Original subtitles

Wow, very cool.

Yeah, first perk of the job.

Have you ever written a car review before?

No.

But how hard can it be, you know?

Smooth lines, spacious interior.

Good torque.

What's torque?

Well, you know, torque, torque is--

Torque, I mean everyone knows what torque is.

If you were serious about going green,

you'd ride a bicycle everywhere.

No, if I were serious about going green,

I'd lay in bed all day not eating cows,

breathing as little oxygen as possible until I died.

How do you start it?

-It's on. -Shut up.

-No, I'm telling you, it's on. -What?

It's incredible, isn't it?

I mean, it's so quiet, it's almost off-putting.

Off putting, that'd be a great way to start the review.

Well, no, in the review they want me to use the word flawless.

Haven't driven it yet.

Yeah, I know but the editor wants me to use the word flawless, so...

[phone rings]

[Naomi] Are you around?

Hmm.

I'm feeling really crap and Joshie

is due for a trim at the barbers.

-When? -Now.

What now, now?

No, fucking yesterday now!

All right, I'm on my way.

Do you wanna come and get Joshie a haircut?

Can't, I am collecting for World Jewish relief.

Collecting what?

You know like clothing, kids toys, whatever,

-they take anything. -Really?

These socks are getting a bit thin.

You know, there's probably some poor, sockless Jew in Georgia

who would love those, come by and drop them off.

I will, it's very noble of you to give up

your Sunday for charity.

Any, er... Any women involved?

Oh, show me a man involved in charity

and I'll show you a man keen to meet women.

Ooh. Erm... Prince Charles.

Well, I don't know, you never know.

Er... Actually, it's his job, he gets paid.

Elton.

-Well, he's gay. -Still!

Okay, he's the exception that proves the rule.

You think, I don't know, is gay men more caring?

I don't know, ask the Vatican.

[frustrated sigh] God!

Oh, Joshie, cover your ears.

Stupid fucking!

Stupid fucking thing, you stupid fucking seat!

Fuck! Oh!

How's your new car seat, Joshie? Nice and comfy?

Erm... Hmm... No comment.

I told him not to answer your questions in case

you quote him out of context.

All right, a little paranoid, aren't we?

-Just get his haircut and bring him back. -All right.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, it was just a little pee.

What?

Well, it's part of my saving water.

You know, going green day.

Are you kidding?

You just used my toilet and you didn't even flush?

What am I supposed to do with that?

Nothing, nothing, unless it's absolutely necessary.

Well, it's necessary now, go back and flush!

Er... No can do.

-I'm not flushing it for you. -Good, good!

That's what I want you to do. Right, you ready?

[quirky orchestral music]

Hey, do you know you can recycle hair, you know that?

-No. -Hmm.

Says it makes good compost, who knew?

-[barber] Not me. -Oh.

And for stuffing kids' toys.

You want it?

Well, I'll think about it.

Do you know what happened to all the Greek Cypriots?

What?

Yeah, well once upon a time every barber was from Cyprus.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

So, they flew the whole island over here,

cut everyone's hair for twenty years and left.

It's like Greek restaurants.

Must be some kind of Greek-Turkish turf war

going on in London or something.

Ow, ow, ow, what the fuck you doing!

Singeing the ears to get rid of the hairs for you.

My ears are bald enough, thank you, ow!

Have you never got this done before?

No I haven't! This is England!

Bloody hell!

Well, we're all done over here.

That's good, that's good. Do you like it, Joshie?

No comment.

Oh. That's good, very good.

So, how much is that?

Er... That's fourteen for you and nine for him.

Fourteen for an adult,

nine for a junior, that's convenient.

What?

Well, you're basically saying fifteen quid and ten quid.

No, no, it's nine and fourteen.

Yeah but for a junior they're just gonna give you

a tenner and say, "Keep the change."

But you don't have to.

All right, I'll tell you what we'll do. Let's call it 9.50 for him,

50 P for you because he hasn't been singed and I have,

and 14 pounds exactly

'cause you haven't even offered me a lollipop.

