All language subtitles for Hapless.S01E05.REPACK.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Surely, that's impossible to prove.

[Editor On Phone] You're probably right.

I mean, leaves aren't even
listed as an ingredient.

[Editor] Why is this relevant to Jews?

Yeah, well there might
be more than 15,854.

There might be less.
But what are the chances of there being

exactly 15,854?

[Editor] No one gives a blind fuck.

There's not even a trace.

[Editor] Now listen up,

I need you to do the “Rabbi
Answers” page this week

-Why?
-[Editor] He's doing a bike ride

-in Israel for the RSPCA.
-Just send through the questions then.

[Editor] What questions?

The questions the rabbi has to answer.

[Editor] Oh, oh yeah, those questions.

No, we make them up.

Let me get this right,
every week you dedicate a page to a Rabbi

answering readers' questions.

And you just make up the questions?

[Editor] Who the fuck would
want to ask a Rabbi a question

in a paper when they could
just ring up a fucking Rabbi?

Yeah, my point exactly.

[Editor] Which is why we make them up!

Mazel tov!

-What for?
-I'm an Uncle!

Well, then I say it to you.

Oh, okay, let's start again.

Start again.

Mazel tov, you're an Uncle!

I am?

Come in!

That's great news, boy or girl?

-Boy.
-Mother and baby doing well?

-Under the circumstances.
-[Paul] Those being?

Well, uh, Roman Catholic
father, Jewish mother.

You may remember the wedding.

Yeah, Liam offered me a wafer,
that was the body of Christ.

And you said you were gluten-free.

Yes, am I forgiven?

Not really, but Amanda does need our help.

[Paul] Okay.

So Liam is anti
the whole circumcision thing.

Really?

Anti the whole cutting off the top of his
baby's penis? You surprise me.

So uh, look, he says that it’s her choice,

but he doesn't want to have
anything to do with it.

So do you know any circumcising people?

A mohel? Yes, yes, actually I do.

My dentist, Bernard Levy.

Your dentist is also a mohel?
How much pain does he like causing?

Well, he's been doing
it for donkey's years,

he's not marathon man.

Do you want me to give him a call?

Is it safe?

I don't know if it's safe.

-Is it safe?
-I don't know if it's safe.

-Is it safe?
-Yes, it's safe! It's very safe!

All right, give him a call.

[inquisitive instrumental music]

Look at this.

Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me.

Hi.

Hi, what's this?

Well, that's a tooth, at end stage
periodontal disease. As it says.

No it's not, that's a vagina.

Is it?

Why do you have a poster
of female genitalia

in your waiting room?

I haven't.

Is that a clitoris?

Oh, I can see
what you're saying, but then,

can you point out the anus?

-No, you're right, I can't.
-Hm, that’s because it's a tooth.

How can I help?

Um, my sister had a baby yesterday.

-Mazel tov.
-Cheers!

Um, yeah, he's healthy, over six pounds.
They live in Sheen.

Paul's recommended you.

Well, I'm happy to help.

I need to see the boy beforehand,

ideally on, say Thursday.

Oh, wait a sec.
How do I persuade my sister

that you're, you know,
the right man for the job?

Well it's like choosing a dentist,

it's more often based on a recommendation.

Although, if you get a filling messed up,
you can go to a different dentist.

It's not like you can take
a possibly mangled penis

-to a different mohel.
-Yeah, do you have any pictures?

Of?

Before and after, you know,
obviously, not straight after.

You know, healed.

No, I do not collect pictures
of baby's boys penises.

Have a little faith. I'm a dab hand.

Okay, uh, I guess.

Paul hasn't been able to give
me an indication of cost.

Well the tradition is that

someone who carries out
the circumcision is doing God's work

so, there's no formal fee.

Wow, it's like a charitable thing.

No formal fee.

It's left to the parents
of the baby to give

whatever they think is appropriate.

Okay, but can you give me, you know,

a sort of guideline.

Not really.

Can't you give him like a little clue,

like a little shake of the head.

If you insist.

So, fiver?

-Hm, a slight shake there.
-Yeah, ever so slight.

Um, so okay fifty?

More than fifty?

It's like an hour's job.

I visit the boy before and after
to check all is well.

Three visits? 150 pounds?

[coughing]

250?

God damn, considering you’re not supposed
to be making any money out of this,

you're not doing badly.

Is it under 500 pounds?

Well, if 500 is what
the parents choose to give.

