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1
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,441
CHRIS ROCK:
The holiday break was my
favorite time of the year.
2
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,443
Two weeks of complete
freedom from school.
3
00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:12,413
No assignments and no homework.
4
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:16,784
This year, my holiday gift
to you is a homework assignment.
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00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:19,120
I'm glad I didn't
get her anything.
6
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,455
Don't fret. This will be fun.
7
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:24,492
Your assignment is to help
someone in need
8
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,294
and give back to your community.
9
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,462
I'm on vacation. Call Oprah.
10
00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:30,331
Oh, I'm gonna do
what I do every Christmas
11
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,399
at the old folks' home.
12
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,533
What's that?
13
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,402
Pose for pictures
dressed as baby Jesus.
14
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:38,506
I posed for pictures
as big baby Jesus. R.I.P., ODB.
15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,108
So what are you
gonna do?
16
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,142
I don't know--
something quick
17
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,111
so I can enjoy my vacation.
18
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,813
Chris, what are
you gonna do?
19
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:48,449
I don't know.
Maybe work at a soup kitchen.
20
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:49,783
Oh, that's so nice.
21
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:51,385
Oh, but the only thing is
22
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,121
I don't think there's one
in my neighborhood.
23
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,388
Oh, yes, there is.
24
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,391
(whispers):
And could you give this
25
00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,294
back to Robert,
the manager?
26
00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:04,098
He dropped it in
sixth period study hall.
27
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,367
Sure he did.
28
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:09,270
Thanks, man.
29
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:10,371
Come get some soup?
30
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,705
Oh, no. Actually,
I'm here to volunteer.
31
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,374
I got plenty of volunteers.
32
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,509
This time of year,
everybody wants to give back.
33
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:17,411
But I'm doing this
for a school assignment.
34
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,446
You got any suggestions?
35
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:19,680
I don't know, man.
36
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,349
White people take all
the volunteer jobs
37
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:22,816
at the soup kitchen.
38
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,685
If they really wanted
to help the hungry,
39
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,620
they'd volunteer
at the meat kitchen.
40
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:27,655
Hey, Kill Moves.
41
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:28,656
You waiting for soup?
42
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,258
This a soup line?
43
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,160
I was waiting to sit
on Santa's lap.
44
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:34,262
Well, what do you want
Santa to give you?
45
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:38,532
300 issues of Jet magazine,
a solid gold football helmet
46
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:41,469
and an Ionic Breeze
air purifier.
47
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,804
That last thing hadn't even
been invented yet.
48
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:44,638
Anything else?
49
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:48,476
A Christmas present
for my mother.
50
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,478
Really?
51
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,812
I can help you with that.
52
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,547
This was
the perfect opportunity
53
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:55,416
to get rid of my school
assignment,
54
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,884
and it was the daily double;
55
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,553
I got to help a homeless
person and a crazy person
56
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:00,654
at the same time.
57
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,165
* Ah, make it funky now.
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00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:30,718
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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CHRIS ROCK:
Christmas was my mother's
favorite time of year.
60
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,592
She loved the food.
61
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:41,195
And she loved the decorations.
62
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,631
My father, on the other hand,
hated Christmas.
63
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,199
He hated the food.
64
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:47,335
I need to go
grocery shopping.
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00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,572
And he hated the decorations.
66
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:52,773
We need decorations.
67
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,445
What's wrong, Julius?
68
00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,448
Man, those papers are
heavy this time of year.
69
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,582
Kills my back.
70
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,417
What's going on
for the holidays?
71
00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:04,418
Not much.
72
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:05,886
I didn't get my
Christmas bonus.
73
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,388
It's gonna be tight.
74
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:08,689
It's tight,
all right, man.
75
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,291
I ain't got
this year, man.
76
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,392
I'm not buying
no gifts,
77
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:12,493
I'm not buying
no cards.
78
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,362
I'm not even
calling nobody, man.
79
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,563
Everybody getting
the same gift
80
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,797
from me
this year-- hope.
81
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,732
Hope I buy
them something.
82
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,468
Thanks, Manny
Have a good one, man.
83
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,769
Good luck, man.
84
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,338
My father would have given us
the best Christmas he could
85
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:26,006
until he found out
he had another option.
86
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,941
Brothers and sisters,
87
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,744
we need to stop
this Christmas racket.
88
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,513
What's all this?
89
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,515
What's this?
Come over here, brother.
