room?

Down on the right.

[drumming]

Oh, pardon me.

[drumming]

And three, two...

Two, seven, eight, and one.

Five, six, uh-oh.

Smile.

[drumming]

[drumming]

Hey!

Look at that.

You got your ass prepped to cupcake lights and bring up the glitter, Carl.

Carl?

I have a job offer.

It comes with no guarantees, no perks, and no weekends.

How's the pay?

That's the worst part.

What the fuck?

You started right now.

Rosie, you seen Jackie?

Sorry.

Knock, knock.

Hi.

Hi, stud. Can I see?

You get Chevy to do this one.

Oh, no way. You look so sexy.

These can't be the right size.

Yeah, you're right. They should be a little bit smaller.

Just feels like it's a lot of leg.

You're getting hot stuff. You're gonna melt every TV in America.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, yeah.

You know, ma'am, you're dealing with a fully qualified maelstrom in here.

Oh, ma'am?

I've actually got a work order stating I

should be Roger and you around Lee right now.

I've never seen John.

Um, uh, no, I haven't seen him.

Danny? Have you seen John?

John. Uh, well, John's an anarchist and an Illinois alpha male.

What does that mean?

Oh, uh, well, see, boss, you and I, if we were to enter this space,

we'd be like 15th century peasants walking into the Vatican,

but Belushi's a whole other animal.

He's a skeptic and a sinner.

If you put a hooli hands a wrecky.

He's at the bar next door.

Uh, um, Barbara's still asking about your credit on the show.

Whatever you think.

It's your name, Rose.

Did you know we got him that far?

We'd like to help, but, uh, we're rooting for the guy.

Well, at least you're large Senate.

Hey, you seen Jacqueline, my fiance?

No, I haven't seen shit.

Ladies, you seen Jacqueline.

You seen activities.

All right, Jane, you're playing.

We're skipping Ancient Greece and we're moving into the break room.

Ladies and each and each hot nuts.

Okay, right now.

I am one.

Are we good? Is, uh, is he all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Danny, I mean, whatever's going on between you

and me is the last thing on his mind right now.

So the man doesn't wrestle with the green-eyed monster?

Hardly. I mean, look, I've known Lauren since I had toilet paper tits.

One day he just followed me up from school and I never shook him.

Pretty sure you'd be arrested for that.

Look out, Rosie!

Oh, sorry, miss.

Anyways, I don't know.

Lauren lost his dad when he was 14 and his mom sold everything.

And so he spent a whole year without furniture.

So when I first met him, I thought, "He's just

a stray looking for a spare piece of carpet."

Like, he wants to be part of my family and I'm the kid's sister or something.

But then, hormones?

Turns out I'm not the kid's sister.

And so we start dating and I think, "Okay, he wants to build a family with me."

And we get married, we buy a house.

I mean, no ring.

I think those are pretty stupid, but Glynons in China.

And then it turns out I'm not the kid's sister or the wife.

So who are you?

I'm the writer.

And who's he?

We take you now to a real woman.

Oh, Cuba! Can I get you behind the locker?

Okay. Yeah.

And try sitting like men.

Oh, yeah. Perfect. Okay. Hair and makeup. Clear.

Clearing. Please get the fuck out. Thank you. Okay.

And action!

Now that you've mastered all the technical

know-how, I think it's time we work on your sidewalk skits.

All right.

Daniel over here has kindly offered to aid us in a live demonstration.

Come on out, Danny.

Danny, enter.

No, you've got to take off the robe.

I can lose it on the day I figured out where it is.

No, you can lose the robe right now.

She looks her too short.

Oh!

Now when a little piece of heaven, like Danny walks by...

Go strong.

Here's how you make a feel right at home.

Boom!

Boom!

Somebody come and give it up!

Okay, come on, Jane. Give it to me.

All right.

Hey, dreamboat.

What's the matter? Why don't you give me a little twirl?

Show me what you're working with.

[all cheering]

Okay, give it to him around.

Hey, stop muffins. Why don't I bounce you, bounce you?

Are we still doing the scene?

What are you talking to our boy? You're talking to me. Joy Jugs.

Jane character.

Hey.

All right.

You dropped something.

Oh.

Well, I guess I should just pick this up.

Oh, you got it, Danny!

[all cheering]

All right.

You're so cute with the name!

Okay, cut.

The shorts are too short, I told you.

There you go.

It's a great favorite.

Yes, Tom, Tom.

All right, everyone, moving on. Great rehearsal. Here we go.

