Original subtitles

[horn sounds]

[♪ "Dog Eat Dog" playing]

- [people clamouring] - [horse blusters]

[growling]

[music continues]

And on the day fourth-form pupils begin studying for their new "GCSE" exams,

we put a group of Cotchester shopkeepers through their paces

to see how much they can remember from their O-level maths.

Meanwhile, here at Corinium, we are buzzing with excitement

for our new live show, Declan.

Declan's first guest will be Hollywood hellraiser, Johnny Friedlander.

One of the cinema's brightest stars, in his first interview

since being the unfortunate victim of a sex-tape scandal two years ago.

The reclusive star is on his way to Corinium Studios as we speak.

Can Declan O'Hara coax him out of his shell?

And what about those James Bond rumours?

- That's Declan... - [inhales, exhales]

...live tonight at eight o'clock

with his very first interview here at Corinium right after Coronation Street.

I'll definitely be tuning in.

[panting, barking]

[horn sounds]

[gasps]

[growls]

[Gertrude barking]

Run.

[breathing heavily]

[horn sounds]

[sighs]

[♪ opera music playing]

[cheering, clamouring]

[fan] Johnny! I love you!

[cheering, clamouring continues]

- Tell us about the scandal, Johnny. - Are you gonna give us the scoop?

Mr Friedlander. Welcome to Corinium.

- Please, call me Johnny. - Tony Baddingham. Please come on through.

[♪ opera music playing]

[music fades]

[Deirdre] Your first live audience.

You're not going to wear those socks on the programme?

We get this right, Deirdre, no one will be looking at me feet.

[audience murmuring]

[breathing heavily]

- [crew member] Good luck, Declan. - Thanks.

- Hi, Seb. - [Seb] Big night, ladies.

- Hi, Seb. - [Seb] Showtime, everyone.

[employee] Yep. Sure is.

That's good. Yeah. Yeah, all right.

So, um, Paddy and Mick are walking to the pub,

and they spot a sign saying, "Tree fellers wanted."

So, Paddy turns to Mick and he says,

[Irish accent] "Well, isn't it a shame there's only the two of us?"

[Declan] You know, I can hear you, Brian.

You don't tell jokes about Jews or Blacks anymore, so why you picking on the Irish?

[normal voice] Okay, mate. Uh, can we get some level?

Cut the fucking Paddy jokes or I'll knock you from here to the Irish Sea.

Is that level enough for ya?

Yeah. Loud and clear. Sorry, Declan.

Cameron, are you there?

What-What-What am I supposed to do with the, uh, cards?

We talked about this. Declan O'Hara doesn't hide behind a desk.

- Hmm. - If you'd let me see the questions,

I could have fed them to you.

[sighs]

Just trust me, will you?

[Cameron] Where's Johnny?

Houston, do we have a problem?

[Tony] Declan's a journalist of international stature.

So... [stammers] ...the fact that he left the BBC for us, it's quite a compliment.

[stammers] It's all very impressive, Lord B.

Uh, of course, it's the wife who's the TV viewer around our house.

[chuckles] Well, it's documentaries mostly,

but I do find Dallas a guilty pleasure.

- Well, who doesn't love Dallas? - [Freddie chuckles]

- [Charles, softly] Hi. - [softly] Hi. Thanks for sneaking me in.

I think some of our new programmes can give JR a run for his money.

Have you seen Four Men Went To Mow?

- Mother Goose is here. - Excuse me a moment.

[Freddie speaks indistinctly]

[Tony] Lady Gosling, so good of you to come.

Do you know the Reverend Penney?

My deputy on the Franchise Renewal Committee.

- Of course, welcome. - [Penney] Well, looking forward

to some scrupulous broadcast journalism tonight.

I was just remarking,

what with there being a set in every living room these days,

television companies must recognise

that they are the custodians of the nation's morality.

[employee panting]

[moaning]

I'm working.

- [breathing heavily] - [door opens]

Showtime, Mr Friedlander.

[Cameron sighs]

[♪ smooth jazz plays on TV]

[presenter] That's Four Men Went To Mow,

Wednesday night, nine o'clock.

[Lizzie] Oh, lovely.

That's a very nice wine.

- How long have we got? - [Maud] I guess that's why they make them.

- [knocks on door] - I'll get it.

I think we just found our fox.

[Maud] Door on the right there, Rupert.

Tag. Tag, it's him. Oh, my God.