-Do you want a lollipop? -No, I don't want a lollipop.

It's nice to be asked though.

-There you go. -Great, you gonna offer me a lollipop?

-Do you want a lollipop? -I don't want a lollipop.

-Okay. -All right!

[phone rings]

-[Simon] Hello? -Richard Curtis!

[Simon] What about him?

Yeah, set up Comic Relief, not gay, not looking for women.

[Simon] Okay, yeah, that's one.

-Well done. -Ha!

All right, hurry up, little man!

Oh, sorry no.

Talking to my nephew. Say hi, Joshie.

Hi!

That's not funny, mate.

It's not supposed to be funny.

I mean, that's what you call small boys.

Isn't it, little man? Come on, little man!

Hurry up, little man!

Run along, little man!

Yeah, you didn't set this up then.

Why would anybody go to that much trouble?

You'd be surprised.

All right look, let me apologise

for any small insult that I may have accidentally caused you.

You got a lot of shopping, let me help you.

You know, help you out.

I've gotta get the bus and then walk to Henton.

Come on, let me-- Forget the bus, all right?

Come on let me help you out, what do you say?

-Yeah? -All right then, fine.

Come on, all right. Come on, Joshie. Yeah.

There you go.

Yeah.

See, this is great isn't it, you know?

Meet new friends, save the environment.

So, you've just had a new haircut, have you, Joshie?

-[Joshie] Too short. -Hey, nothing's ever too short.

Right, here we go. Here's the car.

-Hey! -Ooh.

Oh, there’s only one car seat.

You want me to sit in a car seat?

Well, how else do you travel?

I sit like everyone else!

I don't know about that. I mean, you know.

'Cause logically thinking about it,

surely it's to do with height.

He'll sit in the car seat and I'll sit next to him.

No, I don't like it.

'Cause if I put that seatbelt on wrong that's just gonna snap you in two.

Only one car seat.

What are you doing?

I'm Googling it.

What, are you typing in 'dwarf and car seat'?

-Yes. -Oh, for fuck sake, I'll get the bus.

No, no, no, come on look these are all American sites,

-surely that's the same. -I'll get the bus!

Look, please, just let me give you a lift.

Please.

Please.

-All right. -All right.

Everyone okay back there?

Just wonderful.

[Paul] Enjoying the ride?

-Quiet. -Electric.

[Mark] Great torque.

Great torque!

No emissions.

Very small carbon footprint.

Like me!

[both laughing]

[Paul] Good one.

[sniffs] Can you smell burning?

Yeah, they set fire to my ears.

-Who? -Turkish barber.

You've got ear kebab!

-I do! -[Mark laughs]

I do, I do. Very good.

[doorbell rings]

[Naomi] What the fuck is that?

What?

I asked for a trim, he looks like a kiwi fruit!

What are you talking about? I like it.

You don't get a say in the matter,

I booked the appointment, I said a trim!

It'll grow back. And they've set fire to my ears.

Smell that!

[Naomi sniffs] Oh, can’t smell anything.

Hang on, who's that in your car?

Oh, that's Mark.

He's a dwarf, I'm just giving him a lift home.

In my car seat?

So where was Joshie sitting?

Hmm?

Where was Joshie sitting on the way back from the barbers?

On his, um, lap.

On a stranger's lap?

Are you out of your tiny mind?

I tell him not to accept lifts from strange men,

and you go and dump him on the groin of an unknown dwarf?

-He's a nice guy! -[Naomi] Fuckwit!

Get Titchy out now and get me my car seat back.

-Titchy? -Snorey, Giggles, Twitchy,

whatever the fucking one he is! I don't give a fuck!

-Get him out now! -I will get it back later.

-Remove the dwarf. -I am helping him out.

Remove the fucking dwarf and get me my car seat.

I will get it back later!

I want a full refund from the barbers.

What do you want a refund for?

Jesus Christ, of course, I want a fuckin' refund!

If I buy a dress from John Lewis, it doesn't fit,

I take it back and I get a refund!

Why for a size 12 and you buy a size 12?

-I'm a size 10! -I know what size you are!