90
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:39,587
We encourage you
to celebrate Kwanzaa this year.
91
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:40,988
And stop being a slave
92
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,390
to consumerism.
93
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,592
Free yourself of your
financial oppressors
94
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,527
by giving African love.
95
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,596
What's Kwanzaa?
96
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,532
Kwanzaa is celebrated
the seven days after Christmas
97
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,635
and emphasizes principles of
family, community and culture.
98
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,004
This peaceful African holiday
99
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:59,940
was the great idea
of Dr. Malauna Karenga
100
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,910
Later, one of his bad ideas
led him to prison for four years
101
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:05,513
for felonious assault
and false imprisonment.
102
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,681
Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed
limited success,
103
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,550
felonious assault
swept the nation
104
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,551
and continues to thrive
105
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,620
throughout the African-American
community today.
106
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:16,990
Well, are there presents?
107
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,427
Yeah, but they should
come from the Earth.
108
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,295
Like diamonds?
No.
109
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,596
Well, they're
from the Earth
110
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,598
and they're from Africa.
111
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,700
Look, that may be true,
but I'm talking about
112
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,668
crops and fruits and vegetables.
113
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,970
What comes from the Earth
in Bed-Stuy
114
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,473
are cigarette butts
and crack vials.
115
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,642
But we want toys,
right, Chris?
116
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,644
Doesn't make much
difference to me.
117
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,546
I haven't gotten a present
in four years.
118
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,814
Maybe this year
I can get some fruit.
119
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,650
Judging from my luck
during past holidays,
120
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,618
I'll be getting some pits.
121
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,589
Julius, can I ask you
a question?
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00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:49,990
Shoot.
123
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,693
Are you doing Kwanzaa
'cause it's cheap?
124
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,762
Yes!
No.
125
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,100
Are you sure?
126
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,535
No.
127
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:03,771
Positive.
128
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,574
I mean, we don't want our kids
growing up thinking
129
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:09,477
holidays are all about
buying, buying, buying.
130
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:10,344
There's more to life
131
00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:11,812
than just running
to the toy store.
132
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:16,584
Okay.
133
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,586
Mm... mwa!
134
00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,421
Happy Kwanzaa.
135
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,656
While my family was
preparing for Kwanzaa,
136
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,726
I was preparing to go shopping
with Kill Moves.
137
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,861
I didn't know much about him
except that on Sunday mornings
138
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,797
he directed traffic
in his underwear.
139
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,365
Hey, Kill Moves.
140
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:32,600
Merry...
141
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,435
I thought you was
the mailman.
142
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,404
I was gonna give him
this Christmas tip.
143
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,438
Come on in.
144
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:43,977
MAN (on TV):
When they get ready
to play on Sunday...
145
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:44,978
You got cable?
146
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,947
Can't miss Inside The NFL.
147
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,750
I love Nick Buoniconti.
148
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,719
So we looking for a gift
for your mother?
149
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,786
No, it's actually
for your mother.
150
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,456
Don't talk about
my mama!
I didn't mean
like that.
151
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,824
That's okay.
I didn't hear you anyway.
152
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,759
So what kinds of things
does your mother like?
153
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,528
I don't know,
154
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:03,130
but if it was your mother,
what would you get her?
155
00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:05,666
Diamonds and a white man.
Good choice.
156
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:06,734
Okay, I don't think
we can buy that.
157
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,869
But maybe chocolates?
158
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,704
Sounds good.
159
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,806
Good. So you got any money?
160
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,843
Uh... just this.
161
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:21,882
It's a bunch
of money in here!
162
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,184
Where'd you get
all this?
In here.
163
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,555
Okay. Well, let's go get
something for you mother.
164
00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:29,657
What crazy see, crazy do.
165
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,561
Hey, Monica.
166
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,563
Hey, Tonya. Cool hat.
167
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:36,530
Merry Christmas.
168
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,866
Oh, thanks, but you
didn't have to do this.
169
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:39,900
Uh-huh.
170
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,069
It's Christmas.
171
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,804
Oh. Well, I have your gift.
172
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,473
but I just...
I have to wrap it.
173
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:46,474
That's cool.
174
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:47,475
Hey, do you want
175
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,810
to go Christmas caroling
with me and my cousins?
176
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:52,145
Christmas caroling?
Black people? Really?
177
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,814
No, my family's already
doing stuff,
178
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:54,982
but we're doing it at home.
179
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:57,184
Yeah. Bye.
