All language subtitles for Hapless.S01E01.REPACK.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Copy, copy. Roger that.
Don't you worry.

We'll put that fire out
quicker than you can say,

gas explosion kills
family of six in Stevenage.

[siren ringing]

Oh shit!

Oh shit!

Ah, ah!

-[siren turning off]
-Oh!

[knocking]

-Sorry about that.
-Hey, no trouble.

It's Paul, isn't it?

Welcome, welcome.

Oh, that is good coffee.

Well, I am a dab hand
with a frothing machine.

Hmm.

So, what's the scoop?

Er, well, what with your new appointment
as station manager

we thought it was a good opportunity

for us at The Jewish Enquirer,
you know, to talk about

the essential work of the fire services.

Story about little old me, eh?

Yeah, well, it's either that
or a coffee morning

for traumatised Israeli
and Palestinian mothers,

and there's been four of those

in the last two months, so here I am.

Well, if you insist.

Oh, I've got my camera.

Oh, wow.

It's a gorgeous piece of kit.

So cute and tiny. [chuckles]

[phone ringing]

Oh, sorry, sorry.

I need help.

Is this urgent?

Yes it's urgent.

Joshie's birthday magician
has fallen through.

I need to entertain a fuck ton
of six year olds for two hours.

Your magician's disappeared? [scoffs]

Have you looked in the
other side of the box?

The bastard double booked
me for a Hindi wedding!

I don't know,
why don't you try card games?

[Naomi] There's tons of them!

Pin the tail on the donkey?

It's not bloody Burnley
in the 18th century.

Ra-a-ah... I'll think about it.

Ugh!

Fuck!

Sister, she's nuts.

We should get a move on.

I have to be done by 11.

Got a test run.

-What, on the engine?
-Yup.

Taking her out for a little spinette.

Making sure everything's in working order.

May I?

Go on then.

[upbeat country banjo music]

This is amazing.

You want me to put the siren on?

Yes, yes, I do, yes.

Go on, Ross.
Put the 2 tone on, mate.

[siren ringing]

[laughing]

Can we run a red light?

We shouldn't unless it's an emergency.

Please, please, please, please?

Just a little red light.

Go on then, Ross.

Oh!

[laughing]

I'm a fireman!

A fireman!

[laughing]

That was unbelievable.

Really heroic, thank you.

-Glad to be of service.
-I'm gonna write a really great piece.

Do you mind if I get a photo?

Is that for the paper
or for your bedroom wall?

Well, it...

It's a joke.

Oh, right.

Don't mention the red light, though.

What red light? Yeah?

-[Paul chuckling]
-Okay.

-Go on then.
-[Paul] Okay.

-Lovely. Yeah.
-Any good?

-Nice.
-[chuckling]

I'll do another one.

Too much?

Never too much.

Got the fire story.

[Editor] Get yourself
down to East Finchley Tube Station now.

Someone's painted Nazi graffiti on a wall.

Can't it wait 'til tomorrow?
I gotta write this thing up.

[Editor] It'll be gone by tomorrow!

Well, someone would have
cleaned it up, yeah?

And surely that's a good thing.

[Editor] It's not great if I have to print
a picture of a wall with nothing on it.

"Vandalised Wall Cleaned By Do-gooders,"
you know?

Positive headline.

[Editor] What's a positive headline?

All right, well, I'll do it
if I can use the word daubed.

-[Editor] Daubed?
-You know, daubed.

[Editor] Fine, use the word daubed.

I don't care, I'll put it
in the fucking headline.

-Just get down there and get me a picture.
-I'm going.

All right, I need the crisps section
and the jelly section.

Aisles five and eight.

How on earth do you know that?

I know this place like
the back of my hand.

I've started coming here most nights.
About 7 p.m.

Single Heaven.

Excuse me.

Hiya, I hope this isn't offensive,

but which kind of lime pickle
do you prefer?

Pataks or Sharwood's?

I wouldn't know, sorry.

I make my own.

-Wow, you make your own lime pickle?
-Yes.

What's the recipe?

It's easy, lime, salt, chili, oil.

That's it.

You know, since we're getting on so well,

Would you like to have dinner?

Let's hit the kosher section.

I heard Martin Ross met his wife there.

