Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Come on, son.

Hey, show daddy how smart you are.

Okay, watch me.

Now you do it.

Come on, Andy. Where's the old confidence?

Hey, what's going on?

I think we have a major problem, Elyse.

Read this.

"Ring Toss. Hours of Fun."

Oh, no. What are we gonna do?

Keep reading.

"Hours of fun for ages 9 months and up."

So?

9 months.

And how old is Andy?

He's 11 months. What's your point, Steven?

He...

He doesn't know how to do this, Elyse.

S-something for a child much younger,

and he doesn't know how to use it.

See?

Well, it isn't that easy, Steven.

The boy on the box can do it!

I think he needs help, Elyse.

I want him to start preschool now.

Oh, he's too young now.

I want him to start preschool, Elyse.

I want him to learn how to use the Ring Toss

and to use computers.

Hey. Elyse: hey.

What's in the bag, Alex?

Ah, an amazing little item that's gonna finally

bring this family up-to-date and into the '80s.

You bought a calendar?

Even better.

Telephone answering machine.

Listen to this.

Alex: you have reached the home of Alex P. Keaton.

If you leave your name, number, and message,

the in-house staff will see to it

to Mr. Keaton...

Returns your call as soon as possible.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

You might have mentioned the rest of us by name, Alex.

Oh, I don't know, I like being referred to

as the in-house staff.

Tomorrow is my first day as a teaching assistant.

I want to sound important.

Probably gonna get a lot of calls from my students.

Still can't believe

they're letting you teach a course, Alex.

Come on, Jennifer, I told you, every year,

professor Spanos picks three of his top students

to teach the freshman economics course.

It's, uh, it's an honor.

And, uh, I'm even invited

to the faculty wine-and-cheese party,

although they've asked me to bring my own cheese.

You're teaching a class?

Alex, if I were going to Leland, I'd want my money back.

Mallory, if you were going to Leland,

everybody would want their money back.

Alex, would you keep an eye on dinner, honey?

Jen and I are gonna give Andy a bath.

Oh, let me, uh, let me come with you, Elyse.

I want to discuss this preschool thing with him.

Andy is not going to preschool.

Elyse, it's his life.

I got to hear this again.

You have reached the home of Alex P. Keaton.

Hi.

Hey, Ellen. Hi.

You want to see something funny?

What? What is it?

Take a look at this.

What's this?

It's my class schedule for next semester.

Economics 101, Section 2.

Ellen, that's the class I'm teaching.

I know. I signed up for the other class,

but I guess the registrar made a mistake.

I'm gonna transfer to the other section tomorrow.

Why?

Alex, you don't really think I could be in your class,

do you?

Ellen, why not?

Because you wouldn't be able

to treat me like all the other students.

You'd favor me.

Come on. That's not true.

All right, maybe if you answered a question correctly,

I'd give you a little kiss.

That's it.

Alex, that's very sweet of you,

but I don't think it's gonna be a good idea.

Ellen, come on. Look, we always say

we should support each other, right?

I mean, that's why I go to your poetry readings,

I go to dance recitals.

You don't think I like that stuff.

You said you did. I know.

Ellen, see, that's how we support each other.

We lie. Tsk.

Ellen, I want you to be a part of my world.

I-i want you to see me teach.

I want you to be proud of me.

I want you to call me Mr. Keaton.

Okay. I'm gonna give it a try.

Settle down. Settle down.

Welcome...

to economics 101.

My name is Mr. Keaton...

...or sir.

And I will be your teacher for the semester.

Uh, let's start with some basic theories in economics.

Uh, for example, inflation.

Does anyone know what causes inflation?

Anyone at all?

All right, uh, young lady in the second row,

wearing the glasses.

Well, I'm not sure, but I think that...

Uh, excuse me. Uh, your name, please?

Ellen.

Ellen Reed.

And how do you spell that?

R-e-e-d.

Okay, go ahead, miss Reed.

It is Reed, isn't it?

Yes.

And I'm assuming it's "miss."

It's not "Mrs." or "Ms."

"Miss" will be just fine.

Fine, go ahead, miss...

Reed.

Miss Reed.

I forgot the question.

The question was, what causes inflation?

High prices.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my.

No, high prices are the result,

not the cause of inflation, miss... What was it?

Reed. Reed. Reed. Reed.

Maybe you won't be so quick

to raise your hand next time.

Well, since there seems to be an abundance of ignorance

in this class, you're all dismissed,

so that you can get to work on your papers.

Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw.

That's right,

I want a 5-page essay from each of you,

analyzing the first chapter of your textbook,

"Money: Keep It Coming."

That's all.

Well, how'd I do?

Fine.

Maybe a little rough on me, but fine otherwise.

I wasn't rough on you.

I just... I just want to prove to myself

that I can do this without favoring you.

Tsk. Well, you certainly proved that to me.

Yeah, uh, don't worry about it.

Everything is gonna be fine, Ellen.

In a little while,

you're gonna get used to being totally subservient to me.

Hey, any calls for me?

I don't know. We just got in ourselves,

but Sherry has called Mallory 27 times.

Sherry: Mallory, this is Sherry again.

