Original subtitles

To all the Swedish, Danish, Parisian, Provençal and Corsican chainsmokers,

who by risking their lives have inspired us in our making of this film through

setting a bad example, the following persons wish to extend their deepest thanks.

My boy! There you are! Give me my last cigar.

- But dad... - Do as I say! You know where it is.

- Just one last cigar. - Don't say that, dad.

Disgusting.

Revolting.

But damned good.

Now you will take over, my boy.

You're just the man for it, but there is one condition...

The Man Who Quit Smoking

Beautiful people, detectives, crowds etc.,

and our friends from France ->

A movie by Tage Danielsson

I truly miss dad.

How he spoiled me!

He gave me this precious pot

when I turned three.

With a brilliant stuck to the bottom, so my pee would glow like the heavens.

Hugo Alighieri was a wonderful man, albeit slightly... eccentric.

No! Not for charity?!

Get this beast off of me!

If you can't take care of your dog, you shouldn't have one.

Get it away from me.

Poor Brando! Was he mean to you?

Was he swearing too? Making the angels in heaven cry?

That's why it rains, my Brando.

Or because of the dog angels lifting their legs.

Did you hear Brando? Now he's being blasphemous.

- Get that fucking thing out of here! - No, Brando stays here.

Maybe he will inheret something. He is part of the family, after all.

Really? He does? Is that why you resemble each other?

Do you know who dad is?

No? I thought so.

So, then... the testament and last will of Hugo Alighieri.

"Hi everyone!

Here's what I want to do with my money when I die.

Alighieri's Conglomerated Sausage Works,

founded and brought to the very top by me,

particularly by my introducing the black-skinned night sausage..."

Shameful!

"... has gone downhill lately. I have simply not had the energy.

"Do you want to know why?

"Those cursed cigars have impeded my work capacity.

The more cigars, the fewer sausages.

Of my private fortune, only 17 million crowns remain.

It is my last will that this money shall in its full go to my son Dante..."

- Fucking hell! - My God!

"... under one condition:

he must, under binding oath, promise to fully abstain from all forms of smoking

as of fourteen days after that he has been informed of the contents of this will.

The money in my account shall be frozen for one year after my death

and then transfered to Dante.

Should he, however, not give up smoking after fourteen days and for the next year

the money shall instead be transfered to my brother, Birger Alighieri -

a boring guy, but at least one that stands for clean living when it comes to smoking

and, unfortunately, in all other parts of life, which makes him, as I said, a boring guy.

Well, that's all.

Bye-bye, good folks!

In full possession of all my faculties, I, the late Hugo Alighieri, sign this will."

"The late..."

NO SMOKING

Good luck!

Remember the old saying: the sum of all vices is constant.

What you can't get from one area, you can compensate for in another.

Perhaps you don't understand.

I grew up with tobacco.

The memory of dad smells like a cigar.

Tenderness, affection, security - everything in my life smells like tobacco.

Even my first memories smell of smoke.

Since my first drag in a school bathroom

which the janitor, Larsson, discovered and told my principal and then my father

who laughed and said: Smoke this and we'll see how much you can handle.

I could handle it. Dad was so proud of me.

He sent my principal a box of Secunda cigars with a note:

"to be freely dispensed in the men's room."

I got a reprimand. Dad said, "don't worry. That one was more for me."

"I'm proud of you," he said.

Back then...

I have to quit in fourteen days.

"The sum of all vice is constant."

Booze + tobacco + women

+ maybe food + some sort of abnormal affection, maybe = the same sum.

But in my case the smoking accounts for, say, 95 % of it.

I drink in moderation, eat in normal doses

and chicks...

Well, I'm not a virgin. But pretty close.

Sure, there's been some dolce vita now and then. You know that.

It just takes forever to actually get some.

Plus a pipe does taste better.

Oh, woe is me!

What should I do, Bergström?

You've got to help me!

That's right! The company doctor...

He has to tell me how smoking kills.