[inquisitive instrumental music]

Happy?

I just have to run it past Amanda.

[phone ringing]
[Paul scoffs]

Hello.

Hey, it's me.

-[Paul] What do you want?
-What makes you think I want anything?

History.

Oh, well listen,
I've got a great story for you.

How soon can you come over?

Uh, well, I got a meeting now,
so maybe two?

Okay, great, this is going
to make your name.

[excited gasps]

[knocking lightly]

-Hi.
-Hi.

-I'm Mike.
-Hi.

Come on in.

How can I help?

Well, I am investigating this shower gel

that I bought at a local supermarket

in your constituency.

Yes.

Well look at the label.

Yes.

I mean that's a very specific number.

It is.

I also bought this
in the same supermarket.

I mean, this peanut butter
claims to be life-changing.

-Life changing?
-Life changing.

I've been eating that for months
and my life hasn't changed.

I mean, granted,
if you've a got a nut allergy

and you eat it and you die,

that's life changing.

But otherwise, zilch.

Look at this.

This says spaghetti Bolognese.

There's no spaghetti Bolognese in that.

The biggest ingredient in this is potato.

I mean if I poured that into a bowl,

I'd be bitterly disappointed.

Just be like a paste or something.

And look at this, doubly delicious.

How could anything be doubly delicious?

I see.
Now, what is it that you'd like me to do?

Well, surely there must be some,
I don't know

select committee that deals
with trading standards?

-There is.
-You know, companies should be able

to back up these claims.

When you go to Perfect Pizza,

you don't expect the pizza to be perfect.

I do.

Last night, I went to a takeaway
called "Best Kebab."

It's just a name.

But if it says Best Kebab, surely, surely,

it should be the best kebab.

In Finchley?

In London?

The best Kebab globally?

Waitrose Essentials.

They're not exactly essential, are they?

We don't need them.

We could live without them.

Yes, but that's my point.

Yes? Surely you should be standing up

for the little people in
the face of big business.

I think you're getting us
confused with the Labour Party.

Now look, I'm a journalist
for The Jewish Enquirer.

-The who?
-The Jewish Enquirer... it doesn't matter.

I'm also the paper's Rabbi this week.

A Rabbi?

Well, this week.

Well Rabbi, I love Jewish people.

My party loves Jewish people!

In fact, I annually
attend the Golders Green

lighting ceremony for Hanukkah.

Oh.

And only last year

I went to a Passover Seder.

[inquisitive instrumental music]

Mister?

My dog's broken its leg.

Well, that's a shame.

We're raising money
so it can have an operation.

Oh, what are you doing?

We're raising money.

Oh, well, you're doing like...

you're doing like a sponsored swim?

No.

No? Bike ride?

No.

Sponsored silence?

No, people are just giving me money.

Oh, all right.

Don't you think you should be doing
something for your little doggy,

rather than just relying
on the kindness of strangers?

Give it back, Chantal!

What are you talking about?
Her dog's hurt.

She lives next door.
There is no fucking dog!

Why is everybody trying to scam me?
Doesn't anyone tell the truth anymore?

I mean look, look at this.

What?

Well can you believe that?

This is what occupies your thoughts?

No, look, why is the main ingredient aqua?

So people pay more money for it.

If they just put water,

no one would buy it. Problem solved.

This is Leanne.

-[Paul] Oh yeah?
-Leanne runs a YouTube channel.

She has over 300,000 followers.

Oh, what do you do?

I talk about stuff.

Stuff?

Like what?

Homework, dates, food,
makeup, climate change,

GBLT plus rights, terrorism.

And you have over
300,000 YouTube followers?

[Leanne] Yep.

Do you express strong views on things?

Sure, yeah sometimes I say climate change

is really, really bad.

Sometimes I say it's brilliant.

I do think people
shouldn't blow up other people

unless they have a very,
very good reason though.

Ah, it's a comedy thing.

No.

What, it's serious?

I'm not very bright to be honest.
[awkward laugh]

I do do it in my underwear.

She does it in her underwear.

Genius.

It's been a pleasure Leanne.

Definitely.

-Okay.
-[laughing]

Great, I'll see you out.

Okay? 300,000 followers.

300,000.

I really appreciate you coming.

-[Leanne] That's okay.
-[Naomi whispering] I think you did great.

Bye, sweetheart.

[door closes]

Sweetheart? Are you nuts?