Supposedly they chose the round latkes

as opposed to the triangular ones.

Love at first latke.

Hey, have you ever heard of a gay fireman?

In The Village People?

Well, nothing that says you
can't be gay and brave.

On the contrary,
I think you gotta be very brave.

Lot of gay soldiers

We are Sparta.

All right, so here's one.

You're in a motorway pileup.

Who would you most want coming

towards you with the jaws of life?

Bruce Willis or Graham Norton?

[scoffs] Well, er...

Okay, well, first of all are we talking

Die Hard Willis
or are we talking Sixth Sense Willis

'cause that guy would be taking
notes the whole time.

Yeah, yeah, would be whispering,

You'd be screaming and bleeding
and he'd just be whispering.

Norton would just be too funny.

All right, how about
Willis or, Spacey. Maybe not Spacey.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, how about Willis or
Gareth Thomas, rugby captain?

Yeah, Gareth Thomas.

God, I'd love to be held in his arms.

Every time.

Quick, pass me two type of hummus.

What two?

Whoa, I know her.
What, what was her name?

-It's Ruth something.
-Harris.

She's a friend of Naomi's.
She's a relationship counsellor.

Just got the Decree Nisi
on her third divorce.

Yeah. She's, she's cute.

You can't talk to her,
Naomi will kill you.

If your sister wanted me dead,
I'd be dead.

Don't be so sure,
she likes to keep them alive.

-I saw her first.
-Oh, diddums.

-Finder's keepers.
-She's a human being.

What kind of therapist
treats women like objects?

-I saw her first.
-Tough.

Hi, Hi. Ruth.

Oh, hi.

Er... Paul.

Paul, yeah.

You look great, by the way.

Thanks.

All things considered.

Yes. Well, thanks.

[stammers] Your basket looks heavy.

Oh, yeah, it's--

I didn't have enough change
for the stupid trolley.

Oh god, how annoying.

I'll manage.

Oh, look at that, there you go.

You're in luck.

-You sure?
-Yeah, sure, sure.

How much did you have, out of interest.

Er... 75 p.

No. No, no, it's fine, it's fine.

-No, really, I insist--
-Honestly, my treat.

My treat.

Excuse me, which of these
hummuses is the best?

Sorry, Ruth isn't it?

-You're Naomi's boyfriend.
-Ex.

Yeah. Oh, well, I can't stand hummus.

Really? You don't like the kind of person
who doesn't like hummus.

What kind of food
do I look like I'd like then?

Er, aside from hummus.

Er... Falafel.

You got a falafel face.

-Thanks, Paul.
-Hmm, yeah.

She's a bit sensitive.

You've called a woman,

falafel face before
and got a good reaction?

Er, look, I'll see you at
the checkout, all right?

Where you going?

I gotta get toilet paper.

So?

So I get the ones with
the two extra free rolls

and Naomi thinks it makes it
look like I got a problem.

But I'm not Naomi.

Yeah, well, it's become a thing.

Come and buy toilet paper with me?

Simon, come on, it's good for you, Simon!

Could you shush?

-Could you shush?
-Simon, come and buy toilet roll with me!

-Could you shush?
-Buy toilet roll with me,

we'll get the super absorbent,
you like the super absorbent!

-Okay, so was that 07...
-07974.

-Yeah.
-961-555.

-Hey. Hi.
-So just miss call me.

-Hi again.
-Hi.

Um, she doesn't buy tampons
if there's a man at the checkout.

[laughing]

If it's a man over 65 or so, it's fine.

Just no one my age.

Crazy, crazy.

You know what, we should go out sometime.

Maybe we can talk about our
neurotic supermarket phobias.

Who's neurotic?

[Paul chuckles]

Oh, maybe I could... treat you
to another trolley maybe?

It was a one off.

I've known you for years
through your sister.

Suddenly you're asking me out.

Gave Simon your number.

-He made me laugh.
-Called you falafel face.

Did lend you a quid.

Tell you what.

I'm bringing my little boy
to Joshie's party on Sunday.

I'll bring it with.

[laughs]

[playful atmosphere music]

[doorbell ringing]

-Ready to go?
-Not yet. Come in.

Upstairs.

How's your week been?