We take you now to Ancient Greece as Alexander the Great.

Yes.

Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?

Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?

Hey, hon, they need us in Athens.

Jesus, who's this guy?

Chevy, Milton Dave to show you're back in 1956, isn't that neat?

She's taken.

What hours? I'll take the rest of the evening.

Excuse me?

He's kidding.

Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.

Oh, that's cute. I remember when you used to do comedy.

Funny, because I never heard of you.

That's probably the Alzheimer's.

What's the matter? Did you wander off onto an actual TV set?

Hey, darling, you're sitting in front of the ghost of television past.

This old man, he used to be an institution. Now he needs one.

If you want my comeback, you're gonna have

to scrape it off the back of your mom's teeth.

Jesus.

You're gonna laugh at that.

Listen, sweetheart, there's plenty more where that came from.

God.

Oh, do I have your attention?

I have two stars on the walk of fame.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, who gives a shit?

I went to 97% of America's television viewing audience.

That's not what they're gonna remember.

They're gonna remember Mr. Television.

Their Uncle Miltie.

Who the fuck are you, kid?

You're not a star.

You're barely in the fucking building.

You're not even a swinging dick.

Call me after he's done crying.

Are you shitting me?

Are you shitting me with this, guys?

Can you make a path as an actual comedian coming through a hole?

Wow. Look at these columns. I feel transported.

Oh.

Hey, George, how can I help?

So what is this?

Why am I dressed like a fucking towel boy from Caesars?

Well, I believe you're Alexander the Great.

It is, um...

Ten-year high school reunion.

Thank you, darling.

When Chevy asks what you've been up to, your response is,

"Ah, you know, mostly conquering the non-universe."

Right. And this is for television.

Mm-hmm. What's your concern, George?

My real concern is why I let my agent convince me to do your show.

Do you need some help with the script?

I just want to know where the humor is.

It's like a spruce goose. There's a lot of wood and no lift-off.

Well, I mean, we have...

Jesus Christ.

No, no, George, I hear you.

We want to make a work.

I think I understand the reason you might be struggling.

You see, these are scenes.

They were all around acting.

Michael.

And that must feel foreign when you're a

ponytail vulture feeding off the corpse of Lenny Bruce.

It's okay. He's right. You're right.

Because...

I wouldn't want to make these skits any worse than they actually are.

It's a great thing no one will be watching.

Enjoy your fucking little circle, jerk!

We already are.

Oh, your mom's here?

Well, he's in character.

Shit.

More great news! We figured it out. Ready?

Ta-da!

We caught the toker sketch.

Oh. Even without Alexander, we're still 30, either.

Maybe we don't need four musical performances,

or maybe we can trim one of the Harlem monologues.

What about now? Are we under now?

We can make it work.

One?

I know it's probably a bad time and all, but...

Valerie and I have been talking, and we can't

accept anything less than four minutes apiece.

So that's four minutes for me, four minutes for Valerie.

But we've just been working too hard on our

material to accept anything less, so it's...

Four minutes or nothing?

Well, I need two minutes.

You need me to cut two minutes off my sketch? I

could do that one. I mean, that's six minutes only.

No, I need two minutes of material.

It's two minutes or nothing.

Is this for real? Because...

I killed a dress.

I'm the only act that killed a dress. I can do the show.

Really? Can you make it work in two minutes?

I can't even set it up in two.

Then I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. It didn't work out.

Can you make it in two?

Yes.

Great.

Lauren! Lauren!

I was thinking.

Why don't we put...

Come back stronger next week. Debut with Paul Simon.

Badger, you've been thinking?

Listen, no one wants this show to succeed more than I do.

Is that so?

I mean, yeah. I hired you, Lauren.

I think it up the astronauts' network every day because I believe in this show.

And I'm telling you, we should run the dress

rehearsal and claw back a win next Saturday.

It's in everyone's best interest, mainly yours.

Sorry, was that a threat?

No. What? No.

Lauren, all I'm trying to do is give you advice.

25 minutes!

Thanks for the advice, but we can't. Dick, it's a live show.

No one's gonna know the difference.

We just can't.

Lauren, you need to start addressing your concept of what you can and cannot do.

We can't because there is no tape. I didn't record the dress rehearsal.

So don't have to argue about it.

You didn't what?

We just have to make it to air.

Lauren, I'm not gonna be able to protect you.

I'm used to that.

Oh, screw you. Do you know how much bullshit never

makes it to your ears because I'm the wall they hit?

