All language subtitles for Modern Problems

(on TV) Oh. Do you know
what the magic monkey says,
boys and girls?

It's make-believe time.
And you know what that means-

all the big people
in the room have to leave.

That's right. You can't take
part in make-believe time.

Only the little people.

So if you're over ten years
old, we want you to leave
the room,

so that the little people
can take part in make-believe
time. OK?

All right, we're gonna
play the music now

for make-believe time.
When that music...

Let's go, Pete.
Coffee break's over.

We got some birds
that wanna come down.

OK, Mr. Music Man,
play the music.

(* march)

OK. Old favorites there.
OK, bye-bye.

OK, there goes Mary Lou.
OK, bye-bye.

OK. All the big people
in the room,

that's the end of the music.

Supervisor here.

He lost you?
Oh, that's a bummer.

All right, I'll see
if I can get you on a visual.

Air Brazil, your baggage door
is open after takeoff.

Passenger luggage is dropping
along the Van Wyck Expressway

heading 240 west.

What happened?

Hold on a second.

What do you got coming in,
in the next five minutes?

Oh, a couple of Braniffs,
an Ozark L-10
and a late Concord.

All I got is a jumbo jet
and a little Cessna from Miami.

Do you wanna trade?
What's the catch?

Uh, the pilot
in the Cessna is dead.
No deal.

Negative. Air Brazil,
just explain that the bags

are temporarily undergoing
special handling. Over.
Roger.

What else?

Chicken, ham and cheese,
deviled egg,

and, uh... (sniffs)

a Reuben.

Got any tuna?
I don't know.

This is Air France inbound
from Tunis coming in at 325.

3.50.
Hold, Air France.
3.50 for tuna?

Copy your correction.
Coming in at 350 from Tunis.

Not you, Tunis. Maintain 325.

3.50, Max.
Take it or leave it.

OK. First remove the body
from the pilot seat.

How's it going, Pete?

Great. Thanks.
See you next week.

You turn left, you go left.
You turn right, you go right.

You pull up, you go up.
You push down, you go down.

What could be simpler, huh?
Hey, you're a pilot.

(* "Gonna Get it Next Time")

* Temptation, frustration

* It's getting hard
to understand

* Inflation, stagnation

* Problems surrounding
modern man

* Big city, no pity

* It's just a thing
you can't erase

* She's pretty, so witty

* If only you could see her face

* She's got you dancin'
on a dime

* She's got you runnin'
till you're blind

* Gonna get it next time

* Statistics, logistics

* They never tell you
what to feel

* The big fix, the cheap tricks

* They never tell you
what is real

* You keep on hoping
that you'll find

* A way to ease
your troubled mind

* Your modern problems
are very real

* Suspicion, ambition

* You go on living day to day

* Position, condition

* There's got to be a better way

* She's got you
dancin' on a dime

* She's got you runnin'
till you're blind

* They never I tell you
what to feel

* Your modern problems
are very real

* Illusion, confusion

* It's hard to know
what to believe

* Solution, pollution

* It's such a tangled web
we weave

* You keep on hopin'
that you'll find

* A way to ease
your troubled mind

* There's always
somebody else in line

* Gonna get it next time *

(phone ringing)

Hi, this is Darcy and Max.

We can't come
to the phone right now

because, one, we're not home;
two, we're busy fighting;

or three, we're in bed.
(laughing)

(Max) It's three. It's three.

Hello?

(tape rewinding)

(beep)

Hello, Mr. Fiedler.
This is Jack calling.

(continues distorted)

(beep)

Max, it's-it's Darcy.

By now you've probably
noticed I've moved out,

and this time
I've really had it.

I just can't live with
your crazy jealousy anymore.

Paying waiters to spy on me
at business lunches,

calling my mother
if I don't get home by 7:30.

And today I find a Radio Shack
bugging device in my purse.

I just can't understand
why you won't trust me.
Good-bye.

(beep)

Max, it's me again.
I took the cat,

but I couldn't figure out
how to pack the kitty litter,

so I left it,
but it's pretty clean.

Please don't try to call me
because my phone won't be
hooked up until Monday.

(beep)

(buzzing/beeping)

Hi, Darcy. It's Max.
I'll be home at six.

And, uh, to make up for
that argument last night,

I'll take us both out to
a nice dinner at Dubrovnik's.

OK? Bye, hon.

Ah, Mr. Fiedler, welcome.
But where is Miss Darcy tonight?

Uh, she couldn't make it
tonight, Dubrovnik.

Oh, and I saved scraps
for her cat.

The cat couldn't
make it, either.

The cat couldn't make it,
either! Now, that's a good one.

The cat couldn't
make it, either.

Your regular table?

Uh, not tonight, Dubrovnik.
I'm not exactly feeling regular.

(laughs) Not feeling regular.

You sure are in a good mood
tonight, Mr. Fiedler.

Shall I have Ari
bring you your usual?

Uh, no, just the menu
will be fine.

Of course, Mr. Fiedler.
Enjoy yourself.

Thank you.

(* violin)

Mr. Fiedler,
is everything all right?

Oh, everything's fine,
Dubrovnik.

I'm just not hungry tonight.

I understand.
Here's something for pussy.

What?

Scraps, for Miss Darcy's cat.

Oh. Oh, thank you,
Dubrovnik. Good night.

Good night.
Good night, Mr. Fiedler.

Darcy, from now on,

I'm gonna do everything
in my power

to control myself and prove
to you that I trust you.

Thank you, hon.

Hi, Max.

I came to see you because
I felt really guilty

about leaving
without saying good-bye.

I'm sorry it didn't
work out between us.

And I-I want you to know that

even after all
we've been through...

I love you.