180
00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:00,688
While Tonya wouldn't speak
about Kwanzaa,
181
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,791
Drew was ready to start
speaking Swahili.
182
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:06,494
The first principle
of Kwanzaa is umoja; unity.
183
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,862
That means us black people
gotta stick together.
184
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,163
Well, that's it for Kwanzaa.
185
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:11,765
Come on, baby,
you're gonna miss it.
186
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,735
Here. Here's your corn.
187
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,704
What am I supposed
to do with this?
188
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:19,206
You husk it, and then
we make hats out of it.
189
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,709
You know, to keep the blue-eyed
demons out of our heads.
190
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:23,744
Whatever.
Look, can I have some money
191
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,113
to buy a Christmas present
for my friend Monica?
192
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,882
Well, I'm afraid
that's not in accordance
193
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,851
with the principles
of Kwanzaa.
194
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,253
Or my father's cheapness.
195
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,589
Well, she got me a gift,
so shouldn't I give one back?
196
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:39,092
Absolutely. Here.
Give her this corn.
197
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,797
You still got some money
left in here.
198
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,065
You want it?
199
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:46,734
No, thanks.
200
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,002
Your mom's gonna love
those chocolates and the watch.
201
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,270
I don't know.
202
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,840
Are you sure this
is a good watch?
203
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,174
Timex has a slogan.
204
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,243
I never heard of a slogan
for Rolex.
205
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,377
How about "It takes a lickin',
206
00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:00,113
and then you buy a new one
because you're rich"?
207
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,549
Trust me, it's good.
208
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:04,852
Anyway, thanks for your help.
209
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,954
No problem. Merry Christmas.
210
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,522
Happy Kwanzaa.
211
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:09,723
And merry methadone.
212
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:10,724
Say, listen,
213
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,659
could you go with me tomorrow
214
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,193
when I drop the gifts off
to her house?
215
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,295
Sure. Where does she live?
216
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,730
I don't know.
217
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,098
I guess giving back
to the community
218
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,867
wasn't goingto be
so quick and easy.
219
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,005
(knocking)
I'll get it!
220
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,940
CHRIS ROCK:
The hard thing about Kwanzaa
221
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,542
was that everybody else
was celebrating Christmas.
222
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,177
Even if you stayed
in the house,
223
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,211
you couldn't escape it.
224
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,279
Merry Christmas Eve.
225
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:35,248
Hi, Greg. Uh, uh, come on in.
226
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,317
Chris, Greg is here!
227
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,786
I brought you
a Christmas gift.
228
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,321
Thank you.
You didn't have to.
229
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:45,225
Trivia fact:
those are his real ears.
230
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,894
You didn't tell me
you'd be working
231
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,128
as one of Santa's
elves this year.
232
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,263
I'm not.
Oh.
233
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,099
So where's your Christmas tree?
234
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,267
We're celebrating Kwanzaa
this year.
235
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,805
Happy Kwanzaa.
236
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:58,806
Harambee!
237
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,007
God bless you.
238
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,009
Oh, beets!
These are my favorite!
239
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,343
Lots of vitamin A.
240
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,612
This was on my list.
241
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:05,713
So what are you doing today?
242
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:09,249
Well, I got to be back
at the North Pole by 11:00.
243
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,851
But other than that, nothing.
244
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,352
Good, 'cause I need your help.
245
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,322
So we're gonna go through
some of your stuff
246
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,357
and see if we can find
some clues to your
mother's whereabouts.
247
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,226
We're going to point
to stuff and you're gonna
tell us what it is.
248
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,728
Roger.
249
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:21,929
You mean, yes?
250
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:22,930
No, I mean Roger.
251
00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,097
You're pointing at Roger.
252
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:26,867
That's the bear's name.
253
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,870
And he finds pointing very rude.
254
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,039
And he finds his owner
very crazy.
255
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,374
I love Kwanzaa.
256
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,744
Doesn't interfere
with Christmas
257
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:39,346
and it's a good way
to bring the family together.
258
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:42,182
You know, Christmas
is too materialistic.
259
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,852
Yeah, well, my mom
made this for you.
260
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:48,355
Ooh. Well, tell your mama
I said thank you.
261
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,693
You know, I did
a little jail time
262
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,361
with the guy
who invented Kwanzaa.
263
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,163
Really?
Yeah!
264
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:59,700
I won a hat just like this
from him in a card game.
265
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,201
He was a good guy.