- [Rupert] Not in the business of daring-- - [Maud laughs]

[Lizzie] Hello, Rupert. [kisses]

[Rupert] Lizzie, darling... hello. [kisses] We were just passing.

- Successful day? - Well, little fucker gave us the slip.

"Huntus" interruptus.

[Caitlin grunts] Sorry.

Hello, my name's Caitlin. How are you?

[chuckles]

[Basil clears throat, chuckles]

Sit, bunny girl.

You look like you've found the Holy Grail.

All right, it is okay, Declan. The eagle has landed.

[Steve] Can we have some level, please?

- What did you have for breakfast, Johnny? - You wanna get me arrested?

- Declan looks nervous. - He cut me dead earlier.

It's awfully uncool to get so uptight.

Shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.

[employee stammers] Run music.

- [♪ theme music plays] - Five... four...

three...

two...

one, and in.

[audience cheering]

[background singer vocalising on TV]

Why aren't you in the audience, Maud?

Daddy gets too nervous if Mummy's there.

Isn't it daft?

Because he cares what you think more than anyone in the world.

- Oh. - [Maud] It means I miss a lot of parties.

Good evening. I'm Declan O'Hara.

My guest tonight is one of the world's most recognisable stars.

Room for a small one?

[Declan] He's the star of box office smashes such as Last Man on Mars,

Highway 12, and Dog Tag three: Voyage to Vietnam to name just a few.

He's been nominated for numerous awards,

but in recent years, it's his turbulent personal life,

and of course, finding himself the victim of a cruel honeytrap,

which has attracted almost as much attention as his films.

Johnny Friedlander, welcome to the show.

[Basil] What's it like seeing your ex-partner in grime, Rup?

You know Johnny Friedlander?

Well, shared a few lovers back in the day.

Yep. [groans] Not silly enough to let any of them

- film me having sex, though. - [Johnny] Thank you. What a crowd.

People are excited to see you.

Well, I gotta say that's nice.

It's been a while since I've done one of these.

- [Declan] Why do this interview now? - Go tight on Johnny.

- [Johnny] Well, uh... - Yeah, of course.

...I feel it's time to move on.

[Declan] That's what we're here for.

Now, Johnny, your last film was mired in controversy.

There were stories that you were late to set.

You picked fights with the director.

You passed out at the wheel while driving under the influence.

See, nobody prepares you for fame.

You don't know how you're gonna react to being given the keys to the candy store.

It turns out that I react by overdosing on candy.

- [audience laughs] - [sighs] Going well, don't you think?

Absolutely.

Not sure about the socks.

Jesus Christ. Who signed off on those?

[Johnny] ... I would need to be in a comedy.

[audience laughs]

And what was it like when you drove off that bridge?

[exhales sharply] Well, uh, I woke up the second I hit the water.

But, man, it was, uh, scary.

Thank God I was in a convertible, or I'd be at the bottom of the river now.

But yeah, I had to get sober.

415 days later, the world looks more beautiful than ever.

Now, shall we talk about the sex tape?

- [sighs] - [audience murmurs]

[chuckles] Why not?

The elephant's in the room already, crapping in the corner.

[Declan] Is the girl okay?

[stammers] Miss, uh-- Miss Cortes.

- Hell, I don't know. - You don't see her?

- Uh, not on my Christmas card list, no. - [audience laughs]

But she is, uh-- She's an actress, right?

I don't know. Uh, we met in a bar.

Hope she got a lot of money out of the whole thing.

Is $5,000 a lot of money?

According to Miss Cortes, that's how much you paid her to have sex with you

and then take the tape to the National Enquirer.

What?

[whispers] Oh, fuck.

You said you were the victim, but in fact, you paid her

to video herself having sex with you as if it had been filmed undercover

so that when she took the tape to the press,

you could pretend that you'd been set up.

Simultaneously getting sympathy as the victim of a honeytrap

while reaping a ton of publicity that made you look like a virile sex god.

Yeah, she got publicity too, trust me.

You sat back and let the press vilify her

to the extent that all her acting work dried up.

You could have stepped in and told the truth, but you didn't.

The world would have believed you, but your silence demolished her.

Your stock shot up overnight while Pia Cortes lost her apartment.

$5,000 for a woman's reputation. Is that a fair price?

What reputation? She was a porn actress. I paid her to make a porno!

[audience gasps, murmurs]

Fuck. We've lost him. He's gonna walk out.

Oh, man. I'm an ass.

[Declan] Why did you do it?