Look, I realize we haven't been
communicating a lot lately,

and, um... I think we should.

I think so, too.

OK, good.

Do you, uh, want me to start?

Yeah, you start.

OK. I will.

Good. OK.

You, uh, want me to start.

I mean, you're sure you want
to, uh, you want me to start.

Never mind. Good night, Max.

Darcy!

Damn it! What is
the matter with me?

Great.

Great, great.

You're in a great mood,
you know?

I can't believe
she's doing this.

Well, I could see it coming.

Oh, came on, Lorraine.
Give me a break.

I'm not your husband anymore.

Darcy and I are very close.

I know. When you're
not bugging her.

What do you want?
She spends more time

eating out with strange men
than with me.

She is a buyer at Saks.
She has to meet with salesmen.

It's her job!

She loves you. You just
drive everybody away, Max.

Mm-hmm. So how come you
still put up with me?

You owe me $1500.

You want something to drink?
I don't think so.

Um, I'll just have
a sip of yours, OK?

I got an idea. Let's go to
your place for dinner tonight.

OK. Maybe you'll get lucky.
I'm horny.

With my luck, I'd pick up
herpes on the way over.

Negativity. This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

It's very negative.

Look at this guy.

Somethin', isn't it?
Now, see, he could
teach you something.

It's amazing.

Well, I'll be a striped-ass ape!
Max Fiedler!

Brian? Wow.

How are you,
you old egg-sucker?

Damn, you look good.

How long's it been?
Not since high school, huh?

Say, where are my manners?

This is Dorita.
She's from Port-au-Prince.

Hi.
Hi.

How do you do?

Oh, Lorraine, this is Brian
Stills, an old friend of mine
from high school.

Brian, this is
my ex-wife, Lorraine.

Pleased to meet you, Lorraine.

Nice to meet you, Brian.

Admiring the old skateboard?

I got my ass blown off in Nam.

Crazy damn thing.
I was loving this little girl.

She was hiding ammo,
for the Cong under the bed.

I lit a cigarette, woke up
in the hospital with medals
all over the place.

God, talk about sex
with fireworks.

Jesus, Lorraine.
No, it's funny, really.

You look good. Come here.

Get down here
where I can give you a hug.

Good to see you.

Come on, let's keep moving.
I don't wanna cool down.

OK.

So, Max, what are you up to?

Oh, I'm an air traffic
controller.

Heavy job. My hat's
off to you, Max.

Hey, did you ever have a crash?

A crash? No, no, no crashes.
Not yet. Nope.

Well, how come with
all those crashes,
they never hit the tower?

Oh, I guess they could
if they wanted to.

Uh-huh.

So, what do you do, Brian?

Well, have you ever heard of
Inner Expansion Press?

Uh-uh.
Sounds familiar.

Well, it's my own little
publishing house.
Really?

I'll tell you, buddy-
I'm hell on wheels.

We even handle Mark Winslow.
Can you believe that?

Mark Winslow?
Yeah.

You're kidding.
Who's Mark Winslow?

He's that guy.
Don't you ever read?

You know, he wrote that book,

Get Behind Me and Stay There.
Wow!

Hey, why don't you two
come to a little press party

we're having tonight for
his latest book? Huh?

You're kidding!
For Mark Winslow?

That should be the party
of the year. Great!

Uh, well, uh, Lorraine's fixing
dinner at her place tonight.

What, are you kidding?
We'd love to be there, Brian.

Great! Listen, I'll
give you the address.
OK.

I think you're gonna like it.
We're planning something
very special.

Ooh.

Here you are.
Thank you.

Well, come on. We gotta go,
'cause I don't know what
in the world I'm gonna wear.

See you tonight, OK?
Thanks a lot, Brian.

Good to see you again, Brian.
See you tonight.

OK, Dorita, once more
around the park.

Gosh sakes.

Are you sure this
is the right address?

Yeah, 159. It's what
Brian wrote. Come on.

Wow. We shall see.

(* disco)

Look at those biceps!

Wrong place. Let's go.
Max, up here!

Oh, there they are!
Up there. Come on.

Come on!

Lorraine...

Honey, look at me.
You're gonna be just fine.

Now relax. Have a good time.
Come on.

(Max) Hey. Pardon you.

Sorry. Pardon you.

All right, baby!
(wolf-whistle)

I'm with her.
Evening, Father.

Looks good.

Hi.
Howdy.

Lorraine, Max!
I'm really glad you're here.

Such an interesting place
to hold a press party.

Oh, that's Mark's idea.

He's not gay
or anything like that.

He just says he really
respects these people

because they have the courage to
openly express their sexuality.

Mark's amazing that way.

Always one step ahead
of the Village Voice.

Where's the bathroom?
Down there.

Oh, Jesus.
Do you want my gun?

Uh-uh.
Just kidding.
Don't worry about those guys.

You're not their type.

I guess I'll be all right.
I'll see you in a minute.

All right.

Well, come on,
let's get a drink.

All right.

Sorry.

Sorry. Can I get through?
Excuse me.

Yeah. Great, uh-huh.
Excuse me.

Thank you very much.
Enjoyed it. Thank you.

What's happened to the real men?

I've never had any complaints.

Yeah, I bet you haven't.
I mean, look at you.

You own your own business.
You make some men's careers

and break others,
and all from a wheelchair.

I really respect that.

Well, thank you.

I respect a woman
who respects me.

Coming through. Excuse me.

No, thanks. Next dance, maybe.

Oh, God, Max.
Darcy, what are
you doing here?

I got depressed, so Barry
suggested I get out of
the apartment.

Small world, huh?

How you doin', Max?

Uh, you, uh, come
here often, do ya?

