All language subtitles for Hapless.S01E04.REPACK.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

[rustling at door]

[grunting and gasping]

Still there?

[Ronnie] Yeah, still here.

So, just seen a woman bring her
suitcases out to the side of the road,

go back in to get her hand luggage

and then as she's coming out,

guy on a moped drives up, nicks them.

[Ronnie] Is she Jewish?

Really, really?

You want me to go back and ask?

Just because we are a Jewish newspaper

doesn't mean we can't tackle
national issues.

[Ronnie] I still need a Jewish angle.

-It's in North London!
-I need more than that.

Get me a jangle.

Jews only ride mopeds
on holiday in Greece.

Now look, there's a vegan baker

who's set up a stall in Finchley.

-Where's your jangle there then?
-[Ronnie] She'll take a half-page ad.

That's the jangle.

Oh, I see.

All right, look, how about this?

Jewish man unfairly penalised

for so-called driving offense.

-[Ronnie] Who?
-Me!

[Ronnie] If you get a whiff,

the slightest whiff
of anti-Semitism, let me know.

-Hm.
-[doorbell rings]

-All right, I've gotta go.
-[Ronnie] Schmooze the vegan!

-All right.
-[doorbell rings]

[Naomi] For you.

-Bread?
-Not just bread. Pre-sliced.

Frozen?

Almost as if you've just
taken it out of the freezer

to come 'round here to ask me a favour.

Can't a sister give her brother
a fucking loaf of bread, for fuck's sake?

What are you doing later?

I've got a date and I can't get a sitter.
Please?

-Please.
-Can't, can't, I'm busy.

Oh, freelance journalist busy
or proper job busy?

I'm on a blind date.

-Well, mine takes priority.
-Why?

Because I've fucking met mine
and he's expressed interest

and you're lying.

Why did you arrange to go out

if you didn't have a sitter
in the first place?

I didn't know every Jewish teen in London

was gonna be at some club
tonight, the fuckers!

Wow.

Your sensitive side's really wasted in HR.

Do you love your nephew or not?

Yes, of course.

-See you at 7:30 then!
-I'll think about it.

No, you won't!

Don't waste that bread, it's good shit!

Hello, hello. Me again.

You were here yesterday.

Yes, yes, I was

and normally when I get
a key cut, it works.

Now look, I had two cut from this.

Now the first one, amazing,

you know, like a knife through butter.

Second one, not so much.

So, it doesn't work?

Well you see, I have to,
I have to push, twist, pull, turn.

Push, twist, pull, turn.

-Push, twist--
-So it works.

It fulfills the job of opening the door.

-Yes, but not to my satisfaction.
-No problem.

I'll cut you another one.

Won't be till this afternoon though.

Can't you just rattle it off now?

If you want one that doesn't work,
I can rattle it off now, yeah.

No, I've already
got one like that, thanks.

Look, I've gotta do this ridiculous
speed awareness course this afternoon.

What were you doing?

36.

-24 in a 20 zone, bastards.
-Bastards.

There was kids on push bikes
with stabilisers going past me.

Bastards.

Still, it's better than
taking the points, isn't it?

Seeing as we're bonding
over this speed aware--

-Do you live locally?
-Yeah.

I'll drop it off when I close up.

-Really?
-That's great.

Leave me the master,
you take the dodgy one.

Thank you.

You're forgetting something.

Sorry I was a bit rude earlier.

Your address?

Hm?

Your address?

108c Barnet Way.

[upbeat music]

Really screwed up.

What? Hey!

[scoffs] I've gotta get this
damn key recut.

The guy said he'd drop it off
but then he asked for my address.

So?

So if I give him my address,

he A, has my front door key

and B, now knows where I live.

I mean, he could have
underworld acquaintances.

-Yeah, he could.
-I mean, I don't know him.

Yeah, you don't know him.

I mean, he could be part of some big

underground gang
conspiracy criminal thing.

Exactly.

You could be kidnapped and drugged

and you could go to Romania,
you're gonna be a sex slave.

This is serious, all right?

I mean, I had to make up an address.

Okay, so, what?

The key is going to somewhere
that doesn't actually exist?

I panicked, panicked.

I said 108c Barnet Way.

I wouldn't wanna even visit
108c Barnet Way,

let alone burgle it.