She's just using her body to attract hits

while she talks utter shite.

It's her body,
and her right to do what she wants.

And of those three 300,000 followers,

how many do you think
are fat, middle aged men?

Well, my guess is all of them.

Okay, she's got brains from Oxfam,
but she's using what she's got

to get what she wants.

it's fucking admirable.

That's what it is.

Anyway look, her mum is a friend from work

and she's just found out
she's got ovarian cancer.

So?

So her mum is ill.
So any good news is a bonus.

What you think
if I just do a story on her,

it's just going to magic
the cancer out of her?

The two are completely unconnected.

Be a mensch.

Is she having chemo? Because that's
going to be a lot more helpful.

[phone ringing]

Hi, Simon.

[Simon] Liam Says it's too much.

What?

[Simon] He wants to make
it 150, including VAT.

VAT? I think it’s probably cash in hand.

[Simon] He wants you to negotiate.

All right, okay.

What was that about?

Oh, Simon's sister's just had a baby boy.
You should call him.

Oh, yeah.
Oh hi Simon, congratulations, bye Simon.

-Not much of a call.
-Come on, you dated.

Yeah, we fucked.

Oh, that is unnecessary.

Well, guys say it.

Pissed up kids on Ryanair say it.

Not middleclass divorcees
who do Zumba on a Thursday.

All right, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard.

Bernard?

Bernard.

Yeah, the mohel.

Bernard Levy, please,
please tell me you're joking?

No, he's my dentist.

Yeah, I know who he is.

Shaky hands Bernie, he did Joshie,
Dad nearly killed him.

I don't remember that.

That's because you were standing
at the back chatting up that waitress.

Joshie was screaming the place down.

So I asked him what was up.

And?

He said he was, um, doing some trimming.

Trimming?

-Trimming?
-Trimming.

But you can't trim a foreskin.

No, you fucking can't.

That's 300 pounds I'm never getting back.

[Paul] Changed your mind, have you?

Yeah, I'm just being cautious.

Oh, you're joking.

-What?
-What's this?

Oh, it's a dental implant.

No, it's not, it's a vagina
with a vibrator inserted.

-I'm an Orthodox Jew and I don't see it.
-What's being Orthodox got to do with it?

You know what a vibrator is.

This kippa protects
me from seeing the things

that God doesn't want me to see.

Oh, and God doesn't wanna see you

putting up a picture
of a battery operated,

self-pleasuring device.

That's it. In a nutshell.

A nutshell? God.

Can't wait to see what a picture
of one of those looks like.

Moving on.

So, it's all sorted, I gather?

No, see I was,
I was talking to my sister Naomi

and you did her son Joshie,

about five years ago?

[chuckling] Well, I do so many,
after a while,

all penises begin to look
the same as you can imagine.

Yeah, well I bet you
can remember this one.

So, how many have you trimmed?

[chuckles awkwardly]

Just doing a quick trim.

It's just an old joke
I use to lessen the tension.

I also use here goes the unkindest cut,

and I promise I'll leave
you some meat and two veg.

-Yeah
-It's just jokes.

Yes, but he was you know, screaming.

Your hands were shaking.

Okay?

I'll do it for 450.

Well, you did it for my sister for 300.

That's five years ago.

I'm not after a discount.

So what do you want then?

Frankly, I was wondering if you could
recommend someone else.

So do you call up an electrician

and ask if he can recommend
another electrician?

All right, fair point.

Why don't you find another dentist too!

What?
You're firing me for being my dentist?

Well, you can stay if you want,

but look at my hand.

[dramatic instrumental music]

Thanks for helping with this.

Oh, it's fine.

My nephew's a hungry guy.

[sighs] Incessant.

Save some for the rest of us.

Let him eat now while he's not mutilated.

Come on, it's just like an ear piercing.

Actually, the foreskin is the most
sensitive part of the penis.

Rubbish.

There are twice as many nerve endings

in the foreskin than in the clitoris.

Okay, so you've been having crap sex

and you're condemning my son to the same.

Excuse me, I have fabulous sex.

Thank you, Simon?

I've got nothing to compare to,

but it's pretty damn sensitive enough.

All right okay so, that's the foreskin.

Okay? All soft and tickly.

Right, and you're coming in.

[chomping aggressively]

All right, all right, okay.

What if it's more like this?

Ah, ah, ow!

Pain gone.

Ooh!