No, no, I'm just-I'm just
here for the book thing
upstairs.

I don't know any
of these people.

Oh, great. Mark Winslow has
been my mentor for years.

I'm glad I have this opportunity
for Darcy to meet him.

Well, come on, let's go on up.

Are you here with somebody?
Lorraine.

Oh, good. That's good.

Yeah. We have a lot in common.

Running into each other like
this is kind of a bummer,
isn't it, Max?

I'll say.
Hey, don't hit me, Max. OK?

Barry.
Sorry.

I, uh, I tend to laugh
in painful situations.

Listen, it's OK with you

if Darcy and I mingle,
isn't it, Max?

What?
Mingle. Can we, um...?

Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.
She's your date.

Thanks. Come on.

OK. Well, we'll talk
later, right, Max?

Yeah, I'm OK. I'm OK.
We'll talk later.

Thank you.
Listen, you want anything?

No, that's OK.

Can I have
a Tom Collins, please?

(Lorraine) Well, I actually
haven't read all of any of
them.

Have you read any
of all of them?

You know I haven't.

Oh, Max! Come here.
I want you to meet somebody.

Oh, sorry.

You want to pick
a direction, then move.

Max! I see you've met
Mark Winslow,
my best-selling author.

Hi.
Hi.

You ought to do yourself a favor
and read his stuff.

Either that or be a victim
all your life.

Hey.

What's the matter, honey?
What?

Uh, you look a little green.
Are you all right?
What's the matter?

Oh, uh, Darcy's here
with that asshole Barry.

Who's Barry?

Some hotshot theatrical producer
who she claims is an old friend.

He always manages to show up
when there are problems
between us. You know.

Oh, shoot. What a ball-buster.
Are you gonna be OK?

Oh, yeah. I think
things'll be OK.
Good.

Well, not necessarily.

What seems to be
the problem here?

Well, his girlfriend moved out
on him yesterday

and she took everything
in the apartment

and now she's here
with some guy.

That's fair enough.

She wanted it, she took it,
he let her.

How do you feel about it, Max?

I don't know. Uh...

See, I would hope you'd come
to the healthy conclusion

she's a manipulating bitch.

Well, I don't think
that's necessary.

You have to understand life
sucks, so why not be a schmuck?

You see, we haven't really,
uh, broken up yet. Uh...

It sounds to me like
this gal's about to

hang your butt
to her rearview mirror.

Um... I think things
will work out OK.

Well, suit yourself.

Could you excuse us?
Excuse me.

Listen, honey, um,

I'm a little bummed out
by this whole Darcy thing.

I, uh... Can we go?

Honey, why don't you go?
I'm gonna stay. OK?

I think I'm gonna talk with
Brian for a little while.

I'm sorry. But what can I say?

He just rolled into my life
like a ton of bricks.

Uh, well, uh,
that-that's great.

Nothing worse than a possessive
ex-husband around, I guess.

Oh, you're a saint.

Listen, I got a lot of thinking
to do and stuff, anyway.

I'll just take a drive
and everything'll be fine.

Have a good time.
Great.

All right, honey.
Bye.

Be careful.

Poor guy. He's a prince
who thinks he's a frog.

(honks)

(honks)

(honking)

New York Control,
this is Air Paranoia 104.

I'm blocked up. Request
permission to land. Over.

(Darcy) Affirmative, Max.
I'm sorry you're blocked up.

The runway will be
cleared for you

as soon as you give me
your exact position.

Negative. How can I tell you
my exact position?

I just told you I'm blocked up.

Come on, Max.
Give me your position.

I can't!

I love you.

Hold on, Max.
I've been holding
all my life!

Darcy, please!
I can't hold much longer!

Yo! I'm in trouble here!

I'm sorry.
You've lost your turn.

You'll have to get
to the top of the stack.

Look, Darcy, you'll have
to help! I'm going down!

I'm going down!

So are we, Max. So are we.

Darcy, you've gotta
help me, please!

I can't get my landing gear up!
Please, Darcy!

I'm going down!
My arms are killing me!

(Darcy moaning/panting)
Please, Darcy!

Give me an open runway!

Help!

Darcy! Help!

(over radio) Good morning.
Mike Michaels mike-side here.

What do you do
in the morning to wake up?

You're on the air.
What's your name?

Uh, Larry.
Hi, Larry.

What do you do
in the morning to wake up?

I roll over and give
my girlfriend a kiss.

She's the greatest.

Hey, that's great, Larry.
Give her one for me, OK?

Good morning. You're on the
air. What's your name and
what do you do to wake up?

I'm Shannon and I do
15 minutes of nude dancing

every morning in my bedroom.

Hey, Shannon, need a partner?
Hey, hey.

Good morning.
You're on the air.

Hi, Mike. This is
Milton Brenner.

What do you do when you wake up?

Well, when I get up and then
my slippers are always there,
right by the bed,

so I put 'em on, and then
if I'm not wearing pajamas,
I put those on

and get my robe on,
and I go out in the morning,

and, uh, I go out to the porch,

and sometimes the paper's
not on the porch,

so I kinda have to
go out on the lawn.

You know, you get your feet wet
if you don't have slippers on,

which is why I always
put them on.

(Mike) Hey, hey, you're on
the air. Who am I talking to?

Uh, Mike. I scream, man.

Swell, Mike. Let me hear it.

Aah!

Oh, come on, Mike.
You can do better than that.
Let's go!

Aah!

I can't hear you.
One more time.

Aah!

Hey, rock and roll...

(laughs) That's it! 21-6.

Nice try on that last one, Max.

You really sucked out there.

How come?

I don't know.
I guess my mind wasn't on it.

Like hell.
I think you're ticked off

'cause I boffed Lorraine
last night.