266
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,003
If he hadn't committed
that felonious assault,
267
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,338
Kwanzaa would have
caught on, been big.
268
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,774
No, it wouldn't.
269
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,308
Look, I got to go
in the back.
270
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,777
Holler if you need something.
271
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:16,917
She needed something.
She didn't holler.
272
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,954
Well, I'll see you later, Doc.
273
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,025
That's my CIA card from
the Bay of Pigs invasion.
274
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,695
An address book.
275
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:31,231
A piggy bank from the
1964 World's Fair.
276
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:32,766
Wait, what
you just say?
277
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,334
(loudly):
A piggy bank from the 19...
278
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,804
No, no, you said this
is an address book.
279
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:42,710
Mom.
Kathleen Devereaux.
280
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,912
551 East 63 Street.
281
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:45,846
Dude...
282
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:48,749
that's on the Upper
East Side of Manhattan.
283
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,183
Do you know what kind
of people live there?
284
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,352
White people and Spike Lee.
285
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,256
Why am I doing this?
286
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,725
Well, if you're gonna
go see your mother,
287
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:58,726
you gotta get cleaned up.
288
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,828
All right. You're the elf.
289
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,463
Cleaning up Kill Moves
was tougher
290
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,799
than cleaning up
New Orleans after Katrina.
291
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,434
Here! What
size you wear?
292
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,302
650 long.
293
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,104
All right.
294
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,840
Uh... Oh, hey.
295
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,775
Huh? Huh? What
do you think?
296
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:18,111
You have something
in a chartreuse?
297
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:19,947
* Just a little bit...
298
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,950
Stop moving around so much.
299
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,284
Take it easy.
I'm tender-headed.
300
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,285
Ow!
301
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,020
After 15 bottles of shampoo
302
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:30,490
and a Silkwood shower,
our job was complete.
303
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,825
You're done.
304
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,827
Ooh-ee.
305
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,129
I look like a young
Cleavon Little.
306
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,430
More like an old Clifton Davis.
307
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,999
How much?
308
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,969
Nothing. Just consider
it a Christmas gift.
309
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,972
Hey, Slick, if you wasn't
a psychotic, homeless bum
310
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,373
I'd go out with you.
311
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:50,443
Get in line, sister.
Get in line.
312
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:53,847
Since there was no "Kwanzaa
Eve" celebration for my family,
313
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,984
Christmas Day turned
into just another Wednesday.
314
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,318
Aren't there any
Kwanzaa shows on?
315
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,954
Yeah. The Bob Hope
Kwanzaa Special.
316
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,455
Everything is about Christmas.
317
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,058
Our ancestors played
games and told stories.
318
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,093
Because
our ancestors
319
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,861
didn't have TV.
320
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:08,896
See, that's Kwanzaa's
second principle,
321
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:12,532
Kujichagulia--
self-determination.
Kuji-what?
322
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,002
We define ourselves.
323
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,470
We don't need The Man
telling us what to watch.
324
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:20,207
Do we have any
wrapping paper?
325
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,175
We have Kwanzaa paper.
326
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,343
Here you go. baby.
327
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:24,444
Mr. Omar is outside.
328
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,246
Oh. I'll get it.
329
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,219
Merry Christmas, everybody!
330
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,021
Let the yuletide ring!
331
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:36,156
What is all this?
332
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:39,893
Oh, the Widows'
Choir of Bed-Stuy.
333
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:40,994
Hey, y'all.
334
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,163
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
335
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,164
What's wrong with y'all?
336
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:48,035
You look like the Grinch
stole your Christmas.
337
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:49,903
We're not celebrating
Christmas this year.
338
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,104
We're celebrating Kwanzaa.
339
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,505
Yeah, we're tired
of being consumed
340
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:56,076
by this capitalistic nation's
mindless consumerism.
341
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,177
Tragic.
342
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,812
Well, you won't
be needing this, then.
343
00:12:58,846 --> 00:12:59,980
Come on, ladies!
344
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,149
Let's go and celebrate
some Christmas cheer.
345
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,089
This has got to be wrong.
346
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,993
Baby, welcome home.
347
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:15,428
Hey, Mom, Merry Christmas.
348
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,966
I guess this is it.
349
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,072
Baby, it's so
good to see you.
350
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,140
I've been
very worried.
351
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,408
It's good to see
you, too, Mom.
352
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,409
How have you been?
353
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,410
Homeless.
354
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:31,411
Other than that.