Good thinking, Bergström!

You see doctor I've been in an awful shape lately -

I start panting when I walk up stairs, my heart hurts. I cough a lot, too.

I have horrible coughs. I fear that I'm gravely ill.

Give it to me straight, doctor. Don't spare me the details.

I think that you are just overworking yourself, nothing more.

But... my cough?

Maybe you should take some time off, travel to the Riviera, get some fresh air.

And there's nothing else I should bear in mind?

Well, maybe you could go more easy on...

...your drinking.

I'll prescribe you some vitamins as well.

No other lifestyle advice?

Like what? No... what do you mean?

No, I just...

Say, would you care for a cigarette, doctor?

Oh, thanks! Thank you very much.

Shall I light yours?

Don't you just love having one of these "stink sticks" every now and then, huh?

Do you smoke much, doctor?

Yes, you could say I do. At least two packages a day, I guess.

Speaking of smoking... I don't suppose you have any more advice.

Like I said before, go to the Riviera.

The air is so clean there that it's impossible to smoke too much.

But what about my problems with walking up stairs?

Well they don't have any long stairs down there.

So take the elevator. Keep smoking and enjoy life!

And then come back to me and we'll have a nice puff together.

13 days left

So... one more.

Bah!

- Uhm, sir... - Yes?

You see, sir, I tried quitting once myself, and these pills really helped.

- Really? - Take one.

Thank you.

Now smoke will taste like vomit in your mouth.

You won't be able to take a single puff.

Go ahead and try.

It makes it impossible

to smoke.

It tastes like shit!

But I can still smoke.

Your bodies are getting heavier and heavier.

You are getting completely relaxed.

You are thinking this:

I do not want to smoke,

I do not feel like smoking any more,

I am thinking about my health,

I am thinking about other things than tobacco,

I am thinking of a path in the woods,

smelling of fir trees.

And I am thinking about how great it'd be with a smoke right now.

I think we should all go together as a group and think like this:

tomorrow I'll quit smoking, tomorrow I will quit!

That was not good advice.

12 days left

Alighieri's United Sausage Inc. Building Europe's most modern smokehouse

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning, Mrs. Rosmarine.

Say, Mrs., how long have you been my secretary?

Well, three months and four...

No, I mean, four years and three months, sir.

So, then, the total period of your life during which you will have been my

secretary will be four years and six months.

What do you mean, sir?

Well, the term of notice is three months.

- Do you mean that I'm... - That's right. You're fired.

- But... why? I... - Nicotine abuse.

Have I become a sadist? Maybe it's time for a smoke.

Go ahead and smoke then!

I heard that you fired Mrs. Jonsson-Varin just like that.

That was rather crude.

Maybe it's best if you just start smoking again.

I fully understand that you're after my seventeen million,

uncle Knut-Birger, but the fact of the matter is that

I've thrown away all my tobacco and I feel great.

What if you remain that cruel and bitter if you never smoke again?

What if you start abusing kids?

Or start hating foreigners?

Or become a transvestite?

What if there's a murdering rapist within you?

Maybe it's the nicotine that keeps your gruesome sides suppressed?

Don't wear yourself out, uncle.

I will not purchase any more tobacco.

Well, I don't smoke

but I happen to have a case here.

Smoke Kent for a life well spent!

Great men, who really make a difference, are always smokers.

I will not buy any more tobacco. "Buy now"

Humphrey Bogart in "The Big Shot"

I will not purchase any more tobacco.

But maybe if I have some left...

It's fate!

Fate wants to give me one last smoke.

(lottery draw)

The TV lottery is great.

It's interesting, it's actually very good. It's so human!

Beautiful. Clever!

In a way truly compelling.

Tomorrow, Putte...

Tomorrow, nobody will be able to trick me into smoking.

Not even me.

Good luck.

11 days left

Tar in Cigarettes Causes Cancer

I've switched to Prince, too

There, there...

Still!

Still... still!

There we are.