[baby whining]

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?
I'm just looking away.

It's just a breast.

Yeah, but it's your wife's breast.

Looking away means you're thinking
of her breasts in a sexual way.

Otherwise, you'd just ignore it.

Oh no, I totally agree with you.

Breasts are sexual.
There’s no getting away from it.

I mean, taking a bra off
for the first time,

that's one of life's
most magical experiences.

So you've been sitting there,

just drooling over Amanda's breasts?

Well, I think your son's doing
that more than enough for all of us.

Do you have a cover or something? Sorry.

Liam, get a scarf.

Oh, Jesus fucking... [sighs]

Really?

[Liam] What now?

Well couldn't you have chosen
something a little less Palestinian?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't have an Israeli flag to hand.

Get a clean dish cloth.

No, no, the options
are looking at Amanda's breasts

or worrying that my scarf is anti-Zionist.

Okay? Take your pick.

Okay, I have found a guy

based in Hendon.

Let me see.

Oh, Christ! He's an animal slaughterer.

Yeah, but he also does circumcision.

Think of all that experience with a knife.

No.

My son's not going to look like me.

Hey, you know, if that's a problem,
you can also get it done yourself.

-Simon?
-He's going to look like a Jew.

He is a Jew.

Half.

You could always have him drowned.

Drowned?

Yeah, yeah, drowned in the font thing.

-Baptised?
-Yeah, there you go.

-No.
-Hey, hey, hey, no that's fair.

No, no, that's--

We got married in a fucking church,

as agreed.

There's a guy here in Harley Street

who says he does boys
up to the age of eight.

Eight? That's barbaric.

Oh, so eight years is barbaric,

but eight days is a fucking celebration?

Yes, it is.

Oh, he's Muslim.

How do you know that?

He's called Abdullah Al Shawari.

He uses anaesthetic, uh,
he's got more letters after his name

than actually in his name

and it says he'll come
and actually do it in your house.

No fucking way!

No! Not here.

Not in this house.

Don't even get me fucking started

about the fucking guy coming to the house

and chopping off my son's,
my son’s fucking foreskin, no!

Not in this house.

Not today!

Not tomorrow!

I'm not having that happen.

Your house has got far
more space than mine.

You know, plenty of natural light.

Sorry, what exactly
are you proposing here?

Friday morning, all right.

One hour tops.

Guy comes in, snippy snip, snip. All done.

Shaky hand Bernie, not involved?

No, got a Muslim doctor.

A Muslim? To do a Brit?

Yeah, well Liam's checked him out and--
Well, he's not happy, but.

Yeah, I bet. Does he know what he's doing?

Do you know how many Muslim men
there are in the UK?

About 5 million, all circumcised.

Do you know how many Jews?

A hundred thousand?

About a hundred and fifty tops.

So you tell me who you would trust.

I'll do you a deal.

Oh, can't you just do it
out of the goodness of your heart?

How long have we been brother and sister?

Too long.

Get Leanne to cover it, okay?

-Get Leanne to cover it.
-[groaning]

Get her into the paper,
and then you can have it here.

[groaning]

Okay, so how about
this for “The Rabbi Answers”?

Do uncircumcised men have
better sex than circumcised men?

[Editor] No way, I'll get fired.

[Paul] Why?

[Editor] Do you think
I could print a story about

how all Jewish men are bad in bed?

Not bad in bed.

[Editor] That's what people will think.

Yeah, but it's Muslims as well.

[Editor] I'm not fucking
printing that story, okay?

Well, how about this?

Is it still kosher to breastfeed

if you’ve just eaten a packet
of pork scratchings?

[Editor] And what's the answer?

Well, I don't know.

[Editor] Just come up with an answer!

All right.

Yes.

[Editor] You know what? You're a shit,
I'll find someone else.

Good. Anyway, I've got a better story.

I'm going to a bris on Friday morning.

[Editor] What is it, willy week?

And, there's going to be
a young female blogger there

who does everything in her underwear.

So, you interested?

[Editor] Am I fuck.

Is that, am I fuck yes or am I fuck no?

[Editor] Yes, am I fuck yes, of course.

Yeah, of course.

So, you're inviting me to a circumcision.

It's called a Mitzvah.

Doing something good for no reason at all.

You know, just the sheer joy of it.

So by attending,
I'll be doing a Mitzvah.

Yes, it's also going
to be covered by the paper

and a young female vlogger.