It doesn't matter what size it is.

If it doesn't fit, and Joshie’s hair doesn't,

-you demand a full fucking refund! -Yeah, but--

[door slams]

[quirky orchestral music]

Hey, can I borrow you?

Two secs.

Two secs, just--

Thank you.

Cheers.

Hello, I'm sorry but Joshie's mum says his hair's too short.

You said you liked it.

Well, I did, yeah, but apparently she only wanted a trim

when she booked the appointment.

Okay, well, when I go to John Lewis to buy something

for my wife, I can't take it back.

That's funny you should say that, 'cause she specifically said

that you can take stuff back to John Lewis.

Underwear?

-Well, no, a dress. -Yeah, a dress, yeah, yeah.

Of course, you can take a dress back

but a haircut isn't a dress.

It's knickers.

And there's no refund on worn knickers.

Yeah, you know I'm a journalist with The Jewish Enquirer?

-You are? -Yes I am.

Ah, well, here's a story for you.

No refund on worn knickers.

Tell you what, let’s ring 'em.

-John Lewis? -Yeah.

-Okay, yeah, call them. -[phone rings]

Hi, yeah, can I be put through to customer service, please?

Speakerphone, put it on yeah, speakerphone.

[woman] Hello, how can I help you?

Yeah, hi, I'm wondering if you can help.

I bought some underwear for a lady friend

the other day and I just wanna know if I can exchange it.

-Refund, refund, not an exchange. -Refund, sorry, refund.

No problem, just bring the item in with the receipt.

Okay, yeah, no wait, wait, wait, she's worn them.

An undergarment would have to be unused.

All right, so there's no refund on worn knickers.

[woman] No.

-What about bikinis? -Yes.

Well, where's the logic in that?

You know, they've both been unhygienically exposed and...

No, it's all right, it's all right, thank you.

So, you wanna recycle hair?

-[Paul] Yeah. -Here.

-[quirky orchestral music] -Great, great.

Oh, right, let's get you home.

-Did you get a refund? -No.

Want me to go and sort him out?

No, thank you, I'll just give her a tenner

-and that'll be that. -Yeah.

-So, Mark? -Hmm?

Do you know anyone who does charity work but not for sex?

Stephen Fry?

Hmm, someone else?

Gandhi.

Ooh, Gandhi. Yes, Gandhi!

Gandhi's good.

-Okay. -[phone rings]

[Simon] What is it? I am trying to help Jews.

Gandhi!

[Simon] He's dead.

Yeah, well, that's two, so that just blows your theory

right out of the water.

[laughs] Gandhi! Yes, well done, Mark.

Who else, who else?

Quickly! Wind the window down!

-What? -Quickly, quickly,

the window, the window!

Roll the window down.

Tiny penis!

Tiny penis!

[man] Fuck you!

Tiny penis!

-Fuck you, bastard! -Yeah, tiny penis!

-Fuck you! -[laughs]

All right, here we go.

-I'll be two minutes. -[Mark] All right.

All right.

-So, how's it going? -Amazing.

She's gonna introduce me to her granddaughter.

In her thirties, chiropodist, got her own flat.

Great, hey look, can you do anything with this?

-It's recycled. -It looks like hair.

It is hair, it's from the barbers.

You can't bring human hair to a Jewish relief thingy!

Fuckin' hell!

What have you got there?

Quick, gimme your socks!

Donating socks.

And what's that?

Oh, Miriam, it's nothing. It's worthless.

I told you we don't turn anything down.

-[Paul] It's-- -It's very light.

-[Paul] Yeah, it's not for you. -It is for me!

-No it's not for you! -It is!

-It's not for you! -[Miriam gasps]

-[Paul] Oh, God! -What's this?

Hair?

Human hair?

Where did you get this human hair?

I got it from the barbers

by the tube station out by Finchley Central.

Simon said you'd take anything.

[Miriam] There are limits.

Oh.

I can smell burning.

That's my ears. Sorry.

Can we go?

You are making human experiments!

I'm not a fucking experiment!

Simon!

Send for the CST!