Tell two to hold on Johnny.

[Brian] Stay on Johnny. Now move in.

Slowly, slowly.

Slowly.

You wouldn't get this on the BBC.

Get me the sweat beading on his brow. This is the one.

I'd had four flops in a row, and I was scared.

That's the worst thing about Hollywood is when you're out,

all you can think about is how to get back in.

What a mess.

Worst part is...

I really liked that girl.

I thought she had something.

What would you say to her...

if she was here?

Nah, she's in LA, man.

Uh...

She might see it. You never know.

Okay. Um, sure.

Pia, if you're watching, I'm sorry.

I'm an ass.

Let me buy you a drink or a car.

Whatever you want.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

[Johnny laughs]

[exhales sharply] Man, I've been sitting on that secret too long.

[Declan] Feel good to get it off your chest?

[sighs] God, the water here tastes good.

Can I get another?

Join us again after the break

when I'll be asking Johnny about James Bond.

- [♪ theme music plays] - Don't go away.

- [crew member] And we're clear. - [laughs]

[crew member] Okay, stand by, everyone. Three minutes.

[Lizzie] Well, that was more stressful than I expected.

[Taggie] Daddy always goes in for the kill.

He really is a master at this, your Declan.

I mean, is that erotic? Doing a video?

Oh, I think it is if you've made it for each other,

- or you watch it when they're away. - Mm-hmm.

Or watch together as a warm-up.

Yeah, it can be pretty hot.

With the right co-star.

Can't imagine James wanting to make a sex video with me.

The camera puts pounds on you, and he already thinks I'm fat.

- Well, he's mad. - Yeah.

- You're exquisite. - Oh. [laughs]

Sandwich, anyone?

[inhales sharply] Yeah, I'm starving.

Oh, my God, you made these, Taggie?

They're ambrosial.

Please. Please tell me you'll come and work for me.

Uh...

Caitlin, fetch another one of these for me, please.

No, I, uh... I tried working in a restaurant.

It was just, uh... It was too hectic.

Well, you-you could do people's dinner parties and things.

Uh, a private chef.

I bet you'd get bookings. I could put the word around if you like?

- Caitlin! - Oh! Daddy's back.

- [♪ theme music plays on TV] - Mmm.

[Rupert inhales sharply]

Here it is. Your closet, sir.

[breathing heavily]

[moaning]

Put something against the--

Do you think Johnny Friedlander barricades the door?

[breathing heavily]

[moaning]

[Johnny] And the guy, he had the most stupid walk...

[both laugh]

[audience laughs]

Did I tell you what Cubby Broccoli said when my people called up and suggested me?

He said he'd sooner have James Bond played by a woman.

- [laughs] - [audience laughs, cheers]

Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Friedlander.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[♪ theme music playing]

[cheering]

Bloody marvellous. Good job.

Johnny, introduce you to a few of our company.

- This is Ginger Baines. - [Johnny] How are you?

Bastard spiked Johnny's dressing room.

Gave him a bottle of vodka.

Oh, no, I did that.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

We needed your first show to be jaw-dropping television.

- No way was I leaving it to chance. - Oh, fuck.

And you didn't tell me you were gonna skewer the guy live on air.

You don't think it fucks your producer up not to know that?

But we didn't need to push him off the wagon.

I didn't need help.

Yeah, you didn't need a desk either, did you?

- [Tony] This is Ester McCloud. - [Johnny] Hi. Hi, how you doing?

This is Lady Gosling.

- [Johnny] Hi, how you doing? - Hello.

- Freddie Jones. - Hey.

- Good to meet ya. - [Tony] His lovely wife.

- Hello. - [Johnny] How are you doing?

- James Vereker. - Hi.

- This is the back room boy. This is Seb. - How are you doing?

- [Tony] Daysee. - Hey, how you doing?

- This is Deirdre. - Hey, how you doing?

At least he didn't film you.

[Seb] He's a mug.

You look like a Charlie's Angel.

[sniffles] Thanks, Seb.

That's nice.

[Lady Gosling] He's very good, isn't he?

[Penney] What, the new jewel in Corinium's crown, hmm?

- Extraordinary socks. - [Tony] Oh, yeah.

He has so much character.

He's a breath of fresh air.

It's such a shame that you couldn't get Campbell-Black onto the board.

Well...

[Lady Gosling] Is Freddie Jones in the bag?

Oh, very much so. Very much so.

[sucks teeth] And much more use to us.