We'll just skip over that.

Alex, what if it's important?

Come on, Mal.

I mean, the only thing that could be

less important than a message from one of your friends

is a live conversation with one of your friends.

Ellen, can you stay for dinner?

Oh, I can't.

I've got too much economics homework.

Skip it.

I would but my teacher's a little crazed.

Tell me about it.

Mr. Herman: Uh, this is Mr. Herman

from the Harper Preschool, returning Mr. Keaton's call.

I'm responding to your request for information on our program

toddlers...

Wrong number.

Harper Preschool early-admission plans?

Steven, what is all this?

I thought we decided against preschool.

We did.

I can't help it if Andy sent for these brochures.

Well...

I'm gonna run.

I can meet you later if you want to get a cup of coffee.

Uh, I'd love to.

I got to go over these papers.

I'll call you.

Okay. Talk to you later.

Oh, you got to look at this.

Rich Albert copied his entire paper

from the latest issue of High Finance Magazine.

How can you tell?

It's just little things

only an experienced teacher would pick up on.

The figures he quotes,

writing style,

subscription offer at the end of the paper.

Guess that's where he slipped up.

I don't know. It's a shame, Ellen.

You try to get through to these kids.

What happens?

So, did you mark mine yet?

Uh, yours. Uh, I don't know.

Uh, let me think.

I might have, could have possibly gotten to yours...

Or not.

Let's get that coffee, huh?

What did I get? Aw, come on, Ellen.

You got to wait till tomorrow like the rest of the class.

Come on, Alex. What did I get?

All right, all right, okay. Let me see.

Reed, Reed, Reed.

Ah, here it is.

You got a C-minus.

A "C."

Minus.

Oh, come on, Ellen. It's the first paper.

I understand that.

I mean, a lot of people did not do well.

Of course.

Though, the average mark was a "C."

Ah, so I'm below average.

Come on, Ellen, let's get that coffee, okay?

My treat.

All right, Alex, you proved your point.

What point?

You want to show me how fair you can be

by deliberately giving me a lower grade than I deserve.

Ellen, are you accusing me of trying to show you

how fair I can be by deliberately giving you

a lower grade than you deserve?

Don't twist my words, Alex.

Ellen, you got what you deserve.

As a matter of fact,

I think it might have been a little generous.

This is a very superficial analysis.

I did not deserve a C-minus, and you know it.

I have never gotten anything less than a "B"

on any paper.

Maybe if you spent a little more time studying

and a little less time dancing,

you'd get a better grade.

I cannot believe I was worried

about you treating me like the other students.

You've had it in for me since the very beginning.

Come on. What are you talking about?

If I answer a question wrong, you really let me have it.

Well, why do you answer a question wrong?

If I'm a minute late to class, you yell at me.

Why are you late?

If I lag behind on a field trip to the bank,

you get angry at me.

Ellen, come on, let's face it.

You have been a problem since the first day of class.

Oh, yeah?

You want to see a problem?

I'll show you a problem.

Oh, what's that, a threat?

Well, you'll just have to wait till class tomorrow,

Mr. Keaton.

Excellent analysis, Beck.

Albert.

Mr. Keaton.

Yes, Albert? What is it?

I can't make out your comments. What does this say?

"Plagiarism is illegal."

Thanks.

Sometimes it's hard to read your handwriting.

Hello, miss Reed.

Hey, teach. How you doing?

Fine.

I handed out the papers.

Here's yours.

Hey, what do you know?

I got a C-minus.

I'm even dumber than I thought.

Today we will begin a discussion

on the formation of the modern banking system,

with an emphasis...

On the relationship

between savings and commercial institutions,

the formation of a national bank...

Miss Reed...

Are you chewing gum?

No.

Not at all.

These bubbles just form naturally on my lips,

and I can't figure it out.

All right, that's it.

Get rid of it. Come on.

Excuse me?

You heard me. Get rid of it now.

Okay.

Oops.

I'm sorry.

It's on your shoe.

Uh, hold on, Mr. Keaton, while you're here,

I got some junk to get rid of.

Albert. Albert.

That's enough, Albert.

Now, as I was saying,

New capital was required to finance...

...the purchase of livestock...

...equipment...

Miss Reed, do you have something

you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

Why not?

A rabbi and a priest are in a rowboat.

The rabbi is rowing,

the priest is bailing the water.

Can, I, uh, can I talk to you privately, please?

Look, Ellen,

I know you're upset about your grade,

but this is not the best way to express it.

Why don't you just graciously accept the fact

that you wrote a lousy paper?

I did not write a lousy paper.

Yeah, I know what you're trying to do,

and I cannot be intimidated.

Now, take your seat.

Now, many of you will remember

that speculation caused the panic of 1837.

This was the first in a long line of panics,

followed by the panic of 1845, the panic of 1853,

and the general nervous tension of 1877.

Each of these incidents

confirmed the growing need for...

Ellen: Sorry.

All right, that ought to do it.

Play it back.

Mallory: Hi, I'm Mallory...

Jennifer: And I'm Jennifer.

If you're calling

for either one of us or our parents,

please leave a message after the beep.