Oh, no. I didn't know
anything about that.

No, that's great. I'm glad
you two are hitting it off.

You got a right to be pissed
off. I was a little pushy.

But I gotta tell ya,
I think the world of her.

So go on. Cuss me out.
I'm a pal.

Brian...
Get it off your chest.

I'm starting to see things
move... in thin air.

Like this morning, I think
I caused Darcy's coffee cup

to slide across
the table and crash.

And then everything around me,
shaking and quaking and...

You trashed the place
'cause you're mad at
this Daisy chick, right?

No, no, Brian. I did it,
but I didn't touch anything.

Look, we all think we have
some kind of monster inside us

that's ready to explode
any minute.

You break things. I masturbate.

So what? Same difference.

Sure you're not upset about
me schtuping Lorraine?

(* piano)

* Di Spagna sei la bella

* Regina sei dell'amor

* Tutti ti dicono stella

* Stella di vivo splendor

* Di Spagna sei la bella

* Regina sei dell'amor

* Tutti ti dicono stella

* Stella di vivo splendor

(sustains note)

* Hey!

* Stretti stretti

* Nell'estasi d'amor

* La spagnola sa amar così

* Bocca a bocca la notte e il dì

Look who's there.

Oh, no.

Hey, Max.
You following us around?

Oh, hi.

Hi again.

Uh, what brings you here, Max?

Huh? Oh, mostly habit, I guess.
Uh, we used to eat here a lot.

One time.

Ah. You two must, uh,
know each other, then, huh?

Uh, tell you what.
Why don't I go get us
a table, all right?

OK.

Darcy, I've gotta
talk to you right away.

Why? Because I'm with Barry?

No, that's not it.

Table for two over here.
Let's go, hon.

See you around, Max.

(song ends)

(applause)

Max, can we have a little talk?

Sure.

(* sings Italian aria)

Ah, Max, Max.

Oh, look, I'm-I'm really
sorry about this.

If you think we should leave,
I really don't mind.

Oh, no, that's OK.
A girl's gotta eat.

You know, I'm sorry
we didn't get a chance

to talk at the party last night.

Uh, but I just want you to know

that my interest in Darcy
is strictly as a friend.

Sure. I understand.

I knew you would.

Darcy's just a little shaky
these days.

She just needs
somebody to talk to.

Better it's me than some guy
in a singles' bar. Right?

Right.

You know, Max...
as someone in the arts,

I know quality when I see it.
I admire your attitude.

You know, your admitting
that the relationship is over

is really gonna help Darcy
get on with her life.

Anyway, I'm glad we
had this little talk.

See ya around, Max.

(song ends)

(applause)

(* piano)

The fettuccine alfredo.

All right.

May I...

Great.

Are you all right, sir?
Oh, sure.

This is just a little
embarrassing. I feel fine.

A little ridiculous here.
I-I never felt better, really.

Uh, I haven't had a nosebleed
since I was eight years old.

(chuckles)

Uh, look, could
you help me here?

Uh, how about another napkin?

Waiter!
Um... Enjoy your
dinner, folks.

Why don't you take
these napkins, sir?
(chuckling)

No, that's not working.
No... uh, uh...

It's all right.
You're all right. No problem.

Whoa! Just a little
nosebleed, folks.

Ah, good idea. Don't worry,
don't worry, don't worry.

I'm a doctor. We've gotta get
this man to an emergency room.

I don't need an emergency room.
That's ridiculous.

Can I get a second opinion here?
I feel terrific, OK?

Look, uh, you know
what you didn't try?

You didn't try
the nose tourniquet.

Some tap water...
That'll be fine.

We validate, sir. Do you
have your parking ticket?

Wrap my belt around my neck.
Waiter, waiter...

Uh, cancel the red sauce,
waiter.

We'll have the white sauce.
White wine, please.

Hi. I just thought you'd like
to know, uh, Barry had to leave.

He had a nosebleed.

What? Is he all right?

I think so.
He said he felt fine.

He's with a doctor.
A doctor?

Yeah, I know.
That's what I thought.

Why would a grown man
with a simple nosebleed
need a doctor?

Is Barry squeamish or...?

No.

Well, look, let me see you home.

Max, I'm not up to you tonight.

No, I just wanna...
Let me get you a cab.

OK.

Look, Darcy, honey,
this is ridiculous.

Come back. I need you.

No.

Why? Why not?

Because I don't believe
you'll ever change.

I will change.
I already have.

In two days? Baloney, Max.

Taxi!

You have to come back.

Look, I promise I won't call
you. I won't call you at work.

You can go out with those guys
on those business dates.

You can even bring them
home for dinner.

Max, you really don't take
this seriously, do you?

Oh, God! No, I-I do!

OK. OK, look...
if you won't move back in,

could you at least come over
for a few hours every day

and sit with me?

Let's go out tomorrow night.
No.

No trouble. Just for fun.

OK. No, maybe.

I'll have to check and see
if I have any commitments.

Commitments? I'm more important
than any commitments.

See? Max, cut it out.

OK, OK, OK. You're right.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

It's just that things have been
going strange for me lately.

What do you mean?

I, uh...

I-I-I don't wanna
bring that up now.

You've had enough of me tonight.

All right. Well, I'll
call you tomorrow, then.

OK, good, good.
OK.

Good night.
Good night.

Good night.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I-I'll call you tomorrow.
Right.

(phone rings)

Hello? Darcy Carson.

I've been waiting for your call
all day. What's going on?

I was gonna call you
when I got off work.

Well, I just got off.
I'll pick you up right away,
and we can go eat.

Max, you're gonna kill me.
Barry's ballet opens tonight

and Stolichnaya is dancing.