His expertise in technology, business, the real world...

[Lady Gosling] Mmm.

But I've got to say, Declan's got some brass.

I thought Johnny was gonna lamp him one.

How do you keep it together, all that going on?

Can I tell you a secret?

That was my first time taking a show out live.

- Did you like it? - Oh, my God. The adrenaline?

Yes, I loved it. But please don't ask me any specifics. It's a blur.

- I mean, it-- - You've met Cameron then?

[Freddie] So you need people that can deliver under pressure?

- Diamonds. - [Tony] Couldn't agree more.

That's why we're courting you for the board.

[both chuckle]

[whispers] You're getting the fuck of a lifetime tonight.

Yeah.

[♪ "Slave to Love" playing]

- [Caitlin] Isn't that crazy? And then... - [Basil] Mm-hmm.

- ...the man started turning up at the house. - Oh, no.

[Caitlin] And he was so in love with Mummy.

But then Daddy found out about it, and that wasn't funny at all.

[imitates explosion]

Caitlin.

Anyway, that's the real reason why we moved out of London.

Daddy's new job came just at the right time.

[Rupert] Mrs Thatcher tells me if I want to succeed in politics,

I have to keep my nose clean.

[Lizzie] No more cunnilingus then.

[both chuckle]

Maud's got a thumping crush on you.

Declan looks strong. I'd watch yourself.

Darling, you know I love you to bits.

But never tell me what to do.

[♪ piano playing]

- [Declan kisses, inhales deeply] - You must be exhausted.

How did I do?

Mmm, you were wonderful.

[breathing heavily]

[Maud breathes shakily]

[moaning]

Christ, you're wet.

[breathes heavily] I've been thinking about you coming home all evening.

Oh, what is it?

Everything all right?

[inhales sharply] Shitting awful evening actually.

[Lizzie] Oh, I'm sorry.

You should have come with me to watch the new Declan show.

It was...

brilliant.

[chair scrapes]

You might be a little more supportive, Lizzie.

[inhales sharply, sighs]

[birds squawk]

[Caitlin] It's only my first day at boarding school.

It's not like it's momentous or anything, is it?

I'm sorry I can't drive you there. You know Daddy needs the car this morning.

I didn't mean you.

- Bye-bye, gorgeous, ugly dog. [chuckles] - [Gertrude whines]

Is Mummy going to start one of her things with Rupert?

I'm not gonna keep her secrets again if she does.

Oh, Mummy and Daddy are gonna be okay.

I'll keep an eye on them. I promise.

- Oh, I'm gonna miss you. - [Caitlin sighs]

- [Taggie] Now go. - [Caitlin] I'm going.

Just you and me now, pups.

[♪ "Rabbit" playing]

[audience applauding, cheering]

Good evening. I'm Declan O'Hara.

Get up and show us a few moves.

- [both chuckle] - Okay.

Take it away.

[chuckling]

[chuckles]

Please.

[audience laughs]

That's all we've got time for tonight.

Paul Roberts, ladies and gentlemen.

[music continues]

[guest crying]

[chuckling]

He's got me.

Get off me, man.

[chuckling]

Get off me, man.

Get the fuck off me!

[chuckles] Wonderful.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

- Oh, my God. - [chuckles] Oof.

Look at all this.

[Maud] If it's a neighbourhood dinner party,

why didn't Valerie Jones invite your da and me?

- I don't know, Mummy. - She did. I said we couldn't do it.

[chuckling] What? I have work to do.

[hits table] I never get to go anywhere.

I mean, how can we meet anyone

if you're gonna turn down everything just to prepare your stupid programme?

My stupid programme is all that's paying the bills

on this rotting pile of bricks, and all you do is spend money.

I mean, why the fuck do we own a harp?

Oh, you wanna take my music away from me? It's all that I have left.

- I have to go to work. - No, no. I'm still talking to you.

- We can talk about it later. - [sighs]

- Good luck, Tag. - Bye.

You know, it's a good job that you bought a priory 'cause I might as well be a nun.

[door opens, closes]

You know, he's still punishing me.

I mean, when is it gonna stop?

[whirring]

[Charles] My congratulations, both of you. Ten million viewers.

- I want 12 mil this week. - [Charles scoffs]

I can't believe you got that story out of Mick Jagger.

People like telling me things. Psychiatrist to the stars.

So who's next on the couch?

- [Cameron] Diana. - Doesn't do TV.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger? - Jesus, he can't even speak.