Mallory: If you're calling for Alex,

he doesn't live here anymore,

and we don't know where he lives.

Thank you.

Well, what do you think?

Well, it's a step in the right direction.

Hey, dinner's almost ready, Alex.

Oh, great. Any calls for me?

No, just the usual death threats from your students.

That's it, though, huh?

Ellen didn't call?

Oh, sorry.

Darn. I was kind of hoping she'd call.

Something the matter between you and Ellen?

Uh, yeah.

Listen, Mal, uh, do you mind

if I have a private conversation with mom and dad?

Come on, Alex. I know what's going on here.

You and Ellen are fighting 'cause she's in your class.

Ellen probably feels you expect her

to do twice as well as everyone else,

and, uh, you probably feel

she's not working hard enough

'cause she's your girlfriend.

Nice try, Mal.

How did you know?

I just had to substitute

you and Ellen for nick and me

and imagine what it would be like

if I was taking a class and nick was teaching.

Uh, w-where would that class be given, Mal?

College on the moon?

Alex, is what Mallory said true?

Aw, mom, I don't know.

Everything was fine at first,

and then Ellen got upset

when I gave her a C-minus on her paper.

And now we hardly talk outside of class,

and inside class, she is an academic menace.

Well, you two have a problem here, you know,

'cause you and Ellen have a relationship

that's based on trust and love,

and now you're in a position of absolute authority over her.

So, what's the problem?

The problem is, these arguments can grow

into big fights very quickly.

Well, it's like this preschool issue.

Your dad wants Andy to go to preschool,

and I don't.

And this could have turned into a great big fight.

Instead, we sat down and we talked about it

and we compromised,

and Andy is not going to preschool.

So, what's the compromise?

I get to keep my preschool brochures.

You know, actually, there is a solution to this.

Ellen and I could take her paper to professor Spanos,

let him read it, and give his evaluation.

That sounds reasonable.

Of course, when he finds out I'm going out with Ellen,

he's gonna be furious.

Teaching assistants are not supposed to be

romantically involved with the students.

It's only for full-time professors.

Oh, and, uh, don't forget, tomorrow we're gonna discuss

what to do when the automatic teller machines

run out of money.

Professor Spanos should be here any minute.

He's read your paper.

I'm sure he'll decide this fairly

and in my favor.

Mister Keaton?

Class is over. You don't have to raise your hand.

We can be informal here...

Miss Reed.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry

for the way I behaved in class the other day.

I was completely out of line.

It was just an immature response

to your insane, lunatic, tyrannical behavior.

I accept your apology.

I have another question, Mr. Keaton.

Go ahead, miss Reed.

I just want to know how you're doing.

Excuse me?

Well, I mean,

it's just that we haven't spoken to each other in a while,

and I was just wondering how you were doing.

Oh. I see.

Well, I'm doing nicely, thank you.

Yourself?

Fine. Thanks.

Uh, miss Reed?

Yes, Mr. Keaton?

I miss you.

You do?

I want things to be the way they were between us.

Mr. Keaton, I have a confession to make.

I reread my paper the other day

and I realized it wasn't all that good.

I didn't try as hard as I could have.

Miss Reed, don't blame yourself.

I was too hard on you.

You know, I-I-I thought I could handle

having you as one of my students.

I thought I'd treat you like the rest of the class.

I couldn't. I mean, I just... I went crazy.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Keaton.

Oh, miss Reed.

Worked it out yourselves, did you?

Uh, professor Spanos.

Uh, welcome.

I was just explaining the, uh, concept of, uh...

Deficit spending. ...deficit spending

To, uh, miss Reed here.

Oh, I see.

Do you understand it now, miss Reed,

or do you need another hug?

Well, we seem to have a conflict of interest here,

Mr. Keaton.

You know, a significant part of teaching

is exercising good judgment,

and it doesn't appear as though you have been.

Professor Spanos, please don't hold this against Alex.

He's a wonderful teacher.

You know, before I took this class,

I thought economics was really boring.

All the statistics about inflation and interest rates

and the devaluation of the dollar

and trade imbalances.

You know, it really is boring.

Thanks for helping me out here, Ellen.

But Alex changed all that.

He makes economics interesting.

He's strict,

but everybody in this class has learned something.

Well...

You don't have any other students in the class

I should know about, do you, Mr. Keaton?

Cousins? Children? Army buddies?

No, sir.

Good.

Well, now, as to this paper,

I think you were a little harsh on miss Reed, Mr. Keaton.

I agree. I was much too harsh.

Although it was a very sloppy effort, miss Reed.

I agree.

He was much too harsh.

Well, um, good luck to both of you.

You know, I must admit,

this scene is somewhat familiar to me.

I met my wife when she took a microeconomics course

I was teaching at Yale.

I gave her an "A" on her final exam,

and she agreed to marry me.

That's sweet.

Yes.

Of course, if I knew then what I know now,

I would have flunked her.

I'm sorry about all this, Alex.

Me too.

I love you.

Tsk.

My paper wasn't really a C-minus, was it?

Well...

Considering everything that's been said and done here today,

everything we've been through,

I think I could bump it up to a "C."