All language subtitles for Hapless.S01E02.REPACK.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

This is stupid.

Who wants to read about
Aldi and Waitrose kiwi fruit?

Jews, apparently.

All right, that’s the first one.

This one's okay.

No, marks out of 10, Dad.

Seven.

Uh, here's the other one.

Also a seven.

-No.
-No?

No. You've gotta give one more
than the other.

Seven and a half.

[sighs] All right, look.

-All right, give me the Aldi one.
-All right.

Okay.

Delicious, 10.

Give me the Waitrose one.

Oh no. One.

Yeah? So in an independent
blind taste test,

the cheap one scores better
than the expensive one.

That's a story.

-For The Jewish Enquirer, it's a story.
-What are you talking about?

The Mail do these things all the time.

-Then write for them.
-Thank you for that.

[doorbell ringing urgently]

I have to talk to you.

Where's Dad?
I saw his car outside.

-He's in the kitchen.
-Okay.

Okay, so I've been seeing
this healer, Karin.

Are you all right?

-It's for my nerves.
-She's good.

She is, actually, yeah,
she makes me up special juices.

Like what?

Oh, I don't know what's in them,
they're personalised.

Well, like apple, orange?

It's a bespoke mix.

Lime aubergine, Mandarin potato, what?

It's a secret.

What is she,
the juicing equivalent of a KFC?

-How much is this?
-It's a fortune.

But it's my money,
and my nerves, and my fucking life.

Now, look, she told me
that Grandpa told her

that Dad must not go on
that cruise next week.

-Grandpa told her?
-Yes.

-Dad's dad?
-Yes.

Grandpa who died in 2005
and is buried in Bushey?

I am aware, okay.

Karin communicates with those
who have passed on.

Really?

She told me it's dangerous
for him to go on it.

She specifically said
Grandpa told her it's dangerous.

-Right, does-- Was it Karen?
-Karin.

Karin, and does Karin charge
for these little chats with Grandad,

or is that included in the price?

Oh, you are so cynical.

-Well, how much is this?
-Doesn't matter.

-How much is this?
-Well, do not reduce this

to being about money.

This is Dad's life hanging in the balance.

-You're nuts.
-Fine, I'm nuts.

How do we stop him going on the cruise?

Well, you tell him
that his daughter's in need

of some bespoke mental health treatment.

Oh, you're leaving it up to me
to tell him, are you?

Dad, Naomi's here.

-Yeah, I am, so good luck with that.
-Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much.

-Hey!
-Hi, how are you doing?

I'm good, how are you?

Ah, a bit run down.

Looking forward to seeing the sun.

Go on. You love the sun,
don't you, Dad?

You know I do.

Yeah, why don't you
remind Naomi?

No, I don't need reminding, thank you.

She knows, everyone knows.

It's the one thing that keeps me going.

The stifling heat,
the whoosh of the waves.

The whoosh of the waves.

Yeah, it's like,
a healing balm to the soul.

-Hah.
-A healing balm to the soul, wow.

And the sea air is good for the brain.

For the brain.

Maybe you should both go.

[Naomi sighs]

What if something does
happen to your dad, though?

Like what?

Like a... parasol blows off in the wind
and, uh, stabs him through the heart.

Come on.

Or a cruise liner could
get blown up by jihadists.

-It'd be your fault.
-It's not my fault.

That's the fault of the jihadists
in the first place.

We used to burn people for this,
back in the day.

Haven't you chosen a racket, yet?

I'm just checking the tension.

So, you're not coming
to the party Saturday?

No, no, no.
I'm gonna have to hire a costume

and walk around like a four-year-old
just to get a drink and some crisps.

It's my birthday, lots of single women.

Yeah, but the same single women

that have been coming to your parties
for the last 10 years.

You met Penny at one of them.

Not a selling point.

Oh, you met your ex-wife
at one of my parties.

Uh, you were the one
who was attracted to her.

Quavers were spiked.

Wonder Woman's gonna be there.

What, Gal Gadot is coming
to East Finchley, really?

No, it's Mandy Stemmings,
but she's hired the outfit.