- Joanna Lumley. - Rupert Campbell-Black.

No way.

Celebrity, ex-Olympian, a heart-throb, so I'm told, and now Minister for Sport.

Surely that's an extraordinary trajectory.

There's no hinterland.

If I'm to interview someone whose politics I despise, I want a worthy opponent.

Could you stop swinging your dick for a moment?

If you stop swinging your vagina.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Declan's right. Campbell-Black's an arrogant brat.

Everything people hate about the upper classes.

Why do you hate him so much?

Because he always gets everything he wants.

Joyce, Rupert Campbell-Black?

I wasn't surprised when the wife left.

He'll never settle, will he?

Doesn't that make him an interesting interview?

He's the only man in England

who can come out of a sex scandal with a promotion.

Minister for Sport, for God's sake.

The man plays tennis naked.

He's an irredeemable shit.

We needn't pour fertiliser on his already overgrown ego.

[inhales deeply] Who do you want, Declan?

- Thatcher. - [Charles] Margaret Thatcher?

No, Charles. Fucking Denis Thatcher.

L-Look, she'll never say yes anyway.

She thinks I'm an IRA pinko.

Well, let's see, shall we?

[stammers] I've donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party.

It's not the public who decides which way the election goes, is it?

All right, stop staring at me. Fuck off.

We've all got work to do.

- Declan? - Yeah.

Don't go. Have a proper drink.

After you.

[Tony inhales sharply]

You've got viewing figures most people would sell their granny for.

[pours liquor]

So, I'm just wondering why you're still unhappy here?

- [chuckles] - Is it Cameron?

No, no.

I mean, she's hard work, but you're right. She knows what she's doing.

I-I... [sighs] I just have a lot on my mind.

Money stuff.

I have an unpaid tax bill following me around.

Eighty grand.

London wasn't cheap.

Not with a wife who throws a party every time someone blows their nose.

[inhales sharply] All right, well...

why don't I settle with the Inland Revenue for you?

You can pay me back when you can. Nobody need know about it.

Just the two of us. And my accountant.

That's very decent of you.

Self-interest, really.

You're no good to me preoccupied.

[chuckles]

Now, another?

[Declan] Cheers.

- [♪ "Situation" playing] - [Taggie humming along]

[chuckles]

[music continues]

[water bubbling]

- [Taggie grunts] - [Valerie] Are you always this height?

I can usually size people by looking.

Well, I didn't think you'd want me to serve things.

Well, I can't exactly do it myself, can I?

You know to go around the dinner table clockwise, don't you?

Don't pick, Sharon.

And I need you to write the menu out.

One for each end of the table in French, if you don't mind.

Hello, Taggie. Nice get-up. Grub smells good.

[Valerie] I'm still cross with you, Fred-Fred.

What were you thinking inviting a single man?

I mean, what kind of a dinner party ever had nine guests?

Ten guests now, because I've just invited a single woman to balance the books.

Fred-Fred, how could you?

[sighs] Now I'm gonna have to change the whole placement.

[sighs]

Terrific. Eat that. Eat that.

I could help you with the menus.

I'm doing French for GCSE.

[sighs] They're gonna be here soon, Mrs Makepiece.

- Yes, Mrs Jones. - [vacuum stops]

Sorry. Did you decide if you want the cheese first or the pavlova?

Fred-Fred? Cheese or dessert?

Don't posh people say "pudding"?

Pudding? But "dessert" is French.

- Agatha, which is it? - I don't know.

Pudding. They learn that at boarding school.

Chin up, Mousie.

We've worked so hard. We can enjoy it now.

Who'd have thought it? You and me, entertaining a lord and a lady, eh?

- [laughs] - [titters] Right.

[♪ opera music playing]

[blows]

Just a nice, cosy dinner.

Freddie's bum on a board seat at the end of it.

I've rather implied to Lady Gosling he's already said yes,

so we need to reel him in tonight,

or we might as well kiss goodbye to the franchise.

No, absolutely. Operation "Charm Offensive."

Well, offensive is right.

We'll be forced to admire the soft furnishings.

Fitted carpets everywhere.

Well, don't let Valerie Jones get to you, darling.

- You know who she reminds you of? - Who?

Your mother.

Oh.

[sighs deeply]

[toilet flushes]

[groans]

[Paul] Come on.

We got five minutes.

Yeah, well five minutes is how long it takes to do this bloody dress up.

No, all right.

Um, you know, I need you to, uh,

behave yourself this evening, don't you?