Writing about the new fire chief.

-For?
-You know who for.

-Jewish Inspector?
-Enquirer.

Jesus.

-What?
-It's time.

Oh, come on, you're joking.

Thought I'd give it to Joshie.

You're gonna give my Scalextric
to Joshie from you?

-Well, I haven't got him anything.
-Well, give him money.

Money implies no thought has gone into it.

No thought has gone into it.

What's in the box?

Oh, it's a helium balloon
with Joshie's face on it.

Oh, a helium balloon.

She'll be ever so impressed.

And... I've organised
a little treat for the party.

-Suck up.
-Hmm.

Come on. You can say it's from both of us.

All right, one last go, old times' sake.

-Bags on the blue car!
-Bags on the blue car!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

-What?
-Trying to chat up Ruth?

Oh, she's crazy.
You know she won't buy tampons

unless there's a guy over 65
at the checkout.

Well, then why did you ask her out?

Then she asked for money for a trolley.

It's flirty.

Borrowing a pound is flirty?

If you had lent her a tenner,
what would you have wanted?

A finger up the arse?

Well, I would have said no.

-She's here by the way.
-She what...

What's in the bags?

Oh, it's my old Scalextric.

I thought Joshie might like it.

Sorry, that's your birthday present?

What, it's over 300 quid.

New.

It's actually from me and Dad, yeah?

Both still play, so we're giving up

a little part of our lives for Joshie.

So, the least you can be
is a little bit fucking gracious.

All right, okay, fair enough.

But not that, that's just me, just me.

Oh, her son's outside, yeah?

You can't miss him,
he's the nightmare child from Hell.

Go and play with him.

The way to a woman's heart
is through her kid.

[kids playing cheerfully]

Joshie!

-I'm in here.
-Happy birthday.

Joshie, Joshie, happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

I got a big surprise for you later,

-but I can't tell you what it is.
-Okay.

-You're Ruth's son yeah?
-Yeah.

-Hey, you enjoying the party?
-Yeah...

Good.

Hey, shall I let you into a little secret?

-Let you into a little secret?
-Yeah.

All right, you can't tell anyone.

You're not gonna tell anyone?

Okay.

There's a fire engine
coming to the party today.

[Kid] Fire engine!

-Where's your mum, there.
-Surprise.

Mum!

There's a fire engine coming!

-Oooo!
-Fire engine, fire engine!

Go, go and play football.
Go, go, go.

Cute kid, cute kid.

You idiot!

How did you know he was mine?

-Looks just like you.
-He looks nothing like me.

Well, maybe Naomi gave me a few pointers

as to his personality.

Such as?

Said he was exuberant.

No one uses the word exuberant.

All right. She may--
She may have very jokingly said

that he's the nightmare child from Hell.

[chuckling]

[siren ringing]

[Operator] Emergency services.
Fire, police, or ambulance?

Hello? Yeah, hi, I'm trying to get through
to Gordon at Finchley Fire Station.

It's Paul Green from The Jewish Enquirer.

[Operator] Is this urgent, sir?

Yeah. It is quite urgent.

[Fireman Operator] Hello, fire services.
What's your location?

Hi. Yes, hi.

I just wanna know roughly how long
it takes you to put out a fire?

-You know, just a ballpark.
-Give me the phone.

[Fire Operator] I can't say
how long it's gonna take, sir.

Sir, can you see a fire?

I can see smoke, yeah, there's...

-Where are you?
-What is it, a whiff?

Like a puff,
like a barbecue's out of control.

Sir, if you stay on the line
you're taking up valuable time.

What are we thinking? 30 minutes?
It must be 30.

-Oi!
-[Naomi] Are you insane?

They have a job to do saving lives.

We don't know how long that'll take.
It could be a matter of minutes.

Few buckets, splishy splash, all done.

Oh, are you leaving?

-Mikey’s got a virgin sacrifice at 4.
-What?

-And I got a date with Simon.
-Oh, good luck with that.

Really?

Scalextric!

Yeah, that's Joshie's birthday present.

I want it!

No, no, it's not for you, not for you.

But if your mummy saves up enough 25ps
in about 60 years you can get your own.

Get behind me, Satan.

[Naomi] What did you say?