No Gal Gadot, is she?

Er... She's high up at Google,
and she's a single mum with four kids.

It's a different kind of Wonder Woman,
come on.

Come then. Hoo, hoo!

Hoo-ah, hoo!

-[racket whooshing]
-Hoo-ah!

[door knocking]

Can I help you?

-Paul from The Jewish Enquirer.
-Ah, shalom, shalom. [chuckles]

Very good of you to come.

-[Vicar] Sugar?
-Yes, please.

[cross clatters]

You must think it's a bit odd
of me to invite you.

Well, I'm sure you'll explain.

Yes, you see, we're having a
church fundraiser next month.

Yes.

[both] Yes.

And, well, it's notable

that whenever the local Reform
synagogue has a fundraiser,

it makes a considerable amount.

-Yes.
-So I thought,

in the interests of community spirit,

it might be nice to invite--
How best to put this?

Jews.

Right, so not quite in the interest
of community spirit as such.

No.

Yeah, and you'd like some PR
in the paper.

And on the website,

-if possible.
-Hmm, yeah, hmm.

Ooh, um, do you have any biscuits?

Sure.

Erm... Yes, of course we will promote
the St. Stephens Church autumn fete.

On the 22nd of September.

Digestives?

-Do you have any Bourbons?
-Bourbons.

Here we go.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Bourbon.

So, do we have a deal?

If there's anything I can do for you?

Oh, yes, yes. I'm going
to a party on Saturday.

Well, nice of you to ask me,
but I like women.

Really like them, to be honest.

No. It's a fancy dress party.

I was just wondering if I
could borrow your costume.

You mean my clerical clothing?

There's a mosque up the road,
why don't you ask the Imam?

[scoffs] I can't go as an Imam.

But a Vicar is fine?

Dawn French has done it for years,

and yeah, all right,
I agree that in theory

I should be able to go as an Imam,

but here we are,

and you want some publicity for your fete,

and I want to live.

Can I come?

-What?
-I'm free Saturday.

-There's gonna be alcohol there.
-[scoffs]

Oh, dear, no attractive women, I hope?

Okay, I'm listening.

You know I see a healer?

I do now.

Well, she told me that you
mustn't go on this cruise.

Okay, tell her thanks very much.

[sighs] Dad, you don't understand.

Paul, help me out here.

The disembodied spirit of Grandad
appeared to Naomi's healer-cum-juicer,

and said something dangerous
might happen.

Oh, for fuck's sake, really?

Thank you.

Has she predicted anything else
that came true?

Yes, she has.
She foretold the Brexit result.

Exact numbers or just the result?

Probably exact numbers, I expect.

And she, uh, predicted the Boat Race
three years running.

She called it between two boats.

Three years running.

Why did Dad appear to your healer
and not me?

What?

Well, if Dad poked
his head out of the wall

and said, "Don't go, Ron,"
I might take it seriously.

In fact, I'd take it very seriously, but--

Okay, so if there was a one
in a million chance she was right,

-wouldn't you take it?
-No.

-One in a thousand?
-No.

-One in a hundred?
-No.

-Ten? Five?
-No. No.

-Four? Three?
-No. No.

-Two? One?
-No. No.

What, okay, well, fine.

Don't blame me if you die, or get ill,
or get a bad cough, okay?

Don't say I didn't warn you.

-It's a cough now?
-A bad cough.

It's your choice.

Hmm, I'll pack some Benylin.

-[energetic dance music]
-[partygoers chatting]

[partygoers cheering]

[Paul humming]

Wanna dance, Reverend?

No, it's not something I do well.

Do you only do the things you do well?

What, you do things you don't do well?

All the time.

Why?

I mean you can obviously move your limbs

to rhythm, to music, you know?

It's not a skill I have, you know,
like really a skill, is it?

It makes you feel good.

No, it makes you feel good.
You know what makes me feel good?

Roast chicken, yeah, yeah,
and a little gravy.

Roast potatoes, little sprout,
mm-mm, oh, yeah, I'm done.

I've got a chicken at home.

Roasted?