Uh, I want Tony to invite me onto the board at Corinium,

and we need to look proper.

- Respectable. - Darling, is this about Rupert?

- [laughs] - It was just a silly flirtation.

Come on, you know I love you most of all.

Besides, I thought you wanted a young wife that everyone admires.

[Paul] I do, darling.

Just prefer they admired you from further away.

[sighs]

[♪ classical music playing]

[Paul] So, it was a considerable renovation?

Yes, it was terribly poky.

Three bedrooms and only the one bathroom, so we had to extend,

but once we'd rendered over the old stonework,

you can't tell the join between the old and new.

I thought this was a listed building.

Oh, it is, yeah.

Fred-Fred has friends in high places.

I mean, one needs a good-sized lounge for entertaining.

- [chuckles] - [whispers] Lounge?

[whispers] Behave. We're being charming.

- Uh-huh. - [doorbell rings]

I think I've had this dream.

Valerie made me.

It's just so short.

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

And I could almost see your brevities.

- [chuckles] - [sighs]

[classical music continues]

[softly] The fact is this is a listed building. There are rules.

[Lizzie] Mmm.

- [chatter stops] - [Sarah clears throat]

[clicks tongue] Aw.

[giggles]

[Rupert] Darling, you look ravishing.

[Lizzie groans] James hates this, but it's the only clean one I've got.

- [chuckles] - Um...

Hello, Valerie.

Evening, Stratton.

Listen, I think you were given the wrong impression

about the tennis game with your wife.

All quite innocent, sort of thing that wouldn't bat an eyelid on the Continent.

Good, clean, open-air fun.

Shake hands and play nicely, shall we?

[Paul sniffs]

[♪ classical music plays loudly]

Freddie!

Sound system!

Sorry, love. Wrong room.

Freddie's equipment is staggering.

[Lizzie, Sarah chuckle]

- Mmm. - Mmm.

I, uh... I gather you spent this afternoon on the couch with my husband?

- Yes. Do you mind? - No. Good for you.

I hope you told him it was marvellous afterwards.

[chuckles]

- Thanks, Fred. - Nature abhors a vacuum.

- [chuckles] - Yes, so does my cleaner.

- [laughs] That's very good. - [Lizzie chuckles] Thank you.

- That's very good. - Freddie.

Can you show me this sound system?

I'll be back in a tick.

- You're a hit with the host. - [Lizzie mutters]

I bet you're next to him at dinner.

[scoffs]

Right. I'm off to see what decorative hell

Valerie's unleashed on the downstairs loo.

- Cloakroom, darling. Cloakroom. - [groans]

[Valerie] That's interesting.

Agatha's the help. We borrowed her for the event.

Overtime.

[Tony] There's no need to see cable satellite as a threat.

Let's embrace the possibilities,

but your expertise will be invaluable.

Of course, you're busy.

Well, I think you like feeling useful. We'd have fun.

Not trying to seduce you onto his board, is he?

We're a viable, growing company with excellent prospects.

The financial rewards are considerable.

[groans] Must we bring money into it?

Freddie's a businessman. It's what we do.

- You ever said "no" to this man? - Frequently.

- Did you enjoy the polo? - [Freddie laughs]

You're a very bad influence. I had a headache for three days.

- [laughs] - [Valerie] Freddie.

Uh, Mr Vereker and Mrs Stratton are on the television.

- Oh, yes. You'll want to see this. - Yeah. Okay.

- Sarah, welcome. - Hi, James.

- [James] Absolute pleasure... - Oh, look, there you are, Sarah.

Where's Sarah?

[James] ...you've been married to Paul Stratton,

- MP for Cotchester, for a few months now. - [Sarah] Mmm.

[James] How do you see your role as the wife of an MP?

[Sarah] To support my husband in every possible way.

And how do you get on with Paul's family?

His children must be nearly as old as you are.

- Oh, very good, James. Gripping stuff. - [Sarah] I put no pressure

on Paul to leave his first wife.

But because he eventually made that decision,

- you know, I'm branded a scarlet woman... - [doorbell rings]

...so I've had to try even harder to prove myself a good...

[scoffs] Cute.

[James] And what advice would you give to a young woman now

who was engaged to be married to a busy, powerful, even famous man?

[Sarah] The one thing I would say is do not let yourself go after you're married.

I mean, we all know what happens then, don't we?

[Freddie] Hello, Cameron. Let me get you a drink.