Why has she left?

So, who's got the biggest piece?

No, no!

No!

[upbeat rock music]

[playful cheering]

No. Not double cake!

[laughing]

No!

All right... Oof!

Okay, oh, oof.

Paul!

In here, please.

[laughing]

-What the fuck is this?
-What the fuck is that?

-What the fuck is this?
-What the fuck is that?

That's the daubed wall.
Th-- The daubed wall.

The daubed wall?

Daubed wall in East Finchley.

Oh, well it's lovely, really it is.

Maybe I should just call Joshie in now?

It was obviously supposed
to be a picture of him.

Okay.

I mean, I think we can all agree
it doesn't really look like him.

Maybe if you squint,
"Jews" could be his eyes,

"Go" could be his nose,
"Home" could be his cute smile.

Dammit. It's obviously a mistake.

I got it online, someone
should have picked up on it.

That's a borderline hate crime!

You uploaded it.

If I had uploaded a picture saying

the Welsh are twats,
nobody would have printed it.

Apologise!

Fine, all right.

My mistake, my bad.

It's a helium balloon with fascist
graffiti on it for a sixth birthday.

I don't really think "my bad" covers it.

It's a good way to wind
the party up, ain't it?

Jews, go home!

Go home!

Go home!

I'll get him another one.

Maybe you'd better go, Paul.

Fine. If I'm going I'm taking
my Scalextric with me.

Yeah, your half.

-All of it.
-[Naomi] Oh, like I give a toss.

I'll give him some money.

Better late than never.

That's an interesting balloon.

Guess you had a fire to put out then.

Well, we're here now.

Yeah, really big dangerous
conflagration, I guess.

Could've been I suppose,

but lucky we got there pretty quickly.

Little more than a campfire.

A campfire? No, it was a proper...

Oh, right.

"Campfire".

-Put it out with abandon then?
-What, gay abandon?

I didn't say that.

So I'm an hour late
doing you a favour for your kid's party

and you're having a go at my sexuality?

I had to stand in and be hit with cake.

We were putting out an actual fire.

Who's a lucky boy?

Going on an actual fire engine
all by himself.

Nope, sorry, that's now off limits.

Say what? What happened?

Ask your husband.

-[chuckles]
-My, my husband?

Oh, no, this is my asshole brother,

so fuck you, and you're going on

that fire engine right now,
aren't you, Joshie? Come on.

Come on, Joshie.

That's it, let's get you up there.
There we go.

♪ He's a jolly good fellow ♪

Don't be an idiot. Out of the way.

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Really.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Get out of the way.

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Stop it now, move.

♪ So say all of us ♪

♪ So say all of us ♪

[impish atmosphere melody]

Come on.

Let's go back,
let's do Jack, let's do Jack.

That's Wolverine, that's Wolverine.

Okay, all right, erm...

There's nothing I can do with this thing.

[doorbell ringing]

Hey.

Here you go.

You're giving me your beloved Scalextric?

My little gift to you.

Ruth's kid loves Scalextrics.

Aw, thanks, mate.

Hey, what do you think of the hair style?

What, that's a style?

So, where are you taking her?

[Simon] Fish and chips.

[Paul] On a first date? That's bold.

It's her choice, she's low maintenance.

-Can I ask you a question?
-Yeah.

Remember that girl Judith
who broke up with you

because you wouldn't grow
a moustache in Movember?

Yeah?

What was the sex like?

What?

Well, she had a baby, didn't she?

Yeah, yeah, she had an
eight year old daughter.

-Okay, so she's had a baby, her own?
-[Paul] Yes.

And it was a normal delivery?

-Normal?
-You know, vaginal.

I think you'll find it's
pronounce vag-eye-nal.

Okay, vag-eye-nal.

It's just if you have a cesarean

then everything stays the same, but...

with Ruth this would be my first, erm...

Ah. Ah yes, you are
a vag-eye-nal birth virgin.

-What's it like?
-It's different.

-Really?
-Oh god, yes.

It's very different.

How?

If I were you, I wouldn't go out with her.
I wouldn't risk it.

What if Ruth had a cesarean?

You know what, I'd open with that.

I’d go in, give her the Scalextric,

and then ask about
the state of her vagina.