355
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,947
Good. You know,
watching my diet.
356
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,950
I get a lot of exercise, and
I don't talk to space people
357
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:39,920
as much as I used to.
Except for Gazoo.
358
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,421
Well, of course.
359
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:42,455
And who are you?
360
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,157
Oh, I'm Chris.
361
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,093
Welcome to my
home, Chris.
362
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:49,963
Wow. Looks like
a department store.
363
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:53,366
Well, this is my
favorite time of year.
364
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,102
I bought you
a Christmas present.
365
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,136
Hmm.
366
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,473
A watch.
367
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:07,514
And...
368
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,616
Turtles.
369
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,219
Where did you
find turtles?!
370
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,988
At the corner store.
371
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:16,623
Didn't you see the Rolex?
372
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,459
I have eight Rolexes,
but I haven't had a Turtle
373
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,962
since I was a girl.
374
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,131
This is very
sweet of you.
Thanks, Mom.
375
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:25,632
Well, why don't you
put your coat down?
376
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:29,002
Edgar, why don't you play
something for us on the piano?
377
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,138
I want to talk to Chris
for a little while.
378
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,973
(knuckles cracking)
379
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,474
(playing beautifully)
380
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:37,144
Well, thank you for
bringing my boy home.
381
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,346
He gets lost easily.
382
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,948
Has he always
been like this?
383
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,315
You mean "crazy"?
384
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:46,653
(sinister laugh)
385
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:47,988
Yeah.
386
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:51,024
Oh, Edgar's always
been savant-like.
387
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,192
As a little child,
388
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,162
he had a talent
for charts, graphs,
389
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,997
numbers and martial arts.
390
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,131
Really?
391
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:01,368
Edgar? What is the
square root of pi?
392
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:05,172
1.77245385.
393
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,207
I knew that.
394
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,610
Until a few years ago,
he wa functioning semi-normally
395
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:11,945
as an air traffic controller.
396
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:12,946
What happened?
397
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,382
(discordant notes)
398
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,184
Ronald Reagan.
399
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,952
He fired us all.
400
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:22,255
That sent me on
a downward spiral
401
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:23,656
of paranoia,
schizophrenia...
402
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:24,724
Reagan, too.
403
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:25,692
I took to wandering
404
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:28,361
the streets until I met
Gazoo, the space man,
405
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,263
He told me that the
only true freedom
406
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,265
could be found by
living in a box.
407
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,367
Gazoo?
408
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,536
From The Flintstones.
409
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,407
Later Christmas day,
my family got a visit
410
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,077
from the Ghost
of Shoplifting Present.
411
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,345
Oh, yes?
Hi.
412
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,214
I'm Monica's mother--
Tonya's friend.
413
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,717
Oh, hi. How can I help you?
414
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,419
I came to return this
gift Tonya gave her.
415
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,054
It's too
expensive.
416
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:57,057
It has to cost
like $30 or $40
417
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,093
Oh, well, I
completely understand.
418
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,328
Wait a minute.
419
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,165
Would you like
420
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,234
some beets?
421
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,701
Why, thank you.
422
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:09,769
Merry Christmas.
423
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,571
Thank you.
424
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:15,575
And a Happy Kwanzaa
to you as well.
425
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,311
That look means, "I don't know
what the hell is going on,
426
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,513
but I'm about to find out."
427
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:24,717
Where'd you get this?
428
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,387
Doc's store.
429
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:28,555
Where'd you get the money?
430
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,125
You did have
the money, didn't you?
431
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:35,262
Monica got me
a Christmas present
432
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,297
and I didn't
have one to give back, so...
433
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,298
I took it.
434
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,299
You took it.
435
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,468
You mean you stole it.
436
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,269
I'm sorry.
437
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,736
Oh, you're gonna
be sorry.
438
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,572
But first, you're
gonna take this
439
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:46,806
back to Doc's
and you're gonna
440
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,041
tell him what you did.
441
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,342
Am I in trouble?
442
00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:54,281
Girl, you better be lucky
it's the holidays.
443
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,749
Happy Kwanzaa.
444
00:16:56,783 --> 00:17:00,287
Nice to see you again, Mom,
but I gotta get home
445
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,290
before somebody
moves into my box.
446
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:06,293
I want you to keep
in touch this time.
447
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,595
I will. I'll call you
from the phone in my head.
448
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,497
Great. Chris,
this is my number.
449
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,465
Will you call me from
the phone in your house
450
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,067
and let me know
how he's doing?