You are completely happy.

Tobacco

The sum of all vice is constant.

Can't smoke. Only one thing to do.

Got a light?

My symbolical perceptions must have gotten messed up.

10 days left

And whom do you want me to follow around?

Me.

Sorry? I don't understand.

I want you to follow me. Day and night.

I'll pay any money. You may hire as many people as you like

as long as you make sure never to get me out of your sight.

I see. And what does sir wish us to find out about sir?

Mister Secret, this is no laughing matter.

I am trying to quit smoking. I haven't smoked for over 12 hours.

If you don't start your assignment within a few short minutes,

you risk my throwing myself upon you, picking your pockets for cigarettes.

Be on your guard.

I can already feel the uncontrollable desire gushing forth within me.

You must have misunderstood, sir.

Just give us clear orders and we shall follow them by the letter, sir.

Good.

So.

I cannot quit smoking on my own.

I can no longer pursue this inner battle. You will have to take over.

Your assignment is to make sure that I never get my hands on any form of tobacco.

- By what means? - By any means.

You may even use such force as you see fit.

But I will have to be able to trust in your competence.

No smoking utensils, chief.

Now get out.

Go ahead, have a seat.

I do apologize. Just had to make a first check.

Good. You're hired.

Effectively immediately, until further notice.

But if I should get so much as a chance to light a single cigarette, you're fired.

Naturally, sir.

Pardon my curiosity...

What's your reason? The threat of cancer?

No, it's for 17 million crowns.

All units to Blue Eve, all units to Blue Eve.

A pack of Philip Morris, please.

- 1.60, please. - Thank you.

This note is forged. Please come with me.

May I please have the cigar I ordered?

Of course, sir. My apologies.

I'm sorry, sir. We're fresh out of chocolate cake.

I didn't ask for cake. I want a cigar.

Of course. Forgive me. Pardon the mixup.

Well, here is your bill.

I didn't ask for the bill! I want my cigar!

Just a moment.

- Some more coffee with your cigar? - Yes, please.

A thousand apologies, sir.

Why the hell did I hire these sadists?

A carton of Philip Morris, please.

Nope.

- No smokes for you. - What do you mean?

Get lost, or I'll call security.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand.

Isn't this you, sir?

Warning! Do not under any circumstances sell this man tobacco!

...The authorities

- Where did you get this? - It was in the mail this morning.

From the authorities. It says so here.

What "authorities"?

How should I know?

So why do you obey that?

Why? Do you think I'm stupid?

But please, miss. What harm would it do you to sell me some tobacco?

I don't know what.

Maybe you're some sex maniac.

You take one drag and then you start assaulting people. How should I know?

Next.

- What would you like? - A Playboy and a Hustler.

Playboy and Hustler?

Well, you'll have to wait until he's out of sight.

You never know what he might do.

Tobacco

Say, I don't suppose you could go to the machine and get me a pack? Any brand!

Here are the coins.

No problem.

Here.

Half a dozen, with casing.

Hope it's your size.

Have a nice night.

Do you want a ticket to Paris from Copenhagen? Not from Stockholm?

No, that's fine.

Say, do you have any information on London?

- Sorry? - London!

I can't take it any more, dad.

I'm going to Paris.

I heard you're going to London.

Yes, that's my plan.

I would greatly appreciate if you could keep things running here

while I'm gone.

Of course, my young friend!

I'll make sure that stuffing gets done.

- Stuffing? - Sausages!

That we keep stuffing sausages!

May I offer you a Cuban?

No, thank you. I don't smoke.

Oh I'm sorry, dear friend.

I didn't realize you had quit this soon.

After all, you were given 14 days.

- Have you...? - Started smoking? That's right.

There wasn't anything about that in the will, was there?

Miss Olsson, please book a flight from Copenhagen to London for tomorrow.

And book them in the company's name.

Yes, sir.

You're so pretty, Vera.

- Did he say London? - Yes.