I think you'd get away with that.

[doorbell ringing]

[chuckles] How much you get stung for?

100 quid for every year, 600.

Oof, well, I shall very much look forward
to my 3,900 come next birthday.

Very nice.

Ha.

Right.

I need to take my mind off it
by beating the crap out of you.

Let's set it up.

-Set what up?
-The Scalextric.

Gave it to Simon.

What?

Wasn't yours to give.
We had joint ownership.

Oh, no, no, no. I let you in
on the gift as a favour.

Call him and ask for it back.

They're at a fish and chip restaurant.

-They?
-Yeah, he's on a date with Ruth.

I said he could give it to her kid.

Why?

-Can't tell you why.
-Ugh.

What were you thinking, you moron?

Get it back.

He's not answering.
He never answers if it's going well.

I mean, how many fish and chip
restaurants are there in the area?

-Well, there's The Two Brothers.
-Olympus.

Er, Nautilus in West Hampstead.

Toff's, Muswell Hill.

All over the bloody place.

Well, you go and I'll tick 'em off online.

Go.

If I bought the kid a toy

I could have saved myself 500 quid.

Just let me through, just let me through.

Just let me through, just let me through.
Just let me through.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on!

[playful orchestra music]

Bloody West Hampstead.

Why don't you live somewhere
you can actually park?

Yeah. They are sweet.

Hi, how are you?

-Hey.
-What are you doing here?

Yeah, sorry, can I have a quick word?

Erm, okay.

It was a cesarean.
I asked the kid.

Very happy for you.
But look, the Scalextric, I need it back.

I can't, I've already given it to him.

-When?
-When I picked her up.

It was genius move, man.

Look, we assembled it together,

I left him with the babysitter playing it.

And she didn't even order the starter.

[Paul] I need it back.

What, you need it back
or you want it back?

Now look, that-- that is mine.

That is my favourite toy.

And I'm not about to just give it away
so you can get a quick shag!

I'll be right there.

We have to leave.

-Now!
-Oh, okay.

You know what, can I just
have a couple minutes?

No, I need to go right now.

I-- I need the toilet.

Again?

-Go, quickly!
-Okay.

I don't think it's gonna
be as quick as last time.

Well, I can give you a lift.

Please, let's just go.

[playful atmosphere music]

He was in bed.

We were just talking and
the fire alarm went off.

Don't worry, it's fine. Come on.

So, what caused it?

Overheated transformer.

You should write a story
on toy fire hazards.

You're right.
I probably-- probably should.

Look, my boys do a great job.

And they respect me irrespective.

Yeah, you're right. I'm...

I'm sorry.

You're all right.

Is everyone okay?

[sighs] Fine.

-Thanks for the lift.
-It's nothing.

-Pay you for the petrol?
-Oh, don't be silly.

Friends?

-Friends. [chuckles]
-Yes.

I'm here!

I'm here, I'm here!

Is everything okay?

Paul got me here in record time.

Okay. Thank you Paul.

Paul, you can let go of her now.

Nothing wrong with a little friendly hug.

You do smell very nice.

Like burnt house?

Why did you need Simon so urgently?

Erm... Nothing.

He wanted his Scalextrics back.

Why would you say that?

[gasping] You're smoking.

That thing set fire to my house.

You still owe me for the trolley.

My house.

Yes, but you can claim on insurance.

I can't, I've had that thing for decades
and it never set fire to any--

Your hellspawn has obviously overused it.

Ruth, why don't I take you to a hotel?

Apparently my son was asking
the babysitter about "Caesar salads"

and whether I'd had one
on the day he was born.

Fuck you with your toilet craziness

and checking out the size of my vagina!

Both of you.

Get off my property.

Go on!

Go!

Now!

[impish atmosphere music]

Looking forward to the story. [chuckles]

[lackadaisical atmosphere music]

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Oh, fucking hell!

[screaming]

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Ghana Ghana, feel the beats ♪

♪ Move your body in the streets ♪

♪ Kwasi Modo bringing the heat ♪

♪ The Ghanaian with the magic feet ♪

♪ Holler holler, jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Make some big noise
For the black stars ♪

♪ Trama na-ma-ne ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana, yeah ♪