Tell that to your polaroid rep. She's cute.

I'm sorry. You need a sponsor for a show that can't pull a single advertiser.

You know they're giving out the ads for free.

NBC is lucky to have something as relevant as the show.

Lauren, they don't even want it.

That's logical, Dick. That's why they're paying us all to be here.

They want you to fail. They're betting on it.

Really?

NBC makes more money playing ruins of the Tonight Show, eh?

So why don't they?

It's a contract dispute.

Lauren, I mean, they're trying to prove to

Johnny Carson that the reruns are inevitable,

so they built a show that was guaranteed to fail.

I mean, Lauren, 90 minutes of live television by a

group of 20-year-olds who have never made anything.

Do you ever stop and wonder why they said yes?

A counterculture show starring total unknowns

with zero narrative and even less structure.

Are you that fucking arrogant that you never even questioned this?

Now look, you want to know what's going to happen at 11.30 tonight, okay?

Your actors will be on their marks. Bands tuned up, all ready to go.

Joe will be hollering out the countdown, and you'll be in the control room,

and Dave Tebbe will be standing probably right next to you.

And when those screens go black, he will raise

his big-ass, jeweled-up index finger and say,

"Go to Carson, and that will be that."

You blew it.

You blew it.

And listen, I know you all make fun of me and my clothes behind my back,

but when I'm killing myself for this show, also, pull the radio score.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Oh shit, Lauren.

It worked!

Nice work, fellas.

A little heavy on the flow, but very funny.

Sorry about the clothes.

And your face.

Art is but a measure of sacrifice and tears.

Not quite ready for tonight, but I'll keep it on a special list.

Special list?

Lobby.

This an okay time?

Ideal?

Look, I know what people say when they see a man with his arm up a-muppet,

but this isn't just kid stuff.

I believe deep in my heart that there is

room for high-stakes puppetry on grown-up TV,

and I get the sense that some of the

writers on the 17th floor don't share that dream.

You didn't like the pages?

There were no pages.

It's a fair criticism.

For show.

For show, sir.

For show.

Oh, you can take a slip, guys. For show.

That's still young?

Alright, let's go in.

Thank you.

Lone Island.

There's the people park.

Hello?

[music]

The enjoyable thing they've done to America, even

though my great-grandfather actually fought for some award,

he fought for the West.

Jesus Christ.

He's drunk. He's in front of the bench.

The jokes and say we brought you in for drink.

And the drunk goes, "Great, what do we have?"

That's not the punch.

Jesus fucking bullshit.

What's happening here?

I get paid seven bucks in joke if it gets a laugh,

which Puts has taken bulletproof material and flown it with lead.

You wrote his jokes?

Yeah, I wrote things that vaguely resemble the things that he's saying.

Why didn't you just perform them yourself?

Look at me. This is how much I sweat offstage.

I get home from work the other night.

I see my wife in bed with my best friend.

I say to him, I go, "I have to, but you?"

Oh my God.

How many have in here?

About 1,100. There's single space.

Sorry, do you mind if I go through?

Bring us the next comedian.

Go for it.

I'm sure you'll hate him too.

Move.

That was fucking rough shit, crowds.

Yeah, that was it.

Hey, come on. What's with the quarters?

Well, I changed the punch line from 46 to 49 for the

line about to be with much bigger laugh, by the way,

so that means I only owe you 350.

You want a job?

That would be great.

I want a length of rope and a sturdy beam.

How much do you need to live?

Like three bucks an hour in my day job.

Tell him what you really do.

Tell him.

He's the deli boy, okay?

He's a schmuck in a little paper hack who slices the pastrami behind the counter,

and you can barely do that.

Tell him what you did to your face.

You're hired.

Lorne Michaels.

He's not helping.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You'd be better off buying the pastrami.

Let's go.

Wait, what? When do we start?

Um, Jesus Christ.

You can't. You better not leave.

This is not going to be good for you.

I was going to take you to Reno.

Oh, look at that form.

Beautiful.

Do you ever have nostalgia for a moment while you're still in it?

I mean, like, you're in the moment, but you're also looking back on it.

Like, right now, I'm here, but I'm also

thinking about this moment 20 years from now.

We're walking by this ice rink.

Uh, Mary's Christmas, and our kids are dragging us by our face.

And we got presents loaded on our shoulders, and all we

can think about is this moment right before we went on TV.

You know, the NBC Liability Act was originally from ice skating.

I found John.

Oh, excellent, Lorne.