What are you doing this afternoon?

I am on a date with my GP.

-Where?
-Her surgery.

That's an appointment.
You've just made an appointment.

Semantics, why don't you do it?

I've got this bloody awful
speed awareness course.

Okay, look, 108c Barnet Way,
that's Mill Hill Golf Club.

-Oh, fucking hell.
-So you've got two options.

One is you can join
an expensive golf club today

and tell them to expect a delivery.

Or two, just tell him your actual address.

Great.

Great, might as well just give him
my card and PIN number.

Or, or option C.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Welcome to today's speed awareness course.

You've all been caught doing over
30 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

So, what's it to be?

Hanging? Firing squad?

Lethal injection?

Why the sad faces?

It's far worse to get
caught doing over 40.

We do all three.

So, let's find out
what everyone's been doing, shall we?

Who's first?

Waiting for it.

Waiting for it.

Bingo!

I'm Paul, I was doing 36.

Wow, Lewis Hamilton.

But it was on the Finchley Road.

No but here, Paul.

Hashtag it's not fair.

Hashtag that's right, no it's not!

Who's next?

-I'm Julie, I was doing 39.
-[phone ringing]

No phones please.

I'll just take it outside.

Be quick.

[Naomi] How's the non-existent
blind date?

Yes, okay, I'll babysit.

I'll see you later.

Child sit.

I think you'll find that babysit
is the accepted expression.

He's five.

As I said, I am available
if still required to babysit.

He doesn't have a cot,

he doesn't eat pureed
bananas, he's a child.

Are you honestly refusing my offer

because of my choice of words?

Yes! Why are you even arguing?

You don't even have any fucking children!

Would you like me
to child sit, yes or no?

Yes!

-Hey!
-Five centimetres dilated.

Amazing, amazing.
No, we shouldn't be too long.

Love you, love you, love you.

[scoffs] Freak.

So, what have we learned this afternoon?

Hands up if you agree

that driving at over 30 miles an hour
is dangerous?

Wait for it, wait for it!

Here we go, now!

I can put my hand up
if it makes you feel happy.

That's all right, Paul.

We love feedback here.

Say my car hits a child at 30,

well, that's bad,

but a bus is gonna
absolutely flatten them.

So if a bus can go at 30, which it can,

surely I should drive a bit faster.

Why don't you write
to the Minister of Transport?

-Yes, Paul?
-Right, another thing,

parents with kids in the back.

[imitating a baby crying] I want a lolly,
are we there, I want a lolly.

Now me, no kids, totally focused.

Quick to react, fewer dead children.

That's another interesting idea.
So where were we--

Yes?

What about those
who are just a bit scatty?

Less able to concentrate.

How would we assess that?

I don't know.
Maybe you take into account exam results.

Anyone that's got three good A levels

could drive a bit quicker.

Anyone above, say, three Bs.

I have a PHD in quantum physics.

Yes, yes, Julie!

You can drive faster than me.

I've only got two Bs and a D.

That's all right,
maybe we'll lower the bar a bit.

Maybe say, I don't know,
three Cs or two Cs.

I mean, what'd you get?

Clause 7.6.

In the opinion of a trainer,

if anyone is aggressive or disruptive

they may not complete the course.

You must have done really badly then.

I left school at 16, okay,

so what's my limit then?

I don't know, ten?

Ten miles an hour?

-[Paul] Should have worked harder.
-I did work!

Maybe you're just not that bright.
And that's okay!

But you just get to drive a bit slower.

[groans]

You're disqualified.

Hm?

Speeding course, got your jangle.

[editor] I'm all ears.

-It is run by anti-Semites.
-How'd ya know?

They bloody failed me.

Is that it?

Yes, they fucking failed me.

Gotta give me more than that. You gotta
give me more. Get along to the vegan.

Yes, I know, I know,
I'm going there now.

Also, there's that new organic
kosher butcher opening on Sunday, right?

We can show both sides.

Great.

It's a great idea.

It's even given me a little semi.

Wow, that's amazing.

Oh, thanks.

Would you like milk in this?

We have got soya,
almond, coconut, or hemp.

Hemp, isn't that a type of rope?

-[laughs] Erm, it's a seed.
-Oh.