Well, it's raw, but we could cook it.

-What, now?
-Let's.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm gonna go to the toilet, but yes.

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ First you lift one shoulder ♪

♪ Then you'll close one eye ♪

♪ Then go back and forth
And do the Kwasi Modo ♪

[partygoers chatting]

♪ The stars in the bright sky ♪

♪ Looked down where he lay ♪

♪ There's the little Lord Jesus ♪

♪ Asleep in the hay ♪

♪ The cattle are lowing ♪

♪ The baby awakes ♪

♪ The little Lord Jesus ♪

♪ No crying he makes ♪

[zipper zipping]

-Hey, it's all yours.
-What were you doing that for?

What?

Humming a carol in the toilet.

I don't know, it was in my head.

What if I was humming
"Schindler's List" in there?

I'm fine with that.

What about that
Day of Atonement thing, the Kol...

Kol Nidre?

Yes, how about if I was taking a crap
and singing the Kol Nidre?

You are comparing one the holiest
prayers in Judaism

to "Away in a Fucking Manger."

Well, d'you know what?
I'd say you're an anti-Semite.

I'll have my vestments back, then.

-What, now?
-Yes.

Fine, this is gonna affect
what I say about your fete.

Well then, it's a fete accompli.

[laughs] Ho, funny, for a Jew-hater.

[upbeat Middle Eastern music]

-Hiya.
-Hello.

-Er... Condoms.
-Okay, what kind?

Um, God, it's been a while.
Um, ribbed, spotted?

Good choice.

What is that, is that apple?

Yeah, we have five-flavour variety pack.

Strawberry, apple,

orange, mango,

-one other.
-Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, but if I'm inside her,

why... why do they need to be flavoured?

No, no, it's for oral, oral sex.

Oh, right.

Yeah, but if I'm having oral sex,
why do I need a condom?

If she's fussy,
a bit of apple juice down there.

-Oh, yeah.
-Aisle three, job done.

Cool, cool, okay.

-Bit young, no?
-Over 16.

That's not funny.

What? Mid-thirties.

-You're giving us a bad name.
-Us?

No, no, no, no, I'm not Muslim.

You're not a Muslim?

She's not a schoolgirl?

Maybe I don't work in a shop?

We've been at a fancy dress party.

-You dressed as an Imam as a joke?
-No, I dressed as a Vicar as a joke.

I was forced to wear this.

I'm calling the police,

-don't want any grooming going on here.
-No, no, no, I'll get her in.

Hermione, Hermione, come, come.

Look, see, dressed as a schoolgirl.

-Okay, let me ask.
-All right.

Miss, are you over 16?

Okay. What are you, like 36, 37?

I'm 29, and I got IDed last week.

29.

-Thank you very much.
-Allahu Akbar.

Okay, very funny, get out.

-Allahu Akbar.
-Goodbye, yes.

-Okay.
-Fine.

I knew I'd find someone tonight.

Feminine intuition.

You can call it that.

Feels a bit weird dressed
like this, doesn't it?

Then take it off.

Maybe I will, maybe I will.

[chortling] Ooh.

Oh blimey, you're well stocked.

Juice mixes.

I have them made up specifically
depending on my mood.

Hmm, what's in them?

It's a secret recipe.

-Karin, the juice maker?
-You know her?

She's great.

In fact, she was the one who told me
that I was gonna meet you tonight.

-Oh, you're kidding.
-No.

She said she'd seen my dead grandfather.

Well, then she has.

-She's a charlatan.
-She's definitely not.

I mean, here you are.

What did she say exactly?

She said I was gonna meet a guy

who'd be wearing a white collar.

-Now, come here.
-No, I can't.

Why not?

Because if anything happens between us,

it's gonna be because Karin
has told you it will happen,

which means she controls our lives.

If she says break up, then we break up.

If she says that I'm mildly neurotic,
well then, you're gonna believe her,

and it also means that my dad
can't go on his bloody cruise.

Just screws with my
entire life philosophy,

that ghosts foretell the future
to paid fortune tellers.

Okay, so what do you want to do?