Good thing I didn't sign my contract.

What's the deal, John?

You on the show or not?

Lorne, it gets dressed up like a giant grotesque bee?

I don't know. Let me ask my childhood dreams.

I want to try a triple axel.

Now, how about a single axel?

I figure I can either pull off a triple or die trying.

Those are the options?

Okay, John, I support it.

Oh, God.

He's gonna break something.

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck.

John?

Yes.

Fuck.

Are you okay?

You all right? I yield.

I accept your surrender.

Do you want me to help you up?

No, I'm just gonna lie here for a minute.

Okay, sure. Yeah.

We have all the time in the world.

Who is that asshole anyway?

It's Prometheus.

He stole fire from the cauldron of the gods, gave it to man,

so he could have science and the arts.

Oh.

All right, I'm gonna head back up.

We have a show to put on him.

I'd like to be there when I get fired.

I'd hope to see you there too, John.

Hey.

Hey.

Heard you needed a quick change from the last act.

Thank you.

What did you guys say when I get up there?

How should I know?

You're the writer.

You're the talker.

You're the pale-off-the-grain.

Sorry. Rose, I wrote the offended if you don't want to use my last name.

It's not your last name, Lipowitz.

Whoa.

Check it out. Full house, right?

What did you tell them?

Well, I kind of had a lie a little bit, but the vibes are really good.

Can we start to let them in?

All right. Five minutes, guys. Ten minutes tops.

Let's keep these vibes going.

Adequate.

Adequate.

Can you imagine being first up?

Opening the show and all.

Millions of people trying to decide.

How they want to spend their Saturday night.

What's the first thing they see?

No logo, no intro.

No, just a close-up of your pretty face.

Nah.

Nah, who gives a fuck, right?

Yeah, it's just a bunch of animals watching their lava lamps.

They're gonna do great.

Yeah. Fuck off.

We're pulling for you.

Break a leg.

You the writer Lauren found in a bar?

It's a slightly romantic video of the story, but yeah, I guess so.

All right.

Well, jump on in, Portersmore.

Okay.

Okay, quiet, please.

Work stops now.

We're home for a sound check.

Who wants to do the sound check?

Garrett, don't you know a song?

Who?

Um.

Uh, you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm

gone.

Get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.

I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.

When I kill all the whities I see,

Then whities won't bother me.

Get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.

I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see

I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.

When I kill all the whities I see,

Why did he want to bother me?

Go!

got to kill all the whities

I'm gonna kill all the white guys

I'm gonna kill all the white guys

I see

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

(audience chattering)

(audience applauding)

(audience chattering)

Gentlemen, how long have you been standing there?

Long enough.

Lorne, we need to let the audience in.

Oh, you don't?

(audience laughing)

Perhaps you'll keep it sound quite ready for front time.

What are you talking about?

Look around, Lorne.

You haven't locked a script.

Your actors are missing.

Your crew is in open rebellion.

(audience laughing)

I didn't mean laughing at you in Burbank.

Burbank, excuse me?

This is New York fucking City.

Who is she?

She's complicated.

We have a hell of a show.

We have two bands.

We have seven of the brightest comedy minds alive.

Do you even know where they are?

Most of them, yes.

Maybe just try again next Saturday.

Don't do that, come on.

Everybody in this room has been killing themselves

to make something special, to make something innovative

and actually good for a change.

For a change?

Don't tell me that you've been doing this so long

that you can't even recognize the potential for greatness

when it's right in front of your face.

Do you even know what this show is?

Tell me. Show me what?

Show me Saturday night.

Are we alive unless--

Ten minutes!

No you don't.

Show me.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

Mr. Trouble never hangs around

When he hears the sound of a song

He's a little bit more than a song He's a little bit more than a song He's a little bit more than a song When he hears this mighty sound

Here I come to save the day

That means that mighty must

And his own away

So though we are in danger

We never despair

Cause we know that birth is danger

He is the one

He is the one

On the land of the sea

In the air

We're not born

(audience laughing)

Here I come to save the day

(audience laughing)

Andy, you're a genius.

Save your voice.

Well, on Weekend Update.

Weekend Update!

Okay. Go!

All right, you take it.

What do you mean?

Show me his face.

Are you sure?

You were born for this.

Trust me.

Should I make up a name for the news anchor?

Oh, use Chevy Chase.

No one will believe it.

Here we are.

Hey, remember this.

When you look into the lens,

you're making eye contact with America.

And now Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.

They don't.