You can use it to make
rope once it's grown.

Rope milk it is then. Mm.

You know, vegans are very in vogue
at the moment, aren't they?

I mean, everyone's at it.

Well, it's good for you and the planet.

Just couldn't do it, you know?

Love meat too much.

Well, I do still miss sushi.

Yeah, nip out and get you a salmon roll?

[laughing]

No, no, I'd actually be
physically sick if I ate it.

Oh! Ugh.

-Don't you like it?
-No.

Oh, erm, well, you get used to it.

Would you like some honey?

What, you eat honey?

Yes, yeah,
if it's organic and locally sourced.

Local?
Doesn't that taste of diesel?

Ropey diesel tea,
that's a good marketing hook, isn't it?

You can have that.

[laughs] Thanks.

So you're not won over to the cause then

by the ropey diesel tea?

Well, would a vegan
let me wear this jacket?

Oh, you can get faux leather.

Yeah, but I just love the smell of it.

-[sniffs]
-Well, it's a personal choice.

You know, we're not lunatics. Right...

-Well.
-So, the thing about my vegan cakes,

they're all homemade

and they're all 100% free
of animal products

and animal byproducts.

Which means they're 100% Kosher.

Which should appeal
to the Jewish community.

-Ah, got it.
-What?

Fly just landed on your banana
toffee brownie.

What, that was a sentient being.

Yeah, but it didn't feel anything.

Clean kill.

Don't sell that bit.

Why couldn't you have wafted?
You could have wafted!

Why didn't you waft?

Yes, but if I waft,
it lands on your walnut loaf.

And they carry billions
of microscopic germs.

Well, that's my choice.
It's my stall and it's my choice.

Yeah, but not to sell
feces-ridden cupcakes.

Ridden?

Didn't realise shit was vegan.

Ooh, done it again, no.

[playful music playing]

So no joy with the GP then?

On the contrary,

she says I've got high cholesterol

and she wants to see me again
in three months.

-Must be keen.
-[phone rings]

Hello?

[editor] The vegan's threatening
to pull her ad!

She's nuts!

[editor] Nuts or not,
ads pay for your wages.

I told her you'll go
round there this evening

-and sort it out.
-[call disconnects]

Unbelievable.
You know, I could be exposing

anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.

I think they've got that covered.

Look, this vegan lady, is she single?

No idea.

-Cute?
-Yeah.

Look, if she's cute and single,
are you gonna be all right if I tag along?

Yeah, but did you not hear
me say that she's nuts?

Okay, I'm not trying to marry her.

Look, I can be your professional sidekick.

Oh, my God, look, look, look!

It's that driving school Goebbels.

My God, he's got lap chips!

Lap chips?

Distracting lap chips.

And he's got chicken wings as well.

Well, take a photo, take a photo!

-Take a photo!
-Okay, okay, okay.

-[camera clicks]
-Got it.

I'm gonna appeal those points.

If I lose, I am gonna take him down.

What, you reckon lap chips is enough?

One hand's fine for a minor steer,

but major steer, like avoiding a deer,

you know, you need two hands, two hands!
Ten to two.

One hand at two and the other one

rummaging around
in his groin for his lap chips.

-[Simon] 2:30.
-2:30, yes.

Fails me and he's driving at 2:30.

-Here I am, bang on time.
-What the actual fuck?

What is he doing here?

He's here to keep me
company while I child sit.

I'm adult sitting.

He stays outside.

What?
I thought you'd like, "moved on."

I have. That's why I have a date.
Outside!

-[Paul] Where's Joshie?
-He's asleep.

Erm, what's this?

Oh, it's my key.

Explain.

Yeah, well, yeah,
I had to give a key cutter an address,

and obviously I couldn't give him mine
in case he's a thief,

you know, mixes in thief circles, so...

So you gave a stranger my address

to give to his burglar friends

and they're out there somewhere,
waiting till I go out

and then they try and get in

but they can't, and then what happens?

Well, then the burglars walk away.

They could, yeah.

Or, annoyed that the fucking key

they've been assured
will work doesn't work

because it's the wrong house,

they smash in my door
and spread dog shit up my walls.

Well, I think it's nice
that he dropped it off.

-Fuck you!
-Can I have my key?

Go back and get my address removed
from the key cutting crime syndicate.