You've got rubbers in your pocket
and an opportunity to use one.

Maybe two.

Well, let's... let's think about this.

When we met, yes,
I was dressed as a Vicar,

but then the real Vicar
asked for his robes back,

and then when I left,
I was dressed like an Imam,

so maybe he's the one.

The Vicar?

Wh-- Why not?

He's a nice guy, good job, likes women,
little anti-Semitic, but then who isn't?

I mean, I've got his phone number
here somewhere.

You're fucking insane.

You're turning me down based
on some crazy prediction?

Well, you're insane for believing it.

Get out.

Did she say anything about chicken?

Because honestly, that smells amazing.

Get out!

[jaunty music]

I met a woman last night.

-Oh?
-Yeah, who knows Karen.

-Karin.
-Yeah, whatever, you know,

the little prophet of doom
and occasional juice maker,

and I proved her wrong.

What are you talking about?

Well, Karin said that me
and this woman would hook up,

-and we didn't.
-Pfft, of course you didn't.

So it's bollocks,
and I'm going to expose her.

Why?

Because a woman conning the gullible,
that's a story.

No, no, no, no, you are
jumping to conclusions, okay.

I do not want Dad going on this cruise.

Oh, you're still on
about the bloody cruise.

Yes, the Dad's-going-to-die cruise.

You know she's ripping you off,
so let him go.

No, listen, okay,
I will arrange for you to meet Karin,

right, but I make the call
as to whether he goes or not.

That's the deal,
take it or leave it.

All right, I'll take it, but you
have to do a pineapple taste test.

-No.
-Come on, come on.

Two pineapples,
one from M&S, one from Aldi.

Yeah, expensive everything
always beats cheaper everything.

Take the test.

Buy cheap, buy twice.

Worried I'll prove you wrong?
Ooh, pfft.

Nice?

Uh-huh, and... this one.

This one.

-Don't help him.
-What?

"This one," you said,
"This one and this one," cheating.

-I did not.
-Yeah. You did.

Oh, Jesus Christ, this is like

playing Monopoly with you all over again.

Because you always used to
land on Mayfair and Park Lane.

Yes, I did fucking land
on them every time.

-Yes, but every game?
-Yes.

You have to win at any cost, don't you?

[sighs] I'm just very,
very lucky, I think.

Very, very lucky.

-[gentle music]
-[door knocking]

Yes?

Would you give the Imam his robes back?

-Sure.
-Good party?

Joyous.

I still want you to cover the fete.

No, no, no, sorry, not gonna happen.

[Hermione] Hurry up, Vicar!

-Hermione?
-Matilda.

Oh, hello.

You were right, he is the one.
Well done, Karin.

Come on, Vicar,
let's not waste a condom.

Ar-- Are you using my Durex?

You gave them to me.

Are you wearing one now?

Just about.

-Juice?
-All right. [sighs]

God. That's Tropicana.

No, it's not, Karin made it herself.

No, I'm telling you, that's Tropicana.

No, it's not.

See, I did a taste test last week
between Tesco's Finest and Tropicana,

so my taste buds are finely,
finely attuned.

And that is 100% Tropicana.

Oh, that lying bitch.

-Am I still the one?
-Easy, tiger.

We made an appointment
to see her this afternoon,

so if you want to tag along?

Give me a minute.

She could still be telling the truth.

Looks like you won't be needing
that Durex anymore,

so [whistles].

♪ Hava, nagila hava,
Nagila hava, nagila hava ♪

-♪ Oh come all ye faithful ♪
-♪ Nagila hava, nagila hava ♪

-♪ Nagila hava ♪
-♪ Oh come all ye faithful ♪

-♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
-♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪

[cross clatters]

♪ Oh come ye, oh come ye ♪

♪ Ra-pa da-di-da-di ra-di ♪

♪ Once in Royal David's city ♪

[condom creaking]

♪ Stood a lonely... ♪

Not exactly a pound of flesh.

-In the bin.
-No, you bin it.

-It's been on your penis.
-Pathetic.

-Let's go.
-[Paul sighs]

Blimey, is this it?