- Good morning, sir! - No, no. I'll carry it myself.

I'll open it myself, thanks. I want to go to the airport.

Taxi! Taxi!

Come with me instead

and we'll save the cab fare.

No check-in luggage?

No, I want this as cabin luggage. Some reading for the trip.

Let's go, Secret Svensson.

Excuse me, miss. May I have a carton of Philip Morris?

Here you are.

Here you are, Svensson.

It's a gift for you.

Because you're such a nice and secret guy, Svensson.

...we are now approaching Copenhagen

and wish to remind you that smoking is no longer allowed.

- Paris? Please proceed. - Thank you.

London? Please proceed.

Why the rush, Svensson?

The flight to London isn't leaving for another 45 minutes.

A bottle of Johnny Walker, please.

May I exchange these cigarettes for that bottle?

What?

Exchange these cigarettes for that bottle.

Sure.

Last call for flight 344, headed for Paris.

No, no. This is for Paris.

It's for London.

Thank you. And please bring me a large, fine ci...

Beautiful person.

Yes, mister Alighieri.

Huh? She knows my name?

Is she spying on me? Angel!

I would like a large, fine cigar.

I'm sorry. That's not possible, mister Alighieri.

- Why not? - Captain's orders, sir.

What orders? The captain doesn't know who I am.

No, but

we were sent word from the Danish airport.

- What? - We must not give you anything to smoke.

Fucking bitch. She doesn't love me.

I demand to see these orders at once!

Or else I will not remained seated with my seatbelt fastened

until the engines have been shut off, so help me God!

She's smiling.

Maybe she does love me after all.

Or...

Well, mister Alighieri, I'm not actually allowed to show you this.

But a secret policeman told us that you are allergic to tobacco smoke.

"He becomes insane and runs berserk when somebody smokes."

Is there anything else we can do for you?

Do you want a free drink, maybe?

What should I do? I have to quit smoking within 7 days and then not do it for a year

or else I won't get 17 millions and I shook off the detectives in Copenhagen

and the sum of all vice is constant and in Paris there are lots of Parisiennes which is

good because I will need a hell of a lot of Parisiennes or a cigarette now, now, now!

I see. I understand.

I have to tell you something, too.

My mom, who's divorced, and me...

Yes, excuse me for interrupting

but could you possibly bring me a glass of soda water?

Sure thing, ma'am.

Instead of wasting work time on private discussions.

I'm sorry. Good luck, anyway.

- Do you know any good hotel? - Yes, Le bon hôtel, at rue Vaneau.

- Yes, thank you. - All right.

Do you have a cigarette?

No. I don't smoke.

- Here you are. Room 64. - Cigarettes, please.

- Here you are, sir. - Thank you.

- Is room 65 available? - Let's see... yes.

- Here you are. - That's very kind of you, madam.

Good night, my friend.

A coffee, please

and a pack of cigarettes.

I don't have any more cigarettes.

If you don't have any cigarettes, you can take your over roasted fucking coffee

and pour it up your ass!

Put the coffee

in your behind

please.

Thank you. And cigarettes, please.

- Do you mind? - Go ahead.

- Not bad! - Bullseye! Well done.

The sum of all vice...

CHICKS!

Welcome to La dolce vita!

The sum of all vice is constant.

But matching two packs a day takes quite an effort.

No more bets!

- Do you have a cigarette? - But of course.

No, no, I won't.

No, thank you. I don't smoke.

Would you care to have lunch with me?

Sure.

Do you have a light?

No more bets?

Wanna help me fool that guy?

- Cheers to that! - Cheers!

We're going to fool you, she and I! Cheers!

This is my wife, who just arrived from Stockholm.

Gunhild Alighieri.

Excuse me, miss Gunhild. Would you happen to have a cigarette?

I don't smoke.

And what about you?

No, I don't smoke either.

Good, my friend. You haven't smoked.

She too. She's all right.

But no more of those. Or else...

Bon appétit, my friends.