-Yes, okay.
-I do not want dog shit up my walls!

Outside.

[machine grinding]

Please, please don't put
dog shit up my sister's walls.

What?

Look, can I be frank?

The franker the better.

Look, you seem like a very honest guy,

but you've got my front door key,

now you've got my address,
and for all I know,

you could use those
for nefarious purposes.

So, I gave you my sister's address.

I dropped the key off at your sister's?

What's 108c Barnet Way?

It's Mill Hill Golf Club.

You live at Mill Hill Golf Club?

No, no, I think
you're missing the point.

I live at 63 Bedford Street.

Ah, I get it.

I might have made two keys,

one for you, one for me,

and used mine to steal from you.

Well, not necessarily you.

I mean, you might have a cleaner?

My cleaner's a thief?

All right, well, this of it like this,

you know, when you're going away,

do you order the cab
to your house or a neighbour's?

-My house.
-Wow, you really are trusting.

You order a cab
to your neighbour's house?

-Of course.
-Your next door neighbour?

Well, not all the time.
You know, sometimes I mix it up.

Sometimes two, three doors away.

Anyway, the point is that the cab company

know you're on holiday

and then can get in their burglar mates.

But they might rob your neighbours.

No, no, they wouldn't,
because they're in.

I'm on holiday.

They're not on holiday.
They're in.

Just please stay away
from my sister's house.

Please.

[doorbell rings]

-[Simon] Check it out!
-Oh, my God.

Please don't tell me
you actually own that.

Cancer Research, £4, £4.

-These are mine.
-That's extraordinary.

Top to toe in polyester.

This is my vegan outfit.

It's animal product free
and byproduct free.

Ugh.

Just stacking the odds
in my favour, mate.

Yeah, well, just try and behave.

[upbeat music]

Should have worn jeans.

-I'm taking no chances.
-Jeans are cotton.

-The label on the back's leather.
-Ugh!

-Oh, hello again.
-Hey.

-Come on in.
-Thank you.

I'm so, so sorry about yesterday.

Oh, your editor explained
your mental health issues.

Good, good.

This is Simon, our photographer.

Animal welfare
is the defining drive of my life.

-[static crackles]
-Hey, sparks flew between us!

I have a boyfriend, this is work,

and polyester is not a good look.

Come on through.

So you do all of your baking from home?

[woman] I do, yes.

Is it okay if I, erm...

Yes, no, sure, go ahead.

Can I have a quiet word?

Yeah, sure.
Simon, do you wanna just...?

Erm, I'm a little bit nervous

about this idea of twinning the story

with the organic kosher butcher.

Yeah, well, how can I help?

Well, I met my friend
for a coffee earlier,

ropey coffee, and well,

she's at the more militant end
of the vegan scale

and I happened to mention
the Jewish Enquirer.

[Paul] Yes?

And she said that Jews
in synagogue read from scrolls.

-The Torah.
-Mm, which is made from parchment.

Yeah, that's right.

-Which is treated animal skin.
-Is it?

-Mm, it's leather that you can write on.
-Ah, oh.

Doesn't smell anything like my jacket.

So you're basically
praying to dead animals.

It's the Bible!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I understand, I do understand.

And I know they've got like
really old ones,

but you must have to make new scrolls.

Yes?

So with your old ones that you've got,

you could put them in a museum.

You want us to get rid
of our holy scrolls?

Well, it would be
the vegan-friendly thing to do.

What would you have us do with them?
Burn them?

[exhales]
Come on, you're overreacting.

What should we write
the new ones on then?

Anything but dead sheep.

Some sort of dried yam
or some coconut husk?

Look, I just wanted to raise it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can forget it, all right.
I'm not gonna write a story

to support an anti-Semite, all right?

Simon, we're going!

I'm not an anti-Semite!

No, no, no, no, no, no,

the anti-Semitism's just
the byproduct, isn't it?

-We're leaving.
-This top's itching to buggery.

[Paul] This house
is built on anti-Semitism!

[upbeat music]

Well, never mind.

Good shawarma always beats
sex with a humourless vegan.

I wouldn't mind
discovering that for myself.

Look at that, look at that.

It's like a knife through butter.

Please hurry up.

-Feel free to borrow a shirt.
-[Simon] And bottom?