What's the CST?

Oh, it's a Jewish organization of volunteers

that protect Jewish schools and events.

So you got an army of David Baddiels protecting you all? [laughs]

-You must feel very safe. -Hey, I'm telling you,

some of those guys are ex-Mossad, you know.

Less Baddiel, more like, circumcised Jackie Chans.

[car dinging]

[Mark] Erm... Why are we stopping?

Battery's dead.

For fuck sake.

[grunting]

God, you know, seeing that from your point of view,

that bell really is a bit high.

Yeah, it's a killer.

[knocks]

Hi, can I help?

Yes, sorry I'm a journalist with The Jewish Enquirer.

[woman] You're what?

Comes out on Friday?

Also online?

Never heard of it.

Really? You surprise me.

Well, I'm not Jewish, so...

What?

Well, you quite literally have

the most Jewish hair I've ever seen.

Because it's curly?

Oh, you know, frizzy, big ol', big ol' Jew fro.

You've got some Jewish blood in there somewhere.

Uh, no I haven't.

Okay, well, whatever you say.

Well, I actually haven't.

You do a “Who do you think you are”

and you got a great grandma in Poland, I'm telling you.

His electric car is out of charge,

do you mind if we plug in?

What are you doing?

What?

Are you doing the quenelle?

The what?

The reverse Nazi salute.

Just brushing hair off my arm.

[scoffs] This, it's a Nazi salute.

That footballer Anelka used it.

He was banned.

God, I can't believe I'm being lectured

on Nazi salutes by non-Jews.

Look, this is just brushing hair off my arm.

This is a Nazi salute!

This is brushing hair off my arm--

Yes, this is a Nazi salute.

-Exactly. -But this is--

It's the reverse Nazi salute.

-I have never seen that-- -It's the reverse.

In my life.

-This is the Nazi-- -Nazi.

I've never heard of that in my life.

This is a Nazi salute.

You can see the difference!

[talking over each other]

[horn honks]

It's him!

Antisemite!

Look, can we plug in for a few minutes?

[quirky orchestral music]

Do you want a cup of tea?

-Sure! -Yes, please.

Not for him, he's going green for the day.

She's already boiling the kettle.

Yes but for your cup she'll have to use more water

and more electricity.

I'll have a cold drink then!

Not from the fridge you won't.

[sighs]

What a lovely cup of tea.

You know what, this might be the best cup of tea

I've had in my entire life.

-How's the water? -Tepid.

Do you know what, my husband is a massive petrol head,

he doesn't believe in any of it.

He's the Jeremy Clarkson of North London.

-[woman laughs] -Sorry, can I use your toilet?

I'm absolutely bursting.

Yeah, through the door and on the left.

All right, thank you.

[unzips]

What's it like in front?

[Mark] Try it out.

Allow me.

[giggles]

-Wow! -[Mark laughs]

You know what they say, don't you?

What?

Once you've had small, you never go back.

[laughs]

Yeah, I've heard that.

I'll bet you have.

[loud car engine]

-What the fuck are you doing here? -[woman] What's up?

This guy called me "tiny penis."

It was a small joke.

A jokelet.

You're the small joke, my friend.

Phil!

What the fuck is this cable doing?

They ran out of battery.

Well, they're not charging it from my house.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for that. Hi.

Fuck you, too!

Phil, give him a break.

We're giving them free petrol because they're too lazy

to go and get some.

Come on, be the big guy.

Sorry, no offense.

[Mark] None taken.

Half an hour, that is it.

I'm going for a slash, with my huge penis!

He gets a lot of stick for the car and it pisses him off.

-He shouldn't have bought it then. -Yeah, he's right,

I mean, if you are gonna drive such a wanky car,

I mean, you're almost asking

for penile haranguing, you know.

[toilet flushes loudly]

[Paul] Wow.

Yeah, we've got some plumbing issues,

we're getting it fixed tomorrow.

-So, Paul, isn't it? -Yeah.

When you went to the toilet, we didn't hear anything.

Really?

Not a peep.

Oh, that is strange.

Did you not go?