They're all glued to the local news, I'm afraid.

Thank you.

- [Sarah] Oh, James. [chuckles] - [James laughs] Stop it.

- [Sarah] What are you, 21? [laughs] - [laughs] Oh, please.

And the rest?

- She's a natural, isn't she? - [James] Touché.

Well, it's just wonderful to see her opening up.

[James] Um, now, I understand that Paul's left...

[TV continues, indistinct]

[Sarah moans]

[both breathing heavily, moaning]

[Sarah chuckles]

[panting]

Don't ask for seconds, all right? [sniffs] Does it smell fishy?

[sniffs] New cologne?

- I wear it all the time. - I like it.

- You sure the lighting wasn't a bit hard? - It was brilliant.

What the hell are you doing here?

Freddie called after you left. I couldn't say no to him, could I?

Well, don't do anything outrageous. Stay out of my way.

[chattering]

[Paul] Well, I clearly drew the long straw.

[Monica] Good.

- [Freddie] You're here? - [Lizzie] Yeah.

Thank you.

Ah, Cavendish.

We've never really had a proper chat, have we?

No, we haven't, Lady Baddingham.

Oh, Monica, please. [chuckles]

We're all friends here.

Rupert Campbell-Black.

I presume, since we're the only people here without partners,

that we're being set up with each other, and just so you know,

I am perfectly comfortable with that.

- Do you have a boyfriend? - [Cameron giggles]

Kind of.

- Kind of. - Mm-hmm.

Best kind.

[chuckles]

Sorry. I think, uh, someone's been playing with the, um--

Everything all right, Valerie?

Yes. Yep. Yep, yep. Quite, quite all right.

Do you work with Cavendish, James? Hmm?

[James] Her name's Cameron.

No, I promise it's not.

No. Cavendish? Yes. See?

James thought you were called Cameron.

Yeah, it's Cameron.

Yeah.

But... Yes, but you always answer to Cavendish,

so, why didn't you say anything?

[Cameron] Well, you're my boss's wife.

[stammers] Silly girl.

There's no need f... Hon-Honestly, what peculiar behaviour.

[both chuckle]

[chuckles]

- [Rupert] "Salmon mousse." - [Lizzie] Do you like salmon mousse?

So, what have we got?

"Gingered French peasant, cravat sauce." [chuckles]

- "Desert château." - [chuckles]

Do you think it's garnished with actual sand?

- Garnished with leftover peasants maybe? - [both laugh]

[Valerie] Not frequently, no.

Uh, clockwise, Agatha please. Thank you.

- Sorry. - I did tell her. [chuckles]

[guests chattering]

[sighs]

Ah, Taggie.

Looks amazing. I do love a bit of pheasant.

[James] It looks delicious. Thank you, darling.

And how do you get on with Declan?

Well, I'm his producer, which gives him licence to be obnoxious.

God knows how his wife puts up with him.

Well, you could ask Taggie here. She's his daughter.

- [chuckles] - Oh, God, I'm-I'm sorry.

- [chuckles] - It's all sport with you, isn't it?

Blood sport mostly. The chase.

Oh, but if you caught something,

I don't think you'd know what to do with it.

[Rupert] Mmm.

She's quite the ball-breaker, your new producer. Where'd you find her?

Hunted her down in New York.

Ah, blood sports again.

You guys go to school together or something?

[chuckles] No, no, no, no.

And that's funny why?

Because as it happens, no, we didn't.

Rupert went to Harrow.

I went to grammar school.

And you'll never let anyone forget it, will you?

- I wasn't gonna say anything of the sort. - [Tony laughs]

It's you that won't let anyone forget it, Baddingham.

- Tony was quite different as a boy. - Oh.

Billy Bunter, weren't you?

Okay, what's grammar school,

and how is it different from where you went?

[Monica] Well, it's increasingly hard to say.

Rupert's school cost a lot more,

but they didn't spend any of it teaching him manners.

[laughs]

- Very good, Lady Baddingham. - Thank you.

- I can't imagine you fat, Tony. - It's where I got my drive to succeed.

[Valerie] Mmm. I wish Fred-Fred had a drive like that.

We can't budge the scales at all.

[all laughing]

Be careful what you wish for, Valerie. Might drive him to some dangerous places.

[James] Um, been meaning to say, Tony.

Uh, we found a presenter for our "caring for the elderly" segment.

She's a Jamaican lady living in Cotchester.

A 70-year-old widow with an adult daughter,

which makes her a Black single mother.