Yeah, only if you'll wash them.

Fuck, I've been burgled!

I've been fucking burgled!

-[Simon] You've been burgled?
-Yeah.

They weren't there when I left.

The mugs, the fucking mugs!

Well, okay, what's been taken?

The TV's still here.

There-- there's no sign of a break-in.

It's that key cutter.

He's got my address

and now he's just making a point.

That he can break in whenever he likes
and there's nothing you can do about it.

-Do you want to move in mine?
-No!

Check every room,
make sure everything's locked.

I've gotta change
the fucking locks on the door.

Put a shirt on!

That's the Chubb, yeah?

-Top of the range.
-Great, great.

How about a quick selfie?

-What for?
-Oh, you know, just an Instagram story.

There you go, just get your name tag in.

There it is. There we are.
[camera clicks]

That's great, okay.

[upbeat music]

Hi, here to do the story
for the Jewish Enquirer.

Well, I'll be with you in a minute, mate.

Okay.

-[phone ringing]
-Hello?

Can you get us a packet of burgers?

I'm just parked outside.

Joshie’s asleep in the back.

I'm working!

Oh, fine, yeah, I'll just wake him up
and bring him in half asleep,

sobbing his little heart out.

All right, all right!

Where were you last night?

Working and then I had a break-in.

[Naomi] Jesus, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine,
it's that damn key cutter.

Oh, my God, you were right!

He didn't take anything,

he just waltzed in, bold as you like,

had a cup of tea and left.

Oh, erm, were there two mugs?

-Yeah.
-[Naomi] The Nelson Mandela one?

Yeah.

And do you still leave the key

under the brick
to the left of the front door?

You know I do.

Why, why are you burglarizing me?

I took Dad for dinner
and then we popped over to yours,

which was a nice
fucking sisterly thing to do,

and you were out,
so I made us a cup of tea.

You could have left a note.

"Hi, just popping in with Dad.
Definitely not a burglary!"

Oh, sorry for thinking you had a brain.

One little note, one little note

and I wouldn't have spent 300 quid
on a new lock!

Nothing the fuck was stolen.

Why did you think there was a burglar?

Because you're a suspicious twat,
that's why!

[butcher] Hello?

Fine, I'll get my own bloody burgers.

-Oh, hello!
-God, what are you doing here?

Giving you a real story.

-Down with meat.
-What?

Down with meat!

[Naomi] Who the hell
are you to tell me what I can eat?

He called me anti-Semitic.

-Down with meat!
-That's a shit chant really.

Not as bad as "Burn your scrolls."

Excuse me!

Just a packet of burgers, burgers!

-Piss off!
-Just one packet of burgers!

-Hi, sweetheart.
-Oh!

Oh, Mr. Three Points.

-It's Phil.
-Phil, of course.

Ha, that's where you're wrong actually.

It's Paul, all right? Mr. No A Levels.

You've deprived
my son of his Sunday lunch.

[scoffs] Blame him.

I'll blame who the fuck I like.

Go in there and get Joshie’s burgers.

No, it's against my principles.

I don't care if the cow
is your reincarnated grandma.

Send your boyfriend.

[scoffs] I'm a vegan as well, I'm afraid.

Oh, yeah, and how was your KFC?

-My what?
-Yeah, that's right.

I saw you the other night
with your lap chips.

-Lap chips?
-Yes, yes.

Your distracting lap chips!

They didn't distract me.

You went to KFC?

Wait for it, wait for it.

[scoffs] One small bargain bucket.

Oh, one small, oh,
those poor chickens, bargain bucket?

Hey, hey, hey, he's a sentient being!

I hope you didn't kiss him

with all that
murdered animal residue in his mouth.

Ah, hey, oi, ow!

An ant, an ant!

Yes, that's it.
Front page story with a jangle.

"Neo-Nazi vegan violence
strikes kosher butcher."

[women screaming]

[upbeat music]

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Ghana, Ghana, feel the beat ♪

♪ Move your body in the street ♪

♪ Kwasi Modo bringing the heat ♪

♪ The Ghanaian with the magic feet ♪

♪ Holla, holla, jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Make some big noise
For the black stars ♪

♪ Trama na-ma-ne ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana, yeah ♪