Well, I got there and then the moment had passed.

You said you were bursting.

How far are you taking this green crap, then?

Oh, my God.

You're saving water.

You didn't flush.

You went to the toilet and you didn't flush?

Now that's ridiculous.

No, there's no way. I'd have noticed.

He'd have noticed!

Yeah, so...

Okay, okay, we need to leave now.

-Yeah. -Let's go.

[Mark laughs]

[sniffs]

[gags]

He fuckin' pissed in the sink!

I can't shut the door!

-[Paul] Well, try! -I am trying!

Try harder!

For fuck sake!

You have any idea how much water I saved back there?

Five litres!

You pissed in a stranger’s sink!

It's sterile!

You know, like human Dettol.

[Mark] Close this fucking door!

[Paul] Keep trying.

[Mark] I am trying!

Well, try harder.

I've only got short arms!

Oh, don't use that as an excuse!

[Mark] Come on, you fucking door!

-Stop, fucking lights! -Come on!

-[Paul] Here we go. Here we go. -Fuck!

[Paul] He's bloody following us.

-[Mark] What? -Bloody following us!

Right, let me out here I wanna get out.

-Jesus. -I'll walk!

Fine, fine.

[exasperated sigh]

[Mark] All right, it's been nice knowing you, mate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you.

[Phil] Let me help you with that!

[Mark] Wait, what are you doing?

I'm taking you home!

You're gonna clean my sink!

-[Mark] It wasn't me! -It wasn't him!

It wasn't me, it was him!

Well, I can't pick you up!

So he'll have to answer for his friend.

Oh, my God. Look, it was me!

Yes, it was him!

It was me, sorry I took a piss in your sink!

Wait, I haven't even got my shopping yet!

[Phil] I don't care about your fucking shopping!

[Mark] Wait, I'll get my shopping!

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

That's her!

We received a complaint of a hate crime.

That is absolutely ridiculous.

Uh-oh.

[Mark] All right, it's Sunday! Will you let me out!

Who's that?

That's, uh, my husband.

I can't piss in the sink, I can't reach it!

-[woman] Oh, my God, what-- -With the experiment!

What the fuck are you doing?

[grunts]

[breathing heavily]

It's the other one!

They were both at it!

At what?

-You know! -Do I?

[officer] Can you show me please, Miriam?

Show me what they were doing.

Oh, come on, that's a hate crime?

Not if I do it, I'm Jewish, I'm allowed.

So am I.

I might be!

[Mark] Let me out please!

Not until you've cleaned my sink, tiny penis!

Uh, that's dwarfophobic!

[Mark shouts]

You gonna sue me?

You save the world, anti-petrol, left wing fascist pansy!

Greenophobic and homophobic!

Hey, is there such a thing as left-wing-fascistophobic?

-I don't know. -[Mark] Too late now.

[Phil grunts]

[Phil] You can have him back.

[quirky orchestral music]

[doorbell rings]

It's the refund for the haircut

and bought you a new car seat.

-Why? -You don't...

-You don't wanna know. -No, why?

Dwarf shat on it.

[laughs] Why?

Er, fear, overexcitement, I mean, who knows?

Oh, Joshie loved that car seat!

Yeah, well, I put it in the recycling bin if he wants it but...

-Whoo-hoo. -You can't recycle

a car seat, it's made of fucking metal!

Fine, do you know what? I don't care, lost interest.

Do you wanna flush? Flush away, have six baths!

Put the dishwasher on with two spoons,

print off every email you've had since 2004.

See if I care, I really don't care.

[Paul sighs]

[beeping]

Erm... Can I get a... Can I just get a little?

-[Naomi] No. -What!

Please!

[quirky orchestral music]

Hm, who knew?

Flawless.

Fucking car.

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Ghana, Ghana feel the beats ♪

♪ Move your body in the streets ♪

♪ Kwasi Modo bringing the heat ♪

♪ The Ghanaian with the magic feet ♪

♪ Holler holler, jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Make some big noise For the black stars ♪

♪ Trama na-ma-ne ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana, yeah ♪