I already promised him I'd go.

What?

I'm going out
with Barry tonight.

Are you kidding?

Barry the bleeder?

You really are involved
with that guy, aren't you?

Just like I thought.

Max, you know he's an old friend

and I've needed his company
these last few days.

Tonight he needs me.

You liar.

You knew last night you were
going out with him, didn't you?

I swear I didn't remember.
Now, I'm at work and I've
gotta get off the phone.

You never did love me,
did you, Darcy?

Max, last night was very
promising. Please don't blow it.

Shit!

Barry, what a real coup.
How'd you get Stolichnaya?

The guy's got a phone, right?
So I called him.

That's what I would
have done, Barry.

Wonderful. Really.

No, please, no.
I mean that.

You must be nervous.
Not really.

I don't wanna jinx myself
or anything,

but I saw rehearsal today

and the production is
absolutely flawless.

Oh, great.
Great.

Well, shall we go inside
and enjoy it?

(applause)

(* orchestra)

(chimes)

(audience gasping/chattering)

(* orchestra resumes)

(audience gasps)

(woman) Look!

(audience laughing/gasping)

(loud pop)

(laughter)

Well, good night, Barry.

Hey, come on, Darcy.

Let me come upstairs
with you, all right?

I had a rough time tonight.

Barry, you know I don't
feel that way about you.

We're just good friends.
Good night.

Oh, sure, OK. Sleep on it.

OK, I will.
Yeah.

Take me to Elaine's.

Oh! Oh, Max, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!

No, I'm all right.
I didn't know it was you!

Really, it's all right.
It was my fault.

I shouldn't have
scared you like that.

Oh, God. Oh, look
what I've done to you.
I didn't mean it.

I've spoiled your evening.
I'm sorry.

No, you didn't.
No, you didn't.

It's all right.
No, it was my fault.

No, you just surprised me.
That's all.

Oh, baby.

Oh, gosh, Darcy.
I-I really miss you.

I know. I miss you, too.
I really do.

Let's go upstairs
and clean you up, OK?

Oh, yeah.

(Darcy moaning)

Oh, wait, Max, wait.

I'm feeling tense or something.
I don't know.

I'm not finished yet, honey.
I know.

I'm not finished yet.

I know.

Oh... oh...

Ooh! Oh, oh! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ah! Ah! Oh, oh!

Ooh, ooh...

(giggling)

Oh, God, Max. Max.

(sighs)

Ooh, ooh, ooh...

You liked that, did you?
Uh-huh.

(sighs)
(chuckles)

Ohh...

Oh... Oh, no! Oh, no.

Oh, yes! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh! Ah!

Yes! Yes! Ah! Oh!

Oh, God. Oh...

Oh, that was the most
incredible thing I ever felt.

(sighs) Ohh!

Oh, no, not again!

Oh! Oh, yes! Ah!

Ah! Oh, oh...

Oh! Oh, ah, oh...

(laughing)

Oh, oh, ohh...

(Darcy screaming/moaning)

Ohh, ohh...

(panting)
Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Oh, Max. Oh.

(giggling)

(Darcy sighs deeply)

Max, what's wrong?

I didn't do it.

What?

What just happened to you.
That wasn't me.

Of course it was you.
It was you and me.

It was both of us.
No, it wasn't.

It was, um... (clears throat)

It was... artificial.

I cheated. It was sort of
like... willpower.

The feeling you just had
wasn't real, Darcy.

I don't understand.

You give me the most
incredible sexual experience

of my entire life,

and then you tell me
it wasn't real?

Dammit! You can't even
enjoy feeling good!

I'm wasting my time
with you, Max.

OK. All right, hon.
I'm sorry.

Don't pay any attention
to me. I'm sorry.

It was wonderful.
I loved it. It was...

I just have a lot on my mind
lately, I guess.

Well, so have I.

Listen, we just need to relax.

Lorraine invited us up to
Brian's house for the weekend.

Why don't we go?

Maybe that's a good idea.

There's a lot I should
tell you anyway.

Max... can we go to sleep?

I'm exhausted.

Come on.

(Max) Honey, do you
believe in telekinesis?

(Darcy) Absolutely not. God.

There's this guy at work
- it's not important who he is -

but he says he's been moving
things with his mind.

Max, you promised not
to talk about work.

Now we're gonna have
a good time this weekend.

OK, OK, OK.

(Darcy) Oh, now what are
you thinking about?

Huh? Oh, death.
God!

No, I'm not depressed
or anything. I'm just
thinking about it.

(chuckling) Oh, Max.

This is it.

(thunderclap)

Hi!

(Darcy) Hi!

Fine. How are you?
Great.

How you doin'?
Oh, I thought you guys
would never get here.

How are ya?
Oh, fine.

How's Max?
Well, he's, uh,
philosophical today.

Yeah?
God, you are glowing.

Really?
Glowing!

I'm in love.
What can I tell ya?

Let me go say hi to him
Just a sec.
OK.

Hi, Max. How you doin'?

Hi, Lorraine.

You gonna get out of the car,
or should we have your meals
delivered?

Oh. Brian's got a pretty
nice place here, huh?

It's great, isn't it?

Come on, let's go
up to the house.
All right.

Hey, Max!

(Lorraine) Go ahead.

How are ya, Max?
How are you, old buddy?

Ah, not so hot, Brian.
Great! Glad to hear it.

And I love this gal of yours,
even if she is kinda short.

Yeah, well, she's a lot taller
than you are, Skates.

Come on, let's go
inside the house.
Come on.

I worked up a man-sized thirst
out there. Come on.

Well, what do you think?
Oh, this is terrific.

Huh? You like it?