On Friday morning?

Yes, sadly I'm busy.

Please pass on my thanks to the family

and all Jews for their
wonderful contribution

to British society.

She does have over
300,000 YouTube followers.

Okay, we’re nearly ready here.

Where do you want me to sit?

Uh, over here by the window, please.

If you're going to be holding him,

you better not fucking move.

You're letting him hold the baby?

Hi, so this is Mike Geddis, MP.

This is Leanne who is covering the story.

Hi, Leanne.

Um, my mum wrote down
some questions for me to ask.

She must be very proud of you.

Why do I have to wait five months

for my ovarian cancer operation?

[laughing]

When are you going to fix
the pot holes in Finchley?

And why did you lower corporation tax?

I've a small tradition I always use.

Just before I commence the procedure,

I will say dekh kebootar.

It means look, pigeons in Urdu.

Just to distract the baby.

Wow, imagine the NHS doing that,

Look, pigeons! Whip out a kidney.

Look, pigeons! No need for an epidural.

No, there will be an anaesthetic too.

Whiskey might help me.

Where's Liam? Upstairs taking a last look.

All right, Simon, Simon, Simon!

Can I borrow you?

[baby cooing]

Okay, are you willing to do
some objective research?

About what?

All right, now look, we have two feathers.

All right, Simon,
hold them with each hand.

We're going to drop trouser

and you're going to touch us
both at the same time

and we'll see who feels it first.

But that's, that's not an objective test.

It's not that objective
but it might help a bit.

I'm not comfortable with that.

You're not comfortable?

I don't want to use feathers
to touch your willies?

Or anything.

Fine, I’ll do it,
if you're not ready for it.

-Those are my options?
-Those are the options, give it to me.

Okay, come Liam, come here.

Come here, come sit down.

All right.

Make it quick.

[baby cooing]

Go on, go on.

Good, sit down.

All right, now take off your trousers.

Okay.

Close your eyes. No cheating.

Okay.

Go on, okay.

Let's begin.

[soft breaths]

-Now!
-Now!

[Paul] Mm-hm.

[both] Now!

Now!

-Now!
-Now!

Baby.

-Now!
-Now!

-Now!
-Now!

-Now!
-[Simon] Ah!

-Now!
-Now!

-Now!
-We're waiting for you downstairs...

Oh, this is normal.

-Thanks, Mister.
-[Simon and Joshie distantly] Now! Now!

I hope he recovers.

How much did you give her?

10 pounds.

Let's pray her horse recovers.

Okay, Liam's good to go.

How can I help,

or are you just going from house to house
giving money away generally?

I'm here for the baptism.

Wrong house. Sorry.

Chris, come on, come on in.

What the fuck?

This is Chris Lessing.

He's going to be carrying out an informal

baptism after the genital slicing.

Great.

How wonderful!

Oh, you conniving Irish prick.

So, the anaesthetic has kicked in.

Here we go then,
in line with the Jewish tradition.

Give the baby a small sip of wine.

Uh, one minute, please?

Rolling!

Hi, everyone.

I'm filming a circumcision, a boy one.

[Al Shawari] It's you.

The YouTube girl.

Hey, two of your fans already here I see.

Oh wow, nice to meet you both.

Um, Mike Geddis, Tory MP, and?

Dr Al Shawari.

[indistinct chatter]

Get a grip buddy.

Just grab that there.

Oh, put you-- Okay.

[Al Shawari clears throat] Right.

[instruments playing]

Dekh Kabootar. Dekh Kabootar.

Dekh Kabootar!

All done.

[All] Mazel tov!

And we will now baptise the baby.

In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

[baby starts crying]

Anyone know any Hebrew?

Uh... Adon Olam?

-[baby crying]
-Dekh kabootar! Dekh kabootar!

Look! Pigeons!

-[Simon humming]
-Look at the pigeons!

Adon Olam...Asher nana.

-Look at the pigeons.
-[indistinct shouting]

Coo. Coo.

[Naomi] Look at the fucking pigeon!

[upbeat instrumental music]

Oomph!

[indistinct chatter]

Oomph!

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Ghana Ghana, feel the beats ♪

♪ Move your body in the streets ♪

♪ Kwasi Modo bringing the heat ♪

♪ The Ghanaian with the magic feet ♪

♪ Holler holler, jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Make some big noise
For the black stars ♪

♪ Trama na-ma-ne ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana, yeah ♪