- Now. - Now?

What the hell are you doing? You drug dealer!

You go upstairs, and do your real job.

- That son of a bitch! - Did it go well?

Well?! Do you know what he said?

"Do your real job!"

Oh well. Do it, then.

Let go of me!

I thought I told you...

You're fired.

Fired. You didn't do your job.

You can tell the agency in Stockholm that you're all fired, every one of you.

I'm smoking! Voilà!

I can't stand this smell.

Farewell, my love.

1 day left

- My son. - Yes, dad.

What is it, dad?

My son, you have let me down.

You are smoking again.

I'm sorry, dad, but I just couldn't...

You have to!

But what should I do?

Help me, dad! What should I do?

Love somebody, son.

Nothing is greater than love.

I learned that up above.

I tried, but it only worked for a while.

Nonsense!

You have to find your true love.

My true love?

She who carried you above the clouds.

But how? I don't even know her name.

Her name is...

Dawn!

I'd also gladly speak Swedish with you.

The attendant. The flight attendant, what's her name?

I'm afraid we're not allowed to disclose such information.

It's a matter of life and death! I'll die, I'll die!

All right, calm down.

Her name is Morris.

Beatrice Morris.

And where is she? Not Australia! Don't tell me Australia!

No, you're actually in luck. She has today off.

- But where? - In Paris.

Hotel Scribe.

Most of them live there.

Beatrice!

Your home address, please.

- Where am I? - In my hotel room.

- Who are you? - Beatrice Morris.

You know that. You asked for me at the office.

Yes, I know. I just wanted to make sure

that I'm awake.

You are awake.

Hi, Beatrice.

Hi, Dante.

Oh Beatrice, I have to quit smoking!

It's quite strange, that you and I have met each other.

I don't think anyone can understand your situation better than I can.

You see, my father's name was...

...Philip Morris.

Yes, not the Philip Morris, but a relative of his, with the same name.

Mom met him during a ski holiday.

He wanted to quit smoking, but he wasn't allowed.

His family made him smoke.

Could you imagine Philip Morris the nonsmoker?

So he got a heart attack and died on the spot.

That day I swore never to smoke again.

So you were...?

A chain smoker, even?

Your mouth feeling like a wooden box every morning when you wake up?

Oh Beatrice, help me!

I'll try.

Do you know what the sum of all vice is?

Constant.

I think we need some fresh air.

Is that your sister?

This is my wife, who just arrived from Stockholm.

A single room, please.

Here you are, madam. Good night.

- Let's go up to my room. - To our rooms.

Fine, go to your room. I'll go back to Dolce vita.

- Do you have to? - Yes I do.

Even if I have to go to 19 men and one woman.

Calm down, Dante.

Be calm.

What should I do? I'll go crazy if I can't have a cigarette.

Or you.

Let's...

...play some tic-tac-toe.

If you want to.

No, I don't

Sit down.

Oh well, time for Dolce vita.

Please don't go there, Dante.

For me.

For you?!

And what did you do for me?

Anything you want... almost.

I'm just not used to things going this fast.

Fuck! It's past eleven. I can't wait any more!

If I smoke after midnight, I will lose the 17 million.

17 million!

Actually I don't care about the 17 million.

Perhaps I don't need to smoke.

Perhaps I will be able to control myself.

Perhaps I can.

But I do know that I am crazy about you.

That's why I'm doing this.

Because I'm... crazy about you.

Tell me, when you quit smoking, did you also become a sex maniac?

Who did you sleep with?

With the Masons Union of Norway, 48th division.

- Now I really need to smoke, Beatrice! - Come. I have something to show you.

Look at them, at the bottom of the abyss.

They probably smell very bad.

And look here - a circle further away.

The "one pack a day" smokers, that tell you that they can quit when they want.

If only they wanted to.

Here are the light smokers, clinging their lips around their filters.

Thank you, Beatrice. Maybe I don't have to smoke after all.