Come on, let's fix
some drinks.
OK.

Max, I want you
to see the den.
OK.

I don't believe you've
met Dorita. Come on.

She's from Port-au-Prince.

Uh, Dorita, I'd like
for you to meet Darcy.

Hi.
Hi.

Well, it looks like we're
having, uh, chicken tonight,
huh?

No. We're having
veal scaloppine.

Just feelin' these innards

'cause sometimes these little
bumps can tell you the future.

Ooh-ee!

What is it?

According to these chicken guts,

there's gonna be an awfully
big ruckus here this weekend.

(thunderclap)

Are you still
seeing things move?

I'm making things move.

Max, could you sit down?
I got a crick in my neck.

I told you she's a character.
Didn't I tell you?

Hey, boys.
Dorita made us Zombies.

After we finish,
I'll take you to your room.

Here you go, honey.

I'm ready.

All right. Honey, we'll
be back in just a minute.

Yeah, sure, go on, all of you.
Look the place over.

I'd come with ya,
but I gotta think. Scram!

And right in here is your room.

Oh, Lorraine.
Oh, this is wonderful.

Isn't it fabulous?
Won't this be restful, Max?

Here.
Yeah, this is nice.

I'm just gonna put his
right in here...
Ahh.

Firm. Really firm.

How about it, Dorita?

You got a love potion
for me this weekend?

I ain't got nothin'
for what ails you.

Oh, come on. You know
you're crazy about me.

Nothin' wrong with me.
Hell, read my books.

Mr. Brian gave me
some of them books.

And I can't make nothin' of it.

What's this
"pseudo-sexual penis envy"?

Maybe you'll find out
in your next life.

And you are gonna love it
when the sun comes up.
Mm-hmm.

It's around 5:15am,
and everything is
so peaceful and quiet.

Oh, no. No, no, no.
This is no good.

This is no good at all.

Mark, how are you?
Did you have a good drive up?

What are you doing here,
Lorraine?

Well, Darcy and Max, uh,

you know, it's their first
weekend up and everything,

so I thought they could
stay here, and you can
stay in Dorita's room.

Dorita's room?
Yeah.

Well, you thought wrong,
darling. I'm acclimated
to this space.

See, I always stay in this room.

Well, they've already unpacked
and everything, you know, so...

So, so, so...
Yeah, so I'll tell you what.

Why don't they
take Dorita's room?

I'll give them that option.
But I'm gonna stay here.

Mark, uh...
Wait, wait. Just a second.

Why don't we ask
doll-head here?

What do you think?

What do you think we ought
to do about this room?

Why don't we
arm-wrestle for it?

Well, I think that'd be
a little archaic, don't you?

Look, if there's a problem,
we'll take Dorita's room.
I don't care.

Good. Good, Max.
Excuse me.

Max...

You've got my bag.

Look, um, I don't want you
to do this 'cause you're weak.

I want you to do it
'cause you know I'm right.

I don't know why
Mark was so upset.

You know, he can be so rigid
sometimes, I'm finding.

Anyway, Dorita's room
will be fine.

You know, actually, it's
the most interesting room
in the house, I think.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Just like a little museum.

Where's the bed?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Can you believe this?

I told Dorita to straight...

Dorita, come in here
and help me clear off this bed!

I'm so sorry.
I can't believe this.

It's fun though, isn't it?
Isn't it?

It's got a lot of
personality, I think.

Smells like feet.
Max!

It's OK. It's just not like
the rest of the house somehow.

What's this?
That's the gardener.

Gardener?
Mm-hmm.

You know, a familiar.
A voodoo doll.

Dorita's got a crush
on the gardener
and that's her love doll.

Oh, I'm sorry about the mess,

but you caught me
during a full moon.

Look, I cleaned out the
top drawer for your guests.

Now, don't you worry about me.

I'm gonna be just fine
downstairs on the couch.

Let me get my baby, OK?

Billy, baby.
Oh, yeah, come to Mama.

Don't be a-scared.
Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, you're so sweet. Yes. Oh.

You like my baby?

Mama's little baby.

Now, look, if you see
a white mouse, don't hurt it.

That's Randy.
He lives here, OK? Bye.

Listen, I'm-I'm just gonna
get one of those jumbo
leaf-and-lawn bags

and clean all this up.
Be right back.

What's the matter, Max?
You afraid of mice?

I know the first thing we
have to do is open a window.

Darcy, can we talk?

Wait, just let me get this op...

Dammit!

Could you give that a try?

Oh, my... Did you see that?

I did that.

(chuckles) Yeah, sure.

Come on, we'll go for
a walk on the beach, OK?

No, that's OK.

You go ahead.
I'll-I'll rest for a while.

You sure?
OK, I'll be back soon.

June 5th. A partial list
of my favorite things.

Sunset from my office window.

Strindberg's women, all of 'em.

My interview in Playboy.

Mr. Martin Scorsese.

Mozart's Brandenburg concertos.

Collecting my $200
for passing "Go."

Roots - the book, not
that television horseshit.

Oh...

Women on beaches.

Hi, there!

I was just thinking about you.

Oh, really?
What were you thinking?

Uh-huh. Well, I was, thinking,

uh, maybe you oughta
talk to me about Max.

Now, I'm a therapist, you know.

Oh, really?
I-I didn't know that, no.

Yeah, Brian told me
a little bit about
the situation.

It just so happens that
I wrote the definitive book

on the ending of relationships.

Rebounds, that's-that's
my specialty.

Look, I wouldn't hurt you.

I-I just think
I know what your needs are.

You do?
I think so.

I don't understand why
you cling to that poor
distraught man up there.

I mean, a man in his condition

can't possibly maintain
a stable relationship.