451
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:15,235
Yes.
452
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,170
I appreciate that.
453
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,638
You still have the
suitcase I gave you?
454
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:19,439
Yes, ma'am.
455
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,441
Well, is there
anything left in it?
456
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,342
No, ma'am, it's empty.
457
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,510
Well.
458
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,078
Here's another.
459
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,315
Thank you.
460
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,517
And thank you, Chris.
461
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:34,087
It's nice to know that
Edgar has a friend.
462
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,788
Yeah. He's a
good friend, too.
463
00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:37,490
Bye, Mom.
Merry Christmas.
464
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:39,126
My assignment was
to give something
465
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,127
back to the community,
466
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,529
and I didn't think
I had anything to give,
467
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,665
but that's only because you
can't buy a friend at a store.
468
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:49,169
Finding out that Kill Moves's
mother was a rich socialite
469
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,404
should've been the biggest
surprise I had that day,
470
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:52,405
but it wasn't.
471
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,641
What's in there anyway?
472
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:55,875
Same as last time.
473
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,177
You want some?
474
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,245
I can't eat it all.
475
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:00,513
No, thanks.
476
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:05,218
Well, at least
take this, uh...
477
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,854
holiday card.
478
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:08,855
Thanks.
479
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,157
Merry Christmas.
480
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,458
Merry Christmas, Chris.
481
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,393
CAROLERS:
* We wish you
a merry Christmas *
482
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,895
* We wish you
a merry Christmas *
483
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,797
* And a happy new year
484
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:22,235
* Good tidings we bring
to you and your friends *
485
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:23,770
* We wish you
a merry Christmas *
486
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,173
* And a happy new year...
487
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,174
Rochelle.
488
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,308
What's wrong?
489
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,810
This is the just
worst holiday ever.
490
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,181
Chris isn't home,
Tonya's stealing
491
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,549
and Drew claims he's never gonna
talk to white people again.
492
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,518
Years later, Drew
married a white woman.
493
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,253
but every Christmas,
he ignores her
494
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:41,788
I'm sorry, baby.
495
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:44,424
Kwanzaa seemed
like a good idea.
496
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,326
That's okay. We'll celebrate
Kwanzaa this time,
497
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,361
but next year
we're having Christmas.
498
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,431
I have a confession to make.
499
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:53,733
What?
500
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:56,403
Well, the reason we're not
501
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:59,406
celebrating Christmas
this year is...
502
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,707
I didn't get my bonus,
503
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,211
I knew it!
504
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,345
I knew it.
505
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,514
You always choose cheap
over the truth.
506
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:09,582
Why didn't you tell me you
didn't have any money?
507
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,818
Well, I didn't want to
disappoint you, baby.
508
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:15,388
Julius, we have been
15 years, three kids...
509
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,290
And a partridge in a pear tree.
510
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,592
I know you better
than you know yourself.
511
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,695
Okay, fine. We just gotta
figure out a way to fix this.
512
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:25,198
Kwanzaa had been
a disaster at my house,
513
00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:27,567
but at least Kill Moves
had a good Christmas.
514
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,503
Then, just when I thought
I had nothing left to give,
515
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:33,506
Hey! Happy holidays, 'lil dude.
516
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,541
Let me hold a dollar.
517
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:35,908
I don't have any money.
518
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,510
But... I do have
this Christmas card.
519
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,779
(sighs)
520
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:40,880
Thanks.
521
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:41,948
You owe me a dollar.
522
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,316
Merry Christmas.
523
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,951
Even though Christmas
had passed,
524
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:47,587
my parents wanted to let some
of our old traditions live.
525
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,622
What's going on?
526
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:50,823
BOTH:
Merry Christmas!
527
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:56,929
Fortunately, one of the day-
after-Christmas traditions
528
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,665
is that everything is 75% off.
529
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:03,336
Kill Moves and his mother
taught me a valuable lesson--
530
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,504
No matter what you celebrate,
531
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:08,007
the holidays should be spent
with people you love.
532
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,942
Thanks for that two
grand, 'lil dude.
533
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,811
What two grand?
534
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,813
It was in that Christmas
card you gave me.
535
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:14,814
What?
536
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,483
Yeah. In the
spirit of Christmas,
537
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:19,619
I'm-a give you a dollar.
538
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,554
You got change
for a hundred?
539
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:24,591
CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
Paramount Television
540
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,693
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
35227
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