What are you wearing?

Is that why I hear purring?

What do you got for me?

It's my favorite.

Good evening.

Good evening.

I'm Chevy Chase.

The post office announced today

that it's going to issue a stamp

commemorating prostitution in the United States.

It's a 10 cent stamp,

but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.

(audience laughing)

All right, everyone.

Eight minutes to showtime.

Open the doors.

Oh, thank God.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston.

Breakfast with folks, you're in for a real treat.

Yeah!

(upbeat music)

Nothing, nothing leaves nothing

You gotta have something.

Lord, do you remember Carl?

Carl.

Ooh, Carl, have you ever used one of these before?

Not once.

No picking up in no time.

You gotta have something

If you want to be with me

Come on, guys, grab a brick.

Let's try to be your hero

Cause that's the hero

It's too cold for me

Let's try to be your hero

I heard you needed pages.

Oh, thanks, Mike.

It's too low to see

Come on.

Oh, no.

Big question, what is a golden shower?

Oh, it's a yoga ritual in which practitioners

screed the new day by allowing the golden rays of sun

to-- Shower.

Over their skin and warm their chocolates.

That's a California thing.

I've had at least 50 golden showers.

You heard him, Joan.

Sign the damn strip, we're going to air.

Nothing, nothing, nothing

You gotta have something

If you want to be with me

Don't you remember I told you

That I'm a soldier

You heard him, Wes and Kay,

bring Model 19 combat magnum, Wally, you son of a bitch.

Hey, you asked.

Wally, my man, you got something for me?

Yes, you do.

George, I want you to apologize for how you were treated.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you having a stroke?

Uh.

You need more cup?

Uh.

I'm a danny.

Come on, come on, guys.

Watch your fingers.

Come on, guys.

Oh, boy.

Block jaw.

It's too much cocaine.

It's season up the old Minded Mueller's.

Let's get some fingerloan in there, huh?

Yeah, a little bit of this will be fine.

Okay, great.

Here we go.

There we go.

Nothing for nothing.

Nothing for nothing.

Can you get that wig in 30 seconds?

It's got a bust.

Has the heads in gone as pages?

Love them.

And will that crane get there?

We'll, huh?

Should you trim the fan on that?

I'm ready on key parts.

Lorraine, I don't think you can make the change.

Whoa.

I stand corrected.

Is that our show?

That's our show.

Three minutes.

Let's go.

Come on!

Come on!

Finally!

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston.

[cheering]

I don't want to see this.

Photo!

Photo!

I want a photo!

I did not get the photo!

No, no, no, no, no, we're not going there.

It's a small car!

Come on! You need to sit after this.

Come on!

I'm not leaving until I get my photo.

Come on!

I guess everybody go ahead there.

What?

Do we have a camera?

I have a camera.

Chris, come here!

All right, 60 seconds.

Come on, everyone.

Let's go, please.

One minute.

One minute.

What are we using it for again?

I don't really--

Sorry.

Thanks.

Rocky, wake up!

Okay, come on.

Please.

Oh, uh, Rosie, we need your last name for the credits.

Oh, sure, sure.

She has a character.

40 seconds!

Can we get a mic check, please?

Um, one, two, um, three--

Somebody's got their hips.

20 seconds.

It's called an Acosta.

Yeah, thanks.

I was on a teeter and jack-hip.

Mr. Collin, may we get a mic check?

One, two, thank you.

Subtle.

Are the cars still queued for dead roll?

Are we going live or going to tape?

Free roll on BTR-14.

I think I rolled six.

I think I rolled six.

Ready on the fade.

Are we going live or going to tape?

Two.

Go live.

Okay, go live.

Go live!

Straight up and we are live!

Ready camera one? Take camera one.

Cue Belushi.

Cue John.

Where's John?

Why the hell is A?

Cue John!

(knocking)

(knocking)

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Let us begin.

Repeat after me.

I would like.

I would like.

To feed your fingertips.

To feed your fingertips.

To the Wolverines.

To the Wolverines.

To the Wolverines. To the Wolverines.

Next.

I am afraid.

I am afraid.

We are out.

We are out.

Of badgers.

Of badgers.

Would you accept.

Would you accept.

A Wolverine.

A Wolverine.

In its place.

In its place.

Next.

Hey, Net Exclaimed.

Hey, Net Exclaimed.

Let's boil.

Let's boil.

The Wolverines.

The Wolverines.

Next.

To.

To.

Live from New York, it's Saturday night.