I would-I would seriously hope

you'd come to
the healthy conclusion

that he's a manipulating
bastard.

Mr. Winslow, I think
Max is a wonderful man

and I care about him a lot.
I understand that.

Now, he may have a couple
of problems right now,

but I'm pretty sure we'll be
able to work them out together.

Wow, it smells wonderful
in here.

Can I help you with something?

No, thank you, Miss Darcy.
Oh, OK.

Oh, Miss Darcy?
Uh-huh?

Do you mind if I tell you
something kind of personal-like?

No, go ahead.

Well, it's about that
young man you're with.
Mm-hmm?

Well, honey, he's got
an aura around him

as green as this scallion.
With yellow spots.

Now, I know that's
pretty and all,

but it kind of makes me wonder.

Well, you better keep
an eye out on him.

I will, Dorita.

You just let me know if his
aura starts growing teeth, OK?

(knocks)

Max, honey, you awake?

(loud crash)

Oh, look!
There's what's-his-name.

Randy.
Randy, yeah.

How was your little
talk with Mark?

Don't get nervous, Max.
He's a jerk.

Oh, sure. I knew that.
I knew it was nothing.

Dinner's almost ready.
Are you hungry?

What's the matter?
What are you looking at?

Your aura.

My aura?
Uh-huh.

It's green with
little yellow spots.

Holy shit, it's true.

Max. Please, what is
the matter with you lately?

I was kidding.

Look at my face. I can't go
to dinner like this. Look.

Your face looks fine.

I'm not going.
I'm staying up here.

Max, Max.

You promised me that
you would try to relax

and be close to me this weekend.

You were only kidding?

Of course I was only kidding.

OK. I'll go to dinner.

OK. I'm gonna get ready

and I'm gonna help Dorita
set the table, all right?

Uh-huh.
OK.

I'll make the bed.
All right.

(Mark) Darcy, would you mind
steppin' in here for a second?

Yes?

Now, I'm afraid you-you
didn't understand

what I was saying
out there on the beach.

Sometimes I-I guess I forget

how forceful
my-my personality is.

But I am-I am a man who-who
likes to say what he thinks.

And I just wanted to say that
I find you very attractive.

I'm sure you feel
the same way about me.

It's kind of funny...
(chuckles)

but I seem to know...
I seem to know instinctively

when-when two people
have the right chemistry.

And as far as I'm concerned,
you and I, we're magic.

Well, then I'll just disappear.

No, no, that's bullshit.

A man can do whatever
he wants to do.

Pass those potatoes,
will you, please?

Concentration.
See, that's the whole thing.

Of course, there are exceptions.
You take Dorita, for instance.

She's got the concentration
of a dead bush.

And Lorraine, I suppose
you could concentrate,

but I-I have a feeling
you're a little hung up
on your mommy patterns.

Now, Darcy's
the interesting case.

I'm sure I could teach
you how to concentrate

if you'd just, uh,
cooperate with me,

vis-à-vis our little talk
in my room.

And of course, there's Max.

Oh, Max?

Max? Earth to Max.

Well, see there's no
concentration at all.

There you go.

Max, what are you doing?
Trying to make the ceiling move?

Or better yet,
why don't you, uh,

use those powers of yours
to pass the potatoes?

Brian. You told them?

I don't believe you told them.

Well, you didn't say
it was a secret.

Max, he was just
worried about you.

I mean, you've gotta admit
the things you're saying
are pretty hard to believe.

You know what I believe, Max?

I believe you're
totally vegged out.

And I'll tell you
somethin' else.

I'm gettin' a little bit
tired of you

trying to be the center
of attention vis-à-vis

that, uh, that phony
illness of yours.

That happens to be the oldest
psychological ploy in the book.

What we call
the wounded-duck syndrome.

"Help me, help me.
Fix my broken wing."

Really, Darcy, I don't know
why you tolerate that wimp.

I'll tell you something.
If you want some advice,

I'm expensive
but I'm-I'm very good.

Now, if you can afford it,
I'll-I'll make the time.

In fact, why don't I just
give ya my unlisted number
right here.

You gotta promise me, though,

you're not gonna
pass this around, OK?

Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh!

(Darcy) Oh, no!
(Lorraine) Oh, no...

Yeah.

I guess we have to
admit you've done it.

(nervous chuckle)

This is happenin', all right.
You've raised the chair.

All right. Very clever.

But you don't fool me.

I'm still controllin' me.

Aah!

You know, if I-if I fall
from this particular height,

we-we may be talking
about serious litigation.

(Mark) Dorita!

Dorita!

Max...

(Lorraine and Darcy gasp)

You know, in a way, Darcy,

I'm-I'm kind of glad
you're witnessing all this.

It'll give ya some kind of idea
of the kind of twisted mind

you're dealing with here.

Ohh!

You know, violence is the last
resort of a limited mind!

I hope you realize this
could be you, Darcy.

Are you out of your mind, Max?

Do you think for one second
my fans are gonna let you
get away with this?

Oh...

Oh... oh... OK!

We can hear you.

We're not insensitive people.

We can hear your cry for help.

We-we can help you.

Oh, no...

I...

I'm not afraid.

I'm not scared, you know.

(Lorraine and Darcy screaming)

Max...

Oh!

(Mark mumbles)

(clears throat)

What the hell is that
supposed to mean, Brian?

And what are you looking at!

It's not funny!

I'm not a freak.

He's the freak!

I'm a goddamn good-looking man.

(wind howling)

Coffee, Max?

I think I'm gonna
go up to my room.

Darcy, is he dangerous?

I'm gonna go up there
and help him.

Well, honey, we'd better
get going if we want to
catch that 9:00 show.