["Nu är det jul igen" - Christmas song]

Merry Christmas.

"Merry Christmas from Knut-Birger!"

Your uncle is such a crook.

The worst part is that he seems to have put Karl-Gustaf Secret on me.

- Secret? - Little Secret Service!

The striped suits.

I'm doomed.

But first... let's have a smoke.

Want one?

The Ritual

Do you know how to properly light a Camel?

Well you pull one out Of your pack...

Unwind and relax With a Camel

This ritual Is just ideal

Rich and strong A full aroma

But smooth Like a smile

The world's most popular

Try one and you'll see why

A Camel is like a cool oasis

Smoke them everyday Every which way

Hey! Do we have any food?

Do we anything at home? I'm afraid to eat out.

Of course we do.

Why don't you open this and I'll make us a salad.

Night Sausage

Look at the sausages!

How am I going to live like this for another month?

Let's run away.

Rumor has it that, wherever he was, Napoleon only had to close his eyes

to feel the smell of Corsica.

Feel it! What is that heavenly smell?

Myrtle.

I can smell again.

I can smell again!

Hear that, Corsicans? I can smell again!

May I?

A big bottle of that one, please.

- This size? - Yes, please.

Help!

Where is she? Where?

Good morning.

How are things?

- Cigarette? - Fuck off!

Don't get excited now. We have plenty of time.

But unless you smoke before noon

things will get very unpleasant for that blonde of yours.

What have you done to her?

Nothing... yet.

You crook!

Love, love

The most beautiful thing on earth

Isn't love grand?

You bastard.

Give me a cigarette.

Things will be more pleasant that way.

You crook!

No, no. I'll light it myself.

If he so wishes...

- You thief! - I'm sorry!

I think it's time that we had a chat, you and

I, Dante Evert Karl-Birger Rudolf Alighieri

do hereby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Today is exactly one year from the time we read the last will of Hugo Alighieri.

And now I ask you, Dante Alighieri:

Have you, during the outset time, abstained from the use of tobacco?

This picture was taken two weeks ago by one of my employees on Corsica.

Well, then! It seems that the money is mine.

It's a lie! I did not smoke.

Yes, you did, and Mr. Secret can confirm it.

What does Mr. Secret say?

Mr. Dante Alighieri is completely right. What I said before was a lie.

What the hell are you saying, Secret?

I just said that he did not smoke.

Have you lost your mind?! I gave you a million to say that he did..

- A million! - Scandalous!

I already received the money. It's in Switzerland now.

However, I happened to stumble upon Mr. Alighieri in a cottage on Corsica

who promised to give me two million for tellin the truth.

I haven't received those two million yet. That's why I'm telling the truth.

Otherwise I'd be an idiot.

You crook! They should lock you up.

Hah! Maybe a fine, tops. I think I can afford that.

You'll never see the inheritage money, old man.

You just made a powerful enemy!

You'll never find me. I'm in disguise.

Let us dance, let us dance

Upon blissful hills

In the heavenly garden Where no other people can be seen

Let us bathe in the fresh scents Of the early morning

In the land of our desires Where nobody just switched to Prince

Let us dance, let us dance

Upon blissful heights, in the early light Not spoiled by smoke from any pipes

As we reap the pleasures Of our newly discovered senses

Where no upper lips Are pouting with snus

We are gathered here today, not to force anyone into anything...

...to be as happy as we are!

We shall give, to our mission All that we shall ever inherit

Let us help you discover Fresh scents once more

Discover variations in flavor When feasting on your canned herring

Which for smokers at most taste herring

Let us dance, let us dance Upon blissful grounds

Let us satisfy our senses Upon blissful kitchen floors

Let us weepingly observe How those blissful souls peel -

Under strong nasal sensations - Those sweet an blissful onions

Come to us, you who used to believe That all the scents that surround us

Were equal parts dross and tar

Come enjoy the nuances Of the fruits that we have

Feel the scent from the roses Increase with the morning dew!

Subs by pueben