Box ticked.

I was brought up by a Black single mother.

Can't wait to tune in.

She's so exotic, isn't she? Where's she from?

America, I think.

[Sharon] Wayne likes Black girls, don't you?

[Wayne] What? Shut up.

You've got a picture of Grace Jones with no clothes on.

I saw it in your pants drawer.

It is going so well.

The pheasant was divine.

Everyone's saying so.

I knew you'd be wonderful at this.

[sighs] I'm sorry she put you in that thing.

It was me who wrote the menus out. That's why the spelling's so bad.

Oh, God. Your dyslexia.

I'm so sorry.

We thought we were taking the mickey out of...

someone else.

W-Well, you cook like a dream, even if you can't spell for shit.

[laughs]

[guests cheering, chattering]

- [Rupert] Bravo. - Pavlova.

- Bravo! - [Monica] Magnificent.

[sound fades out]

[chatter resumes]

What's your favourite thing about your job?

Well, what a lovely question.

Space. Up there.

Most British satellites use my computers now.

And sometimes I look up at the night sky,

and I see a little star winking back at me,

and I think, "I made that happen". [chuckles]

And it blows my mind.

- Chateau Gateau. - [Cameron] Mmm.

This looks divine.

Well done, angel.

[Taggie chuckles]

[gasps] Oh, God!

- [Taggie] God! - [gasps]

- Oh, dear. Oh. - [cackling]

You stupid bitch. What the fuck are you doing?

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

- Oops. - [Valerie] Fetch a cloth, Agatha.

- Don't fetch a cloth. It's Armani. - I'll pay for it.

- [chuckles] - [Cameron grunts] You couldn't begin to.

- [crying] S... - Needn't be a bitch about it.

[Taggie sobs]

Cameron, let's-let's go and get you tidied up.

Come on. Come with me.

- [snickers] - Rupert, how could you?

[stammers, laughing]

God, that is exactly the kind of crass, lecherous--

[grunts] I thought she'd like it. God knows her mother would have.

Women aren't just a buffet, laid out for you to snack on.

Perhaps she's not as innocent as you think she is.

- And that's a very cheeky little dress. - Valerie made her wear it to do the job.

Not that you'd understand.

With looks like hers, I would not have thought a career was that important.

Honestly, Rupert, this was badly done.

[sighs]

[guests chattering]

[laughing]

- [Rupert] Taggie, I thought-- - [Taggie] Get away from me.

- I thought you wanted me to. - Why on earth would you think that?

Well, you like to watch.

Thought you might be grown up enough to play too.

You're disgusting and I want nothing to do with you.

[Rupert sighs]

- Taggie... Hang on. - [engine starts]

[sighs]

Fucking idiot.

What a stupid fuck.

[sighs]

Rather dramatic end to the evening.

All these sobbing women. [sighs]

[Tony] Valerie all right?

She's chuffed to bits that you came to dinner.

So, thank you.

So...

this board thing.

My Val, she... she's keen for me to get into something more cultural.

So, why don't you send me over the business plan? I'll look over it.

I'll give you a call on Monday.

[♪ opera music playing]

[music stops]

[phone rings]

[Cameron] Last night was humiliating.

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

- You and me. - What? Why?

[sniffs, clears throat]

You were at Valerie Jones's dinner party?

Yeah.

I gather you got pudding tipped all over you by my daughter.

- I'll pay for the cleaning bill. - Wouldn't Rupert do that?

It was him that made Taggie drop the pudding when he groped her.

He what?

Oh, you didn't know? Ah.

It was more than a pinch on the bottom, wasn't it?

I didn't see it at the time, but "grope" sounds right.

I'm sorry. He... He fucking what?

Yeah, he's a promiscuous libertine, isn't he?

Fondles whoever he likes.

- Whoa, no. Hold on. Declan. Wait. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That bastard! Jesus, when I catch him, I'll f--

Interview him to death?

You know, that's an idea.

Think about it.

You go over there and thump him, who gets to see it?

One housekeeper and a gardener at best.

Have him on the show.

You can flay him in front of 16 million people.

Oh, but you already said you didn't want him, right? No hinterland.

[Tony] I didn't want him either.

I didn't want to give him the exposure, but exposing him?

Come on, that's a whole different show, isn't it?

That's where you destroy him,

and it lasts a fuck of a lot longer than a black eye.

Revenge is a dish best served on television.

[breathing shakily]

[♪ opera music playing]