Brian, um, honey, I'm really
not up for a movie right now.

Sure. I don't know
what I'm thinking of.

Well, one thing is for sure.

Max's behavior was
way out of line.

Let's not have him up again.

This is Max you're
talking about, Brian.

I mean, it's-it's Max!

I mean, he usually doesn't
behave like this.

Listen, I knew him
in high school, and
he was a really nice guy.

(loud boom)

Do you think he'd leave
if I asked him to?

What do you think?
Do you think he'd do that?

You're not asking him to leave.

(boom)

But if he wants to go,
we'll let him.

That's right.
We'll just let him.

I better check on Mark.
Um, are you gonna be OK?

S-sure. Yeah.
You'll be OK?

Mm-hmm.
OK. I'll be right back.

Now, take care, OK?
I'll be right back.

Mark!

Mark, where are you?

(creaking and tinkling)

Dorita! I think
we'll skip dessert.

Mark!

Mark, I've been looking for you.

God, what are you doing?
Mark, stop!

Wait a minute!
What are you doing?

You love yourself too much!

You've dedicated
all your books to yourself!

For God's sake, you just
bought a brand-new Porsche!

Oh!

Oh, my God, Max.
You look terrible.

And you can tell
that son of a bitch

he's fooling around
with the wrong ego here!

Ya hear me?

Do you have a fever?

Don't touch me!
Oh, God, Max!

(screams)

(crying) I blew it. I blew it.

I was a bad boy.

(sobbing)

Just stay here, OK?

And I'm gonna go
and try apologize.

Just stay there.

OK. That sleazoid psycho.

I didn't ask for
any of his shit.

Let's see how he likes mine.

(humming)

Dorita, I've gotta help Max!

He's starting to make things
fly across the room now!

Well, sure. That's the first
thing a demon do,

is to rearrange
a room to suit him.

Oh, Dorita, do you think
you could help Max?

I ain't goin' near that boy.
Dorita, you've gotta try!

Will you read my lips?
No! N-O-E.

Then I'm gonna call a doctor.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Shoot. I-I better do this.

A damn doctor come here,
get it all wrong,

piss off the demon, blow us
all to white man's hell,

and I ain't got time
for that. Come on.

You ask a man to
pass the potatoes,

he bounces you
all over the room.

Now... Yeah, it's showtime.

Now, this'll be a piece of cake.

Eee-ah!

Now, you listen to me, demon.

Haul your ass out of that boy!
This is Dorita talking.

Don't you touch me.

Nobody told you could...
Don't you touch me!

I think I got his attention.

All right, you shifty bastard!

Let's settle this thing
right now!

Now, we can do this easy,
or we can do it rough.

These is knuckles you
is lookin' at.

(demonic) Your mama.

(loud rattling)

I told you that boy is sick.

This is demon powder.

(screeches)

(humming)

Now, he touch that, he die.

(like Donald Duck) Oh, boy.
Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.

* Nobody knows...

(like Donald Duck) Oh, boy!

Yes!

(laughing) I like it!

Uh-oh.

Dorita!
Uh-uh, uh-uh.

This ain't no ordinary
demon, child.

Youse on your own now.

What do I do?

Be nice to him.

Aah!
(screams)

Rest in peace, dipshit!
No!

You missed.

Oh... No!

Max! Max, it's all right.
He dropped the gun.

Please stop before you
kill somebody. Please!

For God's sake...
Max!

(groaning)

Cease! (yells)

Aah!

Help! For God's sake,
somebody get me down!

Help!

Max! Max!

(Mark) Not him.

Max, give me a break!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

Help!

Ow! Oh, for...

All right, Fiedler!

Tomorrow morning you
hear from my attorney!

Max!

(wind howling/thunderclap)

Max!

Max! Please don't do anything!

Believe me, I love you!
I love you!

I'm a monster. Look at me.
This is the real me.

Max, you're not a monster!

Yes, I am. I know I am.

No! Oh!

I see you with other guys
and I get angry

and I-I make bad things happen.
You couldn't love me.

I do! I do!

I don't believe you.

Then what am I doing up here?

God, Max! Can't you
see how scared I am?

Would I be here
if I didn't love you?

You really do love me,
don't you, Darcy?

Yes.

I love you, too.

That honky son of a bitch tooted
up the last of my demon powder,

and I don't have to
stand for that. Hmph!

These people don't know
good help when they see it.

(thunderclap)

(grunts)

Holy shit.
They did it to me again.

(squeaking)

Oh, look, Max.

Aw...
Oh, yeah, it's Randy.

Oh, look at that.
He's not even afraid of you.

I guess not.

Max, you didn't
do that, did you?

No, I really didn't.

(kisses) Yeah.

(* "Gonna Get it Next Time")

* Temptation, frustration

* Problems surrounding
modern man

* Big city, no pity

* It's just a thing
you can't erase

* She's pretty, so witty

* If only you could see her face

* She's got you dancin'
on a dime

* She's got you runnin'
till you're blind

* Gonna get it next time

* Statistics, logistics

* They never tell you
what to feel

* The big fix, the cheap tricks

* They never tell you
what is real

* You keep on hoping
that you'll find

* A way to ease
your troubled mind

* Your modern problems
are very real

* Suspicion, ambition

* You go on living day to day

* Position, condition

* There's got to be a better way

* She's got you
dancin' on a dime

* She's got you runnin'
till you're blind

* They never tell you
what to feel

* Your modern problems
are very real

* Illusion, confusion

* It's hard to know
what to believe

* Solution, pollution

* It's such a tangled web
we weave

* You keep on hopin'
that you'll find

* A way to ease
your troubled mind

* There's always somebody else
in line

* Gonna get it next time *