And it never occurred to you
that she was interested in money?

Oh, don't prejudge,
it doesn't mean she's a fraud.

Okay, who's prejudging?

Right, phone's recording, let's go.

[Karin] Hello, come on in. Hi.

Hi, you must be the medium,
or rather, a small.

-[laughs] You must be Paul.
-Amazing, amazing.

This is my dad.

Hi, it'd be such a shame to lose you.
You look so healthy, too.

[Paul] Come.

-Thank you.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-How you doing?

So, how can I help?

Yeah, well, my dad is very, very worried
about one of your predictions.

Yes, would you rather I'd said nothing?

Imagine, if you will, that I'd said
I'd seen a sign in the clouds

that said you were gonna die
a horrible death,

like, the very next time you set foot
in an Italian restaurant.

Hmm, do you have much experience
with cloud reading?

-Well, I say I do.
-But do you?

But do you?

[sniggers] [sniffs]
Has someone in here just had sex?

You see?
How do you know that?

Come off it, we can all smell
the Vicar on Matilda.

-Karin.
-Yes.

I love the sun, it nurtures my soul,
and if I cancel this cruise--

[Karin] Oh, shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh.

Okay, it's fine, he says it's all right
to go on the cruise.

-Yay.
-What?

[laughs] Your grandpa said he was joking.

He can't just change his mind.

[laughs] He didn't change his mind.
He said he was joking.

All right, Grandpa, if you're still there,

what portion did I read
for my Bar Mitzvah?

He's not up there,
he's over there, in the armchair.

[wind whooshing faintly]

So on Saturday you said that I
would meet a guy in a white collar.

Well, I met two, the Vicar and this guy.

-Which one is it?
-The other one, definitely.

Now, how would you like to pay
for this group session?

Do you mind if I help myself?

Uh, group session?

Well, it's not a one to one,
so it is a group session.

Tropicana, anyone?

[Karin screams]

-What?
-Someone just died in a car crash.

-Where?
-India.

Okay, I want my 260 pounds back.

260 quid, how much juice did you drink?

Well, she charges 20 quid per person.

It's not my fault your
whole family is gullible.

Oh, you are a fucking cheat!

Yes, and she should know,
I'm gonna expose you.

Oh what, in The Jewish Enquirer?

Yeah, to begin with,

and then The Mail,
The Express, Victoria Derbyshire.

Got it all here, ooh.

[All] Oh!

-What?
-Oh.

What are you doing with a
used condom in your pocket?

It's not fully used, only just worn.

Paul wouldn't take it from the Vicar
and there was nowhere to put it.

I just don't like people benefiting
from my property, is all.

It's not a fucking three-bed semi,

it's a used, but not to completion,
condom.

Okay, yes, I will.

Your grandpa says I should
offer you all a full refund,

if you all say thank you to him.

[jaunty music]

Thank you, Grandad.

Thanks, Dad.

[Matilda] Thanks so much.

-I can't do that.
-Paul.

Thanks, Grandad, although maybe next time

choose someone a bit cheaper,
south of Watford.

It's like they've both got
different types of mango in each box.

Hmm, well, it did say product
of more than one country,

so maybe they're putting one sweet
and one less sweet in each carton.

Give me the Lidl one.

Oh, new edition's gone live.

Did you make the front page?

"Cloudy weather in Tel Aviv, exclusive."

[gentle music]

"Church fete raises just 30 pounds,
exclusive."

[Simon laughs]

"Twin brothers share
Bar Mitzvah, exclusive."

[Simon] Makes financial sense.

"Tony Blair calls for understanding

on both sides in the
Middle East, exclusive."

"Jewish Film Festival opens
with Jewish-themed film, exclusive."

Do you wanna try the Lidl one again?

-Mm, yeah.
-Mm.

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Ghana Ghana, feel the beats ♪

♪ Move your body in the streets ♪

♪ Kwasi Modo bringing the heat ♪

♪ The Ghanaian with the magic feet ♪

♪ Holler holler, jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Make some big noise
For the black stars ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana, yeah ♪